NO ^t.AYS exciianq£:d. i'5 Edition Tjf PL7\Y3 ^^ scenes in a Restaurant Price, 25 Cents M eiOpyRiGHT, fsea, by walter h. baker a. co. Class YSc-35 Copyright 1^?.^ COPYRIGHT DEPOSITS Scenes in a Restaurant An Entertainment in One Act By JESSIE A. KELLEY Author of ''The Pedlers' Parade^' ''Squire Judkin's Apple Bee^'' "Miss Prim's Kindergarten^' "The Village Post- Office:;' "Our Church Fair," etc. • BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1909 Scenes in a Restaurant CHARACTERS T& ^ ^ , < Mr. Jones, head waiter. , ^ ^ IN Jennie ) ., ' i^r \ waitresses. Mary ) Mr. Rice, a mean man. Mr. Foss, who has a plan. Mrs. Brett. Mrs. Dacey. Mrs. Slack, deafy middle-aged and stout. Miss Drew. Mr. Rich Mr. Jackson Reuben Grass, from the country Mandy Clover, his best girl. Mrs. Smiley, an indulgent mother. Maud, her daughter ; a spoiled child. Beggar. Mr. Delaney ) , TV, TT r drummers. Mr. Hazleton j Mr. Hall, a health crank. James, his servant. Mr. Monroe, a chronic kicker. Hiram Greenback, /rt';;/ way back. Mary Ann, his wife. Mr. Casey ) • 7 , /■ t 1 j Mr. Mahoney } right from Ireland. [■ actors. Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. ©OLD 1729f> ^ STAGE SETTING No curtain is necessary. Stage should be arranged to rep- resent restaurant with small tables, chairs and weighing ma- chine, and numerous signs, such as, " Coffee, such as mother used to make," " Shadow soup," "Try our faith sandwiches," "Don't forget to get weighed," "Tip the waiter," "Chicken served in the shell," etc., etc., should be hung on the walls. Orders should be .given at a slide, if one can be arranged ; if not, a door will answer. COSTUMES Mr. Jones should wear either a dress suit or a white linen coat ; Jennie and Mary, caps and aprons ; Mrs. Slack, bon- net and shawl rather out of style ; Mr. Rich and Mr. Jack- son, flashily dressed ; Rube, pants and coat, sleeves too short, flaring tie, very old-fashioned derby hat ; Mandy, cheap, showy dress and hat ; Hiram and wife, old-fashioned country dress; Hiram carries large carpetbag; Mrs. Smiley, very stylish ; Maud, elaborately dressed ; Mr. Delaney and Mr. Hazleton, in latest style ; Beggar, very ragged ; Casey and Mahoney, overalls and brogans. Others, ordinary costumes. NOTES Give jokes and stories slowly. Local jokes and conun- drums, which always take, may be readily added. A man or child might come in from the street to play or sing and pass around a hat for a collection. The cast of characters may be shortened if desired, as one person could take more than one part. Scenes in a Restaurant SCENE. — A restaurant, as described in note on page 3. (Jennie arid Mary discovered setting tables.^ Jennie. Say, Mary, have you noticed that dandy-looking feller that's been in here for dinner the last two days ? Mary. No, I don't take much notice of those young dudes. TheyVe too much stuck on themselves, and they're not half as flush with their tips as the old fogies are. The young sports expect you to wait on them by inches, and think if they just condescend to smile on you and call you " dear" that you're tickled to death to run your legs off for them. Give me the old covies every time. They don't get so many smiles, so they appreciate it when a good-looking waiter like me beams on them. Makes them think they're charming yet, and they go down into their pockets for a good-sized tip. Jen. ingoing to glass, fixing collar, belt and hair'). You may have your old men. None for me, thank you. Do you think my hair is becoming this way ? {Enter Mr. Jones.) Mr. Jones. Less primping and more work, girls. Hurry up and finish setting these tables. It's most time for the noon rush. {Walks very bow-legged to tables.) Here, you, Jennie, look at these sugar bowls. — All empty. Fill them up at once ; and you, Mary, attend to these salt and pepper dishes. ( Walks around room very bow-legged. Mary keeps just behind him imitating his walk, while Jen., slyly watching, is almost con- vulsed with laughter. Enter Mr. Rice.) Right this way, mister. You're just in time to avoid the rush. The early bird catches the worm, you know. Mr. Rice. I'm not looking for worms at present; had enough of those in the oatmeal I had for breakfast. Jones. Kindly step over to the scales, sir. Rice. The scales? What for? 6 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Jones. To be weighed, sir. We charge on the before and after plan here. Weigh you before and after eating, and charge according to the difference in weight. Rice. Huh, guess I'll fill up on something light. Wonder how feathers would do for a filler. (Jones writes weight in book, shows him to seat ; Jen. and Mary each try to get the other to wait on him.) Jen. {to Mary). You've got to take his order. He's not young and handsome enough for me. Mary. No, he's not old enough for me, and I know he's a mean old curmudgeon by the cut of his jibs. I'd Uke to fill him up on feathers. Jones. Jennie, take this gentleman's order at once. (Jen. makes tip face slyly, then very smilifigly goes to table, ha fids him bill of fare, stands behind him.) Rice {reading very slowly). Shadow soup, that ought not to weigh much, — bread — depends on whether it's the soggy kind or not — don't dare risk it — might weigh like lead — pie — pie — wonder if it would be safe to order that — roast beef — no- rice — that sounds light — oh, here you are — floating island. If a thing floats it must be light. Waiter, what is this shadow soup? Jen. It's soup, sir, that we hang a chicken in the sun and let its shadow fall in the pot. Very rich and nourishing, and very light weight, sir. (Winks at Mary.) Rice. I'll have a plate of that and some of the floating island. (Jen. gives order.) Jen. Faith soup and raft on waters. Enter Mr. Foss. Jones. Let me take your coat and hat, mister. Step right up here, sir. Mr. Foss. What's that for ? Jones. To know how to charge. You see we weigh you when you come in, again when you go out, find the difference and charge so much per pound. Fairest way in the world, sir. Foss. Great idea ! Best