NO PLAYS EXCHANGED DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Largre Catalogue Free. Price 15c each, Postpaid; Unless Different Price Is Given DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, lYz hrs (25c) 8 Z After the Game, 2 acts, l!4 hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 American Hustler, 4 acts, 2^-2 hrs. - (25c) 7 4 Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 4 5 As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 2>4 hrs (25c) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 'Zy^ hrs (25c) 6 14 Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) .- 8 4 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 3 Brother Tosiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 Busy Liar, 3 acts. Z\\ hrs. (25c) : 7 4 College Town, 3 acts, 2\(\ hrs ..(25c) 9 8 Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. (25c) 17 14 Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 2;4 hrs. ...... (25c) 6 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, ^^^ hrs v25c) 8 4 Dream That Came True, 3 acts, 2V^ hrs (25c) 6 13 Editor-m-i;.hier, 1 hr. ...(25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, 1 '4 h. (35c).Optnl. Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1 Yi hrs. (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Fascinators, 40 min (25c) 13 Fun on the Podunk Limited, 11/2 hrs (25c) 9 14 Heiress of Iloetown. 3 acts, 2 hrs ? (25c) 8 4 High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 Honor of a Cowbov, 4 acts, 2% hrs ". .. (25c) 13 4 Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum \''alley, 4 acts, 2^\ hrs (25c) 6 4 Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. . (25c) 5 4 Jayville Junction, 1% hrs. (25c) 14 17 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 254 "hrs (2Sc) 6 1? Lexington, 4 acts, 2Yj, h. . (25c) 9 4 M. F. Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 1,0 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr. (25c)13 Lonelyville Social Cilub, 3 acts, IVi hrs (25c) 10 Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 5 2 Man from Nevada, 4 acts, Zy^ hrs (25c) 9 5 INIirandy's Minstrels. . . . (25c) Optnl. New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 Old Maid's Club, 1 ^4 hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs .(25r) 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 114 hrs (25c) 12 9 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs (25c) 10 1 Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 7 4 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 10 12 School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1 •)4 hrs. 6 5 Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 21/2 h. 8 3 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 7 Third Degree, 40 min.... (25c) 12 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Tonv, The Convict, 5 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 7 4 Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 3 Trip to Storyland, H4 hrs.(25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 7 10 Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 When the Circus Came to Town. 3 acts, 2Vx hrs. (25c) 5 3 Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 Jars. 8 3 FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. April Fools, 30 min....^ 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 r>ab3^ Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 liillv's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20 min....... 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min..... 3 5 r>ox and Cox, 35 min 2 1 Case Against Casey. 40 min... 23 Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 Countrv Justice. 