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 Costume Monologues 
 
 
Costume Monologues 
 
 By 
 
 WALTER BEN HARE 
 
 Author of more than one hundred plays, including : 
 
 'A Couple of Million" "Professor Pepp" "A Pageant 
 
 of History" "The Hoodoo" "Much Ado About 
 
 Betty ," " Teddy, " " The Heiress Hunters, " " The 
 
 Scoutmaster," "The Camp Fire Girls ," "The Boy 
 
 So outs ," " The Dutch Detective ," " Isosceles, 
 
 "Twelve Old Maids," "The Beantown 
 
 Choir" etc. 
 
 NOTE 
 
 These monologues may be presented by amateurs free 
 of royalty and without express permission. The profes- 
 sional stage rights are, however, strictly reserved, and 
 production by professional actors, given in advertised 
 places of amusement and for profit, is forbidden. Persons 
 who may wish to produce them publicly and profession- 
 ally should apply to the author in care of the publishers. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 1919 
 
 Copy ^ 
 
-ruff, 
 
 e 1 
 
 Costume Monologues 
 
 Copyright, 1919, by Walter Ben Hare 
 As author and proprietor. 
 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 Attention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright 
 Law of the United States of America in force July 1, 1909, for 
 any infringement of an author's rights, as follows : 
 
 Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
 Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid 
 or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
 upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
 ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, 
 at the discretion of the court. 
 
 Sbc. ao. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or 
 impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the 
 same purport, in or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- 
 tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- 
 righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less 
 than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars. 
 
 ifcH 20 !9T9 
 
 
 52787 
 
<T»- 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Hello, People I 7 
 
 A bright opening number that establishes a feeling of 
 intimacy between the reader and the audience. 
 Written for Nora Bayes and used with great success 
 on the vaudeville stage. Verse. 
 
 Nora and the Twins u 
 
 Irish dialect. Probably the most humorous monologue 
 ever published. As given over 2,000 times by the 
 author. An avalanche of fun. Baby-cries introduced. 
 
 Lizzie Announces Her Engagement . . 19 
 
 How a popular saleslady, long on slang but short on 
 grammar, made Mr. Dugan propose to her assisted 
 by an evening at the movie-pitchers. A laugh from 
 start to finish. 
 
 Waiting for the Train 27 
 
 A humorous story of a country matron whose patience 
 is exhausted waiting for the train, taking care of 
 other people's children, answering a saucy baggage- 
 man, searching for a lost hand-bag, helping an over- 
 burdened friend on board, and finally missing the 
 train herself. Very popular with Chautauqua audi- 
 
 Old Friend Wife . . . . . 3 5 
 
 A pranologue. A bit of sentiment in verse that never 
 fails to capture the feminine portion of the audience. 
 
 A Mountain Phcebe . ... 39 
 
 The belle of Old Gal Mountain in the Ozark Hills tells 
 of her fall from grace and declines the hand of the 
 preacher whose object is matrimony. Music, dance- 
 
 calls and dancing are introduced. A prize-winner. 
 
 ■Sa 
 
4 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Her First Club- Meeting .... 
 
 A young society matron tries to preside at the opening 
 meeting of a new club. Her knowledge of parlia- 
 mentary law is very vague, but her sense of safety 
 first is well developed. Refined humor. Recom- 
 mended for clubs, schools, etc. 
 
 4* 
 
 The Lily of France ..... 
 
 A prize-winning monologue in blank verse, depicting 
 the last hours of Joan of Arc. Worthy of a star's 
 best efforts, as it runs the entire gamut of drama and 
 pathos. Musical suggestions and bell-tones. 
 
 $1 
 
 Mother Goose and Her Son John ... 61 
 
 A Valentine story for the kiddies told by Old Mother 
 Goose. Real valentines and an artificial duck add 
 to the gayety. A great number for professional story- 
 tellers. 
 
 Antigone -71 
 
 A dramatic monologue in blank verse arranged from 
 the tragedy by Sophocles. A Grecian maiden's de- 
 fiance of a tyrant king. An interesting story, pathos, 
 tragedy and a climactic " curse-scene." 
 
 The Coward 77 
 
 An encore monologue in verse. Intense dramatic de- 
 scription and humorous anti-climax. Musical ac- 
 companiment suggested. 
 
 The Human Tonic 79 
 
 Grandma Grout, who poses as a human tonic, tells an 
 invalid friend of the ills and woes of the world, and 
 recommends " Migginses Stomach Balm as good fer 
 anything in the human cistern." Broad comedy. 
 
 A Poor Old Maid 85 
 
 A study in characterization. An old maid tells of her 
 various love-affairs and impersonates an English dude, 
 a cowboy, an Italian, a southern dandy and a rich, 
 fat, old banker. Prose and verse. 
 
CONTENTS 5 
 
 The College Waitress 91 
 
 Miss Bee-trice Maginnis airs her views on college men, 
 co-eds, higher culture and education in general. A 
 big success on the vaudeville stage. Recommended 
 for high schools and colleges. 
 
 Hagar in the Desert 97 
 
 A Biblical monologue in blank verse. The familiar 
 story of God's care for Hagar and Ishmael left by 
 Abraham to die in the desert. Recommended for 
 women's clubs, lodges, churches and schools. 
 
 Aunt Uritty of the Hills . . . .101 
 
 A comedy in mountain dialect. An old hill-woman of 
 Arkansas visits the mountain school, restores dis- 
 cipline, and tells of the courting of little Come-over 
 Quirk and Big Margot Updike. 
 
 Rag Baby .107 
 
 Monologue for a little girl impersonating a rag doll. 
 A Christmas story of a rag doll who thinks she is to 
 be cast aside for the new French doll, but is later , 
 
 informed that the French doll is only a visitor and 
 she is " mamma's child." 
 
 Down With the Men ! 113 
 
 A farcical, burlesque lecture delivered by Miss Saman- 
 thy Snapdragon. Eight minutes of harmless fun. 
 
 Jimmie and the Brand-New Baby . . -117 
 
 A monologue for a little boy who wants to auction off 
 his new baby sister to any one in the audience. Very 
 popular and not too long. 
 
 Springtime 121 
 
 A monologue introducing a chorus, bird-calls, aesthetic 
 dancing and the joy of the coming of Spring. A 
 good closing number, fully described. 
 

Costume Monologues 
 
 HELLO, PEOPLE! 
 
 Written for Nora Bayes, 
 
 THE FAMOUS VAUDEVILLE STAR 
 
 A vaudeville star, whom some of you know, 
 When she makes her appearance to open her show 
 Says, " Hello, people ; people, hello ! " 
 
 I think the idea is perfectly good, 
 Let's all get acquainted. I wish that I could 
 Come out there in front, shake you each by the hand, 
 And say, " Mrs. Audience, my you look grand ! 
 How's the husband and babies? I'm glad you are 
 
 well, 
 Sit down and be cosy, we'll visit a spell." 
 Now isn't that nice? We're acquainted, I know, 
 So smile and be happy, and I'll start the show. 
 
 One of my audience looks rather glum — 
 Perhaps she is wishing that she hadn't come, 
 Or perhaps she's afraid that the baby's awake, 
 
 7 
 
8 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Or the front door's unlocked, or maybe the cake's 
 Where the children can get it. She's all in a flurry ! 
 Forget it, dear lady, just smile and don't worry. 
 Let's steal a glad hour from the dull things of life 
 And lay aside worry and trouble and strife. 
 
 And now that the introduction is through, 
 
 You all must like me, and I'm sure to like you. 
 
 Come, help me along with a smile and a cheer 
 
 And a bit of applause. Now isn't it queer 
 
 That I'm standing here smiling and asking for aid? 
 
 It's rather unusual, but then I'm afraid 
 
 If you don't help me out, you won't like the show — 
 
 And the manager might cut my salary, you know. 
 
 The kiddies and babies, I love every one, 
 If you will be patient, I'll give you some fun 
 From Costume Monologues, you'll laugh, I declare, 
 At the comical quips of Walter Ben Hare. 
 There are bushels of smiles and a couple of tears, 
 So just wait a while and I'll please you, my dear, 
 I'll tell you of Nora and the cry-baby twins, 
 When children get restless then trouble begins. 
 
 And the folks that are crowded back there by the 
 
 aisle, 
 I'm sorry you're crowded, but at least you can smile ! 
 You've paid your good money to have a good time, 
 So let's all be happy, get the worth of each dime. 
 
HELLO, PEOPLE! 
 
 Of course I'm no Bernhardt, or Fiske or Duse, 
 But I'll be rewarded if you will but say, 
 She's doing her best to give us a good show ! 
 So, Hello, people ; people, hello ! 
 
NORA AND THE TWINS 
 
 Nora is an Irish sprig of shamrock with plenty 
 of confidence in herself — and why shouldn't she 
 have it? — sure, she's only been in Americky six 
 months and has already held four jobs and become 
 engaged to be married to a policeman. She drops 
 in for a little afternoon call on her friend, Miss 
 Finnigan. 
 
 (Impersonate a good-natured Irish girl with a 
 loud voice and plenty of " brogue." Pronounce 
 the words exactly as written and pay particular 
 attention to pauses after punctuation marks. 
 Give your audience time to absorb the points 
 of your story. ) 
 
 I'll set down wid you a minute, Mary Ann Fin- 
 nigan, this bein' me afternoon off, and ease the 
 troubles of me moind. Sure, durin' the past wake 
 me tribulations have been as thick as the bristles 
 on a Kilkenny hog's back. And it's all on account 
 of the twins at the Marvinses. That's where I 
 work. That is I did work there until this mawrnin' 
 whin I was foired, but seein' this was me after- 
 noon off, I refused to be foired until this avenin', 
 and it's me full pay I'll have, er none at all. And 
 
 ii 
 
12 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 I'll get it, too. Fer well they know that me fi-nan- 
 say is on the police force, and they're afraid to 
 trifle wid the arm of the law. And it's purty well 
 fer me too, is it not? Me havin' only been in this 
 country six months come Michaelmas. But be that 
 as it may! 
 
 I was spakin' about me trials and tribulations, 
 the chafest of which is the twins. Bob and Betty, 
 their names is, the wan bein' a boy and the other 
 wan a girrul, and the both of 'em just a year and a 
 half old, the wan just the same as the other, both 
 havin' been born on the same day, makin' thim 
 twins. Sure, 'twas the first toime I ever saw any 
 twins in me loife, except kittens and puppy dogs, 
 and things loike that. The only twins I ever 
 knowed in Ireland was both of them growed up, 
 and both of them full sized women named Ellen and 
 Bridget Hannihan; and foine dacent women they 
 are, too, though wan of thim has only wan eye, her 
 havin' had an accidint wid a flatiron whin she was 
 only a choild. But be that as it may ! 
 
 'Twas only wan wake I worked at the Marvinses, 
 having answered an advertisement that me fi-nan- 
 say saw in the newspaper. Little did I know about 
 children at all, at all — much less twins. And my, 
 my! Mrs. Marvin was so hygienic wid her ther- 
 mometers, and hot wather bottles and microbes and 
 germans and food calories, sure it's a wonder I've 
 got any brain lift in me head at all. First it was the 
 temperature of the twinses' bath. It had to be just 
 
NORA AND THE TWINS 1 3 
 
 so. And she gave me a little glass do-dinkus that 
 tills you how hot the wather is, er how cold. But I 
 had no time to be foolin' wid that thing. Sure, I 
 have a plan of me own that bates any thermometer 
 iver invented. First you fill the tub wid wather and 
 thin you stick the baby in, and if it turns blue, it's 
 cold, and if it turns red, it's hot. And there you 
 are. Thim Marvinses is too hygienic to live, so 
 they are. Sure, they think iverything is full of little 
 germans unless you boil it on the foire to git 'em 
 out. Did you iver hear of such a thing, Mary Ann ? 
 And microbes ! the missus was all the toime lookin' 
 fer microbes. She says did I know what a microbe 
 was. I tould her I did not, but I knew what a bath- 
 robe was, but it wasn't the same thing at all, at all. 
 However, be that as it may ! 
 
 First of all, no wan was to be allowed to kiss the 
 little twinses. That was all right wid me. I'd just 
 as soon have choked thim as kiss thim. Sure I had 
 no love fer thim children iver since I put me finger 
 in wan of their mouths to see if it had tathe yit, and 
 it nearly bit me hand off. I thought I'd have to 
 have me finger operated. Tathe, is it ? Sure, they 
 had tathe like a rhinocerous. And cry! thim two 
 twins made more hullabaloo than an Irish wake wid 
 ould Oonah Gilhooly ladin' the mourners, and 
 screamin' off into high-strikes twicet an hour by the 
 clock. 
 
 The first day I worked there I took the twins out 
 in their double baby-carriage into the park to git 
 
14 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 the air. I was sated pacefully on a binch wid the 
 carriage be me side, whin who should I see strollin' 
 toward me but O'Gilly, me fi-nan-say who's on the 
 force. He sat down beside me and started to be- 
 come very confidential in his remarks, it bein' a 
 secluded part of the park. " Nora/' says he, " whin 
 we are married will we live in a flat or in the 
 suburbs ? " 
 
 I just started to say, " Mike, darling" whin wan 
 of thim twins let out a " Ya-ya-a-a-aaa ! " loike you'd 
 think it was bein' scalded or burned to death. Thin 
 just as soon as the other twin heard that she decided 
 that it was toime to join the concert and she started 
 " Eh-eh-e-e-eee ! " Sure I looked to see what the 
 trouble was and wan of thim had his foot in the 
 other wan's mouth, and the other wan was bitin' his 
 toe clane off his foot, just loike he bit me finger two 
 hours before. I separated thim, but just as soon as 
 Mike took aholt of me hand again to resume the 
 conversation they started: 
 
 (Softly.) "Ah, ah, eh! (Sharp intake of 
 breath.) U-u-u-wow! (Loud, sudden yell.) 
 Wow!" 
 
 " Nora," said Mike agin, takin' me hand and 
 sinkin* me head on his powerful shoulder, " dar- 
 lin' " 
 
 "Ah — oo — ah — oo! Wa-wa-wa-wa-7x;aA, wah!" 
 
 Now, I lave it to you, Mary Ann Finnigan, who 
 could make love wid such howlings and carrying-on 
 in the baby-carriage? Mike arose and lift me in 
 
 
NORA AND THE TWINS 1 5 
 
 disgust, and I took the babies back hon^e fully de- 
 cidin' to lave the situation at once. (Thim twins 
 was too much for me. But I staid until yesterday 
 and thim babies cry in' all the toime, mawrnin', noon 
 and noight. They made more noise than a dozen 
 stame enjines workin' all to oncet, and they cried 
 more water than goes over Niagary Falls. So in 
 me desperation I wint to see me f rind Anne Casey, 
 who is a nursemaid who lives acrost the strate two 
 houses beyant, and I siz to her, I siz, siz I, "Anne, 
 phwat must you do whin the children do be cryin' 
 all the toime ? " 
 
 " Why, give thim some Melon Food," siz Anne 
 Casey. 
 
 And I did. I gave them two watermelons and 
 three cantaloupes. I thought at first I had cured 
 them. But I was mistaken. Sure, they hollered so 
 loud that I think me own mother over in Ireland 
 must have heard them. My, my, but I was ex- 
 asperated. 
 
 So over again to Anne Casey goes I, and I tould 
 her phwat I had done. She laughed until the tears 
 run down the back of her neck, she's that cross- 
 eyed. I was just beginnin' to become very, very 
 indignant wid Anne Casey whin she gave me an 
 ixplanation. 
 
 " No, no," says she, " 'twas not watermelons I 
 was manin', but a food made up especially for chil- 
 dren. Ye git it at the droog-store in a little bottle. 
 Melon Food. It costs twinty-foive cints ! " 
 
16 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 So I spint the twinty-foive cints and got the little 
 bottle. Thin I wint home and took the two twins on 
 me two knees, and got a strangle holt around their 
 necks. They was both cryin' full force at the toime. 
 I allowed thim to smell the bottle and, begorry, they 
 both stopped cryin' at wanst. "Ah, ha," siz I, " at 
 last I've found something that'll turn off the faucet, 
 so I have." And I determined to give 'em a good 
 dose aven if it took up the whole bottle. But first 
 I wanted to be sure, so I rid the directions that was 
 printed on the outside. I intended to follow thim 
 most carefully, for if that bottle didn't cure thim 
 twins from bawlin' sure I'd have to git me another 
 situation. 
 
 Let me see, phwat did it say? (Pretend to read 
 label on imaginary bottle.) " Before feeding shake 
 well ! " (Look at it closer and read slower.) " Be- 
 fore feeding shake well ! " (Puzzled look slowly 
 changes to a broad smile.) Begorry, that was pie 
 fer me. Shake well, is it? Sure, I nearly shook 
 the life out of 'em. I had it in fer thim kids ony- 
 how. They niver yelled a note. I think I shook 
 all the yell out of 'em. Thin I set thim on me 
 knees agin and rid the rist of the instructions. 
 (Kead from bottle.) "After fadin' put in a cold 
 place!" 
 
 I put both of the twins in the ice-box. It was 
 the coldest place I could think of. And now I'm 
 lookin' fer a new situation. 
 
NORA AND THE TWINS 1 7 
 
 NOTES 
 
 This monologue may be given in costume, if 
 desired. Wear a dark skirt, an old-fashioned 
 jacket, bright green tie and gaudy hat. When 
 given in this costume omit the introductory 
 paragraph. 
 
 On the line " I'll set down wid you a minute," 
 draw a rocking-chair close to the footlights 
 at center and sit down. Give the monologue 
 seated and rocking comfortably. When Nora 
 becomes excited she rises, but resumes her 
 seat when she feeds the twins. 
 
 Pay particular attention to the imitation of the 
 crying babies. Take some lessons in this art 
 from the real articles. 
 
 On the line " I put both of the twins in the ice- 
 box," rise and cross to entrance at side of 
 stage. 
 
 The vaudeville rights of this monologue are 
 strictly reserved, but this caution does not 
 apply to Lyceum or Chautauqua work. 
 
LIZZIE ANNOUNCES HER 
 ENGAGEMENT 
 
 (Lizzie, the popular saleslady in men's neckties, 
 dazzlingly dressed and coiffured, gurgles to her 
 chums at the beanery.) 
 
