NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 3i^:3i':S:i!3i:;^(3^^f:^&^2^3k:2ii:^^SJ^^ That Box of Cigarettes Slol-i- COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. piays for ^mateur 5l7eatrieals. BV GEORGE T^Z. BKKER, Authorof'^Amatetir Dramas" "The Mhntc Stage" "The Social Stage" "The Dra-aiug' Rooiu Stagey '''Handy Dramas" "The Exhibition Dramas" "A Baker's Dozen" etc, Titlen in this Type are New Plays. Titles in this 'J.'upe are Temperance Plat/s, DRAMAS. /« Four A cis. Better than Gold. 7 male, 4 female cliar. In Three Acts, i>nr Folks. 6 male, s female char. The Flower of the Family. 5 male, 3 female cliar Eniisted fok the Waij. 7 male, 3 fe- male char. ........... My Brother's Keeper.. 5 male, 3 fe- male char Thf. lAtttt'. TtrowH tTtirj, 5 male, 3 female char . . • . ■ In T1V0 A cts^ Above the Cloud«>. 7 male, 3 female ch.ir. One U unci red Years Ago. 7 male, 4 female char Amonc the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female char Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female chnr Down dy the Sea. 6 male, 3 female char Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. The Last L,oaf. 5 male, 3 female char. /// One Act. oTAND BY THE Fla(;. 5 male char. . . I'lie Tempter, 3 male, i female char. COMEDIES AND FARCES. A Mysterious' Dlsuppearance. 4 male, 3 female char. ....... Paddle Your 0\ru Canoe. 7 male ' 3 female char. . , A. Drop too Much, 4 male, i female char A JjittU^ More Cider, 5 male, 3 fe- male char A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 female char Wevbr "^ay Die. 3 male, 3 female char. '.ERinc, THE Elephant. 6 mala, 3 female char The liosTON Dip. h male, 3 female char. The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- male char. ...<,......• Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 4 male. 3 female char We're nil Teetotalers. /, mde, 2 fe- male char ATale Characters Only., \ Close Shave. 6 char. ...«•• A. Public BfnefActor. 6 char. > . . A Sb^ of Troubles. 8 char. .... COMEDIES, etc., continued. Male Characters Only, A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . , Coals of Fire. 6 char . Freedom of the Press. 8 char. . . . Shall Oar Mothers Votf? 1 1 char. Gentlemen of the Jury. 12 char. . . Humors of THE Strike. 8 char. . . . My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. I'hb Great Elixir. 9 char IVk Hypochondriac. 3 char 1 he Man toith the Detnijohn, 4 char. The Runaways. 4 char The Thief of Time. 6 char Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. . • . Female Characters Only. A LovK OF A Bonnet. 5 char A Precious Pickle. 6 char No Curb No Pay. 7 char The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. The Greatest Plague in Life, 8 char. The Grkcian Bend. 7 char. . . > . The Red Chignon. 6 char Using the Weed. 7 char ALLEGORIES. A rrangcdfor Music and Tableaux, Lichthart's Pilgrimage. 8 female char. TiCE Revolt of the Bees. 9 female char o The Sculptor's Triu.mph. i male. 4 fe- male char Thk Tournament of Idylcourt. lo'fe- male char The War of the Roses. 8 female char. The Voyage OF Life. 8 female char. MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. An Original Idea, i male, i female Bonbons; or, the Paint King. 6 male, I female char Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet Restored. 3 male, i female char. Santa Claus' Frolics Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave, and the Fair Imocene. 3 male, i j female char. I The Merry Christmas of the Old I Woman who Lived in a Shoe. . . . ! The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male char i , , , The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain- ment. Numerous male and female char. Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. The Visions of Freedom. 11 female char = . . WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 23 Winter St„ Boston. That Box of Cigarettes a larte in Cfjtec %cts y BY / ROSEMARY BAUM BOSTON 1892 -y^^vi^ CHARACTERS. AMERICUS VESPUCIUS OLDBOY, a representative American Citizen, "by George Washington ! " CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OLDBOY, his son, and a backslider. TOM DARLING, a nineteenth century hero. FREDDY BLAKE, a " Soph.," and one of " the Jelloxvs." MISS ANASTASIA BLUEBLOODCHESTER (pronounced " Blucher" when you know hoiv), a woman of mind and principle. MRS. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OUDBOY , her niece, a " foreign imfor. tation." MOLLY BLAKE, another niece, not to be trampled cm. PHYLLIS DARLING, not yet "out," and bound to be "in it." COFYKIGKTi 18931 BY WALTER H. BaKER & Co. THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. ACT I. Scene. — Miss Bluebloodchester's drawing-room. Entrance C, with double portibres. Entrance R. f. Table L. F., with chairs R. and L. Desk R. with writing materials. Sofa with drapery R. c. Easy-chair L. c. Box of Tiddledv winks, branch of mistletoe, newspaper, on table. Christmas decorations. Be- fore curtains c. a step-ladder, on which is discovered Molly Blake, hammer in hand. Freddy sits at desk r., chewing end of pen. Molly. Well, Freddy ! If you think I am going to spend my morning on this ladder waiting for you to — Freddy. What the mischief rhymes with " ladies"? Badies, cadies, dadies — MoL. Fred-er-ick Blake ! Fred. Rats ! I canH think of a thing but Hades, and that's altogether too suggestive when one is supposed to be toasting the fair sex. {Tears paper and rises.) Did you say anything to me .'' MoL. iVly patience ! Haven't I asked you three times to hand me that mistletoe on the table .'' Fred, {crosses to table l. and carries tnistletoe up c. to Molly). Aha ! Getting ready for Tom, are 3'ou .'' That's one on you. MoL. {tacking mistletoe over door). Don't be a fool, Freddy! Fred, {lounging in easy-chair L. c). He's the fool, poor chap! Don't you suppose I know that his probation ends to-day, and that if he can give Aunt Anastasia his word that he hasn't smoked a thing for the last two months, and will sign her Anti-Tobacco League pledge to swear off for the rest of his life, he's to get you as a reward of merit? Great guns! It's more than I'd do for any girl. MoL. The lady or the tobacco — \t ts b. hard choice. Well, let him take the tobacco then. {Drops hatnmer and sits on top step of ladder.) The lady won't raise any objections if he does. Your case is different however. (Freddy rises and goes back to desk.) Choose the tobacco, and you have the fair one in your hair — the fair one being Aunt Anastasia. For the hundredth time, let me implore you to shun the weed and stick to the lady. She'll pay better in the long run. Fred, {at desk, making ready to write). And for the hundredth 3 4 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. time let me implore you not to worry about what doesn't concern you. All the fellows at college smoke, and Pm not going to play Miss Nancy for anybody. {Sotfo voce.) Ladies, fradies — MoL. All the fellows at college don't have aunts who are pres- idents of Anti-Tobacco Leagues. Fred. No, — lucky dogs ! — Madies, nadies, Hades ! MoL. And who could ruin their college-careers by refusing to advance the funds. Fred, {dipping pen impatiently'). Stuff! Fve kept dark so far, and there's no reason why the old lady should ever catch on. Leave me to manage her, can't you.^ {Puts inky end of pen in mouth, makes faces, etc.) MoL. Manage her? You might as well try to manage a war- horse or a mule or something as Aunt Ana when she gets her feet planted on a cast-iron principle. She spells those principles with a capital P, Freddy, and the rock of Gibraltar is a frail support by comparison. Be warned, my son! {Waves hands dramatically .) Fred, {flinging dowji pen) . Come off your perch! MoL. Figurative or literal ? Fred. Both. {Rises and goes up c.) What are you staying up there for anyway .'' Tom'U be here directly, and that ladder won't hold two. MoL. {arranging skirts). Oh, this isn't bad when it doesn't wobble. Does my skirt show .'' Fred. Going to pose for Tom's benefit ? MoL. Freddy, you are detestable. Fred, {gazing at her with his head on one side). I shouldn't have said the goddess-on-her-pedestal act was quite your style, but — MoL. Oh, for something to throw at you ! Fred. Well, I'll go hurry Tom up. {Gocsk.f. and looks back.) I say, Moll, wouldn't it be a good scheme to fall on his neck under the mistletoe ? You could get a jolly clear drop off that ladder — (Mo'Li.Y takes off slipper and flings it at him. Freddy dodges, rtins