^^-v .^^°^ ^^ *' .^^ .. O N O ^^ 0° >^J^Lr% :. '^^0^ : rr.-* aO o^V ^ 0^ sL"^'^ V * Ay r^ 5 « O Other Books by the Same Author The Rosary in Rhyme . . . . $2.50 net Edition Limited to 300 Copies Poems 1.00 Lyrics 1.00 Child Verse 1.00 SMALL MAYNARD & COMPANY Boston, Mass. QUIPS-aUlDDlTS UES FOR THE URI0U5 BY J0HN5.TABB BOSTON* SMALL MAYNARD & COMPANV X907 iJt^HARYaf CONGRESS Iwu CoDtes Received SEP 12 I90f . Copynett ■ntry ClkS^A Wlc, No. COPY B/ Copyright, 1907 By Small, Maynard £f Company (incorporated) To my cousin and namesake, JOHN TABB HEYWARD, and to all who at any time have been my sons in Christ A few verses by way of introduction, in which the author gets even with his critics, his pub- Hshers, and those who trifle with his name — from which latter failing he himself does not seem exempt ! His Present Publishers. Quips and Quiddits Mr, John Lane, of London, publishes, along with my Poems, the Poems of Lord de Tabley; hence A COINCIDENCE THE latest news About the mews ! Lord Tabley And John Tabb, B. Lift up their strain In the self-same Lane. Alas! — but that's The way with cats. ON THE COVER OF JOHN B. TABB'S LATE LONDON VOLUME H IS eyes are dim; And so for him, They thought in London, 'twas enough To bind his book in blind-man's buff. Quips and Quiddits A STRONG DOSE IF brevity be soul of wit, The Boston wag discovered it In saying that my verse fulfils For him the purposes of pills. TO AN ANTE-MORTEM UNDERTAKER WHO EMBALMS ME IN VERSE IF I were dead And yet had read The praise you have applied, Methinks I'd be More speedily A body mortified. And would that now I might avow A spirit quite becalmed; But, truth to tell, I seem to smell The thing you have embalmed. Quips and Quiddits TO MR. ANDREW LANG, WHO SPELLED MY NAME 'TAB' OWHY should Old Lang Sign A compliment to me (If it indeed is mine), And filch my final b? To him, as to the Dane In his soliloquy. This question comes again, — "2 b or not 2 b?" CATNIP THE Critic did not like the food, But found it stale and flabby; Yet strange to say, no other chewed So hard the hapless Tabby. It had a poet of its own. But undertook to gild her — A thing, as well they might have known, That ultimately killed her. Quips and Quiddits And such had been poor Tabby's fate But that some power divine Led it by underestimate To take one Hfe for nine. QUIPS AND QUIDDITS Quips and Quiddits AN OBJECTOR "OOME folk/' the Monkey says, "there be ^ That claim descent from mine and me; But I respectfully dechne Such compliments to me and mine." Quips and Quiddits o IN CHICAGO F forthcoming weather no prophet have they, For the ground hog is there to be seen every day. Quips and Quiddits INGERSOLL'S DILEMMA OAYS Bob to the Devil, ''I do not believe ^^ In the doctrine of hell — nor in you!" Says the Devil to Bob, " You must, or be damned I'' Says Bob, "I'll be damned if I do!'' Quips and Quiddits QUEEN BESS OR praise or obloquy is hers, As history has viewed her To some a 1-der she appears, To others but a 2-dor. Quips and Quiddits A DISCONCERTED CONCERT B ULL father frog Was on the log, While many a little fellow Around the pool Upon his stool Sat learning how to bellow. A turtle near, Whom all did fear, — An enemy to noises — His head upsent, And down they went To drown, alas, their voices. Quips and Quiddits WOOL-GATHERING O BRIAR-BUSH! how beautiful! May I a little blossom pull For memory to keep? ''To take it, sir," she said, "you're free; But know it didn't bloom on me, — I got it from a sheep." Quips and Quiddits THE SECRET / TO a Dimple said a Frown, *'I would give you half a crown, To teach me how a compliment to win." To the Frown replied the Dimple, "Why the trick is very simple: — Dance on tiptoe all around the mouth and chin.' Quips and Quiddits AN IMPROVEMENT THE knights of old, As we are told, Each bore a