g5 N. PRICE I2J OEN Copy 1 i; \ THOUGHTS ,0 ON DOMESTIC LIFE: ITS CONCORD AND DISCORD: WITH SUGGESTIONS HOW TO PROMOTE THE ONE AND AVOID THE OTHER. J BY NELSON SIZER. " IT IS NOT GOOD THAT MAN" OR WOMAN " SHOULD BE ALONE." NEW YORK: FOWLERS AND WELLS, PUBLISHERS, NOS. 129 AND 131 NASSAU STREET, IN CLINTON HALL. "/■ THOUGHTS DOMESTIC LIFE, ITS CONCORD AND DISCORD. WITH SUGGESTIONS HOW TO PROMOTE THE OSE AND AVOID THE OTHER, BY NELSON SIZE JR.. " IT IS NOT GOOD THAT MAN" OR WOMAN "SHOULD EE ALONE." NEW YORK: FOWLERS AND WELLS, PUBLISHERS, 129 AND 131 NASSAU STREET. V T>\ Entered, According to act of Congress, in the year 1850, by NELSON SI Z i: R. in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District if New York. BANER AND PALMER, STEREOTYPEHS, 201 William street, corner of Frankfurt. PREFACE. These lectures were written with no design to their publication. They formed a part of a very extended course of lectures on Phrenology, which were delivered at the city of Washington, in 1841, in connection with Mr. P. L. Buell. The favor with which they were received by the audience, and the earnest solicitation through the city papers for their immediate repetition, together with invitations to deliver them in the neigh- boring cities of Alexandria and Georgetown, first sug- gested the thought, that they might deserve a more permanent form. In the year 1842, Mr. O. S. Fowler published in the " Phrenological Journal," his deservedly popular work on " Matrimony," which, in another form, has been widely circulated in this country and in England. Mr. L.'N. Fowler has since published a very valuable treatise on the same subject. These were presumed to be all that the public sentiment demanded on this most interesting and important subject. But many of the readers of those works express a favorable opin- ion of these lectures, and solicit their publication. Believing that there is not only ample room, but a necessity, for all that has been said or written, and an hundred times more, to correct a tithe of the evils which cluster around the matrimonial altar, the reso- lution has been finally formed to commit this humble effort to the public. That the perusal of these pages may serve to revive in the minds of his former auditors some generous emotions of long cherished friendship — that, at least, IV PREFACE. some unhappy marriages may be prevented, and many appropriate ones formed, and that those who are un- congenially wedded may be guided in their desires and efforts to surmount their sorrows and gain the goal of " happiness, their being's end and aim," is the earnest desire of The Author. LECTURE I. Man is constituted a social being. He is formed for society and intercourse, and the very elements of his na- ture are opposed to a life of solitude. He ever delights in having, at least, one boon companion, in whom he can confide, with all the freedom and faithfulness of his own breast. Without this social law, life would hardly be worth possessing. On the basis of this elementary law of our nature, rests the institution of marriage, which is coe- val with the existence of man, and constitutes the centre of the system of the social relations, around which they all revolve. If we look at the primeval history of the race, we dis- cover the origin, and the Divine sanction of this institution. " And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone : I will make him a help meet for him." He then produced just such a being, as was best suited to be at once the friend and companion of man. Then, and not till then, was creation perfect. At that auspicious moment was the climax of nature consummated, as the blushing glory of man burst forth upon a rejoicing world in the lovely form of woman ; who is, emphatically, the guardian of infancy, the guide of youth, the companion and orna- ment of riper years, the solace of age, at all times a friend, and an angel of mercy in sickness and death. Man, on the contrary, is the natural protector of woman. He willingly buffets the ills and fatigues of life, the danger and privations of war; he seeks wealth in the bowels of the earth, and wafts the treasures of other climes over the bo- 1* 6 BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE. som of the stormy sea, and ever feels restless and unsatis- fied till he has laid the whole at the feet of his beloved. The desire for the marriage state, and the duties and pleasures connected with it, are reciprocal. The mutual assistance and happiness arising from it, render it equally desirable, and whether it be acknowledged or not, we be- lieve that it is, by each party, equally sought. This be- ing true, the question naturally arises, how can this great end of our being be achieved, so as to secure the benefits and avoid the difficulties of the enterprize ? Very few persons in society voluntarily lead a life of ce- libacy, and although the surly bachelor may sneer at the idea of matrimony, yet allow me to remark that, if he has chosen that mode of life, from any cause, save his conscious unworthiness of a wife, he has little to expect from me on this occasion. Is he destitute of the common sympathies of our nature? Has he no heart to feel the tender witch- ery of female charms; or, is it encased in steel, so that Cupid's dart cannot perforate it; or, is he too indolent, or too miserly to support a wife ? He ought to remember that he is indebted to the institution of marriage for a home, even, and a place to lay his head. He is usually a supernumerary in some family where he may, at least, hang up his hat and cane and call it home. But those who advocate a life of celibacy, should be regarded by all good citizens, as enemies to one of the best institutions, and to the general well-being of society. With such persons, we have nothing to do, but shall confine our re- marks to those, who, having a proper estimate of this re- lation, are seeking a companion, such as shall divide the sorrows and double the joys of life. Marriage is the theme of the youthful mind; the cli- max of its fondest hopes; the inspiration of every noble sentiment. It gives wings to laudable ambition; energy to industry; efficiency to enterprize; a noble heart to valor; MISERABLE MARRIAGES. 7 a high tone to the feelings, and stability to the character. As soon as the youthful mind is expanded to any consider- able extent, the thoughts and actions tend to this blissful goal. The lad, learns to be kind, courteous and atten- tive — the miss, becomes agreeable, graceful and accom- plished. From this view of the subject, we perceive an inherent disposition to associate in the matrimonial state ; and inas- much as it is a part of our nature to desire it, and that we cannot be happy as individuals, or, as a community with- out it; we conclude that "marriage is not the effect of human reflection, but an original decree of the Creator." When we see that marriage is desired by all ; the high and the low; the literate and illiterate; and that, the hopes arising from a prospective view of it, have a ten- dency to inspire in youth the activity of those faculties which adorn the human character; producing correct feel- ings and conduct before , and virtue and fidelity after its consummation; that by marriage, little social communi- ties are instituted; one of the first laws of the Creator obeyed; the rising generation cared for, and the general well-being of the great mass of mankind promoted, we shall, I trust, with one consent, render a verdict in its fa- vor. If there is one green spot on this sin-smitten earth — one happy memento of a "Paradise lost," it may be found in that sacred institution, whose office it is, to give to suf- fering mortals the bow of promise in the storm, and shed on earth's dark drapery the sun-light of peace. Married life, in many instances, has much of bitterness connected with it, in the present state of society, if we are to take the testimony of thousands as proof of the fact. The causes of the existence of this state of things, maybe found in our want of self-knowledge and self-control, and the power to pre-judge of the character and disposition of those with whom we associate. It is unfortunately true, 8 MISERABLE MARRIAGES. that many a man or woman is rendered unhappy for life, by being wedded to an unsuitable partner. A lady, for example, of a kind disposition; the gushing fountain of whose heart sends forth a flood of benevolence and love as v*arm and free as the balmy breath of spring, who has been so unfortunate as to wed an arch and smil- ing hypocrite ; one who is a total stranger to the noble sen- timent of affection and whose heart is frigid as an iceberg; with such an one, is it possible that she can be happy 7 In vain may she weep and hope ; a dreary region of suf- fering and sorrow is her portion, till she, broken-hearted, quits her vale of tears for the regions of the blest. Well may we shed the tear of pity over her hard lot; the blight- ed hopes of her young heart; her living immuration in a nuptial prison; her worse than Hindoo sacrifice. If unhappy wives were the only dark spots that deface the matrimonial picture, its contemplation were less pain- ful; but, when we find some equally unhappy husbands, we would heave a sigh for those who are unhappily wed- ded, and invoke every means in our power to obviate re- sults so unfortunate to the married. He who lavishes his first and best affections upon one who is unworthy of a man of noble and generous feelings, and cannot reciprocate them, finds, when it is too late, that his hopes of connubial bliss are blasted, and a thorn planted in his soul, which, with its fes- tering malignity is corroding his tenderest sensibilities and producing a desolation in his heart, which time, instead of alleviating, will only serve to augment. Intemperance, desertion or suicide are often resorted to, as an imaginary relief; they are wrecked on Scylla in the attempt to avoid Charybdis. It is as a wife that the defects of the female character appear in all their deformity, "and grow upon the disappointed husband like the frightful figures of the magic lantern, increasing in hideousness, as they increase in magnitude and distinctness. It is when the doating lover begins to suspect that the silent calm, which he had MISERABLE MARRIAGES. 