French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors. No. 81. W ^ BY JAMES HENRY DARNLEY w w ty w w w w w PRICE, 25 CENTS. ^ * ¥ w ^ London New York SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. SAMUEL FRENCH 26 Southampton Street, PUBLISHER STRAND, LONDON 26 W 22D Street I FACING THE MUSIC I I Hn ©dcjinal farcical Corned in TIbree Bets J v^^n^nv^\x<*^^^*ns^c^^*^k*vn^^ ^ Copyright, 1905, by Samuel French & All Rights Reserved. ^ CAUTION :— Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified ^ that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws fa of the United States Government, and nobody is allowed to "* do this play without first having obtained permission of fa Samuel French, 34 West zzd Street, New York City, U.S.A. fa fa fa fa n A <* fa /a >S»»%§»»»»»»»»»»»»&&»»»»»»»»»»»»»^»s FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. Price IS Cents each.— Bound Volumes $1.25. 1 !•» VOL. I. M Virginias MEIngeftk, fif Union A. ft Th. ftsat 1 r*»ie S Tke Laiy •' Lyens 4 Rlahellea I Th. Wif. • Tke Heaeymeon I Tke Sckeel for Scandal • Meaty TOL. IL • Tke Stranger 1* •raadfather Whitehead II JUekara III II Leve'e Baerlflce II Ths Oataester 14 A Cart far the Heartach. II The Huachbaek II Boa Caeiar da Baaan TOL. III. IT Tka Paor Gentleman II Raml.t II Charles II 14 Venlee Preserved •1 Plaarro H Tho Lara Chat* tl Otkalla 14 Lsae ma Five Shillings VOL. IT. at tka Common* kiiu ranee iDav •I Tare Caatleman ef Verona 10 Tka Jealous Wife II Tka Rivals 11 Perfection .VOL. V. [Debts II A Naw Vf ay to Pay Old 14 Laak Befere You Leap II Kiag John II Nerveus Man II Bam. a a«4 Pythias II Clandestias Marriage II William Tell 41 Day after the Wedding VOL. VI. 41 Speed the Plough 41 Romeo and Juliet 41 Feudal Times 44 Cbarlaa the Twelfth 41 Tka Bride 41 Tke rallies ef a Night 4T Iran Chest [Fair Lady 41 Taint Heart Never Won TOL. VII. 41 Read U Ruin II Macbeth II Tamper It Ivadne II Bertram |4 Tke Duenna II Much Ado About Nothing ••The Critic VOL. Till. IT The Apostate II Twelfth Night II Brutus •0 Slinpsea A Ce II If erekaat ef Tenlce II Old HeeesfcYeung Hearts 41 Meuntelaeers [riage 14 Three Weeks after Mar- VOL. IX. •I Leva •I Ai You Like It IT Tke Elder Brother •I Werner If GUlppus Tl Town and Country Tl Riag Lear Tl Blue Devils VOL. X. tl Henry VIII T4 Married and Single f I Henry IV Tl Paul Pry 17 Guy Mannering Tl Sweethearts and Wvres Tl Serious Family •I She Stoovis to Conquer VOL. XI. 81 Julius Csesar 19 Vicar of Wakefield IS Leap Year 14 The Catspaw II The Passing Cloud II Drunkard •7 Rab Roy 88 George Barnwell VOL. XII. 89 Ingomar 90 Sketches in India 91 Two Friends 91 Jane Shore II Corsican Brothers »4 Mind your own Business •5 Writing on the Wall II Heir at Law VOL. XIII. •7 Soldier's Daughter 15 Douglas II Marco Spada III Nature's Nobleman 101 Bardanapalus 108 Civilisation 103 The Robbers 104 Katharine and Petruchlo VOL. XIV. 105 Game of Love 104 Midsummer Night's 107 Ernestine [Dream 101 Rag Picker of Paris 101 Flying Dutchman III Hypocrite 111 Therese 118 La Tour de Neslt VOL. XV. 113 Ireland As It a 114 Sea of Ice III Seven Clerka 111 Game of Life 117 Forty Thieves 111 Bryan Boroihme II Romance and Reality [Moscow 181 The Tempest 138 The Pilot 123 Carpenter of Rouen 114 King's Rival 186 Little Treasure 124 Dombey and Son 127 Parents' and Guardians 121 Jewess VOL. XVII. 191 Camllle 180 Married Life 131 Wenlock of Wenlock 148 Rose of Ettrlckvale 183 David Copperfield 134 Aline, or the Rose of 131 Pauline [Killarney 134 Jane Eyre VOL. XVIII. 137 Night and Morning 138 ^Ethiop 129 Three Guardsmen 146 Tom Cringle 141 Henriette, the Forsaken 142 Eustache Baudln 43 Ernest Maltravers 144 Bold Dragoons VOL. XIX. 145 Dred, or the Dismal • [Swamp 141 Last Days of Pompeii 147 Esmeralda 141 Peter Wilklng 141 Ben the Boatswain 140 Jonathan Bradford HI Retribution 159 Mineral! VOL. XX. 1 53 French Spy 154 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 155 Evil Genius 154 Ben Bolt 167 Sailor of Franca 168 Red Mask 159 Life of an Actresa 160 Wedding Day VOL. XXI. 141 All's Fair in Love 168 Hofer 163 Self 164 Cinderella 146 Phantom 166 Franklin 167 The Gunmaker'of 168 The Love of a Prince VOL. XXII. 169 Son of the Night 170 Rory O'More 171 Golden Eagle 172 Rienzi 174 Broken Sword 174 Rip Van Winkle '76 Isabel le 174 Heart of Mid Lothian VOL. XXIII. 177 Actress of Padua 17* Floating Beacon 179 Bride of Lammermoor 180 Cataract of the Ganges 181 Robber of the Rhine 182 School of Reform 183 Wandering Boys 184 Mareppa VOL. XXIV. 185 Young New York 186 Tho Victims 187 Romance after Marriage 188 Brigand 189 Poor of New York 119 Ambrose Gwinett 191 Raymond and Agnes 192 Gambler's Fate VOL. XXV. 193 Father and Son 194 Massanl.llo 196 Sixteen String Jack 196 Youthful Queen 197 Skeleton Witness 98 Innkeeper of Abbeville 199 Miller and his Men 800 Aladdin VOL. XXVI. 201 Adrienne the Actress 209 Undine 80S Jesse Brown 204 Asmodeus 205 Mormons 204 Blanche of Brandywine 207 Viola 208 Deseret Deserted VOL. XXVII. 209 Americans In Paris 210 Victorine 11 Wizard of the War* 219 Castle Spectre 213 Horse-shoe Robinson 214 Armand, Mrs. Mo watt 215 Fashion, Mrs. Mowatt 216 Glance at New York VOL. XXVIII. 217 Inconstant 218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 919 Guide to the Stage 220 Veteran 221 Miller of New Jersey 222 Dark Hour before Dawn 223 Midsum'rNiglit'sDream [Laura Keene's Edition 224 Art and Artifice VOL. XXIX. 225 Poor Young Man 226 Ossawattomie Brown 227 Pope of Rome 228 Oliver Twist 229 Pauvrette 230 Man in the Iron Mask 231 Knight of Arra 232 Moll Pitcher VOL. XXX. 233 Black Eyed Susan 234 Satan in Paris 235 Rosina Meadows [ess 236 West End, or Irish Heir- 237 Six Degrees of Crime 238 The Lady and the Devil 239 Avenger, or Moor of Sici- 240 Masks and Faces [ly VOL. XXXI. 241 Merry Wives of Windsor 242 Mary's Birthday 243 Shandv Maguire '.'44 Wild Oats 245 Michael Erie •;4S Idiot Witness 247 Willow Copse 248 People's Lawyer VOL. XXXII. 249 The Boy Martyrs 250 Lucretia Borgia 251 Surgeon of Paris ' 262 Patrician's Daughter 253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 254 Momentous Question 255 Love and Loyalty 256 Robber's Wi'fe VOL. XXXIII. 257 Dumb Girl of Genoa 258 Wreck Ashore 259 Clari 260 Rural Felicity 261 Wallace 262 Madelaine 263 The Fireman :>64 Grist to the Mill VOL. XXXIV. 265 Two Loves and a Life 266 Annie Blake 267 Steward 268 Captain Kyd 269 Nick of the Woods 270 Marble Heart 271 Second Love 272 Dream at Sea VOL. XXXV. 273 Breach of Promise 274 Review 275 Lady of the Lake 276 Still Water Runs Deep 277 The Scholar 278 Helping Hands 279 Faust and Marguerite "" Last Man VOL. XXXVf. 281 Belle's Stratagem 282 Old and Young 283 Raffaella 284 Ruth Oakley 235 British Slave 286 A Life's Ransom 287 Giralda 288 Time Tries All VOL. XXXVII. 289 Ella Rosenburg 290 Warlock of the Glen 291 Zelina 292 Beatrice 293 Neighbor Jaekwood 294 Wonder 295 Robert Emmet 296 Green Bushes VOL. XXXVIII. 297 Flowers of the Forest 298 A Bachelor of Arts 299 The Midnight Banquet 300 Husband of an Hour 301 Love's Labor Lost 302 Naiad Queen 303 Caprice 304 Cradle of Liberty VOL. XXXIX. 305 The Lost Ship 306 Country Squire Fraud and its Victims 308 Putnam King and Deserter 310 La Fiammina 311 A Hard Struggle 312 Gwinnette Vaughan VOL. XL. 313 The Love Knot [Judge 314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 315 The Noble Heart 316 Coriolanus 317 The Winter's Tale 318 Eveleen Wilson 319 Ivanhoe 320 Jonathan In England (French's Standard Drama Continued on J d page of Cover.) SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d Street, New York City. New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. FACING THE MUSIC En ©rtginal ffarcicai Coined in Hbree Hcts JAMES HENRY DARNLEY Copyright, 1905, by Samuel French. New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 16 WEST 22D STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street, STRAND, LONDON. -. [wo Copies tiecMved MAR 25 1905 Q* ioyyngni tdtry ^4 A. FACING THE MUSIC. CHARACTERS. Rev. John Smith — The Curate of St. Andrews. John Smith — The other Mr. Smith. Dick Desmond — The other Mr. Smith's guest. Colonel Duncan Smith — The other Mr. Smith's uncle. Sergeant Duffell — Attached to Vine St Police Station. Mabel — (fair) — The Curate's wife. Nora — (dark) — The other Mr. Smith's wife. Miss Fotheringay — (golden hair) — Of the Bijou Thea- tre. Mrs. Ponting — The other Mr. Smith's housekeeper. The action of the play takes place in " The other Mr. Smith's " Flat, No. 19, Mona Mansions, Kensington. Period: — Present day. Autumn. Act I. Before breakfast. 10 o'clock. Act II. After breakfast. 10.40 o'clock. Same morn- ing. Act III. Before lunch. 11.30 o'clock. Same morn- The plot and complications are worked out in two hours, only ten minutes elapse between each act. FACING THE MUSIC. Copyrighted — Theatre Royal, Leicester, February 1st, 1899. Afterwards played at the Prince of Wales' Thea- tre, Liverpool, on May 22nd, 1899, with the following cast: — The Rev. John Smith Mr. Frank Stayton. John Smith Mr. Frank Thornton. Dick Desmond Mr. Leslie Kenyon. Col. Duncan Smith Mr. Herbert Stanley. Sergeant Duffell Mr. Lionel Brough. Mabel Miss Nellie Thorne. Nora Miss Hope Dudley. Miss Fotheringay Miss Beatrice Mervyn. Mrs. Ponting Miss Bessie Major. COSTUMES. Rev. John Smith. Clerical suit and hat — all three Acts. John Smith. First — Evening dress, shirt-front very much crumpled — opera hat, silk scarf, long overcoat. Second — Morning suit — fashionable. Silk hat. Dick Desmond. First — Dark trousers and vest, fancy dressing jacket. Second — Dark suit. Blue serge for preference. Col. Duncan Smith. Smart frock coat suit, silk hat f iron-grey hair and moustache. Military bearing. Sergeant Duffell. Well dressed, looking like a coun- try squire, and in no way indicates by his dress that he is a detective. Mabel. Pretty morning dress — bright silk petticoat over an elaborate white petticoat — black silk stockings, patent shoes. Nora. Very smart travelling costume with fashion- able long travelling cloak. Miss Fotheringay. Very smart ivalking costume. Mrs. Ponting. Black dress, white cap and apron. (A comely woman of about 40.) The Hat discovered in Act II. should be stylish brown velvet with ostrich feathers. The Umbrella — Good one, with massive gold top. The Boa — A handsome feather one. N. B. In selecting dresses, Mabel and Nora must re- member that the time is late Autumn. N. B. All the knocks, rings, etc., must be done by the characters on door of flat and not by the prompter. PROPERTY PLOT. ACT I. Breakfast things. — 3 cups and saucers, 3 plates, butter \, milk jug, silver sugar basin, 6 knives, 6 forks, 3 finger napkins, silver toast rack with toast, preserve dish with marmalade, basket of late autumn flowers. Pocket-book (good), visiting cards, bank notes (£200), small pamphlet (printed matter), six good vases, gold and silver coins, lady's dressing-bag, scent bottle inside (small), lady's visiting cards, two written letters, en- velopes, — " Daily Telegraph " on breakfast table, " Gra- phic", "Illustrated London News" (good), whiskey in decanter, soda in small bottle, silver salver, stylograph pen, lady's cabinet photo, four latch keys, note book for curate. ACT II. Large hat ivith feathers (lady's), gray feather boa. handsome umbrella (lady's), subscription list, gold and silver coins, pocket-book and bank notes (£200), sov- ereign purse (Colonel), pocket-book (Duffell); purse, telegraph forms (Mabel). ACT III. Policeman's whistle. GAS AND LIMES, ETC. ACT I. Lights full up all through Act. ACT II. Lights full up all through Act, ACT III. Lights full up all through Act. FURNITURE PLOT. The One Scene Stands the Three Acts. Handsome carpet, ottoman, rugs, fender and fire-irons, curtains at window, doors, etc., sideboard, overmantel, 3 easy chairs, 6 ordinary chairs, 4 occasional tables, 1 square breakfast table, 6 good pictures, umbrella and hat-stand for hall, hall mat. 4 FACING THE MUSIC. ACT I. Scene. — Breakfast-room in John Smith's flat at Ken- sington. Morning. A handsomely furnished room. Door of room leading into flat from hall C, open when Curtain rises. On table, handsome table cover, with white table-cloth over it. Large tray on table, covered with white tea cloth. Three breakfast cups and sau- cers and spoons. Three small plates and knives and forks. Sugar basin tvith sugar and tongs. Cruet. It is important that the table is set in this way,. in order that Mabel can clear it quickly, for her exit in 2nd Act. (Mrs. Ponting discovered seated and poking fire. Gong clock on mantelpiece strikes ten cs Curtain rises.) Mrs. P. Ten o'clock. No one ready for breakfast, tho cutlets done to a turn and spoiling for the want of eat- ing, (knocks at door doivn l.) Breakfast is quite ready, ma'am. Mabel, (off stage l.) Thank you, Mrs. Ponting. Has my husband returned home? Mrs. P. No, ma'am, he hasn't. Mabel, (off stage) Then I'll wait breakfast, Mrs. Ponting. Mrs. P. Very well, ma'am, (crossing to door up R.) Poor master! Poor Mr. Smitb! I wonder what's be- come of him? He's been keeping anything but respecta- ble hours, whilst his wife's been away, but I've never known him stop out all night before, (knocks at door up r.) Mr. Desmond! (Dick gives a loud yawn.) (knocks again) Mr. Desmond, it's past ten o'clock. Are you getting up, sir? 5 6 FACING THE MUSIC. Dick, (off stage) Yes, Mrs. Ponting. (yawning) Mr. Smith waiting breakfast? Mrs. P. No, sir, he's out. Dick. Out, Mrs. Ponting? (still yawning) Mbs. P. Yes, sir, and what's more he's been out all night. Dick. Out all night, Mrs. Ponting? (laughs and yawns. [Dick's laugh all through the play must be most hearty and irrepressible.'] It's lucky his wife's away! Mrs. P. But she isn't away, sir — she's at home! Dick. At home, Mrs. Ponting? Mrs. P. Yes, sir, she arrived quite unexpectedly late last night. Dick. That's awkward, (laughs) Mrs. P. It's no laughing matter, sir; and so you'd say if you was a married man. Dick. But I'm not a married man, Mrs. Ponting — for- tunately. Mrs. P. (aside) Yes, fortunately for the lady who might have been his wife. He's what I call one of the " burn-the-cand!e-at-both-ends " young gentlemen; and even since he's been staying here, he's set master a very bad example. (Rev. S. knocks and rings off.) Here he is, perhaps. But master wouldn't knock, he'd open the door with his latchkey. Ah! He's met with an accident, (going up) and here's somebody coming with the melancholy news, (opens door of flat) (Enter Rev. Smith.) Rev. S. Is Mr. Smith within? Mrs. P. No, sir; he is without. Rev. S. How exceedingly unfortunate! I particular- ly wanted to see him! (Rev. S. enters room and goes down l. Mrs. P. shuts door and follows.) Mrs. P. (aside) So I should think, a-walking in like that, (aloud) Mrs. Smith's at home, sir. Rev. S. Thanks— but I do not want to see Mrs. Smith. Mrs. P. Well, sir, master being out you can't see him. Rev. S. That is a self-evident fact. FACING THE MUSIC. 