pS63 s ■Zf /;2r^3 HoUinger Corp. ORIGINAL TEMPERANCE DRAMA. A Practical^ Serio-Comic and SGnsational Play! -ENTITLED: BICK SHAW, THE FIEID, O K THE Rev. preacher-doctor ! -IN FIVE ACTS.- Aad Several Pathetic, Comic, Soul-Harrowiug and Seusational Tableaux. B Y SIMON M. LAHDIS, M. D., D. D. Author of Numerous Medical, Physiological, Phrenological, Psychological, Theological, Neurological, Hygienic and Dramatic Works; Besides, Sundiy Essays, Periodicals and Promiscuous Publications too Numerous to Mention. All of Which Have Had Large Circulation Among The Thinking Minds. (^.;;)L 37 '88;: PRINTED, BUT NQT PUBLISHED. By The Owner, Mrs. Edna Powell Lajjdis, at No. 312 Woodward Avenue, DETROIT, MICHIGAN, U. S. A. 1888. Our Motive For Producing Theatrical Plays I We claim that the Stage is the only proper and effectual place to bring about a speedy education of the masses of the people; although the person who endeavors to inaugurate this reform must make up his mind to be well nigh annihilated for his audacity in attempt- ing such a movement ! The veiy people who have from time immemorial been slandered by the pharisees for being actors are the worst to decry the innovator as being a crank and lunatic for his foolhardiness. Successful Managers stand aghast and will not tackle an instructive play; they prefer to trot over long established ruts, until some "fool" forces them to open their stultified senses. God pity the slothfulness of such drones ! S. M. L. TSi3i >1 >^^^ 2 Has The "PUBLIC PRESS" ever ESTEEMED Dk. LANDIS as an ACTOR ? Notices by The PRESS, with Dates, See Files of Same. We don't know what to think of it, hut it's on the record that Dr. Landis' tragic imperso- nations attract enthusiastic and large audiences, while those tragedians who are not doctors meet with but poor returns. — N. Y. Clipper, May 12. 1877. Booth nor McCullough can't compare with Dr. Landis. — Pittsburg Gazette, Sept. 1. 1877. To be appreciated he must be seen. — Pittsburg Dispatch, Sept. 1. 1877. The most versatile of living actors. — Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, June 21. 1877. His Richard III. is the wonder of the modern stage. — Pittsburg Chronicle, August 30. 1877. He has given some of the most original acting ever gazed upon. — Pittsburg Gazette, Au. 20.77 Dr. Landis is undoubtedly the veriest original tragedian now on the stage. When he says "Conversation" his voice runs the gamut up and down about twice, and he manages to give a corresponding sinuous motion to his whole body, as if the word started from his feet and traveled through his entire anatomy before it was finally uttered. — Cincin'i Gaz'te. Dec. 11. '77. Garrick, Kemble, Kean, Macready, Forrest, Davenport, B(Wth never, in the zenith of their power, acted as he does, and couldn't had they tried. Dr. Landis' style is peculiarly his own; he is no base copyist, following servilely In the footsteps of greatness. — Cin. Enq. Dec. 10. '77. In fierce, impassioned acting he has certainly no equal. — Taggart's Phila. Times, Ap. 22. '77 Never in the history of the writer has it been his pleasure to observe such a truthful por- trayal of nature. The elder Booth and Forrest are no comparison to Dr. Landis. — Providence Telegram, R. I., November 4. 1877. Dr. Landis' style is his own; he copies no one. If his acting is liked, he deserves credit, if not, he is responsible for it. He possesses a good voice for tragedy. People should give his entertainment a visit and judge for themselves. — Boston Po.st, Oct. 16. 1877. Barry Sullivan's famous original readings are eclipsed and pale into nothingness along side of Dr. Landis' immense strides away from the conventionality, and traditions of the stage. Landis stands alone, unique and wrapped in the mantle of his own originality. — Boston Globe, October 17. 1877. The audience, which has been swayed like leaves in the wind by the doctor's powerful acting, felt inexpressibly relieved, when the tragedian wjis slain. It was simply immense; no words can describe it. — Boston Herald, October 23. 1877. All who have seen Landis as the cruel Gloster, unite in saying that they have never seen his like before and do not expect to see anything at all comparable to it again in this world. — Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch. His conception and execution of Richard III. were entirely original and far beyond the comprehension of groundlings. His support was not ndequate to the requirements of the great work, yet he stood out in bold relief — competent to play the great work alone if neces- sary. — Northern Budget, Troy, N. Y., February 25. 1877. Dr. Landis, without doubt, is the most extraordinary and unparalleled tragedian that ever figured on any boards. — Washington, D. C, Herald, May 27. 1877. Richard III. — Dr. Landis' present engagement has been a perfect ovation, and the largest audiences ever seen in any of our theaters have filled the house this week. — Wash. Critic, May 31 Dr. Landis is the greatest tragedian living; he has no equal. — Washington Capital, June 21. 77. To MANAGERS of ENTERPRISE and SNAP. A few words to Sensible Managers, and others who would like to become rich and learn the secret of progressive work, in the theatrical line. No one will deny, who is familiar with my history, that I have always conquered my enemies and succeeded m making money, where others have failed, desponded and died; moreover, I have never paid a cent, nor toadied to critics, for newspaper notices; but you can see that I make them talk, and in such a manner as to minister to my credit. Ha ! ha ! All ye who are wise in your own conceit, while you usurp to yourselves the august wisdom to laugh at me, I am tiuietly at work to utilize you as kind- ling wood to build up my fires so as to further use you to advance the grand cause of humanity; the fun of it all is, that you think that I am not an actor ! But let the reader decide that question; while I am looking up the fac simile of myself as fearless financial manager. To CAPITALISTS who ore Advocates of TEMPERANCE. OUR PROJECTED PHYSIOLOGICAL TEMPLE! We want to make the acquaintance of Philanthropic and Enterprising Capitalists for the purpose of building our projected "Physiological Temple," which will have 24 departments; be the wonder of the world; pay 25 per cent on investment; save 50 per cent to its patrons; contain many novelties secured by patents, trade-marks and copyrights. The most important departments will be: — The Scientific Church; Reformatory Theater, where our many practical, new {)lays will be brought out, etc. ; Newspaper, Printing and Publshing Departments. Address, S. M. Landis. M. D. 312 Woodward-av., Detroit, Mich. TMP96-0071A3 SYNOPSIS OF PLAY. First- Class THEATRICAL I, hereby, Recommend Dr. S. M. LANDIS, with whom I have been acquainted for ten or twelve years, and who has Played for me to crowded houses, and Lectured in my Grand Opera House, and I Esteem him a most able Author and Versatile and Attractive Actor. His New Temperance Sensation will undoubtedly catch all cla.'sses of people. Detroit, Mich. Apr. 18. 1888. CHAS. O. WHITE, Grand Opera House. ynopsis of Dick Shaw^ Ths Fiend^ or PrgacIier-Doctoi\ ACT L Scene 1. — Palace of Mr. Pert Force, the millionaire. Miss Sallie Force, tempts, her be- trothed, Mr. Sam Pool, with the tirst taste of grape wine, which instanter runs him to ruin ! She makes her .soul-stirring appeal to heaven ! Sharp rebuke by Madam Willard, President of the AYoman's Christi^iu Temperance Union. Dick Shavv^'s cause in the ascendency. Tablea'.i. Scene 2. — Wm. Cuttle, the "Innocent Philosopher," harangueing the Fiend's Bums. Threats of hanging Cuttle. Sam Pool now the confederate of Dick Shaw, and iow drunkard Scene 3. — Grand Reception and Feast of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union at Mr. Force's palace. Wm. Cuttle, the spokesman, makes his lady-love. Mad. Willard, tlery mad, by his "innocent philosophy" and slips of his Yankee tongue. Rev. Preacher-Doctor refusing to say grace at the table over di.shes that create the appetite for rum, causes a sensation within; and without a howling Dick Shaw mob is clamoring for admission ! Wm. Cuttle also gets t»>o much liquor on board, and he, Sam Pool and Pert Force, literally walk on the "W. C.T. U's. feasting table. Tableau. ACT II. Scene 1. — Rev. Preacher-Doctor, by his eloquent reformatory logic, comfoits and wins the love of Miss Sallie Force. Mr. Pert Force, in a moment of passion, while intoxicated, strikes his only child. Miss Sallie, who foibids him to leave home to join Dick Shaw's bums. Ter- rific scene between father ;ind daughter. Enter, Rev. Preacher-Doctor, who cures Miss Sallie Force's bruises, both of body and .sou! I AYm. Cuttle intrudes his "innocent philosophy." Rev. P. -D., defining Philosophy and Love to Miss Sallie. Diver, announces, Dick Shav^', Sam Pool and Bums. Sudden withdrav.'al of the lovers. Scene 2. — Bar Room. Diver and Dutch Kancy in Specialties, and appearance of the Rev. Preacher-Doctor and Miss Sallie, in search of Mr. Force. Exit Miss Sallie, when Rev. P.-l). is transformed, before the audience, into Dick Shaw. Fire, fury, death and confusion. Tab. Scene 3. — Chamber of the Fiend's Gang. Dick Shaw and Sam Pool on tlie track of Mi.ss S. Terrific threats, and conspiracy to possess Miss S. Force's love or dive in blood to his neck. Scene 4. — Sam Pool in disguise on his way to Miss Force's home on behalf of Dick Shaw. Scene 5. — Sam Pool's entrance into Miss F's parlors; makes love to Dutch Nancy, who screams and brings Dick to the rescue. Dick wants her himself . Change to Rev. P.