6371 !R 535 Conundrums Dean Rivers CONTAINING ONE THOUSAND OF THE LATEST AND BEST CONUNDRUMS GATHERED FROM EVERY CONCEIVABLE SOURCE, AND INCLUDING MANY THAT ARE ENTIRELY NEW Philadelphia The Penn Publishing Company 1921 '# fftAK5FEa*£0 FBOH HQV 3 »! Copyright 1893 by The Penn Publishing Company Copyright 1900 by The Penn Publishing Company Copyright 1921 by The Penn Publishing Company Proprietors JUL 14 71 S~/Y PREFACE A taste for guessing puzzles and enigmas is co- eval with the race. The early Greeks were ex- tremely fond of such intellectual exercises, and they are found in the language of all civilized nations. One of the brightest forms of these puzzles is that of the conundrum, the answer of which is usually a play upon words similar to the jun. Each language has its own particular form if this kind of wit, but the English language, on .ccount of its composite nature, is especially rich in such forms of wit and humor. The compiler of this little volume has made a choice selection of conundrums from those in actual use among people belonging to refined and cultured society. They are classified under four principal heads — General Conundrums, Biblical Conundrums, Poetical Conundrums, and French Conundrums. Some of the most ingenious and interesting forms of wit will be found under each of these classes. In addition to these conundrums, the book con- tains a rare collection of arithmetical puzzles. These were especially prepared for the work by a mathematician of wide reputation who has used 3, ' many of them in one of his own publications. Tney will be found of great interest to those whe have a taste for numbers and their curious com- binations and results. The collection as a whole will afford innocent recreation for the fireside and social circle, and thus contribute to the happiness of those who enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from the exercise of the mind upon those subjects that require quickness of thought and a nimble wit. The Authou CONTENTS General Conundrums, 9 Biblical Conundrums. . . * * . Poetical Conundrums, ^ 125 French Conundrums, , s . . • • 133 Arithmetical Puzzles, ••**.. 157 General Conundrums Genbkal Conundrums Why is life the greatest of all conundrums ? Because we must all give it up. When may an army be said to be totally de- stroyed ? When its soldiers are all in quarter^ Which is swifter, heat or cold? He" because you can catch cold. Why is a young lady like a letter ? Because if she isn't well stamped the mails (males) won't take her. Why are dudes no longer imported into this country from England? Because a Yankee dude '11 do (Yankee doodle doo). What flowers can be found between the nose and chin ? Tulips (two lips). Why is a dude' s hat like swearing ? Because it is something to avoid. How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to by the English prayer-book ? Sixteen : Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. 9 Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a cup of tea ? Because she is interesting (in tea resting). Why does a young man think his sweetheart is like a door-knob ? Because she is something to adore (a door). Why is the emblem of the United States more enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, or Scotland ? The Lily may fade and its leaves decay, The Rose from its stem may sever, The Shamrock and Thistle may pass away, But the Stars will shine forever. Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it needs two heads and an application. What is the shape of a kiss ? Elliptical. Why is a kiss like gossip ? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle does it make ? A rebus. What is it George Washington seldom saw, God never saw, and we see every day ? Our equals. What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on ? Nothing, Prove by logic that an oyster fe better than heaven. Nothing is better than heaven ; an oyster is better than nothing ; therefore an oyster is better than heaven. What is the difference between a honeymoon and a honeycomb ? One is a big sell, the other little cells. Why is a man who makes pens a wicked man ? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens and then says they do write (right). What is the difference between a lady and an apple ? One you have to get side her to squeeze, and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul. Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week ? Because during the week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir. Which death would you prefer to die, Joan of Arc's or Mary Stuart's ? Most people prefer Joan of Arc's, because they like a hot steak better than a cold chop. What great writer's name might you appro- priately mention if you were standing by th* grave of Bob Ingersoll ? Robert Burns. What three great writers names might you think of if you were watching a house burn down ? Dickens, Howett, Burns. If you were invited out to dinner and on sitting down to the table saw nothing but a beet, what would you say ? That beet's all. Give a definition of love. An inward inex- pressibility and an outward alloverishness ; or, the classical definition of a collegiate is, " Love is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fu- sion of the intellect, sensibility, and will." n is charity like a top ? When it begins to hum. Why is a man sometimes like dough ? Not because a woman needs (kneads) him, but be- cause he is hard to get off of her hands. Why does a minister always say " dearly beloved brethren " and not refer to the sisters ? Because the brethren embrace the sisters. What part of a ragged garment resembles the Pope's title? Its Holiness. Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor alike ? Because they have both stopped quack- ing. When is the best time to read from the book of nature ? Wnen the spring opens the leaves And the autumn turns them. »3 In what liquid does the Queen of England take her medicine ? In cider (side her). Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer ? Because he lies on one side, then turns around and lies on the other. Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Because they press their suits. When is a man of greatest use at the dinner- table ? When he is a spoon. What is the difference between a rejected ard an accepted lover ? One misses the kisses asc. the other kisses the misses. What is the difference between a church dea- con and a little rag-a-muffin ? One passes the sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the ptio^. Why is a lover like a knocker ? Because he is bound to adore (a door). In what colored ink should we write our se- crets? In violet (inviolate). Why is a young lady like an arrow? Be- cause she can't go off without a bow (beau), and is in a quiver till she gets one. If a young lady fell into a well why couldn't her brother help her out ? Because, how oould he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too ? If all the women went to China, where would the men go ? To Pekin. Why does a Russian soldier wear brass but- tons on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear steel ones ? To keep his coat buttoned. What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime ? Nine cents. How is the best way to make a coat last ? To make the trousers and vest first. What word of four syllables would a man utter if he should eat his wife and wanted to express his approbation of the deed ? Gladiator (glad I ate her). Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a room ? Because she can't look on both sides at the same time. Why is a widower like a young baby ? Be- cause he cries a great deal the first six months, looks around the second six months, and has hard work to get through his second summer. Why is Philadelphia more subject to earth- quakes than any other city ? Because she is a Quaker city. Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irish- man rolling down a hill ? Because he's patrol- ing (Pat rolling;. IS If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, in what order would they come ? They would all get there down to S, and the rest would come after T. What would contain all the snuff in the world ? No one nose (knows). Why is a hound like a man with a bald head ? Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long ways. What is the first thing a man sets in his gar- den ? His foot. Who were the first astronomers ? The sta, because they have studded the heavens ever since the creation. When may you be said to imbibe a piano . When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte). When may bread be said to be alive ? When it has a little Indian in it. Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit half-dollar passed on him want to get married ? To get a better half. Why does a sculptor die a most horrible death ? Because he makes faces and busts. Why do we generally dub a city her or she ? Because about a city there is so much bv^tle and because she has outskirts. I* , Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death? Because he curls up and dies (dyes). Why are washwomen great flirts ? Because they wring men's bosoms. If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point ? Two in the shade. Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is a zephyr : a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an at- tachment is love, and love is blind ; therefore, the winds are blind. Why is a married man like a fire ? Because he provokes his wife by going out at night. Why is a pig's brain larger than any other animal's ? Because he has a hog's head full. Where was the first Adams Express Company located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve was created. What is the difference between a young lady and a mouse ? One charms the he's, the other harms the cheese. Why are men like facts ? Because they sire stubborn things. What is the difference between a gardener and a Chinaman ? One keeps the lawn wet, the other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). Wb* is a young lady's age after she has reached twenty -five like a floral wedding-bell ? Because it is never told. When is a door not a door? When it's an egress (a negress). Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she deals in precious tones (precious stones). When is a bee a great nuisance ? When it is a humbug. A New Yorker asks : What popular book could the two cities, New York and Philadel- phia, be compared to ? The Quick or the Dead. Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer tha!^ in winter ? Because in winter he wears a fu coat and in summer he wears a coat an pants. Why is it more dangerous to go out in the spring than any other time of the year ? Be- cause in the spring the grass has blades, the flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the bullrushes out. What is the difference between a hill and a pill ? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down. Why is a lazy dog like a hill ? Because he is a slow pup (slope up). 18 A man and goose once went up in a balloon together, the balloon burst and they landed on a church steeple, how did the man get down ? Plucked the goose. Why is a man riding up a hill like a man taking a young dog to a lady ? Because he is taking a gallop up (gal a pup). Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man ? Because he is always looking down in the mouth and dams all his patients. What is the difference between a king's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an or- phan? A king's son is the heir- apparent, a, monkey's mother is a hairy parent, a bald head has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary a parent. If William Penn's aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices current of their pies ? The pie rates of Penn's Aunts (Pirates of Pen- zance). What celebrated man in English history might you name if you wished to tell your ser- vant to replenish the fire in your grate ? Philip the Great (fill up the grate). A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep and one died, how many remained? Nine- teen. *9 What is the difference between an Irishman on a bleak mountain-top and a Scotchman? One is kilt with the cowld and the other is cowled with the kilt. If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what would the wood come to burned on them for one month ? Come to ashes. What is the difference between Niagara Falls and Queen Elizabeth ? One is a wonder, the other is a Tudor. What is a soldier's definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. Why is it easy to break into an old mans house ? Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few. What word of only three syllables combines in it twenty-six letters ? Alphabet. Where can one always find happiness ? In the dictionary. When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet ? When U and I are one. Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies ? Be- cause he calls every miss a mith. What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. Why are your eyes like friends separated by the ocean ? Because they correspond but never meet. Why is a lady who faints in a public place like a good intention ? Because she needs car- rying out. What is the brightest idea in the world? Your eye, dear. What animal drops from the clouds? The rain, dear (reindeer). I went out walking one day and met three beggars ; to the first I gave ten cents, to the second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I gave but five — what time of day was it ? A quarter to three. What is that which by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose ? Noise. Why is a hen immortal ? Because her son never sets. What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water ? A sponge. What will impress the ear more sharply than a falsetto voice ? A false set of teeth. What is that which is put on the table and cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards. What is the oldest table in the world ? The multiplication table. Which river is the coldest ? The Isis (ice is). Why are cats like unskillful surgeons ? Be- cause they mew till late and destroy patience (patients). Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker ? Because no othei man has fur- nished so many stock quotations. How can you distinguish a fashionable ma i from a tired dog? One wears an entire cos tume, the other wears simply a coat and pant Why is a youth trying to raise a moustact like a cow's tail ? Because he grows down. Why is a professional thief very comfortable ? Because he usually takes things so easy. When is a man obliged to keep his word ? When no one will take it. Why is an attractive woman like a successful gambler? Because she has such winning ways. Why is the food one eats on an ocean steamer like a difficult conundrum ? Because one is obliged to give it up. Why are stout men usually sad? Because they are men of sighs (size). at Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity ? Because they are doing unto each other as they would that men should do unto them. What is the difference between a woman and an umbrella ? You can shut an umbrella up. Why would it be very appropriate for a man named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie ? Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she Annie-mated. Why is this continent like milk ? Because it's ours (it sours). What is the color of the winds and waves in a severe storm ? The winds blew (blue), the waves rose. Why is a baker a most improvident person ? Because he is continually selling that which he kneads himself. What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet done ? Stop a minute. How can you by changing the pronunciation of a word only turn mirth into crime ? By making man's laughter manslaughter. Why is a room full of married people like an empty room? Because there is *ot a single person in it. *3 Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular ? The state of matrimony. Which nation produces the most marriages ? Fascination. When is a horse like a house ? When he has blinds on. Why is a bridegroom often more expensive than a bride ? Because the bride is given away, but the bridegroom is often sold. Why is divinity the easiest of all professions ? Because it is easier to preach than to practice. When is love, deformed ? When it is all on one side. What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt ? One kills to dress, and the other dresses to kill. When was B the first letter in the alphabet ? In the days of No-a (Noah). How can I remove A from the alphabet ? B- head it. Why is A like a honeysuckle ? Because a B follows it. Why is modesty the strongest characteristic of a watch ? Because it always keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works. Why is it rijrht for B to come before C ? Be- cause we must B before we can C. Why are two t's like hops? Because they make beer better. What kind of sense does a girl long for in a disagreeable suitor ? Absence. Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the head of a pair of stairs ? Because it sometimes runs down. Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). What key in music would make a good officer ? A sharp major. What is the key-note to good manners ? B natural. Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp ? Be- cause he is A flat. What do ladies look for when they go to church? The Sams (psalms) and hims (hymns). Why are married men like steamboats ? Be- cause they are sometimes blown up. What ship contains more people than the 4 ' Great Eastern "? Courtship. Why is a ship like a woman ? Because she is often tender to a man-of war ; often running after a smack ; often attached to a buoy (boy) ; and frequently making up to a peer (pier). Why do women make good post-office clerks ? Because they know how to manage the mails (males). Why is lip-salve like a chaperon ? Because it is intended to keep the chaps away. If a paL of andirons cost $7.75, what wou • a ton of coal come to ? To ashes. What is worse than raining cats and dog. c Hailing omnibuses. Why is an umbrella like a pancake ? B j cause it is seldom seen after L,ent. On what day of the year do women talk the least ? The shortest day. What is that which every living person has seen, but will never see again ? Yesterday. What is the difference between dead soldiers and repaired garments ? The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet yours (features). Why may a beggar wear a very short coat ? Because it will be long enough before he gets another. Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out again you see it increases. What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a fountain ? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon wheel ? Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows). When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the congregation. What is the difference between form and cere* mony? You sit upon one and stand on the other. What is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it's ten to one if you catch it. Why can negroes be safely trusted with secrets ? Because they are sure to keep dark. Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal ? Because he always has his back up. Why are doctors bad characters? Because the worse people are the more they are with them. Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unlady- like thing when she married the late Lord Rag- land Somerset ? Because she turned a Somerset. Why can the world be compared to music? Because it is so full of sharps and flats. Why does a goose go into the water ? For diver's reasons. Why does a goose come out of the water ? For sun-dry reasons. Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse ? Because the more you lick it the faster it goes. Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage- stamp ? Because you lick him with a stick and stand him in the corner. Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels ? Be- cause it is in the centre of bliss, w T hile E is in hell and all the others are in purgatory. What is the longest word in the English language ? Smiles, because there is a mile be- tween the first and last letter. Why have chickens no fear of a future state ? Because they have their next world (necks twirled) in this. Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted! Because it is unlawful to condemn a man with- out a hearing. Why is a man who beats his wife like a thor- ough-bred horse? Because he's a perfect brute. What is that which you can keep after giving to some one else ? Your word. Why are teeth like verbs ? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective. Why is Queen Victoria like a hat ? Because they both have crowns. Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean ? Be» cause it contains many currants. Who may marry many a wife and still bo single all his life ? A clergyman. Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Be- cause it once had a Solon (sole on). Why are washerwomen great travelers ? Be- cause they are continually crossing the line and running from pole to pole. What part of a fish is like the end of a book ? The fin-is. What is a common miracle in Ireland ? Wak* ing the dead. Why are bachelors bad grammarians ? Be cause when asked to conjugate they invariably decline. When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum ? When Richard the Third offered his kingdom for a horse. What is the largest room in the world ? The room for improvement. Why is a street-car like the heart of a co- quette ? Because there is always room for one more to be taken in. When may a man be said to breakfast be/:. he gets up ? When he takes a roll in bed. Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers ? Because it won't do for them to crack up their goods. What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady ? A hus- band. Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he requires bailing out. When does a ship tell a falsehood ? When she lies at the wharf. When is a theatrical manager like an as- tronomer ? When he discovers a new star. What is tne difference between a mother ana a barber ? The latter has razors to shave and the former has shavers to raise. Why are pianos noble characters ? Becaujie they are grand, upright, and square. What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated ? Toasts. When is a fowl's neck like a bell ? Whe» it's rung for dinner. Why is a crow the bravest bird in the w T orld ? Because it never shows the white feather. Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold ? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose). Why are some girls like old muskets ? Be- cause they use a good deal of powder, but won't go off. What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an' he licks her). Why is a dirty man like flannel ? Because he shrinks from washing. What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty ? One is happy and careless, and the other is cappy and hairless. Why is a pair of skates like an apple ? Be* cause they have both occasioned the fall of man. What is most like a hen stealing ? A cock- robin. If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to get another ? To a grog-shop, because bad spirits are retailed there. Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port in France Because he is bound to Havre (have her). Why is the opening of a new dry-goods sto like a house on fire ? Because it starts all tl bells (belles) in the city. Why would it be impossible to starve in £ desert of Sahara ? Because of the sand whi« _ is (sandwiches) there. How did the sandwiches get there ? When Ham was sent there with his folio wer§, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). If a tough beefsteak could speak, what Eng- lish poet would it mention ? Chaucer (chaw, sir). Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous ? Because his business makes him sell fish. 3* When is a bonnet not a bonnet ? When it becomes a pretty woman. Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony. Why can a blind man always see his father ? Because the father is always apparent (a parent). What does Washington, D. C, stand for? Washington, daddy of his country. Why was a defeated candidate after the late election, like the earth ? Because he was flat- tened at the poles. When was beef the highest ? When the cow jumped over the moon. What ailment is the oak most subject to? A corn (acorn). Why does a horse eat in a very odd way ? Because he eats best when he has not a bit in his mouth. What is the only organ without stops ? A woman's organ of speech. Give an Irishman's definition of a lake. A hole in the tay-kettle. Why is man superior to woman ? Because woman is only a side issue. 33 Why is a lady when sick at sea like some of our literary men ? Because she is a con- tributor to the Atlantic. Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? 11 Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.' ' What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress ? A little above two feet. Why is a man who never bets as bad as a gambler ? Because he is no bettor (better). When is a cigar like dried beef? When ' is smoked. What table has no legs to stand upon ? The multiplication table. How do young ladies sometimes show tht dislike to mustaches ? By setting their facv against them. Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy ? Because there are three scru- ples to a dram. Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man ? Because it's down in the mouth. What is that which we often return, but never borrow ? Thanks. What animals are always seen at funerals t Black kids. What is the difference between a French pastry cook aud a bill sticker ? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs. Why is it vulgar to sing and play by your- self? Because it's so low (solo). Why is a dog biting his tail like a good manager ? Because he makes both ends meet. Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by day ? Because at night he is let out, and in the day he is taken in. Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo ? Because every man had one kilt before the battle. At what game do the waves of the sea play ? At pitch and toss. Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep ? Because for every grain they give a peck. What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his wife over a bridge ? One is water in the pitcher, the other is pitch her in the water. When is a young lady not a young lady ? When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart). i What confection did they have in the ark ? Preserved pairs (pears). 'S5 Why should architects make excellent actors ? Because they are good at drawing houses. What weapon does a young man use if he kisses a young lady by mistake ? A blunder- buss. What is the difference between an auction and seasickness ? One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail. What should a clergyman preach about? About a half of an hour. Why is an orange like a church steeple ? Be- cause we have a peel from it. What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library ? A cat-alogue. What sea would a man like to be in on a wet day ? Adriatic (a dry attic). Why was the French Empress always in bad company ? Because she was always surrounded by Paris-ites. When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed ? When out at Elba (elbow). When was wit a father ? When a pun be- came apparent (a parent). What grows the less tired the more it works ? A carriage wheel. 36 Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever erected ? Because it was partly built for one sovereign, and finished for another. What is the difference between a cradle and the grave ? The one is for the first-born, the other for the last bourne. How is an elephant's head different from every other head ? Because, if you cut his head off from his body, you don't take it from the trunk. Why does a stingy German like mutton bet- i ter than vension ? Because he prefers ' * zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer. ' ' Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and then cured. Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey ? Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense. If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say ? Tre-mend-us. What trees has fire no effect upon ? Ashes, as when burned, they're ashes still. What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet ? Wilt thou, and it wilted. When is a large river good for th* eyes? When it's eye (high) water. SI What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain. What musical instrument invites you to fish } Cast-a-net. What river is that which runs between two seas ? The Thames, which runs between Chel- sea and Batter-sea. What is the difference between a fishermr and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hoo*; ; the other hates his book. What is that which you break by even flam- ing it ? Silence. When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because they're Arno boats there. What is the smallest bridge in the world ? The bridge of your nose. What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow ? One is hard up, the other is •oft down. What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician ? One lays at pleasure the othei plays at leisure. •3* Why are deaf people like India shawls? Be» pause you can't make them here (hear). Why are book-keepers like chickens ? Be* cause they have to scratch for a living. What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to wish for? One that blows fowl and chops About. What tongue is it that frequently hurts and frieves you, and yet does not speak a word ? lie tongue of your shoe. Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy pro- ceeding ? Because it makes it hollow. What is that from which you may take away the whole and still have some left ? The word wholesome. When is a newspaper the sharpest ? When it is filed. Why is English grammar like gout? Be- cause it's torture (taught yer). Give a good definition of a button. A small cffair that is always coming off. What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, *ver known ? That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. 39 What is the difference between a choir mas- ter and a lady's dress? The one trains a choir, the other acquires a train. Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion ? Because he lives on ropes and paler and thrives. What is a singular and melancholy fact in the history of Milton ? That he could recite his poems but could not resight himself. Why is Canada like courtship ? Because it borders on the United States. • What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress ? One gathers what he sows, the other sews what she gathers. What is the difference between a cow anc an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey). Why is a washerwoman like Saturday ? Be- cause she brings in the clothes (close) of the week. Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not painted. At what time by the clock is a pun most effective ? When it strikes one. What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many answers ? The door-bell. What kind of a book do some men wish theit wives might resemble ? An almanac, for then they could have a new one every year. Why does the conductor cut a hole in your iilroad ticket ? To let you pass through. Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is it specimen of hardware (wear). Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete without a Handel. In what key should a man propose to his sweetheart ? Be mine, ah (B minor). When a church is burning, what is the only part that stands no chance at all of being saved i The organ, because the engine can't play upon it. Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster ? Because we cannot enjoy it without crack- ers. When is a newspaper like a delicate child ? When it appears weekly. If all the seas were dried up, what would old Neptune say? I really haven't an ocean (a notion). Why is the letter A like twelve o'clock ? Be- cause it comes in the middle of day. 4t Why is a false friend like the letter P ? Be* cause, although always first in pity, he is always last in help. What is that which occurs twice in a mo- ment and not once in a thousand years ? The letter M. Why are butchers thieves? Because they steal a knife and cut away with it. Why should a man troubled with the gout make his will ? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees). Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful friend ? Because, although you may load his back with silver, he will reflect on you. What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? The former taiK without reflecting, the latter reflect without talking. Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast steel (Castile). On what supposition could pocket handker- chiefs build a house ? If they became brick (be cambric). Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds ? Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground. '4* When does a man always have brown hands ? When he's tand'em driving. What is that which is seen twice in * ' every day" and four times in " every week," yet only once in a year ? The vowel e. Which are the only two words in the English language where the five vowels follow in suc- cessive order ? Facetious and abstemious. What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same ? Oroonoko. What words may be pronounced quicker and lorter by adding another syllable to them? Quick and short. What word composed of five letters can you take the first two letters from and have one remain ? Stone. Which word in the English language con- tains the greatest number of letters ? Dispro- portionableness. What relation is a child to its own father when it is not its own father's son ? A daugh- ter. What is the difference between the milky way and a room full of great-grandfathers? One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale pas. 43 What was it a blind man took at breakfast which restored his sight ? He took a cup and saw, sir (saucer). Why are pipes all humbug? Because the best of them are all meer-shams. Why is a meerschaum like a water-color artist ? Because it draws and colors beati fully. If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded of? A pair. What is that which a cat has, but no other animal ? Kittens. What are the features of a canon ? Ca aon- mouth, cannon-ize, and cannon-eers. Show that twice ten is equal to twice el Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (twenty, too). What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without transposing a letter? Herein-- he, her, here, ere, rein, in. When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (tea's in it). Why is a portrait like a member of Con- gress ? Because it is a representative. Why is a madman like two men ? Because he is a man beside himself. 44 Who was the first whistler, and what tuu^ did he whistle ? The wind—*' Over the Hills and Far Away.* ' Why is an unbound book like a person in bed ? Because it is in sheets. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgotten ? Because it is out of the head. What is the difference between a glass of water and a glass of whiskey ? Ten cents. Why is a paper like a beggar ? Because it is composed of rags. Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables ? Because it is all heart. Why is an intoxicated man like a noun ad jecMve ? Because he seldom stands alone. Why is a clergyman's horse like a king? Because he is guided by a minister. Why is a man in a garret committing mur« der like a good man? Because he is above committing a bad action. Why was the Parliament of the Common- wealth like Samson ? Because it overthrew a house of lords. Why is an avaricious man like one with 8 ihort memory ? He is always for getting. 49 What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward ? An icicle. Why is a blacksmith's apron like a convent? Because it keeps off the sparks. Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket- book ? Because she is clasped. Why is a wick of a candle like Atkens? Because it is in Greece (grease). Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey ? Because it contains the ashes of the grate (great). Why is a handsome woman like bread? Because she is often toasted. What is that which a coach cannot meve without, and yet is not of the least use to it ? Noise. What does a stone become when in the water? A whetstone (wet stone). When is a very angry man like a clock fifty- nine minutes past twelve? When he is just going to strike one. If you were obliged to swallow a man, what kind of a one would you prefer to swallow ? A little Dublin porter. 4« What question is that to which you must always answer " yes " ? What does y-e-s spell ? What four letters of the alphabet would frighten a thief? O I C U (oh ! I see you). Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly ? Because he is just ice (justice). What is the difference between a new five- cent piece and an old-fashioned quarter? Twenty cents. Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the law ? He goes into the law to get on, he remains in the law to get oner, he retires from the law to get onest. What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle ? Buy a little medicine and get a vial in ? Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things ? D. K. Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island? Because there was a heavy swell on the beach and a sandy cove running up the shore. Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar ? Because it makes the butter-fly. What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? & glove. Barnuin drove a ten-in-hand through New York city, and his horses had only twenty-fout feet among them ; how was that ? They had twenty fore feet. What trade does the sun follow in the month of May ? Mason (May sun). Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States ? Cabinet-makers. Of what trade is a minister at a wedding ? A joiner. Of what occupation is a manager of a theatre ? A stage-driver. What miss is that whose company no one ever wants ? Mis-fortune. What misses are those whose days are alwa^ unlucky ? Mis-chance and mis-hap. What miss is always making blunders ? Mis- take. What misses are of a very jealous temper ? Mis-give and mis-trust. When is it no misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name ? When a young man gives her a better one. When does a dentist do the most work? ttfhen he extracts several acres (achersX 48 Why is an umbrella a paradox ? Because it is best when used up. What happens when a light falls into the water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It goes out. What great surgical operation does the manu* facturing of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree panning. In what way do women ruin their husbands? In buy-ways. Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of endurance? Because he holds on to the last. WTiat part of the face resembles a school- master ? The eyelid, because it always has a pupil under the lash. Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never come until after I. What profession is a postman ? He is a man of letters. At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom ? When long experience has made him sage. Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in fun. Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish or Englishmen ? Englishmen. In Scotlam, there are men of Ayr ; in Ireland men of Cork, but in England are lightermen. When is a boat like a heap of snow ? When it is adrift. What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people ? Columbus. Which is heavier, a half or a full moor ? The half, because the full moon is as light again. What tree is of the greatest importance in history ? The date. When is a man like a frozen rain ? When he is hail (hale). When is a lady's arm not a lady's am? When it is a little bare (bear). Why is a short negro like a white, ma Because he is not a tall black. Why is a very discontented man easily satis- fied ? Because nothing satisfies him. Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves ? Because they ought to be taken up. Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory ? Because it is a secret still. Why are bells the most obedient of inani- mate things ? Because they make a noise whenever they are told. Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us ? Because we call them to take us in. What is the difference between a cat and a comma ? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns the greatest thieves in her Majesty's service ? Because they rifle all the guns, forge the materials, and steel all the gun breeches. How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson of three words ? Never lend them. Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek. Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because they both profess an attachment to the crown. What trade is like the sun ? A tanner's. What is an extra dry subject ? A muram .' What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable woman shopping. Why are hogs like trees ? Because they root for a living. Why Is the moon like a marriage contract r Because it governs the tide. Why do girls kiss each other and metj <*ot ? Because girls have nothing better to kis and men have. What did the muffin say to the toasting fork ? You're too pointed. What composer is most noted of uiodern times ? Chloroform. What is better than to give credit to whon it is due ? Give the cash. Which musical instrument is the most moral ? An upright piano. What is the difference between a dog's tai and a rich man ? One keeps a wagging anc the other keeps a carriage. How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suite* from other men ? He married his wives and axed them afterward. Why does a man's hair generally turn gray sooner than his mustache? Because it is about twenty-one years older. When did George Washington first take a carriage ? When he took a hack at the cherry- ttte* 52 What is the political character of a water* *rheel ? Revolutionary . Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beat- ing her boy ? Because it is a hiding of the son. How can a man make his money go a long way ? By contributing to foreign missions. Why is a person reading these conundrums like a man condemned to undergo a military execution ? Because he is pretty sure to be riddled to death. Where can one always find pleasure and hap- piness ? In the dictionary. During the month of heavy showers, how has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the game ? It has been ' ' put up or shut up ' ' with it all the while. When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory. Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be tri- weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement. 53 When is money damp ? When it is due in the morning and missed at night. What killed Julius Caesar ? Roman punches. How does the postage-stamp have the ad- vantage of the small boy ? It can never be ticked but once. Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh's daughter? They saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks. Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you in with an open countenance. Why are chemists and alchemists both o* the feminine gender ? Because one is an ana- lyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Char- lotte Ann). How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark ? Because he had Ham. My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is a bird ? Whip-poor-will. Why is sympathy like blind man's buff? Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mor- ML 54 Why does the air seem fresher in winter than it does in summer? Because it's kept on ice most of the time. Why are fish well educated ? They have a taste for going in schools. What is the difference between one yard and two yards ? A fence. Why is the letter S like thunder ? It makes our cream sour cream. Which is the easier way to commit suicide, by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether (either) is good. Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest piece of property in England ? Because it was bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign. What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn ? One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. Why are records brittle things? Because they cannot be lowered without breaking. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies ? You sit upon one and stand on the other. Why is a door in the potential mood ? It'a would (wood) or should be. 55 What is the difference between a man going up stairs and one looking up ? One is stepping up the stairs, the other staring up the steps. Why are birds melancholy in the morning ? Because their little bills are all over due. What is there remarkable about a yard-stick ? Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at each end and one in the middle. If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, what would the other one do ? Croak. What makes the waves so wild? It is h-v - ing the wind blow them up. Why are apples like printer's types? Be- cause they are often in pi(e). My first denotes equality, my second, i feriority, and my whole superiority. Match- less. Why are fatigued persons like a wagon wheel? Because they are always tired. Why is a tin can tied to a dog's tail like death? Because it's bound to a cur (occur). Why is a widow like a gardener ? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds. Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony. 5* Why are potatoes and corn like certain sin« tiers of old? Because, having eyes, they see tiot, and having ears they hear not. Why are blind persons compassionate ? Be- cause they feel for other persons. Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow can- dles r Because when exposed to the fire they rum. Why is Satan always a gentleman? Be- cause, being the imp of darkness he can never be imp-o' -light. How much earth is in a hole $% x6^ ft.? None. Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive ? Be- cause she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her. What is the cheapest feature of the face? Nostrils, two for a scent (cent). Why are stout gentlemen prone to melan- choly ? Because they are men of size (sighs). When does the rain become too familiar to a lady ? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on the back. What relation is a door mat to a door step I A step farther. 57 Why is a baker like some very disreputable people ? Because he's a loafer and a white-cap. How many of your relatives live on your property ? Ten-aunts (tenants). What is the difference between a dime dated 1899 and a new dollar ? Ninety cents. Why is a beehive like a spectator ? Because it is a beeholder (beholder). What are the most unsociable things in the world ? Mile-stones, for you never see two of them together. When does a regiment undergo an operation ? When deprived of its arms. What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard ? A pig-sty. What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a sculptor ? One curls up and dies and the other makes faces and busts. Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone ? Because they never saw it. What is majesty deprived of its externals? (M)ajest(Y). 5* Why is a good speller of a spelling match fike a glass of champagne ? Because they both go to the head. When does a lady think her husband a Her- cules ? When fond of his club. Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his gross profits ? Because they are always net. What will make pies inquisitive? S will make spies of them. Why is an empty purse expressive of con* stancy ? Because you find no change in it. When can donkey be spelt with one letter? When it's "U." Why is a tennis player like a society youth of limited means ? He is obliged to miss the ball when it comes high. Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty girl like a man going up Mt. Vesuvius? Be cause he is trying to get at the mouth of the crater. Why should a housekeeper never put the letter M into her refrigerator ! Because it will change ice into mice. What's the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth ? He was a wonder, and she was a Tudor. 59 Why is the letter R indispensable to friend- ship ? Because without it your friends would be fiends. Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them ? KN (cayenne)! What is the difference between a funny fel- low and a butcher? One deals out wit, the other wit-ties. Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have a comb about them. What insect does a blacksmith nianufactvu-e ? He makes the fire-fly. When is a nose not a nose ? When it is a little radish (reddish). When are soldiers best able to draw blisters ? When they are mustered in the service. Why is love like a potato ? Because it shoots from the eyes and gets less by pairing. Why are young men like telescopes ? Be- cause you can draw them out, see through them and shut them up again. Why are cats like unskillful surgeons ? Be- cause they mew-till-late, and destroy patients (patience). 6o What is the difference between a woman and a parasol ? You can shut a parasol up. Why is Sunday the strongest day in the week ? Because the rest are week days. Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? It always has an eye open for busi- ness, and invariably carries its point. When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. Why are soldier's guns always safe? Be- cause every one of them has a lock. When is a man not a man? When he's a shaving. Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle ? Because he will smoke when he is going out. When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye ? When he has a vacancy for a pupil. Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train ? Because the cars invariably run over sleepers. What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble ? A cross bow My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposi- tion, and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in. 6i What grows bigger the more you contract it ? Debt. What tricks are most common among New York policemen ? Patricks. Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week ? There is always a Tur- key in it. Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one ? Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it. Why does a fat man, when squeezed compli- ment the ladies ? Because the pressure makes him flatter. Why is an old man like a window ? He is full of pains (panes). What's the difference between photograph* ing and the whooping cough ? One makes fac similes, the other makes sick families. What is smaller than a mite's mouth ? That which goes into a mite's mouth. What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat ? A kitten. . Why was the dumb waiter returned? Be- cause it didn't answer. 62 Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the world, and yet never five weeks old. The moon. Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins). My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a State of America. Tennes see. Why should a favorite hen be called Mac- duff? Because we wish her to lay on. ^ T hy is the letter G like the sun? It is the v*~re of light. Why are pretty girls like fire-works. Be- - i tse they soon go off. Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because when pur- chased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar. Why would it be hard on ministers to preach Without notes ? Because their families would suffer without the greenbacks. In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak ? In polly silly-bills. My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of the deep. Her-ring. 63 What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato ? None. One is a bee-holder ; a bee-holder is a speck' d 'tatur, and a speck' d * tatur is a bad potato. What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality ? Entertaining a hope. Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he's a pupil under the lash. When may an ocean liner be said to be fool- ishly in love ? When attached to a boy (buoy ) My first is formal, my second is a flowei and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose. Why is a woman's beauty like a bank not Because when once changed it soon goes. What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman ? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander. What fruit is the most visionary ? The apple of the eye. What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? The rail- road. What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they compose ? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes. Why are ladies' eyes like persons remote from one another? Because, although they may correspond, they never meet. Why don't Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm. Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as old as creation. Sun-day. When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes off. What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older. What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them. What is the difference between a young girl *nd an old hat? Merely a difference of time — ■ one has feeling and the other has felt. What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme. Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden ? Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture). What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock is wound up it goes ; when a firm is wound up it stops. «5 How do you know when night is nigh? When the t (tea) is taken away. Why are some women like facts ? Because they are stubborn things. If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At Wanamaker's, where every- thing is retailed, Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster ? He keeps his pupils in darkness. Why is early grass like a penknife ? Be the springs bring out the blades. Why is an old man's farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It's a place whei sons raise meat (sun's rays meet). Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of deeds. Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it's between two seas. What did Ruth do to offend Boaz ? She pulled his ears and trod on his corn. Why are some singers like cheese curds ? Because they require to be pressed. Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what's done cannot be helped 66 Why is a woman like the telegraph ? Be* cause she is always in advance of the mail intelligence. What article that we wear is most affection- ate? A porous plaster, because it becomes very much attached to us. Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard ? Be- cause he takes the pledge but cannot always keep it. Who does the Bible say may carry on a flir- tation ? It says widow's mite (might). Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods ? Because no bad spirits are per- mitted to enter them. Why is grass like a mouse ? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle eat it). Why are convicts like old maids going to be married ? Because they go off in transports. How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover ? She is always followed by a night (knight). Why are the Irish poor like a carpet ? Be* cause they are kept down by tax (tacks). Why is the world like a slate ? Because the children of men do multiply thereon. 67 Why is a defeated army like wool ? Because its worsted. What is the centre of gravity ? The letter V. What three letters turn a girl into a woman ? A-g-e t Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every millionaire sure to be ? A capital fellow. What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by yourself? Your name. When is a soldier like an old toper ? When he re- treats. Why is a policeman like a rainbow ? Because he rarely appears until the storm is over. What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the milk, the swallow skims the water. Why is a man's face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because it's a chin-chilly. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but died without a soul ? The whale that swallowed Jonah. What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist ? One uses wax candles — the other dips. 68 When is a doctor most annoyed ? When ht is out of patients. Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one ? A friend in need is a friend indeed. What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet generally carries its point. Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it's a little ahead of the main hatch. How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate). What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house ? Omit to pay your water tax. What is it that is queer about flowers ? They shoot before they have pistils. What is the best form for a soldier? Uni- form. What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress. When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and taken in in the morning. What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught. 69 Why does a bay horse never pay toll ? Be cause his master pays it for him. Why is the letter S like a pert repartee ? Be- cause it begins and ends in sauciness. What is the best way to keep a man's love ? Not to return it. When is a soldier a wagon maker ? When he makes a wheel. Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner ? Meet for rejoicing. How was Admiral Dewey's naval rank re- duced when he got married ? He became Mrs. Dewey's second mate. Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree ? Because it's farthest from the bark. Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams. What workman never turns to the left ? A wheelwright. Why does a freight car need no locomotive ? The freight makes the car-go. When are weeds not weeds ? When they be- come widows. What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident ? Absence of body. 7o Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied ? Because he rises rapidly in the world and has excellent prospects. What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman ? The letter A, because it makes her hear. What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow ? Invisible green. How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the spring. Why is a man in front of a crowd well sup- ported ? Because he has the press at his back. What subject can be made light of? Gas. If Dick's father be John's son, what relation is Dick to John? His grandson. When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it's chased. When may a man's pocket be empty and yet have something in it ? When it has a hole in it. Why is an engraver fearless of drowning ? Because he is accustomed to die sinking. Why are quinine and gentian like the Ger- mans ? Because they are two tonics (teutonics). 7* Why should the proof-reader of a printing establishment be considered the best read man going? Because there's proof that he reads every hour of the day. When is butter like Irish children ? When it is made into little pats. If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what would each one get ? An equal share. What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships. Why don't foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich ones ? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and with- out either she cannot bank account (a count). Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them. Why is a wedding ring like eternity ? Be- cause it has neither beginning nor end ? What did the blind man say to the police- man when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on? I'd just like to see you. What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a Bacch^na^n and the other a tobacconalian. 79 When Homer called the sea barren, why did it illustrate the age in which he lived? Be- cause it was before Cecrops (sea crops). What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives Way (whey). Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very un- lucky man? Because he is always the thir- teenth at table. What is the difference between a life of leis- ure and a life of idleness ? They are the same thing, only different titles. What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a word of two syl- lables? Plague; ague. A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome : whichever way it is read, it is the same. Civic. What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It must work or it can't play. Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family. Who is it that always has a number of move- ments on foot for making money? A dancing master. 73 In what respect does a piano .amp resemble a society-club man? It has a good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably brilliant, is sometimes unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when only half full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at bed- time, and is bound to smoke. How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark of the trees. Why does a man think of his mother's sli pers when he handles the lines behind a fi well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a spanking pair. What is that which is sometimes with a heau, without a head, with a tail, and without a tail r A wig. Why is a committee of inquiry like a can- non ? It makes a report. What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee. Why are tallest people the laziest ? Because they are always longer in bed than others. Who was the most successful financier men- tioned in the Bible? Noah, because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was in liquidation. 74 What is the difference between the Prince ol Wales and the water in a fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and marked by de- grees. What bird is low-spirited ? The blue-bird. Why don't they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because they can't get a nickel out of a copper. Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation. Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes. Why don't the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a good licking from the English. Why is bread like the sun ? Because it rises from the yeast. When is a chair like a lady's dress ? When its sat-in. When is a soldier like a watch ? When he is on guard. When is a soldier like * king ? When he appears with his pomp-on 75 What object is walking over the water and tinder the water, yet does not touch the water ? A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of water on her head. Why is love like a canal boat ? Because it is an internal transport. When does a chair dislike you ? When it can't bear you. Why is a duel quickly managed ? Because it takes only two seconds to arrange it. What burns to keep a secret ? Sealing-wax. Why is a nobleman like a book ? Because he has a title. What class of women are most apt to give tone to society ? The belles. What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A river. Why is a defeated army like wool ? Because it is worsted. What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a ship ? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity of rocks. 7« What is tliat which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes is a woman and often a man ? We eat toast and drink a toast Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult ? Because it would be foul language. Why is a cherry like a book ? Because it is red (read J. Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers ? 7 -vse they usually begin with little drops. What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but nose? A noise. r y is a four-quart jar like a lady's side- oa^-ne? Because it holds a gal-on (gallon), Why is fashionable society like a warming* pan ? Because it is highly polished but very hollow. Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible means of support. What islands would form a dainty and cheer- ful luncheon for a party? Sandwich and Madeira. What must a good surgeon have to be suc- cessful ? He must have an eagle's eye, a lion'a heart, and a lady's hand. 77 Why is rheumatism like a great eater ? Be* cause it attacks the joints. If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become ! Sin. Why would an owl be offended at your call- ing him a pheasant ? Because you would be making game of him. Why is anthracite coal like true love ? Be- cause it burns with a steady flame. Why is a very amusing man like r bad shot ? Because he keeps the game alive. When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side (go ins'' • Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe ? Because it is always on the Spree. Which is the favorite word with women I The last one. Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man ? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles). Luke had it first, Paul had it last ; boys never have it ; girls have it but once ; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she married Pat Murphy she never had it again ? The letter L. 7« * Why are ladies the biggest thieves in exist- ence ? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their dresses. Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has confidence in all that is told to him ? Because he re-lies on all he hears. When does a farmer double up a sheep with- out hurting it ? When he folds it. What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he had cultivated hot- house lilac bushes that attained a height of over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that. Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill. What is the most engaging work of art ? A fashionable young lady. Who is the oldest lunatic on record ? Time out of mind. Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the waves on the seashore ? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied). 79 What bird is rude ? The mocking bird, Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop ? Because it shaves the green. When may a loaf of bread be said to be in- habited ? When it has a little Indian in it Why are ships like fortunes ? Because they are built on stocks. How does a soldier know when it is time to fight ? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt. At what age should a man marry ? At the parsonage. What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question ? Acquiescence. When is a soldier like a horse ? When he draws a load. Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind ? Because you never knew a man in love that did not see ten, times more in his sweet- heart than others did. Why are fixed* stars like wicked old men ? Because they scintillate (sin-till-late). Why is an egg underdone like an egg over* done ? They are both hardly done. So Why is a man 1 happier with two wives than tvith one ? He may be happy with one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported. Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because it's always on the rock, but never moves. Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers ? Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags. Why is a comprehensive action an affection- ;e one ? It embraces everything. What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim's Progress? A Bunyan (bunion). When is a lady's hair like the latest news? When it's in the papers. Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when found ? Because it's re-covered. Why is a coachman like the clouds ? Be- cause he holds the reins. Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels ? To save their soles (souls)* 81 Who was the most successful surveyor om record ? Alexander Selkirk, for he was mon- arch of all he surveyed. Who is a man of grit ? A sugar refiner. Why is the letter W like scandal ? Because it makes ill will. What is one of the rules of war ? That it is death to stop a cannon ball. Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when we make application for a copy of our portrait, the}' always reply with a negative. What cord is that which is full of knot-, which no one can untie, and which no one can tie? A cord of wood. Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist. When does the wind most resemble a book- seller? When it keeps stationary (stationery). What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins ? It will give you many good points. * Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers ? Because they write about face* 82 I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then I went home with it because I could not find it. A sliver. Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation ? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is com- pletely wound up. Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight out of mind. How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law ? Jonah was a stranger and he took him in. When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith's shop? Because it contains fowl-in pieces. Why is asparagus like most sermons ? Be- cause it is the end of it that people enjoy most. What is the fruit of finance? Current coin. How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale ? He was down in the mouth, and went to blubber. Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it. 83 Why is your nose in the middle of youi face ? Because it is the scenter. Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly ? Because it works and plays at the same time. Whose best works are most trampled on ? The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer than bad ones. When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the preserves. Why are clergymen like brakemen? Be- cause they do a great deal of coupling. When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an understanding between them. Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys. Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it's past-your-age (pasturage). Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is the drawing room. Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn-field? Because so many ears are there and they would be shocked. 8 4 What part of a fish weighs most? Th« scales. When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the road. Why are printers liable to bad colds? Be- cause they always use damp sheets. What fruit does a newly married couple resemble ? A green pear (pair). Can you tell the best, way to make the mrs go fast ? Use the spur of the moment. Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot ? Be- cause brevity's the sole of it. Why are parliamentary reports called " Blue Books ? ' ' Because they are never re(a)d. Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid ? Because she cannot be plain Why is a sheep like a professional gambler ? Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last. Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man ? Because he stops at the sound of wo. What city is drawn more frequently than any other ? Cork. 85 Why is a bookbinder like charity ? Because he often covers a multitude of faults. Why should an artist never be short of cash > If he knows his business he can always draw money. What do we often catch yet never see ? Passing remarks. Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their kisses. What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the occupant when it does ? The rent. What three acts comprise the chief busmen of a woman's life? Attract, contract, and detract. Why is a prudent man like a pin ? Because his head prevents him from going too far. Why are some of our officers like a dancing master's toes? Because they must be turned out. What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues. Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law. 86 If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would leave first? D would begin the descent. When you listen to a drum why are you a g*od judge ? Because you hear both sides. Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in audible. Why is a coward like a leaky barrel ? Be- cause they both run. If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him ? A widow's mite. Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on ? Her coachman. Why was " Uncle Tom's Cabin " not written by a woman's hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher's toe). What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi). Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together ? Because the dog puts down three and carries one. When is a house like a bird? When it has wings. 87 What moral lesson does the weathet coca teach ? It is vane to a-spire. When is a lawyer like a beast of burden ? When drawing a conveyance. When is a soldier like a watch ? When he is on guard. What are the embers of the expiring year ? Nov-ember and Dec-ember. How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living ? By foul means. When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope's bull. Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there. Why does a maltese cat rest better in sum- mer than in winter ? Because summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow). Is there anything a man with a kodak can- not take ? Yes, a hint. Why do American soldiers never run away ? They belong to a standing army. Why does tying a slow horse to a post im« prove his pace ? It makes him fast 88 What is it that a man, no matter how smaif he is, overlooks? His own nose. What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper. Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin. Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing. A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two ducks ; how many ducks were there in all ? Three. What word of ten letters can be spelled with five ? X-p-d-n-c (expediency). Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one ? Because it is a tip-top apple. How many fathers has a man ? Nine : his father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers. Why would a spider appear to have wings ? Because it often takes a fly. Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic } It is bound to the country with the strongest ties. What Is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his own mind. Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn ? Be* cause it is the greatest of modern composers. Do women like to see themselves in print ? No ; they prefer silk or satin. Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Be cause they have to scratch for a living. Who is the man who invariably finds thing - dull ? The scissors grinder. Why is the first chicken of a brood like * :~ mainmast of a ship? Because it's a lin,*c ahead of the main hatch. Why is a book your best friend and com- panion? Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense. Why is a man in front of a crowd well sup- ported ? Because he has the press at his back. What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen. Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards ? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves 90 When may ladies who are enjoying them- selves be said to look wretched ? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers. Why should a minister be believed ? Because he is nearly always accurate (a curate). Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to everybody he meets. What should be looked into ? A mirror. Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has Greece on the bottom. I partake alike in your joys, and your sor- rows, and your home would not be home without me. L,etter O. How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia ? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile. Why should colts avoid exposure ? Because they might take cold and become a little horse (hoarse). In what respect is matrimony a game of cards ? Why, a woman has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and after that hex hand is his. 91 When is a new dress older than an old one ? When it's more (moire) antique. What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice ? Cat-nip. Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter ? Because he is an utterer of bad notes. I am the first, and one of seven, I live betwixt the seas and heaven; Look not below, for I am not there, My home is in the ancient air. Come to my second, behold how fair I am, how bright and how debonair; A pleasant vision and a beauty, A thing of life and joy and duty; My youth is changed — I live alone, My views are crossed — my hopes are gone; My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, My singing now is all heigh-ho. A lass (alas). What affection do landlords most appreci- ate? Parental (pay-rental). When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces ? They go into mourning (morning). Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. 9* Why is a book like a king ? Because it has many pages. When are two apples alike ? When pared. When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it create a great con- tinental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of China. Vhat time should an inn keeper visit a ldry ? When he wants a bar-maid. fhy was Blackstone like an Irish vege- table ? Because he was a common 'tatur (com- mentator). Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the owner of many tales and they all come out of his head. What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster. What is an eaves-dropper ? The icicle. What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except by sticking at it ? Bill-posting, 93 Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out ? Because she has not a spark left. In what place are two heads better than one ? In a barrel. Why are bells used to call people to church ? Because they have an inspire ring influence. What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands still ? The road. What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It vanishes into the empty heir (air). When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. When is a bill like a gun ? When it is pre- sented and discharged. Why is a windy orator like a whale ? Be- cause he often rises to spout. Why is a railroad track a particularly senti- mental object? Because it is bound by close ties. What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries. 94 What is that which increases the more it is shared by others ? Happiness. What is taken from you before you get it ? Your portrait. When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried ? When he stands a loan. What melancholy fact is there about a cal- endar? There is no time when its days are not numbered. What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters ; because they die-just (digest) before they are eaten. Who are the men who have made their hose who can't write. Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place ? Because he is out of the heat. Why are park railings like a lady's corset? Because they confine a deer (dear). Do you know what is the oldest piece of fur- niture in the world ? The multiplication table. What is the debt for which you cannot be sued ? The debt of nature. When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service. 95 Why is the woodsman's ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down and then cuts it up. Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people ? Because he is a host himself. Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl ? Because it becomes a woman. Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil ? Because it has no point. If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick it up ? Becav. if. you may be arrested for passing it. Why is Queen Victoria like a hat ? Becat they both have crowns. Why is love always represented as a child ? Because it never reaches the age of discretion. What key opens the penitentiary for a dissi- pated man? Whis-key. . Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet's father? Because he could a tail unfold. Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it's part-ridges. 9& When is a dog most like a human beinf ? When he is between a man and a boy. , How does a boy look if you hurt him ? It makes him yell Oh ! (yellow). Why didn't the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remain- ing. Why is there some reason to doubt the ex- istence of the Giant's Causeway ? There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one of the reasons. Why are good husbands like dough ? Be- cause women need them. Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen. When does a man feel girlish ? When he makes his maiden speech. What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen ; the other steals it. What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife to return? Catches it when he gets home. *7 What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet ? A coat of paint. What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan. How can you make a tall man short ? Bor- row money of him. Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are stationary (station- ery). Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he would always have a cataract in the eye. What bridge is warranted to support any strain ? The bridge of a fiddle. What is that, which though black itself, en- lightens the world ? Ink. Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring ? Because the bullrush is out, the cow- slips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are shooting. Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers. Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers ? Because it has a dozen mouths. Why is the fly the best one among the grocers' customers? Because, when he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot. Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a soar point with him. Why is a Chinaman never perplexed ? Be- cause no matter where he finds himself he always has his cue. What is the most popular paper at the sum- mer resorts ? Fly-paper. In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to each other ? They are brothers — brothers-in-law. Why is St. Paul like a white horse ? Be* cause they both like Timothy. Why do men go out of the theatre? Be- cause some plays are so solemn that the men have to go out to smile. Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man ? Because it is infirm. What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the other breaks hearts. ^9 What is the difference between man and butter ? The older a man gets the weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is. When did Caesar first visit the Irish ? When he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge it (Bridget). What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room ? An Israe-lite. How is it that the Queen is a poor gentle- woman ? She possesses only one crown. Why is the letter B like a hot fire ? Because it makes oil boil. Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal ? Because he is sea-cured (secured). When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor. Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your private history is repeated by your neighbors. When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats to a bar. IOO If a two- wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and * three- wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would you call a five- wheeled one? A V-hicle of course. Why is a ferry boat like a good rule ? Be- cause it works both ways. What part of London is like a lame man ? Cripplegate (cripple-gait). What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Right- 3usness. How do we know the nightingales are sports ? Because they have a high time after dark. When is water most likely to escape ? When it is only half-tide. What is always behind time? The back of a clock. What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine). What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy ? One is a strong will and the other is a strong won't. IOI Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world ? A true balance, or pair of scales. What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland. / Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it has not had a nap in ten years. Why are spiders good correspondents ? Be- cause they drop a line by every post and at every house. What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive ? Ex-pensive. What is the sure sign of an early spring ? A cat watching a hole in the wall with her back up. A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you do in every- thing — excel (Xly) Pray find a word that will produce a chaif ana table ? Char i-table. Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it in the last place you look ? Because you always stop looking when you find it. 102 Why Is the world like a cat's tail ? Because $t is fur to the end of it. What is the most difficult lock to pick ? One from a bald head. If Rider Haggard had been Ivew Wallace, who would ' ' She ' ' have been ? ' ' Ben-Hur. ' ' What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig's tie. Why is snow like a maple tree ? Because it leaves in the early spring. Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible ? Baron (barren) figtree. If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of stationery would he get ? Ceiling whacks, (sealing wax.) What is a good thing to part with? A comb. If your uncle's sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you ? Your mother. Why is a pig the most provident of all animals ? Because he always carries a spare- rib about him- Way is the church of St. Paul, London, like 9 bird ^ nest? Because it was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren). For what profession are the members of a colle^y boat crew best fitted ? For dentistry, because they have a good pull. Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat ? Because each morning she returns to dust. Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse-car be successful ? Because he does a driving business. What paradox may often be found in a flower garden ? A white pink. Why do carpenters have great faith in sooth- sayers ? They cannot work without an auger (augur). What does a yawning policeman resemble ? An open-faced watch. Why is a crow like a lawyer ? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard. What is the political character of a water- wheel ? Revolutionary . Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well, Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because she's a-mountin'. What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general ? C-PO (Scipio). Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one reign there in over fifty years. Why is a nice, but nucultured girl like brown sugar? Because sh' ^ sweet but unrefined. Why are some .vomen very much like tea- ttles ? Because they sing away pleasantly d then all at once boil over. What is the best way to keep fish from elling? Cut off their noses. Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood will tell. Which is the easier profession, a doctor's or a clergyman's? A clergyman's : he preaches, the doctor practices. How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind. How does light get through a prism? If hews (hues) its way through- i<>5 When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning. What can pass before the sun without making a shadow ? The wind. Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper ? B ecause its insides would really be read. Why should the number 288 never be men- tioned in company ? Because it is two gross. When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey ? When he is going to Bray. Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they're always for-getting something. What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E- Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite ? Because it is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue. What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C's are. Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it's a catarrh-act. When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring. lo6 What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock. What would you expect to find on a literary man's breakfast table? Bacon's Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley fragments. When is a sick man a contradiction ? When he is an impatient patient. What is the dog-star announced to be ? A sky-terrier. What is the difference between a tunnel and peaking trumpet ? One is hollowed in, the other is halloaed out. When may a man be said to be literally im- mersed in business ? When he's giving a swimming lesson. What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world ? A sculptor. What wind do we naturally look for after Lent ? An Easter-ly one. How do little fish have a proper idea of busi- ness ? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale. When do cards most resemble waive*? When they belong to a pack. *07 What vine does beef grow on ? The bo-vine. What is the difference between the Mormons* religion and their wives? Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural. When is a man duplicated? When he's beside himself. If a well known animal you behead, Another one you will have instead. Fox (f-ox). Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds ? He is pat-rolling. Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old ? She has not muchon'er in her own country. Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed ? Be- cause one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a sure horse. When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell the hour to begin dancing? At- ten-dance (attendance). What is the greatest physical feat ever per- formed? Wheeling, West Virginia, on the Ohio. What does an envelope say when it is licked ? Just shuts up and says nothing about it. «98 Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror ? She's a good looking lass. When is an army totally destroyed ? When the soldiers are all in quarters. Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay). Why is a postman in danger of losing his way ? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers. Vhat killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot vf. -v £e. What is the difference between a watchmaker ar»d a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells. Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are continually prac- ticing at the bar. What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal ? Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous) What motive had the inventor of railways in view ! A loco-motive. With what do the mermaids tie up thei? hair ? With a marine bar>^ log What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree. What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible ? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles. Why is a banker's clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is continually taking notes. Use me well and I am everybody ; scratch my back and I am nobody. A looking-glass. What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door ? John Knox Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter ? Because he gives the players a cue. Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler ? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her clothes. Why is the bank of England like a thrush ? It often changes its notes. What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know it? A coffin. Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every suit. no When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to " all." What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair ? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair. Why is a young lady like a promissory note ? Because she ought to be settled when she arrives at maturity. What is that which always goes with its head downward ? A nail in your shoe. y is a man just put in prison like a boat \l\ of water? Because he wants bailing -it. What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best ? One that is for bidding. Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he is very poor clay and should be fired. Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures. When a young man calls upon his sweet- heart what should he carry with him ? Affec- tion in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections in his pockets. Ill What is that which Adam never saw, nevei possessed, yet left two to each of his children ? Parents. When may a base-ball nine say its "cake is all dough ' ' ? When it does not have a good batter. Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg ? Because when you lose a leg you lose some- thing to boot. What key in music will make a good officer ? A sharp major. Why were the Jews of old like bad debts ? Because they killed the prophets (profits). What is political economy ? Splitting your vote. What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it ? Flattery. What jury of twelve tries us for a year ? The twelve months ; they all try us. What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken ? An army. What is the difference between a very fasci- nating young lady and her watch ? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes one forget them. IJ2 Why is an egg like a colt ? Because it is not fit for use until it is broken. Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball? Because both look worn out when they lose their nap. What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge. When does a cook break the game law? 7hen she poaches eggs. Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow can- die ? Because he smokes when he is going out. What way of showing wrath has a tea ket- Ve ? It sings sweetest when it is hottest. Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper ? Because you put your foot in it. Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways. Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill? Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser). What money brings the most substantial interest ? Matri-mony. "3 What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese actor loses his head ? He is pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time. Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). Why is the inside of everything mysterious ? Because we cannot make it out. Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother's government like a rainbow ? Because it's the son's reflection on a steady reign. Biblical Conundrums Biblical Conundrums Who was the first man spoken of in the Bible ? Chap. I (chap first). Who was the first woman spoken of in the Bible ? Genesis (Jennis Sis). At what time of day was Adam created ? A little before Eve. Spell "Adam's Express Company " with three letters. E-v-e, What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the son's answering ? Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad). Who was a very short man spoken of in the Bible ? Nehemiah (knee-high Miah). Who was the strongest man spoken of in the Bible ? Jonah, because the whale couldn't keep him down. Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible ? Samson, because he brought the house down filled with his enemies. Who was the shortest man spoken of in the Bible ? Beldad the Shuhite (shoe height). H7 n8* Where was paper currency spoken of first in the Bible ? Where the dove left the ark and brought a green back. Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark ? Because, although the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). Who took the first newspaper ? Cain took A Bell's (Abel's) Life, and Joshua counter- manded the Sun. What proof have we that Moses was the most wicked man who ever lived ? Because he broke the Ten Commandments all at once. How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel (able). Where was sestheticism first spoken of in the Bible ? Where the I^ord made Balaam's ass to utter. When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible ? When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain (cane). What fur did Adam and Eve wear ? Bear (bare) skin. Who was the fastest runner in the world ? Adam, because he was first in the race. When did Moses sleep five in a bed ? When he slept with his fore fathers. 119 The following is a good sell if properly led lip to : Who was the first man ? Adam ? Who was the first woman ? Eve. Who killed Cain ? The answer will very likely be Abel. What did Job's wardrobe consist of? Three wretched comforters. What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve which read backward and forward the same ? Madam, I'm Adam. Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest ? Because it had no Eve. How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o' dice was taken away from them. What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the expulsion ? Adam aint in (adamantine). What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden ? They raised Cain. Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him ? Because he had no knife. Why was Eve made? For Adam's express company. Who was the straightest man mentioned in the Bible ? Moses, because Pharaoh made a ruler of him. ISO Vnat evidence have we that Adam tided sugar ? Because he raised Cain. Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life ? Adam. Why was the giant Goliath very much aston- ished when David hit him with a stone ? Be- cause such a thing had never entered his head beforeT Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? The widow's mite and the kicked flee. How is it that Methusalah was the oldest jttan when he died before his father? His £ ther was translated. How many soft boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat on an empty stomach ? One, after which his stomach was not empty. What was the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah's ark ? One was Maid of Orleans, the other was made of wood. Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark ? On the head. Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had 'em). What church did Eve belong to? Adam thought her Eve-angelical. Iff What two anin^als carried the least into the ark ? The fox and. cock, because they carried only a brush and comb between them. Who had the first entrance into a theatre ? Joseph, when he was taken from the family circle and put into the pit. In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him ? In the ark. What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt ? He took a fresh one. Who first introduced salt meat into the navy Noah, when he took Ham into the ark. What animal took most baggage into th f ark ? The elephant, who took his trunk. What confection did they have in the ark ? Preserved pairs (pears). What man mentioned in the Bible had no father ? Joshua, the son of Nun. What reason have we to think that Moses wore a wig ? Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron and sometimes without 'Air on (hair on). Why was Noah like a hungry cat ? Because he went forty days and forty nights without finding Ararat. 122 If Solomon was the son of David and Joab was the son of Zeruiah what relation was Zeruiah to Joab ? His mother. Note. — Most persons will answer "his father," not remembering that Zeruiah was a woman. If " Moses was the son of Pharaoh's daugh- ter/ ' then he must have been the daughter of Pharaoh's son. Note.— -Most persons will say that it was im- possible for Moses to have been a daughter, etc. It will aid in understanding it to connect the words thus ; " daughter-of-Pharoah/s son. ,, Poetical Conundrums Poetical Conundrums Legs I have, but seldom walk ; I backbite all, yet never talk. A flea. I came to a field and couldn't get through it ; So I went to a school and learned how to do it. Fence. My first I hope you are, My second I see you are, My whole I know you are, Wel-come. My first's a dirty little brute, My second's at the end on't ; My third like many an honest man. Is on a fool dependent. Pig-tail, i By equal division — I know I am right — The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight. XIII JHj VIII. My number, definite and known, Is ten times ten told ten times o'er ; One-half of me is one alone, The other exceeds all count and score. Thou-sand. I?5 1*6 There's a word composed of three letters alone, Which reads backwards and forwards the same; It expresses the sentiments warm from th% heart, And to beauty lays principal claim. ^ Eye. The cat did my first with a curl of her tail, When the game she had made quite secure By means of my second and not of my whole, As she ought to have done, I am sure. Pur-chase- Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, Who is that highly favored man, Who though he has married many a wife, May still live single all his life ? A clergyman. Can you tell me why a hypocrite's eye Can better descry than you or I, On how many toes a pussy cat goes ? A man of deceit can best count-er-feit ; And so, I suppose, can best count her toea Without my first you'd look very strange, My second you much want to be ; My whole is what many a lady has worn, At a ball, an assembly, or play. Nose-gay, **7 Two letters often tempt mankind, And those who yield will surely find Two others ready to enforce The punishment that comes of course. X-S and D-K (excess and decay). My first doth affliction denote, Which my second is destined to feel ; My whole is a sweet antidote That affliction to soothe and to heal. Wo-man ! My first of anything is half, My second is complete ; And so remains until once more My first and second meet, Semi-circle. My first makes company, My second shuns company, My third assembles company, My whole puzzles company. Co-nun-drums. Safe on a fair one's arm my first may rest, And raise no tumult in a husband's breast ; To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly, The want of legs my second will supply. My whole's a rival of the fairest toast, And when I'm liked the best I suffer most Muf-fiu, I2S~ What is that which is The beginning of eternity, The end of time and space, The beginning of every end, The paste/ then let locomotive B back its eight cars and, turning on the siding, connect the two halves of its train raid move off past a, the train A moving on at the same time past b. A and B went to market with 30 pigs each. A sold his pigs at 2 for $1, and B sold his pigs at the rate of 3 for $1, and they, together, re- ceived $25. The next day A went to market alone with 60 pigs, and, wishing to sell at the -154 4ame rate, sold them 5 for $2, and received only $24. Why should he not receive as much as when B owned half of the pigs ? Answer. — The rate of 2 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $J, and the rate of 3 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $} ; the average rate is 2 pigs for $i+$h or $f , or 1 pig for $/ ? . The rate of 5 pigs for $2 is 1 pig for $f . 3o it is seen that the reason A aid not receive as much is that he sold his pigs at a less rate than wl ;: they both went to market. Two hunters killed a deer and sold it by the pound in the woods. They had no proper means of weighing it, but knew their own weights— one 130 pounds and the other 190 pounds. They placed a rail across a fence so that it balanced with one of them on each end. They then exchanged places, the lighter man taking the deer in his lap, and the rail ag*in balanced; what was the weight of the deer ? Answer. — Let the weight of the deer be denoted by D ; then, by the principles of the lever, we have the proportion : 130 : 190 = 190 : 130 + D ; Or, 130 (130 + D) = 190 X 19° J Whence, 16900 + 130 D = 36100 ; Or, 130 D = 19200 ; And, D=I47tV Who can solve the following problem ? A hundred and one by fifty divide, hud next let a cipher be duly applied, 155 And if the result you should rightly divine, You'll find that the whole makes but one out of nine. Explanation.— CI, CU, CLIO (Clio, the muse of history, one of the nine muses). Suppose the figure to represent railroad tracks, C D and E F being each the length of a car or loco- motive, and a and b each representing a car on the track and c representing a locomotive on E F. Now how can the locomotive change the relative position of a and b so that b will be on the track where a is and a will be on the track where b is ? Answer. — The locomotive c backs a down and out toward A, then runs over toward B and backs b up on E F, then runs back toward B and goes over toward A, then runs up C E and draws b down on CE. then runs over toward A and gets car a, draws it over toward B and backs it up on D E. It can also be readily done by first backing a down on A C and drawing to and leaving it on C D. 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