(Jho. ■\ -y ^ 
 PHILOSOPHY 
 
 ROGER IMHQF 
 
 V\LEAT Quantum \^lere Potest 
 
By transfer 
 The miite House 
 
THE PHILOSOPHY 
 
 OF 
 
 ROGER 
 
 IMHOF 
 
 A Brochure of 
 
 ORPHICS, EPICS, POEMS and EPIGRAMS 
 
 Copyrighted by thk Author 
 Deckmber, 1915 
 
 PUBLISHED BY 
 
 4707 West End Avenue 
 Chicago, 111. 
 
^O^^z 
 
ALIBI- (Noun). A Form of defense. 
 (Funk & Wagnalls Standard Dictionary) 
 
 I 
 
 ^ MY ALIBI 
 
 NTENDING to offer a reason for wriiing 
 this book; I discovered that the word 
 "reason" would scarcely be applicable 
 to the enormity of the offense. 
 Therefore; I have substituted instead of 
 "a reason/' 'An Alibi." In the case of reason, 
 there must be some sort of worthy argument 
 to sustain it, and finding none capable of 
 defending this inexcusable breach; I have 
 offered this wrell know^n, tho seldom used 
 aHbi — VIDELICET — Unfortunately, at one 
 time I w^as innoculated w^ith a certain virulent 
 germ, and ever since; I have been endeavor- 
 ing to break into print. 
 
 This seems just as easy for me to do — as 
 it would be for the ordinary mortal to bore a 
 hole thru a stone wall — with nothing else but 
 his finger, and a felon on that. This is my 
 second offense, and I hope it will not become 
 a habit, it is rather expensive. Tho I do 
 trust I will be forgiven, as it gave the printeis 
 w^ork. Beyond this — 1 can think of no other 
 plausable excuse. Respecfully, 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
A CRITIC 
 
 A CRITIC is a being that has failed in 
 life. Disappointed in the art, 
 science or literature he is now con- 
 demning. Not being able to reach 
 any particular height himself, he grabs the 
 rungs from the ladder the other is climbing, 
 and impedes if possible, the ascent of the 
 criticised. 
 
 A critic is sometimes able to detect the 
 faults of others and thru the constant com- 
 pany of them in his own endeavors, he 
 should be able to recognize them instantly. 
 Experience has been his teacher and naturally 
 having made the same errors himself, he 
 should be an adept at picking them from the 
 efforts of others. They have refused to cash his 
 particular effusions, so he puts his personal 
 kibosh on the results of the rest. A good 
 critic is able sometimes to support himself; 
 therefore he is not dependant on successes, 
 
 failures are his pet prey. The more caustic his 
 article, the brighter the critic. Caustic you 
 know is the resolvent that removes the cor- 
 rosion, thereby also making a shine of the 
 criticised. He then joins the line of others of 
 his own ilk, and they proceed to pull down 
 and lampoon— comparing notes as they pro- 
 ceed, the better to make their joint opinions 
 coincide to an exactity, thereby offsetting 
 criticism from critics. 
 
SPORT 
 
 A sportsman's idea of fair play is nil. 
 
 I do not consider four legs and a pair of horns, 
 
 The equal of a repeating carbine. 
 
 In my mind; To be a hunter fairly, 
 You should be able to run a rabbit to death 
 — on foot. 
 
 And fishing — when you use artificial bait. 
 And do not offer live lure; 
 You are buncoing the poor fish. 
 
 Traps are diabolical, and any one, 
 
 Who traps an animal, should never himself 
 
 squeal; 
 If caught in a burning building. 
 
 Taking wild honey is famining a family of 
 busy bodies. 
 
 The penance of a bull fighter. 
 
 Should be done in burning oil, 
 
 And the spectators should be chased thru 
 
 eternity. 
 By a stampede of maddend steers. 
 
 Horse racing — the sport of kings? 
 Bookmakers must the kings be then, 
 And how^ easy to recognize them, 
 Tho their crow^ns are in their pocket. 
 
 If the same tactics in vogue in a football game, 
 Were used in a public square, 
 A riot call for the police reserves 
 Would be the result. 
 
DESCIPLES OF BLACKSTONE 
 
 LAW — Blind Justice— That which the lawyers 
 Call right to-day, and wrong to-morrow^. 
 
