^o ^ o V ,0 .V C 0^ '^^ '^0 Sv/ .^^ V' 't-.o^ OF } i JlM\ FlANK R^Mmih >:tr.' p:«''':':^*; J*.*;-- mM'^'-'^: 'W .■?^% The Jumble Book of Rhymes Recited by the J u m b I e r The Jumble Book of Rhymes Recited by The Jumhler By frank R. HEINE. Illustrations by G. C. Cobb. Cover Design by Jack Cooley. Hackney & Moale Company, Publishers. Asheville, North Carolina. Price $i.oo Net. Copyright, June, 1919. By Frank B. Heine. ^,^' ^- .^« -tt.,:*^ .C''^v'\ 'Many people read a song Who will not read a sermon. AUG I! ^-oV6 ©CI.A529617 Foreword Pegasus is a queer old nag, and many of his ivould-be riders find him most unruly. We mount him and are off for a wee nip of Hippocrene. We want liini to lacy along like a plough horse, ivhile zve pluck daisies, but he insists on demonstrating that, like a Hainhletonian, he has all of the High School gaits. And ivhen zve pass the Queen's carriage, expecting him to step stately and look like a million dollars, the old plug stumbles and limps, and is classed by all as a cas- ual. So please, please blame the horse — and not the rider. Dedication To the hoys who have found the old War Horse a dangerous animal, have come to cropper in the Big Muss, and are now assigned to bunk fatigue, we offer these rhymes. Though, they are crippled; and limp, and halt, and stumble at times — yet we trust they may, for all that, break through zuhen General Monotony is entertaining a company of Blue Devils, and for a few moments, at least, put to rout serious and somber thoughts. To the casuals now enjoying hospital hospitality at Kenilworth (Biltmore) and Oteen (Azalea), this jumble of rhytnes is dedicated. Pick it up, Buddy, it's a dud. —F. R. H. THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Greetings A New Year Greeting in zvhich the Jumhler hopes to meet you soon. My wish most dear for your New Year I'm quite sincere in giving ; When next we meet, on Easy Street I hope that you'll be living. P. S. — And I hope I meet you soon. [ 9 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Introspection The old nag, Pegasus, ini'itcs the Jumhler to an introspective mood as lie lopes along. It is Thanksgiving, 1917. Am I thankful ? Let-me-see — World, Flesh, Devil Good to nie ; Friends still loyal, Coin in banks — Stop this minute ! ril give thanks. What of troubles Lately past? Well, at least they Didn't last. Not a single Scar remains, Nor remembrance Of the pains. So, Fm thinking That from me There is due great Gobs of glee. Though a slacker, From this day .* Fll be grateful — Let us Pray ! [ 10 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES An Acknowledgment (From Him to Her). The receipt of a gift he cannot label leads the Juinbler to recite I thank you for the hickeydee, The thingamabob you sent ; The trickamadoo's the very thing On which my heart was bent. The dofunny's style and color Puts all dodads to shame ; The jiggermaree's the swellest thing That ever bore that name. Appreciation's most sincere, But I'll no longer lie — Pray be a sport and tell me quick : What is the thing" — and why? [ II ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Pay! Pay!! Pay!!! In which the Jimibler notes the profusion and the pertinacity of the Pauls and the pitiful paucity of Peters. I'm daily robbing Peter for to pay Old Mr. Paul; I swear it's hard them both to satisfy ; Pauls in legions me pursue, but the Peters are so few — I lie awake at night and wonder why. The hope of every Peter is some day to be a Paul. Then little Peters must be set to sprout. Ev'ry chance of Paul for pay would forever pass away The day the tribe of Peter petered out. [ 12 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Taffy and the Man As a member of the Taffy Consumers' League, the Jumbler offers this bit of defence: I have eaten grits and gravy in the Southland now and then, I have Hved on CaHfornia's kiscious fruits; I've inhaled long-stringed spaghetti in Italia, and again In the Klondike once I dined on cowhide boots. Of course I've supped at Rector's, at the Cecil, and the rest ; Tackled truffles and de foie gras in Paree ; I have bolted guava jelly and tortillas, Madrid's best, And I've chop-sticked bird's-nest soup a la Chinee. But of all the palate-ticklers on the whole world's bill of fare, Whether ladled out at morning, night or noon, Not a gustatory stimulant that I know can compare With a little dab of taffy on a spoon. [ 13 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES If a man is grouched or peevish, if in doHng cash he's slow — Just a Httle bit of taffy — presto ! won ! ! Every married woman knows it — every girhe ought to i [ 22 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Should Dreams Come True The Jiimhler zvakes up and credits himself ztnth a big heart. This