DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. Price ISc each. Postpaid, Unless Dlffarent Price is Given DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 15 1 9 4 4 10 Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, 2Vi hrs (2Sc) 8 8 Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 2 lu-s (25c) After the Game, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs (25c) All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) All for the Cause, 1 act, \Va hrs (25c) All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 10 And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 21^ hrs (35c) 6 6 Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, Zy^ - hrs (2Sc) 7 5 As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, ZVz hrs (25c) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 14 Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, IJi hrs. (2Sc) 17 Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 134 hrs (25c) 16 2 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2% •hrs (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^ h. (25c) 7 4 Call of the Colors, 2 acts, X^ hrs (25c) 4 10 Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, IH hrs (2Sc) 10 Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 8 10 Civil Service, 3 acts, 21/4' hrs. (25c) College Town, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 214 hrs (25c) Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 214 hrs. (25c) Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. ■(2Sc) Down in Dixie, 4 acts, -^'2 hrs _^,..(25c) Dream That Came True, 3 acts, 2Vi hrs (2Sc) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr. . . . (25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, l-H h. (35c).Optnl. Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1^ h. (25c1.,7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 Fifty-Fifty, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 8 Fun on the Podunk Limited, 1% hrs (25c) 9 14 6 5 6 4 8 4 M. F. Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 3 S High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 24 hrs (25c) 6 4 Jayville Junction, 1% hrs.(25c) 14 17 Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 10 9 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 214 hrs.. (25c) 6 12 Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 hrs (23c) 5 10 Laughing Cure, 2' acts, 1J4 hrs. (25c) 4 5 Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 5 4 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) 3 4. Mirandy's Minstrels. ... (25c) Optnl. Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit, 3 acts, 24 hrs. (25c) 7 7 Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, ' 3 acts, 214 hrs (2Sc) 4 7 Old Fashioned Mother, 3 acts, 24, hrs. ; : (25c) 6 6 Old Maid's Club, Xy-i hrs.(2Sc) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 14 hrs (25c) 12 9 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/^ hrs .(25c) 10 4 Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^ h. (2Sc) 7 4 Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 24 hrs (25c) 10 12 Safety First, 3 acts, 254 hrs (25c) 5 5 Savageland, 2 acts, 2J^ hrs. (50c) 5 5 School Ma'am, 4 acts, lj4 hrs. 6 5 Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 7 Spark of Life, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2 14 hrs (25c) 10 10 Star Bright, 3 acts, 2,4 h. (25c) 6 5 Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 scenes, 35 min 7 3 Tliose Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2J^ hrs (25c) 9 16 Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 24 "hrs (25c) 7 4 T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers,154W.Randolph St.. Chicago Please Pass the Cream A COMEDY CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES AUTHOR OF 'Their First Quarrel" and "Smith's Unlucky Day. CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers PLEASE PASS THE CREAM Mr. John Clark A ''Self -Made'' Man Mrs. John Clark A Former Schoolma'am Place — Anywhere. Time — Breakfast. Time of Playing — Twenty Minutes. COSTUMES. Mr. Clark — Breakfast Attire. Mrs. Clark — Morning Gown. PROPERTIES. All listed in description of stage setting. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of the stage ; C, center ; R. C, right center; L., left; I E., first entrance; U . E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 2 SEP -7 1918 ©CI.D 50298 PLEASE PASS THE CREAM Scene: Dining-room of the Clarks, cosily furnished in dark; dining-table in center, two chairs at opposite ends, table set with plates, knives, forks, spoons, glasses, coffee pot and cups at right end, zvith sugar and a cream-pitcher ; plate, knife, fork, spoons, glass at left end; also a carafe of zvater; butter, salt and pepper boxes, napkins, etc. A sideboard with silver. Rug under table. Modern hanging lamp over it. Doors at right and left. Window at back beside sideboard. Telephone on small table in left corner. Mr. Clark^ about 40 years of age, stout and easy going, seated in chair at left end of table. Mrs. Clark, about 35 years old, rather slim and nervotts, at the right end. As the curtain rises both are eating some meat and potatoes, a clock in hall behind door at right striking the hour of eight. Mrs. Clark {raising her napkin to her mouth). I wish you wouldn't say "it don't," John. That isn't grammatical ! Mr. Clark {raising a piece of potato on his knife to- his mouth). It ain't— why isn't it? Mrs. C. {dropping her napkin to the floor, in a voice of utter horror). Oh, John, John! How many, many times have I besought you not to use that terrible, terrible word "ain't"? Mr. C. {very cheerfidly, raising another piece of potato on his knife). I dunno, Martha. I never was much good at mental arithmetic. Mrs. C. {picking up her napkin, mournfully). John, don't you remember that you promised me when we were engaged never more to utter that abominable word. Mr. C. {cutting aivkzvardly at his meat). I ain't quite sure that I made such a promise, Martha. Mrs. C. {sharply). John Clark, you certainly did make such a promise — not once but several times ! Mr. C. {starting to raise a piece of meat to his mouth, letting it fall) . But, Martha, that was only an engagement 3 4 PLEASE PASS THE CREAM promise, and engagement promises ain't no wise binding, so to speak, after the wedding march is ended. Mrs. C. {angrily, again dropping her napkin). Mr. Clark, if you utter that word again I shall withdraw from the table ! Mr. C. (still cutting azvay awkzvardly at the meat). All right, Martha. I won't use that word no more. Mrs. C. (picking up her napkin, sharply). John Clark, what you have just said is also ungrammatical. It is very incorrect for you to say "I won't use that word no more." Mr. C. (raising another piece of potato on his knife). But, my dear, I don't see zvhy it is incorrect for me to say that I won't use the word "ain't" again. Nozv you're blaming me for riot using it. Mrs. C, (a little confused). You know very well what I mean! (Suddenly and more sharply.) John, how many times have I requested you not to eat with your knife? Mr. C. (letting his knife fall out of his hand to the floor). But what is a knife for if it isn't to eat with? Mrs. C. (in tone of utter disgust). Oh, won't you ever speak correct English. Why couldn't you have said, "What is the purpose of a table-knife if it is not to use in eating?" Mr. C. (very cordially, reaching down to pick up the fallen knife). You are exactly right, my dear. I agree wholly with you — the purpose of a table-knife is to be used in eating. Mrs. C. (very sharply). But a table-knife is not a freight elevator, John Clark ! Mr. C. (starting to raise more potato on his knife). No, Martha, a fork is the proper instrument with which to convey a piece of meat from one's plate to one's mouth. Mrs. C. (rising hastily, speaking quickly). John, stop that ! Never use a knife, even at home, that has fallen to the floor! (Goes to the sideboard, opens a drazver, takes out a table-knife and exchanges this knife for the one just dropped by Mr. C.) There! (Resuming her seat.) Don't you dare to misuse this knife as you misused the other one, John Clark! PLEASE PASS THE CREAAI S Mr. C. (rather humbly). No, ma'am! Still, it's ever so much easier to eat with my knife than with my fork. Mrs. C. (decidedly, beginning to eat again). No, it isn't! Besides, it's very vulgar^ — and dangerous, too. Mr. C. (now using his fork). Yet I've read somewhere — I know I have — that George Washington ate with his knife in the same way that I did. Mrs. C. (quickly). Oh, well, forks were not invented then. Mr. C. (drinking from his glass of water). They never should have been invented. Fingers are ever so much better than forks. Mrs. C. (rising from her seat to go again to the side- board). I expected you to say that fingers were invented before forks. How did it happen that you forgot to make that remark — again? Mr. C. (using his napkin very clumsily). Really I can't see why an honest hungry man should be ashamed of eating with his knife. Mrs. C. (returning to her seat with the sugar tongs). Well, it's not the correct thing socially. Mrs. James's hus- band never eats with his knife. (Quickly.) John, that isn't a wash towel ; it's