9 hitherto mistaken for maiden shyness, is, in reality, the silence of the soul — the calm of imperturbable stagnation. When he discovers that he has devoted his best affections to a beautiful, but marble statue; when he returns to his home, which ought to be an ever sunny place, and finds nothing but the yawning vacancy of a cold and cheerless void; when he pours his fresh warm feelings that burst in unstudied language from his burning lips upon the stony surface of an insensible heart, and that heart a woman's — it is then he shrinks back repelled and blasted, as if the blooming charms he once adored, were exchanged for de- formity and horror." Thus, we have a sample of unhappy marriages, where, as the Apostle says, they are "unequally yoked together." But this affords no good argument against matrimony it- self. The only difficulty in either case arises from a neg- lect, either wilfully or ignorantly, of the character and dis- position of the other party. Many ladies, in view of the matrimonial shipwreck of their sisters, have utterly refused to many, lest a like des- tiny should befall themselves. Rocks and shoals exist in the sea, and vessels sometimes founder through accident, carelessness, or the ignorance of navigators. It should also be remembered that there is in fact a plenty of " sea- room," and good charts and the compass; so that ship- wrecks are not the fault of the ocean, but of those who navigate it. Let as much attention be paid to the science of mind in connection with the matrimonial relation, as is now bestowed on that of navigation, and then it might be engaged in with as much certainty and safety, as the commerce of nations. "On no subject of equal importance to marriage, does there exist in society, so much ignorance and selfishness ; ignorance, of its designs and the laws which should regu- late it; selfishness, in the motives and objects of those en- tering- into this relation." 10 ACCEPTING THE FIRST OFFER. Thus far, I have followed but a descriptive path, which, I apprehend, your knowledge of mankind will sustain me m saying, is but too often trodden in sober reality. But, the more difficult yet less painful part of my task remains to be done. It will not, I trust, be expected of me, on this occasion, to follow the ardent suitor through the meanderings of making love to his fair Desdemona, the breathing of those soft and honeyed words intended for her ear alone ; or to describe the throbbing heart and burning cheek of the modest maiden, as she expects, hopes for, and yet dreads, the fall disclosure of the tender passion of her beloved, which proposition, like a caged bird, is struggling for free- dom, and is to seal their mutual fate for weal or woe. 77u6*, is a task, beyond the power of my tongue or pen. It is the voice of nature, and cannot be imitated. As the rich, soft tints of departing sun-light on the bosom of the fleecy cloud, look beautifully simple, yet cannot be copied by art 5 so, the half uttered, half suppressed vow of con- stancy and love, cannot be repeated, except under the sympathetic fervor of that exciting moment. I hope, therefore, I shall have your kind indulgence, if I leave each of you to assume such manners, and to breathe such melting expressions, as are most congenial with your respective tastes, and such as best comport with the high dignity of the enterprize. In granting this indulgence, you will allow me to confine myself, princi- pally, to such hints, as will enable each to avoid deception in the choice of a companion, and secure the blessings designed by its Author, to attend the holy estate of mat- rimony. This being done, I will venture to hope, that your kind attention and my humble effort, shall not have been in vain. Young persons are often hasty in contracting mar- riage ; too much disposed to accept the first offer, whether ACCEPTING THE FIRST OFFER. 11 it be good or bad, lest they should be compelled to lead a life of single blessedness. But, say the ladies, " it is not left to as to make a selec- tion; we must wait in silence for such offers as maybe given, and then, the use of the little monosyllable, Yes, or No, decides our destiny." You mistake your influence, you look upon only one side of the question. The heart of man is not adamant; neither is he blind to the power of woman's love, or, the omnipotence of thai ' : merit that wins the soul." Although gentlemen nominally make the pro- posal, yet I am far from believing that ladies exert less influence in engaging attention, awakening affection, and directing matrimonial destiny. The sexes are about equally divided in point of num- ber, and as all good men should have a wife, and gene- rally seek one, the ladies have as good an opportunity of obtaining a husband, as if the customs of society sanc- tioned their taking the lead in the transaction. It would seem to be of far less importance to marry , than to marry icell; but, while very early marriages are encouraged, and while fancy takes the lead of sober sense and judgment in this matter ; married life will continue to be, what it is at present; a source of disappointment and repentance to thousands of our race. A lady once remarked to me, that she thought a ^wo- man's chance in matrimonial affairs, was like an angler, casting his hook into the sea for fish; not having the power to make even one bite; or, if he should chance to k get a bite, 5 he did not know whether it were a fish or a serpent." I replied that her remark " seemed to refer, rather to the proposal than to marriage itself, and that the angler, when the serpent on his hook was in his power, if he were wise, would follow an illustrious example of the olden time, viz., 'gather the good into vessels, and cast the bad awav-' " It is certainlv as well to starve, as to 12 EARLY MARRIAGE. eat a poisonous serpent. A bad husband, or wife, is much worse than none, and single blessedness, is preferable to wedded misery. But, does a lady never have a second offer? There is very little danger to her future pros- pects, in discarding an unworthy suitor; but, total destruc- tion alike to hope and happiness, when marriage shall be the result of such an offer. There is a popular error in society, which is, that a lady is at her zenith at twenty, and old at twenty-five, at which age, she cannot expect a favorable marriage set- tlement, or, if she should chance to obtain one, it is re- garded in the light of a lottery-prize, a lucky freak of for- tune. This idea has given rise to the old adage, that "at sixteen, a girl says, who shall I take ? — at twenty, who shall I get ? — and at twenty-five, who will take me?" This opinion is brought about, by young ladies them- selves. Volatile and ardent in their feelings; with the rose of beauty on their cheek and more than diamond brightness in their eye, they apprehend little difficulty in selecting, from among their many admirers, one, who would be suited to their taste and circumstances in every respect, before the May-day of life shall have past. With feelings, such as these, they do not hesitate to express the opinion, in the presence of those who worship at the shrine of their beauty and accomplishments, that a lady of twenty-five is too old to have any pretensions to the admiration of the other sex. In their opinion, no age but that of " sweet sixteen," is worthy to monopolize the field of love. Thus, if they are not married young, they set a snare for themselves in the minds of gentlemen, who as- sume their opinions as true, and direct their attention to the gay young miss, leaving the matured lady of twenty- five, for widowers, superannuated bachelors, and those who never had high claims to the favors of the fair. Should any contingency protract the marriage of the lady who gave rise to this state of feeling, till she is twenty- PROPER AGE TO MARRY. 13 five, she becomes a victim to a fashion of her own mak- ing. The consequence is, she feels neglected, and is more ready to accept the hand of one, whom, seven years be- fore, she would have considered unequal to her high pre- tensions. In other words, where this false notion prevails, relative to the proper age to marry, many ladies become less particular at the age of twenty-five than they were at eighteen. This morbid anxiety to settle in life at all hazards ; and the idea that at twenty-five, a lady is old and unacceptable, has a tendency to cheapen a lady in her own estimation, and many unhappy marriages is the result. Ladies are considered marriageable, too early in life. A miss, as she enters her 'teens, is taught by the customs, and conversation of society, to believe that a lynx-eye must be directed to the main chance. This induces early marriages; and, as before remarked, not only causes gen- tlemen to seek a wife from among the young; but, also, inspires in the minds of ladies the belief that, they must marry before they are twenty-five, or, "the harvest will be past — the summer ended; 55 and, like the miss, who was directed to walk through a cane-brake and select the straightest reed, feel compelled at last to accept a crooked one or none. Through the influence of this popular error, a highly estimable woman is often thrown away, upon an unworthy man, whose only qualification, in point of fact, is to make her unhappy. This state of things is unfortunate, and should be cor- rected. In England, a lady at twenty-five would resent the imputation of being old; and few, in that country, are married before they are twenty. "In Wurtemberg, it is illegal for a young man to marry before he is twenty-five, or a young woman before she is eighteen. 55 In the New England States, a lady is looked upon as being in her zenith at about twenty-four, and the much dreaded appel- lation of "old maid," is never applied till after the age of 14 MENTAL QUALITIES OF THE SEXES. thirty. With a popular sentiment such as this, the sup- posed necessity for marrying very young is superceded. The natural law in regard to marriage, is, that the bodily constitution should be fully developed, and the mind im- proved by education and matured by age, to enable the lady to make a judicious choice, and at the same time be qualified to become a good wife. In marriage, all hope for happiness ; yet many, alas ! are disappointed. Phrenology, which is the only true phi- losophy of mind,most earnestly appeals to our consideration, in the choice of a bosom companion. It teaches us the nature of our own failings, and how to correct them ; while it furnishes a key by which we may learn the real temper and disposition of others, and thus enable us to form cor- rect conclusions of the qualities necessary to constitute a happy union. This, is one of the high prerogatives of our science. You may repress the smile, if you please, which this annunciation may have excited, till you shall have fol- lowed me through the subject, and if I do not clear it up, I will endeavor to leave it as well as I found it, viz., to suffer people to go on as heretofore, blindfolded if they will, and marry for an air distingue, a haughty mustache, a rosy cheek, a pretty foot, a delicate hand, or, " a love breeding dimple," if they can find nothing better to admire. One reason why marriage is a source of unhappiness to so many, is, that the parties do not properly understand their rights, duties, and appropriate sphere of action. Phrenology teaches, that man, has more of Destructive- ness, Combativeness, Firmness and Self Esteem, and lar- ger reasoning organs than woman. These faculties, bring him into harmony with his peculiar duties. They give dignity, sternness and force of character ; fit him for the protection of country, home and friends ; they give that lofty tread and noble bearing, that bold heroic courage which rushes into danger, deals out retribution to every lawless invader of his rights, and sways the destiny of woman's nature. 