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PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
This edition is limited to two hundred signed, num- 
 bered and registered copies of which this copy is 
 Number ...>:.... 
 
^ 
 
 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK ^ 
 
 A CANDID AND CHRONOLOGICAL ACCOUNT 
 OF THE EVENTS OF THE TROJAN WAR 
 IN THE LIGHT OF MODERN DISCOVERY 
 
 V BY --^ 
 
 FRITZ G: LANHAM 
 
 With Illustrations 
 BY J. F. KNOTT 
 
 MPl 
 
 PUBLISHED BY 
 THE EX-STUDENTS' ASSOCIATION 
 
 OF 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS 
 
 AUSTIN, TEXAS 
 1916 
 
 V 
 
 •fl 
 
.Kg\S'^ 
 
 •^ oS ^ 
 
 Copyright, 191 6, by 
 
 FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM '' 
 
 4^ 
 
 VAIL>BALLOU COMPANY 
 ■INaHAMTON AND NEW YORK 
 
 DEC I9!9|6 
 
 ci 
 
 .A446857 ^\ 
 
\ 
 
 THIS BOOK IS ATFECTIONATELT 
 
 DEDICATED 
 
 TO 
 
 DOCTORS WILLIAM J. BATTLE and EDWIN W. FAY, 
 
 PEOFBSSOES OF GREEK AND LATIN, RESPECTIVELY, 
 IN THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS 
 
PREFACE 
 
 If ever the King of France rode up or down a hill 
 in view of loyal and admiring subjects, the discrimi- 
 nating onlooker gazed less intently upon the graceful 
 curves of His Majesty's coach than upon the royal 
 form of the King himself. The mere statement of 
 this axiomatic truth should silence at the outset any 
 captious critic who may be disposed to search for 
 flaws in the limping lines of my epic. It is not as 
 a poet I crave favor. There is little likelihood the 
 lines themselves will ever get far on the road to fame, 
 though they proceed in the main with the requisite 
 number of feet. The verses are merely the vehicle 
 selected to bring to notice the profundity of my re- 
 search and scholarship. You may regard them 
 lightly, good reader, but bear in mind the more im- 
 portant matter that within them reposes my kingly 
 mentality. With this explanation, I indulge the hope 
 that you may retain your proverbial gentleness even 
 when scanning the concluding episode of the wild 
 horse. 
 
 If you will take the trouble in your study of this 
 history to investigate as collateral reading the works 
 of Messrs. Homer and Virgil, you will observe at 
 once that I have included in my account many details 
 omitted by my predecessors. My spirit of literary 
 
 7 
 
8 PREFACE 
 
 generosity impels me to state that they, too, perhaps, 
 knew of them, and that they purposely left them out 
 of their writings in the fear that such startling reve- 
 lations would be received in their day with popular 
 unbelief. I feel confident they went quite as far in 
 their disclosures as the civilization of their period 
 warranted, but I have equal assurance they cherished 
 the fond hope that in the fulness of time some well- 
 informed author would manifest sufficient boldness to 
 bring to light their pardonable sins of omission. In 
 consideration of the years of research I have devoted 
 to this undertaking, I think it no shocking presump- 
 tion to give to the world each important hiatus in 
 their portrayals. 
 
 The Author. 
 
AUTHOR'S NOTE 
 
 In amplification of the simple words of dedication, 
 I desire to make grateful acknowledgment to Dr. 
 William J. Battle and Dr. Edwin W. Fay for valuable 
 aid rendered in the preparation of this work. Even a 
 cursory reading of any part of it will convince the 
 most skeptical that assistance was forthcoming from 
 some source. I am anxious, therefore, that Dr. 
 Battle and Dr. Fay be given their meed of recogni- 
 tion. 
 
 It is true the doctors have not always agreed in 
 the interpretation of some of the passages, but it 
 must be remembered that one of them regards the 
 matter from the Grecian point of view and the other 
 from the Roman. However, in a desire to see jus- 
 tice done and the facts set forth, they have main- 
 tained throughout the struggle a becoming neutrality 
 in spite of their predilections. Their chief concern 
 has been for an accurate portrayal in English of all 
 the beauty of the original texts. They have been 
 equally fulsome in their praise of my presentation in 
 general, but at times have entertained differences of 
 opinion as to the use of certain words and expres- 
 sions. For instance, in the installment which depicts 
 " The Slowness of the Fleet," you will note that Ajax 
 opens the canto with the idiom " Gee whiz ! " One 
 
 9 
 
lo AUTHOR'S NOTE 
 
 of the learned doctors insisted at this point that the 
 more accurate translation was " Golly ! " Further- 
 more, it must be conceded there was merit in his 
 contention and, likely, I should have employed the 
 term but for the fact that it did not fit in metrically 
 with the versification of that chapter. 
 
 One of the most cogent criticisms offered by the 
 distinguished gentlemen was that in places I had fol- 
 lowed the original texts even too closely. For ex- 
 ample, in the installment entitled " A New Depar- 
 ture," the manuscript as first prepared by me included 
 this passage : 
 
 The scion of Thetis inspected his face, 
 Inscribing his name in a suitable place, 
 And gave a prescription that fitted his case. 
 
 Dr. Fay was eager for a freer translation and, yield- 
 ing to his judgment, I have made these lines to appear 
 in the final version thus : 
 
 The brave son of Thetis examined his frame. 
 And then took his picture and, also, his name, 
 And gave him some dope and a bill for the same. 
 
 The reader will readily detect the touch of dignity 
 that is added to the passage by comparison of it as 
 originally written and as improved under the friendly 
 criticism and kindly suggestions of Dr. Fay. 
 
 One part of the same canto was made vastly better, 
 also, by the careful editing of Dr. Battle. My version 
 showed this line: 
 
 Then Calchas, a venerable sage and soothsayer. 
 Dr. Battle insisted upon an alliterative and less ver- 
 
AUTHOR'S NOTE n 
 
 bose expression and, through his cautious guidance, 
 the line was changed to read in this manner : 
 
 Then Calchas, a crabbed old cuss with the colic. 
 
 I confess that the picture of Calchas thus presented 
 is much more vivid. 
 
 The doctors have been hampered somewhat in their 
 participation in the undertaking by frequent inter- 
 ruptions from subordinate teachers in the schools of 
 Latin and Greek who have offered suggestions con- 
 stantly in the vain hope that the adoption of some 
 of them might enable these inferiors to share in the 
 fame of the composition. Had the doctors been able 
 to give their undivided attention to the matter, the 
 final phraseology might have been even better, if pos- 
 sible. At all times, however, I have had access to 
 the findings of Dr. Battle's geographical research of 
 the region covered and to the enlightenment of the 
 whole of Dr. Fay's excavations. I have found their 
 data quite correct. 
 
 These eminent co-workers have commended me 
 for amplifying the original texts at critical points 
 and presenting the history with the emendations of 
 modern discovery. Many of the details of the fray 
 have thus been made public for the first time, and 
 the revelations of new sources, not readily accessible 
 to the average reader, have been brought to light. 
 Likely a graduate degree would have been awarded 
 me for this masterpiece but for the fact that Dr. Bat- 
 tle and Dr. Fay each contended I had majored in 
 his particular school and each desired the honor of 
 
12 AUTHOR'S NOTE 
 
 conferring it. In a spirit of laudable self-sacrifice, I 
 magnanimously decided to forego the distinction in 
 order that no unpleasantness might arise between two 
 of my friends who have given me so many helpful 
 hints. A feeling of gratitude has prompted me to 
 dedicate the book to them. I consider the work a 
 tribute to their genius and, after pondering the mat- 
 ter a long, long time, am willing for the world at large 
 to know that they are the Bacon back of the lines. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Page 
 I Introductory Apology 19 
 
 II One Paris Caught by Three of a Kind . 25 
 
 III The Opening of the Sack 31 
 
 IV The Slowness of the Fleet .... 41 
 V The Ills of Ilium 47 
 
 VI A New Departure 55 
 
 VII The Shore Lines 65 
 
 VIII A Discord in Asia Minor 73 
 
 IX A Combative Turn 83 
 
 X A Return Engagement 99 
 
 XI Discarding a Queen 113 
 
 XII The Call of the Chief Operator . . .119 
 
 XIII A Kingdom for a Horse 125 
 
 Fritz Garland Lanham 137 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 Page 
 Stole his wife and ran away 33 
 
 He opened the Iliad here 75 
 
 Things have advanced on account of the war . 102 
 
 The Amazon damsels 115 
 
I 
 
 INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY 
 
I 
 
 INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY 
 
 WHEN I was a slight little strip of a boy, 
 Not over-abundant in avoirdupois, 
 I learned the remarkable story of Troy, — 
 A tale of much weight and of vim beyond measure. 
 But not the Troy weight of the jeweler's treasure, 
 For this is a story of war and it calls 
 For no sort of scales but the scaling of walls. 
 The story is told of a far distant time, 
 With the scene of the fighting a far distant clime, 
 When Grecians and Trojans were both in their prime 
 And, vying in battles and dire bloody work, 
 Surpassed in their carnage the terrible Turk. 
 The tale is of days when the knights died for glory 
 And fairly exulted in wars that were gory 
 And not wordy wars, like the Whig and the Tory. 
 The men were all mighty and mighty their deeds, 
 And daring the heroes and dashing their steeds 
 In this ancient war, — till a steed made of wood 
 Accomplished a feat which the Greeks never could 
 And broke through the walls of the Trojan defense. 
 Read Homer and Virgil, — it*s really immense ! 
 
 19 
 
20 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 But Virgil's JEncid and Homer's rare tomes 
 
 Are found in but few of our latter day homes, 
 
 For Homer and Virgil long since passed away; 
 
 And, though it is true they were good in their day 
 
 And gave an authentic account of the fray, 
 
 This Virgil wrote Latin, and Homer could speak 
 
 In only one tongue, which to us is all Greek 
 
 And dead as the Hector whose story we seek. 
 
 And Homer, besides, was as blind as a bat 
 
 And, of course, it is likely, remembering that. 
 
 That over his views you would hardly enthuse. 
 
 So these are the reasons I tackle the Muse 
 
 And summon the goddess of song to draw near 
 
 And lend me the rhymes that will tickle your ear. 
 
 So sing, gentle goddess, your mellowest tones! 
 
 Attend on my task while I rattle the bones 
 
 Of bold Agamemnon, and also the chap. 
 
 The brave son of Thetis — (who started the scrap 
 
 By having a wedding, a popular way 
 
 Of starting a scrap in that dim, distant day). 
 
 The valiant Achilles, who boarded the ship 
 
 For Ilium bound, quite prepared for the trip 
 
 By a plunge in the Styx as a quarantine dip 
 
 To shield him from harm from the Trojans he'd meet 
 
 And to ward from his weapons all chance of defeat. 
 
 Provided his heels never turned in retreat. 
 
 They were capital fellows and, needless to say, 
 
 Their names both began with a capital A ; 
 
 And brave were their comrades and brave were their 
 
 foes. 
 As fearless a phalanx as history knows. 
 
INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY 21 
 
 So sing, gentle goddess, with all of your might ! 
 Sing, sing of this rollicking, roistering fight ! 
 Sing, sing of their glory from morning till night ! 
 And warble, ye Furies, your furious strain 
 While I tell the old story all over again! 
 
II 
 
 ONE PARIS CAUGHT BY THREE OF A 
 
 KIND 
 
II 
 
 ONE PARIS CAUGHT BY THREE OF A KIND 
 
 BACK in the days when gods were young 
 And goddesses were younger, 
 Their heavenly hearts were not immune 
 From amatory hunger. 
 
 And Cupid, when he chanced to peep 
 
 Through their celestial portals, 
 Would often find them making love 
 
 Like ordinary mortals. 
 
 Once Thetis with Peleus he saw 
 
 And straightway took an arrow, 
 Which from his bow struck Thetis' beau 
 
 And pierced him to the marrow. 
 
 Then, as they sauntered arm in arm 
 
 Beside a heavenly river. 
 Her quivering heart was also pierced 
 
 From Daniel Cupid's quiver. 
 
 25 
 
26 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 She looked upon their bleeding wounds; 
 
 And, since the vision shocked her, 
 Peleus called in their many friends 
 
 And then called in the doctor. 
 
 But Doctor ^sculapius. 
 Though greatly in a pother. 
 
 Declared the only thing to take 
 Was each to take the other. 
 
 And so, they married then and there 
 With all the gods assembled; 
 
 Peleus had won her trembling heart 
 While both his knees had trembled. 
 
 And on that happy wedding day 
 The gods were all delighted 
 
 Excepting Eris, who had been 
 For some cause uninvited. 
 
 But, though for such a social slight 
 She felt by no means pleasant. 
 
 She condescended quite enough 
 To send a pretty present. 
 
 Into their midst she deftly threw 
 
 A lovely golden apple, 
 And for it all the dames, like Eve, 
 
 Began to fuss and grapple. 
 
PARIS CAUGHT BY THREE OF A KIND 27 
 
 For on this pretty golden fruit 
 
 Engraved in script the rarest 
 Three simple words were found to be, 
 
 And they were " For the fairest." 
 