a napkin. Mr. C. (dropping the napkin to the floor). I wish that Mrs. James's husband would pay that $100 he has owed me for a year. Mrs. C. (beginning to pour out the coffee). You should feel proud that a gentleman of such high social position as Mr. James owes you a hundred dollars. Mr. C. (picking up the napkin). Well, when a dozen other gentlemen of high social position have each owed me a hundred dollars for more than a year I don't feel so proud of Mr. James's owing me a hundred plunks. Mrs. C. (beginning to put in some sugar with the tongs into the cup of coffee). Not a hundred /^/mh^.?, dear. You mean a hundred dollars. Mr. C. (a little crossly). I mean just what I say — a hun- dred plunks! Perhaps if he ate with his knife and said 6 PLEASE PASS THE CREAM "ain't" the way I do he would never have borrowed them hundred plunks. Mrs. C. (in utter horror). "Them hundred plunks!" Oh, John ! Mr. C. {angrily). Ye-es,- them hundred "bucks"! {More angrily.) Now, see here, Martha Smith, I am a z^^-ry patient man. My father was a patient man and my mother was the most patientest woman you ever did see ; but they have had their limits, and so have I. {Bringing his hand dozvn firmly upon the table.) And when I get real riled I ain't nearly as agreeable as aforetimes. {Pauses for a moment as though to emphasise his remarks.) As I said, I am a ve-ry patient man, but I have my limit. Now, Martha Smith, you have been a-pestering me all breakfast time, and a-correcting me on my expressions of speech. Also, you have been fault-finding with my table manners, and I have got ?7£'-ry tired of it. Now, I want you to under- stand, Martha Smith, right here, that I won't tolerate an- other word from you {he rises and then bangs his fist hard upon the table), and I'll say "it ain't," "it hain't," "it don't" as often as I darn please ! And I'll eat with my knife or my fingers as often as I darn please ! {Raising his voice still more.) Do you understand that, Martha Smith? {He glares angrily at her.) Mrs. C. {very coolly and very deliberately). Mr. Clark, you are so amusing when you get "real* riled." If you could only see yourself {mimics him) "when you ain't nearly as agreeable as aforetimes." Now, I never get angry myself, never. And at any rate not after seeing you in a tantrum. It's too disgusting. You are not a handsome man, even when you are agreeable, Mr. Clark ; but when you are really "riled," my! you're homely, as homely as — well, words fail me! {She laughs somewhat irritatingly.) Mr. C. {ivalking furiously up and dozvn the left side of the room, savagely). If you only was a man for a minute! Mrs. C. {more coolly and deliberately). I wish I were for only half a minute. PLEASE PASS THE CREAM 7 Mr. C. {zvalking more furiously, speaking more sav- agely). It is no wonder your first husband died! Mrs. C. {rising quickly from her 'chair). What do you mean, Mr. Clark? {Then she reseats herself just as quickly.) No, I never get angry myself, never, and I'm not going to become angry this time. {She rises again and carries the cup of coffee she has poured oiit, placing it at his end of the table.) You see how calm I am, Mr. Clark — how very calm. {She returns to her seat with a martyr-like smile.) If I were you I should drink that coffee before it gets cool. Mr. C. {pausing in his zvalking angrily). I don't want any coffee! {More angrily.) Martha Smith, I asked you if yon understood? Mrs. C. {with great dignity). Mr. Clark, please remem- ber that I am Mrs. Clark. Mr. C. {in a lower tone). Guess I'll never forget that! Mrs. C. {beginning to pour out some coffee for herself). Don't you think you had better drink your coffee? It must be getting cool. Mr. C. {zvith a flash of anger). Oh, darn the coffee! Mrs. C. {putting in tzvo lumps of sugar). Just as you please, Mr. Clark, just as you please. Mr. C. {sitting dozvn sulkily in his scat). Martha Smith, this nagging of yours is getting on my nerves. Mrs. C. {pouring from the cream-pitcher into her coffee). I remarked a short while ago that I am Mrs. Clark! Mr. C. {settling dozvn into his chair). Well, because you are Mrs. Clark doesn't give you any right to nag me. Mrs. C. {stirring her coffee). I am not nagging you. I have never nagged anybody in my life, but when you said "them hundred plunks" — oh, horrors! Mr. C. {beginning to finger his coffee spoon). But what should I have said? Mrs. C. {still stirring her coffee). What should you have said? Why — why — "those hundred dollars," of course. Mr. C. {in a grumbling tone). It's too blamed bad that a man can't speak as he wants to in his own home. Mrs. C. {sipping her coffee). You