plan I ever heard of. Just as you say, the fairest way in the world. {Takes off gloves, puts in SCENES IN A RESTAURANT ' 7 pocket, pulls out letter.') There, I've forgoLten lo mail that letter for my wife. Must run out and do it at once. Will bo back in a minute. Great idea ! Yes, sir, great idea ! \_Exit Foss. (Rice's order taken to him by Jen.) Rice. I think I'll have this soup weighed. Jen. We weigh jc// after you eat it. Rice. 1 want to know beforehand what my bills are, (Jen. takes soup to scales. Rice follows, examines scales critically.) Jen. Just half a pound, mister. Rice. It didn't go quite half a pound, about seven and fifteen-sixteenths ounces. How much would that cost ? Jen. Mr. Jones, what would seven and fifteen-sixteenths ounces of shadow soup before eating cost? {To Rice.) I'm not used to this way of reckoning, mister. Jones {coming to scales). Well, I don't know rightly whether shadow soup swells or shrinks in the eating. Dried apples swell. {Exatnines soup.) Macaroni in that soup. That swells, too. Guess we ought to call it nine ounces. That would be, let me see, three cents an ounce, nine times three is twenty-seven. Twenty-seven cents, sir. Rice. Dreadful high. Haven't you anything that wouldn't weigh so heavy ? Jones. Lightest thing there is, sir. Rice. I suppose I'll have to take it then. Now weigh the floating island. (Jen. brings floating island to scales.) Jen. Two pounds, sir. Rice. Two pounds ! What did you say you called it? Jen. Floating island. Rice, floating island. Dismal swamp would be more ap- propriate. Take it away. It would swamp my pocketbook if I ate it. I'll eat just shadow soup for dinner. They say you always ought to get up from the table feeling hungry. Jen. {aside). He's too mean to live. He wouldn't give any one a tip, but I'll have some fun with the old miser. (Rice goes back to table, eats sojip. Foss enters.) Foss. Now I'm all ready to be weighed. 8 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Jones. All right, sir. ( IVeighs ; looks Foss over, 7veighs again.') These scales must be wrong, sir. You don't look like a man that weighs two hundred and twenty pounds. Foss. My looks are deceiving. People always get fooled when they guess my weight. Those fellows who guess weights around at fairs get left when they strike me. I'm hungry and ready for a good, big dinner. (^Waiter sJioivs him to table ; Mary takes order. Foss to Mary.) I'll keep you busy for a while. I want about everything you've got on the books. Mary {aside'). Guess I've struck it rich this time. {Aloud.) Yes, sir ; will you begin with soup — tomato or chicken ? Tomato is lighter, sir. Foss. Oh, I don't care about the weight. I'm going to have what I want to eat, anyway. Bring me a plate of chicken soup first while I study the bill of fare. (Mary gives order. Foss takes sto?ie frotn pocket, holds it in hand, estimating weight.) Don't believe that soup can weigh more than that. I'll take that one and put it under the table. Soup in, stone out. (Mary brings soup. Foss reads bill of fare.) Bring me some lobster salad, baked halibut, creamed potatoes, hot rolls, coffee. That'll do for a starter. Mary. Yes, sir. {Aside.) Guess he must be a millionaire. {Gives order.) Jen. Wish I'd struck him. You'll get a good big tip there all right. Rice {to Jen.). I think you allowed a little too much for the swelling of that macaroni. I've been doing a little reckon- ing while I've been eating, and I think eight and twenty-five twenty-eighths ounces is all you ought to charge for. That would be twenty-five and three-fourths cents. Here's twenty- six cents. You may have the extra quarter cent for yourself, although I don't believe in tipping. It's a bad practice, a very bad practice. [Exit Rice. Jen. I thought I'd have some fun with him, but he took niy breath away. No need for me to work any more after such a tip as that. Guess I'll resign and buy an automobile. Quarter of a cent ! Where's the axe ? Enter Mrs. Brett and Mrs. Dacey. They get weighed. Mrs. Brett. Now, I am going to pay for the lunch. Mrs. Dacey. No, indeed, you are not, Mrs. Brett. It's my turn to pay. SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 9 Mrs. B. I couldn't think of such a thing. You know I asked you to come with me. Jen. (^aside'). They might both pay if they're so anxious to. I could find a use for the extra chink. Mrs. B. What will you have, Mrs. Dacey ? Mrs. D. Oh, just a cup of tea and a sandwich. I'm a very small eater. Mrs. B. So am I. I'll have the same, two cups of tea and two sandwiches. Mrs. D. Can you tell me why a young lady and a door- knob and a sandwich are alike? Mrs. B. No, I can't say I do see any very striking resem- blance between a young lady, a door-knob, and a sandwich. You'll have to tell me. Mrs. D. a young lady is something to adore, a door-knob is something to a door. Mrs. B. But the sandwich ? Mrs. D. That's what you bite at. Jen. Anything more, ladies? Mrs. B. Nothing. Jen. Guess she doesn't intend to break the bank. Perhaps the poor woman's husband is one of the kind that asks her where that two cents is that he gave her week before last. (Jen. gives order. Foss's order arrives. Mary fakes it to him.') Mary. Pie or pudding, sir? Foss. Don't hurry me, don't hurry me. I'm not ready for that yet a while. I've only just begun. Bring me roast tur- key, roast beef, lamb, a sirloin steak, with potatoes, onions, squash, celery and cranberry sauce. Mary. Yes, sir. (Aside.) He's sure a multimillionaire. Guess I'll give him my sweetest smile. (Foss takes dish of lobster salad in one hand, stone out of pocket in other.) Foss. Guess those weigh about the same. Stone weighs fully as much. I'll put that one under the table. Stone out, salad in. (Takes Jip halibut.) Pretty heavy stuff. (Takes one stone out of pocket, balances in one hand.) Not quite heavy enough. (Takes out larger stotie.) Too heavy. (Takes out third.) Just about right. (Puts stone under table.) Stone out, halibut in. Even, so far, Great idea ! 10 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT (Tries rest of food in same way, puititig stone under table for each, being careful not to let waiters see what he is doing. Orders brought to Mrs. B. and Mrs. D., who are busily talking.) Enter Mrs. Slack, with ear-trumpet. Jones. Step on the scales, madam, and get weighed. Mrs. Slack (^putting up trumpet). What say? Jones {^yelling in trumpet). Weigh ! Weigh ! I want to weigh you. Mrs. Slack. Look here, young man, can't you speak no louder than that? It's no more than the humming of a mos- quito. Jones {taking long breath). Want to weigh you. Weigh ! Mrs. Slack. No, I don't want no hay. I ain't a horse. Jones. I — want — you — to — step — on — these — scales — to — see — how — heavy — you — are. Weigh ! — Weigh ! Mrs. Slack. He seems bound I'll have some hay. I've heern tell as how they called shredded wheat biscuit baled hay sometimes. Perhaps that's what he means. No, I don't care for them. I'd jest as soon eat sawdust. Jones {taking her by arm, leads her to scales, goes through motions of weighing, yelling in trumpet). I want to weigh you. Mrs. Slack. Oh, dew tell. My darter told me to be sure to get weighed if I got a chance, but not to get on one of them ere slot machines, fer they lied wuss than men, and that's use- less. I've seen lots of men that would ruther lie than tell the truth any time. Be this a slot machine? Jones. No, madam. Mrs. Slack. Hey? Jones {yelling in trumpet). It is not. Mrs. Slack. A slot? Then I won't get on the pesky thing. Jones {in trumpet). It — is — not — a — slot — machine. {Aside.) Wish it was and I could put you in the slot. Mrs. Slack. Oh, well, I reckon I'll be weighed then. {Steps on very cautiously.) It won't break, will it? {Scales creak a little and Mrs. Slack wildly grasps Jones.) Oh, save me, save me ! Jones. You are perfectly safe. Please disengage me. One hundred and seventy-five pounds. Mrs. Slack. Don't mutter so. Can't you open your mouth SCENES IN A RESTAURANT II when you talk? You'd better practice saying " Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." What was it you said ? Jones. One hundred and seventy-five. Mrs. Slack. Yes, I think 1 shall survive, but it was a dread- ful shock, and I shall sue the company if it brings on my rheu- matiz ag'in. You haven't told me how much I weigh. Sally Ann will ask me fust thing. Jones. One — hundred — and — seventy-five — pounds. {Aside. ~) You old haddock. Mrs. Slack. Dew tell. I'm a-growin' stout I dew believe. Well, give me something to eat. I'm not a-goin' to starve my- self fer the sake of lookin' willery and wearin' sheath gowns. {Sits at table ; Jen. takes order.') I'll have corned beef, cab- bage, turnip, potatoes, two good big ones ; I think a sight of my potatoes ; a cup of coffee and a piece of mince pie. Per- haps that will keep me from feeling faint until I get home. {Settles herself comfortably. Unties bonnet. Mary brings roast turkey, etc., to Foss. He tries each article, dis- carding stone for each.) Foss. Great idea ! Weighed before and after. Best plan I ever heard of. Think it will be the cheapest dinner I ever ate if my plans work well. Enter Miss Drew; gets weighed ; Mary takes order. Miss Drew. I'd like an oyster stew. Very hot, please. Mary. Yes, ma'am. Anything more ? Miss D. Nothing more. (Mary gives Miss D.'s order. Jen. brings order to Mrs. Slack.) Mrs. Slack {to Jen.). You look as if a little corn beef and cabbage would do you good. Better set right down and have a little with me; 'twon't cost you nothin'. Jen. (/// a disdainful manner). I do not care for any. Mrs. Slack. Hey? (Jen. walks away in disgust.) She's kinder stuck up, I reckon. Looks as if she hadn't had a square meal fer some time though. Ruther put her money on her back than in her stomach, I cal'late. Takes all kinds to make a world though. I'm a-goin' to hev what I want to eat anyway if I can't dress in sich style. I've worn this bonnet nigh onto twenty year and there ain't a li SCENES IN A RESTAURANT hole in it yit. My old grandmother used to say we would all be rich if it wa'n't fer our backs and stomachs, and truer words were never spoke. (Mrs. B. a7id Mrs. D. go to scales.') Mrs. B. You get weighed first, Mrs. Dacey. Mrs. D. Oh, no, you first, Mrs. Brett. Jones. Hurry up, ladies. Time's valuable here. (Jones weighs them, consults book.) Mrs. D. Isn't this the cutest idea? Jones. Forty cents for both. Mrs. B. ) t. • ^ ^i,- .• Mrs. D. \ ^ ^°"^S '° P^y *^'^ ^^"^^■ (^Each waits for the other to pay.) Mrs. B. Well, if you insist you may pay your own. {Each pays Jones.) Mrs. D. {aside). She had no intention of paying for me. Mean old skinflint ! I've paid for her several times. Suppose she thought she could work it again by offering to pay both, but I'm on to her tricks. \_Exeiint Mrs. B. and Mrs. D. Jen. Need never expect a tip from a woman. (Mary brings order to Miss D. Miss D. takes up spoonful but drops it suddenly and falls back in chair. ) Mary. Are you ill, madam ? (Jen. and Jones both rush to her. Jones gets fan and fans vigorously. Miss D. sits tip.) Jones. Are you better now ? What was the trouble ? Miss D. Oh, such a shock ! Jones. Shock ! What shock ? Miss D. {holding up one small oyster). I — found — this — oyster — an — oyster — in — my — stew. Jones. Very sorry, madam ; we'll try not to let it happen again. Girls, be more careful in the future. Foss. Waiter, here, waiter, (Mary goes to him.) I'll have mince pie, plum pudding, cake, ice cream, crackers, cheese and coffee. SCENES IN A RESTAURANT I3 Mary. Yes, sir. (Aside.') He's a billionaire at the very least. Won't he just tip those scales? Hope he'll tip me as well. (Mary gives order. Mr. Delaney and Mr. Hazleton enter. Jen. rushes up to them.') Jen. (/^ Mary). My kind. (Drummers get weighed.) Mr. Hazleton. New kind of an arrangement. Mr. Delaney. Yes, have to go easy. Live on faith. (7> Jen.) I'll have a faith roast-beef sandwich. Hazleton. What on earth is that ? Delaney. You know you have the bread but you have to turn on the faith when you want to find the