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 The Penn Publishing Company 
 
 226 S. nth Street, Philadelphia 
 
A Surprise Party 
 at Brinkley's 
 
 An Entertainment in One Act 
 
 BY 
 
 WARD MACAULEY 
 
 Author of "EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL 
 
 SCHOOL," "BACK TO THE COUNTRY STORE," 
 
 "OLD HOME DAY AT PLUNKET," etc. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 1912 
 
^ 
 
 
 Copyright 1912 by The Penn Publishing Company 
 
 ©CI.D 30750 
 
A Surprise Party at Brinkley's 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Toe Armstrong } yi • * - t 
 
 i^ , , V Ancient rivals. 
 
 Tom Mussell J 
 
 Mary Brinkley The cause of the rivalry. 
 
 '* Pa " Brinkley An incurable optimist . 
 
 Sarah Brinkley His helpmate. 
 
 Sam Swayne ) -r i * *i * u * 
 
 T T \ . . , livo hearts that beat as one. 
 
 Jennie Lovett j 
 
 Allen Fenby .... Who has made good in the city. 
 
 Joel Ketchall . . Aid-de-camp to Grocer Hornbucket. 
 
 Elmer Blossom 
 
 Beatrice Jones 
 
 Dolly Lafferty 
 
 Molly Balling 
 
 Sally Long 
 
 Visitors at the surprise party. 
 
 Time of Playing : — One hour. 
 
 STORY OF THE ENTERTAINMENT 
 
 Mary Brinkley has graduated from college, and after a 
 {q\\ weeks at home is going away for a visit. The villagers 
 have planned a surprise party for her birthday. Among the 
 guests are Tom Mussell and Joe Armstrong, rivals for Mary's 
 regard, who have fought numerous battles to determine which 
 is the best man; and another is Allen Fenby, who has been 
 away to the city and who has made good. He has long loved 
 Mary. Mary's college life has made Tom and Joe distaste- 
 ful to her, but they do not realize this. The guests enjoy 
 themselves at games, jokes, etc., and much amusement is 
 
4 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 furnished by the engaged couple, who constantly try to find 
 a convenient sequestered nook. Allen succeeds in taking 
 Mary aside and telling her that he has been offered a fine 
 position in a far-away city, contingent u-pon his immediate 
 acceptance. 
 
 '< We can be married next week." *' Next week ! Young 
 man, do you realize the importance of a woman's trousseau ? " 
 '' Would you be willing if I gave you six months ? " ** Yes, 
 I suppose I should." " Then we won'.t let a trousseau stand 
 in the way." 
 
 Pa Brinkley, an incurable optimist, and his sharp-spoken 
 but kind-hearted wife, are won over. Tom and Joe decide 
 to fight for the right to speak to Mary first, only to learn, as 
 Tom expresses it, that "there has been a surprise party at 
 Brinkley 's." 
 
 DIRECTIONS 
 
 "A Surprise Party at Brinkley 's " is extremely easy to pre- 
 sent. The essential thing is to choose people well suited to 
 the various characters, and to put plenty of vim into the 
 business, the entertainment features, etc. Additional enter- 
 tainment features may easily be included. 
 
 *'Pa" Brinkley should be played by a large man with a 
 very kindly, jovial face. He should practice gentleness of 
 voice and manner. If well handled, his part may be very 
 effective. Joe and Tom should be muscular fellows of about 
 the same build. Both should be uncouth in manner and 
 somewhat overdressed in appearance. Mary must be played 
 by a pretty, attractive girl of twenty-two or three. Allen is 
 a neat, businesslike young city man. Sam and Jennie are 
 foolishly romantic. Joel is a grocer's boy who thinks he has 
 a wise head. 
 
 The characters — except Allen — should all appear in coun- 
 try best. Molly must be a good singer, Sally a pianist. 
 
 The more attention paid to effective setting, to convey the 
 idea of a village sitting-room, the better for the performance. 
 
 Faithful following of the above suggestions, together with 
 careful study of each character's peculiarities, will ensure a 
 satisfying production. 
 
PROPERTIES 
 
 For Mary, suit-case, and clothing and books to pack in 
 it; post-card. For Pa Brinkley, an old purse, two hats, 
 plate of ice-cream and spoon. For Mrs. Brinkley, a news- 
 paper twisted into a "fool's cap." For Elmer, card and 
 handkerchief. For Allen, letter. For all guests, packages 
 and baskets, and for all characters, pencils, slips of paper, 
 handkerchiefs. 
 
 SCENE PLOT 
 
 BACKtNa 
 
 
 fSor/i 
 
 Scene. — Room at Brinkley's. Entrances r., l. and C. 
 Piano down r. Table and sofa down l. Furnishings in ac- 
 cordance with a country sitting-room. 
 
A Surprise Party at Brinkley's 
 
 SCENE. — The sitting-room at Brinkley's. The curtain 
 discovers Mary Brinkley, <z., placing articles in a suit- 
 case and humming quietly to herself. 
 
 {Enter Pa Brinkley, c.) 
 
 Pa B. Well, daughter, you don't much more'n get here 
 than off you trot, do you ? 
 
 Mary {looking up from her packing^. Why, father, you 
 know I've been here three whole weeks, and 
 
 Pa B, *' Father " ? Y' always used to call me pa, same 
 as everybody else that's known me more'n a couple o' 
 weeks. 
 
 Mary {continuing packing). Pa, then. You know I'm 
 going to have a lot of fun with Cousin Anna, and it's only a 
 few days. 
 
 Pa B. I suppose I had ought to be thankful we've had 
 you here at all, and I am — thankful's can be. Why, every 
 day's Thanksgiving Day with me — wish't 'twas, too, s'fur 
 as turkey is concerned. Pm thankful we've kept you so 
 long as we have. I'm expecting to lose you 'most any 
 minute. 
 
 Mary {pausing in her packing). Lose me? 
 
 {Takes some articles of clothing out and begins to replace 
 them in an effort to make more room.) 
 
 Pa B. Yes, some discriminating sort o' chap whose eyes 
 was given him to look out of is just as likely as not to come 
 and ask pa's consent 'most any time. Ginger, ef I was a 
 young feller, I'd be making you say yes or no b'fore the 
 grass had need of another cuttin'. Y'look now, Mary, just 
 like your ma did the day she owned up that she wouldn't 
 do anything to hinder the minister earnin' a bit of a fee. 
 
 7 
 
8 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 
 
 Mary {laughing and putting a book in suit- case). I 
 guess there's no danger of your losing me that way, father — 
 not right away. 
 
 Pa B. What did I tell you about calling me father ? 
 Pa's the only name I answer to. Some day you'll say, 
 "Father, pass the potatoes," and you'll have to reach for 
 'em yourself. But I can't see that Tom and Joe are any 
 less int'rested than they were before you went off to college. 
 
 Mary (^putting book in suit-case). They have been 
 around pretty often. 
 
 Pa B. Not only that, but they've had two stand-up 
 fights about you since you came home. 
 
 Mary {disgusted). They have? I wonder if they think 
 that is the way the matter is to be settled. 
 
 Pa B. It don't settle a thing, for every time they both 
 claim they got the better of it. 
 
 Mary {rean-anging articles). Then I guess neither one 
 of them gets hurt much. I'hey better ask me. I'll settle 
 them. 
 
 Pa B. Mary, do you know college hasn't spoiled you a 
 bit? Folks said you'd have all the niceness edjicated out 
 o' you. Here I've been talking to you and you didn't use 
 a single word too long for me to get the meaning of. As I 
 look at it, and I'm not blind by a good ways, you're sweeter 
 every year, as well as knowin' more. 
 
 Mary {taking book out of suit-case and puttifig in an- 
 other). I'm afraid you're prejudiced, falh — pa. 
 
 Pa B. Prejudiced? I can't see why. Just b'cause I'm 
 your pa? Anyway, I'm glad we've had you here s'long as 
 we have, and I hope you have the best time you ever did 
 down to Anna's. 
 
 {Enter Mrs. Brinkley, c.) 
 
 Mrs. B. For land's sake, haven't you got that suit-case 
 packed yet ? 
 
 Mary {hastily cramming the contents in). Yes, I've got 
 everything packed up at last. 
 
 {Vainly endeavors to close and lock the suit- case.) 
 
