6ZS /^ DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List off Successfful and Popular Plays. Larse Catalogue Free. DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, 2V2 hrs (25c) 8 8 Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 15 After the Game, 2 acts, 1}4 hrs. (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 All for the Cause, 1 act, 1V\ hrs (»c) 10 All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 10 And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs (35c) 6 6 Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 7 5 As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, ly^ hrs (25c) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 6 14 Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, IK hrs. (25c) 17 Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 16 2 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2% hrs. ; i(25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, IM h. (25c) 7 4 Call of the Colors, 2 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 4 10 Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 13/4 hrs (25c) 10 Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 214 hrs (35c) 8 10 Civil Service, 3 acts, 2^/4 hrs. (25c) 6 5 College Town, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 9 8 Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (2Sc) 6 4 Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2^/4 hrs. (25c) 5 5 Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. .(25c) 6 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 '/a hrs (25c) 8 4 Dream That Came True, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, 1^ h.(35c).Optnl. Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1J4 h, (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25g) 4 4 Fifty-Fifty, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 8 For the Love of Johnny, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 6 3 Fun on the Podunk Limited, 1^ hrs (25c) 9 14 Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 3 5 High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2\, In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2M i hrs (25c) 6 4 Jayville Junction, 1% hrs. (25c) 14 17 Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 21^ hrs (25c)10 9 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 12 Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 5 10 Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. (25c) 4 5 Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 5 4 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 j4 Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 3 4 Mirandy's Minstrels. ... (25c) Optnl. Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 7 7 Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 4 7 Old Fashioned Mother, 3 acts, 2V^ hrs (25c) 6 6 Old Maid's Club, 1^ hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 1J4 hrs (25c) 12 9 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 2% hrs. (25c) 10 4 Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^ h.(25c) 7 4 Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 7 9 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 hrs (2Sc)10 12 Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 2% hrs (35c) 7 9 Safety First,, 3 acts, 2Vx hrs (25c) 5 5 Savageland, 2 acts, 2J^ hrs. (50c) 5 5 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 7 Spark of Life, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2J^ hrs (25c) 10 10 Star Bright, 3 acts, 2^4 h. (25c) 6 5 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2J^ hrs (25c) 9 16 Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2}/^ hrs (25c) 7 4 T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Pubiishers.154W.RandolphSt.. Chicago SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING A SMALL TOWN COMEDY In Three Acts of Other Days BY HARRIETT SMIRLE WILSON CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING CHARACTERS. Mrs. Uriah Snodgrass. . . .President of the Uplift Society Seraphina Her ''Anger Daughter Mrs. Abner Doddridge Fat and Gossipy Miss Mossy Spriggs Rather an ''Acid Drop" Mrs. Joshua Perkins A Peace Maker Mrs. Elmer P. D. Killemquick The New Young Doctor's Wife Mrs. Peace Peabody The Village Postmistress Flossy Snippem The Village Seamstress Mrs. Caleb Savinsoules The Minister's Wife Lobelia Witherspoon . ) j-^^-^ ^-^^^^ Spinsters Pamelia Witherspoon ) Lottie Anne Sykes Mrs. J. Anderson Piper Gentle Mother of Sophronia Tilly Tucker Maid of All Work Genevieve Van Houten Sophronia' s Up-to-Date Bridesmaid Sophronia Piper The Bride Elmira Pennywhistle. . . . ) ^-^^^^ Characters Little Tommy Savinsoules ) Act L The Village Hall of Tattletown. Act IL Parlor of Sophronia's Home. Evening. Act HL Same as Act L Time — Several Years Ago. Place — Tattletotmi. Time of Playing — One and Three-quarters Hours. copyright, 1919, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 2©3!,D 521>77 0CT29l9ly SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING STORY OF THE PLAY. Sophronia, a somewhat frivolous and gushing, though sweet-tempered girl, much given to "style" since her one year's course at a fashionable Girls' School, has come home to Tattletown much imbued with up-to-date ideas and attempts to make over her own village and friends, receiv- ing rather half-hearted support in her schemes for advance- ment, but succeeding in establishing the Tattletown Uplift Society. This club meets ostensibly to discuss the civic welfare of the community, and gossip is strictly "taboo," but we shall see how far away they get from their ideal. The news that Sophronia is going to marry a city man, a "tonsorial artist," and has all sorts of up-to-the-minute plans for a fashionable wedding, leads to the calling of a special meeting of the Club by the President (long a dis- approver of Sophronia and "her ways") to discuss Sophro- nia's nonsense and decide whether or not she should be put out of the Society. Much gossip ensues, the meet- ing adjourning with the understanding that, as they all want mightily to attend the ceremony, they will postpone action until the day after the wedding. Sophronia appears unexpectedly and almost disarms their hostility by pleas- antly inviting them all to her house the following night to see her wedding presents. The second act takes place in Sophronia's home. The ladies all come with their quaint, characteristic presents to Sophronia's home, see her other gifts and criticize to their hearts' contents, Sophronia taking it all very good- naturedly. A dash of pathos comes in where Sophronia asks them to sing some of her favorite songs, for in this one thing she is not new-fangled, and a quartette of them sing "The Old Oaken Bucket" effectively, the rest wiping their eyes, and one sings "When You and I Were Young, Maggie," very touchingly, the sadness of the gathering being broken by the arrival of the up-to-the-minute bridesmaid from town, Genevieve Van Houten, whose comments on the rural presents before the givers are far from tactful. She is soon bundled out of the room and presently all leave, 4 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING saddened by the thought that "Sophronia, who kept things going in Tattletown though she was a silly goose," is soon to leave them. In the third act, another meeting in the Village Hall. The sisters straggle into the adjourned meeting of the T. U. S. disconsolately, all expressing in one way or another regret that Sophronia is gone. Instead of the usual round of gossip they remember all the nice things about her. They speak about the grand wedding in retrospect and read with much gratification an account in ''The Sundown Beacon*' describing the gowns each one wore on that occasion. The meeting, which was called for the purpose of ejecting So- phronia and her mother from membership, ends by making Sophronia an honorary member of the T. U. S. The play abounds in quaint and homely humor. The various village types represent their mode of dressing and their absurd gossipings and the contrast between the old-time ways and the "new-fangled" notions are all vividly portrayed and make an evening's entertainment at once charming, quaint and humorous. PROPERTIES. Act I. Embroidery for Miss Spriggs. Knitting for all the other ladies. Act II. Diamond necklace, pink slip of paper containing poetry and pencil and pad for Sophronia. Four pickle dishes on table. One pickle dish for Mrs. Snodgrass. Sad irons for Mrs. Peabody. Hanging lamp for Mrs. Doddridge. Chinese table gong on table. Need not show. Quilt on table. Six finger bowls on table. Cruet stand for Miss Sykes. Feather bed brought in by man. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 5 Sofa cushion on table. Pickle jars. Picture. Jewel box. Act III. Knitting for all the ladies excepting Miss Sykes and Mrs. Peabody. Miss Sykes has a newspaper. Large photographs wrapped for each lady supposed to be the wedding group. A large poster for Mrs. Perkins. COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. With the exception of Mrs. Piper, Sophronia and Gene- vieve, all the characters dress in an old-fashioned manner. Each one should have at least an outlandish touch to their mode of dressing that will make the audience greet them with a laugh when they enter. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right center ; L., left ; I E., first entrance ; U . E., upper entrance ; R. j E., right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Scene : The Village Hall, the walls decorated with lodge banners and "Votes for Women" Streamers, chairs in precise order. At rise, enter Mrs. Snodgrass, Seraphina, Mrs. Per- kins and Miss Spriggs, shaking hands, liow-d'ye-doing, untying bonnet strings and getting out work, tatting, knit- ting, embroidery, etc., as they seat themselves. Enter the doctor's zvife, Mrs. Killemquick^ hurriedly. !Mrs. Killemquick. How do, Mrs. Snodgrass. Plow do, ladies. I'm glad I'm not late. I had to help the doctor with a serious fracture case. He's so rushed ! Miss Spriggs. It's different with the new doctor over to Horsford's Corners. They say he had to run over a man with his 3iUtomobile in order to drum up trade. ]\Irs. Snodgrass. I suppose it's very gratifying to doc- tors to be rushed. What's play to them is death to us, as the frogs said to the boys. Enter ]\Irs. Doddridge,, panting and puffing. Mrs. Snod. Oh, how d'ye do, Sar' Anne. Mrs. Doddridge. How de do, Mrs. Snodgrass and every- body. Mercy me, but this is a walk f er a hot day ! Miss Spriggs (turning to Mrs. Dodd., who sinks panting into a chair). Sar' Anne Doddridge, what a size you are! You look fatter'n ever, seems to me. Mrs. Dodd. (sweetly). Well, leanness don't seem extra popular with the opposite sex, judgin' by your case, Miss Spriggs, my dear. Mrs. Kil. Have you ever tried a cure, dear Mrs. Dodd- ridge? The doctor has a famous cure. First roll over the lawn and back from twenty to forty times of a morning. Then diet, of course. Three cold boiled prunes and a glass of water for breakfast ; dinner, two soda biscuits and a leaf 6 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 7 of lettuce ; supper, a glass of water, a graham wafer and one prune. This coupled with Dr. Killemquick's Famous Anti- fat brings marvelous results. He experimented on his dear Aunt Euphemia. Mrs. Dodd. Land sakes ! Not Euphemia Turner that wuz born a McNab! I hear she wuz dead! Mrs. Kil. (hastily). Yes, she died. But before she passed away she grew thinner and thinner (enthusiastically clasping her hands) till she simply faded into nothing! It was a most gratifying case for Elmer to see the flesh roll oflf her bones. Mrs. Dodd. (crisply). Yes, and her bones roll into their grave. Well, if it's just the same to everybody, I'd prefer to live to enjoy my slimness. Mrs. Kil. (hastily). Of course it wasn't Elmer's treat- ment that killed her. But in any case who could wish for a nobler death than to die for Science? Elmer was so moved that he almost changed the name of the liniment to "Aunt Euphemia's Get-Thin-Quick." Seraphina (to Miss Spriggs). "Aunt Euphemia's Get Dead Quick," I'd say. Mrs. Perkins (looking up from her knitting, kindly). I think fat's kind er becomin' to you, Sar' Anne. I don't be- lieve I'd like yuh thin near so well. Mrs. Dodd. What's the business of the meetin' today, Maria? Madam President, I mean. Mrs. Snod. (grimly). We're called to decide the fate of Sophronia Piper, whether or not, in view of all her silly actions, we shall continue her as a member of the Tattle- town Uplift Society. However, we've still a few minutes for social chat. Ah, here comes Miss Snippem! Enter, hurriedly, Miss Snippem. Miss Snippem. How de do, Mrs. Snodgrass. How are you. Mossy? (Nodding to the rest.) Mercy me! I was scared I'd be late, and if there's one thing I can't abide it's bein' late fer meetin's — spec'lly church. (With compressed lips, meaningly.) 