*R 5097 
 M3 P6 
 'Opy 2 
 
 I^ItlOE IS OEIVTS. 
 
 S^ DE WITT'S ACTING- PLAYS, ejp 
 
 (Number 217.) 
 
 POOR FILLICODDY. 
 
 IlSr ONE A.CT 
 
 By J. MADISON MORTON, 
 
 Author of Lend Me Five Shillings," ''Your Life's in Danger;' ''Box 
 and Cox," *'My Wife's Second Floor," ''Which of the Two," etc. 
 
 TO WHICH ABE ADDED, 
 
 A deBCription of the Costumes— Synopsis of the Piece-Cast ot the Characters 
 
 —Entrances and Exits -Relative Positions of the Performers on 
 
 the Stage, and the whole of the Stage Business. 
 
 CLINTON T. DE WITT, PXTBUSHER. 
 
 No, 33 JRoae Street, 
 
 C ^" A COMPLETE DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF DE WITT'S ACTING 
 yojr \ ptAYS. AND DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS, containing 
 Plot, Costume, Scenery, Time of Representation, and every other informa' 
 tion, mailed free and post-paid. 
 
 BX!jLI>T 
 
w 
 
 DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS, 
 
 IW Please notice that nearhj all the Comedies, Farces and Comediettas in the following 
 ^ist i/'De Witt's Acting Vt.ws''' are very suitable for representation hi small Amateur T/iea- 
 treb and on Parlor Stages, as tJiey need but little extj-insic aid from complicated scenery or 
 expensive costumes. They have attained their desei^ed populnntyby their droll situations^ 
 excellent plots, great humor and brilliant dialogues, no less than by the fact that tliey are the 
 most pcrfecl in e^ery respect of any edition of plays ever published either in the United States 
 or Europe, whether as i-egards pu7ity rfthe text, accnracy and fulness of stage directions and 
 scenery, or elegance of typography and clearness of j)rinting. 
 
 *** In ordering please copy tlie figures at the commencehient of each piece, which indicate 
 the number of the piece in " De Witt's List or Acting Plavs." 
 
 ^^" Any of the following Plays sent, x>ostage free on- receipt of price — 15 
 cents each. 
 
 Address, ROBERT M. DEWITT, 
 
 JVo. SS Hose Sireet, JVetv York, 
 r^ The figure following the name of the Pluy denotes the number of 
 Acts. The figures in the columns indicate the number of characters — \l.male; 
 F. female. 
 No. 
 
 M. F. 
 
 Adrienne, drama. 3 acts 7 3| 
 
 114. Anything for a Change, comedy, 13 3 
 
 ltj7. Apple Brossoni:?, coniudy, 3 acts. ..7 3 
 
 93. Area Belle (The), laice, 1 act 3 2 
 
 40. Atchi, comedietta. 1 act 3 2 
 
 89. Aunt Charlotte's Maid, farce 1 act. . 3 3 
 
 192. Game of Cards (A), c medietta, 1 3 1 
 
 1()«). Bardell tJ.*. rickwick, sketch, 1 act. 6 2 
 
 41. Beautiful Forever, farce, 1 act 2 3 
 
 141 Bells (The), drama, 3 acts 9 3 
 
 67. Birthplace of Podgers, farce, 1 act.. 7 3 
 
 .36. Black Sheep, drama, 3 acts 7 5 
 
 16J. Blow for Blow, drama, 4 acts 11 6 
 
 70. Bonnie Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 1 
 
 17^. Breach of Promise., drama, 2 acts. . 5 2 
 
 25. Broken-lIeartedClub, comedietta, 14 8 
 
 24, 
 1 
 
 Cabman, No. 93. farce, 1 act. 
 Caste, comedy. 3 acts 
 
 2 2 
 
 69. Caught by the Ctiff, farce, 1 act 4 1 
 
 17."). Cast upon the World, drama, Sacts.lO 5 
 55. Catharine Howard, historical play, 
 
 3acis 12 5 
 
 80. Charming pair, farce, 1 act 4 
 
 6.'). Checkmate, comcdj', 2 acts 6 
 
 68. Chevalier de St. George, drama, 3 9 
 76. Chops of the Channel, farce, 1 act. 3 
 
 149. ClouJ.-*. comedy, 4 acts 8 
 
 121. Comical Countess, farci', 1 act 3 
 
 107. Cupboard l.ove, farce, 1 act 2 
 
 152. Cupid's Eve-Glass, co ncdy. 1 art... 1 
 
 52. Cup of Tea, comedietta, 1 act 3 
 
 148. Cut otr with a Shilling, comedietta, 
 
 1 >'ct 2 
 
 lie Cvrill's Success, comcily, 5 acts — 10 
 19'J. Captain of the Watch (The), come- 
 dietta, 1 act 4 2 
 
 20. Daddy Grav, drama, 3 acts 8 4 
 
 4. I)ai.deliou'sI)odi;es, far e, 1 act 4 2 
 
 22. David ••anick, comedy. 3 acts 8 3 
 
 96. Dearest Mamma, comedietta, 1 act, 4 3 
 
 16. Dea er than Lite, drama. 3 acts 6 5 
 
 5S. Diiborah (Leah) drama, 3 acts 7 6 
 
 125. Dcertoot, farce. 1 act 5 1 
 
 71. Di)in'4 for the Best, drama, 2 acts.. 5 3 
 142. Dollars and Cents, comedy, 3 acts. . 9 4 
 
 3 
 4 
 2 
 5 
 1 
 7 
 
 1 
 4 
 
 11 10 
 2 
 
 1 
 3 
 3 
 4 
 2 
 4 
 
 No. M. 
 
 21. Dreams, drama, 5 acts 6 
 
 186. Duchess de la Valliere, play, 5 acts.. 6 
 
 47. Easy Shaving, farce, 1 act 5 
 
 13 . Everybody's Friend, comedy, 3 acts. 6 
 
 2iX). Kstranged, an opi-retta, 1 act 2 
 
 103. Faus and Marguerite, drama, 3 acts, 9 
 9. Fearful Tragedy in the Seven Dials, 
 interlude," 1 act 4 
 
 128. Female Detective, drama, 3 acts 11 
 
 101. Fernando, drama, 3 acts , 
 
 9;). Fifth Wheel, comedy, 3 acts 10 
 
 145. First Love, couiedy, ) act 4 
 
 102. Foiled, drama. 4 acts . . 9 
 
 88. Founded on Facts, farce, 1 act . . . . 4 
 
 74. Garrick Fever, farce, 1 act 7 
 
 5i. Gertrude's Money Box. farce. 1 act. 4 
 73. Golden Fetter (Fettered), drama, 3 11 
 30. Goo«e with the Golden Eggs, farce, 
 
 1 act 5 3 
 
 131. Go to Putney, farce. 1 act 4 3 
 
 28. Happv Pa r, comedietta, 1 act 1 1 
 
 151. Hard Cise (.^), farce, 1 «ct 2 
 
 8. Ueniy Dunbar, drama. 4 acts 10 3 
 
 180. Ilen.y the Fifth, historical play, 5.38 5 
 
 19. He's a Lunatic, farce, 1 act 3 2 
 
 60. Hidden Hand, drama, 4 acts 5 5 
 
 137. His Own Enemy, farce, 1 act 4 1 
 
 174. Home, comedy," 3 acts 4 3 
 
 64. Hou-^ehold Fairy, sketch, 1 act 1 1 
 
 190 Hunting the Slipper, farce, 1 act 4 1 
 
 191. Hish (■; comedietta. 1 act 4 2 
 
 197. Hunchback (The), play, 5 acts 14 2 
 
 18. If I Ha I a Thousand a Ye.if, farce, 
 
 lact 4 3 
 
 116. I'm Not .Mesilf at All, original Irish 
 
 htew, 1 act 3 2 
 
 129. In for a Ilolidav. farce. 1 act 2 3 
 
 159. In the Wrong House, farce, 1 act. .. 4 2 
 
 122. Isabella Or.si..i, drama, 4 acts 11 4 
 
 177. I Siia 1 Invite the Major, comedy, 14 1 
 
 100. Jack Lonj;, drjima, 2 acts 9 2 
 
 139. Joy is Dansferous, comedy, 2 acts... 3 3 
 
 17. Kind to a Fault, comedy, 2 acts 6 4 
 
 86. Lady of Lyons, play, 5 acts. 12 5 
 
 72. Lame E-vcuse, farce, 1 act 4 2 
 
POOfi PILLICODDY. 
 
 % inxa, 
 
 IN ONE ACT 
 
 By JOHN MADDISON MORTON, Esq., 
 
 Author of " Lend Me Five Shillings,''' " Yow Life's in Danger,''' " Box and Cox," 
 ''My Wife's Second Floor," " Which of tJie Two," etc. 
 
 TO WHICH ARE ADDED 
 
 A DESCEIPTION OF THE COSTUME — CAST OF THE CHARACTERS — EN- 
 TRANCES AND EXITS — RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE 
 PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE "VVHOLE 
 OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 
 
 /( .;vv /r33 f 7r^^' 
 
 NEW YORK • 
 CLINTON T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER. 
 
 (SCCCESSOIt TO R. M. DE WITT), 
 
 No. 33 Rose Strfft. 
 
Mr. Pillicoddy. 
 Capt. O'Scuttle 
 Mrs. Pillicoddy 
 Mrs. 0"Sciittl(3. 
 Sarah Blunt.... 
 
 Mr. Pillicoddy. 
 Capt. O'Scuttle. 
 Mrs. Pillicoddy 
 Mrs. O'Scuttle. 
 Sarah Blunt 
 
 Mr. Pillicoddy, 
 Capt. O'Scuttle 
 Mrs. Pillicoddy 
 Mrs. O'Scuttle. 
 Sarah Blunt 
 
 POOR PHililCODDY. Mc? P/' 
 
 CAST OF CHABACTER8. ^^p/ ^ 
 
 Original Cast, National, Broadway, N. Y., 
 
 London. 1848. 1854. 
 
 .Mr. BucKSTOJSTE Mr. J. R. Yixcent. .Mr. Davidge. 
 
 •Mr. H. Hall Mr. S. D. JoHxsoN..Mr. Seymour. 
 
 ..Miss Howard Mrs. W. G. Jones . .Miss A. Gougexheim. 
 
 .Miss Lee Mrs. Western Mrs. Seyjiouu. 
 
 .Miss Polly Marshal.. Mrs. J. R. Vincent. .Miss J. Gougenheiji. 
 Burton's, N. Y., Charleston, S. C, Broadway, N. Y., 
 1854. 1855. 1855. 
 
 .Mr. Burton Mr. Fuller Mr. W. A. Chapman, 
 
 .Mr. Johnston Mr. Raymond Mr. J. Sey'mour. 
 
 . Miss A. Lee Miss Wilton Mrs. Warren. 
 
 .Mrs. Cooke Mrs. Austin Mrs. J. Seymour. 
 
 .Miss K. Saxon Mrs. Sloan Miss J. Manners. 
 
 ^Yalmlt-st., Phila., Boston 3/tisei/m, Boston Theatre, 
 
 1856. 1856. 18.57. 
 
 .Mr. W. A. Chapman. ..Mr. W. Warren — Mr. John Wood. 
 
 .Mr. ScALLAN Mr. E. F. Reach — Mr. S. D. Johnson. 
 
 .Mrs. King Rose Skerrett Miss Emma Taylor. 
 
 .Mrs. Stoneall Mrs. Eckhart Miss Ida Vernon. 
 
 • Mrs. John Sefton Mrs. J. R. Vincent. .Mrs. John Wood. 
 
 TIME IN REPRESENTATION— ONE HOUR. 
 
 SCENER Y. 
 
 SCENE.— Interior of Pillicoddy's shop, in 5th grooves. At c. largo glass doors, 
 showing rursery -grounds and greenhouse at back. On r. 3 e. a semicircular couu- 
 t t t + t t t t t + Plants seen. 
 I ^. „ I •••■I - I 
 
 R. 5e. 
 
 Glass Doors. 
 
 Window. 
 
