Class J5l3£&5 
 Book, -U 6^W^ 
 GopyrightN li_ — 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 
 
 3k 
 
FORT MADISON 
 
 I Never Left the Room. 
 
 i What the Sam Hill.) 
 
What the Sam Hill 
 
 BY 
 
 W!B. F. CLEMENTS 
 
 BROADWAY PUBLISHING CO. 
 
 835 Broadway, New York 
 
 BRANCH OFFICES: CHICAGO. WASHINGTON. BALTIMORE. 
 ATLANTA, NORFOLK. FLORENCE ALA. 
 

 Copyright, 191 1, 
 
 By 
 
 WIB. F. CLEMENTS. 
 
 ©CI.A283 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 To my old friends Callister, Enyart and 
 Bishop, I dedicate this book. May it help to 
 while away an hour. In the fight between Puff 
 and the Jew we sometimes wonder what would 
 have happened to Puff had he actually got hurt. 
 We make no pretentions to authorship. Many 
 of the things mentioned happened in actual life. 
 We launch the little boat. Hoist the sail and bid 
 it Bon voyage. iWib. 
 
WHAT THE SAM HILL 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Write a book? And why not. It always 
 been my desire to write a book. When I was 
 a boy in school I (and that was not last week) 
 used to write short sketches, biographies of 
 my schoolmates, picturing them as men of 
 sixty and having lived a useful life, and all 
 that. 
 
 What, you write a book? You, over sixty 
 years old. 
 
 Yes, why not? All I lack is a name. 
 
 Well, I'll swan ; what the sam hill ! 
 
 There ye are. The very thing. That shall 
 be the name — What the Sam Hill. Now you 
 are foolin'. No, I am not. I am going to call 
 it "What the Sam Hill." 
 
 I might begin by saying that I am a son of 
 poor but honest parents, who would have 
 died childless if there had not been five of us 
 children. But I won't say anything of the 
 kind. I merely say I am here and pretty well 
 tickled that such is the case. In fact, eves 
 
 [5] 
 
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 since I have known anything I have never felt 
 like I wanted to trade this world for any other 
 one; however, when they get the wireless tel- 
 egraphy going and we hear from some of the 
 other places I may change my mind. 
 
 I have always been of a roving disposition, 
 which may account for the fact that I have 
 never gathered much moss. Now, I don't ex- 
 pect this book to have as many words in it 
 as the one Noah Webster wrote, and I hardly 
 think the spelling will be as good. If you 
 should run across a word now and then you 
 don't understand, just turn to Noah Web- 
 ster's latest book, and if you don't find the 
 meaning why, I'll lose faith in Noah, and I'd 
 hate to do that, for Noah has always been a 
 particular friend of mine, and I owe largely 
 my knowledge and smartness to my close 
 friendship with him. 
 
 Noah was always more for explaining things 
 than I was ; in fact, you will notice all through 
 his book he stops to explain the meaning of 
 his words, until you almost lose sight of the 
 hero, the story; and the minor characters you 
 have lost sight of altogether. The Mr. John- 
 son of the story you can partly follow, but end 
 men and those sitting along between you lose 
 sight of. 
 
 I've little doubt, however that Noah's book 
 will outlast mine; I believe, though, that if 
 Noah had not been called hence he would 
 have been willing to have divided honors even 
 
 [6] 
 
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 with me : There wasn't anything small about 
 Noah. 
 
 In some of my short sketches I spoke of, 
 I once got a letter from an old schoolmate 
 who had got one of them ; he wrote me it took 
 him back to our old boyhood days. He shed 
 tears over some of the things mentioned (es- 
 pecially where I had taken a licking for some 
 of his tricks and wouldn't blow on him), and 
 laughed at some of the droll ones. Said he 
 had never left his room from the time he 
 commenced it until finished. This swelled me 
 up some until I afterward learned he was, at 
 the time, working for the State and resided in 
 Ft. Madison. His letter was written before 
 the crime of '73 ; and must not be confounded 
 as to truthfulness with politicians of later 
 days. He never explained just what particu- 
 lar pull he had in getting a State position, and 
 it has nothing particular to do with this book. 
 
 [7] 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 In speaking of old boyhood days, the letter 
 brought up an amusing incident in which his 
 interest was about equal to mine. We usually 
 did our swimming in Duck Creek, where, if 
 any one made an extra hazardous dive, the 
 greater part of his back was still out of water, 
 but on this occasion or trip we went down on 
 Wolf creek to swim, where the water was 
 twenty-two inches deep by actual measurement. 
 The swimming, however, was of small mo- 
 ment. It was after coming out and putting on 
 our shirts wrong side out (which caused no 
 end of abbreviation to explain away after 
 getting home), we started home across the 
 creek bottom, and, as blind luck would have 
 it, ran spang into Will Fletcher's watermelon 
 patch. Here now our Sunday School train- 
 ing bore down very hard, but by a kind of 
 compromise between conscience and hunger 
 we cut one open. We had figured a little like 
 they do out in Leadville that possession was 
 nine points, and we would chance it on the 
 other point. We had gotten into the heart 
 of the subject when I heard something whack 
 together and on looking up saw it was my 
 companion's knees. A far-away look of "meet 
 
 [8] 
 
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 me when the moon goes down" was on his 
 face; his hat had raised until it merely touched 
 the bumps of cowardice and secretiveness, and 
 his finger — not unlike a skeleton hand — was 
 pointing to a man just stepping out from be- 
 hind a tree. 
 
 Now, my companion was somewhat ac- 
 quainted with some of the peculiarities of 
 Will, but I was not loaded down with such 
 knowledge, and, furthermore, had never been 
 intimate with him, so did not stay to get bet- 
 ter acquainted, but went up the hollow 
 through the timber. Even my new Barlow 
 was left sticking bolt upright in the red bosom 
 of our victim, to appear at a later date as evi- 
 dence against me, as I, in an unguarded mo- 
 ment, had carved my name: "W. I. B." on 
 the handle — a practice I have always looked 
 down on ever since. My companion, seeing 
 that I was in a fair way to escape, put a bold 
 face on the matter, and by the time Will 
 reached him had got his knees working, but 
 the squirrel rifle carried by Will made him 
 think it not a bad idea to make friends with 
 him, which he did by placing all the blame on 
 me, and his story, along with the Barlow, 
 made a clean case against me. 
 
 ^ I have never felt like falling on his neck 
 since, and learning where he was employed 
 when he wrote me about the story — the old 
 story has ever rung in my ears : "The mills of 
 the gods grind slowly, but exceedingly fine." 
 
 [9] 
 
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 In mentioning boyhood days, so many 
 things come back to us. I suppose my school 
 days were about the same as other boys. I 
 started in what was called the "old brick," 
 about one-half mile from town. Boys came 
 from quite a distance — it seemed quite a dis- 
 tance — but in after years, after roaming over a 
 country where no trees were in sight, where 
 the prairie dog held full sway, and then look- 
 ing back at the country surrounding the "old 
 brick," I now know none of them came very 
 far. In after years I was transferred to Pin 
 Hook school up on the pike, and finally to the 
 New Castle Seminary. Here our boyhood 
 pranks began to be curtailed. One eye-sore to 
 us was the study hour at night. The princi- 
 pal, Rice by name, issued orders that no 
 scholar should be on the street after seven 
 o'clock in the evening without written per- 
 mission. This was hard on the average boy. 
 It made playing after night hazardous, but 
 added enticement to it from the fact that it 
 was forbidden. The principal was a very tall 
 man, and fleet on foot, and was the last man 
 to leave the street at night. It was our busi- 
 ness to look out for Rice, as we called him to 
 his back. We would change clothes with boys 
 not in school. We would turn our coats wrong 
 side out, cap with rim behind, and all kinds 
 of disguises, but few of these duped the pro- 
 fessor. A man with a guilty conscience is a 
 coward, and few of us could stand and let him 
 
 [10] 
 
MJfmt tfte ©am tyill 
 
 come up to us. We would start in with a 
 good stock of bravado, but when he got close 
 to us we would fail and turn to fly, this in- 
 variably ending in our being caught, and pun- 
 ishment in various forms quickly followed. 
 
 I well remember in my own case I was the 
 champion runner of our set and tried one night 
 to match my speed with the professor. I had 
 a hundred feet the start, but do the best I 
 could I could not widen the breach. It was 
 across streets, down alleys, through buildings, 
 and everywhere I glanced back showed the old 
 man holding his own. 
 