15 min 8 Cow that "Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandoiphSt., Chicago GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE A MINSTREL AFTERPIECE BY HARRY L. NEWTON AUTHOR OF M Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy/' "The Booster Club of Black ville" "A Colored Honeymoon," "The Coontown Thirteen Club, "The Darktown Fire Brigade," "The GoodfeUow" "The Heiress of Hoetown," "Jayville Junction," "Laughland, via the Ha Ha Route," "Memphis Mose, War Cor- respondent" "Minstrel Cross-Fire," "Oh, Doc- tor!" "A Rehearsal at Ten," "What Hap- pened to Hannah," Etc. CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE CHARACTERS. Luke Warm A Police Judge Sergeant Muchworn The ''Man Higher Up'' Officer Cornfed A Policeman "Tarheel" Bilkins Another Peter Pineapple Nearly a Detective Zeke Whitehead "Thar" zvith the Razor ''Come-on'' Wherewith A ''Con" man "Alabama'" Screwluce .A Chicken "Raiser" Percy Pinfeathers A Lady-killer Lily White A Broken-hearted Lady Samantha Primrose A Society Dancer Time — This Morning. Place — "Some" Police Court. Time of Playing — About Thirty-five Minutes. copyright, 1915, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 2 ^CI.D 41347 JUL 29 1915 ^ GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. PROPERTIES. Telephone ; gong to be used off stage ; large magnifying glass, notebook, few coins ; revolver for Pineapple ; stuffed clubs for Muchworn, Cornfed and Bilkins ; spectacles for Luke Warm ; slip of paper on Judge's desk ; large wooden razor for Whitehead. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; L., left; IE., first entrance ; U.E., upper entrance ; R.3E., right entrance, up stage, etc.; R. D., right door; L. D., left door, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage ; up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights ; 1 G., first groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. COSTUMES. Luke Warm — Shoddy black cutaway coat, dark trousers, white vest and dilapidated silk hat. Have one coattail de- tached, or put on in such a manner that it may be easily pulled off. Sergeant Muchworn — Blue coat with brass buttons, gray helmet, white duck trousers, tight and short to display red socks. Carries stuffed club. Officer Cornfed — Policeman's misfit uniform. Carries stuffed club. "Tarheel" Bilkins — Blue coat, very tight-fitting and short-sleeved ; extremely large and baggy trousers. Carries stuffed club. Peter Pineapple — Made up as a burlesque on "Sher- lock Holmes." Carries notebook, pencil and large magni- f3nng glass. Zeke Whitehead — White coat and light trousers, a la barber. 4 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. "Come-on'^ Wherewith — ''Loud" and flashy apparel throughout. "Alabama"" Screwluce" — Eccentric dress and manner- isms. Percy Pinfeathers — An extreme swell dresser, with light walking stick, gloves, etc. Lily White — A typical wench; cahco dress and sun- bonnet Skirt should be full and reach, to halfway between ankles and knees, disclosing starched pantalets and highly colored stockings. Part should be played by a very large man. Samantha Primrose — A pretty and stylishly dressed chocolate-colored gal. Person playing this part should be a graceful dancer. Good Mornin' Judge Scene: A police station. Full stage. Large open door L., looking out on street. Practical door R., leading to sup- posed cell rooms. At hack and L. of C. is a raised platform on zvhicJi are the judge's desk and chair. Several chairs are placed about room. On judge's desk is a telephone. At rise of curtain there are no characters on stage. Gong {or clock bell) rings nine times. Enter, in order named, from door R. : Muchworn, Whitehead, Wherewith, Screwluce, Pinfeathers, CoRNFED and Bilkins. They are in single file or lock-step formation, close together and hand on shoulder. They march once about stage and all exeunt door R. Re-enter Muchworn, Cornfed and