 " Of course, this prize is meant for me ! 
 
 Exclaimed the haughty Juno. 
 But thereupon Minerva said, 
 
 " That shows the little you know ; 
 
 " For I*m the fairest of the fair ! 
 
 Let some one choose between us ! " 
 " Although you both are fairly fair, 
 
 I'm fairer still," said Venus. 
 
 And then the three began to fume 
 And fuss and fret and foment, 
 
 'Twas clear the rivalry could not 
 Be settled in a moment. 
 
 Then " Go to Paris," Zeus remarked, 
 (Not meaning France's city) 
 
 " For he is quite a connoisseur 
 At telling who is pretty." 
 
 Therefore, to quiet their complaints. 
 They sought the shepherd Paris 
 
 And bade him on Mount Ida's height 
 Decide who was the fairest. 
 
28 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Said Juno, " I will give you power 
 To choose for me, and riches." 
 
 Minerva promised fame in war 
 And some new fighting breeches. 
 
 Then Venus said, " We three have come 
 That you for charms may weigh us; 
 
 If I'm your choice, expect from me 
 The wife of Menelaus; 
 
 " And Helen is as fair a lass 
 
 As ever put a gem on." 
 To Venus he the apple gave 
 
 And gave the rest a lemon. 
 
Ill 
 
 THE OPENING OF THE SACK 
 
Ill 
 
 THE OPENING OF THE SACK 
 
 IN early days when dates were not, — 
 At least, the dates have been forgot, — 
 King Menelaus had a guest, a handsome 
 Trojan shepherd. 
 Who kept him guessing, for they say 
 He stole his wife and ran away 
 From spot to spot from day to day, 
 And Spartan spotters in dismay 
 Gave up all hope to bring to bay 
 
 This young romantic leopard 
 Who changed his spots and spoiled the plan 
 To overtake the maid and man. 
 
 For Menelaus, like a goose, 
 Went hunting with Idomeneus, 
 
 The King of Crete, — a wild goose chase,- 
 and left the game behind him 
 Which handsome Paris hunted most. 
 
 31 
 
32 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 And, when the king had cleared the coast, 
 He started hunting with the boast 
 That he would teach his roving host 
 To leave a sportsman at his post 
 
 And wander off to find him 
 Some smaller game. " And so," said he, 
 " 1*11 teach the king to hunt for me." 
 
 When Menelaus journeyed back 
 
 Where first his judgment jumped the track 
 
 And viewed the wreck his dulness wrought by 
 being too confiding. 
 He cursed the bold Idomeneus 
 And let his heathen tongue run loose 
 With every manner of abuse 
 And Greek profanity profuse 
 A Grecian king could fitly use 
 
 In such a fit of chiding. 
 " IVe had one chase," he then declared, 
 " But for another I'm prepared ! " 
 
 He hunted Agamemnon out, 
 
 A brother who was big and stout. 
 
 And filled his ears with tales and tears of 
 Helen's wicked cunning; 
 How he by her had been betrayed, 
 A self-declared grass-widow maid 
 Who, with his goods, was lost or strayed 
 Or stolen by that Trojan blade 
 Who at his hostelry had stayed 
 
 While wild boars he was running. 
 
STOLE HIS WIFE AND RAN AWAY 
 
 33 
 
34 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 " But this wild boar," said he, " by gum, 
 I'll run from now till kingdom come ! " 
 
 But Aggie said : " Cheer up, old sport. 
 She really is not quite the sort 
 
 Of damsel who is worthy of such grieving and 
 lamenting. 
 But, if on war your mind is bent 
 And you can't straighten your intent, 
 I'll lend you funds at ten per cent 
 To help you get an armament ; 
 But, lest this sum be rashly spent 
 
 In vengeance unrelenting, 
 Let's go tell Nestor of your plight, — 
 Your purse and nest both empty quite." 
 
 Old Nestor said : " Get all the Greeks 
 And mend your boats and stop the leaks, 
 
 And then put on a special sail while all the 
 trade winds favor. 
 And drive your wares to Priam's shore. 
 Though it may take ten years or more, — 
 What matter if it take a score? 
 Three days of grace or, maybe, four? — 
 Be ready for the sea before 
 
 You pose as her life-saver 
 Who left your home for sunny Troy 
 To be with Mr. Priam's boy." 
 
 And then the brothers in a trice 
 Both took their leave, and his advice, 
 
THE OPENING OF THE SACK 35 
 
 And bounded off to shout throughout the 
 boundaries of Sparta 
 With much ado and lusty lung 
 The song the hoary sage had sung; 
 And beckoned Greeks, both old and young, 
 Whom Helen formerly had stung, — 
 The beaux she long ago had strung, — 
 
 To string their bows to part her 
 From that young rake who, with a smile, 
 Had turned her head to Paris' style. 
 
 For they had sworn in days of yore 
 They'd lose their heads for good before 
 
 They'd let a wrong go unavenged for Helen's 
 chosen suitor. 
 They'd lost their heads in times gone by 
 On her account ; and, with a sigh, 
 They now went forth, prepared to die 
 And watch their bleeding hearts run dry, 
 This mischief-maker to defy 
 
 That off to Troy did scoot her. 
 For they would brave all Trojan thumps 
 To teach that dame their hearts were trumps. 
 
 But bold Ulysses then renigged. 
 Achilles, too, was somewhat twigged 
 
 To have a binding pledge like that before his 
 vision flaunted. 
 Ulysses had a brand new wife 
 He loved so much a brand new knife 
 Could not have cut his love ; and life 
 
36 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Away from her in war and strife 
 Where killing Grecian chiefs was rife 
 
 Was not the life he wanted. 
 He much preferred domestic war 
 To that which he was summoned for. 
 
 He deftly yoked an ox and ass, 
 And to the heavy Johnson grass 
 
 He led his team, and thus did seem to have a 
 stroke of madness. 
 In furrowed field with furrowed brow 
 He wildly started in to plow. 
 And drove his donkey and his cow. 
 But Palamedes mused : " Somehow 
 That he is mad, I can't allow ; ** 
 
 And proved his motive badness. 
 For v/hen Ulysses' babe he dropped 
 Before the plow, Ulysses stopped. 
 
 When thus exposed, he said, " I'll clap 
 Achilles in some subtle trap. 
 
 For he is posing at the court as Lycomedes* 
 daughter 
 To dodge this scrap." And off he popped 
 Robed as a merchant, and he stopped 
 Quite near Achilles, and he propped 
 His peddler's pack, and maidens hopped 
 To view his gems ; but when he dropped 
 
 A weapon made for slaughter, 
 Achilles cried, " By me that's bought ! " 
 But he replied, " My boy, you're caught ! " 
 
THE OPENING OF THE SACK 37 
 
 This cause without a murmur won, 
 Achilles called each Myrmidon 
 
 Who followed him and bade him get his fight- 
 ing tackle ready. 
 Pat Roclus, too, he did persuade 
 To buckle on his trusty blade. 
 Then down to Aulis they essayed. 
 In all their scrapping togs arrayed. 
 And there prepared to bring the maid 
 
 So handsome and so heady 
 By martial arms and war's alarms 
 Again to Menelaus* arms. 
 
 At Aulis rode a thousand ships. 
 Cheered by two hundred thousand lips 
 
 Of warriors bold who braved the cold and 
 longed the day of sailing ; 
 Who there expressed as their belief 
 That Agamemnon should be chief 
 In capturing the Trojan thief 
 And all the herds of Trojan beef 
 He had corralled for his relief. 
 
 And, with no thought of failing, 
 They sacrificed a score of sheep 
 And then steered forth into the deep. 
 
IV 
 
 THE SLOWNESS OF THE FLEET 
 
G 
 
 IV 
 
 THE SLOWNESS OF THE FLEET 
 
 * ' ^^"^ EE whiz ! " shouted Ajax, who stood near 
 the wheel 
 Of the big pilot vessel well drenched by the 
 rain 
 And peered through the darkness. " By ganny, I feel 
 
 We're a little bit off in our bearings again. 
 To one who has traveled the sea it is plain, 
 
 I maintain, 
 The furrow is crooked we've plowed on the main. 
 
 " I know that those lights that appear there ahead 
 
 Are not the street torches of beautiful Troy. 
 It's bound to be some other city instead, 
 For I was at Ilium when I was a boy." 
 He gazed and reached down, while he shivered and 
 shook. 
 
 Roused the cook. 
 Who was sleeping close by, and desired him to look. 
 
 The cook blinked his eyes and then leered at the 
 lights 
 
 And lazily proffered the cheerless remark, 
 " I am always confused when I see things of nights ; 
 
 I am not a night owl and not used to the dark." 
 
 41 
 
42 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 " Then call Agamemnon ! " Ajax blurted out, 
 
 " For I doubt 
 If we all know exactly just what we're about." 
 
 Agamemnon was angry but drowsily slunk 
 To the deck to inquire of the captain pro tern 
 
 The meaning of calling a man from his bunk 
 At the good sleeping hour of 3 130 a. m. 
 
 But then, when the glare of the lights caught his eyes, 
 In surprise 
 
 He cried out, " At last, we're beneath Trojan skies ! " 
 
 They reasoned about it, but Aggie was firm 
 
 And said : " Those are beacons of Troy without 
 fail. 
 So let every soldier start serving his term 
 
 Of chasing these Trojans o'er mountain and vale." 
 And when the command through the galleys had 
 gone. 
 
 They drew on 
 Their heaviest armor and landed at dawn. 
 
 But scarce had they started to ravage the land 
 And learn the extent of its foraging store, 
 
 When Telephus rose with a myriad band 
 
 And drove them all back to the ocean once more. 
 
 In great consternation they buttoned their coats 
 And, like goats. 
 
 Went running and swimming to get to their boats. 
 
 They staggered aboard from a perilous death; 
 They fell on the decks in the uttermost woe ; 
 
THE SLOWNESS OF THE FLEET 43 
 
 They grabbed for the railings, they gasped for their 
 breath 
 While Ajax was muttering, " I told you so ! 
 For this is the land where the Mysians dwell, 
 
 And as well 
 Might a warrior fare in the ovens of Hell ! " 
 
 But to stifle a quarrel, a shudder and groan 
 Came issuing forth from the piloting ship. 
 
 Where Pat Roclus lay with a bad collar bone 
 And a merciless gash in the side of his hip. 
 
 And they all stood aghast at the terrible truth 
 While the youth 
 
 Implored the soothsayer say something forsooth. 
 
 Now it happened Achilles had studied of yore 
 From one Mr. Chiron, a sage of renown. 
 
 The marvelous wisdom of medical lore. 
 
 And pat as an Irishman had the thing down. 
 
 So he said to the druggist, " Go bring on the hop 
 From your shop 
 
 Some Red Cross relief if it's just a cough drop." 
 
 And soon he disclosed such miraculous art 
 
 With powder and poultice, with potion and pill. 
 
 That young Mr. Roclus bounced up with a start 
 And danced the mazurka and polka at will. 
 
 And he romped with such ease in each hop he essayed 
 That a maid 
 
 Would have envied the gusto and grace he displayed. 
 
44 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 But bold Agamemnon was sullen and sore 
 
 In spite of the cheers that emerged from their 
 throats ; 
 And he changed the procedure with violent roar 
 From " On with the dance ! " into " Off with the 
 boats!" 
 " Let us turn,'* he exclaimed, " and return on the 
 main, 
 
 For it's plain 
 We had better go back and start over again." 
 
 > 
 
 So they set sail at once and were soon under way. 
 
 Obeying the bull of their governing sire. 
 With a tinge of defeat and a tear for delay. 
 For Helen had kindled their Hellenic ire. 
 And home from a cruise which their cares did in« 
 crease. 
 
 For release 
 They hopped from the frying pan back into Greece. 
 
V 
 
 THE ILLS OF ILIUM 
 
V 
 
 THE ILLS OF ILIUM 
 
 YOUNG PARIS, because of a dream of his 
 mother, 
 Had always been hidden in some way or 
 other, — 
 For reasons it's hardly worth while now to mention, 
 Except it was feared as a bone of contention 
 This very acceptable, innocent boy 
 Might turn out to be the undoing of Troy. 
 An old sage had said it and, strange though it be, 
 The people all drank in that day of sage tea. 
 So they placed him with sheep to look after the 
 
 flocks, — 
 Where he grew up with beauty and long flowing 
 
 locks. 
 
 (For one who from sheep often sheared his bags full 
 
 Would naturally have an abundance of wool.) 
 
 Now he dwelt in obscurity, so the books say. 
 
 In a perfectly peaceful and pastoral way. 
 
 And he married a sweet little nymph of a wife, 
 
 CEnone by name, and the joy of his life; 
 
 Contented to live and to hoard up his goods 
 
 With his dear little mate like the babes in the woods. 
 
