S 635 29 253 opy 1 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE A FLANAGAN COMPAW CHICAGO Helps for Higher Teachers FIRST STEPS IN ENGLISH COMPOSITION. By H. C. Peter- son, Ph. D. Revised and enlarged edition. The volume is pri- marily a practice book for actual class writing, following an indi- vidual and progressive system of graded exercises, and detailing a course of study in composition correlated with literature. For gram- mar and high schools. Illustrated. 213 pages. Cloth. Price, 40 cents. STUDIES IN ENGLISH AND AMERICAN LITERATURE. By Inez N. McFee. Made up of chatty biographies of American and British authors to date and pieces from their works that are rich in thought and various in style and sentiment. In addition helpful sug- gestions, references, critical opinions, notes, memory gems, questions, etc., are included. Illustrated. 557 pages. Cloth. Price, $1.00. DEVELOPMENT LESSONS IN MENSURATION. By Wm. F. Sell. Contains over one thousand examples and problems illustrating the practical use of mensuration. 74 pages. Boards. Price, 25 cents. ORTHOGRAPHY, ETYMOLOGY AND PUNCTUATION. By S. R. Winchell, A. M. A text book and book of reference for schools, colleges and private students. It embodies the essential facts con- cerning the English language, with concise rules for spelling, punctua- tion, the use of capital letters, etc., together with a list of words in common use most frequently misspelled. 189 pages. Cloth. Price, 60 cents. ONE HUNDRED AUTHORS. By Bessie H. Shedd. A book which gives a rapid and complete summary of all essential facts of English and American literature, with a selected list of quotations. It also outlines a plan of study for the following classics: The Vision of Sir Launfal, The Lays of Ancient Rome, A Christmas Carol, The Lady of the Lake, and Enoch Arden. 145 pages. Cloth. Price, 30 cents. PICTURES IN LITERATURE. The set consists of thirteen draw- ings, plate size 12x15 inches, each illustrating a scene from some favorite English or American classic, as Snow-Bound, Evangeline, Enoch Arden, The Great Stone Face, A Christmas Carol, etc. In envelope. Price, per set, 40 cents. A. FLANAGAN COMPANY CHICAGO WHEN MOTHER GAME TO COLLEGE A COLLEGE FARCE-COMEDY IN ONE ACT BY LOUIS DUDLEY DAVID A. FLANAGAN COMPANY CHICAGO Copyright 1911 by A. FLANAGAN COMPANY TMP92-009041 ©CI.D 23819 CHARACTERS Archibald Townsend a sophomore at Alden College Billy Burton his roommate Mrs. Eliza Townsend Archibald's mother Time of Playing: forty minutes COSTUMES AND SUGGESTIONS Archibald : A young man, about twenty years of age. Should be shorter and of heavier build than Billy. Wears dress suit on his first appearance, but on his second entrance he removes coat, vest and collar, and dons bathrobe, which he wears till the close of the play. Billy: About the same age as Archibald. Tall and slim. Wears dark trousers, a white shirt and collar, sleeves rolled to the elbows. At entrance of Mrs. Townsend he dons coat. Exits as Billy and returns as the "Professor." As the Pro- fessor he wears the same trousers, but a long frock coat and. a heavy wig and beard. He carries a stovepipe hat in his hand. This costume is worn until the close of the play. Mrs. Townsend: Woman about forty-five years of age. Rather stout. Has no gray hairs — in fact, looks rather young. She appears dressed neither flashily nor shabbily, but rather as the wife of a comfortably-situated minister would be apt to dress. No change of costume. STAGE ARRANGEMENT Center Door Left En- trance A — Tabouret, upon which is set the basin. B — Desk and chair — desk littered with papers, books, letters, etc. (this desk has the larger mass of papers, to represent bills). C — Another desk and chair, as above. D — Sofa, covered with pillows and cushions, also having mandolin in full view. E — Table, upon which is pitcher of water, vase with flowers in it, and box containing poker chips and playing cards. F— Chair. G — Hatrack. STAGE ABBREVIATIONS L. — left. C. — center. E. — right. LIST OF PROPERTIES (Not mentioned in the above) Wig and beard for Billy's disguise as the "professor"; telegram; bandage, bottle, spoon, glass, for the "sick scene"; blanket; towel; suitcase, hand-satchel, and bundles for Mrs. Townsend; large picture of scantily-attired chorus girl; sign reading, "Chorus Girls Must Not Smoke in the Dressing-Boom"; sign reading, "Free Lunch Served on Plates All Day ' ' ; checkbook and pencil for Mrs. Townsend ; cuspidor; stovepipe hat and frock coat for "professor"; con- trivance for making noise off stage like breaking glass; rugs on floor. WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Scene: A typical college room — pennants, posters and pic- tures adorn the walls; college pillows cover the sofa, and other pillows are scattered around the room. In the center of the stage, well down front, is a table, with a chair be- side it. On the table is a water pitcher, a vase with flowers in it, and a box containing cards and poker chips. To the right is the sofa covered with pillows; to the left of the table is a tabouret. To the left, behind the left entrance, is a desk strewn with books, papers, etc., upon which is also a huge pile of bills. A chair stands behind the desk. Other furniture may be used to fill in. The chart of the stage setting will explain the position of each article. Care should be taken to get a good college "atmosphere." At rise of curtain Billy is alone, sitting at desk [R.] going through the pile of bills. He is in his shirt-sleeves, his coat being laid over the back of his chair. Billy : Now this thing has gone far enough ! [Bangs table.] When I hooked up with that fool roommate of mine, I didn't imagine, of course, that I was going into partner- ship with a saint, but when a fellow's parents have saddled him with the name of Archibald [sarcastically], you'd think that that would settle him for life! Who'd ever think a fellow could be a regular devil with the name of Archibald! [Disgustedly:] Huh! he doesn't seem to mind a handicap like that a bit ! [Hands in pockets.] He told me his folks had sent him down here to study the Higher Arts. He wrote his mother that he had gone in pretty strong for painting. Well, I guess he told the truth there, 5 6 WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE all right. He's been busy ever since he came here — paint- ing — the town red: and now he's about run out of paint, and here's the result ! [Holds up a handful of bills. Walks to left, angrily.] Do you suppose a little thing like that bothers him ? , Not a bit of it ! Where do you suppose he is now? Out on a tear again! [Angrily:] Well, if he brings home another barber pole, and tries to set it up in the hall as a hatrack, I'm going to call a halt ! My nerves simply can't stand this sort of thing much longer — he's not a quiet fellow even when he's asleep ; he's a Archie [from below, bellowing out drunkenly] : I shay, Billy, come on down here and see what the devil makes this keyhole go round in a circle! It thinks I want to play tag. I don't want to play tag. I bet I catch it the next time it comes around ! [Pause.] I fooled it that time ! [Pause.] Hello ! when in the devil did you put in a moving stairway? What do you think this is, a depart- ment