PRICE IS CENTS / NO PLAYS EXCHANGED HALRHQUR >RAMAS<> PS 635 .Z9 N557 Copy 1 IP" 1 East of Lynn, Mass. TSDENISON & COMPANY PUBLISHERS CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. A Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid. Unless Different Price is Given. DRAMAS. COMEDIES, ENTER- TAINMENTS. Etc. M. F. After the Game, 2 acts, 1 54 hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 All That Glitters Is Not Gold, 2 acts, 2 hrs 6 3 Altar of Riches, 4 acts, 2y 2 hrs. (25c) 5 5 American Hustler, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 hrs (25c) 7 4 Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. . . 4 5 Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 Bonnybell, 1 hr (25c).Optnl. Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2 J4 hrs. (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 h.(25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Caste, 3 acts, 2^2 hrs 5 3 Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. (25c) 17 14 Cricket on the Hearth, 3 acts, Wa, hrs 7 8 Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs... 7 4 Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs.. (25c) 6 4 Down i»- Dixie, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 54 hrs.... 8 7 Fditor-in-Chief. 1 hr (25c)10 Elma, 1U hrs (25c) Optnl. Enchanted Wood, 1)4 h. (35c) Optnl. Eulalia, l J / 2 hrs (25c) Optnl. Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 From Sumter to Appomattox, 4 acts, 2Vz hrs (25c) 6 2 Fun on the Podunk Limited, \y 2 hrs (25c) 9 14 HandyAndy(Irish),2acts,l^ h. 8 2 Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 8 4 High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 h (25c) 12 Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 hrs (25c) 13 4 Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 It's All in the Pay Streak, 3 acts, \y A hrs (25c) 4 3 Jayville Junction, \y 2 hrs.(25c)14 17 Jedediah Judkins, J. P., 4 acts, 2V 2 hrs (25c) 7 5 J Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 12 Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2 l / A hrs. (25c) 7 4 Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(25c)13 Lonelyville Social Club, 3 acts, \y 2 hrs (25c) 10 M. F. Louva, the Pauper, 5 acts, 2 h. . 9 4 Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 5 2 Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 hrs (25c) 9 5 Mirandy's Minstrels. ... (25c) Optnl. New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr 3 6 Not Such a Fool as He Looks, 3 acts, 2 hrs 5 3 Odds with the Enemy, 4 acts, 1H hrs 7 4 Old Maid's Club, l l / 2 hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 1J4 hrs (25c) 12 9 Only Daughter, 3 acts, 1J4 hrs. 5 2 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 2V 2 hrs (25c) 10 4 Our Boys, 3 acts, 2 hrs 6 4 Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 Pet of Parson's Ranch, 5 acts, 2 h. 9 2 School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1)4 hrs.. 6 5 Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 J4 hrs. 7 3 Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2'/ 2 h. 8 3 Solon Shingle, 2 acts, 1^ hrs.. 7 2 Sweethearts, 2 acts, 35 min 2 2 Ten Nights in a Barroom, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Ticket-of-Leave Man, 4 acts, 2}£ hrs 8 3 Tonv, The Convict, 5 acts, 2y 2 "hrs (25c) 7 4 Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h. . (25c) 6 4 Trip to Storyland, 1 J4 hrs. (25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 7 3 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 FARCES. COMEDIETTAS. Etc. April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 35 min 11 Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Box and Cox. 35 min 2 1 Cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 2 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Convention of Papas, ^25 min... 7 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago EAST OF LYNN, MASS A GABFEST BURLESQUE ON "EAST LYNNE" IN ONE ACT AND SOME IMAGINARY SCENES BY HARRY L. NEWTON AUTHOR OF 'Breakfast Food for Two" "A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy" "The Coming Ghampion" "The Coontown Thirteen Club" "The Comer Drug Store" "The Counterfeit Bills" "A Dutch Cocktail" "Five Minutes from Yell College" " The Heiress of Hoetown" " The Little Red School