 Mrs. B. Help her, there, pa, can't you ? Don't sit still 
 like a mummy. (Pa B. bends over atid tries to close the 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 9 
 
 suit- case. He ivipes the perspiration from his forehead 
 and puffs audibly, but cannot hold the suit-case together.') 
 Well, if you don't beat all. Helpless as a babe in arms. 
 Let me do it. 
 
 (Mrs. B. puts Pa B. and Mary aside, and closes the suit- 
 case ivitJiout difficulty.') 
 
 Pa B. It takes ma to do things, I tell you. 
 
 Mrs. B. It's lucky I'm around, seein' there's no real 
 man in the house. 
 
 Mary. Why, mother I 
 
 Pa B. Unsay them cruel words, mother. {Grins.) 
 
 Mrs. B. {picking up the book on the table). Why, Mary, 
 I thought you was going to take this book along for some 
 post-graduate work. 
 
 Mary. But, mother, the novel's so much more interest- 
 ing. 
 
 Mrs. B. That may be, but you've got your livin' to 
 earn. (Pa B. laughs uproariously.) Whatever is the mat- 
 ter, pa? 
 
 Pa B. Nothing. 
 
 Mrs. B. Now don't sit there and tell me that. A man 
 doesn't laugh so's he's going to choke unless something's 
 the matter. Now out with it. 
 
 Pa B. Nothing. Only I was thinkin' there's consider- 
 able comp'tition already between the men folks to pervide 
 Mary with three square meals a day. 
 
 Mrs. B. Pshaw, pa, stop putting such nonsense into her 
 head. 
 
 Mary. Well, I have a letter to write before I go, and I 
 might as well do it now. You know how 1 love to write 
 letters. 
 
 Pa B. I didn't notice 'em running any special trains to 
 bring us your corr'spondence when you was to college. 
 
 Mrs. B. Another thing. You write your pa or me just 
 as soon as ever you get to Anna's. I'm nervous about jour- 
 neys ever since that train wreck last fall, and I might 'a' 
 been in it if Sarah had lived in Fallsport instead of Oakville. 
 
 Mary [at door c). I'll write the post-card now and mail 
 it when I get there. 
 
 {Exit, c.) 
 
10 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 Pa B. My, isn't Mary just about the sweetest girl you 
 ever saw or heard tell of? 
 
 Mrs. B. If she weren't so sweet, pa, perhaps we'd have 
 a better chance to keep her. 
 
 Pa B. That remark has got a certain amount of truth 
 in it, ma, but if she wasn't so sweet we wouldn't want to 
 keep her so much. Guess it'll be pretty hard keeping her 
 home the way Joe and Tom are buzzin' around. 
 
 Mrs. B. Those two boys had their first fist fight over 
 Mary when they was six years old, and they've had 'em off 
 and on ever since. 
 
 Pa B. More on than off, if Pve noticed c'rectly. I guess 
 they mean business now. Wonder is they haven't asked her 
 a'ready. 
 
 Mrs. B. {low voice). I think they've got their minds 
 made up to ask her t'-night. 
 
 Pa B. Both of 'em ? 
 
 Mrs. B. Sure. What one does, the other does. 
 
 Pa B. D'you think Mary knows? 
 
 Mrs. B. Knows they're going to ask her? 
 
 Pa B. No ; that there's to be a surprise party for her. 
 
 Mrs. B. 1 don't think she's dreamt it for a moment. 
 
 Pa B. It'll please her, 1 guess. 
 
 Mrs. B. Tom and Joe asking her ? 
 
 Pa B. Why, no; the folks surprisin' her, o' course. But 
 say, mother, whilst we're on the subject so to speak, what 
 d'you think Mary'll say to 'em? 
 
 Mrs. B. Pm not sure, but I think, for one, they'd each 
 have a better chance if Mary hadn't ever gone away to 
 college. 
 
 Pa B. It hasn't rtiade her a bit stuck up. 
 
 Mrs. B. Course not, but she's seen a bit o' society ; and 
 Tom and Joe, their best friends couldn't call them society. 
 Another thing, you've heard Allen Fenby's home? 
 
 Pa B. I guess I hear most o' the news one way or t'other 
 — from women folks mostly. 
 
 Mrs. B. Well, Allen's been sweet on Mary, too. And 
 they do say that he's made a big hit in the city. 
 
 Pa B. What is he — a ball-player ? 
 
 Mrs. B. A ball-player? How ridiculous! Whatever 
 made you say that ? 
 
 Pa B. You said he made a hit. 
 
 Mrs. B. Never mind gettin' funny, pa, and I hope to 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S II 
 
 goodness you don't start folks talking about your bein' odd. 
 No, Allen's in an architect's office, and from what I hear he 
 must be pretty near one of the head men. 
 
 Pa B. Allen's a good boy, all right, but I guess if Tom 
 or Joe ever gave him a real good larrup, the doctor'd get a 
 good fee. {Enter Mary, c. Pa B., surprised.) Finished 
 your letter a'ready? 
 
 Mary. No, but I thought I'd show you this postal to see 
 if it's all right. 
 
 Pa B. Anything you do's all right. 
 
 Mrs. B. Stop putting such foolishness into her head, 
 Pa Brinkley. 
 
 Mary {reading). '* Dear father and mother " 
 
 Pa B. Better make that pa. 
 
 Mary. Father sounds better on a post-card that every- 
 body in the post-office is going to read. Now, pa, don't 
 interrupt me again. ** Dear father and mother — I arrived 
 safely and in good health. Cousin Anna and the rest of 
 the family are all well. The weather is pleasant and I don't 
 feel a bit tired from the journey. Lovingly, Mary." There, 
 pa, does that meet with your august approval ? 
 
 Pa B. August or September, s'far as that goes. But 
 hadn't you ought to wait for it to happen? 
 
 Mrs. B. {disgustedly). You're just as bad as your pa, 
 Mary. I was just saying that 1 hope he doesn't make a 
 spectacle of himself to-night. 
 
 Mary. To-night? Why, who's — — 
 
 Mrs. B. {hurriedly). Nothing — no one. I only meant 
 as you was going away I didn't want your last idea to be 
 that your pa was nothin' but a clown. 
 
 Pa B. Clowns make money. 
 
 Mrs. B. Not your kind. 
 
 Pa B. Mary, your ma and I was just remarking 
 that Allen Fenby's in town. You remember Allen, don't 
 you ? 
 
 Mary. Remember Allen ? Why, I should say — well, I 
 mean of course I do. 
 
 Mrs. B. Probably you knew he was coming. 
 
 Mary. Of course I did. 
 
 Pa B. Ha, ha, of course. Who told you, Mary? 
 Come, now, confess the worst to your pa. 
 
 Mary. I had a postal from him this afternoon. 
 
 Pa B. Postal? Well, you just inform your young men 
 
12 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 friends emphatic not to write postals. Don't they care two 
 cents about you ? 
 
 Mary. Two cents ? What for ? 
 
 Pa B. Why, for the postage stamp, o' course. Anyway, 
 you tell him to write letters and stick 'em with this — what 
 d'you call this funny stuff? 
 
 Mus. B. Sealing-wax, pa. Don't be an ignoramus. 
 
 Pa B. Your kindly suggestion shall be an inspiration to 
 me, ma. Sealing-wax is the stuff, and an extra big dose on 
 all incoming mail for Elmhurst. The postmaster's O. K., 
 but 1 wouldn't trust his family around the corner of a hitch- 
 ing-post, so far as reading mail matter goes. Fact, I b'lieve 
 they've got an X-ray up there. 
 
 Mrs. B. Mary, Allen's doing fine in the city. 
 
 Mary. Of course he — I mean I've heard that he was 
 getting along quite well. 
 
 Pa B. You and Allen were kind o' friendly, if I remem- 
 ber {Loud noises are heard outside.) Why, what- 
 ever can that racket be ? 
 
 Mrs. B. {pretending fear). Better go and see, pa. 
 There's so many burglars nowadays. 
 
 Pa B. But burglars don't make a noise like bedlam let 
 loose. {The noise redoubles.) It's a wonder folks can't 
 let a man enjoy himself in the bosom of his family without 
 disturbing the peace. 
 
 (Loud knocks and shouts are heard, r. Pa B. goes to the 
 exit, R., and returns quickly foUoived by the guests of the 
 surprise party, all laughing and shouting. All carry 
 packages. ) 
 
 Joel Ketchall. Surprise ! Surprise ! 
 All (/// chorus). Surprise ! Surprise ! 
 