-D. Tab. ACT III. Scene 1. — The two millionaire drunkards, (Force and Pool,) conspire against the W. C. T. U. Miss F. banishes them from the house. Rev. P. -D. rescues Miss F. from the riotous Bums. Tab. Scene 2. — Mad. Willard, tongue-lashes Cuttle, her lover, for rum debauches. He retorts by asserting that the W. C. T. U. are to blame by their rum-bottic-thirst-crealing spices and damn salt herring food; claiming that they are just as great slaves to their condiments, daintii's and rum-thirst-creating seasonings, as he is to rum. Cuttle plans Dick Shaw's death. Tab. ACT IV. Scene 1. — Dick Shaw torturing Miss Sallie Force in her own home. Terrific struggle 1 Sam Pool rescues her and promises to save herself and father from death by Dick. Tjiblcau. Scene 2. — Diver and Dutch Nancy in specialties, closing with fight by Shaw's Bums. Tab. Scene 3. — Dick Shaw and Sam Pool after Mr. Force; murder him and funeral procession. Scene 4. — Miss Force and Sam Pool planning to kill Dick. Shaw's terrific curse of Cuttle. Pool's treachery; while Sallie stabs Shaw to death. Soul-harrowing death struggle! Tableau. ACT V. Scene 1. — Miss Force's Parlor. Grand Singing. The New Order of Things ! Sam Pool fully refonned, but lost his former betrothed by his profligacy. The Lovers. Happy Ending Grand Tableau ! THE END. 4 CAST OF CHARACTERS. Dick Shaw, The Fiend, or The Rev. Preacher-Doctor. A Fieiy, Serio-Comic and Bloodiest Tragedy, in Five Acts and Several Pathetic, Comic and Sensational Tableaux. Moreover, this play is original and highly instructive. It has been written, enlarged and arranged by SIMON M. LANDIS, M. D., D. D., with the original Dick Shaw preserved, whose counterpart by the dignified Preacher-Doctor will make a picture of gigantic proportions, which even the most incompetent critic can discern. The Costumes are Modern. The Stage-Settings are found in every First-Class Theater, and it will most Positively Not be produced in any other. C^^ Legitimate communications should be addressed to. Dr. S. M. Landis, 312 Woodward Avenue, Detroit, Michigan. CAST (and Qualifications) OF CHARACTERS. DICK SHAW, The Fiend, ) Marvelous change before the audi- j DR. S. M. LANDIS. Rev. PREACHER-DOCTOR, ( ence, without removing a garment. ( Also the Author. SAM POOL, . . — First-Class, Leading Comedian. — A gentleman, drunkard, loafer, confederate of Dick Shaw and a truly reformed man. WILLIAM CUTTLE, . —Eccentric Comedian.— An eccentric Yankee and "innocent phlosopher," in love with Mad. Willard. PERT FORCE, . . —Dignified Comedian.— Indulgent father of Miss Sallie Force, millionaire, drunkard and chum of Sam Pool. HARRY DIVER, . —Specialist and Comic Singer.— Servant to Mr. and Miss Force, bar-tender, etc., and in love with Dutch Nancy. LEADER of GxVNG, . —Heavy Villain and Specialist.— Miss SALLIE FORCE, —Star, Versatile Tragedienne- Persecuted by Dick Shaw, in love with Rev. Preacher-Doctor. Mad. WILLARD, . — Strong-Minded Woman.— President of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, in love with Wm. Cuttle. DUTCH NANCY, — Specialist, German Comedienne and Vocalist. — Miss Sallie Force's servant, in love with Harry Diver. Mii3S ORTHODOX, ..... Secretary and Director of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, in love with L. of G. Supernumeraries. — In citizens dress; not less than six ladies and twelve men — Bums. The 10 speaking characters must have good voices and be fair singers. "eesolutiohs of thanks ! At a meeting, Monday Eveiiing, May 7. 1888, the "Order of Naturalists" passed the following Resolutions: We hereby unanimously thank Dr. Landis for having read, in fine dramatic style, his new TEMPERANCE PLAY, and we deem it the grandest lesson and most interesting production that has ever been presented to an intelligent public. The audience, although uncomfortably crowded, was of that class of people who could ap- preciate the drama, Avhich is above the conception of groundlings, and the ladies and gentlemen present expressed themselves as being highly entertained and instructed. Therefore: Resolved, that we solicit Dr. Landis to repeat the same next Sunday evening. May 13. Resolved, that the Temperance People would act wisely by putting three or four compa- nies on the road next season, as the theater should and would be, by producing such plays, the most effectual instructor. Resolved, that we are convinced that Theatrical Managers could make more money by producing this Temperance Tragedy than by any thing else. Resolved, that we know Dr. S. M. Landis to be equal to any Author or Actor now living notwithstanding the false statements of the newspapers. Resolved, that we solicit the people to look into this important matter for themselves, and not be misled by the press; because, too many persons are kept in bondage to ignorance by believing what incompetent and unprincipled editors and reporters print. Resoived, that we honor Dr. Landis for his indomitable energy, youthful buoyancy, plain healthful habits of life, scientific profundity and powerful work in the grandest Reform on earth. Resolved, that it is too late in the day of scientific progress to misrepresent and persecute our most able and useful reformers ! Miss MATTIE VanRENSSELAER, Secretary. THOS. STODD, President. [Copyrighted, in the U. S. A., 1888, by Db. S. M. LANDIS. All Rights Reserved.] DICK SHAW, or, The PRBACHER-DPCTOR! ACT SCENE 1.— Mr. Pert Force's Parlors, in 3i or 4, Miss Sallie Force, Sam Pool, Diver, | Nancy, Mad. Willard and Wm. Cuttle. i Nancy. — (Arranges parlor.) I wash bin in dis i country sex mons, und I can spok de English | goode. Miss Sallie wash one swete laty, bud I dat Misder Bool, her loffer, I does nod likes ; me much! He wash too brout und nice. Such I peobles don'd do much goode wery long. ; (Bell rings.) Dere goes dem pell once agane, \ und I vill bet me, id wash dat Mr. Sam Bool. I (Drinks all the wine.) Dis wash goode. I \ill \ bring de broud millonaire into dis barlor. Ha ! ha! got in himmel ! I vill make mine beaus go | to de door. (Rings for Diver and sits at table.) I [Enter Diver.] 1 Diver. — At your service madam. N. — Ha ! ha! Dat wash fine D. — Oh ! You sAveet rascal, what are you doing in the mistress' chair? N. — (Mad.) None of your pisiness. D. — 0, ho! what a long tail our cat has got. N. — You wash one naughty poy; I vants you to answer de door pell. (Rings again.) D. — Give me a kiss and I will N. — (Slaps his face.) Dhere D. — Yes here; but I'll go. N. — Dis is nice, do half mine masher avait- in' on mineself. [Enter Sam Pool and Diver.] Dake Mr. Bool's hat und dells Miss Force dat dis chendlemaus wash here. Sam Pool.— Young woman, you are right good at commanding, wouldn't you better wait on your mistress yourself? N. — (Aside.) Wouldn'd I bedter vait on mine misdress mineself? Dis fellor vill yed dieonetrunkard. (To him.) Yaw, I vill. (Exit [Enter Sallie Force.] Sallie F. — Good morning, ray dear Samuel. S. P. — Very good morning. I am charmed with your ruddy looks and exquisite manners. How is your excellent father, and how do things move around you? S. F. — Fine Sir. But I have been very busy this week making grape wine S. P. — Do you make it yourself? A million- aire's daughter S. F. — (Laughing.) Ha! ha, with a handsome millionaire lover, would not need to make grape wine herself ! Ha! ha, isn't that what you were going to say ? But I'll show you what a useful housekeeper I am S. P. — In knowing how to make grape wine. Ha! ha! I. S. F. — Ha! ha! Yes, indeed! Father is very fond of it; and I'll send for some and you can see how fine it is (Rings for Nancy.) S. P. — I am no judge. S. F. — I'll make you one. (Lovingly.) [Enter Nancy.] N. — Ad your serwis madam. S. F.— Tell Diver to fill this bottle with my new grape wine, and bring it to us. Now my dear Samuel, you must be good enough to praise my work and appreciate my good taste. 8. P. — Certainly, sweet one, I do; and will 1 try and merit your great worth ! [Enter Diver with wine.] D. — Here is the finest product of the grape. S. P. — It does look fine S. F. — Ha! ha! (Pours out and drinks,) and it tastes equally fine! Here my dear Samuel, taste it S. P. — (Hesitates.) If you will excuse me, darling pet, (Sighs,) I'd rather not touch it; because, I have promised my beloved mother on her dying bed, never to touch or taste liquor of any kind, as my father died a drunk- ard ! (Acts desponding.) S. F. — (Pets him.) Yes, dear, you had a good mother, so had I, but they are in heaven ! S. P. — (Arouses.) But come precious one, we will not brood over what is the will of a high- er power ! S. F. — (Recovers.) You are right; but wont you, to please me, simply taste what I have made? As I was working on it, I continually thought of you; thinking how we would enjoy ourselves together while enlivening the droop- ing spirits by this elixir of life ! ^"ou know our Saviour turned water into wine, and the churches use it at their communion table, why then should you refuse to imitate those who save our souls? S. P.— Sure enough; here goes my first taste. (Smacks his lips.) It is fine! Give iue another. S. F.— Ha! ha! I thought so! (Fills again.) S. P. — Grand, and I feel like a new man ! Ha! ha! give me an-another S. F. — No sir, that's enough for a beginning. S. P. — Do y-you think so? S. F.— Yes, there's where many people make their mistakes, not knowing when and where to stop ! S. P. — Just s-so-o, hie, but my love for you is inc-creasin-g damn ra-rapidly. (Acts lively.) S. F.