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 SHOW ME THE MAN 
 
 VAUDEVILLE PLAYLET 
 
 by - 
 
 CLARA ELEANOR WAGNER 
 
 Author of "Cupid in Hell" 
 
 
 
 *' The real dramas of life are not in 
 circumstances but in feelings." 
 
 .J 
 
SHOW M[ THE MAN 
 
 VAUDEVILLE PLAYLET 
 
 by 
 
 CLARA ELEANOR WAGNER 
 
 Author of "Cupid in Hell" 
 
 **The real dramas of life are not in 
 circumstances but in feelings." 
 

 COPYRIGHT JULY 1911. 
 
 BY 
 
 CLARA ELEANOR WAGNER 
 
 All acting rights, both professional 
 and amature, are reserved. 
 Application for the right of per- 
 forming this playlet must be made 
 to Clara Eleanor Wagner, 
 Columbus, Ohio. 
 
 Printed July 1911. 
 
 The Nitschke Press 
 
 Columbus, Ohio. 
 
 TMP92-007592 
 
 ©GI.D 24705 
 
(( 
 
 YAUDEYILLE PLAYLET 
 
 Show Me the Man" 
 
 BY 
 
 Clara Eleanor Wagner 
 
 Copyright July, 1911. 
 (All Rights Reserved.) 
 
 Jane Dickens, a village woman. 
 
 (A man impersonates Jane.) 
 
 Yiolette Glenn, city girl. 
 Italian, street piano player. 
 
 Scene — Hollyhock Place. Time, noon. The 
 kitchen in the Dickens house. The noon sunlight 
 streams through a window on the left. On the other 
 side of the room a table, with a chair near. On the 
 table are tin pans. One is filled with potatoes. A 
 knife near. A bucket of water on table. A dipper 
 with long handle, in bucket. Paper flowers are 
 placed about the room. At back, a door opens into 
 street. Two wooden rockers in center of room. 
 
 3 
 
The elderly Jane Dickens, dissatisfied, sits in 
 rocker. The rocker moves fast and slow, seemingly 
 with her thoughts. She is dressed in very large black 
 and white check shirt-waist suit, with plain black 
 border four inches wide around bottom of skirt. 
 Deep collar and cuffs of black, and white apron. 
 
 Violette, a pretty, slender girl of eighteen, glides 
 gracefully into the room. Violette wears tailored 
 skirt of black, and white waist with sailor hat of 
 latest design. 
 
 Violette — (Bright and smiling.) Oh! Jane, 
 I came to tell you I am the happiest girl 
 in the whole world. I am going to be 
 
 married. (Jane places chair for Violette, who 
 stands with hand on back of chair. Jane sits down.) 
 
 Jane — Did you come all the way to 
 
 (name any town) tO tell me that? 
 
 (Violette walks over and lays her hand on Jane's 
 arm.) 
 
 Violette — Of course I did. I can 
 hardly w^ait. Is'nt it grand? I am not 
 going to marry for money or for a home, 
 but for what makes both — love. What- 
 ever it is, I want it. As young as I am 
 I know that every woman's heart craves 
 love. 
 
 Jane — (Scornfully.) My child, men call 
 
 it admiration. (Jane points to chair. Violette 
 
sits down. They sit near together.) Listen, Vio- 
 
 lette Glenn, you don't know it, but when 
 you say "I do" your troubles just begin. 
 Why do you do it! Why do you do it! 
 
 Violette — I love him so. 
 
 Jane — (Petulant.) Love! What do you 
 know about love? I am not afraid to 
 tell you face to face that you are a silly, 
 foolish girl to leave a good home and a 
 father and mother who just humor you 
 to everything in reason and out of rea- 
 son for a man who like as not will be 
 sassin' you in less than a year. Men are 
 grouchy as sin after the honeymoon is 
 over. Show me! Show me the man 
 that isn't! 
 
 Yiolette — Oh, Jane! 
 
 Jane — Marriage is a yoke, but some 
 people act as if they thought it a joke! 
 Where is the married couple that are 
 not pullin' forty ways? It's just the 
 same as havin' a mule and a balky horse 
 hitched together. The mule stands on 
 his head and the horse on his back legs 
 
until the harness has all gone to smash, 
 and you can't even find the hitchin' 
 strap to tie them up with. 
 
 Yiolette — (Sincerely moved.) Jane yoU 
 
 must be wrong! I cannot, cannot be- 
 lieve it! 
 
