VlLLIAHVARRm 
 II EDITION 11 
 
 OrSTANDARDPLAYS 
 
 THE 
 
 I^SIliVEU^ 
 SPOON 
 
 VALTER H .DAKER 5? CO. 
 
 N§J • HAMILTON • PLACE 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 "E W 
 
^rite, 50 €entjS ttatly 
 
 THF AMAZONS Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five females. 
 Costumes, modern ; scenery, not difficult. Plays 
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 THE CABINET MINISTER f-f-Four^^ts. Ten males, nine 
 females. Costumes, modern society ; 
 scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 HANDY niCR^ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four females. 
 Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays 
 two hours and a half. 
 
 THF fiAY T ORH flIIFX comedy in Four Acts. Four males, ten 
 " females. CosUimes, modern ; scenery, 
 
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 HIS HftllSF IN ORHFR Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, four 
 females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
 three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THF HORRY HORSF comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five 
 females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. 
 Plays two hours and a half. 
 
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 modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 I AHY ROIINTIFIII ^^^^ ^^ Four Acts. Eight males, seven fe- 
 
 U i< males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, four in- 
 
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 ^ males. Costumes, modern ; scenery complicated. Plays a 
 
 full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
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 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
The Silver Spoon 
 
 A Character Sketch in 
 Four Parts 
 
 By 
 JOSEPH S. JONES 
 
 Revised and Reconstructed 
 
 The professional acting rights of this play are strictly re- 
 served. All persons wishing to produce it publicly and for 
 profit should apply to N. D. Jones in care of the publishers. 
 Free for amateur performance without express permission. 
 
 ^ 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 igii 
 
The Silver Spoon 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mr. Jefferson S. Batkins, me^nber of the 
 
 General Cottrt from Cranberry Centre 
 Ezra Austin, a Boston joiner . 
 Glandon King 
 
 Col. Jerome Splendid Silk . 
 Mr. Simon Feedle, an attorney 
 Tom Pinfeather 
 Mr. Perkins, a merchant 
 Mr. Lath .... 
 
 Mr. Coal . 
 Mr. Pensive Gay 
 
 Cabman 
 
 Bite, a sheriff ' s officer 
 
 Gentlemen, Dancers, Etc., Ramsay, George, 
 
 Sarah Austin, Ezra' s daughter 
 
 Miss Hannah Partridge 
 
 Miss Asia Myrha Greenwood 
 
 Mrs. Careful 
 
 Abby Bacon 
 
 Miss Nightingale . 
 
 Mrs. Chauncey Shady 
 
 Miss Righting 
 
 Mary Wilkins . 
 
 Elleti 
 
 Lizzy 
 
 Ladies, Dancers, Etc., 
 
 Original Cast, 
 
 Boston Museum, 
 
 Feb. 16, 1852. 
 
 William Warren 
 
 W. H. Smith 
 
 J. Davies 
 
 . E. y. Keach 
 
 Mr. Curtis 
 
 C. H. Saunders 
 
 J. L. Munro 
 
 J. P. Price 
 
 Mr. Bradley 
 
 G. H. Finn 
 
 Air. Palmer 
 
 Mr. Adams 
 
 Barrett, Evans, etc. 
 
 Mrs. Wulf Fries 
 
 Mrs. Thoman 
 
 . Aliss Cutler 
 
 Miss Pees 
 
 Miss M. Hart 
 
 Miss F. Wilder 
 
 Mad. Radinski 
 
 . Miss Mason 
 
 . Miss Arvila 
 
 Miss F. Brown 
 
 . Aliss Clarke 
 
 Misses Dow, Christie, Evans, etc. 
 
 NOTE 
 The characters whose names are printed in italics appeared in the 
 original version, as above, but are not included in the present revised 
 version. 
 
 Copyright, 191 i, by NATHANIEL D. JONES 
 
 Free for amateur performance. Professional 
 stage-right res^""""^ 
 
 ©C1.D 
 
 21223 
 
The Silver Spoon 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 [As cast at the last performance of the play in Boston, on the occa- 
 sion of Mrs. y. R- Vincent' s benefit, Saturday evening; April 
 7, 1883.) 
 
 Mr. Jefferson Scattering Batkins, member 
 
 of the General Court from Cranberry Centre . Mr. William Warren 
 Glandon King, a young gentleman of fortune . Mr. George R. Parks 
 Ezra Austin, a Boston joiner . . . Mr. Alfred Hudson 
 
 Col. Jerome Splendid Silk, a speculator . Mr. J. B. Mason 
 Simon Feedle, a lawyer .... Air. J. Burrows 
 
 Tom Pinfeather Air. f. Nolan 
 
 Mr. Francis Perkins Mr. C. A. Warde 
 
 Pensive Gay [not called for by this version) , Mr. Fred P. Ham 
 Biles, a cabman, No. igSs .... Air. W. J. Clark 
 Bite, a sheriff's officer .... Mr. J. S. Alaffit, Jr 
 
 Waiter Mr. M. P. Smith 
 
 Waiters, Dancers, Policemen, etc. 
 Miss Hannah Partridge .... Mrs. J- R. Vincent 
 
 Sarah Austin Miss Nora Bartlett 
 
 Abby Bacon, a girl from Cranberry Centre . Miss Miriam O' Leary 
 Miss Asia Greenwood, a city belle . Miss Gertie Blanchard 
 Miss Nightingale [with song) . . • Aliss Mary Sears 
 
 Mrs. Chauncey Shady Miss May Russell 
 
 Miss Swallow Aliss Hattie Hill 
 
 Miss Righting Miss Alay Whitney 
 
 Miss Bird, of "The Saints' Rest Society" . New in this version 
 
 NOTE 
 
 This cast will be observed to omit entirely a number of characters that 
 figured in the original version ; it represents in all other respects the re- 
 vised version here printed for the first time, save that in the performance 
 to which it relates the scene at " The Saints' Rest " and the character of 
 Miss Bird were omitted to shorten the bill and make room for the short 
 play, " Dreams of Delusion," with which this benefit bill opened. Mr. 
 Pensive Gay, who appears in this cast, has no place in this version, but 
 was borrowed, as will be seen by comparison of casts, from the older ver- 
 sion for this occasion only to swell the total of helpers of the popular Mrs. 
 Vincent by one more name. His modest function was that of a " guest " 
 merely in the <' Society " third act. 
 
COSTUMES 
 (Time 1852) 
 
 Austin. — Dress of a wealthy master carpenter. In first 
 act, old-fashioned brown camlet wrapper, fur trimmed cuffs 
 and collar. Red scarf. White broad brim hat. (Not Quaker.) 
 
 Batkins. — Blue swallow tailed coat, high stiff collar, brass 
 buttons. Yellow vest with metal buttons. Standing shirt 
 collar. Red plaid neck handkerchief. Gray trousers, short 
 but large. Boots or brogans. High crowned old-fashioned 
 black hat. Large watch-chain with seals. Old-fashioned dark 
 overcoat with long skirt and long waist, umbrella, etc. 
 
 Glandon King. — Gentleman's winter walking suit. Second 
 dress. — Full evening suit. 
 
 Silk. — Stylish walking dress, his changes in the extreme of 
 style and good taste. 
 
 Perkins. — Black suit of the times, white cravat. 
 
 Feedle. — Flashy suit, display of jewelry, gold spectacles, 
 etc. 
 
 PiNFEATHER. — Velveteen short cut drab coat, too small, long 
 light vest, black stock, no collar. Military blue pants, tight and 
 short with stripe, white gaiters, bad shoes too large, old fur cap. 
 He is not ragged ; slightly humpbacked. Second dress. — See 
 description in text of play. 
 
 Ladies. — Dresses of the period. 
 
Introduction 
 
 Dr, Joseph Stevens Jones, the author of " The Silver Spoon," and of 
 more than one hundred and fifty other dramas of great popularity in their 
 time, was born in Boston, near the corner of Tremont and Eliot Streets, 
 on Thursday, September 28, 1809, the site of the house being now occu- 
 pied by the Winthrop School. His father was Abraham Jones, a sea cap- 
 tain in the Northwest Coast trade, who was killed by savages on the island 
 of Oonalaska when his boy was only ten years old. Later the family re- 
 moved to the West End, where Dr. Jones died at No. i Bowdoin Street, 
 on Saturday, December 29, 1877. ^^ ^^^ ^ man of strong and energetic 
 character, who grew up with the institutions which marked this city in his 
 generation, and who contributed largely to its interests. Successively an 
 actor, a manager, a playwright, and later in life a physician, he gained dis- 
 tinction in all these callings. For several years he was the city physician 
 and in his social life was actively interested in Odd Fellowship. It was 
 largely through his efforts that the Odd Fellows' Building on Tremont 
 Street was erected. 
 
 Dr. Jones was first and last a Bostonian, always actively interested in 
 anything that pertained to the welfare of his city. Educated in the Bos- 
 ton public schools, he went to work while still a boy in a cordage store 
 and later in the counting-room of a banker. At this time he was much 
 interested in private theatricals and exhibited a marked talent for acting 
 and playwriting. Discovering by accident that the young clerk was an 
 embryo dramatist, the banker, with some other men of position, interested 
 themselves in his behalf, and succeeded in gaining an opening on the 
 stage for the boy in Providence, Rhode Island, where it was arranged for 
 him to appear as Young Nerval in Home's tragedy of "Douglas." The 
 great actress Mrs. Duff was to play Lady Randolph, but when the re- 
 hearsal was called she failed to arrive from New York. The manager, in 
 despair, turned to Jones, who had hardly reached his eighteenth year and 
 asked if the Bostonian could assist in any way, and Jones named sev- 
 eral characters which he could play, among others that of Crack, in " The 
 Turnpike Gate." Crack is a low comedy part with several songs and an 
 opportunity in a duet which many famous comedians have been glad to 
 seize. The Providence manager determined to put the new actor's versa- 
 tility to the test rather than close his house, and so a rehearsal was called. 
 At the performance young Jones proved competent, and the next day the 
 critics spoke well of him, the only objection being that he had evidently 
 endeavored to imitate a comedian who was celebrated in the part. As a 
 matter of fact, the lad had never seen the comedian. 
 
 Returning to Boston the young player was engaged at the Tremont 
 Theatre, remaining there for several years and acting a varied line of 
 
6 INTRODUCTION 
 
 parts. He became a favorite with Boston theatregoers and his dramatiza- 
 tion of " Eugene Aram," which was successful, added to his fame. After 
 some years he went to the Warren, then to the National Theatre, under 
 the management of William Pelby, where he was stage manager, actor, 
 and playwright for many years, besides looking after the financial interests 
 of the house, his sound advice on business matters being invaluable. 
 Play after play from his pen was brought out here, several of which had 
 long runs for those days. He could easily turn off a play on any subject 
 that engaged the attention of the public. In spite of the fact that he was 
 doing all this work for Mr. Pelby, he found time to study surgery and to 
 attend the regular courses of lectures at the Medical School of Harvard 
 University. It was curious, as showing Dr. Jones's avidity for knowledge, 
 as well as work, that while studying medicine he had no intention at that 
 time of adopting it as a profession. 
 
 It was in 1839 that the proprietors of the Tremont Theatre, which for a 
 number of years had not been on a paying basis, offered their house to 
 Dr. Jones. He leased it for four years, with the right to terminate the 
 lease after one-half of the time had expired. The rent was eight thousand 
 dollars for the first year and eighty-five hundred for the succeeding years. 
 On September 2, 1839, the theatre was opened under his management with 
 the comedy of "The Poor Gentleman" and the farce of " The Little 
 Adopted." As was usual at the opening of any theatre in Boston in those 
 days, there was a poetical address, and again as usual Mr. John Gilbert 
 was called on to deliver it. Among the players in the company were Mr. 
 and Mrs. Gilbert, Mr. and Mrs. W. H. Smith, Fanny Jones, George H. 
 Andrews, W. H. Curtis and J. H. Ring, the grandfather of Blanche Ring. 
 Nearly all the prominent stars of the day appeared, including Charles 
 Kean and Edwin Forrest. The season was not very successful, the thea- 
 tre being closed several times. The next year among the stars who ap- 
 peared were Tyrone Power, Vandenhoff th.e elder, and Miss Vandenhoff, 
 Dan Marble, Mr. and Mrs. Wood, tlie famous English opera singers, and 
 the great tenor, John Braham. Fanny Elisler, the advance guard of the 
 theatrical celebrities who have since come to us from France, danced sev- 
 eral nights, receiving $500 per night, an enormous sum for those days. 
 At the close of the season of 1840-41 Dr. Jones relinquished his connec- 
 tion with this theatre, but at the last performance there previous to the oc- 
 cupancy of the building by a religious society he was given a benefit, when 
 "The Poor Gentleman " and " A Lover by Proxy " were acted ; Fanny 
 Jones danced and addresses were made by J. M. Field, the father of Kate 
 Field, and John Gilbert. 
 
 Dr. Jones's last appearance on the Boston stage was at the Tremont 
 Theatre as the Mock Duke in Tobin's long-lived comedy of" The Honey- 
 moon." Shortly after the close of the Tremont he retired altogether from 
 the stage, his final appearances, as far as can be learned, being in two of 
 his own pieces, outside of his native city. As Beladin in " The Surgeon 
 of Paris " he acted at a New York theatre, and as Sam Spangle in " The 
 Siege of Boston " in Philadelphia, those occasions being the only times 
 that he had appeared in those cities. 
 
 Perhaps a short account of a dramatist who, commemorating his fertil- 
 ity and vogue, may well be described as the Clyde Fitch of his day, may 
 interest old-time Boston playgoers who recall with pleasure his play of" The 
 Silver Spoon," which Mr. Warren made famous at the Boston Museum, or 
 
INTRODUCTION 7 
 
 who remember John E. Owens as Solon Shingle in " The People's Law- 
 yer," a character which Dr. Jones created, but which Mr. Owens made 
 his own. 
 
 Just how many plays Dr. Jones had to his credit, he himself could not 
 tell, but a conservative estimate is one hundred and fifty. Many of them 
 were ephemeral, written to order to help out a manager who wanted tl)e 
 playwright's name to fill the house, and nearly all of them were success- 
 ful. Some of them were versions of novels, and others were prize dramas, 
 which brought him ni considerable money. In this latter class were 
 " The Wheelwright," " The Silver Spoon," " Old Job and Jacob Gray "and 
 " The Last Dollar." 
 
 Among his early plays one of the most successful was " Liberty Tree, or 
 the Boston Boys," which was first acted at the little Warren Theatre, on 
 June 17, 1832, with a cast that included some of the most popular Boston 
 players of the day. The author himself took the leading comic part, that 
 of Bill Ball, a Yankee of the type that later became familiar on the 
 stage. 
 
 Others of Dr. Jones's early plays were " The Carpenter of Rouen," 
 "Moll Pitcher," " The Surgeon of Paris," "Captain Kyd " and "The 
 Green Mountain Boy." Some of these pieces crossed the water and met 
 with great success in England, " The Carpenter of Rouen," for instance, 
 running for hundreds of nights and becoming a stock piece in Great 
 Britain. "The Green Mountain Boy" was written for Yankee Hill, and 
 added much to that player's popularity. Other plays were written to order 
 for certain actors, among them a comedy called " Custom " for Mr. W. R. 
 Blake, who played the part of Barney Wright, a low comedy, eccentric 
 character. 
 
 Of all Dr. Jones's long list of titles, "The Silver Spoon, or Our Own 
 Folks: A Joiner's Job in Four Parts," as it was originally described, was 
 the most successful. It satirized neatly and effectively the members of the 
 Great and General Court of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and 
 Mr. Warren's acting of the part of Jefferson Scattering Batkins, who was 
 " agin the Boston klink " in his capacity as member of the General Court 
 from Cranberry Centre, did much to make the play popular. It was 
 brought out at the Museum on February 16, 1852, and ran for three 
 weeks. Before the season closed it was acted another week, and there- 
 after was revived regularly every season for many years, usually as the 
 attraction for some " benefit." The members of the Legislature helped 
 to advertise the piece, for as it was given at the " Orthodox Theatre " of 
 Boston even the most godly of them could attend. Moses Kimball, shrewd 
 manager that he was, kept Dr. Jones busy, and many were the plays which 
 he furnished for the patrons of the Museum. A sequel to " The Silver 
 Spoon," entitled " Batkins at Home, or Life in Cranberry Centre," did not 
 hit the fancy of Mr. Kimball's audiences, but later such plays as " Sons 
 of the Cape" and " Paul Revere and the Sons of Liberty," brought many 
 dollars into the Museum's coffers. 
 
 A notable revival of the old play occurred the week of March 5, 1883, 
 when Mr. Warren was " featured " in his old part, or came as near this 
 distinction as Mr. R. M. Field's somewhat illiberal practice in such mat- 
 ters permitted. It was given throughout the week with the farce 
 "Wanted, 1,000 Milliners" as an afterpiece, and its last performance in 
 Boston took place at the matinee of Saturday, March 10, 1883, the old 
 
8 INTRODUCTION 
 
 policy of this house of giving no performances on Saturday evenings, save 
 an occasional " benefit," being still in force. 
 
 The great popularity of "The Silver Spoon" had led its author to em- 
 body its incidents and characters in the form of a novel which was pub- 
 lished, with a frontispiece of Mr. Warren in its leading character, by A. 
 K. Loring, in 187 1, undertime title of" Life of Jefferson S. Batkins, Member 
 from Cranberry Centre. Written by Himseif." The volume was dedi- 
 cated to Mr. Moses Kimball and Mr. William Warren. Mr. Kimball ac- 
 knowledged a presentation copy of the book in the following letter : 
 
 " Boston Museum, September z^, i8ji. 
 " My dear Doctor : 
 
 " Accept my thanks for a copy of ' Batkins,' which I have read 
 with much pleasure. You have really made a very ingenious narrative 
 and story, and the way you have shown up the shortcomings and intrigues 
 of ' legislators ' indicates a knowledge and discernment of ' the ways that 
 are dark and tricks that are vain ' of modern politicians, that could hardly 
 have been expected from any one not a veteran at the ropes of practical 
 legislation. Yours very truly, 
 
 " Moses Kimball. 
 " To J. S. Jones, M. D." 
 
 After Dr. Jones relinquished the stage he took up the practice of medi- 
 cine, and also gave lectures on anatomy and physiology at Tremont Tem- 
 ple. He was successful as a practitioner and for several years was Char- 
 lotte Cushman's physician. He continued to write plays until he was 
 stricken down by disease, and lingered for more than a year in pain and 
 suffering. His last play, produced March 6, 1876, at the Boston Museum, 
 was entitled " Paul Revere and the Sons of Liberty," and enjoyed an 
 eight weeks' run. One of his three sons, Nathaniel D. Jones, retired 
 from the stage several years ago, having been well known as a comedian 
 in Boston for many years. 
 
 Thanks are due to Mr. John Bouv6 Clapp, from whose admirable arti- 
 cle on Dr. Jones, published in the Boston Transcript of Friday, December 
 30, 1910, this introduction has been condensed, to Mr. J. E. M. Sanford, 
 of the Boston Globe, and to Mr. J. R. Pitman, for many years prompter 
 and stage manager of the Boston Museum, to whom the editor is indebted 
 for help and information. 
 