 (Mary is confused but happy.) 
 
 Mary. Indeed it is a surprise. 
 
 Mrs. B. She never even dreamt of it. 
 
 (Tom Mussell rt'//^/ Joe k-Ru^.TRO^G are close together.) 
 
 Joe {angrily). Who're you shovin' ? 
 Tom. You'll find out who I'm shovin'. 
 Joe. I can shove as well as the next one. 
 Tom. Any time you want to try it ! 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's I3 
 
 (Joe ajid Tori continue to mutter and glower at each other.) 
 
 Jennie Lovett. I do so love a surprise party. They're 
 so romantic. 
 
 Mary {to Sam Swayne). I don't believe I have con- 
 gratulated you yet, have 1 ? 
 
 (Sam blushes and seems unaware of the proper disposition 
 of his hands.') 
 
 Sam. I don't know as you have, Mary, not exactly, but 
 I knew you thought it, anyway. 
 
 Jennie {sentimentally). You know all the world loves a 
 lover. 
 
 Pa B. Then I should think you'd be jealous of all the 
 world, Jennie. 
 
 Mrs. B. You know what I told you, pa. Now, folks, 
 I'll relieve you of your packages. Pa, make yourself use- 
 ful, seeing you can't be ornamental. 
 
 {Together Pa B. and Mrs. B. take the packages and exit c. 
 2 he compa?iy take seats but find there are not enough 
 chairs.) 
 
 Tom. I'll bring in some chairs, Mary. 
 
 Joe. So'll I. 
 
 Mary. You'll find some in the kitchen. 
 
 (Tom and Joe have another e/icounter at the door, in which 
 Tom bumps Joe against the wall. Joe gives him a bel- 
 ligerent look. Knock is heard at door r. Mary looks 
 up greatly interested, but Pa B. answers the knock.) 
 
 {Enter Allen Fenby, r.) 
 
 Pa B. Hello, here's Allen. You're a sight for sore 
 eyes, boy. 
 
 (Allen acknoivledges the greeting and goes to Mary.) 
 
 Mary. I'm so glad you came before I went away, 
 Allen. 
 
 Allen. I thought I'd better run down and help at the 
 surprise party. 
 
 Mary. It seems good to see you again. 
 
 Joe. She didn't say that to us. 
 
14 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 Tom. She'd said it to me, if you wasn't around. 
 
 (^During this conversation and at its close y Tom and ]oe 
 bri?ig in chairs ^ bumping each other at the door c, and 
 the guests have been taking seats. Sam and Jennie place 
 chairs very close to each other, and when they think they 
 are unobserved, hold hands momentarily. ]\Irs. B. and 
 Pa B., having disposed of the packages, reenter c.) 
 
 Pa B. Just as sure as a perch is full o' bones, I haven't 
 set my eyes on such a good-looking assortment of young 
 folks since the last time 
 
 Mrs. B. Now, you remember what I told you 
 
 Pa B. Can't possibly do it, ma. 
 
 Mrs. B. {sharply). You can't? Why not? 
 
 Pa B. Haven't got a big enough thinkery to remember 
 all you told me. Now as 1 was a-saying when I was inter- 
 rupted {seriocomic glance of rebuke at Mrs. B.), when I 
 see such a beauteous galaxy of femininity, it reminds me of 
 the time I was 
 
 Mrs. B. Never mind. 
 
 Pa B. ijinheeding). of the time I was the only man 
 
 at a summer resort. 
 
 Mrs. B. When was that, pa? Own up, now. 
 
 Pa B. Back in '79. I was summer- engaged that year. 
 
 All (/;/ concert). Summer-engaged ! 
 
 Mrs. B. Pa, how you do go on. I never knew you was 
 engaged till you met me. 
 
 Pa B. Oh, summer-engaged don't mean anything. I 
 met the lady on the street the next winter and she didn't 
 seem to remember me. 
 
 Mrs. B. Well, pa, the folks didn't all come up here to 
 hear you confess your sins. 
 
 Pa B. No, they'd have to come up several nights. 
 
 Mrs. B. They could live right here. 
 
 Tom {to Joe). Get off my foot. 
 
 Joe. ril get off when I get ready. 
 
 Tom. You'll get off now. 
 
 Joe. Well, I'm ready now. 
 
 Mrs. B. What do you say to playing some games? 
 
 Joel. Games for mine. 
 
 Mary. It'll seem good to play the old games again. 
 
 Allen. It will be old times. 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 1 5 
 
 Pa B. Oh, to be a child at mother's knee. 
 
 Mrs. B. {scathingly). Never mind ancient history, pa. 
 
 Jennie. Let's not play any kissing games. 
 
 Joel. Oh, why not? 
 
 Mrs. B. No, we won't; not a one. D' you suppose I'm 
 going to allow that old rascal to kiss all the pretty girls in 
 this room ? First thing I'd know, he'd pack his satchel and 
 off he'd go. 
 
 Pa B. You do me a base injustice, ma. 
 
 Mrs. B. Mebbe; but I'm on the safe side. Any man 
 who'd confess to being summer-engaged, 1 won't trust him 
 too far. 
 
 Pa B. Strange ; that's just what old Hornbucket said. 
 
 {Ail laiigli.) 
 
 Mrs. B. (reddening). Said what ? 
 
 Pa B. Said he wouldn't trust me too far — one week's 
 groceries was the best he could do. 
 
 Mrs. B. You'll have the whole town thinking we're 
 hard up. 
 
 Pa B. {taking out an old purse and holding it upside down 
 to show that it is empty). We hadn't ought to be ashauicd 
 of the truth, ma. 
 
 Mary. Father, stop teasing mother. 
 
 Pa B. Who stop teasing who? 
 
 Mary. Pa, stop teasing ma. 
 
 Pa B. That's better. You are an obedient daughter. 
 Now, folks, what'U we play? 
 
 Sam. Let's play conversation. 
 
 Allen. What's that? 
 
 Sam. We choose up by twos and talk to each other. 
 
 Pa B. Not to-night, Sam. You'd fix it so Jennie'd be 
 your partner. You played "conversation" up to her house 
 till half-past nine last night, and to-night you've got to give 
 the rest of us a chance. 
 
 Joel. Funny thing. 
 
 All. What's a funny thing? 
 
 Joel. Why, before a fellow's married he's always mak- 
 ing excuses to see his girl ; after he gets her he makes 
 excuses to get away. 
 
 All. Nonsense. 
 
 Joel (stoutly). Course it's nonsense. 
 
l6 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 
 
 Jennie. It's the exception that proves the rule. When 
 you are in love, really, truly in love, you suffice for each 
 other. 
 
 Pa B. Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts 
 that beat as one. 
 
 Jennie {ecstatically'). Beautiful, wondrous, poetic ! 
 
 Sam. Very well put. 
 
 Mrs. B. Now, pa, 1 want to know where you heard that. 
 
 Various Voices. Yes, pa, reveal the worst. 
 
 Mrs. B. Have you been seein' any of these play-actors? 
 
 Pa B. (iipolo^^etic). It was a long time ago, and it was 
 a good deal like Shakespeare, anyway, all full of high lan- 
 guage and gestures 
 
 Joel. If I had it to do over, Pd be on the stage 
 
 Mrs. B. Why, Joel, does your mother know about this? 
 
 Joel. Ma says it's better than eight dollars a week down 
 to Hornbucket's. 
 
 Mrs. B. PU tell your ma when I see her. 
 
 Joel. Don't worry her. 1 gave it all up. Pm going to 
 stick to commerce. 
 
 Jennie, Noble sacrifice ! It's so sentimental to self- 
 sacrifice. 
 
 Pa B. Would you give Sam up to another girl ? 
 
 Jennie. I referred to noble self-sacrifice, Pa Brinkley. 
 
 Mrs. B. Yes, you'd better stick to Hornbucket. Most 
 of his clerks do. They say there never was one quit, and 
 only one ever got fired. 
 
 Joel. Oh, I'll buy him out one of these days. 
 ■ All. Buy him out? 
 
 Joel. Sure. I'm saving, and as I ain't goin' to get 
 married, I guess I'll have enough. 
 
 Jennie. You'd ought to be ashamed o' yourself. 
 
 Joel. Pd ought to be, but I ain't. 
 
 Pa B. Now, folks, no doubt this is all very edifyin', but 
 it isn't games. Let's play cornucopia. 
 
