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Copyrighted by A. J. FiSHBR, 34 Vesey street. New York, 1879. 
 
 Splendid Misery. 
 
 A FARCE, IN ONE ACT. 
 
 Introducing Singing, Dancing, and Funny Business. Time of represen 
 tation : Forty-five minutes. 
 
 BY SAUL SERTREW, 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Mabel Stebbins. Laura De Mar. 
 
 Captain De Walden. Robert Gordon. 
 
 [Costumes of the present day.} 
 
 SCENE. — A drawing room nicely furnished. Large door C, 
 leading to a conservatory. French windows with red cur- 
 tains to the Jloor R. and L. 2d E. lounge, R. chairs, &C 
 Enter Mabel and Laura C. D. Mabel in tears and 
 handkerchief to her eyes; both come forward. 
 
 Laura — Why, Mabel ; what has made you so unhappy ? 
 
 Mabel — Oh, Laura ! I am most miserable and wretched ! 
 I have received a note this morning informing me of the ar- 
 rival of Captain De Walden, a gentleman whom my father 
 has selected to be my husband, and I have never seen him in 
 my life, and my father says I must marry with him, whether I 
 love him or not, and when once my father has formed a reso- 
 lution nothing can change his mind, and he has gone to meet 
 . this Captain, and will return with him to-morrow. 
 
 Laura — Why, this is dreadful, Mabel ; to be obliged to 
 marry with a person whom you have never seen and don't 
 know whether you could love him or not. 
 
 Mabel — The Captain's father is an old friend of my father, 
 
 and it appears they formed the plan when the Capt^n and 
 
 .myself were children. Still, I would not feel so bad about it 
 
 j£f_l_had seen the Captain and knew more of him._ I don't 
 
2 
 
 know what he's like, or anything about him, only what my 
 father has told me, and I think it is no more than right that 
 I should have the chance of seeing b'm and know more of 
 him before such plans were consummated. 
 
 Laura — Yes, Mabel, you should have seen the gentleman 
 by all means, and know more of him, before entertaining him 
 with a view to marriage ; you don't know whether he's good 
 looking or homely, whether he's cross-eyed or hump-backed, 
 etcetera, etcetera. You fancy that he is some horrible crea- 
 ture that you could never love or be happy with, because 
 you have never seen this gentleman that your father says you 
 must marry at all hazards. 
 
 Mabel — Yes. Oh, if I could only manage some way to 
 sec him without his knowing who I am ; I would give all I 
 possess in this world ! 
 
 Laura — You say your father has gone on to meet him ? 
 
 Mabel — Yes ; but this note informs me that the Captain 
 has arrived a day baforc he expected, and he will be here this 
 afternoon. There's nobody home but me and the servants, 
 and I feel so embarrassed I am afraid I will not be able to 
 receive him with that courtesy due to his wealth and station, 
 and if my father should know that I slighted him he would 
 be very angry and unhappy. 
 
 Laura (anxious) — I have it ! I've got a plan that will ac- 
 complish all you desire, The Captain has arrived a day 
 sooner than was expected. Your father has gone on to meet 
 him and won't return till to-morrow. That will keep your 
 father away for a day certain ; and you expect the Captain 
 tliis afternoon. Nov/ we may yet have time to arrange the 
 plan, which will surely meet with success, and give you a 
 splendid opportunity of seeing this gentleman without his 
 knowledge — if you arc willing to enter in the plot. 
 
 Mabel — I will do anything you say that will afford me the 
 opportunity to see this gentleman without his knowledge. 
 l^ Laura — Well, I propose to change places with you, and 
 
3 
 
 N fgq&Sf .this. gfn^|e9^ whm he.calls. I wiU personate, yptf • 
 and entertain him with all the honor due his station ; and he 
 won't be any the wiser as to who I am, 
 
 Mabel — And bow shall I be able to see him without being 
 discovered ? 
 
 Laura — You shall be. my waiting-maid, and I will arrange 
 it so that you can see him and hear him talk to me and make 
 love. You can feast your eyes on him to your heart's con- 
 tent, and he won't be any the wiser as to who you are. We'll 
 have lots of fun, and when we disclose our little, ruse he will 
 erypy the joke immensely. 
 
 Mabel (delighted) — Splendid ! Oh, Laura, you are a genius 
 worthy of the highest honors ! 
 
 Laura— Come ; not a moment is to be lost. We will ar- 
 range our plans at once, and you shall be made happy. 
 
 [Exit D. R., as 
 
 Enter Captain De Walden and Robert Gordon. 
 
 Captain— I understand that the young lady's father has 
 gone on to meet me, he expecting that I should, arrive to-mor- 
 row instead of to-day. I have never seen this young lady, 
 and my father insists on my marrying with her at all sacrifice. 
 As I don- 1 believe in buying a pig in a bag, I have adopted 
 this plan to have an interview and a chance to see her and 
 j for myself as to whether she be a suitable lady for me 
 to make my wife. So, Robert, if you manage your part of 
 this little ruse as I have directed, I think we shall meet with 
 success. I will personate your valet to the best of my ability, 
 and you will arrange it so that I can have an opportunity of 
 seeing this lady as often as possible without her being aware 
 that I am Captain De Walden ; and I shall always remember 
 your kindness in assisting me to accomplish my purpose. 
 