— Mr. Pool, I am astonished at you S. P.— Are you-u? Hie, ha, ha! (Hugs her.) S. F. — This is really nice ! But your slang i expressions I dislike very much ACT I. S. P. — Wine and love, hie, are very es-ex- \ hilarating! (Pours out more wine.) S. F^Takes tumbler from him.) No more, j my dear j S. P.— (Swallows from bottle.) Fi-ine, hie, i damn fin-e-e ! (Exits drunk !) i S. F. — Great Father, I have made a mistake! i (Looks after him and turns pale!) Powers of : heaven, I have made a drunkard of my be- i loved ! my betrothed ! O, Oh! God, my soul I is on fire ! Am I really awake and has this I happened or is it a phantom of hades? Powers j of heaven, have I planted debauchery in the I soul of my own darling, betrothed husband?; (Raves!) Avaunt! thou demon of degradation! ! (Screams !) I see the gates of hell open before : my senses! Am I also intoxicated? or is this \ the torture of a guilty conscience for ha\ing i tempted, even by using Christian arguments, i my beloved, good, pure, noble darling to take \ his first drink of this infernal stuff ! What ; can I do to redeem him? What shall I do to j be forgiven for this crime? O, Oh! heaven ! i The noble j'oung soul (Weeps hysterically) has ; sacredly kept his dying mother's advice, un- \ til I proved the serpent to ravish him of his i purity, virtue and manhood! God, O, God! i (Kneels!) on my bended knees I plead for par- ; don and power to redeem him ! And O Father ; in heaven, if I may be forgiven, I solemnly ; promise by the sacred memory of my beloved ■ mother, that I will never more handle intoxi- : eating liquors ! And I will devote my life,; money and strength to the Temperance Cause, j and will deprive and deny myself of all luxu- ; ries, pleasures and gaieties on behalf of fallen and debauched humanity ! This do I solemnly swear in the presence of Thy Spirit, and if Thou wilt grant my humble supplication, I shall devoutly prove to be Thy faithful servant until death ! In humility, most peni- tently do I submit myself to Thy care, O Father of mercies! So be it! (Rises.) [Enter Wm. Cuttle and Mad. Willard !] Wm. Cuttle. — Miss Sallie, allow me to pre- sent. Madam Willard. S. F. — Be seated, dear madam. Glad to see you, Mr. Cuttle! (Livens up!) You have just come at the right time, for I feel sad this morning ! Mad. Willard. — I really think you have cause by sipping at this bottle Wm. Cuttle. — My dear, don't blame Miss Sallie for doing what has been a custom, in good society, from time immemorial M. W. — Then it is necessaiy to change such customs! Miss Sallie is a member of the Young Woman's Christian Temperance Union, who are opposed to rum and tobacco, while our older Woman's Christian Temperance Union, is only opposed to drinking, manufacturing and 'selling intoxicating fluicts S. F. — Truly, we don't know who to please, in this perverse generation! But I am very sorry that I have offended you ! (Weeps !) I am alone in this world, except dear father, and it is to please him that I have made this plain grape wine W. C. — Never mind, we are not offended; we think too much of you to be hurt ! Isn't that so my love? (To madam W.) M. W. — Well, yes, but I am a deadly foe to wine in any form or at any place ! S. F.— (Indignant !) What about Christ turning water into wine? and you saints us- ing it at your holy communion? W. C. — Ah! My dear, she is paying you off with your own customs M. W.— Silence, Mr. Cuttle! [Enter Pert Force and S. Pool, drunk.] Pert Force. — Hurrah ! Hurrah ! for Dick Shaw! (Sloppers over Sam Pool, they fall and rise, &c.) S. p. — Hu-hur-rah-rah for, hie, Sal-Sal-lie's gra-gra-pe-pe wine, hur-rah-ra! (Fall on tabic.) Tableau. SCENE 2.— Street Scene, in 1, Dick Shaw's Gang, the rear brought up by Pert Force, S. Pool and Wm. Cuttle; drunken and noisy ! Pert Force. — Say, you Bums, hie, why are you making such a noise; can't j-ou be decent? You are all drunk, hie! S. P. — Damned if they aren't, hie. (Fight.) W. C. — (Interferes.) Gentlemen, hear me ! S. P. — Ye-yes, hear him, for he is, hie, the drunkenest, bloomenest bum of this crowd of gen -gentlemen! W. C. — Yes, hearm-me! I-I am an inncxient philosopher and temprance advocate Bums. — (Boisterous.) Ha! ha! he is a tem- prance Leader of Gang. — Boys let's hang him. I P. F. — N-no, hie, let's hear the criminal be- ; before we hang-g him ! ; Bums. — Let him speak quick ! I W. C. — Are you friends or fiends to human- : L. ofG. — We are the followers of Dick ; Shaw! Three cheers and a lion for Dick Shaw! i Bums. — Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick I Shaw! Humph! (Groan of contempt.) I W. C. — I am not a temperance man; that is, I I don't belong to any society, but I have some I idea of doing so soon ; L. ofG. — Because you are spoony on old I Madam Willard, who is an old hypocrite! ; That woman will uphold any person or cause I that has the money! Ha! Ha! I Bums. — Ha! ha! ha! i W. C. — You are a low set of beasts and my innocent philosophy reminds me of my duty. I L. of G. — And what is that duty? 1 S. P. — Say, you chums, let's go and get a I drink ! I P. F. — Y-yes, let's get several drinks, I j have plenty of money! I Bums. — (Dance, then exit yelling.) Hurrah! i Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick Shaw! ACT I. and II. SCENE 3.— Pert Force's Parlors, Grand Reception of the Woman's Christian Temper- ance Union. Madam Willard, presiding at the feast. Rev. Preacher-Doctor and eUte and i elect present; all discovered ! j I Wm. Cuttle. — Beloved Friends: As I have i been chosen to show my innocent philosophy 1 to you this evening, on behalf of the old Wo- ; man's Christian Temperance Union; (Looks at | Mad. Willard,) no I don't mean old women — i Mad. W. — No, I guess not ! W. C— I mean the oldest W. C. T. Union; i I say this not disrespectfully by a damn, a-a i durn side; but to distinguish it from the Young '< W. C. T. U. The latter spread a little further i than the old institution j P. F.— (Half drunk.) Explain yourself, Mr. i Philos-losopher; I mean, Mr. Cuttle ! ; W. C. — The young Gals are opposed to rum i and smoking and siaitting tobacco. ■ Mad. W. — Please, friend Cuttle, don't be so ; vulgar! Preacher-Doctor. — Pardon me, but Mr. Cut- \ tie evidently believes in using plain, unmis- takeable language, and I hope he will be allowed to linish without further interruption! Guests. — Hear, hear! W, C. — In conclusion, allow me to assert, philosophically, that the old Gals are only opposed to rum drinking, but believe in good feeding, and I endorse their good sense, and a tine segar, after providing the inner man with the dainties of the season, tastes luxurious! S. F. — Science, good sense, normal taste, refined feelings and cleanliness are against filthy, acrid, poisonous tobacco in any form. P. F. — (Aside.) This is getting too damned hot and I think I will withdraw for a spell. Mad. W. — Ladies and Gentlemen, our re- past is now ready, will you be seated. The Rev. Preacher-Doctor will take this place. (Points to her left side.) Diver and Nancy — (wait on table.) S. F. — (Seated opposite to P.-D.) Where is father? W. C. — (Jealous.) He has gone out a few minutes since, I will go and call him. (Exit.) Mad. W.— Will the Rev. Brother, please, ask a blessing ! Rev. P.-D. — (Rising.) Friends, conscienti- ously, I cannot ask God to bless what He has condemned under the physiological law ! I behold before me many unhealtlif ul and chem- ical-thirst-creating dishes, spices, condiments and rich eatables; all of which produce an insatiate appetite for rum and tobacco ! While I respect the noble sisters of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, I nevertheless, as a scientist of body and soul, cannot overlook the cause of this rum evil ! Yes, my dear, ladies, you are the ones who feed us poor Adams upon medicated food, which causes an internal itching, and nothing but liquors can allay such sensations! Like old mother Eve, in Eden, you entwine yourselves around us with your artificial eatables, and we become the victims of a craving for rum t hat only a I few can resist! Then you run to the Legisla- tures and induce those equally ignorant sinners of the cause of this evil, to make Prohibition and High License Laws, to prevent drunken- ness ! I would be ashamed of myself, in this Telephone age, to create the appetite for an evil, then appeal to co-sinners for the enforce- ment of absurd, unconstitutional and tyranni- cal laws, which have no place in God's grand vocabulary of nature ! My dear sisters, it is youi-selves who need reform in your kitchens and dining-rooms, when your children, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands and fathers wont relish the intoxicating stuff, hence, the cure for drunkenness would be a dead certainty ! Join us then in our radical health reform of body and soul, and become Naturalists ! (Great noise without; yelling for Dick Shaw.) Bums. — Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick Shaw' [Enter W. C. with P. F. and S. P., drunk; Cuttle having only a little.] S. P. &P. F.— (Yell.)Hu-hurrah! rah! for Di-ick Sha-aw, hie! Guests. — (All jump up horrified.) S. F.— (Runs to P.-D.) Oh! protect us! Rev. P.