 March 11, igii. 
 
The Silver Spoon 
 
 ACT I 
 
 Scene. — A comfortable sitting-room, not in modern flashy 
 style. Furniture of a substantial character ; on r. side 
 a fireplace with fender and brass andirons ; ofi opposite 
 side to fireplace an old-fashioned secretary; near to it a 
 table, with plans and books of accounts ; near to the fire- 
 place a work-table. The apartment is enclosed and has 
 windows back opening upon the street. A door of entrance 
 in centre of flat, as if from a hall ; practical doors at 
 either side, R. and l. Upoti the zvalls are pictures, 
 diplomas and a map. At the table near the fireplace 
 Miss Hannah Partridge is discovered knitting. Sarah 
 Austin near the secretary reading a netvspaper. 
 
 LIGHTS full up. 
 
 Sarah. What shall I read next, the marriages ? 
 
 Han. No, I am not interested in such nonsense as the news- 
 papers are filled with nowadays. If people will be foolish, let 
 them. No occasion to publish their folly. 
 
 Sarah. Well, the deaths, then ? 
 
 Han. No, people will die — but they can't help that, and I 
 see no harm in giving notice in a public way ; but, mercy me ! 
 Is there no news ? 
 
 Sarah. Here's something ; I do not know that it will in- 
 terest you. (^Reads.) "In the Scotland, from Liverpool, at 
 New York, cabin passenger, Glandon King, Esq., son of the 
 late Jeremiah King, who has been some time in Europe. His 
 sudden return is occasioned by the recent death of his father, 
 who was well known as one of our wealthiest citizens, somewhat 
 eccentric in manners but noted for his philanthropy and benevo- 
 lent impulses.' 
 
 9 
 
lO THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Han. Oh ! yes, he was a strange man, as odd as an ox. 
 Jerry King. I once — hem ! No matter. 
 
 Sarah. You knew him, then? 
 
 Han. Yes. And this young man, his son, I dare say, will 
 make the money fly when he comes into possession. He will 
 be a nice catch ; lie will just do for that doll, his cousin. 
 
 Sarah. Miss Greenwood ? 
 
 Han. Yes, Miss Greenwood ; or perhaps you will set your 
 cap for him. 
 
 Sarah. I set my cap for Glandon King ? 
 
 Han. Yes; why not? Your father, Mr. Frank Perkins, 
 and Mr. Batkins from the Centre were great cronies when they 
 were young men. I dare say the first thing Mr, Glandon King 
 will do when he arrives here will be to call on your father; 
 then he will see you and you will see him, and what you will 
 do next I don't know. 
 
 Enter Ezra Austin, c. d., with a letter in his hand; he has 
 on an overcoat. He brushes the sno7v from his hat as he 
 enters, assisted by Sarah. 
 
 Austin. Has Mr. Perkins called ? 
 
 Sarah. No, sir. 
 
 Austin. Have you the accounts completed ? 
 
 Sarah. Not quite. 
 
 Austin. Have them all ready. I dare say Mr. Glandon 
 King will be here this evening. Our meeting is for business, 
 but we should receive him hospitably ; that's a matter nobody 
 understands better than you do. 
 
 Han. I should think you were too old to deal in flattery. 
 
 Austin. Oh, Aunt Hannah, we're never too old to tell 
 pleasant truths to the ladies. Mr. Glandon King's compli- 
 ments may please you better than mine. 
 
 Han. Mr. Glandon King will be what they call a lion ; his 
 name will be heard everywhere. What a fixing of bows and 
 crimping of hair there will be among the girls. The old 
 proverb — "born with a silver spoon in his mouth" — that's 
 enough. 
 
 Austin. Being born with a silver spoon in one's mouth 
 does not always ensure comfort and happiness in life. It de- 
 pends a good deal how you handle the spoon. Talking of 
 spoons, Sarah, look in my coat pocket {examining pockets, 
 taking out papers, etc.)— -yes, in my overcoat, Sarah. An odd 
 one 'tis, too. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON II 
 
 Sarah. What ! A spoon in your pocket, father ? 
 
 Austin. No, a letter. (Sarah goes to the coat, takes a 
 letter from the pocket after searching and hajids it to Austin.) 
 You may read this, Hannah ; it is from an old friend of yours 
 from the Centre. (^He gives letter to Han., who is engaged in 
 opening it. Austin, turning to Sarah, who is at the secre- 
 tary.^ If the workmen come with their bills when I am away, 
 send them into the shop. When a job is done the bills should 
 be paid. Saturday night and no pay takes the pride out of a 
 journeyman mechanic. He don't feel like a man, to go to the 
 baker's for bread or the butcher's for meat without money, or 
 have his landlady put his board bill under his plate with noth- 
 ing to give her. 
 
 Exit, c. D. to R. 
 
 Han. I can't find my glasses. Sarah, ybu read the letter. 
 (Sarah takes the letter and is reading it, partly concealing her 
 mirth.^ What are you laughing at, child ? If there is any fun 
 in it let me have my share; read it aloud. Who is it from? 
 
 Sarah. From one of your old admirers. Aunt Hannah. 
 Mr. Batkins, a beau of yours, as I have heard. 
 
 Han. Batkins my beau I Nonsense ! Well, let's hear what 
 he's got to say about things at the Centre. I should like to 
 catch him admiring me ; but, Sarah, is the letter really from 
 Mr. Batkins ? 
 
 (Sarah turns the letter and shows it to Han.) 
 
 Sarah. There's the name, Aunt Hannah. I suppose he 
 wrote it. 
 
 Han. I don't want to see his name ; you can read it. 
 
 (Han. is engaged in knitting and stops and listens, knits fast 
 or slow, as the contents of the letter affect her, as Sarah 
 reads.^ 
 
 Sarah (reading). "Cranberry Centre, December, 1857, 
 Anni Dominoes." (Speaks.) Anni Dominoes! Aunt, how 
 is that for your beau's Latin and grammar ? 
 
 Han. No matter for grammar ; we know what he means. 
 He didn't go to school all his days as people's children do 
 nowadays. 
 
 Sarah (reading). " Anni Dominoes, December, 1857. 
 Friend Austin : — I expect to be in your city first of January to 
 stay a considerable spell of time, as my feller townsmen have 
 
12 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 chose me representative in the Gineral Court of {locally which 
 meets in {local^ City State House. I have sent a quantity of 
 axe handles, hoop poles, and poultry, which I should like to 
 dispose of when I have nothing to do in the State House for 
 my feller citizens. Between ourselves, friend Austin, I'm no 
 politician ; I belong to the Honest Men's Independent party 
 and go for the dollars per diem, as Squire Feedle used to call it. 
 I can learn my duty to my country as I go along, and do some 
 little chores for myself and relations. Likewise, speaking of 
 relations, how is Hannah Partridge ? Is she staying at your 
 house now? I heard she was." 
 
 Sarah {speaking). That shows, Aunt Hannah, what he's 
 thinking about. 
 
 Han. Has he writ my name there ? 
 
 Sarah. Yes, aunt. Hannah Partridge — there it is in large 
 letters, a little crooked — his hand trembled, agitated at old 
 reminiscences. 
 
 {Shows letter ; Han. looks at it a little excited^ 
 
 Han. Read on. I don't want to see his name. 
 
 Sarah {reading). "You know, friend Austin, when we 
 were both young men, I rather tried a leetle to make a hitch 
 with Hannah Partridge; so did Jerry King, but she gin us 
 both the mitten, I suppose." 
 
 Han. Did anybody ever hear ! Why — the man's a fool to 
 write such nonsense to your father about me. {Excited and 
 knitting very fast ; after a pause. ^ Is that all ? Such impu- 
 dence. 
 
 Sarah. No; but I supposed you didn't care to hear any 
 more read. 
 
 Han. Oh, yes ; I should like to hear about the State House. 
 
 Sarah {reading). " I am a bachelor yet. I s'pose Hannah 
 knows that, sure as I know that she is an old maid, and I 
 wonder at it; but she don't know that I am a member of the 
 Gineral Court. So if you have a spare room in your house, I 
 should like to make an offer to put up with you while the 
 session lasts if Hannah and your daughter are willing. I know 
 how it is about the women folks, if they agree. I can kill two 
 birds with one stone." 
 
 Sarah. What does he mean by that, Aunt Hannah ? 
 
 Han. I don't know, I'm sure. I'm not one of the birds; 
 is that all ? 
 
 Sarah. Oh, no ! {Reads.) " You can have some of the 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 1 3 
 
 poultry on account of my board and lodging in advance if you 
 want to. Hoping to find you all well, I am your obedient 
 humble servant, Jefferson S. Batkins, Member from Cranberry 
 Centre.". {Speaks.') Well, aunt, your old beau is really 
 coming. 
 
 Han. I wouldn't be foolish, Sarah; Batkins is no beau of 
 mine. 
 
 Sarah. Here's something else — a P. S. on the next page. 
 I don't think father saw it. {Reads.) "Friend Austin, you 
 needn't show this to Hannah Partridge, nor hint on my views, 
 till we meet and 1 can see which end of the stick is up with 
 Miss Partridge; myself as before, J. S. B." 
 
 Han. I'll let him know which end of the stick is up; give 
 me that letter, Sarah — I'll put it in the fire. 
 
 Sarah. No, aunt, father can do that. 
 
 Enter Austin, c. d. Sarah gives him the letter. She goes 
 to the secretary ; is engaged in tvriting. Han., in a pas- 
 sion,, does not observe the entrance of Austin. 
 
 Austin. Well, Hannah, how about our old neighbor, Bat- 
 kins? 
 
 Han. He wants to know which end of the stick is up, does 
 he? {Ttirning around, she sees Austin.) Oh! What did 
 you say about Mr. Batkins ? 
 
 Austin. Why, you have read his letter; you know what he 
 wants, and you will try and make him comfortable while he 
 stays with us. 
 
 Han. Yes. If you say so, I'll make him comfortable, of 
 course, and he'll find out which end of the stick is up with Miss 
 Partridge. The old Satan. 
 
 Austin. It will be quite like old times, won't it, Hannah? 
 As Batkins said in his letter (^laughing), worse men than Bat- 
 kins in the world. 
 
 Han. I hope no allusion will be made to any insinuations as 
 regards myself in Mr. Batkins' letter, for nowadays folks will 
 say what they please, even if persons are as circumspect and 
 upright as the minister. 
 
 Austin. Nonsense ! don't be prudish, Hannah ; what do 
 you care what folks say ? You did rather take to Batkins once, 
 and s'pose you should make a match, and become the wife of 
 the member from Cranberry Centre, I should say 
 
 (Mr, Jefferson S. Batkins heard outside i.. c.) 
 
H THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 NOISE and scuffle outside L. 
 
 Bat. {outside l. c). Darn your skin, you critter, I won't 
 pay you a cent. (Bat. enters c. d., his hat and coat covered 
 with snow, his umbrella under his arm. He is followed by 
 Cabman, who has hold of an old fashioned carpetbag. Han. 
 IS near the fireplace, Sarah writing at the secretary ; Austin 
 advances to meet Bat. A pause.) I tell you, I won't pay you 
 the value of a cent. How do you du, Mr. Austin ? This feller 
 townsman of yourn won't give up my carpetbag and things 
 without I gin him a dollar; how is it about that? Is that 
 rulable ? 
 
 Austin. My friend, I am glad to meet you. We'll see. 
 {To Cabman.) Did my friend ride in your carriage? 
 
 Cabman. Of course he did. All I want is my fare. Gen- 
 tleman is a stranger, I suppose, not used to things. 
 
 Bat. I s'pose I did ride a piece in his tarnel old wagin; 
 'twas snowing some, but 'twasn't worth a dollar, by Jonah. 
 
 Austin. Well, I suppose he is entitled to his fare, Batkins. 
 Here. (7'^ Cabman.) A little mistake on your part; half a 
 dollar. {He gives Cabman money.) 
 
 Cabman. All right, sir ; I only want the right thing, you 
 knovy. The gentleman didu't understand our ways, that's all. 
 {Aside.) If I catch that old greeny out some night, I'll give 
 him a ride. 
 
 Exit, c. D. L. 
 
 Bat. Well, my friend, I'm glad to see you. I'll tell you 
 about this. You see I got out at the depot and more than fifty 
 of these fellers tackled on tu me and asked me tu ride. This 
 one says: "I know him; I'm going right up your way, sir." 
 He took my carpetbag and we traveled a piece to a carriage. 
 I told him I was a member to the Gineral Court. " I know it ; 
 I was looking for you," says he. "You ain't going to the 
 Revere this time." I told him, " No, I'm going to friend Ezra 
 Austin's." " Yes," says he, " I know him ; that's where I am 
 going to carry you ; " and he pushed me into his carriage. I'll 
 make a law agin cabmen the first thing I do. How much did 
 you pay him, friend Ezra? 
 
 Austin. Oh ! his fare, of course ; half a dollar. 
 
 Bat. The skunk ! half a dollar ! Friend Ezra, he earned 
 that a darned sight quicker than I could, but I'll settle with 
 you. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 15 
 
 Austin. Make yourself comfortable ; let me assist you with 
 the coat. 
 
 (Bat. is trying to get it off ; Austin assists him.) 
 
 Bat. Thank you kindly, the overcoat is a leetle tight; 
 does not come off readily. {IVith one arm still in the coat 
 sleeve he turns to Austin.) How did my axe handles and 
 hoop poles get along ? 
 
 Austin. All right. Sarah, assist Mr. Balkins. 
 
 (Sarah leaves the secretary ; Austin places the coat on a 
 
 chair.) 
 
 Sarah. Shall I take your hat, sir ? 
 (Bat. gives her the hat after brushing and putting it in shape.) 
 
 Bat. Much obleged to you, miss. 
 
 Austin. My daughter, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. I want tu know if this is your leetle darter Sarah. 
 My, she didn't used to be much bigger than a porridge pot. 
 Now she's grown up to be a nice young lady. 
 
 (Zr<f kisses her and pats her head.) 
 
 Austin. Here's another old acquaintance, Mr. Batkins. 
 Hannah, I need not introduce you. 
 
 (Han. comes demurely from the table knitting.) 
 
 Bat. Why, Miss Patridge ! How du you du ? Why, you 
 have grown so plump I don't know as I sliould have known 
 
 you — plump as a Patridge. You {He takes her hand ; 
 
 she withdraws it.) What's the matter; did I squeeze it a 
 leetle too hard? Well, it's kinder natural. I was so glad to 
 see you. 
 
 Han. I hope you have been well, sir. 
 
 (Bat. goes to fireplace R. Warms his heels, etc.) 
 
 Bat. Nicely, I thank you. Now, Miss Patridge, did you 
 think I should rise up to be a representative of the Gineral Court 
 from old Cranberry Centre ? Did you, now ? 
 
 Han. I cannot say that I did. How are all your family at 
 the Homestead ? 
 
 Bat. What the dogs are you talking about, Hannah? 
 
1 6 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 {She looks at him forbiddingly J) Miss Patridge ? How should 
 I have a family ? I hev never married. 
 
 Han. How was I to know that, Mr. Batkins ? 
 
 Bat. I should hev invited you to the wedding. Jerry got 
 married, and his son, they say, is going to be one of the smart- 
 est men the country ever produced ; he'd been your son, just 
 as like as not, if you had married Jerry. 
 
 Han. Didn't want him, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. Nor me nuther. Hem ! Miss Patridge, are you 
 courted now, or anything bordering on it? 
 
 Han. No, sir ! Mr. Batkins, what do you mean ? 
 
 Bat. I shall stay here while the Legislature sticks together, 
 and if nothin's happened the last ten years to prevent it, I 
 should Uke to begin courting just where we left off. 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins ! You are too old to talk such nonsense 
 to me. 
 
 (^'-^^f turns aivay from Bat. Austin and Sarah have been en- 
 gaged during the dialogue at the secretary ; coming down 
 they meet Han. Bat. stands with his back to the fireplace 
 warming himself?) 
 
 Austin. Hannah ! Mr. Batkins has traveled some dis- 
 tance; I dare say he would like some refreshments. 
 
 Han. Would you like a cup of tea and some toast, Mr. 
 Batkins ? 
 
 Bat. Well, yes. I rather think I should like a cup of tea. 
 
 Han. Black or green ? 
 
 Bat. a leetle of both mixed. I don't want to pester you 
 too much, Miss Patridge; can't you give us some of those flap- 
 jacks with molasses on um that you used to make ? I don't 
 s'pose there is any objection to a member of the Gineral Court 
 eating flapjacks and molasses ? 
 
 Han. Not the slightest ; you shall have a cup of tea made 
 right in an old-fashioned earthen teapot; none of your new- 
 fangle notions. If I can make anything, it's fritters, or flap- 
 jacks, as you call them. 
 
 Bat. I don't care about your old-fashioned earthen teapot, 
 but give us the flapjacks. 
 
 Han. Sarah, come and assist me. 
 
 Sarah. With pleasure, aunt. 
 
 (^They exeunt together, d. r. Bat. watches them off ; is much 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 17 
 
 elated ; leaves the fireplace and goes to Austin, slapping 
 him on the shoulder.') 
 
 Bat. Ezra, now the women folks are gone, I want to have 
 a leetle talk with you. You didn't expect to live to see the 
 day that I should come to the great city a member of the 
 Gineral Court from Cranberry Centre, did you now ? 
 
 Austin. Jeff, I must say 1 did not. 
 
 Bat. Great responsibility ; 1 e'en a'most backed out when 
 they told me I was chosed in. I thought on it a leetle mite. 
 "By thunder," says I, "if Peleg McStaggsbry can go for 
 Beetborough Plains, why shouldn't 1 go for Cranberry Centre ? " 
 And here I am out of patriotic motives, and not for the dollars 
 " per diem " per day. 
 
 Austin. I hope you will deserve and enjoy the honor. 
 
 Bat. I hope I shall. What does this "per diem" mean, 
 friend Ezra ? 
 
 Austin. It means for the day. A Latin phrase. 
 
 Bat. " Per diem " means the day. Oh, yes, I see. 
 
 Austin. Do you come with instructions from your con- 
 stituents ? 
 
 Bat. Yes. First, last and always to vote agin the city 
 members. Ezra, you always was a scholar in some things, 
 particularly spelling; how is the proper way to talk this" word? 
 \Looks at a paper that he takes from his pocket, spelling slowly 
 and looking at the paper occasionally?) C-1-i-q-u-e. Yes, I 
 guess it's so. {Runs over the letters again.) 
 
 Austin. Clique. Pronounced as if it were spelt kleek. 
 
 Bat. Yes, that's it. There is a city klink — kleek — that 
 votes together. I am bound to make a speech agin this city 
 klink. I have borrowed the Jefferson's Manual from the town 
 clerk, and I got the schoolmaster to show me a leetle how to 
 make a speech. I gin him a barrel of cider for his part of the 
 job. 
 
 Austin. Never too old to learn. But, Jeff, among the city 
 clique, as you call it, there are many able men. 
 
 Bat. Real smart fellers in that klink? I s'pose so. Take 
 the hair right off your head to hear some of them, if they git 
 their dander up. I'll look out and be on their side. 
 