 47 
 
48 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 But learning one day some funereal games 
 Were pending in Troy for the men and the dames, 
 He wandered away from his sylvan retreat 
 And entered the town for a chance to compete. 
 He took every prize from his princely young brothers 
 And mildly suggested to them there were others 
 With some little knowledge of this game and that, — 
 From throwing the discus to town-ball and cat. 
 And, knowing him not as a kinsman of theirs. 
 They were ready to scrap like a couple of bears. 
 When their sister Cassandra stepped in to remark, 
 (For up to this time they were all in the dark) 
 " Why, this is a child of our good papa Priam, 
 Entitled to just as much honor as I am. 
 This lad I can tell by the shade of his hair is 
 Our long lost companion and good brother Paris." 
 So they kissed and made up and averted the fray 
 And sent for CEnone to come right away; 
 And they all lived as happy as birds in a cage, 
 Forgetting the ominous words of the sage. 
 
 You detect now, of course, if youVe read of the tomes 
 One Conan Doyle wrote of his friend Sherlock 
 
 Holmes, 
 That much of this happened some years in advance 
 Of the time when Minerva had proffered the pants 
 And Paris had chosen a different prize 
 At a figure exactly the fair Helen's size. 
 And it's proper to add — (and I'm fond of addition) — 
 When Paris set out on a bold Grecian mission 
 His sister Cassandra was there to advise 
 
THE ILLS OF ILIUM 49 
 
 That he be not deceived by the Grecian maids' eyes. 
 " And if one of them smile," she entreated, " don't 
 
 cop her; 
 The very best thing you can do is to drop her. 
 Those far away maids with the far away look 
 Are not of our class and don't know how to cook. 
 Remember you now have a wife to support 
 And superfluous courting may lead you to court." 
 (The tongue of Cassandra was famed far and near 
 For saying things people regretted to hear.) 
 But, alas, we have seen how a lass won his heart, — 
 A very intense, indispensable part 
 Of himself; and when time came to leave, — well, in 
 
 fact, 
 He just had to bring her to come home intact. 
 
 When Paris returned with foreboding and fear, 
 With a misgiving heart and a live souvenir. 
 He knew that the lies he had told theretofore 
 Were calling in mass for a lively encore. 
 And long he debated just how to express 
 Some plausible ground for his baggage excess; 
 Some likely excuse that would probably go 
 For coming back home with a woman in tow. 
 But Paris was artful and Paris was apt 
 And not a young fox to be easily trapped ; 
 So when he confronted his kith and his kin 
 He made up his story and waded right in. 
 He told of his trip with the vigor cind vim 
 The family needed if it would trip him, 
 
50 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 And stated just how he had met with the maid 
 On some barren island, alone and afraid, 
 Where no vegetation was e'er known to be 
 Until he discovered his family tree 
 Included her, too, for her kindred and kind 
 Had sprung from a similar ancestral line. 
 Then young Deiphobus and Hector did sip 
 A welcoming kiss from the fair Helen's lip; 
 And father and mother each gave her embrace 
 While Paris looked on with a radiant face. 
 And even Cassandra, though loath to believe, 
 Some fond osculation did give and receive. 
 But young Mrs. Paris did not much incline 
 To those doubt-dealing words, " She's a cousin of 
 mine." 
 
 King Priam just then was a very old head 
 Who always thought twice, — often three times in- 
 stead ; 
 For his noodle was gray and was known far and wide 
 For a whole lot of gray that it harbored inside. 
 (It was one you would readily choose in a group 
 As a noodle that seldom would get in the soup.) 
 And the more he reflected the less he could see 
 That Helen was what she purported to be. 
 And the more he suspected his son was no saint, 
 But a lad with heart trouble or kindred complaint. 
 For everywhere Helen would chance to appear 
 It was fifty to one that young Paris was near. 
 And he seemed to regard it a thing to be proved 
 That she as a cousin was not far removed. 
 
THE ILLS OF ILIUM 51 
 
 Now Priam observed her both morning and night 
 
 (In a manner, of course, that was proper and right) 
 
 And he came to conclude that this maiden so meek 
 
 By talent and training was totally Greek. 
 
 So the notion of Priam was nipped in the bud 
 
 That she was a daughter of one of his blood. 
 
 For he thought from the things that he heard and he 
 
 saw 
 She was very much more like a daughter-in-law. 
 
 The king's meditation afforded no ease 
 But stung at his pride like a thousand of bees ; 
 And his solemn reflection the hope did destroy 
 That Helen would prove no reflection on Troy. 
 He sadly recalled with an infinite dread 
 What the seer had seen and the sayer had said. 
 And he sorely regretted, alas and alack. 
 That Paris was one who had really " come back." 
 He called for his counsellors, distant and near, 
 He called for his court and he called for his beer 
 And ever5^hing else that would likely assist 
 And would probably be on a king's calling list. 
 He called upon Glaucus and Sarpedon, too, 
 lEntas and every one else that he knew. 
 On Hector and young Deiphobus, his sons. 
 His petted and pampered and favorite ones, — 
 For all of his boys he had wisely brought up 
 For combat or caucus since Hec was a pup. 
 
 To them he unfolded the terrible tale 
 
 And the vision of war that he saw through the veil 
 
52 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Which Paris had wrapped round the course of events 
 To lead them astray with his sham and pretense. 
 He bade them assemble their militant stores 
 And lay a few mines on the outl5dng shores ; 
 He bade them prepare with their guns and their 
 
 sabers 
 And get upon peaceable terms with their neighbors; 
 He bade them do this and he bade them do that; 
 He bade them have everything perfectly pat ; 
 And when he was sure they would do the thing right 
 He left off his bidding and bade them good-night. 
 
VI 
 A NEW DEPARTURE 
 
VI 
 
 A NEW DEPARTURE 
 
 WHEN first on the ocean the Grecians put 
 ou, 
 And foolishly fell on the Mysian route, 
 They were put out the more and were wholly at sea, 
 For the Mysians met them with rapture and glee 
 And altered their route by omitting the e. 
 I have told this before, 
 But I tell it once more 
 To preface this part, as you'll presently see. 
 
 Now it happened, — a fact I record at this juncture, — 
 That Telephus then got a terrible puncture. 
 (Though tireless was he in the thick of the fight.) 
 He really was in a most pitiful plight, 
 Losing heart in the day, losing sleep in the night. 
 
 In fact, I may say 
 
 In an accurate way 
 From a study of records and books of that day, 
 
 55 
 
56 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 He suffered much pain from his feet to his jaws 
 In his whole constitution and kingly by-laws. 
 (The chieftain whose spear had inflicted the blow 
 That put him in peril and pestered him so 
 Was valiant Achilles, as most of you know.) 
 So he went to the oracle, — that was the fad, — 
 And recounted the aches and the anguish he had 
 And disclosed how a chief of the visiting clan 
 Had made out of him a most painstaking man. 
 
 The oracle bathed in the Castalian Spring 
 And sat on her tripod and started to sing. 
 Which was quite the approved and the popular 
 thing. 
 
 She quaffed from her cup 
 
 A most liberal sup 
 And with sulphurous vapors essayed to smoke up 
 Until she was properly steamed and incensed 
 To tell of the course of the coming events. 
 And thus fumigated, befitting her station, 
 She gave out her final and firm affirmation 
 With very sane words and correct sanitation, 
 And said of the wound, if he could not endure it, 
 The gent who had caused it could readily cure it. 
 
 And so, for a trip 
 
 He packed up his grip 
 And hurried aboard his imperial ship 
 And came to Achilles and opened his case 
 With a hope in his heart and a tear on his face 
 And a bandage or two on the troublesome place. 
 
A NEW DEPARTURE 57 
 
 The brave son of Thetis examined his frame 
 And then took his picture and, also, his name, 
 And gave him some dope and a bill for the same. 
 
 In less than a week 
 
 He was chubby and sleek 
 And waxing as fat as a corpulent freak. 
 And when he was thus undeniably healed. 
 The valiant Achilles implored and appealed 
 That as an expression of thanks and of joy 
 He'd act as their pilot in sailing to Troy 
 To take away Helen from King Priam's boy. 
 " For he," said Achilles, " has stolen the queen 
 On whom Menelaus asserts a prior lien ; 
 And we have all sworn to recover the loss 
 And transport her home, where alone with her boss 
 As a bird in the hand she can gather no moss." 
 And when bold Ulysses requested it, too. 
 He finally yielded to pilot them through. 
 Which, likely as not, was the wise thing to do. 
 
 Now big Agamemnon went out for a lark 
 
 On the day that the ships were supposed to embark 
 
 And didn't come back until way after dark. 
 
 It was really a pity, 
 
 And very unpretty 
 On one who was truly the pride of the city. 
 (I wish I could alter this part of my ditty.) 
 
 And, which was still worse, 
 
 He brought down a curse 
 On all of his mates by his manners perverse. 
 
58 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 For while in the throes of the ill-advised jag 
 That caused their departure to falter and flag, 
 He gave a stag party and slaughtered a stag 
 That some heathen goddess had raised as a pet 
 And wasn't quite ready to sacrifice yet. 
 
 The goddess thereby 
 
 Wore a lachrymose eye 
 And pined for the hind with a pitiful cry, 
 Now heaving a brick, now heaving a sigh 
 At bold Agamemnon who caused it to die. 
 
 Though thoroughly ruffled, she called for a calm 
 
 On all of the sea as a sort of a balm 
 
 For her sorrowing soul, for while it was still 
 
 The Greeks were dependent on her solemn will 
 
 With never a zephyr their canvas to fill. 
 
 " And now," murmured she, " if the council and court 
 
 Are bent upon drinking, I'll keep them in port." 
 
 No sign of a breeze on the sea or the land. 
 
 No kind of a wave but a wave of the hand 
 
 Appeared to encourage the bellicose band; 
 
 And there they remained in the surf and the sand, — 
 
 A very sad state, as you all understand. 
 
 In these dire conditions, 
 
 Their big politicians 
 Were called to discourse on their lofty ambitions. 
 For no other course that they happened to know 
 Could offer such wind or such vigorous blow. 
 But even this plan was predestined to fciil 
 And leave in repose every indolent sail. 
 
A NEW DEPARTURE 59 
 
 Then Calchas, a crabbed old cuss with the colic, 
 Stepped in to opine that the case was symbolic 
 And meant that the goddess would furnish no breeze 
 Until they got down on their penitent knees 
 And sought her displeasure to quell and appease 
 By making amends for the ill-fated slaughter 
 And offering up Agamemnon's young daughter. 
 
 But Aggie demurred 
 
 And warmly averred 
 That such a design should be dropped or deferred ; 
 Of such a proceeding he never had heard 
 And didn't believe one had ever occurred. 
 But when they had voted, he found in a jiffy 
 He'd have to surrender his dear little Iffy, — 
 For that was the name that he called her for short, 
 But he called them some names of a different sort. 
 He yielded, at length, — not a bountiful yield, — 
 And Iffy was called from her work in the field 
 And bound hand and foot with a sob and a sigh 
 And put on the altar like one bound to die. 
 
 But, maybe, you've read in the works of one Schiller 
 
 In spite of this flurry they never did kill her, 
 
 For just when the knife was approaching her face, 
 
 (I don't mean she ate with a knife) in her place 
 
 The goddess provided a beautiful deer 
 
 And kept her away from a taste of the bier, — 
 
 A worthy performance to chronicle here. 
 
 The goddess enveloped the maid in a cloud 
 
 And bore her aloft from the wondering crowd 
 
6o PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 To serve in her temple, and then she let out 
 The winds that the Greeks were so anxious about. 
 
 With Telephus stationed in state at the helm 
 They slid o'er the sea like a slippery elm, 
 While King Menelaus with ardent emotion 
 Was singing " My bonnie lies over the ocean." 
 
 And over the main 
 
 Again and again 
 Their voices rolled out as they joined the refrain, 
 For each of them felt it was perfectly clear 
 His beautiful bonnie would lie anywhere. 
 
 At length, to the gaze of the carolling crew 
 
 The island of Tenedos popped into view, — 
 
 A very attractive and pleasant retreat 
 
 Where they stopped on their way twenty minutes to 
 
 eat. 
 They scampered ashore with a good appetite 
 Intent to indulge in a nourishing bite. 
 But one Philoctetes a bite did procure 
 Like Bosco and Esau are paid to endure. 
 A snake gave it to him, — which leads me to think 
 He left off his eating for something to drink. 
 For often a man with a thirsting to slake 
 In quenching his craving encounters a snake. 
 
 This man was an archer, the best of the crew, 
 A broad-minded man but an arrow-man, too. 
 
A NEW DEPARTURE 6i 
 
 Who, like the most popular girl that you know, 
 On every occasion was blessed with a bow. 
 I shouldn't record it unless it were so. 
 
 He started to prance 
 
 In a serpentine dance, — 
 While all his associates eyed him askance, — 
 And grabbed at his foot, his calamitous member, 
 And grew quite as cold as the last of December. 
 The doctor, the proper demands to enforce. 
 Took note of his trouble, — a footnote, of course, — 
 Reminding Achilles how proud he should feel 
 It wasn't his foot or his vulnerable heel. 
 
 They patiently carried the patient aboard 
 And gave him whatever the ships could afford 
 To lighten his gloom and diminish his fear 
 And put in repair his impaired running gear. 
 
