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 CHARACTERS: 
 
 STEVENS, ASHLEY (" impeaclior Jeems"). BUTLER (the "Great 
 American Spoon"), BEECIIEll (Uij,'li- Winded'"), BOUTWELL. 
 SUMXER, WILSON, BOYNTON, COLFAX, LOGAN. COVODE 
 0' Dirty Jack'), NYE Ulie " Western Slaslier"), HORACE 
 GREELEY, etc.. etc., etc. 
 
 INSCRIBED TO MARK M. POMKROY >' Brick.") 
 
 WILLIAM D. }kIcUKEGOE, PUBLISHER, 
 HUDSON CITY, NEW .TERSE Y. 
 
 1869. 
 
 ,T 
 
 V. *^ 
 
 
Cin fn> <\ "t (^ trv^ t^ 
 
 PASTT ciUitSst^aias & 
 
 S"] 
 
 ^f^ 
 
 CHAKAOTEIIS: 
 
 STEVENS, ASULEY ("impeachor Jeems"), BUTLER (llie "Great 
 American Spoou"), BEECHEIl (Higli- Winded"), BOUTWELL, 
 SUMNER, WILSON, EOYNTON, COLFAX, LOGAN, COVODE 
 ("Dirty Jack"), NYE (the "Western Skolicr"), RORACE 
 GREELEY, etc., etc.. etc. 
 
 INSCRIBED TO MAEK M. POMEROY ("Brick.") 
 
 WILLIAM D. McGllEGOR, PUBLISHER.. 
 HUDSON CITY, NEW JERSEY. 
 
 1869. 
 

 
 EsTTEKED according to Act of Congress, in the year 1869, by Wil- 
 liam D. McGkegoe, iu the Clerk's Ofncc of the District Court of 
 the United States for the District of New Jei'sey. 
 
INTRODUCriON. 
 
 Satikk has bec-u considi;ied in all nges one of the most cflective 
 weapons against the vices of the cltvy. It has been the only whip 
 under which the 'dcious and blatant demagogue could be made to 
 BUrrender. "?ilen shrink from ridicule, v.hen not from law," is a 
 truth which has been verified in every age from the days of S/julust 
 to those of Chuechill, Fope and Bykon. It has been considered, 
 among enlightened nations, a crime against the public weal to 
 withhold censure where censure was due ; and the writer who 
 could the more forcibly expose the transgressor, and bring him 
 into general contempt and ridicule, was awarded higher honor thi-^;n 
 statesman or divine. Hence it is, at thia critical period of our 
 country's historj-, we have endeavored to place in their tnie light 
 6ome of the principal demagogues and howling fanatics who are 
 endeavoring to destroy, fer selfish ends, the equilibiium of our 
 Government, and to nullify the genius of our institutions. We are 
 8uro no reader, of well-balanced mind, wiU say we have been more 
 than justly censorious, when he reflects upon the acts of the Na^- 
 tional Congress during the past three years. There has been no 
 ajbitrai-y law too v.-icked to undertake. There has been no pal- 
 pable villainy too monstrous to adopt. Three-foiu'ths of the na- 
 tional domain, extending from the Mississijipi to the Eocky Moun- 
 tains, has been given away to subsidized corporations and 
 monopolies. The painted bawd and moneyed lobbj-ist are, in 
 truth, the country's lawmakers. 
 
 While there is ever present on the floors of Congress the man of 
 capital, with scrip in his pocket for so many bha;es in a projected 
 
Tcailroad, or an eligible spot ou its line, to be given for a Congress- 
 man's vote, there are scores of punks waiting in the ante-rooms, or 
 handing in their scented cards to members on the floor. The most 
 barefaced, the most outrageous and the most rascally fraud ever com- 
 mitted upon an intelligent people has been this system of bargaining 
 off the people's territory to the monopolist, who, true to the spirit of 
 weak human nature, becomes, in time, a wealthy aristocrat, and an 
 oppressor of the working classes. Hundreds of millions of acres 
 have been disjjosed of in this way. Then again, Congress, to keep 
 itself in power, has degraded — nay, made the elective franchise a 
 farce in ten of the Southern States. It conferred the right of citizen- 
 ship on a barbarous, ignorant race, who no more understand its 
 principles than do droves of chattering monkeys. And this is the 
 Congress which has the brazen impudence to raise a hue and cry 
 about election frauds ! This is the Congress which has the audacity 
 to send a commission to make out a case in their favor, in the City of 
 New York, by suborning English thieves and burglars, and bribing 
 till-tappers ! Did they send any commission to New York when they 
 •turned James Beooks out of his seat and gave it to William E. 
 Dodge ? Everybody knows how they dealt with Senator Stockton 
 of New Jersey. Our patience becomes exhausted as we dwell upon 
 this subject. "We warn the peoj^le that the party in power aie unscra- 
 pulous money-grabbers, who but yesterday, as it were, followed the 
 vocation of peanut-venders, tin-peddlers, peons, and shysters. 
 
 It has, therefore, been our object in writing this work, to hold up 
 to merited contempt some of the princii:)al actors in our national 
 drama, and awaken the eyes of a too confiding and forgiving people 
 to the dangers which environ them. 
 
