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Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH M APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes. 6 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act: 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; 1}^ hours 24 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. MATRIMONIAL TIFF 3farce in ®ne Bet (Adapted from the German) BY HAROLD SANDER Copyright, 1914, bt DICK & FITZGERALD NEW YORK DICK & FITZGEKALD 18 Ann Street ^ ^n o-^' A MATRIMONIAL TIFF. CHARACTERS. Uncle John Elsie's uncle Henry The husband Elsie The wife Time. — The present. Locality. — Any City. Time of Representation. — One hour. COSTUMES. Costumes of to-day. Elsie wears apron at rise. STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; d. c, door in center of rear flat ; l. d., door at left, r. d., door at right Up means toward rear of stage; down, towards footlights. TMP96-00O635 JUL -7 1914 g)C!.D 37481 A MATRIMONIAL TIFF. SCENE. — Neatly furnished room ivith doors c. of rear flat, r, to hall, and l. to kitchen. Window e. Armchair r. at window. Table r. on which there are newspapers. Table l. witJi books, sewing material, ladies handkerchief, pepper and salt cellars, basket ivith knives and forks, soup-ladle, spoons, also wine and water bottles, and bread. Dinner table c. with plates, napkins, glasses, and spoons. Soup-tureen and meat dish off stage. Three chairs placed about table c. DISCOVERED uncle sitting at window reading paper. ENTER Elsie l. d. Elsie (talking toward kitchen). No, no, Fredericka, stay in the kitchen. I will set the table. Do not put too much salt in the soup, and be very careful that the meat does not burn. (To UNCLE as she sets the table) You must excuse me, my dear uncle, for leaving you alone all this time, but you see a house- keeper has so much to do. Uncle (rises and puts aivay paper). You didn't think Elsie. That I would find housekeeping so difficult, were you going to say? That's so, but I'll take pleasure in overcoming these difficulties. I am the happiest woman in the world, my husband loves me so dearly, he is so good and gentle — oh, the salt is missing — he will never make me unhappy, he has promised me this — and there is no pepper. Uncle (handing her the pepper and salt cellars from table l.). Here is Elsie (takes pepper and salt cellars and places them on dining table). Oh, yes, when one person must oversee every- thing, something is bound to be overlooked. I must hustle, my dear uncle, as Henry may be back from the office at any J. A Matrimonial Tiff moment and I surely cannot delay our first dinner. (Arranges napkins) Uncle. Can I Elsie. Help? Thank you, uncle, but setting a table must remain a story for men, and a duty for women — or — would you like to wear an apron? Oh, dear, I can't fold this napkin fan-shape, and I have the reputation of folding napkins per- fectly. Uncle. You have Elsie. Creased them too much already; you're right there. The more hurry, the less speed. There, now that's finished. (Takes wine and water hottle from taMe l. and places them on dining tahle) I'll place the water bottle here and the wine bottle at Henry's place. (Admiring table) Now everything is finished nicely — oh, heavens, the knives and forks are missing! (Goes to table l. for knives and forks) Uncle. Let me Elsie. Get them? Don't inconvenience yourself, uncle. (Places knives and forks on dining table) I have them al- ready. But you could do something for me, would you please cut the bread? (Uncle takes the bread) Cut the slices very thin and let Henry have the crusts, he loves them. Oh, won't my husband be happy when he sees I have done my very best to please him. Don't you think I am an attentive wife, uncle? Uncle. I haven't Elsie. Any bread-knife? Why didn't you say so? (In her confusion she hands him the soup-ladle) There, take it, and hurry so that everything will be ready when Henry comes. (Puts knife basket ba^k on small table. Uncle has the bread in one hand and soup-ladle in other, looking from one to the other, nodding) The poor man, he must be very hungry. He has been at the office since nine o'clock, and now it is almost two. Well, have you finished cutting the bread? Uncle (business as before). No, I Elsie. Why not? (Sees him with ladle, laughs) What do you want with that ladle, uncle? Going to cut the bread with it? Uncle. I got it from Elsie. From me? (Laughing) Really, how confused one gets. That's always the way when one is in a hurry. Uncle. Everything Elsie. Goes wrong. You're right. (Hands him bread- knife) Here you are, now cut the bread — then everj^thing will be ready. (Arranging table) I can be proud of this table, A Matrimonial Tiff e everything is so neat and looks so inviting. Look at tlie table, uncle, and the napkins; I hemmed every one of them. ^I wouldn't think of