7 Mrs. P. But I'm expecting him home every minute. Rev. S. Then perhaps Id better call again a little later. Good morning, (goes up c.) Mrs. P. What name shall I say, sir? Rev. S. Oh, of course, how stupid of me! (coming down l. c.) Oh, there is my card, (takes card from case) I am the curate of St. Andrew's, (gives card, going l. puts hat on head of couch) Mrs. P. (reads) "The Rev. John Smith, 69 Mona Mansions, Kensington." Rev. S. I dwell on the uppermost storey! (putting right hand up) Mrs. P. Lor, sir, how funny! Only fancy, your name is identically, exactly, just the same as master's — Chris- tian name and all. (puts card on table) Rev. S. Quite so. Hence the mistake I made in open- ing this letter. It is addressed to Mr. John Smith, 19 Mona Mansions. Mrs. P. Well, sir, this is number 19, and yours being G9, how did master's letter find its way to your flat, sir? Rev. S. Through the carelessness of the postman, or rather I should say the hall-porter, but I regret that I did not observe the absence cf the prefix denoting my calling. However, I will exercise more care in the future. Mrs. P. We are all liable to make mistakes, sir. Rev. S. Alas, yes; we are all prone to slip now and then. Mrs. P. Yes, it's a slippery world, sir, ain't it? (Bus. imitating tone of Rev. S.) Rev. S. But I fervently hope Mr. Smith will not be angry. Mrs. P. Oh no, sir; he'll quite understand. Rev. S. Perhaps I had better leave the letter; it may be important; and later, when I call a-again, I will offer him a personal explanation and my most abject apology. Can you oblige me with an envelope? Mrs. P. Yes, sir. I'll get one from the study. (Exit R. i. e.) Rev. S. Thank you so much, (goes to l. of table r.) Dick, (off stage up r. yawning) How confoundedly sleepy I feel this morning. Rev. S. (sits l. of table R.) The voice of the slug- gard — dear me! Dick, (off stage— laughs) So Smith's been out all night! (laughs again) Rev. S. Eh? I sincerely hope Mr. Smith has not Slirpetl, 8 FACING THE MUSIC. Dick, (off stage) Oh! damn the collar stud! Rev. S. (rises quickly, covering his ears with his hands) Oh, what awful language! But let me reflect. (returns to table, sits and produces note-book) What is the next thing I have to do this morning? Yes — I must send a telegram to Mabel, my dear wife. She should have returned from Scotland last night, but she did not do so. I am most distressed about her. (Mrs. Ponting enters e. I. e.) Mrs. P. The envelope, sir. Rev. S. I thank you. (takes envelope and places let- ter inside it) Mrs. P. Oh, how stupid of me; you'll want a pen, sir, went you? (going e.) Rev. S. No, thanks, I have my stylograph, (produces stylo pen from breast pocket) Pardon the question, but is your master, Mr. Smith, a zoologist? (addresses en- velope) Mrs. P. (aside) A zoo-li-ologist! (aloud) Lor, sir, whatever made you think that? Rev. S. A sentence in the letter I inadvertently opened: "Kangaroo arrived Newmarket, get two mon- keys on if possible." Mrs. P. (laughs) Master's a h'owner, sir. Rev. S. Of kangaroos and monkeys — I thought so. (hands letter to Mrs. P.) Mrs. P. No, no, sir — race-horses, sir. Rev. S. Race-horses! Oh, how shocking! (rises and goes l., picking hat off couch) He has fallen very low in my estimation, but I trust, my good woman — you are not contaminated? Mrs. P. Well, sir — I don't know about contaminated, but whenever I hears of anything good running, I gen- erally has a little bit on with the milkman. Rev. S. A little bit on with the milkman? What de- pravity! Mrs. P. You see, sir, his brother makes a book and — Rev. S. Madam, I beseech you the next time the milk- man calls, don't — don't have anything on! (crosses R. c) Mrs. P. Sir! Oh, I must, sir. I hadn't very much on when he called yesterday, sir, but Morny Cannon pulled it off, and I won 18 shillings. Rev. S. Sister, you are undone. Mrs. P. (Bus. with dress and turning round) Am I, sir — where? Rev. S. You are rushing blindly on to meet your fate. FACING THE MUSIC. 9 Mrs. P. Oh, I met him years ago, sir — but the in- fluenza carried him off. Ah! (sighs) — lie wasn't a bad sort, was my poor old Mat. Rev. S. I am not alluding to your poor old Mat, sister. I refer to another fate, the one that is in store for you. Mrs. P. No, thank you, sir — one was quite sufficient. A widow I am, and a widow I intend to remain. Rev. S. Do not misunderstand me. I am endeavoring to point out to you how wicked it is to indulge in the iniquitous pastime called Racing. Mrs. P. (laughs) Begging your pardon, sir, and with all due respect — but it's no use your trying. I like a little flutter now and then, and a little flutter I must have. Rev. S. Woman, perdition stares you in the face! Mrs. P. Oh! how 'orrible! Rev. S. Pause, reflect ere it is too late. Save your- self, my dear sister, save yourself, (with l. arm up) Mrs. P. That's just what the master says — always save yourself. Rev. S. Ah, yes! And there is only one sure way to do it. Mrs. P. Of course, sir. Put half your money on to win, and the other half for one, two, three. Rev. S. (goes down r. and returns c.) Oh, sister, let me exhort you to peruse the pages of this little pamph- let! It is a work of my own — " The Evils of the Turf." Good morning. (Mrs. P. crosses to R. of table R.) (going to door c.) Think — think of the fate of the re- jected! Mrs. P. (crossing up r.) I know it, sir. Last, abso- lutely last, when the master backed it. Rev. S. Oh, what profanity! (Lifts his eyes end hands in horror and makes quick exit, closing door of flat.) Mrs. P. (laughing) I'm afraid I've besn and shocked the gentleman; but there, I couldn't help it. (looks at pamphlet) "The Evils of the Turf, by the Rev. John Smith." (places it on table at top end) Don't catch me reading the rubbish! (going toioards window) (Enter Dick. He goes to fire r. and tvarms his hands.) Dick, (entering) Good morning, Mrs. Ponting. 16 FACING THE MUSIC. Mrs. P. Good morning, sir. (goes to window and ar- ranges curtains) Dick. So Mrs. Smith has returned home and Snuff s been out all night! There'll be a slight domestic breeze when he puts in an appearance. Poor old chap, he'll have to face the music presently, (sits r. of table R.) Mrs. P. (coming l. of table) Oh, sir, what did you do with the master last night? Dick. What did I do with him, Mrs, Ponting? Noth- ing. Mrs, P. Then where is he— what's become of him? Oh, sir! I've a feeling that something awful's happened to him; look what a dreadful night it was — the fog as thick as pea-soup as the saying is. Dick. It certainly was a beastly night, but J managed to get home all right. Mrs. P. Yes, sir — and precious late you was — I heard you fumbling about with the latchkey. Must have been close on three o'clock, sir. Dick. The fog, Mrs. Ponting, the fog! (rises and goes l. c) Mrs. Smith, you say, arrived home late last night? Mrs. P. Yes, sir. (goes r. c.) Dick. A week sooner than Mr. Smith expects her? Mrs. P. Yes, sir; and there she is in that room. (pointing to room l.) It was past twelve when she got here, and it took her over three hours to come in a cab from the station, that shews how thick the soup — I mean the fog, was, sir. Dick. Did she wait up for Mr. Smith? Mrs. P. She wanted to, sir, but as he's been com- ing home very late since Missus has been away, I ups and tells her Mr. Smith was away in the country and wouldn't be home till this morning. What with the fog down her throat and in her eyes, she was half asleep when she got here, and I knew sitting up and worrying wouldn't do her any good. Dick. And then she went to bed? Mrs. P. Yes, sir. Dick. Very smart of you, Mrs. Ponting, very clever! But are you quite sure he didn't come home last night? Mrs. P. Quite, sir. He's been using the spare room during his wife's absence, but the bed ain't been slept in; it's just as I left it when I made it yesterday. Dick. It's very funny — can't understand it. How does Mrs. Smith look — all the better for her change, I hope? Mrs. P. I can't say, sir, seeing as how I never saw her before last night. FACING THE MUSIC. 11 Dick. Of course not — she went to Dover some few days before you came here. Mrs. P. Yes, sir; but I must go and look after the cutlets, (going up to door c.) or they'll be burnt to a fe J r der. Oh, sir, I do hope the master won't be long. (Exit c.) Dick. So do I, I'm absolutely starving! (at corner of sofa l., looking at door l.) Now I wonder what Smiff's wife is like? Haven't had the pleasure of meet- ing her yet. Smiff says she is awfully jolly! Poor old fellow, where the deuce did he get to last night? By the way, before I meet the lady, (going to door up r.) think I'd better make myself a little more presentable. (Exit room r. Note: — He has on a dressing jacket, which he changes to coat for next entrance.) (Enter Mabel door l. just catching sight of Dick as he exits.) Mabel. Who is that? Oh yes, Mr. Desmond, my hus- band's guest. Mrs. Ponting told me he had a visitor; but how strange Johnnie never mentioned him in his letters, (picks up card off table r.) "The Rev. John Smith " — one of my husband's cards, (kissing it) You dear old darling, how I'm longing to see you. Now what shall I do until he returns? I know — I'll read his last letter once more, (sits on sofa l., reads) " 69 Mona Mansions, Kensington. " Dearest Mabel: — A few hurried lines to let you know that I am at Mona Mansions. I've taken this flat furnished until the end of the year. It is quite close to my church, which will be so convenient in the wet weather. Illness at my old rooms precipitated my departure, or I should not have moved until after your return from Scotland. However, I arrived here last night. I have succeeded in engaging a very worthy woman to act as our housekeeper, and now the only thing wanting to complete my happiness is your dear presence." And here I am. " Excuse this short letter, darling, as I've my sermon to prepare for Sunday. Your devoted husband, Johnnie. P. S. I've been to the Bank to-day to draw Aunt Be- 12 FACING THE MUSIC. linda's legacy. It will be a little nest-egg for us, won't it, dearest? " (Rises, and looks round room and goes towards head of table k.) Then Johnnie has been living here in this flat just two days, and now I'll arrange the room. Oh, how severely formal everything looks, (at head of table R.) (Miss Fotheringay knocks and rings off.) (takes up pamphlet) " The Evils of the Turf, by the Rev. John Smith." Oh, what a horror he has of racing — but I think it is awfully good fun. Then, you see, I haven't a bishop to consider, (merry laugh) (Enter Mrs. Ponting, carrying a small salver, with card on it.) Mrs. P. A lady, ma'am. Mabel. A lady? Mrs. P. Yes, ma'am, she wants to see Mr. Smith. I told her he was out but you was in; then she says, " Give my card to Mrs. Smith." Mabel, (reading card) "Miss Flora Fotheringay, Bijou Theatre." Shew her in, Mrs. Ponting, please. Mrs. P. Yes, ma'am. Mabel. Now, why does Miss Fotheringay of the Bijou Theatre want to see my Johnnie? (crosses h. c.) Mrs. P. This way, please, Miss. (Enter Miss Fotheringay.) Miss F. Thanks. (Exit Mrs. Ponting.) (comes down r. c.) Good morning. Excuse my calling at this early hour, but I am most anxious to see Mr. Smith. Unfortunately he is out, your servant says. So sorry. Mabel. Is there anything I can do, madam? Miss F. Well — er — your husband was exceedingly good to me last night. Mabel. He is always good, madam. Miss F. Quite so, but on this occasion he was a little more so than usual perhaps. Mabel. Won't you sit down? (motions her to sit) Miss F. Thanks. You must know I was lost in the fog last night. FACING THE MUSIC. 