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 Pollin Picks a Wife 
 
 
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 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
Pollin Picks a Wife 
 
 A Play in One Act 
 
 By 
 WARD MACAULEY 
 
 Author of ^^La-zy Boh Parkins^'' '-^Examination 
 Day at Wood Hill School^' ''Mr. Editor,'' etc. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 1915 
 

 COPYRIGKT I915 BY ThE PeNN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 Mlin Picks a Wife C C D I g 1 9 1 5 
 
 ©CID 3972'^ 
 
Pollin Picks a Wife 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mr. Pollin a scientific ^ejitleman 
 
 Arthur Swift a dashing youth 
 
 Julius Sha^rpe ivilling to take a ciiance 
 
 John Randall a proud father 
 
 Mr. JaMes a guest 
 
 Mary Randall a charming lady 
 
 Miss Simplin a hopeful maiden 
 
 Mrs. Randall a fond i7iamma 
 
 Mrs. Smith of voluminous voice 
 
 Other guests, as desired. 
 
 Time of Playing. — One hour. 
 
 STORY OF THE PLAY 
 
 Mr. Pollin is a scientific gentleman who feels that it is 
 time to marry. He lias made out a list of three hundred girls, 
 and cut out all but three. Out of those three he has finally 
 selected Mary Randall, whom he has been calling on now for 
 over a year. A careful study of her ancestors and tempera- 
 ment has at last brought him to the decision that Mary will 
 do. Hurried on a bit by his friend Sharpe and by a rival 
 who has appeared on the horizon, he finally comes to the 
 point — but he gets a surprise. 
 
COSTUMES, ETC. 
 
 POLLIN. Tliiity. Very dignified, in irreproachable at- 
 tire. 
 
 Arthur. Twenty-five. A handsome and enthusiastic 
 young man. 
 
 Sharpe. Thirty-five. Clever and sophisticated. 
 
 Randall. Fifty. A fat matter-of-fact gentleman. 
 
 James. Twenty-five. A lively youth. 
 
 Mary. Twenty-two. A pretty and attractive girl. 
 
 Mrs. Randall. Fifty. Handsomely dressed matronly 
 lady. 
 
 Mus. Smith. Thirty -five. Heavy, and of ponderous 
 voice. 
 
 Miss Simplin. Thirty. Plain but gushing. 
 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 Two newspapers, framed photograph on the table, some 
 heavy volumes in a bookcase and on the table. 
 
Pollin Picks a Wife 
 
 SCENE. — Library of the home ^ John Randall, evening. 
 Entrances c. and l. The library is well furnished a?id 
 well filled with books. 
 
 {^Curtain discovers Mr. aiid Mrs. Randall, seated at the 
 library table, reading newspaper. Their backs are 
 toward each other. ^ 
 
 Mrs. R. {explosively'). Why, the idea ! 
 
 John Randall {chucklitig as he reads). Stole home 
 from seconci again. My, that boy's a wonder ! {Reads.) 
 
 Mrs. R. I don't believe it. 
 
 Randall {comino; out of his paper with evident regret). 
 Hey! What's that? 
 
 Mrs. R. This scientist says that in fifty years or less 
 people won't fall in love, and 
 
 Randall. All going to get sensible, hey? 
 
 Mrs. R. Sensible ! I don't call that sensible. How 
 would you ncien like to have your wives picked for you by a 
 government bureau ? 
 
 Randall. Well, some of us might get good ones. 
 
 M!<s. R. {severely'^). John ! What do you mean by that 
 remark ? 
 
 Randall {^oing back to paper). Oh, nothing — nothing 
 at all. 
 
 Mrs. R. The article says a government bureau will ex- 
 periiiient to find what kinds of temperaments will be. con- 
 genial, and will match people whether they like it or not. 
 
 Randai,!,. Then, if they fiird a lady with the right dis- 
 posiiion for me, I'd have to marry her, even if she had a 
 face that would curdle cream ? 
 
 Mrs. R. That's the idea. 
 
 Randall. Does that apply to second wives, too ? 
 
 Mrs. R. John 1 What do you mean? 
 
 5 
 
6 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 Randall. Oh, nothing — nothing at all. Say, you'd 
 better show that to young Poliin. 
 
 Mrs. R. {shocked). To whom ? 
 
 Randall. Young Poliin— Mary's friend. He's a great 
 chap for those newfangled scientific things. 
 
 Mrs. R. I shall do nothing of the kind, but {jieter- 
 miuedly) I am going to have a talk with Mary about Mr. 
 Poliin. He has been coming here pretty regularly for a 
 year and a half. 
 
 Randall. You'll have to talk soon if you want to say 
 anything before the guests get here. And take her some- 
 where else, won't you? 1 want to read the score. You 
 made me quit with the bases full and two out. 
 
 {^Enter Mary Randall, c.) 
 
 Mrs. R. Mary, your father and I have been speaking 
 about you. (Randall afuioyed.) 
 
 Mary. Don't you often speak of me, mother? 
 
 Mrs. R. Yes, but this was exceptional. It was about 
 you and Mr. Poliin. 
 
 (Mary appears annoyed!) 
 
 Randall {irritably). I'm going some place where I 
 can read in peace. {He slants out, c.) 
 
 Mrs. R. All right, if your score is more important tlian 
 your daughter. Mary, I want to talk to you about Mr. 
 Poliin. 
 
 Mary. Now, mother, don't you think that we have 
 talked about Mr. Poliin enough ? 
 
 Mrs. R. No. Pm going to keep right on talking until 
 I get my answer. Does he mean business? That's what 1 
 want to know. 
 
 Mary. Business? Mother, how you talk. Can't a girl 
 have a friendly interest in a man without everybody's want- 
 ing to know if they are going to be married ? 
 