 L. 5 E. 
 
 R. 4 E. * * 
 
 Chairs, 
 
 R. 3e. 
 
 K. 2e. 
 
 L. 4 e. 
 
 -—33 
 
 b£:L. 41:. 
 
 
 Clock.* 
 
 R. 1 E. 
 R. 
 
 L. 1 E. 
 L. 
 
 Orchestka. 
 
 ter, with flowers, etc. Behind counter rows of small boxes or drawers, marked 
 with names of seeds. Doors r. 2 e. and l. 1 e. Window l. f. 
 
POOR PILLICODDY. O 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Mr. PiLLicoDDT.— White silk hat, with <?reen rim ; gray plaid shooting jacket, 
 
 white trousers, white wai^^tcoat, !<hoes, red silk neckeloth. 
 Captain O'Scuttle.— Large pea-jacket, broad-brimmed straw hat, white trousers, 
 
 shoes, striped stockings. 
 Mrs. PiLLicoDDY.— Pink muslin dress. 
 
 Mrs. O'Scuttle.— Blue muslin dress, while silk bonnet, drab silk scarf. 
 Sakau Blunt,— Striped cotton dress, brown Holland apron, cotton handkerchief. 
 
 PROPERTIES. 
 
 One slate and pencil, plants in pots, clock ; watering-pot, with very long spout ; 
 handsome bonnet for Mrs. P., bracelet for Mrs. P., letter in envelope, small carpet- 
 bag, green cotton umbrella, telescope ; letter, open ; poppy seeds for Pillicoddy. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Sarah Blunt is the shop-girl in the floricultural nursery of Mr. Pillicoddv, 
 and the play opens in that worthy tradesman's shop. Sarah is busily engaged in 
 working various sums in arithmetic, dropping the multiplication occasionally to 
 lamentlhat her master has thrown tiowers "to the dogs," so entirely is he taken 
 lip by his newly-wedded wife. The maid could stand his paying the young woman 
 attention while he was a-courting, but after marriage she thinks that he ought to 
 attend to his neglected business. While she is lamenting that he is getting " worser 
 and worser" Pillicoddy enters, carrying a watering-pot. Sarah begins praising 
 Mr. P. for his renewed attention to business, but discovers that he had been so ab- 
 sorbed by thinking over the beatitudes of matrimony that he had forgotten to use 
 any water. Sarah sticks to her text, and urges her master to stick to business. 
 He takes her reproof in good humor, but intimates that if he loses all his custom- 
 ers he could devote himself to his " present course of innocent dissipation without 
 a murmur." Sarah, happening to recall the fact that Mrs. P. had been a widow, 
 dashes the cup of bliss from his lips. This was the one bitter drop which he would 
 fain ignore ; but Sarah keeps harping about the " other chap," as she irreverently 
 terms" the first husband. Sarah, however, attends to business, and Mrs. Pilli- 
 coddy enters, and the married lovers indulge in any quantity of innocent billing and 
 cooina, during which the lady charms her husband out of an expensive bonnet. 
 Its cost is abundantly paid by the lady's style of saying " Thank ye. " But almost 
 every lane has a turning, and Pillicoddy is so intoxicated with happiness that he 
 loses his head, and begins to annoy his wife by inquiries about the "dear de- 
 parted," the late Capt. Fitzpatrick O'Scuttle. Indeed he appears haunted by the 
 idea that Capt. O'Scuttle may return from the briny billows beneath which he was 
 supposed to be quietly at rest. Sarah's suspicions of something going wrong are 
 aroused by the arrival of a letter for Mrs. Pillicoddy by a Winchester carrier. 
 The letter was from her mistress' cousin Julia, who soon after arrives, bearing a 
 carpet-bag and a green umbrella. After the usual greeting, Mrs. O'Scuttle re- 
 calls to her cousin's mind the day, some four years past, when they two were 
 married, in Gosport church, to two cousins— one to Capt. Fitzpatrick O'Scuttle, 
 the other to Capt. Fitzgerald O'Scuttle. Fitzpatrick went away, never to re- 
 turn, but Fitzgerald did return, to plague his wife. On the day of his arrival he 
 sent' his mate ashore with two letters-one for his wife, the otlier for one Capt. 
 Thomas Trumpet. The latter Mrs. O'S. undertook to deliver-opened it, out of 
 
4 POOR PILIilCODDY. 
 
 sheer curiosity, and found that it was to inform Trumpet, among other things, that 
 he (O'ScuTTLi) had brought "a Jenny to England with him," and goes on to say 
 that she was a pretty creature, and as lie wanted his wife Ivcpt in the dark, he (Tnun- 
 pet) must take care of lier for him. Upon this state of affairs Mrs. 0"Scuttle had 
 left her husband, and hastened to hide herself with lier cousin. Mrs. P. would like 
 to shelter her, but knowing Mr. P.'s strict ideas of female propriety, intends to 
 find her a refuge elsewhere, but for the moment hides her in her own room. 
 Sarah has entered, and sends her mistress off to sec the milliner's girl. Capt. 
 O'ScuTTLE now enters, unseen by Sakau, and informs us that he had followed his 
 wife in her flight, and even fancied he had seen her enter Fillicoduy's place. He 
 is dressed like a regular old sea-dog. He startles Sarah, when she turns and sees 
 liim, by his rough, abrupt questions. Asking if there is a young and lovely fen:ale 
 in the house, and letting her know that he will return and see her master, he 
 dashes out angrily, leaving no name but " Captain." Pillicoddy no sooner enters 
 than Sarah tells him that a man lias been there talking about "■ weighing anchors 
 and cutting cables," and that he wanted a lady ! A sailor ! All poor Pillicoddy'.s 
 dreams and waking visions of a returning O'Scuttle, " all seaweed and barnacles," 
 rush upon his brain, when Capt. O'Scuttle enters, telescope under his arm, and 
 hails Mr. P. in a peremptory manner, exclaiming, " She's here !" Pillicoddy 
 tries to soothe the marine monster, but he will not be reasoned with. He says he 
 " saw her at the window"— the window of Mrs. P.'s room ! At length Pillicoddy' 
 is so fully impressed with the idea that O'Scuttle is the husband of his (P.'s) wife 
 that he ventures to suggest to him that he had better leave the premises ; but 
 O'Scuttle demands his wife, and threatens as he goes off to return for her. Mrs. 
 O'Scuttle comes on in the dark, and P., thinking it is Anastasia, bids her fly 
 with him from O'Scuttle ; but the lady tears herself from his embraces, and 
 leaves. Soon Mrs. Pillicoddy' enters. Pillicoddy' is seated, with his face hidden 
 in his hands. Mrs. P., supposing him to be O'S. looking for his wife, says that 
 "he had better take her away at once, before Mr. Pilllicoddy knows anything 
 about the matter." This renders Pillicoddy'— as he says— "crazy, mad, frantic ! . 
 lla ! ha ! ha !" Sarah has brought in a light, and as Mr. P. dances frantically 
 about the room Capt. O'S. enters. Pillicoddy^ seizes his hand, and drags him 
 towards Mrs. P., exclaiming, " Take her !" Taking poppy seed to " shuflflie off this 
 mortal coil," he grows wild and sleepy by turns, and when Mrs. O'Scuttle conies 
 on he rushes to her, and, in disjointexl sentences, tells her that the ancient mariner, 
 O'Scuttle, is in the next room with Mrs. Pillicoddy, whom he loves. Then the 
 fun grows furious. Sarah, the Captain, Mrs. O'Scuttle, and Pillicoddy are all 
 in a tangle of cross purposes, when Mrs. P. enters, explanations follow, "little 
 Jenny " is accounted for, and all ends merrily for " Poor Pillicoddy." 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
 
 R. means Right of Stage, facing the Audience ; L. Left ; C. Centre ; R. C. Right 
 of Centre ; L. C. Left of Centre. D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running across 
 the back of the Sta<:e; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat ; R. D. F. Right Door in 
 the Flat ; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat ; 11. D. Right Door ; L. D. Lelt Door ; 1 E. 
 First Entrance; 2 E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; 1, 2 or 3 G. First, 
 Second or Third Grooves. 
 
 R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 
 
 B3~ The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. 
 
POOR PILLICODDY. 
 
 SCE'NE. —Interio?' of Pillicoddy's Shoj), in Sd and bth grooves. At c. 
 large glass door, slioidng nursery grounds and greenhouse at 
 hack. On u. 3 e. a semicircular counter, with floicers, etc. Behind 
 counter, roios of small boxes, or drawers, marked icith names of 
 seeds. Doors u. 2 e. and l. 1 e. Windoic at l. f. A clock hang- 
 ing up. 
 
 Sarah Blunt discovered behind the counter, adding up figures on a 
 large slate. 
 
 Sarah. No— for the life of me, I can't make it right. Let me try- 
 once more. Four and seven, eleven — eleven and nine, twenty — twenty 
 and seven, twenty-seven — twenty-seven and ten, thirty-seven— thirty- 
 seven shillings is one pound seventeen — put down one and carry seven- 
 teen — no, put down seventeen, and carry — no, carry seventeen and put 
 down — it's no use! I never was a dab at figures, and, what's more, I 
 never shall be. It's just as much as I can manage to reckon my wages'— 
 but that, somehow or other, I do contrive to do ! It's no sort of* use, 
 Mr. Pillicoddy, going into a temper with me about it. As I said to Mr! 
 Pillicoddy the other day — " Mr. Pillicoddy," said I, " you hired me as 
 a shop girl, and not as a 'Ready Reckoner.'" He always used to do 
 the summing up part himself till he took it into his head to get mar- 
 ried, and now it's as much as he ever once opens his day-book, or at- 
 tends to a customer. Not he ! There he is, gadding about with his 
 young wife from morning till night. It was only the day before yester- 
 day that he sent me over to Winchester to buy five hundred tulip bulbs, 
 and then actually went into a passion because I made a little mistake, 
 and bought onions. I have no patience with him, that I haven't. It's 
 all very well for a man to be jjolite, and attentive, and amiable— in 
 short, to make a fool of himself, when he's courting a young woman ; 
 but, when that young woman becomes his wife, he ought to come back 
 to the sho]i, and slick to business, instead of which, Mr. Pillicoddy gets 
 worser and worser; and there's every possibility of his getting worserer 
 still ! 0, here he comes — and I do declare he's got a watering-pot in his 
 hand ! Perhaps he's had a row with missus ! So much the better for 
 the business, say I. {begins adding up on the slate again.') 
 
 Enter Pillicoddy, at back, c. d., a loatering-pot icith a very long spout 
 in his hand. 
 
 PiLLicoDDv {singing as he enters). " 'Tis the last rose of summer," 
 etc. {looking at clock) Past six o'clock, I declare ! I'd no idea it was 
 so late. I may say, I thought it was earlier. Upon my life I don't 
 know how it is, but time passes so agreeably when one happens to be 
 
6 POOR PIIiLICODDY. 
 
 married, I don't know whether that's the general opinion, but my ex- 
 perience — and I have been married six months — warrants me — I might 
 say, authorizes me — publicly to repeat my observation, that time 
 passes so agreeably when one happens to be married ! 
 
 Sarah (r.). I'm glad to see you've been watering the plants, sir. It 
 begins to look like old times again. 
 
 PiL. (l.). I certainly went out into the grounds for that purpose, 
 .iarah, but, by the time I had half finished the job, I suddenly discov- 
 ered, upon looking into the watering-pot, that I had entirely forgotten 
 the water — which water is, I believe, generally, if not universally, 
 acknowledged to be an important auxiliarj'^ in the operation of 
 watering. 
 
 Sarah {shaking her head). Ah, sir, that shows that you were think- 
 ing of something else. Things are going on veiy bad, sir. 
 
 PiL. On the contrary, I think they are going on remarkably well — 
 the bulbs especially. 
 
 Sarah. Bulbs! t mean the business, sir. 
 
 PiL. Well, bulbs is business. 
 
 Sarah. Ah, sir, I'd give a whole year's wages to see you standing 
 behind that counter again, with your apron on, serving out a penn'orth 
 of seeds. 
 
 PiL. So you will, Sarah, in time. You wouldn't grudge your mas- 
 ter — your in iiilgent master — a little occasional relaxation '? 
 