 Jane — Show me! Show me the two 
 that go the same gait! One goes the 
 l^ew York City rapid transit gait and 
 the other the Philadelphia funeral march. 
 Things have come to a pretty pass now- 
 a-days ! Folks don't care when or where 
 they may be goin', and don't think any 
 more of breakin' marriage vows than 
 they do china dishes. 
 
 Violette — You do talk the queerest! 
 Why did you get married? 
 
 Jane — A man told me he loved me, 
 and in a moment of weakness I believed 
 him. Come to find out it was only him- 
 self he loved. (Jane rocks very fast.) YoU 
 just be recollectin' one thing, a man can 
 make a real live devil in your heart. 
 
Violette — (Sweetly.) A man can make 
 your heart beat as a drum in Paradise. 
 
 Jane — (Looking at her a moment. Orchestra 
 
 plays "Dreaming.") Oh, dear me! Sweet 
 dreams, dreams, dreams! 
 
 Violette — Didn't you have any honey- 
 moon ? 
 
 Jane — (Cynically.) Honeymoons are 
 out of date. It's only the dollars that 
 ring true — and keep ringin'. Nothin' 
 like a honeymoon ever come my way — 
 except I dreamed I had one once, and it 
 lasted on and on until we were old, grey 
 headed lovers. Show me! Show me 
 the woman that has had dreams that 
 have not turned out nightmares ! 
 
 Violette — (Walking up and down) I don't 
 
 care if I have nightmares enough to fill 
 all the stables in this town. I won't be 
 a m-i-s-e-r-a-b-1-e old maid — I just 
 won't! I am going to have glorious, 
 loving honeymoon days! 
 
 Jane — (Laughs. That's all right for 
 dreamers, but a lovin' person bores a 
 
practical man. He would find ditch- 
 diggin' fascinatin' if he was comparin' 
 the two. I have seen my man stand and 
 look at the door and then at the window 
 and look as if he w^as goin' to take his 
 final run and jump, as I stood before 
 him for my '^habit" kiss. An over-dose 
 of love is as indigestible as soft-shell 
 crabs and buttermilk — only a fool woman 
 don't know it. 
 
 Yiolette — (Pityingly.) Wasn't he kind 
 to you? 
 
 Jane — (Dryly.) Well, if only seein' a 
 person's faults and makin' them stay 
 home all the time is kind, he was. My 
 man said, ''Be savin', be savin'! Count 
 the pennies ! Count the pennies ! It costs 
 money to go." I was so economical it 
 gave me the headache. I hate bargain 
 and sale! I hate it, I hate it to this day. 
 
 Violette — You made a mistake. 
 What is a man for but to do — and be 
 done by the woman he loves? 
 
 Jane — (Slaps her hands together in imitiation 
 
 of her husband.) He said : ''It's damn fool- 
 
ishness! Damn foolishness! Do you 
 want to break a man up with all these 
 extras? The idea, flowers, books and 
 theater tickets ! You better be doin' 
 something useful that amounts to some- 
 thing. 
 
 Violette — The law gets after the man 
 that doesn't furnish his wife food for the 
 body, but says nothing about her soul. 
 
 Jane — (SatiricaUy.) Just imagine! Vio- 
 lette, the first night I was married my 
 man said: **Jane, you set the alarm 
 clock at 4 a. m. Put it in the dish pan, 
 it will sound louder. "We might over 
 sleep. Those potatoes need plowin' 
 mighty bad." 
 
 Violette — (Laughs.) Did you do it ? 
 
 Jane — Of course I did! Business has 
 put romance on the shelf. It's money, 
 money, money, and work, work, work! 
 
 Violette — Do you know why? A 
 woman's wants are many. I think the 
 women tip the scales pretty even for the 
 men. 
 
Jane — You will have more spmik 
 than most women or you will be lookin' 
 as if you had heart disease in less than 
 a year. Your Jack will dine, read the 
 markets and base ball news, trim his 
 corns and go to bed. 
 
 Yiolette — (Earnestly.) It's a woman's 
 fault if she is not happy. If Jack en- 
 joys base ball, markets and corns, I will 
 too! 
 
 Jane — (Lays her hand on Violette's arm.) If 
 
 nothing can change your determination 
 just don't be forgettin' that the marriage 
 certificate costs one dollar — be sure the 
 man is worth a dollar: worth lovin' I 
 mean. 
 
 Yiolette — Jack says he will always 
 love and sympathize with me. 
 