 Mrs. R. Friendly interest? Hear the girl ! Why, yes, 
 all the friendly interest you want, but let's know it is friendly 
 interest, and nothing more. Now, see here, Mary, would 
 you marry Mr. Poliin if he asked you ? 
 
 Mary. Well, Mr. Poliin is certainly a fine man. There 
 are lots of things to like about him ; but, mother 
 
 Mrs. R. Well ! 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 7 
 
 Mary. He's so peculiar. He has so many theories. 
 Sometimes he seems perfectly splendid, and then again 
 
 Mrs. R. {disgustedly^. Girls nowadays never do know 
 their own minds. Now, when I was a girl, I knew your 
 father was the one, and when he asked me, I didn't make 
 any fuss about its being so sudden, either. 
 
 Mary. I guess times have changed, mother. Don't 
 worry. I will attend to Mr. Pollin. 
 
 Mks. R. Well, 1 hope so. He makes me nervous. I 
 think I hear him at the door now. I will send him to you 
 while 1 look after the other guests. 
 
 {Exit, c.) 
 
 (Mary takes a seat near the table and fijigers a book ivhile 
 waiting. After a mome?it Mr. Pollin enters, c.) 
 
 Pollin. Ah, here you are, Mary. Your mother kindly 
 suggested I look for you in the library. 
 
 Mary. Won't you sit down ? I was looking at some 
 new books father has bought. 
 
 Pollin. I'd like to see them. Hello ! What is this ? 
 Ah, a set of Hornung's Scientific Encyclopedia. I didn't 
 know your father pursued science. 
 
 Mary. Oh, no, he doesn't, but the agent told him that 
 they ought to be in every library, and they are so nicely 
 bound and so well illustrated. They are too deep for me, 
 though. 
 
 Pollin. Not at all — not at all. You could find nothing 
 more delightful than the study of — {taking book from shelf) 
 anthropology, for example. The proper study of mankind 
 is man, you know. I often think, my dear Mary, how 
 edifying it would be for us to pursue the paths of scientific 
 research together. Surely pleasant companionship would 
 add to the delights of knowledge. 
 
 Mary. I am afraid I shouldn't be an appreciative com- 
 panion. 
 
 Pollin. Oh, yes, under my tutelage you would. 
 
 Mary. Every one does not know so much as you do, 
 Mr. Pollin. 
 
 PoLi,iN. True, true. Still, any one may learn. It would 
 be a great pleasure to instruct you, Mary. Just last week 
 I was inveigled into attending a theatrical performance. I 
 cannot tell you how bored I was when I might have been 
 
8 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 home reading what Ferraro says about marriage in Rome 
 under the Csesars. 
 
 Mary. There,- some more of the guests are coming. 
 Don't you hear Mrs. Smith's voice? She is to sing, you 
 know. 
 
 PoLLiN. I think I shall remain here. By the way, 
 Mary, perhaps you will remember mentioning that your 
 great-grandfather died of heart failure. Did any others in 
 your family suffer from the same complaint ? 
 
 Mary. Goodness me, 1 don't know. I must be going. 
 
 (PoLLiN offers to shake hands and gives Mary's a little 
 touch of affection before relinquishing it. Mary exits y c. 
 PoLLiN is alone for a minute, during ivhich he exa?fiines 
 severed of the volumes attentively, at one time ejaculating 
 ^'Rubbish f before replacing the vohnne.) 
 
 {Enter Randall.) 
 
 Randall. Ah, here you are, Pollin. We have been 
 looking for you. The folks are arriving. 
 
 Pollin. A very interestmg set of books you have here. 
 
 {Indicates the Scientific Encyclopedia.') 
 
 Randall. I guess so. -Looks good on the slielf, any- 
 way. The book agent told me Jenkins bought a set, and I 
 can't let him get ahead of me. By the way, Mr. Pollin, 
 I am glad I found you alone. There is a little matter I 
 have intended to speak about. 
 
 Poi.LiN. Yes? 
 
 Randall. I'm blunt and to the point, no beating around 
 the bush with me. You've been a pretty frequent caller 
 here for the past two years. 
 
 Pollin. A year and a half, I think. 
 
 Randall. A year and a half, then. 
 
 Pollin. I admit it. I hope \ have been welcome. 
 
 Randall I guess you haven't been in my way particu- 
 larly, but this is the point: your being around has kept 
 other young fellows away more or less, you know. 
 
 Porj.iN. I cannot conceive of any particular reason 
 
 Randall. We face a condition, not a theory. The 
 point is, are your inclinations toward Mary, or do you call 
 merely as a friend of the ftmiily ? 
 
 Pollin. Why, neither, exactly, and yet both. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 9 
 
 Randall. Neither ? Both ? 
 PoLLiN. Let me narrate tlie history of the case. 
 Randall. Go ahead, but remember the folks out tliere, 
 {Points.) 
 
 Pollin. Some two years ago I suddenly confronted the 
 conviction that it was my duty to marry. The question 
 arose, to whom? 1 carefully considered the list of my ac- 
 quaintances, discarding those that were entirely undesirable 
 or obviously unattainable. My original list consisted of some 
 three hundred names. 
 
 Randall. Three hundred names ? Say — that's going 
 some. 
 
 Pollin. Yes, I put on that list practically every young 
 woman I knew, and some that I did not, but whose ac- 
 quaintance I felt would not be attended by particular dif- 
 ficulty. I then used a number of tests in a process of elimi- 
 nation until the list was brought down to a dozen names. 
 
 Randall. My boy, you have a great head. Then 
 what ? 
 
