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LETTERS 
 
 OP 
 
 
 MAJOR JACI DOWNING, 
 
 OF THE 
 
 DOWNINGVILLE MILITIA. 
 
 " The Constitution is a Dimmycratic machine, and it's got to 
 be run as a Dimmycratic machine, or it won't run at all /"— 
 Major Jack Downing to Lincoln. 
 
 TIIIRD EDITION. 
 
 NEW YOEK: 
 VAN EVRIE, HORTON & CO., 
 
 No. 162 NASSAU STREET, 
 PRINTING HOUSE SQUARE. 
 
 1866. 
 
E"4S"7 
 ■fc.3 
 
 Entered according to Act of Confess, by Bromley & Co., in 
 the year 1864, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the 
 United States for the Southern District of New York 
 
 LOVE JOT & SON, 
 
 ELECTROTYPERS & STEREOTYPERS, 
 
 15 Vande water st., N. Y. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER I. 
 The Major Announces that he " Still Lives" — The Reason why 
 he has not Spoken before — Writes to " President Linkin," 
 who at once Sends for him — How Lincoln Shakes Hands — 
 His Troubles —The Major's Advice— Lincoln to get an " Ap- 
 pintment on Gineral McClellan's Staff"— A Story About 
 Old Rye, from Mr. Lincoln 15 
 
 LETTER II. 
 Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make 
 the President's Uniform— 1 Provoking Accident— Mr. Lincoln 
 Tells a Story— The Major as a ' ■ Commentater" on the Con- 
 stitution — Mrs. Lincoln's Party — "Insine Stebbins, of the 
 Downingville Insensible?, Writes a Paradox for the Occa- 
 sion" — The Major gets Angry — Lincoln Tells a Story About 
 Virginia Mud 23 
 
 LETTER III. 
 The Major has an Attack of the .Ague and Fever— Begins to 
 get the Hang of Matters at Washington— Mr. Lincoln's Im- 
 provement in " Military Nollege"— Studying " Stratygims"* 
 for Gen. McClellan— The Major Suggests a Difficulty— Mr. 
 Stanton Called on— The Negroes at Port Royal— ' The Nig- 
 ger-Tcachin Fever" — Deacon Jenkins' Daughter goes to 
 Port Royal to Teach the Negroes 32 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 A Delegation Calls upon the President— The Major Indignant 
 — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story — Curious Composition of the 
 Republican Party— Difficulty of Keeping it Together— The 
 
IV CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 President Hopes to do it by " Sloshin About" — Deacon Jen- 
 kins Again — He is a Temperance Man, but Takes a Glass of 
 Old Eye 40 
 
 LETTER Y. 
 A Blue Time— The Major Wins a Hat of the President— The 
 Richmond Expedition of Gen. McClellan — Mr Lincoln's 
 Trick on the Major — A Letter from Jerusha Matilda Jen- 
 kins — She gives her Experience in Negro-Teaching — Pris- 
 cella Huggins and Elder Sniffles — Cloe, the Negro Girl who 
 "Could not be Good unle3sshe was Licked" — A Negro Meet- 
 ing — Dancing and Singing — The Unpleasant Odor — Ne- 
 groes Steal Miss Huggins' Clothes — They Purloin Jerusha's 
 Petticoat — It is Thought that their Religion is not "Very 
 Deep" — Mr. Lincoln Hears the Letter Read — He Declares 
 that Port Royal is a " Cussed Hole" — Deacon Jenkins 
 Shocked — He Proves it by the Scriptures 48 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 The Question of the "Contrybands"— Lincoln and the Major 
 Discuss it — The Major tells a Story — Shows Mr. Lincoln 
 That the Government is out of Order — Says it's a " Dimmy- 
 cratic Machine," and that Seward and Chase don't know 
 How to Run it — They are Like Old Jim Dumbutter and 
 the Thrashing Machine— The Major Tells Another Story 
 —"The Kernel" Gets a Joke on Seward— Tel Is a St;>ry 
 about the " Giascutis." 59 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 War " Noose" — The President's Anxiety — Mr. Lincoln Deter- 
 mines to Apply "the Principle" — The Story of Zenas Home- 
 spun — The Major's Views on Negroes — Poetry— The Eman- 
 cipation Ball — The Major going to " Cifer" on the Finances. 67 
 
 LETTER VIII. 
 Matters get Confused — The " Kernel and the Major" Com- 
 
CONTENTS. V 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 pelled to go to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out — 
 Mi\ Lincoln takes his Revolver — The Major Sticks to His 
 Hickory — Arrival at Fort Monroe — They go on a "Tipper- 
 graphical Rekonnisanze" — A Night Alarm — Secretary Stan- 
 ton tries to get on the President's Pantaloons *5 
 
 LETTER IX. 
 The Major Figures on the "Nashinal Debt" — Horse Contracts 
 and "Abolishin Preechers" — Banks Defeated — The Major 
 Suggests a New-Fashioned Shield, expressly for Retreats — 
 A Wheelbarrow for every Soldier ! — Excitement in Wash- 
 ington — The President not Scared " a Hooter." 82 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 The Major Troubled with his Old Complaint, the '•Rumatics" 
 — He Examines the Finances — Mr. Chase Frightened — The 
 Major Figures up the Accounts on His Slate — Returns and 
 Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln — He is Astounded — The 
 ''Kernel and the Major" take some Old Rye — The Major 
 Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the Fourth of 
 July 88 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 The Major does not go to Downingville — Loses His Hickory — 
 Gets a Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co. — The Major 
 declines to Sign the Receipt at First — Whiskey and the Con- 
 stitution — "The Constitushinal Teliskope" — A Magical 
 Change — Mr. Seward's Trick — The Major discovers it— A 
 Negro in It 99 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 The Major Disappointed — Meets the President at West Point 
 — Sees Gen. Scott — They Talk over Strategy — Returns to 
 Philadelphia with the President — Makes a Speech at Jersey 
 City — Mr Lincoln also Speaks — Meets Seward at the Astor 
 House — A Wheel within a Wheel — Mr. Seward Caught. . . . 108 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 The Major Returns to Washington — Things Get Mixed Up — 
 Lincoln and the Panther — Splitting Rails and the Union — 
 The Major and the President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army 
 — Going up James River — Alarm of the Rebels — Exciting 
 Scene on Board the Boat — Nobody hurt — The President 
 Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing — The Return 
 Trip — The President and Party Bathe in the Potomac — 
 Almost a Catastrophe — The Major's Life-Preserver — The 
 Joral of it — The President Proposes a Conundrum, 116 
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 The President has an Attack of Fever and Ague — The Major 
 Prescribes Elder-Bark Tea — A Fearful Mistake — The Bark 
 Scraped the Wrong Way — Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled — 
 Stanton, Seward and the Major — A Ludicrous Scene — The 
 "Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke — The Moral of tak- 
 ing the wrong Medicine — " The Irrepressible Conflict.". . . . 125 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 Gen. McClellan's Change of Base — A Bear Story — A Delega- 
 tion of Clergymen — The Major's Opinion on Negroes and 
 " Edecated Peepel" — How General Jackson Saw Through 
 Them — How the War is to End — Mr. Lincoln tells Another 
 Story 133 
 
 LETTER XVI. 
 
 The Science of " Military Strategy" — The Major's Opinion 
 upon it — A Call from the Secretary of the American and 
 Foreign Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condition 
 of the Colored Race — His Speech — The President's Reply 
 — A Curious Prayer — The Major's Opinion on Slavery— The 
 Critical Condition of Affairs — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. . . 141 
 
 LETTER XVII. 
 A Cabinet Meeting — The President Calls for the Opinion of 
 
CONTENTS. Vll 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Each Member — Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, 
 Welles, Smith and Bates — The Major Called on for an 
 Opinion — The Peperage Log Story — The Major Proposes an 
 Armistice — No Conclusion Arrived at 150 
 
 LETTER XVIII. 
 The Major not 111— The President has "the Gripes 1 '— The 
 Witch-Hazel Medicine — Going to the bottom of a Subject — 
 The Democrats and the War — The Emancipation Proclama- 
 tion — A Visit to Gen. McClellan's Army — The Soldiers Cool 
 —Mr. Lincoln tells a Story—" Sloshing About." 159 
 
 LETTER XIX. 
 
 The President Nervous — The State Elections — Mr. Lincoln 
 Astonished — He takes Cordial — Mr. Seward Turns Demo- 
 crat — The Major tells a Story — Mr. Seward and the Major 
 Take a Drink — How John Van Buren got Gen. Scott's Let- 
 ter — Mr. Stanton on the Elections 168 
 
 LETTER XX. 
 The New York Election — Mr. Lincoln tells a Story — Cannot 
 do Justice to the Subject — Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad — The 
 Major Amuses him by a Joke — How to get up a Message — 
 Keeping a Party Together — The Excelsior Political Prepared 
 Glue — The Different Stripes of Abolitionists — Boating on 
 the Mississippi River — Poleing Along 175 
 
 LETTER XXI. 
 
 The Message — A Cabinet Council — Speeches of Seward, 
 Chase, Stanton, Welles, Blair and Bates — Mr Lincoln tells 
 a Story — The Major gives His Opinion — Mr. Chase Accuses 
 Him of Disloyalty — The Major Demands a Retraction — It is 
 Given 182 
 
 LETTER XXII. 
 
 The Message Finished— Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical 
 — The Major's Excuse — Mr. Sumner Finds Fault with the 
 
viii CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Major's Spelling — The Major Stumps Him — He Gives His 
 Views on *' Edication" — Mr. Lincoln Proposes a Conun- 
 drum — The Major tells a Story — Mr. Seward's Opinion on 
 the War 191 
 
 LETTER XXIII. 
 The Major Goes to See the Postmaster-General about Stopping 
 p a p Crs — Mr. Blair Promises to Release Them — The President 
 Again in Trouble — A Change in the Cabinet Demanded— 
 The Major Suggests a Remedy for " the Crysis." 199 
 
 LETTER XXIV. 
 
 The Emancipation Proclamation — The Way to Get to Rich- 
 mond — Splitting the Union — The Major tells a Story about 
 Splitting — The President Gets Indignant — Seizes the Boot- 
 jack — The Major Pacifies Him — A Dream — The Major Re- 
 turns to Downingville 207 
 
 LETTER XXV. 
 The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of nis Country — 
 The Story of the Black Heifer— The Man who Made a "Siss" 
 — The Union — " Insine' Stebbins Again — His Reception at 
 Downingville — u The Insensibles " — A Provoking Accident. 214 
 
 LETTER XXVI. 
 
 The Democratic Party Whipped — Tilings as bad as they can 
 be — A Story in Point — Mr Lincoln sends for the Major 
 again — The Major writes him a Letter — The Return of 
 " Kernel" Stebbins, formerly " Insine" — His Reception at 
 Downingville — " Kernel " Doolittle's Speech — " Kernel " 
 Stebbins' Reply — Elder Sniffles' Preaches a Sermon 221 
 
 LETTER XXVII. 
 The Major starts for Washington — Takes his Axe with Him — 
 Mr. Lincoln Glad to see Him — The Cabinet in Session — The 
 opinion of Seward, Chase, Stanton wd others — The Major 
 
CONTEXTS. IX 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 called on for an opinion — The Story of Old Sam Odum — Mr. 
 Stanton gets Excited 228 
 
 LETTER XXVIII. 
 
 The Major and the " Kernel" at work on the Message — The 
 Major visits Mr. Chase again — Sees the Machines for Print- 
 ing Greenbacks — A Machine for every General — The Ac- 
 counts mixed Up — Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty over them — 
 The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a mustard-plaster 
 — He Revives, and proposes a Conundrum — The Major also 
 proposes one 235 
 
 LETTER XXIX. 
 
 The Trouble about the Message — Chase and Seward Find 
 Fault with it — The Story of Old Deacon Grimes' Oven — Mr. 
 Lincoln Overrun with Visitors — The Major Suggests a Way 
 to Get Rid of Them— The Small Pox dodge— The Message 
 Finished — Mr. Lincoln tells a Story 242 
 
 LETTER XXX. 
 The Major visits Parson Blair — The Loyal Leaguers of the 
 White House — A Wonderful Dream — The Grave of the 
 Union — The President Don't Like It — About Leather — How 
 the Capital Looks 248 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Downingville, July 15, 18G4. 
 To the Editors of the Da-Book: 
 
 Surs : I got your letter tellin me that Mister Bromley and Kum- 
 pany wanted to print my letters in book form, and as you seem to 
 think they understand such kind of work, and are proper persons 
 to do it, I ain't got eny perticaler objecshins. It is now jest thirty 
 years sence my first Book of Letters was printed by Harper and 
 Kumpany, but I hear that they have turned Abolishinists sence 
 then, and if that is so, I wouldn't let 'em print a book of mine for 
 love nor money. 
 
 After I got your letter, I sot down and writ the Kernel, askin 
 his opinion as to printin the Letters in book form, and he wrote 
 back to me rite off, saying I must do it without fale. The Kernel 
 has got 'em all cut out of the papers and put in a scrap book, but 
 it's kinder onhandy, and he wants to get 'em in better shape. I've 
 promised him that you would send him a copy jest as soon as it 
 was out, and you must not fale to tell Bromley and Kumpany to do 
 so. I also writ the Kernel that I thought it would be a good idee 
 to issue a Proclamashin, ordering all the people to buy the book, 
 espeshilly the Loyal Leegers, the soldiers in the army, all the Tax- 
 Collectors, Custom-House Officers, Provo-Marshalls, Postmasters, 
 Copperheads, War Dimmecrats, Abolishinists, Black Republikins, 
 etc., etc The Kernel sed it was a capital idee, and he told me to 
 write it for him. He sed Seward had wrote most all of his Procla- 
 mashins, but he would trust me to write this. He sed he looked 
 upon my letters as " Pub. Doc," and hence Congrissmen ought to 
 frank 'em, and reed 'em, too. He said he didn't mind the little joke3 
 in 'em on him, for ef there was anything on arth he could forgive a 
 
Xll INTRODUCTION. 
 
 man for, it was for makin a joke. He didn't see how eny one 
 who knew enuf to make one could help doin it. 
 
 So I have writ a Proclamashin, which you will find at the bot- 
 tom of this letter, which you can print with it. I think when Gin- 
 neral Banks, and Rosykrans, and all them Ginnerafo who some- 
 times stop books and papers, read it, they will understand that it 
 will not answer to interfere with my book. 
 
 There is one thing that makes me a little bashful about publishin 
 a book. My eddicashin was not very well taken keer of when I 
 was a boy, and the consequence is, I ain't quite so smart in gram- 
 mer and spellin as sum peepil. But one thing is certain, I allera 
 make myself understood, and that, after all, -is the main thing. I 
 want Bromley an d Kumpany to fix up the spellin a leetle, and then 
 I think the book will pass muster. 
 
 I don't ever expect to live to write anuther book ; in fact, I 
 don't want to. I have labored as hard for the good of my kentry 
 as any man in it, and yet I've lived to see it all go to rack and 
 ruin. I don't raly know whether I shall write anuther letter, for 
 a man of my years don't feel like such work. But there is one 
 thing I feel sure of. Though the clouds look dark and black now, 
 and though I don't expect to live to see everything all rite again, 
 yet the Dimmocracy will triumph in the end. There is no blot tin 
 that out. It is in the natur of things. Peepel are naterally Dim- 
 mocrats, so old Ginneral Jackson used to say, and it takes a good 
 deal of hard lying to make 'em enything else. Sometimes the 
 liars get the upper-hand for a time, jest as they have now, but it 
 can't last always. 
 
 I don't want you to put any preface to my book, for I have 
 most always found that prefaces are filled full of falsehoods. I 
 jest want my book to go on its merits, if it has eny. I've tried 
 to tell the truth about politics, as I understand it, and ef Linkiu 
 had only taken my advice, the kentry would now be nigh about as 
 good as new. But he wouldn't do it, and so I've left him to get 
 out of the scrape he is in the best way lie can. The Kernel, how- 
 ever, don't think any the less of me because I've been plane with 
 
INTRODUCTION. XIU 
 
 him. lie thinks my idees of niggers are allrong, and I think his 
 are all rong, and there is jest where we split, for turn this question 
 upside down or inside out, and, after all, the nigger is at the bottom 
 of it. Jest as a man's idees run on niggers, jest about in that 
 style will be his views on the war. Take an out-an-out Abolishin- 
 ist, who thinks niggers are a little better than white folks, and he 
 is for subjugashin, confiskashin, and exterminashin to the bitter 
 end. Ef he thinks niggers are jest as good as white folks, but 
 no better, then he is a little milder on the South ; and so on 
 down through every grade of a war man, the bitterness agin the 
 South runs jest about even with the ignorince about niggers. 
 Finally, the man who knows jest what niggers are fit for and 
 what they need to make 'em useful and happy, is the strongest op- 
 ponent of the war. So you see this proves that the nigger is at 
 the bottom of the hull war. 
 
 There are, however, a good many things that make matters 
 worse. Greenbacks, offices, &c. are terribul upon corruptin the 
 peepul. Almost every other man has an office now-a-days, and 
 them that ain't got office are interested in greenbacks. It will 
 take a hard pull to get the present party out of power ; but ef 
 the Dimmocrats will only be honest and plucky, they can do it. 
 I want to live long enuff to vote the Dimmocratic ticket this fall, 
 
 and help do it. 
 
 Yours till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing 
 
 "a. linkin's proclamasiiin concerning majer jack downing's 
 
 BOOK. 
 
 "Washington, July 13, 1864. 
 
 "Whereas, my friend, Majer Jack Downing, of the D wningville 
 Milisha, has issued a Book of Letters, containing his views on rub- 
 lie Affairs, the War, &c, &c. 
 
 " Now, therefore, I do hereby issue this my Proclamasiiin, enjoyn- 
 ing upon every loyal as well as disloyal citisen, includin Loyal Leegers, 
 
XIV INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Abolishinists, Rcpublikans, War Dimmocrats, Copperheads, Clay 
 Banks, Charcoals, &c, to buy this book and to read the same, under 
 penalty of the confiscation of all their property, including niggers 
 of every decripshin. Furthermore, all officers under me, whether 
 civil, military, or otherwise, are hereby ordered, under penalty of 
 court marshal, to purchase the sed book and read it. This order 
 . applies to all Postmasters and their clerks (who are also ordered 
 to assist in the sale of the book), to all Custom-House officials, to 
 all Provo-Marshalls, to all Tax Collectors, Assessors, Recruteing 
 officers, Runners, Brokers, Bounty Jumpers, and espeshally to all 
 Government Swindlers, Contractors, Defaulters, &c, to all Furrin 
 Ambassadors, Ministers Penetentiaries, and their Secretaries of Liti- 
 gation, also to Ministers of the Gospil, Tract Distributers, Nigger 
 Missionaries, male and female, &c, &c. Furthermore, Ginnerals 
 Grant, Sherman, and all other Ginnerals, includin Ginneral Banks, 
 will see to it that the Majer's letters are widely circulated in their 
 armies, as the menny good stories of mine, as well as the Majer's, 
 in the book, will keep the sojers in good sperits. 
 
 " Furthermore, if eny disloyal edditer shall presume to say eny- 
 thing against this book, or advise eny person not to sell or circu- 
 late the same, or aid and abet them in so doing, he shall at once 
 be arrested and his paper stopped. 
 
 " Further, if eny person, in order to avoid the penalties men- 
 tioned above, shall borrow said book, he shall, if it be proved, be 
 fined $1000 in gold. If there be no proof, he shall be sent to Fort 
 La Fayette. 
 
 "Finally, every person purchasing a copy of the Majer's Letters 
 shall be exempt from the draft. All others are at once to be seized 
 and sent to the front. 
 
 " Done in this my city of Washington, in the fourth year of my 
 reign. 
 
 " A. LlNKIN." 
 
LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 
 
 •++»- 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 The Major Announces that he " Still Lives' 7 — Tlie Reason why lie 
 has not Spoken before — Writes to " President Linkin 77 who at 
 once Sends for him — How Lincoln Shakes Hands — His 
 Troubles — Tlie Major's Advice — Lincoln to get an " Appint- 
 ment on Gineral McClellan's Staff 77 — A Story About 
 Old Bye, from Mr. Lincoln. 
 
 Washington, Feb. 4th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin, New York : 
 
 Surs : I 'spose eenamost everybody believed I 
 wus ded, 'cause they 'aint seen any letters of mine 
 in the papers for a good while. But it taint so. 
 I'me alive, and though I can't kick quite as spry 
 as I used to, yet I kin ride a hossback about as 
 good as I could twenty year ago. I am now 
 nigh on eighty years old, and yet, except getting 
 tuckered out easier than I used to, I believe I 
 1 feel jest about as smart as I did when I was a boy. 
 The last letters I writ fer the papers was about 
 
16 LETTERS OF 
 
 ten years ago, when I went all around the country 
 with Kossoot, and showed him the sights. Sence 
 then I've been livin 5 in Downingville, county of 
 Penobscot, State of Maine, and enjoyin' in 
 gineral a good state of helth. But if the public 
 haint heard from me it taint because I wasn't 
 keepin' a close eye on matters and things. But 
 the sartin truth is jest here : I seen, a good while 
 ago, how things was shapin'. I told Kossoot that 
 the pesky Abolishunests would ruin him, and thay 
 did, and I've knowed for a long time that thay 
 would run this country off the Dimokratic track 
 and smash it all to flinders. Wall, they've done 
 it. You may wunder why I haint spoke and told 
 the country all this before. Wall, the reason is 
 jest here: I saw that the breechin' was broke 
 some years ago, and there is no use of talkin or 
 hollerin " whoa !" " whoa !" after that. I've seen 
 the laziest old hoss that ever lived kick and run 
 like all possessed as soon as the shafts tetched his 
 heels, and that's jest the condishun we've been in 
 in this country for some time. We've been kickin' 
 and runnin' and raisin' the old scratch ginerally for 
 ten years, all about these darned kinky-heded 
 niggers. As there is no use of tryin' to stop a 
 runaway hoss after the breechin' brakes until he 
 gets to the bottom of the hill, so there is no use 
 of talkin' to a country while it is goin' in the same 
 
major jack downing. 17 
 
 direcshun. Didn't Noah preech to a hull genera- 
 shim of aunty-Deluvens, and it warn't any use. 
 They lafed him rite in the face ; and cum round 
 him and axed what he intended to do with a boat 
 full of chicken coops, hoss stables, and so on. 
 ; And at last, when the rain begun to cum down like 
 all possessed, they swore it " warn't much of a 
 freshet arter all." Wall, jest so it is with this 
 generashuD. I spect themznfy-slaveryites are sum 
 relashun to the aunty-Deluvens, and that accounts 
 for their simelur behaveyur. 
 
 But I think that we've got most to the bottom 
 of the hill now, and it is about time to get things 
 rited up in some sort of shape. Havin come to 
 this conclushin, about ten days ago I wrote a let- 
 ter to President Linkin, tellin him how that Gine- 
 ral Jackson's old friend was yet alive, and that 
 if he wanted my sarvices or advice I would come 
 on to Washington and help him thro'. Wall, I 
 got a letter rite back, in which Linkin said he 
 " was tickled all into a heap to hear that Gineral 
 Jackson's old friend, Major Jack Downing, was 
 still alive, and that he wanted me to cum on to 
 Washington rite off." So I put off, like shot off 
 a shovel, and dident even stop in York a clay, or 
 1 should have called to see you. The truth is, 
 l'me darned glad I cum. I went rite up to the 
 White House, which looks as nateral as when 
 
18 LETTERS OF 
 
 Gineral Jackson and I lived there, and sent in 
 my keerd. In a minnit the sarvent cam back, and 
 ses he, "walk up." I went up-stairs, and tnen 
 into Linkin's room, and you never seed a feller 
 gladder to see a man than he was to see me. He 
 got hold of my hand, and ses he, " Major, you are 
 a brick. I've thought a thousand times that if I 
 only had such a friend as Gineral Jackson had in 
 you, that I could git along as easy as snuff. But 
 ye see, Major, all these pollyticens are a set of 
 tarnel hyppercrits, and I hate 'em." And he 
 kept talkin and shakin my hand until I thot hed 
 sprain my rist. So I ses, "Mr. Lmkin, I can't 
 stand hard squeezin as well as I used to, so don't 
 hold on quite so hard." Then he apologized, and 
 said " how he was so anxus to see me that he was 
 almost crazy." I told him that " I hed cum to 
 see him through, jist as I did Gineral Jackson, 
 and that I would stick by him as long as their 
 was a shirt to his back, if he would only do 
 rite." 
 
 "Wall," ses he, "Major, that is jist what I 
 want to do. But its awful hard work to tell what 
 is rite. Here 1 am pulled first one way and then 
 tother." 
 
 Now, ses I, " Linkin, Fine goin to talk rite out 
 to you. The fact is, there never was a President 
 that had such a party at his back as you've got. You 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 19 
 
 see its made up of old Whigs, Abolitionists and 
 free sile Dimmycrats. Now, there ain't any more 
 rale mixture to this conglommyrate than there is 
 to ile and water. The truth is, I'd as soon take 
 Illinoy muck, and Jersey mud, and Massachusetts 
 cobble stuns to make a fine coat mortar of, as I 
 would to get such materials to put into a pollyti- 
 cal party. You can't never make them gee." * 
 
 " Wal," ses he, « Major, I've began to think 
 that way myself. The truth is, I've been trying 
 all summer to please everybody, and the more I 
 try to do it the more I don't succeed. When I 
 am conservative, then the aunty-slaveryites come 
 down on me like all possessed, with old Harass 
 Gveelie at their hed. When I go a little t'other 
 way, then the conservatives and my old neighbors, 
 the Kentuckians, they come down upon me, and 
 that takes me right off the handle. I can't stand 
 it. So you see, Major, I'm in hot water all the 
 time." 
 
 ^ " I see your troubles," ses I, - Mr. Linkin, and 
 I'll have to look about some days afore I can get 
 the exact hang of things, but as soon as I do, Til 
 make matters as clear as a pipe stem." 
 
 " Wal," ses he, - Major, I want you to make 
 yourself to hum, and jist call for anything you 
 want." 
 
 I told him there warn't but two things (hat, 
 
20 LETTERS OP 
 
 keered for except victuals, and that was a pipe aud 
 tobacco, and jist a little old rye, now and then. 
 That gave him the hint, and Linkin rang a bell, 
 and a sneakin lookin feller, in putty bad clothes, 
 made his appearance. Linkin told him to get some 
 : tobacco and the black bottle. The feller soon 
 fetched them in, and Linkin said that that " old 
 rye " was twenty years old, and jist about the best 
 licker he ever drank. He said he found it very 
 good to quiet his nerves after a hard day's work. 
 1 told him that that was jist what Giueral Jackson 
 always said — " Did he?" ses Linkin; " Wal," ses 
 he, " I only want to imitate Jackson. That would 
 be glory enough for me." 
 
 " Wal, now," ses I, " Linkin, the first thing you 
 must do, in order to be poplar, is to be a military 
 man. That was the way Jackson got up in the 
 world, and if I had never been a Major, I really 
 believe I'de never been heerd of out of Downing- 
 ville. Now, jist as soon as the people believe you 
 are an officer, with epaulettes on, they'll think you 
 are the greatest man that ever lived." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " I think that is a first chop 
 idea. How can it be carried out ?" 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " you must get an appintment on 
 Gin. McCkllan's staff' ! with the rank of Kernel. 
 Nothing short of that will answer at all. Then 
 get a splendid uniform and a fine boss, and have 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 21 
 
 the papers describe them, and get up pictures, and 
 the shop-keepers will have their windows full of 
 lithographs, and in six months you will be the most 
 poplar man in the country, and sure to be next 
 President." 
 
 When I sed that, he jumped right up, and ses he, 
 " Major, you're worth your weight in gold. You 
 have hit the nail right on the head. I'll do it ; by 
 the Eternal, I'll settle this trouble yet." 
 
 " That's the talk," ses I. *" Just put your foot 
 down, and let it stay down, and you may be sure 
 it will all come out right." 
 
 Then Linkin sed to me, ses he, " Major, take a 
 good swig of this old rye. If you feel sick, have 
 got a cold, or looseness in the bowells, or need 
 physic, or have got the rheumatiz, or pane in the 
 back, or the headache, there's nothen like old rye 
 to set you on your pins just as good as new. Why, 
 Major, let me tell you a story : — There was a fel- 
 ler out West, who got a splinter in his foot. He 
 was splittin' rails one day, and the axe glanced off, 
 and sent a piece of chestnut timber in his heel 
 about as big as an axe-handle. Wal, he tried 
 everything on 'arih. Finally, he came to me, and 
 I gave him some old rye, and the splinter came 
 out in five minutes afterwards." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Linkin, " that is a purty good 
 story, and old rye is a capital drink, but as for 
 
22 LETTERS OF 
 
 medicin', giv' me my old stuff, elderberry bark tea. 
 It's handy to use. Scrape it downwards, and it 
 makes a fust rate fisic, and scrape it upwards it is 
 a capital emetic. The only danger is that you 
 scrape it round-about-ways, when it stirs up a 
 young earthquake in a man's bowclls equal to 
 Mount Vesuvius on a bust. Kossoot made a 
 mistake of this kind once, and I had to hed him 
 up in a flour barrel, and roll him round the room 
 afore he cum to." 
 
 When Linkin heard how I rolled Kossoot in a 
 flour barrel, he laid back and larfed as hard as he 
 could roar, and said he hadn't felt in such good 
 spirits since he had been in Washington. 
 
 I telled him he nmsn't get the blews, and that I 
 should cheer him up. Then he tuk me by the 
 han' and bid me a very feclin' good-night, and the 
 feller in bad clothes showed me to my room. I 
 slept as sound as a bug in a rug all night, and feel 
 good as new this mornin'. 
 
 I shall soon get things straightened out here, I 
 hope, and if anything interestin' happens, you may 
 hear from me agin. 
 
 Your friend till deth, 
 
 Majee Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 23 
 
 LETTER II. 
 
 Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make the 
 Presid ntfs Uniform — A Provoking Accident— Mr. Lincoln 
 j/clls a Story — The Major us a " Co?nm eniater" on the Con- 
 stitution — Mrs. Lincoln's Party — " Insine Stebbins, of the 
 Downingville Insensibles, W ites a Paradox for the Occasion^ 
 — The Major gets Angry — Lincoln Tells a Story About Vir- 
 ginia Mud. 
 
 Washington, Feb. 15, 18G2. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Sues : — Didn't I tell you that, as soon as I got 
 here, I would straiten things out ? You never see 
 a happier man, now-a-days, than Linkin is. When 
 I cum here he was ecnamost reddy to go into a 
 hasty consumpshin. He had been lettin things go 
 on at loose eencls, with two or three fellers man- 
 aging things, and they were eternally pullin' jest 
 as many ways. Linkin had been in the habit of 
 sayin' that he warnt no military man. I telled 
 him he must stop that at onet — that he knowed 
 jest as much as eny of 'em. So when I told him 
 he must be a Kernel, he at once went in for it. 
 Wal, I hev bin jist as busy as a bee in a tar bucket 
 gettin' his solger clothes reddy. I sent clear to 
 Maine to get Deacon Jenkins, who made all the 
 clothes for the Downingville Insensibles, and he 
 arrived here last week. It ain't no easy matter 
 
24 LETTERS OF 
 
 to cut for Linkin's figer, but I knowed the Deacon 
 could do it, if eny body on arth could. But Dea- 
 con Jenkins, you see, is a small, stumpy man, not 
 much longer than he is wide — while Linkin is 
 eenamost as tall as a rail, and mity near as slim. 
 Wal, I hadn't thought of this ; so when the Deacon 
 cum he couldn't measure Linkin round the neck 
 for a military stand up coller, eny more than he 
 could climb a been pole. Linkin sed he'd git 
 down on his nees, or on all fores, if necessary, but 
 I wouldn't let him, 'cause it would be wantin' in 
 dignity. So I got two cheers, and laid a board 
 acrost 'em, and Deacon Jenkins got up on 'em. While 
 he was standin' ther, the board broke, and down 
 come the Deacon rite on the floor, inakin' the White 
 House all shake agin. He turned dredful red in 
 the face, but Linkin sed "it warnt asuckemstance 
 to a fall he onct had out of a chestnut tree. He 
 sed, when he was a boy he used to go out, and jest 
 for a breakfast spell split a load of rails. One 
 mornin' he dumb a tree to get some young crows 
 out of a nest, and the lim broke and down he cum 
 full thirty feet. Sum people thought he was ded, 
 but he allers believed it was the resin he was so 
 tall, for he started groin rite oif after that, and 
 didn't stop till he was six feet five inches !" 
 
 By the time Linkin got tru tellin' his story, the 
 Deacon hed got up on the cheers agin and tuk the 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 25 
 
 measure. Then he hed the clothes made, and in 
 three days they cum hum all rite. Wal, I wish 
 the hull country could see the Kernel (I call him 
 Kernel all the time now) in his new clothes. He 
 looks like a new man, and, what is more, he acts 
 like a new one. 
 
 The other day I telled him he must giv the or- 
 ders to the new Seckretary of War, but he kinder 
 held back, and sed he didn't like tu take too much 
 on his shoulders at onct. Besides, he didn't feel 
 it was right for a Kernel tu dictate in that way. 
 Then I telled him that the place was only a com- 
 plimentery one, but that he was raley a Ginneral 
 and a Commydore all in one. Wal, he sed " he 
 couldn't see intu that." Than I telled him how 
 that the Constetushinsed that he was "Commander- 
 in-Cheef of the Army and Navy," and that that 
 made him a Ginneral and a Commydore. Wen I 
 sed that, he jumped out of his cheer and ses he, 
 " Majer, you are jest about the keenest commenta- 
 ter on the Constetushin I ever heerd talk. Why, 
 Majer, cf I had only thought of that, I would hev 
 put it into my Inaugerole. Wouldn't it hev made 
 a sensashin ?" 
 
 Wal, ever since the Kernel has tuk the ribbins 
 
 into his hands, he has been puttin' things rite thru, 
 
 and victeries hev cum along jest as fast as possi- 
 
 bul. Linkin is a terribul feller to work wen he 
 
 2 
 
26 LETTERS OF 
 
 he has a mind to. He run Secketary Stantin into 
 a fit of the vertegris the very furst week he went 
 into the harniss, and as for the other members of 
 the Cabbynet, there ain't one that kin hold a kan- 
 dil to him. 
 
 Ther's bin a terribul time about the financies 
 since I hev bin here ; but the victeries in Kentuc- 
 kee and Rowingoak hev made a good many long 
 faces look as good-natured as ef the Union was all 
 rite agin. I telled Ginneral Wilsin, from Massa- 
 chew-sits, the other day, that he orter vote a gold 
 meddle to the President in honer of the good 
 noose, but Somnure wanted to insart the Wilmut 
 Proviso in the bill, and so I wouldn't hev nothin 
 to du with it. I don' expec' that, after all, they'll 
 be willin' to giv'Linkin the credit he dcsarvcs, for 
 thcr' ain't a man here, from a Senatur in Congriss 
 down to a sargant of the hoss mareens, who don't 
 expec' tu be next President. 
 
 Wall, I hev run on so about politicks and so 
 forth, that I eenamost forgot to tell you about 
 Mrs. Linkin's party. IVe seen a good many big 
 things in that way sence I was a boy, but this was 
 a lectle ahead of all. The sojers, and the wim- 
 men, and the cabbynet, and the forren Ministers 
 Pennitenshery, with their Seckateries of Litcga- 
 shin, were all ther. The tables w r crc all kivered 
 over with sugar frost, eenamost as white as a 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 27 
 
 Maine snow bank, and Mrs. Linkin hiked like a 
 young gal jest out of schule. The way she did in- 
 tertane the kumpany was a caushin to peepul who 
 don't know the ropes. Insine Stebbins, of the 
 Downingville Insensibles, was ther, and ef ther is 
 a smart feller in the army, the Insine is one. He 
 kin rite poetry almost equil to Longfeller, and as 
 for singin', the Italian band-ditty can't begin with 
 him. Wen the kumpany were sot down to the 
 table, Deacon Jenkins was kalled on to say grace, 
 and wen they got thru, the hull kumpany kalled on 
 Insine Stebbins to sing a paradox which he had 
 kumposed specially for the occashin, as follers : 
 
 From Varmount's icy mountins, 
 
 From licker hatin' Maine, 
 Where streems of goldin wisky 
 
 Go strate agin the grane; 
 From menny a country cawkis, 
 
 From menny a country shop, 
 We cum to greet thee, Linkin, 
 
 At this here Linkin hop ! 
 
 Wot tho' the Nor 1 - West breezes 
 
 Blow sum o'er Georgetown hill, 
 And likewise also freezes 
 
 The troops at Turner's Mill ? 
 Wat tho' the army hosses 
 
 Die off for want of food ? 
 We'll drink Old Ryu with Abram, 
 
 Because Old Bye is good. 
 
28 LETTERS OP 
 
 Wot tho' the Yankee nashin 
 
 Pores out the warlike flud, 
 And sogers of all stashin 
 
 Are stashined in the mud ? 
 Wot tho' the sly contracters 
 
 Defraud us rite and left, 
 And Uncle Sam's old stockin' 
 
 Of all his cash is reft ? 
 
 Wot tho' the taxis plague us, 
 
 And heeps of corn must spile, 
 Wile poor folks three times over 
 
 Their coffee-grounds must bile ? 
 Does not grate Dr. Cheever, 
 
 (And shall he speke in vain ?) 
 Command us to delivur 
 
 The land from slavery's ehane? 
 
 Shall we whose harts are litened 
 
 With Rye, and cake and wine, 
 Shall we to Cuff and Dinah 
 
 Give nought but crust and rine ? 
 Abolition ! Abolition ! >• 
 
 The joyful sound proclaine, 
 Till each remotest nigger 
 
 Has learned the Linkin name! 
 
 " Allien ! seel-er !" yelled out Deacon Jenkins, 
 at the very tip-top of his voice, wile nigh about 
 the hull kumpany seemed to be hily tickled, except 
 Linkin and his wife and me. I was so mad that I 
 eenamost bust my biler. I went rite strate up to 
 the Insine, and ses I, " Insine Stebbins, I knowed 
 you and Deacon Jenkins was both red-hot Aboli- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 29 
 
 shunests, but I tho't all the folks in Downingville 
 had kommun sence, and wood know better than 
 to interduce pollyticks on a festiv occashin, spe- 
 cially anything faverabul to Cheever and Gree-lie 
 and kumpany, who are the hull time abusin' Lin- 
 kin and Mrs. Linkin." Then the Insine said that 
 Sumnure had helped him rite the paradox, jest on 
 purpose to see how Linkin woo J like it. "Wal," 
 I told him, " that that was jest as much sence as 
 well as manners as I shud expect from Sumnure." 
 Then Deacon Jenkins cum up and sed sumthing, 
 and I lit on him for hollerin' " Amen" rite afore 
 the hull diplomatick core, jest as ef he'd been at a 
 prayer meetin' in the Downingville schule house. 
 Mrs. Linkin was very much pleased at the way I 
 laid down the law to the Deacon. The Kernel 
 didn't say much, but looked daggers out of his 
 ize, and seemed nigh about as cross as a cross-cut 
 saw all the rest of the evenin'. The bawl, how- 
 sumever, went off in all other respecs in furst rate 
 stile, and Mrs. Linkin is now regarded as the very 
 a-leet of fashin. 
 
 There's not much else that's new this week. 
 The roads have been in an impassabul condishin 
 for some time, and unless some feller kin invent a 
 patent rite for settin' them up edge ways to drene, 
 I don't believe they'll be scasely settled before 
 the summer solstis. I tolled Linkin I never seed 
 
30 LETTERS OF 
 
 such mud iu my born days. " Wal," ses he, " let 
 me tell you a story about mud. Virginny can't 
 hold a kandel to Illinoy in that respect. One 
 time a man was travellin' 'long the road jest a little 
 nor-east of Springfield, wen he found a hat layin' 
 in the mud, rite in the middel of the road. He 
 stepped out keerful to get it, and he was all 
 struck up a heep to find a man's hed under it, 
 and he in the mud clean up to his very chin. 
 ; Darn my pectur, nabor, if you ain't in a fix. 
 Cum, let me git hold of you, and I'll help pull you 
 out.' * No ! No !' sed the feller in the mud, spittin' 
 out the dirty water ; ' No! No ! I don't want your 
 help — much ableeged to you — for I've got a good 
 hoss under me, and he'll fetch me out as sure as 
 preachin !"' 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I shan't try to match 
 that story to-day." The truth is, that I didn't 
 feel like it. I've bin kinder under the wether 
 since the bawl. Washington is a terrible place 
 for nager and fever, and all kinds of billyus kem- 
 plantes. One of the President's leetle shavers 
 has bin dangrus sick for sum daze, but I hope 
 he'll rekiver. 
 
 I got yuere letter tellin' me that sum of yuere 
 subscriburs wanted me to rite a letter every week 
 for yuere paper. Wal, I will, if I kin, but I 
 can't promis sartin. You see an old man nigh on 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 31 
 
 eighty years old don't feel jest limber enuf to rite 
 at any and all times, but wenever I hevn't got the 
 lumbager or rumatiz, and my ideas ain't froze up, 
 you'll hcer from me, once in two weeks, and per- 
 haps oftener, wen the weather gets more stedy. 
 Your friend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
32 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER III. 
 