 Sarah. Is > ; but the little occasional relaxation you talk of has been 
 going on for the last six months. In short, sir, you've quite neglected 
 the business. 
 
 PiL. I'm a\Yare of it, Sarah. When I married, I put this question to 
 myself, and I put it seriously, Sarah — " Shall I attend to my business, 
 or to my pleasure ?" And I at once unhesitatingly decided in favor of 
 the latter. 
 
 Sarah. And you'll be sorry for it ! 
 
 PiL. I don't know what I may be, but at present I experience no sen- 
 sation of the kind whatever — on the contrary, I feel that I could devote 
 myself to my present career of innocent dissipation for the remainder 
 of my existence without a murmur. 
 
 Sarah. Ah, sir, if you only knew "Avhat your customers say, when 
 they never find you in the shop. 
 
 PiL. Sarah, if my customers don't approve of my domestic habits, 
 they may indulge their horticultural and floricultural inclinations at 
 some other establishment. You may inform them, individually and 
 collectively, with my compliments, that whenever Mis. Pillicoddy 
 wishes me to go out shopping with her, out shopping with her I will 
 go— that if Mrs. Pillicoddy can't, even go to market without me, she 
 shall not go. 
 
 Sarah. You needn't go and get into a passion, sir. 
 
 PiL. I'm not going to get into anything at all, Sarah. I can otdy 
 think of my happiness — for I consider myself the ha|)piest man in the 
 whole county of Hampshire. 1 am prepared to lay wagers to an enor- 
 mous amount, that I'm ihe happiest man in the whole county of Ilam])- 
 shire— I wouldn't mind including Wiltshire. B\'-the-bye, has Mrs. Sim- 
 cox, the milliner, been here with a new bonnet 1 
 
 Sarah. No, sir. 
 
 PiL. Has anybody in the employ of Mrs. Simcox, the milliner, been 
 here witli a new bonnet? 
 
 Sarah. No, sir. 
 
 PiL. Simcox and I shall quarrel. I foresee a storm brewing between 
 Simcox and me. 
 
POOR PILIilCODDY. 7 
 
 Sarah. Another new bonnet for missus ! Five of them in less than 
 three weeks ! That's pretty well, I think ! 
 
 PiL. If I chose to go on purchasing new bonnets every five minutes 
 for the rest of my life, I presume I am at liberty to do so. 
 
 Sarah. But she can't Avear them all, sir. 
 
 PiL. Not all at once — that I'm perfectly aware of. 
 
 Sarah. You'll excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid you indulge missus a 
 leetle too much. 
 
 PiL. Perhaps I do — but I can't help it. Mrs. Pillicoddy has such a 
 winning way with her. I assure you that her playful manner of direct- 
 ing my attention to a new shawl, or a new dress, in a shop window, 
 must be seen in order to be appreciated. And then, when I purchase 
 the article in question, her style of saying "thank ye" — her "thank 
 ye's" are not at all like the general run of " thank ye's" — she says 
 " thank ye" as if she really meant thank ye. Ah, Sarah, you don't know 
 w'hat it is to have a young wife. 
 
 Sarah. No — and what's more, I'm sure I never shall. 
 
 PiL. Don't be sure of anything — there's no knowing what may hap- 
 pen. Look at me ! — wasn't I notorious for my antipathy to the matri- 
 monial state 1 
 
 Sarah. Yes, but that was before j'ou saw Mrs. Pillicoddy as is. Ah, 
 she certainly was a blooming young widow. 
 
 PiL. {starting). Sarah, how often have I told you never to allude to 
 Mrs. Pillicoddy's former state 1 It's painful to me — distressing to me — 
 the very word " widow" puts my flesh all of a creep, just as if there 
 were several rakes being drawn backwards and forwards all over ray 
 body — up and down my back especially. 
 
 Sarah. Well, I'm sure, sir, if I had known you didn't like her to be 
 called a widow, I wouldn't have called her a widow, And yet, if she 
 hadn't been a w'idow, you couldn't have married her. My brother Tom 
 married a widow — poor fellow ! 
 
 PiL. What do you mean by "poor follow" "? 
 
 Sarah. Why, because he turned up again. 
 
 PiL. Your brother Tom? 
 
 Sarah. No — t'other chap. 
 
 PiL. 0, t'other chap ! May I inquire who the individual you desig- 
 nate as " t'other chap" is 1 
 
 Sarah. Why, the first husband. He was a sailor, and everybody — 
 brother Tom included — thought him safe and snug at the bottom of the 
 sea. But, as I said before, up he turned, for all that. By-the-by, 
 missus's first husband— Captain O'Scuttle — was supposed to be drowned, 
 wasn't he 1 
 
 PiL. Supposed to be drowned ! What do you mean by supposed to 
 be drowned? He was drowned — very much drowned. The ship went 
 to pieces in the chops of the channel, and so did he. 
 
 Sarah. But they never found him'? 
 
 PiL. No. He was so completely and entirely lost, that they never 
 contrived to pick up the smallest possible particle of him. 
 
 Sarah. That's just what they said about brother Tom's wife's first 
 
 husband ; but, nevertheless, as I said before 
 
 . PiL. Hold you tongue, Sarah, and leave me ! (crosses, u. 
 
 Sauau. Well, but. sir 
 
 Pir. Leave me! 
 
 Sarah. Well, I'm sure! [Exit, d. l. 1 e. 
 
 PiL. •' He turned up again !" A man universally believed to have 
 located himself for the remainder of his days among the cockles and peri- 
 winkles at the bottom of the sea, that man " turned up again." Totally 
 
8 POOR PILIilCODDY. 
 
 regardless of the inconvenience which he must have known would at- 
 tend his reappearance, that man calmly and deliberately turned up 
 again. Suppose my wife's first should take it into his head to follow 
 the absurd example set him by Tom's wife's first 1 It won't bear 
 thinking about — and yet the thing's impossible I I appeal to any one. 
 Fifteen months at the bottom of the sea, and then turn up again. He 
 couldn't do it ! Then, on the other hand, it's just possible that he may 
 be floating about still, clinging convulsively to the main top jib, or the 
 main jib top, or waving his handkerchief, and frantically shouting for 
 assistance, on the very summit of one of the masts. Sometimes I fancy 
 that he may have been washed on shore on some desert island, where, 
 at this very moment, he may be wandering about like Robinson Crusoe, 
 with his umbrella, and his parrot, and his good man Friday. By-the- 
 by, wouldn't Mrs. Crusoe have been warranted in marrying again ? 
 wouldn't she have been perfectly justified in setting herself down as the 
 disconsolate widow of the late Robinson Crusoe, Esquire 1 Of course, 
 and so was Mrs Pillicoddy perfectly justified in considering that she 
 had lost her Scuttle. And yet that wretched mariner haunts me per- 
 petually. I dreamt about him last night. I thought he came to ray 
 bedside, stuck all over with seaweed and barnacles, with Neptune's 
 pitchfork in one hand, and his marriage certificate in the other, and de- 
 manded his wife. 
 
 Mrs. p. {without, l. 1 e.). Mr. Pillicoddy ! Mr. Pillicoddy ! 
 
 PiL. Here she comes ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. Pillicoddy, d. l. 1 e., loith a bonnet in lier liand. 
 
 Mrs. p. 0, my dear Mr. Pillicoddy, you are certainly the most kind, 
 attentive, indulgent little husband in the world ! 
 
 PiL. You approve of the bonnet ? She approves of the bonnet. 
 
 Mrs. p. It's a perfect love ! (admiring bonnet) In short, it would be 
 absolute perfection, but for one leetle drawback. 
 
 PiL. 0, there is a leetle drawback? And what may that leetle draw- 
 back be ] 
 
 Mrs. p. Simply that it dosen't fit me. 
 
 PiL. ! Well, I dare say that is an objection. But I am confident 
 my beloved Anastasia will do me the justice to bear in mind, that when 
 I purchased the article in question, I did not happen to have her head 
 with me. 
 
 Mrs. p. Luckily, Pillicoddy, dear Mrs. Simcox has another bonnet 
 which becomes me — you have no idea how it becomes me. To be sure, 
 it costs a leetle more money 
 
 PiL. 0, it costs a leetle more money, does it? Never mind — consider 
 it yours. 
 
 Mrs. p.. Thank ye. 
 
 PiL. (aside). 0, that style of saying " thank ye !" — (aloud) Anastasia ! 
 
 Mrs. p. Yes, Pillicoddy. 
 
 PiL. Don't call me Pillicoddy — address me as John Peter. If you 
 only knew how infinitely I prefer being called Xolin Peter, you wouldn't 
 hesitate to indulge nie by calling me John Peter. 
 
 Mrs. p. Well, then, John Peter— dear John Peter! 
 
 PiL. Am I really dear to you ? Now, Anastasia, I put it to you. If it 
 were in your power, would you at once summon a county meeting, and 
 publicly declare to the assembled thousands, that I am your dear John 
 Peter ? 
 
 Mrs. p. What a silly question ! 
 
POOE PILLICODDY. 9 
 
 PiL. Perhaps it is ; but I can't forget, Anastasia, that you've had a 
 first; that I'm only your second; and, consequently, that being your 
 second, I naturally come after your first. 
 Mrs. p. For shame, Mr. Pillicoddy ! 
 
 PiL. There, there — you're calling me Mr. Pillicoddy again ! Pillicod- 
 dy's a word of four syllables — John Peter's only three, and you prefer 
 the four. I can't make it out. I'll be bound you had no difficulty 
 whatever in calling your first by his Christian name. By-the-by, what 
 was his Christian name ? 
 Mrs. p. Nay. 
 
 PiL. I insist upon knowing my predecessor's Christian name, as be- 
 stowed upon him, at an early age, by his godfathers and godmothers. 
 Mrs. p. Well, then— Fitzpatrick. 
 
 PiL. 0, Fitzpatrick! Then, I suppose, it used to be " Dear Fitzpat- 
 rick " — or "Fitzpat" — or Pat, without the Fitz — or Fitz, without the 
 
 Pat 
 
 Mrs. p. I shan't answer you any more, sir — you're excessively dis- 
 agreeble ! 
 
 PiL. And Fitzpat was an angel ! I say, of course, Pitzfat — I mean 
 Fitzpit, was an angel ! 
 
 Mrs. p. On the contrary, lie was very violent in his temper, and ex- 
 tremely jealous. In short, during the three years. of our marriage, he 
 fought no less than thirteen duels on my account, and killed or wounded 
 his adversary in every instance. 
 
 PiL. Did he 1 Anastasia, suppose we change the subject 1 
 Mrs. p. {pouting). You always begin it. 
 
 PiL. 1 know I do — and I ought to be ashamed of myself. Oblige me 
 by telling me that I ought to be ashamed of myself, (taking her hand) 
 Ah, you've got that biacelet on again — that identical bracelet, given to 
 you by your first, on your wedding day — and which bracelet, I, your 
 second, have repeatedly requested you never to wear again. 
 Mrs. p. I took it up quite by accident. 
 
 PiL, You never take up any that I gave you quite by accident. 
 Mrs. p. You never gave me any. 
 
 PiL. That paltry excuse shall not avail you any longer, for I'll in- 
 stantly proceed to the nearest jeweller's, and purchase any quantity of 
 bracelets I think proper. 
 Mrs. p. Thank ye. 
 
 PiL. {aside). 0, that style of saying " thank ye " ! 
 Mrs. p. You'll not be long away, John Peter, dear 7 
 PiL. Long away from you, Anastasia % Judge of my impatience to be 
 with you by the [)ace at which I leave you. {runs out rapidly at c. d.) 
 Mrs. p. Ha, ha, ha ! Poor Mr. Pillicoddy ! What extraordinary 
 pains he does take to make himself uncomfortable ! The slightest al- 
 lusion to the late Cai)tain 0' Scuttle puts him at once into a fever of 
 excitement that would be positively alarming, if he didn't luckily happen 
 to be ridiculous — and yet, not five minutes' conveisation have we had 
 upon any matter whatever, since we've been married that Mr. Pillicod- 
 dy hasn't contrived, somehosv or other, to introduce that unfortunate 
 subject, {hell rings, r. u. e.) It's very evident to me that his mind is by 
 no means in a quiescent state. He did notl}ing but talk in his sleep last 
 night about Robinson Crusoe — and this very morning at breakfast, 
 when I called his attention to an article in the Hampshire Chronicle, 
 headed " Extraordinary Preseiwation from Shipwreck," he nearly 
 choked himself with a bit of muffin, and asked me, in the most plaintive 
 tone imaginable, if I particularly wished to be the death of him. What 
 it all means I can't imagine, 
 
10 POOR PILLTCODDY. 
 
 Enter Sarah, c. d. h., icith a letter. 
 