 RpBERT-— Captain, I will do my best to keep up the ruse 
 Cild give you every possible opportunity of seeing her. 
 
 Captain (looking off R.) — Ah ! some one is coming. Let 
 <#ie ready fpr the conflict. (Throws off his cloak an^r ao- 
 
 j 
 
4 
 
 pears in the disgfiise of a valet ; gods to the window and 
 looks out) -as 
 
 Enter MABEL in disguise of a lady's maid. 
 
 Mabel (addressing Robert)— My lady is waiting to receive 
 you. (Bows him to the door R., and comes forward.) Oh, I 
 don't like his appearance a bit — he is not my style of a man 
 at all. (Discovers the valet.) His valet is a much better- 
 looking man and of a more noble bearing. I will question 
 him as to the Captain. (Goes to him.) Ahem ! You are 
 Captain De Walden's valet, I believe. 
 
 Captain (turns around and bows. Aside — Now I'm in for 
 it ; she will bore me with all kinds of questions. Well, I will 
 be as agreeable and jolly as possible. Bows politely) — Ah, I 
 beg pardon ; yes, miss, I am Captain de Walden's valet, and 
 my name is Robert. 
 
 Mabel — I am my lady's maid, and my name is Laura. 
 
 Captain (bowing) — I am very happy to make your ac- 
 quaintance. (Both come forward.) 
 
 Mabel — You have had a long journey : I hope it was a. 
 pleasant one. 
 
 Captain — Yes, my dear lady. (Hesitates, aside — Confound 
 it, I musn't address her as dear lady, she's only a waiting 
 maid.) Yes, miss, we had a long journey, and arrived here a 
 day sooner than we expected. Our passage was a very pleas- 
 ant one ; I had lots of fun singing, dancing, and such jolly 
 company, it made the time pass very pleasant. 
 
 Mabel — Oh, I delight in good jolly company when one is 
 traveling. Oh, it is so pleasant to meet with friends who are 
 agreeable and can make themselves enjoyable ! I dislike for- 
 mality and reserved customs. I like to see people enjoy the 
 pleasures of this life. 
 
 Captain — Yes, that's my idea exactly ! I have seen so 
 <much of these reserved customs and formalities of society 
 that I am glad to get away from such scenes and mingle with 
 those that are more natural. 
 
 Mabel — I suppose the Captain is -a proud and reserved! 
 
gfcntlemari, who Seldom" mingles with those who are more free 
 and easy in their habits and manners. 
 
 Captain — Well, he may have the appearance of being 
 that kind of a gentleman ; but as you get more acquainted 
 with him he is inclined to be very jolly, and enjoys a good 
 joke and pleasant company as well as any one. You should 
 hear him make an after-dinner speech ! (Makes gestures of a 
 person making a speech, or delivers a short speech appropri- 
 ate to the occasion.) And you should hear him sing. 
 
 Mabel — I should like to hear him sing. I enjoy a good 
 
 song. 
 
 CAPTAIN — His favorite "song was — (sings song appropriate). 
 
 Mabel (delighted and aside — Why, he's a splendid singer ! 
 What a pity he's a valet. I'm almost in love with him.)— A 
 eery pretty song, and you have an excellent voice for singing. 
 "Captain — And you should hear him spout Shakespeare! 
 You recollect the balcony scene in "Romeo and Juliet?" 
 (Aside — Confound it, no ; of course she don't ; she's only a 
 lady's waiting maid, how could she.) 
 
 Mabel — Yes, I remember the scene ; something after this 
 style : (They give a sketch of the scene, or any recitation 
 tliey feel disposed to offer suitable to the occasion.) 
 
 Captain — And you should see him dance ! Oh, when I 
 think of the jolly fun we had dancing and singing on our 
 journey, I fancy now I am whirling in the gay and festive 
 dance to the sweet strains of the enchanting music. (Dances 
 about.) 
 
 Mabel (delighted, aside — Oh, he's a splendid fellow. If 
 the Captain was like him I should fall dead in love with him 
 at once. In fact, I think I've lost my heart already; this 
 valet has completely turned my head.) — Oh, I am very fond of 
 dancing. Suppose we have a little dance. (They both dance 
 as comic as possible.) [Exit, as 
 
 Enter Laura and Robert, R. D. 
 . Robert (amazed) — My valet seems to be enjoying himself! 
 Laura — And my lady's mjiid aj^o,. i .like tQ see people. 
 
 5 
 
e 
 
 hippy. I am very fond of dancing, and I feel as if I should 
 enjoy one myself. (Both waltz about, as the Captain enters 
 unobserved and secrets himself behind window curtain R.) 
 
 Captain (aside from curtain) — Oh, she is not the style of a 
 woman I admire. I would prefer the lady's maid by ail odds.) 
 (Robert and Laura promenade around.) 
 
 Robert — I hope my dear lady is not fatigued. (Enter 
 Mabel unobserved and secrets herself behind the window 
 curtain L.) 
 
 Laura — Oh, no ! I could dance all night, I enjoy it so 
 much. (Both seat themselves on the lounge.) I regret very 
 much that my father is absent, and I'm afraid you will pass a 
 very quiet time ; I am such dull company. 
 
 Robert — Oh, not in the least, my dear lady, I am perfectly 
 at home and feel very happy in your company. Are you fond 
 of singirg? 
 
