NO PL,AYS EXCHANGED. pJ^AHCR'5 Edition WEST OF OMAHA Price, 15 Cents Class _E33503_ Book_Mll5W5- CoipghtN" L5^7 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT West of Omaha A Farce in One Act By RACHEL BARION BUTLER ' Oh, what a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive." BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1909 '5 3503 West of Omaha CHARACTERS Ralph Knickerbocker, an artist. Sherwood Ainslee, his frieiid. Mr. Ephraim Styles, Knickerbocker' s uncle. Charlie, a negro house man. Mrs. Alexander Van Newberg, rich and aristocratic, RowENA Van Newberg, Jyer stepdaughter. Violet Arnold, her daughter by her first marriage. Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. ©Ci.D ^^'^ West of Omaha SCENE. — Ralph Knickerbocker's studio on a morning in early April. A large room, over-furnished with useless articles of artistic value, and ufiderfurnished i?i such co?n- modities as chairs, tables, etc. At back two windows. To L. is a door leading to a public hall. To r. a door lead- ing to an inner roojn. Studio easels, a modeV s stand, over 7vhich are flung a number of pieces of rich draperies. The room hints at luxury pleasingly combined with Bohemian disregard of convention. {At rise of curtain the stage is empty. Presently a knock is heard at door L. There is no response. The knock is repeated, loud and long. After a pause, Sherwood A ins- lee appears from door r. He is wrapped in a lounging robe and his hair is tumbled. He yawns profusely as he crosses to door l.) Sherwood {around a yawji). Who's that ? Charlie {without). Yer's yo' mail, Mistah Sherwood. Sherwood {yaiuning). Ya-a-a — h ! Wait a minute, Charlie. {He opens the door and takes the mail.') Postman just come ? Charlie. Law ! Mistah Sherwood, he's been an' gone, long •go. Sherwood. What time is it ? Charlie. Mighty neah on to 'leven 'clock. Sherwood {tinconcernedly). Is it, indeed ? That'll be all, Charlie. Eh? What ! A thirst so early in the morning? Charlie {appearing, leani?ig against the door jamb). It's jes' this way, Mistah Sherwood. These spring mo'nings I cu- tainly feels the need o' a little stimulation, so I jes' takes some whiskey Sherwood {interrupting hi?fi). Here, Charlie {givi?ig him money from his pocket), when you begin to argue I'd rather pay the price than to listen to your demonstration. 4 WEST OF OMAHA Charlie. Thank yo', Mistah Sherwood, thank yo', sah. Yo' a* cutainly a gen' man, sah. Sherwood. Oh, all right, all right ! (^He closes the door ; looks over letters.) Mr. Ralph Knickerbocker, Mr. Ralph Knickerbocker, Ralph Knickerbocker, Esq. Bills, I'll bet ! For Mr. Ralph Knickerbocker, scented. (^He sfiiffs it.) A lady, my dear Ralph? — and ''Ralph Knickerbocker," una- dorned before or behind. (^With conviction.) Uncle Eph ! Hi ! Ralph ! Ralph ! my love ! Uncle Eph's ponied up. Here's his little billy-dux along with some little billy-bills which uncle's extra hundred will help pay. Ralph {appearing at door r.). What are you bawling about, my young friend ? Sherwood {ivaving the last letter). Uncle Eph ! Ralph. No! Not really? Sherwood. Yep ! open her up. Here, before you do it, I'll bet you my last quarter it's for a hundred. Ralph. I'll not bet a cent till I lay eyes on the check. It's too serious a matter. {^Feelifig in his pocket.) Besides I haven't a quarter, I've only a dime. Sherwood. Well, to it, my boy, open her. (Ralph slits the e?welope and draws out the contents. He unfolds it, shakes it, looks in the envelope. On his and Sherwood's face appears a look of pained surprise. He repeats the entire performance, then shakes his head.) Ralph. Nothing doing. Sherwood. Maybe he forgot the check. Ralph {dryly). Yes, I think he did. Sherwood. But will send it later. Read what he says. Ralph {reading). " My dear Nephew : Yours of the sec- ond instant received. Feel your allowance must serve you for this month. As regards continuance of said allowance, I feel forced to advise you.