man, O girl with charms untold, Has dreamed of Love and You ; And can it be somewhere's a land Where these dreams may come true? Ah, if there be, then willingly To rainbow's end he'll go, Or far's the place where seas begin — For, Girl, he loves you so ! And he, dear one, a king can be — Yes, by one way alone : That you, his Queen, through love for him, Should raise him to your throne. But whether he be king or serf. Of this be sure : thou art A mighty queen, whose realm is wide — You reign o'er all his heart. [ 23 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Lotus Eating In the land of In-a-minute, the land of Lots-of-time, The land of What's-the-hurry ? Manna-land sublime; The land of Sleep-a-whole-lot, — to me it ofttimes seems I sure should like to live there, for I'd have time for Dreams. {Here the Jumhler becomes personal) : Now I'd not waste a minute if I lived in that clime, But say good-bye to worry, and dream — well all the time. And what, dear, do you reckon my f ancy'd bring to view ? The answer is so easy: Sweetheart, I'd dream of You. [ 24 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Fergit Dem Dreams Leaving the Realm of Dreams, the Jumbler quotes the advice of a married friend. Aw, cut it, kid ! Dis lovin' gag Don't make no hit wid me; I've went de route and ought ter know — Fer, ain't I married? Gee! Dere's nuthin to it, fooHsh man ; None of 'em's what dey seems, De game's a bunk, Kid, all way tru — Wake up, fergit dem dreams ! [ 25 ] Most earnestly the Jumhler presents his views on Seri- ous Matters pertaining to Love and Life. Fickleness of Maidens. Constancy — As Applied to One Man. The One and The Only. Handle With Care. My Garden. My Threnody. Eternity. THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Fickleness of Maidens "Good-bye," I said to Mary, To Margie, Maud and May ; And I put them from me harshly And turned myself away. For my all in all was Maizie — I swore it on that day. But time came when my spirit Grew weary of its pace. And I cried, "Come back, dear ex-ones, I'm sick of just one face !" But they replied, "We cannot, Another has your place." {After Dunbar), [ 28 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Constancy — As Applied to One Man A man by Nature ne'er was meant To love one maid alone — E'en if by doing so he'd gain A seat upon a throne. Polygamous when 'comes to love — (Be diff'rent no man can) Monogony's monotony When 'plied to love of man ! Yet here am I! ('gainst Nature's law) — Mirabile die Hi — Loving one maid, and just one {sic), Exclusively and true ! As other men, I liv'd and lov'd Until you came my way — Now all my love is yours, O Queen, Forever and a day ! [ 29 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Dear, dear dead loves, one last farewell! Your graves no more I'll tend ; Your ghosts, whom I have welcomed oft, Their visits now must end. Sweet girls, whom I have lov'd — and lost — Loved? Yes, but for a day — I now have found my Queen of Hearts Whom I can love alway. I once thought that I lov'd you well — But O ! the love I feel For my dear Queen is diff'rent quite — And it's the love that's real. My Queen now has each thought, each dream ; No more I'll think of you — Love was, love's past for all save her — So, ex-loves all, adieu. Handle With Care The tangible always is frangible. (Proven long since, I take it). By chance or by art you've taken hold of my heart- But please, Little Girl, don't break it! [ 30 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES The One and The Only Hundreds of maids in this world have been born With many a charm that allures, dear ; Hundreds are radiant, fair as the morn — But never were eyes just like yours dear. Hundreds boast beauty of form and of face, Which always devotion assures, dear; Hundreds personification of grace, But none has a smile just like yours, dear. 31 THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Hundreds accomplished in letters and song, And hundreds attractive and clever ; Daily I walk through this limitless throng, Yet find none compares with you — ever. If from these hundreds an artist should mould A composite maid, near perfection ; Stand her beside you, to choose I be told — My dear, can't you guess my selection ? Hundreds and millions of maids there may be, And yet, without you I'd be lonely. Pray be convinced, for I speak truthfully : Dear, you are the One and the Only. [ 32 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES My Garden I wander into my garden, My garden of loves that are dead, And stop at a withered rose bush That once grew a blossom of red. How passionately, true I loved it, Thought without it I could not abide — How bitter it is to remember In a night it had withered and died. The violet that grew on the