8 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Mrs. Snod. I see yoii noticed it too, Miss Snippem. The minister's wife late again last Sunday. I call it fair dis- graceful ! Miss Spriggs. You don't say. That's the blessing of set- tin' in the choir, yuh can see everything that goes on. That's why some people belong. I think the minister's pew ought to be right out in front, then we all could see the goin's on. {Rolling her hall of yarn while Seraphina holds the skein.) Mrs. Perk, (looking over glasses). Poor Mrs. Savin- soules. She's that worrit ! What with her big family and not much to do on, and the baby with whooping-cough, and the second boy just round from a broken leg, an' no hired help, an' — Miss Snip, (tartly). No hired help? What need has she, Fd like to know ! They do say she uses a washin' ma- chine, too, and a bread-mixer. Downright shiftless, I call it. Enter the Misses Witherspoon, dressed alike, all in a flutter, mincing over to their seats. Miss Pamelia. How d'ye do, ladies and everybody. Miss Lobelia. Oh, ladies, who do you think we just met? Lemuel Snips, the village undertaker, and naturally we stopped him to find, out who's dead or dyin'. (They do say Lemuel keeps his eye on you from the first cough.) And what do you think ! He was drivin' his livery out to Sam Sharp's on the back line fer the old lady. Mrs. Dodd. What ! Sam Sharp's mother-in-law's not dead? Miss Lob. You may well ask. No. Mrs. Sam Sharps turning out her pore bedridden mother again on the road. Miss Pam. Shocking! We say, shocking! Chorus of Ladies. Shame on her ! Disgraceful ! Mrs. Perk. But I heard she wuz goin' up ter Barrie, to visit her other daughter there. I hearn Miss' Sharp say they take her half time, turn about. Mrs. Dodd. Tush ! They fight like Kilkenny cats an' treat the old woman like a dog. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 9 Miss Pam. {continuing). "Well," sez Lemuel to Sam, "yuh want yer mother-in-law taken to the station?" "Yes," sez Sam, "and see that yuh don't miss the train on no ac- count." "Yuh can trust me," sez Lem. "I'll treat her as though she wuz me very own." {Laughs from ladies.) Enter Mrs. Savinsoules quietly. She sinks wearily into a back seat. Mrs. Savinsoules {murmurs). Excuse me, Jimmy cut his toe. Mrs. Snod. {behind her hand to Miss Snippem). Late as usual. Some folks'll be late fer their own funerals. Mrs. Perk, {nods pleasantly to Mrs. Savinsoules). Glad you could come, dear Mrs. Savinsoules. {To Lo- belia.) How is your Brother Tom? Lob. and Pam. Quite well, we thank you, my dear Mrs. Perkins. Mrs. Perk, {knitting azimy and tiirning to Mrs. Killem- jQUICk). I always laugh when I think how Thomas Henery Witherspoon got his name. Lobelia and Pamelia's ma, Mrs. Amelia Witherspoon, wuz a very sentimental woman, not to say of a poetical turn. She named all her children in kind : Aurelia, the eldest, Cornelia, Ophelia, Lobelia and Pamelia. Then came the son and Mrs. Witherspoon for a time wuz puzzled. While she wuz a-switherin' which to call the boy, Adelia or Cecilia, her husband turned, as a worm will do if yuh jest give it long enough, and he ups and ofif to town and registers him "Thomas Henery" before Amelia hed her mind made up. Ha ! ha ! Miss Pam. Our dear mother was the soul of poetry. Miss LoB. The soul of poetry and romance, as dear Pa- melia says. Mrs. Snod. {rising and rapping on the table). Now as we are mostly all assembled together, I'll call the meeting to order, as we've considerable to discuss at this special meet- ing of the Tattletown Uplift Society. First, seein' as we've a new member, the wife of our esteemed doctor, it is incum- bent on me to explain the object of this society. Perhaps 10 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING I ought ter use plainer words to suit the intelHgence of this company. Mrs. Perk, (interrupting). Madam President, yuh were goin' to tell Mrs. Dr. Killemquick the object of this society. Mrs. Snod. Yes, as I was about to say, when somewhat rudely interrupted, the object of the Tattletown Uplift So- ciety is to encourage everything good and high and uplift- ing for our community. As the late revered Elder Snod- grass said to me, many's the time, sed he, **Maria, uplift ! Whatever you do or don't do, uplift, Maria, uplift! Miss Lob. (nodding approval). I'm sure you're a pow- erful uplifting influence, dear Mrs. Snodgrass. Miss Pam. No one can deny that. Mrs. Snod. (gratified) . As I wus sayin', the purpose of our society is to encourage the ennobling and uplifting, and equally to discourage everything low and degrading, such as malicious gossip. As I wus sayin' to Mrs. Ephraim Straggles on the way here today — and will you believe it she's out in half mournings that's no mourning at all and Ephraim Straggles not more than cold. Miss Snip. Three years underground come August. Mrs. Snod. As I wus sayin' to Mrs. Straggles this very day, ''Gossip,," sez I, ''Gossip is the ruination of a nation." I met Mrs. Jerry Watkins right after, drivin' a new team and the old one not paid fer yet, they say. Mrs. Dodd. Do tell ! They say she's terrible extravagant. Don't make home-made soap, ner candles, an' only wears a bunnit the second spring an' hardly ever turns a dress. Now that there brown alpacy of yours, Lucindy Perkins, has been turned three times that I know on. (Mrs. Per- kins hastily draws her apron over her dress.) Mrs. Snod. (continuing). Very different from Jerry's first wife. She had to do the savin' an' the scrapin'. Never hed a trip on the cars in her life, he was that stingy. Mrs. Savin, (in protest). Oh, ladies, ladies! Miss Pam. Almost as bad as Sandy McPherson. It was before the present incumherance came to Tattletown Church. Sandy put a quarter on the plate in mistake fer SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 11 his usual weekly cent. He felt so put out about it that Elder McNab, bein' a Scotch man too and so able to sym- pathize with Sandy, passed him by with the collection plate fer the next twenty-four Sabbaths. The Sabbath after that he presented the plate as usual to Sandy, who, however, pretended not to notice it. But the Elder wouldn't let him off and remarked in a loud whisper, "Yer time's up noo, Sandy." That's straight, Mrs. Savinsoules. Miss Spriggs (biting a thread). Almost as mean as Shirk Sawyer that asked for tradin' stamps with his wife's coffin. Mrs. Dodd. They say Deacon Pennywhistle can tell ye whut everyone's put on the plate fer the last ten years. Mrs. Savin. Oh, ladies, ladies ! Please let us go on with the business of the meeting. Madam President, you were saying — Mrs. Snod. Exactly! Gossip is the one thing {emphat- ically) that we as members of the Tattletown Uplift So- ciety will not tolerate. {Thumping the table for emphasis.) As I was sayin' to Mrs. Straggles only this afternoon {aside), I can't get over her bein' out in half colors so soon. Mi3S Snip, {acidly). Most of us wouldn't mind wearin' mournin' if we could pick the ones we'd wear it for. Mrs. Snod. As I said to Mrs. Straggles, ^'Gossip, Mrs. Straggles, is a criminal crime." Do you know in the bright morning sun yuh could see quite plain where she dyed her hair. Mrs. Perk. Do tell ! Well, she does hold her age well. Miss Spriggs. Hold it? T should say she does! She simply won't let it go on. She holds it where it wuz ten years ago. Mrs. Savin. Oh, ladies, ladies! Really, I — Enter Tommy Savinsoules hurriedly. Tommy. Oh, Ma, come quick! The baby's swallowed a button ! Mrs. Savin, {excitedly pinning on her hat). Oh, dear, dear. What ever shall I do? 12 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Miss Snip, (sarcastically). Give him a buttonhook to swallow after it. Tommy {continuing). An' Jimmie.'s nose is bleedin', an' Katie fell down the cellar steps. Mrs. Kil. {rising excitedly as Mrs. Savinsoules grabs her wraps). How fortunate, Mrs. Savinsoules. The doc- tor is an expert at button extractions. It's just play to him. He specialized on it at college. Mrs. Savin, {murmuring) . Please excuse me, ladies, I'll be back later. {Exit Tommy and Mrs. Savinsoules.) Miss Snip. Such extravagance ! And buttons so dear. Mrs. Snod. That baby ain't so much an infant as a cat. It's got more'n nine lives. I know ten that have been saved for it. ]\Irs. Dodd. Did you ever see such a helpless creature? There should be a commission appointed to run that family. I suppose the eldest daughter is off gadding as usual. Seraphina {sourly). Botanizing, my dear Mrs. Dodd- ridge. She picks a few weeds and calls it botanizing. It's my opinion she meets somebody on these trips of hers to the woods, she's that conniving. Of course I'm not sayin'. ^Iiss LoB. It's that second daughter, Emmy, the nine- year-old, that beats me. She's that upsettin'. Miss Pam. She says she'd rather hev one rattling good detective story than the whole of our Sunday School library. Mrs. Snod. {weakly). My fan, Seraphina, please. ]\Irs. Perk, {laughing heartily). She's a right smart youngster, is Emmy. Beats 'em all at school, I hear. Mrs. Dodd. The teacher favors her somethin' awful, my Jenny May tells me. Mrs. Kil. I hear the eldest son got his B. A. and M. A. last week. Miss Spriggs. Yes, and like the rest of them his Pa'll have to support him, I wager. Enter Mrs. Peabody all in a flutter. Mrs. Peabody. I declare I am late. I simply had to wait fer the three o'clock mail to see if the love letter came SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 13 as usual, and if there was any more passels o' candy. {Re- moves gloves.) Mrs. Kil. (mystified). The love letter? j\Irs. Peabody (sitting down). Yes, Sophronia's. She gits one every day, lavender and scented to kill. And sech mush! (Throws up her hands.) IMrs. Kil. (innocently). But how do you know, Mrs. Peabody ? Mrs. Peabody (/;; a huff). I hope yuh don't think I'd open another person's letter, Mrs. Killemquick. Fm not that kind.. But if folks is sech fools as ter use sech thin envelopes that their writing kin be read through, it ain't my fault, is it? Mrs. Sxod. Indeed, no. But do go on, INIrs. Peabody. Mrs. Peabody (continuing). Yesterday's started "My pre- cious darling, red-lipped cherry." He's called her a cherry, a rose, a tulip, a honey bee and a luscious peach. He'll soon be over the hull garden. Yuh jest ought ter see the passel that came. I can't make out what it is, but it isn't candy this time, ner flowers. It felt kinder smooth and where the corner of the wrapper wuz torn a bit, I saw a pink box. (Ladies are mostly leaning eagerly forward, work sus- pended, hanging on her words, except Mrs. Killemquick and Mrs. Perkins.) Enter ]\Irs. Savinsoules