-D. — Gentlemen, especially j'ou Mr. Cuttle, please behave as becometh holiness! S. P. — Ho-ho-holey hell! Hie, hie; you-u-u damn tem-temprance pe-pe-people pre-preach one thing a-and pra-practice a-another! W. C. — That's so! You wont let a man drink, smoke nor chew his cud. Mad. W. — Mr. Cuttle you are again found in bad company! Aren't you ashamed of 3'ourself to break your word so soon? P. F. — Mad. Willard wha-at do you mean? Jealous and dis-sappointed old ma-aids a-are always imag-gining themselves pu-purer than others. Yes, hie. Cut-cuttle, buck u-up to tlie old h-hen, then you are in g-good company! Mad. W. — Mr. Force if you were sober you would not insult me in that manner! P. F. — (Mad and sarcastic to boys.) S-s-say, boys, w-what is your opinion of Cuttle's o-old hen? Ha! ha! hie, wonts-she, ha, ha, hen-peck poor Wil-willie when she gets him under, hie, her rusty fea-feathers! ha!"ha! S. P.— Ha! ha! you bet, hie! P.-D. — Gentlemen, please either keep quiet and be seated or withdraw S. P. — This rival lover of mine, hie, wants the coast cleared for himself, hie, ha! ha! he is a free-lover and re-reformer! Ha! ha! hie. P. F. &W. C— Ha! ha! ha! Fine, damn fine! S. F. — Father, please remember that these ladies are our guests? P. F.— Damn the la-la-(Turus to boys) lad- laddies for making such a noise. Damn y-you philosopher, wont you be quiet? W. C. — I am not saying or doing anything. P. F. — You daren't when your'e hen-pecker is about, hie, ha! ha! (Points to Mad.W.) S. P. — Let's do something P. F. — Yes, let's wa-walk on this tempe-e- rancefe-f east ! S. P. — Come o-on. (They literally walk on table, tilt it over, fall.) Taj)lcau. ACT II. ACT II. SCENE 1. — Pert Force's Library, in 2, Miss Sallie Force, Pert Force, Rev. Preacher-Doc- tor, Wm. Cuttle and Diver. ]\Iiss & Mr. Force discovered. i o P. F. — (Gloomy and sober.) Yes, my pet, it i is sad to see Sam Pool running to ruin with i Dick Shaw, and his money is all gone, while i he is a physical wreck. i S. F. — (Weeping.) I fear that I have been the ; cause of his ruin! j P. F.— How so? i S. F. — Because I have urged him to take his ; tirst drink of grape wine which I have made : for you I P. F. — (Uneasy.) Yes, yes, but let us not | talk about that any more. I have some very \ pressing business engagement at nine o'clock, i and it is now near that hour, and I must go; ; give me my hat and coat. S. F. — Oh! dear, dear father please don't go ; out to-night and leave me alone. (Holds on to i him and pleads.) Why, will you leave me? ; Don't you love me? Am I not worthj' of your 1 love and company? 1 P. F. — (Nervous, indignant, impatient.) 1 Yes, yes, of course, of course, but j"0u women ; don't know anything of the workings of the 1 inner business-man! (Dashes her off.) I must ; go, so obey me and let me go; you have Nancy and Diver in the house? S. F. — (Indignant, tragic and violent, runs before him to the door.) You shall not go. You only want get out to join Sam Pool, Dick Shaw and the rough drunkards, and spend your money in the saloons, then come home intoxicated and abuse me. P. F. — How dare you talk to your indul- gent father in that manner? (Angry.) Haven't I always given you liberty to do as you please, and now you want to deprive me of mine? (Tears her away from the door.) Come, I am going 8. F. — (Holds on to him, while he drags her around the room in terrible force !) No, by the powers of heaven and hell you shall not con- quer me, unless it is over my dead body ! P. F. — Do you little chit think that you can conquer jie? (Drags and throws her.) I will go or die. S. F. — (Screams.) Father, father, father ! Mother, mother, mother look down from heaven and aid your heart-broken child ! P. F. — No, she will not help you, but I will (Dashes her on floor.) Thank God, free again! [Enter Rev. Preacher-Doctor.] Rev. P.-D. — Great father, what has hap- pened? But I can surmise; rum and the con- sequent ruin are evidently the cause! Miss Force, arouse! Aren't she beautiful; purity, innocence and divine womanhood sit on her brow! (Raises hgr.) Awake to glory, my dearly beloved child of nature? (Embraces her) S. F. — (Opens her eyes.) Oh! Hori'or, horror! Rev. P.-D. — No, no, think of more serene things ! S, F. — Doctor, is it you? Rev. P.-D. — Yes, and I have arrived just in time to rescue and save you S. F.— O, doit, doit! Rev. P.-D. — I will, without the shadow of a doubt ! S. F.— Thanks! Millions of thanks! I feel better now Rev. P.-D. — Trust in heaven and my hum- ble self, and I vrill see to you and stand by you like a father in the future. So cheer up and forget the past ! S. F. — I need a father like you, because my (Weeps) I can't speak. Rev. P.-D. — Don't, I can understand the ; entire surroundings. I saw your father, Sam ! Pool and Dick Shaw together as I entered I your house. i S. F.— O, heaven! ; Rev. P.-D. — Be wise, my child, and take j my advice \ S. F.— I will, I will ! i Rev. P.-D. — In the first place, your duty to \ yourself must take precedence to all other's i weal, who are beyond the control of man ! ; Still, I will do all I can to redeem your father, I Sam Pool, Wm. Cuttle and others; but that ; Fiend, Dick Shaw, no man can tackle! He is \ bej'ond the reach or control of lavr, except the i law of death ! ; [Enter Wm. Cuttle.] I W. C. — Good evening fi'iends! Pardon me i for calling at this inopportune hour! (Aside.) I Yes, my innocent philosophy teaches me, that ; this is more than fatherly or brotherly love ! j I have been thare myself. The old doctor I seems to enjoy it ! (Winks.) i Rev. P.-D.— Certainly, Mr. Cuttle, but what : is the news? I W. C. — O, nothing, particular, only I have i had a rumpus with that fine woman. Madam 1 Willard, who gave me particular thunder for i imbibing pure grape wine, once in a while; I but when the Woman's Christian Temperance I Union's Feasts are loaded with too much damn I salted herring and spices, I get such a longing I for the bottle, that I can't control myself, j which is a great weakness in an innocent 1 philosopher, like myself ! S. F.— (Smiles.) I pray you, Mr. Cuttle, to think twice before you drink once! W. C— (Aside.) Gads! Mr. Cuttle. This old Rev. Preacher-Doctor, evidently is instiling into Miss Force, balm of Gilead medically and theologically ! I wish, I too were a Prea- cher-Doctor, wouldn't I buck-up to the beau- tiful millionairess? Yum, yum ! Rev. P.-D. — Good advice, JMiss Sallie, and I hope friend Cuttle will profit by it ! ACT 11. W. C— Gosh ! I'll tr^ darned hard and whatever may happen, Miss Sallie, you may always count on me, as a loyal friend to you. S. F.— O, thank you, Mr. Cuttle W. C. — Why, do you mister me, can't you call me friend William, if nothing nearer? Rev. P.-D.— Ha! ha! Yes, call him Friend Cuttle. W. C. — O, damn the Cuttle; beg pardon, I have a defect in my speaking trumpet, which makes me stumble sometimes over words | Rev. P.-D. — But, why do you always stum- j ble backward instead of forward? I W. C. — I don't understand you, unless you | mean that I stumble over you, thereby slide i backward in my advances! (Aside to Rev.P.) | Say, old boy, how are you stumbling with ' Miss Sallie? Forward too damn fast? i Rev. P.-D. — What do you mean? 1 W. C. — O, you sly rogue; you know well ! enough! (Points to S. F.) I Rev. P.-D. — I don't comprehend your i levity. ; W. C. — My innocent philosophy Impresses me that you are well gone S. F. — Gentlemen, you seem to have some secret affairs; if so, I will withdraw W. C. — No, no, not particularly, and as long as two are company and three are a crowd; I will take my departure! Hal ha! doctor, doctor be moving forward! (Exits.) Rev. P.-D. — Mr. Cuttle is an enigma. S. F. — He is a very sincerely well meaning gentleman with many weak traits in his phil- osophic character! ha! ha! Rev. P.-D. — Truly, he claims to be quite a philosopher; and by the way, true philosophy is a very grand thing! S. F. — What really is true philosophy? Rev. P.-D. — Well, my precious child, I distinguish popular or so-called philosophy from the true article, thus: — The former, or popular, philosophy is speculation over effect and cause; while True philosophy is calcula- tion over cause and effect! Can you see the difference? S. F. — Most assuredly I can; how grand the calculations of the human mind must be to those who can cipher them out. In our Tem- perance Cause, I fear, we have too much "popular philosophy," like Mr. Cuttle's ! This brings to my memory, the disgusting riot which we have recently had to witness at our house, at the W. C. T. U. festival! (Sad.) Rev. P.-D. — Please, be as good as your promise S. F.— What is it? Rev. P.-D. — Not worry over the past; but calculate of causes that will improve the race in the future! j S. F.— Cheerfully, I obey! May I ask what love is? Rev. P.-D.— True Love is the language of I the highest moral faculty, namely: — Love your I God with all your mind and soul! and your i neighbor as yourself I This platouic love is I unalloyed by passion; it is the quintessence of ; spiritual bliss; the acme of joy; the talismanic j force that draws unto it the inspiring essence I of heavenly zeal, and the angelic antl seraphic I fire that over-looks all faults in others, and I intuitively shouts, glory to God in the highest, j on earth peace, good will to man ! This love is I of God; for God is love, and he that abideth ; in God, dwelleth in love, and that continually! i S. F. — How superbly grand! But how does this love differ from the love people have for marriage? Rev. P.-D. — Precious child! As this true love is the language of the soul; so is passion ; the language of an animal propensity; which I when commingled with true love, makes what I we should call: Social Love; this is the har- i monious blending of Love and Passion! And when we fully appreciate and understand the faculties and propensities of the temple of God, we become fitted for the holy office of marriage. S. F. — But, my dear doctor, how few are versed in these grand sciences of mind and matter? Rev. P.