 Pollin. I cultivated these ladies in a social way. 
 Shortly the list diminished to four. Among these, a choice 
 was difficult. Finally, I learned that one's grandfather had 
 died of asthma and the aunt of another had been notable for 
 an irritable disposition. That brought the list to two, one 
 of whom, I must confess, was eliminated by personal prefer- 
 ence. It was a weakness, of course. Then I faced the 
 question — " Shall it be Mary Randall ? " That is the prob- 
 lem I am wrestling with, and I need all the light I can get. 
 
 Randall {blankly). Well, I'll be darned. Now, that's 
 all very well, but does my daughter understand that you are 
 maintaining an option on her? 
 
 Pollin. I do not look at the matter in that light. No 
 hasty steps would be advisable. 
 
 Randall. I see. Well, it's evident you won't be hasty. 
 We must be getting back. The guests are expecting us. 
 Besides, Mrs. Smith is to sing. 
 
 Pollin. I prefer looking over your books. 
 
 Randall. No, sir, we won't have people talk about your 
 sneaking away from company. 
 
 Po[j,iN. Where can I find such company as this? 
 
 {Moves hand toward the shelves. Pollin reluctantly al- 
 lows himself to be led aivay by Randall. Exeunt ^ c.) 
 
10 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 {Enter Julius Sharpe and Mr. James, l.) 
 
 Sharpe. Now, speak up. Money talks, my boy. You 
 said that you were willing to bet that PoUin won't be mar- 
 ried for five years. Now make good. 
 
 James. That was only idle conversation. 
 
 Sharpe. You can't make conversation with me, son. 
 I'll tell you what i'U do. I'll go you one better. I'll bet 
 you that Mr. PoUin is married within a year. 
 
 James. He's too slow for that. 
 
 Sharpe. Not when he's made up his mind, he isn't. Do 
 you take me up? 
 
 James. Sure, and your ten is as good as in my pocket- 
 book. 
 
 Sharpe. That's the third bet I've booked to-night. 
 Five even that Mrs. Smith sings at least six songs, five even 
 that it rains before morning. I'll tell you what I'll do. Pll 
 bet you one dollar against five that the first man that comes 
 into the ofiEice to-morrow is bald-headed. 
 
 James. You're the limit, Julius. 
 
 Sharpe (at the door). Is it a bet? 
 
 (Exeunt, c.) 
 
 (After a moment Pollin enters quietly y c. , and sits dow7i at 
 the table. He picks up a book and throws it aside con- 
 temptuously. Finally he discovers one that absorbs him 
 completely. He pauses momentarily and goes to the door. 
 Mrs. Smith's booming voice is heard. He closes the door 
 in sharp disgust and resumes his seat, becoming so inter- 
 ested that he fails to hear Mary when she enters, c.) 
 
 Mary. Oh, Mr. Pollin, you are deserting us. 
 
 Pollin (confused and surprised). Just for a moment, 
 just for a moment. A most interesting book — *' The Theory 
 of Marriage in the Evolution of the Human Race." How 
 did you come to have it? 
 
 Mary. Father got it and five others as a premium with 
 the '* Monthly Opinion " — you know, so much down and 
 two dollars a month. I hope Mrs. Smith didn't notice my 
 absence. She sings well, doesn't she? 
 
 Pollin. Voluminously, I should say. 
 
 Mary. Father is going to bring the people to see his 
 books. 
 
 Pollin. You are certainly a charming girl, Mary. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE II 
 
 Mary {coquettishly). Thank you so much, kind sir, and 
 now 1 ihink 1 had belter join the others. 
 
 PoLLiN. No, sit down, Mary. 1 have something to say 
 to you. 
 
 Mary. To me? What can the learned gentleman wish 
 to say to humble me ? 
 
 PoLLiN. It has often occurred to me that we are con- 
 genial in many ways. 
 
 Mary. 1 am very sure that we are, Mr. Pollin. 
 
 PoLLiN. There is something I have intended to say to 
 you for some time. 
 
 Mary. Yes? 
 
 Pollin. You have no doubt noted that I have called 
 more or less frequently during the last year and a half? 
 
 Mary. No more than you have been welcome, I am 
 sure. 
 
 Pollin. I feel free to confess that I have been consider- 
 ing whether we might not be suited to each other for a more 
 permanent relationship. 
 
 Mary [aside). Oh, dear, I believe he is going to pro- 
 pose. 
 
 Pollin. It is a question that requires a great deal of 
 thought. 
 
 Mary. Yes, indeed. 
 
 Pollin. You cannot blame me for going over the ground 
 thoroughly before taking a positive position. 
 
 Mary [puzzled^. Of course not. 
 
 Pollin. Marriage should not be lightly entered into. 
 For their own sakes, as well as for the sake of society at 
 large, people should be very sure that the union is entirely 
 suiL^ble. 
 
 Mary. They certainly should. 
 
 Pollin. I have had the matter on my mind for some 
 time, and I have done a little investigating. 
 
 Mary. Investigating ? Why, Mr. Pollin, you talk as 
 though love were a sort of detective bureau. 
 
 Pollin. Anyway, I have been investigating, to the de- 
 gree I believe necessary, f^imily history, all that sort of 
 thing. Besides, I have endeavored to learn from your friends 
 what are your predominating traits. I have analyzed my- 
 self with a view to ascertaining my own. 
 
 Mary. Predominating traits. Maybe I haven't any. 
 How can a person judge his own qualities ? 
 
12 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 POLLIN. He can if he proceeds without any bias in his 
 own favor. Anyway, as I said, .1 have tried to see whether 
 or not we properly supplement each other. Mere fascina- 
 tion must not take the place of these higher motives. 
 
 Mary {pi/zz/ed). Oh, certainly not. 
 
 PoLLiN. i'm glad we agree. I thought — indeed it has 
 been called to my attention — that possibly some explanation 
 might be expected. That is wliy I am speaking in this way. 
 My investigations are progressing nicely, and 1 can safely 
 say that everything points to a satisfactory conclusion. 
 Still, I must tell you that up to this minute 1 have not 
 reached a final decision. 
 