Since Vice has come so much of late iu vogue^ 
 Since people smile on every kna^dsh rogue, 
 Since fools will louder laugh when tnie men sigh, 
 And more esteem to cheat and villifj, 
 To he and slander, scoif at all that's good. 
 And look with favor on the low and rude ; 
 Since mouthing rascals prate and bigots swear. 
 Justice, decried, implores me not to spare. 
 Lead on, then, Yice ! I'll follow in thy track ; 
 I'll hold my nose, but never turn my back. 
 Have at you all — pariahs, hmds and pimps^ 
 Vienna heroes* and close-bottled imps. 
 
 n. 
 
 Shoddy, all hail ! Enchanter of our race f 
 Kaiser of scullions from their obscure place ! 
 Let brilliant diamonds and the costly bead 
 
 * The redoubtable Robert C. Sclieuck (dubbed "General"), M. C. 
 from Ohio, made Vicuna memorable by his rapid flight from there 
 during the rebellion. He scampered off on hearing the first gun of 
 the enerav. 
 
Those Lends adorn wLicli never learnt to read. 
 
 Let bracelets fine those niddj' shoulders rub, 
 
 And clasps bedeck the mistress of the tub. 
 
 Let golden belts incase the lusty zones 
 
 Of those vrhose husbands live by boihng bones. 
 
 Trot out, O Fashion, all your painted hags, 
 
 Let dirty dabchicks flutter in silken rags ; 
 
 Let brainless fops the human race degrade, 
 
 And pass their days not knowing why they're made. 
 
 III. 
 
 Hell was ilium 'd and gave a joyous route ; 
 Old devils quaff'd and threw their wine about ; 
 And Annks went round, with gibe, and laugh and leer — 
 (Knowledge satanic of the commg cheer) ; 
 The fui'nace echoed with each jolly shout ; 
 And gluttons danced, though long confined with gout ; 
 As old Nick's post, a black and fleet-wing'd sprite, 
 Arrived with news which made their hearts dehght, 
 
 " 'Tis true," quoth he ; " believe me, on this day 
 The Pilgi-im bigots reach'd the penal bay."'^- 
 
 High on his throne, in grand and regal state, 
 The awful Devil press'd his royal weight. 
 Around the court the courtiers gravely plod ; . 
 Business looked dull and Nick began to nod ; 
 While flames of rod and blue jiis forehead fann'd, 
 
 * Massp.chusetts Bay. 
 
Morplieus cnrob'd liiin with a gentle liand. 
 His mouth lay open, and his great tongue hung out, 
 'Pen which ;i hundred elves soon skij^p'd about. 
 His massive head was one extensive hall, 
 Where each young devil had a separate stall. 
 All grades of rogues were represented here, 
 From old Jack Covode down to pirate Weir. 
 Tlie^e toihng elves, whene'er their master snores, 
 Trip lightly down his mouth and out of doors. 
 
 In barb'd arra.y, and in repellant mood, 
 Atop his ears two watchful sentries stood ; 
 Astride his sconce, prepared to sound alarm, 
 A ducc displayed a trumpet on his arm. 
 One long shrill blast fi-om this metallic horn 
 His Highness wakes and all Ids subjects warn ; 
 And as he sliakes himself from his repose, 
 Tlio elves that miss liis moutl», shoot up his nose. 
 
 IT. 
 
 " What dire misfortune now befalls the great? 
 Advance, my post. What nev\^s heard you of late ?" 
 
 Thus spake the King infernal, raising high 
 His tail furcated, pressed by either thigh. 
 
 The postboy thus : " This day, most mighty sire, 
 (If I speak false, then on me fall your ire), 
 A dolorous herd, — alas ! to Neptune's shame — 
 Reached Plymouth rock, and Pilgrims is their name." 
 
 As faith and doubt each motion would supply, 
 Reflection straijiod itself in Satan's ejo. ; 
 
And doubting thns, lie toucli'd the postboy's Tv'ing, 
 And spid in Holland still tlie bigots sing ; 
 And gravely questioned of their new abode, 
 As Neptune's self despised the filthy load. 
 
 Annoyed at this, the sprite indignant grew. 
 Piled oath en oath, and swore 'tv/as most true. 
 " By hell," he cries, " and by its damning laws. 
 The Pilgrims claim the Indians' lands and squaws. 
 They moan and pray : the rocks with anthems peal ; 
 And Heaven's invoked to sanction what they steal." 
 
 " These points are rather taking, I confess ; 
 But as I never set my plans on guess, 
 BetuiTi to Plymouth, close survey the crew ; 
 If they are Puritans, their hides are blue." 
 
 Thus said his Highness, and away the sprite. 
 Cleaving the dark realms of eternal night, 
 Straining, cranmg, through thunderbolts and hail, 
 With flame-eyed dragons pressing on his tail, 
 So swift of vnng that, ere the morning cock. 
 He dropp'd his pinions high on Plymouth rock. 
 A moment's pause, and then with subtle care. 
 He spread his wings and shot again through air. 
 But all was still as death ; in vain his hunt ; 
 Nothing was heard, except the cough or grunt 
 Of a redskin. The night vras pitchy dark, 
 And naught to be seen, save a dragon's spark. 
 At length, with morn, awoke the whining pack. 
 When sprite and dragons viev/ed them front and back. 
 Bat truss'd so close in giuTah, plaids and hose. 
 The only proof of bluencss Avas their nose. 
 