15 states and empires. They climb the dizzy heights of sci- ence, and ask of nature, unabashed, the most exalted of her secrets. Phrenology also teaches, that woman is endowed with larger social and moral organs, which give a different cur- rent to her feelings, and a different sphere of action, and thus admirably fit her to be the solace and ornament of society. Rev. Mr. Gannet, has beautifully said, " The sensibili- ties and affections, are the strength of woman's nature. Feeling, is the favorite element of her soul. She has an instinctive sympathy with the tender, the generous, and the pure. We expect from her, examples of goodness. Vice appears more unnatural in her, than in the other sex ; it certainly is more odious. Vulgarity, seems coarser ; immorality, more inexcusable; impiety, more shocking. ' A wicked woman,' expresses the climax of depravity. By the law of her nature, moreover, woman is determined towards reliance and confidence, rather than towards an independence of foreign support. She is willing to rest on another's arm ; she seeks protection ; she covets affec- tion." Lavater, also, who closely studied human nature, is very appropriate in his description of the mental manifestations. He says, " Woman is more pure, tender, affectionate, and patient than man. She is the counterpart of man — taken out of man, to comfort him like angels and to lighten his cares. She thinks less profoundly than man ; sensi- bility is her power. They often rule more effectually, more sovereignly, than man. They rule with tender looks, with tears and sighs, but not with passions and threats; for, if they so rule, they are no longer women, but abortions. They are capable of the sweetest sensibility, the most profound emotion, and the excess of enthusiasm. The whole world is forgotten, in the presence and proximity of him they love." 16 MARRIAGE OF MIND. " Man hears the bursting thunder ; views the destructive bolt with serene aspect, and stands erect amid the awful majesty of the streaming clouds. Woman, trembles at the lightning and the voice of distant thunder, and shrinks into herself, or, sinks into the arms of man. She contemplates the rainbow, as the promise of peace ; lie extends his in- quiring eye over the whole horizon. Woman, laughs; man, smiles ; woman, weeps 5 man, remains silent ; woman is in anguish, when man weeps ; and in despair, when man is in anguish." This picture, drawn from nature, exhibits at a glance, the distinguishing mental characteristics of the sexes ; while the new light of Phrenology comes forward and illu- minates the interesting mystery. It is clear, that the pe- culiar qualities of each are requisite to complete the human character ; and we find the index to these peculiari- ties written with the unerring pen of nature, in the organi- zation of the brain. The collective mental qualities of the male and female character, thus conjoined and interlaced, produce a kind of oneness, a complete identity, and illus- trate the declarations, " In the image of God created he him ; male and female created he them." " They twain shall be one." Lavater says, "Man singly, is but half a man ; at least but half human — a king without a kingdom ; nor is man what he may, and ought to be, but in conjunc- tion with woman." Dr. Franklin's remark, upon the odd half of a pair of shears, is in good keeping with the above. Let each, then, be mutual helpers. " Let not the head say to the hand, I have no need of thee." Let neither assume superiority ; as neither can properly exist without the other. Let each feel and acknowledge the claims of love, duty, sympathy and protection, and never transcend the sphere in which nature designed, and has fitted, each to move. It must be apparent to all, that the plow, the fiery woman's sphere. 17 courser, the shrill war-bugle, the sword and battle-axe, were not made for woman. The clang of arms, as might contends against might, hewing down thousands upon the bloody field, the roaring cannon, thundering forth its iron shower of death, hurling to their last sleep the bravest hearts that ever struggled for human liberty, are scenes, ill suited to the tender nature of woman. Or, would she be a mariner, grappling with the angry storm on the surg- ing bosom of the briny deep, where white-capped moun- tain waves leap from their ocean-bed and dance among the clouds, mocking the vivid lightning which gleams about their heads, and chanting, with the pealing thunder that rolls across their dark blue bosoms, the awful chorus of the storm ? To soothe the cares of man, and throw around the do- mestic circle a blessed halo of peace and purity ; to refine the coarser feelings of man ; to sweeten the cup of afflic- tion, trembling on the lip of distress ; to pour " the oil of consolation" into the wounds of the troubled spirit, and mould the infant mind for patriotism, piety and heaven, is her proper sphere, and should be her highest ambition. To say that this is not nobility, would be a perversion of language, as well as of fact and common sense. Woman may sigh for regal power, but let her rule, as did Mary, the mother of Washington, through the char- acter of the son. Does she thirst for the conquests of proud Caesar ; the fame of Alexander, which only made him wretched ; or the fickle fortune of a Cromwell or Na- poleon 1 But let her remember, that, like a star hurled in a tangent from its orbit 5 so she, lured from her proper sphere, by a worse than false, — a wicked ambition — vio- lates the law of order, which, being " Heaven's first law," cannot be disregarded with impunity. Let her cultivate her intellectual and moral powers, and if she desires literary fame, a Sigourney, a Hemans and a 2* 18 UNEQUAL MATCHES. Sedgwick, a Hale, a Leslie or a Landon, may be her examples. Is she patriotic ? let her breathe upon the budding genius of her son, the spirit of a Washington, a Chatham, a Lafayette, a Jefferson, a Sherman or a Henry. Or, does her soul burn to preach £ the everlasting gospel V let her touch his lips with the pious fervor of a Melancthon, or a Whitefield, a Wesley, a Knox or a Chalmers — and when she hears the high-toned eloquence of human liberty bursting from his lips, and " blushing honors gathering thick upon him ;" or, from the sacred desk, pouring forth with melting pathos, " the ministry of reconciliation 5" let her rejoice, and thank God, that she has been a wife and mother, and that the highest human duty, has been, by her, faithfully performed. Having spoken of the nature of man and woman, and the appropriate sphere of action of each ; we conclude, that the Author of our being has placed man under the in- fluence of specific, organic laws, and indicated those laws by external signs, which laws and signs, if well consulted, would place him in harmony with his own nature, and with the external world. A proper understanding of phrenology, which is but another name for the laws of our mental constitution, would give us at once a clue to the thousand feuds in society; while a knowledge of, and obedi- ence to, those laws, would bring that reign of peace, for which the soul of the philanthropist leaps with joy, in anti- cipation of its bright dawn. Has the young man found that " it is not good for him to be alone," and does he instinctively turn to select for himself, one, who shall be to him in every lane of life, a wife and friend ? The most important crisis of his life has now arrived, requiring the coolest judgment, and the most vigilant sagacity. It is thought by many, if not by a ma- jority of mankind, that strong affection between the par- FAMILY QUARREL. 19 ties is amply sufficient to secure their matrimonial happi- ness, however many strong points of repulsion may exist in their characters. It is not uncommon for persons to possess many strong attracting and repelling predisposi- tions, and although they may be united by the warmest affection and the purest of motives ; yet they find by sad experience, that they cannot live agreeably together but at short intervals. They disagree and quarrel ; but as soon as the unhappy moment of excitement is past, they feel aggrieved at their folly — to give it no worse a name — censure self for the deed ; repent of it as in sackcloth ; live a short time in peace, and then repeat the drama. Thus they go on from year to year, sinning and repenting, but without the least possible reformation, till the last vestige of affec- tion is dethroned and final separation embitters the residue of their lives. Although, perhaps, in a majority of cases of unhappy wedlock, a correct knowledge of the causes and the rem- edy which phrenology unfolds, would enable the parties so to control, reform and assimilate their charaters, as not only to render connubial life tolerable, but even pleasura- ble ; yet, there are some persons between whom strong social attachments exist, whose other mental qualities seem to render it wholly impossible for them to live hap- pily together. An instance of this, has fallen under my own notice. A married couple in Massachusetts, quar- relled soon after their union, and separated. Unhappy in this condition, a reconciliation was effected, and for awhile, the sea of their life ran smoothly. Another storm, how- ever, arose, and they parted. Thus have they gone on for twelve years, uniting and parting two or three times each year, neither happy when together, nor when separated. They are a perfect puzzle to their friends, who can place no reliance on their promises of amendment. A key to this ludicrous contradiction of character is furnished by Phrenology ; it is simply this. The social 20 TfiE QUARREL EXPLAINED ITS CURE. organs of Amativeness and Adhesiveness, are large in both, the natural impulses of which prompt them to unite. Combativeness and Destructiveness are also large in each and not restrained by high moral powers, the excessive activity and strength of which produce a .quarrel under the slightest provocation, and they separate. When the excitement of Combativeness and Destructiveness has subsided, the social organs produce unhappiness while separated, and they again unite. When two organs, which stand in natural opposition to each other; such, for example as Benevolence and De- structiveness, are large, and are not directed by others equally strong; circumstances give tone to the char- acter. If Firmness with Combativeness and Destruc- tiveness be large ; the wife should have those organs in smaller development, with great Benevolence, Adhe- siveness and Cautiousness, the natural exercise of which will serve to soften the sterner features of her husband's character, by quieting his vigorous propensities and calling into activity his higher sentiments. By such means, may the character of the man be essentially improved. Proper cultivation, however, should have rendered it unnecessary for the wife to remodel his character after marriage. In- asmuch as many have consummated their selection, and are less happy than they desire to be ; to such the fact is important, that, by careful and persevering effort, their dispositions may be greatly improved, and domestic hap- piness shed her warming radiance on their pathway, and many of their former hopes be realized. I long for that state of things to arrive, when a man's head shall be as closely studied, when he offers his hand in matrimony, as the extent of his fields, or the amount of his cash. Then, will flattery cease to be an altar, on which, to sacrifice the fondest hopes of the confiding and the good. Then, shall the black-hearted hypocrite be dragged from his fastness, and exhibited in the broad HYPOCRISY IN COURTSHIP. 