-D. — Alas! Blessed one, that is so; but we should the more appreciate and value those who are so gifted, for with them treasure is laid up in heaven ! [Bell Rings, Enter Diver.] Diver. — Sam Pool, Wm. Cuttle and Dick Shaw wish to see you. Miss Sallie. S. F. — Tell them that I am engaged and can't see them. Let's withdraw from this apartment ! (Exit.) SCENE 2.— Bar Room, in 3 or 4, Diver, bartender; Nancy in Specialties. Rev. P.-D. and S. F. in search of P. F., then Dick Shavp arising through transformation before the audience. W. C, S. P. and company. Diver and Nancy in Specialties. [Enter Rev. P.-D. and S. F.] . Rev. P.-D. — Miss Force wishes to learn, her father, Mr. Force is in your house! Diver. — No Sir, he is not. Rev. P.-D.— Thanks! We had better leave here S. F.— I think so too. Rev. P.-D. transforms.) [Enter P. F., W. C, S. P. and Bums.] Dick Shaw. — Chums our new neighbors! I _ skittish folks, which they seem to be! (Drink ^ Come boys, drink. Pert Force. — Why do you want to terrify people? D. S.— For that, old fool. (Stabs him.) Company. — Ha! ha! ha! if (S. F. Exits, and chums let's horrify delight in torturing 10 ACT II. Wm Cuttle (Goes to Pert Force.) Old I hearted scoundrel, she wouldn't have escaped fellow ha' ha' ha! you put your foot into it. \ me at our last meeting; when I snatched her T-w ci ^r J A, 4. 4.!™ t,„ „„.^^„ i away from her bloody father! ha! ha! I Wish I D. S.-l es, ^d the next time he qu zzes | ^ad killed the old devfl, then my chances would meonmattersthatdontconcernhm,Il pu 1^^ better. I'll tell you what you must do! this dagger mto his vitals to the hilt. Ha! ha! | ^^^^^^ ^^^ ^^^^^^ ^j^^ ^^ >^ ^^^, Sam Pool.-Dick S-h-aw, hic, is the bravest j g p _q j^^^.^ j ^^.^^ j ^^, man on board! hic. ■ _ „ r^, . , , „ /o,, , , . . .,., x n /ou ♦ \ rr„^„^«i, I T,„™oi,i: D. S. — Think you do? (Shakes him terribly) Company .-(Shout.) Hurrrah ! hurrah ! | p^^,^ j^^^^^. ^^^^^^ hurrah! for Dick Shaw! s a -r. ri » • i t i •» i * u TA o / A • J \ o ™ ^1^ i,„„ ^„ r„„o* ^'^ ! S. P. — Certainly; I know it only too well — D. S.— (Aside.) Sam, old boy, we must nd : rp. , „ a o r-xr u ^ • % ourselves of old Force; I wish I had killed the j D- S.— The hell you do? (More shaking.) old varmint, for I must possess his daughter ! I S. P. — Well, well, my dear friend, I am all g p Dick you are a brick. j attention, and your most obedient servant; T>, o rriu '-i- • 1^ « Jrui. t\.^t -„i i therefore, tell me what to do, and ni do it. D. S. — The girl is m love with that fool i _^ „ ' . .,i xt Cuttle! '■ D. S. — Of course you will! Now listen; you -or ^ Tir, .■,.•, „ ^* Tir™ /^„„.q i go down to old Force's residence in disguise, W. C.-^ hat did you say of Wm. Cuttle? ; f^^ j^^^^ j^^^ j ^^^ .^^^ j^.^ ^^^^^ .| ^^^ 1 am a man of few words, but I ^^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^jj^ ^^^^^_ D. S.— You're a damn fool ! j gred from the little stab I gave him with my W. C. — This to me, to me, who has always I tooth-pick! Ha! ha! When I pick his teeth borne the name of gentleman and philosopher? ; again with you, (Means dagger,) I'll reach his D. S.— Oh! damn your philosophy, and h'ital parts to repletion ! take that. (Strikes him.) Come boys, let's go j S. P.— Oh, put that knife away, you are not and horrify our new neighbors! (All except j doing me any good by brandishing it in that W. C. and P. F. Exit, yelling.) \ fancy style! [Enter Sallie Force.] j D. S. — Fool and coward! If you fail to do „ „. „ r^u,j * *u u '; my work rightly, I'll send it into your foul Salhe Force.-Oh! dear father why are you , ^^^^^ ^^ ^^^-^^l here, among these rough people? And you Mr. ; ci ti /» -j vtt . , ,n^ r,- ^ Cuttle, would do better by remaining at home 1 ,,S. P.— (Aside.) Heaven! save me! (To him.) with your poor dear old heart-broken mother! ; ^ ou d better let me go, I m losing time! P. F.— O, Yes, I am sick of this business, i .D. S.— Go then! but remember my tooth- (Staggers, after trying to walk and falls.) j P^ck ! S. F.— (Sees blood.) Oh! father, who has; S. P.— O, Lord ! (Exit shuddering.) done this? ; D. S. — With me, it's blood and torture ! W c —My dear, who could do such a foul i Not to myself; O, no, but to others! As for act, but Dick Shaw? i love and loving words, I have none of it! I ro T? * TV 1 CT, ^ 1 ! ^^ horn under the aspects of Mars, which l_Ke-i.nter Dick bhaw.j , g.^^^ ^^ ^^ insatiate desire and delight in the X). S. — Who calls my name so rudely? i miseries of others! Sallie Force shall be mine, W. C— I hope you will be more circumspect: if I've §ot to dive in blood to my neck! Ha! in the presence of a dying man and this lady ! i ha! It is delightful to hold a whole commu- Tv o o. » ij* 1 /T ^ ^u: „;^« : nity in awe Ha! ha! ha! My tooth-pick is the D. S.— Shut pan, old fool. (Jerks him aside ; ,-^, tt„i u.,, imi and takes S. F. toward door.) Tableau. : Doy' Ha! hal ha! -,-^^--.^ o /-ii 1. • o T ^ -^*no„„' SCENE 4.— Street Scene. Sam Pool on his SCENE 3.-Chamber, in 2, Leader of Gang ; p p . j^ .^ ^j • ^^^^^j^ and Bums. D. S. and S. P. conspiring. I ^^ Cuttle o ! ■ Q Leader of Gang.-Say, chums, didn't we I g^^ Pool.-(Looks at himself.) I guess no slmg things, and isn t Dick Shaw a blooming i ^^^ ^^^^^ ^^ .^ ^^.^ ^^^ ^^^.^^ |y ^^^ , trump i- Ha! ha! I ^^^^ j ^^ getting to fear and loathe that ac- Bums.— Ha! ha! ha! Hurrah! Hurrah for ; cursed fiend, Dick Shaw! He would as lief kill Dick Shaw! | me, his best friend, as any one else, if I did L. of G.— Let us have a grand old walk j not dance to his fiddling. By gad! I'll bide my round and hoe-down ! (Exit right, yelling.) 1 time, if ever I am spared an opportunity to ™, ^ T~v 1 ou r cj T> 1 1 i punish him, with perfect safety to myself , I'll [Enter Dick Shaw & Sam Pool.] j ^^ ^^^ ^.^ '^.^^ ^^^.^^^^ compunction of con- D s — Curse that wench, she wont relent, | science, as he does to kill a rat! He has mur- but I'll be damned, if I don't skin her alive, if 1 dered over one hundred people to my recoUec- she does not come to my terms! i tion, and he gluts over peoples' misery! S. P.— (Fawning.) Dick, hadn't vou better i [Enter W. Cuttle.] be less severe with her? Use more loving Ian- 1 tt n . o* g I Wm. Ctttle.— Hallo! Stranger, can you D S.— No; you are a fool! (Jerks him ve- \ inform me where I can find Mr. Sam Pool? hemently.) If you hadn't been a chicken- i S. P.— (Aside.) Begad, he does not know ACTS II. and III. 11 me in this gear. (To him.) "Well no, I don't ! know just now, where you can find that hon- 1 orable gentleman! 1 W. C. — Yes, O, yes, he is kind of honorable. I S. P.— (Aside.) Kind of honorable, hah! I'll learn his business. (To him.) If I am not too bold, may I ask you your business with Mr. Pool? I "W. C. — Well, surely, if I were not an inno- cent philosopher, I'd say that you were rather a suspicious looking customer to take into one's confidence? S. P. — But sir, pure minded and innocent people never judge by appearances; because, a saint might be disguised under rough looking harness. I am not so bad looking, am I? W. C. — No; not exactly. Still my innocent philosophy impresses me that you are no saint. S. P. — (Aside.) Does he suspect me? Begad I must be off. (To him.) Good day! (Exit right) W. C— Good day. (Aside.) That's Sam Pool, by jingoes. (Exit left.) SCENE 5.— Pert Force's Parlors. Enter Sam Pool in disguise. Nancy and Dick Shaw. Sam Pool. — (Steals.) This may do to pawn for a shilling, and this for a couple of dollars. Dick Shaw, makes me do all his dirty work of late years without pay, so I must help my- self, when I am on missions of mercy for his holiness! Ha! ha! where there is a good will, there is always a way, and this is my way. (Pockets things.) I must get outside and knock at the door as I hear some one coming. (Exit.) [Enter Nancy. S. P. knocks.] Nancy. — Come in. I guess it's Diver. [Enter Sam Pool.] S. P. — Good morning young woman. (Aside.) Begad, but she is beautiful, I wonder who she is? If I were young now, wouldn't I buck up to her? Begad f 11 try my luck any how. N. — Sir, what do you wish? S. P.— Ahem! (Clearing his throat.) Well ]Miss, I don't mind telling a sweet lass like yourself, what I want! (Goes and embraces her.) N. — (Screams.) A-a-ah! S. P.— Oh! don't do that! N. — Who do you wish to see? S. P. — I have business with Mr. Force, is he home? N. — No sir; he is not, and wont be for a day or two. S. P. — (Aside.) One point gained. (To her.) Is Miss Force at home? N. — No sir; she is out. Wm. Cuttle. — (Peeps at door. Aside.) I'll see what that rascal is after, nothing good, I warrant! Some dirty scheming in behalf of Dick Shaw, I'll bet! S. P.— When will she return home? N. — In about an hour. S. P. — Do you know where I can see Mr, Force to-day or to-morrow? N.— In Boston. S. P. — (Aside. Cuttle hears him.) Ah! he is far enough away from home to give Dick a free foot for at least twenty-four hours W. C. — (Aside.) Not while I am about, old villain. S. P. — Well, my sweet lass, as long as you are alone in this place, permit me to keep you company! (Tries to embrace her.) N. — (Saucy.) Leave me, or I'll call the men. S. P. — (Aside.) The men! I wonder if she is lying, or can there be any men about? (Looks around.) W. C. — (Aside.) You'll find out pretty soon if you persist in your deviltry ! N. — Let me go, or I'll call for help, S. P. — (Grabs her.) Call and be darned; but you know well enough that no one is near at hand. [Enter Wm. Cuttle.] W. C. — (Dashes him aside.) Yes, there is, Mr. Sam Pool, take that, old villain! N.