- You have had unbridled rein for several years for the pursuance of your art, but juries seem to fail to recojgnize your genius. Your only course, therefore, seems, to me, to be a rich marriage. Apply your allowance to the pur- suit of a new mistress and I feel your success is assured. I will assist you to the extent of my ability and can introduce you to several eligible parties. One I have already in mind, and will come to town soon for the purpose of introducing you to her. Beyond using my influence toward your marriage, I WEST OF OMAHA 5 must beg you to not rely upon me for the future. Your very affectionate uncle, Epbraiui Styles." Sherwood {zvhistling a long, long whistle). Your very af- fectionate uncle, Ephraim Styles. Ralph. Yes, he loves me as the spider does the fly. I call that damnable ! Old miser ! Sherwood. It gives me a sinking feeling in my tummy, Ralph. Ralph. That's nothing to what your tummy will feel before the next allowance comes in. Speaking of stomachs, is there anything to eat? Sherwood ingoing to a carved cabinet and iiivestigating). Three dry rolls and some coffee. Ralph. Ha ! eat, drink and be merry, for to-morrow — why, to-morrow — there will be no dry rolls or coffee. Sherwood. And 1 gave that beggar Charles a dime for '* stimulation." Ralph. Extravagance, my boy, is the root of all hunger. You can buy a dozen rolls for a dime. Sherwood. And two dozen if they're dry. {^He gets out gas stove, coffee-pot, etc., aiid proceeds to pre- pare breakfast. Ralph assists spasmodically, finally subsiding into a chair from which he has removed a num- ber of odd articles. ) Ralph. Uncle Ephraim be — damned ! It's an awful thing to be looking matrimony in the eyes. Sherwood. Kind of thought you had impulsive tendencies of your own volition in that direction lately, my boy. Ralph. It's a very different matter, running your own head into the noose from being lassoed. Sherwood. Oh ! speaking of the fair unknown, methinks there is an epistle somewhere amongst that mail — pearly pink and scented. Ralph {risins^ impatiently). Well, why in the name of grass didn't you say so? Sherwood. I'm neither a carrier dove nor Cupid's little messenger, my dear boy. Look out for your own mail. Ralph {ope nins^ letter ; reading). Oh, Lord ! Sherwood. Has she eloped with a handsomer man ? That'd be easy enough. Ralph. Her mother's home from her honeymoon. Sherwood. Whose mother ? 6 WEST OF OMAHA Ralph. Violet's. Sherwood. Violet being the adored one ? Ralph. Urn — huh! {Still reads. ^ Sherwood. How old is the lady if her mother's young enough for a honeymoon ? Ralph. Never knew there was any age limit as to eligibility for a honeymoon — anyhow, not from a woman's standpoint. Violet's mollier, some three months ago, took unto herstlf a new lord and master — Mr. Van — Van — something. Oh ! hang it ! 1 can't remember his name. Sherwood. You have met mamma ? Ralph. Good heavens no ! She was on her honeymoon when I met Violet. Violet's been staying with her aunt. And auntie doesn't like 7ne a little bit. She has views as to Violet's marriage, and Fm not in the perspective. She will probably dress me up in all my impecunious glory to mamma and my troubles of the last three months will seem like money from home compared to what mamma will give me. Sherwood. Please don't say money from home. It makes me lonesome. In the meantime,, come to breakfast. The morning repast is laid. Food has a marvelously cheering effect. Ralph. Food ! Yes, but do you call dry rolls food ? Sherwood. V A poor thing, but mine own." And what is Violet's news from the front ? Has mamma been told