store ? Turn it off, will you ? I want to come up ! [.4/ the first word of the speech Billy, with a gesture of resignation, sits on sofa [R.], picks up the mandolin and starts to play softly. If the character playing the part cannot play a mandolin, he merely sits nursing his knee. The door bursts open and Archie stands on the threshold. He looks the typical college boy out for a time. He wears a dress suit, but his collar is fastened only in the back, and his shirt bosom is soiled. His hair is disheveled, and his face dirty. He carri-es a light coat in one hand and a silk hat in the other. Walking drunkenly, he deposits these on the hatrack. Then he lurches over to chair at right of center table, and stands holding to the back for support. Billy on sofa with averted face.] Archie [grinning foolishly at Billy, and swaying] : 'Lo, Billy! [Salutes.] Billy, I know you're tickled to death to see me home so early — and so sober — hie — but you WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 7 needn't show your joy by dancing around like that. You've got all the furniture doing it, too. This chair here's doing a regular Salome! [Feels his way carefully around sides of chair and drops into it ivith a groan.'] Oh, my head ! Oh, but I've had some time, Billy — some time. Billy [at sofa, angrily] : You'll get some time, too, if you keep this thing up much longer. I hope it will be thirty days ! Perhaps then I'd get a chance to study !" Archie [reproachfully] : Oh, Billy ! How you'd miss me ! Billy [sarcastically] : Yes ! So would every theatre and beer-garden in the place. Archie : Lerame tell you about the time I had, Billy. It'll make you green with envy, you old parson! First, I rounded up "Dutch" Flanagan, "Lazy" Baxter and "Stew" Turner. Billy [in disgust] : A fine bunch ! Archie : Yes. First, we took in a show, and then we took four of the show-girls out to supper. I forgot what we had to eat. I lost most of it anyway, so it doesn't matter. Then we went for a ride in one of these "taxicheaters". Oh, but we had a silly time ! Everybody was singing and yelling. I felt feverish, so I stuck my feet out of the win- dow to cool my head off. A policeman stopped us and told us to cut out the noise. Someone told him to "go find Kelly". [Turns to Billy, seriously:] But he didn't do it ! No, he just yanked somebody out of the window by his feet. Then the taxi moved on and I discovered it was me that he had pulled out by the feet. Now, I call that a mighty familiar cop, Billy. [Feels for sore spots.] Billy [gazing at him, disapprovingly, with hands on hips] : You're a handsome mess ! If your brains were made of dynamite, and someone should hit you on the head with a brick, there wouldn't be enough of an explosion to muss your pompadour. 8 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Archie [anxiously] : Aside from that I'm all right, ain't I ? Billy: How long are you going to keep this gay life up? The elastic limit has been stretched — somethirg is going to bust soon, I can see that. [Points finger suddenly at Archie.] Archie [with both hands to his head in alarm] : I'll bet it's my head ! It feels like it ! What do you suppose I had better do with it, Billy? Billy ['walking to desk L.] : Oh, go soak it! Look at these! [Picks up handful of bills.] What are you going to do with them — start a library? Archie [ivaving his hand grandly] : Oh, feed 'em to Hogan's goat, Billy, the next time he comes butting in. [Picks up pitcher and drinks.] Billy [picks up a bill and reads] : Here's a beautiful little valentine from the florist — short and sweet : "Man is made of dust — dust settles — it will cost you just fifteen dollars to be a man." Archie [laughing drunkenly] : That's a bargain ! My dad says if he can make a man out of me on five thousand dollars, he'll consider the money well spent. Billy [curtly] : I believe it. Here's another from the garage. [Reads:] "Mr. Townsend: If you think I can hire out my taxicabs and accept as my remuneration some three dozen empty champagne bottles, you are thinking with the wrong pile of sawdust. I know champagne was meant to be charged, but gasoline furnishes the power for my taxicabs." Here's one from Archie [interrupting] : Oh, cut it out ! If you want to practice public speaking, hire a hall. If you really must have an audience, round up some helpless freshie. No- body cares if a freshie dies. Billy: But you've got to read these bills sometime! Archie [impatiently] : Oh, I know 'em all by heart. I WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 9 can't go down Main Street because that doggone tailor is always sitting in front of his shop. I wonder if he's got anything else to do but sit out there and think of the fifty dollars I owe him. I can't go down Spring Street because I owe the .Cafe. I can't go down Burrill because the con- fectioner says if he could see me once he'd die happy. [Thoughtfully:] I wonder why he said that. [Suddenly and bitterly:] Every morning I have to go to school down back alleys. Ugh! [Seizes water pitcher from table and buries his face in it.] Billy [with perfect seriousness] : Well, why don't you pay them? Archie [setting down the pitcher with a bang, and turning an astonished gaze at Billy] : Billy, when it comes to tell- ing people how to do things, Teddy Roosevelt hasn't any- thing on you! You're the "first aid kid," all right! I certainly struck it rich when I got you for a roommate. Dream on ! [Returns to the pitcher.] Billy : Why don't you send them to your father and make a clean breast of it? Surely, being a minister, he'd pull you out when he saw you were "in bad". Archie [setting the pitcher down quietly, and speaking slowly] : Billy, my father's a good enough minister, but he's a deuce of a father for a college man ! His favorite saying is: "Wild oats is the proper food for jackasses." The rubber band is so tight around his wallet that it cuts the leather. Oh, my head ! On the dead, Billy, if I could only square those debts I'd turn over a new leaf — that is, if I have any new leaves left. [Siezes the water pitcher, drinks, discovers it to be empty, holds it over his head inverted. Business.] Oh, but I've got a peach of a thirst! It's me for the sink, where the rest of the pipes are! [Walks un- steadily to the door, carrying the pitcher carefully in front of him. Exit at L.] 10 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Billy [sarcastically, walking to the center of the room and standing at table] : There goes a glittering example of the "higher education !" The fond mama of that thinks "it's" going to be a minister. A minister! Oh, Lord! [Bell rings. Billy alarmed.] What's that? More bills? [Tip- toes elaborately to the door and listens.] Voice [from below] : Are these Mr. Townsend's apartments? Billy [turning from the door] : Uh, huh! I thought so! [Returns to listening attitude.] Voice [continuing] : Upstairs, you say ? First door to the right? Thank you, so much. I'll go right up. I am his mother ! [Great business by Billy to show his frenzy. He slams the door and advances to the center of the room with a be- wildered look on his face. Then in a wild frenzy he sets about to put the room in order. A smoking- jacket that lay over the back of the desk-chair