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 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 Anthony Hyphen-Brown ) 
 
 > A Young Married Couple* 
 Lily Hyphen-Brown ) 
 
 Mrs. Plush A Landlady. 
 
 SCEN E— 
 No. i, Sea View Terrace, Littlehole-on-Sea. 
 
 AH Rights Rosonvod. 
 

 DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS 
 AND PROPERTIES. 
 
 Mrs. PLUSH— 
 
 Comfortable looking— hair scraped back. Black Dress. 
 Black Silk Apron. Properties- ist Tray : Cups, 
 Plates, Cloth, Bread, and Butter. 2nd Tray: Cake, 
 Jam, &c, Letter. $rd Tray : Teapot, Hot Water, 
 Shrimps. 
 
 LILY HYPHEN = BROWN— 
 
 Young. Pretty Walking Dress. Hat. Properties- 
 Sunshade. Papers. 
 
 TONY HYPHEN=BROWN— 
 
 Young. Morning Suit. Properties— Rugs. Lily's 
 Cloak. 
 
 ON STAGE— 
 
 Ordinary Furniture. Table, C. Sideboard, R. Piano, L. 
 Paper-basket. » • . • 
 
 STAGE NOISES— 
 
 Stamping oft, L. ; cue— " Mrs. P.: Oh, my 'all lamp." 
 
 CI.D 229 
 
"A WET BLANKET 
 
 ft 
 
 SCENE - - Parlour of No. I, Sea View Terrace. 
 
 Curtain goes up on a sea-side lodging sitting room, furnished 
 in the inevitable scanty sea-side style. Shells decorate the 
 mantel-piece, antimacassars ornament the chairs, &c. 
 Furniture can be arranged at will, with exit R. and L. 
 Table in centre, sideboard (R.) one side of room, piano (L,.) 
 the other. Enter Mrs. PiyUSH carrying tea-tray. She 
 proceeds to lay the table for tea, C. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Just time to get their tea for 'em. The 
 lady said to 'ave tea ready. Wonder w'ot they'll be 
 like. Quite young, Mrs. Williams as recommended 
 'em said, and not married so very long. Well, I don't 
 mind if they do do a bit of 'oneymoonin' together. 
 I'm a rare one for romance myself, it gives a flavour 
 to life, I says, like a spring onion with a bread and 
 cheese supper. Let me see, w'ot do I want now ? 
 {Regards tabled) There's the cake and the jam to get. . 
 
 Bustles off R., re-appearing immediately with cake, &c, on 
 tray, and places on table, then takes letter off tray. 
 
 . . . There's a letter just come for them. My 
 word, but it's come from Canterbury, by the post 
 mark. That's strange, now ; perraps they know 
 Fanny ; I must ask them. Anthony Hyphen-Brown, 
 Esq., is the name ; here, I'll put it on the chiffoneer, 
 so as I can't forget to give it to Mr. What's-his-name 
 Brown. Well, I 'ope they'll like the room, they ought 
 to. {Complacently:) Best room in the Terrace, that's 
 w'ot it is, tho' they do say — {advances centre) — that 
 Mrs. Spriggs, as 'as just took No. 7, is 'aving it 
 furnished by Warin'. Plush says there won't be much 
 wear-in her furniture, but Plush must 'ave 'is little 
 joke. Poor thing ! She'll be 'avin' electrict light 
 
and an elevating lift next, and how will she look at 
 the end of the quarter, with her rent to pay, and all 
 her money gone? She'll find that a bit wearin', I'm 
 thinking. (Laughs.) I must tell Plush that, r e always 
 says I can't make a joke. Well — (triumphantly)— 
 Mrs. Spriggs hasrit got a piano ! 
 
 Advances to piano, opens it lovingly, and runs her hand up 
 and down the keys, making the usual blood-curdling 
 sounds. 
 
 . . . Such a tone ! (Bell ri?igs.) 
 
 Exit Mrs. Plush hastily, L-, tidying herself at glass in 
 passing. Voices are heard, then re-enter Mrs. Plush 
 showing in Mr. and Mrs. Hyphen-Brown, L. Mrs. 
 Hyphen-Brown is fashionably dressed. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Very pleased to see you, I'm sure, 
 ma'am, and I trust you will approve of the rooms. 
 This — {with a?i air) — is the drawin' room. 
 Stands back C, smoothing hands. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (superciliously) : Oh, yes, and 
 after all, it's only for a few days or a week, at the 
 most. (Aside — For not an instant longer do I remain 
 in this ghastly end-of-the-world hole.) Aloud to Mrs. 
 Plush, crosses R. — You quite understand that I only 
 took the rooms for a week ? 
 
 Turns to Mrs. Pjcush down R. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Oh, yes, ma'am ; and I'm sure I'm 
 very pleased to let them, though some hold that a 
 week's let don't pay for the wear and tear on the 
 furniture, but with the season so bad as it was last 
 year, and Plush in bed 'alf the winter with newmony. 
 {Breaks off and flies to L. exit.) There's the luggage ! 
 My goodness, what boxes ! Hi, you there ! We 
 didn't hire you to knock the house down ; just be 
 careful of the walls, now — oh, my 'all lamp. 
 
 Exit in a hurry, L. Much stamping is heard. 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown has been looking round with a dis- 
 gusted air. flinging her sunshade on to one chair, papers on 
 to another, herself on to a third, R. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen -Brown : By jove, Lily, what a rum 
 little place. Rather jolly, don't you think? (Moves 
 up, C.) 
 
Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (icily) : It is certainly very 
 rum, but I fail to see where the jolly comes in. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen -Brown {striding about) : I don't know, 
 I like it awfully. Wonderful to think a little out-of- 
 the-way place like this still exists in these days of 
 motors and tourists. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Yes, I must say, even in my 
 worst forebodings, I never pictured quite such a deadly 
 place. Why, there isn't even a promenade ! 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Of course not. Who wants a 
 beastly promenade ? But there's a glorious sandy 
 beach I'd like to import a lot of London arabs. 
 There'd be paddling room for them by the million, 
 poor little beggars. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : No doubt, but as luckily we 
 have not a million London arabs dependent on us, 
 the sands are rather thrown away, though I daresay 
 — (sneeringlv) — you'd like to paddle. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {eagerly): Yes — will you come ? 
 Wouldn't it be rather sport to go off to-morrow, with 
 a shrimping net and sandwiches, and have a good 
 long day ? {Crosses over to her, R.) 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : You must have your " good 
 long day" alone, and satisfy your paddling instincts 
 without me, then. Why, just think of one's clothes ! 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown: If you wouldn't think of 
 them you'd be much better off, and so should I, b}' 
 George — that last little bill was rather a corker. 
 {Crosses down, C.L,.) 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Oh, if you're going to begin 
 about that bill, I shall go upstairs. You might have 
 a little thought for me, I think, my head is simply 
 splitting. {Fretfully.) 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {contritely) : Of course it is, my 
 darling, after that long walk from the station ; how 
 selfish of me not to think of it. Will you go up to 
 your room and rest ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Yes. I'll go up and see what 
 sort of an apartment I've got to endure for the next 
 week. A feather bed, I'm sure, and probably a patch- 
 work quilt. 
 
6 
 
 Rises, collects sunshade, gloves, &c. 
 Enter Mrs. PivUSH, R. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : And when would you like tea, ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: At once, please. You have 
 a servant, of course ? 
 
 Mrs. PivUSH : No, thank goodness, I haven't. The 
 last played me such tricks that I've done the work 
 myself since, with a girl in the kitchen. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (wearily) : Oh, then, will you 
 show me my room, please ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush : This way, ma'am. (Exeunt, R.) 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown (leaving room): Heavens!. 
 What corkscrew stairs ! 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown (gloomily) : Well, a nice be- 
 ginning we've made ! If only Lil wouldn't look on 
 the worst side of everything. She takes all the 
 pleasure out of life, and we're only six months married. 
 This is the first time we've been away together since 
 the honeymoon. By George, it did give me rather a 
 shock to hear those two fellows at the Club the other 
 night. " Good chap, Hyphen-Brown, but his wife's a 
 regular Wet Blanket." They didn't know the " good 
 chap" happened to be within earshot. (Laughs 
 bitterly.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Pi,USH, very red and breathless, R. 
 
 Mrs. Pujsh (volubly) : I'm afraid your good lady 
 isn't over pleased with the room, sir. She says it is 
 small, and so it may be, but as large as any in the 
 Terrace, an' I've seen six sleeping in it in August, but 
 with those great boxes of 'ers, of course it don't give 
 no room a chanst ; an' the largest w'ot wouldn't go in 
 and had to be stood on the landin', tho' the man 
 scratched all the paint off the door a-tryin' to get it 
 in, an' then — (crescendo) — she goes and says it's stuffy ! 
 which I've never 'ad said be-fore, tho' I've always 'ad 
 the best people in the house. Gen'ral Watkins an' 'is 
 wife, w'ot I had for six months — " an' w'ot I like about 
 your rooms, Mrs. Plush, is their Hairiness" was 'is 
 very words to me, and I'm sure — 
 
 Pauses for want of breath. 
 
Mr. Hyphen-Brown {who has been vainly iryi?ig to 
 stem the current) : I'm quite sure my wife did not mean 
 "stuffy," Mrs. Plush. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : P'raps not — she said stuffy, that's all I 
 know. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown: Er— she's got rather a head- 
 ache — the journey you know, er — Now, would you be 
 so kind as to let us have tea as soon as you can ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush {recovering her equanimity)'. I'll go down 
 at once, sir. The kettle's on the boil, and I'm sure 
 I'm anxious to do my best to please. Would you like 
 anything with your teas ? I didn't know what the 
 lady would like. Do you think a little water-crease, 
 or p'raps some s'rimps? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown: Shrimps! The very thing. 
 I haven't eaten a shrimp since I was one myself. 
 
 Mrs. Plush {delighted) : Very good, sir, I'll just let 
 the girl run round to Codling's, the Fishmonger. 
 Exit, R. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {following he?-) : And, I say, 
 Mrs. Plush, brown ones, you know, great fat fellows, 
 and. plenty of 'em. {Retti7ns,C) Dear me, how jolly 
 this would all be, if only Lily would enjoy it, too. 
 Why, hello — {takes letter from sideboard) — here's a 
 letter for me. Jove, it is from Maggie. {Comes down 
 C, and opens letter.) Dear little girl, Maggie, .she's 
 the .sort that would make a man happy. Wonder 
 what she says. {Opens and reads letter, standifig 
 facing audience.) 
 
 " Briarlees, Canterbury. 
 