 Austin. You can't do that with a clique )'ou are instructed 
 to oppose. 
 
 Bat. Well, I must feel my way along. S'pose you hear a 
 leetle of my speech while Hannah is frying the flapjacks. 
 
1 8 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Austin. Upon what question will you make this speech ? 
 
 Bat. Oh, most any question. The city klinks are opposed 
 to all questions that's good for the agricultural deestricts, but I 
 have something to say about Cuba, panic, woman's rights, a 
 leetle touch on rum, slantin' a leetle to both sides, because our 
 town is about ekally divided on the liquor question. (Bat. 
 takes out his written speech, a number of pages covered with 
 soiled brown paper.') I begin, you see : "Mr. Speaker, I did 
 not intend to make a speech at this time, not having made any 
 piece to speak, but when them klinks ' ' 
 
 Austin. Stop ! Stop ! My friend, as it is already written, 
 how can you say that ? 
 
 Bat. It's parlimentary ; I shall keep it in my pocket so they 
 won't see it. {Resumes.) " As I belong to no klinks " 
 
 Austin. Clique, neighbor. 
 
 Bat. Yes, klinks; that word does pester me. "I rise to 
 say " 
 
 Enter Sarah and Han., d. r. 
 
 Han. Your supper is ready, Mr, Batkins. 
 
 Bat. Supper ! Hear a leetle of my speech first. '* Mr. 
 
 Speaker 
 
 Han. The fritters will be cold, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. <' Mr. Speaker " Fritters! What's fritters ? 
 
 Han. a name for what some folks call flapjacks. 
 
 Bat. "Mr. Speaker " Flapjacks are not good cold. 
 
 What do you say, friend Ezra ? 
 
 Austin. I agree with you. 
 
 Bat. "Mr. Speaker! (Takes out Jefferson^ s Manual 
 and opens it at a place apparently marked.) Mr. Speaker ! 
 I make amotion and second itj it's in order, according to 
 Jefferson's Manual. Mr. Speaker ! I move we proceed to the 
 dining-room to consider and report upon the question of flap- 
 jacks and molasses." 
 
 Austin. Come, Sarah. Hannah, attend to Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Exeunt Sarah and Austin, d, r. 
 
 Han. This way to the dining-room, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. Miss Patridge, after supper, if you are not engaged, I 
 should like to read my speech to you, and then, Miss Patridge, 
 say something 
 
 Han. The tea and the flapjacks will be cold, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. (aside). I wonder if any city feller is courting her. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON I9 
 
 If I was sure that nobody was looking, I would put the previous 
 question. {To Han.) Now for the flapjacks and molasses. 
 
 Exeunt, with ceremony, D. R. 
 
 Enter Mr. Simon Feedle, c. d., cautiously. 
 
 Fee. Ah ! he is here. Somebody is here. Overcoat, 
 carpetbag, umbrella — that's not the style of luggage a young 
 gentleman just arrived from Europe and heir to a large fortune 
 would travel with. {Opens umbrella.^ Shaky ! What's this? 
 {Reads.) "Do not steal this. J. S. B." These are not the 
 initials of Glandon King. {Looks at carpetbag; reads.) 
 "J, S. Batkins, Cranberry Centre." Oh! He's here; time 
 enough to see him. {Looking about cautiously, goes to secre- 
 tary, examines papers.) What's this? Estate of Jeremiah 
 King ; schedule for Mr. Glandon King. 
 
 {He is busy tvith papers. Austin enters d. r. ; sees Fee. 
 Fee. turns around with papers in his hand ; seeing 
 Austin, he puts them on the table. Austin seizes his 
 hand. ) 
 
 Fee. Ah, Mr. Austin, I came to see you on business. I 
 was waiting for you, and while I was waiting I was amusing 
 myself. 
 
 Austin. With your hands full of ray papers. 
 
 Fee. I saw by the newspapers that Mr. Glandon King had 
 arrived. I called to see if he had been here, and seeing his 
 name on a paper I was reading it and admiring the chirography 
 of your clerk 
 
 Austin. Yes, sir. What business have you with me ? 
 
 Fee. I will state my views directly. I see our old friend 
 Batkins is with you. 
 
 Austin. He is. 
 
 Fee. He sometimes wants advice. I'll give him some for 
 nothing. 
 
 Austin. Generally that's about as much as your advice is 
 worth. 
 
 Fee. You are severe on lawyers. I should like an intro- 
 duction to Mr. Glandon King. Not for professional reasons. 
 Will you introduce me ? 
 
 Austin. If he is willing to know you, I will introduce you. 
 
 Fee. Some mystery — a boy in the case; I have made a 
 discovery. 
 
20 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Austin. You are famous for discovering mysterious cases. 
 This time I hope you do not count the eggs in the mare's nest 
 you have discovered. (Mr. Perkins enters c. d. with a 
 packet, accompanied by Glandon King.) Glandon, my lad, 
 I am glad to see you with us again, though I regret the cause 
 of your return. {^He offers his hand ; King takes it.) 
 
 King. I thank you ; I am ready to proceed to business at 
 your convenience. 
 
 (Fee. has retired up out of the way.) 
 
 Austin. Be seated, gentlemen. (^He takes trunk from 
 desk or safe.) We are ready now, sir. 
 
 {The party arrange themselves, Perk, and Austiij at the table, 
 King at a distance. Perk, produces an envelope ifi which 
 is a will.) 
 
 Perk. Mr. King, I hold in my hand a sealed packet, thus 
 endorsed : "Will of Jeremiah King, to be kept in possession 
 of Francis Perkins, to be delivered to my son, Glandon King, 
 if he is alive at my decease. If not, let it be opened by the 
 proper authority." Will you break the seal? 
 
 King. Proceed, sir. Open and read it; do not occupy 
 time with any unnecessary formalities. 
 
 (Perk, opens envelope and removes the will. Fee. at side 
 door umioticed.) 
 
 Perk, (reading). " Article second. I give and bequeath 
 all my real and personal estate, after paying all lawful debts and 
 charges, and legacies hereafter named, to Francis Perkins, Ezra 
 Austin, Jefferson S. Batkins, in trust, until the parties claim it, 
 under the conditions hereafter named, to endow a college for 
 the education of deserving young men for commercial life ; and 
 to give such of them the advantage of a liberal education at 
 European universities, when superior intellectual culture is 
 deemed advisable by the trustees." A strange bequest, Mr, 
 King. 
 
 King. Proceed, sir. 
 
 Perk, (reading). " My beloved son, Glandon King, has, 
 during my lifetime, had the benefit of my ability to give him 
 this education and the intercourse with the world and knowledge 
 of mankind to be obtained by foreign travel. He will require 
 no aid from my estate and will, I trust, cooperate with my 
 trustees in securing the success of my design," 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 81 
 
 King. I shall do so. 
 
 Perk, (t-eading). " I give to him the contents of a case left 
 in the possession of Ezra Austin ; for this purpose it is sealed ; 
 the motto of the seal is : ' Know thyself.' I trust he will make 
 good use of the contents of the case." 
 
 Austin. Here it is, sealed as I received it. 
 
 Perk, {reading). " I desire this case to be opened in pres- 
 ence of all the trustees of my will, if they be living, and all 
 persons present to attest the same in writing that the record 
 may be complete. ' ' 
 
 King. Where is the third trustee ? 
 
 Austin. He is fortunately in the next room. I will inform 
 him and other members of my family, that this procedure may 
 be witnessed by all. 
 
 Exit Austin, d. r. King rises , goes to the table and takes 
 
 the case. 
 
 King. Mr. Perkins, it appears I have no further concern 
 with that document; you will see that the legacies are paid and 
 other matters attended to in legal form. My fortune is here. 
 The motto I will study : " Know thyself." 
 
 Enter Austin, d. r.. Bat., Han., and ^k^ko. following, 
 
 Austin. Mr. Batkins — Mr. Glandon King. 
 
 (Bat., eating, puts napkin in his pocket.) 
 
 King. I am happy to know you, sir. 
 
 Bat. Happy to make your acquaintance. {Aside to 
 Austin.) You didn't tell him I was the member from Cran- 
 berry Centre ; does he know it ? 
 
 Austin. It is not necessary. My daughter, Mr. King. 
 
 King. Miss Austin, I have not forgotten you. 
 
 Sarah. Nor have I forgotten you, sir. 
 
 Austin. Here, aunt — Miss Partridge. 
 
 King. I am pleased to meet you. Miss Partridge. 
 
 Han. Oh, sir. {Aside.) How handsome he is. 
 
 Bat. {aside). Yes, and if you had taken Jerry, you might 
 have been his mother. 
 
 King. Sir, your presence is necessary to the fulfilment of 
 one of the conditions of my father's will. Break the seal, sir, 
 that we may all know what the case contains. 
 
 Bat. What does that mean ? 
 
22 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Austin. You are one of the trustees of the will. 
 
 Bat. Sho, you — am I a trustee of Jerry King's will? 
 Trustee 1 I should as soon thought of being governor of the 
 state. 
 
 {^He breaks the seal ; the case is opened and a slip of paper is 
 taken out. He gives it to King, who hands it to Sarah.) 
 
 King. Will Miss Austin tell me what it means ? 
 
 Sarah {reading). "To be engraved upon the emblem of 
 the fortune of Glandon King. ' Whoever is content with little, 
 shall have much.' " 
 
 King (smiling). I am content with anything ; give me my 
 fortune. 
 
 (Bat. takes from the case an oldfashioned, heavy-chased silver 
 spoon. He hands it to King, who takes it.) 
 
 Bat. a silver spoon. 
 
 (Fee. has gradually advanced during the scene.) 
 
 Fee. (Jo King). Break the will. 
 
 King. My legacy ! A silver spoon. Ladies and gentle- 
 men, congratulate me. 
 
 Austin. Mr. King, the ladies of the house have prepared a 
 welcome repast on the occasion of your return to your native 
 land, and, as we supposed, your accession to a fortune. Your 
 father's will has surprised us all, but our welcome and friend- 
 ship for you will be the same, and we congratulate you on your 
 manly acquiescence with your father's plans. 
 
 King. I shall be pleased to accept your hospitality, and re- 
 quest your daughter, for the present, to retain in her keeping 
 my fortune. 
 
 (^He approaches Sarah with the spoon and case. Austin 
 whispers to Han., who exits d. r.) 
 
 Sarah. If you wish, sir, I will. 
 
 King. I do ; and if Miss Austin pleases, I should be most 
 happy to share it with her and all that I may hereafter possess. 
 
 Sarah (hesitatingly). Sir, if I understand you 
 
 King. I am sure you do. I love you, Miss Austin ; tell 
 me if I deserve you — if you will be my wife ? 
 
 ( The characters are talking together during the dialogue. Bat. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 2% 
 
 looking over his carpetbag, removing articles, placing them 
 on a chair, emptying the pockets of his coat, etc., etc.) 
 
 Sarah. Not for your fortune — that, great or small, would 
 not impress or influence me ; but for yourself — ^I answer, yes. 
 King. I thank you. Miss Austin. {They converse together.') 
 
 Enter Han., d. r. 
 
 Han. Now, if you please, gentlemen, all is ready. 
 Austin. Sarah, you will show Mr. King the way; my 
 friends, will you follow ? Mr. Batkins, will you join ? 
 
 Exeunt Sarah and King, d. r. 
 
 Bat. Why, I am full of flapjacks and molasses now. I 
 have had one supper. 
 
 Austin. Oh, this is another affair. 
 
 Bat. Well, Ezra, I should like to put my things where I'm 
 going to sleep; then I'll join you. 
 
 Austin. Hannah, will you assist Mr. Batkins, and show 
 him to his room ? 
 
 Han. Certainly, with pleasure. 
 
 {The characters have, durifig this scene, follo7ved ?)kV.kYi and 
 King. Austin exits after them, d. r. Han, goes to 
 Bat.) 
 
 WARN ctiftain. 
 
 Bat. {opening his umbrella). Yes, that's right; you take 
 that, Miss Patridge. I'll take the coat and the bag; these are 
 too heavy for you. {Laughs.) By Jonah ! I forgot one 
 thing. {Takes out a pair of foivls from the bag.) A sample 
 of my poultry ; no use carrying them to my room. Shanghai 
 chickens. 
 
 Han. {taking them) . Chickens? Old hens. 
 
 RING coftain. 
 
 Bat. No more old hens than you be, by Jonah. (Exeunt 
 D. R., disputing.) Chickens! 
 Han. Old hens ! 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN 
 
24 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 ACT II 
 Scene I. — A room in a hotel. 
 
 Enter Fee. and King together, d. l. King has a card in 
 
 his hand. 
 
 LIGHTS full up. 
 
 King. Your name is Simon Feedle ? 
 
 Fee. Yes, sir. 
 
 King. And you were a friend of my father ? 
 
 Fee. Yes, sir, and would be to his son. I am a counselor 
 at law, 291^ Quibbleston Square; can give you good refer- 
 ences, sir. The trustees of your father's singular will — know 
 them all, sir. Perkins, Austin and Batkins. 
 
 King. I don't know that at present I need legal advice; 
 when the emergency arises, I shall select a counselor. 
 
 Fee. That spoon will can't stand. As I advised you to, 
 break it, sir. It can be done ; I can do it. 
 
 King. No, sir; 'tis my father's will, and it must stand. 
 
 Fee. Old Brand, since dead, drew up that will. I was in 
 his ofifice. I copied it. Your father's last will was a different 
 sort of paper, sir. Contest this one. 
 
 King. Distinctly no, sir. 
 
 Fee. If you will not secure justice to yourself, would you 
 prevent other persons interested from securing their rights ? 
 
 King. I would not willingly do so. 
 
 Fee. There is another will ; in that I remember something 
 like these words : "I give all of my estates, real, personal, 
 and mixed, to my elder son, whom I have not hitherto acknowl- 
 edged, one-half. To my son Glandon King, the other half." 
 There was a report of a previous left-handed marriage, or 
 something of that sort, which was hushed up, you know. So 
 this son — you — see 
 
 King. If your hushed-up story is true, this elder brother's 
 rights are equal with mine. 
 
 Fee. Yes, if he was a brother, "over the left," you know. 
 
 King. If I understand you rightly, he would still be my 
 father's son, and should lose nothing by acts over which he 
 had no control. Where is that will ? 
 
 Fee. Not yet discovered. 
 
 King. Where is my elder brother ? 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 2$ 
 
 Fee. He can be produced at a day's notice. 
 
 King. Is the person who calls himself Colonel Silk, the 
 gentleman I saw you in conversation with as I entered, the son 
 of my father by the first wife? ( IVith meaning.) 
 
 Fee. Oh, no, sir ; quite a different person. Silk is a capi- 
 talist, about to be made more wealthy by a marriage with the 
 great heiress, Miss Asia Greenwood, a sort of half cousin to the 
 lady to whom I understand you are to be married. 
 
 King. You appear to be well informed in my affairs. 
 
 Fee. Part of our business is to be well informed in the 
 family matters of our clients. Professional prerogatives. Physi- 
 cians, clergymen, and lawyers hold confidential relations not 
 permitted to other parties, by the consent of society . 
 
 King. Indeed ! 
 
 Fee. Yes, sir. Colonel Silk will be socially connected with 
 your family when the marriage takes place. 
 
 King. Perhaps so. Mr. Feedle, my business affairs are in- 
 trusted to two of the gentlemen you have named — Mr. Perkins 
 and Mr. Austin. When you discover the last will, you can 
 place it in the hands of either of those gentlemen. Good-day, 
 sir. {Turns away from him.') 
 
 Fee. (aside). How coolly he takes things. There is a will, 
 or there ought to be. Silk's chances are better than Pin- 
 feather's; I must hunt up the Colonel. 
 
 Exit, D. L. 
 
 Enter Bat. 
 
 Bat. Ah, Mr. King, I am glad I happened to meet you. 
 
 King. I am happy to meet Mr. Batkins. Can I be of any 
 service to him ? 
 
 Bat. They tell me you are a great scholar. 
 
 King {with a shrug). Oh, no; they flatter me, Mr. 
 Batkins. 
 
 Bat. I want you to give me an idea of about what I must 
 larn to be up to them klinks and be fit for a legislator in the 
 State House. 
 
 King. I can give you my ideas of what is essential in 
 legislation. 
 
 Bat. I will be obleeged to you if you will. 
 
 King. A legislator ought to be an honest man. 
 
 Bat. Well, I'm moderately so ; no cheating in me. 
 
 King. He should know something of ancient and modern 
 
26 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 history, past and contemporaneous legislation of other countries, 
 and understand the principles of national, state and municipal 
 law, and the many theories of finance ; he ought to be well 
 read in the geography of the world. 
 
 Bat. Yes ; a man like that ought to go to the head of the 
 class. 
 
 King. Oh, no. If he aspired to a leading position, he 
 should beside have studied logic, rhetoric, the languages, 
 living and dead, the civil and criminal codes and be conversant 
 with current literature and the dramatic art ; with these, aided 
 by cultivated elocution, he might impress those less gifted with 
 his fascinating eloquence and effective massing of facts. 
 
 Bat. These are great gifts of natur. 
 
 King. They are not all gifts of nature, but the result of 
 application and study. 
 
 Bat. My predecessor. Squire Seth Spring, was rather one 
 of the head ones. 
 
 King. I have heard he was a fine scholar, a good debater, 
 and early won his spurs among the war-horses of the political 
 field. 
 
 Bat. Won spurs ! With war-horses ? How is that, Mr. 
 King? 
 
 King. Figures of rhetoric, sir. 
 
 Bat. Well, then, if I am to ride war-horses up to the State 
 House, I'd better get me a pair of spurs. 
 
 King. The mantle of your predecessor may fall on you, 
 and I hope you will wear it gracefully. 
 
 Bat. Did Seth Spring wear a mantle up to the State House ? 
 
 King. In a rhetorical sense only. 
 
 Bat. Mr. King, who was that warrior in ancient history 
 that talked agin Cat-i-lin-i-so'^ {Spells it?) 
 
 King. Cicero, I suppose you mean ; he was a great orator. 
 
 Bat. The greatest feller for speeches the world ever saw, 
 I've hearn tell. 
 
 King. Among the Romans he was held in high repute, as 
 was Demosthenes among the Greeks. 
 
 Bat. That's the man I read about ; self-made orator — eh, 
 Mr. King ? 
 
 King. Self-taught, Mr. Batkins. He had an impediment 
 in his speech, yet, in the popular language of the day and by 
 his fierce eloquence, made Philip tremble. 
 
 Bat. Made Philips tremble, did he ? 
 
 King. Yes ; he was terrible to tyrants. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 2/ 
 
 Bat. Who was Philips? (Aside.) One of the klinks, I 
 s'pose. 
 
 King. Philip was king of Macedon. 
 
 Bat. And this Mr. Demosthenes took the stump agin him 
 and beat him, if he did stutter a leetle ? 
 
 King. Not exactly that, but by hard work he overcame the 
 difficulty. He went, it is said, to the seashore, and filling his 
 mouth with pebbles he declaimed to the waves. 
 