hillside I loved with a love that was true ; But 'twas snatched from me e'en as I held it- O, Violet, dear, how I loved you ! And dearest of all, the sweet June Rose, As a bud she'd come out first that year ; But I lost her just as I'd plucked her — The heartless and pitiless dear ! The lily and pink that I worshipped Each deigned but a season to stay. And returned not again though I waited And longed for them many a day. [33] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Dear loves that are dead, hear me say it : A loving good-bye to you all ! No more shall I visit this garden, For my true love grows just o'er the wall. Having loved you has made my love stronger For her whom I now so adore ; I'd truly not know how to love her Had I not loved you-all before. Good-bye, then, again, fairest garden ; Good-bye to you all, fickle dears ; Dear Rosemary, last, fondest treasure, Will be faithful to me through the years. [ 34 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES My Threnody The Weatherman's in direst straits ; All wrong are his predictions ; Not Bright and Fair, but Drear and Cold- And so his maledictions. Now I can give the answer to This scientific gent : 'Tis not from meteoric change — But just 'cause She has went. I've read by hundreds love-stuff books, But ne'er believed one bit When sun was made to cease to shine When "She" made her exit. But now I know that they were right ; From Sol no rays are sent ; It's dull and gray and dismal quite — And all 'cause She has went. I cannot read, nor write, nor think Since She has went, Oh, dear ! Of compensation, though, there's heaps For, well, she once was here ! So I'll not mind the fierce heart pain That naught seems to allay. She's went, ah me ! but I shall hope That she'll come back some day. [ 35 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Eternity She's coming — The woman I loved and lost ! Widowed at last and once more free. One hand, two, or arms ? Ah, me ! Our meeting, her greeting — .... O what will it be? She's coming — The woman I loved — and love ! Long have I waited so hopelessly ; One year, all — yet faithfully. Returning! I'm yearning .... Be kind, gods, to me ! Yes, coming! O woman beloved of all. Come to arms that still ache so for thee ! One age, two, Eternity For loving, for Loving Awaits you and me. 36 ] INTERMISSION THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES A MEDLEY {Rendered by the Jtimbler during the Intermission) . I 'Ear Noes The Jumbler turns some anatomical terms. The night has a thousand eyes, The day to one lays claim ; The big brown pair that you, dear, wear Sure puts them all to shame. It seems 'bout a thousand years My heart you've trod in dust ; But lend an ear and litsen, dear : The end of waste is bust. Though I've heard a thousand noes — As someone knows is true — An aye once said, we'll soon be wed. Or I'll be ever blue. Ode to a Sylphine Figure Thinner yet and thinner — I would be like thee. I am nearly drowned in Perspiration's sea. From my adiposeness I'd be set clear free — Though it means my joining Broomstick cavalry. [ 38 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Feelin' Blue My nose is red, I'm feeling blue ! If you had bawled I guess so'd you .... be feelin' blue. BECAUSE I Have Just Run Into a Nest of Crying Women I went to a Niobe party, Where all were expected to bawl ; There were peachy repiners and whiners in minors- Your "Uncle" wailed loudest of all. %(>U4-^ A Bare Story Nobody loves a man that's bald, I've often heard it said ; But why does Love, then, laugh at locks ?- It makes me scratch my head. [ 39 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES A Truth A simple truth I give to you To always recollect ; There is one thing — and that's Friendship- Will not thrive on neglect. Hooverize An order of Hoover's I think is quite good ; "Don't feed your dear husband — But husband your food." Fine "It must be fine," the Sweet Thing cried, "To write a poem like his'n." "It should be fine," the man replied, "Plus thirty days in prison." [ 40 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Fugax, Sequax; Sequax, Fugax Maids, they say, like shadows are : (I wonder if it's true). Follow, and they run away ; Retreat, they follow you ! A Betrayal of Irish Ancestry If you ask my wish sincerest, I will quickly make reply : May you live — yes, live forever — And be happy till you die. Exit Cooky Our queasy queen of the cuisine A queer, querulous creature has long been ; In her quite quiet way she quickly quit on Sunday- Quid est? Quid nunc? Why — quondam! The Limit Prissy, persnickety people there be. Fastidious, finical ones, we see ; But the fussiest man in town by far, Is he who washes his little Ford car. [ 41 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Safety