13 Mabel. Oh, wasn't it terrible? Miss F. It was indeed; when I left the Bijou, I jumped into a hansom and instructed the driver to drive to Charing Cross; but at the corner of Leicester Square, the man told me, much to my dismay, that in conse- quence of the thickness of the fog, it was quite impossi- ble to drive me any further. Mabel. The monster! Miss F. And, fearing that I should miss my train, I got out of the cab and proceeded to walk; but oh, what a hopeless task it was. The fog, which became denser every moment, was positively choking me, and I felt myself growing weaker and weaker, until at last, in an exhausted condition, I fell fainting into a gentleman's arms. Mabel. Yes, yes! Miss F. Well, he acted like a good Samaritan and insisted upon seeing me safely to the station, (rises and goes c.) We had not proceeded very far when two men rushed out of the fog, and we became the victims of a daring robbery. Mabel. Good gracious! Miss F. And almost before there was time to realize what had happened, they both made off in different di- rections, my protector following one, and I the other; for I noticed he held a pocket-book in his hand. I screamed loudly, " Help! Help! " and attempted to take it from him. Mabel. And did you succeed? Miss F. I did. Evidently fearing my cries would at- tract the police, the man released it and escaped. I then endeavoured to find the gentleman, but the thickness of the fog prevented my doing so, and I was left alone in the street with his pocket-book in my possession. After a time the fog lifted sufficiently to enable me to reach Charing Cross arid catch my train. Then it occurred to me that the contents of the pocket-book would afford some clue to its owner. I opened it, and found a card with his name and address upon it. Madam, that good Samaritan, that kind, and courteous gentleman, was your husband, Mr. Smith, (goes r.) Mabel. My husband? (rises) Miss F. Your husband, Mr. Smith, of Mona Mansions. So I resolved to call early this morning and restore his property, (hands pocket-book to Mabel.) Mabel, (startled) But — was my husband hurt? Miss F. Hurt — oh dear no! He repulsed the ruf- fians in a most determined manner, (goes down R.) Mabel. As a rule he is so meek and gentle and I— 14 FACING THE MUSIC. Miss F. There certainly wasn't anything of the meek and gentle order about him last night, (laughs) but — surely you've seen him this morning? Mabel. Well, no, I haven't. He slept in the country last night and — er — But what time did you meet him in Leicester Square? Miss F. About eleven o'clock. Mabel, (aside) Eleven o'clock. Miss F. (aside) I hope I haven't got Mr. Smith into trouble, (goes r.) Mabel. Then he must have started for the country very late — but I must thank you in his name for your kindness in bringing his pocket-book. Miss F. Not at all. I am exceedingly glad I have been able to return the service he rendered me, but take great care of the pocket-book. It contains a roll of bank- notes, (cross l.) Mabel. A roll of bank-notes, (aside) Ah, yes, Aunt Belinda's legacy, (crosses r., aloud) I hope the thieves didn't rob you of anything, Miss Fotheringay? Miss F. I am sorry to say they did — a diamond broach, the horrid creatures. Mabel. Ah, perhaps my husband has succeeded in re- covering it. Won't you wait and see him? I am ex- pecting him every moment. Miss F. (looking at her watch) Unfortunately, I am due at the theatre at half-past ten. (Mabel rings dell on table r.) But I will call again a little later if I may. (Mrs. Ponting opens door, and outer door.) Mabel. Do. Miss F. Thanks, (going up to door c.) Then for the present, au revoir. Mabel. Au revoir, Miss Fotheringay. (Exit Miss F. Exit Mrs. Ponting.) Mabel, (crosses l. looking at pocket-book) "Take great care of it! " Of course I will. Won't my Johnnie be thankful to get it back again. (Exit l.) (Enter Dick from door r. c.) Dick. Not here yet! Oh, I say, Smiff, do hurry up; FACING THE MUSIC. 15 I'm positively starving! (looks in hall, leaving room door open) Not a sign of him — where the dickens can he have got to? (goes to window) (Enter John Smith with latchkey at door of flat. He is in evening dress, with long light overcoat over it. Looks very pale and haggard. On hearing door slam, Dick turns at window and looks at him and comes behind door c. loatehing him. Smith goes to table,, looks at breakfast things, shudders and goes up to< door r. at back.) Smith. Dick! Dick! Dick, you lazy wretch!! (knocking at door up r.) Dick, (banging c. door of flat) Smiff! At last!' (crosses to seat l. of table r. and roars with laughter at Smith, singing " Oh! what a difference in the morn- ing.") Smith, (following him down r, c.) Stop that row,. Dick. Don't laugh, you idiot. Dick, (laughs again) You wreck! Smith. It's particularly damned funny, isn't it? Lend me half-a-crown. Dick. Lend you half-a-crown — certainly! (feels in pocket for coin) Haven't you got any money? Smith. Not a farthing! Dick. What, stony at this time of the morning? (hands coin) Smith, (goes to window, and opens it) Worse. I've not only lost my money, but I've lost my watch. Ive lost my chain, and, to cap it all, .I've lost my pocket- book containing over two hundred pounds. Dick. No! Smith. Yes. Here you are, cabby, (throios coin out of window — it is heard rattling on the pavement below) Butter-fingers! Cabby, (off stage) Look here, I say, Governor, it's; worth another bob, ain't it? Smith. It may be, but I'm not. Oh, Dick, lend me.' another shilling. . Dick. Another shilling, certainly, (gives coin) Smith. Thanks. He thinks. I want to buy the beast- ly horse and cab. Here you are, cabby, (throws coin out of window and shakes his fist at the Cabman) Cabby, (off stage) Thank yer, guv'nor, you are one of the right sort, you are. Smith. No, I'm not; I'm one of the wrong sort this morning. 16 FACING THE MUSIC. (Takes off hat and scarf and places them chair up l. c. Closes window. Goes to ottoman and takes off coat, placing it on ottoman.) Dick. And you look it. Smiff, you've been having a thick time of it. Smith. Thick is not the word — don't laugh! (sits on ottoman) Dick. Why didn't you come home last night — what kept you out? Smith. Fog. Dick. Where did you sleep? Smith. Club! Dick. And where did you lose your money? Smith. Leicester Square. Dick. Come, out with it, Smiff. What's amiss, (goes to Smith l.) Smith. What's amiss? It entirely depends who she is, what she is, and where you meet her. If it's in Lon- don, in a fog, and she's alone, leave her alone — because then a miss is decidedly dangerous. Hope you didn't wait breakfast. I had mine — last night. Dick. Why, of course I waited. Smith. Stupid of you — I can't eat. Dick. You are certainly locking a little off colour. Smith. Off. colour? I'm all over colour, every colour, of the rainbow from top to toe. (Bus.) Oh, the ruf- fians! (sits on couch) Dick. Smith, do you know your wife is here? Smith, (jumping up quickly) What! (recovering quickly, he laughs) You're joking — Dick, (laughs) Don't be so damned ridiculous. My wife's not due home for another week. Dick. She arrived late last night for all that! Smith. Ah, ah! Funny dog! (pushing him in the side) But I'm used to your little jokes! Ah! Ah! Nice fix I should be in if she were here, shouldn't I? Ah, ah! Dick. Well, if you don't believe me, ask Mrs. Pont- ing. Smith. Dick — do you mean it — are you really ser- ious? Dick. On my honour. Smith. Good heavens! Where is she? Dick. There! (points to room l.) (Smith goes to door l.) Stop, man, don't let her see you in evening dress at this time of day! FACING THE MUSIC. 17 Smith. By Jove — no! (draws dress coat over his shirt front to hide it) Dick. Change at once. Smith. I will, (going up) But how am I to account for my absence from home all night? (coming down c. again) (Dick laughs.) Oh, if I could only invent a good, strong, honest, straightforward lie! Dick. That's all right, you needn't worry. Mrs. Ponting fixed that up! Smith. Mrs. Ponting? How? Dick. She told your wife you were away in the coun- try on business and might not be home until this morn- ing. Smith. She did? Good old Ponting. Dick. Don't forget that! Smith. I won't. Dick, Dick, I'll never assist a lady in distress again — never, never! Dick, (laughs, at foot of table R.) Oh, Smiff, your old weakness! Smith. Nothing of the kind, sir. Our meeting was quite accidental Dick. Yes, I know! at least I used to. (laughs) And where did you assist the lady in distress? Smith. Leicester Square! Dick. Leicester Square! (laughs) Oh, Smiff, Smiff! Smith. It was an act of kindness on my part, and I'll never do another kind act as long as I live. Dick. How could you have been so green, man? (laughs) Smith. How was I to know when she fell fainting in my arms that I should be victimized in the way I was? Dick. Oh, she fell fainting in your arms, did she? (laughs) That's an old trick. Smith. And I thought it was a genuine case. Dick. Moral — never assist lonely ladies in Leicester Square. Smith. Never again, .Dick, never! And now to change and meet my wife, (going) Oh, what a fool of a fool I feel this morning! Dick. Yes, and what a fool of a fool he looks. (Exit Smith.) Poor old Smiff! I'm sorry for him! Well, thank good- 18 FACING THE MUSIC. ness, we are within measurable distance of breakfast at last, (sits l. of table and reads paper) (Enter Mrs. Ponting with large basket of flowers which she places on table l. These flowers should be pret- tily arranged in separate bunches, so that Mabel can place one in each vase later on.) Mrs. P. Aren't they lovely, sir? Dick. Beautiful, Mrs. Ponting. Ah, Mrs. Ponting, Mr. Smith has just returned. Mrs. P. Has he, sir? Then I'll tell missus at once, sir. (going to door l.) Dick. No, no. (going to her) We must give him time to change — you understand? Mrs. P. (knoioing smile) Oh yes, I understand, sir. I expect he looks a bit worn and tired like this morn- ing. Dick. He does, Mrs. Ponting. Mrs. P. But how's he going to explain to the missus, sir? Dick. Nothing simpler. He was called away into the country on business. Mrs. P. Oh, was he? (laughs) Dick. Your own words, Mrs. Ponting, your own words, you know. Mrs. P. Yes, I know, sir. Well, they may satisfy missus, but they wouldn't satisfy me, sir. However, it isn't my business, (going up c.) Dick. Remember, you don't know your master has arrived. Mrs. P. Very good, sir, I don't know nothing. (aside) Oh, these men, they're as artful as a cage of monkeys. (Exit c.) Dick, (sitting l. of table r. Taking up paper) " Par- liamentary News." No, thanks, not in my line. " Sport- ing Items " — ah, that is. By Jove, " Merry Mabel's " at 20 to 1, and Smiff says there's nothing in the race to touch her. I must get a fiver on after breakfast, (he turns, facing door l, holding paper up so that Mabel does not see his face) (Enter Mabel with photo.) Mabel, (aside) There he is. (places photo in basket of flowers on table l., then creeps across to Dick and puts arms round him x newspaper and all) Johnnie { FACING THE MUSIC. 19 (Bus. — Dick rises, she still holding him, the newspaper is between their faces; they both dodge on either side when Dick drops paper. Mabel screams.) I — oh — (draivs back confused) I beg your pardon — I — (confused) Good morning. Dick. Good morning, (bows, puts paper on corner of table) Mabel. For the moment — I — I thought you were my husband and I — I — (confused) I'm so sorry. Dick, (trying to put her at ease) I quite under- rtand, Mrs. Smith, and in his absence allow me to intro- duce myself. My name is Desmond, and I've been his guest for the last few days. Mabel. So good of you to come and keep him from being lonely, Mr. Desmond. Mrs. Ponting told me you were here, on mj^ arrival from Scotland last night, (at small table l. with floiuers, takes one bunch from bas- ket, and places it in vase on table) Dick, (aside) Scotland? I thought Smiff said his wife had been to Dover. My mistake, I suppose. Mabel. But you must be wanting your breakfast. So sorry to keep you waiting, (arranges flowers in vase on table l.) Dick. Don't mention it, Mrs. Smith. (aside) An awfully pretty woman — but I certainly understood Smith to say her hair was dark — another mistake of mine, evidently, besides, hair does change colour occa- sionally. Mabel. And how is my husband looking, Mr. Des- mond? (crosses to fireplace r. with basket of poivers and photo) Dick, Awfully well, Mrs, Smith, (crosses to l.) Mabel. I'm expecting him every moment. He slept in the country last night — but of course, you know. (goes to mantelpiece up r.) Dick. Yes, Mrs. Smith! Mabel. An important meeting, I presume. (puts photo on mantelpiece and arranges flowers in two vases) Dick. Yes; I believe there was a very important meeting, (l.) Mabel. The dear fellow; how hard he works! Dick. Very! He was awfully busy — last night. Mabel, Ah yes— he is always busy — always doing good. Dick, (aside) Very busy doing a little harm this time, I'm thinking. Mabel, But I fear he attends far too many meetings. Dick. Meetings? He rarely misses one. 20 FACING THE MUSIC. Mabel. And I'm afraid he works too hard. Dick. Perhaps you are right, Mrs. Smith; but he has an excellent constitution. Mabel. Oh yes, but papa always said you cannot draw a bill on the Bank of Health without meeting it. (crosses to sideboard l. with basket of flowers) Dick. Words of wisdom, Mrs. Smith, words of wis- dom, (cross e.) Mabel, (at sideboard l. at back, filling c. vase with flowers) But I haven't told you the news, Mr. Desmond. Dick. News, Mrs. Smith? Mabel. He was the hero of a most exciting adventure last night in Leicester Square. Dick, (aside) Leicester Square! Now, how the deuce does she know that? Mabel. But he shall tell you all about it himself. And now I'll see that Mrs. Ponting prepares breakfast. Surely he cannot be very long now. Oh, how anxious I am to see him. (goes to door c.) This is the first time we have been parted since our marriage, nearly six months ago. (Exit c. During her scene she has arranged floivers in vase.) Dick. Six months ago! What, in the name of all that's wonderful, is she talking about! Why, Smiff's been married over four years. (takes her photo off mantelpiece) Her photograph! (reads) "Mabel" on the back of it! And I'll swear Smiff said his wife's name was Nora! That settles it; this woman is not his wife. Then who the devil is she? (crosses to front of sofa l.) (Enter Smith, having changed, goes R. c.) Smith. Dick, where's Nora, eh? (ties bote hur- riedly) Dick. Nora! I knew it! Smith. Where's my wife, Dick? Dick. Where's your wife? Ah, ah! I don't know — I don't know! Smith. You don't know? Confound it, man, what's the matter with you? What's amiss? Dick, (imitating Smith in first scene) It entirely depends who she is, what she is, and where you meet her! Smith. Oh, rats! FACING THE MUSIC. 