 Laura — I'm afraid my singing would bore you. I am 
 somewhat out of practice. (Both, come forward.) 
 
 Robert — Oh, no, dear lady ! I should enjoy your singing. 
 (She sings, or both can sing a duet or opera. After song 
 Robert applaudes her.) Bravo ! bravo ! Your voice is 
 splendid 1 
 
 Captain (aside, from curtain) — Horrible ! horrible ! The 
 worst I ever heard. I will go in search of the lady's maid. 
 
 [Exit in haste C. D. R. 
 
 Mabel (from curtain) — Oh, I'm afraid I will be discovered; 
 I had better retire. [Exit C. D. L. 
 
 Robert — Your voice and singing reminds me of a lady 
 friend I once knew in Paris some years ago. She was about 
 to enter the Conservatory of Music, and I was leaving College. 
 On my first introduction to you I was surprised at the resem- 
 blance you bear to her, and I was almost certain that you and 
 her were the same person. Her name was Laura de Mar. 
 
 Laura (confused, aside) — Why, that's my own name ! Can 
 it be possible I have met this gentleman before ? (Looks at 
 
7 
 
 him anxiously ; aloud} — I have been in Paris, and received in- 
 struction in singing at the Conservatory. 
 
 Robert (anxious)— And did you know of a young lady by 
 the name of Laura de Mar ? Oh, I should love so much to 
 meet her again ! 
 
 Laura — Yes, I am well acquainted with a lady of that 
 name. We were very intimate ; but I never heard her men- 
 tion the name of Captain de Walden. 
 
 Robert (annoyed, aside — Confound it ! I have got myself 
 in a mess, assuming this name of the Captain. I shall never 
 be able to find Laura, and I'd give the world to know of her 
 whereabouts. I wish I hadn't undertaken this business of 
 Captain de Walden 's.) Perhaps she has forgotten the circum- 
 stance and how we became acquainted. 
 
 Laura— No, I scarcely believe she would have forgotten 
 such an event, or kept it a secret from mc, as wc were like 
 one and the same person, and had no secrets. I have often 
 heard her speak of a gentleman by the name of Robert 
 Gordon. 
 
 Robert (elated) — Robert Gordon ! Yes, that's my name ! 
 I am Tie ! 
 
 Laura (delighted)— What I You are Robert Gordon, my 
 dear friend that I knew in Paris ? 
 
 Robert (overjoyed) — Yes, I am Robert Gordon ! And 
 you are— 
 
 Laura— Laura Le Mar ! (Both embrace.) 
 
 Robert (in ecstacy) — Oh, my dear Laura! My own, my 
 sweet Laura ! (They kiss and hug each other very fondly.) 
 
 Mabel (appears at C. D. unobserved, and throws up her 
 hands in astonishment. Aside' — Goodness gracious ! They 
 have fallen in love in dead earnest. Now, what will become 
 of ine ? Oh, I shall faint if I stay here another moment. 
 
 [Exit quickly R. C. D., as 
 
 . - - . ■ 
 
 Enter the CAPTAIN. He stops suddenly a?id stares in amaze* 
 ment at Laura and ROBERT unobserved. 
 
 eAWiii«^BIe%s"niy Stars ! What treachery is this ? Rob- 
 
8 
 
 ert kissing and hugging my intended wife ! Oh, I will be re- 
 venged ! revenged ! [Exits quickly C. D. L. 
 .Laura — Now, Robert, how is it you visit here under the 
 name of Captain de Walden ? 
 
 Robert (confused, aside — Confound it ! In my delight of 
 meeting with Laura, I have forgotten that I was Captain De 
 Walden,) The fact is, my dear Laura, I — I left Paris on a 
 flying visit to this place to see an old friend on business, and 
 I met one of my college chums by the name of Captain De 
 Walden, who was about to visit this house. Having arrived 
 a day sooner than he expected, he requested me to call here, 
 on my way to see my friend, and mention to these people that 
 he had arrived, but would not be here till to-morrow ; and by 
 some mistake I handed in the card of Captain De Walden 
 instead of my own. I hope you will explain my unfortunate 
 mistake, as I was not aware of my blunder until the present 
 moment. Nevertheless, I am overjoyed with the circumstance 
 that has been the means of my meeting with you in this un- 
 expected manner. 
 
 Laura (annoyed, aside-— Oh, this is an unfortunate turn of 
 affairs! What shall I say to Mabel? What a disappoint- 
 ment this will be for her. I must endeavor to break the news 
 to her before it is too late, or something serious may occur.) 
 Some one is coming this way, Robert ; let us retire to the 
 library, and I will speak with you further in regard to this 
 affair. [Both Exit D. R., as 
 
 Enter MABEL. 
 
 Mabel — Well, well ; things have come to a pretty pass ! 
 Laura has evidently fallen in love with the Captain ; and how 
 this ruse will end I am at a loss lo know. I am afraid some- 
 thing serious will happen, and I will get myself into trouble. 
 I have actually fallen in love with the Captain's valet, and 
 my heart's all ablaze ! Here I am, surrounded with splendor 
 and luxury, and yet I am miserable and wretched. I have 
 found the man I love, and my position will not permit of me 
 marrying with him. My father would disown me, and society 
 
9 
 
 would scorn and shun me. Oh, I wonder what is keeping. 
 