First Propinquity plus Proximity, plus A little Encouragement, dear, And havoc you'd play With my heart. I'm away To the umbrageous dingles, through fear. Unbearable Three things my nature cannot stand — I'll name them, if you please: Temptation and Encouragement; Neglect's the worst of these. Wrong Prescription Tell me, please, sir, Mr. Captain — It's advice I'm lookin' fer — Is it true carbolic acid Is good for cooties, sir ? Are you serious, poor rookie, Or are you making fun ? What you mention isn't good at all- It kills 'em every one. [ 42 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Seeing Double "Look twice before you leap, son/ My mother oft told me. Each time I take a second look, A second girl I see. The only thing that's better — You'll think me quite a dunce — Would be to have diplopia, Then I'd see two at once. Wisdom Napoleon was a wise old guy ; A saying of his ran Like this : "To all who would be safe. Don't write, just send a man !" [ 43 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Just Talk FoUozinng the Intermission the Jumbier unravels the differengg between speech and talk and think and thought. From time an infant draws first breath And 'gins its virgin squaking, Each mother proud, not saving one, Translates all goos as talking. This goo means this, a girr means that — A new word every minute — It yells! Says pa, "My dear, you're right, There's surely something in it." (A pin, perhaps). Milk-Latin talk lasts 'bout a year, And then, strict truth I'm telling, A plain "Mam-ma" may strike your ear — In interim of yelling. The next few years great strides are made ; Mamma is fair ecstatic. For now it talks as good as dad — 'Cept 'course, it's not grammatic. And then comes slang, and cussing, too — If it's a boy, the latter — But if a girl, the whole day through It's giggle, chatter, chatter, [ 44 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES And now it's grown, and still it talks ! But will somebody answer : How much is said that tends to help Despondent fellow-man, sir? And words of comfort, love and cheer Are all not slow in giving? Yet it's the joy we scatter here That makes our lives worth living. From birth till death it's talk, talk, talk ! But listen, please, and ponder : What would it mean if speech meant thought? Who would be dumb, I wonder? [ 45 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES The Man Who Made Umph-ta-ta Smile // to Heaven you tvouJd go — Smile. A god once was made and heathen had prayed To him throughout many a year ; His face was distort with a frown of the sort That gave them all quakings of fear. The rulers in line, of whom there'd been nine, Each published this royal decree: The man ivho*ll beguile our fierce god to smile May claim the King's crown as his fee. From all the world o'er had come by the score The jester, the fool and the clown ; With quip and with jest had each tried his best, Yet not one displaced the god's frown. Joe Miller and Twain had been quoted in vain, (Each man as he failed was exiled.) But failures all scored, the god still looked bored, Then I appeared — and he smiled ! When his visage had cleared, the heathen all cheered And each wore a smile good to see; [ 46 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES With shouting and song they bore me along Till straight to the King they'd brought me. The King then stepped down, said "Sir, here's my crown, And gold you shall have by the pile, But tell me, I pray, just what did you say That made our god, Umph-ta-ta, smile?" "Your crown and your pelf, Sire, keep for yourself," I said, "but pray listen to me : I just made the trial — a smile for a smile — And succeeded. Good King, as you see. Of pomp. Noble Sire, and of power I should tire, And soon think them not worth my while, Contented I'll be if 't can be said of me: 'He's the man who makes everyone smile'." Pray heed me, O King, a smile, Sire is the thing That will win you a smile in return ; Just try it and see, and I'm sure you'll agree 'Tis a thing that all people should learn. Your wise pulpiteers may belabor your ears With all the orthodox doctrines extant. But if t' Heaven you'd go, then you might as well know 'Nless you smile throughout life — well, you can't! [ 47 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES There's nothing ivorth zvhile can't be zvon with a smile — A maxim you prove when you try — I must now be gone to pass the word on ; ThereVe others who need it. Good-bye!" My story you've heard — well, then, just one word : — Is anyone now within sight? Just smile on him, do — why, he's smiling at you! Your very first test proves I'm right. [ 48 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Myself and Me Unlike George Cohan, the Jimibler doesn't love himself. 