quietly, sinking into her seat and taking out knitting almost unnoticed. Miss Pam. Now I wonder what it w^as. What would you think. Sister Lobelia? You've had more experience than most with men and their gifts. (Coyly.) Mrs. Peabody. I figgered it out it wuz somethin' fer the weddin'. The handwritin' wuz his, that's certain. Mrs. Kil. His? Mrs. Peabody. Yes, Sophronia's young man. Her finance she calls him, and he'll need to be some financer to keep Sophronia Piper in hats alone. She's got a new twenty-dollar pawnamaw. Mrs. Kil. Oh, fi-ance. Is she going to be married? Mrs. Snod. (rising). Yes, and that brings me to the 14 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING business of this meeting. As I wuz explaining to the doc- tor's wife, we females are organized fer the upliftin' of society, and anything affecting its welfare is our concern. Sophronia's wedding is the great thing we are called upon to consider today in detail. Mrs. Savin. But is that a matter affecting the commu- nity? I thought it was a most personal private affair. Mrs. Snod. (emphatically) . It most certainly does affect the moral welfare of Tattletowii. Whether we're going to countenance this outrageous wedding that goes agin' all the established rules fer weddings in this county fer gener- ations, certainly is our business. Miss Spriggs. But I see Mrs. Killemquick looks mysti- fied. Hadn't we better explain from the first, and also review in mind all the other crazy goin's on of Sophronia Piper since she came home from that boarding school, be- fore we pass sentence on her? Mrs. Savin, (timidly). I — I — always liked Sophronia. She's so kind-hearted. Of course she's got a little city style, but I don't see as we should discuss her. I hope you won't. It's her own affair, I'm sure. Mrs. Dodd. That's all very fine, Mrs. Savinsoules, and I suppose it's your business to see good in even the most depraved creatures. But we're workin' fer the upliftin' of Tattletown society and we must not shirk even an unpleas- ant duty. Mrs. Perk. I always enjoy Sophronia and her high- falutin' notions. I can't fergit how kind she wuz settin' by readin' to our Bennie when he broke his leg. Mrs. Snod. (severely). Yes, an' that same night a-goin' to revival meetin' with two pink plumes in her hat, and white boots up to her knees, an' white silk stockings, hose, I mean. But Flossy Snippem, you've sewed fer them lately an' know all the fresh doin's at the Piper farm. (Aside.) Spring Brae as Sophronia has written at the top of her letter paper. (Aloud.) Will you be good enough to inform the society, and especially our new member, just what the complaint agin' Sophronia Piper is, and we can see if sech SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING IS a one is fit to be a member of this honored society. Miss Snippem ! Mrs. Savin, (rising hastily). I — I'm afraid I must go. In fact I left a pan of buns in the oven, and — and Jimmie's cough is worse. In any case, ladies, please put me down for Sophronia. I'll — I'll be back later. (Exit Mrs. Savin- SOULES.) Mrs. Kil. (calling after her). Do try Elmer's new cough mixture, dear Mrs. Savinsoules. Mrs. Peabody. Did you ever? A direct insult, I say, to the Club. Sech a tactless woman ! I alwus feel that with all her saintly looks she's settin' in judgment on every one of us all the time. Miss Lob. I'll bet that bread will be burned to a cinder. Sech extravagance. White flour, too, as I happen to know. Miss Pam. Did you notice the third button missing on the minister's coat on Sabbath? Sech shiftlessness ! Miss Sriggs. His horse is skin and bones. Jest a frame, yuh might say. Mrs. Perk. We'd ort to git him an automobile, then. Mrs. Snod. Mrs. Savinsoules'll have trouble enough lookin' after that giddy young daughter of hers, I'll say. My Seraphina has caught Carrie Savinsoules smilin' at the organist more than onct in prayers, an' they say she spends most of her time toggin' up her clothes an 'powderin' with talcum powder. Chorus of Ladies. Shocking ! Massy me ! Land sakes ! Seraphina. Mrs. Henry McMaster, the druggists's wife, sez that lately she's bought a pink liquid that may be for dyein' her old blouses, as she says, and may not. I'm not the one to say she paints. I'm too charitable to put my thoughts into words. Miss Spriggs. I heard she wuz keepin* company with a movin' picture man. Chorus of Ladies. The hussy ! Impossible ! Mercy sakes ! Mrs. Perk, (who has been laughing heartily, drying her eyes). I think I kin explain. When she was up at Acton 16 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING visitin' her Aunt Susanna last month, Susanna's nevvy, Jack SmelHe, took her out a bit in his buggy. Miss Pam. Well, what of it? Jack Smellie's a decent man. Mrs. Perk, (still laughing). He's the movin' picture man. He goes roun' to the Fall fairs takin' pictures — an itinerating photographer, he calls himself, otherwise a movin' picture man. He moves with the fairs. Ha, ha ! Mrs. Sxod. {sharply). She's not worth wasting time on. We won't shirk our duty, however unpleasant. Aliss Snip- pem, will you please enlighten the meeting as to what you know of Sophronia Piper's crazy carryin's on in the last year. I warn you it's properly sickenin', ]\lrs. Killemquick. Miss Snip, {clearing her throat and rising). \Vell, as you all know, ladies, Sophronia Piper came home from her city boardin' school full of fool ideas which she proceeded first to practice on her poor ma. Not that I've any pity for Selina Ann Piper that was born a Hobbes. ]\Irs. Peabody. That's what gets me. Selina Ann seems as loony as Sophronia. Loonier, if possible. Miss Snip. Selina Ann's plum crazy. She's the beatin- est ever. Far from stoppin' Sophronia in her fool notions, she actually sics her on. Mrs. Peabody {nodding). Sez she to me, ''Peace, I ain't evisr hed a chanst fer stylishness myself, an' Pm bound Sophronia will. I sent her to school from my egg and butter money an' it's the best investment I ever made." Miss Lob. Yes, that woman is dippy. Only the other day, speakin' of Sophronia to me, sez she, "When Sophro- nia was a mite of a thing in her cradle I felt she wuz born fer big things. Sez I to the nurse then — 'Mark my words, that infant will go far. She'll vet ride in her own automo- bile.' " Mrs. Snod. {v.nth compressed lips). I think it has been fully established that Selina Ann is plum crazy. Pray pro- ceed. Miss Snippem. Miss Snip, {continuing). Well, will yuh believe it, the first thing Sophronia did when she landed in the house SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 17 wuz to take down all the hair wreaths framed on the wall, wrought of the hair of Hobbses' and Pipers' dead and gone, an' the framed silver coffin handles and breast plate of the late Jonas Piper, an' put them all away in the attic, because sech ornaments aren't stylish nowadays. And Selina Ann Piper stood fer it. Chorus of Shocked Voices. Blasphemy ! Mercy sakes, what next ! Mrs. Perk. Bully fer Sophronia, I say. Miss Snip, (continuing). The same with the waxed flowers an' lovely sea shell parlor ornaments, an' them grand rag carpets with the peacocks and St. Bernard dogs. They aren't stylish, either, it seems (mockingly) , not used by the best people, you know. Mrs. Peabody. She's turned that best room of Selina Ann Piper's into a thing about as lively as a hospital ward. No carpets, just polished floors. No hair-cloth sofy ner wax plants, jest a davenport an' some gimcracks. She keeps messing up the house with wild flowers, too. Miss Spriggs. But it's Sophronia herself that gets me, Mrs. Killemquick. I wish you'd see her hair, all coils an* puffs an' frizzes an' bangs, an' earrings down to her waist, an' colored shoes an' stockin's to match. She's loony on the matchin'. The barns an' stables hev to be painted green an' browns to tone with the trees an' herbage. Seraphina. I believe she'll be paintin' the cows green next to go with the grass, or blue to tone with the sky. Miss Lob. And she's dolled up Selina Ann, her ma, like a Christmas tree. Miss Pam. 'Pon my word, I didn't know Selina Ann the first time I met her after Sophronia had made her over. You know her little pepper an' salt bun of hair like a cap- sule. (Aside.) The Hobbses all hev such poor hair an' false teeth mostly. (Aloud.) Well, Selina Ann appeared brazenly in a glorious crop uv brown curls that made her look as if she'd been out in the rain all night. Mrs. Snod. Jest fancy ! Sophronia calls it a "transfor- 18 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING mation" and says all the ladies wear 'em an' no bones about it. Miss Pam. {continuing). Then Selina Ann's limpin' round in high-heeled shoes an' shortish skirts an' — (aside) but I know you'll hardly credit it (aloud), a bright St. Pat- rick's green wool jacket that Sophronia calls a sweater. Mrs. Peabody. An' her late lamented husband rode as King Billy in the Tattletown Lodge fer twenty years. Miss Snip. Well, when she got the house fussed up, nothin' would do Sophronia but she'd uplift us. So she gives a. At Home. Mrs. Dodd. Where else would ye hev a tea-party I'd like to know but at home. In the hay loft? ]\Iiss Snip (continuing). Well, anyhow we all went with our tatting an' our knitting an' clean white aprons an' empty stomicks, calculatin' on hevin 'a good feed of Selina Ann's roast chickens an' cherry pies. Mrs. Perk. I'll say that fer the Piper women, they kin cook. Miss Snip. And what ever do you think, Mrs. Killem- quick? About four o'clock, when we wuz beginnin' to ex- pect smells from the kitchen, in comes Jimmy Tucker's girl, Tilly, all rigged up in a cap and apron and lookin' like she'd burst, carryin' a tray o' tea cups. Next she ups and passes slim slivers of bread rolled with pink ribbon an' carrot tops or grass er — Miss Lob. Parsley, my dear Miss Snippem. Miss Spriggs. Yes, an' Mandy Fisher et ribbon an' all an' nearly choked. Miss Snip. And with the exception of some heathenish new pickles called olives (aside), which I couldn't eat fer the life uv me bein' so like a dose of medicine. (Aloud.) That was every blessed bite we got to eat, though we sot on till near milkin' time. Miss Pam. We'd a sot there till doomsday if Tilly Tucker hedn't tipped it off to Lobelia that the At Home wuz over. An' no set-down supper at all. Mrs. Peabody. Yuh should a seen Mandy Fisher wrestlin' SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 19 with a olive. (Aside.) The new kind of pickle, Mrs. Kill- emquick. (To the ladies.) I never want to see sech a suf- ferin' countenance on a mortal bein' again. But she got it down, stone an' all. Mrs. Dodd. Mandy's akind er goat anyway. She swal- lered a carpet tack an 'a quarter when she wuz a mite uv a thing. Her poor ma felt awful about it. Mrs. Kil. Was the child permanently injured? Now, if Elmer — Mrs. Dodd. Tush ! Mandy wuz none the worse, but the quarter was a total loss. Mrs. Snod. Why ain't Mandy here today? Mrs. Perk, (suddenly laughing). Why, bless me, I for- got. Hiram dropped in last night to say 'Mandy'd swallered part uv her upper set o' teeth last Tuesday an' hadn't got her new plate yet. Ha, ha ! Miss Spriggs. Seems a deep-seated habit with Mandy. Mrs. Perk. Well, I kin tell you to this day Joshua has the laugh on me bustlin' home to the milk cellar to eat him an' the hired hand's supper leavins after the grand At Home. Miss Snip. Certainly the frame o' mind o' the females of Tattletown community that night was not accordin' to Scripture. Mrs. Kil. What a truly extraordinary personage. Rather interesting I should think, though. Mrs. Perk. She's that all right, is Sophronia. I'm awful fond of her, style an' all. We'd stagnate only fer Sophronia an' her doin's. Enter Mrs. Savinsoules quickly. Mrs. Savin. I hope I'm in time for the report