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INTRODUCTION 
 
 From time immemorial a brilliant wit has been 
 regarded by his less splendidly endowed fellows 
 as an uncrowned king. He is raised to a seat 
 among the elect, and posterity continues to re- 
 peat the bright and keen sayings of him who, 
 mayhap, has been dust for ages. The influence 
 of such men has been immense, whether for good 
 or evil, and it is perhaps fortunate that the gift 
 of ready retort has been granted to but few. 
 
 The war of words is unending, and, like the 
 knights of old who were always armed cap-a-pie 
 and ready to break a lance on any occasion, so 
 the brilliant mind is always on the alert, ready 
 to tilt with friend or foe, and woe to the one giv- 
 ing an opening for cut or thrust. To be able to 
 seize on the instant the wordy weapon of a rival, 
 and, by the apt twisting of one of his own 
 phrases, or, by the merest change in one of his 
 own expressions, to so alter the whole tenor of his 
 remark as to ward off his attempted ridicule and 
 turn the laugh against him, — this is Wit. 
 
 Any fool, given time and topic, can, by labori- 
 ous effort and much travail, whittle out some- 
 thing that might pass as a witticism. But onty 
 the most brilliant minds can, on the spur of the 
 3 
 
4 INTRODUCTION 
 
 moment, skirting the aggressor's prepared pit of 
 ridicule, turn his badinage against himself and 
 lead him to his own undoing. 
 
 How easy it would be for all to be witty to- 
 morrow or the day after, if the occasion would 
 only wait. 
 
 There is no weapon more feared by man than 
 ridicule, and no wounds are deeper and heal more 
 slowly than those caused by the tongue. Vol- 
 taire was more feared than any man in Europe 
 on account of his caustic wit and cutting tongue. 
 
 Point out a man capable of coining a real jeu 
 d'esprit, and you will have before you the pos- 
 sessor of a brilliant mind : it matters not whether 
 he be educated or uneducated, prince or peasant, 
 billionaire or beggar, the mind rises superior to 
 adversity and shines with no uncertain lustre. 
 
 Many witticisms have their origin from the 
 lowliest sources, but only the brilliant mind is 
 capable of a genuine bon-mot. 
 
 To draw the line between wit and vulgarity 
 requires the nicest discrimination. Only too 
 often the line is overstepped, and what is in- 
 tended for wit descends to vulgarity and ob- 
 scenity. 
 
 To such men as Fox, Curran, Supple, Parr, 
 Parson, and a host of others, we are under last- 
 ing obligations for their legacy of brilliant rep- 
 artee, witty sa}'ings and inimitable bon-mots. 
 
 The jests contained in these volumes were com- 
 piled by the versatile John Mottley in 1739. and 
 were published under the title Joe Miller's 
 
INTRODUCTION 5 
 
 Jvst Book. They form a complete collection 
 of the facetiae of those times. 
 
 This old Jest Book, popular for so many 
 years, is now extremely rare in its original form. 
 This scarcity is due greatly to the fact that num- 
 berless copies have been literally " thumbed out 
 of existence." From the ashes of the past this 
 famous book is now resurrected and once again 
 brought to general notice, in full confidence that 
 like another Phoenix, tried by the fire of time, 
 it will renew its youth and afford the same pleas- 
 ure and profit to the readers of to-day that it 
 did to those of long ago. 
 
 Those who are well acquainted with the hu- 
 mourous literature of other countries as well as 
 that of our own, must confess that if our jest 
 books, both ancient and modern, were stripped of 
 all that is borrowed, the number of jokes we 
 could really claim would be small indeed. Per- 
 haps the best joke in the whole book is in its 
 name, Joe Miller's Jest Book. Joe Miller 
 (1&4&-1738) was a comedian of the most tad- 
 ^ turn disposition, and it is a well authenticated 
 fact that he was never known to originate a jest 
 or utter a bon-mot; and yet we have the strange 
 anomaly of a man so little given to humour, 
 fathering the most popular jest book ever pub- 
 lished, and being the reputed author of every 
 bon-mot of past generations. 
 
 Gathered from all corners of the globe within 
 these covers, the reader will find the wittiest say- 
 ings, the most brilliant jests and the subtlest 
 
6 INTRODUCTION 
 
 repartee of the men who have made history. In 
 the two volumes herewith presented without 
 abridgment, and with no additions, the reader 
 will find a reprint of the best edition in existence 
 of this old book. 
 
 In its hundred or more years of popularity, 
 an index has never before been attempted, and 
 in the preparation of one for this edition, no 
 pains have been spared to classify the jests so 
 that they can be readily referred to. It has been 
 found necessary to index a number of para- 
 graphs under the head of " Miscellaneous," as 
 there was nothing distinctive in them under 
 which they could be classified. 
 
 No reader can open these pages without find- 
 ing something to instruct, much to interest and 
 more to amuse him. He will be surprised at the 
 number of jests which, decked out in new ap- 
 parel, have only recently been dished up to him 
 as something entirely original, and before he has 
 reached the end of these volumes he will be very 
 much of the opinion that 
 
 " There is nothing new under the sun." 
 Andrew G. Dickinson, Jr. 
 
PREFACE 
 
 A Celebrated comedian has lately furnished 
 the public with an account of the origin of Joe 
 Miller's Jest Book, which, as it is not gener- 
 ally known, may not be unacceptable to the read- 
 ers of the present volume. He states " that Joe 
 Miller, who has fathered our jests for the last 
 half century, never uttered a jest in his life. 
 Though an excellent comic actor, he was the most 
 taciturn and saturnine man breathing. He was 
 in the daily habit of spending his afternoons at 
 the Black Jack, a well-known public house in 
 Portugal Street, Clare Market, which was at that 
 time frequented by most of the respectable 
 tradesmen in the neighbourhood, who, from Joe's 
 imperturbable gravity, whenever any risible say- 
 ing was recounted, derisively ascribed it to him. 
 After his death,* having left his family unpro- 
 vided for, advantage was taken of this badin- 
 age. A Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of 
 that day, was employed to collect all the stray 
 jests, then current on town. Joe Miller's name 
 
 * His remains were interred on the east side of the 
 burial ground of St. Clements Danes, in Portugal 
 Street, Clare Market ; where a stone still marks the 
 spot, and commemorates his virtues. 
 . 7 
 
8 PREFACE 
 
 was prefixed to them, and from that day to this, 
 the man who never uttered a jest has been the re- 
 puted author of every jest, past, present, and to 
 come." The original edition of Joe Miller is 
 the basis of the present publication : and no pains 
 have been spared to render the copious additions 
 now made to that celebrated Collection of Jests 
 equally attractive. The brilliant sayings of the 
 sages of antiquity, and the polished wit and 
 broad humour of modern times, have alike con- 
 tributed to enliven our pages. Numerous pub- 
 lications have been examined for this purpose; 
 and many flashes of the lightning of speech con- 
 ducted from the circles which they originally 
 brightened. 
 
 Upon examining the remarkable anecdotes 
 which are interspersed throughout the volume, it 
 will be found that they owe their admission to the 
 power they possess of conferring amusement as 
 well as information. 
 
 We are aware that a jest may please one, 
 which displeases another ; make one laugh, while 
 another keeps his countenance ; that the wit may 
 in one respect seem fine, in another mean: for a 
 jest lias various perfections, which are not al- 
 ways found united ; and different readers may 
 consider the same story from different points of 
 view. Though we cannot, in every instance, 
 hope to please all, yet we have endeavoured to 
 ward off censure, by carefully distinguishing 
 true and genuine wit from that which is false 
 and spurious. 
 
TREFACE 9 
 
 But in such a vast variety of subjects, the most 
 fastidious, we are persuaded, will find much to 
 excite his mirth, and to enrich his mind; while 
 the lover of real humour will discover in every 
 page an ample fund of entertainment. 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 1. — When William Penn the Quaker was 
 brought before the Lord Mayor and Recorder 
 for preaching, he insisted upon knowing what 
 law he had broken — to which simple question the 
 Recorder was reduced to answer " that he was an 
 impertinent fellow, — and that many had studied 
 thirty or forty years to understand the law, which 
 he was for having expounded in a moment." The 
 learned controversialist, however, was not to be 
 silenced so easily ; — he quoted Lord Coke and 
 Magna Charta on his antagonist in a moment, 
 and chastised his insolence by one of the best and 
 most characteristic repartees that we recollect 
 ever to have met with — " I tell you to be silent," 
 cried the Recorder in a great passion, " if we 
 should suffer you to ask questions till to-morrow 
 morning you would be never the wiser." — 
 " That," replied the Quaker, with immovable 
 tranquillity, " that is according as the answers 
 are." — " Take him away, take him away," ex- 
 claimed the Mayor and Recorder in a breath, 
 " turn him into the Bail Dock." 
 
 2. — When Sir Richard Steele was fitting 
 up his great room in York Buildings, which he 
 intended for public orations, he happened at a 
 11 
 
12 JOE MILLER 
 
 time to be pretty much behind-hand with his 
 workmen, and coming one day among them, to 
 see how they went forward, ordered one of them 
 to get into the rostrum, and make a speech, that 
 he might observe how it could be heard ; the fel- 
 low mounting, and scratching his pate, told him, 
 he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no 
 orator. " Oh ! " said the knight, " no matter for 
 that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." — 
 " Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, " we 
 have been working for you these six weeks, and 
 cannot get one penny of money : pray, Sir, when 
 do you design to pay us? " " Very well, very 
 well," said Sir Richard, " pray come down, I 
 have heard enough ; I cannot but own you speak 
 very distinctly, though I don't admire your sub- 
 ject." 
 
 3.— My Lord Craven, in King James the 
 First's reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jon- 
 son, which being told to Ben, he went to my 
 Lord's house ; but being in a very tattered con- 
 dition, as poets sometimes are, the porter refused 
 him admittance, with some saucy language, which 
 the other did not fail to return. My Lord, hap- 
 pening to come out while they were wrangling, 
 asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need 
 of nobody to speak for him, said he understood 
 his Lordship desired to see him. " You, friend," 
 said my Lord, "who are you?" — "Ben Jon- 
 son," replied the other. " No, No," quoth my 
 Lord, " you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote 
 the Silent Woman : you look as if you could not 
 
JOE MILLER 1(3 
 
 say bo to a goose." — " Bo," cried Ben. "Very 
 well," said my Lord, who was better pleased at 
 the joke than offended at the affront, " I am 
 now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jon- 
 son." 
 
 4. — Mr. Bethel, an Irish barrister, when the 
 question of the Union was in debate, and all the 
 junior barristers published pamphlets upon the 
 subject, thought fit to contribute his mite to the 
 investigation, and take a literary shot at the sub- 
 ject, after above fifty other pamphlets had al- 
 ready appeared; which, of course contained 
 nothing very new upon the topic. Some days 
 after its appearance, Mr. Lysaght met this pam- 
 phleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and, in 
 a friendly way, said " Zounds ! Bethel, I wonder 
 you never told me you had published a pamphlet 
 on the Union : I never saw it till yesterday, by 
 mere accident." — " Well ! and how did you like 
 it? " asked the author, with a smirk of eager cu- 
 riosity. " Like it ! " said Lysaght ; " the one I 
 saw contained some of the best things I have yet 
 seen in any pamphlet upon the subject." — " I'm 
 very proud you think so," said the other, rub- 
 bing his hands with satisfaction ; " and, pray, 
 what are the things that pleased you so much? " 
 — " Why," replied Lysaght, " as I passed by a 
 pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl 
 come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up 
 in a sheet of your work, and that is more than I 
 can say for any performance of vour competi- 
 tors." 
 
14 JOE MILLER 
 
 5. — The Late Counsellor Caedbeck, of 
 the Irish Bar, who drudged in his profession till 
 he was near eighty, being a King's Counsel, fre- 
 quently went circuit as Judge of Assize when any 
 of the twelve judges was prevented by illness. 
 On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted 
 before him at Wexford for bigamy ; and when 
 the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after 
 lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the 
 nature of his uxorious crime, added, " The only 
 punishment which the law authorises me to in- 
 flict is, that you be transported to parts beyond 
 the seas for the term of seven years; but if I 
 had my will, you should not escape with so mild 
 a punishment, for I would sentence you for the 
 term of your natural life — to live in the same 
 house with both your wives." 
 
 6. — When Garrick was last at Paris, Pre- 
 ville, the celebrated French actor, invited him to 
 his villa. Our Roscius being in a gay humour, 
 proposed to go in one of the hired coaches that 
 regularly ply between Paris and Versailles, on 
 which road Preville's villa was situated. When 
 they got in, Garrick ordered the coachman to 
 drive on ; but the fellow answered that he would 
 do so as soon as he had got his complement of 
 four passengers. A caprice immediately seized 
 Garrick : he determined to give his brother 
 player a specimen of his art. While the coach- 
 man was attentively looking out for passengers, 
 Garrick slipped out at the door, went round the 
 coach, and by his wonderful command of coun- 
 
 
JOE MILLER 15 
 
 tcnance, a power which he so happily displayed 
 in Abel Drugger, palmed himself upon the 
 coachman as a stranger. This he did twice, and 
 was admitted each time into the coach as a fresh 
 passenger, to the astonishment and admiration 
 of Preville. Garrick whipped out a third time, 
 and addressing himself to the coachman, was an- 
 swered in a surly tone, " that he had already got 
 his complement," and would have driven off with- 
 out him, had not Preville called out, that as the 
 stranger appeared to be a very little man, they 
 would, to accommodate the gentleman, contrive 
 to make room for him. 
 
 7. — Mr. Curran, that celebrated advocate, 
 possessed perhaps a greater influence over the 
 feelings of his auditory than any other professor 
 of forensic eloquence ever did, and has been fre- 
 quently known, by the pathetic force of his ora- 
 tory, and the inexhaustible fund of his wit and 
 resistless humour, to keep the j uries whom he ad- 
 dressed, alternately in tears and laughter during 
 the course of trial; and yet, like other great 
 wits, he has been frequently put down by an un- 
 expected repartee from the most simple of those 
 witnesses whom he endeavoured to badger by 
 cross-examination. In an important cause, where 
 a country schoolmaster, named Lily, was a prin- 
 cipal witness, and had given his direct testimony 
 with all due gravity, arrayed in all the graces of 
 syntax and prosody, Mr. Curran proceeded to 
 cross-examine the witness, and began, w T ith a 
 familiar nod and an arch look, in the first sen- 
 
16 JOE MILLER 
 
 tence of Cordery's Colloquies, " Salve Claudi." 
 The schoolmaster immediately answered, " Sis tu 
 quoque salvus Bemarde:" This unexpected an 
 swer completely disarmed the barrister, and pro- 
 duced a general laugh at his expense. 
 
 8. — Perhaps in no senate, ancient or modern, 
 did the cacoethes loquendi more inveterately pre- 
 vail than in the parliament of Ireland. The 
 speaking members of that parliament were prin- 
 cipally gentlemen at the bar, or those who had 
 been educated " to wage the wordy war " in that 
 profession. Everything was debated, from a 
 turnpike bill to the most important statute ; and 
 the question rarely went to a division, until every 
 orator, on each side of the house, had a speech at 
 it. A question once came forward, in which it 
 became necessary for the clerk to read a series of 
 voluminous documents, adequate in quantity to a 
 ponderous quarto ; and the forces on both sides, 
 in full muster, were eager for action; but felt 
 that, if these documents were read through, there 
 would be no opportunity for discussion on that 
 night. This difficulty produced a minor debate, 
 which was on the point of splitting into half a 
 dozen others, when Sir Boyle Roache, eminent 
 for his proficiency in a peculiar species of Irish 
 rhetoric, rose in his place, and said, " Mister 
 Spaaker, if the house will only hear me, I think 
 I can put an ind to all the difftquilty about read- 
 ing all them rig-me-rowl documents. I don't see 
 the use of reading them at all at all ; for nobody 
 will attmd to them, if they be read: but, how- 
 
JOE MILLER 17 
 
 somever, if they must be read, we have only to 
 call in all the committee clerks of the house, and 
 let each of 'cm take a document, and they can all 
 read together. ' Many hands make light work ; ' 
 and they'll get through all of them in a couple of 
 hours." This ingenious project of the worthy 
 baronet, though it excited immoderate laughter, 
 was not adopted. 
 
 9. — A Methodist Preacher, who was also a 
 master-builder, felt no inconsiderable share of 
 vanity in his talent for polemical controversy. 
 He one day attacked the late Father O'Leary 
 upon the celibacy of the Catholic priesthood, and 
 asked him how it came that he and his clergy re- 
 jected the divine precept, " increase and multi- 
 ply; " thus refusing to co-operate by contribut- 
 ing their part to the great structure of society. 
 " Pray, friend," answered the sacerdotal wit, 
 " are you not a master-builder? " — " Yes," an- 
 swered the Methodist. — " I suppose, then," re- 
 joined the priest, "you act as your own brick- 
 layer, stonemason, smith, carpenter, slater, and 
 painter."—" Oh ! no," said the Methodist, " I 
 never meddle with hammer, trowel, or brush; I 
 set others to work, and only superintend them." 
 " 'Tis just so with us," added the priest, " in the 
 great building of society ; we set blockheads like 
 you to work, never meddling with the tools our- 
 selves, but merely superintend the business." 
 
 10. — A Native of one of the Hebrides being 
 joked about the smallness of his island, the most 
 centrical place not being four miles from the sea, 
 
18 JOE MILLER 
 
 an Irishman in company joined in the laugh, ex- 
 ultingly swearing, " that no part of old Ireland 
 was half so near it." 
 
 11. — A Right Reverend Prelate, himself 
 a man of extreme good nature, was frequently 
 much vexed in the spirit, by the proud, froward, 
 perverse, and untractable temper of his next 
 vicar. The latter, after an absence much longer 
 than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, 
 who kindly inquired the cause of his absence, and 
 was answered by the vicar, that he had been con- 
 fined to his house for some time past by an obsti- 
 nate stiffness in his knee. " I am glad of that," 
 replied the prelate, " 'tis a good symptom that 
 the disorder has changed place, for I had a long 
 time thought it immovably settled in your 
 
 NECK." 
 
 IS. — When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was 
 called Skyrocket Jack) was blown up at Spit- 
 head, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a 
 gun, and when brought to the admiral, all black 
 and wet, he said with pleasantry, " I hope, Sir, 
 you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came 
 out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had 
 not time to shift myself." 
 
 13. — Two Sailors, the one Irish, the other 
 English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each 
 other, in case of either being wounded in an ac- 
 tion then about to commence. It was not long 
 before the Englishman's leg was shot off by a 
 cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him 
 to the doctor, according to their agreement, the 
 
JOE MILLER 19 
 
 other^vcry readily complied; but had scarcely 
 got his wounded companion on his back when a 
 second ball struck off the poor fellow's head. 
 Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not 
 perceived his friend's last misfortune, but con- 
 tinued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. 
 An officer observing him with his headless trunk, 
 asked him where he was going? " To the doctor," 
 says Paddy. — " The doctor ! " says the officer, 
 " why, blockhead, the man has lost his head." 
 On hearing this, he flung the body from his 
 shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, 
 " By my own soul," says he, " he told me it was 
 his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he 
 was always a great liar." 
 
 14. — An Irish Gentleman being at Epsom 
 races, and observing in the list of horses that 
 started for the plate one called Botheram, took 
 such a fancy to the name, that he betted consid- 
 erable odds in his favour. Towards the conclu- 
 sion of the race, his favourite was unluckily in 
 the rear, on which he vociferated in so loud a 
 key, as to drown every other voice, " Ah, my lads, 
 there he goes, — Botheram for ever ! see how he 
 drives them all befor'e him! Botheram for 
 ever ! " 
 
 15. — Swift had some whimsical contrivances 
 to punish his servants for disobedience of orders. 
 The hiring of his maid-servants he left to his 
 housekeeper, and that ceremony over, acquainted 
 them that he had but two commands to give them, 
 
20 JOE MILLER 
 
 ■ — one was to shut the door, whenever they came 
 into a room; the other, to shut the door after 
 them whenever they went out of a room. One of 
 these maid-servants came to him one day, and re- 
 quested permission to go to her sister's wedding, 
 which was to be on that day, at a place distant 
 about ten miles from Dublin. Swift not only 
 consented, but said he would lend her one of his 
 own horses with a servant to ride before her, and 
 gave her directions accordingly. The maid, in 
 her joy for this favour, forgot to shut the door 
 when she left the room. In about a quarter of 
 an hour after she was gone, the dean ordered a 
 servant to saddle another horse, and make all the 
 speed he could to overtake them, and oblige them 
 to return back immediately. They had not got 
 more than half way, when he came up with them, 
 and told them the dean's positive commands ; 
 with which, however reluctantly, the poor girl 
 was obliged to comply. She came into his pres- 
 ence with the most mortified countenance, and 
 begged to know his honour's commands. " Only 
 to shut the door after you," was the reply ; but 
 not to carry the punishment too far, he then per- 
 mitted her to resume her journey. 
 
 16. — There was nothing Swift more disliked 
 than being troubled with applications from au- 
 thors to correct their works, and he generally had 
 some whimsical contrivance to make them repent 
 of this, which being told, might deter others from 
 the like. A poor poet having written a very in- 
 different tragedy, got himself introduced to the 
 
JOE MILLER 21 
 
 Dean in order to have his opinion of it ; and in 
 about a fortnight after, called at the deanery. 
 Swift returned the play, carefully folded up, 
 telling him he had read it, and taken some pains 
 with it, and he believed the author would not find 
 above half the number of faults that it had when 
 it came to his hand. The poor author, after a 
 thousand acknowledgments, retired in company 
 with the gentleman who had introduced him, and 
 was so impatient to see the corrections, that he 
 stopped under the first gateway they came to, 
 and to his utter astonishment and confusion, saw 
 that the dean had taken the pains to blot out 
 every second line throughout the whole play, so 
 carefully as to render them quite illegible. 
 
 17. — Two Irishmen, who had left the banks 
 of the Shannon at the same time, once meeting 
 in the streets of London, after the usual con- 
 gratulations, inquired into each other's situation, 
 and one of them said he had been so lucky as to 
 be appointed Master of the Horse ; and " pray, 
 Patrick, what are you?" — "Why, I have been 
 still more fortunate, for I am Under Secretary of 
 State." — " The devil you are ! but how so, Pat, 
 when you can neither read nor write? " — " O 
 faith, let me alone for that ; my master is a coal- 
 merchant, and I keep the tally, and chalk up the 
 numbers of the sacks as they pass under the gate- 
 way. Pray, Terence, how* are you Master of the 
 Horse? " — " Why, I am Assistant to the Assist- 
 ant of the Hostler at the Golden-Cross, Char- 
 ing-Cross, my dear." 
 
<&% JOE MILLER 
 
 18. — The Servant of a naval commander, 
 an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into 
 the sea, upon which he ran to his master, " Arrah, 
 an plase your honour, can anything be said to 
 be lost, when you know where it is? " — " Cer- 
 tainly not," replied the officer. — " Why then, by 
 my soul, and St. Patrick, the tea-kettle is at the 
 bottom of the sea." 
 
 19. — An Irishman who was sent on board of 
 ship, and who believed in ghosts, inquired of his 
 mess-mates if the ship was haunted. " As full 
 of ghosts as a church-yard," replied they, " they 
 are ten thousand strong every night." This so 
 terrified Pat, that whenever he turned into his 
 hammock, he pulled his blanket over his head and 
 face, so that from his knees downwards he was 
 always naked and cold. — " That there purser's 
 a terrible rogue ! He serves out blankets that 
 don't fit a man ; they are too long at top, and too 
 short at bottom, for they cover my head and ears, 
 and my feet are always perished with cold. I 
 have cut several slices off the top, and sewed 
 on the bottom, and the devil a bit longer is 
 it." 
 
 20. — A Clergyman was reading the burial 
 service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot 
 which sex it was, on coming to that part of the 
 ceremony which reads thus, " our dear brother 
 or sister," the reverend gentleman stopped, and 
 seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whisper- 
 ing to him, said, " Is it a brother or a sister? " 
 
JOE MILLER 23 
 
 Pat says, " Friend, 'tis neither, 'tis only a rela- 
 tion." • 
 
 21. — An Irish Patient of some distinction, 
 that was teasing Peter Pindar with his symptoms, 
 and who had nothing scarcely to complain of, 
 told him, he had frequently an itching, and 
 begged to know what he should do. " Scratch 
 yourself, Sir," replied Peter; which laconic ad- 
 vice lost him his patient. 
 
 22. — Two Irish Labouring Bricklayers 
 were working at some houses near Russell Square, 
 and one of them was boasting of the steadiness 
 with which he could carry a load to any height 
 that, might be required. The other contested the 
 point, and the conversation ended in a bet that he 
 could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the 
 top of the building. The experiment was made : 
 Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, 
 after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded 
 in taking him up and bringing him down safely. 
 Without any reflection on the danger he had es- 
 caped, observing to the winner, " To be sure, I 
 have lost; but don't you remember, about the 
 third story you made a slip — I was then in 
 hopes" 
 
 23. — A Gentleman once appeared in tl*e 
 Court of King's Bench as surety for a friend 
 in the sum of three thousand pounds; Serjeant 
 Davy, though he well knew the responsibility of 
 the gentleman, could not help his customary im- 
 pertinence. " Well, Sir, how do you make your- 
 
24 JOE MiLLER 
 
 self to be worth three thousand pounds? " The 
 gentleman very deliberately specified the particu- 
 lars up to two thousand nine hundred and forty 
 pounds. " Aye," says Davy, " that is not enough 
 by sixty." — " For that sum," replied the other, 
 " I have a note of hand of one Serjeant Davy, 
 and I hope he will have the honesty soon to dis- 
 charge it." This set the court in a roar; the 
 Serjeant was for once abashed, and Lord Mans- 
 field said, " Well, brother, I think we may accept 
 the bail." 
 
 24. — An Irishman, swearing the peace 
 against his three sons, thus concluded his affida- 
 vit : " And this deponent further saith, that the 
 only one of his children who showed him any 
 real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, 
 for he never struck him when he was down! " 
 
 25. — A Farm was lately advertised in a news- 
 paper, in which all the beauty of the situation, 
 fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were 
 detailed in the richest glow of rural description, 
 which was farther enhanced with this — N. B. 
 There is not an Attorney within fifteen miles of 
 the neighbourhood. 
 
 26. — When Lord Chief Justice Hoet was 
 once on the Western circuit, a man was brought 
 before him, and tried, cast, and condemned for a 
 highway robbery. Being after this remanded to 
 the town gaol, he most earnestly requested to 
 have a private interview with the judge. Holt, 
 thinking he might have something of importance 
 to communicate respecting his accomplices, went 
 
JOE MILLER 25 
 
 to him in the prison, when the man, prefacing 
 his speccli, with saying, lie felt some embarrass- 
 ment at claiming acquaintance with him in such 
 a situation, said, " Sir, my real name is Smith, 
 and I had the honour of being at college the same 
 time that you were. Such a circumstance I think 
 you must remember." — " Indeed I do," said the 
 Lord Chief Justice, " and now I see some remains 
 of your face. — Pray what is become of our old 
 companions, Tom, Dick, and Harry? " — " They 
 are all hanged except you and I," said the poor 
 man with a deep sigh. — " Oh, are they? " said 
 the judge, " Why then I must try to get you a 
 reprieve, that's all; it may else be said, all our 
 college, except myself, were exalted from the bar 
 to the gallows." 
 
 27. — An Officer had the misfortune to be se- 
 verely wounded, in an engagement in the Ameri- 
 can war. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate 
 near him, who was also badly wounded, gave 
 vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so 
 irritated the officer, who bore his own in silence, 
 that he exclaimed, " D — n your eyes, what do 
 you make such a noise for? Do } t ou think no- 
 body is killed but yourself? " 
 
 28. — A Gentleman who had an Irish servant, 
 having stopped at an inn for several days, de- 
 sired, previous to his departure, to have a bill ; 
 which being brought, he found a large quantity 
 of port placed to his servant's account, and ques- 
 tioned him about having had so many bottles of 
 wine. " Please your honour," cried Pat, " to 
 
26 JOE MILLER 
 
 read how many they charge me." The gentle- 
 man began, " One bottle port, one ditto, one dit- 
 to, one ditto.'" — " Stop, stop, stop, master," ex- 
 claimed Paddy, " they are cheating you. I know 
 I had some bottles of their port, but, by Jasus, I 
 did not taste a drop of their ditto." 
 
 29. — A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in 
 the dreadful conflagration of the Theatre-Royal, 
 Covent-Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury- 
 Lane, received a letter from an Irish friend, re- 
 questing to know by the return of post, if it was 
 he that was really burned or not. 
 
 30. — An Irish Counsellor having lost his 
 cause, which had been tried before three judges, 
 one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, 
 and the other two but indifferent, some of the 
 other barristers were very merry on the occasion. 
 " Well, now," says he, " at any rate it was a bad 
 cause, and I have lost no great things by it. — 
 But who the devil could help it, when there were 
 an hundred judges on the bench? " — " An hun- 
 dred? " said a stander-by, "there were but 
 three." — " By Jove," replied he, " there were 
 one and two cyphers." 
 
 31. — An Irish Gentleman called at the Gen- 
 eral Post-Office, and inquired whether there were 
 any letters for him ; the clerk asked for his ad- 
 dress. — " Oh ! " said he, " sure you will find it 
 on the back of the letter! " 
 
 A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a 
 few years ago, when a gentleman inquired for 
 
JOE MILLER n 
 
 any letter for him. The clerk asked his name ; 
 he replied, " What the devil makes you so im- 
 pertinent as to ask any gentleman's name? Give 
 me my letter, that's all you have to do ! " 
 
 32. — An Irish Labourer being told that the 
 price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, 
 " This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall 
 of my best friend." 
 
 33. — An Honest Hibernian Tar, a great fa- 
 vourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in 
 these words every night when he went to his ham- 
 mock : — " God be thanked, I never killed any 
 man, nor no man ever killed me ; God bless the 
 world, and success to the British navy." 
 
 34. — An Irish Officer who had returned 
 from the late expedition to Buenos Ayres, was 
 entertaining a large company at dinner with a 
 history of his exploits, and the wonders he had 
 seen; and among other strange sights he men- 
 tioned that he had seen five acres of anchovies 
 growing. This no doubt surprised the company 
 greatly, one of whom said, he had never in his 
 life heard of anchovies growing before. As this 
 remark insinuated a doubt of the narrator's ve- 
 racity, he was instantly desired to turn out and 
 explain. The parties accordingly went to the 
 ground, and after exchanging a cool brace, the 
 
 Hibernian exclaimed : " Och, by J s, I beg 
 
 your pardon, it was five acres of capers I meant." 
 
 35. — During the American war, whilst Col- 
 onel Burgoyne commanded in Cork, he saw a 
 
28 JOE MILLER 
 
 corpulent soldier among the spectators on the 
 parade, whom he addressed as follows : — " Who 
 are you, Sir? you must be drilled twice a day to 
 bring down your corporation. Who are you, 
 Sir ! " — " Please your honour," replied Pat, " I 
 am, Sir, the skeleton of the 5th regiment of foot, 
 who has just marched over from America." The 
 fact was so, for such was the carnage of the dis- 
 astrous war, that only this fat soldier and Cap- 
 tain Webb returned to Europe, out of a full reg- 
 iment that landed in America. 
 
 36. — An Irish Footman having carried a 
 basket of game from his master to a friend, 
 waited a considerable time for the customary fee, 
 but not finding it likely to appear, scratched his 
 head, and said, " Sir, if my master should say, 
 Paddy, what did the gentleman give you, what 
 would your honour have me to tell him? " 
 
 37. — An Irishman, on board a man of war, 
 was desired by his messmates to go down and 
 fetch a can of small-beer ; Teague, knowing that 
 preparations were making to sail, absolutely re- 
 fused. " Arrah, my soul," said he, " and so 
 when I am gone into the cellar to fetch beer, the 
 ship will sail away and leave me behind." 
 
 38. — An Irish Clergyman having gone to 
 visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holy- 
 rood House, observed one of the monarchs of a 
 very youthful appearance, while his son was de- 
 picted with a long beard, and wore the traits of 
 extreme old age. " Sancta Maria," exclaimed 
 
JOE MILLER 29 
 
 the good Hibernian, " is it possible that this gen- 
 tleman was an old man when his father was 
 born! ! ! " 
 
 39. — An Irish Gentleman, perceiving that 
 one of the great branches of an apple tree in his 
 garden had been by some accident entirely blast- 
 ed, was determined to lop it off. To effectuate his 
 purpose, the shrewd son of St. Patrick mounted 
 the tree, and got across the withered branch, and 
 began very deliberately to saw off betwixt him- 
 self and the main "trunk. The withered branch, 
 being nearly cut through, gave way, and down 
 tumbled the gallant Hibernian, not a little stun- 
 ned by the fall, and considerably bruised by the 
 weight of the incumbent branches, but still more 
 astonished at the mystery of this inexplicable 
 accident! 
 
 40. — An Irishman being asked which was old- 
 est, he or his brother, " I am eldest," said he, 
 " but if my brother lives three years longer, we 
 shall be both of an age." 
 
 41. — A Fellow walking through the Old 
 Bailey, at the time of execution, when an Irish- 
 man was at the point of being turned off, inhu- 
 manly bawled out : " Are you there, I always 
 said you would come to be hanged ! " — " You're 
 a liar," replied Pat, " if it was the last word I 
 had to say ! I did not come, I was brought" 
 
 42.— A Gentleman crossing the water lately 
 below Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price 
 of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers 
 
30 JOE MILLER 
 
 at work in a tier of colliers, with " Well, Padd} T , 
 how are coals? " — " Black as ever, yo\ir honour," 
 replied the Irishman. 
 
 43. — An English Labourer in Cheshire at- 
 tempting to drown himself, an Irish reaper, who 
 saw him go into the water, leaped after him, 
 and brought him safe to shore. The fellow 
 attempting it a second time, the reaper a 
 second time got him out ; but the labourer 
 being determined to destroy himself, watched 
 an opportunity and hanged himself behind 
 the barn door. The Irishman observed him, 
 but never offered to cut him down ; when several 
 hours afterward, the master of the farm yard 
 asked him, upon what ground he had suffered the 
 poor fellow to hang there? "Faith," replied 
 Patrick, " I don't know what you mean by 
 ground: I know I was so good to him that I 
 fetched him out of the water two times — and I 
 know, too, he was wet through every rag, and I 
 thought, he hung himself up to dry, and you, 
 know, I could have no right to prevent him." 
 
 44. — A Gentleman describing a person who 
 often visited him for the sole purpose of having 
 a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay- 
 maker. 
 
 45. — Dr. Sheridan, the celebrated friend of 
 Swift, had a custom of ringing his scholars to 
 prayers, in the school-room, at a certain hour 
 every day. The bo} T s were one day very devoutly 
 at praj^ers, except one, who was stifling a laugh 
 
 
JOE MILLER 31 
 
 as well as he could ; which arose from seeing a 
 rat descending from the bell-rope in the room. 
 The poor boy could hold out no longer, but burst 
 into an immoderate fit of laughter, which set the 
 others a-going, when he pointed to the cause. 
 Sheridan was so provoked that he declared he 
 would whip them all if the principal culprit was 
 not pointed out to him, which was immediately 
 done. The poor pupil of Momus was immedi- 
 ately hoisted, and his posteriors laid bare to the 
 rod ; when the witty schoolmaster told him, if he 
 said anything tolerable on the occasion, as he 
 looked on the boy as the greatest dunce in the 
 school, he would forgive him. The trembling 
 culprit, with very little hesitation, addressed his 
 master with the following beautiful distich: 
 
 There was a rat, for want of stairs, 
 Came down a rope — to go to prayers. 
 
 Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and in- 
 stead of a whipping gave him half a crown. 
 
 46. — A Gentleman having engaged to fight 
 a main of cocks, directed his feeder in the coun- 
 try, who was a Son on the Sod, to pick out two of 
 the best, and bring them to town. Paddy having 
 made his selection, put the two cocks together in 
 a bag, and brought them with him in the mail- 
 coach. When they arrived, it was found upon 
 their journey they had almost torn each other to 
 pieces ; on which Paddy was severely taken to 
 task for lus stupidity, in putting both cocks into 
 
32 JOE MILLER 
 
 one bag. " Indeed," said the honest Hibernian, 
 " I thought there was no risk of their falling out, 
 as they were going to fight on the same side.' 5 
 
 47. — In The Late Irish Rebellion, J. C. 
 Beresford, Esq., a banker, and Member for Dub- 
 lin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the 
 rebels, in consequence of his vigilance in bring- 
 ing them to punishment, that whenever they 
 found any of his bank-notes in plundering a 
 house, the general cry was : " By Jasus ! we'll 
 ruin the rascal! we'll destroy every note of his 
 we can find ; " and they actually destroyed, it is 
 supposed, upwards of 20,000Z. of his notes dur- 
 ing the rebellion. 
 
 48. — Two Irishmen went a little way into the 
 country, to see some of their friends, and drink- 
 ing too freely, they were much in liquor. Their 
 friends would fain have persuaded them to stay 
 all night, but they were determined to go home. 
 They set out accordingly ; but, before they had 
 got a mile, one of them took a reel, and fell 
 flounce into a ditch. The other hearing him 
 fall, called out, " Patrick, if you are dead till 
 me ! " — " No, honey," says Patrick, " I am not 
 dead, but I'm quite speechless." 
 
 49. — An Irish Baronet, walking out with a 
 gentleman, was met by his nurse, who requested 
 charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, " I 
 will give you nothing. You played me a scanda- 
 lous trick in my infancy." The old woman, in 
 amazement, asked him what injury she had done 
 
 
JOE MILLER 33 
 
 to him? He answered, "I was a fine boy and 
 you changed me! " 
 
 50. — " I Will Save you a thousand pounds," 
 says an Irishman to an old gentleman, " if you 
 don't stand in your own light." — "How?" — - 
 " You have a daughter, and you intend to give 
 her ten thousand as a marriage portion." — " I 
 do." — " Sir, I will take her with nine thousand." 
 
 51. — A Gentleman inquiring his way to the 
 chapel of a celebrated dissenting minister in the 
 vicinity of the metropolis, received the following 
 direction : " Go straight forward till you come 
 to the turnpike, then take the left hand road, and 
 you will presently arrive at a large building like 
 a church, and on the top of it you will see a 
 figure exactly resembling the reverend doctor 
 himself." — On arriving before the building, he 
 found it surmounted by a weathercock. 
 
 52. — Whilst living at Newstead, Lord Byron 
 once found a human skull, of large dimensions 
 and particular whiteness. He concluded that it 
 belonged to some "jolly old soul" of a friar, 
 who had beeen domesticated at Newstead, in the 
 good lazy days of popery ; and saw no harm in 
 turning the cranium of this second " Tuck " into 
 a drinking goblet. He accordingly sent it to 
 London, where it was carefully and elegantly 
 mounted. On its return to Newstead, he insti- 
 tuted a new order at the old Abbey, and con- 
 stituted himself Grand Master or Abbot of the 
 Skull. Black gowns were procured for the mem- 
 
34 JOE MILLER 
 
 bers (twelve in number), the Grand Master's 
 being somewhat distinguished from the rest, and 
 at certain times a chapter was held. Upon these 
 occasions, the skull, being filled with claret, was 
 handed about amongst the gods of this consis- 
 tory, in imitation of the Goths of old, whilst 
 many a grim joke was cut at the expense of this 
 inspiring caput mortuum. The goblet is now in 
 the possession of Colonel Wyndham. The fol- 
 lowing lines were inscribed upon it by Byron : — 
 
 Start not — nor deem my spirit fled: 
 
 In me behold the only skull, 
 From which, unlike a living head, 
 
 Whatever flows is never dull. 
 
 I liv'd, I lov'd, I quaff 'd like thee: 
 I died; let earth my bones resign: 
 
 Fill up — thou can'st not injure me, 
 The worm hath fouler lips than thine. 
 
 Better to hold the sparkling grape, 
 
 Than nurse the earthworm's slimy brood, 
 
 And circle in the goblet's shape, 
 The drink of gods, than reptile's food. 
 
 Where once my wit perchance hath shone, 
 
 In aid of others let me shine; 
 And when, alas ! our brains are gone, 
 
 What nobler substitute than wine ! 
 
 Quaff while thou can'st — another race, 
 When thou and thine like me are sped, 
 
 May rescue thee from earth's embrace, 
 And rhyme and revel with the dead. 
 
 Why not? since through life's little day 
 Our heads such sad effects produce, 
 
 Redeem'd from worms and wasting clay, 
 This chance is theirs — to be of use. 
 
JOE MILLER 35 
 
 53. — " The Mortality among Byron's mis- 
 tresses," said the late Lady A — 11, " is really 
 alarming. I think he generally buries a first love 
 every fortnight." — " Madam," replied Curran, 
 the Irish barrister, " mistresses are not so mortal, 
 as everyone who has to deal with them unhap- 
 pily knows. The fact is, my Lord weeps for the 
 press, and wipes his eyes with the public." 
 
 54. — On Reading some lines in the newspa- 
 pers, addressed to Lady Holland, by the Earl of 
 Carlisle, persuading her to reject the box be- 
 queathed to her by Napoleon — beginning, 
 
 " Lady, reject the gift," &c. 
 
 Lord Byron immediately wrote the following 
 parody : 
 
 " Lady, accept the gift a hero wore, 
 In spite of all this elegiac stuff; 
 Let not seven stanzas written by a bore 
 Prevent your ladyship from taking snuff." 
 
 55. — The Hon. Mr. Skeffington had writ- 
 ten a tragedy, called " The Mysterious Bride," 
 which was fairly damned on the first night. A 
 masquerade took place soon after this fatal catas- 
 trophe, to which went John Cam Hobhouse, as a 
 Spanish nun who had been ravished by the 
 French army, under the protection of Lord By- 
 ron. The Hon. Mr. Skeffington, compassionat- 
 ing the unfortunate young woman, asked, in a 
 very sentimental manner, at Byron, " Who 13 
 
36 JOE MILLER 
 
 she? "— " The Mysterious Bride." This was a 
 rap on the teeth to the unfortunate author. 
 
 56. — On A Traveller lamenting that the 
 rocks of Meillerie, rendered sacred by Rousseau's 
 connecting them with the loves of St. Prieux and 
 Julie, should have been cut away to form a road, 
 Rocca replied, with true nationality, " La route 
 vant mieux que les souvenirs," — " a good road 
 is better than any recollections." 
 
 57. — The Courier bringing a letter from 
 England, in which the death of his old physician 
 Polidori was stated — Lord Byron remarked : " I 
 was convinced something very unpleasant hung 
 over me last night — I expected to hear that some- 
 body I knew was dead ; so it turns out — who can 
 help being superstitious? Scott believes in sec- 
 ond sight, Rousseau tried whether he would be 
 damned or not by aiming at a tree with a stone, 
 Goethe trusted to the chance of a knife striking 
 the water whether he was to succeed in some un- 
 dertaking." He might also have mentioned 
 Swift, who placed the success of his life on the 
 drawing a trout he had hooked out of the 
 water. Byron on another occasion observed, 
 " Several extraordinary things have happened 
 on my birth-day ; so they did to Napoleon ; and 
 a more wonderful circumstance still occurred to 
 Marie Antoinette. At my wedding, something 
 whispered me, that I was signing my death 
 warrant. At the last moment I would have re- 
 treated if I could have done so. I am a great 
 believer in presentiments. Socrates' demon was 
 
JOE MILLER 37 
 
 no fiction ; Monk Lewis had his monitor, and 
 Bonaparte many warnings." Byron had also a 
 belief in unlucky days ; he once refused to be in- 
 troduced to a lady, because it was on a Friday 
 the introduction was to take place, that day hav- 
 ing been, for some reason or other, most inno- 
 cently cursed in the superstitious calendar. On 
 this same " ill-starred " day he would never pay 
 visits. 
 
 58. — Isaac Bickerstaff says, " One might 
 wear any passion out of a family by culture, as 
 skilful gardeners blot a colour out of a tulip that 
 hurts its beauty." To his uncle, who was very 
 superstitious, and fed crickets, Lord Byron as- 
 cribed his superstition; to another of his an- 
 cestors who died laughing, he ascribed his buoy- 
 ant spirits. Two of his ancestors also had such 
 a love for each other, that they both died almost 
 at the same moment. " There seems," he says, 
 " to have been some flaw in my escutcheon there, 
 or that loving couple have monopolised all the 
 connubial bliss of the family." 
 
 59. — Percy S , who made no secret of 
 
 his infidelity, and whose spirits it was thought 
 no danger could ever appal, was once in a dread- 
 ful storm off St. Fiorenzo, — there appeared no 
 chance of escape, and the horrors of approach- 
 ing death made him weep like a child. Those 
 names which he never before pronounced but in 
 ridicule, he now called upon in moving accents 
 of serious prayer, and implored the protection of 
 that Being, whose existence he affected to disbe- 
 
38 JOE MILLER 
 
 lieve. The vessel, however, was miraculously 
 preserved from impending destruction, and when 
 
 the danger was over, Percy S- came from 
 
 his cabin like a spectre from the tomb. " Ah ! " 
 he exclaimed to a friend, " I have tasted so much 
 of the bitterness of death, that I shall in future 
 entertain doubts of my own creed." A glass of 
 rum and water, warm, raised his drooping spir- 
 its, and in twenty-four hours he was the same 
 free-thinking, thankless dog as ever; thus veri- 
 fying the old distich : — 
 
 " The devil was sick— the devil a monk would be — 
 The devil got well — the devil a monk was he." 
 
 60. — Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher), 
 whose taste, a little superior to that of most mod- 
 ern Greeks, looked to " elegant comforts," griev- 
 ously excited his master's ire, by observing, while 
 Byron was examining the remains of Athens: — 
 " La me, my Lord, what capital mantle-pieces 
 that there marble would make in England." 
 
 61. — Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a 
 review of his poems, and said he wrote very well 
 for a banker, wrote, in return, the following: 
 
 " They say he has no heart, and I deny it: 
 He has a heart, and — gets his speeches by it." 
 
 62. — Several Young Gentlemen, who were 
 very fond of private theatres, once got up a play 
 at Cambridge. On the day of representation 
 one of the performers took it into his head to 
 
JOE MILLER 39 
 
 make an excuse, and his part was obliged to be 
 read. Hobhouse came forward to apologise to 
 
 the audience, and told them that a Mr. had 
 
 declined to perform his part, &c. The gentle- 
 man was highly indignant at the " a," and had a 
 great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope 
 
 Davies, who replied, that he supposed Mr. 
 
 wanted to be called the Mr. so and so. He ever 
 after went by the name of the " Definite Article." 
 
 63. — The Present Lord Chancellor re- 
 marked of a young barrister who had just made 
 a speech of more poetry than law, " Poor young 
 man, he has studied the wrong Phillips." 
 
 64. — A Frenchman, having a violent pain in 
 his breast and stomach, went to a physician for 
 relief. The doctor, inquiring where his trouble 
 lay, the Frenchman, with a dolorous accent, lay- 
 ing his hand on his breast, said, " Vy, sare, I have 
 one very bad pain in my portmanteau " (mean- 
 ing his chest). 
 
 65. — Several Boys who had been admiring 
 (in a print-shop window) the portrait of Paga- 
 nini, on turning from the object of their attrac- 
 tion, beheld, as they imagined, the original him- 
 self. They immediately exclaimed, " Here's 
 Paganini ! Here's Paganini ! " — a crowd instant- 
 ly collected — the figure, which bore a striking re- 
 semblance to the celebrated violinist, particularly 
 in the exuberance of his hair, commenced a re- 
 treat, and finally escaped in a hackney coach ; 
 but not until he had been recognised as a well- 
 
40 JOE MILLER 
 
 known puipit orator. The effect of this incident 
 was evident on the following Sunday, when the 
 reverend gentleman appeared like Samson shorn 
 of his " boist'rous locks." 
 
 66. — According to a tradition in the Greek 
 church, it appears that the devil paid repeated 
 visits to Noah when he set about building the 
 ark, for the purpose of ascertaining by what 
 means and of what materials he constructed it. 
 But, the patriarch keeping his own counsel, as 
 enjoined from on high, Satan called in tobacco 
 to his aid, made poor Noah drunk with it, and in 
 this way wormed his secret from him. Thus 
 armed, the devil availed himself of the shade of 
 night, to undo what Noah had done by the light 
 of day ; and hence it arose that the building of 
 the ark extended over so long a period. Ever 
 since that time, saith the tradition, God has laid 
 a heavy curse on tobacco. 
 
 67. — While Reviewing his troops, Bona- 
 parte was one day suddenly accosted by an offi- 
 cer, who, stepping from the ranks, complained 
 that he had been five years a lieutenant, without 
 having received any promotion. The Emperor 
 coolly replied, " I was a lieutenant myself for 
 seven years, yet you see to what a man may rise 
 by perseverance ! " 
 
 68. — " What's The Matter? " inquired a 
 passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a 
 black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to 
 secure, to put on board an outward bound whale 
 
JOE MILLER 41 
 
 ship from which he had deserted. " Matter ! 
 matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, 
 " pressing a poor negro to get oil." 
 
 69. — The Captain of a vessel just arrived in 
 the harbour of New York, directed one of the 
 crew, an Irishman, to throw the buoy overboard, n 
 He was then stepping into his cabin. On his re- 
 turn, the captain inquired if his order had been 
 obeyed. The Irishman, with great simplicity 
 replied, "" I could not catch the boy, but I threw 
 overboard the old cook." 
 
 70. — A Young Scotchman thus describes his 
 interview with a celebrated orator, to whom he 
 carried a letter of introduction. — " I found him 
 in his study, sitting on a sofa, apparently ab- 
 sorbed in meditation, his right leg thrown over 
 his left knee, with his right arm rigidly extended. 
 To this arm I advanced, making my best bow; 
 but I was favoured with no sign of recognition ; 
 no muscle moved, no fibre relaxed. A fear of 
 giving offence prevented me from speaking, and, 
 gently insinuating my letter between his fingers, 
 I retired to the door, which I held ready for my 
 retreat. After waiting about a quarter of an 
 hour in silent wonderment, he suddenly started 
 into life and activity — with a violent jerk threw 
 my letter unopened into a corner of the room — 
 stalked to the window — seized upon an unfortu- 
 nate wasp, (probably its first visit also) — and 
 crushed it to death. This second Polyphemus 
 now advanced to me with the mangled remains 
 
42 JOE MILLER 
 
 of his victim between his finger and thumb, ex- 
 claiming in a voice of thunder, 6 Do you know, 
 Sir, why I have done that? ' ' No, Sir,' I re- 
 plied. ' To get rid of it — as I wish to get rid of 
 you,' was the response. It need scarcely be 
 added, that I threw the door wide open, and ran 
 down stairs, to avoid impending fate." 
 
 71. — While at the court of Bornou, in the in- 
 terior of Africa, nothing appears to have an- 
 noyed Major Denham so much as to be told he 
 was of the same faith as the Kerdies or savages, 
 little distinction being made between any who 
 denied the Koran. After a long discussion of 
 this question, he thought the validity of his rea- 
 soning would be admitted, when he could point 
 to a party of those wretches devouring a dead 
 horse, and appealed to Boo Khalloom, if he had 
 ever seen the English do the same: but to this, 
 which was not after all a very deep theological 
 argument, the Arab replied, " I know they eat 
 the flesh of swine, and God knows, that is worse." 
 — " Grant me patience ! " exclaimed I to myself, 
 " this is too much to bear and to remain .silent." 
 
 72. — The Late King George III., in his 
 walks about his farms, was often alone, and many 
 pleasant little incidents occurred on meeting with 
 rustics, to whom he was sometimes unknown. 
 One day he had to pass through a narrow hedge- 
 gate, on which sat a young clown, who showed no 
 readiness in moving. "Who are you, boy?" 
 said the king. " I be a pig boy," answered he. 
 
JOE MILLER 43 
 
 " Where do you come from ? Who do you work 
 for here ? " — " I be from the low country ; out of 
 work at present." — " Don't they want lads 
 here?" said the king. "I doan't know," re- 
 joined the boy, " all belongs hereabouts to 
 Georgy." — " Pray," said his Majesty, " who is 
 Georgy? " — " He be the king, and lives at the 
 Castle, but he does no good to me." His Majesty 
 immediately gave orders at his farm hard by, to 
 have the boy employed ; and when he saw him, 
 told him to be a steady lad, and " Georgy " 
 might do some good for him. 
 
 73. — The Alleged Origin of the invention of 
 cards produced one of the shrewdest replies ever 
 given in evidence. It was made by the late Dr. 
 Gregory of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great 
 eminence at the Scottish Bar. The doctor's evi- 
 dence went to prove the insanity of the party 
 whose mental capacity was the point at issue. 
 On a cross interrogation he admitted that the 
 person in question played admirably at whist. 
 " And do you seriously say, Doctor," said the 
 learned counsel, " that a person having a supe- 
 rior capacity for a game so difficult, and which 
 requires, in a pre-eminent degree, memory, 
 judgment, and combination, can be at the same 
 time deranged in his understanding? " " I am 
 no card-player," said the doctor, with great ad- 
 dress, " but I have read in history, that cards 
 were invented for the amusement of an insane 
 king." The consequences of the reply were de- 
 cisive. 
 
M JOE MILLER 
 
 74. — The Following Bill was actually 
 furnished to a citizen of Dublin, a few years ago : 
 
 Mr. Fullam, Esq. 
 
 Dr. to James Iiickard, Shoemaker. 
 
 £0 2 2 
 
 14 
 
 8 
 
 2 
 
 To clicking and sowiing Miss Mary . . 
 To strapping and welting Miss Sally . . 
 To binding and closing Miss Ellen . . 
 To putting a few stitches in Miss Charlotte 
 
 75. — A Seedsman being lately held to bail for 
 using inflammatory language respecting the Re- 
 form Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the 
 line of his profession — to promote business, he 
 wished to sow sedition. 
 
 76. — In A Parish in Hertfordshire, a short 
 time since, the three following curiosities ap- 
 peared upon examining the parish accounts : One 
 of the overseers had made sixty-three weeks in the 
 year; an item in the other overseer's account 
 was for a sum of money paid towards the county 
 rats. This caused a good deal of laughter, in 
 which no one joined more heartily than the con- 
 stable, who immediately afterwards produced his 
 account, in which there was a charge for holding 
 a conquest on a man 'ounded. 
 
 77. — Liston, in his early career, was a fa- 
 vourite at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and having ap- 
 plied to the manager for a remuneration equal 
 to the increased value of his services, he refused 
 the request, adding, " If you are dissatisfied you 
 are welcome to leave me; such actors as you, Sir, 
 are to be found in every bush." On the evening of 
 
JOE MILLER 45 
 
 the day when this colloquy occurred, the manager 
 was driving to another town, where he intended 
 " to carry on the war," when he perceived Listen 
 standing in the middle of a hedge by the road- 
 side. " Good heavens, Liston," cried the man- 
 ager, " what are you doing there? " — " Only 
 looking for some of the actors you told me of 
 this morning," was the reply. 
 
 78.— A happy pair, in smart array, 
 By holy church united, 
 From London town in open shay, 
 Set off, by love incited. 
 
 The day was dull as dull could be,. 
 
 So (dreaming of no pun) 
 Quoth John, " I hope, my dear, that we 
 
 May have a little sun." 
 
 To which his bride, with simple heart, 
 
 Replied ('twas nature taught her), 
 " Well! — I confess — for my own part, 
 I'd rather have a daughter! " 
 
 79. — Joe Miller, sitting in the window at the 
 Sun Tavern, in Clare Street, while a fish-woman 
 was passing by, crying, " Buy my soals, buy my 
 maids ! " " Ah ! you wicked old creature ! " said 
 Joe, " are you not content to sell your own soul, 
 but you must sell your maid's too? " 
 
 80. Although the infirmities of nature are 
 not proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet 
 when people take a great deal of pains to con- 
 ceal what everybody sees, there is nothing more 
 ridiculous : of this sort was old Cross the player, 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 who being very deaf, did not care anybody 
 should know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a 
 friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old 
 Cross on the other side of the way, told his ac- 
 quaintance he should see some sport, so beckon- 
 ing to Cross with his ringer, and stretching open 
 his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed 
 to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow 
 came puffing from the other side of the way; 
 " What the deuce," said he, " do you make such 
 a noise for? do you think one can't hear? " 
 
 81. — A Gentleman was saying one day at 
 the Tilt-yard Coffee-house, when it rained ex- 
 ceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the 
 general deluge. " Zoons, Sir," said an old cam- 
 paigner who stood by, " who's that? I have heard 
 of all the generals in Europe but him." 
 
 82. — Vieuers, the witty and extravagant 
 Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint 
 to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder 
 of his affairs, and asked him what he should do 
 to prevent the ruin of his estate ? " Live as I 
 do, my Lord," said Sir John. — " That I can do," 
 answered the Duke, " when I am ruined." 
 
 83. — The Great Algernon Sidney seemed 
 to show very little concern at his death: he had, 
 indeed, got some friends to intercede with the 
 king for a pardon ; but when it was told him, 
 that his majesty could not be prevailed upon to 
 give him his life; but that, in regard to his an- 
 cient and noble family, he would remit part of 
 
JOE MILLER 47 
 
 his sentence, and only have his head cut off; 
 " Nay," said he, " if His Majesty is resolved to 
 have my head, he may make a whistle of my tail, 
 if he pleases." 
 
 84. — A Country Clergyman, meeting with a 
 neighbour who never came to church, although 
 an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some 
 reproof on that account, and asked, if he never 
 read at home? " No," replied the clown, " I 
 can't read." — " I dare say," said the parson, 
 " you don't know who made you? " — " Not I, in 
 troth," cried the countryman. A little boy com- 
 ing by at the same time, "Who made you, child? " 
 said the parson. " God, Sir," answered the boy. 
 " Why, look you there," quoth the honest clergy- 
 man, " are you not ashamed to hear a child of 
 five or six years old tell me who made him, when 
 you, that are so old a man, cannot? " — " Ah ! " 
 said the countryman, " it is no wonder that he 
 should remember; he was made but t'other day, 
 it is a great while, measter, since I war made." 
 
 85. — Henry IV. of France, reading an osten- 
 tatious inscription on the monument of a Spanish 
 officer, " Here lies the body of Don, &c, &c, &c, 
 who never knew what fear was." — " Then," said 
 the king, " he never snuffed a candle with his 
 fingers." 
 
 86. — A French Marquis, being one day at 
 dinner at the late Sir Roger Williams's, the fa- 
 mous punster and publican, was boasting of the 
 happy genius of his nation, in projecting all the 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle, 
 which he said, was de fine ornament to de hand, 
 and had been followed by all de other nations. 
 Roger allowed what he said, but at the same time, 
 that the English, according to custom, " had 
 made a great improvement upon their invention, 
 by adding the shirt to it." 
 
 87. — A Certain Nobleman, a courtier, in the 
 beginning of a late reign, coming out of the 
 House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Bucking- 
 ham with, "How does your pot boil, My Lord, 
 these troublesome times ? " to which His Grace re- 
 plied, " I never go into my kitchen ; but I dare 
 say the scum is uppermost." 
 
 88. — My Lord Strangford, who stammered 
 very much, was telling a certain bishop that sat 
 at his table, " that Balaam's ass spoke because 
 he was pri — est — " " Priest-rid, Sir," said a 
 valet-de-chambre, who stood behind the chair, 
 " my lord would say — " " No, friend," replied 
 the bishop, " Balaam could not speak himself, 
 and so his ass spoke for him." 
 
 89.- — A Person was saying, not at all to the 
 purpose, that Samson was a very strong man. 
 " Ay," said another, " but you are much 
 stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him 
 in by the head and shoulders." 
 
 90. — A Certain Fop was boasting in com- 
 pany that he had every sense in perfection. 
 " There is one you are quite without," said one 
 who was by, " and that is common sense." 
 
JOE MILLER 49 
 
 91. — Michael Angelo, in his picture of the 
 Last Judgment, in the Pope's chapel, painted 
 among the figures in hell that of a certain car- 
 dinal, who was his enemy, so like, that everybody 
 knew it at first sight: whereupon the cardinal 
 complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront, 
 and desiring it might be defaced; "You know 
 very well," said the Pope, " I have power to de- 
 liver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of 
 hell." 
 
 92. — King Henry VIII. designing to send a 
 nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very 
 dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, 
 saying, such a threatening message to so hot a 
 prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him 
 his life. " Fear not," said old Harry, " if the 
 French king should offer to take away your life, 
 I would revenge you by taking off the heads of 
 many Frenchmen now in my power." — " But of 
 all these heads," replied the nobleman, " there 
 may not be one to fit my shoulders." 
 
 98. — A Melting Sermon being preached in 
 a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man ; 
 who being asked why he did not weep with the 
 rest ? " Oh ! " said he, " I belong to another par- 
 ish." 
 
 94. — An Englishman and a Welshman dis- 
 puting in whose country was the best living; 
 said the Welshman, " There is such noble house- 
 keeping in Wales, that I have known above a 
 dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." 
 
50 JOE MILLER 
 
 " Ay," answered the Englishman, " that was be- 
 cause every man toasted his own cheese." 
 
 95, — A Country Fellow, who was just come 
 to London, gaping about in every shop he came 
 to, at last looked into a scrivener's, where seeing 
 only one man sitting at a desk, he could not im- 
 agine what commodity was sold there ; but call- 
 ing to the clerk, " Pray, Sir," said he, " What 
 do you sell here?" — "Loggerheads" cried the 
 other. "Do you?" answered the countryman; 
 " egad, then you've a special trade ; for I see 
 you have but one left." 
 
 96. — A Witty Knave coming into a lace shop 
 upon Ludgate Hill, said he had occasion for a 
 small quantity of very fine lace, and having 
 pitched upon that he liked, asked the woman of 
 the shop how much she would have for as much 
 as he could reach from one of his ears to the 
 other, and measure which way she pleased, either 
 over his head or under his chin. After some 
 words, they agreed, and he paid the money down, 
 and began to measure, saying, " One of my ears 
 is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in 
 Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to 
 make good your bargain; however, I will take 
 this piece in part, and desire you will provide the 
 rest with all expedition." 
 
 97. — The Emperor Augustus being shown a 
 young Grecian who very much resembled him, 
 asked the young man, if his mother had not been 
 
JOE MILLER 51 
 
 at Rome, " No, Sir," answered the Grecian, " but 
 my father has." 
 
 98. — The Late Sir Godfrey Kneeler had 
 always a great contempt, I will not pretend to 
 say how justly, for Jervais the painter; and 
 being one day about twenty miles from London, 
 one of his servants told him at dinner, " that 
 there was Mr. Jervais come that day into the 
 same town w r ith a coach and four." — " Ay," said 
 Sir Godfrey, " if his horses draw no better than 
 himself, they'll never carry him to town again." 
 
 99. — Diogenes begging, as was the custom 
 among many philosophers, asked a prodigal 
 man for more than any one else ; whereupon one 
 said to him, " I see your business, that when you 
 find a liberal mind, you will make the most of 
 him." — " No," said Diogenes, " but I mean to 
 beg of the rest again." 
 
 100. — A Scotchman was very angry with an 
 English gentleman, who he said had abused him, 
 and called him false Scot. " Indeed," said the 
 Englishman, " I said no such thing, but that you 
 were a true Scot." 
 
 101. — A Gentleman coming to an inn in 
 Smithfield, and seeing the ostler expert and tract- 
 able about the horses, asked how long he had 
 lived there, and what countryman he was. " I's 
 Yorkshire," said the fellow, " an ha lived sixteen 
 years here." " I wonder," replied the gentle- 
 man, " that in so long a time, so clever a fellow 
 
52 JOE MILLER 
 
 as you seem t«o be, have not come to be master of 
 the inn yourself ! " — " Ay," answered the ostler, 
 " but maister's Yorkshire too." 
 
 102. — The late Colonel Chartres, re- 
 flecting on his ill life and character, told a cer- 
 tain gentleman, that if such a thing as a good 
 name was to be purchased, he would freely give 
 ten thousand pounds for one. The nobleman 
 said, it would certainly be the worst money he 
 ever laid out in his life. " Why so? " said the 
 honest colonel. " Because," answered the lord, 
 " you would forfeit it again in less than a week." 
 
 103. — Among the articles exhibited to King 
 Henry by the Irish against the earl of Kildare, 
 the last concluded thus : " And finally all Ireland 
 cannot rule the earl." — " Then," said the king, 
 " the earl shall rule all Ireland ; " and so made 
 him deputy. 
 
 104. — A Reverend and Charitable Divine, 
 for the benefit of the country where he resided, 
 caused a large causeway to be begun ; and as he 
 was one day overlooking the work, a certain 
 nobleman came by : " Well, doctor," said he, 
 " for all your great pains and charity, I don't 
 take this to be the highway to Heaven." — 
 " Very true, my lord," replied the doctor ; " for 
 if it had, I should have wondered to have met 
 your lordship here." 
 
 105. — Two Jesuits having packed together 
 an innumerable parcel of miraculous lies, a per- 
 son who heard them, without taking upon him to 
 
JOE MILLER 53 
 
 contradict them, told them one of his own : that 
 at St. Alban's there was a stone cistern, in which 
 water was always preserved for the use of that 
 saint, and that ever since, if a swine should eat 
 out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits 
 hugged themselves at the story, set out the next 
 day to St. Alban's, where they found themselves 
 miserably deceived. On their return, they up- 
 braided the person with telling them so mon- 
 strous a story. " Look you there now," said he, 
 " you told me a hundred lies t'other night, and I 
 had more breeding than to contradict }^ou : I told 
 you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to 
 confute me, which is very uncivil." 
 
 106. — A Welshman and an Englishman va- 
 pouring one day at the fruitfulness of their 
 countries, the Englishman said, there was a close 
 near the town where he was born, which was so 
 very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in over- 
 night, it would be so covered with grass, that it 
 should be difficult to find it the next day. 
 " Splut," says the Welshman, "what's that? 
 There's a close where hur was born, where you 
 may put your horse in over night, and not be 
 able to find him next morning." 
 
 107. — King Charles II. being in company 
 with Lord Rochester and others of the nobility, 
 Killigrew came in. " Now," sa}^s the king, " we 
 shall hear of our faults." — " No, faith," says 
 Killigrew, " I don't care to trouble my head with 
 that which all the town talks of." 
 
54 JOE MILLER 
 
 108. — One telling another that he had once 
 so excellent a gun, that it went off immediately 
 upon a thief's coming into the house, although it 
 was not charged. " How the devil can that be? " 
 said the other. " Because," said the first, " the 
 thief carried it off ; and what was worse, before I 
 had time to charge him with it." 
 
 109. — A fellow once standing in the pillory 
 at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a 
 carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to 
 pass ; and driving just up to the pillory, he 
 asked, what that was that was wrote over the per- 
 son's head? They told him, it was a paper to 
 signify his crime, that he stood there for for- 
 gery. " Ay," said he, " what is forgery ? " — 
 They answered him that forgery was counterfeit- 
 ing another's hand, with intent to cheat people. 
 To which the carman replied, looking up at the 
 ©ffender, " Oh, pox, this comes of your writing 
 and reading, you silly dog." 
 
 110. — Judge Jeffreys when on the bench, 
 told an old fellow with a long beard, that he sup- 
 posed he had a conscience as long as his beard. 
 " Does your lordship," replied the old man, 
 " measure consciences by beards ? If so, your 
 lordship has none at all." 
 
 111. — Sir Godfrey Kneleer, the painter, 
 and the late Dr. Ratcliffe, had a garden in com- 
 mon, but with one gate. Sir Godfrey, on some 
 occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed. When 
 the doctor heard of it, he said, he did not care 
 
JOE MILLER 55 
 
 what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not 
 paint it. This being told to Sir Godfrey, 
 " Well," replied he, " I can take that or any- 
 thing else but physic, from my good friend Dr. 
 RatclifFe." 
 
 112. — A Philosopher carrying something hid 
 under his cloak, an impertinent fellow asked him 
 what he had under his cloak? To which the 
 philosopher answered, " I carry it there, that, 
 you might not know." 
 
 113. — Lord Chief Justice Jeffreys had a 
 cause before him between a Jew that was plain- 
 tiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter 
 pleaded, though the debt was very just, that the 
 Jew had no right, by the laws of England, to 
 bring an action. " Well," says my lord, " have 
 you no other plea? "- — " No, my lord," said he, 
 " I insist on this plea." — " Do you," says my 
 lord, " then let me tell you, you are the greatest 
 Jew of the two." 
 
 114. — Some Gentlemen coming out of a 
 tavern pretty merry, a link-boy cried, " Have a 
 light, gentlemen ? " — " Light yourself to the 
 devil, you dog," said one of the company. 
 " Bless you, master," replied the boy, " we can 
 find the way in the dark; shall we light your 
 worship thither? " 
 
 115. — The Duchess of Newcastle, who 
 wrote plays and romances, in king Charles the 
 Second's time, asked Bishop Wilkins, how she 
 could get up to the world in the moon, which he 
 
56 JOE MILLER 
 
 had discovered; for as the journey must needs 
 be very long, there would be no possibility of 
 going through it, without resting on the way? 
 " Oh, madam," said the bishop, " your grace has 
 built so many castles in the air, that you cannot 
 want a place to bait at." 
 
 116- — An Englishman going into one of the 
 French ordinaries in Soho, and finding a large 
 dish of soup with about half a pound of mutton 
 in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig, 
 his stock, and then his coat; at which one of the 
 monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what 
 he was going to do? " Why, monsieur," said he, 
 " I mean to strip, that I may swim through this 
 ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton/* 
 
 117. — A Poor Ingenious Lad, who was a 
 servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to 
 buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were 
 very bad, got them capp'd at the toes ; upon 
 which, being bantered by some of his companions, 
 "Why should they not be capp'd?" said he; 
 " I am sure they are fellows.'" 
 
 118. — The Standers By, to comfort a poor 
 man, who lay on his death-bed, told him, he 
 should be carried to church by four very proper 
 fellows. " I thank ye," said he, " but I had 
 much rather go by myself." 
 
 119.- — When poor Daniel Button died, one of 
 his punning customers being at his funeral, and 
 looking on the grave, cried out, " This is a more 
 lasting Button-hole than any made by a tailor." 
 
JOE MILLER 57 
 
 ISO.— One asking a painter how he could 
 paint such pretty faces in his pictures, and yet 
 get such homely children? " Because," said he, 
 " I make the first by day-light and the other in 
 the dark" 
 
 121. — A Gentleman calling for small beer at 
 another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, 
 gave it the servant again without drinking. 
 " What," said the master of the house, " do not 
 you like the beer? " " It is not to be found 
 fault with," answered the other ; " for one should 
 never speak ill of the dead." 
 
 122. — One asking another, which way a man 
 might use tobacco to have any benefit from it; 
 " By setting up a shop to sell it," said he ; " for 
 certainly there is no profit to be had from it any 
 other way." 
 
 123. — Ben Jonson being one night at the 
 Devil Tavern, there was a country gentleman 
 in the company, who interrupted all other dis- 
 course with an account of his land and tene- 
 ments ; at last Ben, unable to bear it longer, said 
 to him, " What signifies your dirt and clods to 
 us? where you have one acre of land, I have ten 
 acres of wit." — " Have you so," said the coun- 
 tryman, " good Mr. Wiseacre? " This unex- 
 pected repartee from the clown struck Ben quite 
 mute for a time. " Why, how now, Ben ? " said 
 one of the company ; " you seem to be quite 
 stung." — " I never was so prick'd by a hobnail 
 before," replied he. 
 
58 joe Miller 
 
 124.— An Extravagant Young Fellow, 
 rallying a frugal country 'squire, who had a 
 good estate, and spent but little of it, said, 
 among other things, " I'll warrant you, that 
 plate-buttoned suit was your great grand- 
 father's." — " Yes," said the other, " and I have 
 my great grandfather's lands too." 
 
 125. — Two Country Attorneys overtaking 
 a waggoner on the road, and thinking to break 
 a joke upon him, asked him, why his fore horse 
 was so fat, and the rest so lean? The waggoner 
 knowing them to be limbs of the law, answered, 
 " That his fore horse was a lawyer, and the rest 
 were his clients." 
 
 126.— A Gentleman having sent for a car- 
 penter's servant to knock a nail or two in his 
 study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched 
 his ears, and said, he hoped the gentleman would 
 give him something to make him drink. " Make 
 you drink," said the gentleman, " there's a 
 pickled herring for you ; and if that won't make 
 you drink, I'll give you another" 
 
 127. — A Sharper seeing a country gentleman 
 sitting alone at an inn, and thinking something 
 might be made of him, he went and sat near him, 
 and took the liberty to drink to him. Having 
 thus introduced himself, he called for a paper 
 of tobacco, and said, " Do you smoke, Sir? " — 
 " Yes," says the gentleman, " any one that has 
 a design upon me." 
 
JOE MILLER 59 
 
 128. — A Certain Country Farmer was ob- 
 served never to be in good humour when he was 
 hungry ; for this reason his wife was careful to 
 watch the time of his coming home, and always 
 have dinner ready on the table. One day he sur- 
 prised her, and she had only time to set a mess 
 of broth ready for him, who soon, according to 
 custom, began to open his pipes, and maundering 
 over his broth, forgetting what he was about, 
 burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good 
 wife seeing him in that sputtering condition, 
 comforted him as follows : " See what it is now, 
 had you kept your breath to cool your pottage, 
 you would not have burnt your mouth, John." 
 
 129. — A Harmless Country Fellow having 
 commenced a suit against a gentleman that had 
 beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn, when 
 the assizes drew near, his adversary bribed his 
 only evidence to keep out of the way. " Well," 
 says the fellow, " I'm resolved I'll go up to town, 
 and the king shall know it." — " The king know 
 it," says his landlord, who was an attorney, 
 " prithee what good will that do you, if the man 
 keeps out of the way? " — " Why, Sir," says the 
 poor fellow, " I have heard you say, the king 
 could make a man a peer at any time." 
 
 130. — A Scotch Bag-piper travelling in 
 Poland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and 
 sat down to dinner : no sooner had he said grace, 
 but three wolves came about him ; to one he threw 
 
60 JOE MILLER 
 
 bread, to another meat, till his provender was 
 gone; at length he took up his bag-pipes, and 
 began to play, at which the wolves ran away. 
 " The de'el saw me," said Sawney, " an I had 
 kenn'd you lo'ed music sa weel, you should have 
 ha'en it before dinner." 
 
 131. — Metullus Nepos asking Cicero, the 
 Roman orator, in a scoffing manner, who 
 was his father? Cicero replied, " Thy mother 
 has made that question harder for thee to 
 answer." 
 
 132. — A Philosopher benig asked, why 
 learned men frequented rich men's houses, but 
 rich men seldom visited the learned? answered, 
 " That the first know what they want, but the 
 latter do not." 
 
 133. — A Gentleman named Ball, being 
 about to purchase a cornetcy in a regiment of 
 horse, was presented to the colonel for approba- 
 tion, who, being a nobleman, declared he did not 
 like the name, and would have no Balls in his 
 regiment : " Nor powder, neither," said the gen- 
 tleman, " if your lordship could help it." 
 
 134. — Mr. Pope being at dinner with a noble 
 duke, had his own servant in livery waiting on 
 him ; the duke asked him, " Why he, that eat 
 mostly at other people's tables, should be such 
 a fool as to keep a fellow in livery to laugh at 
 him? " — " 'Tis true," answered the poet, " I keep 
 but one to laugh at me, but your grace has the 
 honour to keep a dozen." 
 
JOE MILLER 61 
 
 135. — When Recruits were raising for the 
 late wars, a serjeant told his captain that he had 
 got him a very extraordinary man. " Ay," says 
 the captain, " prithee what's he? " — " A butcher, 
 Sir," replies the serjeant, " and your honour will 
 have double service of him, for we had two sheep- 
 stealers in the company before." 
 
 136. — In a Cause tried at the King's Bench, 
 a witness was produced who had a very red nose, 
 and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being 
 desirous to put him out of countenance, called 
 out to him, after he was sworn, " Well, let's hear 
 what you have to say, with your copper nose." — 
 " Why, Sir," said he, " by the oath I have taken, 
 I would not exchange my copper nose for your 
 brazen face." 
 
 137. — An Old Cavalier told a great rumper, 
 that he saw his master Oliver hanged, and he 
 stunk horribly. " Ay," said the last, " no doubt 
 but he stunk after he had been dead so long, but 
 he would have made you stink if he had been 
 alive." 
 
 138. — Some Scholars, on a time, going to 
 steal coneys, by the. way they warned a novice 
 amongst them to make no noise, for fear of 
 spoiling their game ; but he no sooner spied some, 
 but he cried out aloud, " Ecce coniculi multi." 
 Whereupon the coneys ran away with all speed 
 into their burrows : upon which his fellows chid- 
 ing him, " Who the devil," says he, " would have 
 thought that the coneys understood Latin? " 
 
62 JOE MILLER 
 
 139.— A Parson thinking to banter an honest 
 quaker, asked him, where his religion was before 
 George Fox's time? "Where thine was," said 
 the quaker, " before Harry Tudor's time. — Now 
 thou hast been free with me," added the quaker, 
 " pray let me ask thee a question: — Where was 
 Jacob going when he was turned of ten years 
 of age? Canst thou tell that? " — " No, nor you 
 neither, I believe." — " Yes, I can," replied the 
 quaker, " he was going into his eleventh year, 
 was he not? " 
 
 140. — Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman 
 in her garden, who had not felt the effect of 
 her favours so soon as he expected, looking out 
 of her window, said to him in Italian, " What 
 does a man think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks 
 of nothing? " After a little pause, he answered, 
 " He thinks, Madam, of a woman's promise ." 
 The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard 
 to say, " Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute 
 you : anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps 
 them poor." 
 
 141. — When the late Dauphin of France said 
 to the facetious Duke of Roquelaure, " Stand 
 farther off, Roquelaure, for you stink." The 
 duke replied, " I ask your pardon, Sir, 'tis you 
 that smell, not I." 
 
 142. — A Gentleman in king Charles the Sec- 
 ond's time, who had paid a tedious attendance at 
 court for a place, and had a thousand promises, 
 at length resolved to see the king himself; so 
 
JOE MILLER 63 
 
 getting himself introduced, he told his majesty 
 what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly 
 asked him for the place just then vacant. The 
 king hearing his story, told him he had just 
 given the place away ; upon which the gentle- 
 man made a very low obeisance to the king, and 
 thanked him extremely, which he repeated often. 
 The king, observing how over-thankful he was, 
 called him again, and asked him the reason why 
 he gave him such extraordinary thanks, when 
 he had denied his suit? " The rather, please 
 your majesty," replied the gentleman, " because 
 your courtiers have kept me waiting here these 
 two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs, but 
 your majesty has saved all that trouble, and 
 generously given me my answer at once." — 
 " Cod's fish, man," says the king, " thou shalt 
 have the place for thy downright honesty." 
 
 143. — Some Repartees, if, strictly speaking, 
 they are not to be brought under the head of 
 jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and 
 the politeness of the expression, are somewhat 
 better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir 
 Robert Sutton to the late king of Prussia, on 
 his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, 
 if he would say, an equal number of Englishmen 
 could beat them : " No, Sir," answered Sir 
 Robert, " I won't pretend to say that, but I be- 
 lieve half the number would try." 
 
 144. — It was a beautiful turn given by a 
 great lady, who, being asked, where her husband 
 
64 JOE MILLER 
 
 was, when he lay concealed for having been 
 deeply concerned in a conspiracy, resolutely an- 
 swered, she had hid him. This confession drew 
 her before the king, who told her, nothing but 
 her discovering where her lord was concealed, 
 could save her from the torture. " And will that 
 do? " says the lady. — " Yes," says the king, " I 
 give you my word for it." — " Then," says she, 
 " I have hid him in my heart, there you'll find 
 him." Which surprising answer charmed her 
 enemies. 
 
 145. — A Countryman in the street inquiring 
 the way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard 
 him, said, he'd show him presently. " Do but 
 go across the way," said he, " to yon goldsmith's 
 shop, and move off with one of those silver tank- 
 ards and it will bring you thither presently." 
 
 146. — Lord Faulkner, author of the play 
 called " The Marriage Night," was chosen very 
 3 r oung to sit in parliament; and when he was 
 first elected some of the members opposed his 
 admission, urging, that he had not sown all his 
 wild oats. " Then," replied he, " it will be the 
 best way to sow them in the house, where there 
 are so many geese to pick them up." 
 
 147. — A Pragmatical Young Fellow, sit- 
 ting at table over against the learned John Scot, 
 asked him, what difference there was between 
 Scot and sot? " Just the breadth of the table," 
 answered the other. 
 
JOE MILLER 65 
 
 148. — The Late Mr. Philip Thicknesse, 
 father of Lord Audlcy, being in want of money, 
 applied to his son for assistance. This being de- 
 nied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, di- 
 rectly opposite his lordship's house, and put up 
 a sign-board, on which was inscribed in large 
 letters, " Boots and shoes mended in the best 
 and cheapest manner by Philip Thicknesse, 
 father of Lord Audley." The consequence of 
 this may be easily imagined; the board did not 
 remain there many days. 
 
 149- — A Certain Priest in a rich abbey in 
 Florence, being a fisherman's son, caused a net 
 to be spread every day on a table in his apart- 
 ment, to put him in mind of his origin. The 
 abbot dying, this dissembled humility procured 
 him to be chosen abbot ; after which, the net was 
 used no more. Being asked the reason, he an- 
 swered, there is no occasion for the net, now the 
 fish is caught. 
 
 150. — Sir Thomas More, the famous chan- 
 cellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the 
 last moment, when he came to be executed on 
 Tower-hill, the headsman demanded his upper 
 garment as his fee ; " Ah ! friend," said he, tak- 
 ing off his cap, " that, I think, is my upper gar- 
 ment." 
 
 151. — Three or four roguish scholars walk- 
 ing out one day from the University of Oxford, 
 espied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in 
 a ditch, with an ass by him laden with earthen- 
 
66 JOE MILLER 
 
 ware, holding the bridle in his hand: says one 
 of the scholars to the rest, " If you will assist 
 me, I'll help you to a little money, for you know 
 we are bare at present." No doubt of it they 
 were not long consenting. " Why, then," said 
 he, " we'll go and sell this old fellow's ass at 
 Abingdon ; for you know the fair is to-morrow, 
 and we shall meet with chapmen enough: there- 
 fore do you take the panniers off, and put them 
 upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and 
 then lead the ass to market, and let me alone 
 with the old man." This being done accordingly, 
 in a little time after, the poor man awaking, was 
 strangely surprised to see his ass thus metamor- 
 phosed. " Oh ! for God's sake," said the scholar, 
 " take this bridle out of my mouth, and this 
 load from my back." — " Zoons ! how came you 
 here? " replied the old man. — " Why," said he, 
 " my father, who is a necromancer, upon an idle 
 thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me 
 into an ass ; but now his heart has relented, and 
 I am come to my own shape again, I beg you will 
 let me go home and thank him." — " By all 
 means," said the crockery merchant, " I do not 
 desire to have anything to do with conjur- 
 ation : " and so set the scholar at liberty, who 
 went directly to his comrades, who by this time 
 were making merry with the money they had sold 
 the ass for. But the old fellow was forced to 
 go the next day to seek for a new one in the 
 fair; and after having looked on several, his 
 
 
JOE MILLER 67 
 
 own was shown him for a good one : " Oh ! " said 
 he, " what, have he and his father quarrelled 
 again already ? No, no, I'll have nothing to say 
 to him." 
 
 152. — An Irish Soldier once returning from 
 battle in the night, marching a little way behind 
 his companion, called out to him. " Hollo, Pat, 
 I have catch' d a tartar ! " — " Bring him along 
 then ! bring him along then ! " — " Aye, but he 
 won't come." — " Why then come away without 
 him." — " By Jasus, but he won't let me ! ' 
 
 153. — Cato, the Censor, being ask'd, how it 
 came to pass, that he had no statue erected for 
 him, who had so well deserved of the common- 
 wealth? " I had rather," said he, " have this 
 question ask'd, than Why I had one? " 
 
 154. — An Irish Officer, travelling in com- 
 pany with a bald gentleman, had desired the 
 waiter of the inn where they put up the first 
 night, to wake him early in the morning, as he 
 had some letters to w r rite before leaving the place. 
 Previous to his beginning his journey, he had 
 got his head shaved. Forgetting this last cir- 
 cumstance, when the waiter aroused him as or- 
 dered, Paddy, scratching his pate, and feeling 
 it bald, exclaimed : " You wretch of a waiter, by 
 the powers ! you have waked the bald man instead 
 of me." 
 
 155. — An Irish Officer in battle happening 
 to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and 
 took off the head of a soldier who stood behind 
 
68 JOE MILLER 
 
 him : " You see," said he, " that a man never loses 
 by politeness." 
 
 156. — Jenny is poor, and I am poor; 
 
 Yet we will wed — so say no more; 
 
 And should the bairns you mention come, 
 
 (As few that marry but have some) 
 
 No doubt but Heav'n will stand our friend, 
 
 And bread as well as children send. 
 
 So fares the hen in farmer's yard, 
 
 To live alone she finds it hard; 
 
 I've known her weary every claw 
 
 In search of corn amongst the straw; 
 
 But when in quest of nicer food 
 
 She clucks amongst her chirping brood; 
 
 With joy I've seen that self-same hen 
 
 That scratch'd for one, could scratch for ten. 
 
 These are the thoughts that make me willing 
 
 To take my girl without a shilling: 
 
 And for the self same cause, d'ye see, 
 
 Jenny's resolv'd to marry me! 
 
 157. — An Irish Horse-dealer sold a mare 
 as sound wind and limb, and without fault. It 
 afterwards appeared that the poor beast could 
 not see at all with one eye, and was almost blind 
 of the other. The purchaser finding this, made 
 heavy complaints to the dealer, and reminded 
 him, that he engaged the mare to be " without 
 fault."—" To be sure," replied the other, " to 
 be sure I did ; but then, my dear honey, the poor 
 crater's blindness is not her fault, but her mis- 
 fortune.''' 
 
 158. — A Reverend Gentleman, seeing an 
 Irish fishwoman skinning some eels, said to her, 
 " How can you be so cruel? don't you think you 
 put them to a great deal of pain? " — " Why, 
 
JOE MILLER 69 
 
 your honour," she replied, " I might when I first 
 began business ; but I have dealt in them twenty 
 years, and by this time they must be quite used 
 to it." 
 
 159. — A Quarter-master in a regiment f 
 light horse (lately quartered in a neighbouring 
 county), who was about six feet high, and very 
 corpulent, was joking with an Irishman concern- 
 ing the natural proneness of his countrymen to 
 make bulls in conversation. — " By my soul," said 
 the Irishman, " Ireland never made such a bull 
 in all her life-time, as England did when she 
 made a light horseman of you." 
 
 160. — An Irish Country Schoolmaster be- 
 ing asked what was meant by the word, " forti- 
 fication," instantly answered, with the utmost 
 confidence, " two twentifications make a fortifica- 
 tion." 
 
 161. — A Scotchman and an Irishman were 
 sleeping at an inn together. The weather being 
 rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his 
 leg out of the bed. A traveller in passing the 
 room door, saw him in this situation, and having 
 a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon 
 Sawney's heel : who drawing his leg into the bed, 
 so disturbed his companion that he exclaimed, 
 " Arrah honey, have a care of your great toe, 
 for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." 
 The Scotchman being sound asleep, and some- 
 times, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other 
 companions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till 
 
70 JOE MILLER 
 
 his patience being quite spent, he succeeded in 
 rousing Sawney, who not a little surprised at 
 finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, 
 " Deil take the daft chiel of an ostler* he's ta'en 
 my boots off last night, and left on the spur." 
 
 162. — A Gentleman once asked Sir Richard 
 Steele, why the Irish, his countrymen, were so 
 prone to make bulls, " Indeed," said the knight, 
 " I suppose it is owing to some quality in the 
 soil, for I really think, if an Englishman were 
 born in Ireland, he would make as many bulls 
 as an Irishman." 
 
 163. — During the memorable engagement in 
 which Lord Nelson achieved his immortal victory 
 over the French fleet, upon the coast of Egypt, 
 an officer, on board his vessel, had his right 
 arm shot off, and lost an eye by a splinter. His 
 illustrious commander, whose vigilance was un- 
 remitting, for he had an eye out upon such oc- 
 casions, on hearing of the officer's accident, vis- 
 ited him in his cabin, though wounded himself, 
 as soon as the battle was over, and expressed his 
 concern for the misfortune. The officer, with 
 equal gallantry and politeness said, " Admiral, 
 you lead the fashions here, and he must indeed 
 be destitute of taste, who is not proud on this 
 day to be like you in anything." 
 
 164. — An Alderman having occasion to ride 
 some miles out of town, on his return the next 
 day, exclaimed to a friend who accompanied 
 him, " How is this? yesterday all the mile-stones 
 
 
JOE MILLER 71 
 
 were on my left hand, and to-day they are on 
 my right." 
 
 165. — An Irish Recruit being rebuked by 
 the Serjeant for striking one of his comrades, " I 
 thought there was no harm in it," quoth Pat, 
 " as I had nothing in my hand but my fist." 
 
 166. — The Well-known Mr. Price kept a 
 go-down or shop at Calcutta, where he sold a 
 gun to an Irishman, who soon returned with it, 
 complaining that the barrel was much bent. " Is 
 it? " said Price, " then I ought to have charged 
 thee more for it." — " Why so? " said the other. 
 " Because these pieces are constructed for shoot- 
 ing round a corner." — " If that be the case," 
 says Paddy, " then I insist on retaining my pur- 
 chase." 
 
 167. — The Pomposity of Dr. Johnson, and 
 his vain display of learning amongst those who 
 assumed in his presence any acquaintance with 
 literature, are well known. Old Macklin, the 
 player, who was a genuine Hibernian, one day 
 paid the doctor a visit as a literary man ; and 
 after a few introductory words, the doctor ob- 
 served, in a sneering way, that literary men 
 should not converse in the vulgar tongue, but 
 in the learned languages, and immediately ad- 
 dressed the dramatist in a long sentence of Latin. 
 Macklin, after expressing his accedence to the 
 doctor's proposition, said he would rather con- 
 verse in Greek, and immediately proceeded in a 
 long sentence of equal length in Irish. The doc- 
 
72 JOE MILLER 
 
 tor again reverted to the English tongue, and 
 observed, " Sir, you may speak very good Greek, 
 but I am not sufficiently versed in that dialect, 
 to converse with you fluently." Macklin burst 
 out laughing, made his bow, and retired. 
 
 168. — The Late Lord Sommerton, arch- 
 bishop of Dublin, while he enjoyed the arch- 
 bishopric of Cashel, and was about to be collated 
 to the metropolitan see, had entered into a treaty 
 with his tenants in general, to receive fines for a 
 renewal of their leases (through which means, 
 by the way, the reverend prelate netted a sum 
 of 50,000/.). Amongst others who came to treat 
 with the right reverend prelate, was the widow 
 of a wealthy farmer, who, after travelling some 
 distance, arrived while his lordship was at dinner 
 en famille. As soon as her arrival was an- 
 nounced, he desired she might be introduced to 
 the dinner-parlour, and politely pressed her to 
 sit down and dine. The lady declined, and said 
 she had " got her dinner already." The Arch- 
 bishop, supposing her refusal arose from bash- 
 fulness, pressed her to partake of some dish, and 
 amongst the rest, very urgently recommended 
 her to take some roast hare. The matron, in the 
 simplicity of her heart, answered, " Upon my 
 conscience, please your lordship, I don't care for 
 it, my belli/ is full of hare already; for my son 
 shot two yesterday, and we had them for dinner 
 to-day." The hare which the poor woman meant 
 must have been game, for the company laughed 
 immoderately. 
 
JOE MILLER 73 
 
 169. — The gallery wit of the Dublin theatres 
 has long been celebrated; for, perhaps the mob 
 of that city are the wittiest blackguards in 
 Europe : and the deities of the upper gallery 
 never fail to mark their approbation or hatred 
 for all public characters who happen to catch 
 their eyes, by plaudits or groans : even the Vice- 
 roy if present comes in for his share in these at- 
 tentions, just as he happens to be popular or un- 
 popular ; and some of those august personages 
 unable to bear this kind of attack have uniformly 
 absented themselves from the theatre. The late 
 amiable Manners, Duke of Rutland, and his 
 beautiful Duchess, appeared one night in the 
 vice regal box, when a celebrated abbess named 
 Peg Plunkett, with a few of her nymphs ap- 
 peared in the side boxes. The upper gallery 
 wits immediately began upon the Paphian Priest- 
 ess with " Ha ! Peg ! who slept with you last 
 night, Peg? " To which she immediately an- 
 swered in a tone of reproof, " Manners, you 
 blackguards." This was so palpable a hit at the 
 representative of royalty, who was a frequent 
 visitant at her Nunnery, that it threw the house 
 into a roar of laughter, and the noble Duke re- 
 tired under much embarrassment. 
 
 170. — Mr. Burke, in his juvenile days, was 
 extremely fond of private acting. A few of his 
 companions proposed that he should play Rich- 
 mond, in Richard the Third; and having given 
 him the part at a very short notice, he arose be- 
 times one morning, and walked down a lane ad- 
 
71 
 
 JOE MILLER 
 
 joining his father's house, so intent on studying 
 his part, that he did not perceive a filthy ditch 
 •before him, and had just uttered with heroic dig- 
 nity, " Thus far have we got into the bowels of 
 the land," when he found himself up to his 
 middle in the mire. 
 
 171. — An Hibernian Officer, being once in 
 company with several who belonged to the same 
 corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay 
 a dozen of claret, that the Irishman made a bull 
 before the evening was over. " Done," said 
 Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of 
 puzzling him, he was asked how many bulls there 
 were in that town. " Five," said he. " How do 
 you make them out? " said the other. " Faith," 
 said he, " there is the Black Bull in the market- 
 place, and the Red Bull over the way; then 
 there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge and the 
 White Bull at the corner/' — " They are but 
 four," said the other. " Why arrah," said he, 
 " there is the Dun Cow in the Butcher-row." — 
 " That's a bull," said the other. " By Jasus," 
 said he, "then I have won. my wager, and you 
 have made the bull and not me." 
 
 172. — A Gentleman having built a large 
 house, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. 
 His steward advised him to have a pit dug large 
 enough to contain it. " And what," said the 
 gentleman, smiling, " shall I do with the earth 
 which is dug out of the pit!" To which the 
 steward, with great gravity, replied, " Have the 
 pit wade large enough to hold all." 
 
JOE MILLER 75 
 
 173. — Two Irish Soldiers, being quartered 
 in a borough in the west of England, got into 
 conversation respecting their quarters. " How," 
 said the one, " are you quartered? "- — " Pretty 
 well." — " What part of the house do you sleep 
 in? " — " Up stairs." — " In the garret, per- 
 haps? " — "The garret! no; Dennis O'Brien 
 would never sleep in a garret." — " Where 
 then? " — " Why, I know not what you call it; 
 but I call it first fliire down the chimley ." 
 
 174. — An Irishman, being struck by his 
 master, cried out, " Devil take me, if I am cer- 
 tain whether he has kilt me or no ; but if I am 
 kilt, it will afford me great satisfaction to hear 
 the old dog was hanged for killing me." 
 
 175. — One of the last few patriotic acts of 
 the Irish parliament was the establishment of a 
 public botanical garden, at the village of Glass- 
 nevin, near Dublin, principally with a view to 
 the arrangement and cultivation of useful plants, 
 the national growth of the country. The pro- 
 fessor of this institution, Dr. Wade, when just 
 proceeding to the south upon a botanizing tour, 
 met the celebrated Sir Boyle Roache, who asked 
 him where he was going. He answered, " To the 
 south, Sir Boyle, on a botanizing excursion, to 
 collect indigenous plants for our garden." — 
 " Why, then, my dear doctor," replied the good- 
 natured baronet, " I would advise you to go di- 
 rectly to the county of Kerry, where you can 
 botanize all round the lake of Killarney in my 
 Lord Kenmure's barge, and find more indigence 
 
76 JOE MILLER 
 
 planted there than in any other county of this 
 kingdom." 
 
 176. — Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman, 
 in the service of the United States, during the 
 American war, chanced to take three Hessian 
 prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being 
 asked by the commander-in-chief, how he had 
 taken them? "By Jasus ! I surrounded them," 
 was the answer. 
 
 177. — An Irish Student of the Temple hav- 
 ing occasion to go to dinner, left this direction 
 in the keyhole : " Gone to the Elephant and 
 Castle, where you shall find me ; and if you can't 
 read this, carry it to the stationer's and he shall 
 read it for you." 
 
 178. — A Constitutional citizen of London, 
 within the very sound of Bow bell, was pretty 
 constant in the habit of rising early, and taking 
 a rural morning walk, either in Moorfields, or, in 
 wet weather, under the piazza of the Royal Ex- 
 change, to create an appetite for his buttered 
 muffins, and improve his health. But having 
 overslept himself one morning, after swallowing 
 an over-dose of stomach furniture on the preced- 
 ing day at a civic feast, his fond rib reminded 
 him after breakfast, that he had not taken his 
 morning walk. But he answered, " Nay, that 
 don't much signify; I shall take it in the after- 
 noon, lovey." 
 
 179. — Whether it be a consequence of the 
 act of LTnion, or of the frequent prevalence of 
 
JOK MILLER 
 
 ■ . 
 
 westerly winds, is not decided ; but any person 
 who mixes much with company, frequents our 
 law courts, or even our senate-house, will often 
 discover that we Britons have acquired as pretty 
 a knack at blundering as many of our Irish 
 neighbours. In a late prosecution against a 
 smasher of counterfeit coin, the learned Old 
 Bailey counsel, in stating the case to the jury 
 observed, " that the prisoner at the bar had been 
 twice before convicted as a notorious utterer of 
 brass silver." Another learned barrister, in stat- 
 ing the case of a burglary, observed, " that it 
 was committed at a quarter past twelve at night, 
 on the morning of the next day." And if we 
 only advert to the ordinary dialect of common 
 conversation, what expressions are more frequent 
 than, " come will you go? " or, " are you going 
 to stay? " An Hibernian, who was a good deal 
 annoyed by some city wags on the blundering 
 propensities of his countrymen, answered, " By 
 Jasus, if you father all your bulls upon us Irish- 
 men, we often father our calves on vou in re- 
 turn." 
 
 180. — Ix a Debate on the leather-tax, in 
 1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chan- 
 cellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P ) ob- 
 served, with great emphasis, " that, in the prose- 
 cution of the present war, every man ought to 
 give his last guinea to protect the remainder." 
 Mr. Vandelure said, " that however that might 
 be, the tax on leather would be severely felt, by 
 the barefooted peasantry of Ireland." To which 
 
78 JOE MILLER 
 
 Sir Boyle Roache replied, " that this could be 
 easily remedied, by making the under leathers of 
 zvood." 
 
 181. — Louis XIV. had granted a pardon to 
 a nobleman who had committed some very great 
 crime. M. Voisin, the chancellor, ran to him in 
 his closet, and exclaimed, " Sire, you cannot par- 
 don a person in the situation of Mr. ." " I 
 
 have promised him," replied the king, who was 
 ever impatient of contradiction ; " go and fetch 
 the great seal." " But sire " — " Pray, sir, do 
 as I order you." The chancellor returns with the 
 seals ; Louis applies them himself to the instru- 
 ment containing the pardon, and gives them 
 again to the chancellor. " They are polluted 
 now, sire," exclaims the intrepid and excellent 
 magistrate, pushing them from him on the table, 
 " I cannot take them again." " What an im- 
 practicable man ! " cries the monarch, and throws 
 the pardon into the fire. " I will now, sire, take 
 them again," said the chancellor ; " the fire, you 
 know, purifies every thing." 
 
 Morvilliers, keeper of the seals to Charles 
 IX. of France, was one day ordered by his sov- 
 ereign to put the seals to the pardon of a noble- 
 man who had committed murder. He refused. 
 The king then took the seals out of his hands, 
 and having put them himself to the instrument 
 of remission, returned them to Morvilliers; who 
 refused them, saying, " The seals have twice put 
 me in a situation of great honour; once when I 
 received them, and again when I resigned them." 
 
JOE MILLER 79 
 
 182. — The Late Lord Kilwarden, while at- 
 torney general, was retained as counsel for the 
 crown, in prosecuting a gang of robbers for 
 plundering the house of the late Lord O'Neil. 
 The principal witness, a fellow named Pigeon, 
 who was one of the gang, had turned approver; 
 and in answering the questions of the learned at- 
 torney general as to the facts, he said his mo- 
 tive for becoming evidence was, that his com- 
 panions had " cheated him out of his fair 
 whack." — " Your whack? " said the learned bar- 
 rister, " what do you mean by that? " — " Why 
 arn't you up to whack? " says the fellow ; " what 
 a gag you must be ! then it is just the same thing 
 as if you and / were to rob a house together, and 
 you were to cheat me out of my share of the 
 booty." 
 
 183. — The Late Lord Norbury, some time 
 since going as a judge on the Munster circuit, 
 was, as usual, so strict in the administration of 
 criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there 
 were any strong grounds of suspicion, were suf- 
 fered to escape, merely through any slovenly 
 flaws in the wording of their indictments, or 
 doubts upon the testimony. Dining, as usual, 
 with the seniors of the bar, at the next inn, a 
 gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave 
 to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. 
 Lord Norbury replied, " he did not like pickled 
 ►tongue ; but if it had been hung, he would try 
 it." Mr. Curran, who sat on the other side, said, 
 that " the defect was easily obviated ; for, if his 
 
80 JOE MILLER 
 
 lordship would only try it, it would certainly be 
 hung." 
 
 184*. — The Capricious hauteur of genius, in 
 the midst of poverty, has been exemplified on 
 numberless occasions. The late Mr. James 
 Barry, who was the son of a bricklayer at Cork, 
 made his professional debut as a sign-painter in 
 that city ; and afterwards, by the dint of his 
 genius and industry, rose, as we have seen, to 
 high fame in his profession ; and, though he was 
 raised to the dignity of a ro} r al artist, was yet, in 
 his" circumstances, through life, the distressed 
 victim of professional pride and an eccentric 
 temper. On his return from Italy to London, he 
 was sinking under distress, for the want of a 
 patron ; when the late munificent duke of North- 
 umberland, by some accident, discovered his 
 merit, and invited him to dine at Northumber- 
 land-house, purely with the view of rendering 
 him a service, in a manner the most delicate to 
 his feelings. During the repast, the discourse 
 ran upon paintings, and upon the distribution 
 of those hung up in the dinner-room : " How do 
 you approve of the placing of those pictures, 
 Mr. Barry?" said his grace. " Oh ! very well, 
 my lord duke ; but there is a capital place at the 
 bottom, in a side light, which is unoccupied." — 
 " Then I mean that vacancy to be filled," said 
 the duke, " by a production from your pencil, 
 Sir, which I request you will finish ; you shall, 
 choose the subject from fhe History of England; 
 the size and price I will leave to yourself; and I 
 
JOE MILLER 81 
 
 have only to request you will contrive to intro- 
 duce a master of the horse in the grouping, and 
 draw my portrait in that character." The artist 
 departed ; and in the following week his grace 
 repeatedly sent for and called upon him, but he 
 was repeatedly denied. At length the duke, tired 
 of such caprice, sent a letter by a servant to 
 Barry, desiring to speak with him ; but the an- 
 swer returned by the servant was, " Go to the 
 duke, your master, friend, and tell him from 
 me, that, if he wants his portrait painted, he 
 must go to that fellow in Leicester-Fields (the 
 late Sir Joshua Reynolds), for I shall never de- 
 grade my pencil by portrait painting." 
 
 185. — There Happened, when Swift was at 
 Larcone, in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, 
 the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk 
 past during the auction, just as a pen of poultry 
 had been put up. Roger (Swift's clerk) bid for 
 them : he was overbid by a farmer of the name 
 of Hatch. " What, Roger, won't you buy the 
 poultry? " exclaimed Swift. " No, Sir," said 
 Roger, " I see they are just ongoing to Hatch." 
 
 186.— Two Irish Labourers being at the 
 execution of the malefactors on the new scaffold 
 before Newgate, one says to the other, " Arrah, 
 Pat, now ! but is there any difference between be- 
 ing hanged here and being hanged in chains ! " 
 — " No, honey ! " replied he, " no great dif- 
 ference ; only one hangs about, an hour, and the 
 other hangs all the days of his life." 
 
82 JOE MILLER 
 
 187. — Mr. Cumberland, the writer, was 
 asked his opinion of Mr, Sheridan's " School for 
 Scandal." " Faith," said he, " I am quite aston- 
 ished that the town can be so duped ! I went to 
 see his comedy, and never laughed once from be- 
 ginning to end." This being repeated to Sheri- 
 dan, " That's very ungrateful of him," said he, 
 " for I went to see his tragedy t'other night, and 
 did nothing but laugh from beginning to end." 
 
 188. — Ix one of the engagements with the 
 French at Cuddalore, the 101st regiment gave 
 way, and their place was immediately supplied 
 by a battalion of black infantry. A gentleman 
 shortly afterwards, in company with Colonel 
 Kennedy, and conversing on the subject, said 
 he was surprised that they gave way. " And so 
 am I too," said the colonel, " for they were all 
 tried men." — " How can you make that out," 
 says the gentleman, " when they are a new regi- 
 ment? " — "Oh! by my conscience," says the 
 colonel, " they were all tried at the Old Bailey 
 long ago." 
 
 189. — Mr. Sheridan, who had a fund of Irish 
 stories, related one which occurred upon a shoot- 
 ing visit to a gentleman in the county of Tip- 
 perary, who, being unfortunately afflicted with 
 the gout, was unable to accompany him in a 
 day's sport, but recommended as his guide an 
 herdsman about his land, who knew the seat of 
 every hare and the haunt of every covey within 
 ten miles. With this guide the orator set out 
 caparisoned for the field, and was, in the course 
 
JOE MILLER 83 
 
 of the day, led to a dozen coveys and as many 
 hares, but not being so good a shot in the field 
 as in the senate, nothing was brought to bag. 
 His guide, however, perceiving he was a young 
 sportsman, never failed, at every shot, by some 
 compliment in his own way, to encourage the 
 marksman with hopes of better success. At the 
 first fire, while the covey fluttered off in triumph, 
 Pat says, " Pon my shoul, Sir, I'm sure you 
 must have wounded some of them, though they 
 didn't fall." At the next, " By my shoul, they 
 did not fly fair for you, or you would have killed 
 a couple of brace of them." At the third, " Pon 
 my shoul, you knock'd some of their feathers off 
 that time." At length, having exhausted his 
 whole stock of apologies for the ill luck of the 
 sportsman, he concluded with, " Devil burn me, 
 but you made them lave that, any how, Sir." 
 
 190. — Some Years Afterwards, Mr. Sheri- 
 dan was on a visit to the Duke of Bedford, at 
 Woburn, when preparations were making to take 
 the field against the partridges on the first of 
 September. A learned barrister of the party 
 was endeavouring to improve his skill by firing 
 at a mark, which he could never hit, and, in 
 excuse for his bad aim, complained of his dog, 
 which was not well trained, and who, at every 
 moment he was about to fire his piece, always 
 jumped up against the mark, " although," said 
 he, " I thought lie was as sagacious an animal 
 as ever lived." — " Sagacious, indeed," said 
 Mr. Sheridan, " and he has proved it, for I can't 
 
84 JOE MILLER 
 
 conceive he could be any where so safe from 
 your shot, as by flying at the mark you aim at." 
 
 191. — An Irishman and an Englishman fall- 
 ing out, the Hibernian told him if he did not 
 hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable 
 head, and let the brains out of his empty skull ! 
 
 192. — An Irishman having been obliged to 
 live with his master some time in Scotland, when 
 he came back, some of his companions asked how 
 he liked Scotland. " I will tell you now," said he, 
 " I was sick all the while I was there ; and if I 
 had lived there till this time, I had been dead 
 a year ago." 
 
 193. — An Irishman being at a tavern, where 
 the cook w T as dressing some carp, observed some 
 of them move after they were gutted and put 
 into the pan, which much surprised Teague ; said 
 he, " Now of all the Christian creatures I ever 
 saw, this carp will live the longest after it is 
 dead of any fish." 
 
 194. — The Following Advertisement is 
 copied from a Dublin paper. " Notice is here- 
 by given, that the fox cover of Turnant is poi- 
 soned, for the preservation of the game. 20th 
 Aug., 1805." 
 
 195. — An Irishman having a looking glass in 
 his hand shut his eyes, and placed it before his 
 face; another asking him why he did so? " Upon 
 my soul," says Teague, " it is to sec how I look 
 when I am asleep." 
 
J OK MILLER 85 
 
 196. — An Honest, Simple Irishman, a short 
 time ago, landed on one of the quays' at Liver- 
 pool, in search of harvest work. A fellow on 
 the quay, thinking to quiz the poor stranger, 
 asked him, " How long, Pat, have you broke 
 loose from your father's cabin? and how do the 
 potatoes eat now? " The Irish lad, who hap- 
 pened to have a shilalee in his hand, answered, 
 " O, they eat very well, my jewel, would you like 
 to taste the stalk? " and knocking the inquirer 
 down, coolly walked off". 
 
 197. — An Irish Drummer once executing his 
 duty of flogging an Irish recruit, the poor suf- 
 ferer, as is customary in those cases, cried, 
 " Strike high ! strike high ! " The drummer, 
 to oblige his countryman, did as was requested, 
 but the fellow still continuing to roar out, " The 
 d — 1 burn your bellowing," cried rub-a-dub, 
 " there is no plasing you, strike where one will." 
 
 198. — A Physician at Bath was lately com- 
 plaining in a coffee-house in that city, that he 
 had three fine daughters, to whom he should 
 give ten thousand pounds each, and yet that he 
 could find nobody to marry them. " With your 
 lave, doctor," said an Irishman who was present, 
 stepping up and making a very respectful bow, 
 " I'll take two of them ! " 
 
 199. — The Proverb says, " that idleness cov- 
 ers a man with rags." An Irish schoolmaster 
 thought the sentence might be improved : in con- 
 
86 JOE MILLER 
 
 sequence of which, he wrote for his pupil, " Idle- 
 ness covers a man with nakedness." 
 
 200. — When Paddy Blake heard an English 
 gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake 
 of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty 
 times, he very promptly observed, " Poh ! faith 
 that's nothing at all at all, to the echo in my 
 father's garden, in the county of Galway ; there, 
 honey, if you were to say to it, How do you do, 
 Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I 
 thank you, Sir." 
 
 201. — Two Very Honest Gentlemen, who 
 dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, 
 one asked the other, how he could afford to under- 
 sell him every where as he did, when he stole the 
 stuff, and made the brooms himself? — " Why, 
 you silly dog," answered the other, " I steal 
 them ready made." 
 
 202. — Bolivar was on the plains of the 
 Apure, with his troops in a starving condition, 
 and without the means of procuring food for 
 his army, unless he took a circuitous march of 
 many leagues, to which the strength of the men 
 was incompetent, or found means to arrive at the 
 point he wished to gain, by crossing the river 
 Apure, on whose banks, on the opposite side, were 
 plenty of cattle 1 , grazing within sight of the 
 nearly famished troops. The latter could not 
 be accomplished as he had no boats of any de- 
 scription, or timber to construct rafts; but about 
 midway across the river was a fleet of sixty 
 
JOE MILLER 87 
 
 flecheras, which belonged to the enemy, and were 
 well manned and armed. Bolivar stood on the 
 shore, gazing at these in despair, and continued 
 disconsolately parading in front of them, when 
 General Paez, who had been on the look-out, rode 
 up and inquired the cause of his disquietude. 
 His Excellency observed, " I would give the 
 world to have possession of the Spanish flotilla, 
 for without it I can never cross the river, and 
 the troops are unable to march." — " It shall be 
 yours in an hour," replied Paez. — " It is im- 
 possible," said Bolivar, " and the men must all 
 perish." — " Leave that to me," rejoined Paez, 
 and galloped off. In a few minutes he returned, 
 bringing up his guard of honour, consisting of 
 300 lancers selected from the main body of the 
 Llaneros, for their proved bravery and strength, 
 and leading them to the bank, thus briefly ad- 
 dressed them. " We must have these flecheras, 
 or die. Let those follow Tio (uncle) who 
 please : " and at the same moment spurring his 
 horse, dashed into the river and swam towards 
 the flotilla. The guard followed him with their 
 lances in their mouths, now encouraging their 
 horses to bear up against the current, by swim- 
 ming by their sides, and patting their necks, and 
 then shouting to scare away the alligators, of 
 which there were hundreds in the river, till they 
 reached the boats, when, mounting their horses, 
 they sprang from their backs on board them, 
 headed by their leader, and, to the astonishment 
 of those who beheld them from the shore, cap- 
 
88 JOE MILLER 
 
 tured every one of them. To English officers it 
 may apear inconceivable that a body of cavalry, 
 with no other arms than their lances, and no 
 other mode of conveyance across a rapid river, 
 than their horses, should attack and take a fleet 
 of gun-boats amidst shoals of alligators ; but, 
 strange as it may seem, it was actually accom- 
 plished. 
 
 203. — Ix the Gkeat Dispute between South 
 and Sherlock, the latter, who was a great cour- 
 tier, said, " His adversary reasoned well, but he 
 barked like a cur." To which the other replied, 
 " That fawning was the property of a cur as 
 well as barking." 
 
 204. — Ax Arch Boy being at a table where 
 there was a piping hot apple-pie, putting a 
 bit into his mouth, burnt it so that the tears 
 ran down his cheeks. A gentleman that sat by, 
 asked him, why he wept ? " Only," said he, 
 " because it is just come into my remembrance, 
 that my poor grandmother died this day twelve- 
 month."—" Phoo," said the other, " is that all? " 
 So, whipping a large piece into his mouth, he 
 quickly sympathized with the boy ; who seeing 
 his eyes brim full, asked him, with a malicious 
 sneer, why he wept? " A pox on you," said he, 
 " because } t ou were not hanged, }ou young dog, 
 the same day your grandmother died." 
 
 205. — Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so 
 eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicita- 
 tions and compliance at court he got removed 
 

 JOE MILLER 39 
 
 from a poor Welsh bishopric, to a rich English 
 one, a reverend Dean of the church said, that 
 he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with 
 an F. 
 
 206. — A Worthy Old Gentleman in the 
 country having employed an attorney, of whom 
 he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law 
 business for him in London, he was greatly sur- 
 prised, on his coming to town, and demanding 
 his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted 
 to at least three times the sum he expected; the 
 honest attorney assured him, that there was no 
 article in his bill, but what was fair and reason- 
 able. " Nay," said the country gentleman, 
 " there's one of them I am sure cannot be so, for 
 you have set down three shillings and four-pence 
 for going to Southwark, when none of my busi- 
 ness lay that way ; pray, what is the meaning 
 of that, Sir? "— " Oh, Sir," said he, " that was 
 for fetching the chine and turkey from the car- 
 rier's that you sent me for a present out of the 
 country." 
 
 207. — A Gentleman going into a meeting- 
 house, and stumbling over one of the forms that 
 were set there, cried out in a passion, " Who 
 the devil expected set forms in a meeting- 
 house? " 
 
 208. — When George II. in coming from 
 Holland, happened to meet with a violent storm 
 at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the 
 chaplain, " In five minutes more, doctor, we shall 
 
90 JOE MILLER 
 
 be with the Lord." " The Lord forbid," an- 
 swered the doctor. 
 
 209. — A Justice of Peace seeing a parson 
 on a very stately horse, riding between London 
 and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who 
 were with him, " Do you see what a beautiful 
 horse that proud parson has got, I'll banter him a 
 little." " Doctor," said he," " you don't follow 
 the example of your great Master, Avho was 
 humbly content to ride upon an ass." — " Why 
 really, Sir," replied the parson, " the king has 
 made so many asses justices, that an honest 
 clergyman can hardly find one to ride if he had 
 a mind to it." 
 
 210. — A Great Deae of compan}^ being at 
 dinner at a gentleman's house, where a silver 
 spoon was laid at the side of every plate, one of 
 the company watching for a convenient oppor- 
 tunity, as he thought, slid one of them into his 
 pocket ; but being observed more narrowky than 
 he was aware of, the gentleman who sat oppo- 
 site to him, took up another, and stuck it in the 
 button-hole of his bosom ; which the master of 
 the house perceiving, asked him in good humour, 
 "What was his fancy in that? "— " Why," re- 
 plied he, " I thought every man was to have one, 
 because I saw that gentleman, over against me, 
 put one in his pocket." 
 
 211. — A Rich Farmer's Sox, who had been 
 bred at the University, coming home to visit his 
 father and mother, they being one night at 
 
JOE MILLER 91 
 
 supper on a couple of fowls, lie told^them, that 
 by logic and arithmetic, he could prove those 
 two fowls to be three. " Well, let us hear," said 
 the old man. " Why, this," cried the scholar, 
 " is one, and this," continued he, " is two, two 
 and one, you know, make three.'"' — " Since you 
 have made it out so well," answered the old man, 
 " your mother shall have the first fowl, I will 
 have the second, and the third you may keep 
 yourself for your great learning." 
 
 212. — A Gentleman who had a suit in chan- 
 cery, was called upon by his counsel to put in 
 his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. 
 " And why," said the gentleman, " is not my 
 answer put in ? " — " How should I draw your 
 answer," cried the lawyer, " till I know what 
 you can swear? " — " Pox on your scruples," re- 
 plied the client, " pr'ythec, do your part as a 
 lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me 
 alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear 
 to it." 
 
 213. — Ax Honest Welsh Carpenter, com- 
 ing out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, 
 where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his 
 expenses, about twelve shillings ; and with this 
 prodigious sum of money, returning into his 
 own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he 
 looked back on the town : " Ah, poor Pristow," 
 said he, " if one or two more of hur countrymen 
 were 'to give hur such another shake as hur has 
 done, it would be poor Pristow indeed." 
 
92 JOE MILLER 
 
 214. — One Telling Charles XIL, of Swe- 
 den, just before the battle of Narva, that the 
 enemy were three to one : " I am glad to hear 
 it," answered the king, " for then there will be 
 enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and 
 enough to run away." 
 