 Girls, you'll never guess what's happened to me 
 in a thousand years. I'm engaged to be married. 
 (Pauses triumphantly.) Yep, got a ring and every- 
 thing. The poor fish come acrost last night. 
 (Pauses.) What's that, Teresa Goldstein? I 
 shouldn't call him a poor fish? Huh, I wasn't re- 
 ferring to him at all. I meant myself. Of course 
 Mr. Dugan ain't a fish. Far be it from such. He's 
 a perfect gentleman and has the loveliest manners. 
 He drives an ice-wagon and belongs to the Union 
 and everything. 
 
 Well do I remember the first day we met. It was 
 that mornin' after me and Gert went to the Pants 
 Pressers' Ball, and got fined a quarter fer bein' 
 fifteen minutes late to the store. I'll never fergit 
 that ball. Them Pants Pressers is awful refined. 
 There wasn't more'n three er four fights all even- 
 ing, hardly. 
 
 Oh, yes, what did I start to say ? Oh, yes, about 
 19 
 
20 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 the first time I met Dugan. Well, I hadn't no 
 more'n got my counter dusted off that morning when 
 I looks up and who do I see but Dugan comin* 
 towards me full blast, as the sayin' is. Do you 
 know I felt a big hump right in my chest the minute 
 I sees him ? It might have been fate warnin' me of 
 what was goin' to happen, er it might have been me 
 not havm' had no breakfast on account of over- 
 sleeping myself and rushing down to ketch the 
 7 142 car. Anyhow there was a hump. 
 
 And he come straight to my counter. You re- 
 member, don't you, Pansy ? " Oh, you ! " he says, 
 jest thataway, but you orter heard the expression 
 he put in them few words. " Gwan," says I, " the 
 kiddin' room is up on the roof ; take the elevator and 
 get the fresh air ! " And he come back jest as cute. 
 " I was up there," says he, " but they told me you 
 was down here. What might them be?" and he 
 picked up some neckties jest fer a bluff. He 
 knowed you was lamping him off, Pansy. He told 
 me so afterwards. " Them is neckwear," says I, 
 outwardly calm (pronounced ca'm) but inward jest 
 burning with excitement. " And how much ? " says 
 he. " Fifty cents to you, but a half dollar to any 
 one else." I always could hold my own with them 
 quick come-backs. 
 
 Then he wanted me to try some gloves on him. 
 That was the last straw. He held my hand till I 
 had to call him down, much as I hated to do it, him 
 being a perfect stranger at the time. " Say," says 
 
LIZZIE ANNOUNCES HER ENGAGEMENT 21 
 
 I, " you wanter can that stuff. The floorwalker's 
 got his eyes on you. Our store has lost a lot lately 
 through shopliftin'." I sold him four neckties, three 
 pairs of gloves and six ijy 2 collars. He actually 
 staid more'n a hour, didn't he, Pansy? He never 
 saw a thing he bought 'cause he never took his lamps 
 off'n my eyes the whole time. I thought he was 
 goin' to camp there the rest of the mornin' and we 
 was kiddin' along right pleasant, him and me, when 
 the floorwalker (I hate that guy) gimme a sign to 
 hurry him up and he seen it and went. 
 
 Oh, I fergot! Before he went he made a date 
 with me fer the Bricklayers and Mortar Workers' 
 Ball the next night. Oh, boy, I'll never fergit that 
 ball till my dyin' day ! I wore my new silk taffeta, 
 $1.69, reduced. Mr. Dugan proved to be a lovely 
 dancer. In fact fer a big man I never saw any one 
 who was so light on my feet. I knowed he was a 
 reg'lar guy the minute I lamped him comin' toward 
 my counter that mornin' when the hump came in 
 my chest. 
 
 Lemme see, where was I at ? Oh, yes, I started to 
 tell you how he came to propose. Oh, he was a 
 bashful man all right. I hate them that ain't. 
 Take it from me, girls, and pick a bashful man every 
 time. They mean business. One evening he asked 
 me if I would accept his excort to the movie pitchers 
 and I consented in my grandest manner. Gert had 
 moved out of the boardin' house by that time and I 
 was all alone and as lonesome as an oyster in a stew. 
 
22 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 We started fer the pitchers and I says to myself, 
 says I, " Lizzie, it's up to you, old top ; it's do or die, 
 sink er swim, give me Dugan er give me death ! " 
 I was that emotional. 
 
 We walked along the avenue jest grand. First I 
 steered him up in front of a jewelry window. He 
 never suspected no ulterior motions no more'n a 
 month-old baby. He asks me which ring I likes 
 the best. Wouldn't that put a pane in your sash? 
 I answered as quick as a flash, " The plain gold 
 ones," says I. Wasn't that a grand opening? But 
 he was as dumb as a clam chowder. All he says 
 was that I was a sensible girl to prefer a plain one 
 to one wid a rock in it. Then we started fer the 
 movie pitchers. 
 
 We passed by three er four, but they wasn't what 
 I was lookin' fer. You see, I wanted one with a 
 weddin' in it, him being that bashful. Finally I 
 found it. It was The Love Light in Her Eyes in 
 Six Parts and showed the dame in a pitcher outside 
 all diked up in a weddin' veil. " We'll go in here," 
 says I, " weddings is my long suit." Another open- 
 ing, but still he ain't sayin' a word. 
 
 It was a lovely pitcher and I could see right away 
 that he was impressed. But he never even squoze 
 my fingers. Ain't some men the gumps? The girl 
 in the pitcher had a horrible time gettin* married. 
 It took her three reels to git the guy to perpose and 
 two more to git the weddin' pulled off. And all 
 the time the vampire and the villun was tryin' to 
 
LIZZIE ANNOUNCES HER ENGAGEMENT 2$ 
 
 crab the game. Some folks don't even need a vam- 
 pire and a villun, they kin crab their own game. I 
 told that to Dugan. 
 
 Oh, the pitcher got awfil exciting long towards 
 the last. The villun was goin' to come right in the 
 church and say that he forbid the banns to the 
 bride, her bein' already his lawful wedded wife 
 married to him in Omaha. And he did. Dugan 
 was awful worked up. " I could beat the face off'n 
 him," says he. 
 
 "Fer why?" says I. 
 
 " Fer crabbin' the weddin'," says Dugan. Then 
 I let go straight from the shoulder. 
 
 " He ain't the only one that's crabbin' a wedding" 
 says I. 
 
 And I give him a emotional look. 
 
 " I don't get you," says he. 
 
 " I didn't think you would," says I, and I didn't 
 deign to explain no further. And while he was 
 thinkin' it over they changed the pitchers and run 
 a Fatty Arbuckle, and Heavings knows there ain't no 
 more sentiment in one of them comics than there is 
 in a oyster. 
 
 " Don't you think he's funny ? " says Dugan. I 
 was never more exasperated in my life. 
 
 " There's them that's funnier than he is, and 
 thicker too, and don't draw no salary fer it neither." 
 If that wasn't a solar plexus, I dunno what you'd 
 call it. My, I was mad. I hurried him out and 
 started fer home on a dead trot. I'd jest about give 
 
24 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Dugan up as a bonehead and a bad job. Gert had 
 told me that the bashful ones always needed a little 
 encouragement. Well, Heavings knows I done my 
 best. 
 
 / Lemme see, where was I? Oh, yes, we started 
 home immediate, and I was as mad as a damp duck. 
 We didn't even stop to git a hamburger sandwich, 
 er a nut sundae, er chewin' gum er nothin'. And 
 whenever Lizzie Grabbenheimer don't stop fer a 
 light after-the-theatre refreshment, you know 
 sump'm's dead wrong. When we got to my boardin* 
 house I was so nervous I couldn't see straight. I 
 had jest one trump left, and, believe me, I played 
 it. And it took the trick. 
 
 First I fetched a long sigh, like that! (Gives a 
 long sigh.) I heard the leadin' lady in a show do 
 that oncet and it often comes in handy. It lets the 
 man know you're feelin' emotional, er sump'm. 
 Then I handed it to him straight from the shoulder. 
 
 " It's terrible lonesome, it is, since Gert moved 
 away, me livin' all alone by myself." And, take it 
 from me, I throwed a lot of feelin' in that speech. 
 
 But whatcha think he says? He looks at me a 
 minute and then he hands me this, " Why don't you 
 git one of the girls at the store to come and room 
 with you ? " 
 
 Could you beat it? I lost my ladylike attitude 
 right. It come so sudden. Get one of the girls 
 at the store to come and room with me ! What did 
 I do ? I hit him. I slapped him in the face so hard 
 
LIZZIE ANNOUNCES HER ENGAGEMENT 2$ 
 
 it stung my hand. Believe me, Pansy, it was some 
 wallop. He got dizzy and clinched till his head 
 cleared and when he come to and quit seem' stars 
 and the sidewalk quit spinnin* around, there I was — 
 softly sobbin' on his shirt front, and the deed was 
 done. 
 
WAITING FOR THE TRAIN 
 
 (Mrs. Boggs, a middle-aged country woman, is 
 waiting for her train in the Canton, N. Y., depot. 
 She sits at c, surrounded by parcels and bundles 
 and is reading a railroad time-table. ) 
 
 Humph, this time-table's about as sensible as a 
 funny page in the Sunday paper. Lemme see, the 
 train leaves Ogdensburg at 1 1 :2o p. m. and gits here 
 at 10:10 a. M. Well, I understand that much any- 
 how. ) It's 9:40 now and I've been waitin' in this 
 railroad station sence eight o'clock this morning. 
 My, but it's dirty. I'll bet this place ain't been 
 scrubbed since Bryan first started to run fer Presi- 
 dent. Oh, there's a man. (Rises and crosses to l.) 
 Say, did you see a train coming? You didn't? I 
 thought I heard a whistle er sump'm. You're the 
 station agent, ain't you? (Pauses.) Oh, the bag- 
 gage man. Well, when's the train due? 
 
 What train? Why, my train. (Pauses then 
 laughs.) Oh, you're cute, ain't you?/ No, I don't 
 think you're a mind-reader, you don't look like you 
 had any mind at all. Why the train to De Kalb 
 Junction, of course. Oh, 10: 10. Is that when it 
 leaves er when it gits here ? All the same, is it ? I 
 didn't know. I thought that mebbe they was goin* 
 to stop fer passengers, er sump'm. (Pauses.) If 
 
 27 
 
28 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 it gits here at 10:10 and leaves at 10:10 how on 
 earth is it goin' to stop to lemme on ? It takes time 
 fer me to git on a train. 
 
 Yes, I read the time-table in the folder. That 
 says it'll be here at 10: 10, but that ain't no sign it's 
 tellin' the truth, is it ? Trains is never on time any- 
 how, especially on these here one-hoss roads. Oh, 
 it ain't your road, hay? (Sarcastically.) Well, 
 now, I thought mebbe 'twas, seein' all the airs you 
 give yourself. I thought you must be the president 
 at least. 
 
 ( Turns to r. ) Well, fer the land sakes, if that ain't 
 Cornelia Cowslicker. (Crosses to R.) Howdy-do, 
 Cornelia. I ain't seen you sence Ebenezer Bean- 
 biler's funeral. I don't git much time to go to 
 festivities no more. \ 'Specially since Hiram's got 
 the tizic in his chist. ) How well you're lookin*. 
 Farmin' must agree with you. I didn't know it was 
 you at first, seein' as how I ain't seen you fer six 
 years, but I'd 'a' knowed that brown and green 
 dress anywheresi, I says to myself, " There ain't no 
 one in York State's got sich a dress except Cor- 
 nelia Cowslicker ! " — and I was right, j Where you 
 goin' ? 
 
 To Watertown? What fur? Oh, your boy 
 Ezry's bein' married? Well, I never! Who's 
 a-marryin' Mm? (Pauses. ) Oh ! No, I don't know 
 her. I don't know them Swedish folks very well. 
 Cornelia, you don't tell me them big children be- 
 long to you? Well, for the land sakes ! Don't time 
 
WAITING FOR THE TRAIN 29 
 
 fly? Come here, little gal, and shake hands with 
 me. I knowed you when you was still in long 
 clothes. What's her name, Cornelia? Cerinthy 
 Etta ! Well, ain't that lovely ? You must 'a' got it 
 out of a novel book. And a boy, too ! Well, well, 
 I ain't never had the pleasure of seem' you before, 
 young man. What's his name? John Hennery? 
 Named after his paw? Fer the land sakes. He 
 favors his paw too, Cornelia, especially about the 
 nose. But don't you worry, mebbe he'll outgrow it 
 before he gits big. What did he say? {Pauses.) 
 He wants to know what's the matter with his paw's 
 nose? {Laughs.) Why, nothin' at all, son. I jest 
 said that to be pleasant. 
 
 What's that, Cornelia? Your husband's nose is 
 a trifle large, but he allers keeps it outa other f olkses 
 affairs? Now, Cornelia, I didn't mean nothin' per- 
 sonal, you know that. You and me's been good 
 friends, off and on, fer thirty years, and it ain't 
 your fault that John Hennery's nose is so big. 
 Mebbe that's the sign of a big heart. _ Did you git 
 your things checked? You didn't? G^ on c;nd git 
 'em checked, it don't cost a cent. The baggage- 
 room is over there. I'll take care of the children 
 fer you. 
 
 What did you say your name was, little gal? 
 Cerinthy Etta, hay? Now you just set still like a 
 good little gal and then purty soon you'll have a 
 nice ride on the choo-choo cars. What's that? 
 You want a drink? All right. Come over here to 
 
30 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 the water-cooler. You want a drink too, John 
 Hennery ? All right. There you are. 
 
 There's that baggage man agin. (Crosses to l.) 
 Say, is that 10: 10 train on time? Oh, it was the 
 last you heard of it! When was that? (Pause, 
 then very sarcastically. ) Oh, yesterday ! Humph, 
 you orter be the cut-up in some circus show, you're 
 too cute to waste your time as a baggage man. Now 
 you lemme know when that 10 : 10 train arrives, er 
 I'll report you to the sup'intendent. My husband 
 used to work fer a railroad and I ain't goin' to take 
 no sass off'n you. What's that, John Hennery? 
 You want another drink ? Land sakes ! You chil- 
 dren's jist human sponges. Cerinthy, take brother 
 over there and git him another drink. You don't 
 want to? Well, you'd better. It's bad enough to 
 be settin' here fer six mortal hours a-waitin' fer 
 that 10 : 10 train, without havin' a couple of Cor- 
 nelia Cowslicker's young'uns pesterin' me. 
 
 John Hennery ! Where's that boy got to ? Out- 
 side, is he? (Crosses to r.) John Hennery, you 
 come away from the pig immediately. He'll bite 
 you. I don't keer if he is in a crate. Can't he bite 
 through the bars? Cerinthy, you go out and git 
 him. Do you want to git lost in a strange land 
 seven miles from home? (Turns to l.) 
 
 Well, Cornelia, did you git your things checked? 
 Then set down and we kin have a nice long talk 
 afore the train gits here. Which way you goin'? 
 Oh, south, hay? I'm goin' east myself. ) That's too 
 
WAITING FOR THE TRAIN 3 1 
 
 bad. I was hoping you'd go on my train and I'd 
 have comp'ny. I hate travelin' alone. /But there's 
 no gittin' Hiram away from home with a pitchfork, 
 him having the tizic so bad in his chist. )My, what 
 a lot of bundles you got. What's in that jar? 
 Watermelon preserves ? Oh, it's a weddin' present. 
 Ain't that nice, now? Kinder settin' 'em up in 
 housekeepin', ain't you? I'll never fergit that jar 
 of cherries you give me when I got married. They 
 was spiled. But I don't suppose you knowed that, 
 did you? Nearly give Hiram the measles, er 
 sump'm, when he et 'em. He's never been able to 
 stand the sight of a cherry preserve sence. Of 
 course I made him eat 'em. I'm a economical 
 woman, Cornelia, and I started right in with Hiram 
 on our weddin' day. Now, he'll eat anything. 
 
 (Seated at c, she looks toward l.) There's that 
 baggage man again. Mebbe he thinks we're goin' to 
 steal the water-cooler, er sump'm. Ain't he a funny 
 little shrimp? Looks a little bit like your John 
 Hennery around the eyes, but of course he ain't got 
 the nose. (Crosses to l.) Say, is that train on 
 time? (Pauses.) Oh, you don't know. Looks 
 like as long as you work fer the railroad you orter 
 know whether the train's on time er not. When 
 does the ticket office open? (Pauses.) Oh, when- 
 ever the ticket-agent gits ready to open it? Ain't 
 you fresh? Well, ef / was runnin' this railroad 
 there'd be some folks a-huntin' a new job. The 
 idea! (Sits at c.) 
 
32 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Did you hear about Mrs. Isaiah Trimmer here in 
 Canton last week? She let a can opener slip and 
 cut herself in the pantry. Right serious, too. 
 Them Trimmers is allers doin' sump'm to git their 
 names in the papers. Listen! (Starts up.) 
 Wasn't that a whistle? The train's comin'. 
 (Crosses to l. with bundles, etc.) Say, baggage 
 man, is that my train? You dunno, the last you 
 heard, it belonged to the railroad company. (With 
 great disgust.) Oh! You must 'a' been readin' 
 the almanac. It's the south train, hay? Cornelia, 
 that's your train. Hurry, it only stops a minute. 
 Git your things together. There, the train's in. 
 Hurry, Cornelia. 
 
 Your little hand-bag? No, I ain't seen it. 
 (Turns to l.) Have you seen anything of her little 
 hand-bag? Children, hustle around and hunt your 
 maw's hand-bag. (Looks around.) More'n likely 
 that baggage man picked it up. I wouldn't put it 
 a-past him. What's he say? All aboard? Con- 
 ductor, conductor, you jest wait a minute. One of 
 your passengers has lost some of her property. 
 Children, ain't you seen it yet? Johnny, run out 
 and ask the baggage man if he's seen anything of 
 your maw's hand-bag. Hurry up, we're a-holdin' 
 the train fer you. Conductor, don't you darst to 
 start that train till Cornelia Cowslicker finds her 
 hand-bag. It's a matter of life and death. Git a 
 move on ? My stars and seeds, whatcha think we're 
 doin'? 
 
WAITING FOR THE TRAIN 33 
 
 Don't you gimme none of your sass. I don't keer 
 ef you are the conductor. My husband used to 
 work fer a railroad and I'll report you to the sup'- 
 intendent. Hustle around, Cerinthy, and look fer 
 your maw's hand-bag. Don't set there like a bump 
 on a log. Go and look in the water-cooler. 
 
