LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. « fe'^ I'MTl-l) STATl-S OF AMKRICA. \ ( J / V3 lOwtoWorj^e }res idcnt,o Ili03e ilppoiptniepte Secretary o/ State. Secretary of Treasury. Justice Supreme Court Minister to Russia. Minister to France. ' Consul to Liverpool. I Governor New Mexico. Collector Customs — Clerk. Clerk. Clerk. "Anderson " Consul ' in a 'Warm climate." R. B. leetion As EXPOl///bED BY VAf\iousP(\oxi/^E/rj lj/THESPAf\KLI//(^ r Pi^sideiItialCo/^est •"U^/bEt^THE AUSPICES OF The TALENTED Civil Service Reform Combination \ COMPILED FROM NEWSPAPERS AND OTHER EQUALLY RELIABLE SOURCES How TO Become President; OR, The New Doctrine of Election, AS EXPOUNDED EV Varioii? Pfominept Mtor? in the Sparkling Copiedy ENTITLED (( Ciphers and Returning Boards," Plafed with Great Success during the Presidential Contest in 18/fi, UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE TALENTED li Civil Service Reform Combination. _ , ^^^ Compiled prom Newspapers and other Equally Reliable Sources by "OUR MUTUAL FRIEND." 0' 'i^ o.MlL/L '^TQ ^^Q'^/y WASHINGTON, D. C: National Republican Printing and Publishing Company. 1879. 7l r ,^(a-. Copyrighted, 1879, ^y The National Republican Printing and Pcblishing Company ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. DEDICATION. TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE, AND ESPECIALLY To all aspiring statesmen small or great Whose pulses throb with fever Presidential — To politicians who so glibly prate About the freeman^ s ballot as potential — To him whose guilt, if any, was in winning The Chair Executive — exalted seat — And him who failed, if fail he did, in sinning And thought it great misfortune to be beat ; — I dedicate this book, whose only end Is to be read by all. ''OUR MUTUAL FRIEND." ]VaSHINGTON, yViARCH, 1879 Table of Contents. Act the First. Scene 1 — The candidate who has one eighty-four Takes steps to get just one elector more. Scene 2 — And he who hopes he has one eighty-five Takes steps to keep that blessed hope alive. Scene 3 — The "woman in the case " comes on the stage To play her little part with hoary age. Scene 4 — Shows how Returning Boards may be a^jproached And how a scheme to buy them should be broached. Scene 5 — Reveals how honest men should scorn a trade Unless the price agreed upon be paid. Scene 6 — Shows how a telegram from " Hampton's land " "With certain propositions, came to hand. Scene 7 — Exhibits, briefly, some few passing scenes Affecting the Returns, in Xew Orleans. Scene 8 — Concerning some one's ti-ip to Baltimore To pay that eighty thousand dollars o'er. Scene 9 — "That woman " comes again ; and now 'tis clear Why she attenipts an old man's heart to cheer. Scene 10 — Shows how the South Carolina trade was ' ' busted, ' ' And how one man, at least, became disgusted. Scene 11 — Concerning certain telegrams from Moses, Fox, Bush and Ladd, and what each one discloses. i TABLE OF CONTENTS. Scene 12 — A Quadroon ball where many statesmen rare Find relaxation from each heavy care. Scene 13 — The ciphergrams are read, and you'll agree They're scarcely dangerous without the key. Scene 14 — That "Sherman letter." Jenks. An end to trouble. "Throw out all votes for Tildeu — count ours double." Scene 15 — The colonel steals some telegrams, whUe able, He happens to see lying on a table. Scene 16 — And not forgetting what he has in hand He gives them to his sweet-heart, as 'twas planned. Act the Second. Scene 1 — Relating to the people's sov'reign will. And the Electoral Commission Bill. Scene 2 — The man who wa'n't elected gets the news That he is President, and gives his views. Scene 3 — The vote stands eight to seven, as announce d. Hayes will be counted in, and Tildeu bounced. Scene 4 — The Colonel goes to see his darling Kate And finds himself a fool — alas ! Too late. Scene 5 — The Hayes Commission visit New Orleans, And here one gets a peep behind the sce;^ s. Scene C — They visit NichoUs ; who lays down the law, And then, to do his will, they all withdraw. Scene 7 — The Packard men explain their views in brief And bring the noble statesmen's plans to grief. TABLE OF CONTENTS. 5 Scene 8— Packard accepts. The Civil Service School Will make him consul soon at Liverpool. Scene 9— "I've done your bidding, and my work's well done. I want to be a consul. Anderson." Scene 10 — Paying one's debts before it is too late, And Civil Servicing a candidate. Act the Third. Scene 1 — Investigation fails to make her tell Who signed "that letter," though she knows full well. Scene 2 — The cryptographists enter on their task Resolved the secret ciphers to unmask. Scene 3— The key is found, and Tilden's friends agree They all will suffer rather than should he. Scene 4 — An uncle drives a nephew from his door And bids him keep away for evermore. Scene 5 — Two disappointed office seekers meet, And briefly all their grievous wrongs repeat. Scene 6 — The man who ought to be the President Proves himself innocent of wrong intent. Scene 7 — And says that though his load is rather weighty, 'Twill make him President in eighteen eighty. DRAMATIS PERSONS. TiLDEN, Democrat, } Two of the greatest Reformers the world ever saw — rival Hayes, Republican, \ candidates for the Presidency. Pelton. — Xephew to the Democratic party and Tilden's Con6dential Secretary. Hewitt. — Chief Cook and Bottle-washer in the Democratic establishment. Moses. — The man with a marble heart, confidential Iriend of Tilden, and good at hanging out "danger signals." M°Ax ' Three remarkable men of business, friends of Tilden, who are exceedingly "We'ed, \ sood at ciphering. Cooper. — A reformed politician upon a reform ticket. ist, ad, 3d Members OF the South Carolina Returni.ng Board. — Three Ex- cellent Republicans who would not sell out unless they got their price. Wells, ) Members op the Louisiana Retui-ni.ng Board. The former a Anderson, \ truly greaV and good Republican, who, finding it in his power to make a President, improved the opportunity. Sherman. — ist Republican Visiting Statesman to New Orleans, and the author of "that letter." 1st, 2d, 3d, 4th Republican ) Visiting Statesmen who went to New Orleans to wit- ist, 2d, 3d, 4th Democratic \ ness an impossibility. Jim Anderson. — The noblest Roman of them all. A Republican who "stood by his party," and was subsequently recommended for consul in "a warm climate." Democratic Counsel, ) Employed by their respective panics to appear before the Republican Counsel, \ Louisiana Returning Board and tile protests. Bennv, Republican, \ ^^ intelligent witnesses before the Returning Board. W hite, Deviocrat, S NiCHOLLS, Democrat, ) Rival Claimants for the Gubernatorial Chair of Louis- PaCkaRD, Republican, i iana. Lawrence,') Mc V EiGH, I jigmbers of the Hayes Commission sent to New Orleans to over- H AW LE\ , >• J J ij J. jjjg State Government. Harlan, Brown, J 9"'"J' I Attaches of the Tribune. Decipherers of the Ciphers. Mathews. — Figuratively speaking, "The cat's paw" that pulled the Republican I'residential Chestnut out of the Andersonian Fire. Col. Twister. — A Doublc-Barrelled Politician, and Candidate for a Consulship under the Civil Service Rules. Hon. Peleg Puff. — .\ Member of Congress, who thinks the Colonel should be remembered. Springer, "1 McMahon, I ^{embers of the Congressional Investigating Committee. (jL TLHRf [ Reed, J Tom. — A Newspaper Reporter; brother to Kate. Haves' Secretary. Telegraph Boy. Kate. — A Spy in the Democratic Camp. Mrs. Jcnks. — .\ Female Politician, and political Godmother to the Administration. Citizens, &c., &c., &c. The New Doctrine of Election. FIRST ACT. Scene I. — Gramercy Park. Morning after Election. S. J. T., newspaper in hand. Til. \_Solil.'] I wonder what's the news, yet am afraid To read, for fear I'll find myself betrayed. Ha ! What is this? Zach Chandler's first dispatch, Followed by other messages to match — I'll read them at a venture, though 'twere wise, Perhaps, to pass them by. They're doubtless lies. \_ReacU.'] "Hayes' vote one hundred eighty-five. Enough To sure elect him. Chandler." Oh, that's stuff. Why, it can't be. One hundred eighty-four Is all he's got. I've one elector more. I'll read no more, but wait for better news. Ah! Here's my nephew Now I'll get his views. \_ Enter Pelton.] Pel. Good morning, uncle. I've a message here From Oregon that gives me cause to fear The race is lost. You know you're one behind. If some elector doesn't change his mind Before he votes; and prospects are not fair For such event. But yet, we may repair The damage done Til. That telegram from Grover Pel. Says there you're beat four hundred votes or over. 8 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Til. Hal say you so? The Gov'nor's indiscreet To say thus soon 'tis his belief I'm beat. Dispatch hira right away to hold his peace Until some future message gives release. And, while you are about it, say, as well, That just at present it is hard to tell The true result. The matter is in doubt — We must have time success to cipher out. Say to him, also, that he'd best delay Granting certificates, from day to da}-, Until we know how many votes are lacking To give me Avhat I need — good solid backing. Pel. Somebody comes. Til. Perhaps some of our friends. Pel. If so we'll lay the plans to gain pur ends. Til. \_Knock heard.'] Come in. [Enter Fox, Max, Moses, Weed, and Hew. 1 Good morning, gentlemen.' I'm glad That you have called; for things are looking bad. Pel. I find the papers give the vote to Hayes, And fear the Radicals (you know their way.