 The bystanders shouted, "Git there!" 
 "You'll make it!" "Hoe it down!" It soon 
 became a certainty I was a gonner, but, by a 
 superhuman effort, I rounded a corner a little 
 in advance and turned down an alley where 
 there was a lot of lumber piled upon some 
 large timbers. It was but the work of a mo- 
 ment to drop flat on the ground and roll un- 
 der one of these piles. It must have been a 
 minute that I never drew my breath, so quiet 
 did I lay, but the night was chilly and a strong 
 draught under where I lay soon began to tell. 
 I would first listen from this side, then that, 
 but could hear nothing. Then a cold chill 
 would course down my back, but I must stick 
 it out a little longer. He may be there. But 
 I could stand it no longer ; it was move or 
 freeze. I moved so slowly and quietly that 
 I made no noise at all. I rolled out from 
 
 [»] 
 
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 under the pile, straightened up, when whack! 
 came his hand down on my shoulder; and so 
 strong was it that I thought he would pinch a 
 piece out of it. 
 
 "Ah, ah, Philander! I have you now!" (I 
 had Philander's coat on.) He had made sure 
 it was Philander. 
 
 I says, "I guess not." This staggered him 
 a moment only, for he struck a match, and by 
 its flash recognized me. 
 
 "You will apologize before the whole school 
 in the morning, or be expelled." 
 
 This I did, and I think to this day my par- 
 ents never heard of it. I would advise all boys 
 to make the best of their advantages in school 
 and not follow in the footsteps of that age, 
 and I expect the boys to follow the advice as 
 close as I would have followed it then. 
 
 I"! 
 
£ ^ 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 "Hello, Puff! How are ye?" 
 
 "Oh, not first class." 
 
 "What's the matter — the old boss found his 
 strap?" 
 
 "Yes, that's a part of it. I don't set down 
 now in the presence of my betters." 
 
 "Gee, is it as bad as that?" 
 
 "Yes, ever since I quit school I " 
 
 "Quit school? I didn't know you had quit." 
 
 "Yes, my education is finished." 
 
 Day after to-morrow will be two days since 
 I quit." 
 
 "Well, say, Puff, I don't like that. Who are 
 we going to soak now in the bull pen? You 
 and Danget and I furnished most of the 
 amusement there." 
 
 "I don't care; you will have to get along 
 without me. 
 
 I was a little lonesome at first, but now I 
 have got used to it. The school days seem like 
 a dream of long ago." 
 
 "I don't care, it's going to be dull. How's 
 old Nice?" 
 
 "Oh, he's all right; had him out coon hunt- 
 ing last night — only had to go back twice to 
 help him over a log." 
 
 [13] 
 
MJIjat t&e ©am 3£ill 
 
 "He must be getting in his second puphood, 
 sure. 
 
 I can remember when it took some to go in 
 front and look for coons, and some to follow 
 behind to help Old Nice over the logs." 
 
 "Yes, Danget, Jim, Oscar and I were down 
 in Uncle Billy Lynn's sugar camp last night 
 and had a good hunt." 
 
 "I understand. I reckon you don't happen 
 to know where old Dr. Cruse's old setting hen 
 is this morning?" 
 
 "What's that ! Setting hen ! Who's talking 
 about setting hens?" 
 
 "Well, I made a slight remark myself." 
 
 "If the hen is missing, Hugh, I guess I 
 wouldn't have to go far to find the cause. 
 There wasn't any light in Genn's kitchen when 
 I came back past there, and all the old folks 
 gone, leaving Dave to keep house. I believe 
 I'd lay low on the setting hen, anyhow, until 
 old Doc says he's lost one." 
 
 "I talked with Dudley this morning. He 
 never said anything about losing a hen. I've 
 known fellows to give themselves away be- 
 fore now." 
 
 "You think you're a little smart since you 
 quit school, don't ye? Been reading Old 
 Sleuth, ain't ye? Don't git out'n your lati- 
 tude, Puff. I've known fellows to refuse to 
 set down in the presence of their betters for 
 worse cause than a boot strap." 
 
 "Maybe you think you can do it?/' - 
 
mm m &am jdw 
 
 "If you'll just step down in the alley, I'll 
 show ye." 
 
 "Hello, boys! What's the row?" 
 
 "How are ye, Dick?" 
 
 "Good morning-, W. I. B. What's the mat- 
 ter with Puff?" 
 
 "Oh, ever since he quit school he's been put- 
 ting it on a little thick, and i was just invit- 
 ing him down in the alley back of Kinard Bur- 
 ns' stable to argue the case." 
 
 "Oh, well, hold on! Old Kilgorc's in town; 
 saw him come this morning, least said soonest 
 mended, boys. 1 Been him whittling with an 
 old liar lew that had a mighty familiar look. 
 I tried to see the handle, but couldn't make 
 it, but I'd lay low if i was you." 
 
 "Lyman, come here. There ain't wood 
 enough to get dinner." 
 
 "Listen at that! JJoggonned if I aint' a no- 
 tion to start to school again. A fellow didn't 
 have to cut stove-wood there, anyhow." 
 
 "Oh, go and cut your mother some wood; 
 you ought to have cut enough Saturday to last 
 all week." 
 
 "How are ye, W. I. B. ? I passed your wood 
 house Saturday night as I was going down to 
 Tom Powers' store, and seen you cuttin' wood 
 by a lantern." 
 
 "Look here, Puff, I won't wait to take you 
 down to the alley, if you don't watch out." 
 
 "Hold on here, boys; J ain't going to have 
 any fighting going on here, I tell ye, while 
 
 [is] 
 
mm tbt %am lj)iU 
 
 old Kilgore's in town. I was along when old 
 Granny Fletcher's grapes disappeared, and I 
 saw the same old basket with one handle off 
 (that I ran off and left under the tree), right 
 here in our store this morning with a lot of 
 Squire Kilgore's eggs in it, and I tell ye things 
 have got to be kept quiet while he's in town." 
 
 "Look here, Puff, what did you quit school 
 for, anyhow?" 
 
 "Well, me and old Wess Killen couldn't 
 agree. Now I used to get along with Bill Mc- 
 Whorter, and Rose Miller, and all of them; 
 but we didn't have to write letters and essays 
 with them, but old Wess is a terror. You 
 know I never cared much for grammar, any- 
 how, and about all I knew about geography 
 was the road from Blooming Grove to old Joe 
 Hay's swimming hole on Duck creek, or old 
 Levi Osborn's peach orchard. I could locate 
 them with one eye shet, and I have been in 
 Bob Wilson's orchard, too ; and I wasn't alone, 
 either. You needn't look so skeered, I ain't 
 blowing on any one to-day, Kilgore's in town. 
 As I said before, Killen's a terror. It was 
 essay or a lickin', and as I had had so many 
 lickin's, I thought I would try an essay for a 
 change." 
 
 "Yea, W. I. B. and I was there and heard 
 part of that essay, but we was a little startled 
 at the windup of it, and would like to hear 
 the rest of it." 
 
 [16] 
 
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 "All right, but I guess I'll have to cut some 
 wood first." 
 
 "All right; W. I. B. and I will meet you 
 down in the buggy shed, Dick. I kind o' hate 
 to have Puff quit school." 
 
 "So do I. I had got in practice in the bull 
 pen, and could soak him every time. It will 
 be hard on Danget, now." 
 
 "Yes, it will; how's the squirrels now?" 
 
 "Somebody let them out. Yes, clean gone. 
 Got a cake to sell now. You don't think Lush 
 Doughty had anything to do with it, do you?" 
 
 "No, I guess not. All he thinks about now 
 is the girls." 
 
 "What, that little rip?" 
 
 "Yes, he's little, but he is three years older 
 than you and me, you know." 
 
 "Do ye reckon we will like the girls in three 
 years, Dick?" 
 
 "I rather think not." 
 
 [I7l 
 
CHAPTER IVJ 
 
 "Well, fellows, I've got wood enough cut 
 for night and morning, both. I thought while 
 I was at it I'd cut a lot of it. Now, as for the 
 essay, I spent considerable time on it, as I 
 knew old Wess would not have no half-way- 
 business. He said it was enough to test a 
 man's religion to have such a fellow around, 
 and as I had seen Uncle Billy breaking out a 
 patch of new ground, the thought struck me 
 that 'A Test of Religion* would be a good 
 subject. 
 