 Well, my stars and seeds! There's your hand- 
 bag. She was a-settin' on it all the time. Come on 
 now. Hurry up. Git aboard. {Turns to con- 
 ductor at l.) Well, she's a-hurryin', ain't she? 
 She ain't no locomotive. Come on, now. Here, 
 lemme help you. I'll carry that bird-cage. {Panto- 
 mimes assisting Cornelia to l.) Yes, you've got 
 everything. Fer the land sakes! {Shrill shriek.) 
 Johnny ! You've forgotten John Hennery ! Where 
 is he? That little limb, you orter spank him to 
 death. John! John Hennery! Where is he? 
 Oh, look there. He's on the train, settin' in the 
 coach as big as life. Hurry, Cornelia, hurry. 
 There's your ticket. Here, you git out of her way. 
 She's got to ketch that train. Oh, it's a-movin'. 
 Push her up, boost her. Up you go, Cornelia. 
 
 {Comes down to c.) Thank goodness, she's on 
 board at last. Oh, wait a minute. {Pick up jar 
 from floor and run to l.) Stop that train, you stop 
 that train! Cornelia, Cornelia, you f ergot your 
 watermelon preserves. Your wedding present. 
 Here it is. I'll throw it. There! {Pantomimes 
 throwing imaginary jar.) Good gracious, I hit the 
 porter right in the vestibule. {Laughs.) I don't 
 
34 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 keer. Cornelia got her watermelon preserves any- 
 way. 
 
 Say, baggage man, when does my train go? 
 What? That was my train? (Runs to l.) It's 
 gone. Stop it. Stop it. Telegram it to come back. 
 You can't? It's six miles away. (Sinks in chair.) 
 Oh, I've missed my train and it's all your fault, you 
 great big lummox. Now, I won't go. I won't go 
 a step, jest fer spite. I'm going back home and I'll 
 never travel over your old road again if I live to 
 be a hundred. 
 
OLD FRIEND WIFE 
 
 A PlANOLOGUE 
 
 (A popular reader who has given this selection over 
 two thousand times plays the piano accompani- 
 ment to "Just Before the Battle, Mother" 
 using only the music for the verse, omitting the 
 chorus. Play the air, not merely the chords, 
 as a running accompaniment to the words, fast 
 or slow as desired.) 
 
 Twas a party in the city, 
 
 And the crowd was rather gay ; 
 They had wined and dined and toasted 
 
 In the good old-fashioned way. 
 The last speaker on the program 
 
 Gave a lesson straight from life, 
 When he said, "Boys, lift your glasses 
 
 In a toast to Old Friend Wife." 
 
 Then a hush went round the table, 
 Each one thought it was a joke, 
 But the speaker paused a minute, 
 When he spoke his clear voice broke : 
 " I am serious, friends and brothers, 
 Toast the grandest things in life, 
 Toast our sisters and our mothers, 
 And at last toast Old Friend Wife, 
 35 
 
36 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 " Hand in hand you've gone together 
 
 The gold years and the gray, 
 Summer shines and winter weather 
 
 Each has come your way. 
 She was glad when you were lucky, 
 
 And when gloom and jinx were rife, 
 Words of cheer and smiles so plucky 
 
 Came to you from Old Friend Wife. 
 
 " Oh, I know she's sometimes balky, 
 
 And, of course, that makes you peeved ; 
 Midnight lectures, — yes, she's talky, 
 
 And you think you're deeply grieved. 
 Just have patience, keep your temper, 
 
 Do not mar your married life — 
 In your heart of hearts you worship 
 
 Balky, talky Old Friend Wife. 
 
 " Stop a minute, think it over, 
 
 Nine times out of ten she's right. 
 Why should she stay home so lonely 
 
 While you're chasing round at night ? 
 She's a soldier in life's battle, 
 
 Though there's ne'er a drum nor fife ! 
 Help her fight her cares and troubles, 
 
 She's a hero, Old Friend Wife. 
 
 " When you go to work each morning 
 Kiss the wife a fond good-bye, 
 Praise her looks and praise her cooking 
 As you did in days gone by. 
 
OLD FRIEND WIFE yj 
 
 Take her in your arms and tell her 
 
 She's the crowning joy of life, 
 Bring her flowers and bring her candy — 
 
 Sweetheart ever, Old Friend Wife. 
 
 Take a tip from me, my brothers, 
 
 Strew the flowers along her way, 
 For she won't be with you always, 
 
 Soon the gold will turn to gray. 
 Take her hand and call her Sweetheart, 
 
 Shield her close from cares and strife ; 
 God alone knows all her troubles, 
 
 Mother, Chum and Old Friend Wife." 
 
A MOUNTAIN PHCEBE 
 
 (Phcebe Martin is the belle of Old Gal Mountain 
 in the Ozark Hills of Arkansas. She wears a 
 bright, flowered cretonne dress trimmed with 
 yellow cambric ribbons. Rough low shoes wiih 
 yellow cambric bozvs. Hair down in curls. 
 Cheap hat trimmed in flowers to match the 
 dress. Reticule on arm. A quaint, cheap cos- 
 tume, but very becoming to the vivacious 
 Phcebe.) 
 
 Now, maw, there hain't a bit of use fer you and 
 Aunt Uritty to talk to me thataway. I reckon airy 
 gal in the hull world would 'a' did what I done and 
 I'm ready to take the blame, even ef they turn me 
 outa church fer it. You-uns cain't dance yourself 
 and that's how-come you don't have no patience 
 with them that do. 
 
 When Iry Tolliver tooken me to that party I 
 didn't reckon to up an' dance no more'n a crow. All 
 the time I war joggin' along back of him on the bay 
 mare I kep' sayin' to myself, " Phoebe Martin, you're 
 a church member now ! " Jest kinder keepin' time 
 to the hosses' joggin'. " You're a church member ! 
 
 39 
 
40 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 you're a church member, you're a church member ! " 
 But it shore didn't do no good. I sinned and I 
 reckon I'll bear the punishment. I ain't aimuV to 
 be sassy, maw, but you know there ain't airy a gal 
 on the mountain who wouldn't 'a' gone to that 'ere 
 party last night, 'less'n she war lame, er crippled, 
 er down sick in the baid. 
 
 I warn't aimin' to dance when I went nohow. I 
 knowed that I war a church member, good and 
 strong, and that I'd done made my perfession and 
 stood high with the preacher, but, maw, I got feet 
 and I got feelings, and when Ben Bartlett and Sim 
 Littlebin started to play them fiddles, laws ! (Soft 
 violin music heard behind scenes playing " Hown' 
 Dawg Song.") I reckon my feet and my feelings 
 done got the better of me. Yes'm, I admit I danced, 
 and worse'n that, I gloried in it. 
 
 Them boys certainly made them fiddles sing, maw, 
 and they sung clean down into my heart and grabbed 
 it and set it a-throbbin', and when your heart throbs 
 and the fiddles sing thata way, you jes' naturally 
 cain't help what your feet do, airy time. Course, 
 Aunt Uritty, I knowed I war a Methodis', I never 
 forgot it, even f er a minute, but I reckon it war only 
 my haid that knowed it, kase jes' as soon as I yeerd 
 
 " Every time I comes to town, 
 The boys start kickin' my dawg aroun', 
 Makes no difFrunce ef he is a houn/ 
 They gotta quit kickin' my dawg around 
 
A MOUNTAIN PHCEBE 41 
 
 " Balance to yer partners and a do-see-do, 
 Grab a gal and swing her clean off the nV, 
 Ladies to the right an' swing or cheat, 
 Grab yer gal and waltz her to her seat ! " 
 
 Oh, maw, my feet done plum fergot that they 
 was Methodis' feet, and started a-hitchin' this-away 
 and that-away (shuffles), the music kep' a-goin' and 
 my feet got a-jumpin', so, and so (steps right and 
 left), steppin' this way and steppin' that — 'twell 
 finally I couldn't hold out no longer, so I yelled 
 out " Glory ! " and grabbed Iry Tolliver and swung 
 him clean offa his foots. No, it waren't his fault 
 at all. 'Twar mine. He didn't lead me, kase I led 
 him! And I'm willin' to take the blame, even ef 
 I have to stand up 'fore all the brethren and sistern 
 and be churched fo' it. 
 
 That tune jest naturally burn me up. Old Bow- 
 leg Bosworth was a-callin' off the figgers, Do-see-do, 
 and Eight Hands Round and Promenade All; and 
 big Marthy Matlock a-dancin' down the center, 
 weighin' purt' nigh three hundred pounds, and nary 
 a shoe ner stockin' to her foots, and Iry a-swingin' 
 me like he's done possessed, and the barn all bright 
 with lanterns and candles, and the smell of the 
 sweet new-mown hay, and the chunin' of the fiddles, 
 and the old folkses a-pattin' their hands, and hol- 
 lerin' and eggin' us on (dances), Forward Fours 
 and Ladies' Chain! Human nature jes' couldn't 
 stand things like that and not dance! Harken, 
 
42 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 cain't you-uns jest hear them fiddles and old Bow- 
 leg Bosworth? {Calls in time to music.) 
 
 Ladies to the center and gents circle 'roun', 
 Back to yer places, now swing 'em off the groun', 
 Gran' Right an' Lef ', go t'other way, 
 We're a-gwine to dance till the break of day ! 
 
 Oh, maw, you're a-dancin' your own self, and 
 lookit old Aunt Uritty's foots a-keepin' time. Oh, 
 goody, goody, now you cain't blame me, you-uns 
 is all excited jes' yearin' me tell it, and that's how- 
 come me to lose my haid when I yeerd the music, 
 and callin' the figgers, and hands a-clappin' and 
 everything. Shucks, even the preacher hisself 
 would 'a' danced. {Music ceases.) 
 
 Oh, somebody's comin'. There's a man outside. 
 He's done hitched out thar in our dooryard. Lemme 
 see who 'tis. {Peers out, gives sudden gasp of 
 fright.) Oh! It's him. Lemme hide, lemme hide. 
 He's after me. It's Brother Bascomb, the preacher. 
 Oh, mommy, you go and let him in and tell him I 
 ain't yere. Please ! That ain't lyin' much. Lemme 
 hide. It's too late. He's yere. {Smiles sweetly.) 
 Oh, mornin', Brother Bascomb, how you come on 
 this mornm' ? 
 
 Yessir, I'm jes' dressed up a little. I'm tryin' on 
 my new Sunday gown. Ain't nothin' wrong in that, 
 is there? {Pauses.) What? You want to see me 
 alone? {Pathetically.) Honest, preacher, I ain't 
 
A MOUNTAIN PHCEBE 43 
 
 done nothin\ Please don't pester me this mornm', 
 kase I don't feel good nohow. Aunt Uritty, whar 
 you-uns goin'? (Pauses.) To pick cotton? 
 Brother Bascomb, I reckon if you'll excuse me, I'll 
 go and pick cotton with 'em. We-uns has got right 
 powerful heap o' work to do to-day. (Pauses, looks 
 at him in a frightened manner.) Oh, you wants to 
 talk to me. Is it serious ? I done told you I hain't 
 done nothin'. (Slight pause.) Well, nothin' much, 
 nohow. (Pause.) Kin you set down? Yessir, I 
 reckon you kin. 
 
 Laws, Brother Bascomb, you got a hold a my 
 hand. Please, sir, it waren't much. Don' look 
 at me thataway. I 'clare I'll confess. (Pause.) 
 What? You've larned to love me? You? Oh, 
 Brother Bascomb, get up off'n your knees. You'll 
 get your nice store pants all dirty. No, sir. Please, 
 I ain't aimin' to git married right away. No, I 
 don't want to hurt you none. I like you right 
 tender, Brother Bascomb, but I cain't promise 
 nothin'. (Pauses.) No, sir, I ain't fitten to be no 
 preacher's wife. I ain't fittin, I ain't fittin! 
 I'm a sinner and a backslider ! (Pauses.) Yessir, 
 I done backslid las' night. I danced ! 
 
 No, sir, I couldn't help it. (Pauses.) Well, 
 mebbe it was. Anyhow, he didn't have no pitch- 
 fork, ner nothin', all he had war a fiddle. I am a 
 Methodis', honest I am, all 'cept my foots. 
 (Pauses.) You'll forgive me and won't turn me 
 out the church? Oh, Mr. Bascomb, I'll get right 
 
44 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 up in meetin' come a Sunday and confess my sins. 
 (Pauses.) But I cain't marry you. No, sir, I cain't 
 do it nohow. I jest naturally cain't. (Pauses.) 
 How-come I cain't? Well, it's chiefly 'cause I'm 
 promised to Iry Tolliver. Yessir, and I reckon Iry 
 would object right smart. I done been promised to 
 Iry nigh onto two months now. (Pauses.) Yessir, 
 I'm sorry. But I don't reckon I war ever cut out 
 fer a preacher nohow. Iry ain't nothin' but a 
 plain hill-billy, Brother Bascomb, but I love him and 
 he loves me. (Pauses.) Oh, thank you. You 
 wish us well. You'll marry us fer nothin' ! Laws, 
 you make me jest grovel down in the dust with 
 shame, after what I did las' night. You're a noble 
 man, Brother Bascomb, and I never was good 
 enough fer you nohow. I'll walk out as fur as the 
 Spring with you, and no matter what happens I'll 
 always be your best friend and well-wisher, but I 
 never was cut out for a preacher's wife, nohow, 
 kase no matter how much I want to, it jest seems 
 like I never could make my foots behave when they 
 hears a fiddle. They ain't Methodis' foots nohow. 
 (Exit.) 
 
HER FIRST CLUE-MEETING 
 
 (Note: Use a sweet girlish voice throughout the 
 monologue.) 
 
 Girls, girls, not so much noise, please. We can't 
 hear ourselves think. It's time to begin the meet- 
 ing. (Stands by table.) We are all here. (Raps 
 with gavel on table.) Ladies, a little attention, 
 please. (Raps louder.) Ladies! Please don't all 
 talk at once. Listen to me. Margaret! I'm call- 
 ing the meeting to order. Listen ! Kittie Chester, 
 keep still! Really, you know, I don't like to act 
 mean in my own house, but we have come together 
 for a serious purpose, serious, mind you! and you 
 all are just as rude as if you merely came to tea. 
 No, not all ! Just some of you, I mean. Ethel, sit 
 down, please ! (Raps with gavel.) Come to order. 
 
 Now let me see — (consults notes). We have a 
 great work before us, the emancipation of woman 
 and the subjugation of man. Of course, some of 
 us have already subjugated man — I've subjugated 
 one, at least, — but I refer to the sex as a whole. 
 We are banded together, ladies, for a serious pur- 
 pose. Our purpose is to bring the men closer to 
 the women. You needn't laugh, Celia Faxon, you 
 
 45 
 
46 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 know I didn't mean what you mean. Let me see 
 now. What do we do next? 
 
 What did you say, Ethel? Select officers? Oh, 
 of course. Won't you be the president, Mrs. Dean ? 
 (Pauses.) Oh, the president must be selected by 
 the club as a whole. Of course. How stupid of 
 me. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Dean, I thought it 
 was just like in the army and went by age. 
 (Pauses.) No, of course you aren't a Methusalem, 
 dear Mrs. Dean. Certainly not. I didn't mean it 
 that way at all. Kittie, please let us have a little 
 order in the rear of the room. Did you want to 
 say something? Oh, giving Madge your recipe for 
 clam chowder? Do you use garlic? You don't? 
 Now, I think a touch of garlic gives it a soupgon 
 (soupgon means a suspicion in French) of foreign 
 flavor that is irresistible. Clarence always says my 
 
 clam chowder is Oh, what's that, Ethel? 
 
 (Hastily.) Yes, yes of course. I forgot all about 
 the election of officers. 
 
 Certainly we'll all vote, and then the one who 
 gets the most votes is the president. It's so thrill- 
 ing. I think you'd make us a lovely president, Mrs. 
 Oldham, you have so much executive ability and you 
 play a wonderful hand of bridge. Let's all vote for 
 Mrs. Oldham. Mrs. Oldham, you're nominated. 
 
 Who nominated her? Why, I did. That's ac- 
 cording to Hoyle, isn't it? Now does any one 
 second the nomination ? I believe that's the proper 
 proceeding. (Pauses.) Well, some one should get 
 
HER FIRST CLUB-MEETlttG tf 
 
 tip and say : " I second Mrs. Oldham's nomination." 
 (Pauses, smiles sweetly.) I am waiting. (Pauses; 
 frowns severely. ) Well, really ! Barbara, you sec- 
 ond the nomination, don't you? (In undertone to 
 L.) Barbara Sylvester, if you don't second me, 
 I'll never speak to you again! (Pauses, then 
 smiles.) Thank you. Mrs. Oldham, you're sec- 
 onded. (Always turn to r. when speaking to Mrs. 
 Oldham.) Now, I move that Mrs. Oldham be 
 made president unanimously. (Slight pause, then 
 speaks to Barbara on l.) Barbara, you must sec- 
 ond that, too. That's right. Now it's all settled. 
 See how easy it is. 
 
 Nan, did you want anything? (Nan is at c, 
 about half-way back.) Oh, you want to propose 
 Katherine Howells for president. I don't think 
 that's exactly according to parliamentary rules as 
 laid down by Hoyle and Work. You see, dear, I've 
 already nominated Mrs. Oldham and Barbara sec- 
 onded the motion. Didn't you, Barbara? So, that 
 makes you out of order, Nan. Anyhow, you're not 
 seconded. (Pauses.) Oh, Ethel seconded you? 
 Ethel, did you second her? You did? Well, I 
 don't think it's according to Hoyle, because — (hesi- 
 tates) because there is a motion already before the 
 house. If you wanted Katherine Howells for presi- 
 dent, you should have said so before I nominated 
 Mrs. Oldham. Am I not right, Mrs. Oldham? 
 (Pauses, then looks toward Nan again.) You see, 
 dear, she says I'm perfectly right. You insist on 
 
48 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 a vote. Why, Nan Comstock! You mustn't be 
 rude, dear. You're out of order. Strictly out of 
 order. Oh, yes you are, quite. Isn't she, Mrs. 
 Oldham? (Looks at Nan again.) Sit down, 
 that's a dear. 
 