of the Civics Committee. Mrs. Snod. And / hope that bread didn't burn, if bread there wuz. Mrs. Savin. It was quite all right, thank you. (Seating herself and beginning to knit.) Mrs. Peabody. You know, of course, that Sophronia Piper has started a class in Civics an' she goes round gettin' 20 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING folks to paint their board barns an' fences in pastel shades an' striking out the big ads. She's even made their old sheepdog, Towser, into a French poodle by shaving his body all but a tuft on the tail an' neck an' feet. Mrs. Perk. She is the beatinest ! She's cast a spell over everybody. She calls Jabe Stokes, their hired man, "the coachman" when he drives her, "the groom" when he cleans the stables, and "the gardener" the rest of the time, an' she makes him dress up in a white collar when he goes to the village, an' wear a biled shirt like 'twas Sunday — (shaking her head and laughing) — a "neglected" shirt, she calls it. ]\Irs. KiL. (mystified). A neglected shirt ? Oh, you must mean a negligee. Miss Snip. An' the clothes she's bought an' them I've made f er her ! Reams and rafts uv them white lingering things as they call them at Simpson's, an' caps. (Aside.) Border caps (aloud) fer breakfast, caps fer tea, caps fer the opery ! Mrs. Snod. (sharply). What! You don't mean to tell me that a daughter of the late Elder Jonas Piper plans attendin' the theatre? Miss Snip, (grbnly). That I do, an' whut's more she plays with playing cards. Chorus of Ladies (zvith hands uplifted). Mercy me! You can't mean it ! Miss Snip, (impressively) . Yes, a scandalous gambling game called "solitary." Mrs. Kil. Oh, solitaire. Well, it's not really gambling. You say she's going to be married? She must be marrying wealth. What is her intended's business or profession, may I ask-? Mrs. Peabody. He's a tonsorial artist, Tilly Tucker says, whatever kind of a painter that may be. (Mrs. Killem- (jUiCK smiles but says nothing.) Seraphina (sniffily). A sign painter like as not. Mrs. Perk. Them painters gets an awful lot of money SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 21 fer their pictures. They paint Presidents, an' Senators, an' Mayors, an' Generals, an' Ministers. Miss Pam. Probably he's painted — {use local names). The height of them artists' ambitions, I've heard, is to get hung in the Academy. Miss Spriggs. To get hung? Well, serves 'em right, but I never knew of anyone hankerin' to get hung. Mrs. Peabody. Well, I dunno. Anyway Tilly says he's a tonsorial artist with three stands going, of four chairs apiece. Mrs. Perk. That's queer. I know them dentists have to hev assistants nowadays to help torture you, but painters. (Shakes her head doubt fully.) Mrs. Snod. (rising). But the time is getting on. There's lots more damaging evidence we might recite against So- phronia Piper, but we won't waste our valuable time. I wonder why Miss Lottie Anne Sykes ain't here. She alwus has the latest bein' the party line phone's in her shop. Mrs. Kil. W^hy are Miss Sophronia and her mother not here, if they are members? Miss Spriggs. Fer the best uv reasons. They weren't notified uv the meetin', an' I suppose Lottie Anne Sykes is too busy courtin' Sam Skinner's brother that's come home from the West to settle. Miss Lob. They say she's there fussin' up his bachelor quarters an' cookin' fer him all the time she's not listenin* on the telephone. By the way, I hear Abe Spalding's got his fourth wife. Mrs. Snod. She's not so much a wife as a habit. But here comes Lottie Anne. Enter Miss Lottie Anne Sykes all in a flutter and gig- gling. Miss Sykes. Bless me! I'm here before the end any- way. My time is so taken up these days, tee hee, tee hee. I'd never have got here if somebody hadn't driv me, tee hee! Miss Spriggs, Mrs. Peabody, Mrs. Snod. (eagerly). Any fresh news, Lottie Anne? 22 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Miss Sykes. About Sophronia's wedding, yuh mean? Jest before I came away there was a long distance call an' bein' a party line and as I went jest then to call up — ahem — Mr. Skinner (coyly), I simply couldn't help hearing, though I never listen. It kept me most half an hour. Sophronia Piper was giving orders fer the wedding. Mrs. Snod. and Others. Yes? Yes? What next? What now? Miss Sykes. She's having a fiower-ist come to decorate the house and church. A flowerist an' he's to tie posies of Mar-guer-ites (aside) plain daisies (aloud) on all the pews, an' there's to be ushers with lavender ties all alike, an' gray spats, and her finance is giving them each a silver cigarette case, women an 'all. Mrs. Dodd. Fer land's sake ! Whoever heard of sech doin's ? Miss Sykes. The bridesmaids are to carry baskets of roses, an' the maid of honor a shepherd's crook. Mrs. Perk. Well, that's old-fashioned enough. Joshua has an old sheep crook, though fer me I'd jest as soon hev a crutch. Miss Sykes. Of flowers, Mrs. Perkins, all uv flowers an' ribbons. Mrs. Perk, (wide-eyed). Land sakes ! Ye never can be on to Sophronia ! Miss Pam. Hev ye heard o' the house she's planned fer herself? Period rooms, if yuh please. A Georgian parlor. (Aside.) Drawing room, she calls it — she's got drawin' on the brain sence she's goin' to marry a tonsorial artist. (Aloud.) An early Victorian living room, Queen Anne dining room an' Mary Ann kitchen, I suppose. Mrs. Peabody. An' uv all the devices for savin' work! An electric carpet sweeper, electric cookers, an' toasters, an' washers, an' shower-bath, an' sewin' machine. Miss Lob. Sophronia'll jest hev to ring the electric push bell by her bed uv a-mornin', an' get the maid to turn on the electric switches an' set the machinery goin' while the two of them sets around readin' French novels. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 23 Seraphina. Seems to me she'll need an electrician more than a hired girl. Mrs. Peabody. The hired girl (aside) — maid, I mean — • (aloud) is to wear lavender ginghams in the morning an' black with French aprons in the afternoon, an' Sophronia won't hev so much as to soil her hands answerin' the door "^^ • Enter Tommy Savinsoules, excitedly. Tommy. Hurry, !Ma ! The kitchen chimney's afire, an' the plaster's fell down in the front room, an' baby's under it, an' the horse has broke through the fence into Deacon Spottem's oats ! Mrs. Savin, (ivringing her hands). Oh, dear, oh, dear! Is he hurt, Tommy? Tommy. I dunno. I didn't know whether to go to the baby er the horse, the deacon's that pertikler about his oats. So I came fer you. Mrs. Kil. (rising and putting hands on Mrs. Savin- soule's arm). The Doctor's specialty, Mrs. Savinsoules, is injuries to the head, especially from plaster falling. He wrote an article once on it in the Globe. Mrs. Savin, (calling hack over shoulder). Thank you, I'm sure. If it comes to a vote, put me down for Sophro- nia. I always liked Sophronia. (Exit Mrs. Savinsoules and Tommy.) Mrs. Snod. Of all the poor managers. She couldn't run a hen coop. ^Irs. Perk, (firmly). I think instead of criticizing the minister's wife, it ud suit us better to get the Ladies' Aid together an' raise funds to plaster that parsonage an' put it all in repair. Mrs. Snod. You alwus wuz soft, Lucindy Perkins. (To Miss Sykes.) Did yuh happen to hear anything more about the weddin', Lottie Anne? Miss Sykes. No. Jest then someone interrupted on the Hne 'phonin' about Stephen Stone's barn. It's burnt down again an' they say it looks very suspicious like. The mort- gage wuz jest about due an' he got it insured only a month ago. Of course it's not fer me to say — 24 SOPHRONTA'S WEDDING Mrs. Snod. No doubt he burnt it himself. Them Stones wuz alwus a lawless set. Susan Stone'll be comin' out in a new astrakan coat or some sech extravagance, you'll see. What was that you were sayin' about Matilda Winterbot- tom, Lottie Anne? Miss Sykes. I heard her ordering a new switch an' transformation long distance from the city, fer the weddin', I suppose. Mrs. Dodd. Yes, an' she gev only twenty-five cents at the Thankoffering last month, as I happen to know. Miss Sykes. While I was 'phoning yesterday morning (aside) on a very personal matter, tee hee, tee hee (aloud), I heard Job Aikins an' his wife quarrelin' somethin' awful over the line. It seems she had to send the hired help to bring him home from the saloon last Saturday night. Miss Snip. Serves Melia Aikins right. She wuz bound to git that man, an' chased him round somethin' terrible. I'll bet it's her temper that has driv' him to drink. Mrs. Peabody. Speakin' of fightin', the Bob Riley's are at it cats an' dogs. As I wuz comin' along to meetin' I stepped into the drug store to get me a plaster fer Manas- seh's back, when in comes little Jimmie Riley askin' fer a bottle o' liquid cement an' a nickel's worth o' court plaster. I sez, ''What's up now, Jimmie, what d'ye want cement and court plaster fer?" Jimmie fair floored me; sez he, ''The cement's fer ma's good teapot what she broke, an' the plas- ter's fer pa's head w^hat she broke it on." I could hardly keep from laughin', he put it so funny. Mrs. Perk, (iviphig her eyes). I'll bet Jimmie wuz stringin' yuh, Peace. He's the beatenist kid. Miss Sykes (rising and drazving on gloves). Well, I really must be going. I jest dropped in to pass the time o' day anyhow. I don't know how it is, but if I ever go to the 'phone someone's alwus phonin' somethin' scandalous, an' I can't help hearin' whether or no. It's a good thing I ain't one to carry a story. But the things I know about everybody (looking round her impressively) . But I must be off. Someone will be tired waitin' at the door with his SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 25 new team. {Coyly.) Tee hee, tee hee. It doesn't do to keep a man waitin' too long, tee hee. {Exit Miss Sykes.) Miss SrRiGGS. She never will. She'll clinch him before the words are cool off his tongue. Well, Sophronia Piper ain't the only fool in Tattletown society. Mrs. Perk. Lottie Anne Sykes orn't to be let out with- out a keeper, as Joshua has often remarked. Miss Pam. They say she only leaves that party line to eat and sleep. Mrs. Snod. Well, certainly Lottie Anne always has somethin' interesting to say. Just fancy Stephen Stone burnin' his barn fer the insurance money. Was seen with matches and kerosene, didn't Lottie Anne say? Mrs. Perk. Well, if he wuz seen with a match last night it wuz on our back porch with Joshua, fer they sat there together an' smoked all evening. ]\Iiss vSnip. Well, if he didn't burn it himself he got the hired man to, mark my words. It'll be a comedown fer Mrs. Stephen Stone to have her husband tried fer arson. She's that upstartin' sence her uncle is a Alderman. Mrs. Snod. But now to the business in hand. Shall we or shall we not continue Sophronia Piper an' her demented mother on the roll of our honored Uplift Society? I know what / think. Enter Mrs. Savinsoules and quietly takes her place. Mrs. Peabody. Madam President, we've heard more'n enough. I move that we notify Sophronia Piper an' Mrs. Jonas Piper that their names hev been struck off the rolls of the T. U. S. {Applause all hut Mrs. Perkins and Mrs. Savinsoules, "(Sjho shake heads.) Mrs. Dodd. You're right, Mrs. Snodgrass an' Peace Peabody, but we must consider all aspects uv the case. If we drop Sophronia we can't go to her weddin', an' I fer one am goin' to that weddin' if I have to be carried. Miss Lob. So'm I. Besides, we sent a wedding present, real silver plate cruet stand, bottles an' all, an' we're going to get the worth of it out o' it somehow. (Pamelia nods violent assent.) 