your awful name and story ? Ralph. Not yet, but soon. Auntie has been more than usually troublesome and can't hold out long before calling on mamma for reinforcements. And now Uncle Ephraim with- draws even my scanty financial props. Oh ! this is lovely ! Sherwood. Have some more coffee ? Ralph. More? I've not noticed any yet. Sherwood. You just put down a whole cup. Ralph. Wliat ! that? I took that for my cup of hot water before breakfast. Sherwood. Well, you make the coffee next time if you don't like mine. Open up your other mail. Maybe it'll im- prove your temper. Ralph. Not likely. They're all bills. Sherwood. Let me have a look. {He looks over re?nain- ing mail.) This has a crest on it. Ralph. If it's not a bill, it's a tailor's advertisement or a new health food. Open it if you want to. WEST OF OMAHA 7 Sherwood {opening and glancing over letter). Ralph, your fortune's made ! Ralph. If it's gold mines, I'm not buying at present. Sherwood. Stimulate yourself with another roll before I begin. Ralph. Well, the worst has come so I guess I can bear up under too much joy. Sherwood {with some excitement'). *' Mr. Knickerbocker, Dear Sir : As I am to introduce my younger daughter this winter and am anxious to make her social success as pro- nounced as possible, I have decided a portrait of her painted by you would make her debut unique. I have been charmed by the many pieces of your work I have seen of late, and am willing to pay a large sum, provided you will assure me yor will not undertake another debutante this season." (You can assure her of that all right.) *' I will call at your studio some time this week hoping to complete the arrangement. Will bring my daughter that we may decide on gown, style of portrait, et cetera. Believe me very cordially, Rebecca Moor^ Van Newberg." Why, aren't you chortling with joy? Ralph. Not at all. It's meant for another man. That'a easy. I'm always getting his mail. Now I've got the trouble of remailing it marked " opened by mistake." Sherwood. Ralph, your young temper seems blasted. If you let this chance go by, you — you — deserve to choke on dry rolls the rest of your life ! Ralph. I may be visionary, my dear Sherwood, but even I can't see golden prospects in another man's portrait order. Sherwood. That just shows you're too visionary to see business when it waves under your nose. Why do you let this be another man's order? Ralph. What do you mean ? Sherwood. She's got you mixed, but she ha.s your address all right, somehow. Well, clinch your bargain before she knows the difference, then paint the portrait and make your- self famous. Ralph. My dear Sherwood, you're dreaming. Sherwood. No, I'm not. The very letter comes in the same mail with Uncle Ephraim's affectionate ultimatum and Violet's joyful news, and you won't see Providence in a letter like t/iat. Good Lord, man ! you remember the story of the darky who prayed " Lord, I don't ask you to send me a chicken. Just tell me where one is, and I'll go get it." Do S WEST OF OMAHA you expect your chicken roasted and served for you ? {There is a knock at the door. Sherwood goes^ opens it, takes in card and reads.) "Mrs. Alexander Van Nevvberg ! " {There is a short pause.) By the lord Harry ! your cliicken/i- served ! Is she down-stairs, Charlie ? Charlie. Yes, sah. Ralph. I can't do it, Sherwood. I'm not good at lying. Sherwood. My dear boy, don't underrate your powers. Just try. Ralph. Well, I'm not a bit keen on the idea. Sherwood. But you'll do it? Ralph {still uncertainly). Well Sherwood. Show the lady up, Charlie, immediately. {To Ralph.) I'm not going to give you time to change your mind. Ralph. You look like Lady Macbeth ! ''Infirm of pur- pose! Give me the daggers." And speaking of Lady Macbeth, are you aware you're still in your lounging