may, John, providing .8 PLEASE PASS THE CREAM that you follow the rules of grammatical English, as are observed by our best society. Mr. C. (less sulkily, still fingering his coffee spoon). What do you mean by our best society, Martha? Mrs. C. (a little perplexed). Our best society? Oh — yes — er — why, our best society means those that are in the best society — those who are the recognized leaders of society — the men and women who are socially "it." Mr. C. (quickly). Martha! "Socially it"? I am sur- prised to hear such an expression fall from your lips. "So- cially it"! Why, zvhat a vulgar phrase. You should have said, "Our best society consists of those men and women who are the leaders of elite society!" Mrs. C. (with much dignity). Your coffee mtist be cold by this time, John. Let me give you another cup? Mr. C. (rather gleefully). No, Martha, this coffee is all right; but haven't you forgotten something? Mrs. C. (still ivith dignity). What is it I have forgotten? Mr. C. (cheerfully) . The milk, Martha, the milk. Please pass the milk. Mrs. C. (reprovingly). Of course you mean the cream, John. (Passing the pitcher.) Mr. C. (receiving the pitcher). No, I mean the milk. Mrs. C. (rather sharply). But, my dear, it isn't milk; it's cream. Mr. C. (obstinately) . It is not! It's milk. (Spelling it.) M-i-l-k, milk ! Mrs. C. (stirring her coffee). It is not milk, John. Milk is what the cows give — this is cream! Mr. C. (with a grin, still holding the pitcher). I never knew before that cream does not come from milk. Very remarkable ! Mrs. C. (a little confused). Now don't try to misunder- stand me. Of course milk comes from cream, and that pitcher contains cream, not milk. Mr. C. (zvith another grin). Martha, I never knew before that milk comes from cream. Mrs. C. (with dignity). That was a slip of my tongue. PLEASE PASS THE CREAM 9 Mr. C. {gleefully). Yes, just as when you say that this pitcher contains cream. Mrs. C. {sharply). It does contain cream, and not milk! Mr. C. {pouring some of it from the pitcher into a glass). Now, see there. Do you call that cream? Cream! It's more like skim milk. Mrs. C. {wearily). Can't you comprehend, John? ^o- cially it is cream. You never ask for milk in your coffee but always for cream. ■ Mr. C. {impatiently). I don't care one continental what it is socially. Practically it is milk. {Drinking from the glass into which he has poured from the pitcher.) Yes, that's milk all right. {Pushing the pitcher towards Mrs. C.) Taste it yourself Martha. See if it isn't milk. Mrs. C. {nervously sipping her coffee). That isn't the point at all. Of course when it's in a drinking glass it may be milk, but when it's in a cream-pitcher it is ahvays cream. Mr. C. {still more impatiently). But pouring it into a drinking glass doesn't change its real nature. If it's milk, it's milk, and if it's cream, it's cream! Mrs. C. {again sipping her coffee). Yes, it is just the same in the pitcher as it is in the glass, only we call it, politely, cream when it is in the pitcher and milk when in the glass. Mr. C. {crossly). Well, what has politeness to do with it, anyway? If it's milk in the glass it will be milk when it's in the pitcher. Mrs. C. {sipping her coffee zvith a half smile). Don't you see, John, that it's cream when it's in the cream-pitcher ? Mr. C. {still more crossly). I suppose that if that pitcher contained only water it could be called cream ! Mrs. C. {putting dozvn her spoon and drinking her coffee). You are aiv-inWy stupid — when you want to be, my dear. Mr. C. {rising quickly and going over to the telephone). You needn't take my word for it. We'll have some one else's opinion. {Takes dozvn the receiver.) Hello! Give me Main 203. {Turns to Mrs. C.) I'm going to talk with Joe 10 PLEASE PASS THE CREAM Williams. He's head of the Wholesale Milk Company. (Speaking into 'phone.) Hello! Is this Joe? I'm John Clark. You see, Joe, my «wife and I have had a sHght dis- pute. She declares up and down that the milk we are using on our breakfast table is cream, and not milk at all. I say that it's milk — no matter whether it's in a cream- pitcher or not. She says that as long as it's in a cream- pitcher it's cream and not milk. Now, Joe, am I right? It's milk, because I have drunk some of it and I remember that Mrs. Clark told me this morning the milkman had forgotten to leave the cream. (Pauses a moment.) What's that? You think I am right, but you are going to ask your wife and will call me up soon? Thank you, Joe. (He replaces the receiver and returns to his chair.) Mrs. C. (with a sweet smile). I am sorry, John, that you have had to call for