 They opened a jug 
 
 Of the juice of the bug 
 And placed to his face a most bountiful mug 
 To warm his emotions and make him feel snug. 
 
 He did very well, 
 
 I am happy to tell. 
 Until a most vile, disagreeable smell 
 Came issuing forth from his snake-bitten toes 
 That wasn't at all like the attar of rose, — 
 In fact, 'twas offensive to every one's nose. 
 (The subject is one that I care not to treat, — 
 I don't wish to hamper my verse with bad feet, — 
 And etiquette makes it a topic of doubt, 
 But it's all in the tale, so I can't leave it out. 
 
62 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 It's a matter I trust you'll be lenient about.) 
 
 They journeyed to Lesbos and there made him land 
 
 And left him alone on the beach and the sand 
 
 In very bad odor with all of the band. 
 
VII 
 
 THE SHORE LINES 
 
 (A Littoral Version) 
 
VII 
 
 THE SHORE LINES 
 (A Littoral Version) 
 
 I NEVER shall forget the day 
 The Greeks arrived at Troy, 
 And what the classics have to say 
 About their pride and joy; 
 The ardor and alacrity 
 
 Of all that happy band 
 To cease the seeing of the sea 
 And land upon the land. 
 
 How Agamemnon would not brook 
 
 Postponement of the sack, 
 But bade them listen, stop and look 
 
 And get upon the track 
 Of every Trojan in those parts 
 
 Of mountains, hills and plains, 
 And with their arrows and their darts 
 
 Inflict their shooting pains. 
 
 How Hector met them at the coasts 
 
 When first they did appear 
 And said : " We do not come as hosts, 
 
 Though hosts of us are here. 
 
 65 
 
66 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 We really have no appetite 
 
 For such excursion trips, 
 But do not fear your barque or bite 
 
 Or catalogue of ships. 
 
 " Although you will not find," said he, 
 
 " A welcome on our mat, 
 We humbly trust your company 
 
 Will not stand back at that. 
 For when our javelins and spears 
 
 Have chased you to your boats. 
 They will for welcome, like your jeers, 
 
 Be sticking in your throats." 
 
 " We'll put you on a show or two ! " 
 
 Came back the Grecian goad. 
 " Then we will wait," said Hec, " to view 
 
 The animals unload." 
 And so, 'twas clear, while quibbling thus. 
 
 That something would be doing. 
 And even silent Telephus 
 
 Could tell a fuss was brewing. 
 
 Now some old witch had said of yore 
 
 So all the Greeks could get it. 
 The first to put his foot ashore 
 
 Would not live to regret it. 
 And when Protesilaus brave 
 
 Stepped on the land to try it, 
 He fell into a hero's grave 
 
 And left a widow by it. 
 
THE SHORE LINES 67 
 
 (This tragic incident, alas, 
 
 It grieves me to insert ; 
 'Twas, like the stylish demi tasse, 
 
 Beyond the man's dessert.) 
 But Mercury his soul did pack 
 
 To realms of high renown, 
 For Mercury had quite a knack 
 
 Of going up and down. 
 
 The Greeks beheld with tearful eyes 
 
 Their patriot distressed, 
 And praised his valor to the skies 
 
 Where he had gone to rest. 
 And that the world at large might know 
 
 The merit of his capers. 
 They cabled back a page or so 
 
 To all the Grecian papers. 
 
 Inspirited by his demise. 
 
 They all were pining for 
 A chance to star and advertise 
 
 The theater of war. 
 And when upon the stage they drew 
 
 In bellicose array. 
 The Trojans, mindful of their cue, 
 
 Took steps to get away. 
 
 The Grecians they could not withstand 
 
 With all their kin and kith ; 
 And since the Greeks were not a band 
 
 That they had standing with. 
 
68 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 They let discretion be their guide 
 
 And beat a sure retreat, 
 While all the Grecians viewed with pride 
 
 The quickness of their feat. 
 
 Within their walls they then retired 
 
 Like prisoners in the pen, — 
 Except no one of them desired 
 
 To be without again. 
 For there they felt each troubled heart 
 
 Could know a sweet repose 
 While fate, alert to take their part, 
 
 Made faces at their foes. 
 
 The Greeks, Achilles in the lead, 
 
 Essayed to storm the town; 
 The men of Troy with skill and speed 
 
 Serenely mowed them down. 
 The ardor of the sacking crew 
 
 Had this defeat to dim it ; 
 And every mother's scrapper knew 
 
 The fight would go the limit. 
 
 Then Aggie bade them bring their boats 
 
 More near the battlements. 
 Erect their huts and dig their moats 
 
 And keep their zeal in tents. 
 " Because I recognize at once," 
 
 Said he, " it now appears 
 This war will last for months and months 
 
 And years and years and years." 
 
THE SHORE LINES 69 
 
 Between the foes a mighty plain 
 
 Was plainly to be seen, — 
 Of brownish hue in winter's reign 
 
 And in the summer green. 
 And thereupon the soldiers bold 
 
 Did constantly compete 
 Throughout the frosty winters* cold 
 
 And balmy summers' heat. 
 
 Thus playing hot and cold, their strife 
 
 Continued to abide, 
 With naught to change the course of life, 
 
 Except for them that died. 
 For often on the battleground 
 
 They fought and ran away. 
 And then, to prove the adage sound. 
 
 They fought another day. 
 
 (It now behooves me to digress 
 
 And let you know about 
 A gossipy unpleasantness 
 
 That made some Greeks fall out. 
 But, while you feast upon it, still 
 
 You'll bear in mind, perhaps. 
 The rank and file with dogged will 
 
 Are busy with the scraps.) 
 
VIII 
 A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 
 
VIII 
 
 A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 
 
 WHEN the Grecians had conquered the 
 neighboring towns 
 And had made up a list of the loot, 
 They could boast every trophy from sandals to 
 crowns, 
 And some other good booty to boot. 
 It is said they had more than a whole racket store 
 
 In the number and kinds of the things, — 
 Quite enough to inspire any poetic liar 
 Or awaken- the goddess who sings. 
 
 O, in fact, I may say that it seemed such a prize, 
 
 Such a treasure of comfort and cheer, 
 It was poetic salve in the blind Homer's eyes 
 
 And he opened the Iliad here. 
 And his pupils dilate, I am happy to state. 
 
 When they scan through his epic complete. 
 And they forge far ahead of the average biped 
 
 As they measure each line with six feet. 
 
 Now the Grecians regarded this plunder with pride 
 And with boasting, bravado and brag. 
 
 And they firmly decided whatever should betide 
 They would firmly be tied to the swag. 
 
 73 
 
74 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Of the odds and the ends they declared dividends, 
 
 And the ratio to each mother's son 
 Of the silver and gold, when the lot was all told, 
 
 Was the ominous sixteen to one. 
 
 Achilles clandestinely picked out a maid 
 
 Who was known as Briseis by name ; 
 And Aggie accepted Chryseis in trade 
 
 For a partial release of his claim. 
 (These names, by the way, are not easy to say 
 
 And may hinder the flow of my song ; 
 But they're plain as can be if you'll accent the e 
 
 And will make them three syllables long.) 
 
 This damsel Chryseis was blessed with a dad 
 
 Who was christened Chryses at his birth, 
 And he brought on some crises exceedingly bad 
 
 And most woefully lacking in mirth. 
 As a sober old priest he had risen like yeast 
 
 As a man who was worthy to follow, 
 And his form was as grand as the eye could demand, 
 
 For he served at the shrine of Apollo. 
 
 For a sail on the sea to the camp of the Greeks 
 He embarked to entreat for his daughter. 
 
 With his haversack loaded with liver and leeks 
 And some Apollo-naris for water. 
 
 And the onions he took were not only to cook 
 But with teardrops his eyes to bedim. 
 
HE OPENED THE ILIAD HERE 
 
 75 
 
76 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 For he fully believed, since the Greeks were well- 
 greaved, 
 They would look for some grieving in him. 
 
 In a trice and a jiffy he sought Aggie out 
 
 And he started right in to implore 
 He would give up the maid he was crazy about 
 
 From the place that she had in his store. 
 " For we need her," he cried, " at our own fireside ; 
 
 And IVe brought you a ransom of worth." 
 But Aggie in glee bade him take to the sea, — 
 
 Or, in other words, get off the earth. 
 
 " I shall never comply with your doleful demand," 
 
 Shouted Aggie, " so hike to your ship 
 And peddle your woes in your own native land 
 
 If your ticket includes the round trip." 
 Then the priest grew so sore I'm afraid that he 
 swore, — 
 
 Though his calling and craft taught him better, — 
 And he urged that a thief could be made of a chief 
 
 By the simple exchange of a letter. 
 
 But alas and alack, — and, perhaps, well-a-day, — 
 
 For the priest was denuded of hope ; 
 And he bowed to Apollo in direful dismay 
 
 And devoutly inquired for the dope. 
 And Apollo gave heed to his minister's need 
 
 By releasing a dreadful disease 
 Which afflicted the Greeks for a couple of weeks 
 
 While the Trojans continued at ease. 
 
A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 77 
 
 The commanders all looked with the gravest distrust 
 
 On the plague, and they sought to undo it, 
 For a thousand good soldiers were biting the dust 
 
 And returning unduly unto it. 
 And the companies, too, of the insurance crew, 
 
 As the Grecians grew fewer and fewer. 
 Would solicit no risk while the dying was brisk 
 
 But discreetly declined to insure. 
 
 Then Achilles opined they were pining because 
 
 Agamemnon had slighted the priest 
 And had sent him away with derisive guffaws 
 
 And behavior befitting a beast. 
 So he summoned the troops in appropriate groups 
 
 And unfolded the cause of the curse 
 Till the infantry swore, " We are sickly and sore 
 
 But there's something on foot even worse." 
 
 He recited with feeling the lay of the land. 
 
 (And they say his reciting was fine. 
 He could tell of the deck where the boy took his stand 
 
 And of Bingen that lay on the Rhine.) 
 And when Calchas concurred in each eloquent word 
 
 They approved with such lusty " Amen " 
 That Achilles with zest proudly poked out his chest 
 
 And recited it over again. 
 
 Then they called Aggie up and they called Aggie 
 down. 
 And Achilles began to express 
 
78 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 How the cheek of the chief was the talk of the town 
 
 In a very unwelcome address. 
 He implored and he prayed he would give up the 
 maid 
 
 To return to her own native coast 
 Since the soldiers in mass on account of the lass 
 
 Seemed predestined to give up the ghost. 
 
 Now the cup of the anger of Aggie was full 
 
 As he heard the complaints of the men. 
 He was mad as a hornet or mad as a bull 
 
 Or as mad as an old setting hen. 
 And he flashed out his ire like a volcanic fire 
 
 In a manner so shockingly bad 
 That the medical crew said no tonics they knew 
 
 Could relieve the eruptions he had. 
 
 In a violent temper he vented his spleen 
 
 And berated his censors at will, — 
 For he lived in a day when the doctors were green 
 
 And the spleen had a mission to fill. 
 In impetuous rage upon Calchas, the sage, 
 
 He bespoke maledictions galore, 
 For he harbored a grudge at this self-christened judge 
 
 Who had sentenced his daughter before. 
 
 But he saved up the sauciest things he could say 
 
 To bestow on Achilles for spite. 
 And he spoke them in such an opprobrious way 
 
 That Achilles was ready to fight. 
 
A DISCORD IN ASIA MINOR 79 
 
 And they squabbled and swore in such verbal up- 
 roar, — 
 
 Like the rabble in dissolute brawls, — 
 That the army stood mute at the awful dispute 
 
 And the Trojans peeped over the walls. 
 
 But, at length, Agamemnon allowed their demand. 
 
 And they all were in glee till he said: 
 " I will discard the queen that I hold in my hand 
 
 And will draw for another instead. 
 As a maiden in lieu Miss Briseis will do, 
 
 And with her I'll be wholly content ; 
 So Chryseis may flee from her sojourn with me 
 
 And may go where Eurydice went." 
 
 Then Briseis wept tears that were bitter as gall 
 
 And Achilles grew crabbed and sour, — 
 For they did not incline to the verdict at all, 
 
 Though to change it was out of their power. 
 So the maid said good-bye with a watery eye 
 
 While Achilles was bursting with grief ; 
 But their tragical woe was a comical show 
 
 To the satisfied gaze of the chief. 
 
 " I can ne*er be resigned," said Achilles, in scorn, 
 " To the judgment of such a gossoon ; 
 
 But I can be resigned until Gabriers horn 
 From your horse and your foot and dragoon. 
 
 So you'll strike from your list, I most firmly insist. 
 Both myself and my Myrmidons brave ; 
 
8o PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 For we'll laugh at your woe when you run from the 
 foe 
 And will scatter no blooms on your grave." 
 
 Then he wandered away, but he left with the band 
 
 All the horns a dilemma provides, — 
 Not the kind that's adapted to music's demand, 
 
 And his brass didn't suit them, besides. 
 While they rattled and swore, he repaired to the shore 
 
 Where he sought his emotion to smother 
 By reducing his grief with the cheering relief 
 
 Of a long distance call for his mother. 
 
