.v,^ ' .0- .^4. a V ^^ *" ^ ^^ % -s^ 0' ,^>C, •^ V <$>■ - O 1. o ^ .'^ A °^ "^ «^° . ^ """ \^ ^-^ "^* ^^ o^ " » * "^ ^'J^ ■y '<<' V ^. & DRAMAS Miscellaneous Poems. By dr. Jf^R. MONROE. INCl.l'DINC; WILL COBBETT'S VISION, OR, THE DEVIL AND TOM PAINE j ARGO AND IRENE; MALACHI AND MIRANDA; FATE OF FATAH; ETC. ETC. / "\.. CHICAGO: KNIGHT & LEONARD, PRINTERS. 1875. f Copyright, 1875, By J. R. MONROE. M.D. TO COLONEL JOHN J. CUMMINS, WHOSE GENIUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL TURN OF MIND, AND KEEN APPRECIATION OF DRAMATIC LITERATURE, ADDED TO HIS MANY STERLING QUALITIES AND SOCIAL GRACES, HAVE LONG MARKED HIM AS THE CEN- TRAL FIGURE AMONGST A WIDE CIRCLE OF KINDRED SPIRITS, THIS VOLUME IS INSCRIBED. PREFACE. More with the view of rescuing, for his own and the satis- faction of a few partial friends, a portion of the writer's scraps from the chaos of publications and manuscripts in which they are scattered, than with any expectation that they will be sought or read, are they embodied in this volume. CONTENTS Introductory and Apologetic, 9 Will Cobbett's Vision; or, The Devil and Tom Paine, - 12 Argo and Irene, 44 Malachi and Miranda, 81 Carrier's Greeting, "5 Lines to Inza, "7 The Cholera, - - - ' ^'9 To Miss Adaline S , - - '^^ Eden and its Flowers, - - - ^-^ Winter, . - - - i-4 California, -125 To Haynau, '-^ Woman, ^'9 Letter to Lizzie H****s, of New Jersey, - - - - 130 Thoughts of the Dying, ^31 Life, ^^~ To AN Album, ^33 I'm Weary of this Life, ^34 To Mary, '36 There is no Mate for Me, . - - - - - 136 The Haunted Ring, '37 Lines to a Western River, 138 My Love is not like Others, 13S Lines to a Bird, '39 Thou hast Wounded Me, 14° Caught in the Fact, ^4° O, for One Hour with Thee! H' On Receipt of a Withered Rose, M' A New Year's Gift, '4- The Time for You and Me, '43 Give me thy Miniature, '43 Musings of a Maniac, '44 Lines to Mary, "^ Lines to Miss P. '"^7 On Parting with Mary, ^\ New Year's Day, ' '^8 To Miss Eliza F s, - - 150 8 CONTENTS. That Pain, i^o ],F Thou wert True, ii^i O, Veil thy Face from View, - - 152 My Heart is in Thy Home, ... . - iS3 I AM Sad To-night, 11^3 To Lizzie, --......-.. j^^ A Dream, 1154 To Inza, 11^6 Farewell, 1:57 O, Take not from my Lute, 158 Little Luna, 1^8 Christmas Day, ... ...... j^^ To Mollie, 159 January i, 1871, 161 A Mother's Lament, 162 The Fate of Fatah, - - 162 New Year's Eve, 1874, --...... 166 Bride of the Danube, 166 Regretful Memories, 167 Cuba, - 169 Lines to Inza, 169 Jealous? ....- 170 A Gift and Vow, - - - 170 Farewell to Woman, 171 It will Live and Abound, 174 The Color of my Lady's Eyes, 175 Last Wish of the Minstrel, 175 Our Hearts are Broken Now, - - - - - 176 A Pledge that was Broken, 177 When Passion Dies, 177 Tones that Linger, - - 178 The Ohio River, - 178 To Maggie, . . iSo Love at First Sight, . . . . .... iSo Lines to a Romping Miss, - - - - - - - - iSi An Editor who Wanted Office, 1S2 The Girl that Took my Heart Away, - - - - . 1S3 O, Come to me in Dreams! - - 184 To Lulie, 185 Lines Written in a Stray Album, 1S5 Not in the Light, 186 An Invocation, 186 Shed not a Tear, 187 Memory, 188 The Little One that Died, 189 Where is the Star? - - 1S9 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. INTRODUCTORY AND APOLOGETIC. I'M almost tempted to become a poet, Eschewing pills and powders, lint and lotion; I've store of verse, and straightway would bestow it, Where it will do most good — (insane emotion;) I think I may be mad — I almost know it; Unstable is my inind as is the ocean ; Ambitious longings surge my cerebrum. And here I stand expecting tame to come. A fellow must be in this sort of fix Ere he can vomit forth poetic fires ; And common sense is mighty hard to mix With moulten lava that your bard respires', He builds his castles without stones or bricks; With gorgeous battlements and golden spires; And peoples them with creatures of his mind, With whom he moves inuch more than with his kind He is quite harmless; — worse than he have won (With zigzag verses, lain like a worm fence, Woven on gates and on 'wheelbarrows spun. Creaking and rasping, Avithout mood or tense,) The world's applause. See what Bret Harte has done, With lines six inches long. He can dispense With all except the yard-stick and italic, — No rolling eye nor surging encephalic. And the breech-clouted songster of the ledges, The whilom Modoc wanderer of Nevada, Who made to Indian maidens burning pledges, And stood to scores of papooses as " daddy ; " While skulking in the sage brush and the sedges; — He too is famous, but so like a foot-pad he Waylaid the world and gave it such a shock As fixed its eyeballs on this wild Modoc; And frightened it into some faint applause Of the weird warblings of this wampum bard. This scalp-dance bigamist of ugly squaws. Who wrote sweet verses, but being hugged too hard, In dusky arms and in the grizzly's paws, \'amoosed the ranche, still rhyming by the yard ; We have no gentler Modoc, or squaw-killcr. Nor milder mangier of our tongue than Miller. 10 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. And funny writers have we by the hundred; Worse too, 'tis feared this tribe's increasing daily; The pubUc have looked on and wept and wondered At the dread jokes of the bombastic Bailey ; O. C. K.'s mackerel troops so bled and blundered, That nations roared ; poor Artemus joked gaily ; But chief amongst the mirth-provoking train Stood the stove steamboat stevedore Mark Twain, Until the movirnful hero of Detroit, Blown higher than Mark T., struck for the crown ; The steamboats yield both wits, but that exploit — Caucasian upward, Ethiopian down — Pitched Lewis in the arena with the adroit And solemn wits- — cast suddenly in, chief clown — Sent upward more absurdly' and some quicker Than was Mark Twain by the Bogardus kicker. Your wit, unlike your bard, needs common sense, Although success is possible without it; With wit itself some witty men dispense; (Read the Danbury Nutmeg if you doubt it;) I wish the wits would wind up and go hence ; But then I don't care very inuch about it; For laughter lights the heart — care oft hath broke it — So here's to laughter and whoe'er provoke it. But for the poets I am here to plead; I want the world to note this injured class; Down at the heel, and always sore in need Of everything on earth except 'tis gas; They've elfins, fairies, and young fawns to feed, And wild does grazing on the prairie grass ; And butterflies to chase and doves to yoke; And some are drunk, or else deadbeats, or broke And cross'd in love — there never yet was one Worth sixty cents until he was thus crossed. And torn all up Avith jealousies, or run Entirely crazy by some fair one lost; His young hopes ended just where they begun; Like a 3'oung bean cut down by cruel frost. Or like a pig stuck in a garden tence, That squeals for life till liberated thence. And half the world can't understand tiieir use, The other half think them mere butterflies; And critics subject them to fierce abuse, So no one can get justice till he dies; And then the world, ere that blind and obtuse, Wakes up, like some one taken by surprise, And straightway falls to worshiping the dead, And praising madrigals before unread. The music of the soul is still the same. And so is poesy in all the ages ; And genius comes through the baptismal flame Flashed forth from heaven. Time hath its stops and stages, DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. H And swoops up generations; — love can claim Exemption from his ravages and rages; Springing from the eternal fount of light, It is the mainspring of the Almighty's might. And so it is the dear old music over, When the true poet doth the lyre attune, He strikes the chords struck by the earlier lover; He seeks his lady-love midst flowers in June; He ranges fields gfeaned oft by tuneful rover; He rides the sunbeams; he explores the moon; He reads the stars and ranges through the spheres, Like his ancestors for six thousand years. And far back in the ages dim, remote, The untutored poet, by love's passion fired, In rude and mystic hieroglyphics wrote The same hot story that "is now inspired, When I look in my 'lady's eyes and gloat Upon the precious treasure thus acquired, And never cease to express my glad surprise That the world's wealth is garnered in her eyes. Love hath one language, poetry one tongue. And souls are girt with telegraphic wires, O'er which intelligence is nimbly flung Of burning passions, or of Ibnd desires; And answering messages are quickly brung. Eves being the mediums of transmitted fires; So love is thus enabled to converse In its own tongue throughout the universe. But I am writing to apologize For writing what I've written, or may write; But like a half-tamed bird the subject flies. When I reach forth to grasp it. I am quite Put out by this. I want to state the whys And wherefores that I thus, in sorry plight, Bring to the assayist oi-e, and would be told Whether 'tis oroide or really gold. A lucky miner sometimes in a lode. Worked and abandoned by an earlier miner, Finds glittering treasure in 'some cranny stowed; And so a poet, or a penny-a-liner, May write a lucky essay or an ode. On a worn subject, that, if scarcely finer Than former pannings out, may be no lesser. And pass as current\is a predecessor. But here's a thought that very nearly smothers My rhvming aspirations altogether; My poetry perhaps may be another's. Found in some volume bound in gilded leather; These very lines may be some rhyming brother's! How in the deuce will I discover whether They were not written long ere I was born Thus putting me to trouble and to scorn! 12 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Still I say not what I sat out to say; I'm like a palsied man, whose shaky finger Points all the time in the contrary wav To that he wills it. That is why I linger, And eke this Introductory out all day; And here my muse flops down, (this rhyme has winged her!) I wish that Webster had made some provision To save a run-out rhymster from derision. But as I said, I'm trying to say — and now I think I see a way to bring it out; My muse reminds me of a breachy cow. That leaps in every pasture on her route; (And here I've lost the thread again somehow;) The reader well may ask what I'm about; I'm trying to tell him why I've written more On subjects written threadbare heretofore. The reason is — I really don't know what; Indeed I don't believe I have one after all; And since I come to think of it, I've got Just where I think the curtain ought to fall; But I'll run out this stanza on the spot, Or ho\er o'er old Webster like a pall; I don't belie\e I've said what I intentied, But rather think the Introductory ended. WILL. COBBETT'S VISION ; THE DEVIL AND TOM PAINE. [It may be well to state that Cobbett's Vision was written by a boy in his teens. It was composed in Louisville, Ky., at a time when relig- ious discussion ran high in public debates and in leading religious journals. Tliese made an impression vipon the mind of the writer that resulted in the composition that follows. Love for the cherished memories and im- pressions of boyhood's brief spring-time forbids any attempt to improve it, or to apologize for its imperfections.] THERE is a lake of lurid fire Lighted by God's revengeful ire. Wherein all souls are cast that stray From virtue during life's brief day. This lake of fire by God conceived, Is fixed (or so it is believed) Far down beneath — so far below That none except the damned shall know Its dreadful depth ; nor can the mind. With fancy's pinion unconfined. Conceive so deep, so wide a den As this designed for sinful men. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 13 Mind IS immortal — matter dies — The iimbs we have — tlie face — the eyes — • Must perish, vanish, fail, die, rot; " But we have that which dieth not. It was in the Creator's plan To put one particle in man — One attribute derived from Him — That death cannot despoil nor dim. And though some three-score years and ten The mortal part of mortal men May own — may hold this quenchlcs- spark. In some so bright, in some so dark — Soul — intellect — thought — reason — mind — Immured in matter — not confined; Something that, when the brain is gone Which it did animate, lives on. This is the immortal part of man, And let him value it who can; Because on this side of the tomb Is fixed its everlasting doom; As evil and good — inviting dishes — Are open, and each takes which he wishes. You choose the good — then to the skies Your soul goes when your body dies- But if you make rash choice of evil, Down goes your soul straight to the Devil — The Devil, the sooty fiend that rules The lake of flame tliat never cools. But even the existence of this pit Some folks deny, and so 'tis fit To give what proof we have of it. So, reader, let me lead you through The lake where howling devils dwell, Unfolding scenes as strange as true. That happened some years ago in hell. This tale, confided to my care, T ought to keep, but it is fair To think the millions now alive. Who hold through tickets to that den. Would like to hear how that hot hive Of devils do who once were men. And it may help confound the few Who swear there is no future pain. Rash skeptics! in this vision view The horrors which you spurn in vain ! And then this vision may assist The honest, earnest partialist; His creed may find, by quoting it. Strong proofs not found in Holy Writ; For when hell's actual scenes we view. Who can dispute or doubt them.'' — you.* There seems a deal of revelry. Of frantic mirth and fiendish glee, In this hot and sulphurous place. When any soul which, lost to grace, Makes its arrival at the gates. And cowers before its future mates. 14 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. That misery seeks to be allied To misery scarcely' is denied; And hence there is a grand revival In hell on every fresh arrival. And these are constant — everj' minute The gates swing open — crowds rush in it. Pell-mell they come — a ghastly crev/, Looking like politicians do, Who, after the election's carried, Rush to the capital with woeful faces, Lest their petitions will be parried, And others get the spoils and places. But they who throng the Devil's gate, Unlike the politicians here. Find that they never come too late To gain the administration's ear. If Cobbett's vision should be true. It proves that God, provoked to wrath. Made man and put him here, yet knew He would pursue a certain path — A pii':h that leads him without fail Where devils gnash the teeth and wail. This path God aimed that man should tread For when he formed the human heart, He formed it so it could be led From love and holiness apart. God doubtless did possess the might To form his creatures to rebel. Who made the heavens, the day and night, Had he not power to make a hell.' Some (whose belief's of little worth) Hold still that hell is in the earth, And that, though wickedness is rife, 'Tis mostly punished in this life; A burning hell doth ever rest In every erring mortal's breast. Without our knowledge, God doth give A soul that iTiust forever live. We find this never-dying breath Inhabiting a house of clay ; 'Tis not for us to say when death Will come and call the soul away. Our souls were made to follow sin, A hell made to torment us in. Unless, 'tis said, we do atone. What is atonement.? — who can tell.'' Is it the hypocrite's deep groan, Prompted by craven fears of hell.' Thmk God did foreordain at first, Tliat certain souls should be accursed, While certain others should be blest. And leave our doom to chance at best.' Thou fond young wife, think thou couldst be Happy in heaven if thou couldst see Thy partner dear in pain below .' — Thou tender mother, couldst thou go And dwell in glory in the skies While thou couldst hear the wailing cries DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 15 Of liusband, daughter, and of son? — Wouldst thou be liappy? — or undone? This hell-fire creed is held full dear — This faith that worships God through fear; And proof of it would glad the mind Of him who shouts in solemn glee That all the sinful of mankind Will writhe in hell eternally. For hell is waiting (So they are stating) And God is fating Poor souls below^ ; So all the evil In hell shall revel. They seem to know, As death does mow. Three fourths do go Down to the Devil And endless woe ! But to relieve us They kindly say, God will receive us If we will pray — Spend night and day In sad beseeching — In screams and screeching (Such is their teaching) While here we dwell; Still time is winging, And hourly bringing Sad tales that tell Some sinner's fell; His funeral knell In earth is ringing While he's in hell! Thus God doth make us But to forsake us — Lets Satan take us. Still they rely Upon a treasure That God doth measure To some who die; 'Tis said they fly Straight to the sky, To bask in pleasure With God on high. But these bad rhymes will scarce convince The man who reading them doth wince. The man who knows that 3'ou are wrong. Will not be satisfied with song; Although you rhyme till doom shall crack, He'll have at you, and argue back. Hence it is futile for the muse To praise one creed — one to abuse; Though creeds are bad and men are worse, Neither is vanquished by bad verse. Who could dig out, with pick or pen, The absurdities sealed up in men? 16 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Therefore mj muse, berhyming man\-, Is not the advocate of any ; Speaks not in spirit of derision, But comes to chronicle a vision. This much is merely prefatory. So now have done, and to my story. A THUNDER-STORM — A BIG SPREE. It was a sultry summer day, The sun had shed his latest ray, Which hung upon the western sky, As if unwilling yet to die. But smiled at twilight's mystic frown, Till darkness flung her mantle down, And nature for a moment seemed To lie like one who sweetly dreamed — In that half state 'twixt sleep and wake. Whence dreams their gorgeous li^■eries take, And fancy decks a little sphere. With beings indistinct though dear. Just as the twilight closed its eyes. While stillness walked upon the air, Some threatening clouds began to rise, Like robbers from a hidden lair. Abo\e the horizon they crept In black and terrible array. To fright the earth, that sw"eetl\- slept. With battle's uproar and disniaj'. The storm-fiend quickly massed his force: The winds came forth — the thunders hoarse. With lightning's quick, terrific flash To add more horrors to each crash. Then all the elements together. That go to make outrageous weather. United their malignant powers To make the worst of thunder-showers. The night from dark to blackness grew; The ^vinds with all their fury blew; While sheets of mingled rain and hail In torrents from the clouds were poured. Still fiercer grew the furious gale. And louder still the thunders roared. It was upon this luckless night That Cobbett, from his home belated. Refused to wait for morning's light Or till the furious storm abated. He, with some precious friends, had been The whole of the preceding day Carousing at a country inn. And now a jovial set were they. But Will., resolving to retire. Could not be baulked by flood nor fire ; And though the storm was waxing stronger. His friends could not detain him longer ; So with a last regretful glass. They stood aside to let him pass. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 17 Emergiriij from his cozy inn, One minute wet him to the skin; Nor was he two vards from the door, Till he was crawling on all-four! But rising midst the pelting rain, He onward trudged, with heated brain ; Caring no more for slush and mud Than sui-geons care for flesh and blood Already had he got as wet As it was possible to get. With hailstones bouncing from his pate, And swearing like a reprobate. He tugged ahead, but inly swore He wished he had not left the door. And ere he was ten minutes out. He half resolved to face about. But- now our hero did not know Which way he came, nor which to o-o. Still on he groped, but vainly groped. And hoped, and just as vainly hoped' To find some hut or humble'shed. To shield him till the storm had fled, Pelted with rain — wet through and through — Deafened with thunder — blinded, too, " With lightning's fitful, forked flashes,' Singeing, he thought, his very lashes! Blown up and dgwn and round about, He felt his courage oozing out. At length it left him, like his hat: The winds had rushed away with that. Still on our hero madlv strode. To find a shelter or a "road. Cutting more antics than a clown In scrambling up and tumbling down; 'Twas wormwood in his bitter cup. This tumbling down and scramblin'o- up At length he stumbled in a road * He thought he had not trod before; Here, too, must be some one's abode; He groped and found an open door He gladly entered in, although He thought 'twas but a cattle shed. By whom possessed he did not know,' And did not care: his giddv head Was in a whirl of thick confusion; And as he stumbled in the stv, A flock of sheep at this intrusion, Went scampering out with bleating cry. The first merino, as it passed. Upset our hero in its flight; A hundred more rushed out so fast. That he was trampled breathless quite. He roared with pain, Avhile every sheep. As it went bleating, bounding" out. Contrived to take a "flving leap From prostrate Cobbett's bleeding snout. Poor Cobbett thought the dreadfurhour Of death and doom was close at hand ; 2 18 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. But cursed the sheep while he had power, And words and breath at his command. The sheep were gone — the last one's feet Had rasped our hero's face complete. His senses, like the sheep had fled, And there, clear drunk, and worse than dead, With many a deep and bleeding wound. He lay upon the chilly groiuid. There let him rest while we repair Unto his comrades in the hall — Wine, songs and jests were passing there. While Will, was quite forgot by all. THE THIEF. Mine host was in his chair asleep, When suddenly a crash without, Caused him to start — "My sheep! iny sheep! Some thieves are stealing them no doubt! There cannot pass a night like this, No matter be it hot or cold. But in the morning I mvist miss A good fat wether from my fold. Come, boys, let us surround the pen. And if we take those odious men. You shall have drink and lodging free. And aught beside that you demand ; I'd give one hundred pounds to see Those villains on the scaflFold stand." As quick as thought away they flew, Though still the ram in torrents fell — The night still dark and dismal too. As a convicted murderer's cell. The wind in fitful gusts did blow. Now shrieking shrilly in the trees. Now o'er the chimneys moaning low. Now wailing o'er the distant seas. Our friends ad\anced with cautious tread. And softly crept about the shed. But save the v.ind's inclement sigh. No sound fell on the listening ear; No object met the straining eye. " If robbers caused the rumpus here. They with their booty must have fled; Or are they lurking in tlie shed.'' Those rogues are very sly and bold." Our host resolved to search the fold, And as he groped to find the door, He pitched headforemost o'er the sill — One low, deep-muttered curse — no more — Was uttered b\' our hero 1(7//. Now if our worthy host had fell Upon a tigress in her ca\e, He'd not have given a wilder yell. Nor fiercer bound than now he gave. He started like a frightened deer. Though he ^^•as an unwieldy sot — • DRAMAS AND MISCELLANKOUS POExMS. 