French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Col- j onies, and the United States) Edition of the 'i Works of the Best Authors :. ''i!;ii:iiiiini!n:iii:r.iiri:iiniiiiiiiiiiiirilllliliiilliliiliiiiiiiilliiiliiiilliiMiiliii)iiiiiiiniiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiilliiliiiiiiiiiiiririiiMiiiii!iiiiiiiii>i: '. No. 449 JONES VERSUS JONES A MODERN COMEDY IN ONE ACT BY FLORENCE LEWIS SPEARE All Rights Reserved Copyright, 1922, by Samuel French Price 30 Cents NEW YORK Samuel French Publishei- 28-30 West 38th Street LONDON Samuel French, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street Strand iiiiiitiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiMMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiir The Charm School A fascinating comedy in three acts by Alice Duer Mill- er and Robert Milton. 6 males, 10 females. (May be played by 5 males and 8 females). Any number of school girls may be used in the ensembles. Scenes, two inter- iors. Costumes, modern. Plays 2V2 hours. The story of "The Charm School" is familiar to Mrs. Miller's readers. It relates the adventures of a hand- some young automobile salesman scarcely out of his 'teens who, upon inheriting a girl's boarding school from a maiden aunt, insists on running it himself, according to his own ideas, chief of which is, by the way, that the dominant feature in the education of tlie young girl of today should be CHARM. The situations that arise are teeming with humor — clean, wholesome humor. In the end the young man gives up the school and promises to wait until the most precocious of his pupils reaches a marriageable age. "The Charm School" has the freshness of youth, the inspiration of an extravagant but novel idea, the charm of originality, and the promise of wholesome, sanely amusing, pleasant entertainment. We strongly recom- mend it for high school production. "The Charm School" was first produced at the Bijou Theatre, New York, and then toured the country. Two companies are now playing it in England. Price, 75 cents. Daddy Long- Legs A charming comedy in four acts, by Jean Webster. The full cast calls for 6 males, 7 females and 6 orphans, but the play, by the easy doubling of some of the char- acters may be played by 4 males, 4 females and three Orphans. The orphans appear only in the first act and may be played by small girls of any age. Four easy interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2i/^ hours. The New York Times reviewer, on the morning fol- lowing the Broadway production, wrote the following- comment: "If you will take your pencil and write down, one be- low the other, the words delightful, charming, sweet. beautiful and entertaining, and then draw a line and add them up, the answer will be 'Daddy Long-Legs.' To that result you might even add brilliant, pathetic and humorous, but the answer even then would be just what it was before — the play which Mi.ss Jean Webster has made from her book. 'Daddy Long-Legs,' and which was presented at the Gaiety last night. To attempt to describe the simplicity and beauty of 'Daddy Long-Legs' would be like attempting to describe the first breath of Spring after an exceedingly tiresome and hard Winter." "Daddy Long-Legs" enjoyed a two-years' run in New York and was then toured for over three years, and is now published in play form for the first time. Price, 75 cents. (The Abov** Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) SAMITEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request JONES VERSUS JONES A 3I0DERN COMEDY IN ONE ACT By FLORENCE LEWIS SPEARE All Rights Reserved Copyright, 1922, by Samuel French New York SAMUEL FRENCH Publisher 28-30 West 38th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street STRAND 9^^ "JONES VERSUS JONES" is fully protected by copy- right, and all rights are reserved. Permission to act, to read publicly, or to make use of this play must be obtained from Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York. It may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of five dollars for each performance, payable to Samuel FrAstch one week before the date when the play is given. Professional rates quoted on application. Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: "Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French of New York." TMP96-006673 ©CIO 63506 CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY Alice Jones Attomey-at-Law Carlton Jones . . . Her Husband, also an Attorney Mrs. Polly Keene Her Friend Mary A Maid JONES VERSUS JONES The scene takes place in the attractive lihrary of the Joneses one late afternoon in early Spring. The room is most attractive, the sort made cosy by the presence in the house of an efficient, artistic zvoman. It opens off a hall that runs its full length. The opening into the room is very wide. Soft light tones down all harshness. An open fire adds to its cheerfulness, books and bric-a- brac and a good picture or tivo give additional touches. A zvide, upholstered fire-side seat sur- rounds the fireplace, zvhicJi is on the right of the room as you enter. An attractive large picture hangs above it. A mantelpiece juts out over it. Among the trifles seen upon this is a very good likeness of the master of the house. It is framed as a woman who adores her husband does those things — in a hand-carved gold frame. A fine, long reading-table occupies a good bit of space on the left as you enter the room. A reading- lamp ; a telephone tucked behind its clever cover ; a scattering of choice magazines, a book or two. This table stands zvell dozvn in the room; on each side of it is placed a comfortable chair. You can tell the gentleman's preference because the chair to the left of the table is more com- fortable looking than it is elegant. The com- panion chair over the other side is the coquet- tish