weight of mail. But they were slow; And letters go Much faster now by rail. '^;/4i""' Quips and Quiddits CORN-COB OU look, like Grandpa, very old; Y And that is why, no doubt. Your skin is shrivelled by the cold, And all your teeth are out. Quips and Quiddits THE YARDSTICK THE laziest of all things strong, The Yardstick seems to me, For, with three feet, twelve inches long, No step alone takes he. Quips and Quiddits THE SNORER \ LONG her slumber-shodden way -^ ^ The Nightmare goes cavorting; The rider sleeping, strange to say, In spite of all her snorting. He should, I think, for others' sake, Prevent her, if he's able. From keeping all the world awake, Or put her in the stable. Quips and Quiddits WHAT'S IN A NAME? A PIOUS prelate used to ride A donkey which, alas, — His patience being often tried — He called Eu-damid-as : — A name he emphasized or not, As grew his temper cool or hot. Quips and Quiddits A PERPLEXITY IN a piece of woollen cloth, Lived a maid and mother moth, But to both it was a bother. Which was moth and which was mother. Quips and Quiddits TROUBLED WATERS O WATER, when I put you here, You were as smooth as oil; Why are you now so ruffled, dear? ''I'm troubled with a boil/' Quips and Quiddits A QUESTION OF TIME WHEN Time was young, he must have had A lovely suit of hair, And it is very, verj^ sad To see his skull so bare. But since he's able still to mow, And strong enough to dig, I wonder why he doesn't go And get himself a wig. Quips and Quiddits AN INCUBUS SOBBED the Blotter to the Ink, "Though your every word I drink, Your broken hues alone are my reward." "The truth/' said he, "you've spoken; And no wonder they are broken When you press me so incessantly and hard." Quips and Quiddits THE TUMBLE-BUG IN Egypt of old You were sacred, I'm told; How fell 3^ou in man's estimation? "Each dog has his day, And each Bug, I dare say, Takes his turn with the rest of creation." Quips and Quiddits AN AVERSION THE apple-tree Is not to me A thing of special joy: It did deceive my mother Eve, And often pain her boy. And as to her, I must aver I've had a mind to chide her When, racked with pain, I've wished in vain My apples were in cider. Quips and Quiddits A MIXED MARRIAGE OAID Tom to Pussie, "Out of nine, ^ Eight lives I'd give to make you mine." "Alas," said Pussie with a tear, "I'd not so long outlive you, dear!" Whereat, with plighting paw and purr, Nine lives to nine united were. Quips and Quiddits THE MAN IN THE MOON THE Night is gloomy and forlorn Until her baby Moon is born, But long he does not stay; For, though he's very pale and slim, A fortnight makes a man of him, And then he goes away. Quips and Quiddits IN THE AUTHOR'S LIBRARY TO see, when he is dead, The many books he read; And then again to note The many books he wrote — How some got in and some got out, 'Tis very strange to think about. Quips and Quiddits POLITENESS THE Turtle met the Terrapin, And, as they were the closest kin, Each asked the other with a grin, To take his top off and come in. Quips and Quiddits A MOUTHPIECE WHY is the baby crying? You must have scared or hit him. "No, grandpa, I was trying If your false teeth would fit him." Quips and Quiddits OBSCURITY TO his father said a bunny, "Don't you find it rather funny That we know so very httle of our race?" "What's behind is a tradition," Said the sire, "that tail-omission Makes it utterly impossible to trace." Quips and Quiddits PINCHBECK TO jewels her taste did incline; But she had not a trinket to wear Till she slept after taking quinine, And awoke with a ring in each ear. Quips and Quiddits A SAINT'S INFIRMITY YOUR father's deafness — was it cured When he Saint Anthony implored? "No," said the child, "'twas not to be: Saint Anthony was as deaf as he." Quips and Quiddits A MISTAKE HOW have you the heart, Bumble