 Now we will proceed {Impatiently to Nan.) 
 
 Nan, whatever are you standing up for? What is 
 it? Why, certainly, you have a right to be heard. 
 Aren't we all sisters working in a common cause? 
 What is it, dear? Oh, you still want to put Kath- 
 erine Howells up for president. Well, I must say ! 
 What's that ? An amendment ? Oh, she's an amend- 
 ment. I see, that's perfectly logical, isn't it ? Mrs. 
 Oldham is to be president and Katherine is to be the 
 amendment. It all goes to show how businesslike 
 women can be. 
 
 Now, Mrs. Morton has the floor. (Mrs. Morton 
 is down in front at r.) What did you move, Mrs. 
 Morton? (Pauses.) Oh, you move that we pro- 
 ceed to vote. That's just what I was going to pro- 
 pose. Ladies, you have all heard Mrs. Motion's 
 morton. I beg pardon, I mean Mrs. Morton's mo- 
 tion, that we proceed to vote. I second her morton 
 myself. I mean motion. Are you ready for the 
 question? (Pauses, then impatiently.) Now, what 
 is it, Nan? What is the motion? Why, that we 
 proceed to vote, of course. Now all who are in 
 favor of Mrs. Motion's morton say aye. (Pauses.) 
 The ayes have it. And that means that you are 
 elected, Mrs. Oldham. You are our president. 
 
HER FIRST CLUB-MEETING 49 
 
 Nan, do you want to speak again ? For gracious* 
 sakes! Very well, dear, state your motion. Oh, 
 it's an amendment. Well, that makes no difference, 
 you've got to state it just the same. (Pauses, then 
 shows indignation.) What? You move to amend 
 that Katherine Howells be elected president. Oh, 
 very well, I'll put your amendment, though I know 
 it is contrary to all the rulings of Hoyle and 
 every other authority. All in favor of Nan's 
 amendment say aye. (Pauses.) Why, that's 
 unanimous, too. That means that you have elected 
 Katherine to be your president. (Rattled.) And 
 how can that be when you have already elected 
 Mrs. Oldham? (Raps with gavel) Order, ladies, 
 please, please! Nan, you will greatly oblige me by 
 taking your seat. How can I preside when you 
 are bobbing up every minute with motions and 
 amendments and everything? Why, I can't get a 
 word in edgeways. Now, ladies, let us look at this 
 thing logically. You have elected two presidents, 
 and I'm sure Hoyle doesn't permit any such pro- 
 ceeding. Mrs. Oldham was elected unanimously 
 and Katherine Howells was elected unanimously. 
 Now, let me see ! ( Thinks. ) It's very perplexing. 
 
 (Impatiently.) Nan, do you want to speak 
 again? That makes five times. (Pauses, then 
 smiles sweetly at Nan.) Oh, you are going to 
 leave the whole decision to me. That's just like 
 King Solomon, you know, in Shakespeare, who 
 had to decide who was the baby of the mother. I 
 
50 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 hardly know what to do. Surely you cannot ex- 
 pect me to decide between my guests. I have it. 
 I'll leave the decision to the candidates themselves. 
 Now, Mrs. Oldham, I put the whole question up to 
 you and Katherine. Which one wants to decline 
 the office? (Pauses.) Which one wishes to force 
 herself against the wishes of the other? (Pauses.) 
 Don't either of you? You are both my very dear 
 personal friends. You see how embarrassing this 
 is for me. Ladies, I don't know what to do. I 
 have offered the position to each of them and neither 
 one seems willing to accept the honor. 
 
 Isn't it weird? First we had two presidents 
 and now we haven't any at all. It's very puzzling. 
 (Pauses slightly, then smiles.) Ah, I have it. 
 Why, of course, why didn't I think of that in the 
 first place? I will accept the office myself. I will 
 be the president for the ensuing year, and I do now 
 so declare myself. Ladies, come to order ! 
 
 1 
 
THE LILY OF FRANCE 
 
 (Miss Alice Ramona Jones of Des Moines, Iowa, was 
 awarded first place in the Seven States Oratorical 
 Contest with this monologue at St. Louis, Mo., 
 December 27, 1918.) 
 
 Dong — dong — dong — dong ! (Bell tones, slow 
 A requiem and a prayer, and sad.) 
 
 Toll— sadly toll, 
 Ye bells of Rouen Square. 
 
 A dungeon cell all cold and dark and damp, 
 And I, Joan of Arc, am bound in chains, 
 I, Joan the Maid, the Lily Maid of France, 
 Who led a mighty army into Rheims, 
 All clad in silver mail from heel to head, 
 With oriflammes and banners painted fair 
 With lilies and the rising of our Lord. 
 My Golgotha is here, I drink the cup, 
 The bitter cup of woe, the crown of thorns 
 Is heavy on my head — it is the end ! 
 
 Why am I bound in chains? Chains are for 
 
 slaves. 
 Why do they shout without? Hark, hear that 
 
 voice ! 
 
 Si 
 
52 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 " Come forth, come forth, thou devil's spawn, and 
 
 burn!" 
 What have I done that they should hate me so ? 
 And see yon stake with chains and hoops of iron, 
 And fagots heaped high in Rouen Square — 
 They'll bind me to that stake and light the fire, 
 The fagots roar and crackle in the wind, 
 And on that flaming pyre I'll meet my God ! 
 They'll burn me at the stake. Oh, I'm afraid, 
 
 afraid ! 
 Even my voices hath deserted me — 
 Saint Michael and Saint Catherine, come to me, 
 Let me but hear thy words, one little word, 
 To help me in my hour of bitter need. 
 There's no reply, now am I cursed indeed. 
 
 Dong — dong — dong — dong! (Bell tones, very 
 
 My hour is here, and then slow, sad, head 
 
 Death — endeth all, bowed in deep. 
 
 World without end, amen! despair.) 
 
 Nay, I'm but dreaming, 'tis the shepherd's bell, 
 
 And I'm the shepherd's daughter, lowly born, 
 
 In Dom Remi, a village of my king. 
 
 I am a child, I keep my father's sheep, 
 
 And here beneath this oak's broad shade I sit, 
 
 My thoughts, all far from earth, are piercing 
 
 Heaven. 
 And see what glorious vision greets mine eyes, 
 
THE LILY OF FRANCE 53 
 
 The scene is cloaked in pearly mist and flame, 
 And there an angel stands all shining bright, 
 An angel with a banner and a sword, 
 I can nor speak nor pray, I'm stupified, 
 His face is like Saint Michael's in the church, 
 I do not dream, he's there beneath the oak. 
 
 He speaks, Saint Michael speaks, "Arise, Joan, 
 Lily of France, arise and leave thy flocks, 
 The Lord appoints thee to a nobler task. 
 Arise and take this banner, draw this sword, 
 Therewith exterminate thy people's foes, 
 Lead forth thy soldiers into Orleans, 
 Conduct to Rheims thy royal master's son, 
 And place the crown of France upon his head, — 
 Arise, Joan of Arc, and save thy France ! " 
 
 Dong — dong — dong — dong ! (Bell tones, 
 Ye bells of France now ring, faster, louder, 
 
 For Joan, the Lily Maid, triumphantly 
 
 Rides forth to crown her king. proud. ) 
 
 And now I bravely face mine enemies, 
 " Bedford and Gloucester, regents of this realm, 
 To Heaven's high king ye are accountable 
 For all the blood that hath been shed. Restore 
 The keys of all the cities thou hast ta'en by force 
 In opposition to God's holy laws ! 
 A maiden cometh from the King of Heaven 
 And offers you or peace or bloody war, 
 Choose ye, for Orleans will not be surrendered — 
 
54 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 I'll lead my king triumphant into Rheims, 
 
 And France will lay submissive at his feet ! 
 
 So I have spoken, Joan the Maid, hath spoken ! " 
 
 The wall is scaled and we are in the camp- 
 Now fling aside the mantle of still night, 
 And your dread presence to the foe proclaim 
 By your loud battle-cry — God and the Flag of 
 
 France ! 
 Who's here ? Prepare to die. Ye beg me mercy ? 
 Name me not woman, speak not of my sex, 
 Like to the bodiless spirits who know naught 
 Of earth's humanities, I own no sex. 
 Beneath this vest of steel there beats no heart. 
 How many mothers of this land your arms 
 Have rendered childless and disconsolate ; 
 How many gentle children fatherless; 
 How many fair young brides dejected widows; 
 How many virgins fouled with cross of shame ? 
 Now, by those starving orphans and those virgins, 
 By all French mothers heart-sick, bent with woe, 
 I come to 'venge the wrongs of womankind — 
 Now shall thy mother learn of me despair, 
 And learn to weep the bitter tear, oft shed 
 By the bereaved and sorrowing wives of France. 
 
 Ring — ring — ring — ring! {Bell tones, 
 Triumphant ring the hours, rapid, joy- 
 Ring — madly ring, ousjoud!) 
 The victory is ours ! 
 
THE LILY OF FRANCE 55 
 
 Who called ye over to this foreign land, 
 
 To waste the blooming culture of our fields, 
 
 To chase the peasant from his household hearth, 
 
 And in our cities' peaceful sanctuary 
 
 To hurl the direful thunderbolt of war ? 
 
 Ye thought to plunge in servitude the French — 
 
 Ye fools ! the flag of France is hung 
 
 Fast by the throne of God. And I, the maid, 
 
 By Heaven appointed, I achieve thy ruin, 
 
 By Heaven appointed, I fulfill my doom. 
 
 Now thine fulfill, arise, resume thy sword, 
 
 And let us fight for the sweet prize of life. 
 
 He slips — he falls — 'tis over — fare thee well. 
 
 The English tents are level with the ground, 
 
 And all the field is covered with their slain. 
 
 To God the victory, France again doth rise, 
 
 A renovated phoenix from its ashes — 
 
 My country's bleeding wounds will heal again, 
 
 The villages, the desolated towns, 
 
 Rise in new splendor from their ruined heaps. 
 
 Ring — ring — ring — ring! (Bell tones 
 
 Now joyous ring and gay, of joy and 
 
 Ring — vive la France ! triumph. ) 
 Victoire ! La France sauvee ! 
 
 Hark to that sound — the war march of my people, 
 And I ride with them clad in silver mail, 
 From head to heel, upon a snow white horse, 
 And we are marching to the trumpet's blare, 
 
56 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Marching triumphant midst a roar of bells, 
 And France is saved, and Charles the King is 
 crowned. 
 
 Dong — dong — again the funeral knell, 
 And I'm alone, afraid, and bound in chains. 
 The trumpet sounds, my king fares forth to war, 
 But I am bound and cannot lead my men. 
 Up, valiant countrymen, victory for France! 
 Death to the foe ! Allons, for I am near, 
 But cannot, as of yore, before you bear 
 My banner, I am ta'en and bound in chains. 
 But freely from this dungeon soars my soul 
 Upon the pinions of your battle song. 
 What do I see, the French, my France, in flight? 
 My army in a rout, they beat us back — 
 My God, Thou wilt not thus abandon me ? 
 Look yonder who that azure mantle wears 
 Bordered with gold! 'Tis he, 'tis Charles the 
 
 King, 
 His horse is restive — plunges — rears and falls — 
 He struggles hard to extricate himself — 
 The foe is pressing on in full career — 
 They near him — reach him — they surround him 
 
 now — 
 Oh, have the Heavens above no angels more ? 
 
 Hear me, O God, in my extremity, 
 
 Up to Thy throne above I send my soul. 
 
THE LILY OF FRANCE $7 
 
 Easy it is in Thine omnipotence 
 To change these fetters into spiders' webs — 
 Command it and these massive chains shall fall, 
 And these thick walls be rent. Thou, Lord, of 
 
 old 
 Did strengthen Samson, O, be with me now, 
 To Thee I cry, out of the depths I cry, 
 
 God, be with me now, my end is nigh. 
 
 Dong — dong — dong — dong ! (A requiem. ) 
 
 My hour is here, and then 
 Death — endeth all, 
 World without end, amen ! 
 
 A year of blackness in a dungeon cell, 
 The slow sharp probings of the Inquisition. 
 Who's there ? I am no witch, kind sir, a maid, 
 I'm but a maid, a peasant child of Dom Remi. 
 What have I done ? Where are you taking me ? 
 The fagots and the stake in Rouen Square, 
 The bishop comes with sanctimonious tread, 
 The people clamor for a maiden's death, 
 Dong— dong — the bells toll requiem ! 
 They'd burn me at the stake — and I'm afraid, 
 afraid ! 
 
 What's that ? Methinks I hear a mystic voice, 
 
 1 stand again beneath the oak and see — 
 
 Saint Michael and Saint Catherine come to me — 
 Again I hear their voices — I am saved. 
 
58 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 What, ho ! ye come to lead me forth to death, 
 Lead on, for France is saved and Charles is King, 
 And who hath wrought this thing but God and 
 
 Joan? 
 To Him the glory and His will be done ! 
 Lead on, I -come, the bonfire in the square 
 Is naught to me, my voices with me stay, 
 Vive la France! Victoire! La France sauveel 
 
 NOTES 
 
 1. The rhymed portions of this monologue are 
 
 supposed to imitate the bells tolling for Joan's 
 execution. 
 
 2. If scenery is available use a boxed prison set 
 
 with Joan seated on a stool beside a pallet of 
 straw. Several impersonators have used a 
 large three-ply screen covered with paper 
 painted to represent stone walls. A powerful 
 spot light shines on Joan, and the rest of the 
 stage is in darkness. 
 
 3. Joan may wear a loose flowing white robe 
 
 with her hair hanging and her wrists bound 
 with hanging chains. Maybelle Morrison of 
 Chicago, Illinois, costumes the role with dark 
 skirt, ankle length, white waist and dark 
 bodice roughly laced. 
 
 
THE LILY OF FRANCE 59 
 
 Music. Use " Dead March from Saul " for 
 first part of the monologue, ending music on 
 lines, " Nay, I'm but dreaming." 
 
 Use " Marseillaise " beginning on line " The 
 English tents are level with the ground " and 
 continuing until " Dong — dong, again the 
 funeral knell." 
 
 For the last two stanzas play soft, sad 
 music. 
 
MOTHER GOOSE AND HER 
 SON JOHN 
 
 A Valentine Story for the Kiddies 
 
 (Mother Goose is hidden from the audience as she 
 speaks the first part of the monologue. ) 
 
 Quiet, children, quiet, 
 
 A visitor is coming ; 
 She rides her goose 
 Right through the air — 
 
 Humming, humming, humming! 
 
 Goosie, goosie, gander, 
 Whither shall we wander? 
 Up the stairs and down the stairs, 
 And right here in this chamber. 
 
 Whoa, there, gander! 
 Whoa, there, goose ! 
 Don't begin to make a fuss, 
 It isn't any use. 
 Hitch 'em to the chimney-top, 
 Then they won't get loose — 
 Whoa, there, gander! 
 Whoa, there, goose ! 
 61 
 
62 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 (Mother Goose enters carrying several valen- 
 tines and a large toy goose.) 
 Good-evening to you, little boys, 
 
 Good-evening, little girls, 
 Good-evening, eyes and nose and mouth, 
 And pompadour and curls. 
 
 Boys and girls, come on and play, 
 
 Now we'll have a holiday. 
 
 To introduce me is no use, 
 
 Of course you know I'm Mother Goose. 
 
 I live in the town at the top of the hill, 
 Beside the big river, across from the mill ; 
 And who do you think are my neighbors ? 
 
 Why, Old King Cole, the merry old soul, 
 And Jack and Jill who fell down the hill, 
 Little Miss MufTet who sat on a turret, 
 
 Though a tuffet I never did see, 
 And old Mother Hubbard who went to the cup- 
 board, 
 
 She lives right across from me. 
 
 Then there's little Bo Peep who lost her sheep, 
 And thin Jack Spratt who wouldn't eat fat, 
 And Humpty Dumpty who sat on the wall, 
 And Jack-be-nimble who saw him fall, 
 And Doctor Foster who gave him a pill, 
 He lives in a house at the foot of the hill. 
 
MOTHER GOOSE AND HER SON JOHN 63 
 
 So you can see how happy we be, 
 With the Three Wise Men who went to sea. 
 Of course there are many, many more, 
 Well known to you, over a score, 
 
 A score, my dears, means twenty. 
 There's the Maid in the Garden who hanged 
 
 out the clothes, 
 And the saucy snip Blackbird who nipped off 
 her nose, 
 
 I've neighbors and neighbors a-plenty. 
 
 (Sits at front of platform.) 
 
 I am just a little tired, 
 I've been riding through the air, 
 So I think I'll rest a while 
 On this little wooden chair. 
 
 And this is my gander 
 His name it is Mack, 
 See, he's bowing his head, 
 And saying Quack, quack! 
 
 
 For old Mother Goose, 
 When she wants to wander, 
 Just rides through the air 
 On the back of this gander. 
 
 
64 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 His first name is Mack, 
 And his last name is Green, 
 And he speeds through the air 
 Like a flying-machine. 
 
 Now, Mack, you sit here, 
 Turn your toes out and grin ; 
 No one but a pigeon 
 Ever turns his toes in! 
 
 Now, children, I'm sure if you'll listen a while, 
 I'll tell you a tale, it may make you smile, 
 It's a tale about dumpling, my son John, 
 Who went to bed with his stockings on. 
 But for all of that he's a smart looking lad, 
 And he's not very good and not very bad. 
 
 Now Johnny was out in the schoolyard one day, 
 The lessons were over, 'twas time for play. 
 I'm jolly myself, and think playtime a joy, 
 All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. 
 John liked all his playmates, the big and the 
 
 small, 
 But John liked Bo Peep the bestest of all ! 
 
 {Extend left forefinger, " sharpen " it with right 
 forefinger, as if shaming John. Sing to the 
 tune of " The Farmer in the Dell.") 
 
 Johnny's got a girl, 
 Johnny's got a girl, 
 Hi-ho, the dairy, oh, 
 Johnny's got a girl! 
 
MOTHER GOOSE AND HER SON JOHN 65 
 
 Along came Tom Tucker, so bonny and gay, 
 And he said, " To-morrow's St. Valentine's Day ! 
 Then each girl said Ah ! and each boy said Oh ! 
 For they wondered who would get one, you know. 
 For every one loves a nice valentine, 
 With cupids and arrows and red hearts so fine. 
 