at L., he chucks un- der the sofa. m He picks up a box from the table at C, containing cards and poker chips, catches his foot in a rug and stumbles, spilling cards and chips on the floor. Using a pillow as a broom, he attempts to sweep the telltale articles under the sofa. Failing to accomplish this in the requisite hurry, he covers the remainder with the rug, and as Mrs. Townsend enters he is struggling into his coat, which was over the back of desk-chair at R. During this business the voice continues speaking.] Voice: I expected to be in much sooner, but my train was delayed. I wanted to surprise the dear boy, so I didn't let him know I was coming. I'll go right up. [Mrs. Townsend enters through center door just as Billy is struggling into his coat. She is a large woman and carries a suitcase, a hand-satchel, and several small bundles. These she drops where she stands, with an "Oh r of relief. Turns and sees Billy, who is standing WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 11 by desk at R., the picture of confusion and bewilder- ment.] Mrs. Townsend: Oh, good evening! You're Archibald's roommate, I suppose. [Billy gives a frightened nod, casting surreptitious glances at the door of the room into which Archibald has gone.] Mrs. Townsend [continuing'] : I am his mother. I've just run down to give the dear boy a surprise. Billy [aside] : Oh, he'll be surprised, all right ! Mrs. Townsend: I'm delighted to meet you. Archibald has written so much about you, — that is, — when he wrote. [Seats herself on sofa at R.] Billy [still bewildered and with thoughts concentrated on the room to which Abchibald has gone] : Oh, yes, — when he wrote — when he wrote — quite so — to be sure ! [Aside :] What the deuce am I to do ? Mrs. Townsend [fanning herself] : The darling boy must be dreadfully busy, — he writes so seldom. Billy [absent-mindedly] : Yes, he spends so much of his time in the president's office. [Mrs. T. looks up inquir- ingly.] That is, doing typewriting, and all that sort of thing. [Mrs. T. nods, satisfied. Billy, in an aside:] The next time I take a roommate, I'll pick out an orphan. [A terrific crash as of breaking glass is heard off stage, coming from room at L. to which Archie had gone.] Mrs. Townsend [jumping to her feet in alarm] : Goodness gracious ! What was that ? Billy [walking quickly to the door and turning the key] : Oh, nothing at all, Mrs. Townsend. I think one of the sophomores hit a freshman on the head with a brick. Nothing to be alarmed about. [Aside:] This is no place for a nervous lady ! Mrs. Townsend: Oh, how perfectly dreadful! I do hope they did not hurt the poor fellow. 12 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Billy [looking at her in amazement] : Hurt a freshman by hitting him on the head ? Why, where there's no sense, of course there's no feeling. [Walking to the center door:] But I'll go and see the landlady about accommodations for the night. You'll want to stay here for the night, I sup- pose? Mrs. Townsend: You need not trouble yourself, Mr. Bur- ton. Archibald will attend to that for me. [Looks around the room in sudden amazement:] Why, where is Archi- bald? [Billy wilts. Then as he feels Mrs. T. has her eye on him, he straightens up suddenly.] Billy: Archibald? Oh, you came to see Archibald, didn't you? [Laughing foolishly.] To be sure! To be sure! Well — a — it's most disappointing, I know, Mrs. Town- send, but the fact is, Archibald isn't in. I forgot to men- tion it before. Mrs. Townsend [aghast] : Not in ? [Sinks back on sofa.] And at this hour of the night ! Billy [absent-mindedly] : Oh, he never is ! [Mrs. T. looks up quickly.] That is — a — I mean he's doing some special experiments that keep him out late. [Mops his forehead.] Archie [setting up a vigorous and indignant pounding on the door and howling through] : I say, Billy, now what the devil's the joke ? Unlock the door, can't you ? Do you think I'm a dangerous lunatic ? Cut out the comedy ! Take it from me, if you don't open it mighty soon, I'll kick a hole in it, and when I get that job done, I'll start on your face ! You know me, kid — open the door ! [Pounds door angrily.] [Mrs. T. is dumbfounded. Business for Billy. Finally, with a gesture of resignation, he walks reluctantly to the door and turns the key. Archie enters, muttering angrily. He is clad in a loudly-hued bathrobe, and bears in his hand a basin of water. Over his shoulder is slung WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 13 a towel. As he passes Billy, mho is standing near the door, Billy gives him a poke in the ribs to attract his attention.] Archie [as Billy' pokes him] : Ouch! Look out! [Deposits the basin on the tabouret. He is so busily engaged that he does not see his mother, who is sitting grimly on the sofa at B. He starts to wash. The lines that follow are de- livered as he is washing, and his splutterings and blubber- ings should be a prolific source of comedy.'] What in the name of the seven brass hinges of hades is the matter with you tonight, anyway? I never saw you so frisky. You know the landlady won't stand for any more roughhouse, and if you get her riled up, she'll ask for her rent, and then you'll be rooming alone. [Splashes around.] Great guns, how my eyes burn ! Feel like a couple of Tungsten bulbs. I suppose that's from gazing through glasses every night, but I simply can't help it, Billy ; she's the brightest little star I ever saw — and you know I've seen one or two — eh, kid ? I never saw such a cute little slipper ! [Con- tinued business for Mrs. T. and Billy throughout this entire speech of Archibald's.] Oh, my head ! Where in the dickens did you put my bromo bottle? I laid in a gallon of the stuff only a week ago. I couldn't have used that much. I smashed a light out there [indicates door at L.] trying to hit a cockroach with a box of sardines. That's why I came in here to wash. I know it makes a deuce of a mess on the carpet, but then we'll have to be moving along soon, anyway. The landlady is about on to us. [Drying himself.] Too bad, too ! Bully little place ! Bully lit — [sees his mother — silence — then in a weak voice:] Hello, Ma! When did you get in? Anything the matter ? Mrs. Townsend [sternly]: Archibald Algernon Townsend! Archie [absently] : Present ! 14 WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE Mrs. Townsend: Archibald! Archie [in a weak voice] : Yes, Ma. Mrs. Townsend : Come here ! [Archibald comes reluc- tantly and stands before his mother. She smells of his clothes, sniffing audibly. Then she throws up her hands in horror.'] Archibald Algernon Townsend ! You've been smoking! [Billy at desk at L. is convulsed with laugh- ter.] Archie [smells first one sleeve, then of the other] : No, Mother, that's not smoke you smell, that's [sniff], that's [sniff], that's- — a — sulphur from the chemical laboratory! Billy [gleefully breaking in] : Some of those experiments I was telling you of. [Archie gives him a murderous look.] Mrs. Townsend : Hem ! I dare say ! [Archie is fanning himself vigorously in a vain effort to drive away the tell- tale fumes.] Archibald ! [Archie starts and drops fan.] What did I hear you say when you entered the room, or do my ears deceive me? Archie [with a blank look on his face] : I don't know what you refer to, Mama. Billy [aside to Archie, and pointing to the basin] : She means when you were taking your young bath ! [Archie shakes his fist at Billy.] Mrs. Townsend [accusingly] : Who was the "star" you spoke so enthusiastically about? It seems to have made quite an impression on you. Your eyes were sore from gazing at her through your glasses, I believe you said ! [Archie confused. Billy convulsed, holding hands in front of face and shaking with laughter.] Archie : Did I say that ? Oh, yes ! — no ! [Stammering.] That is — a — yes — you're quite right! I was speaking — a — a — [suddenly] of the new comet we've been studying lately — with glasses — telescopes, you know! [Puts hands WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 15 to eyes as if looking through a telescope, gazing at imagi- nary stars. 