thing most women like to look comfortable 5 JONES VERSUS JONES in. His deep lounging chair is substantial, hers of lighter frame and make. The door leading into his study is in line zvitJi Jiis chair — just a trifle farther down the room. Another door, just beside the fireplace, but zvell back tozvard the hall, leads into the little room she calls her dressing-room. A soft light falls directly upon the table. Mr. Jones conceives himself to be master in his house even in these days of feminism. But he sometimes has qualms, especially zvhen he reads of the goings-on of ''Some of 'em." Politics seems fashionable for women, these days, and so do careers. But Mr. Jones has been heard to remark that he coidd not conceive of such a thing happening in his house — thank goodness, his' zvife was a pleasant little creature, who did everything zvhich he conceived to be absolutely right. She shrank from publicity, he thanked fortune — zvas afraid of it: "a do- mestic woman in these days zvhen they are so hard to discover." So you are to conceive of this husband coming home, blandly happy, zvon- dering zvhat the little woman is doing to make his evening perfect. He lets himself in the house, zvalks dozvn the hall zvith the same cere- mony zvith zvhich he always enters it. He is so sure that the nezvspapers are folded and zvaiting for him on the library table that he comes suavely dozvn, drazving his gloves off de- liberately. Good-naturedly he notices that Mary is just lighting the fire. His zvife zvill enter gracefidly, presently, in the firelight. He likes the idea; it frames the domestic scene right. Mr. Jones. (Complacently) That's nice, Mary. A little sharpness in the air to-night. JONES VERSUS JONES 7 Mary. Yes, soir. Jones. An open fire adds to a room. Em a stickler for pleasantness in the house — as you've no doubt noticed, Mary. Mary. Yes, soir. (Going.) Jones. You can tell Mrs. Jones I am home. Mary. No, soir. (He turns a surprised, question- ing eye tozvard her.) Mrs. Jones is not back, soir. Jones. Ah! No doubt at her club. But is this Tuesday ? Mary. No, soir. Jones. (Takes up paper, opens it) Then it is a matinee. .Mary. Maybe so, soir. (Starts again off right and toward the hall. Mary is brought to a sharp pause by an exclamation from Mr. Jones. J Jones. Wait! (He is glaring at nezvs paper.) Where is Mrs. Jones ? Mary. She didn't telephone, soir. Jones. (Looking like a thunder cloud as he glares at the newspaper) Eh? What? (Tosses it down, picks up hat and gloves.) The instant my wife comes in, tell her I am waiting to speak to her in my study ! Mary. Yes, soir. Qones slams into his study. Mary shamelessly tip-toes back and picks w/) the paper, looks grim.) So that's what she's come to ! (Smiles grimly.) My congratulations ! (^Mary is reading along slowly as Mrs. Jones very hurriedly enters. She is a radiant zuoman. There is nothing clinging or bold about her. But she impresses you at first glance as a zvoman who can do things — and likes to do them. She has a little flash of humor in her voice zvhen she speaks — she is always blithe — and that sort of thing.) Mrs. Jones. I know I must be late, Mary. (The 8 JONES VERSUS JONES maid hastily drops tJic newspaper, and backs off from table.) I suppose Mr. Jones has already come? Mary. Yes, ma'am. (Significantly.) He's in his room, ma'am. Mrs. Jones. Then you hurry with things, Mary. How good your fire seems. (Crosses to it and in a charming, quick way slips off her furs, takes off her Jiat, Jiands it to Mary, and then does things to her hair.) Mary. Yes, ma'am. (SJie takes the hat and starts away.) He's in his room, ma'am. (Her glance is very significant.) Mrs. Jones. (Szveetly) I heard you, Mary. (But tile little woman does not seem at all in a hurry to go to him. She wants Jiim to come and find her here. SJie knozcs sJie is a very attractive figure against the firelight. SJie carries herself that zvay; even holds her fingers out to the blase. Jones has not made his room pleasant for himself, so blazes into the library again. He returns to get that hated newspaper story, but comes face to face with his wife. He stands just outside his ozvn study door and glares at her. She notices no change in his manner. She is actually smiling.) Oh, there you are, Carlton! I am so glad to see you, dear! Jones. (Withering tone) Don't "dear" me ! (He controls himself.) I came to have you explain — try to explain — your shameless conduct. Mrs. Jones. (Bewilderd) My d , I don't know what you mean. Jones. Yes, yes, you do ! On my soul, I wonder that you can dare to look at me when you know the light you have put me in ! Mrs. Jones. What are you talking about? Jones. (Grabbing nezvspaper, tossing it dozvn) That infernal rot — that story in the newspapers. Had you forgotten that I still have my newspapers sent home? JONES VERSUS JONES 9 Mrs. Jones. But I haven't seen to-day's news- paper. Oh, I wonder what you are furious about ! Jones. Will you stand there and tell me you didn't give this story to the reporters — yourself? Mrs. Jones. Let me see what can have happened. (She goes quickly, picks rip paper, smoofJis it out, glances at it, gives a glad little cry.) Oh — so that is out already, is it? (Sits, and reads hungrily, plainly shoiving her vanity. Jones hovers about, casting withering glances, wheeling hack and forth, up and down, restlessly. She has forgotten him, but he brings her back. He sneers openly.) Jones. Surprises you — that's very plain. Oh, yes! Mrs. Jones. And pleasantly surprises me, I can tell you. Jones. (Violently) Oh, does it? Well, let me tell you that I am ashamed to go out and meet my friends. Mrs. Jones. (Deep in her reading, murmurs) I can't see why. Jones. (The injured man snorts) Eh? Mrs. Jones. (Lost to his stares) You ought to be glad. (Reads aloud.) "Mrs. Carlton Jones, leader of the Smart Set, has successfully