against Tom entering R., pushes him c, and exit.) Tou {lookitig after hi>n). Hold on ! What's up? MoL. {tucking feet out of sight). I am. Tom {turning). Molly! {Advances to foot of ladder.) What on earth are you doing ? MOL. Notliing, — on earth. Tom. Then why don't you come down ? MoL. Thanks; I'm very comfortable. Won't you take off your overcoat? {Aside, as Tom lays hat and black cape coat on chair L. C.) This is fearfully awkward. He's sure to think I stayed up here on purpose to be under the mistletoe. I wonder if I did. Tom {aside). A cheerful beginning for a love-scene, on my word! {Aloud.) Miss Molly, what will induce you to descend to a level with common mortals ? THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 5 MoL. Just one thing. Do you see a — piece of bric-^-brac on the floor by the door ? Tom {going R. F. and pick i?tg up slipper). What, this? It's pretty nearly "out of sight," but — 1 see it. MoL. Well, I threw that at Freddy, and I can't get down with- out it. See? Tom. 0\-\,thafs the trouble! {Returns to ladder.) But why you got up there at all — Hold on ! Whaf s that over the door ? MOL. Nothing — a little wintergreen — Tom. Wintergreen is good. Mademoiselle, you are caught. Come down and pay the penalty. MoL. Never ! Tom. Why not? You can't have forgotten that my probation is ended ? I am here to sign your aunt's pledge, and to remind you of my promised reward. - Why not settle our part of the bargain here and now? MoL. {aside). Now wouldn't this be a romance, if the heroine had both shoes on ! {Aloud.) Well, give me my slipper, and I'll come down and think about it. Tom. And give me the slip in exchange for the slipper! No; "I have thee on the" — step-ladder, and there you stay till you promise to do what I ask. {Sits L. c, tossing and catching slipper.) MoL. Well, I never / {A paiise ; he gazing caltnly up at her, she indignantly down at him.) MOL. {aside). I wouldn't give in now if I were engaged to him twice over. If I were only on solid ground I could defy him, shoe or no shoe. But you feel so painfully lacking in proper dignity and spirit when you are perched on a ladder with only one foot at your disposal. Tom. What are you going to do about it? Mo'L. {aside). I'll try diplomacy. {Aloud, very sweetly.) Why of course I shall have to surrender. Are you sure there is no one in the next room? Aunt Ana may come in at any minute. Tom {rising and looking off c). Not a soul visible. MoL. I am sure I heard the outer door close. Just look into the hall. Take my shoe with you if you're afraid to leave me alone. {Exit Tom c ; Molly descends ladder^ Tom {outside). I didn't hear any door shut. There isn't any- body anywhere. MoL. Just look down the street, won^ you, please? If Aunt Ana should corne — Tom {outside). No, Fatima, I don't see even a cloud of dust. MoL. {hopping down i.. on one foot). Nor a hay-cart, sister Annie? {Enter Tom c. Stops short.) p THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. Tom. Well, I'll be — MoL . (Jiopping around to put table betweeti herself and hhn) . I would if I were you. Tom {coming down L.). A pretty trick to serve a confiding youth ! MoL. {hopping around table, Tom. following). Almost as pretty as to get a young woman in a corner and try to force her into doing what slie might have done of her own accord — if you had used persuasion instead of coercion. {Hops across to R. Tom. follows.') Tom. Wait, Molly ! I want to speak to you. MoL. I hear you. Tom. But Molly — {Aside, stopping c.) Hang it all ! How can a man make love to a girl who is hopping around on one foot like a lame duck ? MOL. {hops behind sofa R. c. and stops. Aside). Gracious! He looks as black as thunder or ink or something. {Aloud!) What are you going to do about it? Tom {aside). Complete surrender is the only course left, anc^ be hanged if I ever try to get the best of a woman again ! {Aloud.) Miss Molly, all I wanted was to come to an understanding — MoL. {plaintiz'ely). If you don't come to it very soon, my understanding will give out. Tom. Molly, I'm a brute. Take your shoe and sit down. {Hands slipper oi'er sofa.) MoL. In the meantime, suppose you move that ladder into the corner. (Tom carries ladder to corner L. ; Molly puts on slipper, goes c. and stands under mistletoe.) Mr. Darling! Tom {turning, and advancing a step). Molly! MoL. I want you to observe that I am here of my own accord, without coercion or persuasion. Tom {embracing her). Molly, you're a darling! (Freddy and Phyllis enter c, run into Tom atid Molly, retreat and wrap themselves each in a portiere.) Fred. Coop ! We're coming ! Phyl. Say when we can look. Tom {going -l.). Confound the kids! Mol. {goitig R.). You might have "cooped" before you got here. 