 Sarah {as slie enters). I hear what you say, my good man. [looking 
 at letter) A letter for missus — to be delivered into missus' own hands I 
 A plague of these new-fashioned enwellops, I say ! There's no longer 
 any chance for a poor ignorant servant picking up a little useful infor- 
 mation. Not that I've an atom of curiosity ! {looking into letter, r.) 
 
 Mrs. p. So it seems ! {tapping her on the shoulder.) 
 
 Sarah. A letter, ma'am, if you please — just come by the "Winchester 
 carrier — at the back door. 
 
 Mrs. p. {taking letter). The Winchester carrier ? 
 
 Sarah. Yes, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. P. {o^jening letter, and reading). Ha! Leave me. 
 
 Sarah {aside). Now she's at it ! {aloud) Yes, ma'am, {going behind 
 counter, v.., and taking up slate) Four and seven eleven— eleven and 
 nine twenty — twenty and seven 
 
 Mrs. p. Sarah, 1 desired you to leave me. 
 
 Sarah. I'm going, ma'am, {aside) Rather a suspicious business this 
 Winchester carrier ! {crosses to l.) 
 
 Mrs. p. Sarah, do you hear me ? 
 
 Sarah. Yes, ma'am, {as she goes out, l.) Twenty and seven are 
 twenty-seven ; put down seven and carry a Winchester carrier — no, 
 carry a Winchester carrier, and put down [Exit, d. l. 1 e. 
 
 Mrs. p. {icatching her oiU). She's gone — and now for another pe- 
 rusal of this extraordinary ei)istle from cousin Julia, {reading) " Dearest 
 Anastasia — I am the most miserable woman in the world." A pleasant 
 beginning! •' My husband is a wretch — a good-for-nothing monster — 
 and never, never, never will I look upon his odious face again ! I have 
 just arrived here from Portsmouth, and will be with you almost as soon 
 as YOU receive this. Your poor, almost, if not entirely, broken-hearted 
 JtTLiA." Well, Julia has certainly succeeded in exciting my curiosity. 
 What can have happened 1 I -suppose I must patiently await her ar- 
 rival for a solution of the mystery. 
 
 Mrs. O'Scuttle appiears at c. d. r 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Anastasia! 
 Mus. P. Julia ! 
 Mrs. O'S. Are you alone 1 
 Mrs. p. Come in. 
 
 Mrs. O'Scuttlr enters, c. d. r.. carrying a small car2)et-bag in one 
 hand, and a large green umbrella in the other. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. {going iq) to Mrs. Pillicoddy). Anastasia Pillicoddy, look 
 in my face, and tell me if I don't look the very picture of misery. Make 
 me happy, Anastasia, by telling me that 1 look the very picture of 
 misery I 
 
 Mrs. p. (r.). Don't be foolish, Julia, but immediately explain. 
 
 Mus. O'S. The reason why you see me here, with my carpet-bag in 
 one hand and my umbrella in the other — (Mrs. P. places cJiairs ; they 
 sit) I will ! It's just four years ago, Anastasia Pillicoddy, since you 
 and I got up one very cold, frosty morning, and walked, arm in arm, 
 to Gosport church, where we were severally united in the bonds of 
 matrimony to the men of our hearts — you to Captain Fitzpatrick OScut- 
 tle, and I to his second cousin, Captaiu Fitzgerald O'Scuttle. At the 
 
POOR PILIilCODDY. 11 
 
 end of three years your husbar\d disappeared in a gale of wind, and left 
 you a widow. I wish I could say the same of mine. 
 
 Mrs. p. Julia, for shame ! 
 
 Mrs. O'S. You think the expression too energetic. Wait till you hear 
 the atrocious particulars. When my husband sailed on his last voyage, 
 a year ago, I requested, as a particular favor, to be allowed to accom- 
 pany him. 
 
 Mrs. p. Which request he very properly refused. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Anastasia Pillicoddy, don't interrupt me. Well, the 
 "Lively Polly " sailed without me, and my husband said he should re- 
 turn in six months. At the end of that time I got a letter from him, 
 saying he shouldn't be back quite so soon. Three months passed, and 
 1 got another letter, saying he had been detained by contrary winds 
 and strong currents — very convenient things these contrary winds 
 and strong currents. A whole year passed, and T was gradually be- 
 coming tolerably comfortable in my atflicted state, when, yesterday 
 morning, at breakfast, news was brought me that the " Lively Polly " 
 had been signalled off the Point. Of course I went into ecstasies — but 
 they didn't last long. 
 
 Mrs. p. What do you mean 1 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Judge for yourself. I liad no sooner heard the news of 
 the " Lively Polly's" safe arrival than in came the mate of the vessel, 
 whom my husband had sent on shore. He had two letters in his 
 hand — one for me, and the other for an intimate friend of my hus- 
 band's. I offered to deliver it. I took it, and- 
 
 Mrs. p. Opened if? 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Decidedly opened it ! The contents paralyzed me ! I 
 believe I labored under a severe attack of hysterics for at least five 
 minutes. There's the letter. Devour its contents, {they rise from 
 chairs.) 
 
 Mrs. p. {reading). "Dear Tom" 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Yes — the letter's addressed to one Captain Thomas Trum- 
 pet — some marine monster that I never even heard of. 
 
 Mrs. p. {reads). " Dear Tom — I hasten to announce" 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Never mind that — come at once to the P. S. 
 
 Mrs. p. {reads). " Postscript. — I forgot to mention that I have 
 brought a Jenny to England with me." 
 
 Mrs. O'S. You hear ! He's brought a Jenny with him ! Go on. 
 
 Mrs. p. {reads). " That pretty little creature that I told you I had 
 met with a few months after leaving England." 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Go on. 
 
 Mrs. p. {reads). " Now, my dear Tom, you must take charge of her 
 for the present, as my wife must be kept entirely in the dark — you un- 
 derstand." 
 
 Mrs. O'S. The wretch! 
 
 Mrs. p. Well, Julia, I must confess that your husband's conduct is 
 certainly a little suspicious. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. A tittle suspicious ! I'd give a trifle to see the expression 
 of your face, if you suddenly discovered that Mr. Pillicoddy had got a 
 pretty little Jenny ! 
 
 Mrs. p. I should instantly demand an explanation of him, wiiich I 
 advise you to do of your husband, by returning to Portsmouth imme- 
 diately. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Distinctly and decidedly, no ! 
 
 Mrs. p. But I am afraid you cannot remain here. Mr. Pillicoddy 's 
 notions of female propriety are so scrupulous, that I am sure he would 
 severely blame your conduct in leaving your home. 
 
12 POOB PILIilCODDY. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Then I'll go elsewhere ! 
 
 Mrs. P. Stay; I think I can find the accommodation you require in 
 the house of a friend of mine. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. 0, thank you ! Ha — some one is coming ! 
 
 Mrs. p. Then step into my room, and I'll rejoin you immediately. 
 Hush — go in ! [Mrs. O' Scuttle exit, r. d. 2 e. 
 
 Enter Sarah, d. l. 1 e. 
 
 Sarah. Please, ma'am, here's one of Mrs. Simcox's young women 
 wishes to know if you'd like to try on the bonnet you were looking at 
 this morning 1 
 
 Mrs. p. Yes. Show her into the parlor, and I'll come to her directly. 
 Has Mr. Pillicoddy returned '? 
 
 Sarah. I haven't seen him, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs, p. (aside). Perhaps I had better inform him at once of Julia's 
 arrival, (to her) When your master comes in tell him I wish to speak 
 with him. 
 
 Sarah. Yes, ma'am. Any orders for dinner, ma'am 7 
 
 Mrs. p. Ask your master. 
 
 Sarah. Yes, ma'am. Hadn't the kittens better be drowned, ma'am? 
 
 Mrs. p. Ask your master. [Exit, d. l. 1 e. 
 
 Sarah. Ask your master. And when I do ask master it'll be, " Ask 
 your missus." I begin to suspect there's a change a- taking place. I 
 thought the sun couldn't be always a-shining. Well, as I said before, 
 so much the better for the business. And, talking of business — let me 
 see once more if I can't make that little account right, (takes up date, 
 and stands at counter, with her back to the audience.) 
 
 Enter Captain O'Scuttle, r. c. d., dressed in a rough pea-jacket, large 
 white trousers, straw hat, etc. He enters hurriedly, looks about 
 the stage, then begins icalking to and fro rapidly. 
 
 Capt. I can't be mistaken ! No — I- saw a female enter this house — a 
 smart, rakish-looking little craft, just the same build and rigging as 
 Mrs. Scuttle — but for the life of me I couldn't distinguish her figure- 
 head. However, I've traced her to Southampton ; and, by the i>owers, 
 I'll not give up the chase till I discover her latitude and longitude. 
 (seeing Sarah) Ha! (takes Sarah by the arm, drags her forward, 
 turns her toicards him, and looks into her face) No! (icalks about 
 again.) 
 
 Sarah. "No!" What does he mean by ''Nol" I beg your pardon, 
 .sir, but 
 
 Capt. What's the matter? 
 
 Sarah. That's what I want to know. 
 
 Capt. Then I dont mind telling you You must know, then, in- 
 quisitive female, that (as if hearing something) Ha. \ (looking off) 
 
 No! As I was going to say, you n)ust know that it's just one year and 
 three days since I and my " Lively Polly" weighed anchor and sailed 
 from Portsmouth 
 
 Sarah. Really, sir, you must excuse me ; but it can't possibly signify 
 to me what happened to you, or your Lively Polly either. I never saw 
 you in my life before, and I Know nothing wiiatever of the young 
 woman. 
 
 Capt. Silence ! Well, I had intondod (.'<amc play as before) Ha ! 
 
 {looking off') No! I repeat, I had inteni^'d to return in six months; 
 
POOR PILLTOODDY. 13 
 
 but I wasn't able. In the first place I was detained by the cur- 
 rents 
 
 Sahah {aside). 0, not quite ripe, I suppose ! 
 
 Capt. Well, at length we got back to Portsmouth (same play) 
 
 Ha! {holes off) No! v i- ^/ 
 
 Sarah (aside). How the man does annoy me with his "noes," to be 
 sure ! 
 
 Capt. We made the Point at six p. m. yesterday, and I leave you to 
 imagine my surprise and indignation when I tell you that the "Lively 
 Polly " had no sooner cast anchor than my wife cut her cable and run 
 before the wind ! Now, what d'ye say to that 1 
 
 Sarah. Why it wouldn't be much use her running after the wind ; 
 but why did she cut poor Polly's dSible 1 
 
 Capt. Inquisitive female, you're slightly stupid ! 
 
 Sarah. Well, I'm sure ! In one word, sir, what do you want in this 
 house ? 
 
 Capt. I want the master of it ! 
 
 Sarah. -Mr. Pillicoddy? 
 
 Capt. Don't know, (aside) Never heard of him. (aloud) Very well — 
 let's say Pillicoddy. 
 
 Sarah. Say Pillicoddy 1 It is Pillicoddy ! 
 
 Capt. With all my heart. But tell me first — how many women have 
 you on board ? 
 
 Sarah. On board 1 What, board wages 1 
 
 Capt. Pshaw ! There's a lady in the house 
 
 Sarah. Yes, sir — master's wife. 
 
 Capt. Pshaw I I mean the other. 
 
 Sarah. His other wife 1 
 
 Capt. Pshaw 1 Is there no other young and lovely female here be- 
 sides your mistress 1 
 
 Saijah There's only me, sir. 
 
 Capt. Pshaw! Where's Pilli — you know. Where's youv master { 
 
 Sarah. Just stepped out, sir — but he'll soon be back. 
 