 1 he Major has an Attack of the Ague and Fever — Begins to get I 
 the Hang of Ma'ters at Washington — Mr. Lincoln's Improve- ■ 
 inent in " Military Nollege" — Studying " Stratygims" for 
 Gen. McClellan — The Major Suggests a Difficulty — Mr. Stan- 
 ton Called on — The Negroes at Port Royal — *' The Nigger 
 Teachin Fever' 1 '' — Deacon Jenkins 1 Daughter aoes to Port 
 Royal to Teach the Negroes. 
 
 Washington, March 1st, 1862. 
 To the Editurs of the Caivcushin : 
 
 I've had a terribul fit of the ager sence I writ 
 yu last, and one time I thought it was about " nip 
 and go tuck " wether the ager or natur wucl whip, 
 but I've got a strong constetushin and it cum out 
 best, as it allers has so far in life. Linkin, too, 
 has been kinder under the wether. The loss of 
 his little boy affected him terribully. Ef it hadn't 
 ben for the good noose and the Union victories I 
 don't know how we could have got along. But 
 we are all gettin' better very fast now, and things 
 begin to look brighter. 
 
 I begin to get the hang of matters here now, 
 and the way Linkin and Stantin and me will set- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 33 
 
 tie affairs before long will be a cawshin. Stantin 
 is a steem injinc in breeches. The grate trubbul 
 Linkiu now has is the Abolishinests. They are 
 tryin' to drive him to free all the niggers down 
 South, and all the preechers, moril reformers and 
 lecterers are constantly writin' letters here pray~ 
 in' Linkin to go rite on and turn the niggers all 
 loose. Sometimes we get as many as three bush- 
 els of letters in one mornin', from the strong- 
 minded wimmin and week-minded men in the 
 North, who don't know anv more about niirerers 
 than they do about the man in the moon. Linkin 
 don't pretend to read 'em or even take a look at 
 'em. He told me one day that I might look 'em 
 over, and see ef thar wus enny sence in enny of 
 'em, but I couldn't find enny thing but texts of 
 Scriptur, and sams and hims and extracts from 
 Greece's paper and Cheevur's sarmons. Wen I 
 told Linkin that he sed he didn't want to know 
 enny more about 'em, for he had had about enuff 
 of such pesky fanaticks. I kin jist toll them fel- 
 lers that are writin' here such long letters, that it 
 aint any use. 
 
 But the grate subject that has occupied the at- 
 tenshin of all of us for two weeks past, has ben ! 
 the grand forrard movement. Linkin improves 
 mitey fast in military nollige, and is eenamost 
 reddy to graduate from a Kernel into a Ginncral. 
 2* 
 
34 LETTERS OF 
 
 Wal, as I was sayin', we've been as bizzy as bees 
 in gitiin things redely for a start. EfStantin and 
 Ginneral McClelliii, and the Kernal and me 
 didn't work hard at stratygims, then thar aint 
 any such word in the dickshinncry. We had 
 charts, and maps, and diaphragms, and kumpasses 
 to measure the distances with, and all sorts of 
 queer looking instruments that I can't remember 
 the name of. But Ginneral McClelliii knew all 
 about 'em, I tell you. He could tell how fur it 
 wus from one place to tother on the map, jest as 
 easy as if he'd been over the ground and meas- 
 ured it with a ten foot pole. Wal, wen he'd tell 
 the distense frcm one place to tother, the Kernel 
 would put it down on a piece of paper so as to see 
 jest how fur the grand army would have to travil 
 afore they got to Richmond. Wal, bime by Lin- 
 kin had got a string of figers which kivered a 
 hull page of writin paper, and then he undertook 
 to ad 'em up. It warn't long, however, before he 
 got things so mixed up that he couldn't tell hed 
 from tale. Finally he turned to mo and ses he, 
 " Majer, can't you help me out of this scrape ?" I 
 told him I would ef he would only send for a slate, 
 but that I couldn't figer on paper, that I larned to 
 sifer on a slate, and that it allers cum terribel on- 
 handy for me to figer in enny uther stile. So he 
 called that feller in purty bad clothes, and told 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 35 
 
 him to get a slate. Wen it cum I went to work, 
 and tlio' my hand aint bcm in the business much 
 sense I sifered up the ackounts for Ginneral Jack- 
 son in Squire Biddle's bank, yet I soon stratened 
 matters out, and Linkin was dredful tickelcd at 
 it. He sed " Apostle Paul couldn't beet it him- 
 self." I forgot to tell you that the Kernel calls 
 Ginneral McCiellin his Apostle Paul, so you 
 needn't believe enny of the stories in the Aboli- 
 shin papers about the Kernel and Ginneral 
 McCiellin being at logger-heds. Even General 
 Jackson and Mr. Van Buren were never better 
 friends than Linkin and McCiellin. Wal, to 
 make a long story short, we got every thing all 
 settled, tho' it took the last night till eenamost 
 mornin before we got thru. I had bent over the 
 tabil so long, lookin at the diaphragms, that I had 
 a stitch iii my back, and Linkin was bent eenamost 
 dubil. 
 
 After it was all over with and every thing had 
 been decided on, ses Linkin, seshe, " Majer, don't 
 you think that that is a capytal stratygim V Ses 
 I, ;i Yes, Kernel, that is jest about as nigh rite as 
 you kin get it ; but, ses I, " there's one thing you ain't 
 provided for." Ses he, « what's that ?" " Wal," 
 ses I, " for a fire in the rear !" " Wal," ses Lin- 
 kin, " now the Major is gettin off a joke on us, for 
 
36 LETTERS OF 
 
 thar ain't no chance for a fire in the rear, except 
 it comes from John Bull, and ain't Seward spiked 
 his guns ?" " Now," ses I, " Kernel, you ain't as 
 old as I am ; ef you was you would see jest what I 
 mean." Ses I, " don't you know that the Abole- 
 shin papers hate Ginneral McClellan as bad as 
 they do Jeff Davis, and jest as soon as the grand 
 army begins to move they'll expose all his plans, 
 and the rebils will have em all in Richmund in 
 time to defeat em ?" " Wal, that is a fact," ses 
 Linkin, " I never thought of that ; but they will as 
 sure as preachen do jest what the Majer ses ; but 
 what kin we do ?" " Wal," ses I, « I'll tell you 
 what to do. Jest let Secketary Stantin issu an 
 order stopping all war news, and put every Abo- 
 leshin editer that dares to disobey it into Fort La 
 Fayette. Giv em a dose of their own fisic, and 
 see how they'll like it." 
 
 When Linkin heard that he jumped rite up, and 
 ses he, " that is jest the checker. These Abolesh- 
 inests have bin as much trubble to me as the se- 
 cesh, and I don't know but a leetle more. I spect 
 I'll have to hang a iew on em yet before I can git 
 a settled peece." 
 
 Then Linkin asked Secketary Stantin what he 
 thought of my idee, and he sed it was jest what 
 was needed, and so Linkin told him to draw up 
 the order and put it thru strong. Wal, so you 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 37 
 
 see how the " Youkase," as sum of our York edi- 
 tors call it, cum to be issued. I sec sum of em 
 growled and snarled over it like mad dogs, but it 
 warn't no use. They know now how it feels to be 
 put under the thum screws. So ef you can git the 
 news, jest keep quiet a leetle while and you'll hear 
 music. 
 
 There aiir t much else that's new here jest now. 
 But tother day there was a feller cum on here 
 from York to see Linkin about what should be 
 done for the niggers at Port Royal. He asked 
 Linkiu what could be done ? " Wal," ses Linkin, 
 " I spose you've heerd the story about a feller who 
 won an elephant at a raffle, and after he got him 
 didn't know what to do with him ? Wal, so it is 
 with the niggers we've got. There they are, but 
 ef any live man kin tell what to do with em, I'de 
 like to hear him.. They eat more than the sojers, 
 are lazy, and cost more than they cum to, jest like 
 the old Injin's dog." 
 
 Then this feller, who seemed to be a spirital 
 chap, something like a dominy, put on a long face, 
 and sed how " these culered peepal were our 
 bretheren in the Lord, and that they had been 
 brought up as hethens, hed never been taught 
 : reedin, or ritiu, or rithmetic, but ground down to 
 i the arth with chains and slavery. He said he 
 felt deeply for 'em, and that his coushence wouldn't 
 
38 LETTERS OF 
 
 let him rest day nor nite, but he was willin' tu de- 
 vote his dazs tu preachin' the Gospel tu 'em, &c, 
 &c.j but the cute feller wound up by axing Linkin 
 wether he wouldn't reckermend Congress tu appro- 
 prate sum money for the good of these poor cre- 
 turs. Wen he sed that I seen rite thru' him, and 
 I give Linkin the wink. So he put him off by say- 
 in' he would think it over. Wen he went away I 
 told Linkin jest what I thought of him. How 
 that he was one of that kind of salm siimn' Yan- 
 kees who ,/as allers lookin' out for sum way tu git 
 a livin' without workin.' 
 
 It is astonishin' tho' how this nigger teachin' 
 fever is goin\ It has broke out even here in 
 Washin'ton. Deacon Jenkins' darter, Jerushy 
 Matilda, who cum on with her par, when he was 
 sent for tu make Linkin's sojer clothes, cum across 
 that feller, an he talked her intu goin' down to 
 Port Royal tu tech nigger schules. Now, Jerushy 
 is a smart gal ; her mother an my wife were second 
 cuzzins. She kin rite poetry purty good for a gal 
 of her age, for she ain't more than twenty-two, 
 but she's got all the nigger nonsense in her hed, 
 and I can't no more drive it out than I kin fly, 
 Somehow Abolishin gits hold of the feelins of tho 
 wimmiu folks, an it cums from their not knowiu' 
 what the nigger realy is ; so 1 telled Jerushy tu 
 go, an ef she didn't get sick of tryin' to make nig- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 30 
 
 gcrs do an act, and larn, an sifer, an read, like 
 white folks, then I would pay all her expenses, an 
 turn nigger misheenery myself. But she sed I was 
 an old fogy. It appears that solem feller told her 
 that the niggers hed been whipped by their mas- 
 ters every mornin' before breakfast, with a cat-a'- 
 nine-tailes, an that all they had tu eat was corn- 
 stalks and cotton seeds ! This tuck hold of Jeru- 
 shy's feelins amazinly, an she packed up her best 
 clothes, an went off with him. She promised tu 
 rite me how she got along, an what she thinks of 
 things down there. Ef ther's eny thing interestin' 
 in the letter, I'll send it tu you tu print. 
 
 Your friend, 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
40 LETTERS OP 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 
 A Delegation calls Upon the President — The Major Indignant — 
 Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story — Curious Compositio-i of the Re- 
 publican Party — Difficulty of Keeping it Together — The 
 President Hopes to do it by " Sloshin About"" 1 — Deacon Jen- 
 kins Again — He is a Temperance 3fan, but Takes a Glass of 
 Old Rye. 
 
 Washington, March 18th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — We've all ben at sixes and sevens here 
 since I writ you last. The rebils have knocked all 
 our stratygims into a kocked hat. The fact was, 
 we had the plan fixed to catch 'em jest as easy as 
 you can kill a rabbit under a ded fall, but they 
 wouldn't stay to be catched. Linkin ses " they 
 are like to Paddy's flee, when you git where they 
 are they ain't ther." It is ginerally believed 
 here that some of the Somnure click who hate G-in- 
 neral McClellan so much, ralely informed the in- 
 emy of our movements, and that that give 'em 
 time to pack up their trumpery and git out of the 
 trap. You see Somnure, Gree/ie & Co. are afeerd 
 that McClellen will be the next President, and 
 they are doin all they kin to brake him down. The 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 41 
 
 other day a hull boodle of these Abolishinists come 
 iu a bodcly to the President to demand "justis to 
 Freemount." I was standin jest back of Linkin 
 up in the office room, when old Moril, of my 
 State, and Luvjoy, and Somnure, and Hale, and 
 Julian, and Ashley, and a hull lot more of the same 
 stripe, cum in. They sed " they cum as a com- 
 mitty from a cawkis of the party to demand, as an 
 act of justis, that Freemount should be appointed 
 to sum kommand." Wen I heered 'em say that 
 they demanded it, I felt my blud bileing away 
 down to my bootes ; in fac, it seemed as ef my 
 bootes was full of bileing water. They sed they 
 represented the Republican party, and that the 
 party demanded it, that the peopul demanded it, 
 and that the noosepapers demanded it, and that ef 
 he didn't do it, they would consider that he in- 
 tended to forsake his party, and go over to the 
 Dimmycrats. All the wile I felt as ef I'd giv a 
 thousan dollars for one hour of Old Hickery. How 
 he void d hev made the fur fly ef any body had un- 
 dertuk to dictate to him in that way. But Linkin 
 didn't say nothing until alter they got all thro, 
 then he rez up kinder limpsey. and ses he, " Gen- 
 tlemen, I will considder this ere matter over, and 
 sec what 1 kin do. 1 reckon 1 kin kinder fix 
 things out to suit you." Then they went off. 
 Alter they were gone Linkin turned to mo and 
 
42 LETTERS OF 
 
 ses he, " Majer, what do you think of that ?" 
 " Wal," scs I. " Kernel, I tell you jest what I was 
 thinkin while that insultin feller was talkin. I 
 was wishin that Ginneral Jackson was alive and 
 President for about twenty-four hours. Why, ef 
 that feller had talked to him in that way, he 
 would have seized his hickory and kaned him out 
 of the room." Ses I, " Kernel, you are too good- 
 natured. These pesky pollyticians will driv you 
 to perdishin, and the country, too, ef you ain't 
 kerful." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " what am I to do ? There 
 ain't no doubt that my party are all aunty-slavery, 
 and a good menny of 'em out and out immediate 
 Abolishinists. They are a pullin me like ail pos- 
 sessed. They've got hold of my feet, my toes, my 
 cote tale, my trowsers, and pullin away as ef they 
 ment to rip every rag of clothin oil' me, and I 
 don't feel sure but they'll pull my legs off my bod- 
 dy. lam ho.ldin on as hard as I kin, but I feel as 
 ef my hold was slippin. Now, what on arth am 
 I to do ?" 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, there's nothin like got- 
 ten a fresh hold wen you feel that you are slippin. 
 So jest spit on your hands, as the sailyers do, and 
 take a new hold." 
 
 "Now, Majer," says Linkin, "that reminds 
 me of a story. Some Irishmen were once diggin 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 43 
 
 a well, and by sum means the rope on the wind- 
 less broke, and the Irucket went down to the bot- 
 tom. How to get it was the questshin. After 
 planum and thiukin for some time, Paddy O'Brien, 
 who was the boss, he ses to Teddy O'Flanagao, 
 ses he, i I will take hold of the windless with my 
 hands, and Teddy, you take hold of my legs, and 
 let Patrick take hold of Teddy's legs, and so on, 
 until we can git down to the bucket and rache it 
 up.' • So they all went at it, but it warnt long be- 
 fore Paddy found that the heft was too grate for 
 him, an he felt that his hold on the windless was 
 slippin. So he sung out tu Teddy, who was below 
 him, ses he, 'Teddy, me.boy, hould last there till 
 I spit on me hands,' an as he let go tu spit on his 
 hands, down the hull party went tu the bottom of 
 the well. Now," ses Linkin, ses he, " that would 
 be jest the way with me. Ef I let go to spit on 
 me hands, down my hull party will go, and no one 
 will ever see it agin." 
 
 Wal, ses I, " Kernel, ef you do go down in that 
 way you will be on top/" "That's a fact," ses 
 Linkin. " I didn't- think of that, but then, who 
 would want tu be on the top of such a party ! 
 You see, ef the party had any timber in it that 
 you could use tu make another out of, there would 
 bo sum prospec ahed. But ye sec thar aint. Tli. 
 
41 LETTERS OF 
 
 stuff is cross-grained and knotty, and a good deal 
 of it mity rotten. Ef I could split it about half 
 in two, so as tu weld one piece on tu the Dcmmy- 
 cratic party, I would do that. But you can't split 
 it any more than you kin a pepperage log. I know 
 sumthin about splittin, and ef any man could do it 
 I could. No, Major, ef my party goes tu pieces 
 at all, it will brake up intu a thousand splinters, 
 jest like a chesnut tree wen it is struck by light- 
 nin." 
 
 Wal, ses I, "Kernel, are you goin to give Free- 
 mount a kommand?" Wal, ses he, " I*'spose I'll 
 hev tu do sumthin for him. I'll give him some 
 place where he can't do any harm ; cf I don't, 
 these fellers will stop the wheels of government, 
 an I can't run it any longer." Wal, ses I, " Ker- 
 nal, ef they stop the wheels of the government 
 then I'de run it on the axletrees afore I'de giv in 
 tu these pesky critters. You kinder giv in tu em 
 on your emancipashin proclamashin, and cf yu 
 keep on your gone, and the government is gone 
 tu. You can't restore the Union in that way 
 enny more than you can build a stone wall out of 
 clam shells. Besides, you'll break off your Ken- 
 tuckee frends. 
 
 " Wal, yes, that's so," ses Linkin, " but don't 
 you see, Majer, I've got to break off with sum- 
 
MAJOR .JACK DOWNING. 45 
 
 body f Ef I do as the Kefituckians want me tu, 
 then I shall break with my party, and ef I don't, 
 then I shall have to break off with them. Now 
 which shall it be? That's the question. Now, 
 thai* ain't Dimmycrats enuff in Congress tu be of 
 enny sarvice to me, and the few that are thar are 
 most of em like the last run of shad, very poor 
 and very mean. Thar aint more than three or 
 four that dare say their souls are their own, and 
 I can't git along with such a party as that. I 
 hope I'll git thru by sloshin first one way and 
 then tothcr, without havin a rumpus with enny of 
 em, but ef I don't, « sufficient to the day is the 
 evil of it,' as the Scriptur ses." 
 
 1 aint had a letter from Jerushy Matilda, the 
 darter of Deacon Jenkins, sense she went off to 
 Port Royil with that solein feller. Her par, 
 Deacon Jenkins, who made Linkin's sojer clothes, 
 is still here. He is a very pious man, the Deacon 
 is, and he thinks Jerusha is goiu to do a heep of 
 good to the niggers in turning mishinary. He 
 thinks the nio-o-ers are all brought up as hethens, 
 
 GO O 1 ' 
 
 and never heerd the name of God. I telied him 
 " I guessed ef they went around much whar the 
 Maine sojers were, that they would here his name 
 pretty often, for they kin outsware any set of men 
 I ever heerd talk." Wen the Deacon heerd how 
 
46 LETTERS OF 
 
 that Mannassah was taken, he cum rite up to the 
 White House and congratulated Linkin on his 
 success. Linkin felt kinder tickled at first about 
 it, but wen I telled him how it war en t much of a 
 victory to let a hull army slip thru our fingers, 
 Linkin seemed to think so, too. But Deacon Jen- 
 kins, he sed he could prove it frum Scriptur, and 
 so he got a big Bibil and red the 61st Sam, which 
 is all about Manassah and Gil-ed and Mo-abe and 
 washpots, and so on. I telled him I could'nt see 
 no simurlarity in it, but he stuck to it that it tiper- 
 fied the retreat of the rebils. Linkin red it over 
 two or three times, and sed it red for all the 
 world like one of Seward's non-committal letters. 
 First he thought it did, and then he thought it 
 didn't, and finally he giv it up in dispare. I 
 telled 'em them they might try to draw conser- 
 lashin from the Bibil, but I felt down about the 
 matter, and didn't know as I could sleep. Linkin 
 sed he felt bad, too, but the Deacon declared he 
 felt first rate. I telled Linkin I must have sum 
 Old Rye afore I could go to bed, and he sed his 
 nerves were very oneasy too. So the feller in 
 bad clothes fetched in the black bottle, and we 
 tuk a good swig. I telled the Deacon that he 
 needn't take enny, as he felt so good, but 
 he would have sum. The Deacon pretends to 
 be a grate temperance man wen he is hum, 
 
MAJOR JACK -DOWNING. 47 
 
 but 1 find ho likes a glass of wisky now and 
 then, espeshily if he thinks the Downingville 
 folks won'.t heer of it. I hope I shall heer frum 
 Jerusha by the time I rite to you agin. 
 Your frend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downiug. 
 
48 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER V . 
 
 A Blue Time- The Major Wins a lint of the President—The 
 Richmond Expedition of Gen. McClellan — Mr. Lincoln's 
 Trick on the Major — A Letter From Jcrusha Matilda Jen- 
 kins — She Gives Her Experience in Negro Teaching — Pris~ 
 cella Huggins and Elder Sniffles — Cloe, the Negro Girl wlio 
 " Could not be Good unless she ivas Licked?'' — A Negro Meet- 
 ing — Dancing and Singing — The Unpleasant Odor — Negroes 
 Stenl Miss Huggins" 1 Clothes — They Purloin Jerusha's Petti- 
 coat — It is Thought that their Religion is not " Very Deep" — - 
 Mr. Lincoln Hears the Letter Read — He Declares that Port 
 Royal is a " Cussed Hole" 1 — Deacon Jenkins Shocked — he 
 Proves it by the Scriptures. 
 
 Washington, April 1st, 1862. 
 To the Editors of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — I've ben awftflly clown in the mouth 
 sence I writ you last. Things don't move nigh as- 
 fast as we all expected they would a spell ago ; 
 but I can't tell you the resin, for it wouldn't do 
 to rite noose, for the rebils would get it. Lin- 
 kin has ben feelin amazin bad ; one clay, wen we 
 both had the dumps, Seward cum in, and ses he, 
 " chefer up ; its all goiu to be over in thirty days." 
 Linkin ses Seward reminds him of fellers he's seen 
 out West who had the ager and fever. One day thoy 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 40 
 
 think they are well, and the next they are shakin 
 agin like ail possessed. Wal, Linkin ralely did 
 think that MeClellan would be in Richmond by 
 
 the 1st of April, even MeClellan thought so. I 
 tolled Linkin he wouldn't, and bet him a bran 
 new hat on it. So to-day I won it, but will yon 
 believe it, Linkin got a bet on me. He's a dred- 
 ful cute critter in his way. Ses he to me, kinder 
 funnin me 1 thought, ses he, " Majer, will you 
 make a bet with me ?" Ses I, " Yes, Kernel, I've 
 jest won a bet of you, and taint more than fair 
 to let you have a chanst now." "Wal," ses he, 
 "I'll bet you a hat that I kin sneeze jest wen 
 I've a mind to." Ses I, " Kernel, I don't believe 
 it, and so I'll bet you. Now," ses I, "let's see 
 you sneeze." "Wal," ses he, "I aiut a mind to 
 now. So," ses he, " hand over that new hat." 
 Ses he, " Majer, you aint quite as .-mart as you 
 thought you was." Ses I, " Kernel, now jest hold 
 on about the forty-leventh part of a minit. You 
 bet me a new hat, but I only bet you a hat, so," ses 
 I, " you kin take theold one /" " Wal," ses Linkin, 
 " Majer, you are jest the keenest Yankee I ever. 
 heerd tell on. You allers contrive to git ahcd of 
 me after all." 
 
 The other day I got a letter from Jerushy Ma- 
 tilda, Deacon Jenkins' darter, and Linkin was 
 eenamost crazy to see how Chase's missionaries 
 3 
 
50 LETTERS OF 
 
 cum on. So I sot down, Deacon Jenkins was thar 
 too, and read it all to Lin kin, and I send it to you 
 to print, jest as I promised. So here it is in full. 
 Jerushy is a proper smart gal, and I guess thar 
 aint iucnny of her age who can beat her : 
 
 Beaufort, S. C, March 25, 1802. 
 Deer Uncle — I take my pen in hand to fulfil 
 my promise to you. Now, I'm goin to rite you the 
 hull truth about things in this part of the Lord's 
 vinyard. I shall tell you some grate news, so you 
 must not tell par of it, for ef you do he'll rite hum 
 about it, and then it will soon be all over Down- 
 iugville. I jest as live mar would know it as not, 
 but then she'll tell aunt Betsy Wiggles, and aunt 
 Betsy will go rite over to old Deliverance Grimes, 
 and tell her, and then Deliverance she'll put on 
 her bonnet and start all over town, and ef Jim 
 Pendergrass gets hold of it he'll hector me to 
 death, for he's a rale pro-slavery Dimmyerat, and 
 thinks that our colored brethren and sisters arc 
 fit only for slaves. I can't deny that I've been 
 much discncurriged sence I've been here. You 
 sec we've got a very queer set of gals and men 
 here with us. Some of 'em are quite old gals, 
 who haint been very lucky in life, and naturally 
 they feel kinder sour towards men in gineral. 
 Some of 'em have been schule marms for a good 
 
 . 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 51 
 
 many years, and some have been milliner gals. 
 Two of 'em had a rale spat on the boat while we 
 were comin here. The way it happened was this: 
 There is a spruce looking old maid by the name of 
 Priscilla Huggins, fromBosting, who is very gift- 
 ed in prayer, and she tuk a great notion to Elder 
 Sniffles, a young preacher, who is one of the piesest 
 men I ever see. She is quite an old gal, and there 
 was another gal, a nice looking and quite young 
 gal, from York. Her name was Melissy Buggs. 
 One day Melissy giv Miss Huggins a terribel slap 
 by tellin her that she guessed she made believe 
 being so pious jest to ketch Elder Sniffles. When 
 Miss Huggins lieercl this, she sed something unre- 
 spectful of milliner gals. " She didn't believe," 
 she sed, " that eny of 'em had religion, and what's 
 more than that, they want eny more respectable 
 than they oughter be." When she sed that, Me- 
 lissy she jumped rite at her with both her hands, 
 and ketched hold of lier liar, and bless me, if she 
 didn't pull nigh about all the har off her hed, for 
 it turned out it was false har and not genoine. 
 When Miss Huggins see her har on the floor, she 
 turned as red as a beet, and Melissy said she 
 guessed her hart was jest as false as her har. This 
 made her redder yet, and jest at this point Elder 
 Sniffles came along. He cum up, and ses he, " My 
 lear sis-ters, this is not the way to walk in the 
 
52 LETTERS OF 
 
 fear of the Lord, and with gordly conversaslien 
 edefin one another. I fear that the Lo-rd will not 
 bless your labors with our dear col-ored brethren, 
 who have so long been groanin and cryin to the 
 saints for deliverance from chains and slavery." 
 This sort of rebuked them, but there's been a con- 
 stant jingle in our company ever since. 
 
 When we arrived here, we were all vert much 
 clisappented not to find a stage reddy to take us to 
 the hotel, but las me ! they aint got any kind of 
 decent livin here. Instead of a hotel, they telled 
 us we must cook our own vitals, and what do you 
 think they giv us ? The government promised to 
 board us an lodge us for teachin the. poor dear 
 colored people, and takiu keer of their souls, an 
 we thought they would do it in decent stile. In- 
 stead of that, all we could get was sum salt pork 
 and dry bread, jest the same as they giv to the 
 common sojers. I tell you, didn't all of us feel 
 hoppin, when the feller in brass buttons told w, 
 that was all he had for us. To think of turnin of, 
 ladies an gentlemen with such stuff was shockin, 
 I tell you, didn't Elder Sniffles giv him a piece of 
 his mind, an brothers Sleek and Goodenough, and 
 Elder Wattles, and young Deacon Dolittle all 
 jined in, but they couldn't move the feller a mite. 
 So we took a house, the best one we cculd. ir-d 
 empty, an commenced doing for ourselves 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 53 
 
 But 1 must toll you something about onr colored 
 brethren an sisters. The sojers here treat 'era 
 very badly, kick and cuff 'em, an swear at 'em 
 such hornbel oaths that it makes the blood run 
 cold. But we have taken 'em by the hand and 
 lead in 'em by love. That old gal from Bosting, 
 Priscella Huggins, actually hugged and kissed one 
 old colored lady, until all the others laughed and 
 jumped as if they thought it was very funny. For 
 my part, I took a great notion to a young black 
 gal, wen I first come here. She sed her name was 
 Cloe, but she acted so much like Topscy, in that 
 dear good novel of that dear good woman, Miss 
 Stowe, that I took Topscy for me to teach. First 
 off, I got along very with her. I axed her a 
 good many questions, among others, where she was 
 born. She sed she warivt born at all, but " was 
 raised over on the Edisto." But jest as soon as 
 I o:ot done talkin to her, she seemed to forgot all 
 about it, an would go to clancin an cuttin up 
 Jim Crow capers. In a day or two she got rale 
 sassy, an I couldn't do nothin with her. One 
 day I had to actually drive her out of my room, 
 but it warn't but a little while before she put 
 her wooly head in again. Then I told her 
 again " how that I had come down there on 
 purpose to elevate her, an to educate her, that 
 she was jest as free as I was, and that she would 
 
51 LETTERS OF 
 
 never have to mind her old mistress agin/' Wen 
 I seel that, she bust out a cryin jest like a baby. 
 Ses I, " what is the matter, dear Topsey ?" 
 " Oh," ses she, " I can't nebber hear ole missus 
 talked of, but I bast rite out cryin. Oh ! what a 
 good missus she was ! boo ! boo ! boo !" an she kept 
 on cryin as if her heart would break. I thought it 
 was dredful queer that she should be cryin to go 
 back to bondage. But pretty soon it was all 
 over, an she began to dance around the room 
 jest as if she never thought of cryin. Pretty soon 
 she upset a chair, on which I had laid some things, 
 an I was awfully provoked. I took hold of her, 
 and felt jest like shakin her to pieces, wen I axed 
 her, ses I, " Topsey, why don't you be good?" 
 "Las me ! missus," she replied, " I can't be good 
 unless Vrn iickt." I tell you 1 was discurriged. 
 That night I went to a colored meeting. The 
 colored people are very religious, though their 
 religion don't seem to be so deep as it ought to 
 be. They danced and sung somcthin like the 
 Shaking Quakers, and I can't say that it was very 
 edefyin. There was nothing spiritual about it, 
 and the smell in the room was very unpleasant. 
 Somehow colored people have a very singular 
 smell, that I never knew of before I come down 
 here, and the brothers and sisters don't like it at 
 all. I had actually to hold my nose all through 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 55 
 
 meeting in my pocket handkerchief, and yet it 
 ■ was almost more than I could stand. When 
 meeting was over I was mighty glad to get out, I 
 tell you. I don't know what we will do here all 
 summer, but I expect we shall soon get used to it. 
 The very next clay after the meeting, what do you 
 think happened ? Why, we all went out to see a 
 plantation, aud while we were gone, the colored 
 brethren that we made so much of, and who had pre- 
 tended to be so pious, stole all the provisions that 
 the government gave us ! They were all gone, and 
 what is more, I lost my best dress and a bran new 
 petticoat that aunt Betsey Wiggles gave me just 
 before I started for Washington. But you would 
 have laughed to see old Miss Huggins go on about 
 what she lost. They took all but one pair of 
 stockings, and the best night gown she had. 
 When Melisy Buggs heered of it she jumped rite 
 up, and slapped her hands and cried good. They 
 also took oil' old Miss Huggins' stuff for cleaning 
 her false teeth, and you never heercl a woman go 
 on so in all your life. I guess if Elder Sniffles 
 had hecrd her rave and tare as I did, he would 
 think her piety warn't very deep. I didn't keer 
 so much for the loss of my petticoat, but if aunt 
 Betsey finds it out I'll never heer the last of it, and 
 then if Jim Pcnclergrass gets hold of it, what shall 
 1 do ? He is the most awful hectorer that ever 
 
56 LETTERS OF 
 
 lived, and he sets in church at Downingville, rite 
 in front of par's pew. He'll grin at me the 
 hull time. But 1 cum off good, I tell you. The 
 other gals had to divide up with MissHuggins, or 
 I don't know what she would have clone. As it 
 is, ef much more is stolen from us we will all have; 
 to come home and get new wardrobes. All the 
 brothers and sisters have been very much puzzled 
 about this strange affair. The colored people all 
 seem to be so very pious that was not believed for 
 a long time that they could have stolen the things, 
 but it seems they did, for old Miss Huggins was 
 determined to find out, and she went off to some 
 of the cabins, and there she found them try in to 
 comb their woolly heads with one of her fine teeth 
 combs ! 
 
 I tell you what it is, uncle Jack, I am afraid 
 I've come on a fool's errand. Some how there 
 aint the right look to tilings here, and ef we don't 
 succeed better in the future than we have so far, 
 in educating these colored people, I fear our labor 
 will be lost. They will talk well enough before 
 your face, but it don't last. But don't you let on 
 to the Downingville folks that I'm at all disen- 
 couraged. If I come home it will be on the excuse 
 that the climate don t agree with me. Elder 
 Sniffles says no one must leave for any other 
 reason, for that would bring down odium on the 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 57 
 
 great cause. Elder Sniffles is going to preach 
 hereafter regularly to the colored brethren, and 
 he hopes he will soon teach them how wicked it is 
 to steal. As soon as he teaches them that, then he 
 is going on to other subjects, but that must be 
 taught them at once, for one or two more hauls 
 on us would send us all home with " nothing to 
 wear." 
 
 Your affectionate neece, 
 
 Jerusha Matilda Jenkins. 
 
 Wen I got thrue, Linkin jumped rite up out of 
 his cheer and stomped his foot so as to make the 
 house shake. Ses he, " what a cussed hole that 
 Port Royal must be !" Decon Jenkins ses he, 
 " don't speak wickedly with your lips, Mr. Presi- 
 dent." " Wal," ses Linkin, " it is a cussed hole, 
 and I ken prove it by the Scriptur." " I guess 
 not," ses the Decon." " Wal," ses Linkin, 
 " didn't the Lord cuss the earth for man's sins ?" 
 " Yes," ses the Decon. " Wal, I'de like to 
 know," ses Linkin, " whether you think Port 
 Royal was an exccpshln V I never seed a feller 
 look so chop-fallen as the Decon did, and I 
 snorted rite out a laughin, for the Decon thinks 
 he's so smart on Scriptur. Linkin, however, de- 
 clares that he ain't got nothin to do with this 
 nigger schule teachin, but that it is all Char 
 3* 
 
58 LETTERS OF 
 
 plans. But its turnin out jest as I expected ; Je- 
 rusha now begins to see that what I tolled her 
 was true. The gal will be comin back afore long, 
 you may be sure, but she'll be cured of niggerism ; 
 that will be one good thing. I only wish I could 
 send all the old maids and silly gals in New Eng- 
 land down there. They would soon get the nig- 
 ger notions out of their heads. 
 
 Your frend, Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 50 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 The Question of the " Contrybands" — Lincoln and the Major Dis- 
 cuss It — The Major Tells a Story — Shows Mr. Lincoln That 
 the Government is out of Order — Says It's a " Dimmycratic 
 Machine'' 1 and that Seward and Chase Don't Know How to 
 Run It — Tliey are Like Old Jim Dumbutter and the TJiresh- 
 ing Machine — The Major Tells Another Story — " The Ker- 
 ncV Gets a Joke on Seward — Tells a Story About the 
 " Giascutis." 
 
 Washington, April 15th, 18G2. 
 •To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : I've ben kinder sick sence I writ you 
 last. The truth is, this clymate in the spring is 
 ralely very weeknin to the constitu3hin. Linkin, 
 too, has been terribully anxus about war noose, 
 and the nigh approach of hot weather. But the 
 great subjeck which the Kernel and I have been 
 considerin is the " contrybands." What is to be 
 done with 'em ?" That's the questshin, and Lin- 
 kin ses he'd like to see the feller that can tell him. 
 One night Linkin got a big map, an he sot down, 
 and "Now," ses he, " Majer, let's take a look at 
 all creashin, an see ef ther aint sum place whar we 
 kin send these pesky kinky heels, and git red of 
 'em." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I'm agreed." So 
 
GO LETTERS OF 
 
 we went at it. First Linkin put his finger on 
 Haty. " Now," ses lie, " tlier's an Hand that 
 jest suits the nigger constitushin. Suppose they 
 go thar ?" " But," ses I, " Kernel, they won't 
 go, an ef they did, they wouldn't do nothin." 
 " Wai," ses he, " no matter, ef they won't trouble 
 us here enny longer." " But," ses I, " ther's one 
 more resin. The iland aint large enuff to hold all 
 the niggers — four millions or thereabouts." 
 " Wal," ses he, " ther's Centril Ameriky — what 
 do you think of that spot ?" " Wal," ses I, 
 " Kernel, that's a fine country, naterally. The 
 Creator fixed it up on a grand skale, but you can't 
 make a treaty with it, enny more than you can 
 count the spots on a little pig, when he keeps runin 
 about the hull time. The truth is, you can't tell 
 i who'll be President of it from one mornin to the 
 next, and the niggers you send there might all git 
 their throats cut jest as soon as they landed." 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " that's a slight objecshin. 
 But let's turn over to Ai'riky. There's Libery, 
 how would that do, Major ?" " Wal," ses I, 
 " Kernel, that country is about the biggest hum- 
 bug of the hull lot. Fust off, sum raly good pec- 
 pul thought it was goin to amount to surathin, 
 but after forty years of spendin money on it, tlier 
 aint enny more cbanst of civil izin Ai'riky in that 
 way than ther is of makin a rifled cannon out of 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 61 
 
 a bass/wood log. A few clominys, who can't git 
 enny boddy willin to hear 'cm preach, hev got hold 
 of it, an arc makin a good thing out of it. As 
 for sending our niggers thcr, why it would take 
 all the shippin of the world, and more money than 
 Chase could print by steam in a year." " Wal," 
 ses Linkin, " where on arth kin we send 'em ?" 
 " Now," ses I, " Kernel, I've got an idee of my 
 own about that matter. I think they are best off 
 where they are and jest as they are, but ef you 
 must git red of 'em, I would send 'em all to Massa- 
 chews-its! Peepul who are so anxus to have other 
 folks overrun with free niggers ought to be willin 
 to share sum of the blessins themselves, So let 
 all that are here in Washington be sent rite off to 
 Boston." "Yes, that might do," ses Linkin, 
 " but then, ef they are entitled to their freedom, 
 they orter be allowed to go where they are a mind 
 to." "But, ses I, " sum States won't have 'em at 
 all, an they can't go there. So what's to be done ?" 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " I tell you what it is, Ma- 
 jer, this is an almighty tuff subjeck. I know 
 somethin about splittin rails, and what hard work 
 is ginerally, but this nigger questshin has puzzled 
 me more than enny thing I ever got hold of be- 
 fore." "Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I kin explain the 
 resin why." Ses he, " Let's hear you, Major." 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, where do you carry your 
 
62 LETTERS OF 
 
 pocket-book ?" Ses he, " What on arth has that 
 to do with the subjeck ?" Ses I, " Hold on, you'll 
 see." " Wal," ses he, " I always carry it rite 
 there, in my left hand trowsers pocket." Ses I, 
 " Didn't you ever have a hole in that pocket for 
 a day or two, and had to put your pocket-book in 
 sum other?" Ses lie, " Majer, I have." Ses I, 
 " What did you do with it then?" " Wal," ses 
 he, " I put it in my right band pocket, but it kin- 
 der chafed my leg there, cause it warn't used to 
 it, and it also felt mity onhandy. So I put it in 
 my side coat pocket, but every time I stooped over 
 it would drop out. Then I put it in my coat tail 
 pocket, but I was kept all the time on the qui vi- 
 vers, afeerd sum pickpocket would steal it. At 
 last, in order to make it safe, and sure, I put it in 
 the top of my hat, under sum papers, but the hat 
 was too top-heavy, and over it went, spilling every- 
 thing. I tell you I was glad when my pocket was 
 fixed, and I got it back in the old spot." 
 
 " Now," ses I, " Kernel, that's jest the case 
 with the niggers. The mirmit you get 'em out of 
 thcr place, you don't know what on arth to do 
 with 'em. Now, we've been here all the cvenin 
 sarchin over the map to see ef we can't find sum 
 place to put 'em. But it is all no manner of use. 
 You've got to do with 'em jest as you did with 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 63 
 
 your pocket-book. Put 'em whar they belong, an 
 then you won't have any more trubbil." 
 
 Linkin didn't see eggzatly how I was gwin to 
 apply the story, an wen lie did, he looked kinder 
 struck up. Wen I saw that I hcd made a hit on 
 him, I follered it up. Ses I, " Kernel, this gov- 
 ernment ain't out of order, as Seward an Chase 
 kontend. They are only tryin to run it the rong 
 way — that's what makes all the trubbil. I once 
 heel a thrashin machine, an I sold it to old Jim 
 Dumbutter, an after he got it he sed it warn't 
 good for nothin — that.it wouldn't run, &c. So I 
 went over to see it, an I vow ef he didn't have 
 the machine all rong eend foremist. I went to 
 work at it, an, after a leetle wile, it went off like 
 grease, jest as slick as a whistle. You see, old 
 Dumbutter didn't onderstand the machine, an, 
 therefore, he couldn't make it go. Now," sos I, 
 "Kernel, our Constitushin is a Dimmycraiic ma- 
 chine, an its got to be run as a Dimmycra ic ma- 
 chine, or it worft run at all ! Now, you so ?, Se~v- 
 ard is tryin to run it on his ' higher law ' prin- 
 ciple, but it warn't made for that, an the consc- 
 ience is, the thing is pretty nigh smashed up." 
 