 Mary. Do you mean that you are studying me? 
 
 POLLIN. 1 do. 
 
 Mary. ** Obj. mat.," I suppose? (Smi/es.) 
 
 PoLLiN. I'm afraid I don't 
 
 Mary. Object matrimony, as they say in the advertise- 
 ments. 
 
 PoLLiN (^guardedly'). Perhaps. 
 
 Mary {laughing). Oh, Mr. Pollin, you are delicious. 
 But, really, you know, a girl doesn't like to be analyzed as 
 you would a flower or some new kind of beetle. She wants 
 love and chivalry, and 
 
 POLLIN. Now, let us not be silly, Mary. I think I do 
 love you, but I must, it is my highest duty to, keep control 
 of my emotions until my. reason gives consent. 
 
 Mary. Some time, Mr. Pollin, you will realize that love 
 is greater than reasoning or investigations or — or — anything 
 in the whole world. I'm not a learned professor or anything, 
 but I know that. Now 1 must be getting back, and you had 
 better come with me. 
 
 PoLLiN. In five minutes, my dear Mary, I promise you. 
 I am at a most vital point. 
 
 Mary. Well, five minutes, no more. 
 
 {Enter Arthur Swift, c. ) 
 
 Arthur. Ah, here you are. I've been looking every- 
 where for you. Hello, Pollin. My, you look soleip.n. 
 
 Mary. We've been having a most weighty conversation, 
 haven't we, Mr. Pollin? {Lat/ghs.) 
 
 Pollin (grave/y). We have. 
 
 Mary. All about science and predominating traits and — 
 things. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE I3 
 
 Arthur. Dear me. I'm afraid I have butted in. 
 
 Mary. Oh, not at all. We had quite finished for the 
 present. Mr. Pullin is going to make some further investi- 
 gations and let me know the result. (^Laughs.) Come on, 
 Mr. Swift. 
 
 {Exit Mary, c, latigJiing, followed by Arthur.) 
 
 PoLLiN. Dear me, is she angry ? Women are odd, 
 very odd. I must speak to her more in the terms of her 
 comprehension. {He reads.) 
 
 {Enter Sharpe, C.) 
 
 Sharpe. Ah, Pollin, old boy, I have caught you. What 
 are you hiding in here for ? Come on, Mrs. SmiUi is going 
 to sing again. 
 
 Pollin. I prefer to remain here. 
 
 Sharpe. Oh, tut ! We can't always do as we prefer, 
 my boy. We owe something to the conventions of society. 
 
 Pollin. A scientific man is above such things. 
 
 Sharpe. Is he? Well, maybe, but wait dll you are 
 married, then you'll get down to earth. That's what you 
 need. 
 
 Pollin. I don't understand you. 
 
 Sharpe. No, very few people do. But to get back to 
 my argument, you ouo;ht to get married. 
 
 Pollin. I agree with you, Sharpe. Marriage is a duty 
 a man owes to himself and to society. The family during 
 the ages has become the unit of civilization. 
 
 Sharpe. Gee, that's a hot one. Say it again and say it 
 slow. 
 
 Pollin. It is best that a man should live not alone, but 
 as a part of a social unit. 
 
 Sharpe. Now you're talking. Why not up and do it? 
 
 Pollin. In contemplating marriage, a man should give 
 due consideration to whether the alliance he is contemplat- 
 ing is an entirely proper one. 
 
 Sharpe. You couldn't do better, old man. Mary's a 
 peach. 
 
 Por.LiN. A peach ? 
 
 Sharpe. Yes, and you have been tagging after her for 
 nearly two years. 
 
 Pollin. A year and a half, Sharpe, if you please. 
 
H 
 
 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 Sharpe. Long enough, anyway. Why not up and ask 
 her? 
 
 PoLLiN. This matter should be given due thought. One 
 should not take a leap m the dark. 
 
 Sharpe. No danger, my boy, no danger. Compared 
 to you, a snail could be arrested for violating the speed 
 ordinances. 
 
 PoLLiN. I have looked into the family history with a 
 gicat deal of care, and 1 must say that the record is excellent. 
 
 Shakpe. You haven't any perpetual option on Mary, 
 you know. Yuu had better get busy or you will have to 
 continue your investigations on some other girl. 
 
 PuLLiN. i think that Mary understands the situation. 
 Right now, 1 admit 1 could love her if 1 let myself go, but 
 1 realize that my first duty is to keep myself from any 
 alliance that is not for the best good of society at large. 
 You will see, Sharpe, before many years, organized society 
 will not permit people to enter into hasty and unsuitable 
 marriages. Possibly even matrimonial arrangements will be 
 entered into only by governmental supervision. 
 
 Sharpe. Well, 1 move that you be appointed the head 
 of the new department. But take my advice and get busy. 
 1 really believe Mary is fond of you. 
 
 PoLLiN {/ui/f eagerly). Do you think so ? Ah, but this 
 is a weakness. If I arrive at the conclusion that Mary is 
 the wife for me, I will love her, but otherwise 1 cannot, 
 must not. (Sharpe throws open the door quickly. Mrs. 
 Smith's raucous voice cati be heard.) 1 beseech you, close 
 that door. 
 
 Sharpe. You have no soul for music. 
 
 PoLLiN. At any rate, keep that door closed. 
 
 Sharpe. That was her final trill. 1 guess 1 win my bet. 
 
 PoLLiN. Your bet? 
 
 Shakpe. Yes, that Mrs. Smith would sing at least six 
 pieces to-night. That's her fourth up to date. Hear the 
 applause. 
 
 (Zr<? throivs the door open and applause is heard.) 
 