 All. Cornucopia ? 
 
 Pa B. Yes, everybody plays it. 
 
 Mrs. B. You mean everybody did a generation ago 
 when you took three years to work up enough courage to 
 pop the question. 
 
 Pa B. I got summer-engaged in five minutes. 
 
 JOEi,. Engaged's all right, but married— no. 
 
 Pa B. You're a misanthropist, Joel. 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY 8 
 
 17 
 
 Joel. I would be if I had money. 
 
 Mrs. B. Nobody nowadays knows how to play cornu- 
 copia, or Fool's Cap, as I called it. 
 
 All. Let's i)lay it. 
 
 Pa B. I'll explain it. One person goes out of the room. 
 Then he comes in. No, let me see 
 
 Mrs. B. You don't know what you're talking about, pa. 
 One person stands in the center, and asks any question he 
 likes. If the person he asks uses the word I in the answer, 
 he has the fool's cap put on his head. 
 
 Pa B. That's it. That's it. 
 
 All. You stand in the center, pa. 
 
 Mrs. B. I'll make the fool's cap. 
 
 {Exit, c.) 
 
 (Pa B. rises and stands in the center. The chairs are drawn 
 around him except at front of stage.') 
 
 Pa B. Remember, no matter what I say don't say I. 
 (^Looks around meditatively. Enter Mus. B., c, with fool's 
 cap made of a neii^spaper.) Who was the oldest man in the 
 world ? 
 
 Joel. Pa Brinkley. 
 
 Pa B. Wrong. Who do you say, Mary ? 
 
 Mary. I don't know. 
 
 All. Fool's cap ! 
 
 (Mary puts on the fooV s cap and changes places with Pa B.) 
 
 Mary {looking around the circle and addressing Sam). 
 Who loves Jennie ? 
 
 Sarl Sam Swayne, 
 
 Mary. Who is he ? 
 
 Sam. Me. 
 
 Mary. Who's me? 
 
 Sam. Sam Swayne. 
 
 Mary {turning on Joe suddenly). Who can whip Tom 
 Mussell ? 
 
 Joe. I can. 
 
 Alt,. Fool's cap ! 
 
 Tom. You can't, either. 
 
 Joe. I can, too. 
 
 Tom. I'll destroy what little beauty you've got. 
 
l8 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 Joe. I'll polish you off after the parly. 
 
 {Both glower on each other. Mary puts the fooVs cap 
 on Joe.) 
 
 Tom. Fool, fool ! Joe, with the fool's cap ! Just right 
 for you to wear. 
 
 Joe {sullen). I ain't a-goin' to play this silly game. 
 
 Pa B. It is a fool game. Let's try something else. 
 
 Mrs. B. We'll play cross questions and crooked answers. 
 
 Pa B. I get plenty of cross questions at home, ma. 
 
 Mrs. B. {sharply'). I get just as many crooked answers. 
 {All laugh.) All the ladies sit on this s\(\t {tjidicating K..) 
 and all the gentlemen over here. {Indicates L.) 
 
 Joe. Then where' 11 Tom sit ? 
 
 Mary. Right next to you, Joe. 
 
 (Joe mumbles to ht?nself while Tom makes threatening ges- 
 tures. Sam and Jennie are loath to be separated and 
 give each other affectionate glances of farewell.) 
 
 Pa B. It'll be only a little while, Sam. 
 
 {All laugh. After all are arranged, ladies opposite the 
 gentlemen, as indicated by questions and answers beloiv, 
 Mrs. B. passes paper aiid pencil to each.) 
 
 Mrs. B. Now all the ladies are to write questions and 
 all the gentlemen are to write answers. 
 
 Joel. Answers to what ? 
 
 Mrs. B. Anything at all. 
 
 Jennie. Do you mean sentimental questions? 
 
 Mrs. B. Any kind at all. 
 
 Joel. Well, I won't write anything that'd be evidence 
 in a breach o' promise suit. 
 
 Mrs. B. No one would sue you for breach of promise, 
 Joel. 
 
 Joel {sceptically). I had a friend who it was done to. 
 I'm not taking chances. 
 
 Allen. This is a leap year game, isn't it ? 
 
 Mrs. B. How d'you make that out? 
 
 Allen. Ladies asking the question. 
 
 Joel. I got to go down to the store quick. Where's my 
 hat? 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S I9 
 
 Pa B. Down to the store? What made you make up 
 your mind so sudden ? 
 
 Joel. If there's any leap year business going on, I'm 
 going to hide behind a case o* corn. 
 
 Mary. I'll protect you, Joel. 
 
 Pa B. Women ask questions every year. 
 
 Mrs. B. You men folk had better write some good, sen- 
 sible answers. 
 
 Joel. Then I'll write NO in big capitals. 
 
 Pa B. Jimmy Smith talked the same way, but he's got a 
 wife and a tolerable good-sized family over in Seecut. 
 
 (During the above the guests have been writing.') 
 
 Mrs. B. Everybody ready? Pa, get a couple o' hats. 
 (Pa B. exits C. and reappears with a hat in each hand.) 
 Now collect the questions in one and the answers in the 
 other, and mind you don't get mixed up. (Pa B. folhnvs 
 instructions.) Now shake 'em up — shake 'em lively and 
 let each lady take out a question and each gentleman an 
 answer. 
 
 Jennie. I'm sure this is going to be romantic. 
 
 Pa B. It'll be rheumatic if this weather keeps up. 
 
 Mrs. B. {scathingly). She said romantic, pa. 
 
 Pa B. Excuse me, excuse me. You will pardon me, 
 won't you, Jennie? (Mock humility.) 
 
 Mrs. B. Don't disgrace yourself, pa. Now you pass 
 those hats as I told you. {The ladies each take a question 
 and the gentlemen an ansiver.) Now read 'em off. 
 
 Dolly Lafferty. Is there any truth in the rumor that 
 Pa Brinkley wears a wig ? 
 
 (Pa ^. feels his head meditatively.) 
 
 Pa B. I protest. 
 
 Mrs. B. The question goes, and it's lucky I don't an- 
 swer it. Joel, read your answer. 
 
 Joel. It cost him four dollars. 
 
 Mrs. B. And he told me three dollars and ninety-eight 
 cents. 
 
 Pa B. I object to this levity and lack of decorum. Any 
 further remarks? If not, we will proceed to the next ques- 
 tion. 
 
 Mary. What is the most intelligent animal? 
 
20 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 Elmer Blossom. Some say Sam Swayne. 
 
 {^Uproarious applause. Sam is confused.) 
 
 Pa B. I wonder what kind of an animal Sam is. 
 
 Tom. 1 heard Jennie call him a litlle dear. 
 
 Jennie. Well, 1 didn't say anything untrulhfLil, so there 
 now, '1 om Mussell. 
 
 Pa B. I suppose we're all animals, as you might say. 
 
 Mrs. B. Yes, and some more than others. 
 
 Elmer. Question, question, who's got the question ? 
 
 Molly Salling. What does love do? 
 
 Jennie. Tee-hee-hee 
 
 Joel. Love upsets you and gets your mind off business. 
 That's what old Hornbucket said when he fired the pretty 
 cashier, 'cause us fellers got too much int'rested in the finan- 
 cial department. Now he's got a cash register, and no one's 
 fell in love with that. 
 
 Pa B. Young man, d'you realize you're interfering with 
 the progress of this important edjicational institution, viz., 
 cross questions and crooked answers? Molly, you will 
 please repeat the question. 
 
 Molly. What does love do? 
 
 Pa B. The answer, Joe ? 
 
 Joe, Crops are pretty poor this year. 
 
 Joel. If it means crops of lovers, glad to hear it. I 
 
 Mrs. B. 1 suppose you were disappointed when Horn- 
 bucket let Minnie go and put in a cash register? 
 
 Joel. 1 should say not. You ain't in danger of taking 
 a cash register out on moonlight nights and talking foolish, 
 and mebbe getting married 
 
 Mrs. B. Pshaw, Minnie wouldn't look twice at you. 
 
 Joel. I don't want to take no chances. Women are un- 
 reliable, Pve heard. 
 
 Pa B. Oh, wise young man ! 
 
 Mrs. B. You'd ought to know better than to encourage 
 such disrespect, pa. 
 
 Pa B. Crops are pretty poor this year in the love line. 
 How about it, Sam and Jennie? 
 