21 blaze of truth, in all his haggard deformity. Then, will men seek to be internally virtuous, as well as externally ac- complished with a whitewash character, which only allures to deceive. It has long been my settled opinion, that candor, should be the cardinal virtue of courtship. It is too fash- ionable to lay aside the real character, in the negotiation of matrimony, and endeavor to appear to be, what we are not. Ladies have imbibed the same spirit, either from choice or necessity, to counteract or offset the deception of man. Thus they go on deceiving, and being deceived, each representing self, at least a hundred per cent, above par. Under this garb of deception, one may assume the airs of a man of moral virtue, having, as Pollok says, " Stolen the livery of the court of Heaven, to serve the devil in." He may be fashionable ; talk in measured sen- tences; exhibit the polish of intellect and education; kiss the lady's hand genteelly, and his whole demeanor as- sume an irresistible etiquette : but remember, that, " He may smile, and smile, and be a villain." To guard against this hollow-hearted flattery, the lady plays the coquette, endeavoring to deceive him, as much as it is pos- sible for herself to be deceived. And what is gained by it to either party ? Most clearly, nothing. The primary object is, to obtain a companion better than ourselves. But when time reveals the secret, we are disgusted with the ideal perfection, which on the one hand we had deem- ed a god, or, on the other, an angel. They have proved to be but mortal, and perhaps very frail at that. I am opposed to this proxy courtship — to these mas- querade campaigns — to this shining in borrowed light, or even, false light If we become whited-walls to deceive, let us remember that a like snare may be set for our own feet, and that, although two cheats may be an even bar- gain, yet, it is, after all, a deception and a disappointment. The one main object of courtship, should be, to learn 22 FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES. the real character, and especially to become acquainted with each other's faults ; for, who would wish to marry a thief, a drunkard, an inveterate scold or slattern? yet, under the present mode of effectually concealing the true character, we may — under the garb of a fair exterior and flaming pretensions — find some one, or more of these traits of character, attached to the object of our choice. If persons do not experience in matrimony all the ideal bliss they had promised themselves, it does not prove that conjugal life has no joy; but, that they had promised themselves too much. The business man, sees thousands around him ruined by rash speculation, yet he rushes into the same course and the same ruin, all the while expect- ing that he shall escape. So, the young, may witness family quarrels, perhaps at home, yet, they hope for, and promise themselves in married life, a flowery pathway of joy, without cultivating in their own characters, those ten- der affections, and that equanimity of temper, on which, alone, can happiness be founded. Is it strange that those who neglect to sow in youth, the seeds of future happiness, and live on hope alone, should " beg in harvest, and have nothing ?" We not only cherish false hopes in respect to the future, but these same hopes induce us to promise our future partner too much : often, it may be, honestly enough, though perhaps more fre- quently, these promises are as hypocritical as they are fallacious. I recollect a tale, of one of this nattering clique, who paid his addresses to a lady, and among other fair promi- ses, told her that, if she married him, she need never to wet her hands in cold water. This was supposed to im- ply, a household of dutiful servants, and one of the most kind husbands, with which any daughter of Eve was ever blest. She married him ; but water was not brought, warmed to her room as she had been led to expect. She silently pondered the promise for a few weeks, and then hope's false bubble burst. 23 modestly reminded him of it, when she was coolly told by him, " there is wood, and there is water, and if you are too lazy to warm it for yourself, you may use it cold." Now, if no promise had been made, no expectations would have been elicited, and no disappointment experienced. Like a woman of good sense, she would have been con- tented with the cold water. The evil arising from this transaction does not consist in the use of cold water, but it shows the husband a hypocrite and a tyrant, and de- stroys in the wife every sentiment of respect and confi- dence towards him. Though, abstractly considered rela- tive to health, the promise were better broken than kept, yet it no less unmasks the dishonest folly of the man, and saps the foundation of his wife's affection and respect. LECTURE II. The influence of wealth, in connection with matrimony, is, perhaps, one of the most prolific sources of deception, and the greatest lure to both parties. Paramount considerations, on which alone can happi- ness be predicated, in this, or any other social relation, are often sacrificed to this idol — gold. Pollok, most graph- ically portrays the wide-spread infatuation of Mammon worship, in the following lines. " Gold many hunted, sweat and bled for gold, And on its altar sacrificed ease, peace, Truth, faith, integrity, good conscience, friends, Love, charity, benevolence, and all The sweet and tender sympathies of life. Most for the luxuries it brought, the pomp, The praise, the glitter, fashion and renown, This yellow phantom followed and adored." You may recollect the anecdote of an English clergy- man who was holding an argument with some of his less fortunate ministerial brethren. In reply to their cogent reasoning he perseveringly responded, "I can't see the subject as you do." Tired with this apparently selfish blindness to truth and reason, one of them wrote a word on a piece of paper and laid a gold coin over it, and asked him if he could read it, and he replied, "no, I can't see it." The guinea was removed, and he read the word "truth." Now, I respectfully suggest, that gold often hides the truth; palliates inexcusable defects, and jeopards our highest interests in affairs of matrimony. There is such a blind infatuation on this subject, that a lady, on whose intellectual and moral education, much MAMMON MARRIAGE. 25 care and expense have been bestowed, too often imagines that if she obtains a rich establishment with a husband, she shall be happy, of course, and does not stop to ask after his intellectual and moral wealth. Nature, with an unsparing hand, has lavished upon her the charms of personal and mental accomplishments, but she is not wealthy, and feels that wealth, alone, is necessary to com- plete her happiness. A constellation of admirers pay tribute at her shrine, and wealth stoops to do her homage. Her ambition sways her choice. Her hand is sought by one who is genteel and wealthy, and she pours the rich nectar of her heart's best affections upon the altar of fash- ion and of Mammon. Her warm spirit, destined for the temperate region of love, seeks a resting-place on the frigid bosom of him who never felt the noble impulse ; whose heart like adamant resists whatever is tender and pure, and congeals the burning tear that falls upon its stony surface. She awakes from her dream, and finds, when it is too late, that the smile of a hypocrite and the glitter of wealth, have ensnared her soul. Her beauty and accomplishments attracted the attention of the wealthy, but heartless villain; and finding the phantom wealth incompetent to impart happiness, she is left to pine neglected, and to drink the bitter dregs of unrequited love and of a false ambition. This sadness is wholly charge- able to a careless, yet inexcusable infringement of the law of union. Oil and water will not mingle. Union, implies likeness, adaptation, or affinity. These principles of agreement should be closely studied with reference to union for life. When " the lion shall lie down with the lamb," then, and not till then, may we expect such ill-as- sorted marriages to be productive of any thing but the utter extinguishment of every ray of hope and happiness to the parties. Is a lady rich? she has much to fear in the choice of a husband. Her purse, and not her person, may be the 26 A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. object of admiration. Avarice, or an excess of Acquisi- tiveness in an immoral man, will lead him to forego every honorable sentiment to gratify his sordid appetite for money. Such persons eagerly inquire: is she rich? is her fortune at her command ? and not is she worthy? if so, am I worthy of her? Is she kind and amiable in her disposition? Are her feelings, tastes, and education suit- ed to my own ? and last, but not least, can we reasonably hope to be happy together ? Has the man inherited the pride of an ancestral name, without its income ? With a feeble moral development, he will strive by a rich marriage, to revive his dilapidated fortune, and practice all the artifice of a demon, to accom- plish his purpose, when he seeks the person only for the patrimony. This spirit is well illustrated by a popular tale entitled, " Insubordination," founded, I believe, at Baltimore. The hero of the tale is called iVnderson, who professed to be the son of a wealthy southern plan- ter, spending the summer at Baltimore for pleasure. He lavished his attentions upon "Genevieve," the daughter of a merchant, who had acquired a fortune by toil and care, and who, by the way, had discernment enough to detect the falsity of Anderson's assumed character, and he forbad him the society of his daughter. But her insubor- dinate spirit led her to cherish his attentions and promise him her hand at all hazards. At this stage of the pro- ceedings, Anderson said to a confidential friend, relative to his expected union, " I know she is a bitter pill to swallow, but the old man is rich, and I am desperately in want of cash ; but, I confess, that Genevieve with the rhino, and Genevieve without the rhino, is not, in my judgment, one and the same person." An elopement and a clandestine marriage took place, and while the happy pair were waiting, week after week, at their apartments opposite the father's place of business, for his iron will to THE HEIRESS. 