Higli ill a tree, concealed from public gaze, 
 The elf attunes Ms pipe and sweetly plays. 
 Soon on the sward the lusty Debs appear, 
 And clownish Ebs, with large splay feet draw near. 
 The ring is formed ; the dancers beat the ground, 
 "While vigorous music make the nistics bound. 
 Eouud and round, with barl)arous flings and jigs. 
 The Debs shake tlieii- leaves, and the Ebs their figs ; 
 Long, scrav.-ny arms encircle pliant zones, 
 And fustian yieldeth to protruding bones. 
 On, on they danced, till all the fustian fell, 
 When sprite and dragons bent their flight to hell. 
 
 VI. 
 
 " All hail, my post !"' his sable Highness cries— 
 " Out, my fond hopes ! I read them in your eyes ; 
 Or speed you back to say my hopes are vain ? 
 Have those fell bicrots crossed the Western main?" 
 
 " Good news, my liege, e'er buoys thy servant's wing, 
 And you'll rejoice, I'm sure, at what I bring. 
 At thy command, the whining pack I found ; 
 I scann'd them closely and surveyed them round ; 
 But small details I shall not now pursue ; 
 Suffice it, sire, that all their hides are blue." 
 
 Satan looked wise, and calmly weighed the case, 
 And moved his tail with thoughtful, gentle grace ; 
 
10 
 
 When soon a plan of wondi'ous strange device 
 
 (A plan, perhaps, more delicate than nice) 
 
 Flashed on his mind ; and then, with grave import, 
 
 He raised his head, and said to all his court : 
 
 " The -windy pilgrim that may this way wend 
 
 His doleful shade, and all pure air offend. 
 
 No more I'll roast, but with the bean-fed Jake 
 
 Bellows, IV ' fuel, for the furnace make." 
 
 Sad disappointment fell on those around ; 
 
 Some curs'd and swore, some stamp'd and lacked the 
 
 gTound. 
 They nursed their patience for a glorious roast, 
 Damn'd by the recent order of their host. 
 
 ril now to Congress, with my burnished pen. 
 And show how" monkeys ape the ways of men. 
 
 VII. 
 
 'Tis mooncalf Ashley riots on the floor. 
 Blest with the smiles of v'on admiring wii — e. 
 He ramps, he stamps, he turns him front and back, 
 The doxy's apis and her Pudding Jack ; 
 As jockeys pat the steed that he may win, 
 The barber smoothed his haii- and shaved his eliin. 
 Wild to get loose, with self-appro vance drunk, 
 Now 'tis "Mr. Speaker," now "Mistress Punk."- 
 
 * Jamos M. Aslilcj', better known as Impcacher Ashley, has fro- 
 qu'^^ntly been called to order in the House of EcprcGsutatives for ad- 
 dressing flash punks in the galleiy, instead of the Speaker. He flatters 
 himself on being what is called among pumpkin heads a "lady-killer." 
 
11 
 
 His soul is bent on higli immortal fame, 
 
 Sinco Momiis last vdtli Johnson spread liis name* 
 
 See that design ! Lo ! how the boot-blacks stare, 
 
 And Avondcr if the thing is bull or bear ! 
 
 Mad as a hornet, crazy as a bug, 
 
 Ho drags tlie bull Impeachment by the lug ; 
 
 While "Kill the beast !" from every quarter's bawl'd, 
 
 Through ordure foul the battered brute is maul'd. 
 
 Butler rides him, and Sumner goads him on, 
 
 While Eldkidge, happ}' wit, enjoys the fun. 
 
 The Cyclops form astride the wounded bull 
 
 Impedes his march, and makes his labor dull. 
 
 For food lie pines, for food he must expire ; 
 
 Close to his eyes in garbage, filth and mire, 
 
 Sweating and fuming, like the puffing Grote, 
 
 Huge Ashley thrusts an armful down his throat ; 
 
 Cries — " O live, my bull ! live my beauteous beast ! 
 
 I know you're weak ; but shake yoiu* tail, at least. 
 
 Many a kick, many a cufi' and blow. 
 
 Since you were bom, my piide (too true I know). 
 
 This robust form, this high aspiring head. 
 
 With meekness suffered, but in spirit bled ; 
 
 My hopes, my life, my all on you depend ; 
 
 Should you expire, jjoor Ashley's fame would end. 
 
 To rouse from coma, by all the gods (he swore). 
 
 Tonics I've sought from felon, pimp, and wh — e." 
 
 * Jeems saw .some caricah.vcs of himself leveling a gun at Fresident 
 Johuson, while impeachment ruffians were suborning thieves and 
 felons, when he told a friend, in a verj' serious way, that he believed 
 he would be hereafter identified v»-ith the history of the countiy. 
 
12 
 
 ym. 
 
 The Speaker rises, and the hammer falls ; 
 The air is hush'cl in silence round the walls. 
 All eyes are fixed on Thad, the mighty man,'* 
 Who havvks, and talks, and spits where'er he can. 
 His j)nppets cluster round, draw close and near, 
 Proud to be spat upon by such a peer. 
 He boasts no topknot, but a wig, instead. 
 Imparts a grandeiu' to his awful head. 
 He spreads his broad bandanna, and he blows, 
 Then in some drowsy ear shoots half his nose ; 
 Affects a simper, and, with artless eyes, 
 Keeps in nice check a heart surcharged with lies, 
 Behold his palsied form, his shriveled trunk — 
 A wilted adder, by its venom shrunk. 
 However false — and better false than true, — = 
 The leader's part must e'er be something new, 
 The puling truth is stale to every mind ; 
 While falsehood's ear is quick as falsehood's blind. 
 Weakness ! he cries, should a fitiend admonish ; 
 But, astonish ! death and hell, astonish ! 
 