21 Dick. Smiff, what is the colour of your wife's hair? Smith. What are you talking about? Dark, of course. Dick. Dark, not golden — you are quite sure? Smith. Of course I am — at least it was dark when I last saw her. Dick. She's been away on a visit! Where did you say she went? Smith. Dover. Dick. Dover? Smith. Dover! Dover! Dover! Dick. Dover, not Scotland? Smith. Scotland be hanged! Of course not. But I'm not going to answer any more of your idiotic questions. I want to see my wife, (fioing — crosses l.) Dick. Ah, wait one moment. Is that her photograph? (holds it up) Smith. No, certainly not. (pushing him) Dick. Then Smiff, old fellow, I'm very, very sorry for you. Your WIFE is NOT your wife. I mean Mabel is not your wife. Smith. Dick, have you lost your head? Dick. I tell you, Smiff, Mabel is not your wife! Smith. Well, I know that. You've got Mabel on the brain! Dick. And you've got Mabel on the premises! Smith. I've got Mabel on the premises? Dick. Yes, man, yes, and she knows all about your adventure in Leicester Square last night. Smith. What! ! ! Dick, (tapping photo) Is that the lady you assisted in the fog? Smith. I don't know! I can't say! Dick. Surely you would be able to recognize her if you saw her again? Smith. That is exactly what I should fail to do. The whiskey — was thicker than the fog, and she wore a veil. All I could see was a lot of fluffy light hair, and after the robbery she disappeared. Dick. Yes, that's it, that's it! Smith. What do you mean by that's it! That's it! (imitating him) Dick. Oh, Smiff, Smiff, you're in for a lively time of it. (goes to r. of table r.) (Mabel opens door c carrying toast rack.) Mabel, (oft stage) Thank you, Mrs. Ponting, I'll take it in myself, don't you bother. 22 FACING THE MUSIC. Smith, (rushing to curtains at window) That's not my wife's voice! (Mabel enters, placing toast rack on table.) (aside) And, great heavens! that's not my wife! ! ! Mabel. My husband not returned yet, Mr. Desmond? Dick. No, Mrs. Smith, your husband has not re- turned. Mabel. And I'm growing so anxious. Smith, (aside) So am I, so am I! Mabel, (going to door l.) If he is not here soon, I shall think something has happened to 1 him. My John- nie! (Exit l.) Smith, (coming down l.) Dick, you're right, that is not Nora! Dick. It's Mabel. Smith. What is she doing here in my wife's bed- room? Dick. That I can't say, but she certainly is here, very much here; and, what's more, she calls you her Johnnie! Smith. Blackmail! Dick, it must be the woman I assisted in the fog last night. She's got my name and address from the pocket-book, and, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm the victim of some diabolical conspiracy. Oh! Dick. What are you going to do? Smith. Do! Why get her away immediately. (Col. Smith knocks and rings.) Dick, (going up to door e. c.) Then I'll leave -you to interview her. Smith. No, no! (pulling Dick towards door r. i. e.) Come into my study and we'll decide on the best course to adopt. (Rushes off R.) Dick, (following him) Oh, Smiff, you must have met the lady, somewhere. (Exit R.) (Mabel enters door down l. and Mrs. Ponting enters door c. together quickly — shutting room door.) FACING TKH MUSIC. 23 Mabel. Is that my husband, Mrs. Ponting? Mrs. P. No, ma'am, a gentleman asking for his nephew, Mr. Smith, (hands card) Mabel, (reads card) Colonel Duncan Smith! Mrs. P. Shall I show him in, ma'am? Mabel. Oh yes, Mrs. Ponting, at once. (Mrs. P. goes to door and opens it.) (aside) How vexing! Johnnie's uncle, (comes down l. in front of sofa) and he is not here to receive him! Mrs. P. Will you walk in, sir? (Colonel Smith enters.) Colonel. Thanks! (hands his hat and stick to Mrs. P., who places them on hat stand) (Exit Mrs. P. shutting door.) (coming down r.) Good morning, madam, (aside) By Jove! What a pretty woman! Mabel. Good morning, uncle. Colonel. Uncle! Then you must be Jack's wife. Mabel. Yes, uncle. Colonel. Then, my dear, come and give your uncle a kiss. (Bus.) So you're my niece Nora, eh? (sits r.) Mabel. Nora? No, uacle, Mabel, (sits sofa) Colonel. Mabel? I thought it was Nora. But I'm evidently wrong. You see, I've never had the pleasure of meeting you until now, but — er — er (aside) By George, Jack has excellent taste — lucky fellow! (aloud) And where is Master Jack? Mabel. He's out, uncle, but I'm expecting him every moment. You'll stay and see him, won't you? Colonel. I haven't much time to spare, my dear, I'm due at the War Office at eleven, and this afternoon I'm off home to Plymouth. Mabel. Plymouth! Then your home isn't in India now? Colonel. Left India many years ago, my dear, didn't Jack tell you? No, no, of course not; too much occupied to think of an old fogey like me. (vises, laughs) Mabel, my dear, give your uncle another kiss. (Bus.) (Smith enters door r. down stage and sees the embrac- ing Bus.) Smith. Uncle Duncan — and, good heavens, she's em- bracing him. 24 FACING THE MUSIC. (Exit door r. down stage.) Mabel. Can't I persuade you to stop and breakfast with us, uncle? Do! Colonel, (looks at watch) No, no, Mabel, thank you, but I won't say no to a whiskey and soda, my dear. Mabel, (confused) I don't think Johnnie keeps spir- its in this house, uncle. He's a teetotaler, you know, and Colonel. A teetotaler? (aside) Pshaw! He's an idiot! (going down r.) Mabel. But I'll see if Mrs. Ponting has a little in the kitchen, (goes up) Colonel. Don't trouble, my dear, don't trouble. Mabel. It's not the least little bit of trouble in the would, Uncle Duncan. (Exit c. to l.) Colonel, (laughs) Jack a teetotaler, eh! That's too rich! (crosses l.) (Smith enters door down R.) Jack, my boy, glad to see you, glad to see you! (Bus.) Smith. Ah! my dear uncle, how do you do? (looks round anxiously, advancing with outstretched hand, but 7nisses Colonel's hand, finally* finding it) How do you do? (They shake hands heartily.) Colonel. Just been having a talk with your wife. Smith. Didn't know you were in town, uncle. Colonel. Came up yesterday, a little business at the War Office. Off home again Smith. Well, good-bye. (shakes his hands again) Colonel. this afternoon, Jack. I say — (digs him in ribs) You're a very lucky fellow! (goes to couch l.) Smith. Think so? Colonel. Been having a talk with your wife. Smith. My wife! Colonel. Just seen Mabel! (sits on couch) Smith. Just seen Mabel! Colonel. But, do you know, I made a little mistake. Smith. Eh, mistake, sir? (sits l. of table) Colonel, (laughs) I called her Nora. (laughs) And her name's Mabel, (laughs) But didn't you say in your letters that it was Nora? FACING THE MUSIC. 25 Smith, (coughs) Never, uncle, never, never! Colonel. Anyhow, your wife's a remarkably pretty woman, yOu must bring her down to Plymouth, your aunt will be delighted. You've been married nearly four years, and you've never paid us a visit. Smith. Well, you see the weather's been so bad — ■ no, I don't mean that — you've been away in the South of France most of the time, you know. Colonel. Quite true! However, we've settled in Ply- mouth now. You must bring Mabel down and stop for a few weeks. Smith. Bring Mabel down? Colonel. Yes, your wife. Smith. My wife! Colonel. Yes, your wife. Why— (Smith groans.) what's the matter? You don't appear well! Smith. No, I don't feel well. Colonel. I'm not surprised; your punishment for being a teetotaler. Smith, (rises — aside, smothering a laugh) I wish to Heaven I'd been one last night! Colonel, (looks at watch and then clock) I say, Jack, that clock's wrong, surely? Smith. What's the matter with it? Colonel. It's half an hour fast. (Bus. with watch) Smith. No, sir, it's the exact time. Colonel, (rising) What! Then I shall miss my ap- pointment at the War Office! Smith. You mustn't do that! (Rushes to door, ovens it, gets Col.'s stick and hat, hands them to him, and then rushes and opens outer door.) Colonel, (going) Egad, it'll be awkward if I do! (takes hat and stick) Never missed an appointment in my life, and now I'm going to start by keeping the Commander-in-Chief waiting. I must have a hansom. (going up) Smith. There's a cab rank at the door. Colonel. Good-bye, Jack. I'll look in again if I've time. Explain to Mabel. She's gone to try and find me a whiskey and soda. Good-bye. (Exit c.) 26 FACING THE MUSIC. Smith. Good-bye. Remember me to auntie, won't you? (closing outer door of flat) Explain to Mabel! It's Mabel who's got to explain to me. Ah, here she comes!i (Quick exit door down R.) (Mabel enters c. from l. carrying whiskey and syphon of soda on salver, leaving door open.) Mabel. I've succeeded, uncle — not here? (placing salver on sideboard and looking through window) Col. (off) Hansom! Hansom! Mabel, (looking out of windoio) W.hy, there he is getting into a cab, and oh, how cross he appears! What have I done? So strange of him to run away like that! I don't understand! (laughs, going) Uncle Duncan's conduct is most mysterious! (Exit door l.) (Nora opens the door of flat with her latchkey, and enters, carrying a small bag and two or three Illus- trated papers. She closes door of room.) Nora. Here I am home once more. A week sooner than my husband expects me. How surprised he'll be— and how delighted. I didn't send him a telegram to say I was coming. I thought it would be such fun to descend upon him, and here I am. My luggage will follow. (looking at breakfast table) Breakfast not over yet? Oh, Jack, you lazy boy! It's laid for three! Then he has visitors! I hope they're nice. How sweet the room looks, and how prettily the flowers are ar- ranged! Mrs. Ponting, the new housekeeper, is evi- dently a woman with taste. Now to find dear old Jack! (running to door l. i. e.) Cabby, (heard off) Whoa! Nora. Good gracious! I've forgotten to pay the cab- man. I'll do that first, (goes to door c.) And then for my Jack, (kissing her hand to door l.) (She goes out c. closing door.) (Smith enters, followed by Dick, laughing loudly, door down r.) Smith. If you don't stop that idiotic laughing, I'll punch your silly head. I've told you everything, exactly FACING THE MUSIC. 27 as it happened, and you do nothing but grin — you haven't an ounce of sympathy in your composition. Dick. Have you looked in your overcoat pocket? Smith, (crossing to couch and picking up overcoat) I've looked in every blessed pocket I've ever had. (searches pocket) I tell you the thing's been stolen. Dick. But, confound it, Smith — £200 — haven't you done anything in the matter? Smith. Of course I have. I reported the robbery at Vine Street last night, and they promised to send a detective here first thing this morning. Oh, Dick, you don't know how thankful I am that my wife's in Dover! Dick. Never mind your wife! It's Mabel that re- quires all your attention just now. Smith, (r. c.) And she shall have it! I'll see her and demand a full explanation. Dick. It must be the lady you met in the fog! Smith. Nonsense, man, do you for a moment imagine she'd risk coming here after last night's affair? Dick- Then who is she? What is. she? And what's she doing in your flat? Smith. That's what I've got to find out. (Mabel is heard singing in room l.) Dick. She's coming! (going up to door b. c.) Smith, (trying to prevent him) Don't go, Dick, don't go — you'd better stop! Dick. No, thanks, (going) Hope you'll get a satis- factory explanation! What'll you do if you don't? Smith, (hanging on to Dick's arm) What shall I do? Why, run her in, of course. Dick. No, no, Smiff, you mustn't do that! Poor little lady, nice little lady! Smith. But I say, Dick (Bus. — and exit up r. Dick.) (Mabel enters door l.) Mabel. Another stranger! (Smith coughs as if to clear his throat, goes R. of table and coughs again.) (exclamation of alarm) How peculiar he seems! Smith. Madam, I — er — excuse me, but what are you doing in this flat? (MUSIC. Piano until cue.) 28 FACING THE MUSIC. Mabel. Sir! I don't understand you! 1 (going l. c.) Smith. No, but you will in a moment, madam. (crossing r. c.) My name is Smith! Smith! Smith! Mabel. What? Smith. Yes, ma'am, Smith! Mabel. And do you know who I am, sir? Smith. No, ma'am, I do not. Mabel. I am Mrs. Smith. (Dick shows at door up r. Smith gives an insane laugh.) And if you do not leave this flat at once, I'll send my servant for the police! Oh! (Exit door l., locking it after her.) Smith, (rushing after her to door) You'll send your servant for the police! You'll — (bangs on the locked door) (Dick has entered in time to hear Mabel threaten Smith with the police.) Dick. Why, Smiff, she's going to run you in. (roars with laughter, sits l. of table r.) Smith. Don't laugh, don't laugh! (getting savage with Dick) Quick, man, quick, help me to get her away at once, (going l.) Nora, (off) Jack! Smith. My wife! The devil. Nora, (entering) Jack! (rushes down and em,' braces Jack) Smith. Nora! (They embrace c) (MUSIC forte to bring Curtain down.) (Dick rises and stands at corner of table b.) CURTAIN. PICTURE. Dick. Nora. John Smith. FACING THE MUSIC. 