 215. — A Poor Fellow, who growing rich on 
 a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly con- 
 dition, and taking great state upon him, was 
 met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, 
 who accosted him in a very humble manner, but 
 having no notice taken of him, cried out, " Nay, 
 it is no great wonder that you should not know 
 me, when you have forgot yourself." 
 
 216. — Marcus Livius, who was governor of 
 Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious 
 to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, 
 said one day in open senate, " That it was him- 
 self, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of 
 retaking the city of Tarentum." Fabius said 
 smilingly, " Indeed thou speakest truth, for 
 hadst thou not lost it, I should never have re- 
 taken it." 
 
 217. — Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a 
 Moor, who had been his captive a long time, to 
 Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to 
 purchase horses, and to return by such a time. 
 There was about the king a buffoon, or jester, 
 who had a table-book, wherein he used to register 
 any remarkable absurdity that happened at 
 court. The day the Moor was dispatched to 
 Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at 
 
JOE MILLER 93 
 
 supper, the king called for his table-book, in 
 which t lie jester kept a regular journal of ab- 
 surdities: the king took the book, and read, how 
 Alphonso, king of Naples, had sent Bel tram the 
 Moor, who had been a long time his prisoner, to 
 Morocco, his own country, with so many thou- 
 sand crowns to buy horses. The king turned to 
 the jester, and asked, why he inserted that : " Be- 
 cause," said he, " I think he will never come back 
 to be a prisoner again ; and so you have lost both 
 man and money." — " But, if he does come," says 
 the king, " then } T our jest is marred." — " No, 
 Sir," replies the buffoon, " for if he should re- 
 turn, I will blot out your name, and put in his 
 for a fool." 
 
 218. — Soon after the death of a great officer, 
 who was judged to have been no great advancer 
 of the king's affairs ; the kins; said to his solicitor 
 Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord : " Now 
 Bacon, tell me truly, what say you of your 
 cousin? " Mr. Bacon answered, " Since your 
 majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly 
 with you, and give you such a character of him, 
 as though I were to write his story. I do think 
 he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs 
 better, yet he was fit to have kept them from 
 growing worse," — " O my soul," quoth the king, 
 " in the first thou speakest like a true man ; and 
 in the latter like a kinsman." 
 
 219. — A Young Fellow being told that his 
 mistress was married; to convince him of it, the 
 young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen 
 
94 JOE MILLER 
 
 the bride and bridegroom. " Pr'ythee," said the 
 forsaken swain, "do not call them by those names. 
 I cannot bear to hear them." — " Shall I call 
 them dog and cat? " answered the other. " Oh, 
 no, for heaven's sake," replied the first, " that 
 sounds ten times more like man and wife than 
 t'other." 
 
 220. — A Very Ignorant, but very foppish 
 young fellow, going into a bookseller's shop with 
 a relation, who went thither to buy something he 
 wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular 
 book, and smile, asked him, what there was in 
 that book that made him smile? " Why," an- 
 swered the other, " this book is dedicated to you, 
 cousin Jack." — " Is it so," said he, " pray let 
 me see it, for I never knew before that I had 
 such an honour done to me." Upon which, tak- 
 ing it into his hands, he found it to be Perkins' 
 Catechism, dedicated " to all ignorant persons." 
 
 221. — A Drunken Fellow having sold all 
 his goods, to maintain himself at his pot, except 
 his feather-bed, at last made away with that too ; 
 when being reproved for it by some of his 
 friends ; " Why," said he, " I am very well, 
 thank God, and why should I keep my bed." 
 
 222. — When King Charles I. was in great 
 anxiety about signing the warrant for the earl 
 of Strafford's execution, saying, " it was next 
 to death to part with so able a minister, and so 
 loyal a subject;" a certain favourite of the 
 king's standing by, soon resolved his majesty, 
 

 JOE MILLER 95 
 
 by telling him, " that in such an exigence, a man 
 had better pari with his crutch than his leg." 
 
 223.— A Person having been put to great 
 shifts to get money to support his credit, some 
 of his creditors at length sent him word, that they 
 would give him trouble. " Pox," says he, " I 
 have had trouble enough to borrow the money, 
 and had not need to be troubled to pay it 
 again." 
 
 224. — Count Gondemar, the Spanish am- 
 bassador here, in Queen Elizabeth's time, sent a 
 compliment to the lord St. Alban's, whom he lived 
 in no good terms with, wishing him a " merry 
 Easter." My lord thanked the messenger, and 
 said, he could not requite the count better, than 
 m by wishing him a " good Passover." 
 
 225. — A Lady seeing a tolerable pretty fel- 
 low, who by the help of his tailor and sempstrecs 
 had transformed himself into a beau, said, "What 
 pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no 
 fool, so industrious to pass for an ass." — 
 " Rather," says another, " one should pity those 
 whom nature abuses than those who abuse nature : 
 besides, the town would be robbed of one half 
 of its diversion, if it should become a crime to 
 laugh at a fool." 
 
 226. — An Old Fellow having a great itch 
 after his neighbour's wife, employed her cham- 
 bermaid in the business. At the next meeting he 
 inquired, what answer the lady had sent him? 
 " Answer," said the girl, " why she has sent you 
 
96 JOE MILLER 
 
 this for a token " (giving him a smart slap in 
 the face). " Ay" cried the old fellow, rubbing 
 his chops, " and you have lost none of it by the 
 way: I thank you." 
 
 227. — A Busy Impertinent, entertaining 
 Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious 
 discourse, and observing that he did not much re- 
 gard him, made an apology, that he was afraid 
 he had interrupted him. " No, really," replied 
 the philosopher, " you have not interrupted me 
 at all, for I have not minded one word you said." 
 
 228. — Two Conceited Coxcombs wrangling 
 and exposing one another before company, one 
 told them, that they had both done like Wits: 
 " For you Wits," says he, " never give over, till 
 you prove one another Fools." 
 
 229. — Three Young Conceited Wits, as 
 they thought themselves, passing along the road 
 near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with 
 whom they had a mind to be rudely merry; 
 " Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one : 
 " Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next : 
 " Good-morrow, father Jacob," cried the last. 
 " I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," re- 
 plied the old gentleman, " but Saul, the son of 
 Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and 
 lo ! here I have found them.""^~" 
 
 230. — James the First of England, and 
 sixth of Scotland, though in some degree a man 
 of sense and wit, seems to have been remarkably 
 deficient in the more important talent of steadi- 
 
 ■ .. - % 
 
JOE MILLER 97 
 
 ncss and vigour of mind. It is said he was not 
 unconscious of this defect ; and that he was once 
 told of it in a very curious manner from the 
 pulpit. He heard of a famous preacher, who, 
 according to the fashion of the times, was very 
 witty in his sermons, and peculiarly happy in 
 his choice of texts. James got this person to 
 preach before him ; who, with all suitable gravity, 
 gave out his text in the following words — 
 " James /. and VI. , in the latter part of the 
 verse. ' He that wavcreth is like a wave of the 
 sea, driven by the winds and tossed.' " — " God's 
 chickens ! " whispered the king, " he is at me 
 already ! " The preacher went on, and trimmed 
 the king soundly. The text is genuine, and the 
 application of it witty, even independently of 
 the pun, which seems so well suited to the taste 
 of the times of " James I. and VI." 
 
 231. — A Simple Bumpkin, coming to Lon- 
 don, was very much taken with the sight of a 
 chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chair- 
 men to carry him to a place he named. The 
 chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown 
 to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, pri- 
 vately took out the bottom of the chair, and 
 then put him into it, which, when they took up, 
 the countryman's feet were upon the ground, 
 and as the chairmen advanced, so did he ; and to 
 make the better sport, if any place was dirtier 
 in the way than the rest, that they chose to go 
 through ; the countryman not knowing but others 
 used to be carried, or rather driven in the same 
 
98 JOE MILLER 
 
 manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their 
 demand : returning into the country, he related 
 what rare tilings he had seen in London, and 
 withal, that he had been carried in a sedan. 
 "Sedan!" quoth one, "What is that? "— 
 ' ; Why," said he, " like our watchhouse, only it 
 is covered with leather; but were it not for the 
 name of a sedan, a man might as well walk on 
 foot." 
 
 232. — A Youth standing by whilst his father 
 was at play, observing him to lose a great deal 
 of money, burst into tears ; his father asked him 
 the reason why he wept? " Oh, Sir, I have heard 
 that Alexander the Great wept when he heard his 
 father Philip had conquered a great many towns, 
 cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave 
 him nothing to win ; but I wept the contrary 
 way, fearing that you will leave me nothing to 
 lose." 
 
 233. — The Famous Mr. Amner g oni g 
 through a street in Windsor, two boys looked 
 out of a one pair of stairs window, and cried, 
 " There goes Mr. Amner that makes so many 
 bulls." He hearing them, looked up, saying, 
 " You rascals, I know you well enough, and if 
 I had you here I'd kick you down stairs." 
 
 234. — The Same Gentleman crossing the 
 water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man 
 of the ferry being from home, his wife did his 
 office, and not putting in the boat just at the 
 landing place, Mr. Amner at his landing sunk 
 

 JOE MILLER 99 
 
 into the mud over his shoes, and going a little 
 farther he met with a friend, who asked, how he 
 came so dirty ; " 'Fore God," replied Mr. Amner, 
 " no man was ever so abused as I have been, for, 
 coming over Datchet Ferry, a scurvy woman 
 waterman put over the boat, and landed me clean 
 in the mire." 
 
 235. — In Flanders, a tyler accidentally fell 
 from the top of a house, upon a Spaniard, and 
 killed him, though he escaped himself. The next 
 of the blood prosecuted his death with great 
 violence against the tyler; and when he was of- 
 fered pecuniary recompense, nothing would serve 
 him but Lex Talionis. Whereupon the judge 
 said unto him, That if he did urge that kind of 
 sentence, it must be, that he should go up to 
 the top of the same house, and from thence fall 
 down upon the tyler. 
 
 236. — A Young Italian Gentleman being 
 led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived 
 some time conversing with the most ingenious, 
 was one day set upon by a Protestant minister, 
 who would needs engage him in a controversy 
 about religion. The young gentleman, knowing 
 himself too weak for the encounter, begged his 
 diversion, and endeavoured to 'wave the discourse ; 
 but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was 
 he pressed by the minister ; whereupon the young 
 Italian, in a very great passion, conjured him 
 by all that is good, to let him alone in peace with 
 his religion ; " For," said he, " I cannot embrace 
 
 L.oFC. 
 
100 JOE MILLER 
 
 yours, and if you make me lose my own, I will 
 never make choice of any other." 
 
 237. — A Certain Duchess, in a late reign, 
 hearing that a man in a high office, which gave 
 him an opportunity of handling much cash, had 
 married his kept mistress ; " Good Lord," said 
 she, " that old fellow is always robbing the 
 public." 
 
 238. — Queen Elizabeth being much enraged 
 against Dr. Hayward, author of the Life of 
 Henry the Fourth, had ordered her law officers 
 to proceed against him; and, amongst others, 
 inquired of Bacon, if there was not treason in 
 the book? the witty lawyer readily answered — 
 " No, madam, I cannot answer for there being 
 treason in it, but I am certain it contains much 
 felony." — " How," eagerly exclaimed her ma- 
 jesty, " how r , and wherein? " — " In many pas- 
 sages," replied he, "which he has* stolen from 
 Tacitus." 
 
 239. — Dr. Hickringae, who w T as one of King 
 Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he 
 preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him 
 of his faults, and to scold him from the pulpit 
 very severely. One day his majesty walking in 
 the Mall, observed the doctor beside him, and sent 
 to speak to him : when he came, " Doctor," says 
 the king, " what have I done to you that you are 
 always quarrelling with me? " — " I hope your 
 majesty is not angry with me," quoth the doctor, 
 " for telling the truth."—" No, no," says the 
 
JOE MILLER 101 
 
 kino-, " but I would have us for the future be 
 friends."—" Well, well," quoth the doctor, " I 
 will make it up with your majesty on these terms, 
 as you mend I'll mend." 
 
 240. — Tom Clarke of St. John's desired a 
 Fellow of the same college to lend him Bishop 
 Burnet's History of the Reformation ; the other 
 told him, he could not spare it out of his chamber, 
 but if he pleased, he might come there and read 
 in it all day long: some time after the same gen- 
 tleman sends to Tom to borrow his bellows ; Tom 
 sent him word, that he could not possibly spare 
 them out of his chamber, but he might come there 
 and use them all day long if he would. 
 
 241. — A Brave Dutch Captain being com- 
 manded by his colonel to go on a dangerous ex- 
 ploit against the French, with forces that were 
 unlikely to achieve the enterprise, the captain 
 advised his colonel to send but half so many men : 
 " Why so? " said the colonel, " to send but half 
 so many men? " — " Because," replied the cap- 
 tain, " they are enough to be knocked on the 
 head." 
 
 242. — King Charles II. on a certain time 
 paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the Doctor is said 
 to have strutted through his school with his hat 
 upon his head, while his Majesty w T alked com- 
 plaisantly behind him, with his hat under his 
 arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the 
 door, the Doctor, with great humility, thus ad- 
 dressed himself: " Sir, I hope your Majesty will 
 
102 JOE MILLER 
 
 excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my 
 boys were to imagine there was a greater man 
 in the kingdom than myself, I should never be 
 able to rule them." 
 
 243. — Oxe of Kixg James the First's chap- 
 lains preaching before the court at Whitehall, 
 made use of the following quibbles in his dis- 
 course. Speaking of the depravity of the age, 
 " almost all houses," he said, " were made ale- 
 houses ; that men made matrimony a matter of 
 money ; and placed their paradise in a pair of 
 dice: Was it so in the days of Noah? Ah, 
 no." 
 
 244. — Several Press-gangs infesting the 
 streets of the city and suburbs, one of which 
 giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had 
 just staggered from a tavern, into the middle of 
 them : he said pleasantly enough, " God bless his 
 majesty's arms ! But, as to the supporters, they 
 are beasts." 
 
 245. — Mr. Prior, when ambassador, being at 
 one of the French operas at Paris, and seated in 
 a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, 
 as usual in France, sung louder than the per- 
 former, burst into bitter invectives against the 
 last ; upon which his lordship gave over, to in- 
 quire the reason, adding, that the person he ex- 
 claimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest 
 voices they had. " Yes," replies his excellency, 
 " but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can't 
 have the pleasure to hear your lordship." 
 
JOE MILLER 103 
 
 246. — A Living of 5001. per annum falling in 
 the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir 
 Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends 
 as very deserving of the benefice, whom his lord- 
 ship approved of. In the interim, the curate, 
 who had served the last incumbent many years 
 for poor SOI. per annum, came up with a peti- 
 tion, signed by many of the inhabitants, testify- 
 ing his good behaviour, setting forth, that he 
 had a wife and seven children to maintain, and 
 begging his lordship would stand his friend, that 
 he might be continued in his curacy ; and, in 
 consideration of his large family, if he could 
 prevail with the next incumbent to add 101. a 
 year, he should for ever pray. His lordship, ac- 
 cording to his usual goodness, promised to use 
 his utmost endeavours to serve him ; and the rev- 
 erend gentleman, for whom the living was de- 
 signed, coming soon after to pay his respects, 
 my lord told him the affair of the curate, with 
 this difference only, that he should allow him 60/. 
 a year instead of SOI. The parson, in some con- 
 fusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not 
 grant his request, for that he had promised the 
 curacy to another, and could not go back from 
 his word. " How ! " says my lord, " have you 
 promised the curacy, before you were possessed 
 of the living? Well, to keep your word with 
 your friend, if you please, I'll give him the cur- 
 acy, but the living, I assure you, I'll give to 
 another : " and saying this he left him. The 
 next day the poor curate coming to know his 
 
104 JOE MILLER 
 
 destiny, my lord told him, that he had used his 
 endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but 
 with no success, the reverend gentleman having 
 disposed of it before. The curate, with a deep 
 sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his good- 
 ness, and was going to withdraw ; when my lord 
 calling him back, said, with a smile, " Well, my 
 friend, 'tis true, I have it not in my power to 
 give you the curacy ; but if you will accept of 
 the living, 'tis at your service." The curate al- 
 most surprised to death with joy, in the most 
 moving expressions of gratitude, returned his 
 lordship thanks, whose goodness had in a mo- 
 ment raised him and his family from a necessitous 
 condition, to a comfortable state of life. 
 
 247. — The Said Noble Lord, when he was 
 
 under the tuition of the Reverend , who 
 
 used to call him his little chancellor, one day re- 
 plied, that when he was so, he would give him a 
 good living. One happening to fall soon after 
 he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and 
 ordered the presentation to be filled up for his 
 old master, who soon after came to his lordship, 
 to remind him of his promise, and to ask him for 
 this living. " Why really," said my lord, " I 
 wish you had come a day sooner, but I have given 
 it away already; and when you see to whom, I 
 dare say you will not think me to blame." So 
 putting the presentation into his hands, he 
 convinced him that he had not forgot his 
 promise. 
 
JOE MILLER 105 
 
 248. — King Charles II., after the Restor-* 
 ation, told Waller the poet, that he had made 
 better verses, and said finer things of Cromwell 
 than of him. " That may very well be,'.' replied 
 Waller, " for poets generally succeed better in 
 fiction than in truth." 
 
 249. — An Honest Highlander, walking 
 along Holborn, heard a voice cry, " Rogue, Scot ; 
 Rogue, Scot : " his northern blood fired at the 
 insult; he drew his broad sword, looking round 
 him on every side, to discover the object of his 
 indignation ; at last he found that it came from 
 a parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach; 
 but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his 
 trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up 
 his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, " Gin 
 ye were a man, as ye're a green geuse, I would 
 split your weem." 
 
 250. — A Ploughman seeing the Archbishop 
 of Cologne go by, attended by a great many 
 soldiers, laughed ; the archbishop pressed him to 
 know the reason : " It is because I wonder," said 
 the ploughman, " to see an archbishop armed, 
 and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, 
 like a general of an army." — " Friend," replied 
 the archbishop, " in my church I perform the 
 part of an archbishop with my clergy ; but in 
 the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my 
 soldiers." — " I understand you, my lord," an- 
 swered the peasant : " but pray tell me, when my 
 
1C6 JOE MILLER 
 
 tord duke goes to the devil, what will then be- 
 come of my lord archbishop? " 
 
 251. — In a Visit Queen Elizabeth made to Sir 
 Nicholas Bacon, at a small country-seat, which 
 he had built for himself before his preferment; 
 she asked him, how it came that he had made 
 himself so small a house? " It is not I, Madam," 
 answered he, " who have made my house too small 
 for myself, but your majesty, who have made me 
 too big for my house." 
 
 252. — It Was a Fixe Saying of my Lord 
 Russell, who was beheaded in the reign of King 
 Charles II. when on the scaffold, he delivered 
 his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards 
 bishop of Salisbury : " Here, Sir," said he, " take 
 this, it shows time ; I am going into eternity, and 
 shall have no longer any need of it." 
 
 253. — Ax Ordinary Couxtry Fellow being 
 called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in 
 a cause where the terms of mortgager and mort- 
 gagee were frequently used, the judge asked the 
 countryman if he knew the difference between 
 the mortgager and the mortgagee: " Yes," said 
 he, " it is the same as between the nodder and 
 noddee." — "How is that?" replied the judge. 
 — " Why, you sit there, my lord," said the clown, 
 " and I nod at you ; then I am the nodder, and 
 your lordship is the noddee." 
 
 254. — Queen Elizabeth having taken notice 
 of the Duke de Villa Medina's gallant behaviour 
 at a tournament, told him one day, that she 
 

 JOE MILLER 107 
 
 would absolutely know who his mistress was : Villa 
 Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yield- 
 ing to her curiosity, he promised to send her her 
 picture. The next morning he sent her majesty 
 a packet; wherein the queen finding nothing but 
 a small looking-glass, presently understood the 
 Spaniard's meaning. It must needs be confessed,, 
 that this was a very ingenious contrivance ; and 
 there's no question, but this great and witty 
 princess, who was so well pleased to be accounted 
 beautiful, was well enough satisfied with this 
 dumb declaration of love. 
 
 255.— A Dyer, in a court of justice, being 
 ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black ; 
 " Take off your glove, friend," said the judge 
 to him. — " Put on your spectacles, my lord," 
 answered the dyer. 
 
 256. — A Certain Captain, who had made a 
 greater figure than his fortune could well bear, 
 and the regiment not being paid as was ex- 
 pected, was forced to put off a great part of 
 his equipage ; a few days after, as he was walk- 
 ing by the road-side, he saw one of his soldiers 
 sitting lousing himself under a hedge : " What 
 are you doing there, Tom ; " said the officer. — 
 " Why, faith, Sir," answered the soldier, " I am 
 following your example, getting rid of part of 
 my retinue." 
 
 257. — Admiral Chatillon being on a holi- 
 day gone to hear mass in the Dominican Friars' 
 chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just 
 
108 JOE MILLER 
 
 as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt 
 in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of 
 gold, without counting them, or minding what 
 they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the 
 beggar's eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M. 
 Chatillon was going out of the churchdoor, where 
 the poor man waited for him ; " Sir," said he, 
 showing him what he had given him, " I cannot 
 tell whether you intended to give me so large a 
 sum ; if not, I am very ready to return it." The 
 admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man, 
 said, " I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to 
 have given you so much ; but, since you have the 
 generosity to offer to return it, I will have the 
 generosity to desire you to keep it, and there 
 are five pieces more for you." 
 
 258. — A Gascon Officer, who had served 
 under Henry IV. king of France, and not having 
 received any pay for a considerable time, came 
 to the king, and confidently said to him, " Sir, 
 three words with your majesty, Money or dis- 
 charge." — " Four with you," answered his ma- 
 jesty, " Neither one, nor t'other." 
 
 259. — A Certain Italian having wrote a 
 book upon the Art of making Gold, dedicated 
 it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward. 
 His holiness finding the man constantly followed 
 him, at length gave him a large empty purse, 
 saying, " Sir, since you know how to make gold, 
 you can have no need of any thing but a purse 
 to put it in." 
 
JOE MILLER 109 
 
 260. — A Countryman seeing a lady in the 
 street in a very odd dress, as he thought, begged 
 her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. 
 The lady, a little surprised at the question, called 
 him an impertinent fellow. " Nay, I hope no 
 offence, madam," cried Hodge, " I am a poor 
 countryman, just going out of town, and my wife 
 always expects I should bring her an account of 
 the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquir- 
 ing what you call this that you wear." — " It is 
 a sack," said she, in a great pet. — " I have 
 heard," replied the countryman, (heartily nettled 
 at her behaviour) " of a pig in a poke, but 
 never saw a sow in a sack before." 
 
 261. — Of all the disinterested professors I 
 have ever heard of, I take the Boatswain of 
 Dampier's ship to be the most impudent, but the 
 most excusable. You are to know, that in the 
 wild researches that navigator was making, they 
 happened to be out at sea, far distant from any 
 shore, in want of all the necessaries of life ; in- 
 somuch, that they began to look, not without 
 hunger, on each other. The boatswain was a 
 fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes 
 of the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity, 
 all forms of superiority were laid aside. The 
 captain and lieutenant were safe only by being 
 carrion ; and the unhappy boatswain in danger 
 only by being worth eating. To be short, the 
 company were unanimous, and the boatswain 
 must be cut up. He saw their intention, and 
 desired he might speak a few words before they 
 
110 JOE MILLER 
 
 proceeded ; which being permitted, he delivered 
 himself as follows : " Gentlemen sailors, far be 
 it that I should speak it for any private interest 
 of my own, but I take it, that I should not die 
 with a good conscience, if I did not confess to 
 you that I am not sound. I say, gentlemen, jus- 
 tice, and the testimony of a good conscience, as 
 well as love of my country, to which I hope you 
 will all return, oblige me to own, that black 
 Kate of Deptford has made me very unfit to 
 eat ; and I speak it with shame, I am afraid, gen- 
 tlemen, I shall poison you." — The speech had a 
 good effect in the boatswain's favour ; but the 
 surgeon of the ship protested he had cured him 
 very well, and offered to eat the first steak him- 
 self. The boatswain replied, (like an orator, 
 with a true notion of the people, and in hopes 
 to gain time) that he was heartily glad if he 
 could be for their service, and thanked the sur- 
 geon for his information : " However," said he, 
 " I must inform you for your own good, that I 
 have ever since my cure, been very thirsty and 
 dropsical ; therefore I presume it will be much 
 better to tap me, and drink me off, than eat 
 me at once, and have no man in the ship fit to 
 be drank afterwards." As he was going on with 
 his harangue, a fresh gale arose, and gave the 
 crew hopes of a better repast at the nearest shore, 
 to which they arrived next morning. 
 
 262. — A Proud Parson, and his man, riding 
 over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, 
 and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, 
 
JOE MILLER 111 
 
 in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat ; " the 
 same," said the shepherd, " that clothed you — the 
 parish." The parson, nettled at this, rode on, 
 murmuring, a little way, and then bade his man 
 go back, and ask the shepherd if he'd come and 
 live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man 
 going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his 
 master's message, and concluded, as he was or- 
 dered, that his master wanted a fool. " Why, 
 are you going away then," said the shepherd. 
 " No," answered the other. " Then you may tell 
 your master," replied the shepherd, " his living 
 can't maintain three of us." 
 
 263. — A Nobleman having presented King 
 Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade 
 Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age, 
 whereupon Killigrew goes and examines the tail : 
 " What are you doing? " said the king, " this 
 is not the place to find out his age." — " O ! Sir," 
 said Killigrew, " your majesty knows one should 
 never look a gift horse in the mouth." 
 
 264. — A Young Man, who was a very great 
 talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be 
 taught by him; Isocrates asked double the price 
 that his other scholars gave him ; " and the rea- 
 son," said he, " is, that I must teach thee two 
 sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy 
 tongue." 
 
 265. — A Scholar of Dr. Busby's coming 
 into a parlour where the doctor had laid down a 
 fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, takes it 
 
112 JOE MILLER 
 
 up, and says aloud, " I publish the banns be- 
 tween these grapes and my mouth; if anyone 
 knows any just cause or impediment why these 
 two should not be joined together, let them de- 
 clare it." The doctor being but in the next 
 room, overheard all that was said, and coming 
 into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten 
 his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, 
 horsed on another boy's back, but before he pro- 
 ceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, 
 as the delinquent had done ; " I publish the 
 banns between my rod and this boy's breech, if 
 anyone knows anj^ just cause or impediment why 
 these two should not be joined together, let them 
 declare it." — " I forbid the banns," cried the 
 boy. " Why so? " said the doctor. " Because 
 the parties are not agreed," replied the boy. 
 Which answer so pleased the doctor, who loved 
 to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that 
 he ordered the boy to be set down. 
 
 266. — Some Gentlemen being at a tavern 
 together, for want of better diversion, one pro- 
 posed play : " But," said another of the com- 
 pany, " I have fourteen good reasons against 
 gaming." — " What are those? " said another. — 
 " In the first place," answered he, " I have no 
 money."—" Oh ! " said the first, " if you had 
 four hundred reasons, }^ou need not name an- 
 other." 
 
 267. — A Young Feleow, not quite so wise as 
 Solomon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of 
 

 JOE MILLER 113 
 
 mites, one night at the tavern, " Now," said he, 
 " have I done as much as Samson, for I have 
 slain my thousands and my ten thousands." — 
 " Yes," answered one of the company, " and with 
 the same weapon too, the jawbone of an ass." 
 
 268. — When the late Duke of went over 
 
 lord-lieutenant of Ireland, he took an excellent 
 man cook over with him, but they had not been 
 there above a month, than, finding his grace 
 kept a very scurvy house, he gave him warning. 
 " What's the reason," said the duke, " that you 
 have a mind to leave me? " — " Why, if I con- 
 tinue with your excellency much longer," an- 
 swered the cook, " I shall quite forget my 
 trade." 
 
 269. — Poor Joe Miller going one day along 
 the Strand, an impudent Derby captain came 
 swaggering up to him, and thrust between him 
 and the wall. " I don't use to give the wall," 
 said he, " to every jackanapes." — " But I do," 
 said Joe, and so made way for him. 
 
 270. — A Certain Officer in the Guards tell- 
 ing one night, in company with Joe Miller, of 
 several wonderful things he had seen abroad, 
 among the rest he told the company, he had seen 
 a pike caught that was six feet long. " That's 
 a trifle," said Joe, " I have seen a half pike, in 
 England, longer by a foot, and yet not worth 
 two-pence." 
 
 271. — A Gentleman having a servant with a 
 very thick skull, used often to call him the king 
 
114 JOE MILLER 
 
 of fools. " I wish," said the fellow one day, 
 " you could make your words good, I should 
 then be the greatest monarch in the world." 
 
 272. — A Lawyer being sick, made his last 
 will, and gave all his estate to fools and mad- 
 men: being asked the reason for so doing; 
 " From such," said he, " I had it, and to such 
 I give it again." 
 
 273. — A Thief being brought to Tyburn to 
 be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking 
 his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry 
 for having committed the robbery for which he 
 was going- to suffer? The criminal answered, 
 " Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having 
 stole enough to bribe the jury." 
 
 274. — A Certain Poor Unfortunate Gen- 
 tleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the 
 bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension 
 of them, and going one day through Tavistock 
 Street, his coat sleeve, as he was swinging it 
 along in a hurry, happened to hitch upon the 
 iron spike of one of the rails ; whereupon he im- 
 mediately turned about, in a great surprise, and 
 cried out, " At whose suit, Sir? at whose suit? " 
 
 275. — Jemmy Spieler, another of the jocose 
 comedians, going one day through Rag-Fair, 
 a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheap- 
 ened a leg of mutton, he saw hang up there, at 
 a butcher's stall. The butcher told him it was 
 a groat a pound. " Are you not an unconscion- 
 able fellow," said Spillcr, " to ask such a price, 
 
JOE MILLER 115 
 
 when one may buy a new one for that in Clare 
 Market." 
 
 276. — A Soldier in the late wars, a little be- 
 fore an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and 
 stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat 
 of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon 
 that part. "Well," said he, "I find a little 
 armour will serve a turn, if it be but put in the 
 right place." 
 
 277. — A Late Archbishop having promised 
 one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the 
 first good living in his gift, that he should like, 
 and think worthy his acceptance: soon after 
 hearing of the death of an old rector, whose par- 
 sonage was worth about 300L a year, sent his 
 chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the 
 doctor, when he came back again, thanked his 
 grace for the offer he had made him; but said, 
 he had met with such an account of the country, 
 and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agree- 
 able to him, and therefore should be glad, if his 
 grace pleased, to wait till something else fell: 
 another vacancy not long after happening, the 
 archbishop sent him also to view that; but he 
 returned as before, not satisfied with it, which 
 did not much please his grace: a third living 
 much better than either of the other becoming 
 vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was again 
 sent to take a view of that; and when he came 
 back, " Well, now," said my lord, " how do you 
 like this living? What objection can you have 
 
116 JOE MILLER 
 
 to this?" — "I like the country very well, my 
 lord," answered he, " and the house, the income, 
 
 and the neighbourhood, but ." " But! " 
 
 replied the archbishop, " what but can there be 
 then? " " But, my lord," said he, " the old in- 
 cumbent is not dead, I found him smoking his 
 pipe at the gate of his house." 
 
 278. — Two City Ladies meeting at a visit, 
 one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheese- 
 monger's (who perhaps stood more upon the 
 punctilio of precedence, than some of their bet- 
 ters would have done at the court end of the 
 town),, when they had risen up and took their 
 leaves, the cheesemonger's wife was going out 
 of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, 
 pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and 
 stepping before her, " No, Madam," said she, 
 " nothing comes after cheese." 
 
 279. — Young Griffith Lloyd of the county 
 of Cardigan, being sent to Jesus-College in the 
 University of Oxford, where he was looked upon 
 as an errant-dunce, had a calf-skin waistcoat, 
 tann'd with the hair on, and trimm'd with a 
 broad gold-lace, and gold buttons. One of the 
 Oxonians, an eminent punster, said, that Griffith 
 was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin and gilt, 
 but very ill lettered. 
 
 280. — The Famous Tony Lee, a player in 
 King Charles the Second's reign, being killed 
 in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not 
 forbear, coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, 
 
JOE MILLER 117 
 
 which occasioning a good deal of laughing and 
 
 noise in the house, he lifted up his head, and 
 speaking to the audience, said, " This makes 
 good what my poor mother used to tell me ; for 
 she would often say that / should cough in my 
 grave, because I used to drink in my Porridge.'' 
 This set the house in such good humour, that it 
 produced a thundering clap, and made everyone 
 very readily pardon the solecism he had before 
 committed. 
 
 281.— Tom S , the organist of St. M , 
 
 being reckoned to have a fine finger, drew many 
 people to hear him, whom he would oftentimes 
 entertain with a voluntary after evening service, 
 and his auditory seeming one day greatly de- 
 lighted with his performance, after the church 
 was cleared, " Adad, Sir," said his organ-blower, 
 " I think we did rarely to-day." — " We, sirrah," 
 said Tom. — " Ay, we, to be sure," answered the 
 other :" What would you have done without me?" 
 The next Sunday Tom sitting down to play, 
 could not make his organ speak, whereupon call- 
 ing to the bellows-blower, asked him what he 
 meant? Why he did not blow? " Shall it be 
 we then ? " said the other. Which Tom was forced 
 to consent to, or there had been no music. 
 
 282. — A Certain French Gentleman, hav- 
 ing been but a very little while in England, was 
 invited to a friend's house, where a large bowl 
 of punch was made, a liquor he had never seen 
 before, and which did not at all agree with him ; 
 
118 JOE MILLER 
 
 but having forgot the name of it, he asked a 
 person the next day, " What dey call a dat 
 liqueur in England, which is all de contradiction ; 
 where is de brandy to make it strong, and de 
 vater to make it small, de sugre to make it sweet, 
 and de lemons to make it sower? " — " Punch," 
 answered the other, " I suppose you mean." — ■ 
 " Ay, Ponche, begar," cried Monsieur, " it al- 
 most ponche my brain out last night." 
 
 283. — A Philosopher being blamed by a 
 standerby, for defending an argument weakly 
 against the Emperor Adrian, replied, " What, 
 would you have me contend with a man that com- 
 mands thirty legions of soldiers." 
 
 284. — Bishop Latimer preaching at court, 
 said, that it was reported the king was poor, 
 and that they were seeking ways and means to 
 make him rich ; but he added, " For my part, I 
 think the best way to make the king rich, is to 
 give him a good post, or office, for all his officers 
 are rich." 
 
 285. — Zelim, the first of the Ottoman em- 
 perors that shaved his beard, his predecessors 
 having always worn it long, being asked by one 
 of his bashaws, why he altered the custom of his 
 predecessors? answered, "Because you bashaws 
 shall not lead me by the beard as you did them." 
 
 286. — It Being Toed Antigonus, in order to 
 intimidate him, as he marched to the field of 
 battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys 
 of arrows as would intercept the light of the 
 
JOE MILLER 119 
 
 sun : " I am glad of it," replied he, " for it being 
 very hot, we shall then fight in the shade." 
 
 287. — An Irish Gentleman gave orders for 
 a pair of boots ; and when his measure was taken, 
 he observed to the boot-maker, that as one of 
 his legs was bigger than the other, the boots 
 must be made accordingly ; when they were 
 brought home he put the big boot on the small 
 leg, and after trying in vain the small boot on 
 the big leg, he exclaimed, " Oh, you thief of 
 the world, I ordered you to make one boot bigger 
 than the other, and instead of this you have made 
 one smaller than the other." 
 
 288. — Sir John Stuart Hamilton, a man 
 of great pleasantry, w T as colonel of the carabineer 
 regiment, composed of his countrymen, in the 
 German war; and one morning, when the allied 
 troops were drawn out against the enemy in 
 order of battle, the carabineers w r ith some other 
 cavalry corps were posted upon the right wing, 
 opposite to a strong body of French hussars at 
 a considerable distance upon the enemy's left. 
 The commanders of the corps associated with 
 those of Sir John, advanced in the front of their 
 regiments, were haranguing their men to con- 
 ciliate all piques against their officers, and ex- 
 horting them to coolness, valour, and strict dis- 
 cipline, for the honour of their country in the 
 approaching engagement. When they had fin- 
 ished their speeches, Sir John advanced in the 
 front of his own regiment, and addressed them 
 
120 JOE MILLER 
 
 with, " Good-morrow, my lads, how stand your 
 stomachs for fighting this morning? " — " Keen 
 enough, colonel," answered several of the brave 
 fellows. — " Then I can tell you, my lads, for 
 your comfort, that you'll have a belly-full of it 
 before night. But hark ye ! I see it is the 
 fashion to make fine speeches here ; I think few 
 words amongst friends are best. Do you see 
 them fellows yonder? " pointing to the French 
 cavalry. — " We do," answered the soldiers. — 
 " Then," said the commander, " I have only to 
 tell you, that if you don't kill them, they'll kill 
 you : so a word to the wise is enough." The gal- 
 lant regiment took the hint, and covered them- 
 selves with glory during the action. 
 
 289. — Sir John, who had severely suffered in 
 person and circumstances from the persecutions 
 of the law, used to say, that an attorney was 
 like a hedge-hog, for it was impossible to touch 
 him anywhere without pricking one's fingers. 
 
 290. — The Same Witty Baronet, lounging 
 one day in Dalby's chocolate-house, when, after 
 a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain : a 
 country gentleman observed, " This is a most de- 
 lightful rain : I hope it will bring up everything 
 out of the ground." — " By Jove, Sir," said Sir 
 John, " I hope not ; for I have sowed three wives 
 in it, and I should be very sorry to see them 
 come up again." 
 
 291. — Sir John being balloted on an elec- 
 tion committee, was a good deal embarrassed, 
 
JOE MILLER 121 
 
 sitting day after day, without any prospect of 
 a termination, as the counsel on both sides 
 wrangled upon every tittle of evidence, and dis- 
 puted upon points of law that were continually 
 arising. At length the baronet addressed the 
 counsel, " Gentlemen, I've got such a dose of 
 law that I am completely surfeited. Can't you 
 go through the evidence, and reserve those law 
 points for some wet day, when we may hear you 
 argue them fairly." — " For the honour of the 
 profession," answered Counsellor Hockett, " God 
 forbid, Sir John, that there was any point could 
 arise on which two lawyers would not agree in 
 opinion." 
 
 293. — A Lady observing in company, how 
 glorious and useful a body the sun was, — " Why, 
 yes, madam," said an Irish gentleman present, 
 " the sun is a very fine body, to be sure ; but, 
 in my opinion, the moon is much more usef ul ; 
 for the moon affords us light in the night-time, 
 when we really want it ; whereas we have the 
 sun with us in the day-time, when w r e have no oc- 
 casion for it." 
 
 293. — Shortly after the last memorable vic- 
 tory of Lord Rodney, on the 12th of April, 1782, 
 the following British bulls in a London newspa- 
 per, excited considerable mirth amongst the wags 
 in Ireland, who observed, that although the Eng- 
 lish are great bunglers in making bulls for Irish- 
 men, they are sometimes good hands at making 
 blunders of their own. The Ville de Paris, of 
 
122 JOE MILLER 
 
 110 guns, taken in Lord Rodney's engagement 
 with the French, on the 12th of April, and lost 
 in coming home from the West Indies, is to be 
 rebuilt at Chatham, and the Foudroyant, of 80 
 guns, broken up last year, is to be rebuilt 
 at Plymouth, in order to perpetuate their 
 names. 
 
 29-L — A Judge, on passing sentence of death 
 upon an Irishman, said as usual, " I have nothing 
 now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of 
 the law upon you." — " Oh, don't trouble your- 
 self on my account," interrupted Pat. — " I must 
 do nry duty," resumed the judge. " You must 
 go from hence to the place of execution, where 
 you are to be hanged by }T>ur neck till you are 
 dead : and the Lord have mercy on your soul ! " 
 — " I am much obliged to you," says the pris- 
 oner, " but I never heard of anyone thriving 
 after your prayers.'" 
 
 295. — Ax Irish Officer, after having read 
 the accounts of Bonaparte's death, said, " This 
 rebel thief has had as many lives as one Plutarch 
 that I read when I was at school ; and has cost 
 the gipsies as man} r floggings as Plutarch cost 
 me." 
 
 296. — A Quaker, that was a barber, being 
 sued by the parson for tithes, Yea and Nay went 
 to him, and demanded the reason why he troubled 
 him, as he had never any dealing with him in his 
 whole life ; " Why," sa}'s the parson, " it is for 
 tithes."—" For tithes," says the quaker, " I 
 
JOE MILLER 123 
 
 pr'ythee friend upon what account? " — " Why," 
 says the parson, " for preaching in the church." 
 — " Alas, then," replied the quaker, " I have 
 nothing to pay thee; for I come not there." — 
 " Oh, but you might," says the parson, " for the 
 doors are always open at convenient times ; " and 
 thereupon said he would be paid, seeing it was 
 his due. Yea and Nay hereupon shook his head, 
 and making several wry faces, departed, and im- 
 mediately entered his action (it being a corpora- 
 tion town) against the parson for forty shillings. 
 The parson, upon notice of this, came to him, 
 and very hotly demanded, why he put such dis- 
 grace upon him ; and for what he owed him the 
 money? " Truly, friend," replied the quaker, 
 " for trimming." — " For trimming? " said the 
 parson, " why I was never trimmed by you in my 
 life." — " Oh ! but thou mightest have come and 
 been trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my doors 
 are always open at convenient times, as well as 
 thine." 
 
 297. — Specimen of Cockney diction, tran- 
 scribed from the original, stuck up in a window 
 on Ludgate Hill, in 1789: 
 
 " To be seen hear, the 20 third of this month, 
 the King, and his Crown, and Dig Nighty, in a 
 percession to Sint Pals' Church. — Front Parlore, 
 9s. 6d. dining rome, 5s. two pare stares, 4s. gar- 
 ret, 1 s. gutter, 6d. N. B. I vont heve no more 
 nor ten in the gutter, nor no money returned in 
 case as how it rains." 
 
124 JOE MILLER 
 
 298. — Sir Toby Butler the famed Irish bar- 
 rister, once invited Sir Charles Coote to dinner; 
 he knew that his guest valued himself on a long 
 list of ancestry, in which Sir Toby could have 
 rivalled him if he had not prized himself on his 
 own merit. At dinner Sir Toby used to cry out, 
 " Tell my cousin Pat the butler, tell my cousin 
 Oonah the cook, tell my cousin Terry the groom, 
 such and such a thing." — " What," said Sir 
 Charles, in a degree of surprise, " I find that all 
 your servants are your relations." — " To be 
 sure," said the knight, " is it not more praise- 
 worthy to retain my own relations for servants 
 than to keep yours ! " 
 
 299. — Doctor Kir wan, the celebrated Irish 
 chemist, having one day at dinner with him a 
 party of friends, was descanting upon the anti- 
 septic qualities of charcoal, and added, that if 
 a quantity of pulverised charcoal were boiled to- 
 gether with tainted meat, it would remove all 
 symptoms of putrescence, and render it per- 
 fectly sweet. Shortly afterwards, the doctor 
 helped a gentleman to a slice of boiled leg of 
 mutton, which was so far advanced in the haut- 
 gout as to shed an odour not very agreeable to 
 the noses of the company. The gentleman re- 
 peatedly turned it upon his plate, without ven- 
 turing to taste it ; and the doctor observing him 
 said, " Sir, perhaps you don't like mutton? " — 
 " O yes, Doctor," he replied, " I am very fond of 
 mutton, but I do not think the cook has boiled 
 charcoal enough with it." 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 125 
 
 300. — Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish 
 patriot, having, after a very sharp contest, car- 
 ried the election as a representative in parlia- 
 ment for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days 
 after, by a lady whose whole family were very 
 warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candi- 
 date ; " Well, doctor," said she, " I find you have 
 gained the election." — " Yes, madam." — " No 
 wonder, sir, all the blackguards voted for you." 
 — " No, madam, your two sons did not," replied 
 the doctor. 
 
 301. — A Mr. Gaynor, eminent for his good 
 humour and pleasantry, was invited to dine on 
 a Friday with a Catholic friend, and the table 
 was as usual on that day, covered exclusively with 
 fish. Gaynor, who was particularly fond of 
 haddock, seated himself near a very large one, 
 but soon received intelligence, through the 
 medium of his nose, that it was not too fresh. 
 He put down his mouth to the head of the fish, 
 and anon returned his ear to the same place, as 
 if he was conversing with it. The lady of the 
 house asked him what he wished, or was there 
 anything particular? " Nothing, madam," said 
 he, " but I was asking this haddock if he knew 
 anything of my poor friend, Captain Murphy, 
 who was drowned off the harbour last Monday ; 
 but he tells me, that he knows nothing of the mat- 
 ter, for he hasn't been to sea these three weeks." 
 
 302. — Dr. O'Connor, in his History of Po- 
 land, says that the Irish are long-lived ; that some 
 
126 JOE MILLER 
 
 of them attain to the age of a hundred : " In 
 short," adds the doctor, " they live as long as 
 they can." 
 
 303. — Lord Tykawley, a little before his 
 death, was visited by several Englishmen, who 
 came under a pretence of friendly inquiries after 
 his health, but in reality to see if he was dying, 
 that they might apply for his employments. The 
 old general, seeing clearly their motives, said 
 to some of them, " Gentlemen, I know well your 
 reasons for being so solicitous after my health. 
 I have but two things worth having, my regi- 
 ment and my girl, neither of which will fall to 
 your lot; I'll tell you how they will be disposed 
 of; a Scotchman will get the one, and an Irish- 
 man the other." 
 
 304. — Deaf, giddy, helpless, left alone, 
 
 To all my friends a burthen grown, 
 No more I hear my church's bell, 
 Thau if it rang out for my knell; 
 At thunder now no more I start, 
 Than at the rumbling of a cart: 
 Nay, what's incredible, alack! 
 I hardly hear a woman's clack. 
 
 305. — Anthony Pasquin one day leaning 
 over the Margate Pier, after a tremendous storm 
 on the preceding night, " You have had a blus- 
 tering night of it," said he, to an Irish sailor, 
 who stood near him, " but after a storm comes 
 a calm." — " By my sowl, and so it ought," says 
 Pat, " for the winds and waves had a hard 
 night's bout of it, and it's time for them to rest 
 themselves." 
 
JOE MILLER 127 
 
 306. — An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity 
 
 of the clergy in 'exacting their tithes, said, " By 
 Jasns, let a fanner be ever so poor, they won't 
 fail to make him pay their full tenths, whether 
 he can or not ; nay, they would instead of a tenth 
 take a twentieth, if the law permitted them." 
 
 307.— Mr. St. Leger, the father of the gal- 
 lant general, was a very strong man, but re- 
 markably foppish in his dress. One morning, 
 walking along in his red slippers, he was pass- 
 ing by a mud cart, when the scavenger called out 
 jeeringly, " Smoke Mr. Redheels ! " Mr. St. 
 Leger went up to him, and, taking hold of him 
 by the waistband of his breeches, flung him into 
 the cart, and then walked on with the greatest 
 coolness. 
 
 308. — During the late siege of Gibraltar, in 
 the absence of the fleet, and when an attack was 
 daily expected, one dark night, a sentinel, whose 
 post was near a tower facing the Spanish lines, 
 was standing at the end of his walk, whistling; 
 looking towards them, his head filled with nothing 
 but fire and sword, miners, breaching, storming, 
 and bloodshed ! By the side of the box stood a 
 deep narrow r -necked earthen jug, in which was 
 the remainder of his supper, consisting of boiled 
 pease. A large monkey, (of which there are 
 plenty at the top of the rock), encouraged by 
 the man's absence, and allured by the smell of 
 the pease, ventured to the jug; and, in en- 
 deavouring to get at its contents, thrust his 
 
128 JOE MILLER 
 
 neck so far into the jug, as to be unable to 
 withdraw it. At this instant, the soldier ap- 
 proaching, the monkey started up to escape, 
 with the jug on his head. This terrible monster 
 no sooner saluted the eyes of the sentry, than his 
 frantic imagination converted poor pug into a 
 fine blood-thirsty Spanish grenadier, with a most 
 tremendous cap on his head. Full of this dread- 
 ful idea, he instantly fired his piece, roaring out 
 that the enemy had scaled the walls. The guards 
 took the alarm ; the drums were beat ; signal- 
 guns fired : and in less than ten minutes, the gov- 
 ernor and his whole garrison were under arms. 
 The supposed grenadier, being very much in- 
 commoded by his cap, and almost blinded by 
 the pease, was soon overtaken and seized ; and by 
 this capture, the tranquillity of the garrison was 
 soon restored, without that slaughter and blood- 
 shed which every man had prognosticated in the 
 beginning of this direful alarm. 
 
 309. — Daniel Purcell, who was an Hiber- 
 nian and a nonjuror, was telling a friend, when 
 King George the First landed at Greenwich, that 
 he had a full view of him : " Then," said his 
 friend, " you know him by sight." — " Yes," re- 
 plied Daniel, " I think I know him, but I can't 
 swear to him." 
 
 310. — An Irish Sailor having fallen from 
 the mizzen-top of one of our ships, was supposed 
 by everyone on the quarter-deck to have been 
 killed by the fall: the poor fellow, however, got 
 
JOE MILLER 1£9 
 
 up, apparently but little hurt. The first lieu- 
 tenant, who was near him, inquired where he 
 came from. " Please your honour," replied 
 Paddy, all the while rubbing his arm, " I came 
 from the north of Ireland." 
 
 311. — Blind Peter, the Dublin shoe-black, 
 was one day summoned as a witness in a case of 
 murder, before the criminal court, and was, as 
 usual, primed with whiskey. One of his com- 
 panions had mortally wounded a carman with 
 his spud, or scraping knife, and Peter attended 
 as a witness for the prisoner. After a descrip- 
 tion of the circumstances which led to the catas- 
 trophe, in a style of phraseology perfectly un- 
 intelligible to the court, Baron Dawson observed, 
 " This witness is quite beyond my understanding. 
 — Pray, fellow, be more explicit, and tell us what 
 you mean." Peter answered, " Blur an ounds, 
 my lord, sure I'm not obliged to find you evi- 
 dence and understanding too, and if your lard- 
 ship doesn't know de languages, dat's not my 
 fault." 
 
 The learned judge found the best way to man- 
 age the witness was to bid him tell his own story, 
 in the plainest way he could, and Peter pro- 
 ceeded : — 
 
 " Well den, please }^our lordship, my gossup 
 at de bar was challenged by de carman to sky 
 de coppers for a pint of de stuff; and so dey 
 pulled out their louse traps, and tossed up for 
 the best in tree. Music, says de carman, maz- 
 
130 JOE MILLER 
 
 zards, says my gossup, and he won. You flushed 
 dem, by dc hokey, says the carman. — You lie, by 
 G — , said my gossup. So wid dat 5 my lord, dey 
 agreed to edge de make at a motty; but dere de 
 carman had no change, for my gossup touched 
 de spud so tight every pitch, dat if it was butter 
 he'd ha' stuck in it. So upon dat, your honour, 
 de carman miffed and began to be snotty. Your 
 soul to de gallice, says my gossup, what d'ye 
 mean by dat. If you have a mind for a row, 
 peel yourself, and we'll see it out in a genteel 
 way. My gossup is as tight a bit of flesh, my 
 lord, as ever nipp'd de weed. And so upon dat 
 de carman didn't do de decent ting; for while 
 my gossup was blanching his bacon, and just 
 taking off his flesh bag, what does de carman 
 do, my lord, but he gave him a dub with his 
 daddle, upon de snotter-box, and brought de 
 claret about his mug. Blue blazes to your soul, 
 you blood}' tief, said I, dat's not fair; — you 
 struck de man in his own shop: (for my gossup 
 had his foot in de basket all de while). So wid 
 dat, my lord, he struck him again ; and so my 
 gossup up wid his chir, and swore he'd give him 
 guts for garters; but I dun'na how it happened 
 dat de carman fell agen him, and somehow or 
 other, my gossup greased the chir in his tripes." 
 
 The judge, who was not the mildest man in 
 the world, said to the witness, " Get down, you 
 ruffian, there is no understanding your jargon." 
 
 Peter with great gravity, replied, " Oh, by 
 Jasus, since dat's de case I'm off; but I'll call 
 
JOE MILLER 131 
 
 to-morrow when you're sober, may be you'd be 
 civiller den." 
 
 Perhaps a glossary to the evidence may be 
 as necessary to the reader, as it was to the judge. 
 To shy de coppers, means to toss up halfpence ; 
 louse traps, their combs used in tossing. Music, 
 signifies harps (the impression on Irish half- 
 pence) ; mazzards, head. Edging de makes at a 
 motty, means pitching halfpence at a particular 
 stone, and he that pitched nearest was the winner. 
 Stuff, means whiskey ; miff'd, means got angry : 
 and snotty, means saucy. Nipping de weed, 
 implies chewing tobacco. Peeling, or blanching 
 his bacon, means stripping naked. Dab with 
 his daddle upon the snottcr-box and bringing 
 the claret about his mug, means a stroke with his 
 fist that produced a bloody nose ; and the chir, 
 is the short scraping knife used by the shoe- 
 blacks. With these illustrations the testimony 
 of Peter may perhaps be somewhat more in- 
 telligible to the English reader. 
 
 312. — A Poor Physician, half doctor, half 
 playwright, who from all his exertions, in the 
 services of Hippocrates and Thespis, could 
 scarcely keep life and soul together, was one 
 morning posting to breakfast with a patron, in 
 his threadbare sables ; but had on a pair of new 
 white silk stockings. He stopped by the way 
 to have his crab shells japanned, i. e. his shoes 
 blacked, by the redoubtable Peter ; and when the 
 job was finished, he tendered the operator half- 
 a-crown to receive the difference. Peter wanted 
 
132 JOE MILLER 
 
 to leave him in care of his shop, while he went 
 in search of change. The doctor could not wait, 
 nor would he trust him with the coin. Peter 
 would not give credit, and the doctor must not 
 depart without paying for his services. The 
 doctor, exasperated, rascalled and scoundrelled 
 the operator most furiously. Peter replied in 
 pointed slang. At length, however, finding the 
 halfpenny was not forthcoming, he says, " Well, 
 if I am to give credit, let me finish the job de- 
 cently ; put your honour's feet togeder dat I may 
 give de -finishing touch; " which, being done, 
 Peter with his polishing tool repeatedly slapped 
 the doctor across both knees. The doctor be- 
 came outrageous, struck the operator several 
 times with his cane about the head, and then 
 darted off in a fury. Some persons in the crowd 
 now collected asked Peter if he knew his cus- 
 tomer: "Aye," says Peter, "he is only a lousy 
 glister pipe, a mere foot soldier in the service 
 of death." 
 
 313.— During the rebellion of 1798, while the 
 regiment of ancient Britons were gallantly car- 
 rying the terrors of fire and sword through the 
 Wicklow and Wexford mountains, under the 
 command of Lieut. -Colonel Wardle, their com- 
 mander-in-chief, Sir W. W. Wynne, was de- 
 tained at Dublin, by a slight wound in the hand, 
 which, however, did not prevent him from walk- 
 ing about the streets daily, with his arm in a 
 crape sling; while his iron shod boots, and his 
 trailing scimitar, raised such a clatter on the 
 
JOE MILLER 133 
 
 pavement, as could not fail to impress the rabble 
 
 with the terrors of his warlike presence. 
 
 Passing one day by the laboratory of Black 
 Dick, who succeeded Blind Peter, the shoe-black, 
 the artist's deputy says to his master, " I believe 
 dat's de man dey call Sir Watkin Win, of the 
 Welsh horse." " Well, and what of that? " an- 
 swered Dick. " Noting," answered the deputy, 
 " only dey say he's a great hero ; but I don't tink 
 he looks much like one." — " Your soul to the 
 gallice ! " rejoined Dick, " Do you want a goose 
 to look like an eagle? 
 
 314. — Loed Chancellor Clare, who seemed 
 anxious to banish from his appearance in the 
 streets all semblance of his rank, usually walked 
 from his house, whether to the courts, or to the 
 House of Lords, in his boots, a jockey frock, 
 and a brown bob-wig, and was, as the phrase 
 is, " up to all the cants of the mob." One day 
 he arrived in the House of Lords to take the 
 woolsack, and was wigged, robed, and in his 
 place, long before any of the peers attended, or 
 even the servants of the house expected his pres- 
 ence. He repeatedly called for the deputy Black 
 Rod, an old Milesian named Bryant Connor, who 
 was just then so engaged that he could not con- 
 veniently attend his lordship ; but some minutes 
 after arrived, when Lord Clare, in his jocular 
 way, says to him, " Why, Connor, you old dust, 
 I've been calling you this half-hour ; what's the 
 reason you don't attend the call of the house? " 
 -T-" Because, my Lord," answered Connor, 
 
134 JOE MILLER 
 
 " I was engaged in attending the calls of 
 Nathur." 
 
 315. — It was one of the prominent com- 
 plaints against Lord Clare, in his elevation to 
 the seals, that he carried his political antipathies 
 with him even to the Equity Bench, and those 
 barristers who were members of parliament, and 
 had opposed the noble lord in his politics while 
 Attorney-General, usually received his marked 
 discountenance in the Court of Chancery. Mr. 
 Ponsonby, Mr. Curran, Mr. Egan, Mr. Fox, and 
 several others, experienced those marks of antip- 
 athy in a way highly injurious to their pro- 
 fessional pursuits, and have more than once 
 thrown down their briefs, and quitted the court 
 with marks of disgust and resentment ; while a 
 junior barrister, a nephew of the noble lord, with- 
 out talents or popularity, was distinguished by 
 his marked attention, as if with a view to throw 
 grist into his empty bag. The noble lord had a 
 favourite companion, a large Newfoundland dog, 
 which not only accompanied him through the 
 streets, but generally sat with him on the Chan- 
 cery Bench. One day while that celebrated 
 orator, Mr. Curran, was addressing his lordship 
 in an eloquent speech, Lord Clare, with marked 
 inattention and non-cholance, continued playing 
 with his dog, and fondly patting him on the 
 back. Mr. Curran, who had observed this for a 
 considerable time with patience, at length made 
 a full pause. The Chancellor missing the bar- 
 lister's voice, suddenly turned, and said, " Are 
 
JOE MILLER 135 
 
 you done, Mr. Curran ? " Mr. Curran resumed, 
 and addressing the peer and his canine colleague, 
 answered, " No, my Lords, I thought your Lord- 
 ships were in consultation, and I was unwilling 
 to interrupt your Lordships. But now, my 
 Lords, if your Lordships are disposed to attend, 
 I shall proceed. Then, may it please your Lord- 
 ships, as I was proceeding to observe — " The 
 Chancellor felt the hit, beat down his dog, 
 laughed heartily, apologised for his inattention, 
 and requested Mr. Curran to proceed with his 
 argument. 
 
 316. — The Late Father O'Leary, of witty 
 celebrity, had once a pamphleteering war of 
 polemics with the protestant bishop of Cloyne, 
 in which the prelate inveighed with great acri- 
 mony against the superstitions of popery, and 
 particularly against the doctrine of purgatory. 
 Father O'Leary, in his reply, slily observed, 
 " that much as the bishop disliked purgatory, 
 he might possibly go much farther, and fare 
 worse." 
 
 317. — An Irish Gentleman, being asked 
 some time since, what brought him to London, 
 he answered, that he came to see the invisible 
 girl 
 
 318. — The Late Mr. Forbes, one of the 
 whig members of the Irish Parliament, and af- 
 terwards governor of the Bahama Islands, was 
 a remarkably tall lank man and a very facetious 
 companion. He was invited one day to dine 
 with a convivial party, of which honest Tom 
 
136 JOE MILLER 
 
 Edwards, the witty surgeon, was to make one. 
 While the company were waiting in the drawing- 
 room for the arrival of Mr. Forbes, Edwards was 
 leaning out of the window ; some carpenters pass- 
 ing under it at the moment, with a long wooden 
 rain-spout payed over with pitch — Edwards sud- 
 denly started, and turned to the company, ex- 
 claiming, " God bless my soul ! poor fellow ! I 
 never heard a word of his death." — " Whose 
 death? " asked several of the company. — " Aye," 
 said Edwards, with a heavy sigh, " poor Forbes, 
 for whom we are waiting." — " Dead ! " says one ; 
 " Forbes dead? " says another. — " No," says a 
 third, " I saw him yesterday." — " Oh ! if you 
 doubt my words," said Edwards, " I suppose 
 you'll believe your own e}^es. — Look out of the 
 window, and you'll see his coffin going by : " 
 pointing to the spout on the carpenter's shoul- 
 ders. 
 
 319. — The Veteran Counsellor Caed- 
 beck, one day cross-examining a country fellow, 
 as a witness, asked him in several ways, what he 
 thought a particular person to be, from his own 
 knowledge, hearsay, or belief; but could extract 
 no other answer than that, " he did not know, 
 and could not tell." — " Come fellow," said the 
 counsellor, " answer me on your oath : what would 
 you take me to be, if you did not actually know 
 my person, and should meet me in the street? " 
 — " Why then," says the fellow, " since you ask 
 me, I will tell you, Sir. — By vartue of my oath, 
 if you had not that wig and gown upon you, I 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 137 
 
 should take jou for a little ould pedlar: " (a 
 palpable hit). The learned counsellor was 
 silenced. 
 
 320. — As an Irishman was crossing the horse 
 road in Fleet Street, a one-horse chaise came very 
 near him, when the driver bid him take care, 
 when Paddy exclaimed, " By Jasus, if you run 
 over me, I'll knock you down." 
 
 321. — Robert Laing, a farmer of very ec- 
 centric habits in the north of England, staying 
 some time at an inn at Leicester, run up a bill 
 that he was unable to pay, and was in conse- 
 quence rather harshly treated by the landlord, 
 who swore, that if he did not clear the whole by 
 the next fair day he would sell his horse to dis- 
 charge it. When the day came, and Master 
 Boniface was preparing to put his threat in exe- 
 cution, Laing petitioned for a few hours' grace, 
 and the sole use of one of the stables ; which 
 being granted, he sent the town-crier into the 
 most public parts of the town, to proclaim, that 
 at such an inn, there was just arrived a wonder- 
 ful and miraculous horse, which was to be seen 
 by all curious persons for sixpence apiece, with 
 his head where his tail should be. So attractive an 
 advertisement drew an amazing crowd of persons, 
 who, on paying their fee, and being shown into 
 the stable, found poor Rosinante with his hail 
 tied to the manger. This each of them thought 
 too good a jest to be enjoyed singly, and not 
 wishing to be laughed at, blazoned the mar- 
 vellous horse in such glowing colours, that the 
 
138 JOE MILLER 
 
 fellow, who stood at the door, received money 
 enough to have bought the fee simple of the 
 stable. 
 
 322. — The Wit and pleasantry of the late 
 Mark Supple are fresh in the memory of his 
 numerous acquaintance, and well known to all 
 the curious and eccentric circles of Westminster 
 within the last twenty years. He was an able 
 and eminent reporter of the debates in Parlia- 
 ment, and acquitted his duties in that depart- 
 ment with singular excellence, even when tipsey, 
 during the whole of a debate. Attending in a 
 crowded gallery one evening, when an important 
 question was to come on, and the house extremely 
 full on both sides, Mr. Pitt, and the whole of 
 the ministerial phalanx were in their places ; Mr. 
 Addington in the chair, maintaining, with solemn 
 gravity, the dignity of his office, and the whole 
 assembly mute as mummies in a catacomb, the 
 house had all the appearance of a Quaker's meet- 
 ing. Supple, tipsey as usual, gravely took his 
 pinch of snuff, and broke in upon the silence of 
 the house with an address to the chair : — " Mr. 
 Speaker ! — hiccup — I'll be very much obliged 
 if you'll be so good as to give us a song." The 
 Speaker was quite electrified. Mr. Pitt burst 
 into a loud and immoderate fit of laughter, and 
 several other members, after many fruitless en- 
 deavours to preserve their gravity, followed his 
 example. The Speaker called out, " Serjeant at 
 arms, do your duty, and bring that person to the 
 bar." In an instant the serjeant flew to the gal- 
 
JOE MILLER 139 
 
 lcry ; and, with the grim authority of office, in- 
 quired who was the man that presumed to insult 
 the house. Nobody would peach; but the Ser- 
 jeant was, by some silent finger, directed to 
 Supple, upon whom the serjeant immediately 
 seized. Supple, with great coolness, said, " My 
 dear fellow, you're quite mistaken ; that sly, drab- 
 coloured gentleman (pointing to a quaker seated 
 in the front row, behind the clock) is the man 
 who called for the song; for my part, I have 
 no taste for music." The serjeant flew like light- 
 ning after poor Obadiah, and dragged him out 
 of the gallery in spite of all remonstrances, and 
 was only prevented from bringing him to the 
 bar, by the assurance of a gentleman from the 
 members' gallery, who witnessed, and laughed 
 heartily at the joke, that the quaker was not the 
 man. 
 
 323. — A Raw Young Caledonian, who had 
 recently made his debut in the gallery as a re- 
 porter, and had not got his ears into hearing 
 order, could just distinguish something about a 
 bill brought in by Mr. Curwen, " For the col- 
 lecting of the harbour dues in the Isle of Man." 
 The novice who sat next Supple, asked him what 
 that bill was called, as he could not distinctly 
 hear, " Oh ! " says Supple, " it is only a Bill to 
 prevent the harbouring of Jews in the Isle of 
 Man." This item appeared in the Morning 
 Chronicle of the ensuing day, and excited no 
 small degree of consternation amongst " our 
 peoples " in Duke's Place, who are said to have 
 
1-40 JOE MILLER 
 
 very lucrative connexions with the smugglers in 
 the island. 
 
 324. — The Eve of All-Haleows is cele- 
 brated in Ireland, as an apple and nut feast; 
 and so general is this in the metropolis, that the 
 streets are thronged with women hawking those 
 fruits in every quarter. A brace of these priest- 
 esses, entering the hall of the Four Courts on 
 that day, pressed Counsellor Shannon to buy 
 some nuts. The counsellor answered, " They are 
 all empty, you baggages." — " They are the 
 more like your head, Counsellor," replied one 
 of the nymphs, and passed on crying her wares. 
 
 325. — A Worthy Alderman, captain of a 
 volunteer corps, at a field-day before Lord 
 Cornwallis, was ordering his company to fall 
 back, in order to dress with the line, and gave 
 the word — " Advance three paces backwards! 
 march ! " 
 
 326. — During the protracted debates upon 
 the subject of public scarcity in 1802, Mr. Wil- 
 bcrforce one night made a long and able speech, 
 in the course of which, he recommended great en- 
 couragement to the cultivation of potatoes, as a 
 source of cheap food for the poor. A reporter, 
 who was desirous of being attentive to every thing 
 which fell from that honourable gentleman, un- 
 luckily fell asleep, and only awaked just as Mr. 
 Wilberforce was concluding. He was extremely 
 mortified at having missed the speech, and asked 
 a droll " fellow-labourer," the well known Charles 
 Wilson, who sat next to him, to detail the leading 
 
JOE MILLER 141 
 
 points of the honourable member's argument. 
 The other told him, with great gravity, that Mr. 
 Wilberforce had been extremely eloquent in rec- 
 ommending the culture of potatoes, that he in- 
 stanced their good effects in the gigantic stature, 
 broad shoulders, vigorous constitution, and come- 
 ly persons of the Irish peasantry, of whom he had 
 seen so many herculean specimens in his walks 
 through St. Giles and Covent Garden, and withal 
 lamented that his parents and guardians had not 
 fed him in his early youth upon those salubri- 
 ous roots, which would have rendered him tall 
 and athletic, instead of the tiny person he was. 
 
 This text was quite enough for the spinner of 
 eloquence, who amplified these points in his next 
 day's paper, to a speech of four columns, with- 
 out a single sentence of what Mr. Wilberforce 
 had really uttered. On the next day, being at 
 his post, as usual, Mr. Wilberforce rose with the 
 identical newspaper in his hand. The call of 
 " Privilege ! Privilege ! " echoed from several 
 voices, and Mr. Wilberforce addressed the chair, 
 by expressing his unwillingness at all times to 
 restrain the liberty of the press, or to oppose 
 the standing orders of the house, against that 
 usage which had long prevailed, of detailing in 
 the public papers what passed there in discus- 
 sion ; but where a gross misrepresentation was 
 made of the speech of a member, it ought not to 
 pass in silence. Pie held in his hand a report, 
 purporting to be a report of his own speech the 
 preceding night, and he would appeal to the 
 
m JOE MILLER 
 
 house, whether it contained a syllable of what he 
 had said. (Read! read! echoed from all sides.) 
 Mr. Wilberforce put on his spectacles, and pro- 
 ceeded to the reading, but every sentence pro- 
 duced in the house a burst of laughter, until he 
 came to that part where he was stated to have 
 lamented that he had not been early fed upon po- 
 tatoes, and thereby rendered tall, broad-shoul- 
 dered, and athletic, instead of the tiny person 
 he was. This threw the house into a roar of 
 laughter, when Mr. Wilberforce himself, dis- 
 mounting his spectacles, good humouredly joined 
 in the laugh, and said, " Well, I protest the 
 thing is so ludicrous, that it is hardly worth se- 
 rious notice, and I shall pursue it no farther." 
 
 327. — The Humourist, whose hoax upon a 
 brother reporter produced this incident, was well 
 known in the literary circles, and " a fellow of 
 infinite jest: " but though he was himself a per- 
 son of much wit and pointed satire, he feared 
 foils more than Supple. For, like all wits, he 
 dreaded a retort, and had scarcely temper 
 enough to sustain a palpable hit. One night, in 
 company with Supple at a convivial party, Sup- 
 ple commenced a " galling fire " upon him, and 
 after exchanging a few shot, Wilson says to 
 Supple, " Oh ! Mark, we all know from whence 
 you coin your jokes, Joe Miller to wit." — " My 
 dear Wilson," said Supple, " Wit you may have: 
 but the less you say about coin the better, for it's 
 a commodity in which you seldom deal." This 
 was touching on the raw of poor Wilson's feel- 
 
JOE MILLER 143 
 
 ings ; and he flow out of the room, fairly van- 
 quished without venturing a reply. 
 
 328. — A Young Munsterman, who was en- 
 tered a midshipman on board Lord Packenham's 
 ship, had the good fortune to escape unwounded ; 
 and when he returned on shore at Cork was grati- 
 fying the curiosity of his fond grandmother with 
 a detail of the sea fight, " Dear me, child ! " said 
 the old lady, " and were not the sailors all terri- 
 bly frightened at the firing of the cannons and 
 the shot flying about their heads ? " " Fright- 
 ened ! " answered the young hero, " no more than 
 if they were throwing snow-balls at each other." 
 
 329. — Louis XIV. asked Count Mahony one 
 day if he understood Italian? " Yes, please your 
 majesty," answered the count, " if it was spoken 
 in Irish." 
 
 330. — A Rider to a capital house in Watling- 
 street, being on a journey, was attacked a few 
 miles beyond Winchester by a single highway- 
 man, who, taking him by surprise, robbed him of 
 his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and 
 notes to a considerable amount. " Sir," said the 
 rider with great presence of mind, " I have suf- 
 fered you to take my property, and you are wel- 
 come to it. It is my master's, and the loss can- 
 not do him much harm ; but as it will look very 
 cowardly in me, to have been robbed without 
 making any defence, I should take it kindly of 
 you just to fire a pistol through my coat." — 
 " With all my heart," said the highwayman, 
 " where will you have ths ball? "— " Here," said 
 
1U JOE MILLER 
 
 the rider, " Just by the side of the button." The 
 unthinking highwayman was as good. as his word ; 
 but the moment he fired, the rider knocked him 
 off his horse, and, with the assistance of a travel- 
 ler, who just at that time arrived, lodged the 
 highwayman in Winchester Gaol. 
 
 331. — The Late Earl of S kept an 
 
 Irish footman, and sent him one day with a pres- 
 ent to a certain judge; who in return sent my 
 lord half a dozen live partridges with a letter; 
 the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Pat's 
 back, as he was carrying them home, he set 
 down the basket, and opened the lid of it to 
 quiet them, whereon they all new away : " Oh ! 
 the devil burn ye," said he, " I am glad you are 
 gone." But when he came home, and my lord 
 had read the letter : " Why, Pat," said my lord, 
 " I find there are half a dozen partridges in the 
 letter." — " Arrah," said Pat, " I am glad you 
 have found them in the letter; for they all flew 
 out of the basket, and I did not know what be- 
 came of them." 
 
 332. — Counsellor Mackmahon, had lately 
 a client of his own country who was a sailor, and 
 having been at sea for some time, his wife was 
 married again in his absence, so he was resolved 
 to prosecute her ; and coming to advise with the 
 counsellor, he told him he must have witnesses to 
 prove that he was alive when his wife married 
 again : " Arrah, by my shoul, that shall be im- 
 possible," said the other ; " for my shipmates 
 are all gone to sea again, upon a long voyage, 
 
JOE MILLER 145 
 
 and shan't return this twelvemonth." — " Oh, 
 
 then," answered the counsellor, " there can be 
 nothing done in it ; and what a pity it is that 
 such a brave cause should be lost now, only be- 
 cause you cannot prove yourself to be alive." 
 
 333. — Ax Officer in full regimentals pass- 
 ing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest 
 he should come in contact with a chimney-sweep 
 that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, 
 " Hold off, you black rascal." — " You were as 
 black as me before you were boiled," cried sooty. 
 
 334. — A Young Man having asked an Hiber- 
 nian who was looked up to as a scholard, what 
 was meant by the posthumous works of such a 
 writer? " Why," said the other, " posthumous 
 works are those books which a man writes after 
 he is dead." 
 
 335. — On a Benefit Night at the Dublin 
 theatre, many particular friends of the actor 
 were let in at a private door, before the great 
 doors were opened, which w T hen discovered, a 
 gentlemen cried out, in a passion, " It is a shame 
 they should fill the house full of people, before 
 any body comes ! " 
 
 336. — An Irish Officer in Minorca was 
 found by a gentleman who came to visit him in 
 a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the 
 reason, he replied he had lost a pair of fine black 
 silk stockings out of his room, that cost eighteen 
 shillings ; but he hoped he should get them again, 
 for he had ordered them to be cried, with a re- 
 ward of half-a-crown to the person who brought 
 
146 JOE MILLER 
 
 them. His friend observing that this was too 
 poor a recompense for such a pair of silk stock- 
 ings : " Pooh, man," replied he, " I directed the 
 cryer to say they were worsted." 
 
 337. — Admiral Thompson, when a midship- 
 man, served under the celebrated admiral, then 
 commodore, Boscawen, who was just such a dash- 
 ing fellow as our present Lord Cochrane. He 
 used to tell a curious story of an Hibernian tar 
 on board his ship, who landed with a party of 
 volunteers to surprise a French fort, upon one 
 of their islands in the West Indies. The party 
 landed some hours before daylight, and con- 
 cealed themselves in a wood at a short distance 
 from the fortress, while the officer who led them 
 reconnoitred the place. 
 
 Pat, who had taken an over-dose of grog be- 
 fore he landed, sat down and fell asleep behind 
 some brushwood ; but the enemy having been ap- 
 prised of the landing of the party, were advanc- 
 ing in force from the next village, with fifes and 
 drums, towards the beach, which taught the of- 
 ficers of the British to hurry their men on board 
 their boats, and return to the squadron ; but in 
 the hurry of this retreat Pat was left behind. 
 Having finished his nap by about six in the 
 morning, when the day began to dawn, Pat, 
 remembering the purpose for which he had 
 landed, and missing his companions, without 
 dreaming of their retreat, advanced towards the 
 French fort, which was only manned by a few 
 soldiers, and the greater part of them were asleep 
 
JOE MILLER 147 
 
 in their guard house. He sealed the wall, killed 
 the first man he met with his cutlass, hauled down 
 the French flag, and then run round the rampart, 
 cheering most vociferously, with a pistol in one 
 hand and his cutlass in the other. The officer of 
 the enemy's guard, thinking the place was sur- 
 prised by a strong force, readily surrendered 
 his sword, and entreated mercy for his men, not 
 more than a dozen in number; whom Pat, like a 
 generous conqueror, permitted to retreat by the 
 postern, with their lives, to the next village, 
 about five miles' distance, where the main force 
 was quartered ; and having secured the gate, 
 his next care was to overhaul the signal flags, 
 where he had the good fortune to find a British 
 ensign, which he immediately hoisted at the flag- 
 staff, and stood by it cheering most vociferously, 
 and flourishing his hat aloft, in hopes of attract- 
 ing the notice of his commander, whose ships 
 lay just out of gunshot in sight of the fort. 
 
 The commodore, seeing the British flag flut- 
 tering over the French bastion, at first supposed 
 it to be a decoy; but some of Pat's shipmates 
 recognised him through their glasses, and the 
 boats were instantly manned, and a strong party 
 sent on shore, under the officer who had before 
 commanded. Pat, overjoyed at their arrival, 
 cheered still more loudly, and bid them come 
 round to the gate, where the draw-bridge was 
 down, and he would give them admittance. 
 
 Pie shortly derailed his operation ; but the of- 
 ficer seeing there was no time to be lost, spiked all 
 
148 JOE MILLER 
 
 the guns, and laid a train to the magazine, and 
 immediately proceeded to his boats, having fired 
 the train, and blown up the place. 
 
 When Pat came on board, he was taken to 
 task by the commodore for having deserted his 
 party when on shore, and threatened to be put 
 in irons for disobedience of orders. " Oh ! by 
 Jasus, your honor," says Pat, " if that is all the 
 thanks I'm to get, only forgive me this time, 
 and I'll never take any more French forts as 
 long as I live again." 
 
 The commodore, highly diverted with his vin- 
 dication and promise of amendment, dubbed Pat 
 a post-boatswain upon the spot, and made him a 
 present of twenty guineas. 
 
 338.— Swift's Stella, who was an Irish 
 lady, being extremely ill, her physician said, 
 " Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of 
 the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up 
 again." She replied, " Doctor, I am afraid I 
 shall be out of breath before I get to the top 
 again." 
 
 ' 339. — Three Fishermen in a smack from 
 Baldryle, near Dublin, had proceeded some dis- 
 tance to sea on a professional trip, but were sur- 
 prised by a dreadful storm, and blown some 
 eighty leagues to the southward. Completely 
 out of their latitude, wet, hungry, and exhausted, 
 and without any compass or chart on board, 
 which, even if they had, they would not know 
 how to use, they fell in with an outward-bound 
 Indiaman, which, the weather being more calm, 
 

 JOE MILLER 149 
 
 they approached and hailed. " Whither are you 
 bound, a-hoy?" — "To Bengal," was the an- 
 swer. — " That's our own country," answered the 
 hailing fishermen, " and we arc bound there too, 
 our provisions are all out, can you give us any? " 
 The captain of the Indiaman rather surprised at 
 their project of a voyage to Bengal in so small a 
 vessel, bid them come alongside, and ordered 
 them a tierce of pork, some bags of biscuit, and a 
 keg of rum, and bid them fall into his wake, for 
 the convenience of more easily railing, as long as 
 they could keep up. The poor fellows, thank- 
 ful for his assistance, obeyed his instructions, 
 and after sailing two days and two nights, and 
 wondering they had not come to their destined 
 port, hailed again, and demanded how long the 
 voyage was to last ; they were astonished with the 
 answer, " Perhaps five months with fair winds." 
 — " Five months ! " exclaimed the other, " why 
 blur-an-ounds, we'd fetch it ourselves in eight- 
 and-forty hours, if we knew wh'ch way to steer." 
 — " Shiver my timbers ! " roared the boatswain, 
 " then you must be Lapland witches." How- 
 ever, this led to an explanation from the three 
 adventurers that Fingal and not Bengal was the 
 place of their destination, from which they were 
 then about five days' sail. The captain pitying 
 their situation, threw them a chart and a small 
 compass, directing them to steer a north-east 
 course. He might as well have thrown them 
 a pot-lid, for the poor fellows knew nothing of 
 charts and compasses, having studied all their 
 
150 JOE MILLER 
 
 navigation within their native latitude, and 
 rarely quit sight of the land. They, however, 
 contrived with a strong iron spike to nail the 
 compass to their mast, and taking the sun for 
 their compass, they kept as nearly as they could 
 in the given direction, and by the favour of a 
 brisk and favourable breeze which sprung up, 
 reached their homes in about four days, to the 
 great joy of their sorrowing friends and neigh- 
 bours who had given them up for lost. 
 
 340. — An Irish Gardener seeing a boy 
 stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him 
 there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house, 
 and warm his jacket. 
 
 341.— At a late assizes in Ireland, a witness 
 was asked, whether, on a former occasion, he had 
 not given a different account of the transaction ? 
 He admitted the fact, but said that he was then 
 humbugged in the business. " Humbugged! " 
 replied the counsel, impatiently, " I do not un- 
 derstand the phrase." — " I thought," rejoined 
 the witness, " that everybody understood it : but 
 to explain it by a familiar instance — If I were 
 to tell the noble lord on the bench, or the gentle- 
 men who are sworn to try this cause, that you 
 were an able counsel, that would be to humbug 
 both judge and jury!" 
 
 342. — A Scotchman giving evidence at the 
 bar of the House of Lords, in the affair of Cap- 
 tain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots 
 which were fired upon that unhappy occasion, 
 was asked by the Duke of Newcastle, what kind 
 
JOE MILLER 151 
 
 of shot it was? " Why," said the man, in his 
 broad dialect, " sic as the}' shoot fools (fowls) 
 wi', an' the like."— " What kind of fools?" 
 asked the duke, smiling at the word. — " Why, 
 my lord, dukes (ducks), and sic kin o' fools." 
 
 343. — An Irish Gentleman was relating in 
 company that he saw a terrible wind the other 
 night. " Saw a wind ! " said another, " I never 
 heard of a wind being seen. But, pray, what 
 was it like? " — " Like to have blown my house 
 about my ears," replied the first. 
 
 344. — A Lad of the Hod ascending on day 
 with a portion of mortar, when he had attained 
 about the middle story a rung of the ladder 
 gave way under his foot, and he fortunately 
 landed, after a fall of thirty-six feet, with his 
 sitting-part upon a heap of loose rubbish. He 
 was instantly surrounded by a crowd who reck- 
 oned that he was killed. Pat, however, but 
 slightly hurt, instantly jumped upon his feet 
 and looking round the crowd, said, " By St. 
 Patrick, I'll howld you a gallon of portlier, the 
 tightest amongst you wont do that." 
 
 345. — During the mayoralty of Alderman 
 Sir James Shaw, a tall raw-boned Irish sailor 
 from Cork was brought before him, charged 
 with a desperate assault upon one of the street- 
 keepers, who had taken him into custody for 
 being riotous opposite the India House. This 
 officer told a very formal story, that the defend- 
 ant had assaulted him in the execution of his 
 duty, offered to mislest him, and he was very ob- 
 
152 JOE MILLER 
 
 stropulus, and had struck him a violent blow 
 on the head. " What have you to say in your 
 defence?" asked the grave magistrate. — "Do 
 you believe him, my lord? " said the Irishman, 
 with a humourous look. — " I must believe him," 
 replied the magistrate, " unless you can prove 
 to the contrary." — " Did you ever see a double- 
 jointed man, my lord? " pulling up the sleeve 
 of his jacket, and exhibiting his Herculean arm, 
 " if I struck him a blow on the head," continued 
 he, " he'd never tell who hurted him, for devil 
 a head he'd have on his shoulders. He might as 
 well get a kick from one of your lordship's 
 coach horses, as a whack of my fist." — " Well, 
 my good friend," said the magistrate, who saw 
 there was more of malice than truth in the accu- 
 sation, " you seem to be a good-humoured fellow, 
 and if I dismiss you this time, will you go quietly 
 to your ship, and raise no more riots? " — " Oh! 
 'pon honour, my lord, as quiet as a lamb ; but 
 hark'ee, Mister Street Keeper, no more of your 
 Hurroo Pats, if you plase." 
 
 346. — Pat having paid London a visit for 
 the first time on a Sunday, and seeing the ladies 
 walking with their reticules in their hands, ex- 
 claimed, " Ah ! by St. Patrick, the English girls 
 I see are knowing ones ; no one, faith and troth, 
 can pick their pockets, except they run away 
 with their purses out of their hands." 
 
 347. — Caro.lan, the celebrated Irish bard, 
 had an insatiable fondness for whiskey, and re- 
 fusing his gratification, was a certain method of 
 
JOE MILLER 153 
 
 raising his satire. Residing for some time in 
 the house of a parsimonious lady, he happened 
 one day as he sat playing on his harp, to hear 
 O'Flin the butler unlocking the cellar door, he 
 instantly arose, and following the man, re- 
 quested a glass of his favourite beverage; but 
 the fellow thrust him rudely out of the cellar, 
 declaring he would give him nothing unless he 
 had orders from his mistress. The insulted and 
 indignant bard instantly uttered the following 
 bitter epigram: — 
 
 " What a pity hell-gates are not kept by O'Flin, 
 So surly a dog would let nobody in." 
 
 348. — An Irish Soldier pretending dumb- 
 ness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after sev- 
 eral attempts to restore him, declaring him incur- 
 able, was discharged. He, a short time after- 
 wards enlisted in another corps, and being recog- 
 nised by an old comrade, and questioned how he 
 learned to speak? " By the powers," replied 
 Terence, " ten guineas would make any man 
 speak.'" 
 
 349. — A Singer once complaining to Mr. 
 Jeffery that himself and his brother (both of 
 whom were deemed simpletons), had been or- 
 dered to take ass's milk, but that on account of 
 its expensiveness, he hardly knew what he should 
 do. " Do? " cried Mr. Jeffery, " why suck one 
 another, to be sure." 
 
 350. — The Facetious Marcus Supple, 
 some of whose pleasantries we have before men- 
 
154 JOE MILLER 
 
 tioned, was one evening in the galley of the 
 House of Commons, when a Caledonian gentle- 
 man, the proprietor of the morning paper for 
 which Marcus was retained as a reporter, entered 
 the crowded galleiy with a friend from Edin- 
 burgh, whom he wished to introduce to the novel- 
 ties of the British senate. The latter took a 
 standing post in Supple's front with the stern 
 close to his face. Marcus, tipsey as usual, ad- 
 dressed the Caledonian very civilly, " I'll be 
 much obliged to } r ou, Sir, if you'll be so good 
 as to remove your snuff-box, as I don't much 
 like the odour of your Edinburgh flowers." 
 The Scot in a surly mood complained of 
 this indignity to his inductor, who, thinking 
 himself entitled to take a rough liberty with 
 the wit, told him, " he thought it was vary 
 extraordinary that he couldn't be watty without 
 being impartfnent." — "Oh! for the matter of 
 that," said Supple, " it is not more extraordinary 
 than that some of my Scotch friends can be very 
 impertinent without being witty." 
 
 351. — Sterne, so celebrated as the author of 
 Tristram Shandy, and the Sentimental Journey, 
 was of Cambridge University ; no strict priest, 
 but, as a clergyman, not likely to hear with in- 
 difference his whole fraternity treated contemp- 
 tuously. Being one day in a coffee-house, he ob- 
 served a spruce powdered young fellow by the 
 fire-side, who was speaking of the clergy, in a 
 mass, as n body of disciplined impostors and sys- 
 tematic hypocrites. Sterne got up, while the 
 
JOE MILLER 155 
 
 young man was haranguing, and approached 
 towards the fire, patting and coaxing all the way 
 a favourite little dog. Coming at length towards 
 the gentleman, he took up the dog, still continu- 
 ing to pat him, and addressed the young fellow — 
 " Sir, this would be the prettiest little animal in 
 the world, had he not one disorder ! " — " What 
 disorder is that? " replied the young fellow. 
 " Why, sir," said Sterne, " one that always makes 
 him bark when he sees a gentleman in black." — 
 " That is a singular disorder," replied the young 
 fellow ; " pray, how long has he had it?" — 
 " Sir," replied Sterne, looking at him with af- 
 fected gentleness, " ever since he was a puppy ! " 
 
 352. — A Witness was called upon to testify 
 concerning the reputation of another witness for 
 veracity. " Why," said he, " I hardly know what 
 to tell you, M.— — sometimes jests and jokes, 
 and then I don't believe him ; but when he under- 
 takes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him 
 about as much as I do the rest of my neighbours" 
 
 353. — A Cantab, one day observing a raga- 
 muffin-looking boy scratching his head at the 
 
 door of Mr. , bookseller, in Cambridge, 
 
 where he was begging, and thinking to pass a 
 joke upon him, said—" So, Jack, you are pick- 
 ing them out, are you? " — " Nah, sar," retorted 
 the urchin, " I takes 'em as they come ! " 
 
 354. — Louis XIV. passing through Rheims, 
 in 1666, was harangued by the Mayor, who, pre- 
 senting to him some bottles of wine and pears, 
 said to him — " Sire, we bring to your Majesty 
 
156 J0£ MILLER 
 
 our wine, our pears, and our hearts ; we have 
 nothing better." The king tapped him on the 
 shoulder, saying — " Such speeches do I like." 
 
 355. — Samuel Baldwin, a gentleman of 
 Hampshire, had, by his will, in the year 1736, 
 ordered, that, after his decease, his body should 
 be thrown into the sea be3^ond the Needles, which 
 was accordingly complied with. On making in- 
 quiry into his motives for this singular disposal 
 of his remains, it was discovered, that he made it 
 for the purpose of disappointing a young wife, 
 who had frequently assured him, by way of con- 
 solation, that she would — dance upon his grave. 
 
 356. — An Amiable Hindoo, at Bombay, 
 being taken to a veranda overlooking the assem- 
 bly-room, where a number of ladies and gentle- 
 men were going down a country dance, his con- 
 ductor asked him how he liked the cheerful 
 amusement ; the mild Indian replied — " Master, 
 I do not quite understand this business ; but in 
 our caste we say, if we place butter too near the 
 fire, butter will soon melt." 
 
 357. — Not Very Long Ago, a gentleman, 
 who sometimes speaks his mind, was dining at the 
 table of a bishop, surrounded by gentlemen who 
 do not always do so — for they were his chaplains. 
 His lordship gave much into the marvellous, to 
 which the inferior clergy bowed assent. " And I 
 remember," cried his lordship, " when the old 
 palace of Ely was pulled down, there was a toad 
 found under the wall, at least eight inches across 
 the back, and twelve in length. The toad was 
 
JOE MILLER 157 
 
 supposed to be a hundred years old." — " Won- 
 derful," answered the chaplains. " Wonderful 
 indeed," answered the gentlemen, " for it proves 
 that in those days there were no toad-eaters." 
 
 358. — An Irish Officer in the service of 
 France, having importuned Lewis the Fourteenth 
 in favour of a brother officer, the king inter- 
 rupted him as he was proceeding, and exclaimed, 
 " Your countrymen are troublesome." — " Your 
 Majesty's enemies say the same thing," returned 
 the officer; which put his Majesty in such a good 
 humour, that he immediately granted the request. 
 
 359. — An Oed Woman received a letter from 
 the post-office, at New r York. Not knowing how 
 to read, and being anxious to know the contents, 
 supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, 
 she called on a person near to read the letter to 
 her. He accordingly began and read — "Charles- 
 ton, June 23, 1826. Dear mother," then making 
 a stop to find out what followed (as the writing 
 was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed — " Oh, 
 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered! " 
 
 360. — When Kleber was in Egypt, he sus- 
 tained, during five hours, with only two thousand 
 men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He 
 was nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had 
 only a narrow defile by which to escape. In this 
 extremity, he called to him a chef de battaillon, 
 named Chevardin, for w T hom he had a particular 
 regard. " Take," said he to him, " a company 
 of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. 
 You will be killed, but you will save your com- 
 
158 JOE DULLER 
 
 rades." — " Yes, my general," replied Chevardin. 
 He gave his watch and his pocketbook to his ser- 
 vant, executed the order, and his death, in fact, 
 arrested the enemy, and saved the French. 
 
 361. — A Nocturnal Sketch. 
 
 Even is come ; and from the dark Park, hark, 
 
 The signal of the setting sun — one gun ! 
 
 And six is sounding from the chime, prime time 
 
 To go and see the Drury-Lane Dane slain, — 
 
 Or hear Othello's jealous doubt spout out, — 
 
 Or Macbeth raving at that shade-made blade, 
 
 Denying to his frantic clutch much touch ; — 
 
 Or else to see Ducrow with wide stride ride 
 
 Four horses as no other man can span; 
 
 Or, in the small Olympic Pit, sit split 
 
 Laughing at Liston, while you quiz his phiz. 
 
 Anon Night comes, and with her wings brings things 
 
 Such as, with his poetic tongue, Young sung : 
 
 The gas up-blazes with its bright white light, 
 
 And paralytic watchmen prowl, howl, growl, 
 
 About the streets and take up Pall-Mali Sal, 
 
 Who, hasting to her nightly jobs, robs fobs. 
 
 Now thieves to enter for your cash, smash, crash, 
 Past drowsy Charley, in a deep, sleep, creep, 
 But frighten'd by Police B. 3, flee. 
 And while they're going, whisper low, "No go!" 
 Now puss, while folks are in their beds, treads leads, 
 And sleepers waking, grumble — " drat that cat ! " 
 Who in the gutter caterwauls, squalls, mauls 
 Some feline foe, and screams in shrill ill-will. 
 Now Bulls of Bashan, of a prize size, rise 
 Tn childish dreams, and with a roar gore poor 
 Georgy, or Charles, or Billy, willy nilly; — 
 But nursemaid in a nightmare rest, chest-press'd, 
 Dreameth of one of her old flames, James Games, 
 And that she hears — what faith is man's — Ann's banns 
 And his. from Reverend Mr. Rice, twice, thrice; 
 White ribbons flourish, and a stout shout out, 
 That upwards goes, shews Rose knows those bows 
 woes ! 
 

 JOE MILLEIl 159 
 
 362. — -When the British ships under Lord 
 Nelson was bearing- down to attack Trafalgar, 
 the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going 
 round to sec that all hands were at quarters, ob- 
 served one of the men devoutly kneeling at the 
 side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in 
 an English sailor exciting his surprise and curi- 
 osity, he went and asked the man if he was afraid. 
 " Afraid ! " answered the honest tar, " no ! I was 
 only praying that the enemy's shot may be dis- 
 tributed in the same proportion as prize-money 
 — the greatest part among the officers." 
 
 363. — " Indeed, indeed, friend Tom," said 
 one citizen to another, " you have spoiled the look 
 of your nag by cropping his ears too close ; what 
 could be your reason for it? " — " Why, friend 
 Turtle, I will tell you — my horse had a strange 
 knack of being frightened, and on very trifling 
 occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen 
 the devil, and so, to cure him, I cropt him." 
 
 364. — A Pedantic Country Schoolmaster 
 asked a sailor what was the third and half third 
 of ten-pence. The sailor, who was illiterate, but 
 unwilling to confess his ignorance, evaded giving 
 an answer by saying, that he did not choose to 
 give that knowledge for nothing, which had cost 
 him much trouble and expense to acquire : adding, 
 that he could propose a much harder question 
 than that. The pedagogue, peaked at this, ex- 
 claimed—" What is that ! "— " Why," said the 
 tar, " if a pound of cheese costs fourpence, what 
 will a cartload of turnips amount to." 
 
160 JOE MILLER 
 
 365. — About Half a Century Ago, when i': 
 was more the fashion to drink ale at Oxford than 
 at present, a humorous fellow, of punning mem- 
 ory, established an alehouse near the pound, and 
 wrote over his door, " Ale sold by the pound." 
 As his ale was as good as his jokes, the Oxonians 
 resorted to his house in great numbers, and some- 
 times stayed there beyond the college hours. This 
 was made a matter of complaint to the Vice- 
 Chancellor, who was desired to take away his li- 
 cense, by one of the Proctors of the University. 
 Boniface was summoned to attend, and when he 
 came into the Vice-Chancellor's presence, he be- 
 gan hawking and spitting about the room ; this 
 the Chancellor observed, and asked what he meant 
 by it? — " Please your worship," said he, " I came 
 here on purpose to clear myself." The Vice- 
 Chancellor imagined that he actually weighed his 
 ale, and sold it in that manner ; he therefore said 
 to him — " They tell me you sell your ale by the 
 pound; is that true? " — " No, an't please your 
 worship," replied the wit. " How do you, then? " 
 said the Chancellor. " Very well, I thank you, 
 Sir," replied the wit; " how do you do? " The 
 Chancellor laughed, and said — " Get away for a 
 rascal, I will say no more to you." The fellow 
 departed, and crossing the quadrangle, met the 
 Proctor who laid the information ; " Sir," 
 said he, " the Vice-Chancellor wants to speak 
 with you ; " and returned with him. " Here, Sir," 
 said he, " here he is."—" Who? " said the Chan- 
 cellor. " Why, Sir," said he, " you sent me for 
 
JOE MILLER 161 
 
 a rascal, and I have brought you the greatest 
 that I know of." 
 
 366- — A Lawyer, upon a circuit in Ireland, 
 who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, 
 took the child up in his arms, and presented it to 
 the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great 
 effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child 
 — " What made him cry? " — " He pinched me ! " 
 answered the little innocent. The whole court was 
 convulsed with laughter. 
 
 367. — Dr. Stukeley waited upon Sir Isaac 
 Newton a little before dinner-time ; but he had 
 given orders not to be called down to anybody, till 
 his dinner was upon the table ; at length a boiled 
 chicken was brought in, and Stukeley waited till 
 it was nearly cold, when, being very hungry, he 
 ate it up, and ordered another to be dressed for 
 Sir Isaac, who came down before the second was 
 ready, and seeing the dish and cover of the first, 
 which had not been removed, he lifted up the lat- 
 ter, and, turning to Dr. Stukeley, said — " What 
 strange folks we studious people are ! I really 
 forgot that I had dined." 
 
 368. — The Hon. Mr. Rigby, being one even- 
 ing at hazard, in a public place, was very suc- 
 cessful ; and having won a considerable sum, he 
 was putting it in his purse, when a person behind 
 him said, in a low voice to himself — " Had I that 
 sum, what a happy man I should be ! " Mr. R. 
 without looking back, put the purse over his 
 shoulder, saying — " Take it, my friend, and be 
 happy." The stranger made no reply, but ac- 
 
162 JOE MILLER 
 
 cepted it, and retired. Every one present was 
 astonished at Mr. Rigby's uncommon beneficence, 
 whilst he received additional pleasure, on being 
 informed that the person who had received the 
 benefit was a half -pay officer in great distress. 
 Some years after, a gentleman waited upon him, 
 and, being introduced to Mr. R., acquainted him 
 that he came to acquit a debt he had contracted 
 with him in Dublin. Mr. R. was greatly sur- 
 prised at this declaration, as he was an entire 
 stranger. " Yes, Sir," continued the visitor, 
 " you assisted me with above a hundred pounds, 
 at a time that I was in the utmost indigence, with- 
 out knowing or even seeing me ;" and then re- 
 lated the affair of the gaming-table. " With 
 that money," continued the stranger, " I was en- 
 abled to pay some debts, and fit myself out for 
 India, where I have been so fortunate as to make 
 an ample fortune." Mr. Rigby declined taking 
 the mone} T , but, through the pressing solicitation 
 of the gentleman, accepted a valuable diamond 
 ring. 
 
 369. — The Late Duke of Grafton, when 
 hunting, was thrown into a ditch ; at the same 
 time a young curate, calling out, " Lie still, my 
 lord," leaped over him, and pursued his sport. 
 Such apparent want of feeling, we may pre- 
 sume, was properly resented. No such thing. 
 On being helped out by his attendants, his Grace 
 said — "that man shall have the first good living 
 that falls to my disposal — had he stopped to have 
 taken care of me, I never would have given him 
 
JOE MILLER 163 
 
 anything: " being delighted with an ardour simi- 
 lar to his own, or with a spirit that would not 
 stoop to flatter. 
 
 370. — Dr. Henntker, being engaged in pri- 
 vate conversation with the great Earl of Chat- 
 ham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. 
 " My lord," said the doctor, " wit is like what a 
 pension would be, given by your lordship to your 
 humble servant, a good thing well applied." 
 
 371. — Sir William B. being at a parish 
 meeting, made some proposals that were objected 
 to by a farmer. Highly enraged, " Sir," says he 
 to the farmer, " do you know that I have been to 
 two universities, and at two colleges in each uni- 
 versity ? "— " Well, Sir," said the farmer, " what 
 of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and 
 the observation I made was, that the more he 
 sucked the greater calf he grew." 
 
 372. — Sir W. Curtis was once present at a 
 public dinner where the Dukes of York and Clar- 
 ence formed part of the company. The Presi- 
 dent gave as a toast, " The Adelphi " (the 
 Greek word for "The Brothers"). When it 
 came to the worthy baronet's turn to give a toast, 
 he said, " Mr. President, as you seem inclined to 
 give public buildings, I beg leave to propose 
 Somerset House." 
 
 373. — One of His Majesty's Frigates, 
 being at anchor on a winter's night in a tremen- 
 dous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she be- 
 gan to drive. The lieutenant of the watch ran 
 down to the captain, awoke him from his sleep, 
 
164 JOE MILLER 
 
 and told him the anchor had come home. "Well," 
 said the captain, rubbing his eyes, " I think our 
 anchor is perfectly right, for who would stay out 
 such a night as this? " 
 
 374. — When Johnson had completed his Dic- 
 tionary, the delay of -which had quite exhausted 
 the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter 
 acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the 
 following terms : 
 
 " Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. 
 Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last 
 sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks 
 God he has done with him." 
 
 To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor re- 
 plied in this smart retort: 
 
 " Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to 
 Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as 
 he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the 
 grace to thank God for anything." 
 
 375. — A Gentleman, travelling on a jour- 
 ney, having a light guinea which he could not 
 pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him 
 to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him 
 if he had passed the guinea. " Yes, Sir," replied 
 Teague, " but I was forced to be very sly ; the 
 people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, 
 at a turnpike, where I had fourpcnce to pay, I 
 whipped it in between two half-pence, and the 
 man put it into his pocket, and never saw it." 
 
 376. — A Little Boy having been much 
 praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman 
 present observed, that when children were keen 
 
JOE MILLER 165 
 
 in their youth, they were generally stupid and 
 dull when they advanced in years, and vice versa. 
 " What a very sensible boy, Sir, you must have 
 been ! " returned the child. 
 
 377. — A Lady observing Mr. Jekyll directing 
 some letters, one of which was addressed to Mr. 
 , Solicitor; and another to Mr. , At- 
 torney ; inquired what was the difference between 
 an Attorney and a Solicitor. " Much the same, 
 my dear madam," replied the wit, " as there is 
 between a Crocodile and an Alligator." 
 
 378. — Alderman Faulkner, of Dublin, in 
 his Journal, announced the accouchement of 
 " her grace the Duke of Dorset." Next day it 
 was thus corrected : — " For her grace the Duke 
 of Dorset, read his grace the Duchess of Dorset." 
 
 379. — One Evening, Tom Sheridan, after 
 sitting with his father over a bottle, w r as com- 
 plaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The 
 right honourable manager told him, jocularly, to 
 go on the highway. " I have tried that already," 
 said he, "but without success." — "Ay! how?" 
 replied the father. — " Why," resumed he, " I 
 stopped a caravan full of passengers, who as- 
 sured me they had not a farthing, as they all be- 
 longed to Drury Lane Theatre and could not 
 get a penny of their salary." 
 
 380. — When Lucy Cowper was once examined 
 in a court of justice, one of the counsellors asked 
 her if she came there in the character of a modest 
 woman? "No, Sir," replied she, "I do not; 
 
166 JOE MILLER 
 
 that which has been the ruin of me, has been the 
 making of you — I mean impudence." 
 
 381. — Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Tan- 
 tley, were deemed the two fattest men in Somer- 
 setshire. When they were once sitting together 
 after dinner, Cheyne asked the other what made 
 him look so melancholy? " Faith," replied he, 
 " I was thinking how it will be possible for the 
 people to get either you or me to the grave after 
 we, die." — " Why, as to me," replied Cheyne 
 " six or eight stout fellows will do the business, 
 but you must be taken at twice." 
 
 382. — A Young Man, boasting of his health 
 and constitutional stamina, very lately, in the 
 hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to 
 what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness — 
 " To what, Sir? — To laying in a good founda- 
 tion, to be sure. I make a point, Sir, to eat a 
 great deal every morning." — " Then I presume, 
 Sir," remarked Wewitzer, " you usually break- 
 fast in a timber-yard.'* 
 
 383. — A Crooked Gentleman, on his arrival 
 at Bath, was asked by another, what place he had 
 travelled from? " I came straight from London," 
 replied he. — " Did you so? " said the other, 
 " then you have been teribly warped by the way." 
 
 384. — As a Certain Musician, who had a 
 very bad voice, was singing one day, he took no- 
 tice of a gentlewoman who fell a-crying; when, 
 imagining that the sweetness of his melody 
 awaked some passion in her breast, he began to 
 sing louder, and she to weep more bitterly. He 
 
JOE MILLER 167 
 
 had no sooner ended the song, but going to the 
 lady he asked her why she cried — " Oh ! " she 
 said, " I am the unfortunate woman, whose ass 
 the wolves devoured yesterday, and no sooner did 
 I hear you sing, but I thought on my poor ass, 
 for surely never were voices so much alike." 
 
 385. — A Spark being brought before a mag- 
 istrate on a charge of horse-stealing, the 
 the moment he saw him, exclaimed — " giving 
 villain in your countenance." — " It is d to his 
 time," said the prisoner, very coolly, " C. the 
 knew my countenance was a looking- glass." 
 
 386. — An Evidence in a court speaking in a 
 very harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed 
 on the other side exclaimed — " Fellow, why dost 
 thou bark so furiously? " — " Because," replied 
 the rustic, " I .' Vink I see a thief.'* 
 
 387. — A Countryman, on a trial respecting 
 a fishery, at the late Lancaster assizes, was cross- 
 examined by Sergeant Cockel, who, among many 
 other questions, asked the witness — " Dost thou 
 love fish?" — " Yes," said the poor fellow, with 
 a look of native simplicity, " but I donna like 
 Cockle sauce with it." A roar of laughter fol- 
 lowed, in which the sergeant joined, with his 
 ^ 3? i ual good humour. 
 
 388. — There are three things which a good 
 wife should resemble, and yet those three things 
 she should not resemble. She should be like a 
 town clock — keep time and regularity. She 
 should not be like a town clock — speak so loud 
 that all the town may hear her. She should be 
 
 ai> 
 
168 JOE MILLER 
 
 like a snail — prudent, and keep within her own 
 house. She should not be like a snail — carry all 
 she has upon her back. She should be like an 
 echo — speak when spoken to. She should not be 
 like an echo — determined always to have the last 
 word. 
 
 £$Q — A Forward Young Lady was walking 
 
 ^ as ..nig on the Steyne at Brighton, when she 
 
 people t; red ft facetious f r iend. " You see, Mr. 
 
 we, le. ^5 ^-^ gne ^ u j am come ou t j- g e \- a 
 
 ^ sun and air." — " I think, madam, you had 
 Jetter get a little husband first," was the reply. 
 
 390. — A Captain in the Navy, meeting a 
 friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that 
 he had left his whole ship's company the hap- 
 piest fellows in the world. " How so? " asked 
 his friend. " Why I have just flogged seven- 
 teen, and they are happy it is over ; and all the 
 rest are happy that they have escaped." 
 
 391.— The Late Sir Samuel Hood, who 
 died when commander-in-chief on the East India 
 station, had a lieutenant on board, named Roby, 
 supposed to be a natural son of his. One night, 
 when Roby had the watch, a squall of wind split 
 the main-top sail. Old Hood ran out of his 
 cabin in a passion, and exclaimed — " It is all 
 your fault, Roby, you are the greatest lubber in 
 the British navy."—" Now," said Roby, " I be- 
 lieve what all the ship's company say to be true." 
 — " And what do the ship's company say, Sir," 
 thundered out the commodore. " Why, that I 
 

 JOE MILLER 16 
 
 am the picture of you in everything." Hood 
 laughed at the sarcasm, and they were better 
 friends than ever. 
 
 392. — A Fellow stole Lord Chatham's large 
 gouty shoes ; his servant not finding them, began 
 to curse the thief. " Never mind," said his lord- 
 ship, " all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the 
 shoes may fit him! " 
 
 393. — When Mr. Canning was about giving 
 up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his 
 gardener, as he took a farewell look of the 
 grounds — " I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old 
 place." — " Psha, Sir," said George, " don't fret; 
 when you had this old place, you were out of 
 place ; now you are in place, you can get both 
 yourself and me a better place." The hint was 
 taken, and old George provided for. 
 
 394.— A Party who had been rather overdone 
 by the potentiality of their beverage in a tavern 
 in Leadenhall street, staggered out of the house 
 while the watchman was crying past three o'clock. 
 This so much offended one of the company that 
 he insisted on the poor fellow's altering his tone, 
 and announcing it to be past eleven o'clock. The 
 watchman immediately complied, but being at 
 some loss how to finish his sentence, said, " Pray, 
 gentlemen, what sort of weather would you choose 
 to have?" 
 
 395. — As Mr. Reynell, a man of some for- 
 tune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was 
 one day taking his ride, and being, according to 
 his own idea, a person of no small consequence, 
 
170 JOE MILLER 
 
 he thought proper to shew it by riding on the 
 footpath. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, 
 he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way. 
 " Sir," said the other, " I don't understand this : 
 I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have 
 a right to walk."—" Do you know, Sir," said Mr. 
 Reynell, " to whom you speak ? " — " I do not, in- 
 deed."— " Sir, I am Mr. ReynelL, of Edin- 
 burgh." — " Well, Sir, but that certainly does not 
 entitle you to ride on a footpath, and to drive a 
 humble pedestrian off it." — " Why, Sir, I am a 
 trustee of this road." — " If you are, you are a 
 very bad one." — " You are a very impudent fel- 
 low — who are you, Sir? " : — " I am John, Duke of 
 Montague." It is almost unnecessary to add that 
 the haughty Laird, after a very awkward apol- 
 ogy, went off into the main road. 
 
 396. — Ax Arch Boy belonging to one of the 
 ships of war at Portsmouth, had purchased of 
 his playfellows a magpie, which he carried to his 
 father's house : and was at the door feeding it, 
 when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had 
 an impediment in his speech, coming up — " T — 
 T — T — Tom," says the gentleman, " can your 
 mag t— t— t— talk yet? " — " Ay, Sir," says the 
 boy, " better than you, or I'd wring his head 
 off!" 
 
 397. — Two Sporting Men discoursing about 
 a horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way 
 of apology, observed — " That the cause of it was 
 an accident, his running against a waggon; " to 
 which the other, who affected not to understand 
 
JOE MILLER 171 
 
 him, archly replied, — " Why, what else was he 
 fit to run against? " 
 
 398. — An Opulent Farmer applied to an at- 
 torney about a law-suit, but was told he could not 
 undertake it, being already engaged on the other 
 side ; at the same time he said, that he would give 
 him a letter of recommendation to a professional 
 friend, which he did ; and the farmer, out of cu- 
 riosity, opened it, and read as follows :— 
 
 " Here are two fat wethers fallen out together, 
 If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other, 
 And make 'em agree like brother and brother." 
 
 The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, 
 and terminated the dispute. 
 
 399. — A Common Councilman's Lady pay- 
 ing her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring 
 what progress she had made in her education, the 
 governess answered, " Pretty good, madam, miss 
 is very attentive : if she wants anything, it is a 
 capacity, but for that deficiency you know we 
 must not blame her." " No, madam," replied 
 the mother, " but I blame you for not having 
 mentioned it before. Her father, thank God, can 
 afford his daughter a capacity; and I beg she 
 may have one immediately, cost what it may." 
 
 400. — Mr. Loutherbourgh, the famous 
 scene painter, had a fancy that he could cure all 
 diseases, and accordingly prescribed liberally for 
 his friends and others willing to fall under his 
 hands. A person of great faith applied to 
 him for a cure for a very bad cold, and Louther- 
 
Hi JOE MILLER 
 
 bourgh's advice was, " Doo you see, sare, can 
 you like to drink bran-tea? " 
 
 "Brandy," replied the patient, nothing loth 
 to find so palatable a medicine hinted, as he im- 
 agined. " Certainly, I have no objection to it 
 whatever." — " Vy, then," said Loutherbourgh, 
 " bran-tea, is the very ting for you. Take three, 
 four — ees, four — cups of it as hot as you can 
 soop — good big tea cups, just after break- 
 fast." 
 
 " What, Sir," asked the patient, rather 
 amazed, " Without water? " — " Vidout water," 
 said Loutherbourgh, " vat do you mean ? No 
 more water than is the bran-tea itself ven made. 
 Take it as you get it. Take four large, ver large 
 coops, between breakfast and dinner, and ven you 
 find a change for better or vorse, come to me." 
 The faith of the patient was great, and so was his 
 swallow ; for five days he stuck to what he thought 
 was the prescription of the painter — was of 
 course drunk all day — and at the conclusion of 
 his exertions, in this way he came to Louther- 
 bourgh, full of gratitude for his advice — " I am 
 quite cured, Mr. Loutherbourgh," said he, " I 
 never imagined that brandy was so complete a 
 cure- — I feel quite obliged." " O, yes," said Lou- 
 therbourgh, " I was sure it would cure you, you 
 felt quite cool all the time you was taking it." — 
 " Cool," said the patient, " no, not exactly cool, 
 I was rather hot. Zounds, no man can drink a 
 quarts of spirits in the forenoon, and keep 
 cool." 
 
JOE MILLER 173 
 
 " Spirits," said Louthcrbourgh, rather aston- 
 ished, " vy, there is no spirits in tea made of 
 bran." 
 
 " Tea made of bran! " said his amazed friend, 
 " it was hot brandy I drank." An explanation 
 of course followed — the gentleman however was 
 cured. 
 
 401. — In a Cause respecting a will, evidence 
 was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's 
 widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was 
 deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, 
 lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. " I 
 doubt," said the learned judge, " whether sweep- 
 ing physic into the street, be any proof of in- 
 sanity." — " True, my lord," replied the counsel, 
 " but sweeping the pots away, certainly was." 
 
 402.— It is said that the Pope advised Pe- 
 trarch to marry Laura ; but that the poet re- 
 fused, because he feared that the familiarity of 
 marriage would extinguish his passion. A blunt 
 person, on reading this anecdote, observed, 
 " There is a fool, who won't eat his dinner lest he 
 should spoil his appetite." 
 
 403. — Some Soldiers once fell upon a watch- 
 man in a small town, in a lonely street, and took 
 away his money and coat. He immediately re- 
 paired to the captain of the regiment, to com- 
 plain of his misfortune. — The captain asked him 
 whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore 
 when he was robbed by the soldiers. " Yes, Sir," 
 replied the poor fellow. " Then, my friend," re- 
 
174 joe miller 
 
 joined the captain, " I can assure you they do 
 not belong to my company ; otherwise they would 
 have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt." 
 
 404. — A Gentleman returned from India, in- 
 quiring of a person respecting their common ac- 
 quaintance, who had been hanged after he had 
 left England, was told he was dead. " And did 
 he continue in the grocery line? " said the former. 
 " Oh, no," replied the other, " he was quite in a 
 different line when he died." 
 
 405. — In Queen Anne's Reign, the Lord 
 Bateman married three wives, all of whom were 
 his servants. A beggar woman, meeting him one 
 day in the street, made him a very low courtesy : 
 " Ah ! God Almighty bless } r ou," said she, " and 
 send you a long life ; if you do but live long 
 enough, we shall be all ladies in time." 
 
 406.- — A Tanner near Swaffham, in Norfolk, 
 invited the supervisor to dine with him, and after 
 pushing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor 
 took his leave; but in passing through the tan- 
 yard, he unfortunately fell into a vat, and called 
 lustily for the tanner's assistance to get him out, 
 but to no purpose: " For," said the tanner, " if 
 I draw any hides without giving twelve hours' 
 notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but 
 I'll go and inform the exciseman." 
 
 407. — A Man who had been quaffing porter 
 till he was completely drunk, hiccupped out, that 
 porter was both meat and drink. Soon after, 
 going home, he tumbled into a ditch ; on which, 
 a companion, who was leading him, observed, that 
 
JOE MILLER 175 
 
 it was not only meat and drink to him, but wash- 
 ing and lodging too. 
 
 408. — A Highwayman meeting a counsellor 
 in his chariot, on the Surrey-road, presented a 
 blunderbuss, and demanded his money, with the 
 usual compliment. The gentleman readily sur- 
 rendered about sixty guineas, but kindly told the 
 thief, that, for his own safety, he had better put 
 the robbery on the footing of an exchange, by 
 selling him the blunderbuss for what he had just 
 taken from him. " With all my heart," said the 
 highwayman, and gave it to the advocate, who 
 immediately turned the muzzle, and told him, 
 " that if he did not re-deliver his purse, he would 
 shoot him." " That you may do if you can," 
 replied Turpin, " for I promise you it is not 
 loaded," and rode off very coolly with his booty. 
 
 409. — A Fashionable Countess, asking a 
 young nobleman which he thought the prettiest 
 flower, roses or tulips, he replied, with- great gal- 
 lantry, " Your ladyship's two lips before all the 
 roses in the world." 
 
 410. — A Gentleman, who did not live very 
 happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that 
 she was going to give her mistress warning, as 
 she kept scolding her from morning till night — 
 " Happy girl ! " said the master, " I wish I could 
 give warning too." 
 
 411. — Henry TV. of France, passing 
 through a small town, perceived the inhabitants 
 assembled to congratulate him on his arrival. 
 Just as the principal magistrate had commenced 
 
176 JOE MILLER 
 
 a tedious oration, an ass began to bray ; on which 
 the king, turning towards the place where the 
 noisy animal was, said gravely, " Gentlemen^ one 
 at a time, if you please." 
 
 412. — Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added 
 most amiable manners, and a most captivating 
 address. On General Armand de Biron coming 
 into his presence, when he was surrounded by 
 some foreign ambassadors, the king immediately 
 took Biron by the hand, and said, " Gentlemen, 
 this is Marshal Biron, whom I present with equal 
 pleasure and confidence to my friends as well as 
 my enemies." 
 
 413. — Charlotte Smith was walking along 
 Piccadilly a few days ago, when the tray of a 
 butcher's boy came in sudden contact with her 
 shoulder, and dirtied her dress. " The deuce 
 take the tray," exclaimed she, in a pet. " Ah, 
 but the deuce can't take the tray," replied young 
 rumpsteak, with the greatest gravity. 
 