'Tis torrid here and all have gone To seashore on a trot ; I'm left alone, alas ! and I'm The only friend I've got. I've walked with me and talked with me Until I'm satiate ; I'm sick and tired and bored with me ; The thought of me I hate. Divorce I'd have 'tween self and me; For happiness I'd strike ; We're surely incompatible 'Cause too darned much alike. [ 49 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES C'est la Guerre After throiving his friends into fits, the Junibler decides his Soldier-French ivon't go. There are some folks, alas ! I know Who Fletcherize the calico And pull out wads of hair When now and then, as if by chance, I lapse into the speech .of France. But — blame it on la guerre. My accent's not Parisian, yet It's tres bien, so said Lizette — And surely she should know. She never frowned and said )ion, non! But she would smile and say, "Bon bon! Old, Old, I get you, Bo ! Jolie Jeanne plays the Marseillaise ! I ball myself in many ways When this I try to say. But tres, merci, chere, and beaucoup I say just like the Frenchies do — Admit it, s'il vous plait. Yet if each time I paries vous These friends must throw a fit or two And shock their systems so, I think I'll stick to plain Anglais And say adieu to all Francois — My Soldier-French won't go ! [ 50] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Spring Styles "Well, you may talk Of woman's wiles Of all these lat- Est skinny styles ; Rave over girls Built like a slat ; But I must say I like 'em fat !" A girl that's fat ? Oh, no, no, No ! No lap, no waist Nor high nor low ; An oozing mass When weather's hot — You like this type? Well, I do not ! For me, a girl That's sylph-like made, Who's just the same In sun or shade; And as for me. And I'm no churl, Where there's no waist — Then there's no girl ! [ 51 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES No hefty bunch Of av'rdupois, No dray-horse girl Shall share my joys; But pocket-size, A featherweight, Will find me most Affectionate. [ 52 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Strictly Proper or Miss Propri'ty up an' say : "Why will you chilluns ack this way? Whenever I go out to walk I see you two — an' people talk! Miss Grundy says to me today : 'They go to ride, an' stay an' stay. How come her pa don't take a hand An' call 'em down to beat the band ?' "I've tol' you time an' time again A man should call but nozv and then, Unless the priest has called the banns An' date's been set for jinin' ban's. " 'Tain't proper, no, an' it ain't right To call or ride mos' ev'ry night. Hear now the last word that I'll say : You break my rules — then you must pay!' or Miss Propri'ty, who are you That you should tell us what to do? Your mammy was a prissy scold, Yer dad a crabbed "sis," I'm told. You stick to rules your grandma 'ranged, Despite the fac' that times have changed. Propriety, Convention — these Are how determined, if you please? [ 53 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES or Miss, if true I love this maid Should I go slow and be afraid Of what the neighbor-folk will say? Nay, nay, a girl's not won that way! There're nine and ninety swains, they say, Who'd steal this maid. If I make hay I needs must work despite the fogs, And though it's raining cats and dogs. or Miss, if you could see her eyes With laughter lit, or in surprise, Or questioning, or looking grave. Or beckoning — just hear me rave — Could see the beauty of her face. Her winsome ways, her lissom grace — Ah, Miss, your rules you'd cast aside And daily beg, "Dear, please come ride." Then why not I? I'm human, too. It's right for me if right for you. You see I've got so much to say I've gotta see her ev'ry day. or Miss she say, "My boy, you're right ; I now see things in difif'rent light. My laws still rule the other guy. But to your case they don't apply. So tell her my permission's got To call on her a nawful lot. You've found me easy, have you lad ? All right, then try convincing Dad." [ 54 ] In a versatile manner the Jumhler approaches sundry thefnes, zvherein is revealed his love for Home, Country and Eats. 1 8 TO 45. You Never Can Tell, An Ounce of Prevention, Fear Not. Eat What's Set Before You, Show Me. Damfino Jones. Silent Bill. Buster Boy. Not Forgetting Dad. THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES 18 to 45 The Jiimhler found the niche in which he fit — for just one day. I'm something over eighteen, yet I'm under forty-five ! I've no flat feet, no leaky valves, No wife and babes alive. So— With no dependent, no defect, Not e'en a near-sight eye, Methinks quite soon I'll hear you say : "So long! Good luck! Good-bye!" My putteed calves will look a sight — I'm long, but short on weight — My feet won't fit the Munson last, My rising