House" " Laughland, Via the Ha Ha Route" "Marriage and After " "Oshkosh Next Week" "The Pooh Bah of Peacetown" "The Rest Cure" "Si and I" "A Sunny Son of Italy " " The Troubles of Rozinski" " Two Jay Detectives" "Uncle Bill at the Vaude- ville" and "When the Circus Came to Town," CHICAGO S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers EAST OF LYNN, MASS. CHARACTERS. Sir Francis Levi's Sox The Villain Archibad Carr Ride The Two-Time Husband Lord Count Seven Once was Enough for Him Justice B. Ware. . . .Has a Wife but You Don't See Her Richard B. Ware The Kind Who Make Burlesques Possible Mr. Dillpickle. . . .No Play Complete Without His Kind Little Willie We Feel Sorry for Him Barbara B. Ware Here's Someone Else Miss Carr Ride Wait Till You See Her Joy Ice Remember the Show Is Not Half Over Lady Ringabell. .A Lady but Had no Chance to Prove It Madame Tomato Vine. . .More to be Censured than Pitied Scene — It has Us Guessing. Time — You Guess. Place — Guess Again. Time of Playing — Supposed to Take a Half Hour, but Some May Not Get That Far. COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY EBEX H. NORRIS. 2 jJCLD 34812 i . EAST OF LYNN, MASS. SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. "How can we play a burlesque unless someone is mar- ried?" "East Lynne is up to date. They come in an auto." "Say, where do you think you are? This plot is laid in England." "She acts very strangely. In fact, I think she is the worst actress I ever saw." "I am Richard B. Ware, a fugitive from justice." "The police may discover me in spite of themselves." "Ah, the garden gate is open." "How high the sky is tonight." "Nobody around. There- fore I must be alone." "Do you really think I killed the man?" "Some say he was a dead one before you met that night." "Hush, make all the noise possible. Someone is approaching." "Let's go into the garden where there's more room to think." "Sometimes — sometimes I sing." "Woman, have a care! A couple of cares." "Say, ain't I the villain? Ain't I got to make you trouble ?" "Yes, I have brought you here to get you in bad with your wife." "It's a splendid idea but rather overworked." "Can't be done. Not in the winter time." "You must go before it begins to snow." "Too late." "Seven years have elapsed within a very short space of time." "I wonder where my husband is ?" "You're not the first wife to wonder." "Hello, husband." "Hello, wife." "Ah, my little son. Madame Tomato Vine is a fine nurse, is she not?" "Yes — she is not." "Oh, what shall I do? I am putting the finish of this play on the bum." "Well, what's the trouble?" "I can't think of anything more to say?" "Then if Willie's dead, let the curtain drop." CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. Sir Francis Levi's Son — A Young Hebrew. Wears black clothing, long black mustache and smokes cigarettes constantly, "a la villain in the play." Archibad Carr Ride — Middle aged. Wears "flashy" apparel, sporting "loud" ties and socks. Lord Count Seven — Young. Dresses in foppish man- ner ; speaks with "cokney" accent. 4 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Justice B. Ware — A typical farmer of about fifty years. He has long gray chin whiskers and sunburnt face. Wears overalls thrust in top boots and large straw hat. Richard B. Ware — A youthful dude. Wears light check suit, straw hat and carries a walking stick. Mr. Dillpickle — An old German with marked accent of speech. He has small goatee and is dressed in a misfit suit. Little Willie — A "silly kid" type. Character to be played by a very large (fleshy) man. Wears knee trousers, blouse, with, large turn down collar and large bow tie ; has red-haired wig, close cropped and small straw hat, with elastic band under chin. Lady Ringabell — A dashing blonde. She chews gum constantly and vigorously and is very conspicuous in gowns and hair dress. She later appears as Madame Tomato Vine. For a disguise she discards her chewing gum, which proves very effective. Barbara B. W t are — Young and pretty girl wearing sim- ple gowns. Miss Carr Ride — A typical "old maid," about forty years old. Joy Ice — An Irish "Biddy." Wears wig of bright red, calico dress and large apron. LIST OF PROPERTIES. White paper, cut small for snow. Small express wagon for Willie. Small palm. Letter for Archibad. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of the stage; C center; R. C, right center ; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. 3 E., right entrance, upstage, etc. ; D. F., door of flat or back of stage ; upstage, away from footlights, downstage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Scene: Living room in Carr Ride's House, in 4, with C. D. fancy and practical doors R. 2 E. and L. 2 E. Fur- niture to suit taste. A small palm in tub is on table L. of C. At rise enter C. D. } Miss Carr Ride and Dillpickle. Dillpickle. Veil, Miss Carr Ride, you know ven your brother left home, I had a couple of notions dat he vent to get himself married. Miss Carr Ride. You did, eh? And how could you tell that he was going to get married? Dillpickle. Because he look so worried. Miss C. R. Well, he never told me. But I always thought he loved that girl, for when he first took possession of East Lynne, she left some gold fish in his care and when he ate them one day, the poor fish died. Dillpickle. Veil, dot's too bad. But I got to go now. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. {Exit C. D.) Miss C. R. (calls sharply). Joy Ice! Joy Ice! Enter Joy Ice, R. 2 E. Joy Ice. Well, well. What is it ? What is it ? Miss C. R. Joy Ice, is everything as uncomfortable as possible in Mr. Carr Ride's apartment? Joy Ice. Sure, Mike! Miss C. R. Thanks. I hope you haven't forgotten to give the gold fish fresh water. Joy Ice. B'gorry, what's the use? They didn't drink all I gave 'em yesterday. Miss C. R. Well, then get along about your business, and don't keep the audience in suspense. They've come to be entertained and not to look at you. Joy Ice. Wait wan minute. Is it true about Mr. Carr Ride gittin' spliced to Lady Ringabell? 5 6 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Miss C. R. Certainly. How can we play a burlesque un- less someone is married? Joy Ice. You said something Sweet Evenin' Breeze. Hush ! Listen ! I hear thim comin' now. {Honk of an auto horn is heard off L.) Miss C. R. "East Lynne" is up to date. They come in an auto instead of a carriage now. Joy Ice. It fairly makes me shiver to hear the honk of an auto horn. Miss C. R. Why? Joy Ice. Because my husband eloped with a woman in an auto, and now (tragically) . and now, whenever I hear a horn I think she's bringin' him back to me. (Goes to C. and looks off R.) And here they come. Mr. Carr Ride and his bride. Miss C. R. Good! Now then, we can unravel the bur- lesque, the bride and groom are here. Enter C. } Archibad and Lady Ringabell. Archibad (to Lady R.). Welcome to your childhood's home. We owe two months rent here, and from now on, like all heroines in the play, you'll have nothing but trouble. Lady Ringabell (chewing her gum vigorously). Thanks! (Indicates Miss Carr Ride). And who's the Cubeist draw- ing there? Archibad. That? Oh, that's my sister. If you don't like her I'll have her exchanged for another. (The women glare at each other.) Joy Ice (to xArchibad). Introduce me to her nobs. Archibad. Certainly, Joy Ice. (to Lady Ringabell.) Ringabell, this is Joy Ice, my old servant. Any time you want anything, go get it yourself. And now I have some scandal to talk over with Joy Ice. I'm sure you'll never miss me any more than I'll miss you. I'll not be gone over a couple of years. Lady R. (to Archibad). Go as far as you like, Archie. I'll stay here and have trouble with the Cubeist thing. Archibad and Joy Ice exeunt C. EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 7 Miss C. R. (to Lady Ringabell). What would you like to take? Lady R. (chewing gum vigorously). I should like a large sirloin smothered with onions. I am very thirtsy you know. Miss C. R. Say, where do you think you are? This plot is laid in England. All they ever eat in England is tea. Lady R. (smiles happily). Oh, I just know you and I are going to hate each other. Miss C. R. Of course we will. And I hope you will be awfully discontented at East Lynne. Lady R. I can see that right now. Anybody that's ever seen the play knows that. (Looks about.) Ah, I remember that table when it was a little chair. And it was here that poor papa died. He drank himself to death, but they say he died in "good spirits." And then Archibad came. Archi- bad is a bear ! Miss C. R. Archibad has a kind and generous nature. Lady