 Jane — Sure that is the right dope for 
 a woman, given in large doses. (With 
 comic disgust.) Sympathy! Oh, dear me! 
 Sympathy! Many a time when my 
 nerves were a wreck and I wanted to be 
 petted and coaxed up a bit my man 
 
never seemed to see it, but said I had 
 too many notions, I ought to get rid of 
 notions. Did I know old Mrs. Black 
 had the hypo, and White's old horse had 
 the heaves? He would put in the rest of 
 the evenin' kickin' about everything he 
 set his eyes on — just for nothin' at all. 
 If you are bound to marry buy a kickin' 
 strap. 
 
 Yiolette — (Surprised.) A what ? 
 
 Jane — (SpeUs very slowly.) K i c k i n ' 
 S-t-r-a-p. (Jane points one finger.) Show me ! 
 
 Show me the man that is not a born 
 kicker. 
 
 Violette — What do you mean? (Jane 
 
 walks to chair near table and picks up chair and 
 bangs it down.) 
 
 Jane — (Raises her voice.) i^aggin', nag- 
 gin', naggin', scoldin' scoldin', scoldin'. 
 
 Violette — It's the women that don't 
 know how to manage men. 
 
 Jane — (Snappiiy.) All I got to say is, 
 I pity the women that take the contract. 
 Trainin' a husband was not in my line. 
 
My man scolds about his work all day 
 and talks about pigs and chickens at 
 night until in my dreams I can hear the 
 pigs grunt and the old hens cackle. But 
 worst of all he eats onions and drinks 
 beer. 
 
 Yiolette — I can understand why a 
 man would drink cocktails and mint 
 juleps, but not beer. 
 
 Jane — (Shakes her head.) Good land! 
 
 I thought he was my soul-mate. Vio- 
 lette Glenn, you take a few sniffs of that 
 delightful odor on a man's breath and it 
 may not change your love for him, but 
 you will change your bed and room. 
 Listen! My man goes to bed with his 
 overalls on and a corn-cob pipe in his 
 mouth; and the society man with a dress 
 suit and a cigarette, but one man is just 
 as big a fool as the other. If I make a 
 fuss about it he says a poor, over-worked 
 man can't have any pleasure, cries a few 
 whisky tears and is snorin' in less than 
 a minute. Men try to make slaves out 
 of their wives, then set themselves up to 
 
be just, but the whole bunch are frauds. 
 
 Violettc — I don't believe it, and 
 won't believe it! 
 
 Jane — Show me, show me the man 
 that is just to his wife. 
 
 Violette — (Walking nervously about the 
 
 room.) You are a man hater! 
 
 Jane — (Sitting beside kitchen table.) Good 
 
 land! I have been too good to a man. 
 There is a time to speak up, just as there 
 is a time to keep still. I let the speakin' 
 time slip, now I have to go stringin' off 
 to prayer meetin' alone while he is bein' 
 soused up and down in a Turkish bath 
 house. 
 
 Violette — (Walks over and lays her hand on 
 
 Jane's shoulder.) You frighten me ! 
 
 Jane — (With Energy.) It's better to be 
 scared before than after! 
 
 (Street piano or graphophone, off stage, at dis- 
 tance, plays "Goodbye, John." The piano comes 
 nearer and stops under the window — Jane walks to 
 window.) 
 
 Jane — Go! do you hear, go! 
 
(Piano plays on. Jane throws potatoes at the 
 window, hit or miss, one by one. Street piano with 
 orchestra plays fast and furious. As each potato hits 
 the man he howls, but stands his ground. When the 
 potatoes are all gone, she looks around and sees the 
 dipper in the bucket of water and begins throwing 
 water. When it is all gone she turns the bucket 
 upside down. Violette laughs merrily and runs to 
 the window and throws him a piece of money. The 
 man stops playing. Jane and Violette sit down. 
 Jane fans herself with her apron. Looking away 
 from Violette she makes comical faces and smiles at 
 the audience. As she turns her face from the window 
 the street piano man returns and shakes his fist 
 before window, not showing his face. She turns sud- 
 denly and sees him.) 
 
 Jane — (Excited.) What shall I do ? 
 What shall I do ? 
 
 (She takes a bunch of paper flowers and throws it 
 out the window. The man waves them before the 
 window. All is quiet for a minute.) 
 
 Jane — (Fanning and half laughing.) Men 
 
 do beat — a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. 
 
 (Street piano and orchestra play, " Kiss Me, 
 Honey, Kiss Me." The street piano stops playing. 
 Orchestra plays on. The man with the flowers passes 
 and repasses the window. Jane throws a tin pan at 
 him each time he passes. The last time he passes 
 the flowers are pinned to his coat.) 
 