hour is eight. But— The army is gwine ter git me, My name's done been enrolled. I'd like to be a baby gal Not more'n one year old ! I'm old enough, I'm young enough To do some thing, I guess ; So I'll just stop my foolish talk And say, "I'm ready, yes !" For — [ 56 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES There's not a job, there's not a niche But needs some man to fit. For you and me there's just one thing: Go IN AND DO OUR BIT ! They found a job, they found the niche They said that I would fit ; And in Argonne one foggy morn They said, "Now do your bit !" Wow! Old Jerry seemed to know I'd come; His shells all came my way ! Ugh ! Mustard gas ! * * * Then mustered out — I didn't last one day ! [ 57 1 THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES You Never Can Tell Harry had two Munson feet That grew Hke ice and snow At bare suggestion of the thought That he to War should go. But when the Draft got him one day His face grew stern and grim; And ere he'd been in camp a month They'd made a juati of him. 'Twas "Captain Harry" soon in France. Midst fighting over there He got two wounds, a D. S. C, Also the Croix de Guerre. The moral in this simple tale You've guessed, I have no doubt: You cannot tell zvhat*s in a man Until he's tested out. [ 58 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES An Ounce of Prevention When first the Flu our old town hit I said I'd keep from getting; So I went home and with great care I shut out drafts and shut out air. I sprinkled sulphur in my shoes, Then loaded up on blockade booze, Some calomel and "C.C." pills, Then castor oil up to my gills. Each hour on soda I did feast ; I swallowed cakes of Fleischmann's yeast; I ate ten onions, mighty nigh, Then drank a slug of Good Old Rye ; Some asafoet'da round my neck, Then took quinine, about a peck. To keep from feeling all forlorn I fraternized with Barleycorn ; Then aspirin, say twenty grains, And codeine to keep off pains. I chewed tobacco, smoked it, too. Then took a dip of Mountain Dew. I crawled in bed to get a rest, Vick's Vaporub smeared on my chest. I changed to woolen underduds [ 59 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES And carried 'round two Irish spuds ; I sprayed and gargled, wore a mask, Snuffed Listerine, then tried my flask. I felt my pulse ; at tongue a look, And then my temper'ture I took. But strange to say quite sick I grew — The doctor says I've got the Flu! I guess he's right, but this is sure : Right now I need the likker cure. I wonder if I'd stayed up town, Cut out the dope, kept worry down, Stayed right at work, not had a drink — Would I have Flu? What do you think? [ 60 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Fear Not Why will so many people now Give way to frenzied fear ? Why will they act as though they thought Swift Death were lurking near? E'en if Disease now stalks abroad And Death rides on the air, 'Tis not the time for craven acts, But courage everywhere. I wonder if they stop to think How soon the war'd be won If sons of theirs showed half the fear That they of late have done? And why fear death' — eternal life? I would not be the one To strive to stay on this poor earth With sacred tasks undone. So, why not chirk up just a bit And say good-bye to fear? The world now needs much cheering up — Pray help supply the cheer. [ 6i ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Eat What's Set Before You As children ofttimes we were wont To criticise and fuss About the victuals that were cooked And served by ma to us : "Too salty" this, and "too sweet" that; "You've had this twice since Sunday; You always have what others like, You might please me just one day." And so it went till pa would say : — 'Twas meant you could not doubt it — "Just eat what's set before you and Say nothin' 'tall about it." Now we are grown and, seems to me. Too often we're inclined To criticise the things Fate gives, And think this life a grind. Some things may not just suit our taste, Some e'en be quite unpleasant ; Someone may get the bigger share And failure seem e'er present ; But then, let's think of pa's advice : — It's sound, pray never doubt it — "Just eat what's set before you and Say nothin' 'tall about it." [ 62 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Life's road is rough — but what of that? The man who'll growls forswear Will top the hills ahead the crowd All smiles, with breath to spare. And so it goes this wide world o'er — 'Tis true for saint and sinner — The man who silently will "dig" Will always prove the winner. That's why I say take pa's advice : — Try once and you'll not doubt it — "Just eat what's set before you and Say nothin' 'tall about it." 63 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Show Me There is a dame