 PoLLiN {gazing at his watch). I must go. I promised 
 Mary to be there in five minutes. 
 Sharpe {opening door). Too late. 
 PoLLiN. But 1 pledged my word. 
 Sharpe. Too late. They are coming out here now. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 1 5 
 
 {Efiter Randall, c, followed by James, Mrs. R., Miss 
 SiMPLiN and guesls.) 
 
 Randall. This is the hbrary, and some library, too. 
 
 Miss S. Isn't it perfectly fascinating? 
 
 Randall. Quite so, quite so. You will find here books 
 on every subject. I don't read 'em myself. When i get 
 home at night I'm too tired. I look over the paper and 
 then I'm ready for bed. But Mary reads some. And any- 
 way, a fellow ought to have a library, you know. 
 
 Miss S. When I am married, i shall surely have books. 
 
 Sharpe {to James). " When " is right. 
 
 Randall. Just got me a set of George Eliot. A first- 
 class author, though he did cut up some high jinks, from 
 what they tell me. They say his books are all right, though. 
 
 {^E titer Mary and Arthur, c. They retfiain up l. talking.^ 
 
 Miss S. Why, George Eliot's works are simply magnifi- 
 cent. I read them over and over again. 
 
 Randall. Here is a set of Dickens, thirty volumes. 
 How any one could write as much as that is beyond me. 
 
 Sharpe. He wrote it for so much a column. The more 
 he wrote the more they paid him. 
 
 Miss S. What an awful way to think about it, Mr. 
 Sharpe. How very sordid ! 
 
 Randall. It fills up a shelf, anyway. 
 
 Mrs. Smith {booming voice). Everybody ought to have 
 a library. 
 
 Miss S. I just adore books. 
 
 Randall. Wasn't Mrs. Smith in magnificent voice 
 to-night? 
 
 Sharpe. Quite the contrary. I think the magnificent 
 voice was in Mrs. Smith. {He bows grandiloquently to the 
 singer^ who acknowledges with a lofty curtsey. Aside to 
 James.) It must be in her, because I didn't hear any come 
 out, 
 
 (Arthur is completely monopolizing Mary. His interest 
 in her is the prominent point in the scene. Others are 
 glancing at books. Pollin is much absorbed in the same 
 book as on his previous appearance.) 
 
 Randall. If a fellow hasn't knowledge in his head, he 
 can have all he wants in his library. 
 
l6 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 Sharpe. Pollin seems greatly interested in something 
 there. 
 
 Mrs. S. Quite so. 
 
 Miss S. He is completely enveloped. 
 
 Sharpe. 1 say, Pollin ! {No answer.') 
 
 Several {loudly). Pollin ! 
 
 Randall. Oh, Mr. Pollin ! 
 
 Pollin. Did some one speak ? I fear I was absorbed. 
 
 Sharpe. You were. This is a party, Mr. Pollin. You 
 owe some of your brilliance to the guests. Chirp up — 
 chatter ! 
 
 Miss S. {aside to Mrs. S.). What was he reading? 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, some book about scientific marriage, you 
 know. 
 
 Miss S. He ought to try some practical experience. 
 
 {She looks significaiitly at Mary.) 
 
 Mrs. S. There seems to be more than one string to her 
 bow. 
 
 Sharpe. Also more than one beau on the string. 
 
 Miss S. Oh, Mr. Sharpe, you are so clever. Your wit 
 is absolutely instantaneous. 
 
 Sharpe. I've got a bet up he marries in a year. 
 
 Miss S. Did you mean to any one person in particular ? 
 
 Sharpe. No. Just that he's married. He seems to be 
 making quite a study of the subject. 
 
 (Pollin is again absorbed, while Arthur is in animated 
 conversation with Mary.) 
 
 Randall. We had better get back to the parlor — er — 
 living-room and have some more music. 
 
 Sharpe. Fine. That's me. Say, did you know we're 
 a musical bunch up to our house? 
 
 Randall. How so? 
 
 Sharpe. Name's Sharpe, live in a flat, get a note from 
 mother-in-law, no more rests, hard to be natural, omit all 
 bars, skilful touch, soft pedal, can't get a key and harmony's 
 all gone. 
 
 Miss S. Isn't he the cutest thing ? I always said I wanted 
 to marry a witty man. 
 
 Sharpe. Too late, too late, Miss Simplin. Pm off" the 
 market. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE I7 
 
 (Led dy RAiiB ALL ^he guests exeunt, c. Mrs. R. goes out l. 
 PoLLiN is brought to his feet by Sharpe a7id escorted outy 
 ajnong the last. Mary turns to follow, but Arthur 
 restrains her and t/iey remain after the otiiers have gone.) 
 
 Arthur {as the last guest is leaving). Just a moment, 
 Mary. I want to see you. I must see you. ' 
 
 Mary. Well, what is it, Mr. Swift? 
 
 Arthur. You know what it is, Mary. I love you, and 
 I just had to lell you, that's all. If you hadn't stayed here, 
 1 would have told you in there in front of them ail. You 
 are the only girl for me, and the only one there ever will be. 
 
 Mary. Why, you've hardly known me a week. 
 
 Arthur. I know, but it seems as if I had known you 
 forever. 1 used to make fun of love at first sight, but the 
 moment I met you I understood what poets meant about 
 meeting your fate. 
 
 Mary. We must get back. They will miss us. 
 
 Arthur. What does it matter? What does anything 
 maiter but love? I don't listen to what they say. lean 
 hardly see them. All I realize is you, you, you. 
 
 Mary. Dear me, this is serious. 
 
 Arthur. Serious? I should say it is serious. This is the 
 biggest thing I ever had happen to me. Mary, you ought 
 to see me at the office. 
 