 ' ' Dear Boodles — {aside: She always called me Boodles). 
 I am staying here with the Parkers, and I feel I must 
 write you a line, for I've something I want to say to 
 you particularly, but please understand this is in the 
 strictest eonfiden ce. ' ' 
 
 ( Whistles.) Hullo, what's old Mag up to now, I 
 wonder. {Continues reading letter aloud.) 
 
 " Now, you mustn't be offended at what I'm going to 
 say, but I've been worrying about you and Lily ever 
 since I dined with you last Monday. I couldn't help 
 seeing you didn't seem to hit it off together. It is 
 such a pity, for 3'ou're both awfully fond of each other. 
 
Now, I've known Lily longer than you have — she was 
 my friend before she was yours, you know, and I'm 
 going to give you a bit of good advice, as if I was 
 your elderly maiden aunt. You don't take Lily the 
 right way. You give in to her too much, and she 
 despises you for it, and just tries to see how far she 
 can go. She is a sweet, dear girl, but she wants a 
 masterful man ; you'll find she'll respect you more if 
 you are firm with her. I must stop. Give my love 
 to Lily, and please burn this letter. Don't miscontrue 
 what I have written, but do as I tell you, and you'll 
 see that I'm right. Your affectionate cousin, 
 
 Maggie." 
 
 "P.S.: I'm going to tell you a secret. Capt. Danvers 
 and I are e?igaged to be mairicd. He is Daisy Parker's 
 brother, you know, and as he's not spoken to mamma 
 yet, don't say a word about it. I feel so awfully happy 
 that I want my dear old Boodles to be happy, too." 
 
 Dear little girl — Bertie Danvers is a good chap. I 
 always, thought that would be a case. How pleased 
 Lily will be. I must tell her. {Moves towards door, R.) 
 No, by jove, I mustn't, what an ass lam ! {Sits down, L-) 
 Let me see, she wants me to burn this letter. Well, I 
 think I'd better, for it Lil got hold of it there'd be 
 wigs on the green. I half believe Maggie's right, and 
 I've given way to Lil too much. I shouldn't wonder 
 — women are queer animals ! Well, now, to be rid of 
 this; I can't burn it, for there's no fire. If I light a 
 match and consume it, the ashes will make such a 
 beastly mess, and besides, Lily might come in in the 
 middle. What the deuce shall I do with it. I know, 
 I'll tear it up — {begins tearing) — in small, very small 
 pieces, and put it in my pocket. {Pulls out pocket 
 handkerchief, and puts bits in pocket, carefully. Looks 
 ro?md.) I don't want to leave any about, as the hero 
 in the^ melodrama invariably does when he gets an 
 incriminating letter. Not that this is incriminating 
 exactly, but still, if Lily were to pick up a piece with 
 "strictly confidential" or " don't tell Lil " on it, she 
 would jump at absurd conclusions, with the help of 
 that marvellous arithmetical process which women 
 call " putting two and two together." 
 
Enter Mrs. Plush R. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : I've taken the liberty of not disturbing 
 your good lady, sir. She is havin' a little nap to her- 
 self, so I won't bring up tea till she wakes. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Poor little woman ; how tired 
 she must be. You are sure she is not ill ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Oh ! dear, no, sir. Just let 'er 'ave 'er 
 forty winks out, and she'll be as right as a trivet, 
 though I must say she don't look over and above 
 strong. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {aside) : Now Mrs. Plush is 
 here, I'll just put a few questions to her, and find out 
 what sort of a woman she is. Aloud: No, she isn't, 
 and then this heat has tried her. (Mrs. Plush moves 
 towards exit, R.) Don't go, Mrs. Plush— sit down, 
 won't you ? I want to have a little chat with you. 
 
 Mrs. Plush (seating herself R., on extreme edge of 
 chair) : Thank you, sir. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown (seating himself, L,.) : Have you 
 always lived here, Mrs. Plush ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush : A matter of forty odd years, sir. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Really. Well, I'm sure 
 you're a first-rate advertisement for the place, you 
 look so well and happy, Mrs. Plush. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : I never feel no call to pull a long face, 
 sir, and w'en there's lodgers in the house I've no time 
 to mope. I always pities ladies who can sit down and 
 cry w'en ever the fancy takes them ; if they'd to wait 
 and wash up first, they'd find it took their minds off. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : But then, Mrs. Plush, though 
 they mayn't have your er — charming domestic duties 
 to attend to, most ladies nowadays do such a lot of 
 things, they visit or shop, or play bridge. My wife 
 goes in greatly for music. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : She must try the piano, sir, it's only 
 half-a-crown a week extry, and a beautiful tone. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown : She'll be delighted, I'm sure. 
 (A pause ensues.) Er — {nervously/) — Have you had a 
 fair season, Mrs. Plush? Aside-. That's a good sort 
 of thing to ask her 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Middlin', sir, though I lost a matter 
 of ten days' let in June through illness, but then you 
 