29 ACT II. Scene. — Same as Act I. Ten minutes later on the same morning. Mabel's hat on chair l. of centre door, boa on armchair down r., and umbrella on chair r. of door c. Centre door shut, so that entrance half of the flat is not seen. On table coffee-pot, milk jug, etc. Dish with cutlets. (Dick Desmond discovered, seated at head of breakfast table, eating heartily — facing the audience.) Dick. Smiff's going to be busy this morning! (laughs) There's a blizzard blowing up! Poor Smiff! The lady's still on the premises, (laughs) (Smith enters excitedly, door c. and walks about stage not observing Dick at the breakfast table.) Smith. What the deuce am I to do? How am I to get rid of her? Oh, why can't I think of something! I'll tell my wife! (sits) Yes, I will — I'll — no, I won't — (rises) — she wouldn't believe me, oh! (goes down l. c.) Dick, (still eating at the breakfast table) Don't sprint about like that Smiff, sit down and have some cutlets! Have some coffee! Smith. How dare you eat when I'm in such trouble? (drags him away from the breakfast table and flings him on couch) Dick, (holding fork with small piece of meat on it) What art you doing — man? Smith. That's not the question! It's what have I done? I've done nothing, that's the beauty of it! (sits on couch facing Dick) Now. (smacking Dick's knees) What am I going to do? I repeat, sir. (repeats smack- ing) What am I going to do? Just think of my predica- ment. That woman — (going to door l.) Dick. Mabel? Smith. Yes, Mabel — (Dick rises and goes quickly to breakfast table and eats.) She's still here — and my wife has arrived. Dick. You're certainly in a bit of a hole, Smiff. (laughs) Smith. Don't laugh sir; and if you don't come away from that breakfast table, I'll strangle you. (dragging him away again, Dick with piece of toast in hand) Can't you realize my position — 30 FACING THE MUSIC. (Dick tries to eat, Smith pulls Ms hand down.) can't you think of some way to help me out of it? (Dick tries to eat, Smith pulls his hand down, takes piece of toast off fork and throws it away.) No, of course you can't! And I'm a fool to waste my time talking to you. I'll take her bodily and deposit her in the street, (goes to door l., Dick going r.) No, she's bigger than I am, besides, she'd scream. But there's one consolation, I've got my pocket-book! (pro- ducing it, standing l. c.) Dick. You have! How did you manage it? Smith. Found it on the dressing table in her room. (points to room l.) I mean my wife's room. Dick. Notes all safe? (goes on eating at table r.) Smith. Yes, thank goodness. Dick. Then she must be the lady you met in the fog last night. Smith. Looks like it. Fancy her having the audacity to come to my flat. Dick. They like flats, Smiff! But where is the fog- lette? Smith. There! (points to room l.) Dick. And your wife? Smith. There! (points to room off c. to R.) And perhaps you'll be good enough to tell me how I'm going to keep them from meeting! But there, you're not capable of helping me, your head's full of cutlets and coffee! You haven't sense enough to understand the horrible fix I'm in! Dick. Anyhow, I've sense enough to understand there'll be ructions if the foglette meets your wife. Smith. But they mustn't meet, man, they mustn't meet! (Nora enters c. with telegram form in hand; she is dressed for walking. Goes down c.) But she mustn't! Quick! (sees Nora c.) Darling! (sits on ottoman, looking at door of room l.) Nora. I'm going to the Post Office, Jack, to send a telegram to mother, announcing my safe arrival home. (Bus. counts words on telegram form) (Desmond rises on Nora's entrance and comes down R.) Smith, (aside) How lucky! (rises) Nora. I won't be long. Smith. So sorry. Nora. Sorry, dear? Smith, {confused) Yes, my pet — sorry that I'm too FACING THE MUSIC. 31 busy to accompany you. But don't hurry! (bustling her up stage) Nora. Why, Jack, I believe you are anxious to get rid of me! Smith. My darling! What a cruel thing to say. Nora. Well, I'll just go to my room, and — (goes to- wards door l. in front of couch) Smith, (gets in front of door, hurriedly. With an exclamation, bars the way) Ah! ! ! You mustn't go in there, dear! Nora. Why not, dear? Smith. Because you mustn't! Nora. An excellent reason why I should. But why mustn't I go in there, Jack? Smith. Why? You might see something you ought not to see. Nora. Then I insist upon entering at once! (going towards door l.) Smith, (stopping her) Don't you understand, my dear? Nora. No, Jack, I don't! Why are you so anxious to keep me out of my own room? Smith. Why am I so anxious to keep you out of your own room, darling? (feeble laugh) I'm not, dear — it was Dick. Dick. Eh? Nora, (with delight) Ah! I know what it is! Smith. You do? (alarmed) Nora. Yes, you've a little surprise in store for me there! That's it, isn't it, Mr. Desmond? Dick. Not exactly, Mrs. Smith; I think I follow Jack's meaning. (coming down R. c.) During your visit to Scotland — (Bus. — Smith gesticulating.) Smith. Dover. Dick. I should say Dover. i (Nora looks enquiringly from one to the other.) Smith. Dover, oh, Dover — I heard him say Dover. Dick. I have been using that room. Smith. That's right — you see, Dick being my best friend, he's been using the best room — to keep it aired, darling, don't you see, keep it aired. Nora. But where did you sleep last night, Jack? Smith. Nowhere. 32 FACING THE MUSIC. (Dick laughs aside.) No, no — I had a shake-down in the spare bath-room — I mean bed room, dear, (points to room off c. to r.) But run along, darling, run along and send your tele- gram — run along! (sits on couch, glaring at door l.) Nora. Yes, Jack. I won't be gone long, (sees, and takes up Mabel's umbrella on chair r. of flat door, com- ing down c. of stage) Jack, here's a lady's umbrella, and it's not mine! Dick, (aside) The foglette's. Smith, (rises and goes c. to her) Eh? Not yours, Nora? You're mistaken, darling. Nora. I'm quite sure it's not mine, dear. Smith. Oh, yes, it is— it wasn't— but it is for the present. Nora. For the present? Smith. I mean — a little present for you, dear. Nora. Oh, you dear, thoughtful old boy! (kissing him) Thank you so much! Smith. So glad you're pleased, (sits on couch again, glaring at door l.) Nora. How sweet of you! (going up) Now I'll be off! (sees Mabel's hat on chair l. of c. door) Jack! What's this? (coming down c. of stage) Smith, (rises and goes to her c.) That, Nora? Don't you know! Can't you guess? Oh, that's another present for you — hope you like it! Nora. Like it? You dear! It's just too lovely. (going towards head of table l.) But why did you take it out of the box? Smith. Why did I take it out of the box? Oh! I— I — it was Dick. Why did you take it out of the box, Dick? Dick. So that it should catch your eye! Smith. That's right! That's right! (Nora goes to glass above fireplace, takes off her own hat and places it on chair above fireplace.) Don't put it on, darling — I wouldn't put it on. Nora. I must, Jack! I can't resist it! Why, there are lovely pins in it! Smith. Oh, yes, darling, pins, of course. I never forget anything when I start. (Dick goes to l. of table. Whilst Nora is admiring the hat in glass, Dick sees Mabel's large feather boa in FACING THE MUSIC. 33 armchair below door r. i. e. and gives it to Smith, who hides it behind him and then stuffs it under his coat, between the shoulders, leaving a long tail hang- ing down. He gives a sigh of relief and a smile of satisfaction, thinking he has successfully hidden it. Dick laughs.) Nora, (going c.) It suits me beautifully, doesn't it, Mr. Desmond? Dick. Admirably, Mrs. Smith. Nora. What a dear, kind, thoughful and considerate husband I have. Dick. A model husband, Mrs. Smith. (seeing the end of boa hanging behind Smith, signals to Smith. Bus.) (Smith smiles contentedly, thinking it cannot be seen.) Nora. There, Jack, Mr. Desmond calls you a model husband, and so you are. (seeing the boa dangling) Why, Jack, what's that? Smith. What's what, my darling? (He turns, and Nora, who has the end of the boa in her hand, draws it out.) Oh, that's another little surprise for you, dear. Nora. Then why were you trying to hide it? Smith. I wasn't, dear. It was Dick. He said 1 wasn't to spring too many surprises on you all at once, darling. Nora, (putting it on) Oh, there! and now I'll be off to the Post Office, (sees herself in glass) Oh! Au revoir, Mr. Desmond! (Smith hurries up stage and opens door for Nora. Bright exit c, leaving door of room open.) Smith. Good-bye, sweetheart, good-bye, good-bye! (with a groan sinks in chair up r. c.) (Dick roars with laughter.) Smith. Shut up, do! Dick. Smiff, if the foglette meets your wife in her things, there'll be trouble. Smith. Good Heavers! I never thought of that, but I got out of it beautifully, didn't I? (coming r.) Some fellows would have been completely bowled over, 34 FACING THE MUSIC. wouldn't they? But come, before my wife returns this fainting female must be removed, (crosses l.) I shall never have another moment's peace until she's gone — never, never! Dick. I say, Smiff, your wife has a deuce of a tem- per. Smith. She has, but that little ebullition just now was a very poor sample of it. Dick. Well, I wouldn't give a pin for a woman with- out a temper, a dispassionate woman's like a calm sea, gets monotonous after a time. Nothing like a little ex- hilarating breeze now and then, (laughs) Smth. Oh! you think so, do you? You'll alter your opinion when you are married. Dick. Quite contented as I am, thanks. Marriages, they say, are made in Heaven. I mean to wait until I get there, (goes r.) (Duffell knocks and rings.) Smith. Never mind what you mean to do; tell me what I am to do with this — this — fogelette, as you call her? (Enter Mrs. Ponting by passage l. and opens the flat door. Duffell is seen. He is fashionably dressed, and looks like a country squire, and in no way indi- cates by his dress that he is a detective.) Who's this? (Smith strikes attitude l. over ottoman — foot on couch. Dick same Bus. over table, with foot on chair.) Duff. Mr. Smith at home? Mrs. P. Yes, sir. What name, sir? Duff. Thanks. (He walks past her into the room and is somewhat surprised at the manner of Smith and Dick — looks first at one and then at the other.) Mrs. P. Well, that's cool! (Shuts street door and makes her exit.) Duff, (addressing Dick) Mr. Smith, I pfesume? Dick. No. that is Mr. Smith. Smith. Yes, that's my name! Duff. Your pardon, (to Dick — then to Smith) Mine's Duffell. facing the music. 35 '{lie looks round the room without moving, much to the surprise of Dick and Smith, and then deliberately shuts the centre door of room. He then goes to win- dow and waves his handkerchief three times very de- liberately. Smith goes r. c. watching him.) Dick. Who is this man? Smith. I don't know. Here! I say, what are you doing? What do you mean by — {does handkerchief Bus.) Dick. Yes, what do you mean by — (also does hand- kerchief Bus.) Duff. That, sir — Oh! I'm signalling to my man! I'm from Vine Street! (coming down c.) Smith. Oh! (aside to Dick) This is the inspector, Dick. I reported the robbery by letter last night! Soon get her off the premises now. (very pleased) Take a seat, Mr. Duffell! (crosses behind — very busy. Aren't you, Dick? (Bus.) FACING THE MUSIC. 47 Nora. Then we'll leave you in charge of the flat— (laughingly) But don't flirt with Mrs. Ponting. (Exit c.) Dick. Eh? (laughs) Smith. Flirt with Mrs. Ponting! What's she talking about? Now then, Dick, ''biff" her out! Biff her out!, (Exit — shuts door c.) Dick, (exploding with laughter) Flirt with Mrs. Ponting — well I like that! (Exit roaring with laughter room down r.) (Mabel enters from behind curtains.) Mabel, (taking the stage) So I'm to be sent to Mud- boro' to-morrow. Jawson will take me! Oh! So I'm Merry Mabel, am I? (laugh) A flyer! But I want a lot of humouring! (laughs) Mr. Duffell was right! There is a conspiracy going on here. (Colonel Smith knocks and rings.) Who's this? Ah! perhaps it's Jawson! Anyhow, I mustn't be seen like this. (Exit door down l. quickly.) (Mrs. Ponting opens door c. The Colonel enters, places hat and stick in hall.) Colonel. Thank you. Is my nephew in? Mrs. P. No, sir, he's gone out, but I don't think he will be long. Colonel. Then I will wait, (going toivards head of table r.) Mrs. P. Very well, sir. Colonel, (taking off gloves) Can you give me a whiskey and soda? Mrs P. Certainly, sir. (goes to sideboard l., gets tray and places it on table r. ) Here it is, sir. Colonel. Thanks, (helping himself) By the way, I want to write a couple of important letters. Where can I do so? Mrs. P. (pointing to door r.) That is master's study, you'll find everything you want there, / 48 FACING THE MUSIC. (Rev. Smith knocks and rings.) Confound that knocker! It's going all day. (goes to street door) Colonel. By Jove! considering Master Jack's a tee- totaler, this is a remarkably good drop of whiskey! (goes to fireplace) (Mrs. Ponting opens door — the Rev. Smith passes her and goes down l. c. Mrs. P. follows down c.) Rev. S. I've just called to enquire if Mr. Smith was very angry when you gave him the letter? Mrs. P. Lor, sir, I've forgotten all about it! (taking it out of her pocket) Rev. S. You've forgotten all about it! Mrs. P. You see, sir, you see, I put it in my pocket, and it slipped out of my head. Rev. S. Your thoughts are still running on that milk- man, I fear, (taking the letter) I'll deliver it to him myself. Mrs. P. He is out, sir, but I don't think he'll be long. Rev. S. May I wait for him? Mrs. P. Certainly, sir. (Exit c.) Rev. S. I'm most perplexed, (seeing Col.) Oh, I beg your pardon. Colonel. Good morning! So you want to see my nephew — a friend of yours, I suppose. (going c. to him) Rev. S. We are neighbours, nothing more. I am the curate of Saint Andrew's. (drops paper as he goes down l.) Colonel, (pointing to paper Rev. S. has dropped) That yours, sir? Rev. S. Oh, thanks! (picking it up) It is my sub- scription list in aid of the Spinsters' Home at Batter- sea — but I regret to say it is quite empty. Colonel. The Home? Rev. S. No, the Home is quite full; it is my list that is empty. , Colonel. We'll soon remedy that; I'll start it with a sovereign, (gives coin) Rev. S. You will! How generous! It is really most kind of you. FACING THE MUSIC. 