1 Mrs. Townsend : I am quite familiar with the workings of that instrument. You need not go through those gymnas- tics ! [Archie stops.] And since when, may I ask, do they call comets "stars"? Archie [soothingly'] : Now, mother, you know you studied astronomy quite a while ago, and science has made won- derful changes since then — hasn't it, Billy? [Billy nods vigorously.] Besides, I said this was a new comet. All the new comets are called "stars" in the latest textbooks — aren't they, Billy? [Billy nods enthusiastic assent, as before.] You see, Billy's way up in astronomy. Mrs. Townsend [frigidly] : I dare say. And I suppose the newest comets have "cute little slippers" ! [Archie almost faints. Billy laughs silently.] Archie : Oh, dear, no ! You must have heard me wrong. You see you sat so far away. I didn't mention a little slipper. I said — a — [seized with a sudden idea] Little Dipper! Little Dipper! One of the constellations, you know! [With his forefinger he traces out the constella- tion on an imaginary sky, laughing foolishly and repeat- ing "Little Dipper" under his breath.] Mrs. Townsend : I am quite aware, sir, that the Little Dip- per is one of the constellations. I dare say that the text- books have not changed that much ! Archie [walking slowly to the left of center table, passing in front of it] : Oh, no ! Not at all ! Not — at — all! [Very awkward pause. Billy at desk, laughing at Archie's predicament. Mrs. T. sitting very stiff and accusingly silent on sofa. Archie goes to left of table with a very woebegone expression on his face. The next line is delivered with amazing suddenness.] When are you going home, Ma? [Billy nearly collapses.] 16 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Mrs. Townsend [almost speechless with amazement] : When am I going home ? Good gracious ! Why, I've just come ! You might at least give me time to take my hat off. [Accusingly:] Are you that anxious to get rid of me? Archie [quickly] : Oh, no ! Oh, dear no ! [Hastens to his mother and removes the pins from her hat as he speaks.] I can't tell you how happy I am to have you here. I was just saying to Billy a little while before you came in [has hat off now, and sticks pins into hat as he speaks. One pin is jammed forcibly into hat at the word "dandiest" as if he intended to say "damned"], Billy, I've got the da — dandiest father and mother a fellow ever had, and I just wish one of them would run down here to pay me a little visit, as a surprise. [Turns suddenly on Billy:] Didn't I say that, Billy? Billy [getting serious in a hurry] : Yes! Oh, yes! [Aside:] He was wishing they'd pay something else besides a visit ! [Points to mass of bills on desk.] Archie [behind center table] : Won't all the fellows be jealous of me? [In an undertone to Billy, scowling and shaking his fist:] Oh, won't they, though! [To his mother:] But you mustn't stay long, Mother. Just think how lonesome poor father must be ! Poor father ! [Stands in front of center table.] Mrs. Townsend [in delight] : Father has gone to Boston to attend a ministers' convention. He is to be gone a week, and I am to spend all that time here with you ! Now, aren't you happy? [Business for Billy. Archie can hardly stand on his feet.] • Archie [aside] : Oh, Lord ! She'll meet that morning parade of bill collectors ! [Stands limp, in utter despair.] Mrs. Townsend [arising] : But it's dreadfully late, and I really must be going now. I'll run up and see you the first thing in the morning, dear. [Archie looks sick. WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 17 Mrs. T. while gathering up her bundles continues:] Let me see — I think I'll leave all these things here until I can get my own room arranged. No, I'll put them out of the way — in that room ! [Indicates door of room at L. Archie stumbles all over himself in his haste to place himself be- tween his mother and the room. Billy is alarmed, also. Business.'] Archie: A — a — don't bother, mother. I'll put everything away for you. Why, they're not in the way at all. Don't trouble yourself about them. Leave them to me. Mrs. Townsend [eyeing him suspiciously] : You are very considerate all of a sudden. I'll put them away myself ! Archie [with his back against the door, while Billy is on Mrs. Townsend' s right, gently trying to take her bundles from her. This piece of business must not be overdone, however.] Well, the fact is, Mother, we're housecleaning — Billy and I. Beastly work, isn't it, Billy? [Billy nods gravely, making a wry face at the fancied recollections.] Things, of course, are somewhat upset in this room, and I know how you hate disorder and all that sort of thing, so I don't like to have you see our room when it's so upset. Mrs. Townsend [firmly]: Never mind! I've done some housecleaning myself in my time, and I won't mind it so very much. I won't be shocked. [Exit into room at L.] Archie [crossing down front to R.]: Oh, no ! Wait till she sees what's in that room ! [Turns and sees Billy at L., laughing heartily. Throws pillow viciously at him.] Say, if you see anything so deuced funny to laugh about,, pass the giggle around ! A fellow that would laugh at such a thing would laugh at a funeral ! [Bitterly.] I wish I could laugh ! Billy [convulsed with laughter] : Oh, Lord ! Excuse me, Archie, old pal, excuse me, but I simply can't help it ! Oh, Lord! [In imitation of Mrs. Townsend:] I'm going to 18 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE be with you a week ! Is Archibald glad to see Mama ? Oh, this is rich ! [Cannot control his laughter.] Archie [turning on him resentfully] : That's right ! Rub it in, rub it in, you frozen-faced baboon ! I'd brain you if you had any brains ! I believe you're glad to see it ! Billy [with mock sympathy] : No, Archibald, I'm deeply grieved — same as you are. But I thought you loved your Mama! Archie [grabbing up a pillow from the sofa] : By the blood of Brutus, I'll commit murder in a minute. [Advances threateningly upon Billy, who dodges around the table. Business.] Look out! Look out, you animated clothes- pin, or I'll put a dent in your roof big enough to hold water ! I'm desperate ! [Billy goes to L., Archie to R.] What the deuce is a fellow to do in a fix like this? Oh, if I had only taken a man for a roommate, instead of a fish! Billy [getting excited] : Now, look here, you homely rem- nant; if there's anyone has a kick coming on this room- mate