2(i SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Miss Spriggs. I wouldn't miss it fer a circus, an' I guess that's how we all feel. Wherefore I move that we leave the matter of Sophronia Piper's dismissal from Tattletown Uplift Society until after the wedding, so's we can all go with a clear conscience and get our money's worth. I my- self have sent a valuable antimaicassar. Miss Snip. I second the motion and further move that we call a special meeting for the purpose afore mentioned, Friday afternoon, two days after the weddin', giving us one to rest up. (Applause and nods of assent.) Mrs. Perk. I alwus say Sophronia don't mean no harm an' is the soul of kindliness. Also we git a great deal uv livenin' up as a community out of her doin's. Fer my part I won't vote agin Sophronia. (Noise without of fuss and yapping.) Mrs. Snod. (solemnly). As the widder uv the late la- mented Elder Snodgrass, that missed but one Sabbath serv- ice in thirty-nine years, I feel it my bounden duty to resign my high office as President of the T. U. S. if Sophronia Piper an' her silly ma are continued in membership. (Nods and exclamations.) Hear! Hear! Mrs. Dodd. The President is right, but as aforesaid we must see that marvelous wedding an' sample that supper. Seraphina. Supper? Sophronia calls it a breakfast, an' I guess it is, for there's to be toasts at it, Lottie Anne said. I suppose a variety of toast, cream toast, butter toast, cin- namon toast, etc. They said "toasts" on the party line. Miss Spriggs. Selina Ann says it's to be high tea. Miss Pam. High tea? Well, everything's high, but it's poor taste to refer to the prices of things before intending guests, is it not, sisters? (Lobelia nods. Bustle zmthout.) Enter Sophronia in a fluff of ruffles with a small dog in her arms, laughing and nodding. Sophronia. How do you do, everybody. Oh, you sly people! Never letting on to me about this meeting. (Shakes finger at them gayly.) Something up your sleeves, Pll bet. (To the dog.) Down, Fluffy, down! (To the ladies.) I just dropped in as I was passing to ask you all to come up SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 27 to our house tomorrow evening and see my pretty things and presents. They're perfectly ducky. I want every one of you. (To the dog.) Don't we, Fluffy Ruffles? Mrs. Snod. (stiffly). Thank you, I'm sure. This is our new member, Mrs. Killemquick, the doctor's wife. You surely got your notice of the meeting. If not, no doubt it wuz thought you'd be too busy to attend so near your nuptials. SoPHRONiA (shaking hands heartily with Mrs. Kil.). Delighted to meet you, Mrs. Killemquick. You'll come and bring the darling doctor, won't you? Isn't Fluffy Ruffles a perfect precious? Dear Chester sent him to me. Every- one is carrying Pomeranians in town. This one just matches my going-away frock, I just had to have one. {To the dog.) There, there; did umn not like the nassy ladies! Bless urns heart. (To the ladies.) Now I must run along. Do come tomorrow night, everybody, like dears — you, dear Mrs. Perkins, you. Miss Pamelia. Goodbye, then, everybody. It's Fluffy's bathtime. (Waving airily as she fluffs off.) Au revoir till tomorrow night. (Exit Sophro- NiA. Ladies nod delightedly for the most part.) Mrs. Dodd. That girl casts a spell over folks. When she's round I can't fer the life uv me help likin' her, though my conscience tells me it's a weakness. (Ladies nod assent.) Mrs. Snod. I'm glad Fm not of a weak nature. You'll notice / didn't accept the invitatiofi. As the widder uv the late lamented Elder Snodgrass I feel it my bounden duty to keep away from sech light company. Mrs. Peabody (ivho for some time has been looking mystified, suddenly sees light). So that's the Pom! Well, well, well ! Fer the life uv me I couldn't make out all the letters an' the telegrams referring to the buying an' ship- ping of a Pom. I asked Miss Lobelia here, an' she sed it wuz French fer an apple, "pomme," an apple sez she. But thinks I it's a lot of fuss to make over buyin' an apple. That's what was in yesterday's box that baffled me. Dog biscuits fer the Pom ! I see it all now. Well, who'd a thunk it. 28 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Miss Snip. Well, I suppose we'll all meet tomorrow night. Mrs. Snod. (rising). If there's no further business, I declare this meeting — Interrupting by the pUinging entrance of Miss Elmira Pennywhistle_, wildly waving her hand. Elmira. Wait a minute, ladies ! Listen. You'll never credit it. I was up to Horsford's Corners today an' went to the Free Library to see if the Encyclopaedy told how much them tonsorial artists got paid fer paintin' kings, an' ministers, an' things, and wJiat do you think! I nearly had a fit. Chorus OF Ladies {crowding round) . Whatever, Elmiry ! Quick ! Do tell ! Elmira (impressively) . A tonsorial artist isn't a painter artist at all ! It's — a — barber ! (Curtain descends amid exclamations of extreme sur- prise. Massy me! Fer land's sake! Who'd ever a thunk it!) Curtain. Act II. Scene: Parlor of the Piper farmstead zvith a number of wedding gifts spread out on mantel and tables, includ- ing a goodly array of glass, silver, gaudy fancy work, a number of old-fashioned things such as bright colored quilts, stuffed birds, tidies, water set, enlarged photos, etc. Selina Ann Piper and Sophronia are looking at the gifts. Selina Ann Piper. Mercy me ! Whatever will you do with three pickle dishes, colored ones at that, Sophronia? Gracious, and this brilliant water set — Sophronia {laughing good naturedly). You're getting to have quite good taste, Mamma. You'll soon be a fusser. But they're such old dears, the Tattletown friends. For their sakes I love even this atrocity. (Holds up a very gaudy tidy.) SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 29 Selina. Looks like it wuz made for the missionaries' box. {Her eye lighting on a very showy quilt.) Sophronia, you'd better leave this behind with me. I ken use it on the hired man's bed or mebbe smuggle it into the rummage sale. Enter Tilly excitedly with a parcel. Selina. But Great Ned ! Another pickle dish I'll bet. This time it's red for a change. Where do they get them all ! (Reads the accompanying card.) ''With the respectful respects of Hiram and Mrs. Hiram Doolittle. May your path in life be as rosy as this dish." Sophronia. The dear old things. They knew a nice wish was in order and that was quite an efifort for them, 1 expect. Dear Genevieve's train will be due soon. I'm sure I hope she and the Tattletown folk hit it oflf. They're not exactly the same type and Genevieve's long suit isn't tact. There! (Going to the zvindow.) I hear the ladies ! You know, Mamma, I'll miss the circle of old friends, quaint as they are. Enter Mrs. Snodgrass, Mrs. Peabody, Miss Spriggs with wrapped parcels of various sizes. Selina and Tilly relieve the ladies of their parcels and wraps, as they chat, and Tilly exits with all the wraps. Sophronia (shaking hands). How do you do, dear Mrs. Snodgrass. I was afraid it was too damp for your rheu- matism. Did you try that liniment I sent over by the milk- man? Now what is that? (As Mrs. Snodgrass unwraps her parcel.) Mrs. Snod. It's a pickle dish. I didn't think you'd get any. Jest a little gift, as you might say, from Seraphina and me. Selina (groaning irrepressibly). She only has four already. Sophronia (quickly). But this is a beauty. (Holding it up.) It's so unique and red is one of my favorite colors. Besides, Chester is so terribly fond of pickles. We can have five kinds on the table at once. (Mrs. Snodgrass looks gratified.) 30 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Mrs. Snod. (aside to Mrs. Peabody). When I sed I wouldn't come tonight I never reckoned on Seraphina sprain- ing her ankle an' not being able to tell me all about it. (To Selina.) How elegant the gifts are, Selina Ann. SoPHRONiA (taking bundle from Mrs. Peabody and un- wrapping it.) Mercy, whatever have you been doing, Mrs. Peabody ! This feels fearfully heavy. Mrs. Feabody (proudly). It is that. They are. Manas- seh an' I alwus gives the brides what's weddin's we attend the same thing — a set of sad irons. Somethin' useful alike in palace an' hovel. As Manasseh sed, "Give 'em somethin* they won't hev to buy." Manasseh composed the card him- self. (Modestly.) Shall I read it? (Sophronia nods with interest.) *'May you never have anything sadder cross your path in life than these sad irons." A lovely sentiment, ain't it, though I'll admit I never knew why sad irons wuz sad. Sophronia. Charming! How perfectly dear of you! My electric iron is sure to get out of order often. Enter Mrs. Doddridge struggling behind a huge bundle and calling over her shoulder. Mrs. Dodd. Fetch the shade, Tommy. (Panting and puffing and mopping her brow.) Tommy Savin soules enters with lamp shade. Tommy. Here y'are. W-h-e-w ! So long ladies. (Exit Tommy.) Sophronia. My dear Mrs. Doddridge, whatever have you got there ? You really shouldn't have — Mrs. Dodd. (proudly unwrapping). It's a hangin' lamp fer the parlor. As big a one as I could git in town. Abner sez nothing so ornamental an' so cheery at onct as a hangin' lamp, an' the bigger the cheerier. Miss Sprtggs. But, Mrs. Doddridge, what er ye thinkin' of? They don't use kerosene in the city. Sophronia's house will be all lighted with 'lectricity. (Mrs. Doddridge looks crestfallen and Sophronia hastens to explain.) SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 31 SoPHRONiA. But our lights are so often out of order! Everyone should have at least one lamp, and such a beauty ! Miss Snip, (dryly). You'll hev to build an extra wing on the house to accommodate it. Mrs. Dodd. (doubtfully). .Perhaps my first idear was the best. I wanted ter give you a stuffed owl hut Abner hung out fer the lamp. I see yeh hev a bird anyways, a pa'tridge. I'm partial to owls. SoPHRONiA. I love the lamp. Look at my things, friends. (Ladies continue to examine carefully.) Aren't they glo- rious! What is it. Miss Snippem? Oh, that! Why, that's a Chinese table gong a dear friend sent who has travelled a great deal in the Orient. Mrs. Snod. (to Miss Snippem). I thought there wuz somethin' heathenish about it. Sophronia (to Miss Pamelia). That is Wedgewood. Don't you adore Wedgewood ? Miss Lob. (turning the dish over). Well now! Wedge- wood ! I could have sworn it wuz crockery. Be careful, Pamelia, of that cut glass. Don't go too near it or you'll get cut. Miss Snip. Selina Ann! Did Petunia Pennywhistle give Sophronia this here quilt? (Selina nods.) I thought as much. Pve seen it on her spare bed many's the time. Her Grandma Parker died under it. Mrs. Kil. (aside to Mrs. Savinsoules). I don't wonder at that. Miss Pam. She got it dry cleaned no doubt. I lent her that shell pattern fer it twenty years ago. That is — er — I should say five or six years ago. I was scarcely old enough to make a quilt twenty years ago, tee, hee ! Mrs. Dodd. (who has been turning things over with crit- ical gaze). So-phron-i-a ! Whatever do yuh want six little glass basins all ahke fer? Sophronia. Oh, that is a set of finger-bowls, dear Mrs. Doddridge. Mrs. Dodd. (mystified) . Finger-bowls? Wan fer each finger 3^uh mean? 32 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING SoPHRONiA. Well, not exactly. After a dinner, more or less formal, you dip your fingers in one of these. Gener- ally there's a bit of a flower or a leaf floating in them, in harmony with the decorations. Mrs. Dodd. Huh! If I didn't hev me hands clean before I went to the table, I'm blest if I'd wash them at it before the others. Do they pass a towel, too? SoPHRONiA (laughing good naturedly). Oh, they're all I he go. What do you think of dear Chester's present to me? One of them — {holds up a diamond necklace). ^Irs. Snod. (gasping). Is them real diamond stones? SoPHRONiA. Yes. Mrs. Snod. Well, I don't like to say zvhiit I think uv the extravagance uv men nowadays. Selina Ann Piper, wan uv them stones would hev bought your whole