passed the examinations to the Bar and is admitted to plead in the Judicial Courts." (Mesmeri::;ed by the sudden horror that this situation has thrust upon him, Jones hovers in the background, sympathetically smoothing down his own back hair, but she is quite unconscious of this. She is just seeing herself in this iww light.), I'm that woman ! Jones. Pooh ! Mrs. Jones. (Little catch in her voice) Tell me you are proud of your wife, Carlton! Jones. Eh? On my soul, I'd give a fortune if I could wipe this thing out. My name dragged into such notoriety ! This to come to my house ! (Whips 10 JONES VERSUS JONES suddenly around, faces .her sourly.) Wasn't one lawyer in the family enough? Mrs. Jones. Oh, you are hard, dear. Everybody else has been charming. Jones. (Squelches her) No doubt! I forgot them, the cats! Mrs. Jones. Do listen to me, Carlton Jones. (Raging about, deeply aggrieved) Proud of you! And I thought she had strength enough of mind for these female agitators. The papers every day full of the doings of some wife or other who has bolted the traces. God knows who's to pay the fiddler if such things keep on. (Stops, to zvatch and see her crumple under the blow he is about to deliver.) Let me tell you I am a man who can sup- port his wife — and keep her in luxury, too. Your pearls — your own town car Mrs. Jones. (Looking at hint tenderly) Yes, I know, dear. You are successful. But it isn't lux- uries I want. Jones. (Dazed) Eh ? Mrs. Jones. No. It isn't to make more money that I studied so hard — for I admit it was very hard — I wanted to help you. (The man is so shocked he simply is petrified on the spot. She is making revelations.) I kept saying to myself, over and over — "You must never fail him at any point in his career. He is to mount steadily upward, and you must be ready to help him, be of service to him at every advance." And .so I kept at those great books, so determined was I to make myself a more intelli- gent companion for my good husband Jones. (Shouts) Oh, hear her chatter! Intel- ligent companion ! Useful ! (He smiles pityingly on her.) So you have saddled yourself with work just to keep me from becoming a failure ! Of all things ! Intelligent companion ! (Snort of wrath.) JONES VERSUS JONES 1 1 Mrs. Jones. Please don't misunderstand me. But there are so many ways I can assist you. Jones. Do I seem to be tottering? Am I become so old, 'or dull, that my profession is in peril ? (He zvanfs to frighten her, but she does not zvince.) By George ! Let me tell you, madam, when I do require help in the law — I won't call in a — a petticoat! (Starts striding again — he is pleased at that last blow he gave her.) I'd take down my shingle before I'd look such a fool Mrs. Jones. (Persists) If you wanted something typed — or looked up — I could care for that. Jones. No! You needn't try to wheedle me round. And I tell you, what's more, it was an under-handed trick you played on me. I knew nothing of your studying law. Mrs. "Jones. (Dimples) You never suspected — and yet 1 did it right under your nose. I knitted in all the points I had to remember ! That work-basket was filled with all sorts of cases ! And I unravelled the stocking in the morning to see if I could pick every 'thread of the argument up! Jones. (Stares at her in perplexity. This is the regard she Jias for the sacred lazv! ) What a pro- found misunderstanding of the profession you have ! Mrs. Jones. (Flares up) You've no right to say that. You can't know ! Jones. Anyone who would treat a sensible sub- ject in such a — an amazing manner could not have a legal opinion that is worth shucks. It is a pro- fession, madam — not a thing to stick a darning- needle in. There's the tool for you! The needle! You keep to that. I'll care for fees. Mrs. Jones. Carlton! I'll never forgive you if you won't give me one chance — just one — to show what a success I could be. Jones., Who cares for "a successful woman" — as a wife? Do you think I want to turn my home into a 12 JONES VERSUS JONES shop? Leave the office only to enter here and start fighting legal battles all over again? No, ma'am. I want peace and quiet under my roof. Every, hus- band does — if he isn't afraid to admit it. (He is gratified to see she remains quiet; it spurs him on.) I suppose there is nothing that jars a man like hav- ing one of those argumentative shrews sitting across at the table — her clapper-tongue running along while she thinks he is drinking in her clear-sighted wis- dom. It spoils his evening beside an open fire. Makes him forget even his skill in a game of cards. By George! None of your strong-minded females for me! I can supply all the brains necessary for running my home — and my business ! Mrs. Jones. Yes, of course, dear. But why not let me do detail work — like looking up references — or running up to the Court for you, when you could be so much more weightily occupied? Jones. We have a clever boy or two in the office. Mrs. Jones. Yes, yes ! But over and over again as I have watched you in your study fussing and fuming through your papers, I said to myself, "How nice it would be if I only understood enough of the law to enter sanely into his affairs" — for it is very painful to me — as a wife, dear — to watch you some- times in that room — and you must admit I was clever enough going about it — to be admitted to plead in the courts Jones. T am ready to admit anything you like — so long as you drop the matter there and never refer to this subject again. (Smiles.) I am prepared even to forget — and forgive, all this newspaper notoriety. And all I shall ask you to remember, my dear, is that we are now back just where we were before all this tomfoolery started, f Jones goes to his chair, right of table, drops into if, picks up magazines, reads.) Mrs. Jones. (Bolt upright with astonishment, gazes fixedly at his bland