 414. — A Few Days After the Rye-house 
 Plot, Charles II. was walking in St. James's 
 Park, without guards or attendants of any kind. 
 The Duke of York afterwards remonstrated with 
 his royal brother on the imprudence, nay, ab- 
 surdity of such conduct. Charles, a little nettled 
 to be so reproved, answered quickly, " Brother 
 James, take care of yourself, for no man will 
 kill me to make you king." 
 
 415. — When Garrick shewed Dr. Johnson 
 his fine house, gardens, statues, &c, at Hampton 
 Court, what ideas did it awaken in the mind of 
 

 JOE MILLER 177 
 
 that great and good man! Instead of a flatter- 
 ing compliment, which was expected, "Ah! 
 David, David, David," said the Doctor (clap- 
 ping his hand upon the little man's shoulder), 
 " these are the things, David, which make a 
 death-bed terrible! " 
 
 416. — George the Second, who was fond of 
 Winston the philosopher, one day, during his 
 persecution, said to him, that however right he 
 might he in his opinions, he had better suppress 
 them. " Had Martin Luther done so," replied 
 the philosopher, " your majesty would not have 
 been on the throne of England." 
 
 417. — " As you do not belong to my parish," 
 said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a 
 wooden leg, " you cannot expect that I should 
 relieve you." — " Sir," said the sailor, with a 
 noble air, " I lost my leg fighting for all par- 
 ishes." 
 
 418. — A Dancer said to a Spartan — " You 
 cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can." — 
 " True," answered the Spartan, " but any goose 
 can." 
 
 419. — A Blind Man who goes about the 
 streets of London, whining out a long story 
 about his misfortune, has, amongst other prayers 
 for the charitable and humane, the following 
 curious wish — " May you never see the darkness 
 which I now see." 
 
 420. — Demonax, hearing one declaim miser- 
 ably, said — " You should practice more." The 
 orator answering — " I am always declaiming to 
 
178 JOE MILLER 
 
 myself," he replied — " No wonder you do not 
 improve, having so foolish an audience." 
 
 421. — A Highlander, who sold brooms, went 
 into a barber's shop, in Glasgow, to get shaved. 
 The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after 
 having shaved him, asked the price of it. " Tip - 
 pence," said the highlander. " No, no," said the 
 shaver ; " I'll give you a penny, and if that does 
 not satisfy you, take your broom again." The 
 highlander took it, and asked what he had to 
 pay. " A penny," says Strap. " I'll gie ye a 
 baubee," says Duncan, " and if that dinna sat- 
 isfy ye, pit on my beard again." 
 
 422. — A Lady asking a gentleman, how it 
 was most medical men dressed in black, he replied 
 ■ — " The meaning is very obvious, as they are 
 chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects." 
 
 423. — A Wealthy Merchant of Fenchurch 
 street, lamenting to a confidential friend, that his 
 daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, 
 concluded, by saying — " Yet I wish to forgive 
 the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too 
 late to part them. But then, his condition : how 
 can I introduce him ? " — " Nonsense," replied 
 his companion ; " introduce him as a Liveryman 
 of the City of London. What is more honour- 
 able?" 
 
 424. — In a Dispute a Spartan was told he 
 lied. He answered — " After I had told you so, 
 I would whip you." For in Sparta lying slaves 
 were whipped ; and this retort was equal to call- 
 
JOE MILLER 179 
 
 ing the other a slave. Our point of honour was 
 unknown to the ancients, who thought the in- 
 famy lay in lying, not in being told of it. 
 
 425. — There is a story related of Sir Isaac 
 Newton, the celebrated astronomer, that, being 
 one day in the country, he saw a shepherd tend- 
 ing his flock, and inquired of him how far it was 
 to the next town. The shepherd replied — 
 " About a mile," and added — " but unless you 
 make haste, you will be wetted through before 
 you get there." Sir Isaac proceeded ; and as the 
 day was uncommonly fine, disregarded the shep- 
 herd's caution, till drops of rain began to fall. 
 He then quickened his pace; but before he could 
 reach the inn, he was thoroughly wetted. Struck 
 with the circumstance, when the rain abated, he 
 returned to ask the shepherd how he came to 
 know that there would be rain, when no signs 
 thereof were apparent. The shepherd declined 
 explanation. Sir Isaac offered him a guinea, and 
 afterwards five ; but still the shepherd refused to 
 reveal the secret. At length, Sir Isaac offered 
 him twenty guineas ; he then consented, on condi- 
 tion that he should have the money in hand be- 
 fore he spoke. Sir Isaac complied. The shep- 
 herd then said- — "You see that black ram?" 
 " Yes," said Sir Isaac ; " but w T hat has that to do 
 with the question ? " — -" Why," said the shep- 
 herd, " whenever that ram makes for shelter, and 
 thrusts his rump into the hedge, I always know 
 that rain will fall within a quarter of an 
 hour." 
 
180 JOE MILLER 
 
 426. — During the recent unpleasant situation 
 of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required 
 of every passenger after a certain hour, with lib- 
 erty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A 
 poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kil- 
 mainey to Kilmore, being asked concerning his 
 place of departure, and place of destination, an- 
 swered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, " I 
 have been to kill-many, and am going to kill- 
 more." — " That you shall not," said the sentinel, 
 and immediately ran him through with his bay- 
 onet. 
 
 427. — Ax Irishman, having bought a sheep's 
 head, had been to a friend for a direction to dress 
 it. As he was returning, repeating the method, 
 and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog 
 snatched it, and ran away. " Now, my dear 
 joy," said the Irishman, " what a fool you make 
 of yourself ! what use will it be to you, as you 
 don't know how it is to be dressed? " 
 
 428. — An Irishman meeting an acquaint- 
 ance, thus accosted him : " Ah, my dear, who do 
 you think I have just been speaking to? your old 
 friend Patrick ; faith, and he is grown so thin, 
 I hardly knew him ; to be sure, you are thin, and 
 I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put 
 together." 
 
 .429. — An Irishman seeing a large quantity 
 of potatoes standing in a market-place, observed 
 to a bystander, " what a fine show of potatoes." 
 " Yes, they are," replied he, " very fine potatoes ; 
 I see you have the name quite pat ; how do you 
 
JOK MILLKR 
 
 181 
 
 call them in your country? 
 
 All, faith ! " re- 
 
 turned the Irishman, " we never call 'em ; when 
 we want any, we go and dig them." 
 
 430. — Englishmen who sojourn, even for a 
 short time, in Ireland, speedily lose all their 
 prejudices against the country, and blend in all 
 the convivial eccentricities of the place. So 
 seductive is example and so epidemical the infec- 
 tion of good humour. A Briton named Moore, 
 who settled as a wholesale cheesemonger in Dub- 
 lin, was fascinated by the social habits of his Hi- 
 bernian acquaintance, and interchanged with 
 them all the cheap hospitalities of beef, turkeys, 
 and whiskey punch. Having removed to a new 
 habitation, and given, what is called a jovial 
 housewarming to a numerous company, the cheer- 
 ful jug went around with ceaseless motion, oc- 
 casionally replenished from a large china jar of 
 ten gallons dimension, which was Moore's favour- 
 ite urn on similar occasions, and upon which, 
 when tipsey, he never failed to launch out in high 
 encomiums. An arch wag in the room, yclept 
 Charley Shiel, an eminent auctioneer, perceiving 
 that his host was far gone when he mounted his 
 favourite hobby-horse, the china jar, joined in 
 the praises of this extraordinary vessel, adding, 
 that there were but two of them came from China 
 in three ships ; that he had sold one fellow of it 
 to Lord Howth five years before for twenty 
 guineas, and that the noble lord would cheer- 
 fully give three hundred for this, if he knew 
 where to find it. " Oh ! come, Charley," said 
 
182 JOE MILLER 
 
 Moore, who smcllcd a hoax, " } T ou arc flinging the 
 hatchet quite too far, it only cost me a guinea 
 and a half, and I would sell it for ten.'^ Shiel, 
 mustering all his gravity, rejoined, " My dear 
 Moore, you don't know the value of that jar; it 
 is the true Whang Tong malleable china, and 
 I'd lay you any wager that the strongest porter 
 you can find would not be able to break it with a 
 dozen strokes of your largest kitchen poker." — 
 " Done," said Moore, " that I will do it myself 
 in half a dozen strokes." — " Done with you," 
 said Shiel, " for a gallon of porter that you 
 don't." The wager thus settled, Moore called for 
 the large kitchen poker, and stripping off his 
 coat to remove all impediments to his strength, 
 dealt with all his might an Herculean blow upon 
 the jar, which, wonderful to relate, was smashed 
 in a thousand pieces. — Shiel, without moving a 
 muscle of his countenance, gravely acknowl- 
 edged that Mr. Moore had certainly won the 
 wager, and threw down his shilling to pay the 
 bet, observing, that this was the first time in his 
 life he ever saw such a jar broke in the same man- 
 ner. — Moore, like an Arabian seer, stood for 
 some time astounded by the effects of this rash 
 stroke upon his favourite talisman, but recover- 
 ing a little and perceiving the hoax by which he 
 had been deluded, fury kindled in his eve, and he 
 was looking out anxiously for some favourable 
 spot on the head of the hoaxer, whereon to be- 
 stow the next stroke of the poker; but the in- 
 sidious Shiel, seeing the storm rising, thought fit 
 
JOE MILLER 183 
 
 to decamp, laughing in his sleeve at the success 
 of his mischievous joke. 
 
 431. — An Irish Gentleman meeting an 
 Englishman, thus addressed him : " Ah, my dear, 
 is it you ? when I saw you at the other end of the 
 street, I thought you were your cousin ; as you 
 came nearer, I thought you were yourself; and 
 now I see you are your brother." 
 
 432. — A Culprit asked Jack Ketch, if he had 
 any commands to the other world ? " Why, said 
 Jack, " not many ; I'll only," added he, as he 
 had adjusted the knot under his left ear, " just 
 trouble you with a line." 
 
 433. — Dean Swift once dining with the 
 mayor of Dublin, was served with a part of duck, 
 and asking for apple-sauce, was told by the 
 mayor that there was none ; upon which he cut an 
 apple-pie, and put a spoonful of the apples on 
 his plate. The mayor exclaimed, " Why, doctor, 
 you eat duck like a goose." 
 
 434. — Private Theatricals are a very 
 great nuisance, and ought to be entirely sup- 
 pressed. The number of illiterate coxcombs who 
 nightly murder Shakspeare, and the unfortunate 
 females who are hurried into these receptacles of 
 vice, if not under parental control, ought to be 
 rescued by the police from the misery that awaits 
 them. Some time age a tailor's apprentice was 
 exhibiting Macbeth at one of these theatres, and 
 having exclaimed — 
 
 " I have done the deed ! " 
 
184 JOE MILLER 
 
 a respectable man stood up in the pit, and called 
 out, " That's not true — you hav'n't mended Mr. 
 Smith's breeches, for which your back shall smart 
 severely when you get home." 
 
 435. — A Clodhopper, of the real Sussex 
 breed, underwent a sharp cross-examination by 
 a learned counsel, on a late trial, in the course of 
 which he was asked, who his sleeping partner in 
 business was. " My sleeping partner? " replied 
 Hodge, scratching his head, and giving his hat 
 which he held by the band in his other hand an- 
 other turn, and staring at the same time at the 
 counsellor, as much as to say, " I'se wonder what 
 the devil's coming next — my sleeping partner? 
 Dang it, I'se got noa sleeping partner but 
 Mary." The court was convulsed with laughter ; 
 when it had somewhat subsided, the counsel re- 
 sumed — " You say your sleeping partner is 
 Mary — pray, who is Mary?" — "Why doesn't 
 thee know Mary? " rejoined Hodge, grinning 
 till his fat red cheeks almost closed his eyes — 
 " why she's my wife to be sure." 
 
 436. — A Young Couple, at Paris, lately go- 
 ing to the mayor, to have the civil ceremony of 
 marriage performed, the young lady, in step- 
 ping out of the carriage, entangled her lace dress 
 in the step, and tore it. " How stupid" ex- 
 claimed the gentleman. The lady took no notice 
 of this ungallant expression, and the party went 
 into the hotel of the mayor. But upon being 
 asked whether she consented to take the gentle- 
 man present for her husband, she replied, " Not 
 
JOE MILLER 185 
 
 so stupid; " which was the only answer that 
 could he obtained from her. 
 
 437. — Dr. South, once preaching before 
 Charles II. (who was not very often in a church), 
 observing that the monarch, and all his attend- 
 ants, began to nod, and, as nobles are common 
 men when they are asleep, some of them soon 
 after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, 
 and called — " Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat 
 you to rouse }^oursclf ; you snore so loud that you 
 will wake the king." 
 
 438.— The Benevolent Dr. Wilson once 
 discovered a clergyman at Bath, who he was in- 
 formed was sick, poor, and had a numerous fam- 
 ily. In the evening, he gave a friend fifty 
 pounds, requesting he would deliver it in the 
 most delicate manner, and as from an unknown 
 person. The friend replied, " I will wait upon 
 him early in the morning." — " You will oblige 
 me by calling directly. Think, Sir, of what im- 
 portance a good night's rest may be to that 
 poor man." 
 
 439. — In a Law Suit respecting boundaries, 
 the counsel on both sides explained their claims 
 on a plan — " My lord," said one, " we lie on 
 this side ; " and the other said, " My lord, we lie 
 on this side." — " Nay," said the judge, " if you 
 lie on both sides, I can believe neither of 
 you." 
 
 440. — Lord M , with no very large 
 
 portion of either wit or wisdom, had a very ex- 
 alted opinion of his own powers. When once in 
 
186 JOE MILLER 
 
 a large company, and expatiating about himself, 
 he made the following pointed remark : " When 
 I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst 
 out laughing! " — " I envy you your happiness, 
 my lord, then," said Charles Townsend, " for you 
 must certainly live the merriest life of any man 
 in Europe." 
 
 441. — A Gentleman said he had travelled 
 over the four quarters of the world; and among 
 the curiosities he had remarked, there was one of 
 which no author had taken notice. This wonder, 
 according to him, was a cabbage, so large, and 
 so high, that under each of its leaves fifty armed 
 horsemen could put themselves into battle array, 
 and perform the manual exercise, without hin- 
 dering one another. Somebody that listened to 
 him, did not amuse himself with refuting that 
 story, but very seriously told that he had also 
 travelled, and had been as far as Japan, where 
 he was amazed to see more than three hundred 
 workmen, who were busy fabricating a copper ; 
 a hundred and fifty were employed inside in the 
 polishing of it. " To what use could be this 
 enormous vessel? " said the traveller. " No 
 doubt it was," answered he immediately, " to boil 
 the cabbage you have just spoken of." 
 
 442. — Lord Norbury was asking the reason 
 of the delay that happened in a cause, and he 
 was answered, it was because Mr. Sergeant Joy, 
 who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the 
 solicitor, had said that he would return im- 
 
JOE MILLER 187 
 
 mediately ; when his lordship humourously re- 
 peated the well-known lines — 
 
 " Hope told a flattering tale, 
 That Joy would soon return." 
 
 443. — A Labourer's Daughter, who had 
 been in service from her childhood, when weary, 
 would be frequently wishing to be married, that, 
 as she emphatically termed it, she might rest her 
 bones. Hymen at last listened to her prayers, 
 and a neighbouring clodhopper led her to the 
 altar, nothing loth. Some time afterwards her 
 late mistress, meeting her, asked her, " Well, 
 Mary, have you rested your bones yet? " " Yes, 
 indeed," replied she, with a sigh, " / have rested 
 my jaw-bones." 
 
 444. — A Noble Lord, not over^courageous, 
 was once so far engaged in an affair of honour, 
 as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. 
 But just as he came to the Porter's Lodge, an 
 empty hearse came by ; on which his lordship's 
 antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, 
 called out to the driver, " Stop here, my good 
 fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send you a fare." 
 This operated so strongly on his lordship's 
 nerves, that he begged the officer's pardon,, and 
 returned home in a whole skin. 
 
 445. — " I Can't Conceive," said one noble- 
 man to another, " how it is that you manage. I 
 am convinced that you are not of a temper to 
 spend more than your income ; and yet, though 
 your estate is less than mine, I could not afford 
 
188 JOE MILLER 
 
 to live at the rate you do." — " Mj lord," said the 
 other, " I have a place." — " A place? you amaze 
 me, I never heard of it till now — pray what 
 place? " — " I am my own steward." 
 
 446. — The Celebrated Duchess of Gram- 
 mont, on being brought before the revolutionary 
 tribunal, was asked by Fonquier Tinville, the 
 public accuser, if it was not true that she had 
 sent money to her emigrant children? " I was 
 about to say, no," replied she ; " but my life is 
 not worth saving by a falsehood." 
 
 447. — Lord Eedon tells with pleasure the 
 difficulties with which, in his early days, he was 
 surrounded and over which he triumphed — We 
 give an account of his early successes, as he re- 
 lated it himself at table to a friend : — " Yes," 
 said the Chancellor, " and I borrowed thirty 
 pounds to go the northern circuit, but / got no 
 briefs. And, Sir, I borrowed another thirty, 
 but met with no return. After some time at this 
 game, I had determined to borrow no more ; when 
 I was prevailed on by a friend to try again, and 
 did so. At York, I had a junior brief, and 
 Davenport, then a leading counsel on the circuit, 
 was to state the case to the jury. The cause 
 was called on in the morning, and Davenport 
 was engaged in the Crown Court : " I," said the 
 Chancellor, "begged the judge to postpone it; 
 but he replied, ' You must lead, Mr. Scott,' and 
 I did so ; it was an action for an assault ; two 
 Yorkshire ladies had quarrelled at cards ; a 
 
J OR MILLER 189 
 
 scuffle ensued ; and one of them turned off her 
 chair on the ground ; this was the nature of the 
 assault. It happened," proceeded the Chan- 
 cellor, " that I set the court in a roar of laughter, 
 and succeeded for my client; retainers began to 
 flow in, and the prospect brightened. On pro- 
 ceeding to Carlisle, a fortunate circumstance oc- 
 curred. I had retired early to bed the night be- 
 fore the assizes, when I was aroused by a knock 
 
 at my door; on getting up, I found Mr. , 
 
 the solicitor, with a large brief in his hand ; he 
 observed that a cause was coming on in the morn- 
 ing, and the leading counsel were all too much 
 engaged to read so large a brief — " You must 
 take it, Mr. Scott ; " I hesitated, as Davenport 
 and others had declined it, and expressed my 
 doubt of being able to accomplish the task. He 
 pressed me, and by the little light, as the attor- 
 ney put the brief (it was a thick brief) into my 
 hand, I saw written on it, ■ Mr. Scott, twenty 
 guineas,' This was not to be refused, and I 
 said, " Well, I promise to read your brief, and 
 state* its substance." — " That's all we want," re- 
 plied the solicitor ; so I dressed myself and read 
 it. The next day I succeeded in the cause, and 
 never wanted briefs again." 
 
 448. — Theophilus Cibber, who was very ex- 
 travagant, one day asked his father for a hun- 
 dred pounds. " Zounds, Sir," said Colly, " can't 
 3 r ou live upon your salary? When I was your 
 age, I never spent a farthing of my father's 
 
190 JOE MILLER 
 
 money." — " But you have spent a great deal of 
 my father's," replied Theophilus. This retort 
 had the desired effect. 
 
 449. — Bishop Hall Relates, that there was 
 a certain nobleman of his dsij, who kept a fool, 
 to whom he one day gave a staff (a thing com- 
 monly used in walking at that time by all pedes- 
 trians, whether rich or poor), with a charge to 
 keep it till he should meet with one who was a 
 greater fool than himself. Not many 3^ears 
 after, the nobleman fell sick even unto death. 
 The fool came to see him ; his sick lord said to 
 him — " I must shortly leave you." — " And 
 whither are you going? " asked the fool. " Into 
 another world," replied his lordship. " And 
 when will you come back again? Within a 
 month ? " — " No." — " Within a year ? " — 
 "No." — "When then?" — "Never." — 
 " Never ! " echoed the fool, " and what provision 
 hast thou made for thy entertainment there 
 whither thou goest? "— " None at all."—" No," 
 exclaimed the fool, " none at all ! Here, then, 
 take my staff; for, with all my folly, I am not 
 guilty of any such folly as this." 
 
 450. — Queen Caroline, consort of George 
 the Second, was remarkable for having the larg- 
 est feet of any female in the kingdom. One 
 morning as her majesty was walking on the banks 
 of the river near Richmond, attended only by one 
 lady, venturing too far on the sand, from which 
 the \\ater had recently ebbed, she sunk in up to 
 her ancles, and in endeavouring to extricate her- 
 
JOE MILLER 191 
 
 self, lost one of her galloches; at that instant, 
 the lady observing a waterman rowing by, re- 
 quested he would land, and recover the queen's 
 slipper. The request was instantly complied 
 with, and whilst the son of Old Thames was, 
 with evident marks of astonishment in his coun- 
 tenance, examining its extraordinary size, turn- 
 ing to her majesty, he inquired if that was her 
 slipper. On being answered in the affirmative, 
 he bluntly replied — " Then, I am out of my 
 reckoning, for I mistook it for a child's cradle." 
 451. — At the commencement of a public din- 
 ner at Guildhall, on Lord Mayor's Day, Mr. 
 Chamberlain Wilkes lisped out — " Mr. Alder- 
 man Burnell, shall I help you to a plate of turtle, 
 or a slice of the haunch? I am within reach of 
 both." — " Neither one nor t'other, I thank you, 
 Sir," replied the alderman ; " I think I shall dine 
 on the beans and bacon, which are at this end of 
 
 the table." — " Mr. Alderman A n, which 
 
 would you choose, Sir? " continued the chamber- 
 lain. " Sir, I will not trouble you for either, for 
 I believe I shall follow the example of my brother 
 Burnell, and dine on the beans and bacon," was 
 the reply. On this second refusal, the old 
 chamberlain rose from his seat, and with every 
 mark of astonishment in his countenance, curled 
 up the corners of his mouth, cast his eyes around 
 the table, and in a voice as loud and articulate 
 as he was able, called — " Silence ; " which being 
 obtained, he then addressed the Praetorian Mag- 
 istrate, who sat in the chair : — " My Lord 
 
192 JOE MILLER 
 
 Mayor, the wicked have accused us of intemper- 
 ance, and branded us with the imputation of 
 gluttony; that they may be put to open shame, 
 and their profane tongues be from this day si- 
 lenced, I humbly move that your lordship com- 
 mand the proper officer to record in our annals — 
 that two Aldermen of the City of London, prefer 
 beans and bacon to either venison or turtle 
 soup." 
 
 452. — Two City Merchants conversing 
 upon business at the door of the New York 
 Coffee house, one of them made some remarks on 
 the badness of the times ; and perceiving at the 
 moment, a flight of pigeons passing over their 
 heads, he exclaimed — " How happy are these 
 pigeons ! they have no acceptances to provide 
 for." To which the other replied — " You are 
 rather in error, my friend, for they have their 
 bills to provide for as w T ell as we ! " 
 
 453.— An Irishman having lost an eye, a 
 friend of his recommended him to one of our fa- 
 mous oculists, with whom he had agreed to give 
 ten guineas for a beautiful one shown him among 
 the rest. He actually called the next day to 
 abuse him for having sold him an eye with which 
 he could not see. 
 
 454. — A Traveller coming into the kitchen 
 of an inn, in a very cold night, stood so jlose to 
 the fire that he burnt his boots. An arch rogue, 
 who sat in the chimney-corner, cried out to him, 
 " Sir, you'll burn your spurs presently." — " My 
 boots, you mean, I suppose," said the gentleman. 
 
JOE MILLER 193 
 
 — " No, Sir," replied the other, " they are burnt 
 already." 
 
 455. — An Irish Bookseller, previous to a 
 trial in which he was the defendant, was informed 
 by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury 
 to whom he had any personal objections, he 
 might legally challenge them. " Faith, and so I 
 will," replied he, " if they do not bring me off 
 handsomely, I will challenge every man of them." 
 
 456- — A Foolish Fellow went off to the par- 
 ish priest, and told him, with a very long face, 
 that he had seen a ghost. " When and where ? " 
 said the pastor. — " Last night," replied the timid 
 man, " I was passing by the church, and up 
 against the wall of it did I behold the spectre." 
 — " In what shape did it appear? " replied the 
 priest. — " It appeared in the shape of a great 
 ass." — " Go home, and hold your tongue about 
 it," rejoined the pastor, " you are a very timid 
 man, and have been frightened by your own 
 shadow." 
 
 457. — After a certain military company had 
 dined, and their commander thought a longer 
 circulation of the glass might tend to prevent 
 the regularity of their return, he exclaimed jo- 
 cosely, " Attention ! charge bayonets ! " to which 
 one of the company cleverly replied, " As we are 
 in the rear rank, if you please, we will remain at 
 port.'" 
 
 458. — An Irishman carrying a cradle was 
 stopped by an old woman and thus accosted: 
 " So, Sir, you have got some of the fruits of mat- 
 
194 JOE MILLER 
 
 rimoriy." — " Softly, softly, old lady," said he, 
 " you mistake, this is merely the fruit basket." 
 
 459. — A Cowardly Fellow, much given to 
 apparent courage, or boasting (as most cowards 
 are), having spoken impertinently to a gentle- 
 man, received a violent box on the ear. Sum- 
 moning his most authoritative tone, he demanded, 
 whether that was meant in earnest. " Yes, Sir," 
 replied the other, without hesitation. The cow- 
 ard, thinking he should have frightened him, 
 now turned away, saying, " I am glad of it, Sir, 
 for I do not like such jests." 
 
 460. — An Irish Gentleman, meeting his 
 nephew who told him he had just entered college, 
 replied, " I am extremely happy to hear it ; make 
 the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I 
 shall live to hear you preach my funeral sermon." 
 
 461. — An Old Gentleman, who used to fre- 
 quent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being 
 unwell, thought Jie might make so free as to steal 
 an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, 
 one day he took the opportunity of asking one of 
 the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, 
 what he should take for such a complaint? " I'll 
 tell you," said the doctor, " you should take ad- 
 vice." 
 
 462.— As a Clergyman was burying a corpse, 
 a poor woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve 
 in the middle of the service. " Sir, Sir, I want 
 to speak with you."—" Prithee wait, woman, till 
 I have done." — " No, Sir, I must speak to you 
 immediately. "— " Well, then, what is the mat- 
 
JOE MILLER • 195 
 
 ter? " — " Why, Sir, you are going to bury a 
 man who died of the small-pox, near my poor 
 husband, who never had it." 
 
 463. — When Mrs. Glynn made her entree as 
 Lady Townly, some years since, in Dublin, three 
 high-bred women of fashion, in the stage-box, 
 grossly insulted her, by talking loud, coughing;, 
 &c. The' actress, greatly distressed, stopped, 
 burst into tears, and retired. The ladies, un- 
 abashed, for a moment enjoyed their triumph, 
 when a great uproar ensued, and " Go on, go 
 on," was heard from all parts of the house. A 
 young collegian then suddenly jumped on one of 
 the benches in the middle of the pit, and ex- 
 claimed to the audience, " My friends, who sit 
 about me are determined the play shall not go on, 
 till those drunken men in women's clothes leave 
 the stage-box." This address was universally 
 applauded, and being followed by a shower of 
 oranges and apples from both galleries, the Am- 
 azons retired in the utmost confusion, amidst the 
 hisses of the spectators. 
 
 464. — Several Years Ago, two brothers 
 went to Jamaica : they were, by trade, black- 
 smiths. Finding, soon after their arrival, they 
 could do nothing without a little money to begin 
 with, but that with sixty or seventy pounds, they 
 might be able, with industry, to get on a little, 
 they hit upon the following novel and ingenious 
 expedient. One of them stripped the other 
 naked, shaved him close, and blacked him from 
 head to foot. This being done, he took him to 
 
196 JOE MILLER 
 
 one of the negro-dealers, who, after viewing and 
 approving his stout athletic appearance, ad- 
 vanced eighty pounds currency upon the bill of 
 sale, and prided himself upon the purchase, sup- 
 posing him to be one of the finest negroes on the 
 island. The same evening, this new-manufac- 
 tured negro made his escape to his brother, 
 washed himself clean, and resumed his former ap- 
 pearance. Rewards were in vain offered in hand- 
 bills, pursuit was eluded, and discovery, by care 
 and precaution, rendered impracticable. The 
 brothers with the money commenced business, and 
 actually returned to England, with a fortune of 
 several thousand pounds. Previous, however, to 
 their departure from the island, they waited upon 
 the gentleman from whom they had received the 
 mone}^, and recalling the circumstance of the ne- 
 gro to his recollection, paid him both principal 
 and interest, with thanks. 
 
 4<65. — The Late Counsellor Egan, Chair- 
 man of the Quarter Sessions for Dublin, was so 
 remarkable for his lenity to female culprits, that 
 a woman was seldom convicted when he presided. 
 On one ocasion, when this humane barrister was 
 not in the chair, a prim looking woman was put 
 to the bar of the Commission court, at which pre- 
 sided the equally humane, but perhaps not so gal- 
 lant, Baron L . She was indicted for utter- 
 ing forged bank notes. According to usual form 
 of law, the clerk of the Crown asked the prisoner 
 if she was ready to take her trial ? With becom- 
 ing disdain, she answered, " No ! " She was told 
 
JOE MILLER 197 
 
 by the clerk, she must give her reasons why. As 
 if scorning to hold conversation with the fellow, 
 she thus addresed his lordship, " My lord, I won't 
 be tried here at all, I'll be tried by my lord 
 ,Egan." The simplicity of the woman, coupled 
 with the well-known character of Egan, caused a 
 roar of laughter in the court, which even the 
 
 bench could not resist. Baron L , with his 
 
 usual mildness, endeavoured to explain the im- 
 possibility of her being tried by the popular 
 judge, and said, " He can't try you," when the 
 woman stopped him short, and exclaimed, " Can't 
 try me ! I beg your pardon, my lord, he has tried 
 me twice before." She was tried, however, and 
 for the third time acquitted. 
 
 466. — A Gentleman on a stage-coach, pass- 
 ing through the city of Bath, and observing a 
 handsome edifice, inquired of the driver what 
 building it was ? The driver replied, " It is the 
 Unitarian Church." — " Unitarian ! " said the 
 gentleman, " and what is that? " — " I don't 
 know," said Jehu, " but I believe it is in the op- 
 position line." 
 
 467. — A Farmer in the neighbourhood of 
 Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: — 
 " John, I am going to raise your rent." John 
 replied, " Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for 
 I cannot raise it myself." 
 
 468. — George I., on a journey to Hanover, 
 stopped at a village in Holland, and while the 
 horses were getting ready, he asked for two or 
 three eggs, which were brought him, and charged 
 
198 JOE MILLER 
 
 two hundred florins. "How is this?" said his 
 majesty, " eggs must be very scarce in this 
 place." — " Pardon me," said the host, " eggs are 
 plenty enough, but kings are scarce." The king 
 smiled, and ordered the money to be paid. 
 
 469. — A Dispute about precedence once arose 
 between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some 
 altercation, the latter thought he should quite 
 confound his opponent by quoting the following 
 passage: — "For on these two hang all the law 
 and the prophets." — " Do you not see," said the 
 lawyer, in triumph, " that even in this passage of 
 scripture, we are mentioned first? " — " I grant 
 you," said the bishop, " you hang first." 
 
 470. — When the first edition of Thomson's 
 Seasons came out, the poet sent a copy, hand- 
 somely bound, to Sir Gilbert Elliott, of Minto, 
 afterwards Lord Justice Clerk, who had shewn 
 him great kindness. Sir Gilbert shewed the book 
 to his gardener, a relation of Thomson, who took 
 the book into his hands, and turning it over and 
 over, and gazing on it with admiration, Sir Gil- 
 bert said to him, " Well, David, what do you 
 think of James Thomson now? there's a book will 
 make him famous all the world over, and immor- 
 talize his name." David, looking now at Sir Gil- 
 bert, then at the book, said, " Iv? troth, Sir, it is 
 a grand book ! I did not think the lad had inge- 
 nuity enow to ha' done sic a neat piece of handi- 
 craft." 
 
 471 . — Two bucks riding on the western road 
 on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock 
 
JOE MILLER 199 
 
 of sheep towards the metropolis ; when one of 
 them accosted him with " Pr'ythee, Jack, which 
 is the way to Windsor? " — " How did you know 
 my name was Jack? " said the boy, staring in 
 their faces. " We are conjurors, young Hob- 
 nail," said the gentlemen, laughing. " Oh ! 
 you be ! then you don't want I to show you the 
 way to Windsor," replied the lad, pursuing his 
 journey. 
 
 472. — A Negro from Montserrat, where the 
 Hiberno-Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened 
 to be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a num- 
 ber of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing 
 one of them with a wife and four children, he 
 stepped forward to assist the family on shore. 
 The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed 
 his surprise at the civility of the negro ; who, un- 
 derstanding what had been said, replied, in Irish, 
 that he need not be astonished, for he was a bit of 
 an Irishman himself. The Irishman, surprised 
 to hear a black man speak his dialect, it entered 
 his mind, with the usual rapidity of the Irish 
 fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that 
 the climate had, no doubt, changed his com- 
 plexion. " If I may be so bold, Sir," said he, 
 " may I ask you how long you have been 
 in this country? " The negro-man, who had 
 only come hither on a voyage, said he had 
 been in Philadelphia only about four months. 
 Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and 
 children, and, looking as if for the last time 
 on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four 
 
200 JOE MILLER 
 
 months they must also change their complexions, 
 exclaimed, " O Merciful Powers ! — Judy, did you 
 hear that ? he has not been more than four months 
 in this country, and he is already almost as black 
 as jet." 
 
 473. — When Whitfield preached before the 
 seamen at New York, he had the following bold 
 apostrophe in his sermon : — " Well, my boys, we 
 have a clear sky, and are making fine headway 
 over a smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we 
 shall soon lose sight of land. But what means 
 this sudden lowering of the Heavens, and that 
 dark cloud arising from beneath the western hori- 
 zon? Hark! Don't you hear distant thunder? 
 Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There 
 is a storm gathering ! Every man to his duty ! 
 Plow the waves rise and dash against the ship ! 
 The air is dark ; The tempest rages ! Our masts 
 are gone ! The ship is on her beam ends ! 
 What next? " — It is said that the unsuspecting 
 tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if 
 struck by the power of magic, arose, with united 
 voices and minds, and exclaimed, " Take to the 
 long boat ! " 
 
 474. — A Dashing Buck, having just mounted 
 a fashionable great coat, trimmed with a profu- 
 sion of fur, lately asked an old gentleman how 
 he liked his new kick? " Upon my word, Sir," 
 said lie, " I like it extremely, for it reminds me of 
 a very excellent fable." — "What is that? "re- 
 turned the interrogator. — " The Ass in the 
 Lion's Skin," was the answer. 
 
JOE xMILLER 201 
 
 475. — An Irish Soldier passing through a 
 meadow near Cork, a large mastiff ran at him, 
 and he stabbed the dog with a spear that he had 
 in his hand. The master of the dog brought him 
 before the magistrate, who asked him why he had 
 not rather struck the dog with the butt end of 
 his weapon. " So I should," said the soldier, " if 
 he had run at me with his tail." 
 
 476. — At the Siege of Tortona, the com- 
 mander of the army which lay before the town, 
 ordered Carew, an Irish officer in the service of 
 Naples, to advance with a detachment to a par- 
 ticular post. Having given his orders, he whis- 
 pered to Carew, " Sir, I know you to be a gal- 
 lant man ; I have therefore put you upon this 
 duty. I tell you in confidence, it is certain death 
 for you all. I place you there to make the enemy 
 spring a mine below you." Carew made a bow to 
 the general, and led on his men in silence to the 
 dreadful post. He there stood with an undaunted 
 countenance, and having called to one of the sol- 
 diers for a draught of wine, " Here," said he, " I 
 drink to all those who bravely fall in battle." 
 Fortunately at that instant Tortona capitulated, 
 and Carew escaped. Bub he had thus a full op- 
 portunity of displaying a rare instance of de- 
 termined intrepidity. 
 
 477. — Mr. Jeremy White, one of Oliver 
 Cromwell's domestic chaplains, a sprightly man, 
 and one of the chief wits of the court, was so 
 ambitious as to make his addresses to Oliver's 
 youngest daughter, the Lady Frances The 
 
202 JOE MILLER 
 
 young lady did not discourage him ; but in so re- 
 ligious a court this gallantry could not be carried 
 on without being taken notice of. The Protector 
 was told of it and was much concerned thereat ; 
 he ordered the person who told him to keep a 
 strict lookout, promising if he could give him 
 any substantial proofs, he should be well re- 
 warded, and White severely punished. 
 
 The spy followed his business so close, that 
 in a little time he dogged Jerry White, as he was 
 generally called, to the lady's chamber, and ran 
 immediately to the Protector, to acquaint him 
 that they were together. 
 
 Oliver, in a rage, hastened to the chamber, and, 
 going in hastily, found Jerry on his knees, either 
 kissing the lady's hand, or having just kissed it. 
 Cromwell, in a fury, asked what was the mean- 
 ing of that posture before his daughter Frances? 
 White, with a great deal of presence of mind, 
 said, " May it please your highness, I have a long 
 time courted that young gentlewoman there, my 
 lady's woman, and cannot prevail ; I was there- 
 fore humbly praying her ladyship to intercede 
 for me." 
 
 The Protector, turning to the young woman, 
 cried, " What's the meaning of this, hussy ; why 
 do you refuse the honour Mr. White would do 
 you? he is my friend, and I expect you should 
 treat him as such." My lady's woman, who de- 
 sired nothing more, with a very low curtesy, re- 
 plied, " If Mr. White intends me that honour, I 
 shall not be against him." — " Sayest thou so, my 
 
JOE MILLER 2G3 
 
 lass? " cried Cromwell, " call Goodwyn ; this busi- 
 ness shall be done presently, before I go out of 
 the room." 
 
 Mr. White was gone too far to go back; his 
 brother parson came ; Jerry and my lady's woman 
 were married in the presence of the Protector, 
 who gave her five hundred pounds for her por- 
 tion, which, with what she had saved before, made 
 Mr. White easy in his circumstances, except that 
 he never loved his wife, nor she him, though they 
 lived together near fifty years afterwards. 
 
 478.^— Lady W is celebrated in Ireland 
 
 for wit and beauty. Happening to be at an as- 
 sembly in Dublin, a young gentleman, the son of 
 his majesty's printer, who had the patent for 
 publishing Bibles, made his appearance, dressed 
 in green and gold. Being a new face, and ex- 
 tremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the 
 whole company. A general murmur prevailed in 
 
 the room, to learn who he was ; Lady W 
 
 instantly made answer, loud enough to be heard, 
 " Oh ! don't you know T him ? It is young Bible, 
 bound in calf and gilt, but not letter'd." 
 
 479. — A Very Harmless Irishman eating an 
 apple pie with some quinces in it ; " Arrah, dear 
 honey," said he, " if a few of these quinces gave 
 such a flavour, how would an apple pie taste made 
 of all quinces? " 
 
 480. — A Brave Tar, with a wooden leg, who 
 was on board Admiral Duncan's fleet in the en- 
 gagement with the Dutch, having the misfor- 
 tune to have the other shot off, as his comrades 
 
204 JOE MILLER 
 
 were conveying him to the surgeon, notwith- 
 standing the poignancy of his agonies, could not 
 suppress his joke, sa}dng, " It was high time 
 for him to leave off play when his last pin was 
 bowled down." 
 
 481. — It is a superstition with some surgeons 
 who beg the bodies of condemned malefactors, 
 to go to the jail, and bargain for the carcass 
 with the criminal himself. An honest gentleman 
 did so last sessions, and was admitted to the 
 condemned men on the morning wherein they 
 died. The surgeon communicated his business, 
 and fell into discourse with a little fellow who 
 refused twelve shillings, and insisted upon 
 fifteen for his body. The fellow who killed the 
 officer of Newgate, very forwardly, and like a 
 man who was willing to deal, said, " Look you, 
 Mr. Surgeon, that little dry fellow, who has been 
 half-starved all his life, and is now half dead 
 with fear, cannot answer your purpose. I have 
 ever lived highly and freely, my veins are full, 
 I have not pined in imprisonment ; you see my 
 crest swells to your knife, and after Jack Ketch 
 has done, upon my honour 3^ou'll find me as 
 sound as e'er a bullock in any of the markets. 
 Come, for twenty shillings I am your man." 
 Says the surgeon, " Done, there's a guinea." 
 The witty rogue took the money, and as soon as 
 lie had it in his fist, cries, " Bite, Vm to be hanged 
 hi chains." 
 
 482. — Ik a Company, consisting of naval of- 
 ficers, the discourse happened to turn on the fe- 
 
JOE MILLElt 205 
 
 rocity of small animals ; when an Irish gentleman 
 present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny 
 cat, of all animals, was the most ferocious ; and 
 added, " I can prove my asertion by a fact within 
 my own knowledge : — I once," said he, " saw two 
 of these animals fighting in a timber yard, and 
 willing to see the result of a long battle, I drove 
 them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some 
 boards over the mouth, left them to their amuse- 
 ment. Next morning I went to see the conclu- 
 sion of the fight, and what d' ye thing I saw? " — 
 " One of the cats dead, probably," replied one of 
 the company. " No, by St. Patrick, there was 
 nothing left in the pit, but the two tails, and a 
 bit of flue! " 
 
 483. — When Captain Grose first went over 
 to Ireland his curiosity led him to see everything 
 in the capital worth seeing: in the course of his 
 perambulation, he one evening strolled into the 
 principal meat market of Dublin, when the butch- 
 ers, as usual set up the constant cry of "What do 
 you buy, master? " Brosc parried this for some 
 time by saying, " he wanted nothing ; " at last a 
 butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's 
 figure from top to bottom, which was something 
 like Dr. Slop's, in Tristam Shandy, exclaimed, 
 " Well, Sir, though you don't want any thing at 
 present, only say you buy your meat of me, and 
 you'll make my fortune." 
 
 484. — The Wife of a Scotch Laird being 
 suddenly taken very ill, the husband ordered a 
 servant to get a horse ready to go to the next 
 
206 JOE MILLER 
 
 town for the doctor. By the time, however, the 
 horse was ready, and his letter to the doctor writ- 
 ten, the lady recovered, on which he added the 
 f olowing postscript, and sent off the messenger : 
 " My wife being recovered, you need not come." 
 
 485. — Lord Townshend's Butler, in pre- 
 paring the cloth for a choice festival, was un- 
 lucky enough to break a dozen of china plates, 
 of a rare and beautiful design. " You block- 
 head," cries his lordship, meeting him presently 
 after, with another dozen in his hand, " how did 
 you do it?" — "Upon my soul, my lord, they 
 happened to fall just so," replied the fellow, and 
 instantly dashed them also upon the marble 
 hearth into a thousand pieces. 
 
 486. — A Nobleman, of the thick blood of 
 the Irish nation, paid his addresses to the daugh- 
 ter of a friend, who valued money more than an- 
 cestry : the old gentleman hinted to his lordship, 
 that he supposed his fortune was equivalent to 
 his daughter's ? " Why no, Sir," replied his 
 lordship, " I cannot say 'tis altogether so con- 
 siderable? but then you know, Sir, there is my 
 blood." — " Your blood? " returns the gentleman ; 
 " if you squander my daughter's fortune away, 
 she must not depend on your blood for a sub- 
 sistence: a hog's blood would be of more service 
 then, and would make much better puddings." 
 
 487. — In a Convivial Assembly, some of the 
 company questioning, whether the hamlet of Au- 
 burn, in the county of Westmeath, was really 
 the subject of Dr, Goldsmith's Deserted Village, 
 
JOE MILLER 807 
 
 and a doubt arising from the circumstance of the 
 doctor's not having been actually on the spot 
 when he composed that pathetic piece, an old 
 Irish gentleman present, with the zeal of a warm 
 defender of his country's rightful honour, ex- 
 claimed, " Why, gentlemen, was Milton actually 
 in hell when he wrote his Paradise Lost? " 
 
 488. — A Lady of Quality sending her Irish 
 footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, 
 strictly charged him to take a coach if it rained, 
 for fear of wetting them ; but a great shower of 
 rain falling, the fellow returned with the stays 
 dripping wet, and' being severely reprimanded 
 for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had 
 obeyed his orders. " How then," answered the 
 lady, " could the stays be wet, if you took them 
 into the coach with you? " — '* No, no," replied 
 the man, " I know my place better. I did not go 
 into the coach, but rode behind, as I always do," 
 
 489. — An Irishman, going down the High- 
 street of Glasgow, met a person whom he thought 
 he knew ; but Pat, rinding his mistake, " I beg 
 your pardon," says he, " I thought it was you, 
 and you thought it was me, but by St. Patrick it 
 is none of us." 
 
 490. — By the Lord Lieutenant and 
 Council of Ireland. 
 
 " A proclamation. — Whereas the greatest 
 economy is necessary in all species of grain, and 
 especially in the consumption of potatoes." 
 
 491. — An Irish Boy saw a train of his com- 
 panions loaded with kishes, or baskets, of turf 
 
208 JOE MILLER 
 
 coming towards his father's cabin. His father 
 had no turf, and how to get some was the ques- 
 tion ; " to dig he was unwilling, and to beg he was 
 ashamed." He took up a turf which had fallen 
 from a cart the preceding da} T , and stuck it on a 
 pole. When the lads passed, he appeared throw- 
 ing turf at the mark. " Boys," cried he, " who 
 can hit it? " Each kish boy, in passing, tried, 
 perhaps several throws, and when the whole had 
 passed, there was a heap left sufficient to reward 
 the ingenuity of the arch rogue. 
 
 492. — Swift riding out one da} 7 , met a parish- 
 ioner capitally mounted, and began to pay him 
 compliments on his horse. " Mr. Dean," said the 
 other, " he is very well, but still not equal to 
 yours." — " To mine," returned Swift, " why this 
 is a mere pad." — " Aye," replied the other, " but 
 he carries the best head of any horse in Ireland." 
 
 493. — Ix oxe of the late revolutionary bat- 
 tles in Ireland, a rebel hair-dresser ran up to the 
 muzzle of a cannon, to which an artilleryman was 
 just applying the match, and thrusting his head 
 into its mouth, exclaimed, the moment before he 
 was blown to atoms, " By Jasus, I have stopped 
 your mouth, my honey, for this time." 
 
 494.- — Two Gextlemex passing a blackberry 
 bush when the fruit was unripe, one said it was 
 ridiculous to call them black berries, when they 
 were red. — " Don't you know," said his friend, 
 " that blackberries are al\va3 r s red when they are 
 greeny 
 
 495. — Ax Attorney brought an action 
 
 
JOE MILLER 209 
 
 against a farmer for having called him a ras- 
 cally lawyer. An old husbandman being a wit- 
 ness, was asked if he had heard the man call him 
 a lawyer — " I did," was the reply. " Pray," 
 says the judge, " what is your opinion of the im- 
 port of the word? " — " There can be no doubt of 
 that," replied the fellow. " Why, good man," 
 said the judge: "there is no dishonour in the 
 name, is there ? " — " I know nothing about that," 
 answered he, " but this I know, if any man called 
 me a lawyer I'd knock him down." — " Why, 
 Sir," said the judge, ppinting to one of the coun- 
 sel, " that gentleman is a lawyer, and that, and I 
 too am a lawyer." — " No, no," replied the fel- 
 low ; " no, my lord : you are a judge, I know T ; but 
 I'm sure you are no lawyer." 
 
 496. — Shortly after a change in the minis- 
 try in the late reign, the king having remarked 
 that his shirt w r as not made up in the usual way, 
 and finding, upon inquiry, that the old laundress, 
 with whom he was very well satisfied, had been 
 dismissed from her situation, complained of 
 the latter circumstance to the Lord Chamberlain ; 
 upon which his lordship replied, that when he 
 came into office he had, as was usual, exercised 
 his patronage, by appointing a new laundress. 
 The king continued dissatisfied with the manner 
 in which his linen was got up, complained again, 
 and was again told by the Lord Chamberlain, 
 that the change of laundress was only in the 
 due exercise of his patrona <?p. " Then," replied 
 George III., somewhat ruffled, " I am to under- 
 
210 JOE MILLER 
 
 stand that I tannot change my laundress." His 
 lordship respectfully bowed assent. " But," his 
 Majesty resuming, " if I cannot change my laun- 
 dress, may I not be allowed to change 1113^ Lord 
 Chamberlain? " — M Oh ! certainly," answered 
 the latter ; and here the conversation ended. On 
 the next day, however, the old laundress was re- 
 instated in office. 
 
 497. — Me. Fox in the course of a speech, said 
 — " If anything on 1113^ part, or on the part of 
 those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to 
 peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease." 
 George Tierney (then in the administration) 
 whispered to his neighbour — " If he could not 
 lie on his pillow with ease, he can lie in this house 
 with ease." 
 
 498.— "Who is That Lovely Girl?" ex- 
 claimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with 
 his friend, Counsellor Grahaarty. " Miss Glass," 
 replied the barrister. " Glass," reiterated the 
 facetious judge: " by the love which man bears 
 to woman, I should often become intoxicated, 
 could I press such a glass to my lips." 
 
 499. — A Gentleman on circuit narrating to 
 his lordship some extravagant feat in sporting, 
 mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three 
 hares before breakfast. — " Thirty-three hairs! " 
 exclaimed Lord Norbury : " zounds, Sir ! then 
 you must have been firing at a "wig" 
 
 500. — Prince Maurice, in an engagement 
 with the Spaniards, took twenty-four prisoners, 
 one of whom was an Englishman. He ordered 
 
JOE MILLER 211 
 
 eight of these to be hanged to retaliate a like 
 sentence passed by Archduke Albert, upon the 
 same number of Hollanders. The fate of the un- 
 happy victims was to be determined by drawing 
 lots. The Englishman, who had the good for- 
 tune to escape, seeing a Spaniard express the 
 strongest symptoms of horror when it came to 
 his turn to put his hand into the helmet, offered 
 for twelve crowns to stand his chance. The offer 
 was accepted, and he was so fortunate as to 
 escape a second time. Upon being called a fool 
 for so presumptuously tempting his fate, he said 
 — " He thought he acted very prudently, for, as 
 he daily hazarded his life for sixpence, he must 
 have made a good bargain in venturing it for 
 twelve crowns." 
 
 501. — Mr. Garrick was once present with Dr. 
 Johnson, at the table of a nobleman, where, 
 amongst other guests, was one, of whose near 
 connexions some disgraceful anecdote was then 
 in circulation. It had reached the ears of John- 
 son, who, after dinner, took an opportunity of 
 relating it in his most acrimonious manner. Gar- 
 rick, who sat next to him, pinched his arm, and 
 trod upon his toe, and made use of other means 
 to interrupt the thread of his narration, but all 
 was in vain. The doctor proceeded, and when he 
 had finished his story, he turned gravely round 
 to Garrick, of whom before he had taken no no- 
 tice whatever — " Thrice," said he, " Davy, have 
 you trod upon my toe; thrice have you pinched 
 my arm; and now, if what I have related be a 
 
212 JOE MILLER 
 
 falsehood, convict me before this company," 
 Garrick replied not a word, but frequently de- 
 clared afterwards, that he never felt half so 
 much perturbation, even when he met " his 
 father's ghost." 
 
 502. — During the contested election for De- 
 von, between Mr. Bastard and Lord Ebrington, 
 Mrs. ***** and her daughter were walking in 
 the Castle-yard, at Exeter, when miss having 
 slily mounted a little bit of blue, in opposition to 
 the vote and interest of papa, was accosted by a 
 young friend, with " Dear me ! you are not a 
 Bastard, are you ? " When the former replied — 
 " Indeed, miss, I am, ask mamma if I ain't." — 
 " Yes, my dear," replied mamma, " I believe you 
 are, but papa must not know it." 
 
 503. — A Little Girl, who knew very well the 
 painful anxiety which her mother had long suf- 
 fered, during a tedious course of litigation, hear- 
 ing that she had at last lost her law-suit, inno- 
 cently cried out — " O, my dear mamma ! how 
 glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, 
 which used to give you so much trouble and un- 
 easiness." 
 
 504. — When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as 
 a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, 
 a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor 
 thought an immense sum, and calling at the 
 house, insisted upon seeing the master in private. 
 This was at length acceded to; and when the 
 banker and the sailor met together, the follow- 
 ing conversation ensued — Sailor. " Mr. Hankey, 
 
JOE MILLER 213 
 
 I've got a tickler for you— didn't like to expose 
 you before the lads." — Hankey. " That was 
 land. Pray, what's the tickler?" — Sailor. 
 " Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you ; 
 'tis a fifty."— Hankey. " Ah ! that's a tickler, 
 indeed." — Sailor. " Don't fret ; give me five 
 pounds now and the rest at so much a week, I 
 shan't mention it to anybody." 
 
 •505. — A Conceited Coxcomb once said to a 
 barber's boy, " Did you ever shave a monkey ? " 
 — " Why no, Sir," replied the boy, " never ; but 
 if you will please to sit down, I will try." 
 
 506. — An Irishman, a short time since, bade 
 an extraordinary price for an alarm clock, and 
 gave as a reason — " That, as he loved to rise 
 early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string, 
 and he could wake himself." 
 
 507. — A Gentleman being asked to give a 
 definition of nonsense, replied, in a Johnsonian 
 styL — " Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a 
 boiled carrot." 
 
 508. — When Isaiah Thomas, the printer of 
 Massachusetts, was printing his almanack for 
 1788, one of his boys asked him what he should 
 put opposite July 13th. Mr. Thomas being en- 
 gaged, replied — " any thing he liked." The 
 boy returned to the office, and set hail, rain, and 
 snow. The country was all amazement, the day 
 arrived, when it actually rained, hailed, and 
 snowed violently ; from that time Thomas's al- 
 manacks were in great demand. 
 
 509. — " Have you any thing else old? " said 
 
!II4 JOE MILLER 
 
 an English lady at Rome to a boy, of whom she 
 had bought some modern antiques. " Yes," said 
 the young urchin, thrusting forward his hat, 
 which had seen some dozen summers, " my hat is 
 old." The lady rewarded his wit. 
 
 510. — A Country Justice of the Peace, 
 when upwards of seventy years of age, married 
 a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that 
 he was likely to be rallied on the subject, he re- 
 solved to be prepared. Accordingly, when any 
 of his intimate friends called upon him, after the 
 first salutations were passed, he was sure to be- 
 gin the conversation, by saying, he believed he 
 could tell them news. " Why," says he, " I have 
 married my tailor's daughter." If he was asked 
 why he did so? the old gentleman replied, 
 " Why, the father suited me so well for forty 
 years past, that I thought the daughter might 
 suit me for forty years to come." 
 
 511. — A Veteran Highlander, between 
 whose family and that of a neighbouring chief- 
 tain had existed a long hereditaiy feud, being on 
 the death-bed, was reminded that this was the 
 time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had 
 mcst injured him. " Well, be it so," said the old 
 Highlander, after a short pause, " be it so ! go tell 
 Kenmure I forgive him — but my curse rest on 
 my son if ever he does." 
 
 512. — " When I was very young," said Mr. 
 Munden (rehearsing anecdotes of his past life), 
 " and looking still younger, I performed the 
 part of Old Philpot, in the Citizen, to a respect- 
 
JOE MILLER 215 
 
 able audience at Brighton, with great success ; 
 and it chanced, on the next evening being disen- 
 gaged from any professional duty, I was intro- 
 duced, by the gentleman who principally pat- 
 ronized me, as Mr. Munden. into a club-room 
 full of company. On hearing my name an- 
 nounced, a nice snug looking good humoured 
 personage laid down his pipe, and taking up his 
 glass, said — " Here is to your health, young sir, 
 and to your father's health, I saw him perform 
 last night, and a very nice clever old gentleman 
 he is." 
 
 513. — An Irish Jack Ketch, upon asking a 
 criminal, on the point of execution, for the ac- 
 customed fee of his office, received something 
 more than the usual sum, on which he exclaimed, 
 in great glee — " Long life, and good luck to 
 your honour," and instantly let the drop fall. 
 
 514. — A Black Man proceeding along one of 
 the fashionable streets at the west end of the 
 town, was saluted with the sound of — " How d'ye 
 do, blackee — how do, Snowball? " He turned 
 round in anger, but on perceiving the parrot, he 
 said — " Ah ! ah ! you rogue, }^ou grow rich now, 
 have a fine golden house of your own, insult poor 
 man, but I know your fader when he lived in a 
 bush — mind dat, and keep civil tongue." 
 
 515. — An Apothecary, one of the Friends, 
 meeting Dr. Fothergill in the street, accosted 
 him in the following manner. " Friend Fother- 
 gill, I intend dining with thee to-day."- — " I 
 shall be glad to see thee," replied the doctor. " I 
 
216 JOE MILLER 
 
 intend bringing my family with me," says the 
 apothecary. " So much the better/' quoth the 
 doctor. "But pray, friend, hast thou not some 
 joke? " " No joke, indeed," replied the apoth- 
 ecary, " but a very serious matter. Thou hast 
 attended friend Ephraim these three days, and 
 ordered him no medicine. I cannot live at this 
 rate in my own house, and I must therefore live 
 in thine." The doctor took the hint, and pre- 
 scribed handsomely for his friend Ephraim, and 
 his friend Leech, the apothecary . 
 
 516. — A Young Man visiting his mistress, 
 met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, 
 and wishing to rally him, inquired how old he 
 was? " I can't exactly \ell," replied the other; 
 " but I can inform you that an ass is older at 
 twenty, than a man of sixty ! " 
 
 517. — When Ameer, who had conquered 
 Persia and Tartary, was defeated by Ismail, and 
 taken prisoner, he sat on the ground, and a sol- 
 dier prepared a coarse meal to appease his hun- 
 ger. As this was boiling in one of the pots used 
 for the food of the horses, a dog put his head 
 into it ; but from the mouth of the vessel being 
 too small, he could not draw it out again, and ran 
 away with both the pot and the meat. The cap- 
 tive monarch burst into a fit of laughter ; and, on 
 one of his guards demanding what cause upon 
 earth could induce a person in his situation to 
 laugh, he replied — " It was but this morning the 
 steward of my household complained that three 
 hundred camels were not enough to carry my 
 
JOE MILLER 217 
 
 kitchen furniture ; how easily it is now borne by 
 that dog, who hath carried away my cooking in- 
 struments and dinner? " 
 
 518. — Dean Swift once preached a charity 
 sermon at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of 
 which disgusted many of his auditors ; which 
 coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot 
 soon after to preach another sermon of the like 
 kind in the same place, they took special care to 
 avoid falling into the former error. His text 
 was — " He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth 
 unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will 
 he pay him again." The dean, after repeating 
 his text in a very emphatical tone, added — 
 " Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the terms 
 of this loan ; if you like the security, down with 
 the dust." It is worthy of remark, that the 
 quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced 
 a very large contribution. 
 
 519. — The following admonition was ad- 
 dressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring 
 forth a volley of ill language against him — ■ 
 " Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face 
 against my fist." 
 
 520. — A Feeeow boasting in company of his 
 family declared even his own father died in an 
 exalted situation. Some of the company looking 
 incredulous, another observed — " I can bear tes- 
 timony of the gentleman's veracity, as my father 
 was sheriff for the county when his was hanged 
 for horse-stealing." 
 
 521. — A Late Great Personage, when 
 
218 JOE MILLER 
 
 masquerades were f rcquentty allowed in this coun- 
 try being present at one of these entertainments, 
 he was struck with the form of a lady. After 
 some conversation with her, he laid his hand upon 
 her bosom, the softness of which he greatly com- 
 mended. " I could," replied the lady, " put your 
 hand upon a softer place," and upon his request- 
 ing her to do so, she immediately put his hand 
 upon his own head, and directly mingled with the 
 crowd. 
 
 522. — A Secretary of War, being at a cor- 
 poration feast, when the dinner was over, and the 
 glass went merrily round, one of the aldermen 
 addressed himself to his lordship as follows : — 
 " My lord, I wonder, amongst the various 
 changes of ins and outs in the administration, 
 I have always observed your lordship in constant 
 employ." This was repeated several times, as his 
 lordship endeavoured to evade giving a direct 
 answer; however, at last, on the observation 
 being repeated, his lordship made this laconic re- 
 ply: — " Mr. Alderman, I look on the state as a 
 large plum-pudding, and whilst there is a bit of 
 it left, I am determined to have a part of 
 it." 
 
 523. — Swift, in his lunacy, had intervals of 
 sense, at which time his plrysicians took him out 
 for the air. When they came to the park, Swift 
 remarked a new building, and asked what it was 
 designed for, to which Dr. Kingsbury answered, 
 " That, Mr. Dean, is the magazine for arms and 
 powder for the security of the city." — " Oh ! " 
 
 
JOE MILLER 219 
 
 said the dean, pulling out his pocket-book, " let 
 me take an item of that ; this is worth remarking ; 
 my tablets, as Hamlet says, my tablets; memory, 
 put down that ; " on which he wrote the following 
 lines, which were the last he ever wrote: 
 
 " Behold a proof of Irish sense, 
 Here Irish wit is seen ; 
 When nothing's left that's worth defence, 
 We build a magazine." 
 
 and then put up his pocket-book, laughing heart- 
 ily at the conceit, and finishing it with these 
 words : " After the steed is stolen, shut the stable 
 door." After which he never said a sensible word, 
 so that these lines may be said to be the last 
 speech and dying words of his wit. 
 
 524. — When General V was quartered 
 
 in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were 
 regularly besieged as they got into their carriage 
 by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at 
 the door, assailing them daily with fresh impor- 
 tunities. Their charity and patience became ex- 
 hausted; not so the petitioner's perseverance. 
 One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the car- 
 riage, our oratrix began — " Oh, my lady ! success 
 to your ladyship, and success to your honour's 
 honour, this morning of all the days in the year : 
 for sure I did not dream last night that her lady- 
 ship gave me a pound of tea, and your honour 
 gave me a pound of tobacco."- — " But my good 
 woman," said the general, " don't you know that 
 dreams go by the rule of contrary? " — " Do they 
 so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must 
 
220 JOE MILLER 
 
 mean, that your honour will give me the tea, and 
 her ladyship the tobacco." 
 
 5%5. — An Officer just returned from the 
 West Indies, was invited to dine with Dr. Har- 
 vey, at Dublin, where several of the medical 
 tribe were present. The conversation turned 
 upon tropical climates, and the officer whose 
 opinion was asked about that of the West Indies, 
 said, " it was an infernal place ; and that if he 
 had lived there until that day he would have been 
 dead of the yellow fever two years ago." An- 
 other of the physicians, without observing the 
 bull, gravely added, " that the climate was cer- 
 tainly very unwholesome, and that vast numbers 
 had died there." " Very true," said Dr. O'Don- 
 nel, " but if you'll tell me of any country where 
 people don't die, I will go and end my days 
 there." 
 
 5%6. — Of that species of trope in Irish rhe- 
 toric called a bull, the Irish themselves are de- 
 cidedly superior to all the British wits who have 
 attempted to coin for them. A Dublin chairman 
 named Darby Logan, eminent for this class of 
 composition, kept an alehouse in the neighbour- 
 hood of Smock-alley Theatre, which was a good 
 deal resorted to by all the wags of that city. 
 Some of these customers one night knocked at 
 his door at a late hour to get in, long after the 
 family were gone to rest. After some consider- 
 able time, Darby opened the door, shivering in 
 his shirt, and answered the customers by saying, 
 " Blur and ounds, gentlemen, sure I can't let 
 
JOE MILLER 221 
 
 you in, don't you see that Vm in bed these two 
 hours." They, however, prevailed on the good- 
 natured host to admit them, and after obtaining 
 some drink, begged hard to get some supper. 
 Darby expressed his sorrow for not being able to 
 accommodate them, adding, that he had bought a 
 ver}^ fine quarter of pork the day before, but that 
 a parcel of blackguard chairmen came in the 
 evening while he was out, cut it up into mutton 
 chops, and dressed it for their suppers. 
 
 527. — The Same Genius was one evening 
 sent out to inquire the play of the night, by a 
 party of his brother chairmen, in order to form 
 some judgment of the probable crowd of the 
 theatre, as particularly interesting to their pro- 
 fessional views. Darby went forth leaving his 
 friends to indulge in their favourite bever- 
 age orange ale, while he looked out for the next 
 posting bill, and prevailed upon some person he 
 met to read the title of the play, which was 
 Orang Zebe, or the Great Mogul. Darby re- 
 turned with great glee to his friends, who put 
 the question, " Well, Darby, what's the play? " 
 ■ — " By St. Patrick," answered Darby, " you 
 have it before you ; 'tis Orange Ale, and the 
 Great Mug Full." 
 
 528. — The Father of an Irish Student 
 seeing his son doing untowardly, " Why, Sir- 
 rah," says he, " did you ever see me do so when I 
 was a boy? " 
 
 529. — The Late Countess of Kenmare, 
 who was a devout Catholic, passing one day from 
 
222 JOE MILLER 
 
 her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a 
 lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best 
 actors in Europe in the display of counterfeit 
 misery. Her ladyship's notice was particularly 
 attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched 
 than all the rest, and she asked him, " Pray, my 
 good man, what's the matter with you? " the fel- 
 low, who well knew her simplicity and benevo- 
 lence, answered, " Oh ! my lady, I'm deaf and 
 dumb." — " Poor man," replied the innocent 
 lady, " how long have you been so ? " — " Ever 
 since I had the faver last Christmas." The poor 
 lady presented him with a half crown, and went 
 away piously commiserating his misfortunes. 
 
 530. — One of those Hibernian lapidaries to 
 whose skill the London pavements are so highly 
 indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day for 
 biting off the nose of a Welshman, a brother pa- 
 viour, in a quarrel, at their work. — The unfor- 
 tunate Cambrian appeared in court with his nose- 
 less countenance, and swore the fact against the 
 prisoner ; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and called 
 his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give 
 evidence in his defence. This witness with great 
 apparent simplicity, stated, " That to be sure 
 his gossip and the other man had a little bit of 
 a scrimmage, .and both fell together, that the 
 Welshman made several attempts to bite his gos- 
 sip's face, and at last he made a twist of his 
 mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake." 
 
 531. — Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on 
 a party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of 
 
JOE MILLER 223 
 
 Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who 
 was a physician, strolled out before dinner into 
 the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and 
 the doctor not returned, some of the company 
 were expressing their surprise where he could be 
 gone to. " Oh," says the counsellor, " he is but 
 just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old 
 patients." 
 
 532. — Sir John Davis, a Welshman, in the 
 reign of King James I., wrote a letter to the king 
 in these words : " Most mighty Prince ! the gold 
 mine that was lately discovered in Bally curry 
 turns out to be a lead one." 
 
 533. — An Irish Gentleman in company, 
 seeing that the lights were so dim as only to ren- 
 der the darkness visible, called out lustily, 
 " Here, waiter, let me have a couple of daycent 
 candles, just that I may see how these others 
 burn." 
 
 534. — A Letter received on Friday, 6th of 
 Feb. 1807, by a gentleman in the neighbour- 
 hood of Brighton, from an officer lately restored 
 to liberty from a French prison, contains the fol- 
 lowing anecdote : " My confinement in the Tem- 
 ple, with Moreau, Georges, Pichegru, and Cap- 
 tain Wright, made me a witness of scenes w T hich 
 still haunt my imagination, and some day, when 
 we have the happiness to meet over a clear fire- 
 side, I'll rouse your indignation by a repetition 
 of them : the only time I laughed in France, was 
 at the relation of an incident which occurred to 
 a poor Irishman, who was one of O'Connor's 
 
&£4 JOE MILLER 
 
 guides, and considered a clever man in the ki; 
 edge of roads in England. Berthier, minister of 
 war, sent for him and began telling him, that the 
 expedition against England would shortly sail, 
 in three divisions, one to Dover, and others to 
 places adj acent ; that they would act separately, 
 and that the object of each would be to reach 
 London as soon as possible, when, of course, the 
 country would be conquered : "Now," says Berth- 
 ier, " how would you recommend me to go to 
 London from Dover ; recollect I wish to be there 
 as soon as possible? " — " Och, my dear," says 
 O'Leary, " take the mail-coach." 'Tis needless 
 to add, that poor O'Leary was disgraced. 
 
 535. — When the once celebrated Dr. Sheb- 
 beare was pilloried for a libel, a little ashamed 
 of his elevation, he hired an Irish chairman to 
 hold an umbrella over his head during the pain- 
 ful ceremony, and for this service the doctor re- 
 warded him with a guinea. Next day, the chair- 
 man called upon him, and hoped his honor was 
 well — began to hum ! and ha ! as if he had more 
 to say. The doctor, suspecting his drift, said, 
 " My friend, what do you want? I thought I 
 paid you yesterday very handsomely." — " To 
 be sure, now," said Pat, " and so you did for the 
 trouble; but please your honor, consider the dis- 
 grace." 
 
 536. — Ax Irishman one day found a light 
 guinea which he was obliged to sell for eighteen 
 shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying 
 in the street. " No, no," says he, " I'll have 
 
JOE MILLER 225 
 
 nothing to do with you, I lost three shillings by 
 3 T our brother yesterday." 
 
 537. — An Irishman maintained in company 
 that the sun did not make his revolution round 
 the earth : " But how then," said one to him, " is 
 it possible, that reaching the west, where he sets, 
 he be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass 
 underneath the globe ? " — " How puzzled you 
 are," replied this obstinate, ignorant man, " he 
 returns the same way ; and if it be r\pt perceived, 
 it is on account of his coming back by night." 
 
 538. — Rock, the comedian, when at Covent- 
 Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who 
 had met with an accident, to the plan of a sub- 
 scription ; and a few daj^s afterwards he asked 
 for the list of names, which, when he had read it 
 over, he returned. " Why, Rock," says the 
 poor fellow, "won't you give me something?" 
 — " Zounds, man," replied the other, " didn't I 
 give you the hint? " 
 
 539.^The celebrated bull of the Irish gentle- 
 man who abused a woman for having changed 
 him at nurse is not original. Sancho Panza 
 makes one perfectly similar. " Pray tell me, 
 squire," says the duchess, " is not your master 
 the person whose history is printed under the 
 name of the Sage Hidalgo Don Quixote de la 
 Mancha?" — "The very same, my lady," an- 
 swered Sancho, " and I myself am the very squire 
 of his, who is mentioned, or ought x o be men- 
 tioned, in that history, unless they have changed 
 me in the cradle." 
 
226 JOE MILLER 
 
 540. — Dr. Hunter, in his translation of Son- 
 nini's Travels in Egypt, informs his readers that 
 " at Malta, the ridges of the houses are flat ter- 
 races;" that, " at Rosetta, the inhabitants cut 
 the throats of their ducks, and in that situation 
 keep them alive with their wings broken." And 
 lastly, that " the Orientals never take a walk but 
 on horseback." 
 
 541. — An Irishman, angling in the rain, 
 was observed to keep his line under the arch of a 
 bridge ; upon being asked the reason he gave the 
 following answer : " To be sure, the fishes will 
 be after crowding there, in order to keep out of 
 the wet." 
 
 542. — The very ingenious and amiable Bishop 
 Berkeley, of Cloyne, in Ireland, was so entirely 
 contented within his income in that diocese, that 
 when offered by the late Earl of Chesterfield 
 (then Lord-lieutenant) a bishoprick much more 
 beneficial than that he possessed, he declined it 
 with these words : " I love my neighbors, and 
 they love me; why then should I begin, in my 
 old days, to form new connexions, and tear my- 
 self from those friends whose kindness is to me 
 the greatest happiness I can enjoy." Acting in 
 this instance like the celebrated Plutarch, who 
 being isked why he resided in his native city, 
 so obscure and so little, " I stay in it," cried he, 
 " lest it should grow less." 
 
 543. — A Gentleman passing through Hol- 
 born lost his watch, and advertised it, with a 
 reward of three guineas to the person who would 
 
JOE MILLER 227 
 
 bring it to him. Immediately after the appear- 
 ance of the advertisement, a tradesman, in the 
 neighbourhood of Holborn, came to the place to 
 which the finder had been directed, and gave the 
 following account of his getting the watch: — 
 He said that one evening, going to the butcher's 
 to buy some meat, the butcher observed a watch 
 hanging by the upper button of the skirt of his 
 coat, and asked him if he used to carry his watch 
 so. At that time he knew nothing of the watch 
 being there, but remembered passing through 
 a crowd in the street that evening. There is 
 no doubt that, in the pressure and scuffle, the 
 ribbon of the watch got entangled on the button. 
 544. — A Merchant in Jamaica, originally 
 from London, having acquired a handsome for- 
 tune in that island, concluded with himself he 
 could not be happy in the enjoyment of it unless 
 he shared it with a woman of merit ; and, know- 
 ing no one to his fancy, he resolved to write to 
 a worthy correspondent in London. He knew 
 no other style than that he used in his trade ; 
 therefore, treating affairs of love as he did his 
 business, after giving his friend, in a letter, sev- 
 eral commissions, and reserving this for the last, 
 he went on thus — " Item, Seeing that I have 
 taken a resolution to marry, and that I do not 
 find a suitable match for me here, do not fail 
 to send, by next ship bound hither, a young 
 woman, of the qualifications and form following. 
 As for a portion, I demand none ; let her be of 
 an honest family ; between twenty and twenty- 
 
228 JOE MILLER 
 
 five years of age ; of a middle stature, and well- 
 proportioned ; her face agreeable ; her temper 
 mild, her character blameless, her health good, 
 and her constitution strong enough to bear the 
 change of the climate, that there may be no occa- 
 sion to look out for a second, through lack of 
 the first soon after she comes to hand, which must 
 be provided against as much as possible, con- 
 sidering the great distance, and the dangers of 
 the sea. If she arrives, and conditioned as 
 abovesaid, with the present letter indorsed by 
 you, or at least an attested copy thereof, that 
 there may be no mistake or imposition, I hereby 
 oblige and engage myself to satisfy the said let- 
 ter by marrying the bearer at fifteen days' sight. 
 In witness whereof I subscribe this, &c." 
 
 The London correspondent, who read over and 
 over the odd article, which put the future spouse 
 on the same footing with a bale of goods, could 
 not help admiring the prudent exactness of the 
 merchant, and his laconic style, in enumerating 
 the qualifications which he insisted on ; he, how- 
 ever, endeavored to serve him to his mind ; and 
 after many inquiries, found a lady fit for his 
 purpose in a young person of a reputable family, 
 but no fortune, of good humour, and of a polite 
 education, well-shaped, and more than tolerably 
 handsome ; he made the proposal to her as 
 his friend had directed; and the young gentle- 
 woman, who had no subsistence but from a cross 
 old aunt, who gave her a great deal of uneasi- 
 ness, accepted it. A ship bound for Jamaica 
 
JOE MILLER 229 
 
 was then fitting out at Bristol; the gentlewoman 
 went on board the same, together with the bales 
 of goods, being well provided with all necessaries, 
 and particularly with a certificate in due form, 
 and indorsed by the correspondent. She was 
 also included in the invoice, the last article of 
 which ran thus — " Item: A maid of twenty-one 
 years of age, of the quality, shape, and condi- 
 tioned as per order; as appears by the affidavits 
 and certificates she has to produce." The writ- 
 ings which were thought necessary to so exact a 
 man as the future husband, were an extract of 
 the parish register ; a certificate of her character, 
 signed by the curate; an attestation of her 
 neighbours, setting forth that she had, for the 
 space of three years, lived with an old aunt, who 
 was intolerably peevish, and had not, during all 
 that time, given her said aunt the least occasion 
 of complaint ; and, lastly, the goodness of her 
 constitution was certified, after consultation, by 
 four eminent physicians. Before the gentle- 
 woman's departure, the London correspondent 
 sent several letters of advice, by other ships, to 
 his friend ; whereby he informed him that, per 
 such a ship, he sent him a young woman, of such 
 an age, character, and condition ; in a word, such 
 as he desired to marry. The letters of advice, 
 the bales, and the gentlewoman, came safe to 
 the port ; and the merchant, who happened to be 
 one of the foremost on the pier, at the lady's 
 landing, was charmed to see a handsome person, 
 who, having heard him called by his name, thus 
 
230 JOE MILLER 
 
 addressed him — " Sir, I have a bill of exchange 
 upon you ; and you know that it is not usual for 
 people to carry a great deal of money about 
 them in such a long voyage as I have now made ; 
 I beg the favour you will be pleased to pay it." 
 At the same time she gave him his correspondent's 
 letter, on the back of which was written, " The 
 bearer of this is the spouse you ordered me to 
 send you." — " Ha, madam ! "said the merchant, 
 " I never yet suffered my bills to be protested, 
 and I swear this shall not be the first: I shall 
 reckon myself the most fortunate of all men, if 
 you will allow me to discharge it." — " Yes, sir," 
 replied she ; " and the more willingly, since I am 
 apprised of your character. We had several 
 persons of honour on board who knew you very 
 well; and who, during my passage, have an- 
 swered all the questions I asked them concerning 
 you, in so advantageous a manner, that they have 
 raised in me a perfect esteem for you." This in- 
 terview was in a few days followed by the nup- 
 tials, which were very magnificent. The newly- 
 married couple were satisfied with their happy 
 union, made by a bill of exchange, which turned 
 out one of the most fortunate that had happened 
 in that island for many years. 
 
 545. — Atterbury, bishop of Rochester, when 
 a certain bill was brought into the House of 
 Lords, said among other things, " that he proph- 
 esied last winter this bill would be attempted in 
 the present session and he was sorry to find that 
 he had proved a true prophet." Lord Con- 
 
JOE MILLER 231 
 
 ingsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always 
 spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark 
 " that his Right Reverend friend had set him- 
 self forth as a prophet: but for his part he did 
 not know what prophet to liken him to unless to 
 that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved 
 by his own Ass." The bishop, in a reply, with 
 great wit and calmness, exposed this- rude attack, 
 concluding thus : " since the noble lord had dis- 
 covered in our manners such a similitude, I am 
 content to be compared to the prophet Balaam ; 
 but, m}^ lords, I am at a loss to make out the 
 other part of the parallel; where is the Ass? I 
 am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his 
 lordship." 
 
 546. — A Few days since, a gentleman in 
 Shropshire observed two sailors very busy in lift- 
 ing an ass over the wall of a pound, where it 
 was confined. On asking the reason, the tars, 
 with true humanity of character, made the fol- 
 lowing reply : — " Why, lookee, master, we saw 
 this here animal aground without grub, d'ye see, 
 and so my messmate and I agreed to cut his cable, 
 and set him adrift, because we have known, be- 
 fore now, what it is to be on short allowance" 
 
 547. — A Quaker and a Baptist travelling in 
 a stage-coach, the latter took every opportunity 
 of ridiculing the former on account of his re- 
 ligious profession. At length, they came to a 
 heath, where the body of a malefactor, lately 
 executed, was hanging in chains upon a gibbet. 
 " I wonder now," said the Baptist, " what re- 
 
232 JOE MILLER 
 
 ligion that man was of." — " Perhaps," replied 
 the Quaker, coldly, " he was a Baptist, and they 
 have hung him up to dry." 
 
 548. — " Lady Rachel is put to bed," said 
 Sir Bo}de to a friend. " What has she got? " — 
 "Guess?" "A boy."— "No; guess again?" 
 — " A girl."—" Who told you? " 
 
 549. — One of Sir Boyle Roche's children 
 asked him one da}^, " Who was the father of 
 George III. ? " " jVIt darling," he answered, 
 ** it was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would 
 have been George III. if he had lived." 
 
 550. — Dean Swift, having a shoulder of 
 mutton, too much done, brought up for his din- 
 ner, sent for the cook, and told her to take the 
 mutton down, and do it less. " Please your 
 honor, I cannot do it less." " But," said the 
 dean, " if it had not been done enough, you could 
 have done it more, could you not? " — " Oh, yes, 
 Sir, very easily." — " Why, then," said the dean, 
 " for the future, when you commit a fault, let 
 it be such a one as can be mended." 
 
 551. — The first time that Henderson, the 
 player, rehearsed a part at Drury-lane, George 
 Garrick came into the boxes, saying, as he en- 
 tered — " I only come as a Spectator." Soon 
 after, he made some objection to Henderson's 
 playing; and the new actor retorted — " Sir, I 
 thought you were only to be a Spectator; you 
 are turning Tatler." — " Never mind him, Sir," 
 said David Garrick, "never mind him: let him 
 be what he will, I will be the guardian." 
 
JOE MILLER 233 
 
 552. — Mr. Addison, though an elegant 
 writer, was too diffident of himself, ever to shine 
 as a public speaker. At the time of debating 
 the Union Act, in the House of Commons, he 
 rcse up, and, addressing himelf to the speaker, 
 said — " Mr. Speaker, I conceive " — he could go 
 no farther ; then rising again, he said — " Mr. 
 Speaker, I conceive " — still unable to proceed, 
 he sat down again. A third time, he arose, and 
 was still unable to say anything more than — 
 " Mr. Speaker, I conceive " — when a certain 
 young member, who was possessed of more ef- 
 frontery and volubility, arose, and said — " Mr. 
 Speaker, I am sorry to find that the honourable 
 gentleman over the way has conceived three 
 times, and brought forth nothing." 
 
 553. — Two Gentlemen, the other day, con- 
 versing together, one asked the other, if ever he 
 had gone through Euclid. The reply was — " I 
 have never been farther from Liverpool than 
 Runcorn, and I don't recollect any place of that 
 name between Liverpool and there." 
 
 554. — At a Courtmartiae on board the 
 Gladiator, at Portsmouth, a sailor, who was giv- 
 ing his evidence, was asked by the president what 
 religion he was of? He replied — " Please your 
 honour, Vm a European." This was spoken so 
 mumblingly, owing to a quid of tobacco he had 
 in his mouth, that the president, and, indeed, 
 most of the court, understood him to say — " Vm 
 of your opinion;"" but the question being re- 
 peated, he again answered — " Vm a European! " 
 
234 JOE MILLER 
 
 The strangeness of this reply convulsed the 
 whole court with laughter. 
 
 555. — Admiral Duncan's address to the offi- 
 cers who came on board his ship for instructions, 
 previous to the engagement with Admiral dc 
 Winter, was both laconic and humourous— " Gen- 
 tlemen, you see a severe winter approaching; I 
 have only to advise you to keep up a good fire." 
 
 556. — Sieur Boas (the sleight of hand man) 
 was accosted in the usual st} 7 le b} 7 a retailer of 
 oranges. " Well, my lad," says the sieur, " how 
 do you sell them? " — " Two-pence a piece, Sir," 
 quoth the man. " High-priced, indeed," re- 
 joined the deceiver; " however, we'll try them." 
 Cutting an orange into four pieces — " Behold," 
 says the sieur (producing a new guinea from 
 the inside of the orange), " how your fruit re- 
 pays me for your extortion. Come, I can afford 
 to purchase one more," and he repeated the same 
 experiment as with the first. " Well, to be 
 sure," says he, " they are the first fruit I ever 
 found to produce golden seeds." The sieur then 
 wished to come to terms for the whole basket ; 
 but the astonished clodpole, with joyous alacrity, 
 ran out of the house, and reaching home, began 
 to quarter the contents of the whole basket. But, 
 alas ! the seeds were no more than the produce 
 of nature — the conjuror alone possessing the 
 golden art. 
 
 557. — A Very Worthy, though not particu- 
 larly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd's, was con- 
 versing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, 
 
JOE MILLER 235 
 
 on the subject of a ship they had mutually in- 
 sured. His friend observed, " Do you know that 
 I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy." — 
 " The devil she is," said he ; " well, I am glad 
 that she has got into some port at last.' 1 '' 
 
 558. — The following riddle is said to be the 
 last production of Sheridan's witty pen : " Some- 
 times with a head, sometimes without a head ; 
 sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail ; 
 sometimes with head and tail, sometimes without 
 either; and yet equally perfect in all situations. 
 Answer — a wig." 
 
 559. — A Few years ago, one David Lloyd, a 
 Welshman, who kept an inn at Hereford, had 
 a living sow with six legs ; and the circumstance 
 being publicly known, great numbers, of all de- 
 scriptions, resorted to the house. It happened, 
 that David had a wife, who was much addicted 
 to drunkenness, and for which he used frequently 
 to bestow on her a very severe drubbing. One 
 day, in particular, having taken a second extra 
 cup, which operated in a very powerful manner, 
 and dreading the usual consequences, she went 
 into the yard, opened the stye-door, let out the 
 sow, and lay down in its place, hoping that a 
 short unmolested nap would sufficiently dispel the 
 fumes of the liquor. In the meantime, however, 
 a company arrived to see the much-talked-of 
 animal; and Davy, proud of his office, ushered 
 them to the stye, exclaiming — " Did any of you 
 ever see so uncommon a creature before? " — " In- 
 deed, Davy," said one of the farmers, " I never 
 
236 JOE MILLER 
 
 before observed a sow so very drunk in all my 
 life 1 " Hence the term, drunk as David's sow. 
 
 560. — Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the 
 man who has not anything to boast of but his 
 illustrious ancestors, is like a potato — the only 
 good belonging to him is under ground. 
 
 561. — Mr. Eyton passing through Speen- 
 hamland, observed a fellow placed in the stocks. 
 " My friend," said he, " I advise you by all 
 means to sell out." — " I should have no objec- 
 tion, your honour," he replied drily, " but at 
 present they seem much too low." 
 
 562. — When Brennan, the noted highway- 
 man, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity 
 drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded 
 with irons, who had long been a terror to the 
 country. Among others, was a banker, whose 
 notes at that time were not held in the highest 
 estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was 
 very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, 
 looking up, replied, " Ah, Sir ! I did not expect 
 that from you: for you know, that, when all the 
 country refused your notes, I took them." 
 
 563. — A Lady remarking to a bookseller that 
 she had just got Cr abbe's Tales, and thought 
 them excellent ; another lady heard the observa- 
 tion with astonishment, and, on the departure of 
 the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very 
 grave face, " if he could tell her how the crab's 
 tails were dressed, as she was very desirous of 
 tasting them." 
 
 564*. — A Gentleman staying late one night 
 
JOE MILLER 237 
 
 at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him 
 about twelve : " John," said he, " go home and 
 tell your mistress, it can be no more." The man 
 returned, by his mistress's order, again at one, 
 the answer then was " it could be no less." — 
 " But, Sir," said the man, " day has broke." — 
 " With all my heart," replied the master, " he 
 owes me nothing." — " But the sun is up, Sir." — 
 " And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? 
 He has farther to go than we have, I am sure" 
 
 565.- — Dominico, the harlequin, going to see 
 Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish 
 of partridges. The king, who was fond of his 
 acting, said. " Give that dish to Dominico." — 
 " And the partridges too, sire? " Louis, pene- 
 trating into the artfulness of the question, re- 
 plied, " and the partridges too." The dish was 
 gold. 
 
 566. — Curious Extract from the Log Book of 
 Thomas Parker, who lately died in America, 
 and who was an active Naval Officer during 
 the late War. 
 
 " First part of the voyage* pleasant, with 
 fine breezes and free winds — all sails set. Spoke 
 many vessels in want of provisions — supplied 
 them freely. 
 
 " Middle passage. — Weather variable — short 
 
 of provisions — spoke several of the above vessels 
 
 our supplies had enabled to refit — made signals 
 
 of distress — they up helm and bore away.f 
 
 * Alluding to the early part of his life. 
 t Those whom he had formerly befriended, now, in 
 his distress, refuse him assistance. 
 
238 JOE MILLER 
 
 " Later part. — Boisterous, with contrary 
 winds — current of adversity setting hard to lee- 
 ward — towards the end of the passage it cleared 
 up — with the quadrant of honesty had an ob- 
 servation — corrected and made up my reckoning 
 — and, after a passage of fifty years, came to in 
 Mortality Road, with the calm unruffled surface 
 of the Ocean of Eternity in View." 
 
 567. — A Welsh Curate having preached 
 several sermons, which were considered superior 
 to his own powers of composition, was asked, by 
 a friend, how he managed? He replied, " Do 
 you see, I have got a volume of sermons by one 
 Tillotson, and a very good book it is ; so I trans- 
 late one of the sermons into Welsh, and then back 
 again into English ; after which the devil himoelf 
 would not know it again." 
 
 568. — George IV., on hearing some one de- 
 clare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his 
 late life of that statesman, observed, " I won't 
 say that Mr. Moore has. murdered Sheridan, but 
 he has certainly attempted his life." 
 
 569. — The British Sailors had always been 
 accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or 
 rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those 
 under his command to mix it with water. This 
 innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and, 
 for a time, rendered the commander very unpop- 
 ular among them. The admiral, at that time, 
 wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nick- 
 named him, " Old Grog ; " hence by degrees, the 
 
JOE MILLER 239 
 
 mixed liquor he constrained them to, universally 
 obtained among them the name of Grog. 
 
 570. — A Foolish Stage-struck Youth ran 
 away from his friends, and got amongst a most 
 low and miserable set of strollers. A relation, 
 after a time, discovered him just as he was going 
 on the stage in King Richard; and, on reading 
 him a pretty severe lecture on his folly and dis- 
 obedience, received an answer suitable to all the 
 ridiculous consequences and assumed pomp of a 
 mock monarch. To which he answered, " These 
 are fine lofty words, but 'tis a great pity, Mr. 
 King Richard, that you could not afford to buy 
 a better pair of shoes." The actor, looking at 
 his toes, which were staring him in the face, with- 
 out losing his vivacity, cried, " Shoes ! O, Sir, 
 shoes are things we kings don't stand upon ! " 
 
 571. — A Schoolmaster asked one of his boys 
 on a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for 
 cold? The boy hesitated a little—" What, sir- 
 rah," said he, " cannot you tell? "— " Yes, yes," 
 replied the boy, " J have it at my -fingers' ends." 
 
 572. — While the Eddystone light-house was 
 erecting, a French privateer took the men upon 
 the rock, together with their tools, and carried 
 them to France ; and the captain was in expecta- 
 tion of a reward for the achievement. While the 
 captives lay in prison, the transaction reached the 
 ears of Louis XIV. when he immediately ordered 
 them to be released, and the captors put in their 
 places — declaring, that " though he was at war 
 with England, he was not so with all mankind." 
 
240 JOE MILLER 
 
 He directed the men to be sent back to their work, 
 with presents — observing, " that the Eddystone 
 light-house was so situated as to be of equal serv- 
 ice to all nations having occasion to navigate the 
 channel between England and France." 
 
 573. — A Dashing Foreman to a tailor in 
 Glasgow, having got a holiday to go to see his 
 majesty, and dining with a mixed company, 
 wished to impress those present with the immense 
 importance of his services to his employers. 
 " Though I say it, that should not say it," quoth 
 Snip, " if it was not for me our people could not 
 carry on their business." — " I can very well be- 
 lieve you," said one of the party, " I never yet 
 heard of a tailor who could carry on his business 
 without his goose." 
 
 574. — Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on 
 business till about eighty years of age. He was 
 one of the most celebrated characters in this 
 kingdom for punctuality, and by his methodical 
 conduct, joined to uniform diligence, he gradu- 
 ally amassed a large fortune. For a long series 
 of years, the proprietor of every inn he fre- 
 quented in Devon and Cornwall knew the day, 
 and the very hour he would arrive. A short 
 time before he died, a gentleman, on a journey in 
 Cornwall, stopped at a small inn at Port Isaac 
 to dine. The waiter presented him with a bill 
 of fare, which he did not approve of ; but observ- 
 ing a fine duck roasting, " I'll have that," said 
 the traveller. " You cannot, Sir," said the land- 
 lord, " it is for Mr. Scott, of Exeter."—" I know 
 
JOE MILLER 241 
 
 Mr. Scott very well," rejoined the gentleman, 
 " he is not in your house." — " True, Sir," said 
 the landlord, " but six months ago, when he was 
 here last, he ordered a duck to be ready for him 
 this day, precisely at two o'clock; " and, to the 
 astonishment of the traveller, he saw the old 
 gentleman on his Rosinante jugging into the inn 
 yard about five minutes before the appointed 
 time. 
 
 575. — A French Priest, who had usually a 
 very small audience, was one day preaching at 
 the church in his village, when, the doors being 
 open, a gander and several geese came stalking 
 up the middle aisle. The preacher, availing him- 
 self of the circumstance, observed, that he could 
 no longer find fault with his district for non- 
 attendance ; because, though they did not come 
 themselves, they sent their representatives. 
 
 576. — A Person who had resided for some 
 time on the coast of Africa, was asked if he 
 thought it possible to civilise the natives. " As 
 a proof of the possibility of it," said he, " I 
 have known some negroes that thought as little 
 of a lie or an oath as any European." 
 
 A modern writer of travels, records, that in 
 one of his peregrinations he traversed a wide ex- 
 tent of uncultivated regions, but at last per- 
 ceived a gibbet, " the sight of which," says he, 
 " gave me infinite pleasure, as it proved that I 
 was in a civilised country." 
 
 577. — One Evening at Oxford, Dr. Johnson 
 was present at a private party, when, among 
 
242 JOE MILLER 
 
 other topics, an essay on the future life in brutes 
 was mentioned, and a gentleman present was in- 
 clined to support the author's opinion, that the 
 lower animals have an " immortal part." He fa- 
 miliarly remarked to the doctor — " Really, Sir, 
 when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know 
 what to think of him." Upon which, Johnson, 
 turning quickly round, replied — " True, Sir ; 
 and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't 
 know what to think of him." 
 
 578. — A Person who dined in company with 
 Dr. Johnson, endeavoured to make his court to 
 him by laughing immoderately at everything he 
 said. The Doctor bore it for some time with 
 philosophical indifference; but the impertinent 
 ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, " Pray, Sir," 
 said the doctor, " what is the matter? I hope I 
 have not said anything that you can compre- 
 hend." 
 
 579. — An eminent carcass butcher, as meagre 
 in his person as he was in his understanding, 
 being one day in a bookseller's shop, took up a 
 volume of Churchill's poems, and by way of shew- 
 ing his taste, repeated the following line : — 
 
 " Who rules o'er freemen should himself be free." 
 
 Then turning to Dr. Johnson — " What think 
 you of that, Sir? " said he. " Rank nonsense," 
 replied the other, " it is an assertion without a 
 proof, and you might, with as much propriety, 
 say:- — 
 
 " Who slays fat oxen should himself be fat" 
 
JOE MILLER 243 
 
 580. — The following note was written by a 
 bookseller in Germany, to one of his authors : — 
 " I have just received half a dozen lean octavos, 
 which you must fatten up to as many quartos, 
 for the Leipsic fair. I send you a large quan- 
 tity of paste, and a new pair of scissors." 
 
 581. — Lately, a lady, bargaining for a had- 
 dock with a fisherman, inquired when the fish had 
 been caught? " This morning, madam," said the 
 owner of the haddock. " You lie," replied a 
 voice, which seemed to issue from the gills of one 
 of the fish ; "it is three days ago since I w r as 
 caught, and two days since you stole me from 
 Dick Potter; and I am now stinking." This 
 speech, which had been uttered by a celebrated 
 ventriloquist, who at that instant was passing by, 
 so amazed the lady, that she retired in terror, 
 and closed the hall-door as she withdrew into her 
 house, lest the speaking fish might enter with her. 
 
 582. — A Witness in the Court of King's 
 Bench, being cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, 
 that learned gentleman asked him, if he was not 
 a fortune-teller? " I am not," answered the wit- 
 ness ; " but if every one had his due, I should 
 have no difficulty in telling your fortune."-- 
 " Well, fellow ! " says Mr. Garrow, " pray w r hat 
 is to be my fortune? " — " Why, Sir," rejoined 
 the witness, " I understand you made your first 
 speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is prob- 
 able that you will there make your last speech." 
 
 583. — " Sancho," said a dying planter to his 
 slave, " for your faithful services, I mean now to 
 
244 JOE MILLER 
 
 do you an honour, and I leave it in my will that 
 you shall be buried in our family ground ! " — 
 "' Ah, massa. ! " replied Sancho, " Sancho no good 
 to be buried ; Sancho rather have de money or de 
 freedom; besides, if de devil should come in de 
 dark to look for massa, he might mistake, and 
 take de poor Negar man ! " 
 
 584. — A Gambler, on his death-bed, having 
 seriously taken leave of his physician, who told 
 him that he could not live beyond eight o'clock 
 next morning, exerted the small strength he had 
 left to call the doctor back ; which having accom- 
 plished with difficulty, for he could hardly ex- 
 ceed a whisper — " Doctor," said he, " I'll bet you 
 five guineas I live till nine." 
 
 585. — A Brandy Merchant, who had just 
 received intelligence of the failure of a house 
 which stood indebted to him upwards of five hun- 
 dred pounds for rum and brandy, coming into 
 company, appeared somewhat dejected, where- 
 upon, one of the gentlemen present asked him if 
 he was not well — " O, yes," replied another, 
 " he's very well, only he has lost his spirits ." 
 
 586. — A Certain Sea Captain, who had a 
 considerable interest with his brother officers, and 
 the cook aboard the vessel, were once to be tried 
 for an offence against the laws of the navy, of 
 such a nature as put their lives in some jeopardy. 
 The cook displayed every mark of fear and ap- 
 prehension for his safety. The captain, on the 
 contrary, seemed in very good spirits, and said, 
 " Cheer up, man, why should you be cast down ! 
 
 
JOE MILLER 245 
 
 I fear nothing, and why should you? " — " Why, 
 faith, y6ur honour," replied the fellow, " I should 
 be as courageous as you are, if we were to be tried 
 by a jury of cooks." 
 
 587. — An Irishman saw the sign of the Ris- 
 ing Sun near the Seven Dials, and underneath 
 was wrote, A. Moon, the man's name who kept it 
 being Aaron Moon. The Irishman thinking he 
 had discovered a just cause for triumph, roars 
 out to his companion, " Only see, Feilim ! see 
 here ! they talk of the Irish bulls ; only do but 
 see now ! here's a fellow puts up the Rising Sun, 
 and calls it A Moon." 
 
 588. — Two old ladies, who were known to be 
 of the same age, had the same desire to keep the 
 real number concealed ; one therefore used always 
 upon a New- Year's day to go to the other, and 
 say, " Madam, I am come to know how old we are 
 to be this year." 
 
 589. — When George Alexander Stevens was 
 a first actor in the Norwich company, he per- 
 formed the part of Horatio, in the " Fair Peni- 
 tent." The Calista was a Mrs. B , who had 
 
 been long the celebrated heroine in tragedy, and 
 the lady in high life in comedy. Mrs. B., in 
 her decline, sacrificed too often to the intoxicat- 
 ing god. In proportion as the action of the play 
 advanced towards a conclusion, by endeavouring 
 to raise her spirits with a cheerful glass, she be- 
 came totally unfit to represent the character. In 
 her last scene of Calista, it was so long before 
 she died, that George, after giving her several 
 
U6 JOE MILLEK 
 
 gentle hints, cried out, " Why don't you die, you 
 fool? " She retorted, as loud as she could, " You 
 robbed the Bristol mail, you dog ! " This spirited 
 dialogue so diverted the audience, that much 
 clapping ensued. The manager seeing no end 
 of this merry business, dropt the curtain, and put 
 an end to the tumult. 
 
 590. — The Emperor Charles V. having 
 one day lost himself in the heat of the chase, and 
 wandered in the forest far from his train, after 
 much fatigue in trying to find a route, came at 
 last to a solitary hedge ale-house, where he en- 
 tered to refresh himself. On coming in, he saw 
 four men, whose mien presaged him no good; 
 he however sat down and called for something. 
 These men pretending to sleep, one of them rose, 
 and, approaching the emperor, said, he had 
 dreamt that he took his hat: and accordingly 
 took it off. The second, saying, he had dreamt 
 he had taken his coat, took that also. The third, 
 with a like prologue, took his waistcoat. And 
 the fourth, with much politeness, said, he hoped 
 there would be no objection to his feeling his 
 pockets ; and seeing a chain of gold about his 
 neck, whence hung his hunting-horn, was about 
 to take that too. But the emperor said, " Stop, 
 my friend, I dare say you cannot blow it ; I will 
 teach you." So putting the horn to his mouth, 
 he blew repeatedly, and very loud. His people, 
 who searched for him, heard the sound, and, en- 
 tering the cottage, were surprised to see him in 
 such a garb. " Here are four fellows," said the 
 
JOE MILLER 247 
 
 emperor, " who have dreamt what they please : 
 I must also dream in • my turn." Sitting down, 
 and shutting his eyes a little while, he then 
 started up, saying, " I have dreamt that I saw 
 four thieves hanged ; " and immediately ordered 
 his dream to be fulfilled, the master of the inn 
 being compelled to be their executioner. 
 
 591. — During the reign of James II., when 
 the king was much disliked for his oppression, 
 and the number of taxes imposed on the people, 
 his majesty, in the progress of a tour, stopt at 
 Sudbury, in Suffolk, when the corporation re- 
 solved to address him ; but, as the mayor did not 
 possess much literature, it w r as settled that the 
 town clerk should be his prompter. Being in- 
 troduced to the presence, the town-clerk whis- 
 pered to the trembling mayor, " Hold up your 
 head, and look like a man." His worship, mis- 
 taking this for the beginning of a speech, re- 
 peated aloud to the king, " Hold up your head, 
 and look like a man." The town clerk, in amaze, 
 again whispered him, " What do you mean by 
 this, Sir? " The mayor, in the same manner, 
 repeated, "What do you mean by this, Sir?" 
 The town-clerk, alarmed, whispered still more 
 earnestly, " I tell you, Sir, you'll ruin us all." 
 The mayor, still imagining this to be part of his 
 speech, concluded his matchless performance 
 with, " / tell you, Sir, you'll ruin us all." 
 
 592. — That sort of rhetoric is best which is 
 most reasonable and catching. An instance we 
 have in that old commander at Cadiz, who proved 
 
M8 JOE MILLER 
 
 a good orator. Being to say something to his 
 soldiers (which he was not used to do), he made 
 them a speech to this purpose : " What a shame 
 would it be, you Englishmen, that feed upon 
 good beef and beer, to let those rascally Span- 
 iards beat you, that eat nothing but oranges and 
 lemons." And thus he put more courage into 
 his men than he could have done by a learned 
 oration. 
 
 593. — A Poor Woman, understanding that 
 Dr. Goldsmith was a physician, and hearing of 
 his great humanity, solicited him, by letter, to 
 send her something for her husband, who had 
 lost his appetite, and was reduced to a most mel- 
 ancholy state. The good-natured poet waited on 
 her instantly, and, after some discourse with his 
 patient, found him sinking with sickness and 
 poverty. The doctor told the honest pair that 
 they should hear from him in an hour, when he 
 would send him some pills, which he believed 
 would prove efficacious. He immediately went 
 home, and put ten guineas into a chip-box, with 
 the following label : " These must be used as ne- 
 cessities require; be patient, and of good heart." 
 He sent his servant with this prescription to the 
 comfortless mourner, who found it contained a 
 remedy superior to anything Galen, or his dis- 
 ciples, could ever administer. 
 
 594. — " What have you got to say, old 
 B aeon-face? " said a counsellor to a farmer, at a 
 late Cambridge Assizes. " Why," answered the 
 farmer, " I am thinking my Bacon-face and 
 
 
JOE MILLER 249 
 
 your Calfs-head would make a very good 
 dish ! " 
 
 595. — The late celebrated penurious H. Jen- 
 nings, Esq., of Acton Place, who was reputed to 
 be the richest commoner in England, when at 
 the age of 92, was applied to by one of his ten- 
 ants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew 
 his lease for a further term of 14 years, when, 
 after some general observations, Mr. Jennings 
 coolly said, " Take a lease for 21 years, or you 
 will be troubling me again! " and this was ac- 
 cordingly granted. 
 
 596. — The Hibernian Schoolmaster, set- 
 tled in a village near London, who advertised 
 that he intended to keep a Sunday school twice 
 a week, Tuesday and Thursday, reminds us of 
 the mock mayor of a place in the west, who de- 
 clared, on his election, that he was resolved to 
 hold his quarter-sessions monthly. 
 
 597. — An'ro Gemmle, was called the " King 
 of the beggars," and was very fond of playing 
 off little jeuoc d'esprits of his own formation. 
 Once, as a priest was going to his church, he 
 espied An'ro on the road, seemingly in the most 
 profound meditation, pondering deeply," with 
 leaden eye that loves the ground," on something 
 lying in the way, and stepping seriously round 
 it. The clergyman came up, and said — " Well, 
 An'ro, what's this that seems to be puzzling you 
 so? For my part I see nothing but a horseshoe 
 on the road." — " Dear me," returned the Gaber- 
 lunzie, with uplifted hands, " what disna that 
 
250 JOE MILLER 
 
 lair do — I ha'e glour'd at that shoe now the part 
 o' hauf an hour, and deil take me gif I could say 
 whether it was a horse-shoe or a mare-shoe." 
 This is Walter Scott's Eddie Ochiltree. 
 
 598. — The late General Scott, so celebrated 
 for his success in gaming, was one evening play- 
 ing very deep with the Count D'Artois and the 
 Duke de Chartres, at Paris, when a petition was 
 brought up from the widow of a French officer, 
 stating her various misfortunes, and praying re- 
 lief ; a plate was handed round, and each person 
 put in one, two, or three louis d'ors ; but when 
 it was held to the general, who was going to 
 throw for a stake of 500 louis d'ors, he said — 
 " Stop a moment, if you please, Sir, here goes 
 for the widow ! " The throw was successful, 
 and he instantly swept the whole into the plate, 
 and sent it down to the astonished petitioner. 
 
 599.— A Philadelphia Paper relates the fol- 
 lowing laughable occurrence : — A prisoner, at 
 the bar at the Mayor's Court, in that city, being 
 called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, 
 was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. 
 The man immediately held up his left hand. 
 " Hold up your right hand," said the clerk. 
 " Please your honour," said the culprit, still 
 keeping up his left hand, " I am left-handed." 
 
 600. — Soon after Lord Kenyon was appointed 
 Master of the llolls, he was listening very at- 
 tentively to a 3 r oung clerk, who, reading to him, 
 before a number of gentlemen of the long robe, 
 the conveyances of an estate, and on coming tq 
 
JOE MILLER 251 
 
 the word enough, pronounced it enow. His 
 lordship immediately interrupted him — " Hold ! 
 hold ! you must stand corrected ; e-n-o-u-g-h is, 
 according to the vernacular custom, pronounced 
 enuff, and so must all other English words, which 
 terminate in o-u-g-h, as, for example, tough, 
 rough, cough, &c." The clerk bowed, blushed, 
 and went on for some time; when coming to the 
 word plough, he, with a loud voice, and a pene- 
 trating look at his honour, called it pluff! The 
 great lawyer stroked his chin, and, with a 
 smile, candidly said — " Young man, / sit cor- 
 rected." 
 
 601. — In the Year 1797, when democratic 
 notions ran high, it may be remembered that the 
 king's coach was attacked as his majesty was 
 going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hi- 
 bernian, on that occasion, was conspicuously 
 loyal in repelling the mob. Soon after, to his 
 no small surprise, he received a message from 
 Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, 
 and met with a gracious reception from the great 
 man, who, after prefacing a few encomiums on 
 his active loyalty, desired to point out any way 
 in which he would wish to be advanced, his ma- 
 jesty having particularly noticed his courageous 
 conduct, and being desirous to reward it. Pat 
 scratched and scraped for a while, half thunder- 
 struck — " The devil take me if I know what I'm 
 fit for." — " Nay, my goad fellow," cried Harry, 
 " think a moment, and dinna throw yoursel out 
 o' the way o' fortun." Pat hesitated a moment, 
 
Zm, JOE MILLER 
 
 smirking as if some odd idea had strayed into 
 his noddle — " I'll tell you what, mister, make a 
 Scotchman of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll 
 be no fear of my getting on." The minister 
 gazed awhile at the mat apropos wit — " Make a 
 Scotchman of you, Sir, that's impossible, for I 
 can't give you prudence." 
 
 602. — Dr. Burney, who wrote the celebrated 
 anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the 
 Nile, " Honcr est a Nilo " (Horatio Nelson), 
 was shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at 
 his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual 
 absence of mind, he neglected to put a night cap 
 into his portmanteau, and consequently borrowed 
 one from his lordship. Previously to his retiring 
 to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common 
 practice, having first put on the cap, and was 
 shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames ; 
 he immediately collected the burnt remains, and 
 returned them, with the following lines: — 
 
 Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, 
 
 I would not retain it a minute; 
 What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire, 
 
 Is sure to be instantly in it. 
 
 603. — The celebrated Dr. Ward was not 
 more remarkable for his humanity and skill, than 
 wit and humour. An old woman, to whom he 
 had administered some medicines proper for a 
 disorder under which she labored, applied to him, 
 with a complaint that^she had not experienced 
 any kind of effect from taking them. " No 
 effect at all? " says the doctor. " None in the 
 
JOE MILLER. 253 
 
 least," replies the woman. "*Why then you 
 should have taken a bumping glass of gin." — 
 " So I did, Sir."— " Well, but when you found 
 that did not succeed, you should have taken 
 another." — " So I did, Sir, and another after 
 that." — " Oh, you did," says the doctor ; " aye, 
 it is just as I imagined; you complain that you 
 found no effect in my prescription, after you 
 confess yourself, that you swallowed gin enough 
 to counteract any medicine in the whole system 
 of physic." 
 
 604. — A Beauish Marquis waited on some 
 ladies, in order to take them to the Paris Observa- 
 tory where the celebrated Cassini was to observe 
 an eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party 
 had been delayed by the toilet; and the eclipse 
 was over when the petit-maitre appeared at the 
 door. He was informed he had come too late, 
 and that all was past. " Never mind, ladies," 
 said he, " step up ; Monsieur Cassini is a particu- 
 lar friend of mine ; he will be so obliging as to 
 begin again for me." 
 
 605.- — Some time ago Mr. , a most re- 
 spectable tradesman of Birmingham, discovered 
 that his son, a boy of five years of age, was ac- 
 customed to ask those gentlemen who came to 
 his house to give him money, and immediate!^ 
 extorted a promise from him, under a threat of 
 correction, that he would not do so any more. 
 
 The next day Mr. , his father's partner, 
 
 called, and the boy evaded a breach of his prom- 
 ise, by saying, " Friend P., do thee know any 
 
254 JJOE MILLER 
 
 who would lend -me a penny, and not require it 
 of me again? " 
 
 606. — A Stupid Person on day seeing a man 
 of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, 
 said — " So, Sir, philosophers I see can indulge 
 in the greatest delicacies." — " Why not," replied 
 the other, " do you think providence intended all 
 the good things for the ignorant? " 
 
 607. — A Girl forced by her parents into a 
 disagreeable match with an old man whom she 
 detested, when the clergyman came to that part 
 of the service where the bride is asked if she con- 
 sents to take the bridegroom for her husband, 
 said, with great simplicity — " Oh dear, no, Sir ; 
 but you are the first person who has asked my 
 opinion about the matter." 
 
 608. — It was said of a great caluminator, 
 and a frequenter of other persons' tables, that 
 he never opened his mouth but at another man's 
 expense. 
 
 609. — A Fire happening, not long since, at 
 a public house, a man passing at the time en- 
 treated one of the firemen to play the engine 
 upon a particular door, and backed his request 
 by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman conse- 
 quently complied, upon which the arch rogue ex- 
 claimed — " You've done what I never could do 
 — for, egad, you've liquidated my score! " 
 
 610. — Soon after the conclusion of the French 
 war in Queen Elizabeth's time, a young pert offi- 
 cer, who had been but lately enlisted in the ser- 
 vice, came to the ordinary at the Black Horse 
 
JOE MILLER 255 
 
 Inn, Holborn, where Major Johnston, a brave, 
 rough, old Scotch officer, and one that feared the 
 Lord, usually dined. The young gentleman, 
 while at dinner, was venting some new fangled 
 notions, and speaking, in the gaiety of his hu- 
 mour, against the dispensations of Providence, 
 when the major, at first, only desired him to speak 
 more respectfully of one for whom all the com- 
 pany had an honour; but finding him run on in 
 his extravagance, began to reprimand him in a 
 more serious manner. " Young man," said he, 
 " do not abuse your benefactor whilst you are 
 eating his bread. Consider whose air you 
 breathe, whose presence you are in, and who it 
 is that gave you the power of that very speech 
 which you make use of to his dishonour." The 
 young fellow, who thought to turn matters into 
 a jest, asked him if he was going to preach; but 
 at the same time desired him to take care what 
 ht said when he spoke to a man of honour. " A 
 man of honour," said the major, " thou art an 
 infidel and a blasphemer, and I shall use thee as 
 such." In short, the quarrel ran so high, that 
 the young officer challenged the major. Upon 
 their coming into the garden, the old fellow ad- 
 vised his antagonist to consider the place into 
 which one pass might plunge him ; but on finding 
 him to grow upon him to a degree of scurrility, 
 as believing the advice proceeded from fear — 
 " Sirrah," said he, " if a thunderbolt does not 
 strike thee dead before I come at thee, I shall not 
 fail to chastise thee for thy prof aneness to thy 
 
256 JOE MILLER 
 
 Maker, and thy sauciness to his servant." Upon 
 this he drew his sword, and cried out with a loud 
 voice — " The sword of the Lord and of Gideon ! " 
 which so terrified his antagonist, that he was im- 
 mediately disarmed, and thrown upon his knees. 
 In this posture he begged his life, but the major 
 refused to grant it, before he asked pardon in 
 a short extemporary prayer, which the old gen- 
 tleman dictated upon the spot, and which his 
 proselyte repeated to him in the presence of the 
 whole ordinary that were then gathered about 
 them in the garden, to their no small diver- 
 sion. 
 
 611. — Munden, when confined to his bed by 
 the gout, and unable to put his feet to the 
 ground, being told by a friend that his dignified 
 indisposition was the laugh of the Green room, 
 pleasantty replied — " Though I love to laugh, 
 and make others laugh, yet I would much rather 
 they would make me a standing joke." 
 
 612. — It is well known that the veterans who 
 preside at the examinations of surgeons, ques- 
 tion minutely those who wish to become qualified. 
 After answering very satisfactorily to the nu- 
 merous inquiries made, a young gentleman was 
 asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse 
 perspiration what he would prescribe. He men- 
 tioned many diaphoric medicines in case the first 
 failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus con- 
 tinued — " Pray, Sir, suppose none of those suc- 
 ceeded, what step would you take next? " 
 " Why, Sir," enjoined the enraged and harassed 
 
JOE MILLER 257 
 
 young Esculapius, " I would send him here to 
 be examined; and if that did not give him a 
 sweat, I do not know what would." 
 
 613. — A Learned Doctor being very busy 
 in his study, a little girl came to ask him for 
 some fire. " But, says the doctor, " you have 
 nothing to take it in." As he was going to fetch 
 something for that purpose, the little girl 
 stooped down at the fireplace, and taking some 
 cold ashes in one hand, she put live embers on 
 them with the other. The astonished doctor 
 threw down his books, saying — " With all my 
 learning, I should never have found out that 
 expedient." 
 
 614. — The Late Lord Clonmel, who never 
 thought of demanding more than a shilling for 
 an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it 
 was a good one. In his time the Birmingham 
 shillings were current, and he used the following 
 extraordinary precaution to avoid being imposed 
 upon, by taking a bad one — " You shall true 
 answer make to such questions as shall be de- 
 manded of you, touching this affidavit, so help 
 you God ! Kiss the book — Is this a good shil- 
 ling? Are the contents of this affidavit true? 
 Is this your name and hand-writing? " 
 
 615. — A Chimney Sweeper's Boy went into 
 a baker's shop for a two-penny loaf and conceiv- 
 ing it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the 
 baker that he did not believe it was weight. 
 " Never mind that," said the man of dough, 
 " you will have the less to carry." " True," re- 
 
258 JOE MILLER 
 
 plied the lad, and throwing three half-pence on 
 the counter left the shop. The baker called after 
 him that he had not left money enough. " Never 
 mind that," said young sooty, " you will have 
 the less to count." 
 
 616. — When Mr. Sheridan first stood for 
 Stafford, he made abundant promises to procure 
 places for such electors as would vote for him; 
 and, wonderful to relate! he kept his word, for 
 numbers of them were appointed to offices in 
 Drury-lane theatre and the opera house. By 
 this munificence he gained his election; but in a 
 very short time he found opportunities to oblige 
 new friends, most of the others being obliged to 
 relinquish their situations from receiving no 
 fay. 
 
 617. — The Late Duke of Devonshire, 
 who used to leave Brookes's, regularly, at a very 
 late hour, in passing by the stall of a cobbler 
 at the end of Jermyn-street, on his way home, 
 always wished the cobbler a " good night ;" 
 which the cobbler as regularly returned by wish- 
 ing his grace a " gcod morning ! " 
 
 618. — Lord Kames used to relate a story of 
 a man, who claimed the honour of his acquaint- 
 ance on rather singular grounds. His lord- 
 ship, when one of the justiciary judges, re- 
 turning from the north circuit to Perth, hap- 
 pened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next 
 morning, walking towards the ferry, but appre- 
 hending he had missed his way, he asked a man 
 whom he met to conduct him. The other an- 
 
JOE MILLER 259 
 
 swered, with much cordiality — " That I will do 
 with all my heart, my lord ; does not your lord- 
 ship remember me? My name 's John ; I 
 
 have had the honour to be before your lordship 
 for stealing sheep ! "—*-" Oh, John, I remember 
 you well; and how is your wife? she had the 
 honour to be before me too, for receiving them, 
 knowing them to be stolen." — " At your lord- 
 ship's service. We were very lucky, we got off 
 for want of evidence ; and I am still going on in 
 the butcher trade." — " Then," replied his lord- 
 ship, " we may have the honour of meeting 
 again." 
 
 619. — A Fortune-teller was arrested at 
 his theatre of divination, al fresco, at the corner 
 of the Rue de Bussy, in Paris, and carried be- 
 fore the tribunal of correctional police. " You 
 know how to read the future? " said the presi- 
 dent, a man of great wit, but too fond of a 
 joke for a magistrate. " I do, M. le President," 
 replied the sorcerer. " In this case," said the 
 judge, " you know the judgment we intend to 
 pronounce? " — " Certainly." — " Well, what will 
 happen to you? " — " Nothing." — " You are 
 sure of it?" — "You will acquit me." — "Ac- 
 quit you? "— " There is no doubt of it." — 
 " Why ? " — " Because, Sir, if it had been your 
 intention to condemn me, you would not have 
 added irony to misfortune." The president, 
 disconcerted, turned to his brother judges, and 
 the sorcerer was acquitted. 
 