Bee, To sting a little boy like me? '"Tis not the heart, my little friend, Fm using; but the other end." Quips and Quiddits FASCINATION MONG your many playmates here, Why is it that you all prefer Your little friend, my dear? A "Because, Mamma, tho' hard we try, Not one of us can spit so high. And catch it in his ear." Quips and Quiddits UNSTATIONARY STATIONERY THE Wax waxed hotter and hotter Till the Seal took his seat on her back, And the Pen wiped his foot on the Blotter, And laughed at them both from the Rack. Quips and Quiddits A RASH JUDGMENT HE sat beside the well, And leaning o'er the brink, Down to the bottom fell And died, they thought, of drink. But when they raised the trunk To dry it on the grass, They found the water drunk, But he quite sober was. Quips and Quiddits IN ACCORD THE Mocking-bird gulps down the worm And straight begins to sing. I wonder that he doesn't squirm To swallow such a thing — A sort of fiddle-string, no doubt, That helps to bring the music out. Quips and Qiiiddits FACIAL LATITUDE HOW far the lip below the nose, 'Tis very hard to saj^; But every indication shows It is miles, it's miles away. Quips and Quiddits A FOOT-RULE B IPED, or Quadruped, Two feet or four: That's the standing rule of feet All the world o'er. Two feet, or four feet, Never one or three. ''Nay," said the Yard-stick, "Don't forget me!" "Ho!" cried another voice, A one-foot thing, "I'm the Rule of Measurement; 'Every inch a King.'" Quips and Quiddits A MARK OF TRUE GREATNESS E used to sit beneath this tree. And sometimes on the Umb, Where the impression that you see Shows just the size of him. %% ''''-id ^ Washington's Tree at Doughoregan Manor, Howard County, Maryland. Quips and Quiddits FROM ABROAD HE wrote that through Finland, While journeying inland, The Fins, but no fishes he found. But in Lapland, he said, He was seldom misled For lapfuls of babies abound. Quips and Quiddits THE TOAD AT twilight from his dark abode Leaps forth the wart-besprinkled Toad: He does not like the day; Nor would we, either, if like him. We were repulsive, moist and grim, Be fond of self -display. Quips and Quiddits A DIVERSION HOW doth the httle busy bee Improve each shining hour?" Alas! I hope not as it came to pass WheUj of the hour forgetful, he Was busily "improving" me. Quips and Quiddits THE HERMIT "/^OME," throbbed the Thumb ^^ To the other four Fingers, **In a glove let us shove While the icicle lingers; *'Tho' the weather together Keeps each near his own. In a small private stall I must winter alone." Quips and Quiddits A DEPRIVATION CAN you, sweet roses, ever take A breath of other roses? "Alas, your nosegay we can make, But none of us have noses." Quips and Quiddits A HOUSE OF REFUGE ALL down into their mother's throat The httle sharks from danger float; And there it is that they remain Dry-sheltered when it comes to rain; For by sea-doctors they are told Fresh water's apt to give them cold. Quips and Quiddits UNDERSIZE THE flea a dog may bite And not again be bitten: The bee a bull may smite, And yet escape unsmitten. For stronger foes are put to flight By enemies too small to fight. Quips and Quiddits A FOOT-NOTE FROM Bunyan Pilgrim's Progress came As essence from an onion; And, by reversion of the same, From pilgrim's progress, — bunion. Quips and Quiddits H THE PRODIGAL ISSED the father, "Let him go! Though I very well do know That a gosling from the ganderdom let loose, Will, within another year, Make it manifestly clear That he has but grown to be a greater goose." Quips and Quiddits VALUATION PRAY tell me how you estimate The wolf," I asked a lamb. "My own opinion, sir, to state, He is not worth a dam." Quips and Quiddits TO MY SHADOW YOU skulked behind me like a hound, And now you run before. ''But, master, if you turn around, I'll get behind once