robe ? Sherwood {moving, not over fast, toward r.). True, true ! I hasten. Ralph {at window, looking doivn). The unsuspecting victim alights — she is a silken lady somewhat corpulent — and by George ! she has brought the youthful subject with her. Pretty girl, too. Sherwood Well, for heaven's sake, man, you're late giv- ing a fellow a hint. Do I look like receiving youth and beauty ? {He disappears suddenly ittto room at r., then pokes his head out.) Gather up the coffee-pot, man ! We look like a ten cent lunch room. (Ralph gathers up renmants of breakfast, cups, coffee-pot, etc., hurriedly.) Ralph. Hurry up, my son, I'm not anxious to face the enemy alone. I need -you. I am ever one to acknowledge genius, and you'd have been an invaluable assistant to the father of our country whenever he couldn'' t tell a lie. Sherwood {within roojn). I'm going to borrow your blue necktie. Ralph. Oh ! any little thing you fancy ! This is your project and I suppose you must dress the part. Mrs. Van Newberg. {without, at a distance). The third flight too ! dear, dear ! WEST OF OMAHA Q Ralph {a?ixiousIy to Sherwood). Haste ye, nymph ! I'm getting stage fright. Sherwood {ivitJiiti). Buck ii[), buck up ! Ralph {peeping out of door). Delayed on the landing — I neetlii't luive hurried — I forgot the corpulency. Sherwood. How's the young one at close range? Ralph {iooki/i^^ out again). Can't see her. They're coming on up now. Say, where do I belong when " ladie? enter " ? Sherwood {appearing; at door). At the easel, at the easel. "Assume a palette tho' you use it not ! " And for heaven's sake look busy. {He disappears.) Ralph. That's asking too much. I'm not an Irving. What keeps you so long ? Sherwood. Lost my collar button. Ralph. What's a collar button to yonr best friend's nerves? Pin it. Sherwood. Your nerves are all right ; what you want's nerve. Take a brace. Ralph. I'd rather have a bracer. Sherwood. A little stimulation ? Are you at the easel ? Ralph. Yes, but I'd rather have you look and see if I make a good picture. Sherwood. I never knew you to, before. {A knock at the door.) Ralph (Jn stage wiiisper). Sherwood, Sherwood, they're knocking. Sherwood. Well, go open the door. Are you chained by the leg ? Ralph. How can I make a picture at the easel if I open the door? Sherwood. Well, you'll have to. I can't find that button. Ralph {still in stage whisper). What shall I say? Sherwood. Can't you trust a little to insi)iration ? Besides you're facing a woman — she'll take five minutes' handicap be- fore j'^// have to begin. Hurry up, man, they're waiting. Ralph. I'll wait till they knock again. They'll take it for the abstraction of genius. Sherwood. They'll take it you don't keep a servant. Hurry w\). (Ralph goes to door, palette in hand, and opens it. In the 10 WEST OF OMAHA doorway appear Mrs. Van Newberg and Rowena Van Newberg. Mrs. N k'^'H. is breafniess from the climb.') Mrs. Van N. A — a — chair — if you please. Ralph {supplying it by sweeping one clear of things'). Of course. Mrs. Van N. (fooking up despairingly^. And a glass — of water. Ralph. Yes, yes. {Over to r. to get^vater. Z(? Sher- wood,. /// inner room.) Hurry up, Sher, she's a peach. Sherwood {withifi). Damn that i^utton ! Ralph. Pin it, pin it. Sherwood. I've tried, and all I've pinned is my fingers. Ralph {taking water to Mrs. Van N., at l. To Rowena). Is there anything else I can do ? Rowena. Oh, no ! Mamma'll be all right. Only it's irri- tating not to be able to talk even for a few minutes, isn't it, mamma? Mrs. Van N. {gasping). There are times when I wonder if you're as — ingenuous as you look, Rowena. Rowena. There now, you see, you're better. You can talk. Mrs. Van N. {reviving; /^ Ralph). My goodness! Why do you live on the third floor? Ralph. The view is finer — {to himself) and the rent less. Mrs. Van N. What — is a — view to a flight of stairs, Mr. Knickerbocker? Ralph. Yes, Mrs. Van Newberg ? Mrs. Van N. Let me present you to my daughter. Rowena, Mr. Knickerbocker. (Sherwood appears from r.) Ralph {to Sherwood). Sherwood ! Thank the Lord ! Mrs. Van Newberg, allow me to present my friend Sherwood Ainslee, — Miss Van Newberg — Mr. Ainslee. {The introduc- tions arc acknowledged. Ralph, aside to Sherwood.) Pinned ? Sherwood {grumpily). Stung! Mrs. Van N. Did you receive my note, Mr. Knicker- bocker ? Ralph. Yes, indeed, Mrs. Van Newberg. Li fact I was just reading it when your card was sent up. Mrs. Van N. Ah ! then you know the purpose*of my visit? I trust I'm not too late with my debutante. {Archly.) WEST OF OMAHA II Ralph. Not at all, not at all. In fact she's my first de- butante. Mrs. Van N. Why, I thought you painted Hilda Diemster last year. Ralph {seeing his mistake'). ~ Ah ! last year — oh, yes ! But this year, you know — this year, of course not. Ha! this year — of course not. Mrs. Van N. {slightly surprised at his emphasis'). And you understand, Mr. Knickerbocker, I do want Rowena's por- trait to be your only debutante this season. Ralph {very earnestly). Let me assure you, Mrs. Van Newberg, she will be, she will be my only debutante. Mrs. Van N. That is good of you, Mr. Knickerbocker, and I shall appreciate it to the fullest extent. Now, do let me see some of your late work. Sherwood {aside to Ralph). This time your work's a lit- tle too 'Mate." Ralph {to Mrs. Van N.), V/ell, you see, Mrs. Van New- berg, most of my things are out now — on — on exhibition, you know. And it rather strips the studio — as you can see. Mrs. Van N. Oh ! but, Mr. Knickerbocker, anything, any little thing. I am so fond of art ! Ralph {aside to Sherwood). What am I going to do? Sherwood. Get out your old studies and bluff it. When people say they "love art," they don't know a New England rock from a French cathedral. Ralph. Well, then, Mrs. Van Newberg, I shall have to im- pose some of my old student work upon you. {Aside to Sher- wood.) Do you think she can stand the nude ? {They rimunage amongst sketches.) Sherwood. Begin with the still life and make a crescendo. If she can live through your flower studies, she won't know what the nude is when she gets to it. Ralph. Just for that I'll show her all ! Sherwood. Well, please do, if I'm to have the daughter left to my tender mercies. I was never embarrassed before in my life, as you can bear witness^ — but, Ralph, she's a stunner ! She strikes me dumb. Ralph. Still there's no hope it'll be for long. You must pardon me, Mrs. Van Newberg, but these old studies of mine seem to be buried. Ah ! here they are. 12 WEST OF OMAHA (Mrs. Van N. crosses to Ralph at r., where he has drawn out a large portfolio, filled with various studies in char- coal and color. They look over the portfolio. Sherwood approaches Rowena, who stands perfectly self-possessed at L. His gaze is one of rapt admiration for her profile, which she presents to him. He makes several ineffective efforts to speak, opens his mouth and almost begins, then thinks better of it and closes it, much to Rowena' s evi- dent ajnusement, as she watches him out of the corner of her eye. Suddenly she turns on hi?n in the midst of one of his struggles, a7id says fuerrily.) Rowena. For goodness' sake ! say it, Mr. Ainslee. You look as if you'd be so much more comfortable if you did. Sherwood. Comfortable isn't the word. I'd be perfectly happy, if I dared to. Rowena (insinuatingly). I wouldn't let a dare stand in the way of perfect happiness. Sherwood. Well, then (earnestly), you're the most adora- ble girl I ever saw. Rowena (calmly). Is that all ? Sherwood (with an entire retur?i to his usual self -assuraiice). All ! Did you expect a marriage license ? Rowena. Well, if I'm any judge of perfect assurance, you're capable of even that. Sherwood. By George ! I like you. Rowena. And I liked you from the first moment I heard you say stung. Sherwood. Did you hear that? Rowena. I did. What was the matter? Sherwood. Collar button. Rowena. Lost ? Sherwood. Um — um. Rowena. Too bad. I'm sorry. Sherwood. Do you know, you don't look or seem the least like a debutante. Rowena. Thank you, very much. Sherwood. Oh, don't mention it. What for? Rowena. For thinking I don't look like a debutante. Sherwood. But you are one. Rowena. That's bad enough. But if one is a murderer it's quite superfluous to look like one. Sherwood. Is that the way you feel ? WEST OF OMAHA 1 3 RowENA. Like a murderer ? Well, I feel tendencies. Sherwood. Why? RuWENA. I'm sent up for two years at hard society work. If 1 don't marry then Sherwood. Oh ! let's marry sooner ! RowENA (^ignoring liiin). My term is extended indefinitely, and as for a husband, nothing I've seen so far Sherwood. Nothing ? Rowena. I didn't say no man — presents any possibilities of matrimonial escape. Sherwood {^chuckling delightedly). I never saw any girl like you. Rowena. That's merely because you've never been west of Omaha. Sherwood. And you have? Rowena. Ever since I was ten. Sherwood. But why ? Your people are New Yorkers. Rowena. Oh ! I was a spindle-legged, pale little weed, and they sent me West for my health. And there I've grown up. I've slept under the stars and watched snow-capped mountains and ridden ! — I ride in the park now, but to what I've been used, it's like feeding sugar-water to a man that wants roast beef. When I heard you say "stung" just now, I could have fallen on your neck. Sherwood. Why didn't you? Rowena (^demurely). Well, there was mamma. Sherwood. She's busy now. Rowena (^laughing). Poor dear mamma ! When she saw me first ! Sherwood. Saw you first ! Rowena. Yes, she and dad came West on their wedding journey Sherwood. Wedding journey ! Am I dreaming? Rowena. Oh ! I forgot you didn't know. Mamma is my father's wife — and my stepmother. They were married three months ago. Sherwood. I begin to see light. Rowena. And, on their wedding journey, they stopped to see me. Mamma threw up her hands in horror at my way of living — and planned this New York campaign. So here I am • — woe's me ! Sherwood. Are you so very sorry? Rowena. Not so sorry as I was yesterday. 14 WEST OF OMAHA Sherwood. That isn't fair — when niaiuma is looking. RuvvENA. Since I've been home, if you could see the men I've met ! Sherwood. If I could throttle them ! RowENA. Oh ! it wouldn't be necessary to throttle them. A gentle tap on the head would lay them low. And that's what I've got to dance with, and talk with, and flirt with, for two years. Mr. Ainslee, you must ask me to tea sometimes and let me K.sso the teacups and corrall the sugar tongs, or I shall go crazy. Sherwood. Every day — if you will. {They continue their cofiversation.') Mrs. Van N. {who has been looking over studies with Ralph a?id come at last to the nude studies). It seems to me — Mr. Knickerbocker — if you will pardon my saying so — they have very scanty apparel. Ralph. Oh ! you must understand, Mrs. Van Newberg, these are merely studies from casts. The classic Greek, you understand Mrs. Van N. Oh ! I see. Casts — oh ! all the difference in the world. All these must bring back many happy memories, Mr. Knickerbocker. Ralph. The happiest days of my life ! With a regular allowance ' Mrs. Van N. {ponderously arch). The happiest days ! Now, what domestic difficulties I might create, if I should tell that to your wife. Ralph {blankly). My wife ! Mrs. Van N. Don't look so frightened, or I shall really believe you stand in awe of her. I am hoping