 Wal, ses Linkin, " things do look kindjr dark. 
 I don't know whar we will come out, but I guest 
 I'll issoo a proclamashin for the ministers to pra) 
 for us. Perhaps they will do sum good." Ses I 
 
64 LETTERS OF 
 
 " Kernel, that reminds me of old Elder Doolittle, 
 who cum along the road one day rite by wliar old 
 Sol Hopkins, a very wicked old sinner, was hoein 
 corn. The season was late, as the corn was mity 
 slim. Ses the Elder : " Mr. Hopkins, your corn 
 is not very forrard this year.' ' No, its monstrus 
 poor,' ses Hopkins, ' an I guess I shan't have 
 half a crop.' < Wal,' ses the Elder, K Mister 
 Hopkins, you ought to pray to the Lord for good 
 crops ; perhaps He will hear you.' ' Wal, perhaps 
 He will, an perhaps He won't ;' ses old Sol, ' but 
 I'll be darned ef I don't beleave that this corn 
 needs manure a tarnel sight more than it does 
 prayin for.' Now," ses I, " Linkin, I think this 
 country is somethin like old Hopkinses corn. It 
 needs statesmanship a good deal more than prayin for." 
 Linkin didn't seem to like that observashin of 
 mine much, for he turned the subjick, an he ain't 
 axed me what it was best to do with the niggers 
 sence. 
 
 The other day the Kernel got off a good joke on 
 Seward. You know what a solem looking chap 
 he is naterally. Wal, since he has got to be Chief 
 Clark of the President, he seems to look solemer 
 than ever. He cum into Linkin's room, an the 
 Kernel ses, " Have you heercl the news, Boss ?" 
 "No," ses Seward, " what is it?" "Wal," ses 
 Liu kin, " the Giascutis is loose." " What's that ?" 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. G5 
 
 ses Seward. "Why," ses Linkin, "ain't you 
 never heerd the story of the Giascutis ?" Seward 
 sed he never had. " Wal," ses the Kernel, " I 
 must tell you. Several years ago, a couple of 
 Yankees were travellin out West, an they got out 
 of money. So they koncluded to s raise the wind' 
 as follers : — They were to go into a village ; an an- 
 nounce a show, pretendin that they had a remark- 
 abul animal, which they had jest captured on the 
 Rocky Mountings. A bran new beast euch as was 
 never seen before. The name was the ' Giascutis.' 
 It was to be shown in a room, and one of the fel- 
 lers was to play i Giascutis.' He was put behind 
 a screen an had some chains to shake, an he also 
 contrived to growl or howl as no critter ever did 
 before. W T al, the peeple of the village all cum 
 to see the Giascutis, an, after the room was filled, 
 his companion began to explain to the audienee' 
 what a terribul beast he had, how he killed ten 
 men, two boys and five hosses in ketchin him, an 
 now how had got him, at ' enormous expense,' to 
 show him. Jest as everybody was gapin an starin, 
 thar was, all at once, a most terrific growlin, and 
 howlin, an rattlin of chains ; an, in the excitement, 
 the showman, almost breathless, yelled out, at the 
 top of his voice, « the Giascutis is loose. Run ! 
 run ! run!' An away went the people down stairs, 
 heels over head, losin all they had paid, an seein 
 
()(> LETTERS OF 
 
 nothin. Now," ses Linkin, "'the Merrymac is 
 out,' an when I read about the vessels, an tug-boats, 
 an steamers, all scamperin off as soon as she was 
 seen, I thought she was the ' Giascutis,' sure, only 
 I'm afraid she is a real Giascutis, an no mistake." 
 Since then, Linkin calls the Merrymac the Giascu- 
 tis all the time. 
 
 Your friend, 
 
 M ajer Jack Downing, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 67 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 War "Noose" — The P resident 's Anxiety — Mr. Lincoln Deter- 
 mines to Apply " the Principle''' 1 — The Story of Zenas Home- 
 spun — The Major's Views on Negroes — Poetry — The Eman- 
 cipation Ball — The Major Going to " Cifer" on the Finances. 
 
 Washington, April 29th, 18G2. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — We are all on the qui vivers here for 
 war noose. Linkin gets up sometimes in the mid- 
 dul of the nite to hear a dispach received by Sck- 
 ratary Stantin, and as much of it as is thought 
 good for the health of the peepil is sent to the 
 papers. The other nite Linkin called me. This 
 was very unushul for him, for he ginrally tells me 
 in themornin, at the breckfast tabel, and axes my 
 opinion, but he sent for me that nite and scd that 
 I must git up and read the noose. So I went 
 down and he showed me the dispach that Gen- 
 nerral Mitchell got of Bowregards. " Notv," ses 
 the Kernel, " you see, Majer, we've got the ras- 
 kils in a korner. They've got to lite or run. 
 and if they fite they're licked, and if they run 
 they're licked. We shall now soon have Mem- 
 fus, and that jest pens up Jeff Davis in Vir- 
 
68 LETTERS OF 
 
 ginny. You see, Majer, Bowregard ses he ain't 
 
 got but 35,000 troops." Ses I, "Kernel, let 
 
 me take a look at that dispach." I put on my 
 
 specs and read it over twice or three times very 
 
 kerfully, and then ses I, " Kernel,! don't think you 
 
 orter put grate faith in that. As Elder Doo- 
 
 little used to say, ' it may be a bee, and then 
 
 agin it may be a wasp.' That Bowregard is a 
 
 grate feller at stratagy, and it might be another 
 
 dodge of his. And then agin, Kernel, that was 
 
 afore you signed the bill abolishin slavery in 
 
 the District of Columby. As sure as your born 
 
 that will be worth a hundred thousan sojers to 
 
 Jeff Davis." " Wal," ses Linkin, » let it, who 
 
 cares ? The truth is, Majer, we Republicans 
 
 have been talkin about the great principle of 
 
 the equality of all men, includin Injins, niggers, 
 
 Chinees and so on, and now they want me to 
 
 apply the principle, and I'm goin to do it. I 
 
 think there is sum humbug in it sumwhere, but 
 
 I don't exactly see Avhere, and as they will give 
 
 me no peace, and will never be satisfied enny- 
 
 how until it is dun, I'm goin to put it thru. 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, go aheel, but look out 
 
 for squalls. Perhaps," ses I, "you never heerd 
 
 the story about Zenas Humspun < applyin the 
 
 principle.' I hope you won't hev as bad luck 
 
 as he did. " No," ses Linkin, " I never heerd 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 69 
 
 that story. What was it?" " Wal," scs I, 
 
 " Zenas was a good-natered feller, who lived in 
 Downingville, and a wonderful inquirin sort of 
 a chap, allcrs and fore.vcr prying into things. 
 If he bought a clock he'd take it all apart with 
 his jack-nife, jest to see how it went together. 
 So about the time that the telegraph was started 
 and an offis was set up in our town, Zenas was 
 eenaniost puzzled to deth to get the hang of the 
 critter, as he called it. One day he went to the 
 offis and axed the feller to show him all about 
 it. The chap was very per lite, and explained 
 to him the grate principle on which it worked, 
 but Zenas didn't exactly see through it, and kept 
 axing questions and botherin the feller till he 
 got clean out of pashins. Finally, ses he to 
 Zenas, ' Perhaps you would like to see me ap- 
 ply the principle.' Zenas said he would, of course. 
 6 Wal,' scs he, ' then you jest take hold of them 
 brass nobs and stick to 'cm tight.' So Zenas 
 grabbed hold of 'em like all possessed, but he 
 hadn't more than fairly got hold before he lay 
 sprawlin on the floor. The ' principle' had 
 knocked him clean over. Now, Zenas was a 
 tcrribul feller to smoke, and allers carried his 
 pockets full of lusifer matches to lite his pipe 
 with. It so happened that he had a hull box-full 
 in his coat-tail pocket as he keeled over on the 
 
70 LETTERS OF 
 
 floor, and as he foil they scratched agin one an- 
 other so strong that they all got afire. It warn't 
 but a little while afore Zenas' coat-tail was all in 
 a blaze, and before it could be put out it had 
 burnt an awful big hole in the seat of his trowsers, 
 and schorched him thereabouts amazinly. Zenas 
 yelled and hollered awful, and seel he didn't want 
 to know enthing more about i applyin the princi- 
 ple.' Now," ses I, «" Kernel, I hope you won't hev 
 as bad luck as Zenas did, but depend on't, this 
 applyin principles you don't exactly understand 
 is dangerous business. If you don't get burnt 
 somewhere it will be a wonder." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " Majer, you are a cute chap 
 
 in tellin a story, but now, tell me, do you think 
 
 the nigger an the white man didn't cum from the 
 
 same parrient ?" " Now," ses I, " Kernel, that's 
 
 axin a deep question. You see its onpossibul to 
 
 tell what the Creatur may have done. He might 
 
 have made only one kind of man at fust, an then 
 
 altered their constitushins, an complexions, an 
 
 brains afterwards. You see everything is possi- 
 
 bul to the Creatur. Or the nigger may have cum 
 
 from Ham, who was cussed for his sins, but then 
 
 I don't see that it is enything agin the scrip- 
 
 toors to believe that all the kinds of men were 
 
 made at the beginnin jest as they are now. 
 
 But it don't make env difference how thev cum 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 71 
 
 so, so long as they are different. Yon can't eny 
 more make a white man out of a nigger now than 
 you can breed a lion out of a, polecat. You see, 
 it's clar agin natur to expect to make the nigger 
 enything but a nigger. You can't get a peach out 
 of a crab-apple, nor a pumpkin out of a water- 
 melon, nor eagles out of ducks' eggs. You can't 
 raise chickens from egg-planj;s, or produce goslins 
 from gooseberries. You see, Kernel, everything 
 in natur must go accordin to natur. If the. nigger 
 had been intended to be equil to the white man, 
 hed been made jest like a white man, and the very 
 fact that he ain't made so, is proof positive that 
 he warn't intended to be put in a white man's 
 place. Trying to make a nigger act like a white 
 man is jest like old Sol Hopkins, one year harness- 
 ing his off ox an his hoss together to plow corn. 
 The ox was lazy as he could be, an the hoss was a 
 young, high-strung animil, an such a pullin an 
 haulin team you never did see. It almost killed 
 both. You see, it was workin agin natur. It 
 was tryin to make a hoss an ox, and an ox a hoss, 
 neither of which things can be did. You see, 
 Kernel, everything in natur must go according to 
 natur." 
 
 " Wal," scs Linkin, " there is a good deal in 
 what you say, but then the peepil don't believe it. 
 They think the nigger is only accidentally black, 
 
72 LETTERS OF 
 
 and if he lacks in mind and capacity, it is all owin 
 to slaver} 7 , an they won't believe eny other way 
 until they see for themselves. I tell you, Majer, 
 the principle has got to be applied, no matter how 
 meny coat-tails or how meny trowsers are burnt." 
 
 " But," ses I, " Kernel, can't they see how the 
 thing has worked in places whar nigger equality 
 has been tried ?" u That don't settle the question, 
 Majer. Peepil are jest like hogs in that respect. 
 Did you ever see a lot of hot swill put in a trough, 
 an every single hog in the pen would go an stick 
 in his snoot an get it burned? Not one would 
 larn from the others. After we've tried nigger 
 equality, we'll know what it is, an how we like it. 
 We must apply the principle, an in some way, you 
 may depend upon it Majer, all the niggers down 
 South will be sot free." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I guess that there are 
 other folks who think jest as you do, for somebody 
 has sent me some varses in relashin to the nex 
 great emancipashin which is to cum off, cut from 
 some noospaper. I will read 'em to you : 
 
 THE EMANCIPATION BALL, 
 
 GIVEN TO FOUR MILLIONS OF NEGROES, BY THE GREAT REPUBLICAN 
 
 P-A-I-R-T-Y. 
 
 Anodder Great Ball is soon to be, 
 De like of which you nebber did see, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 73 
 
 De bids is out I's seen a few, 
 De guests I know, and so do you. 
 
 Lubly Rosa! Sambo come! 
 
 Don't you hear de l>anjo ? 
 Turn! Turn! Turn! 
 
 Do fust on de list is Mistab. Snow, 
 And de nex is Jeemes and Dinah Grow ; 
 Chalk and ivory ! heels and shins ! 
 White man wait till the dance begins! 
 
 Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 
 
 Don't you hear de banjo ? 
 Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 
 
 Pompey Smash, and his lady fair ! 
 You may bet your life dey will bofe be dare! 
 And Mistah Ducklegs — bully for he ! 
 Such a gizzard foot you ncbbcr did see. 
 
 Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 
 
 Don't you hear de banjo ? 
 Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 
 
 And Gumbo Squash wid his bressed grin, 
 His curling bar, and his ebo-shin — 
 De King ob Hearts will come to de Bal, 
 Let the gals look out for dare feckshuns all ! 
 
 Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 
 
 Don't you hear de banjo ? 
 Turn! Turn! Turn! 
 
 Ole Uncle Xed, frow down dat hoe ! 
 And Dinah, drop dat kitchen dough ! 
 All Dixie's free, wid nolfin to do 
 But to dance all night, and all day too. 
 
 Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 
 
 Don't you hear de banjo ? 
 
 Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 
 4 
 
74 LETTERS OF 
 
 De white trash dey have nuffin to say, 
 But to work ! work ! and de taxes pay ; 
 While the bressed darkies dance dere fill, 
 Let de white trash foot de fiddler's bill ! 
 
 Lnbly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 
 
 Don't you hear de banjo ! 
 Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 
 
 White Men ! White Men ! Sure as you're born, 
 The crows are going to take your corn! 
 They surround your fields on every tree, 
 And they blacken the sky as far as we see. 
 
 Lubly Rosa ! Sambo stay, 
 
 In the land of Dixie, 
 Far away. 
 
 Linkin laughed at it when I got thru, an sed it 
 done very well for some sore-hed Dimmycrat, but 
 that Whittiur could write one on 'totber side that 
 this would not be a prirain to. I tellecl him 
 Whittiur might make better poetry, but I doubt- 
 ed whether ther would as much truth in it as this 
 had. 
 
 Linkin ses he wants me to study up the finances 
 for him. He ses the debt is gettin fearful, an as 
 1 am good at cyferin, he ses I must try to help him 
 out on that subject. He wants to put it in his nex 
 message. It is some time since I did such work, 
 but if I feel like it, I will go into it, an will write 
 you how I get along. 
 
 Your frend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 75 
 
 LETTER VIII. 
 
 Matters get Confused— The u Kernel and the Major 1 ' 1 Compelled to 
 go to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out — Mr. Lincoln 
 Takes his Revolver — The Major Sticks to His Hickory — Ar- 
 rival at Fort Monroe — They go ona u Tipper graphical Rekon- 
 nisanze" — A Night Alarm — Secretary Stanton Tries to get on, 
 the President'' s Pantaloons. 
 
 Washington, May 13th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — Wal, if I ain't eenamost tired out, I 
 wouldn't say so. Wen I writ you last, I told you 
 that Linkin wanted me to look into the finaneies 
 and cifer where we was a comin to, but I ain't had 
 time to do it yet. Things have ben in a kind of 
 a dubbel and twisted snarl here lately. Sekrctary 
 Stantin and Gins. McClellin and McDowell have 
 been almost by the ears. One of em halls Linkin 
 one way and another t'other way, until he got 
 eenamost crazy. McClellin wanted more sojers. 
 Stantin sed he didn't have em for him. McDowell 
 sed he wanted more, and Banks wanted more. So 
 you see here was a pretty kittle of fish. Finally, 
 Mr. Linkin, ses he, " Majer, wat on erth shall I 
 do?" " Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I tell you my idee. 
 
76 LETTERS OP 
 
 You better go down to Fort Monro w, an see for 
 yourself. I allers found, when I had a lot of 
 hands in the field a rnowin, there was nothin like 
 havin the boss on hand. If he ain't there, they 
 ali want to be boss." " Wal," ses Linkiu, "I 
 think that is a good plan, Majer ; and if you will 
 go along with me, I will go down there, and if I 
 don't straiten things out there, my name ain't Abe 
 Linkin. But, Major, how shall we go ?" " Wal," 
 ses I, " Kernel, do jist as Ginneral Jackson used 
 to; step of kinder unbeknown to eny one, but you 
 kin invite all your a mind to go along." " Wal," 
 ses he, " I guess I'll take Chase and Stantin along. 
 I want Stantin so as to ask questions ; an if I leave 
 Chase here, he an Seward will git a quarrelin sure 
 as you live. I never see two men so jealous of 
 each other. They both want to be President so 
 bad, that I expect nothin else but some day they'll 
 steal my old boots." 
 
 The next day Linkin got all ready, put on his 
 best close, and slicked up so he looked p'urty nice. 
 Then he got his six-barreled revolver, and put it 
 in his side coat pocket. Ses I, " Kernel, what on 
 arth do want of revolvers ?" " Wal," ses he, 
 " Majer, aint we goin down to the land of the 
 Secesh, and who knows but we may git in an am- 
 bushcade?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's a 
 fact ; but I shan't carry anything but my old hick- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 77' 
 
 ory. Ginneral Jackson cum pretty nigh killin 
 a man once with his hickory, and I believe, Ker- 
 nel, old as I am, I'cle give any Secesher a pretty 
 good tussel with that old shag bark." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, "I wan't brought up that 
 way. 1'de rather have an ax than any other 
 weepin, for I believe I could split the Southern 
 Confederacy into rails in a week, and fence it in, 
 if it were only fashionable to warfare in that man- 
 ner ; but you see, Majer, we've got to lick the 
 rebils according to science, or John Bull and Looe 
 Napoleon will kick up a rumpus. So I'll have to 
 stick to revolvers." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, that's right ; but give 
 me the hickory. If I don't defend myself with 
 that, then my name ain't Major Jack Downing. 
 I ain't goin to make a masked battery of myself." 
 
 So we all got reddy and went off in the Miamy, 
 so quiet like, that Washington peeple didn't scase- 
 ly know it. Ginneral Wool was terribully tick- 
 led to see us, and he shook me by the hand jest 
 as hard as he could. I hadn't seen the old Gin- 
 neral for a great manny years, but ho don't seem 
 a mite older than he did nigh on twenty years ago. 
 The next day after we got there, we had a council 
 of war, and it was decided to attack Norfolk. 
 Bat how to do it was the question. " Wal," ses 
 Linkin, " I tell you what, I know somethin about 
 
78 LETTERS OF 
 
 boatin, and the Majer here he is quick at eena- 
 most anything. So we'll go on a tippergraphical 
 rekonnisanze to-morrow." Ses I, " Kernel, them 
 big words may be all right, but I'll be darned if 
 I believe they're English." Ses I, " ain't it jist 
 as easy to say that we're goin on a military 
 tower of obsevashin ?" 
 
 The next mornin we started off in the Miamy, 
 and went towards Norfolk. Every place we cum 
 to, the naval offesers sed wouldn't answer to land 
 troops on. It couldn't be done. Finerally, I 
 showed Linkin a spot close in shore, and ses he, 
 " them old canal-botes up there at the Fort, that 
 you sed looked as if they were the runin gear of 
 Noah's ark, are fit for no thin else but to be towed 
 over here for the troops to land on." Ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, that's so, and if the sea captains can't do it, 
 I kin, for I sailed a sloop once clown in Maine, and 
 I know sumthin about the bizness." So wen Lin- 
 kin pinted out the spot, they tried to find fault 
 agin, and talked about the tide and the sinkin of 
 the boats, etc. Just then I stepped up, and ses I, 
 " Mr. President, I'm an old man, but if you want 
 sojers landed there, I'll land 'em safe and sound 
 as a pipe stem ; it I don't, then my name ain't 
 Majer Jack Downing." Wen the brass button, 
 pompous chaps heered me say that I was Majer 
 Jack Downing, you never seen a wisker set of fel- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 79 
 
 lers. They all at once began to iru*ke apologys, 
 and seel that they would try it, that they guessed 
 it could be done, and so on. I see thru the fellers 
 at once. They didn't want Linkin to have eny 
 of the credit of it ; but when they see that I 
 was goin to do it, and take all the credit, then 
 they were willin to go to work. I ralely believe 
 there ain't a officer in the navy or army but what 
 expects to get glory euuff in this war to make him 
 a President. Wal, after we fixed on this place, 
 we all went back to the Fort, and Ginneral Wool 
 give us all first rate rooms in the offiser's quarters. 
 The next mornin, bright and arly, the sojers were 
 off, and Ginneral Wool leadin 'em. As it turned 
 out, everything went off jest as slick as could be. 
 The rebils had cut sticks and run, and there was 
 no one to take. The Ginneral went into town, 
 run up the stars and stripes, and it was all over 
 with. Norfolk was ours. 
 
 Ginneral Wool was so tickled with his success 
 that the old man i urn post haste back agin, 
 late at nite, to tell Linkin and Stantin of it. 
 We had all got to bed. We slept in rooms that 
 jined each other, Linkin occupyin the middle room, 
 an myself an Stantin one on each side, with the 
 doors openin into Linkin's room. Wen we went 
 to bed, ses the Kernel to me, kinder jokin, ses he, 
 "Majer, if the Secesh attack us to-nite, you must 
 
80 LETTERS OF 
 
 have your hickory redely." Ses' I, " Kernel, look 
 out for your revolver, an put it under your piller, 
 so you kin grab it handy." Wal, what should 
 happen along towards mornin but a most terribul 
 noise, some one beatin, an stampin, an yellin, like 
 all possessed. First, I thought of the Secesh, and 
 I grabbed my hickory at once, an made for the 
 Kernel's room in my nite-shirt to see how he was 
 feelin. I came pretty nigh bustin my sides a 
 laughin, for there Linkin stood up on a cheer, 
 lookin for all the world like a treed porcupine ; 
 his hair stood on eends, and he was a shaking his 
 pistol around as if he meant to shoot. Ses I, " hold 
 on, Kernel ; don't fire. Let's see what this rumpus 
 is all about before you shoot." Stantin, was 
 in Linkin's room, lookin like a spook in his white 
 nite-gown ; an I'm darned if the critter warn't 
 bizzy trying to git on Linkin's trowsers ! He got 
 'em on after a fashen, but his legs didn't more than 
 go half thru 'em, an there he stood kinder tangled 
 up like, lookin awful sorry about somethin, as if 
 he'ed wanted to issue a bulletin an couldn't ? All 
 the while the noise kept growin louder, an finally 
 ses I, " Who on arth is that makin such a tarnal 
 racket ?" " It's me. It's me," ses a voice. Ses 
 I, " who is me ? are you Union or Secesh ?" " I'm 
 Ginneral Wool," ses he, " an I want to tell you 
 the noose." Now, we didn't no more' expect to 
 
MAJOR J. ' K DOWNING. 81 
 
 see Ginneral Wool tha'" ve did Jeff Davis; but 
 sure enuff, it was him, am 1 he cum thunderin in an 
 brought his old cane clown as the floor with a ring. 
 
 Ses he, " Norfolk is ours, hr ." I won't put 
 
 in the swearing part. You never did see such a 
 change. Linkin jumped do u n out of the cheer, 
 and ketched the old Ginneral by the hand, and 
 cum pretty nigh shakin it off, Vnile Stantin took 
 him rite in his arms. Wen tb\- ttory had all been 
 heerd, and Linkin went to look ?or his trowsers, 
 there was Stantin with his legs in 'em, holden 
 them up by his hands. Ses I, " B irnel, Mr. Stan- 
 tin will get to be President if ytw ain't kcrful, 
 for I see he's got on the President's trowsers." 
 T\ T en I sed that, I thought Stantia would wilt. 
 He looked awfully struck up, but sed Iv/d no idee 
 them was Linkin's trowsers, and he ba< ^ed out of 
 them quick. 
 
 The next day there was great rejoidug in the 
 hull army, and we all cum back to Wa\bington 
 in the Miamy. I've jist got back, and lu^-o cnly 
 had time to write you this letter. Wen yew V\ar 
 from me agin 1 hope I shan't be so tired, au^ TU 
 try to give you a more interesting letter. 
 Your friend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing 
 
 4* 
 
82 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTEE IX. 
 
 TJie Major Figures on the " Nashinal Debt" — Horse Contracts and 
 " Abolishin Preechers' 1 '' — Banks Defeated — Tlie Major Suggests 
 a New Fashioned Shield expressly for Retreats — A Wheel- 
 barrow for eve y Soldier ! — Excitement in Washington — The 
 President not Scared " a Hooter'''' 
 
 Washington, May 26th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — Sence I writ you last, I've been figering 
 on the nashinul debt, and I tell you what it is, it is 
 jest about the most intricit subjec I ever got hold 
 of. I've used up two duzzen slates and about a 
 cart load of slate pencils. Linkin has sent on to 
 York for a fresh supply, and wen they cum I'm 
 goin' at it agin. Squire Biddle's Bank warn't a 
 primin to this war debt. You see the contracters 
 and the politicians, an 1 the Members of Congress 
 and the Guvernors of the States, and the editers 
 and even the Abolishin preechers are mixed up in 
 it cleen to their ize. It's very queer how so many 
 of these preechers have had hoss contracts. It 
 seems as if Abolishin and hoss jockeying goes to- 
 gether. One pius chap wrote on the back of his 
 contract, " An horse is a vain thing for safety. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 83 
 
 Put your trust in the Lord." I should think that 
 such hosses as ho furnished would bo a vain thing 
 for safety, for nigh about the hull of 'em was spav- 
 ined, or ring-boned, or foundered, or had the 
 blind staggers. I tell you it's edefyin to look over 
 these contracts. Linkin has giv me a cart blank 
 to pry into the hull subjec, but Chase squirms ter- 
 ribully wen I questshin him close. But I ain't got 
 half done. The other day, as I was porerin 
 over my last slate, which was pretty nigh sifered 
 full, Linkin sent for me in a grate hurry. I 
 started rite off, wunderin what on arth was up. 
 Wen I went in, the Kernel had his cote off and 
 his sleeves rolled up, an ses he, " Major, do you 
 know where I kin get a first-rate axe ?" Ses I, 
 " Kernel, I know where there is the best axe that 
 ever chopped wood, but," ses T, " it's way up in 
 Downingville." Ses he, " That won't do, Major ; 
 I must have an axe rite off, or I shall bust ; I can't 
 live unless I work off this steem." I see the Ker- 
 nel had on a high-pressure excitement, and ses I, 
 " Hold on a minnit, Kernel, and tell me what on 
 arth's the matter?" 6 < Matter!" ses he, "jest 
 read that, Majer, and tell me whether you don't 
 think that that infernal cuss, Stantin, ought to be 
 kicked out of the Cabinet ?" I took up the paper 
 and there. was a despatch from Ginncral Banks, 
 sayin how the rebils had licked him and was 
 
84 LETTERS OF 
 
 drivin him back like all possessed, and all because 
 Stantin had takin away his troops and sent 'em 
 away where they warn't wanted. Ses I, " Kernel, 
 I have had a good deal of doubt about that feller, 
 Stantin, ever sence he tried to get on your trows- 
 ers down at Fort Munrow. You see you can't 
 never depend a grate deal on a turn coat. Pie 
 once perfessed to be a pro-slavery man, but now 
 he goes in for the Abolishinists even stronger than 
 the Simon-pur es. I tell you, Kernel, you better 
 look out for him." " Wal," ses Linkin, " we ain't 
 got no time to talk about that. The Secesh are 
 almost on Washington agin, and jest think what 
 France and England will say. Why, Seward rote 
 'em at the last steamer that it was all over — that 
 New Orleans was open — that Richmond would be 
 taken in a few days ; and here, by this stupid blun- 
 der, we are agin jest back where we were a year 
 ago, and I've got to call fer more troops to defend 
 the Capital. What on arth will we do ?" « Wal," 
 ses I, " Kernel, if swarein or even choppin wood do 
 any good, I would advise you to do one or both ; 
 but you see they won't. So put on your coat and 
 let's talk this matter over." So we jest went over 
 the subjec, and soon decided what to do. I tell 
 you we made the tclegraff fly all day Sunday, and 
 by night we all began to feel a grate deal easier. 
 That nite the Kernel and I had a long talk, and I 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 85 
 
 told him I had invented a new military system to 
 prevent the dangers of a retreat, and that ef it 
 had been adopted in Ginneral Banks' case he 
 would have come off with all his men, and almost 
 without a scratch. The Kernel he was dredful 
 anxious to know what it was. So I told him that 
 my idee was to have every man supplied with a 
 sheet-iron shield, about five foot long and about 
 two foot wide, to strap rite on his back when ho 
 commenced to retreat. -Then the enemy might fire 
 as hard as they pleased, while our sojers could 
 take their time and not be compelled to run them- 
 selves out of breath. 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, "how would they carry it 
 when marchin ?" He thought he had me there, but 
 ses I, " Kernel, my plan involves a hull change in 
 the art of war. Insted of so many baggage wag- 
 gins and such long trains, I would have a wheel- 
 barrow for every sojer ! Don't you see," ses I, 
 " Kernel, how nice that would work ? Every man 
 could carry his own vittals, and his ammunition, 
 his shield, &c., &c., jest as complete as could be. 
 Wen there Avas any lighten to be done, the wheel- 
 barrows could all be placed in the rear, the sojers 
 arm themselves and go out and fight. If they 
 were whipped all they would have to do would be 
 to fall back to the wheelbarrows, strap on their 
 shield and walk off ! There would be no rnnniri 
 
86 LETTERS OF 
 
 then to get out of the reach of bullets, and re- 
 treats of thirty- five miles a day would be useless. 
 With an army of that kind, Kernel, we could sub- 
 due the Southern Confederacy in i sixty days,' and 
 make out Seward a prophet after all." " I'me 
 afraid, Majer, it's too late in the day to introduce 
 your new military system. This infernal South- 
 ern Confederacy has got to be whipped pretty 
 soon with such old hosses and waggins as we have 
 got, or this Union is split jest as sure as my name 
 is Abe Linkin. You see, Majer, you can't make a 
 whistle out of a pig's tail, and it seems to me jest 
 about impossibul ever to make Union men agin 
 out of the rebils. However, they shan't have 
 Washington, ef I have to call every man in the 
 North here to defend it." Ses I, " Kernel, that's 
 right. I'de stick to the White House until the 
 top blowed off and the cellar caved in." 
 
 You better believe we've been in an awful ex- 
 citement here sence the news about Banks cum. 
 Seward looks paler than ever, while Chase is 
 skeert half to detli for fear of its effect on the 
 Treasury. The Kernel and I, however, keep cool, 
 and we are getting things pretty well straightened, 
 out, so ef the Secesh come here now, they may wish 
 they had never got so nigh Washington. 
 
 Linkin ses " he warn't skeereda hooter, but was 
 only rarin mad." At any rate, lie looked awful 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 87 
 
 savage, and ef he had had my axe, I ralely believe 
 he might have split rails enough to fence the 
 Southern Confederacy in. 
 
 I had intended to be back to Downingville be- 
 fore the first of June, but Linkin says he won't 
 hear of my goin until he sees more daylight down 
 South. I must be there the 4th of July, at any 
 rate, for I never allow that day to go by without 
 reviewin the Downingville melisha. 
 Your friend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
88 LETT*rt^ .<F 
 
 LETTER £. 
 
 TJie Major Troubled with his old Comprint, the " Rumntics" — He 
 Examines the Finances — Mr. Chasv Frightened — The Myor 
 Figures up the Accounts on His Slate — Returns axd Shows 
 the Result to Mr. Lincoln~-He is Astounded — The " Kernel 
 and the Majer" Take Some Old Rye — The Major Proposes to 
 Return to Downingville to Spend the ^th of July. 
 
 Washington, June 8th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin ; 
 
 Sues: — It has been mit'y onpleasant wether 
 sence I writ you last, an I have had a rale sharp 
 twinge of the rumatics. These cold rains in June 
 are hard on a constitushin that has had a tussle 
 with nigh on to about eighty winters ; but hows- 
 eyer, with a little elder bark tee, my favorit rem- 
 edy wen it's mixed with a good deal of old rye, 
 I've got now about as good as new agin. So the 
 other day I telled Linkin I was going to finish up 
 my sifering on the financies. He sed he wished I 
 would, for he was alrcddy beginning to think 
 about laying the foundashin for his nex message, 
 an he wanted the facts to put in. So I telled him 
 he mast give me a letter of authority that I might 
 show the Seckatary of the Treasury, so that he 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 89 
 
 would see that I warn't eny common chap coming 
 to pry into what was none of my business. So 
 Linkin sat down an writ a letter as follows : 
 
 " Dear Sur : — Majer Jack Downing is author- 
 ized to examine into the state of the financies in 
 partickelar. 
 
 " A. Linkin." 
 
 Wen the Kernel first writ the letter, he didn't 
 have on the last two words in italicks. I asked 
 him to put 'em on, an he did. « Majer, what do 
 you want them words for ?" " Wal," scs I, « Ker- 
 nel, them words will puzzle Chase eenamost to 
 death, an will so trubbel him that he will think ef 
 he dares to keep back the truth, that you'll be sure 
 to give him his walkin papers. You see, Kernel, 
 you must be a little mysterous with these polly- 
 ticians, or else they don't get afeered of you." 
 
 I then put the letter in my hat, rite under the 
 linin, an, takin my slate under my arm, and my 
 hickory in my hand, I started for the Treasury 
 buildin. It aint far from the White House, an I 
 soon got there. It's a mity big pile of stones, I tell 
 you, and must have cost a heep of money to have 
 got it fixed up so nice. Jest as I was goin in 
 the door, I met Mr. Chase comin out. He knew 
 me an I knew him, tho' he didn't su?pect for a 
 minnit what I was after. S.>< he, « Majer, I'm 
 
90 LETTERS OP 
 
 mighty tickled to see you. It does my heart good 
 to see a genuwine loyal man in these days of rebel- 
 lyn, an I know you're one." " Wal," says I, " Mr. 
 Seckatary, ef Ginneral Jackson was a loyal man, 
 then I'm one, and ef he warn't loyal then there 
 ain't eny sich thing as loyalty." Ses he, "Majer, 
 you're rite, an what kin 1 do for you this mornin ?" 
 " Wal," says I, " Mr. Seckatary, I've come around 
 to inquire into the state of the fmancies. The 
 President ses he's very busy, an bein as I was good 
 at iigers, he wanted me to jest take a look at the 
 books an see how the ackounts stand." 
 
 Wen I sed this, I see he didn't look pleased at 
 all. He began to make sum sort of apologies, that 
 the ackounts were behindhand, and so on, but 1 
 telled him I warn't partickelar about all the little 
 items, an that I only wanted to get at the ginneral 
 sum ; but as he still seemed to be hesitatin, thinks I 
 to myself, now's the time to show him the Presi- 
 dent's letter — that will fix him, sure. So I took 
 off my hat and showed it to him. Wen he red it 
 he was as per lite as a nigger wen he wants to 
 humbug you. He looked at it a long time before 
 he sed eny thing. Wen he did speak, ses he, 
 " Major, what do these last words ' in partickelar ' 
 mean?" " Wal," ses I, "I don't know as I can 
 tell. The President put 'em in there, and I didn't 
 ask him what he meant by 'em." You see, I 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 01 
 
 warn't goin to bo fool enough to let him think I 
 bad suggested his putting 'em there, for that would 
 have spoilt all my plans. I see he was worried, an 
 that was jest what I wanted. 
 
 After that he asked me to come in his office, and 
 he began to tell me that the fi nancies were in a 
 very prosperous condishuu. He took down a big 
 book which he sed his clarks had prepared for 
 him, so that he could see every Saturday night jest 
 how much much the Government was in debt. I 
 took a look at it, but I couldn't tell head nor tail 
 to it. He sed they kept their books by dubbel 
 entry. I tellecl him that I should think that a sin- 
 gle entry would be as many times as such a debt 
 as ours ought to be chalked down. " Now," ses I, 
 "Mr. Seckatary, I want to get at this subject in a 
 way that ' plain people,' as the Kernel says, can 
 understand it." Ses I, " what is the debt now ?" 
 " Wal," ses he, " it is $491,000,000." « Is that 
 all ?" ses I. " Why, in your report last winter you 
 estimated that it would be $317,000,000, and you 
 don't say that it is less than the estimate." " Wal," 
 ses he, " Majer, that is what the books say." Now, 
 ses I, Mr. Seckatary, them books by dubbel entry 
 ain't worth a peck of saw-dust. There was !);•:- 
 con Doolittle's son, Hosea, of Downingville, w 
 went to York and set up the dry-goods business. 
 Wen he failed, his books showed that he was worth 
 
92 LETTERS OP 
 
 two hundred thousand dollars, and yet he didn't 
 have money enough to get his wife hum to his 
 father's. You see dubbel entry is a good deal like 
 riding two horses at once ; you can't manage 'em, 
 and things get so kinder mixed up in profit and loss, 
 and notes payable and notes receevable, that you 
 can't tell how you stand. "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seck- 
 atary, I want to ask you some questshins by single 
 entry, and I will but the ansers-down on the slate." 
 Ses I, " Didn't you say in your report that the este- 
 mate for the army was for 400,000 soldiers, $400,- 
 000,000 ; for 500,000 soldiers, $500,000,000, and 
 so on ?" " Yes, Majer, that was the statement, I 
 beleeve." " Wal, now," ses I, "we can figer this 
 down in short meter. How many soldiers have 
 you had?" "Wal," ses he, "over 000,000 have 
 been paid for, nigh about 700,000." " Now," ses 
 I, " Mr. Seckatary, you don't want any dubbel 
 entry, or threbbel entry to get at that; the multi- 
 plicashun tabel is just as good a document as I 
 want. Take that and my slate, and I ken figer it 
 up in a minnit. You see, there is §700,000,000 at 
 one slap. Your books may show what you have 
 paid, but you see, Mr. Seckatary, you arc running 
 this war on credit, and because you ain't paid all 
 your debts, that is no sign that you won't have to. 
 Besides," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you have mafic, 
 you know, some misealculashuns, and mcbby you 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 93 
 
 may make more. In your first report in July, 1 8 r )l , 
 I've ben reaclin it kecrfuily, and I've got it marked 
 down on the slate here, you sed the expenses for 
 18(32 would be §318,000,000, but in December, you 
 said they would be $543,000,000. Now, here was 
 mistake of over §200,000,000. You sed in July, 
 the tariff Avould yield §57,000,000. In December 
 you said you could not calculate on over §32,000,- 
 000. You estemated the receipts from land sales, 
 in July, at §3,000,000. You cut it down in De- 
 cember to §2,300,000 ; and now Congress, by pas- 
 sing the Homestead bill, will whittle it all off. 
 Here, you see, are some great mistakes, but there 
 are some on the other side of the account. There 
 are some items of expenses, too, which you have 
 omitted. There's the §30,000,000 recently passed 
 to settle up Cameron's ackounts. Then there is a 
 $100,000,000 of outstandin debts. Then there is 
 §100 bounty to each soldier, which, by the time the 
 war is over will amount to §100,000,000 anyhow. 
 Then there is §1,000,000 given to buy the niggers 
 in this District. Let us see how much that makes. 
 I'll add it up— §250,000,000, which, added to the 
 §700,000,000, makes §950,000,000, as the present 
 debt Uncle Sam has on his shoulders. You might 
 just as well call it a Thousand Million of Dol- 
 lars and be done with it. 5 * 
 
 Wen I got through, the Seckatary looked ama- 
 
94 LETTERS OF 
 
 zin reel in the face, and ses he, " Majer, the truth 
 is, where there is so many peopul spendin money 
 its mity hard to keep track of all the items." 
 " Wal," ses I, " there ain't only one more pint on 
 which I want to show you you have made a mis- 
 take. In December lost, you calkelatcd that the 
 war expenses for 18G3 would be $360,000,000, but 
 the House has already passed bills for the army 
 amounting to $520,000,000. Then you thought, 
 Mr. Seckatary, that the war would be ended by 
 July, but here it is about that time, and we only 
 seem to be jest fairly getting into the shank of the 
 fight." 
 
 " Wal, to tell the truth, Majer, this war has clis- 
 appinted the hull of us, but I think I havn't been 
 so foolish as Seward. I never seel it would end in 
 'sixty days.' " 
 
 " That's so," ses I, " but you see there's nothin 
 like tellin the truth rite out, and its alius very bad 
 to deceive the people on money matters. You may 
 love the niggers, Mr. Seckratary, as much as you 
 want to, but don't try to pull the wool over white 
 folks' eyes, or let other people do it, for it will 
 break down the administration as sure as my name 
 is Majer Jack Downing." 
 
 "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's so, and when I 
 send in my next report, I'm goin to jest speak 
 rite out. I've tried to do my best to keep down 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 95 
 
 expenses, but I can't, and when T get another 
 chance I'me goin to put the blame where it be- 
 longs." 
 
 Ses I, " that's rite, Mr. Seekratary. Don't let 
 the raskils git clear without bein exposed. But ef 
 you undertake to cover up their tracks, you will 
 come out jest as old Squire Biddle did in that 
 United States Bank matter." 
 