'PnYi.. {putting head around curtain I..). Never mind us. We won't tell. Ykk^. {putting head around curtain K.). You bet we won't! We've been there oursel\{es. Phyl. {turning, still in curtain, to face Freddy.) Freddy Blake ! I never ! Fred. Well, I'd like to know where you are this minute. {At- tempts to seize her. Phyllis dodges frotn behind curtain L. ; Fred embraces portih'e. ) Phyl. Not under the mistletoe. THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 7 Fred, {emerging from curtains). Never mind. I'll catch you there yet. Phyl. {going R.). I say, Molly, you don't mind our sort of sur- prising you, do you ? (Freddy goes l, and exchanges '■'■grip " with Tom.) I just ran over to say that Miss Darling and brother will be happy to accept Miss Blucher's invitation for Christmas dinner to-morrow. Is it to be a very big spread ? MoL. {sitting on sofa R. c). Just my sister, Mrs, Oldboy, and her husband, besides ourselves. Phyl. Oh, 1 see. Quite a family affair. Tom. Phyllis ! Phyl. Hm ? Oh, I — Dear me ! I never open my mouth but that I put my foot in it. {Sits by desk R. shaking head despair- ingly. Tom crosses R. c. and sits beside Molly. Fred cotnes down L. and snaps Tiddkdy winks on table.') Fred. Pshaw ! We all know how the land lies. Phyl. I don't suppose Papa Oldboy will be on hand to-morrow? Mol. Oh, no ! We've never even seen him. He never forgave Chris for marrying Hilda. Phyl. Why not ? Of course, if he knew her at all — Tom. Look out for your foot, youngster. Fred, {sitting on corner of table). The trouble is, Phyl, that Hilda, Molly, and 1 are all foreign importations. We were born in England, but our father and mother died when we were Httle shavers, and we were bundled off to America to live with Auntie Tobacco League Blucher, who had emigrated to this country with her father some years before. Well, now, old man Oldboy is a rabid Protectionist, and he couldn't bear to have his son encourage Free Trade between England and the United States by appropriat- ing an article «c^/ f^ American origin ; that is, by marrying Hilda. See? Tom {resting his arm on back of sofa). If all Free Trade brought such a class of importations to this country, I'd turn Demo- crat myself Fked. Ahem ! Phyllis, we'd better go. (Freddy and Phyllis rise., ttirning backs to Tom and Molly, and sidle toward c. with eyes shut atid groping for each other. As their hands meet Phyllis opens her eyes.) Phyl. We forgot our bet. Hold on, back there — or rather, stop holding on a minute ! Mol. {moving to end of sofa). If you would look around you would see that nobody is holding on to anything. ^n^-L.' {kneeling on chair R. to face Tom and Molly). Fred and I've got a bet. He bets that he can dance girl better than I can boy, and I bet he can't ; so we're going to try, with you for judges. 'Tisn't any of your old Huyler's bets. If he loses, he is to let me curl his bang for the dinner-party to-morrow ; if I lose, he can fix my hair to suit himself {Rises.) Now, Fred, you 8 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. wear my hat, and that bed-quilt on the sofa for a train, and I'll get your overcoat and derby. {Goes to door R. F.) Fred. You donH expect me to dance with steen yards of dry- goods tagging after me 1 Phyl. Of course I do. Every girl must know how to manage her train. {Tosses hat c. and exit R. Fred puts hat on wrong side in front, goes up R., takes sofa drapery from Molly, and ties it around his waist, while going down L.) Fred. Ain't I just the sweetest little budlet you ever saw? {Re-enter Phyllis r., piUting on black cape-coat and derby. Crosses and re-crosses front imitating masculine stride.) Phyl. Don't I make a dandy dude ? Fred, {sitting R. of table with one foot under the