profile) Carlton! I've JONES VERSUS JONES 13 earned no rio^ht for consideration? (He grunts, buries himself deeper in his reading.) I'm to sit and flatter myself that — I'm your wife? Accept your comments — without question ? Jones. If it pleases you to express it that way — yes. Mrs. Jones. You amazing man ! Here I sit tell- ing you how passionately interested I am in seeing you rise to success. Craving to be launched into the struggle beside you. I've proved my mettle — and you tell me to forget all that I have worked to teach myself — and become again a clinging, trivial, swad- dled, chatty thing that only knows enough to sit up at your table and beam on you. But, Carlton — that day is over. It may seem increditable to you to hear it — but I've changed ! Jones. Be good enough to shift back again. Mrs. Jones. I couldn't endure it ! Jones. (Looking szviftly up) Haven't I been a good husband to you ? Mrs. Jones. Oh, you kept me looking so that your friends could see how successful you were growing. But I'm tired of wearing expensive clothes, playing bridge, and sitting in my chair watching you grow stout. I saw the way of escape and I took it, Carlton. I'll be the proudest woman on earth — if you will accept me — as your clerk. Jones. I'll say you're a determined woman! Mrs. Jones. (Smiling on him, wheedles) Yes? is it — yes? Jones. (Roars) No! And that's final ! Mrs. Jones. Is it? (She rises.) All right. Lis- ten to me — / shall hang out a shingle of my ozvn! Jones. Ehf Have you gone utterly, raving mad? Mrs. Jones. Don't shout, dear. It's my right to practice as well as yours. I mean to take it. Jones. (Incredulously) Do you mean ? 14 JONES VERSUS JONES Mrs. Jones. I shall practice law alone. Yes, Carlton. Jones. This — in my house? By George! You say it — seriously? Mrs. Jones. Yes. Jones. (Einphatically) I won't have it ! Do you hear? Mrs. Jones. Your reasons? Jones. Can you ask them? I suppose I want to see my wife trailing in and out of every filthy court- room in this city and battling with all the sharks that stand up to fight a case. Mrs. Jones. Surely, there are some gentlemen — beside yourself — engaged in the law, Carlton. Jones. I tell you I won't be laughed at by every friend I've got, saying my wife has to get out and hustle for a living. You hear that? Mrs. Jones. That's not flattering to our set, dear. But you haven't named the real reason, yet. Hon- estly, have you? Jones. Eh? What? Mrs. Jones. (Siniling) Professional jealousy. I mean that! Jones. Great Scott! (Jump of rage.) If you were only a man ! Mrs. Jones. (Villainously gleeful) I knew you would be the very moment I got my degree. So I intentionally didn't tell you. And then that news- paper handed me over into your hands. Oh, Carl- ton — I passed the examinations to the Bar — and some of the male candidates didn't ! Jones. Boys, likely! Mrs. Jo'nes. Not a bit of it ! But I was — mag- nificent! (Gleefully nods.) I'll show you when I get a chance to triumph in a little legal sparring match. Jones. (Controlling himself) I won't stand for this! JONES VERSUS JONES 15 Mrs. Jones. (Shamelessly boastful) You're afraid I won't win? Jones. (Inflated zvith morality) Do yo;i think you can play with me A'Irs. Jones. (Gleefully) I'll show you! Jones. You're my wife! (Violently.) Mrs. Jones. You mean — that robs me of all in- dividuality ? Jones. Stops you from making a fool of your- self. Your place is here. Mrs. Jones. You act as if you were a Turk — and I the favorite wife in your harem. Jones. (Bounds out of his chair) Ye gods ! You ought to be ashamed, of such words coming out of your mouth. All these years together — and I never found you out ! (Raging back and forth, hands jammed in pockets.) I remember laughing at other fellows — I thought this could never come into my house — : — (Stands, looks at her tragically.) Dash it all, Alice, haven't you any sense of decency? Of course you are acting on impulse Mrs. Jones. (Unabashed) No impulse, Carlton. I've been planning to say this to you for years. And ril stick to my guns — unless you say I am free to go and come in this house — as — a law clerk! Jones. By George, no! (Throws up his hands. She turns from him. His, voice and manner soften.) Don't let us go on in anger, dear. I've lost a grip on myself — and — and I don't want to say anything that either of us will regret later. Of course I know you are a capable little woman. I'm sure there isn't another can hold a candle to you — and I'm proud of your looks — and all that — you'll soon come round again to be the quiet little woman I married. (She doesn't move or speak. Jones then crosses to his door and stands zvitJi his hand on the knob, speaks to her.) Guess you're right, Alice. Least said, soonest mended. (Exits.) i6 JONES VERSUS JONES Alice. (Listens to the door close — looks toward it) He is bullying me. That's what he is doing. Well, I won't stand it. (She stands, reading the newspaper again. Telephone rings. She picks it tip.) Yes? Mrs. Jones speaking. Oh, Mrs. Keene, how sweet of you. Just read it? Thank you so much! What! Am I going to practice? (Looks at her husband's shut door, laughs.) W'ell, you just offer the chance ! (Almost drops receiver.) You have a case for me? Oh, wait a minute — a minute! (Sits, dra-cvs pad, pencil across.) All right. What? Your maid left without warning — you withheld wages — now she is suing you. Yes. 77/ take the case. Suppose you drop in this evening, and I will have everything drawn up for you to glance over. Can you? Good. Yes. Of course I can have it all ready for you. Good-bye. (Hangs up receiver, gath- ers up her notes, passes gaily across to her room. Turns on the threshold.) Now, Mr. Carl1;on Jones — we shall see ! (Exits. Closes door. Jones's door opens — he steps out, expecting to encounter his zvife. Sighs, drops into chair, sJiakes his head dejectedly, is