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 Mooeg Bapfc 
 
 FAST KKIJKJMPTION 4 Acts. Price 25 cts. 
 
 OOIVTRADES. 3 Acts. Price 25 cts. 
 
 TITANIA. A Fairy Play for Children. 2 Acts. Price 25 cts. 
 
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 CEO. M. BAKER'S 
 NEW PLAYS. 
 
Spencer's Universal Stage. 
 
 A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public or Private 
 
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 necessary Stage Business. 
 
 PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH, rm- No Plays Exchanged. 
 
 11. 
 
 12. 
 
 1. LOST IN LONDON. A Drama in 3 Acts. 
 
 6 male, 4 female characters. 
 
 2. NICHOLAS PLAM. A Comedy In 2 Acts. 
 
 By J. B. Buckstone. 5 male, 3 female char. 
 
 3. THE WELSH Gir,L. A Comedy in 1 Act. 
 
 By Mrs. Flauche. 3 male, 2 female char. 
 
 4. JOHN "WOPPS. A Farce in 1 Act. By 
 
 W. E. Suter. 4 male, 2 lemale char. 
 
 5. THE TUEEUSH BATH. A Farce in 1 Act. 
 
 By Montague Williams and F. C Burnaud. 
 
 G male, 1 female cliar. 
 
 e. THE TWO PUDDIPOOTS. AFarceinl 
 
 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 
 
 7. OLD HONESTY. A Comic Drama in 2 
 
 Acts. By J. M. Jlortoa. 5 male, 2 female char. 
 
 D. TWO GENTLEMEN IN A FIX- A 
 
 Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 male char. 
 
 9. SMASHINGTON GOIT. A Farce in 1 Act. 
 
 By T. J. iVilliaiiis. 5 male, 3 lemale char. 
 10. TWO HEADS BETTER THAN ONE. A 
 Farce in 1 Act. By Lenox Home. 4 male, 
 1 female char. 
 JOHN DOBBS. A Farce in 1 Act. ByJ.M. 
 
 Morton. 5 male, 2 female char. 
 
 THE DAUGHTER of the REGIMENT. 
 
 A Drama in 2 Acts. By Edward Fitzball. 
 
 G male, 2 female char. 
 
 ^3- AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. AFarceinl 
 
 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 
 
 14 BROTHER BILL AND ME. A Farce in 
 
 I Act. By \V. E. Suter. 4 male, 3 female cijar. 
 
 15. DONE ON BOTH SIDES. A Farce in I 
 
 Act. By J. M. Morton, 3 male, 2 female char. 
 
 16. DUNDUCKETTT'S PICNIC. A'Farce in 1 
 
 Act. By T. J. Williams. G male, 3 female char. 
 
 17. I'VE WRITTEN TO BROWNE. A Farce 
 
 in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female 
 
 char. 
 19. MY PRECIOUS BETSY. A Farce in 1 
 
 Act. By J. M. JMorton. 4 male, 4 female char. 
 90. Ml TURN NEXT. A Farce in 1 Act By 
 
 T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female char. 
 
 22. THE PHANTOM BREAKFAST. A Farce 
 
 in 1 Act. By Chas. Selby. ;; male, 2 female char. 
 
 23. DANDELION'S DODGES. A Farce in 1 
 
 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 
 
 24. A SLICE OP LUCK. A Farce in 1 Act. By 
 
 J. M. Morton. 4 male, 2 female char. 
 
 25. ALWAYS INTENDED. A Comedy in 1 
 
 Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 male, 3 female char. 
 26 A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP. A Comedy 
 in 2 Acts. By Charles Matthews. 6 male, 4 
 female char. 
 
 27. ANOTHER GLASS. A Drama in 1 Act By 
 
 Thomas Morton. C male, 3 female char. 
 
 28. BOWLED OUT. A Farce in 1 Act. ByH. 
 
 T. Craven. 4 mule, 3 female char. 
 
 29. C0U3IN TOM. A Commedietta in 1 Act. By 
 
 Geo. E,oberts. 3 male, 2 female char. 
 
 30. SARAH'S YOUNG MAN. A Farce in 1 
 
 Act. By W. E. Suter. • 3 male, S female char. 
 
 31. HIT HIM, HE HAS NO FRIENDS. A 
 
 Farce in 1 Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Har- 
 rington^ 7 male, 3 female char. 
 THE CHRISTENING. A Farce in 1 Act. 
 
 By J. B. Buckstone. 5 male 6 female ^har. 
 A RACE POR A WIDOW. A Farce in 1 
 Act. ByT. J. Williams. 5 male, 4 female char. 
 
 34 YOUR LIFE'S IN DANGER. A Farce in 
 I Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 
 
 35. TRUE UNTO DEATH. A Drama in 2 Acts. 
 Bv J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 male, 2 female char. 
 
 Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to 
 
 ' Geo. M. Baker & Co., 41-45 Franklin St., Boston. 
 
 32. 
 
 33. 
 
 36. DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. An Interlude 
 in 1 Act. By W. H. Alurray. 10 male, 1 liemale 
 char. 
 
 37. LOOK .^JTER BROWN. AFarceinl Act. 
 By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 male, 1 female 
 char. 
 
 38. MONSEIGNEUR. A Drama in 3 Acts. By 
 Thomas Archer. 15 male, 3 female char. 
 
 39. A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. . A 
 Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male char. 
 
 40. BROTHER BEN. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. 
 Jl. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 
 
 41. ONLY A CLOD. A Comic Drama in 1 Act. 
 By J. P. Simpson. 4 male, 1 female char. 
 
 42. GASPARDO THE GONDOLIER. A 
 Drama in 3 Acts. By George Almar. 10 male, 
 2 female char. 
 
 43. SUNSHINE THROUGH THE CLOUDS. 
 A Drama in 1 Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 
 male, 3 lemale char. 
 
 44. DON'T JUDGE BY APPEARANCES. A 
 Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 
 female char. 
 
 45. NURSE Y CHICKWEED. AFarceinl Act 
 By T. J. Wi.liams. 4 male, 2 female cliar. 
 
 46. MARY MOO ; or, Which shall I Marry? 
 A Farce in 1 Act By W. E. Suter. 2 male, 1 
 female char. 
 
 47. EAST LYNNE. A Drama in 5 Acts. 8 male, 
 7 female char. 
 
 48. THE HIDDEN HAND. A Drama in 6 Acts. 
 By Robert Jones. 10 male, 7 female char. 
 
 49. SILVERSTONE'3 WAGER. A Commedi- 
 etta in 1 Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 male, 3 fe- 
 male char. 
 
 50. DORA. A Pastoral Drama in 3 Acts. By Chas. 
 Reade. 5 male, 2 female char. 
 
 65. THE WIPE'S SECRET. A Play in 5 Acts. 
 By Geo. W. Lovell. 10 male, 2 lemale ch.ir. 
 
 56. THE BABES IN THE WOOD. A Com- 
 edy in 3 Acts, By Tom Taylor. 10 male, 3 le- 
 male char. 
 
 67. PUTKIHS -, Heir 1 3 Castles in the Air. 
 A Comic Drama in i Act By W. 11. Emerson. 
 
 2 male, 2 fe i.alc char. 
 
 58. AN UGLY CUSTOMER. A Farce in 1 Act 
 By '''h^n.us J. Williams. 3 male, 2 female char. 
 
 59. BLUE AND CHERRY. A Comedy in 1 Act 
 
 3 male, 2 female char. 
 
 60. A DOUBTFUL VICTORY. A Comedy in 
 
 1 Act 3 male, 2 fcn.j.le char. 
 
 61. THE SCARLET LETTER. A Drama in 3 
 Acts. 8 male, 7 female char. 
 
 62. WHICH WILL HAVE HIM? A Vaude- 
 ville. 1 male, 2 female char. 
 
 63. MADAM IS ABED. A Vaudeville in 1 Act. 
 
 2 male, 2 female char. 
 
 64. THE ANONYMOUS KISS. AVaudeviUe. 
 2 male, 2 female char. 
 
 65. THE CLEFT STICK. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 
 5 male, 3 female char. 
 
 66. A SOLDIER. A SAILOR, A TINKER, 
 AND A TAILOR. A Farce in 1 Act 4 male, 
 2 female char. 
 
 67. GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME. A Farce. 
 2 male, 2 lemale char. 
 
 68. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. A Farce. 6 
 male, 4 female char. 
 
 69. A HUSBAND TO ORDER. A Serio-comic 
 Drama m 2 Acts. 5 male, 3 female char. 
 
 70. PAYABLE ON DEMAND. A Domestic 
 Drama in 2 Acts. 7 male, 1 female char. 
 
UNCLE ROBERT; 
 
 OR. 
 
 LOVE'S LABOR SAVED 
 
 % Com^bu. — |n %\ixtt %cis. 
 
 H. P. CURTIS 
 
 I, 
 
 With Original Castf Costumes, and all the Stage Businu^^ 
 
 BOSTON: 
 GEO. M. BAKER & CO. 
 
 %[, 
 
7Sahh 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTEK3. 
 
 Boston UuBeum, 1861. 
 
 Unole Robsbt Sikolb aged 65, Mr. Warren. 
 
 JohwGbampus, " 60, " McClannm. 
 
 Edwabd, ^ r « 26, " Wilson. 
 
 Patty, > his Children^ -< " 17 Miss Keign olds. 
 
 William, J V. " 16, Miss Josephine Orton 
 
 Beownjohn, Patty*s Lover , ........ " 27, Mr. Mestayer. 
 
 Dion y Servant, ■ 
 
 Louisa C arltlb, Housekeeperf ... ^' <«), Miss AJinie Clark. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Uncle Robert. Loose coat; breeches; gaiters; white cravat. 
 Gbampus. Gray trowsers ; dark body-coat; dark cravat, 
 Edward. Riding suit; whip, &c. 
 William. Jacket and trowsers ; turned-over collar. 
 Brown JOHN. Gentleman's dress ; gray trowsers; gloves. 
 Dion. Livery — plain. 
 
 Pattt. Young girl's dress, rather short skirts. 
 Louisa. White or light-coiort>d(ireKS— simple. 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1861, by H. P. CUBTia, 
 in tho Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts. 
 
 QIFT 
 
 EST. OF J. H. CORNING 
 JUNE 20. 1940 
 
UNCLE ROBERT: 
 
 OR, 
 
 LOVE'S LABOR SAVED. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE I. — Parlor in Grampus' Aouse, handsomely furnished. — 
 Doors R., L., and c. 
 
 Louisa and William discovered. — Louisa sits at side, winding wor- 
 sted from WiLLiAin's hands. — On table near her a tambour frame. 
 
 Louisa. We had better stop now, Mr. William. You will be 
 tired. 
 
 William. Tired ! How could I be tired doing anything for you? 
 I would pass through fire for your sake, Louisa \ ( Very tenderly.) 
 
 Lou. {laughing). Would you, really? 
 
 Wil. Can you doubt it ? I wish a fire might break 'out in the 
 house this very night — 
 
 Lou. For shame, sir ! — 
 
 Wil. The flames rush to heaven ! — Beams are crashing ! — raf- 
 ters tumbling ! Suddenly you throw open an upper window, and 
 shriek for assistance ! The stairs are on fire ! — nobody dares enter 
 the house ! You are lost ! — 
 
 Lou. Hush, for Heaven's sake ! You terrify me ! 
 
 Wil. Butno, not quite lost. I, I am at hand! I rush in — break 
 open your door — carry you out in my arms ! — You are saved ! 
 {Seizes her in his arms.) 
 
 Lou. (pushing him away») Be quiet, please. None of that ; — 
 you '11 tangle my woi'sted. 
 
 Wil. Or I wish you would fall into the pond. How delightful to 
 jump in after you — save you — dive for you — recover your body — 
 
 Lou. Recover your own senses, this instant, or we shall never 
 wind this worsted. {Laughing) You have an extraordinary desire, 
 it seems, to have me perish by fire or water. 
 
 Wil. Peris^h ! Oh, Louisa ! for a chance to save your life ! Oh, 
 for an opportunity to do you some prodigious service ! — deliver you 
 from robbers — save you from run-away horses -^ protect you from 
 mad dogs ! I can think, dream, of nothing but how I can best prove 
 to you the extent of the adoration, — the burning adcxatron — 
 
1 JNOLE EQDERT , OR, |_AvJ. I 
 
 Lou. (taking the skein). Stop, stop, Mr. William; — enough of 
 this nonsense. You are too old to behave so like a child. 
 
 IF'il. A child ! I am not a child. 
 
 Lou. {laughiny). And only fourteen. 
 
 Wil. {proudly). I 'm almost sixteen. 
 
 Lou. So much the worse, then. I must give up petting you im- 
 mediately. 
 
 Wil. Ah> dearest Louisa ! call me child, then, forever. 
 
 Lou. I m afraid you read too many silly novels, Mr. William. 
 {They advance.) 
 
 Wil. Novels? <^h no — yes — no — that is — I must make my- 
 self familiar with American literature, of course, you know ; — Ned 
 Buiitliue, and G. P. R. James, and Sylvanus Cobb, and Mrs. Stovve, 
 and tlie Limplighter, and the Ledger, and — Ah, Louisa, if you 
 knew the adoration that fills — {Kneels.) 
 
 Lou. Stand up at once, sir. Mr. William, I must request you, 
 seriously, to use a different tone towards me. You must always ad- 
 dress me as Miss Carlyle. {She x's l.) I always call you Mr. Wil- 
 liam, and — 
 
 Wil. {idarmed). Are you angry with mel 
 
 Lou. What would your father say, if he heard you talking such 
 nonsense to rae as you do? 
 
 V/il. Ah, Louis — Miss Carlyle, I mean — don't mention father ; 
 — anything else you please ; — the horrors of conscience, — anything; 
 but don't, donH speak of /im. 
 
 Lou. Your uncle, then? 
 
 Wil. Uncle Robert? Oh, that 's a very different thing, — another 
 affair altogether. Speak of him as much as you like. 
 
 Lou. Tell me, Mr. William, what relation is old Mr. Single to the 
 family? I 've been here a month, now, but I don't know the actual 
 relationship yet. 
 
 Wil. Oh, well ; let 's think ; I don't know exactly, myself. On 
 my mother's side, somehow, I believe. Very distant, at any rate. 
 
 Loxb. He seems to be a very good old gentleman ; — so kind and 
 obliging. 
 
 Wil. He's the best old chap that ever lived. Ever since mother 
 died he 'a had the whole management of us children. He 's a real old 
 brick, I assure you. Evet-ybody depends on him in this house. If 
 any of us gets into a scrape we always run right to him. And he 
 has to interpose between us children and father pretty often, too ; for 
 father is so savage sometimes. {Tenderly) ^ntyou need no pro- 
 tector. 
 
 Lou. Fie, Mr. William ; no nonsense. 
 
 Wil. Even Other's severity is soothed by the loveliness of your 
 disposition. 
 Lou. Mr. William, I requested you, only a minute ago — (x to r. ) 
 
 Wil. Oh, Louisa ! if you could only conceive my devotion to you! 
 Do you remember what the poet says ? — 
 
 " His beaming; eyes o'erflow with love. 
 Freely tho tear of rapture runs, - 
 And wandering pensive in the grove. 
 His brothers' noisy sports he shuns. 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 5 
 
 " Her steps the mantlinpf blush awake ; 
 Her greeting fills his heart with light; 
 The fairest floioer.i he culls to deck 
 The pathway where — " 
 
 Lou. (turning suddenly). Oh, Mr. William ! this is dreadful ! — 
 this is dreadful ! Oh, I hope I 'm mistaken — 
 
 Wil. About what? 
 
 Lou. Your father and your uncle have been complaining;, for a 
 week past, of thefts in the flower-garden ; and every morning I find a 
 fresh bouquet in my chamber, and never can discover who places it 
 there. Oh, Mr. William — 
 
 Wil. But, Louisa — Miss Carlyle — 
 
 Lou. It is you. 
 
 Wil. Dear Miss Carlyle, I assure you — 
 
 Lou. You not only expose yourself very foolishly to your father's 
 just anger — 
 
 Wil. Oh, please don't ! — 
 
 Lou. But you expose me, too, to serious misconstruction. What 
 would they think ? 
 
 Wil. {humbly). I never thought of that. 
 
 Lou. I gave you credit, young as you are, for more reflection, — 
 more common sense. 
 
 Wil. Oh, Louisa ! pray, pray forgive me. 
 
 Lou. Not unless you solemnly promise, in future — 
 
 Enter Grampus, Edward, and Patty, c. 
 
 Grampus {very kindly, advancing). He shall promise everything 
 you require. Miss Carlyle. 
 
 Lou. (starting). Ah! Mr. Grampus. 
 
 Gr. 1 hope you 've been reading him a good lecture. 
 
 Lou. Oh, no sir. I — (William looks at her imploringly.) 
 
 Gr. He 's been in mischief again, I 'm sure. 
 
 Z,OM. No, no, indeed, sir ; — indeed he has not. 
 
 Gr. (to William). Go to your room, and study your lessons, at 
 once, sir. And for the future do everything Miss Carlyle tells you. 
 Do you hear ? 
 
 Wil. Yes, sir. [Exit, d. r. h. 
 
 Gr. (All coining forward.) Martha, have you made tho5=e ar- 
 rangements about the house, with Miss Carlyle, which I spoke of? 
 Do so, instantly. 
 
 Patty. I came now to do so, father. Come, if you please, Miss 
 Carlyle ; we '11 see about them at once. 
 
 [Exeunt Patty and Louisa, r. 2 e. 
 
 Gr. Edward, go to my library. I have a few instructions to 
 give you. I '11 come immediately. I want a few words with uncle, 
 first. (Takes up a newspaper.) 
 
 Enter U-SCLK Robert, l. 2 e. 
 
 Edward (aside to Uncle Robert). Don't go out without seeing 
 me, uncle. 1 want to speak to you. [Exit l. d. 2 e. 
 
 Uncle Robert. Did you want me, Grampus? 
 I* 
 
6 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [aCT 1. 
 
 Gr. Yes, Single, T want to let you know an arrangement I 've 
 made, and also to make you my confidant in a bus'ne s secret. 
 
 U. R. (l.) Business secret? Well, go on ; I 'm listening. 
 
 Gr. (r.) I'm so convinced that my factory at Cottonville needs 
 more undivided attention than I can give it from this distance, that 
 I've determined to send Edward to live there. 
 
 U. R. Edward ? You don't say so ! But — 
 
 Gr. Well? 
 
 U. R. Poor Ne-i got home only a month ago. He 's scarcely had 
 time to turn round yet. It seems to me rather tough to pack him 
 off to Cottonville so soon. Let him enjoy himself a little, before he 
 goes to work again. 
 
 Gr. Pooh, pooh ! Young men should work. It '11 be time enough 
 for him to enjoy himself when he gets to be my age. 
 
 U. R. He won't lil<e it much, I fancy. 
 
 Gr. Like it or not, he goes. I never stand any nonsense. He 
 sets oif in an hour. Enjoyment, indeed ! Pooh, pooh ! Let his 
 rooms remain vacant, for the present, however, till I decide what to 
 do with them. 
 
 U. R. Very well. 
 
 Gr. In the second place, this constant robbery of my garden vexes 
 me very much. You say you have no trace of the thief? 
 
 U. R. Not the faintest. 
 
 Gr. Very odd. Your room is in the cottage. The thefts happen 
 under your very nose. Who the deuce can it be? One would think 
 you might not only detect the scoundrel, but catch him too. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha ! I should make a poor thief-taker, I fear, with my 
 gout and my weak eye-sight. 
 
 Gr. Well, well ; from to-day let the garden-gate be locked every 
 evening at eight o'clock. Tell the gardener so. 
 
 U. R. Certainly, certainly. Is that all? 
 
 Gr. No ; now for the most important of all. There 's a great 
 quantity of Calcutta goods in store here, now, which can be bought 
 at a veiy low figure ; for the holders are losing interest on them the 
 whole time. Now, if France and England recognize this infernal 
 bogus Southern Confederacy of ours, these goods are bound to go up ; 
 for that 's about the same thing as a declaration of war, they say. 
 Luckily for me, however, nobody believes they will do so. There 's 
 no telling about it, you see ; for England can't be trusted in the least. 
 Her proclamation of neutrality shows that plainly enough. Tlie next 
 steamer's news will settle the thing beyond a doubt. It 's a capital 
 chance for a speculation, you see. Now, I 've sent Tompkins to New 
 York [Boston — Halifax], to get me the latest news from Europe. 
 He 's to telegraph me, the instant the steamer arrives, and I 've ar- 
 ranged to have all the usual telegraphs to the papers delayed an hour. 
 It cost me a mint of money, but if things turn out as I expect, it '11 
 pay, and pay well. If I should happen to be out when the telegram 
 comes, the messenger is to give it to you. It '11 have no address on 
 it, for safety's sake. As soon as it comes, send and hunt me up, 
 wherever I am. The greatest secrecy is absolutely essential, you per- 
 ceive ; — no one but you knows an iota of the business. So be sure 
 you mind what you do. 
 
BCRNE I ] love's LABOR SAVED. 7 
 
 U. R. Ay, ay, Grampus, I understand. Trust me for that. 
 
 Gr. (X to l). Very well. That 's all, I think. I '11 go, now, and 
 pnck off Edward. [ Exit L. D. 2 e. 
 
 U. R. Always scheming and speculating. He 's got a handsome 
 fortune already, and wants to double it. Well, well ; if everybody 
 were as I am, [ suppose the world would soon come to a stand-still. 
 Poor Ned ! how bored he '11 be in that horrid Cottouville ! Well, 
 well, well ; I must be off; no time to waste. 
 
 Wil.. {putting his head in at R. 2. E. ) Pst — Uncle Robert, are 
 you alone ? 
 
 U. R. Yes, scamp, I am. What now? 
 
 Wil. {^coining in). Oh, uncle 1 — dear, darling uncle — 
 
 U. R. What 's the matter now ? 
 
 Wil. (coaxingly). Uncle Robert, you must help me instantly. 
 
 U. R. Speak out, lad ; what 's the trouble ? 
 
 Wil. {softly). I 've got to stay after school, three days running. 
 
 U. R. Scapegrace ! what have you been up to now ? 
 
 Wil. Oh, uncle, hardly anything. I want you to fix it so father 
 shan't suspect me. You^know he always makes such an awful row. 
 
 IT. R. Well, but won't he miss you from the table? 
 
 Wil. If he notices it, tell him I 've been invited out ; or say you 
 sent me on an errand. Make some nice, good excuse for me. 
 
 U. R. William, when do you mean to begin to be a steady boy ? 
 
 Wil. Oh, Uncle Bob ! preach some other time, please. Promise 
 me you 'II help me through this scrape ; now do ! 
 
 U. R. Not unless you tell me what you 've be^n doing, sir. 
 
 Wil. Oh, a mere nothing, uncle. I was reading the Arabian 
 Days' Entertainments, under my desk, and the teacher caught me at 
 it ; that 's all. 
 
 U. R. Now, see the consequences of this vile novel-reading. And 
 I 've forbidden it so often, too. 
 
 Wil. Don't find fault with me all the time. Uncle Bob. I know 
 old folks say a boy should be always cultivating his mind ; {affect' 
 edly) but the heart, the heart has its rights. 
 
 IT. R. The heart ! Ha, ha, ha ! What do you know about the 
 heart ? 
 
 Wil. {offended). Why do you talk to me as if I were a little baby. 
 Uncle Robert ? Feel here, — see how rough my beard is. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! — rough as sandpaper. So it is. The heart, 
 forsooth ! The lad talks of his heart ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Wil. Of course I do. I have a precious secret there, / can tell 
 you. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! a precious secret ! You vagabond ! 
 
 Wil. Don't you believe it? Oh, uncle, if you only knew — 
 {Pauses.) 
 
 U. R. Knew what? Come, come, Willie, don't be a fool. 
 
 Wil. A fool ! Uncle Robert, you 're real mean. 
 
 U. R. Fol de rol ! 'Pon my word ! So your head 's turned with 
 novel-reading already, is it? 
 
 Wil. {sentimentally). Ah ! does it need novels to excite emotions 
 of love in the susceptible heart ? 
 
8 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT 1 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, La ! This is too much. Tell me, lad, have you se- 
 lected your sweetheart yet? 
 
 Wil. If you '11 promise not to tell — 
 
 U. R. I'm all curiosity ! 
 
 Wil. Promise me you '11 never tell. 
 
 U. R. Well, I promise. Now for it ; — who is she? 
 
 Wil. {whispering). Miss Carlyle. 
 
 U. R. What ! Why, you little demon ! 
 
 Wil. Oh, Uncle Robert, who can control the aspirations of his 
 heart ? She is so beautiful ! Her bright blue eyes beam with such 
 rays df heaven ! Her liquid voice is such enchanting music ! 
 
 U. R. Stop, stop ! Ha, ha, ha ! And what does Miss Carlyle say 
 to this ? Does she accept your addresses ? 
 
 Wil. Uncle Robert, do you think I could have the courage to 
 breathe a syllable of it to her ? No, no ; it 's enough for me to wor- 
 ship her in silence. Oh, uncle ! I love her so deeply ! I could die 
 for her I — I could strew her path with roses, lilies, violets ! — I 
 could — ( Walks theatrically to l.) 
 
 IT. R. {seizing his ear). Rascal ! I 've got you ! 
 
 Wil. Ow I ow ! ow ! Uncle Robert, let go ! 
 
 IT. R. You 're the thief! — you stole our flowers, sir. 
 
 Wil. Hush ! don't speak so loud. No, no, I didn't. It wasn't 
 I, at all. 
 
 IT. R. {dropping his voice). It is you, sir. It can be nobody else. 
 
 Wil. I assure you. Uncle Robert — 
 
 [J. R. Fiddle de dee ! don't fib. You can't get off. Now, I '11 
 not tell of you this time ; but if ever you do so again, — if I find a 
 single bud gone, — I '11 expose you to your father. Now mind. 
 
 Wil. Oh, Uncle Bob ! you couldn't be so mean. 
 
 U. R. Besides, you scamp, it would be better if you 'd attend 
 more to your Cicero, and leave story-books to your elders. Bring 
 me that book you spoke of, sir, at once. I 've heard of it before. 
 
 Wil. {coaxing). Uncle Robert, you '11 help me along with father 
 now, won't you? Alas ! I shan't see her at dinner for three whole 
 days. But her image is printed on my heart ! I will think of her, 
 and be happy ! {Coaxing) Uncle Robert, that about the flowers, 
 now, is a secret, you know. Father has so much to do, it would be 
 too bad to trouble him with that. Now, remember, I've told you 
 my secret. Your heart is too noble, too generous, to betray it. Be 
 sure not to tell ; — you 've promised. Good bye. 
 
 [Exit, running, c. d. 
 
 IT. R. Hallo, good-for-u aught ! where now ? Clever lad, Willie. 
 So full of life and spirit. And so he 's in love. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 {Sadly) Ah, it's a delightful feeling! Heigh-ho! William will be 
 more plucky than I was, I fancy. I never could quite make up my 
 mind ; so now I 'm nothing but a tedious, tiresome old bachelor. 
 Rather early for the boy. Trouble may come of it. No, no ; no 
 danger. An early love affair is an excellent thing for a boy like him, 
 — keeps him steady, and all that. However, I'll keep my eye oq 
 him. 
 
 Pat. {putting her head in at R. h. 2 e.) Hsh ! — uncle ! 
 
 U. R. {looking round). Eh? 
 
SOLNE I.] love's labor SAVED. 8 
 
 Pal. Hush! Has father gone out? 
 
 U. R. What now? Yes. 
 
 Pai. {running down). Oh, I 'm so thankful ! 
 
 U. R. What 's the matter ? 
 
 Pat. I want to make you my. confidant. 
 
 U. R. Confidant ? 
 
 Pat. Yes. {JSTods vehemently.) 
 
 U. R. Indeed ! Very well. 
 
 Pat. I'm — afraid — you '11 laugh, uncle. 
 
 U. R. What? 
 
 Pat. Must I speak? 
 
 U. R. Why, my dear, if you want to make me your confidant, 
 I *m afraid you must. 
 
 Pat. Is it possible you can't guess? 
 
 U. R. Guess? Not I. How should I guess ? 
 
 Pat. Heigh-ho '. 
 
 U. R. Indeed, my dear, I'm not given to guessing ; and if you 
 won't speak — 
 
 Pat, Well, if I must, then — Turn away your head. ^ Whis- 
 pers) I 'm in love. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! In love ! 
 
 Pat. {stopping his mouth). Don't speak so loud. 
 
 U. R. You — in love ! 
 
 Pat. (pettishly). Yes, Uncle Robert, I 'm in love. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! Let 's take a look at you, and see how you 
 look when you 're in love. 
 
 Pat. Pooh, uncle I how unkind you are ! 
 
 U. R. Nay, darling, all the good we old folks can get out of you 
 young lovers is the fun of a little banter. Well, who 's the happy 
 man? 
 
 Pat. Now, Uncle Robert — 
 
 U. R. Well. 
 
 Pat. Have you, really and truly, observed nothing? 
 
 U. R . Nothing whatever. 
 
 Pat. {whispering). Julius. 
 
 U. R. Julius? 
 
 Pat. Mr, Brownjohn I 
 
 U. R. Oh 1 ah ! — he 's Julius, is he? I wasn't aware. Hem ! 
 — ha ! — yes. Well ; handsome fellow, Brownjohn. I 've often no- 
 ticed him. 
 
 Pat. Oh, thank you, uncle, thank you. He is handsome, isn't 
 he? 
 
 IT. R. But stop, Patty ; seems to me that since Miss Carlyle has 
 been with us, he 's been showing her a great deal of attention. How 'a 
 that? 
 
 Pat. That 's a part of our plan. 
 
 U. R. Ehl 
 
 Pat. Yes ; you see, uncle, we 've been acquainted with each other 
 ever so long, — six weeks, — and engaged three. He 's a young 
 merchant, and not very well off yet, though he has enough to satisfy 
 me, I 'm sure. So we 've never ventured to tell father yet ; for he 's 
 so prejudiced, you know. He says I shall never marry any on« 
 
10 UNCLE KOBEET ; OE, [ACT 1 
 
 whose fortune is n't as large as the one he means to give me. So, 
 what can we do ? 
 
 U. R. It 's a difficult question for a pair of young lovers, 'faith. 
 
 Pat. Now, dear, darling uncle, do give us your advice. 
 
 U. R. Well, but I don't know what advice to give you. What 
 can 1 do for you ? Now, if I h;id any money — 
 
 Pai. No, no, not that. We want you to prepare father to learn 
 our engagement, — let fall a word or two, now and then, about what 
 a fine fellow Julius is, you know. He is a fine fellow, uncle, really. 
 
 U. R. Indeed I Is it possible ? 
 
 Pat. Yes, re:dly and truly ; — that is — on one single point — 
 I 'm not quite — 
 
 U. R. Eh ? 
 
 Pat. I'll tell you the whole story, uncle. You see, it might ex- 
 cite father's suspicions to see Julius coming here every day or two, 
 you know ; so we agreed he should pretend to be devoting himself to 
 Miss Carlyle. 
 
 U. R. Oho ! that 's the reason, is it? But that was very naughty 
 in you, Patty. 
 
 Pat. But it seems to me, sometimes, as if — as if — 
 
 U. R. {(avghing). As if he played his part too well, eh? 
 
 Pat. And have you observed it too ? Then my suspicions were 
 correct. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! Patty, jealous already ! 
 
 Pat. Oh, no. Uncle Robert, not jealous in the least. But still, 
 Louisa is such a flirt — 
 
 U. R. {shaking his head). Louisa a flirt! Oh, fye, Patty! take 
 care — take care. 
 
 Pat. Yes, uncle, a dreadful flirt. Oh dear ! I see you *ve taken 
 her into f ivor, like all the rest. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! true, Patty, true ; she 's bewitched us all, I 
 believe.' 
 
 Pat. And can you laugh and joke, uncle, when I 'm in such a 
 state of anxiety to obtain your advice and assistance? 
 
 U. R. Nay, darling ; what would you have me do ? 
 
 Pat. Oh, uncle, you must help us all you possibly can. Watch 
 Miss Carlyle, and teii me if you make any discoveries. And if Julius 
 and I should happen to want a tele a tele — 
 
 U. R. You expect me to give you the opportunity 1 Child, child, 
 it goes against my conscience. 
 
 Pat. No, no, no, it doesn't, if you really mean to help us. I 
 shall never be happy in this world without my .Julius. Dear fellow ! 
 Father will oppose our marriage only through his prejudices ; and 
 you know. Uncle Robert, how very unreasonable prejudiced people 
 are. 
 
 U. R. (aside). How cunningly the little serpent argues ! Minx ! 
 
 Pat. {coaxingiy). I knew I shouldn't be deceived, in making you 
 my confidant, uncle. You '11 help us, now, won't you? 
 
 U. R. Hush ; I hear your father coming. 
 
 Pat. Quick, uncle, your hand on it. 
 
 U. R. You torment ! how dare you ? Don't hurry me. 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 11 
 
 Pat. Your hand, your hand! Promise to keep our secret, and 
 help us. 
 
 U. R. Well — *here. 
 
 Pat. Oh, thanks, Uncle Robert, thanks! i)ear, darling uncle! 
 ^ovf eveiyihing will go right. \_Exit R. 2 E. 
 
 U. B. Humph !— Brownjohn ! Well, I I'ver heard anything 
 against him. The little snake is right, — he i father is brimful of 
 prejudices. Well, well, well, 1 '11 see what I c*-ni do for her. 
 
 Enter Grampus, l. d., hat and catu in hand. 
 
 Gr. {speaking off ). Good-bye, Edward. Yo i understand my ar- 
 rangements. Pleasant journey to you ! {Com*, forward.) Edward 
 is getting ready the necessary articles, and star*', immediately. 
 
 U. R. Very good. {Aside) Poor fellow ! 
 
 Gr. The directions I gave you, a few minuter sipce — 
 
 U. R. Shall be attended to ; depend on me (Grampus goes up 
 C, and comes down R.) 
 
 Gr. By the way, uncle, I feel like making yoi my confidant. 
 
 U. R. Confidant! Ha, ha, ha! This mwkes number three! 
 Ha, ha ! 
 
 Gr. Three what? 
 
 U. R. Hem ! hem ! — I mean you 've made me your confidant 
 twice already. Hem ! 
 
 Gr. Ah! have I? Ha, ha! true. Come, uncle, in confidence, 
 now, what's your opinion — hem! — your opinion of — our n«w 
 housekeeper ? 
 
 U. R. Miss Carlyle ? 
 
 Gr. Yes. {Simpers.) 
 
 U. R. Well, she does well enough ; — I think means well. And 
 she 's quite pretty, too ; eh ? 
 
 Gr. Pretty ! Is that all ? She 's lovely. Single, — perfectly 
 lovely ? 
 
 U. R. Hallo! I say, Grampus — 
 
 Gr. Observe her delicate foot, her taper waist, her soft hand ! 
 and what a neck and shoulders she has ! and what a swan-like walk ! 
 Eh? 
 
 U. R. Why, Grampus! Grampus! 
 
 Gr. I see what you 're thinking about. Well, you can't say I 'm 
 not in the prime of life. Single. I — I — in fact, uncle, I begin to 
 think I 'm much taken by her. 
 
 U. R. {bursting out laughing). Ha, ha, ha ! Father and son ! 
 {i.'laps his hand to his mouth.) 
 
 Gr. {seizing his arm). Have you noticed it too ? 
 
 U. R. Noticed what too ? I've noticed nothing. 
 
 Gr. Why, that Edward is always casting sheep's eyes at her? 
 
 U. R. Edward ! {Aside) Phew ! 
 
 Gr. Ay Ed.vard. My eyes aie sharp yet, I tell you. He 's fall- 
 ing in love mth her, heels over head ; so it 's high time I packed him 
 jff to Cottonville. 
 
 U. R. So ! — so that was the reason ? 
 
 Gr. Well — hem ! — not the only reason — 
 
 U. R. To get a rival out of the way ! Ha, ha ! 
 
12 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT I. 
 
 Gr. A rival ! Pooh, pooh ! However — 
 
 (J. R. You were saying — however — 
 
 Gr. Yes — hem ! hem ! — I ' ve made no fixed plan as yet ; but — 
 Come, Single, say, yourself; — here am I, strong, hale, and hearty, 
 and fifty years old. I 've worked like a horse, all my life. Who 
 has any right to object, if I begin to think, now, of enjoying myself 
 a little? 
 
 U. R. No one, no one, surely. 
 
 Gr. Well, to do that, one must have a companion, you know. 
 
 U. R. No doubt, no doubt. Heigh-ho ! 
 
 Gr. I 'm rich ; and I don't care a fig for what the world will say, 
 you know. 
 
 U. R. To be sure. So then, you mean to marry Miss Carlyle, 
 and — 
 
 Gr. Pooh, pooh ! not so fast. There 's no so then about it. It 's 
 a possibility only, so far. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! Grampus, you 've said quite enough. 
 
 Gr. {slapping him on the back). Ha, ha! I've said nothing yet, 
 ancle. But I want j'ou to find out what she thinks of me, if you can. 
 Sound her sentiments a little ; — you understand ; — discover if her 
 aflections are engaged to any one else. 
 
 U. R. I '11 do it, Grampus, — I '11 do it. It's the easiest thing 
 in the world, I 've no doubt. These young girls never know how to 
 keep a secret like us old folks. They 've no experience, — no caution. 
 I '11 pump her. 
 
 Gr. Good! good! Now, one word more. This Brownjohn, who's 
 been coming and going, here, for the last six weeks. I know nothing 
 against the fellow, and I believe he stands fair as a merchant. But 
 hang him, he shows a great deal too much attention in this quarter. 
 
 U. R. Eh ? not to Louisa ? 
 
 Gr. Of course. Why do you start ? 
 
 U. R. Oh, I — I thought — 
 
 Gr. Not my daughter ! By George ! if I thought that, I 'd soon 
 put a spoke in his wheel. ( Walks about. ) 
 
 U. R. No, no, no, no. I 've noticed as much myself, lately. He 
 is very devoted to Miss Carlyle, no doubt. 
 
 Gr. Well, so you think so, too? What shall we do about it ? If 
 you could give a little caution to Miss Carlyle, — let ftxll a word in 
 my favor, now and then ; praise my kindness of heart, — my sweet- 
 ness of disposition — 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! Ay, ay ; trust me for that. 
 
 Gr. Now, Single, I depend on you. Keep an eye on Brownjohn, 
 too ; and above all, be as secret as the grave. 
 
 U. R. I will, I will ; depend on it. 
 
 Gr. Good! (Shakes his hand.) Uncle, if all goes well, you 
 shall never regret it, I promise you. [Exit c. i>. 
 
 U. R. Queer family, this, 'pon my word ! Ha, ha, ha! The son 
 in love, the daughter in love, and the father in love. What a wry 
 face William will make, wh<3n his sweetheart becomes his mother-in- 
 law ! It '11 read like Don Carlos. However, he 's a mere lad. He '11 
 Boon get over it. If Edward had been the one, now — So he sends 
 the poor fellow off to Cottonville, out of pure jealousy. Too bad ! 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 18 
 
 too bid ! Ay, he 's a tyrant to his children, so he is. His sweetness 
 of disposition, forsooth! Ha, ha! Hem! — he's about right, 
 though ; — I begin to like Miss Carlyle as well as the rest of 'em ; 
 and if I thought she could take a fancy to me — 
 
 Ji^ liter Edward and Louisa, l. d. — Edward comes forward^ L. 
 
 Ah ! what now? Well, Ned, ready to start 1 
 
 Ed. Uncle, before I go, I want to make you my confidant. 
 
 U.. R. What I you too? Is all the world going to make me its 
 confidant? Are you in love, too, you dog? 
 
 Ed. Worse yet, uncle. Hush ! I 'm married. 
 
 U. R. Married! — you married ! This is a finisher ! You mar- 
 ried! 
 
 Ed Hush ! — not so loud ! Yes, for the last three months. 
 
 U. R. Three months! {^Whispers) And to whom, you unlucky 
 fellow, — to whom ? 
 
 Ed. {Icadinij forward Louisa), To this young lady. 
 
 U. R. {falling into a chair). Miss Carlyle ! Married ! 
 
 Ed. Louisa, this good gentleman will take care of you while I am 
 away. Trust to him without fear. 
 
 Lou. {tenderly, x to c.) You despise me, Mr. Single ; and with 
 gmd reason. ( Weeps.) 
 
 U. R. This is a terrible business ! Your father, poor boy — 
 
 Ed. He '11 be reconciled, by and by, I 'm certain. 
 
 U. R. And William— (x to c.) 
 
 Ed. What? 
 
 U. R. And Brownjohn — 
 
 Ed. What has he to do with it ? 
 
 U. R. And Patty — Oh, I shall go crazy ! 
 
 Ed. What do you mean by Patty, and Brownjohn, and — 
 
 U. R. Eh ? Good gracious ! I never mentioned 'em. 
 
 Ed. What has Brownjohn to do with my wife ? 
 
 U. R. Oh, nothing, nothing, of course. Hem ! My brain is in 
 a perfect whirl. Let me get a little composed, for goodness' sake ! 
 
 Ed. But tell me ! 
 
 U. R. I can't. I 've promised secrecy. 
 
 Ed. Secrecy ! About what ? 
 
 U. R. I should let it out, if I told you. What do you want me to 
 do? 
 
 Ed. First promise to be secret. 
 
 U. R. Oh dear me ! that 's just what all the others said. 
 
 Ed. Others! What others? And what has Brownjohn to do 
 with us ? You terrify me. 
 
 U. R. Nothing, nothing ; honor bright. Your wife ! Well, well ! 
 How grandly it sounds! Ned, lad, I've long been wishing you 'd 
 .biing a nice little wife into the family. It '11 cheer us up, when the 
 little picaniuuios — Nay, nay, my dear, don't be vexed. {Lifts 
 her head.) Excellent, Ned, excellent ! You 've shown your taste. 
 IjOu. I entreat, Mr. Single — 
 
 U. R. Nay, darling, oblige me by forgetting my surname. Un- 
 cle — everybody calls me uade ; and you must. But, children, wnai 
 
14 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [aCT I 
 
 will be the end of this ? There '11 be a terrible explosion, when youi 
 father hears of it. 
 
 Ed. For the present, then, he mustn't hear of it. All I ask now 
 is your protection for my wife. My going to Cottonville has disar- 
 ranged all my pl.tns. 
 
 U. R. Tell me, at once, Ned, how it all came about. 
 
 Ed. Very simply. I came to know Louisa, while managing fa- 
 ther's business at Detroit ; and knowing I should never obtain father's 
 consent, I persuaded her to consent to a secret marriage. 
 
 Lou. And 1 was weak enough to be persuaded. Oh, Mr. Single ! 
 you will scorn me— ^ 
 
 U. R. Uncle, I tell you, child, — uncle. Scorn you? Make 
 your mind easy, my dear. I 've seen too much of human nature to 
 scorn any one very easily. Go on, Ned. 
 
 Ed. We had been married about two months, when father sud- 
 denly summoned me home. At the same time, Louisa's mother, a 
 widow, died. What could I do? I knew no family in which to 
 place her ; and the thought of separation, at a time when her sor- 
 rows made her all the more dependent on me, drove me half wild. 
 I smuggled her into this house, as housekeeper, therefore ; partly to 
 be constantly near her, and partly, I confess, in hopes that her ami- 
 ability of character — 
 
 Lou. Edward ! — 
 
 Ed. Might attract father. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! it has, — it has. Ha, ha, ha! {Claps his 
 hand to his mouth.) 
 
 Ed. What do you mean 1 Explain. 
 
 U. R. That is — yes — he 's spoken very favorably of you, my 
 dear, — very favorably indeed. 
 
 Lou. Really '? — really 1 Oh, I 'm so glad ! 
 
 U. R. Trust her to me, Ned ; trust her to me. 
 
 Ed. Thank you, uncle. One word more. I 'm not to be allowed 
 to come home oftener than on e a fortnight ; and yet I can't bear to 
 be separated so long from Louisa. 
 
 U. R. (inriocenily). Well, my son — 
 
 Ed. That little cottage in the garden, where your room is. Uncle 
 Robert, is a capital place for a tete a tete. 
 
 U. R. Why, you young villain ! 
 
 Ed. My wife will let me know by letter the evenings she is disen- 
 gaged. Cottonville is only twenty miles from here, you know. My 
 horse can easily do it in a couple of hours. She comes to your room 
 through the garden, you see, and I get through the little door in the 
 wall. I 've had a key made. In that way I can talk with my little 
 wife, without anybody's knowing it. . 
 
 U. R. {aside). How cleverly the scamp has laid his plans ! 
 
 Ed. Then you agree, uncle 1 
 
 IT. R. Child, child, what are you thinking of? My duty to your 
 f;\ther ; my conscience. Such actions as these ! No, no ; it 's out of 
 the question, — out of the question. 
 
 Lou. Dearest uncle — 
 
 U. R. Little tease ! 
 
 Ed. You '11 keep our secret, of course. 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 15 
 
 U. R. Hem ! — well, well, T can't say. 
 
 Lou. You 're too kind-hearted to betray us, I 'm sure, uncle. 
 
 U. JR. You little monkey ! Well, I suppose I must submit. 
 
 Lou. and Ed. Hurrah ! hurrah ! 
 
 Ed. (x to Louisa). Louisa, dearest, everything will go well now, 
 I'm sure. I'm happier than I've been for a week past. {Kisses 
 her.) Keep up your spirits, dear one. I shall see you soon. 
 
 JJ. R. {aside, wiping his mouth). I might have done that once. 
 Old ass! why did n't you have a little more pluck 1 {iSlaps his 
 forehead.) 
 
 Ed. Well, my mind 's at ease, now. Good-bye, Uncle Robert ; — 
 see you again soon. { Going.) Stay; — Louisa, dear, your UncU 
 Bob ; — acknowledged niece, now. Give him a kiss, to prove your 
 gratitude. 
 
 U. R. Ah ! 
 
 Lou. Will you let me. Uncle Robert? 
 
 U. R. Oh ! 
 
 Lou. {kissing him). This, with all my heart! 
 
 Ed. {drawing her away). Now come. Good-bye, uncle, — good- 
 bye. lExeunt c. d. 
 
 U. R. {shutting his eyes). By George ! lips like velvet ! Zounds, 
 how sweet ! As clever a lad as ever I saw ; and she 's a charming 
 girl. But his father. Bless my soul ! — and William, too. Ha, ha, 
 ha ! — and Brownjohn — and Patty — and the flowers — and the 
 Calcutta goods — and the school business — and the jealousy — The 
 deuce ! I 'm so cram full of secrets I shall certainly blurt out some- 
 thing. What a complication! I shall go crazy. Thank Heaven, 
 there 's no one else in the house to tell me a secret. 
 
 Servant {opening door, R. H.) Mr. Single — 
 
 U. R. {starting, and seizing him by the collar). Rascal ! have 
 you a secret, too 1 — Do you want to make me your confidant 1 — 
 Are you in love, too ? 
 
 Ser. Yes, sir. 
 
 U. R. With whom, villain? Speak, villain! — with whom? 
 
 Ser. With the cook, sir. 
 
 U. R. {letting him go). Oh ! ah ! Ha, ha, ha ! lucky fellow. 
 
 Ser. Dinner 's ready, sir. [Exit D. R. 
 
 U. R. I began to think he 'd fallen in love with Miss Carlyle, too. 
 Ha, ha, ha! {Sits.) 
 
 END OF ACT I. 
 
16 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT II 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE I. — A garden. — House at left. — Wall at back of garden, 
 — Street beyond. — Practical gale in wall. — At "r.^ fronts a rut- 
 tic arbor ^ containing table and seat. — A statue and shrubbery. 
 
 Enter Grampus and Uncle Robert, r. 3 e. 
 
 U. R .'l. c.) Grampus, it needs the stomach of a steam-engine, to 
 walk like this, after one's dinner. Don't you know that, at your age % 
 You seem in low spirits. Didn't your dinner please you ? 
 
 Gr. {growling). Not a bit. 
 
 U. R. Dear me ! I '11 speak to the cook instantly. { Going.) 
 
 Gr. Pooh ; nonsense ; she 's not in fault. Have you kept your eye 
 on that infernal puppy ? 
 
 U.R. What puppy? William's'? 
 
 Gr. Pshaw ! no ; I mean that brute BroAvnjohn. 
 
 U.R. Oh! ah!— hem! 
 
 Gr. Pie ogles Louisa the whole time ; and he has an infernal knack 
 at complimenting. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha ! he knows what he 's about. [Aside, putting hand to 
 mouth) 'Gad, just saved the secret that time. 
 
 Gr. I tell you, Single, he's in love with the girl ; and I'd like to 
 kick him out of my house. Single, you '11 teU me I 'm an old fool, 
 perhaps — 
 
 U.R. I? Heaven forbid. 
 
 Gr. ( in his ear) . I'm really jealous of that beast of a Brownjohn. 
 
 U. R. Jealous ! Ha, ha, ha ! My dear sir, you may make your 
 mind perfectly easy on that score. No danger, I assure you. [Put- 
 ting hand to moath) Ass that I am ! 
 
 Gr. How so ? What do you mean ? 
 
 U. R. I mean — I mean — yes — Louisa does n't seem to care for 
 him in the least, as far as I can see. 
 
 Gr. I hope you 're right, with all my heart. By the way, it 's 
 struck me she 's been low-spirited, — absent-minded, as it were, — 
 these last tlirce days. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha ! of course she has. [Puts hand to mouth) Fool ! — 
 ass ! 
 
 Gr. What? Why of course? 
 
 U. R. I mean — that is — you see — I mean, so many things have 
 to be sent to Ned, that her hands have been full of work the whole 
 time. 
 
 Gr. Ay, ay; that indeed. Very likely. Hark'e, Single, I've 
 been thinking over what I said the other day, and I've made up my 
 mind. Sound Louisa's feelings, and if you find her well-inclined to 
 me, whv — then — 
 
 U. Pi You '11 many her? 
 
 Gr. Hush; not so loud. If you find she doesn't quite hate me, 
 give her this note. [Gives note.) I '11 have a quiet <efe a fefe with her 
 myself, after she 's read it. Write the address on it, if you think best 
 Be cautious, however, and don't betray my secret. 
 
8CENB I.] love's LABOR SAVED. 17 
 
 U. R. Ay, ay, cousin ; have no fear. I '11 be a perfect fox. 
 
 Gr. jNIy fate 's in your hands. The ladies will soon be out here. 
 Perhaps you '11 find an opportunity then. 
 
 U.R. Good. I '11 sound her. ' 
 
 Gr. Very well ; then, I '11 leave you. { Going. — Comes hack.) By 
 the way. Single, that flower-stealing has n't stopped yet. Last night 
 some of the finest roses in the garden were taken. 
 
 U. R. Ila ! The graceless little scamp ! 
 
 Gr. What? 
 
 U. R. Oh, noth — nothing. 
 
 Gr. I understood you to say — 
 
 U. R. Oh no, I did n't — notliing of the kind. 
 
 Gr. You said scamp, I thought. 
 
 U. R. Oh no. You misunderstood me. 
 
 Gr. Single, I 'm convinced you know who the thief is. You Ve 
 betrayed yourself. 
 
 U. R. Pooh, pooh, Grampus ! — pooh, pooh ! 
 
 Gr. You do know, I 'm certain. 
 
 U. R. Why, Grampus — since you — to say the truth — (Pauses.) 
 
 Gr. What must I infer 1 And I don't understand William's ab- 
 sence from dinner, for the last three days. He tells me he has your 
 permission. Is that so 1 
 
 U. R. Hem ! — hem ! — yes — you see, my dear Grampus — 
 
 Enter WiJjIAXM, from house, running across garden. 
 
 Gr. William ! William, I say ! Come here, sir. 
 
 Wil. {down c.) Did you call me, father? 
 
 Gr. Yes sir, distinctly. Explain your absence from dinner, lately, 
 at once. Come. 
 
 Wil. Why, sir — the fact is — Uncle Eobert — 
 
 Gr. Tell the truth, sir. No secrets from me. No lies to your fa- 
 ther, sir. 
 
 Wil. Of course not, sir. Why, sir — Oh, father — 
 
 Gr. There's something behind, here, (x to c.) Single, what has 
 William been doing ? What 's wrong 1 
 
 U. R. Well, well. Grampus, I 've made little Will, here, go with- 
 out his dinner for three days, as a punishment. There. 
 
 Gr. A punishment? His master has been complaining of him 
 again, has he ? I '11 keep my word, then, sir. You shall go to a 
 boarding-school. 
 
 Wil. Oh, father ! — Uncle Robert ! ( Whispers. ) 
 
 U. R. No, no, no, his master has n't said word. 
 
 Gr. What is it, then ? I insist on knowing. What did you pun- 
 ish him ibr ? 
 
 U' R. Because he stole the flowers. 
 
 Gr. William? 
 
 Wil. Oh, Uncle Robert ! 
 
 U. R. I found him out, Grampus, and punished him myself, to 
 save you the trouble. That 's the whole story. 
 
 Gr. So, William, you are the thief 
 
 U. R. Pooh, Grampus, say no more about it. He 's been punished 
 enough ; and the thing 's gone by, now. (A pause.) 
 2» 
 
18 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT II 
 
 Gr. Let it pass, then, this time. Never let it happen again, sir. 
 {Draws Uncle Robert aside.) Play your cards well, now, Single. 
 
 {Exit R. 3 E. 
 
 U. R. {wiping forehead). Phew! that job made me sweat! 
 
 Wil. But, Uncle Robert, you promised not to tell ; and you 've 
 just let out the whole to father. It 's real mean. 
 
 U. R. My lad, I couldn't help it. Secrets are crawling all over 
 me, like catterpillars over an apple-tree. One will drop off now and 
 then. Besides, you scamj), you stole more flowers only last night. 
 {Seizes him.) 
 
 Wil. No, I didn't, uncle, really and truly. 
 
 U. R. Hush ; don't lie. Lying boys never prosper. When your 
 father told me that, the whole thing popped out. You Ve only your- 
 self to thank for it. 
 
 Wil. Well, after all, I'm glad it's no worse. Perhaps it's better 
 as it is, after all, 
 
 U. R. Yes, rascal, I 've lied you out of your scrape this time. I 
 won't do so again. 
 
 Wil. {coaxinghj). Uncle Robert, please tell me your secrets. 
 
 U. R. Mind your business, you inquisitive scamp. {Aside) It will 
 never do for me to be so absent-minded. Bless me ! several of my 
 secrets have almost slipped out already. \Exit into house, l. 
 
 Wil. So, that 's found out. And shall Louisa have no more flow- 
 ers 1 Pooh ! who 's afraid ? The garden is locked at eight, but I can 
 climb over the wall, for I did it last night. Ha, ha ! the affair is grow- 
 ing exciting. I wish I knew some trick to play off on that scoundi-el 
 Brownjohn. He can't keep his eyes off Louisa. I'd like to throw 
 sand in 'em, hang him ! He must annoy her excessively. I '11 go 
 and get the boat ready. Perhaps she would like a row on the pond. 
 
 [Exit L. 2 B. 
 
 Enter Brownjohn, yrom gate, c. 
 
 Brownjohn {reading from a note-booh). 
 
 May I dare to hope, sioeet creature. 
 That what I see in every feature 
 
 Is true, anrl Tarn hived? 
 Or have I erred in so believing, 
 And is thy manner but deceiving? 
 
 By scorn art only moved ? 
 
 No, in those eyes where teardrops swelly 
 Truth, only truth can dare to dwell ; 
 
 I feel that thou art m.ine. 
 High, higher ytt my pulses flout ; 
 Away with every anxious doubt ! 
 
 I feel a bliss divine ! 
 
 There, for a chap who never wrote a line of poetry in his life, that 'a 
 not so bad. They've made my head ache like the devil, but they '11 
 please Patty. Where can she be ? She promised to meet me here. 
 {Sits in arbor.) My position here is intolerable. Compelled to make 
 love to the housekeeper, to hood-wink the father ; and yet Patty is as 
 jealous as a cat, and drives me crazy with her suspicions. It 's really 
 cruel to Miss Carlyle, now, — really it is. She might very easily fall 
 in love with mc, and, when she finds out the real state of things, die 
 of a broken heart. I should never forgfive myself, never. 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 19 
 
 Enter Louisa, with embroidery in hand. 
 
 Lou. [seeing Brownjohn). What, you here, IVIi*. Bl•o^^^ljohu 1 
 
 Br. Ah, good day, Miss Carlyle. Always at work, I see. 
 
 Lo'd. I suppose you came to this shady arbor for a nap 1 
 
 Br. {coming forward). A nap ? How can anyone think of napping 
 
 in a house where your delightful presence — 
 
 Lou. Fye, sir ; reserve your compliments for a certain young lady 
 
 who cares more for them than I do. 
 
 Enter Tatty, from house. — She draws back. 
 
 Br. Whom do you mean 1 
 
 Lou. Do you think, seriously, you can deceive me ? As tf I did n*t 
 see the real meaning of all your fine speeches. Ha, ha ! a little more 
 sincerity will do you no liarm, Mr. Brownjohn. 
 
 Br. Miss Carlyle, I assure you — 
 
 Lou. No, no, assure me notliing. Perjury is very wicked. 
 
 Br. Please explain — 
 
 L>ou. No ; of what use 1 You understand me very well. Besides, 
 I 've no time to spare. I must leave you now. 
 
 Br. Alas ! why so soon 1 
 
 Lou. I find I 've forgotten my pattern. [Exit into house. 
 
 Br. Can't I get it? {-Sees Patty, who advances.) Ah! dearest 
 Patty ! 
 
 Pat. Delightful, sir. You play your part so very well, one can 
 almost believe you in earnest. 
 
 Br. Patty! 
 
 Pat. (l.) .1 left you scarcely five minutes ago, and here you are 
 making love to Miss Carlyle aheady, 
 
 Br. The merest accident. 
 
 Pat. Oh, of course. Accidents happen most conveniently, some- 
 sometimes. 
 
 Br. But Miss Carlyle came to me. 
 
 Pat. So much the worse, sir. 
 
 Br. Patty, how can you imagine — 
 
 Pat. I must believe what I see with my own eyes, sir. 
 
 Br. {coldly). They deceive you greatly. Miss Grampus. 
 
 Pat. Deceive me 1 Did you speak a single word to me all dinner- 
 time? 
 
 Br. No. 
 
 Pat. Didn't you talk with Miss Carlyle the whole time 1 
 
 Br. Yes. 
 
 Pat. Did n't you constantly exchange glances with her ? 
 
 Br. No. 
 
 Pat. What ! you didn't look at her, I suppose. _ 
 
 Br. I did, but that 's not exchanging glances with her. 
 
 I^2t. Oh, how clever we are, all of a sudden. Did you look at me 
 once ? 
 
 Br. Yes, indeed, very often. 
 
 Pat. You did n't. 
 
 Br. Indeed I did ; but you refused me a single look. 
 
 Pat. Because you 're a traitor, — a base deceiver. You join Mi3» 
 Carlyle as soon as ever my back 's turned. 
 
L'O UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT II 
 
 Br. Patty, I cnnnot endure longer being the object of your ground 
 less suspicions. I will return when you are more calm, — morcjust. 
 
 Pat. Star, I command. So you refuse any explanation 1 
 
 Br. Yes.' 
 
 Pat. You refuse to justify your behavior ? 
 
 Br. I leave my justification, Patty, to your own good sense — and 
 to your heart. 
 
 Pat. [relentbig). Mr. BroAvnjohn — 
 
 Br. Your own sense must show you the painful nature of my posi- 
 tion here. I am compelled to feign for another the love I bear for 
 you. I am unskilled in deception, and consequently excite nothing 
 but suspicion on every side. 
 
 Pat. {more softly). Julius — 
 
 Br. And if you really love me, your own heart will furnish my best 
 apology. 
 
 Pat. Julius — 
 
 Br. It still beats fondly for me, I 'm sure, Patty, in spite of your 
 occasional fits of jealousy and ill-humor. 
 
 Pat. Julius, I forgive you. 
 
 Br. Ah, darling, thank you. How delightful, to see you reason- 
 able and charming once more ! 
 
 Pat. Very complimentary. You know, Julius, my jealousy only 
 proves my love. 
 
 Br. 'T is a strange love, dearest, which is always paining its object. 
 But I can endure this deception no longer. Can I never get a quiet 
 tete a the with you ^ 
 
 Pat. Fye, Julius ! how can you ? 
 
 Br. Dearest, where is the harm ? Lovers have had tete a tetes ever 
 since the world was made. 
 
 Pat. Oh dear ! ought I — 
 
 Br. Consider now, Patty ; how can we manage it ? 
 
 Pat. No, Julius, I cannot-^ Perhaps in uncle's cottage, yonder. 
 Fi.ther always goes out in the evening, and Uncle Robert is sure to be 
 at his chess-club. Oh, I 'm certain I shall die — Nobody will inter- 
 rapt us ; for the garden is locked at eight. The gardner will let me 
 in. Oh, Julius ! I can never, never do such a thing, — never. 
 
 Br. Capital! And I ? — 
 
 Pat. There 's a little door in the wall. I can open it from the in- 
 side. Oh, indeed, indeed, you must n't come, Julius. 
 
 Br. (kissing her hand). Charming! This evening, at eight, then, we 
 will decide how to overcome your father's prejudices. 
 
 Pat. My flither ! Oh, heavens ! a rock is more easily softened than 
 he is. Hush! I see him coming. {Points r.) Go to him, Juhus. 
 He must n't see us together, on any account. I '11 meet you again, by 
 the pond, perhaps. Go, go. 
 
 Br. All revoir. [Exit R. 3 E. 
 
 Pat. He 's a duck of a fellow, after all. I am frightfully cruel to 
 h_m. {Looks off.) He meets father — they are talking together — 
 they have turned. I '11 see where they go. [Exit k. 3 b. 
 
 Enter William, l. 2 e. 
 
 Wil. I could n't get the boat ; so Louisa must lose her sail. I wish 
 Patty did n't always insist on going with us. Oh, it must be heavenly 
 
BCENE I.] love's LABOR SAVED. 21 
 
 to float with Louisa adown the rippling stream. [Sees note-hooh on 
 table.) Ah ! what 's this ? ("ards — letters — "J. Brownjohn, Esq." 
 Oh, it's that wretch's. I mustn't meddle. Stop; what's this? 
 Poetry. {Reads it.) Oh! good, — first rate! Ha! can he have 
 mean! it for Louisa ? It must be. Oh, the villain ! [About to tear 
 it.) Stop ; a good idea ; — the be^t revenge I could have. I '11 give 
 it to Louisa myself. She '11 think I wrote it, and admire me im- 
 mensely ; and he '11 be cheated of it. Capital ! — two birds with one 
 stone. {Tears out verses, and throws note-book under table.) Hurrah! 
 wliat luck I [Exit, running. 
 
 Enter Patty, r. 3 e. 
 
 Pat. Tliej 've turned again, and are coming this way. They shall 
 find me in the arbor. {An embroidery -frame lies on table.) 
 
 Elder JjOTJIsx, from house, with pattern in hand. — She thrusts a letter in 
 
 her bosom. 
 
 Pat. {in arbor). Who can Miss Carlyle be working this embroidery 
 for ? She has no lover that I know of. Ha ! dreadful suspicion ! 
 Can it be for Julius ? 
 
 IjOu. {not seeing Fatty). Where can Mr. Single be ? He promised 
 to tak« charge of my letter ; and there 's no time to be lost. 
 ^ Pat. Hush ! There she is. As soon as I see her, all my suspi- 
 cions return at once. 
 
 Re-enter 'William, running, at side. — Re signals to Louisa, throws 
 paper at her feet, puts finger to lip, and exits. 
 
 Pat. What can this mean ? 
 
 Lou. {picking up paper). Verses ? 
 
 Pat. A letter ! I must see this. ( Coming out of arbor) So absorbed. 
 Miss Carlyle ? 
 
 Lou. {starting). Oh, how you frightened me ! I thought no one was 
 here. 
 
 Pat. (r.) No one likes to be disturbed, when they /)re/er to be alone, 
 of course. 
 
 Lou. (l., laughing). Have you ever observed. Miss Martha, that I 
 have a preference for solitude ? 
 
 Pat. Not at all times. Miss Carlyle ; but you will admit there are 
 moments when company is disagreeable. 
 
 Lou. Oh, certainly. 
 
 Pat. For instance, when one has a private note to read. 
 
 Lou. Ah, you saw it, then ? One of your brother William's writ- 
 ing-exercises. At least, I suppose so ; for if the verses arc his own he 
 has no great taste for poetry. 
 
 Pat. Verses ? 
 
 Lou. See for yourself? 
 
 Pat. {taking paper, and recognizing the hand). Ha! Tliis is abom- 
 inable ! 
 
 Lou. {shocked). What 's the matter '? 
 
 Pat. Hypocrite ! You are detected ! You may feign innocence, 
 but I see through your infamous schemes ! 
 
 Lou. IMiss Grampus, I do not understand you. 
 
22 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT II 
 
 Put. "What ! persist in your hypocrisy ! Shameless creature ' 
 Is n't this liis handwriting ? 
 
 Lou. Your brother's ^ 
 
 Pat. My ])rothers ! This is too much ! 
 
 Lou. You speak in riddles. 
 
 Pat. [walking about). Oh, wretch ! away with your airs of inno- 
 cence ! They deceive me no longer. But I '11 be revenged ! — yes, 
 my vengeance shall equal the contempt I feel for you both ! 
 
 Lou. (k.) Can you believe that your brother — a mere boy — 
 
 Pat. (l.) Yes, a mere boy; and so all the easier to be hood- 
 winked 
 
 Lou. Miss Grampus, this accusation — 
 
 Pat How should a mere boy like him know the disgrace of being 
 made a go-between ? 
 
 Lou. A go-between ? I understand you less than ever. 
 
 Pat. Ah ! here comes father and Mr. Brownjohn. Come here, gen- 
 tlemen, — come here. I have some wonderful poetry to read to you. 
 
 Enter Grampus and Brownjohn, r. 3 e. 
 
 Gr. Poetry, Martha ? Tor Heaven's sake, spare us the trash. 
 Pat. No, no, father ; listen. [Reads angrily) 
 
 *' May I dare to hope^ swtt creature^ 
 That what I see in every feature 
 Is true, and 1 am loved ? "' 
 
 Br. Ha ! what 's this ? [Feels in pockets.) 
 
 Pat. Oh, yes, sir, you may dare to hope. [Reads) 
 
 " Or have I erred in so believing, 
 And IS thy manner so deceiving ; 
 By scorn art only moved ? " 
 
 Br. Where did you get — 
 
 Pat. Oh, no, sir, you 've not en'ed in so believing. Her manner ia 
 not deceiving ; oh, no ! 
 
 Lou. [aside). I comprehend, now. 
 
 Gr. Oh, hush that non'sense. 
 
 Pat. No, no, father; hear the rest of it. [Reads) 
 
 " No ia those eyes where tear-drops swelly 
 Truth, only truth can dare to dwell. 
 I/rel that thou art mine.^' 
 
 No doubt you do, sir. [Reads) 
 
 " High, higher yet my pulses flout ; 
 Away with every anxious doubt; 
 I feel a b'iss divine ! " 
 
 How beautiful ! — "I feel a bliss divine ! " 
 
 (rr. Martha, these verses are execrable. 
 
 Pat. Hush, father; the author is close by. 
 
 Gr. What ! Mr. Brownjohn, are you the poet ? 
 
 Br. Your daughter, sir, has thi'own me into such embarrasment, 
 that — 
 
 Gr. A merchant writing poetical compositions like this ? Bad 
 sign, — bad sign. 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 23 
 
 Pat. Oh, father, it *s not at all surprising. So lovely a subject 
 might inspire the stupidest man in the Avorld. 
 
 Gr. What ? who is the subject ? 
 
 Pat. Miss Carlyle, sir. She is the object of this sentimental eflPii 
 sion. 
 
 Gr. Miss Carlyle ! Zounds, sir — 
 
 Br. I beg you, sir, let me say two words — 
 
 Pat. Why any words ? Your deeds speak too plainly. Miss Car- 
 lyle received these verses from — 
 
 Br. Not from me. 
 
 Pat. Not from you 1 No, but from your go-between, however. 
 
 Gr. What 1 This is a serious charge, Mr. Brownjohn. 
 
 Pat. Yes, father, William has been mean enough to act as go-be- 
 tween for Mr. Brownjohn. 
 
 Gr. Zounds, Mr. Brownjohn ! such conduct as this — 
 
 Br. Give me a moment to explain, sir. 
 
 Gr. Speak, sir ; speak, at once. 
 ' Br. (x to Louisa). Miss Carlyle, it gives me much pain to see you 
 suspected in this unpleasant aiFah- ; but it is in your power to explain 
 the mystery in one word. 
 
 Lou. Sir, to these accusations against my character, my proper 'de- 
 fence is to preserve silence. Any other course would be inconsistent 
 with my own self-respect. 
 
 Gr. Martha, have you dared to accuse Miss Carlyle ? 
 
 Pai. Father, on my honor I saw William give these verses to Miss 
 Carlyle. I think, for the reputation of our family — 
 
 Br. Miss Grampus, the imputation that I have assailed the repu- 
 tation of your family is one which I cannot submit to in silence. ^ I 
 declare, on my honor, that these verses were not sent by mo to Miss 
 Carlyle, and were never intended for her. They were in my note- 
 book, which I must have left on the table, yonder, and have been 
 taken from it by some unauthorized hand. 
 
 Pat. (x, and hunting about table). I see no note- book. 
 
 Br. This, however, is the explanation of the whole affair, I 'm 
 sure. 
 
 Gr. But, Mr. Brownjohn, if these verses wfere not intended for Miss 
 Carlyle, for whom were they intended 1 
 
 Br. Mr. Grampus — that — that is a secret. 
 
 Lou. {aside to Patty). Doubtless for you. 
 
 Pat. Eh! What? 
 
 Gi: Hem ! — excuse me, Mr. Brownjohn, if your embarrassment 
 compels me to form an unfavorable view of your conduct. 
 
 Pat. {beginning to understand). Dear father, perhaps — 
 
 Gr. Silence, Martha ; this affair is far too delicate to be discussed 
 anv lonsi'er here. 
 
 'Br. You are right, Mr. Grampus. I will retire till this unhappy 
 misunderstanding shall have been cleared up. Good afternoon, sir. 
 
 [Exit through gate, c. 
 
 Gr. {sternly). Martha, you have probabl]^ been hasty ; but you have 
 developed a matter which I must examine into more closely. Go tell 
 William to come here at once. 
 
 Loa. Let me go, Mr. Grampus. 
 
24 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT TI 
 
 Gr. [tenderly). Let Martha go, if you please." [Sternly) Go, Mar- 
 tha. [Tenderly) I have a few words to saj to you, Miss Carlyle. 
 
 [Exit Patty, into Jwuse. 
 Now, my dear, be frank with me. What do you know of all this "* 
 
 Lou. (r.) It's a riddle to me, I assure you, sir. 
 
 Gr. Then Mr. Brownjohn did n't send these verses to you, ? 
 
 Lou. No, sir. 
 
 Gr. [tenderly). And you — you feel — pooh! you feel no regard 
 for him, eh 1 
 
 Lou. Mr. Grampus ! 
 
 Gr. Nay, nay, dear ; I 'm very glad to hear it. Yet it has seemed 
 to me as if — mere nonsense, of course — as if he 'd been paying you 
 very great attention, lately. 
 
 Lou. I never supposed them to be anything more than the usual 
 gallantry of youn^ men. 
 
 Gr. [very tendeny). Did you not ? I *m glad to hear it, — delighted 
 to hear it. Let 's change the subject. You 've noticed, of course, that 
 I am still sound and vigorous, — never ill ; in fact, still in the prime 
 of life 1 
 
 Lou. Oh, yes indeed, sir. Heaven keep you so, many, many years I 
 
 Gr. [very tenderly). i)o you wish so ? 
 
 Lou. Your whole household wishes so, sir ; and none of them more 
 fervently than I do. 
 
 Gr. Ah ! you are a dear, good girl, — an excellent, charming girl ; 
 and if — if — if your affections — if you're not too old for me — I 
 mean — hem ! you do not understand me, I see. 
 
 Lou. Why, really, Mr. Grampus — 
 
 Enter Uncle Robert. 
 
 Gr. Ah ! well, well ; here comes Uncle Robert. He will explain, 
 perhaps. [Draws him aside.) Single, make the proposal now. I've 
 been sounding her, and she 's just in the humor. Give her my letter. 
 When I come back, give me her answer. [To Louisa) Uncle has a 
 few words to say to you, my dear. Pray give them a favorable an- 
 swer. Au revoir. [Exit through gate. 
 
 Lou. (l.) What can he mean. He terrifies me. 
 
 U. R. Nothing very terrible, little wifey. It need n't turn your 
 hair gray. 
 
 Lou. What have you to say to me, uncle ? 
 
 U. R. Shall I give her his letter, or not ? No ; it will only dis- 
 tress her. She 'd better never hear of the old fool's folly. 
 
 Lou. What can have happened? Why do you talk to yourself ? 
 Oh, uncle ! relieve my anxiety at once. 
 
 tl. R. Well, well, my darling, Mr. Grampus is a Uttle bit jealous, 
 that's all. 
 
 Lou. Jealous ? 
 
 U. R. Don't be alarmed. He 's afraid Mr. Brownjohn has fallen 
 in love with you ; nothing more. 
 
 Lou. Mr. Brownjohn? He has no need to be jealous of Mr. 
 Brownjohn. 
 
 U. R. I know it, dear, — I know it. Ha, ha, ha ! of course he 
 has n't. 
 
 Lou, What do you know 1 
 
BCENK I.] love's LABOR SAVED. 25 
 
 U. R. {putting hand to mouth). Blabbing again. That is, my dar- 
 ling, I mean — I think — 
 
 Lou. {laughing). No, uo, uncle; you've betrayed yourself. Yon 
 know, I'm certain — 
 
 U. R. What, for goodness* sake ? 
 
 Lou. That Mr. Brownjohn, so far from caring for me, is dead in 
 love with Patty. 
 
 U. R. {stopping her mouth). Hush! hush! Who told you that? 
 I never did, did I ? 
 
 Lou. Why, do ^--ou think I 'm stone blind ? 
 
 U. R. What the deuce ! I've seen nothing. 
 
 Lou. If Patty would only confide a little more in me — 
 
 U. R. She 'd do so at once, my dear, if she knew you were her 
 sister. 
 
 Lou. No, no. It 's out of the question, uncle. I cannot tell her. 
 
 U. R. Then we must wait till time sees fit to clear matters up, I 
 suppose. 
 
 Lou. Yes. At least, I can do nothing without Edward's permis- 
 sion. And, uncle, dear, here 's a letter I 've written to him. The 
 mail goes at three. Edward will get it at six, and at eight he will be 
 here. I have n't addressed it, fur fear my writing might be recognized. 
 Will you do it for me, uncle, 
 
 U. R. Certainly. Give it me. {Takes her by the chin.) Holdup 
 your head, darling. Don't be frightened. All will end well, depend 
 upon it. 
 
 Enter V A.TTT , from house. 
 
 Pat. {down c.) Looking to see if Miss Carlyle has the tooth-ache, I 
 suppose, uncle i Fye ! 
 
 Lou. My dear Martha, a little confidence in my integrity and my 
 regard for you, would put an end to all this misconstruction immedi- 
 ately. [Exit L. 3 E 
 
 Pat. Nonsense. Mere pride and vanity. 
 
 U. R. Patty, what conduct towards that poor girl ! 
 
 Pat. Poor girl, indeed ! Are you bewitched by her arts, too ? 
 
 U. R. Patty, if you knew — {Puts hand to mouth,) 
 
 Pat. Knew what? 
 
 U. R. Nothing, nothing, my dear. Hem ! 
 
 Pat. (l.) You're very mysterious, Uncle Robert; but you can't 
 persuade me out of what I sec with my own eyes. 
 
 U. P. (k.) Tut ! What new ground of quarrel have you had with 
 Brownjo in. Patty i 
 
 Pat. Uncle, the best in the world. He 's been writing verses to 
 Miss Carlyle. That 's sufiicient, I think. 
 
 U. R. Impossible ! It can't bo, my dear. 
 
 Pat. Why not? 
 
 U. R. Why, to my knowledge, she cares no more for him than he 
 does for her. 
 
 Pat. {delightedly). Oh, uncle ! go on, go on. 
 
 U. R. Go on ? But I'va got through. 
 
 Pat. No no. If she does n't care for Julius, she must be thinking 
 of somebody else ; and I wan't to know who it is. You know some- 
 thing, uncle. You 've let it out. 
 3 
 
26 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT IL 
 
 U. R. (aside). How sharp- sighted these girls are ! Each sees clean 
 through the other's secret. Amazing ! No, no, I don't know any- 
 thing. 
 
 Pat. The other ! What other ? Can Miss Carlyle have sus- 
 pected — 
 
 U. R. She saw, a long while since, how you and Brownjohn stood 
 towards one another. 
 
 Pat. And never told me ? 
 
 U. R. How could she 1 How have you behaved towards her ? — 
 You've been scornful, suspicious, overbearing. Patty, Patty, is that 
 the way to behave towards a married lady 1 {Puts hand to mouth. ) 
 
 Pat' Married ! Married, did you say 1 
 
 U. R. Hush ! no, I said no such thing. 
 
 Pat. Uncle Robert, you shan't escape so. You said married. Now, 
 confess the whole story. 
 
 U. R. Then don't make such a noise. Hush ! 
 
 Pat. I insist. 
 
 U. R. Well, well, don't speak so loud. Louisa is — has been, I 
 should say — married. She 's a widow — probably — 
 
 Pat. A widow 1 
 
 U. R. Yes. It 's a sad stoiy. Her husband went to California, 
 two years ago, and she 's never heard from him since. Poverty com- 
 pelled her to go into service. 
 
 Pat. Poor creature ! And I 've done her so much injustice ! Dear, 
 dear ! — and Julius — oh, I 'm so glad ! And here 's his note-book, on 
 the ground, here, just where he said he left it. {Picks it tip.) Wil- 
 liam must have found it, the tiresome boy, and brought about all thia 
 mischief. Oh, I 'm so happy ! 
 
 U. R. Queer tiling, woman ! Foul weather and fair, rain and sun- 
 shine, all in a minute ! 
 
 Pat. Now, uncle, you must do me a great favor. 
 
 U.R. What now' 
 
 Pat. I promised Julius a tete a tete, this evening, at eight o'clock — 
 
 U.R. Oho! 
 
 Pat. Don't find fault. Lovers have had tete a tetes, ever since the 
 world Avas made, of course. 
 
 U. R. Indeed ! Oh, there, I have n't a word to say. Where is it 
 to be ? 
 
 Pat. Never mind where, uncle. Now, Julius has gone away in a 
 ra'^e, and will not come ; so I want you to carry a note to the post 
 ofiice for me. You will, uncle ; now, won't you 1 
 
 (J. R. 'Pon my word ! What next ? Am I to be made a go-be- 
 tween, in my old age, for mercy's sake ? 
 
 Pat. A go-between ? How vulgar ! You should call it a postilion 
 d'amour. 
 
 fj. R. Postil'on d'amonr. Well, well ; the deuce knows, women can 
 always find a pretty name for a naughty thing. 
 
 Pat. Call it whatever you like, uncle, dear. I '11 run and write my 
 note, at once. You must direct it for me, of course. [Erit into house. 
 
 U. R. I believe I must sew my tongue into a bag. I 've always 
 been famous for caution, everybody knows ; but I do believe I *m los- 
 ing my Avits. I 've almost let out several secrets already. 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 27 
 
 Killer Servant, from house. 
 
 Ser. Mr. Single. 
 
 U. R. AVell, Avhat is it ? 
 
 Ser. A man from the telegraph office wants to see you or master, 
 right away, sir. [Exit. 
 
 U. R. Telegraph ! By George ! I 'd forgotten all about it. One 
 thing drives another right out of my head. Ay, ay, I '11 come di- 
 rectly, tell him. [Exit into house. 
 
 Enter Buownjohn, at gate. 
 
 Br. I hope nobody 's here. I want my note-book awfully. Cursed 
 ill luck! {Hunts about.) Not here ! Some one found it, then. This 
 ex])lains Patty's rage. If I could only get a single word with her. 
 It would be too absurd to go into the house, after leaving it so grandly. 
 Yet her father is away, for I saw him go. No, no, it won't do. What 
 devilish bad luck ! She '11 riot expect me at the tete a tete, to-night ; 
 so she won't come herself. Hark ! is n't that her voice ? and her old 
 uncle's, too. They must n't se(| me here. {Retires into arbor.) 
 
 Enter Uncle Robert, loith telegram. 
 
 U. R. Tompkins' messenger was in a deuce of a huny. This must 
 be good for Grampus. Where can I find himl At the broker's of- 
 fice, I suppose, his usual place. 
 
 Enter 'Patty, from house. 
 
 Pat. Now, uncle, I depend on you. Here's the note. {Kisses 
 him.) There. [Exit. 
 
 U. R. Well, little tease; I'll see. {Puts letter in pocket, ana going 
 towards gate?) 
 
 Br. Sh — sh — 
 
 U. R. { L. ) Hey ? what 's that ? Who 's here ? 
 
 Br. {coming out, R.) I, sir. 
 
 U. R. Ah, Brownjohn ! very lucky, this. It saves me a walk. 
 I 've a letter for you, from Patty. She wants you to come, all the 
 same, tills evening. {Feels for letter.) Here. {Gives telegram.) 
 
 Br. Bravo ! let 's have it. ( Tears it open.) 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha ! what mad folks these lovers are ! 
 
 Br. {aside). What's all this? — " Recognition of the Southern Con- 
 federacy! War! Calcutta goods gone up a hundred per cent! 
 Be quick! " { Turns over letter.) No address. This can't be for me. 
 No matter; it's a great piece of luck. {Pockets letter.) I must make 
 haste. Uncle, you 've made my fortune ! Tell Patty to expect me 
 at eight, without fail. {Runs off, through gate.) 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha, ha ! mad as a March hare ! However, young folks 
 are not the only fools in the world. Old boy, don't throw stones. — 
 Little Louisa has bewitched you too. Ass that I am ! I might have 
 had just such a sweet little wife, once, myself. Nonsense! what am 
 I dreaming about \ I must run and give Grampuj tliis steamer news. 
 {Going.) 
 
 Enter Grampus, at gate, 
 (h'. (r.) Hallo, uncle; I say, any news for me? 
 
28 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT lit 
 
 U. R (l.) News! I warrant you. Tremendous! Here. {Gives 
 Louisa's note.) 
 
 Gr. {npnii/iff ii). ** This evening — in widens room — more 
 when we meet. In ike greatest haste — Louisa. Uncle, you 're a 
 jewel. If all goes well. I '11 give you a set of chess-men of solid gold. 
 There. YExit into house. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha ! this Calcutta business must be very profitable. 
 Gold chess-men ! "W ell, well ; such is man. Queer creatures ! Rare 
 world ! rare world ! Stop, I must get this note to Ned. Louisa asked 
 me to direct it. ( Takes out two letters.) Zounds ! here are two. Oh, 
 av, this is Grampus's to Louisa. Yes, yes ; I thought best not to give 
 it to her. No address on this, neither. Ha, ha, ha ! By the way, 
 which is for Ned? {Holds them up to light.) This must be the one, 
 it 's so much larger. If I 'd changed 'em, there 'd have been the deuce 
 and all to pay. Ha, ha ! I should never hear the last of it. 
 
 \Exiiy laughing. 
 
 {All four letters must be of same size and appearance.) 
 
 END OF ACT II. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE I. — Uncle Robert's room in cottage. — Door in flat. — 
 Closet on each side, with curtains. — Bay-window in JJat, with 
 curtains. — Clothes 07i pegs against wall. — Table on R. and L., 
 with long cloth on each. — Chairs, ^-c. 
 
 Enter Brown.john and Patty. 
 
 Pat. Come in. Gracious, how frightened I feel ! 
 
 Br. Calm yourself, Patty. There can be no danger. Nobody ever 
 comes here. 
 
 Pat. Are you certain you saw who it was 1 
 
 Br. Yes; William He's after flowers, I suppose. I saw him 
 jump from the garden-wall. 
 
 Pat. Oh, how dreadful if he were to see us here ! And he 's no 
 bu-iness in the garden, at this time of night. Father forbade his 
 going into it. How fortunate uncle's door was ajar ! 
 
 Br. Ah, Patty ! do you see, now, how much injustice you did me ? 
 
 Pat. Hush, Julius. I 'm willing, this time, to believe in your in- 
 nocence. 
 
 Br. Believe ! Are you not absolutely certain of it 1 Ought you 
 not to be so, at all times 1 
 
 Pat. Ah, Julius ! who can trust men ? 
 
 Br. But surely you should have confidence in 7ne, dearest. Tell 
 me you have, Patty ; — tell me so. 
 
 Pat. Good gracious, Julius, do you want a confession of my injus- 
 tice from mv own lips, when you have it already in my letter i 
 
 Br. What letter ? 
 
 Pat. Why, did n't you receive my letter ? 
 
SCENE I.] love's LABOE SAVED. 29 
 
 Br. No , yonr imcle told me verbally you expected me here this 
 evening ; but he gave me no letter from you. 
 
 Pat. Didn't give you mv note? 
 
 Br. Then there loas a note for me ? There must have been a mis- 
 take made. 
 
 Pat. A mistake ! Good heavens ! 
 
 Br. Hush ! I thought I heard something. 
 
 Pat. Footsteps ! {Runs to window.) Heavens ! it 's Louisa ! 
 
 Br. What can she want here '? ^, .^ •■ , , j j- 
 
 Pat. She 's coming straight to this cottage. Oh, it she should dis- 
 cover us ! 
 
 Br. What 's to be done ? mi. > i 
 
 Pat. We must hide somewhere. We can't escape. There s only 
 one door. {Pains to closet, l., and drops curtain.) 
 
 Br. This is infernal ! {runs to same closet.) 
 
 Pat. Not in here ! Heavens ! 
 
 Br. Where shall I go '} 
 
 Pat. Get behind those clothes ; — quick ! . 
 
 Br. Nice position, this ! {Hides in closet, r. f.) 
 
 Enter Louisa, d. f. 
 
 Lo-i Not come yet. Can uncle have forgotten to send my note 1 
 My position here is dreadful. Edward must confess everything, or 
 take me away. If old Mr. Grampus should put his looks into words 
 eveiTthing will come out at once. {Goes to window.) A beautitul 
 eveniufr. Edward will have a delightful ride. Ha! who is that? 
 Can it be Edward ? No ; he is taller. It is William ! He s stealing 
 more flowers. The crazy boy will embarrass me tembly, yet, 1 teel 
 sure I wish he might be caught. What's that? He starts — looks 
 round. Can there be any one coming 1 He 's running right to this 
 cottage. Good heavens ! where can I hide? {Piuns to closet, r., and 
 drops curtain.) 
 
 Enter William, wiihjlowers, d. f. 
 
 WiL Ha' not to be caught so easily. {Goes to window.) From 
 here I can see who that was, I guess. And have I climbed the wall, 
 at the risk of mv life, to be caught like a rat, at last? \ our most 
 obedient servant; sir. Not so fast, if you please. I d like to know 
 who it is prowling about the garden. Father's cough, I thought ; but 
 what can he be doing here, at this time ? If father should catch mc, 
 oh what a wigging I should get 1 Phew! But sAe 's fond of flowers, 
 and no danger shall deter— Jupiter! here's some one coming. 
 (Runs to Patty's closet, and lifts curtain.— She pushes him away.) 
 Patty here! What on earth— Hark! here he comes. {Craw.s 
 under table, -R.) Here 's fun ! ,. , t u .t,- 
 
 Br. {loohing out). Awkward po-ition, tliis ! I cant see a thing 
 
 (Draws hack.) 
 
 Wil. Didn't somebody speak? {Draws back.) 
 
 Enter Edward, d. f. 
 
 Ed Nobody here ! Where can she be ? I must get an explana- 
 tion of father's mysterious letter. I can't comprehend it. {Readme) 
 letter) " Dear Louisa, you have greatly pleased me, and your hap' 
 3* 
 
so UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [aCT III. 
 
 pine.'iS IS the fondest wish of my heart. T am of rigid principles, as 
 you knoio, but despise prejudice ; and this I will prove to your eritire 
 satisfaction. I ask for a quiet itte a tele with you, where, undis- 
 turbed, we can discuss matters more fully." It 's certainly fatlicr's hand, 
 and his illegible signature ; but the address is to me, and in Uncle 
 Eobert's handwriting. I can't make head or tail of it. The letter is 
 certainly to my wife. Then how comes it into my hands ? And what 
 does it mean, if it is to my wife ? Can Undo Robert have let out our 
 secret, and father mean to tell Louisa he consents ? It looks like it. 
 Or has father fallen in love with her himself? It's not impossible. 
 And why has n't Louisa written to me ? I could n't have stayed i;i 
 Cottonville another hour. I wish Uncle Bob would come. Patience, 
 patience. Hark ! somebody 's coming. Here he is, at last. No, that 's 
 father's cough. Zounds! he's coming straight here! Ho mustn't 
 see me here, on any account. "Where can I hide 1 {Runs to Louisa's 
 closet, and starts back. — She pxdls him in.) 
 
 Wil. [who has ivatched him). He's hid, too. Ha, ha! [Draws 
 back.) 
 
 Enter Grampus, d. p. — Stage darker. 
 
 Gr. (reading). " This evening — in uncle^s room. More when 
 we meet. In the greatest haste — Louisa." Well, I never dreamed it 
 could be done so easily. I thought girls usually hung back a little, 
 at first ; but Louisa, here, jumps at the chance. Humph ! — all the 
 better. It tickles my vanity mightily, too ; for she would n't have 
 been so ready if I liadn't taken her fancy. Ha, ha, ha! The little 
 witch is cunning, too. She knows the place for a tete a tete, — trust 
 her. Single little dreams what's going on in his bachelor quarters. 
 Ha, ha, ha ! What a face he 'd make ! 'T would be as good as a 
 play. Ho, ho, ho ! 
 
 tl. B. {without). AVell-managed house, this! Dog running loose 
 about the garden. Fine doings ! 
 
 Gr. The deuce ! there 's Single ! What brings him home so early ? 
 Perhaps ho '11 not stay long. I '11 hide. ( Gets under table, l.) 
 
 Wil. Ha, ha ! Now it 's complete. All bottled up together, now. 
 ( Draws back.) 
 
 Enter Uncle Robert, tvith bottle in hand. 
 
 U. R. Ha, ha ! check-mated the major, in spite of him. Pity I 
 could n't stay for another game. But it would never do not to have a 
 glass of wine ready for Ned, after his ride. No, no. Why don't he 
 come ? It 's growing quite dark. Louisa seems in no great hurry, 
 either. {Puts bottle on r. table, and lights candle.) Why, how 's this ? 
 All the curtains down ? I shall stifle. Where 's my dressing-gown ? 
 {Goes to closet.) 
 
 Gr. {putting out head). I hope the old dolt doesn't intend to stay. 
 ( Draws back.) 
 
 Pat. {seen). Hush, for Heaven's sake, uncle! 
 
 U. R. {dropping curtail.). Patty ! What the deuce ! — what is she 
 about here ? and why should I hush 1 { Goes to other closet. — Louisa 
 seen making an imploring gesture.) Oho ! Patty, the minx, gets ear of 
 this interview, and comes to listen ; and Louisa, seeing her coming, 
 slips in there. I see. What shall I do, now 1 Humph ! — I '11 take 
 
SCENE I.] LOVE'3 LABOR SAVED. 31 
 
 a p:lass of wine, and pretend not to see. {Sits at r. table, and kicks 
 William). Heavens and eaith! there's some one under the table ! 
 {Retreats.) Can a thief have got in here, and these girls hid them- 
 selves'? {Backs against Brownjohn.) Zounds! here's another! 
 I '11 run for help. No, it can't be thieves. There 's nothing to steal 
 here. Ha, ha, ha ! cautious, old boy, — cautious. I '11 pretend to go 
 away, and leave them to settle it. {Opens and shuts door loudly, and 
 creeps behind curtains of bay-window.) 
 
 Wil. {looking out). I wish I could cut away. (Grampus looks out. 
 — The// see each other. — A pause. ) 
 
 Wil. {huwhhf). Good evening, father. 
 
 Gr. What brings you here, sir 1 
 
 Wil. {whispering). I — I — it 's only for fun, sir. 
 
 Gr. {crawling out). Corae out, sir. (William comes out.) What 
 am I to think ? 
 
 Wil. Noth — nothing, sir. 
 
 Gr. What business have you in the garden, at thia- time of night 1 
 
 Wil. {whining). I 'm very sorry, sir. 
 
 Gr. The truth, now, sir. No lying ! Did you come to steal flow- 
 ers again ? 
 
 Wil. {hiding flowers behind him.) Of course not, sir. I wanted — 1 
 wanted — 
 
 Gr. No hesitation, you rascal. Out with it. What did you corae 
 for? 
 
 Wil. I came, sir — it's only fun, father — I came — to watch 
 Patty, sir. 
 
 Gr. Patty ! Where is she 1 
 
 Wil. In there, sir. 
 
 Gr. I'll soon settle this business. [Lifts curtain.) 
 
 Pat. {humbly). Good — good evening, father. 
 
 Gr. These are fine doings ! What brings you here, Martha ? 
 
 Pat. I_I_I_ 
 
 Gr. Why don't you speak, Miss Grampus. This is very suspi- 
 cious. 
 
 Pat. Oh, father ! there 's no harm in it, really. 
 
 Gr. There 's no good in it, or you 'd be more ready with your 
 answers. So, this is the way it goes on in my house. Confess the 
 truth, now. Come ! quick ! 
 
 Pat. I — I — I wanted to see what Louisa — Edward — 
 
 Gr. Louisa ! Edward ! Where are they 1 
 
 Pat. In there, sir. 
 
 Gr. What does all this mean ? Come out, there ! (Patty x to 
 William. — Edward and Louisa come out.) Upon my word! 
 What brings you' rom Cottonville, sir? And you. Miss Carlyle, 
 concealed here with my son. What must I think? 
 
 Pat. {aside to William). Sneak ! What did you tell of me for ? 
 
 Wil. Eveiybody for number one, Patty. I could n't help it, really. 
 
 Gr. All silent ? — No answer ? 
 
 Ed. {aside to Pattt). Malicious creature ! to betray us. 
 
 Pat. Everybody for number one, Edward. I couldn't help it, 
 really. 
 
 Gr. I see I ask in vain. Where 's your uncle ? All this can't have 
 happened without his knowing of it. 
 
82 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT IlL 
 
 Pat. Yes, sir; uncle will explain everything. 
 
 Wil. Yes, father. Uncle Bob 's the man. 
 
 Gr. Where is he, I say 1 
 
 Wil. In there, sir. 
 
 U. R. [coming out). Good evening, children. (Rubs haiids nct'vously.) 
 
 All. Uncle Robert! 
 
 U. R. Yes, children ; I 'm not deaf. 
 
 Gr. Explain, Single, how it happens — 
 
 Ed. You know the whole story, Uncle Bobert. Explain this mys- 
 terious — 
 
 Pat. Uncle Robert, do help us out of this dreadful aiFair ! 
 
 U. E 'Pon my word ! here 's a vast deal to be done, all in a 
 breath. 
 
 All. Speak — speak ! 
 
 U. R. Well, well ; so be it, then. But first, let me ask how you 
 all came in my room 1 All silent ? Then I must go through you iu 
 order. WilUam^ how came you in my room '? 
 
 Wil. I 'm the youngest one here,"^ Uncle Robert. You ought to 
 begin with the older ones first. 
 
 U. R. The older first, then. Well, Grampus, you're the oldest, I 
 think. 
 
 Gr. [talcing him aside). Hush ! I wrote to Louisa a sort of proposal 
 and asked for an interview ; and she agreed to meet me here. [All re- 
 tire a little hut Grampus and Uncle Robert.) 
 
 U. R. Here ! Impossible ! 
 
 Gr. See for yourself. [Hands letter.) 
 - U. R. Why, how did you get this ? 
 
 Gr. You gave it to me yourself. 
 
 U.R. I ! This was for Ned. 
 
 Gr. Edward ! How comes Miss Carlyle to be writing such letters 
 as this to Edward ? 
 
 U. l(. Oh ! perhaps — it 's not for Edward — 
 
 Gr. Yes, on second thoughts, it must be for Edward. His being 
 here to-night shows there 's some secret between them. This letter 
 must have got into my hands by some blunder. 
 
 U. R. Blunder ! But where 's the other, then ? 
 
 Gr. Other! What other? 
 
 U. R. [aside). Here 's a nice business ! Who can have got the tel- 
 egram ? 
 
 (tV. I 'm wholly at a loss what to think of all this. What other 
 letter oiKjht I to have received? Single, I insist on an answer. 
 
 //. /;. [aside). All's up, now. All I can say is, that since you re- 
 ceived this, Ned must have got the other. 
 
 Ed [coming down h.) Exactly; I have. It was this which induced 
 me to come here to-night. 
 
 (J. R. [talcing letter). Thank goodness! all's safe, then. Look, 
 Grampus — Zounds ! what 's this i 
 
 Gr. [softly). That's my note to Louisa, 
 
 U. R. [stupijied). So it seems. 
 
 Gr. And here's the address, in your handwriting, to Edward. 
 
 U. R. Yes — of course — exactly. 
 
 Ed. The only meaning I could attach to it was this : I supposed 
 Uncle Robert must have told you the whole story, father, and that 
 
SCENE I.] love's labor SAVED. 33 
 
 you wanted an interview with Louisa, to assure her you had no ob- 
 jection to her poverty, and approved heartily of our maniage. 
 
 (Jr. Marriage ! What ! you and Louisa married ! 
 
 U. R. {aside to Grampus). For Heaven's sake, Grampus, get out 
 of this scrape the best way you can. They 've been manied these 
 three months. This letter of yours has, luckily, two meanings. If 
 it's known you designed Louisa for yourself, you'll be a regular 
 laughing-stock. 
 
 Gr. This is horrible ! 
 
 U. R. {aside to him). If you thought her fit to be your wife, you 
 can't refuse her for a daughter. You 'd better say yes, at once ; it 's 
 your only course. 
 
 Gr. {raging). You 're right. Uncle has told me all, my children; 
 and though I ought to be very angry with you both — 
 
 Ed. Dear father, you forgive us. ^ 
 
 Gr. {joining their hands). Bless you, my darlings, in Heavens 
 name — The devil ! , . , 
 
 Ed. and Lou. Oh, thank you, sir ! thank you, a thousand times ! 
 
 Gr. Kiss me, daughter. And if you love this rascal Edward, here, 
 — whom I suppose I must call home from Cottonville, now, — don't 
 forget his old, cross father. 
 
 Lou. Oh, no, sir ; never, never ! (Edward and Louisa retire.) 
 
 U. R. Aha ! this is capital ! — capital ! 
 
 Gr. Capital 1 Humph ! Well, this clears up one mystery. Now 
 what brings Patty here ? ^. -.^ 
 
 U. R. Stay, I must have the other letter m my pocket still. Right, 
 here it is. And now my mind is at ease. 
 
 Gi' AV^hat letter is this ? 
 
 U. R. The telegram from New York [Boston — Halifax] . I gave 
 you Louisa's letter instead. , 
 
 Gr. Confusion ! It 's too late. It 's mere waste paper. What s 
 all this 1 {Reads) " I have done you art injustice. Come to the garden 
 this evening, and I will explain all. Ever yours — Patty." 
 
 Pat. Oh, Heavens ! it's my letter. 
 
 U. R. Your letter] , . ,. 
 
 Gr. Martha, what is the meaning of this 'i To whom is this 
 written ? 
 
 Pat. To — to — to — 
 
 Gr. Answer me directly. 
 
 Pat. To — to — to — Mr. Brownjohn. 
 
 Gr. So ! But more of this by-and-by. The most important first. 
 Single, where is the telegram 1 , , , 
 
 U. R. I don't know, Grampus. I'm turned completely topsy- 
 
 turvey. . 
 
 Gr. The telegram ! — hunt for the telegram ! (x #o l.) 
 Br. {coming out). Here it is, sir. Permit me. {Comes dorm r. of 
 
 Wil. Another one ! I wonder if there 's any more of 'em. 
 
 Gr. And what brings you here, sir ? , u 
 
 Br The letter in ) our hand, sir, was meant for me ; but by some 
 
 mistake Mr. Single gave me this. I opened it hastily, and learnt the 
 
 news. I saw its value ; and I trust to escape your censure for havmg 
 
 turned it to account. I bought on time so largely, m consequence, as 
 
S4 UNCLE ROBERT ; OR, [ACT Til. 
 
 to be now, probably, a rich man ; and may ask, without disparity, for 
 the hand of your adorable daughter. 
 
 Gr. Single, Single, what sort of a trick have yon played me now ? 
 
 U. R. Give him the girl, Grampus, and keep the money in the 
 family. Patty loves him, and he 's proved himself a sharp fellow. 
 Give him the girl. 
 
 Pat. Ah, father, do ! 
 
 Br. Ah, Mr. Grampus, consider our despair! 
 
 Lou. Pray make another couple happy, dear father. 
 
 Gr. Hark 'e, sir ; you 've played me a rascally trick, but a sharp 
 one ; and I 'm determined to punish you. I '11 be revenged. Take 
 the girl. 
 
 Pit. Dear, darling, nice, good father! 
 
 Wil. Well, by Jove ! here 's a pretty go ! 
 
 U. R. (wiping his forehead). Now there's two happy pairs. Who 
 could have expected, at noon to-day, that all these things could have 
 come to pass before the day was out. Grampus, I congratulate you. 
 
 Gr. Humph, Single ! a nice boggle you 've made of this business ! 
 
 Ed. Kept dark about nothing ! 
 
 Wil. Blabbed every blessed thing. Uncle Kobert ! 
 
 U. R. Well, well, children, don't be too hard on your old uncle. 
 You gave me too many secrets to take care of. I 'm only thankful 
 the troubles of an old bachelor have ended as well as they have. ( To 
 audience) Would any other lady or gentleman like to make me their 
 confidant ? Won't any one step forward 1 Well, I 'm sure ! Who 
 could have wound up matters more happily 1 
 
 SITUATIONS. 
 XJNCLB ROBERr. J. 
 
 E. H. CUBTAIN. L. H. 
 
The Freshest, Brightest, and Best, are the 50 Choicest 
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 The Ballad of Ronald Clare . 
 
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 The Dead Doll 
 
 A Charge with Prince Rupert 
 
 An Irish "Wake 
 
 The Honest Deacon 
 
 Tact and Talent 
 
 The Two Glasses . 
 
 Whistling in Heaven 
 
 Noble Revenge 
 
 Dot Baby off Mine. (By pemaission) 
 
 The Amateur Spelling-Match 
 
 Why Biddy and Pat got Married 
 
 Art-Matters in Indiana . 
 
 Miss Edith helps Things along 
 
 The Flood and the Ark . 
 
 Not Dead, but Risen 
 
 Ballad of a Baker . 
 
 Five 
 
 Uncle Remus' Revival Hymn 
 
 A Mysterious Disappearance 
 
 An Indignation-Meeting . 
 
 Something Spilt 
 
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 " 'tis but a Step " 
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 Somebody's Mother 
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 Count Eberhard's Last Foray Thos. S. Collier. 
 
 Tammy's Prize 
 
 Deaf and Dumb Anna F. Bumham. 
 
 The Changed Cross 
 
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 They Met 
 
 Clerical Wit 
 
 Greeley's Ride Mark Twain. 
 
 Der Shoemaker's Poy 
 
 The Sergeant of the Fiftieth 
 
 The Fan Drill Spectator. 
 
 Warning to Woman 
 
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 Widow Stebbins on Homoeopathy Charles F. Adams. 
 
 The Fight at Lookout B. L. Gary, Jun. 
 
 The Well-Digger John O. Saxe. 
 
 Behind Time Freeman Hunt. 
 
 A Miracle Charles H, Webber. 
 
 Weaving the Web 
 
 The Great Future George F. Hoar. 
 