other knee). How's this for nature ? {Pats foot.) They all sit that way ; I s'pose to keep their feet warm. Phyl. {going L. f. and leaning over Freddy's r/^a'/r) . Ahem! Miss Budlet. Fred, {jumping and shrieking). O. Mr. Dudelet ! How you startled me. Phyl. May I have the pleasuah of claiming a dance with the fairest bud in all this garland of sweetness gathered here to-night? Ykts-H. {coquettish ly). Oh, you flatterer ! You giddy, giddy man ! Phyl. Don't hide that blushing cheek — as if you could hide it ! Come along and show what you're good for. (Freddy and Phyllis waltz, both whistling; Freddy becomes involved in his train, trips, and sits on floor R. F. All laugh.) MoL. Pride goeth before a fall, my son. Tom. Never try to get ahead of a woman, Freddy. Fred. Phyl backed me up too fast. Phyl. {waving derby). All's fair in love and war. Hurrah! I win. ( E7iter Miss Bluebloodchester c. Thomas, Molly, and Freddy rise hastily.) Miss B. {coming down c. and fu7nbling for her glasses). Dear, dear ! Is anybody being hurt ? Where are my glasses ? MoL. {goijig to her). They are hanging down your back, auntie. {Produces glasses on cord arou7id Miss Bluebloodchester's neck. Miss Bluebloodchester /«/j' thet?t on and glances abstractedly around roojn.) Miss B. What a terrific noise you were making as I came in. Dear, dear ! Molly, I fear you will never have any mind. {Sits R. of table.) -THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 9 MOL. {standmg behmdM-i^s Bluebloodchester's chair'). I'm afraid I won't, auntie. {Aside.) Fred, for goodness' salce take that sofa-cover off. Yke-H. (tuggitig at knot). I can't. It's stuck. Phyl. {laying overcoat o?t chair R.). Come out here and let me untie it. Boys are no earthly good. {Exit Phyllis and Freddy r.) Miss B. {vaguely moving hands abont beneath chin). Molly, do you see my bonnet strings anywhere ? MoL. Wh}', they're hanging down behind too ; you must have forgotten to tie them. {Assists Miss Bluekloodchester to remove bonnet. Tom comes L. of table.) Auntie, you haven't spoken to Tom. Miss B. Oh, good-morning, Mr. Darling. {Produces crochet- work from work-bag on arm.) To a woman of mind like myself, it is painful to see young people so given over to transient pleasures. It is a great blessing to be born with a mind, Mr. Darling. Tom {sitting L. of table). You must find it a great convenience at times. Miss B. {crocheting). I do indeed. There are so many really serious pleasures for me to enjoy. I only wish Molly cared for them. 1 am a member of twelve charitable organizations, whose meetings are a source of much enjoyment to me. MOL. {aside to Tom). She's getting wound up. Head her off, quick ! Tom. Such a philanthropist as you, Miss Blucher, will rejoice to have added even so humble a convert as myself to the list of those whom you liave benefited. {Raises eyebrows at Molly, who applauds silently.) My two-months' probation ends to-day, and I have come to sign your Anti-Tobacco League pledge for life. Miss B. {dropping crochet-work and rising). Dear, dear! I am very glad to hear this, Mr. Darling. I wish you might imbue Molly with your spirit of reform. I will produce the necessary document for you to sign at once, (grosses r. atid takes papers frotn desk. Molly and ToM embrace over back of Miss Blue- bloodc Hester's <://«//■. Thomas /^/^wj Miss Bluebloodches- TER ; Molly ^^^^i- to arrange cushions on sofa r. c.) You will, of course, read the pledge before signing. Sit here, please. {Takes Freddy's coat from chair and crosses l. Tom sits at desk; Molly comes down and looks over his shoulder. Miss Blueblood- CHESTER j2>«;/j'^j- L. F. and sniffs suspiciously.) Molly, do you notice an odor here, like — distinctly like — that curse of humanity.'' — Molly, whose coat is this ? {Feels ifi coat pockets.) Mol. Tom ! What shall I do ? It is Freddy's coat, and if she finds his cigarettes he is ruined. (Miss Bluebloodchester takes cigarettes from coat pocket.) Miss B. Coffin tacks! Molly, can this be your unhappy brother's — lO THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. Tom (f-ising). Hold on, Miss Blucher. That coat is mine. MOL. Tom, you sha^i't ! Tom. Husli ! Don't give Fred away. Miss B. This coz.t yoKrs, Mr. Darling? {T