outfit, weddin' an all, an' paid fer the minister besides. Selina (sighing). Oh, yes, Maria. But times is changed nowadays and we've got to keep up to the fashions. Enter Lottie Anne Sykes and deposits a bundle zvhich Sophronia proceeds to open. Miss Sykes. How de do, everybody. I'd like to ask somebody in that's outside. He driv' me over, tee hee, tee hee, but I supposed this was a female gathering. There, Sophronia, I jest brought you a cruet stand, a gift, as I conceive, at once useful an' ornamental. I nearly brought you a stufifed owl but an owl's merely ornamental. Would you hev preferred the owl? Sophronia (hastily). Oh, no, no. When it comes to a cruet or a barn owl, me for the cruet every time. Thank you so much, Lottie Anne. (Reading card.) "With the best respects of Mr. and Mrs. Sykes and daughter, Lottie Anne. The vinegar is sour, and the catsup it does nip. But for Sophry and her Chester we feel only purest friendship." Such fine poetry ! Whoever composed it, dear Lottie Anne ? Miss Sykes (proudly smiting her breast). I did an' Ma helped me on the second line. Honor to whom honor is SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 33 due. I spent most of last week on it. When yuh git to makin' poetry, it's awful fascinating. Yuh can hardly stop. SoPHRONiA. I know it. Chester writes b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-1 poetry. I'd love to read you his latest sonnet, may I? {Looking around.) Mrs. Peabody. Anything you like, Sophronia. SoPHRONiA (self-consciously producing a pink slip from her hosom). Of course you may think it silly. It's about my eyebrow, my left eyebrow, to be exact. Mrs. Dodd. We know, Sophronia. Young men in love is awful foolish. Miss Snip, and Miss Sykes. We know, Sophronia. Miss Spriggs {coyly). We've all been there, tee hee, tee hee. (Tilly, removing zurapping papers, suddenly snorts at this and Miss Spriggs looks daggers at her.) Sophronia (reading). "To My Lady's Left Eyebrow." "Dear wisp of hair so near the eye, That for this heart holds every charm. E'en so Fd watch and guard the depths Of Sophry's eyes from every harm. To live above her orbs of blue. Were happiness enough for me, I live in glare of city streets Far away from where I long to be. With Sophry, queen of my heart and life, With cherry lips and fairest curls. With cheeks like the orchard's autumn red. And teeth like ocean's rarest pearls." (Copyrighted by Algernon Chester Van Courtland, B. A.) Miss Spriggs. Yuh hev good teeth, Sophronia. I hope they don't all go hke yer ma's. (With a glance at Selina who hurriedly slaps hand over her month.) Miss Pam. (to Miss Lob.). Guess she must mean "T. A." — tonsorial artist. Sophronia (continuing). Here's a gem on "Parting." 34 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING But there ! I never know when to stop. {Puts it back in her bosom. Stir without.) Who's this? Enter Mrs. Perkins. SoPHRONiA. Dear Aunty Perkins, as I've always called you since the days of plum tarts. {Shakes hands affection- ately. ) Mrs. Perk. Hello, Sophronia, my dear. {Kissing her.) Now don't bother yer high-handin' me ! We're both plain folks an' like plain dealin's. But I'm real fond of you, child, style or no style, an' I could hardly make up me mind to come tonight {snijfing) an' see the last of yuh. It's yer last night in yer girlhood's home with yer old friends. Joshua said I looked like it wuz yer wake I was goin' to in place o' yer nuptials. {Sighs.) Sophronia {gravely). Yes, dear Aunty Perkins. There is something sad about it. I'll miss you all just terribly. {Shakes head sadly.) Mrs. Perk {brightening up with an effort). But this is no way to talk to an intendin' bride on her weddin' eve, an' I'm sure I wish yuh all sorts of joy, Sophronia, my dear. I've sent yer present on up to town to be there a waitin' yuh. Sophronia. That's a dear thoughtful old Aunty. I hope you didn't go and do anything extravagant. {Re- proachfully.) Mrs. Perk. No, I didn't. I jest wrung the necks uv a dozen uv me spring chickens, an' packed 'em in a barrel with a dozen gem jars uv me prize perserves, an' I sez to Joshua, ''That's a present that will do fer city folk an' country folk alike, style or no style." Sophronia. How perfectly darling of you, and so like you, dear. {Commotion without, grumbling and grunting.) Enter Tilly giggling. Tilly. There's a gink with a big bundle at the door. Shall I bring him in? Tee hee. {Hand to mouth as usual.) Selina. Yes, Tilly, do. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 35 Enter man, struggling and grumbling, ''Look out'' ''Care- ful now,'' and deposits huge bundle and withdraws. Selina. Land sakes ! Whatever next ! SoPHRONiA {feebly and slowly). I've a premonition it's a feather bed. {As the bundle is unzvrappcd.) Yes, it is. I haven't seen one in years. How — how quaintly useful ! How sweet of somebody. {Glacing at accompanying card.) "Respects and compliments of Mr. and Mr. Nathaniel Thorndyke and Grandma Thorndyke." The dear old souls ! I'll bet their old gander, Ebenezer, that used to chase me to school every day, is in there. I'm glad I'll be able to sit on him properly at last. {Laughs pleasantly.) Mrs. Kil. I suppose you use those patent hair mattresses, Miss Piper. These, of course, are so unhygienic. The doctor always discourages their use. Enter Tommy Savinsoules, hatless and hurried as usual. Tommy. Ma, Carrie sez tO' come quick! The baby's all broke out in a rash. Mrs. Savin, {reaching for coat). Oh, dear, dear! I thought he had everything that goes with a rash. Good- bye, dear Sophronia, and God bless you. Good night, Mrs. Piper. Come, Tommy! {Exit Mrs. Savinsoules and Tommy.) Mrs. Kil. She needn't worry. Elmer's made a special study of rashes and I never knew any rash to beat his diag- nosis. Sophronia. Poor Mrs. Savinsoules. I don't know how she ever looks after things the way she does. She's half promised me to come to town for a visit at Easter. {Inter- rupted by a faint shriek from Mrs. Peabody.) What is it, Mrs. Peabody? Mrs. Peabody. Selina Ann Piper, will you have the goodness to tell me at onct zvho gev Sophronia this here hand painted sofer cushion? {Holding up gaudy offending article.) Selina. Why — why — Miss Polly Pennywhistle up Georgetown way, I think. Why? 36 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Mrs. Peabody (grimly). I thought as much. Now I know who values friendship's gifts an' who don't. Mrs. Dodd, Whut's the matter, Peace? Mrs. Peabody. Pm not wantin' to make trouble, it's not my way, but I painted that cushion five years ago an' gev it to ]\Iandy Fisher on her silver wedding anniversary. And Polly Pennyvv'histle's JMandy's niece ! Selina. Gracious, Peace ! Don't you think you've made a mistake? Sophronia (soothingly). Doubtless the same pattern, dear Mrs. Peabody. Mrs. Peabody (irately). Mistake? I guess not. I bought that satin when Abe Skinner wuz sellin 'out fer fifty-nine cents a yard, double fold. An' I could paint them pansies with my eyes shut. Miss Sykes (to Miss Spriggs). Looks like she done it that way in the first place. (Exit Selina Ann quietly.) Miss Snip, (aside to Mrs. Kil.). I see the Joneses only sent a set of horn carvers. I wuz expectin' they'd do some- thing handsome seein' their daughter boarded ofT Selina Ann all last summer. Hev yuh come across anything from the Matt Sawyers? My, but they're stingy. Miss Lob. (to Miss Pam). This here silver is nearly all plate. I saw them pickle jars at Scroggins's hardware marked down to $L49. \Miat did Mrs. Savinsoules give? (Miss Pamelia points out a small tasteful picture.) Dear me, jest that? It's nothing like as fine as the one we got with the soap wrappers. Mrs. Snod. (in a whisper behind hand to Miss Snip.). Where's Mrs. Killemquick's present? (As Miss Snippem holds lip small enamel jezvel box.) What? Such a triflin' gew gaw ! Yes, indeed, Sophronia (aloud, turning to So- ppironia), perfectly exquisite! As I wuz jest remarking to Miss Snippem, here. (During these last conversations Selina Ann has been out of the room looking after re- freshments and Sophronia absorbed in conversation zvith Mrs. Perkins or Mrs. Killemouick in one corner.) Sophronia. Don't you just adore satsuma. Don't you SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Z7 think it almost finer than Cloisonne? {Handling the little jewel box.) Mrs. Dodd. {willing to try it anyway). Well — er — now as you ask it, seems to me I do like it best, but it must be well cooked through an' plenty of spices. (Sophronia and Mrs. Killem quick exchange smiles.) Sophronia {producing pencil and pad). Oh, while I think of it, friends, will you give me an idea of your cos- tumes for tomorrow? Miss Lob., Miss Snip., Miss Spriggs. Our costumes? Sophronia. Yes. (Preparing to make notes.) What do you intend to wear at the wedding? Mrs. Peabody. Well, I'll be wearing my black alpacy, of course, same's I alwus wear to weddin's an' funerals. Sophronia {writing on pad on knee). Any trimmings? Mrs. Peabody. Of course, there's jet on the polonnaise an' I've a bran' new lace tippet. Sophronia. How perfectly grand ! And you, Mrs. Snodgrass ? Mrs. Snod. I can't see whatever yuh want ter mark it down fer but I suppose it's to remember us by. Well, I'll be wearing my plum-colored silk that I wore to your chris- tening, Sophronia ; and it's plenty good it will be fer my funeral. Sophronia {writing). Please don't speak of funerals again. And you, dear Mrs. Doddridge? Mrs. Dodd. Well, I may say, sence you ask it, that I've got something bran' new. It wasn't no bargain goods neither like some's I could name. I had Miss Flossy Snippem, here, make me a brown silk in the latest fashion, except the skirt. I couldn't countenance that! Sophronia. Lovely ! How about you, dear Mrs. Per- kins ? Mrs. Perk, {dolefully). I'm hopin' it'll rain so's I kin wear Aunt Jane Turnbull's bead *'dolman" she left me in her will. It's not new but it's new to me. Sophronia {writing). Well, wear it anyway, but don't 38 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING wish rain on me, dear Aunty Perkins. (To Miss Spriggs.) You'll be in white as usual, Mossy? Miss Spriggs (nodding). All in virgin white, peau-de soie. Limerick lace, touches of burnt orange and white sun- shade. Mrs. Dodd (going over to Sophronia, in loud zvhisper). I'd like yuh to make mention uv my white feather boa, Sophronia. It's the only one in the village. Sopiironia (nods, smiling and writes). And you, Miss Snippem ? Miss Snip. Oh, I'll wear the black silk I always wear on state occasions. I got the back panel torn at Uncle Ezra's funeral but it mended up nicely. Sophronia (shivering). Ugh! Another funeral! You almost make me feel spooky. You'll wear your dove cash- meres, I suppose, Miss Pamelia and ]Miss Lobelia? (Both nod.) Miss Pam. Yes, and we've had a width taken out of the skirts, the hem raised three inches and touches of peach- bloom velvet on the bodices. And, oh (leaning forward eagerly), shall I tell her, sister? Miss Lob. As you like, dear Pamelia. I know Sophro- nia'll approve even if some here don't. Miss Pam, (timidly hut ecstatically). We've got grey kid boots to match — high ones — and — similar hosiery. Sophronia. Good for you, dears ! The lilies of the field will have nothing on you two. Miss Lob. (nervously plucking Sophronia^s arm). Only — only, Sophronia, please don't mention the — ^the hosiery in print. Mrs. Snod. Sophronia, I forgot to say that Seraphina will wear her drab as usual. Sophronia (sighing as she writes). Poor Seraphina! How I'd love to see her in a soft rose voile or pink muslin, and with a kink in her hair. Mrs. Snod. Seraphina has both modesty and common sense, I'm glad to say. Sophronia (rising briskly). Oh, I'm sure you'll all look SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 39 