 Bat. Putting stones in his mouth cured him of stuttering ? 
 I guess he's my style more than Cicero's. I'll put stones in 
 my mouth, too, and go down to the river in the night and 
 speak my speech to the waves. Mr. King, I'm obleeged to 
 you. I should like to have you hear my speech. 
 
 King. I have an appointment, Mr. Batkins ; if I have an 
 opportunity later it will give me great pleasure to listen to your 
 speech. 
 
 Exit, D. L., with ceremony. 
 
 Bat. Thank you, Mr. King. I'm obleeged to you. {Takes 
 out his speech.') "Spurs and war-horses — terror to tyrants." 
 I'll get them in my speech; I'll make Philips tremble. Mr. 
 Speaker ! (Goes off reading his speech, r.) 
 
 Enter Col. Jerome Splendid Silk, d. l., splendidly dressed, 
 with Fee. 
 
 Silk. Ah, Feedle. I hope I have not kept you waiting. 
 
 Fee. Not long. How are matters progressing ? 
 
 Silk. Well, slowly; this fellow King is damaging somewhat 
 my prospects. I think she likes him. 
 
 Fee. Well ; but you have her promise. 
 
 Silk. Yes, the thing was well understood before this King 
 came back; this Silver Spoon fellow — he knows she's rich. 
 
 Fee, Well, if you had a letter from her — something in 
 writing acknowledging the situation, or a regular promise of 
 marriage. 
 
 Silk. Yes, but I have no such thing ; if I had, what good 
 would that do ? I could not make her marry me ; women are 
 devilish slippery articles. 
 
 Fee. No, but as she wants to marry Glandon King, you 
 say, you could prevent that. 
 
 Silk. How ? 
 
 Fee. Threaten her with a suit at law for breach of promise. 
 
28 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Silk. He would not care for that. 
 
 Fee. If she will not pay to be released, let her marry and 
 bring your action for damages. 
 
 Silk. I should like to be revenged on this King ; he rather 
 cuts me. I'd rather have the money without the girl. I don't 
 mind trying to frighten her into one thing or the other ; I'm 
 hard up, Feedle. I'll think about it. 
 
 Fee. Get the writing ; leave the rest to me. 
 
 Silk. I will try, Feedle. On the strength of the chances, 
 could you raise a little of the needful ? I'm in a tight place. 
 
 Fee. I never speculate with my clients ; but, Colonel, if 
 you could get something in writing from Miss Greenwood, I 
 have a friend who I think would advance a hundred or so 
 
 Silk. Do you ? Your friend would discount, eh ? 
 
 Fee. If you had any little note from her, where there was 
 room over her name to add an ambiguous phrase, it would be 
 better than nothing to start on 
 
 Silk. I will get her promise. 
 
 Fee. I will return shortly. I'm to meet a gentleman here. 
 We will then consider the detail of the matter. 
 
 Exit, D. L. 
 
 Silk. A man sueing a woman for breach of promise of mar- 
 riage is rather a small way of raising the wind, but as marriage 
 is made a commercial commodity, why not breach of promise ? 
 It has been done; the question is not nowadays how people get 
 money, but have they got it ? 
 
 {He takes out newspaper and is reading it when Bat. enters 
 D. R. , with papers in his hand. ) 
 
 Bat. (aside). I hope I hain't got intu the wrong room. 
 Mr. Feedle said number twenty-seven. 
 
 ^VLK (aside). Who is this? Feedle's money friend, perhaps. 
 
 {They walk about exchanging glances as they pass each 
 other. Silk nods familiarly.') 
 
 Bat, Your sarvant, sir (Aside.) A member, just as 
 
 like as not. 
 
 Silk. A rural verdant. I was thinking, Mr. 
 
 Bat. Batkins, from Cranberry Centre. 
 
 Silk. Oh, yes, Bodkins. I think I have met you at Miss 
 Greenwood's or somewhere else. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 29 
 
 Bat. Oh, yes, I have been in the green woods or some- 
 where else. I go there very often. {Aside.') I'll try a little 
 dicker before I'll let him know I am a member. How is trade 
 in your way ? 
 
 Silk. So, so. Our business is rather an extensive one. 
 There is not much doing. 
 
 Bat. I should like to sell you some axe handles or hoop 
 
 poles {A pause.) Maybe you don't do anything in the 
 
 lumber trade ? 
 
 Silk. No, sir ; not in our line. 
 
 Bat. You put up at this Mr. Tremont's {substitute any 
 well known local hotel) Tavern ? 
 
 Silk. I'm a sojourner in the house. 
 
 Bat. a sojiner in the house? What's that? 
 
 Silk. A person not permanently located ; one whose stay 
 is limited to an indefinite time. 
 
 Bat. Then I am one of them sojiners in the State House ; 
 I'm a member of the Gineral Court, from Cranberry Centre. 
 That Sargeant-of-Arms is a nice man — polite as a dancing- 
 master to all on us. He gin me the best seat in the State 
 House to make a speech from. He says : " You ain't tu near 
 Mr. Speaker, nor you ain't tu fur off." I'm making a speech 
 that'll take the hide off of some of these klinks. 
 
 Silk. I shall be happy to know you better, Mr. Bodkins ; 
 our interests may be mutual. 
 
 Bat. May they? 
 
 Silk. Yes, if we can see our way to work together. 
 
 Bat. Oh, you are a member, too, Mr. — Mr. What 
 
 may I call your name ? 
 
 Silk. Silk, sir. Jerome Splendid Silk, of Silk, Short and 
 Skinem, Mr. Bodkins. 
 
 Bat. Batkins is my name, sir — Jefferson S. Batkins. 
 (Aside.) I'd lay a dollar, if ever I bet, that he is one of the 
 klinks. I mustn't let him know that I am goin' agin him up to 
 the State House. [Aloud.) I come here to meet Lawyer 
 Feedle, by agreement. Do you know him ? 
 
 Silk. Intimately; he is my counselor, when I have any 
 law business. I am here to meet him, too. 
 
 Bat. While we are waiting for Mr. Feedle, is there any ob- 
 jections to my asking a few questions? 
 
 Silk. Not at all. 
 
 Bat. I go in for the encouragement of all successful under- 
 takings. If it is a fair question, Mr. Silk, what is your politics ? 
 
30 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Silk. Always that of the majority. 
 
 Bat. That's my kind. I was chosed in by the Honestmen's 
 and Independent parties' ticket. My views are about the same 
 as all the parties in Cranberry Centre. 
 
 Silk. A very safe position. 
 
 Bat. The agricultural deestricts suffer from insects. I shall 
 bring in a bill that will be a " terror to these tyrants." I shall 
 be a Demosthenes agin caterpillars, horseflies, squash bugs, and 
 all the race of destroying varmints. 
 
 Silk. Mr. Batkins, excuse me, but you are not posted in 
 the latest scientific movements ; you haven't heard of the great 
 discovery which has led to the production of filigree. 
 
 Bat. Filigree? Filigree? Never hearn tell of it; what 
 does it look like ? 
 
 Silk. At certain periods of the year certain species of cater- 
 pillars produce a material much superior for the construction of 
 fabrics for ladies' wear than is found in cocoons of the silkworm. 
 
 Bat. Is that so ? 
 
 Silk. Positively proved. So that instead of attempts being 
 encouraged to exterminate these supposed destructive insects, 
 a bill of protection is to be introduced into the Legislature of a 
 neighboring state for the cultivation of these industrious insects, 
 martyrs to the ignorance of our forefathers. 
 
 Bat. You don't say ! I shall be a rich man ; I've lots of 
 um on my farm. My, what strange things be goin' on in these 
 days. 
 
 Silk. Would you introduce and support a bill entitled *' An 
 Act for the Encouragement of the Growth of Caterpillars " ? 
 
 Bat. Well, I should like to think a leetle more about it 
 first, but on the whole I rather guess I would. I should like to 
 see a pattern of the Caterpillar Silk first thougli. Filigree you 
 call it. I'll get that into my speech. {Aside.) Then you 
 ain't one of the city klinks? 
 
 Silk. No, sir ; I'm from Suckerville and so are my part- 
 ners, Short and Skinem. Make our money out of the respec- 
 table and industrious inhabitants of the rural districts. Such 
 gentlemen as you represent, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. I am glad I met you in this promiscus way ; I should 
 like tu know your partners. Short and Skinem. 
 
 Silk (aside). You will before I have done with you. 
 (Aloud.) Shall be pleased to introduce you. 
 
 Bat. I go agin the (local) klinks, and darn their picturs, 
 I'll vote for the — what is it? 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 31 
 
 Silk. Filigree. 
 
 Bat. Yes, I'll write it out. {Aside.) A good chance to 
 get his opinion on my speech. {He is writing on a card.) 
 Mr. Silk, if you will hear my speech, you can tell me when the 
 caterpillars will come in, about right. 
 
 Silk. Yes, Mr. Batkins, it will give me great pleasure. 
 (Aside.) That's his soft spot. {Aloud.) I am listening, Mr. 
 Batkins. 
 
 (Bat., making great preparations, changes his position, Silk 
 
 sitting.) 
 
 Bat. {orating). "Mr. Speaker! Ahem. Mr. Speaker, 
 when I arise, Mr. Speaker, on this tremendous occasion — when 
 the cerculean arch is blue, when the whirlwind and tornado, 
 sir — when Caesar, that terror to tyrants, screams ; the whole 
 world hears the roaring billows of the vast Atlantic Ocean, I 
 
 say — I say — I " {Looks at his speech.) Mr. Silk, excuse 
 
 me. 
 
 Silk. Certainly. 
 
 Enter Waiter, d. l., with a note. 
 
 Waiter. Mr. Silk? 
 Silk. Yes. 
 
 {He takes the note, opens and reads it, and exits hastily D. L. 
 Bat. is gesticulating. Waiter rejnains, then slowly re- 
 tires D. l.) 
 
 Bat. {continuing). "As to the klinks of members from 
 {local), sir, these aristoocats who go about seeking whom they 
 may devour somebody, do they take us who come up here 
 from the agricultural, moral deestricts to be the ones to barter 
 our freedom of principle like Ne-buk-od-nez-or of old for a mis- 
 erable mess of potash?" (Waiter has returned, bring- 
 ing tvith hitn other waiters and persons at the doors listening ; 
 Bat. is engaged looking at his speech.) One moment, Mr. 
 Silk, and I'll come to the caterpillars. "Mr. Speaker, these 
 are prohibitory times and alcoholic beverages are getting to be 
 tremendous affairs. I don't use any except in a medical ca- 
 pacity, but, sir, the laws of the Swedes and Prussians will not 
 do for this enlightened age in the state of {local). Perish 
 creation in all its suburban divisions, before I will deprive any 
 Englishman of his gin and porter, any Irish patriot of his pipe 
 
32 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 and whiskey, any New Englander of his Medford and cider, 
 any German of his lager and sourkraut, or any other man, 
 woman, or child, in pursuit of happiness however bounded." 
 
 {All applaud. Bat. is surprised, but bows his thanks. Fee. 
 enters d. l. ; Silk, d. r. Fee. co7ties up to him ; he 
 looks for Silk, ivho has joined Fee. Fee. gives Bat. 
 letter. Waiters and others exeunt.) 
 
 Fee. I will see you this evening. 
 
 Exit, D. L., with Silk. 
 
 READY change. 
 
 Bat. (reading letter^. " Cranberry Centre, January i, 
 1852. Squire Batkins, representative of Cranberry Centre to 
 Gineral Court State House. Mr. Batkins: Dear Sir : — I take 
 my pen in hand to inform you that Abby is sick and she 
 couldn't come as agreed upon, which, when this comes you 
 will know, she will cum in last trane to-morrow or nex day. 
 If you will meet her and go with her to her aunt's, which she 
 will tell you where she lives, you will much obleege your 
 humble servint Patseba Bacon. P. S. — Her aunt keeps a 
 bordin hus and iseturs and such refreshings at the North End, 
 which her name is Smith everybody knows her, she lives 
 across to (local) R. R. depot." (Local) streets are awful 
 crooked, and they tell me lead to temptation to country mem- 
 bers. (Takes out watch, very large, with old-fashioned steel 
 chain, seals and keys.) I s'pose I can find the way if it gets 
 darker ; so many gas lanterns all about here. Folks begin tu 
 know me; one butcher in the market pinted me out. Says 
 he: "That's him — that's Batkins." It makes a man feel his 
 oats to be pinted out by his feller citizens as a public func- 
 tionary. I do feel the State House oats, by Jonah. (Puts hat 
 on jaujitily ; buttons up coat.) That's him (laughing), that's 
 Batkins (giggling), that's me. (Dignified.) Representative 
 from Cranberry Centre. I'll astonish Abby and Abby's aunt 
 and Abby's aunt's iseturs. 
 
 Exit, D. L., with complacent, characteristic swagger. 
 
 CHANGE set. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 33 
 
 Scene II. — Apartment in Austin's house. 
 Enter King with Sarah. 
 
 Sarah. Are you really going, Glandon ? 
 
 King. I am but just returned after a long absence, and I 
 am again to leave my native laud — the objects of my love, the 
 scenes of my boyhood, amid which I had promised myself a 
 home and happiness. 
 
 Sarah. You will soon return ? 
 
 King. Perhaps in three months. Perhaps never. 
 
 Sarah. Will you write to me ? 
 
 King. I will, Sarah. 
 
 Sarah. Do you wish to be released from our mutual prom- 
 ise? My Cousin Asia is rich. 
 
 READY knock outside. 
 
 King. Sarah, I told you I loved you ; language has no 
 stronger power of expression. I love you still. (^He takes a 
 ring from the chain of his watch.') Your Cousin Asia is 
 naught to me ; we are pledged to each other for good or evil. 
 Take this, a gift to me by a dear friend not now alive. Upon 
 it is engraved a motto ; two hands grasped in friendship carved 
 upon this piece of fine gold occupy the place usually filled by 
 a gem. Take it ; I shall be true to the motto. 
 
 Sarah. Read it for me, Glandon. 
 
 King. The words "semper idem" translated mean "al- 
 ways the same." 
 
 (Sarah takes the ring and kisses it ; King puts it on her 
 
 finger.) 
 
 Sarah. I will be true to the motto, " Always the same." 
 King. Do not forget it. " Semper idem." 
 Sarah. "Always the same." 
 
 Exeunt together. 
 
 KNOCK outside. 
 
 {A knock ; Han. enters and goes to the door. Abby Bacon 
 enters, a neatly dressed country girl.) 
 
 Abby. Is this house number twenty-two ? 
 Han. Yes, it is. 
 
34 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Abby. Does Mr. Batkins, from Cranberry Centre, stay 
 here? 
 
 Han. He does make it his home here for the present, 
 
 Abby. I want tu see him, if you please. 
 
 Han. He is up to the State House. 
 
 Abby. Do you know where ? 
 
 Han. I do not, child. 
 
 Abby. Will you tell him Abby Bacon has been to see him ? 
 He knows who I am. 
 
 Han. Young woman, what's Mr. Batkins to you? 
 
 READY change, 
 
 Abby. He has always been a good friend of mine. I 
 wanted to come and live in {Jocal~). He said he was coming 
 to the Gineral Court this winter, so if I did come he could 
 look after me a little while the meetings in the State House 
 lasted. 
 
 Han. He did, did he ! {Aside.) And marry me after- 
 ward. 
 
 Abby. He said he would meet me at the depot when the 
 train come in, but he did not. I was there and he wan't. 
 
 Han. {aside). I should like to know when men are too old 
 to be wicked ; they are none of them to be trusted. The 
 Satans 1 {Aloud.) Young woman, come with me into my 
 room; I want to ask you some questions, and I want you to 
 tell me the truth. {Aside.) AH I have been waiting for was 
 a man that never {Aloud.) Come with me, child. 
 
 Exeunt Han. and Abby. 
 
 CHANGE set. 
 
 Scene III. — Local street view near a railroad station. Snow 
 and ice on houses or trees. 
 
 Enter Bat. 
 
 LIGHTS down. 
 
 MUSIC outside at rise. 
 
 Bat. That pesky Feedle wan't in his office after all, and I 
 got too late at the depot. The conductor said he see Abby 
 Bacon get out of the cars and go off somewhere this way. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 35 
 
 This is a pokerish neighborhood here. I heard a fiddle a-going 
 just now J got a ball somewhere. Ther's a good lot of hacks 
 standing round. I'm a good mind to inquire the way home. 
 It was too bad for me to miss Abby Bacon. Let's see, which 
 way do I turn now to get sight of the State House ? If I see 
 the top of that I know where 1 am. {He looks about.') 
 
 Enter Cabman. 
 
 MUSIC stops. 
 
 Cabman {aside). Here's my old customer again. {Aloud.) 
 How do you do, sir? Can't you find her? 
 
 Bat. Find who? 
 
 Cabman. The young woman. 
 
 Bat. How did you know I was looking for a young woman ? 
 Do you know me? 
 
 Cabman. Oh, yes, sir; you are Mr. Batkins, representative 
 from Cranberry Centre. 
 
 Bat. {aside). He does know me. Abby told him, I 
 s'pose. {Aloud.) Well, I was looking for a young woman at 
 the depot, Abby Bacon ; have you seen her ? 
 
 Cabman. Yes ; I just carried her. 
 
 Bat. To her aunt's ? 
 
 Cabman. Yes, sir. Would you like to see her ? 
 
 Bat. Well, yes. Gone to her aunt's ? Why, then I shall 
 see her aunt, too. 
 
 Cabman. Get into my hack ; I'll carry you there. 
 
 Bat. How much will you charge for the ride? 
 
 Cabman. That depends upon how long you stay; we'll see 
 when you go home. 
 
 Bat. Abby's to her aunt's, eh ! Sure about that? 
 
 Cabman. Yes, sir ; come along with me, sir, just over the 
 way my hack is. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 READY change set. 
 
 Bat. That feller won't get ahead of me this time ; he thinks 
 I'm going to ride home. After I have seen Abby safe, I'll go 
 home afoot. Curious how some folks get acquainted with me. 
 Things do change in this city of {local). Meetin' -houses iu 
 most every street. Mr. Austin told me to look out for pick- 
 pockets. I've got my speech in my pocket. {Feels for it.) 
 
S6 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Yes, that's all safe. If I should lose that speech, how some 
 folks would crow over me. Yes, I am coming. Abby Bacon's 
 a pretty nice gal. So is her mother. I must take care of my 
 constituents. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 CHANGE set. 
 
 LIGHTS up. 
 
 Scene IV. — Sailors' dance hall. A place in centre for mu- 
 sicians. Upon a sigji painted : ^'' Pay the fiddler and treat 
 your partner. Anybody inclined will promenade to the 
 left.'^ When the dance ends this is always conspicuous. 
 Tom PiNFEATHER, a hunchback, discovered with others. 
 Women dressed in a vulgar, extravagant style, but no in- 
 decent action. Menfaticy. 
 
 LOUD laughtet at change. 
 MUSIC at rise until speech. 
 
 Tom. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the dance. 
 
 {They take places ; a dance, at the conclusion of which ToM 
 calls: '^ All promenade to the left." The characters 
 do so.') 
 
 Enter Cabman, with Bat. 
 