 I then bid the Scckratary " good mornin," and 
 started back to the White House. He was very 
 perlite to me, and said he hoped the President and 
 me would look at the subjcck favorably. I telled 
 him that the Kernel would do what was jest rite, 
 and that ef he would only keep a sharp lookout 
 on the plunderers and stealers, I would be his 
 friend till deth. He sod he would, and we shook 
 hands and parted. 
 
 Wen I got back Linkin sot in a cheer fast 
 asleep, with his feet up on a tabel. I giv the tabel 
 a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratcned 
 up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, " was 
 I asleep, Majer ?" " Yes, jest as solid as a saw- 
 log. What on arth makes you sleep," ses I, " rite 
 in the middle of the day ?" " Wal," ses lie, " Ma- 
 jer, the truth is, I was readin the Nashinal Intelli- 
 gencer /" " Sure enuf," ses I, " that's worse than 
 opium." " But," says he, " what about the finan- 
 ces ?" Then I showed him the slate, and how I 
 
96 LETTERS OF 
 
 had figered up the debt, and told him all I sed to 
 
 Mr. Chase. I never see a man so flustrated as 
 Linkin was. " Wal," ses he, " Majer, ef I was 
 only back to Illinoy safe and sound, you wouldn't 
 never ketch me a runnin for President agin. I 
 had no idee that the debt was anything like this. 
 But ef the music has to be faced, I'll face it. 
 There's one thing, Majer, that we've got the ad- 
 vantage of any other administrashin in. We can 
 say that this debt was a 'military necessity!' 
 That cuts off debate." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, 
 perhaps the people will be satisfied with that, and 
 perhaps they won't. Any how, that won't make it 
 any easier to pay the taxis." "Wal," says Lin- 
 kin, " we'll leave that subjec to posterity." Ses 
 I, " is that fair, Kernel, to burden posterity in 
 that fashun ?" " Wal," ses he, " what's posterity 
 ever done for us ?" 
 
 The Kernel then took down the figers off my 
 slate in his book, and sed he would keep 'em for 
 his nex message. 
 
 Then Linkin, ses he, ;c Majer, you've worked 
 like a nailer on these figers, an it's an awful dry 
 an tough subjec. So I think you better have some 
 old rye to sort of top off with." Then he called 
 the feller in purty bad clothes, who does arrands, 
 and telled him to bring out the black bottle. 
 "Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "take a good 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 97 
 
 swig. It will be healthy for your rumatiz. As 
 for mo, I'll jest take a little for company sake. I 
 don't drink myself, you know, Major, but I like to 
 have a little old rye aroun ; an I alius tell the old 
 woman ef there's eny of it missin not to ask eny 
 qucstshins." After we got dun drinking, ses I, 
 " Kernel, I have been here with you ever sence 
 the 1st of February, an wen I cum I didn't expec 
 to stay more than a month. Now, the 4th of July 
 is comin along close at hand, an I must be think- 
 ing about gettin back to Downingville, for I must 
 be there before the 4th. Now," ses I, " Kernel, 
 ef you'll onlv <ro alono; with me down there, as 
 Ginneral Jackson did, I'll promise you a great 
 reccpshun." 
 
 " Wal," ses he, " Majer, I can't go. The truth 
 is, the rebils need watchin. But you tell the Dow- 
 ningville folks that jest as soon as the rebelyun is 
 put down, I'm comin down ther. A town that can 
 turn out such a loyall regiment as the ' Downing- 
 ville Insensibles,' and such talented officers as In- 
 sine Stcbbins, must be, as we Westerners say, ' a 
 heep of a place.' I'm sorry to have you go, Ma- 
 jor, but I hope you'll be able to cum back alter 
 the nashiuul annyversary." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I can't promis, but I'll 
 see how my rumatiz gets on." 
 
 I shall pack up in a few days, onicss somethii) 
 5 
 
98 LETTERS OF 
 
 onexpccted occurs, and it may be the next time 
 you heer from me, will be from Downingville. If 
 you print this letter, I hope you'll apologize for its 
 dullness, for figgers are mity dry readin for most 
 peepel. However, ef they don't study into figgers 
 about these days, it won't be long, I'me afeered. 
 before they'll be sorry they didn't. 
 Your frend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 1)9 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 
 TJie Major Does not go to Downingville — Loses His Hickory — Gets 
 a Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co. — The Major De- 
 clines to Sign the Receipt at First — Whiskey and the Consti* 
 tut ion — " The Constitushinal Teliskope''' — A Magical Change 
 — Mr. Seward's Trick — Hie Major Discovers it — A Negro in 
 It. 
 
 Washington, June 18, 1862. 
 To the Editers. of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Sues : — I expect you'll be struck all aback to 
 git finuther letter from me, elated Washington, 
 and I*m kinder surprised myself, for I expected to 
 be in Downingville, long afore this. But you'll 
 see by the time you git through this letter, that it 
 was impossibul for me to leave. I got my trunks 
 all packed up and ready to start, when lo ! and 
 beheld, my hickery, that Ginneral Jackson give 
 me, was missin ! Now, I couldn't no more travil 
 without my hickory cane then I could soddcr up 
 this broken Union with skim milk. I told Linkin 
 I was all ready, but that my hickery was missin. 
 So he called the feller in putty bad close, who 
 docs chores around the White House, and asked 
 Uiiii if he'd seen it? He sed he hadn't. Then I 
 reckollected that there had been a Cabbynet meet- 
 
S 00 LETTERS OF 
 
 in the night before, and it struck me tnat some of 
 the members had walked off with it. So Linkin 
 sent the toiler around to see. After he'd gone, I 
 told Linkin ef any of 'em had it that I'd bet it was 
 Stantin, for ses I, " Kernel, ever sense he tried to 
 get on your trowsers down to Fort Monrow, he's 
 acted jest as ef he wanted to play Ginneral Jack- 
 son, and ef he can git a piece of hickery that the 
 old Ginneral has handled, he'd think that he was 
 on the road to glory." Sure enuf he had it, but 
 pretended it was all a mistake, jest as he did 
 when I caught him in the Kernel's trowsers. De- 
 pend upon it, Stantin needs watchin, for he is one 
 of them kind of fellers who's got it into ther head 
 that they are forordained for somethin, and they 
 don't know what. 
 
 The loss of my hickery kept me over one day 
 longer, and the next clay I got the bottle of Bore- 
 bon whiskey which you sent to me. A feller by 
 the name of Adams fetched it, and he wouldn't 
 take any pay for his trubble either. I asked him 
 ef he was eny relashin to Phil Adams, who used 
 to keep a tanyard in Downingville, as he was a 
 very clever man, and used to do eny thing for his 
 naybors for nothin. The chap laughed rite out 
 loud at this, and sed " he didn't see it." Ses I, 
 " what don't you see ?" " Wal," sed he, " never 
 mind, old feller, about tellin long stories, but jest 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 101 
 
 put your name rite down there," and he handed 
 out a big book full of writin. Ses I, " Mr. 
 Adams, I never put my name to enything that I 
 don't understand." Ses I, "that may be a secesh 
 docyment for all I know." Ses the feller, ses he, 
 " Git out ! this is only a receipt for that bottle." 
 "Wal," ses I, "ef that's all, then here goes." 
 So I got my spectacles and a quill pen, for I 
 never rite with eny of the new-fangled kinds, and 
 I jest rote out " Majer Jack Downing " in a stile 
 that made the fellow stare. Ses I, " Mr. Adams, 
 you have some awful poor riters among the feller* 
 you deal with, but I ain't ashamed of that ritin 
 enywhere." The chap he looked at it a moment, 
 and then he looked at me, and finally ses he, 
 " Bully for yon," and in a jiffy he was off, without 
 even shakin hands or sayin good by. 
 
 After he was gone I took the bottle into Lin- 
 kin's room and opened it. Now, ses I, Kernel, 
 let's try this licker." " Wal," ses he, " Major, 
 I'm a good judge of Borebon, for it comes from 
 my old State of Kentuck." Wen Linkin saw the 
 name on the bottle, " Mr. Cotton, 30(3 Washing- 
 ton street, N. Y.," ses he, " Major, do you think 
 this is loyal wiskey ?" " Why," ses I, " Kernel, 
 what makes you ask that questshin ?" " Wal," 
 ses he, " don't you see the man's name is Cotton /" 
 " Now," ses I, " Kernel, what an idee that is ! 
 
102 LETT ions OF 
 
 Do you suppose it would bo dangerous for him to 
 live down in Secesh, where they are burning cotton 
 as fast as they kin ? " Wal, never mind the 
 name, Majer, let us taste of the wiskey. I can 
 tell whether its loyal or not." So I opened the 
 bottle and poured out some, and the Kernel took 
 a good swig. I also took a snifter, and we both 
 pronounced it A No. 1 licker, and loyal, too. 
 "Now," ses I, Kernel, can you tell me why this 
 wiskey is like the Constitushin of the United 
 States ?" " No," ses he, " 1 don't see eny simu- 
 larity." u Wal," ses I, " Kernel, this wiskey was 
 made for White Men, jest as the Constitushin was." 
 Ses he, " Majer, how do you know it was made for 
 white men?' "Wal," see I, "it is jest as plain 
 to me as daylight. You see, Kernel, the licker 
 agrees with you. It tastes good. It won't hurt 
 you ; in a word, it corresponds with natur. That's 
 a sign it was made for you. Jest so it was with 
 the Constitushin. It applies to white men exact- 
 ly, and they've always got along together with it 
 fust rate. Now, you give this wiskey to the 
 niggers, and they get drunk on it, and cut up all 
 sorts of scrapes, but white men, whom it was 
 made for, know jest how to use it, and it don't 
 do them eny hurt. Jest so with the Constitu- 
 shin ; you apply it to niggers and it is jest as bad 
 for 'em as wiskey. They don't know how to uso 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 103 
 
 it, an they'll destroy everything, an make them- 
 selves an everybody else ten times worse off." 
 "Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, u Mnjer, I wish I 
 could see how it is that the Constitushin don't 
 apply to niggers jest as much as to white men." 
 Ses I, •« Kernel, you don't look at the Constitu- 
 shin thru constitushinal spectacles. That Chi- 
 cago Platform bothers you." Now, ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, el' I'll make you a Constitushinal Tellskope, 
 will you promise me to use it? If you will, it 
 will be about as good a guide to you as ef I staid 
 here all summer myself?" Ses I, " it will show 
 the " Constitushin as it is, an the Union as it 
 was." Wen I spoke of this, Linkin scd he'd be 
 tickled eenamost to deth ef I would make him one. 
 So I told him I could do it in one day, an that al- 
 though I was very anxus to get hum, yet I'd fix 
 this up before I started. So I jest went up to my 
 room and began to plan. I had a pair of old 
 spectacles, which Ginneral Jackson give me, and 
 I knew that the glasses were jest as sound consti- 
 tushinal glasses as were ever looked thru. So I 
 took 'em out of the cases, an got a magnify in 
 glass and put between 'em, an fixed 'em in a long, 
 narrer box. It took me about all day before I 
 got it finished. Wen it was all done, I looked 
 thru it, and you never see sech a glorious site. I 
 could see jest as ef it was the hull Union lay in 
 
104 LETTERS OF 
 
 out before me. There was the Stars and Stripes, 
 an the eagle, an thirty millions of white people, 
 all happy an contented, an joy an prosperity smil- 
 in everywhere. An the sky seemed to be bendin 
 down so as to almost tech the artli, an away up in 
 the clouds I could see rais of light streemin forth, 
 an I thought I could even see the angil robes of 
 Washington, an Jefferson, an Madison, and the 
 old Ginneral lookin down, an rite over the hull 
 was the words, " Glory" and "Peace," in grate 
 big letters. It was raley beautiful. I got a 
 lookin at it, an forgot all about myself, in a sort 
 of a reveree, and wen I cum to, I found I'd been 
 cry in, because, you see, that was the Union «; it 
 was, an not as it is now. In fact, wen I got 
 awake, I found it was eenamost pitch -dark, an so 
 Linkin couldn't look thru the Teliskope that nite. 
 Then I got a piece of chalk, an marked it " Lin- 
 kin's Teliskope," an took it to him. 
 
 " There," ses I, " Kernel, that Teliskopeis done, 
 an to-morrow you kin take a look at the Union 
 as it was, an the Constitushin as it is." Ses I, 
 " the scene is a glorious one." So I left the Tel- 
 iskope in Linkin's room that nite, an went to bed. 
 
 The next morning after I got my breakfast, I 
 went in, " and now," ses I, "Kernel, we must try 
 the Teliskope.' So I thought I'd look thru fust 
 to sec ef the glasses were set all rite, wen I was 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 105 
 
 never so took aback in my life. Instead of the 
 joy and happiness, and the smilin faces, and the 
 thirty millions of white people, the rais of lite in 
 the sky with " Glory and Peace " on em, all was 
 dark and dismal. All I could see was some 
 4,000,000 of niggers, and war, and bloodshed, 
 and misery, camps full of sick sojers and broken 
 waggons, wimmen and children cryin, and the sky 
 was black, and away up on a black cloud, in let- 
 ters still blacker, I could see the words " Negro 
 Freedom and War." 
 
 I jumped back as ef I was hit wen I saw it. 
 Ses Linkin, " What's the matter, Major ?" Ses I, 
 " Kernel, that Tcliskope is all out of order. It 
 ain't rite." But Linkin sed he hadn't teched it, 
 so I was puzzled. So after thinkin awhile, ses I, 
 " Kernel, was there enybody here last nite after 
 I went away!" "Yes," ses he, '-Boss Seward 
 came in for a while and talked over matters." 
 Ses I, "did he tech this?" "Wal, he was 
 lookin kinder inquirin at it, and I telled him 
 what it was, and he seemed to be grately struck, 
 and examined it very clus." 
 
 " No," ses I, " that ackounts for it. The pesky 
 critter has been playin one of his cunnin tricks on 
 me ; but my name ain't Jack Downing ef I don't 
 expose him. No true constitushinal Tcliskope 
 will giv such a view as that of the Union." So 
 
106 LETTERS OF 
 
 I sot down and took out my jack nife, and went to 
 work takin it all apart. I found the box all rite ; 
 there warnt enything in the tube, and I was puz- 
 zlin myself what could be the matter, when I 
 slipped up the magnifying glass, and rite back of 
 it was a little bit of a paper nigger, black as the 
 ace of spades, that that feller Seward had cun- 
 ninly slipped in there ! You see that at once 
 ackountcd for the hull troubbel, for the magnifin 
 glass reflected the nigger instead of what it would, 
 naterally, the white man. After I took the nig- 
 ger out, it was all rite agin, and wen Linkin 
 looked thru it, he was perfectly astonished. 
 "Now ,' ses I, " Kernel, you see that it is tryin 
 to put the nigger where he don't belong that is 
 the cause of all our trubbel. He don't belong in 
 the Constitushin, and when we undertake to put 
 him "ther it won't work. This trick of Seward's 
 jest shows you what he's up to. Now, Kernel, 
 I'm going to start for Downingville arly to-mor- 
 row mornin, and I'll leave you this Teliskope so 
 you can take a look at the Union as it was, and 
 don't you let Seward or Sumner, or any of them fel- 
 lers, get hold of it. Wen you get puzzled, jest 
 go and look thru that, and you may depend upon 
 it it will lead you strate. If you get inter eny 
 deep troubbel, write me and I'll give you my ad- 
 vice, or ef you can't get along without me, I'll 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 107 
 
 come back after the Fourth is over, and stay with 
 you till you get out of this scraps with the rebils. 
 I told you I would stick to you, and I will." So 
 I bid good bye to the Kernel and his wife that 
 nite, reddy to start in the early train in the 
 mornin. 
 
 I intend to give you a full ackount of the cele- 
 brashin of the Fourth at Downingville. Insine 
 Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, who 
 writ the piece of poetry on Mrs. Linkin's ball, 
 and who was wounded at Chickenhoniiny and cum 
 hum with a furlong, is to be orater of the occa- 
 shin. Jerusha Matilda Jenkins, the darter of 
 Deacon Jenkins, and who went down to Port 
 Roile to teech the contrarybands their primers, 
 will also be there. The Insine is a very smart 
 chap, ef he is a niggcrite, and I expect he'll do 
 himself creditable. 
 
 Excuse this long letter, and beleeve me 
 Yours till deth, 
 
 Majeii Jack Downing. 
 
108 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 T}ie Major Disappointed— Meets the President at West Point — 
 Sees Gen. Scott — They Talk over Strategy — Returns to Phila- 
 delphia with the President — Makes a Speech at Jersey City — 
 Mr. Lincoln also Speaks — Meets Seward at the Astor House — 
 A Wheel within a WJieel- — Mr. Seward Caught. 
 
 Downingville, July 5, 1862. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 I don't beleeve ther is eny thing that so sorter 
 gets all my runnin-gear out of order as onsartin- 
 ty. Wen I writ you last, I was jest leavin Wash- 
 ington, and wen you come to hear how I've scooted 
 round the country sence, you will be astonished. 
 You see I hurried on hum as fast as I could go, 
 because I wanted to get to Downingville in time 
 to see that the arrangements for the 4th were o:ot 
 up in the rite stile. But wen I got to Boston, I 
 was struck all up in a heep by gettin a telliegraff 
 from Linkin, tellin me not to go eny further till I 
 heerd from him. That puzzled me terri bully, and 
 I was in an awful state of onsartinty. Thinks I 
 to myself, now there's sumthin up. What on artb 
 can it be ? Has that feller Stantin been cuttin 
 up eny more of his capers ? But I was so puzzled 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 109 
 
 that I couldn't imagin wat was to pay. But I 
 waited a few days, and then I got a letter from 
 the Kernel, in which he sed he wanted me to meet 
 him at West Pint with Ginneral Scott, as ther was 
 sum grate struttygy goin on which he wanted to 
 advise about. Then I knowed ther was sum trub- 
 bel sumwher, so I jest packed up my trunks and 
 tuk the ralerocle for Allbanee, so as to cum down 
 the North River to West Pint. I got ther in the 
 nite, jest afore Linkin cum, arly in the mornin. 
 
 I didn't sleep a wink, but jest went rite over 
 the river in the one hoss ferry-bote they've got 
 there, and waited at the depow for the Kernel. 
 He was eenamost as glad to see me as he was wen 
 I fust went to Washington. He tuk me by the 
 hand, and ses he, "Majer, I feel a good deal safer 
 wen you're around, for I know you won't deceeve 
 me." Ses I, " Kernel, that's what I never do to 
 eny man. Ef he don't like my plane talk, then he 
 needn't heer it, but ef I talk at all, I must talk out 
 the blunt truth." " Wal," ses he, " Majer, we 
 will go over and see the old Ginneral, and then I 
 will lay all my trubbel before you." 
 
 After we got our brakefast, we went to the old 
 GinneraFs room, and, takin out the maps, we went 
 at it. I never studied geographee las? it in my 
 life than we did then. The Kernel sed the news 
 from Ginneral McClellan was that he would be 
 
110 LETTERS OP 
 
 compelled to go to the Jeemes River for his sup- 
 plize, and the grate questshin was, whether he cud 
 turn his riffht wing around so as to swing agin the 
 river jest like opening a barn dore. Ginneral 
 Scott sed he thought it mite be done, provided it 
 was done quick cnuff. I tellecl em I heel often no- 
 ticed that wen I opened one barn dore all at once 
 there would cum a gust of wind, an open would go 
 the other in spite of all I could do. Ses I, " Kernel, 
 ef the rebels should pitch at the left v/ing while 
 the rite is swingin, then both dores would be open, 
 an they might both get off the hinges." Ginneral 
 Scott sed he was afrade it might work that way, 
 but cf the thing cum to the worst, he didn't see eny 
 help for it. You see, the army nigh Richmond 
 was in a tite fix, an Linkin knew it. Wen the 
 Kernel telled Ginneral Scott how it was, the old 
 man cried, and sed he didn't want to live to see 
 the rebils whip that grate army. The whole coun- 
 try have been in a grate fogo about what Linkin 
 went to see Scott about, but that was all. Wen 
 he went away the next day, he sed he wanted me 
 to see Seward, an ef Ginneral McClellan got de- 
 feated, advise with Mm as to what to do. So I went 
 with the Kernel back as far as Filadelfy, where I 
 thought I stop a few days to see how things would 
 turn out. Wen we got to Jarsey City, the people 
 wanted the Kernel to make a speech. He sed first 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. Ill 
 
 he wouldn't go out, but finally the cheers got so 
 loud that I tolled him he must go. " Wal," ses 
 he, " Majer, I can't. You jest go and tell em that 
 I am too tired." So I stepped out on the platform 
 and swingin my hickery around, ses I, " Feller-citi- 
 zens, the President has been up two or three nites 
 travellin, and he ain't abil to speak. You must 
 excuse him." Wen they heered that, it didn't Suit 
 em at all, and a good meny yelled out, " who arc 
 you ?" Then I remembered that I had forgot to tell 
 em who I was. Ho I stepped out, and ses I, (( Vine 
 Majer Jack Downing." Then you had oug ,t to 
 hev heered em cheer, and Linkin, you know is a 
 queer feller, and wants to know all that's goi x on, 
 so he cum out to see what was the matter, j Jter 
 he cum out, of course, he couldn't back out of a 
 little speech. He sed he " jest cum out to sej and 
 be seen, and didn't intend to blab enything about 
 public affairs." The whistle soon sounded, and 
 off we went. Nothing happened on the w iy, and 
 I bid the Kernel good bye in Filadelfy, and went 
 to the Continental Hotel to wait and see how the 
 battle cum off. They have nigger waiters hsre, 
 dressed up like Quakers, and that is the ren.son 
 they call it a Continental hotel— so they say. 
 
 In a few days I saw how tlie battle had turned, 
 and I knew Seward would be along. The Kernel 
 sent me a telliegraff that he would be at the Aster 
 
112 LETTERS OF 
 
 House such a clay, and I agreed to meet him there. 
 I was determined to smoke the old fox out this 
 time, ef it was in my power, and so I began to 
 study him. Weed was there, who thinks he is 
 very cunnin, and Governor Morgan and others. 
 McClellan bein compelled to retreat from Rich- 
 mond, they all thought that France and England 
 would interfere, and what was to be done ? Sew- 
 ard sed we must put the best face on matters we 
 could, and raise more men to fight the rebils, and 
 that by showin a bold front we might frighten off 
 the Uropean powers. He sed he thought it might 
 all be settled in " sixty days " yet, and ef Mc- 
 Clellan couldn't settle it by fightin, he could by 
 deeplomacy. He sed " he would run the machine 
 as long as ther was a linchpin left, and let John 
 Bull and Looe Napoleon do their best." Weed 
 wanted to know, ef we had a war with England, 
 wether it wouldn't be better to have it carried on 
 by contrack. He thought the government might 
 let it out and make money by the operashin. He 
 sed he could furnish the powder and shoddy, and 
 wouldn't charge over five per cent, commission. 
 Gov. Morgan sed he was in favor of a war with 
 England, and as it would be mostly a naval fight, 
 the government would need a good menny vessels, 
 and he had a brother who was a capital judge of 
 sich matters. Stetson sed he thought a war with 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 113 
 
 England would improve bizness in York, specially 
 hotel-keepin, and as the Aster House was handy 
 down town, it would be a first-rate place for offi- 
 cers' head-quarters. 
 
 After they all got through, they asked me my 
 opinion. I turned rite to Mr. Seward, and ses I, 
 " Boss, I'm goin to speak plane." Ses he, " that's 
 rite, Majer. No one can find fault with you. 
 You're a loyal man, and you've a rite to speak your 
 mind." " Now," ses I, " in the first place, Boss, 
 I want to ask you a plane questshin. We all know 
 you are runnin the government machine, and when- 
 ever I look at a machine, I want to know what 
 the drivin wheel is made of. You see if that is 
 all rite, things will go putty nigh rite." Ses Sew- 
 ard, ses he, '• Majer, I've got a model of my ma- 
 chine here, and ef you would like to look at it you 
 kin." So he took out a little curious-looking box, 
 and out of the box a machine. It was a cute- 
 lookin affair. " There," ses he, " do you see that 
 big wheel ? — that's the drivin wheel." I looked 
 at it, an I see it was marked aroun the rim, " The 
 Union and the Constitushin." " Wal," ses I, 
 " Boss, that looks all rite. Eny machine that runs 
 on that basis must bo runnin rite. " But," ses I, 
 " somehow it don't seem to work well. We ought 
 not to get into so much trubbil ef we were jest 
 runnin on the old constitushinal 1 > m ^ i - . " "* " Wal," 
 
114 LETTERS OP 
 
 scs he, " Majer, you see so it is." " Now," ses I, 
 " Boss, there's some thin rong sumwhere. Either 
 the ile is poor or the stuff is bad, or our govern- 
 ment machine od that basis would run jest as slick 
 as greese." 
 
 The more I looked at the machine the more it 
 puzzled me. I knew what a fox Seward was, an I 
 remembered how he stuck the little nigger in Lin- 
 kin's Teliskopc. So all at once the old sayin that 
 " there's allers a wheel within a wheel," popped 
 into my hed. I didn't say it out loud, but I sed, 
 ses I, " Boss, will you let me see whether there 
 ain't sumthin rong about that ?" Ses he, " Sar- 
 tinly, Majer — go ahed." So I jest out with my 
 jack knife an went at it. I tuck it all apart. Wen 
 I went at the wheel I saw the Boss begin to wince, 
 but I went rise on, an purty soon I saw, sure 
 enough, the outside wheel was only a sham, for the 
 rale wheel which run the government machine was 
 marked "Higher Law — Abolition." "Now,' 
 scs I, "Boss Seward, I'm done with you. Here's 
 a wheel within a wheel, jest as I expected. It 
 shows what an infarnal hypocrite you are, and ef 
 you're a mind to lite John Bull or the South, or 
 all the world, as long as you run on that wheel, I 
 won't help you." So I jest tuck my hickery an 
 went out of the room. You never see such a 
 dumbfounded, scart set of men in your life, an Sew- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 115 
 
 ard looked as ef he would craul through an 
 auger hole. I cum rite on after that to Downing- 
 yille, but I didn't get here in time to see about the 
 arrangements. The Insine made his orashin and 
 Jerusha sung the oacl prepared for the occashin. 
 My letter is so long that I can't tell you enything 
 about it, but wen I rite agin I may, ef sumthin 
 more important don't happen. 
 
 Yours, till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
116 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 The Major Returns to Washington — Thinr/s Get Mixed Up — Lin- 
 ' coin and the Panther — Spliltin Rails and the Union — The 
 Major and the President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army — 
 Going up James River — Alarm of the Rebels — Exciting Scene 
 on Board the Boat — Nobody Hurt — The President Reviews the 
 Troops at ITarrison\s Landing — The Return Trip — The Pres- 
 ident and Party Bathe in the Potomac — Almost a Catastrophe 
 — The Major's Lift-Preserver — The Moral of it — The Presi- 
 dent Proposes a Conundrum. 
 
 Washington, July 21, 1852. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Weal, here I am back agin to Washington. I 
 didn't expect to cum on before fall, at eny rate, 
 but I got a letter from Linkin, tellin me he 
 couldn't do without me, no how. He sed that the 
 bars were all down since I left, and that the cat- 
 tle, an bosses, an hogs, an sheep, an mules, were 
 all mixed up together. Now, every farmer knows 
 what a mess it makes of it wen you git fat cattle, 
 an the cows, an the sheep, an bosses, an hogs, all 
 muddled together in one lot, I see, at once, the 
 pickle Linkin was in, an so I determined to push 
 off for Washington once more, an see cf I couldn't 
 help him out. It was oncommon hot wether, an it 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 117 
 
 pulled down purty hard on a constitushin which 
 
 has had to go thru about eighty sich summers. 
 Howsoever, no one ought to stand about hot wether 
 in the sarvicc of his country, even ef he don't git 
 a salary, or have a contrack, or some brother or 
 son where he kin make a pile. I never had a cent 
 for all I've clone, and wouldn't take it. I think, 
 ef there is any human critter on arth who is 
 meaner than another, it is the one who plunders 
 the people, all the -while purtending to be a pat- 
 riot. Wen I arriv, ses I, " Kernel, what's the 
 matter ?" Ses he, " Major, did you ever hear of 
 the story of a man who caught a panther by the 
 tail?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, I have." « Wal," 
 ses he, " I'm that man. I've got the biggest he- 
 panther by the tail that you ever heerd tell of. 
 Ef I was splittin rails I'de know jist what to do." 
 " Why," ses I, " Kerncl,what could you do then ?" 
 " Wal," ses he, "jest stick his tail in the crack of 
 the log, knock out the wedge, and run. But you 
 see, Majer, I ain't splittin rails now, an that plan 
 won't work." "Now," ses I, " Kernel, you ain't 
 splittin rails, but I'm afeerd you're splittin some- 
 thin else." Ses he, "What?" Ses I, "The 
 Union!" "Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "you 
 don't think I want to split the Union, do you ?" 
 " No," ses I, " I don't know as you're raley tryin 
 to split it, but then you've been such a splitter all 
 
118 LETTERS OF 
 
 your life, that perhaps you are doin it unbeknown 
 to yourself. You see, Kernel, as long as you stick 
 to them Abolishinists, jest so long the Union will 
 not only stay split, but the split will grow wider. 
 They are the wedge an you are the mallet. You jest 
 knock the wedge out, an the Union will cum to- 
 gether jest like shuttin up a jack-nife. You sec, 
 they hold that some of the States have got an in- 
 stitushin which they consider rong, and they are 
 detarmined to uproot it. In tryin to do that, 
 they'll split everything ail to smash, an by the 
 time they get thru, it will look as ef lightnin had 
 struck this country from Maine to Texas, in spots 
 not more than six inches apart." 
 
 " Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, " Majer, that 
 brings up a great moral questshin, as the nigger 
 said when he was stealin chickens, an we ain't got 
 time to discuss it now. You see, Majer, I sent 
 for you to know what I better do about McGlellan. 
 I git all sorts of contradictory stories from his 
 army, an I'm puzzled most to deth to know what 
 to do." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, there's nothin 
 like goin in the field yourself, an examine for 
 yourself cf you want to know how things stand." 
 " Wal," ses he, " that's jest what I've been thinkin 
 of, an as you're a military man, I wanted you to 
 go with me." I telled him I had no objecshin to 
 goin, an that ef I had a fair chance I thought I 
 
MAJOR ^JACK DOWNING. 119 
 
 could tell about how things looked. So we sot 
 reddy, and the Kernel asked old Blair's son 
 Frank and Sekertary Stantin's chief dark to go 
 along with us. We went down the Potomack, an 
 jest called at Fort Monro w, and then went up the 
 Jeems River to Harrisin Landin. Goin up the 
 river we kept a sharp look-out for the rebils, who 
 line the bank and shoot at our botes. I told the 
 Kernel that he must be mitey kcrful an not get 
 hit, as the way stocks would tumble in Wall street 
 would be a caushin. So I tuk him down stairs 
 wen we come to the dangerous .places. There they 
 had the bote lined with bales of hay. Ses he, 
 "Majer, which way does the shootin cum from?" 
 "Wal,"ses I, " Kernel, there's no tellin, but," 
 ses I, " you better get behind that bale, for it's a 
 big one, an here's another on t'other side, so I guess 
 you'll be safe." While he was settin there, ses 
 he, " Majer, I ain't afeercl a hooter, but you see 
 I didn't want them seecshcrs to brag about killin 
 me." " No," ses I, " Kernel, that wouldn't do 
 eny how." Jest then st bang" went sumthiu like 
 a shot. The Kernel jumped about ten feet, rite 
 across the bote, and hit Frank Blair with his left 
 boot rite where he ought not to. Frank thought 
 he'd been struck with a cannon-ball, and tumbled 
 over, leavin the seat of honor uppermost. Stan- 
 tin's chief dark acted as ef he'd been eatin poke- 
 
120 LETTERS OF 
 
 berries, and had an awful gripin in the bowels. It 
 seems one of the bales of hay had been tipped 
 over when the Kernel give his big jump, an hit the 
 chap rite in bis bread-basket. We were all purty 
 badly scart, for I tell you it makes a feller feel 
 mighty narvous wen he's in an inemies country, an 
 may be hit eny moment with a cannon-ball or a 
 Minny bullet. Shootin will do very well as long 
 as sumbocly else is shot at ; but wen it cums to 
 yourself, it makes you feel week in the jints, an 
 sumtimes brings on the die-area. Wen we cum to 
 find out, however, we learned we had a scare for 
 nothin. The pilot, in turning one of the short 
 bends in the river, had jerked on his chains too 
 hard, an snapped one of them rite in two. This 
 noise was what sounded down in the cabin like a 
 shot. 
 
 Wen we got to the landin, Ginneral McClellan 
 had hosses reddy for all of us to ride. Linkin 
 chose a black one, and got on. Ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, is black your favorite color ?" Ses he, 
 " Majer, no joking now. This is serious bisi- 
 ness." So I got a white one. I can't ride quite 
 so handy as I did thirty or forty years, yet it is not 
 every nag that could throw me now. Linkin's 
 sterrups were too short for his legs, though they 
 were let out jest as long as they could be. It 
 kinked him up a good deal, an before we got through 
 
MAJOjR JACK DOWNING. 121 
 
 reviewing the troops, ses he, " Majer, I can't stand 
 this bendinof myjints. I'm going to remedy it;" 
 and so he jest turned one leg over the hoss's neck 
 and rode sideways the rest of the time. The sojers 
 cheered him as we went along, an seemed mity 
 glad to sec him. In one place he got up on a 
 brestwork an made a short speech to 'em. He 
 wound up by telling 'em that he had Majer Jack 
 Downing, Ginneral Jackson's old trend, with him. 
 When he sed that, the cheers were dubbled, an I 
 paid my respects to the complyment by takin off 
 my hat an makin jest about the neetest how that 
 ever was. 
 
 After we had seen all the troops an made all thj 
 inquiries we wanted to, we cum away. The se- 
 scshcrs did not trubbel us comin down the river, 
 an we soon once more were sailin up the Poto- 
 mack. Comin up the river the day was warm, an 
 we all felt first rate that McClellan was as well 
 off as he was; the Kernel said he felt jesl as if he 
 would like to have a swim. All hands agreed it 
 would be a capital chance, an so Linkin, and Blair, 
 and Stantin's chief dark, undressed for a splurge 
 in the w r ater. The Kernal asked me to go in too, 
 but I tolled him that, hot as it was, my rumatiz 
 would not allow it. Wen they got about reddy, 
 now, ses I, " Kernel, look out and don't go where 
 the water is too deep, for if you get tuckered out 
 6 
 
122 LETTERS OF 
 
 or have the cramp, you may not get back to the 
 bote." lie sed " there warnt eny danger — that he 
 hed swum the Mississippi River nigh about all over 
 wen he was a boy, and that he guessed he could 
 stand the Potomack." So off they went. Linkin 
 could outswim the hull party, and Blair an the 
 other feller with him looked like sunfish alongside 
 a sturgeon. I thought likely Linkin mite overdo 
 himself, or get the cramp or sumthin, so I jest 
 went to my valese and tuk out my patent gutty 
 perchy life-preserver. 1 ment to have it redely if 
 eny thing happened. Wal, I hadn't more than got 
 back to the side of the bote, wen I seed the Ker- 
 nel flounderin and kickin, and blowin, as ef he 
 was chokin. 
 
 Blair and Stantin's chief dark were tryin to help 
 him, but it was like the blind ledin the blind, an 
 sech another muss in the water you never did 
 see. I saw it was time for my life-preserver, so 
 I jest blowed it up and hollered out to Linkin to 
 ketch bold of it, an told Blair an the other feller 
 to let him alone, that that would save him. Wen 
 Linkin got hold of it he jest raised himself rite 
 up, an looked as happy as a boy with a new hat. 
 He floated rite along towards the bote, an soon 
 cum aboard. Ses he, " Major, I owe you a debt 
 of etarnal gratitude You've saved my life." Ses 
 he, " Major, this life-preserver of yours is th 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 123 
 
 greatest article ever invented. Wen I get dressed 
 I want to examine it." So, party soon, he cum in, 
 an scs he, " Let's take a good look at it." So I 
 showed it to him. The first thing he saw on 
 one side of it was the following words : " The 
 Constitution as it is, and the Union as it was.*' Ses 
 he, " Major, what have you got that motto on a 
 life-preserver for ?" " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I 
 put that there because of the similarity between 
 the two things. Now, that preserver saved your 
 life, didn't it?" "Yes," ses he, " Majer, it did." 
 "Wal, the sentiment in those icords is the life-pre- 
 server of the country. You can't any more save the 
 country without stickin to them, than you could 
 have saved yourself without holdin on to the life- 
 preserver. You must stick to the Constitution as 
 it is, and not as Sumner and Greeley want it." 
 The Kernel began to look kinder struck up wen 
 he see how I had him, an so, scein my advantage, 
 I kept on. Scs I, " Kernel, the truth is, you are 
 just now in swimmin with Greeley, an Sumner, an 
 Wilson, an Lovejoy, an Thad. Stevens, an it is no 
 wonder the country is like you was jest now, 
 chokin and gaspin, and just reddy to sink. You 
 must git out of such kumpany, an the only way to 
 do it is to lay hold of the " Constilushin as it is" 
 and cf you do that, you'll save the country jest as 
 easy as I saved you with that life-preserver." Ses 
 
124 LETTERS OF 
 
 he, " Majer, hold up, you're drivin your hoss rite 
 into my stable, an you don't give me a chance to 
 say whoa." Ses I, " Kernel, go ahed, an ef you 
 can remte what I've sed, I'd like to see you." 
 Ses he, "Majer, do you know why a man's face is 
 like the eend of an old-fashioned house ?" Ses I, 
 " no, Kernel, can't say I do," " Wal," ses he, 
 " because it's his gabble eend." " Wal," ses I, 
 " that may be a good joke, but after all, Kernel, 
 it don't answer my arguments." But I couldn't 
 get another word on politics out of Linkin that 
 day. He seemed to keep up more of a thinkin 
 than I'd ever seen him before. We all got home 
 to the White House safe that nite, an, on the hull, 
 the trip had not only bin pleasant, but profitable, 
 for it will lead to some grate changes in a few 
 days. 
 