^) May take such steps as urgent need requires To prove the statement true. One fact inspires My heart with hope. 'Tis this : In sev'ral States The vote is close. Perhaps the busy fates Xow working to defeat, may be controlled And made our friends 1 v arQ:uments of £rokl. Til. My nephew may be right. I will withdraw ^\'hik' you discuss the matter. 'Tis a law With me, to shield myself, when e'er I can, From aught that might defile a public man. But this I saj- : "Whate'er yorr judgment Ije — "Tis mine already. I with you agree. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 9 Weed. The money- Til. Is all right. My nephew here Will furnish it. My hand must not appear. [Exit.] Hew. Now to our labors. We must all admit The result turns on Florida. Moses. Small wit Required to see so plain a fact as that Pox. [A.?ide.] (We'll make it turn all right, I'll bet a hat.) Hew. But yet, though this be true, some hope remains That we may e'en succeed in making gains In other States, before returns are rendered Providing speedy arguments are tendered. Now I propose all dangers to surmount Br sending parties down to see the count. Once on the .spot, they proper use can make Of every weakness, fraud, or grave mistake Of our antagonists. Besides, if made, Thev can arranire and consummate the trade. Pel. Exactly my opinion. Fox, Weed, Moses. We're agreed. Hew. Whom shall we send to South Carolina ? Pel. Weed. Weed. I'll go. Hew. And Moses goes to Florida. Moses. I'm ready now. I'll start without delay. Hew. Take Fox along. Max also. You know both— They'll prove of great assistance. Max. I'ki not loath. It is the very way I would have sought. Fox. [Aside.'] (I'll show them how Returning Boards are bought.) 10 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Hew. Thus far, 'tis settled then. Xow we'll agree Upon a cipher for dispatches. See ! I here have sev'ral, all arranged with keys, And we can use whichever one we please. I can assure you they are perfect quite, And secret as the dwelling place of night. Pel. Our chieftain's orders are, " Be ye discreet. Dont pay your money ere you get receipt For its full worth ; but use your judgments well And let success of earnest efforts tell." Hew. Dispatch us often, as you are directed Pel. Send them to me, or Havemeyer. I've selected His name because my uncle thought it best That messages be sometimes thus addressed. Moses. Well, I am ofiF. Max. And I. Fox and Weed. And I. Hew. and Pel. Good bye. Hew Success attend you. [i/j'i/.] Pel. [Calling after.'] PU the funds supply. Now by St. G-eorge ! The work is well begun. Fll go my uncle tell what has been done. [Exit.] Scene II. — A certain place in Ohio. Home of Hayes. Present, Hayes and Citizens. Chandler''s Dispatch just received. H.vYES. I thank you fellow citizens Citizens. - Hurrah! Hayes. Most heartily for this great honor- Democrats in Crowd. Bah! THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 11 Hayes. So unexpected, for I sought it not — In fact, I scarce had hoped 'twould be my lot To be the President of this great nation. But since you say I'm chosen to that station, I'll do the best I can to teach reform. And, through mij " Civil Service " make it warm For politicians whose corrupting ways Have shamed all honest folk these many days. I thank you, gentlemen, again. Good-night. Citizens. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! [Exit Citizens.] Hates. \_Solil.'] If Chandler's right, I am elected sure. His message here Gives me one over Tilden. Xow, 'tis clear, That one ensures success, beyond a doubt. Unless he sells himself to count me out. I think I'll write to Grant, or get a friend To do 80 for me, asking him to lend Assistance to my cause. Then I'll suggest. In view of what may happen, it were best To send some statesmen down to see the count. And help the Boards all obstacles surmount That might else interfere with my election. Besides, the canvassers may need protection. I'll see to this at once — without delay. And those who serve me well I'll promptly pay When I am seated in the Chair of State, As I must be, in time, in spite of fate. And then the world will see a President ! The best, in fact, Electors can invent. 12 UO W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Scene III.— Parlor of Colonel Twister's Residence. \ Colonel T. reading over the newspapers. Col. T. \^Solil.'] Tilden's elected, all his friends agree, Yet how they make it out, I cannot see. I know he's sure of all the votes he's got, But yet the Radicals, a cursed lot Of de.sp'rate rascals, claim Hayes beats him one ; And if he does, I am indeed undone. Unless I trim my sails in such a manner As will enable me, when vict'ry's banner Is floated to the breeze, to steer my . I am a member, and of course should know — If wo had finished I would tell )'ou so. Weed. I am delighted that I'm not too late, Aud highly pleased to meet you. Happy fate That brought us thus together. May I ask How soon you hope to finish up your task? M. B. Well, that depends. Our duties are perplex- ing— The politicians arc our spirits vexing Weed. I hear — of course 'tis false — you have decided To give the State to Hayes M. B. We are divided. There are considerations moving us, But they are insufficient Weed. Let's discuss This matter further. M. B. All right, I'm agreed. Weed. Your name M. B. That does not matter. AVeed. Mine is Weed. I come, from those who have a heavy purse, With t'lill authority to make disburse Of all such sums as may be deemed essential To meet the case; and this is my credential. [Shoiva Icdcr.'] TEE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 17 M. B. Ah, yes ; I see ' This says a " bar'l of money " Is waiting for a claimant. 'T would be funny If only yesterday we gave to Hayes What now you wish to buy. Weed, Bat if it pays You sure could sell again ? Sell it to me. You haven't made delivery M. B. I'll see And let you know to-night ; meantime, keep dark, For we are honest men Weed. {^Aside.'] (Grod save the mark !) M. B. And must not be betrayed. Weed. Where shall we meet ? M. B. At my hotel. This card Weed. [Looking at cartl] I know the street. I'll be there prompt at nine ; and hope your will Will be to let me help your pockets fill. M. B. Dont speak of it; decisions may be changed. The Board's will be if this plan is arranged — But not for money. Xo ; we never take it Unless we find some easy way to make it. Weed. I understand your drift. M. B. All right. Good day. [ExiL] Weed. Good day to you. And now I will away To telegraph to Denmark what I've done, And tell him that I think our cause is won. [Exit.] Scene V. — State House, Columbia, S. G. Room of Returning Board. Present, Members. 1st M. I tell you 'tis too low. I'll not consent. 2d M. Nor I. Twice that and I will be content. 18 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 3cl M. I am for dealiu;? honcstlv o 1st M. [Aside.;] (Oh, stuff.) 3cl M. And think the sum that's offered large enough. We've sold out one side — now let's sell the other, Treatinsr each candidate as thousrh a brother. To do so is but common Justice — fair — Besides, 'twill help our fortunes to repair. 2d M. I think, upon reflection, you are right. 1st M. And so do I. 3d M. Let's close the deal to-night. 2d M. My heart misgives me. Gentlemen, I feel 1st M. Pooh ! don't we sell to those who tried to steal The self-same thing from us, and don't we act In great good faith ? I meau to keep my pact. 3d M. I feel no qualms of conscience. We receive This money, and it leads us to believe Our judgment erred at first. We change our minds. Whose business it ? His alone who finds That we are honest — (after payment made) — In other words, the man who is betrayed. 1st M. Both parties wink at fraud ; nay, more, suggest We do the very thing that suits them best. Whether 'tis right or wrong. The ballots cast By either side this last election past. Were many of them fraudulent. To win. Each party thought to stuff the box no sin. Why, then, should we feel guilty if we make A just decision, and a handsonu- stake '/ M M. The failing party surely will not dare T'> say we played him false 1st M. To that I'll swear. 3d M. Well. I am off to close the bargain. 2d M. Stay! THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. IQ When shall we get the money ? ocl M. Right away. 2d ^[. Then hurry up, and don't you make a slip When we have got the cup thus near our lip. 3d M. Trust me for that. lExifl 1st M. Xow shines the sun once more. 2d M. Let's go and take a drink. 1st M. The storm is o'er. [^Exeunt.'] Scene YI. — Room, Everett Houae, N. Y. City. Present, Pelton, Hewitt and Cooper. Pel. These telegrams have lately come to hand From Weed, whom we sent down to Hampton's land. They are in cipher, and if all agree I'll read them out, when T have found my key. Hew. and Coop. Read, read, by all means ; we are all intent To know how matters stood when they were sent. [Pelton rirujs. Enter Servant.] Pel. Go tell my clerk to bring the key he'll find Within my cabinet. Hew. That brings to mind, I left mine all exposed. I hope 'tis safe — But yet 'tis useless now to fret or chafe. [Eniei' Clerk toitJijug labelled whisky. '\ Clerk. This is the only key I Pel. \^Aiiide. Seeing Jug.'] (Curse the dunce.) Go take that back. Bring me the key at once — You understand ? The cipher key, now go, And never dare again such wit to show. [Exit Clerk and re-enters with key, and then retires.] 