R. Yes. Why, he doesn't care any more for a dol- lar than he does for his right eye. And you — oh, what I know about you ! Oh, won't you love me a little ? Kiss me. Nothing makes me sick. Miss C. R. (pushes her away). I'll give you a shove in the face if you get merry with me. (Exit C.) Lady R. Why, she acts very strangely. In fact, I think she's the worst actress I ever saw. Enter Archibad, R. 2 E. Archibad. Well, how's things? Lady R. I'm quite at a loss to know how to act. Archibad. I can readily see that. Let's take a walk in the garden and give somebody else a chance to act. Maybe they can do better. Lady R. You're on, Archie. Anyhow it'll give 'em a chance to set the stage for the garden scene. (Exeunt arm in arm C.) (All lights out and dark stage for fifteen seconds, then lights up again. There has been no change of set and the 8 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. lights off and on are merely to lead the audience to be- lieve one has been made.) Enter Richard B. Ware, C. Richard {addressing audience). Ladies and gentlemen: I am requested by the stage manager to announce to you that you are now supposed to be viewing a landscape scene. By exercising a vivid imagination — which we trust you brought with you — you can hear the trees leave, the corns- talk and the mountain-speak. (Bows and takes a step to one side.) I am now Richard B. Ware, a fugitive from justice, and not, as you first might have thought, a piece of scenery. And even now the police may be on my track you never can tell — and they may discover me in spite of themselves and this heavy disguise. (Holds up walking stick.) Ah, the garden gate is open. (Takes a step for- ward and pantomimes the closing of a gate after him.) Enter Barbara, stands just inside L. 2 E. Barbara. How high the sky is tonight. Richard (looks at Barbara). Ah, there is nobody around. Therefore, I must be alone. Barbara. Did you call me, sir? Richard (aside). Aha! I am discovered. It is my sister on the stage, but somebody else's sister off. (To Barbara.) Don't you know me? Barbara (gases searchingly at him). No. Your face is strange, but your manners are familiar — very familiar. Richard (chuckles — aside). Aha! My disguise is com- plete. (Throws dozvn zvalking stick.) Now look. I have removed my disguise. (Assumes a dramatic pose.) Barbara (in a matter of fact voice). Well, I declare. It's Richard. If you are discovered, you will be seen. Oh, horrors ! Richard. I couldn't go on living as I was. Barbara. And where have you been living? Richard (mock tragically). In (local town.). Barbara. And you have dared come here? Richard. I'd dare anything to get away from that town. Barbara. Poor bov! EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 9 Richard. Tell me. Do you really th.ink I killed that man? Barbara. Really I don't know. (Yawns.) Some say he was a "dead" one before you met him that night. Richard. I am in-no-cent. Why, Barbara, I wouldn't even kill an umpire. What I want is a hundred pounds. Barbara (yawns). A hundred pounds of what? Richard. Money. What did you th.ink? Barbara. I don't know. There are so many hundred pounds of things in this world. Richard. True. I forgot. And papa? Is papa sore? Barbara. He is. He hasn't spoken your name since he spoke it last. Richard (mock tragically). Oh, this is more than I can bear. (Sings, It's a bear, it's a bear, it's a bear.) And where is it generally supposed that I am? Barbara (yawns). Some think you are dead. Richard. And what do you think? Barbara. I hardly know. Richard (fiercely). I deny that I am dead! Barbara. Well, you should know. Justice B. (outside, calling). Barbara! O, you Barbara! Barbara (to Richard). That's papa, and your cue to exit. I dare not remain here another six months, and 'you must not remain here a year. Richard (picks up walking stick). I am disguised. Good night. I shall see you again in the next act. (Exit ' } Enter Justice B. Ware, C. Justice B. Ware. Why, Barbara; why are you not driving an express wagon tonight? Barbara. Because, father, I am too strong and healthy for that kind of work. Justice B. That's true. I forgot. Let's go in the house. Barbara. Why in the house? Justice B. Because the author couldn't think of any- thing more for us to say. (Exeunt both L. 2 E.) (Lights out and dark stage for ten seconds, then lights full on again.) 