IX 
 
 A COMBATIVE TURN 
 (From the Scrap Books of Virgil and Homer) 
 
IX 
 
 A COMBATIVE TURN 
 (From the Scrap Books of Virgil and Homer) 
 
 COME list, come list, come list to me ! — 
 An overture from which you'll see 
 We've reached a place where sense insists 
 That we devote some space to lists. 
 Not Liszt, the music man of fame 
 (I make no play upon the name), 
 Not lists of gifts or laundry duds. 
 Subscription lists or family bloods. 
 But lists whose crimson fields of shame 
 As lists of casualty became. 
 Where foe met foe and didn't speak, — 
 (Perhaps the Trojans knew no Greek 
 Or Grecians didn't understand 
 The jabber of the Trojan band) ; 
 Where men of mettle went to tilt 
 And drove their metal to the hilt 
 
 83 
 
84 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 In any unprotected place 
 
 Between the waist line and the face ; 
 
 Where rivals raged like bulls and bears 
 
 And stocks of steel were doubtful shares 
 
 And holdings of uncertain luck 
 
 By which a fellow might get stuck; 
 
 Where each contender sought to joust 
 
 Just like Mephisto after Faust 
 
 With all the scenery complete 
 
 And Helen playing Marguerite. 
 
 Now to resume our mournful lay 
 
 Just where this preface led astray, 
 
 We find Achilles on the beach 
 
 When Aggie picked his precious peach, 
 
 A peach to gladden any man 
 
 But not the proper sort to can. 
 
 (The kind, in fact, we only see 
 
 Upon a graceful family tree.) 
 
 With head agog and heart astew, 
 
 He looked aloft intent to view 
 
 The Irish stars he liked the best, — 
 
 O'Ryan sloping to the West, 
 
 And near at hand in radiant show 
 
 Night-blooming Sirius aglow. 
 
 But clouds obscured the cheering sight, — 
 
 And then, besides, 'twas hardly night, 
 
 And heavenly stars have not the way 
 
 Of shining at a matinee. 
 
 He cast his eyes upon the ground 
 
 But there no consolation found, 
 
A COMBATIVE TURN 85 
 
 So out he leered upon the sea 
 To seek a balm of mirth and glee. 
 He there beheld to check his wrath 
 His mother coming from the bath, — 
 For Thetis through a family fault 
 Took everything that came with salt. 
 (Perhaps the reader will not fail 
 To sprinkle some upon this tale.) 
 
 The mother looked upon the youth 
 And soon discerned the tragic truth 
 Depicted in his face and form 
 Betokening the inward storm. 
 Besides, Achilles told her much 
 That made his feelings wear a crutch. 
 " Sit steady in the boat," she cried, 
 " And do not rock from side to side. 
 Your policy to dodge the scraps 
 Is one too valuable to lapse 
 Till each of these deriding scamps 
 Upon your life a premium stamps. 
 On me for aid you may depend 
 To see this matter to the end, 
 For I will pray fire-darting Zeus 
 With his renowned electric juice 
 To make a lightning change for you 
 Upon the general Grecian view." 
 With these remarks she went below, 
 Much like a submarine would go, 
 And he perceived with knowing eyes 
 That much beneath the surface lies. 
 
86 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 A Trojan spy quite near the Greek 
 Was boldly playing hide and seek 
 When brave Achilles heard the way 
 His mother's wit would save the day. 
 By winding paths with much dispatch, 
 Through many a thorn- and briar-patch, 
 The spy returned with notes complete, 
 And countless splinters in his feet. 
 To let the Trojan leaders know 
 Achilles' troupe had quit the show 
 And in engagements then devised 
 Would not appear as advertised. 
 The Trojans gave a shout of joy 
 That jarred the Grecian hoi polloi. 
 And notified the fruitful spy 
 He was the apple of their eye. 
 They then discreetly sallied out 
 To put the sacking crew to rout 
 With bugle and with blunderbuss 
 And other means of fight and fuss. 
 
 The Grecians ran with main and might 
 And broke some records in their flight, 
 While Hector's band upon their tracks 
 Made live pin-cushions of their backs. 
 With many a hack they drove them on 
 Until their power to charge was gone 
 And all the Greeks had run away 
 In wild confusion and dismay. 
 Bold Agamemnon bore a scratch 
 Inflicted in the running match, 
 
A COMBATIVE TURN 87 
 
 And brave Achilles, quite content, 
 Refused to lend him liniment. 
 Then Hector sent a verbal fire 
 To further stimulate his ire 
 And said his Greeks he ought to use 
 For restaurants or shining shoes 
 Since they had clearly learned to fight 
 From correspondence schools at night. 
 (From all of which you will deduce 
 That Thetis had a pull with Zeus.) 
 
 Within the shelter of his ships 
 
 Bold Agamemnon bit his lips 
 
 And all his warriors bemeaned 
 
 That Hector had them quarantined. 
 
 " You fight,'* said he, " just like the men 
 
 Who like to hear the count of ten 
 
 While grovelling upon the floor 
 
 Which they have painted with their gore. 
 
 If you would square yourselves with me, 
 
 Avert this harsh catastrophe." 
 
 Then Nestor said : " Send back the maid 
 
 Who erstwhile with Achilles stayed, 
 
 And give him, too, to stop the strife 
 
 Your blushing daughter for a wife, 
 
 With seven towns to make him glad, — 
 
 As many homes as Homer had. 
 
 All other aid you summon is 
 
 As lemon-aid compared with his." 
 
 Then, loath to do it, Aggie said: 
 
 " Although I'd rather see him dead. 
 
88 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 It seems the only ray of hope, 
 So hasten to him with the dope. 
 To take this pill I will agree 
 Lest all the Trojans pillage me." 
 
 When Aggie gave his sad assent, 
 
 A suitable committee went, — 
 
 Ulysses, Ajax, Phoenix, three 
 
 Well versed in notes of harmony, — 
 
 To bear the gifts and compliments 
 
 Which Aggie sent in penitence. 
 
 Achilles was a settled guy 
 
 Most difficult to mollify, — 
 
 Not one to soften or retreat 
 
 Like butter melting in the heat. 
 
 He listened to the pleading notes 
 
 The trio warbled from their throats, 
 
 But not a tone could they emit 
 
 Which served to change his tune a bit. 
 
 " I am determined," he opined, 
 
 " To keep my present state of mind. 
 
 You're barking up an empty tree 
 
 If you would make your game of me." 
 
 Then, like the noted King of France, 
 
 The trio down the hill did prance. 
 
 Gift-bearing Greeks who could not bribe 
 
 This fellow-member of their tribe. 
 
 They sauntered up to Aggie's court 
 
 With their unfavorable report 
 
 And begged their findings be perused 
 
 And their committee then excused. 
 
A COMBATIVE TURN 89 
 
 The Trojans now came out for fair, 
 
 With pennants floating in the air, 
 
 The Grecian colors to pursue 
 
 And change them into black and blue, — 
 
 While Jove in jovial delight 
 
 Looked on with favor at the fight, 
 
 And all the other gods took part 
 
 To help the cause they had at heart. 
 
 The Trojans hurried to the ships 
 
 And took some kerosene and chips 
 
 To kindle both the Grecian ire 
 
 And one consuming Trojan fire 
 
 Which would the fleeing foe avail 
 
 To undertake a fire sail. 
 
 By such a sortie sorely shamed 
 
 The Grecian soldiers were inflamed, 
 
 And Ajax shouted to the foe 
 
 Advising Hector where to go. 
 
 But Hector looked him in the face 
 
 And hurled his lance with skill and grace 
 
 And struck him near the boiling point 
 
 And nearly knocked him out of joint. 
 
 When Ajax rallied from the harm 
 He limbered up his pitching arm 
 And picked a stone from out the dirt 
 As large as decks an actor's shirt. 
 With speed he tossed the sphere to Hec 
 And caught him full upon the neck 
 And sent him sprawling to the earth 
 Despite his boasted upper birth. 
 
go PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 (How strange a chief who stood so pat 
 Should fall for such a thing as that!) 
 His comrades hastened to his side 
 And proper remedies applied, 
 Advising in his next outburst 
 He heed the maxim, " Safety first." 
 Then up he bounded from the ground 
 And started on another round. 
 Now striking left, now striking right 
 Till striking Greeks refused to fight. 
 
 Pat Roclus from a vantage spot 
 Observed that things were getting hot, 
 And off he skipped to Nestor's tent 
 To tell of their predicament. 
 The hoary Nestor wisely spoke 
 With eyelids moistened by the smoke 
 Emerging from the burning ships, 
 And burning words escaped his lips : 
 " Seek out Achilles and procure 
 At once his present temperature. 
 Of all beneath the Grecian rule 
 It seems that he alone is cool. 
 Invite him back into the fray 
 With promises of extra pay 
 To save us from the Trojan guns 
 Together with his Myrmidons." 
 
 Then Pat proceeded to the place 
 Where bold Achilles hid his face 
 
A COMBATIVE TURN 91 
 
 From Agamemnon's slings and slurs 
 And curious photographers. 
 He found Achilles disinclined 
 To modify his frame of mind 
 Or buckle on his fighting clothes 
 In their receiving line to pose. 
 " Go tell them, Pat," said he, in hate, 
 ** Their invitation comes too late. 
 I'll neither go nor send regrets 
 To parties in their social sets. 
 Though vivisection is so base, 
 I'm for it in the present case; 
 And ere I'd help relieve their fears 
 I'd see them cut to souvenirs." 
 (He mixed his rhetoric, of course. 
 But wouldn't mix with Aggie's force.) 
 
 Just then as flames went leaping high 
 
 From Grecian galleys standing by, 
 
 Achilles thought about his flame, — 
 
 Briseis was the maiden's name. 
 
 " Perhaps," mused he, " this damsel fair 
 
 Is languishing in anguish there 
 
 In pain too great to be endured, — 
 
 And, like the vessels, uninsured." 
 
 He then relented just a bit. 
 
 But good Pat Roclus noticed it 
 
 And said: " O, come on, be a sport! 
 
 I'll take your soldiers to report 
 
 If you prefer to stay and rest. 
 
 Just have your suit of armor pressed 
 
92 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 And let me wear it to the fray. 
 It ought to fit me, anyway. 
 And they will think that I am you, 
 And I will show a thing or two 
 To let them know I'm up to snuff 
 At pulling off this fighting stuff. 
 Come on, I say, and show you're game, 
 And you will see that I'm the same." 
 
 Achilles thought a time or two 
 
 And pondered what he ought to do. 
 
 Then out he spoke, — (in fact, they say 
 
 He was outspoken, anyway). 
 
 " My Myrmidons," said he, " as such 
 
 Are fighting none and eating much 
 
 And putting me to great expense 
 
 And bringing nothing in as rents. 
 
 On this account you may proceed 
 
 To have their service for their feed 
 
 In sewing up the Trojan sack, — 
 
 But don't forget to bring them back." 
 
 He summoned then the Myrmidons 
 
 And bade them clean their swords and guns 
 
 And follow where Pat Roclus led 
 
 And do whatever Patrick said. 
 
 Into the scrap all span and spick. 
 To thin it out where it was thick. 
 They hurried on in armored suits. 
 With Patrick in Achilles' boots. 
 
A COMBATIVE TURN 93 
 
 The Greeks beheld with rare delight 
 
 The band returning to the fight, 
 
 And gave them greeting in a shout 
 
 That turned their voices inside out. 
 
 The Trojans took a look at Pat 
 
 And, like a mouse would dodge a cat, 
 
 They scampered back through brakes and bogs 
 
 In terror from Achilles' togs. 
 
 The ones who went to bum the boats 
 
 Would not take time to get their coats, 
 
 But fled in fear with speed and skill 
 
 Like bob-sleds sliding down a hill. 
 
 The Grecians quenched the flames in haste 
 
 And after fleeing Trojans raced, 
 
 Who ran as fast to reach the gates 
 
 As most successful candidates. 
 
 But Sarpedon in valor tried 
 
 To stay his hosts and stem the tide, 
 
 And threw a spear into the flock 
 
 That missed young Pat a city block. 
 
 Pat Roclus then let loose a lance 
 
 That struck the seat of Sarpy's pants, — 
 
 (Which means, — the joke is old in part, — 
 
 It hit him square upon the heart) . 
 
 Then Sarpedon gave up the strife. 
 
 Laid down his weapons and his life 
 
 And from his work of war retired 
 
 Since his subscription had expired. 
 
 Pat Roclus then began to strut 
 
 And yelled, " Ha! Ha! I've killed the mut! " 
 
94 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 But pride, like summer, you recall, 
 Is likely to precede a fall. 
 When Sarpy, like a falling star, 
 Went down with glory and a jar. 
 Brave Hector bubbled o'er with grief 
 And wept into his handkerchief. 
 Said he : " I'll teach this roustabout, 
 Who knocked my worthy chieftain out. 
 That he must straightway meet his fate 
 In scrapping me, a heavyweight." 
 He bade his chauffeur fill his car 
 With oil and gas and tools of war 
 And drive him out upon the field 
 Where Patrick stood with spear and shield. 
 (His car had not consumed his hoard ; 
 He bought one that he could — afford.) 
 