assistance, but Mrs. Williams will, I am sure, wholly agree with me. Mr. C. (sourly). Well, I was ibrought up on a farm and I ought to know the difference between milk and cream. Mrs. C. (with a very sweet smile). I guess you were brought up on a farm all right. Mr. C. (angrily). So were you! I found it out only a short time ago. (Laughing softly.) Ha! ha! ha! Mrs. C. (mimicking him). Ha! ha! ha! ha! Now, I'm not going to lose my temper, whatever you may say. I never get angry myself — no, never! (The telephone rings.) Mr. C. (hastening to the telephone). Nozv we shall see! (Takes dozvn the receiver.) Hello! Hello, Joe. Oh, good morning, Mrs. Williams. How do you do? Yes, thank you, both my wife and I are pretty well. What did you say? (Listens while sJie is speaking.) Is that so? It is? I under- stand. What did you say? Oh, of course socially — yes — yes ! No, our dispute is not serious ; only a difference of opinion. As I told your husband a very slight difference. Thank you for your trouble, Mrs. Williams. Will you please ask Mr. Williams to come to the telephone a moment? PLEASE PASS THE CREAM 11 O ! He has gone for the day ? Thank you — good-hyc. {Impatiently hangs up the receiver.) Mrs. C. {laughing heartily). Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! What did I tell you, John? Didn't Mrs. Wilhams agree ivholly with me? Mr. C. {reseating himself). Yes, of course she did. I expected that, but Joe, I'm sure, believes that I am right. You see he didn't dare to tell me his real opinion when his wife was there. Probably he will visit us a little later and convince you that you are wrong. But he didn't have the courage to say so in the presence of his wife. Isn't it too bad, Martha, that Joe hasn't some of my independence? Mrs. C. {a little angrily). I hope that Mr. Williams is not as stupid as you are — sometimes. {More angrily.) John, how very obstinate you are ! You know well enough that / have the right of it, and yet you won't admit it. Mr. C. {sloivly stirring his coffee). After all, Martha, I think I'll have some coffee. Will you please pass me the milk? Mrs. C. {zvitJi considerable temper). John Clark, I never get angry myself, never, but certainly you do try my patience — sorely. Now, I don't want you to call that cream milk — again! Not again! {She rises from her chair.) Mr. C. {still stirring his coffee). Martha, will you please pass me the — milk? Mrs. C. {angrily stamping her foot). John Clark, how dare you ! Mr. C. {calmly). Martha, will you please pass me the milk ! Mrs. C. {in a furious temper, stamping her foot and then pounding upon the table). It ain't milk — it ain't! Mr. C. {zvitli mock seriousness). Martha! It ain't! That is not grammatical. Oh, that terrible, terrible word — ain't ! Mrs. C. {very furiously). I never said ain't — never — never — never! Mr. C. {very mournfully). You did, Martha — you did. I heard you. You said, "It ain't no milk!" 12 PLEASE PASS THE CREAM Mrs. C. {imldly seising the cream-pitcher and suddenly dashing it and its contents to the floor, vn view of the audi- ence). There — darn it! Mr. C. {rising quickly). Hold on! That is Grandmother Smith's old cream-pitcher ! Mrs. C. {in despair). Oh, zvhat have I done! {She stands for a moment, looking silently at the ruins of the prized cream-pitcher, and then sinks into her chair, pulling out her handkerchief and zveeping hysterically.) Mr. C. {standing as though dazed, gazing upon the shat- tered pitcher.) Gee zvhiz! {Taking a step fortvard tozvards Mrs. C., speaking kindly, placing his right hand gently upon her shaking shoulders.) Well, Martha, don't feel so badly about it — it ain't any use to "cry over spilt milk !" Mrs. S. {suddenly rising from her chair, glaring at Mr. C.). It isn't spilt milk — it's spilt cream! Curtain. DENBSON'S ACTING PLAYS Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2',4 hrs. (35c) 6 13 Trip to Storyland, 1 li hrs. (25c) 17 -J Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2>;t hrs. (25c) S 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 lirs (25c) 7 10 Under the Laurels,, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 V.'inning Widow, 2 acts, V/2 hrs. (25c) 2 4 Women Who Did, 1 hr...(25c) 17 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 FARCES, COIVIEDIETAS, Etc. All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. April Fools, 30 min Assessor, The, 10 min .". \unt Harriet's- Night Out, 35 min Baby Show at Pincville, 20 min. Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... Billy's Mishap, 20 min Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. Borrowing Trouble, 20 min. . . .