I know you know, Who'll make big talk, will brag and blow About the waffles that she makes, Also her corn and buckwheat cakes — But always my cake's dough. She tells of this or that one who At breakfast, once ate twenty-two ! And when she feared that he would bust He raved and railed and almost cussed, And said he wa'n't half through. I've hinted and I've begged this dame To just for once treat me the same. But always she the question begs, Or's out of cream, or maybe eggs. Or some excuse as lame. Yet here am I, so thin and pale, While she, dear soul, is plump and hale. If she's the best cook in the South, Why let me stand with watering mouth ? — She should be sent to jail! Now, I'm from out Missouri way, Where "Please show me," is what they say. I'm hungry and too weak to walk, So "Please feed me, or stop your talk !" I'll tell her this today. [ 64 ] I THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES A pawfuU and a mawfuU I Must have or else I fear I'll die. Her talk does naught but aggravate ; It does not help my famished state Nor hunger satisfy. Unless I get a waffle quick, Unless I get it awful quick, I'd better beat her up, I guess, And mar her beauty more or less — Unless I get it quick ! [ 65 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Damfino Jones Damfino Jones, a mental drone, Had no opinion of his own ; He grew to manhood meek and mild, But he was Indecision's child, It was the same in weal or woe : He "wasn't sure," or "didn't know..' In business he would hesitate To buy or sell until too late ; So, naturally he ran in debt — But hasn't run back out as yet. When asked when he a debt would pay He "couldn't just exactly say." In romance he just "couldn't just exactly say." If he loved Blanche or Isabel — He married Jane, and, safe to say, 'Twas she who kept the wolf at bay. And with religion, mixed he got When asked if orthodox or not. In politics he'd weigh and weigh. And then not vote on 'lection day. And so he wavered till he died And never did one thing decide. Now I don't know, but it is said He isn't now quite sure he's dead. [ 66 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Take note of men who've made success : They tell you "No" or tell you "Yes" Right off the bat, nor step aside When faced with questions to decide; While men like Jones just paw the air And never do get anywhere. This truth shines out like bright new tin: Think for yourself if you zvould zvin. [ 67 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Silent Bill I have a friend called "Silent Bill," Aged ten, so says the Bible ; To me, in years, no word he's said — Strange truth and not base libel. He seems quite bright, and sees and hears- In fact you'd think him normal ; But not a sound comes from his lips, Not e'en to greeting formal. When he's at home, so I am told, It's talk, talk, talk, and chatter ; When I'm around, why is he dumb? Explain, what is the matter? Am I an ogre fierce and wild With looks and mien ferocious That cause to cling unto its roof The tongue of this precocious? "Oh, no !" says he, "you're not to blame." (The answer comes by proxy.) "The fault's not yours, but all guilt lies With my dear mother, foxy. I'd like to talk of lots of things — But ain't my ma the limit ? She starts her tongue — so what's the use? I'm out, 'less I butt-in it." [ 68 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES "It's 'seen not heard,' so I've been told, Or else a strapping vi'lent. I fear the gad, and that's why I Remain still Bill-the-silent. Now, when you scrap about her size I'm mum, but try to figger How she could squeeze in through the door If she were any bigger." "But when she twits you 'bout the thatch You've lost from off your attic, I'd like to reprimand her then In language quite emphatic. I've waited long and ground my teeth, And frowned upon her patter ; But I'm convinced she'll ne'er run down — She's stuffed with ceaseless chatter." Dear Silent Bill, stay silent still ; To change, pray do not bother ; You're dearer far just as you are ; I'd true not have you other. [ 69 THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Buster Boy The Jiimbler, like Foss, loses a boy, I have a friend called "Buster" — A little child last Fall- But now he's grown so very big I scarce know him at all. Almost a man ! His folks are proud And fairly beam with joy ; But I — I feel I'd rather cry; For I — I've lost my boy. No more he'll perch upon my knee And ask me to relate How Li Chi Fair and Chang-the-Good Were saved from saddest fate. And Jelly Jar and Big Black Bear He'll treat with sneering scorn And say, "Now please do stop and think How long since I was born." Time flies so fast it takes my breath ! Soon he'll forget it all — The rhymes we wrote, the games we played, None, none will he recall. The world may praise him as a man — God knows I wish him joy — But I — I'll brush away a tear And long for Buster Boy. [ 70] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Not Forgetting Dad A new kid's come to our house ; A peach, I'm here to tell ; And things are topsy-turvy Hke — Still — Father's doing well! 