 Jack-be-nimble Jack-be-quick 
 
 For a valentine traded his candlestick ; 
 
 Humpty Dumpty bought a big red heart 
 
 For Little Miss Muffet who gave quite a start. 
 
 And Little Boy Blue and each of the rest 
 
 Had a fine lacey valentine under his vest. 
 
 (Read from a real valentine.) 
 
 The rose is red, 
 The violet blue, 
 Sugar is sweet 
 And so are you. 
 If to me 
 
 Your thoughts incline, 
 Let me be 
 Your valentine. 
 
 Jack Spratt, King Cole and the fiddlers three, 
 Each bought a valentine, as fine as could be ; 
 And even Peter, the Pumpkin Eater, 
 Thought of his wife, and said he'd treat her — 
 And my son John, he felt immense, 
 For in his pocket was fifteen cents ! 
 
66 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 He went to the store where they keep valentines, 
 And candy and catch'ems for little boys' dimes, 
 And outside the window he flattened his nose — 
 Would he get that pink silk one, or the one with 
 
 a rose, 
 Or the white one all tied with a true lover's knot, 
 Or the blue satin scroll saying Forget-me-not ! 
 
 When this you see remember me, 
 Though far away I am from thee. 
 I sign my name with many a blot, 
 But, dearest maid, forget me not ! 
 
 And just as he was thinking of the little rhymes 
 
 he wrote, 
 Along came Tommy Green with something 'neath 
 
 his coat — 
 Guess what? A pig? a rooster? No, not at all 
 
 like that, 
 It was the dearest, sweetest, cutest, little pussy cat. 
 And Tommy Green, the naughty boy, would throw 
 
 her in the well, 
 So every bell throughout the town would Ding! 
 
 Dong! Dell! 
 
 Ding, dong, dell ! 
 Pussy's in the well. 
 Who put her in? 
 Little Tommy Green. 
 
MOTHER GOOSE AND HER SON JOHN 6/ 
 
 What a naughty boy was that 
 
 To try and drown poor pussy cat, 
 
 Who never did him any harm, 
 
 But caught the mice in grandpa's barn. 
 
 My boy John then said it was a shame 
 
 To drown poor pussy, so gentle and so tame, 
 
 He said, " Give her to me and I will treat her nice, 
 
 And take her home and let her catch a dozen little 
 
 mice." 
 But Tommy Green just laughed at him and on his 
 
 way he went, 
 But Boy John bought that pussy cat, it cost him 
 
 every cent. 
 
 Alas, alack, 
 
 Now your money's gone, 
 Whafre you going to do now, 
 My boy John ? 
 
 Then John came running to me, on his cheek there 
 
 was a tear, 
 I can't give any valentine to my Bo Peep this year, 
 She'll think that I am stingy, she won't like me 
 
 any more, 
 She'll think that I bought candy at the Piggly 
 
 Wiggly store." 
 Then I put my arms around him and I told him 
 
 'twould be fine, 
 If he'd give her the kitty as a living valentine. 
 
68 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Hey, deedle dibbin, 
 
 A cat and a ribbon 
 Makes some one a sweet valentine, 
 
 The little dog laughed 
 
 To see such sport, 
 But Bo Peep said it was fine. 
 
 The sun rose up early on Valentine's Day, 
 
 The girls were all giggling, the boys were all gay, 
 
 Each heart was made happy, and no one got mad — 
 
 Even Cross Patch and Contrary Ma$y were glad ; 
 
 And little Bo Peep got her kitten so fine, 
 
 And every one said, " 'Twas the best valentine ! " 
 
 My story is done, 
 And I'm done, too — 
 If you didn't like it, 
 I'm sorry for you. 
 
 My goose is asleep, 
 Come, wake up, old Mack, 
 Say good-bye to the children — 
 Quack, quack, quack! 
 
 And now we must fly 
 
 Ere the break of the day, 
 
 Over the hills 
 
 And far away. 
 
 I'll jump on his back, 
 
 And I'll hold on so tight ; 
 
 So, good-night, children, 
 
 Good-night, good-night! {She goes out.) 
 
MOTHER GOOSE AND HER SON JOHN 69 
 
 NOTES 
 
 This monologue may serve as a good medium for 
 a shadow pantomime play, or for a Mother Goose 
 party or pageant. It has been successfully given by 
 primary teachers for their schools and is very 
 popular with " Story Hour " entertainers. 
 
 Mother Goose wears a red quilted skirt, ankle 
 length, pointed waist and panniers of flowered mate- 
 rial, the panniers puffed out with paper, a white 
 lace kerchief crossed on breast, low black shoes with 
 tinfoil-covered buckles, a large white ruffled mob- 
 cap surmounted by a tall conical Welsh hat made 
 of black paper. Wrinkle the face with grease- 
 paint or a very soft lead pencil, darken the eye- 
 brows with same and wear large, old-fashioned 
 spectacles. 
 
 If desired, paper caps may be given the children 
 for souvenirs and they may each assume a Mother 
 Goose character and repeat the appropriate rhymes. 
 

ANTIGONE 
 
 (Antigone, a Grecian maiden, is discovered seated 
 on an antique stool, her hands clasped, her atti- 
 tude indicating deepest woe. ) 
 
 Alas, he's dead, my brother Polynices ! 
 
 And I shall never hear his voice again, 
 
 Nor look into his eyes, nor hear his kindly words — 
 
 Here let me mourn and fast for seven days, 
 
 Alone with naught save memories of my dead. 
 
 Who's there? Who dares intrude upon my 
 
 privacy? (Starts up.) 
 A message from the king? Come, I'll attend. 
 What says the cruel king who slew my brother ? 
 Your message, quick! Then go and leave me 
 
 with my grief. 
 
 
 (The words in quotation marks are to be read 
 from an imaginary scroll.) 
 
 The royal proclamation hath gone forth 
 That Polynices, of the royal blood 
 
 My brother, he that now lies cold in death — 
 Shall lie unburied, rotting in the sun, 
 Food for the carrion birds, the evil beasts ! " 
 7* 
 
72 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 bitter words ! O cruelty unheard of ! 
 "And whosoever breaketh this decree 
 
 And pays the last sad honors to the dead 
 
 Shall suffer death by stoning ! " 
 
 Get thee gone, 
 
 And tell the king Antigone hath heard. 
 
 Will I obey? 
 
 1 waste no words with thee ! Begone ! 
 
 A royal proclamation 'tis indeed, 
 
 And well it speaks its author cruel Creon. 
 
 My cup of woe already brimful stood 
 
 At Polynices' murder. Ah, my brother, 
 
 I seem to see thee yet, stalwart and brave, 
 
 My shield and prop in every girlish trouble, 
 
 Companion, teacher, best of friends, and — brother! 
 
 'Tis over — he is dead — and Creon's word 
 
 Forbids the decent rites of burial ! 
 
 My cup of woe o'erflows. 
 
 By all the gods, 
 
 I'll fling defiance in this Creon's teeth ! 
 
 Antigone, the maiden royally born, 
 
 Will risk the king's displeasure, risk her life — 
 
 And go to give her brother burial. I'll go alone. 
 
 At first I went by night all silently, 
 
 Stilled was my heart, I dared not voice my 
 
 grief- 
 Alone, in dead of night, I carried dust, 
 
ANTIGONE 73 
 
 Water and ashes and covered my dear dead. 
 Alone I kept the vigil, carrion beast and bird 
 Dared not approach — thus I defied the king. 
 
 But in the day the soldiers came again 
 And I was frightened and I went away 
 And hid among the shambles of the agora. 
 But when I saw them jeer and mock the gods, 
 And scatter all the dust from my dear dead, 
 Exposing him to noon-tide's piercing rays, 
 My temper broke, I called on Zeus for aid, 
 And as a tiger-mother, robbed of whelps, 
 I stood and faced them all, soldiers and slaves, 
 And once again performed the funeral rites, 
 And broke the law and set thy word at naught ! 
 
 Aye, well I knew thy mandate had gone forth, 
 But no such laws were ever made by Zeus — 
 The gods have issued holier laws than thine, 
 And this is one, Honor then thy dead 
 With decent burial. I have obeyed. 
 You prate to me of laws, of man-made laws, 
 I answer with the mandates of the gods. 
 Should I, for fear of thee, dare disobey 
 The gods who are not of to-day nor yet 
 Of yesterday ? Forever do they live, 
 Forever and forever till the end. 
 
 That I should die I knew. Why not ? 
 All men must die, I'll go with smiling face, 
 
74 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 And if I die before my time, what loss ? 
 My life is one long sorrow, let me go 
 And join my dead. I count it gain to die. 
 Creon, bring on thy stones and slay me here ! 
 'Twere no great loss, my heart is broken in 
 
 twain — 
 But had I left my mother's son unburied, 
 Ah, that were loss indeed ! 
 
 Now do your worst, for here I do defy thee, 
 Crafty and cruel Creon, hear my words — 
 Know then that all the city mourneth with me, 
 And if I die, beware my city's vengeance. 
 For every man within the city's gates 
 Will lift his voice on high against thy crime — 
 The very gods will hear my people's cry, 
 And Zeus let fly his thunderbolts of rage ! 
 Beware, beware, O king, the wrath o' the gods ! 
 What have I done ? Buried my brother's corse. 
 If that be crime, then I am criminal, 
 If that be crime, Antigone will die. 
 
 You do commute my sentence? Thou hast 
 
 spoken — 
 You'd shut me up within some lonely sepulchre, 
 A living maiden 'prisoned with the dead ? 
 Perchance you'd give me food a little while 
 Thinking to expiate your guilt, you'd give me food, 
 And try to shield yourself from your black crime. 
 
ANTIGONE 75 
 
 Not so, O king, hark to my parting words, 
 
 The voice of prophecy now rises to my lips — 
 
 This day shall pass, another and another, 
 
 Then thou shalt pay and expiate thy guilt. 
 
 And thou'lt pay dearly, even life for life, 
 
 For on that day thine only son shall die. 
 
 Ah, now you shake with fear, your cheeks grow 
 
 white ! 
 Thou keepest cruelty within thy heart 
 Refusing decent burial to my dead ! 
 Thou keepest vengeance, too, within thy heart, 
 And drag me forth to starve within a tomb — 
 
 Therefore the Furies lie in wait for thee, 
 And from thine house will come the bitter cry 
 Of desolation when thy son lies dead ! 
 And in thy city thunderbolts of war, 
 This is my curse, by all the gods, 
 Your crime shall strike you blind and dumb with 
 grief ! 
 
 Yes, bid thy soldiers drag me to the tomb, 
 Take me away, but thy stern heart shall break, 
 Even as mine hath broken, and thy head, 
 E'en though it wear a crown, be bowed in dust ! 
 The citizens shall rise within thy gates 
 While thou art mourning for thine only son, 
 And fling thee from thy high estate ! Away, 
 Take me away, Antigone hath spoken ! 
 
THE COWARD 
 
 A Musical Encore 
 
 Bill Dawson was a coward. In boyhood days 
 He never joined the kids in their rough plays; 
 The boys all called him sissy and the girls 
 Said he should wear a pinafore and curls. 
 A Texas norther made him shake with fright, 
 A clap of thunder scared him half the night. 
 
 A circus came to Galveston one day 
 And all us country kids rode in, so gay — 
 It was the finest sight we'd ever seen. 
 Bill Dawson saw a lion and turned green, 
 It made him sick, he couldn't see the show, 
 But ran and hid — he was a coward, you know. 
 
 The years passed on, he married Lizzie Drake. 
 
 He nearly had a fit one day, a snake 
 
 Came in his yard, poor Bill had quite a shock, 
 
 But Lizzie up and killed it with a rock. 
 
 He sorter ambled on through life, you know. 
 
 Bill was a coward, and couldn't make things go. 
 
 But there are times when danger comes so near 
 
 That cowards turn heroes in the face of fear; 
 
 77 
 
78 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 And when that awful flood rushed on the town, 
 And brave men trembled to see children drown, 
 Babes fled from mothers, husbands from their 
 
 wives, 
 Forgetting flesh and blood, fled for their lives ! 
 
 But Bill the Coward looked on the awful scene, 
 Trembling and pale, his face an ashen green, — 
 He saw the tumbling waters rushing down — 
 He saw the ruined wreckage of the town — 
 Did he desert his family, wife and kid 
 And leave them there to die ? You bet he did ! 
 
 NOTES 
 
 Play a light pretty air, or chords, for the first 
 three stanzas. For the last two stanzas play 
 " hurry " music with bass chords and treble runs, 
 working up to the climactic " And leave them there 
 to die?" — which should be rendered loud and 
 strong. 
 
 The last four words are given without music, 
 facing the audience directly and speaking clear and 
 loud. 
 
THE HUMAN TONIC 
 
 (Grandma Grout, an old country lady, speaks in a 
 high-pitched, mournful voice.) 
 
 Wall, Amaretty, how are ye? I heard you was 
 sick but I never dreampt that you'd look as bad as 
 you do. I jest thought you was a-ailin' like the 
 rest of us. I hadn't no idee you was so bad. 
 Lawsy, lawsy, ain't it a good thing I dropped in? 
 Kin you hold yer head up at all ? Who's doctorin' 
 you? 
 
 The young doctor? Why, Amaretty Quacken- 
 biler, I ain't surprised at you bein' so low. I 
 wouldn't have no doctor at all, 'less'n I could git 
 old Doc Summers. Oh, of course there's them that 
 don't like him, but if they want to go ahead and 
 take chances, well they can't say I didn't give 'em 
 fair warnin'. I ain't feelin' right peert myself. 
 Medicine don't seem to git a grip on me no more. 
 I've tried every patent medicine Hiram Codliver's 
 got in his store, and yet I keep right on a-ailin'. 
 Sometimes I mix two er three together, but even 
 that don't seem to grip me. 
 
 My one stand-by is Migginses Stomach Balm. 
 I got it off'n a peddler man who came round last 
 
 79 
 
8o COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 winter, and it'll cure every mortal ailment in the 
 human cistern. It's powerful fer fits. Of course 
 I ain't never had no fits, but then there's no tellin' 
 how soon I might git 'em. I brung you over a 
 bottle and I'll gladly give you a dose right now if 
 you feel the least way fitty. 
 
 No, I know you ain't got the fits. Of course not. 
 But this Migginses Stomach Balm'll jest cure any- 
 thing. Fer your innards er fer rubbin' on outside 
 I never seen nothin' like it. It sure is powerful. 
 It jest seems to git a good grip on you inside and 
 you feel it clean down to your toes. The circular 
 says it's good fer hosses and poultry, too. And it 
 makes a lovely furniture polish, I know. And any- 
 thing that'll put sich a nice gloss on furniture ought 
 to gloss you all up inside jest lovely. 
 
 Must be a good medicine, too, fer the dose ain't 
 but three drops. I give about two teaspoonsful to 
 a hawg that was ailin', but I couldn't save her. She 
 was dead in less'n three minutes. Mebbe I give 
 her too much. But I got right smart left. It's to 
 be took afore eatin' and after eatin', and afore 
 sleepin' and after sleepin', and oncet in a while in 
 between times. Now if you wanter try some you're 
 heartily welcome. You dunno what it might cure 
 you of, er keep you from havin'. 
 
 You don't reckon you want to try it? Wall, 
 every one to their own taste as the widder said when 
 she kissed the cow. But, Amaretty, I'm tellin' you, 
 and I'm tellin' you truthful, it's a good grippy medi- 
 
THE HUMAN TONIC 8 1 
 
 cine. When I take medicine I want to know that 
 Fve took sump'm. This here mouthful of water 
 and a pinch o' sugar ain't goin' to cure nobody. 
 You might jist as well try absent treatment. I 
 want sump'm that I kin feel shootin' right through 
 me the minnit I swaller. 
 
 My, my, you look awful yaller in the face. 
 Joshuway's sister looked jest like that a few days 
 afore she crossed over Jerden. But you might pull 
 through yit. I seen a all-over black rooster on my 
 way down here, though, and every one knows that's 
 a sure sign of death. But I don't want to discourage 
 you. I jest want to cheer you up a little. Folks 
 all says I'm sich a good cheerer-up. " Better'n a 
 tonic," says Joshuway, " Grandma Grout, you're 
 better'n a tonic any day fer cheerin' up the down- 
 cast and sad-hearted." 
 
 Wigginses folks is entertainin' the measels this 
 week and the blacksmith's wife is purty low. Physic 
 don't seem to take no holt on her. No holt at all. 
 Blacksmith 'lows if she lives till the change of the 
 moon she might git well, but ef not, he ain't got 
 much hope of her ever bein' any better. She's got 
 two buckles of the lungs. They orter try slippery 
 ellum peeled in the dark of the moon, but they 
 won't listen to me. 
 
 This is a sad and sorrerful world, Amaretty, and 
 plum chuck full of misery and sin, not to mention 
 the ailments and miseries that all flesh is hair to. 
 They got the chicken-pox over to Sandy Holler and 
 
82 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Doshy Doolittle's twins is both down with the 
 ganders. Did you ever stop to think of it, Amaretty, 
 folks is a-dyin' every day. Oh, it do make me feel 
 so melancholy. But there, I mustn't talk thataway, 
 I come to cheer you up and cheer you up I will. 
 
 Liza Ann Wilkerson had a awful accident happen 
 her last Saturday. Cow kicked her. They dunno 
 whether she'll recover er not. Pore thing! She's 
 got sich purty curls and a real nice complexion. 
 She'd be a lovely remains, wouldn't she? Yes, the 
 cow kicked her. Where? I dunno. Yes, seems 
 to me I did hear, too. I believe it was some'ers 
 between the corn patch and the front balcony, but 
 I ain't sure. 
 
 Did you hear the scandal down at Eph Shin- 
 bone's? Oh, it's awful, puffickly awful — and them 
 church professers, too. Both of 'em. Oh, they 
 had a awful time. Eph was scalded in the fracas. 
 She purt' nigh scalded all the hair off 'n his head f er 
 fault-findin' with her food-vittles. Ain't that scan'- 
 lous? This world is a vale of tears, Amaretty, a 
 reg'lar vale of tears, as the prophet says. I expect 
 to go into town next Saturday, eff I ain't dead er 
 sump'm ain't happened. You never kin tell. 
 We're worms of the dust, all of us, worms of the 
 dust. Here to-day and gone to-morrer, as it says 
 in Scriptures. 
 