 "The test of a man's religion is to place 
 him plowing in a stumpy piece of ground near 
 the church, while quarterly meeting is going 
 on, and give him a black and brindle pair of 
 steers at the plow, who have been restless 
 from birth and dull of comprehension, and an 
 appetite that is 'unquenchable and fadeth not 
 away/ These combination and the proximity 
 of the church, and the nearness of the presid- 
 ing elder, all holding him back from using lan- 
 guage adequate to the occasion. Should he 
 pass from one end of the field to the other 
 with countenance serene, you must say the 
 test is good. He stands eighty-five per cent., 
 and instruct the secretary to so write. 
 [18] 
 
XSL^fl 
 
mm m ©am $ni 
 
 "Wkn you say why subject him to all this, 
 when you should know that we are instructed 
 from the start that you shall have time to 
 erase the 'sweat from your brow/ but still la- 
 bor for what you eat (the resolution of the 
 American Federation of Labor to the con- 
 trary, notwithstanding). You see, Dick, I 
 thought it well enough to sling in a few big 
 words (old Wess is great on big words), and 
 his patch of ground, as to stones, resembles a 
 farm in Maine (where you have to buy whis- 
 key by the barrel, and that measured in an 
 old musket barrel), or an abandoned Hoosier 
 farm of blackberry bushes, compared with this 
 of his, sinks out of sight, and the thought goes 
 spinning up his backbone as each brier swings 
 back across his bare ankles (for understand 
 this test was made before wool was placed on 
 the free list, and the price of cosmoline and 
 arnica salve had advanced), and you ask him 
 why these things are, and he tells you, 'to 
 raise corn to winter these pesky steers, so I 
 can plow up this patch next year to raise more 
 corn to winter these steers on/ and you leave 
 him extending and extending and extending 
 until you imagine Gabriel's horn cuts in and 
 stops it all, as no Union Labor or People's 
 Party ever stopped anything, and this relic of 
 former grandeur or promise sinks from sight 
 as thousands have before him, and when Old 
 y/ess " 
 
 [19] 
 
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 "That will be enough of that, Lyman; we 
 will excuse you on the remainder of it." 
 
 "Now, boys, don't you think he ought to 
 have let me read it all?" , 
 
 "Why, yes, Puff; it's good." 
 
 "Well, he didn't, and kept me after school, 
 and said he would only give me half a thrash- 
 ing. He may have called it a half, but I think 
 he forgot himself, and forgot all about the 
 credits I ought to have had. Now this, and a 
 slight misunderstanding between Jake and I 
 has about finished my education." 
 
 "It's too blamed bad, Puff, but you'd better 
 come back, anyhow; we all catch it once in a 
 while, you know." 
 
 "Yes, I know; but I don't want much edu- 
 cation, anyhow. Danget and I have been 
 planning a little trip, and I'd as soon quit now 
 as any time." 
 
 "Where ye going?" 
 
 "Well, I don't know; Danget has two or 
 three books written by a Mister Beedel, de- 
 scribing some fine country out on the Piatt 
 river and along the loop and lavy beds of Ne- 
 braska. We think of going there." 
 
 "Pshaw, Puff, them books are all lies. Pa 
 says they are nothing but yaller back novels, 
 and not one of them so." 
 
 "Well, I don't know. Danget says they are, 
 and I guess he has read about as many of 
 them as any one." 
 
 "You'll miss it, Puff, I tell ye." 
 [20] 
 
mm m ^am mi 
 
 "You boys lay low about this. We don't 
 want everybody to know it." 
 
 "You said a while ago you had visited old 
 Bob Wilson; did he know it?" 
 
 "Hold on, there ! You are insinuating now." 
 
 "Well, I was just wondering when " 
 
 "Yes, you are always wondering, and what 
 to wonder at, I'd like to know." 
 
 "Well, I'm a little acquainted with him, my- 
 self. I was looking for Easter eggs over in 
 that country, and happened near his barn, and 
 he came out and says : 'What you doing out 
 there?' 
 
 " 'Looking for some boys/ 
 
 " 'You don't happen to find many in that 
 hollow stump, do you?' 
 
 "All the time he kept coming closer and 
 nearer, until I thought it about time to be 
 moving, and when I started to run he cut 
 loose, and if that was a sample of his foot- 
 racing I wouldn't wanted to have tackled him 
 in his young days. We clipped along down 
 the slope towards Tom Genn's sugar camp, 
 and I tell ye he gained on me every jump, but 
 when we struck the hill on the other side of 
 the creek, I could hear him puff like Tom 
 Ross* thrashing machine. I knew then I had 
 him. Pretty soon water run low; he had to 
 draw his fire, steam went down, and he called 
 for brakes." 
 
 "That was a pretty close call, Puff." 
 
 "Yes, but you know we have been in several 
 
 [21] 
 
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 places where we didn't have much wind to 
 spare." 
 
 "Yes, that's so; you see I know old Bob, 
 myself. Pa was just talking about him this 
 morning. You see Pa is assessor, and he al- 
 ways has a tussle with old Bob. The other 
 day he slid into Old Bob's feed lot, What's 
 that bay hoss worth, Bob?' 
 
 " 'Oh, to be honest with ye, he's good for a 
 couple of hundred, I guess ; sound in wind and 
 limb, stand hitched anywhere, never been 
 drove to hurt him. Why, are you looking for 
 a hoss?' 
 
 " 'No, I'm assessing.' 
 
 "'Great Caesar, is that so?' 
 
 " 'Yes, I want to place a valuation on all 
 your stock and different items subject to taxa- 
 tion.' 
 
 " 'Oh, well, that's another matter, as I just 
 loud that was what ye was after. Well, that 
 hoss is worth twenty dollars, I reckon/ 
 
 " 'You will have to raise that a little, Bob, 
 or the Board will call you out sure/ 
 
 "'What Board?' 
 
 " 'Why, the Equalizing Board, of course/ 
 
 " 'Pshaw, I'll risk the Board. Don't you 
 worry about the Board. I've lived quite a 
 spell/ 
 
 " 'I am not disputing that, but everything 
 goes at full value now, and you know you 
 wouldn't take that. Got any bees ?" 
 
 [22] 
 
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 "Dead as a mackeral." 
 
 "Any honey in those hives?" 
 
 "Reckon not, or they wouldn't died." 
 
 On going out to the hives bees were flying 
 in all directions. It was a warm day in Jan- 
 uary. 
 
 "Bob, do you call them dead bees?" 
 
 "Well, Fie swan, I was out here the other 
 day and nary a bee in sight. They'll die be- 
 fore spring anyway. I never give in to my 
 bees." 
 
 "I'll have to list those at so much a stand, 
 Bob." 
 
 "What if they die." 
 
 "Well, what if you die ; some one must pay 
 the taxes." 
 
 "Got any money, Bob?" 
 
 "Nary cent." 
 
 "Nothing. Under written evidence of 
 credit?" 
 
 "Nothing. Nope." 
 
 "How's that mortgage on the Kingry 
 place?" 
 
 "Well, what about it?" 
 
 "Taxable. Written evidence?" 
 
 "What! Mortgages?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Who pays the taxes on the land." 
 
 "The land, of course." 
 
 "What, tax the land ; then tax the mortgage 
 for the same land. Say, can't ye pile on some 
 
 [23] 
 
WiUt tU &am Wl 
 
 other way to get some more out of it, just as 
 well. If ye can get two pulls out of it, just 
 as well have three." 
 
 "What other taxable property have you got, 
 Bob?" 
 
 "Well, I guess I'd as well let you fix it. You 
 seem to know more about it than I do." 
 
 "Any gold or silver watches?" 
 
 "Nope." 
 
 "Got any that's halfway between?" 
 
 "What's that?" 
 
 "Gold filled." 
 
 "There ye go again." 
 
 "Yes, what's it worth?' 
 
 "Mabe, you know so much." 
 
 "What is it; patent leavers?" 
 
 "Now ye have hit it. I leaver most every 
 time I'm in town. Every fellow I take it to 
 says here, this watch is dirty; it needs clean- 
 ing. That watch has gathered enough dirt 
 since I owned it to make a good-sized south 
 forty." 
 
 "How would forty dollars catch it?" 
 
 "It would have to do a better job of running 
 than it ever did for me, if it did not catch it." 
 
 "Well, that's about right, isn't it?" 
 
 "Why, of course not. I got it in the first 
 place with tobacco tags, and they are only 
 worth half cent apiece." 
 
 "What does that signify if you gave enough 
 of them?" 
 
 [24] 
 
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 "It signifies this : I only had two thousand 
 of them, and that was only ten dollars." 
 
 "But the watch is a good one, and would 
 sell for cash for forty dollars to-day." 
 
 "Air ye cashing any watches to-day?" 
 
 "No, but I have no doubt I could find you a 
 buyer." 
 
 "Well, let's postpone this assessing business 
 till we find him." 
 
 "And that's the way it went all the way 
 through. Old Bob pays tax on about ten thou- 
 sand, which means he has twenty. He's al- 
 ways going on and talking and acting as 
 though there was a pocket in a shroud, and 
 the resurrection a long ways off. He says, 
 though, that he has the rheumatism so bad 
 these times that he can't walk until he runs 
 around a little." 
 
 NI 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 "Hello, Puff; good morning." 
 
 "Hello, Dangit; how air ye?" 
 
 "All right. When do you think we'd better 
 pull out, Puff." 
 
 "Dick thinks it won't pay." 
 
 "You ain't been talking, have ye?" 
 
 "Oh! I just mentioned it to Dick, and Wib, 
 and Lush Doughty, and a few of the boys." 
 