 Cabman. This here is the place. You ask any one for Miss 
 Bacon, and they'll tell you which she is. 
 
 Bat. And you are sure this is where you brought her ? 
 
 Cabman. Sartin sure. When you want to go, just you ask 
 'em for Biles — that's me — No. 1982 on the carriage. I'll take 
 you home all right. 
 
 Bat. Biles — yes — 1982. Smells a good deal of rum and 
 tobacco. (Miss Bird enters.) Smart-looking gal, that ; say, 
 Miss 
 
 Miss B. Well, old feller, what is it? 
 
 Bat. Do you live here? 
 
 Miss B. I don't do anything else. 
 
 Bat. Don't you? Well, I want to see Miss Bacon — Abby 
 Bacon. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 37 
 
 Miss B. You do ? You want to see Abby Bacon ? 
 
 Bat. I should like tu if it ain't giving you tu much trouble. 
 
 Miss B. Well, why don't you see her, old fel ? 
 
 Bat. She's here, ain't she ? {Aside. ) I am kind of skeered 
 of this lady. {Aloud.') Where is her aunt ? 
 
 Miss B. Her aunt ? She's with her uncle, I suppose. 
 
 Bat. Uncle? I didn't know Abby had an uncle. You 
 are sure you know that Abby is here ? 
 
 Miss B. I don't know all the girls' names nor the fellows' 
 either, that come here. There's one Abby something, just 
 come in. 
 
 Bat. Yes, that's her, I'll lay a dollar. 
 
 Miss B. Why, you ain't a hen, are you? 
 
 Bat. A hen? I'm the member of the Gineral Court from 
 Cranberry Centre, Batkins, and I want to see Abby Bacon. 
 
 Miss B. Cranberry Centre ! What an odd name you've 
 got, old fellow. Come with me; if she is here I will find her 
 for you. Wouldn't you like to see a pretty picture of the 
 " Pilgrim's Progress " ? 
 
 Bat. Well, if it is a handsome picture, I don't care if I do. 
 You're a handsome picture of a girl's progress, but let's find 
 Abby first. 
 
 Miss B. You're too knowing. 
 
 Exeunt together ; the crowd returns, men and women. 
 Enter Fee. ; takes Tom aside. 
 
 Fee. Tom, I want you to-morrow ; come to my office at 
 ten o'clock. 
 
 Tom. Not this time unless you pay me. 
 
 Fee. I will pay. I don't want to be seen here, but you re- 
 member, Tom, if the police make a raid and any respectable 
 gentleman happens to be carried to the station, I am always 
 ready to get bail for him. 
 
 Tom. Yes, I know, you sly old dodger. 
 
 Fee. Come with me. I want a little talk with you. 
 
 Exeunt together. 
 Reenter Bat., with Miss B. 
 
 Bat. What do you call this place ? 
 Miss B. The " Saints' Rest." 
 
 Bat. " Saints' Rest " ? What do they do here ? Didn't I 
 hear fiddling ? Do saints fiddle when they rest ? 
 
38 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Miss B. Yes ; we have a fair here to-night and a ball for 
 the benefit of the Young Men's Benevolent Association. The 
 money goes to a society for polishing the heathen. 
 
 Bat, Sho ! You're dancing to polish the heathen. I don't 
 believe Abby will come ; I think I'd better go. 
 
 READY music 
 
 Miss B. Oh, yes, she will. Stay and have a dance ; I 
 should like to dance with you. Won't you be my partner? 
 
 Bat. No, my dancing days are over. Nice people here ; 
 how much do you pay for a dance ? 
 
 Miss B. Nothing for the dance ; treat your partner. I'll 
 take a fancy roast. 
 
 Bat. a fancy roast? I'm a little skeered I'm getting into 
 a fancy stew. I've a great mind to dance, by Jonah. I'll go 
 it, by thunder. 
 
 Reenter company ^ Tom among them. 
 
 MUSIC begins. 
 
 READY curtain. 
 
 Tom. Places now for Hull's Victory. 
 {The parties arrange for a dance. Music; the dafice begins.^ 
 
 Miss B. Come, Cranberry Centre. 
 
 Bat. That music makes me feel a leetle like it. {He dances 
 at the side, sloivly at first ; Miss B. accompanies him ; he gets 
 excited, takes off his coat a?id puts it on a chair with his hat, 
 and joins the dance. Cabman is see7i looking in at the door. 
 One of the party is seen busy at his coat pockets ; takes out the 
 speech. Bat. sees hifn and leaves the dance. ^ Let my coat be ! 
 This feller is a thief, by Jonah. Let go my speech. (Seizes 
 his coat.) He's got my speech, Mr. Speaker 
 
 (The fnan attempts to fight. Bat. goes in and Cabua'N comes 
 to his rescue.) 
 
 Knter Fee., with police ofiicers. General row ; tableau. 
 
 RING curtain. 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 39 
 
 ACT III 
 
 Scene. — An elegant apartment. At back, doors of entrance^ 
 otie on either side. Furniture of the richest description. 
 Statuary, elegafit pictures and books. A lounge covered 
 with rich shaiuls. Upon a table is a statuette of the Three 
 Graces. On another, a group of nude figures. Tables, 
 chairs, etc. Silk discovered. 
 
 LIGHTS full up at rise. 
 
 Silk. Alone in her boudoir. I think I have fixed things all 
 right. If I only had that darling little autograph, Asia Myrha 
 Greenwood, attached to a promise of marriage, Mr. Glandon 
 King might have all the rest. It is so hard working without the 
 needful ; Feedle won't advance until he sees the autograph. I 
 think I am on the right side of Batkins. The caterpillars will 
 do for him. (Bat. enters.) Ah, my dear friend, I am glad 
 to welcome you to my house, that is to be. 
 
 Bat. Well, Colonel, I come as quick as I could ; I couldn't 
 leave the house no quicker, 'til it adjourned. Well, things are 
 "hansome here, faith." 
 
 Silk. Yes, I shall presently introduce you to the lady who 
 is shortly to be my wife ; but that's mum at present. 
 
 Bat. I shall be proud to make her acquaintance. {Looks 
 at the statuary.) But say, you ; do the women before they be 
 married have such images as these in their best rooms here in 
 (local) ? 
 
 Silk. Do you refer to the statuettes ? 
 
 Bat. Stat-yu-etts. Well, I never hearn that word before. 
 
 Silk. It is quite common to have miniature groups of the 
 "Graces" displayed in drawing-rooms. 
 
 Bat. I don't mean them gal images, but the boys strad- 
 dling and frolicking round here without any trousers on. ( Takes 
 up the group.) Natural as life in miniature, as you call 'em. 
 
 Silk. A little nudity is considered not out of fashion at the 
 present day, either in bronze or marble. 
 
 Bat. a leetle nudity ! Is that what you call it ? I should 
 say it was a good piece of nudity. You wasn't up to the State 
 House to-day, was ye, Colonel ? 
 
 Silk. I was ; I was looking for you there. 
 
40 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Bat. I heard the roll called. I didn't hear any member 
 of the name of Silk mentioned by the dark. 
 
 Silk. A mistake in the returns from Suckerville. Green 
 comes in my place. You heard his name called, Batkins ? 
 Green ? 
 
 Bat. Yes. There's two Greens in the House. 
 
 Silk. I will introduce you to both. This session there will 
 be no Silks in the House. You must put the Caterpillar bill 
 through. Feedle and I will do the lobbying. 
 
 Bat. I tried two or three times to get my speech off to-day. 
 I got up three or four times as far as "Mr. Speaker," but 
 somehow nothing else would come out of my mouth in an au- 
 ditory tone. 1 practiced seconding motions. I seconded every 
 motion that was made on both sides. The Speaker seemed 
 pleased when he caught my eye. One feller, I thought, rather 
 laughed at me when I got up. I looked at him and says to 
 myself: " He's one of them cussed klinks." 
 
 Silk. You'll make your mark yet, Batkins. I'll get your 
 name in the papers for you. 
 
 Bat. That's well thought on. Do you take the news- 
 papers ? 
 
 Silk. Only Washington papers; I am not interested in 
 local news. 
 
 Bat. I can't read the papers allowed to members ; I should 
 like to sell out mine at half price. 
 
 Silk. Make an arrangement with the newsboys. Ah ! 
 Here comes my adorable Asia. Now, Batkins, prepare for a 
 sensation. I will introduce you 
 
 Bat. Yes. I ain't dressed up enough, am I? And, Colo- 
 nel, don't get talking high-flown stuff, or you will put me in a 
 pucker. 
 
 {During this speech Miss Asia Myrha Greenwood enters, a 
 Lady with her. She very languidly reclines upon the 
 couch. ^ 
 
 Asia. Open Byron to page forty-six of the "Corsair." 
 Give it to me. (^This is done and Ladv exits.) You may 
 speak. 
 
 Silk. Dearest — divine — adorable — lovely Asia. 
 
 Asia. Who is that? {Sees Bat.) 
 
 Silk. The distinguished friend I told you of, dearest. Mr. 
 Batkins. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 4I 
 
 Bat. Member from Cranberry Centre. How du yu du, 
 ma'am? 
 
 Asia. It gives me great pleasure to receive any friend of 
 my dear Jerome. 
 
 Bat. {aside). She's a handsome critter, by Jonah — a real 
 beauty ; kind o' lazy, I guess, and slow-motioned as a turtle in 
 a swamp. 
 
 Asia. I hope, sir, you will excuse my recumbent attitude ? 
 
 Bat. Certainly, ma'am, quite excusable. {Aside.') I don't 
 know what her recumbent attitude is. 
 
 Asia. Jerome, you promised to bring Glandon King with 
 you ; is he coming ? 
 
 Silk. He has promised to do so, dearest Asia ; I think he 
 will come. 
 
 Bat. Courting right before me ; that's one of the matters 
 of life I think ought to be done in secret session. 
 
 Asia. Will you dine with us to-day ? 
 
 Bat. Me, did you say, ma'am ? 
 
 Asia. Tell him I do, Jerome. 
 
 (Silk, by action, does so.) 
 
 Bat. Well, that depends upon what time you eat your vit- 
 tells. I feel kind of a hollow in this region. {Makes a mo f ion.) 
 
 Asia. We shall dine at eight. 
 
 Bat. Eight o'clock ? That's after my supper time. If I 
 could have a leetle luncheon first. I 'greed to go out shopping 
 with Miss Patridge. {Aside.) How about that, Colonel? 
 
 Silk. Asia wishes it so. We must deny her nothing. 
 
 Bat. Is that so? Well, I'll stay. Thankee, ma'am, but 
 then I wanted to practice on my speech at odd jobs. 
 
 Silk. You can do it here. 
 
 Bat. What, in this room ? 
 
 Silk. Yes. 
 
 Asia. Ah, I must go to my boudoir. 
 
 Silk. And shall I then have that sweet promise in a form 
 that warrants my making arrangements for the bridal tour ? 
 
 Asia. Yes, my dear Jerome. 
 
 Silk. Then shall I be yours, {aside) and your money mine 
 {aloud) my dearest life. 
 
 Asia {rising). Support me. 
 
 (Silk supports her to exit.) 
 
42 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Bat. What a monstrous fine room ! There's looking-glasses 
 big enougli to see the whole of me in. {Takes frofu his pocket 
 an envelope with papers.') " Bill for the protection of Toads." 
 We don't expect to pass that; that's only to make some 
 dodgers show their hand. "For the encouragement of the 
 growth of Caterpillars." That's the Filigree question. Ah, 
 here's my speech. {He looks about, attitudinizes before a 
 
 mirror.) " Mr. Speaker. I rise with some commotion " 
 
 No, that can't be. 
 
 Enter Fee., with a large envelope. 
 
 Fee. Ah, Mr. Batkins, the very man I want to see ; give 
 this to your friend, Colonel Silk. Is he here ? 
 
 Bat. Yes, just gone into the bor der wa with that gal he's 
 going to be married to. 
 
 Fee. Did you hear her say she was going to be married to 
 Colonel Silk ? 
 
 Bat. No ! But she acted out something like it. 
 
 Fee. Will you give that to the Colonel ? He knows what 
 it means ; when it is signed and witnessed, he will give it you, 
 and then you can give it to me. 
 
 {Gives Bat. e five lope ; it is similar to the one in which Bat. 
 keeps his papers.) 
 
 Bat. I will do it. Well, Feedle, how do I get on, on the 
 whole ? What do folks say in {local) about the representative 
 from Cranberry Centre? 
 
 Fee. Well, something smart is expected of you ; but they 
 say up at the House you are shy of showing your hand. 
 
 Bat. The darned skunks rile me up sometimes. If I 
 should get mad in debate and tell a feller he lies when he does 
 lie, he can't shoot me nor nothing for it, can he ? 
 
 Fee. Not if you act in a strictly parliamentary manner. 
 You must never call a member by his name ; that is personal. 
 You must say the honorable member from {local) or {local), 
 as they would say. Not Mr. Batkins, but the member from 
 Cranberry Centre. 
 
 Bat. Well, I'm obleeged to you for gettin* me along so 
 well; I owe you a good deal. I don't know how much I do 
 owe you. 
 
 Fee. {aside). I do, and I know how much you will pay 
 me, too, before the session is over. Have you found Abby 
 Bacon yet ? 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 43 
 
 Bat. I ain't set eyes on her yet. Say, Feedle, don't you 
 say anything about that scrape. I wouldn't have Hannah 
 Patridge know of it for considerable. I've taken your advice 
 and amended my speech on the " Liquor Question." Just you 
 listen and hear how I bring it in, about the scientific purposes 
 and culinary operations, mince pies and puddings for Thanks- 
 giving day and Fourth of July. 
 
 Fee. Not now ; I have no time. 
 
 Bat. Well, Feedle, you won't let the news get up to Cran- 
 berry Centre about that dance hall scrape ? 
 
 Fee. Oh, that's nothing, Batkins; all the members do the 
 same thing — go to the theatres, opera, museums. If you didn't 
 see the elephant when you were young, you must see it when 
 you are old. 
 
 Bat. Oh, I've seen an elephant, Feedle, but not a very big 
 one. 
 
 Fee. Ah, the members enjoy themselves. 
 
 Bat. Country members don't go round frolicking nights, 
 do they ? 
 
 Fee. To be sure ; beat the city delegation all out. 
 
 Bat. Sho' you ! Then I shan't be no worse than the rest 
 on 'em ; but ain't frolicking a leetle expensive? 
 
 Fee. No, members of the House go free anywhere. All you 
 have to do is to say, " I'm the member from Cranberry Cen- 
 tre." Senators are more dignified. They like to pay. I shall 
 see you again, but do just as I tell you, and you will never for- 
 get your visit to {local). Good-bye, Batkins. 
 
 Exit Fee. Bat. goes with him to the entrance and returns. 
 
 Bat. Well, if I can go on a free blow, I don't care; I'll 
 risk Hannah's finding me out. I'll tell her I've been on a com- 
 mittee meeting. Now I must try my speech a leetle. I am 
 going to get it off to-morrow. "Mr. Speaker. My honorable 
 
 friend is mistaken — science is onchangeable " (Abbv 
 
 enters with a tray on which is a lunch ; a small box of sar- 
 dines, biscuits and liquors. She places thetn on the table, not 
 having fioticed Bat., who is fumbling over his speech. At the 
 proper time he continues.') "Mr. Speaker, I deny the fact. 
 
 When my honorable friend from Cabbage Town says " 
 
 Abby. Your lunch is ready. {He turns around.) 
 Bat. Why, Abby Bacon ! How the dogs did you come 
 here? 
 
44 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Abbv. Mr. Batkins ! {She drops a plate which breaks.") 
 Oh, dear, I've broken Miss Greenwood's china dish. 
 
 {She cries.) 
 
 Bat. No matter for the crockery. I'll put the pieces in my 
 pocket and get the dish mended for you, Abby ; don't cry 
 about it. {^He picks up pieces, ties them tip in a large hand- 
 kerchief and puts them in coat pocket.) Then this luncheon is 
 for me, Abby ? Eh ! Miss Asia's treat, I suppose. Nice 
 things, eh? What's them in the tin box? 
 
 Abby. Sardines, they call them. 
 
 Bat. Sour beans ! What do they do with the critters? 
 
 Abby. Eat um. 
 
 Bat. Eat um ! What, raw? They've got ile all over them 
 — lamp ile. Abby, they smell like fishes. 
 
 Abby. Well, they be fishes. 
 
 Bat. Do you hve here, Abby? With Miss Asia? 
 
 Abby. Yes, I am table girl. 
 
 Bat. Table gal, eh? Well, I wondered where the dogs 
 you were. I went to the depot. {Aside.) I guess I won't say 
 anything about that. {Aloud.) Well, set down and take a 
 leetle bite along o' me. Ain't you hungry? 
 
 Abby. No, Mr. Batkins ; if I was, I know my place. It is 
 not for me, a poor servant girl, to sit down to eat with you ; 
 you are a great man — a captain in the Legislature. 
 
 Bat. We are all born free and equil. Abby, there is a 
 great responsibility on me, I know. {He sits down, tucks a 
 napkin under his chin, puts his hat ofi a chair and sits upon 
 it ; retnoves it utider the table after some business.) So I must 
 eat those leetle fishes biled in ile, hey, with crackers and lem- 
 ons mixed? Did you ever eat any on 'em, Abby? 
 
 Abby. No, sir. 
 
 Bat. I should like to see somebody do it fust. {He tries 
 to pick one out.) Why, the tails ain't strong enough to 
 hold um. 
 
 Abby. Use the silver fork, sir. 
 
 Bat. Oh, that's the way, is it ? {He picks one upon the 
 fork.) Abby, you try one. Youdarsent. Come, Abby, let's 
 see you do it. 
 
 Abby. They are for the gentlemen, sir. 
 
 Bat. Then if Miss Asia sends um to me to eat, I s'pose I 
 must eat um. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 45 
 
 Abby. Just as you please, sir. 
 
 Bat. Set down, Abby. 
 
 Abby. No, sir ; I am here to wait upon you. (JFIe, after 
 some difficulty, manages to swallow a fish. Makes faces as if 
 nauseated.) Abby, you had better get a house pail or a wash- 
 tub in case of any accident. {He puts napkifi to his mouth.) 
 I can't go sardines; they won't stay down, by Jonah. 
 
 Abby. I hope you won't be sick ; the gendefolks drink 
 some of that stuff in the bottle when they swim in their 
 stomachs. 
 
 Bat. Swim ! Why, ain't the fishes dead ? (^He is nau- 
 seated ; picks up his hat.) Bring the basin or I shall fill up 
 the hat. 
 
 Abby. Take a drink from the bottle, sir ; perhaps it will 
 keep 'em down. 
 
 Bat. I'll try and physic 'em down. (^Drinks and smacks 
 his lips.) Well, that does go to the right spot, by Jonah. Sit 
 down, Abby ; I'm better. 
 
 Abby. No, sir. Miss Partridge is visiting here ; she told 
 me to keep out of your way. I went to her house to look after 
 you, and she got me this place. 
 
 Bat. Miss Patridge said that, did she? {Aside.) Jealous 
 of me ! {Aloud.) I'll bring in a bill to abolish petticoat gov- 
 ernment. Sit down, Abby. All men are born free and equil. 
 Holloa, I see a mistake in the Constitution. It must be 
 amended ; it doesn't say women are equil too. {He con- 
 tinues to drink; is getting elated.) Abby, hear my speech 
 that I am going to speak to-morrow. Stand up in the chair, 
 Abby. {She does so.) "I rise, Mr. Speaker, under some em- 
 barrassment. {He gets up slowly.) Mr. Speaker. {Takes out 
 speech. Ha^. enters; seems surprised.) If the gentleman who 
 has won his spurs thinks to ride over the old war-horses of the 
 rural deestricts, he counts his chickens before they are 
 hatched. I seen the spurs cut off from a long legged, crackled, 
 crowing sneak of a rooster, that strutted round the barn-yard, 
 pillaging, pillaging. Mr. Speaker, foraging — foraging, sir, but 
 doing nothing as a parent for his chickens or for the public 
 good. Let the eagle scream. A terror to tyrants " 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins, I am ashamed of you. 
 
 Bat. I second the motion. (Abby i-i?*?/';;^ Han., runs off.) 
 Stop, Abby ; hear the speech. When I say I am 
 
 Han. Intoxicated, Mr. Batkins I 
 
46 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 (^He looks round and sees her.') 
 
 Bat. Miss Patridge ! Stand still, Hannah ; don't turn 
 round so ; let me see if it is you, {Puts on spectacles and looks 
 at her.) It is Miss Patridge and no mistake. 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins, how came you here with that Abby 
 Bacon ? If I could allow myself to get into a passion, I should 
 say, Mr, Batkins, where the devil was you last night? 
 
 (^She stafids in a resolute attitude. ) 
 
 Bat. Without admitting the right to ask, Miss Patridge, I 
 was on committee business. It was so late when we adjourned, 
 I accepted a single bed at Mr. Tremont's Tavern {or any local 
 hotel) at the invitation of my friend. Colonel Silk, of Sucker- 
 ville. 
 
 Han. I know better. Was Abby Bacon on the committee? 
 You're a deceiver. 
 
 Bat. I am not a receiver. 
 
 Han. Lucky that I accepted Miss Greenwood's invitation. 
 I will expose you to all the world. Cranberry Centre shall ring 
 with all your villainies. What were you saying to that Abby 
 Bacon ? 
 
 Bat. The table girl ? I'll tell you. Miss Asia, my friend 
 Colonel Silk's intended, invited me to eat them leetle fishes 
 biled in ile. They kind of riled up my stomich arter I had 
 worried um down. Miss Abby, the parlor gal, said I must 
 drink out of the bottle, so she moved the liquor and I seconded 
 the motion. 
 
 Han. You was never made for a marrying man, Mr. Bat- 
 kins ; go on your committee meetings every night in the week, 
 eat fishes with parlor gals, get intoxicated as much as you please. 
 I am not your wife. If I was 
 
 Bat. What would you do. Miss Patridge? 
 
 Han. I would have you home at sundown every night, and 
 you should not go out of my sight till sunrise the next day. 
 
 Bat. Miss Patridge, you are a smart gal, but you can't go 
 on committees. 
 
 Han. Why don't your committees meet in the daytime ? 
 
 Bat. Sometimes they do, when the members' wives won't 
 let 'em go out nights, Hannah. Miss Patridge, shall I have 
 the pleasure of seeing you home ? 
 
 Han. No, sir ! I would not be seen in your company. Go 
 back to Cranberry Centre and take Miss Abby Bacon with you. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 47 
 
 If I had known your carryings on, I would have seen you blest 
 before I would have fried fritters for you. You are just as bad 
 as you were twenty years ago, when you told me just what I 
 suppose you have been telling Miss Bacon. Mr. Batkins, I 
 shall go to the State House when you make your speech ; I'll 
 let folks know what you are. I'll tell Mr. Speaker, as you call 
 him, what we women think of your committees. Don't you 
 follow me ! 
 
 Exit. During this speech she is constantly going and return- 
 ing, speaking with emphasis. ^XT. follows her and re- 
 treats. 
 
 Bat. Well, if anybody had hearn that turning up ! Han- 
 nah's got the grit in her rather too much for the dignity of a 
 member of the Gineral Court to stand in the future pardner of 
 his bosom, as I promised to make Miss Patridge. 
 
 Enter Silk, zvith Asia, Miss Nightingale, Miss Swallow, 
 Miss Righting, Mrs. Shady and others. Silk leaves the 
 ladies. 
 
 Silk. Batkins, will you join the ladies? We shall have 
 music and cards. 
 
 Bat. Yes, I'm in for anything. I think the leetle fishes 
 will stay down ; this liquor is amazin' fine, by Jonah. A real 
 party here beats Thanksgiving day all to nothin'. I wonder if 
 Miss Patridge has gone home. 
 
 Silk. Come, my adorable Asia will introduce you to the 
 ladies. Music first, then dinner. 
 
 (Asia comes forward with ladies.) 
 
 Asia. The Honorable Mr. Batkins, Miss Nightingale. 
 
 Bat. Miss Nightingale, I am happy to make a renewal of 
 your acquaintance. {Aside.) Them's the singing birds. 
 
 Asia. Miss Swallow. {Introduces her.) 
 
 Bat. Miss Swallow ! {Aside.) It is written two swallows 
 make a summer. That's a joke ; pretty girl she is, though. 
 Swallow is a bird that builds their nests in barns and meetin'- 
 houses. {He bows.) 
 
 Asia. Miss Righting ! 
 
 Bat. Your sarvant, ma'am. {Aside.) Not so pretty as 
 Swallow. If she is the ritin', I s'pose we ought to have Miss 
 Reading. 
 
 Asia, Mrs. Chauncey Shady. 
 
48 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Bat. Mrs. Shady ! Mrs. Shady, I am proud of your ac- 
 quaintance. {Aside?) A married lady — a widow maybe. I 
 wonder if she likes it. {AIoikI.') I am glad to see you. 
 
 Asia. One of the descendants of the Pilgrims, so Jerome 
 says, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. Did you tell her so, Colonel ? {He signifies he did?) 
 Oh ! then I am so. I saw a picture of " Pilgrim's Progress" 
 down to that dance hall, looking after Abby Bacon. (Aside ; 
 he laughs.) I guess I won't say nothin' about the "Saints' 
 Rest." (Aloud.) Ladies, I am proud to say that I am one 
 of the Pilgrims' posterity that landed on Plymouth Rock before 
 I was born. (Silk covers Bat.'s mouth with his hand ; the 
 party of ladies retire up in conversation. Bat. to Silk.) 
 Have you seen anything of Miss Patridge, Colonel ? 
 
 Silk. Never mind Miss Partridge. 
 
 Bat. Yes, I do mind Miss Patridge. Hannah is a good 
 deal better than she looks. I've been courting her twenty 
 
 years. Colonel, and if nothin' happens I shall (^Whispers 
 
 in his ear.) I shall, by Jonah ! 
 
 Silk. Nonsense, you are not a marrying man. 
 
 Bat. Yes, I am ; I mean to be. (Silk takes Asia's arm 
 and with the party retires. Mrs. S. lingers as if to have Bat. 
 give her his arfn.) Yes, when the time comes, I'll marry; I 
 will be a marrying man. 
 
 Mrs. S. Are you not a marrying man ? 
 
 Bat. Me? Yes; I've just said so. 
 
 Mrs. S. Are you engaged to any young lady? 
 
 Bat. Young lady? No. 
 
 Mrs. S. Well, Mr. Batkins, if you have no preference for 
 any other lady, and you think of getting married, you can 
 have me one of these days. 
 
 Bat. (turning around). How you talk. Colonel. (Sees 
 Mrs. S.) Mrs. Shady, your most obedient. (She gives him a 
 bouquet.) Thank you kindly, ma'am. (He takes the bouquet, 
 puts it to his 710 se and walks away from her. A Gentleman 
 enters c.) I wonder what I ought to say to her. She's so 
 polite. (Turns toward Mrs. S. as the Gentleman offers his 
 arm to her; they exeunt together.) A pretty bunch of 
 posies ; smell good, tu. Guess the widow's got another feller. 
 Seems to me as if I was dreaming ; my head feels as big as a 
 water-bucket, iron hooped, tight as a new-tired cart-wheel. My 
 hair feels as if it was in a red-hot rat trap. My head sizzles as 
 if some one was frying fish in it. (Gapes and yawns.) I 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 49 
 
 made a hole in my manners somehow, I'm afraid I must go 
 home and go to bed. I'm not used to sitting up late. 
 
 {He sits in a chair, getting sleepy. The party of ladies and 
 gentlemen return. Bat. has taken with him a flagon 
 from which he occasionally drinks. Mrs. S. approaches 
 him coquettishly.^ 
 
 Silk. Now, Miss Nightingale, do favor us with a ballad. 
 My friends would be delighted to hear you. {Sees Bat. and 
 touches him.) Batkins, wake up ! 
 
 Bat. {rousing himself). Mr. Speaker! {Looks about.) 
 Yes, yes, Colonel. 
 
 Miss N. I will sing with great pleasure, but no criticisms, 
 as I have a very bad hoarseness. 
 
 Silk. I never knew a singer who had not a bad hoarseness. 
 
 Bat. What's that she's got — horse nests. What's them, 
 Colonel ? 
 
 Silk. Be quiet, Batkins. Hear the ballad. 
 
 (Miss N. sings a verse of some popular ballad. Bat. , during 
 the ballad, as the opportunity occurs, interrupts by speak- 
 ing.) 
 
 Bat. {waking up). Mr. Speaker ! I second the motion. 
 Caterpillars — Philips tremble — let the war-horses scream. {At 
 the close of the verse he is asleep and quiet ; the ladies and 
 gentlemen applaud the song. Silk wakes him ; he starts up.) 
 I rise, Mr. Speaker— — {He sees the situation.) That's a 
 hansome song, Mrs. Shady ; you sing like a bird ; sing some 
 more ballad. 
 
 Miss N. {coughing and clearing her throat). Now if I 
 break down, you must excuse me. 
 
 (Bat., seated in the chair, is trying to keep awake.) 
 
 READY dance music* 
 
 Asia {to Silk). Your friend is rather inclined to be dozing. 
 
 Silk. Yes, champagne and the affairs of state are too much 
 for him, eh, Batkins ? 
 
 Bat. No ; it's the leetle fishes and the State House mixed 
 up. Colonel. (Miss N. sings second verse ; during this Bat. 
 occasionally snores ; at the close of the ballad, Silk puts the 
 bouquet to his nose; Bat. sneezes and starts up.) Mr. 
 Speaker ! {All laugh and applaud.) Say, Colonel, I guess 
 
50 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 I've had the nightmare. Colonel, I guess I'd better go home. 
 Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all good-evening. Say, 
 Colonel, haven't you seen anything of Miss Patridge ? 
 Silk. I have not. 
 
 MUSIC begins. 
 
 {At music, Bat., going out, stops.) 
 
 Bat. Hallo, Colonel, what's all that about? 
 
 Asia. Preparations for a dance. I hope you will remain ? 
 
 Bat. Well, I always did like to dance ; I will just try one. 
 But, Colonel — I feel kind o' one-sided ; I used to be great on 
 the pigeon wing. {Practices.') 
 
 Asia {presenting Mrs. S.). A partner, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. Much pleased, ma'am. {Takes out his handkerchief 
 to wipe his forehead; pieces of plate fall on stage ; he stoops 
 to pick them up, Silk standing before him to conceal the action.) 
 I forgot the pesky crockery, Colonel. 
 
 ( They retire up together ; all take their places for a dance ; 
 as Bat. leads Mrs. S. to her place, Han. enters, observ- 
 ing Bat., who is very attentive to Mrs. S. Han seems 
 surprised. ) 
 
 Han. Well, what will he do next ? I'll observe him. 
 
 {Flaunts off indignantly. Dance. At the conclusion Han. 
 enters dressed to go home. Bat. is flirting with Mrs. S.) 
 
 MUSIC stops. 
 
 WARN curtain. 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins, I am tired of waiting ; will you please 
 to go home with me ? 
 
 Bat. Yes, Miss Patridge. {Looks at Mrs. S.) One more 
 dance. 
 
 Asia. Yes, Aunt Hannah, one more dance ; you were fond 
 of dancing when you were young. 
 
 Han. My dancing days are over, and so yours ought to be, 
 Mr. Batkins. 
 
 MUSIC recommences. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 51 
 
 {All take places and the dance begins. Han, , excited, endeavors 
 to get hold of Bat. when he approaches her ; trying to 
 avoid her, he falls down. Han. takes him by the back of 
 his coat collar which gives away in part, his coat slipping 
 over his head. Silk endeavors to assist him to rise. Gen- 
 eral consternation, curtain falling on an animated tableau.) 
 
 RING curtain as coat comes off. 
 QUICK CURTAIN 
 
 ACT IV 
 
 Scene I. — A street. Local view with winter effects, snow, 
 ice, etc., etc. 
 
 Enter Y'E.e., followed by Tom, his dress changed; he wears a 
 pair of patent leather gaiter boots too large but otherwise 
 neat and stylish. He has a high white hat. 
 
 LIGHTS half down. 
 
 Fee. Tom ! Is that the nearest approach to gentility you 
 can make ? 
 
 Tom. Best I can get up from a combination of my own 
 wardrobe and that of a fellow lodger. 
 
 Fee. If I should give you an outfit, you would sell it or 
 spout it. Let me see, I can hire a suit. I don't want to put 
 out too much on this speculation. 
 
 Tom. You used to serve Mr. Gruel, your clerk, better 
 than me. 
 
 Fee. Gruel ? Well thought of, Tom ; there's Gruel's 
 clothes — last new suit. He died last week ; his clothes will 
 just fit you. You must look something like a gentleman, to 
 represent the son of the late Jeremiah King. Yes, I am Gruel's 
 executor. You shall wear his clothes. 
 
 Tom. What disease did Gruel die of? 
 
52 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Fee. No disease ; he rusted out, as lawyers' clerks are apt 
 to do. So there's no fear of contagion. He died of no dis- 
 ease, Tom. 
 
 Tom. Then what killed him? 
 
 Fee. The doctors, they say. 
 
 Tom. Kind of wored out, I reckon ; a good deal of work 
 and little pay. Gruel said you didn't pay him none too much. 
 Well, sir, I don't object to getting into Gruel's shoes, but then I 
 must have a little salt first, you know. 
 
 Fee. Salt, Tom ? 
 
 Tom. Some folks calls it tip— some swag — some rhino ; as 
 I consider money as a great life preserver, I calls it salt. If I 
 am an heir apparent, as you call it, I want it apparent that I 
 am in funds. 
 
 Fee. You are witty ; it's a talent that is better than riches. 
 
 Tom. Well, sir. I should rayther have your money than 
 your wit. You can have my wit for money. 
 
 Fee. Go get into Gruel's clothes ; there's a dollar. 
 
 (Jaives him a dollar.) 
 
 Tom. Four more like this, or one for a five, elseways you 
 don't see me gettin' into Gruel's clothes. 
 
 Fee. What a world. You take advantage of my misfor- 
 tune. There — there is four more dollars, that's five ; go put 
 on Gruel's clothes and be ready when I want you. 
 
 (^Gives Tom money.') 
 
 Tom. I'm all right, now ; don't get ahead of me any more, 
 Governor. If you take me into anything when there's " money 
 in it," I must have my divy. Some of it in advance also. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Fee. It does seem to me that things look right for a sort of 
 legal "coup de etat." If the will case fails, the breach of 
 promise is sure. Ah ! here comes Batkins. I don't want to 
 see him just now. He's getting a little suspicious. Yes, I have 
 business in another direction. 
 
 {He exits. Bat. enters opposite side. He appears to he in 
 ill humor ; walks about.) 
 
 Bat. I believe it. I won't stand it any longer. (Silk 
 enters.) Colonel, that Speaker of the House must have a 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 53 
 
 grudge agin me or the town I represent ; he never catches my 
 eye. Here I've been here three months trying to get off my 
 speech. He can see the member from Lowell, or Danvers, or 
 Sqiiashtown or Suckerville, when they say "Mr. Speaker," 
 after I've been up. Big towns is bad things, Mr. Silk'; it is 
 the darned klinks' influence to put me down ; but I shan't be 
 put down ; I'll speak on the Caterpillar question yet. 
 
 Silk. I hope you will, sir. I will have some of my friends 
 put a word in the Speaker's ear for you. 
 
 Bat. Do, Colonel, and I'll put a flea in his ear if he insults 
 my constituents. 
 
 Silk. Batkins, where are those papers Feedle gave you to 
 hand me? 
 
 Bat. Safe in my pocket ever since ; you want 'em. Colonel ? 
 
 Silk. If you please. I went up to the House after you. 
 I've been looking for you everywhere. 
 
 Bat. Yes, Colonel ; but I ain't been there to-day. {He is 
 feeling in his pockets for the papers.') When are you goin' to 
 be married to that rich gal. Colonel ? Miss Asia, as they call 
 her? 
 
 Silk. Next week, if nothing happens. 
 
 Bat. What do you expect can happen ? Though a good 
 deal can happen to a gal in a week. {Hands the papers in an 
 envelope.) This your dockyments. You will invite me to the 
 weddin', I s'pose? 
 
 Silk. Of course. {Reads.) "Col. J. S. Silk." Ahem! 
 All right. Yes, I will invite you and all your friends. 
 
 Bat. Have sardines at weddin's? Fishes biled in ile? 
 Young gal 'pears kind of fond of them things. I don't know 
 about your fashionable parties. The sardines, the gaslights, 
 or that stuff" in the bottles with silver skins on um, makes my 
 ideas mix up so that when I go to the House next day, I vote 
 on the wrong side. 
 
 Silk. Oh, no, Batkins, you never get on the wrong side. I 
 shall see you this evening. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Bat. That's a nice feller, Silk ; but he has never introduced 
 me to his pardners, Short and Skinem. I lent him fifty dollars. 
 I was going to ask him for it ; part on it is Bob Swasey's, for 
 hogs of hisn that I sold ; whenever I git most ready to dun 
 him, he says something so darned good-natured that I kind o' 
 don't like tu, (Silk returns.) 
 
54 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Silk. Batkins, I forgot to hand you that fifty dollars ; have 
 you got that little note about you ? 
 
 Bat . I shouldn't wonder if I had ; you want to pay it? 
 Silk. I say, by the way, how is Miss Partridge? 
 
 (Bat. has taken out a large pocketbook from which he takes 
 
 the note.) 
 
 Bat. Miss Patridge is pretty well, Colonel, Does that look 
 like it? {Shows hun note.') 
 
 Silk. Yes, it looks as if it had been a long time in circu- 
 lation. 
 
 Bat, Yes, it has been handled some. I had it since last 
 January, I take account of stock every night. 
 
 Silk. Very odd circumstance, "J. S. Silk will return J. 
 S, Batkins fifty dollars." Why, my initials are like yours, J. 
 S, Silk — J. S. Batkins. Jerome Splendid Silk is mine, what is 
 yours ? {Both hold the note.) 
 