 Jane — (in loud voice.) Beat it ! Beat 
 it ! Beat it ! 
 
 (The man grabs the tin pans and beats them "to 
 beat the band." He tries to keep time with orchestra 
 
drum. Violette laughs. The man goes back to the 
 street piano and plays for a few minutes in the dis- 
 tance. Jane sits on the table swinging her feet, 
 showing her white stockings. She places her hands 
 on her hips.) 
 
 Jane — Did you see nie get the best 
 of him? M-a-y-b-e, I allow my own 
 man to torment me — but that's all. 
 
 (Violette walks over and pull's Jane's dress down.) 
 
 It's blamed little women know about 
 men until they get them. 
 
 V^iolette — There are hundreds of 
 happy marriages! 
 
 Jane — (Laughs scornfully.) A lot of 
 
 make-believes! A woman is always 
 hidin' her feelin's, and a man hasn't any 
 to hide. 
 
 Violette — (Looking up.) Jack could 
 never be cross to me! He is my ideal! 
 I know it! (After a slight pause.) He is the 
 biggest chance Iv'e had yet. Yes, I am 
 his ideal. 
 
 Jane — (Sarcastically.) Ideal Until he 
 
 gets you! (Jane gets down from table.) Vio- 
 lette Glenn, you are not goin' into this 
 
thing without your eyes open. I give 
 you my word, a man is always blamin' 
 his wife for all his troubles; and other 
 women folks are helpin' him along until 
 he is chuck full of self pity. Good lands! 
 It's pretty bewilderin' to a woman the 
 first time she hears her man damn and 
 to hell things. 
 
 Yiolette — (Frightened.) Surely, Jane, a 
 man would never swear before his wife! 
 
 (Both sit down in rockers. Violette puts her 
 handkerchief to her eyes a moment. Jane lays her 
 hands on Violette' s knees.) 
 
 Jane — I believe you're cryin'! We 
 women are sentimental fools! You just 
 make up your mind to take things as 
 they come along at home, but never let 
 your man neglect you before folks, for it 
 is an advertisement to other men to 
 make love to you. There are plenty of 
 men lookin' for the "soul-kiss" that 
 have no souls. 
 
 Violette — (Rising) Listen! My hus- 
 band shall never neglect me — I-will- 
 see-that-he-does-not. I may break his 
 
heart, but he shall never break mine. 
 
 Jane — Show me! Show me the man 
 that don't neglect his wife. (Jane takes 
 
 Violette by both hands and she sits down again.) 
 
 Violette, when the neglectin' begins you 
 just use good common sense and don't 
 be clingin' to Jack, for the more you 
 want his love the less you will get. Let 
 me tell you another thing — don't be 
 hangin' around him in business hours, 
 makin' yonrself a hindrance instead of a 
 help. That will drive any man to drink, 
 or something worse. Don't you forget 
 it! A woman can ruin any man's busi- 
 ness. 
 
 Violette — I just love to go to Jack's 
 office! 
 
 Jane — (With biting satire.) I gave yOU 
 
 credit for havin' better judgment. A 
 man don't always want to be with the 
 one that loves him — sometimes we wo- 
 men don't, either. Anything but havin' 
 a man around under foot when you are 
 cookin' a meal. Do you know how to 
 cook? 
 
Violette — (Shakes her head.) Not very 
 
 much — but Jack does. 
 
 Jane — Learn it! Learn it or you will 
 
 be on your road to Reno. (Orchestra plays, 
 "I Am on My Way to Reno.") 
 
 Yiolette — Jack says he never cares 
 what he has to eat. 
 
 Jane — (in a Loud Voice.) Show Hie! 
 
 Show me the man that don't care what 
 he has to eat! 
 
 Yiolette — (Rising.) Jane, you have 
 been cruelly unjust to men in all that 
 you have said. I don't care what hap- 
 pens, I am going to marry Jack, '^Just 
 
 because I love him so." (Orchestra plays 
 softly, "Just Because I Love You.") I am going 
 
 to take my chance. 
 
 Jane — (Rising.) Show me! Show me 
 the girl that won't take a chance! (She 
 turns to audienc.) I will show you the man 
 
 that will take a chance. (Jane removes her 
 wig. Orchestra plays, "There Will be a Hot Time in 
 the Old Town Tonight.") 
 
 (The Curtain FaUs.) 
 
 18 
 
JUL ir 1^(1 
 
One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
 I IT »'< 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 015 793 139 8