 "You air a good one. How do you expect 
 to slip off now? Just as well had it announced 
 in church." 
 
 "Well, if we can't slip off, we've lived here 
 quite a spell. I guess we could stand it a 
 while longer." 
 
 "Why, I've got my spy-glass ; and I traded 
 Wib out of that old secret-trigger pistol that 
 kicked out of Will Herrils' hand and hurt his 
 thumb, we are all ready to start as soon as the 
 dark of the moon." 
 
 "I haven't thot much about it lately." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 "You know old Doc Cruse, of course." 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, he was over at Charley's last night 
 making out naturalization papers for a fellow ; 
 
 [26] 
 
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 said he could vote in twenty-one years, if he 
 kept out of the pen." 
 
 "Shaw, I think that's a pretty slim show to 
 make a citizen." 
 
 "Well, I think Charley and Nerve had better 
 let the citizen business alone, they had about 
 all they could feed anyway." 
 
 "It's all in with old Doc K. You see, he's 
 coroner as well as doctor, and when he has 
 doctored you until he has used up all your sur- 
 plus cash and what your furniture would 
 bring, he then gets a pull out of the coroner 
 business. He once doctored Jake Beyney, and 
 thought he had about all of Jake's wealth, and 
 in making out a perscription had failed to no- 
 tice that on the other side he had made out a 
 list of jurors for the coroner. Jake happened 
 to notice it, and concluded if the perscription 
 was a forerunner to such a proceeding, he 
 would not get it filled, and got well without it, 
 and is to-day the father of five happy children. 
 You see, Old Doc feels it his duty to follow 
 a fellow along down close to the valley and 
 the shadow, and charge him according to the 
 length of the valley, and then step in at so 
 much per diam from the county in the way of 
 coroner's duties. 
 
 "No one ever knew when they saw him driv- 
 ing along the road whether the ferryboat was 
 on the other side, or so many candles wanted ; 
 but when a close scrutiny was made and nu- 
 merous persons were seen wending that way, 
 
 [27] 
 
mm tht ©am fyill 
 
 all doubts were allayed. Blackstone reigned 
 and not Dr. Chase. He once treated a fellow 
 for falling off of hair. He had a strong guar- 
 antee on the hair deal. The patient discov- 
 ered that Doc run several kinds of business, 
 and that some of them wouldn't stand the 
 light, so he slid out one night leaving a line 
 that he'd like to find a cure for baldness with- 
 out resorting to the guillotine. 
 
 He usually thought it his duty to either 
 have his hand on a fellow's pulse or in his 
 pocket, and was usually pretty well posted 
 as to the state of either. 
 
 Old Doc is a firm believer of the sulphurus 
 waves licking the shores of the valley and 
 gobbling up the lost in the end. Between you 
 and me, I'm thinking he will ride some of them 
 waves himself. I believe if he was a relative 
 of mine I would gladly concede the fact. 
 
 Now, I don't believe in setting the world 
 afire. I believe in just plodding along in the 
 even tenor of our ways. If not in our tenor, 
 we will take the bass or some minor part, and 
 not figure too much on being foreman of the 
 grand jury of the next world. None of us 
 need be so very particular, as we all no doubt 
 have friends in both places. 
 
 I have never aspired to great things, and 
 would just as soon as not let some one else 
 find the bills and turn them over to the court 
 in the final roundup. 
 
 We used to think while sitting in the back 
 
 [28] 
 
CflWjat m <§>am U>tll 
 
 of the courtroom that if we was one of that 
 jury we would make it hard for that fellow, 
 and now as the last jury is about to set on 
 our case, we imagine we have cut our last arm- 
 load of stove wood and shoveled our last hod 
 of coal. 
 
 For we read of another kind of fuel used 
 in the place from 'whence no traveler returns' 
 and to which my Sunday school teacher once 
 told me I was rapidly galloping. 
 
 That may be all right, Puff, but I wouldn't 
 care after working hard all summer and soak- 
 ing my last two months wages in a suit of 
 clothes to fall into Inocuous disuitude and sink 
 to the same depth obtained by M'Ginty. 
 
 [29] 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 "How air ye, Lush?" 
 
 "Oh, pretty well ; feel a little sleepy, is all." 
 
 "Up the pike last night?" 
 
 "Oh, no." 
 
 "Don't yarn, Lush ; seen ye going." 
 
 "Well, what if I did? Nothing going on in 
 town. What would you have a fellow do?" 
 
 "I can remember, Lush, when you thought 
 there was enough going on; that was when 
 you was one of the boys. Forgot it, Lush?" 
 
 "No, not particular; but a fellow can't al- 
 ways stick to blackman and hide and ka hoop, 
 from the old hay scales." 
 
 "No, but you held your own when you was 
 there." 
 
 "Where was you last night, Dangit?" 
 
 "I was over at the potter shop kiln." 
 
 "What was goin' on?" 
 
 "Well, you know Scott Shirk, who tinkers 
 clocks, sometimes?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, Tom Ross came to see Scott, and 
 asked him to go over to his house and look 
 at his clock. 
 
 "Scott went over and looked at it, as Tom 
 said; came back and made out his bill. He 
 
 [30] 
 
caiftat t&e @am $>tll 
 
 never touched the clock and never agreed to, 
 but charged for the time going. 
 
 "When Tom came home night before last 
 the clock was stopped. He came on to see 
 Scott about it, and had him brought before our 
 Cracker's Neck court. We tried the case that 
 night at the kiln, and we got the decision. 
 You know Wib is judge this term." 
 
 "Yes, I would liked to have herd it." 
 
 "Well, as I am secretary, it was left with 
 me, so I can send it to you." 
 
 "All right." 
 
 Important Decision of Cracker's Neck Court. 
 
 Whereas, it has become the duty of the in- 
 cumbent of the Judicial bench in the parish of 
 Cracker's Neck and State of Indiana to decide 
 on the evidence as given in docket 11969, as 
 shown by the records thereof, and the number 
 being indisputable and that fadeth not away. 
 
 Whereas, the said Scott Shirk, as plaintiff, 
 and Tom Ross, as defendant, 
 
 Be it now understood that the same Scott 
 Shirk, a struggling mechanic of the teutonic 
 art, a mender of watches, clocks, etc., and be it 
 known that on a certain day he was requested 
 to go and look at the calendar clock of Tom 
 Ross, 
 
 And be it known that the ancestors of which 
 he is a direct descendant were at one time 
 prominent, in fine arts, in fact they can be 
 
 [31] 
 
QHijat tiic %am $M 
 
 traced along the lagoon of ancient fame. We 
 even find them mentioned as surmounting the 
 peristile of the ancient temple of tyre, dressed 
 in the habilaments of a Chicago actress, where- 
 in the dress consists of a narrow ribbon around 
 the loins, and that left in the check room ad- 
 joining the gent's walk where the five-cent 
 turnstyle stares you in the face, and we might 
 here digress and say the greed of man sur- 
 patheth understanding, and as I said before, 
 beware of the flowing bowl and of the Crackers 
 Neck docket. Now, as the calling of the said 
 Scott Shirk is an honorable and exhalted one, 
 and as the labor performed by him is a credit 
 to his ancient ancestors, and as the bumps of 
 and a reaching out after lucre is poorly devel- 
 oped and is daily deteriorating, it would be- 
 hoove the court to a sense of lenency. In his 
 case we find evidence charging him with un- 
 due desire for exorbitancy. In fact, it has been 
 proven by a witness of poor but honest parents, 
 that the said Scott Shirk, with malice afore- 
 thought, did wilfully and malignantly, as to 
 the said malice, and has been proven and that 
 the funds secured through this instrumentality 
 was in keeping with prices obtained through a 
 person with the blood of his ancestors flowing 
 through his veins, for the "laborer is worthy 
 of his hire," and this is undisputable among 
 workman of this class. 
 
 Now, as to the points at issue, of which I 
 have exhaustingly enlarged upon, and as the 
 
 [32] 
 
mm m %am $m 
 
 character of the aforesaid has been proven 
 that he is in no wise related to that ancient 
 animal, the steak and spare ribs of which we 
 take to with relish regardless of the fact that 
 the ancestors of which these are direct descen- 
 dants, and at one time were said to be possess- 
 ed of the devil, and we should here take heed 
 and resolve to profit by the teaching of the 
 docket 1 1969 and of those brought out in the 
 evidence, and when the time comes that we 
 shall sit where he now sits in the culprit's 
 chair, with the countenance of a Prendegast 
 and the daring of a Jack Shepherd; that you 
 can say verily this, a righteous judge and his 
 court beams on you and of a modern expres- 
 sion which slops over with benevolence and 
 lenency. The punishment of this court is that 
 the said Scott Shirk be debarred from all work 
 of whatsoever kind, and borrowing of his 
 neighbors without security, that he be re- 
 quired to get up at six o'clock in the morning 
 and sit in the shade while his brothers saw 
 wood for the day, he shall appear daily in his 
 usual haunts without being recognized as a 
 member of the National Federation of Labor, 
 he shall however be recognized as should a 
 person with so illustrious a pedigree, and 
 should his walks of life be such this embryalgo 
 may be in time lifted from him. 
 