to meet her soon. I have always heard of her in such glowing terms from Mrs. Henry Martin. Mrs. Martin tells me she's out of town. Ralph {not yet recovered). Yes — er yes, she's out of town — now. {Groaning aside.) A wife. Whose wife? Mrs. Van N. With her mother ? Ralph {aside, mopping his brow). And a mother-in-law ! {Aloud.) Yes, with her mother. Mrs. Van N. Have you a portrait of Mrs. Knickerbocker here ? Ralph. Not now, not now, Mrs. Van Newberg. In fact, I haven't painted her yet. I expect to soon, however, soon. (^To Sherwood.) Sherwood, old man, I want you a'minute. WEST OF OMAHA 1 5 (Sherwood is however quite deaf.) Mrs. Van N. Then of course you'll paint her with the baby. Ralph (Joud and startled'). What baby ! Mrs. Van N. Why your baby, Mr. Knickerbocker. Ralph (aside). A baby ! (Aloud.) Ha! ha! of course, of course, my baby. I was only chaffing, of course, ha ! ha ! (Aside.) Damn Sherwood ! (To Sherwood.) Sher, old man ! Mrs. Van N. (following him). Have you a picture of the baby, Mr. Knickerbocker? Ralph (firmly). No, no, Mrs. Van Newberg, I liaven't a picture of the baby. It's a great pity, but what must be, must, even to a baby's picture. (He almost shouts.) Sherwood ! Sherw^ood (startled). What ! Ralph. Mrs. Van Newberg wants you to tell her a number of things, a number of things and — I'd like to speak to you a moment myself. Will you excuse us? (To Mrs. Van N. and Rowena.) Mrs. Van N. (^r^j-j-/«^/^ r.). Certainly. (. 7b Rowena.) Mr. Knickerbocker seems very eccentric. Ralph (to Sherw^ood at ^^.^ still mopping his brow). I'm married. Sherwood. Wliat ! Ralph. I'm married. At least the other Ralph Knicker- bocker's married, so I am too. Sherwood. Ralph, the heat's gone to your head. Ralph. No, it hasn't. Here, you wait a minute. I tell you I'm married, or Mrs. Van Newberg thinks I am, which is worse. I've got a wife and a mother-in-law, and a baby, and put 'em all together, it's too sudden ! I'll be in a straight jacket countii]g my fingers, in a padded cell, if you don't take this family off my hands. Sherwood. What do you want me to do ? Kill them off? Ralph. I wish I could ! But we'll have to lie them off. You got me into this, now you can pull me out. Sherwood. Oh, hang it, I've got business of my own. Ralph. Lying to the daughter. I've had my eye on you. Sherwood. I haven't been lying. I've been telling the truth for the first time in my life. Ralph. Well, if you don't help me out, I won't do a thing l6 WEST OF OMAHA for you, but cook you up to mamma. I'll give you a past without so respectable an adjunct as a wife. 1 warn you now ! I'm at least a respectable married man. Sherwood. If you're going to give yourself airs on the married line, I'll just cut out. What do you want me to do? Ralph. Lie, lie, like a man. And for heaven's sake don't leave me alone with the old lady again. When do babies teelhe, how soon do they talk, when do they walk ? She wants to know everything. I ought to have read up on babies. It's awful to be ignorant on any subject under heaven, when you want to lie. Novv's your chance, my boy, to break the record at lying and live up to your reputation for a delicate falsifier. You do it so much more aptly than I do. Sherwood. Just indicate the line these prevarications are to be along. How much does she know? Ralph {despairingly). Everything ! She can give me cards and spades on babies ! Sherwood. Oh, shut up, for heaven's sake ! I mean, has she met your wife? Ralph. Please, please don't you say ''your wife" that way. It makes me almost believe it's true. Sherwood. You're mighty particular, it seems to me. Has she met the lady she thinks is your wife? Ralph. Not yet. Sherwood. Has she seen the baby or a picture of it ? Ralph. Don't think so. Sherwood. Does she know your mother-in-law? (Ralph