 Well, I must go. Amaretty, you're a-lookin' 
 better already. I knowed it, I knowed my droppin' 
 in 'ud cheer you up. It allers does. " Human 
 
THE HUMAN TONIC 83 
 
 Tonic," that's what Joshuway calls me, and I 
 reckon Joshuway knows, fer I've been his partner 
 fer better and fer worse fer nigh onto fifty years. 
 If anything happens, Amaretty, you tell 'em to send 
 fer me. And if the worst comes to the worst, I'll 
 wear my black bombazine at the funeral, if it's 
 hotter'n blazes. Good-bye. 
 
A POOR OLD MAID 
 
 A Protean Monologue 
 
 (Miss Lucinda Toots has a wrinkled face, cork- 
 screw curls and nose glasses. She wears a 
 gaudy old-fashioned dress trimmed wixh red 
 and green ribbons and white lace. Black lace 
 mitts, a large flower-garden hat and a huge 
 hand-bag complete the costume.) 
 
 When I was a young and foolish girl 
 
 Papaw had lots of money, 
 And I had beaux who flocked around 
 
 As thick as bees for honey. 
 An English nobleman came first, 
 
 With an eye-glass in one eye — 
 He sighed and groaned, you'd think the man 
 
 Was just about to die. 
 
 {Imitate an English swell, open mouth, languid 
 manner, etc.) 
 
 Aw, ah, my deah Miss Lucinda, bah Jove, I'm 
 glad to see you this morning. Looking awfully fit, 
 you are. Perfectly ripping you are, bah Jove. I'd 
 like to take you for a little spin in my English motor, 
 what ! I'll make all the other Johnnies jealous with 
 you by my side, I will, bah Jove! Do you think 
 
 85 
 
86 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 that you could learn to love a perfectly devoted 
 Englishman? You do? Bah Jove, you make me 
 the happiest of men. You do, really. {Calmly.) 
 I'm on fire, don't you know. Positively excited. 
 
 I told him I would be his bride, 
 
 Along came Julia Burr, 
 Her father was a millionaire — 
 
 My lord eloped with her. 
 My next, a slim young poet, 
 
 From sunny Italy, 
 Begged me to be his bonny bride 
 
 And fly across the sea. 
 
 {Imitate an Italian; draw up the face, stoop over 
 and speak with many gestures, etc.) 
 
 Ah, Mees-a Lucinda, venever I take-a de good 
 look at-a you eet make- a my heart jump pitty-pat, 
 pitty-pat, so loud you no can-a hear the clock. 
 You be my leetla bride and fly away weeth me to 
 sunny Italy, we spend-a de mon just like-a da sand 
 and all-a day live on roses, sunshine and keeses. 
 Ah, come-a with me, Mees-a Lucinda, fly weeth me 
 like-a da bird, fly like-a da eagle, like-a da chicken, 
 like-a da mosquito, only fly and make-a me one 
 verra, verra happy man. 
 
 At last I told him I would fly, 
 
 But e'er the wedding came 
 The police arrested him for debt — 
 
 It was a burning shame. 
 
A POOR OLD MAID fy 
 
 To cure my broken heart they sent 
 
 Me to a western state, 
 And there I met a cowboy bold, 
 
 Who wished to share my fate. 
 
 (Imitate a cowboy, shoulders thrown back, walk 
 with a swagger, speak loudly and with a deep 
 voice.) 
 
 Whoa, thar, gal, whoa! It's Buckskin Pete 
 a-speakin' to you, and when old Buckskin Pete 
 speaks all the birds of the air stop to listen, the 
 ki-otes start to run and the eagle soars aloft. I 
 ain't got no city manners, gal, but I got a heart wot's 
 good and true and I don't mind tellin' you that 
 you've got me so as I'll eat grass outer your hand. 
 You got me corralled and roped and flung to m' 
 knees, gal — and that's a-goin* some. If you'll jest 
 say the word I'll haul you on behind my pony and 
 we'll gallop over the burnin' prairies to some sky- 
 pilot and you and me'll hit the honeymoon trail. 
 Speak up, gal, are you game? (Pause.) You air? 
 Then, slip her there, kid, slip her there ! 
 
 The wedding day was set, alas, 
 . I bought my wedding clothes, 
 But one day riding on the range 
 He fell and broke his nose ! 
 
88 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 It spoiled his beauty. I returned 
 
 Back to the east again, 
 Met Tony Lee from New Orleans, 
 
 The handsomest of men. 
 
 {Imitate the southern drawl.) 
 Miss Lucinda, honey, if you'll consent to marry 
 me you certainly will make me the happiest of men. 
 We-all down in New Orleans generally reckon ouah 
 ladies to be the most wonderful ladies in all the 
 world, but you certainly have made a great im- 
 pression on me, Miss Lucinda, and I reckon they 
 cain't blame me for my choice. Of course, I'm not 
 thinkin' of youah money, honey, we could live on 
 love down in New Orleans, but I reckon it'll come 
 in mighty handy. 
 
 Alas, alas, a cruel fate 
 
 Parted my love from me — 
 My father said he'd cut me off, 
 
 And Tony went to sea. 
 The next was banker William Wade, 
 
 A man of fifty- two, 
 He said if I would be his bride 
 
 He'd evermore be true. 
 
 (Imitate large, fat old man.) 
 Lucindy, gal, I don't offer you no boy's love— 
 (kneel on one knee with great difficulty, first care- 
 fully putting handkerchief on floor), I offer you a 
 man's devotion. I've had experience with women, 
 
A POOR OLD MAID 89 
 
 havin' been married three times already, and I jest 
 know how to make a gal happy. I pick my wives 
 just like I pick my cattle, fer workin' ability in- 
 stead of looks. Will you have me? (Rises.) 
 
 One day I asked to see his home, 
 
 It was a foolish whim — 
 I found that he had thirteen sons, 
 
 That was the last of him. 
 But there were others, five or six, 
 
 They left me in the shade (Sobs.) 
 And here I am at forty-two, 
 
 A hopeless, poor old maid ! 
 
 (Exit sobbing loudly.) 
 
THE COLLEGE WAITRESS 
 
 (Miss Bee-trice Maginnis, dressed in the latest 
 style, my goodness, yes! and wonderfully 
 coiffed, speaks:) 
 
 Say, was you Willie-boys a-whistlin' at me? 
 Fer Heaving' s sakes, things has come to a pretty 
 pass when a perfect lady can't stroll across the 
 college campus without having certain remarks 
 slung at her by a bunch of squirrel- food like youse. 
 (Pauses.) Oh, you wasn't? Very well, then, I ac- 
 cept your apology, but don't let it happen again. 
 (Walks a few steps to l., turns angrily and comes 
 to c. again.) 
 
 Say, was you addressin' them few pert remarks 
 to me, young man ? If you was I'll thank you to git 
 the honor of a introduction before presuming to ad- 
 dress a perfect lady. I don't like your looks no- 
 how. Oh, I ain't referrin' to your last season's tan 
 shoes, and far be it from me to git rude about your 
 up-country headgear, what I'm referring to is your 
 unpoliteness in not knowing a perfect lady when 
 you see her. It's a pity some of you college cut- 
 ups don't remain at home and help father gather in 
 the hay, instead of messing up the college campus 
 with your presence. 
 
 9i 
 
92 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Oh, is that so? {Turning to another tormentor.) 
 Say, don't you git so familiar with my front name. 
 I might work fer a living as some of youse knows, 
 by assisting at the college boarding-house, but that 
 don't give none of you hot-air artists the right to 
 address me by my maiden name when I'm off duty. 
 And my name ain't Flossie, so there! It's Bee- 
 trice, and I'm a perfect lady even if I do have to 
 wait on table in a college boarding-house. 
 
 My paw was an auctioneer and I come from one 
 of the very first families in Simson Center. I 
 might be in reduced circumstances at present, owin' 
 to the tidal wave of adversity, but who kin tell what 
 the future might bring forth? I've had my palm 
 read by a f orchun-teller and some day you might be 
 proud that I ever deigned to hand you oatmeal and 
 cabbage and prunes and cetery. 
 
 Oh, is that so? {Turning to l.) What you say? 
 {Pauses.) Well, I don't know what your name is, 
 Little Cutie Cut-up, but I preesume it is Mountain 
 Air, 'cause you're so fresh. {Pauses.) Now don't 
 hand me none of that line of advertising. I'd have 
 you know that I ain't in the market and I've got a 
 steady company already. You ain't the first fresh 
 student I've met. Heavings, no! I've lived in a 
 college town goin' on three years now, and when- 
 ever one of you funny boys spring anything on me 
 I laugh. {Sadly.) Ha, ha, ha ! just like an under- 
 taker. 
 
 Oh, listen at little Brighteyes talk. {Speaks to- 
 
THE C0LLE7E WAITRESS 93 
 
 ward R.) Clever kid, ain't he? If you could V 
 sprung some of that dope on the faculty maybe 
 they'd 'a' let you graduate the year before last when 
 your class did. Oh, I got your number all nickel- 
 plated right in the front of my limousine. You're 
 wise in everything but the upper story. Just be- 
 cause you play football and pose as a college hero 
 you think you kin hand me a line of bunk. Sure, 
 I know the papers said you was the candy athletic 
 kid, but it was nut candy. All bone and muscle, 
 eh? The bone part's all right. You are. From 
 the neck up. (Pauses.) Oh, is that so? Maybe 
 when you've paid us your last year's board bill and 
 the eighty dollars you owe the laundry you'll have 
 some right to give fatherly advice to the love-lorn. 
 Until then you'd better make a noise like a dumb- 
 waiter and ooze along on your way. 
 
 Oh, you're going? All of you? You boys is all 
 right personally, but your brains need a undertaker 
 and your come-backs sound like the Orpheum Cir- 
 cuit. Oh, look who's just come out of the library ! 
 The college queen! Huh! (This is a sniff of su- 
 preme disdain.) And look at 'em flock to her, like 
 the freshmen to their first class meetin'. Huh! 
 What they kin see in her beats me. She ain't got a 
 brain in her head, and clothes! Every time that 
 girl goes out she says to her clothes, "Well, Fm 
 goin' down town, you kin come along if you want ! " 
 Ginerally they don't want to. If I didn't have no 
 more style than her I'd be a sorority chaperone fer 
 
94 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 the rest of my life. Her face would stop a eight- 
 day clock and set it a-goin' backwards. And her 
 figger! Lean! Honest, sometimes I think the 
 more education a girl has the battier it makes her. 
 
 I might only be a poor working-girl, a human 
 slave passing prunes and codfish in a college 
 boardin' house, humiliated and trod in the dust by a 
 bunch of ingrowing walruses who don't know a real 
 lady when they see one, — I might be all that, but 
 thank Heavings, I ain't no co-ed. 
 
 NOTES 
 
 Janice O'Neill, who has given this monologue for 
 several seasons over the best vaudeville circuits, cos- 
 tumes the part in a plaid gingham dress cut in ex- 
 travagant style, fancy black and white shoes, an ex- 
 aggerated red hand-bag, a white fur boa, bright 
 green hat, and Five and Ten Cent Store jewelry 
 galore. The hair is dressed extravagantly and she 
 gives a pantomimic representation of gum-chewing 
 now and then. 
 
 If the monologue is given without character cos- 
 tume the following introduction should be used : 
 
 " Miss Bee-trice Maginnis is a somewhat heavy- 
 footed little fairy who serves the oatmeal and prunes 
 at a college boarding-house. She is crossing the 
 campus, just as innocent as a cooing dove, perfectly 
 lady-like, and attending strictly to her own business 
 pf chewing gum, and reflecting on the freshness of 
 

 THE COLLEGE WAITRESS 95 
 
 college students in general, when she is accosted by 
 a group of undergraduates who whistle at her and 
 make themselves otherwise obnoxious by making 
 certain rude comments that a perfect lady can't 
 stand, in spite of her natural dignity. She is goaded 
 beyond human endurance, as the saying is, and turns 
 on her tormentors." 
 
HAGAR IN THE DESERT 
 
 (Hagar wears an Oriental drapery of gray, with 
 an over drapery of white. The gray drapery 
 trails on the ground and the white is draped 
 around the head and falls over the shoulders. 
 She wears sandals. See illustrated Bibles.) 
 
 " Now Sarah saw the son of Hagar, the Egyptian, 
 which she had borne unto Abraham. Wherefore 
 she said unto her husband, Cast out this bondwoman 
 and her son; for the son of this bondwoman shall 
 not be heir with my son, even with Isaac. And the 
 thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because 
 Ishmael was his son. 
 
 But the Lord said unto Abraham, Harken unto 
 Sarah's voice, for in Isaac shall thy seed be called. 
 And of Ishmael, the son of Hagar, the bondwoman, 
 will I make a nation, because he is thy seed." 
 
 And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and 
 took bread and a bottle of water, and gave it to 
 Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, saying : 
 
 Go, Hagar, I conjure thee, go ! 
 Thy tears unnerve me to my harrowing soul ! 
 Fain would I keep thee for our dear boy's sake. 
 Yet thou must go, 
 
 97 
 
98 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Nor e'er again athwart the doorway of my tent 
 
 Must let thy shadow fall. 
 
 Now get thee hence, farewell, farewell ! 
 
 O bitter words, farewell, farewell ! 
 
 So I departed, wandered in the wilderness, 
 
 By day and night, wandered in Beer-sheba ! 
 
 Then spake my son to me, my Ishmael, 
 
 And questioned me saying, " Whither shall we go ? " 
 
 Ah, where indeed, my luckless boy, 
 Question the passionless stars above — 
 The sighing wind that kisses even now 
 Thy rosy cheeks and lips of innocence ! 
 Ask of the desert waste, whose burning sands 
 Shall scorch thy tender feet e'er day be done ! 
 Ask ! but, alas, in vain, in vain ! 
 No answer comes from far or near 
 To tell this aching mother-heart, 
 What fate shall bring to thee, my child, 
 Beloved of my inmost soul ! 
 
 The desert stretches far before, 
 
 Within my trembling hand I hold 
 
 Water and bread, but one day's sustenance. 
 
 That gone ! What's left for us but death ? 
 
 To starve, to thirst in agony, to die ! 
 
 To see thee die, heart of my heart, 
 
 Flesh of my flesh, my first-born son ! 
 i God of our fathers, hear my cry, 
 ( I cannot let him die ! 
 
HAGAR IN THE DESERT 99 
 
 How can a mother lead her child to death, 
 To death prolonged and torturing, 
 Amid the pitiless desert sands, 
 That know no mercy in their silences ! 
 And yet I dare not, cannot, disobey 
 Because I am — a — slave I 
 God of my fathers, hear my cry, 
 I cannot let him die ! 
 
 And now methinks I hear a voice, 
 
 An angel's voice, calling from out the sky : 
 
 " Hagar, Hagar, what aileth thee ? 
 
 Fear not, for I am with thee, even I, 
 
 Thy father's God, the Lord of hosts ; 
 
 I've heard thy cry, arise, lift up thy head, 
 
 And take thy boy, take Ishmael by the hand, 
 
 He is thy son, and of his seed 
 
 Make I a mighty nation, be comforted ! " 
 
 And there before mine eyes I saw 
 
 A well of living water, cool and sweet. 
 
 I rilled the bottle, and we drank our fill. 
 
 Now hope was in my breast, a living fire, 
 
 It guides me on to life and love eternal, 
 
 It was the Voice of God and I am saved ! 
 
 Forward, my son, press onward to the west, 
 
 Onward to Paran, led by God on high, 
 
 Who trust in Him alone shall never die. (Exit.) 
 
AUNT URITTY OF THE HILLS 
 
 (Aunt Uritty, aged sixty, is a mountaineer from 
 the backwoods of Arkansas. She wears rough 
 shoes, a dark calico dress, an old shawl and a 
 large sunbonnet. Wrinkle the face with brown 
 grease paint, shade the brown lines on either 
 side with lines of gray; draw gray lines around 
 the eyes and wear large old-fashioned spec- 
 tacles. ) 
 
 Howdy, teacher, bein* as it was too wet fur cot- 
 ton-planting we-uns reckoned we'd jest drap in to 
 see how the school was gittin' along. This yere's 
 my son and he's one of the School Directors. This 
 yere's my darter's husband, and he's another. I'm 
 the third and together we constitutes the hull board 
 of directors fer this deestric'. 
 
 I'm plum interred in iddication, teacher ; I used 
 to hanker right smart to be a school-marm myself 
 when I was young and spry-like, but I met up with 
 old Jeff Suggs, and the loon kinder pestered 'round 
 till I ups and marries him and wint back on my iddi- 
 cation. The Suggses war never much took up with 
 book larnin'. I reckon a-b, ab is jist about as fur as 
 they ever got. And / kin sign my own name with 
 a pencil, ef I'm given time enough. My son yere 
 and my darter's husban' there, they'd never leave 
 
 101 
 
102 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 their craps long enough to see how the school was 
 comin' on, less'n I yanked 'em to it. I take a interest 
 in sech things. Ef I didn't, you kin bet yer socks 
 there wouldn't be no school yere on Old Gal Moun- 
 tain. I 'lowed we-uns jest naturally had to hev a 
 school f er the young-uns. 
 
 There's been some complain about the disa/>line 
 yere at the school and I come to investigate the hull 
 thing. As near as I kin make out one of yer schol- 
 ars, Snub-nosed Ryan, him over thar, was playin' 
 preacher yisterday and bapsousin' Amaritty Quack- 
 enbush and Little Runt Doolittle down in the creek. 
 And then Tim Reagan stuck his foots right into my 
 gran' chile's dinner, and they ain't clean neither. I 
 know them Reaganses. But I ain't holdin' it agin 
 you, teacher. I reckon you're doin' what you kin, 
 and I ain't got no complaint. 
 
 Why don't you make that gal Maggie Foster set 
 down ? She ain't got no more manners than a blue- 
 buck nigger. Maggie Foster, you go and do what 
 the teacher telled yer to do, er I'll jest naturally 
 churn the very daylights out'n yer sassy hide whin 
 yer gits home. You jest plum pervert the hull ca- 
 boodle so's the teacher jest can't do a thing with 'em. 
 Ain't you 'shamed ? And you goin' on fifteen, too. 
 