more." Quips and Quiddits A MUSICIAN'S TRIAL THEY brought him up before the Judge. "What is the fellow's crime?" "Your Honor, he has murdered Scores, And boasts of beating Time." Quips and Quiddits TREASURE-TROVES WHAT are you doing, Butterfly?" Inquired the Honey Bee. "You seem as fond of flowers as I, And yet I do not see What benefit you gain thereby. '* "Ah, gentle Sir," said she, "Be yours the profit they supply, And mine the poetry." Quips and Quiddits A CHANGE OF PARTS WHEN Barrel-organs with us stayed, The Monkey danced, the Master played : But comes the Pianola, And now the Monkey has a chance To play, and make the Master dance, From Bath to Pensacola. Quips and Quiddits THE SANDPIPER OF birds he is the most pohte; For, be it foe or friend, To every one that comes in sight He bows at either end. Quips and Quiddits HEAD-STRONG ^////^ QAID the Goat to the Ram, ^ "Ring-leader I am Of this flock in whose pasture we run/' Said the Ram with a strut, "We may prove it so — but — But — two heads are better than one." Quips and Quiddits THE MOUSE AND THE ELEPHANT I TELL you, if you don't obey, I'll run right up your snout." ''Well, I will do whate'er you say — But, man alive! keep out." Quips and Quiddits HIGH-BORN SO far her head above her feet That when the lady takes a seat The interval 'twixt hip and knee The length of Lapland seems to be. Quips and Quiddits ACCOMMODATING SPARE, spare me!" cried the Snail, As the Sparrow pounced upon it. Then the other shook his tail — "Sparrowed, would you? Well, I've done it!'* Quips and Quiddits A DISAGREEMENT YOU give me no rest," growled the Patient. ''1 cannot/' retorted the Pill. ''In your stomach to be Is so dreadful to me That I can't for a moment keep still.'' Quips and Quiddits A COMPENSATION A SQUIRREL, while he sprang from tree to tree, Cried to a skunk below, "Pray, look at me: There's no such grace nor such agility As mine, I tell you!" "Nay, friend," the simple creature made reply, "Thy gifts, forsooth, no mortal may deny; But pray remember 'tis my boast that I By far outsmell you." Quips and Quiddits THE BROOK TO THE LAMB LEAP across me, little lamb; -' But I can't invite your dam, Or it would at once, you know, prevent my flowing. "0 how different are we!" Said the lamb, "for, as you see. My dam it is alone that keeps me going." 'Quips and Quiddits JUST THE REVERSE 'V/'OU go to bed at twelve or one, -■- And thus destroy your health, my son." "No, sir," the boy said drowsily, "It's getting up that's killing me." Quips and Quiddits EXIT SAID a corpulent Bubble, "It is my great trouble, This shortness of breath to prevent; But folks over-stout Are advised to go out, So out shall I go," — and she went. I • :' ! ^>^^ ;>*" '"^. '*>> ^'^ Quips and Quiddits SPRING CHIMNEYS TO throats so long in misery Of thirst and parching pain, How welcome must each swallow be That now they take again! Quips and Quiddits THE DIFFERENCE UNC SI, de Holy Bible say In speakin' of de jus', Dat he do fall seben times a day; Now how's de sinner wuss? "Well, chile, de slip may come to aU, But den de difference f oiler; For, ef you watch him when he fall, De jus' man do not waller." Quips and Quiddits A STING " TV ^EN speak/' said the Wasp, "of the provi- i. ▼ J. dent Ant, Because of her miserly taste; But greatly I wonder why see it they can't, That we have as Uttle to waist." Quips and Quiddits A WISH AT night, I'd like to be a bird, In every sort of weather To go to bed and rise again And never change a feather; But in the morning, I'd prefer The life I now enjoy; For what would satisfy a bird Would never fill a boy. Quips and Quiddits A BACHELOR HEN UPON the nest she was a hen, But higher aims induced her To get upon the roost; and then She found herself a rooster. Quips and Quiddits IRONY IT is one of Nature's wrongs, " Sneered the