begins to protest.) Well, then, the mother-in-law. Ralph. No, I don't think she does. Sherwood. Why, man, that's easy. She's a mere infant in your hands. Call the lady '*my wife," and the mother-in-law <'my wife's mother," tlie baby we'll have a girl; name Etliel, age three years. The little beggar ought to be over teething by that time. Have you got those facts fixed in your mind, you gibbering idiot? Please don't diverge from those simple statements without notifying me. And now "back to the ladies." Probably they're thinking we're planning a modern hold-up, we've taken so long. Ralph {clutching Sherwood's Shows my weakness for the opposite sex. I meant him, of course. Mrs. Van N. How old is he, did you say? Sherwood {ivith firjnness). Three years old. Mrs. Van N. Three ! Then Mr. Knickerbocker has two babies? (Ralph has just appeared at the door in time to catch Mrs. Van N.'s last speech. He disappears precipitately into the inner room.) Sherwood. No, no ! Only one. {Aside.) 1 wouldn't dare face him with another one, Mrs. Van N. Wliy, Mrs. Martin spoke of the bnby just beginning to walk and talk. \S WEST OF OMAHA Sherwood. Of course, I meant three months, three monf/is, Mrs. Vail Nevvberg. Mrs. Van N. Walking and talking at three months ! Oh, Mr. Ainslee ! Ralph enters cautiously from r. RowENA (J.aui(liiiig). I fear you don't know much about babies, Mr. Ainslee. You seem awfully rusty on the subject. Ralph {who catches Rowena's speech'). Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! I say, Sher, that is a good one. Now isn't tiiis " easy " ? Ha ! ha! Sherwood. Well, since you're the father of this interesting young person, perhaps you'll tell Mrs. Van Newberg how old he is. Ralph. He ! (//z a whisper to Sherv/ood.) Is it a boy? (Sherwood jiods icily.') Why, he is three (Sherwood coughs violently. Ralph begins to see his mistake.) Now, you must guess, Mrs. Van Newberg. Just for fun, you guess. Mrs. Van N. Oh, that's not hard. If he's walking and talking Ralph (/^'^=^>; ".^ ^^^-^"^ Jram.itio aad earnestly presented. Play.i fort^-fiie Sut'es^ ""^ nnpressTon, simply P^CE J5 CENTS. NEW COi\IEDIES. BACHELOR HALL. cAn Original Comedy in Three c/lds. By RACHEL E, BAICER and ROBERT MELVILLE BAKER, AUTHORS OF "MR. BOB," "FOR OXJC NIGHT 0^'LY," "THE CHAPERON," "A KING'S DAUGHTER," "HER PICTURE," "NO MEN WANTED," "BLACK MAGIC," "AN AWKWARD SQUAD," ETC. Eight males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, the same for all three acts. A clever piece, clean, bright, interesting, and sure to make a " hit." Every part a good one. Pinkerton Case, an amateur detective, is a great i)art, and a sure 1 uigh producer. Irish and negro comedy. Strongly recommended. Can be played only on payment of an author's royalty of §5.00 for each performance. Plays a i'uil evening. PRICE 25 CENTS. CHARACTERS: The Hon. Geoffry Myrtleton, Congressman from the Ninth District Leading Comedy Silas JEKVIS \ Mijrtletoii' s constituents from liambletown Character x^jLIsha 1j asset J ExsiGN INlEREDiTH, acting under sealed orders Juvenile PiyKKKToy Ca.se, an amateur detective Eccentric Comedy Vere Lee, an amateur actor and author of the " Fatal Shot " Jurenile j Xiii^ER, the but/er at Bachelor Hall Negro Comedy O'Ivourke, a policeman Irish Comedy BuTTY V \yscK, Myrtleton's ward Snubrette Polly llEYNOLDS, mi ama^ettr actress Souhrettc Mrs. Van Styne, vho has dramatic aspirations Character Claire, her daughter ivho has not Character SYNOPSIS: Act I. —The living room at Bachelor Hall. The great trunk mystery. Act II. — The same. The fatal shot. " Enjoy yourself." Act III. — The same once more. Pinkerton Case. The highest bidder IN HONOR BOUND. c/1 'Drama in One cAd, By SYDNEY GRUNDY. Tv70 males, two females. Costumes, mo"' ^T-x ^>)r '■ r-^' V*^-^^'