praising myself, but the truth is that I am the best seamstress in town. The sewing machine is my fortune, why, I am indebted to the sewing machine for my Henry. Have you finished with the bread, uncle? Uncle. Yes, here Elsie {placing the cut hrcad on table and the remainder of loaf on table l.). Thank you, uncle. There, my dear Henry, you deserve the best bread. To go back to the sewing machine. It was on account of a sewing machine that my romance with Henry started. Do you remember when Henry lived in the same house as we did, mother and I upstairs and Henry below us. Every evening precisely at seven I started to sew, at the same time Henry began his lessons. I believe he failed in the earlier examinations and of course had to study harder to make up. He passed the second examinations very easily and received a city position. Uncle. His failure Elsie. Didn't make a bit of difference, were you going to say? I know it. But Henry studied under great disadvan- tages. The noise of my sewing machine running up-stairs bothered him, and he let us know it. Mother grew very angry at this and told him to find other lodgings; but he remained and after his final examination, he received an appointment, then made a proposal of marriage to me which I accepted, so I can thank my sewing machine for my dear husband. Uncle. That Elsie. Pleases you? I know, you are very much interested in us. Oh, you cannot imagine, my dear uncle, how my hus- band loves me. As you know we have been married since yesterday and haven't had the least bit of a quarrel, that is the way things should be and will be forever. Uncle. A woman Elsie. Is the luckiest person under the sun? Of course, of course, no one knows that better than I do. And do you know, I am very glad we were married so quickly — and some of the other girls are green with jealousy. For the last three weeks nothing else could be heard but "Is that so?" "Really?" " The poor man ! " " Won't he be surprised ! " As late as day before yesterday some of them even had hopes that our engage- ment would be broken. But I will get even with them all for their jealousy. All this afternoon my husband and I will look out of the window and show the others that backwardness and 5 A Matrimonial Tiff agreeableness will triumph over jealousy and gossip. {The town clock is heard striking two) Uncle. It Elsie. Has just struck two and Henry is not here yet. He said he wouldn't be any later than half-past one, and now — the roast, and the soup — I will be inconsolable if our first dinner — I must run into the kitchen ! My dear uncle will you watch at the window and call me as soon as you see Henry coming? [EXIT L. Uncle {drawing a deep hreath). Ah — At last I can put in ENTER quickly Henry r., wearing hat and coat, with cane in hand and documents under arm. Henry. Here I am! Good-day, uncle. Where is my wife? In the kitchen? Uncle. Yes. She Henry. Has been waiting for me all this time, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get here sooner. Uncle. She Henry. Is a trifle angry? I hope not. Uncle. She has Henry. Been anxious about me? Oh, and I was anxious about her! {Calls) Elsie— Elsie! ENTER Elsie l., rushing into Henry's arms. Elsie. Henry! You are here at last, you dear, horrible man ! How could you keep me waiting so long, and on the first day of our marriage. Do you think that is right? Really, I am very angry. Henry {laughing). Oh, come, you are not going to be angry so soon, why we have been married only twenty-four hours ! Elsie {laughing).' You know very well that I never do get angry — but I must make believe I am once in a while. Henry. Oh, you villain! {Tries to embrace her, hut the cane and documents hinder him) Elsie {laughing). You can't even put your arms around me. {Takes hat in right hand, and cane in left) Let me have your hat and cane and throw down the documents, then you can embrace me. Henry. The documents? {Drops them on floor) Now I am A Matrimonial Tiff ^ free — {Looking at her hands) but now you cannot embrace me. Elsie. Indeed I can. {Puts hat on her own head and drops the cane) Now! Henby {embracing her). My dear Elsie. Elsie. My dearest Henry! (Uncle picks up the docu- ments and cane, kneeling directly in front of Elsie and Henby as they embrace) Henby {looking down at uncle). Haven't I the dearest wife? Uncle {nodding). Hm ! Elsie {looking down at uncle). Isn't my Henry the best husband? Uncle {nodding). Hm ! Elsie {laughing). Isn't this a pretty group? Henby {laughing). A scene for the Gods. Elsie. You are Mars. Henby. And you, Venus. Elsie and Henby {pointing to uncle, who is still kneeling). At our feet, Cupid. Uncle. Oh ! Elsie. No, were you going to say? You are an out and out Cupid, only just a little too old and Henry's cane is the bow. Henby. The documents represent the quiver, only the bandage is missing. Elsie {quickly takes hat