 The Asiatics have their lepers, 
 The East-Indians, famine, 
 The Esquimaux have scurvy, 
 We have lawyers — Worse! 1 ween. 
 
 Tho a lawyer's office is sometimes on the 
 
 ground floor — 
 He is seldom ever on the level. 
 
 Fools are empty headed — Their domes are 
 
 vacant. 
 Court-houses have large domes — 
 With Latin inscriptions^ — A dead language. 
 
 The contestants of a legacy 
 Are the carrion of law^. 
 Attracting legal vultures, 
 By the odor of the spoils. 
 
 The w^alls of a lawyer's office 
 Are usually out of plumb, 
 With the weight of the law books. 
 Nothing can be straight. 
 
 Never go to law^ over property! 
 Deed your holdings to a lawyer; 
 It is far more expedient. 
 And the result is identical. 
 
 Alike I look upon law^yer and highwayman. 
 Tho I respect the one who will hold you up — 
 Only with a gun. 
 
 Surgeons, lawyers, palmists and politicians — 
 
 Are all scientific men. 
 
 A surgeon removes your appendix, 
 
 A lawyer w^ill skin you, 
 
 Palmists pretend to read your hand, 
 
 And politicians will shake it. 
 
 % 
 
 n 
 
Level headed people 
 
 Are not exactly fiatheads. 
 
 An altitude record 
 Is the height of folly. 
 
 Personal magnetism 
 Is a wonderful poultice. 
 
 Be impervious to man s sarcasm, 
 But dodge the sting of a bee. 
 
 Be proud of your enemies. 
 Success multiplies them. 
 
 When discussion becomes dispute- It is high 
 
 time 
 For the uncertain party to recede. 
 
 The iufluence of environment, association 
 
 and contact 
 Is far greater than bibles, books or bulls. 
 
 Born — lived, tried— flived. 
 Died ride- satisfied. 
 
 The pronoun I — is the rennet that sours. 
 The cream of your aquaintance. 
 
 If beauty is only deep 
 
 It is pachydermic in most instances. 
 
 No lustful mind ever be 
 Part of a virtuous body. 
 
 Quit comatosing, come dow^n ou the Catskills! 
 Don't Rip Van Winkle your life away. 
 
 There is only one Broadw^ay, 
 For w^hich w^hich w^e are thankful. 
 
 An intelligent teacher on fifty w^ill thrive, 
 While the janitor— illiterate, gets sixty- five. 
 
U a squally baby appeals to you, 
 
 And you can smoke a bad cigar — and enjoy It. 
 
 You are- or should be — Saint somebody. 
 
 There is no obscenity, except in our mind, 
 It is a conception of our thoughts. 
 
 POLlTlCS^ — the lure of the majority. 
 
 The ambition of most, 
 
 The cloak of many 
 
 And the mistress of more. 
 
 Take things as they come-petticoats excepted, 
 Run away from them. 
 
 Why marriage ? Charity or conquest. 
 
 In the highways and byw^ays of life. 
 
 Often it becomes necessary to turn a corner. 
 
 The straight and narrow path. 
 
 Sometimes leads to the family entrance. 
 
 The fires of hate and jealously, 
 Consume w^ith more alacrity. 
 Than love and devotion subdue. 
 
 The scale of music is the v/orld's enigma. 
 
 It is truly an artistic pie. 
 
 Do to do filled in between v/ith sweet melody. 
 
 In the bank of conscience deposit regularly. 
 Just some kind w^ords and deeds. 
 The interest will accrue — 
 On the day of judgment. 
 
 It is barely possible to make a good living 
 And be honest. 
 
 I 
 
MY CREED 
 
 I am content in my own little world. 
 Have ambition to do right — and be right. 
 Resolving never to berate, nor be berated. 
 Stealing nothing — giving something. 
 Exchanging eye for eye and smile for smile. 
 Respecting the law and fearing God. 
 Conscious of everyone, subservient to no one. 
 Stooping only to pick up, bowing only to 
 
 friends. 
 Hearing everything, but saying nothing. 
 Seeing all — tho forgetting little. 
 Eating plenty, sleeping well. 
 Respecting all, offending none. 
 Feeling ill, when I'm at fault — never perfect, 
 Tho always trying, living longf, but slowly 
 
 dying. 
 
 Without faith — never start. 
 Without fear — never be. 
 Without hope- — never expect. 
 Without heart — never love. 
 Without work — never succeed. 
 Without malice — never fail. 
 