grand* and put it over the city friends in great shape. Now for some music before we go out to the dining room for re- freshments. How I'll miss your singing, Lottie Anne, and Miss Pamelia's playing. There's only one thing I'm not up-to-date on and that's music. I love the old songs best. Miss Spriggs, Mrs. Dodd, Mrs. Peabody. Same here, Sophronia. Me too. Mrs. Perk. Joshua says he hopes they'll sing ^'Silver Threads Among the Gold" at his funeral and Pve half promised him. Mrs. Dodd. When Abner's pa was on his deathbed he'd hev me sing "Loch Lomond" an' *T'm Wearin' Awa', Jean," by the hour, an' onct I was that mortified before the min- ister, the last incumberance, not Mr. Savinsoules, he stopped me in the middle uv ''Abide with Me" and asks fer "Old Black Joe." Sophronia (half laughing). Now, no more funerals, pos-i-tive-ly. I want "The Old Oaken Bucket." I thought that was the loveliest thing when the quartet sang it at last Thanksgiving supper. You play, Pamelia. (Four ladies sing with feeling and pathos, the rest keeping up a gentle hum in the chorus.) Mrs. Perk, (reminiscently wiping eyes). Them were the days, Selina Ann. "The days of our youth are the days of our glory," as the poet says. Now sing my favorite, Lottie Anne. You know it. (Pamelia runs hands over the keys in several old time favorites, ''Swanee River," ^'Tara's Harp,'' etc., gliding into ''When You and I Were Young, Maggie.") Mrs. Perk. That's it. Next to the Psalms that's my favorite piece of music. (Lottie Anne sings with great pathos. Violin obligato behind the scenes if possible. At the close several are blowing their noses and sniffing.) Miss Spriggs (sighing). I suppose we'll all soon be get- ting old. Sophronia (wiping eyes and rising). But we're getting gloomy again. I'll call Jabez to liven us up a bit. I love his jigs and reels. (Cafls^) Ja-bez! 40 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING {Some stirring Scotch airs, reels, etc., imnding up with ''My Old Kentucky Home'' softly and plaintively are played behind the scenes. Noise zvithont.) SoPHRONiA. There ! I hear wheels. That must be Gene- vieve Van Houten, a classmate and my bridesmaid, ladies. {Bustle and a loud voice talking to Tilly without.) Genevieve Van Houten {off stage). Gee whiz! Such a hole to live in. Whew, glad I'm heah. SoPHRONiA. There's her knock. {Ladies rise as though to go.) No, no, sit down. I want you all to meet her. She's a dear. Enter Genevieve Van Houten with considerable stir and followed by Tilly. Tilly {giggling). Miss Van Houting. (Genevieve (/r^^f.? Selina, kisses Sophronia, undoes her veil and talks almost simultaneously.) Gen. Oh, hello, Sophronia, old deah. I thought I'd nevah get heah ! You didn't tell me you lived off the map. The train simply crawled ! Oh, I see you've some friends in. I thought you'd be getting your beauty sleep. Sophronia {introducing ladies, who bow stiffly). These are my old friends and Mamma's. Miss Van Houten, ladies, and they've brought me such darling gifts, far more than I deserve. Gen. {looking round). Gracious! What are you doing? Running a museum for antiques ? Heavens ! What in the name of goodness are all these things? Sophronia. Gifts, my dear. Aren't they unique and charming? Gen. {shivering) . Ugh! They give me the shivers. {Spy- ing the feather bed.) For the love of Pete! What's this bundle? A load of hay for your flivver? {Ladies look on coldly and disapprovingly.) Sophronia {hastily). Sh-sh-sh-sh, Genevieve ! Look at these darling salts and peppers. Gen. {loudly). Gee! It looks to me as though you were going to live on pickles, you and Chester. Say, did Noah SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 41 loan them that from the Ark? (Pointing to the antima- cassar. ) Miss Snip, (zvith a withering look, sarcastically). Not having hved in them days, we ain't famiHar with what wus in the Ark. Perhaps you know, Miss Van Hooting. Gen. (laughing while Sophronia draws her azvay). You score, Mrs. or Miss — I forgot who. Sophronia. You must be tired, Genevieve, after the trip. Your room is all ready and Mamma will take up a cup of tea to you while the friends and I repair to the dining room. Gen. All right, see you later. Good night, ladies ! (Exeunt Genevieve and Selina Ann.) Mrs. Snod. Now I see we've something to be thankful for. Sophronia might have been a whole lot worse. Sophronia (coming back from door). Oh, you'll like Genevieve when you know her better. She's a dear. Mrs. Peabody (sharply). Some folks do take a lot of knowing. (Rising.) Sophronia. Come along, then, all, for some elderberry wine and spice cake. I think I have a new cake for you — devil's food cake. (Sophronia stands by door marshalling all out to the dining room.) I'm so glad you all came. I just wish you could drop in on Chester and me like this in our new home. Mrs. Perk, (the last to go out, with arm about Sophro- nia). Don't be rash, Sophronia. Remember there's a lot of us. (Exeunt.) Curtain. 42 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Act III. Scene: Same as Act I, the Village Hall, two days after the wedding. Enter Mrs. Doddridge_, looks rather depressed, moves restlessly about the rooin looking at banners, mottoes, etc., on the zvall, sighing deeply at intervals. Finally sits down and takes out knitting. Frequent sighs. Mrs. Dodd. I'm a bit early, I see. I wouldn't a come at all only to get out o' the house, it's that gloomy since — since the weddin's over. {Sighs and knits.) Oh, dear! An' I went and forgot to get Sophronia to tell me how to turn the heel the new way. A useful girl, Sophronia, an' smart, alwus on to new ways uv doin' things. I wonder if she's settin' the machinery goin' in the new house today. (Drops work listlessly in lap, looking straight ahead of her into space. Long sigh.) Enter Miss Snippem, also disconsolately, throws hat on chair, sighs and greets IvIrs. Doddridge half-heartedly. Miss Snip. How de do, Miss-s-s Doddridge. Nasty day — too hot — I mean too windy — at least there's a hint o' rain in the air. (Goes to table and drums zvith fingers, then looks drearily out of window.) My, but wasn't the weddin' grand. I felt all in yestiddy. I suppose Sophronia'll be wearin' the pink organdy I made her today it's so hot — or mebbe the sand-colored poiret twill. She'll look sweet in either o' them. (Sighs.) Mrs. Dodd. (heavy sigh, knitting 'without looking up). Yes, it is a kin' o' dreary day — fer all it's that sunshiny. Miss Snip, (looking out of the zmndow). The Pipers' house don't look natural sence Sophronia went. I wonder how Salina Ann stands it. It kind uv gives me a chill. Enter Mrs. Snodgrass, Miss Spriggs, Mrs. Killem- QuiCK, Mrs. Savinsoules. Mrs. Snod. (rather subdued for her) . You got here ahead uv us I see. Kind of a dreary day outside. Not exactly rainin' but I'd as lief hev rain as too much sunshine. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 43 Miss Spriggs. Yes, it's a storm-brewer, you may bet. How's Seraphina's a — er — limb? Mrs. Snod. Nicely, thanks. I'm using Sophronia's lini- ment that she sent for Tommy Savinsoules an' it helps a lot. An' whut do you think ! She sent over half the weddin' flowers an' a big hunk o' weddin' cake. Seraphina was that tickled, even if Sophronia is a bit peculiar on some things. Miss Spriggs. She's different from the rest of us — that's all. (Sighs.) Enter the Misses Witherspoon. Miss Lob. How d'ye do, everybody. Wasn't the wed- ding jest grand ! All {brightening). I should say so! Mrs. Dodd. It certainly wuz grand, that supper er breakfast er whatever ye call it. An' I don't care what you think, Maria Snodgrass, I et that devil's food cake an' it was the best thing I ever tasted. Beats angel cake all holler. Mrs. Snod. From the name of it I was afraid — afraid there might be intoxicants in its composition — brandy, for instance. Miss Snip. Weren't the gowns dreams? That Mrs. De- Swagger from High Park, did ye notice her creation in Belgian blue poplin? Paris, I'm certain. Miss Lob. (laughing) . There wasn't much to notice, if you ask me, leastways not in the skirt. The floral scheme was magnificent — it takes them paid flowerists to do the trick. Miss Pam. An' the orchestra ! I never heard sech strains. Did — did you notice how handsome the best man was? Sophronia gave me a special introduction to him. (Coyly.) Mrs. Dodd. I must say fer Sophronia an' Selina Ann Piper, they didn't slight their old friends. We hed the best of everything and they wasn't a bit ashamed of us. Enter Mrs. Perkins^ stibdued, spiritless and red-eyed. Mrs. Perk. How do, Maria, an' everybody. I wusn't comin' a step but I jest had to get out o' the house it's that 44 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING lonely. I aint missed anyone so much sence my Teeny got married an' went West. {Heavy sigh, sits.) Mrs. Snod. Well, the sooner we get to business the sooner it's over. You know what the meetin's called for today, to decide about puttin' Sophronia Piper an' her ma off the roll oi membership of the T. U. S. An' I must say the evidence was very damaging last day. (Ladies knit quietly zvithoiit looking up, occasional heavy sighs.) Mrs. Dodd (faintly). It were that. (Sigh.) Mrs. Snod. We must not shirk duty. It is not a pleas- ant duty, to be sure. (Sighs.) I myself see many good points in the girl's character. (Long pause, ladies knit furi- ously without looking up. With spirit.) Has nobody any- thing to say? Lucindy Perkins, whut are yuh settin' there for lookin' like a graven image? , Mrs. Perk, (looking up suddenly with a long sigh). I haven't heard a solitary word you sed, Maria Snodgrass. I wuz jest wishin' it wuz P'air time. (Chokes, breaks dozvn, wipes eyes. Ladies look sympathetic and blow noses, etc.) Mrs. Savinsoules. I wonder who'll support that Bible woman in India, now Sophronia's gone. And who'll take broth to old Granny Deever every Saturday? Miss Spriggs. And who'll set out Mother's bulbs next spring when I'm away teaching? Miss Lob. And who'll take the Primary Class like So- phronia? Miss Pam. Who ever'll help me to get up the Christmas tree. Sophronia was a gem at decorating and gave most of the things herself. Mrs. Kil. The doctor will miss her. He said she's the best tonic his convalescents had and he often prescribed an hour of Sophronia when other things failed. Mrs. Snod. Yes, Sophronia has been a useful girl. Seems — almost — as if we might — er — reconsider. I'm open- minded and always willin' to change if I find I'm in the wrong. Has anyone anything — SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 45 Enter Miss Lottie Anne Sykes Tmth an open newspaper in hand, greatly excited. Miss Sykes. Oh, ladies hev you seen The Beacon f (All crozi'd round except Mrs. Savinsoules and Mrs. Perkins.) Listen! (Reads.) "An event of unusual interest took place at Spring Brae, the home of Mrs. J. Anderson Piper, when her daughter, Sophronia, was given in marriage to Dr. Chester A. Van Courtland, the rising young surgeon of Toronto." Mrs. Dodd., Miss Snip, (amazed). Dr. Van Courtland? Mrs. Kil. I thought he was a tonsorial artist, a barber. Miss Sykes. Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's that loony Tilly Tucker's mistake. She heard .Sophronia talking about a wonderful operation Chester performed where he drew out the lady's tonsils. So she puts two and two together and figgers it out he's one of them tonsorial artists she'd read about in novels. She added the three stands with four chairs apiece on her own account. Miss Spriggs. Of all the feather brains ! I kind o' thought he was more'n a barber. Well now ! Mrs. Perk. Mrs. Dr. Van Courtland. I'm right glad fer Sophronia. Miss Sykes (continuing to read). "The presents were numerous and handsome. Old friends vying with each other in honoring the fair bride." Mrs. Perk. I'll bet the editor put that last bit in. So- phronia never would. Miss Sykes. But listen! (Reads.) The costumes were exceedingly handsome. (Aside.) Then it gives us first in detail. (Reads.) Mrs. Uriah Snodgrass, lovely gown of black moire, bodice a la pompadour, touches of rose point. With this costume was worn quaint gold ornaments, a fam- ily heirloom." Mrs. Snod. (amazed and gratified). Did you ever! I wore my old carnelian brooch an' ear drops. Miss Sykes (continuing). "Mrs. Peace Peabody, charm- ing costume of black peau-de-soie, the bodice elaborately trimmed with cut jet, bouquet of purple pansies." 