19 " Murder ! — O, murder ! — murder ! — here ' " He suddenly thought a fearful plot Was laid to take his precious lite; He almost felt the assassin's knife' Between his ribs.— He flew about — "O Lord! if he were only out!" He had received a nameless note, Some time before, which said his' throat bhould soon be cut from ear to ear He knew 'twas the assassin here. He felt that he deserved the blow: For he had sold the liery waters Which caused the bitter tears to tlow P>om sufl^ering mothers, sons and daughters. Yes, he had lived and thrived for vears Upon the want, disgrace and tears" Ot many a family, that would be Better and happier far than he. Were it not for the accursed cup That swallowed all their substance up. Reflectmg thus he ceased to bawl, But softly crept around the wall, ' Hoping that if the door were found Ere he received the fatal wound, He yet might, by a desperate run. Escape a death by gash or gun. His friends, he felt, had, in afiright. Sought safety in ignoble flight. But little had those revelers thought To leave their host and run away; They had with desperate valor sought To gain admittance to the fray. One of the braves had wisely been Dispatched to bring a lantern out. The cry of murder ceased within — Their hairs stood up with dread and doubt — When suddenly a flying form Went rushing past.— " Was it the thief?" His tramp was heard above the storm— ■ The chase was sudden, bold and brief. The fugitive was quickly nabbed. For he was anything but fleet. And three or four stout fellows grabbed And dragged the villain through the street. While he was mute from fright or pain. They dragged him roughly through the "rain. His nose was sliding o'er "the mud, And tinging it with valiant blood. They quickly dragged hiin to the house Where they had held their late carouse. But when they brought him to the light. Why stai-t they back with dumb aftright.=— If each had seen his mother's ghost. He'd not have shrunk in more dismay Than each man did to see his //os/ Quite lifeless on the hearth-rug lav. Here was, indeed, a pretty fix! The maids went oft" in hysterics — 20 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. The hostess in a douhle swoon — " If we do not reHe\ e tlicm soon, The ladies will have ceased to kick. Bring water — canipiior — hartsiiorn — quick I .\. quart of water suddenly thrown On each, for better or for worse, Brougiit forth from each a shriek, a groan, A kick, a half-siipjiressed curse. Their mouths were then filled full of salt, Whicli had a wonderful effect — It caused them suddenly to \ault Upon their feet, and to eject The oftensive dose with sputtering spits; When each fair one was cured of fits. Meantime our host had come around, y\.nd finding he was safe and sound — O'erjoyed at his escai>e from danger — From brutal murder and the manger — Fancied, with undisguised delight, Himself the hero of the night; And though as stingy as a flint, He sat out liquor without stint; And seated with his friends at table, Taking a glass of brandy first, His fearful battle in the stable. With full particulars, he rehearsed. THE LANDLORD S BATTLE. He said that there were half a dozen or more, Who grappled with liim at the sheep-fold .door. He struck out at random — though often lie missed, Yet he had knocked some of them down with his fist. At last he was seized by the hair of the head, And dragged by these murderers into the shed; And here he was buffeted round in the straw Till he got a fair lick at a daring outlaw. The shock of the blow sent them both to the ground — One fell by the blow — one by its rebound. A half-muttered curse at his "horrible luck. Was all that he heard from tlie one that he struck. In short, he encountered the \illains no more; But as he retired by the sheep-fold door, He pitched over one of the rogues as he lay Where he was knocked down in the open door-way. He thought that the blow must have killed Jiim outright; That his comrades in terror had taken to flight. Such is the account of the battle as told To his horror-struck friends by their landlord bold. THE MISTAKE. Meantime the bottle flew about, Re-animating every one. Till they resolved to sall\- out And see what mischief had been done. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. '^l Guns, pistols, axes, hoes and spades Were quickly mustered for the fray.; The hostess, with her waiting maids, With torcli and lantern led the way. Just as they issued forth the blast; As armies on the battle-field, Sum all their fury for a last Terrific charge before they yield; Even thus the warring elements Did in a brief, concluding shower; Terrific, fearful and intense; Concentrate their remaining power. 'Twas past: The n-oon with silvery ray, Looked softly down on hill and vale, Where late the pall of darkness lay. And roared the wild and furious gale; Like rays of sunshine suddenly senT Upon the reeking, smoking plain. Where the fierce war-god just has spent His strength in deaHng death and pain; Just as the last fierce charge is o'er. And silent is the cannon's' roar, And all is dark and doubt beneath The smoke that rising, doth reveal The carnage and the work of death Wrought by the foemen's shot and steel. No cloud could now be seen above. In all the arched and pure expanse; And all was placid as the love For which the mateless turtle pants; While many a bright and glittering star Was twinkling softly from afar, The nightingale's delicious note Was ringing in the woods remote: And merrily on yonder hill Broke forth tlie noisy whippowil. Our friends led by the petticoats, Approached the" scene of recent strife. But cautiously, for fear their throats Might suddenly feel the assassin's knii'e. They halteti opposite the door. And raised their torches in the air; When, sure enough, one man or more Was stretched apparently lifeless there. What should thev do? — could he be dead.?— Wei-e others lurking in the shed.? He was not dead — the hostess swore She heard the monstrous villain snore! He was prej^ared for blood\' work — Our host could plainly see a dirk Held in his fist with "savage clutch — The women plainly saw as much. 'Twas now resolved to fire at him, For sorely ^as our host afraid There was on foot some stratagem To draw them into ambuscade. The law would justity the act — No mortal could disp"ute the fact. 22 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. "Now," said our host, "let every one, WIio has a pistol or a gun. Fire, and together, at the foe. And then with axe and spade and hoe, Rush on and break the murderer's head, And beat him till we're sure he's dead!" After this brief and bold address, Each aimed as well as he could guess; A pause ensued — each heart beat quick — "Fire!" cried our host — click — click — tchu — click! None killed — they had not touched the man. One had no priming in the pan ; Another one had lost the flint — Besides there was no powder in't — 'Twas loaded only with a ball — One musket was not charged at all; Some had been primed, but there had been Nor shot nor powder put within. "Charge!" cried our host, "with pick and spade! Charge on the villains! — who's afraid! We're not the men to turn our backs!" — Commanding thus he seized an axe — "We may be killed, but damn the odds!" — They charged with firm resohe to kill — The axe was raised — "Hold! — by the gods, 'Tis our convenient comrade Will ■' He's crawled in here to take a nap, Thus nearly causing a mishap." " His eyes are dim ; You've murdered him, You vender of bad wine! You rogue, 'tis clear That many a year In prison you must pine!" " O," cried our host, " Though I did boast, I swear most solemnly 'Twas all in fun, I struck no one. And no one struck at me. I think that it Must be a fit. Most likely epilepsy. Brought on perhaps, By thunder claps. And being wet and tipsy." " He's wet and muddy. His face is bloody; Yet still he moves, he lives — Jim! Jack! and Dick! Run boys! — be quick! And bring restoratives." A glass of gin Turned suddenly in His stomach by a waiter. Quick brought him to So that he knew And struck the perpetrator. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 23 Our hero was borne by his friends from the shed; They examined his bruises, and dressed every wound; And soon he was snugly reposing in bed, His nose giving notice of slumbers profound. THE VISION THE ANGEL. As soon as sleep had closed our hero's eyes He heard a voice commanding him to rise. The voice was strange — unearthly — with afiright He started up, when lo! a dazzling light, Shone through his room — 'twas not the light of dav Daylight were darkness to its vivid ray. Our hero gazed around with timid eye, But not a human form could he descry. Close by his bed the voice appeared to be: — "Arise! thou skeptic! rise and follow me! I am commanded to conduct thee hence — A righteous judgment on thy past offense. I am an angel irom the realms on high. And long, though viewless to thine earthly eye. Have I watched o'er thy guilty, erring head, ' And marked with weeping eye thy downward tread. Thy days are numbered in this sinful world; Soon thou wilt soar above or else be hurled Down to that hell where torments never end, — Down to that hell which thou durst to contend Hath no existence. It remains to see, After the horrors I disclose to thee, And thou returnest to thine house of clay, If thou wilt by repentance wash away Thy many sins; or if thou still wilt run Thy race of wickedness long since begun. Since time began there never yet hath been A mortal taken from this world of sin. And shown the mysteries beyond the grave, And then sent back to warn' mankind to save Their souls from hell; and further to remain A living witness of eternal pain. Such is thy lot — it is ordained that thou Shalt see this lake of fire, and then avow The fearful fact unto thy fellow-men, When thou return'st unto the earth again. Thou shalt return, and though thy davs are few, Life will be spared until thou makest "a true And faithful record of what thou shalt see. And seek'st for mercy if't seem meet to thee." Our hero felt a pang' shoot through his heart, As if his soul were struggling to depart; A sense of suffocation in his throat. While indistinctly objects seemed to float In the dark distance — yet a struggle more — 'Twas past — the soul was free, and hovering o'er The silent breast where it had long been pent; The pulseless, lifeless corse which just was rent By many a pang, ere it would yield the breath Which was its life, but died not with its death. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. With snowy robes and wings like angels wear, Our hero's spirit floated in the air; The holy angel hovering near was seen, Fair as a lovely vu-gin of sixteen. In fact, it was a young and lovely girl. With soft blue eyes and many a wa\y curl Divinely floating o'er her cheek of rose — Her flushing lips but faintly did disclose The pearly teeth that filled her dewy mouth — Her breath was sweet as incense from the south. Now did this lovely angel mount the sky, Commanding Will, to follow her on high. Away they soared above on heavenly wings, Leaving the earth with all its earthly things. Nothing was hid from Will.'s unfettered soul; The heavens, the earth, the oceans — all — the whole Of vast creation opened to the view. As they were soaring through the ethereal blue. But now their course was downward, downward still. Much to the horror of our hero Will. The climate, too, was getting rather hot; He groaned in terror, tearing 'twas his lot To be cast in the pit of endless woe — A smell of sulphur issued from below. But now behold, by cords swung in the air, A writing table and an easy chair. The angel said with firm, but pitj'ing tone, "Be seated in the chair — reporter's throne — Write what thou seest with true and faithful pen, And print a book upon the Devil's den. Here, take this pen and ink, and paper too." These words she spake, and vanished from the view; And more than this, our hero's wings were gone. With the white robes which he so late put on. HELL, AS SEEN BY COBBETT. Half dead with fright and prompted by despair, Will, grabbled firmly to his swinging chair; For look beneath him! what a fearful sight! There he beheld the realms of endless night. There hell's hot flames in seething volumes rolled, Most positively frightful to behold. As far as Will, could see on every side. The roaring flames formed a resistless tide. And horrors on black horrors heap up higher! Will, saw dark beings walking in the fire! He thought 'twould take ten thousand men a year To count the damned ones he saw roasting here. And he could hear the groans of those beneath. The weeping, wailing — gnashing of the teeth; The cries for water for the parched tongue; The imprecations on the fates which flung Temptations in the way — and then, for crime. Doomed souls to roast in fire throughout all time. Will, clutched his chair and pen with nervous grip; He feared a slip of pen, but more a slip DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. ''JO From his big chair, whose consequence most dire Would be a leaden plunge plump in the tire. With glaring eye-balls and with shaky hand He spread his paper on his writing stand. His knees smote other till the bones did rattle; And like the bristles on the boar in battle, His hair stood up; — his teeth had rattled loose; What wit he had was not tor present use; The blood was boiling that was in his brains, While all the rest was frozen in his \'eins; His joints were locked, his sinews still as boards; His dead tongue as incapable of words As so much beef; nor liver, melt and gall Could muster one idea 'mongst them all ; Perhaps no author e'er essayed to write With worse surroundings or in poorer plight. THE DEVIL, AS SEEN BY COBBETT. Amidst the flames Will, saw the Devil stand, WMth a red poker in his iron hand. With which he now and then stirred up the coals To benefit some late-arrived souls. Will, recognized him by his cloven foot. Which never could be hid in shoe nor boot; But saving this he was surprised to see How plain a monster Satan seemed to be. But be it known to every Christian nation That Satan has great powers of imitation. And can at pleasure put on any shape — The form of man — of woman — serpent --ape — Or aught besides that suits his aim or whim; But his cleft foot is a fixed part of him. He can take off his horn, his tail, his ears — Come as a youth, or as if weighed with years; But his cleft hoof betrays his presence still ; He never hid it, and he never will. Short, thick and heavy-set he now appeared; Cross-eyed, humpbacked, bow-legged and lop-eared. His skin was rough, his great eyes fiery red; He had a tail like to a quadruped. A horn like a rhinoceros, and great claws Like a fell dragon, as he is, and was. He now stood still, and seemed lost in reflection, Like candidates just beaten at election. Thus Cobbett, as it were, saw face to face The ancient enemy of Adam's race — The Christian's foe — the father of all lies — And heard the monster thus soliloquize: THE devil's SOLILOQUY, AS RECORDED ON THE SPOT BY COBBETT. And now tliere fell on Cobbett's ear A shrill, prolonged, terrific shout; The poor man started in his chair — In fact he almost tumbled out. 26 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. This was the Devil in his glee Arousing from his reverie, Then did this horrid monster cry, "Hurra for hell! I do defy — Almost defy — the power of God: The best of men my paths ha\e trod; At least ibr me they were the best. Tut! I care nothing for the rest, So that my followers do contrive, While living in the sinful world, To keep the current crimes alive, • And when they die to hell be hurled. With God for ages did I dwell ; But some of us dared to rebel; And then he hurled us in the dark. But we possessed the electric spark : — Though from his presence we were fated, We could not be annihilated. We fallen angels wandered round ; Nor light nor resting-place was ibund ; Water was all that we could find ; We flitted on with weary wing; Damp clouds ahead, and fogs behind. And conscience stabbing with its sting. At last the rest resohed to cr\' To our oftended God on higli; But I was rash — I would not bow. Nor ask for mercy even now. At this the Lord was so displeased His wi-ath can never be appeased; This lake of fire for mine and me Will burn to all eternity. But God, in fact, could not revoke The dread anathema he spoke When he in iury cast us out, Although he wished us back, no doubt — That is, there is no doubt that he Desired to pardon all but me. But he could not receive us now — The eternal laws of heaven were broken. And God had registered his \ow — The dreadful mandate had been spoken. And yet we wept to see our woe — Our wandering in the void, below. At last he summoned us on high ; We flew to meet him in the sky. When, frowning on us, thus he spake: ' I would, but yet I cannot take You back to heaven — but yet you mav Return, though in a tortuous way. I'm going to put you in the earth — To give 3'ou a material birth ; And I will fill the world with light, And if while there you do aright. Then will I take you to me here, Though you must suffer many a year. The clayey temple each will fill, Will last vou but a little time; DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 27 When 'tis worn out 3011 either will Return to this unclouded clime, Or enter in another one, According to the deeds you'\e done; So on till time shall pass awav. You'll pass trom house to hoi:i;e of clay, In case you dare to disobey. I first shall try but one of you, And when I see what he will do, More clayey temples shall be tormed. And by your souls he nio\ ed and warmed. This is the way you must i.ujne — In this way, and in this alone. Can you find favor in my sight, And be restored to realnis of light. While in your tenements of clay. You will be tempted man}' a wav; Be watchful and resist it all — One slip entails an age of thrall. Error and Truth will each engage. And struggle for your patronage ; Now you'll love virtue, and now vice — Each will attend — each wi'.l entice; And you may think them near allied, Still you will want no law nor guide To point out as you pass along. The line di\ iding right and wiong; For in each bosom there shall be An umpire, sleepless as the sea: Do you a right or a wrong act, That instant you shall feel the fact. The body I shall put you in Will have strong passions, fierce desires — Will be disposed to follow sin — Will heat j'ou with the hottest fires. Yield if you please — joy will attend; And if you like it yield, and spend The remnant of your time below: You have some attributes of mine, Therefore (I grieve to see you go) Do what you may I will combine With earth's infirmities and care Some bliss as sweet as angels share. I hope to see you all return," He said, and then addressing me, — "But you, black Lucifer! I spurn! — Be gone! — and cursed forever be!" I felt his words in all their weight. And shuddered at my fixed fate. But I ha\'e been avenged for all, — I planned our own and Adam's fall. So now to carry out the plan Which the Almighty had in view He made a creature — named it MAN — Made it in his own image, too. The plan, as it would seem, was this: The earth to he a bower of love; The fallen here lo dwell in bliss, Such as thev had enioved above; 28 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. While serving their probation here. The penance to be \oid of pain — Joy, joy for them in either sj^liere — Joy to return — joy to remain. For even it they biiould transgress, The bliss would be but little less; At most 'twould but prolong their stay — They would be happy either way. I was the only soul alive With whom the Almighty seemed to strive. Even in their banishment he blest, And !*ought to reinstate the rest. All that could capti\ate the eye — All sounds that could delight the ear — Were formed for man by the Most High ; And then he placed a wom.\n here. The fallen soul in Adam thought, When first he saw this charming flower, That the relenting gods had brouglit One of the angels to his bower. Though she was nude, yet still he tlid See nothing that he wished were hid ; And loved her not a whit the less Because she was devoid of dress. what a lovely girl was Eve, As thus I saw her long ago, And sought her only to deceive, .Vnd fit her for her life of woe! In rapture Adam viewed her charms. And longed to clasp her in his arms; But dumb with awe, love and respect. He could not speak to her direct. But still he gazed with glad surprise, While downward turned her timid eyes. Poor Eve could not hold up her head. While thus the Lord to Adam said : THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT. "This woman is to be your bride; She'll walk and slumber by your side. Feast on her beauties with your sight. But do not touch her day nor night. Should you so much as touch her hand, 'Twould chain your spirit to this land. Let her be sacred in vour eves; Look, love, long, languish — yet be wise. If you give way to passion's power, And touch or taste this fragile flower. You will prolong your sojourn here For many and many a weary vear. She will be with you night and dav, Till you wear out this frame of clay ; And if you do resist her till Your body dies, why then vou will, (Your penance paid,) pure and forgiven, Return at once to me in heaven. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 29 But if 3'ou should be led astray, Soon as your present body dies, You'll go in a new house of clay, Instead of sjoinsr to the skies." THE TEMPTATION THE FALL, AS GIVEN BY THK DEVIL HIMSELF. Straightway I went and tempted Eve, I found her willing to believe, — It was not very long, I guess, Till eager Adam did transgress! God cursed tlie earth and all in it, For Adam's promptness to commit This horrid sin. Thus was I pleased. Thus my starved vengeance was appeased ; And thus I saw God's plans frustrated : Millions of souls were soon created; But God made this eternal hell The very hour that Adam fell ; And Prince of Darkness, with dread power Was I ordained that verv hour. Because his love was turned to wrath, In consequence of Adam's fall. Who failed to tread the narrow path. And was so prompt to sin, withal. The other fallen spirits were Called back to heaven without delay, Because the Almighty did not dare Put them in tenements of clay; For men had sprung so fast from one. He saw no end to what he'd done. He wished he had not tried the plan — Wished he had not created man; It grieved him very much indeed; But now he could not well recede. He made their lives a brief career, And then confined their spirits here. It gave him pleasure to condemn, And damn each sinful rogue of them. Since Adam's fall not one in ten Has missed the torments of this den. God gave me power in hell and earth To torment all that should have birth. This dreadful power thus gi\-en to me I've exercised throughout all time — I've used all kinds of subtlety To fill the earth with fraud and crime. How man}- a war have I created. Merely to see the warriors slain, Knowing that most of them were fated. To this black pit of brimstone bane! Oft have I walked the battle field, And urged the insane combatants on My agency so well concealed, That each believed his Aveapon drawn 30 DRAMAS AND M1SCELLANE(3US POEMS. For God, for justice and for riglit; While, I, sole causer of the light. Have laughed to see the red blood spout From fools who'd naught to fight about. And when the murderous work was o'er, And heaps lay smoking in their gore, Then have I scampered back to hell. To welcome the unfettered souls, And have the villains toasted well On beds of seven times heated coals. Thus far I've kept God's fools at strife — Forced one to take another's life — Caused some to gamble — some to steal — The strong to make the feeble feel Oppression's rod. How many a maid, In truth and innocence arrayed. Whose ^■oung and gentle heart ne'er beat To aught except emotions sweet, T'll some fair-spoken \illain came, With hungry but inconstant flame. And in a dark unguarded hour. In his false and seductive arins Has lost her all — her heavenly dower — Her peace of mind — her charm ot charms — And from a bright and gladsome girl Fell to a shunned and loathsome thing; Her future life a giddy whirl Of shame and sin, and sorrowing! What power impelled him to destro\- Such treasure for such transient joy ? 'Twas I who urged him to the act — 'Twas I! — I glory in the fact! Millions who own the name of God, Join church — profess to tread the path That Christ and the apostles trod. Have felt, or yet will feel, the wrath Of a just God, who will not let One sinner miss this pit of pain. Nor pardon the base hypocrite Who takes his holy name in vain. And in the pale and pews of chmxhes Is where hypocrisy most perches. I always heap the hottest embers Upon those hypocritic members. All worship of the Lord I hate. And so I've managed to create Endless disputes among the fools Who toil for God, yet are my tools. I glory in sectarian fights And contro\ersies about rites And ceremonies, and so forth, (Which altogether are not worth One sinner's soul,) for ites and isms — Burning at stakes, church wars, wide schisms Grow out of these — t'nese I promote. I also cause each sect to quote The scripture, amply to attest. That loving it, God hates tiie rest. DRAMAS AND IMISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 31 The path of righteousness is plain, The scripture's easily understood; But I distract each teacher's brain, So none interpret as the\- should. I am the patron of discord' Among the churches of the Lord. I sow the seeds of fell dissension Among all Christians worth attention. I think perhaps I've made a sect For every chapter in the book; And some, I do admit, reflect Small credit anywhere. They look As if they had no instigator — Redeemer, country nor Creator. I do despise ridicidous fools, Who hope by rigmaroles and rules. Wan visages and dress fantastic. Loud bellowing and feats gymnastic, To make a little noise and show! — Such nonsense does provoke me so! I always help to multipl\' Sects and absurdities ; but I Am forced to l^lush, though that seems odd, At certain worshipers of God. Another aniirial I hate — The creature who sits down to wait For what may come — is this nor tiiat — Nor " man nor mouse, nor long-tailed rat " — . Will take no side in controversy — He is not worth a single curse — he Has nothing positive about him; I want him not, and God must doubt him; — Too bad for God — too good for me — I don't know what his fate should be. There ought to be some place between For those who're neither good nor mean — For those who walk through life so level, Trimming between God and the Devil. I like a downright reprobate, Or one who walks into me straight; The former is always fit for use; The latter I may perhaps seduce. But I despise your neuter gender — Your faint defamer — faint defender — Indifferent about salvation — Too indolent to earn damnation. Such mortals are of small account — No matter if tiiey descend or mount. They have no influence in tiie earth — Unfit for heaven, and yet not worth The fire and brimstone that would burn 'em- Therefore I'll none of them — I spurn 'em. And if the Almigiity spurns them, too, I don't see what they're going to do. The Pope has, in the basement story Of heaven, a place called purgator\- ; A place for Catholics, temporary — A very clever notion — yer\- — 32 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Whence they're redeemed by dint of masses, (Bought by the humbler, meeker masses,) And then sent upward, purified From the small sins in Avhich they died. But these nobodies are, I hope, Held in such odor hy the Pope, That one dares not intrude his face In this Catholic half-way place. I like divines \vho go in strong — Who swear all but themselves are wrong; I like intolerance — it tends To forward and promote my ends. However preachers disagree. They're one as to their hate of me. I am the monster horned ox 'Gainst whom the congregated flocks Make common war, but mostly get, I think, somewhat the worst of it. They've force sufficient, I am sure. But then their strategy is poor; They seem to have no general plan Against the enemy of man. Their leaders are not w^ell selected; Their flanks are oft-times unprotected ; They fight in companies and squads, And mostly where I have the odds. But for the way I keep them scattered, I should be most severely battered. They've pluck, and zeal, and vengeful ire; But cannot concentrate their fire; They cannot concentrate — they scatter: I think that's chiefly what's the matter. Yet preachers will pursue the project; And with bad grammar and worse logic I'm still assailed; at times, I trust, To well-bred people's slight disgust. But I can bear to take abuse From men I put to so good use. And frequently, as T infer. Men of quite moderate caliber Are urgently impelled to preach — Knowing nothing makes them want to teach; Learning and brains are not required By men miraculously inspired. Let these their nati\'e tongues still mangle — (Poor bait Avith which the Lord doth angle For a few sinners, but he catches Only some poor and ignorant wretches). There ^ire divines of heavier mettle That I make use of to unsettle The Christian world, and tear in tatters Theology and such like matters. Oft do i set two such debating On scripture points, while I am waiting To snatch their souls, not caring which Leads the most followers in the ditch. While each to yield his point is loth, I laugh, for 1 am sure of both. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 33 With satisfaction I review The old devices and the new By which I've made the world a hell, Almost as hot as where I dwell. I think the cleverest trick of mine Was teaching men the use of wine. I found man much too cold — too tame, And made him wine to heat — to inflame. I think I can effect with liquor More crime and misery — do it quicker Than with all other means together; And I have sometimes doubted whether. Without its use — without the bowl, I'd long have kingdom or control ! And hence, though scorning to imbibe, I'm friendly to the liquor tribe — To all the venders and distillers — To all the tipplers and the swillers; I'm for its general use, that's flat, For hell were empty but for that." He paused, then suddenly gave a shout, A fierce, prolonged and frightful yell,' Which split the ears. Will, had no doubt, Of even the deafest imps in hell. By this the damned were notified To rally round their chieftain grim; And instantly, from every side. Came millions crowding unto him. From every course and quarter round, Through the hot sea of seething flame, With flagging feet or furious bound. The fire-doomed legions quickly came. Then Satan gestured with his paw. When down went all the imps in awe; And thus in thundering tones he spoke. While from his mouth came fire and smoke. THE devil's SPEECH, AS TAKEN IN SHORT-H.VND BY COBBETT. " Give ear, you prostrate imps of hell, To what I say, and mark me well. Since my own fall I have not slept; Since Adam's fall I have not wept. My mission it has ever been To overwhelm the world with sin; And to scorch, roast and torture you; Which I have loved — still love to do. Your Maker and yourselves I hate. Yet I feel called upon to state, While love and mercy I discard, I think your punishment too hard. It is unjust that you should be Tormented here eternally — Burnt ever, yet still left" entire. I do approve the use of fire. 34 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. And burning you is my delight, Yet I would burn you up outright, And feed the whirlwinds with Avhat cheat The greedy flames refused to eat. But it is God's benevolent will, . So you must burn, you devils, still. But I. am going to set you free For a brief season, so that ye May have some rest while I repose; For I am now resolved to close My weary eyes and take a nap; But to provide against mishap, Here's Cromwell, who will take command ; His will is law; but understand. Unless you do something that's right He has no power to punish vou; Your torment ceases from to-night. Till I have slept a month or two This fire that has been burning here For inany and many a hundred year, Shall now be quenched, and you shall revel. From fainting fiend to fearless devil, In rivers of the purest water — Which I shall presently cause to flow, — Sire, son, and mother, sister, daughter. Shall have a short respite from woe. No fire shall burn in my domain Save in yon pit prepared ibr Paine. Poor Thomas Paine! — the wrath of heaven Will soon be hurled upon his head, Because he's so perversely striven A little common sense to spread. There is no reason in the masses — Poor Paine will find, perhaps to-morrow, That he's been preaching unto asses. And that to his eternal sorrow. In some dispatches from on high, Which I received some days ago, I learn that Paine is soon to die. And come to me, of course, you know. And it is God's express desire That I shall light the hottest fire That it is possible to light, For Paine's especial benefit; 'Tis done, and should he come to-night. You'll plunge him headlong into it. But first, you'll drench him well with lead. And mind that it is boiling hot; And heap live coals upon his head. He'll beg, of course, but mind it not. Remind him of the books he wrote; Then ram a reptile down his throat; And hurl him headlong in the pit. And throw more brimstone into it; And then throw in some snakes and toads; We've plenty here in my abodes. Thus, should he come while I'm asleep. Enjoy his torture and your glee; DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 35 But mind, so quiet you must keep That jour mad orgies wake not me. The heavenly powers must wreak their wrath On this rebeUious worm of theirs, Because for many years he hatli Taught mortals anything but prayers. He has denied that I exist. But he will presently change his mind, Especially when he feels my fist! For I intend to beat him blind! Because I urged him to deny The existence of a God on high ; And though he's labored hard to show- That there is not a hell below, And thus far has subserved me well, By helping, people into hell; Yet still I urged him to proclaim That men and brutes are on a level — That their hereafter is the same — That there is neither God nor Devil. Without regarding hints of mine He looked around and saw Design; And from observing Nature's Laws, Inferred and argued a First Cause. And this first cause, he understood, Was great and wise and therefore good, And merciful, and just and pure — A pretty doctrine, to be sure! And to be set up by my friend! Why even the Christians don't defend God's character — their doctrines go To prove, in fact they clearly show. That God is a revengeful God, Who glories in yoiu' torture here; And the}' urge men to shun the rod By rousing that base feeling, fear. For this I'll have a lick at Paine; I'll teach the rascal to rebel ! But now we'll have a little rain, Where never yet a drop has fell." INHABITANTS OF THE MOON THE ANGELS AND THE LORD — A SHOWER — THE DEVIL ASLEEP. Will, cast his eyes about with some concern, But not a sign of rain could he discern ; Which pleased him much, for the forgetful fellow. Had come away without his silk umbrella. The stars were twinkling and the sky was clear; And the great moon hung high above his chair. In looking up he casually perceived What he supposed would hardly be believed. He had long wondered who lived in the moon, Not dreaming he should ascertain so soon ; But gazing now, his admiration rose, To see great flocks of women without clothes, 36 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Mingling with men whose robes were snowj white, Walking 'mid flowers and bathed in golden light. Svich women, too ! — the plainest would make mad The whole wide world, if it such beauty had ! No old ones there — thej all were young and gay ; So were the men, and smiling as sweet May. And in the groves and arbors and sweet bowers, Were crowds of smaller creatures gathering flowers. If this were heaven, it would seem a truth That there the aged are restored to youth; And that the little children there appear In the sweet innocence we so love here. Great was Will.'s joy as he could now discern That little children were not doomed to burn. He dashed the words so the whole world might knOA\', He smv great cro-vds above but none belozu. As from a picture the prolonged gaze Still brings new charms and wonders to amaze — Brings charms and wonders that ne'er meet the eye Of slight observer, or of passer-by ; So the fixed look of Cobbett brought to light What had at first escaped his ravished sight; He saw what inan ne'er saw and never will — He saw his God, and then his eye stood still! P'ixed was he in his seat as sculptured stone, At sight of God and his bedazzling throne. Great was his stature, but his beauty rare — A woman's softness with man's sterner air Was sweetly blended; but our hero's sight Was blasted with intensity of light; And this is all that he could e'er record About the moon, the angels and the Lord — Except when one day some one wanted proof As to his hanging in a chair aloof. And wondered how a chair or a balloon Could hang all night on nothing 'neath the moon, He said the cords that held his chair forlorn Were tied securely to that planet's horn. But suddenly a strange and rushing sound — A hissing, roaring, loud enough to drown The uproar of a thousand surging seas. With all the cataracts combined with these, Fell on his ear, and looking down below, He found that it was raining, pouring so That in an instant all the fires were out. And the hot regions lay in smoke and doubt. Poor Cobbett had seen many a heavy shower. But till this rather inauspicious hour. He found he'd not the least idea at all How fast the rain could in some countries fall. Compared to this he thought that Noah's flood Was but a little puddle in the mud; For as the smoke went floating from below. He saw lakes sleeping and great rivers flow. Where late qinck flames were banqueting on souls. And nimble fiends cut capers in the coals. The rain was over — it did not extend To the observatory of our friend; DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 37 Still was he dry without and parched within; Indeed he felt like swallowing wine or gin, Brandy, or even whisky, if 'twere good, After the frights and troubles he'd withstood. All round below as far as he could see, Black devils dived and swam triumphantly; While it amused, it did astonish him To see the thirsty devils drink and swim. No sign of iire could now be seen below Save in one pit, whose red and sullen glow Caused Will, to shudder, for indeed 'twas plain This was the furnace for his friend Tom Paine. And this huge furnace with its frightful glare. Was right beneath our hero's swinging chair. He grabbled to it with convulsive grip Fearing he might incontinently slip. And land in hell by a mere accident, Before being properly consigned and sent. This was indeed a very fearful pit, With massive iron walls surrounding it. In looking down Will, saw what would appall The stoutest heart — he saw huge reptiles crawl In the hot fire — writhing and hissing in it! And knew that if he fell, in half a minute They'd pick his bones. But look! there fast asleep Lay the Arch Fiend, while frantic imps did leap With very joy ; with Cromwell on his hump, The fiend was getting many a kick and thump; But he it seemed was very hard to wake; For neither kick, nor thump nor savage shake Did he regard, and so with good intent, The kicks and thumps between his ribs were sent. Though Satan felt nor heeded not, yet still Each devil needs must kick him, and poor Will., As the mad furies kicked with all their might, Was pleased so that at last he laughed outright. Now Cromwell, rising, uttered a wild yell. Which quickly brought the myrmidons of hell About their master, who remarked : " At last Old Nick's asleep; and now let's chain him fast; Which we may do though I have doubts of it ; Then lower him gently in the Tom Paine pit. Which we will arch, and raise on top of that A mountain higher than Mount Ararat. If we succeed, farewell to fire and woe; Then these bright waters shall forever flow — Instead of burning we shall drink and swim. If we succeed in getting rid of him. Our cause is desperate, our condition bad ; This is the first chance we have ever had To free ourselves from hell and Satan's power, Which I propose to do this very hour. Ot our success, I have indeed some doubt; Though I believe Old Nick cannot dig out. If we pile up the mountain I propose. Before his heavy eyelids do unclose. And mewed up safely from the atmosphere, Why, even the Devil can't live a half a year. 38 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. There's chance of failure, but at any rate We can't intensify the Devil's hate, Nor bring more grief upon us at the worst. For \ve'\e had torture's acme from the first. Rebellion adds not strength to tyrant's chain, And but by it do slaves their freedom gain : Reforms are half way carried when begun ; And without venture there is nothing won. . On earth I stooped not to establish laws, And by bold venture was I what I was." THE DEVIL IN CHAINS. FRENCH METHOD OF FINISHING INCONVENIENT INDIVIDUALS. These brief remarks elicited loud cheers, Which luckily reached not the Devil's ears : And e\'ery one expressed his eagerness To do his utmost in a cause like this. Deceitful as he was, 'twas ascertained His sleep was real, and not merely feigned. The heaving belly and the heavy breath, Bespoke a stupor near allied to death. His limbs were loaded in a trice with chains. And hooped with bands of steel with careful pains, Just as they were prepared to put him in. The Frenchman who contrived the guillotine. So that machinery might facilitate French leave and severance from the cares of state, And then received his country's gratitude, " Which gave his neck to the machine for food, Proposed that he should be decapitated ; " Because," as he with force and reason stated, "No tyrant ever — (some might doubt and scoff) — Gave further trouble when his head was off." His doubt alludes to the belief, thought sound. That martyred blood cries ever from the ground ; In France they've laws prohibiting this cry. For there no man dares with his head on die ; He is responsible, alive or dead, Until the basket has received his head. Cromwell, who was not favorably impressed With these French notions, still believed it best To trim his sails to suit the popular breeze; He could not lead such furious hordes as these, Except by following (Avhen they took the bit). And giving rein without their knowing it. In this he did like politicians here. Who, while behind and lagging in the rear, Aftect to lead the masses, but are led. And led the more the more they seem ahead. The Frenchman seized his sharp and hea^■y axe. And gave the Devil's throat a dozen thwacks. But this fierce chopping of the Devil's neck Harmed it inuch less than the woodpecker's peck Harms the tough oak. The axe's edge Was battered duller than an iron wedge; DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 39 But the hard neck received no scratch nor scar, At which the Frenchman foamed and swore by gar, That any fiend was but a natural fool Who thouglit, b}' axe, or saw, or other tool, To make a mark upon such hide as that ; And gave it as his own opinion flat, That if the Devil ever really died, It would not be by puncture tlirough the hide. A life protected by malignant charm, A hide in\ulnerable to any harm. His thronging subjects eyed him as he lay, With looks of slaughter, but no power to slay. While thus the nonplused legions stood amazed. The usual uproar at the gate was raised That did occur whene'er a soul had quitted The world in sin, and came to be admitted; When instantly the blackened fiends did break To greet the new arrival, and to make The salutations and the shouts and jeers That always deafened a new-comer's ears. The Devil was abandoned as a bore. And thoughts of freedom troubled them no more. Thus crowds of men on deep afiairs intent, Oft, at some casual shout or incident. Resolve into a mob, and then enact What none of them approve in point of fact. ARRIVAL OF TOM PAINE. Scarce had the crowd collected when the gates Swung open by the order of the Fates; And frantic was the fiendish joy to find That Thomas Paine had left the world behind; Had done his little work in his small way. And come to his employer for his pay. Here, with a holy angel by his side. He stood half trembling, jet with conscious pride, "Where is your savage chief.'"' inquired the sprite; "This reprobate was smitten down to night; And I had orders to conduct hin^ here; His punishment cannot be too severe." And with these words the angel of the Lord Dissolved from view, while, with their own accord. The heavy gates of hell together swung. Leaving the doubting Thomas Paine among The hideous, uncouth, but delighted crew. Many of whom, somehow, he thought he knew. SUSPICION CONVICTION — TRANSFORMATION. Said he at last: "Is this the Spirit Land.? I cannot comprehend nor understand, As everything seems indistinct and gloomy. Exactly Avhat it is that's happened to me. If this" is hell, then I suppose I'm gone. But Where's the fire that preachers harp so on.' Where are the brimstone flames and the black smoke, Of which, 'tis said, the old apostles spoke.'" 