 Bat. Talking of Miss Patridge, her father named me ; he 
 was a real Demicrat ; he put the Jefferson in my name. Scat- 
 tering come next, after my father, who periodically run for 
 Selectman of Cranberry Centre, and come in on the scattering 
 list. 
 
 Silk, Yes, Well, I'll give you the fifty dollars. (^He 
 takes out his purse, opens it, feels in all his pockets ; the move- 
 ments are watched with changing expressions of countenance 
 by Bat,) You see, yesterday I was settling all my little affairs, 
 I settled all but yours, and I put your fifty in here in a piece 
 of paper with your name marked on it, Batkins* fifty. Ah, 
 here it is, {Takes out paper.) 
 
 Bat, The money ? 
 
 Silk. No, the paper ; there it is — you see, Batkins ? 
 
 Bat. Yes, I see the paper. 
 
 Silk, What could have become of the money ? I did not 
 pay you last night, did I ? 
 
 Bat, No, sir. I ain't laid my eyes on no money of yours 
 since the day I give you mine (aside), and arter this I'm a 
 leetle skeered I never shall. 
 
 Silk. It is strange how the money got out of that paper. 
 I'll hand it to you the next time I see you. I was just going 
 
 to purchase a bouquet for Asia and a — a Batkins, you 
 
 must oblige me with the trifle of ten dollars more, Asia must 
 have her bouquet. I am going down to my bankers, I will 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 55 
 
 hand you the ten with the fifty ; that will noake sixty, Batkins, 
 you know. 
 
 Bat. {aside). Now I can't tell a lie as folks do, and say I 
 ain't got ten dollars, and I don't want tu put the Colonel out; 
 I s'pose he's good for sixty if he is for fifty. {He pulls out the 
 pocketbook and gives hiin a note ; hesitatingly.) You'll give it 
 back to me to-night, 'pon honor ? 
 
 Silk. Certainly — of course, Batkins ; when I give you the 
 fifty. 
 
 Bat. {aside). That's hoop-pole and axe-handle money. 
 
 Silk {putting the note in his purse). Let me know when 
 your speech comes off, Batkins; I'll bring all my fashionable 
 friends to hear it. 
 
 Bat. Yes, but don't forget the sixty dollars. I notice one 
 thing ; the most fashionable people borrow the most money. 
 I hope they pay, 'cause. Colonel, it is our doctrine up to Cran- 
 berry Centre that it ain't honest to borrow money and not pay 
 it back agin. Now I may be a leetle unwise or so, but if I 
 thought I had a drop of rascally blood in my veins, I'd bleed 
 it out if I killed the crittar doin' it. So don't forget the sixty 
 dollars. Colonel ! It ain't my money, you know. 
 
 READY change. 
 
 Silk {aside). I'm in funds until to-morrow. {Aloud.) 
 Batkins, I won't forget you this time. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Bat. {looking after him). Sixty dollars ! Insted of gittin' 
 back my fifty, I gin him ten dollars more. He must be rich; 
 he wears fine clothes; I guess he's good enough, and yet I feel 
 kind o' skettish about it. He says his pardners. Short and 
 Skinem, invest the money so close there's no margin for him, 
 as he calls it. He keeps good company, that's so. He took 
 me inter that fine house, where Miss Asia gin the "fishes biled 
 in ile," an' he's goin' to marry her, tu. He must love her to 
 gin ten dollars for a bucket of posies for her — my ten dollars. 
 I guess it's all right. I guess the Colonel is good. Sixty 
 dollars ! If he shouldn't pay me, that would eat a hole in my 
 "per diem" for services at the State House. Sixty dollars ! 
 I guess I'll see what Miss Patridge thinks about it. Sixty dol- 
 lars 1 I guess it's good ; he's goin' to come up and hear my 
 speech. I guess the Colonel means to pay the sixty dollars. 
 
56 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Jerome Splendid Silkj handsome name. Yes, I guess he's 
 good. 
 
 Exit: 
 
 CHANGE set 
 
 Scene II. — Austin's house as in Act I. 
 Enter Han., knitting, with Sarah. 
 
 LIGHTS full op. 
 
 Sarah. Now tell me, aunt, who you are knitting those nice 
 stockings for ? 
 
 Han. I can't tell, I'm sure, who will wear these footings; 
 perhaps your father will. 
 
 Sarah. Why have you let in that letter B so prettily in red? 
 Austin does not begin with the letter B. Batkins does, aunt, 
 
 Han. (taking stocking'). Nonsense ! B begins many other 
 names than Batkins. Brother begins with B ; so does Brown. 
 Why not Brown as well as Batkins ? 
 
 Sarah. Ah, aunt, Brown as well as Batkins, eh? (Asia 
 enters c. d. Sarah goes to itieet her.) Why, Asia, I am 
 happy to see you if it is really you. 
 
 Asia. My dear Sarah, my visits in future will be more fre- 
 quent. Aunt Hannah, how do you do ? 
 
 Han. Tolerable well for an old lady. 
 
 Asia. An old lady? Why, I am sure you look younger 
 than I do. 
 
 Han. I don't set up all night and then lay abed all day. 
 (Aside.) That's a hint for her. 
 
 Asia. Don't be severe. Aunt Hannah ; society is exciting. 
 I shall reform as I grow older. I came here at the suggestion 
 of your dear friend, Glandon King, with whom I have had 
 some confidential relations. 
 
 Sarah. We hear you are soon to be married. 
 
 Asia. I had so determined. Colonel Silk had interested 
 me. As to marriage, that will depend upon Mr. King's advice 
 in the matter. 
 
 Sarah. Indeed ? 
 
 Asia. You need not be jealous. I believe Colonel Silk is 
 coming here on business ; I do not care to meet him at pres- 
 ent; I will explain my position to you. 
 
 Sarah. Come into my room. Aunt Hannah, if Mr. King 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 57 
 
 comes and inquires for us, say to him he can join us if so 
 inclined. 
 
 Han. Oh, he will join you fast enough. Men don't re- 
 quire to be told to do what pleases them to do. (Sarah and 
 Asia exeunt, d. r.) I shall finish these stockings tonight. 
 
 Enter Bat., c. d. 
 
 Bat. There she is at it agin, eternally knitting stockings ; 
 I wonder who they are all for? I'm going to have it under- 
 stood to-day; the session's most over, and when I go home I'm 
 goin' to carry a wife to Cranberry Centre. {He takes a chair 
 and sits beside her, she looking slyly at him behind her knit- 
 ting?) Miss Patridge ! 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins. 
 
 Bat. I want to ask you a question. Who in thunder are 
 you knitting so many footings for ? 
 
 Han. Is that the way a gentleman, a member of the House 
 of Representatives of the state of (local), addresses a lady ? 
 
 Bat. Well, I s'pose not, Miss Patridge, but I was kind of 
 mad at you because you got to be so unsociable. I told you 
 when I first came here that I wanted a wife, when all at once 
 you got to be so polite that I couldn't do any courting at all. 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins, you know the reason of my reserve. I 
 have not forgotten your capers at Miss Greenwood's party, 
 your committee business, and that Abby Bacon affair. 
 
 Bat. Yes, when my coat got such a ripping. Abby Bacon 
 is nothin' tu me. 
 
 Han. I mended your coat, Mr. Batkins, so it was as good 
 as new 
 
 Bat. Never mind the coat. You know. Miss Patridge, 
 folks at the Centre always talked that we should have made a 
 good match, and but for some things that happened, and if — 
 some things had not happened, and if you hadn't moved off 
 from Cranberry Centre, maybe it might have happened long 
 ago. 
 
 Han. What, Mr. Batkins, might have happened ? 
 
 Bat. Why, our wedding. Miss Patridge. Haven't I said 
 enough for you to see which way the cat jumps ? 
 
 Han. Cat jumps, Mr. Batkins? I don't know what you 
 mean. If anybody wants anything of me, they must speak out 
 plain ; no buts — ifs and maybes. Mr. Jefferson S. Batkins, 
 what do you want ? 
 
 Bat. Miss Hannah Patridge, I want you to say you'll 
 
58 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 marry me. That's straight up to the pint now, ain't it ? What 
 do you say ? 
 
 Han. I don't say no an' I don't say that I shall say yes, 
 but if I should, Mr. Batkins, no dancing with young girls, no 
 committee meetings nights. You must promise that, and then 
 I'll think about it ; do you agree to that ? 
 
 Bat. Well, I'll agree to most anything, but ain't that a 
 leetle on the petticoat rule ? I go agin that, as I say in my 
 speech on that question: "Woman's place, Mr. Speaker, is 
 the domestic fireside where she rears future generations. Man 
 is the head of creation." I'll agree to anything that don't go 
 agin that idea. 1 don't believe in hens in politics, or women 
 wearing spurs, or riding war-horses. As I say : " Mr. Speaker, 
 let the Prussian Cossacks charge over the Atlantic Ocean, and 
 the fierce Huzzars of Spain perambulate through the Capital of 
 Washington, before men submit to be ruled, politically, by 
 dazzling queens in hoop-skirts, bustles, feathers, high-heeled 
 boots and all the rest of the curlicues of female admiration." 
 Now that's pretty high up. Ain't it, Hannah ? 
 
 Han. Hannah ! Sir ! 
 
 Bat. Well, Miss Patridge, how particular you be ! What 
 can I do to please you ? 
 
 Han. Well, Mr. Batkins, will you hold this hank of yarn 
 for me ? (^Offers it to him?) 
 
 Bat. Well, Miss Patridge, ain't that a leetle agin the dig- 
 nity of a member ? 
 
 Han. No, sir. I thought you would refuse. 
 
 Bat. Well, Miss Patridge, I don't refuse ; I will hold the 
 yarn for you. {She places the yarn on his hands ; he holds it 
 awkzvardly.') What would the klinks say if they saw this 
 pictur afore 'em? This is what I call protecting domestic 
 manufactures. 
 
 Han. a little more steady, Mr. Batkins. 
 
 {She winds the yarn ; he laughs and moves about.') 
 
 Bat. Wind her off as quick as you can, Miss Patridge. 
 
 Han. Keep still, Jefferson. Mr. Batkins, what was you 
 laughing about ? 
 
 Bat. Thinking of them leetle fishes biled in ile that I tried 
 to chaw up in Miss Greenwood's best room when I first come 
 to {local). I was a leetle green then; I am wise now. 
 
 Han. Bought experience is good, Mr. Batkins, if you don't 
 pay too much for it. Bless me, there's a knot. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 59 
 
 (She puts on her glasses to pick it out.') 
 
 Bat. Shan't I help you? {He puis down the yarn, puts 
 on his glasses, takes up the yarn.) Where is the knot ? 
 
 {He gets her head down near to his hands, approaches her 
 suddefily and kisses her ; both start up and stand still. 
 Pause.) 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins, what have you done ? 
 
 Bat. I couldn't help it, Hannah ; the fact is, the fact is, 
 natur made a move, and I seconded the motion. 
 
 Han. Suppose anybody had seen you? There, see how 
 you have tangled up the yarn. 
 
 Bat. Well, I'll hold the hank, and you can pick out the 
 knots agin. 
 
 {As they are endeavoring to unravel the yarn, Austin enters 
 c. D., with Perk. a«^KiNG.) 
 
 Austin. We have heard of such a report. 
 
 King. I have directed the person from whom I received the 
 information to attend you here. I have also invited others who 
 may be interested to be present. I am sure you will excuse the 
 liberty I have taken when you know my motive. 
 
 Han. Mr. King, Miss Austin is in her room with her Cousin 
 Asia. Mr. Batkins, we can finish the yarn in some other 
 place. 
 
 Bat. Certainly ! Mr. Perkins, I am glad to see you. Mr. 
 King, whenever I see you, I think of your father ; Jerry and I 
 courted the same gal. I see you are going to hold a leetle cau- 
 cus here. If I can be of any service to anybody, I shall be 
 close by. Miss Patridge, we had better adjourn to your room, 
 and take the kinks out of your yarn. 
 
 {He has entangled himself in the yarn, and with awkward at- 
 tempts at disengagement, he leaves the room with Han., 
 D. R. Austin and Perk, are engaged in conversation 
 over papers.) 
 
 Austin. A moment's delay, Mr. King, and we shall be 
 ready. 
 
 Enter Fee., c. d., with Tom, dressed in black ; his clothes 
 must be very large, much too large for him. A large crepe 
 band on his hat. Silk follows. 
 
6o THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Fee. I hope I have not delayed your business. Colonel 
 Silk, you are acquainted with all parties here, but this gentle- 
 man, formerly known as Tom Pinfeather, I now formally intro- 
 duce to you as Thomas Moon King, Esq., son of the late Jere- 
 miah King. His elder son — your brother, Mr. Glandon King. 
 {A formal tntroduciion ; King disiatit atui dignified ; Tom 
 awkward and grotesque.^ Mr. Glandon King, if you are 
 ready, we will proceed to business. 
 
 King. Gentlemen, this person declares he has the knowledge 
 of a vvill of my late father of a date subsequent to that published 
 some time since, by the conditions of which that wretched look- 
 ing young man and myself are joint heirs. Am I right ? 
 
 Fee. Yes, sir, that's our case. 
 
 Austin. Still another, with a codicil, has been found, the 
 date as yet unknown. You may remain, with your client, to 
 be present at the breaking of the seal. If the document upon 
 which your claim is based is of a later date and properly exe- 
 cuted, the claim will be recognized. 
 
 {^He whispers to King, who exits d. r.) 
 
 Fee. That is all we ask, Tom. Don't you show the white 
 feather, and above all don't forget your name is Thomas Moon 
 King. {Aside to Tom.) 
 
 Tom. I'm all wrong. I wish I was back to the "Saints' 
 Rest." 
 
 (Austin and Perk, are at the table c. King enters d. r., 
 
 with Sarah and Ksik.') 
 
 Silk. Ah, my adorable Asia ! Feedle, I am all right ! 
 {Aside.) My intended seems inclined to cut me; I wonder if 
 anything has slipped up ! {He crosses to Asia.) Miss Green- 
 wood, I 
 
 Asia. Mr. King. {She turns from hifn.) Excuse me, 
 Colonel Silk, I have a communication to make to Mr. King. 
 
 Silk. Certainly, my adorable. 
 
 (King, with Sarah afid Asia, retire up together ; Bat. en- 
 ters with Han.) 
 
 Bat. Do we intrude. Miss Patridge and I ? 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 6 1 
 
 Austin. No, we desire your company j be seated. 
 {All are seated?) 
 POSITIONS 
 
 Austin. 
 
 Perk. 
 
 Sarah. 
 
 Asia. 
 
 King. 
 
 Silk. 
 
 Han. 
 
 Fee. 
 
 Bat. 
 
 Tom. 
 
 Austin. In presence of you all I break the seal of this en- 
 velope, upon which is marked codicil. {^He breaks seal and 
 takes from the envelope a paper; reads. ^ "Three months 
 after the opening of an envelope marked No. i, which contains 
 my will, I iiave instructed my trustees and executors to open 
 an envelope marked No. 2, left in the hands of Francis Perk- 
 ins, this to be done in presence of my son, Glandon King, if he 
 be alive, and such other persons as may be presumed to have 
 an interest in my estate. Codicil ! " (^He takes from an en- 
 velope another document; reads.) "If Glandon Kmg, my 
 dear and only son " 
 
 Tom {to Fee.). How is that? Only son — where am I? 
 
 Fee. {to Tom). Hush, Tom. 
 
 Austin {continuing reading'). " Has not disputed or 
 
 endeavored to evade the conditions of my will executed Decem- 
 ber 18, but has confided in the wisdom and judgment of a 
 father who loves him, then, in addition to the old Silver Spoon 
 which has been in our family since the landing of its original 
 possessor at Plymouth Rock, I give all my estate, real and per- 
 sonal, to him and his heirs forever. The trustees named in the 
 former will will assist my son in the proper distribution of lega- 
 cies named." 
 
 Bat. Well, Mr. King, that's a streak of luck. Your father 
 was a nice man ; I'm your executor — a wise man. 
 
 Austin. Mr. Feedle, is the date of your will in favor of the 
 joint heirs of later date ? 
 
 Fee. No, sir, I think not. {To Tom, aside.) Tom, do 
 you know that man? {Points to Bat.) 
 
 Tom {aside). Yes. The member from Cranberry Centre 
 that danced down to the " Saints' Rest." Shall I blow on him ? 
 
 (Perk., Austin, Sarah and King are talking together, also 
 Bat. and Han.) 
 
62 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 Silk. My adorable Asia. 
 
 Asia. Colonel Silk, my name is Greenwood. I prefer here- 
 after, when you address me, that you should remember it. 
 
 Silk. But are we not engaged to be married ? 
 
 Asia. 1 fear not, sir ; our engagement was the result of 
 thoughtless haste on my part ; I wish to be released. 
 
 Silk. Are you serious, Miss Greenwood ? 
 
 Asia. I am indeed, sir. {She joins Sakah andY^v^Q.') 
 
 Silk {to Fee.). She declines to fulfil her engagement. 
 
 Fee. Well, sue her on the contract. {They talk apart.') 
 
 Bat. I tell you, Hannah, they be goin' to be married. 
 Now say yes to me ; don't be skeered out of being Mrs. Batkins 
 by anything any klinks of old maids may say, or young gals, 
 either one. 
 
 Han. Wait until the session's over. 
 
 Bat. {seeing Tom). Why, that's the feller that kept the 
 dance shop at the "Saints' Rest." "Pilgrim's Progress." 
 He don't know me. I rather guess I won't see him. {To 
 Han.) Hannah, I want to speak to you. 
 
 {They retire up. King comes down to Silk.) 
 
 King. Colonel Silk, Miss Greenwood has referred to me a 
 delicate matter for settlement. I understand you have some- 
 how obtained from her a promise of marriage. 
 
 Silk. I have, sir, a promise in writing. 
 
 King. Place in my hand evidence of your claim. Your 
 object was, I suppose, money. If your contract is a legal one, 
 it will not be disputed by her, and a compromise may be 
 made. 
 
 Silk. You talk like a man of sense. I am open to com- 
 promise. 
 
 King. You will not require the presence of your counselor ; 
 Mr. Feedle, if we need you, you shall be sent for. 
 
 Fee. Yes, sir ; I suppose Mr. Thomas Moon King may re- 
 tire with me, for the present ? 
 
 King. If he pleases. 
 
 Fee. {to Tom). It's all up with us, Tom ; if Silk don't do 
 better than we have, there's no money in the job. 
 
 Tom. No divy for me? I'll blow. 
 
 {They exeunt. Silk has given King the enveJope from which 
 he takes a paper.) 
 
 King. "Bill for the encouragement of Caterpillars." 
 
THE SILVER SPOON ^3 
 
 Bat. Hello! That's mine. Confidential papers. 
 
 ( Takes it. ) 
 King. " A Bill to protect Toads and Frogs." 
 
 {All are astonished.) 
 Bat. Why, that's mine, too. Public dockyraents. 
 