pitying himself heartily. Smoking, picks up evening paper — Jiolds it at arm's length. Sighs.) Jones. Spoilt my evening for me. (Sighs, looks fixedly at the story.) Poor misguided soul! Mary. (The maid enters stealthily — stands peer- ing about — cranes her neck toward Mrs. Jones's shut door. Sees Jones — gains assurance — comes quietly down, coughs apologetically. Jones pays no attention. She cougJis again — speaks mysteriously) Mr. Jones — soir. Jones. (Lifelessly) Yes, Mary. Mary. Mr. Jones. I — I was wanting to ask yer opinion on — a — a case. JONES VERSUS JONES 17 Jones. (Whips around) Good Lord ! You study- ing law, too, Mary? Mary. (Jimip of alarmed disgust) No, soir. Divvil a wurrud do I know about it. That's why I cum to you, soir. To advoise me. Jones. Oh, all right, Mary. Fire away. Mary. Well, soir, could I sue a lady who didn't pay me me back pay ? Jones. (Warily) Well, that depends. Who is the woman, Mary? Mary. (Brightening) Mrs. Keene, soir. Mrs. Polly Keene. Jones. Not the Mrs. Polly Keene, Mary? Polit- ical bally hooer That general, all-round feminine agitator — eh ? Mary. Yes, soir ; the very one, soir. She was sich a nuisance — always havin' them skirmishin' powder- puff, argyfyin' females rushin' in and out of her rooms that I got sick of it — an' I ups and leaves without givin' the usual warnin' — and then, soir, that woman wouldn't pay me me back wages. So I writes her I am havin' the law on her. And now, soir, can I do it? Jones. (Enthusiastically) You leave it to me, Mary. That's a good girl — just leave it to me. Mary. Yes, soir. Much obliged. I'm parlor girl, soir — when you may be wantin' me. (Exits.) Jones. (Laughs) That's perfect! Lord! I'll amuse myself with one of my wife's crew, just to show her how they look when all battered to pieces. (Chuckles.) Gad! I'm sorry for poor Mrs. Keene. Mrs. Jones. (Enters, her arms filled with fat, legal hooks. Very business-like — hair slightly dishev- eled — very important legal manner. Her husband is vastly amused. Turns his back squarely on her to • burrozv deeper in his paper and to grin over the awful blozv he is going to deal the unfeminine fe- males.) Just glance that over, will you ? (Tosses a i8 JONES VERSUS JONES paper across. She sits, opens a big book, flops over the pages, runs her finger doimi, flops more pages over. Jones darts an amused expression at her — poor soul, it is his last! He fairly bristles zvith ivrath a moment later.) Jones. (Beginning calmly) "Municipal Court of New York — Polly Keene — defendant " Great Scott! (Swings about.) Say, where did you pick this up? Mrs. Jones. (Airily) My first case. Mrs. Keene called me up and engaged my services. Jones. (Loudly) But she can't — she can't do that. Mrs. Jones. (Sweetly) Why not, dear? Jones. Because this is my case ! Mrs. Jones. (Staggered) What? Jones. My case ! Mrs. Jones. But who engaged your services? Jones. (Beaming) The plaintive — her parlor- maid did. Mrs. Jones. (Calmly returns to her book) Oh, that's all right. Jones. (Fully restored to good humor) Natur- ally ! You've got to drop it. Mrs. Jones. (Unruffled) Not a bit of it! Jones. (Nonplussed) Say ! Do you suppose I am going to fight this case out against you? Mrs. Jones. (Proudly) If you take the plaintive's case — you are ! QoNES looks squarely across at his wife. He ex- pects to zvithcr her; but she does not wince.) Jones. (After a slight pause) Well, I'll be — damned ! Mrs. Jones. (Quickly) Don't be coarse, Carl- ton. (With horrid pois'e.) Drop your side, if you're scared. JONES VERSUS JONES 19 Jones. (Grips the table firmly, rises, seems al- most about to percipitate himself across it. Mrs. Jones does not shrink at all.) Go on! Go on, madam ! But let's be calm ! (He szvallozvs heavily she is driving the man to his disadvantage.) Since my marriage you've been a sane, sound, sensible wife noted for your beauty, your wit— such a woman as I have been proud to claim. But by the great j^erring — if you persist in making a fool of your- self, then, madam, there is bound to be trouble. You'll regret it. Mrs. Jones. Do you think you can scare me mto dropping this case? And when I married you— well, according to your lights, you've been a good husband to me. You are moral, ambitious— and wonderful ! But you know you wouldn t dare bully a brother attorney the way you are bullying me. You must understand, Carlton, that I have the same right to practice— and— fc^; the great herring, 1 m qoinq to! . ^ 1 r Jones. (Sneers) You'll make a fine show of your- self, poor woman. Mrs. Jones. I'm not afraid of losing. Jones. (Gibes) Fools rush in Mrs. Jones. (Flushes) Nice professional etiquette, calling me names. 1 .1 ^ 1 Jones. (Roars ) So help me— you drop that case ! Mrs. Jones. No! Jones. (Exasperated, leaps to feet) Ihen, madam, here is another case for you. Mrs. Jones. Good. What is it? Tones. In the divorce courts—Jones Versus Jones. You can come to a decision, madam— as quickly as ^""mrs^ones. (Rising, sweeps up her paper) Thank vou' f will settle that immediately. (She moves rapidly toward her room, turns at her door, erect and 20 JONES VERSUS JONES spirited.) I shall sleep at mother's to-night. Please send my trunks after me. (Exits, banging door.) Jones. (Looks as if he zvould dash in after her — then turns hopelessly away. Stands transfixed a minute, then like a thunder-cloud he makes a dash for his rooms. A traveling case comes flying out, then his hoots, and a scattering of collars and cloth- ing. Jones comes zvJiipping out after them, hurdles across the litter, looks about wildly.) Where the devil is my razor? (Stirs his things up wildly — looks across at his zvife's door, hesitates, rushes at it, bangs loudly on the door.) Say! (Knocks smart- ly.) You! (Knocks again.) Throw out my things — and be quick about it. Won't you answer me? (Knocks harder.) Do it ! And