10 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Enter Lady R. and Miss Carr Ride, C. Lady R. I'm sure I don't know what to order for din- ner. There's one thing I never eat for dinner, you know. Miss C. R. And what's that? Lady R. Breakfast. {Chews vigorously.) Miss C. R. Humph ! If I was as funny as you think you are, I'd go down to the river. Lady R. And if I was as funny as you look, I'd jump in. Miss C. R. {mock tragically). I shall never speak to you again — till the next time I speak to you. {Exit R. 2 E.) Enter Lord Count Seven, C. Lord Seven. My word, Ringabell, you are married, and to a bloomin' man ! Lady R. {mock tragically) . Yes, I am married, and to a — a man. Lord S. {staggers back). Great heavens! Married, and to a man ! And do you love him ? Lady R. I don't know. I haven't seen him for several moments. Lord S. My word! Lady R. Furthermore, I married him because he is a lawyer. Lord S. How extraordinary! And what, pray, has that to do with the case, his being a lawyer, y' know? Lady R. It will be so easy to ask his advice regarding a divorce. Likewise inexpensive. Lord S. Yaas, that seems fair enough. But I came to warn you against Sir Francis Levi's son. He's a decided villain, don't y'know. Lady R. So? What has he did? Lord S. He has did no deed as yet, but he will did it. Hush! Make all the noise possible. Someone is approach- ing. {Sound of heavy footfalls off R. of C.) I was mis- taken. I thought I heard a noise. Enter Arch ib ad, C. Arciiibad {to Lord Seven). Ah, old top. I hope I see you well. EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 11 Lord S. If you don't you'd better consult an oculist. (To Lady R.) Would you mind staying here a couple of months or so ? I have a few words to say to Mr. Carr Ride. Lady R. Certainly I shall stay. (Exit R. 2 E.) Lord S. Now, sir, tell me why you married Lady Ring- abell? Archibad. Times are hard. I was out of a job. I had to do somebody — something, I mean. Lord S. But some men marry and think it over. Archibad. Yes, and some men think it over and don't marry. Lord S. You are a noble man. I only wish I could be classed in the latter category. Archibad. Then you are not angry at me for marrying your ward? Lord S. Far from it. You'll get all that's coming to you without me rubbing it in, Archibad. Then you don't believe in marriage? Lord S. I did — once. Archibad. And what has changed your views ? Lord S. Marriage. Archibad. Ha, ha! Very well placed, my Lord. Lord S. Not bad, I'll admit. But, come. I've a new game to show you. Now we'll suppose that I am thinking of a number between one and seven. You are to guess, y'know. If you guess it correctly you win a five-pound note. If you don't, I win. Archibad. Good. I'll try it. (Thinks.) Ah, I have it. Three ! Lord S. (startled). Bah Jove! You nearly guessed it. My word. I had my mind on four and you said three. Archibad (chagrined). Just my luck, confound it! (Hands Lord bill.) Lord S. (taking it). You shall have satisfaction at any time. Archibad. Very well. Let's go in the garden where there's more room to think. Lord S. Very well. Let's. (Exeunt L. 2 E.) Enter Barbara R. 2 E. 12 EAST OF LYXX, MASS. Barbara (looks after Archibad). There goes the only man that I thought would get the sole and exclusive right to hook my gown in the back. (Sighs.) But he got away from me. Curses! Ah, he is coming back. And she is with him because they are together. I shall retire into the con- servatory. (Goes to L. of C. and stands beneath palm.) Enter Archibad and Lady Rixgabell L. 2 E. Archibad (as they enter). Lord Seven is a lucky chap. I never guessed one number he was thinking of. Lady R. Never mind that. I have — have a secret to confess, dear. (Glances nervously about. Barbara is in- terested.) I — I — I have kept it as long as I can. I must tell you. Archibad. Well then, speak. It can't be so terrible. Lady R. (tragically and wringing hands). Oh, it is! It is ! I had my voice trained before I met you, and now — ■ now — Archibad. Yes, yes — and now? Lady R. Sometimes — sometimes, I sing. Archibad (grabs her wrist). Woman, have a care! Have a couple of cares! And what is your favorite sing — song, I mean? Lady R. (hangs head). "Then You'll Remember Me." ( Archibad falls into a chair. Barbara stands in