off, putting it on uncle, so as to hide his eyes). There you are, Cupid is complete. Henby {to uncle). Haven't I a jolly wife? Uncle {still kneeling, sighing). Hm! Elsie {laughing). Do get up, uncle. Uncle {tries to get up but cannot). I can Elsie. Cannot get up alone? Oh, you poor uncle! Henby and Elsie {help him). Come. Uncle {sighing). It is Henby. A long time since last you knelt, yes, I'm positive of that, my dear uncle. Elsie {encouragingly). You must be rewarded for this. Henby. By my wife's first dinner. Elsie. Who knows, it may not taste good. Henby. Who could doubt that? I know you have better taste than anyone else in the neighborhood. Elsie. Really? Henby. Certainly! {Patting his chest) Didn't you marry me? Elsie. Oh, you conceited boy ! 8 A Matrimonial Tiff Henky. Come, hurry dear and serve dinner, I am dreadfully hungry. Elsie. Your own fault. Why did you stay so long? Henry. Couldn't get here sooner, my angel. Business of state, we had an extra session, so we had lots to do. Elsie. That isn't any excuse for staying so long. You should have said to the judge "My dear Judge, let us hurry and finish, I have no time to spare, my wife is waiting dinner for me." Had you said this to him in a nice way he never would have called for an unnecessary session. Henry. My dear child, the state does not bother about the personal affairs of its employees. Elsie. But the state should, especially if the people are hungry. Everybody must eat and drink, and furthermore, Henry, if my dinner is spoiled it is the state's fault and I will sue for damages. Now I will get the dinner. [EXIT l. Henry {happily). Isn't she the dear, jolly little wife! Uncle, you haven't any idea how much I love her. Anything she wants shall be done. Why do you stand there and hold my hat and cane and documents? Why don't you make your- self* comfortable, put them down. Uncle. I don't Henry. Know how to start in? Wait a moment, I will help you. {Takes hat, cane and documents from uncle and places them on table) There, now you are released from your burden. Elsie {calling outside). Open the door, open the door, the soup is coming. Henry {goes and opens door for Elsie). The soup! Uncle, the soup! Uncle {delighted). The soup! {Goes to tahle and fastens napkin in vest) ENTER Elsie l., carrying soup tureen. Elsie. Good heavens, this is hot! {Places soup tureen on table) I'll hurry to put this on the table. Henry. But, my dear, why didn't you let the maid bring it in? Elsie. Indeed! Am I not the housewife? And you know, you should enjoy your meal, so much more if I serve you. Henry. Yes, that is true. {To uncle) A dandy wife, hey? Uncle {nodding). Hm ! Elsie {taking off apron). Now be seated at the table, A Matrimonial TifE g uncle at the left, Henry at the right, and I'll sit in the mid- dle. (All sit) Henry. Yes, in the middle, the brightest diamond in the crown. Elsie (serving soup). The diamond is thankful to her crown. (Giving Henry a plate of soup) Henry (taking the plate). Thank you. Elsie. You don't feel slighted, uncle, that I serve Henry first. As head of Uncle (nodding). Hm! Henry. Heavens! Is that nudel soup? (Uncle looks long- ingly into soup tureen) Elsie. Certainly, your favorite dish. Henry. Oh, you angel! Elsie (giving uncle a plate of soup). Here, uncle. Henry. Isn't this fine? Isn't Elsie attentive? Uncle. Hm ! Henry. Nudel soup. Really you are the very best of wives. Elsie (ivho has also taken a plate of soup, laughing). Just because I made nudel soup. Henry. Honestly, not for that only. (Eating) Uncle, isn't this soup delicious? Elsie. Is it good? Henry. Excellent. You should be rewarded for this. Elsie. Even for soup? Oh, I'm so happy ! Henry. Oh, and so am I ! Elsie. Our life will be heaven on earth, won't it? Henry. Certainly ! Elsie. You will love me forever. Henry. And still longer than that. (Eating) Elsie. And will you always be true to me? Henry (looking lovingly at her). That is understood. Elsie. A quarrel will never disturb our peace. Henry. Never! Elsie (leans over table to embrace Henry, and in doing so upsets the salt cellar) My dear Henry. (Sees the salt cellar and screams) Oh, good heavens! Henry (jumps up). What is the trouble, Elsie? (uncle, frightened, rises and goes to Elsie) Elsie (shaking). That is my death. Henry (sympathetically). Don't talk like that, my dear girl. Why, you are as pale as death. Elsie (very much frightened) That — oh — my dear Henry — Qh— can't you see — the salt cellar — I upset the salt cellar. }Q A Matrimonial Tiff Henby. The salt cellar? Well, if it isn't anything more than that — (Sits at table again. Uncle repeating the words " // it isn't anything more " in pantomime^ sits at table and goes on eating) Elsie {very sad). That is enough, Henry, more than enough. Henry (lavghing). According to the way you screamed I thought a snake had bitten you. Elsie {almost crying). Laugh, you can afford to laugh. {Looking at salt cellar) There it lies — {Putting hands to head) my, how could I be so careless? Henby {coaxingly). My dear child, on account of a salt cellar. {With a knife, replaces salt) Elsie {rising). But my dear Henry, that is the worst luck that can happen to any woman. It means quarreling, you will see, and then I shall cry. Henby {laughing). Oh, nonsense, come, sit down and eat. Elsie {sitting down, very mournfully). But Henby {merrily). A salt cellar is to disturb our peace. How foolish ! Come, take it as a joke, ha, ha ! Laugh it off, ha, ha ! Elsie. Yes. {A forced laugh) Ha, ha, ha — I am laughing, but it does not come from the heart. My mother always told me that if one upsets a salt cellar, they will have a quarrel- some married life. Henby. Your mother was only joking, my dear Elsie. Elsie. No, my dear Henry, mother never joked about any- thing that was serious. Henby. Very well, we'll not talk about it any more. Come and eat, my dear. Why, your soup must be cold by this time, wait, let me replenish your plate with some that is warm. {Takes her plate) Elsie {teasing). Take care so that you also do not upset the salt cellar. Henby {merrily, as he replenishes Elsie's plate). Don't worry I'm not so clumsy. Elsie {looking at him in surprise). Clumsy! Henby {putting plate in Elsie's place). Here, my dear. Uncle {handing Henby his plate). I Henby. Would like more soup? Let me have your plate. Elsie. That is my duty. {Takes uncle's plate and refills it) I will not let you take it from me. Henby {laughing). Shall I take the salt cellar away first? Elsie. Go on, make fun of me, that is just like a man. Henby. I'm only teasing you, my dear. (During the follow- A Matrimonial Tiff H ing, he acta his part in pantomime and continues eating and re- filling his soup plate) Elsie. Very untimely. Ever since the first salt cellar was made it has been said that when a salt cellar is upset Henry. The salt falls out. Elsie (slightly angry). No, there will be a quarrel. Henry. Calm yourself, my dear, and let us eat. Elsie (sighing) Oh, yes, eat! (Takes up spoon and puts it down again) I cannot. Henry (about to put spoon to his mouth). Why not? Elsie (dejectedly). Laugh if you will, but I simply cannot forget that salt cellar. Henry (laughing). Do as I do, swallow it. Elsie. It would be perfectly dreadful, my dear Henry, If we quarreled on the first day of our married life. Henry (encouragingly). Do not fear, my angel, it could not happen. We love each other too much, there could be no quarrel between us. (Laughing) Why, a sheep couldn't have more patience than I have, and you are Elsie. A sheep! Henry. My dear little lamb. (Tries to take her hand) Elsie (draws her hand hack). Don't! (A forced laugh) I must indeed — be as meek as a lamb, because when you spoke so thoughtlessly before, I kept quiet. Henry. Perfectly quiet. Elsie. I didn't even get angry. Henry. You had no cause to. The thoughtlessness— was on my part. Come, eat, my dear — believe me, the story of the salt cellar is a joke, nothing more. Elsie (quickly). No, Henry, I object to that. It is no joke. My mother found out from experience that every time a salt cellar was upset, there would surely be a quarrel. Henry. My dear Elsie, that was only chance. Elsie (hastily). There is no such thing as chance. Every- thing is fate. Henry (gently). My dear child, stop all this nonsense, and eat. Ulste (unwillingly). Nonsense! That remark is entirely out of place, Henry. Henry. My dear, I only mean Elsie. I don't need any explanation. I am a goose, I'm too stupid for you. Henry (angrily, putting spoon down). No, Elsie, you, you are simply unbearable. j^ A Matrimonial Tiff Elsie. Unbearable! Thank you, Henry. Yes, the salt cellar! Didn't I tell you? The salt cellar? Henry {becoming excited, rises, but remains standing at table). You must keep still about that salt cellar. Elsie (jumps up, remaining standing at her place). I don't have to. Henry. But I want you to, my child. Elsie. And I won't, my angel. Henry (angrily). Didn't the minister say yesterday that I was your master? Elsie. He said nothing of the kind. I was very attentive. Henry. Then he forgot to say it. Elsie. No, it is no longer fashionable. We women want freedom, and I am not afraid even if you dictate to me in this manner. Henry. Are you the quiet, gentle Elsie? Elsie. And are you the good, gentle Henry? Henry (angrily). Yes, I am. Elsie. So am I. But my mother always said, when a salt cellar is upset Henry (very angrily, taking water bottle ivithout knowing it). Good Heavens, do you intend to destroy our happiness? My child, your mother is a superstitious woman. Elsie. She is not, my angel. Henry. A country woman. Elsie (outrageously). Indeed not. Henry. I say, yes! (Noisily thumps water bottle on table) "Elsie (screaming). Oh, oh! (Leaves