Bilkins. MucHWORN {drops zvearily into a convenient chair). Whew! Dis hard labor am gettin' on mah nerves. Cornfed {leaning lazily against hack of chair). What Ah wants perpounded inter mah head is, what am de reason because whyfo' am de idea ob marchin' dem prisoners out ob dem cells three times a day, and den back agin ? MucHWORN. New rules and regumalashuns ob de po- lice department. Dey say de prisoners mus' has exercise. Bilkins {yazvning). Speakin' fo' mahself personally, Ah am certainly in favor ob givin' de prisoners exercise. Dey kin go as far as dey like fo' all ob me. Cornfed. Yes, give de prisoners exercise, but leave us ossifers alone. Bilkins. Perzactly. Exercise am de last thing in de world dat Ah needs. Cornfed. Prisoners am too much trouble anyway. Bilkins. Dey sure is. {Yazvns.) Cornfed. Dey do some fool thing in de fust place to git demselves arrested, and den instead ob walkin' like gemmen to de station, one ob us ossifers has got to git 'em. 5 6 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. MucHWORN. Say, what yo' fellers think yo' draws yo' pay fo'? BiLKiNS. Fo' what we does on election days. CoRNFED. Sure. Dat's a plenty. (Telephone bell rings. MucHwoRN, after a fezv yawns and lazy stretches, goes to it.) MucHWORN {into telephone). Hello! No, dis ain't a livery stable. Ah know it smells like one, but it ain't. Dis am de police station. What yo' say? Who's dis talkin'? Oh, a citizen. Well, what yo' all" mean by disturbin' a ossif er ob de law ? Yo' done catch a burglar ? Say, whatta yo' mean catchin' burglars widout a pohce star? Don't yo' know yo' kin be arrested fo' interferein' wid a ossifer? What's dat? De burglars wouldn't wait for a ossifer? Dat's none ob yer business. Now yo' jes' naturally tell dat burglar to come to de poHce station right-away. Hey? Sure. Give him back what he stole. We gotta have some- thin' fo' our trouble. {Hangs up receiver. To others.) It's gittin' so dat an honest burglar ain't got no chance in de world to work at his trade and make a bare livin'. {Comes dozvn to C.) CoRNFED. Dat's a fac'. BiLKiNS {dreamily) . Ah wonder how much dat burglar got? Muckworm. Whatta yo' care? Yo' don't git no part ob it. Remember, dat Ah am de man higher up. Enter Pineapple, street door. He has a large magnify- ing glass in hand, and just inside of door, kneels dozvn on floor and closely inspects it through glass. The others zvatch him in curious silence for an instant. Pineapple {aside). Dey little know dat Peter Pineapple is upon their trail. Muchworn {aside to Cornfed and Bilkins). Law-zee, dat burglar got heah quick. Cornfed. Dat's what comes ob leadin' a fast life. Bilkins {to Pineapple). Say, mister, what am wrong wid de floor? GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. 7 Pineapple (raises head and puts a finger to lip). Sh! Ah'm lookin' fo' a clue. MucHWORN. Yo' am in de wrong place fo' clues. We am all out ob dem. BiLKiNS. Yes, drop in tomorrow ; we might have a new stock in by dat time. Pineapple {peering through glass at floor). I kaint "be mistook. De robbers came in heah. MucHwoRN, CoRNFED and BiLKiNS {making a quick rush to C, and grouping together, raise their right hands and ejacidate) Discovered! Pineapple {peering at them through glass). Very sus- picious. Dey admits dey be. {Writes in notebook.) Ah'll make a note ob dat. MucHWORN {suddenly). Boys, we must do our duty. Dat burglar mus' be arrested. BiLKiN s {yazvns). Oh, what's de use. Den we gotta give him exercise. CoRNFED. Dat's what Ah say. Much WORN (to Pineapple). Well, young man, does yo' give yo'self quietly? Pineapple {puzzled). Hey? MucHwoRN. And did yo' bring de swag wid yo', and if so how much? Pineapple. Swag? Ah don't understand yo', sah. MucHWORN. In dat case we has to take it away from yo'. Grab him., boys. {They seize Pineapple. Muchworn searches his pockets and brings out a few coins.) Pineapple {protestingly). What am de meanin' ob dis high-handed outrage? Muchworn {referring to coins). Outrage am right. Whar's de rest ob de money? BiLKiNS. Yes; kick in! Pineapple. Hum ! Very suspicious. Ah took yo' fo' police ossifers. CoRNFED. We am. Dat's de reason he say kick in. Muchworn. Am dis all yo' stole? Why, yo' ought to be ashamed ob yo'self. {Hits him unth stuffed club.) Pineapple. Stole? Ah nevah stole nawthin'. 