gloating triumph. Lady R. chews gum vigorously, gazing at Archi- bad. Dark stage. Lights out for fifteen seconds, during which palm is removed and a few pieces of furniture are differently placed. Lights full on. Lady R, discovered saeted in a chair, still chewing hard on gum.) Enter Sir Francis Levi's Son, C. D. He is puffing on a cigarette and twisting mustache. Sir Francis. Aha! Aha! Lady Ringabell! Aha! Lady R. What do you want here? Sir Francis. Vat do I vant, is it? Say, I got it a goot rights here, y' understand. I am de villain in de play. (Comedy business of stroking mustache and glaring fiercely at her.) Lady R. You have come to tell me you love me. EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 13 Sir Francis. Aha! You know it yet already. Lady R. How dare you speak of love when work is so plentiful. (Rises.) Sir Francis. Say, ain't I got to be de villain? Ain't I got to make you trouble? Lady R. That's right. I had forgotten. Now what do I say? Sir Francis. Veil, you must say, "Unhand me, villain! Unhand me, I say !" Lady R. (languidly). Very well; consider it said. Sir Francis. Goot ! I am now unhanded. De next ting is it, you must repulse me. Lady R. And how do I re-pulse you ? I never re-pulsed a man in my life. Sir Francis. Veil, I ain't sure. But I tink you slap me on de wrist, near de pulse. Lady R. (languidly) . Very well. You are repulsed. Now leave me. I have nothing to do until tomorrow. (Yawns.) Sir Francis. Goot ! I have now got you in my power house. All you have got to do is to sign my cigarette papers, and you are mine — aha! (Folds arms and puffs cigarette.) Enter Joy Ice, C. Joy Ice (to Lady R.). Say, for the love of Mike, come and kiss your little Isabell good night. Lady R. Oh, tell the coachman to do it. I'm busy. Joy Ice. B'gorry, I will! And I'll tell him to give her a bucket of oats, too. (Exit C.) Lady R. Do. Anything to make the little darling com- fortable for the night. Sir Francis. And now I'm off. Lady R. I knew that a long time ago. Sir Francis. I mean I should go. Lady R. I'm pleased to hear it. Don't slam the door on your way out. Sir Francis. Lis-ten. You are about to see your hus- band vit another woman. He don't love her, but you tink he does, because I am de villain, and in a play de heroine 14 . EAST OF LYNN, MASS. always believes de villain until de very last act, ven she changes her mind and believes everybody else but de vil- lain. Come on. Ve vill go together, and you shall be de- ceived. Lady R. {takes his arm). We might as well. The sooner we get to the last act the better for all concerned. {Exeunt R. 2 E.) Enter Archibad and Barbara, L. 2 E. Archibad. YVe are now strolling near a patch of woods. Barbara. Yes, and I have brought you here to get you in bad with your wife. You could just as well have met me in the daytime, but in this case there wouldn't have been any family trouble. Archibad. It's a splendid idea, but rather overworked. However, we'll try it once more. Now take my arm, so my wife can see us. {Exeunt L. 2 E.) Enter Lady Rixgabell and Sir Francis, R. 2 E. Sir Francis. There they are, Lady Ringabell. Now you are deceived, ain't it? Lady R. Yes. Take me away. Take me away. Take me to {local town). I don't care what becomes of me. (Lady R. chews on gum vigorously and languidly fans herself, while Sir Francis puffs on cigarette, smiles sneer- ing ly and twists mustache, as the stage becomes dark. Then during the interval a small stove, oil burner, is placed at C.) Enter Archibad, C. He is reading a letter. Archibad {reading). "Dear Hub: When the years go by and my children ask where I am, tell them I've gone to get my shoes shined. Yours respectfully. Friend wife." {Tears letter into small bits.) Oh, Ringabell! Whatta ye mean you're going to get your shoes shined? Oh, how happy I am tonight. How happy! Enter Richard, C. Richard. Ah, good evening. Archibad. Good evening sir. What can I do for you? Richard {aside). He knows me not. He knows me not. EAST OF LYNN, MASS. # 15 (Throws cane down.) Now look! (Strikes comedy dra- matic pose.) Archibad (staggered). Richard! I am thunderstruck ! Richard. Can't be done. Not in the winter time. Archibad. And what came you here for? Richard. London is getting too hot to hold me. Archibad. Too hot. And in the winter time? Richard. True.