40 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. And then addressing Cromwell, Thomas said, "Where is that roaring fiend of whom I've read? — That lowing bull — insatiate Beelzebub? Are you the Devil's self, sir, or his cub? I scarce can see, my sight is growing dim ; But you, I take it, are a inonster grim ; And yet you do deport yourself so civil I cannot think you really are the Devil. But you're, in fact, a frightful looking crew. I'd hate indeed to be like one of you; I'd hate to be like one of these or those. And have a tail and tusks and iron toes! The Bible mentions that you weep and wail. But does not speak, I think, about a tail. You've rivers here — the banks are broad and green, And brighter waters I have never seen ; But your black looks and this sulphurous smell Force me to think that you are imps of hell ; — Confirm me in the view I'm forced to take. That this is hell itself, and no mistake. And much I fear I'm doomed to dwell with you. And have a tail and tusks and talons, too. Suppose you have no fire — there's none I see — Still here is deep, excessive agony. To dwell in this dark and sulphurous region! — And revel with this horrid, horrid legion! Alas! alas! it is too late! — too late! I see, I feel, I realize my fate! Hark ! — O, it is the angels I hear sing Triumphant anthems to their glorious king. Alas, if I were in that heavenly throng; If I could join them in that joyous song; If I could now fall at the Saviour's feet; If I could pro;ncnade the gold-paved street; If I could wear a garment snowy white; If I could range the green fields of delight! But no, this cannot be! — O, never, never! — I'm banished, doomed, and damned, — forever — ever! How many a weary day and night I've s]>ent. Swift on my own and others' ruin bent. In Avriting that erroneous 'Age of Reason,' A shallow effort at the vilest treason Against the just and fixed laws of heaven. Alas, I cannot, cannot be forgiven! Alas, it is too late, too late for me! I enter here on hell. — Eternity! Appalling word! — O, thought of dreadful weight! O, heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy fate! But gods, scand by me! — See I've lost my shape! I've got a tail, a tail, like to an ape! — And horns — look at my horns! you devils look? Are you not apprehensive I may hook? I'm half a bull — were I town bull of hell, I think I should become the station well. And see! I've got great tusks and fearful claws — Think what I am — what might have been — what was ! " Thus Cobbett saw the friend he held so dear Changed to a fright — half varmint and half steer! DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 41 PAINE IN THE PIT THE DEVIL's FALL. And now poor puzzled Paine was roughly caught. The boiling, bubbling lead was quickly brought, " Remember, Thomas Paine the books you wrote ! " And the hot lead went hissing down his throat. A horned snake, with many heads, was then Forced in his mouth, and reached his vitals, w^ien He seized it by the tail with savage claws. And bit with all the vengeance of his jaws; But could not stop the snake, nor draw it back; When he grew iaint and sick, his hold did slack; The reptile crawled about his melt and liver; His head grew dizzy and his limbs did shiver, And in this state they dragged him to the pit. But at the first glimpse Avhich he got of it, He swooned outright — his sense and feeling fled; And the fiends cried, "He is deceased — he's dead; But 'tis no matter — pitch him o'er the grate; He shall burn in hell's fire, at anv rate. There, Paine, receive the wages of your sin ! " Thus saying, Tom was rudely tumbled in. But coming to, he roared with lusty shout, "O, you black devils, take me, take me out!" These urgent cries were seasoning to their mirth. They twitted him of deeds done in the earth. " O, Tom, my boy, you doubtless now forget The soul-destroying volumes that vou writ! Look upward, sir ! — ten thousand liere have read Your wicked books, and by them were misled. Your artful pen, you howling rogue, you know Has sent its tens of thousands down "below." "Be damned to you!" roared Paine, "and damn the books. Since they beget such grimaces and looks. Begone, you swine! and leave me to my fate; You have no love, and I despise your hate! I wish I could get up just now at you — I'd thrash the whole accursed and grinning crew. But these hot flames make me so sick and dizzy. And these infernal snakes keep me so busy In dodging round this hell-invented pit, To keep myself from getting badly bit, That I have not a minute's time to spare On you, you greenhorns, grinning at me there." Meantime, poor Paine was streaking it around His amphitlieatre, at every bound Crushing the toads — the snakes in hot pursuit — Greeted with deafening cheers and yells to boot. And Cobbett, though half dead, laughed out to see His whilom friend rush round so furiously- At last the snakes with generalship profound, Left a small force to race the rascal round, AVhile the main body ambushed on the track That he must travel on his mad way back. Poor Tom did not perceive this stratagem Till coming round he ran straisjht into them. 43 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. At this the devils raised the wildest yell That till this moment had been heard in hell. 'Twas loud enough to jar tlie Devil's brains, So that he woke and found himself in chains. But to snap these required not half a minute; And rising, he rushed to the pit, and in it Beheld his victim; and as thus he stood, He cried, "Aha ! my Thomas Paine ! — that's good ! Like you the snakes with whicli you writhe and twist! O, how I'd like to beat you with my fist! If I were in the pit, you rogue, with you, I'd maul you till even hell itself were" blue! " While thus old Satan o'er the wall was bent. Some devil with the very best intent, Tripped up his heels; and then as quick as thought, The Devils claws sprang out and clutched at naught; And thus midst yells and hoarse demoniac peals, In went the indignant Devil, neck and heels! BATTLE BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND TOM PAINE. FROM AN EYE-WITNESS. As Satan fell he raised a vigorous shout; Roared he, " Tom Paine, now you may well look out ! Because for this absurd and cruel fall, I'll murder you, snakes, toads, and devils — all!'' Paine could but smile, but 'twas a sickly grin, When Satan tumbled thus abruptly in. 'Twas hard for him with the small snakes to fight. While a huge one was swallowing him outright. He felt himself drawn backward, and still going Down the snake's throat and where there was no knowing. While the small snakes and toads he so much feared, Ate him by inches as he disappeared. No wonder then, his smile was but a grin When Satan fell, and stove his head fast in A lucky crevice in the floor of rock; And though right smartly worsted by the shock, Was more enraged, and bellowed, roared and bawled, So that the snakes and toads slunk oft" appalled; And the big one that had half swallowed Paine, Reversed his throat and threw him up again. Now Paine, though once a brave and gallant man. On being puked up, incontinently ran ; But seeing Satan still fast sticking there. And knowing well that on a footing fair. With his Herculean foe he could not cope; And further, feeling he had naught to hope, Thought it was best for hiin to take the start. And so he charged on Satan's hinder part With all his force, and rushing in pell-mell. He did maltreat and thump the Devil well. At this assault, so suddenly, fiercely made, The devils cheered and yelled, " Be not afraid ! Go for him, Tom ! " they whooped with wildest joy, " If you can kill or cripple the ' Old Boy,' DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 43 You shall succeed that moment to his throne, And call his kingdom and the earth your own." When Tom's quick ear these welcome words had caught, With furious energy he fiercely fought, And Satan roared and did his uttermost To injure and demoralize this ghost. At last the Devil's head came from the crack, But from a surge that threw him on his bac'K.; When in an instant Paine lit on his chest, And then each monster did his worst and best. With fist, and claw, and tooth, and tail, and toe Each devil dived and digged into his foe. The big snakes blowed, and the flat toads did blink. While small snakes hissed, but knew not what to think. The mad spectators cheered with deafening cheers. While Cobbett wiped away the sweat and tears, And hoped and prayed that Tom would win the fight. While devils shouted with their utmost might — "Another blow like that! — Hurra for Paine! — O, that is beautiful ! — Hit him again ! — He has no friends! — He has no friends down here! — Hurra for Tom! — Ten thousand on the steer! — Gouge Tom! — Tom kick! — Tom choke! — Tom hook! — Tom bite! — Gouge out his eyes! — Tom, hold his weasand tight! — Knock out his shoulder! — There! — Unhinge the other! — He's breathing thick! — By all the gods, he'll smother! — Be active, Tom! — Mash his potato trap! — Hurra! — By Jupiter, tliat brings the sap! — Cave in his head! — Carve up his ugly mug! — Why Tom's a skilled, a scientific plug! — He staggers! — See! — He's sick!— The Devil is sick! — Now Tom's you time ! — Be cautious ! — Tom, be quick ! — Now smash liis smeller! — Flat his big red snout! — Hurra! — Well done! — Hurra — His eye is out! — Gouge out the other! — There! — Hang to him yet! — Now Tom! — Now Tom! — Hurra! — That's it! — That's it! — 'Tis out ! — Both eyes are out ! — He cannot see ! — Bully for Paine! — Whoop! — Whoop! — We're free! — We're free! — Three cheers for Paine!" — '■'■ Thrrr cheers!'''' Will. Cobbett cried,. But at that very instant he espied The heavenly angel hovering near his head ; Siie merely- touched the cords, and then like lead Poor Will, went down — down — down — the cords were broke — And with a bound, a shriek, a yell, he woke. 44 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. ARGO AND IRENE. PERSONS REPRESENTED. Argo, ei Poet an(l A iithor. Irene. Magoon, an old man o/ low habits^ but Mother to Irene. very rich., and without heirs. Sam, servant to Irene {Colored). A Publisher. Dr. Slash. A Literary Critic. Dr. Spanker. A Lawyer. Dr. Smick. Two Old Ladies. ' Dr. Slabbs. A Farmer. Dr. Abram Turner {Colored'), Tubes. Friends and Attendants. ACT I. Scene I. — A lady's room. Irene seated at a table. Enter Sam, 'Mith letters. Sam. I hab yoiih letters, Miss Irene. You gets a heap ob lub let- ters, but you is a lublj joung lady. You is de lubliest ob de lubly and de sweetest ob de sweetly'. Irene. Why, what insolence! Sam. Insolence.^ Ireite. Yes, insolence, you black scamp! Sam. Black scamp? Look a heah, miss; Ize a gemman, if I is culled! Irene. You a gentleman! Ain't you a nigger.' Sam. Niggah! niggah, miss! dar be no niggahs now. True nufil", Ize culled, but Ize no niggah. Ize a gemman od cullah. Massa Linkum wiped out de stigma ob niggah. Ize de ekal ob de white man in 'spec- tability and 'telligence. Irene. Yes .'' Sam. Yes, miss, I is ; de law gibs me ekality before it and behind it, and Ize gwine lo hab my rights. I admires youh beauty, bad as you treats me, and I hab a right to 'spress my feelins if I is culled and is youh servant. Niggah, to be shuah ! Irene. Well, well, Sam, I'm not going to fall out with you. See if my mother doesn't want you below. Sam. All right, miss ; Ize not mad. I jes wanted to show j'ou dat 1 hab de spirit ob a man, if I is culled, and dat I is a warm 'mirer ob de female sec, ob whom you is de perfection dareof. \Exit. Irene. Alas, what have we come to in tliis country. When all the servants think themselves the equals Of those whom they do serve. Can we raise them To our refinement and intelligence .'' Or will wc rather, by the force of habits. Through constant commerce with the serving class, Sink to their level.' But this sooty fellow Admires my beauty ; in his amorous eye \^I.ooks in a glass~\ There lives a critic who doth say: She's pretty. And compliments unto a woman's beauty Are sweet to the possessor of that beauty Nor can she wholly hate the man who pays them, Though he were seven times black. \Opens a letter and rcads.\ DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 45 TO MY HEART S IDOL. How slight a circumstance may blast The blossoms the young heart puts forth, And tender buds of hope — how fast They fall in frosts of frigid north. This morn our wishes are in flower, Amid the golden harvest sheaves, But ere the noon come blight and shower, And we have but the wilted leaves. O, heart of lover, doubting still, And never peaceful and at rest, But ever wooing omens ill To weigh upon the weary breast. O, there are moments when the heart, The lover's quick barometer, Doth feel the death ere 3'et the dart Hath left the string whence it doth whir. Argc). Alack, what means this riddle.' how is this.? Doth he spy out the evils that await him.' By intuition hath his fruitful mind Some dread lorebodement. O, there is a sadness — An air of plaintive wailing in his song That falls like funeral dirge. It breaks my heart. I who do love him, but must still betray him, Do feel the force of his great spirit more, The farther I go from him. \^Ope7is another letter atid reads. \ Dear Duck : I have just returned from Europe, and shall call upon you to-day. I am glad you have kept the afl:air between us so quiet that the quid-nuncs haven't got wind of it. Have a kiss of welcome for me, love. Have a kiss for me. Have one, two, three; I have scores for thee. And will spend them as free As the waters that run. There, Duck, that is the first poetry I ever put upon paper, and here I am fifty-nine years of age last Wednesday. Thine eternally, M. Magoon, Major. [TJiroivs all the letters pettishly astde.\ But fifty-nine on Wednesday. O, how sad To see the old man fighting oft" his years, And faded dames in the decline of life, With artificial teeth and withered limbs. In gay attire and sallow cheek in paint, Still aping youth and keeping time at bay, \ Forswearing half the 3'ears that speak against them, And yielding, when compelled to, Avithout grace. To the behests of age! O, this is pitiable! But still poor human nature may be pardoned. For lovely is our youth, our age decrepit; And not till youth hath slipped away and left us, And age, with ache and blindness and white hairs, 46 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Doth creep upon us, do we value youth. No wonder then that the old man should strive To keep away the years, and sweat and tug With every faculty that flags or fails him, To worry or to woo it to performance. As in the flower of youth. Enter Mother. Mother. I have good news, daughter. A note from Major Magoon informs me of his safe return from abroad, and that he will presently call upon us. Irene. I have his autograph ; he tells me here That he will call and claim me for his wife; And he hath written me a pretty song; For loving me hath made him court the muses; And I intend to set the song to music And play it to the fiddle at the wedding. And by the murmuring brook beneath the willows. Mother. Now, Irene, I would! But I am glad to see you are recon- ciled to the match. Give me the Major's song. \Reads //.] A pretty song, I do declare. It is quite equal to any of the mad poet's produc- tions. When you are Mrs. Magoon we shall be enabled to regain our lost position in society. It will be a splendid match. You will be envied by the entire tribe of marriageable ladies in the city. The Major's great wealth will put us in a position to retnrn with interest the many slights that have been shown us since your father's bankruptcy and death. He is really a good-hearted, jolly old gentleman, and will keep you from despondency ; and then if you should lose him in a few years, you will have his wealth. He has no heirs, and proposes to will all to you before the marriage. Irene. But, mother, bears he not a naughty name.'' They say he is the patron of light women, And thinks the best of us but little better Than those with whom he herds. Hath he not mistresses.? Mother. Well, what of that! He is not worse than most men on that score. Irene. I've seen tobacco juice upon his beard; He tipples and he smokes incessantly ; Some say he snores that sleepers wake in fright, Thinking the roof being from the rafters ripped; And that he tugs with nightmares in his sleep, Gurgling and groaning in the dead of night, That passing strangers beat upon his doors. In horrid apprehension that within Red murder hath some victim on the rack; He's great of entrails, and is gluttonous; His walk's a waddle as you are aware; He's old, and peevish with the aches of age; Bootmakers, tailors, hatters, barbers fail To trim four hundred pounds of pork like this, So it pass current for a gentleman : He is all animal ; his appetites Are gross and sensual : O, how can I wive With such a man as he! Mother. Nonsense, daughter! Do not think of these things. You can conquer his appetites. He is but mortal man. Refuse him if you will, but onl}' your marriage with him will save us from beggary. I wish myself there were some other deliverance for us, but there is none. O, what is to become of us! DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 47 Irene. Do not despair, dear mother; now suppose I sell myself to this old man? — what then? What will become of Argo and of you? Argo will suicide, and can you hope As mother-in-law to lead a happy life With such a son-in-law? Will not his wassail — His retinue of riotous old men, with daily feast And nightly drinking bout, make you distract. Even if he give you shelter? Mother. Not so fast, girl. The Major agrees to inake a settlement upon me before the marriage. I shall have a home and be independent. As for Argo, the young man is muddled in his wits, and is so regarded; and his prospects are so poor that it matters little what he does or thinks. Irene. But, mother, he has genius; it will tell; Like murder, it will out; it will be heard from. Mother. It will out at the elbows; and be heard from the poorhouse, the madhouse and the pauper's grave. Genius, my dear, is of mighty little account in this matter-of-fact age. There was excuse for genius in the days of Shakespeare and Byron ; not that even they made anybody better or happier; but people were not then totally absorbed in the routine of fashion and money-making; and the poets served to amuse the wealthy and indolent classes. We have had quite enough of genius. It brings no advantages to its possessor, and very little to the world; and, as a rule, it is so provokingly allied to poverty that sensible folks generally shun people of genius as they do a pestilence. There is nothing, my dear, that can bring us true happiness but wealth and social position; and wealth is the only sure passport to social position. Irene. Well, mother, have your way; I am resigned; You shall not live in poverty and want While I have wares for sale. But my poor heart Is with the spring time buds, not with the leaves Of sere and bleak November. O, farewell To the sweet dreams of girlhood's guileless hours! I yield to fate which no one may dety ; ■ Come any fortune ; see ! I am as wax ; The merest child can mould me. Mother. Really, child, I see nothing to invite despondency. The cards of fortune are running in your favor. Irene. I will lend you my fortune, mother; if You'll take the fat man with his money bags, I tender them to you. Mother. He is an epicure, my child. He will diet upon spring chick- ens. But I must away and put the house in order for his reception. \Exit Mother. Irene. And this it is to be a woman ; this Is inoney's power to purchase; I am sold; Sold to the high-est bidder, like a slave. For uses worser and more loathed to me. Than e'er were stripes and drudgery to the slave In any age or clime. Not so with boys : I never knew one bartered oft", or bought For a bed-fellow to a dame of eighty. O, curse of sex! why were not I a boy. That I might tease the pretty girls nor mate With rheumatis and wrinkles, gout and age, Due at the graveyard any day in the week ! My sexuality is merchandise; 'tis stock. Quotable on 'change; it hath its fluctuations — 48 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Its rises and its falls in open market; Depending on the greeds or whims of men, And their ability to buy and carry The coveted cominodity : O, yes ! And it is ratable like grain or pork: As this is prime; this number one; this family, Or common mereh' ; she will make a wife, A fine machine to manufacture children, And be a patient drudge till old and ugly, And then be ousted from the family hearth, Because, forsooth, her owner sees in inarket A fresher piece of. goods. There goes another, With furbelow and filigree and floss; With jaunty hat, and haughty eye and air: She is in market for the highest figure. And straight the bulls and bears are in commotion. Her price is fixed; she rates with Flora Temple, Or any other fine two-fifteen nag: While here another in plain gait and gown. May own a gentler heart and finer form. And not fetch fifteen cents. Such is the power Of tress and trapping, wriggling gait and giggle, To whet the appetite and warp the judgment Of our pursuers; whom if we deceive, (And to deceive them is the chiefest pleasure Of more than half our sex,) it is not worse Than they deserve, nor worse than they do us. Like many others, I'm so poor and starved That I must force my goods upon the market. And sell them in a private shameful way. Or in an open way almost as shameful. Which has the sanction of society. I would sell cheap if I might choose the buyer. And be his slave while he enjoyed the purchase. But how I prattle, knowing I ain sold By my good mother for the ready money. And that I love and pit}- her so much That I shall ratify the sale to-morrow. And gossips Avill declare I've brought enough ; O, there is not a tongue in all the land. But it will wag and say : she sold herself: She is well sold: he is too good for her; It was his inoney, not himself she married; If he should cut her oft" without a cent He'd serve her right, the proud and heartless flirt, Who by her arts won the poor, weak old man ! Thus will they scan me. But this