 Laura? 
 
 Enter LAURA. 
 
 LAURA — Oh, Mabel ! I am so glad to find you ! 
 
 Mabel— And I was just going in search of you ! Now, 
 come and tell me all about the Captain and what you think 
 of him. 
 
 Laura — Oh ! I think he is horrible ! The most ugly and 
 uncouth person I ever saw! Oh, he is terrible! He is no 
 more fit to be your husband than an orang-utang ! ; 
 
 Mabel (aside — There is some treachery.) Oh, this is dread- 
 ful ; and he is the man my father wishes me to marry ! 
 
 Laura — He's got an impediment in his speech ! He's got 
 a wart on his nose ! And I think his hair is red but he dyes 
 it — and worst of all, he's got a wooden arm ! And he is the 
 most horribly ill-bred man I ever saw ! 
 
 Mabel — But, Laura, I heard him sing to you, and I 
 thought his voice was splendid. 
 
 Laura — That's just how I discovered he had an impedi- 
 ment in his speech — he put something in his mouth to keep 
 his tongue straight. 
 
 Mabel — And I saw you hug and kiss him very affection- 
 ately ! 
 
 LAURA — That's how I discovered he had a wooden arm. 
 
 Mabel — Goodness gracious ! What will become of me? If 
 I marry with this man I shall go mad ? I am horrified at this 
 description of Captain de Walden ! And, worse than all, I 
 am dead in love with his valet ! 
 
 Laura — You might better marry with his valet. than sacri- 
 fice yourself to this horrid monster of a Captain De Walden ! 
 
 Mabel — But you forget, my dear Laura ; my position will 
 not permit me to marry with a valet. My father would dis- 
 own me ! No, I must not deceive my father ; my doom is 
 sealed ; there is no other alternative — I must marry' with this 
 Captain de Walden ! 
 
 Laura. (horrified)— .What ! You don't mean to say you have 
 
10 
 
 made up your mind to marry this horrible demon, Captain 
 De Walden ? 
 
 Mabel — I have, and When once I make up my mind noth- 
 ing can change my purpose. I will marry him though he 
 were as ugly as a rhinoceros ! Yes, I am resolved. Come, 
 lead me to him, and let me malce myself known. 
 
 Laura (in agony, aside — Oh, what shall I do ? I will be 
 ruined and disgraced if my deception is discovered.) Oh, 
 Mabel ! Mabel ! let me beseech you not to commit this rash 
 act ! (Falls on her knees before her.) Your life would be 
 most miserable and wretched were you to marry this man ! 
 Rather than see you make this sacrifice I would marry with 
 hitn myself and free you from the misery and torture you 
 would suffer. He has disclosed his love for me, and would 
 marry me without a doubt ; and then you would be free from 
 this monster that your father has chosen for your husband ! 
 
 Mabel (angry) — What ! You are willing to marry this 
 monster that you have described so terribly to me? You 
 think he is not good enough for me, and yet would marry 
 with him yourself. No 1 if he is good enough for you he is 
 good enough for me ; and if there is any sacrifice to be made 
 I will make it myself. I will go and change my dress and 
 present myself to him in proper person and meet my fate. 
 (Going off.) Come ; if you will not go with me I shall go 
 alone. 
 
 Laura — Oh, Mabel ! Mabel ! Consider the sacrifice you 
 are about to make ; do not commit this rash act ; wait till the 
 return of your father, and he may yet change his mind as to 
 this man, and all will be well ! 
 
 MABEL (resolute) — I have considered, and shall wait no 
 longer. I am resolved ; I am going to meet my fate I 
 
 [Exit D. C. up Right. 
 
 LAURA (in despair}— Oh, mercy ! What shall I do ? 1 
 must go and find Robert and explain my terrible situation ! 
 
 [Exit D. R., as 
 Enttr Captain C. D. 
 Captain (Jooklng off to the right and kissing his hand; 
 
It 
 
 edrnes down center)-— There she goes, the sunshine of my 
 
 life ; the only woman I ever loved — and she's a lady's maid ! 
 
 Oh, that some good fairy would use the power of her magic 
 
 wand and change this woman's position to one equal td my 
 
 own, if only for a day, and I would marry her at Once ! Here 
 
 am I living in splendor and luxury, and cannot marry the 
 
 woman I love ! No ; my father would disinherit me, arid 
 
 society shun me, were I to marry with a lady's maid. Oh, 
 
 this splendid misery will drive me mad ! Oh, where can 
 
 Robert be ? Why does he stay away so long? 
 
 Enter Robert C. D. in haste. 
 
 Robert (anxiously) — Oh, Captain ; I am so glad I found 
 
 you ! 
 Captain— And I was just wondering where you could be. 
 
 Now come and tell me all about your interview with this lady. 
 
 and what you think of her. 
 
 Robert— I think she is the most horrible creature I ever 
 met in my life ! Oh, she's a perfect hyena, and no more suited 
 to be your wife than a powder monkey is to be a general. 
 
 Captain (horrified)— Goodness gracious ! You terrify me ; 
 you fill me with horror ! 
 
 Robert — She's got false teeth ; she is padded from head 
 to foot ; she's got false hair ; one of her eyes is glass, and I 
 think she's got a cork leg. 
 