o^i borvs.) But dear, dear ! How do you account for — Tom. I don't account for anything, ma'am. MoL. (aside) . Bless his dear heart! He looks like a Red Cross Knight or a Dving Gladiator, or something. I suppose / ought to feel like a Roman matron, but I don't, a bit. Miss B. Dear, dear ! Do you realize, sir, that you have sacri- ficed all possibility of marrying my niece ? MoL. Aunt Ana! Tom. Is there no hope that future good conduct — Miss B. None whatever ! You must see that I stand on a prin- ciple, sir. MOL. That settles it, Tom. {Goes up c.) Tom. Then if I may have my coat — Miss 'Q. {re(urni7tg cigarettes to pocket). Oh, certainly ! (Tom takes coat, crosses L. c, takes hat, and returns R. F. Miss Blue- BLOODCHESTER takes boniiet front table, smooths stritigs ner- vously.) I — I trust we may see your sister at dinner with us to- morrow. Tom. Thank vou — yes. She needn't know about this shindy — Miss B. This'—? Tom. This unfortunate affair. It would be better if no one knew of it — not even Fred, Miss Blucher. (Miss Blueklood- CHESTER bows, lavs bonnet on chair, picks tip crocheting, sits on bonnet. Tom turns up stage.) Miss Blake ! (Molly runs down R. F., giving both hands to Tom.) You've got lots of pluck. Show "it up now, for Fred's sake. Mol. No, I won't. I'd like to box his bothersome ears this minute. But I'll be a Spartan or a whole book of martyrs iox your sake, you dear old boy. Tom. Well, I'm off now. Good-by for the present. (Exit Tom r. f.) Miss B. Dear, dear ! Molly, I hope you realize what a narrow escape you have had. MOL. I realize that my heart is broken, and I daresay I shall die presently. (Goes L. c, takes Tom's coat from chair, embraces it, carries it off c. Miss Bluebloodchester crochets by table, ttot observing Molly's exit.) Miss B. Hearts that are strengthened by principle never break, my dear. I too had a lover once (sighing) — such a gallant, hand- some man, but, alas ! so completely the slave of the deadly weed that he resisted all my efforts to save him. Of course I was obliged to break our engagement; but did my heart break? Did /die? No ; I still live, a woman of unbroken heart, mind, and THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. II principle. Molly, have you seen my bonnet.'' Molly {rising and looking aro7itid) — where z> the child.'' {Moves toward c.) Can she have taken away my — {Turns L. ; sees bonnet crushed on chair.) QUICK CURTAIN. ACT II. Scene. — The dining-room . following). No, ma'am, no ; this is not an extension treaty. Wiiy wasn't I told tliat Christo- pher was marrying /^;«r niece ? Miss B. Dear, dear ! Didn't he write you ? A. V. O. He wrote me tliat the aunt's name was Blue — blood — Chester, ma'am. Miss B. Yes, yes ; I see. The mistake was a natural one. When you and I were — well ! Dear, dear ! — A. V. O. {grimly). In the soup. Go on ! {Continues to sidle around stage. Miss ]i. following step fo?- step, facing him ) Miss B. Knowing your prejudices, I spelled my name as it is pronounced — B-1-u-c-h-e-r. But, being an English name, it is not pronounced as it is spelled ; so when Christopher sent you the correct orthography, you, being American, did not — er — grasp the situation. A. V. O. Well, I guess not ! Who but a heathen or an Eng- lishman would think of prononncino: B-l-u-e-b-1 double o-d-c-h-e-s- t-e-r, Blucher? Great George ! We'd better ship off a few Ameri- can missionaries to teach the English aristocracy how to spell, I'm thinking ! Miss B. Dear, dear ! But the Bluchers are not of the aris- l6 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. tocracy, Americus. Believe me, we never had even a knight in the family. A. V. O. It's all the same thing. You broke off with me thirty vears ago because you were of English birth and a plain Ameri- can citizen wasn't good enough for you — tliat's why. Miss B. You kfiow it was because you were addicted to smok- ing, Americus, and declined to be reformed. A. V. O. {^stopping!.. F.). I still smoke, ma'am. Miss B. {stopping r. f.). And / am still of English birth, Americus. Dear, dear ! This is very trying to my mind. Where is my pocket .'' {Sniffs and gropes in folds ofgow)i.) A. V. O. Great George ! She's going to turn on her tears. {Seizes disli-cloth