27 yield, so that a few tears and promises would induce him to unlock his coffers and surrender the expected fortune ; behold, an unpaid tailor's bill was presented for adjust- ment, upon which Anderson decamped, leaving wife, for- tune, unpaid tailor's bill, and all. The potent influence of money, in this most important of all life's chances and changes, is by no means confined to the sordid and immoral ; and hence, it is a common re- mark that a person has married well, when they marry rich, whether there is any real union of feeling and cha- racter or not. Led away by the undue activity of Acquis- itiveness and Approbativeness, a person literally marries a farm and takes its possessor as an appurtenance, and often, even, as an incumbrance. A very sensible lady who was rich, once observed in my presence, that she feared to marry, lest money : and not herself, should prove to have been the object of ad- miration; and, said she, "as I value happiness more than wealth, I often wish that I was poor, so that my hand would be sought, if sought at all, for myself alone." The following incident illustrates Mammon courtship, and fur- nishes a touch-stone to test the sincerity of suitors. A young and beautiful heiress of England, had many suitors. Above all others she preferred William English and Henry Sanders, neither of whom was rich, and to whom her fortune would be a valuable acquisition. She feared that her wealth might, after all, be the main object of their regard, and as neither had declared himself, and as she thought, only waited for the proper encouragement so to do ; she resolved on an expedient to test their honesty and fidelity. She caused it to be reported that the prin- cipal heir to her deceased uncle's estate was not dead, as it had been supposed, but had been in captivity among the Arabs, and was soon expected to return and take pos- session of his estate. She accordingly quitted the prem- isesj laid aside her jewels, assumed a plain style of dress, 28 RIDICULOUS MARRIAGES. and retired to a small cottage, retaining but a single ser- vant, and her whole appearance bespoke her limited pat- rimony. Her two lovers called on her as usual, for a few weeks; but the visits of English soon became '-few and far between/' and finally, were suspended altogether. On the contrary, Sanders came more frequently, and tarried longer, and on one of these occasions said to her, "now that you are poor like myself, I may venture to address you on a subject, respecting which, had you remained rich, my lips would forever have remained hermetically sealed. If you will consent to be mine, my best endeavors shall prove to you, that I am not unworthy of your hand and heart. I am not rich, but with my small property, and assiduous effort, I trust I can maintain you respectably." The day was set for the nuptials, and English was invited to accompany the parties to the house of a friend, where the ceremony was to take place; when, behold! the car- riage halted before her former mansion, and she was found still the owner and mistress of the whole. William Eng- lish cursed his stars and cut their acquaintance; while Henry Sanders, no less surprised than his late rival, ob- tained a wife and fortune, every way worthy of so noble a spirit. Money-made matches are often ridiculous in the ex- treme. When I see a poor young man of twenty-one, marry a wealthy maid or widow of fifty or even sixty years of age, whose face time has plowed and cross- plowed with the furrows of antiquity; or, a beautiful miss, of eighteen, legally united, (for it can hardly be called marriage,) to a purse-proud millionaire, over whose head the whitening frosts of three score winters have left their impress, T think they marry for love — of money. I was lecturing in Delaware in 1840, and was invited to visit a neighborhood in which no hotel was kept, and during my stay, accepted the proffered hospitalities of a wealthy gentleman's house. He was thirty-one, and his CUPID UNMASKED. 29 ivife was sixty-six years of age. Being a little curious to learn something of the history of such an union, I went to the barn where several slaves were at work, and carelessly remarked to them, that their young master's father must have been very rich, to have left his son so fine an estate. They replied, "Ah! mister, we don't know nossen bout massa's fader. Dis farm and every ting here, was de wid- der's. Young massa, he Yankee school master from York, and had 'nt got nossen at all. He board here in de winter when he keep school, and in de spring, he marry de widder." Before leaving the place, the gentleman wished me to examine his head, which I did, very carefully, and he asked many questions respecting his probable con- duct under various circumstances in the past, and he ap- peared to think that if phrenology could unriddle so clearly the past, perhaps it might lift the veil which hides the future, and he ventured the following question: " Can you tell me, sir, 'whether I shall outlive my wife?" I then thought I had discovered the real secret of what I had before suspected, viz., he had married the houses and lands, encumbered, as it were, with a life lease, and was anxiously waiting to have it expire by limitation. If such marriages are the work of Cupid, he must, in truth, be, what he has always been represented, a blind god; for surely, if he were blessed with sight and sense, he would not thus violate every dictate of propriety, and every law of nature. But, Cupid's darts, when tipped with gold, and plumed with vanity and ambition, make some strange flights. We have yet to learn, that love is a blind passion, which was not designed to use the eye of reason and moral sentiment to chasten its flight and direct its course. Poets and novelists may talk of blindly "falling in love" of being overwhelmingly and irretrievably " smitten" at first sight, &c., but who will believe that nature designed man to be a slave to the faculties of Amativeness, Adhe- 3* 30 CANDOR IN COURTSHIP. siveness and Ideality, alone? Phrenology is destined to strip the mask from Cupid's eyes, and teach him to retain his arrows in his quiver, and listen to the voice of judg- ment and the moral sense, till parties are found possessing the requisite mental characteristics to constitute a happy union. This, we are aware, would eclipse the "tender sentiment" of much of its romance; but, it would serve to prevent, in the connubial state, much of that painful ro- mance in real life, which, like the serpent in Eden, has so often invaded the sacred precincts of the hymenial altar. A certain writer has very well said, " girls, when you see a young man, who would take a wife for the value of Jierself; for the beauties of her mind, purity of heart — and not for the dazzle of wealth; that man will make a good husband, and years will but serve to strengthen his attachment. When you see a young man who is tender and affectionate, and endowed with a happy intellect and energy of character, no matter what his circumstances in life are, he is really worth winning. Take him who can, girls, for he will make a good husband." We have said that there is a great want of candor and honesty in modern courtship, and endeavored to show how some of these deceptions are practiced. As a sample of ancient customs, I beg to refer to the courtship and mar- riage of Isaac and Rebecca, recorded in Genesis 24th; the constancy and fidelity of Jacob to Rachel, Genesis 29th; and the candor and artlessness of Ruth, recorded in the book of Ruth. These are samples, dictated by Him who instituted marriage, the spirit of which — open-hearted honesty — should be practiced at the present day. The lady, or gentleman, who breathes the simple truth from nature's purest fountain, in bursts of unstudied eloquence, will exert a magic power over the beloved object, and drive the fawning sycophant and the gay coquette from the field. With such matches, when two kindred spirits PHRENOLOGY THE TRUE GUIDE. 31 meet, years only add strength and lasting value to affec- tion, and earth is rendered a flowery pathway to heaven. And why? They are equally "yoked together," the matrimonial law is observed, and the blessings designed by God to attend this state, are realized. A more fruitful source of unhappiness does not exist in society, than the present mode of courtship and marriage. The evil has a double bearing; it not only affects the hap- piness of the contracting parties themselves, but it is transmitted to children in constitution and by example. The fountain being poisoned, all the streams send forth bitterness, and the evil is perpetuated. Parents stamp their moral image upon their children, whose minds are "like wax to receive, and like marble to retain." If none but well assorted marriages were contracted for an hun- dred years to come, we have no doubt but the genera- tion then existing on the earth will have been improved, at least an hundred per cent., in intellect, in morals, and in physical constitution. Mr. Combe very justly remarks, " until phrenology was discovered, no natural index to the character, that could be safely relied on, was possessed, and each individual, in directing his conduct, was left to the guidance of his own sagacity. Men suffered from unsuitable alliances, and will continue to do so till they avail themselves of the means of judging, afforded by phrenology, and act in ac- cordance with its dictates. Persons uniting in marriage, whose tempers, talents, and dispositions do not harmonize, is a fruitful source of unhappiness." Phrenology, opens the only direct avenue to the feel- ings, and the hidden under-current of passion, that give tone to the character. These, being suppressed during courtship, gather strength by confinement. As volcanic fire, long smothered in the bowels of the earth, bursts forth with redouble fury, covering whole cities with its 32 TEMPERAMENT. burning flood; so, a smiling swain, may be all kindness and condescension till the Rubicon be