be quick about it. (He hears a szvish of her skirts and nimbly jumps back to a safe distance. The door is opened and out flies some apparel. Her voice calls bitterly.) Mrs. Jones. Why didn't you break in the door and strike me? Jones. You begin to see what you deserve, I notice ! Mrs. Jones, Brute! Jones. Eh ! Jezebel ! What will you say to your mother when you arrive home? Think she is going to receive you in — without comment? (Packing.) I suppose you will have all the notoriety you want before this case is over, my lady. Mrs. Jones. (Cries back) Keep on ! Go on, Carlton. Jones. Since you want to shine as a business woman, this is your chance. You can settle all the costs — and excuse me from paying alimony — Mrs. Attorney! Mrs. Jones. (Calls) Keep your opinions for the court. Jones. Boo ! You'll need to keep yours for some — sister attorney. JONES VERSUS JONES 21 Mrs. Jones. (Cries) That's a compliment to my sex ! Jones. Eh — tabby-cats! Mrs. Jones. Take all the advantage you can ! It's your last chance to browbeat me. Jones. (Slapping bags together) Henpecking — is your favorite pastime ! (^Mrs. Jones comes out carrying a small hand-bag; she has thrown a handsome carriage coat on over her gown. As she sweeps into the room, the bell rings, but Mary going toward the door passes unnoticed. Mrs. Jones has gone down majestically toward the fireplace — Jones has glared at her — and bolted into his room. She hears his door slam. Then very quickly she picks up his framed photograph — looks at it — then drops it into her hand-bag. She is glancing about to see zvhat other trinkets she must carry away, when in comes Mrs. "Dolly," as blithe and gay as a spring morning.) Mrs. Keene. Alice ! Mrs. Jones. (Murmurs) Oh — Mrs. Keene. Mrs. Keene. (Taking in zvrap) Going out? I won't detain you but a second, darling. (^Jones hears the voice and slips out.) And — old Carl ! De- lightful ! (She grasps his hand — turns her head tozvard Mrs. Jones.) I see you have my Mary here. Mrs. Jones. (Da::cd and embarrassed, does not sense the situation, but Jones is bristling with joy. He adjusts himself to watch the encounter.) What, dear? Mrs. Keene. (Nodding plumes complacently) Yes. The maid who left me. Mrs. Jones. Oh ! Mrs. Keene. And so we can settle that case 22 JONES VERSUS jon:es right off. (Before Mrs. Jones has gripped herself together, Mrs. Keene has hustled to the center door and beckons to the 'distant Mary J One moment, Mary, please. Qones smothers a chuckle. Mrs. Jones's glare wilts hiin.) It will make us all so happy. (Enter Mary, set, grim face. Mrs. Keene bubbles zvith energy. Mrs. Jones is waxing angry.) Mary, if I pay the money that you feel is coming to you for wages — in arrears, will you act as a guard where we are holding a Congressional rally to-night ? ("Mrs. Keene has Mrs. Jones on her right, Mr. Jones on her left, Mary is slightly back in the group. She sniffs, folds her arms indifferently. Mrs. Keene, all agloiv, beams on Mrs. Jones. j We are planning a diplomatic demonstration of protest, darling. It's time the country realized the steering gear on the Ship of State is slued all to one side ! Will you, Mary? Mary. (Hesitates at first) I can't make much of a ballast wheel meself, ma'am. Much obliged. Mrs. Keene. (Suavely) But if I doubled those wages, Mary? Mrs. Jones. (Aroused, explodes) Bribery, Mrs. Keene ! Mrs. Keene. (Toying zvith fat-looking, stunning bag) Now, now, my dear, let me handle this case. Well, Mary? Mary. (Wreathed in smiles) I've always main- tained you wuz no fool of a woman, yourself, ma'am. Well, all right ! Mrs. Keene. (Hands her money) None of your compliments, my girl ! There. And no hard feel- ings between us. Mary. Whisht, ma'am. I'll jump at helpin' you, any time. Much obliged. Mrs. Keene. The Congressional rally headquar- ters, Mary. To-night. JONES VERSUS JONES 23 Mary. (Blithely) Sure, ma'am, I'll be there. (Exits, counting money. Jones chuckles.) Mrs. Keene. (Preening herself, appeals to both triumphantly) There! That shows what a little open diplomacy can do! Bribery? An old-fash- ioned method, my child. I am not a lawyer, but at least I was clever enough to settle that little dispute with no great difficulty. (Szifeeps across to Jones, hand extended.) Congratulate me! Jones. (Cordially) Bully! Mrs. Keene. (She dimples, flounces across to dear Alice, smile and hand going before her) And from you — it will be a real compliment, Alice ! Mrs. Jones. (Calmly) My fee, if you please. One hundred dollars Mrs. Keene. (Jumps as if her hand scorched) What? Mrs. Jones. (Undisturbed) You retained my services as counsel for this case — now I demand my fee. Mrs. Keene. (Shocked, horrified beyond belief. Hurls her zvords at her friend) The very idea! JVhy, Alice Jones! I merely talked over the tele- phone to you. (Advances, wagging her finger.) You can't deny that. Just a friendly, happy con- versation. Mrs. Jones. You asked me to accept this case, Airs. Keene, and I did. Mrs. Keene. But I entered into no contract with you. Mrs. Jones. Verbal consent is a contract. Mrs. Keene. (Hysterically) But — I didn't know that. How could I know it ? Anybody will tell you I was ignorant of those facts. Mrs. Jones. Ignorance of the law excuses no one. Mrs. Keene. (Stamps foot) But I settled this case myself. 