business, I'm the goat ! Archie [turning on him] : Is that so ? Well, just for that, you take off my shirt and necktie ! Billy [cheerfully] : Sure; when you hustle out of my suit of underwear ! Archie: Say, if you took off everything you have on that belongs to me, you'd be "pinched" in a hurry for dis- orderly conduct! Billy : Well, I guess I could bail myself out, all right, with that ten dollars you owe me ! Archie [nonplussed, looks out towards the audience, face blank] : Oh ! Oh ! Billy, we simply can't be separated. I can see that without specs. [Pulls empty pockets inside out and looks down at them.] So let's put the fireworks in the cannery. [They shake hands.] And now, for the WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 19 love of Cassius, help me out of this hole! [Crosses to R.] Gee, what a responsibility a mother is ! What the dickens right has a fellow's mother to go traveling around this way ? Home is the place for her. [Drops into chair at right of table at C] That's what comes of this suffrage business ! Billy [calmly] : Well, what are you going to do about it? Archie [jumping to his feet] : Do about it? Do about it? What the devil can I do ? If you had a head on your shoul- ders, instead of a croquet ball, you'd help me out ! Billy : Tell her an epidemic of smallpox has broken out in the college. Archie [reseating himself] : Oh, that's rotten ! She'd go home, all right, but she'd drag me home with her. "There's no place like home" — and I don't want to go there. - Re- member — my — father's — a — minister ! Billy [seated at desk] : JFake a telegram from your dad. Make him sick or dying. [Rises.] Kill him, if you want to do the job up fancy. Archie [i-ises slowly and regards Billy with mock admira- tion] : Well, well ! Billy, you're a wonder ! [Billy smiles trustingly and inflates his chest.] How proud your father must be of such a son ! [Angrily:] I don't see how he can keep from choking you ! [The smile vanishes from Billy's face, and an angry look replaces it.] What do you suppose would happen to me when my fond mama got home and discovered how her tender feelings had been fooled with? I've got a picture of it ! Oh, go on — you're doing fine ! [Walks to R.] Billy [ponders deeply, then, looking seriously] : You wouldn't want to poison her, would you? Archie [not thinking for the moment what he is saying] : Yes — I — Oh, no ! You rummy ! Oh, go away somewhere and die ! 20 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Billy [advancing toward Archie and sniffing the air in imitation of Mrs. Townsend, imitating her voice] : Archi- bald Algernon Townsend ! You've been smoking ! [Archie grabs up some pillows and starts on a chase after Billy, who dodges behind tables and chairs, throws pil- lows, and kicks up a general commotion, in the very midst of which Mrs. T. reenters, bearing a large pic- ture of a chorus girl in scant attire, and a sign which reads: Chorus Girls Must Not Smoke in Dressing- Booms. Neither of the objects mentioned are visible to the audience until disclosed by Mrs. T. in the course of the dialogue.] Mrs. Townsend [calls in icy tones] : Archibald! [The wild chase ceases. Mrs. T. is at left, Archie at right, Billy in background-center.] Archibald, will you kindly explain the meaning of this? [Thrusts the poster of the .scantily-attired chorus girl before him, and into the view of the audience.] Archie [very quickly] : Oh, that's Billy's ! Billy [aside] : Oh, the liar ! Mrs. Townsend [sternly] : Mr. Burton ! Mr. Burton ! [Billy comes forward, casting malicious glances at Archie, who refuses to look at him.] I need not tell you how shocked and grieved I am that my son 7 s roommate should have the unspeakable bad taste to bring such an object as this into his chambers. It is disgraceful, sir ! Disgraceful ! [Throws the offending picture aside.] Archie [solemnly] : Oh, William, how could you? Oh, if I had only known ! [Folds hands piously in front of him, and casts his eyes heavenward.] Mrs. Townsend [turning suddenly on Archie] : And as for you, sir, you should be doubly ashamed ! How could you have tolerated such a thing? You, at least, have been brought up in the hatred of everything sinful, and you WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 21 should lead your companion into better ways. [Archie looks angelic] Billy [aside'] : Oh, the little angel ! Mrs. Townsend [holding up the sign and reading] : "Chorus girls must not smoke in dressing-rooms." Perhaps you can tell me how this, also, came to be among your possessions. [Indignantly.] The idea of hanging such an object over his dear father's picture ! Archie [for a moment at a loss to find answer] : Why — that's — a — a — Billy [coming forward and hurriedly interrupting] : No, that's not mine! [To Archie angrily:] There's a limit to what a fellow will stand ! [Shakes his fist.] Archie [ignores Billy] : No, mother, that's a sign — a — a — notice, you know! Mrs. Townsend [frigidly looking at sign] : That is per- fectly apparent, sir! Archie: Yes. [Takes sign from her.] It's a little souvenir from one of our college plays. You see, the fellows took the parts of chorus girls, so of course a sign like that was necessary to keep them from smoking in the dressing- rooms. [ Aside, as he walks to R. :] That's the best I could scrape up! [Mrs. T. hurries back into room out L. As soon as she lias disappeared, Archie shies a pillow at Billy, who is laughing. Mrs. T. reenters with another sign, which she reads to the audience.] Mrs. Townsend [reads sign] : "Free lunch served on plates all day." May I ask if this, also, is a souvenir from one of your college plays? Archie [with a look of great astonishment on his face, walks slowly over to his mother and takes the sign. Billy, with a similar look, comes and gazes at it over Archie's shoulder. Archie examines the sign with great curiosity, reading it 22 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE over carefully.] : Well, isn't that the strangest thing you ever heard of? How on earth did that thing come to be in our room, Billy? [Looks inquiringly at Billy, who shakes his head.] Well, isn't that a puzzle? [Both nod their heads thoughtfully over the sign.] Archie: It looks like one of those signs you see hanging in front of saloons. Billy [aside, after the manner of Dr. Watson, in "Sherlock Holmes"] : Marvelous ! Marvelous ! Archie [seized with a bright idea] : Oh, I know what it is ! Sure! Why the landlandy's husband keeps a saloon [Mrs. T. starts], and when he was in today to fix the window, he must have left this in the room. [Aside:] What is home without mother, but, oh, keep her home ! Mrs. Townsend [accusingly] : You wrote me that your land- lady was a widow. [Archie wilts.] Have you been falsi- fying, sir? Archie: Did I write that? Oh, to be sure! [Lying easily :] We moved from that place. This landlady has a husband. Mrs. Townsend [sarcastically] : You move rather fre- quently, it would seem. Archie [absently] : Yes, we have to ! A — a — I mean we grow tired of the same old place, don't we, Billy ?" Billy: Quite so! [Aside:] And the same old place gets mighty tired of us ! Mrs. Townsend [determinedly] : Well, I'm afraid that you'll have to move once again ! I won't have my boy rooming