8 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. MucHwoRN. Well, it am a little better than nawthin', but not much. (Puts coins in his pocket.) Boys, dis heah burglar am tryin' to give us de double-crossin'. He am holdin' out on us. CoRNFED. De scoundrel. (Hits him zmth stuffed club.) .^BiLKiNS. How can a man sink so low! (Soaks Pine- apple zuith stuffed club.) MucHwoRN. Boys, enough. We mus' let de all power- ful law take its course. (They beat him with their clubs, rush him to cell room door and throw him out. Muchworn, taking arms of Cornfed and Bilkins and leading them dozun C). Boys, a little bit ob friendly advice. Let dat little incident be a lesson to yo'. He didn't come clean wid us, and yo' see what happened to him. Thereupon and Vv^hyfo', honesty am de best policy. (The other two stand zvith bozved heads for an instant.) Cornfed. Yes, Ah know; but how about dem jingle pieces yo^ done lifted from his pocket? Bilkins. Ain't we in on dem? MucHWORN. Decidedly no. Cornfed. Den dat ''honesty am de best pohcy" stuff am a liar. Enter Luke Warm^ street door, zvalks majestically to ■platform, to back of desk and impressively removes hat, adjusts spectacles and thumps top of desk with open hand. Bilkins, Much worn and Cornfed (turning simultane- ously, salaam to him and in chorus exclaim:) Good mawnin', judge. Warm (bows stiffly and sits). De police court am now declared open — and may de Lord have mercy on yo' souls ! (Scans slip of paper on desk.) Any guilty persons heah dis mawnin'? Muchworn. We got some persons, judge, but we don't know 'bout dem bein' guilty or innocent. Warm (sternly). Why don't you know? Didn't yo' ask 'em? Muchworn. Yes, judge ; and dey all say no dey wasn't. GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. 9 Warm. Den whatta yo' mean arrestin' innocent per- sons? MucHWORN. Law-zee, man, ain't yo' de judge? Ain't yo' supposed to tell 'em whether dey is guilty or not? Warm. Dat's so. But Ah reckon dey should know bettah den me. BiLKiNS. Yes, sah, judge. Heah's a man dat should know — and he does. (Indicates Much worn.) Warm. What's dat? CoRNFED. He done separate a man from his money and kept it all hisself, judge. Warm (sternly to Muchworn). Sergeant Muchworn, yo' will step befo' dis august court. (Muchworn stands in front of desk). Now what's dis heah talk 'bout yo' obtainin' money from some person or persons heretofo' and darafter unknown? Who'd yo' git dat money from? Muchworn. Ah done gits it from a burglar, judge. Warm (sezferely). Oho! What's dis Ah heah, one ob my mos' trusted and valued ossifers takin' money from a prisoner ! Shame on yo' ! Shame on yo'. Ah say. Ain't yo' a sworn ossifer ob de law, sworn to do yo' duty, night or day? What's dis country comin' to when a ossifer ob de law abstracts money from a prisoner? What's it comin' to, hey? How much money yo' gits, Sergeant Muchworn? Muchworn. 