 Sam. But we was engaged last year. 
 
 Jennie. Well, not exactly, Sam, dear. 
 
 Sam. Just as good as. 
 
 Joel. Just as bad as, you mean. 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 21 
 
 Mrs. B. I don't know as crops are so bad. They tell 
 me that {iiame some good-looking fellow iv ell known to the 
 audience) is getting attentive to the pretty girls. 
 
 Pa B. Yes, but why say getting? Question, please. 
 
 Jennie. Here is mine, and 1 hope the answer is just 
 horrid, the way you've been teasing me. 
 
 Pa B. Everybody hold his chair hard and hope for a 
 horrid answer. 
 
 Jennie. Who is the homeliest girl in Elmhurst? 
 
 Allen. The mirror will tell you the secret. 
 
 Pa B. Horrid answer, horrid answer. 
 
 Jennie {indignantly). I don't believe that is the answer. 
 You just made that up. Let me see the paper. 
 
 {^All laugh except Jennie, who is almost weepings and Sam, 
 who is tenderly sympathetic.) 
 
 Sam. Never mind, dear, never mind. 
 
 Allen. You don't think 1 would cheat, do you, Jennie? 
 Read it yourself. {Passes the slip.) 
 
 Jennie {reading, but only half -convinced). I don't care. 
 It's a put up job, and 1 don't think it's one bit fair. 
 
 Pa B. No, boys, and girls, too, it isn't nice to tease. I 
 hope you won't do it again. Question, who will pop the 
 question ? Your turn, Sam? Oh, no, excuse me, you iiave 
 popped the question. It's your turn to read one, Sally ; 
 speak up. 
 
 Sally Long. Should an engagement be long or short ? 
 
 Pa B. Answer up, Sam ; you're being spoken at, and 
 you're an authority on that subject. 
 
 Sam. The least said soonest mended. But I don't care 
 about this rubbish, cross answers and crooked questions, or 
 whatever it is. I say get engaged just as quick asyourgirl'U 
 say yes, and stay engaged until you get enough money to 
 settle down 
 
 Pa B. Or settle up. Come, folks, applaud that oratorical 
 effort. 
 
 [Enthusiastic hand-clapping and ivaving of handkerchiefs 
 except by Tom.) 
 
 Jennie {to Mary). Wasn't that the cutest speech you 
 ever heard ? 
 
 Mary. Now, Jennie, if I said yes, you'd be jealous. 
 
22 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 Pa B. Boys and girls, I want to tell you a secret. Don't 
 tell anybody, but I've a suspicion that Sam writes the "Ad- 
 vice to Girls" column of the "Ladies' Home Companion." 
 
 Mrs. B. Now, pa 
 
 Pa B. {hastily). Question ! 
 
 Beatrice Jones. Who is the better man, Tom or Joe ? 
 
 Tom. I am. 
 
 Joe. Not ! 
 
 Elmer {reading). Generally speaking, yes. 
 
 Pa B. That's right, 1 guess. Well, 1 can't help admiring 
 anybody who won't ever give up. 
 
 Mrs. B. Speaking about giving up, let's have some 
 riddles. 
 
 Pa B. Not until Molly has favored us with a brief 
 selection. 
 
 {Applause and cries of " Yes, Molly.'') 
 
 Molly. Oh, no, not to-night. 
 
 Pa B. I must insist, kindly but firmly, to-night. 
 
 Molly. 1 have a very sore throat. {Pretends to cough.) 
 
 Pa B. My, my, I'm afraid I'll have to pack you off 
 home. Too bad, folks, you'll have to excuse Molly ; she 
 has a terrible cold. Come on, Molly, we'll get your 
 wraps 
 
 Molly. I'm not so sick as all that 
 
 Pa B. Oh, you'll sing, then? 
 
 Molly. Oh, I can't sing. 
 
 Several Voices. You can, too; you sing just dear. 
 
 MoixY {smiling). Oh, do you really think so? 
 
 Pa B. Now, you've got what you wanted, give us what 
 we want. 
 
 Molly. Oh, I don't want to. 
 
 Pa B. {coaxing and urging her from her chair). Oh, 
 come on, and do as pa wants you to. 
 
 Molly. What shall I sing, then ? 
 
 (Sam ajid Jennie have taken the opportunity to resume seats 
 next to each other.) 
 
 Jennie. Sing us something sad. 
 Pa B. Yes, by all means, a love song. 
 Jennie. A love song isn't necessarily sad. 
 Pa B. Not necessarily — customarily. 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 23 
 
 Mary. I'm ashamed of you, fath — pa. 
 
 Elmer. D'you know the " Old Oaken Bucket " ? 
 
 Joel. Or ''Ben Bolt"? 
 
 Pa B. Keep still, boys. Molly's going to sing something 
 classical like. 
 
 Molly. No, indeed, I sing only the latest songs. I 
 just received one from New York — the ink is hardly dry yet, 
 but they tell me it will be immensely popular. We tried it 
 to-day, and I think it's just grand. Play for me, Sally. 
 
 (Molly should sing soDie very new, catchy song. Great 
 applause at the conclusion.^ 
 
 Pa B. I call to mind when I was a youngster, we all 
 used to gather round the piano and sing "Old Black Joe" 
 and a lot of tunes like that. 
 
 Tom. Old Black Joe. That's where you come in. 
 
 {Slaps Joe roughly on the back.) 
 
 Joe. No worse'n Uncle Tom's Cabin. 
 
 Pa B. Come on, boys, stand up and sing with the rest 
 of us. {All gather around the piano. Sam and Jennie 
 stand close, and perceived by the audience hold hands mo- 
 mentarily. Tom and Joe shove each other aside in order to 
 get close to Mary. Unobtrusively, she moves toward 
 Allen.) Play for us, will you, Sally? 
 
 Sally. I'll play if you'll all sing. 
 
 Pa B. Sure we'll all sing. 
 
 Joe. If Tom doesn't sing I'll make him yell. 
 
 Tom. When you sing, they won't know whether it's 
 singing or yelling. 
 
 {Led by any of the men who may be capable, all join lustily 
 in singing '* Old Black Joe.'' Pa B. is somewhat short 
 on accuracy, but strong on effort. Then folloivs a ?fwre 
 modern piece suggested by Allen.) 
 
 Pa B. {panting). There, that's enough. My bellows 
 need a rest. 
 
 Mrs. B. You'd be better off if you'd bellow less and 
 sing more. 
 
 Pa B. Ma, way off in Massachusetts, where I was oncet, 
 I remember goin' through a cemetery and seein' on a tomb- 
 
24 A SURPRI5E PARTY AT ERINKLEY S 
 
 Stone this here epitapli : " Here lies John Jones. He done 
 his best," and tiiose words apply with partic'iar force to my 
 singin'. 
 
 Mrs. B. Well, singin' ain't your forty. 
 
 Pa B. No, nor my fifty. Vou know what's Sally's 
 forty ? 
 
 Several. No. "What? 
 
 Pa B. The piano-forty. 
 
 Several. Shame on you, pa. 
 
 (^During the abovCy all have resumed their seats, ami talk 
 in pantomime.) 
 
 Allen (Jo Mary). I love to hear you sing. 
 
 Marv. Oh, 1 can't sing a little bit. 
 
 Allex. You know I'd give anything, Mary, if evenings 
 like this 
 
 Mary. Do you mean surprise parties? Goodness, how 
 naany birthdays do you want me to have? 
 
 Allen (^low voice). No, not surprise parties, just you 
 and I. You remember what I told you a year ago. You 
 said you must complete your education 
 
 Tom {loudly). I don't care if I did insult you 
 
 Joe. You'll care before you get through with me. 
 
 Pa B. Now, boys, please declare an armistice. 
 
 Joe. Ann is tice? 
 
 Pa B. Yes, stop fightin'. What d'you say to some co- 
 nundrums? 
 
 Tom. D'you mean riddles? 
 
 Pa B. Sure. PU start it going. If two lovers were 
 musical, wiiat two notes would they prefer? Jennie, can't 
 you answer this one ? 
 
 Mrs. B. Pa, stop getting personal. 
 
 (No one answers.) 
 
 Pa B. Does everybody give up ? 
 
 (All nod affirniatively.) 
 
 Tom. D'you give up, Joe? 
 
 Joe. Uh-nh. 
 
 Tom. There, I got you. I told you I could make you 
 give up. 
 