 As for Mr. Ross, we have only praise for 
 one in spite of the combined oratory of the 
 attorneys of the other side he has manfully 
 
 [33] 
 
mm tbt «&am mu 
 
 plead his own case. We would however beg 
 to be relieved from appearing in testimony as 
 to his truth and varasity. His rebuttal (where- 
 in he states not being able to know the day 
 of the month from the lack of Mr. Shirk in 
 performing his work in conformity with his 
 training), we will look over from the fact that 
 the constable is supposed to date all papers 
 before leaving this office. I don't wish to in- 
 sinuate. He no doubt feels hurt at the treat- 
 ment received at the hands of the tutonic gen- 
 tleman, and will feel inclined to stand on the 
 street corner like the person of old and herald 
 to the world these facts which have been prov- 
 en and the ignomineous punishment which 
 quickly followed the culprit. 
 
 We find by looking over the by-laws of the 
 ancient tyronic metal workers that they mere- 
 ly charged for going to see the work, instead 
 of for the work done ; however, as I made this 
 discovery after the decision was made, it is too 
 late to be of benefit to the culprit. 
 
 As a higher court will convene here in a few 
 minutes I would suggest, as some of your 
 shortcomings are known, that a speedy exit 
 through the rear door would be advisable. 
 
 The janitor will please clear the rear exit as 
 speedily as possible. 
 
 "Pretty good; that sounds"ajvhole\lot like 
 Wib." 
 
 [34]| 
 
ffilimt tfte ©am i^ill 
 
 "Yes, the boys made it pretty hot for Tom, 
 
 but he plead his own case and did very well." 
 
 "How often does the Crackers Neck meet?" 
 
 "Oh, no regular time ; mearly when we have 
 
 a case before it." 
 
 [35] 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 Years after. 
 
 Puff went back to school, got into a fight 
 with a Jew, and in accordance with the fitness 
 of things came out victorious. 
 
 This race of people have been in statu quo 
 for twenty centuries on account of having 
 killed a prominent man without a trial, and 
 aside from Puff having one eye disabled, and 
 his nose crooked in an oblique manner, his 
 wrist put out of place, and his hip knocked 
 down, and a few minor scratches, he escaped 
 unharmed. However, old Wess saw that he 
 was expeled. He worked around awhile at 
 what ever he could get to do, but did not seem 
 to gather much moss. 
 
 Dangett worked in a brick yard and spent 
 most of his money in dime novels and got the 
 western fever worse than in his boyhood days. 
 
 Wib went northwest and worked in a maple 
 sugar camp awhile, finally drifted to Chicago, 
 and lived in a Sweedish boarding-house, 
 learned to talk the language after a fashion, 
 got mixed up in a strike in which foreigners 
 predominated, came near getting knocked on 
 the head, after the strike was informed that 
 his services were no longer needed, drifted 
 
 [36] 
 
mm m ©am ^ni 
 
 from one thing to another, got homesick, 
 pawned the first watch he ever owned for half 
 what it was worth, and turned homeward, 
 where he arrived in time to see his old and 
 particular friend on his deathbed. 
 
 Six boys carried him to his last resting place 
 out near the old brick school-house, where he 
 rests free from the cares of life. Where are 
 they all this night, fifty years after? 
 
 This cast a gloom over the old set. The 
 old loafing corner was never the same again. 
 The old set drifted apart. Some moved away, 
 some married, others died. 
 
 And long years passed by. Those who were 
 rich in their youth became poor, and the poor 
 became rich. Old ties were broken. 
 
 The remnant of the old set gather to-night 
 around the fire at the old crockery kiln back 
 of the old potter shop. They are now bearded 
 men of two score and ten, some of them more. 
 Quiet prevails. They sit and look into the fire 
 with a sad, wistful look. 
 
 "Lyman (Puff of the old boyhood days)," 
 says Tom, "I of all the old set I would rather 
 see Wib than any one in this world." 
 
 "Yes, so would I." 
 
 "Who's Wib?" 
 
 "Oh, you never knew him; he used to live 
 here; left forty years ago, long before you 
 were born." 
 
 And Tom, his place was never filled. 
 
 You are right, Tom, it took a good one to 
 
 [37] 
 
TOat ti)c ©am I^iU 
 
 hold him off on "town ball," "bull pen," "old 
 cat," "blackman," foot race or swim. 
 
 "Yes, we did not think we would ever be 
 seperated, but see how few of us are left." 
 
 "I don't recon he will ever come back here 
 again." 
 
 "No, I have not heard from him for years." 
 
 "I got a small package from him years ago 
 from old Mexico; he was then away back in 
 the wilds of Mexico, among the cliff dwell- 
 ings, and wrote me he intended going still far- 
 ther back in the wilds. We will never see him 
 again, boys, and besides, he is now, like us, 
 getting old. Do you suppose he is any happier 
 than if he had stayed with us?" 
 
 "Listen! Some one is coming." 
 
 "How do you do, gentlemen?" 
 
 "Good evening, sir. Won't you come by the 
 fire? We have plenty of room to-night; but 
 we have seen the time when you would have 
 found it hard to get a place around this fire." 
 
 "Thanks, yes; I was just passing through 
 your town and stopped over night. Saw a 
 light here, and came over." 
 
 "You don't live close here?" 
 
 "No, I live in the far West." 
 
 "Well, you see here around this fire all that 
 is left of a club of boys that have sat here at 
 every burning of this kiln for forty years." 
 
 The stranger stood a little in the shadow 
 and looked long and silent into the fire, and 
 finally says, "Is it possible?" 
 
 [38] 
 
mm tfte ^am grill 
 
 "Yes, sir, we once numbered ten or twelve 
 careless boys with no thought of the morrow, 
 and, sir, we would give more this night to see 
 the old set here around this fire than to see 
 a whole line of presidents. But they are scat- 
 tered to the four winds. The meeting will 
 never be. You say you are from the West; 
 you no doubt have traveled much?" 
 
 "Yes, indeed, here and there and almost 
 everywhere. I have been from under the flag on 
 the south and on the north. In my youth I 
 suppose I made one of such a club as you 
 describe." 
 
 "Here, take this box. I'd just as soon stand 
 up as not." 
 
 "Oh, no; keep your seat." 
 
 We who have always lived here, it is true 
 have read much and saw pictures of that coun- 
 try, but we would like to hear some of your 
 experience of your travels over it." 
 
 "You say you have always lived here? Don't 
 you know you should be the happiest men liv- 
 ing? You have stayed because you were con- 
 tented; and what is money compared with 
 contentment with our lot? You may have 
 missed seeing many grand things, but you are 
 here; have always been here, and now there is 
 no place like this. Wherever a man lives is 
 his allotted place. It is home, no matter where 
 he goes he in time drifts back to it." 
 
 "We are not particularly grumbling; we are 
 aware we have had our day." 
 
 [39] 
 
mm the §am J^ill 
 
 "As it is early in the evening, I will give you 
 an outline of one that was not satisfied with 
 his lot. I will begin by saying in my boyhood 
 I was a reader of many sensational novels. I 
 can now see it was a waste of time, but what I 
 got from them caused me to think it the thing 
 to pull out from home. My parents were poor 
 and not particularly in need of me at home. 
 So at rather an early age I severed the home 
 tie and pulled out for the West. I landed in 
 a Western town along in the afternoon, went 
 to a hotel to stay over night. This was not 
 like some of the large hotels you read about, 
 where a boy starts after a glass of water, and 
 is old and gray-headed when he gets back, but 
 one of modest dimentions. I registered with a 
 flourish ; told the landlord I was hunting work. 
 
 " 'Yes, that's all right ; I've seen fellows 
 hunting work before. Have you any baggage? 
 For if you have not you will have to pay in 
 advance/ 
 
 " 'Yes, I've a trunk at the depot/ 
 
 " 'Here, Jake/ 
 
 "'Well, what ?' 
 
 " 'You go down to the depot that has a 
 saloon in the basement with a sign at the head 
 of the stairs, 
 
 " ' "NOSE PAINT FOR SALE HERE" 
 
 and get the trunk this check calls for/ 
 " 'All right/ 
 
 [40] 
 
C&ftat tfte ^am ft>ill 
 
 "And from the color of Jake's nose I thought 
 he had been there after baggage before. 
 
 "Well, he brought the trunk, placed it in 
 the room, turned the key over to me, and I was 
 the owner pro tern of my first room. I saun- 
 tered down into the barroom just as two fel- 
 lows met. One says, 'Hello, Bill ; where been 
 fur a week back?' 
 