beef. Hazleton. None for mine. Bring me a sirloin steak, Brussels sprouts and baked potatoes. Delaney. I'll have roast lamb. (Jen. gives order. Mary brings order to Foss.) Fobs (lifting pie and pudding). Whew, these weigh heavy. Hope my supply of rocks will hold out. (Tries each with stone as before.') Mary. Anything more, mister? Foss. I'll let you know after I finish this course. Don't trouble me now. Mary (aside). Isn't it funny how much larger some peo- ple are inside than they appear to be from the outside ? Mrs, Slack. Waiter, hi, there, waiter. (Jones goes to her.) I'm jest about roasted to death. Open that window or I'll suffocate. Miss D. Waiter, if that window is opened I shall freeze to death. (Jones looks from one to the other in bewilderment, finally goes over to drummers^ table.) Jones. Say, gentlemen, what would you do ? Hazleton. Do ? Why, man, that's dead easy. Open the window first and freeze one, then close it and suffocate the other. ( Waiter opens window a little.) Miss D. Some folks have no regard for other people's com- fort. I shall leave at once. (Starts to go out.) 14 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Jones. You'll have to get weighed and pay your bill before you leave. Miss D. You ought not to have a cent. I shall report you. (She gets weighed.') Jones. Fifty cents, please. Miss D. Here's your money but you'll hear from me. {Aside.) That's a counterfeit half dollar, so he needn't think he's got ahead of me. \_Exii Miss D. (Jen. brings order to drummers.) Delaney (to Jen.). I understand you have a new cook here. Is she a good one ? Jen. She says she's "had fourteen years' inexperience, and hain't pizoned nobody yet." Guess she's had the inexperience all right, wouldn't swear to the pizoning part. She's a spiritualist. Hazleton. a spiritualist? Then 1 suppose everything will be medium done. (Laughter.) Delanev. Where's that pretty red-headed girl that used to be here ? Jen. Oh, she got bounced. Customers said she was too slow filling orders. Took so long to get things that when they ordered veal it arrived full grown beef. Delaney (holding up piece of lamb). "The lambkin skipped about the fields, In light and careless glee. His conscience felt no twinge of blame, So innocent was he. But news of what they charge for meat Unto that lambkin came ; And then that stricken creature blushed And hung his head in shame." Hazleton. He had more conscience than the market men, hadn't he ? Jen. (to Hazleton). How did you find your steak, mister ? Hazleton. By perseverance. Perseverance conquers all. It was hiding under this Brussels sprout but I tracked him down and captured him. Here it is. (Holds up very small bit of meat.) Going, going, gone. (Swallows steak.) .SCENES IN A RESTAURANT I5 Enter Mandy Clover a//^ Reuben Grass holding hands . Mandy. It looks kinder sorter nice in here. Let's eat here. See, it says {spelling out sigti) T-a-b-1-e-s tables r-e-s-e- r-v-e-d reserved f-o-r for 1-a-d-i-e-s ladies. Rube. Drat it all, Mandy, don't ye want me to set at the same table with ye ? Mandy. Perhaps that nice lookin' gentleman will let us set together if we ask him reel polite like. Rube {going up to Jones). Say, mister, couldn't me and my best gal set at the same table if we didn''- :Io no spoonin' ? Jones. I think I can arrange it for ^ou. Just walk this way first. (Jones walks very bow-legged toward scales. Rube looks at him in wonder. ) Rube. I swow, Mandy, I do hate to walk like that 'fore all these folks, but I'm bound to set with you, so here goes. {Follows Jones, walking very bow-legged. Other customers laugh heartily.^ Come on, Mandy. Jones. Step on here, please ; the lady first. Rube {grabbing Mandy). No, don't you do it, Mandy. It's one of them 'ere pesky blow-up things. Mandy, I'm afeered we've got into some hall of anarchy that I read about in that paper my uncle sent us from Bosting. Jones. It is perfectly harmless, just a weighing machine. Step on quickly, madam. (Mandy puts one foot on cautiously, takes it off quickly.^ Mandy. I'm afeered to. Rube. Jones. It is perfectly safe, madam. Rube. Go ahead, Mandy, you try it first, and '\\ it don't hurt you none I'll risk it. (Mandy, after several frightened attempts, steps on and is weighed.') I'm a sight heavier than she is. Do you s'pose the thing will break down when I step on it ? Jones. No danger of it. Rube. Mandy, here's my jack-knife. If I blow up in a thousand pieces I want you to hev that to remember me by. (Rube steps on very gingerly, stands on tip-toe, holding breath.) l6 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Jones. All right. Now you may sit at the same table if you wish. (^Shows them to seats.) Rube. Wall, 'twas a trying ordeel, but 'twas wuih it. Give me your hand under the tablecloth and I can give it a squeeze when that chap is a-lookin' the other way. They don't git ahead of us if we do cum from the country, do they, Mandy ? Mary (Jo Mandy). Is any one waiting on you, miss ? Mandy. Wall, I ruther reckon there be. Rube Grass here has bin my steady for more'n two year, and you needn't be makin' sheep's eyes at him nuther, I've heerd how these city gals tried to make love to every handsome man they see. Don't you take no notice of her, Rube. Mary. What would you like to eat ? Rube. Somethin' cheap. We're not goin' to blow in all our money to-day 'cause there's a circus comin' to our town next month. Got to save some to buy peanuts. Mandy. Soup's cheap, ain't it ? Mary. Yes, it's light. We charge by weight here. You will be weighed again when you go out and charged for as much as you have increased in weight. Rube. Wall, I swow, if thet ain't the beatinest way, and I vum, I stood on tip-toe on that dratted thing and made myself jest as light as I could. I s'pose they'll push me down good and hard when I go out. 'Tain't fair. Wish I'd 'a' known it. Wall, Mandy, let's have something rich if it does cost a heap of money. We're in for it now. Bring us two plates of bean soup and two hunks of pie. (M-kvci gives order.) Jen. [to drummers). Won't you have some of the latest thing on your meat ? Hazleton. What's that? Jen. Horseless horse-radish. Hazleton. None for me. Got any Apollinaris ? Jen. (^hesitating). No — but we've got oatmeal and hominy. Hazleton. That won't fill the bill. I'd like some poached eggs, but I'm afraid of them. Heard the story, haven't you, of the careful traveler who ordered poached eggs at a hotel, thinking they were always safe? The waiter went into the kitchen to get them and the traveler heard the breaking of an egg, a second, a third, two more, and as the sound of break- ing eggs continued he began to wonder. Finally the waiter SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 1 7 came back and said, "Say, mister, how would an omelet do instead ? ' ' Delaney. Suppose he decided he didn't feel very much like omelet that day. (Mary brings order to Rube and Mandy.) Rube. Now, jest duff in, Mandy, it looks lappin' good. Mandy. Thet blueberry pie looks nice, but I alius make mine with two crusts. Mary {waving ha?id over pie'). Shoo ! shoo ! That isn't blueberry, it's custard. Mandy. Sakes alive, if them ain't flies instead of blue- berries. Rube. Thicker'n they be to home, ain't they, Mandy ? (Rube and Mandy tip plates to get soup, eat pie i?i hands, cast loving glances at one another, etc.) Mrs. Slack (Jo Jones). I've hed a reel good, satisfyin' dinner, and I'd feel reel contented like if I didn't have to step on that 'ere contraption ag'in. Couldn't you cal'late how much that dinner oughter weigh ? Jones. It's against the rules. Mrs. Slack {angrily). Don't be a-callin' yer betters fools, young man. I ain't no fool if I did come from the country, and I won't take none of yer sass either. I could turn you right over my checkered apron. Done it many a time to my own boys, and they're bigger'n you be. Jones {screaming in trumpet). I say it's against the rules. Mrs. Slack. Hey? Jones {wiping face with handkerchief). It's against the rules, rules, rules. Mrs. Slack. Oh, dew tell. Why didn't ye say so at fust, 'stead of callin' me a fool? {Gets on scales.) Jones. Seventy-five cents. Mrs. Slack. "She sells sea shells " is another good thing fer you to keep saying to learn ye to speak plain. How much did you say ? Jones. Seventy-five cents. Mrs. Slack [hutiting for pocket in petticoat, pulls out dilapidated pocketbook and at last finds a nickel). Here's your nickel and a penny fer yourself. P'r'aps you'd like a Stick of molasses candy. That dinner was cheap enough and 1 8 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT reel good. Come down and see us some time at pig-killing time and I'll show you what a reel good meal of vittles is. Jones {casting despairing look around, taking long breath and yelling in trumpet^. I said seventy-five cents — seventy- five. Mrs. Slack. You don't mean to say you want seventy-five cents fer a biled dinner ? I jest call that downright robbery and I shan't pay, so there. Here's twenty-five cents and that's too much. Jones. You must pay the seventy-five cents. Mrs. Slack. Who says I must ? Do you think a little whippersnapper like you can make me pay it ? Jones. I'll call in the police. Mrs. Slack. Yes, you'd better make peace. Wall, I'll for- give you this time. Children do git obstreperous sometimes. Jones. I'll call the police and have you arrested. Mary, ring the bell for the police. Mrs. Slack. The perlice ! I don't want my picter in the rogues' gallery, so take yer old seventy-five cents, but I tell you right now, I'll never come to your old place ag'in and I expect to hear of you bein' behind prison bars very soon for defrauding innercent people from the country. [Goes out shaking fist and muttering.') Hazleton {to Jen.). Bring us apple pie and cheese. (Jen. gives order.) Delaney. Speaking of eggs makes me think of an egg ex- perience I had. I had a dreadful cold one time so I mixed up some quinine and molasses and rolled them into pills. I put them on the piazza, in the sun, to dry. When I went to get them I found my old pet hen just swallowing the last one. Hazleton. Perhaps she had a cold, too. Delaney. I expected her head would split open, but she just commenced cackling, and has laid two eggs a day ever since. And, say, do you know those eggs are the best cure for a cold that I ever tried. One of them will break up the worst cold ever known and they're dead sure for fever, ague and malaria. I keep that hen supplied with quinine, now I tell you. Hazleton. Belong to the Ananias club, do you ? Delaney. No, I don't. Hazleton. You'd better join. You're eligible for mem- bership and they'd soon want you for president. Can you tell SCENES m A RESTAURANT 1^ me what great poem an egg on a music stool would remind you of? Delaney. What great poem an egg on a music stool would remind you of? {Thinks.) No, can't tell. Hazleton. Lay of the Last Minstrel, of course. Delaney. Try your brain on this. When was fruit known to use bad language ? Hazleton. When was fruit known to use bad language ? That's easy. When the first apple cursed the first pear (pair). (Jen. brings pie and cheese.^ Delaney. I wish you didn't have such affectionate pies here, Jennie. Jen. Them ain't affectionate pies — that's apple, just what you ordered. Delaney. They're surely very affectionate. Why, the apples are so scarce that the crusts are dead stuck on each other. Hazleton. Say, girl, what's the matter with that cheese? It's walking off, (^Cheese should be fixed in some way so it can be moved around table.') Delaney. Well, if that doesn't beat the Dutch. Catch it before it leaves the room. Jen. Oh, that's nothing. It's only a little buggy. Hazleton (^piling dishes on top of cheese). There, now we've got you. Makes me think of an experience 1 had with the meanest hotel keeper I ever heard of. I stayed at his place all night, had supper there and the food was so bad I had nightmare all night and the bed was full of bugs. In the morning I told him about my nightmare and the bugs. When he handed me my bill he had added two dollars for a horse and buggy. " Where does the horse come in ? I haven't had any horse," I said. "Didn't you say you had a night-mare? " says he. Delaney. Pretty good. Hazleton. "Yes," I said, "but buggy; how do you ac- count for that? " " The bed," he calmly answered and I paid the bill. Foss (rising slowly, says to Mary). Think I shall have to finish next time. I seem to have lost my appetite since I came in here. Suppose next thing is to get weighed again. 20 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Mary {pery attentive). Yes, sir. Can I do anything for you, sir ? Foss. No, nothing more this time. Mary. Have you forgotten anything, sir? Foss {looking). No, here are my gloves, coat and hat. Mary {looking under dishes on table). Are you sure you haven't forgotten something? Foss. Not a thing. {Goes to scales.) Mary. He isn't going to give me a cent after all of that. I hope he'll have the colic. Jones. Right this way, mister. {Aside.) Fine big bill this will be. Worth a dozen ordinary customers. (Foss steps on scales ; Jones weighs, consults book, weighs again, consults book.) I don't understand. Didn't 1 say you weighed two hundred and twenty pounds when you came in ? Foss. Yes, those were the figures. Jones. But now you only weigh one hundred and sixty pounds. How do you account for that ? Foss. Don't know, but it's a poor rule that doesn't wojk both ways. If I gain in weight I pay you so much per pound for the gain so of course if I lose weight by eating your food you pay me so much a pound. I'll settle for five dollars. Jones. Pay you five dollars ? Foss. Yes ; what would you have charged if I had gained the sixty pounds ? Jones. About thirty dollars. Foss. Well, you see how cheap I am letting you off. Hurry up, I've got to catch my train. Qo'ti^.s gives him five dollars. Foss, aside.) Worked better than I thought. A bang-up dinner and five dollars in my inside pocket. Great idea ! Fairest way in the world. " [Exit Foss. (Jones goes over to drummers.) Jones. Did you ever hear of such a curious thing ? I can't understand it. Delaney. Look under his table and you will. (Jones goes to table, takes out stone after stone and piles in centre of stage.) Jones. Well, I don't wonder he weighed heavy when he came in and light when he went out. First time I ever had that trick played on me. SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 21 Hazleton. Wasn't smart enough for him, were you ? Enter Mrs. Smiley and daughter. Mrs. S. gets weighed. Mrs. Smiley. Now, you get on, Maudie, dear. Maud {stamping foot). I won't. I don't want to. Mrs. S. Oh, yes, you get on like a nice little girl, and mamma will give you ten cents. Maud. I won't unless you give me twenty-five cents. Mrs. S. All right, darling, here it is. (Maud gets weighed ; both seated. Mrs. S., to Mary.) I would love to have some mushrooms, but I'm so afraid of getting toadstools. I wish I knew a way to tell the difference. Mary. I know a sure way, madam. Mrs. S. Do tell me. Mary. Eat them. If you live they're mushrooms, if you die they're toadstools. Mrs. S. Oh, thank you, I'm so glad to know that. Maudie, what do you want ? Maud. I want a tough sirloin steak and a jam tart. Mrs. S. Why do you want a tough sirloin steak ? Maud. 'Cause if it's tender you'll swipe it all. Mrs. S. Why, my little darhng ! {To Mary.) Bring a steak, a jam tart, some rolls, a cup of coffee and a glass of milk. (Mary gives order.') Hazleton. Heard about the order for dinner the foreman of the jury gave in that case last week ? Delaney. No ; that brain-storm case ? Hazleton. Yes, the jury had been out three days, and all but one agreed on the verdict. He wouldn't give in a mite. When the court officer came the third day to ask if he should order the twelve dinners as usual, the foreman replied, "No, make it eleven dinners and a bale of hay." Delaney. What was the hay for ? Hazleton. The mule, of course. Delaney. This was a pretty good dinner. Great dinner we had at the club the other night, wasn't it ? Hazleton. Fine ; that canvas back duck was great. Delaney. I didn't think it came up to the quail or wood- cock though. {To Jen.) What kind of a bird do you like best, Jennie? Jen. The American eagle served on a silver dollar suits me all right. 11 SCENilS IN A feESTAURANt (^Laughter . ) Hazleton {giving her silver dollar'). All right, here you are. Suppose you get all sorts of tips ? Jen. Yes ; I got the queerest one the other day from an old man who has taken his meals here ever since I've been here. I had always waited on him, and the other day he said, "I am going to reward you for your faithful services." I thought I was going to get a tenner sure, but he went on : " Yes, Jen- nie, 1 am going to name the new bug I have recently discov- ered after you." Delaney. Great honor. You will soon be a famous woman. Ha, ha, the Jennie bug. Good-bye. {D rummers get weighed and pass out. Mary brings order to Mrs. S.) Mrs. S. What a beautiful color this coffee is ! (Tastes.) And such an elegant flavor. Of course it is pure. One feels so safe since the pure food laws have been passed. Mary {aside). I should smile. Mebbe the boss didn't have a time getting that "beautiful color." (^Imitates Mrs. S.'s tone.) Had to search every drug store in town. Enter otie-armed Beggar. Beggar (Jo Jones). If you please, sir, I've lost my arm. Jones. Well, I ain't got it. Beggar. Couldn't you give me a meal, sir? Jones. No; I'm on to you. You eat all you can get, then go out and tell folks the place is on the pig ; and it is ; it's on you, all right. Beggar. Gimme a job advertisin' yer place, won't yer? Jones. Great ad you'd be; a hungry, lean, lank creature like you. Beggar. That's jest the point. Get some cards printed for me to wear on my back, saying I don't dine at yer place. Mrs. S. Here, I'll give you a dime, not because I think you deserve it, but because it pleases me. Beggar. Couldn't yer make it a quarter, lady, and thor- oughly enjoy yourself? Jones, You get out of here, quick. (Kicks him out the door.) Rube. Well, I'm full as a tick. Let's be goin', Mandy. SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 23 Mandy. - All right, Rube. (Picking fingers.^ I'm all through. I'd like to get the rule fer that custard pie. Rube. Be past milkin' time 'fore I get home, and all those hogs '11 be all-fired hungry. (They go to scales.^ Now, Mandy, step on that 'ere machine ez light as ye kin this time. This trip will cost me a powerful sight of money, anyway. (Mandy steps on very softly, stands on tiptoe.') Jones. Twenty cents for her. Rube. By gosh ! [Steps on scales in same way.') Jones. Same for you. Forty cents in all. Rube. Jerusalem crickets ! Forty cents fer a dinner for two. I've alius heerd tell thet a fool and his money soon parted, and by gummy, I believe it now. Come on, Mandy, I'll git you home 'fore I'm clean broke. Guess we'll have to do without the peanuts and pink lemonade at the circus after this blow-out. (Rube winks at Mary slyly.) Mandy. I saw you winkin' at that bold thing. {Takes him by ear.) You jest get out of here ez quick as you can 'fore she mercerizes you any more. \_Exeunt Rube awrt^ Mandy. Mrs. S. (to Mary). This milk is very poor. It's half water I should think. Mary. It's because the cows don't get enough grass feed this time of year. (Winks at Jen. and drimimers.) But the cows feel as sorry about it as we do, ma'am. I've actually seen those cows crying about it, lady. Mrs. S. Well, please ask them not to drop their tears into the milk-pail hereafter. Enter Mr. Rich and Mr. Jackson ; they are weighed and take seats. Mr. Rich (to Jen.). What kinds of breakfast food have you? Jen. Breakfast food? Oh, yes, we've got apple, squash, mince and custard. Rich. Whew, I forgot this is New England, the great pie belt of the nation. Mr. Jackson (aside to Rich). I'm going to puzzle her on the orders now. (Aloud.') Waiter, I'll have a door-step and a bag of mystery. 24 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Jen. How, sir? Jackson. A door-step and a bag of mystery. Jen. Oh, yes, sir ; you mean sausage and bread. Rich. Didn't work that time. I'll try. Waiter, bring me Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them. Jen. Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them. All right, sir ; meaning poached eggs on toast with the yolks broken. Anything else ? Would you like some eggs scrambled ? Jackson. No; I've no doubt they're quite old enough to scramble themselves. {Reads sign.) " Coffee such as mother used to make'." Is that so, waiter? Jen. That's what they say, sir. Jackson. Then I think I'll have a cup of tea instead, and say, I'd like a good steak if it isn't too high. Rich. Know why the farmers say beef is too high ? Jackson. No; on account of the price of grain? Rich. No; pastures all cut up into golf links. Critters can't get anything to eat. I'll have a chicken pie, waiter. (Jen. gives order. Maud drops fork.') Mrs. S. (to Mary). Waiter ! Waiter ! Mary. What is it, madam ? Mrs. S. Maudie has dropped her fork. Pick it up for her at once. Mary. Well, I vow, if she's too lazy to pick up her fork it can stay there. I won't touch it. {Aside.) Little imp ! I'm not going to wait on her. Enter Mr. Hall with servant carrying screen. Jones. Step on the scales, mister. Mr. Hall {turni?tg up coat collar). It's a dreadful draughty place here. James (to servant), fix that screen around me while I get weighed, or I shall have a chill. (James ^^t^j- screen on one side.) I feel a draught on this side now. (James rear- ranges screen.) I feel it right on my neck now. (James again changes screen.) My big toes are very cold now. Put on my overshoes, James. (James does so.) Hurry up and weigh me now before I get my death of cold. Jones. All right, sir. Take the table over in that warm corner, sir. (Hall sits at table. James arranges screen.) SCENES IN A RESTALfRANf 2^ Hall. That isn't right, you jackanapes. How many times must I tell you I can't stand any cold on my left side? (James readjusts screen.) Now, put my cap on ; I feel a draught on my head. (James takes skullcap frotn pocket and puts on Hall's head.) I think I'd better put on my mittens. My lit- tle finger has a chilly sensation. (James puts large woolen mittens on.) There's a draught right on the back of my neck. Did you bring my neck scarf ? James. Yes, sir ; here it is. ( Winds long scarf around Hall's neck many times.) Hall. Perhaps I can stand it here for a few minutes. Now fix my patent medicine, James. (James takes large bottle from pocket and pours mixture into glass.') You didn't sterilize that glass, James. Pour that medicine out at once. Do you want to kill me with microbes ? Here, waiter (to Jones), bring some hot water, scalding hot. (Jones brings water.) Now, sterilize the glass thoroughly before you put in the medicine. (James fixes medicine ; Hall drinks.) That's the one for my liver. Now, fix the one for my heart. Qam^s, fixes ; Hall drinks.) Now, the one for my lungs. (James fixes ; Hall drinks.) Now, the tonic. (J awe.s fixes another glass of medicine. Hall to Mary.) You may bring me some bacon and eggs. (Mary gives order.) Mrs. S. (to Maud, who is crying loudly). No, dear, you mustn't do that. Rich. Madam, can I do anything to quiet your little girl? Mrs. S. Oh, thank you, yes, the darling little pet wants to throw her jam tart at you and I was afraid you wouldn't like it. Some folks make such a fuss over a little thing like that. Maudie, the gentleman will let you throw it at him. (Maud throws tart; Rich dodges.) Rich. Pm used to dodging eggs. Mrs. S. Now stop crying and finish your lunch. Sit still. Maud. I won't sit still. Pm a fidgetarian. Jackson. That's young America all right. (Jen. brings orders to Rich and Jackson. Jackson c7/ts beef.) Say, this beef is so tough I can't even cut the gravy. Rich (opening chicken pie, holds up long hen's feather). Say, waiter, what's this ? 26 SCENfES IN A RESTAURANT Jen, Why, there's been such a fuss about pure food that the boss told the cook to put a feather in each chicken pie to prove it was the genuine article. {Laughter ; Mary brings bacon and eggs to Hall.) Etiter Mr. Monroe. Jones. Step on the scales, please. Mr. Monroe {stepping ori). Suppose you've got the scales fixed to cheat people. Jones. Just been inspected, sir. Monroe. Huh, inspected be hanged. {Goes to table; gives order to Jen.) Can you give me a plate of soup, right off quick ? Jen. Yes, sir. {Brings soup.) Monroe. What on earth do you call this stuff? Jen. It's been (bean) soup. Monroe. I don't care what it's been, I want to know what it is now. Take it away and bring me an oyster stew, and 1 want it made right. I don't want the oysters and milk just mixed and heated. I want the milk very carefully scalded first, then add the oysters without the liquor. Put the liquor in last thing after the butter and seasoning have been added. I should prefer to have you use all cream and the choicest butter. As for the oysters, have them fresh opened, the finest Cape Cod ones. Don't use any that have been opened before. Do you fully understand ? Mary. Yes, sir, but do you want the oysters with or with- out ? Monroe. With or without what ? Mary. Pearls, sir. Monroe. None of your impudence. (Mary gives order. Mrs. S. gets weighed.') Mrs. S. Now, Maudie, get weighed and we'll go home. Maud. I won't unless you give me another quarter. Mrs. S. All right, dearie. {Gives quarter.) Maud {to Jones). Isn't she an easy mark? Hall. James, I feel a draught. Put my ulster on quickly. (James gets overcoat and puts on Hall. Hall calls Mary.) Hi, waiter, this way. ( Mary goes to him.) This stuff you have brought me is not edible. Edible means that which may be eaten. This bacon, in the first place, is cut about two inches SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 27 thick instead of a sixteenth of an inch. It is not cooked, sec- ondly. You have simply given it a Turkish bath and opened its pores and it is swimming in grease. Therefore it is in- edible, it may not be giv'en. Not all the appetite tonics in the world could create an appetite for it. I am not disappointed. 1 have been here before. The doctor says I must not eat. I was tempted to, so I came in here to have my appetite re- moved. One glance at what you have brought me has done the work. Here is a quarter for you. James, take off n)y cap, fold up my screen and let us go. Perhaps you'd better put my shawl around me. {To Mary.) I shall not want to think of food again for a week. Perhaps then I'll make you another call. Pull my cap down over my ears, James. \_Exeunt Hall and James. Rich. Don't you think this talk of egging actors is all nonsense ? Jackson. No, I think it is eggsactly correct. Rich. That so ? What makes you think so ? Jackson. When I started on the stage I was filled with eggspectancy but I soon found I could only earn a bare eggs- istence, the eggscitement was eggsasperating, the country hotels served eggs, eggs, eggs and everything else was eggstra. The plays and theatres were full of eggsits. My rivals would egg me on to do my worst and then the audience would Qgg me off. To cap the climax the critics say that good actors are eggstinct. Yes, I believe in eggs. Mary {to Monroe). Here's your stew, sir. Monroe. Have you any fresh eggs ? Mary. Yes, sir, laid this morning ; heard the hen cackle myself. Monroe. Huh ! Was the hen under oath when she cackled ? Bring me a piece of roast beef and some chicken. (Mary gives order. Rich and Jackson get weighed and go out.) Enter Hiram Greenback and wife Mary Ann. Hiram carries large carpetbag. Hiram Greenback {to Jones). Be this the Waldorf- Astoria ? Jones {winking to others'). Certainly, sir. Hiram. Not much of a crowd to-day. 28 SCENES IN A RESTAURANT Jones. No, the swells have left town on account of the cold weather. Hiram (aside, to wife). Look your pootiest, Mary Ann. He says as how it is the Waldorf-Astoria, but the swells are out of town 'count of the weather. Jones. Step up here, please. Hiram. Whut fur ? Jones. I want to weigh you. We weigh before and after eating and charge for the gain in weight. Hiram. Well, I'll be dratted. All right; if that's the way the swells do, guess we can stan' it fer once, Mary Ann. Get on here, old woman. (Mary Ann gets weighed, then Hiram steps on with carpetbag. Starts to go to table.) Hi, there, waiter. I weighed too much. Weigh me ag'in without this 'ere bag. Mary Ann, you hold it tight while I git weighed. I don't want none of them bunco fellers to put any of their gold bricks in it. (Jones weighs him again. They sit at table. Hiram puts carpetbag in chair. Reads signs around room.^ Pork and beans. We kin hev plenty of them to hum, Mary Ann. Green corn, by gosh, in the winter. I'm a-goin' to hev some of that. Bring me six ears of corn. What be you a-goin' to hev, Mary Ann ? Mary Ann. I'll hev a biled egg and [showing bill of fare to Jen.) what do you call that ? Jen. Charlotte Russe. Mary Ann. I thought a ruche was something you wore round yer neck. Guess I'll see what it looks like so I kin tell Samanthy Seabury when I git home. Jen. How would you like your egg cooked ? Mary Ann. Oh, biled hard in the shell. I'm a hard shell Baptist. (Mary brings beef and chicken to Monroe.) Enter Mr. Casey and Mr. Mahoney. Jones. Right this way to get weighed. Mr. Casey. Oi didn't cum in here to be weighed. 01 cum in here to ate. Jones. You have to be weighed first. Casey. Begorra, phwat for? Jones. We weigh you before you eat and after and charge so much a pound for the difference. Casey. Begorra, it's a quare counthry, Phwat would they SCENES IN A RESTAURANT 2() be aftgr thinking of that in ould Oireland ? Stip up, Mahoney, like a little man, (Mahonev and Casey gef weighed, go to table ; Jen. takes order. They study bill of fare spelling out words. ^ Monroe {to Mary). This beef is fierce. It isn't fit for a dog to eat. Mary (aside'). Better not eat it then. Monroe. And this chicken is tough as a paving stone. Mary. Perhaps it's a Plymouth Rock, sir. Monroe. Think you're smart, don't you ? Bring me a cup of tea. (Mary gives order. Jen. brings order to Hiram and Mary Ann.) Mahoney (/