in a house where there is a nasty saloon-keeper, who leaves such signs as those lying around to poison the minds of innocent young men. I'll see the landlady this very instant ! [Starts rapidly for the center door in great anger.] Archie [going up center] : Oh, Lord ! And I'm three months behind in my rent ! [Grabs the vase from the table, WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 23 throws the flowers away, and drinks the water.] Oh, my head! Mrs. Towxsend [pausing at door, in alarm] : Why, Archi- bald ! What ails your head ? Archie [aside] : That's what my teachers have been trying to find out. Here goes. [Aloud:] Oh! Oh! Oh! [Both hands to head as if in tremendous pain. This entire scene in which Archie feigns sickness must be worked out by the performer. The stamping of feet, tearing of hair, writhing about, waving of arms, etc., cannot be definitely put down here. The performer must create in this place upon the foundation of the suggestions offered.] [Mrs. Townsend, now thoroughly alarmed, runs to Archie and supports him on one side, while Billy supports him on the other. Together they assist him to the chair at right of table. Business.] Archie [weakly, passing his hand across his forehead] : Oh, I'm all right now, I guess. [In voice of a martyr:] Go back to your lessons, Billy. I wouldn't have you flunk a lesson for the world. [Shaking his head admonishingly :] You know / never did ! The professors expect more from you because you're my roommate. [Seized with another spasm:] Oh! Oh! Oh! [Stamps feet, writhes about, groans, etc. Business.] Mrs. Townsend [both arms around Archie]: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What is it? [Archie groans in an exagger- ated imitation of one in 7nisery.] Oh, my darling baby — mother's precious angel ! Tell mother the trouble, sweet. Have you been studying too hard? Archie [sits up like a shot at the idea, then as he sinks back he says thoughtfully] : Yes, that's it ! [Business for Billy.] Guess I've been keeping too late hours. Why, do you know, mother, there were times when I didn't get to bed until three or four o'clock in the morning! [Noting 24 WHEN MOTHEE CAME TO COLLEGE that mother is shocked.] Of course, that didn't happen very often. [Seized with another violent attack.] Oh ! Oh! Oh! Mrs. Townsend : Oh, dear ! Is that really so, Mr. Burton ? Billy [solemnly] : Yes, Mrs. Townsend, Archie burns a tremendous amount of midnight oil — [aside] in taxicabs ! Archie : Oh, the pain — the pain ! Do something for me ! Do something for me ! [Stamps feet on floor and tears his hair as if in terrible pain.] Mrs. Townsend: Just a moment, pet. [Hurrying to the door of room at L.] Mother has brought along her medi- cine case. Something told me I should need it! [At door:] I'll bring you a nice big dose of cod-liver oil ! [Exit into room at L.] Archie [making a very wry face and putting both hands on his stomach] : Cod-liver oil ! Oh, Lord ! Billy, get the cuspidor handy ! Cod-liver oil ! Ugh ! Billy [bringing cuspidor, and setting it down beside Archie's chair. Stands regarding him, with both hands on hips]: Now, for the love of Moses, what kind of a stall are you putting up ? Put me wise ! What's the game ? Archie [staring at him with a woe-begone look] : Darned if I know ! All I can see just now is my finish. Cod-liver oil ! Waugh ! [As he sees Mrs. T. reenter, with the medi- cines and a bandage :] Oh, my head ! The pain's in my head, mother, I don't need any cod-liver oil ! [Almost weeping.] Mrs. Townsend [at desk at L., busying herself with the medicines] : Now, you must do just as I tell you to do. Don't you suppose I know what is good for you? Billy [behind Archie's chair] : Certainly, Mrs. Town- send, that's the best thing in the world for him. Mix him up a good, big dose! [Turning towards audience:] He doesn't know what he is saying. [In a loud whisper:] I WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 25 think he's a little out of his head! [Archie groans and shakes his fist at Billy behind his back.] Mrs. Townsend [bringing glass and spoon from desk at L.\: Now, you feed him the cod-liver oil, Mr. Burton, while 1 fix him up a camphor bandage. And, mind, feed him the entire glassful ! [Archie howls at the word "glassful." Mrs. T. busies herself at desk with camphor bandage.] Billy [enthusiastically] : / will! [Receives the glass and spoon from Mrs. T. and prepares to administer the cod- liver oil to Archie.] Archie [in a loud whisper to Billy] : Dump that mess in the spittoon, Billy, and feed me from the empty spoon ! Billy : What ? And waste all this perfectly good medicine ? Nothing stirring ! Open your face ! Archie [amazed] : You traitor ! What are you going to do — give me the double cross? [Billy, obdurate, ap- proaches with the dose.] You fiend ! Oh wait till she goes home ! Wait till she goes home ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! [Mrs. T. looks up at them, startled.] Billy [in an undertone to Archie] : Look out ! You'll queer it ! [Archie looks over and sees his mother's eye on him.] Here, take your "medi." One— two— THREE ! [At "three" Archie is forced to gulp down the dose, making a wry face, and going through business to show his extreme dislike of it.] There ! There goes the first spoonful. [Looks critically into the glass.] Only about ten more left. [Archie howls at the word "ten."] Now, then, old chap, here goes for the second! [Pouring it out.] Archie [vehemently] : Not on your life! Cut it out, will you? A joke's a joke, but don't carry it too far — it's bad taste! [Billy nevertheless brings the second spoonful.] You murderer ! [Pleadingly and almost weeping :] Please, Billy, please ! Pour it down my shirt ! I always treated you fair ! 26 WHEN MOTHEE CAME TO COLLEGE Billy [sotto voice to Archie] : Shut up ! [Then in a soothing voice as Mrs. T. looks up:] Now, Archibald, don't excite yourself ! We are doing our best to save your life ! [As Mrs. T. looks down again at her work, he grabs Archie's head with his left arm, and holds it back.] One ! — two ! — [Archie struggles and kicks vigorously, but with a triumphant "three!" Billy forces the dose down his throat.] Archie [choking, gagging, coughing, and sputtering] : Oh, wait! [Sputter.] Oh, wait! [Sputter.] I'll get you yet ! What's coming to you is plenty. Believe me ! [Hand on head, appears very sick. Billy laughs and crosses over to desk at L., which has just been vacated by Mrs. T. He sets the bottle down on the desk.] Mrs. Townsend [hastening down to Archie with a bandage, which she fastens around his forehead] : There ! this will make your poor head feel better ! And now, Archibald, I really must forbid your studying so hard, again. You really cannot stand it. You are so unaccustomed to it. [Meditatively :] In fact, it's so very unusual, that I really don't know what to think of it! Archie [in an aggrieved tone] : There you go ! Never give a fellow credit for doing anything! What do you think I've been doing down here all this time — loafing, and rais- ing high jinks? Mrs. Townsend [soothingly] : Now, Archibald ! Archie: 'Stead of that, I've been cramming like the very deuce, trying to win the hundred dollars prize for the highest average in my studies. And that's all the reward