 Pa B. Silence, boys, and considerable of it. This co- 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT ERINKLEY S 25 
 
 nundriim here is serious business. What musical noles ilo 
 lovers — say S-im and Jennie — prefer? 
 
 All. 1 don't know. 
 
 Pa B. ( pjintin^ to the sofa arid laughing heartily). So-fa. 
 Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday p. m. ; eh, Sammy? 
 
 {All laugh heartily.') 
 
 Jennie. I wish you'd call him Samuel; it's more 
 fitting. 
 
 Pa B. Then he'd ought to get an appropriate coat. 
 
 Jennie. Appropriate coat ? 
 
 Pa B. Yes, one that would be more fitting. 
 
 Mrs. B. Pa, you disgrace the family. 
 
 Jennie. And 1 don't think gentlemen's clothes ought to 
 be discussed so public, either. 
 
 Sam. I got more dignified since I was er.gaged, and I 
 stand straighter. 
 
 Pa B. 1 accept your apology, my boy. Besides, I was 
 only joking. Gracious, them that live in glass houses 
 mustn't hurl any baseballs. Look at me. {Struts around 
 in comic attitude, glancing at his coat-tail.) Very ante- 
 bellum — very much so. 
 
 Elmer. 1 should say so. 
 
 Pa B. Say what ? 
 
 Elmer. I should say they are what you said they was. 
 
 Pa B. {severely). Young man, d'you know what you're 
 talking about? 
 
 Elmer {sheepishly). Xo, sir. 
 
 Pa B. I thought not. Xo wonder you're a grocer's 
 clerk. Ante-bellum means before the war. X'ow, Allen, 
 do your turn. Get busy and give these wiseacres something 
 to think about. 
 
 Allex. Why is a bridegroom worth more than a bride? 
 
 Jennie. \Vhy he isn't, no such thing; is he, Samuel? 
 
 Sam. They ought to be about equal. 
 
 Jennie. They'd ought to Ix; everything to each other. 
 
 Pa B. It's a sorry world, Jennie; but few of us do as we 
 had ought to. 
 
 Mrs. B. Don't include yourself, pa. 
 
 Pa B. {addressing himself). Sir, your name is stricken 
 from the list. 
 
 Allen. That doesn't answer mv conundrum. Wbv is 
 
26 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 
 
 a bridegroom worth more than a bride? {All are silent.) 
 A bride is given away, while a bridegroom is often sold. 
 
 {All lau^h except Jennie and Sam, Joel goes off into a 
 veritable paroxysm of laughter, fairly choking. Pa B. 
 pats him on the back a fid finally he is able to speak.) 
 
 Joel. Ho, ho, ho — that's better'n a raise in salary. Hit 
 the nail on the head that time, Allen. 
 
 Pa B. ril tell Hornbucket to tell you a joke next time 
 you ask for an addition to your stipend. 
 
 Joel. I'd ruther hear a joke than what he usually flings 
 at me. 
 
 Pa B. You want to make note of that riddle, Sam. It 
 may come in handy. 
 
 Jennie. Such nonsense is better forgot. 
 
 Mrs. B. Let's have another riddle. Who's got one? 
 
 Tom. Me. Why is a ship like Mr. Blank's {i^se the 
 najne of some gentleinan knoivn to be in the audience) 
 diamond stud ? 
 
 Joe. 'Cause it costs money. 
 
 Tom. That ain't right. 
 
 Pa B. I guess we'll have to give that up, Tom. Why 
 is it? 
 
 Tom. 'Cause it rests on the bosom of a swell. 
 
 {All laugh.) 
 
 Joe. That was a pretty poor riddle, Tom. If I couldn't 
 thiik of a better one, I'd keep still. 
 
 Tom. Give us a better one, then, smarty. Come on 
 now. I'll make you prove up. 
 
 All. Yes, give us a conundrum, Joe. 
 
 Joe. It ain't as though I couldn't do it. Here's one 
 you can't answer. How can you make your dog larger or 
 smaller, as you want to? 
 
 Pa B. Feed him on mush and milk to make him larger. 
 Send him over here to make him smaller. 
 
 Mrs. B. Pa, you talk as though we're starved to death. 
 
 Pa B. I am getting thin, but if I had my choice I'd 
 rather die from overeating than vicy versy. Is that answer 
 right, Joe? 
 
 Joe. No, you're miles off. Why don't you show off 
 your brains, 1 bm ? 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 27 
 
 Tom. You can make a dog larger by leaving him grow, 
 but I don't see's any one -can make liim smaller 'less'n it's 
 one of them magician chaps. 1 saw one of them make a 
 rabbit so small that it disappeared. 
 
 Mrs. B. Does your ma know that you attend theatrical 
 performances, Thomas ? 
 
 Tom. It weren't a theatrical performance, not exactly. 
 It was a side-show down to the county fair. I went to see 
 one of those fellows that looks at your hand and tells your 
 fortune. He looks mine over hard and then he says, says 
 he, '' You're a hard worker," and I guess he could tell that 
 by looking at my hand, all right. Then he says, *' You was 
 holding a pretty girl's hand last night" (Jookiiig slyly at 
 Mary), but how he found out I don't know, 'cause that 
 don't leave any mark's I know of. 
 
 Allen. Is that all he told you ? 
 
 Tom. No. He says, says he, "You're brave, noble, 
 industrious and fond of the ladies — one in particular. You'll 
 be rich and successful. You've got a mortal enemy, and I 
 see a combat between you very soon, and I see that you'll 
 be the victor." It all came true, too, at least that last part. 
 
 Joe. Was it Professor Balladius? And did you give 
 him a quarter? 
 
 Tom. Yep, that was the chap. But I gave him a half 
 dollar. Such news as that was worth five dollars of any 
 man's money. 
 
 Joe. Well, he told me exactly the same thing, and only 
 charged me a quarter. 
 
 Pa B. {laughing). He had you boys sized up all riglit, 
 but let's get back to the riddle. How can you make your 
 iJog larger and smaller ? 
 
 Joe. By letting him out at night and taking him in in 
 the morning. 
 
 {All laugh.) 
 
 Mary. Here's one you can never guess. What state 
 has the most people ? 
 
 Pa B. That's not a riddle. That's geography. 
 
 Mrs. B. Mary must be practicing so she can teach. 
 
 Joe. Aw, Mary's not goin' to teach. She's goin' to get 
 married. 
 
 Pa B. Even if she does, she'll teach just the same — 
 teach her husband manners. 
 
28 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 
 
 Mus. B. I've been doing that to pa for nearly thirty 
 years. 
 
 Pa B. And look at him now. Is it poor pupil or poor 
 teacher ? 
 
 Mary. You haven't answered my riddle. Which stale 
 has the most people ? 
 
 Elmer. New York State. 
 
 (Mary sJiakes her head.') 
 
 Jennie {timidly). I think I know. 
 
 Several. Weil, what is it ? 
 
 Jennie. Is it — is it the state of matrimony? 
 
 {Applause.) 
 
 Mary. That's right. 
 
 Pa B. We might know Jennie could tell us. Now here's 
 one. What is the largest estate in the world ? {Looks 
 around for an answer.) Why, real estate, of course. 
 
 Mrs. B. You made that up. 
 
 Pa B. {cofifused). Well, what if I did ? 
 
 Mrs. B. it sounds sort o' home-made. Now, here's a 
 good one. When will the alphabet have only twenty-five 
 letters? 
 
 Pa B. I heard that when I was a boy, but I forgot the 
 answer. 
 
 Mhs. B. Does everybody give up? {Silence.) Why, 
 when U and I are one. 
 
 Allen. Sam ought to have asked that one. 
 
 Sam. How about yourself? 
 
 Joe. Or me either, for that matter. 
 
 Tom. Well, I'm in on that, too. 
 
 Pa B. 1 guess most any of the boys could o' asked that 
 riddle, and most o' the girls. 
 
 Elmer. I know a game I wish we could play. 
 
 Pa B. I,et's play it. I'll get brain fever trying to guess 
 these conundrums. 
 
 Elmer. It's to see how near a fellow can point to a mark 
 on the wall when he's blindfolded. Here, Tom, you do it. 
 
 Tom. I guess I can point as close as anybody. 
 