Shovel to the Tongs, '^To have led your legs so very far astray.'' "Ah, she made us both in haste," Observed the Tongs, "and from your waist, She has nicked your neck as far the other way." What the Poker as a joker thought, He didn't dare to say. Quips and Quiddits A FAMILY FAILING SNEEZED the Pepper, ^'Sister Salt Bids me say 'tis not her fault That she's out of place to-day; Turning, just below the Caster, She upset, and the disaster Holds her back in Mustard-plaster That she cannot scrape away." "That trick of turning round she got," Said Vinegar, "from Mrs. Lot.'' Quips and Quiddits CHERRIES O SHARE with us, bird in the tree, The fruit you are taking alone! "You're welcome to half/' He chirped with a laugh, — And thereupon threw me a stone. Quips and Quiddits WITH CHOLERA MORBUS I AM so sick I'd like to be A clock, to have them open me And regulate the jerks, When on the pendulum a Pain Is riding forth and back again, And pulling at my works. '. :;^^.«^u/>...^^.^^^__,HJ^^ Quips and Quiddits DREAD OF JUSTICE SIGHED Dumpling, "Do not put me, please, With Cabbage in the pot. I don't object to boil with Peas; But she, when she is hot. Has such a smell that half you see, Would certainly be laid on me." Quips and Quiddits A CATTLE PLAGUE "TITHAT ails you?" tenderly I spoke ^ ▼ To a dejected calf. He answered, "At a killing joke I'm dying, sir, to laugh. They Httle know, who lightly jest, The agony of fun suppressed.'* Quips and Quiddits A FLEDGLING WHY is it, little chick," I said "That you so ragged go?" "Alas," he answered, "father's dead And mother cannot sew. "She does her very best to lay, Till I have learned to crow; But bread is rising every day, And eggs, alas, are low." Quips and Quiddits MR. DOOLITTLE'S EPITAPH TTVO little he did, and so true to the call -■-^ Was his life, that at last he did nothing at aU. Quips and Quiddits TAMING THE SHREW TURN round," puffed the Wind to the Mill. "I won't!" she replied; and stood still. But he struck her a blow That compelled her to go, And since then she submits to his will. Quips and Quiddits THE SIGNAL "TT THERE are you going, Sleep?" I said. VV "To put a little boy to bed. I told him when he needed me, To nod; and nodding now is he.'' Quips and Quiddits A DEDUCTION T CAN'T, for my Hfe/^ Quacked the Drake to his wife, "Tell which of our children are males." Said the Duck with a smile, " We must wait for a while And observe which have curls in their tails." ^^ik^'r Quips and Quiddits HEART-BROKEN THE Limbs beneath a cruel strain Were sobbing, "Heaven defend us!" Then, snapping suddenly in twain, They cried aloud, "Tree-mend-us!" Quips and Quiddits A BLIND MAN'S EPITAPH IS eyes were dim; so here he hes, Whose death came after his dim-ise. H Quips and Quiddits EMETICS WITH all the battles that he won That brought him world-renown, Imperious Napoleon Could never keep us down. Quips and Quiddits TO A PROPOSED INTERVIEWER AN interview would be to me A sort of an emetic, Or an appendix to be cut Without the anaesthetic; And why expose to public view A man's intestine features? 'Tis outwardly alone we look Unlike our fellow-creatures. Quips and Quiddits FOREDOOMED OF reprobates the beaver seems The saddest in creation, His every instinct kindhng dreams To work for his dam-nation. Quips and Quiddits JUDICIOUS I CANNOT kiss you, Ike/' she said. "Why not?" he asked. Then hesitating, ''Because," she whispered, "I've the pledge — And juleps are intoxicating." Quips and Quiddits INFATUATION EACH day at a dinner of State, His neighbors observed what he ate Was sufficient for three Less determined than he To be reckoned a person of weight. Quips and Quiddits NO STICKLERS TOOTHPICKS!