24 JONES VERSUS JONES Mrs. Jones. You cannot. Mrs. Keene. But you poor soul, I did — I was standing right there Mrs. Jones. If the case is settled out of court, you have saved the expenses of the court. Mrs. Keene. (Triiunphantly) There! You ad- mit it! Mrs. Jones. But — as your attorney, I still de- mand my fee. Mrs. Keene. Well, of all the nerve ! I won't listen to such nonsense. Mrs. Jones. (Lightly) Then — revoke the case. Mrs. Keene. (Jump's at it blithely) All right ! I revoke the case — whatever that is. Mrs. Jones. (Quietly) That makes you liable in damages for all expenses connected with it. (^Mrs. Keene is staggered. She rallies almost in- stantly and appeals to Mr. Jones. j Mrs. Keene. Heavens ! Who — surely, Mr. Jones, this isn't at all fair. (Suddenly loses her temper, stamps.) I demand, sir, that you speak to your wife! Mrs. Jones. (Flashes hack) That is irregular. Any appeal must be made to the court. Mrs. Keene. (Deaf to her, speaks pathetically) You are an admirable lawyer. The truth is, had I seriously wanted the case taken up I should have consulted a man. He has a profound understand- ing of law. (Barks at Alice. j And of women! (Pleads to Jones again.) It is your opinion I want, Carlton. Jones. (Reluctantly) Your — counsel is right, Mrs. Keene. An appeal must be made to the court. That is the law. (^Mrs. Jones gasps. Looks toward him. Her manner has undergone a bright change.) Mrs. Keene. (At bay — is defiant and angry) JONES VERSUS JONES 25 The law! The Imv! What do either of you know about the law? Just because I was smart enough to settle this case myself, you are both jealous of me. There you stand, inventing all sorts of schemes to swallow up some of my money. Jones. Not at all, Mrs. Keene. The point is, I must uphold my — er — brother attorney. Mrs. Keene. Brother fiddlesticks! Jones. If you are not satisfied, by filing a bond you can carry your case to court. Ell take your bond. Mrs. Keene. Oh, no, you won't. Ell take my bond myself — Ell file it myself — and go to court with the case myself. Ell not be the cat's-paw for either of you! (Starts aivay in righteous wrath.) Robbers! (She is gone. Her plumes waving in- dignantly.) Mrs. Jones. (Dropping down on fireside seat) And so endeth my first case ! Jones. (Standing over her proudly) You can't mean to drop it ! Mrs. Jones. Of course! Poor dear Polly. (Looks up at him whimsically ) The blessed woman gave me the chance I wanted to show off before you. Jones. (Beaming) George ! I never saw your real self before. But Em proud of you ! Mrs. Jones. (Briefly) Don't mock me. Jones. (With convincing spirit) Em sincere. Never more so in my life. Why, you'll make a howling success of the law. Mrs. Jones. (Demurely) You are laughing at me now. You know I am not going to practice. Jones. (Decidedly) Yes, you are! That's de- cided ! (Straddles on the rug, tilts his head and ad- mires his wife.) It's queer how youVe picked up my very manner! 26 JONES VERSUS JONES Mrs. Jones. (Jumps) What? (Laughs.) Oh, Carlton, what a boy you are ! Jones. (Honest conviction) It's from being so close together in everything. That's it. Mrs. Jones. (Relishing it) You dumbfound me ! When will you take me for your clerk ? Jones. (Emphatically) Clerk, nothing! My part- ner, madam. (Bozvs over her hand.) Mrs. Jones (Eyes dancing with mischief) Gen- eral, Limited, or Joint partnership, sir ! Jones. (Grins) .Joint — you Shylock. Mrs. Jones. (Glistening eyes) Carlton ! Your partner ! "Jo"^^^ ^'^'^^^ Joiies,^ Attorneys-at-Law." Jones. (Giving over grandly) Yes. I'll order the new shingle to-morrow. Mrs. Jones. (Neatly) Shall I rehearse receiving it? How is this. On my knees, Carlton? (She seems about to szveep in her deep curtsey to the floor, there to remain with bent head.) Jones. (The tone she loves to hear in his voice) Never there, dear heart. Always here — in my arms. (He holds Jier close to his heart. There is a merry but happy look in her eyes as she glances into his. It zvonld annoy them both if zve zvatched their heads drawing closer together.) THE END THE REJUVENATION OF AUNT MARY. The famous comedy in throe acts, by Anne Warner. 7 males, 6 females. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2J4 hours. This IS a g-enuinely funny comedy with splendid pajrts for "Aunt Mary," "Jack," her lively nephew; "Lucinda," a New England an- cient maid of all work; "Jack's" three chums; the dirl "Jack" loves; 'Joshua," Aunt Mary's hired man, etc. "Aunt Mary" was played by May Robson in Now York and on tour for over two years, and it is sure to be a big success wherever pro- duced. We strongly recommend it. Price, 6G Cents- MRS. BUMSTEAD-LEIGH. A pleasingr comedy, in three acts, by Harry James Smith, author of *'The Tailor-Made Man." 6 males, 6 females. One interior scene. Costumes modern. Plays 2J4 hours. Mr. Smith chose for his initial comedy the complications arising Irom the endeavors of a social climber to land herself in the altitude .peopled by hyphenated names — a theme permitting innumerable com- ' plications, according to the spirit of the writer. This most successful comedy was toured for several seasons by Mrs. Fiske with enormous success. Price, 60 Cents. MRS. TEMPLE'S TELEGRAM. A most successful farce in three acts, by Frank Wyatt and Wil- liam Morris. 5 males, 4 females. One interior scene stands through- out the three acts. Costumes modern. Plays 2^ hours. "Mrs. Temple's Telegram" is a sprightly farce in which there is an abundance of fun without any taint of impropriety or any ele- ment of offence. As noticed by Sir Walter Scott, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." There is not a dull moment in the entire farce, and from the time the curtain rises until it makes the final drop the fun is fast and furious. A %SiT exceptional farce. I'rice, 60 Cents. THE NEW CO-ED. A comedy in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of "Tempest and Sunshine," etc. Characters, 4 males, 7 females, though any number of boys and girls can be introduced in the action of the play. One interier and one exterior scene, but can be easily played in one inte- rior scene. Costumes modern. Time, about 2 hours. The theme »if this play is the coming of a new student to the col- lege, her reception by the scholars, her trials and final triumph. There are three especially good girls' parts, Lctty, Madge and Estelle, but the others have plenty to do. "Punch" Doolittle and George Washington Watts, a gentleman of color, are two particularly good comedy characters. We can strongly recommend "The New Co-Ed" to high schools and amateurs. Price, 30 Cttita. (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Pinod4ie«dX SAMUEL FRENCH, 26-30 WMt 36tli StrM«. N«w York Gtty New and Exfriiett Deseripriv* BILLETED. A comedy in 3 acts, by F. Tennison Jesse and H. Harwood. 