 Captain— Oh, Robert ! Robert ! If this be true, and I am 
 obliged to marry with this woman, I shall lose my senses. 
 
 Robert — She wears a number nine shoe, and her hand is 
 like a butter ladle. She will have her way in spite of every- 
 thing ; she's a perfect tartar ; and if ever you cross her, you're 
 a dead man, sure ; I don't think she'd stop short. of murder. 
 Her voice is like the squeak of a guinea hen, and when she 
 laughs her ears flop like the wings of a sea-gull. 
 
 Captain (aside — There is something rotten in Denmark ; 
 there is treachery here.) But, Robert, I heard her sing to 
 you, and I thought her voice was splendid. 
 
 RcJbert^Nq, it's a falsetto; it's the way. her teeth, are 
 
12 
 
 constructed. And- the whistling sound that comes through 
 
 her nose ! 
 
 Captain — And I saw you kissing her very fondly. 
 
 Robert — That's the way I discovered she had false teeth. 
 My mustache became entangled with them, and I almost 
 pulled them out of her mouth. She fainted away, and while 
 bathing her face her wig fell off, and her head was as bare as 
 a billiard ball. 
 
 Captain (terrified) — Oh, Robert ! Robert ! Say no more ! 
 Your description of this woman will drive me to an insane 
 asylum. And, what is more, I have fallen desperately in love 
 with her lady's maid. 
 
 Robert — Then you had better marry with her lady's maid 
 than sacrifice yourself to this horrible creature that your 
 father has selected for your wife. 
 
 Captain (indignant)— But you forget, sir ; my position will 
 not allow me to marry with a lady's maid ! No, there is but 
 one alternative for me — I must marry with this horrible 
 creature that you have so terribly described. 
 
 Robert (horrified) — What ! You don't mean to say you 
 have resolved to marry with this hyena of a woman and 1 
 a life of misery and wretchedness ? 
 
 Captain — I am resolved ! . Though she were as ugly as a 
 porcupine I must marry with her, rather than disobey the 
 wishes of my father ; and when once I make a resolution, 
 there is nothing can change me ! Come, lead me to her and 
 let me meet my fate. 
 
 Robert (terrified) — No ! no ! Captain, you must not sacri- 
 fice yourself to this woman ! Rather than see you marry with 
 her and lead a life of torture and misery, I would marry with 
 her myself and free you from this horrible creature! Wait 
 till the return of her father, and something may yet be done 
 to prevent this terrible sacrifice. Do not commit this rash 
 att I She has expressed a love for me, and would marry me 
 without a doubt, and then you would be free. Wait ! wait ! 
 Tbeg-of you ; consider the sacrifice you are about-to.make ! 
 
is 
 
 CAPTAIN — I have considered, and I shall wait no longer. 
 I am determined to meet my fate, come what may. I will go 
 and present myself in proper person. [Exit D. L. 
 
 Robert (in despair) — Stay ! Stay ! Captain ! Oh, he has 
 
 gone ! What shall I do ? I must away and find Laura, and 
 
 consult with her. [Exit D. R., as 
 
 Enter Mabel C. D. 
 
 Mabel (dressed the same as Laura, and fanning herself 
 rapidly) — I must try and be composed and meet this horrible 
 Captain, and be as agreeable as the circumstances will per- 
 mit. Yes, my doom is sealed. I will comply with the wishes 
 of my father, and entertain him to the best of my ability. 
 (Seats herself on the lounge) as 
 
 Enter Robert. 
 
 Robert (goes to her) — Oh, Laura ; I am so glad I found 
 you ! I have something I wish to disclose to you at once. 
 
 Mabel (aside) — He takes me for Laura ! She has person- 
 ated me and used her own name. I will keep up the ruse ; I 
 may learn something to my advantage. 
 
 Robert (falls on his knees before her) — Oh, Laura, say that 
 you will be mine, and let us fly from this place ; I can remain 
 no longer. I must return to Paris at once ! 
 
 Mabel — But why this sudden departure? Why do you 
 leave this place so soon ? (Laura appears at C. D.) 
 
 Robert — I love but you, and only you ! Say that you will 
 be mine and fly with me, and I will explain all ! 
 
 Laura (throws up her hands in astonishment) — Oh, mercy 1 
 What do I see? What do I hear? Yes ; 'tis Robert ! and at 
 the feet of Mabel, declaring his love for her ! Oh, this is ter- 
 rible ! (Puts her hand to head in despair.) I shall go mad ! 
 mad ! [Exit up C. D. 
 
 Mabel (looks off )— Some one is coming this way. Let us 
 retire to the library. <r 3 [Both Exit C. D. Left.'ag 
 
 . Enter LAURA, looking after them; comes forward. 
 . Laura— There they go, arm in arm, like old lovers. Oh, 
 ray haart will break ! This man swore his love for mej and. 
 
V* 
 
 now he has deceived me ! Oh, I must leave this place at 
 once, I can remain no longer. (Goes to C. D., looks off, and 
 quickly returns.) Some one is coming this way, and it is he 1 
 (Seats herself on lounge.) I shall never speak to him agaiu. 
 Enter Captain in full uniform, same as Robert. 
 