passed, and she is made his own, when, casting off his borrowed character, he assumes his native ferocity, causing the doating wife to " curse the day that made them one, and wish the priest speechless, who knit the knot." In forming the conjugal union, the health and constitu- tion of the parties should be critically regarded. We have no natural or moral right to perpetuate unhealthy consti- tutions. We have no right to poison the morals^ or cramp and mislead the minds of children; and we do them, and the race, a serious wrong in multiplying the number of hereditary invalids. A whole family of children, one by one, before, or as they arrive at maturity, fall before some hereditary malady into an untimely grave. With the present ignorance of the laws of physiology, these misfor- tunes are generally regarded as the inscrutable providence of God, as " severe trials/ 5 and " sore afflictions," without dreaming of the true cause which produced them. That " a corrupt" or unhealthy "tree cannot bring forth good fruit," is a law of nature, and is as true, relative to animal, as it is to vegetable health. On examination, it will be found that one or both of such unfortunate parents are predisposed to pulmonary consumption or some kindred disease, and their children inherit it, and with it an early grave. Good health may be present, yet characterized by a temperament which is unfavorable to physical or mental vigor. For the benefit of the rising generation, a knowl- edge of, and due regard to temperament should be pos- sessed and exercised in the choice of companions. Bil- ious, nervous and sanguine, in about equal proportions, are most favorable to the physical and mental constitution, giving activity, excitability and endurance. The tem- peraments are often very unequally developed. A man LONGEVITY. 33 with a strongly marked bilious temperament, which is known by dark, coarse hair and skin, muscular frame, and firm flesh, should choose a wife having a predominance of the sanguine and nervous — with light hair and eyes, fair complexion, &c; and, vice versa. These constitutions, collectively, possess durability and power, excitability and activity. It is preferable for each of the parties to possess this mixture of temperament; but when this is not the case, it should be supplied, and the balance produced as above described. Those who have attended our course of lectures on the phrenological and physiological nature of man, or have read in our "Guide to Phrenology," the chapter on the " Tem- peraments and Physical Education," will require nothing further on this subject here, to enable them to feel the importance of this branch of the subject, and, I trust, to lead them to judge and practice aright. " The reason," says Mr. Combe, " why great men sel- dom have a son who fills the measure of the father's glory, is, that they have united themselves to a woman of low temperament, in whose inert nature, the native fire of the father's character is extinguished." But it is when two favorable temperaments are united in the parents, with large heads, great moral and reason- ing organs, and a due regard paid to the laws of health, and mental and physical exercise, that giant minds have been produced. Hon. John Quincy Adams is a happy illustration of this. Of his mental powers, it is unneces- sary for me to speak, for he has spoken, and an admiring world has rendered its verdict. Both his father and mother had superior minds; were always active in liter- ary, moral and patriotic pursuits; and how far these no- ble qualities have been inherited by the son — judge ye. He now enjoys a "green old age," with the unabated en- ergy of his intellect. From what, I ask, can this arise, 34 MORAL QUALITIES OF PARTIES. but one of the best constitutions ever transmitted ? Was this constitution accidental? or was it the result of expli- cable causes ? Both of his parents went to their grave full of years and of honors; and so unabated was the in- tellect and patriotic fervor of this father, at the age of ninety-one, that, when asked for a "sentiment," (it being July fourth,) he exclaimed " Independence, Independence forever," and fell asleep in death. When such men as John Gtuincy Adams, are permitted so long to live and adorn human nature, can we question the propriety — the absolute necessity, of good physical constitutions, and high mental development in parents, with reference to the character, constitution and mental capacity of their posterity ? "Men of genius have descended from fathers who man- ifested no ethereal qualities, but they have been the for- tunate husbands of women of excellent temperament and highly developed brain." Children resembling such a father, mainly, would have remained in obscurity, while those who partook principally of the mother's qualities, would rise to eminence ; hence, the great diversity of con- stitution and character, often seen in the same family. Proper attention being given to the constitution and temperament, if found favorable, the next thing to be ob- served, is the size and shape of the brain. If human happiness depends upon the harmonious ac- tivity of all the faculties, and if the union of feeling and character constitutes the endearing bond of friendship, phrenology — or the science by which to judge correctly of the mental qualities — cannot be disregarded in forming matrimonial alliances, without hazard to our highest earthly interest. In the first place, then, the surest dependence, is a large development of the moral organs. Nothing can atone for a want of these. Nothing can supply their deficiency. THE HEAD THE TRUE INDEX OF THE HEART. 35 A young man once reviled religion, and scouted the idea of moral obligation, in the presence of a lady whom he expected soon to marry. She raised her swimming eyes, with an expression which manifested that a struggle was going on in her soul between love and duty, and, to her eternal honor, said, "he who can speak against God and moral duty, can never be a good husband. I have sincerely loved you, but did not know your real character., From this moment we must separate. We never can be one." Suppose a woman, with a high development of the moral organs, united to a man having a head like that of Nero, or Pope Alexander, VI. The mental differences thus existing, would destroy the peace of the wife, know- ing him to be dishonest, selfish and immoral ; while he would find her too pure a spirit for congeniality with his own, and both would be rendered unhappy. While, on the other hand, what can be a more deplorable condition, than that of an intellectual, well educated, moral man, be- ing doomed, by marriage, to the society of an immoral, deceitful, jealous, narrow-minded wife? Yet such mar- riages exist in thousands of instances, but the circum- stances which lead to this consummation, are, money, per- sonal beauty, respectable connections, and the like, while the real character is not studied, and the true law of union totally disregarded. Let me here remark, that, if a person have good talents and large Secretiveness, they can appear as kind and mild as the turtle-dove, through a protracted courtship, and thus effectually conceal the bitter passions that rankle within, which the sober realities of life will be sure to develop, to the lasting regret of their hapless victim. Be not de- ceived by fair professions, and kind and benignant outward deportment; for, remember that the lips may deceive, but the head will not lie. The smile of a hypocrite, cannot 36 STEP-MOTHERS. obliterate excessive Destructiveness and Combativeness, nor supply the want of Adhesiveness, Benevolence and Conscientiousness. On the head is engraven by nature herself the germ of character, as you will assuredly find it when time and experience lays bare that character. The organ of Adhesiveness, which is the foundation of fraternal affection, should also exist in large development in both parties, to produce that durable and fervent friend- ship which is so essential to the happiness of the married. This organ is more frequently found large in the heads of women than of men — hence the remark that "woman loves and loves forever," though some unhappy exceptions to this assertion have tarnished the character of those less happily endowed with it. Irving, I think it is, says, " woman embarks her whole soul in the traffic of the affec- tions, and if wrecked in this, her case is hopeless, for it is the bankruptcy of the heart." Philoprogenitiveness should also be large in both, but woman, especially, should have the organ large, to render the care and training of children a pleasure, rather than a burden; indeed, I have rarely seen a woman with this organ small, who was a good wife, and certainly never a good mother. It has become a proverb, that, " the hand of the step- mother is cold," and hence, it is almost a matter of course that the children of a previous union and their legal mother, are expected to disagree. A woman with only an average amount of Philoprogenitiveness, may take tolera- ble care of her own children, but it requires a very large endowment of the faculty, to produce deep maternal solici- tude for the children of another. A young woman came forward for examination at a public lecture in the State ot Virginia, several years since, and nearly the first remark of the examiner was, " this lady ought never to marry a widower having children, for Philoprogenitiveness is ex- A BRUTAL STEP-MOTHER. 37 tremely small, and the propelling organs large, hence it is barely possible that she can possess the patience neces- sary to have the care of children, even though they were her own." This announcement produced a thrilling ef- fect upon the audience, for, as the sequel proved, the lady, though apparently not more than eighteen or twenty years of age, had, for more than a year, been married to a wid- ower of the first respectability, who had two children, and, said a physician who was her nearest neighbor, " I have been attracted by the heart-rending screams of the young- est child, to rush into her house, and impelled by a sense of duty to take the little sufferer, by force, from her hands, for I feared she would whip it to death. This I have done no less than three times within the last six months. The poor little fellow, though not more than three years old, constantly wears the marks of the whip. The older child fares no better." She was highly educated and accom- plished, possessed many personal attractions, and belonged to and moved in the first circle of society. How much bitterness of spirit might not have been prevented in all the parties, and more especially of the children, had that father understood and obeyed the dictates of phrenology, or if that public examination could have been made eighteen months before, and been as firmly believed to be correct, as the whole audience now knew it to be, to say nothing of her own convictions? A woman, with her own happiness, alone, in view, should never undertake the high duties of step-mother, unless she is conscious of possessing a very large endowment of Phi- loprogenitiveness ; as it would otherwise be impossible for her to discharge the maternal duties, without great sac- rifices of personal feeling, if it were possible to discharge them at all. Her natural repugnance to children would make such a mother unhappy, while the most tender string of the father's feelings would be attuned to tones of sor- 1 38 WARRING ELEMENTS. row, and the unhappy children left to wither as on a frigid desert. We know many very kind step-mothers, but not one of them has small Philoprogenitiveness. The remark is truly applicable to widowers, that " Combe and Cupid should be fellow-travelers, and by consulting Gall, they may avoid wormwood. 