 Mary. I have, 1 think 
 
 Arthur. But not since you've known me. I hustle 
 around as though inspired, and I am, as far as that goes. 
 They've given me one raise already and promised me 
 another. 
 
 Mary. I'm glad. 
 
 Arthur. So I think I'm perfectly justified in telling you 
 I love you. Will you marry me? 
 
 Mary. Why, Mr. Swift 
 
 Arthur. Why not Arthur? 
 
 Mary. Arthur, then. We've known each other only a 
 week. I may not be at all the girl you think I am. 
 
 Arthur. Oh, yes, you are. 
 
 Mary. Now, Mr. Pollin's different. (Laughs.) He's 
 making a careful study of me to see if I am what he took me 
 to be. He not only studies me, but the whole family and 
 all our ancestors as far back as he can find out. 
 
 Arthur. Yes, and if you wait for Pollin to figure it out. 
 
1 8 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 you'll get married in another incarnation. What does he 
 know about love — with all his scientific theories of fitness ? 
 
 Mary. Mr. PoUin is a very fine uian, and he has been 
 very attentive. 
 
 Arthur. Bother ! If I had been attentive to another 
 woman fifty years and then saw you, i would drop her like 
 a hot coal. 
 
 Mary. Why, Arthur, how derelict in your duty ! 
 
 Arthur. It's no use teasing me, Mary ; 1 love you, 
 always have — for a week — and always will. I'll keep on 
 a^.l<ing you until you say yes. 
 
 Mary. Well, you're a very precipitate young man. 
 Anyway, we won't talk about it any more just now. 
 
 Arthur. 1 am not indifferent to you ? 
 
 Mary {Jiesitatiug~). Why, no, not indifferent 
 
 Arthur. I don't see how you could help liking me a 
 little when I love you such a lot. 
 
 Mary. Do you know Bertha Smylie? 
 
 Arthur {witJi a wry face). Yes. Why? 
 
 Mary. She might love you a lot. W^ould that make you 
 love her ? 
 
 Arthur. That's altogether different. 
 
 Mary. Oh, no 
 
 Arthur. Well, it is, and I want you to tell me I can 
 hope. 
 
 Mary. Dear me, how impetuous ! I must be going 
 now. 
 
 (^Exit, hurriedly, "L. Arthur /i/i,<^ers a momefif. He sees a 
 picture ^t/'Mary on tlie table and kisses it rapturously.) 
 
 {Enter Sharpe, c.) 
 
 Sharpk. Ah, ha, my boy, caught in the act. What are 
 you doing out here when Mrs. Smith is singing? 
 
 Arthur. Is Mrs. Smith singing ? 
 
 Sharpe [opening the door). Not at all. (Mrs. S.'s 
 booviing voice is heard. ) I know what you were doing. A 
 certain young lady 
 
 Arthur. Isn't she a peach, Julius? 
 
 Sharpe. With cream, my boy, and you're not allowing 
 any grass to grow under your feet, I observe. Let me see, 
 how long have you known this fair damsel ? 
 
 Arthur {seriously). 1 met Mary a week ago to-night. 
 I shall never forget it as long as 1 live. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 19 
 
 Sharpe. Quite so. But remember the race is not always 
 to the swift. 
 
 Arthur. If she says no, I shall never marry. 
 
 Sharpe {laughing). And you've known her a whole 
 week. 
 
 Arthur. I can never know her better. 
 
 Sharpe. Why, Pollin has made a scientific study of her 
 for nearly two years, and he doesn't know her yet. 
 
 Arthur. Poor Pollin. He is doomed to disappoint- 
 ment. 
 
 Sharpe. Won't find her the proper party, eh? 
 
 Arthur. Oh, he'll decide to marry her all right, but too 
 late. 
 
 Sharpe. Dear me, how impetuous is young love ! 
 
 Arthur. Now, that's all right. But just watch me. 
 
 Sharpe. With both eyes. Come, let's go back. Bad 
 form, sneaking away the moment Mrs. Smith opens her 
 mouth. 
 
 Arthur. I had other business. 
 
 Sharpe. I see. {Exeunt^ c. After a uiomeiit^ Pollin 
 enters, c, and taki?ig tip his book, is quickly absorbed. 
 Sharpe enters, c. Sharpe, excitedly.) Say, better make 
 up your mind, old man. 
 
 Pollin. I have — ahnost. 
 
 Sharpe. Swift is after your girl — after her like a house 
 afire. 
 
 Pollin, Swift? Dear me, that frivolous fellow. Why, 
 Mary would never give him a second thought. 
 
 Sharpe. Don't you be too sure. Pve seen a thing or 
 two. 
 
 Pollin. Still, it may be as well to accelerate matters a 
 trifle. 1 have practically decided that Mary and I are tem- 
 peramentally fitted to form a proper marriage. Her family 
 history is satisfactory — yes, I think I shall mention the mat- 
 ter at the first convenient opportunity. 
 
 Sharpe. Oh, hop to it ! Love should make its own op- 
 portunities. 
 
 Pollin. I shall find a way. 
 
 Sharpe. You do love Mary. 
 
 Pollin. Why, I 
 
 Sharpe. Of course you do. 
 
 Pollin. I suppose I do, when it comes to that. 
 
 Sharpe. Swift says she is a peach. 
 
20 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 POLLIN. I cannot conceive any reseuiblance. 
 
 Shahpe. Anyway, take my advice and pop the question. 
 
 PoLLiN. Pop the question ? 
 
 Shakpe. Yes, that's always the proper order. First, 
 pop the question, then question the pop. Remember, I'm 
 looking for action, my boy ! 
 
 {Exeuni, c.) 
 
 {Efiter Mary atid MpxS. R., l.) 
 
 Mrs. R. Has he proposed yet ? 
 
 Mary. Who? 
 