— were ever sticks Less "stuck up" in their way! With upper teeth and those beneath On equal terms are they. Quips and Quiddits A TALE OF REVERSE, or THE REVERSE OF A TAIL ' I ^HE dog that caught the mink -*- Was strolHng down the street, When, quicker than a wink, He chanced a maid to meet, Inhabiting the skin That once his victim wore; But, lo, beneath her chin The tail was now before! "Alas," he sighed, "'tis passing strange How fashion with our fortunes change! '' Quips and Quiddits SYMPATHY WHY are you weeping, little lad? "Because (Boo-hoo!), it makes me sad To see my thumbs (Boo-hoo!) so far From where the other fingers are, — Boo-hoo ! Boo-hoo V Quips and Quiddits THE SENSITIVE LOBSTER HE floundered from the breakers cool Into a boiling pot, Where, thinking some egregious fool Had made the water hot, — Ashamed of such stupidity. He blushed as red as red could be. Quips and Quiddits THE ROOT OF PRIDE OF great-great-grandpapa, I know, My parents speak with pride; But what he did to make him so I never can decide. Perhaps, as sweet potatoes do, 'Twas under ground so great he grew. Quips and Quiddits GOOD ADVICE THE Keyhole quarrelled with the Key Because he said agape was she To whispering suggestion; Then, each appealing to the Door, He counselled them to fight no more About an open question. Quips and Quiddits THE RUN-A-WAY WHERE are you going, Httle Rill? ''Alas, I cannot say! I leaped the fountain on the hill, And ventured forth to play; And now it seems, against my will, I am a run-a-way." Quips and Quiddits EXTREMES MEET THE giant and the baby Present a striking pair; Whatever else the difference, Long clothes alike they wear; While Life, diverted, must admit, They show the long and short of it. Quips and Quiddits CLOSE AS WAX THE miser met the Bumble Bee And asked a drop of honey. "My honey-bag's as tight," said she, "As are your bags of money." Quips and Quiddits A PARADOX I WISH the weather-cock would crow To let his fellow chickens know That weather fair's for maids and men, Fowl weather is for cock and hen. Quips and Quiddits A(N)ICE DISTINCTION ''nr^IS hard for some skaters to stand; but for J- all, Though it's easy to slip, it is harder to fall. Quips and Quiddits THE BLUEBIRD TO THE CANARY AS you're a yellow little fellow, I hope you do not mean To come too near; for blending, dear, Would turn our feathers green. Quips and Quiddits COMPENSATION SHE says of life's remaining joy, To her I am the anchor: 'Tis meet; for when I was a boy, To me she was the spanker. Quips and Quiddits A THREAT " IVJO; Wide-a-Wake," persisted Sleep, i. ^ " I'll not come near you till you keep As quiet as a mouse; And if you stretch your eyelids so, To see if I am here or no, I'll have to quit the house." Quips and Quiddits A TRAGEDY HIS padding was of sawdust, The little Soldier-man Who loved a light-haired lady Doll — A maiden stuffed with bran. Their little hostess never knew That they had each a heart, But lodged them in the baby-house In corners far apart; Till once, in curiosity, She pierced the Soldier-man, Ripped up the maiden Doll, and mixed The sawdust with the bran. X1V>8 Quips and Quiddits A RETORT THE Finger complained of the Toe, And said it was idle and slow; But it answered in scorn, "On each foot I grow corn; What on hand are you able to show?" Quips and Quiddits AN EXCUSE UPON my soul, wicked mole, I'll punish thy misdoing! "0 pardon me! — I could not see The course I was pursuing." Quips and Quiddits SAUSAGE WE are ground, but no more grounded In our family affairs: What is found, is so confounded That no Sausage longer cares To determine how or what he Owes the family of Pork, In the pens of Cincinnati, Of Chicago, or New York. Quips and Quiddits IN AMBUSH TIS well/' the Goat, flea-bitten said, ''You hide where Nature put you: For if you dared to show your head. By Gemini, I'd butt you!" ti^T* A ^^ * O N O ' ^•^ Ay ^ ' » » ^"^i. ** ** ''} / •*^'- "^^ -^'' 4 ,^^ '^^^ ./V WERT B