20 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Now, gentlemen, I'm ready to begin : — \_Reads.'] " I've bought the Board. They'll count your uncle in For Mississippi River " — Hew. (That means eighty — ) Pel. " Edinburgh "— Hew. (That's thousand — ) Coop. \_Aside.'] (Surely a weighty Question he's handling.) Pel. " Copenhagen " — Hew. (There, That's dollars—) Pel. " Amsterdam " — Hew. (That's bills.) I swear Coop. What shall we do ? Pel. Why, let him close the trade As soon as transfer of the cash is made. He starts to night for Baltimore, and I, Go down with funds to give him full supply. Hew. What else has he to say ? Pel. a lot of stuff — Decipher it yourself Hew. Oh, that's too tough. I couldn't do it if I tried. No matter. You've read the most important. Skip the latter. Pel. I'll see you later. Hew. That's a hint to us We should be going. Coop. Well, we can discuss Those matters further at another place. Hew. Good morning, Pelton, see you gain the race. [Exit Hew. and Coop.] THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 21 Pel. Xow by St. Paul I The work goes bravely on. I'll bag that vote, and one from Oregon. I'll off and get the money. Then, to win, Will be to see my uncle counted in. [_E.v2t.^ Scene YI. New Orleans. Boom occupied by Return- Board. Present, Members of Board, Counsel {Rep. and D em.) and Visiting Statesmen. Wells. We must admit this D. C. Xo sir, I protest. Wells. This whole return D. C. The law does not invest Your Board with such a power to Wells. Be all wrong. R. C. Now I protest. D. C. And I will change my song. D. Y. S. Let us have peace. Of course I have no right To interfere, but yet 'tis my delight In every case to see full justice done. — 1st R. Y. S. This isn't justice. Since this count begun Wells. Peace, gentlemen. The count will now proceed. We'll not admit this R. C. I protest ! D. C. Agreed. Wells. This R. C. lAsid'.'.'] (That wont do.) Wells. Keturn 1st R. Y. S. \_Aside.'\ (I'd like to know If he intends our cause to overthrow.) 22 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Wells. To be correct. The legal vote, as polled, Must be increased at least an hundred fold To make amends for votes our party lost Through fraud 1st K. T. S. That's right D. C. and D. Y. S. "Protest! Protest!" The cost Of such R. C. to D. C. Xow I protest. You're out of order. D. C. to R. C. You go to — see your friend aci'oss the border. Wells. You who protest, must file the same in writing. Gen. a. That will keep one man all the time inditing. Wells. Enough of this. A witness is at hand To testify against the White League band. He's been bull-dozed, and burglarized, and such, And knows of all their devilment. I). C. How much Has he been paid for coming ? R. C. \_Enter witne>. Y. S. Then let's away to meet to-night at eight. 1st R. Y. S. All right. We must make haste ; 'lis getting late. \_E.Teunt all.'] Scene YIII. — Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden and Pelton. Til. I'm glad you've come. What news from any- where '? How goes the battle ? Pel. Ev'ry thing looks fair. Weed wants some money Til. Well, why hesitate ? To change our programme ni>\v were all too late. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 25 Pel. He wants too much — more than I think you'll give; For eighty thousand dollars Til. As I live, That is a pretty fortune — quite a sum — But if I pay the money, what's to come ? Pel. The State is ours, as Weed's dispatch reports, He's bought the Board thus heading off the courts. Til. Then give him what he wants. The price is high But while they're in the market, we must buy. Pel. I've pledged myself to go to Baltimore And meet Weed there to pay the money o'er. I'll start at once, as soon as I've the cash, And finish up the bargain. Til. Don't be rash, But act discreetly. Keep the matter quiet Yet when you see Pel. a vote to buy I'll buy it. Til. Here is my check to cover the amount For this transaction. See you make it count. Pel. Oh, never fear ; we're certain to succeed Now that the Board has sold itself to Weed. I always thought you surely were elected Til. (I hope this trade will never be detected.) Pel. And now no shadow of a doubt remains Til. 'Tis said, in Florida I'm making gains ; How's that ? Pel. I cannot stop to tell you now — I must meet Weed to-night, or have a row. Til. Well, go at once. Return without delay, And telegraph me often, while away. 26 HOW TO BECOME PEEies.^ (Then we'll succeed. ) Pel. Or High Commission to declare the count. Hew. Then ev'ry obstacle we shall surmount. Til. There is one matter gives me great concern ; And that is, will they follow the return ? You know we've argued both ways, where 'twould suit, But yet our efforts l)ore no ripened fruit. Hew. I'll see to that. I'll be there on the spot, And if they don't do right, I'll make it hot For those who fail in duty. Don't give in. Pel. The strong and pure of heart are sure to win. [To Hewitt.] Don't tarry here. Away, away, away. Hew. I go at once. [To Pelton,] Come on. [To Tilden,] Good day. [Exit Hew. and Pel.] Til. [Calling after. j Good day. I know not what to do — what course to choose. I've much to gain and — what have I to lose ? An honored name. But money'H buy that back. But if it won't! What then? Alas! Alack! 'Tis lost forever. Xevor mind. I'll wait Till I can wait no more — then grapple fate. [Exit."] THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 51 Scene II. — Hayeshas just received news of the decision of the Electoral Commission. Hayes. [^Solil.'] I knew that justice must succeed at last, And win the day. Now ev'ry fear is past. I've reached the top-most pinnacle of fame. I've conquered every obstacle but shame, And that, to me, most cheerfully I own, Has been, throughout this whole affair unknown. I'll make a note of it — 'tis really curious — And then, if Tilden's friends should get too furious And charge me with it, I can truly say I don't know what it is. I hope, I pray They'll let the matter rest. But should they choose To agitate the question — should they lose What little sense they have and make a fuss, Why, then my friends must help me through the muss. My friends ! Yes, if I pay them well as such. But yet 'twill cost me nothing. 'Tis n't much To peddle out an office here and there Whenever need requires to keep them square. When I am President 1 Oh, happy hour When I assume the reigns of sov'reign power ! When I may feel my triumph is complete — Yet, stay ! Some people say that I was beat ! I think I was myself, in the election ; But that don't matter. I'm the free selection Of those who put me in. Why should I care Though charges vile of fraud pollute the air ? And why should Democrats condemn a trade That gives them three good States — the price I paid. 52 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR^ For my success ? They ought to be content, To have a friend like mc for President. But I must keep my pledges to the letter. Xor must I let my party prove a fetter Upon m}^ movements, if, u'hen I am done, I would be called a second Washington. Scene III. — Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden and Pelton. Pel. The result is announced. 'Tis eight to seven. Til. Then I am President Pel. Xo,' Hayes Til. By Heaven ! This is the most unkiudest cut of all. To bo so near the top, then get a fall Because those whom I thought my friends were weak Pel. You are too hasty, uncle, let me speak. Your friends stood by you to the very last. Each Democratic vote for you was cast. It was a partisan afl'air throughout And Bradley's vote alone put you to rout. Til. Well, I am ruined quite; no hope remains. A month ago a fool — I've made great gains In want of common sense. I am an ass. To that I'll stick whate'er shall come to pass. Pel. One thing we've to console us. What we've done lu all this matter, no one know.s — not one. But you and Hewitt, Cooper, Marble, Weed, And I. Til. That's good. I hope 'tis true indeed. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 53 Pel. Those cipher telegrams I'd best destroy. Til. Do so at once. That's right, that's right, my boy; You're ever thoughtful of your uncle's fame. Pel. In all this matter Til. Yours shall be the blame Whate'er that be. Pel. But where are those I seek — Those ciphers ? Til. On my desk. Wait. Now you speak, I haven't seen them for a month or less. Pel. Now that is strange, I really must confess. I hope they're safe. The deuce will be to pay If some d — d thief has taken them away. Til. Don't bother so. They'll somehow come to light. Pel. I hope they won't, unless I get first sight. Til. I am quite weary, and will seek some rest. Pel. That's just what I was going to suggest. You're worried. Now you're over the suspense, Rest will restore your health. I'll see you hence. [Exit.] Til. [Solil.'] I was, and I am not. I was to be The President. Now, all the chance I see Of being anything but what I am, A fool — is to be silent. I'll be d — n No, I'll not swear. It don't help matters much, But I will speak of buying votes, and such. And ring the cry of fraud with all its changes So that the world may hear it. This deranges My hopes, my plans, and prospects. To be beat ! To taste the bitter, when I hoped for sweet. Oh, would that I could all the past forget— Mv faults, and follies. All my errors. Yet, 54 BOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, This is the state of man. To-day, a fool To-morrow, just as wise. Like boy at school Who thinks, perhaps he knows more than his master, When, had he less conceit he'd learn the faster, I thoug-ht that / was wise. That I could teach Men how to win success. Xow, I may preach. And who will listen? No one. They will say, He failed himself— his wits have gone astray. Poor fellow 1 Pass him by, and heed him not. Thus they will speak, and I be soon forgot. And yet, I might have won the Chair of State ! Weed would have bought me in. 