10 
 
 must take the bads with the goods, as Plush always 
 says. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : That's your husband, I 
 suppose. What is his trade ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush {with an ait')'. He's got the livery 
 stables here, sir. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Really ? A paying business 
 that, I should think. Has he many traps ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush {proudly) : A waggonette or pony shay, 
 w'ichever }'ou please ; and he'd be proud to take you 
 out, I'm sure. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown : He ought to meet the trains, 
 Mrs. Plush. My wife and I had to toil back from the 
 station this afternoon, there wasn't as much as a 
 wheelbarrow to be seen. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Well, it was this way, sir. There's a 
 funeral out Wotton way, and Plush 'ad the job of 
 drivin' some o' the deceased relatives. They say its 
 to be a lovely funeral. Very sudden it was — hale and 
 hearty on Thursday, and . 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown {hastily) : Oh, yes, quite — er — 
 (Aside : How they iove horrors.) Well, and Plush is a 
 good husband, Mrs. Plush ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Oh, yes. As I tell him, there's a-many 
 worse, and we jog along very well. We never 'ave 
 more than a word together, for I always gives in 
 to 'im. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : What a sensible woman you 
 are. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Well, it's not so much sensibleness as 
 not being able to help it. The first time, I let out at 
 him, lor! but I was in a paddy. I remember it well, 
 for I'd a black eye for a fortnight after. That kept 
 me quiet for a time. I used to sit and watch with one 
 eye, the other was all swollen and closed. After that 
 we understood each other. You see, I'd always bin 
 fiery-tempered, and up to then I'd never 'ad no one to 
 master me. Plush was sorry w'en 'e sor my eye, 'e 
 'adn't meant to be unkind, but 'e's a thorough man is 
 Plush ; wot 'e does do 'e does thorough, and my eye 
 was thorough enough. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Dear me ! Then you believe 
 in the husband ruling the wife ? 
 
ii 
 
 Mrs. Plush (solemnly) : I do, sir. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (warmly): What a very sensible 
 woman you are, Mrs. Plush ! 
 
 Mrs. Plush (contemptuously) : Besides, any woman 
 as is worth 'er salt can always 'ave 'er own way. There 
 never was a man a woman couldn't manage if she 
 tried. (Rises.) 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (rather ?ion-p hissed) : Oh ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. Hyphen-Brown, L,. She has removed her hat. 
 Exit Mrs. Plush, R. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (aside) : Now, there's no shadow 
 of doubt I must take a new line with Lily. I can't 
 resort to Mr. Plush's methods, but I must be firm. 
 I'll begin at once. Aloud: Well, Lily, I hope you've 
 waked up in a better temper ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {in an astonished voice) : Was 
 my temper so very bad, then ? I didn't know it. 
 (Crosses back, C.) 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : It's a pit}^ you didn't, for it 
 was awful, unbearable. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown looks astounded at this answer. She 
 
 sits down at table, C. 
 Enter Mrs. Peush with teapot (R.), hot water, and a large 
 
 plate of shrimps. 
 
 Mrs. Plush (triumphantly, R.) : There, sir ! 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (sitting down and pouring out 
 tea, facirig audience) : Why, who ordered the shrimps ? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (seating himself at table, L,.) : 
 I did. What beauties they are. Have some ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (shuddeiing. Tunis to Mrs. 
 Plush, who is just leavitig the room) : Certainly not. 
 You know I can't bear them. Take them away at 
 once, please. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Take them away ! Why, I've just bin 
 an' sent for 'em. 
 
 Seizes plate, and moves away angrily. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (aside): Now is the time — a 
 grand and glorious time to show my strength of 
 character. Aloud: Do nothing of the sort, please. I 
 ordered the shrimps, and I intend them to remain. 
 
 Rises, crosses R., takes plate solemnly from Mrs. Pi<ush, and 
 re-places it on table. Seats himself again, L. 
 
12 
 
 Mrs. Plush {aside) : There's goin' to be a row— so 
 I'm orf— and all about a pint and a 'alf of s'rimps the 
 King couldn't beat at Margate. {Exit, R.) 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (rising) : Anthony ! How 
 dare you ! Either I or the shrimps leave the room. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown {coolly, helping himself largely) : 
 The shrimps aren't going. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {moving slowly towards doo?, 
 R.) : You can choose between me and the shrimps. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown: I have chosen — shrimps for 
 ever. Aside: Now for the storm. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown {aside, as she goes very slowly 
 towards door) : Dear me, whatever is the matter with 
 Tony. I didn't mean to be taken at my word, and I 
 do want my tea so badly, yet I must go now. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown: Come, Lily — re-consider your 
 decision, and I'll give you these lovely fellows I've 
 just peeled. There's a noble offer for you. 
 Holds out a plateful. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Never ; and I think you are 
 perfectly brutal. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown {chce?'ily): Not in the least, 
 only, naturally, weighed in the balance against 
 shrimps, great fat fellows like these, you are found 
 wanting. Shall I send you up some tea? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {with dignity, advancing a?id 
 re-scating herself) : No. You are evidently so exces- 
 sively anxious to get rid of me that I shall remain. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {with inte?ise and imperturbable 
 good humour) : On the contrary, I'm delighted to have 
 you, a?id the shrimps. Come, don't look so tragic — 
 smile at me. 
 
 Leans across table, and tries to coax a smile from her. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {turning away) : Oh, don't 
 trouble about me, please. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown {aside) : Well, I've got my own 
 way, and the beastly shrimps, but otherwise I've only 
 succeeded in putting her into a fearful rage. 
 Enter Mrs. Plush, R. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Oh, please sir, there's a letter 'as come 
 for you, and I've bin an' never told you. I've a head, 
 
13 
 
 an' so's a pin, as Plush says. I put it on the chiffoneer. 
 Did you get it, sir ? 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Er— yes— thanks. 
 