from chair L-- c, holding it out at ami's length.) Here, ma'am, take this, and for Liberty's sake call it square ! Miss B. {holds dish-cloth to eyes) . Your wife is dead, Americus ? A. V. O. She is, ma'am ; she died ten years ago. Miss B. Dear, dear ! Americus, what did you have on your handkerchief? Heavens ! I shall lose my eyesight ! {Screws eyes shut, holds dish-cloth out in right liand, gropes for pocket with left.) A. V. O. {taking cloth). Great George! It's soap! I should advise you, ma'am, to bathe your eyes instantly in clear water, if there is such a commodity in this confounded new-fangled hole. Miss B. {groping her way to door l.). Don't swear on my account, Americus ; don't, I beg of you. {Exit L.) A. V. O. By the stars and stripes ! A few more such surprises would shatter even the Constitution of the United States! {Enter Mrs. O., Molly, and Chris r.) Mrs. O. {coining down r. c. f.). Here he is ! How could you deceive me so, you dreadful man? MOL. {coming do7vn L. F.). To hear Hilda tell Chris about his eccentric uncle — 'twas rich ! Chris, {coming down r. f.). Father, I am glad to welcome 3'ou to my — er — flat. * A. V. O. (l. c. f., tncking dish-cloth in pocket). Sh-h-h! {Points to door L. and beckons the others to approach. Molly, Chris, Mrs. O., advance c. f.) Anastasia Blue-blood-chester is in that room. Mol. ) Chkis. [ Aunt Ana ! Mrs. O. \ Mol. And Tom will be here in two minutes. Mrs. O. What a situation! Chris, bring the lamp into the parlor. Molly, stay here and head Tom off! I'll tell Aunt Ana you stopped to speak to somebody outside. Come, Mr. Oldboy. bh, dear! Why did she come after Molly to-night of all nights ? Mol. Perhaps she thought I'd eloped. {Exitall but Molly, wJto remains l. f. Stage dark. Enter TOM R.) Tom. Hallo, the house ! ,THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. I7 MOL. Sh-h-h! Tom. Molly ! Why don't you light up? MoL. Aunt Ana's in the other room. Where are you ? Tom. The mischief she is ! I'm lost. I wish you'd come and find me. MoL. Standstill then. {Advances cautiously ; vieeis Tom c. f.) Is this you ."* Tom. On the whole, I think it is. MoL. What's this ? Tom. It's Fred's coat. I thought Chris might smuggle it home to-morrow. Oh, by Jove ! those cigarettes are in the pocket. Let me get them out of the way. {Takes out cigarettes and d>ops them.) The mischief! I've dropped them. {Stoops and fiun- bles 071 fioor.) MoL. Wait a minute ! There are matches on the table. {Feels on table and knocks dishpan on floor with a bang.) Good Gra- cious ! Run, Tom ! They'll all be here in a minute.. Tom. But the cigarettes ! MoL. Never mind. I can explain them better than I can you. {Guides Tom to door R., returns R. F. Enter Chris with lamp L.,- followed by Mrs. O., Miss B., and A. V. O.) Mrs. O. What has happened, Molly .^ MoL. I knocked the dishpan on the floor trying to find a — drink. {Looks aro7ind floor.) Mrs. O. Is that all? {To Chris.) Thank fortune, Tom is gone! {Kneels r. of table, wiping floor ; Chris sets lamp on table ; A. V. O. stands L. C. ; MisS B. comes L. F.) Miss B. Dear, dear! Molly, how could you be so careless? {Examines floor.) I suppose the carpet is ruined. So unfortu- nate ! {Picks up cigarettes:) What ? Yes ! It is / {Holds tip box.) Mrs. O. "^ C Goodness!'^ Chris. > Great \ Scott ! > That box of cigarettes ! A .V. O.) I George! ) Miss B. Molly, I know Christopher never uses these vile things. You alone can explain their presence here. MoL. {recklessly.) What ! You think / use them ? Well — perhaps I do. A. V. O. {aside). By George Washington ! Young America not being here to come to the rescue, we'll see what an Oldboy can do. {Comes down c.) What's the trouble, Miss Blue-Blood- chester? {Takes box from Mlss B . and opens it.) Christopher, I suppose there's no objection to my taking a bit of representative American comfort, outside, in the corridor ? {Takes out cigarette and prepares to light it.) I dropped these cigarettes. CURTAIN. 