 " 'I haven't got any weak back. What are 
 you talking about?' 
 
 "They stormed around in strong conversa- 
 tion relative to their general character, per- 
 sonal appearance, the style of their ancestors, 
 and probable destination when done with this 
 world. It was about as vivid a word picture, 
 and as plain language as I had heard in many 
 a day. I thot it would end in a knockdown, 
 but found it was mearly a mild western way 
 of greeting. 
 
 " 'Going to the torch light?' 
 
 " 'Yes, you bet.' 
 
 " 'All right ; let's go out and see how things 
 look.' 
 
 "This informed me that there was a torch 
 light in town that night, as the campaign was 
 in full blast. Well, I went out on the street, 
 and being a little chilly, I asked a street vender 
 for a hot lemonade, and the deliberate way he 
 went at it made me think he imagined he was 
 boiling his mother-in-law. He must have been 
 a good one, sure. Yes, I was not used to his 
 
 Ui] 
 
tfljjmt tfte ^am J^ill 
 
 style, but remembered I was in a strange coun- 
 try, and said nothing. 
 
 "The torchlight was grand, the music fine, 
 and I enjoyed it. One fellow of the opposite 
 party got hilarious over his favorite candidate, 
 and in the absence of a man with a trumpet to 
 herald it to the world, did the herald act him- 
 self, and got promptly knocked down and a 
 lamp stick stuck in his rib. I thought if that 
 was a sample of the way they did, I would 
 keep my politics to myself. 
 
 "I came back to my room in good time, but 
 found some one had been there before me. My 
 trunk was open, my best suit of clothes gone, 
 and various other things. He had left an in- 
 ferior pair of pants in their place. 
 
 "This floored me completely. I went back 
 to the barroom. 
 
 " 'Say, landlord, you was a little particular 
 about me bringing my trunk here, wasn't you?' 
 
 " 'Yes, sir, it is our rule.' 
 
 " 'Well, if you had been as particular about 
 taking care of it, I would have liked it better.' 
 
 '"Why, what's wrong?' 
 
 " 'Oh, nothing, only some one has gone 
 through it and about cleaned me out of 
 clothes.' 
 
 " 'You don't say so.' 
 
 " 'Yes, I do ; come up to my room/ 
 
 " 'Well, don't that beat Bob.' 
 
 " 'I don't know, but I know it beats me out 
 
 [42] 
 
(DQimt t&e %am $iU 
 
 of a suit of clothes, and, landlord, I am not 
 feeling very good over it/ 
 
 " 'I expect not ; we must look into this at 
 once/ 
 
 " 'You need not lose any time getting started 
 on my account/ 
 
 "We got track of a fellow and followed him 
 from one saloon to another, but when we 
 found him about to board a midnight train 
 with a big grip we stopped him, and had him 
 open it. This he did willingly, but he had 
 nothing of mine. I explained it to him. He 
 says all right, he did not want to leave town 
 under suspicion. I did not find them that 
 night, and have never found them to this day." 
 
 "I would call that hard luck to start on." 
 
 "Yes, but I got work soon, and got along 
 all right, and stayed there a number of years. 
 
 "One day in looking over a scrap of news- 
 paper, I noticed a glowing account of the 
 great strikes in the silver mines of Leadville. 
 Also a description of the trip over the great 
 Union Pacific route from Omaha. The beau- 
 tiful mountain scenery and Concord coach and 
 I don't know what all. This awakened my 
 restless spirit again, and the desire to see the 
 West again was strong. I decided to go. 
 Quickly making preparations, I started with 
 but little money. On reaching Omaha all was 
 confusion and rush. There was not baggage- 
 cars enough to carry the baggage. We had to 
 
 [43] 
 
mm m %&m ^ai 
 
 go on and leave it to follow. Crossing the 
 plains reminded me of something I had often 
 read about, and was now being realized. The 
 ever-changing landscape was of great interest 
 to us all. Droves of antelope, an occasional 
 coyote, prairie dog towns, miles in length, 
 where thousands of little fat fellows were 
 sitting upright looking at the train go by, just 
 as they looked at the covered wagon go by 
 years before on the Pike's Peak and California 
 trail. We reached Cheyenne, Wyoming. 
 What boy has not read at least one novel 
 where Cheyenne is mentioned? This, beyond 
 North Platte, where the two Platte rivers 
 come together and a Western story with the 
 Platte River left out would be a tame affair, 
 indeed. At Cheyenne we rest for two hours, 
 when we change cars for Denver. This mod- 
 ern city, away beyond the line of civilization, 
 is still a city in every particular. Hotels of 
 every kind, with plenty of sharks to catch 
 the unwary tenderfoot. 
 
 "Here we stop one day before taking the 
 narrow guage railway for the mountains. We 
 start the next morning after sizing up the 
 small pony engine at the head of the train 
 and wondering how it will ever pull us up the 
 mountain. No pen or description can do 
 justice to the grandeur displayed while passing 
 through the Platte Canyon. Mile after mile 
 of rock so high that you can hardly see the 
 top; great boulders that look just ready to 
 
 [44] 
 
mm m @am ^w 
 
 leave their bed of centuries and roll down 
 to our destruction ; jets of rock that reach 
 out almost to the car windows, while the 
 Platte River that runs so sluggish across the 
 plains here goes roaring and plunging over 
 numerous boulders with terrible speed. It 
 looked as though nothing could keep us from 
 pitching from the track as we rounded the 
 sharp curves. 
 
 "We are enjoying the magnificent scenery 
 when we slowly pull into a small mountain 
 station. 
 
 " 'Webster !' shouts a train man. 'Change 
 here for Concord coach !' 
 
 "We all scramble out. Here is pande- 
 monium personified. Great trains of freight 
 wagons, three coupled together and pulled by 
 sixteen mules, driven by what was intended 
 in the start to be one man, but by the way he 
 cussed and tore around and whipped those 
 mules you would have thought there was a 
 dozen. 
 
 "We look around and wonder if that old 
 rickety vehicle is a Concord coach, and if it is 
 going to Leadville, and are highly enlightened 
 when we ask some fellow and he tells you 'Go 
 to / 
 
 "We call on the baggageman and present 
 our checks to have our baggage rechecked to 
 Leadville, as the party who run the great 
 Union Pacific ticket office told us 'Oh, yes, 
 check you right through to Leadville.' 
 
 [45] 
 
mm tfte ©am l^ill 
 
 "He tells us it has not arrived yet, and 
 when it does it will not be checked to Lead- 
 ville. He also tells us it will be forwarded 
 for five dollars per hundred. We now wish 
 we had not crowded in enough to just clear 
 the one hundred and fifty pounds they told 
 us they would allow us. We remonstrated 
 at this, but are shut off in language that satis- 
 fies us that the man, although away back in 
 the dim past may have been a Sunday school 
 scholar, he had long since forgotten it. We 
 are informed that checks don't go over a 
 mountain toll road where it costs twenty cents 
 a mile to travel in a coach. 
 
 "All things have an end, and so did our 
 jangling; it ended by us retreating and leaving 
 him a clear field, thoroughly satisfied in our 
 minds if he did not get his just dues in this 
 world he would in the next; we got our coach 
 tickets booked, gather up our grips ready to 
 board the first coach that pulls up, and are 
 finally off after praising its beauty and prob- 
 able comfort, as it is to be our house for 
 the next two days and nights. There was 
 three coach-loads of us. Nine passengers to 
 the coach, and a more motley crew you could 
 not imagine. Many of them had left other 
 places by request, others had left without 
 settling their bill, some few, like myself, were 
 going to try and better their condition, but 
 the most of them were going simply to get 
 away from somewhere. 
 
t&jmt t&e %>am r^ill 
 
 "There was one tall, meek-looking fellow 
 that we sized up as a preacher, he seemed 
 so quiet and meek, but the old saying that 
 'still water runs deep' was personified in his 
 case. He was one kind of man in day time, 
 and another after night. 
 
 "I think I never saw his match. While 
 traveling up the mountains we came across 
 a freight wagon off the track, as they called 
 it, and as there was no other road we had to 
 wait for it to get the road clear. You see, 
 the lower side of the road, as it winds around 
 the mountains, is built up with flat stones 
 to hold the grade. This freighter's rear wagon 
 had slewed around a little, and the rear wheel 
 had dropped over the wall. This completely 
 stalled the whole outfit, and the accident hap- 
 pened on such a sharp curve that the entire 
 sixteen mules could not pull at it. The leaders 
 would, in straightening out the chain, pull 
 the middle teams over against the bank on 
 the upper side of the road. Some of our 
 crowd got out to help clear the wreck, and 
 one fellow that knew it all, back in Virginia, 
 undertook to tell the teamster how to drive. 
 The quiet man stepped up to stop him from 
 interfering, but was too late. The teamster 
 looked at him a moment, then the sulphureous 
 waves began to roll up, and came crashing 
 along, and the under toe completely swept him 
 off his feet. He floundered in the depths 
 but a moment, then figuratively disappeared 
 
 [47] 
 
tfllfcat the &am fyill 
 
 from sight. I think I have heard swearing 
 in all of its purity and clearness, but never 
 heard a man get such a raking fore and aft. 
 