 Elmer. Now, look. You are to point as near as you 
 can to this card that I pin up here. {Fins card ai bacii c, 
 near door. Puts a handkerchief around Tom's eyes and 
 wliirls him around three times.) Now, point at it. 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 2() 
 
 (TOiM stretches out a finger and points, walking toward the 
 wall. The different characters call, '* Over here,'' 
 *' You're IV ay off,'' etc. Finally as 'Vom. proceeds with 
 his outstretched finger^ Elmer walks toward him and 
 bites it.) 
 
 Tom. Oh, oh, oh, oh ! (^ Jerks handkerchief from his 
 eyes and puts his finger in his mouth to relieve it. Every- 
 body is laughing. ToM is angry and discomfited. Tom to 
 Joe.) You did that; you did that; and 1 won't forget it 
 as long as I live. 
 
 Joe. I didn't do it, either. 
 
 Tom. You did, too, and I don't think it's respectable to 
 play such rough games, either. 
 
 Mrs. B. 1 know a belter game, boys and girls, one that 
 doesn't hurt anybody. Every one of you sit down. Now, 
 I will tell each one of you the name of an animal. When 1 
 say ready, you are to imitate it just as loud as ever you can. 
 They call the game Barnyard. (Mrs. B. goes frofn one to 
 the other, whispering to each.) All ready, now. 
 
 (Pa B. makes a loud noise in ifnitation of a cat. All 
 the others remain silent.) 
 
 Pa B. Why didn't the rest — oh, I see, the joke's on me. 
 I'm thankful you didn't tell me to imitate a donkey. 
 
 Mrs. B. That would be easy for you, pa. 
 
 Elmer. Isn't it about time to be thinking about getting 
 some grub ? 
 
 Sally. I'm ready any time. 
 
 Mrs. B. Any time you say, folks. I'm glad you brought 
 plenty, for pa was like to eat us out of house and home. 
 
 Pa B. I told you we were short in the com'sary depart- 
 ment, and now she admits it herself. 
 
 Mrs. B. We'd have to buy wholesale to keep you sup- 
 plied, pa. Come, Mary. 
 
 (Mary and Mrs. B. exeunt c.) 
 
 Joe. And I want to tell you straight that I'm the best 
 man ; get that ? 
 
 Tom. You may be the best man, but by ginger, Joe, I'll 
 be the bridegroom. 
 
 Joe. Not 'nless I should be suddenly took off. 
 
30 
 
 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 
 
 Pa B. {confidentially). Now, folks, you all know's well 
 as 1 do that Mrs. B., with all her good points — and she's 
 got more of them than a porcupine — is kind o' set against 
 anything theatrical, so I waited for just this here opportunity 
 before bringing in the best thing of the whole evening. 
 Joel here is to appear in an amateur minstrel show over to 
 Squchet next week, and 1 got him to promise to do a little 
 bit of a stunt here. {Applause.') Of course, you all want 
 to imagine he's all blacked up. 
 
 (Joel rises and stands in the middle of the circle, hut faces 
 the audience.) 
 
 Joel. Ah suttinly am de saddest coon dat ever jest 
 missed bein' at a watermelon jubilee. De sun don't shine 
 fo' me no mo'. Any time, mos', Ah goes out. Ah carries a 
 umberell. It always looks alike rain to me. Sure, sultinly, 
 things seem purty dark to me — not 'cause Aii'm a darky 
 neither. De hope tank's all done gone busied and wasted 
 itself ail over de ground. De worsted worst has come mah 
 way — come mah way and stopped right at mah house. 
 Don't know when it's goin' away. It's jes' prezackly like 
 your mother-in-law — good for a long slay. What's all 
 about? Dat's it. I'se got de melancholy. I'se got blues 
 so blue that bluin' looks like skim-milk longside of it. Ah'm 
 in de dumps, de bottom of de heap. All for the love of a 
 girrul. She trun me down. Took me up to de pinnacle of 
 delight and den threw me down — down — down — to de 
 ground. Mah bones is broke — mah heart is broke and Ah'm 
 broke. 1 took dat 'ere girrul to sixty shows and give her a 
 bunch of the lusciousest dinners — de most deliciousest you 
 ever did see — {smacking lips) chicken and watermelon and 
 ham and chicken and lobster and canned goods and 
 chicken an' pie and ice-cream an' cake — and chicken. Ah 
 tells you, a girrul does most suttinly clean up in any kind o' 
 a rassle with a feller's bank account — don't you never back 
 no bank account to lick a girrul in a good stand-up scrap. 
 Why, when dat delicious assemblage of femininity gets 
 through with that 'ere bank-book, it'll be completely knocked 
 out o' reco'nition. Jes' like de fog when de sun comes up 
 — it won't be dere. Dat's what Ah went and done, traded 
 mah bank 'count for dinners and theayters, and what 'ave Ah 
 got? Nuffin' but a broken heart. Ef ycai t ver think you're 
 a expert wif de ladies, jes' change you mind and t'ink of de 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 3I 
 
 sad case of Jephthah Jehosophat Jones — dat's me. An' now 
 for a song — a sad song to comfort mah fractured heart. 
 
 {Si'/igs ** Every Morn I Bring Her Chicken,'' or some 
 other appropriate negro dialect piece. Great applause^ 
 7vith encore if called for. At the conclusion, Mrs. B. 
 conies in unexpectedly.^ 
 
 Mrs. B, For the land's sake, Pa Brinkley, what's been 
 going on in here — everybody clapping like it was a show — 
 and laughing and singing like to raise the roof. 
 
 Pa B. Joel has been telling us some of his sad expe- 
 riences with the ladies, and he finally consented to sing a 
 song. 
 
 Mrs. B. {7vith a sigh of relief). Well, I'm thankful it 
 wasn't anything theatrical. Now, folks, come on out to the 
 dining-room and we'll have some of the good things you 
 brought. 
 
 (^All exeunt except Jennie and Sai\i, who hang back.) 
 
 Sam. To ourselves once more. 
 
 Jennie. Are we alone, dear ? Be careful or some one 
 will hear us. 
 
 Sam. We can have a nice quiet little talk together 
 for a couple of minutes before tiiey start eating. 
 
 Jennie. Sam, dear {they take seats upon a sofa), there's 
 something been worrying me. 
 
 Sam {with concern). What has been disturbing your lit- 
 tle heart, honey? 
 
 Jennie. It seems foolish, I know. 
 ■ Sam. Not to me, love. 
 
 Jennie. Well, I read the other day that "love is of 
 man's life a thing apart, 'tis woman's whole existence." 
 (^Tearfully.) Love's your whole existence, too, isn't it, 
 dear? 
 
 Sam. It's both of us's whole existence, sure. 
 
 Jennie. I'm so glad, Samuel, to hear those consoling 
 words. I shall never forget what you have said, never. 
 
 Sam. Won't it be nice when we have our own nice little 
 home together? 
 
 Jennie. It will be just lovely. It will be ideal ; so 
 poetic, so romantic. 
 
 Sam. I can hardly wait for the time to come. 
 
32 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY 8 
 
 Jennie (coyly). Perhaps we could make it just a lillle 
 sooner, Sam, dear. 
 
 Sam. Just as soon as I get a hundred dollars saved up. 
 I've got sixty-one dollars and tweniy-five cents now and I 
 ain't spending a cent that ain't abs'lutely necessary. 
 
 Jennie. And think of our honeymoon. Maybe we can 
 go over to Squawket and visit the folks. 
 
 Sam, I guess 1 can get three tlays off. 
 
 Pa B. (appearing unexpectedly at door'). Aren't you 
 folks coming out to eat some ice cream and cake with the 
 rest of us ? (He has a dish of ice-cream and is eating vora- 
 ciously.) I'm going to get a second dish before anybody 
 else. 
 
 Jennie. We'll 
 
 Pa B. Mebbe you'd ruther I'd bring it in here. 
 
 Jennie. No, indeed, we'll come right out. 
 
 Sam. We had something important come up. 
 
 Pa B. (doubtfully). Nothing is so important as ice- 
 cream, 'specially when ma makes it. She got it all made 
 and packed without Mary having the slightest idea. 
 
 Voices from Outside. Aren't you folks coming soon ? 
 
 Pa B. In three winks of an eyelash. Come, Sam ; 
 come, Jennie. 
 
 Sam. Can't we slip in quietly, so that they won't know 
 we're here? 
 
 Pa B. Oh, they know, my boy, they know. You can 
 always be sure your sin will find you out. 
 