 {Takes it.) 
 King (opening another paper). <' Speech delivered by 
 
 Bat. iviy speccn rq-^h.. it with envelope and looks 
 
 come vou by those papers ? {lakes tt wiin eiwa j^ ^^ 
 S7n "Mr. Speaker. I rise on this occasion —- Yes, 
 
 mv soeech I thought that was safe in my pocket "Re- 
 my speeci . x uu 5 ^^ marked on it 
 
 reived w th great attention Jtes, laai vv 
 
 ceiveu wi g ,, speech will go all over the 
 
 by the printer. i^ress ,.,L\-.^^^^. <« That powerful 
 wnrld • hear what I say about the press . ^ "«^'- v 
 
 from him I received the packet. 
 
 rBAT has been searching his pockets and takes from one a 
 similar efwelope ; he compares them.) 
 
 Bat My mistake, Colonel. I give him the wrong papers 
 luckily for me. If I had a-lost that speech, it would have been 
 a nadonal calamity to the state of {local). Mr. King, would 
 vou like to hear a leetle of my speech ? 
 
 ^ K NG. Not now, sir. {He takes the envelope; the contract 
 is taken out; King reads it. Bat. u.-thH.^-, showing his 
 speech.) A promise to Jerome Splendid bilk. 
 
 KmG Mn Jerome Splendid Silk, you left home for Liver- 
 pool in a packet in which I was a passenger about a year ago. 
 Silk. I had the pleasure. 
 King. Since that time I have visited Liverpool again. 
 
 King I have in my possession a document in which refer- 
 enc^ is made to one John Haddock. If this is correct, you 
 perceive your claim to Miss Greenwood's hand in consequence 
 
64 THE SILVER SPOON 
 
 of her promise is not worth the paper upon which it is 
 written. 
 
 Silk. I do not know that, sir. 
 
 King. Shall I read it to the company ? 
 
 Silk. No, sir. I am of your opinion. {Aside J) In a 
 tight spot. No matter, it is not the first time. {To King.) 
 Ah, I find I have some business in another part of the city, 
 Mr. King, if you have no objections to my retiring. 
 
 King. Not the least ; take your papers, Mr. John Haddock. 
 
 Bat. John Haddock? My, how's that. Colonel? (King 
 joins the others; ^ki. pulls out his pocketbook.^ What's be- 
 come of the Silk ? 
 
 Silk. Haddock's my English name; Silk's my American 
 name. The firm Silk, Short and Skinem refers to Glandon 
 King, Esq. 
 
 Bat. Well, Colonel Haddock, how is it about my sixty 
 dollars ? Here's your note for fifty, and the other was upon 
 honor. 
 
 Silk. I am at present in a financial crisis. I am unable to 
 pay." 
 
 Bat. The hoop-pole and axe-handle money is gone. I say, 
 Colonel — Mr. Haddock, if you don't pay me, I shall consider 
 it cheating. 
 
 Silk. No cheating, Batkins ; only trade. Financiering and 
 matrimonial speculations are my weaknesses, that's all. I'll re- 
 turn your sixty dollars, although the information given to you 
 about caterpillars and the patent for manufacturing Filigree is 
 worth the money. Sell the patent, Batkins, and credit me with 
 the balance. 
 
 Bat. Sell it. Colonel ! They say you have sold me. 
 
 Silk. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to be obliged to leave 
 so respectable a company, and am sorry that I cannot accept 
 an invitation to be present at your respective weddings. (Fee. 
 enters with a Bailiff, c. d. ; points to Silk and puts a writ 
 into the Bailiff's hand, who signifies assent to an order given 
 by Fee. in a whisper ; they both exeunt, c. d. Silk has wit- 
 nessed the entrance of Fee. and the Bailiff.) Ah, that's it, 
 Feedle; sharp, but won't do. I will retire by the back door. 
 Miss Greenwood, if you will allow me, and I hope you may not 
 get a worse husband than your past, present and future ad- 
 mirer, Jerome Splendid Silk. 
 
 Exit, with characteristic business. 
 
THE SILVER SPOON 65 
 
 Bat. Well, I'll be skinned if I can get mad with him, 
 though my sixty dollars is dubiously doubtful investment ; but, 
 my friends and feller citizens, I have got another matter to 
 settle. (^He takes Han. ivith his right hand and leads her 
 down ; with his left he takes from his pocket a play bill adver- 
 tising The Silver Spoon. This may be, according to circum- 
 stances, a one sheet, half sheet or mere dodger of the theatre 
 advertising this attraction, only with the title big enough to be 
 seen from thefront.^ I hold in my hand something of interest 
 to the rising gineration. 
 
 Austin. Which hand, Mr. Batkins ? 
 
 Bat. Don't jest on serious matters. This hand. {Holds 
 up the bill of The Silver Spoon.) Hannah has agreed to marry 
 me — but that's nothin' to do with the rising gineration — on the 
 same day that you get married to Sarah ; that may have some- 
 thing to do with the risin' gineration. 
 
 WARN curtain. 
 
 King. That will be left for Miss Austin's consideration 
 and decision. 
 
 Bat. I hope she will be kind o' quick about it, because 
 Hannah and I are not exactly chickens, you know. 
 
 Han. Mr. Batkins ! (She whispers to him.') 
 
 Bat. Yes, yes — exactly. 
 
 Austin. You can settle your differences hereafter; our 
 friends will be ready to attend both weddings ; and as to your 
 father's will, Mr. King, and the "Silver Spoon" 
 
 Bat. " Silver Spoon " ? Mr. Speaker, I have something to 
 say on the Silver Spoon, and I make a motion, and I second 
 that motion, that all who are in favor of this bill (showing bill 
 to audience) will say " Aye." Those opposed, will say " No." 
 It is a vote. 
 
 RING curtain. 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
NEW PLAYS. 
 
 BOYS WILLBE GIRLS 
 
 A Girtsterous Extravaganza in One Act, 
 By SHERMAN F. JOHNSON, 
 
 AUTHOR OF " MATED BY JURY," ETC. 
 
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 Ksi^u^^n^^ ^^L^/Ttr^ dScln^rao^d without a head- 
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 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
 CHARACTERS: 
 
 Hiram Cheep, school committeeman. 
 
 Knott Innitt, the Janitor 
 
 Miss Ta.ke, a pretty schoolmarm. 
 
 GussiE Gush, a giggling pupU. 
 
 Susy Prim, so ladylike. 
 
 Fan Ball, a national game enthusiast. 
 
 Anna Held, with stage aspirations. 
 
 Lillian Kussell, the girl baritone. 
 
 Ima Kidd, and looks it. 
 
 ToPSY, a brunette. 
 
 Anna Cathkkink, irith more to come. 
 
 Maudie Mudd, vi II m-oimdeA. 
 
 Hattie Hopp, (I lirrhi maiden. 
 
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 STILL WORSE. ^ndjeUingru, better. \^^''^^l^^''^^^^il^ ^ cheerful girl. 
 LOTTA Nerve, and uses it. oAi^i^ix- ^ , 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Enter themerr^sc^gys.^ss^a.^^^^^^ 
 
 ' exhibition." Vocal solos. 
 Fire Drill. 
 
 The Two-Two Train 
 
 A Vaudeville Sketch in One Ad, 
 By HARRY L. NEWTON. 
 
 rely entirely on the strength of the sketch. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
A INliW EDITION. 
 
 MARY STUART. 
 
 A Tragedy in Five Acts, 
 FROM THE GERMAN OF SCHILLER. 
 
 Thirteen male, four female characters, and supernumeraries. Costumes of 
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 can be represented, and is offered on its merits. Plays a full evening. A com- 
 plete and authentic list of costumes is furnished for this edition by the Hayden 
 Costume Co., of Boston. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
 OLD CRONIES. 
 
 c/1 Sketch in One Act, 
 By S. THEYRE SMITH. 
 
 Two male characters. Costumes, modern. No scenery required. A clever 
 little play in which two comedians can furnish a half-hour of rollicking fun. 
 Their awkward attempt to write a joint stock love letter is one of the richest 
 bits of humor ever presented. Plays thirty minutes. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
 Petticoat Perfidy. 
 
 A Comedietta in One Act, 
 
 By SIR CHARLES L. YOUNG. 
 
 Three female characters. Plays thirty minutes. An interior scene. Modern 
 costumes. Bright little society comedy full of wit and very amusing situations. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS. 
 
 THE SCAR1ET~B0NNET, 
 
 A Comedy in T'wo Ads, 
 By HELEN SHERMAN GRJFHTH. 
 
 Six fen^ale cl^aracters Costurnes -odern; scenery, two eaY^,n.t^-|". 
 Another of the popuar series of plays otoo^^^^^^ g _^.^^ ^^^ searching 
 
 Full of life and " go," '^^^^ ^^Vf^sSthi " The contrast between the quaint 
 humor that made "Cranford so fAScmatm. ^^^ j^^ bonnet. 
 
 Miss Mercy and the energetic Miss Hope le^ ^^^ surrounded, is most 
 
 and the charming group of y"^"^?, §" i^„.7 the Misses Mather are forced by 
 
 fiifectlve. Like the ladies of Crantora, lue i ^ ^j^ ^ proceedings 
 
 Seed circumstances to go into husi^^^^^^ 
 
 ItL^iill'i^^^V^tlniro^i^^^^^^^ Plays nearly an hour. 
 
 PRICE i5 CENTS. 
 
 GONE ABROAD. 
 
 A Comedy Sketch in One Ad. 
 By EVELYN GRAY WHITING. 
 
 Four female characters. Costumes, "modern ; scene an easy^^^^^^^^^^^ 
 bright and amusing little skit, satirizuj|cerU.mpha^^^^^^^ 
 
 mulh in the way of Mr Clyde Fitch^ Mrs. ^eariy flattering fict on 
 
 u aninff " abroad" for the summer, and »» .^Yi^.iftei-; in her own house, eating 
 illSing the heated term behind closed shuttei^ in lierow^^^^^ 
 
 clnfed melt and going out ^ov^e^.r-ne^^^^-^ Her de ^^ ^^^ 
 
 SfdV^^rnVaKf "c^af b^e'rrco^Snd^ed. Plays twenty minutes or so. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
 THE 
 
 Beresford Benevolent Society. 
 
 A Fardcat Sketch in One Ad, 
 By LIZZIE B. SCRIBNER. 
 
 seven female, one male characters Mode^ wfforsK 
 
 ?nt^l?kf many such organizations is not yl^oHy ^ f ^'g^l of good-natured and 
 the ^ampTe^f its. members Conta.ns a good d^ S^.^^ ^^^ ^^ ,, 
 
 Slt^af^^Io^^m^^ Fu^ofX^^^ ^- -y ^'^' ^'''' 
 
 twenty minutes to half an hour. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
NEW COMEDIES* 
 
 JUST LIKE PERCY. 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts* 
 By ALICE C. THOMPSON. 
 
 Three male, five female oliaracters. Scenery, one easy interior ; costumes, 
 modern and fashionable. Plays two hours or so. A very easy and pretty piece 
 ol the sort usually described as " society," concerning itself entertainingly and 
 plausibly with the motives and doings of well-bred people habitually averse to 
 horse play and ostentatious emotions. Mrs. Harvey, a widow of a certain age, 
 in the process of captivating Mr. Hudson, a contemporary widower, is obliged 
 to suppress a niece who is objectionable to her quarry, just as Mr. Hudson finds 
 it necessary to modify considerablj; in his account of him to the widow, a 
 strapping son, Percy, of whom he is possessed. The devices they employ in 
 this harmless and necessary deception lead to all manner of unexpected con- 
 sequences. Brightly written and cleverly constructed. Recommended for 
 parlor performance by competent people. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS. 
 
 CHARACTERS: 
 
 Mr. Httdson, a widower, anxioust to reform his lonely condition. 
 
 PERCY Hudson, his son, aged twenty-one, but quoted lower for busiriess purposes, 
 
 Chuistopher MAYPOLE,Vt baaliful wooer. 
 
 Mr.s. Harvey, a widow, in full sympathg with Mr. Hudson, as finally appears. 
 
 Ethel Leicester, her niece, aged seventeen, a " maid " in many senses. 
 
 Mrs. Carter, c true friend. 
 
 Mrs. Maypole, another. 
 
 Hannah, Mrs. Harvey' s maid ; elderly. 
 
 THE BEST MAN. 
 
 (A Comedy in T<zvo <Acts» 
 
 By HAROLD HALE, 
 
 AUTHOR OF "A TAX ON BACHELORS," " WHAT THEY DID FOR JENKINS," ETC. 
 
 Three male, four female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for 
 both acts. Costumes, modern and fashionable. Plays an hour and a half or so. 
 A clever little play, celebrating some of the mysteries of weddings. The author 
 is a disciple of the knowing and unscrupulous school of Mr. Clyde Fitch, and 
 does not hesitate to take us behind the scenes of the preliminary canter to 
 matrimony with very humorous results. All the cast are young people, and 
 the atmosphere of the piece is very fresh and breezy. Oiie of those " con- 
 fessions " that will tickle the married because they have been there, and inter- 
 est the single because it is something they have yet to suffer. A novelty that 
 is sure to take. 
 
 PRICE J5 CENTS. 
 
^ PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARA<:TERS ONLY. 
 
 MISS FE/^ESS & CO. 
 
 By BELLE MARSH^L^LOC^;^^^^,,,,,,,, etc 
 
 ;u- has been 
 
 recommended. ^"J.^Hane Lovejoy, Katie OConnm ai i y ^^^ » gUent 
 
 CHARACTERS: 
 
 " JUST LIZZIE," t^ g'tOS'- . 
 
 dollars or thirty days- JoUy'^'| ^^^ ^^^^1^ S*'=^^-„ ;„ the honse. The ghost. 
 A cure for ^^rves What s tue ^^ A i"an " t^e^hons^ ^^^ 
 
 ACT II. At Spook I*,land. \^.^^^^ from tt^««'"«"'J„m5s flame. Alluring 
 Flagged! A traitor uicamp^ Discovering John. Phemie s 
 
 Tbusinksmeeting 
 
 ^ Parlor Play in One Ad. 
 By ARLO BATES. 
 
 ^UTHOB OF "A GENTLE JUBY," ^^^; fe^t if any 
 
 ,en female c^ara^te..^ Costumes^dern ^^J^^^ ^^^^ 
 
 r?B^HMiorrusx^;&-and.u^^^^ 
 
 irdm^endedfor la^^^j^'^- ^^ ^^^^S. 
 
NEW PLAYS. 
 
 ALL CHARLEY^S FAULT. 
 
 c^n Original Farce in T<zvo Ads* 
 By ANTHONY E. WILLS, 
 
 AUTHOR OF " LIBERTY CORNEKS," ETC. 
 
 Six male, three female cliaraeters. Scenery, an easy interior ; costumes, 
 modern anil eccentric. Actual playing time two hours, but can be made to 
 play an entire evening by introducing specialties. A very lively and laughable 
 piece, full of action and movement, and admirably adapted for amateur per- 
 formance. It was written by a prominent and capable " coach " for auititeur 
 theatricals, and offers all the advantages in production that are insured by 
 this circumstance. Characters, very varied and effective ; Dutch and Negro 
 comedy characters, and plenty of opportunity for good dressing. Plays very 
 rapidly with lots of incident and not a dull moment. Needs careful rehearsing, 
 but is well worth it. Free for amateurs, but professional stage rights are re- 
 served by the author. Strongly recommended. 
 
 PRICE J5 CENTS. 
 
 CHARACTERS: 
 
 General Waldo Blake, a retired merchant (Character Old Man). 
 
 Charles Blake, his son (Leading). 
 
 Harry Dodsworth, his friend (Juvenile). 
 
 JiMMiE Hughes, No. 1999 W. U. T. Co. (Character). 
 
 Professor Kriegek, a Professor of Music ( Character). 
 
 Chipps, a colored butler (Character). 
 
 Margaret Blake, I ^„„„i,/„„, „f ,1,. aeneral (Straight). 
 
 Eleanor Blake, \ (i^^^dhters 0/ t/ie Lrenerai ^straight). 
 
 KiTTiE, in the General's employ (Character). 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — Drawing-room in the Blake residence. Spinning the web. A boom 
 in Professors. Charley all tangled up. 
 
 Act II. — At the Blake's again . Professors quoted higher, but plenty offer- 
 ing. Charley disentangled. 
 
 JACK^S BLUFF. 
 
 A Comedy Sketch in One Act, 
 By DENIS O'HAZLITT. 
 
 One male, one female character. Scenery, unimportant ; costumes, modern 
 and fashionable. Plays twenty minutes or so. A little parlor play of a high 
 class, depicting an original aspect of the old, old lover's quarrel. Very grace- 
 ful and human, and with the usual interest of its theme. It is necessarily in 
 two scenes, as its action involves a contrast in mood. 
 
 PRICE 15 CENTS.. , . 
 
a. W. ^tnero'si Paps 
 
 THE MAGISTRATE ^^'■*'® *" Three Acts. Twelve males, four 
 females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, all 
 interior. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH ^J^^^ J'^ J°y ^f- 
 
 LigLt males, live females. 
 Costumes, modern ; scenery, all interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE PROFLIGATE I'la^y^'i Four Acts. Seven males, five females. 
 Scenery, three interiors, rather elaborate ; 
 costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ^"^'""^ '" '^^'"^ ^"*'- ^^'"^ '"=''*^^'' '^^^" 
 
 females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
 three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^^Y '"/«^^ ^«*^ ^^f^* 
 
 ^ males, five lemales. Cos- 
 
 tumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 SWEET LAVENDER ^"^^^'y ^^ Three Acts. Seven males, four 
 females. Scene, a single interior; costumes, 
 modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THF TIMES Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
 Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 THE WEAKER SEX C"^'"''*^'y '" Three Acts. Eight males, eight 
 females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two 
 interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ''T'^l "/""^r ^T\ ^''" 
 
 males, four females. Costumes, 
 modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 
 
 t of price by 
 
 to Cat. Div. '^ Company 
 
 One copy d® • ° ,n^ Massachusetts 
 
 
LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 
 
 of ^laps 
 
 AS YOU I IKF IT Comedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, foui 
 r»^ xvv viiiK II females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery va- 
 ried. Plays a full evening. 
 
 CAIHII I F I>''*^™a ill Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
 vniiiiL,LfLi tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 INHOMAR ?^*^y *" F*^® -^<'*^- Thirteen males, three females. 
 iiiuviunix Scenery varied ; eostumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 
 
 MARY STUART Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
 Hi«i\i .^ii;nux males, and supernumeraries. Costumes,, of the 
 period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE MERCDANT OF VFNFCF -omedy in Five Acts. Seventeen 
 illl, 1T1L,I\VUA111 Vr r£niV/G males, three females. Costumes, 
 picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 RICHFIIFII Play in Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
 MMv%iL,L,iL,v ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
 evening. •' 
 
 THE RIVAI S Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
 / , , . "*"^ Scenery varied; costumes of the period. Plays a 
 
 full evening. ■' 
 
 SHE STOOPS TO CONOUER ^^'^^'^y *" ^*^« ^«t« ^^fteen 
 
 ^UL, ^i\f\fij IV \^m^\lVLR males, four females. Scenery va- 
 ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL '^%^1^^ 
 
 three females. Costumes, picturesque : scenery, varied Plavs a' 
 full evening. •' 
 
 ll 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Salter ^. I3a6et s, €on\panv 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts