Class <% fj& 
 Book -- 
 
 /?&_ 
 
 Copyright^ . 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT; 
 
THE QUICK TRAVELER 
 
<A book's a book, although there's nothing in't!" 
 
 Thia copy of 
 
 The Quick Traveler 
 
 is presented 
 
 To 
 
 With the compliments of the writer, offering no 
 
 apologies for the diction; no excuses for its 
 
 crudeness, and no regrets for its production. 
 
 No. 
 
 Edition Limited to 200 Copies. 
 Entirely Personal. 
 
 Copyrighted, 1912, by A. W. Hart. 
 

 &CI.A312972 
 
 ^ 
 
 \ 
 
To Mr. and Mrs. Thos. J. Felder (hereinafter 
 known as Tom and Nettie Belle), of 55 Avenue 
 du Bois, Paris, France. 
 
 If they can find anything in this book that 
 gives them pleasure, or if they enjoy a recital of 
 any of the incidents contained herein, or if they 
 find anything in it "that will hold them for a 
 while," then I have been amply repaid for writ- 
 ing it. 
 
 A. W. Hart. 
 
 New York, April 10, 1912. 
 
The thing that goes the farthest 
 
 Towards making life worth while, 
 
 That costs the least and does the most, 
 
 Is just a pleasant smile. 
 
 The smile that bubbles from the heart 
 
 That loves its fellow men, 
 
 Will drive away the cloud of gloom 
 
 And coat the sun again. 
 
 It's full of mirth and goodness, too, 
 
 With manly kindness blent; 
 
 It's worth a million dollars 
 
 And doesn't cost a cent. 
 
 — Selected. 
 
THE QUICK TRAVELER 
 
 A correct memorandum of a trip to London 
 and Stratford, Paris and Marseilles, Rome and 
 Naples, Egypt and the Sudan, taken from the 
 daily record of events kept during the trip with 
 a particular view to the comical side of all occur- 
 rences, descriptions omitted. If anybody who 
 reads it is critical or inquisitive as to the con- 
 struction of sentences or punctuation, the spelling, 
 or the excessive use of negatives, they will please 
 remember that I am simply trying to hold down 
 the record of facts, in such a way that I will al- 
 ways be ready to refer to my trip, and not for the 
 purpose of making a public record, or in any way 
 or manner catering to the skeptical reader, the 
 finished traveller, the wandering artist, or to the 
 antique gatherer. A record for myself and friends, 
 certifying as to what I saw, what I heard and 
 what I did, while "abroad." 
 
 Note : — Spelling in E'gypt is in accordance with 
 "the taste and fancy of the speller." 
 
 11 
 
EXPLANATORY. 
 
 In trying to give to my friends a fair account 
 of my travels I must first state that the unex- 
 pected voyage through parts of England, France, 
 Italy and Egypt is due to my good friends, Mr. 
 and Mrs. Thos. J. Felder, of Paris, France. I 
 had agreed to pass the Christmas holiday at theii 
 home in Paris, but owing to the miserable weather 
 in December and January, and la grippe, Tom 
 was advised by his physician to "follow the sun," 
 and we not only followed it but at one time I 
 thought we had caught up with it in the Sudan. 
 It was very difficult for me to keep a full record 
 of all events, and what I have kept puzzles me 
 very much to decipher my own handwriting. I 
 wish to emphatically state that there will be no 
 attempt at descriptions, for I didn't spend more 
 than fifteen minutes in any one tomb, temple or 
 museum, while I only gave five . minutes to the 
 Louvre. The Carnovalet and St. Peter's got fifteen 
 minutes, Notre Dame and the Madelaine only ten; 
 St. Paul's Outside of the Gates of Rome fared a 
 little better, and the Pantheon in Paris and Napo- 
 leon's tomb had a "stand off" with thirty minutes 
 each. I managed to last through three-fourths 
 of a performance at the Grand Opera House, part 
 of a service in Westminster Abbey and the same 
 in St. Paul's, London. One hour for Pompeii, 
 
 12 
 
skipped the summit of Vesuvius, also the Aqua- 
 rium at Naples and St. John's in Eome, while I 
 cut out everything in Alexandria except fifteen 
 minutes at Pompey's Pillar. 
 
 So, while I was "abroad" and on sea seventy- 
 eight days with so much to see, an average of fif- 
 teen minutes is as much as any one can or should 
 give to any subject if he desires to get over fifteen 
 or twenty thousand miles of this globe. I am sure 
 many will heave a sigh and say "what a fool to 
 run blindly through such scenes that seldom come 
 to us more than once in a lifetime," but if they 
 will peruse this book, they will see that I cer- 
 tainly saw much, for I kept my eyes and ears 
 open all the time and now I am going to wag my 
 pen, and get the full benefit of my trip by going 
 over it myself first. Then you may have it. 
 
 13 
 
CONFIDENTIAL. 
 
 The reader, if he will keep on reading, will soon 
 find out that I am not an expert at book-writing. 
 In fact, my first attempt at literature was nearly 
 fifty years ago, and "the subject of my song" was, 
 "Only a Lock of Hair." These curly locks were 
 duly and earnestly offered to several city news- 
 papers and for some reason, still unknown to me, 
 I was unable to elicit a response from my at- 
 tempted correspondents. Finally, I concluded to 
 submit my "effusion" to some suburban journal, 
 so I sent it to the Mexican Missourian, enclosing 
 a stamp requesting an immediate reply. This 
 editor appropriated my stamp. 
 
 So again after nearly fifty years I am seek- 
 ing fame on my own hook. No editor will get 
 a chance at this book the reader is reading, as 
 I am "paying all the freight" and what's more, I 
 am giving all my money and time, which is more 
 than money, and hazarding my feelings that which 
 may cost me much, as I am calling people by their 
 real names giving real places and accurate dates. The 
 Frenchman from Australia, the Louisiana planter 
 from Philadelphia, the Spaniard from Buenos 
 Ayres may try to even up things with me, so I 
 say to you, Mr. Reader, that this is a strictly con- 
 fidential and specially privileged book — communi- 
 cation. And if any of you should meet my good 
 
 H 
 
friend, Colonel F (and by the way 
 
 there is no better companion, entertainer or gen- 
 tleman living), you are not to tell him where he 
 might get a copy of this book, or even tell him 
 where I live. You may communicate to and with 
 the Frenchman from Australia, or the Spaniard 
 from Buenos Ayres, or even the Louisiana planter 
 from Philadelphia, for the first two I am sure 
 will never get back to America, while the latter 
 is such a good fellow I am certain he will not try 
 and even up things. 
 
 But let me charge you that under no circum- 
 stances are you to show this book or talk about it 
 to Mme. G., of Chicago. My Hebrew friend from 
 the same place. The Duchess from Detroit or the 
 anarchist. And Dear Miss Reader, I am only 
 sending you this copy that you are now holding 
 in your hand in order that you may have a good 
 laugh, for it is a certainty that you will, either 
 laugh at something that is in the book, or at some- 
 body who is out a book. 
 
 15 
 
SAILING. 
 
 I left New York on the Kaiserin Auguste Vic- 
 toria, the premier ship of the Hamburg-Amer- 
 ican Line, December 12, 1911, at 11 A. M., re- 
 turning to New York on the White Star Liner 
 Cedric, one of the largest ships that ever crossed 
 the Mediterranean, arriving in New York, Feb- 
 ruary 29, 1912. 
 
 Time, seventy-eight days, divided as follows: 
 
 Seventeen days in Paris. 
 
 Three days in London. 
 
 One day in Stratford on Avon. 
 
 "One day in Marseilles. 
 
 Twenty-one days in Egypt. 
 
 One and one-half days in Naples. 
 
 One and one-half days in Rome. 
 
 Thirty-two days on the seas. 
 
 I boarded the Kaiserin Auguste Victoria 
 promptly at 10 A. M., December 12, 1911. I im- 
 mediately sought my room, No. 228, of the Im- 
 perial Suite, on the Auguste Victoria deck. A 
 large room, 12 by 14, furnished handsomely with 
 all modern furniture, including desk and station- 
 ary chair. After arranging my goods and inspect- 
 ing the outside of my mail and telegrams, I re- 
 turned to the deck to see the hawsers loosened and 
 to note the position of the representative of the 
 Hamburg-American Line, as the ship left her 
 
 16 
 
dock. I located him with his hat raised while the 
 band on the upper deck saluted with its horns the 
 national air. I then returned to my room, read 
 my mail and rang one bell for my steward, when 
 the following interview took place: 
 
 "What's your name?" 
 
 "Rudolph, sir." 
 
 "How many first cabin passengers are aboard ?" 
 
 "One hundred and sixty-one, sir." 
 
 "Where do these three bells go to?" 
 
 "To me, sir." 
 
 "All three of them?" 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 "Because this room is sometimes used for three 
 persons." 
 
 "Where does this telephone go to?" 
 
 "To the chief steward." 
 
 "Who occupies the rooms on the right of me?" 
 
 "Col. F : , of Cleveland, Ohio." 
 
 "Who is in Nos. 204 and 206?" 
 
 "Mr. Carlisle; he is seated at the table in the 
 dining saloon with you. He is the great steam- 
 ship builder of Belfast." 
 
 "Is he in his room?" 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 "Go and tell him that I won't eat luncheon, but 
 that I will dine promptly at 7:15 P. M." 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 17 
 
"Also tell him that as we are to sit at the same 
 table during the voyage I prefer not to wear any 
 dinner coat or full dress." 
 
 "All right, sir." 
 
 In a few minutes Eudolph returned with the mes- 
 sage that Mr. Carlisle said he was agreeable to meet 
 me on the conditions named, except that he very 
 seldom ate anything at any time, and as to full 
 dress, he didn't carry one while his dinner coat 
 was rolled up and put aside for possible use when 
 absolutely demanded and insisted upon. I then 
 said to Rudolph "don't carry any more messages to 
 Nos. 204 and 206 from me, and if I should for- 
 get myself and ask you to do so, you just forget 
 it also. Now you may go. Hold on, do you stay 
 up all night?" "No, sir." "who does?" "Boots." 
 "All right. Tell Boots I want to see him to- 
 
DAILY REPORT. 
 
 DECEMBER 11, 1911. 
 
 Ship sailed promptly on time. Found in my 
 room after sailing: one box cigars, one bottle 
 whiskey, 1 guide to Paris, one very large basket 
 of fruit, five telegrams, eleven letters and one pos- 
 tal card, three boxes of candy and two boxes of 
 nuts. All these treasures were sent me, except 
 two boxes of candy and one telegram; I sent them 
 to myself. 
 
 After visiting the chief steward and interview- 
 ing him, I proceeded to fall all the way up stairs 
 from the Kronprinz deck to the Kaiserin deck. 
 This feat I have performed three times in my 
 life successfully. It's an unusual stunt, but I 
 can do it. This time I never lost my balance or 
 my hat or cane on the trip, but I heard some titter- 
 ing among the minimum passengers. 
 
 At 2 P. M. visited the smoking room; saw 
 twelve men smoking but no one speaking ;. they 
 don't seem to know each other, but all looked like 
 they wanted to know somebody. 
 
 3 P. M. — A German Countess is inquiring for 
 her pocketbook. No one seems to know where it 
 is ; as I was leaving she seemed to be charging the 
 Postal Card Steward with knowing something 
 about it. Hope the Hon. A. M. Carlisle, P. C, will 
 conclude to dine with me as per engagement 
 19 
 
Dined promptly at 7 :15 P. M. The Hon Car- 
 lisle came in soon after I was seated. He is an 
 Irishman ; looks very much like King Edward VII 
 used to look; is about fifty-six years old; has a 
 merry twinkle in his eye and I imagine can hold 
 his own in any company. 
 
 This boat has no rules, directions, or notice* 
 anywhere. I presume the management thinks its 
 passengers have ordinary intelligence. It's very 
 easy to find your way about, after you find it. 
 
 DAY TWO. 
 
 Slept until 10 A. M. After breakfast visited 
 smoking room ; found the same twelve people there, 
 but none of them were smoking. No pools on 
 run of boat to-day. Saw one woman seasick, where 
 she got it from I don't know; this doesn't seem 
 to be a seasick boat. Visited the life boats on the 
 Sonnen deck. There are eighteen of them that 
 will hold fifty or seventy-five people each; picked 
 my seat out on the little K. A. Victoria in the 
 stern. I note that the food and water is in the 
 stern of the boat. Have not seen the Hon. Car- 
 lisle since last night. He told me last night that 
 he married twenty-eight years ago. Next time I 
 see him I am going to ask him how old he was 
 when he married. 
 
 4 P. M. — Captain Paul Kroek, of the Milwau- 
 
 26 
 
kee militia, introduced me to Captain Foote, 
 a captain of one of the Hamburg-American 
 steamers. Captain Foote asked for leave of 
 absence because he was assigned to ship bound for 
 Brazil with 64,000 cases of gasoline, 10,000 barrels 
 of kerosene and 10,000 sticks of dynamite. The 
 captain says he signed up to be drowned, but he 
 
 be d d if he was going to be burnt up. No 
 
 passengers were allowed on that trip and from 
 what Foote tells me, I don't think the boat has 
 any captain. 
 
 5 P. M. — I called for a round of drinks and 
 there were five at the table. When the third round 
 was drunk, a Hebrew at my right excused himself 
 and left. Why will these people mix business with 
 pleasure. Captain Foote says the Kaiser can't put 
 him in the Germany navy. Captain Paul Kroek, 
 of Milwaukee, says he can. It looks as if Foote 
 doesn't want to fight. 
 
 8 P. M.— Dined alone. The Hon. A. M Car- 
 lisle, P. C, sent word he would not dine to-day, 
 as he always rests the first night and the day fol- 
 lowing. 
 
 In entering the smoking room this evening I 
 was accosted by a gentleman wearing a gray mous- 
 tache and goatee and a peculiar watch eye, a lit- 
 tle abruptly, as follows: 
 
 "My name is Colonel F ; I am 
 
 from Cleveland, Ohio." 
 
 21 
 
I replied: "U. S. A. or C. S. A.?" 
 
 "Both. Have a drink?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 Narrative of Colonel F : "I was a member 
 
 of the Second South Carolina Infantry; joined 
 Lee's forces in 1861; was wounded twice, once in 
 the head — showing it — and the second time in the 
 leg. I was transferred to the cavalry in 1864, 
 and then put on special duty. Was aide-de-camp 
 to General Patrick Cleburne at the Battle of 
 Franklin; was with him on the redout when he 
 was killed. M'y orderly at that time was named 
 Newman. Mr. Newman is now Chairman of the 
 Board of Directors of the New York Central 
 Railroad. 
 
 "I was paroled in 1865, and with forty other 
 soldiers joined the U. S. Army. I rose to the 
 rank of Colonel in the Regular Army and was re- 
 tired for disability in 1881. I am now on my 
 way to Tripoli to learn something of that war. 1 
 am sixty-eight years old." 
 
 This is as nearly exact as I can remember 
 statement. All of his dates and places are very 
 correct from my own knowledge. The Colonel 
 further says he knows the real cause of the Italian- 
 Turkish War and will tell me later. He has three 
 dozen champagne of a special brand and vintage, 
 and is very liberal with it. I will cultivate Col- 
 
 22 
 
onel F and study him. Visited Colonel F 
 
 in his rooms to-day. He has credentials 
 
 from Governor Harmon; is a member of most all 
 the New York prominent clubs; his yacht is now 
 waiting for him at Genoa to convey him to the 
 seat of war in Tripoli. The Colonel pays $650 
 for his suite. A little while ago the Hebrew short- 
 changed me out of a mark. We had a small game 
 of poker and the Hebrew was banker, hence the 
 short change. Hebrew won. 
 
 The game of poker was a ten-cent limit, but 
 
 Colonel F bet me $3.00 on the first 
 
 hand; said he meant ten-cent ante. Game was 
 immediately changed to a twenty-five-cent limit. 
 Colonel opened the first jack-pot for $1.00; 
 Jew raised $2.00. I having remarked that 
 I thought it was a twenty-five-cent limit. Colonel 
 says twenty-five-cent limit of bets, but you can 
 open and raise jack-pots for what is down on the 
 board all right. So I bet $6.00, and the Jew 
 ran, and the Colonel followed, so I won 
 
 the pot. Colonel is worth $5,000,- 
 
 000, so he tells me. He certainly acts 
 it all right. Tried to go to see the second 
 cabin. Rule is no first cabin passengers can go 
 into this cabin. This is probably the only ocean 
 line that has such a rule — but it's a good rule all 
 the same — I find the smoking room is only thirty 
 
feet aft of me and I have -been travelling all 
 around the boat for two days to get there. 
 
 Three dining room stewards and one ordinary 
 water carrier are making up to me and giving me 
 much concern over their expectations. I have no 
 steamer chair and don't want any; when I go on 
 deck I want to walk, not sit. 
 
 DAY THREE. 
 
 Got up at 11 A. M. Lunched with Honorable 
 Carlisle ; says he waited at breakfast for me from 
 8:30 to 10:30; I told him I knew he was wait- 
 ing for me, but that he kept me waiting for 
 breakfast, luncheon and dinner yesterday, and that 
 was the reason I remained away; he excused him- 
 self by saying, if he did not get up for breakfast 
 he did not get up during the day. I spent the 
 day very pleasantly with Mr. Carlisle. Mr. C. 
 
 occupies rooms Nos. 206-208 ; Col. F has Nos. 
 
 232-234; mine No. 228; all located on the Kaiserin 
 deck. Mr. Carlisle's rooms will compare with two 
 rooms and bath of the ordinary New York apart- 
 ment 
 
 I passed an hour to-.day with Mr C. in his 
 rooms; he has whiskey and cigars, but neither 
 drinks nor smokes. I have told him of my ac- 
 quaintance with Colonel F and have 
 
 agreed to introduce him at the proper time. 
 
 24 
 
DAY FOUR. 
 
 Rough night and a terrific day ; a comber came 
 along to-day and broke one of Carlisle's windows; 
 another comber broke three windows and took out 
 a piece of railing on the Kaiser deck; ropes are 
 up at all doors and three rope stewards are on 
 watch at each door to prevent crazy passengers 
 
 from going on deck. Called on Colonel F ; 
 
 found him in bed; says he travels better in 
 bed and will probably stay there until the boat 
 sights his yacht. Looks to me right now like this 
 boat is about to turn over. Carlisle is in bed; 
 asked him why he didn't build more of this boat 
 under water, as it is seven stories high, we should 
 have at least three stories under water, as there 
 are 6,000 feet of it below us; says he never built 
 this boat, so that settled me. 
 
 There are one hundred and seventy first cabin 
 passengers on this ship. One hundred and ten 
 women and children, sixty men; thirty-five of the 
 men are chasing the women, so it only leaves 
 twenty-five men come-at-able. Have agreed with 
 Carlisle to put on full dress one night before w« 
 get to Plymouth, England. 
 
 A comber cleared the dining saloon of all food 
 and dishes. My chicken fricassee went with the 
 rest. Many more combers like this will break up 
 the house. Waves are hitting six stories of the 
 
 25 
 
ship The wind is blowing like an Iowa blizzard. 
 Carlisle says every ninth wave is a ground swell, 
 and he should know ; says water is equal to iron in 
 weight. Compressed water is used as a force to 
 build ships. 
 
 DAY FIVE. 
 
 I was notified last night that the ship would 
 serve a special dinner to Mr. Carlisle and Mr. 
 
 Hart. C says the dinner is given to me; 
 
 that's his way of putting it. Menu was speciallly 
 printed for this dinner for two. The Hebrew is 
 still winning. My number in the pool was four 
 hundred and thirteen miles; ship ran four hun- 
 dred and fourteen miles. Hebrew won. The pool 
 steward gets two dollars and fifty cents of the 
 tweny-five dollars won. 
 
 Had tea with Mr. C. and the hospital nurse. 
 Went into the music room and asked Music Stew- 
 ard if any damage there; said no, only a few 
 legs of tables broken and a few trees blown down. 
 Mr. C. says wintergarten and tea room are only 
 frame houses built on the upper deck and is the 
 worst place to be in in a rolling ship. They can 
 be blown off and not hurt the ship. Mr. C. 
 showed me a bilikin made by Caruso of himself; 
 it is a good likeness. 
 
 The rest of the trip : boat pitched, tossed, rolled, 
 dipped; fell down and got up again. Before re- 
 
 26 
 
tiring Carlisle came to my room and strapped my 
 table to my bedstead. He certainly did tie it 
 tight, for "it held to its moorings. I kept awake 
 in order to stay in bed. Got up about 10 A. M. ; 
 found no one in the dining saloon; returned to 
 my room and ordered breakfast served in the room. 
 Steward asked me what I wanted. I replied any- 
 thing, so long as it's coffee. He brought me coifee 
 and fruit. Said water had put out the fire in the 
 range and the stove. Ran only 361 miles to-day; 
 should run 420 to 430 miles. 
 
 My stateroom is a wreck. Brass bed wrenched 
 eight inches from its moorings ; wardrobe smashed ; 
 everything else is damaged and my heavy trunk 
 is walking around the room ; boat leaked from the 
 roof. When ship rolls and quivers it means she 
 has shipped water on her decks 
 
 day six. 
 
 Got up reasonably early and breakfasted alone. 
 Had luncheon alone Carlisle must have forgotten 
 to get up; hence he won't get up until tomorrow. 
 No use splitting a day in two just to get up. Ritz 
 Carlton restaurant about out of commission 
 
 Captain Russer has been on the bridge over 
 thirty hours. The sailor in the crow's nest is re- 
 leased every hour. 
 
 Colonel F says he has tested the roll 
 
 27 
 
of the ship and remarked that it was 28 degrees. 
 This remark woke up Carlisle, who replied that 
 when a ship rolled 28 degrees no one would ever 
 see daylight again or even 26 degrees. The 
 Kaiserin didn't roll 26 degrees, but she came with- 
 in a very few degrees of it. The captain of the 
 ship remarked it was the worst he had seen in 
 his experience. This conversation occurred in 
 rooms Nos 224-226 ; we found Carlisle had been in 
 bed twenty hours; Colonel F had re- 
 quested an introduction to Mr. C, which was ac- 
 corded him. He then regaled us with his record, 
 gave a history of the Italian-Turkish War from 
 a commercial standpoint. Colonel further said 
 that U 1 . S. Government was providing condensed 
 rations to its soldiers ; that three days' rations for 
 a soldier could be carried in an ordinary pocket- 
 book. 
 
 DAY SEVEN. 
 
 Took kodak pictures to-day of everybody I knew 
 on ship 
 
 Saw a piece of feminine Dresden china to-day 
 with two gentlemen; Mr. C. guessed she was fif- 
 teen to seventeen years old. I guessed nineteen to 
 thirty-eight years. While looking at her she be- 
 gan smoking cigarettes and helped to stow away 
 three quarts of champagne. Told Mr. C. to guess 
 again at her age. About 9 P. M. we went up to 
 
 28 
 
the smoking room; found everything chained 
 down tight. Nothing slipping except people; all 
 the outside doors were closed and roped up; three 
 rope stewards guarded each door Nobody said 
 anything and nobody asked any questions, even 
 the women were quiet. There was no let up in 
 the rolling of the ship No one at this juncture 
 cared to know how many degrees the ship was 
 rolling. 
 
 Do you think she is rolling 26 degrees now? I 
 queried. I hope not Would the Amerika roll 
 like this? I don't know. I never saw a storm 
 like this. 
 
 THE STORM. 
 
 On Thursday night, December 14, about 
 P. M., I noticed the swelling ocean, spattering its 
 white caps over the ship I thought nothing of it, 
 because I was a novice at ocean travelling. Dur- 
 ing the night the ship rolled and tossed and 
 pitched. I assumed that this was the ordinary 
 way of a big ship in a rough sea I called on 
 Mr. C. and he said the "ship was rolling very 
 badly and to a great degree." I asked him how 
 he knew. He said: "I measured it with my eye. 
 Noticing the swing of my glasses hanging on the 
 wall I can come within a degree of the actual roll." 
 I asked him if the captain of the ship knew to 
 what degree the ship was rolling. "Yes, every roll 
 
 29 
 
is automatically recorded and thi6 ship is rolling 
 very badly." I said get up, then, and let's go 
 into the wintergarten He replied: "The winter- 
 garten is the worst place on the boat to go to, 
 because the roll at the top is many points greater 
 than at the base." "Well, I said, get up there is 
 music up there. I knew this would catch him 
 because he likes music better than his dinner. 
 When we got into the Wintergarten I fell among 
 the chairs, while he held to the steward and the 
 railing. When I got anchored I said to him that 
 the women looked white and blanched, that they 
 knew that he was familiar with navigation, so 
 let's laugh a little. He said all right, "if you can 
 laugh I can." Just then most of the tables and 
 chairs were put out of business. After gathering 
 ourselves up we sat there for one hour and then 
 went down to dinner. In a few minutes every- 
 thing we had in front of us was on the floor; 
 dishes and cut glass and everything else, includ- 
 ing my bottle of Manacea water; racks were 
 placed there to hold the glasses, but I guess no 
 one cared to eat much. 
 
 DAY EIGHT. 
 
 Didn't get up until 12 M. Old ocean smoother 
 and got down to its normal condition; we ran 
 406 knots in twenty-four hours, forty-seven miles 
 
 30 
 
better than yesterday. Passengers most all ac- 
 quainted with each other and very many exchang- 
 ing cards. Carlisle is to get off at Plymouth. 
 Captain notified him that ship would anchor at 
 1 A. M. Thirty passengers are to get off, but 
 three out of the thirty say they will remain on 
 board until 7 A. M. to-morrow. This division 
 has caused considerable stir, as there is a rule on 
 the Hamburg-American Line that it is optional 
 for any passenger to decide if he cares to leave the 
 ship after 11 P. M. The action of these three 
 people will delay the ship eight hours if insisted 
 upon. Carlisle is in a stew, because the captain 
 will not discharge any passengers unless all go. 
 No one seems to know who the dissenters are. I 
 think I know who two of them are, a well-known 
 expected divorcee and her maid. 
 
 Captain has notified Carlisle that he can land 
 at 1 A. M. All have agreed to go. Bar steward 
 has notified everybody that smoking room and bar 
 will be kept open until 1 A. M. Wintergarten 
 is also running. Dresden china girl still drinking 
 champagne. 
 
 11 P. M.— Passed the Lizard at 9 P. M.; 
 sighted Bishop's Rock at 11 P. M. and Eddystone 
 Light at the same time. 
 
 1 A. M. — Anchored at Plymouth, England. 
 Said good-bye to Carlisle. Ship raised anchor 
 at 3 A. M. 
 
 31 
 
LAST DAY. 
 
 Got up at 9 A. M.; 10 A. M. sighted Cher- 
 bourg, prance, and anchored in a driving rain 
 storm. No covering of any account on the lighter ; 
 loaded all the passengers on it and after standing 
 in the rain for fifteen minutes, lighter docked at 
 Cherbourg, while the Kaiserin Auguste Victoria 
 steamed off for Hamburg. 
 
 32 
 
CHERBOURG. 
 
 No one wants to know anything about Cher- 
 bourg, especially in the rain, so let Cherbourg 
 slide. 
 
 On the train with my luggage at 1 P. M., hav- 
 ing been greatly assisted by my Hebrew friend. 
 He got me a porter and after we landed, request- 
 ed a five franc piece to pay my porter. I gave 
 it to him, and lo and behold, it paid all the score, 
 including his baggage, so I was short-changed by 
 him for the third time, lmt I don't care, he helped 
 me land and get through the Custom House in 
 good shape and without much delay. 
 
 Left Cherbourg promptly at 1 P. M. The train 
 conductor was very pleasant to me, as he noticed 
 I was not feeling too well; he spoke English 
 fluently; told me to make myself comfortable and 
 asked me if I wished luncheon. I told him I 
 would have some tea at 4 o'clock. Promptly at 
 4 o'clock the dining car conductor called for me 
 to get my luncheon. The distance from Cher- 
 bourg to Paris is about 300 miles, which we ran 
 in seven hours and ten minutes. Promptly at 
 7 :10 we arrived at San Lazzare station and I was 
 met by Mr. Felder's valet, William Kee, of Nash- 
 ville, Tenn., with the limousine auto and the 
 French chauffeur. After arranging with William 
 to have my trunks passed through the Custom 
 
 33 
 
House on the following day, I was whisked 
 through Paris up the Champs Elysees into the 
 Avenue du Bois, and at 8 :15 I arrived at No. 55. 
 I was placed in the unique looking little elevator, 
 pushed button No. 5 and soon was landed at the 
 apartment of my host and hostess. 
 
 34 
 
PARIS. 
 
 No city in the world, probably, has such a 
 uniform skyline as Paris. The building regula- 
 tion of seven stories and no greater height for 
 any building, lets the visitor always see the sky- 
 line even if he is walking. Something that is 
 denied the New Yorker in New York. The per- 
 fect fan spread out represents its beautiful streets. 
 1 will make no attempt at description for Paris 
 is described in too many books, too many maga- 
 zines, and too many newspapers. At the outset 
 I set forth my determination as to descriptions, 
 so the reader must look elsewhere to read about 
 Paris from a descriptive standpoint. 
 
 Paris is a good place to visit if you have the 
 price ; so is France. Buy a Baedeker or get one of 
 the Hamburg-American line guides. They can 
 tell you more than I know or could find out in 
 twelve months. Don't look for the Latin quarter. 
 It is not there any more, no more than the remains 
 of Danton, Marat or Robespierre that once ruled 
 with a cruel hand. The Latin quarter has fol- 
 lowed them but Le Empereur is there always. 
 
 Three weeks in Paris should be sufficient time to 
 get acquainted with the town, but if that time is 
 passed in an auto, you cannot so easily familiarize 
 yourself with every locality; however, I managed 
 to pull through all right, and don't think I was 
 
 35 
 
misunderstood but once. When I told the chaf- 
 feur to take me to Mai Maison (my house), In 
 about twenty minutes I found myself in the Bon 
 de Bolougne, en route to Josephine's former home, 
 Mai Maison. I corrected him by shouting "Chez- 
 Moi," and soon had him back to No. 55 Avenue 
 du Bois in time for an 8 o'clock dinner. 
 
 I did Paris in a hurry, as I had so much ground 
 to get over. I knew I would leave something out, 
 unless I galloped through each place. 
 
 I saw everything that was to be seen in Paris. 
 I saw quickly, but took time enough to fairly im- 
 bue myself with the subject. I walked through 
 the Luxemburg Gardens ; visited an American bar. 
 Bought a drink and a cigar; cigar was broken; 
 barkeeper refused to exchange it so I paid for it, 
 threw it away, and steadfastly during my stay in 
 Paris, I refused to patronize the place. Was in- 
 troduced to a French-American artist who talked 
 freely of French art; agreed with everything he 
 said ; when I found I had to say something, I told 
 him I thought Apt's chicken painting was the 
 best I ever saw, and Kneller's Lord Howe and 
 Countess of Derby were about the best portraits 
 ever painted. I think he agreed with me. Then 
 T bade him good-bye. 
 
 The stores of Paris may contain fine goods, but 
 they are not nearly as palatial, or cleanly as the 
 stores in America. Marshall Field's, Altaian's, 
 
 36 
 
Wanamaker's have no equal in Paris in any way. 
 Possibly better and cheaper linens, laces and gloves 
 may be obtained, but as retail stores, New York's 
 and Chicago's are superior. Again there is no 
 shopping street in Paris equal to Fifth Avenue; 
 same may apply to the hotels and cafes, but Paris 
 is all alone in many ways and no place is its equal 
 or like it. It seeans to be well governed, and yet 
 the Apache of the Bois de Boulogne robs and mur- 
 ders his victim and often gets away; these rob- 
 beries and murders startle Paris about once a 
 week. 
 
 Visited* the Pantheon, and passed some time 
 studying Rodin's "Thinker." Just as I entered 
 the guard yelled, "To the Crypt." So I joined 
 the procession accompanied by Nettie Belle. Af- 
 ter gazing silently at the urn of J. J. Rousseau, 
 and right opposite at Victor Hugo's, then at Vol- 
 taire's, then Bertolait and his wife, both of whom 
 died the same day, I asked for Dumas, and was 
 told that he was lying in La Chaise. Danton was 
 once in this Crypt but the people raided the place 
 and threw Danton out. 
 
 The new piece in plaster, La Convention Na- 
 tionale, is in the foreground; it will soon be in 
 marble ; it represents the people crying to Marshal 
 Hock for a new constitution. 
 
 To the Madelaine to see it let out, I gave ten 
 minutes. This large church edifice has no win- 
 
 37 
 
dows ; light is emitted through the doors. I stood, 
 as the people passed out, the sexton continually 
 shoving me about; one person out of ten touched 
 the brushes which held holy water. 
 
 Christmas Eve night is one of the great celebra- 
 tions in Paris. My good host tendered me his 
 auto for the night, as on account of his illness with 
 la grippe, he was unable to accompany me. I 
 thought of my Hebrew friend. I knew he was 
 staying at the Continental, so I told the chauffeur 
 to go there. As I pulled up in front of the en- 
 trance there he stood in all his regalia: a dinner 
 coat, a black string tie and an opera hat of the 
 vintage of 1839. 
 
 I told him my errand was to see Paris to-night, 
 that he, having been to Paris fifty-eight times 
 (twice a year for twenty-nine years) should know 
 all about it; he acquiesced in my invitation, and 
 asked me how long I had the machine for, and 
 where did I get it. After setting his mind at rest 
 on these questions he asked me if I objected 
 to having a lady accompany us. I asked him who, 
 and he replied, "Mme. G., of Chicago." I told 
 him to get her. He then sent his card up to the 
 lady's room, with whom it appears he had an en- 
 gagement; she quickly responded to his card. 
 Well, she was the ugliest woman I ever put my 
 eyes on, but I soon saw she was a lady and one of 
 unusual intelligence, so I turned on the lights in 
 
 88 
 
the machine and told them not to disturb the 
 flowers, and asked my friend whither? "To the 
 Dead Eat," he ordered in genuine French. Arriv- 
 ing at the Dead Eat, my friend attempted to get 
 in, but was refused admittance, as it was full; 
 then he ordered the chauffeur to go to the Abbaye. 
 To the Abbaye we rushed, only to repeat the per- 
 formance. As this was growing monotonous, I 
 told him to let me try. As I reached the entrance 
 of the place and saw an opening; I beckoned my 
 companions to follow me quickly. Getting into 
 the hallway I saw about fourteen Cocottes. I got 
 a handful of small coins and threw them into the 
 crowd. This manifestation of prodigal liberality 
 settled the question of our entrance. We were 
 shown upstairs into the main salon and secured 
 a table, when to my horror my Hebrew friend 
 turned white. I said, "what's the trouble?" He 
 replied they want fifty francs each for supper and 
 no wine. And the supper is nothing but soup 
 and cold chicken. "Well," I replied, "give the 
 waiter 150 francs; that's cheap enough for a place 
 like this. "Oh, Mr. Hart, 150 francs for supper 
 and 150 francs for the wine, that means $60.00. 
 You surely don't mean that. I know you are a 
 millionaire, but look at me. I can't stand for 
 that." "Well," I said, "give this nigger a Louis 
 (a nigger is the head man at Abbaye — he caane 
 from Georgia). At that request, he nearly fainted, 
 
but I made him take out the gold piece and give 
 it. This was our only salvation in leaving the 
 place, after making my bluff to get in. Seating 
 ourselves in the auto, I said, "Where are you going 
 now?" "I think we will try Edward VII on Rue 
 Cammartin ; it's new and beautiful." I asked him 
 why not Maxim's. At this he laughed, as much 
 as to say, "You want the earth." We arrived at 
 Edward VII about 1 A. M., and I had the pleas- 
 ure of an introduction to Bonfare, the star of 
 the Moulin Rouge, who was to sing at Edward 
 VII twice that night for 1,000 francs. I could 
 not see Bonfare's face on account of the paint 
 on it. At close range her lips looked like Me- 
 phisto's, the red paint reaching nearly to the ears. 
 She was accompanied by an attache of the Rou- 
 mania Embassy, who was smitten with her. We 
 became well acquainted. I said "oui" once in a 
 while and she jabbered considerable. She had at 
 least forty rings on her fingers. She drank wine 
 freely, and asked me if I would not return to 
 Edward's on New Year's Eve. (I did return to 
 Edward's and found the same attache and Bon- 
 fare, and before I left she asked me, through an 
 interpreter, if I would give her some jewels. I 
 excused myself at that time and suggested that 
 her hands were already full. She replied that she 
 loved diamonds and wanted them so she could 
 remember me. I told her to forget it.) 
 
 40 
 
My Hebrew friend was getting tired, so I sent 
 him to his hotel, after he had short-changed me 
 out of seven francs. This is the last throw that 
 Jew will ever get at me. At 5 A. M. I arrived 
 at Maxim's. The doors were barred and a row of 
 policemen were in front. I pleaded for admission, 
 and finally one officer pointed to another. I took 
 the cue; handed out a five-franc piece. Up went 
 the shutters and I was pushed into the arms of 
 the head bandmaster at Maxim's. Another five- 
 franc piece secured me a table and I remained 
 until the festivities were over. Maxim's isn't 
 worth a description. I went there because I heard 
 of it as a place worth seeing. 
 
 They would have to give me more than ten 
 francs to get me there again. I returned to 
 "Chez-Moi," pushed the little button in the ele- 
 vator and was soon in my room and asleep. 
 
 The next time I visited Paris at night was 
 with Tom; he took me to five theatres and I 
 failed to find or see the stage at any but the Al- 
 hambra; saw a very fine English ballet; the chil- 
 dren were exceptionally fine. Following my visit 
 to five theatres in one night, Tom escorted me to 
 "Societe de Propogation de la Boxe Anglaise." 
 Here I witnessed five scientific prize-fights, the 
 last being between Kid McCoy and George Gun- 
 ther, an Australian nigger. McCoy won. The 
 arena was full of gentlemen in full dress with a 
 
 41 
 
fair sprinkling of ladies. We were seated at the 
 ringside in front. There was nothing brutal about 
 the fights; no knockouts, as the pairs were very 
 evenly matched. The next day I met Kid McCoy 
 and asked him why he didn't knock the nigger out, 
 and he replied that he did try to, but couldn't. 1 
 am afraid forty years of age is too old for a prize 
 lighter. And I said to the kid that he would drop 
 to some one before he got back to America. I 
 guess he is making money and has to stand up 
 until he is knocked out. 
 
 The airships, aeroplanes and dirigibles are sail- 
 ing about Paris daily if the weather is pleasant; 
 they have ceased to be a curiosity any more. Saw 
 Santos Dumont on the boulevard; the little fel- 
 low has quit the air business apparently. 
 
 Went riding with Tom to-day, was tired and 
 sleepy, and when Tom found out I was asleep 
 while he was talking, said it was a disgrace to go 
 to sleep in Paris and cut me up with a general 
 lecture on sleeping. I paid little attention until 
 be threatened to have the chauffeur drive me home. 
 I straightened up and agreed to keep awake if he 
 would give me a cigar. This compromise of the 
 affair pleased him. He said I had lost much by 
 going to sleep in the streets, that he was explain- 
 ing the statue of Henry of Navarre on the left 
 side of the Seine and also the column that used 
 to hold the horses that Napoleon stole from Italy. 
 42 
 
I asked him where the horses were and he said' 
 they were sent back to Italy and others were put 
 in their places. He said I also missed the sight 
 of the Prison where Henry killed himself and 
 Patty du Clam died. Just then he pulled up 
 at Henry's in the Rue Volney and I asked him if 
 this Henry was any relation to that Henry, and 
 he said "who?". I replied, "This is Henry's 
 ain't it?" "Yes, but this Henry is a Dutchman 
 who has lived in Paris twenty-five years; the 
 ether Henry was a Frenchman who tried to do 
 something to Germany and Dreyfus." I 6aid 
 "Oh!" and he looked disgusted. I asked him to 
 take me where I could buy an $8.00 bracelet 
 watch, and he refused, saying it would cost more* 
 to pay for the auto than the watch. 
 
 43 
 
FONTAINEBLEAU. 
 
 Hotel De France et a Angleterre at the en- 
 trance of the palace is probably the most expen- 
 sive hotel in the world. I was required to pay 
 $1.50 for an ordinary cigar and a drink of whiskey 
 and soda. The waiter wanted to arrange luncheon 
 for me, but I told him that I had to retain enough 
 money to get back to Paris, and as I did not know 
 what I had to go through with in paying my 
 guide through the palace, I thought it best to go 
 hungry. He let me go after short-changing me 
 out of sixty cents. 
 
 I visited the palace (Sunday) and was fort- 
 unate in securing one of the door guards to ac- 
 company me. I was advised to employ one who 
 could speak English, but I preferred a French- 
 man, as by that means I might learn a few more 
 words to add to my French vocabulary which at 
 this time was composed of only such words as oui, 
 cinq et cinq, Avenue du Bois, partout, Rue, Cafe, 
 Chez moi, Bon Marche, Continental and a few 
 Rues. 
 
 On entering the palace I found that I was all 
 alone with my guard, no one else within its sacred 
 precincts. 
 
 My Frenchman started to tell me what I was 
 looking at. I shouted "show me the room where 
 Pope Pius VII was a prisoner. When I got into 
 
 44 
 
the room I demanded to be shown the Cardinal's 
 room, then his name. This stumped the guard, 
 but finally he got it out — Conselve. Now the 
 guard room. Now show me the place where the 
 German Emperor or William I stood — the exact 
 spot where William I was proclaimed Emperor 
 of Germany. Then he took me in the large re- 
 ception hall and pointed out the spot. This his- 
 torical circumstance is not advertised in France, 
 but it is a matter of history that Bismarck had 
 William proclaimed Emperor of Germany in the 
 Palace of Fontainebleau; later he was crowned 
 in Germany. 
 
 "Now show me the Article of Abdication signed 
 by Napoleon I." 
 
 He showed me the fac-simile, the original is 
 in the Archives of France. Now the table on 
 which it was signed. There was the little table, 
 marked by the notch made by Napoleon in his 
 anger, with a knife. 
 
 Now for the library begun by Francis I. Then 
 the rooms of Madam Maintenon, the Emperor's 
 rooms and so on through the great palace, prob- 
 ably the show-place of France. And while Na- 
 poleon would not stay at the palace at Versailles, 
 he lived much at Fontainebleau. My guide was 
 very reasonable, very gentlemanly. He said I was 
 too quick for him. But I saw Fontainebleau Pal- 
 ace for two hours, which was well worth the day 
 
 45 
 
I gave to get there and return to Paris. The or- 
 dinary traveler should give as many days as I gave 
 hours to this wonderful palace. 
 
 46 
 
CALLING ON TOM KIECK. 
 
 One evening Tom concluded he would take me 
 to see his friend, Tom Keck. So he ordered a 
 machine from the Tea House of Fouquet and we 
 started — en route we stopped once or twice and 
 the time slipped by so rapidly that it was nearly 
 twelve o'clock when we arrived at our destination. 
 The doors of the gate were bolted and the Con- 
 cierge was evidently asleep. Tom said to the 
 chauffeur "ala Concierge Monsieur Keck." After 
 some minutes our chauffeur returned with the mes- 
 sage that Monsieur Keck didn't live there. At 
 this Tom alighted and the following dialogue took 
 place. "Monsieur Tom Keck ala twar — ze — e — 
 chaz — " The chauffeur said, "Monsieur Keck, up- 
 stairs." Chauffeur said, "Parley vous?" Tom 
 said, "Oui, ah moi — eh — ze — old man this fellow 
 can't talk French worth a cent. Give him the 
 whole alphabet, Tom, and wake up the janitor." 
 "Don't you see the door is shut. It's against the 
 law to wake up a janitor after twelve o'clock in 
 Paris. If you haven't the combination to the gate, 
 you'd better let him sleep." Then Tom said to 
 our patient-waiting chauffeur, "Zee — e — ala gon 
 away, Donna, Niente Fatuendo." Oh, hell, "Chez 
 Moi !" "Let's go home, old man !" And we went. 
 We found out the next day that Tom Keck used 
 
 47 
 
to live there, but had moved; and after consult- 
 ing his French book, Tom found he had been 
 talking some French and some Italian, but the 
 Niente Fatuendo told the story. 
 
 48 
 
HENRY'S. 
 
 On Rue Volney, a resort for Americans prin- 
 cipally. Champagne is sold for a franc a drink; 
 cigars the same. The other floors are used for a 
 hotel by Henry. It is well kept. Among its 
 prominent guests is Hobby, the only steamship 
 commissioner outside passenger agent in Paris. 
 Hobby is all walk. On Proctor's circuit Hobby 
 would score a success. Hobby has been living at 
 Henry's ever since Henry was Henry. He says 
 about thirty years ago Henry tried to emigrate 
 to America. He crossed on a German boat and 
 landed at Hoboken. Henry not liking the looks 
 of New York, refused to leave Hoboken, return- 
 ing on the same boat to France. Hobby is a fine 
 character and well liked by all frequenters of 
 Henry's. 
 
 TRAVELLERS' CLUB. 
 
 A beautiful building located near the Arc on 
 the Champs Elysees, designated as the Travellers' 
 Club of Paris, demands more than passing com- 
 ment. Among its members all nations are 
 counted, many travellers of world-wide fame use 
 its registers and seek its beautiful salons. Prince, 
 Lord, Duke or Commander are associated within 
 the spacious precincts of the club. Its suspended 
 stairway and balcony of onyx is in itself one of the 
 sights of Paris. The Travellers acquired this 
 
 49 
 
property after the last Eevolution. At one time 
 it was supposed to be the property of Napo- 
 leon the Third. Many Americans are enrolled 
 in the Travellers; probably there are very few 
 Americans who reside in Paris part of the time 
 that are not associated with the Travellers' Club. 
 I passed many very pleasant hours there during 
 my stay. 
 
 50 
 
LONDON. 
 
 Three days in London hurried me somewhat, 
 but I got a fair view of the city, and a line on all 
 the principal points of interest, all through the 
 kindness of my good friend, Carlisle. Arrived 
 at Charing Cross promptly on time and took lodg- 
 ings at the Savoy. All alone in London this first 
 night. I took in the Alhambra, a fairly good 
 show, that's all. 
 
 My friend called the next day and took me to 
 the Eeform Club, and through many parts of old 
 London. Lunched with Carlisle at his home, No. 
 12 Hyde Park Place; other guests were one of the 
 representatives of the New York Sun, and the 
 representative of the New York Times. We fin- 
 ished at 3 P. M. After dropping the corre- 
 spondents, I asked Mr. C. the names of the guests. 
 He said he didn't know. This was my first notice 
 that Mr. C. could not remember names. We re- 
 turned to the Savoy, and there I was introduced 
 by Mr. C. to Mr. Edward Sharer, of Glasgow. Mr. 
 Sharer builds the great dreadnaughts for Eng- 
 land's admiralty. Visited with Mr. Sharer for 
 an hour. Dined at Picadilly Grill, said to be the 
 largest and handsomest grill room in London. 
 Had tea at the Savoy at a dollar a cup, includ- 
 ing trimmings. At 10 P. M. visited Hotel Hol- 
 born, stopped at No. 46 Doughty Street and in- 
 
 51 
 
spected the residence of Charles Dickens, now a 
 boarding house. Doughty Street is much like 
 Sampson Street, Philadelphia. Doughty Cham- 
 bers is opposite, and Old Curiosity Shop around 
 the corner; then back to the Savoy to rest. 
 
 At 10 A. M. Mr. C. took me to service in St. 
 Paul's, and afterwards service in Westminster 
 Abbey, winding up with a drive to the Marble 
 Arch, then on the Mall to Buckingham Palace to 
 Rotten Row; then up the Strand, through Regent 
 Street to Burlington Arcade at the Bank of Eng- 
 land and in it and through it; to the Cecil and 
 everywhere in London that a lively car could carry 
 me. Occasionally we would leave the machine and 
 mount the top of a bus and ride through the busy 
 streets. These busses seldom stop to let anyone 
 on or off, sometimes they slow up. I only got on 
 and got off running. 
 
 London is more reasonable than Paris, and 
 England is more liberal than France. People in 
 England seem to be satisfied ; in France it is hard 
 sometimes to suit them. In England the air seems 
 free to breathe ; in France they would charge you 
 for it. I saw no beggars in England. I was an- 
 noyed to death in France. The Englishman is 
 satisfied with himself and his country. The 
 Frenchman is dissatisfied with himself and his 
 government, so a change may be expected. 
 
 62 
 
SOME SIGN IN LONDON. 
 How to Fight Germany 
 
 READ 
 
 JOHN BULL 
 
 The above sign is handsomely painted and lo- 
 cated in a prominent place on the Strand, near 
 the Savoy Hotel, London, England. 
 
 53 
 
LONDON, PARIS, NEW YORK. 
 
 There should be no comparison of the three 
 cities. London is greater than Paris, Paris is 
 greater than New York, and New York is greater 
 than London; thus you have it. All of them sur- 
 pass each other. There are no stores in the world 
 like those of Chicago and New York. The man- 
 ager of the Bon Marche, Paris, objected to such 
 a statement, and would only admit that the build- 
 ings that held the goods were better. He said : "We 
 sold at retail 247,000,000 francs last year, about 
 $49,000,000, and we sell to the rabble and to roy- 
 alty." I then asked him how many silk stockings 
 he had in his stock. He hardly knew. When I 
 told him that Marshall Field, Wanamaker and 
 Altman had more silk stockings in their stock than 
 were in the whole of Paris, he shrugged his 
 shoulders and smiled. 
 
 Paris has no equal in the world, neither has 
 London, and no more has New York. 
 
 54 
 
SHAKESPEARE— STRATFORD. 
 
 To visit Shakespeare's birclrplace and residence 
 had always been a great desire. Paris and Lon- 
 don were secondary considerations. I accom- 
 plished this desire on Friday, January 5, 1912. I 
 arrived at the pretty little station before 3 P. M. 
 I soon engaged a Shakespeare cab, three-fourths of 
 which was glass and started for the church. Ar- 
 riving in due course, I knocked at the glass and 
 iron door and was admitted by the sexton, who al- 
 ways keeps the door locked. He immediately re- 
 quested me to register (charge one shilling). Af- 
 ter registering, as I was standing at the end of the 
 center isle, he called my attention to a complete 
 bend in the construction of the church, the bend 
 beginning at the commencement of the altar. This 
 he said was accounted for as a freak in construc- 
 tion. The church being rebuilt in three periods, 
 beginning in the 16th century and ending in the 
 18th century. The effect of the bend would appear 
 as designed, but the sexton says it was accidental, 
 probably the "plumb line" was out of order. I 
 then asked him if I could see the Register of Mar- 
 riages. He replied that no one was allowed to 
 handle it, except by an order of the Bishop, as 
 the Bishop wasn't in sight, I told him I didn't 
 want to handle it, but merely wished to inspect 
 it. He then said I could see it in a glass case; 
 
 55 
 
this exactly suited me. In most all the ''Lives of 
 Shakespeare" I have read, it is asserted that he 
 had a daugher named Judith, who married at the 
 age of forty in this church and that she signed 
 the Eegister "Judith (her mark X) Shakespeare." 
 After viewing this Register, I cannot conceive of 
 any author making such a statement, as all the 
 Registers in this church are written up by the 
 clerk of the church, and no one ever signed any 
 of them. It seems that after Shakespeare became 
 prominent and a source of revenue to the town of 
 Stratford, the then clerk of the church looked up 
 the names of seven Shakespeares who were buried 
 or married in this church, and opposite each name 
 placed a cross mark in order to be able to show the 
 visitor quickly who of the Shakespeares were com- 
 municants in this church. The sexton's exposition 
 of the facts proves to me that such editions of 
 Shakespeare, containing such statements are scarce- 
 ly worth reading. It is wholly unnecessary for me 
 to try and combat the Shakespeare claimants. To 
 any sensible person combatting the argu- 
 ments of these adherents — and I refer to 
 all the people in Stratford only — it is 
 only necessary to listen to them to make 
 up your mind that they are laboring under a strain 
 to try and convince you, although you have not 
 denied that Shakespeare wrote everything attrib- 
 uted to him. The strongest certain argument that 
 
 56 
 
Shakespeare did not write the works attributed to 
 him, is that he never really put in a genuine claim 
 to authorship by any act of his; he had no corre- 
 spondence with any of his associates as to the merit 
 of his works, or on any other subject. 'Tis true 
 that probably most of them were published dur- 
 ing his life and his name appended to them, but 
 he seems to have been too modest to discuss them. 
 At this period the most valuable asset of any writer 
 was the books or manuscripts he left behind him. 
 Apparently Shakespeare placed no value on them. 
 A large portion of his scenes were laid in Italy 
 and the characters were Italians, yet there is posi- 
 tively no evidence that he ever went to Italy. In 
 his will be made no reference to his books, but 
 gave his "second best bed and furniture" to his 
 wife. According to history, he held horses in Lon- 
 don, was a valet, an actor and part maanger of 
 "The Globe," doctored up plays and invented 
 scenes to make them presentable. Neither his 
 father or mother could read or write, while no 
 one ever found a record of who his paternal grand- 
 father was. He played the Ghost in Hamlet once 
 — a very appropriate part. 
 
 Again. During the Shakespeare period, very 
 probably 80 per cent, of the people of Stratford 
 could neither read or write, a very poor place to 
 produce such a man as Shakespeare is claimed to 
 have been ; a scholar, a soldier, a lawyer, an artist, 
 
 57 
 
a poet, a diplomat, a sailor, a man of unfathom- 
 able learning, the depths of which can never be 
 measured, whose keenness of precision has never 
 missed its mark, and whose fullness of thought 
 and action can never be equalled. No, Shake- 
 speare, 'he himself," was a plodder, a man of very 
 ordinary nature; poor in thought, reasonably sharp 
 but ignorant, unjust and vindictive. For proof, 
 please note his will — and I think every unprej- 
 udiced person will accord with me; if not, then 
 go to the church and look at the original bust of 
 him, and you will see there the counterpart of a 
 fat, sleek, wine agent. 
 
 In looking over Stratford, in gazing upon 
 Shakespeare's church, in walking over the slab 
 "curst be he who moves my bones," in seeing the 
 figure of Margaret Clopton and the bust of Shake- 
 speare, then going to his house and the cottage of 
 Anne Hathaway, then coming back and going over 
 the whole ground again, then talking to the sex- 
 ton and hearing him discourse on the identity of 
 the poet, you will be more convinced than ever 
 that Shakespeare was a very ordinary man, and 
 further, that he never wrote anything; never had 
 any correspondence with anybody; never kept a 
 scrap of paper or any record of anything in the 
 literary line,- except his epitaph. Now he has 
 fame, but there is something lacking to make it 
 last much longer. There is evidence that Queen 
 
Elizabeth commanded Shakespeare to write a play, 
 and it is assumed the play was "The Merry Wives 
 of Windsor," but Lord Bacon handed that com- 
 mand to him. A responsibility rests upon those 
 agitators who repudiate Shakespeare's claim to 
 authorship; they must dig deep into records and 
 try and find out absolutely the truth. I'm too 
 far away to do anything but forcibly assert 
 the negative. For no man of such rearing 
 and surroundings and such small educational 
 advantages could possibly produce such works. 
 The man who wrote Shakespeare at least at- 
 tended a high school and must have had some 
 correspondence with some one on the subject 
 and left some legitimate acknowledgment de- 
 manding recognition of these great works. There 
 must be a preface somewhere claiming the court- 
 esy of the reading public, asking them to listen 
 to his songs; to the truths he uttered, the plans 
 he unfolded, the humanity he portrayed, the 
 teachings he proclaimed, for he gave them freely 
 and without reward, and yet most of his life was 
 passed in their preparation and it is reasonable to 
 suspect that some one else besides the author may 
 have said something about them between the years 
 1600 and 1616. If so, where is it? No one 
 knows anything about Shakespeare, except by in- 
 ference; all editions of his life are contradictory 
 on most points. No one knows where his father 
 
 59 
 
was born. Most of them agree that he was an 
 alderman, but was expelled from the board; all 
 agree that his financial condition was at the zero 
 point and yet at this very period Shakespeare was 
 worth thousands of pounds, but he gave no relief 
 to him that any one knows of. He was not a duti- 
 ful son ; and I don't believe he wrote Shakespeare. 
 
 PAKIS TO MARSEILLES. 
 
 We had a Berliner from Paris to Marseilles. A 
 Berliner is a car with compartments for three ; that 
 is, three reclining chairs or berths, are side by side. 
 Tom had secured the tickets and the berths in the 
 Berliner. When the conductor came he refused to 
 accept the two tickets from Tom and Nettie Belle 
 for a three-compartment Berliner, and if he ac- 
 cepted them he required that I should remain in 
 the same compartment with Tom and Nettie Belle 
 and absolutely refused to show me my Berliner, 
 unless we purchased a fourth ticket. Now, 
 all this conversation was in French, as pure 
 French as they make it. Finally, the conductor 
 said there was a lady in the next car who spoke 
 French, so he could understand her and suggested 
 we interview her. So I accompanied Nettie Belle 
 and the conductor to the lady's compartment. 
 When we entered we found two old Dowager 
 Duchesses and an old Lord asleep. The fool con- 
 ductor awakened the old lady and told her his 
 
 60 
 
errand, at the same time Nettie Belle spoke to her 
 and suggested that I move out. The old lady told 
 the conductor that Nettie Belle spoke better 
 French than she did and she could see no neces- 
 sity for calling on her to interpret. The conduc- 
 tor said that at the next station — about midnight 
 — he would see the station agent and settle the 
 matter. The station agent decided in our favor, 
 so we returned to our Berliner. Tom was very 
 hot under the collar and wanted to punch the fool 
 conductor. When he found things settled, he 
 turned to me and said: "Old man, do you know 
 the reason for all this trouble?" "Well, I'll tell 
 
 you. Nettie Belle has been so stingy with her 
 
 French that she came very near having us all put 
 off the train." I rolled up in some blankets hired 
 at the station in Paris and tried to go to sleep, 
 between a Jew from Baxter Street, New York, 
 and a Scotchman from Glasgow; it reminded me 
 very much of railroad travel during the war times 
 in Mississippi. I rolled out, clothes and all at 
 Avignon, France, to get some coffee, and before I 
 could grab the cup from the French woman she 
 filled it half full of goat's milk. If there is any- 
 thing I hate it's goat's milk. Between the rot- 
 ten Berliner, the conductor, the bed fellows and 
 goat's milk, I thought of Chez Moi. 
 
 61 
 
FEOM MARSEILLES TO ALEXANDRIA. 
 
 INDISPOSED. 
 
 Old Lady: When I was born, I was so small 
 they could put me in a coffee pot and shut down 
 the lid. 
 
 Second Old Lady: And did you live? 
 
 Old Lady: They say I did and did well. 
 
 Nettie Belize. 
 
 Ice cream and Boule baillse for which Mar- 
 seilles is so celebrated, don't go very well together, 
 but I tried the combination once — anybody should 
 try anything once — and failed to destroy the ef- 
 fect, after taking two India China oiled capsules. 
 I managed to ride (on the day following my diet 
 of fish and ice cream) to the good ship Schleswig, 
 lying at the pier at Marseilles, opposite the Cha- 
 teau D'if. Sailing for Alexandria I soon got my 
 quarters, and as the ship sailed, I rang violently 
 for the ship's doctor. A dapper little German pre- 
 sented himself ready for business. "Vat's the 
 matter?" "I don't know; that's why I sent for 
 you in order to find out. Raising my eyelashes, 
 he said : "Did you ever have the yellow jaundice ?" 
 "No; I'm just getting it for the first time." 
 "Well, I'll give you some calomel." "What for?" 
 "Well you get it all right. I gif you three and 
 one-half grains; den I gif you some Carlsbad and 
 you got them both." 
 
 62 
 
1 P. M. — Now I give you a schoppen of oil. 
 How does that strike you?" 
 
 "All right." And I got the schoppen. 
 7 A. M.— "No good?" 
 "No." 
 
 "Well, I'll give you some more all right." So 
 I got another schoppen. 
 
 2 P. M.— "No good?" 
 
 "I guess I'll die all right, Doc." 
 
 "Well, why don't you eat something? I'm not 
 sure what's the matter with you." 
 
 "Neither am I, and I don't propose to eat any- 
 thing." 
 
 "But you are getting yellow already." 
 
 "Doc, when will I get greener than what I am ?" 
 
 "About to-morrow." 
 
 "Now, what are you going to do?" 
 
 "I think I give you about a quart of olive oil 
 and some isen." 
 
 "What's isen?" 
 
 "Don't you know what isen is? Well, I think 
 it's transparent." 
 
 "What do you mean ? Isenglass ?" 
 
 "Yes, that's it. I saw it do good once." 
 
 "But, Doc, you don't know what's the matter 
 with me, and yet you give me isen ?" 
 
 "Yes, yes, it's good, very good." 
 
 So I got the isen. About this time Tom and 
 Nettie Belle appeared in my cabin. "Well, old 
 
 63 
 
man, we have got an English doctor on board and 
 we are going to bring him to see you, after duly 
 conferring with our ship's doctor." 
 
 "All right, bring him in. Do you think he 
 knows as much as the littde doctor?" 
 
 "Os yes; he is from London, you know." Soon 
 both doctors appeared on the scene, and I think 
 they fully agreed that any kind of treatment was 
 better than doing nothing. So they gave me some 
 more isen and a box of Carlsbad. At this junc- 
 ture, the fourth day, I was pretty well loaded. On 
 the morning of the fifth day the doctor appeared 
 and remarked that they had agreed to not give 
 me any more medicine. I remarked that it cer- 
 tainly was a great coincidence, for I had carefully 
 agreed with myself that I wouldn't take any more. 
 Then the little doctor, who was always pleasant, 
 insisted that I should eat something. I told him 
 that I had agreed with myself not to take any 
 more medicine and I classed food — at this junc- 
 ture — the same as medicine. 
 
 "I tell you what I do. I massage you." "Good, 
 but doctor I have made up my mind to die and be 
 buried in Egypt." "Not yet ; I fight a little longer." 
 I was then yellow-green, with a shade of black. 
 My good friend again appeared on the scene and 
 Nettie Belle suggested champagne. At the sound 
 of this I turned over and agreed. I drank it 
 quick. That was the last medicine I got and I 
 
 64 
 
am sure it cured me, all due to the thoughtfulness, 
 generosity and kindness of my good friends. 
 
 We arrived at Alexandria that night — the 
 seventh day. 
 
 65 
 
ARRIVING IN EGYPT. 
 
 Precisely at 8.30 A. M., January 22, 1912, the 
 good ship Schleswig steamed up to the wharf 
 at Alexandria, Egypt. The Egyptian physician 
 and his numerous aids were examining the pas- 
 sengers by holding their hands and looking at 
 their tongues. My hand had been held and my 
 tongue had been hanging out of my mouth for 
 at least three minutes before I was handed my 
 certificate, when I discovered Tom had not put 
 in an appearance. Nettie Belle was there on time 
 but no Tom. I sent my room steward, Max, the 
 Caterpillar (we called him the Caterpillar because 
 he looked like one), to notify Mr. Felder to hurry 
 up. Max returned with the message that Mr. 
 Felder was nearly ready. After a few minutes, I 
 concluded to go after him as the ship could not 
 discharge its passengers until the doctor passed 
 all of them. 
 
 I tapped gently at the door of my Lord and 
 quietly and gently informed him of the situation, 
 adding that the doctor sent his compliments with 
 the request that Mr. Felder should present him- 
 self at an early date in order that the passen- 
 gers might be allowed to land and see something 
 of Egypt before the arrival of the next steamer 
 on which they expected to return. I will not fully 
 write out Mr. Felder's message to the Board of 
 
 66 
 
Health of Egypt, but the invitation extended to 
 the doctor and the whole Egyptian population, 
 including Pompey, the Roman, and Cleopatra, the 
 Syrian Jewess, but it savored of brimstone and 
 blue fire with considerable white heat. I returned 
 to my position on the deck and found Max and 
 Mrs. Felder holding down the small baggage. In 
 a few minutes I noticed Mr. Felder entering the 
 dining saloon to interview the Board of Heatlh. 
 Just then the gangplank was placed in position 
 and about one hundred dark-skinned, dull-eyed 
 Egyptians dressed in all colors and labeled "Shep- 
 herd's Hotel" and "Cook" came aboard. It 
 sounded like a lunatic asylum had broken loose. 
 Just then I heard a shrill voice behind me say 
 something and in the twinkling of an eye, two 
 Cook's and one Shepherd fell upon me, breaking 
 my cane in three pieces. I looked up and saw 
 Max lying down on my valise and kodak. After 
 gathering himself up, I requested him to secure the 
 three pieces of my cane, so that I might save the 
 silver and ivory mountings. After quiet had been 
 restored, I asked Max where Mrs. Felder was. He 
 replied, "She is behind you. What was the trouble, 
 Mr. Hart?" "Oh, nothing, Max!" Nettie Belle 
 simply said "No," that's all ; but neither Cook's or 
 Shepherd's bothered us any more that morning. 
 Tom concluded we had better try and land, but 
 we were penned up until we visited the Custom 
 
 67 
 
House to pay three dollars a head for the privi- 
 lege of getting a landing on Egyptian soil, a sort 
 of poll tax. 
 
 68 
 
EGYPT. 
 
 "Dark as Egypt" has a meaning without ref- 
 erence to the black nights of the Nile. The Egyp- 
 tians, the Nubians, the Syrians, the Turks, the 
 Soudanese, the Africans — bunch them all, and the 
 filth, squalor, ignorance, unhandiness and primi- 
 tiveness of these people is astounding. To see 
 three men sitting in a ten-acre patch trimming the 
 grass with pen knives; or see a little boy eight 
 years old carrying 110 pounds of dirt on his head; 
 or to see sixty grown men work thirty minutes 
 to remove one large stone one inch, is a fair ex- 
 ample of the manner in which these people try 
 and eke out a miserable existence. Some one 
 asked the contractor why he didn't get wheelbar- 
 rows to haul away the dirt, he replied that he had 
 tried it, but that when the barrow was filled two 
 of them would lift it up and put it on the other 
 fellow's head and he would carry it off. Their 
 strength is phenomenal. Any man will carry an 
 upright piano with the strap around his head, 
 after the piano is hoisted on his back. 
 
 The caravan that follows the tourists to the 
 temples or tombs are persistent beggars. Our 
 Dragoman orders them off when necessary, but 
 orders do not feaze them. Back again they come 
 and plead for backsheesh, only to be scattered by 
 a volley of oaths from the Dragoman; their per- 
 
 69 
 
sistence knows no let up; they think the Ameri- 
 can tourist is lined with gold and comes to Egypt 
 to give it to them. See sir, I only have one arm, 
 a foot, a nose, or hand, I need plenty of help. 
 You fee them. 
 
 Then they touch their head (I think of you) ; 
 touch their lips (I speak of you) ; touch their 
 heart (I love you). 
 
 A very beautiful sentiment, but it emanates 
 from them to every one who gives them a mill- 
 yem (1/10 of a cent). They appear harmless, but 
 they are too filthy to handle, too dirty to talk to 
 and too ragged to look at. Irrigation is all done 
 by hand. They have little or no power in Egypt, 
 because they have no fuel. There are no fences 
 in Egypt, no roads in Egypt and no woods in 
 Egypt, The shepherd of two thousand years ago, 
 all dressed in white, has his flocks today just the 
 same. The faithful camel plows, draws water, 
 travels, is ridden, is raced and finally winds up 
 on the griddle. The little donkey does his work 
 well until he falls down, if he is pushed too hard. 
 Practically all the people are Mohamedans. They 
 say five prayers a day; sometimes they say all 
 five at one time — standing always facing the East 
 and bowing and kneeling and sticking their heads 
 into the desert. The children all wear a little 
 leather book; there is nothing in it, but it's tb r 
 Koran all right. I suppose the piece of leather 
 
 70 
 
has been blessed and the rest is left to the imag- 
 ination. Lord Kitchener, the Sirdar, knows how 
 to manage them. So does Sirdar Wingate at 
 KJhartoum. I know now what "Dark as Egypt" 
 means. 
 
 We visited the Dervish Generals who are on 
 parole about two or three miles from Wadi'-Half a ; 
 three of them received us pleasantly and accepted 
 enough money to purchase some tobacco. These 
 people are not beggars and do not care to accept 
 presents. They informed us that if we would call 
 again the following morning before ten they would 
 be glad to see us, but later in the day they had to 
 attend a wedding. I was extremely anxious to see 
 Osman Digna, the man who kept England in a 
 turmoil for sixteen years before he was captured. 
 He is now in prison at Wadi'-Halfa. The follow- 
 ing letter from the Murdir of Haifa — Governor — 
 will explain my failure to see Osman: 
 
 71 
 
sudan government, 
 
 Halfa Province. 
 
 governor's office. 
 
 Subject: Osman Digna. 
 
 Haifa, February 5, 1912. 
 
 Dear Sir: — I very much regret that I am un- 
 able to accede to your request. I am not per- 
 mitted to allow any one to visit Osman Digna 
 under any circumstances. 
 
 Yours faithfully, 
 El Re, 
 
 Ad. Ea. Haifa. 
 
 72 
 
When Osman was first captured lie was paroled, 
 but escaped and went to fighting again. He still 
 maintains the same belligerent attitude. It is said 
 that his knee pan was removed in early infancy 
 and that he is enabled to run and jump like a 
 gazelle twenty to thirty feet at a jump. This 
 story is told by the Dragoman. 
 
 CAIRO OE KIRO. 
 
 Nearly one million people probably fairly di- 
 vided into Turks, Egyptians and Syrians, with a 
 sprinkling of English, Germans, Sudanese and 
 Nubians. The Museum of Kiro is not second to 
 any Museum in the world. Its contents from the 
 tombs and temples of Egypt, its treasures from 
 the same source, are well worth a lenglhy visit. I 
 gave about two hours to it. The room assigned 
 for the discovered treasures of Theron M. Davis 
 contains great value and this American has been 
 very unselfish in donating what he found to the 
 Egyptian Government. 
 
 The streets of Kiro present a very pretty pic- 
 ture, the inhabitants dressed in colors, some bare- 
 headed, some with turbans, some with the fez, 
 crowd around the entrance of hotels and restau- 
 
 73 
 
rants and make walking rather difficult. Their 
 persistent appeal for backsheesh or their demand 
 to buy beads or scarabs from them, annoys you very 
 much, and there seems to be no way to get rid of 
 this pest, except by clubbing or screaming at them. 
 The arrival of an American shipload of Cook's 
 tourists was announced one day during my stay 
 at Shepherd's; I waited for the train to arrive to 
 see how my countrymen acted. Most of the eighty 
 tourists were women and young girls. I noted a 
 number of black valises bound with white in the 
 office at Shepherd's. I at once took in the situa- 
 tion; evidently Cook's promoter had suggested a 
 certain size valise and a certain place for the 
 tourist to purchase, so they all arrived equipped 
 with hand baggage of the same design. A few 
 minutes after their arrival, most of the tourists 
 could be seen on the porch or lawn in front of 
 Shepherd's poking money through the fence and 
 purchasing blue heads and scarabs; one woman 
 held out a handful of money for the fakir to help 
 himself as she was unable to count the piastres. 
 These beads and scarabs are probably made in Bir- 
 mingham, England, or in Germany, and shipped to 
 Kird. The Americans in Egypt are a mark for 
 fakirs. The English and German traveller seems 
 more experienced. The Citadel and Mosques of 
 Kiro are particularly interesting, especially the 
 Mosque of Mohammed Aly. This is a modern 
 
 74 
 
Mosque — original burned in 1803. I entered 
 the Mosque after putting on sandals. The crystal 
 chandeliers were magnificent and the whole edifice 
 imposing. Many Mohammedans were prostrating 
 themselves on the floor. I expected to find one of 
 the sacred carpets removed from Mecca, but was 
 informed that none of the carpets were used in 
 any of the Mosques. The carpets removed from 
 Mohammed's tomb each year, are hidden some- 
 where in Kiro and are not visible to visitors, ex- 
 cept at the celebration annually when the last 
 carpet may be seen. 
 
 Kiro is a failure from a commercial standpoint, 
 except as a distributor. Standard Oil and Ameri- 
 can Tobacco are duly represented. Most of the 
 larger English fire insurance companies are rep- 
 resented, but there isn't very much to insure in 
 Egypt, I should imagine. 
 
 PYRAMIDS OF GIZEH. 
 
 KHEOPS OR CHEOPS. 
 
 About eight miles from Kiro, good auto road 
 and a good hotel there, so the trip is a pleasant 
 one. Kheops is 586 feet sloping side height. Old 
 King Kheops built this to live in after he died, 
 so that's where it gets its name from. A tall six- 
 foot four-inch Bedouin made Tom a proposal to 
 climb up the corner, go to the top and return in 
 ten minutes for ten shillings. If he failed to make 
 
 75 
 
the trip in ten minutes, he would make no charge. 
 I was timer. He climbed it in five and a quarter 
 minutes to the pinnacle, returning in two and a 
 quarter minutes; whole time seven and a half 
 minutes. I asked this Bedouin how long he ex- 
 pected to live taking such chances. He replied: 
 "It's my business. My father, before me, made it 
 his business, so I take the chance for a livelihood." 
 The sphynx is about an eighth of a mile from 
 Kheops. Napoleon shot the mouth from the 
 sphynx about one hundred years ago. What he 
 was shooting cannons around in this neighborhood 
 for I don't know, but one of his cannon balls de- 
 formed the face of this sphynx. Around this pyra- 
 mid fakirs, camels and donkeys hold their sway, 
 and Birmingham, Berlin and Chicago beads are 
 sold like hot cakes. Evidently the stone of which 
 the pyramids are built comes from the Assuan 
 quarries and was floated down the Nile. 
 
 SHEPHERD'S, KIRO. 
 
 The best patronized hotel in Egypt. Here you 
 have the best orchestra in the world, and the swell 
 people of the world, those who can afford to travel, 
 are seen here in large numbers; at the same time 
 the average American tourist reclining upon its 
 cushioned divans and partaking of its sumptuous 
 table d'hote. Waiters are plentiful. You only 
 
 76 
 
have to squint at a postal card and a whole album 
 full will find its way to your room, and will be 
 duly noted on your bill. A piastre is only five 
 cents, but when you see 400 piestres charged for 
 room, 650 for two days restaurant, 150 for pos- 
 tal cards, 220 for laundry and twenty-five for car- 
 riage from and to station, which you did not use, 
 you will at once note the character of Shepherd's, 
 as well as all of the Egyptian hotels. One serious 
 objection to Shepherd's, as well as all other Egyp- 
 tian hotels, is lack of sufficient towels, and those 
 that are furnished are of the five-cent order. I 
 did not have time to inquire into the cause of this 
 foolish economy, for it is not in keeping with the 
 character of the places as you look at them. But 
 Shepherd's gives very good value. Its worth stop- 
 ping at if you go to Kiro. You can get most any- 
 thing you ask for ; all that's necessary is the price. 
 Shepherd's has it. It takes a long time to get the 
 Arabs to do your errands and return to you. It 
 took me twelve hours to get a trunk out of a 
 storage room in the hotel, but I got it all right. 
 Shepherd's runs the Mena House at the big pyra- 
 mid, also the Ghesirah Palace, but I prefer Shep- 
 herd's. The Waldorf of Egypt has as many Pea- 
 cock Alleys as the original Waldorf, and as many 
 peacocks rest undisturbed in its palatial saloons, 
 hallways and lounging rooms as do in its counter- 
 part in New York. 
 
 77 
 
LUXSOR. 
 
 Two hundred miles from Kiro, one full night's 
 ride by rail, and you arrive at Luxsor, Egypt. The 
 home of the Luxsor and Karnak Temples, the 
 avenue of Sphynxs and the road of Rams; nearly 
 three miles away in Thebes are the tombs of the 
 hundred kings and a sprinkling of queens, in the 
 sandy desert at Thebes. We drove these three 
 miles in a carriage pulled by two horses and pushed 
 by three men through the sand, the wheels of the 
 carriage had a flange twenty inches wide, which 
 kept them from sinking into the sand. Arriving 
 in due course, hot and thirsty, I tried to make 
 short work of these tombs, giving about two hours 
 to their inspection. I was most interested in the 
 tomb of Amenothis II, who had been reclining 
 there thirty-eight hundred years, surrounded by 
 servants, who were probably buried with him. He 
 looked like Francis Wilson blackened up. After 
 two hours we sought the Rest House and wel- 
 comed a cool breeze and a good luncheon. The 
 Rest House is under the management of the Win- 
 ter Palace Hotel at Luxsor. In this town and 
 opposite the temples, three of the best hotels in 
 Egypt are flourishing. 
 
 It has been said and remained uncontradicted 
 that there are more spurious antiques sold in Lux- 
 sor than in any part of Egypt. The Karnak Tem- 
 
 78 
 
pies, located about one and one-half miles from 
 Luxsor, are possibly the most interesting temples 
 in Egypt, with the avenue of Sphynx crossed by 
 the road of Rams, the latter road originally run- 
 ning across the bed of the Nile to the king's tomb, 
 lined on each side with Rams and the avenue of 
 Sphynx lined on both sides with Sphynx. Orig- 
 inally, these roads were seven or eight miles in 
 length. I judge they must have been hundreds of 
 years building, according to the slowness of Egyp- 
 tian labor at the present time. 
 
 LUXSOR TURF CLUB. 
 
 The Gymkhana races at the Luxsor Turf Club 
 attracted our attention one afternoon when return- 
 ing from Karnak. They had donkey races, male 
 and female, camel races, likewise horse races with- 
 out saddles, donkey obstacle races and an animal 
 race for visitors. Now, this animal race was the 
 feature. A dog, a pig, a duck, a turkey, a calf and 
 a hen, each having a rope tied around its respec- 
 tive neck and each having a lady of quality as the 
 driver, except the turkey, which was driven by a 
 man. The calf ran away, the dog caught the pig 
 by the ear, the turkey ran the wrong way, while 
 the duck waddled in a winner. The whole enter- 
 tainment was for charity, so the pools won on the 
 races; didn't pay much. 
 79 
 
The Luxsor Turf Club gives races once a week; 
 admission $1.00 — 20 piastres. 
 
 KARNAK TEMPLES. 
 
 The Karnak Temples are probably the most 
 wonderful in Egypt. Baedeker says they should 
 be claimed as one of the wonders of the world. 
 When you see the Karnak, it combines about all 
 the temples in Egypt. The columns are eighty feet 
 high and one hundred and thirty-four in number. 
 One window is still preserved as it was when this 
 temple was constructed. Rameses II the Great has 
 stuck himself all through the temple. He must 
 have been a great king of Egypt, because his suc- 
 cessors did not disturb him; there must be one 
 hundred statues and images of him in Luxsor, 
 Karnak and the tombs. History says he slaugh- 
 tered his slaves for pastime and then slaughtered 
 some more. This fellow has no ashes to say peace 
 to. He is a dried-up mummy in the Kiro Museum. 
 
 ASWAN OR ASSOUN. 
 
 The great dam of the Nile is here at the first 
 cataract, so is Philae, the pearl of Egypt; also 
 some of the best hotels in Egypt. Here the Duke 
 of Fife died on his Dahabieh, and here J. P. Mor- 
 gan rested after he injured his knee. At this in- 
 
 80 
 
teresting place Tom concluded to hire a boat and 
 a crew of Arabs to visit Philae, and incidentally 
 to see the great dam and shoot the rapids to the 
 music of the Tom Tom and the singing of the 
 crew. After each song, which always ended Hip, 
 Hip, Hooray. Thank you ! Thank you ! (Arabs 
 always thank you for what they do themselves.) 
 The most interesting part of this excursion, which 
 lasted several hours, was the tuning of the Tom 
 Tom. The tuning process consists in building a 
 fire of paper and heating the instruments. When 
 it gets good and hot they pound it; it has neither 
 rhythm, tone, time or harmony ; it simply resounds 
 to the pound of the Arab. But what it is heated 
 for I don't know, for it's a devilish instrument, hot 
 or cold. It is played with the fists. Most of the 
 Arabs on the great dam hire themselves to you 
 to jump off into the Nile from frightful heights; 
 then they swim after your boat to collect the 
 charge. They ask this question : "Shall I jump." 
 and then they jump before you can say no, risking 
 a collection of piastres. It's mighty good to finish 
 these tours, for when you get back to Aswan you 
 have a good hotel to rest up. 
 
 HELD UP ON THE DESERT. 
 
 Back of Aswan, about two or three miles, lies 
 the large needle that was hewn out of solid rock 
 
 81 
 
and duly inscribed but never moved. This curi- 
 osity is still lying embedded in the sand. On our 
 way to this object, we were interfered with by a 
 village of Nubian men, women and children. Af- 
 ter a warm argument, Tom agreed on a dollar and 
 a half to see a mimic fight and then a dance on 
 the desert. They performed fairly well. For 
 safety an Egyptian policeman mounted followed 
 us. I think they follow all travellers on the desert 
 to give them protection. I refused to buy any of 
 the goods of the women and children, although 
 pleasantly importuned to do so. 
 
 These Nubians are like the genuine African, 
 black as coal, tall, raw-boned and apparently 
 healthy. They were very filthy and the women 
 and children unsightly to look at, but still they 
 importuned and would catch hold of you if you 
 would permit them. Their houses have no roofs, 
 nothing but the sky and the sand. Apparently no 
 vegetation surrounds them and withal they ap- 
 peared to be content and happy. There is always 
 a Sheik who generally seems to be superior officer 
 who does the trading. 
 
 A DINNER INCIDENT. 
 
 Tom had invited a friend from the Argentine 
 to dine with us at the Cataract House and he was 
 
 82 
 
very particular to give me ample notice that to 
 properly present myself, I should at least change 
 my collar. The hint was sufficient for me to array 
 myself in Rogers & Peet/s best full dress with a 
 collar that was threatening to sever my left ear. 
 
 Tom presented himself in Bell's best pattern, 
 while Nettie Belle in full Parisian costume caused 
 our party to be a little more than noticed by the 
 Grand Dukes, Duchesses and Princesses of the 
 Cataract. When lo, our guest from Buenos Ayres 
 presented himself in yellow shoes, a green shirt, 
 a pink necktie, a tweed coat and black trousers. 
 Nothing was said. Nothing was done. But we 
 crowded him against a pillar in the great Turkish 
 dining room between us, with our hostess in full 
 view of the assemblage. We remained at table 
 until the house was cleared, smoked our cigars 
 and drinking our coffee as the lights were being ex- 
 tinguished. Before retiring for the night, I said : 
 "Where do you suppose he left his clothes, Tom? 
 In Buenos Ayres? 
 
 "I wish mine were there. Here I have been 
 dressed up like a negro minstrel with my shoes 
 pinching me, waiting for your distinguished guest. 
 When he appears, we have to hide him. Now, 
 if you had let me have my way, I would have 
 saved him by being in a like costume. Do they 
 have full dress in Buenos Ayres, Tom?" "How 
 the do I know? Good night/' 
 
 83 
 
WADI-HALFA— HALFA— THE SOUDAN. 
 
 Seven days on the Nile from Aswan and re- 
 turn makes a splendid trip for the Egyptian tour- 
 ist. Cook & Co. own Egypt and the Nile, al- 
 though the Hamburg-American Line own a num- 
 ber of steamers which run in competition to Cook, 
 but Cook has the call, although the Hamburg- 
 American accommodations are just as good. I 
 understand that soon Cook will own the whole 
 river. 
 
 En route from Aswan the boat stops at the va- 
 rious temples, tying up at the banks over night 
 (as no steamer runs the Nile at night-time). In 
 many places the water is very shallow and we often 
 rubbed ground on our trip. The longest stop made 
 is at the Temple of Abu Simbel, about fifty miles 
 from Wadi-Halfa. We tied up about three o'clock 
 P. M. and remained until the next morning. At 
 Abu Simbel we had the pleasure of meeting Artist 
 Newman, a gentleman from Massachusetts, who 
 lives in Florence, Italy, and paints Egyptian tem- 
 ples and tombs. He remains in Egypt from No- 
 vember 1st until he is driven out by the heat in 
 March. Mr. Newman invited Tom, Nettie Belle 
 and myself on board his Dahabieh, and we had 
 the pleasure of seeing some of his work. He sells 
 his paintings for from $750 to $8,000 each, and I 
 assume they are worth every cent he asks. He 
 
 84 
 
regaled us with much information regarding the 
 tombs of the kings and the temples. He says that 
 Germany got permission of the Egyptian Govern- 
 ment to take an imprint from the walls of Abu 
 Simbel — that they dampened blotting paper, as 
 well as the walls and took a perfect impression 
 of the coloring, but with this impression they took 
 off all the coloring. This was not so bad, because 
 the water of the Nile would have destroyed it by 
 soaking it. Now Germany has a complete mould 
 of the walls of this celebrated temple and can 
 easily reproduce it. Mr. Newman has been at 
 work twenty-five years in Egypt. When they were 
 uncovering Abu Simbel, he was there in his tent 
 painting. Amidst the singing of six hundred 
 Egyptians and the buzzing of six hundred thous- 
 and flies, he must have had a pleasant time. I 
 think he ought to charge ten thousand for every 
 picture. He don't look like he will last much 
 longer. We spent a very pleasant hour with him. 
 Arriving at Wadi-Halfa at twelve o'clock noon, 
 we struck a very quaint town, peopled with Sou- 
 danese and a sprinkling of English. The people 
 thrive on themselves, as there seems to be no stores 
 like in Luxsor and Aswan for the tourist to trade 
 in, besides there is no good hotel at Wadi-Halfa. 
 The stores are for native trading; you might get 
 a postal or two, or a genuine antique there, but 
 nothing modern. The Mudir or Governor of 
 
 85 
 
Haifa Haifa Province resides here. On another 
 page I have referred to this gentleman. 
 
 We remained at Wadi-Halfa one and one-half 
 days. Tom desired to extend our trip to Kar- 
 toum by rail; to this proposal I objected, as I 
 was booked to sail for America on the "Cedric." 
 I used every argument to dissuade him, but my 
 victory was gained only by an alliance with Nettie 
 Belle. After everything was settled as to our re- 
 turn, I learned that Tom did not want to go, but 
 was simply trying me out. 
 
 Our trip up the Nile — seven days — was on the 
 steamer "Thebes" of Cook's service, an excellent 
 and well-conducted boat. There were on board 
 twenty-one passengers. 
 
 RAMESES II— 18TH DYNASTY. 
 
 I cannot refrain from commenting on the gross 
 conceit of this monarch. You do not get out of 
 the sounding of this king's name until you get to 
 Aswan. He must have been the most conceited 
 man of any of the periods of the past five thous- 
 and years. 
 
 The Temple of Luxsor and the Karnak Temples 
 must have been in course of building hundreds of 
 years and yet during the reign of Barneses II he 
 erected his image in every hole and corner of the 
 Luxsor Temple which must have been his special 
 
 86 
 
care. Not satisfied with embellishing Luxsor, he 
 went to the Karnak Temples, destroying many 
 statues of old kings and erected thirty-seven of his 
 own images. 
 
 In Thebes, the Collossi (about two miles from 
 Luxsor), is Rameses II and all over the desert this 
 king advertised himself by his images. 
 
 Now, to cap the climax, Cook has named his 
 largest Nile boat "Rameses II." I tell you Rameses 
 II must have made Egypt howl. 
 
 THE DESERTS. 
 
 "The air bites shrewdly; 'tis very cold." — 
 Bacon's Hamlet, Act. I. 
 
 The Arabian, the Nubian, the Lybrian deserts, 
 all look the same to me. The cold chill air 
 blows from them at night and in the early morn- 
 ing, a sort of a chill air that is cold, a kind of air 
 that you do not want to take hold of you, for an 
 Egyptian chill generally does great damage to the 
 un acclimated traveller. 
 
 Along the banks of the Nile on these deserts, 
 there are probably more tombs to be uncovered, 
 especially Queen's Tombs, as there are very few 
 of them compared to the king's who have been 
 discovered. There is nothing particularly attrac- 
 tive about these deserts, except the sunrise and 
 sunset ; then the colors are beautiful. The natives 
 
 87 
 
always sing at work, but watching them soon be- 
 comes tiresome. Egypt is certainly dark. Let us 
 hope that a glimmer of light may creep in. 
 
 THE NILE. 
 
 Not very deep now, a mile or more wide in 
 places. The new dam will raise it eighteen feet 
 and this rise will cover Philae the beautiful, and 
 the Abu Simbel Temple, also the bed of Isis, Tem- 
 ple of Horus and Osiris, et al — all gone. There is 
 some talk of removing the Temple and Pharaoh's 
 bed in order to preserve them. From Kiro to 
 Wadi-Halfa by boat requires twenty-three days. 
 We took the rail trip to Luxsor and then the seven- 
 hour trip by rail from Luxsor to Assuan. After 
 remaining four days in Assuan we took the 
 steamer "Thebes" for the seven-day trip to Wadi- 
 Halfa and return. Most all the natives are a 
 mangy lot of sore-eyed, ignorant, dirty, persistent 
 beggars, a great many of them only have one eye 
 or one ear, or one arm, or one leg. They regard 
 the fly as sacred, as they light on their maimed 
 parts in flocks there is no attempt to brush them 
 off; the same flies have the impudence to light on 
 the tourist and fight back if you try and brush 
 them off. We got out of Egypt away from the hot 
 days and chill nights safely, but many who are 
 imprudent are liable to stay there and share the 
 
 88 
 
tombs of Amenothis II, Setti I, and his great son, 
 Rameses II. I am very glad I went to Egypt, but 
 I am extremely pleased that I am back. Tom 
 says I was afraid to go to Kartoum. I sure was. 
 
 THE DONKEY. 
 
 The donkey of Kiro, Luxsor and Aswan, the 
 Arabian desert, is different from the donkey of the 
 Soudan. The donkeys of the Arabian desert will 
 safely gallop, but the donkey of the Soudan will 
 fall if you force him to a run. Why this is was not 
 explained to me, but nevertheless it is a fact. The 
 little fellow is more than faithful, he is fair, and 
 will do his best to carry you but is not strong 
 like the mule or horse. He deserves great credit 
 for the part he plays in Egypt ; he works for every- 
 body in every way, and is second to the camel 
 in the benefits he gives to Egypt. The camel 
 and donkey are about all Egypt has that is alive 
 and are integral parts of its deserts. 
 
 SCARABS. 
 
 Plenty of them are found in Egypt, but it is 
 very difficult to secure a genuine one, unless you 
 get above Luxsor; there are plenty in Kiro, also 
 Luxsor. The native Egyptians will ask you eight, 
 ten or twelve shillings; offer them eight, ten or 
 
 89 
 
twelve piastres. Your offer will be accepted. It's 
 possible that you may get a genuine one, but more 
 probable that it will be from Birmingham or Ber- 
 lin ; they are made to order in those cities by the 
 thousands. You may apply the same rule to all 
 the bright beads that are offered to you. 
 
 A HYENA HUNT. 
 
 At the earnest solicitation of James, our Drago- 
 man, Tom agreed to hie 3 an expert Egyptian 
 hunter to hunt hyenas at night in thedesert. The 
 hunter was engaged and one fifty was paid to 
 purchase cartridges; then donkeys were hired, and 
 everything made ready to leave the hotel at 8 P. M. 
 After all arrangements were made and at about 
 6 P. M., I inquired of Tom as to guns. He re- 
 plied that there was only one gun and that was for 
 him. I asked him what part I was to play in the 
 hunt and he said we were all to take stand 
 near each other; that I was to dismount from my 
 donkey when they heard the hyena coming; that 
 I was to stand right quiet and that when the 
 hyena came up and got ready to spring on me 
 i***t he was to shoot, and if he missed him, then 
 the hunter would rush in with an axe and do the 
 hyena up. I asked him how he would see in the 
 dark and he said on his last experience in hunt- 
 ing hyenas, they could easily be seen by the light 
 
 90 
 
of their eyes. I asked him where would Drago- 
 man James be and he said James would be hold- 
 ing his donkey. I then ventured to remark that 
 I thought it would be safer for the party if James 
 would hold the hyena. He remarked : "Now, old 
 man, don't be so foolish ; we are going on this hunt 
 to-night, and I have gone to the expense just for 
 your entertainment." About this time James an- 
 nounced that the donkeys and hyena hunter were 
 outside. The piazza was full of Dukes and 
 Duchesses waiting to see us off. At this juncture 
 1 requested Tom to change the arrangements so 
 that I might hold his donkey and let James at- 
 tract the hyena. Then Nettie Belle came to my 
 relief and it didn't take her more than two minutes 
 to fix things up and we all agreed finally that 
 James and the hunter should go out and get the 
 hyena and bring him to the hotel — dead. I made 
 James believe that this was a great honor Mr. 
 Felder was bestowing on him, so he went, return- 
 ing in about two hours to say that the hyena did 
 not roam in the desert that night, but there were 
 plenty of wolves howling. Tom told me quietly 
 that night that hyena hunting was a great sport 
 and that he'd have surely shot him just before he 
 jumped at me. The hunter kept all the ammuni- 
 tion as pay for his trouble, and James laughed out 
 loud. 
 
 91 
 
EOME. 
 
 Nine hours in an automobile probably carried 
 me to as many interesting points in Rome as could 
 have been seen in as many days. Guided by Miss 
 Marie Josephine Walsh, who by long residence in 
 Rome was so familiar with the city and its en- 
 virons, that I lacked no detail in the description, 
 and needed no Baedeker to consult, I had given my 
 professional guide a holiday and was very thankful 
 that I let him go, for through Miss Walsh I was 
 made to see, know and understand more of Rome 
 than I had ever accomplished by my limited read- 
 ing. I failed to get to the exact place where Cati- 
 line delivered his defiance, but that was probably 
 the only thing I missed in the whole city. I am 
 sure I went over the Seven Hills and about as far 
 out the Appian Way as St. Peter did at the time 
 of Nero, when he fled from Rome, changing his 
 mind and returning after walking three miles. 
 
 I gave about as much time to St. Paul's Outside 
 the Gates as I did to St. Peter's within, and while 
 1 would rather have missed St. Paul's than St. 
 Peter's, yet I think St. Paul's must be the show- 
 iest church in Rome, but why such an edifice was 
 built where it is located, and that in 1823, after 
 the original church was destroyed, I cannot under- 
 stand. However, it's there in all its splendor and 
 may not be as grand as St. Peter's, but certainly 
 
 92 
 
it is more pleasing to the eye. Everybody knows 
 that goes or reads about St. Peter's, the Vatican, 
 St. John's, the Appian Way, the Coliseum, the 
 Catacombs, the Tiber, the Apollo, the Tomb of 
 Victor Emanuel and many other interesting 
 points, all of which I saw and inspected in so brief 
 a space of time as nine hours, so I will pass them 
 up. There are two hundred churches in Rome 
 fully equipped that do not hold service but once 
 a year; the other two hundred do the work. The 
 Grand Hotel in Rome caters to the elite ; however, 
 it is not so expensive as Shepherd's in Kiro, Savoy 
 in London, Hotel de France de Angleterne at Fon- 
 tainbleu, or the Astoria or Ritz in Paris, yet the 
 satisfaction it gives its guests and its service is 
 equal to any hotel anywhere. Their ballroom pre- 
 sented on Friday night, January 16, 1912, an 
 appearance more than equaling the Savoy in Lon- 
 don. In fact, I never saw a better gowned assem- 
 bly of men and wmoen than those who attended this 
 hop. I did not encounter any beggars in Rome, 
 like I did in Paris, Naples and Egypt. It may 
 have been that I was not in their wake that day, 
 but all the same I did not see any. The short 
 visit to the American college and introduction to 
 Bishop Kennedy was very pleasant, and had I re- 
 mained over I would have had the pleasure of at- 
 tending one of the audiences of the Holy Father. 
 Of course, I regret this very much, but my good 
 
 93 
 
ship Cedric was ready to carry me safely back to 
 America, my quarters were secured, so I don't 
 think the combined introductions or interviews 
 with George IV and William of Germany would 
 have stopped me. I saw what I saw in Kome, 
 and I heard what I heard in Eome, so I was more 
 than repaid for the trip. I like it for its cleanli- 
 ness ; I like it for its holiness, and I like it for its 
 antiquities and next time I will have time to go 
 over it slowly I hope. 
 
 94 
 
NAPLES. 
 
 Don't go there unless you have to pass through 
 it to get to Rome. Egypt is a jewel to Naples. 
 You have little protection from the police and 
 very little authority seems to be exercised by any 
 functionary. Insults are offered you and there is 
 nothing to do but to accept them. Counterfeit 
 money flies around and is liable to reach your 
 pocket every time you change a bill. The boatman 
 who rows you from the steamer won't land you 
 until you pay him double the contract fare. The 
 cabman will drive you to the wrong place and 
 the vendor will insult you if you refuse to buy 
 his wares. If you go to Pompeii, get your own 
 guide, one only who has been recommended to 
 you as safe. 
 
 Naples is different from Rome, or Northern 
 Italy; it's a place to itself, a little kin to Messina 
 and very chummy with Sicily. The town is suf- 
 fering much from lack of patronage at present. 
 I rode through Pompeii in a sedan chair ; too hilly 
 to walk comfortably. My guide gave me all the 
 real lecture in good tone, well rounded up. I can't 
 remember all he said, but I was there all right, 
 and saw all the ruins and meditated very much 
 over the scenes I did see, as well as the sights 
 I saw. Pompeii was intentionally buried once, all 
 covered up with brimstone and lava, and 40,000 
 people buried, buried to stay for good. If Naples 
 don't look out, maybe history will repeat itself. 
 
 95 
 
NETTIE BELLE. 
 
 In all of the trips during my stay in Paris, 1 
 was accompanied by my good hostess, Nettie Belle 
 Felder (Mr. Felder was under the physician's care 
 on account of an attack of la grippe). She must 
 have been worn out with so much running around 
 in addition to her daily tasks, but if she was she 
 never once showed it. At times I would notice a 
 twinkle in her eye and a knowing look, but I 
 would tell her a joke that she had never heard and 
 then she would have a real laugh. I bought what- 
 ever I wanted quickly, and that I know pleased 
 her, but every morning at ten-thirty or eleven she 
 was ready to go anywhere suggested. A minute 
 and a half in the Cluny was drawing things a lit- 
 tle fine and she intimated that possibly five or 
 ten minutes would give me a better idea of what I 
 saw, but I was in a hurry, so I kept her very busy 
 keeping up with me. She never once got tired, 
 never was late and was always ready. It was the 
 same in KHro or Luxsor or Aswan, or Haifa, on 
 the desert in the Soudan; she was as lively as in 
 the Bon Marche, Paris. At the tomb of Ameno- 
 phis II, or Eameses the Great, the Karnak Tem- 
 ples or at Abu Simbel, Nettie Belle was on time 
 and generally at the head of the procession. She 
 didn't say much, or interrupt the Turkish narra- 
 tor with foolish questions taken from Baedeker's 
 
 96 
 
Guide. If a fake string of beads or a Birming- 
 ham scarab was offered her, she gave a glance at 
 them only, and the Arab fakir generally passed 
 her critical eye by and looked for easier material 
 for his impositions. Only once did she overtax 
 herself. Nine hours in the Egyptian sun trying 
 to view the second cataract from an eminence was 
 too much for her, but after twenty-four hours' 
 rest, she was ready for the next temple. I think 
 she missed Esna, but this was only a five-cent tem- 
 ple, and I guess she knew it wasn't worth ten 
 minutes' walk, but it was the only one in Egypt 
 she did not view. I left her at Helouin, near 
 Kiro, enjoying a good rest, Tom squaring himself 
 for the sulphur baths he intended to try, both in 
 good health and good spirits, and now they are 
 safely back in their beautiful home in Paris. 
 
 97 
 
TOM. 
 
 A little touch of la grippe beginning about De- 
 cember 12, 1911, was the basis of our Egyptian 
 trip. If Tom hadn't caught the grippe, I wouldn't 
 have been able to hang on to a donkey's tail in 
 Egypt, as I had planned to go to London, Liver- 
 pool, the Isle of Man and Belfast; all these points 
 were cut out as Egypt has the sun, there the grippe 
 cannot live. So Tom fell in love with Egypt, and 
 before he left it, I am sure Egypt was in love with 
 Tom. He became interested from the time the 
 Egyptians charged us three dollars each to land 
 at Alexandria until he paid an added ten per cent. 
 charge to the Hotel for the laundry as he was leav- 
 ing Kiro. Up for breakfast, seeing everything, 
 reading everything, finding out everything, until 
 he struck the tomb of Settil, father of Eameses II. 
 When he emerged from this dungeon his panting 
 indicated to me that the inside of the tomb must 
 have been of great depth and heat and when he 
 said, "Old man, I'm nearly dead," I replied, "Did 
 you see him, Tom?" "Who?" "Why, Setti I, 
 father of Eameses the Great." "I saw nothing — 
 
 and if I ever go down in one of those 
 
 things again, I hope some one will kick me." 
 "Why, I told you not to go and you made me look 
 like two cents, and you talked about pearls and 
 swine and here you come back with — Baedeker in 
 
 98 
 
your hand, swearing vengeance against all these 
 tombs. Now you are going down in the next one, 
 because Amenothis II is lying in state and we 
 must see him. He is the only 3800-year-old king 
 in Egypt lying in his tomb, so come on/' He 
 made an effort and so we went to the bier of 
 Amenothis II, and there the old reprobate lay 
 in all his majesty. When we emerged from this 
 tomb, we visited a few of the queens and then 
 lighted on the porch of the Rest House for lunch- 
 eon and it was a good one. All through Egypt 
 Tom led the way, except to the second cataract of 
 the Nile; we both slept that morning and let 
 everybody on the boat go on this nine-hour trip. 
 After a brief stay at Wada'-Halfa, Tom took a 
 notion to go to Khartoum. I objected, kicked, 
 bucked and yelled. Tom said : "We will go." Just 
 then I spied a notice on the station which said: 
 "The train for Khartoum will stop at Abdul 
 Hamid, in order to allow the passengers to take 
 a bath." I read this notice to him and then said : 
 "Maybe this will hold you for a while." "It sure 
 will and I guess we will turn back/' And the 
 very next day we turned our faces toward As- 
 souan, then Luxsor, then Kiro, all happy and 
 contented. I left him at Helouin, all grippe had 
 disappeared and he was in good fettle, improved in 
 health, feeling that the whole trip had benefited 
 everybody in body and in mind, storing up an 
 
 99 
 
experience that can only be acquired by actual 
 contact, lasting, beneficial and profitable — some- 
 thing which you have and that no one can take 
 away from you. Tom has got it, and from the 
 unusual studious way he devoured all the guides 
 and quizzed all the Dragomen, I am sure he will 
 retain it, and be able to give all details to enquir- 
 ing friends. I had much difficulty in persuading 
 him to leave the Karnak Temples, the one hun- 
 dred and thirty-four columns in Ammon seemed to 
 hold him; he would sit down at the foot of Ram- 
 eses the Great (you couldn't sit anywhere else in 
 that temple) by the hour and discourse on the 
 Eighteenth Dynasty. I'd sing out "Sixteenth, 
 Tom," and when he found that Baedeker said 
 eighteenth, I'd hide behind Eameses to escape the 
 missile. Any man that can master all the tem- 
 ples of Karnak and all about Egyptian Dynasties, 
 and do it in one trip is real clever. Tom did it 
 and that's Tom. 
 
 100 
 
HON. ALEXANDER M. CARLISLE, P. C. 
 
 Entered the ship-building firm of Harland & 
 Wolf as a boy, receiving a wage of two dollars a 
 week; left this firm in the year 1910. At the time 
 of his retirement from the firm he received from 
 it, if not the largest salary, a salary probably equal 
 to any paid in England. Mr. Carlisle has built 
 fifty-nine ocean liners, his last and crowning ef- 
 fort being the "Olympic"; all of the White Star 
 liners were constructed by him, as well as the 
 America of the Hamburg-American Line. He is 
 principally a humanitarian with socialistic ten- 
 dencies. He cares nothing for money, except for 
 its ordinary uses and the aid that it may give to 
 others who are deserving. In looks he is the coun- 
 terpart of the late King Edward. If you should 
 see a man on the Strand or Regent Street, bare- 
 headed, its Carlisle. He never wears a hat if he 
 can help it. He likes a good joke, and can tell 
 one whenever necessary. He lacks the faculty 
 of remembering names, and it wouldn't surprise 
 me if he would forget his own some time. He is 
 prompt in his engagements; don't drink or 
 smoke, but permits and enjoys the habit in 
 others if they are reasonably temperate; he 
 is a good man to know and be with. When- 
 ever he goes on a voyage he always writes 
 the purser a letter stating that should he die, 
 
 101 
 
it is his desire to be buried at sea. Some 
 time ago he wrote some of the railroads leaving 
 Belfast, asking them how much it would cost to 
 convey a corpse from Belfast to London, two of 
 the roads replied, one of them giving a tariff to 
 Southampton, saying from there the corpse would 
 have to pay extra to get to London. But one of 
 the roads, instead of writing sent a dead wagon 
 to his house for the corpse, thinking, of course, 
 the body was there. He was trying to get this de- 
 tail so that his family would have it. He has left 
 Belfast and will reside in London, a city corre- 
 sponding with his abilities and his ambitions. He 
 is of the people and for them, believing that in 
 them rests the hope of the kingdom, and by their 
 good conduct and prosperity only can any govern- 
 ment be supreme. As I have said before, he is a 
 good man to know, a good friend and a jolly com- 
 panion. 
 
 102 
 
AUGUSTUS B. EDDY. 
 
 (By Permission) 
 
 A gentleman and an artist, see Villa Michel 
 Ange, No. 11 Rue des Sablons. Mr. Eddy is ex- 
 actly the writer's age. I could tell that as soon 
 as I saw him. He has been an active artist for 
 three or four years. He will have to be dead ten 
 years before any of his colors will be admitted 
 into the Louvre. Mr. Eddy is not selling any of 
 his works. I was extremely pleased to have the 
 pleasure of dining with him at No. 55 Avenue du 
 Bois, and afterwards to remain with him in a 
 round of Paris by night. We were accompanied 
 by the Toms, Tom Felder and Tom Keck. These 
 young men got tired early and begged us piti- 
 fully to take them home, but we kept them going 
 from place to place until we had exhausted the 
 street. I forgot what Rue it was. Mr. Eddy is 
 a delightful conversationalist, and a good com- 
 panion; he paints for the pleasure it gives him. 
 He is a first-class judge of everything, knows 
 Paris as it should be known ; has lived there some 
 years and expects to live there many more; is a 
 genuine thoroughbred American; keeps his studio 
 up-to-date; is a good judge of a prize fight, like- 
 wise a connoiseur of the horse; is up-to-date in 
 every sense of the word. I am truly glad I met 
 him and possibly may run in on him soon again. 
 103 
 
I wish he would sell some of his pictures to some 
 one he don't know ; this is a requirement for mem- 
 bership in many clubs. I'd buy one to make him 
 eligible. 
 
 ACHMED. 
 
 The Dragoman of the steamer "Thebes" ex- 
 plained the whole of Egypt to us every day on 
 the boat and on the desert in the temples and 
 tombs, and out of them. Achmed has a good face 
 and is extremely communicative. Some of his 
 dates got mixed, but he would never admit it; to 
 contradict or argue with him would excite him 
 and then his countenance would become cloudy, 
 but generally he was a very smooth proposition, 
 and he knew his business. He had antiques for 
 sale, and they were genuine; also postal cards. 
 He is a very good man for the place. He awoke 
 the whole boat one morning at 3 A. M. to get a 
 view of the Southern Cross. I refused to get up, 
 as I didn't think much of this constellation of 
 stars, having once had a glimpse of it in Jamaica. 
 Achmed, I think, was a little put out by my lack 
 of curiosity to see everything. 
 
 CUKATE GREENSIDE. 
 
 At the Cataract Hotel, Aswan, Egypt, Curate 
 Greenside, the local Episcopal minister seemed 
 
 104 
 
to live; the curate usually made himself quite 
 busy, his business did not seem to take on the 
 garb of joy fulness, yet he seemed to move around 
 among people like a human being. One evening 
 he approached our table and requested the privi- 
 lege of helping himself to a match; we assented, 
 when lo and behold, he moved the whole match box 
 to his table; this seems a trifle, yet it marked 
 the selfishness of the curate. I saw it stamped on 
 his face; now I see it in due form. Surely there 
 are only two classes of people, even among 
 preachers. I guess the curate must get his ser- 
 mons in the same way that he gets his matches. 
 
 SOME TRICKS. 
 
 On my second trip to the Karnak Temples I 
 got separated from my companions. After a few 
 minutes' rest, I concluded to enter alone. A tall 
 Nubian, six feet six inches, followed me at a re- 
 spectful distance. After getting tired I turned 
 to retrace my steps when my Nubian friend 
 pointed that I should go to the right and go out 
 at that gate. Without thinking, I leisurely fol- 
 lowed him and when I was let out, I found I was 
 a quarter of a mile from my carriage; the smile 
 on his face spoke of expected favors. When the 
 carriage arrived, instead of a tip, I put my fingers 
 to my nose, letting him know I was on to his 
 
 105 
 
tricks of keeping me from going back where I 
 came from. 
 
 At Fountainbleau I gave a waiter a five-franc 
 piece to change. Soon he returned to me and said 
 in the most suave manner: "Monsieur, I am very 
 sorry to inform you that this is not a good piece 
 of money, as it is a Spanish piece and only worth 
 forty cents." I replied that I had received it 
 from the Government of France — the R. R. Co. — 
 and that they did not give out counterfeit money. 
 "Sometimes they do, sir, to strangers." The ras- 
 cal had substituted this piece for my good franc 
 piece. 
 
 A beggar approached me on the boulevard, and 
 to get rid of him I gave him a bright Lincoln 
 penny; he bowed low, called me "My Lord" and 
 started down the street with a rush. He thought 
 he had a Louis. I am glad I was not around when 
 he found out its value. 
 
 CUSTOMS HOUSES. 
 
 I was advised by some passengers on the 
 Kaiserin Auguste Victoria, not to try and take 
 any matches, whiskey or tobacco into France. The 
 duties were excessive. I had two bottles of very 
 fine whiskey and a pound of very choice smoking 
 tobacco. On my arrival at Cherbourg, I gathered 
 the whiskey and tobacco in my arms and laid it 
 
 106 
 
before the Customs officer ; he took it to the Chief 
 Inspector who looked at me very peculiarly; then 
 the officer came back to me and handed the 
 whiskey and tobacco to me, at the same time mark- 
 ing my baggage "passed" without opening it and 
 waiving me off with a polite bow; no charge. In 
 Italy, Egypt and England the same, and I may 
 say also in the United States I was treated with 
 every consideration by Custom House officers and 
 the duties charged me were reasonable. I made 
 declaration of everything and few of my packages 
 were disturbed. In Italy and France the local 
 customs between city and county must be dis- 
 agreeable. You cannot bring a bunch of grapes 
 into Eome from the rural section without paying 
 duty. In France your gasoline in the auto is 
 measured as you go out, and if any is purchased 
 in the country, a duty is charged by the Govern- 
 ment upon your return to the city line. I had ex- 
 tremely fair treatment by all Customs officers of 
 the various countries I passed through, which 
 made my entry into France especially pleasant 
 and offset the horrible way of landing at Cher- 
 bourg. My word was taken without any search 
 in France, England, Italy and Egypt and lastly 
 in America. My original packages were not dis- 
 turbed in any way. 
 
 107 
 
DUCKS. 
 
 "Now I will digest the Venom of my spleen." 
 
 — Bacon. 
 
 I was particular to eat at least one duck in each 
 country, England, France, Italy and Egypt, be- 
 sides partaking of the fowl upon the various first 
 class steamships upon which it was my good for- 
 tune to travel. I include dining car service under 
 the head of steamships. In every case I found the 
 duck well cooked, browned to a turn, just like my 
 mother used to have them cooked. Now there is 
 a certain Club in New York in which the mem- 
 bers pride themselves upon their knowledge of 
 cookery; recently a number of ducks were pre- 
 sented to the Club, and I was requested to have 
 them properly prepared, the blood to follow the 
 knife. I requested the Chef to cook one of the 
 ducks to a turn, leaving the remainder to be 
 warmed through. At the dinner I was made the 
 "butt end" of the conversation and sarcastically 
 addressed as to the manner of cooking the duck 
 that I preferred. I feel now that I am largely in 
 the majority, and I desire to state here that I 
 think the eating of a raw duck with the blood 
 streaming out of it partakes of cannibalism and 
 should be prohibited by law, from a sanitary stand- 
 point. That the eating of a duck bloodraw, en- 
 
 108 
 
dangers health, and if it should prove to be a 
 sick duck, the lack of proper cooking would be seri- 
 ous. This applies to wild ducks and tame ducks, 
 red head or canvas back, and this is notice to said 
 Club heretofore referred to, that all ducks here- 
 after should be cooked brown unless examined by 
 an expert, provided any member desires to drink 
 blood, which is unsanitary and insanitary. 
 
 FOOD. 
 
 The excellent services and cuisine, both on the 
 Hamburg-American Line, as well as the White 
 Star Line, are beyond criticism. This may also be 
 said of the hotels in England, France, Egypt and 
 Italy, not forgetting the steamboat accommoda- 
 tions on the Nile. 
 
 Cook & Son practically control Egypt and the 
 Nile, but the Hamburg boats on the Nile are 
 equally as good, though they lack the patronage 
 necessary to sustain so great an expense as is in- 
 curred by the large steamboat service. Vegetables 
 of all kinds raised in Egypt are said to be un- 
 healthy, probably on account of the waters of the 
 Nile used in irrigation ; it does not make as good 
 fruit as rain. Some oranges in Egypt are equal 
 in sweetness to our Florida oranges, however. 
 
 109 
 
THE "CEDRIC." 
 
 TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND TONNAGE, SEVEN HUN- 
 DRED FEET OVER ALL^ SPEED EIGHTEEN 
 KNOTS. 
 
 She sailed out of Alexandria promptly on time 
 at 1 P. M., February 12, 1912, with sixty-five 
 first cabin passengers, fifty-three of them bound 
 for Naples, twelve homeward bound for America; 
 three days' uneventful trip to Naples, with pleas- 
 ant weather; a stop of three days at Naples, then 
 with forty-nine newcomers we sailed for New 
 York. Sixty-one in all in the first cabin. 
 
 On my arrival on board ship, I was accorded 
 the seat of honor at the Captain's right hand. Af- 
 ter leaving Naples three days later I found upon 
 entering the dining saloon, my seat occupied by 
 a gentleman in full naval uniform. I soon took 
 in the situation, when the steward seated me in 
 No. 2, removing two a peg downward and so on 
 down the line. The Royal Italian Commissioner, 
 Captain Dr. Ettore Curti had to accompany the 
 ship to New York because there were nine hun- 
 dred of his fellow-citizens in the steerage. In 
 such cases the Italian Government requires that 
 its representative shall be accorded not only the 
 seat of honor at the table, but also that he shall 
 be recognized as the representative of Italy, and 
 
 110 
 
that no one on the ship, passenger or officer, shall 
 take precedence over him. 
 
 The seat of honor on a ship should at least be 
 filled by a Commodore or Admiral, because you 
 must always be on parade. 
 
 My shirt collar was scratching my left ear every 
 time I would turn my head. My white vest would 
 eternally pull away from my waist and show my 
 suspenders, and the contortions that I would go 
 through at dinner time in order to keep my 
 clothes in their right position, made me feel that 
 I would like to have had the Italian Commis- 
 sioner's wife with him, so that I could get a few 
 pegs lower; besides etiquette required me to re- 
 main at table as long as the Captain did and to 
 tell as many stories, so between the waits, trying 
 to entertain the Commissioner and at the same 
 time to keep all my clothes on, I was really a suf- 
 ferer by the honors heaped upon me. Again for 
 the first few days all the passengers wanted to 
 know who I was, and what rank I held. Whoever 
 told the Captain to give me such prominence I 
 know not. However, I stood the racket for thir- 
 teen days, when No. 3 came to the table in a red 
 shirt and green tie apologizing to the Captain, 
 saying he was out of white shirts and there was 
 no laundry on board. I took the hint quickly and 
 then and there declared that I had on my last one 
 and had worn it three days. This let me out of 
 ill 
 
the dress suit and for the next few days, I was at 
 peace with all the world at dinner time. 
 
 Among the passengers we had the English Major 
 from India, the English lady from Arkansas, the 
 Duchess from Detroit, the Frenchman from 
 Australia, the Louisiana Planter from Philadel- 
 phia, the Female Anarchist from New York 
 and Mazeppa and her sister from Massa- 
 chusetts, a jolly crowd, all ready for a 
 frolic, a song or a dance. Amidst this tran- 
 quility and peacefulness, a bomb shell was thrown 
 into the camp. On Washington's birthday, 22nd 
 of February, 1912, The Duchess approached 
 me and requested a quiet game of crib. I as- 
 sented. After the cards were dealt, she held them 
 to her face and whispered to me that she wished 
 to make a confidential communication, when with- 
 out ceremony, she advised me that the gentleman 
 who was seated at my back at the Purser's table 
 and next to her, had a violent case of smallpox, 
 but I was to keep the secret. She further said 
 he only partook of one meal after leaving Naples 
 on the 17th. I agreed to keep the secret, not know- 
 ing what else to do with it. That evening there 
 was a notice placed in front of the inquiry office 
 for all passengers to call on the Purser; a few 
 minutes later this notice was supplanted with a 
 second notice saying, "A suspicious case has 
 developed and all passengers may call on 
 
 112 
 
the doctor and be vaccinated." A suspicious case 
 meant a full grown case of smallpox among the 
 first cabin passengers. I adjourned to the smok- 
 ing room and there found the Frenchman and the 
 Planter, who called me to join them. Just aboui 
 this time, a red-faced Colonel arose from the cor- 
 ner and delivered himself as follows : ''Gentlemen, 
 a great outrage has been perpetrated upon us this 
 morning; we passed within one mile of Gibraltar 
 and it was the duty of the officers of this ship to 
 stop and put the smallpox man in quarantine. In- 
 ternational quarantine laws require this." Just 
 then the Indian Major appeared and said it was 
 necessary for the majority that the smallpox man 
 be thrown into the sea. That in India they never 
 let the majority suffer at the expense of the minor- 
 ity. At this juncture the Frenchman said that 
 could not be done, that it would not be humane, 
 that International quarantine required us all to 
 remain twenty-one days on the island, that In- 
 ternational quarantine would not allow small pox 
 to be put off anywhere, so the Captain of the 
 "Cedric" was quite right in not stopping at Gibral- 
 tar, because International quarantine would not 
 let him, that Australia had International quaran- 
 tine and he was well posted as to its workings. 
 This brought up quite a spirited argument be- 
 tween the red-faced Colonel and Frenchy; they 
 both appealed to me and the Philadelphia Planter. 
 
 113 
 
As I had never heard of any such thing as Inter- 
 national quarantine, I declined to decide this dis- 
 pute and suggested that they fight it out among 
 themselves. 
 
 SMOKING ROOM INCIDENT. 
 (CEDRIC) 
 
 The first day out I found a very interesting ac- 
 quaintance in a Louisiana Planter, who in turn 
 gave me an introduction to a very gentlemanly 
 Frenchman, who had resided in Sydney, Australia, 
 for thirty years. We soon became fast friends and 
 for about three days and nights entertained each 
 other discussing various experiences in Egypt, 
 France and England, and occasionally the French- 
 man would entertain us with his Australian experi- 
 ences, while the Louisianian would explain the 
 negro problem and also tell us of his experience 
 with Mr. Roosevelt while the latter hunted for 
 bear on his plantation. 
 
 About the fourth night out, there seemed to 
 be fewer stories circulating, when some one of the 
 party mentioned the blowing up of the Maine, say- 
 ing he was very well satisfied that it had been 
 blown up from the inside. I took exception to 
 this statement and backed up the Louisianian, we 
 settled the question and quieted the Frenchman. 
 The next subject tbrought forth was, whether 
 
 114 
 
Peary or Cook discovered the pole. Iwas up 
 against it, as both the Frenchman and the Louisi- 
 anian insisted that Peary was afraid to take a 
 white man with him on this "last dash" and got 
 an ignorant negro to follow him. Then the 
 Frenchman said he had a great regard for Cook 
 and his work, and by this time I was very "hot 
 under the collar" and shouted for some Munich 
 beer, but I held myself down and finally after a 
 quiet lull, the Frenchman brought up French his- 
 tory ; said Victor Hugo never wrote anything about 
 French history. I asked him if he had ever 
 read "The History of a Crime." He said, "No; 
 what is it about?" I said, "The French Revolu- 
 tion." "Which Revolution?" By this time old 
 Louisianian had woke up and made the astound- 
 ing statement that I was absolutely wrong in my 
 premises, that Victor Hugo never wrote any such 
 book; that I was mixing Hugo with Eugene Sue, 
 and that I should not try and argue French his- 
 tory with a Frenchman who had "eaten up" French 
 history as a pastime for over fifty years. Cigars 
 were then ordered and the steward announced that 
 the lights would go out in half an hour. This was 
 welcome news to me, as I felt that many more 
 jars like that of the past two hours would at least 
 tend to dampen my faith in humanity. When the 
 Louisianian began to applaud the English for their 
 splendid work in Egypt and especially Lord Kitch- 
 
 115 
 
ener, we all accorded with him in this sentiment. 
 Then I was dumfounded to hear him state that 
 Admiral Davis should have been disciplined and 
 reduced to the ranks for landing an armed force 
 and taking possession of Jamaica a few days after 
 the quake, I having been there a few days after 
 the incident referred to and knowing how kindly 
 the people of the island felt toward Admiral Davis 
 and also knowing that Governor General Sweaten- 
 ham of Jamaica had been relieved of the Governor- 
 ship and supplanted by 01ivair ? principally because 
 the citizens of Jamaica demanded that he quit. 
 In explaining or trying to explain the situation 
 to my friends, they both insisted they had read the 
 Australian papers and New York Journal on the 
 subject and that I knew nothing about it. Then 
 I got up. I arose and delivered myself of all the 
 pent-up, bottled-up disgust that had choked me 
 for two hours and thirty minutes. I addressed 
 them both as a couple of Fireside Generals, who 
 were absolutely so ignorant of any fact that it was 
 a wonder to me that either of them ever got on 
 the ship or found out where it landed, for their 
 eyes were blinded and their tongues were trussed; 
 that the Dervishes and Nubians of Egypt must 
 have succeeded in transferring some of their deep 
 ignorance into their skulls; that I didn't believe 
 that the Frenchman ever saw Australia, and that 
 I knew the Louisianian never saw a bale of cotton. 
 
Then I yelled "Imshi" at them and they had been 
 in Egypt long enough to know what that meant. 
 This created a laugh all around. We shook hands. 
 We bade each other good night. The Louisianian 
 slapped me on the shoulder and said, "You're a 
 good one/' and we met the next morning and en- 
 joyed the day, laughing over the incidents of the 
 night before. 
 
 117 
 
ENGLAND, FRANCE, ITALY, EGYPT. 
 AMERICA. 
 
 "I will fight with him, upon theme until my 
 eyelids will no longer wag." — Bacon-Hamlet. 
 
 England is prosperous because it enforces its 
 laws, and does not have too many of them. France 
 is thriving because its yeomanry have the oppor- 
 tunity given to them by their Government of mak- 
 ing safe and profitable investments. 
 
 Should England get into a war with some first 
 class power, India would turn on her and so would 
 Egypt. Soon the French Government will change 
 unless graft stops — so there you are. 
 
 Italy is not prosperous because its people want 
 to leave it and its laws are not obeyed. Egypt is 
 slumbering because it has no force, no power, no 
 sense, no citizens that can govern properly. The 
 little it has comes from the suzerainty of England. 
 
 America is losing its prosperity because it has 
 too many laws, too much conflict of laws, too many 
 absorptions, and no great debt to feed the thrifty 
 laborer. Abrogate the tariff, and replace the rev- 
 enue by a graded income tax, build roads, Govern- 
 ment houses, capitals, improve the water ways and 
 open up all the coal fields. Spend money like 
 water to create a National debt, issuing bonds to 
 the people in small denominations, preventing 
 
 118 
 
trusts or combinations from getting any of them, 
 collect the interest from a heavily graded income 
 tax, then living will be cheaper and prosperity will 
 abound. Permit the rich to get richer by the 
 power of their money and the whole expense of our 
 Government will be absorbed by our rich men. 
 For there can be no greater circulation than the 
 expenditure of our Government. The money ap- 
 propriated for an object in a state, the Govern- 
 ment bonds issued to produce the object should 
 be disposed of to the citizens of the state that 
 receives the improvement, the interest should be 
 equal or adequate to any reasonable safe invest- 
 ment and assumed in such a maner by our Govern- 
 ment and paid by it in such a way as might work 
 a hardship for the real speculator to get hold of it. 
 The many objections to wiping out the tariff on 
 account of business disruption, labor troubles and 
 financial panics, may be very true, but we can 
 afford to go through just such a period as is pre- 
 dicted, in order that the foundations of our Gov- 
 ernment may be permanently strengthened. 
 
 A pot boiling over at home and abroad, and 
 there are very few wise men with clean hands in 
 our house to-day to put us in the right path. If 
 we have a Government by the people, then it 
 should be for the people. If the Government is 
 
 our parent, at present it is taking d poor care 
 
 of its children. 
 
 119 
 
WHAT I FOUND OUT. 
 
 That a ship can easily be built fifteen hundred 
 or two thousand feet in length, provided there is 
 water and dock room. 
 
 That water is used as a force to build ships. 
 
 That there are no rocking chairs sold or offered 
 for sale in France. 
 
 That there is now no Latin quarter in Paris. 
 
 That the Bois de Boulogne has two thousand, 
 two hundred and fifty acres. About three times 
 as large as Central Park. 
 
 That the Arc de Triomphe is no thoroughfare. 
 
 That you can obtain a permit if you have a pull, 
 to stop your conveyance anywhere on the streets 
 of Paris, and remain in the way of traffic as long 
 as you please. 
 
 That you are permitted by the law of France to 
 strike a horse three times within one block. 
 
 That horse and mule markets advertise and sell 
 horse and mule meat in Paris. 
 
 That you cannot throw paper on the streets of 
 Paris without being subject to a fine. 
 
 That the French Government held the porphyry 
 nrn of Napoleon (a gift of the Czar of Eussia) for 
 duty, and held it for months, until the duty was 
 paid. 
 
 That you must not convey sugar into Germany, 
 
 120 
 
salt into Italy or matches into France. So if you 
 want to avoid trouble, don't try to. 
 
 That the hotel at Heliopolis, Egypt, is said 
 to be as fine, if not finer, than any hotel in the 
 world. The brass work was made in Damascus, 
 while the glass work is copied from the mosques. 
 
 That the hotels of Egypt have a rule that you 
 must notify them twenty-four hours before your 
 departure, otherwise they will charge you for 
 twenty-four hours after your departure, or a day 
 extra. Cook has a rule that ticket offices close 
 five minutes before the boat leaves; if you desire 
 to purchase a ticket on the boat, you must pay 
 an additional charge of fifty per cent. 
 
 That Lord Kitchener is the civil representative 
 of England in Egypt; that he wears no military 
 uniform. 
 
 That Kiro has nearly a million people — a mix- 
 ture of races that may blend or may break at any 
 time, especially if Kitchener leaves. There are 
 no fences, no roads, no coal, no timber in Egypt 
 and no bridges that I could see, except railroad 
 bridges. The only carriage that ever came to 
 Wadi-Halifa is in the shape of a jaunting car and 
 only arrived in Wadi-Halfa in 1912. 
 
 That Luxsor sells many counterfeit antiques — 
 if they get a chance. 
 
 That the road of Rams, now under the waters 
 of the Nile that used to reach the tomb of the one 
 
 121 
 
hundred kings, was a road when there was no Nile 
 there. Query? Where was the Nile? No one 
 seems to know much about Pompey's Pillar at 
 Alexandria, except by guess. 
 
 That Marc Anthony was not much of a friend 
 to Julius Caesar, but if he was a friend of Julius 
 Caesar, there certainly must have been some un- 
 derstanding between them about Cleopatra. Of 
 course, Julius Caesar was unable to get out of 
 Eome after leaving Cleopatra in Egypt, but 
 during the time that he was kept in Eome, prior 
 to his death, he must have had many conferences 
 with his friend, Marc Anthony, and evidently re- 
 galed Marc with his Egyptian conquest. After 
 his death Marc Anthony made a bee-line for Egypt 
 and swiped Cleopatra and brought her to Eome. 
 I wonder if he aided Cleopatra in emptying the 
 Egyptian treasury? 
 
 That Cleopatra was a Syrian Jewess, placed on 
 the Egyptian throne by Greece; that she stole all 
 the treasure of Egypt and eloped with Marc An- 
 thony to Borne. 
 
 That the chickens served on any table in any 
 foreign land are superior to any chicken we get 
 in New York. Note : No cold storage in England, 
 France, Italy or Egypt. 
 
 That as a rule the scarab is a fraud and counter- 
 feit as sold in the stores of Luxsor and Kiro, 
 Egypt. 
 
 122 
 
That no act, lasting over thirty minutes, is al- 
 lowed in any music hall in London. If this period 
 of time is exceeded, a heavy fine is imposed. 
 
 That salt does not taste like salt in Egypt. 
 
 That Egyptian children, and sometimes women, 
 have rings in their noses, or embedded in their 
 cheek a piece of metal tacked on to their flesh 
 somewhere, generally in the face. 
 
 That smallpox is endemic in Egypt. 
 
 That Germans own and run the principal hotels 
 of Egypt, and that they manage them well. 
 
 That England derives no revenue from Egypt 
 other than the support and maintenance of its 
 army of officers and men employed in Egypt. 
 
 That cotton in Egypt is sold baled with the seed. 
 
 That many, many republicans in France desire 
 a monarchy. 
 
 That at the principal railroads stations in Eng- 
 land the clocks are set five minutes ahead of time. 
 
 That the Duke of Wellington is not in West- 
 minster Abbey, and that Alexander Dumas is not 
 in the Pantheon in Paris. 
 
 That the face on the English gold pieces of the 
 king or queen is reversed after the death of a 
 monarch; Edward VII faced to the right; George 
 IV faces to the left of Queen Victoria, who faced 
 to the left and George III must have faced to 
 the right. 
 
 128 
 
That there are as many or more English mon- 
 archs buried in France as in England. 
 
 That Cook of London brought the supplies for 
 the relief of Khartoum and would have probably 
 got to the relief of Chinese Gordon had he been 
 called upon by England to do so. 
 
 That beggars are permitted to beg on fete days 
 and during the holidays in Paris. 
 
 That a large number of little boys guarded the 
 Arc de Triomphe and waved the Germans aside, 
 refusing to let the army go through the Arc, the 
 German general recognizing the sentiment that 
 prompted the boys. This is a beautiful little 
 story — I didn't meet any of the boys. 
 
 That it's dangerous to walk or ride in the Bois 
 de Boulogne at night, as the Apache will try and 
 rob or murder you if he sees a chance. Several 
 murders occurred during my stay in Paris. 
 
 That the landing of passengers from the Ger- 
 man steamships at Cherbourg is a disgrace to 
 France. 
 
 That the boats from Calais to Dover or from 
 Boulogne to Folkstone are very inferior in accom- 
 modations for a two or three-hour trip. 
 
 That the English Channel is rotten, or was 
 every time I crossed it. 
 
 That Egypt has no future for its people; no 
 scientists to cure them of their many afflictions; 
 no teachers that can ever bring them to personal 
 124 
 
prosperity. Education won't benefit their coun- 
 try, because it will destroy their laborers, and 
 without five-cent labor for a daily wage, no work 
 can be obtained for the lack of fuel; five cents a 
 day permits the employment of a hundred labor- 
 ers for the cost of one mechanic in America. 
 
 That skins of Nile water are carried by Egyp- 
 tians miles for one-half piastre — 2^ cents. 
 
 That the only water drank by the natives is 
 Nile water. 
 
 That the native houses in Egypt are built of a 
 sort of concrete and most of them have no roofs. 
 
 That Egyptian oranges are equal to Florida 
 oranges in sweetness or nearly so. 
 
 That Shakespeare never wrote anything but his 
 will. 
 
 That the two veils — black and white — worn by 
 Egyptian women mean that those who wear white 
 are more quality than those who wear black. 
 
 That they don't serve butter for dinner in for- 
 eign lands. You can get it if you yell hard 
 enough. 
 
 That of all the foreigners who purchase rugs 
 in Egypt, Americans are considered the best judges 
 of them. 
 
 That Marconi did not discover wireless; he 
 merely applied it. 
 
 121 
 
THANKS. 
 
 To Mr. and Mrs. T. J. Felder for their careful 
 attention and kind consideration and entertain- 
 ment in France, Egypt and Italy. 
 
 To Mrs. John W. Hart, Miss Donegan, Mrs. 
 Walsh and Miss Marie Walsh for their diligent 
 attempt to have me see more of Rome in eight 
 hours than most people see there in eight weeks. 
 
 To Tom Keck for his genial companionship and 
 entertainment. 
 
 To Mr. Windship for his attention and experi- 
 ence in guiding me through Paris. 
 
 To Mrs. Windship for her good fellowship and 
 pleasant association. 
 
 To Mr. and Mrs. Brevoort and Miss Brevoort 
 for their delightful society. 
 
 To Mr. and Mrs. Donald Harper for the pleas- 
 ant evenings at Mr. Felder's and at their beauti- 
 ful home. 
 
 To Miss Margaret Carlisle, of London, for her 
 courteous treatment and pleasant conversation. 
 
 To the Consonant Club for their good wishes 
 and farewell dinner the evening prior to my sail- 
 ing. 
 
 To. Captain Harry Smith of the "Cedric" for 
 all his kind attentions during the long voyage 
 from Alexandria to New York. 
 
 126 
 
To Dr. Pryor of the "Cedric" for vaccinating 
 me and then curing me when I was sick. 
 
 To Henry Schweitzer for aiding me in correct- 
 ing "the proofs." This must be the first case on 
 record of a genuine American having a genuine 
 Dutchman correct his English. 
 
 To Col. John G. Lonsdale, Mr. A. A. Knowles 
 and Walker, Mr. Lonsdale's valet, for the mag- 
 nificent reception at the dock upon my return to 
 New York, and for the speedy manner in which 
 they pushed me through the Custom House and 
 whisked me to my apartment in his auto. 
 
 To all those who have given the time to peruse 
 these pages — for any one who writes a book should 
 be thankful to all those who read it. 
 
 Thanks to Mr. J. Nalle, of Bryn Mawr, Penn- 
 sylvania, for his courteous treatment and valuable 
 expressions on Egypt. 
 
 127 
 
REGRETS. 
 
 That I was unable to remain in London longer 
 than three days. 
 
 That Judge Mayer of No. 1 Regent Street, Lon- 
 don, did not keep his engagement with me and 
 give me that letter of introduction to Lord 
 Kitchener. 
 
 That I did not meet Augustus B. Eddy before 
 the last day of my sojourn in Paris. 
 
 That I was unable to accept the kind invitation 
 to visit Mr. and Mrs. M. Oscar Doering, at Leipsic, 
 Germany. 
 
 That I missed the celebrated dinner at the 
 Savoy by being too modest in ringing up Mayfair 
 on the night of my arrival. 
 
 That I found out that Shakespeare didn't write 
 anything. 
 
 That I was unable to remain in Rome longer 
 than one day. 
 
 That I was not familiar with Roman history 
 sufficiently to remember everything I saw and 
 heard and especially as I did not know all the 
 names of the Popes and Emperors. 
 
 128 
 
HART PANGS. 
 
 Three-fourths of the earth is water, and salty 
 at that. So don't forget it. 
 
 Always tell a lie to get at the truth; but never 
 tell truth to get at a lie. 
 
 Right is wrong when it hurts and wrong may 
 be right when it soothes. 
 
 To assume a virtue, is a theft. 
 
 Rant as much as you please, you may scare some- 
 one. 
 
 Don't forget to learn, but learn to forget. 
 
 To condone a fraud to make a profit is criminal. 
 
 To appropriate a thought and disseminate it, 
 is flat burglary. 
 
 Always get the photograph of the other man. 
 Let no one measure you but your tailor. 
 
 Always write with a pencil. 
 
 Never let your palate fool your stomach. 
 
 Never let go until you catch on. 
 
 A man can hold a woman best by letting 
 her go. 
 
 Men are as as different in their minds as they 
 are in their countenances. 
 
 What a man says seldom has much to do with 
 his acts. They should not be measured by their 
 words, because their tongues slip too much. 
 
 Inconsistency is a large part of the human 
 makeup. When everybody gets to be consistent 
 
 129 
 
there will be no need of pulpits, jails or court 
 houses. 
 
 If someone will develop our other sense, then 
 everybody will become straight. 
 
 To call a man a damn fool is no argument. It 
 is a confession. 
 
 130 
 
FINIS. 
 
 If anybody who reads these pages as they are 
 written, the occurrences as they are repeated, the 
 stories as they are prepared, wants to change the 
 phraseology, reform the ideas, or correct the 
 spelling, I don't propose to have any arguments 
 with them, for whatever they want to do, or what- 
 ever they want to say about it, that's exactly 
 what I want to do and "that's what I said." 
 
 131 
 
USEFUL AKABIC. 
 
 The following words and phrases will be of 
 good service to the Egyptian traveler. They are 
 easily mastered: 
 
 Good morning — Neharak said. 
 
 Good evening — Leitak saidah. 
 
 Bring— Hat Gib. 
 
 Show me — Warreeni. 
 
 Give me — Iddeeni. 
 
 Be quick — Istaagil. 
 
 Be quiet — Iskut. 
 
 Go away — Imshi. 
 
 Go, go on — Rooh, yallah. 
 
 I want — Ana auz. 
 
 I do not want — Moosh auz. 
 
 If I want anything — Izakan auz haga, ann. 
 
 I will tell you — Acolak. 
 
 What do you want? — Auz eh? 
 
 Come here — Tsaala hena. 
 
 What is the time ? — Ess saa kam ? 
 
 Open the door, the window — Iftah el bab, esh 
 shibbak. 
 
 Shut— Ffil. 
 
 Listen to me — Esma minni. 
 
 How much is this? — Kam di. 
 
 It is too dear — Ghali awi. 
 
 I have no money — Ma andeesh feloos. 
 
 Never mind — Maalaish. 
 
 132 
 
When?— Emta. 
 When — Lamma. 
 Carriage — Arabeah. 
 
 Are you disengaged, driver? — Enta fadi ya, 
 arbagi ? 
 
 Drive on — Soogh. 
 
 Straight — Doghri. 
 
 To the right — Yemeenak. 
 
 To the left — Shemaalak. 
 
 Turn around — Dawaar. 
 
 Stop!— Andak! 
 
 Go to the station, hotel— Rooh fil mahattah, 
 locanda. 
 
 I will not give you any more — Ana ma deelaksh 
 ziyada. 
 
 Do not hit your horse — Ma tidraph hosanak. 
 
 Put the hood down — Nazzil el kapoot. 
 
 Put the hood up — Talla el kapoot. 
 
 Be off with you— Rooh be'eed Minni'. 
 
 Who is talking to you — Meen be kallimak. 
 
 Run — Igri. 
 
 Don't do so — Ma-tamilish keda. 
 
 Look here — Esma. 
 
 Next time — Teni noba. 
 
 Slowly — Bishwayish-alamahlak. 
 
 To-morrow — Bukkra. 
 
 133 
 
MAY 27 19!2