46 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Miss Snip. Peace'U be all puffed up over that. Wonder what's keepin' her. Anything about mine, Lottie Anne? {Looking over Lottie's shoulder.) Miss Sykes (reading). *'Mrs. Abner Doddridge looked distinguished in a rich gown of tobacco brown taffeta, with touches of rose. Round her neck was a magnificent white ostrich boa." Mrs. Dodd (extremely gratified). Well now! That is a nice dress if I do say it. I wish -she hadn't put in the word ''tobacco," though, fer I belong to the Anti-Smokers' League an' am tryin' to break Abner off of his pipe. I must send that paper to Abner's folks. How much does ten copies cost, Lottie Anne? Miss Sykes (reading). "Mrs. Joshua Perkins was gowned in soft clinging material in purple shades, sur- mounted by a rich cloak heavily embroidered in jet." ]\Irs. Perk, (luhose month has been opening ever wider as she hears her gozvn glorified). Land sakes ! I only wore Aunt Jane's old dolman over my plum to hide where the coffee wuz spilt. Miss Sykes (reading). **Miss Spriggs, graceful as ever in white. Corsage bouquet of Richmond roses. The Misses Witherspoon were symphonies in gray from the crown of their heads to the tips of their toes, their gowns being of softest dove color 'cashmere de soie,' the skirts caught up in folds of contrasting color. They carried sunshades to match." (Extreme gratification on the part of the Misses Witherspoon.) Miss Pam (with a sigh of relief). I'm — I'm so glad she didn't mention the gray boots and — the — the — Miss Lob. (with finger to lips). Sh-sh-sh-sh, sister! That was a graceful way of drawing attention to them, though, "From the crowns of their heads to the tips of their toes." Miss Sykes (reading). "Miss Flossy Snippem, a charm- ing figure in battleship gray, her hair done — " Enter Mrs. Peabody, her arms full of Hat square parcels, which prove to be photographs. SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 47 Mrs. Peabody. Excuse me, ladies. From force of habit I waited for the three o'clock mail an' look whut was on it — one for each of us. (Giving out parcels amid exclama- tions of wonder and joy. All open theirs and Mrs. Kill- EMQUiCK proudly exhibits hers to the audience.) Mrs. Kil. Now isn't that a beautiful thought? Our pic- tures on the lawn the day of the wedding. Elmer looks so distinguished, if I may say it. Mrs. Perk, (smiling). Takin' by that disreputable movin' picture man, Jack Smellie, too ! Mrs. Snod. (examining closely). Yes, here we are, an' I declare, we all look pretty well, though you. Mossy Spriggs, never photographed good yer that thin ; an' you, Lucindy Perkins, yer dolman's lifelike, but what a size you are ! Lobelia, yuh look pinched an' peaked an' Pamelia looks as if she hed jest heard uv her own demise. Oh, well, we'll do. We all can't look purty, I suppose. It's certainly nice to hev sech a souvenir of the event. Miss Snip. Yes, here we are immortalized on cardboard. Sophronia's very considerate, Fll admit. (Sighs from sev- eral as they remember the business of the meeting.) Mrs. Snod. (half-heartedly) . Ladies, if you'll be seated, we'll resume the business of the meetin'. Let's get it over quick. Shall we or shall we not — Mrs. Perk, (suddenly rising, dropping knitting to floor.) Maria Snodgrass, friends, I'm goin' to make a speech. (Clears her throat.) I've been settin' here thinkin' that with all our upliftin' of Tattletown Community, an' barns, an' fences, an' roads, an' pastures we'd best begin at home an' uplift ourselves. It's come to me that we don't set our faces agin gossip as we should. We don't look fer the best in folks. I found out sence last meetin' that Stephen Stone didn't burn his barn, an' that the old lady Sawyer wusn't put out on the road, an' that Job Aikins wusn't brought home drunk from the saloon, it wuz the drug store an' he had fell in a faint, an' Carrie Savinsoules doesn't flirt with the organ- ist fer she's goin' to marry a young man uv much the same name, a minister up at Southampton, an' Sophronia's "paw- 48 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING namaw" hat didn't cost but $5.98 at a fire sale. Themes jest samples uv how folks gets things wrong if they're lookin' fer the worst instead uv the best. Mrs. Snod. (nodding agreement). Yes, I find sometimes we get things mixed, and as our dear minister sez only last Sabbath. (Aside to Mrs. Savinsoules.) We must get him a new horse, Mrs. Savinsoules, an' hev the parsonage done over fer you, too. Sez he, '*We ought to tell a good story about a person as readily as a bad one, even if it's not so spicy." (Ladies nod.) ]\Irs. Dodd. Yes, "Look fer the best in folks an' the best'U come back to you," as the poet says. Miss Snip. Wherefore, I move that instead of putting Sophronia Piper and her ma out of this society, as was our intention on coming here, we instruct the secretary to write Sophronia a letter of regret at her departure, of ap- preciation of her work as a friend and helper in the good work of this community. (Hand clapping.) And further- more, I move that we make Miss Sophronia Piper the first Honorary Member of the Tattletown Uplift Society. Mrs. Snod. (as three or four spring to their feet to sec- ond it). Let us make it a standing vote, ladies. (All stand.) Mrs. Perk. And, ladies, I propose a new motto for our society. Here it is, ready to frame. Whenever we are tempted to tell an unkind story, let's all look up at it. (Un- rolls large poster on which is uritten, ''Let Something Good he Said'') Curtain. DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Larso Catalogue Free M. F. Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 6 18 Trip to Storyland, 1%. hrs.(25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2% hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c]l7 10 When Smith Stepped Out, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c>- '4 4 Winning Widow, 2 acts, V/2 hrs. (25c) 2 4 Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 FARCES, COMEDIETAS. Etc. Price 15 Cents Each All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 April Fools, 30 rain 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 min '. 1 2 Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20 miri. ...... 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 Divided Attentions, 35 min. ..14 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-Class Hotel, .20 min.... 4 For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min....... 4 3 Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min . 6 3 Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 Shadows, 35 min 2 2 Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 min 3 6 Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 M. F. Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of Spades, 40 min 3 6 Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 Who's the Boss ? 25 min 3 6 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each Amateur, 15 min 1 1 At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 For Reform, 20 min 4 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min ..21 Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 Home Run, 15 min 1 1 Hungry, 15 min 2 Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 Love and Lather, 35 min...., 3 2 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min.... 1 1 Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 Si and I, 15 min 1 Special Sale, 15 min 2 Street Faker, 15 min 3 Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 Time Table, 20 min 1 1 Tramp and the Actress. 20 min. 1 1 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 A great number of Standard and Amateur Plays not found here are listed in Denison's Catalogue POPULAR ENTERTAIN Price, Illustrated Paper Coven LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS OffCHYOQMIC MALOCUE^ IN this Series are found books touching every feature in the enter- tainment field. Finely made, good paper, clear print and each book has an attractive individual cov- er design. A Partial List DIALOGUES All Sorts of Dialogues. Selected, fine for older pupils. Catchy Comic Dialogues. Very clever; for young people. Children's Comic Dialogues. From six to eleven years of age. Country School Dialogues. Brand new, original. Dialogues for District Schools. For country schools. Dialogues from Dickens. Thirteen selections. Friday Afternoon Dialogues. Over 60,000 copies sold. From Tots to Teens. Dialogues and recitations. Humorous Homespun Dialogues. For older ones. Little People's Plays. From 7 to 13 years of age. Lively Dialogues. For all ages; mostly humorous. Merry Little Dialogues. Thirty-eight original selections. When the Lessons are Over, Dialogues, drills, plays. Wide Awake Dialogues. Original successful. SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES Choice Pieces for Little People. A child's speaker. The Comic Entertainer. Recitations, monologues, dialogues. Dialect Readings. Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. The Favorite Speaker. Choice prose and poetry. The Friday Afternoon Speaker. For pupils of all ages. Humorous Monologues. Particularly for ladies. Monologues for Young Folks. Clever, humorous, original. Mono! Illlll scri'p'.^^J .0A7.._40i Mi Choice collections, pathetic, hu- morous, descriptive, prose, poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 85c DRILLS The Best Drill Book. Very popular drills and marches. The Favorite Book of Drills. Drills that sparkle v^rith originality. Little Plays With Drills. For children from 6 to 11 years. The Surprise Drill Book. Fresh, novel, drills and marches. SPECIALTIES The Boys' Entertainer. Monologues, dialogues, drills. Children's Party Book. Invitations, decorations, games. The Christmas Entertainer. Novel and diversified. The Days We Celebrate. Entertainments for all the holidays. Good Things for Christmas. Recitations, dialogues, drills. Good Things for Sunday Schools. Dialogues, exercises, recitations. Good Things for Thanksgiving. A gem of a book. Good Things for Washington and Lincoln Birthdays. Little Folks' Budget. Easy pieces to speak, songs. One Hundred Entertainments. New parlor diversions, socials. Patriotic Celebrations. Great variety of material. Pictured Readings and Tableaux. Entirely original features. Pranks and Pastimes. Parlor games for children. Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, Charades, and how to prepare. Tableaux and Scenic Readings. New and novel; for all ages. Twinkling Fingers and Sway- ing Figures. For little tots. Yuletlde Entertainments. A choice Christmas collection. MINSTRELS, JOKES The Black-Face Joker. Minstrels* and end men's gags. A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. Monologues, stump speeches, etc. Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. A merry trip for fun tourists. Negro Minstrels. All about the business. The New Jolly Jester. Funny stories, jokes, ga gs, etc. Laree Illustrated Catalosue Free T.S.DENISON&COIVIPANY,PublishersJ54W. Randolph St., Chicago \ LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Ml I Nl I I II illl ill I I 017 401 641 "^