 Exit Mrs. Pi y uSH. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (aside) : Ah ! He's had a 
 letter. Perhaps that explains his sudden bad temper 
 — perhaps — perhaps— {thinks) — he's had bad news. 
 Aloud-. You didn't tell me you had had a letter, Tony ? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {drily)-. I haven't had an 
 opportunity, considering I only got it when you were 
 up stairs, and ever since you came down our one 
 theme of conversation has been shrimps. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : Well, who was it from ? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown (aside) : Now for firmness. 
 Aloud: Nevermind. Aside: That borders on rudeness. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : But I do mind. I believe 
 you've had some bad news. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : No news at all. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Well, why not show me the 
 letter ? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen- Brown (sneezing violently!) : Because I 
 don't mean to. Ah-tish-a-ah-tissh-a ! . . 
 
 Pulling out kandkerchiei, and scattering all the little bits of 
 letter to the wind savagely. 
 
 . . . Well, here it is then ; as you're so precious 
 anxious to see it, make what } r ou can of it. 
 
 Offers her a handful of fragments. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (beginning to cry) : I believe 
 you're hiding something from me. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (contritely, aside) : There, what 
 a brute I am ; I've made her cry. (Takes a step fo? ward 
 to eo?isolc her, and stops.) No, I must be firm. 1 wonder 
 what Plush would do now. If /stay here much longer 
 I know what P 11 do, I shall kiss her. (Jumps tip and 
 overturns chair.) I must get out of this, or I shall 
 never keep up the firmness. Aloud: Really, I^ily, you 
 are insufferable ; you do nothing but nag. You make 
 me think of the old song the niggers used to sing at 
 Ramsgate when I was a kid. (Seizes his cap.) 
 
14 
 
 Dramatically : 
 
 " Nag, nag, from morning till night, 
 
 Whatever I do, I never do right, 
 
 Married life, I'm sick of it quite, 
 
 I wish I were single again." 
 
 That's true enough. {Flings out of room.') 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (as her husband goes out, runs 
 after him calling) : Anthony — Tony, darling I ! 
 
 No answer. She returns, C, half crying. 
 I wo?ider what has happened I know there's some- 
 thing the matter with him, and I'm sure — (with deter- 
 minaticii) — I'm positive that letter's at the bottom of it. 
 
 Picks up some of the scattered pieces and examines them. 
 No, it's no use. I can't make out the words, or even 
 the handwriting, it's torn up in such tiny fragments ; 
 that's suspicious to begin with. I've never known 
 him destroy a letter so completely. 
 Collects pieces, and drops in waste-paper basket. Sits 
 down, h. 
 
 I wish, oh, I wish I was a detective — a Sherlock 
 Holmsey detective. He would know in a moment 
 who the letter was from, by the kind of notepaper, 
 and what it was about, from the colour of the ink. I 
 wonder if /couldn't deduce something. I'll try. 
 Goes to basket and brings back a handful of fragments, and 
 gazes at them. 
 No, I can't say it seems to help me — still Sherlock. . 
 Enter Mrs. Pi^ush with a tray, R. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : I thought perhaps you'd like me to 
 clear down the tea, ma'am, if you're quite finished. 
 Aside. She looks pretty miserable, and the glimpse I 
 caught of his face was more like a thunder-cloud 
 than anything else. Silly young things ; they've been 
 having a tiff. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : Oh yes, thank you ; quite 
 done. 
 
 Mrs. Plush: And dinner, ma'am, you didn't mention 
 the time. I've got you as nice a chicken as ever 
 pecked barley. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (hesitating) : Oh — oh — seven 
 o'clock please — that is — (hesitates)— -if my husband — 
 
IS 
 
 {breaks off, then conthmei) — perhaps we had better say 
 half-past, as Mr. Hyphen-Brown has gone for a walk. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Very well, mum, I was just wonderin' 
 ma'am, if you've ever been to Canterbury — for I've a 
 sister in service there, nurse in a gentleman's family — 
 an officer — Captain Smith — 'e is — she's nurse to his 
 little girls, and I thought perhaps you might know 
 the name. No ? 
 
 As Mrs. Hyphen-Brown shakes her head. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : You see, I've never been to 
 Canterbury. You are making a mistake ; we live in 
 IyOndon, you know. 
 
 Mrs. Plush: Yes, ma'am, I remember, but I just 
 asked on the chance — for you never know — the world's 
 not so large w'en all's said and done. . . 
 Picks up tray and moves to door, R. 
 
 . . It was seein' the postmark on the letter made 
 me think that perhaps you knew Canterbuiy. 
 Prepares to exit. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown (springing up) \ Of coui-se y why 
 didn't I think of the postmark before ? Why, that's 
 the way — {with unco?iscious iro7iy) — a detective always 
 tells where a letter is from. (Follows Mrs. Plush to 
 door?) Are you sure the postmark was Canterbury ? 
 
 Mrs Plush : Quite certain. Not that I'm in the 
 'abit of lookin' over my visitors' letters, which I hope 
 you'll believe I'm above so nasty and under'and a 
 trick, but it seemed some'ow to catch my eye— bein', 
 I suppose, as I was familiar with it through writing 
 constant to Fanny, to whom I'm almost in place of a 
 mother — and not feelin' over comf'table about 'er 
 livin' so near those barricks, with soldiers always 
 a-passin' dressed up to catch a silly girl's eye. 
 Exit with tray, R. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Now, I wonder who can 
 have written to Tony from Canterbury. We don't 
 know a soul there. I believe that old Colonel Drake 
 was there once, but that is ages ago. Why . . 
 