35 As the proper training and education of the infant mind is one of the most important duties of life, and as no per- son can discharge that high trust as well as the mother, it follows, that all mothers should be well educated them- selves, to be qualified for the duty, and endowed with large Philoprogenitiveness, that the duty may be a pleas- ure. If Firmness, Destructiveness, and Combativeness are too large, the person will be likely to dispute every lit- tle point, and with large Language and moderate Secre- tiveness, want the last word in the dispute. If, unfortu- nately, this combination exists in both husband and wife, jarring and collision may be expected to arise, and "what ought to be the palace of peace and the mansion of the softer affections of our nature, becomes the theatre of war; and, ©f ; all states of hostility, that existing between hus- band and wife is the most interminable and incurable, be- cause the combatants live constantly together, and have all things in common." The subject increases in interest, when we reflect, that unfavorable mental organization, and consequent unhap- piness on the part of parents, seriously affects the dispo- sitions of children. What are we to expect from such marriages 7 Instead of benefiting the human race by the union, another brood of vipers are sent forth upon the world, to mar its peace, and contaminate whatever comes within the periphery of their influence. Unhappy mar- riages are not confined to the lower classes of society. We enter the mansions of the wealthy, the learned and A BAD BARGAIN. 39 high-born, and find pale-faced malice and green-eyed jeal- ousy scourging from domestic life all its joy, and planting the thorns of strife where the olive-branch of peace should ever wave. High intellectual power, and sparkling gen- ius, are not proof against family broils. Well-balanced minds, where all the faculties are in har- monious and well-directed action, constitute the true basis on which the temple of connubial bliss is founded. While these conditions are disregarded, happy marriages must be "like angel's visits, few and far between." But, it may be said, that " as all heads are not what they should be, and, of course, if we must reject the bad ones, there are many persons who must live single." This objection is rather favorable to phrenology than against it, even though it doom all who are unfit for marriage to single solitude. But, continues the objector, " this will produce disturbance in society, if your new science is to prescribe who are, and who are not fitted for the marriage relation." Not more disturbance will, I apprehend, be produced in society by rejecting the unworthy, than is sure to occur if they marry. But if any wish to marry those having mean heads, take them who will, and make the best you can of a miserably bad bargain. If however, you would avoid an unhappy connection with such per- sons, take phrenology for your confidential adviser, appeal to reason for her approval, and the moral sentiments for their sanction, and then, if you are less happy in marriage than you could desire, review your character, reform what is faulty in disposition and conduct, and your highest reasonable hopes shall be realized. "What," says Dr. Johnson, "can be expected, but dis- appointment and repentance, from a choice made in the im- maturity of youth, in the ardor of desire, without foresight, without inquiry after conformity of opinions, similarity of manners, rectitude of judgment, or purity of sentiment ? " 40 SCOLDING. Such is the common process of marriage. A youth and maiden meeting by chance, or brought together by arti- fice, exchange glances, reciprocate civilities, go home and dream of each other. Having nothing to divert attention, or diversify thought, they find themselves uneasy when they are apart, and therefore conclude that they shall be happy together. They marry, and discover, what noth- ing but voluntary blindness had concealed; they wear out life in altercations, and charge nature with cruelty." The excessive activity of Combativeness, arising to a flame or a tempest without control, and exhibiting a petu- lant, fault-finding, scolding disposition, is one of the most prolific and common sources of matrimonial unhappiness. It creates a chilling atmosphere in the garden of the affec- tions, which is no less sure to nip every tender plant that opens its blooming petals to the genial rays of the orb of conjugal love, than is the vernal frost which lays in ruins the beauty of nature, and spreads gloom and famine in its desolating track. Much has been said and written on the subject of scolding men and women, and various have been the hu- morous methods proposed for the cure of this troublesome disease. But phrenology affords the best explanation of its cause and proper remedy, with which its unhappy vic- tims have ever been favored. There are some who claim it as a virtue in themselves to pour out the vials of their wrath on every offender; and if they are irritated by their work, or are suffering from corns, rheumatism, or teeth- ache, or have received any real or imaginary insult or injury from any one, the whole family, dog and all, alike the innocent and the guilty, must suffer their scathing maledictions. A woman of my acquaintance, who is naturally kind and affectionate, when her Combativeness is at rest, yet who is one of the class above named, often says of herself, " I think it i? the hrst way to spit it right out, and not har- ANECDOTE. CROOKED WOOD. 41 bor hard feelings as many do." She, and many others, appear to think, that their whole mental nature is aroused when they are angry, and do not suspect that they are under the flaming dominion of, perhaps, a single faculty, Why not, on the same principle, submit to the tyrannical sway of any other animal propensity? What horrid abuse of one's powers, to yield to the unrestrained indul- gence of Alimentiveness, and become a gormand or a drunkard; or to Acquisitiveness, and become a thief, or a Shylock ; or to Amativeness, and curse the race by licen- tious impurity 1 It is often urged by some persons, that £ *a woman who cannot scold is good for nothing." No good phrenologist, or any other person who understands the philosophy of the mental constitution, ever uttered such an assertion. It is true, that all who are vigorous and highly energetic in the discharge of their varied duties, have an energetic temperament, and strong propelling organs; but it does not necessarily follow that they must abuse these natu- rally excellent qualities in the form of scolding. A dis- tinction between the normal exercise of the mental powers, and their abuse, should never be lost sight of. W r e agree that a man or woman, destitute of those organs which are abused in scolding, would be i: good for nothing," in any capacity requiring strength of character ; but we have yet to learn that they are the more desirable for employing such a questionable method to develop their "good" qualities. We will not say that any who have the scolding pro- pensity are absolutely incurable, hut we know some very obstinate cases. We also know some persons, who have such a happy mental organization that they never in- dulge a petulant spirit. An anecdote will illustrate these cases. Two thriving farmers, A. and B., lived near neighbors, whose wives were patterns of energy, industry, frugality, 4* 42 PHILOSOPHY OF SCOLDING. neatness, &c. Each had been married about fifteen years, and the wife of A. proved to be a perfect terma- gant, while that of B. had not spoken petulantly since her marriage. These men were one day in the midst of an interesting conversation, when the dinner-horn from the house of Mr. A. was sounded, and he said to B., "I must go at once, or my wife will give me such a lecture." c; I really wish," replied B., " that I could hear my wife scold as yours does, for Hve minutes, just to see how it would sound, for she has never uttered a crooked word since our marriage." " O !" said A., with a sigh, " get for your wife a load of crooked wood, and you will hear it, I warrant you, for nothing makes my wife rave equal to that." Far- mer B. kept his own counsel, and when he went to the forest to prepare his year's supply of wood, he was care- ful to cut every crooked stick on each side of the curve, so as to preserve it entire, and to throw all such sticks in a separate pile, subject to his order. When his old stock of wood was consumed, he collected an entire load of these crooked sticks and deposited them at his door, and said nothing. When he came to dinner the next day, he ex- pected the verification of the prophecy; but the meal, as usual, was well cooked and in good time, and his wife came to the board with her usual beneficent smile, and said nothing relative to the wood. As the wood wasted away, his curiosity and anxiety increased, till his wife one day said to him, " husband, our wood is nearly exhausted, and i[ you have any more like the last you brought me, I wish you would get it, for it is the best I ever had, it fits around the pots and kettles so nicely." This unhappy propensity of scolding; this habitual un- evenness of temper, produces the most unhappy effects upon all concerned. It not only embitters the conjugal state, but the temper and disposition of children and do- mestics, are rendered sour, depraved and malignant. It CURE FOR SCOLDING. 43 is of great importance to cultivate in children, habits of moderation, forbearance, and sweetness of temper, and a conciliatory and courteous bearing in their entire social intercourse. A fretful scolding mother usually endows her daughters with the same tendencies, and a morose and fault-finding father, transmits alike his temper and spirit by hereditary influence, or the second nature of ex- ample and habit. When I see a little girl scold and whip her doll, I know that it is only an echo of her mother's do- mestic management. Self-control and self-culture, are highly important and possible achievements. But I have dwelt long enough on the dark side of the picture, upon the ills and evils of unhappy marriages, and endeavored to show that the cause exists in ill-assorted matches, and in the mental antagonism of those united. Do you now ask ' ; is there no antidote for this vital evil?" I gladly answer, yes. To those who are married, I would beg leave to say, study your own weaknesses, and guard against them. If you have faults which annoy you and poison your domestic peace, phrenology tells you what they are, and how to correct them. Endeavor to adapt yourselves to each other by studying your respective tastes and dispositions, so that one class of faculties shall not arise in unhappy opposition to any other class. If anger is a ci besetting sin," it may be greatly modified by exciting the higher sentiments and intellect, with the social feelings, thereby silencing, as much as possible, the angry passions, by suf- fering them, through idleness, to become weak and inac- tive. If your wife speaks unkindly to you, either make no reply, or give her ' : a soft answer which turneth away wrath." But why does it have this effect ? Because a direct appeal is thus made to the faculties of Benevolence and Adhesiveness, and they silence Combativeness, or any 44 THE GOOD WIFE. other opposing faculty. Follow up this course with Com- bativeness, and the little usurper will be weakened and controlled, if not vanquished. Does your husband seem unkind, rude and hasty, or do his words fall from his lips with an unwonted coldness ? Let your Cautiousness, Conscientiousness and Benevo- lence, guard you against a like reply. There may be some cause for his ruffled temper, (but no just excuse for venting it upon his wife) of which you are not in- formed, and instead of fanning the flame of his passion, you should soothe it to silence by speaking directly to his Benevolence, in its own angelic language ; and by this act, though loved before, you become dearer to him than ever. Perhaps some reverse in his business, in which you are equally interested, has ruffled his mind, and he, to spare you the pain of its disclosure, keeps the fact locked up in his own mind. A servant may have irritated him, a cus- tomer insulted, or a friend abused him. He has racked his brain and wearied his body during the day, for your comfort, and returns from his struggle with fortune and a selfish world, perplexed and weary, to find quiet and re- pose. Under such a state of mind, he is ill prepared to receive any thing but kindness, and you should strive to make home to him the dearest place on earth. If he is generally kind, you should pardon his occasional delin- quencies, and try, by your own uniform tenderness, to alle- viate his cares and correct his faults. If either wish to give reproof, let it be administered with all gentleness ; at a time, too, when the moral sentiments and intellect, in both parties, are in a state of activity. At such a time reproof is well received and highly valua- ble. It has been very wisely said, "when angry, count ten before speaking: if very angry, an hundred." And why? It gives Combativeness time to cool. How soothing to the care-worn man, as he returns from WOMAN ELEVATED. 45 his daily business, to see the blazing hearth, the tidy- apartments, the inviting repast, a smiling wife and happy children. Worthy the woman who orders well her house, and happy the man who calls her, wife; "her children arise up and call her blessed." To those who are unmarried, permit me to say: first of all, look for a high moral development, with sufficient Cautiousness and Secretiveness to give prudence and cir- cumspection. Next, a good intellect; for, aside from its practical importance in all the business of life, the time will come, and we hope speedily, when all mankind shall be honored and respected, mainly, for their intellectual and moral qualities, which are a treasure that the wealth of India is too poor to purchase, and of which, the withering simoon of adversity, or terrific death itself, cannot rob us. The social organs should also be large in both, that each may understand and feel willing to practice the appro- priate duties which pertain to the endearing relation of husband and wife. The soul of domestic felicity depends, in a high degree, upon the character of woman. As well may we look for spring and summer without their sunshine and showers, as to expect a truly happy family, without the full devel- opment of those affectionate and delicate sensibilities, which make up the crowning glory of the female charac- ter — not as we sometimes find it — but, as it should be; as proper development will make it. What is it that constitutes woman's love, the pervad- ing, governing principle of her soul ? Why is it that wo- man's heart, in its natural and proper sphere, is the foun- tain of never-changing affection ; "the well of refreshment in the desert; the rose that blooms unfading under the sunshine of one beloved eye ; the voice that rises in a con- tinued strain of melody, above the discord of the world ; the bird of beauty, whose faithful wing is never folded, save in its own favored nest: the pure unsullied stream, 46 WOMAN ELEVATED. offering* sweetness and balm on every bosom it meets, but reserving the full tide of its gladness for one ?" I answer, the moral and social t organs impart these holy impulses, which nothing but a defective education and example can counteract. Then cripple not her energies. Give her the cultiva- tion that her character and talents demand; that her station as a mother requires. Regard her, not as the drudge, but as the equal, of man. Let the native genius of her charac- ter be assisted in its aspirations, and her influence in so- ciety will become the great main-spring of virtue. But where woman is considered as destitute of a soul, as the proper slave of man, and unworthy of confidence and companionship; there the domestic affections are not cul- tivated; despotism or barbarous customs prevail, and the poisonous influence is apparent in all their institutions. Such tribes, or nations, may be powerful, but cruelty and blood marks the withering influence of such power; kind- ness and peace find a grave, and the thirsty earth is often saturated with the warm, gurgling current of human life. On the contrary, in those countries where marriage is most universal, and the matrimonial law, as dictated by the Au- thor of our being, most rigorously regarded, there are the rights of woman most respected, her moral and intellec- tual character elevated, and the refining influence of 'her nature stamped upon the happiness of states and empires. Thus it will be seen, that the well-being of society, the happiness and prosperity of the world, depend on the ele- vation of the female character. Give her, then, a substantial and solid education; teach her that she should exert other and nobler influence in so- ciety than the mere glitter of fashion; that her virtues, which charm and win the soul, should not be like the blushing rose, that blooms for a day and is seen no more ; but like the medicinal plant, which, long after its rainbow- tint of beauty has departed, retains all its healing virtues. FELICITY THE RESULT OF OBEDIENCE. 47 This, then, is the excellence of woman's nature, and her strong moral and social affections struggle for the high elevation. Do gentlemen desire such women for compan- ions ? Let them cultivate a character which shall be wor- thy of such exalted companionship. Admire nothing in woman's character but that which savors of virtue, and you will thus call into activity the purest feelings of her nature, by thus making a demand for them, and woman will then become, what she was designed to be, the orna- ment of the world. The qualities you should seek, are not of that showy character which struts forth to promiscuous admiration, but is modest and retiring, and seeks to bestow its melting influence on the happy domestic circle. Choose her as you would an article of apparel — for qualities that wear well; for her correct taste, amiable disposition, energy of character, heroic moral virtue — not "for her perfect form, her sparkling eyes, or her silken tresses, whether they fall in flowing masses over a marble brow, or glitter in the sunbeam like threads of waving gold." These charms aibne are of little value. A short period of disease, or a few years of time, may rob her of all these, but personal charms, when accompanied with the beauties of the mind, are "like apples of gold in pictures of silver." The sketches above drawn, may be supposed too highly colored and too broadly lined, but I appeal to facts for proof, that those of both sexes have lived, who stood on such a summit of virtue, that, when they had ceased to adorn and bless the world, have melted away into heaven. The full development and harmonious action of all the fac- ulties, sweetened by the mild influence of religion, has pro- duced all this, and will as often effect it as the conditions are regarded. Do not be discouraged, if you are conscious of being below this elevated standard; but strive for the highest excellence, and success shall crown your efforts. Then will the married state be a blessing to those who 48 HUMAN PERFECTION AND HAPPINESS. enter it; then will the world cease to deserve the name of " a vale of tears." O ! when shall the blissful period arrive, that mankind shall be guided by the nobler sentiments of the soul in the choice of companions, and in all the social and domestic relations ? When shall the rising generations, which are to wield the moral and political destinies of the world, fall into the hands of those who shall train them for their families, their country, and for heaven ? When man shall study his own nature, and become acquainted with the laws of his being, and exert his powers to live in obedi- ence to them, then, and not till then, will the highest emi- nence of human excellence be attained. The progress to this exalted station may be slow, but the light shed abroad by phrenology, will become the handmaid of reason and religion, and each generation, by proper cultivation, standing on a still higher platform than the past, will finally gain the highest possible elevation of intelligence and morality; then shall man, after having struggled in darkness and error for many centuries, " re- gain an Eden lost," and bask in the sunshine of peace, till transplanted to the paradise of God. "♦ ALPHABETICAL LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY FOWLERS AND WELLS, NO. lU NASSAU ST., NEW YORK. American Phrenological Journal and Miscellany. Circulation, 20,000 copies. 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