 620. — Some tvne ago, as a lady, who pos- 
 
260 JOE MILLER 
 
 sessed great personal charms, was walking along 
 a narrow lane, she perceived just behind her a 
 hawker of earthenware driving an ass with two 
 panniers laden with his stock in trade. To give 
 the animal and his master room to pass, the lad}' 
 suddenly started aside, which so frightened the 
 poor animal that he ran away, but had not pro- 
 ceeded far when he unfortunately fell, and a 
 great part of the crockery was broken to pieces. 
 The lady in her turn became alarmed, lest, when 
 she came up to the man, he should load her with 
 abuse, if not offer to insult her : but, to her sur- 
 prise, when she arrived at the spot, the man, with 
 great good humour, gallantry, and wit, ex- 
 claimed — " Never mind, madam, Balaam's ass 
 was frightened by an angel ! " 
 
 621. — Cxe morning a party came into the 
 public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than 
 usual, and requested some tongue. They were 
 told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. " I am 
 very angry with his lordship," said a lady, loud 
 enough for him to hear the observation. " I am 
 sorry for it, madam," retorted Lord Byron, 
 ;; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you 
 did not want it." 
 
 622. — Me. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet 
 dinner on the energy and beauty of the Latin 
 language. In support of the superiority which 
 he affirmed it to have over the English, he as- 
 serted, that two negatives made a thing more 
 positive than one affirmative possibly could. 
 " Then," said Thurlow, " your father and 
 
JOE MILLER 261 
 
 mother must have been two complete negatives, 
 to make such a positive fellow as you are." 
 
 623. — It was with as much delicacy as satire, 
 that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a 
 friend, the answer, " That it would be read, when 
 Llomer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till 
 then." 
 
 624. — Sheridan inquiring of his son what 
 side of politics he should espouse on his inaug- 
 uration to St. Stephen's chapel; the son replied, 
 that he intended to vote for those who offered 
 best, and that in consequence he should wear on 
 his forehead a label, " To let ; " to which the 
 facetious critic rejoined, " I suppose, Tom, you 
 mean to add, unfurnished." 
 
 625. — On Mr. H. Erskine's receiving his ap- 
 pointment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary 
 in Scotland he exclaimed that he must go and 
 order his silk robe. " Never mind," said Mr. 
 Dundas, " for the short time you will want it 
 you had better borrow mine ! " — " No ! " replied 
 Erskine, " how short a time soever I may need 
 it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by 
 adopting the abandoned habits of my prede- 
 cessor." 
 
 626. — Lord B who sports a ferocious 
 
 pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connel in Dub- 
 lin, the latter said, " When do you mean to 
 place your whiskers on the peace establish- 
 ment? " — " When you place your tongue on the 
 civil list? " was the witty rejoinder. 
 
 627. — A Friend made Garrick a present of 
 
262 JOE MILLER 
 
 a case that contained a razor, a strap, and a 
 shaving box ; and telling him that he would find 
 some other pretty little things in it. " I hope," 
 said Garrick, "as I cannot shave myself, that 
 one of them is a pretty little barber." 
 
 628. — David Garrick was once on a visit at 
 Mr. Rigby's seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. 
 Gough formed one of the party. Observing the 
 potent appetite of the learned Doctor, Garrick 
 indulged in some coarse jests on the occasion, to 
 to the great amusement of the company, the Doc- 
 tor excepted ; who, when the laugh had subsided, 
 thus addressed the party : " Gentlemen, you must 
 doubtless suppose from the extreme familiarity 
 with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat 
 me, that I am an acquaintance of his ; but I can 
 assure you, that, till I met him here, I never saw 
 him but once before, and then I paid five shil- 
 lings for the sight." Roscius was silent. 
 
 629. — The Late Duke of Norfoek was re- 
 markably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade 
 night, he consulted Foote as to what character 
 he should appear in. " Don't go disguised," 
 said Foote, " but assume a new character ; go 
 sober " 
 
 630. — As Burke was declaiming with great 
 animation against Hastings, he was interrupted 
 by little Major Scott. " Am I," said he, indig- 
 nantly, " to be teazed by the barking of this 
 jackal, while I am attacking the royal tiger of 
 Bengal." 
 
 631. — There is a celebrated reply of Mr. 
 
JOE MILLER 263 
 
 Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly 
 exclaimed at one of his legal positions, " O ! if 
 that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law 
 books ! " — " Better read them, my lord," was 
 the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder. 
 
 632. — Dean Swift, among other eccentrici- 
 ties, determined upon having a feast once a year, 
 in imitation of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. 
 In this project he engaged several persons of 
 rank, and his plan was put in execution at the 
 deanery-house. When all the servants were 
 seated, and every gentleman placed behind his 
 own servant, the Dean's footman, who presided, 
 found fault with some meat which was not done 
 to his taste; and imitating his master on such 
 occasions, threw it at him. But the Dean was 
 either so mortified by the reproof, or so pro- 
 voked at the insult, that he flew into a violent 
 passion, beat the fellow, and dispersed the whole 
 assembly. — Thus abruptly terminated the 
 Dean's Saturnalia. 
 
 633. — A Gentleman, at whose house Swift 
 was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced 
 remarkably small hock glasses, and at length 
 turning to Swift addressed him,- — " Mr. Dean, 
 I shall be happy to take a glass of hie, hsec, hoc, 
 with you." — " Sir, rejoined the Doctor, " I shall 
 be happy to comply, but it must be out of a 
 hujus glass." 
 
 634. — Dean Swift having preached an as- 
 size sermon in Ireland, was invited to dine with 
 the judges; and having in his sermon considered 
 
264 JOE MILLER 
 
 the use and abuse of the law, he then pressed a 
 little hard upon those counsellors, who plead 
 causes, which they knew in their consciences to 
 be wrong. When dinner was over, and the glass 
 began to go round, a young barrister retorted 
 upon the dean; and after several altercations, 
 the counsellor asked him, " If the devil were to 
 die, whether a parson might not be found, who, 
 for money, would preach his funeral sermon ! " 
 — " Yes," said Swift, " I would gladly be the 
 man, and I would then give the devil his due, as 
 I have this day done his children." 
 
 635. — Swift greatly admired the talents of 
 the late Duke of Wharton; and hearing him, 
 one day, recount many of his frolics, " Ah, my 
 lord," said he, " you have had many frolics : but 
 let me recommend one more to you, Take a frolic 
 to be virtuous. — I assure you it will do you more 
 honour than all the rest." 
 
 636. — A Dispute happening to turn upon 
 the origin of whiggism, Dr. Johnson trium- 
 phantly challenged Dr. Crowe to tell him who 
 was the first whig; the latter finding himself a 
 little puzzled, Johnson tauntingly rejoined, " I 
 see, Sir, that you are even ignorant of the head 
 of your own party, but I will tell you, Sir; the 
 devil was the first whig ; he was the first re- 
 former; he wanted to set up a reform even in 
 heaven ! " Dr. Crowe calmly replied, " I am 
 much obliged to you for your information, and 
 I certainly did not foresee that you would go so 
 far back for your authority." 
 
JOE MILLER 265 
 
 637. — Dr. Robertson observed, that John- 
 son's jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, 
 described in scripture as being like excellent oil. 
 " Yes," exclaimed Burke, " oil of vitriol ! " 
 
 638. — Foote being in company, and the 
 " Tuscan grape " producing more riot than con- 
 cord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in 
 debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's 
 head, upon which, catching the missile in his 
 hand, he restored the harmony of the company, 
 by observing that " if the bottle was passed 
 so quickly, not one of them would be able to 
 stand out the evening." 
 
 639. — When the repeal of the Test Act was 
 agitated in the house, a deputation from the Dis- 
 senters waited on Lord Thurlow to solicit his 
 vote, he listened to a long harangue with much 
 patience ; when it was finished, he rose up, and 
 addressed them, — " Gentlemen, you have called 
 on me to request my vote for the repeal of the 
 Test Act. Gentlemen, I shall not vote for the 
 repeal of the 'Test Act. I care not whether your 
 religion has the ascendancy, or mine, or any, or 
 none; but this I know, that when you were up- 
 permost, you kept us down, and now that we are 
 uppermost, with God's help, we will keep you 
 down." 
 
 640. — Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady 
 Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he 
 was the author of Junius. The poet approached 
 the knight, " Will you, Sir Bhilip, — will your 
 kindness excuse my addressing to you a single 
 
266 JOE MILLER 
 
 question?" — "At your peril, Sir!" was the 
 harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated 
 bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked 
 him the result of his application. " I don't 
 know," he answered, " whether he is Junius ; but, 
 if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus." 
 
 641. — On the Duke of York's horse Moses 
 winning a match at Ascot, his royal highness ap- 
 peared to look very thoughtful. A spectator 
 asked Mr. Hunt, who happened to be present, 
 what he supposed the royal sportsman could 
 then be pondering on? " Why, you know," re- 
 plied Mr. H. " that the duke is a bishop, and he 
 is doubtless thinking of Moses and the profits." 
 
 642. — A Corsican, the leader of a gang of 
 banditti, who had long been famous for his ex- 
 ploits, was at length taken, and committed to the 
 care of a soldier, from whom he contrived to es- 
 cape. The soldier was tried, and condemned to 
 death. At the place of execution, a man, coming 
 up to the commanding officer, said — " Sir, I am 
 a stranger to you, but you shall soon know who 
 I am ; I have heard that one of your soldiers is 
 to die for having suffered a prisoner to escape 
 — he was not at all to blame — besides, the pris- 
 oner shall be restored to you. Behold him here, 
 I am the man. I cannot bear that an innocent 
 man should be punished for me, and I am come 
 to die myself." — " No," cried the French officer, 
 who felt as he ought the sublimity of the action, 
 " thou shalt not die, and the soldier shall be set 
 at liberty. Endeavour to reap the fruits of thy 
 
JOE MILLER 267 
 
 generosity ; thou deservest to be henceforth an 
 honest man." 
 
 643. — Whiston was a pensioner of Queen 
 Caroline, who sometimes admitted him to the 
 honour of her conversation, and paid the pension 
 with her own hands. One day, she said to him 
 — " Mr. Whiston, I understand you are a free 
 speaker, and honestly tell people of their faults ; 
 no one is without faults, and I wish you would 
 tell me of mine ; " and she pressed him to do so. 
 He was still upon the reserve ; she pressed him 
 the more. " Well," said he, "since your ma- 
 jesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There 
 are an abundance of people who come out of the 
 country, every spring, to London, and they na- 
 turally desire to see the king and queen, and 
 have not any opportunity of seeing your ma- 
 j esties so conveniently as at the Chapel Royal ; 
 but these country folks, who are not used to 
 such things, when they see your majesty talking 
 with the king almost all the time of divine serv- 
 ice, are perfectly astonished, and depart, with 
 strange impressions, into their respective coun- 
 tries, and make their reports there (let me tell 
 you) not at all to your majesty's honour." — 
 " I am sorry for it," answered the queen ; " I 
 believe there may be too much truth in what you 
 say ; but pray, Mr. Whiston, tell me of another 
 fault." — " No, madam," said he, " one at a 
 time; let me see you mend of this before I tell 
 you of another." 
 
 644. — The Haughty Solyman, Emperor of 
 
268 JOE MILLER 
 
 the Turks, in his attack on Hungary, took the 
 city of Belgrade, which was considered as the 
 bulwark of Christendom. After this important 
 conquest, a woman of low rank approached him, 
 and complained bitterly, that some of his soldiers 
 had carried off her cattle, in which consisted her 
 sole wealth. " You must then have been in a 
 deep sleep," said Solyman, smiling, " if you did 
 not hear the robbers." — " Yes, my sovereign," 
 replied the woman, " I did sleep soundly, but it 
 was in the fullest confidence that your highness 
 watched for the public safety." The emperor, 
 who had an elevated mind, far from resenting 
 this freedom, made the poor woman ample 
 amends for the loss she had sustained. 
 
 64<5. — In a country news-room, the following 
 notice is written over the chimney : — " Gentle- 
 men learning to spell are requested to use yes- 
 terday's paper ! " 
 
 6^6. — About the year 1762, a colonel in com- 
 mand in the West-Indies, was ordered to disem- 
 bark his corps for the attack of one of the 
 islands. In stepping into a boat, he fell over- 
 board, and the current was carrying him rapidly 
 from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after 
 him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched 
 to his assistance, and put him on board again 
 in safety. One of Jack's messmates, having ob- 
 served the colonel prt something into the hands 
 of his deliverer, stepped up to him and exclaimed 
 — " Damme, Jack, you're in luck to-day, aye ! " 
 and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least 
 
JOE MILLER 269 
 
 to share in a can of grog; but, on discovering 
 the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered 
 a prayer, and whispered his messmate — " Never 
 mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his 
 life best." 
 
 647. — A West-Indian, who had a remark- 
 ably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro- 
 boy, who was in waiting, observed a mosquito 
 hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect 
 very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon 
 his master's nose, and immediately fly off again. 
 — " Ah ! " exclaimed the negro, " me glad to see 
 you burn your foot." 
 
 648. — In the early period of the history of 
 Methodism, some of Mr. Wesley's opponents, in 
 the excess of their zeal against enthusiasm, took 
 up a whole waggon load of Methodists, and car- 
 ried them before a magistrate. When they were 
 asked, what these persons had done, there was an 
 awkward silence; at last, one of the . accusers 
 said — " Why, they pretended to be better than 
 other people ; and besides, they prayed from 
 morning till night." The magistrate asked if 
 they had done anything else. " Yes, Sir," said 
 an old man, " an't please your worship, they 
 convarted my wife ; till she went among them, 
 she had such a tongue, and now she is as quiet as 
 a lamb." — " Carry them back," said the magis- 
 trate, " and let them convert all the scolds in the 
 town." 
 
 649. — When Admiral Haddock was dying, 
 he called his son, and thus addressed him — 
 
270 JOE MILLER 
 
 " Considering my rank in life, and public serv- 
 ices for so many years, I shall leave you but a 
 small fortune ; but, my boy, it is honestly got, 
 and will wear well; there are no seamen's wages 
 or provisions, nor one single penny of pinch- gut 
 money in it." 
 
 650. — Sir Andrew Agnew, a Scotch baro- 
 net, was famous heretofore for giving broad 
 hints. The nature of them will be best ascer- 
 tained by the following anecdote. Sir Andrew 
 having for some time been pestered by an impu- 
 dent and impertinent intruder, it was one day 
 remarked to the baronet, by a friend, that this 
 man no longer appeared in his company, and 
 asked how he contrived to get rid of him. " In 
 truth," said the baronet, " I was obliged to give 
 the chield a broad hint." — " A broad hint," re- 
 plied the friend, " I thought he was one of those 
 who could not take a hint." — " By my faith, 
 but he was forced to take it," answered Sir An- 
 drew, " for, as the fellow would not gang out of 
 the door, I threw him out of the window." 
 
 651. — A Russian Officer, named Valensky, 
 who had a command in the Persian expedition, 
 had once been beaten by the Emperor Peter's 
 order, mistaking him for another. " Well," 
 says Peter, " I am sorry for it, but you will de- 
 serve it one day or other, and then remind me 
 that you are in arrears with me ; " which accord- 
 ingly happened upon that very expedition, and 
 he was excused. 
 
 652. — A Healthy old gentleman was once 
 
JOE MILLER 271 
 
 asked by the king, what physician and apothe- 
 cary he made use of to look so well at his time of 
 life — " Sire," replied the gentleman, " my physi- 
 cian has always been a horse, and my apothecary 
 an ass." 
 
 653. — A Gentleman at Paris amusing him- 
 self in the gallery of the Palais Royal, observed, 
 while he was carelessly looking over some pamph- 
 lets at a bookseller's shop, a suspicious fellow 
 stand rather too near him. The gentleman was 
 dressed, according to the fashion of the times, 
 in a coat with a prodigious number of silver 
 tags and tassels, upon which the thief began to 
 have a design ; and the gentleman, not willing to 
 disappoint him, turned his head another way, to 
 give him an opportunity. The thief immedi- 
 ately set to work, and, in a trice, twisted off 
 seven or eight of the silver tags. The gentleman 
 perceived it; and, drawing out a penknife, 
 caught the fellow by the ear and cut it off close 
 to his head. " Murder ! murder ! " cries the 
 thief. " Robbery ! robbery ! " cries the gentle- 
 man. Upon this the thief, in a passion, throw- 
 ing them at the gentleman, roared — " There are 
 your tags and buttons."- — " Very well," says the 
 gentleman, throwing it back in the like manner, 
 " there is your ear." 
 
 654. — When Earl Spencer was a boy he 
 called at an inn at St. Alban's, where he had fre- 
 quently stopped, and observing that the land- 
 lord looked unusually dejected, asked him the 
 cause. After some hesitation, the landlord said, 
 
n% JOE MILLER 
 
 " That affairs ran cross, his creditors were se- 
 vere, and he should be soon obliged to shut up 
 his house." — " That is a pity," said the young 
 nobleman ; " how much money will be required to 
 reinstate you? " — " Oh, your honour, a great 
 sum ; not less than a thousand pounds." — " And 
 would that sum perfectly answer the purpose? " 
 — " It would, Sir ; and I would honestly repay 
 any gentleman who would be generous enough 
 to advance it." Young Spencer said no more, 
 but ordering his horses to his carriage, posted 
 back to London, and going instantly to his 
 guardian, told him he wanted a thousand pounds. 
 " A thousand pounds, Sir ! " said the guardian, 
 " it is a large sum. May I ask to what purpose 
 it is to be applied? " — " No purpose of extrav- 
 agance upon my honour, but I will not tell you 
 to what use it is to be destined." The guardian 
 refused to advance the cash. The young gentle- 
 man hurried to his relations, and made his com- 
 plaint ; a consultation was held, and it was 
 at length agreed to let him have the money, with- 
 out demanding the mode in which he intended to 
 dispose of it. He carried it immediately to the 
 distressed landlord, whose business was con- 
 ducted with fresh vigour, and his inn has been 
 since one of the most capital in England. 
 
 655. — Lord Nelson and Mr. Pitt could 
 never agree. It was told Nelson, that Pitt said 
 — " He was the greatest fool he ever knew when 
 on shore." — " He speaks truth," said the hero, 
 " and I would soon prove him to be a fool if I 
 
JOE MILLER 273 
 
 had him on board of ship \ nevertheless, I am as 
 clever an admiral as he is a statesman, which is 
 saying a great deal for myself." He disliked 
 the man, but honoured his great talents. 
 
 656. — A Sailor who had not seen the inside 
 of a church for some time, strolled into that of 
 Portlock, in Somersetshire, just as the minister 
 ascended the pulpit, who gave out for his text, 
 " Wilt thou go with me to Ramoth Gilead, to 
 battle? " which being twice repeated, the tar, 
 with some warmth, rose up, and exclaimed — 
 " What, do none of you answer the gentlemen ? 
 For my part, if nobody else will go, I'll go with 
 him myself, with all my heart." 
 
 657.— About the time when Murphy so suc- 
 cessfully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the 
 pleasant farce of " The Apprentice," an eminent 
 poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of 
 his servant, who, he understood, was that evening 
 to make his debut in Lear, and entered the room 
 at the moment he was exclaiming — " I am the 
 king; you* cannot touch me for coining." — 
 " No, you dog," cried the enraged master, catch- 
 ing the mad monarch by his collar, " but I can 
 for not picking the ducks." 
 
 658. — Lord Melville told a pleasant 
 story, rather at his own* expense, at a cabinet 
 dinner. Some time ago he sent for Townsend, 
 the Bow-street officer, who, from the line marked 
 out by his lordship, then secretary of state, made 
 a useful and singular discovery. Townsend, 
 surprised at the sagacity of the right honour- 
 
874 JOE MILLER 
 
 able gentleman, could not abstain from express- 
 ing his admiration, by assuring him. that, with 
 " a very little instruction, he would, in a fort- 
 night, make the best thief-taker in the king- 
 dom." 
 
 659. — Reynolds, the dramatist, observing 
 to Martin the thinness of the house at one of his 
 own plays, added — " He supposed it was owing 
 to the mar" — " No." replied the latter, ** it is 
 owing to the piece." 
 
 660. —A Physician being sent for, by a 
 maker of universal specifics, expressed his sur- 
 prise at being called in on an occasion appar- 
 ently trifling. " Xot so trifling neither." re- 
 plied the quack. M for. to tell you the truth. I 
 have taken some of my own pills." 
 
 661. — Philip, king of Macedon, having 
 drunk too much wine, happened to determine a 
 cause unjustly, to the prejudice of a poor widow, 
 who. when she heard his decree, boldly cried out 
 - — " I appeal to Philip sober." The king, struck 
 with the peculiarity of the event, recovered his 
 senses, heard the cause afresh, and. rinding his 
 mistake, ordered her to be paid, out of his own 
 purse, double the sum she was to have lost. This 
 is an example worthy imitation. 
 
 662. — The Neapolitans in general hold 
 drunkenness in very great abhorrence. — A story 
 is told there of a nobleman, who. having mur- 
 dered another in a fit of jealousy, was condemned 
 to suffer death. His life was offered to him on 
 the ^ole condition of saving, that when he com- 
 
JOE MILLER 275 
 
 mitted the deed he was intoxicated. He received 
 the offer with disdain, and exclaimed — " I would 
 rather suffer a thousand deaths, than bring eter- 
 nal disgrace on my family, by confessing the 
 
 disgraceful crime of intoxication." He per- 
 sisted, and was executed. 
 
 663. — Ax Officer of one of the shipe at 
 Spithead, having occasion to send to his country- 
 house in great haste a few days since, despatched 
 a sailor on horseback with a letter, who, after de- 
 livering it, and being refreshed, and the horse 
 fed, went to the stable to prepare for his return. 
 A bye-stander observed to him, " that he was 
 putting on the saddle the hind part before." 
 The sailor replied—" How do you know which 
 way I am going to ride? " 
 
 664. — Louis XL, when young, used to visit 
 a peasant, whose garden produced excellent 
 fruit. Soon after he ascended the throne, this 
 peasant waited on him with his little present, a 
 turnip, the produce of his own garden, of an 
 extraordinary size. The king, smiling, remem- 
 bered the hours of pleasure he had passed with 
 him, and ordered a thousand crowns to be given 
 to him. The lord of the village hearing of this 
 liberality, thought within himself — " If this pea- 
 sant gets a thousand crowns for a turnip, I have 
 only to present his majesty with a handsome 
 horse, and my fortune is made." Arriving at 
 court, he requested the king's acceptance of one. 
 Louis highly praised the steed, and the donor's 
 expectations were raised to the utmost, when the 
 
276 JOE MILLER 
 
 king exclaimed — " Bring me mj turnip ! " and 
 added, as he presented it to the nobleman, 
 " There, this cost me a thousand crowns, I give 
 it to you in return for your horse." 
 
 665. — When Lord Sandwich was to present 
 Admiral Campbell, he told him, that probably, 
 the king would knight him. The admiral did 
 not much relish the honour. " Well, but," said 
 Lord S., " perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it." 
 — " Then let the king knight her," answered the 
 rough seaman. 
 
 666. — Henry III. of France could not bear 
 to be alone in a chamber where there was a cat. 
 The brave Due d'Epernon fell into a swoon at 
 the sight of a rabbit. The Mareschal Albert was 
 always taken ill upon the bringing of a pig to 
 the table. Ladislaus, king of Poland, began to 
 run as often as he perceived an apple. Erasmus 
 could not smell fish without becoming feverish. 
 Scaliger was seized with a tremor at the sight of 
 water-cresses. Tycho Brahe could scarcely sup- 
 port himself on his legs if a hare or fox hap- 
 pened to start up where he was. Every eclipse 
 of the moon threw the Chancellor Bacon into a 
 fainting fit. Boyle was seized with an ecstacy at 
 the sound of water running from a pipe. La 
 Mothe le Vayer could not endure the notes of any 
 musical instrument, but felt the most lively pleas- 
 ure whenever it thundered. An Englishman 
 fainted away as often as he heard the fifty-third 
 chapter of Isaiah. 
 
 667. — Sir Peter Leey, a famous painter, in 
 
JOE MILLER 211 
 
 the reign of Charles I., agreed for the price of 
 a full-length, which he was to draw for a rich 
 alderman of London, who was not indebted to 
 nature either for shape or face. When the pic- 
 ture was finished, the alderman endeavoured to 
 beat down the price ; alleging, that if he did not 
 purchase it, it would lay on the painter's hands. 
 " That's your mistake," replied Sir Peter, " for 
 I can sell it at double the price I demand." — 
 " How can that be? " says the alderman; " for 
 it is like nobody but myself." — " But I will draw 
 a tail to it, and then it will be an excellent mon- 
 key." Mr. Alderman, to prevent exposure, paid 
 the sum agreed for, and carried off the picture. 
 
 668. — A Quaker, a few years ago, having 
 been cited as an evidence at a Quarter Sessions, 
 one of the magistrates, who had been a black- 
 smith, desired to know why he would not take off 
 his hat. " It is a privilege," said the witness, 
 " that the laws and liberalities of my country in- 
 dulge people of our religious mode of thinking 
 in." — " If I had it in my power," said the jus- 
 tice, " I would have your hat nailed to your 
 head." — " I thought," said Obadiah, " that thou 
 had'st given over the trade of driving nails." 
 
 669. — Charles V., in his intervals of relaxa- 
 tion, used to retire to Brussels ; he was curious to 
 know the sentiments of his meanest subjects con- 
 cerning himself, and his administration ; there- 
 fore often went out incog., and mixed himself 
 in such companies and conversation as he 
 
278 JOE MILLER 
 
 thought proper. One night his boot requiring 
 immediate mending, he was directed to a cobbler. 
 Unluckily it happened to be on St. Crispin's 
 holiday ; and instead of finding the cobbler in- 
 clined to work, he was in the height of his jollity 
 among his acquaintance : the emperor acquainted 
 him with what he wanted, and offered a hand- 
 some gratuity. " What, friend," says the fel- 
 low, " do you not know better than to ask any 
 of our craft to work on St. Crispin? Was it 
 Charles V. himself, I'd not do a stitch for him 
 now ; but if you'll come in, and drink St. Cris- 
 pin, do and welcome ; we are as merry as the 
 emperor can be." The sovereign accepted his 
 offer ; but while he was contemplating on their 
 rude pleasure, instead of joining in it, the jovial 
 host thus accosted him — " What, I suppose you 
 are some Courtier Politician, or other, by that 
 contemplative phiz, nay by your long nose, you 
 may be a bastard of the emperor's — but be who, 
 or what, you will, you're heartily welcome — 
 drink about; here's Charles the Fifth's health." 
 — " Then you love Charles the Fifth," replied 
 the emperor. " Love him ! " says the son of 
 Crispin ; " aye, aye, I love his long noseship well 
 enough ; but I should love him much more, would 
 he but tax us a little less ; but, what the devil 
 have we to do with politics? Round with the 
 glass, and merry be our hearts." After a short 
 stay, the emperor took his leave, and thanked 
 the cobbler for his hospitable reception. 
 "That," cried he, "you're welcome to; but I 
 
JOE MILLER 279 
 
 would not to-day have dishonoured St. Crispin 
 to have worked for the emperor." 
 
 Charles, pleased with the honest good nature 
 and humour of the fellow, sent for him next 
 morning to court. You must imagine his sur 
 prise, to see and hear that his late guest war; 
 his sovereign ! He feared his j oke on his long 
 nose must be punished with death. The emperor 
 thanked him for his hospitality, and as a reward 
 for it, bid him ask for what he most desired, 
 and take the whole night to settle his sur- 
 prise and his ambition. Next day he appeared, 
 and requested, that for the future, the cobblers 
 of Flanders might bear for their arms a boot 
 with the crown upon it. That request was 
 granted ; and, so moderate was his ambition, the 
 emperor bid him make another. " If," says he, 
 " I am to have my utmost wishes, command that, 
 for the future, the company of cobblers shall 
 take place of the company of shoe-makers." It 
 was accordingly so ordained, and, to this day, 
 there is to be seen a chapel in Flanders adorned 
 around with a boot, and an Imperial crown on 
 it ; and, in all processions, the company of cob- 
 blers take place before the company of shoe- 
 makers. 
 
 670. — Daniel Purcele, the famous punster, 
 was desired one night in company to make a pun 
 extempore. " Upon what subject? " said Dan- 
 iel. — " The king," answered the other. — " Oh, 
 Sir," said he, " the king is no subject." 
 
 671. — A Father, exhorting his son to early 
 
280 JOE MILLER 
 
 rising, related a story of a person who, early one 
 morning, found a large purse of money. 
 " Well," replied the youth, " but the person who 
 lost it rose earlier." 
 
 672. — Some Sailors, who had made a great 
 deal of prize-money, lately determined on pur- 
 chasing a horse for the use of the mess; accord- 
 ingly, one of them was pitched upon to buy the 
 horse. As soon as this honest tar got on shore, 
 he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought 
 out a very clever-looking horse for the sailor's 
 inspection, which he particularly recommended 
 to him, as being a nice short-backed horse. 
 " Aye, that may be," said the sailor, " and that's 
 the very reason he won't do, for there's seven 
 of us." 
 
 673. — A Corpulent Baronet, who piques 
 himself upon his agility, exclaimed the other 
 day, in the tone of exultation, to a witty friend 
 — " It is strange, Tom, that I should be so un- 
 commonly active, is it not ? " — " It only proves," 
 answered the wit drily, " that two opposite qual- 
 ities are combined, the form of the bear, with 
 the alertness of the monkey." 
 
 674. — A Cornish Clergyman, having a dis- 
 pute concerning several shares in different mines, 
 found it necessary to send for a London limb of 
 the law, to have some conversation with the wit- 
 nesses, examine the title-deeds, view the prem- 
 ises, &c. The divine very soon found that his 
 legal assistant was as great a rogue as ever was 
 struck off the rolls. However, as he thought 
 
JOE MILLER 281 
 
 his knowledge might be useful, he showed him 
 his papers, took him to compare his surveyor's 
 drawings with the situation of the pits, &c. 
 When, in one of these excursions, the profes- 
 sional gentleman was descending a deep shaft, 
 by means of a rope which he held tight in his 
 hand, he called out to the parson, who stood at 
 the top, " Doctor, as you have not confined your 
 studies to geography, but know all things from 
 the surface to the center, pray, how far is it from 
 this pit to that in the infernal regions? " — " I 
 cannot exactly ascertain the distance," replied 
 the divine, " but let go your hold, and you'll 
 be there in a minute." 
 
 675. — A Few Years ago were seated in a 
 stage-coach a clergyman, a lawyer, and a respec- 
 table-looking elderly person. The lawyer, 
 wishing to quiz the clergyman, began to descant 
 pretty fully on the admission of many ill-quali- 
 fied persons into the church. " As a proof," 
 says he, " what pretty parsons we have, I once 
 heard one read, instead of — ' And Aaron made 
 an atonement for the sins of the people ' — 
 ' And Aaron made an ointment for the shins of 
 the people.' " — " Incredible," exclaimed the 
 clergyman. — " Oh," replied the lawyer, " I dare 
 say this gentleman will be able to inform us of 
 something similar." — " That I can," said the old 
 gentleman, while the face of the lawyer bright- 
 ened in triumph — " for I once was present in a 
 country church where the clergyman, instead of 
 — ' The devil was a liar from the beginning,' 
 
282 JOE MILLER 
 
 actually read — ' The devil was a lawyer from 
 the beginning.' " 
 
 676. — A Gentleman long famous for the 
 aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas 
 in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it, 
 " The battle of A- gin-court." 
 
 677. — A Chimney-Sweeper, of very small 
 stature, brought a Mrs. MTntire to Bow-street, 
 a short time since, and charged her with uttering 
 a gross and scandalous libel against him in Old 
 Round Court, by calling him a bishop. The 
 sweep said to the magistrate — " I wants to know 
 why this here woman should call me a bishop ; I 
 gets my living honestly as a sweep, and keeps a 
 vif e and five children ; and though I bees always 
 called a clergyman, and belonging to the cloth, 
 and that there kind of thing, I assure your 
 honour, I be no bishop." The magistrate said it 
 was quite certain he was no bishop, and Mr. Har- 
 ris, the sweep, concluded by saying — " It was 
 hard that he, nor any one of his business, could 
 not walk the streets, without being called a 
 bishop." The woman was committed. 
 
 678. — " In one of my visits, very early in 
 life, to that venerable master, Dr. Pepusch," 
 says Dr. Burney, " he gave me a short lesson, 
 which made so deep an impression that I long 
 endeavoured to practice it — ' When I was a 
 young man,' said he, ' I determined never to go 
 to bed at night, till I knew something that I did 
 not know in the morning.' " 
 
 679. — A Dispute having long subsisted in a 
 
JOE- MILLER 283 
 
 gentleman's Tamil}' between the maid and the 
 coachman, about fetching the cream for break- 
 fast, the gentleman one morning called them 
 both before him, that he might hear what they 
 had to say, and decide accordingly. The maid 
 pleaded, that the coachman was lounging about 
 the kitchen, the best part of the morning, yet he 
 was so ill natured, he would not fetch the cream 
 for her ; notwithstanding he saw she had so much 
 to do, that she had not a moment to spare. The 
 coachman alleged, it was out of his business. 
 " Very well," said the master, " but pray what 
 do you call your business? " — " To take care of 
 the horses, and clean and drive the coach," re- 
 plied Jehu. " You say right," answered the 
 master, " and I do not expect you to do more 
 than I hired you for; but this I insist on, that 
 every morning, before breakfast, you get the 
 coach ready, and drive the maid to the farmer's 
 for milk; and I hope you will allow that to be 
 part of your business." 
 
 680. — Mb. Curran one day inquiring his 
 master's age from a horse jockey's servant, he 
 found it almost impossible to extract an answer. 
 " Come, come, friend, has he not lost his teeth? " 
 — " Do you think," returned the fellow, " that 
 I know his age, as he does his horse's, by the 
 mark of his mouth? " The laugh was against 
 Curran, but he instantly recovered. " You were 
 very right not to try, friend ; for you know your 
 master's a great bite.'" 
 
 681. — An Irishman asked an itinerant poult- 
 
284 JOE MILLER 
 
 erer the price of a pair of fowls. " Six shillings, 
 Sir." — " In my dear country, my darling, you 
 might buy them for sixpence a pace." — " Why 
 don't you remain in your dear country, then? " 
 — " Case we have no sixpences, my jewel," said 
 Pat. 
 
 682. — A Notorious Miser having heard a 
 very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed — " This 
 sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. 
 I have almost a mind to turn beggar." 
 
 683. — A Naval Officer, relating his feats 
 to a marshal, said — " That, in a sea-fight, he 
 had killed 300 men with his own hand." — " And 
 I," said the marshal, " descended through a 
 chimney, in Switzerland, to visit a pretty girl." 
 - — " How could that be," said the captain, 
 " since here are no chimneys in that country." 
 — " What, Sir," said the marshal, " I have al- 
 lowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely 
 you may permit me to descend a chimney in 
 Switzerland." 
 
 684.— Mr. Sterne, the whimsical author of 
 Tristram Shandy, was married to Mrs. Sterne 
 on a Saturday morning. The parishioners had 
 timely information of the circumstance, and 
 knowing he would preach next morning at his 
 parish church, and desirous at the same time of 
 seeing the bride, they assembled in such crowds, 
 that the church was full before the bell had done 
 tolling. The bride made her appearance, and 
 the country folks indulged themselves with the 
 usual observations, till Sterne mounted the pul- 
 
JOE MILLER 285 
 
 pit ; here every eye was directed to him, and 
 every ear ready to catch the words of his text 
 which turned out to their astonishment as fol- 
 lows- — ■" We have toiled all night, and have 
 caught nothing." The congregation looked at 
 each other; some smiled; others stopped their 
 mouths with their handkerchiefs, to prevent them 
 from laughing, while the old folks wore serious 
 faces, and thought the humourist a very odd sort 
 of a man for a parson. They attended, however, 
 to his discourse, which turned out, as usual, very 
 instructive, and all went home highly delighted 
 with the text, but poor Mrs. Sterne, who blushed 
 down to her fingers' ends every step of the way 
 to the house. 
 
 685. — A Certain Quaker (very rich and 
 very obstinate), constantly rode every morning 
 to a village not far from town, and, as a proof 
 of his humility, made it a rule never to turn out 
 of his track for any one. A young buck under- 
 took, for a wager, to make friend Aminadab, for 
 once, at least, give way, without using any force 
 or violence. At the proper time ( for the Quaker 
 was as regular as the clock,) the young fellow 
 set out on horseback, and soon seeing the Quaker 
 at a distance, rode on, till his horse's nose 
 touched that of the Quaker's ; when both stopped 
 and sat some time looking at each other. At 
 length the buck, with great composure, taking 
 out a pipe, filled, and lighted it, by the help of 
 a pistol thider-box ; then leaning on his elbow on 
 the pummel of his saddle, smoked it out very 
 
286 JOE MILLER 
 
 deliberately, looking very steadfastly all the 
 while in the Quaker's face. His pipe out, he be- 
 gan to recharge, which the Quaker seeing, im- 
 mediately turned his horse's head, saying as he 
 passed his opponent, " Friend, thou beest a very 
 obstinate fellow." 
 
 686. — Sheridan was dining with Lord Thur- 
 low, when he produced some admirable Con- 
 stantia, which had been sent him from the Cape 
 of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of 
 Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with un- 
 common regret, and set his wits to work to get 
 another. The old Chancellor was not to be so 
 easily induced to produce his curious Cape in 
 such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan's at- 
 tempts to get another glass. — Sheridan being 
 piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting 
 the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards 
 a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, 
 " Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must re- 
 turn to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape." 
 
 687. — Sheridan made his appearance one 
 day in a pair of new boots — these attracting the 
 notice of some of his friends, " Now guess," said 
 he, " how I came by these boots ? " many prob- 
 able guesses then took place — " No ! " said 
 Sheridan, " no, you've not hit it, nor ever will 
 — I bought them, and paid for them ! " 
 
 688. — A Rich Member of the Lower House, 
 but exceedingly penurious, having one day des- 
 canted for half an hour, at the Cocoa Tree, on 
 the excellent quality and cheapness of a waist- 
 
JOE MILLER 287 
 
 coat, which, after much bating, he had just 
 bought at a tailor's shop in the Strand, and 
 which he was exhibiting in triumph to the gentle- 
 men present, concluded by praising the high 
 perfection of the Manchester manufacturers, and 
 saying, " Can any thing be more reasonable? 
 Can any one conceive how they let me have it so 
 cheap?" — "Very easily," replied Sheridan, 
 raising his hear from a newspaper, and heartily 
 tired of being bored by such a subject: "they 
 took you for one of the trade, and sold it to you 
 wholesale." 
 
 689. — An Attorney one day meeting Sheri- 
 dan walking with another gentleman in Picca- 
 dilly, told him he had just been apprenticing his 
 second daughter, a very beautiful girl, to a fash- 
 ionable dress-maker in Bond-street; at the same 
 time asking his opinion of this family arrange- 
 ment. " Depend upon it, Sir," said Sheridan, 
 " that she is in as fair a way of being ruined, as 
 a boy is to become a rogue, when he is first put 
 clerk to a lawyer ! " 
 
 690. — Sheridan was very desirous that his 
 son Tom should marry a young woman of large 
 fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won 
 his son's heart. One day, he requested Tom to 
 walk with him, and soon entered on the subject 
 of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glow- 
 ing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alli- 
 ance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, 
 and then descanted on the perfections of the wo- 
 man who proved the bride and solace of his de- 
 
288 JOE MILLER 
 
 dining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expa- 
 tiating on the folly of his son, at length ex- 
 claimed- — " Tom, if you marry Caroline Callan- 
 der, I'll cut you off with a shilling ! " Tom 
 could not resist the opportunity of replying, and 
 looking archly at his father, said, " Then, Sir, 
 you must borrow it." Sheridan was tickled at 
 the wit, and dropped the subject. 
 
 691. — Sheridan was endeavouring to compli- 
 ment (vulgo, to gammon) a city tailor out of a 
 new suit of clothes, and promising him half a 
 dozen similar orders every year. " You are an 
 excellent cut, my friend," said Sheridan, " and 
 you beat our snips of the West-end, hollow. 
 Why don't you push your thimble amongst us? 
 I'll recommend you every where ; upon my hon- 
 our, your work gives you infinite credit." — 
 " Yes," replied Twist, " I always take care that 
 my work gives long credit; but the wearers 
 ready money." 
 
 692. — In a large party, one evening, the con- 
 versation turned upon young men's allowance at 
 college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill judg- 
 ing parsimony of many parents, in that respect. 
 " I am sure, Tom," said the father, " you need 
 not complain; I always allowed you eight hun- 
 dred a year." — " Yes, father, I must confess you 
 allowed it; but then it was never paid." 
 
 693. — When Dr. Parr's preface to Bellen- 
 denus was the theme of general admiration, 
 Home Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, 
 " It consists of mere scraps ; " alluding to the 
 
JOE MILLER 289 
 
 frequent use of the Ciceronian language. This 
 sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards 
 meeting Tooke, said to him, — " So, Mr. Tooke, 
 you think my Preface mere scraps? " — " True," 
 replied Tooke, with inimitable readiness, " but 
 you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often tit- 
 bits." 
 
 694. — During the Rage of republican prin- 
 ciples in England, and whilst the Corresponding 
 Society was in full vigour, Mr. Selwyn hap- 
 pened one May-day to meet a troop of chimney- 
 sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trap- 
 pings ; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walk- 
 ing with him, " I say, Charles, I have often heard 
 you and others talk of the majesty of the people ; 
 but I never saw any of the young princes and 
 princesses till now." 
 
 695. — Returning in haste from France in 
 the winter season, on hearing a report of a prob- 
 able change in the ministry, by which he was 
 more than likely to lose his place, Selwyn ap- 
 peared in the drawing-room at St. James's the 
 next court-day in a light coloured velvet dress. 
 The king taking notice of this, George replied, 
 — " Yes, Sire, it is rather a cool habiliment ; but 
 notwithstanding, I do assure your Majesty, that 
 I have been in a violent sweat ever since my ar- 
 rival in England." 
 
 696. — A Learned Irish Judge, among other 
 peculiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on 
 every occasion. On his circuit, a short time 
 since, his favourite expression was employed in 
 
290 JOE MILLER 
 
 a singular manner. At the close of the assize, 
 as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of 
 the court reminded him that he had not passed 
 sentence on one of the criminals, as he had in- 
 tended — " Dear me ! " said his lordship, " I 
 really beg his pardon — bring him in." 
 
 697. — Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said 
 to have been the vainest men of their time. At 
 dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy 
 with the conversational powers of Lord E., 
 called out to him, " My lord, I mean to write 
 your epitaph." — " Dr. Parr," replied the noble 
 lawyer, " it is a temptation to commit suicide." 
 
 698. — Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding 
 his shortness and rotundity, was very gallant. 
 One day being alone with Madame de Cronzas, 
 Gibbon wished to seize the favourable moment, 
 and suddenly dropping on his knees, he declared 
 his love in the most passionate terms. Madame 
 de Cronzas replied in a tone to prevent the repe- 
 tition of such a scene. Gibbon was thunder- 
 struck, but still remained on his knees, though 
 frequently desired to get up and resume his seat. 
 " Sir," said Madame de Cronzas, " will you have 
 the goodness to rise?" — "Alas, madam," re- 
 plied the unhappy lover* " I cannot." His size 
 prevented him from rising without assistance; 
 upon this Madame de Cronzas rang the bell, say- 
 ing to the servant, " Lift up Mr. Gibbon." 
 
 699. — " Souvre," said Louis XV. to the com- 
 mander of that name, " you are getting old ; 
 where do you wish to be interred?" — "At the 
 
JOE MILLER 291 
 
 foot of your majesty, sire," replied Souvre. 
 This answer disconcerted the monarch, who re- 
 mained for some time deeply immersed in 
 thought. 
 
 700. — These were two very fat noblemen at 
 
 the court of Louis XV., the Duke de L and 
 
 the Duke de N . They were both one day at 
 
 the levee, when the king began to rally the for- 
 mer on his corpulence. " You take no exercise, I 
 suppose," said the king. — " Pardon me, sire," 
 
 said de L , " I walk twice a day round my 
 
 coucin de N ." 
 
 701. — A Lady was listening to the late Lord 
 Erskine's account of the people of the North 
 Pole, and when he mentioned that the natives 
 clothe themselves in the skins of the seals, and 
 eat their flesh, " What ! live upon seals ? " ex- 
 claimed the lady, with a look of horror. — " Yes, 
 madam," answered Lord Erskine, " and very 
 good living too, if one could but keep them." 
 
 702. — Pope Pius VII. having come to Paris 
 to crown, or rather to pronounce- the apostolic 
 benediction on the coronation of Napoleon, De- 
 non was deputed to shew his holiness over the 
 mint, the museum, and the imperial printing- 
 offices. In his presence the Lord's prayer in 150 
 languages and dialects was printed and pre- 
 sented to him. The Pope expressed his admira- 
 tion, and turning to Denon said, " But thou hast 
 not given me thy work." — " Your holiness, I 
 should never have presumed to offer it to you, 
 for you recollect you excommunicated me for 
 
292 JOE MILLER 
 
 having attempted to prove in it, that the world 
 was more than six thousand years old." — 
 " Psha ! thou didst thy duty, and I did mine ; 
 give me the book at any rate." 
 
 703. — The Celebrated Actor, John Palm- 
 er, whose father was a bill-sticker, and who had 
 occasionally followed the same humble occupa- 
 tion himself, being one evening strutting in the 
 green-room in a pair of glittering buckles, a by- 
 stander remarked that they really resembled 
 diamonds. " Sir," said Palmer, with some 
 warmth, " I would have you know I never wear 
 any thing but diamonds ! " — " I ask your par- 
 don," replied the other. " I remember the time 
 when you were nothing but 'paste." The laugh 
 was much heightened by Bannister exclaiming, 
 " Jack, why don't you stick him against the 
 wall? " 
 
 704. — An Avaricious Fenman, who kept a 
 very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his 
 son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in 
 his ear, " Tom, you must eat for to-day and to- 
 morrow." — " O yes," retorted the half-starved 
 lad, " but I ha'n't eaten for yesterday and to- 
 day yet, father." 
 
 705. — Lady Beaueieu was complaining of 
 being waked by a noise in the night ; my lord re- 
 plied, " Oh, for my part, there is no disturbing 
 me; if they don't wake me before I go to sleep, 
 there is no waking me afterwards." 
 
 706.— When Henry, Duke of Norfolk (the 
 only Protestant of the family before the late 
 
JOE MILLER 293 
 
 duke), was attending James II. in his duty as 
 Earl Marshal, to the Popish Chapel of the Court, 
 he stopped short at the door, and, making his 
 bow to the king, suffered him to pass on without 
 accompanying him. The king was piqued, and 
 turning round, observed, " My lord, your father 
 would have gone farther." The duke made a 
 lower bow than before, and replied, " Your ma- 
 jesty's father would not have gone as far." 
 
 707. — " A Lady once asked me," says Cole- 
 ridge, " if I believed in ghosts and apparitions." 
 I answered with truth and simplicity, " No, ma- 
 dam, I have seen far too many myself." 
 
 708. — A School-boy going into the village 
 without leave, one of his masters called after him, 
 "Where are you going, Sir?" — "I am going 
 to buy a halfp'-worth of nails, Sir." — " What 
 do you want a halfp'-worth of nails for? " — 
 " For a halfpenny, Sir," replied the urchin. 
 
 709. — At a Tea-party, where some Cantabs 
 happened to be present, after the dish had been 
 handed round, the lady who was presiding over 
 the tea equipage " hoped the tea was good." — 
 " Very good, indeed, madam," was the general 
 reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Can- 
 tabs to speak, who, between truth and politeness, 
 shrewdly observed, " That the tea was excellent, 
 but the water was smoky." 
 
 710. — Two Oxonians dining together, one of 
 them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth 
 of his companion, said, " I see you are a Gre- 
 cian" — " Pooh ! " said the other, " that's far- 
 
294 JOE MILLER 
 
 fetched." — " No, indeed," says the punster, " I 
 made it on the spot." 
 
 711. — A Young Woman meeting her former 
 fellow-servant, was asked how she liked her 
 place. " Very well." — " Then you have nothing 
 to complain of? " — " Nothing; only master and 
 misses talk such very bad grammar." 
 
 712. — A Noble Lord, who was aid-de-camp 
 to the Duke of Wellington, visited the duke early 
 on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and 
 perceiving him lying on a very small camp bed- 
 stead, observed that his grace " had not room to 
 turn himself." The duke immediately replied, 
 " When you have lived as long as I have, you 
 will know that when a man thinks of turning in 
 his bed, it is time he should turn out of it." 
 
 713. — Shortly after the commencement of 
 the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as 
 a political economist would prove, made them 
 dearer. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked 
 to her chandler, Paddy MacBeth, that the price 
 was raised, and asked why. " It's a' owin' to 
 the war," said Paddy. " The war ! " said the 
 astonished matron, " Gracious me ! are they gaun 
 to fight by candle licht? " 
 
 714. — Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was 
 not very partial to the " thea linensis," although 
 lauded so warmly by a French writer as " nostris 
 gratissima musis" being invited to take tea by 
 a lady, with true classic wit and refined gal- 
 lantry? uttered the following delicate "compli- 
 ment : " Non possum te-cum vivere, nee sine te! " 
 
JOE MILLER 295 
 
 715. — A Chancery Barrister having been 
 for a long while annoyed by an irritable ulcer 
 on one of his legs, called upon Mr. Abcrnethy 
 for the purpose of obtaining that gentleman's 
 advice. The counsellor judging of an ulcer as 
 of a brief, that it must be seen before its nature 
 could be understood, was busily employed in re- 
 moving his stocking and bandages, when Mr. 
 Abcrnethy abruptly advanced towards him, and 
 exclaimed in a stentorian voice, " Hallo ! what 
 are you about there ! put out your tongue, man ! 
 Aye, there 'tis, I see it — I'm satisfied — quite 
 enough — shut up your leg, man — shut it up — 
 shut it up. Here, take one of these pills every 
 night on going to bed." The lawyer put the 
 box of pills into his pocket, handed over the fee, 
 and was about to leave the room, when Mr. A. 
 thus accosted him : " Why, look here, this is 
 but a shilling ! " The barrister sarcastically re- 
 plied : " Aye, there 'tis ! I see it — I'm satis- 
 fied ! quite enough, man ! shut it up — shut it 
 up ! " and hastily quitted the room. 
 
 71 (j — An Irishman, who served on board a 
 man-of-war in the capacity of a waister, was 
 selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow- 
 line, of considerable length, that was towing 
 over the taffrail. "After rowsing-in forty or 
 fifty fathoms, which had put his patience se- 
 verely to proof, as well as every muscle of his 
 arms, he muttered to himself, " By my soul, it's 
 as long as to-day and to-morrow ! — It's a good 
 week's work for any five in the ship ! — Bad luck 
 
296 JOE MILLER 
 
 to the arm or leg, it'll lave me at last ! — What ! 
 more of it yet! — Och, murder; the sa's mighty 
 deep, to be sure ! " — When, after continuing in 
 a similar strain, and conceiving there was little 
 probability of the completion of his labour, he 
 stopped suddenly short, and addressing the 
 officer of the watch, exclaimed, " Bad manners to 
 me, Sir, if I don't think somebody's cut off the 
 other end of it! " 
 
 717. — Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., 
 having married his daughter to M. Portail, 
 president of the parliament, was constantly re- 
 ceiving from his son-in-law, complaints of his 
 daughter's ill-temper. To one of these he at 
 length answered, that he was fully convinced of 
 her misconduct, and was resolved to punish it ; 
 in short, that if he heard any more of it, he would 
 disinherit her. He heard no more. 
 
 718. — " Does your husband expectorate? " 
 said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who 
 had long visited his shop for her sick husband — 
 " Expect to ate, yer honour — no sure, and 
 Paddy does not expect to ate — he's nothing at 
 all to ate ! " The humane man sent a large 
 basin of mixture from a tureen of soup then 
 smoking on his table. % 
 
 719. — When George Bidder, the calculat- 
 ing phenomenon, was a very little boy, he made 
 the tour of England with his father, displaying 
 everywhere his astonishing power of combining 
 and resolving numbers. Among several very in- 
 genious and difficult questions prepared pur- 
 
JOE MILLER 297 
 
 posely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked 
 (without furnishing any data), "How many 
 cow's tails would reach to the moon." The boy, 
 turning upon the inquirer an eye of considerable 
 archness, answered instantly, " One, if it were 
 long enough." 
 
 720.— By Statute 6th, George II. c. 37., it 
 was felony without benefit of clergy to destroy 
 an ash. Dr. Ash, a great wit, and friend of 
 Swift, was once wet through with the rain, and 
 upon going into an inn, asked the waiter to strip 
 off his coat for him; upon which the waiter 
 started, and said he dare not, for it was felony to 
 strip an Ash. Dr. Ash used to say he would have 
 given 50Z. to have been the author of that pun. 
 
 721. — A Judge and Counsellor being 
 upon indifferent terms, a client of the counsel's 
 making his appearance at the bar with his jaw r 
 terribly swelled, the judge remarked, " Mr. 
 , this client of yours would make an excel- 
 lent counsellor, he's all jaw ; " which set the court 
 in a roar of laughter against the counsellor. On 
 silence being obtained, the counsel remarked, 
 " My lord, I think he would make a better judge, 
 for his jaw is all one side." The retort turned 
 the laugh against the judge, and from that day 
 they were on the best terms of friendship. 
 
 722. — A Barber, w r ho was a great talker, 
 said to a person on whom he was about to op- 
 erate, " How do you choose that I should shave 
 you, Sir? " — " Without opening your lips," re- 
 plied the customer. 
 
298 JOE MILLER 
 
 723. — A Lady who went to consult Mr. Aber- 
 nethy, began describing her complaint, which 
 was what he very much disliked. Among othei 
 things, she said, " Whenever I lift my arm, it 
 pains me exceedingly." — " Why then, madam," 
 answered Mr. A., " you are a great fool for 
 doing so." 
 
 724. — A Lady, who had received a severe bite 
 in her arm from a dog, went to Mr. Abernethy, 
 but knowing his aversion to hearing any state- 
 ment of particulars, she merely uncovered the 
 injured part, and held it before him in silence. 
 After looking at it an instant, he said in an in- 
 quiring tone, " Scratch? " — " Bite," replied the 
 lady.—" Cat? " asked the doctor.—" Dog," re- 
 joined the patient. So delighted was Mr. A. 
 with the brevity and promptness of her answers, 
 that he exclaimed, " Zounds, madam, you are the 
 most sensible woman I ever met with in my life." 
 
 725. — At the siege of Gironne, a cannon ball 
 passed very near the Duke de Noailles, who was 
 inspecting a battery. " Do you hear that 
 music ! " said he to Rigolo, who commanded the 
 artillery. — " I care nothing about the balls 
 which come," replied Rigolo, " my business is 
 with those that go." 
 
 726. — It is related of Mr. Cheselden, well 
 known as having been surgeon to the Queen of 
 George II. that going into an obscure country 
 town, he found a blacksmith, who, with the best 
 intentions and the utmost confidence was in the 
 habit of performing the operation for removing 
 
JOE MILLER 299 
 
 the cataract; pleased with his talents, he com- 
 municated some instructions, and at a future 
 time, inquiring what had been his success, the 
 man replied : " Ah, Sir ! you spoilt my trade, 
 for after you explained to me what I had been 
 doing, I never dared to try again." 
 
 727. — " Nothing can daunt the heart of a 
 genuine Irishman," said an Emeralder, the other 
 day, over his glass. — " Why, I have seen you 
 yourself run away in a street row, Dennis," re- 
 joined an Englishman who was present. — " Ah, 
 ah," cried Dennis, " but it was not out of fear 
 that I did it."— "How, then?"— " Oh! sure, 
 jist to ka-pe myself out of harm's way, that's 
 all." 
 
 728. — Mr. Carus Wilson, whose great 
 height renders him very remarkable in the streets 
 of London, was met in Fleet street, during a 
 frost, by a gentleman nearly as tall as himself. 
 Struck with the appearance of each other, they 
 entered into conversation, and were speaking, 
 when interrupted by a" ragged urchin from the 
 sister Isle. This genuine child of Erin, looking 
 up to the giants, archly bawled out, " Your 
 honours, will you be so good as to tell me if 'tis 
 could up there" " 
 
 729.— "What is Eternity? "—The follow- 
 ing beautiful answer, by a pupil of the Deaf and 
 Dumb School at Paris, contains a sublimity of 
 conception scarcely to be equalled : — " The life- 
 time of the Almighty." 
 
 730. — An Attorney, who was much molested 
 
300 JOE MILLER 
 
 by a fellow importuning him to bestow some- 
 thing, threatened to have him taken up as a com- 
 mon beggar. " A beggar ! " exclaimed the man, 
 " I would have you know that I am of the same 
 profession as yourself: are we not both solici- 
 tors? " — " That may be, friend, yet there is this 
 difference — you are not a legal one, which I am" 
 
 731. — In a small party the subject turning 
 on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, " I won- 
 der, my dear, you have never made a match; I 
 think you want the brimstone ; " — she replied, 
 " No, not the brimstone, only the spark." 
 
 732. — During the late panic, a person pre- 
 sented about 30Z. of the notes of one of the 
 country banks, for which he received payment: 
 he was then asked whether he was aware that he 
 had the sum of 150L in their hands? He re- 
 plied " Yes ! but that was of no consequence, he 
 should not lose that, as it was at interest." 
 
 733. — At a late Parliamentary dinner, Mr. 
 Plunkett was asked if Mr. Hume did not annoy 
 him by his broad speeches. " No," replied he, 
 " it is the length of the speeches, not their 
 breadth, that we complain of in the House." 
 
 734. — Ox a remarkably hot summer's day, an 
 Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting 
 down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned 
 against " catching cold." " Catch it," said he, 
 wiping his face, " where? I wish I could catch 
 it." 
 
 735. — A Coachman, extolling the sagacity 
 of one of his horses, observed, that " if anybody 
 
JOE MILLER 301 
 
 was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice 
 like a Christian." 
 
 736. — In the war with France, in 1782, an 
 English officer being sent to Martinico, in a car- 
 tel, was introduced to the French admiral, the 
 Compte de Grasse, on board his vessel, the Ville 
 de Paris. In the course of conversation the 
 latter charged the officer with his compliments 
 to Admiral (then Sir George) Rodney, and that 
 he would be off Dominica on the 9th of April, 
 when he would be glad to see him. On the 12th 
 the important action took place, in which the 
 admiral, with seven vessels, was taken. The 
 same officer happening to be on deck when the 
 Count surrendered his sword, accosted him with 
 great politeness — " I am very happy to see you, 
 Monsieur le Compte," said he, " and cannot but 
 esteem you a gentleman of the utmost punc- 
 tuality." 
 
 737. — The Late Boxnel Thornton, like 
 most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which 
 frequently led him to spend the whole night in 
 company, and all the next morning in bed. On 
 one of these occasions, an old female relation, 
 having waited on him before he had arisen, 
 began to read him a familiar lecture on pru- 
 dence ; which she concluded by saying, " Ah ! 
 Bonnel, Bonnel ! I see plainly that you'll shorten 
 your days." — " Very true, Madam," replied he, 
 " but by the same rule, you must admit that I 
 shall lengthen my nights." 
 
 738. — Louis XIV., who loved a concise style, 
 
302 JOE MILLER 
 
 met on the road, as he was travelling into the 
 country, a priest, who was riding post; and, or- 
 dering him to stop, asked hastily, " Whence come 
 you? Where are you going? What do you 
 want? " The other, who perfectly well knew 
 the king's disposition, instantly replied, " From 
 Bruges. To Paris. A benefice." — " You shall 
 have it," replied the king; and in a few days 
 presented him to a valuable living. 
 
 739. — On a Trial at the Admiralty sessions, 
 for shooting a seaman, the counsel for the crown 
 asking one of the witnesses which he was for, 
 plaintiff or defendant — " Plaintiff or defend- 
 ant ! " says the sailor, scratching his head, " why, 
 I don't know what you mean by plaintiff or de- 
 fendant. I come to speak for that man, there ! " 
 pointing at the prisoner. " You are a pretty 
 fellow for a witness," says the counsel, " not to 
 know what plaintiff or defendant means." Some 
 time after, being asked by the same counsel, what 
 part of the ship he was in at the time — " Abaft 
 the binnacle, my lord," says the sailor. " Abaft 
 the binnacle ! " replied the barrister, " what part 
 of the ship is that ? "— " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " chuckled 
 the sailor ; " an't you a pretty fellow for a coun- 
 sellor," pointing archly at him with his finger, 
 " not to know what abaft the binnacle is." 
 
 740. — Dr. Franklin, when last in England, 
 used pleasantly to repeat an observation of his 
 negro servant, when the Doctor was making the 
 tour of Derbyshire, Lancashire, &c. " Every- 
 ting, Massa, work in dis country; water work; 
 
JOE MILLER 303 
 
 wind work ; fire work ; smoke work ; dog work 
 (he had before noticed the last at Bath) ; man 
 work; bullock work; horse work; ass work; 
 every ting work here but de hog; he eat, he drink, 
 he sleep, he do noting all day, he walk about like 
 gentleman! " 
 
 741. — A Gentleman went to see his son at 
 Westminster school, under the great Dr. Busby. 
 When they were in discourse, over a bottle of 
 wine, the Doctor sent for the boy. " Come," 
 says he, " young man, as your father is here, 
 take a glass of wine;" and quoted' this Latin 
 sentence : Paucum Vini acuit Ingenium ( a little 
 wine sharpens the wit). The lad replied, Sed 
 plus Vini, plus Ingenii! (the more wine, the more 
 wit !) v Hold, young man," replied the Doctor, 
 " though you argue on mathematical principles, 
 you shall have but one glass ! " 
 
 742. — The Renowned Peter the Great, 
 being at Westminster Hall in term time, and see- 
 ing multitudes of people swarming about the 
 courts of law, is reported to have asked some 
 about him what all those busy people were, and 
 what they were about? and being answered, 
 " They are lawyers." — " Lawyers ! " returned 
 he, with great vivacity, " w T hy I have but four 
 in my whole kingdom, and I design to hang two 
 of them as soon as I get home." 
 
 743. — " When I have a cold in my head," 
 said a gentleman in company, " I am always re- 
 markably dull and stupid." — " You are much to 
 be pitied, then, Sir," replied another, " for I 
 
304 JOE MILLER 
 
 don't remember ever to have seen you without 
 a cold in your head." 
 
 74-1. — A Welsh Parson in his discourse told 
 his congregation " how kind and respectful we 
 should be one to another," and said, " we were 
 even inferior to brutes in that point." He 
 brought in an example of two goats, which met 
 one another upon a very narrow bridge, over a 
 river, so that they could not pass by without one 
 thrusting the other off. " How do you think 
 did they do? I'll tell you: one laid him down 
 and let the other leap over him. Ah! beloved, 
 let us live like goats." 
 
 745. — A Dog stole a piece of meat out of a 
 Quaker's porridge pot ; upon which the Quaker 
 calmly said that he would not lift up the arm 
 of the flesh against him, but would give him a 
 gentle reproof; and so turning the dog out, he 
 shouted " a mad dog! " in consequence of which 
 the poor animal was instantly stoned to death. 
 
 746- — An Old Roman Soldier, being in- 
 volved in a lawsuit, implored the protection of 
 Augustus, who referred him to one of his cour- 
 tiers, for an introduction to the judges. On 
 which the brave veteran, piqued at the emperor's 
 coolness, exclaimed, " I did not use your high- 
 ness thus, when you were in danger at the battle 
 of Actium, but fought for you myself." Dis- 
 closing, at the same time, the wounds he had re- 
 ceived on that memorable occasion. This retort 
 so affected Augustus, that he is said to have per- 
 sonally pleaded the soldier's cause. 
 
JOE MILLER 305 
 
 747. — Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being 
 summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the 
 sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the 
 sexton's misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to 
 draw from him this expression : — " Sir, I was in 
 hopes you would have treated my failings with 
 more gentleness, or that you would have been 
 the last man alive to appear against me, as I 
 have covered so many blunders of yours! " 
 
 748. — At Gibraltar there was a great scarc- 
 ity of water, and a general complaint of the 
 want of it. An Irish officer said " He was very 
 easy about the matter, for he had nothing to do 
 with water ; if he only got his tea in the morning, 
 and punch at night, it was all that he wanted." 
 
 749. — A Gentleman came into an inn in 
 Chelmsford upon a very cold day, and could get 
 no room near the fire ; whereupon he called to the 
 ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them 
 to his horse. "Will your horse eat oysters?" 
 replied the ostler. " Try him," said the gentle- 
 man. Immediately, the people running to see 
 this wonder, the fireside was cleared, and the gen- 
 tleman had his choice of seats. The ostler 
 brought back the oysters, and said the horse 
 would not meddle with them. " Why then," 
 says the gentleman, " I must be forced to eat 
 them myself." 
 
 750. — David Hume and Lady W. once 
 passed the Frith from Kinghorn to Leith to- 
 gether, when a violent storm rendered the pas- 
 sengers apprehensive of a salt-water death; and 
 
306 JOE MILLER 
 
 her ladyship's terrors induced her to seek con- 
 solation from her friend, who with infinite sang 
 froid assured her, he thought there was great 
 probability of their becoming food for fishes. 
 " And pray, my dear friend," said lady W., 
 " which do you think they will eat first ? " — 
 " Those that are gluttons," replied Hume, " will 
 undoubtedly fall foul of me, but the epicures 
 will attack your ladyship." 
 
 751. — Some time since, at one of our seaports, 
 a noble naval commander, who is a strict disci- 
 plinarian, accosted a drunken sailor in the street, 
 with " What ship do you belong to? " Jack, 
 who was a dry fellow, notwithstanding he was 
 drunk, and had a very eccentric countenance, an- 
 swered with much sang froid, " Don't know." 
 " Do you know who I am? "— " No."—" Why, 
 I am commander-in-chief." — " Then, replied he 
 archlv, " you have a d — d good berth of it, that's 
 all I "know." 
 
 752. — A Gentleman remarked the other day 
 to an Irish baronet, that the science of optics 
 was now brought to the highest perfection ; for 
 that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just 
 purchased, he could discern objects at an in- 
 credible distance. " My dear fellow," replied 
 the good humoured baronet, " I have one at my 
 lodge in the county of Wexford that will be a 
 match for it; it brought the church of Ennis- 
 corthy so near to my view, that I could hear the 
 whole congregation singing Psalms." 
 
 753. — As the Late Mr. Rich, whose abilities 
 
JOE MILLER 307 
 
 as a Harlequin are universally known, was one 
 evening returning home from the playhouse in a 
 hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive 
 him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare 
 Market. Just as the coach passed one of the 
 windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to 
 be open, dexterously threw himself out of the 
 coach window into the room. The coachman, 
 who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, 
 descended from his box, opened the coach door, 
 and let down the step ; then, taking off his hat, 
 he waited for some time, expecting his fare to 
 alight ; but at length looking into the coach, and 
 seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses 
 on the rascal who had bilked him, remounted his 
 box, turned about, and was returning to the 
 stand ; when Rich, who had watched his oppor- 
 tunity, threw himself into the coach, looked out, 
 asked the fellow where the devil he was driving, 
 and desired him to turn about. The coachman, 
 almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, and 
 once more drew up to the door of the tavern. 
 Rich now got out ; and, after reproaching the 
 fellow with his stupidity, tendered him his 
 money. " No, God bless your honour," said the 
 coachman, " my master has ordered me to take 
 no money to-night." — " Pshaw ! " said Rich ; 
 your master's a fool ; here's a shilling for your- 
 self." — " No, no," said the coachman, who had 
 by that time remounted his box, " that won't 
 do : I know } 7 ou too well, for all your shoes — and 
 so, Mr. Devil, for once you're outwitted ! " 
 
308 JOE MILLER 
 
 754. — The witty and licentious earl of 
 Rochester meeting with he great Isaac Barrow 
 in the park, told his companions that he would 
 have some fun with the rusty old put. Accord- 
 ingly, he went up with great gravity, and, tak- 
 ing off his hat, made the Doctor a profound bow, 
 saying, " Doctor, I am yours to my shoe tie." 
 The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled 
 off his beaver, and returned the bow, with, " My 
 lord, I am yours to the ground." Rochester fol- 
 lowed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, 
 " Doctor, I am yours to the centre." Barrow, 
 with a very lowly obeisance, replied, " My lord, I 
 am yours to the Antipodes." His lordship, 
 nearly gravelled, exclaimed, " Doctor, I am 
 yours to the lowest pit of hell." — " There, my 
 lord," said Barrow, sarcastically, " I leave you" 
 and walked off. 
 
 755. — The late well-known Sandy Wood, 
 surgeon, in Edinburgh, was walking through the 
 streets of that city during the time of an illu- 
 mination, when he observed a young rascal, not 
 above twelve years of age, breaking every window 
 he could reach, with as much industry as if he 
 had been doing the most commendable action in 
 the world. Enraged at this mischievous dispo- 
 sition, Sandy seized him by the collar, and asked 
 him what he meant by thus destroying the honest 
 people's windows ? " Why, it's all for the good 
 of trade," replied the young urchin, " I am a 
 glazier" — "All for the good of trade, is it?" 
 said Sandy, raising his cane, and breaking the 
 
JOE MILLER 309 
 
 boy's head: "There, then, that's for the good 
 of my trade — I am a surgeon.''' 
 
 756. — Two Jesuits on their passage for 
 America, were desired by the master to go down 
 into the hold, as a storm was coming on ; that 
 they need not apprehend any danger as long as 
 they heard the seamen curse and swear ; but if 
 once they were silent and quiet, he would advise 
 them to betake themselves to prayers. Soon 
 after the lay brother goes to the hatches, to hear 
 what was going forward, when he quickly re- 
 turned, saying all was over, for they swore like 
 troopers, and their blasphemy alone was enough 
 to sink the vessel. " The Lord be praised for 
 it," replied the other, " marry then we are safe." 
 
 757. — When the celebrated Beau Nash was 
 ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. 
 The next day the Doctor coming to see his pa- 
 tient, inquired if he had followed his prescrip- 
 tion? "No, truly, Doctor," said Nash, "if I 
 had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw 
 it out of a two-pair of stairs window." 
 
 758. — A Young Lady who was just come out 
 of the country, and affected to dress in a very 
 plain manner, was sitting on a bench at Bath, 
 as Nash and some of his companions were pass- 
 ing by ; upon which, turning to one of them, he 
 said, " There is a smart country girl ; I will have 
 some discourse with her." Then going up to the 
 lady, " So child," savs he, " you are just come 
 to Bath, I see? " — " Yes, Sir," answered the lady, 
 " And you have been a good girl in the country, 
 
310 JOE MILLER 
 
 and learned to read your book, I hope ? " — " Yes, 
 Sir." — " Pray, now," says he, " let me examine 
 you. I know you have read your Bible, and 
 History of Tobit and his Dog; now, can you 
 tell me what was the dog's name? " — " Yes, Sir," 
 says she, " his name was Nash, and an impudent 
 dog he was." 
 
 759. — Judge Burnet, son of the famous 
 Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have 
 been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one 
 day found by his father in a very serious humour, 
 " What is the matter with you, Tom? " said the 
 Bishop ; " what are you ruminating on ? " — " A 
 greater work than your Lordship's History of 
 the Reformation," answered the son. " Ay ! 
 what is that ? " asked the father. " The refor- 
 mation of myself, my lord," replied the son. 
 
 760.— Lord Mansfield being willing to save 
 a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to 
 value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor 
 cries out, " Tenpence, my lord, why the very 
 fashion of it cost me five pounds." — " Oh," says 
 his lordship, " we must not hang a man for fash- 
 ion's sake." 
 
 761- — A Gentleman having occasion to call 
 for Mr. Joseph Graham, writer, found him at 
 home in his writing chamber. He remarked the 
 great heat of the apartment, and said, " It was 
 hot as an oven." — " So it ouerht," replied Mr. 
 G.. " for 'tis here I make my bread." 
 
 762. — King James I. grave all manner of lib- 
 erty and encouragement to the exercise of buf- 
 
JOE MILLER 311 
 
 foonery, and took great delight in it himself. 
 Happening once to bear somewhat hard on one 
 of his Scotch courtiers, " By my soul," returns 
 the peer, " he t that made your majesty a king, 
 spoiled the best fool in Christendom." 
 
 763. — A Rich Man sent to call a physician, 
 for a slight disorder. The physician felt his 
 pulse, and said, " Do you eat well? " — " Yes," 
 said the patient. " Do you sleep well? " — " I 
 do." — " Then," said the physician, " I shall give 
 you something to take away all that ! " 
 
 764.— An Irish Soldier, who came over with 
 General Moore, being asked if he met with much 
 hospitality in Holland? " O yes," replied he, 
 " too much : I was in the hospital almost all the 
 time I was there." 
 
 765. — Benjamin Franklin, when a child, 
 found the long graces used by his father before 
 and after meals very tedious. One day after the 
 winter's provision had been salted, " I think, 
 father," said Benjamin, " if you were to say 
 grace over the whole cask once for all, it would 
 be a great saving of time." 
 
 766. — A Certain bon vivant parson, hav- 
 ing made too free with the bottle at a dinner in 
 the neighbourhood, had the misfortune in return- 
 ing home to fall from his horse ; some country 
 fellows who saw the accident replaced him in his 
 saddle, but with his face towards the horse's tail ; 
 in this situation old Dobbin conveyed him safely 
 to his own door. His wife, seeing the condition 
 he was in, exclaimed, " Good God ! my dear, you 
 
312 JOE MILLER 
 
 are wonderfully cut/' — " Cut, indeed," says he, 
 feeling before him with both hands, " gad, I be- 
 lieve they have cut my horse's head off." 
 
 767. — Sir C. S. being at an inn on the 
 
 road, a report came that a gentleman had been 
 robbed, on which he swore, " That a single high- 
 wayman should not rob him." The next .morn- 
 ing, going on a journey, one met him, and re- 
 peated the very words that Sir C- had made 
 
 use of the night before ; " But there are two of 
 
 you," replied Sir C . The man, surprised 
 
 by the impromptu, suddenly turned his head 
 
 round to look for his comrade, when Sir C 
 
 instantly shot him dead. 
 
 768. — A French Officer more remarkable 
 for his birth and spirit than his riches, had served 
 the Venetian republic with great valour and 
 fidelity for some years, but had not met with pre- 
 ferment adequate, by any means, to his merits. 
 One day, he waited on an " Illustrissimo," whom 
 he had often solicited in vain, but on whose 
 friendship he had still some reliance. The re- 
 ception he met with was cool and mortifying ; the 
 noble turned his back on the necessitous veteran, 
 and left him to find his way to the street, through 
 a suit of apartments magnificently furnished. 
 He past them lost in thought, till casting his 
 eye on a sumptuous sideboard, where stood on a 
 damask cloth, as a preparation for a showy en- 
 tertainment, an invaluable collection of Venice 
 glass, polished and formed to the highest degree 
 of perfection, he took hold of a corner of the 
 
JOE MILLER 313 
 
 linen, and turning to a faithful English mastiff, 
 who always accompanied him, said to the animal, 
 in a kind of absence of mind, " There ! my poor 
 old friend! ycu see how these scoundrels enjoy 
 themselves, and yet how we are treated ! " The 
 poor dog looked up in his master's face, and 
 wagged his tail, as if he understood him. The 
 master walked on, but the mastiff slackened his 
 pace, and laying hold of the damask cloth with 
 his teeth, at one hearty pull brought all the side- 
 board in shivers to the ground, and deprived the 
 insolent noble of his favourite exhibition of 
 splendour. 
 
 769. — Charles II. once said over his bottle, 
 in his usual lively way, that he supposed some 
 stupid peasant would write a nonsensical epitaph 
 on him when he was gone — " Now," says his ma- 
 jesty, " I should like to have something appro- 
 priate and witty — Rochester, let's have a touch 
 of your pen on the subject." — His lordship in- 
 stantly obeyed the command, and produced the 
 following : — 
 
 " Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King, 
 Whose word no man relied on; 
 Who never said a foolish thing, 
 And never did a wise one." 
 
 For this keen effusion Rochester remained some 
 time in disgrace. 
 
 770. — An English stock-jobber, well known 
 upon 'Change as a man of unexampled parsi- 
 mony, although possessed of an immense fortune, 
 one day met a very poor man. one of his relations. 
 " Come hither, George," said the miser, " do 
 
314 JOE MILLER 
 
 you know I have just now made nvy will, and re- 
 membered you handsomely, my boy." — " God 
 bless you, brother," said the grateful man, " you 
 will be rewarded for so charitable an action, for 
 you could not have thought of a more distressed 
 family." — " Are you indeed so very poor, 
 George? " — " Sir, my family's starving," said 
 the man, almost crying. " Harkye, then, 
 George, if you will allow me a good discount, I 
 will pay you immediately." We need not add, 
 that the terms were accepted of, while they 
 parted equally pleased with the bargain they 
 had concluded. 
 
 771. — The Marquis St. Andre applied to 
 Louvois, the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a 
 small place then vacant. Louvois having re- 
 ceived some complaints against the marquis, re- 
 fused to comply. The nobleman, somewhat 
 nettled, rather hastily said, " If I were to enter 
 again into the service, I know what I would do." 
 — " And pray what would you do? " inquired 
 the minister in a furious tone. St. Andre recol- 
 lected himself, and had the presence of mind to 
 say, " I would take care to behave in such a man- 
 ner, that your excellency should have nothing 
 to reproach me with." Louvois, agreeably sur- 
 prised at this reply, immediately granted his re- 
 quest. 
 
 772. — Pope dining once with Frederic, 
 Prince of Wales, paid the prince many compli- 
 ments. " I wonder, Pope," said the prince, 
 " that you, who are so severe on kings, should 
 
JOE MILLER 315 
 
 be so complaisant to me." — " It is," said the 
 wily bard, " because I like the lion before his 
 claws are grown." 
 
 773. — The Town of Chartres was besieged 
 by Henry IV., and at last capitulated. The 
 magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys, 
 addressed his majesty: — " This town belongs to 
 your highness by divine law, and by human 
 law." — " And by cannon law, too," added 
 Henry. 
 
 774. — Burnet Relates, that the Habeas 
 Corpus act was carried by an odd artifice in the 
 House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being 
 named to be the tellers, and Lord Norris being 
 subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive ; 
 so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted 
 him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord 
 Norris had not observed it, he went on with this 
 misreckoning of ten, and it was reported to the 
 House, and declared, that they who were for the 
 bill, were the majority, though it indeed went on 
 the other side ; and by this means the bill passed. 
 Would to heaven that all tricks had the same 
 happy results ! 
 
 775. — Whiston says, he was informed by 
 Mr. Arthur Onslow, that it depended upon a 
 single vote in the House of Commons, whether 
 King James should be permitted to employ Pop- 
 ish officers in his army. The circumstance was 
 this: a courtier, who was to watch every member 
 that had any employment under the king, ob- 
 served one who had a regiment, and was going 
 
316 JOE MILLER 
 
 to vote against the court; upon the discovery, 
 he accosted him warmly, and put him in mind 
 of his regiment; to which the officer made an- 
 swer, " My brother died last night, and left me 
 seven hundred a year ; " which single vote 
 gained a majority, and, says Whiston, saved the 
 Protestant religion at this time. 
 
 776.—" Me. Pitt," said the Duchess of Gor- 
 don, " I wish you to dine with me at ten this 
 evening." — " I must decline the honour," said 
 the premier, " for I am engaged to sup with the 
 Bishop of Lincoln at nine." 
 
 777. — Henry IV., having bestowed the cor- 
 don bleu on a nobleman, at the solicitation of the 
 Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the 
 nobleman made the customary speech, " Sire, I 
 am not worthy." — " I know it well," said the 
 king, " but I give you the order to please my 
 cousin dc Nevers." 
 
 778. — A Facetious Abbe having engaged a 
 box at the opera-house at Paris, was turned out 
 of his possession by a marshal of France, as re- 
 markable for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as 
 for his cowardice and meanness. The abbe, for 
 his unjustifiable breach of good manners, 
 brought his action in a court of honour, and sol- 
 icited permission to be his own advocate, which 
 was granted, when he pleaded to the following 
 effect : — " It is not of Monsieur Suffrein, who 
 acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I com- 
 plain ; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who 
 took Minorca, that I complain ; it is not of the 
 
JOE MILLER 317 
 
 Count de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord 
 Rodney, that I complain ; but it is of Mar- 
 shal , who took my box at the opera-house, 
 
 and never took anything else." This most poig- 
 nant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the 
 court that he had already inflicted punishment 
 sufficient, that they refused to grant him a ver- 
 dict — a fine compliment to the abbe's wit. 
 
 779. — Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talk- 
 ing to a friend about the antiquity of his family, 
 which he carried up to Noah, was told that he 
 was a mere mushroom of yesterday. " How so, 
 pray? " said the baronet.—" Why," continued 
 the other, " when I was in Wales, a pedigree of 
 a particular family was shewn to me : it filled up 
 above five large skins of parchment, and near 
 the middle of it was a note in the margin: — 
 About this time the world was created." 
 
 780. — When Queen Elizabeth proposed to 
 Dr. Dale the employment of being her ambas- 
 sador in Flanders, among other encouragements, 
 she told him that he should have twenty shillings 
 a day for his expenses. " Then, madam," said 
 lie, " I will spend nineteen shillings a day." — 
 " And what will } r ou do with the odd shilling? " 
 asked the queen. — " I will reserve that for mv 
 Kate, and for Tom and Dick ; " meaning his 
 wife and children. This induced the queen to 
 enlarge his allowance. — During the doctor's stay 
 abroad, he once sent, in a packet to the secre- 
 taries of state, two letters, one to the queen and 
 the other to his wife ; but that which was in- 
 
318 JOE MILLER 
 
 tended for the queen was superscribed, " To his 
 dear wife; " and the other, " For her most ex- 
 cellent majesty : " so that when the queen opened 
 her letter, she found it beginning with " Sweet- 
 heart," and afterwards met with the expressions 
 " my dear," and " dear love," and others of the 
 like kind, acquainting her with the embarrassed 
 state of his circumstances. This mistake oc- 
 casioned much mirth, but it procured the doctor 
 a supply of money. 
 
 The doctor being engaged with some other am- 
 bassadors in a negotiation, a dispute arose con- 
 cerning the language in which they should treat : 
 the Spanish minister said that the French would 
 be the most proper, " Because," said he to Dr. 
 Dale, " your mistress calls herself Queen of 
 France."—" Nay, then," said the doctor, " let 
 us treat in Hebrew, for your master calls himself 
 King of Jerusalem." 
 
 781.— When Philip III., King of Spain, 
 sent his ambassador to treat with the States of 
 Holland about their independence, he was shown 
 into an ante-chamber, where he waited to see the 
 members of the States pass by. He stood for 
 some time, and seeing none but a parcel of plain- 
 dressed men, with bundles in their hands (which, 
 as many of them came from distant provinces, 
 contained their linen and provisions), he turned 
 to his interpreter, and asked him, " When the 
 States would come? " The man replied, " That 
 those were the members whom he saw ^o by." 
 Upon which he wrote to the commander-in-chief 
 
JOE MILLER 319 
 
 of the Spanish army, to advise the king, his mas- 
 ter, to make peace as soon as possible. In his 
 letter was this remarkable passage : — " I ex- 
 pected to have seen in the States a splendid ap- 
 pearance ; but instead of that, I saw only a par- 
 cel of plain-dressed men, with sensible faces, who 
 came into council with provisions in their hands. 
 Their parsimony will ruin the king, my master, 
 in the course of the war, if it is continued ; for 
 there is no contending with people whose nobles 
 can live upon a shilling a-day, and will do every 
 tiling for the service of their country." The 
 king, struck with the account, agreed to treat 
 with them, as an independent state, and put an 
 end to the war. 
 
 782. — Sir Fuek Grevilee, was a member of 
 the House of Commons when that body insisted 
 much upon the value of precedents. " Why," 
 said he, " do you stand so much upon prece- 
 dents? The times hereafter will be good or bad. 
 If good, precedents will do no harm; if 
 bad, power will make a way where it finds 
 none." 
 
 783. — The Good Humoured Baron 
 Thompson was once in a convivial party, at 
 which several gentlemen ranking high in the 
 legal profession were present. Much wine had 
 been drank, and the company had been highly 
 
 entertained by the facetious Henry W , 
 
 whose elegant and refined wit charmed all his 
 hearers. He had given imitations of some of the 
 barristers and most of the judges, and the 
 
S£0 JOE MILLER 
 
 baron's mirth and applause were particularly 
 
 loud. " There is one other person, Mr. W ,' 
 
 said the judge, " whose manner I should like to 
 see imitated." — "Who is that, my lord?"- — 
 "Myself, Sir,"— "Oh, my lord, that is quite 
 out of the question, present company are alwa}^s 
 excepted." — " Why, Sir, if you will try your 
 powers on myself I shall be obliged to you." 
 After considerable persuasion, W drew him- 
 self up in his chair, and blowing out his cheeks, 
 presented to his auditors a complete duplicate 
 of the Baron. A burst of applause immediately 
 followed, in which the good natured judge 
 heartily joined. The imitator apparently un- 
 moved, proceeded in a charge to the grand jury, 
 closely imitating the voice and manner of the 
 judge. " Law is law, and men are made to live 
 according to law, without any respect for the 
 gospel ; for that is another thing, to be con- 
 sidered at another time, in another place, and by 
 another set of men, vide Coke upon Littleton, 
 chap. ii. p. 312. Now, there are some men that 
 are good men, and some men that are bad men, 
 and the bad men are not the good men, and the 
 good men are not the bad men ; but the bad men 
 and the good men, and the good men and the bad 
 men, are two different sorts of men ; and this we 
 may glean from Magna Charter, an o 1 I man, 
 who lived in the reign of King John the Wise. 
 Therefore, the law is made for the bad men, 
 and the good men have nothing to do therewith, 
 nor any profit or advantage to derive therefrom 
 
JOE MILLER 3%1 
 
 — therefore, bring up the prisoners, and hang 
 them, for I must go out of town to-morrow." 
 
 784. — Philip, the father of Alexander, 
 knowing his son to be very swift, pressed him to 
 run for the prize at the Olympic games. " I 
 would comply with your wishes," replied Alex- 
 ander, " if kings were to be my competitors." 
 
 785. — Lord Armadale, one of the Scotch 
 judges, had a son, who, at the age of eleven or 
 twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morn- 
 ing his lady-mother hearing a noise in the nurs- 
 ery, rang to know the cause of it. " It is only," 
 said the servant, " the major greeting (crying) 
 for his porridge ! " 
 
 786. — Henry VIII. , after the death of Jane 
 Seymour, had some difficulty to get another wife. 
 His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of 
 Milan ; but her answer is said to have been, — 
 that she had but one head ; if she had two, one 
 should have been at his service. 
 
 787. — Sir Wm. Gooch being engaged in 
 conversation with a gentleman in a street of the 
 city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a 
 negro, who was passing by about his master's 
 business. " Sir William," said the gentleman, 
 " do you descend so far as to salute a slave ? " 
 — " Why, yes," replied the governor ; " I can- 
 not suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in 
 good manners." 
 
 788. — John Basilowitz, the czar of Russia, 
 perceiving Sir Jeremy Bowes, the ambassador of 
 
322 JOE MILLER 
 
 Queen Elizabeth, with his hat on in his presence, 
 thus rebuked him : " Have you not heard, Sir, of 
 the person I have punished for such an insult? " 
 He had, in fact, punished him very savagely, by 
 causing his hat to be struck through with a nail, 
 and thus fastened to his head. Sir Jeremy an- 
 swered, " Yes, Sire, but I am the Queen of Eng- 
 land's ambassador, who never yet stood bare- 
 headed to any prince whatever: her I represent, 
 and on her justice I depend to do me right, if I 
 am insulted." — " A brave fellow this," said the 
 czar, turning to his nobles ; " a brave fellow 
 truly, who dares thus to act and talk for his 
 sovereign's honour ! Which of you would do so 
 for me? " 
 
 789. — Lord Hunsdon, a distinguished noble- 
 man in the court of Elizabeth, once said, " To 
 have the courage to notice an affront is to be 
 upon a level with an adversary : to have the char- 
 ity to forgive it, is to be above him." 
 
 790. — It was some years ago said in the Par- 
 liament-house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman, 
 who was notorious for a pretty good appetite, 
 had eaten away his senses. " Pooh ! " replied 
 Harry Erskine, " they would not be a mouthful 
 to a man of his bowels." 
 
 791. — Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, 
 who served George the Third, was a great fav- 
 ourite with the good old king, and was admitted 
 to the honours of the roval hunt. Returning 
 from the chase one day, his majesty entered, in 
 
JOE MILLER 323 
 
 his usual affable manner, into conversation with 
 him, riding side by side with him, for some dis- 
 tance. Lord Walshingham was in attendance, 
 and watching an opportunity, whispered to Mr. 
 Carbonel, that he had not once taken his hat off 
 before his majesty. " What's that, what's that, 
 Walsingham? " inquired the good-humoured 
 monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, " I find I 
 have been guilty of unintentional disrespect to 
 your majesty, in not taking off my hat; but 
 your majesty will please to observe, that when- 
 ever I hunt my hat is fastened to my wig, and 
 my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a 
 high-spirited horse; so that if any thing goes 
 off, we must all. go off together! " The king 
 laughed heartily at this whimsical apolog} 7 . 
 
 792. — When Fenelon was almoner to the 
 king, and attending Louis XIV. at a sermon 
 preached by a Capuchin, he fell asleep. The 
 Capuchin perceived it, and breaking off his dis- 
 course, said, " Awake, thou sleeping Abbe, who 
 comest here only to pay thy court to the king ; " 
 an anecdote which he often related with pleasure 
 after he was Bishop of Cambray. At another 
 time the king was astonished to find, instead of 
 a numerous congregation in his chapel, only 
 Fenelon and the priest. " What is the reason of 
 all this?" said the king. "I caused it to be 
 given out, Sire," replied Fenelon, " that your 
 majesty did not attend chapel to-day, that you 
 might know who came to worship God, and who 
 to flatter the king." 
 
324 JOE MILLER 
 
 793. — Henry the Eighth hunting; in 
 Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the 
 abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as 
 one of the royal guards, he was invited to the 
 abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, of 
 which he ate as lustily as any beef-eater. " Well 
 fare thy heart," quoth the abbot, " and here in 
 a cup of sack I remember the health of his grace 
 your master. I would give a hundred pounds 
 that I could feed on beef as hearty as you do. 
 Alas ! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely di- 
 gest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily 
 pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer, 
 and departed undiscovered. Shortly afterwards 
 the abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close 
 prisoner, and fed on bread and water, ignorant 
 of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At 
 last, a sirloin of beef was set before him, on 
 which his long hunger made him feed voraci- 
 ously. " My lord abbot," exclaimed the king, 
 entering from a private closet, " instantly de- 
 posit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. 
 I have been your physician; and here, as I de- 
 serve it, I demand my fee." The abbot would 
 willingly have paid the sum, but Henry, laugh- 
 ing loudly, put him aside on that point, and left 
 him to enjoy his improved powers of digestion 
 in peace and quietness. 
 
 794. — A Certain noble lord being in his 
 early years much addicted to dissipation, his 
 mother advised him to take example by a gen- 
 tleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink 
 
JOE MILLER 325 
 
 water. " What ! madam," said he, " would you 
 have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast 
 and drinks like a fish? " 
 
 795. — A Young Lady of Brunswick, an at- 
 tendant on the late duchess, mortified that, from 
 her neglected education, she was precluded from 
 joining in the literary conversations which were 
 frequently introduced at that court, requested 
 her royal mistress to furnish her with such books 
 as might enable her to remedy this defect. Her 
 royal highness, smiling, handed her a Diction- 
 ary ; and next day asked her how she liked it. 
 "Oh! it is delightful!" said the fair student: 
 " there are some books which I have seen, where 
 the words are so huddled together, that one 
 does not know what to make of them ; but here it 
 is quite a pleasure to see them all drawn up in 
 order, like so many soldiers on a parade." 
 
 796. — Charles the Second asked Bishop 
 Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in 
 general without book, but always read the ser- 
 mons which he delivered before the court. The 
 bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before 
 him so great and wise a prince made him afraid 
 to trust himself. " But will your majesty," con- 
 tinued he, " permit me to ask you a question in 
 my turn — Why do you read your speeches to 
 parliament?" — "Why, doctor," replied the 
 king, " I'll tell you very candidly. I have 
 asked them so often for money, that I am 
 ashamed to look them in the face ! " 
 
 797. — The republic of Genoa having irri- 
 
326 JOE MILLER 
 
 tated Louis XIV, were forced to send to France 
 an embassy to appease him, in the unexampled 
 selection of the doge himself, and four senators. 
 The doge was conducted, among other places, 
 to Versailles, then in all its glory — which he 
 could not but greatly admire: but when he was 
 asked what struck him most in this extraordinary 
 spot, he answered, " To see myself there." 
 
 798. — When all the court were sliding upon 
 the Seine, which was frozen over, Henri Quatre 
 wished also to join them. One of his courtiers 
 wished to prevent him. " The others are skat- 
 ing," said the king. " Ah, Sire," replied the 
 courtier, " but you are of greater weight than 
 the others." 
 
 799. — Sir Joseph Williamson, secretary of 
 state to Charles the Second, wrote to the Lady 
 Anne, widow of the Earl of Dorset and Pem- 
 broke, to ask her for the nomination of a member 
 for the borough of Appleby. The countess, 
 with all the spirit of her ancestors, returned the 
 following laconic reply : — " I have been bullied 
 by an usurper, I have been neglected by a court, 
 but I will not be dictated to by a sub j ect ; your 
 man sha'n't stand. Anne Dorset." 
 
 800. — At the commencement of the American 
 war, Mr. Grenville, then in power, wishing to 
 know how the Quaker-colonists stood affected, 
 sent a message to Dr. Fothergill, intimating that 
 he was indisposed, and desiring to see him in the 
 evening. The doctor came, and his patient im- 
 mediately entering on the popular topic of 
 
JOE MILLER Sr{ 
 
 American affairs, drew from him the information 
 he wanted. The conversation held through a 
 large portion of the evening, and it was con- 
 cluded by Mr. Grenville saying, he found him- 
 self so much better for the doctor's visit, that he 
 would not trouble him to prescribe. In parting, 
 Mr. Grenville slipped five guineas into the doc- 
 tor's hand, which Fothergill surveying, said with 
 a dry, arch tone, " At this rate, friend, I will 
 spare thee an hour now and then ! " 
 
 801. — Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in 
 winter, feeling it extremely cold, instinctively 
 drew his chair very close to the grate, in which 
 a fire had been recently lighted. By degrees, 
 the fire being completely kindled, Sir Isaac felt 
 the heat intolerably intense, and rung his bell 
 with unusual violence. John was not at hand; 
 he at last made his appearance by the time Sir 
 Isaac was almost literally roasted. " Remove 
 the grate, you lazy rascal ! " exclaimed Sir Isaac, 
 in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that 
 amiable and placid philosopher ; " remove the 
 grate, ere I am burned to death ! "- — " Please, 
 your honour, might you not rather draw back 
 your chair? " said John, a little waggishly. 
 " Upon my word," said Sir Isaac, smiling, " I 
 never thought of that." 
 
 302. — A Corporal of the life guards of 
 Frederick the Great, who had a great deal of 
 vanity, but at the same time was a brave fellow, 
 wore a watch chain, to which he affixed a musket 
 bullet, instead of a watch, which he was unable 
 
328 JOE MILLER 
 
 to buy. The king being inclined one day to 
 rally him, said, " Apropos, corporal, you must 
 have been very frugal to buy a watch; it is six 
 o'clock by mine: tell me what it is by yours." 
 The soldier, who guessed the king's intention, 
 instantly drew the bullet from his fob, and said, 
 " Sire, my watch neither marks five nor six 
 o'clock ; but it tells me every moment that it is 
 my duty to die for your majesty." — " Here, my 
 friend," said the king, quite affected, " take this 
 watch, that you may be able to tell the hour also." 
 And gave him his watch, which was adorned with 
 brilliants. 
 
 806. — The late Duchess of York having de- 
 sired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, 
 a decent-looking woman was recommended to the 
 situation. " But," said the housekeeper, " I am 
 afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as 
 she is a soldier's wife, and these people are gen- 
 erally loose characters ! " — " What is it you 
 say? " said the duke, who had just entered the 
 room, " a soldier's wife ! Pray, madam, what is 
 your mistress? I desire that the woman may be 
 immediately engaged." 
 
 804. — The Celebrated Hogarth was one 
 of the most absent of men. Soon after he set 
 up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit 
 to the lord-mayor. When he went the weather 
 was fine; but he was detained by business till a 
 violent shower of rain came on. Being let out 
 of the mansion-house by a different door from 
 that at which he had entered, he immediately be- 
 
JOE MILLER 329 
 
 gan to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could 
 be procured; on which Hogarth sallied forth to 
 brave the storm, and actually reached his house 
 in Leicesterfields without bestowing a thought on 
 his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished 
 to see him so wet and hurried, asked him where 
 he had left it. 
 
 805. — At a City Feast one of the company 
 was expatiating on the blessings of Providence. 
 " Aye," said the late Sir William Curtis, smack- 
 ing his lips, " it is a blessed place, sure enough ; 
 we get all our turtle from it." 
 
 806. — As the late beautiful Duchess of Devon- 
 shire was one day stepping out of her carriage, 
 a dustman, who was accidently standing by, and 
 was about to regale himself with his accustomed 
 whiff of tobacco, caught a glance cf her counte- 
 nance, and instantly exclaimed, " Love and bless 
 you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your 
 eyes ! " It is said the duchess was delighted with 
 this compliment, that she frequently afterwards 
 checked the strain of adulation, which was so 
 constantly offered to her charms, by saying, 
 " Oh ! after the dustman's compliment, all others 
 are insipid." 
 
 807. — When Bajazet, after his defeat, was 
 carried into the presence of Timur Lench, that 
 is, Timur the Lame, vulgarly Timurlane ; on 
 perceiving that Bajazet had but one eye, Timur 
 burst into loud laughter. The Turk, who could 
 ill brook any incivility, said fiercely, " You may 
 deride my misfortunes, Timur, but remember 
 
330 JOE MILLER 
 
 they might have happened to yourself. The 
 disposal of kingdoms is in the hands of God, and 
 their states depend on his will." Timur replied 
 with equal haughtiness, " I agree with your ob- 
 servation: I did not laugh at your misfortune, 
 but at a reflection that just occurred to my mind 
 how little value thrones and sceptres possess in 
 the judgment of God; who has taken a kingdom 
 from a man with one eye, to give it to another 
 with one leg." 
 
 808. — Admiral Keppel being sent to Algiers 
 for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for 
 the injuries done to his Britannic majesty's sub- 
 jects by the corsairs of that state, the dey, en- 
 raged at the boldness of the ambassador, ex- 
 claimed, " that he wondered at the insolence of 
 the English monarch, in sending him a message 
 by a foolish beardless boy." The admiral im- 
 mediately replied, that " if his master had sup- 
 posed his wisdom was to be measured by the 
 length of his beard, he would have sent his dey- 
 ship a he-goat." Unused to such spirited lan- 
 guage, this reply put the dey beside himself, 
 and forgetting the laws of nations, ordered his 
 mutes to attend with the bow-string, saying, that 
 the admiral should pa}^ for his audacity with his 
 life. Unmoved by this menace, the ambassador 
 took the dey to a window facing the bay, and 
 showing him the English fleet, told him that if 
 it were his pleasure to put him to death, there 
 were Englishmen enough in that fleet to make 
 him a glorious funeral pile. The dey wps wise 
 
JOE MILLER 331 
 
 enough to take the hint ; the admiral came off in 
 safety, and ample restitution was made. 
 
 809. — When Spenser had finished his famous 
 poem of the Fairy Queen, he carried it to the 
 Earl of Southampton, the great patron of the 
 poets of that day. The manuscript being sent 
 up to the earl, he read a few pages, and then 
 ordered his servant to give the writer twenty 
 pounds. Reading on, he cried in a rapture, 
 " Carry that man another twenty pounds." 
 Proceeding farther, he exclaimed, " Give him 
 twenty pounds more." But at length he lost all 
 patience, and said, " Go, turn that fellow out of 
 the house, for if I read farther, I shall be 
 ruined." 
 
 810. — A Young Woman had laid a wager she 
 would descend into a vault, in the middle of the 
 night, and bring from thence a skull. The per- 
 son who took the wager had previously hid him- 
 self in the vault, and as the girl seized a skull, 
 cried, in a hollow voice, " Leave me my head ! " 
 — " There it is," said the girl, throwing it down 
 and catching up another. " Leave me my head ! " 
 said the same voice. " Nay, nay," said the 
 heroic lass, " you cannot have had two heads ;" 
 so brought the skull and won the wager. 
 
 811. — In some parish churches it is the cus- 
 tom to separate the men from the women. A 
 clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, 
 stopped short; when a woman, eager for the 
 honour of her sex, arose and said, " Your rever- 
 ence, the noise is not among us," — " So much the 
 
332 JOE MILLER 
 
 better," answered the priest, " it will be the 
 sconer over." 
 
 812. — Alexander the Great, passing 
 through Corinth, had the curiosity to go to see 
 the philosopher Diogenes, who was there at that 
 time. He found him seated in a covered tub, 
 with the open part turned towards the sun. " I 
 am the great King Alexander," said he to the 
 philosopher. " And I am the dog Diogenes," 
 replied the philosopher. " I am a good man," 
 said Alexander. " Well, who has any reason to 
 fear the good? " replied Diogenes. Alexander 
 admired the subtlety of his mind, and the free 
 manner in which he spoke. After having some 
 conversation with him, he said to him, " I see, 
 Diogenes, you are in want of many things. I 
 shall be A^ery glad to give you my assistance. 
 Ask of me whatever you please." — " Get then 
 from between me and the sun (said he), and do 
 not take from me that which you cannot give 
 me." Alexander was astonished, having never 
 before met with any man who was above all hu- 
 man concerns. " Who is the richer man (con- 
 tinued Diogenes), he who is contented with his 
 cloak and his wallet, or he who having an ex- 
 tensive kingdom, is not satisfied, and who every 
 day exposes himself to a thousand dangers to 
 extend its limits?" Alexander's courtiers were 
 very angry, that so great a king should so long 
 honour with Ins conversation such a surly wretch 
 as Diogenes, who did no\ even rise from his seat 
 while he spoke to, him. The king perceived 
 
JOE MILLER 333 
 
 their anger, and turning about said to them, " If 
 I were not Alexander I would wish to be Dio- 
 genes." 
 
 813. — Lord Mansfield, on making a report 
 to King George III. of the conviction of Mr. 
 Malowny, a Catholic priest, who was found 
 guilty, in Surrey, of celebrating mass, was in- 
 duced, by a sense of reason and humanity, to 
 represent to his majesty the excessive severity of 
 tlie penalty which the law imposed for the of- 
 fence. The king, in a tone of the most heart- 
 felt benignity, immediately answered, " God for- 
 bid, my lord, that religious difference in opinion 
 should sanction prosecution, or admit of one man 
 within my realms to suffer unjustly! therefore, 
 issue a pardon for Mr. Malowny, and see that he 
 is set at liberty." 
 
 814. — When Oliver Cromwell, accompa- 
 nied by his secretary Thurlow, once went to dine 
 with the Lord Mayor, the populace rent the air 
 with their gratulations, and the streets echoed 
 with " Long live my Lord Protector ! " — " Your 
 Llighness," said the secretary, " may see by this 
 that you have the voice of the people, as well 
 as the voice of God." — " As to God," replied 
 Cromwell, " we will not talk about him here ; 
 but for the people they would be just as noisy, 
 and perhaps more rejoiced, if you and I were 
 going to be hanged." 
 
 815. — When Moliere, the comic poet, 
 died, the Archbishop of Paris would not let his 
 body be buried in consecrated ground. The 
 
334 JOE MILLER 
 
 king, being informed of this, sent for the arch- 
 bishop, and expostulated with him about it ; but, 
 finding the prelate inflexibly obstinate, his ma- 
 jesty asked how many feet deep the consecrated 
 ground reached? This question coming by sur- 
 prise, the archbishop replied about eight. 
 " Well," answered the king, " I find there's no 
 getting the better of your scruples, therefore, let 
 his grave be dug twelve feet deep, that's four 
 below your consecrated ground, and let him be 
 buried there." 
 
 816. — Dr. Johnson, in his tour through 
 North Wales, passed two days at the seat of 
 Colonel Middleton of Gwynagag. While he re- 
 mained there, the gardener caught a hare amidst 
 some potato plants, and brought it to his master, 
 then engaged in conversation with the doctor. 
 An order was given to carry it to the cook. As 
 soon as Johnson heard this sentence, he begged 
 to have the animal placed in his arms ; which 
 was no sooner done, than, approaching the win- 
 dow, then half open, he restored the hare to her 
 liberty, shouting after her to accelerate her 
 speed. "What have you done?" cried the 
 colonel ; " why, doctor, you have robbed my table 
 of a delicacy, perhaps deprived us of a dinner." 
 — " So much the better, Sir," replied the humane 
 champion of a condemned hare; " for if your 
 table is to be supplied at the expense of the laws 
 of hospitality, I envy not the appetite of him 
 who eats it. This, Sir, is not a hare ferae naturae, 
 but one which had placed herself under your 
 
JOE MILLER S35 
 
 protection ; and savage indeed must be that man 
 who does not make his hearth an asylum for the 
 confiding stranger." 
 
 817. — When Cortez returned to Spain, he 
 was coolly received by the emperor, Charles the 
 Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself 
 to that monarch. "Who are you?" said the 
 emperor, haughtily. " The man," said Cortez, 
 as haughtily, " who has given you more prov- 
 inces than your ancestors left you cities." 
 
 818. — James I. being one day at play, with 
 a fellow-pupil, his tutor, Buchanan, who was 
 reading, desired them to make less noise. Find- 
 ing that they disregarded his admonition, he 
 told his majesty, if he did not hold his tongue, 
 he would certainly whip him. The king, allud- 
 ing to the fable, replied, he would be glad to see 
 who would bell the cat. Buchanan, in a passion, 
 threw the book from him, and inflicted on his 
 majesty a sound flogging. The old Countess of 
 Mar rushed into the room, and taking the king 
 in her arms, asked how he dared to lay his hands 
 on the Lord's anointed. " Madam," replied the 
 elegant and immortal historian, " I have whipped 
 his bottom: you may kiss it, if you please." 
 When Buchanan was asked how he came to make 
 a pedant of his royal pupil, he answered — He 
 thought he did a great deal to make anything 
 of him. 
 
 819. — Among the addresses presented upon 
 the accession of James the First, was one from 
 the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his ma- 
 
336 JOE MILLER 
 
 jesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and 
 stars endured. " Faith, mon," said the king to 
 the person who presented it, " if I do, my son 
 must reign by candle-light." — When the same 
 monarch went to Salisbury, one of the active ad- 
 venturers of those days climbed up the outside 
 of the spire of the cathedral, and at the top 
 made three summersets in honour of his Majesty ; 
 who, being applied to for a reward, gave him 
 a patent, whereby every other of his subjects, 
 except the aforesaid man, and his heirs male, was 
 prohibited from climbing steeples forever. 
 
 820. — This Monarch, soon after his acces- 
 sion to the English throne, was present in a court 
 of justice, to observe the pleadings in a cause 
 of some consequence. The counsel for the plain- 
 tiff having finished, the king was so perfectly 
 satisfied, that he exclaimed, " 'Tis a plain case ! " 
 and was about to leave the court. Being per- 
 suaded, however, to stay and hear the other side 
 of the question, the pleaders for the defendant 
 made the case no less plain on their side. On this 
 the monarch arose and departed in a great pas- 
 sion, exclaiming, " They are all rogues alike." 
 
 821. — Frederick, conqueror as he was, sus- 
 tained a severe defeat at Coslin in the war of 
 1755. — Some time after, at a review, he jocosely 
 asked a soldier, who had got a deep cut in his 
 cheek, " Friend, at what alehouse did you get 
 that scratch? " — " I got it," said the soldier, 
 " at Coslin, where your majesty paid the reckon- 
 ing." 
 

 JOE MILLER 337 
 
 . 822. — Several years since, the bargemen of 
 His Majesty's ship Berwick, then at Spithead, 
 quarrelled with the bargemen of the ship which 
 Admiral Milbank then commanded as captain, 
 and the latter were heartily drubbed, to the no 
 small mortification of the admiral, who was in his 
 younger days exceedingly athletic, and somewhat 
 addicted to boxing. A few days after, the ad- 
 miral called the boat's crew together, upbraided 
 them for a set of cowards, dressed himself in a 
 common jacket and trousers, and observing the 
 Berwick's barge rowing ashore to Portsmouth 
 beach, ordered his own to be immediately 
 manned: and thus disguised, took an oar as one 
 of the crew. The coxswain, as particularly di- 
 rected, run the head of his barge against the 
 Berwick's barge quarter ; in consequence of which 
 a broadside of oaths were given and returned, 
 which produced a challenge to fight with more 
 substantial weapons. The admiral, as cham- 
 pion of his crew, beat the whole of the other 
 barge's crew, one after the other (eleven in num- 
 ber), to the great joy and admiration of his 
 sailors, and then making himself know r n, went 
 and visited his friends in Portsmouth, as if noth- 
 ing had. happened. 
 
 823. — When the baggage of Lady Hamilton 
 was landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson's coxswain 
 was very active in conveying it to the ambassa- 
 dor's hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and 
 presenting the man with a moidore. said, " Now, 
 my friend, what will you have to drink? " — 
 
338 JOE MILLER 
 
 " Why, please your honour," said the coxswain, 
 " I'm not thirsty."—" But," said her Ladyship, 
 " Nelson's steersman must drink with me, so 
 what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, or a 
 glass of punch?"— "Why," said Jack, "as I 
 am to drink with your Ladyship's honour, it 
 wouldn't be good manners to be backward, so I'll 
 take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass 
 of grog while your Ladyship is mixing the tum- 
 bler of punch for me." 
 
 824. — A Scotch pedestrian attacked by three 
 highwaymen defended himself with great cour- 
 age and obstinacy, but was at last overpowered, 
 and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, 
 from the extraordinary resistance they had ex- 
 perienced, to lay their hands on some rich booty ; 
 but were not a little surprised to discover, that 
 the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian 
 had been defending at the hazard of his life, con- 
 sisted of no more than a crooked sixpence : " The 
 deuce is in him," said one of the rogues ; " if he 
 had had eighteen pence, I suppose he would have 
 killed the whole of us." 
 
 END OF VOL. I. 
 
JOE MILLER'S 
 
 COMPLETE JRST BOOK 
 
 Being a Collection of the Most Excellent 
 Bon Mots, Brilliant Jests, and vStriking 
 Anecdotes in the English Language 
 
 With an Introduction by Andrew G. Dickinson, Ji 
 
 Unabridged Edition 
 
 TWO VOLUMES IX ONE 
 
 WILLIAM T. HENDERSON 
 i56 FIFTH AVE. NEW YORK 1903 
 
Copyright 1903 
 
 by 
 
 William T. Henderson 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 825. — In the Engagement between the 
 English fleet, under the Duke of Albemarle, and 
 the Dutch fleet, commanded by De Ruyter and 
 Van Tromp, the Henry, commanded by Sir John 
 Harman, was surrounded and assailed from all 
 quarters by the Zealand squadron ; so that ad- 
 miral Evertzen, who commanded it, hailed and 
 offered him quarter. " No, Sir," said the gal- 
 lant officer, " it is not come to that yet." The 
 next broadside killed the Dutch admiral, by 
 which means the squadron was thrown into con- 
 fusion, and obliged to quit the Henry ; but the 
 Dutch sent three fire-ships to burn her. One of 
 them grappled her starboard quarter, but the 
 smoke was too thick to discern where the grap- 
 pling irons had hooked, until the blaze had sub- 
 sided, when the boatswain resolutely jumped on 
 board, disentangled the irons, and instantly re- 
 gained his own ship. Scarcely was this effected, 
 before another fire-ship boarded her on the lar- 
 board side ; the sails and rigging of the Henry 
 taking fire, destruction seemed inevitable, and 
 several of the crew threw themselves into the sea ; 
 upon which Sir John Harman drew his sword, 
 and threatened to kill anyone who should quit 
 
4 JOE MILLER 
 
 the ship. At length, the exertions of the re- 
 maining crew extinguished the flames. Sir John 
 Harman, although his leg was broken, continued 
 on deck, giving directions, and sunk another 
 fire-ship, which was bearing down upon him. In 
 this crippled state he got into Harwich, and re- 
 paired the damages his ship had sustained. 
 
 826. — The Hero of this little narrative was 
 a Hottentot, of the name of Von Wyhk, and we 
 give the story of his perilous and fearful shot 
 in his own words : " It is now," said he, " more 
 than two years since in the very place where we 
 stand, I ventured to take one of the most daring 
 shots that ever was hazarded: my wife was sit- 
 ting in the house near the door, the children 
 were playing about her. I was without, near the 
 house, busied in doing something to a waggon, 
 when suddenly, though it was mid-day, an enor- 
 mous lion appeared, came up, and laid himself 
 quietly down in the shade upon the very thresh- 
 old of the door. My wife, either frozen with 
 fear or aware of the danger attending any at- 
 tempt to fly, remained motionless in her place, 
 while the children took refuge in her lap. The 
 cry they uttered attracted my attention, and I 
 hastened towards the door ; but my astonishment 
 may be well conceived, when I found the entrance 
 barred in such a manner. Although the animal 
 had not seen me, escape, unarmed as I was, ap- 
 peared impossible. Yet I glided gently, 
 scarcely knowing what I meant to do, to the side 
 of the house, up to the window of my chamber, 
 
JOE .MILLER 5 
 
 where I knew my loaded gun was standing. By 
 a happy chance, I had set it in a corner close by 
 the window, so that I could reach it with my 
 hand : for as you may perceive, the opening is 
 too small to admit of my having got in ; and 
 still more fortunately, the door of the room was 
 open, so that I could see the whole danger of 
 the scene. The lion was beginning to move, per- 
 haps with the intention of making a spring; 
 there was no longer any time to think ; I called 
 softly to the mother not to be afraid, and, invok- 
 ing the name of the Lord, fired my piece. The 
 ball passed directly over my boy's head, and 
 lodged in the forehead of the lion immediately 
 above his eyes, which shot forth as it were sparks 
 of fire, and stretched him on the ground, so that 
 he never stirred more." 
 
 827. — Baron D'Adrets occasionally made 
 his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from 
 the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes 
 of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate per- 
 sons having approached the battlements twice, 
 without venturing to leap, the baron reproached 
 him with his want of courage, in a very insulting 
 manner. " Why, Sir," said the prisoner, " bold 
 as you are, I would give you five times before 
 you took the leap." This pleasantry saved the 
 poor fellow's life. 
 
 828. — George II. passing through his cham- 
 ber one evening, preceded by a single page, a 
 small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in 
 his hand accidentally dropped, and one of tihem 
 
6 JOE MILLER 
 
 rolled under a closet door, in which wood was 
 usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. 
 After the king had very deliberately picked up 
 the money, he found himself deficient of a 
 guinea ; and, guessing where it went, " Come," 
 said he to the page, " we must find this guinea ; 
 here, help me throw out the wood." The page 
 xnd he accordingly went to work, and in a short 
 t^ne found it. " Well," said the king, " you 
 have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your 
 labour, but I would have nothing lost." 
 
 829. — Dean Swift knew an old woman of 
 the name of Margaret Styles, who was much ad- 
 * dieted to drinking. Though frequently admon- 
 ished by him, he one day found her at the bottom 
 of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks, with which, 
 being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The 
 dean, after severely rebuking her, asked her, 
 " Where she thought of going to? " (meaning 
 after her death.) " I'll tell you, Sir," said she, 
 " if you'll help me up." When he had assisted 
 her, and repeated his question — " where do I 
 think of going to? " said she, " where the best 
 liquor is, to be sure." 
 
 830. — A Jew, who was condemned to be 
 hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was 
 just on the point of being turned off, when a re- 
 prieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and 
 it was expected he would instantly have quitted 
 the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-pris- 
 oners hanged ; and being asked, why he did not 
 get about his business, lie said, " He waited to 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 see if he could bargain with Maister Kctsch for 
 the two gentlemen's clothes." 
 
 831. — An English Drummer having strolled 
 from the camp, approached the French lines, and 
 before he was aware, was seized by the pique! 
 and carried before the commander, on suspicion 
 of being a spy, disguised in a drummer's uni 
 form. On being questioned, however, he hon- 
 estly told the truth, and declared who and what 
 he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was 
 sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of 
 marches, which he readily performed, and thus 
 removed the Frenchman's suspicion of his assum- 
 ing a fictitious character. " But, my lad," said 
 he, " let me now hear you beat a retreat." — " A 
 retreat ! " replied the drummer ; " I don't know 
 what it is, nor is it known in the English ser- 
 vice ! " The French officer was so pleased with 
 this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor 
 fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his 
 general. 
 
 832. — An Old Woman that sold ale, being at 
 church, fell asleep during the sermon, and un- 
 luckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, 
 which, making a great noise, she exclaimed, half 
 awake, " So, you jade, there's another jug 
 broke ! " 
 
 833. — Admiral Blake, when a captain, was 
 sent with a small squadron to the West Indies, 
 on a secret expedition against the Spanish settle- 
 ments. It happened, in an engagement, that 
 one of his ships blew up, which damped the 
 
8 JOE MILLER 
 
 spirits of his crew ; but Blake, who was not to be 
 subdued by one unsuccessful occurrence, called 
 out to his men, " Well, my lads, you have seen an 
 English ship blown up ; and now let's see what 
 figure a Spanish one will make in the same situa- 
 tion." This well-timed harangue raised their 
 spirits immediately, and in less than an hour he 
 set his antagonist on fire. " There, my lads," 
 said he, "I knew we should have our revenge 
 soon." 
 
 834. — When Citizen Thelwall was on his 
 trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during 
 the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the fol- 
 lowing note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Ers- 
 kine : " I am determined to plead my cause my- 
 self." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: " If you do, 
 you'll be hanged " ; to which Thelwall immedi- 
 ate^ returned this reply : " I'll he hang'd, then, 
 if I do." 
 
 835. — Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals of 
 Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, 
 was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave 
 very prompt answers to them all. At length the 
 prelate said, " I will give you an orange if you 
 will tell me where God is?"— "My lord," re- 
 plied the boy, " I will give you two oranges, if 
 you will tell me where he is not." 
 
 836.— During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a 
 young lieutenant of marines was so unfortunate 
 as to lose both his legs by a chain-shot. In this 
 miserable and helpless condition he was conveyed 
 to England, and a memorial of his case presented 
 
JOE MILLER 9 
 
 to an honourable board ; but nothing more than 
 half-pay could be obtained. Major Manson had 
 the poor lieutenant conducted to court on a pub- 
 lic day, in his uniform ; where, posted in the 
 ante-room, and supported by two of his brother 
 officers, he cried out, as the king, George L, was 
 passing to the drawing-room, " Behold, great 
 -sire, a man who refuses to bend his knee to you ; 
 fie has lost both in your service." The king, 
 struck no less by the singularity of his address, 
 than by the melancholy object before him, 
 stopped, and hastily demanded what had been 
 done for him. " Half-pay," replied the lieuten- 
 ant, " and please your majesty," — " Fye, fye 
 on't," said the king, shaking his head ; " but let 
 me see you again — next levee day." The lieu- 
 tenant did not fail to appear, when he received 
 from the immediate hand of royalty a present of 
 five hundred pounds, and an annuity of two hun- 
 dred pounds a year for life. 
 
 , 837. — A Clergyman preaching some time 
 ago, in the neighbourhood of Wapping, observ- 
 ing that most of his audience were in the sea- 
 faring way, embellished his discourse with several 
 nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other 
 things, he advised them to be ever " on the watch, 
 so that on whatever tack the devil should bear 
 down upon them, he might be crippled in the ac- 
 tion." — " Ay, master," cried a jolly son of 
 Neptune, " but let me tell you, that will defend 
 On your having the weather-gauge of him." 
 838, — Every one has heard of the brave 
 
10 JOE MILLER 
 
 Macpherson, who, with his trusty ferrara, mowed 
 down whole ranks of the Gallic foe, in that me- 
 morable battle where the immortal Wolfe expired 
 in the arms of victory ! His captain, who had 
 marked the incredible valour of the gallant 
 Caledonian, saw T him, after the fate of the glori- 
 ous day was decided, set himself down by a heap 
 of Frenchmen slain by his valiant arm, wipe the 
 dust and sweat from his sunburnt brow, and re- 
 fresh himself with a hearty pinch from his snuff- 
 mill. The king, on the regiment's return to 
 Britain, expressed a desire to see this brave old 
 highlander, who being introduced by his cap- 
 tain, his Majesty presented his hand to Don- 
 ald to kiss : honest Donald, unacquainted with the 
 ceremonial of courts, and thinking the king 
 asked him for a pinch of snuff, clapped his horn 
 into the monarch's fist, accompanied with a 
 hearty squeeze. The king laughed heartily, ac- 
 cepted of a pinch, made Donald a lieutenant, 
 and gave him half-pay for life. 
 
 839. — Some Years Ago, Dr. Warner hap- 
 pened to be in a stationer's shop, when a mem- 
 ber of the House of Commons came in to pur- 
 chase a hundred pens for six shillings. When he 
 was gone, the doctor exclaimed, " Oh ! the luxury 
 of the age ! Six shillings for a hundred pens ! 
 Why, it never cost me sixpence for pens in all 
 my life." — " That is somewhat very surprising, 
 doctor," said the stationer, " for your writings 
 are very voluminous." — " I declare," replied the 
 doctor, " I wrote my Ecclesiastical History, two 
 
JOE MILLER 11 
 
 volumes in folio, and my Dissertation on the 
 Book of Common Pra} r er, a large folio, first and 
 corrected copies, with one single pen : it was an 
 old one before I began, and it is not now worn 
 out that I have finished." — This relation was 
 spread about, and the merits of this pen esteemed 
 so highly, that a certain Countess begged the 
 doctor to make her a present of it : he did so, 
 and her ladyship had a gold case made, with a 
 short history of the pen wrought upon it, and 
 placed it in her cabinet of curiosities. 
 
 840. — An Officer in Admiral Lord St. Vin- 
 cent's fleet, asking one of the captains, who was 
 gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, 
 whether he had reckoned the number of the 
 enemy? " No," replied the captain, " it will be 
 time enough to do that, when we have made them 
 strike." 
 
 841. — That laughter is by no means an un- 
 equivocal symptom of a merry heart, there is a 
 remarkable anecdote of Carlini, the drollest 
 buffoon ever known on the Italian stage at Paris, 
 A French physician being consulted by a person 
 who was subject to the most gloomy fits of mel- 
 ancholy, advised his patient to mix in scenes of 
 gaiety, and particularly, to frequent the Italian 
 theatre : " And," said he, " if Carlini does not 
 dispel your gloomy complaint, your case must 
 be desperate indeed ! " — " Alas, Sir," replied the 
 patient, " I myself am Carlini, but while I divert 
 all Paris with mirth, and make them almost die 
 with laughter, I am myself actually dying with 
 
12 JOE MILLER 
 
 chagrin and melancholy ! " Immoderate laugh- 
 ter, like the immoderate use of strong cordials, 
 gives only a temporary appearance of cheerful- 
 ness, which is soon terminated by an increased 
 depression of spirits. 
 
 842. — Lord Camelford entering one even- 
 ing a coffee-house in Conduit street, meanly at- 
 tired, as he often was, he sat down to peruse the 
 papers of the day. Soon after came in a dash- 
 ing fellow, a first-rate blood, who threw himself 
 into the opposite seat of the same box with him, 
 and in a most consequential tone bawled out, 
 " Waiter ! bring me a pint of Madeira, and a 
 couple of wax candles, and put them into the 
 next box." He then drew to himself Lord 
 Camelford's candles, and set himself to read. 
 His lordship glanced a look of indignation, but, 
 exerting his optics a little more, continued to de- 
 cypher his paper. The waiter soon re-appeared, 
 and announced his having completed the com- 
 mands of the gentleman, who immediately 
 lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford 
 having finished his paragraph, called out in a 
 mimic tone, " Waiter ! bring me a pair of snuf- 
 fers." These were quickly brought, when his 
 lordship laid down his paper, walked round to 
 the box in which the gentleman was seated, 
 snuffed out both the candles, and leisurely re- 
 turned to his seat. Boiling with rage and fury, 
 the indignant beau roared out, " Waiter ! waiter ! 
 waiter! who the devil is this fellow that dares 
 thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What 
 
JOE MILLER IB 
 
 is he? What do they call him? "— " Lord Cam- 
 elford, Sir," said the wait6r. "Who? Lord 
 Camelford ! " returned the former, in a tone of 
 voice scarcely audible ; horror-struck at the recol- 
 lection of his own impertinence, and almost 
 doubting whether he was still in existence; 
 " Lord Camelford ! What have I to pay ? " On 
 being told, he laid down his score, and actually 
 stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira. 
 
 843. — A Veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, 
 who was actively employed at one of the guns 
 on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his 
 leg shot off below the knee, and observed to an 
 officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to 
 the cock-pit, " That's but a shilling touch ; an 
 inch higher and I should have had my eighteen 
 pence for it " ; alluding by this to the scale of 
 pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, 
 increase according to their severity. The same 
 hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a 
 brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, 
 " Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the 
 silver buckle out of my shoe ; I'll do as much for 
 you, please God, some other time." 
 
 844. — The following is an account of a most 
 ingenious stratagem played off at Paris before 
 the Revolution : the last time that the late queen 
 of France visited the theatre in Paris, the wife of 
 a financier, whose whole merit consisted in a 
 heavy purse, and an ostentatious display of 
 eastern magnificence, sat alone in a box opposite 
 to that of her majesty. She affected to make a 
 
14 JOE MILLER 
 
 parade of a costly pair of bracelets, which, as 
 the queen now and then cast her eyes upon her, 
 she fondly supposed attracted the admiration of 
 her sovereign. She was hugging herself in 
 thoughts that exceedingly flattered her vanity, 
 when a person dressed in the queen's livery, en- 
 tered the box. " Madam," said he, " you may 
 have perceived how attentively the queen has sur- 
 veyed those magnificent bracelets, which though 
 so precious and costly, still receive greater lustre 
 from the dazzling beauty of the arm w T hich bears 
 them; I am commissioned by her majesty to re- 
 quest you will entrust me with one of them, that 
 her majesty may have a nearer view of the un- 
 paralleled jewels." Melted by the flattering 
 compliment, she did not hesitate, and delivered 
 one of her bracelets. Alas ! she soon repented 
 her blind confidence, and heard nothing more of 
 her bracelet till the next morning, when an ex- 
 empt of the police begged to be admitted^ and 
 chid her politely for trusting so valuable a 
 trinket in the hands of a stranger ; " but, 
 madam," added he, " the rogue is taken up, and 
 here is a letter from the Lieutenant de Police, 
 which will explain the whole." The letter was, 
 indeed, signed " De Crone," and contained a re- 
 quest, that the lady would repair at twelve 
 o'clock to the office, and in the meantime deliver 
 to the exempt the other bracelet, that it might 
 be compared with the first, then in his hand, that 
 he might have sufficient proof to commit the 
 sharper. So much attention from the chief 
 
JOE MILLER 15 
 
 magistrate filled her with gratitude, which she 
 expressed in the liveliest terms, bestowing the 
 greatest praise on the vigilance of the police, 
 which in no country was so vigilant as at Paris. 
 In fine, after ordering up a dish of chocolate for 
 the exempt, she put the other bracelet in his 
 hand. They parted, but it was forever — this 
 pretended exempt, proving neither more nor less 
 than the worthy associate of the queen s bold 
 messenger! 
 
 845. — The Writer of this article having, 
 many years ago, accompanied Doctor Arne to 
 Cannons, the seat of the late Duke of Chandos, 
 to assist at the performance of an oratorio in the 
 chapel of Whitchurch, such was the throng of 
 company, that no provisions were to be procured 
 at the duke's house. On going to the Chandos' 
 Arms, in the town of Edgeware, we made our 
 way into the kitchen, where we found nothing 
 but a solitary leg of mutton on the spit. This, 
 the waiter informed me, was bespoke by a party 
 of gentlemen. The doctor (rubbing his elbow — 
 his usual manner), says to me, " I'll have that 
 mutton — give me a fiddle-string." He took the 
 fiddle-string, cut it in pieces, and "privately 
 sprinkling it over the mutton, walked out of the 
 kitchen. Then waiting very patiently till the 
 waiter had served it up, he heard one of the 
 gentlemen exclaim — " Waiter ! this meat is full 
 of maggots, take it away." This was what the 
 doctor expected, who was on the watch. — " Here, 
 give it to me." — " O, Sir," said the waiter, " you 
 
16 JOE MILLER 
 
 can't eat it, it is full of maggots." — " O, never 
 mind," cries the doctor, " fiddlers have strong 
 stomachs." So bearing it away, and scraping 
 off the fiddle-strings, we made a hearty dinner on 
 the apparently maggotty mutton. 
 
 846. — At the time when Frederic Moul was 
 engaged in translating Libanius, a servant came 
 to tell him, that his wife, who had long been in 
 a declining state, was very ill, and wished to 
 speak to him. " Stop a minute, stop a minute," 
 said he, " I have but two sentences to finish, and 
 then I will be with her directly." Another mess- 
 enger came to announce, that she was at the last 
 gasp. " I have but two words to write," an- 
 swered he, " and then I'll fly to her." A moment 
 after word was brought to him that she had ex- 
 pired. " Alas ! I am very sorry for it," ex- 
 claimed the tranquil husband, " she was the best 
 wife in the world ! " Having uttered this brief 
 funeral oration, he went on with his work. 
 
 847. — After their victories over the Persians, 
 the Athenians made a law, that on one day in 
 every year there should be an exhibition of a 
 cock-fight. This custom is said to have arisen 
 from the following circumstance: — When 
 Themistocles led an army of his countrymen 
 against the Barbarians, he saw two cocks fight- 
 ing. The spectacle was not lost on him : 1 e made 
 his army halt^ and thus addressed them : — 
 " These cocks," said he, " arc not fighting for 
 their country, nor for their paternal gods ; nor 
 do they endure this for the monuments of their 
 
JOE MILLER 17 
 
 ancestors, for the sake of glory in the cause of 
 liberty, or for their offspring. The only motive 
 is, that one is determined not to yield to the 
 other." 
 
 848. — Among the many anecdotes which the 
 great Lord Mansfield used to relate, was the fol- 
 lowing: A St. Giles's bird appeared as an evi- 
 dence before him in some trial concerning a quar- 
 rel, and so confounded his lordship with his 
 slang, that he was obliged to dismiss him with- 
 out getting any information. He was desired 
 to give an account of all he knew about the busi- 
 ness. " Why, my lord," said he, " as I was 
 coming round the corner of the street, I stagged 
 the man." — " Pray," said Lord Mansfield, 
 "what is stagging sl man?" — " Stagging, my 
 lord; why you see I was down upon him." — 
 " Well, but I don't understand down upon him 
 any more than stagging. Do speak to be under- 
 understood." — " Why, an't please your lord- 
 ship, I speak as well as I can. I was up, you 
 see, to all he knew." — " To all he knew? I am as 
 much in the dark as ever." — " Well, then, my 
 lord, I'll tell you how it was." — " Do so." — 
 " Why, my lord, seeing as how he was a mm 
 lid, I was one upon his tiboy." The fellow was 
 at length sent out of court, and was heard to say 
 to one of his companions, that he had gloriously 
 queered old full-bottom. 
 
 849. — A Poor Woman, who had attended sev- 
 eral confirmations, was at length recognised by 
 the bishop. " Pray, have I not seen you here 
 
18 JOE MILLER 
 
 before? " said his lordship. " Yes," replied the 
 woman, " I get me conformed as often as I can ; 
 the j tell me it is good for the rheumatis." 
 
 850. — Taxes upon every article which enters 
 into the mouth, or covers the back, or is placed 
 under the foot ; taxes upon every thing which is 
 pleasant to see, hear, feel, smell, and taste ; taxes 
 upon warmth, light, and locomotion ; taxes on 
 everything on earth, and the waters under the 
 earth ; on everything that comes from abroad, or 
 is grown at home ; taxes on the raw materials ; 
 taxes on every fresh value that is added to it by 
 the industry of man; taxes on the sauce which 
 pampers man's appetite, and the drug that re- 
 stores him to health ; on the ermine which deco- 
 rates the judge, and the rope which hangs the 
 criminal ; on the poor man's salt, and the rich 
 man's spice ; on the brass nails of the coffin, and 
 the ribbands of the bride; at bed and board, 
 couchant or levant, we must pay. The school- 
 boy whips his taxed top; the beardless youth 
 manages his taxed horse with a taxed bridle on 
 a road taxed; and the dying Englishman pour- 
 ing his medicine, which has paid 7 per cent, 
 into a spoon which has paid 15 per cent, flings 
 himself back upon his Chintz bed which has 
 paid 22 per cent., makes his will on an eight 
 pound stamp, and expires in the arms of an 
 apothecary who has paid a license of an hundred 
 pounds for the privilege of putting him to death. 
 His ""hole property is then immediately taxed 
 from 2 to 10 per cent. Besides the probate, 
 
JOE MILLER 19 
 
 large fees are demanded for burying him in the 
 chancel ; his virtues are handed down to posterity 
 on taxed marble ; and he is then gathered to his 
 fathers — to be taxed no more. 
 
 851. — During the action against the Alger- 
 ines, as Lord Exmouth and Captain Brisbane 
 were conversing together, the latter was struck 
 flat on the ground by a spent ball, or some other 
 cause. Lord Exmouth immediately called the 
 first lieutenant, and exclaimed, " Poor Brisbane! 
 he's gone ! take the command." The captain, 
 raising himself in a sitting posture, coolly said, 
 " Not yet, my lord " ; and in a moment after re- 
 sumed his share in the business of the day. 
 
 852. — The Rev. Caleb Coeton, nephew of 
 the late Sir George Staunton, gives in a recent 
 publication the following anecdote : — " My late 
 uncle, Sir G. Staunton, related to me a curious 
 anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. 
 He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in 
 which physicians were paid in England. When, 
 after some difficulty, his majesty was made to 
 comprehend the system, he exclaimed, " Is any 
 man well in England, that can afford to be ill? 
 now, I will inform you," said he, " how I manage 
 my physicians. I have four, to whom the care 
 of my health is committed : a certain weekly sal- 
 ary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the 
 salary stops till I am well again. I need not in- 
 form you my illnesses are usually short." 
 
 853. — Sir John Bernard distinguished him- 
 self in parliament by his integrity and his firm- 
 
20 JOE MILLER 
 
 ness. When Sir Robert Walpole, then prime 
 minister, was one day whispering to the Speaker 
 of the House of Commons, who leaned towards 
 him over the arm of his chair, at the time Sir 
 John Bernard was speaking, he exclaimed, " Mr. 
 Speaker, I address myself to you, and not to 
 your chair; I will be heard; I call that gentle- 
 man to order." The Speaker immediately dis- 
 missed Sir Robert, and begged Sir John's par- 
 don, requesting him to proceed. 
 
 Sir Robert Walpole, whose measures Sir John 
 generally opposed, once paid him a high compli- 
 ment. They were riding in two different parties 
 in a narrow lane, and one of Sir Robert's com- 
 panions hearing some person speaking before he 
 came up to them, inquired of Sir Robert whose 
 voice it was. " Do you not know? " replied the 
 minister. " It is one I shall never forget ; I have 
 often felt its power." 
 
 854. — " Susan ! " said an Irish footman to 
 his fellow servant, " what are the bells ringing 
 for again? " — " In honour of the Duke of 
 York's birthday, Mr. Murphy." — " Be aisy 
 now," rejoined the Hibernian, " none of your 
 blarney — sure, 'twas the Prince Regent's on 
 Tuesday, and how can it be his brother's to-day, 
 unless indeed they are twins? " 
 
 855. — It was so natural for Dr. Watts, when 
 a child, to speak in rhyme, that even at the very 
 time he wished to avoid it, he could not. His 
 father was displeased at this propensity, and 
 threatened to whip him if he did not leave off 
 
JOE MILLER 21 
 
 making verses. One clay when he was about to 
 put his threat in execution, the child burst into 
 tears, and on his knees said, 
 
 Pray, father, do some pity take, 
 And I will no more verses make. 
 
 856. — His Royal Highness the late Duke of 
 Cumberland, being at Newmarket, missed his 
 pocket-book just before the horses started, con- 
 taining a quantity of bank notes. When the 
 cognoscenti of the turf cajne about him, and 
 offered him several bets, he said, " I have lost my 
 money already, and cannot afford to venture any 
 more to-day." The horse which the duke had in- 
 tended to back was distanced; so he consoled 
 himself that the loss of his pocket-book was only 
 a temporary evil, as he should have forfeited its 
 contents to the worthies of the turf. The race 
 was no sooner finished than a veteran half -pay 
 officer presented his royal highness with the lost 
 pocket-book, saying he had found it near the 
 stand, but had not an opportunity of approach- 
 ing him earlier. The duke refused to receive it, 
 most generously saying, " I am glad it has fallen 
 into such hands ; keep it ; had it not been for this 
 accident, it would have been by this time dis- 
 persed among the black legs of Newmarket." 
 
 857. — A Child of one of the crew of his maj- 
 esty's ship Peacock, during the action with the 
 United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself 
 with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the 
 
22 JOE MILLER 
 
 least terrified by destruction and death all around 
 him, he persisted, till a cannon ball came and 
 took off both the hind legs of the goat, when 
 seeing her disabled, he jumped astride her, cry- 
 ing, " Now I've caught you." 
 
 858. — During an action of Admiral Rodney 
 with the French, a woman assisted at one of the 
 guns on the main-deck, and being asked by the 
 admiral what she did there, she replied, " An't 
 please your honour, my husband is sent down to 
 the cock-pit wounded, and I am here to supply 
 his place. Do you" think, your honour, I am 
 afraid of the French? " After the action, Lord 
 Rodney called her aft, told her she had been 
 guilty of a breach of orders, by being on board, 
 but rewarded her with ten guineas for so gal- 
 lantly supplying the place of her husband. 
 
 859.— In the Attack on the strong fortress 
 of St. Fernando de Omao, in the year 1780, an 
 English sailor who had scrambled singly over the 
 wall, had, for the better annoyance of the enemy 
 on all sides, armed himself with a cutlass in each 
 hand. Thus equipped, he fell in with a Span- 
 ish officer just roused from sleep, and who in the 
 hurry and confusion had forgotten his sword. 
 The circumstance restrained the fury of the Brit- 
 ish tar, who, disdaining to attack an unarmed 
 foe, but unwilling to relinquish so happy an op- 
 portunity of displaying his courage in single 
 combat, presented one of the cutlasses to him, 
 saying, " I scorn any advantage ; yon are now 
 upon an equal footing with me." The aston- 
 
JOE MILLER &3 
 
 ishment of the officer at such an act of gener- 
 osity, and the facility with which a friendly par- 
 ley took place, when he expected nothing else 
 from the uncouth and hostile appearance of his 
 foe, than being cut into pieces instantly, and 
 without mercy, could only be rivalled by the ad- 
 miration which his relation of the story excited 
 in his countrymen. 
 
 860. — In the Late American War, a New 
 York trader was chased by a small French priva- 
 teer, and having four guns with plenty of small 
 arms, it was agreed to stand a brush with the 
 enemy rather than be taken prisoners. Among 
 several other passengers was an athletic quaker, 
 who, though he withstood every solicitation to 
 lend a hand, as being contrary to his religious 
 tenets, kept walking backwards and forwards on 
 the deck, without any apparent fear, the enemy 
 all the time pouring in their shot. At length 
 the vessels having approached close to each other, 
 a disposition to board was manifested by the 
 French, which was very soon put in execution ; 
 and the quaker being on the lookout, unexpect- 
 edly sprung towards the first man that jumped 
 on board, and, grappling him forcibly by the 
 collar, coolly said, " Friend, thou hast no busi- 
 ness here," at the same time hoisting him over 
 the ship's side. 
 
 861. — Dr. Brocklesby had been sent for to 
 attend the Duchess of Richmond's woman, who 
 was so ill as to be confined to her bed. In the 
 hall he was met by the duke's valet, who was the 
 
24 JOE MILLER 
 
 woman's husband, and who either by nature or 
 locality was as warm a politician as the Doctor. 
 Public affairs being then peculiarly critical, they 
 became so interested in debate, that the patient 
 was little thought of as they ascended stairs, nor 
 did the conversation relax when they reached the 
 sick woman's chamber. In short, they both 
 quitted the room, returned downstairs, and the 
 Doctor quitted Richmond-house, without either 
 of them being aware that they had neither looked 
 at the patient nor spoken to her, or of her. 
 
 862. — The Celebrated Bubb Doddington, 
 was very lethargic. Falling asleep one da} 7 
 after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord 
 Cobham, the general, the latter reproached 
 Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington 
 denied having been asleep ; and to prove he had 
 not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been 
 saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. 
 Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cobham 
 owned he had been telling it. " And yet," said 
 Doddington, " I did not hear a word of it ; but 
 I went to sleep because I knew that about this 
 time of day you would tell that story." 
 
 863. — It is recorded to the honour of our 
 Edward the Third, that one day, having laid 
 down upon a couch, one of his domestics, who 
 did not know that he was in the chamber, came 
 softly into it, and stole some money out of a 
 chest he found open, which the king let him carry 
 off without saying a word. Presently after, the 
 boy returned to make a second attempt: at this 
 
JOE MILLER 25 
 
 the king called out to him, without any violence 
 of passion, " Sirrah, you had best be satisfied 
 with what you have got; for if my chamberlain 
 come and catch you, he will not only take away 
 what you have stolen, but also whip you se- 
 verely." The chamberlain came in at this in- 
 stant, and seizing the money, fell into a great 
 rage ; but the king calmly said, " Tut, man, be 
 content ; the chest should not have been left open ; 
 the temptation was too strong for the poor 
 youth : he perhaps wanted money more than we 
 do, and there is, you see, enough left for us ! " 
 
 864. — When the Eare of Ceancarty was 
 captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising on the 
 coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chap- 
 lain by a fever, on which the lieutenant, who was 
 a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying, at 
 the same time, " that he was sorry to inform him 
 that he died a Roman Catholic." — " Well, so 
 much the better," said his lordship. " Oot, oot, 
 my lord, how can you say so of a British clergy- 
 man? "— " Why," said his lordship, " because I 
 believe I am the first captain of a man-of-war 
 that could boast of having a chaplain who had 
 any religion at all." 
 
 865.- — Diogenes, visiting Plato at his villa, 
 and perceiving that the floors were beautifully 
 spread with carpets of the richest wool and finest 
 dye, stamping his foot in sardonic scorn, he ex- 
 claimed, " Thus do I tread on the pride of 
 Plato ! " — " With greater pride," mildly replied 
 Plato. 
 
26 JOE MILLER 
 
 866. — Yoiture having satirized a nobleman 
 who was powerful at court, the latter sought 
 every occasion to revenge himself, and challenged 
 Voiture to fight him with swords. " We are not 
 equals," replied tlie poet ; "you are very great, 
 I am little ; you are brave, I am cowardly ; you 
 wish to kill me — eh bien; I will consider myself 
 as dead." This timely jest turned the anger of 
 the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and 
 the}^ parted good friends. 
 
 867. — In the time of the old court, the faces 
 of the Parisian ladies were spotted with patches 
 like pards, and plastered with rouge like so many 
 red lions of the road-side. Lord Chesterfield 
 being at Paris, was asked by Voltaire if he did 
 not think some French ladies, then in company, 
 whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beau- 
 tiful, " Excuse me," said Chesterfield, " from 
 giving an opinion: I am really no judge of 
 paintings." 
 
 868. — Lord Chancellor Hardwick was 
 very fond of entertaining his visitors with the 
 following story of his bailiff, who, having been 
 ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a par- 
 ticular description, came one day into the dining- 
 room when full of company, proclaiming with a 
 burst of joy he could not suppress, " I have been 
 at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow 
 exactly of your ladyship's size." 
 
 869. — King James II. treated Waller, the 
 
JOE MILLER n 
 
 poet, with great kindness and familiarity. Tak- 
 ing him one day into his closet, the king asked 
 him how he liked a particular picture, which he 
 pointed out. " My eyes," said Waller, then at 
 an advanced age, " are dim, and I do not know 
 it." The king said it was the Princess of Orange. 
 " She is," said Waller, " like the greatest woman 
 in the world." The king asked who that was ; 
 and w r as answered, " Queen Elizabeth." — " I 
 wonder," said James, " you should think so ; but 
 I must confess she had a wise council." — " And, 
 Sire," returned Waller quickly, " did you ever 
 know a fool choose a wise one? " 
 
 870. — In Mr. Fox's frolicsome days, a trades- 
 man, who held his bill for two hundred pounds, 
 called for payment. Charles said he could not 
 then discharge it. " How can that be," said the 
 creditor; " you have just now lying before you 
 bank notes to a large amount." — " Those," re- 
 plied Mr. Fox, " are for paying my debts of 
 honour." The tradesman immediately threw 
 his bill into the fire. " Now, Sir," said he, 
 " mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot now 
 oblige you to pay." Charles, much to his hon- 
 our, instantly paid him his full demand. 
 
 871. — In the Evening of the day on which 
 Sir Eardley Wilmot kissed hands on being ap- 
 pointed chief -justice, his son, a youth of seven- 
 teen, attended him to his bedside. " Now," said 
 he, " my son, I will tell you a secret, worth know- 
 ing and remembering. The elevation I have 
 met with in life, particularly this last instance 
 
28 JOE MILLER 
 
 of it, has not been owing to any superior merit 
 or abilities, but to my humility; to my not set- 
 ting up myself above others ; and to an uniform 
 endeavour to pass through life, void of offense 
 towards God and man." — A gentleman once 
 went to him, under the impression of great wrath 
 and indignation at a real injury he had received 
 from a person high in power, and which he was 
 meditating how to resent in the most effectual 
 manner. After relating the particulars, he 
 asked Sir Eardley if he did not think it would 
 be manly to resent it ? " Yes," said the christian 
 knight, " it will be manly to resent it, but it 
 will be God-like to forgive it." This had such 
 an effect upon the gentleman, that he came away 
 quite a different man, and in a very subdued tem- 
 per from that in which he went. 
 
 872. — Lord Waldegrave abjured the Catho- 
 lic religion ; he was afterwards appointed am- 
 bassador at Paris, and was one day teased upon 
 the subject of his conversion, by the Duke of 
 Berwick. " Pray, Mr. Ambassador," said he, 
 " who had most to do in your conversion — the 
 ministers of state, or the ministers of religion ? " 
 — " That is a question," said his lordship calmly, 
 ;< you must excuse my answering, for when I 
 ceased to be a Catholic, I renounced confession." 
 
 873. — Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the 
 son of a tallow-chandler. A proud duke once 
 endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying, 
 at the levee, that he smelt of tallow: to which 
 the bishop replied, " My lord, I am the son of 
 
JOE MILLER 29 
 
 a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had 
 been the same, you would have remained a tallow- 
 chandler all the days of your life." 
 
 874. — Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to 
 request a private audience of King James I., but 
 was refused admittance into the royal closet by 
 a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. 
 James hearing the altercation between the two, 
 came out, and inquired the cause. " My liege," 
 said Lord Stanley, " this gay countryman of 
 yours has refused me admittance to your pres- 
 ence." — " Cousin," said the king, " how shall I 
 punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower? " 
 — " O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, " in- 
 flict a severer punishment — send him back to 
 Scotland ! " 
 
 875. — Archbishop Laud was a man of very 
 short stature. Charles the First and the Arch- 
 bishop were one day sat down to dinner, when it 
 was agreed that Archy, the king's jester, should 
 say grace for them, which he did in this fashion : 
 — " Great praise be given to God, but little Laud 
 to the devil ! " — For this sally Laud was weak 
 enough to insist upon Archy's dismissal. 
 
 876.— A Vacant See was to be supplied, and 
 the synod observed to the Emperor Peter the 
 Great, that they had none but ignorant men to 
 present to his majesty. " Well then," replied 
 the Czar, " you have only to pitch upon the most 
 honest man: he will be worth two learned ones." 
 
 877. — The Witty Lord Ross, having spent 
 all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in 
 
30 JOE MILLER 
 
 order to recruit his purse. On his way, he hap- 
 pened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driv- 
 ing for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six 
 prime dun-coloured horses. " Sir Murrough," 
 exclaimed his lordship, " what a contrast there 
 is betwixt you and me? You are driving your 
 duns before you, but my duns are driving me 
 before them." 
 
 878. — Richard the First, on the Pope re- 
 claiming as a son of the church, a bishop whom 
 that king had taken prisoner in battle, sent him 
 the prelate's coat-of-mail, and in the words of 
 the scripture, asked him, " Know now whether 
 this be thy son's coat or not? " 
 
 879. — When the Duke of Sukly was called 
 upon by Louis the Thirteenth to give his advice 
 in some great emergency, he observed the favour- 
 ites of the new king whispering to one another, 
 and smiling at his plain and unfashionable ap- 
 pearance. " Whenever your Majesty's father," 
 said the old warrior and statesman, " did me the 
 honour to consult me, he ordered the buffoons of 
 the court to retire into the antechamber." This 
 severe reproof silenced the satellites, who in- 
 stanty hid " their diminished heads." 
 
 880. — When James the First proposed to 
 some of his council this question, — " Whether he 
 might not take his subjects' money when he 
 needed it for the affairs of his government, with- 
 out all the formality of parliament? " Bishop 
 Neile replied, " God forbid you should not, for 
 you are the breath of our nostrils." Bishop 
 
JOE MILLER 31 
 
 Andrews declined answering, saying, that he was 
 not skilled in parliamentary questiors; but upon 
 the king's urging him, and saying that he would 
 admit no evasion, the bishop replied, " Why, 
 then, I think your Majesty may lawfully take 
 my brother Neile's money, for he says you may." 
 
 881. — The Late Lord Willoughby de 
 Broke was a very singular character, and had 
 more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. 
 Coming once out of the house of peers, and not 
 seeing his servant among those who were waiting 
 at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, 
 " Where can my fellow be? " — " Not in Europe, 
 my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened 
 to be near him, " not in Europe." 
 
 882. — The Marquis Della Scaeas, an Ital- 
 ian nobleman, having invited the neighbouring 
 gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the 
 delicacies of the season were provided, some 
 of the company arrived very early, for the pur- 
 pose of paying their respects to his excellency : 
 soon after which, the major-domo, entering the 
 dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis 
 that there was a most wonderful fisherman be- 
 low, who had brought one of the finest fish in all 
 Italy ; for which, however, he demanded a most 
 extravagant price. " Regard not his price," 
 cried the marquis ; " pay him the money di- 
 rectly." — " So I would, please your highness, 
 but he refuses to take any money." — " What, 
 then, would the fellow have?" — "A hundred 
 strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders, 
 
3£ JOE MILLElt 
 
 my lord; he says he will not bate a single blow." 
 On this the whole companj^ ran down stairs, to 
 see so singular a man. " A fine fish ! " cried the 
 marquis. " What is your demand, my friend? " 
 — " Not a quatrini, my lord," answered the 
 fisherman : " I will not take money. If your 
 lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order 
 me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my 
 naked back ; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere." 
 — " Rather than lose the fish," said the marquis, 
 " we must e'en let this fellow have his humour. 
 Here ! " cried he to one of his grooms, " dis- 
 charge this honest man's demands, but don't lay 
 on too hard; don't hurt the poor devil very 
 much ! " The fisherman then stripped, and the 
 groom prepared to execute his lordship's orders. 
 " Now, my friend," said the fisherman, " keep an 
 exact account, I beseech you; for I don't desire 
 a single stroke more than my due." The whole 
 company were astonished at the amazing forti- 
 tude with which the man submitted to the opera- 
 tion, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, 
 addressing himself to the servant, " Hold, my 
 friend," cried the fisherman ; " I have now had 
 my full share of the price." — " Your share? " 
 exclaimed the marquis; " what is the meaning of 
 all this? " — " My lord," returned the fisherman, 
 " I have a partner, to whom my honour is en- 
 gaged, that he shall have his full half of what- 
 ever I receive for the fish ; and your lordship, I 
 dare venture to say, will by and by own that it 
 would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a 
 
JOE MILLER 33 
 
 single stroke." — " And pray, honest friend," 
 said the marquis, "who is this partner?" — 
 " Your porter, ,my lord," answered the fisher- 
 man, " who keeps the outer gate, and refused to 
 admit me, unless I would promise him half what 
 I should obtain for the fish." — " Ho ! ho ! " ex- 
 claimed the marquis, laughing very heartily, 
 " by the blessing of heaven, he shall have double 
 his demand in full tale ! " The porter was ac- 
 cordingly sent for; and, being stripped to the 
 skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all 
 their might till he had fairly received what he 
 was so well entitled to. The marquis then 
 ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty 
 sequins ; desiring him to call annually for the 
 like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service 
 he had rendered him. 
 
 883. — Mr. Pope being one night crossing the 
 street from Button's coffee-house, when the moon 
 occasionally peeped through a cloud, was ac- 
 costed by a link-boy with, " Light, your honour, 
 light, your honour ! " He repeatedly exclaimed, 
 " I do not want you." But the lad still following 
 him, he peevishly cried out, " Get about your 
 business, God mend me ! I will not give you a 
 farthing ; it's light enough." — " It's light 
 enough," echoed the lad, " what's light enough ? 
 your head or your pocket? God mend you, in- 
 deed ! it would be easier for God Almighty to 
 make two men, than mend one such as you." 
 
 884. — The Celebrated Florentine Phy- 
 sician, Andrea Baccio, who has been styled the 
 
34 JOE MILLER 
 
 Italian RadclifFe, for his astonishing penetration 
 as to diseases, resembled that singular man, also, 
 in the blunt method of delivering his sentiments. 
 He was one day called to attend on a woman of 
 quality. He went, felt her pulse, and asked her 
 how old she was. She told him, " above four- 
 score." — " And how long would you live? " said 
 the cross physician, quitting her hand, and mak- 
 ing the best of his way out of her house. 
 
 885. — " Your unchristian virulence against 
 me," said a Huguenot who had been persecuted 
 for preaching, " shall cost hundreds of people 
 their lives." This menace brought the author 
 into trouble; he was cited to a court justice, and 
 was charged with harbouring the most bloody 
 designs against his fellow-subjects. " I am inno- 
 cent," said he, " of all you lay to my account. 
 My only meaning was, that I meant (since I 
 could not act as a minister) to practise as a phys- 
 ician." 
 
 886. — The Father of the Late Lord 
 Hard wick was hanged for forgery. When 
 Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman 
 was examined as to a particular fact, the date of 
 which he could not recollect. " All that I re- 
 member about it," says he, " is, that it happened 
 on the day old Yorke was hanged." 
 
 887. — Judge D married the sister of 
 
 Mr. P , who killed a gentleman unfairly. 
 
 He applied to king George I. to pardon his rela- 
 tion, confessing at the same time, that little could 
 be urged in his favour; but hoped his majesty 
 
JOE MILLER 35 
 
 would save him and his family from the infamy 
 
 of P 's execution. " So, Mr. Judge," says 
 
 the King, " what you want is, that I should 
 transfer the infamy from you and your family, 
 to me and my family." 
 
 888. — Two Tars, just landed, went to see an 
 old acquaintance, who keeps what they humour- 
 ously called a grog-shop, in a village near Ports- 
 mouth, the sign of the Angel. On their enter- 
 ing the place, they stared about for the wished- 
 for sign. " There it is ! " said one. " Why, 
 you fool," replied the other, " that's a pea- 
 cock." — " Who do you call fool? " retorted Ben, 
 "how the devil should I know the difference, 
 when I never saw an angel in my life." 
 
 889. — An American General, L , was 
 
 in company where there were some few Scotch. 
 After supper, when the wine was served up, the 
 general rose, and addressed the company in the 
 following words : — " Gentlemen, I must inform 
 you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an 
 absurd custom of railing against the Scotch, I 
 hope no gentleman in company will take it 
 amiss." With this he sat down. Up starts 
 
 M , a Scotch officer, and without seeming 
 
 the least displeased, said, " Gentlemen, I, when 
 I am a little groggish, and hear any person rail- 
 ing against the Scotch, have an absurd custom 
 of kicking him out of the company, I hope no 
 gentleman will take it amiss." It is superfluous 
 to add, that that night he had no occasion to ex- 
 ert his talents. 
 
36 JOE MILLER 
 
 890. — Francis I., of France, being told the 
 people made very free with his character in their 
 songs, answered, " It would be hard indeed not 
 to allow them a song for their money." 
 
 891. — An Honest Hibernian, whose bank- 
 pocket (to use his own phrase) had stopped pay- 
 ment, was forced to the sad necessity of peram- 
 bulating the streets of Edingurgh two nights 
 together for want of a few pence to pay his lodg- 
 ings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of 
 the Lying-in Hospital, he exclaimed, " That's 
 the place for me ! Where is it, honey ? for I've 
 been laying-out these two nights past." 
 
 892. — Ariosto built for himself a small 
 house, which when a friend saw, he expressed an 
 astonishment that he, who had described such 
 magnificent edifices in his poem should be con- 
 tent with so poor a house. Ariosto aptly replied, 
 " Words are much easier to put together than 
 bricks." 
 
 893. — The Bishop of Ermeeand lost a great 
 portion of his revenues, in consequence of the 
 occupation of part of Poland by the king of 
 Prussia. Soon after this event, in the year 1773, 
 he waited on his majesty at Potsdam; when the 
 king asked him, if he could, after what had hap- 
 pened, still have any friendship for him? 
 " Sire ! " said the prelate, " I shall never forget 
 my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign." 
 — " I am," replied the king, " still your very 
 good friend : and likewise presume much on your 
 friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter re- 
 
JOE MILLER SI 
 
 fuse my entrance into Paradise, I hope you will 
 lave the goodness to hide me under your mantle, 
 and take me in along with you." — " Sire ! " re- 
 turned the bishop, " that will, I fear, scarcely be 
 possible: your majesty has cut it too short to ad- 
 mit of my carrying any contraband goods be- 
 neath it." 
 
 894. — When the great earl of Stair was am- 
 bassador in Holland, he made frequent entertain- 
 ments, to which the foreign ministers were con- 
 stantly invited, not excepting even France, 
 though hostilities were then commencing between 
 the two countries. In return, the French resi- 
 dent as constantly invited the English and 
 Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. 
 The French minister was a man of considerable 
 wit and vivacity. One day he proposed a health 
 in these terms : " The rising sun, my master ; " 
 alluding to the motto of Louis XIV., which w 7 as 
 pledged by the whole company. It then came to 
 the Baron de Riesbach's turn to give a health, 
 and he, in the same humour, gave " The moon 
 and fixed stars," in compliment to the empress 
 queen. When it came to the English ambass- 
 ador's turn, the eyes of all the company w T ere 
 turned upon him ; but he, no way daunted, drank 
 his master by the name of " Joshua the son of 
 Nun, who made the sun and moon to stand still." 
 
 895. — Dean Swift, whose character is w r ell 
 known, having dined one day at a lord mayor's 
 feast in Dublin, was teased by an opulent, bois- 
 terous, half-in'oxicated squire, who happened to 
 
38 JOE MILLER 
 
 sit next to him : he bore the awkward raillery for 
 some time, and on a sudden called out, in a loud 
 voice, to the mayor, " My lord, here is one of 
 your bears at my shoulders ; I desire you will 
 order him to be taken off." 
 
 896. — Sir Francis used to plague Lord 
 
 N with many impertinent visits, till at last 
 
 lord N ordered his porter to deny him ad- 
 mittance. Sir Francis came as usual. " My lord 
 is not at home, Sir." — " Ah ! friend — Oh, 
 though ! give me leave to speak two words to — 
 the monkey." — Away he flew up stairs, and took 
 
 lord N unawares. The porter was scolded. 
 
 In a few days Sir Francis called again. " Is my 
 lcrd at home?"— "No, Sir."— " Pray what 
 says your clock ? My watch stands ; I must set 
 it right." In he went, and made a second attack 
 on his lordship. The porter was then told, if 
 ever he let Sir Francis in again, he should be 
 turned away. When the baronet knocked, he 
 half opened the door, keeping it in his hand, and, 
 without giving him time to speak, bawled out, 
 " My lord is gone out, the monkey is dead, the 
 clock is broke," and slapped the door full in his 
 face ! 
 
 897. — A Gentle sprinkle of rain happening, 
 a plough-boy left his work, and went home ; but 
 his master seeing him there, told him that he 
 should not have left his work for so trifling an 
 affair, and begffed for the future he would stav 
 till it rained downright. A day or two after- 
 wards proving a very rainy day, the boy staid 
 
JOE MILLER 39 
 
 till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master 
 asked him why he did not come home before. 
 " Why I should," says the boy, " but you zed I 
 shou'dn't come hoam vorc it rained downright ; 
 and it has not rained downright yet, for it was 
 aslaunt all day long." 
 
 898. — A Lady desired her butler to be saving 
 of an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him 
 how it might be preserved. " I know of no 
 method so effectual, my lady," says the butler, 
 " as placing a barrel of good ale by it." 
 
 899. — A Humourous fellow being subpoenaed 
 as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the 
 counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating 
 witnesses, asked him what distance he was from 
 the parties when the assault happened; he an- 
 swered, " Just four feet five inches and a half." 
 — " How come you to be so very exact, fellow ? " 
 said the counsel. " Because I expected some fool 
 or other would ask me," said he, " and so I meas- 
 ured it." 
 
 900. — Mr. Wesley, travelling in a stage- 
 coach with a young officer, who swore and d d 
 
 himself at every word, asked him if he had read 
 the common prayer book ; for if he had he might 
 remember the collect, " O God, who art ever more 
 ready to hear than we to pray, and art wont to 
 give more than either we desire or deserve." The 
 young man had sense enough to make the appli- 
 cation, and w 7 as decent the rest of the journey. 
 
 901. — Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles 
 V., being one day made a butt of by his master, 
 
40 JOE MILLER 
 
 that prince, expecting some joke in return, said 
 to his courtiers : — " I shall be soon paid for 
 this." — To which the jester replied: "Not so 
 soon as you imagine, sire ; I am not prompt in 
 paying those who are so tardy in paying 
 others ! " This repartee was found the more 
 lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the 
 court not having for a long time received their 
 pensions. 
 
 902. — When the late Duchess of Kingston 
 wished to be received at the court of Berlin, she 
 got the Russian minister there to mention her 
 intention to his Prussian Majesty, and to tell 
 him at the same time, " That her fortune was at 
 Rome, her bank at Venice ; but that her heart 
 was at Berlin." The king replied, " I am sorry 
 we are only intrusted with the worst part of her 
 Grace's property." 
 
 903. — King William being once extremely 
 embarrassed about a matter of state, was ad- 
 vised to consult Sir Isaac Newton. " Newton," 
 replied he, " Newton ! — why he is nothing but a 
 philosopher ! " 
 
 904. — Sir Godfrey Kneeler having painted 
 a whole length portrait of the Duke of Hamil- 
 ton, requested, that before it was sent home, his 
 grace would come to inspect it, and see if he 
 wished any alteration. The duke examined it 
 closely, looked serious, went to the glass and 
 looked at himself, then returned and looked at 
 the picture, and with some appearance of ill- 
 humour, returned to the glass. Sir Godfrey, 
 
JOE MILLER 41 
 
 rather piqued at this strange behaviour, asked 
 him if anything was wrong? "Why, yes;" 
 said the duke, " when I look at the picture I feel 
 myself a man of rank ; when I return to the glass 
 I look like a poltroon ; however, for making me 
 so much better than I am, you ought to be well 
 paid ; here is a bank bill." — " No, my lord," re- 
 plied Sir Godfrey, " I will not be paid more than 
 once for the same picture ; you have overpaid it 
 already." 
 
 905. — In the time of the persecution of the 
 protestants in France, the English Ambassador 
 solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those 
 sent to the galleys on account of their religion. 
 " What," exclaimed the monarch, " would the 
 king of England say, were I to demand the lib- 
 eration of the prisoners in Newgate? " — " The 
 king, my master," replied the minister, " would 
 grant them to your majesty, if you claimed them 
 as brothers." 
 
 906. — The Duke d'Ossuna, being viceroy of 
 Naples, went on board a Spanish galley, on a 
 festival, to exercise his right of delivering one of 
 the wretches from punishment. On interrogat- 
 ing them why they were brought there, they all 
 asserted their innocence but one, who confessed 
 that his punishment was too small for his crimes. 
 The duke said, " Here, take away this rascal, 
 lest he should corrupt all these honest men ! " 
 
 907. — Peter the Great was once shewn a 
 parallel, in a foreign paper, between himself and 
 Louis XIV., in which the latter was pronounced 
 
42 JOE MILLER 
 
 to be greatty inferior to him. "If there be any- 
 thing in which I may claim superiority," said 
 Peter, " it is, that I have been able to govern the 
 clergy, instead of being governed by them, as 
 was my brother Louis." 
 
 908. — Lord Yarmouth (now Marquis of 
 Hertford) visiting Spain, was shown the Escu- 
 rial, and the superb convent of monks of the 
 order of St. Hierom. The superior, who con- 
 ducted him, related, among other particulars, 
 that this vast structure had been built by Philip 
 the Second, to fulfil a vow he had made on the eve 
 of the battle of St. Quintin. His lordship, ad- 
 miring the immense extent of the edifice, ob- 
 served, " When the monarch made such a vow, 
 he must have been terribly frightened." 
 
 909. — The Duke de Roqueeaure meeting 
 a very ugly country-gentleman at court, who had 
 a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and 
 urged his request, saying, he was under the 
 greatest obligation to the suitor. The king 
 asked what were these great obligations ? " Ah, 
 Sire, were it not for him, I should be the ugliest 
 man in your Majesty's dominions!" 
 
 910. — George the First was once present at 
 a masked ball, where he fell into conversation 
 with a lady likewise masked, and with whom he 
 was unacquainted. The lady proposed to his 
 majesty to go to the sideboard to refresh them- 
 selves; the king consented. They were served 
 with wine : — " To the health of the Pretender," 
 said the lady. " With all my heart," replied the 
 
 
JOE MILLER 43 
 
 generous Monarch ; " I drink willingly to the 
 health of all unfortunate princes!" 
 
 911. — When Buonaparte, then First Con- 
 sul for life, wished to take the title of Emperor, 
 his brother Lucien opposed himself to the proj- 
 ect with all his power — " Your ambition knows 
 no bounds," exclaimed he ; " you are master of 
 France, you wish to be master of all Europe. 
 Do you know what the result will be? You wiSj 
 be smashed to pieces like this watch," — flinging 
 his watch violently on the floor. 
 
 912. — At a Dinner Party at the Duke of 
 Ormond's, in 1715, Sir William Wyndham, in a 
 jocular dispute about short prayers, told the 
 company, among whom was Bishop Atterbury, 
 that the shortest prayer he had ever heard 
 was that of a common soldier just before the 
 battle of Blenheim : — " O God, if there be a God, 
 save my soul, if I have a soul." This was fol- 
 lowed by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to 
 join in the conversation, and applying himself 
 to Sir William Wyndham, said, " Your prayer, 
 Sir William, is indeed very short ; but I remember 
 another as short, but much better, offered up 
 likewise by a poor soldier in the same circum- 
 stances — " O God, if in the day of battle I for- 
 get thee, do not thou forget me!" 
 
 913. — Lord Albemarle being at Aix-la- 
 Chapelle, wished not to be known, and desired 
 his Negro servant, in case he should be asked 
 about him, to say that his master was a French- 
 man. The Negro was at last questioned on that 
 
U JOE MILLER 
 
 head, and answered, " My master is a French- 
 man, and so am I." 
 
 914i. — One of Cromwell's Grand-daugh- 
 ters was remarkable for her vivacity and hu- 
 mour. One summer, being in company at Tun 
 bridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great 
 offence at some sarcastic observation she made, 
 intending to insult her, said, " You need not 
 give yourself such airs, madam; you know } T our 
 grandfather was hanged." — To which she in- 
 stantly replied, " But not till he was dead." 
 
 915. — Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being 
 in Spain, went to visit the famous librarv of the 
 Escurial, where he found a very ignorant librar- 
 ian. The king of Spain interrogated him re- 
 specting it. " J Tis an admirable one, indeed," 
 said he ; " but your majesty should give the man 
 who has the care of it the administration of your 
 finances." — "Wherefore?" asked the king. 
 " Because," replied Bautru, " the man never 
 touches the treasure that is confided to him." 
 
 916. — A Certain Witty Physician, but 
 whose humour occasionally verged on buffoon- 
 ery, was to dine one day at the table of the Elec- 
 tor of . This prince, anxious to divert him- 
 self by embarrassing the doctor, ordered that no 
 spoon should be given him ; soup was served up, 
 and the Elector invited him to partake of it, 
 which he declined as well as he could ; but the 
 prince, in order to deprive him of all pretext, 
 said : " Eh ! a rogue that won't cat soup ! " — 
 At this threat, the doctor took up a roll, hoi- 
 
JOE MILLER 45 
 
 lowed it by taking out the crumb, stuck it on the 
 end of a fork, and used it as a spoon ! — The 
 guests looked at each other, the prince acknowl- 
 edged himself beaten, and the doctor's imagina- 
 tion diverted every one. 
 
 917. — King James I., made a progress to 
 Chester in 1617, and was attended by a great 
 number of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity 
 to see him. The weather was very warm, the 
 roads dusty, and the king almost suffocated. He 
 did not know how to get civilly rid of them, when 
 one of his attendants, putting his head out of the 
 coach, said, " It is his majesty's wish, that those 
 who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards," 
 Away scampered the Welsh gentry at full gal- 
 lop : one, however, was left behind — " And so," 
 said the king to him, " you are not a gentleman, 
 then? " — " Oh yes, and please your majesty, hur 
 is as goot a gentleman as the rest ; but hur horse, 
 Cot help hur, is not so goot." 
 
 918. — The employment of Bonaparte's con- 
 fidential secretaries w T as, of all kinds of slavery, 
 the least supportable. Day and night it was 
 necessary to be on the spot. Sleep, meals, health, 
 fatigue, nothing was regarded. A minute's ab- 
 sence would have been a crime. Friends, pleas- 
 ures, public amusements, promenades, rest, all 
 must be given up. The Baron de Maineval, and 
 the Baron Fain, knew this by hard experience ; 
 but at the same time they enjoyed his boundless 
 confidence, the most implicit reliance on their dis- 
 cretion, and a truly royal liberality; they both 
 
46 JOE MILLER 
 
 deserved his confidence. One day at two o'clock 
 the Emperor went out to hunt : " He will prob- 
 ably, as usual, be absent four hours," Maineval 
 calculates : it is his father's jour-de-fete : he may 
 surely venture to leave the palace for a short 
 time. He has bought a little villa, and is desir 
 ous to present it to his beloved father, and to 
 give him the title-deeds. He sets out, the whole 
 family is collected, he is warmly greeted, they 
 see him so seldom ! The present is given, the 
 joy increases, dinner is ready, and he is pressed 
 to stop : he refuses, " The Emperor may return 
 and ask for me." — " Oh, he won't be angry — 
 you are never away." The entreaties redouble : 
 at last he yields, and time flies swiftly when we 
 are surrounded by those we love. In the mean- 
 time the Emperor returns, even sooner than 
 usual. He enters his cabinet. — " Maineval ! let 
 him be called." They seek him in vain. Na- 
 polean grows impatient — " Well, Maineval ! " — 
 They fear to tell him that he is absent, but at last 
 it is impossible to conceal it. At length Maine- 
 val returns. — " The Emperor has inquired for 
 you ; he is angry." — " All is lost ! " said Maine- 
 val to himself. He makes up his mind, however, 
 and presents himself: his reception was terrible. 
 — " Where do you come from? go about your 
 business ! " exclaimed Napoleon : " I do not want 
 men who neglect their duty." Maineval, trem- 
 bling, retires; he did not sleep all night; he saw 
 his hopes deceived, his services lost, his fortune 
 missed — it was a dreadful night. Day at length 
 
JOE MILLER 47 
 
 came ; he reflected " He did not give me a formal 
 dismission." — He dressed himself, and at the 
 usual hour went to the Emperor's cabinet. Some 
 minutes after Napoleon enters, looks at him with- 
 out speaking, writes a note, rises, and walks 
 about. Maincval continues the task he has in 
 hand without lifting up his eyes. Napoleon, 
 with his hands behind his back, stops before him, 
 and abruptly asks — " What ails you? — Are you 
 ill?" — "No, Sire," timidly replies Maineval, 
 rising up to answer. — " Sit down, you are ill ; 
 I don't like people to tell me falsehoods ; I in- 
 sist on knowing." — " Sire, the fear of having 
 forfeited the kindness of your majesty deprived 
 me of sleep." — " Where were you then yester- 
 day ? " — Maineval told him the motive of his 
 absence — " I thought this little property would 
 gratify my father." — " And where did you 
 get the money to buy this house? " — " Sire, 
 I had saved it out of the salary your majesty 
 condescends to assign me." — Napoleon, after 
 having looked on him steadily for a few minutes, 
 said, " Take a slip of paper and write, ' The 
 treasurer of my civil list will pay the bearer the 
 sum of eighty thousand francs.' " — He took the 
 draft and signed it. — " There, put that in your 
 pocket, and now let us set about our regular 
 business." 
 
 919. — Sir Henry Sidney was the virtuous 
 and brave father of a still more renowned son, 
 Sir Philip Sidney. He once said to a friend of a 
 fretful and querulous temper, with all the sen- 
 
48 JOE MILLER 
 
 tentiousness and wisdom of the philosophers of 
 old, " Take from me, Sir, this maxim : a weak 
 man complains of others, an unfortunate man 
 complains of himself, but a wise man complains 
 neither of others nor of himself." 
 
 920. — Zimmerman, who was very eminent as 
 a physician, went from Hanover to attend Fred- 
 erick the Great in his last illness. One day the 
 king said to him, " You have, I presume, Sir, 
 helped many a man into another world? " This 
 was rather a bitter pill for the doctor; but the 
 dose he gave the king in return was a judicious 
 mixture of truth and flattery : " Not so many as 
 your majesty, nor with so much honour to my- 
 self." 
 
 921. — A Spanish Ambassador one day en- 
 tered rather unexpectedly into a room in which 
 Henry IV. was discovered on all-fours, with his 
 little son upon his back. The king stopped, and 
 looking earnestly at the ambassador, said to him, 
 "Pray, Sir, have }^ou any children?" — "Yes, 
 Sire, several." — " Well, then, I shall complete 
 my round ; " and he immediately set off on hands 
 and knees again, till both boy and father were 
 tired with the sport. 
 
 922. — Admiral Montague once addressed a 
 wretched little chimney-sweeping boy, who had 
 been sweeping his chimneys—" Suppose now I 
 give you a shilling? " — " God bless your honour, 
 and thank you ! " said the forlorn boy. " And 
 what if I give you a fine tye-wig to wear on May- 
 day, which is just at hand? " — " Ah, bless your 
 
JOE MILLER 49 
 
 honour ! my master won't let me out on May-day 
 — he says it's low life." 
 
 923. — At a Grand Review by George III. 
 of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy 
 who mounted the shrouds with so much agility, 
 as to surprise every spectator. The king par- 
 ticularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, 
 " Lothian, I have heard much of your agility ; 
 let us see you run up after that boy." — " Sire," 
 replied Lord Lothian, " it is my duty to follow 
 your majesty " 
 
 924. — A French Ambassador at an audience 
 with James I. conversed with such rapidity, ges- 
 ticulation, and grimace, as excited the wonder 
 and conversation of the court. James after- 
 wards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon, what he 
 thought of the ambassador. " Sire," replied the 
 philosopher, " he appears a fine, tall, well-built 
 man." — " I mean," interrupted the king, " what 
 do you think of his head? Is it equal to his 
 employ?" — "Sire," answered Bacon, "men of 
 high stature very often resemble houses of four 
 or five stories, where the upper one is always 
 the worst furnished." 
 
 925. — Frederick the Great rang one day, 
 and nobody answered. He opened the door, and 
 found the page sleeping on a sofa. About to 
 wake him, he perceived the end of a billet out of 
 his pocket, and had the curiosity to know the 
 contents: Frederick carefully drew it out, and 
 read it; it was a letter from the mother of the 
 young man, who thanked him for having sent 
 
50 JOE MILLER 
 
 her part of his wages, to assist her in her dis- 
 tress ; and it concluded by beseeching God to 
 bless him for his filial goodness. The king re- 
 turned softly to his room, took a roller of ducats, 
 and slid them, with the letter, into the page's 
 pocket; and then returning to his apartment, 
 rung so violently, that the page came running 
 breathlessly to know what had happened. " You 
 have slept well," said the king. The page made 
 an apology, and, in his embarrassment, he hap- 
 pened to put his hand into his pocket, and felt 
 with astonishment the roller. He drew it out, 
 turned pale, and looking at the king, burst into 
 tears, without being able to speak a word. 
 " What is the matter ? " said the king, " what 
 ails you? " — " Ah, Sire," answered the youth, 
 throwing himself at his feet, " somebody would 
 wish to ruin me ; I know not how I came by this 
 money in my pocket." — " My friend," said 
 Frederick, " God often s°nds us good in our 
 sleep. Send this to your mother. Salute her in 
 my name, and assure her I shall take care of her 
 and of you." 
 
 926. — " Mademoiselle," said Louis XV. to 
 a young lady belonging to his court, " I am as- 
 sured that you are very learned, and understand 
 four or five continental languages." — " I know 
 only two, sire'," answered she, trembling. — 
 "Which are they ? " — " English and Italian." 
 — "Do you speak them fluently?" — Yes, sire, 
 very fluently." — " That is quite enough to drive 
 a husband mad ! " 
 
JOE MILLER 51 
 
 927. — A Lady had a tame bird which she was 
 in the habit of letting out of its cage every day. 
 One morning as it was picking crumbs of bread 
 off the carpet, her cat, who always before showed 
 gnat kindness for the bird, seized it on a sudden, 
 and jumped with it in her mouth upon a table. 
 The lady was much alarmed for the fate of her 
 favourite, but, on turning about, instantly dis- 
 cerned the cause. The door had been left open, 
 and a strange cat had just come into the room! 
 After turning it out, her own cat came down 
 from her place of safety, and dropped the bird 
 without doing it the smallest injury. 
 
 928. — In the Year 1765, one Carr, a water- 
 man, having laid a wager that he and his dog 
 would both leap from the centre arch of West- 
 minster bridge, and land at Lambeth within a 
 minute of each other; he jumped off first, and 
 the dog immediately followed; but not being in 
 the secret, and fearing his master should be 
 drowned, the dog laid hold of him by the neck, 
 and dragged him on shore to the no small diver- 
 sion of the spectators. 
 
 929. — The Laird of M'N b was writing 
 
 to one of his Dulcineas from an Edinburgh 
 coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaint- 
 ance observed that he was setting at defiance the 
 laws of orthography and grammar. " D — n 
 your blood ! " exclaimed the Highland chieftain, 
 " how can a man write grammar with a pen like 
 this?" 
 
 930. — Shexstone was one day walking 
 
52 JOE MILLER 
 
 through his romantic retreat in company with 
 his Delia (her real name was Wilmot) when a 
 man rushed out of a thicket, and presenting a 
 pistol to his breast, demanded his money. Shen- 
 stone was surprised, and Delia fainted. 
 " Money," said the robfeer, " is not worth strug- 
 gling for; you cannot be poorer than I am." — 
 " Unhappy man ! " exclaimed Shenstone, throw- 
 ing his purse to him, " take it and fly as quick as 
 possible." The man did so, threw his pistol in 
 the water, and instantly disappeared. Shen- 
 stone ordered his foot-boy to follow the robber, 
 and observe where he went. In two hours the 
 boy returned, and informed his master that he 
 followed him to Halesowen, where he lived ; that 
 he went to the door of his house, and peeping 
 through the key-hole, saw the man throw the 
 purse on the ground, and say to his wife, " Take 
 the dear-bought price of my honesty ; " then 
 taking two of his children, one on each knee, he 
 said to them, " I have ruined my soul to keep you 
 from starving ; " and immediately burst into a 
 flood of tears. Shenstone, on hearing this, lost 
 no time in inquiring the man's character, and 
 found that he was a labourer oppressed by want, 
 and a numerous family ; but had the reputation 
 of being honest and industrious. Shenstone 
 went to his house ; the poor man fell at his feet, 
 and implored mercy. The poet took him home 
 with him, and provided him with employment. 
 931. — George III. in his walks about his 
 farms, was often alone, and many pleasant little 
 
JOE MILLER 53 
 
 incidents occurred on meeting with rustics, to 
 whom he was sometimes unknown. One day he 
 had to pass through a narrow hedge-gate, on 
 which sat a young clown, who showed no readi- 
 ness in moving. " Who are you, boy ? " said 
 the king. "I be a pig boy," answered he. 
 " Where do you come from? Who do you work 
 for here ? " — " I be from the low country ; out 
 of work at present." — " Don't they want lads 
 here? " said the king. " I doan't know," re- 
 joined the boy, " all belongs hereabouts to 
 Georgy." — " Pray," said his Majesty, " who is 
 Georgy f " — " lie be the king, and lives at the 
 Castle, but he does no good for me." His Maj- 
 esty, immediately gave orders at his farm hard 
 by, to have the boy employed ; and when he saw 
 him, told him to be a steady lad, and " Georgy " 
 might do some good for him. 
 
 932. — In one of the excursions of George III. 
 during the hay harvest in the neighbourhood of 
 Weymouth, he passed a field where only one 
 woman was at work. His Majesty asked her 
 where the rest of her companions were? The 
 woman answered, they are gone to see the king. 
 " And why did you not go with them? " rejoined 
 his Majesty. " I would not give a pin to see 
 him," replied the woman ; " besides, the fools 
 that have gone to town will lose a day's work 
 by it, and that is more than I can afford to do. 
 I have five children to work for," &c. " Well, 
 then," said his Majesty, putting some money 
 into her hands, " you may tell your companions 
 
54 JOE MILLER 
 
 who are gone to see the king, that the king came 
 to see you." 
 
 933. — In the Famous Trial of the Dean of 
 Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, 
 relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. 
 Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The 
 counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an 
 answer. The judge again interposed his au- 
 thority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, 
 Mr. Erskine ; know your duty, or I shall be 
 obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine 
 with equal warmth replied, " I know my duty as 
 well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand 
 here as the advocate of a fellow-citizen, and I 
 will not sit down." The judge was silent, and 
 the advocate persisted in his question. 
 
 934. — Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, 
 was once hastily awakened in the middle of the 
 night by the lieutenant of the watch, who in- 
 formed him with great agitation that the ship 
 was on fire near the magazine. " If that be the 
 case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his 
 clothes, " we shall soon know it." The lieutenant 
 flew back to the scene of danger, and almost in- 
 stantly returning, exclaimed, " You need not, 
 Sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished." — 
 " Afraid," exclaimed Howe, " what do you 
 mean by that, Sir? I never was afraid in my 
 life ; " and looking the lieutenant full in the face, 
 he added, " Pray, how does a man feel, Sir, when 
 he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks." 
 
 935. — In Earl Howe's Engagement with 
 
JOE MILLER 55 
 
 the French fleet, on the 1st of June, 1794, the 
 Marlborough, by intrepidly breaking the en- 
 emy's line, became totally dismasted, and in that 
 situation dropped with her stern on the bows of 
 a French eighty-four, whose bowsprit came over 
 the Marlborough's poop. The Frenchmen were 
 preparing to board, though with evident reluc- 
 tance, when an English sailor of the name of 
 Appleford, to be beforehand with them, mounted 
 their bowsprit, and with his cutlass boldly leaped 
 upon their forecastle, which he not only took 
 possession of, but forced his adversaries to fly 
 for safety to the waist of the ship. A French 
 officer, observing the uncommon behaviour of the 
 British tar, rushed from the quarter-deck, to re- 
 proach so many of his men for running away 
 from one; and to convince them of his own 
 honour, instantly made an attack upon Apple- 
 ford, who, however, was fortunate enough to con- 
 quer him. His situation by this time becoming 
 extremely dangerous, he thought it best to effect 
 his retreat, as he was not at that time assisted 
 on the spot by any of his countrymen ; with this 
 intention he again mounted the bowsprit, and 
 by courageously springing from it, reached the 
 poop-deck of his o*vn ship at the moment when 
 the vessels were drifting from each other. — 
 During the confusion of the battle, the Marl- 
 borough was taken by several English ships for 
 a Frenchman, more particularly so, as the whole 
 of her colours had been shot away, but one white 
 ensign which was then hoisted. This circum- 
 
56 JOE MILLER 
 
 stance occasioned much destruction from the fire 
 of those ships which fell into the mistake. At 
 length the solitary ensign was also shot away ; 
 and by this circumstance, the honour of Old 
 England for a moment appeared to suffer. 
 From the impossibility of replacing the colours, 
 it seemed as if the ship had struck to the French, 
 an idea which operated so strongly on the mind 
 of Appleford, that he loudly exclaimed, " The 
 English colours shall never be dous'd where I 
 am ! " Then casting his eyes round the deck, 
 he perceived the dead body of a marine, who had 
 been shot through the head ; he instantly stripped 
 off his red coat, stuck it on a boarding pike, and 
 exalted it in the air, swearing that the English- 
 men would not desert their colours, and that when 
 all the red coats were gone, they would hoist 
 blue jackets. The singularity of such conduct 
 infused fresh spirit into the hardy sons of Nep- 
 tune, and they bravely fought till the glorious 
 moment when the terrific struggle ended in vic- 
 tory. 
 
 936. — When Rochelle was Besieged by 
 the Royalist armies in 1627, the inhabitants 
 elected for their Mayor, Captain, and Governor, 
 Jean Guiton. This brave man at first modestly 
 refused the office ; but being pressed by all his 
 fellow townsmen, he took up a poignard and 
 said, " I will be mayor since you wish it, but on 
 on the condition that I may be permitted to strike 
 this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks 
 of surrendering. I consent that you shall do 
 
JOE MILLER 57 
 
 the same to me, if I mention capitulating; and 
 1 demand that this poignard lie always read} 7 
 on the table, when we assemble in the Town 
 House." Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted 
 tlic operations of the siege, had raised a mole 
 before the gate of the city, which shut up the 
 entrance, and prevented provisions from reach- 
 ing it. Someone saying to Guiton that many 
 of the people had perished of hunger, and that 
 death would soon sweep away all the inhabitants : 
 " Well," said he coolly, " it will be sufficient if 
 one remains to shut the gates." 
 
 957. — The Spirit of Litigation was, per- 
 haps, never carried to a greater extent, than in 
 the cause between two eminent potters of Hand- 
 ley Green, Staffordshire, for a sum of two 
 pounds, nine shillings, and one penny. After 
 being in chancery eleven years, from 1749 to 
 1760, it was put an end to by John Morton 
 and Randle Wilbraham, Esquires, to whom it 
 was referred; when they determined that the 
 complainant filed his bill without any cause, and 
 that he was indebted to the defendant at the 
 same time the sum for which he had brought this 
 action. This they awarded him to pay, with a 
 thousand guineas of costs ! 
 
 938. — The Longest Suit on record in Eng- 
 land, is one which existed between the heirs of 
 Sir Thomas Talbot, Viscount Lisle, and the heir.s 
 of a Lord Berkeley, respecting some property in 
 the county of Gloucester, not far from Wotton- 
 under-Edge. It began at the end of the reign 
 
58 JOE MILLER 
 
 of Edward the Fourth, and was pending until 
 the beginning of that of James the First, when 
 it was finally compounded, being a period of not 
 less than one hundred and twenty years ! 
 
 939. — " I Have always remarked," says the 
 celebrated traveller Ledyard, " that women in all 
 countries are civil, obliging, tender, and hu- 
 mane. To a woman, whether civilized or savage, 
 I never addressed myself in the language of de- 
 „»cency and friendship, without receiving a decent 
 and friendly answer. With man, it has often 
 been otherwise. In wandering over the barren 
 plains of inhospitable Denmark; through honest 
 Sweden, and frozen Lapland : rude and churlish 
 Finland ; unprincipled Russia ; and the wide- 
 spread regions of the wandering Tartar, if hun- 
 gry, dry, cold, wet, or sick, the women have ever 
 been friendly to me, and uniformly so ; and to 
 add to this virtue (so worthy the appellation of 
 bnevolence), these actions have been performed 
 in so free and kind a manner, that if I was dry, 
 I drank the sweetest draught; and if hungry I 
 ate the coarsest morsel with a double relish." 
 
 940. — When Admiral Cornwallis com- 
 manded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the 
 ship, on account of some accidental delay in the 
 clerks paying some of the crew, in consequence 
 of which they signed what is termed a round 
 rcbin, wherein they declared, to a man, that they 
 would not fire a gun till they were paid. Cap- 
 tain Cornwallis, on receiving; this declaration, 
 caused all hands to be called upon deck, and thus 
 
JOE MILLER 59 
 
 addressed them : " My lads, the money cannot 
 be paid till we return to port, and as to your no': 
 fighting, that is mere nonsense: — I'll clap you 
 alongside the first large ship of the enemy I sec, 
 and i know that the devil himself will not be able 
 to keep you from it." The tars were so pleased 
 with this compliment that they returned to their 
 duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid 
 the money ten times over. 
 
 941. — The late Earl of Pembroke, who 
 had many good qualities, but always persisted 
 inflexibly in his own opinion, which, as well as 
 his conduct, was very often singular, thought of 
 an expedient to prevent the exhortations and im- 
 portunities of those about him. This was to 
 feign himself deaf; and under pretence of hear- 
 ing very imperfectly, he would always form his 
 answer not by what was really said to him, but 
 by what he desired to have said. Among other 
 servants was one who had lived with him from 
 a child, and served him with great fidelity and 
 affection, till at length he became his coachman. 
 This man by degrees got a habit of drinking, 
 for which his lady often desired that he might 
 be dismissed. My lord always answered, " Yes, 
 indeed, John is an excellent servant." — " I say," 
 replied the lady, " that he is continually drunk, 
 and desire that he may be turned off." — " Aye," 
 said his lordship, " he has lived with me from a 
 child, and, as you say, a trifle of wages should 
 not part us." John, however, one evening, as he 
 was driving from Kensington, overturned his 
 
60 JOE MILLER 
 
 lady in Hyde Park ; she was not much hurt, but 
 when she came home, she began to rattle the earl. 
 " Here," says she, " is that beast John, so drunk 
 that he can scarcely stand ; he has overturned 
 the coach, and if he is not discharged, may break 
 our necks." — " Aye," says my lord, " is poor 
 John sick? Alas, I am sorry for him." — " I 
 am complaining," says my lady, " that he is 
 drunk, and has overturned me." — " Aye," an- 
 swered his lordship, " to be sure he has behaved 
 very well, and shall have proper advice." My 
 lady, finding it hopeless to remonstrate, went 
 aA\ ay in a pet ; and my lord having ordered John 
 into his presence, addressed him very coolly in 
 these words : " John, you know I have a regard 
 for you, and as long as you behave well you shall 
 be taken care of in my family : my lady tells me 
 you are taken ill, and indeed I see that you can 
 hardly stand ; go to bed, and I will take care 
 that you have proper advice." John, being thus 
 dismissed, was taken to bed, where, by his lord- 
 ships's order, a large blister was put upon his 
 head, another between his shoulders, and sixteen 
 ounces of blood taken from his arm. John 
 found himself next morning in a woful plight, 
 and was soon acquainted with the w r hole process, 
 and the reason upon which it was commenced. 
 He had no remedy, however, but to submit, for 
 he would rather have incurred as many more 
 blisters than lose 1 lis place. My lord sent very 
 formally twice a day to know how lie was, mid 
 frequently congratulated my lady upon John's 
 
JOE MILLER 61 
 
 recovery, whom he directed to be fed only with 
 water-gruel, and to have no company but an old 
 nurse. In about a week, John having constantly 
 sent word that he was well, my lord thought fit 
 to understand the messenger, and said, " that he 
 was extremely glad to hear that the fever had 
 left him, and desired to see him." When John 
 came in, " Well, John," says he, " I hope this 
 bout is over." — " Ah, my lord," says John, " I 
 humbly ask your lordship's pardon, and I prom- 
 ise never to commit the same fault again." — 
 " A}'e, aye," says my lord, " you arc right, no- 
 body can prevent sickness, and if you should be 
 sick again, John, I shall sec it, though perhaps 
 you should not complain, and I promise you 
 shall always have the same advice, and the same 
 attendance that you have had now." — " God 
 bless your lordship," says John, " I hope there 
 will be no need." — " So do I, too," said his lord- 
 ship, " but as long as you do your duty to me, 
 never fear, I shall do mine to you." 
 
 942. — When that great statesman, Lord 
 Chatham, had settled a plan for some sea expedi- 
 tion he had in view, he sent orders to Lord Anson 
 to sec the necessary arrangements taken imme- 
 diately, and the number of ships required, prop- 
 erly fitted out by a given time. On the receipt 
 of the orders, Mr. Cleveland was sent from the 
 Admiralty to remonstrate on the impossibility of 
 obeying them. He found his lordship in the 
 most excruciating pain, from one of the most 
 severe fits of the gout he had ever experienced. 
 
62 JOE MILLER 
 
 " Impossible, Sir," said he, " don't talk to me of 
 impossibilities : " and then raising himself upon 
 his legs, while the sweat stood in large drops upon 
 his forehead, and every fibre of his body was con- 
 vulsed with agony. " Go, Sir, and tell his lord- 
 ship, that he has to do with a minister who act- 
 ually treads upon impossibilities." 
 
 943. — Dr. Goldsmith, sitting one evening 
 at the tavern where he was accustomed to take 
 his supper, called for a mutton chop, which was 
 no sooner placed on the table, than a gentleman 
 near him, with whom he was intimately ac- 
 quainted, showed great tokens of uneasiness, and 
 wondered how the Doctor could suffer the waiter 
 to place such a stinking chop before him. 
 " Stinking! " said Goldsmith, " in good troth I 
 do not smell it." — " I never smelled anything so 
 unpleasant in my life," answered the gentleman ; 
 " the fellow deserves a caning for bringing you 
 meat unfit to eat." — " In good troth," said the 
 poet, relying on his judgment, " I think so too; 
 but I will be less severe in my punishment." He 
 instantly called the waiter, and insisted that he 
 should eat the chop as a punishment. The 
 waiter resisted ; but the Doctor threatened to 
 knock him down with his cane if he did not im- 
 mediately comply. When he had eaten half th^ 
 chop, the Doctor gave him a glass of wine, think- 
 ing that it would make the remainder of the sen- 
 tence less painful to him. When the waiter had 
 finished his repast, Goldsmith's friend burst into 
 a loud laugh. " What ails you now? " said the 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 63 
 
 poet. — " Indeed, my good friend," said the 
 other, " I could never think that a man whose 
 knowledge of letters is so extensive as yours, 
 could be so great a dupe to a stroke of humour ; 
 the chop was as fine a one as ever I saw in my 
 life."—" Was it? " said Dr. Goldsmith, " then I 
 will never give credit to what you say again ; 
 and so, in good troth, I think I am even with 
 you." What a truly mortifying answer must 
 this have been, if the heart of his acquaintance 
 was not callous to reproof. 
 
 944. — A Loving Husband once waited on a 
 physician to request him to prescribe for his 
 wife's eyes, which were very sore. " Let her 
 wash them," said the doctor, " every morning 
 with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks 
 after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. — 
 " Well, my friend, has your wife followed my 
 advice? " — " She has done everything in her 
 power to do it, doctor," said the spouse, " but she 
 never could get the glass higher than her 
 mouth." 
 
 945. — After the Battee of Culloden, in 
 the year 1745, a reward of thirty thousand 
 pounds was offered to any one who should dis- 
 cover or deliver up the young Pretender. He 
 had taken refuge with the Kennedies, two com- 
 mon thieves, who protected him with the great- 
 est fidelity, robbed for his support, and often 
 went in disguise to Inverness to purchase pro- 
 visions for him. A considerable time after- 
 wards, one of these men, who had resisted the 
 
64 JOE MILLER 
 
 temptation of thirty thousand pounds from a 
 regard to his honour, was hanged for stealing 
 a cow of the value of thirty shillings. 
 
 946. — When George I. succeeded to the 
 throne of England, he brought over with him 
 from Hanover his cook, to whom he was ex- 
 tremely partial. After some stay at St. James's, 
 the cook grew melancholy, and wanted leave to 
 return home to Hanover. The king being in- 
 formed of this, desired to see him ; and when the 
 cook came into his presence, he asked him why 
 he wished to leave his service. The cook replied : 
 " I have long lerved your majesty with diligence 
 and honesty, and never suffered any of your 
 property to be embezzled in your kitchen; but 
 here the dishes no sooner come from the table 
 than one steals a fowl, another a pig, a third 
 takes a joint of meat, a fourth a pie, and so on, 
 till the whole is gone ; and I cannot bear to see 
 your majesty so injured." The king laughed 
 heartily, and said, " My revenues here are suffi- 
 cient to enable me to bear these things, and there- 
 fore, to reconcile you to your place, do you steal 
 as well as the rest, and mind that you take 
 enough." The ccok followed his master's ad- 
 vice, and in a short time became more expert than 
 his fellow-servants. 
 
 947. — John Hoene Tooke's opinion upon 
 the subject of law was admirable. " Law," he 
 said, " ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, 
 but a remedy, to be easily, cheaply, and speedily 
 obtained by the poor." A person observed to 
 
JOE MILLER 65 
 
 him, how excellent are the English laws, because 
 they are impartial, and our courts of justice are 
 open to all persons without distinction. " And 
 so," said Tooke, " is the London Tavern, to such 
 as can afford to pay for their entertainment." 
 
 943. — General Wolfe invited a Scotch offi- 
 cer to dine with him : the same day he was also 
 invited by some brother officers. " You must 
 excuse me," said he to them : " I am already en- 
 gaged to Wolfe." — A smart young ensign ob- 
 served, he might as well have expressed himself 
 with more respect, and said General Wolfe. — 
 " Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great 
 promptitude, " we never say General Alexander, 
 or General Caesar." Wolfe, who was within 
 hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, 
 acknowledged the pleasure he felt at the high 
 compliment. 
 
 949. — While Commodore Anson's Ship, the 
 Centurion, was engaged in close fight with the 
 rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, 
 a sailor came running to him, and cried out, 
 " Sir, our ship is on fire very near the powder 
 magazine." — " Then pray, friend," said the 
 commodore, not in the least degree discomposed, 
 " run back and assist in putting it out." 
 
 950. — " Madam," said the keeper at the gate 
 of Kensington Gardens, " I cannot permit you 
 to take your dog into the garden." — " Don't 
 you see, my good friend," said the lady, putting 
 a couple of shillings into the keeper's hand, 
 " that it is a cat, and not a dog? " — " Madam," 
 
66 JOE MILLER 
 
 said the keeper, instantly softening the tone of 
 his voice, " I beg your pardon for my mistake ; 
 I now see clearly, by the aid of the pair of spec- 
 tacles you have been so good as to give me, that 
 it is a cat, and not a dog." 
 
 951. — The Americans are so inquisitive, that 
 Dr. Franklin tells us, when he travelled in Amer- 
 ica, and wished to ask his road, he found it neces- 
 sary to save time by prefacing his question with 
 — " My name is Benjamin Franklin — I am by 
 trade a printer; I am come from such a place, 
 and am going to such a place ; and now tell me 
 which is my road." 
 
 952. — Eewes, the noted miser, used to say, 
 " if you keep one servant, your work is done ; if 
 you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep 
 three, you may do it yourself." 
 
 953. — The Expression of Garrick's Eyes, 
 and the flexibility of his features, are well known 
 to have given him the most extraordinary advan- 
 tages in the representation of various characters. 
 He sometimes availed himself of these natural 
 assistances, to produce a ludicrous scene among 
 his friends. He frequently visited Mr. Rigby, 
 of Misley Thorn, in Essex. Mr. Rigby one day 
 inquired of his servant, what company was ar- 
 rived. The servant sa : d, Lord M was come, 
 
 and had brought with him a short gentleman 
 with very bright eyes, meaning Mr. Garrick. 
 " Why have I not the pleasure of seeing them 
 here? " said Mr. Rigby. — " I don't know," said 
 the servant, " how long it will be before my lord 
 
JOE MILLER 67 
 
 can make his appearance; for the case is rliis : 
 the barber came to shave his lordship; and 
 just as he had shaved half his lordship's face, 
 the short gentleman with the bright eyes began 
 to read the newspaper to him ; but he read it 
 in such a droll way, and made so many odd faces, 
 that my lord laughed, and the barber laughed, 
 and when I went into the room I could not help 
 laughing too ; so that, Sir, if you don't send for 
 the short gentleman, his lordship must appear 
 at dinner with one side of his face smooth, and 
 the other with a beard of two days' growth." 
 
 954. — Dr. Johnson insisted upon the neces- 
 sity of the subordination of rank in society. 
 " Sir," said he to Mr. Boswell, " there is one Mrs. 
 Macauley in this town, a great republican. One 
 day, when I was at her house, I put on a very 
 grave countenance, and said, ' Madam, I am be- 
 come a convert to your system. To give you 
 a decisive proof I am in earnest, here is a very 
 sensible, well-behaved fellow-citizen, your foot- 
 man, I desire that he may be allowed to sit down 
 and dine with us.' She has never liked me since 
 this proposal. Your levellers wish to level down 
 as far as themselves, but they cannot bear level- 
 ling up to themselves." 
 
 955. — As Charles XII. of Sweden was dic- 
 tating a letter to his secretary during the siege 
 of Stralsund, a bomb fell through the roof into 
 the next room in the house where they were sit- 
 ting. The terrified secretary let the pen drop 
 from his hand. " What is the matter? " said 
 
68 JOE MILLER 
 
 Charles, calmly. The secretary replied, " Ah, 
 sire, the bomb ! " — " But what has the bomb to 
 do," said Charles, " with what I am dictating to 
 3 T ou? — go on." 
 
 956. — A Fellow, walking down Holborn- 
 hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old 
 gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning 
 upon a post, and courteously asked him what 
 was the matter? " Sir," says the old man, " an 
 impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, 
 and run away with it : I have run after him until 
 I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my 
 life depended on it, go a step farther." — " What, 
 not a step? " said the fellow. " Not a step," 
 returned he. " Why, then, by Jupiter, I must 
 have your wig; " and snatching off his fine flow- 
 ing caxon, the thief was out of sight with it in 
 a minute. 
 
 957. — A Gentleman crossing a very narrow 
 bridge, which was not railed on either side to 
 secure passengers from falling, said to a coun- 
 tryman whom he met, " Methinks this narrow 
 causeway must be very dangerous, honest friend ! 
 pray are not people lost here sometimes? " — 
 " Lost ! — no, Sir," replied the man ; " I never 
 knew anybody lost here in my life ; there have 
 been several drowned indeed, but they were 
 always found again." 
 
 958. — The Earl of P kept a number of 
 
 swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the 
 j^ard one day he was surprised to see the pigs 
 gathered round one trough, and making a great 
 
JOE MILLER 69 
 
 noise. Curiosity prompted him to sec what was 
 the cause, and on looking into the trough he per- 
 ceived a large silver spoon. Just at this crisis 
 a servant maid came out, and began to abuse 
 the pigs for crying so. " Well they may," said 
 his lordship, " when they have got but one silver 
 spoon among them all." 
 
 959. — Dr. John Taylor, the learned critic 
 and philologist, though a close student, was of a 
 temper remarkably social, and possessed talents 
 fitted to adorn and gladden society. An intimate 
 friend and fellow-collegian of the doctor informs 
 us, " If you called on him in the college after 
 dinner, you were sure to find him sitting at an 
 old oval walnut-table covered with books : yet 
 when you began to make apologies for disturbing 
 a person so well employed, he immediately told 
 you to advance, and called out, ' John, John, 
 bring pipes and glasses,' and instantly appeared 
 as cheerful and good-humoured, as if he had not 
 been at all engaged or interrupted. Suppose 
 now, you had staid as long as you would, and 
 been entertained by him most agreeably, you 
 took your leave, and got half way down the 
 stairs ; but recollecting somewhat you had to say 
 to him, you go in again ; the bottles and glasses 
 were gone, the books had expanded themselves so 
 as to re-occupy the whole table, and he was just 
 as much buried in them as when you first came 
 in." 
 
 960. — Dr. Moncey was always strangely in- 
 fatuated with fears of the public funds, a bug- 
 
70 JOE MILLER 
 
 bear that drove him to risk his money on trouble- 
 some securities, and ultimately produced heavy 
 losses. He used to speak feelingly of a Welsh 
 parson and a London attorney. The doctor was 
 frequently anxious, in his absence from his apart- 
 ment, for a place of safety in which to deposit 
 his cash and notes ; bureaus and strong boxes, he 
 was conscious, had often failed in security. Pre- 
 vious to a journey to Norfolk to visit his brother 
 and friends during the hot weather in July, he 
 chose the fire-place of his sitting-room for his 
 treasury, and placed bank-notes and cash to a 
 considerable amount in that unusual situation, 
 in one corner, under the cinders and shavings. 
 On his return after a month's absence, he found 
 his old woman (as he always called his house- 
 keeper) preparing to treat a friend or two with 
 a cup of tea; and by way of shewing respect to 
 her guests, the parlour (or master's sitting- 
 room) fire-place was chosen to make the kettle 
 boil, as she never expected her master till she saw 
 him. The fire had not long been lighted, when 
 her master arrived at the critical moment. When 
 the doctor entered the room the company had 
 scarcely began tea. He ran across the room like 
 a madman, saying, " Hang it, you have ruined 
 me forever: you have burned all my bank- 
 notes ! " — First went the contents of the slop- 
 bason, then the tea-pot; then he rushed to the 
 pump in the kitchen, and brought a pail of 
 water, which he threw partly over the fire and 
 partly over the company, who in the utmost con- 
 
JOE MILLER 71 
 
 sternation, got out of his way as speedily as pos- 
 sible. His housekeeper, afterwards Mrs. Mar- 
 riot, cried out, " For God's sake, Sir, forbear : 
 you will spoil the steel stove and fire irons." — 
 " D — n the irons, you, your company and all ! 
 (replied the doctor) you have burned my bank 
 notes." — " Lord, Sir (said the half-drowned 
 woman), who'd think of putting bank-notes in 
 a bath stove, where a fire is ready laid? " — " And 
 (resumed he) who'd think of making a fire in 
 the summer time, where there has not been one 
 for these several months? " He then pulled out 
 all the coals and cinders, and at one corner he 
 found the remains of his bank-notes, for being 
 twice folded, one quarter of them so doubled, 
 wrapt in brown paper, was entire, so as to be 
 legible. Next day Dr. Moncey went to Lord 
 Godolphin's, told his lordship the story, pro- 
 ducing the remains of the notes, and with such 
 energetic gestures in acting the part of finding 
 them, as greatly diverted the noble lord. He 
 told the doctor, however, that he would go with 
 him to the Bank the next day, and get the cash 
 for him, through his influence, and would be col- 
 lateral security for the doctor's integrity and 
 honesty as to their value. Lord Godolphin hav- 
 ing occasion to see the king that day on business, 
 told his majesty the story of Moncey and his 
 bank-notes. Being well acquainted with the 
 doctor's strange character, the king resolved to 
 go to Lord Godolphin's next morning, and con- 
 ceal himself in a closet. When Moncey came, it 
 
72 JOE MILLER 
 
 was agreed, that Lord Godolphin should ask him 
 to repeat the story, which upon his arrival, Lord 
 Godolphin effected with much difficulty. His 
 majesty was so highly diverted, that, in attempt- 
 ing to stifle the mirth it excited, and to withdraw 
 unperceived, he stumbled, and the closet door 
 opened. The doctor was much chagrined with 
 Lord Godolphin for running the laugh on him, 
 and just broke out " G — d " when his ma- 
 jesty appeared, and on seeing him, the doctor 
 continued: "bless your majesty! this may be a 
 joke with you and his lordship, but with me a 
 loss of nearly four hundred pounds." — " No, 
 no (replied Lord Godolphin), for I am ready to 
 go with you immediate^, and get your notes re- 
 newed, or the money for them." Lord Godolphin 
 ordered his carriage, and agreed to meet the 
 doctor at the room in the Bank, where some of 
 the directors daily attend. The doctor being- 
 obliged to go to the Horse Guards, on business, 
 took water at Whitehall for the Bank. In going 
 down the river his curiosity excited him to pull 
 out his pocket-book, to see if the remains of his 
 notes were safe ; when a sudden puff of wind blew 
 them out of his pocket-book into the river. " Put 
 
 back, you sons of b ! put back — (says the 
 
 doctor) my bank-notes are overboard ! " He was 
 instantly obeyed, and when they reached them, he 
 took his hat and dipped it in the water, inclosing 
 the notes and a hat-full of water. In this state 
 he put it under his arm, and desired to be set on 
 shore immediately. He was landed at the Three 
 

 JOE MILLER 73 
 
 Cranes, walked straight to the Bank, and was 
 shewn into the room where Lord Godolphin had 
 just before arrived, and had given notice of Dr. 
 Mdncey's coming. — " What have you under your 
 arm?" said Lord Godolphin: "The notes," re- 
 plied the doctor, throwing his hat with the con- 
 tents on the table, among all their books and 
 papers ; and with such a force, as to scatter the 
 water in the faces of all who were standing near 
 it. " There (said the doctor) take the remain- 
 der of your notes, for neither fire nor water will 
 consume them ! " * 
 
 961. — Dr. Radcliffe w r as remarkable for a 
 sudden thought in extraordinary cases : he was 
 once sent for into the country to a gentleman 
 who was dangerously ill of a quinsey ; and the 
 doctor soon perceived that no application, inter- 
 nal or external, would be of any service ; upon 
 which he desired the lady of the house to order 
 the cook to make a large hasty-pudding; and 
 when it was done, to let his own servant bring it 
 up. While the cook was about it, he took his 
 man aside, and instructed him what to do. In 
 a short time the man brought up the pudding 
 in great order, and set it on the table, in full 
 view of the patient. " Come, John," said he, 
 " you love hasty-pudding, eat some along with 
 me, for I believe you came out without your 
 breakfast." Both began w T ith their spoons, but 
 John's spoon going twice to his master's once, 
 the doctor took occasion to quarrel with him, and 
 dabbed a spoonful of hot pudding in his face ; 
 
74 JOE MILLER 
 
 John resented it, and threw another at his mas- 
 ter. This put the doctor in a passion ; and, quit- 
 ting his spoon, he took the pudding up by hand- 
 fuls, and threw it at his man; who battled him 
 again in the same manner, till they were both in 
 a most woeful pickle. The patient, who had a 
 full view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the 
 fancy, that he burst into a laughter, which broke 
 the quinsey, and cured him. The doctor and his 
 man were well rewarded. 
 
 962. — " Sitting Once in My Library," says 
 Mr. Harris, " with a friend,* a worthy but mel- 
 ancholy man, I read him out of a book the fol- 
 lowing passage : ' In our time it may be spoken 
 more truly than of old, that virtue is gone, the 
 church is under foot, the clergy is in error, the 
 devil reigneth.'' My friend interrupted me with 
 a sigh, and said, 'Alas! how true! how just a 
 picture of the times ! ' I asked him of what 
 times ? ' Of what times ! ' replied he with emo- 
 tion ; ' can you suppose any other but the pre- 
 sent — were any before ever so corrupt, so bad ? ' 
 — ' Forgive me,' said I, ' for stopping you ; 
 the times I am reading of are older than you 
 imagine ; the sentiment was delivered about four 
 hundred years ago; its author was Sir John 
 Mandeville, who died in 1371.' " 
 
 963. — A Recruiting Serjeant addressing 
 an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets 
 in Manchester, with — " Come, my lad, thon'lt 
 tight for thy king, won't thou? " — " Voight for 
 
JOE MILLER 75 
 
 my king," answered Hodge, " why, has he fawn 
 out wi' ony body ? " 
 
 964. — After a Battle lately between two 
 celebrated pugilists, an Irishman made his way 
 to the chaise, where the one who had lost the 
 battle had been conveyed, and said to him, " How 
 are }^ou, my good fellow? can you sec at all with 
 the eye that's knocked out? " 
 
 965. — Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday 
 stumbled into a Presbyterian church, probably 
 to beguile a few idle moments (for few will ac- 
 cuse that gentleman of having been a warm ad- 
 mirer of Calvinism), and seeing the parson ap- 
 parently overwhelmed by the importance of his 
 subject: — "What the devil makes the man 
 greet? " said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near 
 him. " By my faith, Sir," answered the other, 
 " you would perhaps greet too, if you were in 
 his place, and had as little to say." — " Come 
 along with me, friend, and let's have a glass to- 
 gether; you are too good a fellow to be here," 
 said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee. 
 
 966. — The Following Passage occurs in the 
 Journal of the Rev. J. Wesley, under the date 
 of Thursday, 27th of December, 1744.— " I 
 called on the solicitor whom I had employed in 
 the suit lately commenced against me in chan- 
 cery. And here I first saw that foul monster, a 
 chancery bill ! A scroll it was of forty-two pages 
 in large folio, to tell a story which need not have 
 taken up forty lines ! And stuffed with such 
 
76 JOE MILLER 
 
 stupid, senseless, improbable lies (many of them 
 too quite foreign to the question), as I believe 
 would have cost the compiler his life, in any 
 heathen court either of Greece or Rome. And 
 this is equity in a Christian country ! This i 
 the English method of redressing grievances.' 
 967. — The Duke of Bridgewater was a 
 very shy man and much disliked general society ; 
 and was either denied to morning visitors, or con - 
 trived to slip out of the way when any one called 
 on him. The clergyman of the parish, Mr. Ken- 
 yon, who had some particular business with him 
 respecting the tithes of the parish, had often 
 tried to gain admittance to him, but in vain, 
 being always told that his grace was very busy, 
 or was not at home. Determined, however, to 
 have an interview with him, Mr. K. called at a 
 very early hour in the morning, thinking he 
 should be certain, by this plan, of finding the 
 duke at home. But still he was disappointed, 
 the servant giving the customary answer, that 
 his grace was gone out. Mr. Kenyon, fully as- 
 sured that this was not the case, and steady to 
 his point, loitered about the house, that he might 
 catch its noble owner when he quitted it. In a 
 short time he perceived his grace slip out of a 
 back door. Mr. Kenyon did not shew himself, 
 lest the duke, seeing him, might slip in again, 
 but kept liis eye upon him, till he saw him cross 
 a field, and take the way to his navigation. He 
 then walked hastily after the object of his pur- 
 suit; not being able to conceal himself, was soon 
 
JOE MILLER 
 
 77 
 
 discovered by the duke. His grace, perceiving 
 that he must be overtaken, instantly took to his 
 heels : Mr. Kcnyon did the same. They both ran 
 stoutly for some time, till the duke, seeing he 
 had the worst of the course, turned aside and 
 jumped into a saw-pit. He was followed in a 
 trice, into his place of refuge, by his pursuer, 
 who immediately exclaimed, " Now, my lord 
 duke, I have you." His grace burst into a fit 
 of laughter, and the business of the tithe was 
 quickly and amicably settled. 
 
 968. — The Late Duke of N , who was 
 
 what is called a six-bottle man, was very fond of 
 the society of a person much his inferior in rank ; 
 and their intimacy has been very rationally ac- 
 counted for, on the principle of *mutual assist- 
 ance. The duke, when inebriated, lost his voice, 
 but retained the use of his limbs ; his friend, on 
 the contrary, retained his power of speech, but 
 could not stand. So the duke, who could not 
 speak, rang the bell; and his friend, who could 
 not move, ordered more wane. 
 
 969. — Some time after the Eddystonc light- 
 house was erected, a shoemaker engaged to be 
 light-keeper. When in the boat which conveyed 
 him thither, the skipper addressing him, said 
 " How^ happens it, Jacob, that you should choose 
 to go and be cooped up here as a light-keeper, 
 when you can on shore, as I am told, earn half- 
 a-crow T n and three shillings a day in making 
 leathern hose (leathern pipes so called) : whereas 
 the light-keeper's salary is but 25Z. a year, which 
 
78 JOE MILLER 
 
 is scarce ten shillings a week? " — " Every one 
 to his taste," replied Jacob, promptly. " I go 
 to be a light-keeper, because I don't like con- 
 finement." After this answer had produced its 
 share of merriment, Jacob explained himself by 
 saying, that he did not like to be confined to 
 work. — At first there were only two light-keoDers 
 stationed on this solitary pile ; but an incident of 
 a very extraordinary and distressing nature, 
 which occurred, shewed the necessity of an addi- 
 tional hand. One of the two keepers took ill, 
 and died. The dilemma in which this occurrence 
 left the survivor, was singularly painful. Ap- 
 prehensive that if he tumbled the dead body into 
 the sea, which was the only way in his power to 
 dispose of it, he might be charged with murder, 
 he was induced for some time to let the dead 
 body lie, in hopes that the attending boat might 
 be able to land, and relieve him from the distress 
 he was in. By degrees the body became so 
 putrid, that it was not in his pow T er to get 
 quit of it without help, for it w r as near a month 
 before the boat could effect a landing ; and then 
 it was not without the greatest difficulty that it 
 could be done when they did land. To such a 
 degree was the whole building filled with the 
 stench of the corpse, that it w r as all they could 
 do to get the dead body disposed of, and thrown 
 into the sea ; and it was some time after that, be- 
 fore the rooms could be freed from the offensive 
 stench that w r as left. What a situation for the 
 solitary survivor to have been left in ! what a 
 
JOE MILLER 79 
 
 price did he pay for an innocent reputation ! 
 The tale is a rival even to that of Mczcntius. 
 
 970. — Me. Palmer going home, after the 
 business of the theatre was concluded one even- 
 ing, saw a man lying on the ground, with another 
 on him beating him violently ; upon this he re- 
 monstrated with the uppermost, telling him his 
 conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his 
 opponent get up, and have an equal chance with 
 him. The fellow drolly turned up his face to 
 Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, " Faith, Sir, if 
 you had been at as much trouble to get him down 
 as I have, you would not be for letting him get 
 up so readily." 
 
 971. — A Sailor, who had been many years 
 absent from his mother, who lived in an inland 
 county, returned to his native village, after a 
 variety of voyages to different parts of the 
 globe, and was heartily welcomed by the good old 
 woman, who had long considered him as lost. 
 Soon after his arrival, the old lady became in- 
 quisitive, and desirous to learn what strange 
 things her son John had seen upon the mighty 
 deep. Amongst a variety of things that Jack 
 recollected, he mentioned his having frequently 
 seen flying fish. " Stop, Johnny," said his 
 mother, " don't try to impose such monstrous 
 impossibilities on me, child; for, in good troth, 
 I could as soon believe you had seen flying cows ; 
 for cows, you know, John, can live out of the 
 water. Therefore, tell me honestly what you 
 have seen in reality, but no more falsehoods, 
 
80 JOE MILLER 
 
 Johnny." — Jack felt himself affronted ; and 
 turning his quid about, when pressed for more 
 information, he said, prefacing it with an oath, 
 " Mayhap, mother, you won't believe me, when 
 I tell you, that casting anchor once in the Red 
 Sea, it was with difficulty that we hove it up 
 again ; which was occasioned, do you see, mother, 
 by a large wheel hanging on one of the flukes of 
 the anchor. It appeared a strange old Grecian 
 to look at, so we hoisted it in ; and our captain, 
 do ye mind me, being a scholar, overhauled him, 
 and discovered it was one of Pharaoh's chariot 
 wheels, when he was capsized in the Red Sea." 
 This suited the meridian of the old lady's under- 
 standing. " Ay, ay, Johnny," cried she, " I 
 can believe this, for we read of this in the Bible ; 
 but never talk to me again of flying fish." 
 
 972. — During the Riots of 1780, most per- 
 sons in London, in order to save their houses from 
 being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, 
 " No Popery! " Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mis- 
 takes, wrote on his, " No Religion! " 
 
 973. — The following strange but well-at- 
 tested occurrence, which actually took place 
 lately in the neighbourhood of Taunton, will re- 
 mind our readers of 
 
 " Him who took the Doctor's bill, 
 And swallowed it instead of the pill." 
 
 A man-servant in the employ of the Rev. Dr. 
 Palmer, of Yarcombe, being taken ill, the med- 
 ical attendant of the family was sent for, who 
 
JOE MILLER 81 
 
 prepared for the man a bolus from the family 
 medicine-chest, and having wrapped up in paper 
 the grain weights used in weighing out the 
 proper proportions of the drugs, left them on 
 the table, and near to them the bolus, which he 
 desired one of the females of the house to carry 
 to the man-servant, with instructions to take it 
 immediately in treacle. Some hours afterwards 
 his master came to inquire about the patient, and 
 found him suffering under very uneasy symp- 
 toms, which the man attributed to the strange 
 kind of medicine the doctor had ordered for him, 
 and which he said he " should never have got 
 through with, had he. not cut it into smaller 
 pieces," but " he thanked God, though it was 
 rather rough and sharpish, he had got it all 
 down." This account puzzled his master ex- 
 ceedingly, who, however, soon discovered that the 
 man had actually swallowed in treacle, a com- 
 plete set of brass grain weights, instead of the 
 bolus, which was found lying harmlessly on the 
 table in his master's room. Proper remedies were 
 immediately adopted for dislodging this uncom- 
 mon dose from the man's stomach, who subse- 
 quently recovered from his illness. 
 
 974. — A Lady, who made pretentions to the 
 most refined feelings, went to her butcher to re- 
 monstrate with him on his cruel practices. 
 " How," said she, " can you be so barbarous as 
 to put innocent little lambs to death ? " — " Why 
 not ! madam," said the butcher ; " you would not 
 eat them alive, would you? " 
 
82 JOE MILLER 
 
 975. — In the Great Dutch War, in the 
 reign of Charles II., the English fleet and that of 
 Holland fought in the channel for three days 
 successively, engaged in the day, and lying-to 
 at night ; but, just as they were preparing to re- 
 new the action, advice came off that an armistice 
 was concluded upon, and the hostile parties be- 
 gan to exchange mutual civilities. On board a 
 Dutch man of war, which lay alongside an Eng- 
 lish first-rate, was a sailor so remarkably ac- 
 tive, as to run to the mast-head, and stand up- 
 right upon the truck, after which he would cut 
 several capers, and conclude with standing upon 
 his head, to the great astonishment and terror of 
 the spectators. On coming down from this ex- 
 ploit, all his countrymen expressed their joy by 
 huzzaing, and thereby signifying their triumph 
 over the English. One of our bold tars, piqued 
 for the honour of his country, ran up to the top 
 like a cat, and essa} r ed, with all his might, to 
 throw up his heels like the Dutchman, but not 
 having the skill, he missed his poise, and came 
 down rather faster than he went up. The rig- 
 ging, however, broke his fall, and he lighted on 
 his feet unhurt. As soon as he had recovered his 
 speech, he ran to the side and exultingly cried out 
 to the Dutchman, " There, you lubber, do that 
 if you can." 
 
 976. — The following curious circumstance oc- 
 curred a few years ago, at a country village near 
 Horncastlc, in Lincolnshire. A boy, belonging 
 to a chimney-sweeper at Louth, taking his usual 
 
JOE MILLER 83 
 
 rounds in the country, called at a farm-house in 
 the above village, late in the evening; but it not 
 being convenient to employ him till the morning 
 following, the farmer informed him he might, 
 if he thought proper, sleep in his barn, which 
 he very readily agreed to. He accordingly made 
 himself a comfortable bed among the straw, and 
 went to rest. Some time in the night, he was 
 awakened by two men entering the barn with a 
 lanthorn and candle, and each of them a sack ; 
 he immediately supposing they were not about 
 their lawful business, lay still to watch their mo- 
 tions, when they began to consult how they might 
 place the light till they had filled their sacks from 
 the corn heap. Seeing they were at a loss how 
 to proceed, he crept softly from his couch, and 
 with an audible voice said, " Gentlemen, I'll hold 
 the candle." Turning round suddenly they be- 
 held the knight of the brush, in his sable dress, 
 and supposing him to be a messenger from the 
 infernal regions, threw down their sacks and 
 lanthorn, and immediately decamped. 
 
 977. — Some Time Ago, the Honourable Mr. 
 Charles Fox, having an old gaming debt to pay 
 to Sir John L., or rather, as he is familiarly 
 styled, Sir John Jehu ; finding himself in cash, 
 after a lucky run at the Pharo-Table, he sent a 
 card of compliments to Sir John, desiring to see 
 him, in order to discharge his demand. When 
 they met, Charles immediately produced the 
 money ; which Sir John no sooner saw than he 
 called for pen and ink, and very deliberately 
 
84 JOE MILLER 
 
 began to reckon up the interest. — " What are 
 you doing now? " cried Charles. — " Only cal- 
 culating what the interest amounts to ! " replied 
 the other. — " Are you so? " returned Charles, 
 coolly ; and, at the same time pocketing again 
 the cash, which he had already thrown on the 
 table — " Why, I thought, Sir John, that my 
 debt to you was a debt of honour; but, as you 
 seem to view it in another light, and mean seri- 
 ously to make a trading debt of it, I must in- 
 form you, that I make it an invariable rule, 
 tto pay my Jew-creditors last. You must, there- 
 fore, wait a little longer for your money, 
 Sir: and, when I meet my money-lending 
 Israelites, for the payment of principal and 
 interest, I shall most certainly think of Sir John 
 Jehu, and expect to have the honour of seeing 
 him in the company of my worthy friends from 
 Duke's Place ! " 
 
 978. — When Patrick Henry, who gave the 
 first impulse to the ball of the American revolu- 
 tion, introduced his celebrated resolution on the 
 stamp act into the House of Burgesses of Vir- 
 ginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descant- 
 ing on the tyranny of the obnoxious act, " Cassar 
 had his Brutus ; Charles the First his Cromwell ; 
 and George the Third "— " Treason ! " cried the 
 speaker ; " treason ! treason ! " echoed from 
 every part of the house. It was one of those try- 
 ing moments which are decisive of character. 
 Henry faltered not for an instant ; but rising to 
 a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an 
 
JOE MILLER 85 
 
 eye flashing with fire, continued, " may profit 
 by their example. If this be treason, make the 
 most of it." 
 
 1)79. — One of the Dover Stages, on its way 
 to London, was stopped by a single highwayman, 
 who was informed by the coachman there were no 
 inside pasengers, and only one in the basket, and 
 he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to 
 exercise his employment on the tar ; when waking 
 him out of his sleep Jack demanded what he 
 wanted; to which the son of plunder replied, 
 " Your money." — " You shan't have it," said 
 Jack. "No!" replied the robber: "then I'll 
 blow your brains out." — " Blow away then, you 
 land-lubber," cried Jack, squirting the tobacco- 
 juice out of his mouth, " I may as well go to 
 London without brains as without money: drive 
 on, cpachman." 
 
 980.— M. Otto, the French ambassador to 
 the British Court, displayed a most splendid il- 
 lumination at his house in Portland Place, on ac- 
 count of the signing of the definitive treaty of 
 peace betwixt Great Britain and France. Whilst 
 this illumination was in preparation, two Brit- 
 ish tars happened to pass his house ; when they 
 observed in a transparency the words " Peace 
 and Concord," which they read, Peace Conquered. 
 " They conquer Peace, a set of frog-eating lub- 
 bers," exclaimed one of the tars, and immediately 
 knocked at M. Otto's door, insisting to see that 
 gentleman. M. Otto made his appearance: the 
 enraged tars demanded the reason of his presum- 
 
86 JOE MILLER 
 
 ing to insult the British nation. M. Otto in vain 
 attempted to explain the meaning of the words. 
 But nothing would satisfy the gallant fellows ; 
 they peremptorily insisted on his removing the 
 obnoxious word " concord" which M. Otto, with 
 much politeness, promised to do, and actually 
 altered the sentiment to " Peace and Amity." 
 
 981. — Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter 
 Pindar, called one day upon a bookseller in 
 Paternoster-row, the publisher of his works, by 
 way of inquiring into the literary and other news 
 of the day. After some chat, the doctor was 
 asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of 
 his wit and poetry. Our author consented to ac- 
 cept of a little negus as an innocent morning 
 beverage ; when instantly was presented to him a 
 cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved 
 on it. " Eh ! eh ! " says the doctor, " what have 
 we here? " — " A man's skull," replied the book- 
 seller ; " a poet's for what I know." — " Nothing 
 more likely," rejoined the facetious doctor, " for 
 it is universally known that all you booksellers 
 drink your wine from our skulls." 
 
 982. — When Quin and Garrick performed 
 at the same theatre, and in the same pla}^, the 
 night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. 
 To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair 
 came up first. " Let me get into the chair," 
 cried the surly veteran, " let me get into the 
 chair, and put little Davy into the lantern." — 
 " Bv all means," said Garrick ; " I shall ever be 
 happj' to give Mr. Quin light in any thing." 
 
JOE MILLER 87 
 
 983. — When a late Duchess of Bedford was 
 last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, 
 it was the medical farce of the day, for the fac- 
 ulty to resolve every complaint of whim and 
 caprice into " a shock of the nervous system." 
 Her grace, after inquiring of many of her 
 friends in the rooms what brought them there, 
 and being generally answered for a nervous com- 
 plaint, was asked *in her turn, " What brought 
 her to Buxton? " — " I came only for pleasure," 
 answered the healthy duchess ; " for, thank God, 
 I was born before nerves came into fashion." 
 
 984. — One of the most flattering and ingeni- 
 ous compliments Frederick ever paid, was that 
 which he addressed to the celebrated General 
 Laudohn, at the time of his interview with the 
 emperor at the camp of Neiss. After they had 
 discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs 
 sat down to dinner, with the princes and general 
 officers in their train. Marshal Laudohn, who 
 had been invited among the rest, was about to 
 seat himself at the bottom of the table, but the 
 king made him come and sit by him, saying, 
 " Come here, General Laudohn ; I have always 
 wished to see you on my side, instead of facing 
 me." 
 
 985. — George III., having purchased a horse, 
 the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of 
 paper, completely written over. " What's 
 this? " said his majesty. " The pedigree of the 
 horse, sire, which you have just bought," was 
 the answer. " Take it back, take it back," said 
 
88 JOE MILLER 
 
 the king laughing ; " it will do very well for the 
 next horse you sell." 
 
 986. — A French Officer quarrelling with a 
 Swiss, reproached him with his country's vice, 
 of fighting on either side for money, while we 
 " Frenchmen," said he, " fight for honour.'" — 
 " Yes, Sir," replied the Swiss, " every one fights 
 for that which he most wants." 
 
 987. — When the Late Mr. Windham, the 
 war minister, was upon a trip to the continent, 
 he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very 
 eager in his inquiries as to the doctrines and dis- 
 cipline of the church of England, to which he 
 received satisfactory answers ; those, however, 
 were succeeded by others of a more difficult na- 
 ture, particularly as to the manner in which some 
 English preachers manufacture their sermons. 
 Upon Mr. Windham's confessing his ignorance 
 of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of dis- 
 appointment, exclaimed, " Why then I find, Sir, 
 after all the conversation we have had, that I 
 have been deceived as to your profession. They 
 told me you were an English minister" 
 
 988. — Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, trav- 
 elled in his younger days, with the Earl of Salis- 
 bury, to whom he was indebted for a consider- 
 able living in Hertfordshire. One day at the 
 levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long 
 he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury. 
 Upon Ins answering him how long, — " Why," 
 said the king, "you staid there long enough; 
 how is it you did not convert the pope? " — " Be- 
 
JOE MILLER 89 
 
 cause, Sir," replied the doctor, " I had nothing 
 better to offer him." 
 
 989.— In the Year 1818, as the Duke of 
 Wellington was on a sporting visit at the scat 
 of the Marquis of Salisbury, Hatfield, he met 
 with the following curious adventure: — A far- 
 mer, who had been much annoyed by the hunters 
 riding across his corn, directed his shepherd to 
 stake up and make fast all his gates that adjoin 
 the roads. It so happened that the duke rode up 
 to one of these gates which the shepherd was 
 lolling over, and who was directed by the duke to 
 open the gate for him. The shepherd refused 
 compliance, and told him to go round, for he 
 should not ride over his master's corn. The duke 
 therefore rode off. When the man went home, 
 his master inquired of him if he had stopped the 
 hunters? " Aye, master," quoth the shepherd, 
 " that I hare — and not only them, but that 
 soldier man that Buonaparte could not stop! " 
 The farmer took an early opportunity of apol- 
 ogizing to Lady Salisbury for the rudeness of 
 his servant, and stated that had he been aware 
 that the noble duke was to have been out that 
 day his gates should not have been fastened, and 
 at the same time mentioned what his man had 
 said, which on being related to the duke, caused, 
 as may be expected, a hearty laugh. 
 
 990. — When Rabelais was on his death-bed, 
 a consultation of physicians was called. " Dear 
 gentlemen," said the wit to the doctors, raising 
 his languid head, " let me die a natural death." 
 
90 JOE MILLER 
 
 991. — Dr. Busby, whoso figure was beneath 
 the common size, was one day accosted in a pub- 
 lic coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal 
 stature, with, " May I pass to my seat, O 
 Giant? " When the doctor, politely making 
 way, replied, " Pass, O Pigmy ! "— " Oh ! Sir," 
 said the baronet, " my expression alluded to the 
 size of your intellect." — " And my expression, 
 Sir," said the doctor, " to the size of yours." 
 
 992. — An Apothecary, who used to value 
 himself on his knowledge of drugs, asserted that 
 all bitter things w T ere hot. — " No," said a gentle- 
 man present, " there is one of a very different 
 quality; a bitter cold day." 
 
 993. — At Brighton, in October, 1795, Sir 
 John Lade, for a trifling wager, undertook to 
 carry Lord Cholmondeley on his back, from op- 
 posite to the Pavilion, twice round the Steyne. 
 Several ladies attended as spectators of this ex- 
 traordinary feat of the dwarf carrying the giant. 
 When his lordship declared himself ready, Sir 
 John desired him to strip. " Strip ! " exclaimed 
 the other, " why surely you proposed to carry 
 me in my clothes." — " By no means," replied the 
 Baronet ; " I engaged to carry you, but not an 
 inch of clothes ! so therefore, my lord, mak'^ 
 ready, and let us not disappoint the ladies." 
 After much laughable altercation, it was at 
 length decided, that Sir John had won his wager, 
 the peer having declined to exhibit in puris na- 
 turalibus. 
 
 994. — After a loud preface of " O yes," pro- 
 
JOE MILLER 91 
 
 nou need most audibly three times, in the High 
 Street at Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymorc, 
 having collected a number of persons together, 
 made the following general proposal to the 
 gapers; — " Who wants to buy a horse that can 
 walk five miles an hour, trot eighteen, and gallop 
 twenty." — " I do," said a gentleman, with mani- 
 fest eagerness. — " Then," replied Lord Barry- 
 more, " if I sec any such animal to be sold, I will 
 be sure to let you know." 
 
 995. — The Duke of Longuevikle's Reply, 
 when it was observed to him that the gentlemen 
 bordering on his estates were continually hunting 
 upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, 
 is worthy of imitation : " I had much rather," 
 answered the duke, " have friends than hares." 
 
 996. — The Great Prince de Conde passing 
 through the city of Sens, which belonged to Bur- 
 gundy, of which he was governor, took great 
 pleasure in disconcerting the different companies 
 who came to compliment him. The Abbe Boi- 
 leau, dean of the cathedral, brother of the poet, 
 was commissioned to make a speech to the prince 
 at the head of the chapter. Conde wishing to dis- 
 compose the orator, advanced his head and long 
 nose towards the dean, as if with the intention of 
 hearing the better, but in reality to make him 
 blunder, if he possibly could. The abbe, who 
 perceived his design, pretending to be greatly 
 embarrassed, began his speech thus : " My lord, 
 your highness ought not to be surprised to see 
 me tremble when I appear before you; at the 
 
92 JOE MILLER 
 
 head of an army of 30,000 men, I should tremble 
 much more." The prince was so much charmed 
 with this compliment, that he embraced the orator 
 without suffering him to proceed. He asked his 
 name, and when he found that he was the brother 
 to M. Despreaux, he invited him to dinner. 
 
 997. — None fight with true spirit who are 
 overloaded with cash. A man \\ ho had been for- 
 tunate at cards was asked to act as a second in 
 a duel, at a time when the seconds engaged as 
 heartily as the principals. " I am not," said he, 
 " the man for your purpose just at present; but 
 go and apply to him from whom I won a thou- 
 sand guineas last night, and I warrant you that 
 he will fight like any. devil." 
 
 998. — An under officer of the customs at the 
 port of Liverpool, running headlessly along the 
 ship's gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and 
 was drowned: being soon after taken up, the 
 coroner's jury was summoned to sit upon the 
 body: one of the jurymen, returning home, was 
 called to by an alderman of the town, and asked 
 what verdict they brought in, and whether they 
 found it felo de se! " Aye, aye," says the jury- 
 man, shaking his noddle, " he fell into the sea 
 sure enough." 
 
 999. — Sir John Trevor, who for some mis- 
 demeanor had been expelled the house of com- 
 mons, one day meeting with archbishop Tillot- 
 son, cried out, " I hate to see an atheist in the 
 shape of a churchman." — "And I," replied the 
 good bishop, " hate to see a knave in any shape." 
 
JOE MILLER 93 
 
 1000. — When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian 
 judge, was on his passage home, as he was one 
 day walking the deck, it having blowed pretty 
 hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by 
 the side of the ship. Having never seen such 
 an object before, he called to one of the sailorr. 
 to tell him what it was. " Why," replied the 
 tar, " I don't know what name they know them 
 by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers." 
 
 1001. — A Gentleman observed one day to 
 Mr. Henry Erskinc, who was a great punster, 
 that punning is the lowest sort of wit. " It is 
 so," answered he, " and therefore the foundation 
 of all wit." 
 
 1002. — Alcibiades finding his irregularities 
 became the general topic of conversation at 
 Athens, and having a very fine dog, which he had 
 given a large sum of money for, he cut off his 
 tail, which was reckoned a great ornament. His 
 friends told him the whole city blamed him for so 
 foolish an action, %nd talked of nothing else. 
 " That is what I meant," said he : "I had rather 
 they should talk of my dog's tail, than scrutinize 
 my conduct." 
 
 1003. — A Finished Coquette at a ball asked 
 a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her 
 tucker, whether he could -flirt a fan, which she 
 held in her hand. " No, madam," answered he, 
 proceeding to use it, " but I can fan a flirt " 
 
 1004*. — The Late Duke of Richmond had 
 some capital hunters in Sussex. A monkey that 
 
94 JOE MILLER 
 
 was kept in the stable, was remarkably fond of 
 riding the horses ; skipping from one to the 
 other, and teasing the poor animals incessantly. 
 The groom made a complaint to the duke, who 
 immediately formed a plan to remedy the evil. 
 " If he is so fond of riding," said his grace, 
 " we'll endeavour to give him enough of it." A 
 complete jockey dress was provided for the mon- 
 key; and the next time the hounds went out, 
 Jacko in his uniform was strapped to the back 
 of one of the best hunters. The view halloo being 
 given, away they went, through thick and thin : 
 the horse carrying so light a weight, presently 
 left all the company behind. Some of the party 
 passing by a farm-house, inquired of a country- 
 man whether he had seen the fox. " Aye, zure," 
 said the man, " he be gone over yon fallow." — 
 "And was there anyone up with him?" — 
 " Whoy, yes," said John, " there be a little man 
 in a yellow jacket, riding as though the Devil 
 be in 'urn. I hope from n^y heart the young 
 gentleman mayn't meet with a fall, but he rides 
 monstrous hard." 
 
 1005. — A Master of Arts being reduced to 
 extreme poverty, begged some relief of a lock- 
 smith, who was at work in his shop ; the smith 
 asked him, why he had not learned some art to 
 get his bread by, rather than thus to go about 
 begging. " Alas ! " replied the scholar, " I am 
 a master of seven." — " Of seven ! " replied the 
 locksmith, " they must be sorry ones indeed, 
 then, since they are not able to keep you; for 
 
JOE MILLER 95 
 
 my part, I have only one, as you see, which main- 
 tains seven of us ; myself, my wife, and five 
 children." 
 
 1006. — A Chimney-sweep, having descended 
 a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance 
 in a room where two men, one named Butler and 
 the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a 
 pot of beer. " How now," cried the former, 
 " what news from the other world? " The 
 sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting 
 the persons, very smartly replied, " I came to 
 inform you, that we are very much in w T ant of 
 a Butler and Cook." 
 
 1007. — An Italian Bishop had struggled 
 through great difficulties without repining. An 
 acquaintance of his asked him one day if he could 
 communicate to him the secret he had made use 
 of to be always easy. " Yes," replied the prel- 
 ate, " very easily. It consists of nothing more 
 than making a right use of my eyes in whatever 
 state I am. I first look up to heaven, and re- 
 member that my principal business here is to 
 get thither; I then look down upon the earth, 
 and call to mind how small a space I shall occupy 
 in it when I come to be interred. Then I look 
 abroad into the world, and observe what multi- 
 tudes there are, who, in all respects, are more 
 unhappy than myself. Thus I learn where true 
 happiness is placed; where all my cares must 
 end; and how r little reason I have to repine or 
 complain." 
 
96 JOE MILLER 
 
 1008. — A Lunatic in Bedlam was asked how 
 lie came there? he answered " By a dispute." 
 — "What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, 
 " The world said I was mad ; I said the world 
 was mad, and they outwitted me." 
 
 1009. — A Notorious Thief, being to be tried 
 for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged 
 with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to 
 find him guilty upon his own confession. The 
 jury having laid their heads together brought 
 him in not guilty. The judge bid them con- 
 sider of it again ; but still they brought in their 
 verdict not guilty. The judge asked the reason? 
 The foreman replied, " There is reason enough, 
 for we all know him to be one of the greatest 
 liars in the world." 
 
 1010. — A Notorious Culprit, who suffered 
 some years since at Salisbury, and the last of 
 three brothers who had been executed for similar 
 offences, after sentence was passed, said, " My 
 lord, I humbly thank you." His lordship aston- 
 ished, asked him for what? " Because, my lord, 
 I thought I should have been hung in chains, 
 which would have been a disgrace to the family." 
 
 1011. — A Young Fellow once came danc- 
 ing, whistling, and singing into a room where old 
 Colley Gibber sat coughing and spitting; and, 
 cutting a caper, triumphantly exclaimed, 
 " There, you old put, what would you give to be 
 as young as I am? " — " Why, young man," re- 
 plied he, " I would agree to be almost as foolish." 
 
JOE MILLER 97 
 
 1012. — A Gentleman who was dining with 
 another, praised very much the meat, and asked 
 who was the butcher? " " His name is Addison." 
 — " Addison ! " echoed the guest, " pray is he 
 any relation to the poet? " — " In all probability 
 he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) 
 by his side." 
 
 1013. — Swift having paid a visit at Sir 
 Arthur Achcson's country scat, and being, on 
 the morning of his return to his deanery, de- 
 tained a few minutes longer than he expected at 
 his breakfast, found, when he came to the door, 
 his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir 
 Arthur's holding the horse he was to ride him- 
 self. He mounted, turned the head of his horse 
 towards his own man, and asked him in a low 
 voice if he did not think he should give something 
 to the servant who held his horse, and if he 
 thought {\\q shillings would be too much ; " No, 
 Sir, it will not, if you mean to do the thing hand- 
 somely," was the reply. The dean made no re- 
 mark upon this, but when he paid his man's 
 weekly account, wrote under it, " Deducted from 
 this, for money paid to Sir Arthur's servant for 
 doing your business, five shillings." 
 
 1014. — Mr. Bensley, before he went on the 
 stage, was an officer in the army. Meeting one 
 day a Scotchman, who had been in the same regi- 
 ment, the latter was very happy to see his old 
 brother officer, but being ashamed to be seen in 
 the street with a player, he hurried him into an 
 obscure coffee-house, where he began to remon- 
 
98 JOE MILLER 
 
 strate with him on his thus disgracing the hon- 
 ourable profession to which he had belonged. 
 " But," added he, " what do you make by this 
 new business of yours? " Mr. Bensley said, 
 " From seven hundred to a thousand a year." — 
 " A thousand a year ! " exclaimed the Northern, 
 " hae ye ony vacancies in your corps ? " 
 
 1015. — A Common-councilman was hoaxed 
 into an opinion, that, as a representative of the 
 citizens, he was entitled to ride through the turn- 
 pikes free, of expense. He next day mounted 
 i his nag, to ascertain his civic privileges ; and 
 asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile- 
 end-road, if, as a common-councilman, he had 
 not a right to pass without paying? " Yes." 
 replied the turnpike man, archly, " you may 
 pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse." 
 
 1016. — Dr. Gregory, professor of physic at 
 Edinburgh, was one of the first to enroll him- 
 self in the Royal Edinburgh Volunteers, when 
 that corps was raised. So anxious was he to 
 make himself master of military tactics, that he 
 not only paid the most punctual attendance on 
 all the regimental field-days, but studied at home 
 for several hours a day, under the sergeant- 
 major of the regiment. On one of these occa- 
 sions, the officer, out of all temper at the awk- 
 wardness of his learned pupil, exclaimed in a 
 rage, " Sir, I would rather teach ten fools than 
 one philosopher." 
 
 1017. — There Was a Lady of the west coun- 
 
JOE MILLER 99 
 
 try that gave a great entertainment at her house 
 to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, 
 and among others Sir Walter Raleigh. This 
 lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a 
 notable good housewife; and in the morning be- 
 times she called to one of her maids that looked 
 to the swine, and asked, " Are the pigs served? " 
 Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was close to the 
 lady's. A little before dinner the lady came 
 down in great state into the great chamber, which 
 was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter 
 cast his eyes on her, " Madam," said he, " are 
 the pigs served? " The lady answered, " You 
 know best whether you have had your break- 
 fast." 
 
 1018. — Joseph II., Emperor of Germany, 
 travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, 
 attended by only a single aid-de-camp, arrived 
 very late at the house of an Englishman, who 
 kept an inn in the Netherlands. It being fair 
 time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ig- 
 norant of his guests' quality, appointed them to 
 sleep in an out-house, which they readily com- 
 plied with ; and after eating a few slices of ham 
 and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning 
 paid their bill, which amounted to only three 
 shillings and sixpence English, and rode off. A 
 few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming 
 to inquire after him, and the publican under- 
 standing the rank of his guest, appeared very 
 uneasy. " Psha ! psha ! man," said one of the 
 attendants, " Joseph is accustomed to such ad- 
 
100 JOE MILLER 
 
 ventures, and will think no more of it." — " But 
 I shall," replied the landlord ; " for I can never 
 forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself 
 neither, for having had an emperor in my house, 
 and letting him off for three and sixpence." 
 
 1019. — On the Scotch Circuits, the judges 
 give dinners, having an allowance for that pur- 
 pose. The great Lord Karnes was extremely 
 parsimonious ; and at a circuit dinner at Perth 
 did not allow claret, as had been the custom. The 
 conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy's fleet, 
 which was then blockaded by the French; and 
 one of the company asked, what had become of 
 our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered, " They 
 are like us, confined to Port." 
 
 1020. — Some Years Ago, sa}^s Richardson, 
 in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came 
 to me to invite me to his house : " I have," says 
 he, " a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good 
 one. There is little H. the other day came to 
 see it, and says it is a copy. If anyone says so 
 again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richard- 
 son, will you do me the favour to come, and give 
 me your real opinion of it? " 
 
 1021. — When Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, 
 was preparing for an expedition he had long 
 meditated against the Romans, Cyneas, one of 
 his chief favourites, asked him what he proposed 
 to himself by this war? " To conquer the Ro- 
 mans, and reduce all Italy to obedience," was 
 the reply. " What then? " asked Cyneas. " To 
 
JOE MILLER 101 
 
 pass over into Sicily," answered Pyrrhus, " and 
 then all the Sicilians must he our subjects." — 
 " And what does your majesty intend next? " — 
 " Why, truly," replied the king, " to conquer 
 Carthage, and make myself master of all Af- 
 rica." — " And what, Sir," said the minister, " is 
 to be the end of all your expeditions? " — " Why 
 then," answered the monarch, " for the rest of 
 our lives we'll sit down to good wine." — " How, 
 Sir," said Cyneas, " can we sit down to better 
 wine than we have now before us? Have we not 
 already as much as we can drink ? " 
 
 1022. — M. Lalande, the French astronomer, 
 during the whole time of the Revolution, con- 
 fined himself to the study of that science. When 
 he found that he had escaped the fury of Robe- 
 spierre, he jocosely said, " I may thank my stars 
 for it." 
 
 1023. — After Dr. Johnson had been hon- 
 oured with an interview' with the king, in the 
 queen's library at Buckingham-house, he was 
 interrogated by a friend concerning his recep- 
 tion, and his opinion of the royal intellect. " His 
 majesty," replied the doctor, " seems to be pos- 
 sessed of much good-nature and much curiosity, 
 and is far from contemptible. His majesty, in- 
 deed, was multifarious in his questions, but he 
 ansxeered them all himself." 
 
 1024*. — The Bard of Twickenham, though 
 very short and deformed, was nevertheless verv 
 partial to his person. One day he asked Dean 
 
102 JOE MILLER 
 
 Swift what people in Ireland thought of him. 
 " They think," says the dean, " that you are a 
 great poet and a very little man." Pope ex- 
 claimed passionately, " And, Mr. Dean, the peo- 
 ple in England think quite the reverse of you." 
 1025. — Weston, the Actor, having bor- 
 rowed, on note, the sum of five pounds, and fail- 
 ing in payment, the gentleman who had lent the 
 money took occasion to talk of it in a public cof- 
 fee-house, which caused Weston to send him a 
 challenge. When in the field, the gentleman 
 being a little tender in point of courage, offered 
 him the note to make it up ; to which our hero 
 readily consented, and had the note delivered. 
 " But now," said the gentleman, " if we should 
 return without fighting, our companions will 
 laugh at us ; therefore let us give one another 
 a slight scratch, and say we wounded each 
 other." — " With all my heart," says Weston ; 
 " come, I'll wound you first : " so, drawing his 
 sword, he thrust it through the fleshy part of 
 his arm till he brought the tears into his eyes. 
 Tin's being done, and the wound tied up with a 
 handkerchief — " Come," said the gentleman, 
 " where shall I wound you? " Weston, putting 
 himself in a posture of defence, replied, " Where 
 you can, Sir." 
 
 1026. — The Celebrated Daniel Burgess, 
 dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a 
 large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to 
 table. "Where si vail I cut it?" asked Daniel. 
 " Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess," answered 
 
JOE MILLER 103 
 
 the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it 
 to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his 
 house, and lie would cut it at home. 
 
 1027. — " How does your new-purchased horse 
 answer? " said the late Duke of Cumberland to 
 George Sclwyn. " I really don't know," re- 
 plied George, " for I never asked him a ques- 
 tion." 
 
 1028. — A Quaker having a horse to sell, took 
 him to St. Luke's fair, at Newcastle. A cus- 
 tomer soon appeared, who, being pleased with 
 the appearance of the animal, asked " if he would 
 draw well ? " to which question the owner replied 
 with a shrug, " Ah, friend, let him alone for 
 that." The buyer taking him in the wrong 
 sense, purchased the horse without any more in- 
 quiries. But upon trial the horse would not 
 stretch a trace ; on which the buyer went in a vio- 
 lent passion to upbraid the seller, who very coolly 
 answered : " Friend, did I not tell thee to let 
 him alone for that ; " which was all the satisfac- 
 tion he could get. 
 
 1029. — Dr. Fuller, the author of the 
 Worthies of England, and other works, had a 
 prodigious memory, insomuch that he could name 
 in order the signs on both sides the way from the 
 beginning of Paternoster-row at Ave Maria- 
 lane to the bottom of Cheapside, where the Man- 
 sion-house now stands. This, considering that 
 in his time every shop had a particular sign, was 
 very surprising. He could also dictate to five 
 
104 JOE MILLER 
 
 several amanuenses at the same time, and each 
 on a different subject. The doctor making a 
 visit to the committee of sequestrators sitting at 
 Waltham, in Essex, they soon fell into a dis- 
 course and commendation of his great memory ; 
 to which he replied : " 'Tis true, gentlemen, that 
 fame has given me the report of a memorist, and, 
 if you please, I will give you an experiment of 
 it." They all accepted the motion, and told 
 him they should look upon it as an obligation, 
 praying him to begin. " Gentlemen," says he, 
 " I will give you an instance of my memory in 
 the particular business in which you are em- 
 ployed. Your worships have thought fit to se- 
 quester an honest but poor cavalier parson, my 
 neighbour, from his living, and committed him to 
 prison : he has a large family of children, and 
 his circumstances are but indifferent ; if you will 
 please to release him out of prison, and restore 
 him to his living, I will never forget the kindness 
 while I live." This good-natured jest wrought 
 so effectually upon the committee, that, though 
 they were not over-gifted with wit or humanity, 
 they immediately released and restored the poor 
 clergyman. 
 
 1030.— The Late Colonel O'Keley, well 
 known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a 
 Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable 
 wager to a gentleman who, it seems, had no 
 knowledge of him; the stranger, suspecting the 
 challenge came from one of the black-legged 
 fraternity, begged to know what security he 
 
JOE MILLER 105 
 
 would give for so large a sum if he should lose, 
 and where his estates lay. — " O ! by Jasus, my 
 dear crater, I have the map of them about me, 
 and here it is sure enough," said O'Kelly, pull- 
 ing out a pocket-book, and producing bank- 
 notes to a considerable amount. 
 
 1031. — Dueing the Rebellion in 1745, 
 George II. entered the council-chamber while 
 they were sitting, and requested to know what 
 was the subject of their deliberations; and on 
 being told that they were consulting how to pro- 
 vide for the safety of his majesty's person and 
 government — " Aye, is it so? " replied the mon- 
 arch, laying his hand upon the hilt of his sword; 
 " My lords and gentlemen take care of your- 
 selves ; but for me, it is my determination to live 
 and die King of England." 
 
 1032. — After a successful attack on the 
 royal party in 1745, a Highlander gained a 
 watch as his share of the plunder. Unac- 
 quainted with its use, he listened with equal sur- 
 prise and pleasure to the ticking sound with 
 which his new acquisition amused him ; after a 
 few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise 
 ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the 
 toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to 
 conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and 
 to dispose of it to the first person who should 
 offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met 
 with a customer, but at parting he could not 
 help exclaiming, " Why, she died last night." 
 
106 JOE MILLER 
 
 1033. — When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of 
 Pennsylvania, and the most considerable man 
 among the Quakers, went to court to pay his re- 
 spects to Charles II., that merry monarch, ob- 
 serving the Quaker not to lower his beaver, took 
 off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, 
 who said, " Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy 
 hat." — " No," says the king, " friend Penn, it 
 is usual for only one man to stand covered here." 
 
 1034. — The Late Bishop of Worcester, 
 Dr. Hough, was remarkable for sweetness of tem- 
 per, as well as every other christian virtue ; of 
 which the following story affords a proof. A 
 young gentleman, whose family had been well 
 acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour 
 of England before he went abroad, called to pay 
 his respects to his lordship as he passed by his 
 seat in the country. It happened to be at din- 
 ner time, and the room full of company. The 
 bishop, however, received him with much famil- 
 iarity ; but the servant in reaching him a chair, 
 threw down a curious weather glass that had 
 cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentle- 
 man was under infinite concern, and began to 
 make an apology for being himself the occasion 
 of the accident, when the bishop with great good 
 nature interrupted him. " Be under no con- 
 cern, Sir," said his lordship, smiling, " for I am 
 much beholden to you for it. We have had a 
 very dry season ; and now I hope we shall have 
 rain. I never saw the glass so low in my life." 
 Everyone was pleased with the humour and pleas- 
 
JOE MILLER 107 
 
 antry of the turn ; and the more so, as his lord- 
 ship was then more than eighty, a time of life 
 when the infirmities of old age make most men 
 peevish and hasty. 
 
 10f35. — A Person had been relating many 
 incredible stories, when Professor Engel, who 
 was present, in order to repress his impertinence, 
 said, " But, gentlemen, all this amounts to but 
 very little, when I can assure you that the cele- 
 brated organist, Abbe Vogler, once imitated a 
 thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all 
 the milk turned sour." 
 
 1036. — In the Reign of King William, 
 Oliver Cromwell, grandson of the Protector 
 Cromwell, found it necessary, on some occasion 
 or other, to present a petition to parliament. He 
 gave his petition to a friend, a member, who took 
 it to the House of Commons to present it. Just 
 as this gentleman was entering the house, with 
 the petition in his hand, Sir Edward Seymour, 
 a famous old royalist member, was also going 
 in. On the sight of Sir Edward the gentleman 
 immediately conceived the idea of making the 
 surly, sour old Tory carry up the petition for 
 Oliver Cromwell. " Sir Edward," said he, stop- 
 ping him on the instant, " will you do me a fa- 
 vour? I this moment recollect that I must im- 
 mediately attend a trial at Westminster Hall, 
 which may detain me too late to give in this pe- 
 tition this morning, as I promised to do. 'Tis 
 a mere matter of form ; will you be so good as 
 carry it up for me 1 " — " Give it me," said Sir 
 
108 JOE MILLER 
 
 Edward. The petition went directly into his 
 pocket, and he into the house. When a proper 
 opportunity occurred for presenting it, Sir Ed- 
 ward rose, and putting his spectacles on, began 
 to read, " the humble petition of — of — of — of 
 the devil ! Oliver Cromwell ! ! ! " The roar of 
 laughter in the house, at seeing the old knight 
 so fairty taken in, w T as too great for him to stand. 
 Dashing the petition from him in great rage, 
 he rushed out of the house. 
 
 1037. — Phillip, Earl Stanhope, whose 
 dress always corresponded with the simplicity of 
 his manners, was once prevented from going into 
 the House of Peers by a doorkeeper who was un- 
 acquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope 
 was resolved to get into the house without ex- 
 plaining who he was ; and the doorkeeper, equalty 
 determined on his part, said to him, " Honest 
 man, you have no business here. Honest man, 
 you can have no business in this place." — " I 
 believe," rejoined his lordship, " you. are right, 
 honest men have no business here." 
 
 1038. — When the Late King of Denmark 
 was in England, he very frequently honoured 
 Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though 
 the knight spoke French in a very imperfect 
 manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge 
 of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in 
 company with the late Lord Chesterfield, and 
 boasted much of his intimacy with the king, and 
 added, that he believed the monarch had a 
 greater friendship for him than any man in 
 
JOE MILLER 109 
 
 England, — " Good God," exclaimed Lord Ches- 
 terfield, " how reports will lie! I heard no later 
 than this day, that you never met but a great 
 deal of bad language passed between you." 
 
 1039. — Beauijeu was one day visited by a 
 noble and unprofessional person, who reproached 
 him with not having returned his first visit. 
 " You and I," said the satirist, " are upon dif- 
 ernt terms. I lose my time when I pay a visit ; 
 you only get rid of yours when you do so." 
 
 1040. — An Alderman of London once re- 
 quested an author to write a speech for him to 
 deliver at Guildhall, — " I must first dine with 
 you," replied he, " and see how you open your 
 mouth, that I may know what sort of words will 
 fill it." 
 
 1041. — A Barrister entered the hall with his 
 wig very much awry, of which he was not at all 
 apprized, but was obliged to endure from almost 
 every observer some remark on its appearance, 
 till at last adressing himself to Mr. Curran, he 
 asked him, " Do you see anything ridiculous in 
 this w T ig? " The answer instantly was, " Noth- 
 ing but the head." 
 
 1042. — Among the Discoveries of the 
 learned which have amused mankind, the follow 
 ing instance merits a conspicuous rank: — Some 
 years ago there were several large elm trees in 
 the college garden, behind the ecclesiastical 
 court, Doctors' Commons, in which a number of 
 rooks had taken up their abode, forming in ap- 
 
110 JOE MILLER 
 
 pearance, a sort of convocation of aerial eccle- 
 siastics. A young gentleman, who lodged in an 
 attic, and was their close neighbour, frequently 
 entertained himself with thinning this covey of 
 black game by means of a cross-bow. On the 
 opposite side lived a curious old civilian, who, 
 observing from his study that the rooks- often 
 dropt senseless from their perch, no sign being 
 made to his vision to account for the phenom- 
 enon, set his wits to work to consider the cause. 
 It was probably during a profitless time of peace, 
 and the doctor, having plenty of leisure, weighed 
 the matter over and over, till he was at length 
 satisfied that he had made a great ornithological 
 discovery. He actually wrote a treatise, stating 
 circumstantially what he himself had seen, and 
 in conclusion giving it as the settled conviction 
 of his mind, that rooks were subject to epilepsy. 
 
 1043. — A Lady, after performing, with the 
 most brilliant execution, a sonato on the piano- 
 forte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to 
 the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him 
 if he was fond of music? — " No, madam," re- 
 plied the doctor ; " but of all noises, I think 
 music is the least disagreeable." 
 
 1044. — Boswekl dining one day with Dr. 
 Johnson, asked him if he did not think that a 
 good cook was more essential to the community 
 than a good poet. " I don't suppose," said the 
 Dr., " that there's a dog in the town but what 
 thinks so." 
 
JOE MILLER 111 
 
 1045. — A Najjob, in a severe fit of the gout, 
 told his physician that he suffered the pains of 
 the damned. The doctor coolly answered, 
 " What, already." 
 
 1046. — A Surgeon aboard a ship of war used 
 to prescribe salt-water for his patients in all dis- 
 orders. Having sailed one evening on a part}^ 
 of pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to 
 be drowned. The captain, who had not heard 
 of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day 
 if he had heard anything of the doctor. — " Yes," 
 answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, " he 
 was drowned last night in his medicine chest." 
 
 1047.-^— At the time when Queen Elizabeth 
 was making one of her progresses through the 
 kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a 
 large cavalcade, went out to meet her majesty, 
 and usher her into the city with due formality. 
 On their return they passed through a wide 
 brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse several times at- 
 tempted to drink, and each time his w T orship 
 checked him; which the queen observing, called 
 out to him, " Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink, 
 Mr. Mayor ; " but the magistrate, bowing very 
 low, modestly answered, " Nay, nay, ma} T it 
 please your majcst3 r 's horse to drink first." 
 
 1048. — As the Late Chevalier Taylor was 
 once enumerating, in company, the great hon- 
 ours which he had received from the different 
 princes of Europe, and the orders with which 
 he had been dignified by numerous sovereigns, 
 
112 JOE MILLER 
 
 a gentleman present took occasion to remark, 
 that he had not named the king of Prussia ; add- 
 ing — " I suppose, Sir, that monarch never gave 
 you any order! " — " You are quite mistaken, 
 Sir," replied the Chevalier ; " for, I can most 
 positively assure you, that he gave me a very 
 peremptory order — to quit his dominions." 
 
 1049. — One of the officers of a marching 
 regiment, Captain B., who was quartered in the 
 neighbourhood, was amusing himself by shooting 
 upon the lands of Lord M. ; and as it was then a 
 privilege extended without ceremony to all offi- 
 cers, he had not asked permission of the noble 
 lord. His lordship, however, saw the intruder 
 from his drawing-room window, summoned his 
 gamekeeper, and directed him to go instantly 
 and shoot the stranger's two dogs. The man 
 knew the character of his master, and, from his 
 tone and manner, saw that his command must be 
 obeyed. He rode off to the spot, addressed the 
 sportsman, apologized, but said he dared not go 
 back to his lordship with his orders disobeyed. 
 Captain B. expostulated, but at length, pointing 
 to one of his dogs, requested as a favour, that 
 the gamekeeper would kill that one first. The 
 shot was fired, and the poor dog fell. Captain 
 B., who carried a double-barrelled gun, instantly 
 advanced, and coolly discharged hi i piece 
 through the head of the gamekeeper's horse. 
 " Now," said he, addressing the fellow, who was 
 all astonishment and terror, " that is horse for 
 dog — fire again, and it shall be man for dog." 
 
JOE MILLER 113 
 
 The invitation was of course declined. " And 
 now," he continued, " go back to your rascally 
 master, describe what you have seen, give him 
 this card, and tell him, that wherever I can find 
 him, in country or in town, I will horsewhip him 
 from that spot to the threshold of his own door." 
 The noble lord was early the next morning on 
 his way to London, and did not return to his 
 country residence until Captain B.'s regiment 
 had been ordered to a distant part of the king- 
 dom. 
 
 1050. — One of the Check-takers (an 
 Irishman) at the Zoological Society's Garden, 
 mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited 
 the garden incog, on a particular day. " Why," 
 said the person he was informing, " it is odd we 
 never heard of it ! " — " Oh, not at all, at all," re- 
 joined Pat: " for she didn't come like a queen; 
 but clane and dacent like another lady ! " 
 
 1051. — A Gentleman, while sojourning at 
 one of the towns in Virginia, encountered in the 
 street a stout double-lunged negro, who was 
 ringing a hand-bell most manfully. After la- 
 bouring at it some time the fellow made a dead 
 halt, and bellowed out something to the following 
 effect : — " Sale dis nite — frying-pans — grid- 
 irons — book — oyster-knives, and odder kinds of 
 medicines — Joe Williams will hab some fresh 
 oysters at his 'stablishment — by tickler desire, 
 Mr. Hewlett will gib imitations ober again — two 
 or three dozen damaged discussion gun-locks — 
 and Rev. Air. P. will deliber a sarmont on tern- 
 
114 JOE MILLER 
 
 pcrance, half-past six o'clock percise ; — dat's not 
 all ! — widout money or price — de great bull 
 
 Philip will be statint at Squire S 's — and 
 
 dat's not all nudder ! — dare will be a perlite and 
 coloured ball at Mrs. Johnson's jus arter dis is 
 bin done." 
 
 1052. — At a Late Court of Common Coun- 
 cil, while the Town Clerk was reading the min- 
 utes of the last Court, the Lord Mayor leaned 
 his head upon his hand. " I call the Town-Clerk 
 to order," said Mr. Samuel Dixon. " To order," 
 said Mr. Savage, " what for? "— " What for? " 
 cried Mr. Dixon, " why he reads so loud he'll 
 wake the Lord Mayor." His lordship's reverie 
 was broken for the rest of the day. 
 
 1053. — A Painter in the Waterloo Road, 
 has the following announcement displayed on 
 the front of his house : — " The Acme of Sten- 
 cil ! " " A learned Theban " in the same line, 
 who has just commenced business in an adjoin- 
 ing street, in order to outdo the " old original " 
 stenciller, thus sets forth his pretentions, upon 
 a board of the dimensions of twelve feet by three 
 feet six : " Stencilling, in all its branches, per- 
 formed in the very height of acme ! " 
 
 1054.- — Ix the Extract from the Report of 
 the Legal Commissioners appointed to inquire 
 into the state of the jails in the West Indies, and 
 recently printed for the House of Commons, we 
 find the following questions put by the Commis- 
 sioners to the Deputy Provost Marshal of To- 
 
JOE MILLER 115 
 
 bago, and his most extraordinary answers : — " Is 
 it (the jail) usually full? "— " Generally 
 empty."— "Is it sufficiently large?"— "Not 
 one-tenth part of the size it ought to be." 
 
 1055. — When Lord Townshend was Lord 
 Lieutenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dub- 
 lin, lost no opportunity of repeating his solicita- 
 tions for places. " My dear Hely," said his 
 lordship, " you have a great many things, and 
 I have nothing to give but a majority of dra- 
 goons." — " I accept it then," replied the pro- 
 vost. " What, you take a majority? " answered 
 his lordship, " zounds, it is impossible, I only 
 meant it as a joke." — " And I accept it," re- 
 plied the provost, " merely to show you how well 
 I can take a joke.'" 
 
 1056. — In the Town of Montrose, some of 
 the neighbouring wives having assembled to re- 
 tail to one another the scandal of the morning, 
 and having exhausted the subject, they next 
 passed their opinions on the beauty of names : 
 each considered her own as the prettiest, until 
 Mrs. Gold insisted that hers w r as the best, and in 
 idea produced the pleasantest feeling. " Yes," 
 replied Mrs. Crowe, " gold is very pretty, but 
 it is not yours — you have only borrowed it." 
 
 One country schoolmaster meeting another, 
 who had generally a quid of tobacco in his 
 mouth, tapping him on the cheek, inquired, 
 
 Quid est hoc? — (what is this?) 
 to which the other promptly replied, 
 Hoc est quid, — (this is a quid.) 
 
116 JOE MILLER 
 
 1057. — When Mr. Bligh was a captain in a 
 regiment of infantry, and he and his lady were 
 travelling in Yorkshire, they put up at an inn, 
 where there happened only to be just as much in 
 the larder as would serve them for dinner, which 
 was immediately ordered. In the meantime, 
 some sporting gentlemen of the country came in, 
 and finding there was nothing in the house but 
 what was getting ready for another company, 
 asked who they were. The landlord told them 
 he did not exactly know, but he believed the gen- 
 tleman was an Irish officer. " Oh, hang him, 
 if he is Irish," says one of the company, " a 
 potatoe will serve him. Here, waiter, take up 
 this watch (taking out an elegant gold watch), 
 carry it up stairs, and ask the gentleman what's 
 o'clock." The waiter, at first, hesitated ; but 
 the company insisted upon his delivering the 
 message, and he was obliged to comply. Mr. 
 Bligh was surprised at such an impudent mes- 
 sage, but recollecting himself a moment, took the 
 watch from the waiter, and sent his compliments 
 to the company, that he would tell them 
 before they parted. The message, however, 
 produced his dinner to be sent up in quiet ; which, 
 after he had eat, he clapped a pair of horse-pis- 
 tols under his arm, and going downstairs, intro- 
 duced himself to the company, by telling them, 
 he was come to tell them what o'clock it was ; but 
 first begged to be informed to which of the gen- 
 tlemen the watch belonged: — here a dead silence 
 ensued. Mr. Bligh then began on his right 
 
JOE MILLER 117 
 
 hand, by asking them severally the question, each 
 of whom denied his knowledge of the circum- 
 stance. " Oh, then," says he, " gentlemen, I find 
 I have mistaken the room ; the waiter awhile ago 
 brought me an impudent message from some peo- 
 ple in this house, which I come, as you see 
 (pointing to his pistols), properly to resent, but 
 I find I have mistaken the company : " saying 
 this, he wished them a good evening, paid his 
 bill, stepped into his carriage, and drove off with 
 the watch in his pocket, which he kept to the 
 day of his death. 
 
 1058. — Two Dinner-hunters meeting in 
 Pall-mall a short time back, one inquired of the 
 other how he had been for some days. He re- 
 plied — " In a very poor way indeed, I have not 
 been able to eat anything at all." — " God bless 
 me," said his hungry friend, " that is extremely 
 strange, you generally have a very good appe- 
 tite, you must have been seriously ill." — " Oh ! 
 not at all, believe me, you misconceive my mean- 
 ing, I could have eat, but the reason why I have 
 not been able to do so is, that no one has invited, 
 me to dinner." 
 
 1059. — Mr. Curran was once asked, what 
 an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, 
 could mean by perpetually putting out his 
 tongue. " I suppose," replied the wit, " he's 
 trying to catch the English accent." 
 
 1060. — Generae Mackenzie when com- 
 mander-in-chief of the Chatham division of ma- 
 
118 JOE MILLER 
 
 rines, during the late war, was very rigid in the 
 duty ; and, among other regulations, would suffer 
 no officer to be saluted on guard if out of his 
 uniform. It one day happened that the general 
 observed a lieutenant of marines in a plain dress, 
 and, though he knew the young officer intimately 
 well, he called to the sentinel to turn him out. 
 The officer appealed to the general, saying who 
 he was : " I know you not," said the general ; 
 " turn him out." A short time after, the general 
 had been at a small distance from Chatham, to pay 
 a visit, and returning in the evening, in a blue 
 coat, claimed entrance at the yard gate. The 
 sentinel demanded the countersign, which the 
 general not knowing, desired the officer of the 
 guard to be sent for, who proved to be the lieu- 
 tenant whom the general had treated so cav- 
 alierly. — " Who are you? " inquired the officer. 
 — " I am General Mackenzie," was the reply. — 
 "What, without an uniform?" rejoined the 
 lieuteant ; " Oh, get back, get back, impostor ; 
 the general would break your bones if he knew 
 you assumed his name." The general on this 
 made his retreat; and the next day inviting the 
 young officer to breakfast, told him, "He had 
 done his duty with very commendable exactness." 
 1061. — Davtd Hartley, member for Hull, 
 during the coalition administration, was remark- 
 able for the length and dulness of his speeches. 
 On one occasion, having reduced the house from 
 three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by 
 one of his harangues, just at the time it was sup- 
 
JOE MILLER 119 
 
 posed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot 
 Act should be read, in order to prove one of his 
 previous assertions. Burke, who had been 
 bursting with impatience for full an hour and a 
 half, and who was anxious to speak to the ques- 
 tion, finding himself about to be so cruelly dis- 
 appointed, rose, exclaiming, " The Riot Act, m} r 
 dear friend! the Riot Act! to what purpose. 
 Don't you see that the mob is already completely 
 dispersed?" Every person present was con- 
 vulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never 
 changed countenance, and who still insisted that 
 the Riot Act should be read by the clerk. 
 
 1062. — A Frenchman meeting an English 
 soldier with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly 
 to animadvert on our government for bestow- 
 ing such a trifle, which did not cost them three 
 francs. — " That is true, to be sure," replied the 
 hero, " it did not cost the English government 
 three francs, but it cost the French a Napoleon/' 
 
 1063. — Collins, the Poet, though of a 
 melancholy cast of mind, was by no means averse 
 to a jeu de mot, or quibble. Upon coming into 
 a town the day after a young lady, of whom he 
 was fond, had left it, he said, how unlucky he was 
 that he had come a day after the fair. 
 
 1064. — A Negro in Jamaica was tried for 
 theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged 
 to be heard, which being granted, he asked, " If 
 white man buy stolen goods, why he be no flogged 
 too? »—« Well," said the judge, " so he would." 
 
120 JOE MILLER 
 
 — " Dere den," replied Mungo, " is my massa, 
 he buy tolen goods, he knew me tolen, and yet 
 he buy vie." 
 
 1065. — During the War carried on by the 
 Great Frederick of Prussia, the English Envo}" 
 at Berlin having occasion to inform his majesty 
 of a victory gained by the British, observed, " It 
 had pleased Divine Providence," &c. — " What ! " 
 said his majesty, " is God Almighty one of your 
 allies?" — "Yes, sire," replied the Englishman, 
 " and the only one who does not demand any sub- 
 sidies from us." 
 
 1066. — Some Years Since, one of the sons 
 of a celebrated Jew was on the point of being 
 married to a Christian ; on which the father, ob- 
 jecting to the smallness of the lady's fortune, 
 expostulated with his son, and told him that he 
 might have a female with more money: however, 
 the young gentleman, vindicating his choice, re- 
 plied, " that whether he would consent or not, 
 lie would marry her ; and if he refused to give 
 him a portion, lie would turn Christian, claim the 
 benefit of an English law, and obtain half he 
 possessed." At this ansAver, the father was 
 greatly embarrassed: and, consulting counsel, 
 the counsellor replied, " there was such a law, 
 and that his son, turning Christian, would ob- 
 tain half his estate: but if you'll make me a 
 present of ten guineas," added lie, "I will put 
 you in a way to disappoint him." At this news 
 the old gentleman's hopes revived, and pulling 
 ten guineas out of his pocket, instantly clappeel 
 
JOE MILLER 121 
 
 them into the lawyer's hand, expressing his im- 
 patience to know how he was to proceed. The 
 counsellor replied, with a smile, " You have 
 
 nothing to do, Mr. , but to turn Christian 
 
 yourself." 
 
 1067. — Alembert, at his leaving college, 
 found himself alone and unconnected with the 
 world, and sought an asylum in the house of his 
 nurse. Here he lived and studied for the space 
 of forty years. His good nurse perceived his 
 ardent activity, and heard him mentioned as the 
 writer of many books ; but never took it into her 
 head that he was a great man, and rather beheld 
 him with a kind of compassion. " You will 
 never," said she to him one day, " be anything 
 but a philosopher : and what is a philosopher ? 
 — a fool, who toils and plagues himself during 
 his life, that people may talk of him when he is 
 no more.'* 
 
 1068. — A Lady of Rank, dancing one even- 
 ing, approached so near to a chandelier, that the 
 fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro 
 on her forehead, came in contact with the flame, 
 and the whole was instantly in a blaze. The 
 illumination, however, was quickly and happilv 
 extinguished without harm ; when her husband, 
 seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtless- 
 ness of the act that urged it, peevishly and half 
 angrily exclaimed, " Surely your ladyship must 
 be absolutely mad! " — " No, no," replied her 
 ladyship, " only a little light-headed" 
 
122 JOE MILLER 
 
 1069. — At that time of the administration of 
 the late Mr. Pitt, when petitions for peace were 
 presented to the throne from all parts of Eng- 
 land, Mr. W. Rathbone, a Quaker, was deputed 
 to carry the address from the town of Liverpool ; 
 when, contrary to custom, he presented it on both 
 knees, which so astonished our gracious monarch, 
 that he exclaimed, " What ! what do you go on 
 two knees for? One knee — never more than one 
 knee." To which Mr. R. gravely replied, 
 " Sire, I bend one to God Almighty, to pardon 
 my bending the other to a man." 
 
 1070. — On a Trial between a buckle-maker 
 and one of the same trade, on an encroachment 
 made upon a patent which the former had ob- 
 tained, an advocate from North Britain, prais- 
 ing the invention of his client, looking at his 
 own buckles, exclaimed, " So elegantly are these 
 ornaments constructed, that, were my ancestors 
 to rise from their graves, and happen to observe 
 my legs, how would they be surprised ! " — 
 " Very true, my learned brother," cried the 
 counsel for the defendant ; " they would be very 
 much surprised indeed, to find you had got either 
 shoes or stockings ! " 
 
 1071. — A Fellow of Oxford College see- 
 ing Tom Brown in a tattered gown, said, " Tom, 
 
 I " 
 
 your gown's grown too short for you." — " Al 
 replied Tom, "that's true; but it will be long 
 enough before I get another." 
 
 1072. — A Quaker from Bristol, who latety 
 
JOE MILLER 123 
 
 alighted at an inn, called for some porter, and 
 observing, as it is now the. fashion, the pint de- 
 ficient in quantity, thus addressed the landlord: 
 — " Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost 
 thou draw in a month? " — " Ten, Sir," replied 
 Boniface. — " And thou wouldst like to draw 
 eleven if thou couldst," rejoined Ebenczer. — 
 " Certainly," exclaimed the smiling landlord. — 
 " Then I will tell thee how, friend," added the 
 Quaker: " fill thy measures." 
 
 1073. — Charles XII. of Sweden went early 
 one morning to consult his prime minister. He 
 was in bed, and the king was obliged to wait 
 till he rose. Charles passed the time in talking 
 with a soldier whom he found in the ante-cham- 
 ber. At last, the minister appeared, and made 
 many apologies. The soldier, extremely con- 
 fused for having accosted his sovereign with so 
 much freedom, threw himself at his feet, and 
 said, " Sire, forgive me, for I really took you 
 for a man." — " You have done no harm, friend," 
 said the king, " your mistake was natural ; for 
 nothing is, I assure you, so much like a man as a 
 king." 
 
 1074. — Sterne, who used his wife very ill, 
 was one day talking to Garrick in a fine senti- 
 mental manner in praise of conjugal love and 
 fidelity. " The husband," said Sterne, " who be- 
 haves unkindly to his wife deserves to have his 
 house burnt over his head." — " If you think so," 
 said Garrick, " I hope your house is insured." 
 
124 JOE MILLER 
 
 1075. — A Short* Time previous to the sur- 
 render of Calais, in the year 1346, the English 
 fell in with and beat the French fleet, many of 
 whose ships they sunk. None dared to carry the 
 news to Philip, the French king ; till after a long 
 time, his jester appeared in his presence, flounc- 
 ing, and exclaiming in the most contemptuous 
 manner against the English for their miserable 
 cowardice — " Dastardly Englishmen ! " said he ; 
 " faint-hearted Englishmen ! cowardly English- 
 men ! " The king, inquiring the cause of his 
 anger and contempt, received the news of his 
 misfortune in the following answer — " Because 
 they durst not leap out of their ships into the 
 sea, as our brave Frenchmen did." 
 
 1076. — Triboueet, the fool of Francis the 
 First, was threatened with death by a man in 
 power, of whom he had been speaking disrespect- 
 fully ; and he applied to the king for protec- 
 tion. " Be satisfied," said the king ; " if any man 
 should put you to death, I will order him to be 
 hanged a quarter of an hour after." — " Ah, 
 Sir ! " replied Triboulet, " I should be much 
 obliged, if 3 r our Majesty would order him to be 
 hanged a quarter of an hour before." 
 
 1077. — A Bookseleeh, in a large way, having 
 been threatened relative to a publication sup- 
 posed to have been libellous, was asked, by a 
 friend, how it had happened to escape his read- 
 ing. "My reading!" exclaimed the other: 
 " yon might as well expect an apothecary to 
 
JOE MILLER 125 
 
 take his own drugs, as a bookseller to read every 
 book he publishes." 
 
 1078. — A Sailor coming across Blackhcath 
 one evening, was stopped by a footpad, who de- 
 manded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The 
 tar took the robber, and bore away with his prize 
 to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the 
 magistrate came to examine into the assault, he 
 told the sailor that he must take his oath that the 
 robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he 
 could not commit him. The sailor, looking 
 steadfastly at the justice, answered, " He, — he 
 put me in bodily fear ! No, nor any he that ever 
 lived; therefore, if that is the case, you may let 
 him go — for I will not swear to any such a lie." 
 
 1079. — The Late Dr. Glover, well known 
 for being one of the best companions in the 
 world, was returning from a tavern one morning 
 early, across Covent Garden, when a chairman 
 cried out, " A chair ! your honour, a chair ! " 
 Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who 
 was a good way behind, " Scrub, Scrub, Scrub ! " 
 — " Och, indeed ! " says the chairman, " there 
 goes a pair o' ye ! " The facetious doctor gave 
 his countryman half a crown for the merry wit- 
 ticism. 
 
 1080. — As a Regiment of Soldiers were 
 marching through a country town, the captain 
 (a strict disciplinarian) observed that one of the 
 drums did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to 
 inquire the reason. The fellow, on being in- 
 
126 JOE MILLER 
 
 terrogated, whispered the lieutenant, " I have 
 two ducks and a turkey in my drum, and the 
 turkey is for his honour." This being whispered 
 to the captain, he exclaimed, " Why didn't the 
 fellow say he was lame? I do not want men to 
 do their duty when they are not able." 
 
 1081. — A Painter was employed in painting 
 a West India ship in the river, suspended on a 
 stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who 
 had just got into the boat alongside, for the 
 purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let 
 go the painter (the rope which makes fast the 
 boat) : the boy instantly went aft, and let go the 
 rope by which the painter's stage was held. The 
 captain, surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, 
 " Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don't 
 you let go the painter? " The boy replied, 
 " He's gone, Sir, pots and all." 
 
 1082. — A Link Boy asked Dr. Burgess, the 
 preacher, if he would have a light. " No, child," 
 says the Doctor, " I am one of the lights of the 
 world." — " I wish then," replied the boy, " you 
 were hung up at the end of our alley, for it is a 
 very dark one." 
 
 1083. — Philip, king of France, once met a 
 beggar, who solicited a rich gift of him ; urging 
 it as a reason, that he was the king's brother. 
 Philip smiled, and inquired of the beggar, how 
 that could be, and desired to know who was his 
 father. The beggar answered, he was born of 
 Adam, who is the father of us all. The king 
 
JOE MILLER 127 
 
 immediately ordered his chamberlain to give him 
 a farthing. The beggar, however, complained 
 that it was not a royal gift. The king then an- 
 swered, if he were obliged to give as much to all 
 his brothers, who claimed relationship with him, 
 as being born of Adam, he would be obliged to 
 sell his kingdom ; and advised the beggar to 
 solicit as much from every one of his brothers, 
 and his purse would soon be full. 
 
 1084. — An Honest Jack Tar would be 
 coached up to town from Deptford, but thought 
 it a very unbecoming thing in him, who had just 
 been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to 
 have a whole coach to himself; of course, took 
 all the seats, seating himself at the same time 
 upon the top. The coach was about to set off, 
 when a gentleman appeared, who was holding an 
 altercation with the coachman, about the absurd- 
 ity of his insisting that the seats were all taken, 
 and not a person in the coach. Jack, overhear- 
 ing high words, thought, as he had paid full 
 freight, he had a right to interfere, inquired 
 what was the matter. When being told that the 
 gentleman was much disappointed at not getting 
 a seat, he replied, " You lubber, stow him away 
 in the hold ! but he shall not come up on deck." 
 
 1085. — The Late Right Honourable 
 Charees Fox, in the course of a speech which 
 he made in the House of Commons, when enlarg- 
 ing on the influence exercised by government 
 over the members, observed, that is was generally 
 understood that the minister employed a person 
 
128 JOE MILLER 
 
 as manager of the House of Commons ; here there 
 was a general cry of " Name him ! Name him ! " 
 — " No,' 5 said Mr. Fox, " I don't choose to name 
 him, though 1 might do it as easy as say Jack 
 Robinson." That was really his name. 
 
 1086. — A Traveller relating some of his ad- 
 ventures, told the company, that he and his ser- 
 vant made fifty wild Arabians run ; which excit- 
 ing surprise, he observed, there was no such 
 great matter in it ; " for," says he, " we run, 
 and they run after us." 
 
 1087. — A Certain Young Clergyman, 
 modest, almost to bashfulness, was once asked 
 by a country apothecary, of a contrary char- 
 acter, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a 
 tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of 
 the whole company, " How it happened that 
 the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age? " 
 To which question he immediately replied, " Per- 
 haps they took no physic." 
 
 1088. — Two English Gentlemen, some 
 time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so 
 celebrated for the total defeat of the English 
 army, by Robert the Bruce, with an army of 
 Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number: — 
 A sensible countryman pointed out the positions 
 of both armies, the stone where the Bruce's 
 standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly 
 satisfied with his attention, the gentlemen, on 
 leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown- 
 piece : — " Na, na," said the honest man, return- 
 
JOE MILLER 129 
 
 ing the money, " keep jour crown-piece, — the 
 English line paid dear enough already for seeing 
 the field of Bannockburn." 
 
 1089. — Soon After Dr. Johnson's Return 
 from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at 
 whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered 
 some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doc- 
 tor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good? 
 To which he replied, " Very good for hogs! " — 
 " Then, pray," said the lady, " let me help you 
 to a little more." 
 
 1090. — A Nobee Lord a short time ago ap- 
 plied to a pawnbroker to lend him 1000 guineas 
 on his wife's jewels, for which he had paid 4000. 
 " Take the articles to pieces," said his lordship, 
 " number the stones, and put false ones in their 
 place, my lady will not distinguish them." — 
 " You are too late, my lord," said the pawn- 
 broker, " your lady has stole a march upon you, 
 these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of 
 her ladyship a twelvemonth ago." 
 
 1091.- — At the Commencement of the 
 French Revolution, when the popular excite- 
 ment was at its height upon the subject of the 
 Royal veto, Mirabeau heard an old woman in 
 one of the fauxbourgs, bawling out, with all im- 
 aginable zeal, " No veto ; no veto ! " — " My good 
 woman," said Mirabeau, " I am a stranger in 
 Paris, but find everybody talkino* about the veto, 
 do tell me what it means." — " Means," said she, 
 
130 JOE MILLER 
 
 " why a tax upon sugar, to be sure — so, no veto ! 
 no veto ! " 
 
 1092. — An Affectation of Knowledge, is 
 always worse than an acknowledgment of actual 
 ignorance. A person lately called on a friend 
 to complain of a letter which he had received, 
 containing matter by no means complimentary. 
 " Do you know who has addressed this letter to 
 you? " said his friend. " No," was the answer. 
 " Then it was anonymous I suppose." — " Yes," 
 replied the insulted party, with the most imper- 
 turbable gravity, " Very anonymous indeed, I 
 assure you." 
 
 1093. — A French Officer was speaking at 
 a table d'hote, of his first impressions on seeing 
 English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, 
 by saying, that they had faces as round as Che- 
 shire cheeses. An English officer replied, " Mon- 
 sieur, you are very polite, and allow me to say, 
 that if your soldiers had shewed us a little more 
 of their faces, and less of their backs, I should 
 be very glad to return your compliment." 
 
 1094. — A Caravan of Wied Beasts arriving 
 lately in an American village, the elephant was 
 accommodated in a large carriage-house — 
 where, it appeared, a hale two-fisted negro from 
 the country, who had never before seen or heard 
 of an elephant, had laid down to sleep. On wak- 
 ing, blacky was not a little astonished at his 
 strange bed-fellow. What could it be ! The 
 devil ! The huge mass moved, when, lo ! a tail at 
 
JOE MILLER 131 
 
 both ends put all doubt to flight, and, with one 
 despairing leap, he was out of the loft window, 
 without once calculating the chance of breaking 
 his fteck. In the fulness of his astonishment 
 and joy at his escape, he could tell no more of 
 the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with 
 two tails, and describe in his best way an extend- 
 ing, contracting, flexible tail, that no distance 
 could secure jou from. When the mystery was 
 explained, and poor blacky a little pacified, he 
 swore — " by ginny, he no so much skeer at his 
 bigness — but that tarnal tail at both ends — he 
 no like urn." 
 
 1095. — A Female having been summoned be- 
 fore the court of judicature in Calcutta, deposed 
 that a circumstance involved in the cause oc- 
 curred in her presence. The judge asked where 
 it happened? She replied, " In the verandah of 
 such a house." — " Pray, my good woman," said 
 the judge, " how many pillars are in that ver- 
 andah." — The woman not" perceiving the trap 
 that was laid for her, said, without much con- 
 sideration, that the verandah was supported by 
 four pillars. The counsel for the opposite party, 
 immediately offered to prove that the verandah 
 contained five pillars, and that, consequently, no 
 credit could be given to her evidence. The 
 woman perceiving her error, addressed the judge, 
 and said, " My lord, your lordship has for many 
 years presided in this court, and every day that 
 you come here you ascend a flight of stairs, may 
 I beg to know how many steps these stairs con- 
 
132 JOE MILLER 
 
 sist of." The judge confessed lie did not know. 
 " Then," replied she, " if your lordship cannot 
 tell the number of steps you daily ascend to the 
 seat of justice, it cannot be astonishing that I 
 should forget the number of pillars in a balcony 
 which I never entered half-a-dozen times in my 
 life." 
 
 1096. — A " Poor Player " in a mixed com- 
 pany, undertook to quote a passage from Shak- 
 speare, that should be applicable to any remark 
 that might be made by any person present. A 
 forward young fellow undertook to supply a 
 sentence that he believed could not be answered 
 from the works of the bard; and addressing the 
 player, he said, " You are the most insolent pre- 
 tender in the room." — " You forget yourself," 
 promptly replied the player, quoting from the 
 quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius. 
 
 1097. — At a Public Dinner, a gentleman 
 observed a person who sat opposite use a tooth- 
 pick which had just done the same service to his 
 neighbour. — Wishing to apprise him of his 
 mistake, he said, " I beg your pardon, Sir, but 
 
 you are using Mr. 's tooth-pick." — " I 
 
 know I am. By the powers, Sir, do you think 
 I am not going to return it? " 
 
 1098. — A Leicestershire Farmer who had 
 never seen a silver fork, had some soup handed 
 to him at a dinner lately. He found that no 
 spoon was placed at his elbow. Lifting the fork, 
 and twirling it in his fingers for some time, he 
 
JOE MILLER \W 
 
 called the waiter, and requested him to bring " a 
 silver spoon wi'out ony slits in it." 
 
 1099. — A Lady, who had the pleasure of hear- 
 ing Dr. Johnson read Goldsmith's Traveller 
 from the beginning to the end on its first coming 
 out, exclaimed, " I shall never more think Dr. 
 Goldsmith ugly." — This lady, on another occa- 
 sion, being in a large party, was called upon 
 after supper for her toast, and seeming embar- 
 rassed, she was desired to give the ugliest man 
 she knew ; and she immediately named Dr. Gold- 
 smith, on which a lady on the other side of the 
 table rose up, and reached across to shake hands 
 with her, expressing some desire of being better 
 acquainted — it being the first time they had met ; 
 on which Dr. Johnson said, " Thus the ancients, 
 on the commencement of their friendships, used 
 to sacrifice a beast betwixt them." 
 
 1100. — Between a Protestant clergyman 
 and a Roman Catholic lawyer, who had very 
 little good feeling towards each other, the fol- 
 lowing occurrence took place not far from Bath : 
 — " If," asked the clergyman, " a neighbour's 
 dog destroy my ducks, can I recover damages 
 by law?" — "Certainly," replied the lawyer, 
 " you can recover ; pray, what are the circum- 
 stances? " — "Why, Sir, your dog, last night, 
 destroyed two of my ducks." — " Indeed, then 
 you certainly could recover the damages ; what is 
 the amount? I'll instantly discharge it." The 
 demand of four shillings and sixpence was made 
 and paid, when the lawyer immediately made a 
 
134 JOE MILLER 
 
 demand of his fee, six shillings and eightpence, 
 which, unless instantly paid, he should adopt 
 legal means to recover. 
 
 1101. — Aei Hazin, an eastern writer, in his 
 autobiography, assimilates himself, while labour- 
 ing under sea-sickness, to a mill-horse — " my 
 head goes round puzzled to know why it goes 
 round." 
 
 1102. — General Rapp was aide-de-camp to 
 Buonaparte. He once ushered a dark looking 
 Corsican to his presence, and took care to hold 
 the door open while the interview lasted. When 
 questioned by Buonaparte why he did this, "Be- 
 cause," replied Rapp, " I don't put much trust 
 in your Corsicans." This blunt remark caused 
 much amusement. 
 
 1103. — Lord Mansfield, when a counsellor, 
 used very frequently to pass the time from Sun- 
 day afternoon to Monday morning with Lord 
 Foley, who was not remarkable for talent. 
 Charles Townshend being asked what could in- 
 duce Murray to pass his time in such company, 
 answered, " Murray is a prudent fellow. From 
 the nature of his business he is obliged to say a 
 great deal in the course of the week, and he goes 
 down to Foley's to rest his understanding." 
 
 1104. — A Certain Lodging-House was very 
 much infested by vermin — a gentleman who 
 slept there one night, told the landlady so in the 
 morning, when she said, " La, Sir, we haven '1" 
 a single bug in the house." — " >(o, ma'am," 
 
JOE MILLER 135 
 
 said lie, " they're all married, and have large 
 families, too." 
 
 1105. — Colonel S e of the royal ma- 
 rines, was always distinguished for the perspic- 
 uity and brevity of his speeches, of which the fol 
 lowing is a specimen, which was delivered in go 
 ing into the battle of the Nile : — Sir James 
 Saumarez, who commanded the man-of-war to 
 which he belonged, had, in a lengthened speech, 
 wound up the feelings to the highest pitch of 
 ardour for the fight, by reminding them of the 
 duty they owed to their king and country ; and 
 though last, not least, he desired them to call to 
 mind their families, their parents, and sweet- 
 hearts, and to fight as if the battle solely de- 
 pended on their individual exertions. He was 
 answered by looks and gestures highly expres- 
 sive of their determination ; then turning to our 
 
 hero, he said, " Now, S e, I leave you to 
 
 speak to the marines." — Colonel S e immedi- 
 ately directed their attention to the land beyond 
 the French fleet. " Do you see that land there? " 
 he asked. They all shouted, " Ay, ay, Sir ! " — 
 " Now, my lads, that's the land of Egypt, and 
 if you don't fight like devils, you'll soon be in 
 the house of bondage. '* He was answered by a 
 real British cheer fore and aft. 
 
 1106. — A Cantab being out of ready cash, 
 went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who 
 happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking 
 him, the Cantab demanded, — " Are you asleep? " 
 — "Why?" says the student. "Because," re- 
 
136 JOE MILLER 
 
 plied the other, " I want to borrow half-a- 
 crown." — " Then," answered the student, " I'm 
 asleep." 
 
 1107. — Tom Randolph, who was then a stu- 
 dent in Cambridge, having staid in London so 
 long that he might truly be said to have had 
 a parley with his empty purse, was resolved to 
 see Ben Jonson with his associates, who, as he 
 heard, at a set time, kept a club together at the 
 Devil Tavern, near Temple Bar. Accordingly 
 he went thither at the specified time ; but, being 
 unknown to them, and wanting money, which, 
 to a spirit like Tom's, was the most daunting 
 thing in the world, he peeped into the room 
 where they were, and was espied by Ben Johnson, 
 who, seeing him in a scholar's thread-bare habit, 
 cried out, " John Bo-peep, come in ! " which ac- 
 cordingly he did. They immediately began to 
 rhyme upon the meanness of his clothes, asking 
 him if he could not make a verse, and, withal, 
 to call for his quart of sack. There being but 
 four of them, he immediately replied — 
 
 I John Bo-peep, 
 
 To yon four sheep, 
 With each one his good fleece; 
 
 If that you are willing, 
 
 To give me five shilling, — 
 'Tis fifteen pence a-piece. 
 
 " By Jasus ! " exclaimed Ben Jonson (his 
 usual oath), "I believe this is my son Ran- 
 dolph ; " which being made known to them, he 
 
JOE MILLER 137 
 
 was kindly entertained in their company, and 
 Ben Jonson ever after called him his son. 
 
 1108. — The Rev. George Harvest, fellow 
 of Magdalen College, Cambridge, with a good 
 heart possessed many oddities. One night, seated 
 amidst all the pageantry of politeness with Lady 
 
 O and the family, in the front box of a 
 
 London theatre, poor Harvest, on pulling out 
 his handkerchief, brought with it an old greasy 
 night-cap, which fell into the pit. " Who owns 
 this ? " cries a gentleman below, elevating the 
 trophy at the same time on the point of his cane ; 
 "Who owns this?" The unaffected Harvest, 
 little considering the delicate sensations of his 
 friends, and overjoyed at the recovery of this 
 valuable chattel, eagerly darts out his hand, 
 seizes the cap, and in the action cries out, " It is 
 mine ! " The party were utterly disconcerted at 
 the circumstance, and blushed for their com- 
 panion, who rather expected their congratula- 
 tions at the recovery of his property. 
 
 1109. — It is Sufficiently Notorious that 
 Porson was not remarkably attentive to the dec- 
 orating of his person ; indeed he was at times dis- 
 agreeably negligent. On 'one occasion he went 
 to visit a friend, where a gentleman, who did not 
 know Porson, was anxiously expecting a barber. 
 On Porson's entering the library where he was 
 sitting, the gentleman started up, and hastily 
 exclaimed, " Are you the barber? " — " No, Sir," 
 answered Porson ; " but I'm a cunning shaver, 
 much at your service." 
 
138 JOE MILLER 
 
 1110. — Herring, afterwards archbishop, 
 slipped down a bank, and fell into the mud in a 
 ditch near St. John's College. A wag, passing 
 by at the time, exclaimed, " There, Herring, you 
 are in a fine pickle now ! " A Johnian, to which 
 college the immemorial privilege of punning had 
 been conceded in the Spectator's time, and who 
 had consequently a disposition to be pleased w T ith 
 puns, went home laughing most immoderately all 
 the way at the joke. Some of his fellow-col- 
 legians inquiring the cause of his merriment : " I 
 never heard," said he, " a better thing in my life. 
 Herring, of Jesus, fell into the ditch in the 
 piece, and an acquaintance said, as he lay sprawl- 
 ing, ' There, Herring ! you are in a fine condi- 
 tion now ! ' " — " Well," said his companions, 
 " where is the wit of it, pray ? " — " Nay/' he 
 said, " I am sure it was a good thing when I 
 heard it." 
 
 1111. — When the Prince of Orange, 
 afterwards William the Third, came over to this 
 country, five of the seven bishops who were sent 
 to the Tower declared for his highness ; but the 
 other two would not come into the measures. 
 Upon which Dry den said, " that the seven golden 
 candlesticks were sent to be assayed in the Tower, 
 and five of them proved prince's metal." 
 
 1112. — A Gentleman of Trinity College, 
 travelling through France with a friend, in what, 
 on that side of the water, was called a chaise, was 
 very much teased with the mode of travelling, 
 particularly as they made so little progress, and 
 
JOE MILLER 139 
 
 he wanted to reach the next town at a set time. 
 He tried gentle means of persuasion to induce 
 the postillion to urge his steeds, but in vain. 
 After floundering about in French, till he was 
 out of all patience, for he was no great dab at it, 
 and, withal, not being in possession of any of 
 those emphatic phrases which are equivalent to 
 such as Englishmen are accustomed to vent their 
 anger in, he bethought himself, that, if he was 
 not understood, he might at least frighten the 
 fellow by using some high-sounding words ; and, 
 collecting all the powers of eloquence of which he 
 was master, with the voice of a stentor, he roared 
 into the ear of the postillion : — " Westmoreland, 
 Cumberland, Northumberland, Durham ! " which 
 the fellow mistaking for some tremendous oath, 
 accompanied with a threat, had the desired effect, 
 and induced him to increase his speed. 
 
 1113. — Dr. Boldero, formerly master of 
 Jesus College, had been treated with great sever- 
 ity by the protectorate for his attachment to the 
 royal cause, as was Herring, at that time Bishop 
 of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus 
 College is vested. On a vacancy of the master- 
 ship occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions 
 to the appointment, in plain English plucks up 
 his spirits, or, in Homer's language, speaks to his 
 magnanimous soul, and presents his petition to 
 the bishop. "Who are you?" says his lord- 
 ship, " I know nothing of you ! I never heard 
 of you before ! " — " My lord," replied Boldero, 
 " I have suffered long and severely for my at- 
 
140 JOE MILLER 
 
 tachment to my ro} 7 al master, as well as your 
 lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have 
 been in all the gaols in England." — " What does 
 the fellow mean ! " exclaimed the bishop ; " Man ! 
 I never was confined in any prison but the 
 Tower! "— " And, my lord," said Boldero, " I 
 have been in all the rest myself ! " The bishop's 
 heart was melted at this reply, and he granted 
 B older o's petition. 
 
 1114. — The President of a Certain Coe- 
 eege in Cambridge was one evening listening at 
 the door of one of the under-graduates of his col- 
 lege, suspecting something improper to be pro- 
 ceeding within. The student, by some means, 
 having acquired a knowledge of the snare, taking 
 the pot de chambre in his hand, he suddenly 
 opened his door and discharged the contents over 
 the president, accompanied with a kick, exclaim- 
 ing, at the same time, " Get down, you rascal ! 
 I'll tell the president of your listening at my 
 door ! " 
 
 1115. — Lord Melcombe, when his name was 
 plain Bubb, was intended by the administration 
 of that time to be sent ambassador to Spain. 
 While this matter was in contemplation, Lord 
 Chesterfield met him, and, touching him upon the 
 proposed embassy, told Bubb, that he did not, 
 by any means, think him fit to be the representa- 
 tive of the crown of England, at the Spanish 
 court. Bubb begged to know the ground of his 
 objection : " Why," said his lordship, " your 
 name is too short. Bubb, Bubb, — do you think 
 
JOE MILLER 141 
 
 the Spaniards, a people who pride themselves on 
 their family honours, and the length of their 
 titles, will suppose a man can possess any dignity 
 or importance, with a name of one syllabic, which 
 can be pronounced in a second? No, my dear 
 friend, you must not think of Spain, unless you 
 make some addition to your name ! " — Bubb de- 
 sired his lordship to say what he would have him 
 do. Lord Chesterfield, pausing a moment, ex- 
 claimed, — " I have it : what do you think of call- 
 ing yourself Silly-Bubb? " 
 
 1116. — It is Related that Dr. Mansel, 
 then an undergraduate of Trinity College, Cam- 
 bridge, by chance called at the rooms of a brother 
 Cantab, who was absent ; but he had left on his 
 table the opening of a poem, which was in the 
 following lofty strain : — 
 
 " The sun's perpendicular rays 
 Illumine the depths of the sea;" 
 
 Here the flight of the poet by some accident 
 stopped short; but Dr. Mansel, who was seldom 
 (if we may credit fame) lost on such occasions, 
 illuminated the subject by completing the stanza 
 in the following facetious style: — 
 
 " The fishes, beginning to sweat, 
 Cried, d — n it, how hot we shall be!" 
 
 1117. — At an Examination for the degree 
 of B. A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under 
 an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the 
 
142 JOE MILLER 
 
 moral questions was — " Give a definition of hap- 
 piness ? " To which one of the candidates re- 
 turned the following laconic answer, — " An ex- 
 emption from Payne." Some persons are so un- 
 fortunate as to buy their wit at a great price, 
 as was proved in the above case ; for, on the gen- 
 tleman declining to apologize to Mr. Payne, he 
 was suspended from his degree, for a very con- 
 siderable time. 
 
 1118. — A Student of St. John's College, 
 who was remarkable for his larks and eccentric- 
 ities, during the time he was dining in hall, 
 called to a bon vivant, at another table, to say, 
 " that he had got a fine fox in his rooms, for 
 him.! " This being overheard by the marker, 
 who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a 
 certain dean, and who understood the student in 
 a literal sense, he took an early opportunity to in- 
 form the dean of the circumstance. The stu- 
 dent was very soon summoned before the master 
 and seniors, for what he knew not; however, on 
 entering, he was informed, " they had learned he 
 kept a fox in his rooms — a thing not to be tol- 
 erated by the college." — " It is very true," re- 
 plied the accused ; " I have a bust of Charles 
 James Fox, at your service ! " 
 
 1119. — Through an Avenue of Trees, at, 
 the back of Trinity College, a church may be 
 seen at a considerable distance, the approach to 
 which affords no very pleasing scenery. The 
 late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that 
 way with a friend, and observing the church, 
 
JOE MILLER 143 
 
 remarked, " That it put him in mind of a fellow- 
 ship, which was a long dreary walk, with a 
 church at the end of it." 
 
 1120. — Quin having had an invitation from 
 a certain nobleman, who was reputed to keep a 
 very elegant table, to dine with him, and having 
 no manner of aversion to a good repast, he ac- 
 cordingly waited on his lordship, but found the 
 regale far from answering his expectations. 
 Upon taking leave, the servants, who were very 
 numerous, had ranged themselves in the hall. 
 Quin finding that if he gave to each of them it 
 would amount to a pretty large sum, asked, 
 which was the cook ? who readily answered, " Me, 
 Sir." He then inquired for the butler, who was 
 as quick in replying as the other; when he said 
 to the first, " Here is half a crown for my eat- 
 ing ; " and to the other, " Here is five shillings 
 for my wine ; but, upon my word, gentlemen, I 
 never had so bad a dinner for the money in my 
 life." 
 
 1121. — A Jockey Lord met his old college 
 tutor at a great horse fair. " Ah ! doctor," ex- 
 claimed his lordship, " what brings you here 
 among these highbred cattle ? Do you think you 
 can distinguish a horse from an ass? " — " My 
 lord," replied the tutor, " I soon perceived you 
 among these horses." 
 
 1122. — A Lady invited Dean Swift to dinner, 
 and as she heard he was not easily pleased, she 
 had taken care to provide in profusion every 
 
1U JOE MILLER 
 
 delicacy which could be procured. The Dean 
 was scarcely seated before the lady began a cere- 
 monious harangue, expressing much grief that 
 she had not a more tolerable dinner, fearing ex- 
 ceedingly there was not anything fit for him to 
 eat. " Plague take you," said the Dean, " why 
 did you not provide a better? certainly you have 
 had time enough ; but since you say it is so bad, 
 I'll e'en go home and eat a herring ; " and he ac- 
 cordingly departed in violent haste. 
 
 1123. — When the Valiant Gustavus 
 Adoephus, King of Sweden, attacked Poland, 
 he took the town of Riga, and, after other vari- 
 ous successes, laid siege to Mew. Here, in the 
 hurry and confusion of the conflict, Gustavus fell 
 twice into the enemy's hands. How he escaped 
 the first time cannot be well ascertained; but he 
 was extricated a second time by the admirable 
 presence of mind of a Swedish horseman, who 
 (to conceal his majesty's quality) cried aloud to 
 the Poles, " Have a care of yourselves, for we 
 will rescue my brother ; " since, by the way, it 
 must be noted, that he had three or four com- 
 panions at his elbow: this task he performed in 
 an instant. When, not long afterwards, Gustavus 
 perceived his deliverer made a prisoner in his 
 turn, he put himself at the head of a troop, and 
 brought him off triumphantly. " Now," says he, 
 "brother soldier, we arc upon equal terms; for 
 the obligation is become reciprocal." 
 
 1124. — The Emperor Rodolphus Aus- 
 teiacus being at Nuremburg upon public busi- 
 
JOE MILLER 145 
 
 ncss, a merchant came before liim with a com- 
 plaint against an inn-keeper, who had cheated 
 him of a bag of money which he had deposited 
 in his hands, but which the other denied ever hav- 
 ing received. The emperor asked what evidence 
 he had of the fact; and the merchant replied, 
 that no person was at all privy to the affair but 
 the two parties. The emperor next inquired 
 what kind of bag it was ; and when the merchant 
 had described it particularly, he was ordered to 
 withdraw into the next room. The emperor was 
 about to send for the inn-keeper, when, fortu- 
 nately, the man came himself just in time, with 
 the principal inhabitants of the place, to wait 
 upon his majesty. The emperor knew him very 
 well; and as Rudolphus was very pleasant in his 
 manner, he accosted him familiarly, saying, 
 " You have a handsome cap, pray give it to me, 
 and let us exchange." The inn-keeper, being 
 very proud of this distinction, readily presented 
 his cap ; and his majesty soon after retiring, sent 
 a trusty and well known inhabitant of the city to 
 the wife of the host, saying, " Your husband 
 desires you would send him such a bag of money, 
 for he has a special occasion for it ; and by this 
 token he has sent his cap." The woman delivered 
 the bag without any suspicion, and the messen- 
 ger returned with it to the emperor, who asked 
 the merchant if he knew it, and he owned it with 
 joy. Next the host was called in, to whom the 
 emperor said, " This man accuses you of having 
 defrauded him of a bag of money committed to 
 
146 JOE MILLER 
 
 your trust — what say you to the charge ? " The 
 inn-keeper boldly said, " it was a lie, or that the 
 man must be mad, for he had never any concerns 
 with him whatever." Upon this the emperor pro- 
 duced the bag; at the sight of which the host 
 was so confounded, that he stammered out a con- 
 fession of his guilt. The merchant received his 
 money, and the culprit was fined very heavily for 
 his guilt, while all Germany resounded in praise 
 of the sagacity of the emperor. 
 
 1125. — Mallet was so fond of being thought 
 a sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all 
 occasions. His wife, it is said, was a complete 
 convert to his doctrines, and even the servants 
 stared at their master's bold arguments, without 
 being poisoned by their influence. One fellow, 
 however, who united a bad heart to an unsettled 
 head, was determined to practise what Mallet 
 was so solicitous to propagate, and robbed his 
 master's house. Being pursued, and brought be- 
 fore a justice, Mallet attended, and taxed him 
 severely with ingratitude and dishonesty. 
 " Sir," said the fellow, " I have often heard you 
 talk of the impossibility of a future state ; that, 
 after death, there was neither reward for virtue, 
 nor punishment for vice, and this tempted me to 
 commit the robbery." — " Well ! but, you rascal," 
 replied Mallet, " had you no fear of the gal- 
 lows?" — "Master," said the culprit, looking 
 sternly at him, " What is it to you, if I had a 
 mind to venture that? You had removed my 
 greatest terror; why should I fear the less?" 
 
JOE MILLER 147 
 
 1126. — Garrick one day dining with a large 
 company, soon after dinner left the room, and it 
 was supposed had left the house ; but one of the 
 party, on going into the area to seek him, found 
 Mr. Garrick fully occupied in amusing a Negro 
 boy, who was a servant in the family, by mimick- 
 ing the manner and noise of a turkey-cock, 
 which diverted the boy to such a degree, that he 
 was convulsed with laughter, and only able now 
 and then to utter, " Oh, Massa Garrick ! you will 
 kill me, Massa Garrick." 
 
 1127. — An Author was reading some bad 
 verses in his poem to a friend in a very cold 
 apartment. The critic cried out, in a shaking 
 fit, " My dear friend, either put fire into your 
 verses, or your verses into the fire, or I shall not 
 be able to stand here any longer." 
 
 1128. — The Celebrated Rabelais, when he 
 was at a great distance from Paris, and without 
 money to bear his expenses thither, procured 
 some brickdust, and having disposed of it into 
 several papers, wrote upon one, " poison for 
 monsieur," upon a second, " poison for the dau- 
 phin," and on a third, " poison for the king." 
 Having made this provision for the royal family 
 of France, he laid his papers in such a manner 
 that they might be seen by the landlord, who was 
 an inquisitive man, and a loyal subject. The 
 plot succeeded as he could wish : the host secured 
 his guest, and gave immediate information to the 
 secretary of state of what he had discovered. 
 The secretary presently sent down a special mes- 
 
148 JOE MILLER 
 
 senger, who brought up the pretended traitor to 
 court, and provided him, at the king's expense, 
 with proper accommodation on the road. As soon 
 as he appeared, he was known; and his powder, 
 upon examination, being found perfectly inno- 
 cent, the jest was only laughed at; but for which 
 an inferior wit would probably have been sent to 
 the galleys. 
 
 1129. — Peter Heine, a Dutchman, from a 
 cabin-boy, rose to the rank of an admiral. He 
 was killed in an action at the moment his fleet 
 triumphed over that of Spain. The states-gen- 
 eral sent a deputation to his mother, at Delft, 
 to condole with her on the loss of her son. This 
 simple old woman, who still remained in her 
 original obscurity, answered the deputies in these 
 words : " I always foretold that Peter would 
 perish like a miserable wretch that he was ; he 
 loved nothing but rambling about from one coun- 
 try to another, and now he has received the re- 
 ward of his folly." 
 
 1130. — Agesieaus being asked why Sparta 
 had no walls, shewed its armed citizens, saying, 
 " These are the walls of Sparta." 
 
 1131. — Malherbe, the famous reformer of 
 French poetry, and of the French language, 
 dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was 
 to preach a sermon the same evening, but- who 
 was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner 
 was good, the wines delicious ; and the poet hav- 
 ing freely partaken of both, began to nod, for 
 
JOE MILLER 149 
 
 want of enlivening conversation. When the 
 hour came for the bishop's going to church, he 
 shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, " It is time 
 to start, Malherbe. You know I am to preach 
 this evening." — " Ah, my lord," said the poet, 
 " be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very 
 well where I am." 
 
 1132. — When Sir Walter Raleigh re- 
 turned from his discovery of Virginia, he 
 brought with him a quantity of tobacco, which 
 he used to smoke privately in his study. But 
 the first time of his doing it there, his man-ser- 
 vant bringing his usual tankard of ale and nut- 
 meg, the poor fellow, seeing the smoke pouring 
 forth in clouds from his mouth, threw all the 
 contents of the tankard in his face, and then 
 ran down stairs, exclaiming, " That his master 
 was on fire, and, before they could get to him, 
 would be burnt to ashes." 
 
 1133. — A Frenchman, who had immediate 
 occasion to stop under a gateway, saw a sow and 
 a litter of pigs pass him. He stood some time 
 admiring the diversity of colours, till he found 
 an opportunity of popping one under his coat 
 and running off with it. This he attempted, 
 but was pursued by the hostler, who overtook 
 and seized him with the pig in his possession. 
 He was taken to Bow-street, and fully com- 
 mitted. When the trial came on the circum- 
 stances of the theft being clearly proved, he was 
 found guilty, and asked what he had to say why 
 sentence should not be passed? " Me lor, I vil 
 
150 JOE MILLER 
 
 trouble you attendez two tree vord vat I sail say. 
 I French gentleman, I no understand vat you 
 call de tief dis country. Mais I vil tell you tout 
 d'affair, and you vill find dat I am innocent. 
 Me lor, I never tief a pig my lifetime." — " Why 
 it was found upon you." — " Oh, certainly, but 
 I was take him with his own consent." — "How 
 do you mean? " — " Vy, ven I was see de mamma 
 pig, and his childrens, I was very much in love 
 vid them ; and dis little pig, I look his face, I 
 say, you pretty little fellow, will you come live 
 Add me for one month ? He says a-week ! a-week ! 
 So I have taken him for a-week, dat's all." 
 
 1134. — When Dr. Franklin applied to the 
 king of Prussia to lend his assistance to Amer- 
 ica, " Pray, doctor," said the veteran, " what is 
 the object you mean to attain?" — "Liberty, 
 Sire," replied the philosopher of Philadelphia: 
 " liberty ! that freedom which is the birth-right 
 of man." The king, after a short pause, made 
 this memorable and kingly answer : " I was born 
 a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use 
 the power which I possess to the ruin of my own 
 trade." 
 
 1135. — Two Gentlemen at Bath having a 
 difference, one went to the other's door early in 
 the morning, and wrote " Scoundrel " upon it. 
 The other called upon his neighbour, and was 
 answered by a servant, that his master was not 
 at home, but if he had anything to say he might 
 leave it with him. " No, no," says he, " I was 
 
JOE MILLER 151 
 
 only going to return your master's visit, as he 
 left his name at my door in the morning." 
 
 1136. — Miners arc known to be a supersti- 
 tious race. In some extensive mines in Wales, 
 the men frequently saw the Devil, and when once 
 he had been seen, the men would work no more 
 that day. This became serious, for the old gen- 
 tleman repeated his visits so frequently, that it 
 became an injury to the proprietor. He at last 
 called his men together, and told them it was 
 very certain that the devil never appeared to 
 anybody who had not deserved to be so terrified, 
 and that as he was determined to keep no rogues 
 about him, he was resolved to discharge the first 
 man that saw the devil again. The remedy was 
 as efficient as if he had turned a stream of holy 
 water into the mine. 
 
 1137. — At a Late Review of a volunteer 
 corps, not twenty miles from Norwich, the major, 
 who gave the word, not finding the men so expert 
 as he had wished, was perpetually calling, " As 
 you were — as you were," and putting them 
 twice through the ordered manoeuvre ; the in- 
 specting officer at length, losing all patience, ex- 
 claimed, " As you were! No, I'll be d d if 
 
 }^ou are as you were ; for you are not half so good 
 as you were the last time I saw you." 
 
 1138. — At a Fashionable Whist Party, a 
 lady having won a rubber of 20 guineas, the 
 gentleman who was her opponent pulled out his 
 pocket-book, and tendered £21 in bank-notes. 
 
152 JOE MILLER 
 
 The fair gamester observed, with a disdainful 
 toss of her head, " In the great houses which 
 I frequent, Sir, we always use gold." — " That 
 may be, Madam," replied the gentleman, " but 
 in the little houses which I frequent, we always 
 use paper." 
 
 1139. — A Speculative Gentleman, wishing 
 to teach his horse to do without food, starved 
 him to death. " I had a great loss," said he ; 
 " for, just as he learned to live without eating, 
 he died." 
 
 1140. — A Citizen of London having made 
 his fortune, thought the best way to employ 
 his money, was in building a row of houses in 
 Whitechapel, to let out in tenements ; which, 
 after he had built, he unadvisedly let one of them 
 to a coppersmith for a term of lease, when un- 
 luckily the driving of the nails and the hammers 
 became such a nuisance, that the other neigh- 
 bouring tenants gave warning upon it to the 
 landlord, who went immediately to the copper- 
 smith and offered him any terms to give up the 
 lease, which he could not prevail upon him to do ; 
 when he luckily happened to mention it before 
 an officer of the guards, who said, if that he 
 would give him five guineas, and suffer him to be 
 in the next house to him, that he would effec- 
 tually force him out ; which the other agreed to. 
 Accordingly, he got two drummers, and ordered 
 them to keep a continual drumming; which so 
 alarmed and hindered the coppersmith, that he 
 could not work at his trade, as these people, when 
 
JOE MILLER 153 
 
 they work, must hear their own blows, or else 
 they are liable to strike the nail too much on the 
 head, and when it is almost even with the sur- 
 face for it to come loose again ; so this expedient 
 not only served the landlord, but also gave the 
 officer the means of enlisting his men, as the} T 
 could not work, and were idle. 
 
 1141. — A Young Man told his friend that 
 he dreamed that he had struck his foot against 
 a sharp nail. " Why then, do you sleep without 
 your shoes? " was the reply. 
 
 1142. — A Countryman, very much marked 
 with the small-pox, applied to a justice of the 
 peace for redress in an affair where one of his 
 neighbours had ill-treated him ; but not explain- 
 ing the business so clearly as the justice ex- 
 pected, " Fellow," said the justice, in a rage, 
 " I don't know whether you were inoculated for 
 the small-pox or not ; but I am sure you have 
 been for stupidity." — " Why, and please your 
 honour," replied the man, " perhaps I might, as 
 you say, be inoculated for stupidity, but there 
 was no occasion to perform that upon your wor- 
 ship, for you seem to have had it in the natural 
 way." 
 
 1143. — A Robustious Countryman, meet- 
 ing a physician, ran to hide behind a wall ; being 
 asked the cause, he replied, " It is so long since 
 I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a 
 physician in the face." 
 
 1144. — A Citizen, seeing some sparrows in 
 
154 JOE MILLER 
 
 a tree, went beneath and shook it, holding out 
 his hat to catch them as they fell. 
 
 1145. — Selden tells this story: — A person 
 of quality came to my chamber, in the Temple, 
 and told me that he had two devils in his head 
 (I wondered what he meant), and just at that 
 time one of them bid him kill me: with that, I 
 began to be afraid, and thought he was mad. 
 He said he knew I could cure him, and therefore 
 entreated me to give him something, for he was 
 resolved he would go to nobody else. I per- 
 ceived what an opinion he had of me, and that it 
 was only melancholy that troubled him, took it 
 in hand, and warranted him, if he would follow 
 my directions, to cure him in a short time. I 
 desired him to let me alone for about half an 
 hour, and then come again, which he was very 
 willing to do. In the meantime I got a card, 
 and lapped it up handsome in a piece of taffeta, 
 put strings to the taffeta, and when he came I 
 gave it him to hang about his neck, charging 
 him that he should not disorder himself either 
 with eating or drinking, but eat very little sup- 
 per, and say his prayers duly when he went to 
 bed, and I made no question but he would be 
 well in three or four days. Within that time, 
 I went to dinner at his house, and asked him how 
 he did. He said he was much better, but not 
 perfectly well; for, in truth, he had not dealt 
 clearly with me. He had four devils in his head, 
 and he perceived two of them were gone, with 
 that which I had given him, but the other two 
 
JOE MILLER 155 
 
 troubled him still. " Well," said I, " I am glad 
 two of them are gone, and I make no doubt but 
 to get away the others." So I gave him another 
 thing to hang likewise about his neck. Three 
 days after that he came to see me at my chamber 
 and professed he was as well as ever he was in his 
 life, and thanked me for the great care I had 
 of him. I, fearing lest he might relapse into 
 the like distemper, told him that there was none 
 but myself, and one physician more in the whole 
 town, that could cure the devils in the head, and 
 that was Dr. Harvey, whom I had prepared, and 
 wished him, if ever he found himself ill in my 
 absence, to go to him, for he could cure his 
 disease as well as myself.— The gentleman lived 
 many years, and was never troubled after. 
 
 1146. — The Son of a fond father, when 
 going to war, promised to bring home the head n 
 of one of the enemy. His parent replied, " I 
 should be glad to see you come home without a 
 head, provided you come safe." 
 
 1147. — The Following Advertisement 
 was posted up at North Shields : — " Whereas 
 several idle and disorderly persons have lately 
 made a practice of riding on an ass, belonging 
 
 to Mr. , the head of the Ropary Stairs : 
 
 now, lest any accident should happen, he takes 
 this method of informing the public, that he is 
 determined to shoot his said ass, and cautions any 
 person who may be riding on it at the time, to 
 take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate 
 mistake he should shoot the wrong one.'* 
 
 
156 JOE MILLER 
 
 1148. — A Man meeting his friend, said, " I 
 spoke to you last night in a dream." — " Pardon 
 me," replied the other, " I did not hear you." 
 
 1149. — A Fellow had to cross a river, and 
 entered the boat on horseback ; being asked the 
 cause, he replied, " I must ride, because I am in 
 a hurry." 
 
 1150. — An Eccentric Barber, some years 
 ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King's 
 Bench prison. The windows being broken when 
 he entered it, he mended them with paper, on 
 which appeared — " Shave for a penny," with 
 the usual invitation to customers; and over the 
 door was scrawled these lines: 
 
 " Here lives Jemmy Wright, 
 Shaves as well as any man in England, 
 Almost — not quite." 
 
 Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these 
 inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit 
 from the author, whom he justly concluded to 
 be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, and 
 thrusting his head through a paper pane into the 
 shop, called out, " Is Jemmy Wright at home? " 
 The barber immediately forced his own head 
 through another pane into the street, and re- 
 plied, " No, Sir, he has just popt out." Foote 
 laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea. 
 
 1151. — " Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the 
 cure for gout? " asked an indolent and luxurious 
 citizen. — " Live upon sixpence a day, and earn 
 it ! " was the pithy answer. 
 
JOE MILLER 157 
 
 1152. — The " Editio Princeps " of Virgil, 
 now in the possession of a noble earl, was some 
 years ago discovered in a monastery in Suabia. 
 The good old monks, to whom this and several 
 other valuable books belonged, could not be pre- 
 vailed on to part with this copy for money. It 
 happened, however, that they were remarkably 
 fond of old hock. This was found out by an 
 English connoisseur, who, for seven guineas' 
 worth of hock, obtained this rare copy of Virgil, 
 which he afterwards sold to a book collector for 
 501. To the present possessor it cost no less 
 than 400Z. 
 
 1153. — When Wilkes had written his poem, 
 the " Essay on Woman," he sent it in manuscript 
 to the Archbishop of Canterbury, with a letter, 
 expressing his anxiety not to publish anything 
 offensive to public morals, and requesting that if 
 his grace, in perusing it, met with any passages 
 that might be deemed objectionable, he would 
 erase them, or make such alterations as to his 
 grace might seem necessary. The good arch- 
 bishop, quite unconscious of the snare that was 
 laid for him, was actually preparing to give 
 Wilkes the benefit of his advice, when a friend, 
 who was made acquainted with the circumstance, 
 dissuaded his grace from the task, assuring him, 
 that if he did it, Wilkes would still publish the 
 " Essay on Woman," and announce that it was 
 " corrected and revised by his Grace the Lord 
 Archbishop of Canterbury." 
 
 1154. — When Leti, the historian, was one 
 
158 JOE MILLER 
 
 day attending the levee of Charles the Second, 
 he said to him, " Leti, I hear that you are writing 
 the History of the Court of England." — " Sir, 
 I have been for some time preparing materials 
 for such a history." — " Take care that your 
 work give no offence," said the prince. — Leti 
 replied, " Sir, I will do what I can, but if a man 
 were as wise as Solomon, he would scarcely be 
 able to avoid giving offence." — " Why, then," 
 rejoined the king, " be as wise as Solomon ; write 
 proverbs, not histories." 
 
 1155. — One Day, when King James the First 
 had been perusing a work, entitled, " A De- 
 scription of the Policy of the Church of Eng- 
 land," written by the historian Calderwood, he 
 was peevish and disconcerted. A prelate stand- 
 ing by, inquired of his majesty the cause of his 
 uneasiness? He replied, that he had been read- 
 ing such a work. To this the prelate replied, 
 " Don't trouble your majesty about that, we will 
 answer it." In a passion the king replied, 
 "What would you answer, man? There is 
 nothing here but scripture, reason, and the 
 fathers." 
 
 1156. — When Skeeton published his " De- 
 ism Revealed," the Bishop of London asked the 
 Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? " Oh, 
 yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these 
 twenty years." — " More shame for your lordship 
 to let a man of his merit continue so long a curate 
 in your diocese," was the reply. 
 
JOE MILLER 159 
 
 1157. — It was an observation of Sir John, 
 father of the celebrated Sir Thomas More, " that 
 the choice of a wife was like putting one's hand 
 into a bag full of snakes, with only one eel in it ; 
 we may by a possibility light on the eel, but it 
 is a hundred to one we are stung by a snake." 
 From the circumstance of his having put his own 
 hand into the bag three times, it is to be inferred 
 that he was more fortunate than wife-hunters in 
 general. 
 
 1158. — Two Highlanders set out an ex- 
 pedition to steal the litter of a wild sow, which 
 lay in a narrow-mouthed cave. Seizing the op- 
 portunity of the tender parent's absence, one of 
 the men crept in, and the other kept watch at the 
 mouth. Presently down came the sow distracted, 
 as if informed of what was passing, by the in- 
 stinct of maternal concern, and rushed with men- 
 acing tusks to her door ; the guard, as she 
 slipped into the passage, had but just time to lay 
 hold of her tail, give it a firm twist round his 
 strong hand, and throwing himself down and 
 setting his feet against the sides of the pass, he 
 held her fast. He had enough to do, and no 
 breath to waste. The young pigs were squeak- 
 ing under the hands of his companion, and the 
 old one, to the fondest of pig's hearts, added the 
 strongest of pig's sinews, and the most wilful 
 of pig's purposes. The Highlander in the cave 
 was too much engaged with the screaming little 
 pigs to hear the tussle, but finding himself in 
 darkness, he called out to .his mate, 
 
160 JOE MILLER 
 
 matter? I canna see." The fellow, who by this 
 time had found a pig's tail a most uneasy tenure, 
 and who had no wind for explanations, answered 
 thus, expressly and briefly denoting the precise 
 posture of the case, — " An the tail break, you'll 
 see." He presently, however, got his skene dim 
 in his left hand, with which by repeated stabs he 
 laid the body of the unfortunate sow dead at 
 his feet, saved his companion from imminent 
 peril, and secured the plunder, without once 
 slackening his hold of the tail. 
 
 1159. — A Gentleman had a cask of Ami- 
 nean wine, from which his servant stole a large 
 quantity. When the master perceived the de- 
 ficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the 
 cask, but could find no traces of an opening. 
 " Look if there be not a hole in the bottom," said 
 a bystander. — " Blockhead," he replied, " do 
 you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and 
 not at the bottom." 
 
 1160. — Voltaire, in the presence of an Eng- 
 lishman, was one day enlarging with great 
 warmth in the praise of the celebrated Haller, 
 extolling him as a great poet, a great natural- 
 ist, and a man of universal attainments. The 
 Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, 
 answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de 
 Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur 
 Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no 
 means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. 
 " Alas ! " said Voltaire, with an air of philo- 
 
JOE MILLER 161 
 
 sophic indulgence, " I dare to say we are both 
 very much mistaken ! " 
 
 1161. — One Day when Sir Isaac Heard was 
 with his majesty, King George III., it was an- 
 nounced that his majesty's horse was ready to 
 start for hunting. — " Sir Isaac," said the mon- 
 arch, " are you a judge of horses? " — " In my 
 younger days, please your majesty," was the re- 
 ply, " I was a great deal among them." — " What 
 do you think of this, then? " said the king, who 
 was by this time preparing to mount his favour- 
 ite; and without waiting for an answer, added, 
 " We call him Perfection.'''' — " A most appro- 
 priate name," replied the courtly herald, bowing 
 as his majesty reached the saddle, — " for he 
 bears the best of characters! " 
 
 1162. — A Certain Colonel, who had a 
 strange humour, when he had drank a glass or 
 two too much, of firing off and playing tricks 
 with his weapons, one night having drank too 
 freely, ordered his footman, who was an Irishman 
 newly hired, to bring his pistols. Teague 
 obeyed; the colonel loaded them both, and, hav- 
 ing locked the door, commanded his man to hold 
 one of the candles at arm's length, till he snuffed 
 it with the ball. Prayers and entreaties were in 
 vain, and comply he must, and did, though 
 trembling; the colonel performed the operation 
 at the first attempt, then laying down his 
 pistols, was going to unlock the door. Teague 
 catches up thpt whieh was loaded, " Arrah, 
 maister," says he, " but I will be after having my 
 
162 JOE MILLER 
 
 shoot too." The colonel called him rogue and 
 rascal to no purpose. Teague was now vested 
 with power, and would be obeyed. Accordingly 
 his master extended the candle, but this being 
 the first time of Teague's performing, he not 
 only missed, but shot off a button from the 
 breast of the colonel's coat. So narrow an escape 
 had a good effect, and cured him of his humour 
 of turning marksman in his drink. 
 
 1163. — An Officer who was quartered in a 
 country town, being once asked to a ball, was ob- 
 served to sit sullen in a corner for some hours. 
 One of the ladies present, being desirous of rous- 
 ing him from his reverie, accosted him with, 
 " Pray, Sir, are you not fond of dancing? " — 
 " I am very fond of dancing, madam," was the 
 reply. — " Then why not ask some of the ladies 
 that are disengaged to be your partner, and 
 strike up? " — " Why, madam, to be frank with 
 you, I do not see one handsome woman in the 
 room." — " Sir, yours, et cetera," said the lady, 
 and with a slight courtesy left him, and joined 
 her companions, who asked her what had been 
 her conversation with the captain. " It was too 
 good to be repeated in prose," said she ; " lend 
 me a pencil, and I will try to give } t ou the out- 
 line in rhyme." 
 
 "So, Sir, you rashly vow and swear, 
 You'll dance with none that are not fair, 
 Suppose we women should dispense 
 Our hands to none but men of sense ; " 
 " Suppose! well, madam, prny what then?" 
 " Why, Sir, you'd never dance again." 
 
JOE MILLER 163 
 
 1164. — George II. seemed to have none of 
 that love of individual and distinct property 
 which has marked the character of many sov- 
 ereigns. His majesty came one day to Richmond 
 gardens, and, finding them locked while some 
 decently dressed persons were standing on the 
 outside, called for the head gardener, and told 
 him, in a great passion, to open the door im- 
 mediately. — " My subjects," said his majesty, 
 " walk where they please." — On another occa- 
 sion, the same gardener was complaining that 
 some of the company, in their walks round the 
 garden, had pulled up flowers, roots, and shrubs ; 
 the king, shaking his cane, replied, " Plant more 
 then, you blockhead." 
 
 1165. — The Duke of Mantua once observed 
 to the celebrated Perron, that the court - jester 
 was a fellow without either wit or humour. 
 " Your grace must pardon me," said Perron ; 
 " I think he has a great deal of wit to live by 
 a trade that he does not understand." 
 
 1166. — The Facetious Mr. Bearcroft, 
 told his friend Mr. Vansittart, " Your name is 
 such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call 
 you Van, for fcLa future." — " With all my 
 heart," said he : " by the same rule, I shall drop 
 croft, and call you Bear! " 
 
 1167. — In a Life of St. Francis Xavier, 
 written by an Italian monk, it is said, " that by 
 one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a 
 desert island! " 
 
164 JOE MILLER 
 
 1168. — Among a Company of Cheerful 
 Irishmen, in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's, 
 it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a 
 couple of fowls to him that off-hand should 
 write six lines in poetry of his own composing. 
 Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccess- 
 fully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest 
 among them thus ended the contest: 
 
 Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm, 
 
 Excuse me if I just step home; 
 
 Two lines already ! — be not cru'l, 
 
 Consider honies, I'm a fool. 
 
 There's four lines — now I'll gain the fowls, 
 
 With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls. 
 
 1169. — Dr. Johnson was so accustomed to 
 say always the exact truth, that he never con- 
 descended to give an equivocal answer to any 
 question ; of which the following is an instance, 
 as related by Mr. Northcote. — A lady of his ac- 
 quaintance once asked him how it happened that 
 he was never invited to dine at the tables of the 
 great? "He replied, " Because, madam, great 
 lords and ladies do not like to have their mouths 
 stopped ! " 
 
 1170. — The Royal Society, on the day of 
 its creation, was the whetstone of the wit of their 
 patron, Charles II. With a peculiar gravity of 
 countenance, he proposed to the assembly the 
 following question for their solution : — " Sup- 
 pose two pails of water were fixed in two differ- 
 ent scales equally poised, and which weighed 
 equally alike, and that two live bream or small 
 
JOE MILLER 165 
 
 fish, were put into either of these pails, he wanted 
 to know the reason why that pail, with such addi- 
 tion, should not weigh more than the other pail 
 which stood against it." — Every one was ready 
 to set fit quiet the royal curiosity ; but it ap- 
 peared that every one was giving a different 
 opinion. One, at length, offered so ridiculous a 
 solution, that another of the members could not 
 refrain from a loud laugh ; when the King, turn- 
 ing to him, insisted that he should give his senti- 
 ments as well as the rest. This he did without 
 hesitation, and told his majesty, in plain terms, 
 that he denied the fact. On which the King, in 
 high mirth, exclaimed, " Odds fish, brother, you 
 are in the right ! " 
 
 1171. — In a Certain Company, the conver- 
 sation having fallen on the subject of craniology, 
 and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to 
 among others, a lady suggested that this must be 
 the barrel-organ. 
 
 1172. — William Vandervelde the old, the 
 famous painter of sea-pieces, w r as so fond of his 
 art, that in order justly to observe the move- 
 ments and various positions of his ships engag- 
 ing in a sea-fight, that he might design them 
 from nature, and unite truth w T ith grandeur and 
 elegance in his compositions, he did not hesitate 
 to attend those engagements in a small light ves- 
 sel, and sail as near to his enemies as his friends, 
 attentive only to his drawing, and without the 
 least apparent anxiety for the danger to which 
 he w r as every moment exposed. Of that bold and 
 
166 JOE MILLER 
 
 dauntless disposition he gave two very convinc- 
 ing proofs before his arrival in England ; the one 
 was in that severe battle between the Duke of 
 York and Admiral Opdam, in which the Dutch 
 Admiral and 500 men were blown up — the other 
 w T as in that memorable engagement, which con- 
 tinued three days, between Admiral Monck and 
 Admiral de Ruyter. During the continuance of 
 these different engagements, Vandervelde plied 
 between the fleets, so as to represent minutely 
 every movement of the ships, and the most ma- 
 terial circumstances of the action, with incred- 
 ible exactness and truth. 
 
 1173. — Durixg the Time that martial law 
 was in force in Ireland, and the people were pro- 
 hibited from having fire-arms in their posses- 
 sion, some mischevious varlets gave information 
 that a Mr. Scanlon, of Dublin, had three mor- 
 tars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of 
 dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and 
 demanded, in the king's name, that the mortars 
 should be delivered to him. ^£p. Scanlon, a 
 respectable apothecary, immediately produced 
 them, adding, that as they were useless without 
 the pestles, these also were at his majesty's ser- 
 vice. 
 
 1174. — The Following Story was related 
 by the Nabob of Arcot to an English lady : — A 
 certain man fell asleep under a tree, whilst his 
 friend was sitting beside him. A snake came 
 down from tto hrandhes, and the friond en- 
 deavoured to kill it : but the snake said, " I will 
 
JOE MILLER 167 
 
 not depart till I have tasted of that man's blood, 
 for this purpose was I sent thither." — " Since it 
 is so," replied the friend ; " I cannot possibly 
 avert the decrees of God ; " then taking a knife, 
 he opened a vein in the man's neck, who awoke, 
 saw the knife, and the blood gushing forth, but 
 closed his eyes again and remained silent. The 
 snake drank the blood and went away. The 
 friend immediately applied to a surgeon, and 
 adopted means to stop the bleeding. Some 
 months after, a person asked this man why he 
 had been so calm, and shut his eyes when he saw 
 the bloody knife. " To this hour," he replied, 
 " I do not know the reason of that man's action ; 
 but I suppose it was for my good ; therefore I 
 would not mistrust him, nor make any inquiry 
 into the circumstance. I believe him my friend 
 — Friendship can never doubt — and to that man 
 in whom my heart confides, I will intrust my 
 body." — " This, and no less than this," said the 
 young Nabob, " we call Friendship." 
 
 1175. — Not Many Years Ago, a man was 
 hanged at a country town in Ireland for highway 
 robbery ; but his friends having taken the body 
 to a house, fancied that they discovered some 
 signs of life, and immediately applied to a sur- 
 geon, who, with considerable difficulty, succeeded 
 in restoring the man to his senses. Finding him- 
 self much annoyed by the multitude of visitors, 
 and the questions which they asked respecting 
 his short excursion to the other world, the man 
 declared that he would not gratify their curios- 
 
168 JOE MILLER 
 
 ity until each person should have paid the sum 
 of two pence. With this demand they readily 
 complied, and he very seriously informed them, 
 that at the moment when he was recalled to this 
 world by the surgeon's assistance, he had just 
 arrived at the gates of heaven, where he saw St. 
 Peter sitting with the kays in his hand. This 
 anecdote was related by the surgeon as a matter 
 of fact, to a gentleman now residing in London. 
 1176. — Francis I., that gallant prince who 
 revived literature, had the merit of restoring the 
 beard also, which had been proscribed by several 
 of his predecessors, but it was so arranged and 
 shaped as to form a new adornment to the face. 
 This resoration gave rise to the beardite and anti- 
 beardite factions. The clergy assumed the 
 beard, but it was only the court clergy. There 
 was a signal victory gained by the anti-beard- 
 ites, which deserves particular notice. William 
 Duprat coming bearded to take possession of his 
 bishopric of Clermont, the dean of the canons, 
 attended by all the chapter, stopped him at 
 the church gates, and respectfully presenting to 
 him a large pair of scissars on a silver tray, pro- 
 tested that he should neither receive homage, nor 
 be received himself, until he had repudiated his 
 beard. William yielded with a good grace, and 
 entered amidst the acclamations of the canons, 
 carrying the spoils of their bishop's chin in 
 triumph. It was under Louis XIII. that the 
 beard disappeared from the French court, never 
 to return. 
 
JOE MILLER 169 
 
 1177. — Lord Polk km kt (a lord of session) 
 invited once a member of the Scottish bar, to 
 tak a family dinner with himsel, his wife, and 
 bairns. When dinner was served up, there ap- 
 peared a joint of roast veal at the head of the 
 table ; stewed veal at the bottom ; vcal-soup in 
 the middle; \cal 9 s-head on one side of the soup, 
 and \cn\-cutlets on the other ; calf s-foot jelly be- 
 tween the veal-soup and the roast veal, and veal's 
 brains between the stewed veal and veal-soup. 
 " A r oo," quoth his lordship, in his own blunt 
 way, " Mr. H. you may very likely think this an 
 odd sort of dinner ; but ye'll no wonder when ye 
 ken the cause of it. We keep nae company, Mr. 
 H. ; and Miss B. here, my daughter, caters for 
 our table. The way we do is just this : — we kill 
 a beast, as it were to-day, and we begin to cook 
 it at one side of the head, travel down that side, 
 turn the tail, and just gang back again by the 
 other side to where we began." 
 
 1178. — A GerMxVn of the name of Klotch, 
 a very worthy man, was cook and maitre d'hotel 
 to the Empress Catherine. Though old, he was 
 a court beau, and very spruce about the head ; 
 and, being a favourite with her imperial majesty, 
 used to hand some particular dishes to her on 
 great occasions. One of the torments in high 
 northern latitudes, where the summer is so short 
 and hot, is the innumerable hosts of flies that 
 tease you. Some wags, aware of this, got the 
 old gentleman's best bag-wig, and powdered it 
 with the finest pulverized double refined white 
 
170 JOE MILLER 
 
 sugar ; so that, when he waited at table, he was 
 beset, like Pharaoh, with the worst of his plagues. 
 He beat with his hands, blew, puffed, reddened in 
 the face, and at last, no longer able to bear silently 
 the torment he endured, burst out suddenly with 
 the exclamation of " Donder and blitz vas is das 
 for a fly summer! " Her majesty, aware of the 
 trick, soothed him; and, affecting to wonder the 
 flies should exclusively level all their stings at 
 him, advised him to pull off his wig, which he re- 
 luctantly was obliged to do, and actually finished 
 his attendance in a full dress suit of embroid- 
 ered clothes, with his naked shaved head, to 
 the no small amusement of the company pres- 
 ent. 
 
 1179. — A Certain King of Spain, from 
 whom by the fate of battle a large extent of 
 territory had been taken away, nevertheless con- 
 tinued to receive from his courtiers the title of 
 Great. " His greatness," said a Spaniard, " is 
 like that of a ditch, which increases in propor- 
 tion to the ground it loses." 
 
 1180. — An Astrologer of the 15th Cen- 
 tury having foretold the death of a beautiful 
 woman, whom Louis XI. loved, and who hap- 
 pened to die according to his prediction, the king 
 was so enraged that he ordered him into his 
 presence. " You who foresee all," said Louis, 
 " tell me when you yourself shall die." The 
 man, who without being a conjuror perceived the 
 ancrer of the king, replied, " I shall die three 
 days before your majesty." Fear and supersti- 
 
JOE MILLER 171 
 
 tion got the better of resentment : and to preserve 
 his own life, Louis was very careful of that of the 
 astrologer. 
 
 1181. — A Lady, who was pressed for time in 
 the progress of some business, which was very im- 
 portant to her, and who was going to her at- 
 torney to consult with him about the proceed- 
 ings which were going on, to avoid a circuitous 
 route went in at one door of a church, during the 
 time of divine service, and passed out at the 
 other. In reply to some reproof which she re- 
 ceived for having done so, she said, " You must 
 acknowledge that I am a thorough church- 
 woman." 
 
 1182. — Charles the Sixth of France gave 
 a masquerade, in which himself and five cour- 
 tiers played the parts of satyrs ; to resemble 
 which, they were clothed in close linen habits, be- 
 smeared with rosin, and then stuck with down all 
 over. One of the company, in a frolic touched 
 one of these satyrs with a lighted torch as they 
 were dancing in a ring. The consequence was, 
 that all the six masks, or satyrs, were instantly 
 enveloped in flames ; four of the six were burnt 
 to death on the spot ; and the king never recov- 
 ered the fright and disorder occasioned by the 
 accident. 
 
 1183. — Henry the Fourth of France was 
 much enamoured of a lady who used to attend 
 the court. The Prince one day, in a gallant hu- 
 mour, said to her, " Pray, Madam, which is the 
 
172 JOE MILLER 
 
 way to your bed-room?" — "Through the 
 church," replied she. 
 
 1184. — A Very Talkative Lady received a 
 visit from a gentleman, who was introduced to 
 her as a man of great taste and learning. She, 
 in order to court his admiration, displayed her 
 knowledge and her wit with an unceasing rapid- 
 ity. Being asked her opinion of her new ac- 
 quaintance, she said she was never more charmed 
 with the company of any man. A general laugh 
 ensued ; the gentleman was dumb, and had 
 kept up the conversation only with nods and 
 smiles. 
 
 1185. — A Young Barrister, being re- 
 proached by his opponent for his extreme youth, 
 said, " It is true that I am young, but my learned 
 friend will find in the course of this trial that I 
 have read old books." 
 
 1186- — Moro, Duke of Milan, having dis- 
 played before the foreign ambassadors his mag- 
 nificence and his riches, which excelled those of 
 every other prince, said to them, " Has a man, 
 possessed of so much wealth and prosperity, any- 
 thing to desire in this world? " — " One thing 
 only," said one of them, — " a nail to fix the wheel 
 of Fortune." 
 
 1187. — Chamileart, Comptroller-general of 
 the finances in the reign of Louis XIV., had been 
 a celebrated pleader. He once lost a cause, in 
 which he was concerned, through his excessive 
 fondness for billiards. His client called on him 
 
JOE MILLER 173 
 
 the day after in extreme affliction, and told him 
 that if he had made up a document which had 
 been put into his hands, but which he had neg- 
 lected to examine, a verdict must have been 
 given in his favour. Chamillart read it, and 
 found it of decisive importance to his cause. 
 " You sued the defendant," said he, " for 
 20,000 livres. You have failed by my inad- 
 vertence. It is my duty to do you justice. Call 
 on me in two days." — In the meantime Chamil- 
 lart procured the money, and paid it to his client, 
 on no other condition than that he would keep 
 the transaction secret. 
 
 1188. — A Young Engraver just entering 
 into life, and who afterwards rose to great em- 
 inence in his profession, applied to Alderman 
 Boydcll for employment. Having never exe- 
 cuted any considerable work he had only some 
 trifling specimens of his ability to shew. The 
 alderman, however, was satisfied from them that 
 the young artist possessed abilities worthy of en- 
 couragement, and offered him a picture, if he 
 thought himself equal to it. The young man 
 undertook it, and agreed on 25 guineas as the 
 remuneration. When the plate was quite fin- 
 ished, he waited on the alderman, finally to deliver 
 it with a proof. Mr. Boydell examined so lome, 
 and as it seemed so minutely, that the artist was 
 almost apprehensive that he was not quite pleased 
 with it, and resolved to ask him ; adding, " that 
 he should be happy to make any improvement or 
 correction that Mr. Boydell might suggest." — 
 
174 JOE MILLER 
 
 " Oh no," replied the alderman, " I am extremely 
 pleased with it, and desire no alteration. It is 
 charming; and instead of 25 guineas, I shall 
 give you five and thirty : — very charming in- 
 deed — the more I look at it the more I like it ; I 
 shall give you 50 guineas." He went to his desk 
 and wrote a cheque on his banker, which he gave 
 to the artist, telling him to call on him in a few 
 days, as he had further employment for him. 
 The young man endeavoured to express his grat- 
 itude for this unexpected and munificent liber- 
 ality of his new patron ; but his speech utterly 
 failed him, when, casting his eye on the cheque 
 which he held in his hand, he found it to be for 
 One Hundred Guineas! This happy event was 
 the foundation both of his fortune and his fame. 
 
 1189. — Abbe Clerambault, who was de- 
 formed, was elected to succeed La Fontaine in 
 the French Academy. On that occasion it was 
 said that " La Fontaine was very properly suc- 
 ceeded by Esop." 
 
 1190. — One of the Countless Victims to 
 the Fonthill Epidemic, at the moment of exhibit- 
 ing that infallible incipient symptom which be- 
 trays itself in a visit to the princely mansion of 
 the Pembrokes, found his attention arrested at 
 the very entrance, by the noble equestrian statue 
 of Marcus Aurelius. After bestowing on this 
 superb effort of the sculptor's art its due degree 
 of silent admiration, he turned to a decent-look- 
 ing native who stood nigh, and inquired for 
 whom that figure was intended? " Thot ther, 
 
JOE MILLER 175 
 
 Zur? " was the reply; " iss shuer I know't — 
 'tuz Marquis O'Riley's." 
 
 1191. — Mr. Schoonhoven, an old man, 
 eighty years of age, who not long since lived in 
 the neighbourhood of Lake George, related the 
 following remarkable instance of the cruelty and 
 
 generosity of the Indians, to Mr. H , a 
 
 friend of Dr. Silliman. During the last French 
 war in America, he, with six or seven other 
 Americans, was taken prisoner by a detachment 
 of Indians, while on an excursion through the 
 wilderness between Fort William Henry on Lake 
 George, and Sandy Hill on Hudson's River, 
 where there is now a flourishing village. They 
 conducted them to a spot which now forms an 
 open place in the middle of the village, and made 
 them sit down in a row on the trunk of a tree. 
 The Indians then began, with perfect indiffer- 
 ence, to split the skulls of their victims succes- 
 sively with their tomahawks ; while the survivors 
 were compelled to witness the dreadful fate of 
 their companions, and await their own with a 
 terror not to be conceived. Mr. Schoonhoven 
 was the last but one on the opposite end of the 
 tree where the massacre had begun. His turn 
 was already come, and the murderous axe was 
 brandished over his head and ready to fall on 
 him, when the chief made a signal to put an end 
 to the murder. On this he approached Mr. 
 Schoonhoven, and said to him with composure: 
 " Do you not remember how (at a time which he 
 mentioned) while your young people were danc- 
 
176 JOE MILLER 
 
 ing, some poor Indians came up, and wished to 
 join in the dance; but your young people said, 
 4 No ; Indians shall not dance with us : ' but you 
 (for this man, it seems, recognised his features 
 just at the critical moment) said, '* the Indians 
 shall dance.' I will now shew you that Indians 
 can remember a favour." This accidental recol- 
 lection saved the life of Schoonhoven and his sur- 
 viving companion. 
 
 1192. — Ben Jonson, owing a vintner some 
 money, refrained his house ; the vintner, meeting 
 him by chance, asked him for his money; and 
 also told him if he would come to his house and 
 answer him four questions, he would forgive him 
 the debt. Ben Jonson very gladly agreed, and 
 went at the time appointed, called for a bottle of 
 claret, and drank to the vintner, praising the 
 wine at a great rate. Says the vintner, " This is 
 not our business : Mr. Jonson, answer me my four 
 questions, or else you must pay me my money, 
 or go to jail " (and he had got two bailiffs wait- 
 ing at the door to arrest him). " Pray," says 
 Ben, " propose them." — " Then," says the vint- 
 ner, "tell me, 1st, What pleases God? 2dly, 
 What pleases the devil? 3dly, What pleases the 
 world? and 4thly, What best pleases me? " — 
 " Well, 
 
 "God is best pleased when man forsakes his . c 'n; 
 The devil's best pleas'd when men persist therein; 
 The world's best pleas'd when you do draw good wine, 
 And you'll be pleas'd when I do pay for mine." 
 
 The vintner was satisfied, gave Ben a receipt 
 
JOE MILLER 177 
 
 in full, and a bottle of claret into the bar- 
 gain. 
 
 1193. — A Man, who was on the point of 
 being married, obtained from his confessor his 
 certificate of confession. Having read it, he ob- 
 served that the priest had omitted the usual pen- 
 ance. " Did you not tell me," said the con- 
 fessor, " that you were going to be married? " 
 
 1194. — Dean Jackson, passing one morning 
 through Christ-church quadrangle, met some 
 undergraduates, who walked along without cap- 
 ping. The Dean called one of them, and asked, 
 "Do you know who I am? "— " No, Sir."— 
 "How long have you been in College?" — 
 " Eight days, Sir."—" Oh, very well," said the 
 Dean, walking away, " puppies don't open their 
 eyes till the ninth day." 
 
 1195. — A Little Lawyer appearing as evi- 
 dence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigan- 
 tic counsellor, what profession he was of ; and 
 having replied that he was an attorney. " You 
 a lawyer ! " said Brief, " why I could put you in 
 my pocket." — " Very likely you may (rejoined 
 the other), and if you do, you will have more law 
 in your pocket than ever you had in your head." 
 
 1196. — The High-Bailiff of Birmingham, 
 attended by some officers of the town, goes round 
 on a market-day to examine the weight of the 
 butter, and they seize all winch is found short 
 of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally 
 stood in a particular place, having on a former 
 
178 JOE MILLER 
 
 market-day lost two pounds of butter, was seen, 
 the next time they came round, to laugh heart- 
 ily, while the officers were taking a considerable 
 quantity from a woman who stood near him. One 
 of the officers, not pleased with the fellow's want 
 of decorum, particularly in the presence of men 
 vested with such awful authority, said, " What 
 do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two 
 two pounds from you last week." — " I'll lay you 
 a guinea of it," said the countryman. — " Done," 
 replied the officer ; and immediately put a guinea 
 into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who 
 was standing at his own door. The countryman 
 instantly covered it ; and then, with a triumphant 
 grin, said, " Well done, thick head, if it had 
 been two pounds would you have taken it from 
 me? was it not for being short of weight that I 
 lost it ? " The umpire without hesitation decided 
 in his favour, to the great mortification of the 
 humble administrators of justice. 
 
 1197. — An Irishman, some years ago, at- 
 tending the University of Edinburgh, waited 
 upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the 
 German flute, desiring to know on what terms he 
 would give him a few lessons: the flute-player 
 informed him, that he generally charged two 
 guineas for the first month, and one guinea for 
 the second. " Then, by my soul," replied the 
 Hibernian, " I'll begin the second month ! " 
 
 1198. — Foote being at table next to a gen- 
 tleman who had helped himself to a very large 
 piece of bread ; he took it up and cut a piece off. 
 
JOE MILLER 179 
 
 " Sir," said the gentleman, " that is my bread." 
 — " I beg a thousand pardons, Sir," said Foote, 
 " I protest I took it for the loaf." 
 
 1199. — The Colonel of the Perthshire 
 Cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the 
 ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was 
 obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. 
 " I am," said he, " my own captain, my own lieu- 
 tenant, my own cornet," — " and trumpeter also, 
 I presume," said a certain witty duchess. 
 
 1200. — The Late Celebrated Dr. 
 Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many 
 years, but unsuccessfully ; during which time he 
 had always accustomed himself to propose her 
 health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. 
 But being observed one evening to omit it, a gen- 
 tleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to 
 toast his favourite lady. " Why, indeed," said 
 the doctor, " I find it all in vain ; I have toasted 
 her so many years and cannot make her Brown, 
 that I am determined to toast her no longer." 
 
 1201. — The Late Dr. Fowler, bishop of 
 Gloucester, and Justice Powell, had frequent al- 
 tercations on the subject of ghosts. The Bishop 
 was a zealous defender of the reality of them ; 
 the justice was somewhat sceptical. The bishop 
 one day met his friend, and the justice told him 
 that since their last conference on the subject, 
 he had ocular demonstration, which had con- 
 vinced him of the existence of ghosts. " I re- 
 joice at your conversion," replied the bishop; 
 
180 JOE MILLER 
 
 " give me the circumstance which produced it, 
 with ail the particulars. Ocular demonstration, 
 jou say? " — " Yes, my lord; as I lay last night 
 in my bed, about the twelfth hour I was awak- 
 ened by an uncommon noise, and heard some- 
 thing coming up stairs ! " — " Go on, Sir." — 
 " Fearfully alarmed at the noise, I drew my cur- 
 tain ." — " Proceed." — " And saw a faint 
 
 glimmering light enter my chamber." — " Of a 
 blue colour, was it not? " interrogated the doc- 
 tor. " Of a pale blue ! and this pale blue light 
 was followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, who 
 appeared as an old man of seventy years of age, 
 arrayed in a long light-coloured rug gown, 
 bound with a leathern girdle : his beard thick and 
 grisly ; his hair scant and straight ; his face of a 
 dark sable hue ; upon his head a large fur cap ; 
 and in his hand a long staff. Terror seized my 
 whole frame. I trembled till the bed verily 
 shook, and cold drops hung upon every limb. 
 The figure advanced with a slow and solemn 
 step." — "Did you not speak to it? there was 
 money hid, or murder committed, without 
 doubt," said the bishop. " My lord, I did speak 
 to it; I adjured it by all that was holy to tell 
 me whence, and for what purpose he thus ap- 
 peared." — " And in Heaven's name what was the 
 reply?" — "Before he deigned to speak, he 
 lifted up his staff three several times, my lord, 
 and smote the floor, even so loudly that verily the 
 strokes caused the room to reverberate the thun- 
 dering sound. He then waved the pale blue light 
 
JOE MILLER 181 
 
 which he bore in what is called a lantern, he 
 waved it even to my eyes ; and he told me, my 
 lord, he told me that he was, yes, my lord, that 
 he was not more nor less than — the watchman! 
 who had come to give me notice that my 
 street door was open, and that unless I rose 
 and shut it, I might be robbed before morning." 
 The justice had no sooner concluded, than the 
 bishop disappeared. 
 
 1202. — At Worcester Assizes, a cause was 
 tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a 
 clergyman, not educated in the school of Tat- 
 tersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused 
 in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering 
 counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted 
 to exclaim, " Pray, Sir, do you know the differ- 
 ence between a horse and a cow? " — " I acknowl- 
 edge my ignorance," replied the clergyman ; " I 
 hardly know the difference between a horse and 
 a cow, or a bully and a bull, only that a bull, I 
 am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respect- 
 fully to the counsellor, " luckily for me, has 
 none." 
 
 1203. — As Two Irish Soediers were passing 
 through Chippenham, one of them observing the 
 Borough Arms (which have somewhat the ap- 
 pearance of a hatchment) over the Town-hall 
 door, accosted his comrade with — " Arrah Pat, 
 look up, what is that sign ? " — " Botheration," 
 cries Pat, " 'tis no sign at all at all, 'tis only a 
 sign that somebody's dead that lives there." 
 
182 JOE MILLER 
 
 1204. — Some Years Ago, a German Prince 
 making the tour of Europe, stopped at Venice 
 for a short period. It was at the close of sum- 
 mer, the Adriatic was calm, the nights were 
 lovely, the Venetian women full of those delicious 
 spirits, that in their climate rise and fall with the 
 coming and departure of this finest season of the 
 year. Every day was given by this illustrious 
 stranger, to researches among the records and 
 antiquities of this singular city ; and every night 
 to parties on the Brenta or the sea. As the morn- 
 ing drew nigh, it was the custom to return from 
 the water, to sup at some of the houses of the 
 nobility. In the commencement of his inter- 
 course, all national distinctions were carefully 
 suppressed ; but as his intimacy increased, he 
 could not help observing the lurking vanity of 
 the Italians. One of its most frequent exhibi- 
 tions, was in the little dramas that wound up 
 their stately festivities. The wit was constantly 
 sharpened by some contrast between the Italian 
 and the German, some slight aspersion on Teu- 
 tonic rudeness, or some remark on the history of 
 a people untouched by the elegance of southern 
 manners. As the sarcasm was conveyed with 
 Italian grace, and the offence softened by its hu- 
 mour, it was obvious that the only retaliation 
 must be a good-natured and humourous one. 
 When the Prince was on the point of taking 
 leave, he invited his entertainers to a farewell 
 supper. He drew the conversation to the infinite 
 superiority of the Italians, and above all of the 
 
JOE MILLER 183 
 
 Venetians, acknowledged the darkness in which 
 Germany had been destined to remain so long, 
 and looked forward with infinite sorrow to the 
 comparative opinion of posterity, upon a country 
 to which so little of its gratitude must be due. 
 " But, my lords," said he, rising, " we arc an 
 emulous people, and an example like yours must 
 not be lost even upon a German. I have been 
 charmed with your dramas, and have contrived 
 a little arrangement to give you one of our coun- 
 try ; if you will condescend to follow me to the 
 great hall." The company rose and followed 
 him through the splendid suite of a Venetian 
 villa : to the hall which was fitted up as a 
 German barn. The aspect of the theatre pro- 
 duced at first universal surprise, and next a uni- 
 versal smile. It had no resemblance to the gilded 
 and sculptured saloons of their own sumptuous 
 little theatres. However, it was only so much 
 the more Teutonic. The curtain drew up — the 
 surprise rose into loud laughter, even amongst 
 the Venetians, who had been seldom betrayed into 
 anything beyond a smile for generations to- 
 gether. The stage was a temporary erection, 
 rude and uneven. The scenes represented a 
 wretched irregular street, scarcely lighted by a 
 single lamp, and looking the fit haunt for rob- 
 bery and assassination. On a narrower view, 
 some of the noble spectators began to think it 
 had a resemblance to an Italian street, and some 
 actually discovered in it one of the leading streets 
 of their own city. But the play was on a Ger- 
 
184 JOE MILLER 
 
 man story, and they were under a German roof. 
 The street, notwithstanding its similitude, was of 
 course German. The street was for a time un- 
 peopled; but at length a traveller, a German, 
 with pistols in his belt, and apparently ex- 
 hausted with fatigue, came heavily pacing along. 
 He knocked at several of the doors, but could 
 obtain no admission. He then wrapped himself 
 up in his cloak, sat down upon the fragment of 
 a monument, and thus soliloquized : — "Well, here 
 I have come, and this is my reception. All pal- 
 aces, no inns ; all nobles, and not a man to tell me 
 where I can lie down in comfort or in safety. 
 Well, it can't be helped. A German does not 
 much care, campaigning has hardened effemin- 
 acy amongst us. Loneliness is not so well unless 
 a man can labour or read. Read, that's true, 
 come out Zimmerman." He drew a volume from 
 his pocket, moved nearer to a decaying lamp, 
 and soon seemed absorbed. He had been till 
 now the only actor. Another soon shared the 
 eyes of the spectators. A tall, light figure came 
 with a kind of visionary movement from behind 
 the monument, surveyed the traveller with keen 
 curiosity, listened with apparent astonishment at 
 his words, and in another moment had fixed it- 
 self gazing over his shoulder on the volume. 
 The eyes of this singular being wandered rapidly 
 over the page, and when it was turned, they were 
 lifted up to Heaven, with the strongest expres- 
 sions of astonishment. The German was weary, 
 his head soon dropped over his book, and he 
 
JOE MILLER 185 
 
 closed it. " What," said he, rising and stretch- 
 ing himself, " is there no one stirring yet in this 
 comfortless place — is it not near day ? " He 
 took out his repeater, and touched the pendant; 
 it struck four. His mysterious attendant had 
 watched him narrowly, the repeater was eyed in 
 its turn ; but when it struck, delight with mingled 
 with the wonder that had till then filled his pale, 
 intelligent countenance. " Four o'clock," said 
 the German ; " in my country half the world 
 would be going to their day's work by this time ; 
 in another hour it will be sun-rise. Well then, 
 you nation of sleepers, I'll do you a service, and 
 make you open your eyes." He drew out one 
 of his pistols and fired it. The attendant form 
 still hovering behind him, had looked curiously 
 on the pistol ; but on its going off, it started back 
 in terror, and uttered a loud cry, that made the 
 traveller start. " Who are you? " was his greet- 
 ing to this strange intruder. " I will not hurt 
 you," was the answer. " Who care's about 
 that? " was the retort, and he pulled out the 
 other pistol. " My friend," said the figure, 
 " even that weapon of thunder and lightning 
 cannot hurt me now ; but if you would know who 
 I am, let me entreat you to satisfy my curiosity 
 a moment. You seem a man of extraordinary 
 powers." — " Well then," said the German, in a 
 gentler tone, " if you come as a friend, I shall 
 be glad to give you all the information in my 
 power: it is the custom of our country to deny 
 nothing to those who will love or learn," The 
 
186 JOE MILLER 
 
 former sighed deeply, and murmured, " And yet 
 you are a German; but you were just reading 
 a case of strange and yet most interesting fig- 
 ures: was it a manuscript?" — "No, it was a 
 printed book." — " Printing, what is printing? 
 I never heard but of writing." — " It is an art 
 by which one man can give to the world in one 
 day, as much as three hundred could give by 
 writing, and in a character of superior clearness 
 and beauty ; by which, books are universal, and 
 literature eternal." — " Admirable, glorious 
 art ! " said the inquirer, " who was its illustrious 
 inventor? " — " A German ! " — " But, another 
 question, I saw you look at a most curious instru- 
 ment, traced with figures, it sparkled with dia- 
 monds ; but its greatest wonder was its sound. It 
 gave the hour with miraculous exactness, and the 
 sounds were followed with tones superior to the 
 sweetest music of my day." — " That was a re- 
 peater ! " — " How ! when I had the luxuries of 
 the world at my command, I had nothing better 
 to tell the hour with, than a clepsydra, or a sun- 
 dial. But this must be invaluable, from its fa- 
 cility of being carried about. It must be an ad- 
 mirable guide even to higher knowledge. All 
 depends upon the exactness of time. It may 
 assist navigation, astronomy. What an inven- 
 tion ! whose was it? he must be more than hu- 
 man."—" He was a German ! "— " What, still a 
 barbarian ! I remember his nation : I once saw 
 a legion of them marching towards Rome — they 
 were a bold and brave blue-eyed troop — the 
 
JOE MILLER 187 
 
 whole city poured out to sec them ; but we looked 
 on them as so many gallant savages. I have 
 only one more question to ask you. I saw you 
 raise your hand, with a small truncheon in it; 
 in a moment something rushed out, that seemed 
 a portion of the fire of the clouds. Were those 
 thunder and lightning that I saw? Did they 
 come at your command? Was that truncheon 
 a talisman, and are you a mighty magician? 
 Was that truncheon a sceptre, commanding the 
 elements? Are you a god?" The strange in- 
 quirer had drawn back gradually, as his feelings 
 rose. His curiosity was now turned into solemn 
 wonder, and he stood gazing upwards, in an atti- 
 tude expressive of mingled awe and astonishment. 
 The German felt the sensation of a superior 
 presence growing on himself, as he looked on the 
 fixed countenance of this mysterious being. It 
 was in that misty blending of light and darkness, 
 which the moon leaves as it sinks just before 
 morn. There was a single hue of pale grey in 
 the East that tinged the stranger's visage, with 
 a chill light; the moon resting broadly on the 
 horizon, was setting behind, and the figure 
 seemed as if standing in the orb ; its arms were 
 lifted towards heaven, and the light came 
 through between them, with the mild splendour 
 of a vision. But the German, habituated to the 
 vicissitudes of " perils by flood and field," shook 
 off his brief alarm, and proceeded calmly to ex- 
 plain the source of the miracle. He gave a 
 slight detail of the machinery of the pistol, and 
 
188 Joe miller 
 
 alluded to the history of gunpowder. " It must 
 be a mighty instrument in the hands of man, 
 either for good or ill," said the form. " How it 
 must change the nature of war ! By whom was 
 this wondrous secret revealed to the treaders 
 upon earth? " — " A German." The form seemed 
 suddenly to enlarge — its feebleness of voice w r as 
 gone — its attitude was irresistibly noble. Be- 
 fore it had uttered a word, it looked as made to 
 persuade and command ; its outer robe had been 
 flung away; it now stood with an antique dress 
 of brilliant white, gathered in many folds, and 
 edged in a deep border of purple ; a slight 
 wreath, like laurel, of a dazzling green, was on 
 its brow ; it looked like the Genius of Eloquence. 
 " Stranger," said he, pointing to the Appenincs, 
 which were beginning to be marked with twi- 
 light, " eighteen hundred years have passed away 
 since I was the glory of all beyond those moun- 
 tains. I was then triumphant, and was honoured 
 as the great leading mind of the intellectual em- 
 pire of the world : but I knew nothing of these 
 things; I was a child to you. Has not Italy 
 been still the mistress of the mind? Shew me 
 her noble inventions. I must soon sink into the 
 earth — let me learn still to love my country." 
 The listener started back, exclaiming, " Who, 
 and what are y©u?" — "I am the spirit of an 
 ancient Roman. Shew me by the love of a 
 patriot, what Italy now sends out to enlighten 
 mankind." The German looked embarrassed ; 
 but, in a moment after, he heard the sound of a 
 
JOE MILLER 189 
 
 pipe and tabor. He pointed in silence to the 
 narrow street from whence the interruption 
 came ; a ragged figure tottered out, with a bar- 
 rel-organ at his back, a frame of puppets in his 
 hand, a hurdy-gurdy round his neck, and a 
 string of dancing dogs in his train. The spirit 
 uttered, with a sigh, "Is this Italy?" The 
 German bowed his head. The showman began 
 his cry — " Rarce show, fine rarec show against 
 the wall ! Fine, Madam Catalini dance upon de 
 ground. Who come for de galantee show? " 
 The organ struck up, the dogs danced, the Ital- 
 ian capered round them. The spirit raised his 
 broad gaze to Heaven — " These the men of my 
 country ! these the poets, the orators, the patriots 
 of mankind ! What scorn and curse has fallen 
 upon them ! " As he gazed, tears suddenly suf- 
 fused his eyes ; a sunbeam struck across the spot 
 where he stood ; a purple mist rose around him, 
 and he was gone. — The Venetians, with one ac- 
 cord, started from their scats and rushed out of 
 the hall. The Prince and his suite had pre- 
 viously arranged everything for leaving the city, 
 and were beyond the Venetian territory before 
 sunrise. Another night in Venice, and they 
 would have been on their way to the other world. 
 1205. — Coijtmbus speaking with great hu- 
 mility of his discovery of America, some of the 
 company spoke in very deprecatinc 1 terms of the 
 expedition. " There is no more difficulty," re- 
 plied Columbus, " than in putting this egg on 
 its end." They tried the experiment, and all 
 
190 JOE MILLER 
 
 failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, 
 set it upright. The Company sneered at the 
 contrivance. " Thus," observed Columbus, " a 
 thing appears very easy after it is done." 
 
 1206. — Three Graziers at a fair left their 
 money with their hostess, while they went to 
 transact their business. A short time after, one 
 of them returned, and under pretence that they 
 had occasion for the whole money, received it 
 from the hostess, and made his escape with it. 
 The other two sued the woman for delivering 
 that which she had received from the three, be- 
 fore the three came and demanded it. The cause 
 was tried, and a verdict found against the 
 woman ; when Mr. Noy, then making his first ap- 
 pearance at the bar, wished to be feed by her, 
 because he could not plead without it. He then 
 moved an arrest of judgment, that he was re- 
 tained by the defendant, and that the case was 
 this : the defendant had received the money of 
 the three together, and confesses she was not to 
 deliver it until the same three demanded it, and 
 therefore the money is ready — let the three men 
 come, and it shall be paid ; (which as one of them 
 had run away was impossible.) This motion 
 altered the whole course of proceeding and first 
 brought Mr. Noy into notice. 
 
 1207. — Sir Gilbert Heathcote was very 
 intimate with Sir Robert Walpole, and one even- 
 ing being at the minister's house, he was asked, 
 as usual, what he chose for supper, to which he 
 answered, " beefsteaks and oyster sauce." After 
 
JOE MILLER 191 
 
 spending an agreeable hour or two in conversa- 
 tion over a bottle, Sir Gilbert rose to take his 
 leave, but seeing the hall lined with servants, he 
 turned round to Sir Robert, and asked him which 
 of them he was to pay for his beef-steak? Sir 
 Robert took the hint, and ordered the servants 
 to withdraw. 
 
 1208. — The Vicar of Bray, in Berkshire, 
 being a Papist under the reign of Henry VIII. , 
 and a Protestant under Edward VI., a Papist 
 again under Queen Mary, and a Protestant in the 
 reign of Queen Elizabeth, was reproached as the 
 scandal of his gown, by turning so often from 
 one religion to another. " I cannot help that," 
 said the vicar, " for if I changed my religion, 
 I am sure I kept true to my principle, which is — 
 To live and die Vicar of Bray" 
 
 1209. — Soon After Dr. Porteus, the late 
 Bishop of London, was advanced to the metro- 
 politan see, he went to court, where his majesty 
 addressed him in French, which the prelate not 
 understanding, the king then spoke to him in 
 Italian, with which language he was likewise un- 
 acquainted. " What, my lord ! " said the king, 
 " don't you understand the polite languages ? " 
 — " Oh, my liege," replied the bishop, " the ac- 
 quisition is not necessary, as the devil is as much 
 mortified by a reproof in plain English, as any 
 other dialect." 
 
 1210. — Lord Nelson, shortly after the loss 
 of his arm, went to St. James's, accompanied by 
 
192 JOE MILLER 
 
 Captain Berry, when the King, with his usual 
 suavity, lamented the gallant admiral's wound, 
 observing, he was sorry to see he had lost his 
 right arm. " But not my right hand," replied 
 Nelson, presenting Captain Berry to his 
 majesty. 
 
 1211. — Lord Nelson, when about eight 
 years old, and on a visit with his grandmother 
 at Hilborough, was invited by another boy to 
 go bird's-nesting. As he did not return at the 
 usual dinner hour, the old lady became alarmed, 
 and dispatched messengers different ways to 
 search after him. The young ramblers at length 
 were discovered under a hedge, counting the 
 spoils of the day, and the young Horatio was 
 brought home. His relation began to scold him 
 for being absent without her leave, and concluded 
 with saying, " I wonder fear did not drive you 
 home." Horatio innocently replied, " Madam, 
 I never saw fear." 
 
 1212. — Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for 
 his elegant repartee, being in company with the 
 beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, " Are 
 we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your 
 grace's society in Edinburgh ? " — " Oh ! " said 
 she, " Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it." 
 — " Madam," replied the gallant barrister, " the 
 sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, 
 I won't rise to-day." 
 
 12LS. — Sergeant Maynard, an eminent 
 counsellor, waiting with the body of the law 
 
JOE MILLER 193 
 
 upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King 
 William) on his arrival in London, the prince 
 took notice of his great age, the sergeant then 
 being near ninety. " Sir," said he, " you have 
 outlived all the men of the law of your younger 
 years." — " I should have outlived even the law 
 itself," replied the sergeant, " if your highness 
 had not arrived." 
 
 1214. — Two Legal Characters of great 
 respectability, who were, more remarkable for 
 professional learning and judgment than knowl- 
 edge of the habits and manners of fashionable 
 life, were present at the festival given by the 
 Prince Regent, (in honour of his royal father's 
 birthday — King George III.) at Carlton House, 
 but their wigs, and the whole of their attire, gave 
 them so grotesque an aspect, that the Prince 
 asked Mr. Jekyll (his solicitor-general) if he 
 had noticed his brethren ? " Yes," said the wag ; 
 " but I cannot help thinking that they have mis- 
 taken the nature of your royal highness's enter- 
 tainment, and supposed that it was to be a mas- 
 querade." One of the legal sages, who heard 
 this observation, immediately, said, " I perceive 
 that your royal highness's court is in the old 
 style, with a jester." 
 
 1215. — During the Time of Cromwell, by 
 unjust dealing and monopoly, a great scarcity 
 having taken place in a plentiful year; Oliver, 
 knowing there was a great quantity of ^rain in 
 the country, took the following method to find 
 out and punish the rogues in grain. He, in 
 
194 JOE MILLER 
 
 consequence, offered a premium of one thousand 
 pounds to him who should bring the greatest 
 quantity of grain to market on a certain day ; 
 upon which immense quantities were produced ; 
 but one man above all the rest produced far the* 
 greater quantity. Cromwell immediately or- 
 dered him to be paid the reward ; and producing 
 a rope, told him he would give him an halter into 
 the bargain, and ordered the monopolizer to be 
 hanged. 
 
 1216. — A Certain Member of Parliament 
 having heard many speeches in the house, to the 
 great applause of the speaker, grew ambitious 
 of rival glory by his oratory ; and accordingly 
 watched for a favourable opportunity to open. 
 At length an occasion presented itself: it was 
 on a motion being made in the house for enforc- 
 ing the execution of some statute ; on which pub- 
 lic-spirited motion, the orator in embryo rose 
 solemnly up, and, after giving three loud hems, 
 spoke as follows : — " Mr. Speaker — have we 
 laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, 
 and they are not observed, to what end were 
 those laws made? " So saying, he sat himself 
 down, his chest heaving high with conscious con- 
 sequence ; when another rose up, and delivered 
 his thoughts in these words : — " Mr. Speaker — 
 did the honourable gentleman who spoke last, 
 speak to the purpose, or not speak to the pur- 
 pose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to 
 what purpose did he speak ? " Which apropos 
 reply set the whole house in such a fit of laugh- 
 
JOE MILLER 195 
 
 ter, as discouraged the young orator from ever 
 attempting to speak again. 
 
 1217. — Two Irish Porters meeting in Dub- 
 lin, one addressed the other with " Och, Thady, 
 my jewel, is it you? are you just come from Eng- 
 land? Pray did you see anything of our old 
 friend, Pat Murphy ? "— « The devil a sight," 
 replied he, " and what's worse I'm afraid I never 
 shall."— "How so?"— " Why, he met with a 
 very unfortunate accident lately." — " Amazing ! 
 What was it? " — " O, indeed, nothing more than 
 this ; as he was standing on a plank, talking de- 
 voutly to a priest, at a place in London which 
 I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank sud- 
 denly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck 
 broke. 
 
 1218. — King John being shewn a stately 
 monument erected over the grave of a nobleman 
 who had rebelled against him, and being advised 
 to deface it, answered, " No, no, I wish all my 
 enemies were as honourably buried." 
 
 1219. — One Day James the Second, in the 
 middle of his courtiers, made use of this asser- 
 tion : " 1 never knew a modest man make his way 
 at court." To this observation one of the gen- 
 tlemen present boldly replied : " And please your 
 majesty, whose fault is that?" The king was 
 struck, and remained silent. 
 
 1220. — Burke had once risen in the House 
 of Commons, with some papers in his hand, on 
 the subject of which he intended to make a mo- 
 
19o JOE MILLEK 
 
 lion ; when a rough-hewn member readily started 
 up, and said — " Mr. Speaker, I hope the honour- 
 able gentleman does not mean to read that large 
 bundle of papers, and to bore us with a long 
 speech into the bargain." Mr. Burke was so 
 swollen, or rather so nearly suffocated w T ith rage 
 as to be incapable of utterance, and absolutely 
 ran out of the House. George Selwyn re- 
 marked it was the only time he had ever seen the 
 fable realized — " A Lion put to flight by the 
 braying of an Ass." 
 
 1221. — Lord Galloway was an enemy to the 
 Bute administration. At the change of the min- 
 istry he came to London for the first time in the 
 late King's reign. He was dressed in black, in 
 a very uncourtly style. When he appeared at 
 the levee, the eyes of the company were turned 
 on him ; and George Selwyn, being asked who he 
 was, replied, " A Scotch undertaker, come to 
 bury the last administration." 
 
 1222. — In one of those social parties, which 
 sometimes take place even among the great at 
 the west end of the town, where mirth and inno- 
 cent amusement occupy the place of ceremony, 
 a young lady, who had been a pupil of Dr. 
 Spurzheim, was instructing the company with 
 her observations on their heads. At length it 
 came to the turn of the great Captain of the 
 Age to have his head examined ; which done, the 
 lady's opinion was demanded. She hesitated, 
 blushed, but said nothing. — " Come," said his 
 Grace, " don't be afraid, my young friend, to 
 
JOE MILLER 197 
 
 declare what you think." — " Why then," said 
 the lady? " since I must speak, your Grace is de- 
 ficient in that organ, which I, in common with all 
 the world, know you possess in the highest de- 
 gree — Gall's doctrines must fall at once." — 
 " No, Madam," said the Duke, " you mean cour- 
 age, and I assure you, your doctrine receives 
 confirmation, not refutation, from the head you 
 have examined. I have no courage, and never 
 had in a physical sense, and that, which I trust 
 I do possess, is altogether the effect of reason 
 
 1223. — The Rev. Dr. P., visiting a country 
 clergyman, requested permission to preach to his 
 congregation, which his friend consented to, on 
 condition that he adapted the language of his 
 sermon to the illiterate capacities of his parish- 
 ioners, and that he used no hard words. After 
 the sermon was over, Dr. P. asked his friend 
 whether he had not strictly observed the condi- 
 tions? The other replied that he had used sev- 
 eral words beyond the comprehension of his 
 hearers, and instanced the word felicity, for 
 which he would have substituted happiness. Dr. 
 P. contended that one word was as plain as the 
 other; and, to prove it, proposed calling in the 
 ploughman, and putting it to him, which was 
 done. " Well, Robin, do you know the meaning 
 of the word felicity? "— " Ees, Sir," said Robin, 
 scratching his head and endeavouring to look 
 wise, " ees, I thinks as how I does." — " Well, 
 Robin, speak up." — " Wy, Sir, I doesn't dis- 
 
198 JOE MILLER 
 
 actly, but I think's it's somc'at inside of a 
 pig." 
 
 1224. — General Laborie, in conversation 
 with Count Lehrbach and Field-Marshal Lasnes, 
 at the French advanced posts, while the conven- 
 tion of Hohenlinden was preparing, made some 
 allusions to the want of dignity which a great 
 nation exhibits in making war in the pay of a 
 foreign power.- — " How ! " observed the Aus- 
 trian, " the emperor is in no one's pay." — " But 
 you received subsidies from England." — " No," 
 said Count Lehrbach, with vehemence, " it is a 
 loan." — " Yes," replied Laborie sarcastically, 
 " and you pay the interest with legs and arms." 
 
 1225. — Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in 
 his manner of drawing characters. He once 
 sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for 
 being always in a hurry, with a message of great 
 importance; but the servant returned, and told 
 his master that the gentleman was in so great a 
 hurry he could not speak to him. " It is no 
 more than what I expected," says Tom, " for 
 he loses an hour in the morning, and runs after 
 it all day." 
 
 1226. — A Commercial Traveller one day, 
 at a country inn, was boasting somewhat extrava- 
 gantly of the very extensive nature of the trans- 
 actions in which he had the honour to be con- 
 cerned. Amongst other proofs of the truth of 
 his representations, he stated to his fellow-travel- 
 lers, that " his house paid upwards of 300Z. per 
 
JOE MILLER 199 
 
 annum for the article of writing-ink only, to be 
 used in their counting-house, and other offices!" 
 — "Oh!" replies a traveller in a different line 
 of business, " that's a mere flea-bite to the busi- 
 ness done by our house; do you know," he con- 
 tinued, " that during the last twelvemonths we 
 have saved, in that article alone, no less a sum 
 than 2,000/. by merely omitting the dots to our 
 r.v, and the crosses to our f's." 
 
 1227. — A Shoemaker once disappointed 
 Dean Swift, by not bringing a pair of shoes at 
 the promised time, and excused himself by say- 
 ing he had forgotten to do so. The Dean ap- 
 peared satisfied, asked him into his garden, and 
 after a few turns left him on some pretence, 
 locked the garden door, and put the key in his 
 pocket. The shoemaker soon began to grow 
 very cold and impatient. No attention, how- 
 ever, was paid him until night-fall, when he be- 
 gan to roar most lustily. The Dean, armed w T ith 
 a blunderbuss, and accompanied by all his ser- 
 vants, rushed out to the garden, and inquired, 
 *' Who's there? " in a voice of thunder. The 
 shoemaker replied it was he. " Good God ! 
 
 Mr. ," said the Dean, " how long have you 
 
 been here? " — " Six hours," rejoined the shoe- 
 maker. — " My dear Sir," said the Dean, " I beg 
 your pardon, but I quite forgot you — as you 
 forgot the shoes." 
 
 1228. — The Abbe Maury, who had rendered 
 himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the 
 French Revolution, was one night seized by the 
 
5200 JOE MILLER 
 
 mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to sus- 
 pend him on : " Pray, my good friends," said 
 the Abbe, " were you to hang me to that lamp, 
 do you think that you would see the clearer for 
 it? " This well-timed wit softened the rabble 
 more effectually than the dialectics of Ramus, 
 and saved his life. 
 
 1229. — The Sallies of Heroes are admired 
 only when they are attended with success, — 
 " Thou bearest Caesar and his fortune " — but if 
 Csesar had been drowned? "So would I, if I 
 were Parmenio " — but if Alexander had been 
 beaten ? " Take these rags and bring them to 
 me in St. James's palace " — but Charles Edward 
 was defeated. 
 
 1230. — A Wit asked a countryman at what 
 time he most enjoyed himself? " In winter," 
 replied he, " when I sleep in the chimney-corner 
 after supper." " Then you are of swinish de- 
 scent," said the wit, " for they sleep after meals." 
 — " Pray," said the fellow, " what time do you 
 wags enjoy most? " — " May," replied the other. 
 " Very well," cried the fellow, " your kin is clear 
 enough, for my ass likes that part of the yoar 
 best." 
 
 1231. — The Discontent of the French 
 troops in Egypt happily vented itself in sarcas- 
 tic jokes: this is the humour which always bears 
 a Frenchman through difficulties. They had a 
 great spite at General Caffarelli, whom they be- 
 lieved to have been one of the promoters of the 
 
JOE MILLER 201 
 
 expedition. CafFarelli had a wooden leg, having 
 lost one of his limbs on the banks of the Rhine ; 
 and whenever the soldiers saw him hobbling past, 
 they would say, loud enough for him to hear — 
 " That fellow docs not care what happens ; he is 
 certain at all events to have one leg in France." 
 1232. — The Ambassadors sent from Flor- 
 ence to France passing through Milan, paid a 
 visit of ceremony to the Duke Barnabo, who ask- 
 ing them who they were, they answered, " Citi- 
 zens and ambassadors of Florence, if it please 
 your highness." Being graciously received, 
 they proceeded on their journey; and when they 
 came to Yercelli it was started that the expression 
 used to the duke was improper, for they were 
 certainly citizens and ambassadors of Florence, 
 whether it pleased his highness or not. After 
 much deliberation, they agreed to return to 
 Milan, and retract that, expression, as derogatory 
 to their embassy. Coming to the duke's pres- 
 ence the elder spoke thus : " Prince, when he came 
 to Vercelli, we recollected to have said, ' That 
 we were citizens and ambassadors of Florence, 
 if it pleases your highness,' which was a wrong 
 expression ; for we are citizens and ambassadors 
 of Florence, whether it please your highness or 
 not." — Barnabo, laughing, answered, " Now I 
 know you to be what I supposed, grave men, and 
 xvise." 
 
 1233. — Charles V. going to see the new 
 cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a 
 peasant who was carrying a sucking pig, and 
 
202 JOE MILLER 
 
 whose cries were so disagreeable to the emperor, 
 that, after many expressions of impatience, he 
 said to the peasant, " My friend, do you not 
 know how to silence a sucking pig? " The poor 
 man said, modestly, that he really did not, and 
 should be happy to learn. " Take it by the 
 tail," said the emperor. The peasant finding 
 this succeed upon trial, turned to the emperor, 
 and said, " Faith, friend, you must have been 
 longer at the trade than me, for you understand 
 it better." An answer which furnished repeated 
 laughter to Charles and his court. 
 
 1234. — A Curate of great learning and 
 merit, but without any prospect of preferment, 
 found an opportunity of preaching before 
 Bishop Hough, who was so well pleased with his 
 discourse and manner of delivery, that after ser- 
 vice he sent his compliments to him, desiring to 
 know his name, and where .his living was. " My 
 duty to his lordship," replied the clergyman, 
 " and tell him my name is Lewis ; that living I 
 have none; but my starving is in Wales." This 
 smart answer did not displease the good bishop, 
 who some time after presented him to a valuable 
 benefice. 
 
 1235. — Theophrastus said to one who was 
 silent in company, " If you are a fool, you do 
 wisely ; if you are wise, you do foolishly." 
 
 1236. — Cardinal d'Este having been in- 
 strumental in raising Sixtus V. to the papacy, 
 and not finding himself consulted in matters of 
 
JOE MILLER 203 
 
 government, reproached him one day, saying, 
 " But for me you had not been pope." Sixtus 
 answered, " If you made me pope, let me be 
 pope. I shall never be so while I am governed 
 by another." 
 
 1237. — Salezzo de Pedrada praising an 
 old lady for her beauty, she answered, that 
 beauty was incompatible with her age. To 
 which Salezzo replied, " We say as beautiful as 
 an angel, and yet the angels are, of all creatures, 
 the most ancient." 
 
 1238. — When Xerxes wrote to Leonidas to 
 surrender his arms, he only replied, " Come and 
 take them." 
 
 1239. — Mrs. Barbauld being on a visit to 
 the university of Oxford, in company with a very 
 stupid young nobleman, who acted as Cicerone 
 at one of the colleges, it was observed by a person 
 who knew both the parties, how unfortunate she 
 was in her conductor. " Not at all," said a gen- 
 tleman present, " Minerva, you know, was always 
 attended by an owl." 
 
 1240. — Old Astley, one evening, when his 
 band was playing an overture, went up to the 
 horn players, and asked why they were not play- 
 ing. They said they had twenty bars rest. 
 " Rest ! " says he, " I'll have nobody rest in my 
 company ; I pay you for playing, not for rest- 
 ing." 
 
 1241. — Mr. Moore, having been long under 
 a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor 
 
204 JOE MILLER 
 
 called on him one day whilst he was composing 
 the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor hav- 
 ing sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, 
 being all he had written, by which the man of 
 law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, 
 " Good God ! can you add to this couple's dis- 
 tress in the last act? " — " Oh! very easily," said 
 the poet, " I intend to put them in the Spiritual 
 Court." 
 
 1242. — Macklin, the Player, once going to 
 one of the fire offices to insure some property, 
 was asked by the clerk how he would please to 
 have his name entered. " Entered," replied the 
 veteran, " why, I am only plain Charles Mack- 
 lin, a vagabond by act of parliament; but, in 
 compliment to the times, you may set me down 
 Charles Macklin, Esq., as they are now synony- 
 mous terms." 
 
 1243. — An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, 
 but was very brave, when another had, in a long 
 and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got 
 up, and said, " Men of Athens, all that he has 
 said, I will do." 
 
 1244. — When Pope Clement XIV. (Gan- 
 ganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassa- 
 dors of the different states waited on him with 
 congratulations: when they were introduced, 
 they bowed, and he returned the compliment by 
 bowing likewise ; the master of ceremonies told 
 his holiness he should not have returned their 
 salute ; " O, I beg your pardon," said the good 
 
JOE MILLER 205 
 
 pontiff, " I have not been pope long enough to 
 forget good manners." 
 
 1245. — When Lord Howe was captain of 
 the Magnanime, a negro sailor on board was or- 
 dered to be flogged. Everything being pre- 
 pared, and the ship's company assembled to see 
 the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made a 
 long address to the culprit on the enormity of 
 his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue, 
 and having his back exposed to the cold, ex- 
 claimed, " Massa, if you floggee, floggee ; or if 
 you preachce, preachee; but no preachee and 
 floggee too! " 
 
 1246. — Ned Shuter was often very poor, 
 and being still more negligent than poor, was 
 careless about his dress. A friend overtaking 
 him one day in the street, said to him, " Why, 
 Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the street? 
 with twenty holes in your stockings ? why don't 
 you get them mended? " — " No, my friend," 
 said Ned, " I am above it; and if you have the 
 pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and 
 walk with twenty holes rather than have one 
 darn." — " How, how," replied the other, " how 
 do you make that out? " — " Why," replied Ned, 
 " a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn 
 is premeditated poverty.'" 
 
 1247. — About the Year 1715, when Dr. 
 Hallcv's scheme of the great solar eclipse, which 
 foretold the precise time of its beginning and 
 ending, was cried about the streets of London, 
 
206 JOE MILLER 
 
 there happened to be a Turkish envoy here, who 
 at first thought the people distracted, for pre- 
 tending to know so very exactly when the Al- 
 mighty would totally overshadow the sun, a cir- 
 cumstance of which the Mussulmans were igno- 
 rant. He concluded that God would never re- 
 veal so great a secret to infidels, and keep it con- 
 cealed from the true believers. However, when 
 the eclipse came actually to pass, as had been 
 predicted, Lord Forfar asked his excellency what 
 he now thought of the English mathematicians? 
 His answer was, " They must certainly have ob- 
 tained their intelligence from the devil; for he 
 was sure that God would never correspond with 
 such a wretched set of unbelievers as the English 
 astronomers." 
 
 1248. — Louis XII. being at his castle of 
 Plassey, near Tours, went one evening into the 
 kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. 
 The lad had something in his countenance which 
 prepossessed the king in his favour, and he de- 
 manded who he was. The boy, not knowing the 
 king, replied, with honest simplicity, that " his 
 name was Stephen — that he came from Berri — ■ 
 and that he gained as much as the king." — ■ 
 " How much gains the king? " demanded Louis, 
 with some degree of astonishment. " His ex- 
 penses" answered the boy, " and I gain mine." 
 This answer so much pleased the monarch, that 
 he took the lad under his protection, and ap- 
 pointed him his valet-de-chambre. 
 
 1249. — The Late Marquis of Granby hav- 
 
JOE MILLER 207 
 
 ing returned from the army in Germany, trav- 
 elled with all possible expedition from the Eng- 
 lish port at which he landed to London, and find- 
 ing on his arrival that the king was at Windsor, 
 lie proceeded there in his travelling-dress; where 
 desiring to be instantly introduced to his 
 majesty, there came a certain lord, neat and trim 
 dressed, gay, and perfumed like a milliner, who, 
 in the style of a waiting gentlewoman, said, he 
 hoped to God the noble marquis did not mean to 
 go into the presence of his majesty in so im- 
 proper a habit, adding, " 'Pon my honour, my 
 lord, you look more like a groom than a gentle- 
 man." — " Perhaps I may," replied the marquis, 
 " and I give you my word, if you do not intro- 
 duce me to the king this instant, I will act like a 
 groom, and curry you in a way you won't like." 
 1250. — Dr. Franklin's peculiar talent w T as 
 that of illustrating subjects by opposite anec- 
 dotes. When he was agent here for the province 
 of Pennsylvania, he was frequently applied to 
 by the ministry for his opinion respecting the 
 operation of the stamp act ; but his answer was 
 uniformly the same, " that the people of America 
 would never submit to it." After the news of 
 the destruction of the stamped papers had ar- 
 rived in England, the ministry again sent for the 
 doctor to consult with; and in conclusion offered 
 this proposal, " That if the Americans would 
 engage to pay for the damage done in the de- 
 struction of the stamped paper, &c, the parlia- 
 ment would then repeal the act." The doctor, 
 
208 JOE MILLER 
 
 having paused upon this question for sometime, 
 at last answered it as follows : — " This puts me 
 in mind of a Frenchman, who, having heated a 
 poker red hot, ran furiously into the street, and 
 addressing the first Englishman he met there, 
 4 Hah ! Monsieur voulez-vous give me de 
 plaisir, de satisfaction, to let me run this poker 
 only one foot into your body ? ' — ' My body ! ' 
 replied the Englishman : 4 what do you mean ? ' 
 — ' Vel den, only so far,' marking about six 
 inches. 'Are you mad?' returned the other; 
 4 I tell you, if you don't go about your business, 
 I'll knock you down.' — ' Vel den,' said the 
 Frenchman, softening his voice and manner: 
 ■ vil you, my good sire, only be so obliging as 
 to pay me for the trouble and expense of heating 
 this poker? ' " 
 
 1251. — At the Battle of Dettingen, 
 George II., who commanded in person, rode on a 
 very unruly horse, which at one period ran away 
 with him to a very considerable distance, until 
 Ensign Trapand, afterwards general, seized the 
 bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, 
 " Now that I am on my legs, I am sure that I shall 
 not run away." At the same battle, the Gens 
 d'armes, the flower of the French army, made a 
 desperate charge on the British line opposed to 
 them, and were repulsed. In their retr< it they 
 were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and pushed 
 irto the river. Some years after, at a review 
 of the above regiment, his majesty, after ap- 
 plauding their appearance, turned to the French 
 
JOE MILLER 209 
 
 ambassador, and asked him his opinion of the 
 regiment, adding, in his exulting manner, that 
 they were the best troops in the world. The 
 ambassador replied, " Has your majesty ever 
 seen the Gens d'armes? " — " No," rejoined the 
 king, " but my Greys have." 
 
 1252. — A Cause was once tried in one of the 
 western counties which originated in a dispute 
 about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occa- 
 sion the judge observed, " that it was the first 
 time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair 
 of breeches.*' 
 
 1253. — The Late Earl of Rochester, 
 whose brilliant wit and talents rendered him so 
 distinguished in the court of Charles II. and 
 who, during a temporary disgrace with his sov- 
 sovereign, made himself a mighty favourite 
 with the lower orders, by his exhibitions, 
 under the mask of an Italian mountebank, 
 on Tower-hill, felt so much diffidence in the 
 House of Lords, that he was never able to 
 address them. It is said, that having fre- 
 quently attended, he once essayed to make a 
 speech, but was so embarrassed that he was un- 
 able to proceed. " My lords," said he, " I rise 
 this time — my lords, I divide my discourse into 
 four branches." Here he faltered for some 
 time ; at length he was able to add, " My lords, 
 if ever I rise again in this house, I give you 
 leave to cut me off, root and branch, forever." 
 He then sat down, to the astonishment of all 
 present. 
 
210 JOE MILLER 
 
 1254. — When the Archbishop of York 
 sent Ben Jonson an excellent dish of fish from 
 his table, but without drink, he said — 
 
 " In a dish came fish 
 From the arch-bis- 
 Hop was not there, 
 Because there was no beer." 
 
 1255. — In a Debate, one evening, on the 
 justice and expediency of making some altera- 
 tion in the ecclesiastical constitution of this coun- 
 try, for the relief of tender consciences, Doctor 
 Gordon, fellow of Emanuel College, and after- 
 wards precentor of Lincoln, an avowed Tory in 
 religious politics, when vehemently opposing the 
 arguments of Mr. Jebb, a strenuous supporter 
 of all such improvements, exclaimed, with his 
 usual heat ; — " You mean, Sir, to impose upon 
 us a new church government."—" You are mis- 
 taken, Sir," said Paley, who was present, — 
 " Jebb only wants to ride his own horse, not to 
 force you to get up behind him." 
 
 1256. — It is said that Sir Isaac Newton did 
 once in his life go a wooing, and, as was to be ex- 
 pected, had the greatest indulgence paid to his 
 little peculiarities, which ever accompany a great 
 genius. Knowing that he was fond of smoking, 
 the lady assiduously provided him with a pipe, 
 and they were seated as if to open the business 
 of (\ipid. Sir Isaac smoked a few whiffs — 
 seemed at a loss for something — whiffed again — 
 and at last drew his chair near to the lady ' a 
 pause of some minutes ensued ; lie seemed a little 
 
JOE MILLER 81! 
 
 uneasy; "Oh the timidity of sonic!" thought 
 the lady — when, lo ! Sir Isaac had got hold of 
 her hand. The lady cast her eyes down towards 
 the floor, and the palpitations began : he will kiss 
 it, thought she, no doubt, and then the matter 
 will be settled. Sir Isaac whiffed with redoubled 
 fury, and drew the captive hand near his head; 
 already the expected salute vibrated from the 
 hand to the heart — when, pity the damsel, gentle 
 reader! Sir Isaac only raised the fair hand, to 
 make the forefinger what he much wanted — a 
 tobacco stopper! 
 
 1257. — Doctor Fuller having requested 
 one of his companions, who was a bon-vivant, to 
 make an epitaph for him, received the following, 
 with the conceit of which he always expressed 
 kimself much pleased, — 
 
 " Here lies Fuller's earth ! " 
 
 1258. — Porsox's Company, as may well be 
 supposed, was courted by all ranks, from the 
 combination-room to the cider-cellar, for he 
 mixed with all, and was to be found in both ; and 
 it was who should assist at his evening lectures, 
 and who should carry away most from the oracle. 
 But sometimes it would happen, as it does to most 
 men, that he was bedevilled, and pulling a book 
 out of his pocket, read only to himself ; at other 
 times he was violent, and, catching the poker out 
 of the fire, brandished it over his head, to the ter- 
 ror of the company. Of this trick, however, he 
 was cured, once for all, by a spark of fighting 
 
212 JOE MILLER 
 
 notoriety, who, on seeing Porson seize the poker, 
 and not being used to a furious Greek, but in 
 the play, snatched up the tongs, observing two 
 could play at that game. Upon this, the pro- 
 fessor, with a sneer of his own said, " I believe, 
 if I should crack your skull, I should find it very 
 empty." — " And if I should break your head," 
 replied the Irishman, " I should find it full of 
 maggots." This retort pleased Porson so much, 
 that he returned the poker to the fire, and re- 
 peated a whole chapter of Roderick Random, 
 analogous to the affair. 
 
 1259. — Latimer, the pious and learned mar- 
 tyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated 
 at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the 
 first reformers of the church of England, at a 
 controversial conference, being out-talked by 
 younger divines, and out-argued by those who 
 were more studied in the fathers, said, " I cannot 
 talk for my religion, but I am ready to die for 
 it." 
 
 1260. — Professor Saunderson, who occu- 
 pied so distinguished a situation in the Univer- 
 sity of Cambridge, as that of Lucasian Professor 
 of Mathematics, was quite blind. Happening 
 on a time to make one in a large party, he re- 
 marked of a lady who had just left the room, 
 but whom he had never before met, nor heard of, 
 that she had very white teeth. The company 
 were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, 
 which was very true. " I have reason," observed 
 the orofessor, " to believe that the lady is not 
 
JOE MILLER 213 
 
 a fool, and I can think of no other motive for 
 her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole 
 hour together." 
 
 1261. — The Following, amongst other 
 reasons, is given as the origin of the students of 
 St. John's College being denominated hogs. A 
 waggish genius espying a coffee-house waiter 
 carrying a dish to a Johnian, who was seated in 
 another box in the same coffee-house, asked, " if 
 it were a dish of grains ! " The Johnian imme- 
 diately replied, — 
 
 " Says , the Johns eat grains ; suppose it true, 
 
 They pay for what they eat ; does he s'o too ? " 
 
 1262. — Porson was no less distinguished for 
 his wit and humour, during his residence in Cam- 
 bridge, than for his profound learning; and he 
 would frequently divert himself by sending quiz- 
 zical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his com- 
 panions. He one day sent his gyp w T ith a note 
 to a certain Cantab, who is now a D. D. and mas- 
 ter of his College, requesting him to find the 
 value of nothing? Next day he met his friend 
 walking, and stopping him, he desired to know, 
 " Whether he had succeeded ? " His friend an- 
 swered— " Yes !"— " And what may it be?" 
 asked Porson. " Sixpence! " replied the Can- 
 tab, " which I gave the man for bringing the 
 note." 
 
 1263. — Dr. Glynn, being one day in attend- 
 ance on a lady in the quality of her physician, 
 took the liberty of lecturing her on the impro- 
 
214 JOE MILLER 
 
 priety of her eating cucumber, of which she was 
 immoderately fond ; and gave her the following 
 humourous receipt for dressing them : — " Peel 
 the cucumber," said the doctor, " with great 
 care ; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and 
 salt it well, and then — throw it away! " 
 
 1264. — A Johnian, now deceased, one day 
 met a Trinity man, walking under the piazza of 
 Neville's Court, of whom he had some knowledge. 
 Going suddenly up to the Trinitarian, he ad- 
 dressed him with, — " Sir, you are a thief ! " The 
 Trinitarian, all astonishment at the tone in which 
 the accusation was made, demanded an explana- 
 tion. " Sir," answered the Johnian, smiling, 
 " you steal from the sun." 
 
 1265. — A Son of Grantor, whose delight 
 was rather in the sports of the field than in strut- 
 ting about the streets of the University a la Can- 
 tab, had been out very early one morning at a 
 fox-chase; from which returning at a late hour, 
 his appetite became so excessively keen, that it 
 was not to be resisted, and accordingly he re- 
 solved to beg alms at the first farm-house he 
 might light on. His sight rendered keener b}' 
 the cravings of his stomach, he soon espied a 
 small house at some distance, which having 
 gained, he offered his humble petition to mine 
 hostess. The old dame courtesied, begged our 
 hero would alight, and regretted she had no bet- 
 ter cheer to offer him than the remnant of a meat 
 pie, the remains of their own frugal meal. 
 " Anything is better than nothing," cried the 
 
JOE MILLER 215 
 
 Cantab, at the same time entreating she would 
 not delay a moment in placing it before him : for 
 he already devoured it in imagination, so keen 
 was his hunger. " Here it is," said the dame, 
 producing it at the same instant from a small 
 cupboard near the elbow of our sportsman, who 
 turned round as she spoke — " Here it is, Sir; it 
 is only made of the odds and ends, but may hope 
 your honour would like it, though it has mutton 
 and beef and all that in it." — "Charming! my 
 good woman, it needs no apology ; I never tasted 
 a more delicious morsel in my life ! " continued 
 the Cantab, as he swallowed or rather devoured 
 mouthful after mouthful. " But there is fish in 
 it, too," said he, as he greedily sucked what he 
 supposed to be a bone. " Fish," exclaimed the 
 old dame, looking intently on what the sports- 
 man had got in his hand : " fish, nae, Sir, — why 
 lack a day (cried she) ! if that beant our Billy's 
 comb! " 
 
 1266. — A Gentleman, who possessed a small 
 estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by 
 the promises of a courtier, who kept him in con- 
 stant attendance for a long while to no purpose ; 
 at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon 
 his pretended friend, and told him that he had 
 at last got a place. The courtier shook him very 
 heartily by the hand, and said he was very much 
 rejoiced at the event: " But pray, Sir," said he, 
 w where is your place? " — " In the Gloucester 
 coach," replied the other. " I secured it last 
 night, and so good-bye to you." 
 
216 JOE MILLER 
 
 1267. — Ignatius Sancho, in one of his let- 
 ters, tells his correspondent, that Sam Foote was 
 dead. " A leg, which had been cut off," says he, 
 " was buried some years since, and now the whole 
 Foote follows." 
 
 1268. — A Sailor, who had been fighting and 
 making a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house, 
 then before a justice, who, after severely repri- 
 manding him, ordered him to find bail. " I have 
 no bail," said Jack. " Then I'll commit you," 
 said the justice. "You will!" said the sailor, 
 " then the Lord send you the rope that stops the 
 wind when the ship's at anchor." — " What do 
 you mean by that? " said the justice, " I insist 
 on an explanation of that phrase." — " Why," 
 said Jack, " it's the hanging rope at the yard- 
 arm." 
 
 1269. — A Violent Welsh Squire having 
 taken offence at a poor curate, who employed his 
 leisure hours in mending clocks and watches, ap- 
 plied to the bishop of St. Asaph with a formal 
 complaint against him, for impiously carrying 
 on trade contrary to the statute. His lordship 
 having heard the complaint, told the squire, " He 
 might depend upon it the strictest justice should 
 be done in the case." Accordingly the mechanic 
 divine was sent for, and the bishop asked him 
 how he dared to disgrace his diocese by following ' 
 so low a trade as that of a mender of time-pieces. 
 The other, with all humility, answered, " To 
 satisfy the wants of a wife and ten children!" 
 — " That won't do with me," rejoined the prel- 
 
.JOE MILLER 217 
 
 ate; "I'll inflict such a punishment upon you, 
 as shall make you leave off your pitiful trade, I 
 promise you ; " and immediately calling in his 
 secretary, ordered him to make out a presenta- 
 tion to the astonished curate to a living of at 
 least 150Z. per annum. 
 
 1270. — General Kirk, who had served 
 many years at Tangier, after his return to 
 England, was pressed by James the Second to 
 beome a proselyte to the Romish religion, as the 
 most acceptable means of recommending himself 
 to favour. As soon as the king had done speak- 
 ing, Kirk expressed great concern that it was 
 not in his power to comply with his majesty's 
 desire, because he was really pre-engaged. The 
 king smiled, and asked him what he meant? 
 " Why, truly," answered Kirk, " when I was 
 abroad, I promised the emperor of Morocco, 
 that if ever I changed my religion I would turn 
 Mahometan ; and I never did break my word in 
 my life, and must beg leave to say I never will." 
 
 1271. — Dr. Wall at a public dinner was 
 playing with a cork upon the table. " What a 
 dirty hand Dr. W. has," said Mr. E. " I'll bet 
 you a bottle there is a dirtier in company," said 
 the doctor, who had overheard. " Done," said 
 he ; upon which he produced his other hand, and 
 won the wager. 
 
 1272. — Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one 
 evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, al- 
 most speechless : " Doctor, my wife is at the 
 
218 JOE MILLER. 
 
 point of death, make haste, come with me." — 
 " Not till I have finished my bottle, however," re- 
 plied the doctor. The man, who happened to be 
 a fine athletic fellow, finding the entreaty useless, 
 snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on his back, 
 and carried him out of the tavern : — the moment 
 he set the doctor upon his legs, he received from 
 him, in a very emphatic manner, the following 
 threat : " Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in 
 spite of you." 
 
 1273. — A Tobacconist having set up his 
 chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that 
 might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it 
 the Latin motto of " Quid rides ! " Two sailors 
 who had often used his shop, seeing him pass by 
 in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the 
 inscription, when his companion said it was plain 
 enough, repeating them as two English words, 
 Quid rides. 
 
 1274. — Henry IV. of France leaning out of 
 a window, with the skirts of his coat gaping be- 
 hind, a stout scullion, perceiving the favourable 
 situation, and mistaking his Sacred Majesty for 
 one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and with a 
 well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on 
 the royal buttocks. " Zounds ! " cried the King, 
 " what the devil's the matter now? " The poor 
 man thinking himself undone, fell upon his 
 knees, and excused himself by protesting he had 
 mistaken his Majesty for Bertrand. — " Well," 
 replied the King, rubbing briskly the aching 
 T>art, " if it had been Bertrand, where was the 
 
JOfe MILLER 219 
 
 necessity of striking so cursed hard? " and gave 
 him a Louis d'Or. 
 
 1275. — A Great Crowd being gathered about 
 a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, 
 a gentleman asked a bystander, who happened to 
 be the well known G. A. Stevens, the facetious 
 author of the Lecture on Heads, what. was to be 
 seen? The wit, with more humour than the cir- 
 cumstance allowed, replied " Oh ! only a cobbler's 
 end.' 3 
 
 1276. — Fletcher, of Saltown, is well known 
 u, have possessed a most irritable temper. His 
 footman desiring to be dismissed, " Why do you 
 leave me?" said he. "Because, to speak the 
 truth, I cannot bear your temper." — " To be 
 sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner 
 on than it is off." — " Yes," replied the servant, 
 " but it is no sooner off than it is on." 
 
 1277. — King James I. mounting a horse that 
 was unruly, cried, " The de'el tak my saul, sir- 
 rah, an ye be na quiet, I'll send ye to the Five 
 Hundred Kings in the House o' Commons. 
 They'll sune tame ye." 
 
 1278. — " You Are a Jew," said one man to 
 another; " when I bought this pig of you it was 
 +o be a guinea, and now }'ou demand hve-and- 
 twenty shillings, which is more than you asked." 
 — " For that very reason," replied the other, " I 
 am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he 
 asks." 
 
 1279. — Dr. Moncey once going along Ox- 
 
220 JOE MILLER 
 
 ford Market, observed a poor woman in the 
 family way at a butcher's shop, asking the price 
 of a fine piece of beef. The brute answered the 
 woman, " One penny a pound," thinking, no 
 doubt, it was too good for her. " Weigh that 
 piece of beef," said the doctor. " Ten pounds 
 and a half," said Mr. Butcher. " Here, good 
 woman," cried the doctor, " hold up your apron 
 and take that beef home to your family." — 
 " God bless your honour ! " — " Go off, directly 
 — home : no compliments ! Here, Mr. Butcher," 
 says the doctor, " give me change out of this shil- 
 ling for that poor woman's beef." — " What do 
 you mean, Sir? " replied the butcher. " Mean, 
 Sir ! why to pay for the poor woman's beef what 
 you asked her, a penny a pound. Come, make 
 haste, and give me three halfpence; I am in a 
 
 hurry." — " Why, Sir, ," said the butcher. 
 
 " No why sirs with me," says the doctor, " give 
 me my change instantly or I will break your 
 head." The butcher again began to expostulate, 
 and the doctor struck him with all his force with 
 his cane. A number of butchers had by this time 
 gathered round him. The doctor told the story, 
 and they could not refrain from laughing at 
 their brother steel. The butcher vowed he would 
 summon the doctor before the Court of Con- 
 science. The latter gave the man his address, 
 but never got his change, or heard any more of 
 his butcher. 
 
 1280.— Louis XIV. was told that Lord Stair 
 was the best bred man in Europe. " I shall soon 
 
JOE MILLER m\ 
 
 put that to the test," said the king, and asking 
 Lord Stair to take an airing with him; as soon 
 as the door of the coach was opened he bade him 
 pass and go in, — the other bowed and obeyed. 
 The king said, " The world was right in the 
 character it gave of Lord Stair — another per- 
 son would have troubled me with ceremony." 
 
 1281. — Shuter being engaged for a few 
 nights, in a principal city, in the north of Eng- 
 land, it happened that the stage in which he went 
 down, (and in which there was only an old gen- 
 tleman and himself), was stopped on the other 
 side of Finchley Common b}' a single highway- 
 man. The old gentleman, in order to save his 
 own money, pretended to be asleep, but Shuter 
 resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when 
 the highwayman presented his pistol, and com- 
 manded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, 
 or he was a dead man : " Money," returned he, 
 with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inex- 
 pressibly vacant, " Lord, Sir, they never trust 
 me witli any ; for nuncle here, always pays for 
 me, turnpikes and all, your honour." Upon 
 which the highwayman gave him a few hearty 
 curses for his stupidity, complimented the old 
 gentleman with a smart slap on the face to 
 awaken him, and robbed him of every shilling he 
 had in his pocket : while Shuter, who did not lose 
 a single farthing, with great satisfaction and 
 merriment pursued his journey. 
 
 1282. — An Inhabitant of Montgaielard 
 lately deceased, left the following testament: " It 
 
222 JOE MILLER 
 
 is my will that any one of my relations who shall 
 presume to shed tears at my funeral shall be dis- 
 inherited ; he, on the other hand, who laughs the 
 most heartily, shall be sole heir. In order that 
 neither the church nor my house shall be hung 
 with black cloth; but that on the day of my 
 burial, the house and church shall be decorated 
 with flowers and green boughs. Instead of the 
 tolling of bells, I will have drums, fiddles and 
 fifes. All the musicians of Montgaillard and its 
 environs shall attend the funeral. Fifty of them 
 shall open the procession with hunting tunes, 
 waltzes, and minuets." This singular will cre- 
 ated the more surprise, as the deceased had al- 
 ways been denominated by his family, the Mis- 
 anthrope, on account of his gloomy and reserved 
 character. 
 
 1283. — It Happened One Morning while 
 Dr. Busby was at his desk hearing a class, that 
 a stone came suddenly through the window, on 
 which ke despatched two of the larger boys to 
 bring in the culprit, supposing him to be one of 
 his own pupils, a party of whom was then in the 
 play-ground. The boys, however, being little 
 disposed to betray their comrade, laid hands on 
 a meagre Frenchman, who happened to be pass- 
 ing by, and brought him in as the offender ; when 
 the Doctor, without listening to a word he had 
 to say, immediately exclaimed, " Take him up." 
 This was as promptly obeyed as ordered, and the 
 Frenchman received a sound flogging. Think- 
 ing it in vain to shew his resentment to a master, 
 
JOE MILLER 223 
 
 surrounded by his scholars, he indignantly re- 
 treated ; but at the first coffee-house he came to, 
 sat down to write his enemy a challenge, which 
 he sent by a porter. No sooner had the Doctor 
 read the letter than he ordered in the messenger, 
 on whose appearance the usual exclamation fol- 
 lowed, " Take him up ; " — and the ceremony of 
 flogging was repeated in all its vigour. It was 
 now the porter's turn to be wrathful; — he re- 
 turned to his employer full of oaths and execra- 
 tions, and protesting that he should make full 
 amends for the treatment he had exposed him to ; 
 but the only redress he could get from the 
 Frenchman was a shrug of the shoulders, with, 
 " Ah, sure he be de vipping man ; — he vip me — 
 vip you — and vip all the world." 
 
 1284. — At the Top of Sir Thomas More's 
 House, it should seem that there was a platform. 
 Sir Thomas was one day recreating himself on it, 
 when a madman broke loose from his confine- 
 ment, made his way to More's house (who was 
 then Lord Chancellor), and rushing up stairs, 
 insisted on the Chancellor's leaping down! 
 " Pooh," said Sir Thomas (with his usual pres- 
 ervation of temper and presence of mind), " any 
 body can leap down : but to leap up, from the 
 ground, that is the main question ! " Such a 
 proposal w r as likely to strike the perverse feelings 
 of a maniac ; and Sir Thomas was gravely liber- 
 ated by his companion, in order to make the ex- 
 periment. 
 
 1285. — During His Chancellorship, More 
 
224 JOE MILLER 
 
 and his wife sat in different pews at church ; and, 
 on the conclusion of service, and the retirement 
 of the Chancellor, a man servant used to go and 
 open Lady More's pew, and say, " My lord is 
 gone." On the dismissal of More from the seals, 
 his suite was necessarily dismissed also: and the 
 first Sunday after he had resigned them, Sir 
 Thomas himself came and opened the pew-door, 
 and gravely bowing to his wife, exclaimed " My 
 Lord is gone! " Nothing ever soured the tem- 
 per, or daunted the courage and good spirits of 
 that invulnerable man. 
 
 1286. — Triboulet, a court-fool in the time of 
 Francis I., said that, if Charles V. were simple 
 enough to enter France and trust himself in the 
 power of an enemy whom he had used so ill, he 
 would give his fool's cap to him. — " And sup- 
 pose," said the King, " I give him as free a 
 passage, as if he were traversing his own king- 
 dom? " — " Sire," answered Triboulet, " in that 
 case I shall take back my cap, and make you a 
 present of it." 
 
 1287. — A Duel, between M. de Langerie 
 and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their 
 ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived 
 at the place of battle, M. de Langerie stares his 
 adversary in the face, and says, " I have just re- 
 flected ; I can't fight with you." With this he re- 
 turns his sword to its scabbard. " How, Sir, 
 what does this mean? " — " It means that I shall 
 not fight." — " What ! You insult me, and refuse 
 to give me satisfaction ? " — " If I have insulted 
 
JOE MILLER 225 
 
 you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an in- 
 surmountable reason for not fighting wiih you." 
 —"But, Sir, may one know it?"— "It will 
 offend you." — " No, Sir." — " You assure me? " 
 — " Yes, I assure you."—" Well, Sir, this it is ; 
 if we fight, according to all appearances I shall 
 kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fel- 
 low in the kingdom." His adversary could not 
 help laughing, and they returned to the city 
 good friends. 
 
 1288. — Jealousy has sometimes converted 
 even women into duellists, and that at no very 
 distant period. It is not more than five and forty 
 years ago that an actress, who still lives, called 
 out another to the wood of Boulogne. The sub- 
 ject was a faithless lover, who had been seduced 
 by a second passion from his first love. Both 
 parties were exact to the appointment, and the 
 deserted fair one drew first, but, at the sight of 
 the sword the usurper lost all courage, quietl} 7 
 suffered her ears to be boxed, and returned to 
 Paris crying. 
 
 1289. — Father Jacson, a Jesuit, was a mis- 
 sionary at the isle Ouessant. After having par- 
 ticularly instructed the chief of these islanders, 
 he was made priest and rector of the island. He 
 went every year to Brest, in November or 
 December, to make his purchases, and above all 
 to buy an almanac, his precious and only guide 
 to the day of the month on which the moveable 
 feasts fell. One year, the weather was so bad, 
 that it was impossible for him to embark before 
 
226 JOE MILLER 
 
 the end of March, yet still they were enjoying 
 flesh days in the island by the example of their 
 rector while all the rest of Christendom was fast- 
 ing or supposed to be fasting. At last our pastor 
 goes to Brest, where he learns that it is Passion 
 week, and having provided himself with every- 
 thing, he returns home. On the Sunday follow- 
 ing he gets up into his pulpit, and announces to 
 his flock the involuntary error that he has com- 
 mitted ; " But," he adds, " the evil is not much, 
 and we'll soon catch the rest of the faithful. 
 That all may be in rule, the three flesh days, shall 
 be to-day, to-morrow, and Tuesday ; the day fol- 
 lowing shall be Ash-Wednesday ; the rest of the 
 week we'll fast ; and on Sunday we'll sing Hal- 
 lelujah." 
 
 1290. — The Death of M. Perkier, of the 
 Royal Academy of Sciences, occasioned a strange 
 mistake. The Secretary of the Royal Society of 
 Sciences happens to be also named Perrier. At 
 a meeting of the latter body, the Chevalier M — 
 entered with a countenance woe-begone, took his 
 place among his brethren, then solemnly stood, 
 drew forth a MS. from his pocket, and with a 
 voice of the deepest sorrow, began a funeral ora- 
 tion " on his deceased friend." What was his 
 surprise, when " the deceased friend " stood up 
 from the president's chair, which he filled, (the 
 panegyrist was so blinded with tears, as not to 
 observe him sooner,) declined the honour about 
 to be conferred on him, thanked his friend, in the 
 warmest terms, and proposed, amidst roars of 
 
JOE MILLER 227 
 
 laughter, to adjourn the reading of the oration 
 sine die. 
 
 1291. — Lamotte of Orleans, Bishop of 
 Amiens, was remarkable for the austerity of his 
 practice, and the indulgence of his doctrine. 
 Severe in his principles, he was courteous in his 
 manners, and even jocose in his conversation. It 
 is related of him that a lady of his diocese having 
 entreated his permission to wear a little rouge, 
 only a very little, he told her that he would cer- 
 tainly, at her request, temporise a little between 
 vanity and devotion, and therefore granted her 
 his free permission to wear rouge on one cheek. 
 
 1292. — A Certain Well-known Baccha- 
 nalian Officer, having been severely wounded 
 in an engagement during the late war in the Pen- 
 insula, was admonished by the surgeon to re- 
 linquish his usual habits of indulgence, and con- 
 fine himself to one or at most two glasses of wine 
 daily ; for if he allowed himself to exceed that 
 quantity it would to a certainty be attended by 
 the most fatal consequences. The reply was, 
 " Very well, doctor, you know best." At length, 
 the wounds healed, and the doctor still insisted 
 on a rigorous observance of his former instruc- 
 tions towards a perfect cure. The officer, how- 
 ever, replied, that finding his wounds were healed, 
 he would not only indulge himself with an extra 
 glass of wine, but would request the doctor to 
 partake of a few glasses of some that he could 
 recommend. The servant was forthwith ordered 
 to bring a couple of glasses of wine, one for the 
 
228 JOE MILLER 
 
 doctor, and one for his master. He speedily re- 
 turned, bearing a salver on which rested two 
 glasses, each containing fully a quart and a half 
 of wine. " These," said the officer, " are my 
 glasses, doctor; and on the honour of a soldier, 
 I have drank no more than two of them daily, 
 during the whole progress of my cure." 
 
 1293. — A Clergyman, on leaving church, 
 was complimented by one of his friends on the 
 discourse he had been delivering. " South him- 
 self," exclaimed the delighted auditor, " never 
 preached a better." — " You are right," replied 
 the honest divine, — " it was the very best he ever 
 did preach." 
 
 1294. — An Old Divine, cautioning the clergy 
 against engaging in virulent controversy, uses 
 the following happy simile : — " If we will be con- 
 tending, let us contend like the olive and the vine, 
 who shall produce best and most fruit ; not like 
 the aspin and the elm, which shall make most 
 noise in a wind." 
 
 1295. — A Late Wit, at the time when the 
 revolutionary names of the months (Thermidor, 
 Floreal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, 
 proposed to extend the innovation to our own 
 language, somewhat on the following model : — 
 Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy ; Showery, Low- 
 ery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, 
 Glowy. 
 
 1296. — A Slave of Amuoit Leits, the second 
 prince of the dynasty of the Saffarides, who 
 
JOE MILLER 229 
 
 reigned over Khurasan and Persia, ran away. 
 Being brought back, the Grand Vizir, who had 
 some pique against the man, earnestly coun- 
 selled the King to put him to death for an ex- 
 ample to others. On this the slave prostrated 
 himself before Amrou, and said : " It is not for 
 a slave to dispute the judgment of his lord and 
 master ; but, as I have been brought up and sup- 
 ported in your palace, I owe you some return of 
 gratitude. I am therefore desirous that you 
 should not have to answer at the day of judg- 
 ment for the shedding of innocent blood. If I 
 must die, let me die under some pretext of justice. 
 Just allow me to murder the Vizir, and then you 
 can avenge his death by mine without any viola- 
 tion of equity. Thus shall your soul be saved." 
 The sultan smiled, and asked the Vizir his opin- 
 ion of the proposal. The latter replied, that as 
 his Llighness's soul was concerned in the affair, 
 (to say nothing of his own life, and the slave's 
 infallible damnation,) perhaps the safest method 
 for all parties would be to let the fellow go about 
 his business. 
 
 1297. — A Turkish Youth meeting one day 
 an old man of a hundred years, who, leaning on 
 his staff, formed with his curved person almost 
 the figure of a bow, the youth said," How much, 
 Shaick, have you paid for that bow, I want to 
 buy just such another." — " Have patience, my 
 son," rejoined the old man, " if 3^011 live long 
 enough you will get such a one for nothing." 
 
 1298. — An Arab of the Desert sat at the 
 
230 JOE MILLER 
 
 table of a Caliph, and the latter perceived a hair 
 on the piece of meat which the other was about to 
 devour. " Arab," cried the Caliph, " there is a 
 hair on your meat, you had better remove it." — 
 " A table," replied the Arab, rising to depart, 
 " where the master looks so narrowly at the dishes 
 as to espy a single hair, is no place for a child of 
 Ismael." 
 
 1299. — A Fellow of atrocious ugliness 
 chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road. 
 But when he looked at himself, he flung it away 
 in a rage, crying. " Curse you, if you were good 
 for any thing you would not have been thrown 
 away by your owner." 
 
 1800. — Dr. Graham being on his stage at 
 Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to promote the 
 sale of his medicines, told the country people, 
 that he came there for the good of the public, 
 not for want. Then speaking to his merry 
 Andrew : " Andrew," said he, " do we come here 
 for want? " — " No, faith, Sir," said Andrew, 
 " we have enough of that at home." 
 
 1301. — In a Conversation which Sir God- 
 frey Kneller held with some gentlemen at Ox- 
 ford, relative to the identity of the disinherited 
 son of James II., some doubts having been ex- 
 pressed, he exclaimed with wrath : " His father 
 and mother have sat to me about thirty-six times 
 a-piece, and I know every line and bit of their 
 faces. Mine Gott ! I could paint Kinp- James 
 now, b} r memory. I say, the child is so like both, 
 
JOE MILLER 231 
 
 that there Is not a feature in his face but what be- 
 longs cither to father or mother; this I am sure 
 of, and cannot be mistaken — nay, the nails of 
 his fingers are his mother's, the queen that was. 
 Doctor ! you may be out in your letters, but I 
 cannot be out in my lines." 
 
 1302. — A Certain Nobleman having built a 
 chapel, had a mind the stair-case leading to it 
 should be ornamented with some scripture history 
 - — which he at last determined should be the Chil- 
 dren of Israel passing through the Red Sea, and 
 the Egyptians pursuing them. A painter was 
 employed on this occasion, and fell to work im- 
 mediately ; and after he had daubed the wall from 
 top to bottom with red paint, he called to his lord- 
 ship and told him the work was done. — " Done ! " 
 quoth the peer, — " What's done? where are the 
 Children of Israel? " — " My lord, they are gone 
 over," replied the painter. " But zounds ! where 
 are the Egyptians then? " — " The Egyptians, 
 my lord-? — why they are drowned to be sure." 
 
 1303. — An Intendant of Montpelier, hav- 
 ing lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief 
 officers of the city should attend her funeral ob- 
 sequies. This honour the magistracy thought 
 proper to refuse; because it was not customary, 
 and might introduce a bad precedent. With a 
 view, however, to conciliate the favour of a per- 
 son whom it would not be their interest to offend, 
 they politely added — " If, Sir, it had been your 
 own funeral, we should have attended it with the 
 greatest pleasure! " 
 
232 JOE MILLER 
 
 1304. — Notice of Coffee, from Sir H. 
 Blunt's Travels in 1634. " They, (the Turks) 
 have another drink called cauphe, made of a 
 ber^ as big as a small bean, dried in a furnace, 
 and beat to powder, of a sooty colour, that they 
 seethe and drink, in taste a little bitterish, but as 
 may be endured : — it is thought to be the old 
 black broth used so much by the Lacedemonians : 
 it drieth ill humours in the stomach, comforteth 
 the brain," &c. 
 
 1305. — Some Time before the breaking up of 
 the British headquarters at Cambray, an Irish 
 soldier, a private in the 23d regiment of foot, 
 was convicted for shooting at, and robbing a 
 French peasant, and was in consequence sen- 
 tenced to be hanged. On arriving at the place of 
 execution, he addressed the spectators in a sten- 
 torian voice, as follows : — " Bad luck to the Duke 
 of Wellington ! he's no Irishman's friend anyhow. 
 I have killed many a score of Frenchmen by his 
 orders, and when I just took it in my head to 
 kill one upon my own account, by the powers 
 he has tucked me up for it ! " 
 
 1306. — An Ignorant Man, boasting of his 
 library of French books, said that he had several 
 volumes, but he was surprised that all the French 
 productions were the works of one Tom. 
 
 1307. — The Duke of Clarence jocularly 
 observing to a Captain of the navy, that he 
 heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he 
 had learned from it. The Captain replied, that 
 
JOE MILLEU 233 
 
 there was one part of Scripture, at least, which 
 he well remembered, and thought it contained an 
 admirable lesson. — "What is that?" cried the 
 duke. " Not to put my trust in princes ! your 
 royal highness." 
 
 1308. — An Irishman lately arriving in Lon- 
 don, and passing through Broad Street, observed 
 a glass globe, containing some fine large Gold 
 Fish, he exclaimed — " And sure, this is the first 
 time in my life that I've seen live red herrings." 
 
 1309. — An Irishman being told that a friend 
 of his had put his money in the stocks. " Well," 
 said lie, " I never had a farthing in the stocks, 
 but I have had my legs often enough in them." 
 
 1310. — When Prague was besieged by the 
 Swedes, under Charles X., a very great glutton 
 eat, in the presence of the king, a hog alive. 
 General Konigsmark was also a spectator: this 
 veteran officer told the king, the fellow was a 
 sorcerer, and that it was by enchantment and de- 
 ception he appeared to eat what, in fact, he did 
 not. The operator being nettled at the gen- 
 eral's incredulity, told the prince, that " if he 
 would command his officer to take off his boots 
 and spurs he would eat him ; " which so terrified 
 General Konigsmark, that he retired with great 
 precipitancy, choosing rather to put up with a 
 little confusion, than be convinced, at so dear a 
 price, of the goodness of this fellow's appetite. 
 
 1311. — The following severe epigram upon 
 Burke was attributed to the pen of the late Lord 
 
2$4i JOE MILLER 
 
 Ellenborough ; it. was enclosed in a cover, and 
 presented to Burke as he was about to open one 
 of the principal charges against Warren Hast- 
 ings, in the High Court of Parliament: 
 
 Oft have we wonder'd that on Irish ground, 
 No poisonous reptile has ere yet been found. 
 Reveal' d the secret stands of Nature's work, 
 She sav'd her venom to create a Burke. 
 
 With an air of blended indignation and con- 
 tempt he tore it in pieces, and scattered it about 
 the hall. The stanza, however, was impressed 
 on his memory? and subsequently repeated by 
 him to some friends with an air of jocularity. 
 
 1312. — " Mr. Abrahams," said Lord Mans- 
 field, " this man is your son, and cannot go in 
 the same bail bond." — " He ish not my son, my 
 lord." — " Why, Abrahams, here are twenty in 
 court will prove it." — " I will shwear, my lord, 
 he ish not." — " Take care, Abrahams, or I will 
 send you to the King's Bench." — " Now, my 
 lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell }'ou the 
 truth."—" Well, I shall be glad to hear the truth 
 from a Jew," replied Lord Mansfield. " Mv 
 lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three 
 quarters ; when I came home I flndish this lad : 
 now the law obliges me to maintain him ; and 
 consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. " 
 — " Well, Moses," rejoined Lord Mansfield, 
 " this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever 
 heard." 
 
 1313. — The father of the celebrated Sheridan 
 
JOE MILLER 235 
 
 was one day descanting on the pedigree of his 
 family, regretting that they were no longer 
 styled O'Sheridan, as they were formerly. " In- 
 deed, father," replied Sheridan, then a boy, " we 
 have more right to the O than any one else ; for 
 we owe everybody." 
 
 1314. — An Irishman who lodged at the Dol- 
 phin Inn, Bristol, coming home late one night, 
 when all was in bed, and there being no knocker 
 on the door, he thumped with his hand for some 
 time, and could make nobody hear. At length, 
 on the opposite side of the way, he found a house 
 with a knocker, and began thumping most un- 
 mercifully, when the landlord of the house, put- 
 ting his head out of the window, exclaimed, 
 " What the devil do you want here at this time, 
 disturbing one's rest? " — " Arrah, honey," cried 
 Pat, " what the devil did you disturb yourself 
 for? I was only borrowing your knocker." 
 
 1315. — Two Irish Seaman being on board 
 a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of 
 them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, 
 " How much that building puts me in mind of 
 my father's stables." — " Arrah, my honey," 
 cries the other, " come with me, and I will shew 
 you what will put you in mind of your father's 
 house." So saying, he led him to the pig-sty — 
 " There," said he, " does not that put you in 
 mind of your father's parlour? " 
 
 1316. — Frederick I. of Prussia, standing 
 one day at a window in his palace, perceived that 
 
g36 JOE MILLER 
 
 one of the pages took a pinch of snuff from a 
 box which lay on the table. He did not inter- 
 rupt him, but turning round immediately after- 
 wards, he asked, " Do you like that snuff-box? " 
 The page was confounded, and made no reply. 
 The king repeated his question, and the page 
 said, trembling, that he thought it very beauti- 
 ful. " In that case," replied Frederick, " take 
 it, for it is too small for us both." 
 
 1317. — It is Well Known that the celebrated 
 lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) 
 was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sar- 
 casms and reflections upon character, when he 
 thought that the truth might be elicited by 
 alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh 
 and overbearing, when milder behaviour would 
 have done him more credit, and answered his pur- 
 pose quite as well. Among the numerous re- 
 bukes which he received for this habit of severp 
 ity, the following is related, from his brother 
 barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that 
 he had made a purchase of some manors in Dev- 
 onshire. " It would be well," said Lee, " if you 
 could bring them to Westminster Hall." 
 
 1318. — The Late Lee Lewes shooting on a 
 field, the proprietor attacked him violently : " I 
 allow no person," said he, " to kill game on my 
 manor but myself, and I'll shoot you, if you 
 come here again." — " What," said the other, " I 
 suppose you mean to make game of me." 
 
 1319. — Soon After Lord Chesterfield 
 
JOE MILLER 237 
 
 came into the privy council, a place of great trust 
 happened to become vacant, to which his Majesty 
 (George II.) and the Duke of Dorset recom- 
 mended two different persons. The king es- 
 poused the interest of his friend with some heat, 
 and told them he would be obeyed ! but not being 
 able to carry his point, left the council-chamber 
 in great displeasure. As soon as he retired, the 
 matter was warmly debated, but at length carried 
 against the king, because if they once gave him 
 his way, he would expect it again, and it would 
 at length become a precedent. However, in the 
 humour the king then was, a question arose con- 
 cerning who should carry the grant of the office 
 for the ro}^al signature, and the lot fell upon 
 Chesterfield. His lordship expected to find his 
 sovereign in a very unfavourable mood, and he 
 was not disappointed ; he therefore prudently 
 forebore incensing him by an abrupt request, 
 and instead of bluntly asking him to sign the 
 instrument, very submissively requested to know 
 whose name his majesty would have inserted to 
 fill up the blanks. The king answered in a pas- 
 sion, the devil's, if you will." — " Very, well," re- 
 plied the earl; "but would your majesty have 
 the instrument run in the usual style — Our 
 trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor? " 
 Themonarch laughed and signed the paper. 
 
 1320. — A Country Carpenter having neg- 
 lected to make a gibbet (which w T as ordered by 
 the executioner), on the ground that he had not 
 been paid for the last he had erected, gave so 
 
238 JOE MILLER 
 
 much offence, that the next time the judge came 
 the circuit, he was sent for. " Fellow," said the 
 judge, in a stern tone, " how came you to neglect 
 making the gibbet that was ordered on my ac- 
 count? " — " I humbly beg your pardon," said 
 the carpenter, " had I known it had been for 
 your lordship, it would have been done imme- 
 diately." 
 
 1321. — When the Late Lord Paget was 
 ambassador at Constantinople, he, with the rest 
 of the gentlemen who were in a public capacity at 
 the same court, determined on one gala day to 
 have each of them a dish dressed after the man- 
 ner of their respective countries, and Lord 
 Paget, for the honour of England, ordered a 
 piece of roast beef, and a plum pudding. The 
 beef was easily cooked, but the court cooks not 
 knowing how to make a plum pudding, he gave 
 them a receipt. " So many eggs, so much milk, 
 so much flour, and a given quantity of raisins ; 
 to be beaten up together, and boiled for three 
 hours." When dinner was served up, first came 
 the French ambassador's dish — then that of the 
 Spanish ambassador — and next, two fellows 
 bearing a tremendous pan, and bawling " Room 
 for the English ambassador's dish." — " By 
 Jove," cried his lordship, " I forgot the bag, 
 and these stupid scoundrels have boiled it without 
 one, — and in five gallons of water too." It was 
 a noble mess of plum broth. 
 
 1322. — At a Violent Opposition Election 
 for Shrcwsbuhy, in the reign of George I., a half 
 
JOE MILLER 8S9 
 
 pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, 
 with some other voters, broughl down from Lon- 
 don at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the 
 candidates. The old campaigner regularly at- 
 tended and feasted at the houses which were 
 opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston's in- 
 terest, until the last day of the polling, when, to 
 the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote 
 to his opponent. For this strange conduct he 
 was reproached by his quondam companions, and 
 asked what could have induced him to act so dis- 
 honourable a part, and become an apostate. " An 
 apostate," answered the old soldier, " an apos- 
 tate ! by no means — I made up my mind about 
 whom I should vote for before I set out upon this 
 campaign, but I remembered the duke's constant 
 advice to us when I served with our army in 
 Flanders, ' Always quarter upon the enemy, my 
 lads — always quarter upon the enemy.' " 
 
 1323. — Swift, while resident on his living of 
 Larocar, was daily shaved by the village barber, 
 who at length became a great favourite with him. 
 Razor, while lathering him one morning, said he 
 had a great favour to request of his reverence; 
 that his neighbours had advised him to take the 
 little public-house at the corner of the church- 
 yard, which he had done, in the hope that, blend- 
 ing the profession of publican with his own, he 
 might gain a better maintenance for his family. 
 4 * Indeed," said the dean, " and what can I do to 
 promote this happy union? " — " An please you," 
 replied Razor, " some of my customers have 
 
240 JOE MILLER 
 
 heard much about your reverence's poetry, so 
 that if you would but condescend to give me a 
 smart little touch in that way, to clap under 
 my sign, it might be the making of me and mine 
 forever." — " But what do you intend for your 
 sign? " says the dean. " The Jolly Barber, if 
 it please your reverence, with a razor in one hand, 
 and a full pot in the other." — " Well," rejoined 
 the dean, " in that case there can be no great 
 difficulty in supplying you with a suitable in- 
 scription : " so taking up his pen, he instantly 
 scratched the following couplet, which was 
 affixed to the sign, and remained so for many 
 years : 
 
 " Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, 
 Where nought excels the shaving but the beer." 
 
 1324. — The Arm of Dr. Barrow, like his 
 argument, was powerful, as the following in- 
 stance of his prowess, humanity, and love of 
 reasoning, as related by his biographer, will 
 shew. Being on a visit to a friend in the coun- 
 try, he rose before daybreak one morning, and 
 went into the yard. He had scarcely left the 
 door, when a large English mastiff, left loose to 
 guard the premises during the night, sprung 
 upon him. Barrow grappled with the dog, 
 threw him on the ground, and himself up m him. 
 In this position he remained, till one of the ser- 
 vants made his appearance, who instantly called 
 off the dog, and extricated the doctor from his 
 perilous situation. " Why didn't you strangle 
 
JOE MILLER 241 
 
 him, doctor? " asked the man. — " Because," an- 
 swered Barrow, " the brute was only doing his 
 duty: and I thought within myself, as I kept 
 him under me, if we all did the same, how much 
 happier the community would be." 
 
 1325. — In the Days of Charles II., candi- 
 dates for holy orders were expected to respond 
 in Latin, to the various interrogatories put to 
 them by the bishop or his examining chaplain. 
 When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was 
 fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the im- 
 mortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, 
 and disengaged himself from collegiate leading- 
 strings, he presented himself before the bishop's 
 chaplain, who with the stiff stern visage of the 
 times, said to Barrow — 
 
 "Quid est fides?" (what is faith?) 
 
 "Quod non vides" (what thou dost not see), 
 
 answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. 
 The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic 
 answer, — continued — 
 
 " Quid est spes?" (what is hope?) 
 "Magna res" (a great thing), 
 
 replied the young candidate in the same breath., 
 
 "Quid est cliaritas?" (what is charity?) 
 was the next question. 
 
 "Magna raritas" (a great rarity), 
 was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending: 
 truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered 
 the reverend examiner; who went direct to the 
 
242 JOE MILLER 
 
 bishop and told him that a young Cantab, of 
 philosophic mien (the faces of reading men in 
 those days being generally in the likeness of in- 
 verted isosceles triangles ) , had thought proper to 
 give rhyming answers to three several moral 
 questions : and added that he believed his name 
 was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge: 
 " Barrow, Barrow ! " said the bishop, who well 
 knew the literary and moral worth of the young 
 Cantab. " If that's the case, ask him no more 
 questions : for he is much better qualified," con- 
 tinued his lordship, " to examine us than we 
 him." Barrow received his letters of orders 
 forthwith. 
 
 1326. — A Gentleman of Maudlin College, 
 whose name was Nott, happening one evening to 
 be out, was returning late from his friend's rooms 
 in rather a merry mood, and, withal, not quite 
 able to preserve his centre of gravity. In his 
 way he attracted the attention of the proctor, 
 who demanded his name and college. " I am 
 Nott of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping. — 
 " Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, " I 
 did not ask of what college you are not, but of 
 what college you are." — " I am Nott of Maud- 
 lin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, 
 enraged at what he considered contumely, in- 
 sisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither 
 having arrived, he demanded of the porter, 
 " whether he knew the gentleman." — " Know 
 him, Sir," said the porter, " yes, it is Mr. Nott, 
 of this college. v The proctor now perceived his 
 
JOE MILLER 243 
 
 error in not understanding the gentleman, and, 
 laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a 
 good-night. 
 
 1327. — Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were 
 both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine 
 Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in 
 which the} r were first lectured, was Tully's Offices, 
 and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly 
 receive^ a compliment from the tutor for the 
 excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little 
 vexed at the preference shown to his rival (for 
 such they then were), and, thinking to bore 
 Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the 
 lecture-room, " Ben, you made good use of 
 L'Estrange's translation to-day." — " Why, no, 
 Tom," retorted Hoadly, " I did not, for I had 
 not got one ; and I forgot to borrow yours, 
 which, I am told, is the only one in the college." 
 
 1328. — On a Time, a question arose in the 
 University of Cambridge, between the doctors of 
 law and the doctors of medicine, as to which 
 ought to take precedence of the other on public 
 occasions. It was referred to the Chancellor, 
 who facetiously inquired whether the thief or the 
 hangman preceded at an execution, and, being 
 told that the thief usually took the lead on such 
 occasions ; " Well, then," he replied, " let doctors 
 in law have the precedence, and the doctors of 
 medicine be next rank." This humorous obser- 
 vation set the point in dispute at rest. 
 
 1329. — Milton, the British Homer, and 
 
244 JOE MILLER 
 
 prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and 
 when he was blind (a thing some men do with 
 their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of 
 Buckingham one day in Milton's hearing, called 
 her a rose. — " I am no judge of flowers,'' ob- 
 served Milton, " but it may be so, for I feel the 
 thorns daily." 
 
 1330. — One of the wooden mitres carved by 
 Grin. Gibbon over a prebend's stall, in the cathe- 
 dral church of Canterbury, happening to oecome 
 loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, 
 inquired of the dean whether he should make it 
 fast — " for, perhaps," said Jessy, " it may fall 
 on your reverence's head." — " Well ! Jessy, sup- 
 pose it does," answered the humorous' Cantab, 
 " suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know 
 that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it." 
 
 1331. — Dr. Craven, late master of St. John's 
 College, excited the wrath of a waggish student, 
 by indulging him with an imposition, for some 
 irregularity of conduct. Sky parlour claimed 
 the honour of being inhabited by this aspirant to 
 philosophical fame, when, watching an opportu- 
 nity, as the venerable master was sunning him- 
 self beside the college walls, he proceed to dis- 
 charge the contents of a huge stone jar upon 
 his devoted head : unfortunately, the jar followed 
 the water, and was near inflicting on the learned 
 doctor the fate of Aeschines. Enraged at this, 
 Dr. Craven issued a summons, commanding the 
 immediate attendance of the inhabitant of that 
 room from whence the pitcher had fallen. Upon 
 
JOE MILLER 245 
 
 his entrance, the doctor exclaimed, " Young man 
 — young man, you had nearly killed your poor 
 old master — you had nearly killed me ; " when 
 the unabashed culprit, with the most perfect non- 
 chalance, replied, " I was merely trying some 
 hydrostatical experiments." — " Hydrostatical 
 experiments ! " exclaimed the enraged master, 
 thrown entirely off his guard by the cool answer 
 of the Johnian, " I'd thank you, young man, 
 when next you pursue your hydrostatical la- 
 bours, not to use such a large pitcher." 
 
 1332. — Porson was one day conversing in 
 Latin with a certain learned Theban, from the 
 sister university, when the latter, wishing to con- 
 vince the professor that he was better acquainted 
 with the writings of Cicero than any man living, 
 affirmed that he had spent thirteen years " in 
 perlegendo Cicerone; " to which the Greek pro- 
 fessor, with admirable wit, replied, " And Echo 
 answered, ove." (Oh, ass!) 
 
 1333. — A Cantab., who happened to be under 
 Sir Busick Harwood, when professor, was en- 
 joined to live temperately, as a cure for his 
 malady. The doctor called upon him one day, 
 and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of 
 Madeira. — " Ah, doctor ! " exclaimed the pa- 
 tient, at the same time reaching out his hand to 
 bid him welcome, " I am glad to see you ; you 
 are just in time to taste the first bottle of some 
 prime Madeira ! " — " Ah ! " replied Sir Busick, 
 " these bottles of Madeira will never do — they 
 are the cause of all your sufferings ! " — " Are 
 
246 JOE MILLER 
 
 they so? " cried the patient, " then fill your 
 glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the 
 cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better." 
 
 1334. — Among the best specimens of allitera- 
 tion, may be ranked the well known lines on the 
 celebrated Cardinal Wolsey: — 
 
 " Begot by butchers, but by bishops bred, 
 How high his honor holds his haughty head ! " 
 
 But the following unpublished sally, by the 
 erudite Dr. Parr, is not a whit inferior. — In a 
 company consisting principally of divines, the 
 conversation naturally turned on the merits of 
 the late head of the church, who was thus char- 
 acterized by the learned and eccentric doctor, in 
 reply to one of the gentlemen : " Sir, he, is a poor 
 paltry prelate, proud of petty popularity, and 
 perpetually preaching to petticoats." 
 
 1335. — Cambridge Ale, particularly " Au- 
 dit," has been long celebrated for its inspiring 
 qualities. A certain Trinitarian, who, though 
 no barker, is well known among the literati for 
 his classical acumen, on receiving a present 
 of Audit, exclaimed: — 
 "All hail to the ale! It sheds a halo round my head" 
 
 1336. — During the time that the erudite Dr. 
 Bentley was preparing an edition of Homer, 
 which he had undertaken at the desire of Earl 
 Grenville, he was accustomed not infrequently to 
 spend his evenings with that distinguished noble- 
 man. These congenials, when drinking deep at 
 
JOE MILLER 247 
 
 the classic fountain, would sometimes keep it up 
 to a late hour. One morning, after one of their 
 mental carousals, the mother of his lordship re- 
 proached him for keeping the country clergy- 
 man, as she termed the learned Cantab., till he 
 was intoxicated. Lord Grenville denied the 
 charge, — on which the lady replied, he could not 
 have sung in so ridiculous a manner, if he had 
 not been in liquor; but the truth was, that the 
 singing, which appeared so to have annoyed the 
 noble lady, was no- other than the doctor endeav- 
 ouring to entertain and instruct Lord Grenville 
 in the true cantilena or recitative, of the an- 
 cients. 
 
 1337. — At the Sittings of Guildhall, an 
 action of debt was tried, before Lord Mansfield, 
 in which the defendant, a merchant of London, 
 with great warmth, complained of the plaintiff's 
 conduct, to his lordship, in having caused him to 
 be arrested, not only in the face of the day, but 
 in the Royal exchange, and in the face of the 
 whole assembled credit of the metropolis. The 
 chief justice stopped him with great composure, 
 saying, — "Friend, you forget yourself; you 
 were the defaulter, in refusing to pay a just 
 debt : and let me give you a piece of advice worth 
 more to you than the debt and costs: be careful 
 not to put it in any man's power to arrest you, 
 either in public or private, for the future." 
 
 1338. — Sir Isaac Newton's favourite little 
 dog, Diamond, having, in his absence, entered 
 his study, he found it, on his return, diverting 
 
248 JOE MILLER 
 
 itself with the remains of some valuable MSS., 
 containing the memoranda of many years' la- 
 borious research, which it had already torn into 
 a thousand pieces ; but so great a command had 
 this genius over his temper, that, gathering up 
 the remnants, he patted the offender on the head, 
 saying, — " Oh ! Diamond, Diamond, you know 
 not what mischief you have done ! " 
 
 1339. — " The Bishop of London," says Au- 
 brey, " having cut down a noble cloud of trees at 
 Fulham, Lord Chancellor Bacon told him, ' he 
 was a good expounder of dark places.' " 
 
 1340. — Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a 
 fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergy- 
 man said, he would complain of this usage to the 
 bishop. " Do," said the doctor, " and my lord 
 bishop will confirm you." 
 
 1341. — Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of 
 candles, said he hoped they would be better than 
 the last. The chandler said he was very sorry 
 to hear them complained of, as they were as good 
 as he could make. " Why," says Ralph, " they 
 were very well till about half burnt down, but 
 after that they would not burn any longer." 
 
 1342. — Piovano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted 
 that in all his life he never spoke truth. " Ex- 
 cept," replied another, " at this present mo- 
 ment." 
 
 1343. — Colonel Gtise, going over one cam- 
 paign to Flanders, observed a young raw officer 
 who was in the same vessel with him, and with 
 
JOE MILLER 249 
 
 his usual humanity told him that he would take 
 care of him and conduct him to Antwerp, where 
 they were both going ; which he accordingly did, 
 and then took leave of him. The young fellow 
 wps soon told by some arch rogues, whom he hap- 
 pened to fall in with, that he must signalize him- 
 self by fighting some man of known courage, or 
 he would soon be despised in the regiment. The 
 young man said, he knew no one but Colonel 
 Guise, and he had received great obligations 
 from him. It was all one for that, they said, in 
 these cases ; the colonel was the fittest man in the 
 world, as everybody knew his bravery. Soon 
 afterwards, up comes the young officer to Colonel 
 Guise, as he was walking up and down the coffee- 
 room, and began in a hesitating manner to tell 
 him how much obliged he had been to him, and 
 how sensible he was of his obligations. " Sir," 
 replied Col. Guise, " I have done my duty by you 
 and no more." — " But, Colonel," added the 
 young officer, faltering, " I am told that I must 
 fight some gentleman of known courage, and who 
 has killed several persons, and that nobody." — 
 " Oh, Sir," interrupted the colonel, " your 
 friends do me too much honour; but there is a 
 gentleman " (pointing to a fierce looking black 
 fellow that was sitting at one of the tables), 
 " who has killed half of the regiment." So up 
 goes the officer to him, and tells him he is well 
 informed of his bravery, and for that reason he 
 must fight him. " Who, I, Sir? " replied the 
 gentleman, "Why, I am the apothecary!" 
 
250 JOE MILLER 
 
 1344. — At the End of Queen Mary's 
 Bloody Reign, a commission was granted to one 
 Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go over to Ireland, 
 and commence a fiery persecution against the 
 Protestants of that kingdom. On coming to 
 Chester, the doctor was waited upon by the 
 mayor, to whom he shewed his commission with 
 great triumph, saying, " Here is what shall lash 
 the heretics of Ireland." Mrs. Edmunds, the 
 landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when 
 the doctor went down stairs with the mayor, 
 hastened into the room, opened the box, took out 
 the commission, and put a pack of cards in its 
 place. When the doctor returned, he put his box 
 into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the 
 next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival, 
 he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy 
 Council, to whom he made a speech relating to 
 his business, and then presented his box to his 
 Lordship ; but on opening it there appeared a 
 pack of cards with the knave of clubs uppermost. 
 The doctor was petrified, and assured the com- 
 pany he had a commission, but what was become 
 of it ho could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant an- 
 swered, " Let us have another commission, we will 
 shuffle the cards the meanwhile." Before the doc- 
 tor could get his commission renewed, the Queen 
 died, and thus the persecution was prevented. 
 
 1345. — When Mr. Penn, a young gentle- 
 man, well known for his eccentricities, walked 
 from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a 
 wager of one hundred guineas, with the honour- 
 
JOE MILLER 251 
 
 able Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had 
 witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess 
 of Gordon, and added, it was a pity that a man 
 with so many good qualities as this Penn had, 
 should be incessantly playing these unaccount- 
 able pranks. " It is so," said her grace, " but 
 why don't you advise him better? He seems to 
 be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody 
 mends" 
 
 1346. — David Hume and R. B. Sheridan 
 were crossing the water to Holland, when a high 
 gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great 
 apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. 
 " Why," said his friend, " that will suit your 
 genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for 
 skimming the surface ! " 
 
 1347. — Davenport, a tailor, having set up 
 his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. " There 
 js one from Hamlet," said the wit, " that will 
 match you to a button-hole ; List, list ! oh list ! " 
 
 1348. — Lord Bacon says, reading makes a 
 full man, writing an exact man, and conversation 
 a ready man. 
 
 1349. — Sir Thomas More being asked by an 
 impertinent author his opinion of a book, Sir 
 Thomas desired him by all means to put it in 
 verse, and bring him it again, which no sooner 
 was done, than Sir Thomas looking upon it, said, 
 w Yea, now it is somewhat like ; now it is rhyme ; 
 before it was neither rhyme nor reason." 
 
252 JOE MILLER 
 
 Whence the proverb, " It is neither rhyme nor 
 reason." 
 
 1350. — Quin sometimes said things at once 
 witty and wise. Disputing concerning the exe- 
 cution of Charles L, " But by what laws," said 
 his opponent, " was he put to death ? " — " By 
 all the laws that he had left them." 
 
 1351. — As a Lame Country Schoolmaster 
 was hobbling one day to his school-room, he was 
 met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name 
 and vocation. Having declared his name, he 
 added, " and I am master of this parish ! " 
 — " Master of this parish ! " observed the peer, 
 "how can that be?" — "I am master of the 
 children of the parish," said the man ; " the chil- 
 dren are masters of their mothers : the mothers 
 ■ are the rulers of the fathers, and consequently 
 I am master of the whole parish." 
 
 1352. — " Pray, Mr. Hopner," said lady 
 C , " how do you limners contrive to over- 
 look the ugliness and yet preserve the likeness? " 
 — " The art, madam," replied he, " may be con- 
 veyed in two words : where nature has been 
 severe we soften ; where she has been kind, we 
 aggravate." 
 
 1353. — Lady F had arrived to so ex- 
 treme a degree of sensibility, that seeing a man 
 go by with a mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried 
 out to her companion, " Do turn aside, it dis- 
 tresses me above measure to see that poor un- 
 fortunate wheelbarrow with one leg." 
 
JOE MILLER 253 
 
 1354. — A Sailor had just returned from the 
 West Indies, and sitting, half seas over, in a tap- 
 room at Wapping, saw a crowd on the opposite 
 side the way ; and, on inquiring the cause, was 
 told it was a Quaker's funeral. " A funeral," 
 says Jack, " that's new to me; when one of our 
 messmates slips his cable, we hoist him overboard 
 in a blanket, but I never saw one packed up in a 
 box and directed before, so I'll reconnoitre him." 
 Accordingly he followed the crowd to the place 
 of interment. The funeral ceremony of the 
 Quakers consists in the mourners ranging them- 
 selves on one side of the grave, and waiting a 
 certain time for the inspiration of the spirit. 
 Having taken their station, Jack reeled to the 
 other side, and there observed the contortions of 
 their faces in silent surprise. At length, one of 
 them, being moved by the spirit, made a long 
 face, and drawled out, " Alas ! there is no happi- 
 ness on this side the grave." On which Jack, 
 whose patience was exhausted, exclaimed, 
 " Then, d- — n your eyes, come on this side." 
 
 1355. — The Late Duchess of Kingston, 
 who was remarkable for having a very high 
 sense of her own dignity, being one day detained 
 in her carriage by a cart of coals that was un- 
 loading in the street, she leaned with both her 
 arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, " How 
 dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the 
 street?" — "Woman of quality," replied the 
 man. " Yes, fellow," rejoined her grace, " don't 
 you see my arms upon my carriage ? " — " Yes, 
 
254 JOE MILLER 
 
 I do, indeed," says he, " and a pair of plaguy 
 coarse arms they are." 
 
 1356. — A Cockney complaining that he had 
 lost his appetite was advised to eat oysters before 
 dinner, which would be the means of restoring 
 it. The next day he met his friend, and up- 
 braided him with the folly of his prescription, 
 by stating, " that he had eat one hundred oysters 
 in the morning, and did not find his appetite a 
 bit better." 
 
 1357. — The Old Lord Stamford taking a 
 bottle with the parson of the parish, was com- 
 mending his own wine. " Here, doctor," said he, 
 " I can send a couple of ho — ho — ho — hounds 
 to Fra — Fra — France," (for his lordship had a 
 great impediment in his speech), " and have a 
 ho — ho — hogshead of wine for 'em. What do 
 you say to that, doctor?" — "Why, my lord," 
 replies the doctor, " I think your lordship has 
 your wine dog-cheap." 
 
 1358. — A Young Orator having written a 
 speech, which he intended to deliver on a certain 
 occasion, gave it to a friend to read, and desired 
 his opinion of it. The friend, after some time, 
 told the author he had read it over three times: 
 the first time it appeared very good, the second 
 indifferent, and the third quite insipid. " That 
 will do," said the orator, very coolly, " for I 
 have only to repeat it once." 
 
 1359. — An Irish Gentleman, sojourning at 
 Mitchner's Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed 
 
JOE MILLER 255 
 
 at the smallness of the bottles, considering the 
 high price of wine. One evening taking his glass 
 with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous 
 owner came in, when the gentleman, after apol- 
 ogizing to Mitchner, told him, he and his friend 
 had laid a wager, which he must decide, by tell- 
 ing him what profession he was bred to. Mitch- 
 ner, after some hesitation at the question, an- 
 swered, " that he was bred to the law." — 
 " Then," said the gentleman, " I have lost, for 
 I laid that you was bred a packer." — " A packer, 
 Sir," said Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock, 
 " what could induce you, Sir, to think I was bred 
 a packer?"— "Why, Sir," said the other, "I 
 judged so from your wine measures, for I 
 thought no man but a skilful packer could put a 
 quart of wine into a pint bottle! " 
 
 1360. — A Lady asked an old uncle, who had 
 been an attorney, but left off business, " what 
 were the requisites for going to law? " To 
 which he replied, " Why, niece, it depends upon 
 a number of circumstances : in the first place, you 
 must have a good cause ; 2dly, a good attorney ; 
 3dly, a good counsel ; 4thly, a good evidence ; 
 5thly, a good jury; 6thly, a good judge; and, 
 lastly, good luck." 
 
 1361. — A Certain Clergyman in the west of 
 England being at the point of death, a neigh- 
 bouring brother, who had some interest with his 
 patron, applied to him for the next presentation ; 
 upon which the former, who soon after recovered, 
 upbraided him with a breach of friendship, and 
 
256 JOE MILLER 
 
 said, he wanted his death. " No, no, doctor," 
 says the other, " you quite mistake : it was your 
 living I wanted." 
 
 1362. — A Gentleman in company complain- 
 ing that he was very subject to catch cold in his 
 feet, another, not overloaded with sense, told him 
 that might easily be prevented, if he would fol- 
 low his directions. " I always get," said he, " a 
 thin piece of lead out of an Indian chest, and fit 
 it to my shoe for this purpose." — " Then, Sir/' 
 says the former, " you are like a rope-dancer's 
 pole, you have lead at both ends." 
 
 1363. — Pytheas, the daughter of Aristotle, 
 being asked, " which was the most beautiful 
 colour," answered, " That of modesty." 
 
 1364. — Voltaire, when in London, being at 
 a great rout with Lord Chesterfield, a lady in 
 company, very much painted, engrossed his con- 
 versation. Chesterfield tapped him on the 
 shoulder, saying, " Take care you are not capti- 
 vated." — " My lord," replied Voltaire, " I scorn 
 to be taken by an English bottom under French 
 colours." 
 
 1365. — Lady Carteket, wife of the Lord 
 Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, said to 
 him, " The air of this country is good." — " For 
 God's sake, madam," says Swift, " don't say so 
 in England; if you do, they will certainly tax 
 it." 
 
 1366. — King Charles II. was reputed a 
 great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being 
 
JOE MILLER 257 
 
 once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished on 
 the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, " if he 
 did not think he should make an excellent ship- 
 wright? " Who pleasantly replied, " he always 
 thought his Majesty would have done better at 
 any trade than his own." No favourable compli- 
 ment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was 
 paid. 
 
 1367. — A Fellow having been adjudged, on 
 a conviction of perjury, to lose his ears; when 
 the executioner came to put the sentence of the 
 law in force, he found that he had been already 
 cropped. The hangman seemed a little sur- 
 prised. " What," said the criminal, with all the 
 sang froid imaginable, " am I obliged to furnish 
 you with ears every time you are pleased to crop 
 me?" 
 
 1368. — Mr. William Burkitt, going one 
 Sunda}' to church from the lecture-house, met an 
 old Cambridge friend, who was coming to give 
 him a call before sermon. After the accustomed 
 salutations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he 
 had intended him the favour of a visit, his par- 
 ishioners would expect the favour of a sermon. 
 The clergyman excused himself, by saying he 
 had no sermon with him ; but, on looking at Bur- 
 kitt's pocket, and perceiving a corner of his 
 sermon-book, he drew it gently out, and put it 
 in his own pocket. The gentleman then said with 
 a smile. " Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach for 
 yon." He did so, and preached Burkitt's ser- 
 mon. He, however, appeared to great disadvan- 
 
258 JOE MILLER 
 
 tage after Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and 
 untuneful, whereas Burkitt's was remarkably 
 melodious. " Ah ! " said Burkitt to him archly, 
 after sermon, as he was approaching him in the 
 vestry, " you were but half a rogue : you stole 
 my fiddle, but vou could not steal my fiddle- 
 stick." 
 
 1369. — A Countryman residing between 
 Arbroath and Montrose was in the practice of 
 depositing small sums occasionally in the bank 
 at Arbroath. At last, from some motive which 
 he deemed prudential, he conceived it might be 
 as well to make his next deposit in the bank at 
 Montrose. He accordingly went there, and 
 handing a certain sum across the counter, in- 
 quired if they would keep that for him. " O 
 yes," replied the banker : " What is your name? " 
 — " What's your business wi' my name, Sir? 
 Just gi'e me a bit o' paper," said the country- 
 man, with an indignant air. " We cannot give 
 a receipt till we know your name and place of 
 abode," replied the banker. " O'd, you're ower 
 
 quisitive fo'k for me ! — Provost of Arbroath 
 
 never speers my name, nor yet where I bide: he 
 just gi'es me a paper at ance. Sae, Sir, either 
 gi'e me a paper or my siller back again, ony of 
 them you like." — " Would you let us look at one 
 
 of Provost 's papers ? " said the banker. 
 
 " O, ay, Sir." A receipt from the bank in Ar- 
 broath was now produced : in consequence of 
 which they were enabled to give a proper voucher 
 for the deposit. " Now, Sir, could ye no dune 
 
JOE MILLER 259 
 
 that at first, an' saved yoursel' a' that fasherie? " 
 said the countryman, putting up his papers with- 
 out looking at them. 
 
 1370. — An English Gentleman travelling 
 through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter 
 Fiiilay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no 
 person near the inn, and knocked at the door. 
 No answer. He knocked repeatedly with as little 
 success ; he then opened the door, and walked in. 
 On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed, 
 whom he hailed thus: " Are there any Christians 
 in this house? " — " No," was the reply, " we are 
 all Camerons." 
 
 1371. — On the Morning of Sir Walter 
 Raleigh's death he smoked, as usual, his favour- 
 ite tobacco ; and when they brought him a cup 
 of excellent sack, being asked how he liked it, 
 Raleigh answered, " As the fellow that, drinking 
 of St. Giles's bowl, as he went to Tyburn, said, 
 ' that was good drink if a man might tarry by 
 it.' ' The day before, in passing from West- 
 minster-Hall to the Gate-house, his eye had 
 caught Sir Hugh Bceston in the throng, and 
 calling on him, requested that he would see him 
 die to-morrow. Sir Hugh, to secure himself a 
 seat on the scaffold, had provided himself with 
 a letter to the sheriff, which was not read at 
 the time, and Sir Walter found his friend thrust 
 by, lamenting that he could not get there. 
 " Farewell," exclaimed Raleigh, " I know not 
 what shift you will make, but I am sure to have 
 a place." In going from the prison to the scaf- 
 
£60 Joe miller 
 
 fold, among others who were pressing hard to 
 see him, one old man, whose head was bald, came 
 very forward, insomuch that Raleigh noticed 
 him, and asked, " whether he would have aught 
 of him ? " The old man answered, " Nothing 
 but to see him, and to pray to God for him." 
 Raleigh replied, " I thank thee, good friend, and 
 I am sorry that I have no better thing to return 
 thee for thy good will." Observing his bald 
 head, he continued, " but take this nightcap 
 (which was a very rich wrought one that he 
 wore), for thou hast more need of it now than 
 I."— He ascended the scaffold with the same 
 cheerfulness he had passed to it; and observing 
 the lords seated at a distance, some at windows, 
 he requested they would approach him, as he 
 wished what he had to say they should all wit- 
 ness. This request was complied with by sev- 
 eral. 
 
 His speech is well known ; but some copies con- 
 tain matters not in others. When he finished, he 
 requested Lord Arundel that the king would not 
 suffer any libels to defame him after death — 
 " And now I have a long journey to go, and 
 must take my leave." " He embraced all the 
 lords and other friends with such courtly compli- 
 ments, as if he had met them at some feast," says 
 a letter-writer. Having taken off his gown, he 
 called to the headsman to shew him the axe, 
 which not being instantly done, he repeated, " I 
 prithee let me see it. Dost thou think that I am 
 afraid of it? " He passed the edge lightly over 
 
JOE MILLER 261 
 
 his finger, and smiling, observed to the sheriff, 
 " This is a sharp medicine, but a sound cure for 
 a 1 ! diseases," and kissing it, laid it down. An- 
 other writer has, " This is that, that will cure all 
 sorrows." After this he went to three several 
 corners of the scaffold, and kneeling down, de- 
 sired all the people to pray for him, and recited 
 a long prayer to himself. When he began to fit 
 himself for the block, he first laid himself down 
 to try how the block fitted him ; after rising up, 
 the executioner kneeled down to ask his forgive- 
 ness, which Raleigh with an embrace did, but en- 
 treated him not to strike till he gave a token by 
 lifting up his hand, " and then, fear not, but 
 strike home! " When he laid his head down to 
 receive the stroke, the executioner desired him to 
 lay his face towards the east. " It was no great 
 matter which way a man's head stood, so the 
 heart lay right," said Raleigh ; but these were 
 not his last words. He was once more to speak 
 in this world with the same intrepidity he had 
 lived in it — for, having lain some minutes on the 
 block in prayer, he gave the signal : but the ex- 
 ecutioner, either unmindful, or in fear, failed to 
 strike, and Raleigh, after once or twice putting 
 forth his hands, was compelled to ask him, " Why 
 dost thou not strike? Strike, man!" In two 
 blows he was beheaded ; but from the first, his 
 body never shrunk from the spot, by any discom- 
 posure of his posture, which like his mind, was 
 immoveable. 
 - 1372. — Erasmus replied to the Pope, who 
 
262 JOE MILLED 
 
 blamed him for not keeping Lent, " My mind is 
 Catholic, but my stomach Protestant." 
 
 1373. — Benjamin West, President of the 
 Royal Academy, when at Rome, lodged opposite 
 the Irish college ; where he observed, every day, 
 not only many of the students, but several of the 
 holy father professors, stumble and reel about on 
 their entrance, or exit, at the college gates. He 
 was excited by curiosity to inquire of his hostess 
 how such irregularities came to be tolerated. 
 " Ah ! good seignior," answered the matron, 
 " those holy men are afflicted with the falling 
 sickness; and it is very surprising, seignior, that 
 the Almighty seems to have troubled all the gen- 
 tlemen of that nation with the same disorder." 
 
 1374. — Fontenelle, being praised for the 
 clearness of his style on the deepest subjects, 
 said : " If I have any merit, it is that I have al- 
 ways endeavoured to understand myself." 
 
 1375. — A Cektain Cit, who had suddenly 
 risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts, 
 from a very low condition of life, stood up in 
 the pit of the opera with his hat on : the Duchess 
 of Gordon whispered to a lady, " We must for- 
 give that man : he has so short a time been used 
 to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know 
 when to pull it off." 
 
 1376. — A Person disputing with Peter Pin- 
 dar, said, in grca^ heat, that he did not like to be 
 thought a scoundrel. — " I wish," replied Peter, 
 
JOE MILLER 263 
 
 64 that you had as great a dislike to being a 
 scoundrel." 
 
 1377. — A Lady in Calcutta asked Colonel 
 Ironsides for a mangoe. As he rolled it along 
 the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kin:; 
 of grape very common in the East Indies: upon 
 which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for 
 his wit as for skill in his profession, neatly ob- 
 served, " How naturally man goes to kiss-miss." 
 
 1378. — There was much sound palpable 
 argument in the speech of a country lad to an 
 idler, who boasted his ancient family : " So much 
 the worse for you," said the peasant ; " as we 
 ploughmen say, the older the seed the worse the 
 crop." 
 
 1379. — A Lady, some time ago, took her 
 daughter to a boarding-school in the country, 
 for the purpose of tuition; when, after the first 
 salutations were over, the matron fixed her eyes 
 upon some worked picture subjects in the par- 
 lour, and pointing to one more attractive than 
 the rest, asked, " What is that? "— " That," re- 
 plied the tutoress, " is Charlotte at the tomb of 
 Werter." — " Well, I vow," rejoined the lady, 
 " it is vastly beautiful. Betsy, my dear, you 
 shall work Charlotte in a tub of water." 
 
 1380. — The Reading Fly, a coach so called, 
 was one day passing along Fleet-street, when a 
 Frenchman, lately arrived in London, was look- 
 ing out at the window of a house opposite the 
 Bolt-in-Tun coach-office. Seeing this, and hav- 
 
264 JOE MILLER 
 
 ing learned to read, and partly to speak our 
 language, he rushed out in great haste, and run- 
 ning eagerly into the inn-yard, was asked what 
 coach he wanted. " Ah ! " said he, — " no coach ! 
 no coach ! — but I vants to hear the Fly read, that 
 comes in this diligence." 
 
 1381. — Ned Shuter, as was often the case, 
 was reeling home one morning to his lodgings 
 extremely dirty, and with a remarkably long 
 beard, when he met Garrick under the Piazza. 
 " Heavens ! " said David, " Ned, when was you 
 shaved last ? " — " Shaved last, Davy ! egad, I 
 can't tell, for my barber has turned gentleman 
 ever since he has had a thousand pounds in the 
 lottery."—" But, Ned, ha ! ha ! " replied David, 
 " I never depend upon barbers — I shave myself 
 every morning." — " I do not doubt it," resumed 
 Ned, " or that you preserve the remainder of the 
 lather for the next day." 
 
 1382. — A Cockney Sportsman being out one 
 day amusing himself with shooting, happened to 
 fire through a hedge, on the other side of which 
 was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. 
 The shot passed through the man's hat, but 
 missed the bird. " Did you fire at me, Sir? " he 
 hastily asked. " O, no, Sir," said the shrewd 
 sportsman, " I never hit what I fire at." 
 
 1383. — Some Persons broke into the stables 
 belonging to a troop of horse, which was quar- 
 tered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail 
 of every horse close to the rump. The captain, 
 
JOE MILLER 265 
 
 relating the circumstance next day to a brother 
 officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the 
 horses. " I fancy you must dispose of them by 
 wholesale," was the reply. "Why by whole- 
 sale? " — " Because you'll certainly find it im- 
 possible to rc-tail them ! " 
 
 1384. — Tom Weston, of facetious memory, 
 being in a strolling company in Sussex, when the 
 success was even less than moderate, ran up a bill 
 of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting 
 on the comedian, insisted on his money immedi- 
 ately : " Make yourself easy, my honest fellow," 
 said Weston, " for by the gods, I will pay you 
 this night in some shape or another." — " See you 
 do, Master Weston," retorted the landlord sur- 
 lil} 7 ; " and, d'ye hear, let it be as much in the 
 shape of three shillings as possible." 
 
 1385. — The Celebrated John Wilkes at- 
 tended a city dinner, not long after his promo- 
 tion to city honours. Among the guests was a 
 noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on* 
 his entering the dinner-room, always, with great 
 deliberation, took off his wig, suspended it on a 
 pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cot- 
 ton night-cap. Wilkes, who certainly was a 
 high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar 
 exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so 
 strange and novel a picture. At length the 
 deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up 
 to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not 
 think that his night-cap became him? " O 
 yes, Sir," replied Wilkes, " but it would look 
 
266 JOE MILLER 
 
 much better if it were pulled quite over your 
 face." 
 
 1386. — A Physician in Milan kept a house 
 for the reception of lunatics, and by way of 
 cure, used to make his patients stand for a length 
 of time in a pit of water, some up to the knees, 
 some to the girdle, and others as high as the chin, 
 pro modo insaniae, according as they were more 
 or less affected. An inmate of this establishment, 
 who happened by chance, to be pretty well re- 
 covered, was standing at the door of the house, 
 and seeing a gallant cavalier ride past with a 
 hawk on his fist, and his spaniels after him, he 
 must needs ask, " What all these preparations 
 meant?" The cavalier answered, "To kill 
 game." — " What may the game be worth which 
 you kill in the course of a year? " rejoined the 
 patient. " About five or ten crowns." — " And 
 what may your horse, dogs, and hawks, stand 
 you in ! " — " Four hundred crowns more." On 
 hearing this, the patient, with great earnestness 
 of manner, bade the cavalier instantly begone, 
 as he valued his life and welfare ; " for," said 
 he, " if our master come and find you here, he will 
 put you into his pit up to the very chin." 
 
 1387. — A Gentleman, indisposed, and con- 
 fined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour 
 it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a 
 post in his garden. The servant was an Irish- 
 man, and being at a loss how to find it, thought 
 he was to pluck up the post ; which he accord- 
 ingly did, and carried it to his master, with the 
 
JOE MILLER 267 
 
 sun-dial, saying, " Arrah, now look at it your- 
 self: it is indeed all a mystery to me." 
 
 1388. — A Gentleman in the West Indies, 
 who had frequently promised his friends to leave 
 off drinking, without their discovering any im- 
 provement, was one morning called on early by 
 an intimate friend, who met his negro-boy at 
 his door — " Well, Sambo," said he, " where is 
 your master? " — " Massa gone out, sare," was 
 the reply. " And has he left off drinking yet ? " 
 rejoined the first. " Oh, yes, sure," said Sambo, 
 " massa leave oft" drinking — he leave off two-tree 
 time dis morning." 
 
 1389. — An Irishman having been summoned 
 to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an 
 apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of 
 the commissioners what the plaintiff had from 
 time to time served him with, to which he gave 
 suitable answers. " And pray," said the com- 
 missioner, " what was the last thing he served 
 you with? " — " Why, your honour," replied the 
 honest Hibernian, " the last thing he served me 
 with, please you, was the summons ! " 
 
 1390. — The Turkish Ambassador happen- 
 ing to honour the Duke of Newcastle with an 
 unexpected visit, called at his grace's house at a 
 time when he was about to shave. Not willing 
 that so great a personage should be kept a mo- 
 ment waiting, the duke hastily ran into his ex- 
 cellency's presence with his chin covered with 
 lather; upon which the ambassador remarked to 
 
268 JOE MILLER 
 
 some one near, that it was no wonder the people 
 of England should be so happy, as they were 
 evidently governed by madmen ! 
 
 1391. — A Lady of high ton complimented the 
 late King of Prussia so extravagantly, that his 
 Prussian Majesty was rather distressed at it: she 
 said, " That he was covered with glory, was the 
 paragon of Europe, and, in short, the greatest 
 monarch and man on earth." — " Madam," re- 
 plied the king, " you are as handsome as an 
 angel, witty, elegant, and agreeable ; in short, 
 you possess all the amiable qualities ; but you 
 paint." 
 
 1392. — The Duke of Grammont was the 
 most adroit and witty courtier of his day. He 
 entered one day the closet of Cardinal Mazarine 
 without being announced. His eminence was 
 amusing himself, by jumping against the wall. 
 To surprise a Prime Minister in so boyish an oc- 
 cupation was dangerous ; a less skilful courtier 
 might have stammered excuses, and retired. 
 The duke entered briskly, and cried, " I'll bet 
 you one hundred crowns, that I jump higher 
 than your eminence ; " and the duke and cardinal 
 began to jump for their lives. Grammont took 
 care to jump a few inches lower than the cardi- 
 nal, and was, six months afterwards, Marshal of 
 France. 
 
 1393. — A Jew came to the Court of King's 
 Bench to justify bail for 1800Z. ; when, on the 
 usual questions being asked him,, if he was worth 
 
JOE MILLER 269 
 
 1800Z. and all debts paid, he replied, " My lords, 
 upon my vord, dis a very great shuni : and, as I 
 am not really vort de half, I vill not justify, my 
 lords, for it ; but as de attorney here did give me 
 201. bank-note to justify, vat vod your lordships 
 have me do vid de monies ? " The Earl of Mans- 
 field, who seemed struck with the answer, immedi- 
 ately replied, " You are an honest Jew, and I 
 would advise you by all means to keep the note ! " 
 which Mordecai Israel accordingly did; and, as 
 his lordship was going out of court, the Israelite, 
 with many bows and scrapes, said, " I humbly 
 thank your lordship, for you are the first who 
 ever called me an honest Jew." 
 
 1394. — A Publican blowing the froth from 
 a pot of porter which he was bringing to a cus- 
 tomer, the gentleman struck him. Boniface 
 .eagerly asked why he struck him? " Why," re- 
 plied the gentleman, " I only returned blow for 
 blow." 
 
 1395. — Some school-boys meeting a poor 
 woman driving asses, one of them said to her, 
 " Good morning, mother of asses ! " — " Good 
 morning, my children," was the reply. 
 
 1396. — Dr. South, when he resided at Cav- 
 ersham, in Oxfordshire, was called out of bed 
 on a cold winter's morning by his clerk, to marry 
 a couple who were then waiting for him. The 
 doctor hurried up, and went shivering to church : 
 but, seeing only an old man of seventy, with a 
 woman about the same age, and his clerk, he 
 
270 JOE MILLER 
 
 asked the latter, in a pet, where the bridegroom 
 and bride were, and what that man and woman 
 wanted. The old man replied, that they came 
 there to be married. The doctor looked sternty 
 at him, and exclaimed, " Married ! " — " Yes, 
 married ! " said the old man, hastily ; " better 
 marry than do worse." — " Go, get you gone, you 
 silly old fools ! " said the doctor, " get home, and 
 do your worst." And then hobbled out of church 
 in a great passion with his clerk, for calling him 
 out of bed on such a ridiculous errand. 
 
 1397. — A Frolicsome Youth, who had been 
 riding out, on approaching Merton College, 
 which he had never before visited, alighted, and, 
 sans ceremonie, put his horse into a field thereto 
 belonging. Word was immediately sent to him 
 that he had no right to put his horse there, as 
 he did not belong himself to the college. The 
 youth, however, took no notice of his warning, 
 and the master of that college sent his man to 
 him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse 
 there, he would cut off his tail. " Say you so? " 
 said the wag : " go tell your master, if he cuts 
 off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears." The 
 servant returning, told his master what he said. 
 Whereupon the master went himself, and in a 
 great passion, said, " How, now, Sir, what mean 
 you by that menace you sent me? " — " Sir," said 
 the other, " I threatened you not, for I only 
 said, if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut 
 off his ears.'''' 
 
 1398. — On the Day for renewing the licenses 
 
JOE MILLER 271 
 
 of the publicans in the West Riding of York- 
 shire, one of the magistrates said to an old 
 woman who kept a little alehouse, that he trusted 
 she did not put any pernicious ingredients into 
 the liquor ; to which she replied, " There is 
 naught pernicious put into our barrels but the 
 exciseman's stick ! " 
 
 1399. — Some Soldiers at Chelsea were 
 bragging of the privations they had often under- 
 gone; when one of them said, he had slept for 
 weeks on rough boards, with a wooden pillow ; 
 the other observed, that was a comfort compared 
 to what he had endured, having slept night after 
 night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman, 
 who was in company, observed, it was all bother 
 and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of 
 oysters. 
 
 1400. — A Droll Fellow, who got a liveli- 
 hood by fifldling at fairs and about the country, 
 was one day met by an acquaintance that had not 
 seen him a great while, who accosted him thus : 
 "Bless me! what, are you alive?" — "Why 
 not? " answered the fiddler; " did you send any- 
 body to kill me ? " — " No," replies the other, 
 " but I was told you w r as dead." — " Aye, so it 
 was reported, it seems," says the fiddler, " but I 
 knew it was a lie as soon as I heard it." 
 
 1401. — Mr. M , the artist, was reading 
 
 the paper the other day, while his boy, who has 
 the daily task of preparing his palette for him, 
 was rubbing in the various tints ; when the boy 
 
9Sl% JOE MILLER 
 
 suddenly stopped, and with an anxious look said, 
 " Pray, Sir, I have heard so much about it, will 
 you have the goodness to tell me what is the 
 Colour o' Morbus? " 
 
 1402. — It is Related of the great Dr. 
 Clarke, that when in one of his leisure hours he 
 was unbending himself with a few friends in the 
 most playful and frolicsome manner, he observed 
 Beau Nash approaching; upon which he sud- 
 denly stopped; — " My boys (said he), let us be 
 grave: here comes a fool." 
 
 1403. — A Gentleman, stopping one evening 
 at an inn in the north of England, said to the 
 maid-servant who waited on him, and who seemed 
 nearly exhausted with the fatiguing duties of 
 her situation, " I have no doubt, Sally, but you 
 enjoy your bed when you get into it." — " In- 
 deed, no, Sir," she replied ; " for as soon as I 
 lie down at night, I am fast asleep, and as soon 
 as I awake in the morning, I am obliged to get 
 up : so that I have no en j oyment in my bed at 
 all." 
 
 1404. — A Worthy Churchwarden of Can- 
 terbury, lately excused himself by note from a 
 dinner party by alleging that he was " engaged 
 in taking the senses of his parish." 
 
 1405. — Daft Willie LAw r was the descend- 
 ant of an ancient family, nearly related to the 
 famous John Law, of Lauriston, the celebrated 
 financier of France. Willie on that account was 
 often spoken to, and taken notice of by gentle- 
 
JOE MILLER 273 
 
 men of distinction. Posting one clay through 
 Kirkaldy, with more than ordinary speed, he was 
 met by the late Mr. Oswald, of Dunnikier, who 
 asked him where he was going in such a hurry. 
 " Going," says Willie, with apparent surprise, 
 " I'm gaen to my cousin Lord Elgin's burial." — 
 " Your cousin Lord Elgin's burial, you fool ! 
 Lord Elgin's not dead," replied Mr. Oswald. 
 " Ah, deil ma care," quoth Willie, " there's sax 
 doctors out o' Embro' at 'im, and they'll hae him 
 dead afore I win forat." 
 
 1406. — Dr. Johnson once called upon Mr. 
 Garrick, in Southampton-street, and was shewn 
 into his study ; but unfortunately the door being 
 left open, he strayed into an adjoining room, 
 which contained all the novels and lighter works, 
 which had been presented as elegant tributes to 
 this admired actor. Johnson read first a bit of 
 one, then another, and threw all down ; so that, 
 before the host arrived, the floor was strewed 
 with splendid octavos. Garrick was exceedingly 
 angry at finding Johnson there ; and said, " it 
 was a private cabinet, and no company was ad- 
 mitted there." — " But," says Johnson, " 1 was 
 determined to examine some of your valuables, 
 which I find to consist of three sorts, stuff, trash, 
 and nonsense." 
 
 1407. — It does not seem to be generally 
 known that the studious among the ancient 
 Greeks were always accustomed to walk into the 
 fields or gardens with a tablet and stylus sus- 
 pended by a cord or ribbon from their neck. 
 
274 JOE MILLER 
 
 When any new thought or image came over their 
 mind, their waxen memorandum-book and iron 
 pencil were ever ready to register it, and prevent 
 oblivion. Euripides, a man of strong passions 
 but severe manners, was one day looking intently 
 upon one of these tablets, in the public gardens, 
 when a celebrated courtezan, who was passing, 
 inquired what he saw there to fix his attention 
 so? " Something," he replied, " more beautiful 
 than your face." 
 
 1408. — The Chancellor Aguesseau wrote 
 a work on Jurisprudence, in four volumes, in the 
 quarter of an hour his wife each day kept him 
 waiting for his dinner. 
 
 1409. — When Mr. Justice Park was at 
 Harrowgate, a year or two ago, he had occasion 
 to write to town. Before dating his letter, re- 
 membering that Harrowgate is spelt both with 
 and without the w, he called the waiter, and, in 
 his usual hesitating manner, said, " Pray? waiter 
 
 — is there — a — w in Harrowgate? " — " Oh, 
 
 Sir," said the moral waiter, astounded at such 
 a query from a grave old gentleman : " Oh, Sir, 
 we never allow any such doings in this house ! " 
 
 1410. — Malhebbe, who prided himself on his 
 blunt honesty, was one day shewn by a courtier 
 some poetry, which stated that France moved out 
 of her place to receive her king. " Now this 
 must have happened in my lifetime," said Mal- 
 herbe.: " but upon my word, Sir, I do not recol- 
 lect it." 
 
JOE MILLER 275 
 
 1411. — In one of the sittings of the national 
 convention, Lanjuinais spoke against arbitrary 
 arrests. The deputy Legendre, a butcher by 
 profession, observing him insist upon his argu- 
 ment, cried out in a menacing tone, and with 
 fierce gesticulation — " Descend from the tribune, 
 or I will knock you on the head," Lanjuinais 
 replied with cool irony — " Cause me to be de- 
 creed an ox, and you shall knock me on the 
 head ! " 
 
 1412. — I Have a very favourable opinion 
 (says an old author) of that young gentleman 
 who is curious in fine mustachios. The time he 
 employs in adjusting, dressing, and curling 
 them, is no lost time ; for the more he contem- 
 plates his mustachios, the more his mind will 
 cherish, and be animated by, masculine and 
 courageous notions. 
 
 1413. — At One of the Holland-house Sun- 
 day dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crock- 
 ford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and 
 the noble hostess observed, that the female pas- 
 sion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than 
 the rage for play among men. " In short, you 
 think," said Mr. Rogers, " that clubs are worse 
 than diamonds." This joke excited a laugh, 
 and when it had subsided, Sidney Smith wrote 
 the following impromptu sermonet — most appro- 
 priately on a card: 
 
 " Thoughtless that ' all that's brightest fades,' 
 Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, 
 
276 JOE MILLER 
 
 The Sexton and his Subs': 
 How foolishly we play our parts ! 
 Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, 
 
 We set our hearts on clubs! 
 
 1414. — Amasis, a man of humble origin, was 
 the favourite, and afterwards the successor of 
 Apries, king of Egypt. Finding himself 
 somewhat despised by the people on account of 
 his mean extraction, he hit upon this method of 
 curing their folly : he caused a golden basin in 
 which he used to wash his feet, to be converted 
 into the statue of a god, and had it set up in 
 a conspicuous part of the capital. The super- 
 stitious multitude flocked to worship it. Amasis 
 now told them that the object of their veneration 
 had once been nothing but a vile utensil ; " and," 
 said he, " it is the same with me : I was formerly 
 a humble individual — I am now your king. 
 Take care, therefore, to respect me according to 
 the station I now hold." 
 
 1415. — Captain Morris, whose Bacchana- 
 lian songs are well known, was in his advanced 
 age compelled to exist on a small income. The 
 Duke of Norfolk, whose table he had for many 
 years gladdened, if not graced, was one evening 
 lamenting very pathetically to John Kemble, 
 over the fifth bottle, the precarious state of 
 Charles Morris's income : John did not like at 
 first to tell the Duke plainly what he, as a 
 wealthy man, ought to do; but when the sixth 
 bottle was produced, Kemble arose " like a 
 tower," and broke out, as Jack Bannister tells 
 
JOE MILLER 277 
 
 the story, into a sort of blank-verse speech, into 
 the numbers of which he always fell, when nearly 
 drunk. As Bannister relates it, the speech was 
 as follows, true, as Kemble ever was, to the very 
 rhythm of Shakspeare : 
 
 '• And does your grace sincerely thus regret 
 
 The destitute condition of your friend, 
 
 With whom you have passed so many pleasant hours? 
 
 Your Grace hath spoke of it most movingly. 
 
 Is't possible the highest peer o' th' realm, 
 
 Amidst the prodigalities of fortune, 
 
 Should see the woes which he would not relieve? 
 
 The empty breath and vapour of the world, 
 
 Of common sentiment, become no man: 
 
 How should it then be worthy of your Grace? 
 
 But Heaven, Lord Duke, hath placed you in a sphere, 
 
 Where the wish to be kind, and being so, 
 
 Are the same thing. A small annuity 
 
 From your o'erflowing hoards ; a nook of land, 
 
 Clipped from the boundless round of your domains, 
 
 Would ne'er be felt 'a monstrous cantle out ; ' 
 
 But you would be repaid with usury ; 
 
 Your gold, mv Lord, with prayers of grateful joy; 
 
 Your fields would be overflowed with thankful tears, 
 
 Ripening the harvest of a grateful heart." 
 
 It is almost needless to say what everybody knows 
 — that the Duke at once granted the prayer of 
 the actor's petition. 
 
 1416. — The Rabbins make the giant Gog or 
 Magog contemporary with Noah, and convinced 
 by his preaching. So that he was disposed to 
 take the benefit of the ark. But here lay the 
 distress ; it by no means suited his dimensions. 
 Therefore, as he could not enter in, he contented 
 himself to ride upon it astride. And though 
 you must suppose that, in that stormy weather, 
 
278 JOE MILLER 
 
 he was more than half boots over, he kept his 
 seat, and dismounted safely, when the ark 
 landed on Mount Ararat. Image now to your- 
 self this illustrious Cavalier mounted on his 
 hackney: and see if it does not bring before you 
 the Church, bestrid by some lumpish minister of 
 state, who turns and winds it at his pleasure. 
 
 1417. — The Distinctive Quality of Halle's 
 character was disinterestedness. Content with 
 the comforts which his patrimony procured, 
 he always shewed a marked predeliction for 
 pauper practice ; and even when his high reputa- 
 tion had gained him, as it were, in spite of him- 
 self, a brilliant list of patients, he displayed the 
 greatest ingenuity in the invention of pretexts 
 for the refusal of his fees. Not only (as is 
 indeed the common practice) did he refuse to 
 accept them from his friends, his professional 
 brethren, his acquaintance, and his most distant 
 relations ; he even excluded entire classes from 
 the number of those from whom he would submit 
 to receive them. Among these he reckoned ar- 
 tists, " because," he said, " as the son, the 
 brother, the nephew of artists, he considered 
 them all as his relations ; " and ecclesiastics, 
 " for," said he, " if they are poor, they owe me 
 nothing; if they are rich, their surplus belongs 
 to the poor." In a word, he would scarcely ac- 
 cept of remuneration except from a member of 
 the privileged classes. 
 
 1418. — A Gallant Soldier was once heard 
 to say, that his only measure of courage was this ; 
 
JOE MILLER 279 
 
 " Upon the first fire, I immediately look upon 
 myself as a dead man ; I then fight out the re- 
 mainder of the day, as regardless of danger as 
 a dead man should be. All the limbs which I 
 carry out of the field I regard as so much gained, 
 or as so much saved out of the fire." 
 
 1419. — A Physician attending a lady several 
 times, had received a couple of guineas each 
 visit ; at last, when he was going away, she gave 
 him but one; at which he was surprised, and 
 looking on the floor, as if in search of something, 
 she asked him what he looked for. " I believe, 
 Madam," said he, " I have dropt a guinea." — 
 " No, Sir," replied the lady, " it is I that have 
 dropt it." 
 
 1420. — The Persian Musicians appear to 
 have known the art of moving the passions, and 
 to have generally directed their music to the 
 heart. Al Farabi, a philosopher, who died about 
 the middle of the tenth century, on his return 
 from the pilgrimage of Mecca, introduced him- 
 self, though a stranger, at the court of Seifed- 
 doula, sultan of Syria. Musicians were acci- 
 dentally performing, and he joined them. The 
 prince admired him, and wished to hear some- 
 thing of his own. He drew a composition from 
 his pocket, and distributing the parts amongst 
 the band, the first movement threw the prince 
 and his courtiers into violent laughter ; the next 
 melted all into tears ; and the last lulled, even the 
 performers, asleep. 
 
280 JOE MILLER 
 
 1421. — When Pallas, the celebrated nat- 
 uralist, offered his collection of minerals to the 
 Russian government, he demanded, after calcu- 
 lating its value, the sum of 10,000 rubles for it. 
 Catherine herself examined the collection ; and, 
 taking the letter which M. Pallas had addressed 
 to the government, wrote on the margin in reply 
 — " M. Pallas is a learned mineralogist, but a 
 very bad calculator: we direct that he be paid 
 20,000 rubles for his collection." 
 
 1422. — The Extravagant Compliments 
 that are considered ordinary civilities by the na- 
 tives of Hindostan, astonish and puzzle the 
 European stranger. If totally unacquainted 
 with oriental manners, he recoils at their out- 
 rageous adulation, and is sure to regard it as 
 the most insulting irony. When the late Mar- 
 quis of Hastings was visited by one of the Rajahs 
 of the northern provinces, his Lordship inquired 
 after his health.* "Heavens!" exclaimed the 
 Rajah, " how can your lordship ask such a ques- 
 tion : in the presence of so great a man who could 
 be ill?" 
 
 1423. — Though the accounts left us of the 
 condition of authors in antiquity are very ob- 
 scure, it is quite clear from many passages, and 
 especially from one in Martial, that they sold 
 copies of their works ; but that what we call copy- 
 right was wholly unknown. The copyists 
 (librarii) were altogether distinct from the 
 booksellers (bibliopoles). The following, form- 
 ing part of the 118th Epigram, is the passage 
 
JOE MILLER 281 
 
 referred to : — " Whenever I meet you, Lupercus, 
 you say to me, l * Allow my slave to call on you 
 for the purpose of getting your volume of Epi- 
 grams, and I will return it when I have read it.' 
 Do not give your slave the trouble, is my reply. 
 My lodging is at a great distance, and I occupy 
 the third floor. You will find what you want 
 much nearer. You go often into the district of 
 Argiletum. There and near Caesar's place you 
 will find a shop, the doors of which are covered 
 with the names of poets ; enter and ask for me, 
 giving yourself no concern about Atrectus, the 
 shopkeeper; and from the first or second shelf a 
 Martial will be handed to you, polished and em- 
 bellished with purple ornaments, for which he 
 will demand of you five denarii — ' Eh ! ' you re- 
 join, ' you are not worth so much.' — Lupercus, 
 you are right." 
 
 1424. — The Fashion of shaving the beard 
 was first introduced into Greece about the time of 
 Alexander the Great. It was at first, however, 
 regarded as a mark of effeminacy, and was only 
 practiced by low persons and fops. The great 
 musician Timotheus wore a very long beard ; and 
 Diogenes one day meeting a man with a smoothly 
 shaven chin, inquired of him whether he shaved 
 as a reproach to nature for having made him a 
 man and not a woman? 
 
 1425. — " I Asked the little shabby bare- 
 footed boy, our guide, (says an American travel- 
 ler) whether he worked at a wool-manufactory 
 we were passing, ' No,' said he, rather 
 
m% JOE MILLER 
 
 bluntly ; ' I go to school ; my father's a 'squire.' 
 Thinking I did not hear correctly, I repeated the 
 question, and received the same answer. ' And 
 pray what is a 'squire — what does he do? ' — 
 ' Oh, he attends sessions, trials, and hears 
 causes.' — ' And what may your father do at 
 
 other times ? ' — ' He assists Mr. , at the 
 
 tavern there, in the bar ! ' " 
 
 1426. — Lord Kellie was, like his prototype 
 Falstaff, not only witty himself, but the cause 
 of wit in other men. Mr. A. Balfour, the Scot- 
 tish advocate, and a man of considerable humour, 
 accompanied by great formality of manners, 
 happened to be one of a convivial party, when 
 his lordship was at the head of the table. After 
 dinner he was asked to sing, but absolutely re- 
 fused to comply with the pressing solicitation of 
 the company. At length Lord Kellie told him 
 that he should not escape; he must either sing a 
 song, tell a story, or drink a pint bumper. Mr. 
 B. being an abstemious man, chose rather to tell 
 a story than incur the forfeit. " One day, (said 
 he in his pompous manner) a thief in the course 
 of his rounds saw the door of a church left in- 
 vitingly open. He walked in, thinking that even 
 there he might lay hold of something useful. 
 Having secured the pulpit cloth, he was retreat- 
 ing, when, lo ! he found the door shut. After 
 some consideration he adopted the only means 
 of escape left, namely, to let himself down by the 
 bell rope. The bell of course rung — the people 
 were alarmed, and the thief was taken just as 
 
JOE MILLER 283 
 
 lie reached the ground. When they were drag- 
 ging him away, he looked up, and emphatically 
 addressed the bell, as / now address your lord- 
 ship, Had it not been, said he, for your long 
 tongue, and your empty head, I should have 
 made my escape ! " 
 
 1427. — One Day Dean Swift observed a 
 great rabble assembled before the deanery door, 
 in Kevin street, and upon inquiring into the 
 cause of it he was told they were waiting to see 
 the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle 
 and told him what he should do. Away ran 
 Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time 
 among the crowd, bawled out — " O yes, O yes ! 
 all manner of persons here concerned are desired 
 to take notice, that it is the dean of St. Patrick's 
 good will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off 
 till this time to-morrow! so God save the King 
 and his reverence the Dean."— The mob upon 
 this dispersed, only some Irish wit more shrewd 
 and cunning than the rest, said with great self- 
 complacency, that " They would not lose another 
 afternoon, for that the dean who w r as a very 
 comical man might take it into his head to put 
 off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them 
 a second time." 
 
 1428. — During the reign of Toryism a cele- 
 brated Tobacconist, residing not one hundred 
 miles from St. James's Street, called upon Lord 
 E in the way of business. The conversa- 
 tion taking a political turn, the knight of pig- 
 
284 JOE MILLER 
 
 tail and short-cut ventured to make some cutting 
 remarks on the impolitic measures of the govern- 
 ment in the exaction of taxes ; the minister at 
 length getting into a rage which he had not 
 sufficient strength of mind to dissemble, rose 
 from his seat and ringing the bell, observed, 
 " you are a pretty fellow truly to talk to me 
 in this manner about politics ; go home, Sir, and 
 grind your snuff." To this tory retort this 
 small pounder of a cabinet minister, the worthy 
 tobacconist, coolly yet sarcastically replied — 
 " Grind my snuff ! — 'Tis better to grind snuff 
 than grind the people. — The people are at length 
 getting up to snuff." 
 
 1429. — Poor Washee was so pestered with a 
 Roman Catholic missionary that he consented to 
 turn Christian. He was duly baptised, and the 
 priest changed his heathen name of Washee to 
 that of the apostolic John. One of the duties 
 imposed on him was to eat no meat but fish on 
 Friday; which he very much objected to, and 
 only promised to observe through fear of eternal 
 punishment. The following Friday however 
 the priest called on the negro, and found him 
 busily employed upon a fine rump steak. The 
 horrified Catholic was commencing a long ser- 
 mon when master blakee exclaimed, — " Dis no 
 meat, massa, dis fine fish." — " How — how." — 
 " I'll tell you — you baptize poor Washee — you 
 sprinkle water in his face, and say your name 
 no more Washee — you called henceford John. — 
 Well, massa, me baptize beef-take — me sprinkle 
 
JOE MILLER 285 
 
 water on it — me say, your name no more meat, 
 you called henceford fish." 
 
 1430. — Michael Angelo, the great sculp- 
 tor and poet, ( for some of his sonnets and other 
 pieces are extremely grand and beautiful) early 
 evinced a strong inclination for the art. His 
 progress was so astonishing that at the age of 
 fourteen he is said to have rivalled, and even 
 been able to correct the drawings of his master 
 Domenico Ghirlaudajo. When he was an old 
 man one of these drawings being shewn to him, 
 he modestly said, " In my youth I was a better 
 artist than I am now." — His quickness of eye was 
 wonderful, he used to say that a sculptor should 
 carry his compass in his eye; the hands, indeed, 
 said he, do the work, but the eye judges. Of his 
 power of eye he was so certain that having once 
 ordered a block of marble to be brought to him 
 he told the stone-cutter to cut away some partic- 
 ular parts of the marble, and to polish others. 
 Very soon an exquisite figure starts out from the 
 block. The stone-cutter looking amazed. — " My 
 friend," says Michael, " what do you think of it 
 now? " — " I hardly know what to think of it," 
 answered the astonished mechanic, " it is a very 
 fine figure, to be sure. I have infinite obliga- 
 tions to you, Sir, for thus making me discover 
 in myself a talent which I never knew I pos- 
 sessed." — Angelo, full of great and sublime 
 ideas of his art, lived very much alone, and never 
 suffered a day to pass without handling his 
 chisel, or his pencil. When some person re- 
 
286 JOE MILLER 
 
 proached him, with living so melancholy and 
 solitary a life, he said, " Art is a jealous mis- 
 tress, she requires possession of the whole heart." 
 
 1431. As THE COMMANDEUR DE SlKLERY, 
 
 who was ambassador from France to the Pope, 
 was one day walking with the Venetian ambassa- 
 dor, in the Square before the beautiful church of 
 the Giesu at Rome, — (where it appears there is 
 always air, even in the hottest day of summer) 
 he said to him — " What an odd thing it is that 
 there should always be something of a breeze 
 here, can your excellency account for it? " — 
 " Perfectly well," replied the Venetian, " upon 
 a tradition that has long been current in this 
 city. The devil and the wind were one day walk- 
 ing together in the streets of Rome, when coming 
 to the Jesuit's College, in this place, the devil 
 said to the wind, ' Pray be so good as to stay 
 here a minute or two, I have a word to say to 
 these good fathers within.' — The devil, as the 
 story goes, never returned to his companion, who 
 has been waiting ever since for him at the door ! " 
 
 1432. — A Boy having run away from school 
 to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, " that 
 death would be perpetually staring him in the 
 face ; " to which he replied, " Well, what of that, 
 every ship is provided with shrouds.'* 
 
 1433. — A Facetious Fellow having un- 
 wittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter 
 told him he was no " Gentleman." — " Are you a 
 Gentleman? " asked the droll one.—" Yes, Sir," 
 
JOE MILLER 287 
 
 bounced the fop. " Then I am very glad / am 
 not," replied the other. 
 
 1434. — Thomas Fuller, the historian, so 
 well known for his quaint sayings and bright 
 points, was one day riding with a gentleman 
 named Sparrowhawk. The name roused his 
 fancy, and he asked him what was the difference 
 between "a Sparrowhawk and an owl?" — 
 " Why, Sir," replied his companion, " the owl is 
 fuller in the head, fuller in the body, and fuller 
 all over." 
 
 1435. — An Old Spitalfields Weaver a 
 short time ago returned by one of the Dover 
 coaches to town, who very much amused his fel- 
 low travellers by his singular inquiries and droll 
 remarks. As the coach was descending Chatham 
 Hill, he discovered, as he stooped to pick up his 
 gin bottle, that the wheel was locked — in a great 
 fright, he bawled out, " Coachman ! stop coach- 
 man ! vy ve don't go on, the veel don't go round." 
 
 1436. — Some Caution is requisite in passing 
 our opinion upon strangers — a caution, however, 
 which few of us adopt. At a public levee at the 
 Court of St. James's, a gentleman said to Lord 
 Chesterfield, " Pray, my Lord, who is that tall 
 awkward woman yonder? " — " That lady, Sir," 
 replied his Lordship, " is my sister! " The gen- 
 tleman reddened with confusion, and stammered 
 out, " No — no, my lord — I beg your pardon — I 
 meant that very ugly woman who 'stands next 
 to the Queen."— " That lady, Sir," answered 
 
288 JOE MILLER 
 
 Lord Chesterfield calmly — " that lady, Sir, is — 
 my wife! " 
 
 1437. — -A Lady meeting a girl who had lately 
 left her service, inquired — " Well, Mary, where 
 do you live now? " — " Please, Ma'am, I don't 
 live no where now," rejoined the girl, " I'm mar- 
 ried ! " 
 
 1438. — Two Bucks, lately sitting over a pint 
 of wine made up for the deficiency of port b} T 
 the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had 
 passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding 
 it to his friend, said, " If this nut could speak, 
 what would it say?" — "Why," rejoined the 
 other, " it would say, give me none of your jaw." 
 
 1439. — Nicolini, the dramatic writer, no less 
 enthusiastic in his politics than in his poetry, 
 was librarian to the Grand Duke of Florence. 
 He requested his discharge. " Why so, Nico- 
 lini ? " said Ferdinand. " Highness ! my senti- 
 ments are adverse to the occupation," answered 
 he, " and I never mount this stair-case but with 
 abhorrence. Let me plainly say it, I detest the 
 service of princes ! " The Grand Duke was sur- 
 prised at language so intemperate ; but, know- 
 ing that Nicolini was an irreproachable man, and 
 that nothing was remoter from his character than 
 ingratitude, he replied, " Well, Nicolini, if you 
 insist on your discharge, you must have it. I 
 have nothing to say-, when your conscience and 
 feelings will not permit you to retain the office." 
 Within four or five days, his younger brother was 
 
JOE FILLER 289 
 
 promoted to the rank of captain ; and, going to 
 court on the occasion, the Grand Duke asked him 
 very particularly how the elder did, without the 
 slightest reference to what had passed, and men- 
 tioned him as a very worthy man, and one whose 
 talents did honour to his family and his country. 
 Soon afterwards, a new place was created for the 
 republican, more congenial to him, that of lec- 
 turer to the Academy of Painting and Sculp- 
 ture. In this manner did Ferdinand treat his 
 subjects whose sentiments were adverse to his 
 form of Government. Never has any man ap- 
 proached so near to a command which no one 
 has executed, Love those who curse you. Good 
 nature, patience, forbearance, reconciliation of 
 one family to another, the reverse of what is as- 
 sumed for a motto by many rulers, were his daily 
 practices. 
 
 1440. — The Grand Duke (Ferdinand of 
 Florence) was much occupied in building, and 
 was often out of doors among the labourers. He 
 was watching them one day, (for masons, of all 
 workmen, want watching the most,) when a 
 bucket- full of rubbish was thrown down, and 
 covered him from head to foot. Something of 
 pain was added to his surprise, and, uttering one 
 exclamation, he hurried toward the palace-door 
 on the side of the garden. The labourer heard 
 a voice, and looking down, and seeing a hat on 
 the ground, covered with mortar, he descended 
 the ladder from curiosity. Turning his bodv 
 from it, the first object he beheld was the Grand 
 
290 JOE MILLER 
 
 Duke, standing against the wall under the scaf- 
 folding and wiping his shoulder with his hand- 
 kerchief. The labourer threw himself on his 
 knees,- implored forgiveness, — prayed the Vir- 
 •gin to soften his heart, — could never have sup- 
 posed that his Highness was below. " It is well 
 it was I," replied the good man in the midst of 
 this, and still wiping his shoulder and sleeves ; 
 " say nothing about it." For he knew that, if 
 it had happened to a prime minister or a prime 
 menial, the poor creature of a mason would have 
 been dismissed. And, perhaps, he suspected it 
 might happen so; for some days afterwards he 
 asked, " How many were at work? " and (when it 
 was told him) " Whether the same number had 
 been there constantly?" Inquisitive man, how 
 he idled and trifled ! and at a time when the first 
 princes and opera dancers in the world were at 
 the Congress of Vienna, fixing the fate of na- 
 tions ! 
 
 1441. — At a Doctor's Shop, a few doors 
 from Westminster Bridge may be seen written 
 
 up, the following notification : — " J. R , 
 
 Surgeon, Apothecary, Accoucheur, and Chemist 
 to the King" 
 
 1442. — " You Find Me Older," observed 
 Louis XIV. to Pcirre Mignard, the painter, as 
 he sketched the likeness of the King. " Some 
 campaigns only, please your Majesty," replied 
 the skilful artist. 
 
 1443. — Hollar, the celebrated engraver, 
 
JOE MILLER 291 
 
 died, as he had for the greater part of his life 
 lived, in the greatest poverty. Within a few 
 days of his dissolution bailiffs were sent to seize 
 the bed on which he lay, for a small debt which 
 he was unable to discharge. " Spare me," said 
 the expiring artist, " my bed for a little while — 
 only till I find another in the grave." 
 
 1444. — " I Was Charmed," says Lord Ox- 
 ford, " with the answer of a poor man in Bedlam, 
 who was insulted by an apprentice, because he 
 would not tell him why he was confined. The 
 unhappy creature at last said, ' Because God 
 Almighty has deprived me of a blessing which 
 you never had.' " 
 
 1445. — A Certain Bishop having recently 
 conferred a piece of preferment on an able and 
 amiable divine, resident near London, the gentle- 
 man wrote to his son, who is at school at 
 Brighton, announcing the circumstance ; add- 
 ing, how extremely kind the bishop had been in 
 giving him a stall ; to which the youth returned 
 the following answer : " Dear father, I am ex- 
 tremely glad to hear of your preferment — now 
 the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps 
 you will keep another horse." 
 
 1146. — Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, 
 in winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the 
 ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to go 
 so? The man of many wants replied, "Why, 
 Sir, you go with your face bare ; I am all face." 
 
292 JOE MILLER 
 
 A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether 
 taken in a jocose or a philosophical sense. 
 
 1447. — " How do You Find Yourself, Mrs. 
 Judy? " said a St. Bartholomew's surgeon, after 
 taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman — 
 " How do I find myself? why, without my arm 
 — how the devil else should I find myself? " was 
 Mrs. Judy's reply. 
 
 1448. — Mr. Justice P , a well-meaning, 
 
 but particularly prosing Judge, on one of his 
 country circuits, had to try a man for stealing a 
 quantity of copper. In his charge he had fre- 
 quent occasion to mention the " copper," which 
 he uniformly called " lead," adding, " I beg 
 your pardon, gentlemen — copper; but I can't 
 get the lead out of my head? " At this candid 
 confession the whole court shouted with laughter. 
 
 1449. — Two Scotch Clergymen, who were 
 not so long-headed as they themselves imagined, 
 met one day in the turning of a street, and ran 
 their heads together unawares. The shock was 
 rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off 
 his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, 
 said, " Sic a thump ! my heed's a' ringing again." 
 — " Nae wonder," said his companion, " your 
 heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; 
 my heed disna ring a bit." — " Flow could it 
 ring," said the other, " seeing it is craclcetf 
 Cracket vessels never ring." Each described the 
 other to a T. 
 
 1450. — At the Middlesex Sessions, a boy 
 
JOE MILLER 293 
 
 was called as a witness in a case of assault, and 
 before he gave evidence, Mr. Const, the Chair- 
 man, asked him if he knew the nature of an oath. 
 The boy said he did. " Have you learnt your 
 Catechism?" inquired the Chairman. "Yes," 
 said the boy. " Does not one of the command- 
 ments forbid you to lie? " — " Yes, Sir," said the 
 boy. " What are the words of that command- 
 ment? " asked the Chairman. " Thou shalt not 
 commit adultery, Sir," answered the boy. The 
 answer created a roar of laughter in Court. 
 
 1451. — Sir William Curtis lately sat near 
 a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the 
 excellence of the knives, adding, " that articles 
 manufactured from Cast steel were of a very 
 superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c." — 
 " Aye," replied the facetious Baronet, " and 
 soap too — there's no soap like Castile soap." 
 
 1452. — A Miller, who attempted to be witty 
 at the expense of a youth of weak intellects, ac- 
 costed him with, " John, people say that you are 
 a fool." To this, John replies, " I don't know 
 that I am, Sir; I know some things, Sir, and 
 some things I don't know, Sir." — " Well, John, 
 what do you know? " — " I know that millers 
 always have fat hogs, Sir." — " And what don't 
 you know? " — " I don't know whose corn they 
 eat, Sir." 
 
 1453.— The Late Cecil, of St. John's, Bed- 
 ford-row, was, as is well known, a shrewd ob- 
 server of men and manners. One day he met, in 
 
294 JOE MILLER 
 
 the course of his walks, an Italian with a box 
 of plaster medals. They were superior even to 
 Bani's best. Cecil, who was also a man of some 
 taste in the fine arts, appreciated them at once, 
 and told the artist that he might soon make a 
 fortune by his casts. The poor fellow could not 
 make bread by them. Cecil was amazed, and 
 asked, if he had exhibited them properly? " Ah, 
 Sair," said the Italian, " dere is no getting on 
 here vitout a monkey and a feedle." Cecil did 
 not forget this. Being some time after, at a 
 Committee of ways and means in behalf of a 
 Humane Institution, the funds of which were de- 
 clining, one member said, " We must have a 
 popular preacher to the Chapel of the Institu- 
 tion, or we shall not get on." Another said, 
 " We must have a new organ, too, or we shall not 
 get on." — " True," said Cecil, " as the Italian 
 said, there is no getting on here without a 
 monkey and fiddle." He then told his story, 
 which, by the way, cuts wider and deeper than he 
 seems to have discerned at the time. 
 
 1454. — When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prus- 
 sian traveller) was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, 
 " I suppose you are quite happy now ; the coun- 
 try looks like a garden, and every village has its 
 minaret." — " God is great ! " replied the peas- 
 ant ; " our master gives with one hand and takes 
 with two." 
 
 1455. — Franz Hayman was a dull dog. 
 When he buried his wife, a friend asked him why 
 he expended so much money on her funeral? 
 
JOE MILLER 295 
 
 " Ah, Sir ! " replied he, " she would have done as 
 much, or more, for me, with pleasure." 
 
 1456. — A Gentleman travelling through 
 France during summer, ordered his servant to 
 wake him at six o'clock in the morning. Wher 
 at that hour the man entered the bed-room, hie 
 master inquired, " what sort of weather is it? " 
 The sleepy servant drew open what, in the dark, 
 appeared to him a window-shutter, and replied, 
 " Monsieur, il ne fait point de terns; et il sent 
 le fromage — Sir, there is no weather at all; and 
 it smells of cheese." He had opened a waiter's 
 store cupboard. 
 
 1457. — Diogenes once said to Aristippus, 
 " If you could eat cabbages, you would not have 
 to pay your court to the great ; " to which Aris- 
 tippus replied, " If you could pay your court to 
 the great, you would not have to eat cabbages." 
 
 1458. — " Before I Begin to Drink, my 
 business is over for the day." — " My business is 
 over for the day when I begin to drink." 
 
 1459. — A Witty Poet, no longer living, 
 being one day brought up to Bow-street for some 
 nocturnal squabble, the following dialogue took 
 place between him and the presiding magistrate : 
 " How do you live, Sir? " — " Pretty well, Sir, 
 generally a joint and pudding at dinner." — " I 
 mean, Sir, how do you get your bread? " — " I 
 beg your worship's pardon ; sometimes at the 
 baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop ! " 
 " You may be as witty as you please, Sir," re- 
 
296 JOE MILLER 
 
 torted the magistrate, " but I mean simply to ask 
 you how you do? " — " Tolerably well, I thank 
 your worship, I hope your worship is well ! " 
 
 1460. — A Prudent Poet, about the begin- 
 ning of the civil, or rather uncivil troubles of 
 men of his kidney in England's rebellious days, 
 was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he 
 would be buried? " With my face downward, 
 for in a while this England will be turned upside 
 down, and then I shall be right." 
 
 1461. — In Shakspeare we find a very whim- 
 sical portrait of the character of Graziano in the 
 Merchant of Venice, by his friend Bassanio ; such 
 as would have made an excellent motto for the 
 title page of Boswell's Life of Johnson, and 
 ought to have been prefixed to every edition. 
 Nothing could more happily apply to the char- 
 acter of the biographer : — " Graziano speaks an 
 infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in 
 all Venice : his reasons are as two grains of wheat 
 hid in two bushels of chaff ! you shall seek all day 
 e'er you find them ; and when you have them they 
 are not worth the search." The learned and 
 facetious Lord Monboddo was once conversing 
 on this last topic : " I have lived," said his lord- 
 ship, " to see my country humbled in arts, and 
 humbled in arms; but I never expected to have 
 seen Scotland humbled to the admiration of Dr. 
 Samuel Johnson." 
 
 1462. — It Was Once Inquired, " Why men 
 sooner gave to poor people, than to poets and 
 
JOE .MILLER 297 
 
 scholars." — " It is," said one, " because they 
 think they may sooner come to be poor than 
 either poets or scholars." 
 
 1463. — The Characters of Nations are 
 sometimes observable in their modes of saluting. 
 In some of the southern provinces of China they 
 say, " Ya faaf — Have you eaten your rice? " 
 their content depending upon a sufficiency of that 
 article. The Dutch, being great eaters, have a 
 morning salutation of, " Smaakelyk eeten? — 
 May you eat a hearty dinner? " — and another 
 arising out of their early nautical habits, " Hae 
 vaart nwe? — How do you sail? " The usual sal- 
 utation at Cairo is, " How do you sweat? " a dry 
 hot skin being indicative of ephemeral fever. A 
 proud stiff Spaniard says, " Come esta? — How 
 do you stand? " while the levity of the French- 
 man appears, " How do you carry yourself? " 
 
 1464. — In an Old Drama on the subject of 
 the Deluge, Noah summons his wife into the ark, 
 and on her refusing to come in, swears at her by 
 John the Baptist. 
 
 1465. — In a Debate upon some projected im- 
 provement of the streets of Edinburgh, the Dean 
 of Faculty wittily said that the forwardness of 
 the clergy, and the backwardness of the medical 
 faculty had spoiled the finest street in Europe, 
 alluding to the projection of the colonnade of 
 St. Andrew's church on St. George's street, and 
 the recession of the medical hall. 
 
 1466- — At the New Tivoli at Paris, some 
 
298 JOE MILLER 
 
 experiments have been made upon a Spaniard for 
 the purpose, we presume, of ascertaining what 
 degree of heat it takes to bake a man alive. A 
 person named Martinez, about forty -three years 
 of age, was put into a cylindrical oven, which 
 had been heated four hours by a very powerful 
 fire. Here he remained fourteen minutes, with 
 a fowl roasting by his side. When put in again, 
 he ate the fowl and drank a bottle of wine. At 
 the third experiment, he was stretched upon a 
 plank stuck round with lighted candles, but had 
 remained only five minutes, when the horrified 
 spectators drew him out alive and merry amidst 
 the suffocating fumes of the melted tallow. 
 
 1467. — Illicit Traffic is carried on to a 
 great extent in the department of the Rhine by 
 dogs educated for that purpose. In the district 
 of the Sarreguemines alone, from March 1827 to 
 March in the year 1829, 58,277 dogs crossed the 
 Rhine on this unlawful pursuit. Of these, 2477 
 lost their lives in the adventure ; but the remain- 
 ing 55,800 got clear off with their spoil, bark- 
 ing a hoarse laugh at the custom-house officers. 
 It is supposed that they carried with them 
 140,000 kilogrammes of contraband goods. 
 
 1468. — Louis XVI. was an excellent lock- 
 smith : Ferdinand the Beloved is famous for his 
 embroidery of petticoats. The present Emperor 
 of Austria is said to make the best sealing-wax in 
 Europe. He examines, with care, the seal of 
 every letter brought him, and is delighted when 
 he can say, as he generally does, " My own wax 
 
JOE MILLER 299 
 
 is better than that ! " It is a pity that the em- 
 ployments of kings are not always as innocent. 
 Ferdinand would have no doubt made an excel- 
 lent linen-draper's shopman, had he been placed 
 where nature designed him to be fixed ; and the 
 representative of the Caesars would have made an 
 excellent managing clerk in the house of certain 
 wholesale stationers. 
 
 1469. — " Lord Eldon should leave all his 
 property to endow a madhouse," said Jekyll to 
 Lord R. Seymour, in talking of the late discus- 
 sions respecting the law of the insane. " A mad- 
 house? " said Lord Robert; " why so? "— " His 
 lordship gained his fortune by those who were 
 mad enough to go into Chancery ; it would only 
 be an act of restitution, if he were to leave it to 
 Bedlam." 
 
 1470. — " Why, you have never opened your 
 mouth this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge 
 to Mr. Gye. " I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas," 
 replied Mr. Gye ; " your speeches have made me 
 open it very frequently. My jaws have ached 
 with yawning." 
 
 1471. — Peter the Great was jealous to 
 fury. He once broke to pieces a fine Venetian 
 glass in one of his frenzies, saying to his wife, 
 " You see it needed but one blow of my arm to 
 make this glass return to the dust whence it 
 came ! " Catherine answered with her natural 
 gentleness and sweetness, " You have destroyed 
 
300 JOE MILLER 
 
 the finest ornament in your palace ; do you think 
 you have made it more splendid? " 
 
 1472. — A Circumstance lately happened at 
 Amherst Island, which shews that nil desperan- 
 dum is a good rule in the most desperate circum- 
 stances. A tiger breaking into a shed, in which 
 a colt and a pony were sheltered, killed the 
 former. The pony then attacked the tiger, and 
 pummelled him so heartily with his heels about 
 the head and ribs, that he knocked out some of 
 the monster's teeth, and all his courage, for he 
 had just strength enough to crawl to a nullah 
 hard by, where he was found by the natives 
 shortly afterwards, as he appeared so much 
 bruised that he could hardly move. They ac- 
 cordingly fell upon him, and killed him with 
 bludgeons. Previous to this, five horses had been 
 killed near the spot. 
 
 1473. — Bonaparte, on being applied to 
 against the exorbitant contributions levied by 
 General Massena, said, " If I had two Massenas 
 I would hang the one as an example to the 
 other." — " Then hang General Secchj, who is as 
 bad as Massena." — " I am sorry, gentlemen, that 
 you should have fixed on two men I cannot at 
 this moment dispense with; but if you can point 
 out any other less exorbitant, I'll have him 
 hanged immediately." 
 
 1474. — The Two Brothers Fosadoni lived 
 at Venice. The Abbe was a man of great lit- 
 erary knowledge, and a distinguished poet. On 
 
JOE MILLER 301 
 
 their father's death they divided between them 
 the patrimonial property. One entered into 
 commercial speculations, and thereby very much 
 increased his funds ; the Abbe, of a far more gen- 
 erous disposition than his brother, was little 
 calculated to follow his example ; but instead 
 of accumulating his wealth, by his benevo- 
 lence, which was always prone to assist the 
 poor, and mitigate the general wants of 
 suffering humanity, and by the encouragement 
 he afforded, in particular, to those of his 
 own profession, he was soon reduced to the 
 necessity of calling on his brother for assistance ; 
 whereupon his brother replied, " Foreseeing the 
 result of all your literary pursuits, I have laid 
 aside eight hundred ducats for your funeral ex- 
 penses, when it may please God to call you into 
 his good keeping, that you should not disgrace 
 the family name in being buried by the parish," 
 to which the Abbe Fosadoni replied, " Send me 
 half that sum now while I am living, and at my 
 death I will give you a receipt in full of all de- 
 mands, for value received." 
 
 1475. — Lord Alvanley is not only a wit 
 among lords, but a lord among wits. He has all 
 the piquancy of Brummel's dialogue, combined 
 with a suavity of manner peculiarly his own. On 
 one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a per- 
 son 1001. as a bribe, to conceal something which 
 would have involved the reputation of a lady. 
 On that person's application for the money, his 
 Lordship wrote a check for 25Z. and presented it 
 
302 JOE MILLER 
 
 to him. " But, my Lord, you promised me 
 100Z." " True," said his Lordship, « I did so; 
 
 but you know, Mr. , that I am now making 
 
 arrangements with all my creditors at 5s. in the 
 
 pound. Now you must see, Mr. , that if I 
 
 were to pay you at a higher rate than I pay them, 
 I should be doing my creditors an injustice!" 
 
 1476. — When Lord Alvaneey was staying 
 at Lord Cowper's, a box with the Royal Arms 
 on it arrived, and, when opened, was found to 
 contain four pineapples, the magnificent gift of 
 the generous Prince Leopold. " I wonder," said 
 Lady Cowper, " that the Prince should send us 
 pines ; there are plenty of pines here ; besides, 
 though we have seen him, we don't know him." — 
 " Oh, depend on it," said Lord Alvanley, " he 
 wants to spend a month at Pensangar; he'll be 
 down soon after his pines : so, if you want to pre- 
 vent him, send him up in return four rabbits: 
 they are as rare in town as pines here ! " 
 
 1477. — The Founder of the Sforza Fam- 
 ily, and father of Francesco, the first Duke of 
 Milan, who died, about 1465, was a peasant, and 
 following his labour, when he was invited by his 
 companions to follow the army. He did not 
 draw lots whether he should go or not, but threw 
 his spade into an oak, declaring, that if it fell 
 to the ground he would continue his labours ; but 
 if it hung in the tree he would try his fortune 
 as a soldier. Some bit of a branch intercepted 
 its fall, and gave a father to a long line of 
 princes, the most splendid sovereigns of Italy. 
 
JOE MILLER 303 
 
 1478. — When Brummell was the great 
 oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was very 
 anxious to bespeak the approbation of the " Em- 
 peror of the Dandies " for a " cut," which he 
 had just patronized. The Duke, in the course 
 of his eulogy on his Schneider, had frequently 
 occasion to use the words " my coat." — " Your 
 coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell : " what 
 coat? " — " Why this coat," said Leinster; " this 
 coat that I have on." Brummell, after regard- 
 ing the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, 
 walked up to the duke, and taking the collar be- 
 tween his finger and thumb, as if fearful of con- 
 tamination — " What, duke, do you call that 
 thing a coat? " 
 
 1479. — During the short time that Lord By- 
 ron was in parliament, a petition, setting forth 
 the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, 
 was one evening presented, and very coldly re- 
 ceived by the " hereditary legislative wisdom." 
 " Ah," said Lord B}^ron, " what a misfortune it 
 was for the Irish that they w T ere not born black ! 
 They would then have had plenty of friends in 
 both houses." 
 
 1480. — It was an excellent reply made to a 
 lady of notorious character, by a virtuous 
 Frenchman, when she tried to seduce him to the 
 commission of a dishonourable act — " Infamie, 
 Madame, is of the feminine gender." 
 
 1481. — When " Rob Roy " first appeared, a 
 party was made at Mr. John Wilson's house at 
 
304 JOE MILLER 
 
 Elleray, to read it. Mr. Wordsworth was in- 
 vited, among others, to the party ; and, as a spe- 
 cial inducement to go, he was informed that the 
 illustrious author had chosen the motto for his 
 novel from his name-sake poem, " Rob Roy." 
 The verbose and venerable Laker accordingly 
 went ; and when the volumes were laid on the 
 table, he eagerly turned to the title-page, where 
 he read — 
 
 " For why? because the good old rule 
 Sufficeth them — the simple plan 
 That they should take who have the power, 
 And they should keep who can." 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen," quoth the author of 
 the " Excursion," and other universally-read 
 poems, " you see this motto : it is from a poem 
 of mine, — the volume containing which I have 
 brought in my pocket ; and lest you should not 
 understand the novel for want of knowing thor- 
 oughly my poem, I mean to read my verses to 
 you." He accordingly began- 5 — 
 
 " A famous man was Robin Hood," &c. 
 
 and went on to the conclusion, not even omitting 
 a comma, and then putting the vivacious tome 
 into his pocket again, he said, " Ladies and gen- 
 tlemen, I leave you to your novel," and walked 
 home ! 
 
 1482. — General O'Hara, who was taken 
 prisoner by Buonaparte at Toulon, in his first 
 military achievement, and who was a man of 
 sound sense, said of the future Emperor, " I do 
 
JOE MILLER 305 
 
 not know what that young man's future fortunes 
 may be ; but all the questions he put to me, were 
 such as Locke would have written down for a 
 prime pupil to ask." 
 
 1483. — At the Close of an Election at 
 Lewes, the late Duke of Newcastle was so de- 
 lighted with the conduct of a casting voter, that 
 he almost fell upon his neck and kissed him. 
 " My dear friend ! I love you dearly. You're 
 the greatest man in the world. I long to serve 
 you. What can I do for you? " — " May it 
 please your grace, an exciseman of this town is 
 very old : I would beg leave to succeed him as soon 
 as he shall die." — " Aye, that you shall, with all 
 my heart. I wish, for your sake, he were dead 
 and buried now. As soon as he is, set out to 
 me, my dear friend ; be it night or day, insist 
 upon seeing me, sleeping or waking. If I am 
 not at Claremont, come to Lincoln's-inn-fields ; 
 if I am not at Lincoln's-inn-fields, come to court ; 
 if I am not at court, never rest till you find me ; 
 not the sanctum sanctorum, or any place, shall 
 be kept sacred from such a dear, worthy, good 
 soul as you are. Nay, I'll give orders for you 
 to be admitted, though the king and I were talk- 
 ing secrets together in the cabinet." The voter 
 swallowed evei^thing with extasy, and scraping 
 down to the very ground, retired to wait in faith 
 for the death of the exciseman. The latter took 
 his leave of this wicked world in the following 
 winter. As soon as ever the duke's friend was 
 apprised of it, he set off for London, and reached 
 
306 JOE MILLER 
 
 Lincoln's-inn-fields by about two o'clock in the 
 morning. The King of Spain had, about this 
 time, been seized by a disorder, which some of 
 the English had been induced to believe, from 
 particular expresses, he could not possibly sur- 
 vive. Amongst these, the noble duke was the 
 most credulous, and probably the most anxious. 
 On the very first moment of receiving his intelli- 
 gence, he had dispatched couriers to Madrid, who 
 were commanded to return with unusual haste 
 as soon as ever the death of his Catholic majesty 
 should have been announced. Ignorant of the 
 hour in which they might arrive, and impatient 
 of the fate of every hour, the duke would not 
 retire to his rest till he had given the strictest 
 orders to his attendants to send any person to his 
 chamber who should desire an admittance. 
 When the voter asked if he was at home, he was 
 answered by the porter, " Yes ; his grace has 
 been in bed some time, but we were directed to 
 awaken him as soon as ever you came." — " Ah, 
 God bless him ! I know thst the duke always told 
 me I should be welcome by night or by day. 
 Pray, shew me up." The happy visitor was 
 scarcely conducted to the door, when he rushed 
 into the room, and in the transport of his joy 
 he cried out, " My lord, he is dead ! "— " That's 
 well, my dear friend ! I'm glad of it, with all 
 my soul. When did he die? " — " The morning 
 before last, and please your grace." — " What, 
 so lately ? Why, my worthy, good creature, you 
 must have flown. The lightning itself could not 
 
JOE MILLER 307 
 
 travel half so fast as you. Tell me, you best 
 cf men, how shall I reward you? " " All I wish 
 for in this world is, that your grace would please 
 to remember your kind promise, and appoint me 
 to succeed him." — " You, you blockhead ! — you 
 King of Spain ! What family pretensions can 
 you have? Let's look at you." By this time the 
 astonished duke threw back the curtains, and 
 recollected the face of his electioneering friend ; 
 but it was seen with rage and disappointment. 
 To have robbed him of his rest, might easily 
 have been forgiven ; but to have fed him with a 
 groundless supposition that the King of Spain 
 was dead, became a matter of resentment. He 
 was at first dismissed with all the violence of 
 anger and refusal. At length the victim of his 
 passion became an object of his mirth; and when 
 he felt the ridicule that marked the incident, he 
 raised the candidate for monarchy into a post, 
 which, from the colour of the present times, may 
 seem at least as honourable — he made him an 
 exciseman. 
 
 1484. — In the Year 1775, Sir Joshua Rey- 
 nolds painted a portrait of his friend, Dr. John- 
 son, which represented him as reading, and 
 near-sighted. When the doctor saw it, he re- 
 proved Sir Joshua for painting him in that 
 manner and attitude, saying, " It is not friendly 
 to hand down to posterity the imperfections of 
 any man." But, on the contrary, Sir Joshua 
 himself esteemed it as a circumstance in nature 
 to be remarked as characterizing the person rep- 
 
308 JOE MILLER 
 
 resented, and therefore as giving additional 
 value to the portrait. On this circumstance 
 Mrs. Thrale observed to Johnson, " That he 
 would not be known by posterity for his defects 
 only, therefore Sir Joshua might do his worst." 
 And when she adverted to Sir Joshua's own pic- 
 ture, painted with the ear-trumpet, and done in 
 the same year, the doctor replied, " Lie may 
 paint himself as deaf as he chooses ; but I will not 
 be blinking Sam in the eyes of posterity." 
 
 1485. — At Calcutta, the Indians, from see- 
 ing the steamboat stemming wind, tide, and cur- 
 rent, have called it Sheitaun Koonoo, the devil's 
 boat. An intelligent Persian Syyud, wishing to 
 compliment our national ingenuity, thus ex- 
 pressed himself : — " When arts were in their in- 
 fancy, it was natural to give the devil credit for 
 any new invention ; but now, so advanced are the 
 English in every kind of improvement, that they 
 are more than a match for the devil him- 
 self!" 
 
 1486. — A Country Clergyman, who, on 
 Sunday, is more indebted to his manuscript than 
 his memory, called unceremoniously at a cot- 
 tage, whilst its possessor, a pious parishioner, 
 was engaged in perusing a paragraph of the 
 writings of an inspired prophet. " Weel, John," 
 familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, " what's 
 this you are about? " — " I am prophesying," 
 was the prompt reply. " Prophesying ! " ex- 
 claimed the astounded divine, " I doubt you are 
 only reading a prophecy." — " Weel," argued 
 
JOE MILLER 309 
 
 the religious rustic, " gif reading a preachin' be 
 preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesy- 
 ing? " 
 
 1487. — An Uninformed Irishman, hearing 
 the sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to 
 a friend, " Sphinx! who's he now? " — " A mon- 
 ster man." — " Oh, a Munster-man! I thought he 
 was from Connaught,' 5 replied the Irishman, de- 
 termined not to seem totally unacquainted with 
 the family. 
 
 1488. — When Dr. Johnson was in the island 
 of Mull, one of the Hebrides, he visited the Laird 
 of Loch Buy, who, according to the usual custom 
 among the Highlanders, demanded the name of 
 his guest ; and upon being informed that it was 
 Johnson, inquired, " Which of the Johnsons? of 
 Glencoc or Ardnamurchan ? " — " Neither ! " re- 
 plied the doctor, somewhat piqued by the ques- 
 tion, and not a little sulky with the fatigue he 
 had encountered during the day's journev. 
 " Neither! " rejoined the Laird, with all the 
 native roughness of a genuine Highlander, 
 " then you must be a bastard! " 
 
 1489. — Some time after Louis XIV. had 
 collated the celebrated Bossuet to the Bishopric 
 of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked 
 their new bishop. " Why, your majesty, we like 
 him pretty well." — " Prettv well ! why what 
 fault have you to find with him?"— "To tell 
 your majesty the truth, we should have preferred 
 having a bishop who had finished his education ; 
 
310 JOE MILLER 
 
 for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that 
 he is at his studies." 
 
 1490. — Previous to a late general election, 
 two candidates for a northern county met in a 
 ball-room. "Why do you sit still?" said a 
 friend to one of them, " whilst your opponent 
 is tripping it so assiduously with the electors' 
 wives and daughters ? " The aspirant for par- 
 liamentary fame replied, " I have no objection 
 to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed 
 to sit for it." 
 
 1491. — " I Live in Julia's Eyes," said an 
 affected dandy in Column's hearing. " I don't 
 wonder at it," replied George ; " since I ob- 
 served she had a sty in them when I saw her 
 last." 
 
 1492. — Whilst the regiment was in 
 
 India, a sergeant obtained an ensign's commis- 
 sion in the corps. Thinking that ease of man- 
 ner was requisite to prove him qualified for his 
 new situation, on joining the officers after the 
 first parade which he attended, he began to talk 
 very loud and in such a manner as to provoke 
 some unpleasant remark from an old brevet- 
 major, who had known him long as a sergeant; 
 upon which our hero observed, that he did not 
 like such language, and that he was as good a 
 gentleman as the major. " You should be bet- 
 ter, Sir," said the major, " for things spoil by 
 keeping, and you were last made." 
 
 1493. — Two Gentlemen having wagered 
 
JOE MILLER 311 
 
 upon the number of characteristic specimens of 
 native brilliancy they should encounter in a rural 
 excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone- 
 breaker on the road : — " My good fellow, were 
 the devil to come now, which of us two would 
 he carry away? " — After a little hesitation, that 
 savoured of unexpected dulness, the man mod- 
 estly lifting up his eyes from his work, answered, 
 " Me, Sir." Annoyed by the stolidity of this 
 reply, the querist pressed him for a reason : — 
 !< Because, your honour, he would be glad of the 
 opportunit}' to catch myself — he could have you 
 at any time." 
 
 1494. — As Sheridan was on a canvassing 
 visit at Stafford, he met in the streets one of his 
 old voters, a simple but substantial burgess, with 
 whom he had formerly had some dealings of a 
 pecuniary nature. This man accosted him as 
 follows : — " Well, Maister Sheridan, I be main 
 glad to see you. How be ye, eh?" — "Why, 
 thank you, my friend, very well. I hope you 
 and your family are well," replied the candidate. 
 " Ay, ay," answered the elector, " they are 
 prett} r nobbling; — but they tell me, Maister 
 Sheridan, as how you are trying to get a par- 
 lumentary reform. Do ye think ye shall get 
 it? "— " Why, yes," said Sheridan, " I hope so." 
 — -" And so do I," replied his constituent, " for 
 then you'll be able to pay off the old election 
 scores, shan't, ye? " 
 
 1495. — When the Eare of Bradford was 
 brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be exam- 
 
312 JOE MILLER 
 
 ined upon application for a statute of lunacy 
 against him, the chancellor asked him, " How 
 many legs has a sheep? " — " Does your lordship 
 mean, " answered lord Bradford, " a live sheep 
 or a dead sheep? " — " Is it not the same thing? " 
 said the chancellor. " No, my lord," said lord 
 Bradford, " there is much difference ; a live 
 sheep may have four legs ; a dead sheep has only 
 two : the two fore legs are shoulders ; but there 
 are but two legs of mutton." 
 
 1496. — A Pekson who was famous for ar- 
 riving just at dinner-time, upon going to a 
 friend's (where he was a frequent visitor), was 
 asked by the lady of the house if he would do as 
 they did. On his replying he should be happy 
 to have the pleasure, she replied, " Dine at home 
 then. 99 — He, of course, had received his quietus 
 for some time at least. 
 
 1497. — As a Worthy City Baronet was 
 gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of 
 the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up 
 to him and said, " Well, Sir William, are you 
 studying astronomy? " — " No, Sir," replied the 
 alderman, " I am studying gastronomy." His 
 friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied, 
 "Do vou doubt my voracity?" — " No, Sir 
 William." 
 
 1498. — The Duke de Mayenne had been 
 sent to Spain to ask the hand of the princess, 
 Anne of Austria. When he took leave of her, 
 he asked her commands for the king. " Assure 
 
JOE MILLER 313 
 
 him," said the infanta, " that I am quite impa- 
 tient to see him." — " Ah, madam," said the 
 gouvernante, the countess de Altamira, " what 
 will the king of France think, when the duke 
 informs him that you are so eager to be mar- 
 ried? " — "Have you not taught me," returned 
 the infanta sharply, " that I must always speak 
 the truth?" 
 
 1499. — Upon the recovery of George III. 
 in 1789, the librarian and others connected with 
 Sion college, were at a loss what device or motto 
 to select for the illumination of the building; 
 when the following happy choice was made by a 
 worthy divine, from the book of Psalms : — " Sion 
 heard of it and was glad." 
 
 1500. — After a Hot Debate, in the course 
 of which Ireton had let fall some very rude ex- 
 pressions respecting Denzil Hollis, the latter de- 
 sired that he would walk out with him, and then 
 told him, " that he insisted on his crossing the 
 water immediately to fight him." Ireton re- 
 plied, " that his conscience would not suffer him 
 to fight a duel." Hollis, greatly incensed, 
 pulled him by the nose, observing, that " since 
 his conscience prevented him from giving men 
 satisfaction, it ought to keep him from provok- 
 ing them." 
 
 1501. — Curran had a perfect horror of fleas ; 
 nor was this very extraordinary, since those ver- 
 min seemed to shew him peculiar hostility. If 
 they infested a house, he said, that " they always 
 
314 JOE MILLER 
 
 flocked to his bed-chamber, when they heard he 
 was to sleep there ! " — At Carlo w he was once 
 dreadfully annoyed in this way, and on making 
 his complaint in the morning to the woman of the 
 house ; " By heavens ! madam," cried he, " they 
 were in such numbers, and seized upon my car- 
 case with so much ferocity, that if they had been 
 unanimous, and all pulled one way, they must 
 have dragged me out of bed entirely." 
 
 150&. — At one of those large convivial parties 
 which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, 
 when he was secretary in Ireland, amongst the 
 usual loyal toasts, " The wooden walls of Eng- 
 land ! " being given, — Sir John Hamilton in his 
 turn gave " The wooden walls of Ireland ! " 
 The toast being quite new, he was asked for an 
 explanation; upon which, filling a bumper, he 
 very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Mar- 
 quis of Waterford and several country gentle- 
 men, who commanded county regiments, he said, 
 — " My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure 
 of giving you the wooden walls of Ireland — the 
 colonels of militia! " 
 
 1503. — When it was Debated about send- 
 ing bishops to America, much was said pro and 
 con. One gentleman wondered that anybody 
 should object to it: " For my part," said he, " I 
 wish all our bishops were sent to America." 
 
 1504. — Sir Thomas More for a long time 
 having only daughters, his wife prayed ear- 
 nestly that they might have a boy ; at last they 
 
JOE MILLER 315 
 
 had a boy, who, when he grew up, proved but 
 simple. " Thou pray'dst so long for a boy," said 
 Sir Thomas to his wife, " that at last thou hast 
 got one who will be a boy as long as he lives." 
 
 1505. — A Sailor who had served on board the 
 Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after return- 
 ing home from India, finding that wigs were all 
 in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported 
 at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his com- 
 panions. On being asked the cause of the 
 change of colour in his hair, he said it was 
 occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea. 
 
 1506. — An Emperor of China, making a 
 progress, discovered a family, in which the mas- 
 ter, with his wives, children, grand-children, 
 daughters-in-law, and servants, all lived in per- 
 fect peace and harmony. The Emperor, admir- 
 ing this, inquired of the old man what means he 
 employed to preserve quiet among such a num- 
 ber of persons. The man, taking out a pencil, 
 wrote only these words : — " Patience, patience, 
 patience." 
 
 1507. — The Count de Grance being 
 wounded in the knee with a musket ball, the sur- 
 geons made many incisions. At last, losing 
 patience, he asked them why they treated him so 
 unmercifully? " We seek for the ball," said 
 they. " Why the devil did you not speak be- 
 fore? " said the Count, " I have it in my 
 pocket." 
 
 1508. — A Regiment of Horse in King Will- 
 
316 JOE MILLER 
 
 iam's time, being quartered in Canterbury, and 
 the archbishop being then there, he invited all 
 the officers of the regiment to dinner. One of 
 the cornets being obliged to keep guard that 
 day, and lamenting his misfortune, that he could 
 not have the honour to dine with the archbishop, 
 bethought himself of this stratagem. Lie knew 
 that one of his brother cornets was gone out of 
 town, and would not return till evening; he de- 
 termined therefore, to wait for him at his lodg- 
 ings, and frighten him by a false message from 
 the archbishop. Accordingly when his comrade 
 arrived, he addressed him thus : — " Tom, I be- 
 lieve I shall surprise you." — " Why," says 
 Tom, "what the devil's the matter?""— " No 
 great matter," says his comrade, ''only the 
 archbishop has sent for all the officers to hear 
 them their catechism." — " The devil he has," 
 quoth Tom, " then I am ruined horse and 
 foot, for as I am a sinner I can't say three 
 lines." — " Never be troubled about that," says 
 his comrade, " I can say mine every word, 
 and if you will mount guard for me to-mor- 
 morrow, I will go in your place." — " With all 
 my heart," says Tom, " and thank you to boot ; " 
 so the next day they all, except Tom, dined with 
 the archbishop. His lordship being a very 
 polite man, told the colonel, that lie hoped all his 
 officers were there ; for he intended it as a general 
 invitation. The colonel told him they were all 
 there, except one gentleman who was obliged to 
 mount guard. The archbishop took no notice of 
 
JOE MILLER 317 
 
 it then, but the next day sent his servant to the 
 absent gentleman, to desire his company by him- 
 self. Tom had no sooner received the message, 
 than he ran frightened out of his senses to his 
 comrade to make his complaint. " Ah, my 
 friend," says Tom, " it is all in vain, I must go 
 at last, the archbishop has sent for me." — 
 " Never mind it," says his comrade, " you will 
 do very well ; he did not ask us above one ques- 
 tion or two." Tom being thus prepared went 
 to the archbishop where he was introduced into 
 a parlour. At length his lordship came in. 
 " Sir," says the archbishop, " I am sorry I 
 could not have the pleasure of your company 
 yesterday ; may I crave your najne ? " — 
 " Thomas, my lord," replied the cornet. " What 
 countryman? " says the archbishop. " My god- 
 fathers and godmothers," replied the cornet. " I 
 do not mean to catechise you," says the arch- 
 bishop, and thus the cheat was discovered. 
 
 1509.— A Man of the name of Mark Noble, 
 passing by the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as 
 usual, called out, "Who comes there?" — 
 " Twenty shillings," answered Mark. " That 
 cannot be," said the sentinel. " Why, a mark 
 and a noble make twenty shillings," said Mark. 
 1510. — The Captain of a West Indiaman 
 wished to buy a horse. After the purchase was 
 made, the captain said, " Well, now the horse is 
 mine, pray tell me candidly, whether he has any 
 faults, and what they are." — " What do you 
 mean to do with him? " said the other. " Why, 
 
318 JOE MILLER 
 
 to take him to sea," answered the captain. 
 " Then I will be candid," replied the dealer ; " he 
 may go very well at sea ; but on land he cannot 
 go at all, or I would not have sold him." 
 
 1511. — A Sailor being strongly solicited by 
 a catholic priest to change his religion, the honest 
 tar boldly resisted. The holy father finding 
 that he could not prevail, altered his mode of 
 attack, and offered him money as a reward of his 
 apostacy; the bribe rather staggered Jack's 
 faith, and he desired to consider of it till next 
 morning. In the interim he applied to a brother 
 tar for advice, which was given him in the fol- 
 lowing style of blunt honesty : " Don't listen to 
 him, messmate, for if your religion was not bet- 
 ter than his own, and all the money he will give 
 
 you into the bargain, he'll be d 'd before he 
 
 would ask you to change." 
 
 1512. — When the Celebrated Duellist, 
 G. R. Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English am- 
 bassador introduced him to the French king; 
 prior to which introduction the ambassador in- 
 formed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a gentle- 
 man of such amazing prowess, that he had 
 fought thirty duels, and behaved equally brave 
 and honourable in them all. " Then, I think," 
 says the king, with a smile, " this gentleman's 
 life would make an admirable appendix to your 
 renowned countryman's history of Jack the 
 Giant Killer." 
 
 1513. — A Boy who had not returned after the 
 
JOE MILLER 319 
 
 holidays to Winchester school, which the master 
 charged him to do, returned at last loaded with 
 a fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the 
 ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, that he 
 might give his compliments to his mother for the 
 ham, but assured him it should not save his 
 bacon. 
 
 1514. — Dr. Pearce, the dean of Ely, when 
 he was master of the Temple, having to preach 
 there one morning, preferred a walk in the gar- 
 dens to sitting in the church while the prayers 
 were reading, and going to the gardener's lodge, 
 demanded entrance. An old woman, who was 
 keeping the house in the gardener's absence, told 
 him the gates were always locked in church time, 
 and she could not let him in. " Woman, do you 
 know who I am? " said the doctor, bridling. 
 " No," said she, with great indifference, " I 
 don't know, and what's more, I don't care." — 
 " Woman," retorted the doctor, in a rage, " open 
 the gates instantly — I am master of the Tem- 
 ple." — " The more shame for you," replied the 
 inflexible portress, " the more shame for you to 
 be walking here, when you ought to be praying 
 at church." 
 
 1515. — An Irishman telling what he called 
 an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had 
 met with it in a book published many years ago. 
 " Confound these ancients," said Teague, " they 
 are always stealing one's good thoughts." 
 
 1516. — Cardinal Mazarine was wont to say 
 
320 JOE MILLER 
 
 there were great bull dogs in England, called 
 Whigs and Tories, that were continually jarring 
 and worrying each other ; but let out the bull, 
 (the common enemy,) they directly left off their 
 private feuds and animosities, and attacked him. 
 
 1517.— Louis the Fourteenth, of France, 
 playing at backgammon, had a doubtful throw ; 
 a dispute arose, and all the courtiers remained 
 silent. The Count de Grammont came in that 
 instant. " Decide the matter," said the King to 
 him. " Sire," said the Count, " your Majesty 
 is in the wrong." — " How so," replied the King; 
 " can you decide without knowing the ques- 
 tion? " — " Yes," said the Count, " because, had 
 the matter been doubtful, all these gentlemen 
 present would have given it to }^our majesty." 
 
 1518. — Lord Morton, having waited very 
 long in the duke of Northumberland's anti-cham- 
 ber before he could see his grace, was quite out 
 of patience. The duke at last came to him, and 
 finding him with Dr. Garnet's Dissertation upon 
 Jcb in his hands, asked him what he thought of 
 it. " I think," said lord Morton, " it is a very 
 proper book for a prime minister's anti- 
 chamber." 
 
 1519. — A Nobleman, who had spent most of 
 his estate, had just sold a manor of an hundred 
 tenements, and came to court in a rich suit. 
 " Am not I a mighty man," said he, " that bear 
 an hundred houses on my back." — " You had 
 better have paid your debts," said Cardinal Wol- 
 
JOE MILLER 321 
 
 sey, whose father was a butcher. " True, my 
 lord," said he, " my father owed yours throe- 
 halfpence for a calve's head, here is two-pence 
 for it." 
 
 1520. — Notwithstanding the perpetual con- 
 tention between Rich and Garrick for the favour 
 of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. 
 Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden 
 and made it capable of holding more. Garrick 
 went with him to see it, and asked him in the 
 theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold. 
 " Sir," said Rich, " that question I am at present 
 unable to answer, but were you to appear one 
 night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to 
 the utmost shilling." 
 
 1521. — A Very Volatile Young Lord, 
 whose conquests in the female world were number- 
 less, at last married. " Now, my lord," said the 
 countess, " I hope you'll mend." — " Madam," 
 says he, " you may depend on it this is my last 
 folly." 
 
 1522. — A Mullah preaching one day in a 
 Persian mosque, strongly insisted on the exam- 
 ination which the deceased have to undergo from 
 the angels of death, Nekyr and Monkyr, as soon 
 as they are deposited in the tomb. " Don't be- 
 lieve a word of it," cried one of the congrega- 
 tion, " for one of my slaves died a few days 
 since ; I filled his mouth with rice, and on digg;inq 
 him up again to-day, the rice was just as I left 
 it. Now it is morally impossible for a man to 
 
322 JOE MILLER 
 
 give answers even to angels with his mouth 
 full." 
 
 1523. — A Chinese Teaches was in the habit 
 of sleeping in the day-time, but would not suffer 
 his pupil to nod for a moment. One day the 
 pupil accosted him after his nap, in a complain- 
 ing tone, and begged to know why he might not 
 sleep too. " Boy ! " says the tutor, " in my 
 sleep, I dream of Cheu-kung, and have converse 
 with him ! " The next morning, the pupil takes 
 pattern by his master. The master giving him a 
 rap, and rousing him, exclaims, " For shame ! 
 how can you do so? " Says the pupil, / too have 
 been seeing Cheu-Kung." — " And what did 
 Cheu-kung say to you?" — "Cheu-kung" re- 
 plies the pupil, " tells me that yesterday he had 
 no communication whatever with my reverend 
 master." 
 
 1524. — Lord Muegrave, who once went on 
 a voyage to the North Pole, appears to have been 
 distinguished by a singularity of physical con- 
 formation — possessing two distinct voices ; the 
 one strong and hoarse, the other shrill and quer- 
 ulous ; of both of which organs he occasionally 
 availed himself. So extraordinary a circumstance, 
 probably, gave rise to a story of his having 
 fallen into a ditch in a dark night, and, calling 
 for aid in his shrill voice, a countryman coming 
 up, was about to have assisted him ; but Lord 
 Mulgrave, addressing him in a hoarse tone, the 
 peasant immediately exclaimed, " Oh, if there 
 
JOE MILLER 323 
 
 are two of you in the ditch, you may help each 
 other out of it ! " 
 
 1525. — Mr. Pope, was with Sir Godfrey 
 Kneller one day, when his nephew, a Guinea 
 trader came in : " Nephew," said Sir Godfrey, 
 " you have the honour of seeing the two great- 
 est men in the world." — " I don't know how great 
 you may be," said the Guineaman, " but I don't 
 like your looks, I have often bought a man much 
 better than both of you together, all muscle and 
 bone, for ten guineas." 
 
 1526. — A Captain of a Merchant Vessel, 
 named M'Carthy, had a scuffle with a wood- 
 ranger at Verdun ; the latter complained to Gen- 
 eral Wirion, who commanded the depot, that 
 M'Carthy had ill-treated him, knocking him 
 down every time he attempted to rise. " Mon 
 ami," said the general to him, " when an English- 
 man knocks you down, never do you get up until 
 he is gone away." 
 
 1527. — The Late Lord Chancellor, in one 
 of his shooting excursions at Wareham, in Dor- 
 setshire, unexpectedly came across a person who 
 was sporting over his land without leave. His 
 lordship inquired if the stranger was aware he 
 was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate 
 belonged ? " What's that to you ? " was the re- 
 ply. " I suppose 3'ou are one of Old Bags' 
 Keepers. " — " No," replied his lordship, " your 
 supposition is a wrong one, my friend, for I am 
 Old Bags himself." 
 
324 JOE MILLER 
 
 1528. — When George II. was once express- 
 ing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one 
 observed that the general was mad. " Oh ! he is 
 mad, is he ! " said the king with great quickness, 
 " then I wish he would bite some other of my 
 generals." 
 
 1529. — A Bishop, upon his visitation, found 
 a curate of the diocese so ignorant, that he knew 
 not how to say the mass. The bishop enraged, 
 asked him, " Who was the ass of a bishop that 
 gave you ordination ? " — " Your most illustrious 
 lordship," replied the curate, with a humble 
 reverence. 
 
 1530. — In the Reign of Queen Anne, Cap- 
 tain Hardy, whose ship was stationed at Lagos 
 bay, received information of the arrival of the 
 Spanish Galleons, under convoy of seventeen men 
 of war, in the harbour of Vigo ; without any war- 
 rant for so doing, he immediately set sail, and 
 communicated his intelligence to Sir George 
 Rooke, then commanding in the Mediterranean. 
 The admiral instantly steered for Vigo, and took 
 or destroyed the whole Spanish fleet. When the 
 fight was over, Sir George sent for Captain 
 Hardy, and thus addressed him, " You have 
 done, Sir, a very important piece of service to 
 the throne; you have added to the honours and 
 riches of your country, by your indefatigable 
 diligence ; but don't you know that you are liable 
 at this instant to be shot, for quitting your sta- 
 tion? " — " He is unworthy of bearing a com- 
 mission under her Majesty," replied the Cap- 
 
JOE MILLER 325 
 
 tain, " who holds his life as aught, when the 
 glory and interest of his queen and country re- 
 quire him to hazard it." At this heroic answer, 
 he was dispatched home with the first news of the 
 victory, and letters of recommendation to the 
 Queen, who instantly knighted him, and after- 
 wards made him a rear-admiral. 
 
 1531.- — The Battle of Sempach, in 1386, 
 between the Swiss and the Austrians, was decided 
 by one heroic deed. Arnold Struthan de Wink- 
 elried, a knight of Underwalden, burst suddenly 
 from the ranks. " I will open a passage," he 
 cried, " into the enemy's line. Provide for my 
 wife and children, dear countrymen and con- 
 federates ; honour my race ! " He threw himself 
 instantly on the enemy's pikes, grasped as many 
 of them as he could reach, buried them in his 
 bosom, and being tall and large of limb, bore 
 them to the ground as he fell. His companions 
 rushed over his body; the whole army of con- 
 federates followed, and their close files pene- 
 trated with irresistible force. The enemy struck 
 with amazement, fell one over another in en- 
 deavouring to avoid their shock , and the pres- 
 sure, heat, and confusion thus produced proved 
 fatal to many knights who died without a wound, 
 stifled by the weight of their armour. 
 
 1532. — A Late Sicilian Traveller gives 
 an anecdote to prove that the bigoted Catholics 
 in that country bee;in to entertain favourable 
 opinions cf the English. A priest hearing a 
 Sicilian woman sr~- that one of the officers, who 
 
S%6 JOE MILLER 
 
 happened to pass by, finely dressed, 
 to hell for all his lace," rebuked her, and added, 
 " as for the Turks they certainly go to hell, but 
 nobody knows where the English go to! " 
 
 1533. — The Fogs of England have been at 
 all times the complaint of foreigners. Gondomar, 
 the Spanish ambassador, when some one who was 
 going to Spain waited on- him to know if he had 
 any commands, replied, " Only my compliments 
 to the sun, whom I have not seen since I came to 
 England." — Carraccioli, the Neapolitan min- 
 ister, used to say, that the only ripe fruit he had 
 seen in England were roasted apples. 
 
 1534. — Negroes are apt to steal, but are so 
 very credulous, they are easily detected. Captain 
 Young, of Grenada, gave a black butcher, of the 
 name of Caff ee, a hog to kill ; when the Captain 
 went to see it, Caffee said, " Dis very fine hog, 
 massa, but I never see a hog like him in all my 
 life, he have no liver, no lights." — " That is 
 very strange, Caffee," said the Captain, " let me 
 see the book." He took a memorandum book 
 out of his pocket, turned over the leaves, and 
 looked very earnest. — " I see Caffee go to hell 
 bottom — hog have liver and lights." Caffee 
 shook like an aspen leaf, and said, " O massa, 
 Caffee no go to hell bottom — hog have liver and 
 lights." 
 
 1535. — The Old Method of catching larks 
 was to put salt on their tails. — The following is 
 from a provincial paper : — " Many hundreds of 
 
JOE MILLER 327 
 
 larks, during the late frost, were taken alive in 
 the neighbourhood of Arundel, their tails being 
 frozen to the snow" 
 
 1536. — A Negro in the West Indies having 
 carried a letter from his master to a neighbour 
 ing planter, fell asleep on the floor, while the 
 latter. was preparing an answer. When it was 
 finished, he desired that the negro might be 
 awakened ; but this was no easy matter. The 
 negro who attempted to rouse him, exclaimed, 
 " You no hear massa call you? " — " Sleep ! " re- 
 plied the poor fellow, " sleep hab no massa." 
 
 1537. — A Few Years Ago, a ship came into 
 harbour, at Chatham, to be paid off. One of the 
 sailors being ashore, prevailed on a young woman 
 of Rochester to accept of him as a husband, and 
 previous to returning to his ship, left money 
 with a friend to pay for publishing the banns, 
 and all other incidental matrimonial expenses. 
 The marriage was to take place on the fourth 
 Sunday following, and on the preceding Satur- 
 day the honest tar asked leave of his Captain to 
 go on shore, which was peremptorily refused. 
 Jack remonstrated — " Captain," exclaimed he, 
 " I am going to be married to-morrow." The 
 Captain told Jack that the business of the ship 
 in his department was most urgent, and posi- 
 tively forbade him going on shore. Unwilling 
 to disappoint the girl and lose his money, Jack 
 wisely determined to marry her by proxy, and 
 proposed to Will Treadaway, his messmate, to 
 undertake that kind office : " And you, Will," 
 
328 JOE MILLER 
 
 said he, " stay with her ashore, and when the 
 gangway is cleared from stem to stern, I will 
 come to you." Will goes on shore, and inform- 
 ing the girl of his friend's situation and pro- 
 posal, she instantly consented, and was actually 
 married to Will as the proxy of Jack ; nor did 
 the minister discover the mistake till Will wrote 
 his name in the book, Treadaway instead of 
 Salmon. The clerk cried out, " Why, you are 
 not the man asked to church with this woman? " 
 To which the honest tar replied, first devoting 
 his eyes and limbs to confirm the fact, " I came 
 .here to prevent my messmate being cheated, 
 and I only marry the girl for Jack Salmon, my 
 messmate, till he comes on shore." — Three days 
 afterwards Jack came on shore, when he re- 
 ceived his spouse from the hands of his proxy, 
 and lived in as much peace and tranquillity, as 
 if he had originally tied the matrimonial knot 
 in propria persona. 
 
 1538. — An Irish Labourer bought a pair of 
 shoes, and at the same time asked the shoemaker 
 if he could tell him what would prevent them 
 going down on the sides? The shoemaker said, 
 the only way to prevent that was to change them 
 every morning. Pat accordingly returned the 
 following morning, called for a pair of shoes, 
 fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day 
 before, and was walking out of the shop without 
 further notice, when the shoemaker called to him 
 to know what he was doing, telling him at the 
 same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the 
 
JOE MILLER 829 
 
 shoes he had just bought. " And is it what I am 
 doing, you ask? am not I doing what you told 
 me yesterday, changing my shoes every morn- 
 ing-" 
 
 1589. — A Divine in Kent, seldom in church, 
 but a rigid justice of the peace, having a va- 
 grant brought before him, said surily, " I shall 
 teach you law, I warrant you." — " It would be 
 much more becoming," answered the fellow, " if 
 you would teach me the gospel.'" 
 
 1540. — Sir Charles F received a seri- 
 ous fall one day, in stepping into his cabriolet. — 
 "Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles?" 
 said Sir Peter L ; " was it near the verte- 
 brae? " — " No, no," answered the Baronet, " it 
 was near the Monument ! " 
 
 1541. — Mention being made in the presence 
 of Louis XL of an unlearned person, who had 
 got a fine library of books ; the king said, " He 
 resembles a hump-back person, who carries a 
 burden on his back which he cannot see." 
 
 1542. — Diogenes, the cynic, coming once to 
 a very small, inconsiderable town, with very 
 large and magnificent gates, told the inhabitants 
 " to shut their gates, lest the town should run 
 out." 
 
 1543. — Lons XIV. observing two courtiers 
 riding full speed one after the other; the fore- 
 most with an uncommon big chin, the hindmost 
 with scarce any at all ; the king; asked whither 
 they were driving at such speed? M. de Cler- 
 
330 JOE MILLER 
 
 ambaut replied: " The hindmost is in pursuit of 
 the foremost, to recover his stolen chin." 
 
 154*4. — Deyden's Wife complained to him 
 that he was always reading, and took little notice 
 of her : " I wish," said she, " I was a book, and 
 then I should enjoy more of your company." — 
 " Yes, my dear," replied Dryden, " I wish you 
 w T ere a book — but an Almanack I mean, for then 
 I should change you every year." 
 
 1545. — A Dutch Ambassador, entertaining 
 the king of Siam with an account of Holland, 
 after which his majesty was very inquisitive, 
 amongst other things told him, that water in his 
 country would sometimes get so hard, that men 
 walked upon it ; and that it would bear an ele- 
 phant with the utmost ease. To which the king 
 replied, " Hitherto I have believed the strange 
 things you have told me, because I looked upon 
 vou as a sober, fair man ; but now / am sure you 
 lie." 
 
 1546. — A Long Ride had one day sharpened 
 the edge of Dr. Johnson's appetite, during his 
 tour in Scotland, and his friend, Mr. Boswell, 
 pushed forward to the next inn (as was his usual 
 custom) to provide for the lion. The hostess and 
 her family were instantly on the alert ; and when 
 Dr. Johnson arrived at the inn-door he was con- 
 gratulated by Boswell with an assurance of a 
 good dinner — " A fine leg of roast mutton, Doc- 
 tor, and a pudding." — " Very well, Bozzy, very 
 well," replied the Doctor, " I hope it will soon 
 
 
JOE MILLER 331 
 
 be ready — I am very hungry." — Boswcll assured 
 him it would. But the dinner not appearing so 
 soon as Johnson anticipated, the cravings of 
 hunger urged him into the kitchen, to ascertain 
 the real state of their promised repast. — He 
 presently returned to the parlour, and with a 
 grave countenance informed his friend Boswell 
 that he was very sorry he could not partake of 
 the roast leg of mutton which he had so kindly 
 provided, having made a vow to eat no meat on 
 that day. — " Doctor," exclaimed Boswell, in 
 great surprise, " do lay aside your scruples for 
 once. Your vow, I am sure, is of very little con- 
 sequence, as you seem not to have thought of it 
 until this moment. The mutton is fine mutton. 
 Do not deprive yourself of the pleasure of eating 
 it."—" Dear Boswell," replied the Doctor, " I 
 am very sorry — but I dare not break my vow — 
 I cannot eat of the mutton — and must, therefore, 
 be satisfied with the puddmg." — Further remon- 
 strance Boswell found was in vain, and concluded 
 by hoping that the pudding would yield him 
 satisfaction. — Dinner was at last served up, and 
 Boswell commenced a furious attack upon the 
 roasted joint, while his philosophic and scru- 
 pulous companion calmly enjoyed the pudding. 
 When the keenness of his appetite was somewhat 
 allayed b}' the deep impressions he had made 
 upon the mutton, Boswell began to eulogise his 
 dinner; but this excited from his companion, 
 who kept his eye fixed on his plate, only a sig- 
 nificant smile. — " Why do you smile, Doctor ? " 
 
332 JOE MILLER 
 
 inquired Boswell. " At nothing in particular," 
 was the reply ; but it was accompanied with a 
 chuckle, which raised a suspicion in his mind 
 that all was not right. — Throwing down his 
 knife and fork, he eagerly pressed the Doctor for 
 an explanation, whcse chuckle had now increased 
 to a loud laugh. " Well, Bozzy, I will tell you," 
 cried he ; " when I went inta the kitchen to in- 
 quire into the state of our dinner, I saw the boy, 
 who now stands behind your chair, turning the 
 spit, and at the same time scratching his head 
 over the mutton." — Starting from his seat, as if 
 struck by a galvanic battery, Boswell seized the 
 unfortunate crlprit by the collar; exclaiming, 
 " Where is your cap, you young rascal? — what 
 have you done with the cap you had on when I 
 came to the house? — why did you take it off? — 
 why did you not keep it on while roasting the 
 mutton?" — "Please, Sir," blubbered out the 
 terrified boy, " Please, Sir, — my mother — took 
 it off my head — to make — the pudding in, for 
 the gentleman? " 
 
 THE end 
 
INDEX 
 
 B 
 
 Abernethy, Dr., 715, 723, 
 724, 1151 
 
 Actors, 77, 170, 275, 280, 382, 
 512, 551. 570, 589. 6n, 659, 
 703- 753, 970. 1014, 1025, 
 1096, 1242, 1384 
 
 Actresses, 463 
 
 Aldermen, 164,378,451, 998, 
 1040, 1188 
 
 Ambassadors, see Diplo- 
 mats 
 
 Americans, 1, 452, 464, 599, 
 765. 95i, 978, 1018, 1033, 
 1 191, 1250 
 
 Amner, 233, 234 
 
 Animals, 168, 277. 999, 1139 
 
 Antigonus, 286 
 
 Aristotle, 227 
 
 Arch-Bishops, see Bishops 
 
 Army-Officers, 27, 34, 71, 81, 
 102, 133, 154, 155, 171, 176, 
 188, 202, 241, 256, 259, 295, 
 303. 333. 336, 358, 360, 403, 
 457, 476, 524, 59 2 , 598, 610, 
 642, 651, 712. 725, 736, 748, 
 768, 775, 851, 889, goo, 936, 
 948, 986, 989, 1049, 1060, 
 1093, 1105, 1137, 1140, 1162, 
 1199, 1222, 1224, 1270, 1292, 
 1310, 1322, 1343, 1383, 1492, 
 1502, 1508 
 
 Attorneys, see Lawyers 
 
 Authors, see Writers 
 
 Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 251 
 
 Bacon, Lord, 218, 238, 924, 
 1339, 1348 
 
 Beggars, 419 
 
 Bonaparte, 67, 295 
 
 Bishops, 115, 168, 205, 250, 
 277, 284, 357, 449, 542, 545, 
 873, 893, 912, 1007, 1034, 
 1156, 1201, 1209, 1259, 1269, 
 
 '327, 1503 
 Blake, Paddy, 200 
 Bolivar, 202 
 Brides, and Groom, 78, 156, 
 
 219 
 Brummell, Beau, 1478 
 Burgess, Daniel, 1026 
 Burke, 630, 1061, 1220, 1311 
 Butler, Sir Toby, 298 
 Button, Daniel, 119 
 Byron, Lord, 52, 53, 54, 55, 
 
 57, 58, 60, 621, 1479 
 Boy, see Juvenile 
 
 Canadian, 583 
 
 Carpenter, 126 
 
 Cato, 153 
 
 Children, see Young Peo- 
 ple 
 
 Clare, Lord Chancellor, 314, 
 3i5, 631 
 
 333 
 
334 
 
 INDEX 
 
 Clergymen, q, n, 20, 38, 51, 
 65, 84, 93, 104, 115, 158, 
 207, 208, 209, 230, 236, 239, 
 243, 262, 277, 351, 369, 437, 
 4G2, 473, 477, 643, 674, 675, 
 766, 811, 966, 967, 988, 1087, 
 1108, 1113, 1155, 1 194, 1202, 
 1208, 1223, 1234, 1255, 1293, 
 1294, 1325, 1330, 1333, 1334, 
 1336, 1357, 1361, 1368, 1404, 
 1449, 1465, i486, 1499, 1514, 
 
 1539 
 
 Chemists, 299 
 
 Collegians, see Scholars 
 
 Coleridge, 707 
 
 Countrymen, 84, 95, 101, 124, 
 128, 129, 145, 151, 211, 231, 
 250, 253, 260, 321, 371, 393, 
 435, 466,467, 645, 704, 897, 
 957. 963, 1015, 1098, 1142, 
 1143, 1190, 1196, 1230, 1233, 
 1369, 1378, 1454, 1524 
 
 Courtiers, 87, 140, 141, 203, 
 222, 251, 1161, 1392, 1410, 
 
 1543 
 Coxcombs, 228, 229, 434, 505 
 Cromwell, Oliver, 137, 814, 
 
 1215 
 Curran, 7, 53, 315, 680, 1041, 
 
 1059, 1501 
 
 Davey, Sergeant, 23 
 
 Diogenes, 99, 812, 865, 1424, 
 1457, 1542 
 
 Diplomats, 224, 245, 780, 781, 
 788, 872, 894, 905, 1065, 
 1115, 1186, 1321, 1390, 1431, 
 
 1533 
 Doctors, see Physicians 
 Diunken Fellows, 48, 221, 
 
 244, 394, 407 
 Dryc^en, John, mi 
 Dutciimen, 241, 
 
 E 
 
 English, 44, 59, 62, 76, 86, 
 116, 118, 121, 122, 178, 293, 
 297. 307,355. 368,430, 749, 
 779, 993. 1036, 1054, 1058, 
 1086, 1112, 1135, 1138, 1147, 
 1 1 57, 1216, 1225, 1226, 1266, 
 1304, 1318, 1356, 1358, 1362, 
 1382, 1385, 1394, 1428, 1451, 
 1470, 1490, 1497, 1500, 1540 
 
 Erskine, Harry, 697, 701, 
 790, 834, 933, 1001, 1019, 
 1212 
 
 Fops, 90, 220, 307, 474, 1433, 
 1491 
 
 Foote, 1150, 1198, 1267, 1347 
 
 Fox, Charles James, 497, 
 870, 977, 1085 
 
 Frenchmen, Famous, 64, 282, 
 717, 915, 1022, 1039, 1048, 
 1133, 1189, 1283, 1287, 
 1290, 1303 , 1374, 1380, 
 1408, 1411, 1456, 1480, 1526 
 
 Garrick, David, 6, 628, 953, 
 
 982, 1074, 1126, 1381, 1520 
 
 Goldsmith, Dr. Oliver, 487, 
 
 593. 943 
 Grecians, 847, 1002, 1235, 
 1243, 1407 
 
 H 
 
 Hamilton, Sir John Stuart, 
 
 288, 289, 290, 291 
 Hangmen, 432, 513 
 Highwaymen, 330, 408, 562, 
 
 1175 
 Hogarth, William, 804 
 
INDEX 
 
 335 
 
 Holt, Lord Chief Justice, 
 
 26 
 Horse Traders, 157 
 Hume, David, 733, 750, 1346 
 
 I 
 
 Illicit Traffic, 1467 
 
 Irishmen, Famous, 4, 10, 14, 
 17, 18, ig, 20, 22, 24, 29, 
 31, 32, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 
 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 74, 159, 
 166, 179, 186, 191, 192, 193, 
 194, 195, 196, 197, 200, 287, 
 292, 294, 301, 306, 313, 317, 
 320, 329, 334, 335. 339. 340, 
 344. 340, 426, 427, 428, 429, 
 43i. 453, 455, 460, 479. 487, 
 489, 490, 493, 506, 526, 527, 
 528, 530. 533. 534. 536. 537, 
 539. 54i, 587. 681, 716, 718, 
 727, 734, 854,891,9^4, 1030, 
 1050, 1055, 1168, 1173, 1197, 
 1217,1308,1309,1314,1359, 
 1389, 1405, 1487, 1515, 1538 
 
 Isocrates, 264 
 
 Italians, 236, 259, 662, 841, 
 1167, 1205, 1232, 1237, 1342, 
 1453, 1477 
 
 J 
 
 Jews, 830, 1066, 1091, 1278, 
 1312, 1393 
 
 Jefferies, Lord Chief Justice, 
 1 10, 113, 349 
 
 Jesters' Court, 217 
 
 Johnson, Dr., 167, 374, 415, 
 501, 577, 578. 579, 636, 637, 
 816, 954, 1023, 1043, 1044, 
 1089, 1107, 1169, 1192, 1254, 
 1406, 1484, 1488, 1546 
 
 Jonson, Ben, 3, 123 
 
 Judges, 63, 183, 235, 253, 
 255, 294, 385, 387, 401,439, 
 442, 447, 465, 469, 495, 498, 
 499, 510, 618, 619, 648, 668, 
 721, 759, 760, 783, 868, 871, 
 1000, 1009, 1010, 1252, 1320, 
 
 1337, 1409, M48. 1469, J 527 
 Juvenile, 72, 114, 117, 204, 
 232, 354, 376, 396.413, 47i, 
 49 1 . 503. 508, 509, 516, 605, 
 613, 615, 671, 708, 719, 728 
 729, 741, 835, 855, 857, 897, 
 922, 931. 976, 1006, ion, 
 1082, 1248, 1297,1425, 1432, 
 1445, 1450 
 
 Kildare, Earl, 103 
 Killigrew, 107, 263 
 Knaves, see Thieves 
 
 Lawyers, 4, 5, 25, 30, 63, 73, 
 
 125, I36, 179, 182, 206, 212, 
 
 272, 298, 319, 324, 332, 341, 
 377, 380, 386, 398, 531, 582, 
 594, 600, 614, 675. 730, 742, 
 848, 899, 947, 1052, 1070, 
 
 IIOO, IIO3, II20, II85, 1 187, 
 II95, I206, 1213, 1214, 13 I 7, 
 1328, I350, I360, I426 
 
 M 
 
 Merchants, 201, 423, 452, 544, 
 
 585, 791, 937 
 
 Men of Title, see Noblemen 
 
 Miller, Joe, 79, 80, 269, 270 
 
 Miscellaneous, 44, 66, 81, 8q, 
 
 210, 215, 223, 225, 274, 278, 
 
 301, 352, 361, 368, 395, 406, 
 
386 
 
 INDEX 
 
 410, 454, 459, 4^6, 474. 494, 
 507, 520, 553, 556, 557- 56o, 
 564, 573, 574, 58i, 608, 638, 
 682, 722, 770, 862, 9^9. 972, 
 997, 1008, 1092, 1097, 1141, 
 1144, 1146, 1148, 1149, H59> 
 1166, 1174, 1296, 1299, 1306, 
 1344, 1412, 1413, 1416, 1422, 
 1444, 1446, 1458, 1463, 1464, 
 1472, 1493, 1506, 1510, 1522, 
 1523, 1532, 1535 
 
 More, Sir Thomas, 150, 1284, 
 1285, 1349, 1504 
 
 Musicians, 281, 384, 845, 
 1035, 1240, 1400, 1420 
 
 N 
 
 Napoleon, 67, 911, 918, 1102, 
 1473, 1482 
 
 Nash, Beau, 757, 758, 1402 
 
 Naval Officers, 12, 18, 163, 
 257, 373, 390, 39i, 555, 566, 
 586, 649, 665, 683, 808, 822, 
 825, 833, 840, 864, 923, 934, 
 940, 949, 1129, 1210, 1211, 
 1307, 1530 
 
 Negroes, 68, 472, 514, 576, 
 583, 647, 740, 787, 826, 913, 
 1051, 1064, 1094, 1245, 1388, 
 1429, 1534, 1536 
 
 Newton, Sir Isaac, 367, 425, 
 801, 903, 1256, 1338 
 
 Noblemen, 3, 82, 86, 87, 88, 
 92, 102, 133, 134, 141, 146, 
 148, 169, 252, 254, 268, 303, 
 405, 440, 444, 445- 485,486, 
 604, 626, 629, 654 , 700, 705, 
 752, 754, 771, 774, 794, 803, 
 827, 842, 856, 867, 879, 882, 
 909, 994, 995, 1004, 1038, 
 1249. 1253, 1475, 1476, 1483. 
 1495, 1507, 1518, 1519, 15^1 
 
 Noblewomen, 115, 237, 409, 
 446, 478, 488, 529, 698, 799, 
 806, 983, 1068, 1345, 1353, 
 1355, 1375, 1498 
 
 O 
 
 Officers, see Army 
 
 Painters, 91, 98, in, 120, 
 184, 400, 667, 904, 1020, 
 1053, 1081, 1125, 1172, 1301, 
 1302, 1352, 1401, 1430, 1442, 
 
 1443, 1525 
 Parsons, see Clergymen 
 Peter, Blind, 311, 312 
 Philosophers, 112, 132,227, 
 
 264, 283, 420, 606, 1042 
 Physicians, 73, 111, 198,299, 
 300, 312, 318, 370, 38r, 422, 
 438, 461, 481, 515, 525,535, 
 584, 602, 603, 612, 660, 726, 
 747, 755, 763, 861,884, 885, 
 916, 920, 959, 960, 961, 965, 
 1045, 1079, II 45, 1200, 1257, 
 1263, 1271, 1272, 1279, 1300, 
 1324, 1340, 1377, 1386, 1396, 
 1417, 1419, 1441 
 Pindar, Peter (Dr. Wolcott), 
 
 21, 981, 1376 
 
 Pitt, William, 622, 655, 776 
 Poets, 61, 134, 248, 347, 402, 
 470, 640, 809, 866, 869, 892, 
 930, 1063, 1116, 1131, 1 153, 
 i24r, 1329, 1459, 1460, 1461, 
 1462, 1474, 1481, 1514 
 Porson, 1 109, 1258 1262 
 Preachers, see Clergymen 
 Priests, 9, 91, 105, 149, 259, 
 316, 456, 575, 597, 756, 778, 
 792, 1152, 1193, 1228, 1236, 
 
 1244, 1289, 1291, 1372, 1373, 
 1489 
 
INDKX 
 
 33? 
 
 Publishers, 1077 
 Pupils, see Scholars 
 Purcell, Daniel, 309 
 
 Q 
 
 Quakers, 1, 139, 296, 515, 
 519, 547, 685, 745, 800, 860, 
 1028, 1069, 1072 
 
 R 
 
 Rabelais, 990 
 
 Raleigh, Sir Walter, 1132, 
 
 i37i 
 
 Roache, Sir Boyle, 8, 175, 
 180. 549 
 
 Rocca, 56 
 
 Romans, 131, 153, 216, 746 
 
 Royalty, 72, 85, 92, 97, 103, 
 107, 140, 141, 142, 181, 214, 
 222, 230, 231, 254, 263, 283, 
 285, 354, 411. 412, 414, 416, 
 437, 450, 468, 496, 500, 517, 
 565, 563, 572, 580, 591, 641, 
 644, 652, 661, 664, 669, 6q9, 
 702, 706, 738, 769, 773. 777, 
 784, 793. 796, 798, 802, 807, 
 812, 813, 816, 819, 820, 828, 
 836, 844, 852, 864, 875, 878, 
 880, 890, 901, 902, 907, 921, 
 925, 932, 946, 955, 984,985, 
 996, 102 1, 1031, 1047, io 73> 
 1075, 1076, 1083, 1124, 1134, 
 1 154, 1164, 117©, 1176, 1180, 
 1182, 1183, 1204, 1218, 1219, 
 1229, 1233, 1251, 1274, 1277, 
 1280, 1286, 1298, 1316, 1366, 
 1391, I4H, 1421, 1439, 1440, 
 1468, 1471, 1512, 1517, 1528, 
 I54L 1545 
 
 Sailors, 13, 19, 33, 37, 6g, 
 261, 305, 3io, 328, 337, 345, 
 
 362, 364, 417, 473, 480/504, 
 546, 554, 569, 646, 656, 663, 
 672, 739- 75i, 764, 823, 831, 
 843. 859, 888, 935, 971, 975, 
 979, 980, 1046, 1078, 1084, 
 1268, 1273, 1315, 1354, 1505, 
 
 1511, 1537 
 
 Schoolmasters, see Teach- 
 ers 
 
 Scholars, 138, 151, 177, 240, 
 265, 279, 709, 710, 1 106, 
 1110, 1117, 1118, 1261, 1264, 
 1326, 1395 
 
 Scot, John, 147 
 
 Scotchmen, 70, 100, 130, 147, 
 161, 249, 342, 421, 484, 511, 
 650, 713, 762, 785, 824, 838, 
 929, 973, 1032, 1088, 1158, 
 1177, 1370 
 
 Selwyn, George, 694, 695, 
 1027, 1221 
 
 Servants, 28, 36, 60, 126, 172, 
 174, 192, 271, 331, 375, 485, 
 
 657, 679, 7ii, 735, 854, 898, 
 952. 1276, 1387 
 
 Sharper, see Thieves 
 Sheridan, Dr. , 45, 379, 558, 
 616, 624, 686, 687, 688, 689, 
 690, 691, 692, 1313, 1494 
 Sheridan, Mr., 189, 190 
 Shuter, Ned, 1246, 1281 
 Sidney, Algernon, 83 
 Soldiers, 35, 135, 152, 159, 
 165, 173, !88, 256, 276, 308, 
 ^48, 475, 1062, 1080, 1 123, 
 1203, 1231, 1305, 1399, MiS, 
 1509, 1531 
 Spaniards, 235, 817, 1179, 
 
 1466 
 Spartans, 418, 424, 1130 
 Spendthrifts, 223 
 Statesmen, 3, 98, 252, 372, 
 392, 3Q3, 522, 601, 617, 639, 
 
 658, 782, 797, 800, 942, 987, 
 1037, 1319, 1436, 1516 
 
838 
 
 INDEX 
 
 Steele, Sir Richard, 2, 162 
 Sterne, Laurence, 351, 684 
 Supple, Mark, 322, 323, 327, 
 
 35o 
 Surgeons, see Physicians 
 Sutton, Sir Robert, 143 
 Swift, Dean, 15, 16, 185, 433, 
 492, 518, 523, 550, 632, 633, 
 634, 635, 829, 895, 1013, 
 1024, 1122, 1227, 1323, 1365, 
 1427 
 
 Talbot, Lord Chancellor, 
 246, 247 
 
 Taylor, Dr. John, 959 
 
 Taxes, 850 
 
 Teachers. 160, 199, 242, 265, 
 364, 3 6 5, 37i, 59 6 . ^78, 818, 
 1016, 1056, 1071. 1114, 1119, 
 1121, 1260, 1331, 1332, 1336, 
 
 I35L 1397, 1513 
 Thieves, 96, 108, 109, 127, 
 
 273, 561, 642, 653, 767, 945, 
 
 956, 1367 
 Thomas, Isaiah, 508 
 Tradesmen, 255, 452, 464, 
 
 483, 1005, 1341, 1435 
 Turks, 1247 
 
 W 
 
 Walpole, Sir Robert, 246, 
 
 853, 1207 
 Welshmen, 94, 106, 213, 
 
 532, 559. 567, 744, 917, 
 
 1136 
 Wilson, Charles, 326, 327 
 Wits, 75, 127, 143, 229, 266, 
 
 267, 302, 383, 397, 404, 441, 
 
 448, 459. 520, 609, 670, 673, 
 
 676, 737, 743, 915, 99 2 . 1012 , 
 1104, 1165, 1239, I2 95 
 
 Women, 128, 144, 168, 225, 
 226, 278, 279, 304, 324, 338, 
 359, 388, 389,399, 436, 443^ 
 502, 521, 563, 588, 607,620, 
 
 677, 73i, 786, 795, 810, 832, 
 849, 858, 914, 926, 939, 944, 
 950, 974, 1003, 1017, 1056, 
 
 IOQI, IO95, II63, II7I, I I 8l , 
 U84, 1265, 1288, 1353, I363, 
 1379, 1398,1403, 1437- M47, 
 I496 
 
 Women of Title, see Noble- 
 women 
 
 Writers, 146. 187, 189, 190, 
 302, 540, 552, 623, 693,714, 
 720, 761, 839, 846, 1029, 
 1067, 1101, 1127, 1128, 1275, 
 1415, 1423, 1434, 1439 
 
 V Y 
 
 Voltaire (M. de Arouet), Yokels, see Countrymen 
 1 160, 1364 " Young People, see Juvenile 
 
 LB D '19 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
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