 Pat Roclus aimed a heavy stone 
 At Hector's massive collar bone 
 Which missed the gallant Trojan peer 
 But made him drop his charioteer. 
 Then Hector screamed with scornful cry: 
 " Come one, come all, your rocks may fly. 
 But you will learn when in my reach 
 Some other pebbles deck the beach ! '* 
 " Indeed ! " quoth Patrick, in a huff. 
 " You've met a guy to call your bluff. 
 Prepare yourself, for I shall knock 
 Your trunk from underneath your block ! " 
 Then foe to foe and face to face 
 They battled all about the place. 
 
A COMBATIVE TURN 95 
 
 Each keen to offer tit for tat 
 And lay his adversary flat. 
 
 At last, Hec got the upper hand 
 
 And brought his rival to the land, 
 
 Remarking as he dealt the blow, 
 
 ** YouVe struck your match and out you go." 
 
 Poor Pat fell prostrate with a thud 
 
 And bathed the battlefield in blood, — 
 
 And Harvard clansmen all agree 
 
 It was a crimson victory. 
 
 But Patrick spent his final breath, 
 
 His ruling passion strong in death, 
 
 To taunt his foe with warnings grim 
 
 About the fate awaiting him. 
 
 Said he : " I*m gone past hope of cures, 
 
 But, Mr. Hector, you'll get yours. 
 
 Achilles, when he hears my doom, 
 
 Will promptly offer Hec a tomb." 
 
 Unheeding, Hector stripped the lad 
 
 Of all the armament he had, 
 
 And said : " I'll keep Achilles' suit 
 
 And wear it in my next dispute. 
 
 You will not grieve in such a state 
 
 To lose so much of surplus weight." 
 
 Another controversy then 
 Arose among the fighting men, — 
 A habeas corpus sort of spat 
 To get the custody of Pat. 
 
96 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 The Greeks maintained the Trojans had 
 Improperly purloined the lad 
 With force and arms and other ways, 
 Or vi et armis, — classic phrase. 
 The controversy grew so great 
 There was no chance to arbitrate ; 
 And Jove, to end the martial sport, 
 Assumed the functions of a court. 
 He turned a damper on the broil 
 By yielding Patrick's mortal coil 
 Unto the Greeks; and with a scoff 
 The testy Trojans shuffled off. 
 
X 
 
 A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 
 
X 
 
 A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 
 
 WHEN Achilles was told of his follower's 
 fate, 
 It is needless to say that his sorrow was 
 great ; 
 And he wept like a willow 
 All over his pillow 
 And buried his head like a wild armadillo 
 Beneath all the sheets that he had on his bed 
 And the blankets and quilts that were over them 
 
 spread. 
 He could not have mourned more if his debtors were 
 
 dead. 
 But his couch lacked the solace he sought for relief, 
 Which was, namely, a comfort to cover his grief. 
 All alone with his woes 
 He could find no repose. 
 While a pain in his heart held him fast in its throes 
 And a counterpane surged from his head to his toes. 
 
 99 
 
100 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 A hard state to govern, as any one knows. 
 
 He called out for Pat 
 
 In the pitch of B flat, 
 (An appropriate pitch, we must all admit that,) 
 And he cried to his spirit : " Wherever you mix 
 With the stacks of good men who have crossed o'er 
 the Styx, 
 
 Be assured by the vow 
 
 That I register now, 
 I shall fall upon Hec like a thousand of bricks 
 With a dazzling array of entirely new tricks. 
 Though my armor he dons, he will tire of the suit 
 Like a lad who essays his initial cheroot 
 And then throws it aside, — with some more things 
 
 to boot. 
 Take comfort, good Pat, though no comfort have I. 
 We shall meet once again in the sweet by and by. 
 And a decent interment I'll see that you get. 
 But the hatchet I'll keep above ground a while yet." 
 
 Now the fond, doting mother, good Madam Peleus, 
 Reflected on methods designed to reduce 
 The weight of the woe of her overwrought son, 
 And finally hit on a suitable one. 
 
 With her purse in her mit 
 
 And with money in it. 
 She strolled to the town to go shopping a bit 
 In search of a suit and in search of a fit, — 
 Not a counter fit, though, of the hand-me-down class, 
 But a tailor-made garment which none could surpass, 
 With the coat made of steel and the trousers of brass. 
 
A RETURN ENGAGEMENT loi 
 
 She sought out the pride 
 
 Of the whole countryside, 
 One Mr. Hephaestus, renowned far and wide. 
 Who delivered his goods to the cream of the gods 
 And was reckoned the readiest tailor by odds. 
 He was really the first who could vulcanize clothes 
 To be proof from the helmet clear down to the hose 
 From a hard rain of bullets from inclement foes. 
 There was quite a demand for such vestments as 
 those. 
 
 Now Thetis herself was a part of the cream 
 Of the stylish four hundred and social regime, 
 And she lauded the tailor with praises enough 
 To tickle his pride with her lavish cream puff. 
 
 " You are splendid," said she, 
 
 " If you leave it to me ; 
 Just as clever, in fact, as you're cracked up to be; 
 And the person to whom such an order belongs. 
 So I want you to go for it hammer and tongs." 
 She then took the trouble to tell him at length 
 The sort of a suit in the style and the strength 
 She wantea to buy for her languishing lad, 
 Since Patrick had worn out the best one he had 
 
 And had not worn it back. 
 
 But, alas and alack. 
 Had yielded it up at the point of attack. 
 " Very well," said Hephaestus, who beamed with de- 
 light, 
 ** I will drink me some coffee and sit up tonight 
 And will finish the suit by the first streak of light. 
 
THINGS HAVE ADVANCED ON ACCOUNT OF THE WAR 
 
 102 
 
A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 103 
 
 But the price will be great I'll be asking you for, 
 Since things have advanced on account of the war." 
 
 When the suit was delivered next morning at dawn, 
 
 Achilles arose and at once tried it on, 
 
 And said he was glad that the other was gone ; 
 
 Since this was the best 
 
 He had ever possessed. 
 And was thicker in spots that protected the chest. 
 He could wear it, in fact, without need of a vest. 
 And the cost was so great and so tickled him, too. 
 That he left the price tag in conspicuous view. 
 Besides, it betokened the garment was new. 
 
 And his gleeful uplift 
 
 On account of the gift 
 Made him harbor no thought of the horrible rift 
 That had kept him and Aggie in cavil and strife 
 In a scratch-as-scratch-can sort of cat-and-dog life. 
 
 He sought Aggie out for a chance to enlist. 
 And presented his hand in the place of his fist. 
 With a penitent plea to be pardoned and kissed. 
 With a sob and a sigh 
 And a pitiful cry. 
 Poor Aggie at once sprang a leak in each eye 
 That watered the blooms that were stamped on his 
 
 shirt 
 Till they wilted and ran like the troops that desert. 
 He was weeping for joy, — which, of course, didn't 
 
 hurt. 
 
104 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 (His eyes as a rule were as dry as the sand 
 
 Of the mighty Sahara or arid Soudan 
 
 Or a book in a tongue that we don't understand.) 
 
 So behind all his wailing the sun was ablaze ; 
 
 And the tear-clouds dispersed with their lachrymose 
 
 haze 
 When he welcomed Achilles & Company back 
 As the choicest persimmons contained in the sack. 
 (A figure of speech which the classics all lack.) 
 
 He gave him a bow, 
 
 A salaam and kotow, — 
 In fact, he did every salute he knew how, — 
 And bragged on the suit which Hephaestus had made 
 As the best piece of work he had ever displayed, — 
 Of value to wear or to sell or to trade. 
 Then Achilles in turn complimented his chief 
 As a balm for his soul and for mental relief. 
 And the two of them speedily conquered their grief. 
 
 When the stock of their mutual praise had run out 
 And more serious things could be studied about, 
 Achilles remarked : " I am off to the fray. 
 So I hasten to bid you a hearty good-day. 
 For I am the devil that Hec has to pay." 
 
 Then he wandered afield 
 
 With his spear and his shield. 
 And with neither his purpose nor weapons concealed. 
 And the blood in the veins of the Trojans congealed 
 
 In a feverish fear 
 
 Of the new fighting gear 
 As with proper precaution they ran to the rear. 
 
A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 105 
 
 On a postman, perhaps, such a fine coat of mail 
 Would have been much admired in minutest detail 
 As a trapping which all men of letters could wear 
 With appropriate pride and a satisfied air. 
 But the Trojans in horror took one single stare 
 And then took a full flight and departed from there. 
 A retiring propensity all seemed to share. 
 
 When Apollo observed how Achilles was diked 
 
 In a coating of steel that was skilfully spiked, 
 
 He shouted to Hector: "Although you stood Pat, 
 
 You had better beware of a garment like that. 
 
 Fight shy of Achilles and linger aloof 
 
 Unless you can puncture his vulnerable hoof.*' 
 
 Then Hec in a trice 
 
 Took Apollo's advice, — 
 It was not necessary to caution him twice, — 
 But the boastful -ffineas, stuck-up as of yore, 
 Took a terrible chance to get stuck up some more 
 When he hurled a big boulder without yelling 
 "Fore!" 
 
 And, as likely as not. 
 
 Would have died on the spot 
 With the sword of Achilles releasing his gore. 
 Had it not been for Neptune, who kept him intact 
 With a cloud for a curtain that ended the act. 
 
 When the mist cleared away 
 
 Later on in the day 
 And Achilles could see to proceed on his way. 
 He discerned that the Trojans were heeding the calls 
 
io6 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Of their good trainer Priam, who coached from the 
 
 walls 
 In an effort to tell how a goal from the field 
 Could be made through the gates that were standing 
 
 unsealed. 
 So they poured into town with the wanton delight 
 That the cowboys display on a Saturday night, 
 And they fastened the portals to shield them from 
 
 harm, 
 And they set with precision the burglar alarm. 
 
 It is sad to relate 
 
 (But a fact I must state) 
 That young Hector alone did not enter the gate, — 
 Though he'd learned long before not to stay out too 
 
 late. 
 It was either imprudence or else it was fate. 
 
 His father implored 
 
 With his words underscored 
 He would flee from a station so rash and untoward. 
 But the neck of young Hec was as stiff as a gourd. 
 
 And he said in reply: 
 
 " I am ready to die 
 If the time is at hand for a final good-bye ; 
 But Achilles will find his investment of tin 
 Is a dangerous thing to array himself in, 
 And that I am prepared with a suitable ruse 
 Since I have a can opener ready to use." 
 The words of Apollo were gone from his ear 
 And his wits were as dull as the butt of his spear. 
 
A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 107 
 
 They say a wise man often alters his mind, — 
 
 In which respect Hector was one of that kind ; 
 
 For as soon as Achilles came up where he stood, 
 
 He straightway departed from that neighborhood. 
 
 He ran just as fast as he possibly could. 
 
 With Achilles in chase like a threatening fate, 
 
 He circled the walls at a terrible rate. 
 
 While his father kept yelling, " Duck in at a gate ! " 
 
 But he couldn't duck in, I am sorry to state, 
 
 For he saw every time he looked back on his rounds 
 
 That steel was advancing by leaps and by bounds 
 
 On the back of Achilles, a regular bull. 
 
 With whom Hector had no particular pull. 
 
 The onrushing Greek was entirely too near 
 
 For Hec to attempt to butt in an5rNvhere, 
 
 And the fatal mishap 
 
 Of a rush for a gap 
 Would have brought to the Trojan an eternal nap. 
 So he wisely began an additional lap. 
 
 At last, in exhaustion and all out of breath. 
 He felt that his lot was no better than death, — 
 For death is a state in which breath is all gone, 
 And the stock had run out that he'd been running on. 
 
 So he gave up the chase 
 
 And selected a place 
 Where he thought he could fall full of glory and 
 
 grace. 
 Like a king that succumbs to the drop of an ace. 
 But the drop he foresaw was a hard one to face. 
 
io8 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Then Achilles came up 
 
 Like a prize-winning pup 
 At a kennel display to be given the cup, 
 
 And poor Hector looked on 
 
 As if life were in pawn 
 And his ticket forgotten or otherwise gone. 
 (An account, I am sure, which is not overdrawn.) 
 
 " Bah ! Bah ! " shouted Hector, his courage to keep^ 
 But his voice was as weak as the bleat of a sheep ; 
 And as weak was the thrust that he made with his 
 
 spear, 
 Which bounced like a ball from the Greek's fighting 
 
 gear. 
 Then Achilles, enraged, hurled a weapon at Hec, 
 Who got it, the classics relate, in the neck 
 
 And whirled thrice around 
 
 In amazement profound 
 At his three reel performance and fell to the ground. 
 " I feared," murmured he, " that I could not endure 
 A match of this sort, and I'll soon be dead sure, 
 
 And here on the plain 
 
 I will lie with the slain. 
 For the Greek has struck me in a serious vein." 
 He begged that his body be spared to his wife 
 That she might look upon him as natural as life, 
 But Achilles refused in indignant disdain 
 And declared she would never behold him again. 
 (You may here shed a tear at this sorrowful strain.) 
 