I get! Billy [at L., aside, lost in admiration] : Well, he's a won- der! You've got to give him credit! Can you beat that? Can you beat it? [Shaking his head.] Mrs. Townsend [at R., clasping hands and looking at WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 27 Archie in bewildered admiration] : Oh, Archibald ! I never even suspected it of you! Archie [aside] : I don't wonder she's surprised — I'm aston- ished myself! Mrs. Townsend: I always told your father that going away to college would make you see the world in a dif- ferent light ! Archie [fervently] : I should say it has ! Billy [meaningly] : You bet it has ! Mrs. Townsend [at R.] : Archibald, if you should win that prize, I'll present you with a check for double the amount you win. Now I must get a blanket to wrap around you — you might take a chill. [Exit into room at L.] Billy and Archie exchange questioning glances. Archie throivs of the bandage and beckons Billy to him. A violent pantomime follows, Archie in chair, Billy at R. While the scene should be done in pantomime, it is well for the characters to know the lines that should be spoken were the scene to be given in the regular way. Therefore a suggestion of the general trend of the lines will not be amiss. The gestures must give the audience some idea of what is contemplated. Archie wishes Billy to go out and disguise himself as a professor and return to fool Mrs. T. into giving Archie that check for $200. lie makes gestures to show the donning of a wig and beard, indicates how Billy shall enter, seat himself, and talk to Mrs. T. Billy refuses, Archie insists. They argue, Billy waving his arms, Archie button- holing him and impressing his points. This scene must be worked up very carefully. Finally, with a gesture of resignation, Billy gives in and starts for the door, just as Mrs. T. reenters, carrying the blanket. xA.rchie quickly re-seats himself, and assumes the position of an invalid.] 28 WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE Mrs. Townsend [seeing Billy at the door] : Why, where are you going, Mr. Burton? Billy [at door, stammering] : Why — I — a — I — Archie [coming to the rescue] : Oh, that's all right, mother. Billy's a reporter on the college paper, and he must get his copy in before the paper goes to press. Your coming made him forget all about it. He's late now. Hustle along, Billy ! [Exit Billy.] Mrs. Townsend [wrapping blanket around Archie] : There ! do you feel better now, darling? Archie [cheerfully] : Yep, whole lots ! Guess it was only a temporary spasm ! [A knock is heard at door at center.] Mrs. Townsend [starts] : Gracious ! Who in the world can that be at this hour? [Goes to door.] Archie [puzzled, leans forward, clenching his hands] : The dickens ! He couldn't have got back so soon ! Mrs. Townsend [at door, receives a telegram from someone on the outside] : Why, it's a telegram ! And for me ! Oh dear! I do hope nothing is wrong! Archie [in a frenzy] : A telegram ? What the — Oh ! What the deuce has Billy done now? Has that bonehead gone and messed things ? I thought I gave it to him straight ! [Head on hands, elbows resting on knees; the picture of despair.] Mrs. Townsend: Oh dear, oh dear! It's from Boston! Something must have happened to your father. I'm afraid to read it! [Weeps.] Archie [rises] : Now, mother, don't be foolish ! Give me the telegram. I'm not afraid to read it ! [Receives tele- gram from his mother; walks to right as he opens it.] If this is some of Billy's doings, it's mighty crude work ! [Opens up the telegram.] Why mother ! It is from father ! Mrs. Townsend : Oh, I'm so nervous ! WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 29 Archie [reads excitedly] : "Have decided to go on to New York. Join me here at once." Signed, "Emery Town- send." [Shouts.] Hurrah! [Dances a hornpipe, waving arms and cutting up in unrestrained glee.] Hurrah! Hurrah ! Mrs. Townsend [indignantly] : Archibald ! What do you mean by such actions? Are you a barbarian, or a savage? Stop it at once ! [Stamps foot.] Archie [stops] : Oh I'm so happy — to know that father isn't hurt or something! [Goes through the same dancing business as before.] Mrs. Townsend [somewhat mollified] : Archibald, do calm yourself ! This excitement might bring on a relapse ! Archie [stops] : A relapse? [Bands on stomach.] Never again ! I don't like the cure ! Mrs. Townsend [ruefully] : Well, I suppose I must leave tomorrow. Archie [as if surprised] : Why, that's so ! Pshaw ! you haven't seen anything of the campus yet. [Aside:] Thank goodness ! [To his mother:] Couldn't you manage to stay a day or two at least ? [Awaits her answer with manifest anxiety.] Mrs. Townsend: Did not the telegram read: "Join me at once?" Archie [glances at the telegram] : Yes, that's so. Mrs. Townsend : Then I shall leave at once, as your father expects. [Archie gives sigh of relief.] I have never yet disappointed him. [Exits into room at L. A knock is heard at door at center.] Archie [in great glee] : There he is now ! Good old Billy ! I knew he wouldn't fail me! Now for one grand piece of work ! [Goes to door and opens it. Business of being greatly surprised.] Why, Professor Harrington ! What brings you here at this hour, Professor? [Looks around, 30 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE discovers that his mother is not in the room.] Snappy work, Billy, old scout. [Claps him on the back.] You look great! Your own mother wouldn't know you, let alone mine ! Now smear it on thick ! [To Mrs. T., as she reenters, bearing suitcase.] Oh, mother ! Let me present one of my teachers, Professor Harrington. [With a smile, full of meaning:] The professor is the chairman of the committee on awards. [Crosses to R.] Mrs. Townsend: Committee on awards? [In great agita- tion.] Then you must have come to — Billy [gravely interrupting] : Yes, my dear madam, you are quite right in your suppositions. I have come direct from the final meeting of the committee on awards. I have taken such a deep interest in this noble [Lays hand on Archie's shoulder. Archie tries to look modest and noble], brilliant [Lays hand on Archie's head, but as Mrs. T. turns away, smiling, with gratification he pushes Archie in the face. Archie is indignant.], modest [Archie swells out his chest. Billy, seeing that Mrs. T. is not looking, thumps him and makes him lower his chest.], young man here, that I simply could not wait to tell him the glad news I bear. So, passing by the house, and know- ing that he is given to keeping late hours [Mrs T. looks at him inquiringly. Archie pokes him remindingly.], a — that is for the purpose of study [Mrs. T. satisfied, Archie much relieved.), I could not resist the temptation to stop in and inform him that — [Coughs several times.] Mrs. T. [excitedly] : Go on ! Go on ! [Archie pokes him again.] Billy: I stopped in to inform him that he has just been unanimously awarded the hundred dollars prize for the highest average in his studies. I assure you, madam, there is nobody in the college in his class ! [ Aside :] Well that's the truth, anyway! WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 31 Mrs. Townsend [in ecstacy, running to Archibald at R., and throwing her arms around his neck] : Oh, Archibald, you wonderful boy! Oh, I'm so happy! [Lays her head on his bosom. Archie looks very uncomfortable. Billy turns away, laughing quietly.'] Archie : And now, mother, I don't want to break in on this outburst of joy, but you won't forget your promise? Mrs. Townsend [going to left]: Why, what promise? I don't remember making any ! [Archie faints into Billy's arms. Billy tries to brace him up. Both look very dis- gusted.] Mrs. Townsend: Oh, I remember! [Archie begins to take an interest in life once more.] I promised to double the amount you won. [Archie smiles expectantly. He and Billy exchange glances.] And so I shall, you splendid boy ! I'll get my checkbook from my purse immediately ! [At door at L.] Oh, what have I done to deserve such a son ! [Exit.] Archie [dancing to left. Billy crosses to right.] : Oh, it worked beautifully! [Laughing:] And that isn't all! She goes home tomorrow ! [Dances.] Billy [amazed] : The deuce you say ! How in the dickens did you manage that? Archie: I didn't need to. She got a telegram from my dad, calling her to Boston ! [They embrace and waltz around the stage, singing "Waltz Me Around Again, Willy/' They regain their serious poses as Mrs. T. reenters. Archie takes position at left beside desk, Billy at right.] Mrs. Townsend: Here is my checkbook. [Seats herself at desk at L.] And now to show my boy that his mother appreciates it when he does such splendid things. That's what comes, Archibald, of forsaking all good times and applying yourself to your studies. Wait till your father hears of it ! 32 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE Archie [aside'] : Oh, wait till he does ! [Looks over his mother's shoulder as she makes out the check. Billy is standing at right, very stiff and dignified in the role of a professor.] Mrs. Townsend [reads as she writes] : "Pay to the order of Archibald Algernon Townsend, the sum of two hundred dollars/' [Business for Billy and Archie.] Signed, "Mrs. Eliza Townsend/' There ! [Hands check over her shoulder to Archie, who waves it at Billy and kisses it affectionately. Business.] Mrs. Townsend [looking doivn at her chatelaine watch] : Sakes alive ! Why it's twelve o'clock ! I had no idea it was so late ! I must leave in the morning on the nine o'clock train, so I had better get some sleep. I'll run up and see you the very first thing in the morning, son. [To Billy:] Good night, Professor. Your news has made me so happy ! [At center door.] Billy [grandly] : Oh, give the young man credit for it. He did it all. Good night, madam, and congratulations. Few mothers have such a son as yours. [Aside.] Lucky for them that they don't ! Archie [walking to door] : Good night, mother. You don't know how much good it's done me to have you here, even for a little while. [Exit Mrs T. Archie runs to the table and grabs up a mass of bills which he tosses up in a shower. Billy pulls off his disguise and throws it on the floor; then as the curtain descends the two chums do a war dance, Archie triumphantly waving the check. General tur- moil as the curtain descends.] ne copy del. to Cat. Div. Popular Entertainment Books ALL THE HOLIDAYS. By Clara J. Denton. Contains 34 dialogues, exercises, and plays, and 36 recitations for all occasions and all grades. 201 pages. Price, 30 cents. BAXTER'S CHOICE DIALOGUES. Ten short, spicy dialogues for old and young. 64 pages. Price, 15 cents. CASTLE'S SCHOOL ENTERTAINMENTS. The best all-round books of recitations, dialogues, tableaux, charades and drills for all grades. Four books published, each having over 200 pages. Price, each 30 cents. DICKERMAN'S DRILLS AND MARCHES. Seventeen new drills and exercises for the lower grades. Music and many illustrations. 86 pages. Price, 30 cents. FAVORITE SONG PANTOMIMES. By Marie Irish. A collection of twenty-six of our old and favorite songs arranged with full direc- tions for pantomiming. Frontispiece illustration. 112 pages. Price, 30 cents. THE NORMAL DIALOGUE BOOK. Humorous dialogues, tab- leaux, charades, shadow scenes and pantomimes for school exhibitions. Thirty-one selections in all. 181 pages. Price, 30 cents. THANKSGIVING ENTERTAINMENTS. Contains 77 recitations, 12 dialogues and exercises, 2 acrostics, 3 drills, 10 songs, 12 tableaux, and 32 quotations. For all grades. 144 pages. Price, 25 cents. CHRISTMAS CELEBRATIONS. Has 72 recitations, 11 dialogues and exercises, 2 acrostics, 3 drills, 8 songs, 4 tableaux, and 33 quotations. 160 pages. Price, 25 cents. THIRTY NEW CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS. New, original, bright and clever Christmas dialogues and plays for children of all ages. 175 pages. Price, 30 cents. THE NEW CHRISTMAS BOOK. By Jos. C. Sindelar. This is a companion volume to the author's Christmas Celebrations, of which over J0,000 copies have been sold within about three years. Almost wholly orig- inal, introducing many unique and novel entertainments. 160 pages. Price, 30 cents. A. FLANAGAN COMPANY - CHICAGO inm!™?.Y 0F CONGRESS 016 102 934 8 • Suggestive lissays and Orations By CHARLES READE. For Commencement and other occasions. A new edition, entirely revised, rewritten and reset. This volume contains over fifty essays and orations on all subjects, and for all occasions, together with a choice collection of salutatories, valedictories, class songs, class mottoes, (both English and Latin), and a brief treatise on how to speak in public This last is an im- portant feature of the book. Its aim is not as a text book in elocution, but as a practical help for the student who has never before spoken in public and desires to make a creditable showing. A chapter on how to make com- mencement successful has also been added with the hope that it may prove of much benefit to teachers handling this difficult problem. The book contains matter for Grammar Schools, High Schools and Colleges. It is the best and most complete work on the subject published. Printed from large new type, on good paper. 224 pages. Cloth. Price, $1.00 CONTENTS FOR COMMENCEMENT Salutatories: For Grammar School, High School and College Valedictories: For Grammar School, High School and College, and three Valedictory Poems Class History Class Poem Two Class Prophecies Class Will The Oration Our National Holidays Abraham Lincoln Birthday of Washington ESSAYS Forty- America a World Power Americanism America's Coming Great- ness Books Education Expansion Immortality of GoodDeeds Labor and Capital Material Wealth of Uncle Sam Three Class Songs A President's Address A Farewell Address Address to Graduates ON ORATORY The Orator Selected Subjects (one hundred) FOR. SPECIAL DAYS The Union Soldier The Soldier Boy Class Mottoes (over fifty) Class Yell How to Make Commence- ment Successful Parts of an Oration A Tribute to Our Honored Dead Independence Day , ORATIONS AND ADDRESSES six of them in all. We mention a few: Men : Made, Self Made and Unmade Mental Wealth of Uncle Modern Fiction [Sam MoralWealth of UncleSam Municipal Reform New Era in Higher Edu- cation New Opportunities in a New Age Our Country Power and Aim Progress of Humanity Pursuit of Happiness," The Success in Life True Greatness True Socialism, The UncleSam: His Character Uses of Education for Busi- ness Value of Reputation Wealth. Etc., Etc. A. Flanagan Company - Chicago