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 Fowr^ truly, 
 ''JACK O' DIAMONDS/' 
 
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 FEB 13 1915 
 
 @C!.A395271 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 The contents of this book is a general assembly 
 of articles written solely to amuse, by Virgil Shook 
 (The Jack O' Diamonds.) The names used in these 
 articles are true names of local people, the majority 
 of whom are living at the time this book goes to 
 press. It is the object of the author to keep as far 
 from facts as possible ( barring names), and in no 
 case whatever, is an article written to offend. My 
 characters are selected from the Fire Department, 
 Police Department, Mail Carriers and Street Car 
 Men and are men who thoroughly appreciate a 
 harmless joke. 
 
 COPYRIGHT. 1915, 3Y V. SHOOK 
 
HE WASNT STEAMIN* RIGHT. 
 
 Frank McCoy (a belt line switchman) 
 
 Threw his leather mittens down, 
 Took a chew of plug tobacco 
 
 Then he mumbled with a frown, 
 "Say, a snake in dis woild, Kiddo, 
 
 Has a fat chance, I'm dead sore, 
 An' I claims de system's rotten 
 
 An' polluted to de core !" 
 
 'T puts me name up, Kiddo, 
 
 Fer a lay off — thirty days. 
 But dey double crossed me, fellers, 
 
 In a hundred different ways. 
 I tink I'll take on some tonnage 
 
 Of Old Bourbon after lunch 
 Den rawhide to headquarters 
 
 An' head in on dat bunch." 
 
 "Del" Sanders said, "Why, say, Kid, 
 
 A guy as hard as you 
 Could go tru dat bunch o' bone heads 
 
 Like hot water tru a flue. 
 It won't take you but a minute 
 
 To show 'em you're dead game 
 But remember dis — old timer, 
 
 A. E. Finley ain't to blame." 
 
 "O, I'm not includin' Finley 
 
 An' I tink I'll blow at noon 
 If I'm goin' to pile 'em high. Bo, 
 
 I can't begin too soon." 
 Then turning to "Del" Sanders 
 
 He said, "I won't be back 
 'Till I've kicked that bunch o' high brows 
 
 Over on de hammer track." 
 
 "If it must be done, I'll do it, 
 
 Say — I'll make 'em loop-de-loop 
 I'll lick every boomer dere, Bo, 
 
 From de call boy to de supe. 
 Wid me lever among de oil cans 
 
 An' me trottle open wide 
 I'll ramble tru dat office 
 
 Like a boomer at high tide." 
 
 Still mumbling his opinion 
 
 He started down the track 
 With both his drivers pounding 
 
 And without once looking back. 
 "Del" Sanders worked short handed 
 
 And at six o'clock that night 
 He said, "I wonder where the Kid is. 
 
 He must be doing things up right." 
 
 —3— 
 
At six o'clock next morning 
 
 The "Kid" came drifting in 
 With a bandage on his steam dome 
 
 And a plaster on his chin. 
 One side light was out of order 
 
 You could hear his piston wheeze 
 As he sat down in a corner 
 
 With his hands upon his knees. 
 
 "Well," Del said, "I see you're here, 'Kid,' 
 
 How'd you find de track, 'Kid,' fast? 
 I've been watchin' fer de wrecker. 
 
 But I haven't seen her pass." 
 "Well, you see it's like dis, Sanders, 
 
 I kicks up an awful row, 
 De target was agin' me 
 
 But I heads in any how." 
 
 "Say, (I hollers at de big supe) 
 
 We're a goin' round an' round 
 Me stay bolts are a poppin' 
 
 An' me whistle valve's tied down. 
 Just order out de wrecker, 
 
 Order out some doctors, too, 
 'Cause you'll need 'em. Bo, a plenty, 
 
 After 'Kid' McCoy gets tru." 
 
 "He didn't even whistle off, 
 
 Just grabs me by de hair 
 An' he dictates a wire. Bo, 
 
 As he released his air 
 Dat's about all I remember ; 
 
 Hully, Gee, Bo — I'm a sight, 
 I'd a piled 'em high, old timer, 
 
 But I wasn't steamin' right." 
 
 "BILL KANE'S ATHLETIC MEET." 
 
 An athletic tournament. 
 
 Promoted by Bill Kane, 
 Brought out a bunch of talent 
 
 That would drive a man insane. 
 The list included wrestling, 
 
 And contests of every sort 
 That go to make a tournament. 
 
 Were included in the sport. 
 
 The first thing on the program 
 
 Was a short talk by Frank Brown, 
 Who advised the boys to take it slow 
 
 And keep the death rate down. 
 A force of ten physicians 
 
 Were engaged to spend the day, 
 Attending to unfortunates 
 
 Partaking in the fray. 
 
It was predicted that past records 
 
 Would surely go to smash, 
 When the classy field was lined up 
 
 For the twenty-five yard dash. 
 They all got off together, 
 
 With Ed Hawkins in first place, 
 But he knocked his automatic 
 
 And was soon out of the race. 
 
 Joe Fisher now was leading, 
 
 And he set a sizzling pace. 
 When glancing up a STOP sign 
 
 Looked him squarely in the face. 
 Through force of habit he threw off 
 
 And was soon passed by Earl Swope; 
 Then Tommy Tomlinson cut Earl out 
 
 And killed his only hope. 
 
 A short circuit in George Koeffler's field 
 
 Soon put him out of line ; 
 With Harry Lynn now leading 
 
 And the bunch all running fine, 
 George Miller fed up to full head 
 
 And was first across the tape. 
 When he sighted near the finish line 
 
 A demijohn of grape. 
 
 The pole vault showed five entries, 
 
 With their wind a trifle thick; 
 It was even money on the bunch. 
 
 Bet your coin, and take your pick. 
 "Abe" Steinbeck, with a trolley pole, 
 
 Was first to take the leap. 
 He cleared the bar at four feet two, 
 
 And murmured "that's a heap.'' 
 
 Joe Smith released his air and jumped. 
 
 And the watchers heaved a sigh. 
 When Dean and Brown (the judges) 
 
 Announced it was a tie. 
 Joe Swearengen then grasped a pole 
 
 And rushed up to the bar 
 As he gave an imitation 
 
 Of a flat-wheeled falling star. 
 
 John Moats and Hughie Kelly 
 
 Were the next two men in line. 
 The crowd all felt assured as Moats 
 
 Said, "This is where I shine." 
 He started, but the pole slipped, 
 
 And the judges marked him missed; 
 George Crane said : "Pay the penalty ; 
 
 Back to the extra list." 
 
Hugh Kelly's jump was four feet one. 
 
 Then the judges took a vote, 
 And called the affair "No Contest." 
 
 Then Pat Hurley cleared his throat 
 As he clamored for attention; 
 
 And the crowd all looked at Pat 
 As he screamed, "Turn all yer trolleys 
 
 And head for the wrestling mat." 
 
 The crowd soon gathered 'round the mat, 
 
 Dave Luke was referee. 
 The bout to be catch-as-catch-can, 
 
 Best two falls out of three. 
 Elum Funk and Buehler 
 
 Were matched to go the route, 
 And as Elum stepped upon the mat 
 
 The bunch sent up a shout. 
 
 Frank Buehler in a bath robe 
 
 That certainly was a scream 
 Made of ninety yards of flannel, 
 
 Was soon upon the scene. 
 Dave called them to the center 
 
 For instructions — then the bell 
 Sent them on their journey. 
 
 As the crowd let out 9. yell. 
 
 Frank blew a fuse — Dave called a halt 
 
 While Bill Guest made repairs ; 
 With Elum pacing back and forth 
 
 Like a lion in its lair. 
 Frank was trying for a toe hold. 
 
 With Elum on his knees. 
 And was reaching for a trilby, 
 
 When he found he had to sneeze. 
 
 He sat back on his haunches 
 
 His watery eyes closed tight ; 
 When Elum sprang upon him, 
 
 Full of energy and fight. 
 George Green slipped in a crow-bar 
 
 Near where Frank Buehler sat ; 
 Elum pried him over 
 
 And forced his shoulders to the mat. 
 
 They came back for the next fall. 
 
 With Frank's tongue upon his breast, 
 And Elum looking confident. 
 
 After fifteen minutes rest. 
 They parried for a moment, 
 
 Then Funk was seen to snatch 
 A tongue hold — and he pinned Frank 
 
 For two falls and the match. 
 
LORENZO D. HUTCHINSON. 
 
 From out the wilds of Arkansaw 
 
 The cane brakes and the brush 
 Where hogs eat cabbage from a jug 
 
 And a meal of milk and mush 
 Is considered some swell banquet 
 
 There came — an only son 
 To make a record for himself, 
 
 Lorenzo Hutchinson. 
 
 "Lon's" the "main spring" for "Buzz" Lilley, 
 
 And you will find him there 
 With the smile that's everlasting 
 
 And a saintly, baby stare. 
 Now and then he's confidential, 
 
 Though it's seldom — and don't last — 
 He once grew reminiscent 
 
 And told "Buzz" of his past. 
 
 He told "Buzz" of a lady— 
 
 His lady — of the South, 
 With pretty, dainty dimples 
 
 And a tantalizing mouth, 
 Down in Shreveport, Louisiana, 
 
 Where the cotton and the cane 
 Litermingled with sweet clover 
 
 In the shady. Southern lane. 
 
 It was there he'd stroll with Nora 
 
 In the balmy Southern air. 
 And he told of how he lingered 
 
 With his heart caught in her hair. 
 He had promised to remember 
 
 Their happy, sacred troth 
 And would SOME day — send for Nora 
 
 When he'd build a home— "Up Noth." 
 
 So any time you feel that life 
 
 Is hardly worth the while 
 Drop in and see Lorenzo 
 
 And bask in his Southern smile. 
 His fluent Southern dialect 
 
 That flows without a flaw 
 Will take you on the wings of dreams 
 
 To the hills of Arkansaw. 
 
 -7- 
 
HUGH KELLY'S FAREWELL BANQUET. 
 
 Our old friend Hughie Kelly 
 
 Quit the West Side yesterday 
 And his friends arranged a banquet 
 
 Before he went away. 
 They "signed on" in a body 
 
 That filled the Junction Hall 
 And all agreed this banquet 
 
 Was THE banquet of them all. 
 
 Pat Hurley was toastmaster 
 
 With a long claw hammer coat 
 A boiled shirt and a neck tie 
 
 That covered up his throat. 
 He was wearing bright green hosiery 
 
 And patent leather "kicks," 
 While on the table near his plate 
 
 He placed two paving bricks. 
 
 He spit on his hands — rolled up his sleeves 
 
 Then climbed upon a chair 
 As he shouted to the audience, 
 
 "I'm the boss here — have a care. 
 I have been selected as the man 
 
 To do this thing up right 
 And just one interruption 
 
 Is enough to start a fight." 
 
 "We are gathered here this evening 
 
 To bid our friend good-bye. 
 And the thought of Hughie leaving 
 
 Brings a tear drop to my eye ; 
 He's a man who's been respected 
 
 By all who knew him well 
 And to think he leaves forever 
 
 Makes his old friends feel like h " 
 
 "As a matter of precaution 
 
 It is well to stop and think 
 It means ten days on the extra list 
 
 To slumber in the sink. 
 When you feel yourself a slipping 
 
 Hunt the middle of the floor; 
 We want everybody peaceful 
 
 When the cops break down the door." 
 
 "I want everybody present 
 
 To register with Funk 
 Tell him where to send your body 
 
 Before you get too drunk. 
 I have just one more suggestion 
 
 And I arise to shout, 
 If you object to murder 
 
 Put the Jack o' Diamonds out." 
 
"I hate him like I hate a snake ; 
 
 He is a nuisance and a pest ; 
 I'd like to step off thirty feet 
 
 And lay this brick upon his chest. 
 You have the schedule before you ; 
 
 Let each man do his best, 
 And if anyone refuses, 
 
 Well— 1 will do the rest.' " 
 
 Yon Swanson (Swedish nightingale) 
 
 Arose and cleared his throat, 
 Then sang "While You Are Leaving, 
 
 We Still Have Your West Side Goat." 
 George Kennedy jumped up and yelled 
 
 "Someone choke Charlie Pegg, 
 For he has tapped George Miller 
 
 Thinking he had tapped a keg." 
 
 When this riot had subsided 
 
 Abe Hoshaw staggered out 
 Dragging Floreke and George Koeffler, 
 
 Pausing long enough to shout, 
 "Here is something I fell over 
 
 In the corner on the floor." 
 Ed Hawkins blinked his eyes and said, 
 
 "Heave 'em out the door." 
 
 Poling felt his way along the wall 
 
 And pulled Steve Johnson down 
 As he mumbled, "Take your time, Steve, 
 
 Take it easy — or you'll drown." 
 Joe Smith then challenged Swearingen 
 
 With a side bet of a hat 
 To settle then — once and for all — 
 
 Who was the human vat? 
 
 Tommie Tomlinson was worried ; 
 
 He ate a plate of hash, 
 And every time he swallowed 
 
 He heard the blamed stuff splash. 
 Dave Luke crawled to a window 
 
 To get a breath of air ; 
 Abe Steinbeck broke his collar bone 
 
 Falling off a chair. 
 
 Bill Kane in turning over 
 
 To help Frank Whitcraft down 
 Rammed his fingers to his knuckles 
 
 In the eyes of Charlie Brown. 
 Joe Fisher called for water; 
 
 Frank Brown said, "Name your price, 
 I'll give one hundred dollars 
 
 For a bandage of crushed ice." 
 
Earnest Nevvhart from the West Side 
 
 Wiped his eyes upon his sleeve, 
 As Patterson moaned sobbingly, 
 
 ''Who'll be the next to leave?" 
 Jerry Simpson sobbed himself to sleep; 
 
 Dean was hanging- to the keg; 
 George Rick said, "Bring me mine, kid, 
 
 For I'm grounded in one leg." 
 
 When the bunch regained their senses 
 
 They ran the w^ater meter hot 
 Jim Hereford begged upon his knees 
 
 To be taken out and shot 
 "Jap" Runner said, "Of all the times 
 
 This banquet beats them all ; 
 There v^ill never be a blow out 
 
 To equal Hugh's at Junction Hall." 
 
 HEN MURRAY'S LITTLE CHAP. 
 
 Shut off your blower, kiddo ; 
 
 Cut your crossings, hit the spot, 
 While I opens up my cylinder cocks 
 
 And tells youse what is what. 
 
 Me noives have been on tension 
 For a month, and, on the dead, 
 
 I was afraid to hook her up a hole, 
 I might blow out a cylinder head. 
 
 I have heaved black diamonds, kiddo, 
 
 From Frisco to New York. 
 I didn't know what excitement was 
 
 Until I heads in on the stork. 
 
 I have seen then piled sky high, old scout, 
 
 While workin' on full head, 
 But for real, rare, high old tension 
 
 The stork sure beats them dead. 
 
 Every time I whistles for the yards 
 
 Me heart begins to drag. 
 An' beatin' like an air pump 
 
 While I look for that red flag. 
 
 I'd ease into the round house 
 Covered, kid, with beads of sweat. 
 
 Then the nurse would give a signal, 
 There's nothing doin' yet. 
 
 But the stork arrived at last, kid, 
 
 And now. Bo, I'm a pap. 
 An' you had ought to throw your headlight 
 
 On the outlines of that chap. 
 
He's the finest type of compound 
 
 That ever hit the track. 
 Six inches across his hips, Bo, 
 
 And two feet across the back. 
 
 He's the whole woiks, too, old timer, 
 From the president on down ; 
 
 We celebrates his every smile 
 And trembles at his frown. 
 
 The whole crew gathers round him 
 Every time he whistles off, 
 
 And we rally round his stall. Bo, 
 Like pigs around a trough. 
 
 His real weight is a mystery ; 
 
 It is really not known. 
 For he's only one week old, Kid, 
 
 And at that this chap's half grown. 
 
 I haven't held him in me arms ; 
 
 That's a strange fact to relate. 
 But I have always been afraid 
 
 The chap might shake his grate. 
 
 He'll be a high-brOw right, old timer ; 
 
 The only time he'll ride a train 
 Is when he's ridin' on the plush; 
 
 He'll make HIS with his brain. 
 
 I'll give this chap a rifl^ 
 And before he's two foot high 
 
 He'll clip the wings off hummin' birds 
 And do it on the fly. 
 
 So beat it for the rip track. Bo, 
 
 For youse is runnin' wild. 
 Just leave it to yours truly 
 
 To produce the first prize child. 
 
 Me head's so big that when I toin round 
 
 I has to hunt a "Y," 
 So line up on the sidin', Bo, 
 
 x\nd watch me ramble by. 
 
 ^11— 
 
FIRE BOYS ON THE DIAMOND. 
 
 Expecting to Organize a Ball Team, the Boys Are 
 
 Practicing at the Sport and Are Reviewed 
 
 by the Jack o' Diamonds. 
 
 The Kansas City, Kansas, firemen, in anticipa- 
 tion of organizing a ball team of fire fighters, are 
 meeting at Brenneisen's Park in Armourdale every 
 morning for a work-out. And, take it from me, I 
 said a mouthful when I said WORK-OUT. The 
 writer was an eye witness to a weird ordeal one 
 day last week and, believe me, it was SOME com- 
 edy. It is ONE thing to sit in a grand stand and 
 watch professional ball players in a game of the 
 national pastime and quite ANOTHER to don a 
 glove and get into the game YOURSELF. A man 
 has no idea of the amount of awkwardness he can 
 develop until placed in a position to do something 
 that appears so easy from a spectator's viewpoint. 
 
 The boys chose sides after the school boy fashion 
 and got right down to business. There was no par- 
 ticular place for any particular man to work. It 
 was a case of snatch a glove and help yourself. 
 "Spit Ball" Holder tried himself out on the mound, 
 but it will take some time to get his wing into 
 proper condition. You could hear his joints creak 
 every time he turned loose of the ball. One inning 
 in the box was sufficient for the once famous "spit 
 ball" artist. Then Jim Conroy tried his hand at the 
 pitching game and, judging from the way "Califor- 
 nia Jim" served 'em up, he figured the fielders' legs 
 were made to run with. Frank Stack (the inventor) 
 also tossed 'em over for a few innings. And this 
 much must be said for Frank. He is cool and de- 
 liberate under fire. "Wild Duck" Patterson went 
 in to pitch an inning and "Bob" lobbed 'erii up to 
 the plate till they looked as big as a circus trunk 
 with electric lights on it. Ed Holder knocked a 
 liner to "Bob" that arrived much sooner than it was 
 expected and as "Bob" wore no chest protector the 
 result was enough to convince him it was safer far- 
 ther back on the diamond. So he retired in favor 
 of "Chime" Baker. "Chime" whiffed 'em over like 
 a Walter Johnson. He had everything; round house 
 curves, smoke, low ones and a drop that was a 
 puzzler. Frank Stack testified later that the ball 
 looked like a pretzel after leaving "Chime's" hand. 
 If it were not for "Chime's" bad habit of arguing 
 with the umpire he would prove very successful. 
 They missed "Bones" Harding and after searching 
 for him an hour he was found asleep behind a bat. 
 "Bones" is a heady player who is built for speed. 
 Joe Simpson tried out in the left garden and after 
 
 —12— 
 
watching Joe, both in the field and at bat, I still 
 claim he is a FIRST CLASS CHAUFFEUR. The 
 feature of the work-out was the home run clout of 
 ''California Jim" Conroy. Jim slammed the horse 
 hide pill to the right field. Johnnie Fee, who was 
 on watch in the right garden, evidently caught the 
 alarm wrong, for he was late in getting started. 
 Johnnie's bewilderment undoubtedly assisted "Cali- 
 fornia Jim" to fatten his batting average, but four 
 bases without a stop is a home run just the same. 
 "Red" Calvin was plug man and he caught 'em in 
 great shape. His peg to second was a trifle uncer- 
 tain, but his whip will improve with work. "Bull 
 Eye" Flynn worked all positions and is good any- 
 where he works. Duffy Ford and "Buger" Sayers 
 (pinch hitters) refused to work out on account of 
 the cool weather. There was considerable wind 
 and they were afraid the dust would injure their 
 batting eye. "Noisy" Leslie worked one inning at 
 the half-way station, but professional jealousy be- 
 tween he and "Bones" Harding resulted in a heated 
 argument and Leslie withdrew mumbling threats 
 to himself. While playing the initial station "Spit 
 Ball" Holder picked up a small bright wheel, appar- 
 ently out of a watch. "Railroad Jack" Grippin sug- 
 gested it may have worked out of the "Nobody 
 Home" Hill's head the day before, but after some 
 discussion "Pig Nose" Clark convinced them that 
 nothing that large or that bright ever came out of 
 "Tode's" head. 
 
 The wheel still remains a mystery. Workouts 
 will continue every morning but Sunday, weather 
 and humane society permitting. 
 
 'TICK UP" LOWE'S RETREAT. 
 
 "Pick Up" Lowe at police headquarters 
 
 Called Costello to one side 
 And said, "I think I'll pick a crew 
 
 To go out and stem the tide 
 Of this bunch of fighting Germans 
 
 In the European war. 
 Where those foreigners are fighting 
 
 And no one knows what for." 
 
 "I made up a list last Sunday 
 
 Of the men I want to take. 
 And my bunch will fight like wild cats 
 
 If there's anything at stake. 
 I've got Mogle and 'Tex' Beekman, 
 
 There's a pair who love to fight — 
 When I do a thing, Costello, 
 
 I attempt to do it right." 
 
 —13^ 
 
"I want you and also Hoppes, 
 
 And I want to take Tom Leen — 
 A dozen men is all I need 
 
 To wipe the slate up clean. 
 Charlie Lorton is a good man ; 
 
 He's a thoroughbred — dead game, 
 But I hate to speak to Charlie 
 
 For he has a German name." 
 
 "I will take 'Big Bob' McKibbin, 
 
 And I'll also take 'Snake' Chess. 
 We will change this situation — 
 
 If we don't I'll miss my guess. 
 Seargeant Lyons and 7^"^' Cashin, 
 
 Tegenkamp and 'Bear' LaFrance 
 Is enough to clean the Germans 
 
 With just half a fighting chance." 
 
 "Pick Up" called a special meeting 
 
 And the men were all on hand — 
 Every copper swore allegiance 
 
 To the plucky little band. 
 They all agreed this warfare 
 
 Was a detriment and curse ; 
 Then 'Tick Up" Lowe appointed 
 
 "Daddy Bell" as Red Cross nurse. 
 
 "Pick Up" said, "We leave tomorrow, 
 
 Bid your friends farewell tonight — 
 I will pace the floor all night, men, 
 
 I'm that anxious for a fight." 
 Tom Leen said, "I'm with you, pardner, 
 
 I'm a man that hates to boast, 
 But I hope they put our pictures 
 
 In the Kansas City Post." 
 
 At five o'clock next morning 
 
 They were rolling on their way — 
 Every man was on his mettle, 
 
 No one had a word to say. 
 As the train pulled out of Parsons 
 
 "Pick Up" wore a look of dread 
 When he heard shouts of defiance 
 
 Coming from the car ahead. 
 
 He called a man across the aisle 
 
 And Asked, "What's all that noise?" 
 The stranger answered, "I don't know, 
 
 But THINK it's COLLEGE boys." 
 The conductor heard them talking 
 
 And said, "College boys— not much— 
 The car ahead of this one 
 
 Is jammed plumb full — of Dutch." 
 
 —14- 
 
"They've been singing all their war songs 
 
 All the way along the line — 
 That's their favorite they're singing now; 
 
 It's called 'Die Wacht Am Rhein/ 
 They have got a thousand rifles 
 
 And ten machine guns there — 
 Why, they'd riddle me with bullets 
 
 If I asked them for their fare." 
 
 "They have killed nine men this morning." 
 
 "Pick Up" waited for no more; 
 He turned to see his army 
 
 Rushing headlong for the door. 
 Above their shouts for "gang way" 
 
 He heard the crash of glass 
 And the voice of Tom Leen yelling 
 
 "Stand back there — let me pass." 
 
 Hoppes screamed above the tumult, 
 
 "Pick a soft spot out to drop— 
 You are like a lot of rummies 
 
 Waiting for the train to stop." 
 "Pick Up" joined his fleeing VN^arriors, 
 
 And they silently trudged back. 
 When a kid yelled, "What you doin'?" 
 
 "Pick Up" said, "Inspecting track." 
 
 DUFFY'S SUBSTITUTE. 
 
 The fire boys at 3 house 
 
 Were sitting out in front 
 W^here "Pap" Callahan was telling 
 
 Of an aviator's stunt 
 He had seen at Elm Ridge race track 
 
 About five years ago 
 When the man on watch caught an alarm 
 
 And bellowed — "It's our go." 
 
 They made the run (a short one) 
 
 To Berger avenue 
 Where a negro church caught fire 
 
 From an old defective flue. 
 The boys put out the fire 
 
 And slowly started back, 
 When they heard the strains of music 
 
 Coming from the ruined shack. 
 
 They stopped, and Ross King whispered, 
 
 "Say, boys, that sure is queer." 
 Frank Stack said, "I feel creepy — 
 
 Is everybody here?" 
 "Buger" Sayers checked the men up 
 
 And his face was pale and drawn 
 As he turned to Stack and mumbled, 
 
 "Why Duffy Ford is gone." 
 
 —15— 
 
They crept back to the building 
 
 And peeping through the door 
 They could see through partial darkness 
 
 Duffy's helmet — on the floor. 
 Ford was seated at the organ 
 
 With his slicker 'cross his knees 
 And the strains of "Rock of Ages" 
 
 Floated out upon the breeze. 
 
 The next day Duffy told the boys 
 
 Of when he used to play 
 In a little country chapel 
 
 In Slabtown, Iowa. 
 'T was quite a church man then, boys, 
 
 And was sure a winning bet — 
 Say — old timers in that hamlet 
 
 Talk about my playing yet." 
 
 'T had an awful line of salve 
 
 And often led in prayer; 
 I had the parson on my hip — 
 
 Yea, Bo — but I was there. 
 Say, I made Billy Sunday 
 
 Lay aside his ball and bat. 
 I got so strong in my home-town 
 
 They let me pass the hat." 
 
 "Things were looking pretty rosy ; 
 
 I had everything my way, 
 But the parson and a deacon 
 
 Met me on the street one day, 
 And the parson said, 'Dear brother, 
 
 We kept a check last night 
 And the hat was short a dollar ; 
 
 We have fears that all's not right." 
 
 " 'Deacon Jones put in a quarter — 
 
 Sister Parker did the same. 
 I put in a marked half dollar — 
 
 Tm not saying who's to blame. 
 Brother Clark put in two buttons — 
 
 It was YOU who passed the hat 
 And these items turned up missing ; 
 
 How do you account for that?" 
 
 " 'Well,' I said, T'll tell you, parson, 
 
 This looks like a double cross. 
 It is nothing but a brace game, 
 
 But of course you are the boss. 
 And if you say it's the hardware 
 
 All I've got to say is — shoot!' 
 'Well,' he answered, 'all right, brother, 
 
 I will name your substitute.' " 
 
 -16- 
 
Ross King said, "I'll tell you, Duffy, 
 
 I'd a knocked that parson cold 
 If he came right out in public 
 
 And inferred that I had stold." 
 Duffy answered, "Well, the parson 
 
 Didn't say it just like that, 
 But, they got a one-armed fellow 
 
 To come in and pass the hat." 
 
 NITROGLYCERINE. 
 
 Pat Hurley pushed his hat back 
 
 And his face broke in a grin 
 When they handed him a bottle 
 
 "Eddie" Edwards had turned in. 
 Pat is now the chief custodian 
 
 Of all articles found on cars, 
 And conductors turn in everything 
 
 From nails to Mason jars. 
 
 It is a part of Hurley's duty 
 
 To take this stuff in hand 
 And deliver it to headquarters. 
 
 To the office, down on Grand. 
 Well, they handed Pat this bottle. 
 
 And Pat was much perplexed ; 
 He scratched his head and murmured, 
 
 "WHAT will they find NEXT?" 
 
 "Yesterday I had a crowbar 
 
 And the day before, a knife ; 
 Why, one man phoned me just today 
 
 That he had lost his wife. 
 He described her as a woman 
 
 Who was tall, black haired and thin. 
 I had to promise him I'd call him 
 
 If a conductor turned her in." 
 
 Pat had left his glasses hanging 
 
 In the pocket of his coat ; 
 He tossed the Httle bottle up 
 
 As he walked out to a "goat." 
 Julius Dean called out to Hurley, 
 
 "What you doing — playing ball?" 
 Pat said, "No, Dean, I'm a juggler ; 
 
 I'm rehearsing, that is all." 
 
 Then Pat handed Dean the bottle 
 
 And he gasped for breath as Dean 
 Read aloud the flaring label, 
 
 "NITROGLYCERINE." 
 Dean said, "Say, Pat, don't jar this. 
 
 If you drop it, it's 'Good Night,' 
 Why this is ten times stronger 
 
 Than a ton of dynamite." 
 
 -17- 
 
"Handle that stuff mighty gently 
 
 When you go to lay it down, 
 There's enough dope in that bottle 
 
 To blow up half the town; 
 When you take that to the office 
 
 Be sure a SAFE man runs the car, 
 For there'll be no more Wyandotte 
 
 If that bottle gets a jar." 
 
 You would think Pat had the palsy; 
 
 He trembled like a leaf 
 As he said, "I'll tell you what. Dean, 
 
 This dang job is full of grief." 
 The next morning Pat caught Swanson's car 
 
 And he took a long, deep breath. 
 And he said, "Be careful, Swanson, 
 
 For ONE JAR means instant DEATH." 
 
 When "Yon" stopped at the North Western, 
 
 Pat said, "Wait a minute, boss. 
 Those tracks are mighty rough, "Yon," 
 
 And I'd rather walk across." 
 Swanson almost hit a wagon, 
 
 Pat's face grew white as chalk 
 As he said, "Stop easy, Swanson, 
 
 I think I'd better walk." 
 
 Pat took off his shoes and hid them, 
 
 Then started down the street ; 
 He concluded there would be less jar 
 
 If he walked it in sock feet. 
 The custodian at headquarters 
 
 Said (as Pat came in the door), 
 "Take your *turn ins' to the next room, Pat, 
 
 And toss 'em on the floor." 
 
 "Toss 'em ? Man, you're crazy ! 
 
 You're the worst I've ever seen. 
 If I toss This on the floor, 'Good Night,' 
 
 This is nitroglycerine." 
 The custodian put some on his tongue 
 
 And his smile changed to a grin. 
 As he said, "It's 'You' that's crazy. 
 
 This is good, old, Holland Gin." 
 
 I GETS 'EM KID DAPS ME. 
 
 Roy Broadhurst down at Number 3 
 
 Was talking to the bunch 
 As he picked the chili from his teeth 
 
 (He had just returned from lunch) 
 When it comes to tossing out the slang 
 
 Roy is champion of today. 
 Here's exactly what he told the boys 
 
 In his own peculiar way. 
 
 —18- 
 
"Say, youse boneheads drive me dippy 
 
 Wid yer insane line o 'bunc, 
 An yer prattle's to de bad Bo, 
 
 Can dat mouldy line o' junk 
 When it comes ter judgin' killers 
 
 An ter pickin' ladies joys 
 Just lay yer bets on Willie, 
 
 I'm de noise kid — I'm de noise," 
 
 "Wy, youse haven't got a look in 
 
 Wid de chickens of today, 
 An yer w^heeze is out o' date Pal ; 
 
 On yer way kid, on yer v^ay, 
 I makes 'Lightnin' Rhoades de speed king 
 
 Look like he was standin' still ; 
 All he sees is just me tail light 
 
 Disappearin' o'er de hill." 
 
 "Dere's Bob Patterson at Number 1 
 
 Who's been travelin' some of late. 
 But when youse pikes me record 
 
 Youse'U know dat Storm's a skate, 
 When it comes ter coppin' chickens 
 
 Say, youse guys ain't one-two-three. 
 An youse has ter mitt your truly 
 
 Per I gets 'em kid — dat's me." 
 
 "Denver Seventy' tinks he goes some 
 
 But dis mutt aint in me class, 
 I could cut a leg off kiddo 
 
 An still go by dis four flush glass. 
 When it comes ter being pop'ler 
 
 Wid de dolls Bo, hully gee, 
 Derrick yer kelly ter me old timer 
 
 Per I gets' em kid — dat's me." 
 
 "One day off I spend wid Maggie 
 
 An de next one goes ter Lou ; 
 On me way ter lunch I chatters 
 
 Wid me ever lovin' Sue, 
 When it comes ter handlin' soft stuff 
 
 Youse old timers ain't a ting 
 I has a waitin' list old settler 
 
 Dat is longer dan a string." 
 
 "So on yer way youse pikers 
 
 Wid yer insane line o' bunc, 
 Youse are like a lot o' sailors 
 
 Who are out upon a drunk 
 Per I had a record, kiddo, 
 
 Dat 'ud make youse climb a tree. 
 An youse has ter bow ter me Bo, 
 
 Per I gets 'em kid — dat's me." 
 
 —19— 
 
NOBODY HOME. 
 
 The firemen at headquarters 
 
 Were lounging in their chairs, 
 When a newly married couple 
 
 Started up the office stairs. 
 They went in to see McNarrey, 
 
 Saying, "We're just looking 'round 
 And we'd like to see your quarters 
 
 Before we leave the town." 
 
 "Jack" answered, "It's a pleasure, 
 I'd be glad to show you through. 
 
 But I'm covered up with office work 
 And if it's all the same to you 
 
 I will send a good man with you- — 
 A man who knows this game — 
 
 A fellow called 'Nobody Home,' 
 
 Mr. HILL is this gent's name." 
 
 "Jack" called "Tode" Hill and told him 
 
 To show them through the place. 
 During all this time the lady 
 
 Wore a smile upon her face. 
 "Tode" grew worried as he watched her 
 
 Underneath her picture hat, 
 And softly mumbled to himself, 
 
 "What's that hoosier laughing at?" 
 
 "I've a question I would like to ask," 
 
 The lady said to "Tode"— 
 "Tode" shifted his position 
 
 As he answered, "Well, unload." 
 " 'Nobody Home' 's a funny name. 
 
 Why do they call you THAT?" 
 "Tode" answerd, "That's a nickname. 
 
 Just let it go at that." 
 
 "That bunch of rookies you folks passed 
 
 When you started up the stairs 
 Will hang a nickname on a man. 
 
 And they do it unawares. 
 Now, while we're on the subject, 
 
 See that first big corn fed 'wop?' — 
 His name is Arthur Schleiffer, 
 
 But he's known 'round here as 'Drop'. 
 
 "When that guy sees an empty chair 
 
 He simply has to flop ; 
 Someone dubbed him 'Dropsy,' 
 
 And for short we call him 'Drop.' 
 That little fellow next to 'Drop' 
 
 Is known as 'Joplin Grit ;' 
 That guy's a hard boiled baby. 
 Always up against the bit." 
 
 —20— 
 
''The man who's sitting next to 'Jop/ 
 
 That wears a life sized grin, 
 With a jaw that looks like Sunny Slope, 
 
 Is Baker — nicknamed 'Chin.' 
 The next man's 'Lame Duck' Simpson, 
 
 And the next one, 'Railroad Jack;' 
 The next one's 'Sausage' Cooper, 
 
 Also known as 'Bible Back'." 
 
 "The next man's 'Wild Duck' Patterson, 
 
 And the one against the wall 
 Is 'Jimmie' Ball — a veteran, 
 
 Called 'The Daddy of 'Em AIL' 
 The man you see across the street — 
 
 That guy that just turned 'round, 
 Is 'Spit Ball' Holder — he was named 
 
 For his work upon the mound." 
 
 "Well, isn't that peculiar?" 
 
 The girl said, with a laugh, 
 "I'd think they'd change YOUR nickname 
 
 And call you 'Phonograph.' " 
 "Tode" answered, "Talk low, lady; 
 
 If that bunch hears what you say 
 They will act on your suggestion 
 
 Before you get away." 
 
 "Now, I'll show you folks our quarters," 
 
 But the lady shook her head. 
 After whispering to her husband 
 
 She turned to "Tode" and said, 
 "We've learned enough and thank you 
 
 For the interest you have shown. 
 But you belong upon a FARM — 
 
 Good-day, 'Nobody Home.' " 
 
 THE INDIGNATION MEETING. 
 
 An indignation meeting 
 
 Was held at Lyons' hall 
 By street car men and firemen. 
 
 Who sent out a general call 
 For all who had a grievance 
 
 To report that night at eight 
 And they swore the Jack o' Diamonds 
 
 Would surely meet his fate. 
 
 "Yon" Swanson from the "L" road 
 
 Made the opening address; 
 Joe Simpson started out to find 
 
 "Jack" Hippie of The Press; 
 John Conaty and Pat Hurley 
 
 Sat in silence by the door. 
 With their automatic shotguns 
 
 Resting on the floor. 
 
 —21— 
 
George Koeffler made a long address, 
 
 In which he said, "Mine friends, 
 Dere comes a time, by golly, 
 
 Ven dis foolishness must end." 
 ''Fuzzy" Merry (village blacksmith) 
 
 Yelled, "You're right, my friend, you're right, 
 But be on your guard or Hippie 
 
 Will out-talk you guys tonight." 
 
 "Blaze" Glass displayed a "black jack" 
 
 When told of Hippie's pull 
 And said, "J'll knock his block off 
 
 If he goes to 'shootin' bull.' " 
 Bob Bowman then "laid out his line," 
 
 And the crowd sent up a shout 
 When he cursed the Jack o' Diamonds 
 
 For letting Armstrong "beat him out." 
 
 "Yon" Swanson called for Patterson, 
 
 Who had gone down to the street ; 
 "Chime" Baker yelled up from below, 
 
 "Bob is soaking his sore feet." 
 George Fuller, from a window. 
 
 Yelled, "Sit steady in the boat, 
 Here come's Simpson with 'Jack' Hippie ; 
 
 Now don't let him get your goat." 
 
 "Jack" Hippie, smiling pleasantly, 
 
 Then shook hands all around ; 
 Pat Hurley clenched his fist and said, 
 
 "The boys are losing ground." 
 George Kennedy of the "L" road 
 
 Then made a short address, 
 Introducing Mr. Hippie, 
 
 The owner of The Press. 
 
 Kennedy said, "Now, Mr. Hippie, 
 
 What these men want to know 
 Is why you let the Jack o' Diamonds 
 
 Ridicule the people so? 
 We're not holding you responsible 
 
 For the writing of this verse. 
 But I warn you now, if this keeps up. 
 
 Someone will need a hearse." 
 
 Mr. Hippie said, "Why, gentlemen, 
 
 I am really surprised. 
 To talk to you is a pleasure 
 
 That is seldom realized. 
 And I hasten to assure you 
 
 That I do not think it right 
 To abuse the Jack o' Diamonds 
 
 As you men have done tonight." 
 
 =-22-. 
 
"I assure you he means no offense, 
 
 And I say, Avith much regret. 
 You are hasty in accusing 
 
 A man whom few have met. 
 I cannot reaHze you men, 
 
 Of such vast intelHgence, 
 Are so hasty to condemn a man 
 
 With a feehng so intense." 
 
 Pat Hurley nudged John Conaty 
 
 And said, "Put up your gun; 
 I told you that 'J^-ck' Hippie 
 
 Would have them on the run." 
 "Jap" Runner from the "L" road 
 
 Yelled to Hippie, "You are right." 
 "Blaze" Glass started down the stairway, 
 
 As he bellowed back, "Good-night." 
 
 NOT FOR THEM. 
 
 WANTED— Auto polo chauffeurs, 
 With clear and steady eye — 
 
 We prefer men who are slender ; 
 No timid need apply; 
 Must work with open "cut out," 
 Without fender or a shield. 
 
 All applicants report today 
 At Gordon-Koppel field, 
 
 "Smoke" Dearduorf, up at 1 house, 
 
 Sat straight up in his chair 
 As he perused a hand bill. 
 
 With his fingers in his hair. 
 He finally got up, saying, 
 
 "THAT work is where I shine — 
 No more fire apparatus. 
 
 It's the POLO game for MINE." 
 
 "Smoke" went in to see McNarrey 
 
 And said, "Chief, just look at this; 
 Here is one chance of a lifetime — 
 
 It's a chance I hate to miss." 
 "Jack" looked the hand bill over. 
 
 He read it through and through, 
 Then turning to "Smoke" Dearduorf 
 
 He said, "That's up to you. 
 
 "If you think you want to try it 
 I'll let you off today" — 
 
 And fifteen minutes later 
 
 "Smiling Smoke" was on his way. 
 
 "Smoke" met Joe Simpson on the car 
 And sung out, "Howdy, Bo, 
 
 I thought that you were at home in bed- 
 Say, where you going, Joe?" 
 
 —23— 
 
"O, I was rather restless, 
 
 So I thought I'd take a ride. 
 Ever since I played that game o' ball 
 
 I've been troubled with my side." 
 Simpson had a hand bill in his hand 
 
 And Dearduorf said, "Say, Joe, 
 I'll bet you've got a secret 
 
 That you don't want me to know." 
 
 Joe smiled and said, "I'll tell you, 'Smoke,' 
 
 I am really on my way 
 To try out for a polo job 
 
 That I hope to land today." 
 "Smoke" answered, "Well, old timer, 
 
 So am I — won't it be fun? 
 This new game's ready money — 
 
 Good-bye to No. 1." 
 
 When they walked into the office 
 
 Of the auto polo man 
 "Smoke" did the talking for the two, 
 
 And the boss explained the plan 
 Of trying out the drivers. 
 
 Joe looked back in the hall 
 Where a pile of canes and crutches 
 
 Were stacked against the wall. 
 
 Joe pulled "Smoke's" sleeve and whispered, 
 
 "Say, 'Smoke,' just look out there." 
 "Smoke" felt a cold chill running 
 
 From his heels up to his hair. 
 "Is that a roll of carpet 
 
 Lying out there in the hall?" 
 The man shook his head and answered, 
 
 "Nope— BANDAGES— that's all." 
 
 "You see, we have to keep those things, 
 
 We need them every day — 
 Four men are busy all the time 
 
 Carrying injured men away. 
 But it's a fascinating game, boys; 
 
 You will like it after while." 
 "Smoke" turned to look at Simpson, 
 
 With a weary, sickly smile. 
 
 Joe whispered, "TELL him something." 
 
 Then, in an undertone, 
 "Smoke" said, "STAY WITH ME, Simpson, 
 
 Don't leave me here alone." 
 They brought a cripple in the room. 
 
 With a gash across his face. 
 The boss said, "All right, Dearduorf, 
 
 Go out and take his place." 
 
 —24— 
 
Joe Simpson edged toward the door, 
 
 "Smoke" rumpled up his coat 
 As he looked down at the cripple, 
 
 With a big lump in his throat. 
 The man said, "Where you going? 
 
 You have only once to die." 
 "Smoke" answered, "Nothing doing. 
 
 We're going home — good-bye." 
 
 A PHONEY HUNCH. 
 
 Chief Gordon at headquarters 
 
 Was closeted alone 
 With "Cap" Fleming for an hour. 
 
 Talking in an undertone; 
 Men on duty at the station 
 
 Uneasily paced the floor, 
 While "Cap" Snyder sat in silence, 
 
 With his gaze on Gordon's door. 
 
 Cold sweat stood on Snyder's forehead 
 
 As he shifted in his chair; 
 This secrecy was maddening. 
 
 There was something in the air. 
 Captain Fleming, looking worried. 
 
 With a warrant in his hand. 
 Screamed at Snyder, "Get me twenty 
 
 Of your best men — understand?" 
 
 "Remember, I want men of courage 
 
 Of the very highest grade; 
 Have them here in twenty minutes 
 
 And get ready for a raid. 
 The men can ride the wagon. 
 
 We're not going very far, 
 And have Jack Jenkins meet me 
 
 At the door with Gordon's car." 
 
 Snyder answered, "All right. Captain, 
 
 Rest assured Fll do my part; 
 I will have the men all ready 
 
 In ten minutes for the start." 
 Captain Flemming called up Sergeant Biggs, 
 
 In charge of No. 3, 
 "Have 'Handsome Jack' and 'Toadstool Bob' 
 
 Report at once to me." 
 
 They reached their destination 
 
 And "Cap" Fleming whispered low, 
 "Surround the house — get ready — 
 
 And await the signal, 'GO.' " 
 Clarence (Motorcycle) Ryan 
 
 For years had tried his best 
 To figure out a method 
 
 That was different from the rest. 
 
 —25— 
 
Fleming gave the men positions, 
 
 Placing Ryan out in front. 
 Clarence spied a yawning coal hole 
 
 And he murmured, "J^st the stunt." 
 Without waiting for the signal, 
 
 With a hasty glance around. 
 He sat down on the sidewalk 
 
 And slowly started down. 
 
 He got down to his armpits. 
 
 Where he wedged in and stuck fast; 
 He found he couldn't budge an inch 
 
 And time was flying fast. 
 He felt 'round for a foothold 
 
 In the darkness down below. 
 Then he heard the coppers rushing in 
 
 As Fleming shouted, ''GO." 
 
 They loaded up the wagon 
 
 And slowly started back, 
 When everyone was startled 
 
 By the voice of "Handsome Jack." 
 "Jack" shouted, "Wait a minute, 
 
 We are one man shy here, 'Cap.' 
 I don't see Clarence Ryan, 
 
 "Perhaps he fell into a trap." 
 
 "Toadstool Bob" went back and found him 
 
 And the cops sent up a shout. 
 Then called the hook and ladder 
 
 Down at 3's to get him out. 
 Captain Fleming called the ambulance. 
 
 And with a sheepish grin. 
 Assisted by two coppers, 
 
 Ryan slowly clambered in. 
 
 Chief Gordon sent for Ryan 
 
 And said, "You may explain 
 Whether you were full of "two per cent" 
 
 Or just naturally insane?" 
 "Well, ril tell you, Mr. Gordon, 
 
 I tried to beat 'em to the punch, 
 Thinking it would help my standing, 
 
 But I had a phoney hunch." 
 
 "DANCING NOBLE." 
 
 Henry Noble of the "L" road 
 
 Went to see "In Old Kaintuck," 
 Where he saw the pickaninnies 
 
 In their famous "Mobile Buck." 
 Henry always did like dancing, 
 
 Though he never learned the art, 
 And he'd often said, "Fd like to learn, 
 
 But it's too late now to start." 
 
 —26- 
 
When the final act was over 
 
 Henry sat as in a trance, 
 With his thoughts in old Kentucky, 
 
 And still wishing he could dance. 
 His wife said, ''Let's go, Henry," 
 
 And he nodded, with a smile, 
 Then startled all those near him 
 
 When he started up the aisle. 
 
 He lit out and went to dancing 
 
 And the crowd looked on aghast 
 As Henry cut the "Pigeon Wing" — 
 
 The pace was getting fast. 
 He threw his coat away and yelled, 
 
 "Just watch yer Uncle Sid; 
 ril show you high browed critters 
 
 I'm the single-footin' kid." 
 
 There was no such thing as stop him 
 
 When he "threw her on full head." 
 He screamed, "I'll make the schedule 
 
 Or they'll carry me out dead." 
 His right foot was a dandy 
 
 And it set an awful pace. 
 While the left foot was contented 
 
 To just hang back and "fill space." 
 
 They could hear his "motors whining" 
 
 When he did the "catfish glide," 
 As he yelled, "If you don't like it 
 
 You can lump it — durn your hide; 
 I don't have to hunt a 'short rail,' 
 
 Durn ye — I can make the time. 
 And if I don't catch my leaders, Bub, 
 
 They shore will have to climb." 
 
 A man yelled, "Some one stop him," 
 
 And above the awful din 
 Henry screamed out, "Quit yer kiddin'. 
 
 What you doin' — breakin' in? 
 I'm a dancin' baby, stranger. 
 