 Jennie. I don't think you ought to speak that way, Mr. 
 Brinkley. 
 
 Pa B. Mister Brinkley ! Little Miss Dignity — way up 
 on her high horse. Now you can go right through there, if 
 you want to (pointing off l.), but don't figure you can fool 
 that smart bunch in there. 
 
 (Sam rtr;/// Jennie exeunt l., hand in hand. Pa B. looks at 
 them with a gesture as of a blessing, and then follows.) 
 
 (E filer Allen and Mary, c.) 
 
 Allen. Eating ice-cream so fast is bad for the diges- 
 tion, and leaving your company is bad manners — especially 
 at a surprise party. 
 
 Mary. You shouldn't have asked me to do it, then. 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 33 
 
 Allen. 1 didn't ask you to do it then. I asked you to 
 do it now. 
 
 Mary. Brilliance, thy name is Allen Fenby. 
 
 Allen. Besides, 1 have something particular to say to 
 you. 
 
 Mary. Particular? 
 
 Allen. Yes, particular; in fact the most particular 
 thing thei'e is to say, though it isn't anything new. You've 
 known it for a long time. 1 love you, Mary. I've worked 
 hard so that I could take care of you. The time has come 
 when I can. Will you let me? 
 
 Mary {iielighted). Why, Allen ! 
 
 Allen. Yes, look here. (^Takes letter from pocket and 
 opens it for her to read. ) You see, they offer me a hun- 
 dred and fifty a month, and I must give them my answer 
 right away. 
 
 Mary (reading the letter closely). And you must be 
 there by the first of the month. 
 
 Allen {cheerfully). I guess I can make it. Can you? 
 
 Mary. Make it ? 
 
 Allen. Pretty close connections, I know, but we can be 
 married next week 
 
 Mary. Next week, young man ? Do you realize the 
 importance of a girl's trousseau ? Jennie's been sewing a 
 year now, and they haven't issued the invitations yet. 
 
 Allen. Should you be willing if I gave you six months 
 to get ready ? 
 
 Mary. Why, I 
 
 Allen (Jfisistent). Would you ? 
 
 Mary. Yes, I suppose I should. 
 
 Allen {cheerfully). Then you won't let a little thing 
 like a trousseau stand in the way. What day shall we make 
 it — next Thursday ? {Puts his arfn around Mary.) 
 
 {Eftter Mrs. B., c.) 
 
 Mrs. B. Pve been looking for you everywhere. Why, 
 what does this mean ? 
 
 Allen {rising). You know what it generally means. 
 
 Mrs. B. I know what it ought to mean. 
 
 Allen. That's what it does mean, doesn't it, Mary? 
 
 (Mary nods demurely.) 
 
 Mrs. B. Have you asked her pa? 
 
34 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY's 
 
 Allen. Not yet. 
 
 Mrs. B. Well, of course, he's the head of the family. 
 I'll send him out now and I'll try to keep the rest of the 
 folks from getting too inquisitive. 
 
 Allen. 'I'hank you, mother. 
 
 Mary. You lose no time, Allen. 
 
 Mrs. B. If her father does consent, you'll find I'm the 
 kind of mother-in-law you read about in joke-books. 
 
 ^Exit, c.) 
 
 Allen. Just think of it, Mary. Next week, Thursday. 
 
 Mary. Don't be so sure, young man. You haven't 
 seen father, and I don't remember agreeing to Thursday 
 myself. 
 
 (Allen steps to door c.) 
 
 Allen. He's coming now. Mary, dear — you notice 
 that last. So you slip out here {indicating l.) and I'll beard 
 the lion in his den. 
 
 Mary. Don't you dare to refer to pa as a lion. 
 
 Allen. Hurry along now. He's right here. 
 
 {Exit Marv, l.) 
 {Enter Pa B., c.) 
 
 Pa B. Hello, Allen ; ma says to come out here. She 
 didn't say what for, but I'm used to obeying orders. 
 
 Allen. Why, yes, Mr. Brinkley, 1 
 
 Pa B. Call me pa. 
 
 Allen. That's just what I want to do. Mary's willing. 
 
 Pa B. Ho, ho, so that's it, eh ? 
 
 Allen. Yes, sir. 
 
 Pa B. {meditatively). Doin' pretty well, Allen? 
 
 Allen. 1 just received a real good offer. {Opens letter 
 and hands to Pa B.) They're reliable people. 
 
 (Pa B. reads letter carefully.) 
 
 Pa B. You've got to be there by the first of the month, 
 eh ? When do you expect to come back for Mary ? 
 
 Allen. Why, I — that is, we thought we could be mar- 
 ried next week — say Thursday. 
 
 Pa B. Pretty sudden like, isn't it? Was Mary agree- 
 able? 
 
A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY S 35 
 
 Allen. Yes, sir. 
 
 Pa B. Weil, she's always had her own way. I can't 
 find the heart to deny her a thing, and — it might be worse. 
 
 Allen (^laughing). Thank you, sir. 
 
 Pa B. So fur as Thursday goes, 1 guess it's all right. I 
 haven't got any other engagement that I know of. So if 
 her ma says all right, why, 1 won't interpose no objections. 
 
 Allen. I'll take good care of her, sir. 
 
 Pa B. Call me pa. Now, I guess we'd better be gettin' 
 back. Keep your eye on 'J om and Joe. They're apt to 
 feel pretty much cut up about this. 
 
 {Exeunt Pa B. ajid Allen, l.) 
 
 [Enter Tom and Joe, c.) 
 
 Tom. We got to settle this now — to-night. 
 
 Joe. You're right there, Tom. One of us has got to 
 ask Mary to-night. Let the best man have the first chance. 
 
 Tom. After 1 get through with you, you'll be ready for 
 a short cut home. 
 
 Joe. Well, you won't look so awful purty to ask a girl 
 to marry you, 
 
 Tom. Well, come on, let's quit talking. We'll go out 
 behind the barn and settle things once for all. 
 
 Joe. All right ; but 1 warned you, so if you get hurt, it 
 ain't my doing. 
 
 {^Enter u number of the guests, c.) 
 Elmer. Fight, fight ! 
 
 (^Others come in rapidly^ L. and c.) 
 Pa B. Dear me, what is the matter ? 
 
 (Tom and Joe are sullen.') 
 Mrs. B. Come, boys, speak up. What's going on ? 
 
 Tom I (-^^'^^^'O- Nothin' ! 
 
 Pa B. Well, there must 'a' been a good deal of it. 
 
 Joel. They was going to have a scrap. 
 
 Elmer. Let me be the referee. 
 
 Pa B. There's no scrap to-night, boys. 
 
 Tom. ) ,.., . ^ 
 T y 1 nere is, too. 
 
 Joe. f 
 
36 A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLFY'S 
 
 Pa B. Oh, you two boys are going to fight, eh ? Well, 
 what are you going to fight about? (^Both are silent and 
 sullen.^ Come, boys, what's it about? 
 
 Tom. We got to settle matters between us, that's all, 
 man to man. 
 
 Pa B. Matters— eh ? 
 
 Joe. Yes, guess you all know, anyway. It's to settle 
 who's to speak to Mary. 
 
 Pa B. Oh, that's it, eh, boys? Fight's going to settle 
 it, eh ? 
 
 Joe. Only way there is to settle it. 
 
 Pa B. Well, you're just a bit late, boys. 
 
 Tom. ) t ^ :> 
 T^ \ Late? 
 Joe. I 
 
 Pa B. Sure. Mary and Allen are to be married next 
 
 week. What night is it — Mary ? 
 
 Mary {subdued tone). Thursday night. 
 
 (Joe afid Tom groan.) 
 
 Joel. Thursday's an unlucky night to get married. 
 
 Jennie. Thursday unlucky? Sam and I was thinking 
 of Thursday. 
 
 Joel. So are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, 
 Saturday and Sunday. 
 
 Jennie. Shame on you. 
 
 Joe. Honest, pa, do you mean it ? Is Mary going to 
 get married, and not to Tom or me? 
 
 Pa B. She even said it herself. Shake hands with him, 
 boys. 
 
 (Tom and Joe are sullen, but the others lau^h at the?n, and 
 they finally laugh and shake hands with Allen.) 
 
 Joe. Well, this is certainly one on Tom and me. I 
 never thought when I came here that there was going to be 
 such a — such a 
 
 Tom. Such a surprise party at Brinkley's ! 
 
 curtain 
 
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