 * As these lines were written before the demise of this fanatical 
 theorist, we see no good reason for making any change. We do not 
 belieYC in that charity which forbears to speak of the course of a 
 public man after his death, when that course was one of living in 
 open adultery with a negro's wife for thirty odd years, and a sectional, 
 fanatical intolerance toward all political opponents. 
 
EC. 
 
 Wlicu Nature slips, and makes some liideous tiling, 
 The monster dies ere it can Nature sting. 
 When vile diseases seize the human form, 
 And woeful plagues around the being swarm, 
 And blood infectious clogs the coursing veins. 
 The wretch must die, from all his mortal pains. 
 Stevens not so ; he hves a monster still. 
 Prepared to rob and plunder, starve and kill. 
 The kick, the cuff, bj Indignation given ; 
 The lance of Scorn through every fiber driven ; 
 The fevered curses breathing for that hfe 
 Where Nature and the Devil are at strife, 
 Kill not the serpent ; still the rcj^tile crawls. 
 And gluts upon the matter that he galls. 
 
 Alas ! that bigots should -bo ahvajs blind ! 
 Alas ! that man was born to scourge his kind ! 
 Could not the piteous wail of infant j'ears, 
 Of woman's prayers, or grief, or burning tears, 
 Upon his cheek bring one spontaneous glow 
 Of manhood's shame, or cause one tear to flow ?* 
 
 * A bill was introduced to tlie House of Representatives to appro- 
 priate some money for the purchase of food, to be given to starving 
 widows and orphans. Stevens and the Great American Spoon (Butler) 
 
14 
 
 Whate'er the strife, howe'cr the Fates m;ij frowu, 
 No soldier's arm would strike the vanquished down. 
 If there be man to show less generous part, 
 Then brand him "coward," with a tyrant's heart. 
 The narrow soul which on detraction feeds 
 Should know man's heart is better than his deeds. 
 
 Let the base wretch, long bent with ago and crime, 
 Forsake the streets his stealthy creepings slime ; 
 Crawl to some dungeon, far from human sight, 
 That, Hko his own heart, is as black as night, 
 And where the worms, sprung from the nauseous dead, 
 May on his carcass lustily be fed. 
 Hence let him go, to find at last his place, 
 Loathed by the good, and hated by his race ! 
 
 XI. 
 
 The play begins, and Boutwell is the clown. 
 Thad drops the simper, and assumes a frown. 
 " Now thousand tongues are heard in one loud din ; 
 The monkey mimics rash discordant in ;" 
 And fawning Boynton shakes his ourang head. 
 And echoes bigots for his menial bread. 
 
 opposed the appropriation with their accustomed bitterness and sec- 
 tionalism. It was stated in advocacy of the bill, that sixteen children, 
 whose ages were from two to ten years, being at the point of starva- 
 tion, were collected round a Southern man's table, and given a meal — 
 the first some of them had eaten in twenty-four hours. Stevens' 
 response to this was: "Let them 6tfi,rve — they are children of 
 rebels !" 
 
15 
 
 Let BouTWELL snivel, and let Logan yell, 
 
 Send unbelievers in their cant to Iiell ; 
 
 While ScHENCK, the mighty warrior, strikes his blows, 
 
 With finger pointed at the Speaker's nose. 
 
 And spurts, and blurts, and jumps like any cub, 
 
 And pumps himself of froth, plup-plup, and blub. 
 
 They're dextrous, agile circus-riders all, 
 
 And lash the steed of Progress round the hall. 
 
 The Constitution forms the paper ling 
 
 Thro^igh which the frisky jugglers skip and spring ; 
 
 And round and round the wildest furies run, 
 
 Till blacks seem angels, radiant as the sun, 
 
 And heinous rebels, frightful serpents, fall 
 
 Ui^ou the steed, and turn him into gall ; 
 
 And as his quivering limbs still urge the flight, 
 
 The steed sees Butler, and expires of fright ; 
 
 While rival monkeys, wounded in the race, 
 
 Go whining round, and smut each other's face, 
 
 And SAveU with wrath, as choler rages high, 
 
 And glance across their nose with glazed eye. 
 
 XII. 
 
 Lo ! now my Butlee, with a head of brass, 
 Outroars the " clarion of the braying ass !" 
 Callous and hide-bound to both good and ill, 
 No scorn can wound the fool, nor scoffing kill. 
 " Double the guard !" the livelong day he cries ; 
 In sleep, nice spoons appear before his eyes. 
 
16 
 
 See tlie great grampus ! Lord, liow strong lie blows, 
 As waspish Bikgham strokes and tweags his nose !* 
 He snorts, he bawls, the wildest of buffoons, 
 And swears those urchins lie who call him " Spoons.' 
 
 XIII. 
 
 How long shall prate usurp the laws of sense, 
 And graceless creatures stand on sheer pretense ? 
 Will men not read the future of their fate ? 
 Can men not see that Congress saps the State ? 
 Here pimps get office through theu* favored bawds, 
 And harlots lobby for nefarious frauds ; 
 In ante-rooms display their bosoms bare, 
 And name the price, and seal agreement there. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 Heavens ! my head ! What caused the air to crack ? 
 I see, I see. Alas, 'tis dirty Jack.f 
 
 * The tilt between the Falstafdan Butler and the vinegar-faced 
 Bingham, on the floor of the House, was one of the most amusing 
 things of the Fortieth Congress. Bingham accused Butler of living 
 in a bottle and being fed with a spoon ; when Batler retaliated by 
 accusing Bingham of hanging an innocent woman (Mrs. Surratt). 
 
 t John Covode, known as "Dirty Jack." He is the sport and butt 
 of the House. He claims to represent the "sheep" interest of Penn- 
 sylvania. No member will sit near him on account of his dii-ty 
 habits. 
 
17 
 
 Pity the foe whom dirty Jack assails, 
 With filthy speech, and with more filthy nails. 
 His arms, like handspikes, the wide circle sweep, 
 Strilces his bold breast, as echo answers, " Sheep ! ' 
 
 x\'. 
 
 'Tis the night when all the monkeys muster, 
 To smoke and drink, swear, and fillibuster. 
 There's whisking, frisking, nodding, plodding round, 
 And looks that warn the weak to stand their ground. 
 To fetichism the monkeys gravely nod. 
 And scout the laws of Nature and her God. 
 
 XVI. 
 
 Calm Schuyler views the medley from his throne, 
 And quells the murmurs of the buzzing drone ; 
 And 'midst the tyrauging of a thousand tongues. 
 Explains, decides, corrects, and wastes his liuigs. 
 With ponderous sound the Stentor calls the roll. 
 Whose tymbal mouthings jar the tender sou]. 
 But frisky monkeys are, like men, but clay ; 
 Salacious pleasures some have forced aAvay. 
 He's gone! he's gone! In vain the Stentor calls ! 
 
 2 
 
18 
 
 Dispak'h the herald ! make search at Maey H,vll's !* 
 
 There, in arabrosia,t melt cclahlic charms, 
 
 Involving Love 'twixt generous legs and arms. 
 
 Tjtie Sergeant knocks ; the "battered jades" appear ; 
 
 "It is — ah, no! — oh, yes! — -walk in, my dear!" 
 
 Timid at first, then marching with a stride. 
 
 He chides his courage, and he pricks his pride. 
 
 With pompons mien, and cold official gaze, 
 
 Around he stalks, and marvels at his ways. 
 
 To meet his glance the punks are coyly shy. 
 
 While mm-ors praise the sternness of his eye. 
 
 He gazed, and gazed, and gazing lost his thought; 
 
 When reveiie supplied the thing he sought. 
 
 He rummaged, searched, till he was nearly bhnd, 
 
 Which somewhat ruffled his official mind. 
 
 Yielding, at last, to rashness and despair. 
 
 He kicked a couch, and what d'ye think found there ? 
 
 I leave the theme, and leave for you to guess 
 
 The looks of mental horror and distress. 
 
 The iiimor goes that H.vrper's fool was there. 
 
 And etched the scene, ensconced beneath a chair. 
 
 By times, 'tis said, he wings him to the moon, 
 
 To sketch the straining ship in a typhoon. 
 
 * It is a most scandalcas fact, that during the evening sessiont-- of 
 Congress, when the Sergeant-at-Arms is directed to hunt up delin- 
 quent members, the first place he searches for them is this notorious 
 house of prostitution. 
 
 t Ambrosia, love reciprocated.-- Langnnge of F!<'irj'rs\ 
 
19 
 
 xyh. 
 
 From moukey mimics, owls and bats I fly ! 
 Who stays my pen ? Ye fiends and furies — Nye ! 
 Prodigious Nye ! antic, wit, and jester ! 
 Pride of the Stump, and of Cant the Nestor ! 
 Now drop your heads, ye gentle creatures, low, 
 And calmly hear the Western Slasher blow ! 
 With sudden bounce he salhes on the floor. 
 While wondering eyes survey the horrid boor. 
 Like the poor w'retch, long starving for his bread. 
 When some good luck of fortune turns his head, 
 Nye laughs, then weeps, then glares with fool's surprise; 
 Now jumps and roars, now laughs again, now sighs ; 
 For all is vast and "miglity" in his eyes.* 
 
 xvm. 
 
 Now- there reclines at ease McCulloch's foe ; 
 A mawkish, tawdry fop from top to toe ; 
 The pride of Boston, or, as some w^ould dub 
 That codfish port, New Athens or the Hub ; 
 Big with great hope, proud thoughts, and vanity. 
 Soaring on nonsense and inanity. 
 
 * "Thi.s mighty Congress ; this mighty natiou ; this mighty people ; 
 our mighty and stupendous army ; our mighty and prodigious navy."' 
 — Xye's speeches in the Somie. 
 