 Yours, till deth, 
 
 Major Jack Downing, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 125 
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 The President Has an Attack of Fever and Ague — Tlie Major 
 Prescribes Elder Bark Tea — A Fearful Mistake — The Bark 
 Scraped the Wrong Way — Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled — 
 Stanton, Seward and the Major — A Ludicrous Scene — The 
 " KerneV comes to and Begins to Joke — The Moral of Taking 
 thi Wrong Medicine — " The Irrepressible Conflict" 
 
 Washington, August 1, 1862. 
 To the Editers of the Caivcashin : 
 
 Surs : — I tell you I've had my hands full since 
 I writ you last. Linkin has been nigh about down 
 sick with the fever an agcr. Of course it wouldn't 
 do to let the tel-lie-graf git hold of it, for it 
 would scare Wall street in spasms, and knock 
 stocks down wus than the retreat of Ginneral 
 McClellan. So Stan tin put his sensership on the 
 news, an that was the end of it, while I went to 
 work as I could to cure the Kernel up. You see, 
 the Kernel, for the last month or so, has been very 
 much broke of his sleep. Sumtimes he's up nigh 
 about the hull nite consulten with Stantin, an 
 Hallick, an Seward, an the nite air lias been too 
 much for him. The banks of the Potomick in 
 July an August are mity hard on the constitushin, 
 
126 LETTERS OF 
 
 an ef there is any bilyusness in a man, its party 
 sure to bring it out. Linkin says his constitushin 
 is just like the war, so far, nigh about all billy ns. 
 One day I went into the Kernel's room, an seem 
 he looked kinder blue about the gills, ses I, 
 il Kernel, what's the matter V Ses he, " Majer, I 
 feel as cold as a frozen turnip." Ses I, " Kernel' 
 ain't you gettin the ager ?" Ses he, " No, Ma- 
 jor, I don't think I'm gettin it, for I've got it 
 already." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, ef there is eny 
 feller on arth who can cure the fever an ager, it's 
 me." " Wal, says he, « Majer, I wish you 
 would go ahead, for I can't afford to be sick now. 
 The truth is, ef I had a good ax an some chestnut 
 timber I could soon work off the shakes myself. I 
 used to have them when I was a boy, powerful 
 bad, but I could jest go out eny mornin and break 
 an ager by splitting up a hundred rails as a break- 
 fast spell ; but now I s'pose I must dose myself 
 with sonic sort of pizen doctor stuff, just because it 
 wouldn't look well for a President to split rails." 
 " No," ses I, " Kernel, you needn't take eny pizen 
 stuff. I'll fix you sum medecin which was a grate 
 favorite with Ginncral Jackson, an it will cure 
 you up as sure as my name's Downing." Ses he, 
 '• What is it?" Ses I, "It's elder bark tea." So 
 ] jest went to work and got the feller in bad close, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 127 
 
 who does chores around the White House, to go 
 out into the sububs an scrape me sum bark. I told 
 him very particaler how to do it, an to be very 
 kerful an not to scrape it roundabout-ways of the 
 wood. You see, elder bark is the queerest stuff in 
 the world. If you scrape it down it acts as a 
 fisic, an if you scrape it upwards it becomes an 
 emetick, while by scrapin it around-ways, it ain't 
 nuther one thing nor tother, but just raises a 
 young arthquake gripin an panein a feller as ef 
 the cholery, an yaller fever, an kronick rumatiz 
 had all got hold of him at once. Purty soon the 
 feller cum back, and I went to work makin the 
 tea. After I got it fixed, I went in an give it to 
 Linkin, who was shakin away as ef he would fall 
 apart. " Now, says I, " Kernel, ef you feel bud 
 in the nite jest call me, and I will sec what's the 
 matter." Nigh about mornin sum one was rappin 
 at my door like all possessed. I bounded out as 
 spry as I could, an down stairs I went. There 
 was Linkin agroanin an writhin, an lookin as pale 
 as a ghost, an as lean and lank as a rail. They 
 had sent for Seward an Stantin, an all hands were 
 in a terribul excitement. Seward seemed to be 
 awfully worried. Ses he, " Major, what would we 
 do if Linkin dies, for he's the only one of us left 
 that the pceple's got cny faith in at all ?" Stantin 
 didn't say no thin, but he was lookin round, I 
 
128 LETTERS OF 
 
 thought, to see where the Kernel's trowsers was. 
 As soon as I got a fair look at the Kernel, an felt 
 his pulze, I began to suspect what was the matter. 
 The fust thing I did was to call the feller in bad 
 close who got the elder bark, an ask him particelar 
 how he scraped it. Cum to find out, the numskull 
 had cut the bushes down, an then scraped them 
 around, jest what I had tolled him not to do. I 
 comprehended the situashin in a jiffy. Ses I, " Mr. 
 Seward, I understand all about this case, an ef 
 you'll stand back about four inches, an do jest as 
 I tell you, we'll have the Kernel all rite in no 
 time." Then, turnin round, ses I, " Stantiu, I 
 want you to lend a hand, too, and make yourself 
 ginnerally useful, an don't run off an issoo a proc- 
 lamashin afore you know what is what." " Now," 
 ses I, " the feller that got the elder bark for the 
 Kernel scraped it the rong way, an the medicine 
 won't work. The only way to get it rite is to roll 
 the Kernel over fourteen times clean across the 
 floor. It is a tough remedy, but desput diseases 
 require desput remedies." So I telled Seward an 
 Stantin to take hold, and the way we rolled the 
 Kernel over an over was a caushiu. It seemed as 
 ef it might break every bone in his body, for his 
 frame is so sharp an so full of angles that it jarred 
 an jolted like rollin over a- wagin wheel wen 
 there's no fellers on the spokes. Finally he cum 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 129 
 
 to, an we lifted him on the bed, an in a little while 
 he felt like another person. Seward an Stantin 
 looked skeert yet, but I tolled them they needn't 
 have no fears — that the Kernel was as sound as 
 a dollar. Stantin said he'd hurt his spine in rollin 
 Linkin ; at eny rate, he puffed an blowed like a 
 porpose. I telled him to go home an take some of 
 Chase's "greenbacks" for a poultice, an ef that 
 didn't cure him, then there warn't no virtue in 
 " legal tenders." Seward sed, as I was sich a good 
 doctor he'd like to know what was good for pizen. 
 Wen he was a boy he sed he pizened one of his 
 feet, an that it had allers trubbled him, more or 
 less, ever sence. I telled him to get one of Sum- 
 ner's speeches, an bind on the place, for there 
 warn't eny thing like pizen to draw out pizen, and 
 I thought Sumner's speeches would draw pizen out 
 of ded men, and that I wondered the doctors 
 hadn't got to usin them for bringin to life people 
 who had killed themselves with laud alum, prus- 
 sick acid, an sich things. 
 
 As soon as the Kernel cum to, he begun to joke. 
 Ses he, " Majer, do you know why you and Seward 
 and Stantin rollin me on the floor were like men 
 spredin hay in a meadow?" Ses I, "No, Kernel, 
 I don't, unless the pitchen and rollin are a 
 good deal alike." "No, no," ses he, " Majer, the 
 reason is because it was clone to cure me !" 
 0* 
 
130 LETTERS OF 
 
 " Now," scs I, " Kernel, that is party sharp, but 
 do you know why your sickness is like the Union ?" 
 " No," ses he, " I don't see into that, unless it's be- 
 cause we're both haven a tough time of it." ;i No," 
 scs I, " that ain't it.' " Wal," ses he, " what is 
 it ?" " Wal," ses I, u because it has been takin the 
 rong medicen /" Ses he, " How is that, Major ? I 
 don't understand you." " Wal," ses I, " it's jest 
 here. You know that feller who docs chores for 
 you scraped the elder bark the wrong way, and 
 wen you took it, it come nigh on to killin you. 
 But I didn't know but what it was all rite, and so 
 I give it to you. Now, jest so it's been ever sence 
 you've been President. Seward's been the feller 
 who has been scrapin the medicen for the Union, 
 an he has scraped it all the rong way, an you've been 
 giving it all the time without knowing it. You 
 see, the hull country has got the gripes and the 
 shakes, jest as you had a little while ago, and it all 
 cum from Seward's rong kind of medicen. You 
 see, Seward is tryin to make the people swallow the 
 ' irrepressible conilict,' which is fixed about as fol- 
 lows : 
 
 Higher Law 2 oz. 
 
 Confiscation 2 oz. 
 
 Taxation 2 oz. 
 
 Justice oz. 
 
 Abolition 8 oz. 
 
 (well mixed.) 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 131 
 
 Now, Kernel, such a dose as that would give any 
 country a worse set of spasms and agers then 
 were ever heard of before. Old John Dum- 
 butter, the laziest man 1 ever knew in Maine, 
 sed he once had the fever an ager in Mishegan so 
 that, it shook the buttons off his coat ; but such 
 medicen as Seward is givin the country now will 
 shake even the tail fethers out of the grate Ameri- 
 can Eagle." 
 
 Ses Linkin, ses he, " Hold on, Major, don't pour 
 sich hot shot into me when I'm sick." So I held 
 up ; but I tell you, the Kernel has felt very blue 
 sence that time. One day ses he, " Majer, what a 
 grate mistake I made in not makin Crittenden's 
 compromise the basis of my administration; but 
 it's no use cryin over spilt milk. The leaders of 
 our party wanted the Chicago platform put through, 
 and I'm the man to do what I undertake or sink in 
 the attempt." " Or split the Union ?" ses I. 
 " Wal," ses he, " I don't know about that, but 
 what's in the way must cum down." 
 
 Things look very bad here jest now, and we all 
 feel afraid that they may be worse instead of bet- 
 ter. Stantin wants to issoo a proclamashin which 
 he thinks will set all things rite, but Seward ses 
 proclamashins are played out. Linkin thought at 
 one time to put out a call for a day of fastin and 
 
132 LETTERS OF 
 
 prayer, but Hallack is opposed to it. So things 
 are workin along now kinder slip shod, but I'll 
 try to keep you posted as usual. 
 
 Yourn till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 133 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 
 Gen. McClellarCs Change of Base — A Bear Story — A Delegation 
 of Clergymen — The Major's Opinion on Negroes and " Ed\ 
 ecated PeepuV — How General Jackson Saw Through. Them — 
 How the War is to End — Mr. Lincoln Tells Another Story. 
 
 Washington, August 14, 18G2. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — It has been jest about the hottest weth- 
 er, sence I writ you last, I ever did see. The 
 Kernel ses he feels as limpsey as an eel, an I tell 
 you it has taken the starch out of the hull of us. 
 Ef I don't write a letter this time worth printin, 
 it will be because my idees have all kinder oozed 
 out through my skin. One clay the Kernel ses to 
 me, ses he, " Majer, what do you think about Mc- 
 Clellan's new base on the Jeemes River ?" "Wal," 
 ses I, kS Kernel, it reminds me for all the world of 
 old Truxton Miller's bar hunt, away up in t' e 
 north part of Maine, when I was boy." The Ker- 
 nel likes to hear a story as well as to tell one, so 
 ho insisted that I should tell him all about it. So 
 I proceeded : Ses I, " Old Truxton was the most 
 noted bar hunter in all that part, an it warnt often 
 
184 LETTERS OF 
 
 when he got started after a bar that it ever got 
 away. He could yell an holler equal to wild In- 
 jins, an he ginerally scart away all the varmints 
 for several miles around. One spring the bars 
 had been very trubbclsome, carryin off his sheep, 
 lambs, an even calves an yearlins, and Truxton 
 vowed he'd go an attack the bars in their den. So 
 off he started with his dubbel-barrelled shot gun 
 an his big dog, Harcules, for a regular bar hunt. 
 He soon got on their track, an he followed them to 
 their den. Jest as one was goin in he let go his 
 gun an took one of 'em in the thigh. This only 
 made matters worse, for out come two or three 
 others, an soon the old feller was tackled on all 
 sides. He felt pretty safe with Harcules, but soon 
 the bars made for the dog, an they tore him to 
 pieces in a jiffy. Truxton shot one of 'em, but that 
 put the infernals in the rest, an the old feller had 
 to ' skedaddle,' as they say in these days. Seeing 
 a tree handy by he started to go up, but a power- 
 ful beast fetched him a wipe with his paw an tore 
 off the seat of his trowsers. He got away an that 
 was all, an looked down on the bars in dismay. 
 Now," ses I, " Kernel, I think that McClellan's 
 6 new base' is something like old Truxton's. 13u( 
 all his neighbors turned out, an finally got the old 
 feller out of his danger, an when lie come down 
 he made this remark, ses he, 'Neighbors, it's one 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 135 
 
 tiling- to hunt a bar, but it's quite another thing 
 when the bar hunts you /' " So ses I, " Kernel, it's 
 one thing to hunt the secesh, but it's quite another 
 thing when the secesh hunts you, an it appears 
 to me as if McClcllan is treed in his ' new base.' " 
 " Wal, Majer," ses the Kernel, " how are we to 
 get him away ?" " Wal," ses I, " do jest as old 
 Truxton's neighbors did — Scare off the bars! 
 Scare off the secesh ! Get around 'em on all sides 
 an make them believe you are goin to attack 'em 
 from every quarter, an they will soon scatter so 
 that the Ginnerel can change his base agin. Call 
 it ' a great piece of strutegy,' and the people won't 
 know the difference." " Wal," ses the Kernel, 
 " that's jest what has got to be done, and though 
 it's a mity dangerous movement, rite in the face of 
 the rebils, yet it must be done, or all the troops 
 will die of disinterry where they are." Before 
 this letter reaches your readers the tel/iegraf will 
 announce the hull movement. 
 
 The other day the Kernel had a call from some 
 nigger preachers. He sent for 'em to have a talk 
 about seein whether they wouldn't consent to go 
 to Centril America, but they didn't seem to like it 
 much. They sed they would think about it and 
 report. 'I told the Kernel that when he got nig- 
 gers to immigrate, that the next thing he could do 
 would be to o:ct the kinks out of their hair. Ses 
 
136 LETTERS OF 
 
 he, "Why not, Majer ?" " Wal," scs I, " because 
 it ain't their natur." Ses I, " Kernel, you talk 
 to these niggers jest as if they were white people, 
 all except their color. You seem to think that 
 they will do something for their posterity, sacri- 
 fice something, but they won't. The nigger only 
 cares for the present. The mulattoes have some 
 of the talents of the white men, but the nigger not 
 a bit." 
 
 "Now, Majer," ses Linkin, " you are prejudiced. 
 Don't all the great men of the world, all the 
 lamed men of Europe, and all Christian phylan- 
 thropists, don't they all consider it the highest duty 
 to try an elevate the black race ?" " Now," ses 
 I, " Kernel, I don't care a blue postage stamp for 
 all the groat men in the world. A little plain 
 mother wit I have always found better than a stack 
 of book lamin, an ef any one will jest take up the 
 nigger race an study it out practically, they will 
 see that it has allers been the same uncivilized, 
 heathin people when white folks did not have con- 
 trol of 'em. You send 'em to Centril America, an 
 in a gineration or so they will be again eatin liz- 
 ards an worshipping snakes, as they do in Africa 
 now." 
 
 Scs I, " Kernel, there's no pecpul in the world 
 so likely to lead you astray as edecated peepul. 
 They are all mad as March hares on this nigger 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 137 
 
 questshin, jest as they were in old Cotton Mather's 
 time on witches. Eclecated peepul, Kernel, ain't 
 got any more wit or common sense than other folks, 
 but they try to make you believe they have, an will 
 talk high-falutin words jest to frighten you if they 
 kin. They tried that on the old Ginneral in the 
 days of the Bidclle Bank, but they couldn't budge 
 him an inch. One time the bankers and money- 
 lenders and brokers in Wall street, sent on a com- 
 mittee to see the Ginneral, to honey fuggle him 
 into not vetoing the Bank bill. Ogden Huffman, 
 then the greatest orater, an jest the smartest law- 
 yer York had, was sent on as spokesman. He 
 could talk jest as slick as grease, and knew more 
 law in a minnit than the old Ginneral did in 
 all day. One night he staid till almost mornin 
 talkin and talkin, scoldin a little an palaverin a 
 good deal more. The old Ginneral didn't say 
 much, only once in a while puttin in a questshin. 
 Finally Huffman got reddy to go, an axecl what 
 the Ginneral thought of the argements he had 
 made. The old Ginneral pushed his spectacles up 
 on his forehead, run his lingers through his hair, 
 an jumpin out of his cheer, walked across the room 
 as if he was tarein mad, rite up to Mr. Huffman. 
 When he got there, ses he, ' Mr. Lawyer, your talk 
 is all very pretty, very eloquent, an very larned 
 with Latin, but (an here he fetched his old hick- 
 
13S LETTERS OF 
 
 ory down on the floor) I shall veto that Bank of 
 Bicldle's, by the Eternal !' You see the old Gin- 
 neral couldn't hold a canclil to Huffman, as far as 
 larnin an talk went, but he had the genuine com- 
 mon sense that seen rite through the hull subject. 
 So I tell you, Kernel, don't put your trust in edc- 
 cated peepul. Ef the hull world thinks that you 
 kin make a white man out of a nigger it only 
 shows that the hull world is made up of fools." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " that all may be very true, 
 but you see, Majer, I've got these contry bands on 
 my hands, an I've got to fish or cut bait. We've 
 only got a few thousand free now, an the peepul 
 in the North are in arms to murder 'em ef I send 
 any more there. I shall soon have two wars on 
 my hands ef I don't contrive some plan to get rid 
 of the kinky heads. You, see, Majer, a fire in 
 front an a fire in the rear will be too much of a 
 good thing." 
 
 "I see, I sec, Kernel," ses I, "you've got to 
 change your base." 
 
 " Exactly, Majer, you hit the nail rite on the 
 hed." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I can't give you a bit 
 of advice except what I have all along. Put the 
 negro in his place, an he won't be a bit of trubbel 
 to you, but as long as you try to get along with 
 him out of his place, you'll be in hot water. As 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 139 
 
 for goin to Centril America, they won't go thar 
 eny sooner than they will to Kamscatky." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, scs he, " if they won't do 
 that, we shall all pretty soon be in a nice kittle of 
 fish." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me how 
 you think this war is goin to end ?" 
 
 " Wal, Major, I can't exactly see through the 
 hull subject yet, but I'll tell you a story that 
 about expresses my present idees of the subject. 
 One night at a tavern out in Illinoy, two drunken 
 men were sent to sleep in the same room. Now 
 there was two beds in the room, but they were so 
 drunk that they both got in one bed, but did not 
 know it. No sooner in than one sung out to the 
 other, ' I say, Bill, some feller is in my bed.' The 
 other sung out in reply, < I say, Jim, some feller 
 is in my bed, too.' After swearing at the land- 
 lord for a while for not givin 'em single beds, Bill 
 sung out, 'I say, Jim, I'm goin to kick my fellei 
 out of bed.' Wal, ses Bill, 'so am I.' So at i1 
 they went, kickin like all possessed, until both o' 
 'em lay sprawlin out on the floor. They had 
 kicked themselves out of bed ! Now, Major, 
 guess that will bj jest about how this war wili 
 end. The way we're goin on, both the North a:, 
 the South will kick one another out of bed before 
 they stop, and out of house and home, too." 
 
140 LETTERS OP 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, that's about my idee,, 
 too, and I don't beleeve, by the time they ge y 
 through, either side will have a bed-blanket or 
 even a hull shirt left. They'll be wus off than 
 Billy Bradly when he fit with the catamount, who 
 didn't have a rag left on him except the stock 
 around his neck." 
 
 Here the conversashin dropped. The Kernel 
 looked very solemncolly, and I thought I wouldn't 
 say nothing to hurt his feelins. 
 
 There ain't enything new here jest now, except 
 the arrival of new regiments. Seward feels as 
 happy as a little gal with a new doll every time a 
 regiment comes along. Stantin takes down his 
 big book an adds it on to the number alreddy in 
 the army,. while Chase gets ready to issoo more 
 greenbacks. Your frencl, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 141 
 
 LETTER XVI. 
 
 The Science of " Military Strutegy" — The Major's Opinion Upon 
 it — A Call From the Secretary of the American and Foreign 
 Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condition of the 
 Colored Race — His Speech — The President'' s Reply — A Curi- 
 ous Prayer — The Major's Opinion on Slavery — The Critical 
 Condition of Affairs — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. 
 
 Washington, Sept. 2, 1862. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — Sence I writ you last I've been studyin 
 military strutegy. It is a grate science. 
 Our army, down in Virginny, has been in 
 grate strates lately, an if it hadn't been for 
 military strutegy it would have all been taken 
 prisoners. Ses the Kernel to me, the other 
 day, ses he, " Majer, what do you think that mili- 
 tary strutegy consists in ?" u Wal," ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, it consists in gettin out of your enemy's way 
 wen he's too much for you, an gettin in his way 
 wen you're too much for him." Ses I, " Kernel, I 
 don't know whether that is down in the books, 
 but that's the common sense view of the subject " 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, " whatever strutegy consists 
 in, we don't seem to have a bit of it, for we get 
 
142 LETTERS OP 
 
 in the enemy's way jest wen he's too strong for 
 us, an get out of his way wen he ain't too strong 
 for us. I'm gettin eenamost discouraged with 
 this kind of military strategy." " Wal," ses I, 
 " Kernel, you've got too many Ginnerals an too 
 many armies. There's too many fellers, with 
 more brass in their faces than there is in their 
 buttons, who want to be the biggest toad in the 
 puddle. Now, there can't be but one big toad, 
 an so there can't be but one head Ginneral. You 
 ought to make one man Command-in-Cheef, an 
 make him take the field, so that he can see for 
 himself how matters are goin. Ginneral Hallick, 
 here in Washinton, ain't the thing." 
 
 " Wal, Majer, there is no use of cryin over 
 spilt milk. The troops down in Virginny have 
 been very roughly handled agin by the rebils, an 
 have got so mixed up that it will require a grate 
 deal of strutegy to get them straitened out. The 
 question is, what is to be done ?" 
 
 Jest as I was about to give the Kernel some 
 advice, who should come in but Sumnure, an a 
 feller with a white handkercher around his neck, 
 an two or three other solemn-lookin chaps. The 
 feller in a white kercher spoke up, an ses he, 
 " Mr. President, we're come to sympathize with 
 you in the nashin's afflicshin, for the Lord has 
 agin beat us with stripes — ah. Mr. President, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 143 
 
 I'm chief Secretary of the American and Foreign 
 Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condi- 
 shin of the Colored Race — ah — an I have been 
 appinted Cheerman of a Committee to wait on you 
 an express to you our opinions in the present fear- 
 ful crisis in our country's history. Our society, 
 which is composed of all the most pious maiden 
 ladies in our town — ah — who are over forty years 
 of age, an, therefore, may be considered wise and 
 discreet, desire me to express to you their deep 
 conviction that God will never bless our armies 
 with victory — ah — so long as you do not fight for 
 the freedom of our dearly beloved colored breth- 
 ren — ah. Our Society, Mr. President, has given 
 the condishin of our colored brethren great at- 
 tenshiu — ah. You can judge of the extent of our 
 labor wen I inform you that the sisters of our 
 Society have distributed the past year to our col- 
 ored brethren in Liberia, 500 flannel shirts — ah — 
 GOO wool socks — ah — 100 Bibles — ah — 100 Tracts 
 on Temperance — ah — 500 toothpicks — ah — and a 
 large supply of cologne water — ah ! We should 
 have been glad to have supplied the suiferin 
 bondmen of the same oppressed race in our own 
 country, but the vile rebellion of the infernal 
 slaveholders has prevented. We ask you now to 
 proclaim liberty to the captives, and s let the peo- 
 ple go' — ah. Do not let your heart be hardened 
 
144 LETTERS OF 
 
 as Parroh's was, but save our land from sorrow, 
 an our armies from further defeat by a decree of 
 righteousness. Then will the Lord smile on us, 
 an then shall glory cover the land — ah." 
 
 I believe I've got that speech down purty nigh 
 as the feller delivered it, for he spoke very slow 
 an stately, as if he was tryin to make an impreshin. 
 Wen he got thru, Linkin got up, and ses he, " Mr. 
 Secretary, I'm kinder glad to see you, and will 
 only say that we need all the help about these times 
 we can get, an if I thought the Lord would only 
 help us lick the rebils, I would free the niggers. 
 An if I thought he would help us by freein 'em, I 
 would clo that. In fact, whatever I do, an what- 
 I don't do, I do it, or I don't do it, jest as I think 
 the Lord will be most likely to help us. The great 
 thing is to get the help of the Lord, an I shall 
 adopt new views on this pint jest as far as I think 
 they are good views." Wen Linkin got thru, I 
 pulled him by the coat-tail, an ses I, " Kernel, 
 Seward himself could not have beat that non-com- 
 mittal speech." Ses he, " Hush, Majer, don't throw 
 all the fat into the fire." Jest then the feller in 
 the white hankercher spoke up, an ses he, " let us 
 pray," an at it he went. Ses he, " Oh Lord, throw 
 grate lite upon the mind of our Chief Magustrate — 
 ah — give us victorys over the rebils — ah — give us 
 this yere grate victorys — ah — not such little vie- 
 
MAJOr JACK DOWNING. 145 
 
 tories as we had last yere — ah — but crush the 
 rebils with the arm of thy power. Amen — ah." 
 After this, they all shuck hands, an went away. 
 After they had gone, ses the Kernel, ses he, ' ; Ma- 
 jor, that's a wonderful pious chap." « Yes," ses 
 I, " Kernel, I think he is, in his way, but," ses I, 
 " findin fait with the Lord, bekase He don't give 
 us bigger victories, ain't much like the Christians 
 of arly days." Ses I, " his prayer for big victo- 
 ries reminds me of old Joe Bunker's prayer. Joe 
 was a wicked old sinner who swore wus than a 
 saleyur. One day he was a swarein' kos he didn't 
 hev better corn. Some one told him he orter pray 
 for good corn, if he wanted it. So one day some 
 one was goin' long the road by the old feller's 
 corn-field, and hearin' a noise, they stopped, and 
 who should the noise cum from but the miserly old 
 skinflint Bunker, who was prayin. Ses ho, ' Oh, 
 Lord ! give us a good crop of corn this yere, long 
 ears, long as your arm, not sich d — d little nub- 
 bins as we had last yere.' Now," ses I, " Ker- 
 nel. I think thar's a great deal of simularity 'tween 
 them two prayers, and I think the Lord is jest 
 about as likely to answer one as 'tother." Ses 1, 
 " Kernel, you could bust up fifteen Unions easier 
 than you could destroy slavery." Ses he, " Majer, 
 I don't see into that ezackly, and I'd like to know 
 the reason why." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, the 
 7 
 
146 LETTERS OF 
 
 reason is jest this : men made the Union, but God 
 made slavery, and I tell you," ses I, " Kernel, 
 when you undertake to butt agin that, you butt 
 agin a big subjec." Ses I, "ain't every body been 
 fightin slavery for the last thirty years, and 
 haven't they all cum off second best, while nigger 
 slavery has been growin' and expandin in spite of 
 'em ? God made the nigger to sarve and obey the 
 white man, and until he's altered and made anuther 
 being, you can't make him cny thing but a sarvent. ' 
 These fellers, like that white cravated chap, who 
 was jest here, and who employ their time sendin 
 flannel shirts and tooth-picks to the wild nigger in 
 Afriky, don't know nothin' more about niggers 
 than they do 'bout the interior of the arth. You 
 might presarve all the brains they've got in a drop 
 of brandy, and they would have as much sea-room 
 as a tad-pole in Lake Superior." 
 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, ses he, " Majer, let's drop 
 the nigger jest now, as I want to ask you whether 
 you think the rebils kin take Washington?" 
 " Wal," ses T, " Kernel, that depends upon strute- 
 gy agin. Ef you keep Ginnerals in the field who 
 don't pay eny attention to ' lines of retrctc,' afore 
 you know it, Kernel, that feller with a Stonewall 
 in his name, will be around on the North side of 
 the White House, an I'm afeered my s line of re- 
 trete' to Downingville will be cut off." '• That's 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 147 
 
 so, Majer, and my retrete to Springfield may be a 
 hard road to travel." When Linkin made this 
 remark, he looked kinder oneasy. I didn't know 
 what to say, so I did jest what I allers do in that 
 case, I whistled! Scs Linkin, ses he ; " Majer, are 
 you whistlin to keep your courage up ? Ses I, 
 " No, Kernel, I ain't afraid a mite, but," ses I, 
 " I'm in what old Deacon Doolittle calls a quan- 
 dary." Ses he, " what's your quandary ?" " Wal," 
 ses I, " I was thinkin what I would do ef the rebils 
 should take Washington." The Kernel didn't say 
 nothin for about a minute. He looked very seri- 
 ous, and finally, ses he, " Majer, we're in a tight 
 place, an there is no use denyin it, but it don't do 
 any good to get into a fit of hysterices about it." 
 " Yes," ses I, " Kernel, but it makes me feel solem 
 to see this grate Old Ship of State knockin around, 
 an, may be, jest reddy to sink." " Wal, Majer," 
 ses the Kernel, " that remark reminds me of a 
 story. A good many years ago, an old feller, a 
 free an easy chap, owned a steamboat on the Mis- 
 sippi river, an he was a grate fiddler. He had 
 nothing to do, an ginnerally went up an down the 
 river on the boat, spending his time in fiddlin, an 
 tellin stories. One day the boat struck a snag, 
 an was fast fillin with water. The old feller was 
 in the cabin sawin away on his fiddle when the 
 boat struck, but he paid no attenshin to it, but 
 
148 LETTERS OF 
 
 kept rite on fiddlin. Finally, one of the passen- 
 gers came in an told him that the captain warn't 
 tryin to save the boat as he ought, and that she 
 would be lost in ten minutes. ' Wal,' ses the old 
 feller, 6 she's been a loosin concarn for five years,' 
 and he kept on fiddlin. Pretty soon another pas- 
 senger rushed in, and screamed out s She's settlin 
 very fast.' Ses he, ' I wish she'd settle with me 
 before she goes down,' an still he kept on fiddlin. 
 The next that was seen of him he was swimmin 
 ashore, with his fiddle under his arm an the bow 
 in his mouth. Now, Majer, if they take Washing- 
 ton, and the ship sins, well swim ashore /" 
 
 "Yes," ses I, " Kernel, and I suppose you will 
 take the nigger with you, jest as that old feller 
 did the fiddle, for the nigger has been the fiddle 
 your party has played on !" 
 
 The Kernel didn't seem to like this application 
 of his story, but he didn't say a word. I felt very 
 solemn, for I couldn't help feelin eenamost like 
 crying when I thought how this grate nashin might 
 all be shipwrecked afore he knew it, by a set of 
 fellers who have been so taken up with -the nigger 
 as to let the country go to destruction. 
 
 I went to bed that nite with a heavy hart, an 
 had a terribul attack of bilyusness, which I had 
 to take nigh onto a gallon of elder-bark tea to 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 149 
 
 cure. Sence then I've been better, an if God 
 spares my life I'll keep you posted about our nash- 
 inal affairs as long as there is a nashin. 
 Your frend, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
150 LETTERS OP 
 
 LETTER XYII. 
 
 A Cabinet Meeting — The President Calls for the Opinion of Each 
 Member — Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, Welles, 
 Smith and Bates — 7 he Major Called on for an Opinion — The 
 Peperage Log Story — The Major P oposes an Armistice- No 
 Conclusion Arrived at. 
 
 Washington, Sept. 13th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Suns : — Sech a time as we've had here sence 1 
 writ you last, you never hecred tell on. One time 
 we all thought that the Seccsh would take us, bag 
 and baggage ; but we feel easier now, an every- 
 body is hopin that the crysis is past. Rite in the 
 midst of the tribbelation, Linkin called a meetin 
 of the Cabynet to consult on the tryin state of af- 
 fairs, an he insisted that I must meet with 'em, as 
 it was no time to stand on precidents an ceterys, 
 an beside, ho sed he wanted the help of every 
 ounce of loyal brains in the country. Ses he, 
 " Major, I kin depend on you, for though you some- 
 times give me a hard hit, yet you've allers got the 
 good of your country at hart." Ses I, " Kernel, 
 I'm much obleeged to you for your good opinion, 
 an I kin assure you that every word of it is true. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 151 
 
 Ef there's a man on this arth that lias a truer love 
 for his country than I have, I would like to sec him ;" 
 an ses I, " Kernel, I'll tell you why my country 
 seems so clear to me. I'm an old man now, nigh 
 on eighty years old ; I recollect when Jefferson 
 beat that old Federal, John Adams, in 1800. I 
 warn't old enough then to vote for him, though I 
 wanted to ; but wen he run the second time I voted 
 for him, an done all I could for his election. Wal, 
 I've been a Dimmecrat from that day rite clown to 
 the old Ginneral's time, an I'm a Dimmecrat yit ; 
 but I love my country above all parties. An one 
 reason why my country is so dear to me is, because 
 I haven't got enything else to love now. Nigh 
 about all my relashins are dead an gone, an there 
 ain't enything on arth left me to love but my 
 country ; an wen I see it distracted, divided an 
 bleedin, it makes me cry; an," ses I, " Kernel, I 
 can't help it." 
 
 " Wal," ses the Kernel, " Majer, it's oncommon 
 hard for old men like you, I know ; but you jest 
 meet with the Cabynet this mornin, an let us see ef 
 some new plan can't be adopted to get out of this 
 scrape." 
 
 So wen the time cum, I took my hickery, an went 
 in. Purty soon the different members cum drop- 
 pin in, one by one, an all seemed highly tickled to 
 see me except Seward, who has never forgiven me 
 
152 LETTERS OP 
 
 for exposin his decepshin on Linkin wen he altered 
 my " Constitushinal Teliskope." After they all 
 got seated, ses Linkin, ses he, " Gentlemen, there's 
 no use eny longer of doin like the ostrich does — 
 stick our heads in a sandbank an say that we 
 6 don't see it,' for we're whipped an driven back 
 — in a word, we have failed. Now, the rale ques- 
 tion is, Why have we failed ? What is the cause 
 of it ? Jest as soon as we kin find out the 
 reason of our failure, we shall know what to do 
 to remedy it. Now," ses the Kernel, "I want 
 every one of you to give me your frank, blunt 
 opinion as to the reason. First, I will call on 
 Mr. Seward." 
 
 Seward got up, lookin as pale as a sheet, an ses 
 he, " Wal, it ain't my fault. I've paid no atten- 
 shiu to the war, but have had my hands full in 
 keepin furrin nashius from interferin, an I've suc- 
 ceeded ; but ef I should give my opinion of the 
 cause of the failure of our efforts to restore the 
 Union, I would say it was owin entirely to the 
 ultra-Republicans, who wanted to kill slavery be- 
 fore they scotched it. This let the cat out of our 
 bag before the rite time. It aroused an united the 
 South an divided the North. They saw what we 
 were after. Ef my policy had been followed of 
 pacifyin the South an of talkin ' Union' to the 
 North, we would have scotched the snake of 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 153 
 
 slavery, an then we could have killed it at our 
 leisure." 
 
 Then Linkin called Chase. He commenced by 
 saying that he did not agree with Mr. Seward as 
 to the cause of our failure. He sed it was jest 
 this dilly-dally policy that had ruined us. Con- 
 gress had done its duty, but the President had 
 not yet dared to make the rebils feel the power of 
 Congress. He sed he had kept the army supplied 
 with " green-backs," an that was all he had to 
 do. He had done his duty, but he didn't beleeve 
 we would ever succeed until we fit for liberty an 
 the overthrow of slavery. We should allers fail 
 to restore the Union until we did it. 
 
 Then Stantin spoke. He sed " he thought one 
 grate cause of our failure was because he had not 
 kept on issooing his proclamashins, as he did at 
 first. He sed he thought his proclamashin about 
 6 the sperit of the Lord 1 enabled our soldiers to 
 take Nashville. Then," ses he, " Ginneral McClel- 
 lan is too slow. He might have been made 
 for a ralerode engineer, where there was no hurry 
 about buildin the road, but he was never cut out 
 for a Ginneral. He was a failure, and hence it 
 wos a failure all round." 
 
 Then Blair spoke up. " Wal," ses he, " ef 
 
 there's a man done his dooty, it's me. I've stopped 
 
 every paper in the mails that wouldn't endorse the 
 7* 
 
154 LETTERS OV 
 
 policy of the Administrashin ; hence the people 
 have only seen arguments on one side. Ef we've 
 failed, therefore, it can't be because the people's 
 readin hasn't been well looked after. I haven't 
 allowed their minds to be pisened by eny - copper- 
 head' Dimmocratic doctrines. Nothin but anti- 
 slavery sentiments kin get through the mails now. 
 Ef we've failed, I think it must be because Seward 
 and Stantin have not been more strict in arrestin 
 men who talked " 
 
 Here Seward an Stantin both jumped up an de- 
 clared that Blair was very onjust, an sed they had 
 arrested every man they could get anything agin, 
 an a good menny that they couldn't get anything 
 agin. 
 
 Wal, Blair sed, u enyliow, the failure was not 
 his fault. Ef they didn't beleeve him, let them 
 ask his father, who knew more about politics than 
 eny other man in the country !" 
 
 Then old Welles got up, looking very sleepy. 
 He sed " the failure could not be charged agin 
 the Navy. It was the most wide-awake institu- 
 shin of the age. It had achieved all the victories." 
 [Here Stantin jumped up agin, but Welles wouldn't 
 yield the floor.] " The army couldn't do anything 
 without his gunboats. Every time the rebils got 
 at them, they had had to retrete to his gunboats. 
 In his opinion the army had failed, because it could 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 155 
 
 not carry his gunboats with it. He seel he had 
 been tryin to invent a plan to furnish each regi- 
 ment with a gunboat for land service. Ef he could 
 do that, he thought Richmond might be taken early 
 next spring! The only thing in all the war that 
 had not been a failure were his gunboats !" 
 
 Then Mr. Smith, an old man from out West, got 
 up. He sed "he belonged to the interior, and 
 didn't know much about what was goin on. He 
 had heered say there was a war in progress, and 
 that there had been some pretty tall fightin, but 
 he didn't know whether it had been a success or a 
 failure. Ef we had failed, he thought it must be 
 because we had not been successful, an ef we had 
 succeeded, he thought it must be because we hadn't 
 failed !" 
 
 Mr. Bates sed "he agreed with Mr. Smith, ex- 
 cept in one pint. He had heerd, within a day or 
 two, for the first time, that we had failed. Upon 
 lookin over Blackstun to see ef there was eny case 
 like it, he had been much disappinted in not finclin 
 eny. He thought we must have failed because we 
 had not follered Blackstun." 
 
 After he got thru, Linkin called upon me. I 
 jest hauled up my old hickery and laid it on the 
 tabil, an then puttin my elbows on the tabil to rest 
 myself, I began. Ses I, <e Kernel, I feel kinder 
 6cary to giv my opinion rite here, after sech a dis- 
 
156 LETTERS Ofr 
 
 play of larnin an eloquince; but," ses I, "as I 
 understand the questshin, it is this : We've been 
 fightin to restore the Union, an we've failed. 
 Now, what is the cause of the failure?" Ses I, 
 « Is that it, Kernel ?" Ses he, « Yes, Majer ; that's 
 it, exactly." " Wal," ses I, " I allers want to 
 get on the track afore I start, an then I kin tell 
 purty nigh where I will fetch up. Now," ses I, 
 " Kernel, I want to ask you a questshin : Did you 
 ever try to split a peperage log /" " No," ses he, 
 " Majer, I never did. Nobody would be sech a 
 cor.sarned fool as to try an split a peperage log." 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, suppose some feller should 
 cum to you an tell you that he had been a year an 
 a half tryiu to spilt a peperage log, an couldn't 
 do it, that he had failed, an wanted you to tell 
 him what to do, what would you say to him ?" — 
 "Say to him! — why, I should tell him he might 
 jest as well whistle at the log us to try to split it 
 — that it warn't in the natur of sech knotty, nerly, 
 cross-grained timber to split ; in other words, 
 that he was tryin to do an onpossibul thing." 
 "Now," ses I, " Kernel, that's jest my idee about 
 tryin to save this Union by fightin ! You're tryin 
 to do an onpossibul thing. After a year an a half 
 of fightin, you all acknowledge that you have 
 failed, an all the Cabynet is wonderin why you 
 have failed. Now, it ain't no wonder to me. You 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 157 
 
 have failed jest because, in the very natur of 
 things, what you are tryin to do can't be done in 
 that way. You're takin the rong way to do it." 
 Wen I sed this, you never did see sech a nutter. 
 Stantin turned very red in the face, and sed " that 
 I orter be sent to Fort Lafayette." I telled 
 him that I wasn't afeered of all the Forts this 
 side of Purgotary, and that I should speak my 
 mind till my dyin day, let what would happen. 
 That cooled him down. Then I told the Cabynet 
 that the only way to get out of this scrape was 
 to have an armistiss, stop the fightin, and go to 
 talkin — that both sides had had enuf of blood- 
 shed now to satisfy them, an that the only way 
 to get at a settlement was to do that. They took 
 a vote on it, an all voted for it except Linkin, 
 Chase and Welles. The Kernel sed he was so 
 committed to the Abolishin Governors of the 
 North that he couldn't go for the armistiss. 
 Chase sed, "ef it comes to that, then all the 
 money has been spent for nothin, an I shall be 
 cussed for the debt forever an ever." Old Welles 
 sed that he thought we should be successful jest 
 as soon as he got his new Patent Land Gunboats 
 in operashin, an he was for fightin the thing out! 
 The other members of the Cabynet sed they 
 thought they could back out without much trub- 
 bel. Seward sed he never see a hole so small that 
 
158 LETTERS OP 
 
 he couldn't, on a pinch, get through, especially 
 with Weed to help him. He thought he should 
 turn Dimmocrat ! Stantin sed he intended to jine 
 the church, and turn Methodist precher. Blair 
 sed he didn't know what he should do till he con- 
 sulted his father ! He knew the old man could 
 help him out. Smith an Bates sed they should 
 return to the buzzum of their families, an, if neces- 
 sary for their safety, put on krinoline! 
 
 No conclusion, however, was cum to about the 
 armistiss. The Kernel can't bring himself up to 
 the idee yet. Ef the Governors were only in 
 favor of it, he should do it at once. So I sup- 
 pose, for the present, we shall keep on try in to do 
 an onpossibul thing — to git the Union by fightin 
 for it. Depend upon it, try in to split peperage 
 logs ain't nothin to it. 
 Yours till deth, 
 
 Major Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 159 
 
 LETTER XVIII. 
 
 The Major not III — The President has " the Gripes " — The Witch- 
 Hazel Medicine — Going to the bottom of a Subject — The Dem- 
 ocrats and the War — The Emancipation Proclamation — A 
 Visit to Gen. Mc&ellan's Army — The Soldiei's Cool — Mr. 
 Lincoln tells a Story — " Sloshing About.'''' 
 