 In a mock show of grief at the fate of his foe, 
 Achilles in triumph took Hector in tow 
 
A RETURN ENGAGEMENT 109 
 
 By binding his feet, — (an effect, if you please. 
 He had learned long before from the crafty Chinese. 
 But he practiced a different method, it seems. 
 For he fastened a cable to Hector's extremes. 
 And the end of the cord not affixed to the feet 
 He attached to his car at the back of his seat). 
 Then he drove through the hollows and over the 
 
 heights 
 For a spin round the city to take in the sights. 
 While Hector was trailing o'er hill and ravine 
 And absorbing the shocks like a threshing machine. 
 On the top of the walls all the Trojans dismayed 
 Were bemoaning their lot as they viewed the parade, 
 While the taunting Achilles continued to chide 
 That Hector was drifting along with the tied. 
 And he shouted to Priam in gusto and glee : 
 " Your son is a traitor ! He's following me ! 
 And when you dissever your gold from your dross, 
 You can count upon him as a total dead loss ! " 
 
 I am glad that the classics permit me to say : 
 At last, when the conquering Greek rode away, 
 
 The pitiful strains 
 
 Of the Trojan refrains 
 Inclined him to part with the battered remains; 
 That he came to his tent with a tinge of remorse ; 
 That King Priam was sent to recover the corse ; 
 That Achilles in penitence gave up the lad 
 And the means of identification he had, — 
 Because it was difficult after the drag 
 To recognize Hector except by a tag. 
 
XI 
 DISCARDING A QUEEN 
 
XI 
 
 DISCARDING A QUEEN 
 
 WHEN Hector was duly examined 
 And the Trojans perceived he had 
 passed, 
 They were much at a loss for a suitable boss 
 
 Who could handle his role in the cast. 
 For they liked not the capers of Paris 
 
 Nor the didos ^neas displayed, 
 And they felt that the van was no place for a man 
 Who would bring them amiss with a maid. 
 
 But there came to them Penthesilea, 
 
 A queen in descent and design. 
 And history teaches she filled up the breaches 
 
 Which Hector had left in the line. 
 For she came with a chorus of cohorts 
 
 To banish their useless regrets 
 And supply their demand with the beautiful band 
 
 Of her militant maid suffragettes. 
 
 113 
 
114 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 They were known as the Amazon damsels, — 
 
 Though not from Brazil, I may say, 
 Nor the regions about the big River of Doubt, 
 
 But from over the Caucasus way. 
 They were martial, magnificent maidens 
 
 Who would scrap at the drop of a hat. 
 And could fight, when they'd choose, anything except 
 booze, — 
 
 And perhaps just a little of that. 
 
 With the Trojan array to escort them. 
 
 In couples they marched to the front 
 With the finish and skill of a featuring drill 
 
 In a musical comedy stunt. 
 And they hopped, — but without hesitation, — 
 
 When they came to the scene of the meet. 
 In the thick of the fray and went waltzing away 
 
 With their quota of arms and of feet. 
 
 But the Greeks set them dancing in earnest 
 
 In a difficult get-away glide. 
 For the Greeks were adepts at some holds and some 
 steps 
 
 That the Amazons never had tried. 
 And the maidens, alas, chicken-hearted, 
 
 Departed, aghast and afraid. 
 While their queen held her place with a scowl on 
 her face 
 
 And her beautiful hair in a braid. 
 
THE AMAZON DAMSELS 
 
 115 
 
ii6 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Then she challenged Achilles to combat 
 
 In a reckless flirtation with fate, — 
 Though her hope of success in a duel was less 
 
 Than the chance that she stood in debate. 
 But the ways of a prude and of prudence 
 
 Were methods unknown to her art ; 
 And a thrust of cold steel was the only appeal 
 
 That Achilles could make to her heart. 
 
 He endeavored to turn and dissuade her 
 
 And diminish her ardor for war, 
 But a tussle with him with her bustle and vim 
 
 Was the thing she was hankering for. 
 And the sequel is one of some sorrow, 
 
 For the queen went away to her rest, — 
 Though the Greek was unwilling to make such a 
 killing 
 
 And the Amazon died by request. 
 
XII 
 THE CALL OF THE CHIEF OPERATOR 
 
XII 
 
 THE CALL OF THE CHIEF OPERATOR 
 
 ACHILLES, — it grieves me to have to re- 
 late,— 
 Kept raising the Trojan mortality rate 
 By lowering leaders as fast as they came 
 And helping them down from the ladder of fame. 
 One Memnon, the next one in order to go. 
 Gave Charon a record of three in a row 
 Who had crossed o'er the river and gone to the dogs 
 Which stood upon guard in the Stygian bogs. 
 
 The Trojans reflected and pondered and mused 
 On the heroes Achilles had killed and contused, — 
 For each of their stars he had met with his blade 
 And had put out his light and reduced him to shade. 
 And they sought to devise a contrivance or craft 
 That would place him in passage aboard Charon's 
 
 raft, 
 But no hope could they find to deprive him of breath 
 Unless he should chance to be tickled to death. 
 
 110 
 
120 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 But all that goes up is predestined to fall, 
 And the lane is a long one that turns not at all ; 
 And the fate of the Greek took a turn to reveal 
 The place on his foot where a wound wouldn't heal. 
 (You mothers, who follow in his mother's path, 
 Be careful in giving your babies a bath: 
 To ward off a foothold of tragedy dread, 
 You should start at the heels and wash up toward 
 the head.) 
 
 The same heartless Paris who started the fray 
 By stealing a heart in a clandestine way. 
 Brought about with an arrow the Greek's over- 
 throw, — 
 But he didn't shoot this one from Dan Cupid's bow. 
 The death-dealing dart he selected to spend 
 Bore a poisonous tip on the business end; 
 And with cunning and caution he aimed at his goal, — 
 Not the heart of the Greek but his vulnerable sole. 
 
 With regard to the scene of this matter one finds 
 
 Some different views in the classical lines, — 
 
 A perfectly natural fact, it appears. 
 
 Since the classical writers looked on through their 
 
 tears. 
 One author avers he was seeking to wed 
 A daughter of Priam; another has said 
 He was leading a charge ; but each one of them shows 
 He was hit in the heel and then turned up his toes. 
 
CALL OF THE CHIEF OPERATOR 121 
 
 The missile of Paris went straight to its mark, 
 And Achilles prepared for a leap in the dark, — 
 For he questioned in vain in his grief and despair 
 If there happened to be a chiropodist there. 
 And footsore and weary and boiling with wrath, 
 He cursed him who thus put a thorn in his path 
 And exclaimed in the anger and anguish he felt, 
 " Foul fiend ! You have struck me far under the 
 belt!" 
 
 Then the hand of the hero, alack and alas. 
 Grew deplorably weak as he whispered, " I pass." 
 And he went from the game like a loser who recks 
 Of the chances he takes, and he cashed in his checks. 
 Then the Greeks laid him out on a funeral pyre 
 With appropriate rites and a burning desire 
 To display their distress at the terrible stroke 
 That was bearing their conqueror upward in smoke. 
 
 For rest to his spirit to shadeland returned, 
 For peace to his ashes so notably earned. 
 The Greeks looked aloft with importunate cry 
 And, like unto us, bade the hero good-bye. 
 Farewell to Achilles, the best of his clan. 
 With the head of a god and the heel of a man ! 
 Farewell to the pride of the Grecian array, 
 A demigod soul on a footing of clay! 
 
XIII 
 A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 
 
XIII 
 
 A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 
 
 THE Grecians, alert for a leader of note, 
 Resolved to award by resort to a vote 
 The helmet and hosiery, trousers and coat 
 Which the valiant Achilles had cased himself in, — 
 Ere an amorous suit he had placed himself in 
 When young Paris took steps the engagement to 
 
 break 
 By reducing the steps that Achilles could take. 
 (This sentence is long and, accordingly, weak ; 
 But a longer one still was pronounced on the Greek.) 
 
 When election day came, as election days do. 
 
 The names that appeared on the ballots were two : 
 
 Ulysses the one and the other Ajax. 
 
 And many a Greek gave his big battle axe 
 
 In exchange for the use of a valid poll tax, — 
 
 An early example the records afford 
 
 Of a time when the pen had the edge on the sword. 
 
 125 
 
126 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 When the votes had been counted, Ulysses, they say, 
 Had all of the happy returns of the day 
 By a margin so great that the rivalling Greek 
 Sought to drown his despair in the depths of Salt 
 
 Creek. 
 But the saline solution was powerless quite 
 To keep up his heart in his pitiful plight. 
 And he took an excursion to Lethe instead 
 (Which means that he went to abide with the dead) 
 While Mr. Ulysses remained overhead 
 In the coveted garb of Achilles arrayed, 
 And so had the better of him by a shade. 
 
 One Helenus, gifted in prophecy's arts, 
 A son of King Priam and lad of some parts, 
 Who, like to his sister Cassandra in sleight, 
 Could see things in daytime as well as at night, 
 Was captured one day by a Hellenic gin 
 Just after Ulysses was duly sworn in. 
 
 This lad was coerced by some third degree stuff 
 To practice his prophetic vision enough 
 To reveal what the Trojans were thinking about 
 And to tell of three strikes that would put them all 
 
 out. 
 (A base, bald attempt to accomplish their rout.) 
 The first one was simple : Achilles* young kid 
 Should fight in their ranks, — and, accordingly, did; 
 The second more serious: some one should get 
 The arrows belonging to Heracles' set. 
 
A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 127 
 
 This curious kit Philoctetes of yore 
 
 Had kept in his own miscellaneous store 
 
 (We have spoken of him and his missiles before) 
 
 When alone on a desolate isle he was put 
 
 With an ache in his heart and a pain in his foot. 
 
 In an effort to set Philoctetes at ease 
 
 From his cardiac pangs and his pedal disease, 
 
 And to win back the arrows by methods like these, 
 
 Ulysses then sailed with a competent leech 
 
 And a comrade or two and a memorized speech. 
 
 And his words were so smooth and the doctor so wise 
 
 That the archer, aquiver, with blood in his eyes 
 
 As he found himself whole in his hoof and his heart, 
 
 Agreed to assist with each coveted dart. 
 
 He would be at the finish though barred at the start. 
 
 Exhibiting class in belligerent stunts, 
 
 The archer proceeded to Paris at once 
 
 And opened his heart (that of Paris, I mean) 
 
 With a dart that was dipped in a dire Paris green. 
 
 For he bent both his bow and his energy, too, 
 
 In removing the cause, as the good doctors do, 
 
 By providing a speedy approach unto death 
 
 For the brave son of Priam that quite took his breath. 
 
 The other condition which Helenus set. 
 The third and the last and the hardest one yet. 
 Was the theft of the trophy of Ilium's joy. 
 The famous Palladium, honored in Troy, 
 
128 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 In which all the hopes of the Trojans were put, 
 As a negro relies on a charmed rabbit's foot. 
 
 But the mighty Ulysses at once started out 
 
 With some self-given wounds and a mendicant's pout, 
 
 And paraded the city to look all about 
 
 For this image of Pallas-Athene in wood 
 
 That stood very high in that whole neighborhood. 
 
 (I'd tell you the height of the thing if I could.) 
 
 His beggar's disguise was so very complete 
 
 That he passed without question the crowds on the 
 
 street. 
 And he garnered the coppers they dropped in his cup 
 And avoided the coppers the city dressed up. 
 
 With the nation at war and with Paris at peace, 
 The thoughts of fair Helen were turning to Greece, — 
 Though, very soon after her mate's overthrow. 
 At the altar with young Deiphobus in tow, 
 For an exchange of vows she had tranquilly stood 
 And had cut out the weeds of her brief widowhood. 
 
 She was strolling the street in a swaggering show 
 And displaying the duds of her latest trousseau 
 When she met with Ulysses and pierced his disguise 
 And unfolded the truth that he sought with his lies. 
 She was turning to Greece, quite a natural fault, — 
 But not in the way Mrs. Lot turned to salt, — 
 And she lent him a hand in the promising hunt, — 
 For bestowing her hand was her favorite stunt. 
 
A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 129 
 
 And soon, as no doubt you infer was the case. 
 Pretty Pallas-Athene was off of her base 
 And eloping, alas, in a Grecian's embrace. 
 
 With the stubborn conditions which Helenus set 
 Thus so bravely essayed and successfully met. 
 The Greeks had a sculptor to build them a steed, 
 A wooden but wonderful charger indeed. 
 There was never another, in fact, of its breed. 
 It was very spectacular, very immense, — 
 It bespoke for its maker a lot of horse-sense, — 
 Very spacious within, very specious without, — 
 A hobby, in short, to be happy about. 
 
 When the creature was finished and ready to ride, 
 A band of Greek soldiers was hustled inside, — 
 And, if you believe this miraculous tale. 
 You should not question Jonah's sojourn in the 
 
 whale, — 
 An old casus belli where doubters prevail. 
 Then the Greeks sailed away with a horselaugh or 
 
 two 
 At the fate of their foes that was sure to ensue 
 When they captured the nag, for 'twas easier far 
 Thus to horsewhip the Trojans than beat them in 
 
 war. 
 
 Then forth from the gates with a song and a shout 
 Came the forces of Ilium sallying out; 
 And they gazed at their booty with pleasure and 
 pride. 
 
130 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 But entirely forgot to inspect the inside. 
 And they called it a dream, — they were quite un- 
 aware 
 It was very much more like a noxious nightmare, — 
 And they wanted to take it at once through the wall 
 And construct for its comfort an elegant stall. 
 
 But a priest of Apollo and two of his sons 
 Arose to proclaim it more direful than guns, 
 And averred that to them it was plain as could be 
 It was horseplay in quite an unusual degree. 
 But the Trojans regarded each word that they spoke 
 As a sort of horse-chestnut attempt at a joke. 
 And, besides, to discredit the warnings they hurled, 
 Some snakes came and ushered them out of the 
 world. 
 
 One Sinon (Ulysses had left him behind 
 
 In some stocks and some bonds for the Trojans to 
 
 find) 
 Was a crafty old Greek who, in lines of deceit. 
 Had a line on the Trojans that couldn*t be beat. 
 (I must mention it here to make my lines complete.) 
 With some sobs in his voice and some tears on his 
 
 cheeks. 
 He appeared as a captive escaped from the Greeks, 
 And announced to his foes, though he hailed them 
 
 as friends. 
 That his stocks and his bonds were without divi- 
 dends 
 
A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 131 
 
 And were really a burden and drag on his hands 
 And afforded no interest to meet his demands. 
 They were fetters imposed by the base Grecian 
 bands. 
 
 It is likely this Greek was the first to give breath 
 
 To that famous petition for freedom or death; 
 
 And he vowed, if his chains they would properly 
 
 loose, 
 He would tell all about this perplexing cay use. 
 For he boldly declared he had worked as a lad 
 In a livery stable and made it his fad 
 To observe every trait that a horse ever had, 
 And insisted concerning this newfangled nag 
 He could straightway deliver the cat from the bag 
 And explain in a jiffy its wherefores and whys 
 With the ease of a pugilist dotting some eyes. 
 
 i 
 
 When freed from his shackles, this Grecian, forsooth, 
 Started stretching his limbs and then stretching the 
 
 truth. 
 For he looked at the steed and with absolute ease 
 Very blandly affirmed it was built to appease 
 The afFront to Minerva, whose rage was aglow 
 That her statue no longer was in statu quo. 
 (A term of the law which you probably know.) 
 Old Calchas, said he, had suggested the steed. 
 And the Greeks framed it up and sailed homeward 
 
 to plead 
 With the oracle there to tell how to proceed, — 
 
132 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 With the comforting thought that the horse was so 
 
 taU 
 That the Trojan array could not use it at all 
 Since it couldn't be put through a gate in their wall. 
 
 No sooner had Sinon delivered his speech 
 Than the Trojans began on a big mural breach, 
 With a firm resolution their work to pursue 
 Until the horse trade was completely put through. 
 (Though Cassandra declared that it never would do.) 
 So they battered away with their shivering shocks 
 And they knocked out a hole for a couple of blocks, — 
 An extravagant waste of some excellent rocks, — 
 And they pulled at the steed with victorious mien, 
 But it balked like an auto without gasoline. 
 Then they twisted its tail and they offered it hay. 
 But it couldn't be started in any such way; 
 So they ordered some rollers to fix to its feet. 
 And they shod it all round with this clever conceit. 
 And they ushered it in without hindrance or drag. 
 With some wheels in their heads and some more on 
 the nag. 
 
 With the beast now at bay, — so they reasoned, at 
 
 least, — 
 Though I can't say that bay was the shade of the 
 
 beast, — 
 They began a carousal and grew quite as drunk 
 As a pipe-hitting Chink on a snooze in his bunk. 
 And they gave way to dreams of a fanciful sort, 
 Like the same kind of Chink in his smoking resort, 
 
A KINGDOM FOR A HORSE 133 
 
 And they slumbered at ease in ecstatic delight 
 
 Till they soon were as still as the dead of the night. 
 
 A prearranged signal then summoned the fleet, 
 Which had anchored at sea in a cozy retreat. 
 And while it sailed back without tinge of remorse 
 Old Sinon unbuttoned the side of the horse. 
 And out stepped the Jonahs the truth to unfold 
 That the city should fall as the gods had foretold, — 
 For the soldiers possessed, beyond shadow of doubt, 
 Inside information that hadn't leaked out. 
 
 The horse and the city had come to a hitch. 
 With the Trojan defenders asleep at the switch. 
 And with portals ajar and the army ashore, 
 The Grecians proceeded as never before 
 To paint the town red with the enemy's gore. 
 And the Trojans, astounded, were taken aback 
 As they opened their eyes and a counter attack. 
 While the Grecians continued to sew up the sack. 
 
 And now comes the truth that distresses me most: 
 
 King Priam, alas, and his militant host 
 
 Surrendered their treasures and gave up the ghost. 
 
 They were out of the running and left at their post. 
 
 -ffineas alone made a bold get away, 
 
 With his father atop of his shoulders, they say. 
 
 But I find little balm for the general scrape 
 
 In the fact that these citizens made their escape. 
 
 Let us cover the scene with a mantle of crepe. 
 
134 PUTTING TROY IN A SACK 
 
 Fair Helen, of course, since the Trojans were dead, 
 Attended her Hellenic husband instead. 
 And he welcomed her back with obliging good-will, 
 For in spite of her faults he was loving her still. 
 Then the bands of the Grecians were hurried aboard, 
 And the swag and the booty were suitably stored. 
 And the vessels set sail o'er the shimmering foam. 
 The performance was over, and so they went home. 
 
 The Finish 
 
FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 
 
FRITZ GARLAND LAN HAM * 
 
 To Alcalde Editor Fritz, a Line or so of Praise that Fits. 
 
 Alas, alas, our Fritz, he quits a place devoid of perqmsites. 
 
 But one well suited to his wits. 
 His time now goes on legal writs, on getting clients out 
 through slits. 
 On rending statutes into splits. 
 No Texas Ex, I know, admits he*s glad to see the end of 
 Fritz, 
 But sadly, hopelessly submits. 
 O what a Sin he now commits if from this mag he wholly flits, 
 
 And nothing further here emits! 
 How we shall miss his merry skits, his puns, his jokes, his 
 frequent hits. 
 That shook our ribs almost to bits! ! I 
 
 NOT very far from the ruddy banks of the 
 Brazos, within drinking distance of the 
 health-renewing waters of the Crazy Well, 
 situate on both sides of the T. & P. between Aledo 
 on the east and Millsap on the west, the discerning 
 geographer finds the notable city of Weatherford, 
 which was once a commercial metropolis that at- 
 tracted buyers from distant Frogtown and Desde- 
 mona, but which now has its trade area a little re- 
 duced towards the east by the united competition of 
 Fort Worth and Dallas. In spite of these envious 
 
 * Reprinted from the November, 191 6, University of Texas 
 Alcalde^ upon the retirement of Mr. Lanham as Editor-in-Chief. 
 
 137 
 
138 FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 
 
 oriental municipalities, Weatherford continues to 
 flourish amid her post oaks and watermelons, amid 
 her black and red haws, which compete with each 
 other in delighting the palate of mankind. All who 
 are familiar with the history of Parker County, and 
 their name is legion, know that Weatherford is its 
 county seat, whereat in times past events not unim- 
 portant in the history of civilization have taken place. 
 There, a few decades ago, Charlie S. Potts and Eddie 
 T. Miller and Johnnie A. Lomax dabbled their toes in 
 its sands and their brains in its collegiate fountains of 
 learning. There, in much more ancient times, the un- 
 justly treated author of these historic lines was, vi et 
 armis, put out of Cleveland College of which previ- 
 ously he had been the pride and ornament because he 
 had paid his board several months in advance and be- 
 cause he had gallantly refused to " tell on " a couple 
 of mischievous young culprits who had sprinkled a 
 few quarts of sulphur match heads over the floor of 
 a Sunday school, which, as a consequence, on the fol- 
 lowing Sabbath, had more the smell of the brimstone 
 lake than the odor of sanctity. Adjacent thereto, at 
 a time so remote that chronologers are quarrelling 
 over the matter, was born a certain T. U. Taylor, one 
 of the hoohooiest of our hoohoos. 
 
 Were Baedeker correctly informed concerning 
 these sundry other events of great or equal merit, 
 Weatherford would long ago have been twice starred 
 a la Yosemite, Yellowstone and Niagara. Did Baed- 
 eker know that Fritz G. Lanham had selected Weath- 
 erford as his birthplace, triple stars would henceforth 
 
' FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 139 
 
 decorate the town in all future guide books whatso- 
 ever. The birthplace of Homer is unfortunately un- 
 known, seven cities contending acrimoniously for the 
 honor. Happy Weatherford, which claims without 
 denial the natal cradle of the immortal author of 
 The Sack of Troy. Thrice happy Oyster Hill, about 
 whose feet the infant Fritz must first have dis- 
 cerned the vague outlines of that vast sack into which 
 he has dumped Fay and Helen, and Battle and Cas- 
 sandra. Blessed among fountains is the Eddleman 
 Pool, whose cretaceous waters and Pactolinian sands 
 have laved the limbs of him who in after life was to 
 become the first editor of the Alcalde and the author 
 of a book destined to become more famous than the 
 Batrachomyomachia. 
 
 Fritz was an infant prodigy. At Weatherford 
 College he shone beside boys ten years his seniors, 
 winning prizes from them while he was still in the 
 Little Lord Fauntleroy knee-breeches stage. He and 
 Ed Miller sharpened their wits on each other while 
 youthful classmates. But the Phaino Literary Soci- 
 ety was where he first became a maker of puns which 
 later he put in such prodigious numbers into the 
 " Baker of Buns," one of his magna opera. The ety- 
 mologist will note also the connection between 
 phaino, I shine, phaneros, open and manifest, and 
 phanari,a. lighthouse. It is manifest that Fritz was 
 predestined to shine openly in this world, but whether 
 Mrs. Fritz was predestined to a life of light house- 
 keeping (not lighthouse keeping) is still a matter of 
 dispute. According to Fritz, she is, unless he quits 
 
140 FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 
 
 monkeying with Troy and the Alcaldeand devotes the 
 major portion of his energies to practicing law. 
 
 After learning all there was at Weatherford, Fritz 
 imitated the Saners and hied himself to Vanderbilt, 
 from where, discovering the error of his ways, he 
 turned after one year to Texas, which henceforth ab- 
 sorbed his attention and his puns. While here he 
 disturbed, but did not surprise, Mrs. Kirby by falling 
 in love. A single look at Mrs. Fritz will tell you 
 why this happened better than any clumsy words. 
 Of course, the looks that Fritz turned in her direction 
 were neither single nor singular. There were mil- 
 lions of them, a plural number if there ever was one. 
 I suppose Fritz would say that he singled her out not 
 to remain single. For which reason he was selected 
 in 1908 to talk about Mrs. Kirby and her girls. Upon 
 that occasion he criticised Mrs. Kirby for always pre- 
 ferring charges against those who preferred her 
 charges, and for her opposition to the Romance lan- 
 guages. But he complimented her for her superiority 
 to Sherlock Holmes, who only solves cases, while she 
 prevents them from arising. 
 
 After writing the " Baker of Buns " and attaining, 
 together with his brother Frank, unprecedented fame 
 as a collegiate actor, Fritz essayed to tread before the 
 footlights, and toured the country with I don't know 
 how many chorus girls. He won success, but as no 
 one egged him to stay on the stage he soon retired to 
 the more congenicd atmosphere of a law office. Frank 
 also gave up the feathers of the theatre for the tar 
 of a plutocratic paving company. Frank is trying to 
 
FRITZ GARLAND LANHAM 141 
 
 flatten out the streets at so much per square yard, 
 while Fritz is trying to flatten out the opposing bar 
 at so much per client. This is not the first time that 
 law and engineering have robbed art of some luscious 
 devotees. 
 
 Generous in his desires to help others, sweet-spir- 
 ited in all things, cherishing no mean ambitions, de- 
 siring worldly goods much less than the approval of 
 right thinking people, Fritz lives at Weatherford in 
 the old home of his father. Governor Lanham, from 
 which he has not been lured by the efforts of friends 
 who have asked him to go to Forth Worth or Dallas 
 and win the larger financial rewards of a city. But 
 to remain faithful to the family roof tree is a pretty 
 good sort of Bushido, to my way of thinking. 
 
 If you don't esteem and admire and love Fritz 
 Lanham one of two causes is operating: either you 
 do not know him well, or you are out of joint with 
 your better self. In the first case, you should journey 
 to Weatherford or an alumni reunion and get to know 
 Fritz better; in the second case, you should send for 
 a doctor and get your insides looked into. If you are 
 all right all the way through, you can't help loving 
 Fritz. 
 
 The Alcalde Staff Peregrimiser. 
 

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