20 
 
 Pedantic Sumneh ! l\ill of lieavy books,^" 
 "Wbicli he affects to tell you in his looks. 
 He twiddles, piddles, smooths and pets liis locks ; 
 To this lie's deaf, to that his ear he CDcks. 
 With lords and dukes the giib-tongued Sl'MXEU dined, 
 Hobnobbed with knights, and flunkied to tlieir kind ; 
 He guzzled negus with a seedy count. 
 And caught the itch of snobbery at its fount. 
 "When he yavv^ns, 'tis as my lord De Assy ; 
 When he mouths, 'tis as the count de Gassy. 
 He wears a gegaw ; toys with it as naught ; 
 Then pinches it severely for a thought. 
 In silent glances and a deep profound, 
 His meditations east their shadows round. 
 He shakes his locks ; he has a little bill,t 
 (The stuff, to-moiTow, half the Glohe will fill ;) 
 And here's a missive fi'om an honest friend — 
 (Pish ! pah ! ye gods, where will this twaddle end ?) 
 Those wicked rebels (men, forbear to sleep,) 
 Still cuff the negro, and decline to weep. 
 He prates and mouths, and mouths and prates again. 
 Till all feign sleep, but sleep and snore in vain. 
 
 " God grant me patience ! " thus a member said ; 
 
 * "The bookfnl bkiekheHcl, iguorantly read, 
 With loads of k'arned him1)er iu his head." 
 
 t Suimicr occupies, abnost daily, the time of the Senate iu reading 
 letters from Southern Carpet-baggers and Scalawags, bitterly com- 
 plaining that the Southern people are suffered to live, and beseeching 
 Congress to give the petitioners control of all the plantations. 
 
21 
 
 • 
 
 And rubbed liis eyes, aud dropp'd again his head. 
 
 " O Lord, how long ? " another member cried, 
 
 Then stretched and yawned, and stamp'd his fe(^t, and 
 
 sighed ; 
 And 'svear}^ looks disphiyed some httle spleen, 
 And wondered what the de\i\ he could mean. 
 As some bold knave, well practised in a fraud, 
 Devises tricks for dunces to applaud. 
 His plots and plans must ne'er be understood ; 
 They're far too lofty for the low and rude. 
 
 With spirit sad he drops his heavy head, 
 And thinks of all his mourners when he's dead : 
 The beauty of his hands they'll eulogize. 
 And praise his figure and his stately size f 
 How much hi shaved, how long his wliiskers grew, 
 And that his nose was Roman — not a Jew- ; 
 All this, and more, they'll know, as long the}' knew. 
 Ho dreams of paintings — what time 'twill require 
 To daub and brush, and lend his visage fire ; 
 For some Raphael he's moved with tender sighs. 
 For who can give expression to his eyes ? 
 Now, on the wing of fame he proudly soars. 
 As, rapt in his sweet self, he smiles and pours 
 O'er the smooth diction of his classic mind,t 
 Sententious, trenchant, chaiiningly refined. 
 
 " "For statelinefis and majosty, what is comparable to a horse ?"—Jfare. 
 
 t "Next o'er his books his eyes began to roll, 
 In pleasing memory of all he stole." 
 
22 
 
 In subtle phrase he's doomed to atticise, 
 And fill the Senate with the »ravest lies.* 
 
 XIX. 
 
 "Wliat sound so jars upon my wounded ear ? 
 A donkey brays — a Wilson doth appear. 
 The Natie cobbler flings aside his awl, 
 Pricks his long ears as other donkeys bawl ; 
 His eyes dilate ; he stands in steady gaze, 
 While all his brothers scan his wondrous ways. 
 His ears are spread ; his neck far reaches o'er 
 The heads and tails of many donkeys more. 
 
 " A question grave doth stick to me like wax," 
 The cobbler cries. " Suppose we all were blacks, 
 And there was no sun, and the moon were blue, 
 Then what would donkeys and the cobblers do '? " 
 
 With steering tails wild o'er the green they play 
 " Bravo ! bravo ! " round all the donkeys bray. 
 " Raise me aloft ! Keep stiff each friendly tail ! 
 While wax is wax let no weak donkey quail. 
 Raise me aloft ! and when I'm o'er the bars, 
 Behold a Webstee !| thank your loyal stars !" 
 No honest donkey could at this demur, 
 
 * " Destroy his fib, or sophistiy, iu vain ! 
 The creature's at his dirty work again. " 
 
 t This sputtering creature once boasted he filled Daniel Webster's 
 seat iu the Senate. Shades of Webster ! 
 
Though there were barks from aomo disdonting cur. 
 
 Ho whiskedjiis tail ; he suuffed the balmy breeze ; 
 
 The bars were reached ; the mount was made with ease. 
 
 Now perched aloft upon the giddy height, 
 
 The frisky cobbler bra3'ed with all his might ; 
 
 And winds and tides, and earth, and sky, and air 
 
 Were hushed, or shaken with awful noise and blare. 
 
 O'er mazing herds he spread a dizzy pall ; 
 
 'Twas muddle, muddle, and dumfuddlo all. 
 
 Some wept, some prayed, some wislied they ne'er wei'o 
 
 born ; 
 It must be Satan or Saint Gabriel's horn. 
 Yet hark again ! What means that meny roar ? 
 Guffaws reply — " It is the Natick bore." 
 
 In all the casts of hugeness not to fail, 
 O'er slops and pots of gravy, punch, and ale, 
 He shook his cheeks, he shook his head and eyes, 
 TUl paunch and stomach found rehef in sighs. 
 The clang, the bang, the awful sound of war, 
 The waking trumpet, rousing fi'om afar, 
 Lent martial music to the cobbler's soul ; 
 Nor wax, nor tax could stay him nor control. 
 Away ! away ! His blood ran fierce and wild ! 
 A thousand foemen with one stroke ho pil'd ! 
 A thousand more, before yon sun is set, 
 Shall sink beneath his blade, all dripping wet 1 
 
u 
 
 XX. 
 
 Along the streets, with calm equestrian grace, 
 On piebald nag proud Wilson squares his face. 
 The ladies smile^ and all admu-e liis rank, 
 As keenly prick his spui's the piebald's flank. 
 O'er all the scope of history's gory i^age 
 He felt the hero, and he looked the sage. 
 He thought of sabers brandished high in air, 
 Of roaring cannon and the tnimpet's blare, 
 And routed armies, fleeing in despair. 
 And groaning chieftains by their mangled steeds, 
 New Marathons, and other Spartan deeds ; 
 How yonder phalanx shows a deadly breach, 
 As through its ranks the shells fi'om cannon screech ; 
 And where the sward is slippery v/ith the slain, 
 The surging columns meet and press amain. 
 On eyery spear there hves a poisoned breath, 
 And plunging life doth yield a quivering death ; 
 And troopers wild, v/ith roar and headlong speed, 
 Sharing the \vill of their proud mettled steed ; 
 Quick, quick, and on, where high the chargers neigh, 
 With Hghtning dash they madly join the fray. 
 A thousand steeds at equal numbers run ; 
 Two thousand swords flash crescents in the sun ; 
 And men there fight as men ne'er fought before ; 
 And heroes fall who'll ne'er be mentioned more. 
 All this he viewed with calm, prophetic eye ; 
 And then he thought of death, and heaved a sigh. 
 
25 
 
 He hailed his henchmau, and he ordered wine ; 
 Then defied his spin's, and swore he would resign. 
 
 XXI. 
 
 Alas, the shame ! In Congress bigots prate, 
 And blind fanatics rule the ruined State ; 
 High on the rostrum wild viragos screech ; 
 The pulpit mount, and to their cuckolds preach. 
 See the bold spinster, spurned and cast aside. 
 Proclaim the wants she can no longer hide ! 
 
 In tender years, when that blanch' d face was fair, 
 And flowing ringlets woo'd the gentle air ; 
 When modest sweetness on that brow was traced, 
 And all the graces aU hor movements gxaced ; 
 That clear blue eye of innocence and youth, 
 At ouce the miiTor and the soul of truth, 
 Appeared, like Venus in the Vesper blue, 
 When toil finds rest and hope is born anew : 
 Who then would dream that, ere her life was o'er. 
 Discarding sex — alas ! discarding more ! — 
 Temples and fanes would ring with her harangue, 
 And things called men indulge her flippant slang ? 
 
 xxn. 
 
 Ankie, (sweet, gentle Annie of the Vale. 
 I mean not thee, but Annie old and stale,) 
 How fare stump speeche-s and their needful boons ? 
 
26 
 
 How fares eacli audience of poor, spoony loons, 
 Wlio hark complacent to your foolisli cant, 
 And loudly eclio all your silly rant ? 
 See the vile batch of shameless, toothless dames. 
 Whose voice I dread more than Erebus' flames. 
 Intrude their faces, daub'd 'svith paint and glue. 
 Which fill their wrinkles, make their blushes new ; 
 Deck'd with long tufts, which dare to strife the gale, 
 Pluck'd from a corse, or some poor horse's tail ; 
 These tufts adorning, scarlet streamers bind, 
 Wliich whip and wriggle to their waists behind. 
 Their mouths they ope, which seem hke tombless gi-aves. 
 Through which the wind in moaning sadness raves. 
 These homd hags their doleful pates extend ; 
 Dilate on wedlock — how each race should blend ! 
 What nuptial bhss blest Hymen will bestow, 
 If we but practise secrets which they know ! 
 Were social forms and social customs rent. 
 The pining spinster ne'er would sneeze at scent! 
 Her hopes declining with her ebbing charms. 
 Would greet with joy black Sambo's unctuous arms ! 
 O ! shades of Hades ! how my soul detests 
 These rueful wrecks of Nature's proud behests! 
 Depraved, presumptuous, to all reason blind, 
 They are a Hving he on womankind ! 
 
 The mouldering hag becomes a cooing dove, 
 Proclaims aflSnity, and asserts her love ! 
 Should unbeHevers know the reason why. 
 The table raps a quick and prompt reply. 
 Since burning Tsitches claim no more the stage. 
 
27 
 
 Spirits of air the driv'ling fools engage ; 
 And Cotton Matheh soars aloft again, 
 Dispatched from hell, with all his motley train. 
 
 xxm. 
 
 Conscience — mercurial bird of Freedom's birth, 
 Whose bars and confines ne'er were made for earch ; 
 Whose love of Eight illumes the human clay, 
 And gilds with Hope the brightness of its day ; 
 Holds forth the goal of rest beyond the stars, 
 And flaps with joyous wings its prison bars ; 
 Then sings of Freedom in its mundane cell, 
 Till seraph voices with its music swell, 
 Kising harmonic with the heavenly soul. 
 When bliss eternal's reach'd in its control : 
 Spirit of Wn.LiAMS !- well thou couldst attest 
 How conscience suffered in the freeman's breast, 
 When bhnd fanatics, in religion's name. 
 Prepared the fagot, and raised high the flame. 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 I'll hie to church ! With Beecheh's lambs I'U pray, 
 And laugh, good-natured, at the merry play. 
 
 * Roger Williams, who, for freedoai of conscience, had to flee from 
 the wrath of the Puritan bigots. 
 
28 
 
 The dejicon moves before the saintly door, 
 Bows in the wealthy, and bows out the poor; 
 Down long, broad aisles pass saints of every mold : 
 The ogling, jealous, and the saints who scold ; 
 The merchant saiiits, whose diamonds shine afar, 
 On fingers cleanly scrubbed of pitch and tar; 
 The premium saint, whose pew we closely scan, 
 As round the whisper goes that " he's the man ! " 
 •The saint who grunts, and with a sohd launch, 
 Down bears his seat, and forth distends his paunch, 
 Wipes from his brow some drops of heavy dew, 
 Then puffs and swells, as barley malt doth brew ; 
 The saint of musk, v/-hose kerchief scents the air ; 
 The hoaiy- saint, who dyes his grizzly hau- ; 
 The painted saint, with curls to order made ; 
 The saint of hat and pluine, and rich brocade ; 
 The false-toothed saint, who would a prayer beguile 
 To take observance, and to yield a smile ; 
 The saint -who giveth, as the plate goes round, 
 To Heaven a gift of which he robb'd the town. 
 AdoTVTi the vistas of this motley throng 
 The eye's bewildered as it shoots along ; 
 The eye is pleased to view the fauy dell ; 
 Tlie mind revolts at the alluring hell. 
 
 XXV. 
 
 At length from dreadful screams the stranger's freed. 
 Be quiet all ! The show will soon proceed. 
 
29 
 
 On yon plump form, adorned with yellow hair, 
 
 All eyes are fixed with most punctilious care. 
 
 With startled look he makes a quick survey 
 
 Of all the asses Avho came there to bray. 
 
 As o'er his chest his arms conversely slip, 
 
 A studied gesture waits upon his Up. 
 
 He bends, he shakes ; a word, a toss, a bow. 
 
 Wild beasts, be still ! There's storm on Beecheii's brow ! 
 
 His theme is Sambo, and demands his rage, 
 
 Like Vengeance strutting on the mimic stage. 
 
 Ope wide your mouths, and let his rant go down. 
 
 In sighs returning for the martyred Brown ! 
 
 He kicks, he stamps ; he lashes to and fro, 
 
 And, with his cant, at reason strikes a blow ; 
 
 Back casts his hair, like Sappho ere the plunge, 
 
 And makes at mouths agape a forward lunge. 
 
 He fumes, he foams— drowns sense with every shout. 
 
 Like thought bev/ildered in a tipsy rout. 
 
 With tricks like these the parson earns his prog, 
 
 While some cry " Shame I" and others, " Demaooaue !'' 
 
 XXVI. 
 
 Raymond, come forth ! or Jenkins, as they call, 
 Since you donn'd breeches for a Paris ball. 
 They must have laughed (the Lolas and the Peggs), 
 As round you capered with your bandy legs, 
 And patted you, and gave you sugar plum. 
 And whispered, "Lord! is this the pigmy Thumb?" 
 
30 
 
 You are the trimmer — so your Horace ssljs ; 
 And he accords you all your meed of praise. 
 He called you " villain" once— a cut unkind — 
 Which shows ill temper sometimes sways his mind. 
 But then, my dapper youth, be of good cheer ; 
 Trim well your sails, and watch the winds that veer. 
 Connive, betray, assert, and then deny ; 
 Long panting fame will soar upon a lie. 
 
 XXVII. 
 
 Who e'er, ye gods, Avho e'er saw Giieeley's feet, 
 Spavined and halt, lumbering through the street ? 
 His knees, like puppets in a penny show. 
 Fight as they pass, and crack at each a blow. 
 His thoughts to give a more abstracted aii". 
 The pants fall short, and half the shanks are bare. 
 His bunion boots are large and strangely i*ude. 
 Through some blest holes of which his kibes protrude. 
 Along the street with jerk and halt he struts. 
 Munching wild grapes or gobbling liickory nuts. 
 Soft seems his heart with gentle, humane sighs, 
 When foes are sped, or an enemy dies ; 
 But Oh, the poison of his raihng tongue 
 When he is crossed, or his great heart is wrung. 
 A native rustic and a would-be wit, 
 He dons his garments, careless of their fit, 
 O'er which he slavers with a thoughtless spit. 
 
XX vm. 
 
 Now, jon weak creatures, you who hold iho power, 
 (The pleasing bubble of the passing hour,) 
 Behind the murdered murder still to cause, 
 To gain the bigot's or the fool's applause, 
 At once give o'er ; abate your ruffian howl. 
 And Thad's scrcneness mock Miuen^a's owl. 
 
 xxrx. 
 
 The wild for fame the shame of guilt will woo. 
 And take from outlaws their success^al cue. 
 As men are hush'd in awe, suiprise, or fear, 
 When crimes inhuman pall upon tlic ear, 
 Tlie moral sense to shock the trickster tries, 
 And courts abuse if he to notice rise. 
 
 XXX. 
 
 While muie the part to elevate the slave, 
 Encourage worth, applaud the true and brave, 
 I would not weigh my g'old against the sand. 
 Nor trust my weal to the unlettered hand. 
 Let Virtue, Know-e:lge, Honor, nilc the State, 
 And Wisdom guard, and Truth direct her fate ; 
 As Truth, Time's handmaid, must forever roll, 
 In long, deep whispers, through *he godlike soul. 
 
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