table. Goes up stage) Uncle (jumps up, but remains motionless at table). Oh, you— — Henry (walking up and down in front of table). Why, it's enough to turn a lamb into a tiger. Elsie, (up stage). The salt cellar! The salt cellar! Henry (standing still). Good Heavens! I wish there never had been such things as salt or salt cellars in the whole world. (Resumes walking) Elsie (comes down stage and also walks up and down). Such conduct is unbearable. And married but yesterday. Henry. Yes, yesterday a paradise! Elsie. And to-day a hades! Henry. Yesterday, an angel ! Elsie. Yes, and to-day a devil! Henry (hands to his head). Wasn't I a blockhead! Elsie (hands to her head). Fool that I was, to be trapped A Matrimonial Tiff j^ like that. {They meet at center of stage, both remain standing) Henry {to Elsie). Serves me right. Why did I bind my- self to such a superstitious person? Elsie {to Henry). Tliese are the consequences when one marries an unrefined man. {Both resume tcalking) Henry. Oh ! You do not know what you are saying, madam. Elsie. You'll never learn the manners of refinement in living, Mr. Government Clerk ! Henry {follotving Elsie). You are Elsie {turning quickly). No, but that's what you are. Henry. You are a Elsie. And you are a Nero ! Henry. And who forced me to be one? Elsie. And me? Henry and Elsie. You, and you alone, you! Henry {coming forward angrily, to audience). I ask every man in the world, every married man, every bachelor, every old man, and every young man whether I have not been forced to this quarrel? Didn't I listen to everything patiently? But it is impossible to keep still when a burning match is continually stuck under one's nose. Elsie {also coming forivard, quickly and angrily). And 1 ask all the women, girls, widows and orphans if I am not the gentlest, friendliest, most backward and quietest among wo- men? {Addresses the ladies in the audience) You have heard everything and you are the best witnesses. Answer for your- selves, could there be a more gentle woman than I? Didn't he anger me by talking back? Didn't he insult me? {In a cry- ing tone) And wasn't I perfectly quiet? Didn't I swallow everything? Can I help it if we quarrel after a salt cellar has been upset Henry {very loud). I want to hear no more of this salt cellar. {Stamping foot) Thunder! Elsie {screams, goes l.). Oh, this is my death! {Sinks in chair) I am dying Henry {sinks also in another chair). And I am dead. Elsie {sitting upright). You brute! {Sinks hack) Henry {sitting upright). You tyrant! {Sinks back) Pause. Uncle {who has stood in astonishment and loatched both, comes down c, looking at Henry and Elsie). A blessed meal! [EXIT L. J . A Matrimonial TifP Elsie (softly). A blessed meal! Henry (aside). A blessed meal! (Moving about in chair) Such a scene! But such things can only happen to me, a government clerk. Oh, madam, you have torn your mask off too soon! I can see now that yoii have been acting. (Rises) How can a man be sure of a woman? Oh, I could jump out of my skin! (Goes to window and looks out) Elsie. It would be useless to argue with you any more. I can't repeat all your tender speeches, I'm only a weak woman. (Between sohs) I never expected such treatment from you. But that's what happens when anybody trusts a man blindly. Men are all monsters. (Sobbing louder) When they are courting, they promise everything — promise to make life a par — paradise — no cloud is to darken life — and then — right after the wedding — all that remains of the paradise — is the snake — the least trifle will cause him to lose his temper — and when a salt cellar is upset Henry. Salt cellar! (In his annoyance he begins to sing and beats time on the ivindow-pane) Elsie. Oh, yes, sing — keep on singing, while I weep bitter tears. (Crying) You are a brute — you have betrayed me — a poor innocent lamb — Oh, God ! I can stand it no longer. (Sinks with elboivs on table and covers face with hands and handkerchief, crying) Pause. Henry (remains at window, but keeps on looking back at Elsie). She is crying — and crying hard — perhaps I have done wrong. (Takes a step toward Elsie) I suppose I have been harsh — no, not at all — I will remain firm — I have nothing to regret. (Sits in armchair at windoiv) Who could have thought it? I was so happy when I came home — and the nudel soup — and everything else harmonized — and now? (Drops head in hands, thinking) Elsie (raising her head, looking at Henry). He seems to be thinking — perhaps he sees his mistake Henry (looking toward Elsie). I will Elsie (quickly lowering head and crying). Oh, Heavens! Oh, Heavens ! Henry. Her crying is heartbreaking. Elsie (slyly looking back and forth at Henry without his noting it, then loud enough for Henry to hear). Oh, now I suppose I'll be getting a headache. Henry (rising). Headache? All right. (Sits again in A Matrimonial