'Bout a dollar's worth of small change; dat's all. Warm (severely). Shame on yo' agin. A man in yq' exalted position to stoop so low as to take a insignificant sum like a dollar. Shame on yo' for a cheap graftin' rep- robate. Yo' will fo'thwith deposit dat said dollar's worth ob change on de court's desk. Muchworn (reluctantly deposits coins on desk). Dar 'tis. Warm. Now let dis be a lesson to yo'. Nex' time yo' graft, don't let me know 'bout it. (Puts coins in his pocket.) Muchworn. Say, judge, dat ain't fair to take it all. Ain't Ah in on part ob it? Warm. No part a-tall. Ah'm de "man higher up" 10 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. round heah, not yo'. (Cornfed and Bilkins laugh taunt- ingly at Much WORN.) Now den, we'll proceed to de regu- lar order ob business. (Glances at slip of paper on desk.) Bring in ''Come-on" Wherewith. Cornfed and Bilkins cross to cell room door and escort Wherewith to desk. Muchworn stands at desk and acts as prosecutor. Wherewith (cordially and extending hand to Warm). Good mornin', judge. (They shake hands.) Ah'm cer- tainly keepin' yo' busy, ain't Ah, judge? Warm. Yo' was ; but yo' ain't no mo' fo' a while after Ah gits through wid yo'. What yo' been a-doin'? Muchworn. Yo honor, dis man am accused ob fleecin' a Hebrew gemmen out ob $25. Warm (admiringly to Wherewith). Law-zee, man, yo' am sure some con man. Any man dat kin git $25 from a Hebrew am too smart to go to jail. Whar am dat twen- ty-five ? Wherewith. Ah done spent it, judge. Warm. Shame on yo'. Den yo' ain't got no money? Wherewith. No, sah. Warm. Say, dat ain't no nice way. How yo' expect us police folks gwine to live? Ah fines yo' twenty dollars fo' contempt ob court. Wherewith. What's de use? Ah ain't got it. . Warm. Hum, dat's so. Ah sure kaint git what yo' ain't got. (Thoughtfid pause.) Yo' used to be a pickpocket, din't yo? Wherewith (proudly). Yes, sah, and a powerful good one, too. Warm. Den yo' go out an' git busy in a crowd and bring me back dat twenty. Wherewith. Ah'll do dat, judge. Good day. (Where- with exits, street door. Muchworn, Cornfed and Bil- kins gaze at each other in astonishment.) Warm. Say, what's de mattah wid yo' fellows? Pro- fessional jealousy? (Looks at slip of paper.) Bring in "Alabama" Screwluce. He's guilty befo' we starts. GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. 11 MucHWORN. How comes it? Warm. I kin tell by his name. CoRNFED and Bilkins cross to cell room and escort ScREWLUCE to desk. ScREWLUCE (familiarly). Mawnin', judge. Warm. So yo' am heah agin, eh? Didn't Ah tell yo' de las' time yo' was heah dat Ah. nevah wanted to see yo' heah agin? ScREWLUCE. Yes, sah; but Ah couldn't make dem cops believe dat yo' said it. Warm. What brought yo' heah dis time? ScREWLUCE. Four black cops and a blue wagon. Warm. No, no; on what charge? ScREWLUCE. No charge whatsoever. Didn't cost me a cent. Warm. Hum! What yo' all do fo' a Hvin'? ScREWLUCE. Ah'm a chicken raiser. Much WORN. Yes, but he only works at night, judge. Warm. And Ah suppose de darker de night, de mo' yo' raise. How old am yo', Alabama? ScREWLUCE. Twenty-two, judge. Warm. Well, yo'll be just twenty-three when yo' come out. (Much worn, Cornfed and Bilkins grab Screw- luce and hustle him to R. and off. Cornfed and Bilkins return to desk, Much worn stands in doorway, yawns and goes to sleep.) Enter Pineapple from R., crosses to desk. They all stare at him in amazement. Pineapple {to Warm^ dramatic pose). Ah am a de- tective. Warm. Yes, but kin you prove it? Pineapple. Ah don't have to prove it. Ah admits it. MucHWORN {suddenly waking). Judge, he ain't no de- tective. He's a burglar. Warm. Approach de court closer and offer what yo' got to say. (Much WORN crosses to desk.) What evidence yo' offer? MucHWORN. Yo' done got de evidence in yo' pocket. 