 A Christmas Carol 
 
 " Them Yankee Blankits " Samuel W. Small. 
 
 Jim Lane's Last Message Sherman D. Bichardson, 
 
 One Touch of Nature 
 
 A Disturbance in Church Max Adeler. 
 
 The Palmer's Vision J. G. Holland. 
 
 A " Sweeter Revenge " 
 
 The Farmer's Story David Hill. 
 
 Paddy O'Rafther Samuel Lover, 
 
 The Fireman's Prayer Russell H. Conioell. 
 
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 John Chinaman's Protest M. F. D. 
 
 The Sweet Singer of Michigan 
 
 Ten Years After Kate Putnam Osgood. 
 
 Putty and Varnish Josh Billings. 
 
 Nationality Rufus Choate. 
 
 Tacking Ship off Shore Walter Mitchel. 
 
 Immortality Phillips Brooks. 
 
 Mr. Coville Proves Mathematics J. M. Bailey. 
 
 Blind Ned Irwin Russell. 
 
 The Benediction Francois Coppee. 
 
 " Conquered at Last " Maria L. Eve. 
 
 The Ship-Boy's Letter 
 
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 Reserved Power 
 
 Talk about Shooting 
 
 The King's Kiss Nora Perry. 
 
 Joe's Bespeak 
 
 A Disturbed Parent 
 
 ^old by all booksellers and newsdealers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on 
 
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 A Royal Princess ......*. Christina O. Rossetti. 
 
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 The Fool's Prayer Atlantic. 
 
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 Greatest Walk on Record ...... 
 
 Drawing Water 
 
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 Civil War Anonymotis. 
 
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 The New Dixie O. L. C. 
 
 The National Game 
 
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 Mtrud's Misery 
 
 San Benito Helen M. Gilbert, 
 
 How Rand a went over the River . . . . C. C. Coffin. 
 
 The Ladies Mark Twain. 
 
 Two Fishers Harper's Weekly, 
 
 Left Alone at Eighty 
 
 " Dashing Rod," Trooper S. Conant Foster, 
 
 Orient Yourself Hora^x Mann. 
 
 Rhymes at Random 
 
 The Carpenter's Wooing, and the Sequel . . Tawccb Strauss, 
 
 A Humorous Dare-Devil Bulwer. 
 
 Hohenlinden Campbell. 
 
 St. Leon's Toast 
 
 The Patriot Spy F. M. Finch. 
 
 How Neighbor Wilkins got Kcligion . . . James Berry Bensei 
 
 Jim Wolfe and the Cats Mark Twain. 
 
 Pledge to the Dead William Winter, 
 
 A London Bee Story ....... Quiz. 
 
 A College Widow Acta Columbiana. 
 
 " He Giveth His Beloved Sleep " . . . .J. C. Huntington, 
 
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 Creeds of the Bells J, W.Bungay. 
 
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 Paddle Your Own Canoe 
 
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 On the Channel Boat , O, L, C. 
 
 The Pin 
 
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 The Defence of Lucknow Tennyson. 
 
 Paul ClifiFord's Defence ■?"/?^^; ^ 
 
 The Outlaw's Yarn Michael Lynch. 
 
 Labor is Worship . - - - • • • ^J"''^'^\ir^- Osgood. 
 
 The Leo-end of the White Hand . . . Lucy Wade Hernck. 
 
 Two Dreams H. H. 
 
 People will Laugh . . ^ . 
 
 <■■• Christianos ad Leones ! " Francis A. Dnnvage. 
 
 Ballad of the Bell-Tower Margaret J. Preston. 
 
 A Sermon for the Sisters Irwm Russell 
 
 Mrs. Brown at the Play Arthur Sketchley, 
 
 Dutch Security „ „ t, ^^ 
 
 From One Stand-point M. F. Butts. 
 
 The Captive ......... Henry Phillips, Jr. 
 
 The Peril of the Mines ,„ ^ ^ 
 
 Aunt Phillis's Guest Wm. C. Gannett. 
 
 Annie's Ticket , . ^ 
 
 Along the Line Irwm BusseU. 
 
 JThe Divorce Feast 
 
 The Indian Warrior's Defence .... 
 
 The Farmer and the Barrister .... Horace Smith. 
 
 Yankee Courtship 
 
 London Zoological Gardens .... 
 
 Apples A Comedy Blackwood's Magazine. 
 
 Old Grimes ^. G. Green. 
 
 Daisy's Faith Joanna H. Matheios. 
 
 Father William ^- Southey. . ^^ ^ , , 
 
 Parody on " Father William " . . . . Adventures m Wonderland 
 
 The Grave of the Greyhound .... Spencer. 
 A New Version of the Parable of the Virgms 
 
 Song of the Mystic Father Ryan. 
 
 The Fast Mail , * „ * * '^^^^^ ^- ^"*^** 
 
 De 'Sperience ob de Reb'rend Quacko Strong 
 
 The Patter of the Shingle ^ ,. „ ..^ 
 
 The Girl of the Crisis Walter Smith. 
 
 The Rich Man and the Poor Man . . . Khemnitzer. 
 
 A Colored Debating Society .... . . „ ^ 
 
 Shiftless Neighbor Ball Mrs. Annie Preston. 
 
 Lanty Leary Samuel Lover. 
 
 The Baron's Last Banquet A. G. Green. 
 
 The Last of the Sarpints ^ ,rf rr 7 
 
 The Dilemma O. W. Holmes. 
 
 A Brick 
 
 An Evangel ^ ,. ^ tt t - 
 
 A Thirsty Boy Burlington Hawkeye, 
 
 Masked Batteries " Vanity Verses.''^ 
 
 The Story of the Tiles Golden Age. 
 
 The City Man and Setting Hen . 
 
 Miss Edith's Modest Request .... Bret Harte. 
 
 The Man with a Bear 
 
 Hold by all booksellers and newsdealers, and sent by mail, post-paid, on 
 
 receipt 0/ price. 
 
 LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. 
 
By GEORGE M. BAKER. 
 
 PAST REDEMPTIOX. ADrama in Four Acts. Xinc xnsle, four female characters 
 C03IKApJi.!5. A Drama in Three Acts. Four male, three female charac^rs Scerie 
 BETTkA THA v'l^T/,?°'^^/"f. Always successful. Price, 25 cems' ' 
 
 BETTER THAN COED. A Drama in Four Acts. Five male, four female charac 
 
 OUR FOIK?"^ Tv^'- '?.r ^°\'^^ ^°"^^^'^- P"^^' «5 cents. ' ^""""^^ '^^^ 
 
 OUR POLKS. A Play m IhreeActs. Dramatized from "Runninc to Waste- The 
 Is Is cJr °'' '^ ''' same author. Six male, five fe^Se char'actl's 
 
 """"S^^SPSS;.. \SS-r: ^ltSen^^5^t^-^.-^r 
 
 MRS i^^^^^^^^"-^"^""--^^^ 
 
 MRS. AVALTHKOP'S BACHEEOKS. A Comedy m Three Acts Translated 
 
 lorn the sL?.r Pifcef^rclins^;;^ "^^^^'^^^'^ Boarders " were translated 
 
 FOR LITTLE FOLKS. 
 
 ^^^ ^atd'f cL^I '^p7ic^: JfcYnr^^^'- ^"^-°^-- With ten spea.in. pans 
 TITAMA; ok, Ihe Butterflies' Carnival. In Two Acts. Price, 25 cents. 
 
 By the Author of '' UNCLE ROBERT." 
 
 ^^^^'^au^Ur^or^lS; p'^P'f.^y ''^ Four Acts. By H. Pelham Curt,., U.S A.. 
 Characters In^lriSf 'r f'"' ^" r^^""":!.^- "^'^^'^y- ^'^ "''^^' ^^^'^ '"^'"^'e 
 hours? P;ice "stents ^"''"°'" '"°^^™- ^''"^ i" representation, about two 
 
 ^^^'^BvV? C^R^? u"c;^A®^ ^^'^^r^?:'^'? "^^^' A Comedy in One Act. 
 Zl\^^U ^'f^^'^'V-^-^-^ author of " Uncle Robert." etc. Two male, two fe- 
 Tinf. .n ^''^ ^''** , ^.°^'^"?" modern A splendid piece for home performance. '' 
 lune in representation, about forty-five minutes. Price, 15 cents. 
 
 By F. E. CHASE. 
 
 ^^^^\'\rr2?U^^^ '" '^k'%'^,.';''^ Translated from the French of Emile de Najac and 
 A PER Jo NA ri^ATTl'^; ^V^HASE. S.X male, five female characters. 25 cents. 
 t?rs Pricefat^entt ^^'^^'^y »" One Act. Two male, two female charac- 
 
 SANTA CEAU.S THe'fiRST. A Christmas Entertainment for Little Folks. 
 Ihirteen speaking parts and choruses. Price, 25 cents 
 
 OTHER~NEW PLAYS. 
 
 OUR MJPTUAE FRIEND A Comedy in Four Acts. Dramatized from the novel 
 of Charles Dickens, by Harrietta R. Shattucic. Four male, four female char- 
 acters, r^rice, 25 cents. 
 
 APPEES. Comedy in One Act, from Blackwood's Magazine. One male, two female 
 characters. Price, 25 cents 
 
 COUPON BONDS. A Drama in Four Acts. By J. T. Trowbridge. Dramatized 
 from the story of that name. Seven male, three female characters. Three scenes. 
 
 rTx.-r.ir .;°^^Tr costumes. Easily produced. Price, 25 cents. 
 
 UJVDER A VKIL. A Comedietia ni One Act. By Sir Randall Roberts, Bart, 
 iwo male, three female characters. Scene, interior. Double room. Time in 
 representation, thirty minutes. Price, 25 cents. 
 
 CEASS-DA V. A Farce in One Act. By Dr. Francis A. Harris. Four male, three 
 lemale characters. Scene, interior. Played at Harvard with great success. 
 Price, 25 cents. 
 
 Notice prices, and^send money, with order, to 
 
 GEORGE M. 3AKER & CO., 
 
 41-45 t^ranklin Street, Boston. 
 
BY GEORGE M. BAKER, 
 
 Author of 'iArnateur D-ravias^^ " The Mimic Stage," *^ The Social Stags j" ^'The T^ra-wing- 
 Roofft Stttg^," "^Hnndy Dramas" ** The Exhibition Drama," '*A Baker* s Dozen " etc. 
 
 Titles in this Type are New Plays. 
 
 Titles in this Type are TeTnj[>erance. Plays. 
 
 DRAMAS. 
 
 hi Four Acts, 
 
 Better Than Gold. 7 male, 4 female 
 char. .. . . . 25 
 
 ,/« Three Acts., 
 
 Our iFolks. 6 male, 5 female char. . . 15 
 The ITlovver of the Family, 5 
 
 male, 3, female chnr 15 
 
 Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- 
 male cliaracters. 15 
 
 My Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 fe- 
 male chnr , ... X5.. 
 
 The Little Jirown Jug, 5 male, 3 
 female char ./ , 15 
 
 c" / ; ■_■ '• ■ hi Two Ads. 
 Above the Clouds. 7 male, 3 female 
 
 characters! • • • '5 
 
 One II iindred Tears Ago, 7 male, 
 
 4 ferrinle cliar. 15 
 
 Amon.c?.the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female . 
 
 I clmr. . . 15 
 
 Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 
 
 -char. ....... .^. 15 
 
 Down By; thr Sea, 6 male, 3 female 
 
 char; ....'. 15 
 
 Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. 15 
 The Last Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 15 
 
 hi One Act. 
 Stand by the Flag. 5 male char, c . 
 The Teni2iter, 3 male, 1 female char. 
 
 15 
 15 
 
 COMEDIES AND FAUCES. 
 
 AIM^ysterious Disappearance. 4 
 
 piaio. 3 female char . 15 
 
 Paddle Your Own Canoe. 7 male, 
 
 3 female char * 15 
 
 A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female 
 characters 15 
 
 A Little More Cider, 5 male, 3 fe- 
 male char '. 15 
 
 A Thqrn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 
 
 female char 15 
 
 Never Say Die. ,3 male, 3 female char. 15 
 Seei.ng the Elephant. 6 male, 3 female 
 
 char. . , 15 
 
 The Boston' Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. 15 
 The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- 
 male char 15 
 
 Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 
 
 4 male, 3 female char 15 
 
 We^re all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 fe- 
 male char . 15 
 
 Male Characters Only. 
 
 A Close Shave. 6 char 15 
 
 A Public Benefactor. 6 char 15 
 
 A Sea of Troubles. 8 char 15 
 
 COMEDIES, &c., continued. 
 
 Male Characters Only, 
 
 A Tender Attachment. 7 char, ► ■ . . 
 Coals of Fire. 6 char, o . . . . . 
 Freedom of the Press. 8 char. . . . 
 Shall Our Mothers Vote ? 11 char. 
 Gentlemen of the Jury 12 char. - . 
 Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . , 
 My Unxle the Captain. 6 char. . . 
 New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . 
 The Great Elixir. 9 char. .... 
 
 The Hypochondriac. 5 char 
 
 The Man with the Demijohn, 4 
 
 char. . . 
 
 The Runaways. 4 char. 
 
 The Thief OF Time. 6 char. . . . 
 Wanted, A Male Cook! 4 char. , . , 
 
 Female Characters Only. 
 A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. . 
 
 A JPrecious Pickle. 6 char 
 
 No '"•IRE NO Pay. 7 char 
 
 The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. . 
 The Greatest Plague in Life. 8cha. 
 
 The Gk-ecian Dend. 7 char 
 
 The Red Chignon. 6 char. .... 
 UbiNG the Weed. 7 char. ..... 
 
 ALLEGORIES. 
 
 Arra7iged for Music and Tableaux. 
 
 Lightheakt's Pilgrimage. 8 female 
 char. 
 
 The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 
 char 
 
 The Sculptor's Triumph. 1 male, 4 fe- 
 male char. . . 
 
 The 'I'ournament of Idylcourt. 10 
 female char 
 
 Thf 'Var OF THE RosKS. 8 female char. 
 
 MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 
 
 An Original Idea, i male, i female 
 
 char, 
 
 Bonbons ; or, the Paint King. 6 male, 
 
 I female char 
 
 Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
 
 Restored. 3 male, 1 female char. . 
 
 Santa Claus' "Frolics 
 
 Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave 
 
 and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, z 
 
 female char • • 
 
 The Merry Christmas of the Old 
 
 Woman who lived in a Shoe. . . 
 The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male 
 
 char • • '. • 
 
 The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertam- 
 
 ment. Numerous male and female char. 
 Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. 
 Thb Visions of Freedom, ii female 
 
 Geo. M. Baker & Co., 41-45 Franklin St., Boston. 
 
 IS 
 IS 
 
 15 
 
 IS 
 IS 
 
 15 
 15 
 
 15 
 15 
 
 25 
 
 IS 
 
 15 
 
 25 
 
 «5 
 
 IS 
 
 IS 
 IS 
 
 «s 
 
 Baker's Humorous Dialogues. 
 Baker's Humorous Dialogues. 
 
 Male characters ouly. 25 cents. 
 Female characters only. 25 cents. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 015 775 583 3 ^