 Teacher, you see that thar little tow-headed tike 
 back thar by the winder ? That's Jabe Henrix's boy, 
 Junior. I bespeak you to be kinder easy on him, 
 teacher, 'cause his maw's down dead and his paw's 
 tooken to the state penitentiary fer moonshinin'. He 
 
AUNT URITTY OF THE HILLS 103 
 
 sleeps at our house and jest kinder lives 'round on 
 the mountain. He ain't only six and yit he kin drink 
 his gourd o' likker jest as big as ary man. We-uns 
 all think a heap o' little Junior Henrix. Why only 
 yestaday I war walkin' down the path huntin' chink- 
 ipins, with nary a shoe ner a stockin' to my foot, 
 when I almost stepped plum on the head of a rattler 
 all coiled to strike. Why, it skeered me like any- 
 thing, me who's used to pickin' up them snaikes by 
 the tail and twirlin' 'em till their heads fall off. I 
 reckon I'd 'a' got stung right powerful, ef it hadn't 
 'a' been f er that little tow-headed tike. 
 
 He had a nigger-shooter, and, I vum, ef he didn't 
 kill that there varmint plum dead, jest as it was 
 about to strike me. I was jest so naturally grateful 
 to little Junior Henrix that I tooken him up in my 
 arms, and cried over him, and patted him on the 
 head. And all the time he was wrigglin' like a snake 
 and cussin' worse'n his dad. Then I tooken him 
 home and fried a apple-popover fer him and gi'n 
 him a sugar cookie. By dawggies, he's a smart little 
 runt, teacher, so I bespeak you to gi'n him a chance 
 along with the rest. 
 
 He told me you-uns war teachin' him to read the 
 Bible. That's good work, teacher. Them thar Hen- 
 rixes warn't much on larnin', and I don't reckon 
 they ever see a Bible in their hands, and now 
 hyar's HT Junior Henrix a-larnin' to read it. I 
 shouldn't wonder if you-uns didn't make a preacher 
 out'n Junior. He's a real smart HT tike, he is, al- 
 
104 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 though of course he do chaw tobaccer and cusses 
 some. 
 
 Phroney Burton, how come you to holler out 
 thataway in school ? Ain't you had no raisin' ? Oh, 
 Malachi Quirk was pullin' yer hair, hay ? Ain't that 
 jest like one of them there Quirks? Malachi, you let 
 Phroney's hair alone and set down and keep still, 
 'fore I jump over thar and wear you out to a frazzle. 
 Hyah me? There never was a Quirk borned in 
 these hyar mountains who could let the gals alone. 
 That's how come his paw and maw to git married. 
 Come-over Quirk was his paw ; a little, wee runt of 
 a feller, 'bout knee-high to a bull-frog — and his maw 
 was Big Margot Updike, who stood six foot one in 
 her stockings, ef she ever had any. 
 
 Come-over Quirk was sparkin' Big Margot in 
 them days and it was the laughin' stock of the hull 
 mountain to see that little runt a-steppin' around 
 with her. Finally he got so down-spereted he done 
 told Margot he warn't goin' to marry her, 4ess'n he 
 could grow up and be as tall as she was. He jest 
 naturally couldn't stand ever'body laffin' fit to kill 
 at 'em. Big Margot was powerfully disappinted at 
 first, 'cause she really liked Come-over Quirk right 
 tender. She didn't say much, but she listened till he 
 got plum clean through with his argument. When 
 he'd finished and war jest about to leave the house, 
 he found hisself lookin' down into the business end 
 of Old Man Updike's shot-gun, which Big Margot 
 was a-pokin' up under his nose. 
 
AUNT URITTY OF THE HILLS 105 
 
 " Did I understand you to say that thar wasn't 
 goin' to be no weddin' 'twixt me and you, on account 
 a me bein' the bigger ? " said Margot. 
 
 " Them 'ere fellers is allers laffin' at us, ever' time 
 we's seen together, Margot," says Come-over, kinder 
 trimbly around the gills. 
 
 " Let 'em laff," says Margot, " we-uns ain't got no 
 time to listen to them "ere hill-billies nohow. How 
 come you want to break off this yere match, Come- 
 over Quirk ? Ain' you carin' for me no more ? " 
 
 Come-over, when he seen there weren't no imme- 
 diate danger, begun to stubborn up a bit. 
 
 " I ain' sayin' I ain' carin' f er you," says he, " but 
 there jest naturally ain't goin' to be no weddin' and 
 that's all." 
 
 " Oh, ain't there," says Big Margot, " ain't there? 
 Now you listen to me, Come-over Quirk, and mark 
 well my words. I reckon there is goin' to be a 
 weddin', and that right now, 'twixt me and you and 
 before sundown at that. There's goin' to be a wed- 
 din', I reckon, less'n you prefers a funeral ? Now, I 
 ain' influencin' you, Come-over, I ain' arguin', ner 
 nothin', I'm jest naturally statin' fac's. Which do 
 you prefer, a weddin' or a funeral ? " And she give 
 the end of the gun a little push. 
 
 That decided Come-over right thar. " Why, I'm 
 goin' to have a weddin', honey ! I favors a weddin' 
 myself." 
 
 And that's how come you to be hyar, Malachi 
 Quirk, a-settin' in school and pullin' the hair ofFn 
 
106 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Phroney Burton's haid. Now, you set down and ac' 
 peaceful, er, by dawggies, I'll tame you, just like Big 
 Margot Updike tamed your paw twenty year ago. 
 
 Well, teacher, I reckon we-uns can't stay no 
 longer, but I want to tell you, and I tell you true, 
 that you got a good school and the discipline is purt' 
 nigh perfect. You got my sympathy. Some day 
 when you ain't nawthin' better to do, you jest strad- 
 dle your mule and pass the time o' day with me. And, 
 you-uns, harken to me, be good boys and gals and 
 obey your teacher. Kase if you don't it's as likely 
 as not you-all'll grow up into no-count hill-billies 
 who don't know enough iddication to take grist to 
 the mill. Evenin', scholars! Evenin', teacher, 
 evenin'! (Exits.) 
 
RAG BABY 
 
 A Monologue for a Little Girl 
 
 (The speaker impersonates an old rag doll. Wear 
 a long ragged dress and a ragged apron and a 
 large patched sunbonnet. The arms and hands 
 are covered with gray stockings, the face with 
 gray cambric, leaving the nose, eyes and mouth 
 visible. These features are painted with black 
 and red grease paint to look like a rag doll.) 
 
 Piano Music : " Coming Through the Rye." 
 
 (The speaker skips in, dances impishly around the 
 stage, spreading skirts, curtseying, kicking, etc., 
 in time to the music, which is played rather fast 
 at first. Then she comes to the front and sings 
 while the music is played in song tempo.) 
 
 Everybody rub your glasses, 
 
 Take a look at me; 
 I'm the happiest little dolly 
 
 You did ever see. 
 'Course I'm just a plain rag baby, 
 
 But I'm feeling gay, 
 'Cause my little lady Mary 
 
 Loves me best to-day. 
 107 
 
I08 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 (The music ceases and the doll recites.) 
 
 Yesterday was Christmas, 
 
 I was feeling blue, 
 Sulked around and cried a bit, 
 
 Heart just broke in two. 
 
 'Twas all the fault of Santa — 
 What you think he did ? 
 
 Brought my little lady 
 
 A French doll made of kid. 
 
 When you touched her tummy 
 She would say mamma ! 
 
 When you took your hand away 
 She would squeak papa ! 
 
 She was made in Paris, 
 
 Name was Angeline ; 
 And she was the sweetest doll 
 
 I have ever seen. 
 
 Oh, my heart was broken 
 
 Early Christmas morn ; 
 Little Mary hugged her tight ! 
 
 My, I felt forlorn. 
 
 And the other toys 
 
 All made fun of me ; 
 For I'd. been her favorite 
 
 Up to then, you see. 
 
RAG BABY 109 
 
 Dio, the clown, laughed awful, 
 
 Teddy Bear said " Woo ! 
 Now the old rag baby 
 
 Won't know what to do ! " 
 
 Little Mary played with her, 
 
 Nearly all the day, 
 And I cried so awful hard (Weeps.) 
 
 I washed my nose away. 
 
 I knew I wasn't pretty, 
 
 And couldn't talk a word, 
 But I thought Mary loved me best, 
 
 Of course, it was absurd ! 
 
 My dress is old and ragged, 
 
 My nose half washed away, 
 My head is just a stocking, 
 
 Not white or pink, just gray ! 
 
 It was an awful Christmas, 
 
 I never felt so blue ; 
 She never even looked at me 
 
 At all, the whole day through. 
 
 At last the day was ended, 
 
 I wished that I was dead ; 
 The nurse came in, put out the lights, 
 
 'Twas time to go to bed. 
 
110 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Then little lady Mary 
 
 Began to look around 
 And saw me lying all alone 
 
 Just heart-broke on the ground. 
 
 She picked me up and loved me, 
 And pressed me to her heart, 
 
 And said, " You are my dearest child, 
 From you I'll never part ! 
 
 " Of course the French doll's pretty, 
 Her manner's sweet and mild ; 
 But she is just a visitor, 
 
 And you are mamma's child ! 
 
 " Old Santa Claus has brought her, 
 A pretty satin toy, 
 But you're my ownest family ! " 
 I nearly burst with joy. 
 
 Then little lady Mary, 
 
 Snuggled me close in bed, 
 And kissed me 'bout a million times 
 
 On feet and hands and head. 
 
 {Skip around, curtsey, etc., music plays "Coming 
 Through the Rye," she sings.) 
 
 Now I'm off to find Miss Mary, 
 
 Dancing round in glee, 
 I'm the happiest little dolly 
 
 You did ever see. 
 
RAG BABY ill 
 
 Though I'm but a plain rag baby, 
 
 Still I want to say, 
 Some one loves me best of all, 
 That is all, good day ! {She skips out.) 
 
DOWN WITH THE MEN! 
 
 (Miss Samanthy Snapdragon is a platform orator 
 with a mission, to warn her fellow-women of 
 the deceit and general villainy of man. She 
 wears a large hat trimmed with real apples, 
 grapes and bananas, an old-fashioned dress, 
 many badges, corkscrew curls, eye-glasses, 
 black lace mitts, large reticule, etc. Her face 
 is made up wrinkled with grease paint and nose 
 made long and pointed with nose-putty, or use 
 the false nose of a false-face, but do not have it 
 too grotesque. She stands before a small table 
 on which is a pitcher of water and a drinking- 
 glass. She wields a large umbrella with much 
 vim. ) 
 
 Sisters and fellow-sufferers ! {Pauses and looks 
 around.) This is a great and solemn occasion. We 
 are here to see what measures we can take to remedy 
 a great evil, to rid ourselves of that arch-enemy of 
 our sex, Man! We have suffered slights and injury 
 at his hands, and now we propose to take our re- 
 venge. Down with the tyrant ! ( Whacks umbrella 
 on table.) The world shall see that we are not to 
 be trampled in the dust like slaves. It was a man 
 who said that woman was a rag, a bone and a hank 
 of hair ! A man said that ! I cast the allegation in 
 his teeth and defy the alligater! If a woman is a 
 "3 
 

 114 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 rag, a bone and a hank of hair, then what is man? 
 Why a jag, a drone and a tank of air, and hot air 
 at that! 
 
 Not one of them knows enough to appreciate a 
 woman of good common sense, who'd make 'em a 
 good wife, but they take up with every little chicken 
 that crosses the road. Why, just this morning as I 
 was walking up Main Street I met — — (insert the 
 name of a prominent local bachelor) . And when his 
 eye lit on me he deliberately turned and went into a 
 
 cigar store. Later I saw him talking with 
 
 (insert the name of a popular belle). The idea of 
 leavin' me fer her! Humph, when he ketches me 
 a-speakin' to him again, he'll know it. Sisters, will 
 we continue to put up with such treatment? Shall 
 we or shall we not? I pause fer a reply. (Takes 
 grapes from hat and eats them, glaring around.) 
 
 We should all band together and refuse to receive 
 any and all attentions from any of the male sect. 
 They should be made to feel the sting of our scorn 
 and the depth of our contempt. So far as lies in 
 our power we must crush to the earth and annihilate 
 man, and though he go down on his bended knee, 
 we shall not swerve one iota from our resolution. 
 They think women are weak, clinging vines that they 
 can twist around their little fingers. Well, I'll let 
 'em know that Samanthy Snapdragon ain't no weak, 
 clinging vine, and I cannot be twisted around no 
 finger, no matter how loving. 
 
 I have just returned from a Correspondence 
 
DOWN WITH THE MEN! 115 
 
 School where I smashed every window in the con- 
 cern. Why ? Because I hated their motto. It was, 
 " We Teach Through the Mails " — now, mebbe 
 they'll teach a little through the females. In the 
 future on election day the women will be at the polls 
 sweeping the country, and the men will be at 
 home SAveeping the floors ! Sisters, unite, and drive 
 this common enemy back to the trenches! Down 
 with the men ! ( Takes a drink of water and eats a 
 banana from hat.) 
 
 Once when I was a weak and trusting little girl, 
 two or three years ago, a man took me home from 
 the picture-show. He called frequent and told me 
 that I was the loveliest of my sex. He actually bor- 
 rowed fifty dollars of me to pay his board-bill. Sis- 
 ters, only one thing saved me from the clutches of 
 that wretch, he was about to propose and I was 
 about to consent, but I was saved by a miracle. Just 
 a little more and I would have been an unhappy 
 married woman for life. Only one thing prevented 
 it, he never asked me ! So that is why I've taken 
 to the platform to warn you, my sisters, of this brute 
 in human form. Again I say, down with the Men ! 
 (Exits.) 
 
JIMMIE AND THE BRAND-NEW 
 BABY 
 
 Monologue for a Little Boy 
 
 (Note: // desired, the wording of this monologue 
 may be changed slightly and it may be called 
 " Jennie and the Brand-new Baby " and be 
 given by a little girl. ) 
 
 Say, do any of you folks want a baby ? (Pauses. ) 
 It's brand new, and has got a nose and mouth and 
 legs and kin holler and everything. Well, I got one 
 to give away or to sell. I would trade her fer a 
 puppy and throw in her clothes as a bargain. 
 They're good clothes, too, but if I gave her away 
 what use would they be to me ? I couldn't wear 'em, 
 and I wouldn't if I could. 
 
 They told me I had a nice little baby sister to 
 play with, and then when I tried to play with her 
 and gave her the shoe-polish to make her look funny 
 in the face, they spanked me in the front entry. Pa 
 always blames everything on me. She was the one 
 they should have spanked, 'cause it was all her fault. 
 'Cause she let out a holler like a wild Injun, and I 
 wasn't doin' a thing only feeding her shoe-polish. 
 
 They put her catnip tea in my silver cup and I've 
 got to have my bread and milk in a plain old bowl. 
 I spilled it all over me, but they didn't help me at 
 117 
 
Il8 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 all. All they can think about is her I And she 
 looks jest like I did when I had the measles. Little 
 and red and squirmy and got winkles all over her. 
 face. And she ain't got a toof in her head! And 
 right on the top of her head is a soft spot. Ma says 
 she takes that after Pa, but I dunno. 
 
 I dunno where she come from, and I don't care; 
 all I know is that she's there and I want to git 
 rid of her right away. Ma said the angels visited 
 us and left her. I asked Pa if the angels was goin' 
 to visit us every night and he said " No ! " awful 
 quick and nearly died a-lafrm'. As soon as I heard 
 she was here I hurried home, 'cause pa blames me 
 fer everything. 
 
 Nurse said she came from Heaven. Mebbe she 
 did, I dunno. But if she did, I don't blame the 
 angels at all fer throwin' her out and sickin' her on 
 us. And she can't talk er nothin'. Jest yells. That's 
 all she kin do, yell and eat. She keeps her mouth 
 open all the time. Pa says that's 'cause she's a little 
 lady, but I dunno. She don't look like nothin' to 
 me. I give her my tin-cup to play with and first 
 thing you know she had it in her mouth. And pa 
 blamed me. And I was jest tryin' to amuse her. 
 
 And they're goin' to give her my cradle that came 
 straight from Heaven with me. I don't see why 
 the angels didn't give her one, too, if she had to 
 have one. 
 
 (Point to some one in the audience.) You can 
 have her if you want her. Jest gimme 'leven cents 
 

 JIM M IE AND THE BRAND-NE W BAB Y 1 1 9 
 
 and I'll bring her over to your house right away. 
 (Pauses.) Want her? (Pauses.) You don't? 
 Well, you needn't git mad about it. Every one pets 
 her and seems to love her so much that I thought 
 everybody 'ud want her. (Points to some one else in 
 the audience.) Do you want her? She's a real 
 good baby, and almost perfectly new. I'll trade her 
 to you fer a nickel. Well, if nobody don't want her 
 I'll sell her at the second-hand store. And then I sup- 
 pose pa will blame that on me, too. Say, it's awful 
 tough havin' a brand-new baby in the house, ain't it ? 
 If you know anybody who'll gimme a nickel fer 
 her you jest tell me who it is. I'd even trade her fer 
 a stick of chewin' gum. Say, don't any of you folks 
 want a baby ? All right, I'll go over to the preacher's 
 house and see if he won't take her. Aunt Lucy says 
 whenever you've got anything you want to git rid 
 of to send it to the heathen, and I'll let 'em send the 
 baby to the heathen. Then pa will blame that on 
 me, too. 
 
SPRINGTIME 
 
 A Monologue Introducing a Chorus and JEs- 
 thetic Dancing 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Springtime (the reader, dressed in a Grecian gown 
 of flimsy green, hair hanging in curls. Wreath 
 of spring flowers on head and garlands of 
 spring flowers draped around the costume. 
 Barefoot, with or without Grecian sandals. 
 Long green gauze scarf.) 
 
 Spring Flowers (tiny boys and girls dressed in 
 paper costumes and representing Violets, Daffo- 
 dils, Spring Beauties, Hyacinths, Snowballs, 
 Tulips, Johnny-jump-ups, Maybuds, Daisies, 
 Crocuses, etc. About twenty-four, if possible.) 
 
 Summer Flowers (larger girls dressed to represent 
 Lilies, Roses, Pansies, Tiger Lilies, Chrysan- 
 themums, Tulips, Gentians, Carnations, etc. 
 Each carries a gauze scarf about four feet long. 
 Use about twelve girls for the summer flowers. ) 
 
 SCENE. — A forest glade. Background and sides 
 of natural boughs nailed onto a concealed 
 frame. A rocky fountain or spring may be ar- 
 ranged with natural rocks and ferns, the wafer 
 coming from a concealed hose attached to a 
 faucet. Bright calcium lights, or headlights, 
 with colored paper screens, add to the effect. 
 121 
 
122 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 A tree stump or imitation rock is in the center 
 of the stage at front. Music: Mendelssohn's 
 Spring Song. The curtain rises slowly, disclos- 
 ing the^ glade. The Spring Flowers are grouped 
 around the stage hidden under umbrellas that 
 are covered with green paper, raffia or leaves. 
 
 (Springtime dances in from rear waving her scarf 
 aloft. She dances in time to the music. Poses 
 at rear c. Dances to front, twirls and salutes 
 the audience by kneeling, smiling and extending 
 her arms to front. Dances to l., poses. Dances 
 to R. and twirls. Then to c, where she ad- 
 dresses the audience while the music plays 
 softly and bird whistles are heard behind the 
 scenes.) 
 
 Springtime : 
 
 I come, I come, the Spring is here, 
 I hear the thrush's whistle, 
 The finch upon the thistle; 
 Sing, robin, sing, 
 
 Tis Spring, Spring! (Bird whistling ceases.) 
 The warm winds from the south come dancing down, 
 To bring the Spring to hillside, wood and town. 
 Sing, robin, loudly sing, my dear, 
 For Spring is here. 
 
 Cheep, cheep, tr-r-r-rrilll ! Quip, quip, qrrrip ! 
 
 (Imitate robin.) 
 
 Answer, bluebird, answer ! Lit, lit, leu, leu, leu ! 
 Oe, oe, oe, up, up, up ! 
 
SPRINGTIME 123 
 
 Pipe loud, pipe clear, 
 For Spring is here ! 
 
 Here in the glade I see the green, 
 
 On yonder hill the brown ; 
 But where are the blue and golden flowers, 
 
 The jewels in Springtime's crown? 
 
 Crocus, Crocus, come, my dear ! 
 
 Go tell the world the Spring is here ! 
 
 (From the center umbrella the heads of four of 
 the littlest girls of all peek from its sides. ) 
 
 Ah, there you are, the Crocuses awake ; 
 Ye are the first of all my flowery train, 
 
 (Removes umbrella.) 
 
 Arise, bestir thyselves, there's work to do, 
 Away and deck the meadow, hill and plain. 
 
 (Removes another umbrella showing daffodils 
 yawning and stretching.) 
 
 Come, daffodils, put on your gaudiest yellows ! 
 Where are the Johnny- jump-ups, brave little fel- 
 lows? 
 
 (The Johnny- jump-ups jump up throwing off 
 their umbrella.) 
 
 Come, wake the Spring Beauties and the Hyacinth 
 
 band, 
 You lead the timid ones forth by the hand ! 
 
124 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 (All the spring flowers awaken and come forward 
 sleepily. ) 
 
 Violet, Dandelion, awake, my dear! 
 You've work to do, the Spring is here ! 
 
 (The music changes from "Spring Song 1 * to 
 " Comin' Through the Rye" The Spring 
 Flowers take partners and form a pretty group 
 and dance as they sing. ) 
 
 Johnny-jump-up met a jonquil, 
 
 Sweet as anything, 
 Johnny-jump-up kissed the jonquil, 
 
 Saying it was spring. 
 Hyacinth and daffodilly, 
 
 Violet so shy, 
 Let us dance and sing together, 
 
 Comin 5 through the rye. 
 
 Dandelion is dressed in yellow, 
 
 Hyacinth in blue, 
 Tulip is a gaudy fellow 
 
 Clad in crimson hue. 
 Sweet Spring Beauties dance together, 
 
 While the robins sing, 
 Warm the wind and warm the weather, 
 
 Now you know it's spring ! 
 
 (They dance out at sides. Springtime, who has 
 been dancing alone at rear, now comes down to 
 front. She recites to "Santa Lucia" music 
 played softly.) 
 
SPRINGTIME 125 
 
 The birds are singing sweetly and the sun 
 Rises aloft, higher each day, to cheer the earth, 
 The little rills burst from their icy bonds 
 And swell the rivers, buds break on the trees ; 
 The little winds make music in my ears, 
 The little streams gurgle with limpid joy, 
 And all the earth's attuned to some new strain 
 That breathes the resurrection of the Spring. 
 
 Hark to the cooing of the dove, coo-ee, coo-ee, 
 And now the robin answers from his tree, 
 Tr-r-r-rill! Tr-r-r-r-ill ! lu-ree, lu-ree! 
 
 Jonquil and Crocus all have gone away, 
 Sweet harbingers of Spring, this is their day ! 
 But yonder in the grotto sleep the blooms 
 Of later Spring and Summer, as in tombs. 
 Pipe, bluebirds, sound your flute and fife, 
 Waken the sleepers, wake them into life. 
 
 The robins' silver fluting, 
 
 The sparrow's gay disputing ! 
 Chee, chee ! hear the bluebird sing — 
 Awaken, sleepy Poppy, 'tis the Spring ! 
 Come, Tiger Lily, Daisy, Pansy, Rose, 
 Thy mother calls, put on thy summer clothes ! 
 
 (Springtime moves to l. front. The Summer 
 Flowers dance in and pose at rear, their scarfs 
 held aloft. They sing to the tune of "Santa 
 Lucia") 
 
126 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Springtime, we hear thy voice, 
 
 From slumbers calling, 
 Gaily we will obey, 
 
 Blossoms are falling. 
 Come tread a dance with me, 
 Over the hilltops free, 
 
 Down by the river, 
 
 Dance on forever. 
 
 Soft breezes play for us, 
 
 Humming so lightly, 
 Now down to mother earth 
 
 We flutter brightly. 
 Dance over wood and hill, 
 Faster and faster still, 
 
 Dancing and twirling, 
 
 Gay blossoms whirling. 
 
 All through the winter sleep, 
 
 Now sleep is ending, 
 Merrily dance and sing, 
 
 Bowing and bending, 
 Dance over hill and dale, 
 Dance till the moon grows pale, 
 
 Leaping and swaying, 
 
 Flower games a-playing ! 
 
 (First Verse: — On first four lines pose in groups of 
 three. Center girl kneels, her scarf over her 
 shoulders, and she holds the ends of the scarfs 
 of the other two. These girls hold the other 
 ends of their scarfs zvith arms uplifted, form- 
 
SPRINGTIME 127 
 
 ing a V. On the last four lines of the first verse 
 pose in couples. Take partners right hand and 
 dance forward and back to partner in time to 
 music. ) 
 
 '{Second Verse: — First four lines pose in couples. 
 One girl kneels and her partner dances around 
 her in small ring, arms moving with scarfs in 
 time to music. Each couple does this. Last 
 four lines, all waltz slowly with partners.) 
 
 {Third Verse: — Pose in groups of eight, forming as 
 for a quadrille. For first four lines all dance 
 " grand right and left," and for last four lines 
 all waltz forming pretty tableaux with scarfs.) 
 
 (Note : This dance may be elaborated or changed to 
 suit the fancy of the director. Springtime 
 dances alone at rear. Then she comes down 
 and sits on stump or rock at c. Music changes 
 to " Flower Song " as she recites. ) 
 
 Methinks the air grows chill ! 
 
 The birds have ceased their song, 
 My little buds I sent too soon, 
 
 I hope they meet no wrong. 
 The sun has gone to sleep, 
 
 The north wind's in the air, 
 Will Jack Frost banish Spring? 
 
 No, I will do and dare ! 
 
 {Four of the tiniest Spring Flowers enter from 
 sides shivering with cold and crying. They 
 kneel before Springtime, who comforts them.) 
 

 128 COSTUME MONOLOGUES 
 
 Alas, alas, my beauties, 'twas too soon, 
 I sent you forth too soon ! Be comforted, 
 There, there, my dears, now dry your eyes, 
 For soon the sun will light the skies. 
 I know you're cold, yes, shivering with cold, 
 'Twas Jack Frost's work, a cruel lad and bold ! 
 He caught you all and held you fast ? 
 
 {They nod.) 
 Alas, I thought all danger past — 
 He kissed you with his icy lips, 
 
 And chilled and frightened you? 
 Shine out, shine out, dear Father Sol, 
 
 There's work for you to do ! 
 
 {The other Spring Flowers come in, shivering and 
 weeping; they surround Springtime.) 
 Come, Rose and Lily, take them to the hill, 
 
 Nature shall dye you bright again, my dear ; 
 And mend your tattered clothes and cheer you up, 
 
 We'll show Jack Frost that Spring again is here ! 
 
 {Rose and Lily lead some of the Spring Flowers 
 out at rear.) 
 
 Take Violet and have her frock new-dipped, 
 
 With sweet perfume, 
 And mend again her tattered robe 
 
 At Lilac's loom. 
 Daisy, take Jonquil to thy little house, 
 
 Deck her with gold ; 
 Spring Beauties, go with Pansy, then return 
 
 Safe to the fold. 
 
SPRINGTIME 129 
 
 (Lilac and Pansy lead the others out at rear. 
 Bird notes heard outside from whistle.) 
 
 Now see, again the sun begins to shine, 
 
 And south winds blow, 
 Jack Frost is slinking from the earth again 
 
 Till next year's snow. 
 The bluebird chirps on the cherry tree's limb, 
 The saucy robin answers him, 
 And from a million feathered throats 
 Arise a million merry notes ; 
 The music comes from glade and hill and dell, 
 Now dance, my flowers, be gay, for all is well ! 
 Ripple, ye streams ! Bid all the bluebirds sing ! 
 For all the world is gay, it is the Spring ! 
 
 (Bright music, flowers all dance on, form tableau 
 and unite in posture dance for finale.) 
 
THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dalrymple. Six males, three 
 females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors, or can be played in 
 one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting piece, full of action 
 and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Carter's little joke of inv 
 personating the colored butler has unexpected consequences that give him 
 " the time of his life." Very highly recommended for high school per- 
 formance. Price, 25 cents 
 
 THE COLLEGE CHAP 
 
 A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Harry L. Newton and John 
 Pierre Roche. Eleven males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
 two interiors. Plays two and a half hours. An admirable play for ama- 
 teurs. Absolutely American in spirit and up to date ; full of sympathetic 
 interest but plenty of comedy ; lots of healthy sentiment, but nothing 
 " mushy." Just the thing for high schools ; sane, effective, and not dif- 
 ficult. Price, 25 cents 
 
 THE DEACON'S SECOND WIFE 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts by Allan Abbott. Six males, six females, 
 Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exterior. Plays two hour» 
 and a half. A play of rural life specially written for school performance. 
 All the parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and the piece is full 
 of laughs. Easy to produce ; no awkward sentimental scenes ; can b* 
 strongly recommended for high schools. Price, 25 cents 
 
 THE TEASER 
 
 A Rural Comedy in Three Acts by Charles S. Allen. Four male, three 
 female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for all three acts ; 
 costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. An admirable play for 
 amateurs, very easy to get up, and very effective. Uraliah Higgins, a 
 country postman, and Drusilla Todd are capital comedy parts, introducing 
 songs or specialties, if desired. Plenty of incidental fun. 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 COUNTRY FOLKS 
 
 A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, five 
 females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one interior. Plays two and a 
 quarter hours. An effective and up-to-date play well suited for amateur 
 performance. All the parts good and fairly even in point of opportunity ; 
 the ladies' parts especially so. Easy to stage, and well suited for schools. 
 Well recommended. Price, 25 cents 
 
 THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 
 
 A Farce in Two Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, eight fe- 
 males. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. Plays one and a hall 
 hours. An exceptionally bright and amusing little play of high class and 
 recommended to all classes of amateur players. Full of action and 
 laughs, but refined. Irish low comedy part. Strongly endorsed. 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
THE CHUZZLEWITS 
 
 Or, TOM PINCH 
 
 A Dramatization in Five Acts by F. E. Fowle of Charles 
 Dickens' novel " Martin Chuzzlewit " 
 
 Fifteen males, six females. Costumes of the period ; scenery, four in 
 tenors and one exterior. Plays a full evening. This version expands the 
 story of Tom Pinch, already made popular in the comedy of that name, 
 by the addition of the highly dramatic proceedings of the Chuzzlewit 
 family, and thus provides a much stronger and more representative play 
 All the familiar characters of the novel appear and offer a great variety 
 of exceptionally strong parts. Strongly recommended for schools. 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mr. Seth Pecksniff, architect. 
 Mr. Anthony Chuzzlewit. 
 Mr. Jonas Chuzzlewit, his 
 
 son. 
 Old Martin Chuzzlewit. 
 Martin Chuzzlewit, his 
 
 grandson. 
 Tom Pinch. 
 Mr. Montague Tigg. 
 Old Chuffey. 
 Bailey. 
 Mr. Mould. 
 
 Lewsome. 
 
 Mr. NadgetT. 
 
 Mr. Moddle. 
 
 Two Police Officers. 
 
 Mary Graham. 
 
 Mercy Pecksniff. 
 
 Charity Pecksniff. 
 
 Sarah Gamp. 
 
 Betsy Prig, a friend of Sarah '* 
 
 Jane, Pecksniff's servant. 
 
 Maid. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 Act I — Parlor at Mr. Pecksniff's. Wiltshire. 
 
 Act II. — Room in house of Mr. Anthony Chuzzlewit. London 
 
 ACT III. — Scene 1 : Garden at Mr. Pecksniff *s. 
 
 Scene 2 : Room in an Inn at Holborn. 
 Act IV. — Scene 1: Apartment at Montague Tigg's. London 
 
 Scene 2 : At Anthony Chuzzlewit* s — same as Act II. 
 Act V. — The same as previous scene. 
 
 ONE ON DICK 
 
 A Comedy in Two Acts 
 By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
 Six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one easy interior. Plays 
 one hour. Free of royalty. Just as the girls are trying on their costumes 
 for amateur theatricals in the absence of their parents, who disapprove of 
 such things, Aunt Elizabeth unexpectedly arrives on a visit, and simply 
 has to be kept in the dark. Her confusion over the strange crowd into 
 which she is plunged, and Evelyn's frantic search for some indiscreet 
 letters that happen to be on the premises, afford a very amusing and ex- 
 citing hour. Colored comedy character. Recommended. 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
BAKER'S COMIC AND DIALECT SPEAKER 
 
 One hundred and forty-three selections in prose and verse in Negro and 
 Irish Dialect. 262 pages. 
 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 BAKER'S PATRIOTIC SPEAKER 
 
 Seventy-six of the best patriotic selections in prose and verse. 149 
 pages. 
 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 BAKER'S HUMOROUS SPEAKER 
 
 One hundred and sixty-four selections in prose and verse in Yankee 
 English, French, German and Scotch dialect. 307 pages. 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 SELECTIONS FROM STANDARD AUTHORS 
 
 Nearly one hundred popular selections, comprising gems from the best 
 American and English writers. 240 pages. 
 Price, j •j cents 
 
 GEORGE RIDDLE'S READINGS 
 
 A collection of the selections identified with this popular reader, in- 
 cluding many not obtainable in any other form. 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 PIECES PEOPLE PRAISE 
 
 Serious, Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic and Dramatic 
 One hundred selections in prose and verse. Over 200 pages. 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 PIECES PEOPLE RECOMMEND 
 
 Serious, Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic, and Dramatic 
 One hundred selections in prose and verse. Over 200 pages. 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 ENCORE PIECES 
 
 And Other Recitations 
 Seventy-three selections in prose and verse. 210 pages. 
 Price, jo cents 
 
 Any book in this catalogue sent post paid by mail 
 on receipt of price 
 
 Walter H. Baker & Co., 5 Hamilton Place 
 
 BOSTON, MASS. 
 
c 
 
 
 THE ELOPEMENT OF ELLEN 
 
 A Farce Comedy in Three Acts by Marie J. Warren. Four males, 
 three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior and one exte- 
 rior. Plays an hour and a half. A bright and ingenious little play, ad- 
 mirably suited for amateur acting. Written for and originally produced 
 by Wellesley College girls. Strongly recommended. 
 . Price y 25 cents 
 
 st 
 
 £ A VIRGINIA HEROINE 
 
 A A Comedy in Three Acts by Susie G. McGlone. Eleven female char- 
 
 of acters. Scenery, easy ; costumes, modern. Plays one hour and forty-five 
 
 minutes. Irish and Negro comedy parts, and two character parts ; most 
 
 of the characters young. A very easy and interesting play for girls, well 
 
 suited for school performance. Romantic interest with lots of comedy. 
 
 ,, Price, 23 cents 
 
 OUR CHURCH FAIR 
 
 q A Farcical Entertainment in Two Acts by Jessie A. Kelley. Twelve 
 
 ]y females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour and 
 
 a quarter. A humorous picture of the planning of the annual church fair 
 rp Dy the ladies of the sewing circle. Full of local hits and general human 
 
 ^ nature, and a sure laugh-producer in any community. Can be reconv 
 
 n mended. Price, 23 cents 
 
 ALL CHARLEY'S FAULT 
 
 A Farce in Two Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, three females. 
 Scenery, an easy interior ; costumes, modern. Plays two hours. A very 
 lively and laughable piece, full of action and admirably adapted for ama- 
 teur performance. Dutch and Negro comedy characters. Plays very 
 rapidly with lots of incident and not a dull moment. Strongly recom 
 mended. Price, ij cents 
 
 HOW THE STORY GREW 
 
 An Entertainment for Women's Clubs in One Act by O. W. Gleason. 
 Eight female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant ; may 
 be given on a platform without any. Plays forty-five minutes. A very 
 easy and amusing little piece, full of human nature and hitting off a well- 
 known peculiarity of almost any community. Written for middle-aged 
 women, and a sure hit with the audience. Price, ij cents 
 
 i THE COUNTRY DOCTOR 
 
 A Comedy Drama in Four Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, five 
 
 females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours*. 
 
 } Easy to stage and full of interest. The female parts are the stronger, being 
 
 exceptionally good. Negro and " hayseed " comedy parts. A very strong 
 
 dramatic piece. Can be recommended. Price, 23 cents 
 
 JAN 2 3 19 
 
OF CONGRESS # 
 
 022 2046580 
 
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