Where I have dissented and opposed some 
 
 peoples views, 
 1 have often admired their ability and devotion. 
 
 Religion is ancient and old fashioned, 
 Churches now are so modern, 
 Respectable birds will not build their nests 
 In the spires. 
 
 Tex Brann's picture, 
 
 Should be the blacksmith's emblem. 
 
 Abe Lincoln w^as a wood-chopper. 
 But he also cut a fine mark in politics. 
 
 If Maunchausen w^ere alive to-day. 
 
 At the best" he w^ould be a second rater. 
 
 As Shoepenhauer loved a w^oman. 
 So 1 love a lawyer. 
 
 A photograph of yourself 
 
 Might be considered a reflection. 
 
 Tho your character cannot be seen until fully 
 
 developed, and after that — 
 You are fixed. 
 
 You must respect a physician. 
 
 Who calls phthisis, consumption, 
 
 But you may safely doubt one — who prescribes 
 
 Aqua destal-lata and chloride of sodium. 
 
 For salt and water. 
 
 Charity is not a virtue. 
 
 It is a good deed, prompted by a baser one. 
 Thereby insuring the conscience of the giver 
 From being ill at ease, for a time. 
 
 If I can lay me dow^n and die in peace, 
 I shall have not lived in vain. 
 
THE BOSS 
 
 A BOSS is a man who thru some inex- 
 plicable reason has come into 
 money and power, thru no reason 
 of his own efforts. Fortune has 
 favored him beyond all comprehension, and 
 now that he is well on the way to success, 
 his pet pastime is lording over his employees, 
 dictating to his subordinates, underestimating 
 their worth, and paying them only half what 
 they earn. Keeping the profits himself, and 
 generally making himself obnoxious to the 
 men who are the real foundation of his wealth. 
 With his one hundred and twenty-five 
 pounds of energy— he should be carrying the 
 heavy loads, while the brauny roustabout 
 from the basement should be keeping the 
 accounts of the concern and entertaining 
 socially the out of town customers who oc- 
 casionally visit the plant. 
 
Respect intelligence, and pity ignorance, 
 Reverend a christian, and hate a hypocrite. 
 Love a good person, and admire an artist. 
 Tolerate a genius, and ignore a nonenity. 
 Elude a pessimist, and pal vs^ith an optimist. 
 
 The river of life flows onwrard,ever and always. 
 
 From its source its course is beset. 
 
 With snags of deceit, and the shallow^ness of 
 
 humanity. 
 Currents of ambition carry us hither and 
 
 thither. 
 But the end — is the gulf of eternity 
 
 Bequests are the sediment 
 Of greed and conniving. 
 
 If you must be jealous, 
 
 Envy — only a healthy person. 
 
 Colonel Tact, Major Diplomacy and General 
 
 Perseverance 
 Have conquered every battle, 
 While Corporal Greed and Private Gain 
 Have stampeded many commissaries. 
 
 Keep your head cool and your feet w^arm 
 Catch cold seldom and die but once. 
 
 For goodness sake, digest w^hat you eat 
 
 Masticate it, before you eat it. 
 
 And after you have eaten it, get rid of it. 
 
 Keep your bow^els open and fear the Lord, 
 
 If you don't make heaven then. 
 
 You are exonerated. 
 
 Church mice and chancel rats — are pious and 
 
 poor, 
 But indigestion and gout they need never 
 
 endure. 
 
 It is perfectly natural 
 To be artificial. 
 
Stafvation is an awful state, 
 The capital is '^Exhausted/' 
 
 Don't despise a wrinkle. 
 It is a sign of experience. 
 A face filled w^ith w^rinkles, 
 Denotes a horde of know^ledge. 
 
 There is no man so weak, but what his body. 
 May contain a w^hite heart, 
 
 And there are none so strong, it may not hold, 
 A yellow^ streak. 
 
 Many well known men. 
 Clung to the breasts 
 Of unknow^n w^omen. 
 
 The more we accomplish. 
 The less w^e envy. 
 
 For every time I have succeeded, 
 I have failed at least thrice. 
 
 it is human nature to w^ant more. 
 And give less — advice excepted. 
 
 To have husbanded an acre of corn 
 
 [s more to your credit, than to have w^ritten a 
 
 book. 
 The masses hunger for food. 
 The asses for literature. 
 