 Bet on me, kid — I can't lose. 
 And I'll show you ginks some dancin' 
 
 Tf I don't 'blow out a fuse.' " 
 
 Men were shouting, ladies fainted; 
 
 Henry slackened up the pace. 
 Then the look of fright and worry 
 
 Slowly left his wife's pale face. 
 Henry settled down, exhausted, 
 
 And the crowd sent up a shout, 
 As Mrs. Noble smiled and said, 
 
 "Thank God— 'the power's out.' " 
 
 r~27— 
 
DAVE GOSNEY'S SHOPPING TRIP. 
 
 *Tee Wee" Gosney of the "L" road 
 
 Had been worried here of late 
 And his friends could see him losing flesh 
 
 At a most alarming rate. 
 He was peevish and sarcastic 
 
 As he said, "To save my life 
 I can't decide on what to buy 
 
 As a present for my wife." 
 
 "Next Thursday is her birthday, 
 
 And I don't know what to get ; 
 I began to figure 'way last month 
 
 And I am figuring yet." 
 His motorman suggested leaving 
 
 The decision to a clerk, 
 Saying, "They will help you, Tee Wee,' 
 
 For that's THEIR line of work." 
 
 "Pee Wee" finally decided 
 
 To take his friend's advice, 
 Saying, "I must get a present 
 
 Appropriate and nice." 
 He started for the city, 
 
 Still wondering what to get, 
 And soliciting opinions 
 
 From acquaintances he met. 
 
 Dave left the car at Main street 
 
 And started for a store. 
 But his heart began to fail him 
 
 When he got inside the door. 
 He saw a "stocking dummy" 
 
 And a flush came o'er his face, 
 His feet felt big and awkward — 
 
 "Pee Wee" sure felt out of place. 
 
 A floorwalker approached him 
 
 In a business sort of way, 
 And smiling blandly questioned, 
 
 "Something for YOU today?" 
 "Pee Wee" sideled up and told him. 
 
 And Dave stood with quaking knees. 
 When he heard the big floorwalker call, 
 
 "Miss Jones, one moment, please." 
 
 He introduced Miss Jones to Dave, 
 
 Then left them in the aisle. 
 With Dave feeling mighty awkward 
 
 Basking in Miss Jones' smile. 
 Then Dave whispered, confidentially, 
 
 "Miss Jones, I'm in a fix, 
 I want a present suitable 
 
 For a lady of twenty-six." 
 
 r-28-r 
 
Miss Jones said, "Kid, I got cha, 
 
 I can fix you, betcher life. 
 Now, is this for a lady friend? 
 
 Or is it for your wife?" 
 Dave said, "Why, for my WIFE, of COURSE, 
 
 Why, who ELSE could it be?" 
 She turned a scornful face and asked, 
 
 "Say, are you KIDDIN' me?" 
 
 Dave assured her he meant business. 
 
 And she said, "All right, but then 
 I want to tell you it's some job 
 
 To dope out you STREET CAR men. 
 Now, I'd like to get your lineup : 
 
 Would you like a painted dish? 
 Or, I have some swell silk stockings 
 
 I'll show you if you wish." 
 
 Dave blurted out, "Say, listen, 
 
 You don't understand me right; 
 I came in to make a purchase 
 
 And not to see the sights. 
 My time. Miss Jones, is limited. 
 
 Furthermore, I do not care 
 A thing about you personally 
 
 Or the hosiery you wear." 
 
 Miss Jones said, "On the level, 
 
 To kid YOU would be a shame." 
 Then she shouted to a salesgirl, 
 
 "Did you hear this 'midget,' Mayme?" 
 She turned to Dave and said, "Say, kid. 
 
 Get THIS dope through your block, 
 Take a tip from one that knows, kid. 
 
 Buy her something she can't hock." 
 
 "Now is this skirt a chicken, 
 
 Or is she just home spun?" 
 That's as far as Miss Jones ever got, 
 
 "Pee Wee" left her on the run. 
 He went back home, discouraged, 
 
 And threw his money down, 
 Saying, "Buy yourself a present, dear. 
 
 The next time you go to town." 
 
 THE IDEA THAT DIDNT PAY. 
 
 E. P. Staten, train dispatcher 
 
 For the "Leavenworth," scratched his head. 
 "I'm tired of this monotony, 
 
 I may as well be dead ; 
 They tell me there is talent 
 
 'Mongst the boys that's simply fine. 
 I'll get V. M. Combes to help me. 
 
 And we'll let them show their line." 
 
 —29— 
 
Ed 'phoned J. W. Richardson 
 
 And told him of his plan. 
 The "big supe" said, "All right, Ed, 
 
 I will help you all I can ; 
 It will bring the men together 
 
 In a social sort of way, 
 Inspiring good fellowship — 
 
 It's an idea that should pay." 
 
 Ed at last arranged his program, 
 
 Then arranged to rent a hall — 
 The largest one in Wolcott, 
 
 With seating room for all. 
 They held the last rehearsal, 
 
 Staten's face was all aglow 
 As he mailed the invitations 
 
 For the big home talent show. 
 
 J. G. Herrin was announcer. 
 
 And, with long claw-hammer coat, 
 He walked before the curtain. 
 
 Swallowed hard — then cleared his throat. 
 "Folks, Fm not a real performer, 
 
 I've been marked up to assist. 
 We have fourteen on the program, 
 
 Besides the extra list." 
 
 "The first thing on the blackboard 
 • Is a song by J. R. Glenn 
 Called 'When the Travel's Heavy 
 
 And the Company's Short of Men;' 
 J. E, Marquis and George Eaton 
 
 Pull off a brother stunt, 
 A sketch written by Dave Johnson, 
 
 Entitled 'Up in Front.' " 
 
 J. M. Sessions (Fourth street agent) 
 
 Yelled, "We're ready, let 'er go ; 
 We didn't come to hear you rave, 
 
 We came to see the show." 
 Herrin bowed and walked off awkwardly 
 
 And 'midst deafening cheers and yells 
 The curtain shot up skyward 
 
 As J. G. Carter gave two bells. 
 
 Glenn seemed to have poor power — 
 
 He stopped and cleared his throat. 
 He was feeling for the sand punch 
 
 As he rumpled up his coat. 
 He twisted, squirmed and fidgeted, 
 
 With his eyes upon his shoes. 
 John Fitzpatrick bellowed loudly, 
 
 "Slip that 'simp' a ribbon fuse." 
 
 —30— 
 
Frank Hodge began to giggle, 
 
 Willis Martin yelled, ''You're gone;" 
 Homer Ford screamed out, "He'll make it 
 
 If you put his trolley on." 
 J. W. Richardson arose 
 
 And walked across the hall. 
 He looked at Glenn, then shouted, 
 
 "He is grounded — that is all." 
 
 Herrin came before the audience 
 
 And said, "Let me explain; 
 We'll be running in a moment — 
 
 We have sent for Harry Kane. 
 Remember, this delay, friends, 
 
 Could be a whole lot worse." 
 Then the audience arose and yelled, 
 
 "Good-night, nurse !" 
 
 They slowly filed out of the hall. 
 
 As they hurled back taunts and jeers; 
 Ed Staten (the promoter) 
 
 Couldn't check the flow of tears. 
 He sobbed out, "Mr. Richardson, 
 
 My idea didn't pay." 
 Mr. Richardson said, "Don't cry, Ed ; 
 
 We will find some other way." 
 
 NARROW ESCAPES. 
 
 You'se belch erbout yer narrer scapes 
 
 In a way ter make me weep ; 
 Wy, I've had nutten but dem kind 
 
 Since I first begins ter creep. 
 Youse never had a head end 
 
 An' if youse ever left de track 
 You'd run so fer it ud take six weeks 
 
 Fer youse ter hike it back. 
 
 I was breakin' on de Tip Up 
 
 On de local, in de swing, 
 We was battin' 'em out o' Keokuk 
 
 In a way ter make youse sing. 
 I was standin' on a sixty foot, 
 
 We was crossin' a ravine 
 Dat was two miles ter de bottom, kid. 
 
 When I looks up an' seen 
 
 A cow upon de right o' way 
 
 A-headin' fer de track — 
 I just let's go an' hits de grit 
 
 Wid out once lookin' back. 
 Lookin' down in dat ravine 
 
 Was like lookin' in a well 
 An' I says ter myself, says I, 
 
 "Yer a dead 'un, shore as h " 
 
 —31- 
 
It tuk me forty seconds, Bo, 
 
 Ter fall dat two mile route, 
 An' it was fully seven blocks 
 
 To de nearest passage out. 
 I turns over tirty thousand times 
 
 And lights upon me knees ; 
 I could see de sun a shinin' 
 
 Where I comes down tru de trees." 
 
 I bounced around among de rocks 
 
 Den gets upon me feet 
 An' outside of a bruise er two 
 
 And de loss o' two front teet 
 I was just as good as ever 
 
 Wid me joints a workin' loose, 
 So up I hikes — tears around. 
 
 An' ketches de caboose." 
 
 De connie says, "Now see here, Bill, 
 
 I'm a guy wot never raps 
 But yer in de swing — not on behind 
 
 An' yer got ter do yer laps." 
 Den I shows 'im where me teet was gone 
 
 An* I tells 'im 'bout me fall 
 He says, "Next time, ketch de middle. Pal, 
 
 Er don't git on a tall.' 
 
 DIPLOMAT GIBSON. 
 
 Detective Walter Gibson 
 
 (The copper diplomat) 
 Removed with care his tan kid gloves 
 
 And his black fedora hat; 
 He laid aside his walking stick 
 
 And dusted off his shoes. 
 Then smiled up at the Sergeant 
 
 As he ventured, "What's the news?" 
 
 "The 'Big Chief wants to see you 
 
 And he's all ablaze to-day — 
 Slip up easy on him, Walter, 
 
 And be careful what you say. 
 He is on his bad behavior — 
 
 Everybody's walking chalk. 
 And here's a tip — old timer — 
 
 Cut that dictionary talk." 
 
 "O ! thank you, Mr. Snyder, 
 
 You have made it very clear. 
 I shall call upon the chief, sir. 
 
 Without the slightest fear, 
 You should call him Mr. Gordon, 
 
 Your grammar is at fault — 
 Address all men as Mister!" 
 
 Snyder answered : "All right, Walt." 
 
 —32- 
 
The chief was very busy 
 
 So the diplomat sat down ; 
 Then suddenly the 'Big Chief turned 
 
 On Walter with a frown, 
 Saying, "Gibson, here's a warrant 
 
 For a man named Barney Flynn, 
 He is wanted as a forger, 
 
 Go out and bring him in." 
 
 "Thank you, Mr. Gordon, 
 
 Thank you very much — good day," 
 Then picking up his walking stick 
 
 He started on his way. 
 Barney Flynn was playing poker, 
 
 A man asked Gibson in — 
 Walter bowed and said, 'T thank you, 
 I have called for Mr. Flynn." 
 
 Walter strolled up to the table 
 
 Where the men were playing cards. 
 As Barney growled "Make room there 
 
 For another feller — pards." 
 "No, gentlemen, I thank you, 
 
 I do not play the game; 
 I am from police headquarters, 
 
 Mr, Gibson is my name." 
 
 "I trust you'll pardon this intrusion 
 
 And I regret to say 
 That Mr. Flynn must leave you. 
 
 He is going far away. 
 The state of Indiana 
 
 Has requested his arrest 
 On the serious charge of forgery — 
 
 I assure you it's no jest." 
 
 Barney sat with mouth wide open, 
 
 Staring at the diplomat. 
 Walter said : Fm in a hurry, 
 
 Mr. Flynn, go get your hat." 
 Barney shook his head and mumbled 
 
 "You must be a suffraget! 
 I have seen queer coppers in my time. 
 
 But you're the queerest yet." 
 
 "We shall not discuss that subject 
 
 Just at present, Mr. Flynn, 
 I am just obeying orders 
 
 Of the chief to bring you in 
 When he handed me the warrant 
 
 'Bring him in' — was all he said. 
 You have your preference, Mr. Flynn, 
 
 Shall you go alive — or dead?" 
 
"Nothin' doin' in the dead line — 
 
 Trot along, son! Trot along! 
 You are sure a queer one, Kiddo, 
 
 But I'm with you — right or wrong." 
 Arriving at the station 
 
 Walter ushered Barney in, 
 Saying: "This is Mr. Snyder — 
 
 Mr. Snyder, Mr. Flynn." 
 
 Snyder bellowed, "All right, fellows, 
 
 Get around and search that Mutt, 
 If he offers to resist you. 
 
 Just bat 'im on his nut." 
 Barney said, "Well, that's more like it, 
 
 Now I know where I am at, 
 Say 'Bull' who was that 'gum shoe?' " 
 
 Snyder answered: "Diplomat!" 
 
 SANTA WAS GOOD TO THE FIREMEN. 
 
 Santa made his annual visit 
 
 And the boys are smiling yet 
 While the all absorbing question 
 
 Is— "Hello— What did you get?" 
 On a trip to all the houses 
 
 Made a day or two ago, 
 I found the bunch all happy, 
 
 With their faces all aglow. 
 
 Chief McNarrey got a nozzle, 
 
 "Lindy" got a length of hose. 
 Bert Dill got a fountain pencil, 
 
 Bradshaw got a suit of clothes; 
 Joe Simpson got a parrot, 
 
 That can sing a song in dutch; 
 John Conaty got a music roll 
 
 "Crip" Abrahams got a crutch. 
 
 "Chime" Baker got a pair of oars 
 
 For his new motor boat; 
 Art Schleifer got a mandolin, 
 
 Mike Gorman got a goat; 
 George Fuller got a leather cap. 
 
 The best I've ever seen; 
 "Blaze" Glass (The flying wonder) 
 
 Got a pint of gasoline. 
 
 Maurice Merry got a hammer 
 
 "Jimmie" Ball — a dinner pail, 
 Dan O'Donnell got a tooth brush, 
 
 "Ugly" Clark — a heavy veil ; 
 "Sleuth" McCuUough got false whiskers, 
 
 And a wireless telegram ; 
 While Santa left Bob Patterson 
 
 A fourteen pound smoked ham. 
 
Tim Morrisey got a clay pipe, 
 
 Jacobson got a pint of booze, 
 And Santa Claus left "Pickie" Bell 
 
 A pair of running shoes. 
 "Giby" Gibson was presented 
 
 With a set of building blocks; 
 "June'' Marshall got a hair net, 
 
 And Ralph Smith — a pair of socks. 
 
 Barrington got a pair of goggles, 
 
 Lee Morgan got a gun, 
 "Buger" Sayers got a corset 
 
 "Pap" Callahan got a "bun ;" 
 Sam Nichols got a hair brush, 
 
 Lee Hobin got a hat, 
 "Tubby" Williams was remembered 
 
 With a box of anti-fat. 
 
 "Dennie" Sheehan got a Bible, 
 
 "Foxy Grandpa" got a wig, 
 "Noisy" Leslie got a damper, 
 
 And a book on "How to Jig." 
 "Sticks" Conroy received a picture 
 
 Of a fire scene called "Relief;" 
 "Stokie" Hill received a pension 
 
 With best wishes of the chief. 
 
 Grover Carpenter got a medal, 
 
 Made of pig iron and concrete; 
 Frank Stack got his "patent" papers 
 
 And it took him off his feet. 
 "Warbler" Broadhurst got a chicken, 
 
 Jim McCaulley got a tie. 
 While Bob Maher got a bracelet 
 
 And a bottle of "Clarke's Rye." 
 
 John McLean received a helmet 
 
 Arthur Dudley got a vest, 
 August Asplund got this message 
 
 From old Sweden : "Go your best, 
 "Tate" Hanson got a mouth harp, 
 
 Leo Nichols got a drum, 
 Jodie Williams got a rifle. 
 
 To keep 'spooks' upon the run. 
 
 "Pierpont" Morgan got a bathrobe 
 
 That certainly was a peach ; 
 "Big Ben" Armstrong and Bob Bowman 
 
 Got a flannel shirt, each; 
 Fred White got a bright red sweater, 
 
 "Guinea" got a pair of dice. 
 Captain Jones — a pair of glasses, 
 
 And a case of "Bud" on ice. 
 
 —35— 
 
Tommy Drummey got a cradle, 
 
 "Buck" Buckhalter got a knife, 
 ''Storm" Blake got a box of stogies; 
 
 Frank McCoy? He got a wife. 
 Jimmie Wall — a woolen blanket. 
 
 To keep out the winter breeze ; 
 Walter BemoU was remembered 
 
 With some rare limburger cheese. 
 
 Frank Reynolds got a match box, 
 
 Walter Merry got a flag. 
 Harry Calvin got a curry comb, 
 
 Joe Lukens got a jag, 
 Walter Laverach got a hat pin, 
 
 *Teet" Quinlan got a fife, 
 Fred Bruns and Harry Powers 
 
 Got the book, "A Fireman's Life." 
 
 Harry Watson got a fiddle, 
 
 Hanson got a Teddy Bear, 
 
 Jack Gallagher got a phonograph, 
 
 Roy Sinclare — a lock of hair. 
 Lieutenant George received a go cart, 
 
 Aaron Smith a shaving mug, 
 "Bones" Harding got a field glass 
 
 And Ed Coleman got a rug. 
 
 "White Mule" Deal — a pair of handcuffs. 
 
 "Sausage" Cooper got a fan. 
 While a warship in the minature 
 
 Was presented to Koran. 
 "Tode" Hill got an opium lay out. 
 
 Some one sent Moran a hod, 
 Swingley got a porous plaster, 
 
 Ben Rhoads got a lightning rod. 
 
 EASY MONEY. 
 
 When Joe Fisher of the "L" road 
 
 Signed off the other night 
 He said to Frankie Wittcraft; 
 
 "I am feelin' out o' sight 
 I overheard two fellows 
 
 Talking in the vestibule 
 When we were coming west last rtip 
 
 About a game of pool." 
 
 "I used to be some pumpkins 
 
 At the game of pool — myself 
 I've sent many would be champions 
 
 To the discard on the shelf 
 Those fellows got me all worked up 
 
 And to-night I think I'll blow 
 To the city for a scout around 
 
 And pick up some easy dough." 
 
Frankie answered : Save your money 
 
 You may run against a snag," 
 Joe said : "Nothing like that, Frankie, 
 
 While I do not wish to brag 
 I will tell you that Tve started 
 
 With one dollar in my jeans, 
 And when Fd saunter home that night 
 
 Fd have a hundred beans." 
 
 Joe borrowed fifty dollars 
 
 That evening — from his wife 
 Saying: — *'F11 lay off to-morrow. 
 
 And we'll have a taste of LIFE, 
 When I get through with Johnnie Kling, 
 
 Bennie Allen and that bunch 
 We'll invite our friends to join us 
 
 At the Baltimore — for lunch." 
 
 Joe stood at Ninth and Main awhile 
 
 Then started up the hill 
 As he fumbled in his pocket 
 
 For his fifty dollar bill. 
 He heard the click of pool balls 
 
 And with an eager grin 
 He read the sign : "THE MONARCH," 
 
 Said : "That's me" — and hurried in. 
 
 Joe rushed up to a table 
 
 And threw his money down, 
 As he bellowed : "There is fifty 
 
 With a challange to the town," 
 A smooth faced, pleasant fellow 
 
 Stepped up to Joe and said : 
 "Put your money in your pocket — 
 
 Go home and go to bed." 
 
 Joe raised his voice and shouted : 
 
 "Say — where'd you get that bunc? 
 I came in here to clean the sharks; 
 
 You talk like I was drunk. 
 Say, Kid — trot out your Cracker Jack, 
 
 Fll show HIM that I'm no fool; 
 I'll bet fifty bucks I beat him 
 
 One hundred points — straight pool." 
 
 The little fellow answered : 
 
 "Go get yourself a cue, 
 I will play you for your fifty 
 
 As I've nothing else to do." 
 They lagged for break — Joe Fisher lost 
 
 And broke them with a smile, 
 Saying: "There they are, get what you need, 
 
 I'll get MINE, kid— after while." 
 
 —37— 
 
Joe began to grow uneasy 
 
 As the small man 'run 'em down.' 
 When the referee called : "Forty-nine" 
 
 Joe's smile changed to a frown 
 The referee called: *'Ninety-eight," 
 
 Then, "Ninety-nine and game." 
 Joe called the referee and asked : 
 
 "Say — what is that guy's name?" 
 
 The referee smiled and answered : 
 "There's his picture on the wall; 
 
 He is known as 'Cowboy' Weston, 
 Ex-champion of them all. 
 
 Joe slowly put his coat on; 
 
 Weston called : "Time off on ten." 
 
 Then he turned to Fisher, saying: 
 "Glad I met you — call again." 
 
 WHEN BUCK KAUFFMAN TAMED THE CAT. 
 
 Ed Hawkins (from the West Side line) 
 
 "Signed off" the other night, 
 Then paused a while to listen 
 
 To the story of a fight. 
 Dave Luke was telling George Green 
 
 Of a fight long years ago 
 In County Mayo, Ireland, 
 
 Where they battle toe to toe. 
 
 Hawkins listened for a moment, 
 
 Then he said, "Say, listen, Dave, 
 I've been standing here ten minutes 
 
 Listening to you rant and rave; 
 Why, I've seen more real fighting 
 
 On the 'West Side' in one night 
 Than you've seen in all your life time — 
 
 Real old knock down, dragout fights." 
 
 "I remember one tough baby 
 
 Got on our car one night 
 Four corn rows cross the shoulders 
 
 And his middle name was 'Fight.' 
 When Steve Johnson went to get his fare 
 
 He looked up with a scowl, 
 Saying, 'I'm a screaming wild cat, kid, 
 
 And this is my night to howl.' 
 
 "Back yonder in Montana 
 
 They call me 'Rough House Dick ;' 
 I'm hog wild an' I'm pizen 
 
 An' I come from 'Bitter Crick.' 
 I ain't a'skeered o' nuthin' 
 
 That kin walk, hop, jump er creep; 
 I drink out of a cow track 
 
 An' I climb a tree to sleep." 
 
 —38- 
 
"Vm the toughest galoot in Wyandotte ; 
 
 I've eat 'em alive fer years, 
 An' the bell upon an ambulance 
 
 Is sweet music to my ears. 
 If you coyotes are huntin' trouble, 
 
 Peel yer duds — that's whar I shine. 
 I've cut ten throats this evenin', Gents, 
 
 An' street car men's my line." 
 
 "If yer hankerin' for a murder, 
 
 Just stay right whar you are ; 
 It won't take me but a minute 
 
 To make a hearse out of this car. 
 Send yer last word to yer widder, 
 
 Tell her that a big galoot 
 Is sizin' up yer wind pipe 
 
 An' whettin' his bowie on his boot." 
 
 ''Steve Johnson stood there shakin' 
 
 And pulling at his vest 
 As he stammered, 'Glad to meet you, 
 
 Glad to have you as our guest, 
 I hope you stay a long time 
 
 And you can ride this goat 
 'Till the wheels wear to the axles. 
 
 But please, don't cut my throat.' " 
 
 " 'Buck' Kauffman (working extra) 
 
 Flagged me down at Riverview ; 
 He'd run out of transfers and he said, 
 
 'What you doing — running through? 
 Then I stepped up close and whispered 
 
 Of the passenger inside 
 Who was pining for a murder 
 
 And who wouldn't pay to ride." 
 
 " 'Buck' took off his coat and changer 
 
 And laid aside his cap 
 As he bellowed, 'I'm a demon, 
 
 And I'm looking for a scrap.' 
 He rushed in to the 'Wild Cat' 
 
 And grabbed him by the throat 
 Then things began to happen 
 
 In that little 'West Side Goat.'" 
 
 "I could hear the 'Wild Cat' wheezing 
 
 As he struggled for his breath 
 And I heard him faintly murmur, 
 
 'Please don't choke a guy to death. 
 Here's yer nickel — What's yer hurry? 
 
 I won't skeer you any more.' 
 Kauffman said, 'I'll let you go, kid, 
 
 After I mop up this floor." 
 
 —39— 
 
"My conductor never waited 
 
 For the finish of the fray 
 But ran to police headquarters 
 
 Fourteen blocks away. 
 He returned with fifty coppers, 
 
 Fearing for 'Buck' Kauffman's fate. 
 Kauffman said, 'Give me some transfers ; 
 
 Hurry on, Steve, I am late." 
 
 WHEN "SPIT BALL" HOLDER SAVED THE 
 DAY. 
 
 Ed Holder (working extra) 
 
 Was sitting down at 3's 
 With an old time sporting annual 
 
 Lying across his knees. 
 "When I read this it reminds me 
 
 Of when I played league ball, 
 When I saved the day for Anson, 
 
 Fifteen years ago, last fall." 
 
 "I'd hurt my ankle, sliding home 
 
 And I sure was feeling blue 
 Sitting 'round the Auditorium 
 
 With nothing at all to do. 
 The mayor of Chicago 
 
 Saw me early in the day 
 And said, 'Why, Hello, Holder, 
 
 Let's go see the White Sox play.* " 
 
 "Well, we went out to the ball park 
 
 (The mayor had a box) 
 And I sat awhile and chatted 
 
 With 'Cap' Anson of the Sox. 
 'Cap' told me on the quiet 
 
 That his pitching staff was lame 
 And offered me five hundred bucks 
 
 To go in and pitch the game.'* 
 
 " 'Cap' had a classy lineup, 
 
 But his pitching staff was weak ; 
 He was playing against a picked team 
 
 That was simply one blue streak. 
 'Kid' Nichols and Hugh Jennings 
 
 Were two that played that day 
 And two more, as fast as lightning, 
 
 Were McGraw and Von Der Aye." 
 
 "When 'Cap's' team went out for practice 
 
 Half the grandstand was in tears ; 
 They'd never seen 'Cap's' team so slow 
 
 And crippled up in years. 
 'Cap' had bet the family jewels 
 
 And I saw right from the start 
 The way 'Cap' sat and worried 
 
 He was surely losing heart." 
 
 —40— 
 
"At the close of the first inning 
 
 The score stood six to one, 
 With the picked team winning easily; 
 
 It looked like 'Cap' was done. 
 'Cap' staggered over to my box, 
 
 Pulled me down and whispered, Say, 
 For the love of heaven. Holder, 
 
 Go in, and save the day.' " 
 
 "I said, 'I've got a world of speed 
 
 And wouldn't mind a spurt 
 But I'm afraid, 'Cap,' to cut loose 
 
 For someone will be hurt.' 
 'Cap' said, 'I'll take a chance, Ed; 
 
 If there's a law suit, I'll stand pat, 
 And I've got a dead swell catcher, Kid, 
 
 To work behind the bat.' " 
 
 " 'Ten Thousand Dollar' Kelly 
 
 Was billed to catch that day. 
 And I said to 'Cap,' 'Take Kelly out 
 
 And I'll go in and play.' 
 I didn't want to hurt him 
 
 So they took him out, and Krupp 
 Went in as Kelly's substitute 
 
 And I went out to warm up." 
 
 "Once again I warned 'Cap' Anson 
 
 Of my terrific speed. 
 He said, 'I've got to work you, Ed ; 
 
 You're just the man we need.' 
 I wound up for the first one 
 
 And the umpire yelled. Strike one ! 
 I saw the catcher on the ground 
 
 And knew that he was done." 
 
 "The ball went through his catching mitt. 
 
 And tore off his left hand; 
 Then hit the ground behind him 
 
 And went out through the stand. 
 It hit the curbstone just outside 
 
 And took a nasty bound. 
 Then hit a city water plug 
 
 And broke it off, right at the ground." 
 
 "When the water from the broken plug 
 
 Broke through I heard a shout ; 
 The police used life preservers 
 
 To get the people out. 
 The grounds were under water 
 
 And the clubhouse was afloat ; 
 We took the catcher to high land 
 
 In Anson's motor boat.*' 
 
 —41— 
 
"McGraw rowed to 'Cap' Anson 
 
 And forfeited the game, 
 While a dozen sporting writers 
 
 Clamored loudly for my name. 
 I looked at that poor catcher, 
 
 Writhing on the ground in pain ; 
 I swore off playing ball right there 
 
 And never played again." 
 
 THE FIREMEN'S ANNUAL BALL. 
 
 The twentieth of November 
 
 Was THE big night of all, 
 For that's the night the firemen 
 
 Held their Eleventh Annual Ball; 
 There was a brushing up of uniforms, 
 
 Everybody wore a smile, 
 For that's one time the "laddies" 
 
 Like to do things up in style." 
 
 'Tap" Callahan led the Grand March 
 
 And "Pap" was at his best ; 
 He walked until his tongue hung out 
 
 Upon his fancy vest. 
 "June'' Marshall begged for mercy 
 
 And called to Patterson, 
 "For the love of Mike tell Callahan 
 
 This is no marathon." 
 
 "Jakie" Jacobson and Art Schleifer 
 
 (A graceful, winsome pair) 
 Were ushered from the ball room 
 
 For doing the "Grizzley Bear." 
 Between the dances Conaty 
 
 Sang, "When the State Was Wet," 
 Assisted in the offering 
 
 By the "Tom Cat Male Quartette." 
 
 Hugh McCullough came in smiling 
 
 And every one arose 
 Hugh yelled, Jack Gallagher now will sing, 
 
 "Where the River Shannon Flows." 
 Theodore Hanson and Sam Nichols 
 
 Besieged Secretary Dill 
 To find them both a partner 
 
 For an Arkansaw quadrille. 
 
 They had to tie Lee Hoben 
 
 When Arch Clark got up to sing, 
 "When the Slush is in the Gutter 
 
 And We Feel the Breath of Spring." 
 Dan O'Donnell told Lee Morgan 
 
 That he'd spring a big surprise 
 When the bunch of classy dancers 
 
 Went to waltzing for a prize. 
 
 —42— 
 
Chief McNarrey took precautions, 
 
 And before the big prize dance 
 He ordered five physicians 
 
 And the auto ambulance. 
 Walter Bemoll climbed upon the stage 
 
 And screamed so all could hear, 
 "We need ladies for the prize waltz ; 
 
 Who will volunteer?" 
 
 A lady standing near him said, 
 
 "If it comes down to the worst 
 I'll take a chance, but I wouM like 
 
 To see my partner first." 
 Walter then led Harry Watson out 
 
 And the lady said to Dutch, 
 "I refuse, because I can't afford 
 
 To buy myself a crutch." 
 
 "Dutch" then introduced Walt Leverach 
 
 And asked, "How does he look?" 
 And the crowd smiled as the lady 
 
 Said, "Ye gods, man, get the hook." 
 He next offered Harley Gunnerson 
 
 And the lady shouted loud, 
 "I said I might dance with a man, 
 
 But nix. Bo, on that crowd!" 
 
 Harry Powers was disgusted 
 
 When things began to drag 
 And yelled, "You can't get ladies, 
 
 Let the prize waltz be a stag." 
 Ralph Smith agreed with Harry 
 
 And they sent for "Jimmie" Ball, 
 Then gave him these instructions, 
 
 "Order crutches for them all." 
 
 "White Mule" Deal and Henry Swingley 
 
 Were a likely looking pair 
 And tied up for first honors 
 
 With Cooper and St. Clair. 
 Andrew Hanson and Frank Reynolds 
 
 Looked to be the second choice 
 And were getting stretched out nicely 
 
 When they heard McNarrey's voice. 
 
 "Call it off — there is no winner; 
 
 I insist it is not right 
 To stand here and see our money 
 
 Going as it is tonight. 
 Just remember you'll be draining 
 
 Our treasury to the dregs 
 Paying out our needed money 
 
 For a lot of broken legs. 
 
 -43— 
 
The dancers, breathing heavily, 
 
 Were led off with a frown 
 To a waiting delegation 
 
 Detailed to rub them down. 
 At ''Home, Sweet Home,'' the crowd all stood 
 
 And gave three rousing cheers, 
 Agreeing this eclipsed all balls 
 
 Held in the previous years. 
 
 "THAT DURNED OLD HOUN' DAWG SONG." 
 A Wail From Arkansaw. 
 
 IVe been listnin' to Missourians 
 
 Howlin' 'bout that houn' dawg song. 
 They're losin' lots o' needed sleep 
 
 Tryin' ter find whar it b'longs. 
 Now we uns here in Arkansaw 
 
 Have grievances enough 
 Without a-bein' hampered 
 
 With that fool line o' stuff. 
 
 You uns talk about hill billies 
 
 An' one gallus hackensacks. 
 But durn yer hides, thar hain't no moss 
 
 A sprouting on our backs. 
 All yer high ferlutin' fiddlers 
 
 Said the durned song was a fright, 
 'Twas a case a feedin' nonsense 
 
 To a Wagner appetite. 
 
 Now we uns don't know Wagner, 
 
 An' we don't care a cuss. 
 Fer the Arkansaw Traveler, Mister, 
 
 Is good enough fer us. 
 You may wish that song on Tennessee, 
 
 But listen ; durn yer craw, 
 Don't try ter land that tar heel song 
 
 Down here in Arkansaw. 
 
 You uns say that here in Arkansaw 
 
 Water is a drug. 
 You uns also claim our razorbacks 
 
 Eat cabbage from a jug. 
 We'll take that, stranger; yes, siree, 
 
 Fer we want to git along; 
 But durn yer pesky livers. 
 
 Keep yer durned old houn' dawg song. 
 
 -44- 
 
"HIS RECORD." 
 
 Say, youse guys tink yer brakies, an' de way youse 
 
 toss de bunc, 
 U'd do credit to old timers who were out upon a 
 
 drunk ; 
 Wy wid all dis Janey system, niakin' couplins is 
 
 a cinch, 
 An' any kid could do it, or a woman, in a pinch. 
 
 Youse only broke on dis one jerk an' youse tink 
 
 dat youse are it; 
 But say, I've got a record dat u'd make youse 
 
 trow a fit ; 
 I hits de old Panhandle when I was just fourteen. 
 An' I've been riden ever since, an' dat's no round 
 
 house dream. 
 
 I blows de pike at seventeen, an' hits de Tip Up 
 
 route. 
 But tings got mighty puney, an' so I steps down 
 
 an' out ; 
 Den I clinches de Lake Erie, but de local was so 
 
 tough, 
 Dat after two good paydays youse can bet I had 
 
 enough. 
 
 De J. S. E. an' P. D. 8z E. were both one round o' 
 
 hell. 
 An' I gets wise to all dem guys on de C. P. S. T. L. 
 De Burlington looked good to me, but one cold 
 
 rainy day, 
 Dey slaps me on a work train, an' I goes an' draws 
 
 me pay. 
 
 Wy I broke on de Rock Island, when youse was 
 
 but a kid, 
 Dere was no bats in me belfry, ner no crevice in 
 
 me lid ; 
 But we broke in two near Davenport, an' de com- 
 
 p'ny stops me pay. 
 So out I hikes an' gets a job upon de C. & A. 
 
 De Big Four an' de Wabash, Frisco, Katy, San Fe, 
 De Maple Leaf, Northwestern, an' de Q. O. & 
 
 K. C, 
 De U. P. an' de Mo. P. are all upon me list, 
 An' I'm here to apologize to any road I've missed. 
 
 De Grand Island, K. C. Southern, de I. C, I. M. S., 
 De Choctaw Oklahoma Gulf, de Orient an' de rest ; 
 An' den de Denver Rio Grande, an' all de big lines 
 
 on de sphere, 
 An' if youse kin beat dat record Kid, come up an' 
 
 get a beer. 
 
"THE SPOOKS." 
 
 Jodie Williams, out at No. 5, 
 
 Has never been inclined 
 To be the least bit superstitious. 
 
 But you must bear in mind 
 That there are some rare occasions 
 
 When a man will glance around 
 With a sort of creepy feeling, 
 
 At an unfamiliar sound. 
 
 Jodie took his turn on night watch, 
 
 (This was quite a while ago). 
 The men retired early 
 
 And the time passed mighty slow. 
 Jodie soon grew tired of reading 
 
 And began to walk the floor. 
 Stopping now and then to fill his pipe 
 
 And glance out of the door. 
 
 But he soon grew tired of walking 
 
 And had once more sought his chair. 
 When he started, as he thought he heard 
 
 A footstep on the stair. 
 He found he was mistaken 
 
 Then he lit another light, 
 As with roving eyes he murmured, 
 
 "This is sho' a lonesome night." 
 
 The minutes seemed like hours ; 
 
 Everything was still as death, 
 Joe was conscious of a wheezing 
 
 Every time he took a breath. 
 Something moved inside the closet, 
 
 Jodie thought he'd surely drop 
 As he listened — and his heart beats 
 
 Sounded like a boiler shop. 
 
 He tip-toed to the closet 
 
 And peeped in through a crack, 
 As he felt the cold chills chasing 
 
 One another up his back. 
 He saw a grain sack moving 
 
 And was sure he heard a sound. 
 He turned and cleared the wagon 
 
 And the harness in a bound. 
 
 He rushed into the bedroom 
 
 With a deafening, frightened yell. 
 Everybody went to dressing; 
 
 They were sure they heard the bell. 
 Fred White screamed out, "What's the mat- 
 ter? 
 
 Morgan yelled, "Where is it, Joe?" 
 Jodie clung onto Bob Bowman 
 
 As he stammered, "Down below.'' 
 
Jones could see Joe was excited 
 
 And he grasped him by the arm 
 As he asked, "Say, what is wrong, Joe, 
 
 Did you catch that last alarm?" 
 Jodie said^ "There is no fire. 
 
 But I'll tell you it's no fun 
 To see 'spooks run all around you 
 
 When you haven't got a gun." 
 
 All the men stood there in silence 
 
 As Joe told them what he'd seen; 
 How he saw a "spook" with whiskers 
 
 That were six feet long — and green. 
 He had seen it in the closet, 
 
 "It is hard, boys, to believe. 
 But when I heard it moanin' 
 
 It was time for me to leave." 
 
 Captain Jones said, "Wait a minute, 
 
 I will take a look around. 
 I was on watch just last night, Joe, 
 
 And I didn't hear a sound 
 That was anything unusual. 
 
 Come on, 'Guinea,' get a stick." 
 "Guinea" answered, "Boss, I'd like to, 
 
 But to tell the truth, I'm sick." 
 
 Jones went down to search the closet 
 
 For the cause of all the noise ; 
 Jodie shook his head and ventured, 
 
 "He'll be back directly, boys." 
 The captain called the bunch down, 
 
 Then they laughingly went back; 
 Jodie's "spook" was just a kitten 
 
 Playing with a burlap sack. 
 
 "BILL SMITH'S ANNIVERSARY." 
 
 Bill Smith was talking to Bill Kane 
 
 At Riverview one day; 
 He said, "I finished my twenty-first year 
 
 On the West Side last May. 
 I wish you'd arrange a party 
 
 Of some kind for the boys. 
 I have only this suggestion: 
 
 I must have a lot of noise." 
 
 Bill Kane pulled at his briar 
 
 As he said, "I'll do it Bill; 
 There is lots of talent 'mongst the boys; 
 
 I'll arrange for vaudeville." 
 A trio from the West Side, 
 
 Kaufman, tenor; Newhart, bass 
 And Patterson singing baritone 
 
 Were marked up to fill space. 
 
 --47— 
 
They gave a grand performance 
 
 Almost without a hitch ; 
 CharHe Floreke tried a toe dance 
 
 But he slipped and split a switch. 
 Abe Hoshaw sang a ballad, 
 
 "When the bells begin to chime," 
 But the schedule was a short one 
 
 And Abe couldn't make the time. 
 
 Bill Trembly walked into the hall 
 
 After looking down the street 
 And asked Harry Lynn — the audience — 
 
 To take a forward seat. 
 'There's not very many riding, 
 
 "But we'll give the show for you." 
 Harry Lynn said, "I'm the janitor, 
 
 Please hurry and get through." 
 
 Wittcraft gave an imitation 
 
 Of "Eliza on the ice" 
 With George Miller as the baby, 
 
 Which alone was worth the price. 
 John Swanson with a monologue 
 
 Then backed out on the track; 
 Crane thought John couldn't make it, 
 
 So he promptly turned him back." 
 
 Dave Luke and Hughie Kelly 
 
 Were "marked up," but they "missed," 
 Then "Jap" Runner called Steve Johnson, 
 
 Who was on the extra list. 
 Steve started like a work train. 
 
 Geo. Koeffler flagged him down 
 Then the audience awoke and said, 
 
 "Bring on Steinbeck and Frank Brown." 
 
 Frank and "Abe" pulled off some daffodills; 
 
 Tommy Tomlinson yelled, "Punk," 
 George Green then made the sign board read, 
 
 "Comedians — Shoup and Funk." 
 They "threw her over on full head" 
 
 To sing a song in Dutch. 
 George Kennedy yelled, "You fellows, 
 
 "Are as funny as a crutch." 
 
 Jerry Simpson tried a "cart wheel," 
 
 But his rear trucks left the track; 
 Pat Hurley soon was on the job 
 
 With replacers and a jack. 
 Joe Smith, the "L Road Hermann," 
 
 Then took a case of beer 
 And, assisted by Joe Swearingen, 
 
 He made it disappear. 
 
 r-48~ 
 
Al Decker and Joe Fisher 
 
 With a tambourine and bones 
 Put on a "minstrel first part," 
 
 Assisted by "Boge" Jones. 
 Dean then tried the "Jelly Wobble," 
 
 With his team mate, Charlie Brown, 
 And they made the time 'till Carmody, 
 
 Pulled their trolley down. 
 
 While Harrison and Hartzell 
 
 Posed as "Cupids" in pink tights 
 Ed Hawkins signaled Poling, 
 
 To cut out all the lights. 
 They gave Bill Smith a corn cob pipe 
 
 And Earl Swope said, with a bow, 
 "We'll give you a sack of Durham, Bill, 
 
 Twenty years from now." 
 
 "THE LOST OPPORTUNITY." 
 
 "Pierpont" Morgan out at Number 5 
 
 Let his waist band out a notch. 
 As he sought a new position 
 
 In a tiresome night on watch. 
 The men were upstairs sleeping, 
 
 And "Pierpont" lit his briar, 
 But laid it hastily aside 
 
 When he heard some one yell, "Fire." 
 
 Three times the voice yelled "Fire," 
 
 Then everything was still. 
 "Pierpont" saw a red reflection 
 
 Around the corner on the hill ; 
 He rushed out to the corner. 
 
 Took one look and then rushed back. 
 He woke the men and told them 
 
 'Twas the Jack O'Diamonds shack. 
 
 They argued with each other 
 
 As to what was best to do. 
 Bob Bowman said, "Pd let it burn 
 
 But Jones, it's up to you." 
 Theodore said, "I hardly know, boys. 
 
 Whether to make the run or not. 
 Let's play a game of dominoes. 
 
 Then go up and save the lot." 
 
 "Jodie" AVilliams called Joe Simpson, 
 
 (Doing watch at Number 1) 
 Joe Simpson said, "Pll turn it in, 
 
 And let 'em all in on the fun." 
 Stokie Hill at number 3 house 
 
 Then said he had a scheme, 
 "Pour the chemical from your Babcocks 
 
 And fill 'em with gasoline." 
 
 -49— 
 
Tom Drummy out at Number 6 
 
 Then cut in on the line 
 And said, "I have a scheme boys, 
 
 That I think will work out fine." 
 Let "Ones" and "Twos" and "Fours" and "Fives' 
 
 Run half way up the street, 
 Then every one yell, "Howdy, Jack, 
 
 How do you like the heat?" 
 
 "Buger" Sayers said, "I'll tell you, 
 
 Let everybody go. 
 Let's turn out in a body; 
 
 The more the merrier, you know. 
 We'll form in line at the Boulevard 
 
 And before the start is made 
 Send him word to keep his eye peeled 
 
 For the Labor Day parade." 
 
 "Big August" said, "I'll tell you what 
 
 Would be a lot of sport, 
 Send word that all our ladders, 
 
 Are seven feet too short." 
 Aaron Smith said, "while you're at it, 
 
 Why not do the thing up right. 
 Let's gather 'round the flames and sing 
 
 "A hot time in the old town tonight." 
 
 Everybody had suggestions 
 
 That they thought would work out fine ; 
 George Koran, the (wireless expert) 
 
 And the pride of Number 9 
 Agreed to flash this message, 
 
 To settle all the row, 
 "Get your writing material ; 
 
 You can write a hot one now." 
 
 They argued half an hour 
 
 , Then the chief cut in and said, 
 
 "You have waited too long, now, boys. 
 
 Cut it out and go to bed." 
 Blaze Glass cursed the whole department, 
 
 For passing up the bet. 
 As he went to bed he murmured, 
 
 "Never mind, we'll get him yet." 
 
 —50— 
 
"THE *U ROAD TWINS." 
 
 It was pay day on the "L" road 
 And the bunch all gathered 'round 
 A mighty pile of money 
 That lay heaped upon the ground — 
 They were betting with a vengeance, 
 Everything from coin to pins 
 As to which one was the largest 
 Of the "L" Road twins. 
 
 Some betting it was Buehler 
 While others took the stand 
 That the other twin (George Miller) 
 Was the largest in the land. 
 Elum Funk and C. O. Edwards 
 Booked the bets as they were made 
 With the temperature of the excited crowd 
 Two hundred in the shade. 
 
 The bets had been recorded 
 
 And the mob sent up a wail, 
 
 Where, O where, in all creation 
 
 Will we ever find a scale 
 
 That will weigh these mighty monsters? 
 
 That is what we'd like to know. 
 
 Then Carmody suggested, 
 
 "Take 'em to a hay scale, Bo." 
 
 Hugh Kelly run the Line car out 
 
 To load the money on 
 
 While Bill Trembly covering "Boge" Jones' bet 
 
 Put his fur coat into pawn. 
 
 They started for a hay scale 
 
 With the twins to set the pace 
 
 With a look of utter confidence 
 
 Upon each contestant's face. 
 
 George Miller's friends searched Buehler, 
 For they feared he'd try to cheat. 
 They emptied out his pockets 
 And piled the contents in the street. 
 The cry of ''cheater" rent the air 
 As they piled junk on the ground. 
 Bert Morrison kept official check 
 And this is what they found : 
 
 Three switch bars and a Stilson w^rench. 
 
 Two pair of loaded dice, 
 
 A screw driver; a pair of pliers 
 
 And a combination vice, 
 
 Three pocket knives ; a bunch of keys 
 
 Were next upon the list 
 
 Then twenty ribbon fuses 
 
 And a piece of Granger Twist. 
 
 —51— 
 
One sheet of coarse sand paper, 
 A gold watch and a fob, 
 One dozen carbon brushes 
 Were next shown to the mob. 
 Four photographs of women, 
 One sweat pad for his hat, 
 One bottle of Peruna 
 And a box of Anti-Fat. 
 
 They gathered all the scale weights 
 
 And they put them into place 
 
 As Frank walked on the hay scale 
 
 With a smile upon his face. 
 
 The scales trembled for a moment 
 
 As the beam began to rise 
 
 Then it fell a twisted, broken mass 
 
 Before the watchers' eyes. 
 
 Then they tried the county coal scale 
 
 But it wouldn't stand the strain 
 
 5o they got the twins together 
 
 A.nd started out again. 
 
 Over at the Griffin wheel works 
 
 Miller thought he'd have a try 
 
 And as he stepped upon the scales 
 
 The bunch all heaved a sigh. 
 
 The scales wavered for a moment 
 
 Then there cam.e a mighty crash 
 
 And what was once a first class scale 
 
 Was now a lot of trash. 
 
 They called the bets off and dispersed, 
 
 And it's dollars. Bo, to pins 
 
 They'll never know the true weight 
 
 Of the "L" Road twins. 
 
 LORENZO'S BACK AGAIN. 
 
 In honor of the return of Lorenzo D. Hutchin- 
 son, the popular drug dispenser at Tom Lilley's. 
 
 Armourdale is all excitement, 
 
 Folks are running to and fro 
 With joyous shouts of laughter, 
 
 And their faces all aglow; 
 With a look of rare contentment 
 
 They are singing this refrain: 
 "Let Joy Unbounded Reign Supreme," 
 
 For "Hutch" is back again. 
 
 -52- 
 
The town is draped in bunting, 
 
 Flags float upon the breeze, 
 Dogs bark with joyous pleasure 
 
 And the birds up in the trees, 
 Warble carols of rare sweetness; 
 
 People hasten to explain 
 That every day's a holiday 
 
 Since "Hutch" is back again. 
 
 Crowds throng the streets at Lilley's, 
 To get a glimpse of ''Hutch" — 
 
 Americans, Italians, 
 
 Irish, Greek and Dutch, 
 
 Nationality is forgotten; 
 
 They howl like they're insane 
 
 As they shout in countless numbers ; 
 "Lorenzo's back again." 
 
 Old folks sit on their porches, 
 
 And keep time with their feet, 
 While young folks dance the Tango 
 
 In the gaily lighted street; 
 The young men whisper love tales 
 
 To the sweetheart at his side. 
 As they sway to stirring music 
 
 Of the new "Lorenzo Glide." 
 
 The famous strains of Wagner 
 
 To these folks are very mild, 
 But whistle the Arkansaw Traveler 
 
 And you set the whole town wild; 
 They have a drove of "razor-backs" 
 
 In a shale rock briar pen. 
 In Shawnee Park — and all because, 
 
 Lorenzo's back again. 
 
 "Tom" Lilley has the hand cramp 
 
 From shaking people's hands; 
 You cannot hear the car bells 
 
 For the music of the bands. 
 There's a sign in Lilley's window, 
 
 "A cure for all your ills. 
 Two bits a box, friends — while they last, 
 
 For the new Lorenzo Pills." 
 
 They are naming all boy babies 
 
 For the idol of the town ; 
 If you ask, "Who is this fellow?" 
 
 They will freeze you with a frown. 
 Everything is free in Armourdale, 
 
 From real estate to law. 
 To anybody hailing 
 
 From the state of Arkansaw. 
 
 —53— 
 
Politics have been forgotten, 
 
 And a man to be in style 
 Must adopt the Southern dialect 
 
 And the great ''Lorenzo" smile. 
 People spending their vacations 
 
 Hurry back by special train, 
 It's a rousing, great home-coming week- 
 
 For "Hutch" is back again. 
 
 THE CRAP SHOOTING KID. 
 
 George Fuller up at "One" house, 
 
 Had the whole bunch on his hip 
 As he told them of a crap game 
 
 He had on a hunting trip. 
 It happened just a year ago, 
 
 And Fuller's telling yet 
 How he started on a nickle 
 
 And cleaned up every bet. 
 
 "We were in a Stevens cottage 
 
 Up at Bean Lake, and the bunch, 
 Were in for anything at all 
 
 From murder down to lunch 
 No ducks at all were flying 
 
 And things were mighty tame, 
 'Til some one pulled a pair of dice 
 
 And I proposed a game." 
 
 "Dago Toney had a quarter, 
 
 But he couldn't make a pass, 
 And I soon convinced the 'Dago' 
 
 That he wasn't in my class. 
 We started at 10:30, 
 
 It was Sunday night, I think, 
 And at 2 p. m. on Wednesday 
 
 I put the crap game on the blink." 
 
 "The bunch were hollow-eyed and tired, 
 
 Not a man had seen a bed 
 And I handled dice until my hands 
 
 Calloused, cracked and bled, 
 I gathered up the silver. 
 
 And put it in a sack, 
 Then baled up all the greenbacks 
 
 And stacked 'em in the shack." 
 
 "The bunch at last all scattered out, 
 
 (After they had lost their dough) 
 Then I kicked off my hunting boots 
 
 As I murmured soft and low, 
 'Well — I guess I'll hit the hay pile 
 
 This has been my busy day, 
 I'll take a nap — rest up a bit; 
 
 And then be on my way." 
 
 —54— 
 
*'I sure was tired and sleepy 
 
 And when I went to bed 
 '1 said to Stevens, 'Call me Bo, 
 
 Next week, if I ain't dead/ 
 I slept for three whole days and nights, 
 
 Then woke up feeling fine, 
 I washed and dressed, packed my grips 
 
 And started down the line." 
 
 "On the train to Kansas City 
 
 The conductor asked, 'What luck?' 
 Well, I answered, T had plenty,' 
 
 Though I didn't kill a duck. 
 Then I told him of the crap game, 
 
 And he looked a little queer 
 As I said, 'Here's sixty dollars 
 
 Take them as a souvenir." 
 
 'T checked my coin as baggage 
 
 And paid ten bucks excess. 
 I warned the crew, don't drop it, 
 
 Or there'll be an awful mess. 
 There were four sacks and two bales of it. 
 
 They no sooner had it stored 
 Than the false news spread throughout the train, 
 
 Pierpont Morgan is on board." 
 
 "John D. was at the depot 
 
 And he hurried up to me 
 As he said, "Why, hello. Fuller! 
 
 You've been gambling, I see." 
 I yawned and stretched, then answered, 
 
 T have gambled some that's true. 
 It's a long time since we met, John, 
 
 What can I do for you?" 
 
 "He says, 'Well, George, I'll tell you, 
 
 I must get out to the coast, 
 Let me have a about ten thousand, 
 
 I'll return it, parcel post," 
 Chime Baker said, "Say, Fuller, 
 
 Cut out that awful stall; 
 If you're so flush — just pay me 
 
 That two bits you got last fall." 
 
 THE BOOK MAKERS. 
 
 With his forehead wreathed in wrinkles 
 
 And his fingers in his hair. 
 Chief McNarrey sat and pondered. 
 
 Then he sat back in his chair. 
 He called to "Bert" Dill— saying, 
 
 "Read this report to me 
 Then send for Leo Weedy 
 
 And 'Scrap Iron,' Josie Fee.'* 
 
 —55— 
 
''Bert" Dill softly answered, "Yes, Sir." 
 
 Then softly closed the door — 
 As with bowed head "J^^^k" McNarrey 
 
 Slowly paced his office floor. 
 When "Bert" had finished reading 
 
 "J^ck' said, in an undertone, 
 "That is all — let no one in 
 
 For I want to be alone." 
 
 Several men called at headquarters 
 
 But they failed to see the chief 
 And "Bert" Dill's only answer 
 
 To their queries, was, "More grief — " 
 He is not receiving callers ; 
 
 That is all I care to say, 
 If you have some urgent business 
 
 Call in — later in the day." 
 
 Leo Weedy (traveling watch boy) 
 
 Hurried in all out of breath, 
 When "Bert" recognized his caller 
 
 His face grew white as death, 
 "My God! What are YOU doing here? 
 
 YOUR safety lies in flight; 
 If McNarrey gets his hands on you 
 
 Or 'Scrap Iron' Fee — 'Good Night.' " 
 
 That's just what I am here for", 
 
 Weedy answered with a frown," 
 "I learned of that report, 'Bert,' 
 
 And I thought I'd drop around 
 To explain the matter to the chief 
 
 I know he'll understand 
 'Scrap Iron' Fee and I are ready, 
 
 Any time — to show our hand." 
 
 "Bert" Dill answered, "All right, Weedy, 
 
 It's YOUR funeral — not mine; 
 But you'd better come in later 
 
 For the chief is out o' line. 
 Now, I'll tell you what I'd do, Lee," 
 
 But "Bert" Dill said no more — 
 Both looked up to see McNarrey 
 
 Standing in the office door. 
 
 McNarrey's face was ashen, 
 
 His look was wild — insane, 
 "Bert" hastily began writing 
 
 Weedy reached out for his cane. 
 "Hold on, there !" McNarrey shouted, 
 
 "You're the guy I want to see. 
 Send Joe Simpson down to 'six'es' 
 
 To bring in 'Scrap Iron' Fee." 
 
 —56- 
 
When Fee arrived "J^<-^^ ' shouted, 
 
 *'Say, you think that you're a sport; 
 You're a pretty pair of pikers — 
 
 Here, look at this report." 
 We no sooner get a ball team 
 
 Than I hear you jack-leg crooks 
 Are putting in your spare time 
 
 At the ball grounds — making books." 
 
 "You were betting even money 
 
 That Lee Morgan couldn't run; 
 You bet odds against the firemen 
 
 And you were making fun 
 Of our fence buster, 'Bob' Maher. 
 
 Here is one big bet you made — 
 'Bob' couldn't hit the court house 
 
 In five trials, with a spade." 
 
 They himg their heads in silence 
 
 Then Weedy said, 'Say, Chief, 
 W^e both regret that we have caused 
 
 This department so much grief. 
 We're not sure enough book makers — 
 
 If you'll let this matter drop 
 We'll bet 'Bob' CAN hit the court house 
 
 In TWO trials — with a mop." 
 
 McNarrey growled — "Say, listen, 
 
 I'll give you guys one chance 
 And I want this plainly understood 
 
 I'M the fiddler for THIS dance." 
 They left the room on tip toe — 
 
 "Jack" reached to get his hat 
 As he said, "That bet on Maher 
 
 Was a blamed big risk — at that." 
 
 THE MILLER.KOEFLER BOUT. 
 
 George Miller and George Koefler 
 
 For a year were bitter foes 
 With each one yearning for a chance 
 
 To punch the other's nose. 
 Bill Kane, West Side promoter, 
 
 Took Koefler to one side 
 And said, "This Miller is a wop," 
 
 "CHmb on him, George, and ride." 
 
 Then promoter Kane found Miller 
 And he said, "George you're a rube,' 
 
 "To stand for Koefler's bullying," 
 "Why that guy is a boob." 
 
 Bill then went back to Koefler 
 And he said, "George, on the dead," 
 
 "You can trim this Miller four flush," 
 
 "Without feeding to full head." 
 
 -57— 
 
A bout was finally arranged 
 
 To settle the whole thing, 
 Ed Poling was selected 
 
 As the. third man in the ring; 
 The bout to be at catch weights 
 
 And to be a finish fight 
 To take place at the Pest House 
 
 At twelve o'clock at night. 
 
 George Koefler started training 
 
 By walking home to lunch, 
 While George Miller ate young onions 
 
 To develop a strong punch ; 
 Pat Hurley was announcer, 
 
 And his silvery voice rang out 
 As he introduced celebrities — 
 
 Before the feature bout. 
 
 Pat introduced Joe Fisher, 
 
 And his conductor, Frank, 
 Then introduced Steve Johnson 
 
 As the living human tank. 
 Pat then read out a challenge 
 
 And the crowd sent up a shout 
 When they learned that Charlie Floreke 
 
 Challenged the winner of the bout. 
 
 Abe Steinbeck was time keeper 
 
 And as he took his stand 
 George Koefler called to "Little Dave, 
 
 To bring a scoop of sand; 
 George Miller's second — Runner — 
 
 Helped Miller to his chair 
 While Hugh Kelly — Koefler's second — 
 
 Took the rats from Koeflers' hair. 
 
 George Miller's knees were shaky 
 
 As Abe Steinbeck rang the bell 
 And Koefler turned a tear stained face 
 
 As he weakly said, "Farewell." 
 Miller waddled to the center 
 
 While George Koefler turned to Hugh 
 And said, "Fm on a circut breaker," 
 
 "My God! What shall -I do?" 
 
 They parried for a moment. 
 
 Then they came on with a rush 
 While o'er the watching multitude 
 
 There fell an awful hush; 
 George Miller stubbed his toe and fell, 
 
 George Koefler circled 'round, 
 While the voice of Poling, counting, 
 
 Was to both — a welcome sound. 
 
 —58— 
 
Ed Poling counted Miller out 
 
 "Jap" Runner claimed a foul; 
 The referee yelled — "Koefler wins !" 
 
 The mob sent up a howl; 
 Pat Hurley silenced them and said, 
 
 'T now disolve all bets," 
 "These Dutchmen are not fighters," 
 
 "They're a pair of suffragettes." 
 
 BOB BOWMAN'S "DIAMOND" PIN, 
 
 Bob Bowman out at 5 house, 
 
 Was sitting all alone 
 With an old time minstrel song book, 
 
 Humming in an undertone, 
 He ceased the "concert" suddenly. 
 
 The song book hit the floor, 
 As a stranger Bob had never seen 
 
 Came in and closed the door. 
 
 He spoke to Bob and looked around, 
 
 As he settled in a chair. 
 Then whispered cautiously to Bob, 
 
 "Say, Pardner, on the square, 
 I've got a dandy bargain 
 
 That I picked up, just last night; 
 It's the real thing, sure enough kid, 
 
 And I'll sell it to you right." 
 
 "Of course YOU know a diamond 
 
 When you see one — I know that. 
 And, about this conversation, 
 
 Keep that underneath your hat. 
 You see, I need the money 
 
 And as you like the 'spark' 
 We're both ahead — the loser's out, 
 
 But keep that in the dark." 
 
 Bob scratched his head and thought awhile, 
 
 Then coughed to hide a laugh. 
 As the stranger said, "I'll sell it 
 
 For a dollar and a half 
 But you must keep the secret 
 
 Until this thing dies down. 
 For if the owner sees it. 
 
 Well — they'll run us out of town." 
 
 Bob studied for a long time, 
 
 Then the stranger said, 'Talk fast, 
 But if you miss this bargain, 
 
 You'll regret it to the last." 
 Bob dug deep in his pocket. 
 
 As he answered, "Bud, you're on 
 And while I don't go out much 
 
 ril have something I can pawn." 
 
 —59— 
 
Bob tried to keep the secret 
 
 But just had to wear that pin, 
 And when he came into the house 
 
 The bunch all wore a grin ; 
 Bob asked them what the joke was 
 
 And "Jodie' said, "Say Bob, 
 We'd like to know how you afford 
 
 To wear 'Diamonds' on this job." 
 
 All that morning Bob was silent 
 
 But at last he told the bunch 
 He would have the diamond tested 
 
 On his way that day, to lunch, 
 He asked Jones where to take it 
 
 And Jones said, "Let me see, 
 I'll tell you where to take it ; 
 
 Take it up to C. I. Lee." 
 
 On his way to lunch Bob stopped at Lee's 
 
 And asked, "What is this worth? 
 The jeweler turned his back on Bob 
 
 Awhile, to hide his mirth. 
 "Well," he said, "I'll tell you. 
 
 Though I'm really losing time. 
 The Ten Cent stores all have them 
 
 And sell them for a dime." 
 
 Bob found his way out to the street, 
 
 But his pace was mighty slow; 
 His knees were weak and awkward, 
 
 It had been a bitter blow. 
 He did not go to dinner 
 
 He had lost his appetite. 
 His chin was set, his fists were clenched, 
 
 His only thought was — fight. 
 
 Bob still hopes to meet that fellow; 
 
 He is yearning for his life 
 And he puts in leisure moments 
 
 Whetting up his "Barlow" knife. 
 If you want to make Bob peevish, 
 
 If you want to hear a wail. 
 Just call Bob up and ask him. 
 
 If his "diamond" is for sale? 
 
 "TIM MORRISEY'S JUBILEE." 
 
 Tim Morrisey down at number 3 
 
 Sat and scratched his head, 
 As he said to "Tubby" Williams, 
 
 "Gee, a man's a long time dead. 
 I've been sitting here and thinking 
 
 Of how nice it all would be 
 To arrange a sort of 'blow-out'-— 
 
 An old time jubilee." 
 
Vernon Leslie strolled up to them 
 And **Tubby" said to Tim, 
 "Tell 'Noisy' all about it 
 
 I'll call *Foxy Grandpa' Finn." 
 Tom Finn said "That's a pippin; 
 
 Put your idea through, old scout. 
 You will find the bunch all with you, 
 
 If you need some help, just shout." 
 
 Tim sent out invitations, 
 
 And they met at Daniels' Hall. 
 George Fuller did "watch duty" 
 
 With the aid of "Jimmie" Ball. 
 Bob Maher lit the torches 
 
 As he said, "I'l bet an arm 
 This run will show more speeding 
 
 Than a packing house alarm." 
 
 Bob Patterson, from Number 1, 
 
 Was a sure cure for the "blues." 
 He looked like ready money 
 
 In a pair of white buck shoes. 
 Chris Jacobson was "nozzle man" 
 
 Assisted by McLean 
 And when "Handsome" wants to "mix 'em' 
 
 He's the best I've ever seen. 
 
 They mixed one fancy drink they called 
 
 The "Morrisey" Hose Reel Punch ; 
 And they had to mix it oftener 
 
 Than "Stokie" Hill is late from lunch, 
 One thimble full of chemical, 
 
 A dash of axle grease, 
 One little chunk of laundry soap — 
 
 And they were allowed just one apiece. 
 
 Joe Simpson reeled up to the bar 
 
 And let out an awful wail. 
 As he pleaded with the 'nozzle men" 
 
 For an "auto-truck cocktail." 
 Chris asked Joe how to mix it, 
 
 And Joe crawled beneath a bench 
 Shouting, "Take one pint of gasoline 
 And add one monkey-wrench." 
 
 "Chime" Baker rapped for order, 
 
 And the crowd let out a yell 
 When "Mickey" Gorman shouted, 
 
 "A song by Tickie' Bell." 
 "Pickie" ran up seven ladders 
 
 To reach the high "C" note, 
 Aaron Smith said, "Gee, that's awful; 
 
 Won't someone cut his throat?" 
 
 -61— 
 
Art Dudley sang a touching song, 
 
 ''The Bloom on Drummy's Nose." 
 "Red" Galavin played the bag pipes 
 
 And "Feet" Quinlan played the hose. 
 "Pierpont" Morgan told some stories, 
 
 Fred White yelled "Back to the farm ; 
 ril stand for almost anything, 
 
 But that guy's a false alarm." 
 
 "Jodie" Williams called Bob Bowman 
 
 Who had coupled to a jug; 
 "We're going to make a run, Bob, 
 
 And want you to catch the plug." 
 Bob made a poor connection 
 
 And was blown across the hall, 
 Captain Jones said, "He's all right boys, 
 
 He sprained an ankle — that is all." 
 
 Guinea yelled, "I shoot a quarter," 
 
 But the crap game came to grief 
 When "Dennie" Sheehan shouted, 
 
 "Jiggers men — here comes the Chief." 
 The Chief looked longingly within, 
 
 Then gave his head a toss. 
 Saying, "Gee, Fd like to join them ; 
 
 Ain't it h~l to be the boss?" 
 
 WHATS THE USE? 
 
 (The explosion of a coal oil lamp set fire to 
 the residence of Julius A. Cane, Twenty-first and 
 Shawnee road, Sunday night. The family, except 
 Mrs. Cane's mother aged 80 years, was not at home 
 and the old lady was rescued by neighbors. The 
 home was destroyed, but the firemen, attempting 
 to extinguish the fire, under the direction of Walter 
 Merry, used more than a hundred gallons of milk, 
 waiting in cans to be delivered from the dairy of 
 J. H. McMahon. 
 
 Walter Merry of number 7 house 
 
 Sent in an order for supplies; 
 Chief McNarrey read it over 
 
 Then sat back and rubbed his eyes. 
 He read the order through again 
 
 Then reached to get his hat. 
 As he muttered softly to himself, 
 
 "Well, what do you think of that?" 
 
 He went up to Lindy's office 
 
 And said, "Lindy, look at this — 
 Fm a judge of human nature. 
 
 And I rarely ever miss 
 To sum a man up properly. 
 
 But they 'got by' me today; 
 Just read this over carefully. 
 
 It reads like school boy's play." 
 
 —62— 
 
Lindy read it over slowly, 
 
 Rubbed his eyes and scratched his head, 
 Jack said, ''Read that list aloud to me," 
 
 And this is what he read : 
 "One load of hay, ten bales of straw, 
 
 Six four-inch nickeled snaps, 
 Two twenty-gallon milk cans, 
 
 Four two by forty straps."' 
 
 Jack said, "The last two items 
 
 Are the ones that puzzle me 
 What they want to do with milk cans 
 
 Is something I can't see. 
 That beats all the crazy orders, 
 
 I've seen in many a day; 
 I think I'll call up 7's 
 
 And see what Merry has to say." 
 
 Merry said, "Well, Chief, I'll tell you. 
 These hills are high, you know ; 
 
 We haven't got a steamer. 
 
 And the water pressure's low. 
 
 Babcocks are insufficient. 
 So I tried a substitute, 
 
 For water — we are using milk, 
 
 And say. Chief, it's a beaut." 
 
 "We fight the fires over here, Chief, 
 
 Without any fancy frills. 
 Why, say, we wear pole climbers 
 
 To make it up the hills. 
 We are regular 'hill billies', 
 
 Our system's fine as silk 
 And when we can't get water 
 
 We fight a fire with milk." 
 
 "I tried that stunt last Sunday night 
 
 And it worked just like a charm, 
 But that night we were lucky 
 
 The fire was on a farm. 
 Now, if we have to haul the milk 
 
 And have very far to go 
 It will be hard upon the horses 
 
 And our progress will be slow." 
 
 "That's why I ordered milk cans. 
 
 And the straps to strap them on. 
 We can strap them on the wagon. 
 
 And ramble right along. 
 There's another little item 
 
 We use as 'first relief,' 
 We apply the milk with burlap bags — 
 
 So send some bags, too, Chief." 
 
*'Well," Jack said, "Don't you consider 
 
 This thing expensive, Walt? 
 I hate to disappoint you 
 
 And I don't like to find fault 
 But my allowance, Walt, will not permit 
 
 The purchase you suggest. 
 Just stick to water, Walter, 
 
 Plug along and do your best." 
 
 Merry hung up the receiver 
 
 And slowly turned away, 
 Joe Lukens called to Merry, 
 
 ''What did McNarrey say?" 
 "What did he say ! Don't ask me, Joe, 
 
 It was just high toned abuse; 
 I have lots of good ideas, Joe, 
 
 But, O, h 1, what's the use?" 
 
 THE "L" ROAD HIKING CLUB. 
 
 "Boge" Jones was feeling restless 
 
 As he pushed aside his stool; 
 He was listening to two passengers 
 
 Talking in his vestibule. 
 They were members of a Hiking Club 
 
 And the theme of all their talk 
 Was the benefits a man derived 
 
 In a weekly ten mile walk. 
 
 They spoke of dread diseases — 
 
 Consumption — and the like, 
 That had been eradicated 
 
 When the victim learned to hike. 
 They passed by Kansas avenue 
 
 And, said the passenger on the right, 
 "That man running 's 'Wild Cat' Ferns ; 
 
 He's training for a fight." 
 
 "Boge" watched the runner disappear, 
 
 Still the passengers talked on ; 
 They spoke of all the pleasures 
 
 To arise at early dawn. 
 And strike out for the country roads, 
 
 On their weekly ten mile jaunt, 
 Gaining pleasure, health and appetite, 
 
 What more should human want? 
 
 When the passengers had left the car ? 
 
 At Benton Boulevard 
 Still advocating long walks, 
 "Boge" Jones was thinking hard, 
 He did not use his stool again 
 
 The balance of that day. 
 And by the time he signed off 
 
 His plan was under way. 
 
He talked to every man he met, 
 
 And soon had a bunch enthused. 
 When it came to signing for the club 
 
 Not an ''L" road man refused. 
 They elected ''Boge" Jones president 
 
 By an overwhelming vote. 
 "Boge" yelled, ''Bring on your diseases, 
 
 We want to get their goat." 
 
 Frank Buehler bought some high tan shoes 
 
 And started in to train, 
 By walking from the "L" road barn 
 
 To Troup, and back again. 
 Al Decker bought a sweater 
 
 And told members of the club, 
 He would prove that "Old Man" Weston, 
 
 As a walker, was a dub. 
 
 "Elum" Funk said, "Fm no slouch, Al, 
 
 For I used to trail a plow 
 In the hot sun, kid, all summer, 
 
 I could start that long hike now." 
 They decided to start Sunday 
 
 On a hike to Riverview. 
 "Boge" Jones said, "It's not far, boys, 
 
 But for a starter, it will do." 
 
 Abe Hoshaw was disgusted 
 
 xAs he said, "Say, listen, Guy; 
 I could walk to Oklahoma 
 
 Without making half a try." 
 They met down at the Junction 
 
 At 3 :30 a. m., sharp. 
 Joe Swearingen lead the hikers 
 
 Playing rag time on a harp. 
 
 They halted up at State street 
 
 And there was quite a stir 
 When Pat Hurley broke the line of march. 
 
 And pushed Buehler on a spur. 
 George Koefler lost a trolley pole, 
 
 Eddie Edwards blew a fuse, 
 Decker sank down on a curb stone 
 
 And removed his hiking shoes. 
 
 "Elum" Funk took off his fender. 
 
 And he staggered to a hall 
 Where he sat down on a stair step. 
 
 "Boge" Jones sent a hurried call 
 For the wrecker and physicians, 
 
 Abe Hoshaw said, "I quit." 
 The wrecker gathered up the *'club" 
 
 And put them o'er the pit. 
 
 —65— 
 
The members had recovered 
 
 In from five to fifteen days. 
 "Boge" said, *'It may be healthy 
 
 But I'll get mine other ways. 
 Any man who preaches walking 
 
 Should be chained up to a tree; 
 It is all right for a mail man 
 
 But it'll never do for me." 
 
 "SLEUTH" McCULLOUGH. 
 
 Sherlock Holmes — the great idetective 
 
 Introduced by Conan Doyle 
 Never failed to solve a mystery 
 
 And was often known to foil 
 Criminals who had gone unpunished 
 
 Men of international fame 
 Were but toys for his deductions 
 
 When he once got in the game. 
 
 Scotland Yards has been world famous 
 
 For its force of well trained men, 
 Who will make it but a short while 
 
 From your first crime, to the 'Ten." 
 William Burns, who gained distinction 
 
 In the dynamiting case, 
 Wove a net work of convictions 
 
 That the culprits can't erase. 
 
 But old Sherlock is a "dead one," 
 
 Scotland Yard is out of date, 
 William Burns is just a novice, 
 
 "Gum Shoe" Mansell's just a skate, 
 And we have a new born hero. 
 
 Who, when all is said and done, 
 Is the smoothest sleuth in harness, 
 
 "Sleuth" McCullough of No. 1. 
 
 Walter Bemoll called "Chime" Baker 
 
 On the phone one day last week. 
 "Chime" had reached for the receiver 
 
 But had not had time to speak. 
 "Sleuth said, "Chime, thaf s Walter Bemoll." 
 
 It scared Baker half to death 
 As "Sleuth" said, "I know it's Bemoll 
 
 I can tell that garlic breath." 
 
 With his hands rammed in his pockets 
 
 And his feet against the wall. 
 He can tell you just exactly 
 
 Where you were this time last fall. 
 Simpson handed "Sleuth" a tooth pick 
 
 And "Sleuth" hastened to explain 
 It was made of "tension fiber" 
 
 From the woods of Northern Maine. 
 
"Sleuth was telling a reporter 
 
 Of a few things he had done, 
 How he worked in competition 
 
 With some "Gum shoe" cracks — and won. 
 "I remember well one evening 
 
 AA'hen Burns sent a man to me 
 For assistance in a matter 
 
 That they can't unravel — See?" 
 
 "When this fellow had explained things 
 
 And had told me all he knew 
 I said, call me in an hour 
 
 I will then give you a clew, 
 After thanking me he left me; 
 
 I went back to get a drink, 
 Then came up and filled my "briar" 
 
 And sat down a while to think." 
 
 "Just thirty minutes later 
 
 This plain clothes man drops in 
 And he has a fellow with him. 
 
 Both were serious as sin. 
 He saw me size up his companion 
 
 And he said, that's just my pal, 
 Well — I said — the man you're after 
 
 Is on the Panama Canal." 
 
 He is working as a hoist man 
 
 And his right name's Andrew Blix; 
 His check number's three two seven 
 
 And he works from six to six." 
 W^ell, this "Gum Shoe" looks astonished 
 
 As he says — send in your bill. 
 I says — "That's all right — no charges; 
 
 Call again Pal — if you will." 
 
 "I've disguised myself as ashes 
 
 And then laid around a box 
 Where I caught the well known criminal 
 
 Famous as "Chicago Fox." 
 What — You're going? AVhat's your hurry? 
 
 Well, I guess you know what's right. 
 Say — I'm mighty glad I met you ; 
 
 Call again some time — Good Night." 
 
 (Latest news — just received over private wire.) 
 
 Since this article was written 
 I've been told the crushing truth 
 
 That just once in Hughie's history 
 They slipped something past the Sleuth. 
 
 To the lad who "slipped it over" 
 I respectfully raise my hat. 
 
 Dan O'Donnell just got married 
 And they "got by" "Sleuth" on THAT. 
 
 -67— 
 
EDUCATED COE. 
 
 Husky "Jodie" Williams 
 
 (Captain out at 5's) 
 Squirmed and twisted in his chair 
 
 Like a man who had the hives. 
 He scratched his head and mumbled, 
 
 "Of all the men I've seen 
 This fellow Coe's the queerest, 
 
 Now what did "Sammy" mean?" 
 
 "He talked to me an hour 
 
 And the language that he used 
 Leaves we thinking rather seriously 
 
 That I have been abused. 
 Why he'd make 'Billy' Bryan 
 
 Look like a corn fed 'wop' 
 And when he gets to going 
 
 There is no such thing as stop." 
 
 "Jodie" figured and he reasoned 
 
 Then he paced the floor a while, 
 Suddenly he ceased his walking 
 
 And his face broke in a smile. 
 "I believe I'll phone McNarrey 
 
 For McNarrey ought to know 
 And he's just the man to handle 
 
 Educated Coe." 
 
 "Jodie" phoned to Chief McNarrey 
 
 In a muffled undertone 
 The "Big Chief" said "I'll tend to him, 
 
 Just call him to the phone," 
 "Sammy" got right down to business 
 
 And said, "Say, Mister Chief, 
 I am slightly inconvenienced 
 
 And I'm seeking some relief." 
 
 "I'd consider it a favor 
 
 If you'd notify the boys 
 To dispense with all loud talking 
 
 And unnecessary noise 
 I am just a trifle sensitive 
 
 And, Chief, to tell the truth, 
 The language these men use at times 
 
 Is uncalled for and uncouth." 
 
 "There's no stipulated conduct 
 
 Stated in the book of rules 
 And at times their flow of language 
 
 Makes me wish there were more schools. 
 Then there's another matter. 
 
 Of importance to digest. 
 If you'll handle this one promptly, 
 
 It will set my mind at rest." 
 
"When I took the obHgation, 
 
 It was generally understood 
 I would have a hardwood housing 
 
 For my busy "Underwood." 
 This has never been attended to 
 
 (Probably an oversight) 
 But, Chief, this seeming negligence 
 
 Does not appear just right. 
 
 "Conditions here are better 
 
 Than they were two months ago; 
 I'm responsible for this, Chief, 
 
 But it's tedious work — and slow. 
 These men lack education 
 
 (Especially on my shift), 
 I assure you, Chief, intelligence 
 
 With me, was nature's gift." 
 
 Chief McNarrey was dumfounded — 
 
 He shouted, "Hold on there; 
 I don't know what you mean, sir, 
 
 And furthermore — don't care. 
 If you think the fire department 
 
 Hired you to teach a school 
 Or to operate an 'Underwood' 
 
 You are certainly a fool." 
 
 "You were hired to fight fire 
 
 Not to educate the men; 
 And, believe me, it's the hardware 
 
 If you bother me again." 
 Bert Dill asked, "Chief, who was that?' 
 
 Jack was pacing to and fro — 
 He looked at Bert and answered, 
 
 "Educated Coe." 
 
 THE TWELVE-HOUR CLEARANCE SALE. 
 
 Chief McNarrey sat in silence 
 
 With his eyes upon the floor 
 Until his reverie was broken 
 
 By a knock upon the door. 
 Burt Dill entered and he whispered, 
 
 With a knowing little grin, 
 "There's some ladies here to see you," 
 
 And the chief said, "Show them in." 
 
 The leader of the party 
 
 Smiled at "Jack" and then sat down, 
 Saying, "We are representing 
 
 Single ladies of the town; 
 Your men had reason to stay single 
 
 Before the twelve-hour law went through, 
 Now, we see no reason for it. 
 
 And the question's up to you." 
 
 -69- 
 
Jack thought a moment, then he said : 
 
 "V\\ see the single men 
 And I hope to solve the question 
 
 Before you call again." 
 ''Jack" put it up to Baker, 
 
 ''Chime" said, "Not on your life, 
 But if Abrahams and Simpson 
 
 Both agree, I'll get a wife." 
 
 They held a meeting up at "ones," 
 
 "Buger" Sayers made it clear 
 He was for a public auction 
 
 With "Hutch" as auctioneer. 
 They phoned and asked "Buzz" Lilley 
 
 If he'd let Lorenzo go 
 For one night — and "Buzz" answered, 
 
 "Surest thing you know." 
 
 The first man put upon the block 
 
 Was June Marshall from No. 2; 
 He was sold for fifteen dollars. 
 
 And the bunch was feeling blue. 
 Lorenzo screamed, "Have mercy, 
 
 This is not a remnant sale. 
 These men are worth big money, 
 
 They're meal tickets that won't fail !" 
 
 Joe Lukens sold for twenty, 
 
 "Ugly" Clark next went for five, 
 George Koran, the pride of nine house, 
 
 And the brainiest man alive, 
 Was sold for seven fifty, 
 
 A bargain sure enough; 
 Then "Hutch" yelled, "Here's Art Dudley, 
 
 A diamond in the rough." 
 
 They bid Art up to seventeen, 
 
 "Spike" Carpenter went at nine, 
 "Buger" Sayers went for sixteen 
 
 And they paid ten bucks for "Chime." 
 "Crip" Abrahams and Joe Simpson 
 
 Brought eleven dollars each. 
 They were bidding in all voices 
 
 From a whisper to a screech. 
 
 "Sausage" Cooper was a bargain, 
 
 Bringing just four ninety-eight; 
 "Gibby" Gibson sold for thirty bucKs, 
 
 With a guarantee up to date. 
 "One Round Ducky" sold for seven 
 
 As "Hutch" yelled, "Now, girls, be game! 
 Here's a 1914 model 
 
 On a 1915 frame." 
 
 —70- 
 
Roy Broadhurst brought eight sixty 
 
 Lee Hobin and "Tode" Hill 
 Were knocked down to two ladies 
 
 For a twenty-dollar bill. 
 Harry Watson came up smiling, 
 
 ''Hutch" said, "Look him over good." 
 He was traded for a fiddle 
 
 And a half a cord of wood. 
 
 "Hutch" then brought up Jim McCauley, 
 
 And the mob let out a bawl 
 As Lorenzo introduced him 
 
 As "the daddy of them all." 
 "Here's a man of vast experience, 
 
 He is city broke and sound; 
 There is not a finer specimen 
 
 Of manhood on the ground." 
 
 "This man's nickname, girls, is 'Father.' 
 
 Now, ladies, here's your chance." 
 One lady said, "I'll buy him 
 
 If you'll give me trading stamps." 
 "Nothing like that here, dear sister, 
 
 This man here's the real thing, kid, 
 Who will start this man at forty?" 
 
 But nobody made a bid. 
 
 One girl said, "I'll bid a quarter," 
 
 And Lorenzo wore a frown 
 As he said, "Bring me a halter 
 
 And I'll trot this man around." 
 When she saw his gait, she fainted ; 
 
 They revived her with a fan. 
 As she looked around, "Hutch" whispered, 
 
 "Kid, you've bought yourself a man." 
 
 THAT INDIANA CAR. 
 
 "Yon" Swanson of the L road 
 
 Wore a mighty threatening frown 
 As he watched the track before him. 
 
 Coming through the heart of town. 
 His lips were set, his eyes ablaze — 
 
 He was mad enough to fight. 
 He talked and argued with himself, 
 
 "Aye don' care — it ain't right." 
 
 The Indiana car ahead 
 
 Ran like a baggage truck. 
 "Yon" said (looking at his time-piece), 
 
 "By yimminy. Aye bane stuck. 
 Dat feller on dae car ahead 
 
 Always makes me late — vest-bound; 
 Aye can't yump over his car. 
 
 And Aye cannot run around." 
 
 —71— 
 
"Aye vent to bed dae udder night, 
 
 And Aye had an awful dream. 
 Aye tank Aye got a nightmare, 
 
 For Aye sit right up — and scream; 
 Aye dream Aye go to heaven, 
 
 Aye bane fifteen minutes late; 
 Aye dream dae bane a great big crowd 
 
 In line — outside dae gate." 
 
 "Saint Peter — hae bane busy 
 
 And Aye stand around a while, 
 Then a feller close behind me 
 
 Hae say to me — and smile, 
 'Aye vonder what's dae trouble. 
 
 Has Saint Peter gone to bed?' 
 Aye say, *No, Saint Peter's busy ; 
 
 Dae Indiana is ahead.' 
 
 "Aye stand awhile on one foot. 
 
 Then Aye get too tired, and shange ; 
 Then another feller in dae line 
 
 Says, 'Aye tell you, dis is strange/ 
 Aye tell him, *Yes, Aye tank so ; 
 
 Maybe someone yump dae track.' 
 Then dae feller wave his hand and say, 
 
 'So long, I'm goin' back.' 
 
 "Pretty soon a feller holler, 
 
 'Say, what time are you due here?' 
 And Aye say, 'Ask dae conductor, 
 
 Hae bane standin' in dae rear.' 
 Dae conductor hae bane ring dae bell. 
 
 And Aye tell him, 'Line bane dead. 
 That Indiana feller 
 
 Bane asleep, vay up ahead.' 
 
 "Aye could hear dae angels singing. 
 
 Aye could hear dae heavenly band. 
 And Aye could see a track man comin' 
 
 With a bucket full of sand. 
 Then Aye holler, 'What's dae matter. 
 
 Is somebody in dae ditch?' 
 And hae holler back, 'No, Swanson, 
 
 Indiana split a switch.' 
 
 "Then Aye sit down on dae car step 
 
 And Aye watch folks walkin' by. 
 One man came from Kansas City, 
 
 And hae kind o' wink his eye 
 As hae say, 'Why, hello, Swanson, 
 
 Why are you a sittin' down?' 
 Aye get mad and turn dae trolley 
 
 And Aye started back to town." 
 
 —72- 
 
"Dae conductor hae come runnin' 
 
 And hae say, 'Yon, what is wrong?' 
 And Aye say, 'Yust watch dae trolley, 
 
 We bane on dae road too long/ 
 Then Aye hear dae big alarm clock 
 
 And Aye yump up out of bed — 
 By yimminy, Aye bane dreamin' 
 
 Of that slow poke car ahead." 
 
 THE RECORD RUN. 
 
 "Youse talk about tough sleddin' 
 
 (Said Pat Gorman with a sneer), 
 VV'y, say, Cull — youse ain't in it, 
 
 Fade away — shove in de clear. 
 W'y, I've done more railroadin' 
 
 Dan any bloke upon dis pike 
 An' talk about fast couplin's, 
 
 Youse never seen de like. 
 
 "Youse talk about fast runnin', 
 
 W'y youse is out o' date, 
 Fer youse come off a narrer gauge 
 
 Where a drag can't come in late. 
 Youse couldn't beat a toitle, Bo — 
 
 Now dat is on de square. 
 An' de taller never woiked enough 
 
 Ter even turn a hair." 
 
 "W'y, I was breakin' on ahead 
 
 Fer 'Bad Eye' Lynch — and say, 
 Dere was de guy — ter run a train, 
 
 De best con in his day. 
 I remembers one cold mornin'. 
 
 It was forty-two below. 
 We was puUin' stock, an' runnin' 
 
 Kind o' easy like, an' slow." 
 
 "When we stops fer furder orders 
 
 I climbs down beside de track 
 When here comes 'Bad Eye' jumpin', 
 
 Youse 'ud think he'd break his back. 
 He has his orders in his hand 
 
 Youse could see him tru de fog, 
 He passed me like a cannon ball, 
 
 He was pantin' like a dog." 
 
 "He runs down to de battleship 
 
 An' says to Johnnie Hayes, 
 'We got ter get to Peoria 
 
 In time for market raise.' 
 De price o' cattle had gone up 
 
 An' de bloke what owned de steers 
 Says, 'Get me there in time ter cash 
 
 An' youse can swim in beer.' 
 
"Den 'Bad Eye' gives de high ball 
 
 An' I crawls on de 'jine 
 Ter help me buddie keep 'er hot 
 
 While we was makin' time. 
 At seventy miles an hour, Bo, 
 
 Old scrap head 'tirty'"flew. 
 When lookin' out ahead I sees 
 
 De hind end o' No. 2." 
 
 "Johnnie Hayes yells to us fellers, 
 
 Hold on tight, youse guys, 
 Fer dere's a passenger ahead. 
 An' I'm a goin' by!' 
 He trun his lever to one side ; 
 
 Old 'tirty' jumps de track 
 An' cuts across de frozen ground 
 
 Wid out takin' up her slack." 
 
 "We cuts in ahead o' No. 2, 
 
 An' climbs upon de rails, 
 Makes dem second handed coffins 
 
 Look like a string o' snails. 
 When we hits East Peoria 
 
 An' whistles fer de bridge, 
 I could see de hind end comin' 
 
 Swingin' along beside de ridge." 
 
 "When he whistles fer Bridge Junction 
 
 I was out upon de top 
 Settin' brakes — makin' flat wheels. Bo, 
 
 Ter help Jack make de stop. 
 We'd been in town an hour. Pal, 
 
 When I looks down de main 
 And saw a comin' down de track 
 
 De shadder of our train." 
 
 THE GLOBE TROTTER. 
 
 Frank Buehler of the "L" road 
 
 Saved a little of each pay. 
 For his constant work was tiresome 
 
 And he planned to go away. 
 He gathered tons of railroad maps 
 
 And studied them at night, 
 For when Frank wants to do a thing 
 
 He tries to do it right. 
 
 He read of all the fishing grounds 
 
 From Maine to Arkansaw, 
 Then finally decided 
 
 To go to Omaha. 
 He packed fourteen suit cases 
 
 And one piano box 
 That held two suits of underwear 
 
 And four pair of army socks. 
 
 -74- 
 
He started for the depot 
 
 With his baggage on a dray ; 
 George Miller and George Koeffler 
 
 Went to see Frank on his way. 
 The depot master met Frank 
 
 And after sizing up his load 
 He said, *'You can't come this way 
 
 Without laying out the road." 
 
 He ordered two more baggage cars, 
 
 And Frank began to swear 
 When he said, "They're on the side track, 
 
 Go load your baggage there." 
 They used an extra engine 
 
 And Fred Harvey ordered out 
 Five extra carcasses of beef 
 
 To feed Frank while en route. 
 
 The agent here then wired 
 
 The one at Omaha, 
 ''Clear yards at once for largest load 
 
 That ever crossed the Kaw." 
 The conductor screamed out, "All aboard !'' 
 
 The fireman rang the bell ; 
 Frank waddled to the platform 
 
 To wave a fond farewell. 
 
 George Koeffler turned to Miller 
 
 And sobbed out, "Well — he's gone." 
 George Miller blubbered, "Let's get drunk," 
 
 And Koeffler said, "You're on ; 
 But before we both get pickled 
 
 Let's phone our. wives — and then 
 We'll wire the brewers at Omaha 
 
 To put on extra men." 
 
 Two weeks later Frank returned 
 
 But was not satisfied, 
 He had a roving passion 
 
 That would not be denied. 
 So he went to Independence, 
 
 In dear old Kansas state. 
 Where he spent his hard earned money 
 
 At a most alarming rate. 
 
 The sports of Independence 
 
 Followed Frank around the square, 
 As they spoke in knowing whispers 
 
 Of the K. C. millionaire. 
 Frank was carrying a hand bag. 
 
 And the sight caused many thrills 
 When the "wise ones" said the grip was full 
 
 Of one thousand dollar bills. 
 
 -75- 
 
The marshal with two deputies 
 
 Followed Frank all over town 
 And stood with drawn revolvers 
 
 Every time Frank set it down. 
 Frank bought a loaf of rye bread 
 
 Then made a little trip 
 Down to the depot platform 
 
 Where he opened up the grip. 
 
 A deadly, sickening odor 
 
 Was wafted through the air — 
 A German said, "Gee — that smells good, 
 
 I'd know it anywhere." 
 Half of the throng was overcome 
 
 And sank down on their knees 
 As the German sniffed again and said, 
 
 ''Good old limburger cheese." 
 
 THE WIMMIN FOLKS WAS RIGHT. 
 
 (Through the shale rock gullies of Arkansas, on 
 the trail of a lonesome swine.) 
 The voice of someone singing 
 
 (Not related to a thrush) 
 Was wafted on the breezes 
 
 That blew up from the brush. 
 The tone denoted happiness 
 
 And — (As a compliment) 
 While the singer lacked ability 
 
 He displayed, what's more — content. 
 
 The rasping voice grew stronger 
 
 As the joyous one drew near ; 
 A native squirrel hunter 
 
 Waited for him to appear. 
 The native coughed uneasily 
 
 And laid aside his gun 
 When he recognized the singer 
 
 As Lorenzo Hutchinson. 
 
 "Hutch" walked up to the native 
 
 With a cordial "Howdy Lem, 
 I'm mighty glad to see you, 
 
 How's your Ma and Uncle Clem?" 
 "All the folks are fair to middlin' 
 
 'Ceptin' Uncle Clem an' Liz, 
 They've been complainin' lately, 
 
 Both laid up with rheumatiz." 
 
 "Gosh, Lon — you shore look handsome 
 
 In them bran' new, city clothes ; 
 How you happened back to these parts, 
 
 Well, goodness only knows. 
 They say you are a owner 
 
 Of a reg'ler city store; 
 To look at you they'd never think 
 
 That you was ever 'pore'." 
 
 -76- 
 
"I must run down an' tell Nora 
 
 That shore will be good news ; 
 She's gettin' citified herself. 
 
 She wears corsets now an' shoes — 
 O, law, yes, she is stylish, 
 
 An' the wimmin folks 'bout here 
 Lows she hinted at a weddin' 
 
 To take place some time this year." 
 
 'T'm a thinkin' it's suspicious 
 
 You a bein' here an' all, 
 Looks like Nora's Ma '11 lose her 
 
 I'm a thinkin' 'fore next fall. 
 But I sorta somehow reckon 
 
 As how the city's frills 
 Will suit her whole lots better 
 
 Than a life among these hills." 
 
 "Hutch" said, "No, Lem, you're mistaken 
 
 I get tired of city life 
 Where one day's just like another, 
 
 All is worry, care and strife ; 
 Sometimes, Lem, I get so homesick 
 
 For these rocks and hills, it seems 
 I live again my boyhood days 
 
 In ever pleasant dreams." 
 
 'T long to see the homespuns, 
 
 The timber and the shale ; 
 I long to see a 'razorback' 
 
 With a mud ball on its tail. 
 I just hanker for a fiddle 
 
 And I long to hear it moan, 
 Where a fiddle ain't called Violin,' 
 
 And where notes were never knoAvn." 
 
 *T long to see barefooted girls 
 
 In gingham — all homespun, 
 Who are shy on table etiquette 
 
 But can wrestle, shoot or run. 
 I long to be with just plain folks 
 
 Back here in Arkansaw, 
 Where they call their father just plain Tap/ 
 
 And call their mother 'Maw.' '' 
 
 "Well," Lem said, "I'm glad to hear it, 
 
 I guess the wimmin' folks was wrong 
 'Bout you and Nora marryin,' 
 
 What? You're goin'? Well, So long." 
 "Hutch" met Nora at the cross road 
 
 As they drifted out of sight 
 Lem shook his head and venture'd, 
 
 "I guess the wimmin' folks was right." 
 
 '7J' 
 
"TOAD STOOL BOB^S*' LAST TALK. 
 
 HaiT}'- La France was humming softly 
 
 As he strolled along his beat, 
 He stopped (as is his custom) 
 
 And looked south at Packard street. 
 A stranger came up smiling 
 
 And with a cautious air 
 He asked — "Who is that fellow 
 
 Standing over there?" 
 
 "That's Darnell, ex-plain clothes copper, 
 
 Who worked with 'Handsome Jack,' 
 And a man was sure a goner 
 
 When that pair got on his track. 
 But Darnell moved up some lately 
 
 And I tell you what — HIS job 
 Beats the Mayor's for importance. 
 
 He's now known as 'Toadstool Bob.' " 
 
 "There were several people poisoned 
 
 And the cops were in the dark. 
 Till Darnell found they had eaten 
 
 Toadstools picked at Shawnee park. 
 They appointed 'Bob' custodian 
 
 Of the mighty toadstool field. 
 And he got right down to business 
 
 To cut down the toadstool yield." 
 
 "He had twenty-five men working 
 
 From dawn till after dark 
 And the famous toadstool pasture 
 
 He rechristened 'Toadstool Park.' 
 Fie imported men from Canada 
 
 To clean the patch up quick, 
 And Bob appointed 'Handsome Jack' 
 
 To call upon the sick." 
 
 "Talk about 'Bill' Bryan's lectures. 
 
 Say — when 'Toadstool Bob' cut loose 
 He made old 'Grape Juice William' 
 
 Look like a dirty deuce. 
 I heard Darnell's last lecture 
 
 When he talked to half the town 
 And of all the lecturers I've heard 
 
 'Toadstool' beats 'em all — hands down." 
 
 "A chance to hear him lecture 
 
 Was certainly a treat ; 
 He struck straight from the shoulder 
 
 To the crowd out in the street. 
 'Citizens — you see before you 
 
 Something small in my right hand, 
 
 Far more deadly than the viper. 
 
 It's the curse of all the land." 
 
 -7Sr- 
 
" *It tempts and lures the appetite 
 
 To which all men are slaves, 
 It will put strong men on crutches 
 
 And send weak ones to their graves. 
 Ignorance of this plant sends many 
 
 To an early, painful doom 
 When they eat a deadly toadstool 
 
 Thinking: it a 'musharoon.' " 
 
 *' 'You unanimously elected me 
 
 To keep the death rate down 
 As inspector of the mushrooms 
 
 And the toadstools here in town. 
 I have done my duty nobly, 
 
 There is no denying that, 
 And I've shown SAvellhead foodologists 
 
 That I knew where I was at.' " 
 
 "A doctor in the crowd that day 
 
 Yelled— 'Mister "Toadstool King," 
 You've been talking for an hour 
 
 But you haven't said a thing. 
 Why don't you tell the difference 
 
 Between the two plants — eh? 
 All you ever do is stand up there 
 
 And toss the bull— all day.' " 
 
 "The crowd yelled its approval 
 
 And 'Bob' wore a worried look 
 When Tom' Lilley screamed, 'You faker, 
 
 You're a second Doctor Cook.' 
 'Toadstool' left the lecture platform 
 
 As the crowd yelled 'Good Night, Quince !' 
 'Bob' is still mushroom inspector. 
 
 But he hasn't lectured since." 
 
 "HUMAN DERRICK" OLSON. 
 
 Officer Dooley was complaining 
 
 As he slowly walked his beat, 
 "I'm tired of all this walking, 
 
 A riot would be a treat. 
 Things are certainly mighty quiet 
 
 And this job is getting stale ; 
 It sure is some monotonous 
 
 On a beat in Armourdale." 
 
 "The duties of an officer 
 
 Where people are so mild 
 Could be easily executed 
 
 By a fourteen-year-old child. 
 If it wasn't for the walking 
 
 This job would be a cinch ; 
 Why, I've tramped this beat for seven days, 
 
 And haven't made a pinch." 
 
 —79— 
 
He swung his club and sauntered 
 
 Toward the Belt Line tracks 
 As he yearned to find a crap game 
 
 Or some policy playing blacks.. 
 As he started to cross Adams street 
 
 He heard somebody shout, 
 He stopped to listen — wondering 
 
 What it was all about. 
 
 A teamster rushed up to him 
 
 And yelled, ''Alarm the town ; 
 I tried to cross the bridge just now 
 
 And found the west span down, 
 Two houseboats are on fire ; 
 
 Something must be done quick, Boss ! 
 Here comes the fire department, 
 
 How'll they ever get across?" 
 
 Officer Dooley thought a moment, 
 
 Then he hunted up a phone 
 And phoned to "Cap" O'Donnell, 
 
 'T am down here all alone, 
 The Kansas avenue bridge, 'Cap,' 
 
 Has dropped in the Kaw; 
 Now here's the chance we need to show 
 
 The speed of Kansas law." 
 
 "Cap" hung up the receiver 
 And turned round in his chair 
 
 As he shouted to Charles Little, 
 "Is Theodore Olson there?" 
 
 Olson rushed into the office ; 
 
 "Cap" said, "Here's your golden chance, 
 
 Report to Dooley — Armourdale, 
 While I telephone La France." 
 
 Olson grabbed a passing street car 
 
 And rushed to Armourdale, 
 Where he found a vast throng gathered 
 
 And the mob sent up a wail 
 As he shouted out to Dooley, 
 
 "Aye bane har to save dae day. 
 Just tell me where dae trouble is 
 
 And Aye will lead dae way." 
 
 Chief McNarrey grew impatient 
 
 As he pointed to the shacks 
 Saying, "We don't need you coppers, 
 
 What we need's hydraulic jacks." 
 Olson said, "Don't fret, McNarrey, 
 
 You have bane delayed before." 
 Then throwing off his overcoat 
 
 He darted for the shore. 
 
 -SO— 
 
He got down on his hands and knees 
 
 And crawled along the bank, 
 Saying, as he crawled beneath the bridge, 
 
 "Dis bane tough yob — Aye tank." 
 With the bridge upon his shoulders 
 
 And a smile upon his face 
 He raised the span up to the pier 
 
 And pushed it into place. 
 
 Olson stood in this position 
 
 For two hours and a half, 
 Then Dooley called, "All right, it's fixed," 
 
 And the big crowd had to laugh 
 As "Human Derrick" Olson 
 
 Turned to the mighty throng, 
 Saying, "Aye got small pain in mae back. 
 
 Aye vonder what is wrong." 
 
 CYCLONE JOE. 
 
 Joe Downs at police headquarters 
 
 Sighed and laid aside his club 
 As he said, "A plain patrolman 
 
 Is nothing but a dub; 
 I want some REAL excitement, 
 
 And I will bet my wad 
 That I could make a record 
 
 In the motorcycle squad." 
 
 "To hear the throbbing engine 
 
 As you skim along the street. 
 With the phone poles flashing past you, 
 
 Say — that is one real treat ; 
 When it comes right down to speeding 
 
 I'll bet a hundred dollar bill 
 I can make Jim Cook, the speed king, 
 
 Look like he was standing still." 
 
 "One hundred miles an hour 
 
 Is the speed I'd want to make, 
 I could beat the national champion 
 
 If I got 'an even break. 
 I'd make Cook look like a novice, 
 
 And you can tell 'Big Jim' 
 He can use new Firestone tires 
 
 And I'll ride upon the rim." 
 
 "Why, 'Big Jim' shuts off power 
 
 At every little curve, 
 That is evidence enough, Pal, 
 
 To show he lacks real nerve. 
 Can I beat him? Say, old timer, 
 
 I will bet a Stetson hat 
 That when I get to going 
 
 I'll do a mile in nothing, flat." 
 
 -81— 
 
"There's that other 'boob', Jim Leahy, 
 
 Thinks he knows how to ride; 
 Say— when he sees me ramble, 
 
 He'll resort to suicide. 
 Ryan thinks that he can go some, 
 
 But he hasn't got a show. 
 And the public soon will clamor 
 
 For the speed king — 'Cyclone Joe.' " 
 
 Chief Gordon heard Joe talking 
 
 And he called Joe to one side 
 Saying, 'Tf you speak the truth, Joe, 
 
 You sure know how to ride. 
 I can use another good man. 
 
 And if what you say is true, 
 Report here in the morning, 
 
 I will have a wheel for you." 
 
 Joe thanked the chief profusely. 
 
 And went upon his way, 
 Reporting at the station 
 
 As a cycle man next day. 
 He'd pace the office floor awhile, 
 
 Then walked out through the hall, 
 As he watched the clock and murmured, 
 
 "Will I ever— get a call?" 
 
 At eight fifteen they called Joe 
 
 Saying, "Here's a trip for you; 
 There's a daylight 'stick up' man at work 
 
 Up on the avenue.'' 
 Joe bounded down the stairway 
 
 With a deafening, warning shout. 
 He leaped across the sidewalk 
 
 To his wheel and started out. 
 
 Joe started north on Sixth street. 
 
 And got to Armstrong — that was all ; 
 The machine became unruly 
 
 And he had a nasty fall. 
 He limped back to the station. 
 
 Where they gave him "first relief," 
 Then Joe hung his head and started 
 
 For the office of the chief. 
 
 Chief Gordon heard Joe's story. 
 
 Then he said, "I'm sorry Joe, 
 But we need motorcycle men 
 
 Who are not afraid to GO. 
 I'm going in to see the mayor. 
 
 And I'll tell you what I'll do, 
 I'll suggest a motorcycle 
 
 With three wheels, Joe — for you." 
 
 -82- 
 
Joe said, "Thank you, Mr. Gordon, 
 
 But I think IVe had enough; 
 I would rather walk a beat, chief, 
 
 Where the going's not so rough." 
 Gordon answered, "Well — all right, Joe, 
 
 That is just about your line." 
 "Cyclone'' said, "I guess you're right, chief, 
 
 No more cycle squad for mine." 
 
 THE CHAMPION RIFLE SHOT. 
 
 There has been a lot of argument 
 
 Out at 5 house here of late 
 And they've all been betting money 
 
 At a most alarming rate. 
 They will argue in the morning 
 
 And they keep it up till night, 
 And it winds up in a riot 
 
 Each man claiming he is right. 
 
 "Jodie" Williams had been bragging 
 
 To the men, how he could shoot ; 
 He said, "Back in my young days 
 
 I was certainly a beaut. 
 I used to pluck them on the fly 
 
 When I was in my prime. 
 I'd take my gun and pick a bird 
 
 A feather at a time." 
 
 "I remember how Cole Younger 
 
 Used to look at me and sigh 
 When he saw me bring down wild duck* 
 
 That were flying two miles high. 
 The Dalton gang would shudder 
 
 At the mention of my name. 
 Why, I taught old Bill Cody, 
 
 All he knows about the game." 
 
 "Say, I've brought down running rabbits 
 
 From the window of a train 
 Going sixty miles an hour 
 
 When I crossed the Kansas plain. 
 I haven't had much practice 
 
 Since I took to fighting flames, 
 But I was one keen marksman 
 
 When I chummed with Jesse James." 
 
 "Why, I was so good in those days, 
 
 I couldn't get a bet. 
 And as far as that's concerned, boys, 
 
 I can step along some yet. 
 Why, I'd make Leftie Louie 
 
 Think he wasn't in the race 
 When I shot my name at fifty yards 
 
 In one square inch of space." 
 
 -^83- 
 
Fred White said, "I will bet you 
 
 A house and lot against a dime 
 That when it comes to shooting 
 
 I can beat you any time." 
 Captain Jones yelled, "Quit that squabblin', 
 
 Just put up your little change 
 And settle all this argument 
 
 Out on the rifle range !" 
 
 Jones tacked up the morning paper 
 
 As Joe yelled, "I'll make him quit !" 
 Bowman said, "Take down that paper, 
 
 Put up something Joe can hit." 
 They opened an umbrella 
 
 With the open side to Joe 
 Then drew a line at twenty feet 
 
 For the contestants to toe. 
 
 Charley Cox (official scorer) 
 
 Said, "When you're ready let me know." 
 Both men answered, "We are ready," 
 
 And the scorer shouted, "Go !" 
 Jodie then took aim and fired 
 
 And the scorer called, "No score." 
 Joe said, "You must be mistaken. 
 
 For I never missed before." 
 
 Fred White said, "Why, Bud, you're nervous, 
 
 I sure hate to take your dough ; 
 Why, you're all upset and shaky. 
 
 What have you been drinking, Joe?" 
 "Jodie" said, "Fve not been drinking, 
 
 But I just can't go the route ; 
 All I hope is 'Wild Bill' Hickcox 
 
 Or Frank James don't find this out." 
 
 Captain Jones said, "Joe, I'll tell you 
 
 Just what I'll agree to do ; 
 I'll agree to keep this quiet 
 
 If you'll sell your '22.' " 
 There's a sign up now at 5 house, 
 
 "For Sale— One Rifle— Cheap." 
 But some one told on "Jodie," 
 
 It was just too good to keep. 
 
 "TUBBY'S" TRIAL SPIN. 
 
 "Tubby" Williams up at "1" house 
 
 Wears a life sized billikin grin 
 Since he was moved up from the ranks 
 
 To drive a car for Lind. 
 Chief McNarrey thought it over. 
 
 And considered using 'Chime,' 
 But he gave Williams preference 
 
 Because Earl's too fat to climb, 
 
 —84— 
 
"Tubby" learned of his promotion 
 
 And with that life-sized smile 
 He said, "I'd like to take the car 
 
 And practice for a while." 
 "All right," McNarrey answered, 
 
 "You can take a spin around, 
 But be careful when you leave the house, 
 
 Don't tear the building down/' 
 
 Earl rushed down and cranked the engine, ' 
 
 Climbed in and took a chew 
 Then scratched his head and mumbled, 
 
 "What's the first thing I must do? 
 These levers here mean something 
 
 And these pedals for your feet — 
 Well, I'll find out more about it 
 
 When I get out in the street." 
 
 He zig zagged south on Sixth Street 
 
 Then circled round the block 
 McNarrey saw him go by twice 
 
 Then looked up at the clock. 
 He called to Charlie Abraham, 
 
 "Watch out for Tubby'— 'Crip,' 
 Tell him to put the car away 
 
 When he goes by here next trip." 
 
 Charlie answered back, "All right, Chief." 
 
 Then something red flashed by ; 
 "Crip" caught his breath — then shouted, 
 
 "Hey — fellows — stop that guy." 
 Everybody ran for shelter 
 
 A fat man grabbed his hat. 
 As "Tubby" passed him like a shot 
 
 He stammered, "What was that?" 
 
 Charlie rushed into the office 
 
 Screaming, "Chief, that guy won't stop ; 
 He killed a bird dog down the street 
 
 And almost hit a 'cop.' " 
 The chief rushed to a window; 
 
 "Tubby" flashed by on the wing. 
 Shouting as he passed McNarrey, 
 
 "I can't stop this cussed thing." 
 
 McNarrey said — "I'm sorry 
 
 I let Tubby' go alone;" 
 Then pulled his hair and started 
 
 For the ringing telephone. 
 "Hello — is this McNarrey? 
 
 Well — this is Mayor Green; 
 An auto just went by here 
 
 And it looked like your machine." 
 
 -85- 
 
"It has passed here twenty-seven times 
 
 At a pace to beat the band; 
 Now you cannot make a race track 
 
 Of these streets — D'ye understand? 
 At the rate that fellow's going 
 
 He will ruin the mjxhine, 
 Besides using your allowance 
 
 Keeping him in gasoline." 
 
 McNarrey hung up the receiver 
 
 And staggered to a chair, 
 Then a loud report and a deafening crash 
 
 Broke forth upon the air. 
 "Tubby" limped into the office 
 
 And said, "Fm sorry. Chief, 
 I tried to stop with the reverse 
 
 And she stranded on a reef." 
 
 McNarrey said, "Your trial spin 
 
 Was certainly a frost 
 It will take Bert Dill an hour 
 
 To figure up the cost." 
 George Fuller and Joe Simpson 
 
 Went to tow the wreckage in ; 
 They will talk for years at "I" house 
 
 Of "Tubby's" trial spin. 
 
 THE SHATTERED DREAM. 
 
 Miss Katherine Ridpath, the "hello" girl, 
 
 On night duty for the "Met," 
 Sighed wearily as she answered, 
 
 "The line is busy yet ; 
 You'll simply have to wait — that's all — 
 
 There's nothing else to do. 
 If you'll leave your name and number 
 
 I will call you when they're through." 
 
 A pal of Katherine dropped in 
 
 And sung out, "Howdy Kate? 
 I've been taking in the movies. 
 
 That's why I'm out so late. 
 And say, Kate, I have news for you ; 
 
 I got a card today 
 From a friend out in the country 
 
 Midst the scent of new mown hay." 
 
 "She sent me an invitation 
 
 To visit her next spring. 
 To spend my week vacation; 
 
 Isn't she the dearest thing? 
 I have never seen the country, 
 
 And I can hardly wait. 
 Gee — I know I'll have a swell time ; 
 
 Why, what's the matter, Kate?" 
 
 -«6- 
 
Katherine shot both hands up skyward 
 
 With a look of sheer despair 
 And as emphasis she madly jammed 
 
 Her back comb in her hair. 
 "Say — listen, little girlie, 
 
 That farm dope listens fine ; 
 Go to it if you like it, 
 
 But no more of it for mine." 
 
 "I tried that stunt last summer 
 
 And say — the sea was rough ; 
 I fell — just like you're doing — 
 
 For that "Back to Nature" stuff. 
 The guys that write that stuff, Kid, 
 
 Live in a swell hotel ; 
 They've never seen the country, 
 
 They write that junk to sell." 
 
 "Say — I dreamed of loose kimonos, 
 
 Sunbonnets and old shoes, 
 
 Of shady lanes and country folks 
 
 Who do just as they choose ; 
 Of singing birds and grassy dells 
 
 And all that line of junk. 
 But take it from Yours Truly, 
 
 That stuff is plain old bunc." 
 
 "I will say THIS — for the country; 
 
 They sure live as fine as silk. 
 I cleaned up a flock of chickens 
 
 And I drank a barrel of milk. 
 I'm a fool about home cooking. 
 
 But here's a tip for you: 
 Just remember. Kid, that eating 
 
 Ain't the ONLY thing you do." 
 
 "You hit the shucks at seven bells 
 
 (There's no place else to go) ; 
 Say, you'd trade your chance at heaven 
 
 For a good old 'jitney' show. 
 The hoot owls, frogs and crickets 
 
 Serenade you ever night, 
 And, say, cornfed mosquitoes 
 
 Can put up an awful fight." 
 
 "Of a day the sun beats down so hot 
 
 The leaves burn on the trees ; 
 The shady lane is a country road 
 
 With the dust up to your knees. 
 I'm not trying to discourage you, 
 
 But say, Kid, it's no lark, 
 Get the same effect without the grief 
 
 At Swope or Fairmount Park." 
 
 r-87— 
 
"All you get is ONE vacation 
 
 An' a week's a lot to lose 
 Where you cannot see a street car 
 
 And there's no cure for the blues. 
 The guy that writes this nature stuff 
 
 Is talking through his hat ; 
 I admit it's fine — to READ about — 
 
 But let it go at that." 
 
 THE BLOODLESS BATTLE. 
 
 "Ben" Rhoads (the lightning chauffeur) 
 
 Raises turkeys by the drove, 
 And he talks all day of turkeys 
 
 As he sits beside the stove. 
 The fire boys have grown to know 
 
 When Ben's about to spout, 
 And when they see the symptoms 
 
 The bunch soon scatters out. 
 
 "Ben" is just a trifle sensitive 
 
 On the subject, understand. 
 If you agree with what he says 
 
 He takes you by the hand; 
 But if you're the least bit doubtful 
 
 And you hesitate to fall 
 For the line of salve he hands you ; 
 
 Well, you're a "boob" — that's all. 
 
 George Smith (alias "Phoney") 
 
 (A new man on the job) 
 Said, "That 'hick' dreams of turkeys — 
 
 Say, that big sleepy 'slob' 
 Just proves that he's weak minded 
 
 With that insane line o' talk; 
 That *mutt' don't know the difference 
 
 Between a turkey and a hawk." 
 
 Walter Laverick said, " 'Phoney,' 
 
 If 'Ben' knew what you said. 
 He'd come right over here, Kid, 
 
 And punch your big hard head !" 
 "Is THAT so, Kid, you're dreaming, 
 
 I hope he comes today; 
 Just telephone this hoosier 
 
 And tell him what I say." 
 
 "I can lick him on a nickel, 
 
 Just telephone this 'turk,' 
 That cleaning up such 'boobs' as him 
 
 Is just my line o' work.'' 
 Laverick phoned to Rhoads and told him 
 
 And "The Turk" screamed out, ;'Say, Walt, 
 Tell that 'simp' I eat 'four flushers' 
 
 And I won't need any salt." 
 
Tom Finn arranged a meeting 
 
 For that afternoon at three; 
 They agreed to fight at catch weights, 
 
 With Frank Stack as referee. 
 At the call of "time" they rushed and clinched 
 
 Like a pair of "dubs" half shot; 
 Merry called out : "Someone whistle 
 
 The Turkey' wants to trot !" 
 
 "Turkey Ben" pulled out a monkey wrench 
 
 And swung at "Phoney'^" beak, 
 Screaming, "I'm a tjurkey buzzard, 
 
 And I come from Turkey Creek !" 
 "Phgney" ran around the wagon. 
 
 Rushed up to "Turkey Ben," 
 Slapped at him open handed 
 
 Then turned and ran again. 
 
 "Turkey" took out after "Phoney" 
 
 And followed him up stairs; 
 The bunch below could hear them 
 
 Scaling beds and hurdling chairs ! 
 Suddenly everything grew silent 
 
 And the bunch below looked grave, 
 Then "Turkey" came down saying, 
 
 "Phoney stopped to take a shave." 
 
 After "Phoney" shaved and brushed his hair 
 
 The battle was resumed. 
 With "The Turkey" entering protest 
 
 At the way George Smith was groomed. 
 "Turkey" screamed above the tumult, 
 
 "He's stepping on my corn !" _ 
 
 Then he tied the score by spitting 
 
 On Smith's new uniform. 
 
 Tom Finn then shouted : "Stop it ! 
 
 Separate those children, men! 
 If Tick Up' Lowe should drop in here 
 
 We'd. all go to the pen!" 
 Frank Stack declared the bout a draw ; 
 
 The bunch sung out "Good Night!'* 
 Finn took a chew of Granger Twist 
 
 Then sneered and said : "SOME FIGHT !" 
 
 IT WAS TIME TO GO. 
 
 "Pierpont" Morgan (fire fighter) 
 
 Has been in the game for years, 
 When it comes to nerve and action 
 
 It is said he has no peers. 
 When the double platoon system 
 
 Was installed on New Year's day. 
 Among the new men sent to 5's 
 
 Was a husky, named McCray. 
 
 -89- 
 
When it came to talking bravery 
 
 This new man was a bug. 
 While he couldn't tell a "dead man" 
 
 From a nozzle or a plug. 
 He would sit and rave for hours 
 
 On what a hero he would be ; 
 Morgan told McCray one evening, 
 
 "Maybe so — we'll wait and see." 
 
 They made a run one evening 
 
 To a mill in Armourdale ; 
 The fire was a bad one 
 
 And the north wind blew a gale. 
 The building was an old one — 
 
 A great big empty shack. 
 The fire was out by 2 a. m. 
 
 And the boys all started back. 
 
 Chief McNarrey called 5's captain, 
 
 Saying, "Jones, one man must stay 
 With the ruins," and Jones answered, 
 
 "All right. Chief, I'll leave McCray." 
 "Cap" Jones gave "Mac" instructions 
 
 And "Mac" said, " 'Cap,' I think 
 I could handle this watch better 
 
 If I had one little drink." 
 
 "Nothing doing in the booze line," 
 
 And the captain turned to go. 
 "Mac" said, " 'Cap,' it's mighty lonesome 
 
 And it's dark down here you know." 
 As the men climbed on the wagon 
 
 Morgan turned and yelled, "Say, 'Mac,' 
 There has been a lot of murders 
 
 Committed in that shack." 
 
 McCray grew mighty drowsy — 
 
 Now and then he'd nod his head; 
 But he couldn't sleep for thinking 
 
 Of the last thing Morgan said. 
 Now the fire chief, McNarrey, 
 
 Wears a slicker that is white. 
 With black straps 'cross the front of it — 
 
 It's a gruesome thing at night. 
 
 At 5 a. m. McNarrey, 
 Returning from a run, 
 Decided he'd drive by the mill 
 
 On his way to No. 1. 
 McNarrey wore his slicker — 
 
 It was buttoned to his throat. 
 As he walked up McCray roused up 
 
 And saw that ghost-like coat. 
 
 r-90-- 
 
"Mac" looked — then yelled and started; 
 
 McNarrey grabbed his hat — 
 As McCray passed by him like a shot, 
 
 "Jack" stammered, "What was that?" 
 His driver said, "I don't know, Chief, 
 
 But it looked some like McCray.'' 
 McNarrey said, "Well, if it was, 
 
 He sure was on his way." 
 
 They started through the ruins 
 
 When McNarrey gave a start ; 
 He found footprints of rubber boots 
 
 That were forty feet apart. 
 They drove back to headquarters — 
 
 "Jack" hurried up the stair 
 And called "Cap" Jones at 5 house, 
 
 "Has McCray shown up out there?" 
 
 "Why, he's been here a long time. Chief, 
 
 He came in all out of breath — 
 He clung to me and told me 
 
 He'd been face to face with death. 
 "I don't know what he meant, Chief, 
 
 But something got his goat." 
 "Jack" said, "I think I know, 'Cap,' 
 
 He saw my graveyard coat." 
 
 STREET CAR JOE. 
 
 They talk about their "Lovey Joe,'' 
 
 The "lovin' rag time man;" 
 But when it comes to street cars, 
 
 "Lovey Joe's" an "also ran." 
 The real thing in the town today. 
 
 From the signal bell to "go" 
 Is Joe Cavett of the L road, 
 
 Better known as "Street Car Joe." 
 
 His watch chain is of wire. 
 
 With a "hanger" for a charm. 
 And in his cap he carries 
 
 A small brass gong alarm. 
 He slows down at every crossing, 
 
 Whether on a car or not. 
 And he can make a west side "goat" 
 
 Do the "turkey trot." 
 
 He has a bell cord on his door bell. 
 
 And a headlight in the hall ; 
 A picture of the L barn 
 
 Is hanging on the wall. 
 With a fender on the bath tub. 
 
 And a hand brake on the bed. 
 He runs to "slumberland" each night 
 
 With a red light at his head. 
 
 r-91-- 
 
His coffee pot is a sand box, 
 
 With electric heat for fires. 
 Instead of using knives and forks 
 
 He uses ten-inch phers. 
 When it comes to making records 
 
 He puts Oldfield on the blink, 
 With a trolley wheel upon the pipe 
 
 Just o'er the kitchen sink. 
 
 He has a controller on the dresser 
 
 And a gear pan on the range; 
 A register on the halltree, 
 
 And neighbors thought it strange 
 When he brought a load of ballast, 
 
 And laid a ballast bed 
 Of standard width for single track 
 
 From the back porch to the shed. 
 
 Steve Johnson swears that "Street Car Joe" 
 
 Has kick springs in his feet. 
 And on his front porch up at home 
 
 Is a long straw cushioned seat. 
 He has currants in his light bread, 
 
 And sash buttons in his mush. 
 While he combs his hair each morning 
 
 With a rotary "sweeper" brush. 
 
 When it comes to talking politics 
 
 Joe's memory is bad, 
 But he knows every schedule 
 
 The L road ever had. 
 He has replacers in the pantry 
 
 And a switch bar on the stand, 
 With this motto in the parlor : 
 
 "If You're Slipping — Drop Your Sand." 
 
 He has an armature in the dining room, 
 
 A motor in the hall. 
 While thirty-thousand transfers 
 
 Form the paper on the wall. 
 An automatic on the heater. 
 
 And a fuse upon each light, 
 A punch upon the sideboard — 
 
 "Street Car Joe" must have things right. 
 
 Carpets lined off like a pair of tracks 
 
 Are stretched upon the floor. 
 His davenport's a double truck. 
 
 There's a switch at every door. 
 When it comes to other topics 
 
 There's a lot Joe doesn't know, 
 But for street car dope just pass the prize 
 
 To the wizzard, "Street Car Joe." 
 
 —92— 
 
THE PRIZE WINNER. 
 
 George Koran out at nine house 
 Was working on a shawl, 
 But laid aside his knitting, 
 To talk to Jimmie Wall. 
 "Wally" and Joe Lukins 
 Dropped in to number nine. 
 And fell to telling stories. 
 Which is right in Koran's line. 
 
 Koran told them of the navy 
 
 And his life upon the sea. 
 
 How he ran two hundred Spaniards 
 
 Single-handed — up a tree. 
 
 "I fought fully sixty greasers 
 
 With a Barlow pocket knife. 
 
 And was whistling Yankee Doodle, 
 
 As I battled for my life." 
 
 "I mowed that gang of Spaniards down, 
 
 Until all were dead but one. 
 
 He was as big as Harley Gunnerson, 
 
 I'll bet he weighed a ton. 
 
 He had a corn knife in each hand 
 
 And he set an awful pace. 
 
 Until I cut his head off — men, 
 
 And threw it in his face." 
 
 Joe Lukins said, "That's going some 
 
 And you certainly show class 
 
 But I almost laugh myself to death 
 
 When I think of Henry Glass. 
 
 When 'Blaze' first donned a uniform, 
 
 He had one plan in view. 
 
 He yearned to be a hero, 
 
 A hero — through and through." 
 
 "Blaze" was serious about it, 
 Though the "boys" thought it a joke. 
 Henry never got through telling 
 How he loved the smell of smoke. 
 "Blaze" had figured in spare moments 
 How he'd rush into the flame. 
 And carry out a lady, 
 Then the world would shout his name." 
 
 "Well, we made a run one evening, 
 On a general alarm. 
 A boarding house was burning 
 Out near the "L" Road barn. 
 A high east wind was blowing 
 And I want to tell you *Bo' 
 That by the time we got there 
 The block looked doomed to go." 
 
 —93— 
 
Henry Glass was sure some happy 
 
 And I thought he'd sure drop dead, 
 
 When he heard a lady screaming 
 
 In a window overhead. 
 
 He yelled, "Have courage lady, 
 
 I will save you — have no fears," 
 
 And he thought of how he'd prayed for 
 
 This one chance for many years. 
 
 Henry climbed in through a window, 
 But the lady was not there. 
 He thought he saw her standing 
 Near the railing, by the stair. 
 He wrapped her in a blanket, 
 Brought her down and took one look, 
 Then fainted as he realized. 
 He had saved the negro cook. 
 
 "Wally" said, "Boys — that reminds me 
 
 Of a run, five years ago. 
 
 We made at two o'clock a. m.. 
 
 In about two feet of snow. 
 
 "Storm" Blake seemed rather nervous 
 
 As he sprang into the seat, 
 
 And I saw him firmly set his lips, 
 
 As we swung into the street." 
 
 We were going west on Central, 
 
 With the horses stretching out, 
 
 When I saw the right front wheel come off, 
 
 I hadn't time to shout. 
 
 That front wheel ran for twenty blocks 
 
 When it was caught by "Lind." 
 
 George Koran yawned, got up and stretched, 
 
 Then softly said — "You win.'" 
 
 )» 
 
 "ONE ROUND DUCKY." 
 
 "Ducky" Moran at Number 2 house 
 
 Had been interested for years, 
 
 In the doings of the prize ring 
 
 And he said he had no fears. 
 
 Of the present crop of fighters. 
 
 And often said, "If I cut loose, 
 
 "I could make these so-called 'champions' 
 
 Look like a dirty deuce." 
 
 The bunch at 2's encouraged him 
 And he finally made a match. 
 "Ducky" said he'd prove to everyone 
 He could soon clean up the batch. 
 "Say, when I get through with Brewer 
 And this Ferns guy they'll behave. 
 All I need to trim these stallers 
 Is a hair cut and a shave." 
 
 -94-^ 
 
They matched him with an unknown 
 Who (in shape) just tipped the beam, 
 At one hundred twenty even, 
 And was certainly a scream. 
 When it come down to condition, 
 He looked drawn — and pale as death. 
 The first time "Ducky'' saw him, 
 It almost took his breath. 
 
 **Ducky" went to *'Buger" Sayers, 
 (His chief second in the fight) 
 And said, "Say, I'm no quitter, 
 But I tell you it ain't right. 
 To fight a human clothes pin. 
 Though he's willing and dead game. 
 Why it's nothing short of murder 
 And I tell you — it's a shame." 
 
 Buger said, "That's all right, "Ducky" 
 
 I guess he knows what he's about, 
 
 And he wouldn't take the chances 
 
 If he couldn't "go the route.'' 
 
 The fight fans had assembled 
 
 And excitement was intense. 
 
 As "Ducky" crawled in through the ropes, 
 
 With a look of confidence. 
 
 He was nodding to acquaintances. 
 When the "skeleton" came in. 
 Puffing at a "Turkish Trophy" 
 While his drawn face wore a grin. 
 He crossed to "Ducky's" corner, 
 With a twinkle in his eye. 
 And said, "Before the bell rings, 
 Bid your relatives good bye." 
 
 In the crowd around the ringside 
 Was a robust, portly man. 
 Who nodded pleasantly and smiled 
 As he looked up at Moran. 
 "Ducky" thought him an admirer, 
 And he said to Buger — "Say, 
 That big guy there's a plunger. 
 He put a bet on me today." 
 
 "Buger" took one look, then shuddered 
 As he said, "Kid, don't feel blue, 
 That's Ed Daniels — undertaker. 
 Waiting patiently for you." 
 "Ducky" said, "He must be crazy" 
 Then the crowd sent up a yell 
 As "Buger" said, "So long kid, 
 See you later — there's the bell." 
 
 -95- 
 
"Ducky" rushed out to the center 
 And the unknown made a swing, 
 That landed flush on "Ducky's" jaw 
 And "Ducky" left the ring. 
 He landed in the audience 
 With a dull and sickening thud, 
 The referee raised the unknown's hand, 
 And shouted, "You win, Bud." 
 
 Two weeks later at St. Marys', 
 
 Moran was doing fairly well. 
 
 The doctor said he MIGHT live through it. 
 
 Though 'twas pretty hard to tell. 
 
 Six teeth were gone, his tongue was split, 
 
 And he had a broken thumb. 
 
 His eyes were closed, his ears enlarged 
 
 And his nose was out of plumb. 
 
 "Ducky" finally recovered. 
 
 And reported down to 2, 
 
 A stranger asked for "Ducky" 
 
 And said, "They say that you 
 
 Are looking for a fight, kid, 
 
 I can match you up today." 
 
 "Ducky" turned and screamed "Have mercy.' 
 
 Then fainted dead away. 
 
 THE RECRUIT. 
 
 When "Spike'' Carpenter of No. 3 
 
 First donned a suit of blue 
 He swore he'd be a grand success 
 
 And would lead the "first prize" crew 
 In about six months he proved to be 
 
 The toughest of the drove ; 
 Old "Spike" was simply "pig iron" 
 
 (When sitting by the stove.) 
 
 He would strut around the quarters 
 
 And beat upon his breast. 
 As he yearned to prove his metal 
 
 In a trying — crucial test. 
 "Why, look me over, fellows. 
 
 While I may look pale and drawn. 
 There's not an ounce of surplus flesh ; 
 
 I'm all muscle, brain and brawn.' 
 
 "I used to be a marvel, boys. 
 
 And was famous for my strength ; 
 I used to catch my waist and hold 
 
 Myself out at arm's length. 
 Why, this guy Sampson is a mutt 
 
 When it comes to strength and looks; 
 I'm living — and among you 
 
 You just read of HIM — in books," 
 
 -96^ 
 
"There is nothing I'm afraid of 
 
 And when I learn this game, 
 You'll see the name of Carpenter 
 
 Upon the walls of fame. 
 I want to make a record 
 
 And may some day be your chief, 
 With my spotless, well-earned record 
 
 Standing out in bold relief." 
 
 "There is 'Limpy' Hill — all crippled up 
 
 By a mere tap on the knee, 
 But ril assure you now, men. 
 
 That — that won't occur to me. 
 And there's Tom Finn, who is laying off 
 
 With a small scratch on his head; 
 Why an accident that would kill these guys 
 
 Would not send me to bed." 
 
 "Spike" labored late and early. 
 
 And in about a year 
 He had learned enough to come down the pole 
 
 (If everything was clear.) 
 Jim McCauley used to coach him 
 
 On how to catch a plug 
 Until the bunch began to think 
 
 They both were going "bug." 
 
 They made a run at midnight 
 
 To a fire near Shawnee Park 
 And "Spike" jammed on his helmet 
 
 As they raced on in the dark, 
 "Foxy Grandpa" Finn was driving 
 
 And he sent the team along. 
 As "Spike" hoped he'd have a chance to work 
 
 Before a mighty throng. 
 
 "Spike's" heart began to flutter 
 As they dashed along the street ; 
 When "Sticks" Conroy yelled at him, 
 
 "Drop off, and keep your feet.'' 
 "Spike" dropped off of the wagon 
 
 And turned a "somerset" 
 Then yelled to "Sticks," "Stay where you are, 
 
 ril get to water yet." 
 
 They heard "Spike" yell, "I've got it," 
 
 Tim Morrisey rushed back. 
 And screamed above the tumult, 
 
 "You corn-fed hackensack. 
 Why don't you catch a water plug? 
 
 You leather-headed chump ; 
 Instead of geting water. 
 
 You boob, you caught a stump." 
 
 -97- 
 
BUT LITTLE JACK WAS GONE. 
 
 "Jack" Jenkins (Midget chauffeur) 
 
 At headquarters of a night 
 Would Hsten to the coppers 
 
 As they'd recall some fight, 
 They had with some bad prisoner 
 
 They had found hard to arrest. 
 "Jack" would look with admiration 
 
 At these men who'd stood the test. 
 
 "Jack" would envy the broad shoulders 
 
 And the big fists of these men 
 He would sigh and look them over 
 
 Then sigh and look again. 
 "Why must I remain a midget? 
 
 Well, there's no use feeling blue 
 Some day I'll get a chance to show 
 
 What a little man can do." 
 
 He would get away off to himself 
 
 And fight imaginary men ; 
 He would run down desperate criminals 
 
 And land them in the "Pen." 
 One night when things were quiet 
 
 He told "Jim' Cook his plan. 
 Saying, "I will prove to all the world 
 
 That I'm a mighty man." 
 
 "Big Jim" Cook agreed to tell him 
 
 Where a bad man could be found. 
 "Jack" said, "Do that, I'll go get him 
 
 And we'll travel 'round and 'round." 
 It was just a few nights later 
 
 "Big Jim" called Jack out and said, 
 "Yonder goes a holy terror 
 
 With a price upon his head." 
 
 "Jack" rushed in and grabbed his pistol 
 
 Then rushed back to trail his man, 
 Mumbling, "I will tame this teror 
 
 If anybody can." 
 "Jack'' watched the terror disappear 
 
 In a big dark looking shack — 
 He slipped up to the door step 
 
 Then turned 'round and started back. 
 
 He felt a big hand on his shoulder 
 
 And his heart kept shouting, "Run," 
 Then a deep, gruff voice said pleasantly, 
 
 "Do you, live around here son?" 
 Jenkins looked up at the terror 
 
 Then he looked the other way 
 Wishing he was at the station 
 
 While he wondered what tQ say, 
 
 —98- 
 
"Well," the holy terror blustered, 
 
 "What's the matter, son — -you skeerd? 
 Thar ain't nuthin' goin' to hurt cha 
 
 So you needn't be a feard." 
 "Jack" looked up and stammered, ^Mister, 
 
 I lost a nickel here — that's why 
 You found me in this alley." 
 
 And the terror said, "Don't cry." 
 
 The holy terror lit a match 
 
 And began to look around. 
 "Jack" slipped his badge and 'forty-five" 
 
 Behind an old box on the ground, 
 The man said, "I can't find it — 
 
 Too bad, Son — Hully, Gee, 
 But come back in the mornin' 
 
 When it's light enough to see." 
 
 "But — wait a minute. Sonny, 
 
 "Till I look around once more; 
 I'll look over this way. Sonny, 
 
 Whar I didn't look before." 
 "Jack" wished the man would turn his back 
 
 So he'd have a chance to run 
 And his brained reeled as the terror said, 
 
 "Wal — look here — here's a gun!" 
 
 "An say, Son, it's a whopper — 
 
 A colt six — forty-five. 
 An' here's a copper's badge, Son, 
 
 Jest as shore as you're alive. 
 Thar's somethin' mighty creepy 
 
 About this thing — I swan." 
 But his comments fell on vacant space 
 
 For 'Little Jack' had gone. 
 
 BUMMY' EDMUNDS AND THE THIEF. 
 
 A man walked into 5 house. 
 
 Looked long at all the men — 
 He nodded silently to all 
 
 Then started out again. 
 Eight pair of wide eyes followed him — 
 
 At the door he turned around; 
 Then looking at the bunch again 
 
 He came back and sat down. 
 
 He turned to Fred White, saying. 
 
 In a voice deep-toned and clear, 
 "I am looking for 'Jim' Edmunds — 
 
 I was told I'd find him here." 
 Fred answered: "Well, he works here, 
 
 But this month he works at night — 
 You can see him after supper." 
 
 And the stranger said, "All right." 
 
 —99- 
 
Tm an old friend of 'Jim' Edmunds ; 
 
 I have known him all my life — 
 I knew the girl he married 
 
 Long before she was his wife. 
 *Jim' is a dandy fellow, 
 
 A man one likes to know ; 
 But we had the laugh on 'Bummy' — 
 
 While a constable — years ago." 
 
 " 'Bummy was a deputy 
 
 And at twelve o'clock one night 
 His wife began to shake him 
 
 And to call him in her fright ! 
 She stopped to listen, now and then, 
 
 To the barking of the dog ! 
 Then she'd shake and shout at *Bummy' 
 
 Who was sleeping like a log." 
 
 "Jim raised up for a minute 
 
 And said, "never mind that pup 
 You can listen all you want to. 
 
 But, please, don't wake me up. 
 You're gettin' so you holler 
 
 Every time you hear him yelp, 
 And the first thing in the morning 
 
 I'm a goin' to kill that whelp." 
 
 "Jim' stretched out between the blankets 
 
 And soon to began to snore. 
 His wife began to shake him. 
 
 Saying: "Some one's at the door; 
 Some one's breaking in the cellar — 
 
 Do you hear me ? Wake up 'Jim' ! 
 'Jim' roused up some and told her 
 
 It was no surprise to him." 
 
 "She finally woke him, saying: 
 
 "Did you hear that chicken squawk?" 
 Jim said : "I wouldn't do down stairs 
 
 If I heard a chicken talk — 
 I know there's some one down there, 
 
 But he's a bad man — like as not — 
 If I go tamperin' around him 
 
 I am liable to get shot.'' 
 
 "A man who breaks into your house 
 
 Will come prepared to kill — 
 I'm not on duty now, you know, 
 
 So you might as well keep still. 
 He is welcome to the chickens ; 
 
 I'm not worryin' my head, 
 I'll not bother any burglar 
 
 Unless he tries to steal my bed," 
 
 —100— 
 
 I 
 
"Mrs. Edmunds said : "I've heard of men 
 
 Who heard strange sounds at night ; 
 Who were willing to protect their wives 
 
 Even if they had to fight." 
 'Jim' answered : "Yes, I've heard of men 
 
 Who went lookin' for a row ; 
 They were game men for a minute, 
 
 But they're in the grave-yard now." 
 
 "At last to satisfy his wife, 
 
 *Jim' grumblingly arose; 
 He made a lot of racket 
 
 As he felt 'round for his clothes. 
 He yelled out of the kitchen door, 
 
 Loud enough to wake the dead — 
 "I see you stealing chickens !" 
 
 Then went back and crawled in bed/' 
 
 PAT HURLEY'S DREAM. 
 
 Pat Hurley down at Riverview, 
 Scratched his head and thought, 
 As he strolled down to the shanty ; 
 'Twas seclusion that he sought. 
 He was thinking of his birthday, 
 Wondering how he'd entertain 
 And was fast becoming drowsy 
 Underneath the telling strain. 
 
 He sat down in a corner 
 
 After poking up the fire 
 
 And watched the wavering wreath of smoke 
 
 Curl upward from his briar. 
 
 His eyes closed and he nodded 
 
 Then his pipe dropped to the floor 
 
 As he nestled in the corner 
 
 And soon began to snore. 
 
 The clanging of the car bells 
 And the tramp of passing feet 
 Had no effect upon him ; 
 He was wrapped in slumber sweet. 
 A smile played o'er his features 
 And, as good nature beamed 
 From his untroubled countenance 
 This is what he dreamed : 
 
 The house was gayly lighted 
 
 With a flag man in the road 
 
 And the table in the dining room 
 
 Groaned underneath its load. 
 
 Dave Luke was head dispenser 
 
 With Steve Johnson next in line 
 
 While Steve Van Meter pulled the corks 
 
 On champagne and rare wine. 
 
 —101— 
 
The large crowd soon came tramping in; 
 
 'Twas a long and jolly line 
 
 Without a single accident, 
 
 The rail was simply fine. 
 
 Pat, in his new claw hammer coat 
 
 Received them at the door 
 
 And the "turn-ins" the conductors left 
 
 Made a huge pile on the floor. 
 
 Abe Hoshaw was toastmaster 
 
 With a "Colt six" in his hand. 
 
 While Steinbeck issued transfers 
 
 With a smile serene and bland. 
 
 "Hard Head" Green and Frankie Wittcraft 
 
 Ate everything in sight 
 
 And Pat says, "That looks promisin'," 
 
 "Perhaps there'll be a fight." 
 
 John Swanson says, "Dis sure bane fine,*' 
 
 "A fine time — bless my soul," 
 
 Then he fainted as George Kennedy 
 
 Drank from his finger bowl. 
 
 George Miller started through the hall 
 
 With one long, mighty squeeze, 
 
 But he wedged there and Hugh Kelly yelled, 
 
 "Up in front !" "Step forward, please !" 
 
 They called a wrecking crew at once 
 
 To get George Miller out. 
 
 Pat brought in three replacers 
 
 And the crowd began to shout 
 
 While George was struggling bravely 
 
 With a grave look on his face, 
 
 George Green called out Bill Kane and Smith 
 
 And told them to fill space. 
 
 The crowd was yelling for a speech; 
 
 Pat arose with glass in hand 
 
 And said, "My dear beloved friends, 
 
 I'll do the best I can; 
 
 It affords me much real pleasure. 
 
 As I look without one pang 
 
 Into the seamy faces 
 
 Of this great hard drinking gang." 
 
 Then Frank Buehler, with a souse on 
 Did a toe dance — 'twas sublime. 
 Until he went to skidding 
 And broke his right leg seven times. 
 Everything was going lovely 
 'Till Ed Hawkins cleared his throat 
 And tried to pin a yellow rose 
 Upon Pat Hurley's coat. 
 
 —102— 
 
Pat's winsome smile soon disappeared 
 And he took the right-of-way 
 When Henry Kjellquist shouted 
 "That man's an A. P. A.!" 
 The fight was fast and furious 
 'Till Hoshaw began to shout 
 And the gang all ran for shelter 
 When his ''blue steel six" rang out. 
 
 Pat was underneath the table 
 
 And his eyes began to shine 
 
 As he yelled, "Who's riot is this? 
 
 Tell me, Hoshaw, yours or mine?" 
 
 Frank Brown remarked in deep disgust, 
 
 "A beastly crowd — by jove," 
 
 Then Pat awoke to find he had 
 
 A leg hold on the stove. 
 
 THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT. 
 
 (Author's note — A letter from Hugh Kelly (for- 
 mer West Side conductor, now residing in Oakland, 
 Cal.), gives his address as the Don Apartments. 
 The following argument is but one of the many 
 upon the construction and furnishing of the Don 
 Apartments). 
 
 Our old friend Hughie Kelly 
 
 Has been gone a year or more. 
 But his name is often mentioned 
 
 In Wood & Coldwell's store; 
 In the rear of that prescription case, 
 
 When evening trade is light ; 
 Dave Luke and 'Old Steve' Johnson 
 
 Sit and argue half the night. 
 
 They argue on all subjects, 
 
 But mostly it's of Hugh, 
 And often times Ed Wood is called 
 
 To separate the two. 
 The other night down in the store 
 
 Steve angered 'Little Dave' 
 By insisting that Hugh Kelly 
 
 Was living in a cave. 
 
 "Why, man ! You're raving crazy ! 
 
 You're a lunatic — that's all ; 
 I'd like to pop you on your chin 
 
 Just to hear your carcass fall; 
 Your age is all that saves you. 
 
 You've been talking through your hat 
 Hughie Kelly is no hermit; 
 
 Hugh is living in a flat !" 
 
 —10^ 
 
"Hugh lives at the 'Don Apartments/ 
 
 A swell place — up to date, 
 Why man, it's like a mansion 
 
 On a millionaire's estate; 
 Electric lights, pianos 
 
 It is one of those homesteads, 
 With solid marble bath rooms 
 
 And disappearing beds." 
 
 "A million dollars' worth of books ; 
 
 Swell rugs of tiger skin, 
 A butler in a uniform 
 
 To let the boarders in; 
 Electric bells to call the maids, 
 
 Oiled floors beneath your feet, 
 A mahogany dining table 
 
 With the choicest things to eat." 
 
 " 'Bill' Kane then interrupted Dave 
 
 And said: "Well, goodness knows, 
 How a man like Hughie stays there. 
 
 With just one suit of clothes. 
 I will bet a hundred dollars. 
 
 And I'll leave the coin with Ed, 
 That when a man stands up the roof 
 
 Ain't two feet from his head." 
 
 *ril bet a man, who's six feet tall. 
 Can stand upon the floor. 
 
 Put his arm up through the chimney 
 And open the front door. 
 
 That big name, 'Don Apartments' 
 Is nothing but a stall ; 
 
 I'll bet a man sleeps in the yard 
 
 If he's over five feet tall !' " 
 
 'T'll bet you there's a pig pen , 
 
 Built against the kitchen door 
 And the boards squeak River Shannon 
 
 When you walk across the floor; 
 I will bet the snoring boarders 
 
 Sound like great Niagara Falls, 
 And I'll bet the butler's uniform 
 
 Is a pair of overalls." 
 
 "Well," Dave said, "I'll \vrite to Hughie 
 
 To take a life sized view 
 Of the palatial Don Apartments, 
 
 And send it back to you." 
 "What evidence would that be? 
 
 Hugh could send a photograph 
 Of the city hall or court house 
 
 And then sit down and laugh." 
 
 —104— 
 
"Just tell me how you're going to prove 
 
 The picture's on the square? 
 I know Hugh ain't rubbing elbows 
 
 With no multi-millionaire. 
 Just because the name sounds big to you 
 
 Don't prove the place is swell." 
 Dave grabbed his hat and started out, 
 
 Turned and shouted : "Go to h V 
 
 SPRINTING "PICKIE" BELL. 
 
 Sam Nichols down at No. 2 
 
 Was rolling on the floor; 
 He'd laugh a while then rest a while, 
 
 Then he would laugh some more. 
 "June" Marshall was hysterical; 
 
 Lee Morgan was so weak 
 From laughing that he sought his bed; 
 
 He couldn't even speak. 
 
 "Dog Face" Smith and "Jakie" Jacobson 
 
 Were leaning against the wall ; 
 "Giby" Gibson was unconscious 
 
 On the floor out in the hall. 
 "Buger Sayers broke his collar bone 
 
 In a frenzied laughing fit. 
 The near horse on the wagon 
 
 Laughed until he broke his bit. 
 
 The police ran from the station 
 
 To see what was going on; 
 They worked upon "June" Marshall 
 
 For "June" was almost gone. 
 After finally reviving him 
 
 He rested for a spell 
 Then told the cops this story 
 
 About sprinting "Pickie" Bell: 
 
 "You have heard of fast men, Kiddo, 
 
 But a pigeon on the wing 
 When it comes right down to speeding, 
 
 Well, it simply ain't a thing. 
 A rabbit has a record, 
 
 But it hides it's face in shame. 
 And will madly dash for shelter. 
 
 At the mention of Bell's name.'* 
 
 "It happened just the other day v 
 
 And we are laughing yet. 
 We took the cart to Anderson's 
 
 To have the tires reset. 
 
 On our way back to our quarters 
 
 We heard "Buger" Sayers' shout, 
 "There's a bunch of weeds on fire. 
 
 Let's put the fire out !' " 
 
 —105- 
 
'*We tried to smother out the flames 
 
 With slickers and old clothes 
 But saw we couldn't make it 
 
 So we laid a line of hose. 
 After putting out the fire 
 
 We were about to go; 
 'Jakie' Jacobson yelled to Tickie,' 
 
 Tut on the plug cap ; gee, you're slow.' 
 
 " Tickie' smiled back as he answered, 
 
 'We will soon be in the clear,' 
 When glancing o'er his shoulder 
 
 He beheld a charging steer. 
 With a shout of fright he started 
 
 And as he passed the crew 
 *Jakie' yelled, 'Where are you going?' 
 
 And Tickie' yelled back, 'Down to 2.' 
 
 "Now, 'Pickie' is a 'south paw'. 
 
 And we couldn't help but smile 
 When 'Pickie' threw a hose wrench 
 
 And missed the steer a mile. 
 He dodged beneath the 'L' road 
 
 The color of a ghost 
 And led the steer by seven feet 
 
 As he dodged from post to post." 
 
 "He screamed out, 'Rope him, fellers,' 
 
 As he stumbled o'er a ridge. 
 Then looking once more at the steer 
 
 He headed for the bridge. 
 The steer was slowly gaining 
 
 And they made our watches hum 
 To snatch the time, for 'Pickie' 
 
 And the steer were going some." 
 
 " 'Pickie' reached the fire station. 
 
 Rushed in and locked the door. 
 He was panting like a lizard 
 
 When we found him on the floor. 
 When it comes right down to action 
 
 Old mercury is a ham ; 
 There is only one thing ties him, 
 
 And that's a telegram." 
 
 WHATS IN A KISS? 
 
 What's in a kiss, you ask; ah, me, 
 That could be discussed to eternity, 
 And no matter how the opinions may blend. 
 There is food for much thought clear through to 
 the end. 
 
 —106-^ 
 
Literally speaking, I feel quite secure 
 In saying it represents all that is pure, 
 But life at its best you must admit frail, 
 With hypocrisy prominent, leaving it's trail. 
 
 Kisses of gratitude, the kiss of relief. 
 Kisses of happiness, kisses of grief; 
 Passionate kisses, the kiss that is mild. 
 The fond mother's kiss to an innocent child. 
 
 The kiss that brings confidence, drives away tears, 
 
 Bringing new hope, dispelling our fears ; 
 
 The kiss of the dying, nearing life's end, 
 
 The kiss of a warm-hearted, staunch and true friend. 
 
 The kiss of formality, distant and cold. 
 The kiss of the timid, the kiss of the bold, 
 The kiss of the aged, the kiss of the youth. 
 The kiss of deception, the kiss of pure truth. 
 
 It represents volumes, transmitting themes. 
 Unspeakable thoughts, the ambition of dreams ; 
 The passport of truthfulness when properly used. 
 The emblem of purity, though oft times abused. 
 
 The kiss of condolence oft lessens the strife. 
 One kiss of a maiden may change her whole life. 
 Improbable? Yes, but never the less, 
 Just one little kiss has caused years of distress. 
 
 What's in a kiss? A future — sometimes. 
 To some it means gladness, the pealing of chimes. 
 To some it means ruin, to some its means bliss. 
 There is unfathomable power in one little kiss. 
 
 THE SMACKER CONVENTION. 
 
 Chief McNarrey paced his office 
 
 With an anxious, worried look; 
 Now and then he'd make notations 
 
 In a leather covered book. 
 He mumbled in his ravings. 
 
 With his fingers in his hair. 
 As he reeled across his office. 
 
 Feeling blindly for his chair. 
 
 Then the chief called *'Bert" Dill, saying, 
 
 (In a muffled undertone) 
 "Call 'threes' and get Sam Nichols 
 
 For me — on the telephone." 
 Jack bellowed at Sam Nichols, 
 
 "Whip your prize crew into line ; 
 Failure on your part to do this 
 
 Means discharge or a heavy fine." 
 
 —107— 
 
"I want every representative 
 
 To be ready for the fray, 
 For every day at this convention 
 
 Is to be a gala day. 
 The boys up here at 'one' house 
 
 Are in fine shape for this game 
 And I v^ant the other houses 
 
 And their rigs to be the same." 
 
 " 'Chime' Baker and Joe Simpson 
 
 Will perform upon high wire, 
 Carrying 'Johnnie' Fee between them 
 
 Through a roaring wall of fire ; 
 That is one act of the many 
 
 And I want this understood, 
 You will sure hear from headquarters 
 
 Unless your specialties are good." 
 
 "Well," Sam said, "Chief, I had figured 
 
 On a nobby litle stunt ; 
 This act included everything. 
 
 From a 'home run' to a 'bunt.' 
 I have drilled the men here perfectly 
 
 And command them all at will ; 
 ril show everything in our line. Chief, 
 
 From a 'second' to a 'still.' " 
 
 "According to your orders, Chief, 
 
 The new truck must be used. 
 But you failed to give assurance 
 
 That the truck won't be abused. 
 I had figured some on using it. 
 
 And perhaps I'll do it yet, 
 But I hate to take the chances — 
 
 I'm afraid I'll get it wet." 
 
 Then the Chief 'phoned all the houses. 
 
 And each man explained his turn; 
 Then McNarrey yelled to 'Lindy,' 
 
 "We will have good stunts to burn. 
 Practice up your lecture, 'Lindy,' 
 
 Telling of your recent trip ; 
 Tell 'em how you kept your meals down 
 
 While on board a racing ship." 
 
 Then the Chief told Henry Swingley 
 
 What he wanted him to do. 
 "Say," 'Jack' said, "I've got my hands full 
 
 And I'm leaving some to you. 
 The visiting teams are well prepared, 
 
 And listen — here's a hunch — 
 No mater WHAT they pull on us 
 
 We must beat 'em to the punch." 
 
 —108-^ 
 
"Vm not afraid of Morbacher, 
 
 But these men, K. D. Doyle 
 And C. C. Rice, are tricksters ; 
 
 They're the men we've got to foil. 
 Kinney Duncan is an owl 
 
 And Harry Helser, too ; 
 Say, we've got to beat 'em to it, 
 
 No matter WHAT they do." 
 
 *T have a SWELL idea, Henry, 
 
 I've been keeping in the dark; 
 I intend to let the children 
 
 Take a look at 'Ugly' Clark. 
 This Clark dope's confidential. 
 
 Keep that underneath your hat. 
 For we'd be 'rums' to let these guys 
 
 Know where we were at." 
 
 " 'Sticks' Conroy and Tubby' Williams 
 
 Are rehearsing after dark 
 With Frank Stack and 'Buger' Sayers 
 
 On the grass at Shawnee Park." 
 When 'Jack' told him of 'Chime' Baker's act 
 
 Swingley said, "It's my belief 
 You're not seeking entertainment — 
 
 What you want is murder, Chief," 
 
 THE FALSE REPORT. 
 
 Chief Gordon lit a fresh cigar 
 
 And settled in his chair, 
 Then placed his feet upon his desk 
 
 With an independent air. 
 He looked around, contented — 
 
 For once he was alone — 
 Then muttered as he reached to get 
 
 His noisy telephone. 
 
 An excited voice said, "Say, Chief, 
 
 I live in Armourdale 
 And have made complaints to No 3, 
 
 But all to no avail. 
 There are two men on the streets here, 
 
 Who dress in height of style, 
 Who do not do a cussed thing 
 
 But pace the streets and smile." 
 
 "Now, I'm a married man. Chief, 
 
 With a daughter — almost grown — 
 And if these two men are mashers 
 
 It's a fact that should be known. 
 I've reported my suspicions 
 
 To your man in charge down here, 
 But he scoffed at me and answered, 
 
 That's a bum steer, pal — bum steer.' " 
 
 —109— 
 
The chief hung up the receiver, 
 
 Saying, "Goodness only knows 
 How things like that are carried on 
 
 Beneath our very nose." 
 Then he called "Shortstop" Costello 
 
 And sent him down to "3/' 
 Saying, "You and Dooley look this up 
 
 And report tonight to me." 
 
 Jimmie Dooley said, "Costello, 
 
 You don't know how it hurts 
 To have the big chief call my hand 
 
 And especially — for flirts. 
 A guy who'll stand around and flirt 
 
 Is nothing but a pup. 
 And, believe me, when I find one 
 
 I usually muss him up." 
 
 "You may think this a small matter ; 
 
 I assure you, though, it ain't ; 
 And I want to find the fellow 
 
 That 'phoned in this complaint." 
 Costello handed Jimmie the address 
 
 Of the man who had 'phoned the chief, 
 And Jimmie said, "Come on, old kid, 
 
 Let him tell ME his grief." 
 
 They found the man and he agreed 
 
 To accompany them on their rounds ; 
 Jimmie got his fighting Irish up — 
 
 His anger knew no bounds. 
 They were walking north on Packard street, 
 
 Near Kansas avenue. 
 When their guide said, "Hurry — there they go. 
 
 Those guys in gray and blue." 
 
 Jimmie held his breath a minute, 
 
 Then let out an awfull yell 
 As he bellowed, "What — those fellows? 
 
 Why, that's Dillon and Darnell. 
 Why, you white livered bonehead, 
 
 I'd ought to punch your nose ; 
 They're full fledged, all wool coppers 
 
 Who are working in plain clothes." 
 
 "Now call the chief, you rummy. 
 
 Tell him you'll take it back — 
 That the guys you thought were mashers 
 
 Were Darnell and 'Handsome Jack.' 
 When the chief learns of your error 
 
 Like as not he'll have you shot, 
 For 'Handsome Jack' and 'Bob' Darnell 
 
 Are Johnnie on the spot." 
 
 —110- 
 
When Costello told Chief Gordon 
 
 Of the case, the Chief just smiled 
 And said, "Put that in writing, 
 
 Take it in and have it filed, 
 That's good for future reference." 
 
 And as he turned his back 
 He murmured, "That's a hot one 
 
 On Darnell and 'Handsome Jack.' " 
 
 THE SLEEPING CONTEST. 
 
 "Crip" Abraham was talking 
 
 To "Ugly" Clark one day 
 About sound sleepers, and he said, 
 
 I'll bet a whole month's pay 
 There's not a man in uniform 
 
 Who can sleep like John McLean- 
 There's a guy that sure enjoys it, 
 
 He's the best I've ever seen." 
 
 " *j3-ck Gallagher is some sleeper, 
 But you've got to sky your lid 
 
 To 'Handsome' John of No. 4, 
 He is sure the sleeping kid"- 
 
 Tim Morrisey sauntered in the door 
 
 And listened for a while 
 Then said, "I've got a man, 'Crip,' 
 
 Who can beat McLean a mile." 
 
 "Ben Armstrong (working extra) 
 
 No sooner hits the bed 
 And crawls beneath the covers 
 
 Till he's just the same as dead. 
 He rams his hands beneath the pillow 
 
 And spreads out on the sheet 
 And people hear him snoring 
 
 As they pass by in the street." 
 
 "You talk about sound sleepers, 
 
 Why, sa}^ I've seen this guy 
 Come down the pole and make a run 
 
 And never bat an eye. 
 I've seen him ride. Pal, sound asleep, 
 
 A half mile at a crack ; 
 And lots of times he don't wake up 
 
 Till we are coming back." 
 
 "I'll bet a hundred dollars 
 
 Ben Armstrong can't be beat 
 And a guy that even ties him 
 
 Must go an awful heat." 
 John Conaty spoke up and said, 
 
 "Ben can sleep to beat old 'Nick,' 
 But I know another sleeper 
 
 Who can hit an awful lick." 
 
"Bob Bowman out at No. 5 
 
 Is a classy sleeper, Tim, 
 And before you award the medal 
 
 You must first consider him." 
 Tim called up Jodie Williams 
 
 And asked Joe to make a bet. 
 Jodie said, "Get all you can, Tim, 
 
 And we'll cover all you get." 
 
 'But before you bet your money 
 
 Think it over quite a bit. 
 For this man here's the man that made 
 
 Old Rip Van Winkle quit." 
 Tim said, "I'll arrange a contest, 
 
 Do you think Bob will agree?" 
 Jodie answered, "Hold the 'phone, Tim, 
 
 I'll wake him up and see." 
 
 A committee of six judges 
 
 Were to take their turns on watch 
 And there never was such betting 
 
 (Barring Hackenschmidt and Gotch), 
 "Pap" Callahan held the money, 
 
 Tim was pacing to and fro. 
 Coaching Ben, who sat there waiting 
 
 For the signal bell to "Go." 
 
 Bob Bowman sat and nodded, 
 
 Theodore Jones began to fret. 
 As he pleaded with Bob Bowman, 
 
 "Save yourself and win this bet." 
 On Monday night at eight o'clock 
 
 They got the signal bell 
 And at six p. m. on Wednesday 
 
 Jodie 'phoned Tim, "All is well." 
 
 McLean slept twenty hours, 
 
 Then he got up with a yawn. 
 And cursed himself on learning 
 
 That the contest still was on. 
 Bob Bowman awoke on Friday 
 
 And ask who won the bet ; 
 Jodie snarled, "Bob, you're a quitter — 
 
 Ben Armstrong's sleeping yet 1" 
 
 FRANK BUEHLER'S SUIT OF CLOTHES. 
 
 Mr. Buehler, motorman on car 285, Quindaro 
 Boulevard branch of the "L" Road division, is built 
 along portly lines. The boys who know him say he 
 is the largest object (barring Lemmon Bros*, 
 elephant "Rajah") they have ever seen breathe. — 
 Author. 
 
 —112— 
 
Frank Buehler — off of duty, 
 
 Picked up a tailor's ad ; 
 He decided that his old suit 
 
 Was looking pretty bad. 
 He sent out a call for volunteers 
 
 To help him make the choice, 
 And Burt Morrison responded, 
 
 In a weak and faltering voice. 
 
 They went up to Haug's tailor shop, 
 
 Frank squeezed in through the door ; 
 With beads of perspiration 
 
 Bursting out of every pore. 
 The tailor, from behind the desk. 
 
 Whistled long and loud, 
 As he said to his assistant, 
 
 "Mercy, what a crowd." 
 
 He circled around Frank's dainty form 
 
 As he said, "How do you do? 
 Is there something, gents, this evening, 
 
 For either one of you?" 
 Frank panted out in anger. 
 
 As Burt tremblingly stood near : 
 "Take my measure for a suit of clothes — 
 
 Did you think we wanted beer?" 
 
 The tailor staggered 'round the shop. 
 
 Like a man who'd lost his mind. 
 As he yelled to his assistant, 
 
 "Get a fifty-foot tape line." 
 He copied off the measurements. 
 
 And a caller wanted to know 
 If the dimensions on the paper 
 
 Were for a bungalow. 
 
 A guessing contest was arranged. 
 
 To be held in Convention Hall, 
 With the suit on exhibition 
 
 And a guessing chance to all. 
 A daylight run was offered 
 
 To the winner of first prize — 
 The doors were opened up at eight 
 
 To a crowd of enormous size. 
 
 The guessing was exciting. 
 
 With eighty-five per cent 
 Of the entire group of street car men 
 
 Guessing it a circus tent. 
 One man from off the Brooklyn line 
 
 Viewed the fancy, narrow stripe 
 And guessed it was a tarpaulin 
 
 For the new "two hundred" tipe. 
 
 —113^ 
 
But there was one lone stranger there, 
 
 Who sadly shook his head, 
 And as he spoke it sounded 
 
 Like a voice up from the dead. 
 "I'm not a street car man, my friends. 
 
 Or I'd win with half a chance. 
 I know just what that outfit is, 
 
 For I used to make Frank's pants." 
 
 "I advertised the pants I made. 
 
 With no charge for the seat, 
 A dollar six bits for each leg, 
 
 And it really was a treat 
 To see the business rolling in ; 
 
 I was strictly in the game, 
 I was riding in an auto 
 
 And then — Frank Buehler came." 
 
 "I made two pair of high grade pants. 
 
 Two pair for Frank — that's all 
 
 Then was forced into assignment — 
 
 My firm went to the wall. 
 Gents, I'm now a crossing flagman; 
 
 I insist — life is not sweet. 
 My partner suffered also ; 
 
 He's selling shoestrings on the street." 
 
 "What you see there before you 
 
 Is not Wellman's big balloon. 
 Neither is it, gents, a canvas 
 
 For an open air saloon. 
 Just take it from a bankrupt, 
 
 A man who surely knows, 
 What you see on exhibition 
 
 Is Frank Buehler's suit of clothes." 
 
 WAITIN' FUR TH' MAIL. 
 
 There's lots o' fun a-waitin' at the depot fur th* 
 
 train. 
 There's lots o' fun a-whittlin' an' a-looking at it 
 
 rain ; 
 There's lots o' fun a-shootin' at th' rabbits an' th* 
 
 quail. 
 But there's nothin' so amusin' as a-waitin' fur th 
 
 mail. 
 
 Everybody that hain't harvestin' '11 surely be on 
 
 hand, 
 A-loafin' 'round th' office, spinnin' yarns ter beat th' 
 
 band ; 
 No matter how th' weather is th' crowd '11 never 
 
 fail. 
 Ter congregate an' prevaricate, a-waitin' fur th* 
 
 mail. 
 
 —114- 
 
 4 
 
I like ter se th' big bugs flyin' by in horseless rigs, 
 I like ter see a opera chap a-doin' Irish jigs ; 
 When I go ter Kansas City them sights all soon get 
 
 stale, 
 An' I find there's no enjoyment like a-waitin' fur 
 
 th' mail. 
 
 SWITCHIN' ON DE BRAIN. 
 
 Say, youse talk about yer switchin' in a way ter 
 
 beat a band ; 
 Yer drivers must be slippin' — drop yer sand, drop 
 
 yer sand; 
 Wy youse come off de Belt Line an' youse tink dat 
 
 youse are good. 
 When all youse rough necks ever do is run an' carry 
 
 wood. 
 
 De way youse buggers chug de cars 'ud make old 
 
 timers bawl, 
 Youse ought to hit de Wabash, where dey has to 
 
 coon 'em all ; 
 Wy on de dead youse run so much yer ankles ger 
 
 so hot 
 Dat youse 'ud catch on fire if youse got one hour 
 
 spot. 
 
 De way youse belches 'bout yer job 'ud drive a man 
 
 to tears, 
 Wy, youse wouldn't know de targets if youse 
 
 worked a hundred years ; 
 You've worked six months an' on de square yer speil 
 
 near makes me sigh. 
 If youse ever had a house track youse 'ud tink dat 
 
 it was pie. 
 
 If youse ever rode a transfer, youse 'ud tink yer job 
 
 was soft. 
 You'd call it an excursion an' 'ud tink 'twas layin' 
 
 off; 
 So head in on de Rip track while someone bleeds 
 
 yer train, 
 Fer youse is sure a dead one, kid, wid switchin' on 
 
 de brain. 
 
 -115- 
 
THE GOLDEN WEDDING. 
 
 Written for Morris Merry in honor of the 50th 
 wedding anniversary of his parents. 
 Fifty years ago — Dad, 
 
 You made mother here your bride; 
 Through fifty years of struggles 
 
 You have labored side by side. 
 Fifty years of loyalty 
 
 Stand out in bold relief 
 You have shared each other's pleasures, 
 
 And You've shared each other's grief. 
 You have trudged along life's pathway, 
 
 And you've marked off all the miles 
 With helpfulness and cheerfulness. 
 
 With assurances and smiles 
 You have labored for each other; 
 
 Yours has been a life of love. 
 Of devotion and of sacrifice 
 
 Registered above 
 You have fought the fight together. 
 
 And now turn the Golden page 
 There is nothing sweeter, purer 
 
 Or grander than old age. 
 
 "THE DADDY OF THEM ALL." 
 
 Before the Fireman's State Convention 
 Was held in K. C. K. 
 "Dutch" Bemol out at 6 house 
 Often passed the time away, 
 Telling all the bunch at sixes 
 Just how easy it would be 
 For him to win big money 
 At the tournament in K. C. 
 
 "Say" he said, "Believe me 'kiddo' 
 I will show them all a trick. 
 And before this thing is over 
 I will get myself a 'hick.' 
 ril just look the prize list over. 
 And pick out the prize I want 
 Then Fll just jump out and 'cop' it 
 In an easy little jaunt." 
 
 On the first day of the contests 
 'Dutch' Bemol was on hand; 
 He walked up to McNarrey 
 Sitting in the Judge's stand. 
 "Say Chief— Fd like to enter 
 In the contests here today." 
 'Jack' said, "I'm sorry Bemol, 
 But you'd be in the way." 
 
 —116— 
 
Geo. T. Morbacher (the treasurer) 
 
 Said, "McNarrey it's a shame 
 
 To bar your Kansas City boys 
 
 For they all love this game." 
 
 'Jack' answered, "That's 'Dutch' Bemol, 
 
 And his plea is just a stall. 
 
 I will let him have a work out 
 
 With the veteran — 'Jimmie' Ball." 
 
 Harry Helser lined the teams up 
 
 That intended to take part, 
 
 K. D. Doyle's and Kinney Duncan's men 
 
 Were eager for the start. 
 
 'Dutch' curled his lip and walked away 
 
 To sit down in the shade 
 
 As he mumbled, "That's no contest, 
 
 It's a suffraget parade." 
 
 Next morning, bright and early 
 'Dutch' was back upon the ground 
 He met 'Lindy' and he ventured, 
 "I came out to look around. 
 Mr. Lind — I want a favor 
 You can grant it if you will, 
 I just want the opportunity 
 To show my speed and skill." 
 
 'Lindy' said, "I'll see McNarrey." 
 And Bemol murmured "Thanks 
 It sure hurts to see this money 
 Going to a bunch of 'yanks.' " 
 'Lindy' went to see McNarrey, 
 And McNarrey said, "All right. 
 We'll just satisfy that dutchman, 
 I'll arrange for that — to-night." 
 
 On the last day of the meeting 
 'Jack' climbed up on the stand. 
 And silence fell o'er all the crowd; 
 When McNarrey raised his hand, 
 "I've arranged a special contest 
 As a big surprise to all. 
 The contestants are — Bemol, 
 And the veteran — Jimmie Ball." 
 
 'Jimmie's' smile of satisfaction 
 
 Was the feature of the day 
 
 When the announcer shouted, "Jimmie Ball 
 
 Won easy — all the way." 
 
 Bemol shouted, "Some one doped me, 
 
 I was slower than a hearse" 
 
 Drummy led 'Dutch' back to sixes 
 
 As the crowd-yelled, "Good night Nurse." 
 
 —117— 
 
A committee called on 'Ji^rimie/ 
 
 And they took him to the stand 
 
 Where McNarrey introduced him, 
 
 As "The Greatest in The Land." 
 
 "After thirty-four years of service 
 
 He's tjie "daddy of them all." 
 
 And the great throng gave three rousing cheers 
 
 For the veteran — Jimmie Ball. 
 
 DE GAB SPECIAL. 
 
 Running in one section — carrying no signals. At- 
 tending the bankers convention held in Kansas City 
 were a number of ex-railroad men who paid a visit 
 to Horace H. Herr, City Editor of The Kansas City 
 Post. The following was the result. 
 
 Say Kiddo — can dat chatter 
 
 About big conventions — Gee 
 
 Youse rambles in yer ravings 
 
 Like a hog head on a spree. 
 
 Fer real down right heart interest 
 
 De one wid right o' way 
 
 Was a bunch of old time rough necks 
 
 In K. C. de udder day. 
 
 Dey meets here on a schedule 
 Dat sure was fast old scout, 
 "Denny" Regan pulled de trottle 
 Dat took 'em o'er de route. 
 "Hen" Murray on de left hand side 
 Kept de fedder agin de stack; 
 "Shorty" Thomas was de skipper 
 An "Baldy" Herr de shack. 
 
 F. J. Schooler — woiken extra 
 
 Was eatin' cinders Bo, 
 
 "Denny" was screamin' fer de high ball, 
 
 Fer he coitn'ly likes to go 
 
 "Hen" Murray took de signal 
 
 An' he yelled across de cab, 
 
 "All right— old top~we got'er'" 
 
 An "Denny" starts de load o' gab. 
 
 He opened up his cylinder cocks, 
 An' pulled her open — wide 
 An' talk about yer runnin' Bo ; 
 Dat sure was one wild ride 
 De way old "Denny" fanned 'em 
 Youse 'ud tink he'd gone insane 
 "Baldy" Herr, an' "Shorty" Thomas 
 Caught de middle of de train. 
 
 —118- 
 
''Hen" Murray hollered tru his mitt, 
 
 "Boin up de babitt Kid 
 
 An' when de drivers cannot toin 
 
 Just let 'em lock an' skid." 
 
 De way dat special reeled 'em off 
 
 Was sure hard on de brass, 
 
 An' de water was doin' a hoochie kooch 
 
 In "Shorty's" water glass. 
 
 De tales dey told about "Big Bill" 
 
 Was sure de one best bet, 
 
 An' if "Biir is superstitious 
 
 His ears are boinin' yet. 
 
 De janitor went back to flag 
 
 He stood out in de hall, 
 
 And pleaded wid de rough necks 
 
 Not to get blood on de wall. 
 
 Dey dident need no target 
 Dey simply cops de place. 
 An' piled up a million box cars 
 In twenty feet of space. 
 Dey killed ten tousand people, 
 An' run tree million miles 
 In just tree hours Kiddo, 
 An' pulls in de yards — all smiles. 
 
 Dey boins two million tons o' coal. 
 
 An' takes water on de fly 
 
 An' Schooler comes in smilin' 
 
 Wid a clinker in each eye. 
 
 Conventions come — Conventions go. 
 
 But say Pal — hully gee 
 
 Dere'll never be a bunch like dat 
 
 From off de Santa Fe. 
 
 "CAL FAIRCHILD'S AUTO RIDE." 
 
 You can rave about the gallant ride. 
 
 Of the famous Paul Revere ; 
 
 But Cal Fairchild pulled off a stunt. 
 
 That put that in the clear. 
 
 Paul's record stood till Cal pushed him 
 
 Down into second place. 
 
 And made his great cross country run 
 
 Look like a turtle race. 
 
 Cal says he holds the record 
 That "Revere" dope is all bunc, 
 Barney Oldfield's lost his reason. 
 And has sold his car for junk, 
 Casey Jones' record 
 Like the others came to grief; 
 While the record of Cal Fairchild, 
 Stands out in bold relief. 
 
 —119— 
 
Cal was calmly eating supper 
 
 At' his house a mile away; 
 
 When the dreaded fire whistle 
 
 Belched forth it's awful lay, 
 
 Cal grabbed his hat and cleared the porch 
 
 Excitement was intense 
 
 He hurdled o'er the cistern, 
 
 And broke down fifty feet of fence. 
 
 "My Kingdom for a horse," he cried, 
 And while cursing his ill luck ; 
 He almost fainted for in front 
 He spied an auto truck, 
 He leaped into the auto 
 With no more thought of feed. 
 As he yelled out to the chauffeur, 
 "On to Swift's Pal — on high speed. 
 
 The chauffeur gazed in wonder, 
 As he answered, "Who are you?" 
 Cal yelled, "Don't stop to argue, 
 I'm the fire chief, that's who." 
 The chauffeur stepped on something, 
 Cal heard the motor roar; 
 And a moment later found himself 
 Sprawling on the floor. 
 
 When they hit Kansas Avenue 
 
 Cal's teeth were chattering hard. 
 
 As he raised up on one elbow. 
 
 And said, "Have mercy pard," 
 
 You know this ain't no air ship." 
 
 Try to stay upon the ground. 
 
 If my soul must leave this wicked world 
 
 I want my body to be found." 
 
 The buildings on the avenue, 
 
 To Cal were just a blur; 
 
 Natives thought it a rehearsal 
 
 Of the Chariot in Ben Hur. 
 
 Cal shouted out instructions 
 
 As his hair stood on his head, 
 
 "My God man — just remember 
 
 "Swift can't use me when I'm dead." 
 
 "When it comes to flying wonders, 
 I can't see 'em through a sieve. 
 And while I want to save the squabs ; 
 Don't forget I want to live ;" 
 When he landed at the front gate. 
 They had to lift Cal down 
 And he pleaded with the watchman 
 To let him kiss the ground. 
 
 —120— 
 
Cal says he never rode so fast, 
 
 Since the day that he was born, 
 
 And he hunts a stair way every time 
 
 He hears an auto horn. 
 
 Just ask him how he likes high speed, 
 
 And listen to him roar, 
 
 As he raises up his right hand. 
 
 And solemnly swears, "no more." 
 
 Cal Fairchild is fire chief for Swift and Company. 
 The pigeon house caught fire while he was eating 
 supper at home one night. 
 
 THE FIGURE EIGHT. 
 
 You kin talk about yer picnics, 
 
 Chautauquas an' the like; 
 
 You kin rave about yer joy rides 
 
 Er yer long cross country hike. 
 
 You kin hev yer derned old ball game 
 
 But I am here to state 
 
 Fer down right pure enjoyment, 
 
 I'll take the Figure Eight. 
 
 Give me the Figure Eight boys, 
 With it's pitches an' it's curves; 
 Where excitement is excitement 
 Where it tests a feller's nerves. 
 They talk about their Lover's Lane 
 In the City o' St. Joe; 
 But I'm a tellin' you uns 
 Lover's Lane don't stand no show. 
 
 I was in St. Joe one Sunday 
 
 Jest on a sort o' lark, 
 
 An' I jined the crowd an' grabbed a car 
 
 Fer Lake Contrary Park. 
 
 The Midway was amusin', 
 
 An' I guess I saw it all; 
 
 An' I was interduced there 
 
 To L. F. Ingersoll. 
 
 He's a pleasant little feller 
 With a home like, cheerful smile 
 He's jest the kind o' feller 
 That makes livin' worth the while 
 When you see that smile o' hisen 
 Some how you kaint feel blue, 
 An' I met his secretary 
 Miss Anna Bowers — too. 
 
 —121— 
 
Ingersoll's the manager 
 
 O' Lake Contrary Park, 
 
 An' you kin see that grin o' his 
 
 In the day Hght er the dark. 
 
 I stood around an' watched 'em ride 
 
 That ramblin' Figure Eight, 
 
 An' I felt myself a edgin' 
 
 Over 'tords' the entrance gate. 
 
 I spent a hull one dollar bill. 
 
 An' gee — but it was fun; 
 
 It sets yer nerves to jumpin' 
 
 Jest to stand an' watch 'em run. 
 
 I rode the launches an' Old Mill, 
 
 But I'm here to relate 
 
 The launches, Old Mill, er the Chutes 
 
 Kaint tech the Figure Eight. 
 
 I love to hear the safeties click 
 
 As the cars go up the hill; 
 
 I love to hear folks holler 
 
 When they're feelin' the first thrill. 
 
 The rumble o' the rushin' car 
 
 As it dashes on it's trip. 
 
 An' the shouting o' the riders 
 
 When they hit the big long dip. 
 
 As I was saying' — stranger, 
 You kin hev yer Lover's Lane, 
 Chop Suey suppers an' them drinks 
 That drives a man insane; 
 You kin hev yer movin' pictures 
 You kin take the hull derned state. 
 But I'll take my enjoyment 
 On that ramblin' Figure Eight." 
 
 IT WAS NO SECRET. 
 
 J. H. Mogle (mounted officer) 
 
 With tie flowing in the breeze. 
 His elbows flopping wildly 
 
 And his trousers to his knees, 
 Was galloping his big white horse 
 
 Upon his homeward way 
 When he heard the voice of some one. 
 
 As they loudly shouted, "Hey." 
 
 He saw "Tex" Beekman running 
 
 Toward him — out of breath. 
 "Tex" had his pistol in his hand. 
 
 His face was white as death. 
 "Say, Mogle," Beekman stammered, 
 
 "There's a gun man down the street 
 Who is wanted down in Texas 
 
 Where he's known as "Blue Steel Pete." 
 
 —122— 
 
"I have traced him to a pool hall 
 
 Vd have taken him alone 
 But I know his reputation, 
 
 He is game clear to the bone. 
 The state of Texas offers 
 
 A reward for his arrest; 
 I need a game man with me, 
 
 And I know you've stood the test." 
 
 "Lead me to this cut throat, Beekman, 
 
 I'll show him that I'm dead game; 
 It's a dollar to a doughnut 
 
 He will tremble at my name. 
 Just wait until I tie my horse — 
 
 And say — put up that gun 
 I'll take him single handed 
 
 You stand back and see the fun." 
 
 A Dutchman owned the pool hall. 
 
 And when he saw the pair 
 He tip-toed out to meet them. 
 
 As he whispered, "He's in there." 
 He pointed to a back room 
 
 As the cops walked boldly in 
 A determined look upon each face. 
 
 While the Dutchman wore a grin. 
 
 They closed the door behind them; 
 
 Mogle said, "That guy's my meat." 
 Then the cops both paused to listen 
 
 To the voice of "Blue Steel Pete." 
 It thundered and vibrated 
 
 As he bellowed, "I'm a bear. 
 This tuft you see between my teeth 
 
 Is natural, human hair." 
 
 "I'm a dead shot, pardner — Yes siree, 
 
 And pard, I love to shoot 
 At living, human, targets. 
 
 And cops are my long suit. 
 I love to shoot, you betcher life, 
 
 And let me tell you this. 
 The badge upon a copper 
 
 Is a target I can't miss." 
 
 "I love to hear the dull thud 
 
 Of a body, going down; 
 I love to hear blood gurgle 
 
 As it trickles on the ground. 
 I ain't got a thing to live for, 
 
 There's a price upon my head 
 But when they get me, pardner. 
 
 They will carry me out dead." 
 
 —123— 
 
"Tex" Beekman looked at Mogle 
 
 And Mogle looked at "Tex" 
 As he said, "The man who starts in there 
 
 Sure passes in his checks. 
 I've got a lot to live for 
 
 And a man who's got a wife 
 Should consider these things, Beekman, 
 
 Before he risks his life." 
 
 Sweat dropped from Beekman's forehead 
 
 And splashed upon the floor. 
 As Mogle groped behind him 
 
 For the latch upon the door. 
 "What you goin' to do about it?" 
 
 They heard the Dutchman yell. 
 "Tex" answered, "That's no secret 
 
 We're goin' to run like h ." 
 
 NO MORE. 
 
 Wm. Bryan as an orator 
 
 Is widely know to fame, 
 
 And as far as "Hard Head" Green's concerned 
 
 He is welcome to the name. 
 
 "Hard Head" made but one attempt, 
 
 But that one time was enough 
 
 To convince him that the road to fame 
 
 As an orator — was rough. 
 
 He was chosen from the "Chelsea" 
 To represent the men; 
 At the seniority debate, 
 And he felt elated — when 
 He was chosen as the chairman 
 When they gathered at the hall 
 For of all the big assembly, 
 John was loudest of them all. 
 
 He objected to the honor, 
 
 But they bade him take the chair 
 
 And his cheery smile soon left him 
 
 As he fiddled with his hair. 
 
 He stuttered and he stammered. 
 
 He sputtered and he spit; 
 
 While the ushers ran for water 
 
 Thinking Green would have a fit. 
 
 He wavered as he tried to speak; 
 Then he coughed and cleared his throat 
 And the audience looked with pity 
 As he rumpled up his coat. 
 He mumbled incoherently 
 With his eyes cast to the floor ; 
 But his utterances of wisdom 
 Sounded like a dismal snore. 
 
 —124— 
 
It Is said on good authority 
 That Green fed up too fast 
 In his haste to find a short rail 
 And his pace could never last. 
 He peddled for his sand punch, 
 As his face turned deathly pale, 
 And he knocked his automatic 
 On the orotorical rail. 
 
 He would blat and he would bellow 
 When he had one man alone, 
 But when he faced an audience, 
 He talked in an undertone. 
 So they mercifully excused him. 
 And he beat it for the door 
 Midst a shout of cruel laughter, 
 As he bellowed out— "No More." 
 
 THE FAMOUS KANSAS TWINS. 
 
 *'Chime" Baker up at 1 house 
 
 Went in to see the chief. 
 And "Jack" turned wearily around 
 
 As he asked, "Well, What's your grief?" 
 "Chime" stood and fumbled with his cap, 
 
 As he stammered, "It's this way, 
 If you will be so kind, Chief, 
 
 I'd like to get off today." 
 
 "Jack,, said, "I'd like to let you go 
 
 But, 'Chime,' it can't be done, 
 For with three men on the sick list 
 
 We've just enough to make a run. 
 I'd be glad to let you off, 'Chime,' 
 
 If every thing was fit — 
 Who can you get to take your place?" 
 
 And 'Chime' answered, 'Joplin Grit.' " 
 
 " 'Jop' can take my place. Chief, 
 
 Now please don't turn me down; 
 Why, Chief, this is important, 
 
 Ringling Brothers are in town." 
 The chief looked up at Baker, 
 
 "Chime's eyes filled up with tears 
 As he said, T havn't missed a street parade' 
 
 In over twenty years." 
 
 The chief finally consented 
 
 And Baker turned to go 
 But turned around as McNarrey said, 
 
 "There's one thing I'd like to know — 
 Are you going to the circus 
 
 Or out to Midland Park?" 
 "Chime" said, "Why, its the circus 
 
 For me — with 'Ugly' Clark." 
 
 -125— 
 
''Chime" and "Ugly" followed that parade 
 
 From Main street to the grounds 
 With their trousers rolled up to their knees, 
 
 And yelping like two hounds. 
 Every thing was going lovely 
 
 'Till "Chime" staggered on his pins 
 When he overheard a lady say, 
 
 "There goes the Kansas twins." 
 
 "Chime" rushed up to the lady. 
 
 As he said, "Say, on the square. 
 You can't be serious when you say. 
 
 I look like that man there. 
 I consider that an insult." 
 
 Then "Ugly" butted in, 
 And said, "Apologize to me 
 
 If you called me that guy's twin." 
 
 "Ugly" Clark glared at "Chime" Baker 
 
 And "Chime" glared back at Clark 
 As he said, "Why say, you bone head, 
 
 T'm the pride of Midland Park.' " 
 "Ugly" screamed, "Why you big lobster, 
 
 You have got a lot to do 
 To holler at that "skirt's" remark 
 
 That's a compliment to you." 
 
 They cleared their decks for action, 
 
 And rushed in to a clinch, 
 Baker saw a cop, and murmured, 
 
 "It's all off. Kid, here's a pinch." 
 They were taken to the station ; 
 
 The desk sergeant asked, "What charge?" 
 Then sizing up the prisoners 
 
 He wrote "curiosities at large." 
 
 Next morning in the court room 
 
 "Chime" Baker lost all heart 
 As the magistrate said, "Tag those men 
 
 So I can tell the two apart." 
 "Arch" Clark arose and cleared his throat; 
 
 His eyes filled up with tears; 
 As he said, "Judge, if I look like him, 
 
 Give me two thousand years." 
 
 The Judge telephoned McNarrey, 
 
 And said, "Come get your men, 
 Now if you don't keep them a part 
 
 They will wind up in the 'pen.' " 
 When they landed back at 1 house 
 
 The bunch was wreathed in grins 
 As "Jack" changed them on the pay roll 
 
 To "The Famous Kansas Twins." 
 
 —126— 
 
THE HOLD UP. 
 
 George Miller and his conductor 
 
 Sat in their car one night 
 
 When a stern voice said — "Throw up your hands!" 
 
 George Miller looked at Wright — 
 
 George looked up at the gun barrel 
 
 As he tried in vain to speak, 
 
 While his eye balls left their sockets, 
 
 And hung out on his cheeks. 
 
 'Twas like looking in a tunnel 
 
 W^hen George looked at that gun, 
 
 As he thought of all he'd gladly give 
 
 For one good chance to run — 
 
 He looked pleadingly at Luther Wright, 
 
 And Luther looked at him, 
 
 But the chances for a get-a-way 
 
 To both looked mighty slim. 
 
 George glanced up at the robber, 
 
 Then he looked down at his feet 
 
 As he wondered what his chances were 
 
 To squeeze beneath a seat; 
 
 Cold sweat was trickling down his spine. 
 
 His finger nails turned black, 
 
 As the robber looked at him and said, 
 
 "Line up! You human hack." 
 
 George meekly answered — "Yes, sir," 
 
 As his hands went in the air. 
 
 W^hile the hold up man took his good time 
 
 In "going through" the pair 
 
 He turned to Wright and said, "Good night." 
 
 "Too bad you had to lose." 
 
 George tried to get his hands down, 
 
 And blew a ribbon fuse. 
 
 They started for the West end 
 
 With George upon his stool, 
 
 When a passenger came through the car 
 
 And stepped in the vestibule — 
 
 George's hands at once went skyward; 
 
 He was quaking at the knees 
 
 And he knocked his automatic 
 
 When he heard the passenger sneeze. 
 
 "My God man ! Please don't shoot me." 
 
 The passenger turned in fright; 
 
 He thought poor George had lost his mind. 
 
 And he'd better go tell Wright, 
 
 But Luther saw him coming, 
 
 And let out a deafning yell 
 
 As he made a dash for liberty 
 
 After giving George a bell. 
 
 —127— 
 
George set the air at emergency 
 
 Then leaped out in the street, 
 
 Bawling loudly for assistance 
 
 To all he chanced to meet — 
 
 The passenger looked astonished 
 
 As he watched the fleeing pair; 
 
 While their cries of '^Murder!" "Help!" "Police" 
 
 Rang out upon the air. 
 
 George Miller found an officer. 
 
 Then came back on the run. 
 
 Followed by two hundred citizens 
 
 Who came to see the fun. 
 
 "Where is the man?" The cop inquired, 
 
 And Miller answered, "There !" 
 
 The officer looked amused and said, 
 
 "Why that man is the Mayor." 
 
 George looked up at the officer 
 As he began to wail : 
 "Please, mister good, kind officer 
 Won't you please take me to jail? 
 Put me in behind the iron bars. 
 Take me down to jail, for then 
 ril know, down there at least, I'm safe, 
 'From these here hold up men." 
 
 The policeman looked at George and smiled 
 
 As he said, "Pal, have no fears." 
 
 "You man not meet a stick up man" 
 
 "Again in forty years." 
 
 "In case you still would like to come," 
 
 "I'll find two vacant cells." 
 
 George barred his doors and thanked him 
 
 As Luther gave two bells. 
 
 DE MATINEE SPECIAL. 
 
 Say — talk about yer airships 
 An' "heavier dan air" machines; 
 Dis hog head Thomas beats de woild 
 He's all de poik an beans 
 Dawson goes down to de kettle. 
 An' says to "Tom" one day, 
 "We're runnin' as a special," 
 "An' we've got de right o' way." 
 
 Dey has a train load o' ham actors, 
 
 Dat has ter rech K. C. 
 
 Leaving St. Joe at one tirty 
 
 Ter stage a matinee. 
 
 De way old Thomas fanned 'em 
 
 'Ud put air holes in yer hat 
 
 He makes de run, old timer 
 
 In just one hour — flat. 
 
 —128— 
 
He whistles off an opens up, 
 
 As he pulls out o' de yard 
 
 Wid de 102 agin de bit, 
 
 An' de taller woikin hard. 
 
 When he drops her down tru Agencyford 
 
 Wid de wind as runnin' mate, 
 
 He make de "Katy Flyer" 
 
 Look like a local freight. 
 
 He rambled down tru Gower, 
 While de cinders fell like rain, 
 An' de natives couldn't tell, kid 
 Whether it was a telegram er train. 
 As he rushes down tru Gashland 
 Hittin de rails Kid — here an dere 
 Wid dat bunch o' actors on deir knees 
 Offerin' up a prayer. 
 
 Dawson felt himself a slippin' 
 He was whiter dan a sheet 
 Stinger Jackson cuts de bell cord, 
 An' ties himself down in a seat. 
 Cotton comes back to de smoker 
 Crawlin' on his hands an' knees. 
 While de passin' landscape was a blur 
 Of telephone poles an' trees. 
 
 Thomas whistles twice for Linden, 
 
 An' de agent wires tru 
 
 Someting passed here like a comet 
 
 Set yer target for 102. 
 
 Timps was woiken like a wild man 
 
 When he hears de hog head yell, 
 
 "Feed it to her" — ''Watch yer steam gauge" 
 
 "She's a dyin sure as he — 1." 
 
 When he whistles fer North Junction, 
 
 Dem ham actors pale wid fright 
 
 Settled furder in de cushions. 
 
 Bit deir lips — an held on tight. 
 
 He pulls into Kansas City 
 
 Wid fourteen boxes hot 
 
 Thomas crawls down from de seat box 
 
 Lookin' fer de taller pot. 
 
 He found him in de coal tank. 
 An' his voice was half a whine 
 As he raises on one elbow. 
 An' asks, "Did we make de time?" 
 Thomas pats him on de shoulder. 
 As he says, "We sure did, Bo" 
 "Turn her over to de hostler" 
 "We've got a box seat at de show." 
 
 —129- 
 
THE REWARD THAT NEVER CAME. 
 
 Captain Fleming at headquarters 
 
 Tacked a notice on the wall 
 Where the officers could see it, 
 
 When the came in for roll call. 
 A Mexican was wanted 
 
 Who had gone from place to place 
 Inciting a rebellion 
 
 'Mongst the members of his race. 
 
 Officers copied his description 
 
 As "Cap" Fleming stroked his chin, 
 Saying, ''There's five hundred cash reward 
 
 For the man who brings him in." 
 Tom Leen went to the Captain, 
 
 And he said, ''Say, Listen 'Cap,' 
 I saw that 'greaser' yesterday 
 
 And I'm going to lay a trap." 
 
 "Catching 'greasers' is dead easy; 
 
 Say, it's like the A. B. C. 
 Tell the guy that offered that reward 
 
 To mail the check to me. 
 There's a house down on my beat, 'Cap', 
 
 A regular 'greaser' hive. 
 I'll go down and get this demon. 
 
 And I'll bring him in alive." 
 
 "Cap" thought a moment then he said, 
 
 "You had better phone La France 
 For this man is a bad one. 
 
 And you're taking one long chance." 
 Leen said, "I'll get this 'greaser' 
 
 All alone, 'Cap,' have no fears; 
 I'll find this guy and drag him 
 
 To the station by the ears." 
 
 With one hand on his revolver 
 
 Tom went out to the street. 
 And started for the Mexicans, 
 
 Who lived down on his beat. 
 He slipped up in an alley 
 
 Where he could watch the shack, 
 As he said, "I'll land this 'greaser' 
 
 Or I never will go back." 
 
 Tom finally saw a "greaser" 
 
 And he slammed him on his spine 
 As he said, "Make one move 'greaser,' 
 
 And your worthless life is mine. 
 I'd like to gouge your eyes out, 
 
 And it's not because I can't, 
 I could whip you to a frazzle 
 
 But the rule book says I shant." 
 
 —130— 
 
"I have one excuse to kill you, 
 
 And that's if you resist ; 
 I'd like to kill a 'greaser' 
 
 With nothing but my fist. 
 The guy that said that you were bad 
 
 Is a full fledged, willful liar 
 If you get gay I'll hang your pelt 
 
 Up on a trolley wire." 
 
 "If I ever fight a 'greaser' 
 
 And get licked that fight's my last, 
 
 And the flags in Dear Ould Ireland 
 
 Will be flying at half mast. 
 Why, I've fought Gangs of Mexicans 
 
 And they finished underneath 
 That's a tendon of the last one 
 
 You see dangling from my teeth/' 
 
 "And they say that you're a demon. 
 
 Say, you're nothing but a dub 
 And it would be a dirty shame 
 
 To hit you with a club." 
 An interpreter came up smiling 
 
 And Tom popped him on the jaw 
 When he said, "He savys Mexican, 
 
 But he cannot savy 'chaw.' " 
 
 Tom called up for the wagon 
 
 Then telephoned his wife, 
 "I've got my man — now we will have 
 
 The time of all our life." 
 Captain Fleming bellowed out at Tom, 
 
 "Say, where'd you get that bunc? 
 Why, this is not the man we want 
 
 This is just a common drunk." 
 
 THE FATAL MISTAKE. 
 
 "Jimmy" Cashin (acting short stop) 
 
 Yawned and looked up Packard street 
 As he murmured, "I'm sure lucky 
 
 I don't have to walk a beat. 
 This is going to be a wild night 
 
 Those clouds are full of rain." 
 When Pat Lyons called to "Jimmy" 
 
 He took his chair again. 
 
 In just about a minute 
 
 The rain began to fall 
 And the two looked on in silence 
 
 With their chairs against the wall. 
 Pat Lyons said, "Say, Jimmy, 
 
 I hate a night like this 
 For its usually in such weather 
 
 That something goes amiss." 
 
"I remember well one evening 
 
 (I was working out of 3) 
 When a woman came up screaming, 
 
 'There's a wild man up a tree!' 
 He was just a drunken ''dago" 
 
 And I was all alone 
 And I hate a — Wait a minute, 
 
 There goes the telephone." 
 
 Lyons hung up the receiver 
 
 As he said, "Ji"^» g^t your club, 
 Go down to Lilley's drug store, 
 
 And bring in a rowdy 'dub,' 
 I told you we'd be busy 
 
 On this kind of a night ; 
 This guy is daring every one 
 
 To come outside and fight." 
 
 A "dago" with a fiddle 
 
 Was out upon a spree ; 
 Cashin took him by the collar. 
 
 And led him down to 3. 
 The unfinished tale of Lyons 
 
 Filled Jim Cashin with unrest, 
 And he murmured, "Well, poor 'dago,' 
 
 Let us both hope for the best." 
 
 Pat Lyons booked the "dago" 
 
 And they put him in a cell. 
 Then Lyons 'phoned headquarters, 
 
 "This is 3's and all is well." 
 Lyons sat there for an hour 
 
 Without a word to say 
 Then he turned to Cashin, saying, 
 
 "Let's make the 'dago' play." 
 
 "Jimmy" brought the drunken "dago" out 
 
 And placed him in a chair 
 As Lyons bellowed in his ear, 
 
 "Now, play your national air." 
 Then the cops sat down in silence 
 
 With the "dago" in between 
 And the "dago" started playing, 
 
 "The Wearin' O' The Green." 
 
 Pat Lyons' face grew ashen 
 
 And Cashin screamed out, "Stop!" 
 Then he shouted, "I will match you, Pat, 
 
 To see who kills this "wop." 
 Pat Lyons paced the floor awhile 
 
 Then answered, "Well, I will. 
 But I'll always believe that Heaven 
 
 Sent him here for me to kill." 
 
 —132— 
 
"Ever since that drunken 'dago' 
 
 Dared me, Jim, to climb a tree, 
 I have had a feeling, some how. 
 
 That some day he'd come to me. 
 Fate decreed that I should kill him, 
 
 Look The spalpeen wears green socks, 
 We'll shake dice to see who kills him. 
 
 Hurry on ! Hand me the box !" 
 
 Lyons threw out five big aces 
 
 As he said, "You'll have to wait 
 For another *dago,' Jimmy, 
 
 This one's mine, by rules of fate." 
 Then Pat rubbed his eyes and pointed. 
 
 "Look!" he screamed, "The 'dago's' gone! 
 Let's go out and find him, 'Jin^my/ " 
 
 And Cashin said, "You're on." 
 
 "Why, the dirty 'dago' coward, 
 
 He wouldn't even fight. 
 It was a swell time for a murder 
 
 And just the kind of night. 
 When he heard me yell, 'five aces,' 
 
 The coward made a break 
 I should have hollered — duces, Jim, 
 
 I made a sad mistake." 
 
 FRANK STACK'S INVENTION. 
 
 "Tubby Williams down at No. 2 
 
 Was talking to the bunch 
 About Frank Stack's queer habits 
 
 For "Tubby" had a hunch. 
 That Frank must have a reason 
 
 For keeping out of sight 
 And for asking for permission 
 
 To stand watch every night. 
 
 Ben Armstrong said, "I'll tell you 
 
 What you fellows ought to do 
 Let one man get Frank's confidence 
 
 And maybe he'll come through." 
 "Dennie" Sheehan (Village Parson) 
 
 Was chosen for the place 
 And the bunch all left as Frank came in 
 
 With a smile upon his face. 
 
 "Dennie" got right down to business 
 
 And began to question Stack; 
 Frank listened for a moment 
 
 Then he said, "Wait, I'll be back." 
 He went up to his locker 
 
 And the gang came drifting in 
 As Frank held up a package 
 
 And sat down with a grin. 
 
 —133— 
 
"I'll tell you boys about it 
 
 Though it's not quite perfect yet, 
 It is just a small invention 
 
 But I think it's worth a bet." 
 The 'Tarson" moved in closer 
 
 As Frank smiled again and said, 
 ''This is just a tiny silencer 
 
 I made to fit Tim's bed." 
 
 "You know Maxim has a silencer 
 
 That he puts upon a gun 
 That kills the sound of the report 
 
 And I've invented one 
 That absorbs the sound of snoring 
 
 And I tried it out last night. 
 I attached it to Tim Morrissey's bed 
 
 And it sure works out of sight. 
 
 "Why at two o'clock this morning 
 
 I walked outside and say, 
 I heard a fellow strike a match 
 
 A half a mile away. 
 Why every thing's so quiet 
 
 With this silencer at work 
 You can plainly hear Bulgarians 
 
 Chasing h out of the Turks. 
 
 "This invention will work anywhere 
 
 And will deaden any noise ; 
 I hope to realize enough 
 
 To be "one of the boys." 
 We need two of them badly here. 
 
 One for Tim Morrissey's bed 
 And one, a half size larger, 
 
 For 'Noisy's' LesHe's head." 
 
 "It kills all sounds around it 
 
 For a space of half a mile 
 And just beyond that distance 
 
 You can hear Finn crack a smile. 
 I am working on another 
 
 That will surely be a treat 
 I intend to kill the odor 
 
 Of Ben Rhoads' awful feet." 
 
 "I realize this problem 
 
 Will be hard to overcome 
 But if I am successful 
 
 It will bring a tidy sum. 
 "Bones" Harding told me yesterday, 
 
 Make it, Frank, and end our strife 
 And you'll be independent 
 
 For the balance of your life." 
 
 —134- 
 
Bert Dill dropped in a moment 
 And grew interested at once 
 
 He said (looking at the silencer,) 
 "I may be a blooming dunce 
 
 But suppose you get a long ring 
 
 How'll you know where you are at? 
 
 Frank's chin dropped as he murmured, 
 "H I never thought of that." 
 
 "PICK-UP" LOWE'S REVENGE. 
 
 Jim Lowe was growing restless 
 
 As he strolled along the street. 
 The sun beat down upon him 
 
 And the paving burned his feet. 
 He longed for one day's pleasure; 
 
 ("Pick-up" loves the fishing game), 
 And the more he thought of fishing 
 
 The more restless he became. 
 
 At last he 'phoned headquarters 
 
 And got Fleming on the 'phone, 
 And told Tom of his longing 
 
 In a pleading, undertone 
 He said, "Fm tired and weary 
 
 And I want to go away 
 Somewhere, out in the country, 
 
 If it's only for a day." 
 
 "I am longing for the country 
 
 And I want to go somewhere 
 Where I can sit and rest, 'Cap,' 
 
 And breath the good, pure air." 
 Captain Fleming said, "All right Jim, 
 
 I don't know but what you're right; 
 I am sure you need a rest, Jim, 
 
 And you can start tonight." 
 
 Jim dug up his fishing tackle 
 
 And a suit of "don't care" clothes 
 And as he worked he wistled, 
 
 "Where the River Shannon Flows." 
 He went down to Eudora, 
 
 And he asked a native "hick" 
 To show him where to find the road 
 
 That led out to the "crick." 
 
 At five a. m. next morning 
 
 Jim had baited up his line 
 And was lounging 'gainst a tree trunk 
 
 As he murmured, "Ain't this fine?" 
 He was startled in his reverie 
 
 By a noise up in the brush, 
 And was surprised to see a farmer 
 
 Coming toward him in a rush. 
 
 —135— 
 
The farmer said, "Look here, sir, 
 
 I don't 'low no fishin here; 
 You could have read the sign there 
 
 If yer head had been right clear. 
 This is private grounds here, stranger. 
 
 And I bar everyone 
 That comes here from the city 
 
 With a fishin' pole er gun." 
 
 "Pick Up" made a proposition 
 
 To pay all the costs he'd name 
 And to give him all the fish he caught 
 
 "For," he said, "I love the game," 
 But the farmer v^as persistent. 
 
 Shouting, "You can't fish a lick; 
 ^'ack yer traps and leave here. Mister, 
 
 Fer I ov^n the hul durned 'crick.' " 
 
 Pick Up" sadly grabbed his baggage 
 
 And started off for town; 
 iit the hedge fence by the roadway 
 
 He set his baggage down 
 
 Pick Up'' then sat down and pondered 
 
 On what course he should pursue, 
 x^'or "Pick Up" wanted vengeance 
 
 And was wondering what to do. 
 
 "Shall I let a human whisk broom 
 
 Tell me where I should head in 
 s iud not raise my voice in protest. 
 
 Or kick him on his shin? 
 ?V^ell, I should say I wouldn't 
 
 And this "scissorbill" will know 
 . le is dealing with his master 
 
 When he deals with Tick Up' Lowe." 
 
 " Pick Up" trudged back to the station 
 
 And the operator there 
 »aw his fishing pole and ventured, 
 
 "Any luck?" Lowe answered, "Fair.'* 
 Then Lowe told him of the farmer; 
 
 "Say," he says, "that rube's a hog, 
 But I sure got even with him; 
 
 I went back and stole his dog.'' 
 
 The agent looked around him 
 
 And he said : "He's not in sight." 
 "No," Lowe said, "I thought it over 
 
 And I thought it was not right, 
 Then besides the mongrel bit me." 
 
 The agent softly swore 
 As he said, "You got revenge, Kid," 
 
 Then went in and slammed the door. 
 
 —136— 
 
HAUG WAS JUSTIFIED. 
 
 Wm. Haug, the tailor, contracted to make the 
 new two-piece uniforms for the Police Department. 
 Officer Charles Lorton weighs over 300 pounds. 
 Hence the following: 
 
 Desk Sergeant Captain Snyder 
 
 Went in to see the chief 
 Saying, "Haug, the tailor's, out in front 
 
 With an awful lot of grief. 
 It's about the two-piece uniforms. 
 
 And he's as mad as sin." 
 Chief Gordon thought a moment. 
 
 Then answered, "Show him in." 
 
 Haug rushed into the office 
 
 Shouting, "Say Chief, listen here. 
 Change this contract price or I will lose 
 
 My profits for a year. 
 Just look at these dimensions 
 
 And tell me what you think. 
 Why, I'd rather make a canvass 
 
 To cover Rainbow Rink.'' 
 
 "It's like covering the courthouse ; 
 
 Why, say Chief, do you know 
 I'd rather dress an elephant 
 
 For Ringling Brother's show. 
 My assistant took the measure 
 
 Of this man while I was gone ; 
 If you hold me to this contract. 
 
 All I have will be in pawn." 
 
 "Those are the most astounding measurements 
 
 I've seen in all my day." 
 Then Gordon called to Fleming, 
 
 "What does Charlie Lorton weigh?" 
 "Tom" Fleming 'phoned to Argentine. 
 
 The reply came back, "Don't know ; 
 The last time Charlie Lorton weighed 
 
 Was seven years ago." 
 
 The chief turned to the tailor 
 
 Saying, "Bill, it's up to you. 
 A contract is a contract ; 
 
 There is nothing I can do. 
 The mayor is the only man 
 
 Who can change this contract, Bill. 
 He may make some alterations. 
 
 But I don't believe he will." 
 
 —137— 
 
Haug reeled out of the office, 
 And stumbled up the stair 
 
 To the busy mayor's office, 
 
 Where he sank down in a chair 
 Saying, "Mayor, if this contract 
 
 Cannot be changed at all. 
 Then I say that you are forcing 
 
 A good firm to the wall." 
 
 "Why, it would take four canvassmen 
 
 A week to stake the ground 
 At the city park to cut that suit. 
 
 And not one man could be found. 
 Who could cut that suit without a plow. 
 
 And let me state right here 
 It would take a good surveyor 
 
 And a civil engineer." 
 
 The mayor answered, Mr. Haug, 
 
 If what you say is true 
 I will certainly change this contract, 
 
 And I wish to say to you 
 I'll investigate this matter; 
 
 I will start on it tonight. 
 Come and see me in the morning; 
 
 I want to do what's right." 
 
 The mayor sent for Lorton 
 
 At the meeting held next day. 
 Then informed the Police Departmnet 
 
 That they would have to pay 
 The difference in the contract price, 
 
 And what the work was worth." 
 Fleming shouted, "That decision 
 
 Is the rankest thing on earth." 
 
 "Tom" shook a trembling finger 
 
 Under Charlie Lorton's nose 
 Shouting, "Lorton, in the future, 
 
 Get your own ungainly clothes.'' 
 The mayor adjourned the meeting 
 
 Saying, "Boys, I must be shaved;" 
 Haug wiped the cold sweat from his brow 
 
 As he softly mumbled, "Saved." 
 
 —138- 
 
A WAIL FROM PAT HURLEY. 
 
 Pat Hurley left the "L" road barn 
 
 And started to walk south 
 An automatic in each hand 
 
 And a *'bowie" in his mouth ; 
 He dodged in and out of stairways 
 
 As he slipped along the street, 
 A look of murder in his eye 
 
 And gum shoes upon his feet. 
 
 In the shanty down at Riverview 
 
 Pat hid behind the door 
 Where he cut a skull and cross bones 
 
 With his bowie, on the floor. 
 McCavick peeped in through a crack 
 
 Where Pat had made his stand 
 As he asked, "Are you a member 
 
 "Of the murderous black hand? 
 
 Pat hissed back at McCavick, 
 
 "Mind your own affairs now, Bill; 
 I am waiting in this shanty 
 
 For a man I want to kill. 
 I must kill the Jack O'Diamonds ; 
 
 I will shoot him in the back. 
 For he always has me pictured 
 
 With replacers and a jack." 
 
 "Why, Bill, Pve been the laughing stock 
 
 Of the road for all these years ; 
 I'm held up and I'm ridiculed, 
 
 The object of their jeers. 
 I can sing as good as Newhart, 
 
 I can pitch as good as Brown, 
 I can dance as good as Floreke 
 
 Yet he always turns me down." 
 
 "I can fight as fast as Koeffler, 
 
 I could turn Abe Hoshaw back, 
 Yet he always has me working 
 
 With replacers and a jack. 
 IVe got as nice a shape as Hartzell, 
 
 But he don't show me in tights ; 
 Why, that bonehead has me worried 
 
 'Till I lay awake at nights." 
 
 "I will rank as a comedian 
 
 Far above this Shoup or Funk; 
 I can take Joe Smith and Swearingen 
 
 And drink them both blind drunk. 
 I don't know why he does it, 
 
 But I'll drag him in this shack, 
 I'll show him I can work without 
 
 Replacers and a jack." 
 
 —139— 
 
ALFALFA DUTCH. 
 
 *'Feet' Quinlan, out at 6 house, 
 
 Went upstairs one day last week, 
 Where he heard a sound that scared him 
 
 Until he grew pale and weak. 
 He called to Tommy Drummy, 
 
 And the two men looked around. 
 Searching every nook and corner 
 
 For the unfamiliar sound. 
 
 They were just about to give it up. 
 
 And both men held their breath 
 As they heard the greusome rattle 
 
 That denotes approaching death. 
 "Feet" hid behind Tom Drummy, 
 
 And the hair stood on his head 
 As Drummy said, "That sound comes 
 
 From "Granger" BemoU's bed." 
 
 "My God, Tom, 'phone headquarters; 
 
 Tell McNarrey of the case ; 
 Poor old "Dutch" lies there unconscious, 
 
 Staring death right in the face." 
 Drummy shook his head and answered 
 
 "Phone McNarrey? No; not much; 
 He's beyond the aid of humans; 
 
 It's the coroner for 'Dutch.' " 
 
 They tiptoed down the stairway, 
 
 And Tom said, with a sob, 
 "I always DID like Bemoll, 
 
 He was a good man on the job.'' 
 "Buck" Buckhalter stood there staring, 
 
 Then he gasped and bared his head. 
 As he sobbingly entreated, 
 
 "Don't tell me 'Dutch' is dead." 
 
 "Jimmie" Wall reeled like a drunkard 
 
 As he said, "111 get a shave, 
 Then I'll arrange for flowers 
 
 To put upon his grave. 
 While I am doing this, Tom, 
 
 You phone Daniels for a hack, 
 Then have Blake go get a ladder, 
 
 And we'll drape the house in black." 
 
 While all the bunuch were grieving 
 
 Charlie Prather ambled in, 
 With fog rolling from his briar 
 
 And a life sized, healthy grin. 
 He sobered up and stood aghast 
 
 As "Feet" sank in a chair, 
 Then he threw aside his briar 
 
 And darted for the stair. 
 
 —140- 
 
He rushed into the bedroom, 
 
 And he looked at "Dutch" awhile, 
 Then came back to the mourners, 
 
 And his face broke in a smile 
 As he said, "Say, quit yer kiddin,* 
 
 Just forget the crepe and leaves ; 
 That Dutchman's only laborin* 
 
 With a plain case of the heaves." 
 
 "Make him wet down his Granger Twist 
 
 Before he takes a chew; 
 If he does, he'll be here, Tom, 
 
 When all you guys are through." 
 "Dutch" awoke and heard the sobbing, 
 
 And the mourners ceased to weep 
 As he bellowed, "Say, you lobsters. 
 
 Can't you let a fellow sleep?'' 
 
 Prather then informed the Dutchman 
 
 Why the bunch were all in tears. 
 And Bemoll's only comment was, 
 
 "Why, the chicken hearted steers." 
 Drummy said, "Well, in the future 
 
 We will not be led amiss. 
 And let us hope The Jack O'Diamonds 
 
 Never hears a word of this." 
 
 BLINK SIMPKINS' WEDDIN', 
 
 Take me to de back shops, Kiddo, 
 Jack de weight up off me springs. 
 
 Me head is trobbin, like an air pump 
 And dere's lots of udder t'ings 
 
 Dat require prompt attention, 
 Fer I've jest been on a cruise 
 At de weddin' of "Blink" Simpkins, 
 Sailin' on a sea o' booze. 
 
 "Blinkie" sends out his new schedule 
 
 An' a bunch of us reports, 
 Say — I've never seen a bunch like dat 
 
 Outside de criminal courts. 
 "Blinkie" looks like ready money 
 
 Wid his hill crew on his wing, 
 
 An' all us boomers voted 
 
 She was just de proper t'ing. 
 
 De parson heads in on de house track 
 
 An' he signals fer de spot ; 
 "Blink" could see his steam a-slippin' 
 
 So he stopped to take a shot. 
 All us boomers — kind o' restless. 
 
 Was uneasy — settin' 'round. 
 Just a waitin' fer de high ball 
 
 Fer ter tie our whistles down. 
 
 —141— 
 
De sky pilot makes de couplin* 
 An' tells "Blink" ter test his air, 
 Den unloads a lot o' good advice 
 
 On de newly wedded pair. 
 
 We congratulates de new crew 
 An' wishes 'em much luck, 
 
 Den "Blink" whispers to de parson, 
 "Whistle off, old scout — an' duck." 
 
 De parson reads de target 
 
 An' whistles fer de "main." 
 "Draw Bar Dave" was den elected 
 
 Ter run de "riot" train. 
 "Flat Wheel Fleming" made a few remarks 
 
 About some special runs 
 An hopes de couple's troubles 
 
 Will all be "little ones." 
 
 "Blinkie" den puts on be blower. 
 
 An' he says, " *Bo,' here's a bet — 
 While we're coupled up, remember 
 
 We're not mentionin' mile posts — yet." 
 Well, we gets our crown sheets blistered. 
 
 Say — we jest ties down de spout 
 An' at two a. m. de neighbors 
 
 Has de wrecker ordered out. 
 
 "Gourd Head" Jones slipped an eccentric, 
 
 "Chuck" Nolan left de track, 
 "Bunk" Maxwell broke a tank spring 
 
 An' "Coke" Murphy lost his stack, 
 "Dopey" Sweeney broke a side rod, 
 "Bad Eye" Haley threw two shoes. 
 
 While "Dad" Lindsay pulls in crippled 
 
 Wid a pair o' leaky flues. 
 
 "Gum Shoe" Casey broke an axle, 
 
 "Wild Bill" Carney knocked his fire, 
 "Smiler" Fowler pulled a draw head, 
 
 "Happy' Forsythe slipped a tire, 
 Johnny Meidroth broke his water glass, 
 
 "Timid" Johnson's throttle stuck, 
 Hogan fell an' cut a horse shoe 
 
 In his forehead fer good luck. 
 
 "Draw Bar Dave" heads fer de rip track, 
 
 But he piles up in de ditch. 
 Den me an' "Shorty" Williams 
 Hits de high line "derail" switch. 
 So take me to de back shops, "Bo," 
 
 Fer me valves are out o' line 
 An' I hears me stay bolts poppin' ; 
 
 No more weddin' loads fer mine. 
 
 —142- 
 
DONT CALL FRANK BUEHLER KIDDO. 
 
 You may call Pierpont a pauper, 
 
 Call Carnegie a simp, 
 
 Call Hetty Green a spend thrift 
 
 Or Wm. Taft a shrimp, 
 
 Tell Dillon he can't whip a kid 
 
 Tell Judge Brady he's a jay 
 
 Tell Dave Luke he can't drive a spike 
 
 Call Bill Kane an A. P. A., 
 
 But don't call Buehler Kiddo. 
 
 Tell Roosevelt he's a weakling, 
 
 Call "Wild Cat" Ferns a gink 
 
 Tell Jim Flynn that he's a dead ony, 
 
 Tell Pat Hurley green is pink. 
 
 Tell "Buger Red" or "Two Gun Tom" 
 
 They don't know how to ride 
 
 Then go tell old Jake Beckley 
 
 That he don't know how to slide, 
 
 But don't call Buehler Kiddo. 
 
 Ride a saw buck through Niagra Falls 
 Take a high dive from the L 
 Then go tell Hughie Kelly 
 You wished the Irish were in h — 1, 
 Tell Mike Gallavin he has rabbit 
 Tell Hen Murray he can't fight 
 Then go tell Tommy Tomlinson 
 That you'll put out his light, 
 But don't call Buehler Kiddo. 
 
 If you don't want your system 
 
 Perforated with cold lead 
 
 If you don't want your nose knocked 'round 
 
 To the back side of your head 
 
 If you don't want to drop your gear pan, 
 
 Or pile up in the ditch 
 
 If you don't want to blow a fuse. 
 
 Or don't want to split your switch 
 
 Don't call Frank Buehler Kiddo. 
 
 Call him Frank or call him Buehler 
 He won't object a bit. 
 But if you call him Kiddo 
 He will put you o'er the pit. 
 He will knock your automatic 
 And he'll send you to the shop 
 He will ramble like a wild man. 
 And he'll run the safety stop 
 If you call Buehler Kiddo. 
 
 -143— 
 
De CHAMPION SHIFTER. 
 
 I've been listin' to youse shootin' "Bull'' 
 
 'Bout what yer woik is like, 
 
 But I'll put youse wise to "Gospel" 
 
 Dat'll put youse on de hike. 
 
 Wy when youse gets to goin' 
 
 Youse don't know when to stop 
 
 Yer borders need re-hangin' 
 
 Lower yer drop Kid — lower yer drop. 
 
 Wy you've been woiken' vaudeville 
 
 An' dat is all youse know 
 
 Where a parlor an' a street scene 
 
 Is enough to run a show. 
 
 Youse rave about yer heavy shows, 
 
 An' tink yer all de rage 
 
 De dimmer's on yer fly lights 
 
 Clear yer stage Kid — clear yer stage. 
 
 I handled "props" fer Mansfield, 
 An' I've woiked' fer Jenny Lynd ; 
 Say — we puts on a storm scene 
 Where youse couldn't run de wind. 
 I shifted scenes fer Hanlon, 
 An' Kid — dis ain't no stall 
 Youse couldn't get one-half de "props" 
 Inside Convention Hall. 
 
 Youse just woik five men all de time, 
 An' tink yer in hard luck 
 When we use twenty-seven. Kid 
 Ter handle "Old Kaintuck." 
 So float up to de dog room, 
 An' remember one ting. Kid 
 Dat I'm de champeen shifter 
 When youse meets me — sky yer lid. 
 
 BIG AUGUST'S SUMMER TRIP. 
 
 August Asplund out at Number 4 
 
 Had planned for many years 
 To take a long vacation 
 
 And this spring he gave three cheers 
 When he counted up his money 
 
 For he had enough, at last 
 And that's going some, for August, 
 
 For the track is always fast. 
 
 He bade the bunch at 4 Good-Bye 
 
 Then started for New York, 
 Bob Maher said, "Remember me 
 
 To all me friends in Cork." 
 "Big" August smiled good naturedly 
 
 And said, "I will, indeed, 
 While Ireland is a swell place. Bob, 
 
 It's no place for a Swede.'' 
 
 —144— 
 
August lost his head entirely 
 
 When he viewed his native land, 
 The King of Sweden met him 
 
 At the liner with a band. 
 They held a grand reception 
 
 (You see Sweden has no lid) 
 And they introduced "Big" August 
 
 As the "Fire Fighting Kid." 
 
 August loaded up on "Apple Yack;" 
 
 He drank everything in reach 
 Then he staggered to the platform 
 
 When the crowd yelled for a speech, 
 He responded to their pleading 
 
 And they held on to their seats 
 As August told of hardships 
 
 An American fireman meets. 
 
 "One cold, raw night, last winter 
 
 When the fog was mighty thick 
 We started for a fire 
 
 And Yumpin Yimminy, it was slick ; 
 The horses went to slipping 
 
 As we started down the street 
 We had the best team in the town 
 
 But they couldn't keep their feet." 
 
 "The cart was hard to handle 
 
 And it started to swing 'round; 
 We coasted two blocks down the hill 
 
 With both the horses down. 
 I screamed to Tate' — Unhitch 'em 
 
 And leave 'em where they're at 
 Then climb back on the wagon 
 
 And hold on to your hat." 
 
 "I grasped the wagon pole and yelled. 
 
 Hold fast, brave lads, we're off ! 
 The wagon turned clear over twice 
 
 When it struck a watering trough. 
 But the men stayed with the wagon — 
 
 It's almost beyond belief. 
 But we reached the fire away-ahead 
 
 Of 'Blaze' Glass and the chief." 
 
 "Fully fifteen thousand people 
 
 Gathered 'round the seething flames 
 To watch we fire fighters 
 
 In the toughest of tough games. 
 I heard Art Dudley groaning 
 
 And I heard the mob's retort 
 On learning that our ladders 
 
 Were seven feet too short." 
 
 -145- 
 
"There were four men on the ladders 
 
 And the vast throng cheered my strength 
 When I seized and held the ladders 
 
 In my hands, up at arm's length, 
 They carried forty people 
 
 From^ the blistering jaws of death. 
 My face burned, to a cinder 
 
 But I did not lose a breath." 
 
 One of Sweden's noted diplomats 
 
 Then said, "Aye understand 
 Hae bane a fire fighter 
 
 An dae bast von een dae land. 
 Aye tank hae bane a liar, 
 
 Aye tank hae purty full, 
 Aye tank hae bane dae shampion 
 
 Of dae vurl at shootin' bull." 
 
 RUNNIN' WILD. 
 
 When I hears youse infants gargle 
 
 'Bout de sights dat youse have seen, 
 It makes me think yer dippy, 
 
 Yer not big enough ter wean. 
 Youse never had a head end 
 
 An' if youse ever left de track 
 You'd run so fur it 'ud take six weeks 
 
 Fer youse to hike it back. 
 
 I was woikin on de Frisco, 
 
 Breakin' on behind 
 An' we was puUin' drags o' cars 
 
 Dat 'ud make youse lose yer mind. 
 When de Baldwin Hog pulls in one town 
 
 We'd be tree stations back 
 And it tuk us thirty minutes, kid, 
 
 To take up all de slack. 
 
 We was pullin' into Olathe- 
 
 Yer see dats all down grade ; 
 Dats where dey fans 'em, kiddo. 
 
 Where all de time is made. 
 I was strolling' 'long he runnin' board 
 
 As down de line we flew 
 When I gets 'bout seventeen carlengths out 
 
 I finds we'd broke in two. 
 
 I couldn't see de head end, 
 
 Dey had got clean out o' sight. 
 I mighta signaled dere ten years 
 
 Dey'd never seen me light. 
 We had orders ter meet 408; 
 
 'Twas a tousand 'gainst a beer 
 Dat we was all dead Indians 
 
 If we wasn't in de clear. 
 
 —146— 
 
We was two miles from de sidin' 
 
 When I nearly lost me nerve 
 Fer I sees de light of her fire box 
 
 Around de nearest curve. 
 I sets a brake and den climbs down 
 
 To beat her to de switch — 
 I knows dat if I didn't 
 
 We would all be in de ditch. 
 
 I runs ahead an' trows de switch, 
 
 Den runs ahead ter flag ; 
 I saw de skipper runnin' 
 
 Like a race horse o'er de drag. 
 He lets off de brake dat I had set 
 
 And hollers true his mitt, 
 ''Don't try ter flag — just watch dat switch." 
 
 I tot he'd trow a fit. 
 
 Dere was four more cars upon de main 
 
 When she swings 'round de cliff ; 
 I could see de skipper turnin' 
 
 De color of a stiff. 
 I trows de switch an' she sings by — 
 
 She didn't clear a yard. 
 I runs and grabs our hind end 
 
 Wid me blower woiken hard. 
 
 De skipper runs ahead and lets 
 
 Our drag out on de main ; 
 I holds her down, he trows de switch 
 
 An' climbs on board again. 
 We runs dat way a hundred miles — 
 
 Makes twenty sidens — den 
 We catches up to our head end 
 
 An' couples up again. 
 
 We didn't stop fer orders 
 
 An' many an agent cussed 
 When we passed 'em like a telegrahm ; 
 
 Dey couldn't see us true de dust. 
 Dey gives orders fer ter pull us off 
 
 De minute date we lit 
 Dey has us on de carpet 
 
 An' gives us tirty days — we quit. 
 
 PICK UP'S DISAPPOINTMENT. 
 
 "Pick Up" Lowe left police headquarters 
 
 With a scowl upon his face — 
 A morning paper in his hand 
 
 Mumbling, "I wish I had the place 
 Of General Frederick Funston ; 
 
 If I had his chance you bet 
 I'd have this guy Huerta's goat 
 
 Before one sun had set." 
 
 -147- 
 
"Jim" grabbed a passing street car — 
 
 The conductor smiled and spoke ; 
 "Jim" growled, "If I should try to smile 
 
 Why man alive I' choke. 
 I'm that mad at Bill Bryan 
 
 And his way of doin' things 
 That I'm yellin' for an Irishman 
 
 To pull the Navy strings." 
 
 "Say, I could take ten tarriers 
 
 And trim those heathens quick 
 And the job would be as easy 
 
 As shoulderin' a pick. 
 It would be a little pastime 
 
 For a bunch of old time micks 
 To run those spalpeens in the Gulf 
 
 With a load of pavin' bricks." 
 
 "Jim" left the car at Riverview 
 
 To change for Argentine ; 
 While waiting for a car he met 
 
 His pal and friend, "Tom" Leen. 
 The two began discussing 
 
 The war in Mexico. 
 "Tom" Leen said, "There is one place, *Jim,' 
 
 I sure would like to go." 
 
 "Here they're havin' all this trouble 
 
 And makin' all this fuss — 
 Why, they haven't got a regiment 
 
 That could lick the two of us ; 
 I'd like to tangle with them guys — 
 
 Why man, 'twould be a treat." 
 "Pick Up" answered, "There's a gang o' them 
 
 Workin' on my beat." 
 
 "Tom" said, "I'm goin' with you, *Jin^/ 
 
 Why, man, 'twill be a lark — 
 We'll make that gang salute the flag 
 
 Till they'd know it in the dark. 
 And, say, I have an Irish flag ; 
 
 We'll take that to Argentine, 
 Then we'll make the whole gang help us 
 
 Sing 'The Wearin' o' the Green. 
 
 J )i 
 
 "Tom" and "Jim" were feeling happy; 
 
 "Jim" said, "Things look mighty bright 
 For a mornin's entertainment 
 
 In a good old knock-down fight." 
 The passengers aboard the car 
 
 Laughed with the happy pair. 
 Suddenly "Tom" Leen jumped up, screaming, 
 
 "My God' 7im !, Look out there !" 
 
 —148— 
 
A big, broad shouldered fellow 
 
 Was standing in the road, 
 A big sombrero on his head. 
 
 "Jim" shouted, "Let's unload." 
 "Jim" Lowe held up Old Glory, 
 
 "Tom" waved his flag on high 
 As he yelled, "Salute the two o'them 
 
 Or bid yer friends good-bye.'' 
 
 The big man yawned and slowly turned 
 
 To size up Lowe and Leen; 
 Their flags fell and they stood aghast, 
 
 He was smoking a dudeen. 
 "Jim" Lowe was first to find his voice, 
 
 And he stammered, "What's your game?' 
 "O, I'm savin' Funston trouble — 
 
 O'Reilly is my name." 
 
 Then they told him their intentions 
 
 And he said, "Boys, you're too late, 
 I've only found two that would fight 
 
 An' I chased 'em from the state." 
 Then he took his hat off, saying, 
 
 "Do you see this hat, me boy? 
 That's a Mexican sombrero; 
 
 That, my friends, is my decoy." 
 
 A BASEBALL GAME IN RHYME. 
 
 The Jack O' Diamonds Tells of a Contest on the 
 
 Diamond Between the ^T" Road Boys 
 
 and the West Side Line. 
 
 The line-up, in batting order : 
 
 "L Road" "West Side" 
 
 Swearingen 2b Patterson 
 
 Barnard cf ..Lynn 
 
 Boge Jones rf Trembly 
 
 Joe Smith ss Laird 
 
 John Griffin lb Kane 
 
 Floreke 3b Carmody 
 
 Tomlinson If Kelly 
 
 Steinbeck c Newhart 
 
 McClellan c Dean 
 
 "3-Fingered" Brown p Bill Smith 
 
 Swanson p Charles Brown 
 
 Utilities — Fisher, Wittcraft ; Ochele, Kauf fman. 
 Umpires — In charge, Runner ; on bases. Decker. 
 Inspectors — At first base, George Rick ; at 
 third base, Wm. McCavick. 
 
 —14^- 
 
The bunch around the "L Road" barn 
 
 Had the baseball fever bad; 
 Ed Hawkins said he had a team 
 
 That would make the "Blues" look sad ; 
 George Kennedy, of the ''Jackson," 
 
 Sent a challenge by John Moats, 
 Telling Hawkins he would pick a team 
 
 To play the West Side ''Goats." 
 
 Kennedy wouldn't tell his line-up. 
 
 But he promised a surprise ; 
 "Just wait," he said, "until the game, 
 
 I'll open up your eyes." 
 When asked who'd do his pitching 
 
 He whispered, glancing 'round, 
 "Now keep this in your bonnet, 
 
 I'll work 'Three-Fingered' Brown." 
 
 Pat Hurley had replacers 
 
 And one hydraulic jack 
 To use in case they split a switch 
 
 Or someone jumped the track. 
 They gathered out at Chelsea, 
 
 Both teams were looking "right ;" 
 You could tell by their expressions 
 
 It would be a bitter fight. 
 
 The "Goats" went out for practice, 
 
 Then the "L Roads" took their turn ; 
 It was hard to pick a winner. 
 
 Both of them had speed to burn. 
 Ed Hawkins and George Kennedy 
 
 Both swore they'd "take the flag." 
 Steve Johnson carried water 
 
 And Dave Luke went back to "shag." 
 
 Runner then announced the batteries 
 
 And the crowd sent up a shout 
 As the "Goats" put on their sweaters 
 
 And the "L Roads" trotted out. 
 A fight was started at the gate 
 
 And above the awful din 
 Brody's voice screamed, "I gave them their suits," 
 
 "I WON'T pay to get in." 
 
 Frank Brown walked Billy Patterson, 
 
 Then Harry Lynn struck out. 
 Trembly made a long hit out to "short," 
 
 Almost a Ty Cobb clout. 
 Steinbeck tried to throw to second, 
 
 But he hit Laird, at the bat 
 Patterson tried his famous slide 
 
 And they had to send for Pat. 
 
 —150- 
 
George Rick then cautioned Carmody 
 
 To run a little slow ; 
 He said, "The travel's heavy 
 
 And the rail is bad, you know." 
 The "Goats" made twenty-seven runs 
 
 Before they were retired. 
 George Kennedy gave Frank Brown three bells 
 
 And said, "Young man, you're fired." 
 
 The "L's" were running bases 
 
 In a way to take your breath, 
 The crowd was yelling, "Take Smith out 
 
 Or they'll run themselves to death." 
 A "lay out" on the base line 
 
 Brought this report from "Mack," 
 "Boge Jones has dropped a gear pan, 
 
 And McClellan's off the track." 
 
 John Swanson walked the first ten men, 
 
 Then Newhart got a hit. 
 Ed Hawkins turned a hand-spring, 
 
 George Kennedy had a fit. 
 George Green used forty "sleet wheels" 
 
 As the "Goats" burned up the route, 
 Then Swanson turned to Kennedy 
 
 And said, "The power's out." 
 
 When the game was called at darkness 
 
 In the last half of the "third," 
 They had eighty-seven runs apiece, 
 
 Then a deplorable thing occurred. 
 Decker gave his "register reading," 
 
 Runner said it wasn't right, 
 Then Hawkins and George Kennedy 
 
 Took off their coats to fight. 
 
 Ten ambulances lined up 
 
 And the crowd began to scoff 
 As the Red Cross took the players 
 
 As fast as they "signed off." 
 George Crane went through the "trouble sheets/' 
 
 Then he ordered, "No more ball." 
 The Red Cross sent in this report, 
 
 "Men still living— but that's all." 
 
 GITTIN' TRU DE SOUT'. 
 
 I've been listenin' to youse poppin' off, 
 
 And de tales dat youse relate 
 Ud give a guy de brain fag ; 
 
 Sure youse never left de state. 
 I was trav'lin' tru de country, 
 
 Ter find a cure fer gout 
 An' I didn't have much trouble 
 
 Till I got down in de Sout'. 
 
 —151— 
 
Wy on de square de connies dere 
 
 Wouldn't carry de photograph 
 Of deir mudder, an' a trav'Hn' card 
 
 Just made dem huggers laugh ; 
 I had hiked it fer 'bout tirty miles, 
 
 Youse kin bet dat I was sore, 
 I says, "If ever I gits out 
 
 I'll see de Sout' no more." 
 
 Now while I had a piece o' coin 
 
 I wasn't lousy wid de scrip, 
 An' I had just one clean collar 
 
 An' a hand-out in me grip ; 
 I crawls on board a passenger. 
 
 Determined fer ter ride. 
 An' if I couldn't make it 
 
 Ter get some connie's hide. 
 
 I sets down on de cushions, 
 
 An' say, kid, dey feels good, 
 'Twas de foist time dat I rested 
 
 Since I struck dat neck o' woods ; 
 De clickin' of de buzzin' wheels 
 
 Near made me close me lamps, 
 De gazabe wot wrote "De Sunny Sout'," 
 
 Was never on de tramp. 
 
 I was settin' in de head end 
 
 Of de coach a lookin' out, 
 Takin' in de scenery 
 
 As we spun along de route ; 
 When I sees de connie comin' 
 
 As we pulled out of de yard ; 
 I felt meself a slippin' 
 
 When I digs down fer me card. 
 
 He was a small, gray whiskered blokie, 
 
 An' he wore a pleasant smile — 
 I says, "Wy dis is pickins', 
 
 I'll leave dis place in style." 
 He says ter me, "Good mornin'," 
 
 I says, "De same ter you," 
 Den I tossed him me credentials 
 
 An' he slowly read 'em tru. 
 
 He says, "Ah, yer a railroad man. 
 
 Now I'm mighty glad of dat," 
 An' I felt just like an Indian chief 
 
 Wid a f edder in me hat ; 
 He says, "Are youse a good one?'' 
 
 "Wy," I says, "I can't be beat." 
 Den I nestles in de corner 
 
 Of dat cozy, cushioned seat. 
 
 —152— 
 
Den he says, "Now Vm so glad o' dat, 
 
 Dat I really can't explain, 
 Fer youse know how ter git off all right 
 
 An' I won't have ter stop de train." 
 Wid all me spavins an' sore feet 
 
 Fer about two hundred yards 
 I ploughed up all de ballest 
 
 An' tore down de cattle guards. 
 
 I takes me card an' pins it up 
 
 Again a pole an' drew 
 De skull an' cross bones on it, 
 
 Den I nails it wid a chew. 
 Dis Suddern hospitality 
 
 Is nuttin' but a sham 
 Dere's one t'ing takes youse tru de Sout', 
 
 Dat's the coin o' Uncle Sam. 
 
 AARON'S VISITOR. 
 
 Aaron Smith at number 9 house, 
 
 Pacing to and fro. 
 Found the time along 'bout midnight 
 
 Was going mighty slow. 
 He had never felt so lonesome 
 
 In all his life before ; 
 He was feeling cold and creepy, 
 
 When someone tried the door. 
 
 He peered out in the darkness 
 
 And a voice said, "Let me in." 
 The speaker was a stranger. 
 
 About six feet tall — and thin. 
 His face looked like a tombstone, 
 
 He wore a slouch hat on his head ; 
 Aaron softly mumbled to himself, 
 
 "A message from the dead." 
 
 The stranger came in coughing 
 
 And Aaron said, "Sit down ; 
 Your face is not familiar. 
 
 Stranger here in town?" 
 "Well, yes, I am a stranger 
 
 In Kansas City, lad. 
 But in great New York's Four Hundred 
 
 I'm a fad. Pal — I'm a fad." 
 
 "I remember well one night, Pal, 
 
 About two years ago, 
 I was strolling along Broadway 
 
 In thirty feet of snow. 
 I bumped into a fellow 
 
 And I says to him, * 'Scuse me,' 
 Then I recognized my college chum, 
 
 Old Andrew Carnegie.'' 
 
 —153— 
 
" 'Well,' I sings out, 'Howdy, Andy, 
 
 How's the old scout feel tonight?' 
 And he says, 'Why, hello, "Dopey," 
 
 I'm a fellin' out o' sight.' 
 We chews the rag a minute, 
 
 And Andy says, 'Say, Bo, 
 I feel like playin' poker. 
 
 Let's drop in to see "Dutch Joe." ' 
 
 "W^e drifts into 'the Dutchman's' 
 
 And orders a cigar. 
 When we spies our old friend, Vanderbilt, 
 
 Standin' at the bar. 
 I says, 'Why, hello, "Reggie",' 
 
 And he takes me by the fin ; 
 I says, 'We're goin' to have a game, 
 
 Come on "Van," and sit in.' 
 
 "The blue sky was the limit, 
 
 And old Andy was half shot. 
 He bet two hundred libraries 
 
 When he opened up the pot. 
 Van looked at Andy, then at me. 
 
 Draws two to fill his hand. 
 Then raised the bet four sections 
 
 Of California land." 
 
 " 'Well,' I bellers out, 'you pikers, 
 
 You ain't got a thing on me, 
 I'm stayin,' an' I'm bettin' 
 
 The statue of Liberty.' 
 When it comes to a show-down 
 
 Them pikers was all in. 
 I lays down five big aces. 
 
 And Andy says, 'You win.' " 
 
 "Van says, 'Well, boys, my private car 
 
 Leaves on the midnight train.' 
 Then he hollers to the barkeep, 
 
 'Roll in a barrel of champagne.' 
 We has a litle drink around — 
 
 Andy says, 'What shall we do?' 
 I says, 'I'm not particular. 
 
 Old scout, that's up to you.' 
 
 "Van says, 'Well, good night, fellers.' 
 
 Old Andy scratched his head. 
 Then strolled up to the Helping Hand, 
 
 Had a drink and went to bed. 
 Ho — hum — I must be going; 
 
 I'm glad I met you. Pal, 
 And tomorrow I will give you 
 
 The Panama Canal." 
 
 —154-^ 
 
Aaron whistled softly, 
 
 As he closed and locked the door, 
 Then picked up a piece of paper 
 
 That was lying on the floor. 
 "Ah !" he mumbled softly to himself, 
 
 "Perhaps this will explain." 
 Then smiled and said, 'T thought so." 
 
 The label read, "COCAINE." 
 
 A CASE FOR THE WATER BOARD. 
 
 L. D. Dolph, the "Big Kid" copper. 
 
 Wore a worried anxious look 
 As he scanned a breif notation 
 
 Taken from his pocketbook. 
 They had phoned him from headquarters 
 
 Of some trouble on his beat, 
 But there was no such number 
 
 Or such person on that street. 
 
 He phoned to Captain Fleming, 
 
 And "Tom" said, "That sure is queer, 
 But that's the name and number 
 
 They gave the sergeant here ; 
 Perhaps they'll call us up again — 
 
 If they do I'll let you know. 
 And until you hear from me, Dolph, 
 
 Just let the matter go." 
 
 The 'Big Kid' strolled about a while. 
 
 Still thinking of the call ; 
 Then "Tom" Fleming phoned him, saying, 
 
 "Find that trouble"— that was all. 
 Dolph slammed up the receiver 
 
 As he muttered, "On the square. 
 The judgment that some people use 
 
 Would make Dunlavey swear." 
 
 "Here's a guy up in an office 
 
 In a big, upholstered chair, 
 Who doesn't do a thing all day 
 
 But peddle out hot air. 
 It sure is soft for some guys, 
 
 It must be great to have a pull. 
 And lie back in an easy chair. 
 
 Smoke cigars and 'shoot the bull.' 
 
 After voicing his opinions 
 
 (To himself), he heaved a sigh. 
 And when he started out again. 
 
 There was murder in his eye. 
 He clenched his fist, and muttered — 
 
 "Well, if I must, I must ; 
 If there's any trouble on my beat, 
 
 I'll find it or I'll bust." 
 
 —155— 
 
He walked back to the corner 
 
 (Where headquarters said to go), 
 Saying, "This is Hke a graveyard ; 
 
 There's no trouble here, I know," 
 He stood there meditating. 
 
 Then he heard a muffled yell 
 That came up from a vacant lot, 
 
 From an old, abandoned well. 
 
 He rushed up to the well curb, 
 
 Then shouted out, Hello-o-o," 
 And was startled when he heard a voice 
 
 From the blackness — far below ; 
 "Help ! Help ! Go get a ladder ; 
 
 I am down here in a well." 
 Dolph listened, then he murmured, 
 
 "Well, say— don't that beat h— 11?" 
 
 Then taking out his notebook. 
 
 He screamed, "Say, what's your name? 
 Where do you live? Where do you work? 
 
 And, say — whom do you blame 
 For leaving this well open? 
 
 What's that? You say to stop, 
 This questioning and foolishness ! 
 
 Why, say, man — I'm a cop." 
 
 "There's a man up at headquarters 
 
 Who will tell me what to do ; 
 Understand, I take no orders 
 
 From a bone-head 'Mutt like you ; 
 Just remember. Kid that ONE man 
 
 Ain't allowed to run THIS town. 
 If you refuse to answer me, 
 
 I'll go way and let you drown." 
 
 "Now you'rcy/talking like a white man. 
 
 You say your name is Black? 
 All right. Old Kid, I 'got cha,' 
 
 Hold on tight 'til I get back." 
 He returned in thirty minutes 
 
 And called, "You down there yet? 
 Say — when it comes to stayers. 
 
 You are sure the one best bet." 
 
 "Say — I tried to get headquarters 
 But the line is busy, 'Bo,' 
 
 And I've got to make a point now. 
 
 So I guess I'd better go. 
 
 Come to think of it — Old Timer, 
 Your head is like a gourd ; 
 
 Your case ain't in my line at all- 
 Notify the water board." 
 
 —156— 
 
AN ECHO FROM THE SALE. 
 
 (At the time the double platoon of city firemen 
 was made a certainty The Press published an article 
 by the Jack O' Diamonds entitled the 12-Hour clear- 
 ance sale wherein all single men were sold at public 
 auction.) 
 
 Chief McNarrey paced his office 
 
 With his hands behind his back, 
 'Burt' Dill stuck his head in saying, 
 
 "Swingley's here to se you, "Jack." 
 McNarrey shook his head and answered 
 
 Tell him I must be alone 
 Let him call again tomorrow 
 
 I have troubles of my own." 
 
 'Jack' at last became exhausted 
 
 And sank down in a chair, 
 Where he mumbled incoherently 
 
 With his fingers in his hair. 
 "I thought last summer's clearance sale 
 
 Where we sold the single men 
 Had settled that one question 
 
 But I'll have to^ guess again." 
 
 "The girl who bought 'Chime' Baker 
 
 Says that Baker is too thin 
 He has a surly disposition 
 
 And too prominent a chin. 
 She called me up this morning 
 
 Saying — I don't want that 'dub' 
 Take the ten bucks Chief and send it 
 
 To the raggedy sljocking club." 
 
 "The dame that paid for 'Ugly' Clark 
 
 Is bawling like a calf 
 She claims she bid a dollar 
 
 And he isn't worth a half. 
 She swears that both his feet are lefts 
 
 And she claims he has webbed toes 
 She says he's far too giddy 
 
 And she doen't like his nose." 
 
 "The girl who bought 'June' Marshall 
 
 Says she yearns to be a wife 
 But she's afraid that 'June' has seen 
 
 Too much of bachelor life. 
 She writes — Chief I'm a gambler 
 
 All I want's an even break 
 But I refuse to take a chance 
 With life's happiness at stake." 
 
 —157— 
 
The girl who bought McCauley 
 
 Left here just a while ago. 
 She said — just keep the quarter 
 
 But that geezer is too slow. 
 My mind's made up McNarrey 
 
 Will I take him ? no — not much 
 Say — life's too short, old timer 
 
 To hook up with a crutch.' 
 
 "Then the girl who bought Joe Simpson 
 
 Says her work's been very slack 
 She is shy on coin for Christmas 
 
 And she wants her money back 
 She says while Joe has pretty hair 
 
 These chauffeurs are a breed 
 Who care too little for a wife 
 
 And care too much for speed." 
 
 Of all the men sold at the sale 
 
 We have just delivered two 
 If things keep up at this rate 
 
 I don't know what we'll do. 
 The girl who bought Roy Broadhurst 
 
 Called for him two months ago 
 And Art Dudley's girl has called for him, 
 
 But the rest seem mighty slow." 
 
 "Buger" vSayers is still confident 
 
 That he is one that's sold 
 And he hopes to be delivered 
 
 Before it turns off cold. 
 I can't understand these women, 
 
 They've no just cause for complaint 
 They knew they bid on firemen 
 
 Still — they expect a saint." 
 
 'T can face a raging fire 
 
 Without taking off my coat, 
 But this thing of handling women 
 
 Has certainly got my goat. 
 I am down and out this time kid 
 And I'm calling for relief, 
 
 Satisfying bargain hunters 
 Is grief Pal — plain old grief." 
 
 CENTRAL AVENUE TIME. 
 
 When the Metropolitan railway 
 
 Shortened schedules this spring. 
 The folks on Central Avenue 
 
 Said 'twas just the proper thing. 
 The cars go by their doors so fast 
 
 They cannot see the crew, 
 That line's known as the "race track" 
 
 On Central Avenue. 
 
 —158— 
 
A man from Oklahoma 
 
 Who dropped in to see the town 
 Left the car at Chelsea Junction 
 
 To take a look around. 
 It was close to noon, and as he looked 
 
 Toward the Avenue, 
 He saw, coming his direction 
 
 Two streaks of navy blue. 
 
 As the streaks flashed by the stranger 
 
 He gasped and turned around 
 As he said, "Whatever that thing is 
 
 It sure gets over ground." 
 A street car man saw his surprise 
 
 And said, "That flash of blue 
 Was Charlie Snyder and Charlie Pegg 
 
 From Central Avenue." 
 
 "They are on their way to dinner 
 
 While it may seem strange to you 
 That's the average speed for street car men 
 
 From Central Avenue. 
 You see their schedule's so short 
 
 They run like they're insane ; 
 They rush from end to end all day, 
 
 And the speed affects their brain." 
 
 "Why nearly all those fellows 
 
 Are so nervous they can't talk, 
 And everywhere they go — they run ; 
 
 They've forgotten how to walk. 
 They rush about their business 
 
 With a time piece in their hand 
 A pair of spiked soled running shoes 
 
 And a pocket full of sand." 
 
 "They hang their uniforms on hooks 
 
 Before they go to bed, 
 Like the harness in an engine house, 
 
 And a big gong near their head 
 Sounds the alarm — they make a leap 
 
 And dash upon their way. 
 They eat breakfast from a nosebag, 
 
 And they do this every day." 
 
 "People talk about the Flyer 
 
 On the Katy System — say. 
 The Central Avenue schedule 
 
 Makes it loom up like a dray. 
 From the west end east to Riverview, 
 
 They make in nothing flat ; 
 That's rambling, but the real speed 
 
 Don't begin 'till after that." 
 
 -159- 
 
"Hereford and Noble, 
 
 Started north the other day, 
 On their daily dash to dinner 
 
 When a wagon blocked their way, 
 It was longer than a hay rack 
 
 And was loaded with case beer; 
 So these men ran in a circle, 
 
 Until the road was clear." 
 
 "It was just the other morning. 
 
 They found the power dead ; 
 Every crew on the division 
 
 Started for the car ahead. 
 The speed these fellows make afoot 
 
 Would make a race horse climb 
 They just naturally have to travel, 
 
 If they hope to make the time." 
 
 The man from Oklahoma 
 
 Said, "I thought I'd take a job, 
 On a street car, but I'll tell you 
 
 I will soak this chain and fob. 
 And start back to Oklahoma, 
 
 For this going is too rough. 
 
 Here comes two more blue streaks, pardner 
 Good bye. Pal — I've seen enough." 
 
 -160- 
 
"WHEN I GO BACK TO FLAG." 
 
 "If I were not good natured," said a "hind man" 
 
 "Flat Wheel Jim," 
 There's a monkey in this business I would surely 
 
 have to trim ; 
 For no matter what I'm doing, he will call me off 
 the drag, 
 
 And bawl out like an Indian, 
 
 Flat Wheel, go back and flag. 
 
 You would think that all the lions in the zoo had 
 
 been turned loose, 
 Or that a big eight wheeler would get into our 
 
 caboose ; 
 When we are hitting high spots you would think 
 he had a jag. 
 
 When he throws down all his way bills. 
 Flat Wheel, get down your flag. 
 
 That order comes so often I can hear it in my 
 
 sleep, 
 And my wife thinks I've gone crazy for around the 
 
 room I creep ; 
 Jump up and down upon the bed 'till it begins to 
 sag, 
 
 She says, "wake up," I say, "shut up," 
 For I've come back to flag. 
 
 If in that far off better world, if a better world 
 
 there be, 
 I don't hear that famaliar voice, I'll say "this can't 
 
 be me ;" 
 I will startle all the angels when I start out with 
 my rag. 
 
 Midst the music and the singing. 
 When I go back to flag. 
 
 FASHION PLATE CONROY. 
 
 Jim Conroy of No. 3 house 
 
 Whistled as he packed a grip. 
 He was happily looking forward 
 
 To his yearly hunting trip. 
 He oiled his automatic, 
 
 With a twinkle in his eye 
 Then sauntered back to 3 house 
 
 To bid the bunch good-bye. 
 
 With good wishes of his old pals 
 
 Still ringing in his ears 
 He caught a train for Red Hook, 
 
 A town he'd not seen for years. 
 He unloaded at the station 
 
 And started up the street, 
 Smiling pleasantly and nodding 
 
 To everyone he'd meet. 
 
 — 161-. 
 
The hotel clerk told "Fashion Plate" 
 
 A safe had just been blown, 
 At Cob Town, fourteen miles away, 
 
 And he told in undertone 
 Of how all Red Hook natives 
 
 Watched all strangers in the town — 
 Jim said, "That's only natural," 
 
 Then he took a stroll around. 
 
 He walked up to the general store 
 
 To get some Granger Twist ; 
 An inquisitive Red Hook native 
 
 Soon had Jim on his list. 
 Jim soon became uneasy 
 
 And his smile changed to a frown 
 As he sauntered back to the hotel. 
 
 Drug a chair out and sat down. 
 
 A human "whisk broom" followed Jim ; 
 
 Went in and got a chair, 
 Saying (as he settled down by Jim) 
 
 *T shore enjoy fresh air." 
 Then he asked a thousand questions 
 
 In a rapid fire way. 
 This "rube" would make Jerome or Thaw 
 
 Look like a blooming jay. 
 
 Jim looked at him through narrowed eyes 
 
 And listened with respect. 
 Remembering the hotel clerk 
 
 Told him what he must expect. 
 When the "whisk broom" finally finished 
 
 Jim said, "I've seen some 'hicks,' 
 But you're the freshest scissor-bill 
 
 That ever left the sticks." 
 
 "What you know about diplomacy, 
 
 You corn fed village tramp. 
 Could be written with a lather brush 
 
 On a two-cent postage stamp. 
 One idea in the noodle 
 
 Of you corn fed scissor-bills 
 Would rattle like a buckshot 
 
 In a tincup with the chills." 
 
 "I know nothing of safe-blowing, 
 
 You ancient Hackensack, 
 And I'm as foreign to that game 
 
 As a clean shirt to your back ; 
 I'm a total stranger, hick, to crime, 
 
 And here's a cinch for true, 
 A cell would look as strange to me 
 
 As a bath tub would to you." 
 
 —162— 
 
"Let me tell you something further, 
 
 You sod bustin' scissor-bill, 
 Your 'lingo' and your 'make-up' 
 
 Would go big in vaudeville ; 
 Why, say, the Orpheum circuit 
 
 Has searched this country through 
 With fine tooth combs and searchlights 
 
 Looking for such jokes as you." 
 
 "I'm from Kansas City, Kansas, 
 
 From rare old Irish stock ; 
 Why, I'm a hero, 'Rube,' by trade. 
 
 And get this in your 'block,' 
 When I stroll down the thoroughfare 
 
 The ladies say, 'Some boy.' 
 Just remember, you have interviewed 
 
 Fashion Plate Conroy." 
 
 HE MADE HER SAY ENOUGH. 
 
 A bunch of idle railroad men 
 
 Were talking of the past. 
 When fifty miles an hour 
 
 Was considered very fast. 
 They told of many incidents 
 
 Happening on the Santa Fe — 
 That's before the big block system 
 
 Lined a rock bed right o' way. 
 
 £d Hughes, an old-time "tallow pot," 
 
 Said, "Boys, you've had your say, 
 But I'll tell one on 'Jack' Gallagher, 
 
 Who's a hog head here today. 
 This was years ago, when Gallagher 
 
 First pulled the 'varnished cars.' 
 We were marked up for a special 
 
 With a load of opera stars.'' 
 
 " 'Old Jack' was shy on romance 
 
 And long on common sense 
 And when he saw the blackboard 
 
 His face grew drawn and tense. 
 He told me on the quiet 
 
 He would rather pull a freight. 
 For to pull a bunch of actors 
 
 Meant trouble, sure as fate." 
 
 "I laughed at 'Jack' and jollied him 
 
 That night before the bunch, 
 But 'Jack' was serious through it all. 
 
 Somehow he had a hunch 
 That trouble lay ahead for us. 
 
 He said, 'Don't try to buck 
 Against the wheel of fate, Ed, 
 
 For it only spells bad luck.' " 
 
 —163— 
 
"We were waiting at the depot, 
 
 *Jack' was down there oiling 'round 
 And we had a steamer, fellows. 
 
 That could sure get over ground. 
 Just before we got the 'high ball' 
 
 The conductor came ahead 
 With a lady and a letter. 
 
 Walking up to 'Jack,' he said" 
 
 " 'Mr. Gallagher, meet Miss Tracy, 
 
 The star of all the troupe. 
 She wants to ride the engine, 
 
 Here's a letter from the "supe." ' 
 'Jack' nodded to Miss Tracy, 
 
 Then read the letter through. 
 He turned and said, "The cab is rough, 
 
 And the ride is up to you.' " 
 
 "Jack" was trying hard to scare her, 
 
 But she didn't fall for that ; 
 
 She said she came ahead to ride. 
 
 And believe me she stood pat. 
 
 "Jack" helped her in the gangway 
 
 And pointed to his seat. 
 
 As she said, "Thanks, Mr. Gallagher, 
 
 This ride will be a treat." 
 
 "Jack" nudged me and climbed down again; 
 
 I followed "Jack'' on down ; 
 
 He looked back toward the depot 
 
 And hurriedly glancing 'round 
 
 He whispered, "Listen, Eddie, 
 
 That lady wants a ride. 
 
 She has a mania for speed 
 
 And she'll get it — durn my hide." 
 
 "Just then I took the high ball 
 And I called out, 'All right, "Jack." ' 
 He reached up for the throttle 
 Without once looking back. 
 I heard him tell the lady, 
 'You will find things pretty rough, 
 And it's up to you to tell me 
 When you have had enough.' " 
 
 "He fanned 'em out through Argentine 
 
 With one eye upon the gauge ; 
 
 Every time I eased up on her 
 
 'Old Jack' flew in a rage. 
 
 He yelled, stay with her, Eddie, 
 
 Just let her reel and pitch ; 
 
 I'll make that actress say enough 
 
 Or we'll pile up in the ditch." 
 
 —164— 
 
"I thought she'd never whimper, 
 
 Yea Bo, but she was game. 
 
 I felt like 'J^^k', but on the square, 
 
 It's risky just the same. 
 
 We rambled down Olathe hill 
 
 Where the track was pretty rough. 
 
 When I heard the lady screaming, 
 
 'Engineer, I've had enough.' " 
 
 The "con" came up at Ottawa 
 
 A little out o' breath 
 
 And yelled, "Say, what you doin' 
 
 Runnin' a race with death?" 
 
 "Old Jack" just smiled and answered, 
 
 "I've handled you folks rough 
 
 But I'll be easy from here on, 
 
 For I've made her say enough." 
 
 Dec. 12th, 1912. 
 
 Mr. Henry Glass, 
 
 Shofeer to Chief McNarrey, snipe hunter, badger 
 expert and salve artist supreme of the famous fire 
 fighting colony known the world over as The Fear- 
 less No. I's, I am in receipt of a letter from Kansas 
 City, Kans., under date of Dec. 10th and signed by 
 the Hon. Robert Bowman, sixth assistant captain 
 at Number 5 house in which he candidly and 
 rather boastfully claims the honorable distinction 
 of having defeated you decisively at checkers, 
 chess, dominoes and mumble peg. This news, if 
 true, is a sad blow to one of your position, both in 
 society and the world of sport. While I sincerely 
 hope I have misinterpreted Mr. Bowman's flatter- 
 ing statement of his seemingly unexcelled ability 
 as an exponent of the difficult art of manipulating 
 the checkers, etc., I am afraid there is at least a 
 small element of Gospel truth in his assertion that, 
 as a competitor for national honor and recognition 
 at the games mentioned you are a sad and dismal 
 failure. This is indeed sad, sad news to be heralded 
 broadcast and will beyond all doubt prove the 
 prominent and all absorbing topic of the world's 
 famous clubrooms and exclusive circles where you 
 have reigned supreme as an idol for years. I has- 
 ten to assure you that I am grieved beyond de- 
 scription to learn of your downfall, but there is at 
 least a world of consolation in the fact that you 
 lost your coveted reputation to so worthy an op- 
 ponent as the Hon. Robert Bowman. There is no 
 doubt in my mind that the news will be a telling 
 blow to Mr. Herbert Dill, for "Bert," as we call 
 him on the golf links, was a firm believer in your 
 abilities in everything from impersouating an of- 
 
 —165— 
 
ficer to holding a snipe sack. I have heard Mr. 
 Dill shout his views along these lines in public of- 
 tener than I have seen Tubby Williams walk a 
 tight rope. Bert never lost an opportunity to my 
 knowledge to tell anybody who was willing to lis- 
 ten to him what he thought of you. I am sending 
 in this mail to the Cleveland Gut and the sporting 
 editor of the Christian Advocate, your photo with 
 a "no skid" rubber tire for a frame, forty barrels 
 of varnish for a background and a checker in one 
 hand, a domino in the other, a sack underneath the 
 photo, a bull on one side of the photo and the stock 
 yards on the other, a badger, crouching to spring, 
 on top of the tire and this inscription underneath 
 in four-inch, red, letters : "Defeated by the Black 
 Hand." I shall be more than pleased to call upon 
 you at the engine house the latter part of next 
 month and will take up the matter of replacing you 
 upon the pedestal of popularity once more. With 
 sincere regards to Mr. Channing Baker and once 
 more assuring you of my personal interest in your 
 ultimate success, I beg to remain, your humble and 
 obedient servant ISY RIGHT. 
 
 P. S. — ^As a personal favor to an ardent admirer 
 do not commit suicide until I have the necessary 
 capital to invest in a black suit of clothing. Kindly 
 tender my kindest regards to Mr. McNarrey. 
 
 THE WATSON BRAND OF "BULL." 
 
 Harry Watson, out at number eight 
 
 (Head salve artist for that crew) 
 Is the best single handed "artist" 
 
 The department ever knew. 
 He throws more "bull' than any man 
 
 I've met in many years; 
 His hide's so full of "Durham" 
 
 That it oozes from his ears. 
 
 He was talking to a motorman 
 
 Upon the Tenth Street line, 
 And when "Greasy" started talking 
 
 The motorman changed the sign. 
 It was pure misrepresentation 
 
 And a case of stacking cards 
 To let the sign read "Tenth Street," 
 
 So he made it read "Stock Yards." 
 
 "Greasy" said, "I've got a scheme. Kid, 
 
 That will make them stop and look, 
 I'm the sole originator. 
 
 And just put this in your book. 
 There is nothing in the country 
 
 Like this fancy frill of mine; 
 Chief McNarrey's crazy 'bout it ; 
 
 *Lindy' says it's simply fine." 
 
 —166--. 
 
"We are going to build a tower 
 
 To run up two hundred feet 
 And stretch a six-foot tumbling net 
 
 Beneath it in the street. 
 Every man in the department 
 
 Must report there every day; 
 We'll develop muscle there, Bud, 
 
 When we once get under way." 
 
 "Each man takes his turn at scaling 
 
 With a prize to winning crews, 
 And the famous Tompier' ladders 
 
 Is the only thing we'll use. 
 'Chime' Baker (pride of No. 1) 
 
 Is to be the training chief. 
 What he knows about condition 
 
 Is almost beyond belief." 
 
 "I'll do a little extra stunt, 
 
 For it's my idea you see, 
 I'll show them all what real nerve is, 
 
 There'll be no one follow me ; 
 I will dive off of the tower 
 
 To the tumbling net beneath. 
 With both hands tied behind me, 
 
 And my ladder in my teeth." 
 
 " 'Joe' Simpson (famous beauty) 
 
 Will have a lot to say. 
 And will give ten minute lectures 
 
 On anatomy every day. 
 Then there'll be another stunt. Kid, 
 
 That will be worth while to see, 
 Pulled off by Tubby' Williams 
 
 And Conroy of No. 3." 
 
 "These guys will take a blanket 
 
 And make a parachute, 
 Then jump off of the tower. 
 
 And say — their act's a beaut. 
 They both come down together; 
 
 It is sure to take your breath, 
 For one hand is in their pocket 
 
 As they calmly flirt with death." 
 
 " 'Ugly' Clark (the traveling fireman) 
 
 Will simply knock 'em dead. 
 When he goes up on the tower 
 
 Standing on Joe Simpson's head. 
 Aaron Simth will have 'em guessing 
 
 When he jumps into the street 
 From the flag staff on the tower, 
 
 With coil bed springs on his feet." 
 
The motorman swayed and staggered; 
 
 The conductor came ahead 
 Just in time to catch the motorman 
 
 As he gasped and fell back — dead. 
 Harry then asked the conductor, 
 
 "What's the matter, is he full?" 
 The "connie" shook his head and answered, 
 
 "Just a case of Watson 'Bull.' " 
 
 A NIGHT IN THE WOODS. 
 
 Qiarlie Bell (the motorman) 
 
 Wore a long and careworn face 
 As he said to "Sandy" Nelson, 
 
 "A town's a tiresome place; 
 Everybody's in a hurry 
 
 And it makes a man feel blue. 
 For between their families and their work 
 
 They have no time for you." 
 
 "You come down in the morning 
 
 And go home again at night — 
 Seven days a week of this 
 
 Makes a fellow want to fight. 
 Everybody's fighting daily 
 
 For their share of earthly goods 
 And I'd give a whole lot, 'Sandy,' 
 
 For a night out in the woods." 
 
 "Well, Charlie," Nelson answered, 
 
 "I'll tell you what I'll do, 
 I'll see the bunch at noon today, 
 
 Then I'll report to you." 
 "Sandy" laid his plan before the men 
 
 At the street car barn at noon — 
 "Lovie" Ralston said, "I'll tell you, 
 
 Let's go out and tree a coon." 
 
 "We'll have Jess Caves take his fiddle ; 
 
 Say, we'll have a high old time. 
 Then there's Dorrel and Ike Horner, 
 
 We will take them out to climb." 
 George Lyons and Lee Allen, 
 
 Kelly, Trout and Sheats 
 And Gresham (called the Smiling Kid) 
 
 Agreed to get the "eats." 
 
 M. C. Happy danced a horn pipe, 
 
 Tidwell threw his cap away. 
 Perry Johnson turned a hand-spring 
 
 As he yelled, "Let's start today. 
 A good old fashioned coon hunt 
 
 Is a trip that holds a charm — 
 Say, get the bunch together 
 
 And come out to my farm." 
 
 —168- 
 
That evening "Sandy" Nelson 
 
 Broke the news to Charlie Bell. 
 Charlie listened for a moment, 
 
 Then let out a deafening yell. 
 "Sandy" said, "It's all fixed, Charlie, 
 
 And we'll do this thing up right ; 
 Everything has been arranged for 
 
 And we start tomorrow night.'' 
 
 Charlie softly murmured, "Thank you. 
 
 You have done a lot for me ; 
 It's been twenty-five years, 'Sandy,' 
 
 Since I tried to climb a tree. 
 But I'm just as good as ever 
 
 And the boys can't start too soon — 
 Just lead me to the timber 
 
 And it's good-bye. Mister Coon." 
 
 They went to Perry Johnson's farm. 
 
 Where they put on "don't care" clothes; 
 Charlie Bell said, "Hurry, fellows. 
 
 Take me where the timber grows." 
 They treed a furry animal. 
 
 Bell turned to Trout and said, 
 "What is that sickening odor? 
 
 By golly, something's dead." 
 
 Ike Horner called for whisky, 
 
 Mike Kelly said, "I'm sick, 
 And I'm tellin' all you fellows 
 
 This is no place for a 'mick.' '' 
 Tidwell groaned and Gresham stammered, 
 
 "My kingdom for a rose." 
 Then they slipped up to the barn yard, 
 
 Where they buried their old clothes. 
 
 "Sandy" Nelson said, "Say, fellows, 
 
 That lunch will be a treat." 
 Charlie Bell gagged as he answered, 
 
 "My God, who wants to eat?" 
 They wandered back to Argentine ; 
 
 Ralston looked up at the moon 
 As he said, "I don't know what that was, boys. 
 
 But I'm sure it was no coon." 
 
 HOW FUZZY GOT HIS JOB. 
 
 "Fuzzy" Merry (village blacksmith) 
 
 Was talking to the bunch. 
 Of how he came to land his job 
 
 By one terrific punch. 
 "I didn't tell on paper 
 
 How I could make a shoe, 
 I just peeled my linen duster 
 
 And showed 'em all what I could do.' 
 
 —169- 
 
"I was just in from the cane brakes, 
 
 A great, big, awkward slob, 
 Who knew just how to shoe a horse 
 
 But couldn't land a job. 
 I happened by here one hot day 
 
 And heard a lot of noise. 
 And I finally fought my way up through 
 
 An alley full of boys.'' 
 
 They had a sorrel horse in here, 
 
 And, say — but he could pitch, 
 With the blacksmith using everything 
 
 From 'hobbles' to a 'twitch.' 
 I saw in just a minute 
 
 That the whole bunch was afraid, 
 And the blacksmith left the sorrel 
 
 At every move he made." 
 
 "I watched them for a moment. 
 
 Then I strolled in to the chief 
 And said, T see your blacksmith 
 
 Is having lots of grief.' 
 *Yes,' he said, 'that sorrel's temper 
 
 Is the talk of half the town, 
 And the only way to shoe him 
 
 That I see's to throw him down.' " 
 
 "Then I said, 'Say, look me over — 
 
 I just busted from the brush, 
 But I can shoe that sorrel 
 
 Single handed — in a rush. 
 I will have him back in harness 
 
 Before his shoes get cold; 
 Why, I shod 'outlaw' horses 
 
 When I was nine years old.' " 
 
 " 'Say, I remember lots of times 
 
 They took me out of school 
 When I was just a baby, 
 
 To shoe a kicking mule. 
 Bad horses grew to know me. 
 
 And when I'd walk down the street, 
 I've seen "outlaws" at the hitch rack 
 
 Look at me — then raise their feet." 
 
 "The chief whistled, then he answered, 
 
 'Boy, you sure must be a star, 
 Now just shed that "alpaca," 
 
 And show me how good you are.* 
 The chief beckoned to the blacksmith 
 
 And the bunch all left the shop 
 When I said, 'Just watch your sorrel, 
 
 He'll be a shod horse when I stop.' " 
 
 —170- 
 
"The sorrel made a lunge at me 
 
 And let out an awful bawl. 
 I hit him square between the eyes 
 
 And knocked him 'gainst the wall. 
 I roughed him for a minute, 
 
 And say, right from the go, 
 He would crowd up in a corner 
 
 Every time I 'hollered whoa.' " 
 
 "Well, I shod him in six minutes, 
 
 And he was well shod — understand? 
 Say, it took me just two minutes 
 
 To have him eating from my hand. 
 The gang looked on in wonder 
 
 All the chief could do was stare. 
 The mayor took me by the hand. 
 
 And said, 'Old boy, you're there.' " 
 
 "The council held a special meeting, 
 
 The shortest in the land. 
 They sent the mayor for me 
 
 And they met me with a band. 
 They begged me for an hour 
 
 To send and get my wife. 
 They said, 'You're just the man we need. 
 
 You've got a job for life.' " 
 
 WHEN SAM McJIMSEY MADE GOOD. 
 
 Sam Mcjimsey and Dan Enright 
 
 Sat in a barber shop, 
 Dan said to Sam, "They tell me 
 
 That you're sure some running 'cop.' " 
 "Run? Say, I made a record 
 
 In the state of Texas, Dan, 
 That never has been equaled. 
 
 By a race horse or a man. 
 
 "I was spending a vacation 
 
 Out near Wichita Falls 
 Where wild cats thrive a plenty 
 
 And the deadly rattler crawls. 
 Cattle rustlers had been busy 
 
 And bank robbers were so bold 
 That to read the daily papers 
 
 Would made your blood run cold." 
 
 "Say, Dan, I want to tell you 
 
 That country sure was rough 
 And a sheriff in that country 
 
 Finds the going mighty tough. 
 It's a common sight to see a man 
 
 Ride in there on the run 
 And the sheriff go to meet him 
 
 With his hand upon his gun." 
 
"All the rider says is — Hoss Thieves — 
 
 And the sheriff nods his head, 
 He gets a fresh canteen of water 
 
 And a loaf of home made bread. 
 He buckles on four pistols 
 
 And saddles in a rush, 
 Slings a rifle on his shoulder 
 
 And they start out for the brush/' 
 
 "Well, I soon ran out of money — 
 
 Work was mighty hard to find 
 And the walk to Kansas City 
 
 Was a long and tedious grind. 
 I realized one morning 
 
 Something must be done right then 
 And I chanced to hear the sheriff 
 
 Say he wanted five brave men.-' 
 
 "My empty pocket told me 
 
 To go out and get the dough 
 While my fluttering heart kept saying, 
 
 Take it slow, Sam, take it slow. 
 They were after desperadoes 
 
 And I had a nervous chill 
 When the sheriff said, T'U take you 
 
 If you're not afraid to kill.' '' 
 
 '"'Two Gun' Pickett was my partner 
 
 And we started in the lead 
 With a fresh canteen of water 
 
 And a big supply of feed. 
 When 'Two Gun' turned and asked me. 
 
 How many men I'd killed? 
 My heart action was a million, 
 
 And — my spinal column chilled." 
 
 "I said, T've never killed a man, Tom, 
 
 But I want this understood 
 If we overtake those cut throats 
 
 Believe me — I'll make good.' 
 Well, he said, T've killed a hundred 
 
 And crippled some who got away. 
 But I'll add five to the death list 
 
 If the shooting's good to-day.' " 
 
 "Tom awoke me just at day break 
 
 And he said, 'The gang's in sight, 
 Drink a cup of strong, black coffee, 
 
 And get ready for a fight.' 
 He crawled up to a brush pile 
 
 And I heard him cock his gun 
 Then something seemed to shout at me, 
 
 'Run ! You sucker, run !' " 
 
 —172— 
 
"I heard the Katy Flyer 
 
 Whistle, 'bout two miles away, 
 And I murmured, 'if you beat me 
 
 You will have to go today.' 
 I dropped my Marlin rifle 
 
 And six shooters to the ground 
 And I beat the Katy Flyer 
 
 To the outskirts of the town." 
 
 "The next time I met Tom Pickett 
 
 He sized me up and said, 
 'You said you were a stayer. 
 
 But you ran back home instead. 
 I asked you if you'd go some 
 
 And you told me that you would,' 
 'Well,' I said, T beat the Katy 
 
 And I claim that's making good.' " 
 
 BUCK-SHOT BEN. 
 
 Harry Powers (fire fighter) 
 
 Talking to a friend one night 
 Said, "Life 'round here is sure a drag 
 
 I am longing for a fight. 
 This life of peace is all O. K. 
 
 For a man who's mostly brains, 
 But Fm a healthy rough neck 
 
 With red blood in my veins." 
 
 Harry took a month vacation 
 
 And told his friends in town 
 He was going out to Winslow 
 
 Just to mow those bad men down. 
 Harry left the train at Winslow, 
 
 Sauntered up to a hotel 
 Where he registered and asked the clerk 
 
 Where h could find some h — 1. 
 
 "Well," the clerk said, "I will tell you" 
 
 You had better leave your name 
 And the place to ship your body 
 
 If you're looking for big game. 
 Now if its fight you're looking for 
 
 Just drop around to Burke's 
 They'll fight you there with anything 
 
 From forty-fives to dirks." 
 
 Standing just out side of Burke's place 
 
 Was a man, tall, gaunt and thin, 
 Who looked like easy money — 
 
 Harry said, "Here's where I begin.** 
 As the fellow turned Harry Powers saw 
 
 A vast expanse of chest 
 And a gruesome skull and cross bones 
 
 Tattooed across his breast. 
 
 -173- 
 
He slowly sized up Powers 
 
 Then pulled a blue steel gun 
 And said, "Hello — a stranger? 
 
 And he looks like he could run. 
 When I see a guy like you,, Pard, 
 
 It kinda gets my goat 
 An' I hanker fer the pleasure 
 
 To reach up and cut a throat." 
 
 "I love to start out, stranger, 
 
 With a bowie in my teeth ; 
 The hot sun beatin' on me 
 
 An' the desert sand beneath. 
 If you're a man that's game, Pard, 
 
 An' aint a skeered to fight 
 With a bowie er six shooter 
 
 I'll jest stay with you all night." 
 
 "You kin see my hair all matted down 
 
 An' p'raps you think that's mud 
 But that's not mud up thar, Pard, 
 
 That thar is human blood. 
 I killed my last man yesterday 
 
 At a three card Monte game — 
 He was some bad man himself, Pard, 
 
 But I got 'im — just the same.'' 
 
 "I caught this guy a cheatin' 
 
 An' I tells him kinda low 
 I seen you turn that ace, Pard, 
 
 That kinda stuff don't go. 
 He flashed back sorta sassy, 
 
 I'm a dealin' here tonight 
 An' if you don't like the layout 
 
 You kin hit the trail — er fight." 
 
 "Well," I says, "My weapon's bowies 
 
 Er a colt six forty-five 
 We leave this joint together 
 
 One of use comes back alive. 
 The other lays out thar, Pard, 
 
 Whar the hot wind softly moans 
 With a cactus fer a piller 
 
 An' the ants to pick his bones." 
 
 "Now as I was sayin', stranger. 
 
 You look like you could run." 
 As he spoke he shot the ashes 
 
 From his Cinco with his gun. 
 I'm givin' you two minutes, Pard, 
 
 To get clean out o' sight. 
 An' if you don't make it, stranger, 
 
 I will shore fan out yer light." 
 
 -174- 
 
"Two minutes is yer limit — 
 
 Now, Pard, it's up to you." 
 Harry answered, "That's enough, Pal, 
 
 Much obliged, and thank you, too." 
 Harry left the town on high speed 
 
 And was never seen again. 
 He decided to be neutral 
 
 When he met old "Buck-Shot Ben." 
 
 IF YOU CALL— YOU CALL ALONE. 
 
 Mail carrier Ed Fitzgibbon 
 
 At home the other night, 
 
 Read an article pertaining 
 
 To a San Francisco fight. 
 
 The loser of the battle 
 
 Left the ring without a scratch. 
 
 And drew down one thousand dollars 
 
 For his efforts in the match. 
 
 Ed read the article four times. 
 Sat back and thought awhile. 
 Got up and put his hat on. 
 As he ventured with a smile : 
 "I'll be back home in an hour, 
 And I'll have a big surprise ; 
 I will tell you folks the secret 
 If my hopes materialize." 
 
 "Fitz" called on Ed McKenna, 
 
 And told Ed of his plan, 
 
 Saying, "Ed, I need a friend's advice, 
 
 And I know that you're the man 
 
 To give me information. 
 
 I'm a novice at this game — 
 
 I may make a failure of it. 
 
 But I'll try it just the same." 
 
 "What's the use of carrying mail bags 
 That weigh a hundred pounds, 
 When you get a thousand dollars 
 For fighting twenty rounds ? 
 A 'pug' today can write a check 
 For any old amount. 
 I'm strong, 'Mac,' for this fight game 
 And a healthy bank account." 
 
 McKenna slowly filled his pipe. 
 Crossed his legs and scratched his head. 
 He looked Fitzgibbon over, 
 Then said, "I'll tell you, Ed, 
 This fight game is a hard one ; 
 It's a tough old game clear through, 
 But I guess you know your business. 
 And I'll tell you what I'll do." 
 
 -175- 
 
"I know a lad in Armourdale 
 
 Who's an old head at this game ; 
 
 He's just the man for you to see, 
 
 KoUman is his name. 
 
 If you care to' see this fellow 
 
 I will take you down tonight — 
 
 If there's one thing this lad knows for sure, 
 
 That one thing— is to FIGHT." 
 
 They went down to Oscar KoUman's, 
 And McKenna said, '*Say, lad. 
 Here's a guy who has the fight bug. 
 And he's got the fever bad. 
 Take him out and look him over." 
 Oscar answered, "All right, 'Mac,' 
 My *gym' sets on the alley — 
 Bring your friend and come on back." 
 
 "Fitz" — feeling rather creepy — 
 
 Stood just inside the door, 
 
 As he asked, "What are those blotches 
 
 I see upon the floor?" 
 
 Oscar yawned and stretched, then answered, 
 
 "Don't let that scare you, 'Bud,' 
 
 You'll see a lot of those stains here — 
 
 But that is only blood." 
 
 "There's a jaw tooth in that cuspidor. 
 
 And a front tooth near the wall ; 
 
 I thought I swept out good last night. 
 
 But I didn't get 'em all. 
 
 Hot weather makes things quiet, 
 
 Times are better when it's cold — 
 
 Why, there's a roll of bandages 
 
 That is fully two weeks old." 
 
 "Here, put this pair of gloves on, 
 Take that corner over there." 
 "Fitz" answered, "Nothing stirring. 
 Let me get out to fresh air." 
 McKenna said, "We'll call again." 
 And in an undertone 
 "Fitz" mumbled to McKenna, 
 "If you call— you call ALONE." 
 
 ON BOARD THE PILOT OF THE 39. 
 
 An actual experience of the writer. The names of 
 the characters are fictitious. 
 
 It was about 5 :30 p. m. along about the 12th of 
 August, 1900, when W. J. Osterhaut, pulling throttle 
 on the old 39 spot T. P. & W. (through passenger) 
 pulled into Forest, 111., about 14 minutes late, 
 
 ■176- 
 
"Rooster" (as this "hog head" was known amongst 
 the boys) swung down from the cab with an oil 
 can to look after a warm journal. I exchanged 
 greetings with "Rooster," and his "tallow pot" 
 (George Richardson) who was standing in the gang 
 way, then I climbed up into the cab. I had always 
 had a passion for riding the pilot and this peculiarity 
 was well known to both the "hog head" and the 
 "tallow pot" on the 39. Frank Tibbets (the con- 
 ductor) came down to the engine and handed 
 "Rooster" his running orders and "high balled'' him 
 out of town. As "Rooster" started to pull out of 
 town he called me across the cab. Steadying myself 
 with one hand on the reverse lever and the other 
 shading my ear I leaned over to hear what he had to 
 say. He gave her a couple of notches, took a look 
 down the main line, leaned over and shouted, "WeVe 
 got a good piece o' track along here and I'm going 
 to fan 'em." "Don't you want to ride the pilot?" 
 "Sure," I yelled back. Going over to the fireman's 
 seat box I exchanged my coat and hat for a cap and 
 a jumper. The fireman "hit her a shot" just as I 
 stepped out on the window and started along the 
 running board for the pilot. I stepped down on to 
 the cylinder case and from there to the pilot with 
 the old 39 rambling along at about 30 miles an hour. 
 Crawling over to the right hand side I gave 
 "Rooster'' a "high ball" before grasping the number 
 plate with one hand and the flag socket with the 
 other. Yea Bo — business sure was good. Old 
 "Rooster" was fanning 'em for keeps. I was afraid 
 to open my eyes for fear the wind would blow them 
 out of their sockets, and the way the wind played 
 "crack the whip" with that jumper was a caution. 
 It was about to whip me to death. Every time 
 "Rooster" gave her a notch I could feel the 39 re- 
 spond. I made one attempt years ago to ride an 
 "outlaw" horse and judging by the way the 39 
 "pitched," "side wheeled," and lunged I imagine the 
 sensation is about the same in both cases barring 
 the blind fold, hackamore and saddle. I heard 
 "Rooster" scream for a flag station and was hoping 
 he would have to make the stop. But there was 
 no such luck for me. He screamed twice and the 
 39 fell down through that hamlet so fast the natives 
 gathered around the depot thought she was a falling 
 star. We were about 3 miles out of Weston when, 
 above the rush of the wind and the roar of the rush- 
 ing train, I heard, faintly at first, then louder and 
 louder until my head ached — the stock whistle. You 
 may have listened unmoved to the weird blasts of 
 a stock whistle, but take it from me if you want to 
 get it right you want to get it while riding the pilot 
 of a "kettle" turning 'em at about 60 miles an hour. 
 Out there with the wind cutting your face while the 
 
 -177- 
 
heat from the boiler head scorches your back, with 
 your Hfe depending solely upon your ability to hold 
 on, where you dare not let go with either hand 
 while the pilot threatens to ramble out from under 
 you every minute. There's the place to get the full 
 expression of the stock whistle. That's where it 
 sounds like your funeral knell. At first I thought 
 ''Rooster" was merely enjoying himself at my ex- 
 pense. I figured the alarm was a scare for my sole 
 benefit. I confess that had such been his intentions 
 he was certainly successful. Just as I had about 
 convinced myself it was all a joke "Rooster" shut 
 off. I realized then, it was on the square for he 
 would never shut off to make his bluff good. He 
 put her over in the big hole and gave her sand. I 
 could hear the drivers grinding as the brake shoes 
 slammed up against them and I imagined I could see 
 the fire streaming from her wheels as I put forth a 
 mighty mental effort to help him hold her. I felt 
 her lunge forward as he released the aid and opened 
 her up. I realized then that being impossible to stop 
 he intended to do the next best thing — hit 'em hard. 
 I tried to think of a short prayer as the 39 leaped to 
 meet the obstruction. With an effort I managed to 
 get my eyes open wide enough for one little peek. 
 "Cattle" — I thought, as I held my breath and braced 
 myself for the shock. There was a dull thud as 
 something hit the boiler head directly under the 
 number plate and dropped to the pilot. About that 
 time something fell across my lap and proceeded to 
 make itself at home. I took a solemn oath right 
 then that, if I ever lived to tell it — this would be my 
 last ride on a pilot. When "Rooster" shut off and 
 whistled for Chenoa. I opened my eyes and looked 
 down upon the object I had been nursing for the 
 last five miles. Then I looked over at the other 
 unfortunate I had heard hit the boiler head. They 
 were sheep. As "Rooster" made the stop I rolled 
 the sheep off my lap up against the other one and 
 slipping off the pilot I went back and climbed up 
 into the cab. "Rooster" bawled out at me as I 
 climbed up into the gangway, "Hello, Kid, you 
 hurt?" I looked up into that big, good natured 
 face of his and replied, "O, don't worry now, old 
 timer. I have had time to have been buried since 
 you hit that bunch of sheep. Lay back on your 
 cushions and remember you have enough mutton 
 out there on the pilot to last your whole neighbor- 
 hood a month." After washing up, I climbed up on 
 to the seat box with the fireman, when "Rooster* 
 again called to me, "Another nice piece o' track 
 ahead. Want to ride the pilot?" I shouted back as 
 
 —178— 
 
we pulled out of town, "Nothing stirring." "Ain't 
 afraid, are you?" he called back. Crossing the deck, 
 I screamed, "Not necessarily, but you might hit a 
 steer the next time and I'm afraid I couldn't hold 
 HIM. Give me some sort of a guarantee that you 
 won't hit anything bigger than a chicken and I'm 
 with you." It is hardly necessary to state that that 
 was my last ride on a pilot. 
 
 SINGING BILL. 
 
 "One hundred Swedes 
 
 Took to the weeds, 
 
 One Irishman behind them." 
 
 "Bill" Carmody was singing 
 
 As the street car rolled along — 
 The passengers were mystified 
 
 At the snatches of a song. 
 The people riding up in front 
 
 Kept looking toward the rear, 
 While the ones behind looked up ahead 
 
 And strained their ears to hear. 
 
 Above the hum. of motors 
 
 And the rumble of the car. 
 Above the clanging of the gong, 
 
 Unmarred by jolt or jar. 
 The rasping voice grew stronger, 
 
 Then would gradually fade away. 
 Like the echo of the breezes 
 
 On a balmy summer's day. 
 
 The conductor shambled through the car 
 
 To gather up the fares 
 And apparently the singing 
 
 Was the least of all his cares. 
 A passenger called to him, 
 
 "Say, where's the vaudeville?'' 
 He smiled and pointed up ahead 
 
 As the car pitched down the hill. 
 
 *I guess you hear the motorman 
 
 Singing to a friend. 
 He'll be singing that way, pardner, 
 
 Till we get out to the end. 
 The company won't let him talk, 
 
 So he resorts to song. 
 And if passengers ride out in front 
 
 He will sing the whole day long." 
 