 Drops down suddenly on chair L-, by table. 
 Why, of course, it's Maggie ! She is staying there for 
 the week-end with the Parkers. Now, why didn't he 
 
16 
 
 tell me? I believe — I believe there's something 
 mysterious about this. 
 
 Gets very excited. 
 I've always been jealous of Maggie — she knew Tony 
 so long before I did — and he is always so fond of her, 
 and I don't care if she is his cousin, she's a very pretty, 
 fascinating girl ; what Tony calls a " girl every chap 
 gets on with." 
 
 Jumps up. 
 
 I only wonder he ever married me when he could 
 have married her ; for, of course, she'd have married 
 him — he's such a dear — perhaps — perhaps he's in love 
 with her, and sorry he married me. Oh ! — {breaks off) 
 — dear me, how wicked I am, and what horrid things 
 I'm thinking of— but — I'm so — so miserable. 
 
 Drops her head oil table, and sobs. 
 Enter Mrs. Plush. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : I thought I'd just step up, ma'am, and 
 — why — bless n\y soul, if she's not crying — and wot's 
 it about, then ? (Goes np L.C., a?id bends over her.) 
 Aside : It's that husband that's been making her cry, 
 I'll be bound. Fiercely : They're all alike. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (sitting up and drying her 
 eyes): Oh, I'm so foolish to cry, for really it's all my 
 own fault, but — but Mr. Hyphen-Brown has never left 
 me like this before. 
 
 Collapses again. 
 
 Mrs. Plush (patting her hand gently) : There, there, 
 my poor lamb. Never you mind his tempers — they're 
 all alike — even the best of them are full of their 
 tantrums, as I tell Plush. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (sitting tip) : Oh, but Tony's 
 never cross. He's got the temper of an angel. 
 
 Mrs. Plush (aside) : H'm — that's just like a woman ; 
 nags at him herself, but won't hear a word against 
 him from anyone else. I must try and give her a 
 hint. Aloud-. Don't you fret; it's his liver, most 
 likely, mum. Now, don't you worry about him — he'll 
 come back all right, a nicer spoken young gentleman 
 as I never see, and just dotes on you. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (eagerly) : You — you think he 
 is fond of me ? 
 
17 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Fond of you— why, that don't take 
 much seeing. Do you think he'd stand all your little 
 pettish ways if he wasn't ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen- Brown: Pettish ways? D'you think 
 — (slowly) — that I am pettish, then ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Well, perraps pettish is a bit stronger 
 than I meant ; but you've a naggy sort of way of 
 answerin', as a rule — now, haven't you ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Naggy? Why, that's what 
 Tony saifl. Oh, dear, no wonder he doesn't love me 
 any more. 
 
 Begins to cry agaiii. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Bless us — don't cry again — there's no 
 'arm done yet — not to speak of-— only — well, if you 
 won't mind my sayin' it — men is queer creatures — 
 there's a right and a wrong way of taking them — and 
 3^ou go the wrong way. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {tearfully) : Oh, do tell me 
 what you mean. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Well, ma'am, it's simple enough. Take 
 them s'rimps as instance. You don't like s'rimps, 
 do you ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : I can't bear them — and — 
 Tony ought to have remembered. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Of course he ought, but that's just the 
 difference between the sextes. You'd have remembered 
 sharp enough. I expect you know 'is likes and 
 dislikes by 'eart. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Of course. I know that he 
 can't bear cold mutton, and that he wortt eat veal. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Well, I never, just like mine ! 
 Comes down, R. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Yours ? 
 
 Mrs. Plush : Plush — 'e can't abide cold mutton ; 
 funny, isn't it? But to come back to our muttons 
 (w'y wot ever's the matter with me — that's another 
 joke — I must tell Plush). Well, ma'am, if I was you, 
 next time you want your way, whether its s'rimps or 
 anythink else, I should just ask 'im sweet and nice 
 for it ; never mind if 'e refuses at first, you'll see, ten to 
 one, 'e'U give m fast enough if you only look pleasant 
 and speak pleasant about it ; and, above all, ma'am — 
 
18 
 
 Turns and holds up finger, solemnly. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (breathlessly) : Yes. 
 
 Mrs. Plush: Don't ?iag ! It's nagging as is the 
 ruin of more 'otnes than 'alf the world knows. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (humbly) : No, I must stop it. 
 
 Mrs. Plush : And a silly old woman you'll think me 
 runnin' on like this; but there, I was always of a 
 romantic turn, and I don't like to see two young 
 things, who will 'ave a matter of forty or fifty odd 
 years p'raps to spend together, beginnin' to go wrong 
 in the first six months, all for the want of a word, so 
 you must forgive me if I've spoke plain. 
 Exit, R. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Yes, she has "spoke plain," 
 as she says, but the truth is never nice to hear about 
 oneself. She's quite right, I have got into a naggy 
 way of answering. If I don't look sharp, I shall 
 become like that awful Mrs. Matthews, with lines all 
 over her face. Oh, perhaps I've got lines like that 
 already. 
 
 Jumps up and goes to looking-glass on chiffonnier R., and 
 stands regarding herself anxiously. 
 
 No, I don't see any yet, but . . . 
 Enter Mr. Hyphen-Brown, L. Mrs. Hyphen-Brown turns, 
 they fly into each other's arms, C. 
 