 Brain and braun are ordinary incompatible, 
 Unless suspended in a mucilcige of good 
 
 judgment. 
 Without this — the sediment is — toxic hate. 
 
 Many brilliant men come from the country 
 And the cities are full of "Rubes." 
 
 If there is only one born every minute; 
 Sometimes I think I am seeing double. 
 
MY BOOK 
 
 ] have a book called ''Memory, " 
 
 That I neither lend nor lose, 
 
 Composed of many pages. 
 
 Of different colored hues, 
 
 The early pages are snow white. 
 
 Of purity they tell. 
 
 And all the deeds I've done are there. 
 
 If "Memory" serves me well. 
 
 I use it as a reference work. 
 And oft'times I compare. 
 My life with that of others. 
 That sometimes have entered there. 
 It's not a work I'm proud of, 
 Tho I should not feel ashamed, 
 For I compiled it all myself, 
 And I take all the blame. 
 
 Some leaves are thumbed quite often. 
 
 Others pass w^et w^ith a tear. 
 
 My name is there as author. 
 
 It's a book of year by year. 
 
 It is bound w^ith life's experience, 
 
 And backed w^ith years of care. 
 
 The edges mottled w^ith little scenes — 
 
 And there's a preface written there. 
 
 "Born upon a stormy sea. 
 Amid a wrail of v/oe, 
 Brought to earth against his will. 
 And doesn't even knovv^, 
 What is in store ahead for him, 
 How^ the fates — they may decree,'* 
 As I read that preface o'er again, 
 I pity — little me. 
 
The book is filling day by day, 
 
 Tho some pages blank are left, 
 
 When they are filled, my task is done. 
 
 The last word will be death, 
 
 I know the beginning and the end. 
 
 And some that's in between, 
 
 And I'm going to try and fill the rest 
 
 With some noble things I've seen. 
 
 This book 1 cannot close at all. 
 
 Its pages seem to stare, 
 
 Look where 1 will, think as 1 may. 
 
 The book is open there. 
 
 The contents 1 have learned by heart. 
 
 Dreams, hopes and many cares; 
 
 History, malady, love and tragedy. 
 
 Humor and night-mares. 
 
 I started it when very young, 
 
 It's my same age you see, 
 
 Iv'e kept it guarded in my heart. 
 
 In fact it's part of me, 
 
 I've read and learned it o'er again. 
 
 And placed it to one side, 
 
 But cannot get it from my mind, 
 
 So often 1 have tried. 
 
 The print is unintelligible, 
 
 To every human eye, 
 
 But One above will read it. 
 
 And revise it, when 1 die. 
 
 So I'm careful what goes into it, 
 
 As 1 want it to be read. 
 
 In the Library of Heaven, 
 
 When the author of it — is dead. 
 
TKo we don't all aJmire flowers. 
 We can easily detect their odor. 
 They may not like you, 
 Tho they w^ill respect you. 
 
 The Bible is a w^onderful reference, 
 But — good folks don't need a reference. 
 
 Water gone crazy with the heat — is steam. 
 
 Tho it is a wonderful patient; 
 
 In the proper asylum — that s a pipe 
 
 Spring bottom pants for males. 
 And sheath gow^ns for females. 
 Denote an empty bellfry. 
 Tho one has a bell in the bottom. 
 The other a belle in the top. 
 
 You are any man's equal if you toil for a living. 
 But keep busy — even w^hen the foreman is out. 
 
 If all the world's a stage, 
 
 The play must be a melo- drama — 
 
 From the number of villians in the cast. 
 
 The principal, not principle, is principal. 
 When you are interested in interest. 
 
 Drink a little, smoke a bit, laugh often. 
 
 Eat plenty, read some, work hard, love 
 
 honestly. 
 Respect the law^, fear a church, and fool the 
 
 devil. 
 
 In the hey-day of your life. 
 
 Don't forget the grim reaper is coming. 
 
 Weep and the world laughs at you. 
 Laugh and the w^eep's on him. 
 
 Warm thyself at thine own hearth, 
 A stranger's fire, scorches and humiliates. 
 
 The last words: You're Out! 
 
I 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 016 235 070 5 i 
 
 THE F4NN PRESS 
 
 i4-2a CAST 21«r STREET 
 
 New YOHK