 Mrs. R. Who? Mr. PoUin, of course. How many 
 offers are you expecting ? 
 
 Mary. Why, no, he hasn't exactly. 
 
 Mrs. R. Exactly? What do you mean, child? Either 
 a man proposes or he doesn't. 
 
 Mary. He hinted that he might some day. 
 
 Mrs. R. Some day ? I've seen a mule that you couldn't 
 move without lighting a fire under him. 1 made your father 
 start a fire under Mr. Pollin. 
 
 Mary. Why, mother, 1 don't want to be forced on Mr. 
 Pollin. 
 
 Mrs. R. {astofiished). You always told us you liked 
 Mr. Pollin. 
 
 Mary. I do. He's a fine man. 
 
 Mrs. R. Maybe, but if he gets into this family, he'll 
 step livelier. I'll see to that. 
 
 {Ex a Mrs. R., c.) 
 
 Mary {callinor). Oh, mother ! (Mrs. R. reappears.) 
 Don't you like Arthur Swift ? 
 
 Mrs. R. Oh, so that's what you're thinking about, is it ? 
 Well, I must say he has some get up and go to him, any- 
 vv^ay. 
 
 Mary. He seems so clever and — and so much in earnest. 
 
 Mrs. R. If you love him, honey, I'll back you up. 
 
 {Exit Mrs. R., c. M-kv^x pauses a second as though look- 
 ing over the books.) 
 
 {Enter Arthur, c.) 
 
 Arthur. Isn't this just great? I thought you might be 
 here, and you are and alone. This is great luck. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 21 
 
 Mary. We must join the others. 
 
 Arthur. Others? There are no others, just you and 
 me. That's tiie way 1 feel. And there's not a whole lot of 
 me, eitlier, 
 
 Mary {demurely). You look like quite a little. 
 
 Arthur. A hundred and seventy-five pounds. But, 
 Mary, I feel as though just you and I are facing a great big 
 crisis. Nothing else matters, only us. {He endeavors to 
 put an arm around her, but she gently discourages him.) 
 I've known you only a week, but 1 know I'll love you as 
 long as I live, and if you care for me a tenth part as much 
 as 1 care for you, you'll love me an awful lot 
 
 Mary. But, Arthur, consider 
 
 Arthur. Consider? When you see a diamond lying 
 around loose, you don't consider. You grab it, if you can. 
 I want you, 1 need you, I don't have to take a university 
 course to teach me it is you I want. Tell me you're not 
 indifferent. 
 
 Mary. I did 
 
 {The door, c, opens slightly and Miss ^.'s face is seen. 
 Arthur and Mary are unconscious of it.) 
 
 Arthur. Say you love me a litde bit. 
 
 Mary. Why, you impudent 
 
 Arthur. Impudent? Yes, but you like me. Now, 
 little girl, learn your little lesson. Say, <* I love you a 
 little bit." 
 
 Mary. I'm not sure. 
 
 Arthur. Honest ? 
 
 Mary. Well, I guess maybe 
 
 Arthur. Of course you do. Hurray-de-boom-de-dah ! . 
 Come on, everybody. 
 
 (Mary hastily claps a hand over his mouth.) 
 
 Mary. Whatever are you thinking about? I didn't 
 admit a thing, 
 
 Arthur. Yes, you did. Going to tell all the folks. 
 Can't keep the good news to myself. I'm just bubbling 
 over. 
 
 Mary. We'll keep quiet about it for a while, anyway. 
 
 Arthur. You can't keep me quiet unless you padlock 
 my oratorical apparatus. 
 
22 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 Mary. Better be careful, young man. Remember, I 
 ©Illy said I loved you a littie bit. 
 
 (Miss S.'s face is withdrawn.') 
 
 Arthur. I'll be so quiet a clam might call me brother. 
 
 Mary {with mock severity'). See that you do. Let us 
 go back before they begin talking 
 
 Arthur. I hope 
 
 Mary. And don't you look so ridiculously happy. Any- 
 body could guess something was up. (Arthur turns dowfi 
 the corners of his inoiith, but a smile conquers and he laughs 
 again.) Now, you do as you're told, or I'll take back 
 everything 1 said. 
 
 (She takes him by the ar7n and they exeunt, c. ) 
 
 {^Enter Pollin and Sharpe, l.) 
 
 Sharpe. a word to the wise is plenty. If you want the 
 girl, you'd better step lively. 
 
 Pollin. What is the emergency ? 
 
 Sharpe. Swift is buzzing around her as busy as a bee, I 
 tell you. 
 
 Pollin. Surely you don't take Swift seriously. 
 
 Sharpe. Never mind what I think. It's what Mary 
 thinks. 
 
 Pollin. But logically 
 
 Sharpe. 1 know — logically, but remember, ray dear 
 fellow, we are discussing a lady. 
 
 Pollin. I utterly decline to recognize this absurd — eh — 
 ah — Mr. Speed 
 
 Sharpe. Swift. 
 
 Pollin. Swift, then, and his ridiculous pretentions. 
 However, perhaps it will be for the best, now that I am 
 practically certain of my ground, to take a positive position. 
 
 Sharpe. Take it from me, I would. And I hope she 
 gives her gracious consent. 
 
 Pollin. Mary understands the situation perfectly. 
 
 Sharpe. I'll tell her you wish to see her. 
 
 (Zr<? exits rapidly, c. Pollin is not at all disturbed^ but 
 awaits her coining in complete calmtiess.) 
 
 {Enter Mary, c.) 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 23 
 
 Mary. Mr. Sharpe says you wish to see me. 
 
 PoLLiN. 1 do. Mary, I have given the matter we spoke 
 of my most earnest consideration. 
 
 Maky {anxious). Oh, have you ? 
 
 PoLLiN. Yes. 1 have reached a conclusion, 
 
 Mary {faintly). Indeed. 
 