4 males, 5 females. One easy interior seen''. A charming comedy, constructed with uncommon skill, and abounds with clever lines. Margaret Anglin's big success. Amateurs will find this comedy easy to produce and popular with all audiences. Price, 60 Cents. NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. A comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. Costumes, modern. Two interior scenes. Plays 2^ hours. Is it possible to tell the absolute truth — even for twenty-four hours? It is— at least Bob Bennett, the hero of "Nothing But the Truth," accomplished the feat. The bet he made with his business partners, and the trouble he got into — with his partners, his friends, and his fiancee — this is the subject of William Collier's tremendous comedy hit. "Nothing But the Truth" can be whole-heartedly recommended as one of the most sprightly, amusing and popular comedies that this country pvi boast. Price, 60 Cents. IN WALKED JIMMY. A comedy in 4 acts, by Minnie Z. Jafifa. 10 males, ? females (al- though any number of males and females may be used as clerks, etc.). Two interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2^/2 hours. The thing into which Jimmy walked was a broken-down shoe factory, when the clerks had all been fired, and when the proprietor was in serious contemplation of suicide. Jimmy, nothing else but plain Jimmy, would have been a mysterious figure had it not been for his matter-of-fact manner, his smile and his everlasting humanness. He put the shoe business on its feet, won the heart of the girl clerk, saved her erring brother from jail, escaped that place as a permanent boarding house himself, and foiled the villain. Clean, wholesome comedy with just a touch of human nature, just a dash of excitement and more than a little bit of true philosophy make "In Walked Jimmy" one of the most ^ delightful of plays. Jimmy is full of the religion of life, the religion of happiness and the religion of helpfulness, and he so permeates the atmosphere with his "religion" that everyone is happy. The spirit of optimism, good cheer, and hearty laughter dominates the play. There is not a dull moment in any of the four acts. We strongly recommend it. Price, 60 Cents. MARTHA BY-THE-DAY. An optimistic comedy in three acts, by Julie M. Lippmann, author of the "Martha" stories. 5 males, 5 females. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2J/i hours. It is altogether a gentle thing, this play. It is full of quaint hu- mor, old-fashioned, homely sentiment, the kind that people who see the play will recall and chuckle over to-morrow and the next day. Miss Lippmann has herself adapted her very successful book for stage service, and in doing this has selected from her novel the most telling incidents, infectious comedy and homely sentiment for the play, and the result is thoroughly delightful. Price, 60 Cents. (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 We»t 38th Street, New York City New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request Golden Days A comedy of youth, in four acts, by Sidney Toler and Marion Short. 7 males, 10 females. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 21/^ hours. "Golden Days" is a play with all the charm of youth. It enjoyed a run of sixteen weeks in Chicago with Patricia Collinge in the leading role, and was then brought to the Gaiety Theatre, New York, with Helen Hayes in the part of "'Mary Anne." Price, 75 cents. Come Out of the Kitchen A charming comedy in 3 acts, adapted bv A. E. Thomas from the story of the same name by Alice Duer Miller. 6 males, 5 females. Three interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays 2y2 hours. "Come Out of the Kitchen," with Ruth Chatterton in the leading role, made a notable success on its produc- tion by Henry Miller at the Cohan Theatre, New York. Tt was also a great success at the Strand Theatre, Lon- don. A most ingenious and entertaining comedy, and we strongly recommend it for amateur production. Price, 75 cents His Majesty Bunker Bean A farcical comedy in four acts. By Lee Wilson Dodd. from the novel by Harry Leon Wilson. 12 males, 6 females. Four interior scenes. Costumes, modern, Plaj^s 2V^ hours. Those who have laughed immoderately at Harrj' Leon Wilson's story will be greatly amused by the play, which tells the story of a cowed and cred- ulous youth who became kingly when he was tricked into believing himself a reincarnation of Napoleon. "His Majesty Bunker Bean," with Taylor Holmes in the title role, was brought to the Astor Theatre, New York, after a run of 25 weeks in Chicago. A delightful and wholesome farce comedy with no dull moments. Price, 75 cents A Full House A farcical comedy in three acts. By Fred Jackson. 7 males, 7 females. One interior scene. Modern cos- tumes. Plays 21/^ hours. This newest and funniest of all fai'ces was written by Fred Jackson, the well-known short story writer, and is backed up by the prestige of an impressive New York success and the promise of unlimited fun presented in the most attractive form. A cleverer farce has not been seen for many a long day. "A Full House" Js a house full of laughs. Price, 75 cents (The Abov*- Are Siabject t« Royalty When Produced) y, __ ^ SAMI EL FRENCH, 28-30 West 3Sth Street, New York City Xew ni:ov«» Are Subject -to Royalty When Produced) S AMUEI^ FKENCH, 2S-30 W>st 3Sth Street, New York City \ew and Ii:xplicit Descriutive Catalogue Mailed . Free ots Request