'Tis now too late. Ah, I regret the errors of the past. I see them now, since fortune ebbed so fast To leave me on the sands a helpless wreck, To perish of decay. I'm at the beck Of those I sought to lead. Too bad ! Too bad 1 My pride is crushed; my heart is sorely sad. An old man, broken by the cares of State — Had I but served my God with zeal as great As I have served myself, I had been safe — Not the mere wanton child of fate — a waif. Now, naked to my foes — my armor gone — My courage weakened — all my friends withdrawn — I'm but a sorry actor on the stage On whom the world will vent its ill-timed rage. I'm a poor corned}- whose tragic end Brings tears instead of laughter. God defend — I cannot think; my metaphors are wrong. My thoughts, a turbulent accusing throng Give me no comfort. All the world's a show — The men are players. I am one, I know. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 55 Stop ! I am getting Shakespeare rather mixed. (But surely Shalcespeare never thus was fixed) — He was a man of sense, and I am — what ? A fool ! And will be till my name's forgot. I'll think no more ; and say the least I can, Then some may take me for at least — a man. Besides, if I keep quiet, Fate's decree May change this, my defeat, to victory. [Exit.^ Scene lY.—Fat'lor, Kate^s residence. Present, Kate and Colonel Twister. Col. T. The telegrams I gave you first, were all That ever came. I thought my dear, I'd call, That you might fix the day to be my bride Kate. I'm sorry, colonel, but I must decide To make a declination of your hand Col. T. Whatl Kate. I refuse your offer. Col. T. I'll be d-d— I_I_beg pardon — dear — indeed I do For swearing in your presence but — but you — You promised me. I've done what you requested. Your honor and good faith are both invested In this transaction Kate. I can't help it now. If I e'er promised you — I break my vow. Col. T. But listen Kate. Not a word. I'll hear no more. Col. T. Am I to understand our troth is o'er ? Kate. Most certainly. 56 no W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Col. T. Those telegrams — return Kate. Oh, they are safe. Col. T, But where ? K^iTE. That's my concern. Now please excuse this Col. T. What shall I excuse ? Kate. Oh, only thLs — a woman's little ruse. I was employed to get Col. T. [^Aside.'] (YeS, made the tool.) Kate. To get these ciphers Cor,. T. [^Aside.'] (And make me a fool.) Kate. I've got them all, my duty now is ended CoL. T. And I say, madam, may you be de — fended By those you served. Kate. I leave you, sir. Good day. \_Ej:it.'\ Col. T. Now here's a pretty mess. It's just my way ; I'm always getting into some d — d trouble. I've tried to serve two masters — carry double — And this the end. I've ruined Tilden quite, I'm sure of that. I'll off to Hayes to-night And tell him all I know. Perhaps he'll give Some office to me that will help me live. And as for Kate — well, she is not the first To throw me over, but she served me worst. She fooled me. Made a donkey of me sure. And I can't help it. Well, I can endure. 'Twas lucky that I went to New Orleans And gave the "Rads" a peep behind the scenes Wh(>n " reconstruction " figured on the staore. They ought to pa}' me well ; but I'll engage They won't remember mo. And yet, I'll try. For if I don't get office, I must die. \_E.rit.'] THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 57 Scene Y. — Parlor, St. Charles Hotel, New Orleans, La. Present, Ilembers Hayes Commission. Law. Big with events the time is now at hand When we must carry out our chiefs command. Our letter of instruction has been read ; We're ready now I think to push ahead. McY. It is the President's expressed desire That we induce friend Packard to retire And yield the chair executive to one Who failed to win. Brown. [Aside.'] (That's easier said than done.) Law. Failing in this, we must consolidate The legislatures sitting in this State, So that the candidate who really lost Be made the Governor, whate'er the cost. The means to be employed to gain these ends Are left to us. On us success depends. McY. We first should Nicholls see, and make report The President will give him strong support. For sure 'twere best he know from the beginning That Packard has no ground for hope of winning. Haw. I would suggest an interview straightway. McY. All right ! We'll start at once without delay \_Exeunt all.'] Scene YI. — Nicholls^ office. Enter McV, and others. McY. Good morning, Governor. We come to treat 'Twixt you and Packard ; and to make complete Your triumph in the late election past Xicii. Permit me, gentlemen ; you go too fast. 58 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, My triumph is complete. I was undone, But ere you came, my cause was fully won. I put my gallant Leaguers in the field And drove the foe where now he lies concealed. McT. I meant to say we brought encouragement For you and yours, from our great President. He will have naught of Packard, or his minions, But gives support to you, and 3*our opinions. If you will make suggestions of your views We'll see them carried out. Haw. Yes, we'll enthuse The Packard crew with such a loyal spirit They'll leave his camp and ne'er again go near it. XiCH. I only have to make this one deniand : That I be recognized on every hand. McY. We'll see that Packard's myrmidons disperse. NiCH. They'd better. If they don't, they'll fare the worse. McV. We'll also guarantee to you a quorum Of members in the legislative forum. Xicu. This resolution which I hand to you Explains my plan in ev'ry point of view. Perhaps 'twere best you see the other side And learn if they will by its terms abide. McY. We'll do so right away, and now withdraw To do as vou desire. Your will is law. [Exeunt all.'] TEE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 59 Scene VII. — St. Louis Hotel, New Orleans. Caucus of Packard Legislature. Present, a Zso, IlcVeigh and others. Chairman of Caucus. You come to learn our views, we understand, Of your proposal lately come to hand. Short time we need to give them. They are brief. But yet may fill your narrow souls with grief. Your proposition looks too like a trade ; And we will have no venal barter made Of sovereign pow'r whene'er we can prevent. And, further, this we say : To all intent We, whom your President now tries to smother — We, are the legal body — not the other. You have our answer. Send it to your master. Then drive your weapons home. We'll die the faster. McV. We are surprised that you yourselves array Against our wishes. 'Tis as plain as day That you are in the wrong, and Nicholls right Though he was beaten. We'll dispatch to-night Your ultimatum. Haw. Let us go. What use To stay and listen to their vile abuse. Are we not statesmen — great and pure of heart Mem. [Aside.^ (If that be true you play a dirty part.) Haw. Whose only aim is to o'er throw the State And make poor Packard share in Tilden's fate ? McV. Yes, we'll away to set the jvheel in motion That shall effect our will. jj^j^ I have a notion That Packard should be asked to call on us In order we this matter may discuss. tjO now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, MoY. To that we all agree Let us withdraw And take such steps as makes our will the law. lExcunt all.} Scene YUl.— Parlors, St. Charles Hotel. Present, Jlembers of the Hayes Commission, Packard and Wells. Pack I tell you Hayes got fewer votes than I. If ho is President I am Haw. Let's try And compromise this matter. It is best. Just listen to the plan I now suggest. Pack. I will not listen. I will not be bribed. Wells. Who talks of bribery ? Hau. It has been ascribed To all of you who managed this election. Wells. But what of that? We have escaped detec- tion And you are gainers by it ! McV. Let us reason Pack. I'll reason with you in and out of season. McV. 'Tis thus the matter stands. The vote was close. To swallow Tilden were too great a dose. Hayes could be President but l)y consent Of certain politicians whose intent Was chieQy to regain complete control Of divers Southern States Pack. I know the whole Of your base argument, but fail to see Its force or justice. You would slaughter mo THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 61 To save your chief. You'd sell a sov'reign State To make a President. Wells. The need is great For better understanding. Packard's cause Is firmly based on equity, and laws Of our enactment. But 'twere grievous sin Had that " Old Usufruct " been counted in. And such, in fact, must needs have been the case Had Hayes not promised Nicholls Packard's place. McY. We e'en must sacrifice our party here To carry out the bargain made. Haw. That's clear. Pack. I am the lawful Governor elect Of Louisiana ; and as such, expect Due recognition. Har. But the bargain's made 'Tween Hayes' and Nicholls' friends Pack. Then I'm betrayed By him I served. Wells. But you can get your price Pack. My honor's not for sale. Let that suffice. Law. You sell not honor Pack. Had I been defeated Then Hayes were beaten. Xow I'm to be cheated By him who climbs to pow'r upon my back — I'll see him d — d first. Tell him I've no lack Brown. Don't be so rash. Adversity's a school Where men learn wisdom — not to play the fool. You're bound to go, so act the wiser part And take whate'er is offered at the start. McY. There's Liverpool — a consulate, 'tis said Worth many thousands ; Wells. [Aside to Pack.'] (Ten, I'll bet my head.) 62 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, McV. Don't mind your wounded feelings — strive no more — And that shall be the plaster o'er the sore. Pack. I'll think of it. McV. 