 "In time we all got out, and as the night 
 was chilly and snow was falling, we made up 
 a log heap and set fire to it and stayed there 
 until near midnight. Around this fire is where 
 our quiet friend came out in his true colors, 
 and by the time the freight team got out of 
 the way he had most of the money in the 
 crowd. I myself fought shy of him, as I 
 did not like his looks. 
 
 "At midnight we loaded into the coaches 
 and pulled out for Fairplay, which we reached 
 some time in the night. 
 
 "Promptly at eight o'clock the next morning 
 the coaches were ready to start with fresh 
 teams. Wall and Whittier did not let any 
 grass grow on a toll road. They were the 
 Ben Halidays of the mountains of that date. 
 
 "We got along on the second day singing 
 songs and enjoying ourselves as well as we 
 could in our cramped quarters, when : 
 
 " 'Here, you fellows will have to walk up 
 this hill/ 
 
 "Here was a go. Twenty cents a mile and 
 walk. We all pile out to walk up this hill, 
 which proves to be eight miles long, and al- 
 most as steep as a house roof. We could out- 
 travel the coaches, and at the first station 
 where they changed teams we went on ahead 
 and did not see them for half a day. 
 
 [48] 
 
ftaimt tfte ^am ^ill 
 
 "The road was more rough and steep as we 
 neared the top of the pass, and the snow 
 more heavy. The wind blew a hurricane. We 
 were so far ahead of the coach we feared 
 had broken down and we would be elected to 
 spend the night in the mountains. We set 
 down behind a tree with our backs to the 
 storm and the snow came trinkling down our 
 backs. The flaming Union Pacific poster 
 came before our eyes describing the beautiful 
 Concord coach and the magnificent mountain 
 scenery on this glorious trip to Leadville. 
 
 "We decide to wait near the summit for the 
 coach to come up. When it came up, it proved 
 to be a common lumber wagon, with all our 
 grips piled primiscuous over the bottom of the 
 bed. We all pile in, when: 'Hell ! here, you, 
 git off my valice ; yiu'v busted it/ We all look, 
 and sure enough and there protruding through, 
 the aperture is the leg of the old family rooster 
 who has crowed for the last time and is now* 
 accompanying his master on this glorious trip 
 to Leadville. 
 
 "As we cross the summit the high air affect- 
 ed one fellow so that over he went. We were 
 all frightened at this, but there was nothing to 
 it but lay him in on the pile of grips and trust 
 to his coming to when we got lower down the 
 mountain. The driver told us it was nothing 
 uncommon. Just then another fellow says: 
 'Boys, I'm as sick as a horse/ 
 
 " 'York/ says another fellow, as he leans 
 
 [49] 
 
mm tbt %>am tyill 
 
 over the side of the wagon and wonders at the 
 tenacity of his boots in staying in place, 'it 
 took the cake for all the glorious trips I ever 
 experienced, and really now I would not have 
 called it that if the U. P. poster had not filled 
 us up so with the glorious part of it/ 
 
 "After getting several thousand feet lower 
 down our sick man revived just as the driver 
 told us he would. We shake the snow off our 
 backs and begin again to enjoy life. 
 
 "At a station down toward the park we 
 again find a coach and roll along in fine shape. 
 At ten o'clock at night the second night out 
 we pull into Leadville, a city that at that date 
 could well be called one of the wonders of the 
 world. 
 
 "Here was man from every corner of the 
 earth, thousands of them. Many of them 
 landed without a dollar. No blankets, nowhere 
 to sleep, every lodging house crowded to its 
 utmost. Bunk houses, where the bunks were 
 but little over one foot apart, and one above 
 another, clear to the top. Greek and Moslem, 
 Jew and Gentile, Yankee from the Nutmeg 
 country to cross swords with the mine-salter 
 of the West. A conglomeration of human be- 
 ings never before equaled and never will be 
 again. There was said to be sixty thousand 
 men on the streets of Leadville and probably 
 three hundred women, and in all of this mass 
 not a single family in the city. Tongue nor 
 pen can never describe it ; possession was nine 
 
 [50] 
 
Mbat the %am tyill 
 
 points of law, and violation caused pistol prac- 
 tice that would beat our old-time Christmas 
 carnivals." 
 
 "Well, stranger, that was certainly an inter- 
 esting time, or trip." 
 
 "Yes, and it makes me want to get out there, 
 as old as I am. You know I always wanted to 
 go, Lime?" 
 
 "Yes, and I have often wondered why you 
 didn't." 
 
 "I never had that much money at one time." 
 
 "You are just as well off, my friend." 
 
 "Yes, a fellow hates to think of always liv- 
 ing in some hole of a place, and in the end 
 finish up by stepping from one hole into an- 
 other." 
 
 "Stranger, you have interested us very 
 much, but it is not late, and we would like to 
 know something of the customs of the coun- 
 try; how are claims obtained? What is the 
 title? We read of jumping claims. How can 
 one man take another's claim? Does not the 
 government protect the title?" 
 
 "The customs of the country are based some- 
 what on law and some on local arrangement. 
 For instance, a mining camp or district taking 
 in a certain bounded territory will arrange in 
 that district to stand by certain rules adopted 
 at a meeting of all claim-holders in that dis- 
 trict. All grievances are brought before a cer- 
 tain committee. An appeal can be taken to the 
 courts of the State, or United States, but an 
 
 [Si] 
 
C&ftat t?)e @am tyill 
 
 agreement entered into at the time of organiz- 
 ing is that they will abide by certain rules. 
 The government requires you to set stakes at 
 the corners of your claim and also a location 
 stake on which you state your claim so many 
 feet each way from this stake. The different 
 counties regulate the sizes of claims in that 
 county. The government requires you to do 
 at least $100 worth of work each year, called 
 assessment work, and file with the county re- 
 corder a sworn statement that such work has 
 been done. The local district organization re- 
 quirements may be that you must find mineral 
 before locating or recording your claim. This 
 shows why some jump claims. They say you 
 have no mineral. I will also prospect here, 
 and if I find mineral first, I claim the right to 
 run my claim in any direction I choose. 
 
 "That is what causes trouble. The party 
 finding mineral first usually surveys in all the 
 adjoining shafts he can." 
 
 "I can now see where the trouble comes in. 
 When a man has worked hard all season he 
 does not like to have his work appropriated by 
 another." 
 
 "That is the idea, exactly. Now as to find- 
 ing or starting a new district and the hard- 
 ships encountered I will give you a description 
 of a trip I was in which will give you an idea 
 of that part of it. There was a party of three 
 of us started from Leadville to go a distance 
 of eighteen miles over a low pass in the moun- 
 
 [52] 
 
KJftat tije ^am $ill 
 
 tains to locate some property. The crust on 
 the snow, which was very deep, would still 
 hold the weight of a man, but it was getting 
 late in the winter and the crust was liable to 
 break through before long. We provided 
 against this by taking some boards ten inches 
 wide by four feet long to strap on our feet in 
 case it did break through. As we expected to 
 get up to the place and get through and back 
 to the trail the same day, we did not take 
 much grub along. 
 
 "We got near the place the first day and 
 went into camp, and started early the next 
 morning up the mountains. We got along 
 fine. The place we wanted to get to was one 
 and a quarter miles from the trail. Keep that 
 part in your mind. We got there, staked out 
 our claims and started back. The sun, in the 
 meantime, had come out quite warm and I 
 hurried the other fellows to get back to the 
 trail. 
 
 "This trip was made after I had spent one 
 season in the mountains, while the other fel- 
 lows were tenderfeet. We had not gone far 
 down the mountain before the crust began to 
 break through. We would sink into the snow 
 over our heads, flounder awhile and get up on 
 top again. The crust would again break, our 
 shoes would turn over on edge, and in all kinds 
 of shapes, while into the deep snow we would 
 go again. You who have almost gave out 
 wading in snow hip deep can have a little idea 
 
 [53] 
 
mm m ©am ^ni 
 
 of the way it would be over your head — you 
 simply can't make headway. The snow soon 
 became very wet and we were soon wet to the 
 skin. We would button our overcoats tight 
 up around us, roll our blankets (something you 
 dare not leave behind, as the nights are cold), 
 around us and try to roll down the mountain. 
 This would do for a short distance but in time 
 we gradually sank beneath the surface again. 
 I soon saw we were in a dangerous predica- 
 ment. The others did not realize the danger, 
 not being used to the country. We worried 
 along until noon, then stopped for dinner. The 
 others were for eating everything to avoid 
 carrying it, but this I would not allow, as I 
 knew we were elected for a night in the moun- 
 tains. After dinner we started again, working 
 with indifferent success. Night came on. We 
 took our snow shoes and shoveled away until 
 we reached the ground. Here we made a fire. 
 Our matches we carried in waterproof boxes. 
 We made our coffee and eat our last bite of 
 grub. We then set some forks in the snow at the 
 edge of our dugout, laid a pole across and 
 broke pine boughs off the trees nearby, and 
 made a bed, we also covered the roof of the 
 dugout with them. This made quite a snug 
 little shanty. As dead brush was plenty we 
 provided quite a supply of it for the fire. Then 
 pulled the roof covering in place over our 
 heads and prepared to spend the night. The 
 other two were inclined to make light of it, 
 
 [54] 
 
fta&at tfje &am JDill 
 
 but I knew we were in a tight place. Along 
 some time before spreading our blankets on 
 the pine boughs, one of the boys had thrown 
 a piece of ham bone on the fire. This burnt 
 and sputtered quite awhile, and made quite a 
 smoke, but it worked out through the roof and 
 did not bother us. 
 
 "It commenced to snow very hard in the 
 night, as it often does in that latitude in March 
 and April. A light fluffy snow. We had laid 
 down in our wet clothes and wet blankets, all 
 snug up together, and got up quite a steam 
 from the heat of our bodies, and once in a 
 while some fellow would snore a few whiffs, 
 but not long at a time, as our uncomfortable 
 position would soon wake him up. 
 
 "Along some time in the night, we supposed 
 from the smell of the burnt bone, a mountain 
 lion had scented it, and came along to find it, 
 and came right up to the brink of our dugout, 
 and I suppose smelling us, raised the worst 
 howl or screech I ever heard. The tenderfoot 
 sleeping in the middle jumped to an upright 
 position at one jump and hollered : 'What the 
 hell's that !' struck his head against the ridge 
 pole, knocked it out of the fork and down came 
 our roof with six inches of snow right among 
 our blankets. This was grand in the extreme, 
 and no one seemed at a loss for language to ex- 
 press himself, in fact the time seemed ripe for 
 all hands to express themselves without leave 
 from the chair. Roberts' Rules of Order were 
 
 [55] 
 
taibat the ^am ^ili 
 
 shelved for a time, and bedlam but a short 
 ways off. It would be hard to say which was 
 frightened the worst, the lion or the tender- 
 foot. The lion made off at a lively rate. 
 
 "This ended the sleeping for that night. It 
 took quite a while to quiet the fellow and con- 
 vince him that we were in no particular danger 
 from the lion." 
 
 " 'Well, you get us out of this scrape and 
 you can have all the claims. I, myself, am out 
 of it. 
 
 "We sat down and hugged our knees until 
 morning and a more dilapidated set you never 
 saw. 
 
 "We started out without any breakfast, and 
 I was sure we would not get any dinner, as we 
 were still three-fourths of a mile from the trail. 
 We rolled and pitched and tried all kinds of 
 ways, but made but slow progress. Noon came 
 and no dinner. I, myself, was getting very 
 weak. Now near two days in the wet snow 
 and but little to eat in that time. I could 
 hardly stand on my snow shoes when I got 
 them placed on top of the snow. Along about 
 two o'clock in the afternoon one of the tender- 
 feet rolled over in the snow and says : 'Here 
 you fellows, just go; I'm all in; plum played. 
 I'll never move another peg, it's no use, boys ; 
 Fve been watching, Wib, and I tell ye we can 
 never make it, and I won't try any more/ 
 
 "This was serious indeed, as I knew to leave 
 him meant death. We were all about played 
 
 [56] 
 
SOftat m §am U)M 
 
 as far as that was concerned, but I knew we 
 must reach the trail that night or we would 
 never reach it. I pictured to him that there 
 was a shanty about a mile down the trail from 
 where we would strike it, and if we only could 
 make it we would get plenty to eat and a place 
 to sleep. We worked and reasoned with him 
 for a long time, and after loosing a lot of valu- 
 able time he got up and started. We were in 
 plain sight of the trail and must reach it. 
 Night came on and with it a snow storm. We 
 still were several rods from the trail. The 
 tenderfeet were in for going into camp, but I 
 knew better than to try to stem another night 
 in our weak state, so urged them to renewed 
 exertion, telling them we were so close to the 
 trail and safety that we must reach it, and 
 reach it we did, and when my feet struck the 
 solid trail it seemed to me I could win a foot 
 race with any one. 
 
 "We rolled up our blankets. I took the lead, 
 calling for them to follow, as I knew the trail. 
 We pulled into the shanty about midnight, the 
 third night out. The miners got up and made 
 us some strong tea. I was setting on the side 
 of the bunk at the time, and that was the last 
 I knew until some time the next morning; he 
 said I drank a tin cup of hot tea and dropped 
 over backwards on the bunk, and was sound 
 asleep and never moved the whole night. He 
 stayed up the remainder of the night to keep 
 up a hot fire as we were still in our wet 
 
 [57] 
 
mw tfte §>am tyiU 
 
 clothes. The dinner they gave us has never 
 been equaled by Delmonico. It put life into us 
 and soon after we pulled out for Leadville. 
 
 "One of the fellows stayed around our 
 shanty a few days, but came in one morning 
 and said: 'Good-bye, boys, I've got enough of 
 this. The stage starts in half an hour/ and in 
 spite of all we could say he bid us good-bye. 
 As he wrung my hand he says, 'Wib, I'll tell 
 the folks that it was you that saved my life on 
 that awful trip. I'm not built for this country, 
 farewell/ and that was the last time I ever saw 
 him. He went back into the States, took down 
 with rheumatism, and the last I heard of him 
 he was a physical wreck. 
 
 "The other fellow stayed around the most 
 of the summer, but I could never get him to 
 go near the claims, and in the fall he disap- 
 peared, and that is the last I ever saw of him. 
 The claims proved worthless and so ended the 
 most perilous trip of my life." 
 
 "Um, hum'. Lime, what do ye think of 
 that? Want any mountains in yours?" 
 
 "Not by a long chalk, but I would not have 
 missed hearing about it for any thing. We are 
 certainly obliged to you, stranger, for your 
 story." 
 
 During this time, Tom (the Danget of boy- 
 hood days), is eyeing the stranger. Several 
 times during the recital the tone of his voice, 
 some particular motion or twist called up old 
 memories. A slight scar across the forehead, 
 
 [58] 
 
mm tfte ^am $fll 
 
 another across the first fingers of the right 
 hand was quite plain, and the conviction somes 
 crowding on him all at once. This is your old 
 chum, Wib. 
 
 "Boys, the story is ended. I couldn't stay 
 away any longer. I am Wib." 
 
 "Great Caesar, don't that beat you." 
 
 "It's no use talking I ought to have known 
 you sooner, but forty years is a long time, and 
 you are changed. Well, I should say so. But 
 an old-time whoop, I've no doubt will bridge 
 the chasm and bring you back to us again." 
 
 "Come over to the store and see if any of 
 the men will know you, Tom. This is the best 
 night I ever saw. Gee, how I wish all the old 
 set was here to-night." 
 
 "That's what's the matter." 
 
 "Over at the store. Forty years to span. 
 Who is here? Who has fallen by the wayside? 
 When the roll is called who will answer?" 
 
 Lime is spokesman. 
 
 "Gentlemen, what do you think we have 
 found to-night over at the old potter shop kiln. 
 One who bade us good-bye forty years ago. 
 He steps into his old corner and entertains us 
 for hours with his travels, but by watching 
 close and listening to his voice or seeing some 
 particular move or tone we figure him out. 
 This, gentlemen, is our old-time Wib, after 
 forty years wanderings returns to us." 
 
 "What's that you are saying, Lime? Wib. 
 lYou can't fool me on Wib. I was along when 
 
 [59] 
 
(KJftat m @am fyill 
 
 he was accidentally struck with a rock on the 
 forehead. I would know that scar any 
 where." 
 
 "Yes, and I was there when he got the two 
 first fingers of his right hand sawed on Tom 
 Genn's lathe saw." 
 
 "All right, here is your scars, and let me tell 
 you who you are : Your are John Duket, you 
 Dave Genn, Bill Willson. How are you Henry 
 Harvey, glad to see you. Scott Pettygrew, you 
 are the same old Scott, and this is John Webb. 
 Tom Trusler, are you still with Jake Masters? 
 Tom Powers, when I get a good look into them 
 eyes, I knew you. Is that you Kinard? Glad 
 to see you. Dave, if there was a sap suck out 
 here on that locust tree I would show him to 
 you." 
 
 THE END. 
 
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