 Washington, Oct. 6th, 1802. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Sues : — I soe you sed in your paper, last week, 
 that perhaps I had the rheumatiz, and that that 
 was the resin why I had not writ you. Now, you 
 were dredfully mistaken, for I aint had a twinge 
 of the rheumatics for a long time. The resin I 
 did not write last week was jest this: Rite off, 
 after Linkin had issooed that Abolishin Procly- 
 mashin, he was taken with a terribul fit of the 
 gripes. There was noos received that som j of the 
 sojers were gettin onruly, and rcfusin to fight for 
 the nigger, an I thought one spell that the Kernel 
 would go crazy. He walked the floor all uite, an 
 looked as ef he would die. Finerally it brought 
 on the gripes, an then his condishin was teriibul. 
 I tried elder bark tea, but it didn't do a mite of 
 good, so I telled him there warn't but onu mcdicin 
 
160 LETTERS Or 
 
 that would cure him, an that was witch hazel 
 sticks mixed up with molasses. So I sent fur some 
 twigs an cut em up in about inch pieces, and put 
 the molasses on, an stirred it all up. The Kernel 
 looked at it very sharp, an ses he, " Majer, you aint 
 going to give me rale fence to drink, are you ? 
 The remedy will be wus than the disease." 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, then that will be jest like 
 your Abolishin Proclymashin," an I kept on mixin 
 it with a big spoon. "Now, ses I, " Kernel, the 
 good pints of this medicin are, that as it goes thru 
 a feller it cleans him completely out. It confis- 
 cates, eradicates, obliterates an conflusticates 
 everything. It's equal to your Abolishin Procly- 
 mashin an the Confiscashin Bill rolled into one." 
 Ses I, " Kernel, there's only one thing about it 
 that's wrong. Sometimes the sticks get twisted 
 together, or tangled up like the logs comin down 
 the river, in Maine in the spring of the year, and 
 it requires a purty hard jar to start 'em loose. 
 But," ses I, " there's no danger of it's killin any- 
 body, and there's no way for you to get rid of 
 that gripin but by takiu it." The Kernel looked 
 at it purty sharp, an ses he, " Majer, I can't stand 
 this innard arthquake much longer, an ef you say 
 that that rale fence will cure me, I'll swallow it 
 ef it takes the har off my hed." So I jest told 
 him to take it, an down he put it as easy as ef it 
 

MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 161 
 
 had ben geniwine Borbone. He hadn't had it 
 down but a little while before he began to get 
 wus. He walked the floor an groaned as ef he 
 was goin to die. Ses he, " Majer, this infernal 
 stuff will kill me, sure. I believe I've swallowed 
 a dose of pitchfork tines, or a half-pint of clarnin 
 needles. It reminds me of a story, Majer, but I 
 feel too bad to tell it. It's the very first time in 
 my life I was ever so far gone." I see at a glance 
 what was the matter. The sticks had got tangled 
 together, an lodged fast, an I knew there was no 
 time to be lost. So ses I, " Kernel, I kin cure 
 you. You jest cum here an sit down in this 
 cheer." He cum up, and wen he went to set 
 down, I jerked the cheer rite out from under him, 
 an down he cum kerslap on the floor. I tell you 
 it made the hull house shake ; but I knowed he 
 must get a good jar, or it was a gone case 
 with him. It made him see stars for a lit- 
 tle while, for the Kernel, you know, is long- 
 geared, an it was no jokin matter for him 
 to fall so far. But it was all over within a 
 minuet, an wen he got up he sed he felt like 
 another man: but, ses he, '• Major, that's what I 
 call goin to the bottom of a subject." " Wal v " 
 ses I, " Kernel, that's jest what you are tryiu to 
 do on the slavery questshin, an ef you don't see 
 stars on that before vou get thru with it, I'll 
 
162 LETTERS OP 
 
 wonder." Ses I, " Kernel, do you expect Dimmi- 
 crats are goin to support you on freein the nig- 
 gers ?" "Wal," ses he, " Majer, not the rale, 
 geniwine Dimmicrats ; but you see you've got a 
 grate lot of fellers in your party who call them- 
 selves Dimmicrats, who aint Dimmicrats at all. 
 You've had the offices in your party so long, that 
 you've naterally attracted a hull lot of chaps 
 who only want offices. These fellers have mostly 
 been the leaders of your party for years an years, 
 an now, wen we've got the offices, an there aint 
 scarcely a chance that the South will ever have 
 eny more to give 'em, they all cum to us, an 1 kin 
 get 'em at almost eny price, from a Brigadier- 
 Generalship down to a quarter of a dollar. I've 
 tried to git some geniwine Dimmicrats to mix in, 
 but you can't touch em." Ses I, " Kernel, I guess 
 you'll find that the grate bulk of the Dimmicrats 
 won't fite to free the niggers. They can't be sech 
 a pack of denied fools." " You've got too high 
 an opinion of your party, Majer," ses the Kernel. 
 <fc There's a grate menny more denied fools in it 
 than you've got eny idee of. You say they won't 
 fite to put down slavery. Didn't they say they 
 wouldn't fite to coerce the South ? And didn't 
 they do it? Didn't they say they would only de- 
 fend the Capital, and wouldn't invade Virginia, 
 and didn't they do it ?" 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 163 
 
 *< Yes," ses I, " Kernel, I must own that's the 
 truth; but," ses I, " they called God to witness 
 ef the war was ever made an anti-slavery war, 
 thc3 r would throw down their arms." " Yes," ses 
 he, " but don't they say now that they aint got 
 nothing to do with the policy of the government, 
 an that their only duty is to lite." "Wal," ses I, 
 " Kernel, sum of 'em have sed that, but it can't 
 be possibul that that's the gineral sentiment. Ef 
 they follow that principul, then ef you should pro- 
 claim yourself Emperor or King, an tell 'em to 
 fite to establish a monarchy, they would do that"" 
 " That's drivin your idees a little too far, Majer, 
 as you ginnerally do. But what do you think 
 about our goin up to the army an reviewin the 
 sojers, and seein whether I aint jest as popelar 
 as ever I was ?" " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I think 
 that that is a good idee, an I kin judge party nigh 
 how your Proclymashin sets on the stumacks of 
 the sojers from the way they cheer you. Ef thc\ 
 cheer as loud as they did wen they were down at. 
 Ilarrisin Landin, I shall be mistaken." So we 
 started off the next day for Ginneral McClellan's 
 head-quarters in a speshal train. First we went 
 to Ginncral Sumnure's head-quarters, and i 
 warn't long afore Ginncral Mc'Jlellan cum there, 
 too. There was sum talk about the Proclyma- 
 shin, an Liukin told the Ginncral that there were 
 
164 LETTERS OF 
 
 two great resins why he had made it. One wap 
 to stop furrin nashins from interferin, an thr 
 other was to make the rebils cum to terms. He 
 thought it would feteh 'em, sure. 
 
 Ginneral McClellan dicln' say a word, one way 
 nor tother, but looked oncommon solemn, aiid 
 axed the Kernel whether he didn't want to revew 
 the troops. I saw at once that the Ginneral didn't 
 like it, and that he wanted to turn the subject. 
 Then we started off and took a look at the troops 
 on Mcrryland Eights and Bollyvare Bights, and 
 all around Mr. Harper's ferry. Mr. Harper 
 wai-n't hum, and so we didn't see him, and the 
 ferry warn't in good order nether, the resen bein 
 that the rebils had been there and destroyed ecn- 
 amost everything. As we were goin along, ses I, 
 " Kernel, them cheers don't sound like they did 
 down on the Jeernes River." The Kernel didn't 
 say eny thing, but looked very serious. Wen Gin- 
 neral McClellan showed himself, you oughter have 
 heerd the sojers yell and scream, and wave their 
 hats. I never see the Kernel look so pale and 
 thin, and I couldn't get a word out of him. As 
 for miikin a speech, it warn't to be thought on. 
 After we got all done reviewin the sojers, the Ker- 
 nel and all hands of us come clown from the Hights, 
 and sot down near the road on an old wagin. Lin- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 165 
 
 kin told some stories to pass away the time., an 
 purty soon we went back to Ginncral Somnure's 
 head-quarters, where we staid all nite. The next 
 mornin we went to Ginneral McClcllan's head- 
 quarters, an then over the battle field of Aunty- 
 eatem. The next day we cum hum, both of us 
 purty nigh tired out. The Kernel pulled off his 
 boots as soon as he got in the house, as he almost 
 alius does, an I got out my pipe for a smoke. 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, what do you think of 
 your visit V 9 Ses he, " Majer, it's jest as you told 
 me. That Proclymashin of mine ain't popular, 
 and I knowecl it wouldn't be. But jest see how I 
 was situated. There was the Abolishin Guver- 
 nurs drivin me on one side, an ther was France an 
 England on the other side. What was I to do ? 
 I couldn't stand still. I couldn't go back. So I 
 had to " let her rip." I've ben poleing around, 
 IMajcr, ever sence I've been President, trying to 
 touch bottom, an I couldn't find it. Now I hope 
 I'll git it." " Yes," ses I, " Kernel, but may be 
 your pole warnt a constitutional pole. Ef it had 
 ben, you would hev found bottom long ago." 
 Ses I, " Depend on it, Kernel, there ain't no bot- 
 tom where you arc poleing, and cf you keep on 
 till doomsday, you won't find eny." 
 
 Ses I, " Kernel, don't you know that you said 
 
166 LETTERS OF 
 
 in your iuaugerole that you had no rite to inter- 
 fere with slavery, an that you didn't intend to ?" 
 Ses he, " Did I, Majer ? I've forgot all about 
 it. The truth is, Majer, when I look baek the 
 two years I've been President, it reminds me of a 
 story : — Old Bill Jones got drunk one election 
 day, out in lllinoy, an had a hand in several fites 
 before nite. The next day he was brought up be- 
 fore a Justess of the Peace, an the Justess inquir- 
 ed, "Mr. Jones, did you strike Tom Smith yester- 
 day ?" « Wal, I don't know, Judge," ses Bill, 
 " I was sloshin around considerabul, an can't ex- 
 zactly say what I did." - " Wal, Mr. Jones, did 
 you hit Jim Wattles ?" "Wal, now, Judge, I 
 can't be sartin ; the truth is, I was sloshin around 
 most of the day, I reckon." "Now, Mr. Jones, 
 tell me whether you struck Dick Robinson?" 
 " Can't say, Judge," replied Bill. " I believe, on 
 the hull, I was sloshin around about all day." 
 "Wal, Mr. Jones," said the Justess, "what do 
 you mean by 'sloshin around V " Wal, Judge," 
 said Bill, " sloshin around is jest going rite thru a 
 crowd, an mowin your swath, hitten rite an left 
 everybody you meet slap over the face an eyes." 
 Now, the truth is, Majer, I've been " sloshin 
 around" sence I've been President, hittin in the 
 dark, an not knowin exzacly where I struck. This 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 167 
 
 Proclymashin of mine is a hit in the dark, but as 
 I amthe first anti-shivery President, I've got to 
 mark out a new track, an hence do as old Bill 
 Jones did, keep " sloshin around." 
 
 " Wall," ses I, " Kernel, that's resky business, 
 an ef you don't ' slosh ' once too often, it will be 
 a wonder. Bat," ses I, « Kernel, Fine terribul 
 tired after this trip, an what do you say to haviu 
 a little old rye before we go to bed?" — " That's 
 jest what I was thinkin of, Majcr." The Kernel 
 then told the feller in bad close, who does chores 
 for us, to get us some, an we both tuk a good swig 
 of gene wine rye-juice, an went to bed. I was 
 eenamost tuckered out, but this mornin I feel 
 nigh about as good as ever agin. 
 Yours till deth, 
 
 Majer. Jack Downing. 
 
168 LETTERS OP 
 
 LETTER XIX. 
 
 The President Nervous — Tlie State Elections — Mr. Lincoln Aston- 
 ished — He Takes Cordial — Mr. Seward Tarns Democrat ~ The 
 Major Tells a Story — Mr. Seward and the Major Take a Drink 
 — How John Van Buren got Gen. ScoWs Letter — Mr. Sta?tt<m 
 on the Elections. 
 
 Washington, Oct. 20th, 1862. 
 To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : Wal, the Kernel has ben sick agin. It 
 is astonishin how iittel takes him down now-a-days. 
 His constitusbin seems to be eenamost clean gone. 
 Old rye don't do much good, an I've tried all 
 sorts of medicin, but nothin seems to work well. 
 This time his narves were terribly worked up, an 
 he was so fidgety, that I koncluded to try Godfrey's 
 Cordial. This cooled him down a doocl deal, and 
 but not until he tuk nigh unto four or five bottles 
 full. The cause of all this flutter was the recent 
 elecshins in Ohio, Indiany an Pennsylvany. The 
 Kernel had been told by Sumnure, Greeley an 
 Andrews that the only way to carry the elecshins 
 this fall, was to issoo an emancipashun proelama- 
 shun ; that if he didn't do it, the party would be 
 completely whipped out in every State. So ho 
 
MAJOR .JACK DOWNING. 1G9 
 
 koncluded to try it, but wen the returns cum in, 
 
 you never did see sucli a woe-begone lookin man. 
 
 One nite he heerd sum bad news from Ohio, an 
 
 gettin up in his nite gown, he cum to my room and 
 
 axed what I thought about it. I struck a lmmt an 
 
 got out my slate. The Kernel had Greeley's last 
 
 year's almanac in his hands. Ses lie, " Majer, 
 
 let's go down to the telegraf offis, and sec how the 
 
 majorities run, an we can be able to give a guess 
 
 that will cum as nigh to it as the jump of a rabbit." 
 
 So I jist put on my duds, an off we went. The 
 
 news cum in thick an fast, an as the feller at the 
 
 telegraf read off the figgers, I put 'em down on 
 
 my slate, an the Kernel compared them with his 
 
 own majorities in Greeley's primer. I see he was 
 
 turnin all sorts of colors, an finally," ses he, 
 
 " Majer, we are gone jist as kompletcly as if we 
 
 were up Salt River now, instead of bein here. File 
 
 jest like to swap places with sum hoss-jockey, an 
 
 go into the hoss contract line." Ses he, " Majer, 
 
 let's go hum. I've seen all of this elephant that 
 
 I want to." So he crammed his coat-tail pocket 
 
 full of despatches, an off we started. When he 
 
 got hum, ses he, " Majer, my administrashin is 
 
 the biggest failyure that ever tuk place in 
 
 the history of this or eny other country. I 
 
 now see that jest as plain as I see that bottle of 
 
 old rye there. I've listened to those infernal fools, 
 8 
 
170 LETTERS OP 
 
 Snmnure an Greeley, an a pretty scrape they have 
 got me in." 
 
 Ses I, " Kernel, it ain't my natur to hit a man 
 wen he is down, or to hurt anybody's feelins by 
 referrin to the past. " But," ses I, " don't you 
 rekollect the story about « applyin the princi- 
 ple?' " Ses he, " Yes, I do ; I recollect it well. 
 " Wal," ses I, " now see the result of ' applyin the 
 principle.' I told you then that you'd get scorched 
 was than Zenas Humspun did in meddlin with the 
 telegraf, if you undertook to carry out the princi- 
 ple of Abolishun, but you sed the thing must tech 
 the bottom, an you was bound to put it through. 
 Now, you see, the people don't support you. They 
 don't want niggers made equal to white men, nor 
 they don't want 'em freed to be a tax on 'em. A 
 few fellers like Greeley, whose brains all seem to 
 run to bran-bread, an free luv, or some other 
 moonstruck nonsense, an some larned fools like 
 Snmnure, want to try the experiment, but they 
 don't represent the people. So you see, Kernel, 
 that in applyin the principle you have kicked your- 
 self over, an I only menshin it to show you that if 
 he had followed my advice you would not have had 
 these grate defeats to mourn over." 
 
 The Kernel looked very solem, an ses lie, " Ma- 
 jer, I know I'd been a great deal better off if I'd 
 followed your advice all through these trubbils, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 171 
 
 but you see I had to go with my party, and if it 
 had carried me to the other side of Jordon, I 
 s'pose I should have gone with it." 
 
 That nite I thought the Kernel would go into 
 spasms, he was so nervous. I got some hot water, 
 an soaked his feet in it, rubbed his bowels 
 with brandy, an laid flannel on 'em, an bathed his 
 temples in camfire an rum. But he grew wus all 
 the time. Finally, I began to pore the Cordial 
 down him, an then he commenced to revive. But 
 he didn't sleep scacely a wink all nite. In the 
 mornin he was the most limpsy piece of mankind I 
 ever did see. I ralely believe he might have been 
 tied in a knot like an eel, he was so limber. 
 
 Jest a little while after breakfast, who should 
 come in but Seward? He hadn't hardly spoken to 
 me sence I blowed him for alterin the Kernel's 
 Constitushinal Teliskope, but this mornin he was 
 as perlite an as clever as he could be. Ses 
 he, " Majer, the elecshin news is good, an our 
 party is successful." Ses I, "Mr. Seward, I 
 don't understand you." " Why, Majer," ses he — ■ 
 and he put on one of the queerest smiles I ever sec 
 on a man's face — " don't you know I have turned 
 Dimmocrat ?" Ses I, " You don't say so." " Yes," 
 ses he, " I'm a Dimmocrat now, an no mistake." 
 The Kernel looked as if thunder had struck him. 
 " Wal," ses I, " Mr. Seward, that reminds me of 
 
172 LETTERS OP 
 
 a story, as the Kernel would say." " Wal," ses 
 he, " Majer, what is it? I always like to hear 
 your stories. They are so pat." " Wal," ses I, 
 " mebby this will turn out to be a little patter 
 than you like ; but, howsoever, as I never spile a 
 good story for acquaintance sake, I will tell it. 
 Once on a time, it is said, an old coon went out of 
 a night to get some fodder among the cornfields, 
 an did not return to his hole until near mornin. 
 Wen he got hum he saw a skunk had taken pos- 
 session of his hole. He went up, an ses he, 
 'Who's there?' The skunk replied, <A coon.' 
 6 Are you a coon V ' Yes,' said the skunk, 
 4 I'm a coon.' ' Wal,' sed the coon, « you don'< 
 look like a coon ; you don't act like a coon, and 
 I'll be darned ef you smell like a coon.' " 
 
 " Now," ses I, " Mr. Seward, you may be a Dim- 
 mocrat, but you don't look like one, nor act like 
 one, nor smell like one, an I'll be darned ef I be- 
 lieve you are one." 
 
 Ses he, " Majer, you are rather personal." 
 " Wal," ses I, " I don't mean any offence, an," ses 
 I, " if you really mean to be a Dimmocrat, let's 
 take a drink of old rye over the victories in Ohio, 
 Pennsylvany and Indiany." So he cum up an Ave 
 both took a good swig of wiskey. The Kernel 
 looked at us an grit his teeth. " Wal," ses he, 
 ef you are goin to rejoice in my defeat, I'll go over 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 173 
 
 an call on Stan (in, an see ef he can't cheer me up." 
 So the Kernel went off. After he'd gone, Seward 
 an I tuk another nip of the old rye, an purty soon 
 we tasted of it agin. The Seckretary is a capital 
 drinker, an he knows what good licker is as well 
 as eny feller I ever see. Finally he got in a very 
 good hmner, an ses he, "Majer, we've been bad 
 friends long enough." So he actually hugged me, 
 and sed there warn't a man that ever lived that he 
 loved so much as the old Ginneral, an next to him 
 his friend Majer Downing. Wen I thought I'd got 
 him in a good humer an be was very talkative, ses 
 I, " Mr. Seckretary, kin you tell me how John 
 Van Buren got that letter of Ginneral Scott's?" 
 Ses he, " Yes, Majer, I kin. You know I don't 
 want that feller Wadswurth elected, for he's my 
 bitter political inemy ; so the way the letter got 
 out was this : — -Weed, you know, is my chum. 
 Now, we have an understandin that everything 
 that I can't tell him I put in my right hand coat- 
 tail pocket. You see then I can deny that 1 made 
 it public. That pocket is Weed's pocket, an he 
 always goes to it for secrets. Wal, I put the let- 
 ter in that pocket, an Weed got it from there. 
 Weed also has just such a pocket. All smart pol- 
 itishins have such a pocket. Now, Weed's chum 
 is Ben Welch, Commissary Ginneral, an Ben got 
 it out of Weed's pocket. Now, John has long 
 
174 LETTERS OF 
 
 been a chum of Ben's, an he got it out of Ben's 
 pocket. That's the way that this letter got out, 
 that there is so much mystery about. 
 
 Rite off after this the Kernel came in, an we 
 had to drop the conversashin, for Seward gave me 
 the wink as much as to say that he didn't want 
 Linkin to know everything about it. 
 
 Then I asked the Kernel what Stantin sed. He 
 sed Stantin was in favor of issooing a proclama- 
 shin, over the grate victories of the Administra- 
 shin in Ohio, Indiany, Pennsylvany an Iway. He 
 sed the people didn't put any faith in newspapers 
 any more, an a proclamashin declarin that the 
 elecshins had all gone favorabul would be believed 
 without winkin. Stantin thinks there ain't no thin 
 so powerful as a proclamashin. Seward said afore 
 it was done, the Cabby net had better be called to- 
 gether. Here the matter dropped, an as the Ker- 
 nel looked uncommon blue, I left him to his own 
 reflecshins, an went up-stairs to my room. 
 Yours till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 175 
 
 LETTER XX. 
 
 The New York Election — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story — Cannot Do 
 Justice to the Subject — Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad — The Major 
 Amuses him by a Joke — How to get up a Message — Keeping a 
 Party Together — Tli j - Excelsior Political Prepared Glue — The 
 Different Stripes of Abolitionists — Boating on, the Mississippi 
 River — Poleing Along. 
 
 Washington, Nov. 10th, 1862. 
 To the Ed iters of the Cawcashin ; 
 
 I expect you were very much surprised in not 
 gettin a letter from me last week, but the truth 
 is, I got one partly writ jest as the news of the 
 elecshins in New York an Jersey cum in, an I 
 should have finished it an sent it on ef the Ker- 
 nel had not been taken down sick so sudden. 
 Wen the rumor fust cum that York city had gone 
 over thirty thousand for Seemore, an that Fernan- 
 dow an Ben. Wood an Jeemes Brooks had been 
 elected to Congriss, the Kernel didn't say a word, 
 but looked as ef he'd drop down thru the 
 floor. I didn't like to speak fust, but I see the 
 Kernel warn't going to, an so scs I, " How do 
 you feel, Mr. Presidint ?" " Wal," ses he, " Ma- 
 jer, I'll tell you a story. A good meny years ago 
 
176 LETTERS OF 
 
 there lived in lower Kentuck an old feller named 
 Josh Miller. Now, it was generally reckoned in 
 that part of the country that old Josh could out- 
 swear eny feller that ever lived. Josh was a kind 
 of gineral teamster, an had a two-hoss wagou with 
 which he did chores for everybody round the vil- 
 lage. One day he had on a load of ashes, an was 
 goin up a steep hill, sittin on the fore part of his 
 wagon. Wen about half way up the hind-board 
 of his wagon cum out, an old Josh not lookin 
 round, nigh about all the ashes jarred out, so wen 
 he got to the top of the hill he didn't have a pan 
 full left. He stopped his hosses, however, an got 
 out, an a hull lot of fellers, who knew the ability 
 of old Josh in the swearin line, gathered around 
 expecting to here the tallest kind of strong words. 
 The old feller looked fust at his wagou an then at 
 the ashes all strewed along the road, an finally 
 ses he, 'Boys, there's no use in tryin — I cant do 
 jestice to the subject.' An now, Majer," ses the 
 Kernel, " That jest my condition now — I can't do 
 jestice to the subject, an I don't feel like talkin ; 
 in fact, I can't talk." 
 
 I see the Kernel felt very baxl, an ef he couldn't 
 talk nor tell stories, I didn't know wat on arth 
 might happen. I was afeered he would get so full 
 that sumthin like the dropsy would set in. An 
 sure enufj that nite not a word did he speak, nor 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 177 
 
 a story did he tell. The consekence was, lie be- 
 gan to swell an bloat like a mad porkepine. I 
 see at once that I must turn doctor agin, or there 
 was no tellin how soon he might kick the bucket. 
 He was growin wus fast, actually beginnin to look 
 blue. So ses I, tc Kernel, there's no help for it : 
 yon must be tapped !" " Tapped !" ses he, " Majer, 
 tapped ! There warn't enything ever tapped in my 
 house that lasted more that a week. Oh no ! I 
 ain't recldy to die yet." I see the " rulin pashin 
 was strong in deth," jest as the poet's say ; but as 
 soon as I got a joke out of him, I knew that he 
 would survive. So thinks I to myself, I'll see ef I 
 can fetch him to by another joke ; so ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, suppose ' tappin ' should kill you, you would go 
 to a world of spirits /" 
 
 Wen I said this, he jumped rite up out of his 
 chair, laughin, an takin me by the hand, ses he, 
 " Majer, you arc the best frend I've got. Wen I'm 
 sick you doctor me, an wen I'm down spereted you 
 jest joke me rite out of the dumps." Ses he, " Ma- 
 jer, I've a good mind to make you Commander-in- 
 Cheef of the Army." " No, no," ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, don't do that, for I should think you had sum- 
 thin agin me, an wanted to hand me over to the 
 Abolishinists to be punished!" 
 
 The Kernel and I have also been bizzy sence 
 I wrote you last in getting up the next mes- 
 8* 
 
178 LETTERS OF 
 
 sage. He has been ritin his ideas on little 
 slips of paper about two inches wide, as they have 
 happened to pop in his head, an then submitten 
 'em to me to sort of polish up. The Kernel ses 
 that ritin a message is a good deal like gettin out 
 timber for a barn in the woods. Fust, you want 
 the sills, then the posts, then the girders, then the 
 plates, an finally the rafters. We ain't got the 
 sills fairly hewed out and squared yit. The truth 
 is, the Kernel is kinder worried as to how exactly 
 to lay the founclashin. Wilson, who is now here, 
 ses the sills must be of Abolishin timber, and no 
 mistake. I tolled the Kernel that sich stuff was 
 the poorest kind of bass-wood, an wouldn't stand 
 nohow. Then he thought of puttin in a mixture 
 of Abolishin timber an sum constitutional saw- 
 logs, but I telled him that that would make it 
 so cross-grained that it wouldn't bear eny weight 
 at all, an by the time we got the rafters on it 
 would all smash down in a pile. " Wal," ses he, 
 " Major, I must do sumthin to keep my party to- 
 gether. I must contrive sum sort of a mixture 
 that won't look too much Abolishin, an yet that 
 won't drive off the old, genewine friends of free- 
 freedom." "Wal," ses I, "I don't think your 
 party kin hold together much longer, enyhow. It 
 seems to me it is mity nigh now fallen to pieces, an it 
 won t take much longer to knock it into so mcnny 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 179 
 
 pieces that you can't no more putty 'em together 
 than you can find the tail of a rainbow." 
 
 ' ; Wal," ses the Kernel, " Major, don't you think 
 I've done well in kecpin it together as long as I 
 have ?" Ses I, « Yes, Kernel, ef there's a feller 
 in this country that ought to git out a patent for 
 ' Excelsior Political Prepared Glue,' it is you. 
 You've kept together the most cross-grained, 
 knotty, knerly lot of political timber that ever 
 was made up into eny political party." Ses I, 
 there's the Greeley stripe. Now, it's enuf to give 
 any party the dyspepsy to have such a set of bran- 
 bread, free-luv, long-haired set of fellers in it. 
 An ther's Gerrit Smith an his stripe, a kind of 
 maroon-colored, mongrel breed of politicians, sum- 
 thin like a cross between a Jamacy nigger an an 
 Esquimaw ; an then ther's Wendell Phillips an 
 old Garrison, sort of Abolishin alligators; an 
 lineally you've got a sort of half-an-half fellers 
 in your party who try to be conservative, who 
 quote Blackstun and the law dicschinnaries, an set 
 great stress upon being very moderate. Now, 
 how you've contrived, Kernel, to keep all these 
 different ingredients together is a mystery." 
 " Wal, Major, ef I hadn't larn't sum thin about 
 boatin on the Mississippi River, wen I was young, 
 I don't believe I would over have been able to 
 steer the ship of State at all." "Why," ses I, 
 
180 LETTERS OF 
 
 "how is that?" " Wal," ses he, "goin up the 
 Mississippi River is a good deal like being Presi- 
 ding Sumtimes you have to go one way and sum- 
 times another. Sumtimes you go slam rite in one 
 bank an sumtimes in t'other, and then it ain't at 
 all oncommon to get on a sand-bar, an lay there 
 no one can tell how long. Now, Majer, that's a 
 good deal like being Presidint, an you see I've 
 kept my party together by jest goin first one way 
 an then t'other. Wen the Abolishin tide cum along 
 strong, Fde jest let the vessel foller the current, 
 go with it, an wen she struck the other shore, of 
 course, it would take another tack. Sumtimes, 
 when all hands got a quarrelin, I jest let her rip 
 rite on a sand-bar, and there let her lay until I 
 made 'em settle their disputes. But, I tell you, 
 Majer, there's one that has been the best of all to 
 keep my party together. Wen they've got purty 
 mutinous, I've threatened to discharge all hands 
 an get a new set. Then you ought to see how soon 
 they stop quarrelin. Ther's nothin they so much 
 dred as to lose the offices. Take away the cow 
 that gives the milk, an they would all blat jest 
 like weaned calves. So wen I stop the ship an 
 tell them that I'm goin to clear the deck an put on 
 a new crew, I tell you they are as whist as mice. 
 So you see, I go poleing along. First this way, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 181 
 
 thra tbat, jest like goin up the Mississippi River, 
 ibi- all the world." 
 
 kt Wal, "ses I, " Kernel, that seems to me a 
 rather ^ ap-hazard, no-policy way of hein Presiclint. 
 It ajii'/ statesmanlike." " Wal, Majer, mebby it 
 is sivV/vebbv it ain't : but I'm a*oin to make things 
 shakd /.oiv, sence the elecshins are over. Things 
 have got to be more lively." 
 
 I didn't say nothin, for I seo the Kernel was 
 gcttin his back up. At last, ses I, " Kernel, have 
 you tried eny of that old rye lately ?" Ses he, 
 " No, Majer, I ain 1 t, but I feel like wettin my 
 gills to-nite. How do you feel ?" " Wal," ses I, 
 " Kernel, a little good whiskey never goes agin 
 the grain." At that the Kernel sent for the feller 
 who does chores, an we both took a swig. Wen I 
 thought he. was in party good humor, ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, why did you remove McClellin ?" Ses he, 
 " Majer, I can't tell you now, but jest recollect my 
 story about ' polein around,' an gettin in 'Abolishin 
 currents,' an you kin guess." I sed nothin, for I 
 see the Kernel was very mum, so I bid him good- 
 nite, and slept as sound on that old rye as I ever 
 did wen I was a boy. The Kernel is famous for 
 good whiskey, anyhow. 
 
 Yours, till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
182 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER XXI. 
 
 Tlie Message — A Cabinet Council — Speeches of Scivard, Chase, 
 Stanton, Welles, Blair and Bates — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story 
 — The Major Gives His Opinion — Mr. Chase Accuses Him of 
 Disloyalty — The Major Demands a Retraction — It is Given. 
 
 Washington, Nov. 22, 1882. 
 To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — Wal, the messige ain't done yet. The 
 Kernel keeps tinkerin at it a little every day. 
 I tell him he is jest like a cooper hammerin at a 
 barrel. He keeps poimdin away, an when he 
 gits thru, lie is rite around jest where he started 
 from. The other clay I telled the Kernel that it 
 mite hurry up matters by havin a Cabinet Coun- 
 cil, and perhaps by gettin all heels together we 
 mite git the messige in sum sort of shape. Con- 
 gress would meet afore long, an there was no time 
 to loose. The Kernel sed he thought that would 
 be a good idee, an so one was called. The Ker- 
 nel insisted that I should be present, though I 
 didn't much want to be, sence I knew how Seward 
 was trying to play the conservative and turn Dim- 
 mycrat. Howsoever, I determined to go but to 
 say nothin. The Kernel opened the ball by tellin 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 183 
 
 all bands how that he an the Majer had been to 
 work at the mcssige for some weeks, off an on, 
 like farmers sortin their corn, but they couldn't 
 git the docyment into ship-shape exactly, an hence 
 he had called 'em together to hear their opinions 
 on the subject, an to larn how each department, 
 stood. He seel he wanted to tech on all subjects, 
 an fust he would ask Mr. Seward about our furrin 
 affairs. Seward got up, lookin very pale, an the 
 fust thing he sed was, that he believed Seemore 
 was elected Guvernor of New York. Mr. Chase 
 wanted to know " what that had to do with for- 
 eign affairs, but," ses he, an here the looked very 
 knowin, " perhaps Mr. Seward kin tell how See- 
 more cum to be elected ?" At this Seward brushed 
 up an asked him " what he meant?" " Wal," ses 
 he, "I mean jest this, that if you an Weed had 
 not thrown cold water on Wadsworth, Seemore 
 would never have been elected." " That's false," 
 ses Seward, an Chase jumped up as if lie was goin 
 to do sumtbin, but the Kernel at once interfered, 
 an sed that he didn't send for 'em to quarr 1 about 
 the elecshins, which were bad enough, LoiV, knows, 
 but he wanted to know how the furrin affairs 
 stood. Seward sed, " that, comin to the \ int. fur- 
 rin affairs never looked better. We were at 
 peace with all the world, an he didn't doubt but 
 with the aid of his friend Weed, and a liberal use 
 
184 LETTERS OF 
 
 of secret service money, he would be able to keep 
 the peaee. He' sed it looked now as if, in sixty 
 days, that all idee of furrin inter venshin for the 
 rebils would be given up, an then the rebelyun 
 would be smashed at once." 
 
 Then the Kernel asked Mr. Chase how the finan- 
 cies stood. Wal, Chase sed that everything 
 was working splendid ; that only the other day he 
 got a loan in Wall street above par ; that every- 
 thing was risin in. price, an that the people was 
 tickled to dcth with the good-lookin notes he got 
 out ; that they liked 'cm so well, an they were so 
 much handier than gold an silver, that they didn't 
 use enything else lately. He sed he thought he 
 was going to be set "down as the greatest financier 
 since the days of Liecurgus, who made money out 
 of iron, an thus made all the people rich at once. 
 He said that he would make 'em all rich, ef paper 
 didn't get too high, an there was some danger of 
 it, as the pesky rebils had all the cotton to make 
 it of. Jest get that, an he would snap his fingers 
 at the hull world. 
 
 Then Stantin got up. He sed everything was 
 now progressin finely sence the Ralerode Sooper- 
 intendent had been discharged. He didn't doubt 
 but Burnside would be in Richmond by the time 
 Congress met, an he thought it was so sure, that 
 he advised Linkin to put it in his Message at once. 
 
MAJOr JACK DOWNING. 185 
 
 He sed his idee was, as soon as Richmond was 
 taken, to issoo a proclamashin appointing a day of 
 thanksgiv'n an prayer for our victory over the 
 rebils. He sed, ef his plans had been followed, 
 we would have been in the rebil Capital long ago, 
 but it was all rite now, and no one need have eny 
 fears. 
 
 Then grandfather Welles spoke. He sed Mr. 
 Stantin seemed to think that the army was goin 
 to do all, but he could tell him that he would find 
 that his gunboats were to play a big part. He 
 had been all summer buildin a hull lot of iron- 
 plated monsters, an ef the war didn't cum to an 
 end too soon, they would make the fur fly. At all 
 events, they would be reddy to celebrate peace, 
 which would be somethin. For his part, he didn't 
 think the war was nigh ended ; yet in fact, he 
 didn't see how it could end until all the contracts 
 were finished. It would'nt do to disappint so 
 many good members of the party, who hadn't yet 
 had their turn buyin vessels on commission, or 
 makin gunboats. 
 
 Then Mr. Blair got up, lookin as if lie thought 
 that wisdom would surely die when he did. He 
 sed he reckoned that the country was safe. He 
 sed he had kept a pretty close watch on the news- 
 papers to see ef eny of them opposed the war or 
 advocated slavery. He thought that the people 
 
186 LETTERS OP 
 
 never had had sich advantages in the Post-Office 
 as they had had senee he was Postmaster-Gineral. 
 The people, he sed, used to have to pick out the 
 papers they wanted to take themselves, now he did 
 it for 'em. He sed he thought he knew best, too, 
 what was good for them, for his father was an edi- 
 tor a good meny years, an when he needed infor- 
 mashin he allers called on the old man! When 
 Blair sot down, the Kernel called upon Mr. Bates, 
 but he had gone to sleep, so they skipped him and 
 called upon Mr. Smith. He sed that the interior 
 department was in a flourishin condishin, but he 
 heel lately heered that the loco focos had agin car- 
 ried Indianny, and it had so worried him as to 
 give him the tooth-ache. Ef they wanted to know 
 any thin more about this department, he would ask 
 his chief dark. Here the Kernel asked Seward 
 ef he wouldn't wake up Mr. Bates. Seward jest 
 walked up, tuk his finger and thumb and pinched 
 the old man's nose. As he was breath in very 
 hard thru it, he jumped up as ef he had ben prick- 
 ed with a pin. Sos he, " have the rebils took 
 Saint Lewis?" Seward telled him that this was a 
 Cabbynet Council. " Aye," ses ho, ;; what's up V* 
 " Wal," ses Linkin, "we want to know the con- 
 dishin of your, department?" Ses he, Ci I ain't a 
 military Ginncral, an ain't got command of no de- 
 partment!" The old man warn't fairly awake 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 187 
 
 yet ; ses Seward, ses he, " I guess I'll have to give 
 him another pinch." < ? Now," ses the Kernel, 
 " that reminds me of a story. An old Dominy 
 clown in Connecticut used to have a very sleepy 
 congregashin. One day, wen a good many were 
 asleep, he stopped rite in the middle of his sermon, 
 and called out, ; Deacon Giles, sing the 119th 
 Psalm, to the tune of Old Hundred.' The Deacon 
 commenced and sung one verse. Wen he got thru, 
 the Dominy yelled out at the top of his voice, ' sing 
 another varse, Deacon ; they ain't all awake yit.' " 
 Wile all hands were laughing at the Kernel's story, 
 Mr. Bates got putty wide awake, and sed that his 
 business had got sorter mixed up with Stantin's, and 
 in fact there warnt any courts or judges or juries 
 now, an mity little need of Atturny Ginnerals — 
 the Ginnerals were all of another kind. He sed 
 wen the war was over he meant to write out a le- 
 gal opinion agin it, but he was afeered it wouldn'i 
 be loyal to do it now, and so he spent most of hi: 
 time in reading a bound volume of the Christiax 
 Almanac, which he had for fifty years back. He- 
 thought the country was in a very prosperous con- 
 dishin, for he drew his salary regular. 
 
 After he got thru, the Kernel called on mo tc 
 make sum remarks, but I tolled him " I didn'1 
 cum there to say enything, but only to listen, an 
 to see ef I could lam enough of what was goin <m 
 
188 LETTERS OF 
 
 to complete the message." They all set in then, 
 especially Seward, an seel I must give my im- 
 preshins, ef nothin more. " Wal," I telled 'em, 
 " ef I seel eny thing I should be jest as blunt as a 
 pump-handle, an they mustn't take no offence; an 
 that so far as I was consarned, I might jest as well 
 go to a singin school to larn to dance as to have 
 cum here to find en v thins; about the state of the 
 country. Every one of 'em seemed to be thinkin 
 about himself, an nothin about the country. Be- 
 cause they drew their salary regularly, an had 
 enough to eat and drink, they thought noboetywas 
 hurt. I telled 'em that I guessed they all had on 
 " Glorification Spectacles," an that everything was 
 magnified to 'em. Then I sed that jest what the 
 Kernel wanted to know to put in his message was, 
 how many sojers we had, an how much they were 
 costin ; an how many sailyurs we had, an how 
 many ships, an how much they cost. Then I telled 
 'em that the people would like to know how many 
 poor fellers had lost their lives sence the war be- 
 gun ; how many had been crippled, &c, &c; an 
 how much the debt would be alter we all got thru'; 
 an finally, what great good we had got by it all. 
 Here Chase spoke up. Scs he, " We'll establish 
 freedom an restore the Union." " Wal," ses I, 
 4 s ef you want four millions of niggers to take keer 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 169 
 
 of, you're welcome to 'em, but as for restorin the 
 Union by war, so far it's jest been like climbin a 
 greased pole ; as fast as you climb up you slip 
 back, an," ses I, " it will be so to the cend of the 
 chapter, unless I'me mistaken." Ses Chase, ses he, 
 "The Majer is disloyal." Wen he sed that I 
 jumped rite up with my hickory, an ses I, " Ain't 
 your name Salmon?" Ses he, "Yes." " Wal," 
 ses J, " it won't be long if you don't take that 
 back." I never see a feller look so scart. Ses 
 he, " Majer, I didn't mean eriy offence, an so I'll 
 take it back, for I think you mean well." I telled 
 him " that I didn't allow enybody to say or to in- 
 timate that I warnt a friend to the Constitushin 
 and the Union." 
 
 The Kernel here spoke an sed that his Cabbynet 
 was a good deal like old Josh Pendleton's boys 
 out in lower Ulinoy. They allers cum hum every 
 New Years to see the old man an have a talk of 
 old times, but afore they got thru they allers had 
 a regular fite. So he thought he'd adjurn the 
 Cabbynet for fear there would be a scrimmage 
 here. 
 
 Then they all took their departure, an the mes- 
 sige ain't no nearer done than ever. The Kernel 
 an I have set up nite after nite, an drank old rye, 
 but it is no use, we can't get it in ship-shape form. 
 
190 LETTERS OF 
 
 The Kernel ses he guesses he will jest get the mes- 
 sige out in rough and send it into Congris, an let 
 Sumnure, Chandler, Lovejoy an Thad Stevens lick 
 it into shape. 
 
 Yourn till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 191 
 
 LETTER X XII. 
 
 The Message Finished — Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical — 
 TJie Major's Excuse — Mr. Svmner Finds Fault with the 
 Major's Spelling — 1 he Major Stumps Him — He Gives His 
 Views on " EdicatiorC — Mr. Lincoln Proposes a Connundrum 
 — The Major Tells a Story — Mr. Seward's Opinion on the 
 War. 
 