'Twill be but recognition Of your great services. The one condition On which you take it, is, that you comply With our request. Let opposition die. Pack. Well, I can't help myself. 'Tis sad, but true. I'll stifle my convictions — yield to you. But yet 'tis strange that I can be rejected As Governor, and Hayes be deemed elected. I got more votes than he — the count will show it, And d — n me if I see how you'll o'er throw it. Wells. That's Qxed already. Har. Danger now is past. Wells. Tilden is beaten. AYe're all right at last. I'll go inform our friends. \_Exit.'] Pack. And I'll away To carry out the trade. Good day. \_Exit.'] Haw. Good day. McY. Our work is o'er. The bargain is completed. Hau. [^Anide.'] (I on the Supreme Bench will soon be seated.) Haw. 'Tis easy thus a State to trade away. McY. I was the one who did it — I, McVeigh. Law. Here is a telegram I have prepared — See if the views expressed, by you are shared. Brown. Please read it out. Law. 'Tis to the President, And is as follows: [iirflc?.^'.] "Your Commission sent To Louisiana to transfer the State And Nieholls see installed in spite of fate THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 63 Send this report : Your wishes have effect. Deposed are all who helped make you elect. Packard is out and Xicholls has gone in His Democratic programme to begin. All, save Republicans, are wild with joy. And these, mix heartfelt grief with shame's alloy. We start to-night : and Tuesdav's rising sun Will see us safe at Hotel Arlington. McY. That's capital indeed. Har. Superb. Haw. 'Tis grand. Brown. Come, let's all sign it ; then, a happy band, We'll pack our trunks and off to Washington Well pleased to know the great transaction's done. [Exeimt All.] Scene IX. — Hotel, Washington. Present, Jim Ander- son. And. (Solil.) I've been d — d badly treated by my friends Or those who should be such. To gain their ends They, that is Hayes and his infernal crew, Made me their tool. In any point of view It was their duty to have paid me well For what I did, no matter what befell. But since theirs was the winning side, they ought, In common justice, to at least have thought To give some cosy place to him who dared Make vict'ry certain. All but I, have shared In spoils official — why am I left out? Have they forgot there's such a man about ? i 64 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, If so, I'll wake 'em up. I'll let 'em know They can't bamboozle mo. I think I'll go — i Enter Matthews.] Ah, glad to see you. When did you arrive ? M. This morning. And. Well, I'm glad you're yet alivt-. M. Now what is it you wish? What can I do And. I want a consulate. M. I'll pull you through. And. I want a good, fat berth. One that will pay. M. I'll see the President without delay, And get it for you. You deserve it, sure. For what you did for him. j^^ND. I won't endure Suspense much longer. He must think, and act. Without delay, or I'll tell ev'ry fact I know concerning his so called election. And how I came to make that d — d objection. Or protest as you call it, to the count Of certain votes. You know the whole amount Of what I can discover, if I try M. Indeed I do. 'Twill knock us all sky high. And. Just say to Hayes I must be cared for now. I leave him to determine where, and how, But yet the place he gives me must be good Or I'll not take it. I've withdrawn the hood Of his fair promises from off my eyes — Now, he must act, and tell me no more lies. M. I'll see you are provided for X-aii, That's right. But see you bring an answer back to-night. lExit 3/.] THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 65 I'll make Rome howl, if once I'm fooled again — And teach these honest statesmen that the pen Is mighty as an engine of destruction When truths like these I have, by its production Are scattered on the winds to bear good seed Wherever honest men of thought can read. [Exit.'} Scene X. — Office Executive Mansion. Fvesent, Hayes and Secretary. Hayes. A man of honor promptly pays his debts. I've cancelled some of mine — while time abets I'll pay the others off. Give me the roll Of my appointments made since first control ■I had of matters and affairs of State — I have not looked it over much of l*e. [Looks at list.^ The list is long, but yet must longer be Ere I have finished it. Now let me see. Sherman is settled with, and so is Noyes. Harlan is on the bench. Stoughton enjoys A residence abroad. Evarts is paid. Coburn and Stearns commissioners are made To visit the Hot Springs. Wallace shall go As Governor of our New Mexico. And with him, as a judge, I'll send McLin Who helped in Florida to count me in. Marks shall collector be. Jim Anderson — (Few men could do so well what he has done) I'll book him for a climate hot as — well — [Enter Sherman.] (Good morning, Sherman !) it is hard to tell 66 BO W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Exactly where to send him. I'll agree, In case I ne'er again his face shall see, To send him anywhere Sheb. I'll find a place. To have him here brings shame, if not disgrace. He and that woman Jeuks are always claiming More knowledge than they have, our names defaming. Of course no one believes them, yet 'twere best To give them place so that their tongues may rest. Hayes. I'd like to know what's best to do for Hale ? The place I offered he declined. Sher. I fail To see your obligation to him now — You offered him his pay — discharged your vow. Hayes. Well, pass him by. There's Packard's over- throw Is charged to me. ^here shall I let him go ? Sher. I would suggest the Civil Service School Give him the consulate at Liverpool. Hayes. A good suggestion. Now for those small fry Who helped me Louisiana's vote to buy. I must consider them, or they will raise A tempest o'er my head, or I'm not Hayes. Sher. I've taken care of them. Wells, Kenner, Ray, Tom Anderson and Abell, they've their pay ; Besides, I've given place to Blanchard, Hill, And all the others who helped do our will. Hayes. 'Tis well ! But .^top ; there's Justice Brad- ley's son. Till he's provided for, our work's not done. For had his father not made up the eight Against the seven, hard indeed our fate. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 67 Sher. I sent Collector Arthur a request That he, for " special reasons " would invest Young- Bradley with a clerkship, Avhich he did. Hayes. And well for him he did what he was bid. Sec'y. We've done. The list is finished. Sher. Then, good day. [Exit.^ Hayes. I wonder what the newspapers will say Of these appointments, when I make them known. Sec'y. 'Tis no concern of theirs, but yours alone. Hayes. I mean the Civil Service to reform Although, by doing so, I raise a storm. [Enter M. C] Merit shall fill each office in my gift And those who serve well I'll M. C. lAside.'] (Give a lift.) Hayes. I'll make a note of. M. C. Mr. President, About that consulate ' Hayes. 'Tis my intent That candidates shall pass examination Under the Civil Service dispensation. Before they get appointment from my hand To any office. Such is my command. M. C. The gentleman is here. Hayes. Well, bring him in, And I'll the questioning at once begin. [Enter Colonel Twister.] [To Col. T.] Are you a granger? And to what extent Do you endorse the council held at Trent ? Col. T. I am no granger, though I know a beat That made you President. 'Twere Tilden's seat 68 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, You fill had not the eight spot beat the seven. The Trent affair, I leave to you and Heaven. Hayes. What is the chiefest end and aim of man ? Col. T. To get an ofiQce, and steal all he can. Hayes. What is the statesman's doctrine of election ? Col. T. To win bv fraud, and then escape detection. Hayes. Who is the greatest man, as hist'ry tells ? Col. T. He lives in New Orleans ; his name is Wells. Hayes. Pray tell me, why consider him so great ? CoL. T. He made a President, and sold a State. Hayes. Whom do you think a wiser man than I ? CoL. T. No one, since Wells, your maker, is not by. Hayes. Name all the States, accoi-ding to their size? CoL T. Should I do that, I would myself, surprise. Hayes. You cannot answer ? Well, I'll ask another. Do you think ev'ry Chinaman a brother ? CoL. T. To that I answer either yes, or no, Just as the public current seems to flow. Hayes. Who built the biggest dam, of which you've heard ? CoL. T. Bill Chandler, when the Packard muss was stirred. Hayes. I doubt you not. He's capable of much CoL. T. I never thought, till lately, he had such Hayes. Who made you ? Col. T. I'm not made, but hope to be When some fat consulate you give to me. To you. my maker, then, I'll render praise And bless, from day to day, the name of Hayes. Haye.s. That's quite correct. Who was el»>cted. I, Or that man Tilden ? Col. T. Tilden failed to l)uv— THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION- 69 I'll say no more ; but let the mattei* rest Remarking only, you succeeded best. Hayes. Wisdom personified ! Another question I'll ask you at the author's own suggestion. "What's Civil Service ? Col. T. Having many friends. Hayes. And what's reform therein ? Col. T. Oh, that depends On whose are strongest. Strength will always win When office is the prize. Hayes. And what is sin ? Col. T. 