1 8 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. ACT III. Scene. — Same as Act I. Comb and spirit-lamp on table L. Freddy sits r. of table; Phyllis stands behind him, twisting curling-iron in his hair. Phyl. Bear up a little longer. Raphael's cherubs won't be " in it" with you when you're done. Fred. Hm! Dante's Inferno illustrated by Dord would better express my feelings. Don't twist that scalping-machine any tiijhter. "Phyl. There ! That's a beauty ! {Holds iron in flame of lamp.) But, as I was saying, I don't believe Molly would have Tom after all. It would take something more than the headache he talks about to keep him away from here to-day. {Twists iron in Fred's hair.) Fred. Great guns, Phyl ! Put that thing on ice. {ferks head azuay; Phyllis blotuson iron.) Of course Auntie Tobacco League is at the bottom of the row. Phyl. I move that you and I do something to help these two unfortunate spoons. {Twists iron in hair.) You ought to know Miss Blucher's soft side by this time. . Fred. Jove! I've got it! {Starts up.) Ow! Hang the curling-iron! {Rises.) Look here, I call time! You've curled me so tight I can't shut my eyes, and that's enough for one day. {B lotus out lamp.) Phyl. Let me comb it out. {Runs comb through Freddy's hair.) There! You're simply out of sight. Fred. I wish I were till after dinner. Phyl. But what's your idea? Quick, before Molly comes! {Kneels on chair R. of table, ficiu:; Freddy, who sits l.) Fred. This morning at breakfast Aunt Ana informed us that Christopher's governor is to be at this hilarious family party to-day. It seems she and he used to be engaged. Phyl. Oh, come! Not really? Fred. Fact; on my word. When she thought 'slie had him safe, she tried to work the reform act on him ; hut as the old man wouldn't give up his weed, the game was called off. Now I believe that if he should propose to her to-day she'd take him quicker than a wink, tobacco and all. After which the old man would have dead easy fruit reforming her morals. There's nothing half so soft as an old maid in love. Phyl. But where do you and I come in on that idea ? Fred. Why of course the old chap won't pop the question again on his own hook. We've got to rope him into a corner that he can't crawl out unless he pops. See? Phyl. I don't see the corner. Fred. Keep still and think one up. THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. I9 {Turns his back to Phyllis, resthtg elbows on knees and head in hands. Both frown thoiig/itfuliy .) Phyl. IVe got it ! Fred, {turning). So have I ! Phyl. {pointing citr lino-iron at Freddy). Look here ! We'll — Vkkt). {seizing end of iron). No, hold on. Let's — {Both pause and look at each other.) Don't talk to me for a minute. (Freddy turns face l. as before, rests cheek on hand which grasped iron, makes black mark; Phyllis rubs iron against her cheek and makes black mark. Enter Molly and A. V. O. c.) MoL. Come in and sit down, Mr. Oldboy ; Aunt Ana will be down in a moment. What! Have you children been quarrelling again ! (Freddy and Phyllis rise and face Molly.) What have you been doing to your faces .^ Fred, {pointing at V^wlia's). Jove, Phyl! You ought to see yourself. Phyl. {also pointing). Don't talk. You ^r^ like Dante's In- ferno now. Fred. It's your old scalping-machine. {Exit r. Vhyiaas follows with lamp, iron, etc.) A. V. O. {laughing and sittinq l. c). Quite some sweetheart- ing going on around here, I take it. MoL. {going \.. a7id a7-ranging articles on table). It does look suspicious. We might have caught them under the mistletoe if we had come sooner. A. V. O. Oho ! There's mistletoe in the air. MoL. Yes; over the door. {Points c.) An old English cus- tom, so I suppose you would taboo it. {Crosses R.) A. V. O. By no means, ma'am. Even Great Britain doesn't claim a patent right on kissing, and American mistletoe is the finest in the world ; and Brother Jonathan's right to combine the two is just as good as John Bull's. Suppose I prove it to you here and now. Come ; I'm a harmless old fellow. Wliat do you sav? MoL. {aside). The "true American spirit of pro- Penseroso, the won- derful two-headed girl; not to be confounded with the more common tW"- f,ir,,l girl. Two wavs of eating a pickle. Ida and Ione. the Grecnin 'maidens. K.\i-hai;l Tintoret, the blind p;iinter, who paints blinds in full view of the audie ce. An Chin and \Vir\ hvsr,, the Cliinese twins, ox iremely well connected from birth, " The Land of Tea." K A-FOOZLE-i i m. tlie Turkish vocalist. Grand tiiiale and curtain.