Tiff je chair) I can't give in. If I give in the first time, I'll have to do it all my life. (Looks totcard windoiv) Elsie (aside). Is he hard of heating? (Looks slyly at Henry) He is thinking — perhaps he is sorry that he annoyed me — perhaps I had better — (Turns around quickly) But no, never, I must not be so weak, if I give in, I know he will al- ways want me to give in. Henry (looking slyly at Elsie). If she doesn't come, I cer- tainly won't go to her. Elsie (looking slyly at Henry). If he remains seated, I cer- tainly won't get up. Henry (thumping on windoiv-sill) . I can't give in, I must show that I am a man. Elsie (thumping on tahle). I can stay here, I must show that I am the lady of the house. (Sobbing loudly) Oh — oh! Henry. I must overcome this music — I guess I'll read. (Takes newspaper. Aloud) politics, that will suit me. (Holds up paper in both hands and reads) — Elsie (looking toward Henry). I do believe he is going to read. Oh, I can do that, too. (Takes book from table) Henry (reading). Foreign and local news. Elsie (reading). Extracts from famous authors. Henry (turning toward Elsie). Really, she is not coming. (Turns back) Elsie (turning toward Henry). Honestly, he is remaining seated. (Turns back) Henry (reading aloud). "David Goldstein has been elected president of the bank." Elsie (reading aloud). "Everything can be purchased, ex- cept true love." Henry. " Manager Johnson has made a great success in his new play." Elsie. " Memory is the only paradise out of which we can- not be driven." Henry. " Germany " Flsbe (reads poetry) Henry. " Two more editors have been arrested." Elsie (reads poetry) Henry. "The law firm of Ketcham and Cheatham has been dissolved. The proprietors have gone abroad." Elsie (again reads poetry) Henry. If the house passes the bill— (Aside) If they put more duty on — (Throwing down paper) Enough of this! Elsie (putting book aivay). I don't care to read any. more. i6 A Matrimonial Tiff Henry (sigJiing loudly). Oh! (Turning to Elsie) What? Elsie (turning toivard Heney). How? Elsie and Henry (hoth looking aumy). Nothing! Henry (aside). She is looking around Elsie (aside). He seems to want to give in. Henry (aside). Now I guess she is coming over. Elsie (aside). Now he will probably iall at my feet and admit that he is wrong. Pause. Elsie (sneezing). Atchi! Henry (softly) God bless you. Elsie (snappy). Thank you. Henry (aside). If she would only give me one friendly glance I would give in right away. Elsie (aside). If he would only say one kind word to me, I would be willing to make up. Henry (aside). She seems to be very stubborn. Elsie (aside). He seems to be thick-headed through and through. Henby and Elsie. Can't we be mistaken in people? Pause. Henry (turns completely around and faces Elsie). Yes, yes. Elsie (looks at Henry). Ah, ha, at last he will begin. (Turns quickly from him) Henry. She looked at me. (Elsie goes to window, looks out, and nods. Henry remains seated Mt stretches to see to whom Elsie nodded) Well, what is it? Elsie. Nothing, nothing at all. Henry. But you nodded, you were greeting some one. Elsie (lightly). Yes, I saw Mr. Brand passing. Henry (getting up quickly). The boarder? Elsie. Of course. He bowed and I had to return it. Henry. I object to that. Elsie. You may, if you care to. Henry. It isn't necessary for you to greet everybody. It reflects on a young woman. (Elsie turns around facing Henry) Elsie. Elsie (tvhispering) . Well? Henry. Don't you think we are acting very childishly? Elsie. I'm not. Henry (tenderly and slowly). Come to me. A Matrimonial Tiff ^^ Elsie. Oh, no, you come to me. Henky. But I didn't start Elsie (quickly). Neither did I. The salt Henry. I beg you not to fall into the salt cellar again. Come Elsie. No. Henry. Do. Just one step. I cannot. Elsie. I can do it still less. It is the man's place to set the woman a good example. Henry. Well, then we will each go half way. Elsie. I have no objections to anything that is fair. (Both walk to center of stage and face each other. Henry tries to take Elsie's hand, lut she draws it lack) Henry (tenderly). Elsie. Elsie (ivithout taking notice). What is it? Henry. Only look at me. Elsie (looking up at him). Well? Henry. Not so seriously, can't you smile, just the least little bit? (Taking her hand) There, you are laughing already. Elsie (laughing, taking his hand). You are a fool. Henry. And you are my dear, dear little fool. (Kneels at her feet) Elsie (satisfied). That is right, my dear Henry, that you should admit your wrong and get on your knees and beg my pardon. Henry (surprised). Admit my wrong? Elsie (offering him her hand). I forgive you. Henry. You forgive me? Elsie. From the bottom of my heart ! Henry. You are very kind. (Kissing her hand) But my dear wife, will you please tell me of what I am guilty. Elsie. No, no, my dear Henry, you are not. I