* You are the great little come-back. Archibad. But come. This is no place for a minister's son. You must go before it begins to snow. Otherwise it will snow before you begin to go. Richard (runs to door C, recoils). Too Jate! The snow has began to snow. (Small bits of paper are flung in handfuls on stage from L. 2 E. and R. 2 E.) Archibad. Curses ! Richard (comes back, picks up oil stove). What care I? (Starts for C. D.) Archibad. Stop ! That's my stove ! Richard (turns at C. D.) You're mistaken. It was yours. It's mine now. And it shall keep me warm in this raging blizzard. Good-bye. See you later. (Exit C. D. with stove.) Archibad. Well, wh.at do you think of that? My wife's gone and now is also my dearly beloved stove. Oh, I am so lonely and miserable. (Thrusts hands in trousers pock- ets, whistles a lively air and exits R. 2 E.) Enter Barbara and Miss Carr Ride, C. Barbara. I am now Mrs. Carr Ride. Seven years have elapsed within a very short space of time. Miss C. R. I hope you will be just as unhappy as Archi- bad's other wife. Barbara. Thanks. I hope so, too, and I know I shall. I wonder where my husband is? (Looks about.) Miss C. R. Umph ! You're not the first wife who has wondered where her husband was. If I run across him, I'll send him up. (Exit R. 2 E.) Enter Archibad, L. 2 E. 16 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Barbara. Hello, husband. Archibad. Hello, wife. Barbara. Did you know, Archie, that I am some singer? Archibad (groans). And my other wife used to sing. And what is your favorite song? Barbara. "Then You'll Remember Me/' Archibad. Go ahead. I'll dare you to sing it. (Bar- rara sings part of the chorus of song in off key and in a burlesque manner.) Enter Lady Ringabell, C, as Madame Tomato Vine, during finish of song by Barbara. She takes a wad of chewing gum from her mouth and sticks it beneath a tabic top. Madame V. (aside). Now I am disguised. (To Bar- bara.) That's the worst singing I ever heard. Archibad. Ah, Barbara. This is our new governess. Treat her just like one of the family. Madame V. I shall expect better treatment than that. Archibad. Oh, we're used to servants. We usually have two, you know. (Exit C. D.) Barbara. Yes. One going and one coming. Madame V. (aside). My disguise is perfect. But how I long to chew. Barbara. Y^ou must be very careful of my children, Madame. They are used to being struck with, a baseball bat, and anything else would hardly answer. Madame V. And if a baseball bat would answer, what would it say? Barbara. Ah, I see you have a high sense of humor. This perhaps will also strike you as particularly funny. My little boy has very weak lungs, and the doctor says he is not long for this world. Madame V. (laughs loudly). That is indeed very com- ical. (Laughs.) Barbara (laughs merrily). What a charming woman you are. But, somehow, it strikes me that I have seen your face before. Madame V. Yes, that's where I eenerallv wear it. EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 17 Barbara. But of course' I am mistaken. One could never see that face and ever forget it. I shall go now and find little William. Pray be very careful of the little darling. Madame V. I shall be very careful. If I break the base- ball bat, you may take it out of my wag'es. (Exeunt Bar- bara and Madame Tomato Vine, L. 2 E.) Enter Sir Francis', C. D. Sir Francis (puffing on cigarette). Aha! I am here again. I ain't got much longer to be vit you, as purty quick dey get wise to me. Enter Justice B. Ware, C. D. Justice B. Are you the villain in this play ? Sir Francis (aside). Aha! See! I am discovered! (To Justice B. Ware.) I am de villain in de play. Vat do you vant? Justice B. How would you like to be arrested? Sir Francis (twists mustache). Veil, I don't know. How much vill it cost me? Justice B. Not a cent. Sir Francis (smiles). Veil, of course, if it don't cost me nothing, you may commence to arrest me. Justice B. Good. Shake. (They shake hands.) Will you come and walk with, me or shall I call the wagon? Sir Francis. Wagon? How much vill de wagon cost? Justice B. Not a cent. It's a free ride. Sir Francis (smiles). Dis is my lucky day. It ain't costing me a cent for nothing. Come. Let's go get de wagon. (They exeunt C. D., laughing and chatting). Enter Madame Tomato Vine, R. 2 E. Crosses to L. 2 E. Madame V. (calls off L.). Joy Ice! O, Joy Ice! Enter Joy Ice, L. 2 E. Joy Ice. Well, what's wanted? Madame V. Bring little William up. I want to look him over. Joy Ice. He's here, ma'am, and he grows weaker every hour. Madame V. Then carry him in — the poor little darling. 