 Capt. So will I — and you may tell him so. 
 
 Sarah. Yes, sir. Please sir, what name shall I 
 
 Capt. True. Tell him that one Captain No, on second thoughts, 
 
 don't mention my name. 
 
 Sarah. I don't know it. 
 
 Capt. Then be sure you don't tell him. I'll be back immediately, 
 and, in the meantime, you can just inform this Mv. Pilli — I forget the 
 
 rest of him — that if he presumes to trifle with me, by the powers I'll 
 
 (same play as before) Ha ! (looks out) No ! 
 
 \Exit, R. c. n., slamming it molently after him. 
 
 Sarah. Was there ever such a bear ! He oughtn't to be allowed to 
 go about without a muzzle ! He says his wife has run away from him. 
 Of course she has. What could the man expect ? But what can be 
 possibly want with master, I wonder '? 0, here he comes ! 
 
 Enter Pillicoddy, r. c. d. 
 Well, sirl 
 
 PiL. Well, Sarah 1 
 
 Sarah. What is it ? 
 
 PiL. What is whaf? 
 
 Sarah. Didn't you meet him 1 
 
 PiL. Whoi 
 
 Sarah. The individual who's Just been here for you 
 
 PiL. What's the individual's name? 
 
14. 
 
 POOR PIIiLICODDY. 
 
 Sarah. Don't know, sir. 
 
 PiL. What's the individual's business "? 
 
 Sakah. Can't tell, sir. 
 
 PiL. 0— a sailor! 
 
 PiL. (giving a violent j 1(7712)). A ftldy 7 
 bARAH. Lor', sir— what's the matter t 
 
 ai.l..'t inquire for the lady ^thollJtS^ingt^'jal^^ ^ ^^ ^^^^'^^ ''' 
 
 bARAii. He merely said she was a young and lovely female and as he 
 ^anl t wasnt me, 1 can only suppose he meant missul ' 
 
 I'L. [giving another hound). Ah! 
 
 Sarah. Don't, sir I 
 
 PiL. Well, I won't— for now that I am able to reflect calmlv and di^ 
 pa s.onately upon the occurrence that has just take^^'face I fed it 
 
 abouUoutll^n^'to.K ~^" estabhshments for young ladies in or 
 
 P^L''wii?he'7 ' 'Th" ^''-7 '" f •^""' ''' ^'•' ^°'' ^^^'^' ^^^ ^^^k directly, 
 and iinex ec ed i.^J n ? "'^'i;'\ ^" ■"' ^^■'''' "'>' ^«'»Plimenl,s, that sudden 
 ana unexpected busniess will deian. me for the ne.xtsix months 
 
 Sarah Lor', s,r ! I told him you'd be in directly. 
 IT,: M- l""" T' Sarah-I'm indebted to von. Perhaps you'll idd to 
 
 Sarah. Yes, sir. 
 
 PiL. And Sarah— not a word to your mistress, 
 shmtlrl^f; ^.'^': . ^«'''' «'»•' talking of missus, only suppose as how this 
 '%T. Hol^yo^ toZ;' "^ '''''' ' ^ '''^'' •' ^^"-^ ^- •' 
 
 Tc^t m;^ht'i:;^:'t:i:Z!"^^^^^" ^"^^^' -•' ^^^-^ ^-PP-ed to brother 
 PiL. Hold your tongue, I saj I 
 Sauah (going). Any orders' for dinner, sir '? 
 PiL. Ask your mistress 
 
 riL. Ask your mistress. 
 -ftc!'«','c!"*'*^- ' '"'" '"■ '^""'' "'"' '^"<^"> «'"-en-elev-e,, a,„l nine 
 
 ,:,' /!"="■ It my <lieani should l,e coming true ' what if thii i„v, 
 
 Wo tf?l l^, '"'.'^'"'-'"y ^eptiine-n,y Robinson Crusoe ! No ; sucli a 
 coSdv No ;ij;r'' •"■''■^ -"ir'-' '« l""'l'"- Ton,, but not'to Pi li^ 
 up lus wiles liist. I leel inwardly couviuced tliat the aforesaid fates 
 
POOE PILLICODDY. 15 
 
 could not be so unkind to Pillicoddy. Then let this salt-water individ- 
 ual present himself, and the sooner the better. 
 
 Sarah (loithout). He's cominor, sir. Look, sir — that's him, a-leaning 
 up against the pump over the way. 
 
 PiL. {going toe. d.). Yes, there he is, sure enough. Holloa! what's 
 he about ? Taking a deliberate aim at the window with some species 
 of firearm ! No — it's a telescope. Now, really [walks across to b ) 
 
 Enter Captain O'Scuttle, r. c. d., with telescope. 
 
 Capt. (l., to Pillicoddy). Stop ! I'll trouble you to shorten sail and 
 bring t<>. 
 
 PiL. (r.). B-ring two 7 Two what ? 
 
 Capt. Pshaw ! So, sir, it seems I've found you at last ? 
 
 PiL. It certainly does seem so — I am not prepared to deny the fact 
 that it does seem so. 
 
 Capt. I believe your name is Pilli something or other ? 
 
 PiL. No, sir, it is not Pilli something or other— it's Pillicoddy ! John 
 Peter Pillicoddy. 
 
 Capt. No matter. 
 
 PiL. I beg your pardon — it does matter. And now, sir, if there is 
 anything I can do for you 
 
 Capt. There is. You can hold your tongue, as soon as convenient, 
 and listen to me. {in amvy sudden and loud tone) She's here ! 
 
 PiL. {starting). There's no necessity, sir, for exercising your organ 
 in that absui'd manner, 
 
 Capt. I repeat, she's here ! You can't deny it. Don't speak— you 
 haven't a word to say— don't interrupt me ! How did she come here X 
 when did she come here 1 why did she come here ? 
 
 PiL. Really, my dear sir, the pronoun she being applicable to the en- 
 tire female sex, I must trouble you clearly to define the particular she 
 you mean by she. 
 
 Capt. My wife, sir ! 
 
 PiL. {aside). His wife! {slightly staggering) Holloa, Pillicoddy, what 
 are you abouf? No nonsense, Pillicoddy— be firm— be fi\-m\ — {aloud 
 and suddenly) Pooh ! pooh ! I beg to observe, there's nothing personal 
 in my pooh ! pooh ! therefore, as I said before, pooh ! pooh 1-1 know 
 nothing of your wife— how should 1 1 There's only one married female 
 in this house, and she happens to be ray wife. 
 
 Capt. Don't trifle with me, Pilli— whatever it is. I saw her— dis- 
 tinctly saw her at a window on that side of the house— and that must 
 be the room, {points to door r. 2 e ) 
 
 PiL. {aside). Anastasia's apartment ! {looking about for a chair to 
 faint upon.) 
 
 Capt. So, sir, if you've no objection we'll have her out. {going to- 
 wards r. d. 2 e.) • 1 I 
 
 PiL. {throiDing himself before CAFTAiii). Beware, raarmer--beware 
 I'm small but desjjerate— diminutive, but determmed. {mide) And 
 yet, now I'think of it, Sarah told me that Mrs. Pillicoddy had just gono 
 out'; so it couldn't be her he saw— it must have been his fancy— he 
 must have seen his fancy. Ha, ha, ha ! I breathe again, {aloud to Cap- 
 tain) Very well, sir ; as vou will insist upon it that your wile is m that 
 room, have her out, by all means. There doesn't happen to be any- 
 bdoy 1 here— but, nevertheless, have her out. 
 
 Capt. {tumble to ojM.n door, r. 2 e.). 0, there's nobody here, eh ? 
 Then how if? it that the door happens to be locked on the mside ot it, 
 eh y {looking through the key-hole.) 
 
]6 POOR PILIilCODDT. 
 
 PiL. (aside). She must have come back ! (seeing Captain, and vio- 
 lentli/ jmlling ?iwi aicay) Holloa, sir! No looking through the key- 
 hole — delicacy forbids. 
 
 Capt. Hark ye, Pilli— whatever it is — don't presume to trifle with me 
 any longer, or, by the blood of the O'Scnttles 
 
 PiL. (in a vert/ 2'>laintive tone). The what ? 
 
 Capt. The O'Scnttles ! Captain 0' Scuttle stands before you. 
 
 PiL. Are you that man? (seizing Captain's hand) Does this hand 
 really and truly grasp a Scuttle 7 {brings down a chair, arranges 
 cushion, etc., and then deliberately sits doicn and faints — then suddenly 
 jumps up again, and with a sudden air of gayety) Stop — wait a bit ! 
 My dear sir, allow me to call your attention to a trifling but important 
 fact, that seems to have entirely slipped your memory, and that is, that 
 you are drowned. 
 
 Capt. Oh, I'm drowned, am 1 1 
 
 PiL. You know you are. You are this moment at the bottom of the 
 sea. There was no end of tears shed on your account at first; but 
 now you are forgotten, the world gets on very comfortably without 
 you — so why destroy the agreeable delusion 1 I put it to you — 
 why destroy the agreeable delusion 1 Now, go back from whence 
 you came. I have considered the point in all its bearings, and I 
 should be neglecting a duty — a sacred duty — if I did not advise you 
 to go back from whence you came. 
 
 Capt. Thank ye ; but I've had enough of the sea for some time. 
 
 PiL. I should think so ; but you don't seem much the worse for it. 
 (aside) I don't see any barnacles about him. 
 
 Capt. Let me tell you shipwreck's no joke. It's no trifle to be wan- 
 dei'ing about on an island like Kobinson Crusoe. 
 
 PiL. (aside). There! I thought as much. 
 
 Capt. It's my belief I should have died if it hadn't been for the 
 natives. 
 
 PiL. (aside). Shipwrecked on an oyster-bed ! The luck of some peo- 
 ple is perfectly miraculous. 
 
 Capt. However, sir, I once again beheld the white cliffs of old Eng- 
 land, and I forgot all my troubles in contemplating the affectionate, 
 loving Avelcome of my wife. 
 
 PiL. (aside). Poor devil. 
 
 Capt. But it wasn't to bo, sir. Excuse these tears. 
 
 PiL. Don't mind me, sir — get rid of the superfluous salt water, by all 
 means, (aside) I really feel for the man — to me there's something pecu- 
 liarly touching in the contemplation of a jolly tar, when he's not jolly. 
 
 Capt. Mrs. O'Scuttle had left her home, (sighing deeply.) 
 
 PiL. (aside). He calls her Mrs. O'Scuttle. Then he"s not aware — he 
 seems so entirely broken down by grief, ))hysically as well as mentally, 
 that I think I'll ventui'e to tell him. (aloud) My dear sir, will you allow 
 me to mention to you, in confidence, that when you presented yoinself 
 before me for the first time I immediately made this observation to my- 
 self within myself: " If ever there was a man cut out by nature to bear 
 a shock like a Briton, yonder man is that man ! "' I don t wish to flatter 
 you, but to myself, within myself, 1 made that observation. 
 
 Capt. Indeed ! And pray, sir, didn't it occur to you, at the same 
 time, that I Avas just the sort of man to cut your throat, or any other 
 man's that dared to do me any injury ? (very fiercely.) 
 
 PiL. Why, no — I can't say 
 
 Capt. Can't you? Then, by the po\vers, I'll show you it is so, if you 
 don't immediately and satisfactorily explain how it is that I find my 
 wife in this house. 
 
POOB PILLICODDY. 17 
 
 PiL, Yonv wifel When you say your wife, of course you are nat- 
 urally and powerfully impressed with the pleasing but slightly erroneous 
 idea that she is your wife, 
 Capt. What d'ye mean 1 
 
 PiL. Mean 1 {exclaiming) Good gracious ! Did it never occur to 
 you, as you were wandering about your island like a wretched Robin- 
 son Crusoe, that your wife might naturally fancy herself a widow — and 
 that, fancying herself a widow, she might equally naturally endeavor 
 to console herself for your loss by — — 
 Capt. What '? 
 
 PiL. Can't you guess 1 {Ugliis gradually darken.) 
 
 Capt. No. {Y\-LhicoD\>Y ichispers across to (^kviax^) Speak out! 
 
 PiL. {getting behind cliair — shouting). By marrj'ing again ! 
 
 Capt. Marrying again 1 Ha, ha, ha ! That would be a mighty 
 good joke. Ha, ha„ ha ! 
 
 PiL. {aside). He takes it remarkably well, (advancing) Ha, ha, ha ! 
 {increasiag in loudness) Ha, ha, ha ! Then you're not offended 1 you 
 don't mind it 1 You're a great creature, and I respect you. {taking 
 Captain's hand) I respect you much, but, under existing circum- 
 stances, don't you think it would be as well for you to — Umph ! {point- 
 ing towards c. d.) In short, don't you think it would be better for you 
 to — {j)oints to c.) Umph ! 
 
 Capt. What <!' ye mean'? 
 
 PiL. Why, if she were to know that you've turned up again 
 
 Capt. She'? AVho '? 
 
 PiL. My wife! 
 
 Capt. I can't see how that can possibly matter to her — all I want is 
 my Avife. 
 
 PiL. Well, your wife, or my wife — it's all the same. 
 
 Capt. All the same '? 
 
 PiL. Of course. We may say our wife, eh 1 Ha, ha, ha ! {louder) 
 Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Capt. 'Sdeath and the devil! You don't mean to say that Mrs 
 O'Scutlle 
 
 PiL. Mrs. Pillicoddy, if it's the same to you. 
 
 Capt. Bother Mrs. Pillicoddy ! I repeat, you don't mean to say that 
 Mrs. 0' Scuttle 
 
 PiL. Bother Mrs. O'Scuttle ! You either can't or won't understand, 
 that by your absurd and capricious conduct — first in getting yourself 
 drowned, and then turning up again — you and I, at this present moment, 
 have only one wife between us. 
 
 Capt. What, you don't mean to say you've married my wife ! 
 
 PiL. Certainly not, sir. I've married your widow. 
 
 Capt. Widow 1 How can that be, when I'm alive '? 
 
 PiL. But you have no business to be alive — it's the height of absurd- 
 ity on your part to be alive. 
 
 Capt. Faithless, perjured woman ! But I'll be the death of her "? 
 
 PiL. Then we shall be worse off than we are now — we shall have no 
 wife at all between us. 
 
 Capi'. It certainly is a bit of a blunder. 
 
 PiL. A very considerable bit. 
 
 Capt. However, luckily, the remedy is simple enough. 
 
 Pir,. I'm delighted to hear it. What is it 1 
 
 Capt. Either I shoot you, or you shoot me. 
 
 PiL. It's vety handsome of you to give me the choice. I'll shoot 
 you. 
 
 Capt. {fiercely). No ! 
 
POOR PILIilCODDY. 
 
 PiL. Can anything be fairer 1 
 
 Capt. No ! 
 
 PiL. Very, well then 
 
 Capt. No! 
 
 PiL, Why, just now you 
 
 Capt. No ! 
 
 PiL. You distinctly said 
 
 Capt. No ! 
 
 PiL. Yes — you've said no several times, but 
 
 Capt. That'll do ! Tell Mrs. O'Scuttle 
 
 PiL. Mrs. Pillicoddy ? 
 
 Capt. Mrs. O'Scuttle! 
 
 PiL. Pillicoddy ! 
 
 Capt. Tell her to pack up instantly, and prepare to accompany her 
 lawful husband 
 
 PiL. That's me ! 
 
 Capt. Me ! 
 
 PiL. Me! 
 
 Capt. I'll be back directly. 
 
 PiL. {not listening to Mm). Me! 
 
 Capt. You hear ! [Exit, Jiurriedly, c. d. 
 
 PiL. Me! {sliouting after Mm) Me I {iccdking doicn rapidly to front) 
 What's to be done ? Give up Anastasia ? Never ! What would life 
 be to me without ray Anastasia ] Nothing. What would Anastasia be 
 to me without life 1 Nothinger still — so let my cry be, " Anastasia or 
 death!" with a decided preference for Anastasia. Ah — yes! If we 
 could only make our escape together, before this infuriated Scuttle re- 
 turns — yes, yes. [the stage is 11020 dark. He runs to r. d. 2 e, and 
 shakes it violently) Open the door! {shakes door again) Open the door, 
 I say! The house is on fire! {shouting. A slight scream is heard. 
 Door opens, r. 2 e., and Mrs. O'Scuttle appears — he seizes her and 
 drags her forward) It's I — your Pillicoddy — your John Peter ! My 
 dream — my nightmare's come true — Robinson Crusoe has turned up 
 again — I mean, your husband — no, not your husband 
 
 Mrs. O'S. {aside). I thought so. I was sure I heard the good-for- 
 nothing fellow's voice. 
 
 PiL. He comes here from some distant oyster-bed or other, to drag 
 you away from me — from me, your own John Peter ! 
 
 Mrs. O'S. {aside). Can it be possible % Does he still love mel 
 
 PiL. He says he adores you — so much so, that he swears he'll be the 
 death of you, and me too — so let's fly together, beloved of my soul — 
 let's fly together ! {dragging at her.) 
 
 Mus. O'S. {aside). Who can this be ? What matchless impudence ! 
 
 PiL. Wiltshire invites us. Fly with me — your second — your own true, 
 fond, devoted second — d — n you first — he's drowned ! I'm your hus- 
 band ! 
 
 Mrs. OS. Unhand me ! {breaks from Mm, and runs out, c. d., and 
 goes into greenJiousc, c.) 
 
 PiL. Slie breaks from me. I understand it all. She loves her first 
 — she said so. She'll follow her first through the world — she'll put 
 down her Pillicoddy and take up lier Scuttle — she said so. 0, what exe- 
 crable taNt3 1 to say nothing of the base ingratitude of the woman — after 
 the no end of new bonnets I've given her. What will become of me 1 
 Curiosity is not naturally one of my failings, but it would be satisfactory 
 to me to have some faint idea of what will become of me. {seats himself 
 in chair, hiding Ms face in his hands.) 
 
I 
 
 POOR PILIilCODDY. 19 
 
 Enter Mrs. Pilucoddy, d. l. 1 e., a bandbox in her hand. Lights 
 
 down. 
 
 Mrs. p. (aside, as she enters). Surely I cannot be mistaken — the 
 gentleman that I caught a ghmps of a lew minutes ago, walking about 
 the grounds. I haven't seen Captain 0' Scuttle foi' four years — and it is 
 almost too dark to recognize any one to a certainty — yet I could almost 
 swear — (Pillicoddy sneezes) There's somebody here ! Can it be he 1 
 Jf so, I will inform him at once of Julia's arrival, {aloud) Ahem ! hem! 
 
 PiL. {hearing). Somebody with a cough, or a cold in the head. 
 
 Mus. P. {louder). Ahem! Who's there 1 
 
 PiL. {aside). Anastasia's voice! She's come back to implore my 
 pardon. 
 
 Mrs. P. Is it you, Captain 1 {louder) Is it you ? 
 
 PiL. {aside). Captain ! She thinks it's Robinson Crusoe. She takes 
 her second for her first, [aloud, and assuming sailor's voice and man- 
 ner) Ay, ay, my hearty ! Shiver my timbers ! Haul away, my 0, 
 boys ! 
 
 Mrs. p. {hastily, and approaching him). Then listen to me. {puts 
 doicn bandbox) Your wife is here. She may have acted a little impru- 
 dently, but I'm sure you'll forgive her, like a dear, kind, affectionate 
 husband that you are. Believe me, she loves you as dearly as ever ; 
 so lose no time, but take her away with you at once, before Mr. Pilli- 
 coddy knows anything about the matter. 
 
 PiL. {who during the above is variously agitated). Ha, ha, ha! {very 
 loud) Ha, ha, ha ! {weaker and weaker — then sinks down, crushing bon- 
 net box.) 
 
 Mrs. p. {alarmed). Why, it's Pillicoddy ! Help ! Sarah ! Sarah ! 
 
 Enter Sarah, r. 1 e., icith lighted candle. Lights up. 
 
 Saraif. Lor', missus — what's the matter? 
 
 Mrs. p. {seeing Pillicoddy). Why, I do declare, it's your master I 
 {calling) Pillicoddy ! John Peter ! 
 
 Sakaii. {holding candle close to his face). It's no use, ma'am. We'd 
 better put him to bed. You m^^ leave the key of the cellar about! 
 {putting down candle.) 
 
 Mrs. p. John Peter, I say — dear John Peter ! 
 
 PiL. {suddenly starting tip). Don't call me John Peter — call me Pil- 
 licoddy ! No, don't— call me if^■6•^er Pillicoddy. Go to your first ! Re- 
 sume your Scuttle ! Follow your Scuttle throughout the world ! Go, 
 perjured, capricious Anastasia— go ! Don't think to break my heart! 
 No, no ; here I'll sit, and calmly witness your departure. 
 
 Sarah. Now, do go to bed, sir. You're quite dreadful to look at ! 
 
 PiL. Silence, Sarah ! 
 
 Mrs. p. Well, but 
 
 PiL. Silence, I say ! I'm desperate— crazy— mad— frantic ! Ha, 
 ha, ha ! Tol de rol ! {singing and dancing) 
 
 " Can yor dance the Polka? 
 Won't you dance the Polka ?•" 
 Ha! {looking off at c.) He comes! Crusoe comes to claim his wife ! 
 The gentle Robinson approaches ! {shouting) Come in. Barnacles. 
 Don't be shy. Come in, I say {running to c. They hurry in, d. 
 
 K. 2 E.) 
 
 Enter Captain O'Scuttle, r. c. d. 
 {seizing hold of CaptaixV, and dragging him hurriedly towards r. d.) 
 
20 POOR PILLICODDY. 
 
 She's there — take her, and my blessing along with her ! {violently bon- 
 nets Captain, and forces liini off, r. d.) And now — now — wliat has Pil- 
 licoddy to live for ? Nothing. Ergo, Pillicoddy dies. Bat tlie means? 
 I can't swim, so it's no use thinking of drowning myself — and apoLiie- 
 caries won't dispense arsenic, except for rats — and although the major- 
 ity of apothecaries are proverbially credulous, still I feel it would be 
 useless for me to attempt to pass myself off as a specimen of that 
 sp3cies of vermin. Ha — yes — one of those numerous and long-neglect- 
 ed drawers {pointing to the nest of draiDers on counter) contains poppy 
 heads — the poppy heads, poppy seeds — and poppy seeds, when taken in- 
 cessantly for several weeks, produce immediate dissolution. Hap[)y 
 thought ! Here they are. {coming forioard with draiDcr) What whop- 
 pers ] Fortunate Pillicoddy — that ihey should happen to be whoppers ! 
 {eating, and filing his pockets icith the rest) Anything much more un- 
 savory—I might say nasty — I never tasted. Never mind — it'll soon be 
 over, {eating again) and then an inquest will be held upon me. Twelve 
 
 of my intimate friends and fellow-townsmen will But stop — the 
 
 worst of it is, that all this will add considerable to the perfidious Anas- 
 tasia's wordly happiness. 0, if I could only do something to destroy 
 the perfidious Anastasia's worldly happiness before the poppy heads 
 produce their effect. I declare they've made me quite slee[)y alread3^ 
 Ha ! what do I see ? {looking towards greenhouse, hack of c. d.) A 
 lovely female ! {seeing Mus. O'Scuttle, toho is seen in the greenhouse) 
 And shall I hesitate 1 No ! Anastasia, thus do I cast you off forever! 
 Thus do I tear your once-loved image from my bosom, and supply its 
 place with yonder exquisite stranger! Happy idea! I'll about it 
 straight, {stopping suddenly and yaicning) Holloa! what's the matter 
 with me? I feel quite — it's those confounded poppies! {shakes him- 
 self then dances up to Mrs, O'Scuttle, takes her hand and leads her 
 forward) Enchanting being! pardon the candor of a stranger — a total 
 stranger — but I have a request to make — a trifling one — and that is, 
 that you will from this moment enshrine me in the innermost recesses 
 of your heart. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. (r.). Sir! 
 
 PiL. (l.). Now do — graceful, swan-like creature, do — and I swear to 
 you, on honor of a Pillicoddy 
 
 Mrs. OS. {astonished). Mr. Pillicoddy ! 
 
 PiL. Yes, dove-like lass — yes. {suddenly mry drowsy — then violently 
 shaking himself) Yes — your Pillicoddy, So take me — all I have is 
 yours. My house, my shop, ray grounds, my flowers, my very cucum- 
 ber frames ! 
 
 Mrs OS. 0, sir, consider — if Anastasia only knew 
 
 PiL. I wish lier to know. I repeat, I wish — her — to [again very 
 
 drowsy ; rouses himself) Pardon me, sylph-like beauty — I've been in- 
 dulging in poppies ! Yes, the sooner Anastasia knows the better, for 
 I'm only following her example. She has recovered her Scuttle, and 
 she is happy in that Scuttle! In short, give her a cottage and her 
 Scuttle, a,nd I be)ieve she would be content, 
 
 Mks OS. Scuttle ] {anxiously) Surely not Captain O'Scuttle, just 
 returne;! from a long voyage 1 
 
 PiL. Yes, she loves the colossal mariner ! She told me so. They are 
 now together in that very room, (points to r.) 
 
 Mrs. OS. Can it be jjossible 1 Perfidious Anastasia! Now I can 
 understand her anxiety to get me out of tlie house. What's to be 
 done 1 Sir — sir — {going to Pillicoddy, who. daring Ids speech, has 
 gone fast asleep, and is standing swaying to and fro) I say, sir — 
 {shaking Pillicoddy, who falls on her shoulder. She icith difficulty 
 
POOE PILIilCODDY. 21 
 
 supports Mm. A scream is heard, and Capfatn O'Scuttle comes in 
 from R. D. 2 E., uith ^xnxii fainting in his arms.) 
 
 Mrs. OS. My husband! 
 
 Capt. My wife ! 
 
 Mrs. O'S. Let go that woman, sir! 
 
 Capt. Dro[) that man, madam ! 
 
 Sarah {recovering, looks up in CAPTAm's/ac^ — then, modestly). 0! 
 (Jiiding her face on the Capt-ain's shoulder again ) 
 
 Capt. Don't be absurd ! 
 
 Sarah {looking up again). I'm a foolish, timid young creature — but 
 really, when one hears one's self made such desperate love to — all of a 
 sudden, too — ! {trying to hide her face on his shoulder again — he 
 keeps her off.) 
 
 Mrs. O'S. {to Captain). There— you hear, sir ! 
 
 Capt. Pooh — it's no such thing, {starting up ) 
 
 Sarah. No such thing'? 0, you vile, double-faced fellow ! Didn't 
 you swear you loved me ? Yes ! Didn't you call me your wife 1 Yes ! 
 
 And do you think I'm going to throw a chance away 1 No, no 
 
 {making a rush at him with open arms.) 
 
 Capt. Be quiet — it's all a mistake. The room was so plaguy dark I 
 thought I was s[)eaking to 
 
 Mrs. O'S. To Anastasia, eh 1 
 
 Capt. Anastasia] Who's Anastasia 1 
 
 Ph.. {suddenly giving himself a violent shaking). Who's Anastasia 3 
 My Anastasia ! I can't give her up — I won't give her up ! {crosses to 
 Captain) Scuttle — my gentle Scuttle — my gallant Scuttle — don't take 
 her from me ! 
 
 Capt. Who the devil wants her 1 
 
 PiL. {crosses to c). Anastasia, he doesn't want you! Anastasia, the 
 great Scuttle doesn't want you ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. Pillicoddy, l. d. 1 e. 
 
 Mrs. p. No ; I suspect all that he requires is his own little runaway 
 wife. 
 
 Capt. That's true enough — so come here to me, my darling, {to Mrs. 
 O'Scuttle.) 
 
 Mrs. O'S. {holding letter up before his eyes). First, be good enougl), 
 Captain Fitzgerald O'Scuttle, to explain that "P. S." In its present 
 state that " P. S," reads anything but pleasantly, {crosses to c.) 
 
 Capt. Ha, ha, ha! I see— jealous of little Jenny ! 
 
 Mks. O'S. Yes, sir — and 1 insist upon knowing what that mysterious 
 female is. 
 
 Capt, Ha, ha, ha! Why, the mysterious female in question happens 
 to be the most elegant little Brazilian monkey you ever clapt eyes on. 
 
 Mrs. O'S. A monkey for me 1 0, my dear, dear husband ! {embraces 
 Mm) 
 
 Sarah {aside). The man's married ! If I had only known it at the 
 time, wouldn't I have spoilt his "figure-head." as he calls it , rather ! {see- 
 ing Pillicoddy, who is swaying to and fro, fast asleep) Lor', ma'au' — 
 whatevers the matter with master? Only look at him I He looks for 
 all the world like a goose a-going to roost. (Sarah and Mrs. Pilli- 
 coddy run to Pillicoddy.) 
 
 Mrs. p. Pillicoddy ! 
 
 Sarah. Master ! {they shake him 'violently ; Ms hat tumbles off and 
 a number of poppy heads fall o?<0 Poppies ! He's gone and poisoned 
 himself, {they all pull him and shake him, crying) " Rouse yourself." 
 
22 POOR PILLICODDY. 
 
 PiL. That's right. Rouse me — keep continually rousing me ! Anas- 
 tasia, it was all on your account— I thought he was going to tear you 
 from me ! 
 
 Mrs. p. He 1 Who 1 
 
 PiL. Who 7 Why — Sarah, rouse me ! (Sarah takes a pin out of lier 
 dress, and runs it into Pillicoddy's«?'w) Thank ye. {to Mrs. P.) Why, 
 your first — my predecessor — the once supposed to be lost, but lately 
 turned up Scuttle ! 
 
 Capt. If you mean Captain O'Scuttle, I am he — husband to this lady, 
 and second cousin to my second cousin, the late Captain Fitzpatrick 
 O'Scuttle. 
 
 PiL. Ah ! Then you're not Roinson Crusoe — you're not my friend 
 with the barnacles! Sarah, rouse me! {same play) Thank ye! I 
 thought you were Patzfitrick — I mean Fatzpitrick — Sarah, rouse me! 
 {same j)l<^y) Thank ye ! And now I have nothing to fear. (Mrs. Pillcod- 
 ■DY goes from l. to c, and points to audience) Well, what of thatl {to 
 Mrs. Pillicoddy) I repeat I've nothing to fear. It isn't the first time that 
 I've stood my trial here, and, therefore — Sarah, rouse me ! Thank ye ! 
 I say, I'm inclined to hope that the same indulgent jury, without ever 
 retiring from their boxes, will once more return a verdict of " Not Guil- 
 ty " — then no one will be more transported than " Poor Pillicoddy." 
 
 Disposition of the Characters. 
 
 Captain. Mrs. O'Scuttle. Pillicoddy. Mrs. P. Sarah. 
 
 B. L. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 J 
 
ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA. 
 
 " Let those laugh now who never laughed before, 
 And those who always laughed now laugh the more." 
 
 Nothing so thorough and complete in the way of Ethiopian and Comic Dramas 
 has ever been printed as those that appear in the following list. Not only arc the 
 plots excellent, the characters droll, the incidents funny, the language humorous, 
 but all the situations, by-play, positions, pantomimic business, scenery, and tricks 
 are so plainly set down and clearly explained, that the merest novice could put 
 any of them on the stage. Included in this catalogue are all the most laughable 
 and effective pieces of their class ever produced. 
 
 *** In ordering, please copy the figures at the commencement of each play, 
 which indicate the number of the piece in "De Witt's Ethiopian and Comic 
 Drama." - 
 
 IW Any of the following plays sent, postage free, on receipt of price— 
 15 Cents Each. Address, 
 
 CLINTON T. DE WITT, 
 
 JVb. 33 Rose Street, JVew York. 
 
 ^^ The figures in the columns indicate the number of characters— M, male, 
 ¥. female. 
 
 ■ > ♦ • 
 
 No. M. F. 
 
 73. African Box, burlesque, 2 scene 5 
 
 107. Africanus Bluebeard, musical 
 
 Ethiopian burlesque 6 2 
 
 43. Baby Elephant, sketch, 2 scene 7 1 
 79. Barney's Courtship, musical 
 
 interlude, 1 act 1 1 
 
 42. Bad Whiskey, sketch, 1 scene. 2 1 
 6. Black Chap from Whitechapel, 
 
 negro piece 4 
 
 10. Black Chemist, sketch, 1 scene 3 
 
 11. Black-ey'd William, sketch, 2 
 
 scenes 4 1 
 
 40, Big Mistake, sketch, 1 scene.. 4 
 78. Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 2 
 89. Bogus Talking Machines (The) 
 
 farce, 1 scene 4 
 
 24. Bruised and Cured, sketch, 1 
 
 scene 2 
 
 108. Charge of the Hash Brigade, 
 
 Irish musical sketch 2 2 
 
 35. Coal Heaver's Revenge, negro 
 
 sketch, 1 scene 6 
 
 41. Cremation, sketch, 2 scenes... 8 1 
 
 12. Daguerreotypes, sketch, 1 scene 3 
 53. Damon and Pythias, burlesqme, 
 
 2 scenes 5 1 
 
 63. Darkey's Stratagem, 1 act — 3 1 
 
 110. De Black Magician, Ethiopian 
 
 comicality, i scene 4 2 
 
 111. Deeds of Darkness, Ethiopian 
 
 extravaganza, 1 act 6 1 
 
 50. Draft (The), sketch, 1 act 6 
 
 64, Dutchman's Ghost, 1 scene... 4 1 ! 
 
 No. 
 95. 
 
 67. 
 4. 
 98. 
 52. 
 25. 
 
 106. 
 
 M. r. 
 Dutch Justice, sketch, 1 scene 11 
 Editor's Troubles, farce, 1 see. 6 
 
 Eh ? What is It ? sketch 4 
 
 Elopement (The), farce, 1 scene 4 
 Excise Trials, sketch, 1 scene. 10 
 Fellow that Looks Like Me, in- 
 
 terhule, 1 scene — 2 
 
 Fisherman's Luck, 1 scene 2 
 
 First Night (The), Dutch farce, 
 
 1 act 4 
 
 Gambrinus, King of Lager 
 
 Beer, Ethiopian burlesque, 2 
 
 scenes 8 
 
 German Emigrant (The),sketch 
 
 1 scene 2 
 
 Getting Square on the Call Boy, 
 
 sketch, 1 scene 3 
 
 Ghost (The), sketch, 1 act 2 
 
 Ghost in a Pawnshop, 1 scene. 4 
 
 Glycerine Oil, sketch 3 
 
 Going for the Cup, interlude.. 4 
 Good Night's Rest, 1 scene. .. 3 
 Gripsack, sketch, 1 scene..... . 3 
 
 Guide to the Stage, sketch 3 
 
 Happy Couple, 1 scene 2 
 
 Hard Times, extravaganza, 1 
 
 scene 5 
 
 Hemmed In, sketch 3 
 
 High Jack, the Heeler, 1, scene 6 
 
 Hippotheatron. sketch 9 
 
 In and Out, sketch, 1 scene... 2 
 
 Jealous Husband, sketch 2 
 
 Julius, the Snoozer, 3 scenes . " 
 
DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA (Continued). 
 
 No. M. p. 
 