 Captain (comes forward putting on gloves) — I have thrown 
 off my disguise, and I will now appear in proper person and 
 make myself known to this lady and ask her forgiveness. 
 (Discovers Laura.) Ah, there is the lady herself ; I wasn't 
 aware of her presence. Now I will meet my fate. (Goes to 
 her.) My dear lady, circumstances have, occurred that may 
 seem strange and mysterious to you, but I have come to offer 
 you an apology and to ask your forgiveness. 
 
 Laura— Sir, I don't wish to listen to you any further. I 
 have seen enough to convince me that you arc a base deceiver. 
 
 Captain (falls on his knees before her) — Oh, no, my dear 
 lady ! I beg you to listen to me ! Do not turn away from 
 me ; hear what I have to say, I beseech you ! (Robert ap- 
 pears at C. D., and stands amazed.) 
 
 Robert— What do I see ? No ! Yes ! It is she, Laura ! 
 Listening to the appeals of love from the Captain, who is at 
 her feet imploring her to hear him ! Puts hands to his head.) 
 Oh, this treachery will drive me mad ! Oh, woman, woman ! 
 thy name is frailty ! [Exits up R. C. D. 
 
 Laura (arising and angry) — No, sir. I wish you to leave 
 me at once. I have discovered you do not love me, and I 
 will listen to you no further. [Exit hurriedly C. D. L. 
 
 Captain (dismayed)— rShe's gone, without a word of ex- 
 planation from mc ! I see it all ! This Robert has deceived 
 me ; he has misrepresented mc to serve his own purpose. I 
 will be revenged ! revenged ! (Strides up and down in a 
 rage) as 
 Enter Mabel C. Z> m in haste, fanning herself rr.pidly; ivalki 
 
 up and down quickly, in opposite direction to the CAPTAIN. 
 
 Mabel — Oh, I am most miserable and wretched — Laura 
 has deceived me ; I shall never speak to her again 1 I hate 
 
her? I could tear her eyes outl Yes, I will be, revenged! 
 revenged / 
 
 Captain (discovers her; aside — Goodness gracious! She 
 has returned, and in a terrible passion. Oh, I must speak to 
 her at all hazards.) 
 
 Mabel (discovers Captain N — Ah, here is the Captain. 
 
 Captain (goes to her) — My dear lady, I hope you will 
 listen to the explanation I am about to offer. (Hesitates and 
 looks anxiously at her.) 
 
 Mabel (astonished ; aside — Mercy ! that voice is familiar to 
 me ! This is not the person that addressed me before !) My 
 dear sir — ^hesitates and looks anxiously at him.) 
 
 Captain (astonished; — I beg pardon, my dear lady, I hope 
 you will excuse my confusion, but I am under the impression 
 that I have seen your face before, and I can't recall for the 
 moment just when or where it Was. 
 
 Mabel — And I am under the same impression as to you. 
 I beg pardon, I had quite forgotten— I have a message to 
 send. Is your valet convenient ? 
 
 Captain (confused ; aside— Goodness gracious ! I had for- 
 gotten all about that I had a valet ! Confound it, what shall 
 I say ?) I beg pardon^ madam, I — I think he is with your 
 lady's maid. 
 
 Mabel (surprised) — My lady's maid ! (Aside and annoyed 
 — Mercy ! I had forgotten all about my being a lady's maid ! 
 But he is not the Captain I saw this morning. Oh, if I could 
 only see his valet.) Captain, perhaps your Yalet may be ia 
 the library. 
 
 Captain — I will go and see, my dear lady. 
 
 Mabel— And I will accompany you. (Aside) I must see 
 
 his. valet. (Both going off.) 
 
 Captain (aside) — I must see her lady's maid. 
 
 [Both Exit C. D. R., as 
 
 Enter LAURA hurriedly, followed by Robert ; both excited. 
 
 Robert (pleading) — Oh, Laura! Laura! Why do you tre^t 
 
 me so ? 'What have I done to cause this indifference ? 
 
Id 
 
 Laura (indignant) — Enough, sir' you have basely deceived 
 me ! I saw you at the feet of my friend Mabel, and heard 
 you vow your love for her. 
 
 • Robert (amazed) — You saw me at the feet of your friend 
 Mabel ? I know of no such person ! But may be you can 
 inform me why you listened to the appeals of love from Cap- 
 tain De Walden, who was kneeling at your feet a short time 
 ago! 
 
 Laura (surprised, aloud) — Captain De Walden ! I know 
 of no person of that name ! 
 
 Enter Captain and Mabel C. D. 
 
 Captain — I am here, at your service. 
 
 Laura (amazed) — Mabel ! 
 
 Mabel — Yes, Laura, this is Captain De Walden — that hor- 
 rible monster, with a wart on his nose, aad a wooden arm ! 
 (Laughs aloud.) Ha ! ha ! ha ! Splendid joke ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 CAPTAIN — Robert, this is that horrid creature that has false 
 teeth, wears a wig, and has a voice like the squeak of a 
 guinea hen ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! Splendid joke ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 But I forgive you, my boy ; for I feel so happy I could forgive 
 a world of misdemeanors. 
 
 Mabel (goes to Laural — And I freely forgive you, my dear 
 Laura, and love you more than ever. 
 
 Captain (to Mabel) — And now, my dear Mabel, it only 
 "remains for you to consent to be my wife, and I will be the 
 happiest man alive. 
 
 Mabel — Well if that will make you happy — I am yours. 
 (Both embrace.) 
 
 ROBERT (to Laura)— And now, my dear Laura, it only 
 remains for you to consent to be my wife, and I will be the 
 happiest man alive. 
 
 Laura — Well, if that will make you happy — I am yours. 
 (Both embrace.) 
 
 Mabel — And now let us join in a merry dance, and then 
 to dinner. 
 
 Captain — And while we enjoy our feast we won't forget 
 ike cause of our •' Splendid Misery." (All dance off.) 
 
 Curtain, 
 
DDX M DE 
 
 OWG T3 O O WL S 
 
 Jenny Hughes' Dolly Warden. 
 
 Squeeze Me, Joe. 
 
 johnny Wild's Dat Settles Dat. 
 
 Jennie Engle's Grand Parade. 
 
 Sheridan & Mack's Character. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Mulcahy Twins. 
 
 Johnny Roarh's (ireatest. 
 
 Kiss Behind the Door. 
 
 Delehanty A Hengler's Songs, &c. 
 
 Miles .Morris' Irish Gems. 
 
 Foy Sisters Songster. 
 
 McKee A Rogers' Rebecca Jane. 
 
 Jennie Engle's Serio Comic. 
 
 The Fielding's Songster. 
 
 Wayne it Lovely's Acrobatic. 
 
 Johnny Roach '8 Emerald. 
 
 I want to go Home to Mama. 
 
 Luke Schoolcraft's Shine on. 
 
 Billy Cotton's Old Black J 
 
 Delehantv A Hengler's Loi 
 
 Billie & Maggie Ray's Did Log Cabin. 
 
 Mc.\mlrew's Water Melon Man. 
 
 Johnny Roach's Its Funny when you Keel, Ac. 
 
 llarrigau A Hart's Mulligan Guards. 
 
 Walters and Morton's My Gal. 
 
 Billy Carter's Oreat Banjo Solo. 
 
 Johnson & Power's Little Moke. 
 
 Jennie Engle's Favorite Songs. 
 
 Shoot the Hat. 
 
 Freeman Sisters' On Board the Mary Jane. 
 
 Jennie Hughes' I Should Like To. 
 
 Woman's Temperance. 
 
 (ins Williams' Belle of the Ball. 
 
 The Fieldings' Tlpperary Couple. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Torn Collins. 
 
 Wild A Bradley's big Fat Nance. 
 
 Larry Tooley's Bouncing Dutchman. 
 
 Harrigan & Hart's Regular Army. 
 
 Ain't jou Awful. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Patrick's Day Parade, 
 
 Arnold Brothers' Jig, Song and Dance. 
 
 Diamond A Ryan's Irish Hod Carriers. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Mulligan Grds ('2d An. Prde) 
 
 Sand lord A Wilson's Musical Mokes. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Skidinore Guards. 
 
 Bills Courtwright's Flewy, Flewy, Flewy Sngstr 
 
 Harper A Stausill's One Legged Songster. 
 
 Fielding's Irish Domestics Songster. 
 
 Tony Pastor's Traveling Soliifster. 
 
 Jenny Morgan's Kiss Songster. 
 
 Foy Sisters Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. 
 
 Wild A Bradley Theatre Comique. 
 
 Alice Harrison's Olympic. 
 
 B;lly Carter's Champion Banjo. 
 
 Cool Burgess' Nicodennis Johnson. 
 
 Alice Bennett's Laughing Eyes. 
 
 Richmond Sister's Challenge Song and Dance. 
 
 Harrigan A Htrt's Day we Celebrate. 
 
 Dr. J. L. Thayer's Laugh and Grow Fat, Ac. 
 
 Sheridan A Mack's Knocking on de Outside, Ac. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Gallant 69lh. 
 
 T. M. Hengler's Fun in the Kitchen. 
 
 Delehanty A Cummiugs' Sunset in the South. 
 
 Rollin Howard's Dramatic. 
 
 C. L Davis' Dutch Song and Dance. 
 
 Johnson A Bruno's Mania Monia Nigs. 
 
 Sam Devere's Caricature Song. 
 
 Miles Morris' Roger O'Malley. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Blue and Grav. 
 
 Harper A Stansill's Sweet June Rose. 
 
 Ada Richmond's Wait Till Moonlight Falls, Ac. 
 
 Pat Rooney's O'Reilly You're N. G. 
 
 La Verd Sisters Sailing on the Lake. 
 
 Ella Wesner's King of Trumps. 
 
 T. M. Hengler's Sweet Aleen. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Hildebraud Montrose. 
 
 Jolly Nash's Our Boys. 
 
 Tierney A Croniu's Ashantee Recruits. 
 
 Big Four, Lester, Allen. Smith A Waldron. 
 
 The Murray's Drops of BJaruey. 
 
 Western A Waiting's Just as You See us Now. 
 
 Am. Team, Wayne, Lovely, Cotton A Birdue. 
 
 Jakey Woolfingstein. 
 
 Larry Tooley's Turn DownWour Collar 
 
 Bennett A Kerneli's Across the Raging Waters. 
 
 Foster A Dudley 's Irish Clog. Song and Danee. 
 
 61. 
 BO. 
 
 Ml. 
 
 92. 
 93. 
 
 H4. 
 95. 
 
 M7. 
 
 98. 
 
 MM. 
 