'Twas 3 A. M. this morning That it began to squall ; Some neighbors got excited^ — But Dad wa'n't feased at all. (Ufr- 'Twas — oh, yes, quite expected— And welcome, I opine; And bibs and socks and— things are made, And — Daddy's feeling fine! [ 71 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Another Christmas present ! Gee, that's hard luck for fair ! The Old Man says, "Mere bagatelle, Why should a fawther care?" How's Mother? Oh, she's so-so! The Kid? Well, it will do. Of Papa we are glad to state That he will sure pull through. Then, here's a cheer for Mother; One for the Kid we give ; Now ready — give a score of them : Doc says that Pa will live! [ 72 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Chromatic We've got a nice red moo-cow-moo, But doesn't seem just right. She eats green grass the whole day through Then gives us milk that's white. "Red cows, when on blue-grass are fed, Give white milk." Is this true? I am so green, when this I read It straightway made me blue. A Flare Back : We also, have a moo-cow-moo. She isn't red, but black ; The milk she gives, it isn't white, But blue, — alas, alack! Methinks that you'd be black and blue Had you your due, young fellow ; But matters not the shade or hue. Just so you're never yellow ! [ 73 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES Enuf! When "dis ol' vvaggin am done broke down," I feel 'twould be a sin To hold your love dirough Pity's sake For what I once had been. "Yours till death !" is what they say ; But isn't it enough To say, "Dear Girl, I sure am yours Until the wheels fall off?" And here the Jumbler entertains the children with a fezv Nursery rhymes: The Evening Bath (Apartment Next Door). The Dirty-Neck Policeman and the Black-Hand. Do You Believe in Santa Claus? Shaving Time. The Big Black Bear. THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES The Evening Bath (Apartment Next Door). I try to read — but really, what's the use? You'd think, I swear, 'twas Bedlam broken loose ; A scream! And then I hear, "Oh mercy! Ouch! My ear! I surely cannot stand all this abuse ! You're gouging me and pulling out my hair ; My skin's rubbed off — 'tis more than I can bear ! Now really you're not heeding or you'd see my nose is bleeding ! I believe you would kill me if you dared !" I jump up from my chair and grab my gun ; I must be quick or murder will be done ; I rush across the hall and loudly 'gin to call : "Unnatural parent, wouldst thou slay thy son?" Upon the door I then begin to beat, And straightway hear the scamper of bare feet; Then "Mother" stood and laughed, said, "Surely you've gone daft— I'm only giving them their evening bath." She calmed herself and then she sweetly said, "I always scrub 'em 'fore they go to bed; But don't see why my daughter should have such fear of water ; [ 76 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES And Buster, — why, it simply drives him mad ! I really don't see what I'm going to do, Despite the fact it greatly worries you ; Of course it may seem mean but I'm going to keep them clean — And I don't know how unless I scrub 'em down." So "Cleanliness is next to Godliness !" It may be so; but really I confess I'd let them go as black as night and look just like an awful fright— Unless the Gold Dust Twins'd do the work. What matter, pray, if streaks run 'round the neck And dirt be under nails, about a peck? I'd rather, oh, yes, quite, that they were black than white — If I disturbed the town when bathing them. ^^^^^3^^^5«^^^^^^^^^^5^5S?^ [ 77 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES The Dirty-Neck Policeman and the Black Hand Oh, run ! Oh, mercy, run ! you Httle children, Just as fast and quickly as you can ! For here comes the Dirty-Neck Pohceman, And I'm sure I see the Black-Hand man. So, scrub, scrub, scrub your little hannies, And your necks, pray don't forget them, dears ; These men will surely get you if you're dirty; They'll pay no attention to your tears. The Dirty-neck Policeman he jes' grabs you. And if he finds your neck's not clean and white, He carries you away in spite of begging, And keeps you from vour mother all that night ! Next day his ugly wife gets soap and water. And scrubs you with a great big curry-comb; And if you cry she fills your mouth with soap-suds, Till you promise you will keep clean when you get home. [ 78 ] THE JUMBLE BOOK OF RHYMES .^w^v V, ^ -<-;"«:t.\( |j^!^ N. MANCHESTER, __INDIANA__^fc/