 —179- 
 
The passenger smiled and answered, 
 
 "By golly, that is odd, 
 And judging by his dialect 
 
 He came from the 'ould sod.' 
 I'm much obliged, conductor." 
 
 Then with a beaming smile 
 He grasped the seat backs in the car 
 
 And staggered up the aisle. 
 
 He found the motorman alone 
 
 And climbed upon the stool. 
 Saying, "Howdy do, fine weather." 
 
 "Bill" sung back, "Pretty cool." 
 The passenger said, "Motorman, 
 
 This work is pretty tough — 
 Are you really so happy, 
 
 Or is it just a bluff?" 
 
 To the tunes of "Annie Laurie" 
 
 And "The Wearin' o' the Green" 
 Bill answered, "Well, this labor 
 
 Beats a lot that I have seen. 
 For instance, see that gang there 
 
 In mud up to their eyes ? 
 I've got those fellows beat a mile — 
 
 This job beats tampin' ties." 
 
 Then "Bill" changed to Yankee Doodle" 
 
 As he sung, "There's lots o' men 
 Ridiculing other folks 
 
 Who should be in the 'pen.' 
 This work is not as good as some 
 
 For hours and for pay. 
 But I make an HONEST livin' 
 
 And that's a lot to say." 
 
 To the air of "Down in Dixie" 
 
 "Bill" continued, "By the way, 
 You must have a GOOD job, pardner, 
 
 For you ride the cars all day.'' 
 The passenger grew nervous. 
 
 Then gave his head a toss 
 As he answered, "When I'm working 
 
 I'm assistant section boss." 
 
 "Say, let me off at Fourth street, 
 
 I've gone a block too far." 
 As he dropped off he heard a voice 
 Above the rumble! of the car, 
 "One hundred Swedes 
 Took to the weeds. 
 One Irishman behind them." 
 
 ■180- 
 
IT SURE LOOKED GOOD TO HIM. 
 
 Henry Glass (the second Oldfield) 
 
 Is back upon the job 
 And the tales he weaves of railroad life 
 
 Make old time boomers sob. 
 "It's a cinch to run these auto trucks 
 
 And lay out a line o' hose, 
 It beats handling a number 10, 
 
 Now let me tell you those." 
 
 "I quit the fire department 
 
 And rambled to New York, 
 Where they call you Mister So and So 
 
 And eat soup with a fork. 
 I got a job as fireman 
 
 On the Michigan Central road, 
 Where fifty cars o' scrap iron 
 
 Is called a medium load." 
 
 **Now, I had never fired 
 
 A 'battle ship' before, 
 And do my best I couldn't hit 
 
 The staggering fire door ; 
 I stepped upon the apron 
 
 And lit upon my neck 
 With the *hog head' cussin' like Saint Nick 
 
 'Cause I was on the deck." 
 
 "They marked me up one morning 
 
 With a bohunk engineer, 
 I noticed he was surly 
 
 When I yells, 'The block is clear !' 
 He sat up there and pouted 
 
 Like a lion in a cage, 
 And he runs the whole division 
 
 With his eyes upon the gauge." 
 
 "I could see the steam gauge slippin' 
 
 And he yells, 'Get on the job ! 
 What do you think that coals' for. 
 
 You great big awkward slob?' 
 I says, 'All right, old timer,' 
 
 And with an aching back 
 I watched a stream of fireworks 
 
 Shoot upward from the stack." 
 
 "My heart was slowly sinking — 
 
 There sat that 'hog head' crank 
 With one eye on the steam gauge 
 
 And the other on the tank. 
 Then I says, 'Gee ! I'm a sucker 
 
 To let that 'boob' sit there 
 With his lever among the oil cans 
 
 And rawhidin' her for fair." 
 
 —181— 
 
"I climbs upon the seat box 
 
 And my head began to swim ; 
 I mumbles, 'We might make it, 
 
 But our chance is mighty slim,' 
 Then I heard the *hog head' holler ! 
 
 And I looks up at the gauge 
 
 It was one of those times, kiddo. 
 
 When a minute seems an age." 
 
 "I leaps across the cab. Kid, 
 
 And I grabs him by the neck ; 
 I shook him till he 'hollered !' 
 
 Then I steps back on the deck — 
 'Pull that lever close to center. 
 
 Give a new man half a show ! 
 If you yell at me again. Kid, 
 
 In the firebox you go !' " 
 
 "The head brakeman crosses over 
 
 And he says, 'This thing won't do ; 
 She'll never steam, "old taller," 
 
 With the coal banked to the flues.' 
 'Well,' I says to him, 'I'm through, Kid, 
 
 That "bohunk" "eagle-eye" 
 Can keep her hot himself. Kid, \ 
 
 Or let the scrap heap die'." 
 
 "The 'hog head' tries to square things, 
 
 But I says, 'Old Top, I'm through — 
 I am here to work all right. Bo, 
 
 But I sure am sick o' you.' 
 Then I quits and draws my pay check, 
 
 And say, Kid, hully gee ! 
 This job o' drivin' fire trucks 
 
 Shore does look good to me." 
 
 MIKE GORMAN'S STORY. 
 
 "Mickey" Gorman up at "one" house 
 
 Slowly sank down in a chair. 
 Removed his cap, yawned and ran 
 
 His fingers through his hair. 
 Then Mike grew reminiscent 
 
 As his hands clasped 'round his knee, 
 He settled farther in the chair 
 
 Then pulled this one on me : 
 
 "They talk about the bravery 
 
 Of the heroes with the hose, 
 I will tell you something, 'kiddo,' 
 
 That a very few folks know. 
 We made a run one morning 
 
 (It was cold — 'bout ten below) 
 To a fire on the avenue 
 
 About two years ago." 
 
 —182— 
 
" 'Wild Duck' Patterson drove the wagon 
 
 And I was on the truck 
 When Bob saw the thermometer 
 
 He bellowed out, Tough luck !' 
 When we pulled up at the fire 
 
 I ran to the chief and said, 
 'If you send men in that building 
 
 They are just as good as dead'." 
 
 " 'Jack' replied, 'I know she's hot, Mike, 
 
 It's,(a death trap — full of snares — 
 But remember there are people 
 
 Living in the rooms upstairs,' 
 'Jack' went away a minute. 
 
 Then he rushed back and said, 'Mike, 
 The stairway just dropped in the flames, 
 
 I've never seen the like'." 
 
 " 'That heat would burn our ladders 
 
 And we haven't got a net ; 
 I'm putting all my faith in you. 
 
 For you're sure the one best bet.' 
 I looked up at a window. 
 
 When I heard a lady scream 
 And I called to Charlie Abrahams 
 
 To take charge of my team." 
 
 "I shouted to McNarrey, 
 
 'Let me pick out my own crew 
 And I will save those people,' 
 
 And 'Jack' screamed, Tt's up to you.' 
 Then I picked out 'Buger' Sayers, 
 
 'Sticks' Conroy and Callahan, 
 Sheehan, Drummy, Quinlan, 
 
 And the 'fiend for work,' Moran." 
 
 "Then I called for 'Hugh' McCullough, 
 
 The fire fighting lad. 
 And also for Bob Maher, 
 
 The 'Tipperary Tad.' 
 I never saw a finer bunch 
 
 Of dead game men before, 
 Then we hoisted up the ladders 
 
 And climbed to the roof next door." 
 
 "There was avvacant lot between us 
 
 And the people in the street 
 Looked up at us and wondered 
 
 How we'd span that fifty feet. 
 I then placed 'Buger' Sayers 
 
 Opposite a window ledge ; 
 They climbed on each other's shoulders 
 
 To make a human bridge." 
 
 —183— 
 
" 'Tommy' Drummy was the top man, 
 
 For it took a lot of strength 
 To catch a window ledge and hold 
 
 A string of men that length. 
 They carried out the people, 
 
 Tramping o'er us in a drove. 
 Then I heard McNarrey bellow, 
 
 *Now, go back and get the stove'." 
 
 "We hung there for two hours. 
 
 While they carried the furniture out, 
 And I felt myself a slipping 
 
 When I heard Tom Drummy shout, 
 Drummy felt the brick wall totter 
 
 And he shouted back, 'Hold tight !' 
 Then we all climbed back to safety 
 
 After one long, bitter fight." 
 
 "Tom Drummy's hands were blistered 
 
 And Sayers' toes were sore. 
 For he had never carried 
 
 That much weight on them before. 
 'Jack' said, 'Michael, you're a hero.' 
 
 I said, 'Well, perhaps you're right.' 
 What? You're going? Well, so long, Jack 
 
 Drop in again some night." 
 
 WHATS IN A NAME. 
 
 Police Judge Joseph Brady 
 
 Leaned back and stroked his chin 
 As he scrutinized a prisoner 
 
 Joe Downs had just brought in. 
 The prisoner was a foreigner 
 
 With five sections to his name. 
 Who understood no English, 
 
 About thirty years old and lame. 
 
 Judge Brady looked him over, 
 
 Then he asked of the police, 
 "What's the charge?" and Joe Downs answered, 
 
 "Disturbance of the peace. 
 He whipped his wife, your honor. 
 
 And half the neighborhood, 
 A year upon the rock pile. Judge, 
 
 I think would do him good." 
 
 Judge Brady rapped upon his desk. 
 
 Then straightened in his chair, 
 And as he spoke he madly threshed 
 
 His gavel through the air. 
 "I'm getting tired of having men 
 
 Tried in this court by a cop ; 
 Your duty ends at the arrest 
 
 And this foolishness must stop." 
 
 —184- 
 
Brady sent for an interpreter 
 
 And with a wicked frown 
 He turned upon the officer 
 
 As he bellowed out, "Sit down !" 
 Then in softer tones he said to Joe, 
 
 "Perhaps you never knew 
 The conditions in police courts. 
 
 So I'll just enlighten you." 
 
 "Take, for instance, Joe, this foreigner 
 
 You'd give three hundred days ; 
 He's a new man in this country 
 
 And a stranger to our ways. 
 'Twould be merciless to send him 
 
 To the rock pile or to jail ; 
 To prosecute means persecute. 
 
 And there is where we fail." 
 
 "Give this man an opportunity 
 
 And teach him right from wrong; 
 He'll make a law abiding citizen 
 
 And it won't take very long. 
 This man don't know he broke the law, 
 
 And at that he may be right. 
 There comes a time to all of us 
 
 When we're called upon to fight." 
 
 "I'm inclined to be more lenient 
 
 Where it's just a minor charge 
 And I'm satisfied I'll benefit 
 
 The universe at large. 
 I'll teach this man with kindness — 
 
 Now's a good time to begin — 
 I will demonstrate my theory 
 
 When the interpreter comes in." 
 
 The interpreter came into court 
 
 And the Judge said, "Listen here. 
 Tell the prisoner what I tell you to. 
 
 And put it to him clear. 
 Tell him we're not going to hurt him 
 
 And we're sorry he is lame. 
 But before extending sympathies 
 
 Ask the prisoner his name." 
 
 The interpreter mumbled something 
 
 An4 the prisoner understood. 
 He smiled and gestured meaningly 
 
 (As Judge Brady knew he would). 
 The interpreter stepped to the bench, 
 
 Whispering in the Judge's ear. 
 Suddenly Brady jumped up screaming, 
 
 "Take that 'Bohunk' out of here." 
 
 —185-^ 
 
*'He says his name is Brady, 
 
 Take him out of here, I say ; 
 Take him out before I kill him, 
 
 Take that lying dog away. 
 Why, the sacred name of Brady 
 
 Is a name that brings forth cheers. 
 I will now pass sentence on him. 
 
 To the rock pile — ninety years." 
 
 JIM HEREFORD'S AUTOMOBILE. 
 
 Jim Hereford had been thinking 
 
 For a long time of the past, 
 When he was young — and power was good. 
 
 And the track was always fast. 
 He said, *T'm running on two points. 
 
 Now that's no way to feel, 
 I think I'll take a little sprint 
 
 And buy an automobile." 
 
 He looked at all the cars in town 
 
 And finally made a choice. 
 Then sent a message to the barn 
 
 That made the bunch rejoice. 
 He promised all a joy ride 
 
 And would mark nobody "missed," 
 Henry Noble and Burt Morrison 
 
 Were first upon the list. 
 
 Then Charlie Pegg and Al McPhail, 
 
 Charlie Brown and "Hard Head" Green 
 Were marked up for a joy ride 
 
 In Jim's big new machine. 
 Jim had taken twenty lessons 
 
 And was up against the bit. 
 He told Charlie Brown he had a car 
 
 That would "git right up and git." 
 
 They "signed on" at Woods' drug store 
 
 And were about to wreck the place 
 When Ed Woods said he'd beat Jim's car 
 
 With HIS car in a race. 
 Jim finally pulled up in front ; 
 
 Henry Noble's face was grave 
 As he turned to Jim and questioned, 
 
 "How does the thing behave?" 
 
 They zig-zagged down past Walker 
 
 Like a cyclone on a tear, 
 As McPhail saw the Northwestern 
 
 He said, "My God, Jim, set your air." 
 On the Inter-City viaduct 
 
 Jim Hereford turned to John 
 And said, "The power's getting weak, 
 
 See if the trolley's on." 
 
 —186-^ 
 
Jim dug up his instruction book 
 
 As the big machine went dead 
 And went up by the headlight 
 
 To read and scratch his head. 
 Noble said, "Look at your brushes, 
 
 Or maybe it's her shoes ;" 
 Then "Hard Head" said, "I think, Jim, 
 
 That you blew a ribbon fuse." 
 
 Al McPhail looked for a "pick-up," 
 
 As he called to Charlie Brown, 
 "Give me a hand here, Charlie, 
 
 The main line wire's down.'' 
 They couldn't get her started. 
 
 Though they tried with all their might. 
 "Hard Head" wrapped up in a laprobe 
 
 And prepared to spend the night. 
 
 Jim said, "The dingle biddie 
 
 And the dingbat must be crossed." 
 Noble said, "It's your resistance. 
 
 That's where your power's lost." 
 The party got together 
 
 And had a quiet talk. 
 Then bidding Hereford good-bye, 
 
 They started out to walk. 
 
 Poor Jim got home at daybreak. 
 
 He was grease from head to feet, 
 He had to dodge the "copper" 
 
 Who was walking on that beat. 
 His wife asked where the car was 
 
 And Jim answered, "Just keep cool, 
 I'll have it run out o'er the pit 
 
 When I can hire a mule." 
 
 The next day an auto salesman 
 
 Caught Jim's car at Riverview 
 And said, "I have a swell machine 
 
 I'd like to show to you." 
 Jim nailed him with a switch bar 
 
 And, amid the passengers' yells. 
 He shoved the salesman to the street, 
 
 Reached up and gave two bells. 
 
 WHICH ONE THERE IS DAVE? 
 
 N. B. — Track construction crews are at times 
 composed of men of many different nationalities. 
 It is therefore difficult to designate each individual 
 by his proper name, consequently timekeepers and 
 checkers rechristen some of their charges. The fol- 
 lowing is a little insight of the trials outsiders have 
 in understanding who is who : 
 
 —187— 
 
There's a much perplexing question, 
 
 In the city o'er the line, 
 That is driving many men to drink, 
 
 And.wrecking many minds. 
 It does not refer to politics, 
 
 Nor the proposed Y. M. C. A., 
 Yet it's driving people crazy 
 
 In dear old K. C, K. 
 
 Along the "L" road right of v^ay 
 They are fixing up the track ; 
 
 There's a mighty gang of men at work- 
 Some are white and some are black, 
 
 Some are brown and some are yellow — 
 And they labor like a slave ; 
 
 But the question so insolvable 
 Is, "Which one there is Dave?" 
 
 There are men of all nationalities 
 
 Gathered in this mighty group ; 
 Some who live upon spaghetti 
 
 And some who live on soup. 
 Some who look almost like humans. 
 
 But this question makes all rave : 
 Which one in this aggregation 
 
 Is the little track boss Dave? 
 
 As I'm going home with Elum, 
 
 Riding in the vestibule. 
 When we coast along by Walker 
 
 I climb down from off the stool. 
 As we scan the many faces. 
 
 With our countenance so grave, 
 And we strive to solve the question, 
 
 Which one there is Little Dave? 
 
 WHERE WAS TOM. 
 
 On the twenty-third of August 
 
 All cares were thrown' aside. 
 When the public formed together 
 
 In a giant human tide 
 And wound its may to Chelsea 
 
 Where excitement was aflame 
 To see the awful struggle 
 
 At the County-City game. 
 
 Enough money to free Ireland 
 
 Was bet on this game alone; 
 Each good play brought forth cheering 
 
 And each error brought a groan. 
 While the game itself held interest 
 
 The subject with full sway 
 Was the all absorbing topic 
 
 Billed as "Extras for To-day." 
 
 -188- 
 
They had billed a finish footrace 
 
 And the announcer calmly said, 
 "The contestants agree to run 
 
 Until one of them falls dead." 
 They were clamoring for the runners 
 
 And above the awful din 
 Arose a cheer of welcome 
 
 When John T. Sims walked in. 
 
 The judge removed his Panama 
 
 And held aloft his hand, 
 While a reverential silence 
 
 Fell o'er the crowded stand. 
 He cleared his throat, then shouted, 
 
 "Let the teams go out and play ; 
 It is BALL we v/ant, NOT suicide — 
 
 There will BE no race today." 
 
 When "Pal" Richardson came through the gate 
 
 A ghostly silent calm 
 Settled o'er the mighty multitude 
 
 As "Pal" shouted, "Where is Tom?" 
 Tom Fleming 'phoned George Foerschler, 
 
 "Just hook me up with Tal' 
 And I'll run this county four-flush 
 
 To the Panama canal." 
 
 "Tom" and "Pal" were billed to wrestle 
 
 Just before they called the game. 
 "Pal" had asked for a continuance 
 
 On the grounds that he was lame. 
 Judge Lacy screamed, "That don't go, Tal !' 
 
 As a quitter you're a beaut." 
 Then "Pal'' introduced big "Frenchie," 
 
 Acting as his substitute. 
 
 "Pal" screamed out, "Bring on Tom Fleming, 
 
 Lead him in, I'll do the rest !" 
 As "Pal's " substitute paced the diamond 
 
 And beat upon his breast. 
 Henry Dean then told the audience, 
 
 "We will wait a little bit 
 And if Fleming fails to show up 
 
 It's a case of plain old quit." 
 
 Mayor Green yelled, "Call it off, men !" 
 
 And the great crowd heaved a sigh 
 As "Pal" bowed a weak submission 
 
 And threw away his "alibi." 
 "Pal" was carrying a yardstick 
 
 For fear "Frenchie'' might get lost ; 
 He had sworn he'd beat Tom Fleming 
 
 And would win at any cost. 
 
 —189— 
 
Then a cheer rose from the grandstand 
 
 That was heard for thirty blocks 
 As the Mayor, smiling blandly, 
 
 Started for the pitcher's box. 
 He wound up for the first one, 
 
 His muscle tense and drawn, 
 Then walked back to the bleachers — 
 
 The desperate fight was on. 
 
 At the end of seven innings 
 
 Judge Lacy read the score, 
 The game going to the county 
 
 By the score of six to four. 
 The hit of Tinney Lindsay 
 
 Made Ty Cobb's stick work look tame- 
 HIS hit and McDonald's ERRORS 
 
 Were the features of the game. 
 
 THE WEDDING OF "ARCH" CLARK. 
 
 The firemen at 8 house 
 
 Got a 'phone call Sunday night, 
 It came from Parsons, Kansas, 
 
 And the message threw some light 
 On what had been a mystery. 
 
 A fireman, "Arch" Clark, 
 Had been found a week before that 
 
 Wandering in the City Park. 
 
 He mumbled in his ravings, 
 
 As he crept about the place, 
 Hatless and unshaven. 
 
 With a wild look on his face. 
 A "cop" had found him wandering 
 
 About that part of town 
 And on complaint of neighbors 
 
 The "copper" "took him down." 
 
 "Arch" (better known as Ugly) 
 
 Had been worried for a week ; 
 At times he grew despondent 
 
 And for hours would not speak. 
 The firemen had seen the change 
 
 And were mystified at "Ug." 
 'Sausage' Cooper telephoned the chief 
 
 That "Arch" was going "bug." 
 
 "Ug" disappeared last Saturday 
 
 And the boys were feeling blue. 
 For though plain clothes men searched the town, 
 
 They couldn't find a clew 
 That would help to solve the mystery 
 
 And they gave up in despair. 
 The boys at 8 house bought black crepe 
 
 To hang on "Ugly's" chair. 
 
 —190- 
 
The sheriff down at Parsons 
 
 Found "Ug" Saturday at noon. 
 He was hanging 'round the depot, 
 
 As crazy as a loon. 
 When the train for Oklahoma 
 
 Whistled for the town, 
 **Ug" was raving like a Avild man 
 
 And knocking people down. 
 
 When the train pulled in the station 
 
 The sheriff deputized a man, 
 Saying, "We must take this fellow 
 
 Alive, pal, if we can. 
 Don't shoot until you have to ; 
 
 The, man is raving mad. 
 If we go right out and kill him, 
 
 Ten to one we'll get in bad." 
 
 "Ug" was hurdling the baggage trucks 
 
 As he dashed from car to car, 
 Then they heard him shout, "Oh, Darling, 
 
 Thank heaven, here you are !" 
 A timid little lady 
 
 Edged her way out through the crowd ; 
 "Ug" rushed to take her in his arms 
 
 As he moaned and sobbed aloud. 
 
 "You've come — I knew you'd be here. 
 
 Sweetheart, I'm overjoyed. 
 If we go to Kansas City 
 
 We are sure to be annoyed 
 By a rowdy bunch^of roughnecks. 
 
 Say ! listen, little dear, 
 I know just what that bunch will do. 
 
 So let's get married here." 
 
 She finally consented ; 
 
 "Ug" rushed in to her seat 
 To get her baggage ; then the two 
 
 Started up the street. 
 The sheriff told his deputy 
 
 As they disappeared from view, 
 "They're looking for a minister — 
 
 I've no more use for you." 
 
 When the bunch at 8's were told the news 
 
 Three cheers rung on the air. 
 Harry Powers 'phoned the dime store 
 
 For a piece of chinaware. 
 They made no presentation speech. 
 
 For "Ugly'' had a gun. 
 They just slipped up to "Ugly's" house, 
 
 Threw it on the porch and run. 
 
 -191- 
 
THE LOST HIGH ROLLER STRAW. 
 
 Pierpont Morgan out at 5 house 
 
 Wears a long and careworn face 
 And is telling of a robber 
 
 Who visited his place. 
 "Broad" went to lunch one day last week 
 
 And had just unlocked the door — 
 He looked inside and gasped for breath — 
 
 Things were strewn upon the floor. 
 
 He rushed back to the engine house 
 
 And the men all had to stare 
 When "Pierpont" whispered "Burglars" 
 
 As he sank down in a chair. 
 He was terribly excited 
 
 And he spoke in muffled tones, 
 While the men looked on in silence 
 
 As he said to Captain Jones : 
 
 "Call up the cops and tell 'em 
 
 That my house has just been robbed ; 
 They took a lot of clothes and things — 
 
 And say, 'Cap' ("Pierpont" sobbed), 
 When you're talking to headquarters 
 
 Don't forget to tell the law 
 That the most important thing they took 
 
 Was my big high roller straw." 
 
 "They took my *colt-six' — thirty-two 
 
 And two good suits of clothes — 
 Of course, I need these articles, 
 
 But goodness only knows 
 I can always buy more clothing 
 
 And I can always get a gun. 
 But there is not another hat 
 
 Like THAT beneath the sun.'' 
 
 Jones called police headquarters, 
 
 Then reported to his chief, 
 "Number 5 is out of service. 
 
 Send McCullough as relief." 
 The chief soon learned conditions 
 
 And 'phoned Jones, "Stay where you're at, 
 I'll notify all houses 
 
 To search for Morgan's hat." 
 
 About an hour later 
 
 Sayers 'phoned Jones, "I just saw 
 A thing that might be Morgan's hat 
 
 Floating down the Kaw." 
 The auto truck at No. 1, 
 
 With twelve men in the crew, 
 Rushed at 80 miles an hour 
 
 East on Armstrong avenue. 
 
 —192— 
 
They rushed down to the river, 
 Saw the object, then went back 
 
 And reported to McNarrey, 
 
 "It was just a three-room shack." 
 
 Chief McNarrey paced his office, 
 Now and then he'd scratch his head 
 
 And in all the engine houses 
 Not a soul had gone to bed. 
 
 The 'phone rang at 10:30 
 
 And a voice, screamed o'er the wire, 
 "Notify the whole department 
 
 The courthouse is on fire." 
 Bert Dill copied down the message 
 
 And the chief asked, "What was that? 
 Bert then told him and he answered, 
 
 "H , I thought they'd found the hat." 
 
 The cops came in exhausted. 
 
 The detectives were at sea, 
 "Cap" O'Donnell, too, admitted 
 
 "It's a case too deep for me." 
 "Gum Shoe" Mansell and "Walt" Gibson 
 
 Both predicted that the law 
 Would never solve the mystery 
 
 Of the lost high roller straw. 
 
 At 3 a. m. the 'phone rang ; 
 
 Dill awakened in his^^chair, 
 Took the message, then he shouted 
 
 As he started for the stair, 
 "They have found the straw high roller! 
 
 Chief McNarrey gave a whoop. 
 Morgan's neighbor said he'd used it 
 
 For a winter chicken coop. 
 
 WHEN CLAUDE BROWN CHANGED HIS MIND. 
 
 "Buzz" Lilley heard the clock strike 5, 
 
 He sleepily yawned, and then 
 Rammed his hands beneath his pillow 
 
 And went to sleep again. 
 A cool south wind was blowing 
 
 And the cool, refreshing air 
 Played idly across his forehead. 
 
 Wafting gently through his hair. 
 
 An hour later "Buzz" awakened 
 
 And with a muttered groan, 
 Still half asleep, he started 
 
 For the ringing telephone. 
 He took down the receiver 
 
 And awakened with a start 
 When he heard a voice say firmly, 
 
 "Hello, 'Buzz !' This is Art." 
 
 —193— 
 
"The store is locked — I have no key 
 
 And I can't locate Claude Brown. 
 There are customers here, waiting." 
 
 "Buzz" replied, "I'll be right down." 
 "Buzz" opened up, then telephoned 
 
 Chief Gordon of the case. 
 Gordon said, "Search for his body, 
 
 It may be about the place." 
 
 "Buzz" went down to the cellar. 
 
 Where he heard a timid voice 
 Coming from a darkened corner 
 
 That made his heart rejoice. 
 "Buzz" called out softly, anxiously. 
 
 And a smile replaced a frown 
 When he saw a form approaching 
 
 And he recognized — Claude Brown. 
 
 "Brownie" whispered, "Don't talk loud, 'Buzz*.' 
 
 And "Buzz" Lilley held his breath 
 As Brown said, "Say, I'm in hiding 
 
 And discovery means — death. 
 I had a date last night, Buzz,' 
 
 With a 'pippin' of a 'wren' 
 And I made an awful bobble. 
 
 One I'll never make again." 
 
 "I hands this Jane a jolly — 
 
 She was one more queen, all right — 
 And I framed it up to meet her 
 
 At eight o'clock last night. 
 Well, I put on my swell scenery 
 
 And floats up to Shawnee Park, 
 Feeling like a two-year-old 
 
 And whistling like a lark." 
 
 "Pretty soon I sees her coming, 
 
 X-ray skirt and picture hat, 
 But she has some rummy with her 
 
 And I says the hook — like that. 
 
 I steps out on the curbing. 
 
 Then I saw this other guy 
 Stop to mitt an old acquaintance — 
 
 Say, you'd ought to see his eye." 
 
 "Pale blue eyes that look plumb through you ; 
 
 His nose was kind-a flat. 
 He had shoulders like a truck horse, 
 
 High-heeled boots and big, white hat. 
 Well, the 'fairy' walks on by me 
 
 And she kind-a nods her head 
 As she mumbles sort-a low like, 
 
 'Nothin doin', kid— lay dead'." 
 
 —194— 
 
"I get's all swelled up and 'sassy' 
 
 And I says, 'Who is that ham?' 
 And she says, That's just my husband, 
 
 Known as Arizona Sam. 
 He's a gun man and a good 'un, 
 
 But you needn't to get skeart ; 
 Still, if he says to beat it, 
 
 You, had better step right peart'." 
 
 "Well, I kind-a thought things over 
 
 And decided I would blow. 
 So I beat it for the cellar, 
 
 For I seen I had no show. 
 I intended when I saw him 
 
 To jump in and beat him blind. 
 But when she mentioned *Gun Man' — 
 
 Well, I kind-a changedjmy mind." 
 
 THE MAIL CARRIER'S OUTING. 
 
 "Bud" Cole, a Kansas mail clerk. 
 
 Called 'Bob" Jackson to one side. 
 Saying, " 'Bob,' spring fever's got me ; 
 
 I want to fish and ride. 
 Why can't we have a picnic 
 
 Like other people do? 
 This thing of working all the time 
 
 Makes a man feel mighty blue." 
 
 "Bob" answered, "'Bud,' I'm with you; 
 
 I am tired of all this grind. 
 I'd like to know for one day 
 
 I could leave all care behind." 
 They called in Lucas Lilly 
 
 And told him of their wish. 
 Lucas shouted, "That sounds good to me. 
 
 Yea Bo— I love to fish." 
 
 The three arranged a picnic 
 
 To be held at Horse Shoe Lake. 
 "Bob" Jackson worked an hour 
 On a list of things to take — 
 Fishing tackle, bait and lunch, 
 
 Three pounds of Granger Twist — 
 Then "Bob" called Eugene Osborn 
 To help him with the list. 
 
 "Gene" suggested corn cob pipes, 
 
 A case of soda pop. 
 About three dozen lemons — 
 
 "Bob" yelled at "Gene," "say— stop. 
 If I put those things on the list. 
 
 They'll brand me as a fool. 
 You talk as though this list was for 
 
 A church or Sunday School." 
 
 —195— 
 
''There'll be no one but mail men." 
 
 "Gene" answered, "If you're sure, 
 Just change that case of soda pop 
 
 And substitute — 'snake cure.' 
 As long as there's no women 
 
 We will have the wine and song, 
 And tell the boys who care to swim 
 
 To take bathing suits along." 
 
 They engaged a five ton motor truck 
 
 And started on their way, 
 With Roy Schipp at the steering wheel 
 
 And everybody gay. 
 Al Horseman caught the first fish, 
 
 A. J. Hollister was sore, 
 And hunted up a shady spot 
 
 To sleep upon the shore. 
 
 Wm. Connor and Ed Menninger 
 
 Made a raid upon the lunch, 
 Leaving just one bunch of crackers 
 
 For the balance of the bunch 
 When the hungry bunch was told the news, 
 
 They were mad enough to fight, 
 And just to even matters up 
 
 They drank everything in sight. 
 
 "Ed" Fitzgibbon said, "I came to fish. 
 
 You fellows have no sense 
 You look like a bunch o' 'nixies' 
 
 After all of this expense 
 You sit around and argue. 
 
 I tell you it ain't right. 
 How do you expect to square things 
 
 When you get home tonight?" 
 
 Goff said, "By golly, 'Ed' is right; 
 
 I had not thought of that. 
 My wife's opposed to 'snake cure,' 
 
 And I'm living in a flat. 
 All the people in my neighborhood 
 
 Will know when I pull in. 
 And the wise old owls will nod and say, 
 
 'Pickled to the chin.' " 
 
 When the bunch returned that evening. 
 
 And settled for the ride, 
 "Bud" Cole said, "Boys, I'm sorry 
 
 That you're not all satisfied. 
 Some one else arrange the outings ; 
 
 It's an honor I decline." 
 As the men picked up their baskets 
 
 Each one mumbled, "Not for mine." 
 P. S. — Nixie is a term applied to misdirected mail. 
 
 rl96— 
 
THE BLOW-OUT ON PERRY JOHNSON'S 
 FARM. 
 
 Talk about your entertainers 
 
 And dead swell scouts well met 
 Perry Johnson on the "Argentine" 
 
 Is sure the one best bet. 
 He sent our invitations 
 
 Fixed up in classy rhyme 
 And street car men all over town 
 
 O. K'd for one good time. 
 
 There was music by an orchestra 
 
 Composed of street car men. 
 Who worked upon fast schedule 
 
 With a "safety" now and then, 
 "Boge" Jones from off the "L" road 
 
 Played the bag pipes like a Scot, 
 And the time he made in Kilties 
 
 Certainly was hot. 
 
 Hugh Kelly from the "West Side" 
 Fiddled like a man gone mad, 
 George Koeffler danced an Irish reel 
 Dressed as an Irish lad, 
 
 Perry Johnson shouted from the porch, 
 "Is there some one here can call?" 
 
 "I am here to do that stunt sir," 
 Promptly yelled out Ira Hall. 
 
 While Hugh Kelly tuned his fiddle, 
 
 Ira Hall climbed on a chair 
 With a smile upon his features 
 
 That would drive away dull care ; 
 The rooms filled up with dancers 
 
 And as Ira turned to cough 
 Steve Johnson from the "West Side" 
 
 Gave two bells and they were off 
 
 "Face to yer pardner," 
 
 "Back to the wall," 
 "Take a chaw o' terbaccer" 
 
 "And balance all." 
 "Birdie in the cage," 
 
 "Three hands around," 
 "Hold yer automatic" 
 
 "And get over the ground." 
 
 "Birdie hop out," 
 
 "Crow hop in," 
 "Join yer hands" 
 
 "And circle agin," 
 "Ladies to the center," 
 
 "Hold the right o' way," 
 "Balance to the corner," 
 
 "All chaw hay." 
 
 —197— 
 
Frank Stith from off the "Brooklyn" 
 
 Played some rag time on a harp 
 And Jake Razer from the Twelfth street 
 
 Told some jokes that sure were sharp ; 
 Then George Miller, from the "Jackson," 
 
 Took an overwhelming chance, 
 Imitating Mary Garden, 
 
 In her great "Salome" dance. 
 
 John Swanson from the "L" road 
 
 Got up ta sing a song. 
 But he switched back after starting, 
 
 The protests were too strong. 
 Then Bill Allen from the "Twelfth street" 
 
 (Better known as Old Kaintuck.) 
 Entertained the ladies 
 
 With a dash of mobile buck. 
 
 Ed Hawkins from the "West Side" 
 
 Got up to make a speech 
 That started with a whisper 
 
 And ended with a screech. 
 He screamed, "I'll tell you trippers," 
 
 "All about your lives of sin." 
 Then the gang took off his fender 
 
 And slowly pushed him in. 
 
 Charlie Arnold from the "Argentine" 
 
 Did some mystifying tricks, 
 And also gave a short discourse 
 
 On the raising of young chicks. 
 Dave Luke from over "L" road way, 
 
 With a look calm and serene. 
 Made a great impression, singing, 
 
 "The Wearin' Of The Green." 
 
 They ran without a schedule 
 
 When refreshments were brought in, 
 George Kennedy from the "L" road 
 
 Arose and wiped his chin, 
 "Lady friends, and what came with you," 
 
 "I propose a fitting toast," 
 "Here is health, wealth and prosperity," 
 
 "To the King of Kings, our host." 
 
 Traffic, next day, on the system 
 
 Was sure demoralized. 
 Most of the crews were half asleep, 
 
 The rest were paralyzed. 
 Those who didn't "miss" were listless 
 
 And ice water held a charm 
 For survivors of the blow out. 
 
 On Perry Johnson's farm. 
 
 498- 
 
TOM DRUMMEY'S SECRET. 
 
 Tom Drummey had been figuring. 
 
 At a most alarming rate, 
 The bunch grew worried as they saw 
 
 Tom's nervous, high strung state. 
 There were figures on the blackboard 
 
 And figures on the chairs, 
 Figures on Tom's counterpane, 
 
 Figures everywhere. 
 
 Tom held secret consultations 
 
 Every hour on the phone. 
 With the conversation carried on 
 
 In a muffled undertone. 
 His bull dog was neglected. 
 
 His chickens went unfed. 
 And Tom would toss and tumble 
 
 In his ravings while in bed. 
 
 "Storm" Blake and ''Buck" Buckhalter 
 
 Were elected by the bunch 
 To investigate the matter 
 
 When Tom returned from lunch, 
 "Buck" says to "Storm," "YOU ask him 
 
 Some how I don't feel game 
 But if it causes trouble 
 
 I will take my share o' blame." 
 
 "Storm" sauntered up as Tom sat down 
 
 And took one stealthy look 
 Over Tommy Drummey's shoulder 
 
 At a small, mysterious book, 
 He saw long rows of figures 
 
 In the book in Drummey's hand. 
 But the more he looked, the less he knew, 
 
 He could not understand. 
 
 "Jimmie" Wall and Walter Bemoll 
 
 Saw that "Storm" was losing heart 
 And beckoned him in silence 
 
 To go on and make a start, 
 "Storm" moved a little closer 
 
 And as Drummey looked around 
 It was evident to all concerned 
 
 That "Storm" was losing ground. 
 
 "Dutch" Bemoll then got busy, 
 
 Took a drink and cleared his throat, 
 Then blurted out, "Say Drummey, 
 
 You've certainly got our goat. 
 You have got the whole bunch guessing," 
 
 And we know you're not the kind 
 To keep us in hot water 
 
 Tell us — What is on your mind? 
 
 —199- 
 
Tom looked a while at Bemoll 
 
 And then threw back his head 
 As peals of hearty laughter 
 
 Shook the rafters over head. 
 Frank Reyonlds turned a summersault 
 
 As Drummey laughed with joy. 
 "Storm" started — swayed and tottered 
 
 To the arms of Frank McCoy: 
 
 When Tom regained composure 
 
 He said, ''Boys, I'm all right. 
 And I start upon my longest run 
 
 At eight o'clock tonight. 
 My heart has been on fire 
 
 And was clear beyond control 
 When I sent for the 'Extinguisher' 
 
 She's a Queen, boys — bless my soul." 
 
 "I'm to make the hitch tomorrow 
 
 And these figures that you see 
 Are what our groceries for a month 
 
 And our wedding trip will be. 
 We are going to St. Louis 
 
 For a week to see the town ; 
 We're going to have a swell time 
 
 Then come back and settle down." 
 
 "Wally" (In his brother's auto) 
 
 Took the bride and groom to lunch, 
 To a house next to a brewery 
 
 And Drummy had a hunch. 
 When he saw the well stocked brewery 
 
 He dropped anchor on the spot 
 And the boys at "Sixes" tell me 
 
 That's as far as Drummey got." 
 
 THE LOST PUNCH. 
 
 Captain Jones walked in to 5 house 
 
 To go to work the other day, 
 And was talking to Bob Bowman 
 
 Before the night crew went away. 
 He said, "Charlie Brown stopped in here 
 
 While on his way to lunch 
 And while here he said Buck' Kauffman 
 
 Of late had lost his punch. 
 
 Fred White asked many questions — 
 
 "Cap" started up the stair 
 Saying, "All I know's what Charlie said 
 
 I can't see why you should care." 
 "Well, I'll tell you why I care, 'Cap,' 
 
 If what you say is true 
 I'll lay for 'Buck' this morning. 
 
 And I'll break that guy in two." 
 
 —200- 
 
"Ever since he whipped that 'Wild Cat' 
 
 He's been hard to handle, 'Cap/ 
 And there's not a day passed since that 
 
 He don't hit some guy a rap. 
 That's good news you brought this morning- 
 
 So long — I'm on my way 
 And I'll have 'Buck' Kauffman eating 
 
 From my hand by noon today." 
 
 Captain Jones said, "Well, but listen." 
 
 Fred yelled in vicious tone, 
 That's all — I know my business 
 
 So you'd better mind your own, 
 You needn't try to tell me 
 
 What you think about this case ; 
 Remember, I'm a man, 'Cap,' 
 
 And I think I know my place." 
 
 "All right, Fred," the Captain answered, 
 
 "I'm not saying what to do 
 But you didn't get it all, Fred, 
 
 Remember I'm not through 
 Still, if you know your business 
 
 As well as all of that" 
 Fred said, "Well all the rest, 'Cap,' 
 
 You can keep beneath your hat." 
 
 Fred left the station with a smile 
 
 And went home to his wife ; 
 She had never seen his smile so broad 
 
 In all their married life. 
 He whistled as he changed his clothes, 
 
 Then started up the street 
 He didn't stay home long enough 
 
 To get a bite to eat. 
 
 That night the boys at 5 house 
 
 Got ready for the change — 
 Sammy Coe was looking worried 
 
 As he ventured, "This is strange. 
 We are one man short this evening 
 
 Has any one seen White? 
 He surely can't be sick, 'Cap,' 
 
 For he felt all right last night." 
 
 Eight days later Fred walked into 5*s 
 
 With a beefsteak on his eye ; 
 One ear was split and Fred bawled out, 
 
 "Say, Jones, you're just the guy 
 That came in here a week ago 
 
 Saying Kauffman lost his punch. 
 You said it 'Cap' — you know you did 
 
 I can prove it by the bunch." 
 
 —201— 
 
"I don't know what your game is 
 
 But ril tell you fellows — now, 
 Don't none o' you hunt Kauffman 
 
 Unless you're looking for a row." 
 Jones said, "I tried to tell you 
 
 But you wouldn't listen, Fred, 
 If you had there'd be no beefsteak 
 
 Or bandage on your head." 
 
 *'Don't try to lay the blame on me 
 
 You've not been double crossed 
 The thing he punches transfers with 
 
 Is the punch I meant he lost," 
 Fred sighed and stroked his battered chin 
 
 And as he turned to go 
 He said, "You're late with that talk, 'Cap,' 
 
 For believe me, men — I know." 
 
 IN THE SOUTH LAND. 
 
 To Mr. J. B. Hippie 
 And all my old staunch friends ; 
 I am down here where the echo 
 Of six shooters ever blends 
 With the bell upon the ambulance, 
 Where they plead unwritten law 
 Where they're shy on parlor etiquette, 
 But lightning on the draw. 
 
 I am down here in the South Land, 
 Where you've got to keep a grip 
 On the butt of your revolver 
 Where they shoot you from the hip. 
 Where — when a bay's old enough 
 To crawl upon the floor 
 The first play-thing they give it 
 Is a colt six — forty-four. 
 
 I am down here rubbing elbows 
 With such men as ''Texas Bud," 
 Who always keep their fountain pens 
 Filled up with human blood 
 I am flirting with a tomb stone, 
 And if I don't get back 
 Just remember if they shoot ME 
 They will hit me in the back. 
 
 Doubtfully yours, 
 
 THE JACK O' DIAMONDS. 
 
 — -2(M^— 
 
INDEX. 
 
 A Phoney Hunch 25 
 
 An Echo From the Sale 157 
 
 A Case for" the Water Board 155 
 
 Aaron's Visitor 153 
 
 Alfalfa Dutch 140 
 
 A Baseball Game in Rhyme 149 
 
 A Wail From Pat Hurley 139 
 
 A Letter to Henry Glass 165 
 
 A Night in the Woods 168 
 
 Big August's Summer Trip 144 
 
 Bummy Edmunds and the Thief 99 
 
 But Little Jack Was Gone 98 
 
 Blink Simpkins' Weddin' 141 
 
 Bill Kane's Athletic Meet 4 
 
 Bill Smith's Anniversary 47 
 
 Bob Bowman's Diamond Pin 59 
 
 Buckshot Ben 173 
 
 Cyclone Joe 81 
 
 Central Avenue Time 158 
 
 Cal Fairchild's Auto Ride 119 
 
 De Champion Shifter ; 144 
 
 De Gab Special 118 
 
 Don't Call Frank Buehler Kiddo 143 
 
 Diplomat Gibson 32 
 
 Dave Gosney's Shopping Trip 28 
 
 Dancing Noble 26 
 
 Duffy's Substitute 15 
 
 De Matinee Special 128 
 
 Easy Money 36 
 
 Educated Coe 68 
 
 Fire Boys on the Diamond 12 
 
 Frank Buehler's Suit of Clothes 112 
 
 Fashion Plate Conroy 161 
 
 Frank Stack's Invention 133 
 
 Gettin' Tru de Sout' 151 
 
 Hen Murray's Little Chap 10 
 
 How Fuzzy Got His Job 170 
 
 He Wasn't Steamin' Right 3 
 
 Hugh Kelly's Farewell Banquet 8 
 
 Human Derrick Olson 79 
 
 His Record 45 
 
 Haug Was Justified 137 
 
 He Made Her Say Enough 163 
 
 It Sure Looked Good to Him 181 
 
 It Was No Secret 122 
 
 I Get's 'Em, Kid— Dat's Me 18 
 
 It Was Time to Go 89 
 
 If You Call, You Call Alone 175 
 
 In the South Land 202 
 
 Jim Hereford's Automobile 186 
 
 Lorenzo D. Hutchinson 7 
 
 Lorenzo's Back Again 52 
 
 Mike Gorman's Story 132 
 
 No More 124 
 
 Not for Them 23 
 
 Narrow Escapes 31 
 
 Nitroglycerine 17 
 
 Nobody Home 20 
 
 One Round Ducky 94 
 
 On Board the Pilot of the 39 176 
 
 Pick-Up Lowe's Revenge 135 
 
 Pick-Up's Disappointment 147 
 
 Pat Hurley's Dream 101 
 
Pick-up Lowe's Retreat 13 
 
 Runnin' Wild 146 
 
 Sprinting Pickie Bell 105 
 
 Street Car Joe 91 
 
 Sleuth McCullough 66 
 
 Switchin' on de Brain 115 
 
 Santa Was Good to the Firemen 34 
 
 Singing Bill 179 
 
 The Bloodless Battle 88 
 
 Tubby's Trial Spin 84 
 
 The Idea That Didn't Pay 29 
 
 The Shattered Dream 86 
 
 The Champion Rifle Shot 83 
 
 The Fatal Mistake 131 
 
 The Wimmin Folks Was Right 76 
 
 The Reward That Never Came 130 
 
 Toad Stool Bob's Last Talk 78 
 
 The Smacker Convention 107 
 
 The Endless Argument 103 
 
 The Famous Kansas Twins 125 
 
 The Watson Brand of Bull 167 
 
 The Firemen's Annual Ball 42 
 
 The Crap Shooting Kid 54 
 
 The "L" Road Hiking Club 64 
 
 That Indiana Car 71 
 
 The Record Run 73 
 
 The Twelve Hour Clearance Sale 69 
 
 The Globe Trotter 74 
 
 Tommy Drummey's Secret 199 
 
 The Blow-Out on Perry Johnson's Farm 197 
 
 The Sleeping Contest Ill 
 
 The Lost Opportunity 49 
 
 The Bookmakers 55 
 
 The Hold-Up 127 
 
 The Prize Winner 93 
 
 The Indignation Meeting 21 
 
 The Miller-Koefler Bout 57 
 
 The Recruit 96 
 
 The "L" Road Twins 51 
 
 Tim Morrisey's Jubilee 60 
 
 The Spooks 46 
 
 That Durned Old Houn' Dawg Song 44 
 
 The Wedding of Arch Clark 190 
 
 The Lost High Roller Straw 192 
 
 The Mail Carriers' Outing 185 
 
 The Figure Eight 121 
 
 The False Report 109 
 
 The Daddy of Them All 116 
 
 The Golden Wedding 116 
 
 The Lost Punch 200 
 
 What's the Use? 62 
 
 What's in a Name ? 184 
 
 When Claude Brown Changed His Mind 193 
 
 Where Was Tom? 188 
 
 When Buck Kauffman Tamed the Cat 38 
 
 When Sam Mc Jimsey Made Good 171 
 
 Which One There Is Dave ? 187 
 
 When Spit Ball Holder Saved the Day 40 
 
 When I Go Back to Flag 161 
 
 Waitin' fur th' Mail 114 
 
 What's in a Kiss? 106 
 


 
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