18 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Joy Ice. Very well, ma'am. I'll be after carryin' in the poor little darlint. (Exit L. 2 E.) Madame V. (goes to couch and arranges pillows). How glad I am that my little darling boy is going to die. Joy Ice (off L.). Come, little darlint. The new nurse girl do be wantin' ye. Madame V. Yes, yes. Bring him in, Joy Ice. (At couch.) Enter Joy Ice and Little Willie, L. 2 E. The latter is seated in a small express wagon, sucking on a large stick of candy, while Joy Ice pulls the wagon. They stop at C. Joy Ice. Here's the little darlint. Ain't he cute. Madame V. (goes to wagon, bends over Willie). How are you feeling, Willie? Willie (in a deep voice). Rotten! Madame V. (to Joy Ice). Pick him up, Joy Ice, and lay him on the couch. Joy Ice (surprised). What! Pick him up? Willie. Yes, go on and pick me up. I'll dare you to. (Sucks on candy.) Madame V. He must lie down to die. Oh, what shall I do? Joy Ice (slaps Willie on shoulder a resounding whack ). Come on out of that, before I muss up the best room in the house wid ye. Willie. Now you stop. (Comedy cry.) Madame V. (at couch, soothingly). There, there, Willie. I'm quite sure she meant only to hurt you. Come here, darling. (Willie gets out of wagon, toddles in baby bur- lesque manner to couch and lies down.) Joy Ice (grabs candy out of his mouth). What do ye mean eatin' candy, and ye dyin'? (Puts candy in her mouth and exits L. 2 E.) Willie. How long do you figure before I die? Madame Y. Oh, not very long — if I have my way. Willie. Oh, you are so good and kind. I had a mamma once. Madame V. Only once? How strange. (Laughs.) EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 19 Willie. But why do you grieve so for me? I am not your child. Madame V. That's why I am so happy. (Laughs.) Enter Archibad, R. 2 E. Archibad (goes to couch). Ah, my little son. Madame Tomato Vine is a fine nurse, is she not? Willie. Yes— she is not. Archibad (to Madame V.). Do you not perceive a. change in his countenance? Madame V. No, but I'd like to. You do it. I'm not strong enough to change it much. Archibad. It's going to be hard to lose him. Madame V. Hard? Say, it's going to be almost impos- sible. Archibad. Well, I got to go and bring in the gang. I know they'll enjoy looking at his finish. (Exit L. 2 E., singing gayly.) Madame V. (cautiously glancing about). We are alone. (Goes to table, beneath the top of which she has stuck chewing gum, gets gum and returns quickly to couch.) Oh, Willie, in your last hour, try to think that I am your mother. Willie. Say, I wouldn't try to think that on a bet. Madame V. (puts gum in mouth and chews vigorously). Look me over, Willie. I am your mother ! Willie (raises to sitting posture). Well, what do you think of that? Madame V. And now that you know it, please go ahead and die. Willie. Oh, very well. (Lays comfortably back on couch.) Madame V. I just know my heart will break. Oh, my child — my child! (Stops, at a loss for further words. Punches Willie in ribs.) Say, wait a minute before you die. What's the rest of my speech? I've forgotten it com- pletely. Willie (raising head). How do you suppose I know? It's all I can do to speak my own lines. (Lays back again.) oct 23 ms 20 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. Madame V. Oh, what shall I do ? I am putting the finish of this play on the bum. Enter Archibad, L. 2 E., arm in arm with Barbara, Richard, Justice B. Ware and Sir Francis. Enter C, Miss Carr Ride, Joy Ice and Lord Seven from R. 2 E. Archibad (to Madame V.). Well, what's the trouble? Madame V. I can't think of anything- more to say. Archibad. Then if Willie's dead, and you don't know any more, I suggest that we have the curtain come down as quickly as possible. All (in chorus). Yes — please let it come quicker than that. Quick Curtain. DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. M. F. Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 30 min 6 10 Great Doughnut Corporation, 30 min. 3 5 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6