12 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. Warm (takes coins from pocket and jingles them to- gether). Dis what yo' mean? MucHWORN. Yes, sah; dat am de evidence. Warm {puts coins hack in pocket). Prisoner discharged — on account ob lack ob evidence. Pineapple. Ah don't want to be discharged. Ah wants mah money. {All laugh loudly.) If Ah don't gits mah money, Ah gits satisfaction. {Drazvs a revolver and levels it at Much WORN.) Yo' am de party what got mah money. Now yo' make good. MucHWORN {grabs gun from Pineapple). What do yo' mean b}^ pointin' dat gun at me? Don't yo' know dat am loaded and it might go of¥ and shoot me? Fo' two cents A'd take de butt ob dis an' beat yo' brains out. Ah would, only yo' ain't got none. Ah got a bettah idea. Ah'm gwine to make yo' eat all de bullets in dis gun. (Pineapple re- coils and starts to speak.) Shut up! Don't talk! Ah'll do all de talkin'. {Breaks revolver and extracts supposed cartridges.) Open yo' mouth. (Pineapple opens mouth wide and Much worn puts cartiridge in his mouth.) Swallow dat, now. (Pineapple szvallozvs with com- edy business.) De idea. Comin' in a court room and tryin' to hold up a ossifer of de law at de point of a loaded gun. Ah'm gwine to teach yo' how to behave in real society. {Kicks Pineapple in seat of trousers and gun is fired off stage simMltaneously. Comedy business by all.) Ah was willin' fo' to overlook yo' bein' a detective, but when yo' stuck dat gun under mah nose. Ah forgot every- thin' except dat yo' must be taught a lesson. Take dat agin in de same place. {He again kicks Pineapple and again the gun is discharged off stage. Comedy business by all.) Dere is only one v/ay to treat a person Hke yo'. Yes, sah ; jes' one way. When a gemmen like me is insulted, de reflex is jes' naturally to teach said person a lesson. Dat's what Ah'm doin' wid you. Teachin' yo' a lesson. De next time yo' draws a gun on a gemmen, shoot fust. . Shut up. Don't speak. Jes' all yo' gotta to do is take dat. {He kicks Pineapple, but this time no report follows. All stare in astonishment.) Say, what's de mattah? GOOD MORNIxN' JUDGE. 13 Pineapple. Ah reckon dat last one mus' a been a blank. (Pineapple sits in chair.) Enter Percy . Pinfeathers from cell room. Pinfeathers {advances to desk). Say, Ah got quite some tired in dere, don't yo' know, and Ah came out to see if — (stops suddenly and gazes at Warm's shirt front) Aha! {Points at it excitedly.) Aha! Dere's mah shirt now. Warm. Whatta yo' mean, yo' shirt? Pinfeathers. Yo' know last evenin' yo' and me was lookin' in a store window, admirin' de display ob dose fancy shirts. Warm. Yes. Whatta 'bout it? Pinfeathers. Yo' went away and Ah went inside and bought one ob dem said fancy shirts. Ah took it home and put it in my chiffosneeze. Warm. Yo' mean chiffonier. Pinfeathers. Oh, yo' know whar Ah put it all right. Anyhow, when Ah went to git it dis mawnin' it was gone. Warm. De chiffonier? Pinfeathers No, sah; mah shirt. Warm. Say, am yo' 'sinuatin' dat Ah took yo' shirt? Pinfeathers. No, sah; Ah ain't 'sinuatin' nawthin'. Ah'm jes' alludin', dat's all. Warm. Do you' mean to say dat yo' think Ah would stoop so low as to steal yo' shirt? Pinfeathers. Yo' didn't have to stoop fo' it; it was up on top ob de chiffonier. Warm. Oh, let it drop. Pinfeathers. Ah wish yo' would; den Ah'd get mah shirt. Warm. Ah want yo' to 'stinctly understand dat Ah got a lot ob shirts. Pinfeathers. Yes, Ah knows dat. Now yo' got one mo den yo' had. Warm. Say, Ah warns yo' dat yo' bettah look out. Fust thing yo' know you'll have a suit on yo' hands. Pinfeathers. Yes, an' if Ah do, yo' kin bet yo' Hfe Ah'll watch it closer den Ah did mah shirt. 14 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. Warm. Fo' de las' time Ah tells yo' Ah ain't got yo' shirt. PiNFEATHERS. We'll take de mattah up befo' a jury. Ah'm gwine prove yo' has got it. (Turns and addresses audience.) Ladies and Gemmen ob de jury, de evidence in dis case is thus : Last evenin', between de hours ob six and seven, Ah done bought a shirt, took it home, placed it carefully in my chiffonier — whatever dat is — and went to sleep. When Ah rose from mah downy couch this mawnin' Ah looked fo' said article of wearin' apparel, which Ah had de night befo' purchased from a haberdashery, and to mah intense amazement, not to say deep disgust, discovered dat de shirt was among dose dat was missin'. Ah comes down heah dis mawnin', on another mattah, entirely, and dere, on de person ob dis 'tinguished judge, saw mah shirt. Now Ah done leave de case in yo' hands. Is he guilty or not guilty? Warm (rises to feet excitedly). Ah appeal; Ah appeal. PiNFEATHERS. Yo' do what? Warm. Ah appeal ; Ah appeal PiNFEATHERS. Dat Settle it. If he peels. Ah get mah shirt. (Goes to street door. The others all turn and gaze at him.) Warm (to Pinfeathers). Say, wasn't yo' arrested fo' something or other? PiNFEATHERS. Yes, and yo' ought to be. Good by. (Exits.) Warm. Hum! Ah gotta get even wid somebody. Bring in Zeke Whitehead. (The officers stand and look aghast at him.) Well, why don't yo' bring him in? MucHWORN. If yo' want him, go git him yo'self. Warm. What's de mattah? How comes Ah got to git him mahself? BiLKiNS He's totin' a razor, dat's why. MucHwoRN (indicating it to he about three feet in length). Yes, an' it's dat long, too. Warm. Well, yo' got two brave ossifers dar; send 'em in. GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. 15 CoRNFED. When Ah gits ready to commit suicide, Ah chooses mah. own way, not yours, judge. BiLKiNS. And mah wife expects me home to supper. {They all turn in common impulse and look at Pineapple, zvho is resting easily in his chair.) CoRNFED {scratching head thoughtfully). Judge, dat wouldn't be a bad idea a-talL BiLKiNS. Dat's right. Nobody would ever miss him. MucHWORN. His nose am too long anyhow. Warm {to Pineapple). Young man, yo' has a chance — Pineapple. Yes, but Ah ain't got no money. Warm. Money ain't everythin' in this world. Glory am sometimes mo' to be unconsidered and eliminated, so to speak, den money. Actin' under dese kind impulses. Ah herewith 'point yo' to obtrude yo' presence inter yonder room and return wid one said Zeke Whitehead — until death do us part. Pineapple. Judge, Ah gotta has a clue befo' Ah done git anybody. Warm {significantly) . Well, yo'll find de clue on him. MucHWORN. And yo' kin shave yo'self wid it, too. (Pineapple places magnifying glass to eyes, crosses to R. and exits. The others all make a mad scramble to conceal themselves behind the judge's desk and then peer from around it, apprehensively watching cell room door.) Enter Pineapple and Whitehead from R. Pineapple. As Ah jes' done tole yo'. Ah am a detective. Whitehead. Ah. don't care nawthin' 'bout yo'. What Ah wants to fricassee, am dose cops. {Glares angrily about, flourishing razor. The others display comedy fright as he zvhets razor on sole of shoe.) Bring on dem flabergasted, would-be, nearly ain't cops. Pineapple {zvith glass to eye). Hum! Very suspicious. Dey was heah a moment ago. (Whitehead prozvls about, razor handy, seeking them.) Warm {to officers). Men, duty call yo'. MucHWORN. Dat ain't duty.' Dat am Zeke Whitehead. Warm {rises and assumes judicial attitude). Zeke White- 16 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. head, Ah commands yo' to 'pear befo' dis dishonorable court. {The three policemen attempt to conceal themselves behind him.) Whitehead {in front of desk). Well, heah Ah am. Jes' yo' try and fo'ce me to do what Ah don't want to do. {Flourishes razor.) Warm {nervously). Kaint dis affair be settled out of court ? Whitehead. Dat's perzactly what Ah was tryin' to do when dem cops butted in and pinched me. Pineapple. Ah would suggest, yo' honor, dat yo' call yo' witnesses and try dis heah man. Warm {looking at the policemen, who are still trying to crowd themselves in the smallest possible space back of him). Ah done call 'em already. Dey seem to be afeard to show dere hands. Whitehead. Say, dis ain't no poker game. Nevah mind dere hands ; jes' let dem show some part of dere body, dat's