 Washington, Dec. 6th, 1862. 
 To the Eliters of the Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — Wal, I'm glad to say that Congriss has 
 got together, an the Messige has been red an di- 
 gested. He wouldn't let Seward or Chase have 
 enything to do with it, but he jest mauled it all 
 out himself. The next day arter the Messige was 
 sent in, Sumnure cum in an sed the Messige warn't 
 exactly grammatikal in all its parts. I tolled him 
 that " I guessed ef he had to work around short 
 corners as the Kernel did, without gettin tripped 
 up, he would find it mity hard work to get every- 
 thing jest according to grammer." I telled him 
 " grammer warn't of eny ackount wile the re- 
 bellyun lasted — that, like the Constitushin, the 
 grammer was suspended, or locked up where habus 
 korpus couldn't get at it. In fact," scs I, " Mr. 
 
192 LETTERS OF 
 
 Sumnure, I think that eny man who talks about its 
 bein necessary to obsarve the laws of grammer, or 
 any other laws, wen a nashin is in a deth struggle 
 with traiturs, is a disloyal person, an orter to be 
 sent to Fort La Ficit." Wen I sed this, Sumnure 
 turned all sorts of colors, an ses he, is Wal, Ma- 
 jer, perhaps you're rite about grammer ; but J 
 think you orter spell the President's name rite in 
 your letters. It's a disrespect to the Cheef Maj- 
 estrate not to do it." " Wal," ses I. " Mr. Sum- 
 nure, I've got my own idees on spellin. Spellin 
 is a good deel like sparkin the gals — it's jest as a 
 feller takes a noshin. My idee is, ef I spell a 
 word so as to git its sound, I'm rite, an I don't 
 keer wat you say, it's the only rule of spellin that 
 holds good in the long run. Now," ses I, " ef 
 L-i-n-k-i-n don't spell Linkin, what on arth does 
 it spell ?" That seemed to stump him. " But," 
 ses he, " Major, there's some ginncral rules that 
 orter be observed — rules that the schools all use." 
 " Wal," ses I, "I don't know much about schools, 
 an I guess the Kernel don't nether. I went to 
 school six weeks, an the Kernel ses he went six 
 months. School larnin is mity poor truck to put 
 into a feller's heel onless he's got a good deal of 
 brains there. There's more edicated fools now 
 in the world than there are fools of eny other, 
 kind, an there's a great mennv of them, Lord 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 193 
 
 knows. And," ses I, " it's those edicated fools 
 that make all the trnbbil." 
 
 " Why, Majer," ses he, " you ain't an enemy to 
 edication, I hope." 
 
 " Wal, no, Mr. Senator, I ain't no enemy to ed- 
 ication; I only hate edicated fools." — 
 
 Ses he, " Majer 3 what do you mean by edicated 
 fools ?" 
 
 '* Wal," ses I, " wen I was a boy, an went to 
 school the six weeks I speak of, there was a boy 
 in my class who could beat me a spellin an readin, 
 an in eenamost everything-, but I could lick him 
 jest as easy as I could whistle. He hadn't eny 
 more spunk, or pluck, or courage than a sick kit- 
 ten, an mighty little genewine common sense. His 
 father, however, sent him to college, an the fust 
 thing I heerd of him, the papers were callin him 
 a larncd man, an he ain't done eny thing ever 
 sence but to blab at Abolishin meetins an make 
 Abolishin speeches. Now, " ses I, " that's wat 
 I call an edicated fool. Jest like the lamed pig, 
 he can do wat he larns to do or sees done; but as 
 for real common sense to tell wether a thing is 
 rite or rong, he ain't worth eny more for it than a 
 bull-dog is to catch rats." 
 
 Sumnure looked kinder streaked wen I scd this, 
 but I didn't say a word, an jest here the Kernel, 
 who had bee^i down stairs to get his boot-jack, 
 9 
 
194 LETTERS OF 
 
 cum in. Ses he, " Good mortrin, Mr. Sumnure. 
 I'll bet you one of Chase's green-backs," ses he, 
 " that you can't tell why this boot-jack is like an 
 offis-seeker." Sumnure seel he couldn't. "WaL" 
 ses the Kernel, " because it sticks close to the 
 heels of the Presidint." 
 
 I telled the Kernel how that Sumnure sed that 
 the Messige warn't grammatikal. " Wal,"ses he, 
 " I beleeve everything goes rong sence I became 
 Presidint. The country is upside down ; the nig- 
 gers are more trubbul than ever before ; the white 
 men are cuttin one another's throats, an it seems 
 as if Bedlam was let loose ; an now the grammer 
 has been violated, they say. " Wal, I wonder 
 wat on arth I am fit for. I never succeeded well 
 in flat-botein ; I allers had poor craps wen I tried 
 to be a farmer ; I was too tall to split rails han- 
 dy ; and, as a lawyer, I warn't eny thing more than 
 from poor to middlin. Ef I can't be Presidint, I 
 don't see wat on arth I was made for." 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, perhaps you are like 
 the old Quaker's dog." Ses he, " How was that, 
 Majcr ?" « Wal," ses I, I'll tell you the story. 
 Up in Maine, not far from Downingville, there 
 used to live an old Quaker named Hezckiah Pea- 
 body. He had a yaller dog that was alius loungin 
 around the house. One day Sol. Hopkins, a rough 
 old feller, cum along, an ses he, ' Mr. Peabody, I 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 195 
 
 want a dog to hunt foxes ? Do you think your 
 dog is good for foxes?' 'Now,' ses the Quaker, 
 4 neighbor Solomon, I never tried the dog on 
 foxes for the huntin of any animals is not my 
 business ; but if thee wishes a dog for foxes, 
 accordin to the Scripters, this dog must be a good 
 dog for foxes.' ' Wal, will you warrant him 
 a good dog for foxes V « I cannot do that, neigh- 
 bor Solomon, for I never tried him on foxes ; but, 
 accordin to the Scripters, thee can be sure the dog 
 is good for foxes.' So old Sol, thinkin that Scrip- 
 ter proof must be good, give the Quaker five dol- 
 lars for the dog. He took him hum, an the next 
 day he saw a fox runnin across one of his lots. 
 So he called the dog an showed him the fox, but 
 he wouldn't stir an inch after him. This made 
 old Sol terribul mad, an the next day he took the 
 dog back to the Quaker, an ses he, in his rough 
 way : ' Mr. Peabody, this dog is not worth a 
 dam !' « Tut, tut, neighbor Solomon, thee shouldn't 
 speak profanely with thy lips.' ' That may be,' ses 
 old Sol, ' but didn't you tell me that this dog was 
 good for foxes.' 6 No, neighbor Solomon, I think 
 not. I said accordin to Scripters he must be good 
 for foxes.' i Wal,' ses old Sol, s how do you make 
 that out V ' Wal, neighbor, the Scripters say, 
 4 that there is nothin made in vain," an as I had 
 'ried that dog on everything else except fox-hunt in, I 
 
1 06 LETTERS OF 
 
 thought that that must be what he was made for P 
 Now," ses I, " Kernel, I hope it won't turn out 
 that you are like. the old Quaker's dog, ' made in 
 vain,' or, as old Sol. Hopkins expressed it, ' not 
 worth a d — !' but," ses I, ef you don't restore 
 this Union before your term expires, the people 
 will think that you were a good deal worse than 
 the Quaker's dog, for if lie warn't good for eny- 
 thing, he didn't do any particular harm." 
 
 The Kernel didn't seem to like this story much, 
 for ses he, " Majer, I think you are getin kinder 
 personel." Ses I, " No, Kernel ; I don't mean to 
 be, but you know stories sometimes will fit closer 
 than you think for when you begin to tell 'em." 
 
 Jest here Seward cum in, an with his church- 
 yard smile, ses he, " Good mornia, Mr. President. 
 I've got good news from England. There won't 
 be any intervenshin now, an the rcbellyun Avill all 
 be over in 60 days. My friend Weed thinks so, 
 too." 
 
 "What's up, Boss?" ses Linkin. That's the 
 name he calls Seward by. " Oh," ses he, rubbin 
 his hands, " don't you see by the papers what a 
 large amount of money the merchants in York are 
 subscribin for the poor, patient, starving English 
 workmen. God bless 'em." Here Seward drew 
 a deep sigh, and then ses he, "It will produce such 
 a good effect in England ! Intervenshin is dead. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 197 
 
 The rebellyun is crushed, an all by this grand an 
 noble idee of mine to feed the starvin poor. 
 What filanthropy will do, when it is done right!" 
 An here Seward commenced rabbin his hands an 
 walkin about the room, an actin like a gal that is 
 jest goin to get married. I didn't say enything, 
 an the Kernel didn't say enything either, an it 
 warn't a minut afore Seward dodged out of the 
 door as quick as he cum in. After he heel gone, 
 ses I, " Kernel, how many times has Seward hed 
 the rebellyun suppressed ?" " Oh," ses he, " he 
 goes to sleep every night with the sartin belief 
 that the Union will be restored by daylight ; that 
 Jeff Davis will be hanging on a sour apple tree by 
 noon, an that he will be elected next President by 
 sundown." " Wal," ses I. •« Kernel t I think 
 you've got a queer cabinet." kC Yes," ses he, 
 " that I have. Seward thinks that his ritin letters 
 to Europe is goin to overthrow the rebellyun. 
 Chase thinks ic can't be done, except by his green- 
 backs an freein the niggers. Old grandfather 
 Welles is sure that there is nothin will restore the 
 Union except his gunboats ; while Blair feels sure 
 that he kin do it by stoppin Dimmecratic papers !" 
 Ses I, " Why don't you change 'em ?" " Wal," 
 ses he, "what's the use of swappin jackets? 
 There ain't nothin to be made by it. No, I won't 
 change my Cabynct onless I'm druv to it. It's 
 
198 LETTERS OF 
 
 bad enough now, but Lord only knows what it 
 might be ef I ondertake to change it." 
 
 I was in hopes I could induce Linkin to put in 
 some new men, an get out Chase, Seward, Stantin 
 an Blair. But it's no use. So we shall jog along- 
 after the old fashion. Where we shall be in the 
 spring no one kin tell. Congriss has gone to work 
 n arnest to fix up the financies, an to take keer 
 that the Dimmecrats don't sue Linkin for suspendin 
 the habus korpus. The filanthropists are also 
 bizzy, an they are goin to give all the niggers here 
 a Christmas dinner, which, I suppose, is expected 
 to last 'em the year round. Eatin like a Turk one 
 day an starvin 364, is, accordm to my idees, a 
 poor way of livin. 
 
 Yours, till deth, 
 
 Major Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 199 
 
 LETTER XXIII. 
 
 TJie Major Goes to See the Postmaster- General about Stopping 
 Papers — Mr. Blair Promises to Release Tliem — The Presi- 
 dent Again in Trouhle — A Change in the Cabinet Demanded 
 — The Major Suggests a Remedy for " the Crysis." 
 
 Washington, Dec. 20, 18G2. 
 To the Ed iters of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs: — Wal, ef I ain't been bizzy sence I writ 
 you last, I wouldn't say so. I got your letter 
 about seein Blair on the questshin of senclin The 
 Cawcashin in the mails, an I hadn't eny doubt 
 but he would do it as soon as I put the subjec to 
 him in the rite light. Blair's father, "Parson 
 Blair," as he used to be called in the old GinneraFs 
 time, an I used to be very thick. He helped me 
 sifer a good deal wen I was postin the Ginneral 
 up about Biddlc's Bank matters. But I hadn't 
 seen the old man for a long time ontel I called on 
 him tother day. He was dredful glad to see me, 
 an shuck my hand as ef he thought there warn't 
 no feelin in it. Ses he, " Majer, it's a long time 
 sence we've met, an I know you are a loyal man, 
 for there ain't no follercr of Ginneral Jackson 
 
200 LETTERS OF 
 
 that could be enything else." Ses I, ir Ef there's 
 a loyal man in this country, I'm one. I go for 
 puttin down every feller that's opposed to the 
 Constitushin, I don't keer who he is. I only wish 
 we had an Old Hickery to step in now an jest deal 
 out jestiss all around, without any parshality. I 
 guess there's a good raenny fellers that don't expect 
 it, who might get histed." " Wal," ses he, 
 "Majer, I'm of your idee exactly. The truth is, 
 I'm thinkin that this administrashin is played out. 
 The Ultrys will ruin it." "Wal," ses I, " Mister 
 Blair, I've cum to see you about another matter. 
 Your son Montgummery, who used to be a little 
 shaver in the old Ginneral's time, has got the 
 place of Amos Kindle, an he has been stoppin 
 Dimmycratic papers in the mails." " Oh no," ses 
 he, "I guess not; only sum disloyal sheets." 
 " No," ses I, " I'll give you a hunderd dollars for 
 every word of disloyalty agin the Constitushin 
 you'll find in that paper." Here I took a Caw- 
 cashin out of my pocket, an handed it to him. 
 He looked it over an couldn't find nothin to object 
 to. Then I showed him the motto at its head, 
 taken from his own words about the freedom of the 
 press, an then I telled him I wanted him to go 
 with me to Montgummery, an see ef the thing 
 couldn't be fixed. So we went over, an you never 
 see a man stare so as Montgummery did. Ses he, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 201 
 
 " Majer Downing, I'm tickled to see you. I think 
 you have slighted me sence you've been in Wash- 
 ington. You've been to see nigh about all the 
 members of the Cabynet except me." " Wal," 
 ses I, " I don't go around much, except on bizness 
 for the Kernel ; but now," ses I, " I've cum on 
 another arrand : I've cum to see why you don't 
 allow all the Dimmycratic newspapers to go in the 
 mails ?" " Wal," ses he, « Majer, that's jest wat 
 I'm goin to do. It was bad bizness for us that we 
 ever stopped these papers. It made more votes 
 for the Dimmycratic party than eny other cause. 
 The truth is, it never was my policy. I never did 
 beleeve in it, and now they all see it must be given 
 up." Ses I, " Mister Blair, ef you didn't beleeve 
 in it, you orter have refused to clo it. That ain't the 
 way the old Ginneral acted, an he's my model. Ef 
 he thought enything was rong, there warn't a mor- 
 tal man, high or low, that could have got him to 
 do it. He would have died afore he would do wat 
 his conscence told him warn't right, an it's them 
 kind of men that are great men, an will save our 
 country, ef it ever is saved." " Wal," ses he, 
 " Majer, you're about right, an I don't think I 
 shall stay in this bote much longer. Things are 
 goin from bad to wus." " Yes," ses I, " they are 
 like old Sol Hopkins's dyin cow, « gettin no better 
 
 very fast.' ' : "But," ses he. "Majer, you can 
 9* 
 
202 LETTERS OF 
 
 rest easy on the papers. We are goin back to the 
 Free Press Principal, an let the people have their 
 own way." " Wal," ses I, "I'm glad to hear it. 
 It's about time there was a change." 
 
 So I bid him good-by, an went back to see the 
 Kernel, who I found in a peck of trubbil. Ses I, 
 " What's the matter now !" for I saw at a glance 
 that sumthin was up. Ses I, " Is Burnside 
 whipped agin, or is Stonewall Jackson in our 
 rear ?" " No," ses he, " Majer, no thin of that 
 sort, but sumthin jest about as bad." "Wal," 
 ses I, "what is it ?" " Wal," ses he, " there has 
 jest been a committy here from the Senit who de- 
 mand that I shall change my Cabbynct. They 
 say we don't have eny success, an the peopul de- 
 mand a change." Ses I, " Did you kick em 
 down stairs ?" " No," ses he, " I didn't." 
 " Wal," ses I, " you orter. They mite jest as 
 well ask you to resign." Ses I, " Don't your 
 Cabbynet agree in your policy ? Don't they do 
 as you desire ?" " Yes," ses he, " they do." 
 " Wal," ses I, " then what's the use of changin? 
 If you intend to change your policy, then it is 
 reasonable to ask you to change your Cabbynet, 
 but otherways not." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, 
 that's my idee exactly, but I didn't tell cm so; I 
 thought I would wait an sec what you thought of 
 it." " Wal," ses I, " I see the hull cause of the 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 203 
 
 rumpus. The defeat of Burnside has made em so 
 wrathy that they didn't know what to do, an they 
 thought they must find fault about sumthin." 
 Ses I, " Fighten the rebils is jest for all the world 
 like bar huntin. A good menny years ago, when 
 it was common up in Maine, nigh about all the 
 nabors would now an then turn out to hunt a bar. 
 If they caught him they used to have a grand 
 time, get up a big supper an drink whisky till 
 they all got how cum you so. But if they didn't 
 ketch the bar, then one was blamin tother, an 
 tother anuther. an sumtimes the affair would end 
 by gettin into a regular fitc all around. Jest so 
 it is now. If Burnside had whipped the rebils, 
 it would all have been right." Ses Linkin, ses 
 he, " Major, you're right. But what am I do ? 
 They komplain about the Cabbynet, an want me 
 to change it." < ; Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I tell 
 you how to fix it. Get the Committy and Cabby- 
 net face to face, an let 'em quarrel it out." 
 "That would be a capital idee, Majer, but how 
 am I to do it ?" " Wal," ses I, " you jest call the 
 Cabbvnet together for twelve o'clock to-morrow, 
 an then send for the Committy, an put 'em in the 
 same room together, an see how the happy family 
 will manage." The Kernel was struck with the 
 idee, an so the next day the Cabbynet were as- 
 sembled, an pooty soon after the Committy, with 
 
204 LETTERS OP 
 
 Fessenden as Cheerman, made their appearance. 
 You never see a more flustircated set of people in 
 this world than these men were. But there was 
 no backin out. The Kernel called the meetin to 
 order, an sed he had received a good many kom- 
 plaints, an he wanted the matter fully discussed. 
 Fessenden got up an sed that the peeple were gettin 
 tired of the war, an that the only way to satisfy 
 'em was to change the Cabbynet. Burnside had 
 been defeated, Banks had been sent a great ways 
 off, when he was wanted at home, the sojers 
 warn't paid, the gunboats warn't finished, &c, 
 &c. Chase got up first; he sed if the sojers 
 warn't paid it warn't his fault. The fact was, 
 that paper had riz onexpectedly, an his stock was 
 low. Jest as soon as paper got more plenty, an 
 he got the new patent National Ten Cylendar Re- 
 volvin Machine at work, the sojers would be all 
 paid regular. Then Stantin got up, puffin like a 
 porpuss. Ses he, "Mr. President, these ere re- 
 marks are impertinent, an if I had my way, I would 
 send every one of this Committy to the Old Cap- 
 itol. I'de like to know what these men know 
 about war, and strategy. Why, they talk about 
 the defeat of Burnside. It is nonsense, sir ; he 
 ain't been defeated ! The people are humbugged 
 by the newspapers. It's a pity there's a news- 
 paper in the land They interfere with my strat- 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 205 
 
 egy. Burnside has gained a great success. He 
 has discovered the strength of the enemy's works 
 at that pint, an now we know that some other 
 route is the one to take, an not that one. Ef 
 it had not been for this battle, we shouldn't have 
 found that out. This Committy of old gentle- 
 men, or old women, I had almost said, don't un- 
 derstand the art of war. Their talk is sheer im- 
 pertinence. I'de squelch em with a proclamashin, 
 if no other way." 
 
 Then grandfather Welles got up, an sed he 
 didn't like to have fault found because his gun- 
 boats warn't redely. He sed he would like to 
 see eny one who had worked harder than he had. 
 He sed he hadn't slept but fourteen hours a day 
 for six months, while his naturel rest required 
 eighteen. He hed sacrificed all that for the good 
 of his country, and he didn't believe one of the 
 Committy hed done as much. Blair got up and 
 said he didn't keer how quick they turned him 
 out. He was reddy to go eny time, as he thought 
 the thing was about played out. Bates sed he 
 thought things looked more cheerful than ever 
 before, as he hed jest discovered that niggers 
 could be citizens, and that the Dred Scott decision 
 was a humbug. When tbey all got thru, there 
 was a ginnerel talk all around, and they finally 
 cum to tie conclusion that there warn't eny 
 
206 LETTERS OF 
 
 reason for a change after all, an they all went off 
 in a pretty good humor. 
 
 So the great Cabbynet crysis ended, and the 
 Kernel feels like a new man. My idee of gettin 
 them all together face to face, the Kernel ses, 
 saved the nashun. That nite we set up till after 
 midnight, and finally, after takin a good swig of 
 Old Rye, went to bed. The next morning the 
 Kernel was as merry as a lark, and could tell 
 stories as well as ever. 
 
 Yours till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 207 
 
 LETTER XXIV. 
 
 The Emancipation Proclamation — Tlxe Way to Get ty Richmond 
 — Splittiug the Union — The Major Tells a Story about Split- 
 ting — The President Gets Indignant — Seizes the Hoot-Jack — 
 The Major Pacifies Him — A D'eam — The Major Returns to 
 Downingville. 
 
 Downingville, State of Maine, ) 
 February 4th, 1863. ) 
 To the Uditers of The Cawcashin : 
 
 Surs : — I expect you have bin kinder puzzled 
 to know why you ain't heered from me in so long 
 a time. I expect you'll wonder, too, why my let- 
 ter is dated Downingville instead of Washington. 
 Wal, I'll have to narrate the hull story : — You 
 know the last letter I rit you was jest a lore the 
 first of Jinewary, when the Kernel had promised 
 to issoo his Free Nigger Proclamashin. 1 was al- 
 lers teetotally down on it, an I thought 1 should 
 persuade him out of it, an tharby save t';e great 
 disgrace an stane it would be on our count i-y. But 
 the truth is, the Kernel an I had a row about it, 
 an I left. The story I'll tell jest as it tn': place : 
 The mornin after New Year's I cum down stairs, 
 an the Kernel was settin in his cheer with his feet 
 
208 LETTERS OF 
 
 on the tabil. " Wal," ses he, " I've done it." 
 "Done what?" ses I. "Why," ses he, "I've 
 signed the Proclamashin." " Wal," ses I, "you 
 had better have signed your own doth warrant, for 
 that is the deth warrant of the Union." Ses he, 
 " Majer, I'm sorry you're so hard on that." 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I ain't too hard on it, as 
 you'll find out to your sorror." " Now, Majer, 
 let me ask you one thing. We must take Rich- 
 mond, an ain't we tried every way but this ? Ain't 
 we gone by the Shanandore Vally, by Jeemes 
 River, by Manasses, an yet we can't get to Rich- 
 mond ? We must weaken the rebils afore we can 
 do it, an this is the way to effect it." 
 
 Ses I, " Kernel, don't you know there is one . 
 way to get to Richmond that you ain't tried yet ?" 
 " No," ses he, " I didn't know it." " Wal," ses 
 I, " there is." " Wal," ses he, " what on arth is 
 it ?" " Wal," ses I, " it is the Constitushinal 
 way!" Ses I, " You've bin tryin to git there 
 agin the Constitushin, an you can't do it that way. 
 Ef you hadn't called out 75,000 men to whip 
 South Caroliny, old Virginny would never have 
 left you, an you could have got to Richmond jest 
 as easy as old grandfather Welles kin go to sleep." 
 
 " Wal," ses he, " Majer, mebby that's so, but 
 you can't dip up spilt milk. Ef the thing is 
 wrong, it's gone so far now that we may as well 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 209 
 
 drive it thru an see ef we can't clinch it on tother 
 side." " But," ses I, " there ain't eny tother 
 side to this questshin, eny more than there is a 
 white side to a nigger or black side to a white 
 man, an you may drive on and on, an you won't get 
 thru." " Wal," ses the Kernel, " what will come 
 of it then, Majer ?" " Wal," ses I, " you will split 
 the Union, but that is all you kin do." " Wal," 
 ses he, " Majer, that would be jest like my tarnel 
 luck. I never got hold of but one thing in my 
 life that I didn't split." Ses I, " What was that?" 
 Ses he, "A taller candle, an I defy all creashin to 
 split that." Ses I, " Kernel, I guess you must be 
 some relashin to the feller out West who split up 
 all the churches." Ses he, "How was that?" 
 " Wal," ses I, " ef I tell you the story, you must 
 not get mad, for I'm afeered it will set putty clus." 
 Ses he, " Majer, I can stand a joak better than 
 eny other feller you ever see." " Wal," ses I, 
 " here goes : There was a feller out West who got 
 converted, or thought he did, an jined the Epis- 
 copal church. He hadn't bin in it long afore he 
 got the members by the ears, an split it all up an 
 broke it down. After he had done all the hurt he 
 could, he went an jined the Presbyterian church, 
 an he hadn't bin there long afore he split that 
 all up. Then he went an united with the Baptist 
 church. It warn't long afore they were all split 
 
210 LETTERS OF 
 
 up an broke to pieces. Being turned out from 
 there, he went an jined the Methodist church. 
 He soon got that church into hot water. One day, 
 when the ministers were consultin as to what to do 
 with him, ses one of them, ses he, " I've bin prayin 
 most fervently that that man may go to hell !" 
 "Tut, tut, brother," says the Elder, "how can you 
 do so ? You should pray for him that he may be 
 better, and be fitted to go to Heaven." " No," ses 
 he, " I don't think so. I've prayed earnestly that 
 he might go to hell, an I'll tell you why. He has 
 split up an broken up every church an neighbor- 
 hood he was ever in, an ef he should go to Satan's 
 dominions, I think he might split an break up that 
 place, an you know what a blessing that would be." 
 I hadn't more than got the last word out of my 
 mouth, wen the Kernel jumped up from his cheer, 
 and ketchin hold of his boot-jack, he flourished it 
 rite over his head in a savage style. I thought 
 he was stark mad. I got my hickory an backed 
 up agin the door. I seed he was tarin mad, but 
 I didn't say a word. I know he'd work off the 
 bile in his own way. Finally ses he, " Majer, 
 wat are you standin there for ?" " Why," ses I, 
 " I was waitin to see what you was goin to do with 
 that boot-jack." Ses he, " Have I got the boot- 
 jack ?" " Wai," ses I, " you've got sumthin in 
 your hand that looks a mity site like one." 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNIXO. 211 
 
 <' Wal," ses he, " Majer, I want to know whether 
 you mean to apply that story to me ?" " No," 
 ses I, " Kernel. Didn't I tell you at the outset 
 that I didn't ; but you was tellin about what you 
 had done in the way of splittin things, an I was 
 reminded of that story. But I told you to keep 
 your temper, an not take it as personal, but only 
 as a joak ?" " Wal," ses he, " Majer, I'll for- 
 give you ; but ef I thought you meant that story 
 for me, I'd arrest you for disloyal practices, an 
 put you in the Old Capital Prison." 
 
 Then the Kernel asked me to take some Old 
 Rye with him an mak& up friends. So I did ; but 
 I noticed, after that, that the Kernel watched me 
 very clus. The very next day I had an awful at- 
 tack of rumatiz, an I also felt sick an diseur- 
 raged. Thigs never looked so black afore. I 
 had a dream that nite, an I thought I saw the old 
 Ginneral, an he told me, ses he, " this ain't any 
 place for you now. The abolitionists have got. 
 full sway, an they will ruin the country as sure a? 
 my name is Andrew Jackson." I also dreamed 
 that I saw thousands of dyin men, an weepin wini- 
 uiin, an cryin children. I thought the doors ol 
 the houses all over the North looked, red with 
 blood, an a black cloud hung over the hull laud. 
 People seemed to be runnin first one way an then 
 tot her, askin what they should do. Finally, I 
 
212 LETTERS OF 
 
 heered a grate noise, like an arthquake, that woke 
 me up, an I laid awake the rest of the nite. 
 
 The next mornin I was eenamost down sick 
 with trubbcl an rumatiz, an I tolled the Kernel 
 1 must go hum, where I could get good kecr'taken 
 of me. The Kernel didn't say much agin it, for, 
 after all, he didn't kinder like that story. So ses 
 I, " Mr. President, I've been with you now for 
 about a year, an I've got a clean conscience, for 
 I've tried to tell you the rale truth jest as it is. 
 Ef all who have cum around you had done the 
 same, you would not be where you are ; but," ses 
 I, cs I ain't got any feclin on the subject, an 
 whenever I can be of any sarvice to my country, 
 jest let me know, an I will come to Washinton 
 agin." 
 
 The Kernel ses he, " Majer, I know you are a 
 patriot, and I feel bad to have you go. I wish 
 now I had taken your advice. But," ses he, 
 " Major,''" an here he giv my hand a tight squeeze, 
 "you know I've only been about in a current, 
 an yet like the bout I'll be jest the one that will 
 get the worst smashed to pieces when the preci- 
 pice is reached." I couldn't help feelin 'kinder 
 sorry for the Kernel as I bid him good-bye, but 
 1 felt still more sorry for my country that it had 
 ever made him President. 
 
 I got hum all safe, an sense then I've been laid 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 213 
 
 up four weeks with the rumatiz. I never had 
 such a long pull afore. As for writin with it on 
 me, why I can't any more do it than a shad can 
 climb a bean-pole. 1 expect you've been won- 
 derin why you didn't hear from me, but I think 
 this letter will explain the resin. If the rumatiz 
 don't come on agin, an I think I kin say anything 
 that would of sarvice in this awful and solemn 
 crysis of our country's fate, I will drop you a 
 line. I feel as if the nashin was dyin, however, 
 an that we all orter put on mournin an sack- 
 cloth, but come what will, I'm for my country 
 Till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
214 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER XXV. 
 
 The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of His Country — The 
 Story of the Black Heifer — The Man who Made a "Siss" — Tlie 
 Union — "Insine" Stebbins Again — His Reception at Down- 
 ingville — " TJie Insensible^' '—A Provoking Accident. 
 
 Downingville, March 28, 1863. 
 To the Eddytcrs of the Cawcashun : 
 
 Suns : — You may wonder why you ain't heered 
 from mo afore ; but the rale truth is, that I didn't 
 feel like ritin in these times. I went to Wash- 
 inton about a year ago, out of pure patriotism. 
 I didn't want a contrack, nor a commission, nor 
 enything. I went to give the Kernel good ad- 
 vice, jest as I did Ginneral Jackson ; but it warn't 
 no go. Somnure an Greeley, an Wendil Fillips, 
 an sech stay-at-hum fiten ginnerals got the advan- 
 tage of me, an Linkin does jest wat they want 
 him to. To an old man like me, these are tryin 
 times. I had almost said cryin times ; I can't 
 bear to think of 'em. I dream o'nights of my 
 country, wen it was all peace an happiness — wen 
 ther warn't any sojers nor standin army to pay, 
 nor no debt, nor no hospitals full of sick sojers, 
 nor no sorrow or misery in the land : an wen 1 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 215 
 
 wake up an think how different it is now, I wish 
 I could sleep all the time. The other day old 
 Deacon Jcnkens came over to see me. The Dea- 
 con, you know, was with me in Washinton a 
 short time, wen 1 first went there, and his dar- 
 ter Jerusha Matilda went down to Port Royal to 
 teach the contrybands their primmers. Wal, the 
 Deacon ain't much wiser now than he was a year 
 ago. He still thinks that by prayin an fightin 
 the rebels will yet be whipped. He used to like 
 the Tribune, but lately he ses he prefers the Her- 
 ald, as it is more truthful. The old man, howev- 
 er, has been very blue for some time past, and 
 now ses that prayin an fightin hain't accomplished 
 much. " Wal," ses I, " Deacon, there hadn't orter 
 been cny war at all : but," ses I, " while the South 
 have had a single end an purpose, we've been all at 
 odds and ends. The war has been carried on by 
 us jest like old Sol Pendergrast's boy ploughed. 
 Old Sol took his oldest boy, Adam, a thick-heded 
 feller, out one Spring, an set him to ploughin. He 
 told him to go to work an strike a furrow across a 
 field to n black heifer, an then keep on. After givin 
 this direcshin, old Sol went off to the house an left 
 xVdam alone. The boy started his oxen in a bee 
 line for the black heifer, but wen he got pretty 
 clus to her, she threw up her tail an ran off in an- 
 other direcshin. Adam thought he must foller the 
 
216 LETTERS OP 
 
 heifer, no matter where she went ; so he struck 
 another bee line for her, and with jest the same 
 result. Wen he got clus to her, the heifer give 
 another frisk to her tail, an off she went. Adam 
 geed his oxen around, and struck for her agin ; an 
 so he kept on all day. At nite the old man cum 
 out to see how Adam had got along. He found 
 the field all cut up with furrows, zig-zag, criss- 
 cross, an in every direcshin, an asked Adam wat 
 on arth it ment. \ Wal,' ses the thick-headed 
 numskull, l you told me to steer for the black heifer, 
 an I've done it all day, but the denied critter 
 wouldn't stand still, an so the furrows are a 
 kinder criss-cross, you see.' Now," ses I, " that 
 is jest wat Linkin has been doin. Greeley told him 
 to steer for the nigger, an the result is jest like 
 Adam Pendergrast's ploughing. There's a con- 
 siderable fightin ben done, but it is all criss-cross, 
 zig-zag, an don't amount to nothin, an so it will be 
 to the end of the chapter." Wen I sed this, the 
 Deacon knocked the ashes out of his pipe, an ses 
 he, " Wal, Majer, wat do you think the war will 
 amount to, enyhow ?" " Wall," ses I, " I guess 
 it will end a good deal like the feller who thought 
 he could make a horse-shoe jest as well as a black- 
 smith." Ses the Deacon, ses he, " How was that, 
 Majer ?" " Wal," ses I, " one clay a feller in a 
 blacksmith's shop made a bet that he could make 
 
MAJOR .JACK DOWNING. 217 
 
 a horse-shoe jest as well as the blacksmith him- 
 self, though lie hadn't never heated an iron nor 
 struck a blow on an anvil. The feller sed it 
 didn't require any great gumption to make a 
 horse-shoe. So he took a piece of iron an at it he 
 went. He put it in the fire, heated it an com- 
 menced poundin it, but the more he pounded, the 
 more it didn't look like a horse-shoe. He finally 
 gave up the job, an said if he couldn't make a 
 horse-shoe he could make a wagon-bolt. So at it 
 he went, but the more he pounded an the more he 
 heated his iron, the less it grew, an finally he 
 found that he couldn't make even a wagon-bolt. 
 Then he declared that he had iron enough left for 
 a horse-shoe nail, and that he would make, but 
 upon trying, he found that the most difficult job of 
 all. Finally, giving up in despair, ses he, ' Wal, 
 one thing I can do enyhow, I can make a siss /' an 
 plunging the tongs an what was left of the iron in 
 the water, he did get up a very respectable ' siss.' 
 Now," ses I, " when he started out, Linkin sed he 
 was goin to restore the old Union. That has been 
 given up long ago, and now they say they are goin 
 to conquer the Southern States, that is, make a 
 despotism, but the war will turn out jest like the 
 horse-shoe business. Linkin will, after all, neether 
 make a Union, or a despotism, or an Empire by it, 
 but it will end with a great big ' siss.' That's all 
 10 
 
218 LETTERS OF 
 
 he will accomplish by it, an a dear ' siss ' it will 
 be for many a poor fellow. A clear < siss ' it will 
 be for the fatherless and the widows, and a won- 
 derful clear ' siss ' it will be for the people who 
 will have to pay the taxes and foot the bill of war." 
 Wen I said this, the Deacon drew a long breth, an 
 lookin down on the floor, didn't say enything for 
 some minutes. Finally, ses he, " Wal, Major, will 
 we have to give up the Union after all ?" Ses I, 
 " I don't see eny necessity for that, providin that 
 we ldn only stop the war an talk over matters a 
 little. But," ses I, " ef the Union is goin to be a 
 Union wherein a white man hasn't the right to ex- 
 press his opinions, then I must say I don't love 
 such a Union as that, an I'm as strong a Union 
 man as old Ginneral Jackson, an that was strong 
 enough. I am for the old Union, but ef the Union 
 is to mean despotism, then I'm for breakin it all 
 to smash, as soon as possible. Wen a man begins 
 to humbug me by callin things by their wrong 
 names to try an deceive me, it alius riles me on- 
 accountably. I ain't a very larnecl man, but I kin 
 generally see through one of these college chaps. 
 Wen he talks Union to me, an all the time means 
 despotism, I alius feel jest like haulin up my old 
 hickory, an givin him a sockdologer. Why," ses 
 I, " Deacon, the feller who wants to turn this 
 government into a despotism, an keeps all the time 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 219 
 
 hollerin 'Union,' while he is do-in it, is not only a 
 traitor, but a hypocrite an coward. He is afeerd 
 to speak his rale sentiments, an so goes around 
 try in to deceive the people, jest as the false pro- 
 phets in the Saviour's time. I'm teetotally down 
 on such fellers, an I mean to be to the end of the 
 chapter." 
 
 I almost forgot to tell you that Insine Stebbins, 
 who went off to the war, has jest got hum. He 
 had a recepshun by the military of Downingville 
 wen he arriv. Col. Doolittle called out the 
 Downingville Insensibles an the Maroon artillery, 
 an all Downingville was in a blaze of glory. The 
 Insine has been promoted to be Captin sense he 
 went off, for ritin a pome for the contrybands at 
 Port Royal, where the Insine was stashioned. The 
 Insine is not a bad poet. But you orter seen the 
 turnout in Downingville to receive him. Colonel 
 Doolittle rode down the street on old Elder Du- 
 senberry's sorrel mare, an jest as the cannon was 
 blazin forth the joyous news of the Captin's arri- 
 val on the ground, old sorrel's colt, that the elder 
 thought he had locked up safe in the stable, come 
 tarein through the street, an fairly mowed a swath 
 rite through the women. Such a yellin an screachin 
 ver never heered afore. A good many people 
 thought the rebils were comin. Elder Dusenber- 
 ry's wife tore her best silk dress, an the Insine 
 
220 LETTERS OP 
 
 who had primed himself for a big speech on the 
 occashin, had it all scart out of him. If it hadn't 
 been for that rascally young colt, I think that the 
 celebrashin would have been the greatest day 
 Downingville had seen sence the time General 
 Jackson visited it. The Insine brings the news 
 from Washington that the Kernel thinks some of 
 pay in a visit to the North, an maybe to the East, 
 afore long. Ef he does, he says he wants me to gc 
 along with him to help him make speeches and 
 keep off the offis-seekers. Ef he sends for me, 
 I spose I shall have to go, though I hate to do 
 
 it. 
 
 Yourn till deth, 
 
 Majer Jactc Downing. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWSING. 221 
 
 LETTER XXVI. 
 
 Tlie Democratic Party Wldpped — Tilings as bad as they can be — A 
 Story in Point — Mr. Lincoln sends for the Major again — Tlie 
 Major writes him a Letter — Tlie Return of " Kernel " Stebbins, 
 formerly u Insine " — His Reception at Downingville — "Kernel '' 
 Doolittle^s Speech — " Kernel " Stebbins 1 Reply — Elder Sniffles 1 
 Preaches a Sermon. 
 
 Downingville, Oct. 26, 1863. 
 To the Editers of The Dabook : 
 
 Suits: — 'Cause your readers hain't herd from 
 me lately, I 'spose they think I'm decl, or gone 
 over to the Abolishinists, which is a tarnal sight 
 wus : but I ain't in neither fix. I'm pretty well 
 jest now. The hot wether, durin the summer, 
 kinder tried me, but I carry eighty years jest 
 about as well as any man ever did. The resin 
 you ain't herd from me is jest this : I've been 
 feelin oncommon gloomy and down-spcrited all 
 summer. Everything seemed to be goin from bad 
 to wus. Linkin wouldn't take my advice an cum 
 out agin the Abolitionists, but issued his free nig- 
 ger proclamashun rite agin the law an the Consti- 
 tushin both. Wal, things have gone down hill 
 rapid sence then. The Demmycratic party didn't 
 
2.22 LETT KItS OF 
 
 cum out bluntly agin this proclamashin, but kept 
 on supportin the war, an the consequence is, it has 
 whipped all round. Politics are gettin down to 
 first principles. 
 
 Things are jest as bad as they kin be, and that 
 j.s what encourages me. I shall never forget 
 JLTezekiahStebbins, who lived away up in the upper 
 oart of Penobscot. One winter it had been awful 
 cold weather, and 'Kiah had wonderful bad luck, 
 and towards spring it seemed to get worse in- 
 stead of better. He had lost his horse, and his 
 cow, and his chickens, and all his pigs but one. 
 Finally, that died, and the next day I happened to 
 go up to his house to see how he was gettin along. 
 I found the old man happy as a lark. He was 
 singin and shoutin as if nothing had happen'd. 
 When I went in, ses I, " 'Kiah, what on airth is the 
 matter ?" " Oh," ses he, " the last pig is ded," 
 and he went to jumpin and clappin his hands, as if 
 he was the happiest man in the universe. Ses I, 
 " What possesses you to act so ?" " Wal," ses 
 he, " things can't be no wus. The last pig is ded ! 
 anything that happens now must be for the better." 
 And just so it is with the Dimmycratic party. 
 Anything now that happens to it must be for the 
 better. And I must confess that I feel a good 
 leal like 'Kiah. I don't feel a bit like settin 
 down and cry in like a sick baby over spilt milk, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 
 
 223 
 
 because we've been whipt in the late elecsliins. 
 That ain't the way the old Ginral Hickory Jack- 
 son taught me Dimmocracy. 
 