— (Runs to C.) Oh! thank you, Mr. Cuttle ! [Enter Dick Shaw.] Dick Shaw. — (Tears Cuttle away and stabs him.) Take that, villain and die! (Sees S. P.) All right, old boy! N. — (Screams.) Help! murder! help] D. S. — (Grabs and runs her up the stage.) Stop your noise, or I'll run you through ! (Changes to Rev. Preacher-Doctor.) Company. — (Behind the scenes sing a very solemn dirge.) Grand Tableau. ACT III. SCENE 1.— Pert Force's Parlors, in 3 or 4, Pert Force, Sam Pool and Wm. Cuttle, dis- covered; drinking hilariously. Sallie Force, Rev. P.-D., Mad. Willard, Woman's Chris tian Temperance Union, Leader of Gang and Bums. Pert Force. — Ilic, Ge-ntlemeu, some of us c-come near, hie, dying of the stabs, hie, (drinks,) of Dick Shaw; but, he is a b-ul-ly b-oy. Is-n't he, S-sam my boy; hie? Sam Pool. — Bust me i-i-if he isn't! (Feels sick at stomach.) Wm. Cuttle.— (Only half drunk.) I tell you fellows, my innocent philosophy teaches me — S. P. — O, d-d-amn, hie, your philosophy. W. C. — Sam Pool you are a drunken fool and hypocrite S. P. — (Jumps up mad, rants comically.) It's a-a cussed lie; I-I d-despise the W. C. T. Union hypocrites, hie, and I-I'll b-bust t-the snood of any f-fool that s-says it. 12 ACT III P. F. — B-Boys have re-respect for the host of this pal-palace W. C. — I said, you were a hypocrite, be- cause, you acted so pleasant in the presence of the members of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, then when your dirty back was turned, you were telling every body, how you had them pray for your redemption from rum and sin; l)ut you swore the more and drank the harder P. F.— Ha! ha! So you did; ha! ha! that was good. Come, taste my grape wine. (Drink) Come, William don't be uncivil! Sallie made this wine and you love my Sal-Sal-vation ! Ha! ha! I come damn near get-geting religion just then (All drink.) [Sallie Force overhears them.] W. C. — My in-innocent philosophy im-im- pre.ssess me, that re-religion would .starve, if-f you were to be its food ! S. P. — Hie, hie, ha! ha! b-by Sal-salvation arm-my that's s-so [Enter Sallie Force.] S. F. — (Indignant and tragic.) Well, you are the trinity of the infernal regions ! I would like to send you to prison for life. Look at yourselves S. P., P. F., W. C— (Sieschlcss, look at each other comically.) S. F.— Aren't you a precious set of loafers? And you, Mr. Cuttle, are a grand philosopher; innocent as a drunken beast W. C— P-Please, Miss Sal-Sallie, d-don't scold your old, hie, friend; but I have b-been eating too damned much salt-herring ag-gain last night at the Old AVoman's Christian 'Tem- perance Union supper. You women will poi- son our food, and create in us the ap-i^etite, then if we take the an-antidote you scold P. F, & S. P.— Ha! ha! An-anecdote, hie, is good; ha! ha! anec-ec-dote. W. C. — Anti-ti-dote, not an-ec-dote, you unphilosophic boobies! S. F. — Shut-up, the whole of you and leave MY house P. F. — Your house; cur-curse you-u, who-o am I, I, I ? S. F. — A drunken loafer and bankrupt ! P. F. — (Strikes her to floor.) You are a liar. (Falls himself head over ears.) S. P. & W. C— Ha! ha! Let's take some of Sal-salvation grape wine! (Drink.) S. F. — (Drags her father into another room.) You are my father, and as such I shall care for you until death ! S. P. & W. C. — (Discover the absence of Mr. and Miss Force.) Hel-hell-hello! Where are o-our host-hostess and host-t-ter? [Re-Enter Sallie Force.] S. F. — Mr. Cuttle you had better leave with your dninken chum. S. P. — Sal-vation Sal-lie, aren't you m-my be-betrothed w-wife? (Grabs and holds her.) S. F.— No ! (Struggles.) [Enter Rev. P.-D. and Madam Willard.] Rev. P.-D. — (Dashes Sam Pool away.) Vil- lain, stand aside! My poor, persecuted child, you shall be protected hereafter! Mad. W.— Well, well, Mr. Cuttle, you are a co-laborer in Satan's vineyard. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Go away from me W. C. — As I hope for peace, my innocent philosophy proves to me that your food ; yes, your cursed salted herring and ham-sandwich- es give me the thirsl, then I must drink wine or .schnapps of some sort as a medicine, or I feel unmanned, and j^ou wouldn't have your faithful lover in that condition! jSIad. W. — Pshaw! You are hereafter be- neath my notice, therefore your absence is preferable to your presence W. C. — I will reform. (Goes to wine bottle.) Mad. W. — (Snatches it away.) Leave. [Exit Sam Pool and W. Cuttle, shouting.] S. P. & W. C— Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick Shaw. Rev. P.-D. — This truly, is a sorry state of affairs, but as long as .seasoned and medicated food creates the appetite for rum, and temper- ate doses are prescribed bj' doctors, and are taken in high social circles, as also at the Communion Table, so long will drunkards be made, and the Temperance Cause, and Pro- hibition must take back seats! Remove the cause of an evil and the effects will cease. Dear friends, wont you join the "Order of Naturalists," and assist in staying the appetite for this soul and body destrojing stuff, when very soon the millennial dawn will appear ! S. F. — (Charmed.) Amen! Dear doctor, you can count upon my money, influence, mind and strength. Mad. W.— Ditto, here! (Exits.) [Enter L. of Gang and Bums.] L. of G. — There she is, go grab and carry her away, this is Dick Shaw's house, and we shall clear the coast! Bums. — (Rush for her.) Rev. P.-D.— Hold ! Now do I draw the circle of the church of God around her, step but one foot within that circle, and I will launch the curse of heaven and hell upon you ! Tableau ! SCENE 3,— Chamber, in 2. Enter Madam Willard and Wm. Cuttle. Rev. P.-D. and S. Force. Diver and Nancy. Bums shout without. o Mad. W. — Well, Mr. Cuttle, your promises of reform have been so many, and so easily broken, that I cannot trust in you any more. W. C. — I vow, dear one, that I will, here on my bended knee, swear off ACTS III. and IV. 13 Mad. W. — For how long a time? ; W. C. — On one condition, forever! 1 ]\rad. W. — Name your condition. | W. C. — That you, bigoted women, will ; reform your cooking; and leave salt and spices 1 out of the victuals which you set before us ! ; Mad. W. — I have promised Rev. Preacher- ; Doctor that, and you know when I make a \ promise I keep it; but it is very, very hard to i stop using salt, peppers and spices ; W. C. — No harder than for me to stop ; drinking, when your medicated food makes I me look intuitively into the rum bottle. ; Mad. W. — You have caught me in my own i net, and I forgive you ! j W. C. — (Embraces her.) Hurrah for a good, ; honest woman and my innocent philosophy ! ; [Enter Rev. P.-D. and Sallie Force.] Rev. P.-D.— (Aside to S. F.) Behold; re- demption and cupid on the wing! (To them.) ; Pardon, our intrusion, but never mind us, we J have a little weakness ourselves that way. ; (Hugs her.) I S. F. — Doctor, you make me blush! Mad. AV. — Ha! ha! you are quite old enough my dear little lady to blush ! W. C. — And my innocent philosophy, makes even myself color in the blushing place. Company.— (All laugh.) Ha! ha! ha! Rev. P.-D.— Truly, Mr. Cuttle, I have seen you go through that blushing business before! Mad. W. — Don't hurt my "innocent phi- losopher's" feelings. He has taken a solemn oath not to imbibe the stuff of sin again W. C. — Yes, on one condition! Rev. P.-D. — Ha! ha! I suppose that condi- tion is marriage! AY. C. — Dear Doctor, you suppose wrongly. But it is to stop our cooks from feeding us on appetite-creating seasonings. Rev. P.-D. — Heaven be praised for this work, now the temperance movement will soon be founded upon the rock of ages! [Enter Diver and Nancy as Specialties.] Rev. P.-D. — AA^e welcome you in our midst on this auspicious moment; but to divert our minds from the monotony of life's toils and struggles, give us some rational entertainment! Diver & Nancy. — (5 to 10 minutes.) Bums. — (AVithout shout.) Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick Shaw ! [Exit Diver & Nancy.] Rev. P.-D. — This man-fiend, Dick ShaAv, is more to be dreaded than a pestilence. He has grown rich, and owns these premises, so he claims; and satan and mammon are legion at this artificial and sinful age! Nothing, it seems, but death can stay the powder of such fiendish- ness. Dick Shaw, is not so much a drunkard, as a terror to all people! He controls the mob, who is greatly in the majority, and as you all know, he stabs any one who comes into his path; and with his dagger and wealth he wheedles an influence that is appalling! AVhat a pity that some one does not turn on him and thereby send him to his grave ! This may be unbecoming to a man who holds the position of teacher and doctor; but, may heaven pardon me, I would like to have him as a patient, I would issue daily quack bulletins, and treat him allopathically, which would be sure death ! AY. C. — Hurrah, for that; now friends my innocent philosophy may find a way to give this fiend of fiends the eternal quietus; further, deponent sayeth not ! Rev. P.-D. — Let us have a Song. [Enter Salvation Army.] SONG AND CHORUS. (Tune. — In the sweet by-and-by.) 1. Good friends we have given you ha, ha ! The language of the fiendish Dick Shaw; Now we think he had better ta, ta! And go to his hen-roost in the sky. Chorus. — In the sweet by-and-by, AVe'Il see him peeping out from the sky; In the sweet by-and-by, AVe'll see him peeping out from the sky. 2. If the Preacher-Doctor will kill him, AVith sucli drugs as M. D's do prescribe! Then the world will be rid of this kingj And the AV. C. T. Union might sing Chorus. — (As above.) 