 103. Katrina's Little Game, Diitcli 
 
 act, 1 scene 1 2 
 
 1. Last of the Mohicans, sketch.. 3 1 
 36. Laughing Gas, sketch, 1 scene. 6 1 
 
 18. Live Injun, sketch, 4 scenes... 4 1 
 
 60. Lost Will, sketch 4 
 
 87. Lucky Job, farce, 2 scenes.... 3 2 
 
 00. Lunatic (The), farce, 1 scene., 3 
 
 100. Making a Hit, farce, 2 scenes.. 4 
 
 19. Malicious Trespass, 1 scene.... 3 
 96. Midnight Intruder (The), farce, 
 
 1 scene 6 1 
 
 101. Mollie Moriarty, Irish music- 
 al sketch, 1 scene 1 1 
 
 8. Mutton Trial, sketch, 2 scenes 4 
 
 44. Musical Servant, sketch, 1 see. 3 
 49. Night in a Strange Hotel, 
 
 sketch, 1 scene 2 
 
 22. Obeying Orders, sketch 1 scene 2 1 
 
 27. One Hundredth Night of Ham- 
 
 let, sketch 7 1 
 
 30. One Night in a Barroom, 
 
 sketch 7 
 
 76. One, Two, Three, 1 scene 7 
 
 87. Pete and the Peddler, Negro 
 
 and Irish sketch, 1 scene 2 1 
 
 9. Policy Players, sketch, 1 scene 7 
 57. Pompey's Patients, interlude, 
 
 2 scenes 6 
 
 65. Porter's Troubles, 1 scene 6 1 
 
 66. Port Wine vs. Jealousy, sketch 2 1 
 
 91. Painter's Apprentice (The), 
 
 farce, 1 scene 5 
 
 92. Polar Bear (The), 1 scene 4 1 
 
 14. Eecruiting Office, sketch, 1 act. 5 
 
 45. Remittance from Home, 
 
 sketch, 1 scene 6 
 
 105. Rehearsal (The), Irish farce, 2 
 
 scenes 4 2 
 
 55. Kigging a Purchase, sketch, 1 
 
 scene 3 
 
 81. Rival Artists, sketch, 1 scene. 3 
 
 26. Rival Tenants, sketch 4 
 
 I 15. Sam's Courtship, farce, 1 act.. 2 1 
 
 59. Sausage Makers, 2 scenes 5 1 
 
 80., Scenes on the Mississippi, 
 
 2 scenes 6 
 
 21. Scampini, pantomime, 2 scenes 6 3 
 
 &4. Serenade(The), sketch,2 scenes 7 
 
 38. Siamese Twins, 2 scenes 5 
 
 74. Sleep Walker, sketch, 2 scenes 3 
 
 46. Slippery Day, sketch, 1 scene. 6 1 
 69. Squire for a Day, sketch 5 1 
 
 56. Stage-struck Couple, 1 scene.. 2 1 
 72. Stranger, burlesque, 1 scene... 1 2 
 
 and 2 children. 
 
 7. Stupid Servant, sketch, 1 scene 2 
 
 13. Streets of New York, 1 scene . 6 
 
 16. Storming the Fort, 1 scene 5 
 
 47. Take it. Don't Take It, 1 scene 2 
 54. Them Papers, sketch, 1 scene. 3 
 
 100. Three Chiefs (The), 2 scenes ..60 
 
 102. Three A. M., 6ketch,.2 scenes. 3 1 
 34. Three Strings to One Bow, 
 
 sketch, 1 scene 4 1 
 
 2. Tricks, sketch 5 2 
 
 104. TwoAwfuls (The), 1 scene.... 5 
 5. Two Black Roses, sketch 4 1 
 
 28. Uncle Ei)h's Dream, 2 scenes.. 3 1 
 62. Vinegar Bitter.s. sketch, 1 scene 6 1 
 32. Wake Up, William Henry.... 3 
 
 No. M. p. 
 
 39. Wanted, a Nurse, 1 scene 4 
 
 75. Weston the Walkist, Dutch 
 
 sketch, 1 scene 7 1 
 
 93. What Shall I Take ? farce, 1 act 8 1 
 
 29. Who Died First ? 1 scene 3 1 
 
 97. Who's the Actor? farce, 1 
 
 scene 4 
 
 99. Wrong Woman iu the Right 
 
 Place, sketch, 2 scenes 2 2 
 
 85. Young Scamp, sketch, 1 scene. 3 
 
 1931 
 
DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS (Continued). 
 
 No. 
 144. 
 
 34. 
 137. 
 111. 
 119. 
 1(35. 
 
 48. 
 
 32. 
 164. 
 109. 
 
 85. 
 
 87. 
 143. 
 189. 
 163. 
 154. 
 
 G3. 
 
 15. 
 
 "0. 
 
 51. 
 184. 
 108. 
 188. 
 169. 
 130. 
 
 92, 
 193. 
 
 140. 
 
 115. 
 2. 
 
 57. 
 104. 
 112. 
 185. 
 
 84. 
 117. 
 
 171. 
 14. 
 
 173. 
 176. 
 
 90. 
 170. 
 
 33. 
 3. 
 
 97. 
 
 66. 
 
 172. 
 
 94. 
 
 45. 
 155. 
 
 178. 
 
 147. 
 156. 
 
 82. 
 
 I2r. 
 
 23. 
 
 Lancashire Lass, melodrama, 5 acts. 12 
 A^iirkins' Love Letters, faroe, 1 act.. 3 
 
 L' Article 47, drama, 3 acts 11 
 
 Liar (The), comedy, 2 acts 7 
 
 Life Chase drama, 5 acts 14 
 
 Living Statue (The), farce, 1 act,... 3 
 Little Annie's Birthday, farce, 1 act. 2 
 
 Little Rebel, farce, 1 act 4 
 
 Little llaby, drama, 3 acts 6 
 
 Locked In, comedietta, I act 2 
 
 Locked In with a La ly, sketch, 1 act. 1 
 
 Locked Out, comic scene 1 
 
 Lodgers an l Dodgers, farce, 1 act.. 4 
 Leap Year, musical duality, 1 act.. . 1 
 
 Marcorelti, drama, 3 acts 10 
 
 Maria and Magda'ena, ilay, 4 acts . 8 6 
 Marriage at Any Trice, farce, 1 act. 5 3 
 Master Jones' Birthday, farce, 1 act. 4 2 
 
 Maud's Peril, drama, 4 acts 5 3 
 
 Midnight Watch, drama, 1 act 8 2 
 
 Milky White, drama, 2 acts 4 2 
 
 Miriam's Crime, drama, 3 acts 5 2 
 
 Model of a Wife, farce, 1 act 3 2 
 
 Money, comedy, 5 acts 17 3 
 
 Mr. Scroggins, farce, 1 act 3 3 
 
 Mr. X., farce, 1 act 3 3 
 
 My Uncle's Suit, farce, 1 act 4 1 
 
 My Wife's Diar., farce, 1 act 3 1 
 
 My Wife's Out, farce, 1 act 2 2 
 
 My Walking Phuto<^raph, musical 
 
 duality, 1 act 1 
 
 Never Keckon Your Ch.ckens, etc., 
 
 farce, 1 act 3 
 
 New Men and Old Acres, comedy, 3 8 
 
 Mobody's « hild, drama, 3 acts 8 
 
 Noemie, drama, 2 acts 4 
 
 No Name, drama, 5 acts 7 
 
 Not a Bit Jealous, farce, 1 act 3 
 
 Not So Bad as We Seem. pla3% 5 acts. 14 
 
 Not Guilty, drama, 4 acts 10 
 
 Not Sucli a Fool as He Looks, drama, 
 
 3 acts 5 
 
 No hing Like Paste, farce, 1 act 3 
 
 No Thoroughfare, drama, 5 acts and 
 
 prologue 13 
 
 62. 
 
 Otf the Stage, comedietta, 1 act 3 
 
 On Bread and Water, farce, 1 act... 1 
 
 Only a halfpenny, farce, 1 act 2 
 
 Only Somebody, farce, 1 act 4 
 
 One too Many for Him, farce, 1 act. 2 
 
 £ 100,000, comedy, 3 acts 8 
 
 Oratige Bio soms, comedietta, 1 act. 3 
 Orange Girl, drama, in prologue 
 
 aud 3 acts 18 
 
 Our-;, comedy, 3 acts 6 
 
 Our ( lerks, farce, 1 act 7 
 
 Our Domestics, comedy farce, 2 acts 6 
 Our Heroes, military play. 5 acts. . .24 
 Out at Sea, drama in prologue and 
 
 4acts 16 5 
 
 Overland Route, comedy, 3 acts 11 5 
 
 Peace at Any Price, farce, 1 act 1 1 
 
 Peep o' Day, drama, 4 acts 12 4 
 
 Peggy Green, far e, 1 act 3 10 
 
 Petticoat Parliament, extravaganza, 
 
 in one act 15 24 
 
 Photographic Fix, farce, 1 act 3 2 
 
 A COMPLETE 
 
 No. M. F. 
 
 61. Plot and Passion, drama. 3 acts 7 S 
 
 138. Poll aud Partner Joe, burlesque, 1 
 
 act 10 3 
 
 110. Poppleton's Predicaments, farce, 13 6 
 
 50. Porter's Knot, drama, 2 acts 8 2 
 
 59. Po.xt Boy, drama, 2 acts 5 3 
 
 95. Pretty Horse-breaker, farce, 1 act.. 3 10 
 
 181 and 182. Queen Mary, dram t, 4 acts.38 8 
 
 157. Quite at Home, comedietta, 1 act. .. 5 2 
 196. Queerest Courtship (The), comic op- 
 eretta, 1 act 1 1 
 
 132. Race for a Dinner, farce, 1 act 10 
 
 183. Richelieu, i)lay. 5 acts 16 2 
 
 38. Rightfu: Heir, drama, 5 acts 10 2 
 
 77. Roll of the Drum, tlrama, 3 acts 8 
 
 13. Ruy Bias, drama. 4 acts 12 
 
 194. Rum, drama. 3 acts 7 
 
 195. Rosemi Shell, travesty, 1 act, 4 
 
 scenes 6 
 
 158. School, comedy, 4 acts 6 
 
 79. Sheep in Wolf's Clothing, drama. 1 7 
 
 37. Silent J'rotector, farce, 1 act 3 2 
 
 35. Silent Woman, farce, 1 act 2 1 
 
 43. Sisterly Service, comedietta, 1 act.. 7 2 
 
 6 Six Months Ago, comedietta, 1 act. 2 1 
 
 10. Snapping Turtles, duologue, 1 act.. 1 1 
 
 26. Society, comedy, 3 act^ 16 5 
 
 78. Special Performances, farce, 1 act.. 7 3 
 3 1 . Taming a Tiger, farce. 1 act 3 
 
 150. Tell-Tale He at, comedietta, 1 act 12 
 120. Tempest in a Teapot, comedy, 1 act. 2 1 
 146. There's no Smoke Without P'ire, 
 
 comedietta, 1 act 1 2 
 
 83. Thrice Married, personation piece, 
 
 lact 6 
 
 42. Time and the Hour, drama, 3 acts. . 7 
 
 27. Time and Tide, drama, 3 acts and 
 prologue 7 
 
 Timothy to the Rescue, farce, 1 act. 4 
 'Tis Better to Live than to Die, 
 
 farce, 1 act 2 
 
 134. Tompkins the Troubadour, farce, 1 3 
 
 2.). Turning the Tables, farce, 1 act 5 
 
 108. Tweedie's Rights, comedy, 2 acts.. 4 
 
 126. Twice Killed, farce, 1 act 6 
 
 56. Two Gay Deceivers, farce, 1 act 3 
 
 Two Polts, f£..ce, 1 act 4 
 
 Twin Sisters (The), comic operetta, 
 
 lact 3 
 
 162. Uncle's Will, comedietta. 1 act 
 
 133. 
 153. 
 
 123. 
 
 106. Up for the Cattle Show, farce, 1 act. 6 2 
 
 81. Vandyke Brown, farce, 1 act 3 3 
 
 124. Volunteer Keview, farce, lact 6 6 
 
 91. Walpule, comedy, 3 acts 7 2 
 
 118. Wanted, a Young Lady, farce, 1 act. 3 
 
 41. War to the Knife, comedy, 3 acts. . . 5 4 
 
 105. Which of the Two? comed etta, lact 2 10 
 
 98. Who is Who? farce, 1 act 3 2 
 
 12. Widow Hunt, comedy, 3 acts 4 4 
 
 5. W'illiani Tell with a Vengeance, 
 
 burlesque 8 2 
 
 136. Woman in Red, drama, 3 acts and 
 
 prologue 6 
 
 161. Woman's \'ows and Mason's Oaths, 
 
 4 acts 10 4 
 
 11. Woodcock's Little Game, farce, 2 4 4 
 
 54. Young Collegian (Cantab.), farce, 1 3 3 
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