 The other day I got a letter from Linkin, 
 askin me to cum on to Washinton. He ses he is 
 gettinintoa heep of trouble about his next mcs- 
 sidge, all on account of the diffikilty which Blair 
 an Chase air kickin up about what is to be dun 
 with the suthrin States after the rebelyon is put 
 down. He ses he wants me to help git up the mes- 
 sidge, and kinder fix things up ginrally. I writ 
 back that cold wether was cumin on, and my rum- 
 atiz would probably trouble me, so I could not tell 
 exactly what I would do, but if I could be of any 
 service to my country, as long as life lasted, I 
 would do my duty. I wrote him, also, about that 
 matter of the southern States, an I told him that it 
 reminded me of the old receipt for cooking ^ a 
 rabbit. " First catch your rabbit" I told him 
 they had not got the southern States yet, that they 
 sartainly wouldn't get them this year, an I didn't 
 see any great likelihood of gettin them next year. 
 In fact, the times of the soldiers were mostly out, 
 an I didn't believe they would ever get another 
 sich an army, an if he followed my advice he would 
 get up a Peace this winter without fail. I ain't 
 got any answer to this letter, but I shall wait for 
 one before I go. If the Kernel talks huffy, I 
 
221 LETTERS OF 
 
 won't stir a step, for he knows I allers tell him 
 the plain, blunt truth, as I believe it. Wen I can't 
 talk that way to a man, I won't have nothing to 
 do with him. The old Ginneral allers wanted 
 everybody around him to speak there rale senti- 
 ments. Nothing made him so mad as to suspect 
 any body of flatterin him, or shaming in any way. 
 The other day Kernel Stebbins cum hum from 
 the war. The Kernel has been down to Morris 
 Island with Ginneral Gilmur. He ses that the 
 sand on that island is kinder onaccountable. The 
 Kernel reckons that he has eat nigh about a bushel. 
 The Kernel used to be very good on writin poetry, 
 but he says all the flatus has oozed out of him, an 
 he don't believe he could write a line to save his 
 life. We had a grand recepshin for the Kernel 
 on his arrival. The Downingville Insensibles 
 turned out as usual on sich occashins. You rec- 
 ollect that the Kernel went off as an In sine, an 
 when he was promoted to be Captain he cum hum 
 an we giv him a recepshin. Now he is raised to 
 Kernel he cums hum agin. He cums every time he 
 gets promoted, to let his old naybors see how he 
 looks in his new uniform. I never see the Kernel 
 look so well. He has got a span new suit of blue 
 uniform, all covered with gold buttons, an gold 
 lace an gold shoulder-straps. I tell you, the peo- 
 ple looked astonished, and the Downingville folks 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 225 
 
 feel very proud of him. The Kernel expects be- 
 fore long to be a Ginneral, and then to be called 
 to the command of the Army of the Potomac ! Wen 
 the Kernel was received at the Town Hall, Kernel 
 Doolittle, who commands the Downingville Insen- 
 sibles, made the recepshin speech. The following 
 is the speech, with the Kernel's reply : 
 
 " Kernel Stebbins : I am deputed by the citizens 
 of Downingville to welcome you once more to your 
 native town and hum. ,We have heard of your 
 gallant exploits, your glorious bravery, yournever- 
 dyin devoshin to the Star-Spangled Banner. Comin 
 as you do, covered with the dust and blood of the 
 battle-field, we hail you as the friend of the op- 
 pressed African and the savior of your country." 
 
 To which the Kernel replied : 
 
 " Kernel Doolittle : I can't begin to express to 
 you the feelins of my hart. This occashin is 
 techin. Sojers can't make speeches. I've dun 
 my duty. I've seen the cannons roar. I've heard 
 the flash of a thousand rifles all at once. There 
 ain't nothin that can equal it for rite down tall 
 sublimity. But, feller-citizens, we ought to be 
 most rejoiced now because freedom is going it at 
 such big licks. I'me a manifest destiny man. I 
 believe freedom is to extend from the frozen planes 
 of Alabama to the sunny banks of Newfoundland. 
 There ain't nothin kin stop it. It is comin like 
 10* 
 
226 LETTERS OF 
 
 an avalanche from the eternal hills of Giberaltcr. 
 Freedom! freedom! will resound from creashin 
 come to pullin turnip time, an all the hopples that 
 bind the legs of American citizens of Afriken 
 'scent will fall off. Them's my sentiments, and I 
 don't keer who knows 'em. The old Union ain't 
 of any more ackount in these 'ere times than an 
 iron pot with a hole in the bottom. Wat we 
 want is a new Union which will have for its motto 
 the celebrated words of Daniel Webster, " Free- 
 dom and niggers — now and forever — one and in- 
 spirablc." 
 
 " Amen," yelled out Deacon Jenkins, who had 
 been listenin' attentively, as the Kernel sat down, 
 and the hull audience broke out into the most 
 tumultuous applause. There is a little mistake in 
 Kernel Doolittle's speech, where he speaks of 
 Kernel Stebbins being covered with the dust an 
 blood of the battle-field. Now, the truth was, the 
 Kernel, with his new uniform, looked as if he had 
 jest cum out of a band-box, but Kernel Doolittle 
 had his speech writ out, an he couldn't alter it. 
 Kernel Stebbins got on such high hosses, that ho 
 talked about seeing the boomin' of cannon an 
 hearin' the flash of guns, but the truth was, he 
 didn't know exactly what he said an the people 
 were so carried away with havin' a live Kernel 
 among them, that they didn't notice it. There 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 227 
 
 ain't been nothin' talked of in Downin^-viUe senco 
 the Kernel's return, exeept his recepshin. Elder 
 Sniffles preached a sarmon on it, takin' for his 
 text " There shall be wars an rumors of wars," 
 an provin from the Bible that war is the duty of 
 all real, genuine Christians. So, you see, there 
 ain't a more loyal place in the country, unless it 
 be Washinton, where all the office-holders an 
 contractors live. But I must close. I did't ex- 
 pect to write you but a few lines this time. If I 
 go to Washington, I will let you into the secrete 
 of the Blair and Chase rumpus, an keep you posted 
 up ginerally on things behind the curtin. 
 Yours, till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
228 LETTERS OP 
 
 LETTER XXVII. 
 
 The Major Starts for Washington — Takes his Axe with him — Mr 
 Lincoln glad to see him — The Cabinet in Session — Th". opinion 
 of Seward, Chase, Stanton awd others — Ihe Major called on 
 for an opinion — The Story of Old Sam Odum — Mr. Stanton 
 gets Excited. 
 
 Washington, Nov. 6, 1863. 
 To the Editers of the Dabook : 
 
 The very next day after I writ you my last let- 
 ter, I got one from Linkin, tellin me I must cum 
 on without fail. He said he was in a peck of 
 trubbil about his messige — that Chase an Seward 
 were pullin rite in contrary direcshins, an what to 
 do he didn't know. So I jest packed up my things, 
 took my pipe in my mouth an my old hickery in 
 my hand, and started. I strapped my axe on the 
 outside of my trunk, for this is the only weepiu, 
 besides my hickory cane, that I ever carry. Goin 
 down to the cars I met Deacon Jenkins, who went 
 on to Washinton, you recollect, to make the Ker- 
 nel's sojer clothes, an ses he, " Major, what are 
 you takin your axe with you to Washinton for ?" 
 « Wal," ses I, "Deacon, I expect I shall get aw- 
 ful, tarin mad with them Abolitionists this winter 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 229 
 
 in Washinton, an ther ain't eny way that I km 
 work off a fit of 'that kind except by goin out to 
 the wood-house an choppin wood. So I deter- 
 mined to take along my axe. It is one the old 
 Ginncral used when he got mad, an I have al- 
 ways preserved it to remember him, ef nothin 
 else." 
 
 I got to Washinton all safe, an went direct to 
 the White House. The feller who tends the door 
 didn't know me at first ; but when he saw my 
 hickery he began to open his eyes, I tell you. Ses 
 he, " You are Majer Downing, I believe," bowin 
 like and scrapen his feet, as ef he thought I 
 keered for that. Ses I, " Yes, I'm Majer Jack 
 Downing, an you jest tell the President, about as 
 quick as time will let you, that I'm here." So he 
 run up-stairs, an I went after him, stoppin in the 
 room where the offis-seekers have to wait, to 
 take a good look down the Potomack to see ef 
 things looked nateral. I hadn't stood there more 
 than a minit when who should cum up behind me 
 but Linkin himself* He caught, rite hold of my 
 hand, an ses he, " Majer, how are you ? I'm 
 tickled to deth to see you ;" an he kept shaken my 
 hand as ef he thought it was made of letlier. Ses 
 I, " Kernel, do you want me to help write your 
 messige ?" Ses he, " Of course I do, Majer." 
 " Wal, then," ses I, " please don't shake that hand 
 
230 LETTERS OP 
 
 eny more, for you've pretty nigh mashed it now." 
 " Wal," ses he, " Majer, I couldn't help it, for it 
 seems as ef Providence sent you jest in the nick 
 of time." Ses I, « How is that ?" « Wal," ses 
 he, " the Cabynet is in session, an I've just fin- 
 ished tellin them one of Ar tenuis Ward's best 
 stories, an got 'em all into a good humor. The 
 messige is the very thing they met to discuss, an 
 you're cum rite in the nick of time," hittin me, 
 as he spoke, a slap on the back that made the 
 cold chills run over me. 
 
 Nothin would do but I must go in and hear the 
 discusshin. So I walked in as large as life. I 
 knew 'em all, an they all knew me. They pre- 
 tended to be rale glad to see me, perticularly 
 Stantin ; but he needn't try to dececve me, for un- 
 der them spectacles of his I see a pair of hyena 
 eyes. I tell you that that man will bear watchin. 
 However, I sed nothin; but after the how-do- 
 doos were over, I laid my old hickery on the table, 
 took out my pipe, an went to smokin. The Ker- 
 nel then called the meetin to order, an sed he 
 wanted a short ackount of each department, so 
 he could fix up his messige, an he also wanted the 
 opinion of each one as to what he thought ought 
 to be done with the southern States after the re- 
 bellyon is crushed. Fust, he called upon Seward. 
 
 Wal, Seward said that furrin affairs were all 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 231 
 
 rite ; that he had offered to carry out the policy 
 of England all over the country, an set up a 
 monarchy, ef necessary, to put clown the Dimmy- 
 crats, an that upon his faithfully promising to do 
 this, the British Government at once seized the 
 rebil rams. That as for the southern States, he 
 thought the best thing that could be done with 
 them, for the good of the country an the grate 
 cause of humanity, was to turn 'em all into one 
 big plantation an make Thurlow Weed Chief 
 Manager. 
 
 Then Chase spoke. He sed the finances were in 
 a flourishing condishin. He now had five hundred 
 printin presses to work makin money ; that the 
 debt warn't only §5,000,000,000,000; that every 
 body was gettin rich, an that the way to treat 
 the southern States an save the country was just 
 this: Issue a Proclamashin that only jest enough 
 cotton should be raised for him to print green- 
 backs on, an then he could control the currency 
 in >?pite of all the copperhead gold speculaters in 
 creashin. 
 
 Stantin sed that his department was all right. 
 That he had got rid of all the coppcrhed ginrals, 
 and had left the track clear for the next President 
 to be a genuine Abelishinist. That all that was 
 necessa»-y now was to keep the war up till after 
 the next Presidential elecshin, and he thought he 
 
232 LETTERS OF 
 
 could do it. As for the southern States, he was 
 for givin the niggers the plantations and makin 
 the whites their slaves. 
 
 Then old grandfather Welles got up, strokin 
 his long white beard. He sed that nothin could 
 save the nashin but gunboats ; that he was build- 
 in one a day now, except on the Sabbath, which 
 he piously devoted to prayin an fastin, and to di- 
 vidin the contracks among his relashins. He 
 thought the South ought to be surrounded with a 
 wall of gunboats from Texas to Maryland. 
 
 The next one that spoke was Blair. He said he 
 hadn't stopped a single paper durin' the hull year, 
 an he was only sorry that he ever did ; that he 
 had only given the papers he stopped more circu- 
 lashin than they ever had before ; that no one 
 would ever catch him into another such a scrape. 
 As for the southern States, he was down on all 
 the Radikels. He sed they might be allowed to 
 cum back jest as they wanted to. 
 
 When it cum Daddy Bates' turn, he was fast 
 asleep. When Linkin told him what he wanted, he 
 sed it warn't for him to say what should be done 
 with the Southern States. Alter it was decided 
 what to do with 'cm, he supposed they would want 
 a legal opinion on the subject, an he could give 
 one on either side, he didmt care which. 
 
 After they had ail got thru, Linkin turned to 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 233 
 
 me, an ses he, " Majer, what do you think about 
 this matter?" I knocked the ashes out of my 
 pipe, and ses I, " Wal, I don't like to give an 
 opinion on the jump, for I hain't had time yet to see 
 exactly how the land lays here ; but," ses I, " as near 
 as I understand it, all these men here are tryin to 
 catch the South first, and then what to do with 
 her afterwards is another question. Now, the 
 South seems to be a good deal like old Sam Oclum, 
 up in Maine, when he thought the devil was after 
 him. One night he got to dreaming, and jumped 
 out of bed in his shirt, and ran like all possessed 
 down the street. About a half a dozen neighbors 
 chased him until he run up a tree, out of which 
 they couldn't get him anyhow. He kept a 
 screaming " the devils are after me," and would 
 fite like a tiger if any one tried to get at him. 
 Finally, old Deacon Peabody cum along, and ses 
 he, 66 Sam thinks you fellers are the devils that 
 are goin to ruin him ; you jist go away and let 
 him alone, and Sam will be hum and in bed afore 
 morning." They tuk his advice, and sure enough, 
 so it was. 
 
 When I seel this, Stantin, who is quick as a flash, 
 jumped up, an ses he, " Major, do you mean to say 
 that we are devils tryin to catcli the South ?" an 
 he walked rite close up to my face, jest as if he 
 thought he could bully me down, Ses I, "Mr. 
 
234 LETTERS OF 
 
 Secketery, if you will stand back about six inches, 
 you kin see an hear jest as well." He stepped 
 back a little, an I picked up my old hickery, an 
 ses I, " Stantin, do you recollect the time down to 
 Fort Munroe when you tried to get on the Presi- 
 dent's trowsers ?" I never see a feller wilt so as 
 when I sed this. He turned all sorts of colors, 
 an wriggled as if he had a pin stickin in him. 
 " Now," ses I, " I didn't say that you were devils, 
 or anything of the sort, but it seems putty cer- 
 tain that Mr. Stantin feels the shoe pinchin. At 
 all events," ses I, " you ain't caught the South 
 yet, an consultin what you will do with her before 
 that is like countin chickens before they are 
 hatched." 
 
 The Kernel then sed that the session was closed, 
 an after they all axed me to cum an see 'em, ex- 
 cept Stantin, they went away. I think my story 
 about Sam Odum sot putty strong on 'em, an ef 
 they feel like takin it to hum let 'em do so, for my 
 rale rite down solemn opinion is, ef these ere 
 Abolishin Cabynet were to stop trying to catch the 
 South, she would be hum an in the Union bed afore 
 
 mornin. 
 
 Yourn, till deth, 
 
 Majer Jaok Downing, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 235 
 
 LETTER XXVIII. 
 
 Tlie Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message — TJie Major 
 visits Mr. Chase again — Sees the Machines for Printing Green- 
 backs — A Machine for every General — The accounts mixed up 
 Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty over them — Jhe Major Puts him to 
 bed, and applies a mustard-plaster — He Revives, and proposes 
 a Conundrum — Hie Major also proposes one. 
 
 Washington, Nov. 19th, 1863. 
 To the Editers of the Dabook ; 
 
 Surs: — If I ain't been bizzy sence I writ you 
 last, then never a man was. Besides, I've had a 
 considerabul twinge of my old inemy, the rheuma- 
 tiz. This ere Washington atmosfere is terribul on 
 the constitushin. The Kernel, too, was nigh about 
 down sick one day ; but we both tuk a good, old- 
 fashioned wiskey-sling, of the very best Old Rye, 
 and went to bed on it. The next mornin we bot! 
 felt fust rate. The Kernel keeps as good wiskey 
 as I ever got enywhcre. We have been very hard 
 at work on the mcssige, and such a time as wc 
 have had of it you never did see. Stantin don't 
 know how meny sojers he has got in the held, nor 
 how meny have been killed or wounded. Grand- 
 lather Welles can't tell how meny gunbotes he's 
 
236 LETTERS OF 
 
 got, an as for Chase, he don't pur tend to even 
 guess for a certainty how many greenbacks there 
 are aflote, or how big the public debt is. The Ker- 
 nel scd he couldn't even lay the foundashin timbers 
 of his messige until he had some figgers about the 
 debt to begin on. So I told him I would go over 
 an see Chase an have a talk with him. I tuk my 
 slate under my arm an started. Soon as I went in 
 Chase tuk me by the hand an sed he was rale 
 down rite glad to see me. I telled him what I 
 wanted, an he sed he -would soon have it reddy for 
 me, but jest then he asked me to go up-stairs an 
 see the macheenery an printin presses, and so on, 
 that he had got to make money. He sed the worst 
 of it was that the machenes was constantly gettin 
 out of order, and he wanted to know if I under- 
 stood anything about sich affairs. I telled him 
 there warnt nothing, from squirrel-trnps to dog- 
 churns and thrashing macheenes, that I didn't 
 know from stem to starn. Then he sed I was jest 
 the chap he wanted. So I went with him, and I 
 was perfectly thunderstruck when I saw all the 
 riggin, and fixins, and belts, and shafts, and pul- 
 leys, and machenes all a runnin and whizzin and 
 buzzin, as fast as they could go. Ses the Sccke- 
 tary, " This here macheen runs to pay oil Gineral 
 Grant's troops. This one runs to payoff Gineral 
 Meade's troops. This one runs for Gineral Banks. 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 237 
 
 This one is now bizzy for Gineral Burnsidc, and 
 here is this ere one completely broken down. It 
 is Gineral Gilmore's macheen !" "Wal," ses I, 
 " Mr. Sccketary, do you have a macheen for every 
 Gineral and every army?" "Yes," ses he, 
 " about that." " Wal," ses 1, "what do you do 
 about the contracters?" "Oh," ses he, "I ain't 
 showed you them yet. That's in another room." Ses 
 he, " Come along with me." So I follered, and we 
 went off into another room. It was nigh about ten 
 times as big as the first one,, and there were hun- 
 dreds of presses runuin' as fast as they could go. 
 "There," ses he, "if these here machenes were to 
 stop one day, it would set all Wall street into a 
 panic. Sometimes, when the belts give out or the 
 bolts break, or the coal gits short, or paper 
 don't git in in time, there is a good deal of trou- 
 bil, but I've got it so fixed now that I keep 'em 
 putty well supplied." Ses I, " Mr. Sccketary, who 
 is your engineer?" < Wal," ses he, "he's a good 
 trusty man." "But," ses I, "suppose he should 
 bust your bilers, what would Wall street do then ?"' 
 " W^al," ses he, " I never thought of that, but I 
 guess there ain't eny danger." "Wal," ses I, 
 " steam is mighty onsartin. Old Aunt Kcziah 
 Wigglcton, up in Maine, used to say that the only 
 safe way to run a steamboat was to take the bilers 
 out, and my opinion is, that a government run by 
 
238 LETTERS OF 
 
 steam will bust up one of these days." Chase 
 didn't seem to like this last remark much, but he 
 didn't say enything. We cum down stairs putty 
 soon after, and a feller with a brown linen coat 
 )n, nigh about all over ink, brought a hull lot of 
 papers covered over with figgers, and sed that Mr. 
 Linkin could find out all he wanted to from them. 
 I looked 'em over, but I couldn't make lied nor 
 tail' to them. " Wal," ses I, " perhaps a chap who 
 understands dubble and twisted entry book-keepin' 
 can ondcrstand this ere figgering, but I'll be 
 hanged if I kin." Ses I, " Here's seven thirty.s, 
 and five twentys, and six per cents, and five per 
 cents, and bonds and stocks and sartificates, and 
 5 G8s, and '78s, and '96s, and 158s, and Lord knows 
 how many more 8s, until it gets all mixed up 
 so that you can't tell enything more about the debt 
 than Stantin kin tell how sojers has been killed 
 and wounded. Now," ses I, " the people don't 
 care a straw enything about your six twentys, or 
 your five twentys. All they want to know is jest 
 how much money this ere war has cost, and that is 
 what I'me tryin' to figger out for em. When old 
 Ginneral Jackson wanted me to go into Squire's 
 Biddle's Bank and cifer out how matters stood I 
 soon did it, but that warn't eny more comparin to 
 this here affair, than the bunch of elder bushes in 
 Deacon Jenkins's meadow is to the Dismal Swamp. 
 
MAJOl" JACK DOWNING. 239 
 
 I tuk the papers, however, over to Linkin, for it 
 was the best I could do. Wen I handed them to 
 the Kernel, ses he, " Major, does Chase expect me 
 to survive after studyin out these figgers?" 
 "Wal," ses I, ''Kernel, I don't know, but I think 
 Chase wants to be next President." 
 
 The Kernel tuk the hint rite off; but he sed 
 Chase would never be President, for he wanted to 
 be so bad that he acted all the time as if a bum- 
 ble bee was stingin him, and that his flyin round 
 so would kill him off, if no thin else. We then 
 both sot down and went to studyin the figgers. 
 I cifered with my slate, and the Kernel made 
 chalk marks on his hat every time we got up to a 
 million of dollars. Purty soon the Kernel's eyes 
 began to look wild, and ses he, " Major, where do 
 we land next ? Is she hedin up stream or side- 
 ways ? She'll go down, sure as thunder. Well, 
 let her rip ; she's been a sinkin consarn for years." 
 I see at once that the Kernel was flighty. Chase's 
 figgers had turned his hed, and he thought he was 
 flat-botin agin on the Mississippi river. But he 
 kept on ravin. Ses he, «' Majer, knock that nig- 
 ger off the bow of the bote ; he's rite in the way 
 of the pilot." Ses I, " Kernel, it ain't safe to hit 
 a nigger in these days ; Stanton will put me in 
 Fort La Fayette." I thought this might bring 
 the Kernel to his senses, but it didn't. Ses he, 
 
240 LETTERS OF 
 
 " There it goes, Majer, jest as I told you, rite on that 
 snag. That nigger is to blame for the hull of it." 
 I see it was no use, that the Kernel was nigh 
 about stark mad, and so I said to him, ses I, 
 " Let's put up this work to-night, an go to bed." 
 He didn't want to, but I dragged him off, an he 
 kept ravin' all the time, " That nigger has ruined 
 me! There he comes — he is after me yet!" 
 
 As soon as I got the Kernel in bed, I put a 
 double set of mustard plasters on his feet, an then 
 gave him a strong dose of my old remedy, elder- 
 bark tea. I knew that would cure him, if any- 
 thing on arth. Purty soon the sweat began to 
 start, and the gripin in the bowels began. Jest 
 as soon as this took place, it clrawed all the dis- 
 ease out of his head, an the next mornin he was as 
 bright as new dimes used to be when there was 
 sich things. 
 
 The fust thing the Kernel seel to be in the 
 mornin was, ses he, " Majer, I hed an awful dream 
 last nite." Ses I, " What was it ?" " Wal," ses 
 he, "I dreamt that the nigger had destroyed the 
 Union." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, you git nearer 
 the truth in your dreams than you ginrally do 
 when you are wide awake. If you will only have 
 another dream, you will see the Abolishinists have 
 killed the Union, and that the poor nigger is only 
 the means that they have used to do it." 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 241 
 
 The Kernel didn't say nothin, I mt looked down 
 on the floor an whistled. Finally, he tnk out of 
 his pocket one of Chase's new fifty-rent shinplas- 
 ters, an ses he, " Major, kin you tell me why this 
 new currency has the odor of nashinality about 
 it?" "No," ses I, "Kernel, I don't see it." 
 " Wal," ses he, "because it is cented paper!" 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, now kin you tell ine why 
 that fifty-cent shinplaster is like the war ?" Ses 
 he, " Majer, you've got me there." "Wal," ses 
 1, " the lace is black, which means that we are 
 fightin to free the nigger, and the back is red — or 
 the blood — the price we are pay in for it !" 
 
 When I sed this the Kernel brought his hand 
 down on the tabil like ali possessed, giv a kick 
 with his foot that sent his slipper fly in clear across 
 
 the room, an ses he, " Majer, by the ." 
 
 Ses I, " Kernel, hold on. Do you want to take any 
 more elder-bark tea ?" When I sed this he tap- 
 ered rite down, an ses he, jest as good as pie, 
 " Let's have some old rye and make fronds. 
 
 So I didn't object, but the messige ain't finished 
 
 yet, and the Lord only knows when it will be 
 
 dun. 
 
 Yourn till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
 11 
 
242 LETTERS OP 
 
 LETTER XXIX. 
 
 Tlie Trouble about the Message — OJiase and Seward Find Fault 
 with it — The Story of Old Deacon Grimes" Oven — Mr. Lin- 
 coln Overrun with Visitors — '/ he Major Suggests a Way to 
 Get Rid of Them — The Small Pox Dodge — The Message Fin- 
 ished — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. 
 
 Washington, Dec. 10, 1863. 
 To the Editers of the Babook ; 
 
 Surs : — Wen I writ you last, the Messige warn't 
 finished. Wal, sich a time as we had in iinishin 
 that docyment you never did see. The Kernel 
 an I set up all nite long three or fore nites, but 
 it was nigh about onpossibul to get it to suit him. 
 He would get it fixed, an then Seward would 
 cum in an say it was too bold. Then Chase he'd 
 cum in an say it warn't bold enui* ; and finally I 
 telled him to make it as old Duacon Grimes did 
 his oven. He wanted to know how that was. 
 Wal, I telled him it was this way : The Deacon 
 built an oven facin to the North, wen one of his 
 nabors cum along an sed that would never do, as 
 the North wind would blow rite into the mouth of 
 the oven. So the old man turned it around, an 
 put the face to the South. Pretty soon another 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 243 
 
 nabor cum along, an scs he, " Deacon, it will never 
 do to have that oven face the South, for there ain't 
 any wind so blustering as the South wind." So 
 the Deacon turned it around to the West. Pret- 
 ty soon a man cum along, an ses he, " Deacon, 
 don't you know that the worst showers and hurry- 
 canes we have always cum from tlie West ? It 
 will never do to face your oven that way." So 
 the Deacon determined to change it around to the 
 East. He hadn't more than got it dun, before 
 another nabur cum along, an ses he, Si Why, Dea- 
 con Grimes, I'm perfectly astonished to see you 
 buildin an oven an facin it to the East. There 
 ain't any wind so sarchin and penetratin as the 
 East wind, an it will blow your fire all out of the 
 oven." " Wal," ses the old Deacon, perfectly 
 discurriged, Ci I'll suit you all ; I'll build my 
 oven on a pivot, an wen you cum along you kin 
 turn it around jest as you want it." "Now," 
 ses I, " Kernel, that's the way to fix your Mes- 
 sige." Ses he, " That is a fact ; the only trubbil 
 is to fix on a pivot on which it kin turn." « Wal," 
 ses I, « that is the easiest thing in the world. Take 
 the nigger for the pivot, an it will suit every 
 man in your party. The only difference between 
 'cm is, that some don't like to look hin square in 
 the face. That sort kin turn your Mcssige around 
 a little, an then they will see the nigger side- 
 
•244 LETTERS OF 
 
 ways; and those that can't stand that kin turn it 
 clear around, an then they will see the nigger in 
 the back, but it will be nigger all the time !" 
 The Kernel sed it was a capital idee, an he ment 
 to carry it out. It got noised around that the 
 Kernel was comin out with some big thing in his 
 Messige, an every Congressman, wen he got to 
 Washinton, run rite to the White House to give 
 the Kernel advice. They nigh about run him 
 to deth. " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, make be- 
 lieve you're sick." " Sho," ses he, "that won't 
 do a bit of good. I've tried it often, an they 
 bore me wus than ever." "Wal," ses I, "tell 
 'em you've got the scarlet fever, an that will 
 scare 'em away." The Kernel sed it was a fust- 
 rate idee, an so it was announced in all the papers 
 that the President had the scarlet fever ; but i' 
 didn't do much good. Sum staid away, but the 
 crowd yet was tremenjus. " Now," ses I, " Ker- 
 nel, this is too bad ; here it is almost time for 
 Congress to meet, and no Messige dun yet. Jest 
 let the reporters announce that you've got the 
 small-pox, an there won't be a mother's son of 'em 
 cum within gunshot of you. Then you kin fh 
 your Messige, put in that patent pivot, and grease 
 things up generally, so they'll run another year 
 without teching." The Kernel sed there was no 
 other way than to do it. When it got out that 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 245 
 
 the Kernel had the small-pox, you never see sech 
 a calm. The White House was nigh about de- 
 serted, an it seemed like a Sunday up in Maine. 
 The Kernel then set rite down to his Messige, an 
 worked like a bcever. He sed he could allers 
 soon put a thing in shape after the foundashin 
 timbers w T ere laid. And so he did. Wen he got 
 it finished, he called Seward and red it to him. 
 He sed it was capital. Then he sent for Chase, 
 an he sed it was all rite. « No," ses I, " Kernel, 
 send for a War Dimmycrat, an see how T he'll like 
 it." Wen I sed this, the Kernel laffed rite out. 
 Ses he, " Majer, you're jokin ; I know you are." 
 Ses he, " The War Dimmycrats remind we of a 
 story about bar-huntin out West. Old Josh 
 Muggin had a young dog wich was very fierce 
 for bars. So one day he tuk him along in a hunt. 
 In the very first fite the bar bit the dog's tail off, 
 and away he run yelpin an barkin like mad, an 
 Josh could never get his dog to fite bars after 
 that. Now, it is jest so with the War Dimmy- 
 crats. They were very fierce to fite me if I issued 
 my Emancipashin Proclamashin, but I did it, an 
 by so doin, I cut their tails off, and they have never 
 showed any fite agin me sence, an they won't. No 
 — I rally wish I hadn't eny more trubbil on hand 
 than the War Dimmycrats will give me." 
 
 Ses 1, " Kernel, 1 think you are rather hard or 
 
•246 LETTERS OF 
 
 the War Dimmycrats. They supported you be- 
 cause they thought you was tryin to restore the 
 Union ; but now, wen they readyour messige and 
 see that you won't have the Union back enyhow, 
 they will say you deceived 'cm, and you may find 
 : em the most trubbelsum customers you've yet had 
 to deal with. They ment to sustain the govern- 
 ment, but now wen they see that you won't sustain 
 it, they may turn on you wus than the copperheds 
 lave ;" and ses I, " Kernel, you jist get the Dim- 
 mycrat's united, and I shudn't wonder if they 
 wud be after this, and then let all your Miss-Nan- 
 cy Abolishinists look out, for there won't be as 
 much left of em as there was of Bill Peeler's dog 
 after his panther fite." Ses the Kernel, ses he, 
 " How much was that ?" " Wal," ses I, " .Bill al- 
 ways sed there warn't nothin left but the collar 
 he hed round his neck, and the .tip eend of his 
 tale, about an inch long." " Wal," ses the Ker- 
 nel, "I've got to go ahedj no matter who don't 
 like it, or who ffits licked in the fite. I'me in the 
 Abolishin bote, and you can't stop it now eny more 
 than you kin put Lake Superior in a quart bottle." 
 Ses I, " Go ahed, Kernel ; I allers like to see a 
 nan bold and strong on his own principles. 
 There's nothin like pluck. Let everybody know 
 jist what you mean, and then if they support you 
 it is their own fault," " Wal," ses he, "ain't I 
 
MAJOR jack downing;. 247 
 
 plain enuf this time ?" " Yes," ses I, " Kernel, 
 all but the amnesty part — that's kinder petty- 
 fogy." " Wal," ses he, " Majer, men that can't 
 see a hole through a ladder ought to be hum- 
 bugged." Ses I, " Mebby that's so, but we shall 
 all know more about who is humbuo^ed and who 
 isn't, after the war is over." 
 
 But I never did see people so tickled over the 
 Messige as the Republikins all are. They say it 
 is jest the thing — that it is goin to wipe out 
 slavery, and prevent the " Union as it was" ever 
 being restored ; and then it is dun so cutely that 
 a good menny people won't see through it. That 
 amnesty dodge throws dust in their eyes, and 
 kinder sounds generous like. 
 
 There's a great fite coming off among the Abo- 
 lishinists about who's to be run for next Presi- 
 dent, and I think I'll hev some news for you afore 
 long. Enyhow, I shall keep my eyes open as 
 
 ushil. 
 
 Yourn, till deth, 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
248 LETTERS OF 
 
 LETTER XXX. 
 
 The Major visits Parson Blair — The Loyal Leagues of the White 
 House — A Wonderful Dream — The Grave of the Union — The 
 President Don't Like It — About Leather — How the Capital 
 Looks. 
 
 Washinton, Jan. 30, 1864. 
 To the Editers of the Dabook : 
 
 Surs : — I spose your readers think I'm dead, or 
 mebby they think I've run away with a pile of 
 greenbacks, as that is kinder fashionabul now- 
 a-days ; but I aint in neithur fix. The rale truth 
 is that after I writ you my last letter I got com- 
 pletely disgusted and cum mitey nigh goin back 
 hum to Downingville, and vowin 1 Avould never 
 return to this sink of sin agin. But the Kernel 
 got at me and begged I wouldn't think of it. I 
 telled him I couldn't stay in the White House 
 over New Years, and see the knaves and fools that 
 would be there then. So jest before Christmas, 
 as good luck happened, old Fathur Blair axed me 
 to go down to his place at Silvur Springs and 
 stay ovur the hollidays. I tell you I was rale glad, 
 fur the old man has got a fine place, and I could 
 have it so quiet and cozy there aftur my hard work 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 249 
 
 ovur the message. When I got there I was tuk 
 down with the rumatiz, and had to keep my room 
 for more than two weeks. Howevur, the Kernel 
 sent me some prime old rye, and that, together 
 with some operdildock that old Aunt Keziah Wig- 
 gleton sent to me by my nefu Zeke put me on my 
 pins agin. Old Father Blair and I had long 
 talks about Ginneral Jackson and the Kernel, the 
 war, niggers, the next presidency, and so on. M} 
 old friend Blair was a grate man in Ginneral 
 Jackson's time, but the trubbel with him now is 
 that he don't move along with the world. He 
 actually thinks, that he is yet fitin Calhoun, an 
 havin got in the bote with the Abolishenists, he 
 don't know how to get out. Last week I cum 
 back to see the Kernel, and have been looking 
 around for a few days to see how the land lay. I 
 find that the principel idee in everybody's hed is, 
 who's to be the next President. But I tell you 
 when I look at the condishun of the country, it 
 makes me sick to talk about a President. What 
 is the use of a President when there's a standin 
 army ? What is the use of a President when the 
 ballot-box aint of half so much account as the 
 cartridge-box? The first day I got back to the 
 White House there was a lot of Loyel Legers 
 and shoddy contractors cum to tell the Kernel 
 that they had nominated him for President. 
 11* 
 
250 LETTERS 01 
 
 After they went out Linkin ses to me, ses he, 
 " Majer, what do you think of them fellows ?" 
 " Wal," ses I, " they look to me mean enough to 
 steal niggers." The Kernel did not say anything, 
 but looked kinder cross-eyed at me. The Kernel 
 and I then had a long talk about matters and 
 things, and after taking a good swig of old rye, 
 went to bed. That nite I had a wonderful dream. 
 The next mornin, when I went in the room where 
 the Kernel was, ses he, " Majer, you look oncoin- 
 mon serious this mornin ; what's the matter ?" 
 " Wal," ses I, " I had a wonderful dream last nite, 
 that eenamost frightened me to deth." "Wal," ses 
 he, "what on earth was it?" " Wal," ses I, " if 
 I tell you the hull of it jest as it appeared to me, 
 youmusn't get mad." " Oh," ses the Kernel, " I 
 don't keer notbin about dreams, for I allers inter- 
 pret them by contraries." " Wal," ses I, " you 
 can cypher out the meanin of it yourself to suit 
 yourself, but I'll tell it to you jest as it ap- 
 peared to me, and it seemed to me as plain as if 
 it was broad daylight." "Wal," ses I, "I 
 thought I was in the grave-yard, and there was a 
 great big grave dug, large enough to hold four or 
 five coffins, and while I was standing there won- 
 derin what on earth the grave was for, I saw a 
 big black hearse comin, and Stantin was driving it. 
 That kinder startled me ; but I looked agin, and I 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 251 
 
 see it was bein drawn by them War Dimmycrats, 
 Dickinson, Butler, Meagher, Cochrane, and the 
 hearse itself was marked i War Dinimycracy.' 
 When Stantin druv up to the grave, ses he, 6 My jack- 
 asses had a heavy load, but they pulled it through 
 bravely,' for the poor War Dimmycrats had heads 
 of men on the bodies of mules. I wondered what on 
 airth could be in the hearse, for it seemed to be heav- 
 ily loaded. Right behind the hearse, walkin along, 
 were you and Sumner, and Greeley, and Chase, 
 and Beecher, and old Grandfather Welles. Pretty 
 soon you all went to work takin out the coffins, 
 and gettin ready to put thein in the grave. The 
 first one tuk out was marked ( habeas corpus,' the 
 second one < trial by jury,' then < the Union,' and 
 then 6 the Constitution.' When they were all 
 out on the ground, some dispute riz as to which 
 should be' buried first, but Greeley cut it short by 
 saym, 6 put the Constitution under, and all else fol- 
 lows.' So Greeley got the rope under one end of 
 the coffin and Sumner under tho other, and be- 
 gun to let it down. While it was goin down, you 
 looked kinder anxious at Chase, and ses you, 
 'Chase, think it will stay down?' And old 
 Greenbacks, ses he, ' My God, Kernel, it must stay 
 down, or we will all go up. 9 Greeley was tickled 
 eenamost to death, and ses he, < We shall bury it 
 now so that it shall never be heerd of agin. 5 Old 
 
252 LETTERS OF 
 
 Grandfather Welles, however, seemed half fright- 
 ened to deth, and trembled like a sick dog, and 
 ses, ' Oh ! that it was all over.' Sumner was wrathy 
 at this, and ses he, "Shut up, you old fool ; wait 
 until it is all under. 5 And there, too, stood 
 Beecher, with a nigger baby in his arms, lookin 
 up to heaven and prayin all the while, as follows : 
 'Oh! Lord, not thy will but mine be done.' Fi- 
 nally, all the coffins were put in the grave and 
 covered up. I wondered where Seward could be 
 all this time, and lookin up, there he was, flyin 
 through the air with wings, and tails, and horns, - 
 lookin for all the world like an evil spirit, and ses 
 he, " If 'twere done, when it is done,' just as if he 
 was afraid that a day of resurrection was comin. 
 I tell } r ou, it made me feel sorrowful and sad. 
 when I saw the old Constitution and the Union 
 put under the ground, out of sight, and when I 
 woke up, my eyes were full of tears, and I felt 
 more like cryin than I have sence I was born." 
 
 After I got thiu, ses I, ;< Kernel, what do you 
 think of my dream ?" He looked down on the 
 floor, and then looked up, then he looked 
 down agin and then he looked up. I see he 
 was kinder worried, so I said nothin. Finally, 
 he kicked his slipper oif, and ses he, " Majer, do i 
 you know what good lether is ?" " Wal," ses I, 
 
MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 253 
 
 " Kernel, I used to know something about lether." 
 " Wal," ses he, " what do you think of the lether 
 in that slipper. Is it good?" " Yes," ses I, " I 
 think it's pretty good." " Wal," ses he, " what 
 kind is it?" Ses I, "It's calf-skin." « Wal," 
 ses he, " kin you tell me whether the calf loas a 
 heifer or a steer '/" "No," ses I, " I can't." " Wal," 
 ses he, " I'm in jist the same fix about your dream. 
 It is a good dream, but I can't tell whether it's 
 a heifer or a steer. But I ruther reckon it's a 
 steer /" 
 
 " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, you may think that 
 my dream don't amount to any thin, but there are 
 thousands of people who will see in it the fate of 
 their country." 
 
 He didn't seem disposed to talk about it, how- 
 ever, and I let it drop. Since then I've been over 
 to the Capitol once or twice, and looked around 
 Washington a leetle. I never sec such a change 
 in a place since I was born. It's dirtier, nastier, 
 and meaner lookin than ever. In fact, it is just 
 like the country, all goin to ruin. If the devil 
 is ever happy, I think he would be nigh about 
 tickled to deth now-a-clays. I guess everything 
 is goin on to suit him to a fracshin. I kin tell 
 you one thing. There is goin to be a bigger fite 
 between Linkin and Chase for President than most 
 
254 LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 
 
 pepil suppose. So look out for the niusick ahed. 
 I shall keep a watch on all the doins, and write 
 you when the rumatiz, like the greenback market, 
 aint too stringent. 
 
 Majer Jack Downing. 
 
 34 Oj 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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