3. AYe'U have a piece of sweet gospel-pie, As we visit our Dick in the .sky! And the sisters will stop using salt; Making all men a temperance crowd! Chorus. — (As above.) Tableau. ACT lA^ SCENE 1.— Pert Force's Parlor. Dick Shaw and Sallie Force, Enter. Sam Pool. Dick Shaw.— AYell lass, AYra. Cuttle, the Innocent Philosopher is dead, and as you loved him while he lived, but cannot love a dead man! I think, if you know what is good for you, you had better love me ! Sallie Force. — (Aside.) Great heaven, this fiend is ready to mwrder every one who oppo- ses him. (To him.) Give me time to consider this matter. (Trembles.) D. S. — A\^hy do you tremble, lass, and why do you want time for consideration? S. F. — Because, I should like to consult my father first. D. S. — (Aside.) Curse that father, he will oppose my game; but I'll send him to glory before he gets home from Boston. (To her.) AVell, yes, but your father has a grudge at me, on account of that little fuss we had in Mr. Diver's bar-room. S. F. — But father is very indulgent to me — D. g._'\Yell, yes; he may be to you, but you 14 ACT IV. are not me! Now look here, lass, I will give ; you time to consider this matter until tomor- \ row or next day; but, if you or your father ; go back on me, I'll pick your teeth with this ! fevorite tooth-pick of mine! Mark me! S. F.— (Aside.) Oh! dear William Cuttle, ; if you were only living D. S. — What are you mumbling? I am i going now, but remember your promise and ; my vow! Good evening! (Exits.) S. F.^0, great heaven, what shall I do? ; Father is away from home, and may not re- ; turn for a week, and dear William is murdered I by the hands of this fiend! O, Oh! (Weeps.) \ [Enter Sam Pool.] \ Sam Pool. — Miss Force, are you alone? S. F.— (Aside.) What shall I say? Does he I want to insult me, or what may he want? I : fear him. (To him.) What's that to you? i S. P. — It is not much to me! But it maybe ; a great deal to you . S. F.— How so? (Defiantly.) S. P.— Well, your conduct to me may save ; your life! S. F.— (Aside.) The old scoundrel. Dick i Shaw has sent him to learn some thing for ; his benefit. (To him.) Mr. Shaw has sent you, 1 I suppose ! S. P. — No Miss! I swear by my life, that he has not, but ; S. F.— But what? i S. P. — I came of my own accord this time, to save your precious life ! Only swear that you wont betray me ! S. F. — I swear I wont betray you, if you mean what you say. S. P. — Mean it! Yes, as I am an old sinner and hope for heaven, I mean it. S. F. — I believe you! Now speak quickly — S. P. — (Looks around.) Sure, there is no one .to over-hear us? S. F. — Indeed, I am sure, so go on. 8. P. — Pardon me, when I tell you that I have for years been a confederate of Dick Shaw's, and whilst I have done his dirty work, I have never yet murdered any one S. F. — Well, well, why do you relate what every body knows, tell me at once what you came here for S. P. — I will, but give me time! S. F. — Hurry up. S. P. — Listen, then, Dick Shaw swears, that unless you voluntarily become his wife, he will compel you, if he must dive in blood to his neck ! You know that he is a perfect fiend; and every body is afraid of him; even the public ofiicers dare not enforce the law on him. S. F. — But, how can this save my life? S. P. — Wait a moment, and I'll tell you. He intends to murder your father this very night, and afterwards \isit you and compel you to become his wife. Now, forewarned is forearmed, therefore be well armed, when he visits you, and stab him, or shoot or slug him, the first opportunity you get. I will be near you, or may be I can persuade him to have me accompany him when he visits you ; if he does, I'll pretend to be your enemy, thereby throw him off his guard S. F.— (Terribly agitated.) Oh! heaven, how can I save myself and father? S. P. — Keep cool now, and think clearly, or you'll miss your mark! I will see what I can do to save you both; now I must be off. Good by, and may heaven protect you! (Exit.) S. F.— O, Oh! I must be cool ! (Faints.) Tableau. SCENE 2.— Kitchen, in 2 or 3. Nancy and Diver making love and song. Wm. Cuttle and Pert Force, latter drunk. L. of G. and Bums. Diver. — Darling Nancy, I am delighted to see you look so beautiful, but you seem to be unhappy, why is this thus? Nancy. — Well, mine tear Harry, you dose known wat drouble we half on accound off dem fend, Dick Schaw; so you cannod plame mineself fur been down-heartet! D. — Never mind Dick Shaw now! I know he is a naughty boy, but there is no use for us poor people to bother our brains and spoil our fun on account of the acts of the rich, who care nothing for us, unless they can use us for the enhancement of their own pleasures ! Aren't that so? N. — Harry mine tear, you wash ride-avey ride; so led us half one leedle sung. D. — All right. (Embraces her. Song.) [Enter Wm. Cuttle & Pert Force.] W. C. — Now, (Trying to keep P. F. on his feet.) Mr. Force, I don't blame any man for getting on a bust, hie, once in a while; but to get dead drunk, is damned beastly; and some of these days, Dick Shaw, will cut you to the gizzard and kill you! Mr. Diver, bring me some, hie, soda water to sober up this bank- rupt millionaire! D. — Nancy, run to the pantry and get the. wash soda, and I'll fix up a dose. N. — (Runs out and in.) Here id ish. D. — (Mixes comically with water.) Let's make him swallow it quickly ! W. C. — I will hold him, you jam his jaws apart and I'll pour it into his big mouth! CThey struggle comically.) P. F. — (Swallows and it sickens him.) Oh! O, Dick, D-i-ick don't stab m-me to death, I- I-I will re-repent ! I W. C. — My innocent philosophy tells me that he will instanter revive I D. — (Strokes his forehead.) Mr. Force, how I do you feel? I P. F.— B-B-Better, thank you-u! ACT IV. W. C. — I am glad that yovi are awake from i rum again; now don't make a beast of yourself ; again, or I wont exercise my innocent pliilos- 1 ophy on you \ P. F. — Gads! You sicken me by your damn ; innocent philosophy, for I wont hear it; be- ; cause I am a gentleman of wealth and leisure. 1 W. C. & Diver.— Ha! ha! ha! i Nancy. — Ser, dat dimes wash gone py. Ha! • W. C— I should think so ! ; [Enter L. of G. & Bums, yelling.] ; W. C. — What do you want here, leave us? | D. & N. — Come away. (Exit screaming.) j W. C, P. F. & Bums.— (End scene in a ; tei'ritic fight !) Tableau. 1 SCENE 3.— Street Scene. Dick Shaw and Sam Pool after Pert Force; when he returns from Boston. Bums & L. of G. as passengers. o Dick Shaw. — Sam, old boy, we must wait here, until the train comes in from Boston! I have telegraphed to Pert Force in an assumed name and pretended business of importance, when he answered, that he would return in this, night, train! Sam Pool. — Well, Dick, what if he does? D. S. — Fool, don't be feigning ignorance, that wont go with me S. P. — Ignorance to you; do you suppose I know all your thoughts? Say the woixi and I am with you. D. S. — (Brandishing dirk.) I thought so ! Isn't this a fine tooth-pick? S. P.— Oh! Yes, certainly it is! What do you propose to do with it? D. S. — Send it into Pert Force's heart, of course! S. P.— (Shudders.) When? D. S. — To-night, to-be-sure. S. P. — Where and why? D. S. — Here, as he passes, and for the first reason, that I want him out of my way, and for my second, that to gratify my love of tor- turing and killing such fools as he ! S. P.— But, remember, Dick, that he is Miss Sallie Force's father D. S.— As if I did not know that! You seem to be a friend to these people! Have a care, or I'll pick your rotten teeth! (Terrible action) S p._( Aside.) Great Mars! I cannot pre- vent him from carrying out his fiendish work; and to throw him off his guard, and save Miss Sallie, I must become accessory in the murder of her father, or both may die! (To him.) Well, well, Dick, what can I do to finish this business safely and quickly? D. S. — Ah! I thought you'd come to your senses, old fool! This tooth-pick of mine is a better'reminder of duty, than dollars, cents or anything else. (Flourishing dirk.) Don't you think so, Sam, my boy? S. P.— (Aside.) I'll show you by and by! (To him.) Ha! ha! ha! of course. [Enter Pa.ssengers & Pert Force.] D. S. — You go and detain the old father of our heroine, until the other passengers have gone out of sight! (Hides behind the scenes.) S. P.— Mr. Force I believe? P. F. — Yes sir, that's my name. Yv'hat do you desire? S. P.^ — There is a gentleman over the way, who wants to say a v/ord to you! P. F. — Who is it? I do not propcse to be stopped dy night brawlers. [Enter Dick Shaw.] D. S.— (Stabs him.) Take that old dotard ! (Exit D. S. & S. P., right.) P. F.— (Falls left center and dies.) Oh! heaven, stabbed, and by Dick Shaw! [Re-Enter, Dick Shaw, Sam Pool & Bums, forming a semi -circle around Pert Force.) D. S. — A man, intoxicated; no, no, dead. Oh! .some foul fiend has murdered him! O, O! Friends, take him up and carry him safely along, and break the news gently to his family, family ! family ! ! Bums. — (Carry Pert Force ofi, on a run.) D. S. — (Yells and runs.) Safely out of my way! (Exit all on a run for life.) SCENE 4.