 PoLLiN. I am convinced, after a thorough study of the 
 harmonious elements in human nature and a rigid analysis 
 of your traits and my own that we are approximately fit and 
 logical life companions for each other. 
 
 Mary. Oh, do you think so? 
 
 PoLLiN. Yes. 1 arrived at this decision not because of 
 any mere casual liking or hasty infatuation, but by a most 
 scientific examination of the deepest currents of human life. 
 I ask you to corroborate my finding. Will you be my wife ? 
 
 Mary. Oh, Mr. Pollin, 1 
 
 PoLLiN. Let us be sensible, Mary. This is no time for 
 sentimental hesitation. We must face these questions as 
 they arise. 
 
 Mary. I cannot marry you. 
 
 PoLLiN. Cannot ? Let me present the matter again. 
 
 Mary. No. I cannot^ must not let you say anything 
 more. Listen — a month ago, had you asked me tiiis ques- 
 tion, I do not know what my answer might have been. I 
 have always liked you. You know that. 1 respected your 
 ideas and theories, though I hardly felt I completely under- 
 stood them. 
 
 Pollin. Let me explain — — 
 
 Mary. Not now. Don't you remember what I told you ? 
 Love counts more than all the investigation. 
 
 Pollin. I know, Mary, but 1 do love you. 
 
 Mary. Perhaps you think you do, Mr. Pollin, but when 
 love really comes, you don't think about it. You know it. 
 I thought perhaps I liked you well enough to say yes to 
 your question, but when love really came, I knew it and saw 
 that it was greater than all the scientific theories in the world. 
 
 PoLLiisr. But I do love you, Mary. I do, really, I am 
 sure of it. In fact, I am willing to admit that love is very 
 important 
 
 Mary. Don't you understand, Mr. Pollin? I am 
 pledged to some one else. 
 
 Pollin {aghast). Whom, may I ask? 
 
 Mary. Why, yes. It's Arthur Swifts 
 
24 POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 PoLLiN. Arthur Swift ! Why, you told me you met him 
 only a week ago 
 
 Mary. That is true, but 
 
 PoLLiN. A week ! How could he really know you, 
 know whether you are at all fitted for each other, even were 
 he inclined to investigate, which 1 very much doubt. 
 
 Mary. He seems to know. 
 
 PoLLiN. Mary, I am more disappointed than I can say. 
 1 realize now how much you really are to me. Accept my 
 superior judgment in this matter. Do not let a hasty action 
 spoil your entire life. Let me examine Mr. Swift's charac- 
 ter and report. You can trust me to be impartial. Then 
 and not till then make your final decision. 
 
 Mary (Jzindly but firmly^. No. I'm sorry, Mr. Pollin, 
 but it must be no. Some day you will meet the real woman 
 of your choice, and you won't spend five minutes analyzing 
 her character. You will just know — that's all. 
 
 Pollin. Pleasant, but hardly reasonable — or scientific, 
 Mary. 
 
 (^Etiter all the other guests excitedly y c, and Mrs. R. at l.) 
 
 Miss S. Isn't it perfectly delicious ! And when will you 
 be married ? 
 
 Mary. Who? 
 
 Several. Why, you and Arthur, of course. 
 
 Arthur {to Mary). I didn't breathe a word, honest, I 
 didn't. 
 
 Mary. Who did, then ? 
 
 Arthur. Miss Simplin says she happened to be in the 
 
 next room 
 
 Mary. Well, when she knows, everybody knows. 
 Mrs. R. {^oing toy\.^\ci'). My dearest child. 
 Mrs. S. What I want to know is, is it true? 
 Mary. We have nothing for publication. 
 Mrs. S. But you don't deny it? 
 Mary. ) t.^ 
 Arthur. I No-o- 
 
 Randall {going to them). Well, here's my blessing, 
 right off the bat. 
 
 Pollin {to Sharpe). A year and a half wasted. I'll 
 have to begin again on some girl a great deal like Mary 
 
 Arthur {overhearing). There isn't any girl like Mary 
 in the whole world. 
 
POLLIN PICKS A WIFE 
 
 25 
 
 PoLLiN {to Sharpe). Do you know, Miss Siiiiplin seems 
 to me quite a remarkable woman ? 
 
 Sharpe. Very — remarkable. 
 
 Randall (Jo Sharpe). Better congratulate the boy, 
 -Julius. 
 
 (PoLLiN has turned to Miss S.) 
 
 Sharpe. I guess not. It makes my ten dollars look bad. 
 
 James. Might as well pay up, Julius. He bet ten dol- 
 lars that PoUin would be married in a year. 
 
 Sharpe {loo ki fig at Pollin a/id Miss S. signijicantly). 
 I'm not giving up yet. To you, my boy {to Arthur), let 
 me warn you, marriage is a grab bag; more blanks than 
 prizes, too. 
 
 Arthur. I'm lucky, then. I'm getting a first prize. 
 
 {He puts an arm around Mary.) 
 
 Sharpe. Maybe. Tell me ten years from now. And 
 to you, my dear friend Pollin, let me say, he that investi- 
 gates is lost ; or in other words you must fire while the bird 
 is still in the air. 
 
 Randall {to Arthur). Say, son, what I like about you 
 is that you do move suddenly ! 
 
 {All crotvd around Arthur and Mary, congratulating them.) 
 
 Pollin {to Miss S.). Will you be home next Tuesday 
 evening? 
 
 Miss S. Oh, Mr. Pollin ! 
 
 (She gurglifigly assents as the curtain falls.) 
 
 curtain 
 
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 EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 
 
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 BACK TO THE COUNTRY STORE. A Rural Enter- 
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 THE DISTRICT CONVENTION. A Farcical Sketch 
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