'Tis sin to have an office offered you And not accept it. Or to not undo The people's will expressed through ballot-boxes, Whene'er you can. Hayes. You speak in paradoxes. Explain yourself more clearly. Col. T. 'Twould be wrong, If you were weak of heart, and I were strong. For me to see you going to defeat And not attempt, by fraud, your foes to beat. And I should sin, if I refused a gift You offered me for giving you a lift. Hayes. Correct. That's true. You'll pass. I'll make a note And see you are appointed. [To M. C] and yonr vote Touching such matters as I chance to name M. C. I'll cast as you direct, [Aside.^ and d — n the blame. [Exit M. C] 70 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, THIRD ACT. Scene I — Committee room of Congress. Present, J/em- bers of Committee and 3Irs. Jenks. McM. You are Mrs. J. I hope so. McM. Mrs. Jenks Mrs. J. That's me McM. From Xew Orleans Mrs. J. At present. McM. [ Thoughtfully.'] Let me see. You put me out. Oh ! Tell me what you know About this " Sherman letter." Did you go To Parlor P in old St. Charles Hotel To tret it ? Mrs. J. There's no letter. I won't McM. Well, You know the letter ? Mrs. J. Certainly I do. McM. And wrote it, did you ? Mrs. J. What is that to you ? McM. Did Sherman write that letter ? Mrs. J. Change your question And make it less direct. McM. At whose suggestion Mrs. J. Why, mine of course. McM. Did Sherman write that letter? Mrs. J. J will not answer that. ^IcM. Perhaps you'd better. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 71 Mrs. J. I say I won't. McM. That letter Mrs. J. I don't see The great importance of it. McM. That's for me, Not you to see. Xow, tell me, did John Sherman Mrs. J. That is a poser. How can I determine McM. Write that letter, or did you ? Mrs. J. Of course. Don't bother me. You see I'm getting hoarse. McM. That letter Mrs. J. Oh, I wrote it. I don't mind The telling you I did. McM. Well, can you find That letter now ? :Mrs. J. I wouldn't if I could, Because 'twould do nobody any good. It served its purpose at the time, and now. To rake it up, will only cause a row. McM. You wrote it ? Mrs. J. Yes. T^tcM. And Sherman wasn't there ? Mrs. J. You've hit the truth again, I do declare. ^[cM. And signed his name Mrs. J. Perhaps you think so. McM. Well, Who signed it, if not you ? Mrs. J. I'll never tell. Spr. You say you wrote that letter — who was by. Besides yourself Mrs. J. I'll never tell. Spr. But why ? Why thus refuse ? What is your reason ? 72 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, Mrs. J. None. I say I won't. That's all. I won't. Spr. Name one Mrs. J. I have forgotten. Spr. Did you do the writing, Or was it some one elge did the inditing? Mrs. J. I will not answer that. You must conclude That matter for yourself. You see I'm shrewd. Spr. In whose handwriting was the letter penned ? Mrs. J. You've asked me that before. Spr. _ And I intend To ask it till you answer. Mrs. J. Go ahead. You'll not get one from me. What I have said Spr. You then refuse ? Mrs, J. I know my bus'ness here McM. Your conduct on the stand makes that appear. Mrs. J. And you may rest assured I'll tend to that, Nor tell what I'm not wanted to. That's flat. But. Do you know one named Jimmy Anderson ? And when was your acquaintanceship begun? Mrs. J. I know him — yes ; I fooled him with a letter. But. That's it. Go on. Don't let my presence fetter The movements of your tongue, but tell us Mrs. J. Never. But. About that letter. Mrs. J. You may a?k forever, If so you like, but, as I said before I say to you again. I'll tell no more. But. Have you some letters you received from him ? Mrs. J. That I'll not tell. But. Why not ? Mrs. J. A woman's whim. THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 75 But. Will you give up the letters you received From Anderson ? Mrs. J. Ob, yes. But. I feel relieved To get an answer to the point, direct, 'Tis better than I hoped, or dared expect. Mrs. J. Oh, by the way, how did you get that letter I wrote to Kellogg ? I would feel much better Did I but know But. That is inconsequent. I got it — that's enough. Mrs. J. Those letters sent To me by Anderson won't suit you quite — Their style is too severe — while you delight In flow'ry speech. But. I want them all the same. And if he writes poor letters, yours the blame. That Sherman letter Mrs. J. I shall say no more. But. That letter Mrs. J. I'll repeat my story o'er If you desh'e it. McM) But. >• Spare us, spare us, madam, Spr. ) Have this much mercy on us sons of Adam. Mrs. J. Then let me go ; or I'll begin straightway. But. Go, I beseech you. Go without delay. Mrs. J. With pleasure, gentlemen, if you are done. If not, remember, though a woman one Yet I'm a witness schooled in repartee And telling nothing. MoM. That we all agree. 74 IJOM^ TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, Mrs. J. Oue ever ready nothing to disclose Except what suits her purpose. One who knows. Spr. If need should e'er arise we'll send for you. Mrs. J. Good day, then, gentlemen, good day. But. [_Exit Mrs. J.] Adieu. Scene II. — Room, Tribune Building. Present, Gim- let and Guesser, looking over cipher dispatches. GiM. Oh, Moses. Denmark, Ediuburg, Moselle I What cursed secret have these words to tell ? I've read them upside down, and backside to — I've done whatever mortal man can do — And yet, the more I fume, and fret, and wrangle The greater, seemingly, I make the tangle. What are you doing Guesser ? Guess. Every thing. I'm taking ev'ry idea on the wing — I've found what " Warsaw " means GiM. Oh, hold your jaw. Guess. 'Tis true. Gi.M. What does it ? Guess. Why, it means, " was raw." GiM. You've hit it, I'll admit. I'm on the track Of four confounded words, but yet, Alack ! I can't quite capture them Guess. Tell me, I can. What are they ? GiM. Bdinburg, Moselle, a man Calli'd Moses, then comes Denmark. These are all I've tackled yet. Guess. I'll roll 'era in a ball THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 75 And mix 'em up, then, Presto ! 'Twill appear Just what their meaning is. 'Tis this ; now hear : Kram Ed, is Denmark. Se Som, Moses is GiM. By George ! I think you're right. You know your "biz." Guess. And Edinburg is Grub in Ed turned round, While Lose-Em-Le in dark Moselle is found. There, now you have it. " Se Som Grubin Ed " GiM. We've " grubbin" in the dark, I'll bet my head Guess. And then, there is a woman to be lost While Ed, he must be crammed whate'er the cost GiM. You're wrong, all wrong. Guess. Then I give up the job. GiM. I won't. I'll work it out so help me — bob. I say, let's both begin on one dispatch And thus continue through the entire batch. Guess. All right, here's one to Marble, if you will. 'Tis " Warsaw here, Bolivia Brazil." GiM. Now, who is Warsaw ? He is here, no doubt. The message savs so. We must hunt him out. Guess. Perhaps he'll tell us all we want to know. GiM. You said that he " was raw." If that be so Guess. I must have been mistaken in my guess. It seems so now at least, I must confess. GiM. Well, try again. You'll hit it by and by. Guess. I'll conquer these blamed ciphergrams or die. Now let me see. Brazil, Brazil, Brazil! Bo-liv-i-a Brazil. I'll work up hill GiM. This hill is rugged and seems rather high Guess. What's that that's high— Brazil ? Oh, you are sly, You knew that was the meaning all the time. 76 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, GiM. What are you driving at. Guess. We'll surely climb This hill at last. GiM. Explain. Guess. Why, you have wrought The true solution of one word we sought. GiM. You must have lost your senses. Guess. No, not I. Brazil! Brazil! Brazil/ That means, "too high." GiM. I hope 'tis true, but yet I am in doubt, And fear its meaning is past finding out. Guess. I'm sure I'm right. It struck me all at once. You'll find that I'm correct or else GiM. A dunce. However, let us try the clue you've found Until we meet success, or run aground. Guess. Now, what's too high ? GiM. Bolivia of course. Guess. But what's Bolivia ? GiM. 0, have recourse To your great faculty and guess Guess. Guess what ? GiM. The proposition Guess. Struck it by — Great Scott 1 You are a prodigy. You beat me quite. I didn't think your intellect so bright. GiM. Will you explain yourself? Have you gone mad ? What is the matter with you ? Guess. Well, by Dad 1 You are a great one. Is it really true That you don't see what you have brought to view ? THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 77 Why, man alive, 'tis plain as plain can be- GiM. And what is plain? Guess. Brazil, Brazil, — high — see? Bolivia too high ! ' GiM. Well, what of that ? In such warm climates better high than flat. Guess. The proposition — don't you understand ? Bolivia means that, and not a land. GiM. Oh! Then you thinkthe sender meant to say Guess. Some proposition sent to him that day GiM. Was thought too high Guess. Exactly so, correct. GiM. That sounds like reason ; but of what effect. Or help, or vantage will it be 4;o us Guess. We'll leave that matter out. Come, don't dis- cuss GiM. What's Warsaw ? Guess. Here. GiM. What's here ? Guess. [Looking at telegram.^ This d — d dispatch. GiM. Eureka, unum, parvo Guess. What the scratch Ails you ! Why, Gimlet GiM. [Exultingly.'] Telegram is here — The proposition is too high Guess. That's clear. I see your point, you've made it now, old boy ; Let's go and take a glass of liquid joy. GiM. I'm with you heart and soul. Guess. Say throat and mouth. GiM. All right. I'm dry enough to cause a drouth. 78 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, But, I say, Guesscr, won't we raise a storm By our clecipherings? Guess. We'll kill reform Or make it difficult for some to do. Gi.M. We'll finish now directly. What think you ? Guess. The rest is easy ; now we're made beginning 'Twon't take us long to find out all their sinning. GiiM. And when we do we'll have a jolly tear Guess. But won't the ciphergrams rave and swear ? GiM. Let's go. I'm burning up. Guess. We'll quench our thirst, Then take up that dispatch you tackled first. [Exit.'] Scene Ill.— Grame7'ci/ Park. Present, Tilden Pel- ton, Hewitt, Moses, Fox and Cooper, discussing the Tribune^s publication of the ciphergrams. Pel. 'Tis just as I expected. Ev'ry thing Seems going wrong. How Radicals will ring The changes on the sounding cry of fraud When all the truth is known. How they'll applaud The subtle brain that ushered into lio-ht The truth of those d — d ciphers. Til. What a plight Will I be in. Thev'll fix a lasting stain Upon my reputation. All the gain I hoped to make, to lose were bad enough. And now, my character Coop. Its pretty rough On you, on Moses, and the rest ; but yet, It rubs me pretty hard. You see, I've set THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 79 My voice and countenance to aid reform. And now — Good Lord I How honest folk will storm Because I acted thus as your purveyor — I wish I'd never been elected mayor ! Pel. Oh you can stand it Weed. Who has played the spy ? Hew, I do not knovy, I'm sure. Til. Nor I. Moses. Xor I. Coop. What shall we do ? Fox. Deny their truth. Weed. We can't, Unless we bear false witness, and I shan't Fox. Don't be too squeamish. We must shield our chief E'en though we bring our consciences to grief. He must not suffer Moses. Let's diplomatize — Neither admit their truth nor call them lies. Til. Now you speak wisdom. As for me, I'll sweat That I know nothing Pel. Uncle have good care Or those d — d Radicals who stole your right Will place you in a despicable plight Hew. 'Tis strange, indeed, how all those ciphergrams Were stolen from us. Pel. Let us say they're shams, Got. up to ruin us. Moses. No, that won't take. With men of sense. The best reply to make Is just to say they simply signalled danger From some vile plot Fox. Go tell that to a grani?er so now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, Or horse marine — he'll laugh your words to scorn And take you for a fool. Moses. Since I was born I never found mvsclf in such a scrape. * Til. In politics I'm dead. Hang out the crape. Hew. Xo, not just yet. We'll tide this matter o'er. Til. Keep me from harm and I will pay the score. Moses. I'll write a letter that shall set us straight, Before our friends at least Til. It seems my fate To be mixed up with ev'ry foolish blunder My friends have made. And yet, I'm pure. By thunder ! I can't restrain myself when I but think Mv carelessness alone has raised this stink. Had I but kept those ciphergrams secure The world might yet have thought us good and pure. Hew. Well, let's away, and do whate'er we can To stop the scandal, or devise a plan To make it harmless. Til. and Pel. Wo will do our part. MosES. And I'll do mine. Coop. I'm with you hand and heart. Pel. I'll go with Moses. I may be of use In aiding him to frame some good excuse. [Exeunt all but Tilden.] Til. [Solil.^ 'Tis said there is a tide in men's affairs Which, taken at the flood, leads him who dares To highest fortune ; but, if once omitted, The one who fails to take it should be pitied ; For thenceforth all his after life shall be Vexed by dread shoals of fears and misery. TEE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 81 And must such lot be mine? Must I contend Against an adverse fate till life shall end, Simply because my tide of luck ebbed fast When it had turned, as turn it did, at last? What shall 1 do ? How can I conquer, now ?. I surely ought to save myself, but how ? Men, at some time, are masters of their fates. Why can't I master mine ? My mind debates This matter often; but I'm beat by odds Too great for my contention. All the gods Seem bent on my defeat ; but wherefore, why, I couldn't answer, were I else to die. A short time back success seemed certain, sure. The people thought me patriotic — pure. Now stands my credit on such slipp'ry ground That hope is lost, while fear and shame abound. I am defeated in the present race, But is this aU? Shall I dare show my face. In view of this exposure, or again Seek public honors at the hands of men ? My brain is growing weary. Let me think. If think I may, thus standing on the brink Of utter ruin : First, how stands the case? What have I done to merit this disgrace ? Why, only this : My agents wished to buy A State or two — I gave them funds to try. Had they succeeded, then were there no blame. But they did not. In that consists the shame. The project failed, and I, the injured man Must now stand sponsor for the cursed plan. I — it's no use. But yet, I've done the State Some service, and they know it. Small, or great, 82 no w ro become president,- or, They should remember that, and pardon aught Tliat I have done, since not a vote was bought. Oh. my oflcnse is rank. It smells of fraud. I wonder how they'll speak of me abroad ? Speak of me as I am? No, that won't do. My friends must all be coached. I wonder who — No, I'll not wonder, for its little use ; But strive to shield mj'self against abuse. 'Tis strange that Shakespeare so runs through my head! Yet, no, 'tis not. For he has long been dead ; And henceforth I'm a ghost, in politics, — But are ghosts guilty of such crazy tricks ? That I can't answer. I will get some rest And then attempt whate'er my friends think best. [^Exit.'] Scene IA^. — Gramercy Park. Present, TUden and Pelton. Til. 'Tis all your fault. Pel. I say 'tis not. Til. ' It is. Go ! Leave me, leave me! Never show your phiz Beneath my roof attain. Go ! Go ! I sav. Pel. Where shall I go to ? Til. Down to Florida For aught I caro. Pel. 1 would but 'tis too late To go there hoping 1 may buy the State. Til. You are impertinent Pel. I served you well — I tried to buy, when others wished to sell — TUB NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 83 I did the best that I or mortal could To lift you into pow'r. 'Twas for your good, Nay, 'twas your wish, that I began the trade ; And now, because it failed, you would degrade The one who shields you from your evil fame By taking on himself the shame and blame. Til. This is too much. I will not stand it. No ! Out of my house Pel. Why do you bid me go ? Answer me this, and then without ado I'll end all intercourse 'twixt mo and you. Til. Why do I bid you go ? Did you not fail To buy me in ? What good, of what avail Were all my plans and plots with such a fool As you to manage for me ? Pel. Now that's cool ! You know I wanted you to close the trade With South Carolina soon as it was made ; But you delayed and pottered o'er the job 'Till 'twas too late. Now, you attempt to rob Your nephew of what sense he may possess — Turn him adrift without Til. I must confess You are presuming much on my Pel. Discretion ? No. You'd not da7'e to have me m'ake confession Concerning what I did by your advice — You'd rather yield your fortune. Oh, 'tis nice To have you for an uncle — you're so pure, And good, and great. I think I can endure Your great displeasure though I bankrupt be For sure, 'tis something, that you're kin to me. 84 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, You cannot wipe that out. I've half a mind To tell the world what wealth of love I find In your thin, withered heart — to Til. Do but that — Lisp but one word, and this I tell you flat : Not one poor penny will I give, not one, To save you from starvation. Pel. Let's be done With all this talk. 1 go, but, never fear ; I moan to keep my pledge, though it is clear You break your own to me. I'll never tell. But guard your secret to the gates of hell. I'll bear for you the blame — but this I say: The people will be judges. They will lay The shame and blame where right it ought to rest Without one word of mine ; and I'd suggest You case yourself in honor's strongest mail. For venomed darts will rain on you like hail From press, and people, when they learn the way You keep your promises. Til. Be off, I sav ! Pel. I go, but, mark me, gratitude pays best. Til. I'll never let it keep me from my rest. Pel. That well I know. But, sometime, you'll agree I spoke the truth this night. [Exit.] Til. We'll see! We'll see ' Confound the boy ; to fail, when he should win — That were, to me, unpardonable sin. [jtV?/.] THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 85 Scene Y.—Lobbij of House, Capitol. Present, Colonel Twister. Col. T. There's no more hope for me. They've thrown me over. And yet, for one brief spell, I lived in clover ; But then, they found me out, alas ! Too quick, And when they did, served me a dirty trick. For they discharged me. Once, I thought my star AYould reach the zenith. That bright Fortune's car Would bear me on, and on, and never stop ; And while I thought, they found me out, and pop 1 Off went my head. Now here I am " dead busted." There's not a single man I ever trusted To trust me now. Confound that Anderson. 