— Pert Force's Parlors. Sallie Force, Wm. Cuttle, Sam Pool et Dick Shaw. o W. C. — Jliss Sallie, I have had a conference with Sam Pool about killing Dick Shaw, the first opportunity that he will get; and while Sam Pool is the confederate of Dick Shaw, he says, that Dick is getting too rough and severe on him, and he will redeem himself , and make reparation for the injury he has assisted in doing unto you S. F. — (Awfully nervous.) But, Sam Pool, can't be tru.sted any more than Dick Shaw. W. C. — You trust to my innocent philoso- phy and be cool ! (Exit.) S. F. — Why, O, why, don't father come I The Express Train has arrived an hour ago; and he said, he'd be home for certain! Heav- en! I just remember, what Sam Pool has told me! Oh! ye powers above, protect my poor,, old father! But I am afraid that Dic"k Shaw has executed his fiendish purposes! (3Ieditates) But Sam Pool told me that he would save my father! Horror! horror! he may have proved as false as Dick Shaw! Oh! what can I do? I hear footsteps. It is dear father, I thought he would come! And yet I was almost scared to distraction ! (Listens.) I hear two walk; he has brought some one with him! S. P.— (Knocks.) S. F. — Great heaven, a knock! [Enter Sam Pool & Dick Shaw.] 16 ACTS IV. and V. S. F. — Oil! heaven, protect me ! Father ! i S. P.— (Aside.) Be cool and prepare your i weapon. (To Dick.) Our hostess seems to be j scared! Ha! ha! ha! \ D. S.— (Goes to her.) Why, bird, what's! the matter? We are your best friends! Aren'tj we Sam? i S. P.— Of course we are! (Aside.) Damn i me, if I aren't, and you'll get your desserts or i I am no man! D. S. — Come, lass, and sit down and let's \ have a good old fashioned talk! j S. F. — But what do you wish me to talk \ about? I am worried, because I expected dear \ father home by the night train, aud it is now \ long past eleven o'clock, and he is not here ! | I believe the train is due at depot by ten o'clock. \ O. S. — Yes, that's the hour! (Meditates.) i But he will come to-morrow. \ S. F. — I am sorry for that ! D. S. — Sorry! (Returns to fierceness.) Why i shoiUd you be sorry, when I am with you? Sam, leave us for a moment. Go out there! S. F. — Let him go in here, if he must go! D. S. — Would you have him remain while we carry on our private conversation? S. F. — Certainly, I have no scruples to let him liear all that may be said. D. S. — You can stay then. S. F. — There is a chair. (Points back of her.) D. S. — Now, Miss Force, to business; I have come to ask you, if you will consent to be mine? Your old lover is dead ! S. F._(giglis.) Ah! yes! S. P. — (Aside.) And I wouldn't give much for your life or tooth-pick after to-night. D. S.— ^Yliy do you sigh? S. F. — To think of poor, dear William! D. S.— (Jumps up.) Curse him and his memory! I'll let you know that I wont have any more of your whining about that fool Ciittle! (Grabs her.) Now, swear that you'll be mine, aud that you will banish all thoughts of Bill Cuttle, or I'll send this dagger into your heart to the hilt ! S. P. — (Quickly whispers to her.) Be cool, and when I say: Now; strike for his heart, for lie has murdered your father not an hour ago. D. S. — Why don't you answer me? Answer, I say ! S. P. — (Runs to right side and catches Dick's arm.) Now, Miss Sallie! S. F. — (Stabs him in the back.) This is my answer ! DEATH OF DICK SHAW! Tableau. ACT V. SCENE 1.— Pert Force's Parlors. Diver and Nancy, discovered. Mad. Willard and Wm. Cuttle. Rev. P.-D. and Sallie Force. W. C. T. U. and Salvation Army. o Diver. — (Jealous.) Nans, I saw you flirt with that young dude, Joe Wilson! Why don't you marry him? Nancy. — (Mad.) Dat wash a lie; und you knows id. You only wash chellous. Ha! ha! Poor poy. (Goes lovingly to him.) D. — Go away, I am mad, and wont be called a liar one moment, then be coaxed the next minute to make up and kiss you? N. — Keiss me! Ha! hah, dose you dink I vants to keiss you? D. — Yes you do! N. — No, I dosent. D. — Why do you lallagag around me in that manner? (Imitates her.) N. — I dident lallacack arount you. (Cries.) You consult me ! D. — (Goes to pet her.) N. — Go avay, I hades you worse dan one green toad! You Irish ; D. — Ta! ta, my sweetness, don't call me, ; Irish; because, I am Dutch I N.— (Mouths at him.) Yes, you was nod I half good anough to be Dutch. Ferdomden i spitzboob! i D. — (Teases her.) Yaw, I wash one deitzer. j N.— One liar. i D.— Ta! ta i N. — Ta! da; do rutznause ! i D. — What kind of a nause? i N. — Dirdy nose (Slaps him on nose.) i D.— You little devil. (Mad, holds her hands) I N. — Led go me, or I vill spid on your nose. I D. — Don't you dare to do that, you mean i little minx j N. — (Gets hand loose, slaps'him.) Took dat, i mine fine chentlemans. i D. — You are no lady i N. — Wat wash I den? One mix? I D. — Not a mix; but a minx I N. — I gose und dells mine mistress I J) — (Catches her.) Don't go, I am sorry i for fighting with my sweet little dutch girl; i but they say, true love never runs smooth ! I N. — (Smiles.) Dose you mean id? I D. — (Kisses her.) Yum, yum, of course I do. 1 N, — Dis wash bedter than fide mineself . i D.— To-be-sure it is! (More hugs and kisses.) I jsr. — I wash nod one mix? (Smiles quizical.) i D. — No, no, you are a sweet, sweet sugar- ilump! (Caresses her.) I ]v^_ — (Suspicious.) You dose nod fool mid \ mineself, dose you? ACT V. 17 D.— Do you call this fooling? (Hugs her.) N. — Yaw, dis wash mix. (Throws arms around him.) [Enter Mad. Willard & Wm. Cuttle.) Mad. ^Y. — (Aside.) Blessed philosopher, look at that W. C— That looks good. (Hugs her.) What say you ? Mad. W.— O, Mr. Cuttle! It feels kind of good, coming, as it does, from an "innocent philosopher," like you W. C. — It is better than lager beer. Don't you think so? ]\Iad. W. — It is, indeed! (Embraces him.) Don't you enjoy it more? W. C. — Well, yes, and it is as infectious as treating. (Motions toward lovers.) D. — It is nice to be alone together N. — You wash nod aloan. (Pushes him off.) D.— Hold still N. — Somepoty am acomen W. C. — No, you don't hear somebody coming, but we are here ! jST. — (Screams.) Ah! Led mineself go. (Mad.) D. — Never mind them, I saw them do the same thing Mad. W. — I am astoni.shed at you, Mr. Di- ver, making such a remark! W. C. — My innocent philosophy compels me to tell the truth ! D. — Mr. Cuttle, she wants more. You give it to her, this way. (Kisses and hugs Nancy.) j\Iad. W. — I don't allow such liberties? D. — My "Innocent Philosophy" tells me that true lovers can't take any liberties. Company. — Ha! ha! ha! [Enter Rev. P.-D. and Sallie Force.] Rev. P.-D. — Good evening friends! You seem to be happy ! [Enter W. C. T. U. Ladies & Gents.] Mad. W.— Truly, Dear Doctor, what should prevent it? Here come our co-laborers. Rev. P.-D. — We have great cause for grati- tute, at the results of our struggles with the monster — rum! The AV. C. T. U., have made the necessary concessions to science and phys- iological law! W. C. T. U.— (Applaud.) Hear! hear! Rev. P.-D. — Yes, they have been convinced that salted and seasoned food makes the ap- petite for rum; and they also have learned that hunger should be the only relish; hence, have become rigid "Health Reformers of Body and Soul." Moderate drinking in high Social Circles has likewise been abolished and is now odious! Wine at the Christian Communion Table is among the relicks of baser customs! Dick Shaw is dead, and Miss Sallie Force has been re-instated into her old quarters, and her father's property has been restored to her ! [Enter Sara Pool, Redeemed.] Company.— Hear! hear! hear! (Applaud.) I Rev. P.-D.— ]\Ioreover, Mr. Samuel Pool, i has been fully redeemed, although by his !■ dissipation he "has lost his lady-love; but we ; all welcome you into our midst as the purified I from the sin of rumdom ! I Corap.— (Applaud.) : Sam Pool. — My everlasting thanks are di;e to you, beloved friends: and although, I have lost my formerly betrothed wife, I am never- theless doubly rejoiced at the glorious turn things have taken, and I hope to be as arduous and enthusiastic in well-doing, in the future, as I have been when the confederate of Dick Shaw, with whose character and acts you are all familiar ! Comp. — (Terrific Applause.) Rev. P.-D. — This is an age of Scientific progress in all the material Arts and Sciences, and should not the "Theatrical Stage" become the educator of the masses of mankind, and show "Nature's path, and mad opinions leave; all states can reach it, and all heads conceive; obvious her goods, in no extreme they dwell; there needs but thinking right, and meaning- well! Come then, my friend, (To Sam Pool,) my genius come along! Oh! master of the poet and the song; and while the muse now stoops or now ascends, teach me like thee, in various nature wise; that virtue only makes us liliss below, and all our knowledge is ourselves to know!" Comp.— (Gigantic Applause.) Rev. P.-D. — Let us render thanks in Song. [Enter Salvation Army.] SONG AND CHORUS. (Tune. — John Brown's body lies, &c.) 1. Dick Shaw's body lies mouldering in the clay. (Repeat 3 times.) As we have sent him down ! Glory, glory hallelujah! (Repeat 8 times.) As we have sent him down ! 2. Sam Pool's ains are forgiv'n while on earth. Because he's redeemed from rum ! Chorus. — As he goes marching on ! 3. Sallie Force is the blessed one! Having given up making wine. Chorus. — She and doc. are getting on fine! 4. Hurrah ! now for the Preacher-Doctor! As he has won the war! Chorus. — And his Science lifts us up. 5. We love the sisters of the temprance cause! As they have loved us first. Chorus. — AVe'd love to hug them all I 6. Now the Bums and Saints in glory stand ! As we all go marching on ! Chorus. — In union we find our strength ! THE END. LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 016 103 868 44