only said that when a salt Henry. Enough, enough. You are right, I am the guilty one. (Aside to audience) Gentlemen, I am only a man like the rest of you. (Aloud to Elsie) And now are you satisfied? Elsie. Perfectly! (Aside to audience) Ladies, I am only a woman like all of you ! Henry. And everything is forgiven and forgotten? Elsie. Everything. Henry (embracing Elsie). Victory! Then everything is as before, my dear, and we will never quarrel again. Elsie (tenderly). Never, never, my dear Henry. But I wasn't the cause of to-day's quarrel, the salt cellar ups jg A Matrimonial Tiflf Henry (trying to laugh). Yes, yes, I know. But tell me, dear, what has happened to your uncle? Elsie. I really don't know. Henry. It seems he has gone. Elsie. I hope he didn't hear us quarrel. Henry. Heaven forbid ! Why, we didn't speak loudly. (Henry goes to door r., Elsie to door l.) Henry and Elsie. Uncle ! Uncle ! Henry {opens door r.). He is not here. Elsie {opens door l., and looks out). There he is in the kitchen with the roast in front of him. {Calling) Come, uncle, come! Henry {crosses to l. and calls uncle). This way, uncle, this way with the roast. Everything is over {Taking Elsie by hand and skipping about) and we are happy. Elsie. Perfectly happy. My dear Henry, do me a favor and let us look out of the window together. Henry. But why, my dear? Elsie. So that all our neighbors will be surprised at our happiness. {Opens window) Come, Henry. Henry {going to luindoiv). With the greatest pleasure. {Both look out of window, talking) ENTER, Uncle, l., carrying a roast on dish. Uncle {putting dish on table). Is everything Henry {turning head toward uncle). All right again? Everything, as you see. Elsie {also looking around toivard uncle). And I must let you know, uncle, I was right. {Again looks out of window) Uncle {nodding). Hm ! Henry {to uncle). A woman is always right. Uncle. Hm ! But what are you do Elsie {both are now standing at icindow). Doing at the window? Why, we are letting the neighbors see how perfectly happy we are. Uncle. Oh, I see — {Qoes quickly forward to center of stage) Thank goodness! Then at last I may be able to put in a few words, and — {Quick curtain, so that uncle's sentence is cut short) A DOCTOR BY COURTESY A Farce in Three Acts, by Ullie Akerstrom PRICE 25 CENTS CHARACTERS Dr. Jos. Sly, a physician ( ?) Light Comedy Henri Duval, a French merchant Character Chas. Jenkins, Sly's father-in-law ..Comedy old man Freddie West, a dude Character Michael, a hallboy Irish character Policeman, one of the finest. Florette Duval, Duval's Wife Lead Emily Sly, Sly's Wife juvenile Martha Jenkins, Jenkins's wife Old woman Ida Gaygirl, of the ballet Soubrette Gretchen, Florette's maid servant Character Two Interior Scenes. — Time of Representation — Two hours. SYNOPSIS Act I. — Sitting-room in Sly's office. Mr. Jenkins resorts to heroitf measures to boom his son-in-law's medical practice. Two women prepare S trap. Old associates draw Sly into folly. Clouds begin to gather. Act II. — Room in the house of Monsieur Duval. Florette's physiciaif (by proxy) arrives. A startling prescription. Matters become worse and worse. A jealous husband and three doctors (?). Act III. — Same as Act I. The "green-eyed monster" appears in the Sly family. The story of a scratched face and a shower-bath. Explana' tions restore harmony, and Dr. (?) Sly retires from active work. COLLEGE CHUMS A COMEDY OF COLLEGE LIFE IN THREE ACTS. BY ANTHONY E. WILLS PRICE 25 CENTS A realistic sketch of College life and its influence. Wallace, an in- dolent aimless young man, on entering college is hazed by fellow collegiates, led on by Thorne, the bully of his class. He turns on the bully and thrashes him soundly. Out of revenge, he is so ingenrously accused of theft by the bully, that the crime appears to carry conviction. Finally the real thief exonerates him and the bully is expelled. There are some very funny passages between two opposing veterans of the war, and in the love making of a German professor. In due course the inevitable young lady comes on the scene with the usual results. A capital play, full of interest through- out. CHARACTERS Franklyn Risley, Dean of the University .Character Friederich von Weber, Professor of German Character Wallace Findlay, "The Babe" Lead Howard Thorne, "The Bully" Heavy Arthur Kingsbury, Capt. of College Team Straight Paul Dinsmore, a Sophomore Straight Clifford Paige, manager of College Team Straight John Findlay, Wallace's father Character Alec, an old colored attendant Character Mrs. Almira Dinsmore, Paul's mother Old Lady Grace Dinsmore, her daughter Lead Toby Sprague, the watchman's daughter Ingenue Oke Interior Stage-setting. — Time of Representation — Two houre. PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE A Comedy in Three Ads, hy Frank H, Bernard PRICE 25 CENTS