'Twas him that ruined me. I first begun By ruining my friend ; then got a place From Ilayes, to compensate for my disgrace. Then that man came, and when he fell, fell' I, And where I fell, there, now, I've got to lie. But yet he told the truth. Hayes sure was beat. And never was entitled to the seat He occupies to-day. We thought, poor fools. That if we made ourselves the ready tools To bring the frauds to light, the other side Would see us launched again on fortune's tide. We failed, but not through any fault of his — Ah, there he comes. I recognize his phiz — lEnier Andekson.] How are you, Anderson, how goes the battle? And. D d rough. These Congressmen are worse than cattle ti6 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OB, Wild from the Texan plaiua They're far too shy To help us as they ought, e'en on the sly. Col. T. I think your case a little worse than mine. But yet 'tis difficult to draw the line Between the two. And. I do not think so. You, Ruined your friends ; while all that / could do I did to build mine up. Col. T. Weil, as you will. And. Mine surely is a cursed bitter pill. I engineered Hayes in. Without ni}^ help He had been beaten. Xow his friends all yelp And snap their fangs at me, because, forsooth, I made exposure of the naked truth. If I'd but had that guaranty from Sherman I'd made them dance some dance besides the German, 'Twas Madam Jenks that saved them — she alone. By her were all my hopes and plans o'erthrown. She got that "letter,'' and they paid her well For all the lies her ready tongue could tell In their behalf. Col. T. Her testimony shows She told not all she knew. And. John Sherman knows He wrote that letter ; and with all his cheek He dared not go upon the stand and speak Concerning it. He dared make no denial, Except through her, and that, un any trial In court of law, were worthless to acquit, Or prove him innocent of writing it. He proved his guilt to every man of sense By keeping silent. Under what pretense THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. S7 Col. T. One thing is sure; the people when they read Your statements will believe them. And. Yes, indeed. The people are not fools ; and they can see Whv Sherman tried so hard to ruin me. 'Twas his and Hayes' salvation. Everything Constrained them and their Louisiana ring To save themselves by proving me a liar — But yet they failed. Col. T. The people will inquire Into the interest which tliey had at stake And gauge their acts by that. Then they will take, By way of offset, this important fact : You went against your interest. You attacked The only source from whence you hoped for aid Before you found them false to pledges made. And. That puts the matter in its proper light. But — I can't tarry longer. Come to-night — You know where I am staying, and we'll try To drown our troubles in some rock and rye. Col. T. I'll be there certain. Meantime wish you well. May smiling fortune soon these clouds dispel. \_Exeunt both.'] Scene VI. — Room of Sub-Investigating Committee, New York. Present, Members of the Committee and Tilden. Til. I come before you, honored sirs, a man Of honest purpose ; contradict who can. , Conscious of innocence, I seek redress. As stands my case with Hayes, I must confess 88 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, That though de facto, he's not my selection. / was the people's choice the last election. I can assure you, I opposed him strong; But yet I'm conscious of no earthly wrong To him or any other. All this fuss About the ciphergrams, I won't discuss. They're far beneath my notice. I've no knowledge Of base Returning Boards or 'lec'tral college. I only know that I was late elected To be your President, and then — rejected. Now is the winter of my discontent ; For I know not where all my money went. I paid it cheerfully, in hopes of winning— But not with 6xed intent or thought of sinning I paid it, and 'tis gone. I've naught to show For what it went Reed. That's what we want to know. And those dispatches, signed by Fox and Coylo Til. Oh, curse them ! Curse them ! Wasted all my toil Through their stupidity. They should have thought To first secure the money. Then have bought. Reed. But those dispatch ^^^- I never heard a word Concerning them till this d— d muss was stirred. Reed. You knew your nephew went to Baltimore ? Til. "Well, yes. Long after. f^EED. Did you know before ? Til. I might but don't remember. But I'm sure / was elected — that my heart is pure. Reed. Xow those dispatches THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 89 Til. Never came to me- Reed. But to your bouse ? Til. To that I'll not agree. 1 do not know — my mem'ry fails me quite. You question me too close. You take delight, It seems, in asking matters I Reed. Won't tell ? Til. Oh, suit yourself. ^Aside.^ (I wish he was in ) Reed. Well ? Til. I tell you once for all, I'd no suspicion Of those d — d ciphers, till, in deep contrition My nephew came to tell me he had failed In buying votes. Then, gentlemen, I railed At fortune and at him. Turned him adrift Because be failed Reed. In giving you a lift? Til. No; gentlemen. That nephew! He has spoiled My prospects for the place for which I toiled. It has been said " where Heav'n denies a son The devil sends a nephew." I am one To realize the truth of that old sa3'ing For mine has ruined me. Nor gold, nor praying, Can build me up again Reed. You've told us all Til. That I intend to as regards m\' fall, But I'll repeat my statement o'er and o'er That I am President Reed. You'll say no more About those ciphers ? Til. No, indeed. Not I. I've heard too much alreadv. Let them die. go HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, Now, gentlemen, permit me to retire — I've proved my innocence Reporter. \_AKide.'] (Oh, what a liar !) As all the world may see. Reed. Those teletrrams Til. I couldn't tell.them from the Rook of Psalms. [Exit.'] Scene YII. — Tildeii's office. Present, Tilden alone. Til. [/So/i7.] I sighed for bliss ; and that which caused the cipher I sigh for now, but don't the cipher sigh for. E'er since I thought " Returning Boards" were bought, I sigh to be a cipher — sigh for nought. ^^Knockheard.^ Come in ! (I wonder who it is) Come in ! I'm sick and tired of this infernal din. [Enter Xewspapeh Reporter.] Rep. What ails you, my dear sir? You seem cast down. And sigh for Tii,. Cipher.'* ! They have done me brown. My mem'ry is a total l)lank. I know Xothing about them now. Tell people so. I'm .sick and tired of all this talk and fuss, And wish the dev'l had those that made the muss. R.E1'. I meant to a.-^k, why do you sigh 'I'll- . I hear, And tell you, sirrah, that I have no ear For such discourse. 'Tis scarce as sweet as honey — This " cipher " talk ami tluit d — d " bar'l of money." THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. Ql Besides, the language used is rather graphi " Goparceaers," and such, the " cipher traffic " — I tell you once for all, I've had enough Of this infernal cipher. Its d — d rough That I can't have one single moment's quiet Unless I " gobble " it, or, worse yet, buy it. Rep. One moment, if you please. You do mistake. I priihee, hear me for your conscience' sake. I do not mean a cipher thus [0] a nought, But sigh for blessings, or from heart o'erwrought. Til. I tell you ciphers are the same to me Whether from heart o'erwrought, or Florida. I have no knowledge of them. I am dead. To all dispatches under such a head. , Rep. lAside.^ (He seems determined not to under- stand. I'll try again.) It was at your command I called to day to have an interview Concerning matters pertinent to you. I saw you looking sad and heard your sigh — Til. My nephew did it. All the rest's a lie. I'm ignorant of what he. Weed, and Marble Did in the case. The papers only garble. Rep. 'Tis said they sent dispatches to the Park Where you reside Til. If so they kept it dark. For not a cipher came there I could read Although I tried them all. I did, indeed. Rep. You did get ciphers, then ? Til. I tell you, no I I mean — don't bother me. I say, although 92 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OH, I was the one most deeply interested — The one whose " bar'l of money " was invested — The one who was a President to be — They yet kept all those matters safe from me. I never heard a word of hopes, or fears, Or what was being done. Thus truth appears. Nay, more. When those d — d telegrams were sent I was in " Russia," purposely intent On keeping dark till each Returning Board Should make report, and tell whose "ox was gored." How, then, could I know aught of this new Moses, Or Max, and Fox, and others, truth discloses ? It is impossible, howe'er you view it. Thus say I, Tildea, so says Abrani Hewitt. Rep. I heard your sigh Til. I tell you 'twas agreed Between my nephew, Moses, Max, and Weed, That I should nothing know. That in my breast No " cipher " knowledge e'er should find a rest. Therefore, my mem'ry's gone. Clean gone away. The people won't believe me — but — good day. [Exit Reporter sinrjinrj '< Oh, Inifjhfor the rest," §'c.] Til. And this is what I sighed for. This is. fame ! To miss the prize, and shoulder all the blame. To pay my money, then, Alas ! Alas ! To have my party write me down — an ass. I cannot bear the load. It is too weighty. But, never mind. Time flies. In eighteen eighty I'll make an ass of them and give them ears So long they'll think of me an hundred years. Small comfort that to me; but y»>t I'll do it, And make them nominate an ass — to rue it. [Exit.l mm wmtL LIBRARY OF CONGRESS ■ * 1 ! ;t v.'/)-. 007 276 684 2 #