is a play. Myself am the chief actor; we shall see The end when it arrives ; chance will work out What destiny has fixed. My mother says, In course of nature the old man must die; But he may hold out longer yet than I ; She further hints if I can understand, That certain goods sell well at second hand. Would Argo deck his boudoir with a flower, Whose sweets had wasted in another's bower.'' DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 49 Enter Sam. Sam. De crazj^ young man dat rolls his eye at de moon and talks to hisself desires to see de angelic young lady ob de house, as he 'spresses it. Lod! I wish I was dat young man, crazy as he is! Irene. Show him up, Sam, but bid him wait a little; I must have leisure to compose myself. Sam. Thank you. Miss Irene. I will retard him till you exposes youhself. I will entertain de young gemman wid some new heretical theories on particular 'conomy. Dey rignated in dis brain, which is de fust culled brain dat ebber abtiuscated a highlysophical 'say on a absurd science. Irene. O, he will be delighted with you, no doubt. \^Exit Sam. Ye ministers of evil that diffuse Your poisonous breath in mortal atmospheres. And you fell powers that prompt unhallowed purpose, And brew injustice, cruelty and wrong. If in your sightless substances 3'ou see me. And hear my invocation, come to me. And fill me quickly to the finger tips With 3'our malevolent and baleful natures. Suppress and sear emotion, and seal up The sources of love, pity, shame, remorse, And fill me with hypocrisy to the toes. So I may look and act and seem the saint, And be the devil I am. My woman's bosom Fill full to bursting with abhorred deceit, So I acquit me in the cruel role Which my fell spirit has resolved to act. Being tortured to extreme. That man who smiles And stabs 3'ou while he shakes your friendly hand, Is as a cherubim compared to me. Who must strike down the man I idolize, Nor give him reasons, nor a chance to plead. Ay, there's the point; if he knew all, saw all. If I could tell him half he might excuse me, Or hate me something less. But no, no, no! The raven's creaking voice must croak no warning Until the lightning shivers down his castles, And he is whelmed in ruin ! Here he comes. Enter Argo. Argo. The spirits that inhabit peaceful homes Rest in this house! How fares my love to-day.' Irene. I am well and yet am ill. How is't with you? Argo. Quite ^vell in body, but depressed in mind. I have not found a market for my Avares, And now begin to think them valueless ; My tales and poems sleep in manuscript. For lack of name to give them currency, Or gold to buy the critics. Art thou ill.' Irene. I was; but now that you are here with me, There's healing in the air and I am well ; I wish you could remain a hundred years. Argo. I wish I could, and when I win a name. Or any little fortune, I will bring it And give it alLthee. Irene. f Live coals of fire! [Av/rfe.] These wordsyare cruel, Argo, and denote 4 50 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. The presence of the mystic messenger, That sometimes gives the soul presentiment Of viewless evils hedging it about. The mewling calf from teeming udder torn Uplifts its frighted voice as if it saw- In vacant air the gleaming butcher knives Whet thin and sharp to shed its little blood. Argo. I could not say a cruel word to thee. Irene. And yet the -words of kindness are more cruel, To him whose heart doth harbor crueltv, Than bitter words of hate. The helpless babe, Lain by the cruel hand of hapless mother Upon the stranger's sill, that smiling sleeps, As she abandons it, doth reach her Ijosom, By its confiding trust, and touch and wring it When struggle and acclaim would fail to mo\'e Her cruel heart to pity. Dagger points Ride on your loving words, and find a lodgment, Each dagger in my bosom, although invisible And all unknown to you. Argo. Then let me know — make me to see them, lady, That I may turn their points upon myself If I unwittingly have given thee pain. The spacious globe cannot aftbrd a pleasure, Till I atone for it. Some heavy cloud Hath cast its shadow o'er my lady's brow. For her fair features wear a somber hue, Like nature's in a summer sun's eclipse; And gloomy resolution seems to settle Upon her lips where smiles were wont to play; Her voice is solemn, as in benediction, And speaks in similes that breathe of sorrow. If thy young life is bowed with any trouble, Not known to me, that knowing I may cm-e, O, speak and let me know it, that as swift As turtle's wing, or message over wire. Or woman's prayer to ascend, my willing soul May speed to thy relief. Irene. I nurse a trouble. Which but for sickly troubles not my own. Would vanish like a nightmare at the touch Of friendly finger on the imprisoned brow : B\- nursing one I kept a score at bay. That howl like hungry wolves, and threaten points That I, for weighty reasons, must defend. Duty, when it o'ermastereth desire, Leaves quiet conscience in the aching heart. And angel wings to fan the saddened brow- That sorrows o'er the death of tender hopes. 'Tis better to endure than to inflict, When duty makes endurance laudable. I am a novice, yet cast ibr a part Almost too heavy for a veteran actor; A part as lar from my true nature as Great Mars is from the earth. Argo. My lady speaks in riddles that confound ; I have no clue nor key to her enigmas. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 51 Irene. All things are riddles — all the world's a riddle, And all the people in it mere enigmas: Existence in its various Ibrins and phases, From microscopic midge to mastodon — From minnows to the monsters of the deep — From burrowing moles to eagles in the clouds, Through all the range of being — all is riddle: Even thought, perception, memory, are enigmas — The globe itself and all the whirling planets — The mighty sun — the merest drop of water — Are mysteries — puzzles that confound the sense And mock the understanding. All we know — All we can comprehend of" anything. Is that we cannot comprehend it, and That all is mystery, puzzle, doubt, enigma. The powers that shape events do write in riddles, And signal us in omens and in dreams. And say in circumstance thought accidental A sermon every hour. Our minds are woven From threads pervading space in all directions. And interlaced, like webs of curious spiders. With every substance having shape or motion ; So any danger or disturbing force That moves toward us agitatcvs the mesh, And sends us trills of warning, could we read them. Do you believe in dreams.^ Argo. I hardly know. There are a kind of dreams that puzzle me: In that condition known as sleep, wherein The brain recruits its nourishment for the soul, The soul itself seems free to wander off To other realms, retaining still by threads As frail as gossamer, connection with the brain. And spanning the bounds of temporal and eternal. The mysti-ries of both unveiled, it reads the future, And sees as clearly, haps to come to-morrow. As we can see them after thev arrive. But there is an entanglement attending Conveyance of this knowledge to our senses. After the soul returns and we awake. It gives us glimmerings — whisperings of its walks; Fragmentary pictures of dissolving scenes; Of gala days and ravishing delights; Of fame, of triumph, glittering wealth achieved, Or of reverses, pains, imprisonment; Failure, misfortune, loss of home and friends: But the recital is befogged and clouded; Confused, perplexed — although at times so vivid, That we are shaken with presentiment, And quake with mortal fear. Either the soul lacks power, Or else it is forbidden to impress Upon the brain, distinct to wakened memory, Retainable and readable, the revelations, The secrets and the mysteries unveiled to it While it is roving in the spirit realm And we lie dead in sleep; hence dreams are shadows, Whose substances elude and mock our senses. Sleep! mystery mdefinable! Curious dreams' 52 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Tangled and inexplicable webs connecting Our mortal with the immortal. There be dreams That bode like howling dogs or crowing hens: To dream of tire — to dream of skulking naked; — Of eggs, of meats, of fish, of silver coins; Of sailing ships or coasting on the waters; Are bodements of contusion, like the croaking Of rookery kites and night crows on the coming Of crashing storm and tempest. Irene. From misty ages, sayings, signs and omens, Come down to us, clad in antiquity ; Our great grand dams, and theirs, and theirs, and theirs, Put faith in them, and conned them like their beads. Do you regard these signs.'' Afoo. Well, no; and yes; Involuntarily I always turn To greet the new moon over my right shoulder; Begun in jest it has become a custom. So apt are jests at times to end in earnest: — Yet I ain joking; still I am imbued With apprehensions if it happens that The paley planet peeps at me through brush. Or greets me over the left, on re-appearing, To run her monthly cj'cle round the earth. Last night while strolling in the cemetery. And holding converse with the eloquent dead, I paused beneath an ancient willow tree, That drooped in mourning o'er a new-made grave; And there by accident I caught a glimpse Of gentle Luna's silvery crescent, through The somber foliage of this solemn willow. On which in her faint Irght the dewdrops glistened Like tears on cheeks of matrons clad in mourning. And mutely weeping some great mutual sorrow. Prav do not smile, but this slight circumstance Doth weigh upon rae like an incubus, Filling me with forebodings of some trouble Of more than common blight. Irene. Then you will not be taken by surprise. Though shots may come from quarters least suspect Of harboring hidden foes. Had I the right I would be with you and shield you from danger In these mv loving arms. Pride makes us slaves, And drives us from the fruits and flowers of summer, To starve in deserts and in discontent. Argo. Thou art a woman — say what we should do; A woman's instinct is worth more than proofs, Though sworn in open court. Irene. Some would have married And sought their fortunes after. Aroo. Not so I : Though thou art prescious as the sense of sight, I will prepare a cage to hold my bird Before I trap tiie bird. And more than this : There is no person worthy such a being; Thou art so delicate in all thy tastes; So pure of thought, so winning in thy ways; So strangely fascinating are thy smiles; DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 53 And so bewildering are thy many beavities, That tongue cannot describe, that it were sin To blast thy bloom with marital debauch. 'Tis not that I would marry thee, Irene; I would not smelt the coarse refuse that forms This uncouth, graceless piece of mechanism. With the fine essences that enter in The precious compound of thy perfect person. O, no, I would not join this frame of mine, Composed of boils, carbuncles and corruption. To the fine, incorruptible qualities, That tbrm the person of my sweet Irene. I'ln but a inan — thou art an angel pure. Bright as the stars, fair as a May -day morn — Canst thou be mortal.^- — thou must hail from heaven. For every element combined in thee Is the quintessence of divinity. Hence it were incongruity too gross For us to wed. Irene. O, Argo, you are mad. I fear you deem us but as butterflies, And love us mosth^ for our pretty wings, That please your eager sight. Know, gentle youth,. That our exterior charms hide imperfections. Which like the butterfly's ephemeral wings. Expire with the brief summer of our youth, And leave exposed the loathed worm beneath. Whose sight doth sicken till men turn away And wonder why they loved. Argo. I wonder why Men sometiines doubt that woman is perfection : I'd rather perish than think her imperfect; And if the angels have some shape not hers, Heaven will lack charms for me : In her unite All beauties found in nature: hath she faults They're stamped on her by man. I am not niad, Or if I be it is so sweet a madness. This darling estiinate I have of woman, That I will nurse it to my dying day. Irene. This sacred reverence for the weaker sex If it were general would ennoble man. And stimulate poor woman to deserve The homage tendered her, whose elevation Is the advance of all : Man's noblest work Is to ennoble woman. Argo. So I think; And as a wanderer in some floral hall. Who loves the floral kingdom as a w hole, May yet select some special, perfumed flower. To concentrate his loving wonder on : So I who worship each, all, every woman, Do yet select thee from the gorgeous throng, For my particular tulip, rosebud, lily. To wear within mv bosom: or, like one Who, gazing in heaven's star-bejew-eled vault. Selects some special twinkler to affix His wondering eyes on more particularly, While charmed with the bright galaxv in general; 54 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. So choose I thee, and while admiring all, Mj love for thee is speciality ; It is m V trade — my occupation — aim — I have no other business. Irene. But is this, love not tempered with hot blood.'' Wilt thou still love me when mj personal charms, Like blasted rose-leaves, fall off one by one, And wither in the winters of Wiy age? Argo. Not with so wild a love. Love in our youth Is a delicious madness ; but in age It is a reasoning, reverential love; And graces of the mind rise up to smooth The wrinkles of old age : thus love in age Makes up in purity and holiness What it may lack in heat. O, I shall love thee Away to dateless death; and I will wed thee And keep thee but to look at, deeming thee A piece of ware too fine for mortal use. Or vulgar eyes to look on ; I could stand And guard thy untouched innocence through life; Such is my love. O, could I lure thee off To some lone island in the trackless sea, Securely hidden in some southern clime. Where eve of man could never spv us out; Where summer blooms eternal, and where flowers And gaudy birds make glad the orange groves, Where ripening fruits and rippling waters tempt , The eye and appetite — such wilderness. With thee, were wealth enough. No, no, I would not wed thee, gentle girl ! And doom thee to a life that, stripped of gloss, Ideal freedom, feigned supremacy. High-sounding title and most flimsy tinsel, That hide the chafing fetters underneath, Is but captivity and servitude. Wherein the wife buys with her toil and care The coldest corner on the family hearth. Why, the black wench, doomed to the cotton fields, Dared to deny the lustiul o\-erseer Possession of her body : Your supervisor Will not be put oft' thus; he has the law; And his perquisites and prerogatives You may not safely question. What but pain. Wasting disease, wan cheeks and spirits broken. Are the attendants on the average wife.^ Who midst child-bearing — -rearing — making — mending; Administering to her husband's needs or whims. Plods onward hourly, daily, monthly, yearly, With scarce a moment that makes no demand Upon her failing strength; — plods onward thus Toward death's dismal vault: in which at last. Bowed down and wrinkled — worn to the very bones, The poor remains of one erewhile quite lovely, Are laid away to rest. No, no, my girl. Though youth's hot blood run riot in my veins, , And passion's appetites gnaw at my nerves. Would I, not even in wedlock, which invites And makes respectable the shameful practice. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Assuage those hungry heats and appetites, By feeding them on otto ol" the roses, — Whence spring the chief intirmities that wait On gentle woman's Hfe : I nurse a hoHer And more exalted love; — a love that falls As softly as the welcome rains of April Upon the early flowers; — falls thus as genth- Upon the object loved; — awakening its sweets. And not with rudeness robbing it of odor. Irene. Then would you have me as a spirit-bride.' Coming as man to one endowed as woman. Would you ignore our earthly attributes, And with our spirits still materialized. But having affinities that find their likes As lightning its conductors, set up here A heaven of our own .'' Ars^o. Such is my hope. But we must marry as the custom is; For custom hath its laws and usages, Whereby two fools are kneaded into one — Beaten and brayed in matrimonial mortar, Without regard to incompatibles. That mix as mincingly as oil and water, Or tastes as sundered as the antipodes, — Most holy marriage! — oftentimes mis-matching. But still 'infolliblc as late in filling Our towns, our poorhouses, our prisons. With misbegotten simpletons and knaves. O, we will marry, but not as many do: Not with the appetites that whet their loves; The spur that goads the common herd to marriage. Will we commingle in connubial life; But with a chasteness delicate and pretty As cooing courtship of contented doves: Our chaste desires, like harp-strings sweetly tuned, Whose every tone melts softly into others. And these in others, swelling in grand accord, And ravishing the ear with heavenly sounds. Of soulful symphony: — so shall our loves — So shall our tastes, attuned in sweet accord, On contact coalesce, like globes of mercury. And make of many one. Irene. This is too fiowery, Argo; it were like The amours of the angels; we are here Upon a lower plane, and must plav out Life's di-ama after nature. I do fear That your sensations and fine sentiments Rise yet in youthful blood. I am but woman ; And vou are ravished with my woman's charms; 'Tis not the spirit in mine eves you love. But the soft eyes themselves. Argo. What are those eyes but windows for thy soul.^ And prettv shutters are those lilv lids.' Whose severed fringes send the spirit forth To set its charms upon the countenance. That men who see it playing in the features, Fall sick of love and dizzy with desire. O, woman's face is a sweet piece of music; — 'Tis heaven's own viol, daintilv attuned. 56 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. On which the immortal soul within her plays Its ravishing endearments, to bewilder And wonder-strike the world. I am enainored Less with thy manifold and matchless beauties, Than with the soul that lurketh in those beauties. And gives me earnest of its attributes, By the delectable and dainty colors It paints upon thy cheeks. Irene. Whate'er you love me for I know you love me, And I love you for loving me so well; — For reasons, too, as plentiful and pretty As summer birds that fill the groves with song, Which while it charms defies analysis. And love like ours, once rooted in the soul. Lives like the ivy, though the tree may die Round which it twines its tendrils; storm and frost May sere its leaflets, but its lease of life Extends beyond the winter of our years Into the spring and summer time of heaven: Hearts thus united are not lightly severed : Detraction, clamor, disappointment — doubt — Delay, estrangement, nor divergent paths Can shake the trust of the true heart that lo\es : The pilgrim's eye, bent on us hoi}' shrine, Dwells not more fixedly and firmly there Than true love dwells upon its own beloved, — In sleeping, waking, resting, or at labor; Or sundered as the east is from the west; Or wrapped in storm and fog, like ships at sea; True love, like the true needle's point, will veer. And trembling, turn to its attracting star. The haven of its hope. Ars!'o. My love is fired with charming inspiration ; She doth forestall and rob me of expression ; She paints my very thoughts in brilliant colors, And sets my sentiments in similes That grace them as do golden picture frames ' The inellow tints of pictures. Irene. Death in its visitations culls the best; The gentlest, fairest, truest, earliest fall ; And so the gods upon the tenderest loves Aftix the earliest blight. Blind disappointments Swarm in the heart-cells with the holiest love. Like bats in caves where precious ore is hid. Unmindful of its presence. Ari^o. More enigmas. What would my lady have ine understand By these abrupt allusions.'' Irene. That our love. Having demands so greatly in excess Of our poor possibilities to answer, May meet with crushing crosses, and that we Must be prepared to meet them. Atii'o. All will go well If we wait patiently the happy hour When we may prudently unite our fortunes. Irene. Then till that happ\, happy hoin- arrives. You still will be my something more than tViend, No matter what may happen.'' DRAMAS AND iMISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 57 Arffo. Ay, more than friend — some fifteen times thy lover. Nor less than husband in all gracious office. I will be multiplied by forty thousand, And troop about thee like a \eteran army About a conquering general. Doubt me not: When I prove laggard in my fond attentions, Then look for general famine and disaster: And when thou find'st me false, look for eclipses, For stars to strike and craters to break forth, And bellowing thunders underneath the globe; And for the moon to draw the ocean up. That dry land disappear! O, never doubt me, . For I am thine clear through, and filled to the brim, With love that eats all other passions in me, As acidi nitrici eats up brass, And leaves pure gold untouched. Irc7ie. Then should mv honor ever be assailed, As if the gossips should say: She is proud; Or she is fickle; she is false at heart; You would defend me, Argo.' Argo. I ! — would I ! Why, I would fight for thee on fifty streets; I would rush naked-handed on a thousand. If one in that whole thousand gave a thousandth — x\y, one ten-thousandth part of an allusion To possible fault or fickleness in thee! Let any slander come within my gripe! — Him I'll eviscerate — hogs will I feed Upon the ofial of that man on sight, While he looks on and howls. Irene. Then make your name and fortune in a hurrv ; And when you bring them with your mind unchanged, I will accept them and we then will wed. Argo. And not till then. Farewell; the word is said. \^E\it Argo. Irene. O, woe is me! O earth, flv fi-om vour orbit, And full away some billion miles to the north. Out of the range of heat and light and air; And be like me, a dead and frozen star. Lost in perpetual night; or open wide, And make a yawning chasm, deep as hell. And topple me down from the frightful brink. Clear to the inky bottom, where are brewed The sulphur fumes that sufibcate the damned! Then close tlie crevice that there be no trace Of the huge gap that swallowed me alive. And then, O earth, that opes my way to death ; Bear not upon thy bosom any mark Or footprint made by me; let blind oblivion And blank forgetfulness suppress the name Of one erewhile so wretched; — forced, as 'twere. To play at treason; — and yet tied to the track Almost bv my own hands, the thundering train Just rounding yonder curve: still there is time; And I may yet unloose the cords and live. But that were playing treason north by east. And I am bound to pla^■ it west by south. I am resolved. What kind of person am I.' Methinks I must be some rare sort of villain. 58 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. And not the hapless maiden, whehiied in woe : Else why not true to nature and to love? Ay, there's the question : — I am true to both, And yet am false to each. My loves run counter — They clash, and one must die, or I must die. And thus end all with benefit to none. I must be villain to myself and lover. Or else crush out the life that gave me life. And with it peace! O, dread alternative! My lover is no ordinary being; He is an emperor in mien and manner; He hath the several graces of the gods. And intellectually he is a giant Amongst his fellow men. The proudest empress Might be too proud of him. And I must lose him! And in his place must take a ton of tallow; A tierce of lard, a waslitub full of offal; With pipes, tobacco, whisky ! — all topped off With some two million dollars! Still I ask What sort of girl am 1 .' I have suspicion That I was cut out for a cautious rogue. And not much spoilt in making. Mean I well.'' This is a question for my heart to answer, And half of it says, no! My lover's thoughts Go forth for virtues as the honey bees Go forth for early flowers ; while mine, I fear, Take more delight in fishing down in hell For treason, falsehood and black -faced deceit. [Exit. Scene II. — A room. Enter Mother. Mother. Close me these doors. Let me commune alone. Soul must not know the secrets of this heart: If they were hissed in any ears but Satan's Those ears would burst like goblets suddenly heated. The cautious have no confidants; none know The secret workings of the prudent mind. They say that women cannot keep a secret. And that foul murder cannot be concealed; But secrets that concern the woman keeper Are locked as safely in her bosom as The secrets of the earth aie locked down in The center of the globe; and many a murder Lies hid and will until the crack of doom. Speak I of murder.'' — a church-going saint — Noted for piety — with heart as tender As those of nursing lambs, or turtle-doves — Much given to prayer — to visiting the sick — To giving alms! Ay, ay! but I can murder! I can imbrue Tc\y hands in blood as coolly As any pirate! Ay, I know it, ieel it. And my religious life affords a cloak. Concealed in which I may securely strike, Nor draw suspicion after If I fail It is but ignominy and death, less dreadful Than living poverty. But I'll not fail ; And so I strike; so clutch the glittering prize. I have read deep in poisons ; three small grains, Inodorous, tasteless, potent little grains, DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 59 Placed in his posset when far gone in drink, Will entertain his stomach with such pangs, As shall divert the lechery from his liver. O, he shall have my child, but never, never, Shall he lie down with her; the man she loves Shall have her as she is, if the hot fool Does not go crazy and destroy himself; And he will not, for I observe that ranters Rarely go to extremes except in ranting. There is more danger in that rash, mad girl, But I will watch her. Little dreams she now That I am planning to risk soul and body To give her to her lover, while I seem To tbrce her to the arms of one she loathes. The sweets of my first love are well remembered, And I can feel for the poor child's distress; He wants my child who could have had me, when I was as pretty as my blooming daughter; He knew it and he cut me openly ; So 1 can put a spider in his tea Without a qualm of conscience — thrift and vengeance! And she is no true mother who would higgle At drinking blood to make her daughter rich. And happy for all time. My God, how different Do I appear to that I truly am ! How poorly can we judge the human heart. From outward show or mo\ement ot the tongue! O, help me, help me, devils, and I'll send you The fattest sinner in this hemisphere: Then for a glorious life. And then! — and then For the hereafter after life is over! Ay, there's the dread: to plunge headlong — soaked through, Dyed, steamed and boiled in blood to the very liver, — To plunge thus inked, begrimed, incarnadined, Headlong into the blind unknown hereafter. With this tour hundred weight of bloated carcass Hung like a ton of lead about my neck — To plunge thus down to hell — to the very bottom! But cannot prayer, repentance, charity. Remove this weight and bleach my soul like snow.' And make it light as down, so it shoot up. Like steam from the strained engine's throat, to heaven? I'll risk it, even were hell to yawn next week! I'll risk my soul's salvation foV revenge, That empties riches in my daughter's lap, Gives her her lover, and restores to me The leadership of the proud city dames That flout me in my fall from affluence! Down fear ! and up ambition ! Scene III. — A drazving-rootn. Enter Irene from one side, and Sam from the other. Sam. O, vou is heah, is ye! Dat ole fellah dat owns de bank stock and de bi<^' stomach is down dab at de doah below in de biggest hurrv; vou eber "seed anybody in, and I tries my best to strain hmi, case I 'knows you wants time to take a good cry arter de crazy young tellah lef But he says he must see de lubly Miss Irene 'mejitly. Blebe my soul dat ole coon is in lub, too. 60 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Irene. Sam, go and tell hini I am not in. Sam. Bnt you is; doesn't I see ye.-' Irene. Say to him that I am not dressed to receive company. Tell him I am ill — I am in bed — I am dead — anything. Tell him to come to-morrow. Sam. Look a heah, Miss; I professes to be a gemman of honah, if I is culled. De rules ob good 'siety forbids a gemman to pack a diswonable proposition. Wid all due 'spect . loh you as a lady, and my ekal, I declines to convey any communication 'cept it be de trulf. 'Scuse me. Enter Magoon, overturning Sam, -vho retires in friglit. Major. Pardon my abruptness, Miss Irene. Lord bless you, I couldn't endure another moment's suspense. Why, upon my soul, you've grown into a downright beauty. I shall be the happiest man on this globe. I shall be envied by the male population of the entire universe, for I will travel the w'orld over to exhibit you and pioclaim my felicity. Irene. Have you been well. Major.? Major. Never better; I have starved more doctors than an}' inan of iny age. Have no faith in them; hence I'm alive and well. Have seen your mother and settled matters. Have made a will; matriniony is risky; all liable to die. You heir my property, with the exception in favor of your mother, if I die while we are amicably together as husband and wife. Here are the papers for safe keeping. This match saves some of the grandest scoundrels from merited vengeance. Was going to will my entire wealth to endow a society for the detection and punishment of the villainous adulterers of liquors, by which so many of us jolly young fel- lows are cut off in our priine. And now, when shall the wedding take place.'* I have lived fifty-nine years without a wife. That's long enough. Irene. Fix the day 3'ourself, Major. I am taking no part in this transaction. I am passix'e. I am in the hands of Fate. I am as a blasted leaf in spring-time, blown about by whirlwinds. Nothing shall I promote; nothing resist. I shall float with the tide. Love you I do not. Major; respect you I must, for you are good and kind. But I Avill be dutiful and obedient. Major. O, you will fall in love Avith me, pet. Time enough for that. Be cheerful. Don't go to grieving. Can't bear to see you cry. Cheer up, pet, and name the day, and let vis be gay. (How this love does run a man's ideas into poetry.) Irene. I will try to be cheerful; and as to the wedding, to-day, to-mor- row, any day, will do. Major. Bless you, my sweet jewel ! It shall be to-morrow, with a grand banquet at night. Irene. I shall be in readiness. Here comes my mother. I will retire. Perhaps she would like private conference Avith you. \^E\it Irene. Enter Mother. Mother. Well, Major, how do you And my daughter disposed toward A'ou.'' She has been reading poetr}' and cultivating romantic ideas of late, and I feared the effect upon her mind. Major. She's all right, Madam. Whole affair arranged. Marry to- morrow. Doesn't love me, but a young girl's love is light as her smiles. Give a young girl plenty of dress and finery, and she Avill be happy. A fig for loA'e ; it can be cultivated at leisure. I can plant it and raise it like a cabbage. Mother. The disparity in your ages. Major, is great, and the world is accustomed to frown upon marriages of this kind, though I think them eminently proper. Major. So do I. The world, as it is called, isn't always right. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 61 Wouldn't it be absurd to jom two snowballs in the hope of generating heat? Let the icicles of age be thawed in the furnace of youth. What is the use of adding fire to fire? Youth is too hot; age too cold; fuse them and vou ha\ e a healthful thermometer. Let heat be diffused that coldness may be overcome, and life and pleasure be prolonged. What would two as cold lumps as vou and I do together, but freeze? Mother. Thank you, sir. I am no cold lump. I am as warm as any woman. Major. O, I think you will make an admirable mother-in-law. Good morning. Push the preparations. \Exit. Mother. The unwieldy- old monster! to call me a cold lump. I'll make it hot enough for him! Why, I was offered marriage a week ago by a handsome young man of twenty-four, with a comfortable income. Cold lump, indeed! So soon as it is known that I have a competency in my own right, I will not be regarded as cold and old. I will get a husband that can call him grandfather. Cold lump! \Exit. ACT n. Scene I. — A bedroom. Magoon in bed groaning. Present: Irene, Mother, t-MO old women nurses, Sam and Friends. Enter Dr. Spanker, (Jl'ith surgical instriimrnts and appliances, T.vhich he hastily spreads on a table.) Dr. Spanker. Wliat's the matter? Who's sick? Male or female? Obstetrics? Hernia? Irene. O, doctor, what do you want with all those horrid instriuiients? It is medicine the Major requires. Doctor. Alwa\s go prepared for emergency. Madam. Glad it is no worse. Expected an operation for hernia, or an amputation at the least. Mother. O, doctor, be quick ; the Major has had a fit. Major. Devil a fit. It is the cramp colic. I had it in London. They injected me with a side break engine. O dear! O dear! Doctor. {To himself.) Depressed pulse; cold skin; abused stomach ; too much pudding; too much beer. Mother. (Aside.) That's what I thought. Doctor. Did he eat a heavj' supper? Mother. I should say he did! Why he has vomited four gallons. Irene. O, no, mother. Major. Yes, I have; I'm as emptv as the air. Doctor. (Writes and hands prescription to Serx'ant.) Go immediately to the apothecary's with this. Sam. (Spelling out the paper, a little way of.) R-e-c-i-p-e. Dat stands foh recete. What dis? H-y-d-r-a-r-g. ; yes, hydrarg., dat's calomel. C-h-1-o-r-i-d. M-i-t. ; Chlorid. Mit., grains sixty ; dat's calomel, too. O-1-e-u-m, Oleum; dat's oil. T-i-g-1-i-i, tiglii; Avhat de debil can dat be? M-i-n-i-m-s, minims five; dat's five draps. Foah God! dat's crotum oil; dead shuah to kill. Wid de 'dition oh one pint ob terpentine, dis is de 'xact 'scription I used to gib massa's boss foh de botts. Irene. Why, Sam! you here vet? Whv don't you hurry? Doctor. Wliat has emancipation brought us to! Such unpardonable indolence ! Sam. It has brought you to de knowledge dat de culled man is com- petent to rassel wid de great problems ob life. Indolence, to be shuah! Larnin' in de culled man is indolence! Oho, can't cober up youh calo- mel in latting from de culled man now! [Exit. (52 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Doctor. Apply a blister to the nape of the neck and twenty leeches to the pit of the stomach. Close the room and give him rest. I will see him in the morning. \Exit. Scene II. — The same. Present: Irene, Mother, old ladies and Sam. Irene. Do 30U feel easier. Major.' Major. De\il a bit. I'm worse; ten times worse. My neck is on fire, and my stomach ! Mercy on me ! Give me some hot punch. ,0 dear ! Hasn't Spanker come.' Toddy, toddy! Mother. No, my dear Major. The poor man is almost without hope. Ala/or. He is, eh.' Send for another doctor; I want no hopeless doc- tors about me. Toddy, toddj' ! Mother. Pray, Major, shall I call my family physician.' Major. Call anybody ; a horse farrier can't do worse than Spanker. Give me the toddy! Mother. {To Sam.) Go for Dr. Smick. [Gives the toddy.'] Sam. I hab a poah 'pinion ob dis Smick. His pills isn't bigger dan heads ob pins. Dey will neber mobe dat worrum from de Majah, fob it be a zagerated ca^e ob tapeworrum, shuah as Ize culled. Irene. Never mind, Sam, what it is. Go and bring Dr. Smick. [Exit Sam. Major. Bring me some more todd^•. My bowels are tied in hard knots. Toddy! toddy! First Old Lady. Have a little of this pepper tea. Major. Second Old Lady. IVIajor, I have some water and flour teemed to- gether. It never fails to break the colic. -If you could only drink a quart of it. Major. Give them to me. Give me the toddv, the toddv, the toddv, the toddy! [Drinks.] Enter Dr. Smick. Major. O, doctor, I am about seven-tenths dead. Doctor. I see. You have had Spanker with his heroic treatment. Well, if people will be killed with blisters and calomel it is their own business. [Examines Magoon.] Nervous exhaustion ; a clear case. [Pre- pares some fo-vders at a side table!] Give him one of these powders every five minutes, in ten drops of beef tea. Nothing else; positively nothing else must go down his throat. [Exit. Irene. Here, Major, take one of the powders. Major. You have spilled it. There's nothing in the spoon. Irene. It is the dose the doctor ordered. You are to take one every five ininutes. Major. I am, eh! Well, now mix all at once, and I will take all in one minute, and swallow the quack if he comes back here. There, now! O, ni}' stomach! Give me a little sup of toddy. Mother. (Aside.) He's worse. His mind Avanders. Eirst Old. Lady. Ladies, I would call the colored doctor. Dr. Abram Turner. I heard of his bringing a worm forty yards long from a man who was suffering just like the Major is. He always doctors for worms. Mother. Do you mean the colored blacksmith.' Eirst Old Lndy. Well, he was a blacksmith, and then a horse doctor, but he is now doing a regular practice. It is time we lay aside our pre- judice against color. Relief is what the Major wants. Major. O, yes, that's what I want. Send for him. He shod my horses a year ago. Toddy, toddy! Irene. Go for Dr. Abram Turner forthwith. Sam. Now I begins to see lite. De Majah luib a slim chance ob recobery yet. Culled pussens to de front! DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 63 Major. O Lord! give me a little more of that toddy. I am about gone ; toddy ! toddy ! beer ! Enter Dr. Turner. Turner. Majah, is you ill, sah ! Let me 'zainmin dis stomach onct. \Examines.^^ Worrum dar. Worrum hab gone insane, or he hab fits. Can feel him rippin de broad ligaments. He is coiled about de lopian tubes ob de ascendin cavy, cuttin off de blood from de front sinus ob de quadratus lumborum; and at de same time his head is stickm fast in de choly ductus docus foh shuah, closin dat 'portant tuberosity and deprivin de left ventable ob de heart ob its natral supply ob bile. Dis monster is what we doctahs calls cxhurus ascaris, alludin to Judas Iscarret, de fust to hab him; and dat's why Judas betrayed he massa. He be known to hab h^'drofoby and fits. You hab only one ob him at a time. I will pass him or pacify him. Make dese roots into a quart ob tea and gib it to de Majah berry hot and fast. [ZJ.v/V. Major. [Picking at the air.) I see gnats — brush them away ; a little more toddy; toddy; toddy! Mother. {Fanni)ijr him.) He is failing, poor man. Major. Where is my Irene.^ Where is my bride.'' Irene. Here I am, my dear Major. What can I do for you.'' Major. Nothing, nothing ; give me some toddy ; the doctors don't understand my case. They have murdered me. Enter Tubes. Tnbbs. What! may the devil take me, is the Major sick.'' Why, Major, how do you do.'' Major. O, Tubbs, is it you.-* Ttihbs. May the devil boil me for an owl il it ain't. Major. Yes, Tubbs, I'm sick, sick, sick ! Let me have some toddy. Tubbs. Have you been a takin' o' this doctor stufi? If you have, don't you take another bit; may I be damned, but it'll kill you. Irene. We have tried all the doctors, and he is getting weaker. Poor, poor inan. Tubbs. Calomy doctors.' Irene. Yes, he has had calomel and jalap, and croton oil, and a bushel of other stuff. Tubbs. May I be damned, but the calomy'll kill him. As for me and mine, we never take doctor stuff"; but if I must ha\e a doctor give me a steam doctor or give me no doctor at all. Now, do you send and get the old man Slabbs; he's an old steam doctor and a man that knows a heap. He'll gather a yarb that grows fernenst his barn ; he'll bile it down and make it into a tea, and give it to you ; and if the pain's not in the bones, but under and fernenst the ribs, it'll cure you in an hour; but if the pain's in the bones, it's the calomy, and may I be damned, but it'll kill you. Major. Well, send for old man Slabbs; I know him well; he is mainly in the hoop-pole business. Give me some toddy. \Ircne gives it to him^ Tubbs. So he is, Major, but he's a mighty knowin' man. These cal- omy doctors! I hate to swear afore ladies, but may I be damned, if they oughtn't to be in the penitentiary. I'll fetch Slabbs myself, but it's no use. Calomy once in the bones is thar. \Exit. Scene III. — A street. Enter Sam. Sam. De berry debble is to pay. Heah is a chance foh doctah Abram Turner to 'stinguish hisself, and dey keeps heavin in de medicines dat works agin de doctah's tea, and makes de worrum madder and madder widout killin' ob him. De fool Tubbs hab gone foh de erb doctah, and 64 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. I is commanded to watch de street foh doctah Slash, whom it is de inwarible rule to call v/hen it is dun shuah dat de patient will die any- how. Enter Dr. Slash. Sam. Ah, doctah! vou is wanted at de bedside ob Major Maijoon. He married last night and he will die to-daj; darfbh dey wants, jou. Slash. What ails your inaster.'' Sam. Massa! I has no massa, sah! I is a gemman, sah, if I is cul- led. I mobes in good 'sciety. Slash. You do, eh.? Well, now let me see you move. \Exit., kicking' him out. Scene IV. — The bedroom. Enter Tubb.s and Slabbs. Tubbs. Here's a inan, Mr. Slabbs, that's been a takin' o' calomy and other doctor stuff", and may I be damned, but it's a killin' of him. Blow me, but I'd give him lobely and get it all outen him as quick as the devil 'ud let me. Slabbs. That's the first thing to be done. Here, Major, down with this, or you are a dead man. \JVIajor s-wallotvs it and immediately begins straining to vomit.'\ Tubbs. Gentlemen, he's bad. Lobely's not a goin' to cure that man. I'd recommend you to send for Dr. Slash. He's an old calomy doctor that makes a sure shot — invariably kills, because he's never sent for till the patient has the death rattle. If he could get a sight at a man only half dead he'd save him. Why, here he comes. Elder Dr. Sla.sh. Slash. Why, what is the matter.'' Major, rouse up here. What's the matter.'' How do you do.'' How do you leel.'' Tubbs. May I be damned, but he feels like a man that's been a takin' o' calomy till he's about dead. [Slash gix'es him a look and gets one ivith interest back?^ Slash. Have you had the doctors here.' Irene. O, yes, doctor, all of them, and he seems to get no ease. Slash. There is need of promptness. \I\'Iixes and gives him a dose^^ Now give him plenty of hot whisky. Tubbs. May I be damned, but it's more calomy. [Aside to SLAuiis.] That man is dead. Salt won't save him. Major. {Faintly.) Yes, give me the whisky. That's my medicine. Toddy, toddy, hot toddy! I'm freezing. Tubbs. You're right. Major. Whisky is a good medicine. If it won't save you, nothing will. [^Magoon gasps; Irene takes his hand.] May I be damned, but the Major's dead. The calomy's killed him. Scene V. — A country place. Argo, 'cvalkmg moodily, meets a laboring- farmer. Farmer. Good morning, sir. Taking your usual ramble over the fields, I see, sir. Argo. Yes, my good friend. I hope I do not intrude or trespass to the detriment of the owners. Farmer. O Lord, no, sir. Our people are much interested in you. You are the subject of much wonder and gossip, sir. The country girls are agog to learn your history ; they have observed 30U, and think some great sorrow must weigh upon you. Argo. Poor girls! true to their nature, whether in halls Of polished marble, or in cottage lowly ; Curiosity and love ibr the mysterious Are still their ruling traits : and little foibk"^ DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 65 Do prettih- become the pretty creatures, As butterflies the smiling tace of nature, When clad in vernal bloom. Live you here, hard by, my good man.'' Farjuer. Yes, sir, this is my farm ; yonder is my house. I have worked hard here for twenty-five years, sir. Argo. Then you are pretty well-to-do, and don't have to work now. Farmer. Well, not so very well-to-do, either, stranger. My family has been to raise, and now that the bojs are pretty well grown, "they give me trouble ; and the girb: must be dressed in the fashion ; and the old woman is in poor health, doing for so large a family ; and the fact is, sir, I had to mortgage my farm to keep up with the demands of the times, and for some time I've had to work harder than ever to save it from forfeit ; and I shall have to keep it up for a few years yet. But I am beginning to tind that work goes harder with me than it used to, and sometimes I am almost discouraged. Still I keep plodding on, in hopes of better times for me in the future. Argo. What age are you, my friend.' Farmer. I am just turned of fifty ; but I think, sir, that I am good for several years yet. My father lived to eighty. Argo. And you want to live on, sir. Farmer. Well, yes; old folks want to live as well as young people, I suppose, sir. Argo. But why, my friend, would the old man live on.' What is there in existence in this sphere That man should struggle to prolong his stay.' Plis early years, when he looks back on them. Seem as a war in which he took a part. Being on the weaker side; and fighting bravely. Was subject to defeat and disappointment. And save the few bright hours of infancy, When life was opening like a new blown rose, He scarce can name a year he would recall. And for the few poor comforts it afforded. Fight its rough battles over. His prime and strength Are spent in fighting for a little footing. Amongst his fellows; but accumulation Of years and troubles compass him about, And come upon him ere his work is finished: He falls and is forgotten; like the horse That tugs in heavy harness many seasons, Till worn and weak, the winter of his life Finds him upon the common naked, where He lays his weary bones. O heavy life ! Where fifty years bring nothing but regrets, And find you even too naked to eke out Life's little remnant, but with daily eftbrt: Your ofispring rovmd you, each a separate care; Perhaps a separate sorrow. O poor man! What fascinates you at this stage of life To grovel for extension of yoiu- lease .' Your past is strown with broken loves and hopes. And wrecks of castles builded in the air; With memories of mistakes and many errors. Now past correction; and jiour present! — What is in it but a iresh troop of wants. That cry from every faculty and organ For remedy or rest, and gather strength 5 66 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. As you grow feebler with increase of years? Cut off from pleasures that diverted youth, Yet racked with pangs that youth was stranger to: Made petulant with petty plagues and piques, As stiffened joints, loose teeth and failing sight, With nameless other small annoyances: Aged and infirm, unhoused and unprovided; Or have you goods, perhaps inheritors Become impatient for a distribution. That waits on your departure. Thus at Mty : And what is there in the few years remaining. But aggravation of developed evils. Which still develop others.'' Then, poor man. Here lay your armor oft": your life has failed : You weary others by a longer stay. And you have nothing worth the staying for. Seek you some sweet brain-soothing anodyne. Which taken in excess promotes that sleep From which you wake into eternal life. Or sink into oblivious rayless night, And find surcease of pain. Farmer. O, I see now. You are one of them theater fellows ; you're a player. Argo. I am, my friend, a player like yourself; I play a heavy part that wearies me. And profits not the stage. Farmer. Well, sir, you spoke a great deal of truth in that little piece. I've often had just such thoughts as you express in your stage style, which I love, but haven't the learning to appreciate fully, I fear. I hope you will call at my house when you have leisure. My folks would be glad to make your acquaintance, sir. Argo. Thank you, my honest friend ; I will make it convenient to call upon you. Farewell. \Exit Argo. Farmer. He's a right-down smart young fellow. Crazy, I do believe; but he has a power of hard horse sense about him. Well, I shall not seek his brain-soother yet awhile ; but the truth is, I have little to live for. I have worked hard and lived pretty hard all my life, and I see nothing but hard work and hardship ahead. My old age is not provided for, nor won't be. There is no rest. But I'll go and tell the old woman and the girls what I've discovered. I wish I could remember that fel- low's blank verse — I believe that is what they call it. \^Ex{t. ACT III. Scene I. — A Gloomy Wood. Enter Argo -Mith a revolver., a dagger and a vial of foiso7i. Argo. It sometimes happens that a man must die To prove himself a man ; and evils come In shapes that cannot be endured ; and death Is sought by way of refuge, or to wring Some heart where ours is shrined. To yield the flesh To putrefactive forces and to worms. And leave the curious bones, the pretty joints To wear and waste to native salts and earth; Or else mayhap to be strung up on wires In some quack's shop to frighten timid maids, DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. G7 And draw from fools much idiotic question; Or to be hid in the quack's private ceil, Where he receives his mistress on the slj, And there stand grinning in my naked bones In point-blank presence of illicit loves, Dead as a post to passion; or to creep Away on through the years into old age, Without the charm which might have made the journev Endurable at least; and ever conscious Of the nine times detestable outrage Played off upon me ; and to know that he O hell! let me forget it! — he enjoys My wife! for she is mine! earth's laws and heaven's Have nothmg that to love's hot oaths can add A tithe more marrying power. — Divorced and cuckold! — Hornd, lork d, spik'd, spit on! — suicide must pur^-e • This foul disgrace away. And vet to die, "^ To die, to lea\'e the green earth and to v'ield One's whole prerogatives to other men ! — There's where the pinch comes in ! — To leave one's books Ones horses, dogs,— one's houses, lands and monies; — All those conveniences one has contrived And those arrangements one has just completed To minister to ease, is hard ; and harder Is't not to know who'll be elected Tuesday; What wars may rage in the next twenty years; What little men loom up; wh:,t great men fall;' What women be seduced, what wives divorced;' Who'll win the horse race that comes oft" next week; And there's no telegraph nor dailv press In the unknown abyss; and whether the dead Have means whereby they can come at the news, I fear is doubtful in the last extreme. O, the extremity is dire indeed That makes the young seek death; oblivious death; Annihilation: man prefers to wear His faculties clear out, and crawl t' his grave Inch at a time, snail-like, until he chokes From failure of the emunctories to bear off" The incidental poisonous compounds That in life's chemical workshops accrue. In the processes and occult assays, Whose grand achievement is the crimson tide, Which is the food of life. We fight for breath, Till the worn lungs no longer generate Electric heat to vitalize the blood. Which now, coagulate and cold, clogs up The avenues of life; and then our elements Seek out their kindred elements; and each Finds its affinity, and all disperse — But not to perish ; all Avill re-appear In difl^erent combinations — in the air. The earth, the ocean, other animals. In fruits, in flowers, in leaves, oft'ensive gases; Or in the damask cheek of beauty. But Atoms to dissolution given, never Can be combined more! But why stand here. Philosophizing on the brink of death! 68 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. I came for slaughter and to reap revenge, And not for argument. Am I insane.'' Some people hold that only the insane Resort to bloody violence on themselves. Am I insane, who reason me and plead Like an attorney, after the verdict's in ! More fool than madman, and more ass than either, To amplify and argue at this hour: Yet there is something in the gulph beyond, — The uncertain sea that hath no bound nor bottom — And from whose surge no diver yet hath risen, — That makes us dread the plunge. The crazy man Retains no sense of this, and makes the leap. Not thinking of the landing; he is brave From want of sense; while one not lacking reason. Will pause perforce of that same reason, and Become a coward. That is my condition : I am afraid to die; — and yet must die: I would not live to be laughed at to-morrow For th' wealth of all the Indies: only death Remains to hiin who hath been cut and jilted By a false-hearted beauty — one to whom He hath revealed the weak side of his nature. And made his confidant! The furies burn her! The accursed fiends could not invent a trick One half so sure to cut a proud man off! Hack-drivers, loafers, waiters, chambermaids, — The very bootblacks knew Irene was mine: The peanut venders, apple- women — all Knew us affianced up to the very hour When she skipped nimbly to the old banker's bed ! I'm laughed at by the raggedest boy 'n the street! I'd die for this if hell had nothing hotter! Now come grim murder with your goriest hand! — One sweep of this keen dagger cuts my throat. And ends the matter quickly ; still I am Opposed to all barbarity in killing. I never stoned a bird nor drown'd a kitten, I who want my own blood have shed no blood ! But I am shaken with my bloody purpose. And with my trembling hand may botch the job, And being discovered wallowing in mj' gore. Be set upon by surgeons and be saved To my intense disgust. I cannot stab; Fire-arms are best — a bullet through the brain Doth pass like lightning and is scarcely felt; And there's small chance of failure — 'tis less brutal To spring a trigger than to cut a gash ; Still it may snap or my unsteady aim Cause worser havoc than a half cut throat. Perhaps 'twere better to engulph this poison — 'Twill kill without a pang; you sleep to death. And never know the moment you depart. Yet I'm no judge of drugs and may have looked So like a kill-sheep dog when ordering this. That the pert pill-box nosing out my purpose. Being wise as new-fledged quacks perforce must be. Brewed me an anodyne or vile emetic, DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 69 Instead of the lite-suftbcating chloral To give me riddance; and even now perhaps, lie dogs me here to witness the result; Thinking to laugh while I do heave and vomit, Or else to lull my wronged, indignant spirit In a composing s'leep — thus cheating me Into some hours of life, and thwarting me In my most fixed and settled purpose— thus By a foul swindle, making me appear Thrice more ridiculous than I am already! I will not touch it. But what shall I do.? I will not live, yet scarcely dare to die; I'll plunge this dagger to the spinal marrow And end the parley straight! But not too tast; I may not make a" decent looking corpse. And when the coroner's rag'muffin jury Come to inspect me, they may scoff or jeer. Or pass some jest that should not go unpunished, And show the body of a bashful man Stark naked to a mob of gaping fools, Of after incidents the most abhorrent To all the senses. Is there no escape.'' But for the coroner's jury I could do it. Let me consider coolly — must I die.? Die for a woman.' Are there not concealed, In earth or hell some direr helps to vengeance.? By living grimly on through all my years, And hating all the women all the time — Doing to them every unkind, ugly thing — Writing against them — preaching against them - Backbiting them — making faces at them — Pinching their babies — making their husbands jealous Slandering them, (if it were possible) — Seducing them, (if it would plague them anv) By these means might I not spite them a little. And feed my vengeance some.? I'll try it for a time, though I may reap Less vengeance than vexation. I trust no eye hath seen me: I'm ashamed Of my irresolution — it is fear, Or I would else be fly-blown and the buzzards Be here at conference. O Irene, Irene! To what extremity I've come for thee! Where is the precious estimate of woman I had but yestermorn ! At dead of night While my muse ranged the universe for flowers, And rainbow tints and rubies to adorn The coronet 'twas weaving for thy brow: Even then thou wert locked in conjugal clutch With a worn lecher! and myself, greenhorn — I, duped idiot, was contorting rhymes To sound thy virtues! P^ie! But I am cured To the thoracic duct. A careful estimate of woman's faults. Would shock the devil; we see not her fiiults, We're blind to everything except the toy She keeps to tantalize us; but for that She'd get her dues from bards and other writers 70 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS Whose flattery is measured by tlieir lusts. I see her as she is, and, being impartial, Say slie is treacherous, vain, deceitful, giv'n to lying; To eating clay and gum; slate pencils, chalk; She has hysteria by the year — the yellow jaundice, Dyspepsia and chlorosis; polypus; With lead marks under the eyes — these half the time; False teeth, a tapeworm, corns — infallibly these. She most delights in dress, balls, fooling men. And being fooled ; for there is bawdry in Her bones, her blood, in each particular drop. These are a few of her most marked defects. But there is not a trouble known to mortals But she's at bottom of it. I do hate her, And am well rid of her. Scene II. — A room. Irene in mourmng. Irene. Occasions make the actors they require. And great emergencies sometimes bring forth Immense resource, and develop strength In individiiate-tJTin nations whence A We'lcfo'ked tor weakness only: will is power: — "^ly purposes are great and I am strong. They take me for a vain and idle woman, A slave to fashion and to avarice; And think that as I have come into fortune, I will come out a flaunting butterfly ; But I will fill their ears with other stories; I'll show them that a woman's head is full Of plots and strategies, and that her heart when swoll'n With love or hate can dare death, hell, the furies! I'll have him back — I will lose all or have him. I did obey my mother as in duty. For who can tell what mothers bear for children! What pains, what cares, Avhat sleepless nights and days, Must the poor mother bear to rear her baby! Which, when grown up, too often makes return In disobedience and ingratitude. I sold myself and broke my vows to buy Some little comforts for my failing mother; As she when I was little would have sold Her dearest treasures to procure me food. And now as heaven hath taken away my husband, And left me that which he could not take with him ; And as my mother is provided for. And I have leisure for some further business, I will put on the stage another play. And win fresh laurels or throw all away. Enter Lazvyer., ivith legal papers. Laivyer. Good morning, good lady. You are looking well. Weeds become you mightily. Irene. Have you' drawn the papers as I directed.' La-vver. Thev are ready for your signature. [Irene reads and signs the papers^ I hope the young man will prove worthy of your confi- dence. Irene. Please, sir, keep the matter strictly private until I remove the confidence. There is some money in bank to your credit. By cxamin- DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 71 ing enclosed papers you ■will see what disposition to make of a part of it. Please carry out the written instructions, and keep all quiet. Lawyer. I will take pleasure in executing jour commands, Madam. Farewell. \^Exit I^axvycr. Irene. Farewell, sir. How many sickly douhts and iears assail us, If we make pause to listen to their tongues, While we are lugging lame irresolution To the front door of action; after all How easj' is performance when the mind Is well resolved and settled in its purpose! Now for another chapter. SCEXE III. — A studio. Enter Publisher and Critic. Publisher. We have lost on that volume of the crazy fellow Argo, have we not.' Critic. It may turn out so. The fellow has genius, hut he is impru- dent. He makes reckless assaults upon the vices, beliefs and prejudices of men and women ; and people won't pay money to be told of their follies and absurdities. Publisher. Have you examined his last production.' Critic. I have looked it through. It has merit. If the fellow had a name to give it a start it might have a good run. Publisher. Perhaps ; but we can't afford to lift unknown authors into prominence at our cost. We jiiust deal with those who are already fa- mous. I have written declining his book. Enter La-vycr. Ay, sir; glad to see you. Pray be seated. La-vyer. I called on a little business. Have you in press a volume by the young fellow Argo.' Publisher. The work was offered, but we were compelled to decline it. The author is laboring in a field where few succeed and many fail. Laxvyer. Is there any merit in his work.' Publisher. That is not so much the question, sir. We think there is more risk than money in it. If the author had an established reputation the work might be received with fa\or. Lmvycr. Then it would seem that it is the name of the author rather than the character of the work that takes with the ]>ublic. Critic. Exactly so. The world is full of literary trash that would fall, but for the popular names that sustain it. Lawyer. May an author possessing no solid worth be lifted into pub- lic favor by money and puffery.' Critic. Undoubtedly he may, and without them he has a poor show, unless his abilities are very rare indeed. Lawyer. A party that must be unknown in the affair desires you to advance, as if Irom your firm, ten thousand dollars to the young author Argo, on the work you have declined. The order for the publication will be given hereafter. Here, sir, is a check for that sum. Publisher. That is liberal, sir. Some enthusiast, with more inoney than discretion, I presume. But we will attend to the matter. Lawyer. That is not for me to judge, sir. Farewell. [Exit. Publisher. We must seek out the crack-brain. This mone}' will bring him to the surface. Critic. His work is worthy, and we will undertake him now that he has backing. 72 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Scene IV. — A sfndio. Argo reading a letter; tears it and rises. Argo. Declines the work, but thanks me; a cold lie! No matter, thougli; I will not struggle more; A further effort in an honest way, In vi(;w of these rebuffs, would be unmanly; Occasions rise when villainy is virtue, And when you may employ the devil's weapons To fight his armies off. When one is in A war with villains he must be a villain. Man is the villain waging war on me; He will not give me foothold in the world. And I must fight for it. The wolf and lion Are kindlier to their kind than man to his. The sturdier swine that, gobbling up the slop, Crowd off and crush the weaker, are less brutal Than men who crush their struggling fellow-men. Nor help the weak to rise. Inborn is villainy; Your average man is every inch a villain; Nine-tenths of every ounce of him are villain. And the other tenth is tj-rant. So I find him. Cheated by men, I ne\er trusted woman Who did not put herself to extra trouble To craze my soul with love but to betray it. Are all like these.' or does some crooked chance Present ine ever the worst specimens Of women and of men.' It must be fate, Fixed by the ad\erse stars when I was born. There was a time when I did seek for fame, For honor and distinction in the world, Long did I struggle in the mad pursuit, But fate did thwart me so I caught them not. And now the chase is ended. All my arrows Are shot awry ; and my most cherished hopes Lay limp and withered like to early corn Nipped by untimely frost. That man's a slr.ve Who hath a cherished hope or aspiration. And who hath none is free; now ha\ ing none I'm free, and will give nature rein; and like A baulky racer able to win the race, I'll only rear and plunge. I will become A misanthrope with hate so hot that it Shall make my eyeballs vomit fire and fix Upon my brow a scowl to shed the plague; Set my firm jaws and make my aspect such That inen who see me bolt as from tiie devil, And grazing herds stampede, though I approach No nearer tlian a mile. I'll be men's ague. And siiake them like an earthquake; and their fever, And burn them like the sands on torrid plains. I'll work upon their passions with my pen, I'll make wild havoc in the social circles, By hell invented stories that shall point To infidelities crossed forty ways; Backed up by circinnstance so probable '1 hat wives shall lose all faith in husbands; husbands In wives; mothers in daughters, and daughters Believe their motiiers bawds; when all mav be DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 73 As innocent as babes. My cbief'est study shall be men's designs, And when I fatiioin their complots and plans, And lind from whence each draws his chiefest bliss, Then, with red vengeance reveling in my brain, I'll lay my little plans and counterplots And subtle schemes to trip them. This I'll do — Ay, lit'ty other fell, malicious things, A million other foul malpractices; (Which, like a merchant counting up his means, I will enumerate and classilV,) Will I employ to vex and worry men. So much for them, — and now for women — O! Bring me a chisel and a mallet quick! That I may pummel off these amorous bumps, The bane of all my life! O woman, woman! Thy loadstone doth attract me and repel! — Now I adore thee, now I loathe thy name; To-day I worship, but to-morrow weep! Thou shouldst be faithful, but 1 find thee false; Sweet source of all my hopes, haps and mishaps, I cannot live with thee, I die without thee; Like a wrecked seaman, famishing from thirst. Which he attempts to swage with' briny drops, And thirstier grows with drinking! — 0, thou art The wide Atlantic which my thirsty soul Is cast away upon — it needs must drink; For drinking not it famishes to death, And drinking, dies lor drink. Thou lov'st me not, Tho' with a Pagan's mad idolatry. Have I pursued thee — O, thou art my sun. My moon, my star, my stumbling block, my steam That doth propel me. "O excelling creature"! I had resolved to be a tliorough villain, But thoughts of thee will shame me from my purpose. How can a man be other than a man When woman's observation is upon him.' O heart of man! a riddle art thou still; Here have I softened to a very lamb From the most roaring lion, at the thought Of woman, woman, woman! Why, I sliould — No doubt I should — if the particular woman. Even she herself, the falsest and the fairest. Who has deceived me most — I should be slow To do a scaly trick if only she Were witness to it, and if I were sure She would be struck with death the \ery instant She read me out a villain. [fCiiockins^ (it a cfoor.] Come in ! Enter Irene. Irene. You are alone. Now for the very worst; Though you may stab my heart with cruel speech. The music of youj- tongue will heal the stabs As fast as words can make them. Noble youth, Turn not away, but hear my piteous pra\er. If thou canst not forgive the grievous wrong 74 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Inflicted on thee by a thoughtless girl. Yet do not niove till thine unwilling ears Have drunk the mourntul tale of my remorse, And floods of pity rising in thy soul, Supply thine eyes with sweet forgiving rains To wash away m}- sins. Argo. . Is this reality.? Or faulty action of the o'erwrought brain, Lending this vision life.'' Am I awake.' Art thou not Irene, relict of Magoon.' And reck'st thou of remorse! Iroic. O, say not relict! A wife, a widow, but a maiden still. The old man died of surfeit in his cups; P'rom drink and gourmandizing at the feast That followed the unholy nuptial tie, He fell in cramps, on rising from his chair, And made his exit, after much ado. Argo. 1 heard of it, and from his age and habits, I wontlered less that he had died in drink. Than that he had seduced my wile's aftections. And lured her from m}' side. Two claps of thimder, Your marriage and his death, crashed on my eai s At the same instant, and their mingled roar Did raise me from the earth. Irene. I am a victim, A thousand times inore wretched than yourself, If there be such degree in wretchedness; But my aftections were not stol'n away. Alas, alas! I came to make my peace, To ofter explanations — and alas! I find I have no words — O, pity me ! Argo. Weep'st for the old millionaire.' Irene. O, kill me, Argo! Kill me where I stand, for that were kmdness; But till you place yourself in my position. And argue from my heart, O, do not kill me With too severe a censure. Argo. O poor girl ! And art thou wretched with so fatal powers To make thy votaries so.' Irene. You know me not: I am a martyr, yet I ma}' have erred : But every error was a special virtue, Working specific good. Ars[o. Didst thou not love deceased.' Irene. I ! — I loathed him ! Argo. Then he too was deceived. Irene. He knew I loved him not — I told him so — But knew not I loved 3'ou. Argo. And 1 knew not My girl was pledged to hitn ; both were deceived ; Thus hath it been since Eve wore fig leaves; but Irene. But 'twas vour fault, you crack-brain; you resolved To win a name and fortune ere you married : Our broken fortunes, mj' poor mother's needs, Called desperately for desperate remedies. And I was sacrificed. But I am here, DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. iO In helpless innocence and scalding tears, To plead lor pity ! Argo, on my knees [A'l/cels] I ask forgiveness! Mercy, mercy, mercy! ArffO. {Taking her It p.) Kneel not to me! and earth, rush to the sini In twenty seconds it" I show not mercy, (If any gracious act of mine be mercy,) And if I do not pour forgiveness out As lavish as Niagara's rushing ilood Pours o'er its craggy brow, to wash away, (If that will wash away,) the heavy grief That weighs upon the sweetest woman's heart, That ever yet did plead to swinish man When he should plead to her: — then fly with me — Fly off with me, ye just, avenging gods, To some bleak rock, and turn me there to stone — Fixed in my tracks, a statue that may mock The touch and tooth of time; — that through the ages Sick lovers may troop thither, and may read : " This stone was once a man, whose flinty heart Retused forgiveness to a piteous maid, Who, in an evil hour, in tender years. And through advice of an ambitious mother, Forgot the pledges she had made to him ; And but for fate, which ordered otherwise. Would have become another's — then repenting. She came with tears to melt his frozen heart. To own her error and sue for pity ; But this denying, the malignant powers Changed him to stone as here you see him stand. With visage grim and a forbidding frown On his unyielding brow!" I am in fault: Mv peevishness and pinched-face poverty Have wrought this ruin. Pardon me, Irene! I should have bent me to thy girlish ways: I should have had more gold and less ambition — For love itself must compromise with gold, And aspirations, noble in their nature, And fraught with blessings to ourselves and others, Decay before their bloom beneath the frosts And chilling blasts of poverty. And wants. The grinning troop of wants that harass life, Led by the skinny hag, the want of gold. Embitter all the hours that else were sweet, Seal up promotion, and, like hungry wolves, With hydrophobic teeth and gummy eyes. Pursue and bay the impecuniovis wTetch, And hound him to his hovel or to hell; For any place on earth is hell to him Who hath no bank account. Irene. And any place Where love is absent is a barren spot. And where he is, a heaven. Do you believe That love's infatuation may possess us, And make our lives as sweet as zephyrs playing Amid magnolia groves in southern climes, And we not know it.? Is there an infection So subtle that it steals into our tissues. Till it is, as it were, our \ery essence. 76 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. And we not know its source, nor feel its presence, Till some familiar voice, scarce prized before, Is lost in death or distance? I was happy Till wealth and station came within my reach. To gild the hours and make that happiness Perennial as the pines, as some would think : — Not so for me; because, alas! when lost, I found my Argo's voice had made the music To which the gold-fringed moments danced away So lightly that the hours appeared as minutes Then had I ow^ied a ton of golden coin, I would have bartered half of it away. If that the shining treasure would have bought me. With its delicious sweetness, back again One hour of Argo's love. Argo. But all that gold. With all the other treasures superadded. Would fail to buy a husband worthy A woman such as this. But still the rich Speak slightingly of riches. Thou art rich, And I congratulate thee. But to me No more may come the rainbow-tinted moments; The rosebuds and the singing birds of summer, The aspirations and the hopes of youth. The consciousness and pride of inan hood's power. The thirst for fame and the applause ot men; And the heart-hopes more precious than all these, The yearnings of the soul to win at last, The approbation and the eve of woman, O, all farewell! Life's craggy coast aflbrds No shelter, and no gap to let me forth To the green fields beyond. Irene. Why, Argo, are you mad.'' Must I not fear That you have given color to the rumor That sonie where in your brain there is a crack Across the healthful structure.'' Like the winds You list and roar by turns. You cannot take The evil with the good, the bitter with the sweet. As here in life they are inseparable. And thus presented to us. There are those Who will not take the world in which they move, A little period in their rounds through space. As they do find it; but are ever seeking To make it as they fancy it should be. And to reverse the fixed laws of nature. They would conform all appetites and tastes To their own standard. But the level mind Takes circumstances in and makes the best Of the combined surroundings; patiently It bears with evils unavoidable ; And to the fullest it enjoys the pleasures, And sweets within its reach. Argo. A woman still! O, that philosophy is worth to me More than was ever preached. Dissatisfaction, Impatience, petulance, ye saffron devils! Depart ye hence, and leave me! O Irene! I will reform me! Make me what you will; Like the glass blower, you can blow me into DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 77 Irene. Argo. Irene. Argo. Irene. Argo. Irene. Argo. Irene. Argo. Irene. Argo. Irene. Argo. Irene What shape vou please; or tlie confectioner Who moulds his batch in shapes to suit the tastes Of customers \vho buy; so you can make me That shape which sells the best. Then you shall be Made into sugar kisses, and I'll keep them, And only I shall taste them. [A7A\ Servants at Bryan's House. Dixie, an old Negro, ' Basil Dike, brother to Brya.n. An.n'abel, his Wife. Malachi, 1 ,. ^ > Son and Daughter „,.,-„ •\^ ,.,-,„^ r Sailors, afterwards Judge D.\le and Sheriff Maglire. ri.ARNEY iVlAOtlRE, 1 "^ Blanton Dale, son o/ Michael Dale. Bell Macuirb., daughter of Bar^iky M.a.guire. A Detective, a Pastor, a. Doctor, Superintendent of Insane Asylum, Clerk of Court, Bailiffs, Spectators, Guards and Masked Lynchers. ACT I. Scene I. — Tlic coast oj Calijoruia. Enter Michael and Barney bearing children. Barney. Was ever escape so miraculous? We alone ai'e saved. Michael. The ship seemed to disappear as if by magic. You had barely received the children in the boat, and I turned to help the mother down, when the vessel made a lurch. I knew all was over then, and I instantly loosened the cable, threw a noose of it around my body and sprang into the sea. Barney. The lights went out like the flame of a candle in a midnight dungeon. If the poor gentleman and lady had taken to the boat at first, and not attempted to save their effects, they might have been saved. Michael. 1 suppose all the passengers were asleep in their berths, poor souls. Barney. I saw none stirring but the pair with these babes. Michael. I never heard of a ship going down so suddenly and so un- expectedly. Barney. Well, it is light now. Let's bring up the plunder that cost two lives. It ought to be valuable. Michael. Right, comrade. I think we can't be far from San Francisco. We had better make our wav in that direction. There must be inhabit- ants hereabouts. \^71/ey lay children down, retire and return xvith a basket and some travelinsr sacks^ Barney. Let's break open; perhaps we'll make discovery. \They pro- duce two lockets ajid a lady^s watch, tog-ether with large packages of bank notcs?^ Michael. We are made forever, Barney. This is more money than I ever saw before. Whoop, hurra! Barney. By old Boreas, enough to make us rich as Jew David. Now, it is impossible that anybody else escaped, so we had better keep this 6 82 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. thing to ourselves; divide the money; put the children in asylums; leave part of the money to raise and school 'em, and do the best we can on the remainder. What d'ye say, Mike? Michael. The money is ours by luck, but these poor babes have a better title to it. Barney. True for you, Mike; but it isn't often that a poor sailor gets a fortune in his hands all in good money. Michael. By advertising we may find relatives for these children. Barney. Yes, and claimants for the money ! Michael. We needn't confess the money. Barney. True. But still I think we had better say nothing about it. Do the square thing for the orphans, and wait for what will turn up. This sweet babe can't be a year old. Michael. And this chubby little boy — isn't he pretty.'' His age may be some two years. My boy, Blanton, is a little bigger, bless him. I will now be able to educate him. I will inake a lawyer of him and this one, too; and blow me, Barney, if I don't quit the sea and study law myself Money will put me through. Poor little boy; what is your name, sonny .^ Don't be afraid. Boy. Where Ma.^' My mamma. Michael. Is this Pa.' SJJpenx a locket and slio'vs child a picture.^ Boy. {Reaching for the locket.) Pa — pa — pap. Michael. {Opening the other locket.) Is this jour ma.'' Boy. [Seizing it.) Mainma! Alichael. Poor little creature! {hugging the child.) Barney, the curse will light upon us if we wrong these babes. Barney. Never a wrong will we do 'em, Mike. Did you ever see anything so greedy as this little innocent.' The poor mother — how thoughtful in that terrible moment to put the child's bottle in the basket with it. We must skurry the coast for cottages and fresh milk. I will name this sweet babe, Mike. I will name it after my poor wife, rest her soul. It shall be called Miranda. Poor Miranda! she is in heaven if there be a heaven. My little babe. Bell, now with its grandmother, is just about such a cherub as this. Alichael. Well, Barney, you be a father to the girl babe and I will to the boy. He shall be called Malachi, after my little son that was drowned in East river. Now let's divide this money into four equal parts. I will take my part and the boy's and return to my family in New York. I will adopt, rear and educate the boy, and will invest his money so that he will have something when he reaches manhood. Barney. Agreed, comrade. I will do the same for the babe; but I'll leave it in San Francisco, if we have luck to reach that place. There I will deposit its money and my own safely, and try my fortune in the mines. Scene II. — Windsor., Canada. A family -room. Enter Bryan Duke («« Anson Gluge) atid Edna. Edna. What have you now in hand.' May I not know.' When will you stop and be a quiet man.' We have enough, and if you risk no more Old Pinkerton will fiiil to fix on you The heavy robberies that have of late So stirred communities and so enriched You and your fellows; for your stealthy tracks Are so well covered that, without betrayal. All the sleuth hounds in old Pink's kennel house Will never smell them out. O, then be wise; Fulfill the promises you made to ine DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 83 When I fled home and friends for love of you, And threw in scales against jour solemn vows My honor and my all. How long, how long Must I live mistress where I should be wife.' Remember, love, the tender vows you made; Remember my devotion to yourseff; Remember how my parents cut me ofl:" Without a farthing for my love of you ; Keep me no more a scorned, a scarlet one; Make me your lawful wedded wife, and then If you desire it, I will go away And never see you more; or drown myself! O, any fate, or any death is preferable To such a life as this. Bryan. Peace, wrangler! hush! Let me not hear another word IVom you. Are you not clothed and fed.? are you not housed.? Have you not servants to attend on you! Have you not money to your heart's content.? You are a quarrelsome, discontented shrew. And but for your unrivaled penmanship, That counterfeits so cunningly and apt That bank officials know not their own hands From those you write for them, whereby false checks, And other forgeries do open vaults, I would a beggar set you down again. Beneath the window whence I stole you forth A dozen years ago. You will betrav" me.? You shall be watched; I'll have your iiver out Before your rebel lips can fairly lisp Ten syllables of treason. Edna. {Weeping.) Do not fear; She who hath risked her life and falsely sworn So many times to save you, won't betray you, Though beaten every day. Bryan. Then cease to whine. Your tongue is on the wag Irom morn till night, Whenever I'm at home; — the same old theme- I'll not endure it; ere I'll be so badgered I'll rake ten miles of hell for remedies. There are more women; you are not the purest; The unlawful tricks you do with me, no doubt You do with others. She who yields to one, Outside of wedlock, will so yield to any. So mistress, mind your cues; I don't suppose You fast when I'm from home; I've still in mind The sharp detective you were flirting with While I was late in jail. Edna. O viewless sprites. If you protect the innocent, stand forth All palpable to naked mortal, sight. To vindicate me here! Let him behold you. That he may know he has the truest woman. That ever sinned for love. Bryan. No sprites appear; But you may yet be true; their non-appearance Makes you no less so; I must take your word. Though a lame witness, bringing feeble force 84 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Against the circumstantial evidence That points to gniltj joy; yet I will take it, (As you have no other,) making due allowance. Edna. The man you speak of sought me as you know. In sleek disguise, in hopes to get some clew. Or some confused or contradictory statement As to your whereabouts one certain night. He measured arts with mine and he was baffled; And thereupon was hanging your own life; Had 1 been fool or false you would have swung. Bryan. Is that all, darling.'' Why, upon my soul, I did suspect a measurement of noses; But starving love still feeds upon suspicion. Well, well, let's say no more; you know, my love, When I am angry I am sometimes rash; I love you, and will make my pledges good. When we can get our hidden wealth together. And the lynx eyes of Pinkerton shall sleep. Till we can slip off to some foreign clime. Where his detectives do not lie concealed In every bush and closet and pervade The daily walks of men. Go, gentle Ed, Prepare us supper; I am off" to night; If I do prosper I will soon be back; If not — you'll hear from me. Edna. Now you do speak, Like that brave, gallant youth, called Anson Gluge, Who won my girlish heart. I will not question, But wait your safe return. I hope You are not bent on perilous enterprise, And will not further stain with gore the hands Too thick with blood already. You shall have My blessing when you leave. \E,xit Edna. Bryan. ^\-\(t is becoming dangerous; I must watch her; I must revive her hope to keep her quiet; I must re-light her lo\'e or she'll do mischief; She's yet amenable to blarney as A miss of fifteen summers; but of late I have been troubled and have used the jade Rougher than is my wont; — these women need A dreadful sight of blarney and small talk To keep them half in sorts. I'll flatter her, And ply her with the old worn arts of love That did achieve her; I cannot succeed Without the jade, or I Avould fat the fishes Upon her delicate flesh! But breaks the day When every tongue that could plague me in court, Must cease to wag, and her's among the first. Enter Mackapee and Bender. Ha, boys, how do you both.'' Are you quite sure You are not shadowed.? Wherefore come you here.^ Mnch. Less for our liking than to save our lives; Here's reason why. {Slio-vimr money.) Ben. We cracked a safe and skull. Bryan. \s\\y did you crack the skull.'' Mack. 'Twas Bender's whim ; He had a drop too much; the appalled cashier, Blindfolded, gagged and tied, might have been spared. DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 85 Ben. As I was passing out, mj sledge in hand, He strained his head far back upon the tioor, And strove to peep along beside his nose; And I did see, between his cheek and bandage. His eye wide open; then I swung my sledge And smashed his skull lor luck. Bryan. Bender was right; But Ben, old fellow, look you, curb your thirst. That flask will bring you to the gallows, boy; Your tongue is limber when you are in drink; Your hand too swift, and your hot head too bold; In the performance of a dangerous act. Be it as fair as truth or foul as sin. The actor should be sober: mark you this, And curb your appetite. f^en. I think quite dift'erent. There's nothing like good drink to nerve a man; It whets his wits and makes him strong and bold; Gives him assurance and contempt of danger; It drives weak pity and wry-faced remorse From lodgment in the brain; and makes you lap Hot blood as cats lap milk; and these, I "take it. Be graces that become a man o' the world, As wags the world to-day. I've had more' luck When half-seas over than the ablest man. Like circumstanced, could hope to win when sober And with his mind befogged with doubts and fears'. That cloud the sober brain; and drunk, I've gone Tlirough perils that no sober man could pass; I've suffered falls that would kill any man Who had no liquor in him. On my word, I tell you, Anson, that in love or war. At rape, at robbery, or at murder, or At any fracture of the law whatever, A man must have assurance — impudence, And go about it drinking. Mack. You're a fool! No man has yet done that when he was drunk, Which he had tried and failed to do when sober. Drink, in its first wild thrill, may make you strong, But that false strength entails a fatal weakness. Drink hath degrees : if you could take the first. And not the second, third, the fourth and fifth. It would not be so bad; but you cannot, The First, (Exhilaration), is a fire That heats 30U for the second, (Recklessness;) This leads you to the fighting stage, the Third ; From which you settle to the Fourth, (Dead Drunk,) A hoggish, helpless, sleep; thence to the Fifth, With tremors, trembling tongue and eye askance; With snakes in boots, and grinning fiends in bed ; Thence to more liquor and to repetition. Whereby you graduate into the gutter; A sot confirmed, a loathing to yourself; Or reach a prison, or the gallows; for In all of these degrees, except the first. Your reason's gone; you are a roaring fiend. Or trembling idiot; and in either case. 8G DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. You'll break the law, and break it clumsily, So that observing eyes will take your measure. Alike to honest men and knaves does drink Bring more disaster than all other causes: All history teaches this. Bryan. But wherefore, Ben, When at love-making, would you be in liquor.' Ben. Because that women, timid in themselves, Are ever pleased with boldness in a lover; They most admire that quality in us Which they themselves do lack. Your sober man Is nervous and has doubts, and fears to speak. Where one bold word would win her. Drunkenness Breaks up the ice at once, dives to the bottom. And comes off with the prize. Once in my youth I hung up to a girl a half a year, And all that time I could not nerve myself To ask her for a kiss, much less to take it Without the asking lor; made bold with drink, I seized her in my arms one Sundav night, And without hesitation she returned My kisses two for one. Here I had starved Six sober months for that which drunkenness Did win me in a minute. Bryan. Most cogent reasoning; but adventurous deeds Require great caution and strict reticence For their success; and both of these are out W^hen too much drink is in. Be wary then. How long are you in Windsor.' Mack. Scarce an hour. Bryan. That job in Iowa.' was't that, my lads.' Mack. It was, my boy ; here ai e the bonds and cash. Bryan. I read the account, and did suspect as much. These we will bury here; and now, my lads. You come in nick of time; just now we have Soine heavy work in hand. Are you quite sure The hounds have snufled no scent.' How came you off.' Mack. I held my seances and my lectures there. After the deed was done, more than a week. Bender did warble ofl' with tools and swag, As viewless as the spirits. Ben. Yet you say: Ben drinks too much ; it takes a sober man To act a difficidt and dangerous part. I did not sneak away. I hid the tools, And with the swag in this old carpet sack. Tied with a string, foot-sore and woe-begone, In tattered soldier clothes, I made my wav Out of the country, selling recipes For making patent soap. Bryan. Had you your flask.' Ben. You bet I had. Your sober-minded thief. Lacking the daring which good whisky gives, Would have gone skulking off at dead of night, When every line of exit swarmed with spies. And would have stretched a rope. I came by day; John Barleycorn did pass me through the guards; So here's good luck to him. \Tlicy drink Jrom the flask. \ DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POE.Mb. 87 Bryan. I merely touch yc\\ lips. Now boys, prepare for work. We'll have some supper, And then we must go separately away, By different routes, but meet and join our Iricnds In Seymour, Indiana; where the boys Have plans to crack the trains on both the roads. Through trains from California, at some point Between Vincennes and Seymour, will be sacked; For late those trains bear heav_\' sums in gold. But first a night train north upon the Jefl", Is to be seized at Marshfield, a morass Remote from telegraph, or station, so That with the engine and the baggage car, We can make off, with time to rob the safes Ere we reach Seymour; and in thirty minutes I'll be upon the "O. in M., going east, With all the bonds and bills that can be carried; And be in Canada before the news Is fairly on the wires. The messenger. The engineer and fireman will be killed Or tumbled from their posts. With lights put out, The engine may be run close to the town Where we will scatter ; you two go on foot. One east one west upon the O. ' ? Dick. {To Teddy.) It's de massa hisself; but if it is de udder fellah, I'll dun him foh my wages anyway. Teddy. {Aside.) Be the powers, that's put on: I could spake six words that 'ud make her jump to the sailing. 90 DRAMAS AND MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. Saddir. {Hcx