49 Colonel. It's a very worthy object, and they deserve a home for remaining single, (has written his name on list during this with pencil attached to his chain) Rev. S. Oh, thanks! Colonel, (returning list) There! If you work Mas- ter Jack right, you might get a pony out of him. (goes to table r.) Rev. S. A pony! Oh, fancy! But I haven't got a stable. Colonel, (laughing — aside) Greenhorn! (helps himself to another drink) Can I offer you anything? Rev. S. No, thank you. I never drink. Colonel. A paragon of all the virtues, eh? Do you never feel thirsty? Rev. S. Oh, yes; but I can always quench it with a little sherbet and water. Colonel, (aside) Sherbet and water! Oh, this man gets on my nerves, (aloud) Excuse me, I've a couple of most important letters to write. You don't mind my leaving you? (going to door r. i. e.) Rev. S. Not in the least! Colonel. Sherbet and water! Ah! Ah! Ah! (Exit r. i. e.) Rev. S. He seems a very genial old gentleman — what a pity it is he drinks! (taking off his gloves) I'm in sore tribulation. Mabel, my wife, is lost. A telegram from Scotland has brought me the melancholy tidings. She left there yesterday. (Mabel enters, still in servant's dress, door down l.) Mabel. My Johnnie, my darling! At last — at last! (with a cry of joy she rushes to him and takes the little man in her arms) Oh, Johnnie! (They sink on couch.) Rev. S. (R.) Mabel! My lost lamb! (Mabel still holding her husband in her arms, rocks to and fro, and as he tries to speak, she presses his face against her dress — seated on couch.) (Dick enters at r. i. e.) Dick, (entering) What's she up to now, and what's 50 FACING THE MUSIC. she got in her arms? A man— a parson! It's Saintly Sam! Where's Duff ell? (Quick exit c.) Mabel. Oh, my poor darling, did they hurt you much? Rev. S. (speaking under difficulties) Mabel, I Mabel, (smothering his face again) But you're safe in your Mabel's arms once more. Rev. S. I'm in a state of mystification! Why are you here in that dress? Mabel. Oh, I'd forgotten, (merry laugh) Ah, never mind the dress — your Mabel's in it. Rev. S. (aside) Am I quite awake? Mabel. My brave, heroic, handsome Johnnie! (re- peating the embracing Bus.) Rev. S. Mabel, I hunger Mabel, (embracing him again) My poor darling, of course you're hungry! (going) I'll fetch you some- thing, (going to door c.) Rev. S. No, no — you don't understand, (following her up) Mabel. Ah, take these notes (Rev. S. holds out hand.) (taking notes out) They're yours — they're safe. I'll explain everything in a moment, (embracing again) My darling! (Quick exit c. leaving door open.) Rev. S. (crosses to l. holding notes in his hands and looking frightfully amazed) Whatever does it mean? Am I dreaming? Why is my Mabel here in a servant's dress? (Enter Smith quickly c, goes down b. of table and shakes newspapers.) Smith. How stupid of me! Fancy forgetting the notes! Luckily the cab hadn't gone far. I left them on this table, (looks under) Why, good heavens, they're gone! Eh? Who's this? Rev. S. (l. c. still standing ivith notes in his hand) I beg your pardon, sir, but are you Mr. Smith? Smith, (still looking for the notes at table r.) Yes. Who the devil are you? FACING THE MUSIC. 51 Rev. S. Then I wish to offer you an abject apology. Smith, (aside, seeing notes) Why, there they are! (seeing them in the Parson's hand) Those notes are mine! Rev. S. No, sir, they belong to Mabel, (places notes in breast pocket) Smith, (aside) Ah, it's Saintly Sam! Duff ell was right! They will all turn up! (aloud) Give me those notes, sir. (going to him, chases him round couch and over to table) Rev. S. (rushing across r. of table r.) Certainly not, and if you are violent, I shall call Mabel. Smith, (taking off coat and placing it in chair head of table) Oh! you'll call Mabel, will you? You scoun- drel! (going to him) Do you know where you'll sleep to-night? Do you know where Mabel will sleep to-night? Rev. S. In bed, I trust. Smith. But it'll be a very hard one. They can't go in for luxuries at the cell you'll occupy. Rev. S. Cell, sir! Do you take me for a monk? Smith. A monk — for monkey! Oh, you (going to him) beauty! (inane laugh) Come, give me those notes! (going to him — ) (Rushes after Rev. S., who comes down in front of table, crosses to couch for hat and hurries up c.) and off.) Rev. S. No, sir. (evading Smith) Smith. Give me those notes, I say! (going to him) (Duffell enters quickly c. and gets betioeen them, hold- ing Smith.) Duff. No violence, sir. (Rev. S. quick exit.) Smith. Duffell, you idiot. That's Saintly Sam! He has my notes in his pocket — you've let him go! (sits in chair l. of table r.) Duff. Saintly Sam! It's all right, sir, he can't es- cape! I've my men planted below. Smith, (sinks in chair) Oh, of all the thick-headed fools that ever breathed, that man's the worst. (Enter Colonel Smith from door r. i. e.) Duff, (aside) Here's another of 'em! 52 FACING THE MUSIC. (Exit c.) Col. Ah, Jack! What's the matter, Jack? Smith. Nothing, nothing! Colonel. I say, Jack, I've missed my appointment with the Commander-in-Chief, so I must stop in town to-night. Can you put me up? Smith. Oh! Come and live with us. Col. Eh? Smith. I mean, Nora'll be delighted. Col. Nora! You mean Mabel? Smith. Yes, Mabel — Nora — Ponting — they'll all be glad. Col. By the way, did you see that parson? Smith. He's no parson — he's a fraud! Colonel. A fraud! Smith. Yes, he's called Saintly Sam, and he's head of one of the most notorious gangs of swindlers in Eng- land. Colonel. What! And I gave him a sovereign for the Spinsters' Home! Smith. You did! (hearty laugh) Good-bye, sov- ereign! Colonel. Well, I'm done! (Nora enters c.) Nora. Jack, Jack, I'm tired of waiting in the cab! (Smith horrified, rises l. c.) Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't know you were engaged. (goes to ivindow) Colonel, (aside) Another pretty woman! (aloud) Jack! Introduce me! Smith, (aside) No, no! This is my wife's dress- maker! (Nora comes down l.) Colonel, (aside) Oh! (goes to overmantel, arrang- ing tie) Smith, (going to his wife l.) Won't be a moment, darling! Nora. Who's this? Smith, (aside) The gas-meter, dear — No, no, the gas man. He's come to take the meter, (crosses r., aloud to Col. — taking his arm and walking him off stage — Col. protesting) Come along, come along, come along! FACING THE MUSIC. 53 (Exeunt Smith and Colonel door down r.) (Enter Duffell.) Nora, (sitting on ottoman) What is the matter with Jack this morning? (fanning herself with handker- chief) I'm getting quite alarmed. Duff. Ah! (expression of satisfaction at seeing Nora, whom he takes to be the "Duchess" — aside, Bus.) Parma violets, eh? (l. c.) Nora, (screams and rises) Are you looking for Mr. Smith? Duff. No, ma'am, I'm looking for you. Nora. Your business, pray be quick — I'm just going shopping. Duff. Shopping! Shop-lifting, you mean. Now, come along, Matilda! (Music — (pp) in Orchestra.) Nora. Matilda! Sir! Do you know who I am? Duff. Do I know who you are! Certainly! Matilda Scraggs, the Duchess. Nora. What! (most indignant) Duff. Now, come along, Matilda; no playing about the bush with me — you know, (smiles, he is about to approach her, takes her hand. Slight struggle) Nora. Stand back! How dare you! Jack! Jack! (she calls loudly — almost screaming) (Enter Smith door r. down stage, in state of alarm and wonder — goes to Nora l. Duffell goes r. c.) Smith. Good heavens! What's the matter? (looks first at Duffell, then at his wife) (Colonel Smith enters door r. down stage. Mabel en- ters c, gets gradually down r.) Duff, (beaming ivith self-satisfaction) It's all right, sir; Tve got her. (r. c.) Mabel, (pleased) Ah! Smith. You've got her? (l. c.) Duff. Yes, sir! The Duchess of Piccadilly! Smith. Where is she? Duff. There! (points to Nora) Nora. Oh! Smith. You blithering idiot! That is my wife! Duff. Your wife? 54 FACING THE MUSIC. Colonel. No, this is your wife! (points to Mabel, who is still in servant's costume) Mabel. What? Nora. That is my servant, Mrs. Ponting! Mabel, (crossing to Nora) No, Matilda Scraggs, I'm not your servant, (crosses to c.) Nora. Then who are you? Mabel. I am Mrs. John Smith! I I (Music forte.) (Mabel stands erect c. Nora with a scream falls faint- ing o?ito ottoman. Colonel Smith stands amazed. Smith with hands to head, dazed.) John Smith. Duffell Mabel Nora. Col. S. QUICK CURTAIN. For picture, John Smith is leaning over Nora, slapping her hand. FACING THE MUSIC. 55 ACT III. Scene. — The same. Ten minutes later on the same morn- ing. (Duffell enters door of flat quickly when the curtain rises. ) Duff, (goes to fireplace r.) And to think that I al- lowed myself to be taken in by him. (picks up photo on mantelpiece) Mr. Smith indeed! His conduct when I arrived ought to have put me on my guard. Mr. Smith indeed! Well, it isn't often I make a mistake. He's one of the gang! And so is that other party, Desmond. Anyhow, I'll soon have them a 1 under lock and key at Vine Street, (puts photograph on table r.) (Mabel enters door l. sobbing and in a very excited state.) Mabel. Ah, Mr. Duffell Duff. My dear madam, don't distress yourself like this; I'll see they don't harm you. Mabel, (sobbing) But my husband! Think of my husband! What have they done to him? What have they done to him? Duff. (r. c.) It's pretty certain they've got him hid- ing somewhere. Mabel. Heaven knows what he may be suffering! Duff. Leave everything in my hands; I'll find him! (crosses to window l.) (Mabel goes r. c.) (looking out of window, whistles) Oh, oh! Mabel, (exclamation of surprise at Duffell's long low significant whistle with his mouth) Oh, Mr. Duf- fell, what is it? (Going up to Duffell.) Duff. Don't be frightened, ma'am, (still looking out of window) Now, what's that furniture van doing here? Mabel. Furniture van! (looks over his shoulder out of window) Duff. Yes; they tried that game on in Paris a little EC FACING THE MUSIC. time ago; but they don't come it over Duff ell. Well, upon my word — but I've upset their little programme; I tumble to their little game now. (crosses r. c.) Mabel. You do? (l. c.) Duff. I do, ma'am. They've got your husband out of the way, and their next move was to get you out of the way; then, with the exception of your house- keeper, they'd have had the place to themselves, and in less time than you could say " knife " everything here would have been in that van, and off they'd have gone with a nice little haul! Mabel. Oh, Mr. Duff ell! Duff, (going up to door c.) I must investigate that van; it'll come in useful to take them all to Vine Street. Mabel. Oh! I'm afraid to be left here alone! (going to Duffell) Duff. Lock yourself in your room, ma'am; and if they attempt to force the door, open the window and call for help. I shall be on the alert, (opening door of flat) Mabel, (going to door l.) Oh, Mr. Duffell, what should I have done to-day without you? I am so help- less; you are so clever. (Exit door l.) Duff. Nice little woman! I like her! She said I was clever! Well, so I am — very clever. But to hear it from the lips of youth and beauty is soothing — very soothing. (Exit door c.) (Mrs. Poxting enters door r.) Mrs. P. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What is the matter with Mr. Smith this morning? (points to door l.) Then there's Mrs. Smith! What's a-worrying her, poor dear, and why did she borrow my things? But, lor, didn't she look nice in them? Ah! it all comes of the master stopping out last night! (lifting up her hands) I know it does! (l. c.) (Enter Nora c. She goes down r. c.) Nora, (entering) Where's Matilda Scraggs! Mrs. P. (surprised) Matilda Scraggs, ma'am? I don't know no Matilda Scraggs, ma'am. FACING THE MUSIC. 57 Nora. You do! You must! You let her in last night! Mrs. P. Me, ma'am? The only lady I let in, ma'am, was Mrs. Smith. Nora. Mrs. Smith indeed! That is Matilda Scraggs! (crosses l.) Mrs. P. Well, ma'am, I didn't know her maiden name. How was I to know master had married a Miss Scraggs, m'm? Nora. How am I to explain to a servant? Oh, I can't! You may go! (sits l. of table r.) Mrs. P. Yes, ma'am' Nora. Stop! Mrs. P. (going, aside) What's she doing here? Nora. You are not deceiving me? Mrs. P. (injured tone) Deceiving you, ma'am? Nora. You are my housekeeper, Mrs. Ponting? Mrs. P. No, ma'am, that I'm not! Nora. Ah ! Mrs. P. I'm certainly Mrs. Ponting, ma'am, but, beg- ging your pardon, you're not my mistress! (Miss Fotheringay knocks and rings.) Nora. Oh! I am your mistress, Mrs. Ponting. Mrs. P. Well, ma'am, seeing as how my mistress is in there — (points to room l.) I Nora. Do you doubt my word? (rises) Mrs. P. Oh no, ma'am, and I don't doubt her word neither; but master ain't a Mormon — (goes to door c.) he can't have two wives. (opens door c, leaving it oven) Nora, (crosses l. c. to ottoman) Even the servant doesn't believe I'm Mrs. Smith. Oh, I'm so glad I came home! (Mrs. P. opens entrance door of flat.) (Enter Miss Fotheringay.) Miss F. Mr. Smith at home? Mrs. P. Yes, miss! But oh! he's very busy this morning. I'll tell him you're here, miss. Miss F. Thanks! (comes down r. c.) Nora. Another little surprise for me, I suppose! (Mrs. P. shuts room door.) Nora. Good morning. You wish to see Mr. Smith? 