all — and den Ah operates. (Whitehead rushes at Warm, he falls to floor and behind the policemen for self- protection. Whitehead vigorously attacks the four, flour- ishing razor, etc., and they finally seek safety in flight. Whitehead chases them around stage and across to R., zvhere they exeunt in wild confusion, Warm is at the rear of the stage and is about to exit, when Whitehead grabs one tail of his coat and with a mighty slash of his razor cuts it off. Exit Warm. Have coattail previously detached and put on in such a manner that it' may be easily pulled off.) Pineapple {peering through glass). Very suspicious! Judge Warm almost lost a suit in his own court room. (Whitehead triumphantly holds up coattail and razor, looks about, discovers Pineapple and starts for him in menacing manner.) Enter Lily White, street door. Lily {yelling at Whitehead). Heah, yo'! Look heah, man. (Whitehead turns and stares in amazement at her.) What you think yo' doin' ? Dis ain't no camp meetin'. Gimme GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. 17 dat razor. (Whitehead, in hypnotized manner, approaches her and gives her the razor.) Pineapple. Marvelous! Why, lady, dat man jes' got through mussin' up de place wid five men. Lily. Which jes' naturally proves dat one female woman is de equalization ob five male men. (Warm, on hands and knees, thrusts head from door R., zuhile just above his head appears the head of Muchworn; then just above ^ his head appears the head of Cornfed, and just above his head is seen the head of Bilkins. This forms a comedy picture for an instant, then they gaze cautiously about, and finding Lily in possession of razor, they ad- vance boldly into room. The three oHHcers grab White- head and roughly force him to desk. Warm takes his judicial position behind desk.) Warm {to Whitehead). Young man, de law is a pow- erful thing. Yo' might git away wid rough stuff fo' a while, but taint' no use buckin' agin de law. No, sah; de law is mighty and mus' be served. {He swells proudly, likezvise the three policemen.) Lily. Law-zee ! Whar would de law ^ been if Ah don't come to de rescue? Warm. Ossifer, what's de charge agin dis guilty nigger? Muchworn. He was found on de banks ob de ri\*er at two o'clock in de year ob our Lord dis mawnin'. Warm {to Whitehead). On de banks ob de river, eh? Am yo' a milkman? Pineapple. He mus' be. He was after water at two in de mawnin'. Whitehead. No, sah ; Ah ain't no milkman ; Ah'm a barber. Warm. Den what in de name ob peaceful goodness yo' all doin' on de banks ob de river at two o'clock in de mawnin' ? Whitehead. Ah was takin' a bath. Warm {surprised). Takin' a what? Whitehead. Ah repeats with increased vocabulary. Ah was takin' a bath. Warm. One year! 18 GOOD MORNIN' JUDGE. Whitehead (recoiling in shocked amazement). What fo' — takin' a bath? Warm. No, sah; fo' perjury. (The three officers rush him across to R., throzu him forcibly off and return to desk, proud of their prowess.) De law am a Pacific Ocean on dat point, and it am likewise a bad thing- fo' to monkey wid, as witness de calamity dat befell dat nigger. (Discovers Lily, apparently for the first time azvare of her presence, rises and bows gallantly to her.) Ah sure does beg yo' par- don, lady. Ah was not aware ob yo' incurrent comin', so to speak. Kin Ah do somethin' fo' yo', lady? Lily (to desk). Ah don't know if yo' kin or if yo' kaint. Ah mos' ginerally kin take care ob mahself. (All salaam. She tosses head in disdainful manner.) Warm. Ob course, lady. Now Ah don't want to ap- pear to be rushin' yo' or nawthin', but de fac' is dat de court am 'bout through fo' de day, and Ah would ask yo' fo' to speed up a little wid yo' statement ob de fac' in toto quilm. Lily. Well, judge, to put it quick and fast, Ah wants a divorce. Warm. What yo' wants a divorce fo'? Li