 . . . Oh, Tony ! I've been such a horror. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (vehemently) : No. It's / who 
 have been a perfect beast to speak to you so roughly ; 
 the air brought me to my senses. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: No, no, you were quite right; 
 it was my fault for being so provoking. Tony, Tony, 
 I'm never going to nag any more. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown (jie?cely) : Who dared say you 
 nagged ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (laughing) : Why, you did. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : By jove, so I did ! 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: And so did Mrs. Plush. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown: What ! Has she been talking 
 to you ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Yes, and she's an old dear. 
 She gave me a lot of good advice. 
 
19 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : The deuce she did. Did she 
 tell you about Mr. Plush's little methods ? 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {bewildered) : Mr. Plush's 
 little methods? No. Has she been talking to you, 
 then ? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : By the bucketful. She seems 
 to take a sort of affectionate interest in us, and — 
 {hesitates) — well, owing to some words she let drop, I 
 behaved like a brute to you before. 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: O — oh — Tony! D'you know 
 I was stupid and wicked enough to think that it must 
 have been something Maggie said to you that upset 
 you so. You ought to have told me — {rcproacJi fully) — 
 that that letter was from Maggie. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {aside) : Now, how by all that's 
 wonderful did she unearth that ? Trust a woman. I'm 
 rather in a hole what to say. / know — I have it. 
 {Turns ;ou?id.) So 1 would, Lily darling, only she 
 confided a secret to me. But I must tell you. ( Whispers 
 in her ear.) 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen -Brown : Engaged ! Oh ! The darling / 
 I must write to her and congratulate her. Tony, 
 Tony ; how I have misjudged you. What can I do to 
 make amends ? 
 
 Puts her bands on his shoulders. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {kissing her) : Sing me one of 
 my favourite songs, that will be your punishment. . 
 IviiA r runs over and opens piano, L,. 
 
 Aside: Well out of it. She must never know that 
 that news only formed the postscript of that letter. 
 Follows her over to piano, L. 
 Enter Mrs. Plush, unperceived. Stops at door, R. 
 LiUY strikes a chord. 
 Mrs. Plush {rapturously) : What a tone ! 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {turning round on music stool): 
 I shall tell Maggie that I hope she'll be as happy as 
 we are. 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown : My darling. 
 Mrs. Plush : What a tone ! It's easy to see they re 
 all smooth again. 
 
 Exit, R. 
 
20 
 
 Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {jumping up) : Oh, Tony, 
 before I sing to you I must go and find that dear old 
 Mrs. Plush. . . 
 
 Crosses down R., turns at exit. 
 . . . You see, it is thanks entirely to her that we're 
 so happy, isn't it ? 
 
 Mr. Hyphen-Brown {following her) : Yes, thanks 
 entirely to Mrs. Plush — {aside : And Maggie !) — this 
 will be the last appearance of — (tu??iing to audience) — 
 
 -A WET BLANKET." 
 
 CURTAIN, 
 
 oswestry i 
 Printed by Roberts & Jones, Castle Street. 
 
 1905- 
 
Only fcept in the large size, the back scene is 13 feet long and 9 feet high and ex- 
 tends with the Wings and Borders to 20 feet long and 11 J feet high. In the centre 
 is a French window, leading down to the ground, which could be made practicable 
 if required. On the left wing is a fireplace with mirror above, and on the right 
 wing is an oil painting. The whole scene is tastefully ornamented and beauti- 
 fully coloured, forming a most elegant picture. The above is a representation oj 
 a box scene consisting of 36 sheets of paper, the extra sheets being used for tb 
 doors each side. £ s. d. 
 
 Back Scene, Border, and 1 Set of Wings, unmounted . . ..200 
 
 Ditto, mounted on canvas 4 4 
 
 Back Scene, Border, with 2 -ets of Wings as above to form Box 
 
 Scene, unmouu'ed 
 
 Ditto, mounted on canvas 
 
 This is also kept in the large size only. In the centre is a door leading outside. 
 On the left centre is a rustic fireplace, and the right centre is a window. On the 
 Wings are painted shelves, &c. to complete the scene. The above is a represen- 
 tation of this scene with 1 set of Wings only (not a Box Scene), but a Box Scene 
 can be made by purchasing the extra set of Wings. Prices and size same as 
 Drawing Room Scene above. 
 
FRENCH'S ACTING £DITI0N-7s. per Vol., mostly 6d. 
 
 21 61 
 2162 
 
 2103 
 2164 
 2165 
 2166 
 2167 
 2168 
 2169 
 2170 
 2171 
 2172 
 2173 
 2174 
 2175 
 
 VOLUME 145. 
 
 A t Cross Purpose-* 
 Tom, Dick and Harry 
 Pair of K nickerboekei s 
 Rift Within tiie Lute 
 Little Miss Muffet 
 Cupid in Ermine 
 Prior Claim 
 Sudden Squall 
 Cissy's Engagement 
 My Son and I 
 Young Mrs. Winthiop 
 Hazel Kirk 
 Shade* of Night 
 Such is Fam* 
 Neither of Them 
 
 2176 
 
 2177 
 2178 
 2 1 79 
 2180 
 2181 
 21S2 
 
 •■>is:; 
 
 2184 
 2185 
 2186 
 
 2187 
 2188 
 
 2189 
 2190 
 
 2191 
 2192 
 2193 
 21^4 
 2195 
 2196 
 
 2197 
 2198 
 2199 
 2200 
 2201 
 2202 
 2 -'03 
 2204 
 2205 
 
 VOLUME 146. 
 
 Gentleman Jim 
 Prude's Progress 
 Nicholete 
 Confusion, Is. 
 Chums 
 
 Six and Kightpence 
 Sympathetic Souls 
 Head of Itomulus 
 The Guvnor, Is. 
 Two Misses Ihnetson 
 Pendrud<;e v. Pret- 
 
 tiwon 
 Money Spinner, Is. 
 Have You Got That 
 
 £10 Note? 
 Miss Flipper's Holiday 
 Too Happy by Half 
 
 VOLUME 147. 
 
 My Sweetheart 
 Queen's Messenger 
 Wedding Breakfast 
 My Soldier Boy 
 Jane, Is. 
 Little Lord Fauntle- 
 
 r«>y. Is. 
 Pity" of it. 
 
 Charitable Bequest 
 Desperate Remedies 
 Mrs. or Miss 
 Aunt Jane's Flat 
 Crystal Gazer 
 Castle in Spain 
 Strange Relation 
 Act of Piracy 
 
 LIBRARY OF 
 
 AN AMERICAN CITIZEN 
 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE 
 
 AFFAIR. 
 BRACE OF PARTRIDGES- 
 BRIXTON BURGLARY. 
 CAPTAIN SWIFT. 
 COUNTRY MOUSE 
 FACING THE MUSIC. 
 IDLER. 
 
 IN CHANCERY. 
 IMPORT A NCE OF BEING 
 
 EARNEST. 
 
 2'06 
 
 2207 
 2208 
 220:) 
 2210 
 2^11 
 •212 
 2213 
 2214 
 2215 
 2-216 
 2217 
 2218 
 2219 
 
 2220 
 
 2221 
 
 2222 
 2223 
 2224 
 2225 
 2226 
 
 2227 
 2228 
 2229 
 2230 
 
 2231 
 2232 
 2233 
 2234 
 2235 
 
 2236 
 2237 
 2288 
 22*9 
 2240 
 2J41 
 
 V242 
 
 22 > 3 
 2244 
 
 2245 
 2246 
 2247 
 
 2248 
 
 Newspaper iNuptwus 
 Anthony's Legacy 
 Baffled Spinster 
 Man of Ideas 
 Bunch of Violets. Is. 
 Two Naughty Old 
 
 Ladies 
 In and Out of a Punt 
 
 VOLUME 149. 
 
 Matrimonial Agency 
 
 As Once in May 
 
 Richard Wye 
 
 Faithful James 
 
 Obstinate Wora^n 
 
 Judged by Appear- 
 ances 
 
 Mixed Addresses 
 
 Who Won i 
 
 Mistaken Identity 
 
 Lady Elizabeth Puole 
 Gubbins 
 
 Solicitor 
 
 Only Amateurs 
 
 Poor Old Perkins 
 
 Bird in the Busli 
 
 Nita, the Dancer 
 
 VOLUME 150. 
 
 The Dentist 
 
 Taken for Granted 
 
 Just as Well 
 
 Hogmany 
 
 Pa>.sy 
 
 A Doctor's Engage- 
 ments 
 
 A Duet 
 
 My Milliner's Bill, Is. 
 
 My Aunt from Cali- 
 fornia 
 
 His Life for Hers 
 
 The Meeting 
 
 The Umbrella 
 Duologue 
 
 The Late Lamf nted 
 
 oi 
 
 151. 
 
 mum* 
 ient 
 
 Tragedy 
 
 2257 Hal, the High wa> man 
 
 2258 Dinner fori wo 
 
 2259 Ninth Walt? 
 9260 Human Sport 
 
 2261 Collaborators 
 
 2262 Mere Man 
 
 2263 Packing Up 
 
 2264 Paying Guest 
 
 2265 'Enery Brown 
 
 VOLUME 152. 
 226-i The Jilt 
 2^:67 •Op-o'-Mo-Thoml 
 
 2268 A M\nhge Has 
 
 Arranged 
 
 2269 Carrots 
 
 2270 Conversion of 
 
 Sturge 
 
 2271 Clerical Error 
 
 2272 Aubrev Closes the Door 
 
 2273 Workhos 
 
 2274 Two on a 'Bus 
 227r> Bridget's Blunders 
 
 2276 That Brute Simmons 
 
 2277 Well Matched 
 : 278 Maker of Men 
 2279 Gutter of Time 
 2i80 Game of Chess 
 
 Beet 
 
 Nat 
 
 VOLUME 153. 
 
 2281 Mr. Steinmauti'8 
 
 Corner 
 
 2282 Ella's Apology 
 
 Is. 6d. Edition- 
 JEDBURY JUNIOR. 
 LADY HUNTWORTH'S 
 EXPERIMENT. 
 
 LADY WINDERMERE'S 
 
 FAN. 
 LIBERTY HALL. 
 MICE AND MEN. 
 MISS HOBBS. 
 MOLLFNTRAVE ON 
 
 WOMEN. 
 NEW BOY. 
 NIOBE. 
 
 OH! SUSANNAH! 
 
 ONE SUMMER'S DAY. 
 
 PARVENU. 
 
 ROCKET. 
 
 SNUG LITTLE KINGDOA 
 
 SQUIRE. 
 
 SUNLIGHT & SHADOW 
 
 WHEN WE WERE 
 TWEN1Y-ONE. 
 
 WILDERNESS 
 WISDOM OF FOLLY. 
 WOODBARROW FARM