58 FACING THE MUSIC. Miss F. Yes, madam. Nora. He will be here presently; pray be seated. (Miss F. sits l. of table r.) Might I ask your name? (sits on ottoman) Miss F. Certainly! I am Miss Fotheringay of the Bijou Theatre? I left my card this morning. Nora, (aside) An actress! What can she want with Jack? (aloud) What is the object of your visit? Miss F. To thank Mr. Smith for his great kindness to me. Nora. Really! Is he a friend of yours? Miss F. A friend indeed, for he was a friend in need. Oh! if you only knew how good he has been to me! Nora, (aside) I can quite imagine it. Miss F. Yes, madam; I was in trouble and he came to my assistance like the noble-hearted fellow he is. Do you know him? Nora, (aside) I'm afraid I don't! (aloud) Yes — slightly, but when and where was he so kind to you? Miss F. (rises) Late last night in Leicester Square. It was terrible; but oh! how fortunate it was that when I fell fainting it was into the arms of so true a gentle- man! How brave he was! How sweetly tender and con- siderate! Can you wonder that I am longing to meet him and thank him from the bottom of my heart? Nora, (rises — aside) This is too much! (aloud) Madam, do you know who I am? Miss F. I have not the pleasure. Nora. I am his wife. Miss F. Oh! pardon me, but really (goes r. c.) Nora, (aside) Oh! she doesn't believe me. (aloud) Do you doubt my word? Miss F. I think you are mistaken. Nora. Mistaken! I tell you, madam, I am Mrs. John Smith. Miss F. Possibly; but you are not the only one, and Nora. What! (aside, half sobbing) Oh, Jack, Jack, how could you"? (sinks on ottoman sobbing) Miss F. I didn't mean that; I meant that you don't happen to be the wife of this particular Mr. John Smith of Mona Mansions. Nora. Not his wife! How dare you say such a thing! (rises) Miss F. Because I have already had the pleasure of seeing the real mistress of this flat — here — not two hours ago. (going r.) FACING THE MUSIC. 59 Nora. The real mistress! (aside) First, Mrs. Pont- ing and now this actress, (aloud) Madam, you forget yourself, (going up c.) I will find my husband and he shall explain everything in your presence and mine. (Exit c.) Miss F. This is flat-furnishing up to date. Box and Cox with wives! How does Mr. Smith do it? (goes l.) (Enter Smith from door r. i. e.) Smith, (r.) I beg your pardon, (seeing his mis- take, furious and horrified at seeing another strange laay in his flat) Madam! (groans) Another horror! An- other horror! Miss F. (l. c. merrily) Thank you — Mr. Smith! Smith. Who are you, madam? Miss F. Apparently you don't recognize me this morning. Smith, (furiously) Madam, I've never seen you be- fore in my life, (crosses l. c.) Miss F. (merrily) Oh! Mr. Smith! (crosses r.) Smith. Oh! Mrs. — Madam — (going to her) Why have you come here? Miss F. (smiling) I believe you lost a pocket-book last night! Smith. Ah! Here's another one after it! Ah! ah! ah! How many more of you? How many more of you? Miss F. (frightened) Mr. Smith! (draws away l.) Smith. Madam, do you know I have a detective on the premises? Miss F. (merrily) A detective! Smith. Yes, madam; and he's here to take you and the rest to Vine Street. (Miss F. merry ripple of laughter.) (aside) She doesn't seem to mind it in the least! Yes; she's one of the gang, (aloud) Madam, do you want to sleep on a plank to-night? Miss F. (laughs) No, thanks! Smith. Then you'd better go, and take Matilda with you! Miss F. Take Matilda with me? Smith. Yes, Matilda Scraggs! The Duchess of Picca- dilly! And perhaps you'll tell me why she has the au- dacity to call herself Mrs. Smith? 60 FACING THE MUSIC. Miss F. (aside) Oh, that was the Duchess I saw- just now. (Enter Colonel Smith c.) Colonel. I say, Jack, my boy — (goes down l. c.) Hallo! another pretty woman! Jack, my boy, introduce me! Smith. One moment, uncle. I'm all like that this morning, (changing his tone with great effort) Would you mind stepping into that room for a moment? (opens door down r.) Miss F. (crossing to door r.) Not in the least, but — won't you introduce me? Smith, (aside) Hush! This is the detective! Miss F. Oh! (Merry laugh and exit door down r.) Colonel. Jack, you rascal! Smith, (trying to laugh) I am! I am! Colonel, (digs him in rios) You're having all the fun this morning. Smith. Oh, I am! I am! Colonel, (smiling and pointing off) Who's that? Smith. That? That! Oh, that's— that— (aside) Who the devil is — that? (aloud) Oh! that's our nur- sery governess, sir! Colonel. Your nursery governess! Why, you haven't any — (Bus. imitating nursing oaoy) Smith. I know, I know — quite so; but — er — you never know what may happen. (Quick exit into room down r.) Colonel, (jovial laugh; crosses and sits on ottoman l. c.) I can't quite make Master Jack out! He doesn't seem to know his own wife; and she's a little myster- ious! Why was she dressed like a servant just now! And that dressmaker girl seems a trifle peculiar. What did Mabel call her? Matilda Scraggs — yes! Matilda Scraggs! (Nora enters c, goes down r. c.) Nora. I can't find Jack anywhere. Colonel. Ah, here is the lady, (rises, Bus. puts eye- glass in eye, looking her up and down, walking towards her) Ah! Ah! FACING THE MUSIC. CI Nora. Well, sir, have you finished your inspection? Colonel, (removing eyeglass) Pardon me, madam, if I appear rude. Nora. I mean your inspection of the meter! (crosses l. c.) Colonel, (r. c.) My inspection of the meter? (laughs) Madam, do you know who I am? Nora. (l. c.) The gas man! Colonel, (r. c. laughs again) The gas man? Madam, I am Colonel Duncan Smith. Nora. My husband's uncle! (goes to him, holding out her hand) Colonel, (placing his hands behind him) Certainly not, madam; don't know your husband! I'm John Smith's uncle! Nora. And I am John Smith's wife! (goes ». c.) Colonel, (c. smiling) Oh no, you really must par- don me, but Nora. (r. c.) Now, he doesn't believe me! No one believes me! (angrily; comes up to him with arms -folded) Will you be good enough to tell me who I am? Colonel, (c.) You are Miss Matilda Scraggs, the dressmaker. Jack told me so. Nora. (r. c.) Jack told you that? Colonel, (c.) Certainly! And may I ask why you take me for the gas man? Nora. (r. c.) Because your nephew told me so! Colonel, (c.) What! (Enter Mabel door l.) Mabel, (l. c. entering) Oh, Uncle Duncan! Uncle Duncan! (going to him and sobbing on his shoulder) Nora. (Bus.) Oh! Colonel, (arms round Mabel) What's the matter, Mabel, my dear? Mabel. My Johnnie! My Johnnie! (leaving the Col- onel's arms, goes l.) Nora. How dare you call my husband your Johnnie? Mabel. And how dare you call my Johnnie your hus- band? Nora. He is not your husband. Mabel. You are not his wife! Nora. ) oh! (speaking together, they collapse into Mabel. \ Colonel's arms) Colonel, (supporting one on each shoulder) Ladies! Ladies! (trying to calm them) 62 FACING THE MUSIC. Nora. This is too much! (crosses l.) Mabel. It is more than I can bear, (crosses R.) Nora. But I'll not remain here to be insulted. Mabel. Why did you come here at all? You know you have no right here. Nora. No right here! No right in my own home? Mabel. This is not your home! Nora. Not my home! Colonel. Certainly not, madam. This is not your home. Nora. Oh! (takes up Mabel's hat and boa from table l.) Well, that settles it. (comes c.) Mabel. Madam, how dare you! (crosses to Nora and snatches hat and boa) Those are mine! (crosses to door l.) Nora. Yours! Mabel. Yes, madam, mine. (Exit l.) Nora. Hers! And he gave them to me only an hour ago. (sinks on ottoman sobbing) Colonel. Don't cry, my dear! Don't! (going up) Oh, hang it! I can't stand a woman's tears! (goes up and opens c. door) (As he does so the Rev. Smith enters.) Halloa! How did you get in? Rev. S. I found the outer door open, so entered. (goes towards couch) Nora, (to herself) So I'm the Duchess of Picca- dilly ! Rev. S. Oh, I beg your grace's pardon for intruding. (takes off hat) Nora, (going up) Oh! Rev. S. Have you seen my Mabel? (following her) Nora. Don't speak to me, sir! How dare you! (Exit c.) Rev. S. The Duchess appears angry! (going down L.) Colonel, (r. c.) You little imposter, tohere's my sovereign? Rev. S. Your sovereign! At Windsor Castle, I be- lieve. FACING THE MUSIC. C3 Colonel. I mean the sovereign you swindled me out of. Rev. S. Sir! Colonel. The sovereign I gave you for the Aged Spin- sters' Home at Battersea. Oh, you hypocrite! How dare you wear that coat? Rev. S. I am the curate of St. Andrews. Colonel. Yes; I've heard that before; but I know better! And if you don't hand me over my sovereign, I shall hand you over to the police. (Smith enters R.) Colonel. Ah, Jack, I've caught the rogue, {going R.) Smith, (crosses to Rev. S.) ^ou scoundrel! Rev. S. Sir, I am the curate of St. Andrews! Smith. The curate of St. Anurews! Ah! ah! ah! Colonel. Don't let him go, Jack! I'll send for a policeman. (Exit c. door.) Smith. Now then, Mr. Saintly Sam Rev. S. Saintly Sam, sir! I am Smith. Oh! I know who you are! Your disguise doesn't take me in! What do you mean by selecting my flat to carry out your criminal plans? Rev. S. I haven't the remotest idea of your mean- ing. I came here to offer you an abject apology. Smith. Never mind the apology. Where are the notes you stole just now? (going towards him) Rev. S. (retreating) I did not steal them, sir. Mabel entrusted them to my keeping. Oh, where is she? Where is she? (crosses to table R.) Smith. You know where she is well enough, and you also know that her name is not Mabel — it's .Matilda! Rev. S. Matilda! Smith. Yes, Matilda Scraggs, and her mother keeps a wardrobe shop in Somers Town. Rev. S. Poor fellow! I am afraid he's demented. Smith. You villain! But your career of crime will soon be cut short. You are caught red-handed this time. Sit down there, (goes up to sideboard and pours out a whiskey and soda) Sit clown and don't move! Rev. S. (sits) I hope he won't get violent. Smith. But I have one very great consolation. (drinks) Rev. S. Drink! He'll be positively dangerous in a minute. C4 FACING THE MUSIC. Smith. You'll get ten years at the very least, (goes io window) Why the deuce doesn't Duff ell come? Where can he have got to? (The Rev. S. creeps cautiously to door and slips out, leaving flat door open, but banging street door.) Smith, (turning round) Confound it, he's gone! What a fool I was to take my eyes off him! He's as slippery as an eel! (Nora enters c. and goes down l.) Smith, (closing door) Nora! (goes down l. c. to her) Nora. Don't speak to me, sir! Smith. Nora, my darling! Nora. I am no longer your darling. Smith. Yes, you are, dear! Now more than ever. Nora, you don't understand. I am the victim of a de- signing woman. Nora. And I am the victim of a faithless husband. (crosses r. c.) Smith. Nora, will you listen to me? Nora. Too late, sir! I've heard enough, and I've seen enough. Besides, how can I believe a word you say? Smith. Have I ever told you a lie? Nora. Yes! You lied when you gave me her hat, her boa, and her umbrella. You lied when you said your Uncle Duncan was the gas inspector; you lied when you told him Mabel was your wife. So I'm her dressmaker, am I? A charming little plot truly — but my unexpected return has completely exposed it. Oh! what a delightful home-coming! But I am about to rid you of my presence. I am going back to Dover. Smith. Oh, Nora, don't be silly. Nora, (going to table) Her portrait! Another ■proof! Another proof! Smith. Nora, I swear I am innocent. Nora. Innocent! Smith. It is the truth, and truth must triumph! Nora. It has triumphed! (tears up photo and throws it at his feet. Going up) Good-bye! Oh, Jack! Jack!, (Exit c.) Smith, (calling after her) Nora! Nora! (Bus. FACING THE MUSIC. G5 of kicking pieces of torn portrait lying on stage) I'll never do another kind action as long as I live, (sits l.) Never, as long as I live! (Dick enters c.) Dick. Confound the fog! it's coming on again. Halloa — buck up, Smiff. Buck up — where's the foglette? (lay- ing hands on Smith's shoulders) Smith, (points to room where Miss F. is) There! No! no! (points to room Mabel is in) There — (points to room Miss F. is in again) I've another one in there. Dick. You don't mean to say you've two mysterious females on the premises? Smith. I have! I have! Dick. Has your wife seen the latest? Smith. She has! Dick, I'm in the final stage of desperation and despair. Was ever an innocent man in such frightful position? Every moment I'm sinking deeper and deeper into difficulties, and the more I struggle to extricate myself the greater they grow — a simple, kind, generous act of mine last night has been taken advantage of by these designing females, and that scoundrel, Saintly Sam! My wife thinks I'm faith- less. Oh! my head's going! I can feel the symptoms of lunacy coming on. Dick, I'm dazed! (waving his right hand in front of his eyes) Dazed! Dick, (alarmed) Smiff! (follows Smith and keeps just behind him during this speech) Smith, (rises and goes c.) The fog's rising before my eyes — and look, there's Leicester Square — and there's the fainting female! See, she's talking, laughing, plot- ting with her two confederates. (wild laugh) Yes; there they are. Can't you see them waiting for their victim? And look, there goes the victim wending his way homeward through the dark, black fog, little dream- ing of the plot they're hatching round the corner. Now they're listening — yes, they've heard his footsteps. Now they separate, and the victim still plods on to meet his fate, (calls as though teaming the victim) Stop — man — it's an old trick! Save yourself! Turn back! Too late, she's in his arms! Why doesn't someone tell him what a fool he is? Dick, (placing hand on Smith's shoulder, trying to change the current of his thoughts) Smith! Smith, (shouts at the imaginary man) Smith! Dick, (still trying to change current of his thoughts) Smith! 66 FACING THE MUSIC. Smith. Louder, Dick — (calls) Smith! Dick. Smith, are you in your sober senses? Smith. Smith, are you an idiot? There they go. The elements are all in their favor and dead against poor Smith! Now the villains are creeping up — they're on him — he's down, and now robbed and half strangled he realizes what a fool he has been. Look! The men have disappeared, the woman has gone; and there stands Smith, watchless, chainless, purseless, and alone, {sinks on ottoman) (This speech should be done as intensely and dramatic- ally as possible.) Dick. Poor old Smiff! (crosses to fireplace) Smith. Yes, Dick, I'm dazed — dazed! dazed! All the horrors of last night are crowding in my brain, and here I am — facing the music! (Miss F. in room r. knocks loudly at door to find she is locked in. Smith starts up at knocking, much startled.) Miss F. (calling loudly) Mr. Smith! Mr. Smith! Smith, (crossing to door r.) Oh! that's the other one, Dick! Ah! (going to door and unlocking it) (Duffell enters very quietly at door of flat c.) Keep her quiet, Dick, keep her quiet! Dick. But she's not my foglette! Smith. Never mind. Keep her quiet for my sake, and I'll find Duffell! (Dick exit r.) (Smith locks door. Duffell has come down to l. of table r. by this time, and stands with his right foot on chair, watching Smith.) Smith, (seeing Duffell) Oh! there you are! Now look here, Duffell — Duff. (l. of table r.) Be careful what you say; it'll be used in evidence against you. (takes foot off chair) Smith, (r. of table) What the devil are you talk- ing about now? Duff, (smiling) Come, out with it — what's your name? And who are you? (both hands on table, lean- ing over to Smith) Smith, (savagely, imitating Duffell's position) I FACING THE MUSIC. C,7 What's my name — who am I? (inane laugh) John Smith! Idiot! Duff, (grinning) John Smith, idiot! That game's played out! (grinning again) Smith. Are you going to drive me mad? Duff. No; I'm going to drive you to Vine Street. No wonder you wanted to compound this felony; no wonder you wanted to get me off the premises — no wonder you were anxious to get Mrs. Smith off the premises, (laughs) Smith, (striking table with his fist emphatically) Duffell, this is my flat! Duff. Oh, is it? Well, Tm not your flat! (laughs) Smith. Take these women away. (waving both hands, crosses l. c.) Duff. Where are your confederates — (r. c.) the Duchess and Saintly Sam? Smith, (wild laugh) Oh, this is a most intelligent policeman! What the dickens do you take me for? Duff. What do I take you for? Entering this house with felonious intent for one thing. Smith. Ah! ah! ah! Me! Ah! ah! Duff. And robbery with violence 'in Leicester Square last night for another. Smith. Ah! ah! (quite excited) Anything else? Can't you throw in a murder or two? Ah! ah! Oh! I could strangle you — you — you — (going to him) Duff, (retreating) Stand back! No violence. I've a dozen men outside. You'd better go quietly. Smith. Duffell, I'll stand this no longer, (goes over to fireplace and picks up poker) If you value your life, go! I'll not answer for the consequences, if you remain here another moment. (Mabel enters door l.) (very madly) Duffell, I'm getting dangerous! Go! (brandishing poker) (Duffell rushes to door c, opens it and exit, showing only his head.) Mabel, (screams) Oh, Mr. Duffell! (rushes up to window ) Duff. Don't be frightened, madam; I'm here. Smith. And so am I! madam — this flat is mine! (crosses to l. c.) Mabel, (comes down l.) It's false! It belongs to my husband, Mr. Smith! What have you done to him? 68 FACING THE MUSIC. (Duffell comes down r. c.) Smith. What have I done to him? Ah! ah! What are you doing to him? What are you all doing to him? (jumps in the air and gesticulates frantically) Mabel, (frightened, goes up l.) Take him away! Take him away! Duff. Just what I'm going to do, ma'am, (r. c.) Smith. Oh, are you? Ah! ah! (Nora opens door and speaks off.) Nora. Have the goodness to call me a cab, Mrs. Ponting. (goes down r.) Smith. Nora, my darling! Nora. Don't speak to me, sir! (going down stage) Good-bye! I'm going back to Dover! (goes in front of table r. and up to fireplace) Duff. No, Duchess, your destination's Bow Street. (l. of table r.) Smith, (going to Duff.) And your destination will be the nearest hospital, if you dare insult my wife! I've warned you, Duffell, so — take care. Take care! (Miss F. off stage merry laugh — Dick off stage merry laugh. Look at each other. Bus.) Smith. And they can laugh at a moment like this. Oh! (sits) Dick, (off stage) Open the door, Smiff, open the door! I've a glorious surprise for you. Duff, (gets to door r., opening door) And I've a glorious surprise for you, my friend. (Dick and Miss F. enter door r. down stage; Miss F. goes c. Dick r. c.) Dick. Smiff, you've made a slight mistake. The lady you assisted in the fog last nignt — Miss Fotheringay! Smith, (l. rises) What! All. Miss Fotheringay! Miss F. Of the Bijou Theatre! Did you find my brooch last night? Smith. Madam, what do you mean? I've never seen you before in my life, never — never! That — (indicating Mabel) is the lady I met in Leicester Square. Mabel, (horrified) Oh! Miss F. Mr. Smith, we met in Leicester Square. Smith. We did? (to Mabel) Then how did my FACING THE MUSIC. C9 pocket-book come into your possession? Miss F. I called this morning to restore it to you — you were out, so I gave it to your wife, (pointing to Mabel) Nora. Oh! Smith. Madam, that is my wife! (pointing to Nora) Miss F. The Duchess of Piccadilly! Nora. Oh! (moves up stage indignantly and comes down r. again) Smith. No, no! That is the Duchess! (pointing to Mabel) Mabel. Oh! (goes up stage indignantly and comes doivn l. again) Miss F. I don't understand. Smith. Neither do I! (sinks on couch l.) Duff, (goes r. c.) But I do, ma'am; you're trying to screen these people. Miss F. Sir! Dick. Duffell, how dare you? (Duffell goes to window and opens it.) Mabel. Miss Fotheringay, you are mistaken, this is not my husband! Miss F. Not your husband! Smith. No, certainly not ! (Duffell at window, blows his whistle, loudly. Every- body turn their back to audience and look at Duf- fell.) Smith, (jumping up alarmed) What the deuce are you doing now? Duff. You'll soon know, sir. Keep cool! Newsboy, (in street, calling) The Great Diamond Robbery in Bond Street. Latest News! All. What! Duff. Ah! (with pride) Newsboy. Arrest of the Duchess of Piccadilly in Paris last night! Duff. What! All. Ah! (pointing at Duffell) (Duffell very much confused. Smith gives derisive laugh as he looks at Duff. Noise heard off. Colonel enters, dragging the Rev. Smith down c.) Colonel. I've got him, Jack — Saintly Sam! 70 FACING THE MUSIC. Mabel. Oh, Johnnie! My husband! (running into his arms) (Smith goes down l. Colonel goes behind ottoman.) Rev. S. Mabel, my lost lamb! All. Your husband! Mabel. Yes — and this is his flat. Smith. Oh, go on! Don't mind me! Rev. S. No, darling; I reside on the uppermost story! Mabel. This is not your flat! Then I came to the wrong one last night — and slept in the — Oh! (falls on to couch after giving a scream) Smith. Madam, why did you come to the wrong flat last night? And you, sir; why are you here? (to Rev. S.) (Colonel consoles Mabel.) Rev. S. To offer you an abject apology for opening this letter, (hands letter) Smith. Letter, (taking it) Rev. S. My name is Smith — the Rev. John Smith. (Mrs. P. gives scream off stage. At Mrs. P.'s scream and entrance all the characters turn and watch Duffell's Bus. with Policemen with their backs to audience. She opens flat door and goes down r. to fireplace. Three or four policemen crowd in. Duffell bustles them out quickly, shuts door, and puts his back against it; presently opens it a little way and calls out — ) Duff. Wait! Smith. (Bus. with letter) Ah! I see it all — there are two John Smiths in Mona Mansions! (MUSIC cue— pp.) All. Two John Smiths! Smith. Yes, me and this! (pointing to Rev. S. — goes up) Nora, (goes to Mabel c.) But don't you know your husband's flat? (Dick passes Miss P. to armchair r. and stands over her. Duffell stands at head of table, ogling Mrs. P.) Mabel. No, I've been away. FACING THE MUSIC. 71 Rev. S. And I came to dwell here during her ab- sence. Dick. Smith, the fog's lifted! Rev. S. (producing notes) Then these notes? Smith. Are mine, (taking them) You see, Nora, darling, the truth has triumphed. I am innocent. Nora. Oh, Jack, forgive me! Smith. Forgive you — why, of course I will, my dar- ling — only don't do it again! Duff, (coming down e. c.) There! I knew it would all come right in the end. Smith. Yes; but in the meanwhile you've been play- ing a merry tune, and I've had a lively time of it "Facing the Music! " CURTAIN. MAR 35 1905 SEND FOR A NEW DESCRIPTIVE CATALOQUE. (French's Standard Drama Continued from 2d page of Cover.) VOL. XLI. »21 The Pirate'* Legacy Sri The Charcoal Burner I2S Adelgitha 824 Sencr Valient* 326 Foreit Rose 326 Duke's Daughter 327 Camilla'' Husband 328 Pure Gold VOL. XLII. 329 Ticket of Leave Man 830 Fool's Revenge 331 O' Neil the Great 332 Handy Andy 333 Pirate of the hies 334 Fanchon 335 Little Barefoot 336 Wild Irish Girl VOL. XLIII. 337 Pearl of Savoy 338 Dead Heart 339 Ten N ights in a Bar-room 340 Dumb Boy of Manchester 341 BelphegortheMounteb'k 34J Cricket on the Hearth 843 Printer's Devil , 344 Meg's Diversion VOL. XLIV. 345 Drunkard's Doom 346 Chimney Corner 347 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 348 No Thoroughfare Tard's 349 Peep O' Day [_Life 350 Everybody's Friend 351 Gen. Grant 352 Kathleen Mavourneen VOL. XLV. 353 Nick Whiffles 354 Fruits of the Wine Cup 355 Drunkard's Warning 358 Temperance Doctor 357 Aunt Dinah 358 Widow Freeheart 359 Frou Frou 360 Long Strike VOL. XLVI. 361 Lancers 362 Lucille 363 Randall's Thumb 364 Wicked World 365 Two Orphans 366 Colleen Bawn 367 'Twixt Axe and Crown 368 Lady Clancarthy VOL. XLVII. 369 Saratoga 370 Never Too Late to Mend 371 Lily of France 372 Led Astray 373 Henry V 374 Unequal Match 375 May or Dolly's Delusion 376 Allatoona VOL. XLVIII. 877 Enoch Arden 378 Under the Gas Light 379 Daniel Rochat 880 Caste 381 School 382 Home 383 David Garrlck 384 Ours VOL. XLIX. 385 Social Glass 386 Daniel Drue* 887 Two Roses 388 Adrlenne .589 The Bells 390 Uncle 391 Courtship 392 Not Such a Fool VOL. L. 393 Fine Feathers 394 Prompter's Box 395 Iron Master 396 Engaged H97 Pygmalion At, Galatea 398 Leah 399 Scrap of Paper 400 Lost in London VOL. LI. 401 Octoroon 402 Confederate Spy 403 Mariner's Return 404 Ruined by Drink 406 Dreams 406 M. P. 407 War 408 Birth VOL. LII. 409 Nightingale 410 Progress 411 Plav 412 Midnight Charge 413 Confidential Clerk 4l4Snewball 415 Our Regiment 416 Married for Money Hamlet, in Three Acts Guttle & Gulpit FRENCH'S INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHTED EDITION OF THE WORKS OF THE BEST AUTHORS. The following very successful plays have just been issued at 25 cents per copy. A PAIR OF SPECTACLES. Comedy In 3 Acts by Sydney Grundy, author of "Sowing the Wind," &c. 8 male, 3 female characters. A POOL'S PARADISE. An original play In 3 Acts by Sydney Grundy, author 01 "Sowing tkf interest 196 My Fel ow Clerk 197 Bengal Tiger 198 Laughing Hyena 199 The Vict, r Vanquished 200 Our Wife VOL. XXVI. 901 My Husband's Mirror 202 Yankee Land 303 Norah Creina 204 Good for Nothing 205 The First Night 206 The Eton Boy 207 Wandering Minstrel 208 Wanted, 1000 Milliners VOL. XXVII. 209 Poor Pilooddy 210 The Mummy [Glasses 211 Den't Forest your Opera 212 Leve in Livery 213 Anthony and Cleopatra 914 Trying It On 216 Stage Struck Yankee 21t Young Wife & Old Um- brella VOL. XXVIII, 21T Crinoline 218 A FamllyvFalllng 219 Adopted Child 220 Turned Heads 221 A Match In the Dark 222 Advice to Husbands 22S Siamese Twins 224 Sent to the Tower VOL. XXIX. '.'25 Somebody Else 216 Ladies' Battle 227 Art of Acting 228 The Lady of the Liona 229 The Rights ef Man 230 My Husband's Ghost 231 Two Can Play at that Game 233 Unprotected Female 234 Pet of the Petticoats 236 Forty and Fifty [book 236 Who Stole the Pocket- 237 My Son Diaua [sion 238 Unwarrantable Intru- 239 Mr. and Mrs. White 2tt A Quiet Family (French's Minor Drama Continued on jd page of Cover.) 248 Perplexing Predicament VOL. XXXII. 249 Dr. Dilworth 250 Out to Nurse 251 A Lucky Hit 252 The Dowager 253 Metamora (Burlesque) 254 Dreams of Delusion 255 The Shaker Lovers 256 Ticklish Times VOL. XXXIII. •HI 20 Minutes with a Tiger 258 Miralda; or, the Justice of Tacon 259 A Soldier's Courtship 269 Servants by Legacy 261 Dying for Love 262 Alarming Sacrifice 263 Valet de Sham 264 Nicholas Nickleby VOL. XXXIV. 265 The Last of the Pigtails 266 King Rene's Daughter 267 The Grotto Nymph 268 A Devilish Good Joke 269 A Twice Told Tale 270 Pas de Fascination »71 Revolutionary Soldier 272 A Man Without a Head VOL. XXXV. 273 The Olio, Part 1 974 The Olio, Part J 276 The Olio, Part 3 [ter 276 The Trumpeter's Daugh- 277 Seeing Warren S78 Green Mountain Boy 279 That Nose 260 Tom Noddy's Secret VOL. XXXVI. 281 Shocking Events 282 A Regular Fi* 283 Dick Turpin 284 Young Scamp 985 Young Actress 286 Call at No. 1—7 287 One Touch of Nature 2«8 Two B'hoys VOL. XXXVII. 289 All the World's a Stage 'J90 Quash, or Nigger Prac- 291 Turn Him Out [tice 292 Pretty Girls of Stlllberg 293 Ange'l of the Attic 294 GirciimstaiicesalterCaiet 295 Katty O'Sheal 296 A Supper in Dixie VOL. XXXVIII. 297 lot on Parle Francais 998 Who Killed Cock Robin 299 Declaration of Iudepend- 800 Heads or Tails [ence 301 Obstinate Family 303 My A unt 303 That Rascal Pat 804 Don Paddy de Bnzan VOL. XXXIX. [tjre 305 Too Much for Good Na- 30S Cure for the Fidgets 307 Jack's the Lad Much Ado AboutNothlng 309 Artful Dodger 310 Winning Hazard 311 Day's Fishing [Ac. 312 Did you ever send your, VOL. XL. 313 An Irishman's Maneuver 314 Cousin Fannie Tis the Darkest Hourl 316 Masquerade [fore Da- 317 Crowding the Seasc ' 318 Good Night's Rest 319 M«n with the Cp 320 Terrible Ti-- 4AMUEL FRENCH* 26 Wert aad Street, New York C\* flew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed r