CD»!VRIGHT.ie89, BY HAROLD ROOHBACH a&oorfiaci) S full Desrnptlbe ©atalOflUe of Dramas, Comedies, Comediettas, Farces, ableaux-vvants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Church, School and Parl.r Kh.bitions, etc., containing complete and explicit information, will be sent to any addrei« . receipt of a stamp for return postage. ^Address as above. ROORtACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. This series embraces the best of plays, suited to the present time. The reprints have been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, so that absolute purity of trxt and stage business is warranted. Each play is furnished with an introduction of the greatest value to the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of incidents, complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage settings and practi^ble scene-plots, with the fullest stage directions. They are hand- somely prmted from new electrotyoe plates, in readable type, on fine paper. Their complete introductions, textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render these books^far superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto published. 3. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six male, threeJPemale characters. Time, two hours. 2, A SCRAP OF PAPER. A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female characters. Time, two hours. , 3. MY LORD IN LIVERY. A farce in one act. Five male, three female charac- ters. Time, fifty minutes. .4^. CABMAN No. 93. A farce in one act. Two male, two female characters. Time, lorty minutes. 5. MILKY WHITE. A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female char- acters. '^Time^ on-e hour and three quarters. €. PARTNERS FOR LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female characters. Time, two hours. 7. "WOODCOCK'S LITTLrE GAME. A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, four female characters. Time, oiie hour. 8. HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. . A farce in one act. Four male, two female characters. Time, thirtyrfive minutes. g. LADY A^UDLEY'S SECRET. A drama in two acts. Four male, three female characters.X Time, one hour and a quarter. SO. NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. A comedy in three acts. Six male, five female characters. Time, one, hour and forty minutes. XI. WHICH IS WHICH ? A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female characters. Time, fifty minutes. 12. ICI ON PARLE FRAN^AIS. A farce in one act. Three male, four female characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 13. DAISY FARM. A drama in four acts. Ten male, four female characters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 14. MARRIED LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female characters. Time, two hours. 15. A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS. A comedietta in one act. Two male, three female'''<:hjracters. Time, fifty minutes. i3. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. A farce in one act. Five male, two female characters. Time, one hour. 17. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— Original Version. A drama in six acts. Fifteen male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. X8. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— New Version. A drama in five acts. Seven male, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. ig. LONDON ASSURANCE. A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female characters. Time, two hours and three quarters. 20. ATCHI ! ' A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, forty minutes. '/^^— Lavender in a state of bewildered surprise, rises also, and watches Brambleton' s movements) Lav. {aside—puzzled) What the dooce is he up to? {hastily resumes his seat) Bramble, {coming back ?nysteriously, to Lavender) Now then, my boy, all I have to say to you is — tnake up to my daughter I Lav. {starting— astounded) What/// Bramble, {continuing—emphatically) Make up to her, my boy, with all your might and main / 10 WHO IS WHO? OR Lav. [aside — turning away, utterly astounded) Make up to his daughter! I ! Bramble. You'll find her a most delightful young person. Lav. [excessively puzzled) Well — aw — aw — I — I' 11 do my best — but really — aw— aw — [aside) Well, this bangs all I ever read in the Morning Post, it does, 'pon honor! Re-enter CICELY, L. 2 E. Cicely, [as she enters) The blue room's quite ready — [suddenly catching sight ^Lavender, aside) That's the "model young bachelor," I suppose ? [as though struck with a sudden idea — aside to Brambleton) Leave me to introduce myself! Bramble, [aside — terribly vexed) Another whi^n / And that pre- cious apron on still ! [turns to Lavender) Here, /'ll take that portmanteau into your room for you — [attempts to take portmanteau from Lavender) Lav. [astounded — retaining portmanteau) No really — 'pon honor [firmly) That I can t allow ! — Bramble, [tugging at portmanteau) I insist, I tell you. Lav. [retaining such firm hold of portmanteau, that he drags Brambleton half across stage) No — it's too much — it is, 'pon honor ! Bramble, [still tugging at portmanteati, and pulling Lavender back again) Now, do you want to offend me ? [a regular tussle for portmanteau takes place) Lav. Well, if you really mean it [suddenly leaves go of port- manteau, so that Brambleton is precipitated against table — alanned) But pardon, really, 'pon honor — I — I — assure you — I — I Bramble. Don't mention it ! [aside writhing) Right against the sharp corner — [turning to Cicely, who is arranging flowers on table) Just see to the lunch. Lav. [aside — looking at Cicely through eye-glass) "See to the lunch" — I thought she was the lady s maid! Well, that's the neatest little article in the ''all-work''' line, I ever clapped eyes on Bramble, [re-crossing to Lavender — pointing suggestively to Cicely — aside) Now, be gallant, you know. Lav. [aside, astoujided) What, with the housejnaid ? Bramble, [coming back to Lavender, and pointing as before) And I say, my boy, as soon as the first preliminaries are over, I authorize you to give her a kiss. Lav. [overcome with astonishment) " Give her a kiss ! " Bramble, [to Lavender, aside, chuckling) Say / told you ^ [giving Lavender a dig in the ribs) Ah ! you young dog, you ! Lav. [aside, dumfoundered) Ham I asleep, or awake ? I got up plaguy early this morning — [rubs his eyes in extreme bewilder- ment) ALL IN A FOG. II Bramble, {aside) I suppose I had better leave them together a little [to Cicely) Never mind the lunch I I'll supenntend it my- self !* [to Lavender) By bye, my boy, I'll be back presently ! [giv- im him another dig in the ribs) Ah ! you young dog, you ! ^ Exit with portmanteau, R. 2 E. Lav. ( looking ^//^r Bramble through eye glass— slowly recovering from his surprise) Well, they are rum 'uns in the country ! [tapping himself on the forehead) Strikes me the guv'nor s a little >^obfus- cated in the hupper story. I— I'm a superior sort of a tella/i, 1 know, but I neva/^ was made so much of before— not even m Mayfair — n^vahl Cicely [who, meanwhile, has been busy with flowers— coming down) Now then to see what the "model young bachelor ' is like Lav. [perceiving Cicely, condescendingly) Ah ! how de dar, my httle dear? how de darf [aside) Nice gal this, very nice gal. [con- ceitedly) I— I make it a rule never to talk to servants, but I sup- pose, under the circumstances, I must do the civil thmg. [aloud, coming to Cicely, and looking at her through eye glass) How de ^ar, my dear, how de ^^^'.^ ,. , , r -i- Cicely, [aside, surprised) " My dear! —he s very famihar. Lav. [conceitedly) And how do we amuse ourselves in this ^out o' the way part of the world— eh, my little dairymaid ? Cicely, [aside, offended) His "little dairymaid!" [aloud, stiffly) Sir, I really ^^ ^„, , , , Lav. [mockingly) " Sir"— dear me ! Now come, I 11 lay odds, /«r//^/«r as you seem, you'll be distractingly in love with me be- fore the week's out. , rr ^_^ * Cicely [aside, offended) His conceit is really insufferable ! Lav. [aside, surprised) Plaguy stuck-up— countryfied notions : pity— doosed pity 1 [following her up) I say, my httle shepherdess, there's one thing I mean to hz-VQ— [emphatically) and that's a ktssl [puts his arm round her waist) Cicely, [indignantly, retreating) Udive done, sirl [aside, vexed) Why, he hasn t known me five minutes yet ! Re-Enter Brambleton, R. 2 E.— Lavender perceiving Bramle- TON, hastily withdraws a few paces from Cicely. Bramble, [jovially— not noticing proceedings) Lunch is quite ready — Come along, Rosemary ! Lav. [consequentially) Not Rosemary, sir, Lavender. Bramble. Ah, Lavender, to be sure ! [cfossing to Cicely, aside) What do you think of the "model young bachelor," eh? Cicely, [aside to Brambleton) I don't like him at all ! Bramble, [astounded, aside) Eh ! 1 • j Cicely, [vehemently, to ^^P^MBi.^TO'i^) He's a forward, conceited, presumptuous young man! I tell you once for all, I'll never 12 WHO IS WHO? OR marry him! [crossing to door, l., impetuously) Never, never, never! Exit, hastily, L. Bramble, {aside, thunderstruck) T^xq deuce she won't!!! Now here's a pretty go — [seats himself, R., in a state of utter bewilder- ment) Lav. [who has, meanwhile, got up on stool in front of looking glass at back, and, after looking at himself complacently in glass, has struck a conceited attitude — looking after Cicely — aside) Thorough- bred httle cweechar; she'd be a ornament to Mayfair — she would, 'pon honor! Re-enter Matilda Jane at back, c. M. Jane, [looking admiringly at Lavender) There he is ! how noble is his hattitoods ! [sighing) Oh them whiskerses ! Lav. [looking round, aside) Our young missus^fine gal too- — but there's something about the little cweechar in the brown 'olland — [thumping himself on breast) Really, 'pon honor, I never felt any- thing like it before — [thumping himself on the chest, affectedly) It's Cupid — it's the little god — it is, 'pon honor ! Bramble, [who has remained utterly bewildered, rising, aside) My daughter says she won't marry him ; and when my daughter says 2l thing, she means it! But, anyhow, he'd better have his lunch, and I'll break the disagreeable intelligence to him after- wards, [aloud) Marjoram, my boy Lav. [coming forward — haughtily) Not Marjoram, sir, Laven- der. Bramble [stamping) Aye, Lavender to be sure — a — a — my dear fellow, you must be hungry ; step into the next room, and begin lunch without ceremony. I — I'll join you directly ! Lav. [condescendingly) Aw— aw — no hurry, you know — [going R.) Bramble, [following him) And, I say, don't spare the sherry ; you'll find the cigar box on the sideboard — choice Havannahs, my boy ! Lav. [at door R. 2. E. amazed) "Choice havannahs!" this bangs the Marquis all to shivers ! [affectedly) If that ^elegant little cweechar in the brown 'olland would only come and wait on me — why, Mayfair would be ^ fool to it! It would, 'pon honor! Exit, conceitedly, R. 2 E. M. Jane, [looking after Lavender, aside — sentimentally) I never took a fancy afore, but I've been and gone and done it this time ! Heigh-ho ! my young affections has fixed themselves on that 'ere elegant stranger, like periwinkles on a rock I I feels like a dairy- maid in love with a dook ! Bramble, [who has continued plunged in a brown study) Dear, dear! How am I to account for my daughter's refusal? [a loud ring heard ) ALL IN A FOG, 1 3 M. Jane, {walking up to door at back, and looking off— in a melancholy tone) Please, sir, here's a young man with a railway rug and a carpet bag. Bramble, {preoccupied) Ah — the new man-servant, doubtless; there's a train just in — {irritably) Dear, dear, I'm in no humor to talk about wages and references just now ! Matilda Jane, do you stay here and talk to the new man-servant. Tell him I'll be back shortly, {aside — going) What a bitter disappointment it will be to poor Sweetbriar! Exit, R. 2 E. M. Jane, {in a 7nelanckoly tone) Stop and talk to the new man' servant! I don' t take no interest in new man-servants, now (^z^^/;^^) Heigho ! My young haffections is fixed on one o' the huppers ! {walking UP to door at back) It's a melancholy instance of what they calls love at first sight ! {looking off through door, C, care- lessly) Ah, there he is ; he's a-scraping his feet on the mat — what a funny little man he looks ! {relapsing into sentimentality) But what do I care ? {in a melancholy tone) He arn't got no whisker- ses ! (SwANHOPPER speaks outside) Swan. Sorry, very sorry indeed, to be so late — quite an acci- dent — I'll just step into the parlour! Enter Mr. Simonides Swanhopper, at back, c; he is attired very plainly, in a dark suit of tweeds, pot hat, pouch slung at his waist. He carries railway rug, small travelling bag, an umbrella, a large parcel under each arm, &'C. (n. b. — He speaks through- out with almost pedantic precision) Swan, {bowing to Matilda Jane) Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton at home ? M. Jane, {consequentially) He'll be here presently. Swan, {surprised) Presently? M. Jane, {pertly) Yes ! you're not above waiting a few minutes, I suppose. Swan, {surprised) Eh ! No — oh dear no. {aside) I am consider- ably behind time ! I just missed my train, through upsetting an old woman's apple stall, as I turned a sharp corner. M. Jane, {disdainfully) I was told to stop and talk to you. Swan, {politely) Indeed ! {aside) A remarkably fine girl. {struck by a sudden idea) Good gracious — is it possible I can be addressing — surely it must be, or he wouldn't have asked her to stop and talk to me ! How very awkward to make my first appearance, thus, unintroduced — I'm getting red in the face — I'm sure I am ; I always get red in the face when I talk to a pretty girl ! {aloud, politely) I — I'll crave permission to deposit these few articles on yonder sofa. M. Jane, {vacantly) Deposit them wherever you please, /don't care where you deposit them ! Swan, {aside, putting bag &^c., on sofa, surprised) Somewhat. 14 WHO IS WHO? OR distant in manner Peppercorn told me she was just a little self- willed- — I had better allude to the object of my visit, {striking atti- tude and extending his arm) Ahem ! [aloud, in a declamatory tone) I have journeyed all the way from London in the hope — I may say in the expectation — or rather in the fervent belief- M. Jane, '^sharply) There, there, you'd better tell all that to Mr. Brambleton! Swan, {with grotesque enthusiasm, striking attitude) Ah, to that moment I look forward with hope mingled with fear — with fear^ mingled with rapture — vj\\}ci rapture, blended with ecstacy ! M. Jane, [bursting into a fit of laughter) Ha ! ha ! ha ! well, he is a character [stopping short) But I ain't got sperrits to laugh; I'm what they call nipped in the <^«^— that's what /am ! Heigho ! Heaves a deep sigh and Exit, L. Swan, [puzzled) There seems a slight shade of •' keep-off-ish- ness" about that young lady ; it must be the family blood ! Pep- percorn told me that the Brambletons came over with WiUiam the Conqueror — I almost wish they hadnt; it makes people so bounceable ! I'm beginning to think that a wife who came over with WiUiam the Conqueror, may possibly " come over" me! Re-enter Cicely, l. Cicely, [perceiving S^ K^YiovvY.^ Oh, the new man-servant ; — I heard he had arrived. Swan, [aside) Anothernice g'lrW Who's she, I wonder? Cicely. You've just reached Brambleton Hall, I presume, my good man ? Swan, [aside, surprised) Her "good man!" [aloud, politely) I put in an appearance not three minutes ago. Cicely, [aside) I rather like the look of him — ^he seems so quiet and respectful, [aloud) I have every reason to beheve you will be comfortable here — Mr. Brambleton is a kind and generous master. Swan, [aside, puzzled) " Master ? " Oh, I see, the maid-servant —I didn't notice the cipron before. Nice little creature ; not so imposing as her mistress — her ancestors did not come over with William the Conqueror, [aloud] So, Mr. Brambleton, you say, is kind to his servants? Cicely. He is benevolence itself. Swan, [glancing significantly at Cicely) I'm sViXQ\\^ ought to be. [sentimentally) Many owe their menial station to fortune's stern decree ! Cicely, [looking compassionatly at Swanhopper) Most true. [aside) Poor fellow ! he has evidently experienced some great reverse ! Swan, [aside, puzzled) This handmaiden must have seen better days, [aloud, looking compassionately at her) Such is life ! We ALL IN A FOG. 15 never know what's in store for us ! [with burlesque sentimentality^ One day we are at the top of the tree^ the next we are at the bottom of the pond ! Cicely, [aside, admiringly) His sentiments are really superior to his station ! [aloud, interested ) Your parents have probably known the blessings of affluence ! Swan, [aside — surprised) What does she mean? [aloud) My excellent father made a snug fortune in i\ie goose-quill dind peacock- feather line. Cicely, [aside — sympathetically) And lost it all in railway share s^ I've no doubt. Swan, [sentimentally') But fortune does not always constitute happiness ! For my own part, when I left London this morning, [striking attitude) I thought the summit of earthly felicity would be attained, if I only succeeded in the cherished object of my anxious mission ! Cicely, [aside — surprised) What very superior language for a person in his sphere ! I am strongly prepossessed in this young man's favour — I trust papa will engage him. [aloud, looking off , R.) See, here comes Mr. Brambleton! I withdraw, in order that you may converse together respecting the object of your visit. Exit, L. Swan, [evidently puzzled) Singularly choice phraseology for the wearer of a brown hoUand apron ! Education is evidently making rapid strides in this part of the world ! Re-enter Brambleton, r. 2 e. Bramble, [aside, as he enters) Can't pluck up courage to break it to the young fellow. It's too bad of Cicely, it really is ! Swan, [aside — nervously) He doesn't see me — [coughing) Ahem ! Bramble, [turning round) Oh, it's you, is it ? Swan, [striking an attitude) Yes, 'tis /, Mr. Bloomfield Bram- bleton, 'tis I — I'm very late. Bramble, [chuffly) You are — very late — very late indeed I Swan, [aside, ecstatically) To think that I am talking to the father of the future Mrs. Simonides Swanhopper — the grandfather, possibly, of a fluttering tribe of chirrupping Swanhoppers ! Bramble, [scrutinizing hijn) The preliminaries are already set- tled ; you've been very highly recommended to me — you'll do. Swan, [aside, slightly puzzled) I'll "do" — that's all right. I had no idea it would be so quickly settled ! Bramble, [chuffly) Let me see — I — I — forget your name. Swan, [mildly) My name is — Swanhopper. Bramble, [surprised) Swanhopper I don't like that name at all ! Swan, [surprised) You don't like it? Bramble. No, I can't be shouting " Swanhopper I '' all day long ! What's your other name ? l6 WHO IS WHO? OR Swan, [quie/fy) Simonides. Bramble, [starting) Simonides / t\i2it' s worse \ It's most absurd that a man like you should have such a name as Simonides ! Swan, [jnildly) Well, you see, I didn't choose it myself. Bramble, [chuffly) Don't talk, sir ! {reflecting) I tell you what I must do — I'll shorten the appellation — I — I'll call you Bob. Swan, [excessively surprised) Bob!! Bramble. Yes, it's a good name, and easy to pronounce. Swan, [quietly) Viewed in that light, the name doubtless has its advantages, [complacently) There was once a Bruce, King of Scot- land — his name was Bob. Bramble, [shortly) It was. Swan. Then there was Burns, the poet — Bramble, [surprised) True I [aside) He seems well up in bio- graphy, [aloud — chuflHy) Now then, Robert Bruce — no ! I mean Bob hopper — why, where is he ? [looks all round for Swanhopper, who has meanwhile walked up, and quietly laid himself full length ou the sofa at back — catching sight of him, roaring) Don't lie down while I'm talking to you ! ! Swan, [surprised, quietly turning on his side) A — a — you see — a — a — I'm rather tired ! Bramble, [roaring) Get up directly, sir ! (Swanhopper starts into a sitting posture) Tired, indeed ! Why you've done nothing yet ! You had better get to work at once ! Swan, [surprised) Work! What work? [rises slowly and comes down) Bramble, [sarcastically) Whatworkl You don t suTppose you ve come down here to amuse yourself, do you ! I — I wish you to commence operations at once. Swan, [puzzled.) Commence operations! [struck by a sudden idea) Aha! I see. [laughing) Ha! ha! ha! Facetious — very — comic — decidedly ! What a funny man you are ! [digs Bramble- ton in the ribs) Bramble, [sternly) I say, Bob ! I'll trouble you not to behave in that rude manner. Swan, [surprised) I — I really beg pardon, but your remarks are so replete with humor, so fraught with facetiousness Bramble. Never you mind what they are ! Now then, [rubbing his hands) what can you do? Swan, [puzzled) What can I do? I — I can do a great many things — [simply) I can play the flute ! Bramble, [angrily) Play the flute! You won't play it here, /can tell you ! I — I suppose you can brush clothes — bottle wine Swan, [enormously puzzled) Well, I dare say I could — if I were to try. Bramble.- [sharply) Try! you'll have to try, and no mistake! {aside) Extraordinary man-servant this ; he evidently knows more ALL IN A FOG. \f of biography than of boot-blacking ! {aloud, sarcastically) I imag- ine — at a pinch, if required, you can [imitates action of blacking and brushing boot) Swan, [mechanically imitating Bram.bl.kton's gesture, puzzled) No, I don't think I can. Bramble, [amazed) Do you mean to tell mxdS.W2S^ probation, to wliich this eccentric person is sub- jecting me ! Cicely, {approaching Swanhopper, aside to him encouragingly) Courage I Quail not beneath stern Fortune's frowns, but man- fully fulfil your duty ! {walks up) Swan, {aside, sentimentally) Kind is the lovely little housemaid ; I'll take her advice — she seems to understand this elderly lunatic's peculiarities — I only wish / had known a little more about them before I left town this morning ! {picks up the boots) Re-enter Lavender, r. 2 e., luxuriously sjnoking a cigar. Lav. {as he . enters) Prime cigar — very prime ! {looking at Swanhopper, who has a boot in each hand) Halloa! footman's deppity, I presume, {suddenly catching sight of Cicely) Why, there's the lovely little cwechar in the brown 'oUand ! {affectedly, thumping his chest) It's Cupid — it's the little god — it is, 'pon honor ■ Bramble, {aside, perceiving Lavender) Poor young fellow — what a blow it will be to him ! Swan, {who has, meanwhile, taken up top boots, and, with a variety of indignant gestures, has inserted one arm in each of them) Talk about transmogrification — there's nothing in Ovid's Met- amorphoses to come up to this ! {indignantly) Instead of asking me to take a little refreshment, my eccentric host makes me black his boots ! Cicely, {aside, commiseratingly) Poor fellow* he seems quite ashamed of his menial occupation ! {approaching Swanhopper, and pointing off , R. IE.) That's the way to the kitchen. Swan, {aside) Kitchen indeed ! {glancing at Cicely) Thank you ; I — I'm much obliged, {aside) Sweet little creature, that housemaid ; her brown holland but enhances her beauty ! {suddenly remembering boots, and shaking his fists, with a boot on each) Confound the boots ! /'ll give it Peppercorn for this ! Flourishes boots, with gestures indicative of extreme indignation, and Exit, R. i e. Cicely, {aside, looking after Swanhopper) I declare he's going into papa's study ! I had better show him the way. {is about to Exit, R. i e. ) Bramble. Where are you going, miss ? {crossing to her, aside, coaxingly) Just say a civil word to Mr. a — a — Jack-in-the-Green — [angrily) what the devil's his name? ^ Cicely, {aside to Brambleton) I have already told you I'll have 20 WHO IS WHO? OR nothing to do with that gentleman — and you know, papa, I never alter my mind ! {crossing, r. ) Never ! never ! never ! Exit, R. I E. Bramble, [aside, ruefully^ Thai settles the question ! I must break the unpleasant truth to the young fellow without further delay — [approaching Lavender) I am really very sorry, my dear Gilliflower Lav. [interrupting^ Not Gilhflower, my dear sir — Lavender. Think of sixteen branches a penny ! Bramble. Ah, to be sure. My dear Lavender, I — I — I'm sorry to inform you that my daughter doesn't approve of you Lav. [surprised) Doesn't approve of me ? Bramble. She doesn't like you a bit ; it will therefore be im- possible for me to bestow on you my daughter's hand ! Lav. [starting violently, thunderstruck) Your daughter s hand I [utterly overcome) Well, sir, the very /ndea does me proud, and grateful to you, I ^am, for /lever ^entertaining it; but if the young lady thinks /!Otherwise, [conceitedly) why between you and me, sir, it doesn't much matter. Bramble, [surprised) The ^^fz/// it doesn't ! Lav. [rather confused) You see, sir, the heart o' man is a /^inde- pendent -^orgin, and I feels myself bound to confess Bramble, [impatiently) What — what — what? Lav. That I've conceived a /^unmistakable attachment [hesitating) for your 'ousemaid. Bramble, [thunderstruck) For my housemaid? [in a towering pas- sion) How dare you conceive anything so ignominious ? Lav. [hurriedly) But my intentions are honourable Bramble, [roaring) Hang your intentions, sir — get out of my house, sir ! Lav. [hurriedly) I intends to lead her to the ^altar Bramble, [roaring and walking Lavender up to door at back) you'll not lead her anywhere, sir I Go away, sir! [aside) I never was so insulted in all my life ! Lav. [expostulating) But really, sir Bramble, [angrily, walking him up) I'll hear no more, sir — go, sir — ^be off, sir ! Lav. [at door) You mis/zapprehend my ^object Bramble, [roaring) Get out of my house, sir ! Fly ! Vanish ! Begone ! [comes down indignantly) Lav. [near door c.) I always thought he was a manywhack — and now I am sure of it ! Takes up Swanhopper's hat from sofa at back, and Exit majestically, C. D. Bramble, [in a paroxysm of anger) The scoundrel comes down here to propose to my daughter, and falls in love with my ?naid- servant! If this is Peppercorn's notion of a model young bachelor, I'm sorry for him ! [falls into arm chair, utterly exhausted) ALL IN A FOG, 21 Re-enter Cicely, r. i e. Cicely, [aside, as she enters) Papa's alone — how very fortunate ! [approaching Brambleton, aloud) Papa, I want to speak to you, very particularly. Bramble, [starting from his reverie) Eh ! What's the matter now ? Cicely, [timidly) You know, papa, we are none of as masters of our inclinations. You'll be greatly surprised, but I consider it my duty to confess Bramble, [starting, alarmed ) Another confession ! Cicely, [timidly) To confess that I have conceived a deeply rooted attachment for Bramble, [on thorns) Go on^go on ! Cicely, [casting down her eyes) For the new man-servant ! Bramble, [bounding off his chair, thunderstruck) The new-man- servant! ! Malediction and confusion ! M.^ daughter s in love with my man-servant now ! [tragically) Unhappy girl ! How came you to fall in love with a wretched shoe-black? [bitterly) Shoe-black! he isn't even that, for he doesni know how ! Cicely, [innocently) There's no accounting for these things, you know. Bramble, [indignantly) I should think ?z^^ indeed ! [utterly over- come) I declare my head's going round and round like a whirli- gig at a fair ! Re-enter SWANHOPPER, R. IE., with a pair of top boots in his hand. Swan, [aside, looking complacently at boots) Well, for a first attempt, I've imparted a very tolerable amount of lustre ; [hold- ing up boot) 1 can see the tip of my nose most distinctly ; I'm get- ting red in the face — I can see I am ! Cicely, [aside, perceiving Swanhopper) He comes ! How my heart beats ! Bramble, [suddenly perceiving Swanhopper — starting up) Oh, there you are ! ( rushing angrily at Swanhopper, and seizing him by the collar) Wretched young man ! is this the way you repay my favors ! Swan, [struggling) Your favors ! [breaks from Brambleton) Do you call this sort of \k(\v\g favors? [dashes boots angrily on the ground) Take your favors ! Bramble. Aha! [bobbing aside to avoid boots, furiously) Howl^^r-? you, in your sphere of life, presume to make advances to my daughter ? Swan, [utterly mystified) In my sphere of life ! And why not in my sphere of life, sir? [striking attitude) I repeat, sir w^_^ not? Bramble, [angrily) "Why not!" He owns it — he tacitly owns it ! [stumbles over one of the top-boots turns round and kicks it, angrily to back of stagey 22 • WHO IS WHO? OR Swan, [aside, very angry) His daughter! I don't care two pence for his daughter! [^looking tenderly at Cicely) The image of yon- der lovely handmaiden has imprinted itself on my too susceptible heart ! [tragically — aside) Yes ! I, Simonides Swanhopper, have this day blacked a pair of boots ; but, to win a smile from that celestial embodiment of nine pounds per annum, I'd clean the knives— y^r ever I ! [altering his manner — ruefully) But no ! it must not be ; my word is pledged to Peppercorn — the sooner I fulfil my compact the better ! [taking centre and striking attitude) Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton, sir ! [with a gulp) I have the honour to ask you for your daughter's hand ! Cicely, [aside, delighted) Eh ! Bramble, [speechless with indignation) You ask me for my daugh- ter's hand ! ! [in a towering passion, giving him a kick) Take it ! ! ! Swan, [roaring) O-o-h ! [mortally offended) Sir, you've stung me to the quick ! Bramble, [roaring^ Get out of my house, sir! Swan, [furious^ Eccentricity is all very well in its way, but I can't stand this any longer. I'm getting red in the face, I know I am ! I shall be red all over if this goes on ! [stumbles over the top-boot, which he kicks to the back of stage) Confound these prec- ious boots ! Bramble, [furious) Don't kick my boots about sir ! Swan, [walking to and fro, aside) I never was so treated in all my hfe 1 the man must be a raving lunatic ! Re-enter Matilda Jane, l. M. Jane, [aside, sentimentally) My feelin's is to much for me — I must unbuzzin myself to master, or I shall bust ! Swan, [approaching Matilda Jane) For _;y^z^r sake I have en- dured a great deal, but I'll not put up with any more ! M. Jane, [aside ^ surprised) What does the man mean I Bramble, [aside, bewildered) For ^^r sake ? why, he's sentimen- tal on the maid-servant now ! [with concetitrated resolution) Where's my gold-headed bamboo? [rushes to corner and fetches bamboo) Cicely, [imploringly) For goodness sake ! Oh, something dread- ful will happen ! Bramble, [rushing at Swanhopper, with bamboo) Now then, oblige me by stepping it instanter ! Swan, [with much dignity, taking up carpet bag) I will step it — instantissimer ! [turns to Matilda Jane) Fair damsel ! you'll bear witness to the treatment I've received, [kissing his hand to Cicely — sentimentally) Beauteous maiden, farewell ! [in his agitation, he unconsciously takes up Lavender's white hat from the table. Jams it ALL IN A FOG. 23 fiercely on his head, and makes for door— with intense emphasis) Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton, for the present, I will merely observe — Good morning ! ! Exit, angrily, at back, with carpet bag — still wearing nankeen jacket and white hat. Cicely, [tearfully, to Brambleton) But he must not be turned out in this unjust manner — what has the poor fellow done? Bramble, [angrily) Hold your tongue, miss! Cicely, [imploringly) But, my dear papa— — Bramble, [with bombastic sternness) Go to your chamber, miss, and lock yourself m—for ever! I ! Cicely, [impetuously) Oh, what a cruel, cruel papa ! Exit, l. Bramble, [utterly overcome, turning to MATILDA Jane, patheti- cally) Oh, Matilda Jane, Matilda Jane, unheard of things are tak- ing place ! My daughter, my son-in-law, my man-servant, all conspire to drive me out of my senses ! thou alone — thou faithful maid-of-all-work — thou alone art left me ! [carried away by his emotion, he throws his arms round M. Jane) M.Jane, [struggling) Don't sir! a-done, sir ! for goodness sake, sir [pushes him away) Ah, sir [in a. melancholy tone) I — I've got a summat on my mind, sir. Bramble, [starting) Eh ! M. Jane, [whimpering) Yes, sir. I — I feels it my dooty to con- fess- Brambie. [dreadfully alarmed) Another confession ! M. Jane, [whimpering) I've been and taken z. hunextinguishable fancy Bramble, [wildly) To whom f To whom ? M. Jane, [convulsively) To — to — to your son-in-law! Bramble, [starting as if electrified) Aha ! I 1 This is the finishing stroke ! this about settles it ! [wildly) The prescribed order of things is completely inverted, and confusion, worse confounded, reigns supreme ! M. Jane, [whimpering) You'd better turn me out, at once, sir, for when / takes a fancy to any one, I never gets over it I [sobbing) I couldn't help it, sir, it was them whiskerses as did it ! Bramble, [bitterly) Whiskerses, indeed I Get out of my sight ! Fly ! Begone ! M. Jane, [drying her eyes) Oh, thankee, sir! I — I'll go and pack up my box : for the sooner I forgets them faskinatin' appendages, the better ! [sentimentally) Ah! it's a dreadful thing, sir, for a young 'ousemaid to be nipped vs\ the bud! Exit L. Bramble, [alone — in a tone of calm bewilderment) Let me endeavor to collect my scattered senses, and calmly consider how matters stand at present, [calculating on his fingers) My bachelor maid-of-aJi-work has proposed for my daughter's hand — No ! My 24 WHO IS WHOf OR model young man-servant is desirous of marrying my spinster son- in-law — No ! {utterly bewildered) I cant malie it out — I'm all in a fog ! I'm all in a fog. Re-enter Lavender, c. Lav. [angrily) Aw — aw — in the ^indignation of the moment I forgot my portmanteau ! Bramble, [bewildered) Your portmanteau ? Lav. [haughtily)Yes, sir ! You just now -bordered me ^ofF the premises, sir, and >^off 1 goes according — but, previous to startin', I'll just trouble you to 'and ^over the travelling expenses I Bramble, [surprised) The travelli7ig expenses ? Lav. [haughtily) Yes, sir! I speculated all my "ready" in the fare down, to say nothing of the registry fee ! Bramble, [astounded) Registry fee ! [looking at Lavender, in great perplexity) You came here at the instance and suggestion of my dear friend, Peppercorn ? Lav. [consequentially) " Peppercorn? " — never heard the name! Bramble, [struck by a sudden suspicion) Are you, or are you not, the " model young bachelor " recommended to me for a son- in-law ? Lav. [surprised) " Model young bachelor? " — I understood you wanted a superior hupper jnan-servant ! Bramble, [clapping both hands to his forehead) Man-servant ! ! What vivid gleam of forked lightning flashes through my bewild- dered brain ? [turning to Lavender) Are you the man-servant? Lav. [consequentially, striking attitude) In harristocratic circles we calls it — " wally-de-sham!'''' Bramble, [suddenly remembering, horrified) Good gracious! Then ^f?<^hopper was the "model young bachelor!" [clasping his hands) and I've made him polish top boots! Re-enter Simonides Swanhopper, c. at back, still wearing nan- keen jacket and white hat. Swan, [with immense dignity) I forgot to return your odious jacket ! [takes off jacket majestically and throws it at Brambleton's feet — he then takes his own coat from chair and makes for door) Bramble, [while Swanhopper is thus occupied) Hold, young man, hold ! — it was all a mistake I Idiot that I was ! [rushes to table and seizes bamboo — Swanhopper and Lavender, mistaking Brambleton's intention, rush down stage in violent alarm, one r., the other L. ) ■r^ ' \ [alarmed) Halloa! Bramble, [following up Swanhopper) Oblige me by taking this ALL IN A FOG. 25 hzwA-^OQ)— presents it to Swanhopper — e7iiphaticaUy) and by laying into iiie with all your might and main ! Swan. y r [surprised] What ! Bramble, {imploringly) Now do oblige me, Bobniofiides, just a rap or two ! Swan, [brandishing bamboo, aside) T should rather like to give him one for himself — [aloud, mag7ianimously , as though resisting a strong temptation) No, sir! you are your father's daughter — [throws away stick) I mean your daughter's father! [tableau) Bramble, [with a burst of feeling) Sublime instance of heroic forgiveness I Re-enter Matilda Jane, l. M. Jane, [in a melancholy tone) Before I goes, sir [suddenly catches sight of Lavender — pathetically, aside) Oh them whisk- erseslf [aloud, in great agitation) Before I goes, sir, perhaps you' 11 count the spoons, sir, and examine my box. Swan, T f Examine her box 1 1 Lav. j Bramble, [hurriedly) I shan't examine anything! Where's my daughter? wan. \ [pointing to Matilda Jane) Why, there she is! Bramble, [surprised) That ! that's my housemaid I , ' \ [astounded ) The devil she is ! ! ! Re-enter CiCELY, L. Cicely, [surprised) What's going on now, papa ? Swan. ] D , , , , Lav. \P^'P^!-'! Swan, [astounded) Why, the maid-servant \^ the mistress! Lav. [astounded) Why, the mistress is the maid-servant I Cicely. But what's the matter? Bramble, [to CiCELY, with immense emphasis) The matter is, that everybody is somebody else, and nobody is who he ought to be ! My man-servant [pointing to Swanhopper) turns out to be my son-in-law ! Cicely, [aside, delighted) Oh, how delightful ! Bramble. And vay son-in-law (/(?m//?z^ /ostpaid, to any address, on receipt of the annexed prices. SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. PRICE, 15 CENTS. Eight male, three female characters : Leading comedy, juvenile man, genteel villain, rough villain, light comedy, escaped convict, detective, utility, juvenile lady, leading comedy lady and old woman. Two interior and one landscape scenes. Modern costumes. Time of playing, two hours and a half. The scene of the action is laid on the New Jersey coast. The plot is of absorbing interest, the "business" effective, and the ingenious contrasts of comic and serious situations present a con- tinuous series of surprises for the spectators, whose interest is increasingly maintained up to the final tableau. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. Act I. The Home of the Light-house Keeper. — An autumn afternoon. — The insult. — True to herself. — A fearless heart. —The unwelcome guest. — Only a foundling. — An abuse of confidence. — The new partner. — The compact. — The dead iDTOught to life. — Saved from the wreck. — Legal advice. — Married for money.— A golden chance. — The intercepted letter. — A vision of wealth. — The forgery. — Within an inch of his life. — The rescue, — Tableau. Act II. Scene as befork ; time, night. — Dark clouds gathering. — Changing the jackets. — Father and son. — On duty. — A struggle for fortune. — Loved for himself. — The divided greenbacks. — The agreement. — An unhappy life. — The detective's mis- take. — Arrested. — Mistaken identity. — The likeness again. — On the right track — The accident. — "Will she be saved?" — Latour's bravery. — A noble sacrifice. — The secret meeting. — Another case of mistaken identity. — The murder. — " Who did it?" — The torn cuff. — " There .stands the murderer!" — " 'Tis false!" — The wrong man mur- dered. — Who was the victim? — Tableau. Act III. Two Days Later. — Plot and counterplot. — Gentleman and convict. — The price of her life. — Some new documents. — The divided banknotes. — Sunshine through the clouds. — Prepared for a watery grave — Deadly peril. — Father and daugh- ter, — The rising tide. — A life for a signature. — True unto death. — Saved. — The mys- tery solved. — Denouement, — Tableau, BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. PRICE, 15 CENTS. Eight male, three female, and utility characters : Leading juvenile man, first and .second walking gentleman, two light comrdians (lawyer and foreign adventurer), Dutch and Irish character comedians, villain, soldiers ; leading juvenile lady, walk- ing lady and comedienne. Three interior scenes ; modern and military costumes. Time of playing, two hours and a half. Apart from unusual interest of plot and skill of construction, the play affords an opportunity of representing the progress of a real battle in the distance (though this is not necessary to the action). The comedy business is delicious, if well worked up, and a startling phase of the slavery question is sprung upon the audience in the last act. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. Act I. At Fort Lee, on the Hudson, — News from the war. — The meeting. — The colonePs strange romance. — Departing for the war. — The intrusted packet. — An honest man. — A last request. — Bitter hatred. — The dawn of love. — A northerner's sympathy for the South. — Is he a traitor ? — Held in trust. — La Creole mine for sale. — Financial agents. — A brother's wrong. — An order to cross the enemy's lines. — For- tune's fool. — Love's penalty. — Man's independence. — Strange disclosures. — A sha- dowed life. — Bejrgared in pocket, and bankrupt in love. — His last chance, — The re- fusal. — Turned from home. — Alone, without a name — Off to the war. — Tableau. Act II. On the Battlefield. — An Irishman's philosophy. — Unconscious of d.anger.— Spies in the camp. — The insult. — Risen from the ranks. — The colonel's prej- udice. — Letters from home. — The plot to ruin. — A token of love. — True to him. — The plotters at work. — Breaking the seals. — The meeting of husband and wife. — A forlorn hope. — Doomed as a spy. — A struggle for lost honor. — A soldier's death. — Tableau. Act III. Before Richmond. — The home of Mrs. De Mori. — The two docu- ments. — A little misunderstanding. — A deserted wife. — The truth revealed. — Brought to light. — Mother and child. — Rowena's sacrifice. — The American Eagle spreads his wings. — The spider's web. — True to himself. — The reconciliation, — A long divided home reunited, — The close of the war. — Tableau. Copies mailed^ postpaid ^ to any address., 07i receipt 0/ the annexed prices. NEW ENTE RTA INMENTS. THE JAPANESE WEDDING. A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life,, The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 minutes), with the "tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred. Price, 25 Cents. AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen find Bob Allen, Bob Sawj'er, Mrs. and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents. AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield, Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis, Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but simple ; the dialogue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements and' calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Claus land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos- tunies are simple, the incidental mnsic and drill movements graceful and easilj'' managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents. RECENTLY PUBLISHED. ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux r'zz'rt«/f5-, by Martha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. PART I. -MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction, 12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. PART II.— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- bleaux nnd 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. E^ght male, three female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. E-ght male, three ff'male characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female character-:. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. W^ANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents. THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. %s^ -A ny of the above will be sent by 7nail, postpaid, to any address^ on receipt af the annexed prices. ,^^li HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. HELMER' ACTOR'S MAKE-L jitf Practical and Systematic Guide to the Art , LIBRPRY OF CONGRESS 014 549 850 8 i PRICE, 25 GENTS. With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical "Wigs and Beards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the different features and their management, Typical Character. Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed fOr the USE OF Actors AND Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- men. Copiously Illustrated. CONTENTS. I. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. IL Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe liair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- lated. HL The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed, IV. The Make-up Box. — Grease Paints. Grease paints in sticks; Flesh Cream ; Face Powder; How to -use face powder as a liquid cream; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- mfetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crepe Hair and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's" Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's Grease. Eyebrow Pencils, Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares* Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind- ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or moustache ; How to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- trows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The Ears. The Nose: A Roman nose; How to use the: nose putty; A pug nose ; An African nose ; a large nose apparently reduced in size. The Mouih and Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous mouth ; a satirical mouth ; a one-sided mouth ; a merry mouth ; A sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- ness indicated by wrinkle:;. Shading. A Starving character, A Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. VI. Typical Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth : Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. Chinese, King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. ■Clowns. VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical Wigs and Hair Goods. Sc-nf hy mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, "" 9 Murray Street, Xew York.