CHARACTERS Philip Morningside, a promising New York Attorney. Major Philander Mumfo'rd, a Veteran of '6i, Pierre Marquette, of Paris and New York. Patrick Mooney, M. P., Secretary of the Home Rule Association. Feter Martin, a timid young man with a desire to be "sporty." Paul Marvel, a private detective. Phyllis Morningside, Pliilip's up-to-date wife with ambitions. Phoebe Martingale, has been a widow on four occasions. Penelope Mumford, a veritable "butter-in" at all times. Patrice Mumford, her only child. She has just "come out." Angela ) Alice V Trio of Vassar "bright lights." Amy ) Pansy, a housemaid of the "fresh" variety. Patience, who also assumes "domestic" affairs. Two Scenes, One Interior and One Exterior. Time of Representation — Two hours. Phyllis, wife of I'hilip, is to inherit the fortune of a deceased East Indian uncle, provided she marries his adopted son, who presumably is about to visit her. Being already married and most desirous of obtaining the fortune, she conceals the matter from her husband. Two men call upon her bearing introductory letters which she does not read, supposing each in turn to be the adopted son. The subterfuges she invents to account for their presence lead to many perplexing mistakes, which are finally satis- factorily arranged when it transpires that her husband is identified as the adopted son. THE RED ROSETTE, A WESTERN DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY GORDON V. .MAY PRICE 25 CENTS A typical drama of the Far West. The Major in command of a military fort advertises in New York papers for a wife, and elicits a response from a rich middle-aged lady. As a means of identification, each is to wear a red rosette. The lady arrives accompanied by her niece. The rosettes get into other hands, resulting in complications both ludicrous and serious. The niece is abducted and rescued by a young officer, a previous West Point acquaintance. The results are obvious. This play offers fine opportunities for character parts, and is replete with startling situations. CHARACTERS Major Philander Braggs, who owns one rosette Character Miss Ophelia Skidder, who owns the opposite rosette Old Lady Lieut. Philip Manley, who gets the Major's rosette Lead Clare Brooks, who gets the other rosette Lead Robert Ruth van, who gets into trouble Heavy Dandy Davis, who gets his deserts Heavy Tom Scott, Sheriff, who gets his man Straight Pop Bowley, who gets some boarders Straight Kitty Bowley, who gets Tom Scott Ingenue Three Scenes, Two Interior and One Exterior. Time of Representation — Two hours. MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH BY THE ENEMY'S HANO. 4 Acts; 2 hours iQ 4 EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 10 4 PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 2^ hours.. 10 4 CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours 9 6 ISABEIj, the pearl. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 3 BETWEEN TWO FIRES. 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(15 cents) 11 8 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. COMEDIES AN m^"'' "^ congress BREAK™GHISB0ND8. 4A /fffiH BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Ad Q J^^^^^^^ COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; i o..-f" ^03 ''■5?2'?'''y''^ | COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours / •^J DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours.. 8 6^ DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 10 DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setthag 8 4 ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 21^ hours 5 3 GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2)^ hours 5 3 IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; li^ hours 4 6 JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours G 3 JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2hours 7 4 MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 G MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 13 4 NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hours 5 4 PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours... G 9 REGULAR FLIRT. 3Acts;2hours 4 4 ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acts;2hours 5 3 SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2}^ hours G 4 STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2!^ hours 5 3 WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 21^ hours 7 4 WHITE LIE. 4Act8; 2i^ hours 4 3 WESTERN PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 214 hours. . ., 11 RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts; 2 hours G MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours ... 5 STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setthig 7 CRAAVFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 214 hours. 9 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y.