 100. 
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 106. 
 
 UI6. 
 1<»7. 
 108. 
 10M. 
 Ill) 
 111. 
 II -J. 
 
 113. 
 114. 
 115. 
 116. 
 117 
 118. 
 119. 
 1 20. 
 121. 
 1 22. 
 I*:*. 
 124. 
 125. 
 1 26. 
 127. 
 12*. 
 129. 
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 133. 
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 14i>. 
 
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 14r.. 
 
 146. 
 
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 149. 
 
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 lyi>. 
 
 153. 
 
 154 
 
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 157. 
 
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 15M. 
 
 160. 
 
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 16-2. 
 
 163. 
 
 164. 
 
 165 
 
 166. 
 
 167. 
 
 168. 
 
 169. 
 
 170. 
 
 171. 
 
 17 '2. 
 
 The Braham's Vocal Characte W 
 Harry Montague's Popular So (A 
 The Fielding's New York. ' ' ' 
 
 Winnett's Love in Broken Gc 
 Sam Martin's One L. _ 
 Jennie Lindsay's Stvle of the 
 Virginia Stickiiey's Parisian V 
 Harrigan A Hart's Theatre Cc 
 Sam Devere's Combination. 
 J. O'Neill's Candidate for Ab 
 Frank Lewis' Hurrah for the ! 
 Will You Love Me When I'm 
 John Reilly's The Way I Mai 
 Billy Pastor's Star Traveling. 
 II. Osborne's A F. Wentworth 
 Johnson A Bruno's Just from 
 Scan Ion A Cronin's Irishmen I 
 Foy Sisters' Branigau Band. 
 Harrigan A Hart's S. O. T. 
 Niles iV. Evans' Two Love L.- 
 Arnold Brotl ers' Triple Clog, 
 
 Kirk A Drew's Mischievous 0,.* t B . 
 
 Sam Devere's A Lean Banana. 
 
 Harry Braham's Silly Bill and Father. 
 
 S«-an Ian .v. Cronin's Poor, but a Gentleman Still. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Slavery Days. 
 
 Dick Sands' Irish Character 
 
 Bryant A Williams' Slender Nil 
 
 Lizzie Braham's Sweet Bye and Bye. 
 
 Delehanty A Hengler's Re-united Serenaders. 
 
 Murray's old and Young. 
 
 Frank L.-wis' Motto Songster. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Gliding Down the Stream. 
 
 Harrigan A. Hart. Walking for dat I 
 
 Jeppe and Fanny Delano's Love at Find 
 
 Clara Moore '8 Character and Descriptl 
 
 Will Morton's Behind the Scenes. 
 
 Kelly A Rvnn'* Bards of Tara. 
 
 Bran New B.g Four. 
 
 Cool Burgess Don't Oct Weary. 
 
 oi ,v Cronili, Dundreary O'Donnell. 
 
 Lvdia Thompson's < )n the Strict Q. T. 
 
 The Peasleys' O'RIelleys' Rattle. 
 
 Girard Brothers' Dancing in the Sunlight. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Sunday Night when, 
 
 Chas. Konollman'a New York Variety. 
 
 Sheehan A Jones' Man of Education. 
 
 Chas Diamond's Milanese Minstrels. 
 
 The Murdoch's Don't You Do It. 
 
 Will. H. Trimble's Specially. 
 
 The Bennett's Kitchen Domestic. 
 
 F. Lewis's Rememher you have Childrei 
 
 Larry Tooley's Mutton Pie. 
 
 Harry Woodson's Gwine Back to Dixie. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Front Stoop. 
 
 The McKee's Dancing in the Barn. 
 
 Worden A Mack's Little Ruby 
 
 Ben Dodge's Don't take any Notice. 
 
 Collyer A Kelly's Buck Goat. 
 
 Delehanty A Hengler's Strawberries ami < 
 
 Fields A Hoey Musical Songster. 
 
 Whoa Emma' 
 
 Harry Montague's At it Again. 
 
 Harrv Bennett'? Charley Flymi. 
 
 Tim Roger's Ain't he a Baby. 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Isle de Blackwell. 
 
 Bobby Newcoml.'s Sweet Forget me Not. 
 
 H. Osborne A F. Wentwo'th's Irish Comedian. 
 
 Duncan Sisters' Down in the Meadows. 
 
 Andy and Annie Hughes Happy Irish Couple. 
 
 Robert McKay's Since der Band was Broken up. 
 
 Will H Morton's America's Coinique. 
 
 J. K Emmet's Lullaby. 
 
 Pat Rooney's Day I Piayed Base Ball 
 
 Seamon A Summers' Hip. Lit. Chil. from the So. 
 
 Queen A Weft's Popular Songster. 
 
 Bennett's Combination. 
 
 Pat Rooney's Day I Walked O'Leary. 
 
 Barlow Brothers' Cabin Floor 
 
 Harrigan A Hart's Such an Education, Ac. 
 
 Delehanty A Hengler's Laugh and Be Merry. 
 
 Jennie Hughes' Cash, Cash Songster. 
 
 Goss A Fox Jubilee Songster. 
 
 Flora Moore's Just Over Songster. 
 
 Foley A Sheft'er's Big Pound Cake Songs! 
 
 A. J. FISHER, PUBLISHER, 24 VESEY STREET, N. Y. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS