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HANEY'S USEFUL HANDBOOKS. 
 
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 munOi 
 
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i iMlji'jte":! 
 
Ilk^t> C L 
 
 THE 
 
 IMPROMPTU SPEAKER; 
 
 OB, 
 
 WHAT TO SAY WHEN CALLED ON. 
 
 A GUIDE TO 
 
 EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKING OF ALL KINDS AND 
 
 ON ALL OCCASIONS, HINTS ON ETIQUETTE, 
 
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 BY THE AUTHOR OP THE GUIDE TO AUTHORSHIP. 
 
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 NEW YORK: 
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 GOOD BOOKS FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT. 
 
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 GUIDE TO AUTHORSHIP. 
 
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 will be found useful to pupils in all literary undertakings, and a great 
 aid to teachers in criticizing and correcting. Clergymen and speakers 
 will find some things of interest. 50 cents. 
 
 IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 A guide to the proper remarks to make on all ordinary occasions and 
 the etiquette of such occasions. It not only gives forms of speeches for 
 those who prefer to adopt them, but teaches the reader how to be pre- 
 pared when called on suddenly, that he may acquit himself creditably 
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 A Handbook of Oil Painting, designed for artists and amateurs. It is 
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 students and others. 50 cents. In press. 
 
PUBLISHERS' PREFACE. 
 
 While there are several works on the principles of 
 oratory, and collections of speeches innumerable, it is be- 
 lieved that the specialty selected as the subject of the pre- 
 sent work has been but barely, if at all, touched upon else- 
 where. There are few of us who are not at some time 
 -called on to say a few words in public ; these demands may 
 come when least expected. To be unable to say anything 
 under such circumstances is not only humiliating to the in- 
 dividual himself, but may seem discourteous to those who 
 have honored him by the call. 
 
 There are many having all natural qualifications demand, 
 ed, who fail for the want of a few hints and helps. The 
 difficulties experienced are often of an imaginary character, 
 or of such trifling nature that an experienced speaker 
 would have little comprehension of their crushing effect 
 upon the novice. To point out the requirements of ail 
 ordinary occasions of impromptu speech-making, and to 
 afford such aid as may be useful, are the aims of this little 
 treatise. While avoiding formal rules and elaborate dis- 
 quisitions, care will be taken to show clearly the things to 
 avoid as well as the things to strive for, in both the matter 
 and the manner of the speech, and the particular points of 
 etiquette to be observed. 
 
 Occasionally persons of excessive diffidence, however 
 fully they may know the requirements of the occasion or 
 thoroughly prepared themselves for their discharge, fail for 
 no other reafton than this timidity. Such individuals will 
 probably be glad to know that a most sensible chapter on 
 u Gaining- Confidence," giving much interesting and useful 
 information as to the causes and most effective means of 
 overcoming this distressing weakness, may be found in a 
 little pamphlet entitled u Self-Cure of Stammering," which 
 can be had of any bookseller at an outlay of twenty-five 
 cents. 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER, 
 
 PART I.— INTRODUCTION. 
 
 ON very great public occasions, none save a, very prac- 
 ticed speaker is apt to be called upon to address 
 others j and a practiced speaker either needs no instruction 
 or from a confidence in his own powers is apt to spurn it. 
 But an ordinary man finds many periods of his life when he 
 is suddenly required to face an audience, and where he is 
 expected by those around him to say something. On such 
 occasions we have witnessed a vast deal of embarrassment. 
 Men who could talk well enough on ordinary matters, and 
 Who were fluent of speech among their fellows, found them- 
 selves tongue-tied, or fearfully hesitant, when expected to 
 stand on their legs, and talk to an audience of a dozen, 
 none of whpm they regarded as their superiors. It often 
 occurred to me that an essay upon extemporaneous 
 speakers, giving hints to those same bashful fellows how 
 to speak and act when necessity calls for speech and 
 action, might save a deal of trouble and annoyance to all 
 parties. The publishers of this little manual, having the 
 same notion, applied to me to prepare them a short practi- 
 cal work on the subject, rand this chiming with my own 
 views, I set about the task. This much to show why this 
 little book has been prepared and published. 
 
 It is not merely my purpose to give models of speeches 
 which may serve for imitation and guidance, or with modifi- 
 cations, might even be cribbed on many occasions, but 
 rather instead of teaching my readers how to use other 
 people's brains, to show them how they may cultivate thetr 
 own. I wish to show them, whether the quick-witted or 
 dull, the principles that lie at the bottom of all manner of 
 speech making, and to teach, not only the kind of language to 
 
8 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 be used, but the mode and manner of using it ; the most 
 ordinary man, though he may not become a great orator 
 without close study and natural qualifications, may never- 
 theless learn to acquit himself creditably when occasion 
 calls for the utterance of a few well chosen words. 
 
 I am aware there is too much speech-making among us. 
 The tendency of the age is to gab. Vanity prompts men 
 to talk, and love of amusement, or a pernicious custom, 
 impels others to demand talk. But since it is a tendency 
 of our people, neither censure nor ridicule will break it 
 down. The only thing left is to render it as little offensive 
 as possible. Let us try to make those who will talk, even 
 in articulo mortis, talk sense, or that agreeable nonsense 
 which sometimes is its proper substitute. On most festive 
 occasions, the audience is a friendly one. They wish the 
 speaker to succeed. His failure is not even a satisfaction 
 to his enemies, if such should happen to be among the 
 guests, for it would mar the pleasure of the occasion so 
 much that the gratification of personal spite would not pay 
 for it. On all such occasions the party must endeavor 
 to remember that he is in his own house, in many respects, 
 and that he is really not making a speech at all/ 
 
 In that fact lies, however, the genuine causs of all em- 
 barrassment inexperienced and unreflecting people suppose, 
 when they are called on to say anything, that they must 
 deliver themselves of something witty or profound or ele- 
 gant. Wit, if it be real is always acceptable, but, unless 
 in a practiced hand, is a dangerous edged tool to handle. 
 Profundity and studied elegance are out of place at an 
 ordinary social gathering. A man who has to present 
 something to his friend, in the presence of common friends, 
 detracts from the value of the gift, if he bore the recipient 
 and the rest with a set oration. Neither the subject nor 
 the time justifies it. A studied piece of declamation ending 
 by the gift of a walking stick, or a silver mug is like the 
 cry of the street vender in Constantinople : " In the name 
 of Allah and the Prophet — figs ! " The rule on this, as on 
 every other occasion, is to rise to the subject, and not above 
 it, and when you have done, to stop. The last is a rule 
 which some speakers think they should honor more by the 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 9 
 
 breach than the observance, and this false notion of theirs 
 is what makes the proceedings in town meetings, and the 
 debates in legislative bodies so dreary and tedious to the 
 listeners. 
 
 Inseparable from the mode of making small speeches is 
 the etiquette of such occasions. One half of the effect is 
 due to decorum. The speaker has to consider where he 
 is, and who is around him. He has to study ease of manner 
 and this is best studied by not thinking of it at all. 
 
 In rising to speak get up naturally and stand as you 
 always do, without any endeavor to strike a picturesque 
 attitude. Make no attempt to look solemn, or you will be 
 apt to look silly. Avoid gesture, which is only graceful 
 and effective when it springs from the excitement of the 
 moment in a long and animated discourse. Speak in your 
 natural tone of voice, neither too low or too high — lower at 
 first, and increasing your tone gradually as -you go on. 
 Fix your eye on the farthest man, and speak so that he can 
 hear you easily, and then all the rest will. 
 
 Above all rememiipr that on minor occasions you rise to 
 talk, and not to declaim ; and the nearer you approach to 
 the colloquial in what you say, the more you will please 
 your friends, and satisfy yourself. 
 
 PAST II.-OF TABLE SPEAKING. 
 
 THE American people, like their English, Irish and Scotch 
 progenitors — to say nothing of the German element 
 —belong to an eating race j and no gathering seems com- 
 plete to them without an unlimited amount of food and 
 drink be furnished. The phrase, il dinner-speech,' 7 is 
 genuine, and may be made to include talking at a variety of 
 places, from a wedding-breakfast to a clam-bake. But the 
 dinner-speech proper is of a more formal nature than others 
 of the genus, and sometimes involves a little premedita- 
 tion. 
 
 The etiquette of a dinner in public differs very little from 
 
10 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 that of a dinner given by gentlemen of elegant habits and 
 sufficient means to a select party of friends. But in the 
 latter case the guests are usually those who are accustomed 
 to dining out, and acquainted with its observances ; at a 
 public dinner-table, the guests are mixed. I do not speak 
 of bores, who are noisy, call loudly to the waiters, and 
 otherwise make asses of themselves ; nor of people who 
 insist upon eating peas with their knife, or suck up their 
 soup with the noise of pigs jeatiug from a trough. There 
 are very worthy and estimable people who are guilty of 
 none of these acts of table ruffianism, who conduct them- 
 selves quietly and decorously, and yet who are not well 
 acquainted with the etiquette of the public dinner. They 
 do not know when to rise, or when to sit down again ; when 
 to applaud or when to refrain from applauding, and fre- 
 quently mar the pleasure of the occasion from the best in- 
 tention in the world. They can be as easily taught in one 
 lesson as in twenty. 
 
 Apropos to that, let me give a pleasant bit of experience 
 of my own. 
 
 Some years since I was called on to preside over a dinner 
 given upon a birth-day anniversary. The dinner was 
 political, and the diners were mostly very honest, but not 
 altogether polished working-men. Among the invited guests 
 were the vice-president elect of the United States, after- 
 ward envoy to England, a gentleman distinguished for his 
 elegant manners ; several officers of the navy and army, a 
 judge or two, and the recorder of a neighboring city. 
 When I sent out the committee to conduct the guests to 
 the room, I said a few words to those already at the table. 
 I told them that one or two of them might not be well 
 acquainted with certain forms, and in order that we might 
 preserve proper decorum they were to rise when I raised 
 my hand gently, sit when I depressed it, and watch my 
 signal for applause. The next minute the committee 
 announced at the door — " The vice-president elect of the 
 United States, and suite.' 7 I rose, and every man at table 
 rose at the same instant, and remained standing until the 
 guests were seated. Then as I sunk into my seat the 
 whole body of diners sank into theirs with the uniformity 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 11 
 
 of a corp of soldiers. And so throughout. The most 
 amusing thing to me was the precision of drinking the 
 toasts. Every glass was raised to the mouth simultaneously 
 with mine, and as I was at the head of the table, the effect 
 of a long double row of glasses with the bottoms facing 
 each other, was slightly ludicrous. But everything went 
 off admirably, for every one looked to the chairman as 
 bugleman. When the time came for our guests to leave, 
 every man rose with me to his feet, all facing the line down 
 which the guests passed* Afterward the vice-president 
 said to me : " Your members must have been at a great- 
 many suppers in their time. I have witnessed a good many 
 things of the kind, but I never saw one where the decorum 
 was so perfect, and where everything went off so smoothly 
 and naturally. I bowed, and kept my own counsel. It is 
 twenty-seven years since then, but I have only to shut my 
 eyes, and I can see as plainly as I did then, two rows of 
 men, standing with only a table between them, and each 
 apparently taking aim at the man opposite through the 
 bottom of a wine-glass. 
 
 At all these public dinners, whether of a society, or for 
 political purposes, set speakers of some note are provided, 
 who respond to the most important toasts of the day, and 
 it is only when these have concluded, and the wine has 
 made a good many circuits around the table, that the guests 
 clamor for talk from less conspicuous personages, and in- 
 sist on every one who is of any prominence, or even has 
 the reputation of being " a good fellow," adding his mite to 
 the treasury of table eloquence. Men at this state of 
 affairs are not apt to be critical ; but they will not submit 
 to long speeches. A response to a call, whether in the 
 .shape of a personal toast, or from being named generally, 
 should be prompt, short and to the point. 
 
 Though you be called out by a personal toast, do not 
 talk about yourself, or drag your business before the com- 
 pany, as many do. We were present once at the dinner of 
 a horticultural society, where, for some reason, or through 
 want of reason, an undertaker and sexton was called on to 
 speak j we remember what he said, almost word for word, 
 and it was as follows : 
 
12 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 " I don't know why, Mr. President, I am called on to talk. I am 
 an undertaker, but I never undertook to make a speech, unless I was 
 overtaken by liquor, and I assure you I am quite sober. On such an 
 occasion all the talking ought to be lively, and from lively people. I 
 am not lively, and never have a lively time of it, except when other 
 people go out. I never go out, except professionally. I take no 
 pleasure, though as I had a negro funeral last week, I may say that I 
 went a black burying for half a day. I can not make a speech as you 
 see, but I am much obliged to you for drinking my health — (please don't 
 drink the good health of too many people or you might ruin me) — and 
 I will be happy to serve any of you in the way of my profession — 
 (Cries of "Oh! no!" "Not for me; thank you!" etc.) I don't 
 mean in any way but to give you pleasure— say for instance, if any one 
 of you has the great misfortune to lose his mother-in-law." 
 
 Now this was all funny in its" way, but it was in very 
 bad taste. A short speech at the same dinner — made in 
 despair by a very bashful fellow, was accidentally better. 
 He rose, and after a little hesitancy said: 
 
 " I am very much obliged to you, gentlemen, for drinking my good 
 health ; but 1 neither intend to return the compliment in kind, for in 
 drinking the health of every man here, I should lose my own ; nor to try 
 to make a speech, for in that case, I should lose my reputation as a man 
 of judgment." 
 
 Down he sat, and that was the end of it. He said noth- 
 ing very brilliant, but he at least did no discredit to him- 
 self. 
 
 There are those who have a great aptitude for saying 
 either humorous or brilliant things in an easy, natural and 
 off-hand way, and in consequence are much sought after 
 for public dinners. A word here in the ear of the reader, 
 in strict confidence — most of the apropos affairs, especially 
 the happy extemporaneous hits, have been carefully studied 
 before hand. No matter for that, so they are dexterously 
 fitted to the place and to the occasion. But if a man 
 cultivate an easy and natural way of talking — if' he practice 
 saying things without attempt to astonish or impress, he 
 will be apt in the end to astonish himself and impress an 
 audience. The good company, the genial feeling, and the 
 flow of spirits of all around him — to say nothing of the flow 
 of wine — will bring out all the dormant powers. The first 
 effort is to forget that he is making a speech at all. We 
 insist on this, "at the risk of offending by repetition, since it 
 is the key to good speaking on any occasion 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 13 
 
 The breakfast speech, little known on this side of the 
 Atlantic, differs essentially from the dinner and supper 
 speech. It is a cold-blooded affair. The dinner speech 
 springs from the companionship, the wine and the geniality 
 of the occasion — the breakfast speech comes from the oc- 
 casion itself. The dinner speech may arise unexpectedly j 
 the breakfast speech is made with malice aforethought. 
 Breakfasts at which there are a number of guests outside 
 of the family are mostly given in this country on the occa- 
 sion of weddings. A merry couple having been properly 
 tied together, and legally authorized to pull different ways 
 in harness for the rest of their joint lives, prepare to travel 
 away for a time, in order to let everybody in the rail-way 
 cars, and at strange hotels, know that they are bride and 
 groom. Before they go they feed generally in company 
 with their friends — that is, the bridegroom feeds, it being 
 strict etiquette for the bride to take only the rations of a 
 hen-sparrow. She may pick a grain of rice, like Amina, 
 or even eat a pea, like Beau Brummel, but no more, since 
 her modesty and blushes are supposed to stand instead of 
 beefsteaks and potatoes. Speeches arc in order, of course. 
 Every one feels the whole affair is silly, and that he cuts a 
 ridiculous figure. Hence he finds refuge from his own 
 annoyance in gabbling himself, or causing others to gabble. 
 The bridegroom is toasted, and he replies — generally with 
 something about "the happiest day of my life" — " unequal 
 to the occasion" — " thanks not to be expressed" — and so 
 on. The bride is toasted, and somebody else replies for 
 her — generally, the groomsman, or "best man" — as they 
 call him of late. The father of the bride is toasted, the 
 mother is toasted — everybody is toasted in turn ; and all 
 these people by themselves or deputy reply. As there is 
 little to talk about there is generally little said, though 
 they usually employ a good many words to say it in. 
 
 Any one is liable to be called out on such occasions, and 
 everybody usually is. As the breakfast is given just before 
 departure, and the railway train stops to wait for no one, 
 but vigorously sets off according to the time-table j as the 
 trunk, basket, little box, big box, band- box and bundle 
 have been already checked by one of the groomsman ; there 
 
14 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 is none too much time for the speeches. The breakfast 
 eloquence has to be fired off like the rifles of sharpshooters, 
 rapidly and effectively ; but the bore of the orational rifle 
 should be as little as possible. 
 
 Supper-speeches are another variation of table talk ; but 
 these and dinner-speeches are essentially the same. There 
 are exceptions, however, the two most notable of which are 
 the ball-supper speech, and that made to the proprietor of 
 the house at a surprise party. The speech at a ball-supper 
 should be particularly light, frothy and lively, or not at 
 all. People go to a ball, or a party, to enjoy themselves, 
 and not to air their learning, their profundity, or their elo- 
 quence. A supper-speech there, as elsewhere, should have 
 a point, like an epigram, should be brief, like an epigram, 
 and when its point is made, it should stop, like an epi- 
 gram. I just now remember of a speech of the kind. A 
 few years since Julius Schuberth, the well-known music 
 publisher, gave an invitation supper and musical party on 
 the occasion of the house of which he was head and founder 
 having reached its fiftieth anniversary. It was a very 
 pleasant evening — several quite eminent artists rendered 
 some music charmingly, and the old man himself gave one 
 of his own compositions with spirit and taste. The colla- 
 tion was excellent too, and evidently every one present was 
 pleased. As the wine began to flow, some speeches were 
 made in German and English, complimenting the host of 
 the evening, and he was called on for a response. Now the 
 old gentleman could render his feelings very well in a 
 rhythmical way, but was not* equal to the task through 
 plain prose ; and he requested, through a common friend, 
 that a well known literary gentleman then present, and who 
 had taken no apparent interest in the proceedings should 
 reply for him. The gentleman, to whom the summons was 
 unexpected — he had never seen Schuberth before, though 
 he knew his history, rose, and said, as nearly as we recol- 
 lect : 
 
 " Mr. Schuberth. distrusts his own power of expression, or possibly 
 feels that his emotions will not allow him to use language fitting the 
 occasion ; and he has asked me to return thanks for all the kind words 
 used in his honor, and for the kind feeling which shows as much even 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKEIi. 15 
 
 in your manner as the words. I shall not attempt to do it. There is 
 an eloquence in his eyes that needs no words to interpret it. Besides 
 why should you be thanked for what you cannot help ? You are most 
 of you either musicians or lovers of music. In honoring one who has 
 during his long connection with the, trade done so much to elevate the 
 standard of taste, and to reconcile purism with progress, you honor 
 the art you love, and so honor yourselves. Mr. Schuberth for hall' a 
 century has been at the head of a house, which has given the public 
 the best productions of the best masters, and has never through a love 
 of gain lent its imprint to what was false to taste or impure in morals. 
 Your presence to-night it would have been impossible to refuse. The 
 date is an epoch. The occasion is a festivity. It is more. You are 
 not here to flatter the successful publisher, or to pay a tribute to the 
 man who has possibly amassed a competence. Fifty years since Papa 
 Schuberth was married to art, and you are here to celebrate his golden 
 wedding." 
 
 The other exceptional table-speech is that of the sur- 
 prise party. When you have impertinently taken posses- 
 sion of a man's house for the purpose of a frolic, you have 
 to temper your act of social ruffianism by a faint effort to 
 practice some of the amenities of life. You must at least 
 say something to tickle the vanity of the man you have 
 injured. Always presuming that your host is a. fool, and, 
 being a fool, does not set his dog on to bite you, or does not 
 have yourself and your confederates removed by the police, 
 it becomes your duty to utter a few pleasant sayings. 
 There are some people who, after they have got up a sur- 
 prise party, and have turned a man's house upside down, 
 have the temerity and bad taste to clap him on the 
 back with the brutal exclamation — " High old time, Jonesy, 
 my boy ! " or the impertinent inquiry — "How are you 
 enjoying yourself, old fellow *?" The artistic and aesthetic 
 surprise-party brigand acts bettor. He waits until the 
 party is half drunk, and the mortification and impotent rage 
 of the master of the house has somewhat deadened, and 
 then he calls for attention, and enters, for the benefit of the 
 few* who will listen, into a panegyric upon the unwilling 
 host. And if he do this with dexterity, if he lay on the 
 flattery thickly, and deliver his remarks with unction, and 
 a •' bless you, mi-dear-boy ! " air, the victim in spite of his 
 better judgment will begin to believe that his visitors loved 
 him so well they could not stay away, instead of recogniz- 
 ing the fact that they had merely taken his premises instead 
 
16 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 of a public hall because they could be had without payment. 
 
 The birth-day speech is generally a stereotyped affair, in 
 which there can be little varity. By this we mean the 
 speech to the person whose birth-day is to be celebrated, 
 or his reply. The other speeches fall under the general 
 rule of table talk. 
 
 We have said that it is in bad taste in general to allude, 
 in dinner-speeches to the business, the profession or the 
 peculiarities of those around you. It is also in bad taste, 
 and frequently offensive, to play upon the names of parties, 
 These rules have, however, their exceptions. Where those 
 present are nearly all of one business, allusions if pleasantly 
 made are proper enough, and may add much to the satis- 
 faction of the guests ; and where all are intimate a gay 
 pun on the name of some one present may be pardonable. 
 Still such things require caution. We remember a very 
 pleasant evening once, where the speeches were generally 
 of this exceptional kind. It was an occasion of a farewell 
 supper given to the senior member of a firm of leather- 
 dealers, previous to his departure for a year's visit to 
 Europe, and nearly all present were either in the hide and 
 leather trade, or connected therewith in some way. 
 
 The gentleman who on this occasion proposed the com- 
 plimentary toast to the host of the evening, after the usual 
 compliments and good wishes, wound up by saying : 
 
 " And we have no doubt that our good friend, as he passes through 
 the old cities of the world, rubbing here against a noble, and jostling 
 ther^e against a peasant, will so conduct himself after his usual well-bred 
 and quiet; fashion, that all ranks and classes will admit, that, for the 
 purpose of making a really estimable man, there is nothing like leather. 
 In fact, leather is a type of your perfect man It is smooth, but not 
 too oily ; it is pliable, but does not give way ; it bends when needed, 
 but does not crack — it w T ears well — it is in fact, an educated skin, 
 altogether different from the original stiff and unpleasant hide." 
 
 In replying the traveler-to-be said: 
 
 " If I deserved one half of the pleasant things said on this occasion, 
 I should think more of myself than I do ; and I do think more of my- 
 self than I did when I first sat down to supper, because I know my 
 friends are sincere in what they say, and I. must be a pretty good sort 
 of fellow, or they never would let their partiality get the better of 
 their judgment as they have to-night. If I don't thank them and you 
 for tb'a friendship and kindly sympathy you show, it is because I have 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. \1 
 
 no words to do it so well as it deserves to be done ; because no words 
 can express my feelings, My hope is that when I get back that I will 
 meet you each and all, and find the friendship which binds us to-night, 
 and has bound us for years, made stronger and warmer by the absence. 
 I ought to stop just here! and, so far as I am concerned/ 1 do; but 
 the gentleman who has just spoken has made a remark that might be 
 almost thought a personal allusion to one of my partners in business — 
 a gentleman who though he is the Co. in the firm, and was christened 
 Jeremiah, no one wishes at Jericho. He is a little rough at times, but 
 not stiff; and if he will only get on his feet and say something, will 
 show you that he is by no means an unpleasant Hyde." 
 
 There was a general shout for Hyde, and that gentleman 
 rose with great deliberation. « 
 
 " Gentlemen, 7 ' he said, " my partner, before he goes off on his year's 
 holiday, is disposed to balance our books, and credits me with a little 
 too much. I admit my stiffness, rather than my roughness. The fact 
 is I am not so oily as either of these gentlemen. I am a Hyde that has 
 never been tanned and curried As to there being nothing like leather, 
 there would be nothing of leather, if you didn't have a Hyde to begin 
 with." 
 
 There was a deal more said by various parties, but these 
 quotations are enough to show that speeches filled with 
 personal allusions may be made without offense, though the 
 experiment is always hazardous, and generally in bad taste. 
 
 There is generally a certain amount of flippancy in suc- 
 cessful dinner speeches, which causes them to appear badly 
 in print. They lack in that shape, the spice, dash and 
 geniality which surrounded them when delivered. But all 
 such speeches are not flippant, and sometimes flippancy is 
 out of place. A public dinner or supper is often given in 
 aid of some noted charity, or on the anniversary of a society 
 founded for a serious purpose. In that case the speeches, 
 from that of the President on taking the chair down to that 
 upon " woman," should have a certain amount of dignity 
 along with the humors, and decorum with the wit. Mr. 
 Charles Dickens, who was an exceedingly good dinner 
 speaker of the English style, which is less free-and-easy 
 than the American, got the just medium in the matter very 
 well j and the following address of his when presiding at 
 the annual festival of the London Newsvenders and Provi- 
 dent Institution, will serve as a fair model to study : 
 
 " When I had the honor of being asked to preside last year, I waa 
 
18 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 prevented by indisposition, and I besought my friend, Mr. Wilkie 
 Collins, to reign in my stead. He very kindly complied, and made an 
 excellent speech. Now I tell you the truth, that I read that speech 
 with considerably uneasiness, for it inspired me with a strong misgiv- 
 ing that I had better have presided last year with neuralgia in my face 
 and my subject in my head, rather than preside this year with my 
 neuralgia all gone and my subject anticipated. Therefore, I wish to 
 preface the toast this evening by making the managers of this Institu- 
 tion one very solemn and repentant promise, and it is, if ever I find 
 myself obliged to provide a substitute again they may rely upon my 
 sending the most speechless man of my acquaintance. 
 
 "The chairman last year presented you with an amiable view of the 
 universality of the newsman's calling. Nothing, I think, is left for 
 me but to imagine the newsman's burden itself, to unfold one of those 
 wonderful sheets which he every day disseminates, and to take a bird's 
 eye view of its general character and contents. So, if you please, 
 choosing my own time — though the newsman can not choose his time, 
 for he must be equally active in winter or summer, in sunshine or sleet, 
 ki light or darkness, early or late — but, choosing my own time, I shall 
 for two or three moments start off with the newsman on a fine May 
 morning, and take a view of the wonderful broadsheets which every 
 day he scatters broadcast over the country. Well, the first thing that 
 occurs to me following the newsman is, that every day we are born, 
 that every day we are married— some of us — and that every day we 
 are dead ; consequently, the first thing the newsvender's column in- 
 forms me is, that Atkins has been born, that Catkins has been married, 
 and that Datkins is dead But the most remarkable thing I immedi- 
 ately discover in the next column is, that Atkins has grown to be 
 seventeen years old, and that he has run away; for, at last, my eye 
 lights on the fact that William A., who is seventeen years old, is 
 adjured immediately to return to his disconsolate parents, and every 
 thing will be arranged to the satisfaction of every one. * I am afraid he 
 will never returit, simply because, if he had meant to come back, he 
 would never have gone away. Immediately below, I find a mysteri- 
 ous character in such a mysterious difficulty that it is only to be ex- 
 pressed by several disjointed letters, by several figures, and several 
 stars ; and then I find the explanation in the intimation that the writer 
 has given his property over to his uncle, and that the elephant is on 
 the wing. Then, still glancing over the shoulder of my industrious 
 friend, the newsman, I find there are great fleets of ships bound to all 
 parts of the earth, that they all want a little more stowage, a little 
 more cargo, that they have a few more berths to let, that they have 
 all the most spacious decks, that they are all built of teak, and copper- 
 bottomed, that they all carry surgeons of experience, and that they are 
 all A 1 at Lloyds, and anywhere else. Still glancing over the shoulder 
 of my friend the newsman, I find I am offered all kinds of house-lodg- 
 ing, clerks, servants, and situations, which I can possibly or impossibly 
 want. I learn, to my intense gratification, that I need never grow 
 old, that I may always preserve the juvenile bloom of my complexion; 
 that if ever 1 turn ill it is entirely my own fault ; that if I have any 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 19 
 
 complaint, and want brown cod-liver oil or Turkish baths, I am told 
 where to get them, and that, if I want an income of seven pounds a 
 week, I may have it by sending hatt" a crown in postage-stamps. Then 
 I look to the police intelligence, and I can discover that I may bite off 
 a human living nose cheaply, but if I take off the dead nose of a pig or 
 a calf from a shop-window, it will cost me exceedingly dear. I also 
 find if I allow myself to be betrayed into the folly of killing an inoffen- 
 sive tradesman on his own door-step, that little incident will not affect 
 the testimonials to my character, but that I shall be described as a 
 most amiable young man,, and as, above all things, remarkable for the 
 singular inoffensiveness of my character and disposition. Then I turn 
 my eye to the Fine Arts, and, under that head, I see that a certain 
 'J. O.' has most triumphantly exposed a certain 'J. O. B.' which 
 'J. O. B.' was remarkable fortius particular ugly feature, that I was 
 requested to deprive myself of the best of my pictures for six months ; 
 that for that time it was to be hung on a wet wall, and that I was to 
 be requited for my courtesy in having my picture most impertinently 
 covered with a wet blanket. To sum up the results of a glance over 
 my newsman's shoulder, it gives a comprehensive knowledge of what 
 is going on over the continent of Europe, and also of what is going on 
 over the continent of America, to say nothing of such little geographi- 
 cal regions as India and China. 
 
 "Now, my friends, this is the glance over the newsman's shoulders 
 from the whimsical point of view, which is the point, I believe, that 
 most promotes digestion. The newsman is to be met with on steam- 
 boats, railway stations, and at every turn. His profits are small, he 
 has a' great amount of anxiety and care, and no little amount of 
 personal wear and tear. He is indispensable to civilization and free- 
 dom, and he is looked for with pleasurable excitement every day, 
 except when he lends the paper for an hour, and when he is punctual 
 in calling for it, which is sometimes very painful. I think the lesson 
 we can learn from our newsman is some new illustrations of the un- 
 certainty of life, some illustration of its vicissitudes and fluctuations. 
 Mindful of this permanent lesson, some members of the trade originat- 
 ed this society, which affords them assistance in time of sickness and 
 indigence. The subscription is infinitesimal. It amounts annually to 
 five shillings. Looking at the returns before me, the progress of -the 
 society would seem to be slow, but it has only been slow for the best 
 of all reasons, that it has been sure. 
 
 " The pensions granted are all obtained from the interest on the 
 funded capital, and, therefore, the Institution is literally as safe as the 
 Bank. It is stated that there are several newsvenders who are not 
 members of this society ; but that is true in all institutions which have 
 come under my experience. The persons who are most likely to stand 
 in need of the benefits which an institution confers, and usually the 
 persons to keep away until bitter experience comes to them too late." 
 
20 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 PART III.-OF POLITICAL SPEECHES. 
 
 
 THERE are about two thousand counties, more or less, in 
 the United States. In each of these there are held in 
 a year at least ten political meetings on one side, and every 
 fourth year twice as many. At these meetings the average 
 number of speeches are three to each. The opposite party 
 does the same amount of meeting and talking. Here we 
 have the alarming spectacle of some one hundred and twenty 
 thousand speeches let off annually for three years, and two 
 hundred and fifty thousand fired into the air on the fourth 
 year j being three-fifths of a million of speeches inflicted 
 upon suffering American humanity in the space of forty- 
 eight calendar months. I neither complain of this as an 
 outrage, nor boast of it as showing both the great talking 
 power of one part of my countrymen, and the capacity of 
 enduring torture of the rest. I merely state the fact. 
 
 Now there can be no question that while there are a fair 
 number of the speeches thus delivered that may be listened 
 to with comfort and even with satisfaction, the greater part 
 of this political eloquence is of a very low order of merit, 
 or devoid of all merit whatever. And this state of affairs 
 occurs, not from lack of brains on the part of political 
 speakers, as from a lack of kuowledge on the part of- the 
 auditors what a political speech should be. Instead of a 
 careful discussion of public measures, the public expect to 
 hear an attack upon men ; instead of an appeal to their un- 
 derstanding, a mere attempt to pander to their prejudices 
 or amuse them for the moment. What they are supposed 
 to want they get. If they considered that politics is merely, 
 in its legitimate sense, a dispute about the proper mode of 
 managing public affairs, and conducting public business, 
 they would demand the views of their orators on topics of 
 public interest connected with the management of public 
 affairs. In truth, the greater part of people prefer good 
 sense in a public speech to nonsense, and the speaker who 
 will confine himself to his topic, enlivening it in a legitimate 
 way, will secure more general approval than he who in- 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 21 
 
 dulges in lofty flights, or who stoops to buffoonery in order 
 to gain laughter and applause. 
 
 If you are called on to address a political meeting, or 
 have a desire to mingle in that way in political affairs, the 
 first point is to have something to say. And to have some- 
 thing to say it is necessary that you should be master of 
 the subject. The preparation for speaking should be 
 thorough — not in words, but in facts and ideas. As a good 
 political speech is always short, you should confine your- 
 self to one, or at most two branches of your subject. That 
 is, you should speak on but one or two topics j but, as you 
 cannot tell what those who speak before you will touch 
 upon, you must be prepared on all. 
 
 If you are a novice, so soon as you have made yourself 
 master of everything connected with the political campaign, 
 after you have filled your mind full of the shameful omis- 
 sions and criminal commissions of the opposite side, and 
 mastered the policy which is proposed or sustained by your 
 own party, it will be a good plan to write out a short 
 speech upon any particular branch of the subject. Write 
 this with great care, and condense it by striking out every 
 adjective where it is possible and every phrase where the 
 same idea or fact is repeated a second time. When you 
 have got it to suit you, read it over and over until it is 
 tolerably well fixed in your mind — not committed to 
 memory — and then burn it as soon as possible. Having 
 done that, read over any selection of speeches, including 
 those given in this little hand-book — observe their style and 
 the manner in which the speakers have handled the subject, 
 throw them aside, and begin to write another speech, which, 
 after completing and fixing in your mind, you will destroy 
 like its predecessor. Then refresh your memory by reading 
 up all the facts previously obtained. Understand that 
 the best preparation for the discussion of any subject, politi- 
 cal or otherwise, is to understand it thoroughly in all its 
 shapes j and a continual written discussion of its salient 
 points will confirm and fix the knowledge acquired by read- 
 ing, or by listening to the remarks of well-informed persons. 
 
 Nor, to make an effective political speaker, is it alone 
 necessary that you should be well acquainted with the 
 
22 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 differences between political parties. You should have a 
 thorough knowledge of the political history of the country, 
 the origin of parties, the different plans of finance, the 
 opposing schemes of government, and a fair acquaintance 
 with the administration of public affairs in other countries. 
 
 Having made yourself master of your subject, and fixed 
 the knowledge more firmiy in your mind by writing upon 
 it, the next thing is to accustom yourself to an audience. 
 To do this with the least embarrassment to yourself, and 
 with the best chances for success, make your debut in some 
 strange place. This is for two reasons — one, because there 
 will be no familiar faces to divert your mind from its proper 
 current of thought; and the other since, if you fail it is less 
 mortifying to do so before strangers, while if you succeed 
 your gratification will be as great there as anywhere. As 
 " a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country," 
 you will meet with more consideration abroad. You go 
 there to teach, and they expect you to teach, and are pre- 
 pared to hear favorably what you have to say. But in your 
 own place the people know you, and not knowing you as a 
 speaker, look with half amusement and half disgust at your 
 attempt to talk to them ; and the words — "Is Saul among 
 the prophets ? " stand out all over them in the most annoy- 
 ing way. 
 
 When you rise to address the people do it In the simplest 
 and most unpretending way. If you can stand on the same 
 level with your audience, they being seated, do so, or as 
 little above them as possible. Nothing is more difficult 
 than speaking from a bight. You have in that case to 
 force your voice downward, when the sound naturally 
 ascends. Begin slowly, and in a rather low tone of voice, 
 about your usual pitch in talking out of doors. Speak 
 distinctly, and utter every syllable and sound clearly, and 
 you will be heard where a hasty speaker twice as loud in 
 voice would neither be heard nor understood. Speak in 
 
 NOTE. — Those desirous of detailed instructions In writing speeches, will find a 
 chapter specially devoted to that subieetin the 'Guide to Authorship,'' which will 
 afford great aid. Besides this chapter there are others which, though intetfded for 
 writers rather than speakers, will yet be found very useful to the latter. An outlay 
 of fifty cents for the "Guide " will, we think, prove a good investment on the part 
 of all interested. 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 23 
 
 that earnest and natural tone which denotes you mean what 
 you say. 
 
 As to the subject best suited to impress your audience, 
 that depends upon circumstances. Sometimes a particular 
 part of party policy becomes the object of attack, or the 
 subject of defense, and it may be policy to talk of that and 
 nothing else. As a general rule however, a political 
 speaker should never defend, but always attack. The one 
 who attacks, assails ; the one who defends assumes the 
 criminal's place. Take it for granted that you are right — 
 you are there to show up the short-comings of your 
 opponent. 
 
 Of course it depends a deal on which party you belong 
 to. If you belong to the party in power, you see the action 
 of the administration through rose-colored spectacles. 
 Everything is lovely, and as it ought to be. If you are of 
 the opposition, then you look at affairs through yellow 
 glasses. Everything is doleful, and as it ought not to be. 
 If the first, you point with pride to the fact that a large 
 portion of the national debt has been paid off already, that 
 we occupy a high position in the eyes of the world, and that 
 we are fast coming back to our old prosperity. Accuse the 
 opposition of endeavoring to cut down the duties on 
 imports, and so bring the pauper labor of Europe in com- 
 petition with that of our industrious mechanics; denounce 
 them as sympathisers with rebellion; accuse them of 
 attempting to revive dead issues, and to unsettle questions 
 that had been disposed of by war, and the logic of accepted 
 facts. If a democrat you show that the administration is 
 unnecessarily and enormously expensive ; that extravagance 
 and corruption mark every step of the government; that 
 the men in power keep the war in the South alive long after 
 peace has been declared ; accuse them of revenue schemes 
 to make the rich richer and the poor, poorer; and hold 
 them as the party in power responsible for all the wrong of 
 legislation, and all the fraud in the executive offices. 
 
 But, if you are a novice, you will not cover so much 
 ground, and you will do what little you do, in a more 
 artistic way. Take up any one of the subjects named, but 
 pr. pare for it first by some reference to the aim and object 
 
24 TEE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 of government — the reasons why men enter into communi- 
 ties, and submit to rules j the principles that should govern 
 the action of departments of the public service. Then 
 show where and how the particular action of the opposite 
 side which you select for attack, violates these principles, 
 and conflicts with those aims and objects ; and ask your 
 auditors to stamp their disapproval on the action of the 
 other party by the only practical way they can do it, 
 namely, by voting for your side j for your principles and 
 for the men who are pledged to maintain them. 
 
 But above all, be brief, a political speech over twenty 
 minutes long is a nuisance, which should subject its 
 perpetrator to the horse-pond. There is an exception to 
 this. If you are the only speaker, and it is a country 
 place where the audience has come from great distances, 
 and has nothing to occupy it, and looks to be made up of 
 patient people — then you may make a long speech, about 
 a half hour. And don't warn people that you are about to 
 close, so that some one may cry "go on," by way of com- 
 pliment, though hoping you won't. Don't tell any one you 
 are about to close, but close when you have done, without 
 warning, or without that lingering and hesitation which a 
 man feels who is about to be hanged. The essence of suc- 
 cessful eloquence is made up of three things, — to have some- 
 thing to say ; to say that something well ; and to stop when 
 you have said it. 
 
 In political speaking, as in nearly all speaking, a collo- 
 quial manner is best. The tone of voice should be that of 
 ordinary earnest conversation. But with the occasion, the 
 speaker will depart from this for a time. As he becomes 
 excited he may even declaim ; but he should be careful to 
 avoid rant. The human vocal organs form an instrument 
 upon which a man must play, and he will play better by 
 practice ; but he must endeavor to keep full control of the 
 instrument. But of that we will have more to say in another 
 place. 
 
 It is not alone in the ward meeting, or the district public 
 assembly that political speeches are delivered. In caucuses 
 or conventions, which are the legislatures of the political 
 parties, a number of subjects come up for discussion ; party 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 25 
 
 action is shaped j and principles of action, as well as action 
 itself, are determined. The speaking here is of a different 
 character, and is much easier than the set speech. In a 
 debate opposite views are brought out, and the excitement 
 of opposition develops ideas, and aids expression. A man 
 may labor in a set speech, and labor to little purpose, who 
 will figure quite effectively in debate. Even the set speech 
 which often is given in a party convention, partakes of the 
 argumentative rather than the declamatroy character. In 
 some parts of the country political meetings are got up for 
 debate. Both sides are represented on the stump, and the 
 result is that the auditors learn something. Where a meet- 
 ing is entirely in the interest of one party, speakers are apt 
 to be loose in their statements, and to deal extravagantly 
 with facts. But where a speaker knows he is to be followed 
 by some one who will attempt to refute his positions, he is 
 careful in his -statements, and makes his side as strong as 
 possible by stating no more than he can maintain. 
 
 Never underrate the capacity of your audience. There 
 are no better judges of speaking than your unlettered men; 
 because they hear so much of it, and often by men of mark, 
 and because your unlettered man may have as much brains 
 as the learned, though under less culture. And though the 
 speaker who indulges in buffoonery, or who uses fine 
 rhetorical figures, is often applauded to the echo, you will 
 find that the man who takes a plain, common sense view of 
 his subject, who states his case plainly and precisely, who 
 wastes no words, and who brings to his task knowledge, 
 earnestness aud simplicity of diction, will be listened to 
 with intense attention, and will command the respect which 
 the more flashy and humorous orator will fail to win. 
 
 We do not wish to denounce either humor, or the proper 
 use of fine figures of speech. But both these are mere 
 accessories. They should not make the staple of the ora- 
 tion. And humor is a very dangerous edged tool, that is 
 apt to cut the hands of the unskillful workman. It is quite 
 rare that it can be carried to any great extent, with any 
 profit. We know of few instances to the contrary, but 
 those are quite remarkable ; and these were in legislative 
 assemblages, and will be noticed elsewhere. A quite sue- 
 
26 THE IMPBOMPTU SPEAKEB. 
 
 cessfal instance is in the following, which is part of a speech 
 delivered before a Democratic convention by Thomas Dunn 
 English, in July, I860, as we fiucl it reported in a Trenton 
 journal of that time : 
 
 " After the very spirit-stirring appeal made by the gentleman who has 
 preceded me (Mr. Maar), I fear that what I may say will only tend to 
 pale the enthusiasm which he has generated — an enthusiasm which 
 reminds me of the fiery days of the party, even as I am old enough to 
 remember it. And I am placed in a more unfortunate position than 
 that gentleman, because I have not even a refuge in that embarrass- 
 ment of which he speaks — (Laughter.) I have very little, if any, 
 modesty to fall back upon. In my early days — my time of juvenile 
 innocence — 1 possessed modesty to an alarming extent, no doubt ; but 
 as I rose to manhood it wore away ; — time rubbed the down off the 
 peach, and left me perfectly able to take care of myself on all occasions. 
 I am not at all embarrassed at appearing before a mass of Democrats 
 anywhere, and feel perfectly willing, on all proper occasions, to avow 
 ray views and sentiments. Nor am I discouraged by the circumstances 
 amid which we stand to-day. I am not alarmed for the future of 
 the Democratic party, because some who were so long with us— meu 
 who have led us in many a fight — have gone after strange gods, and 
 deserted, in their man worsship, the trusts they held. The leaders of 
 the Democratic party are not its masters, but its executive officers. 
 (Cheers.) If they fail or falter, we depose them, and choose their 
 successors from the ranks. (Cheers ) • The path of progress of the 
 Democratic party is strewn with the carcasses of leaders — of men 
 whose names were our watchwords, but who placed themselves in the 
 road of its march to stay or swerve it, and so they perished. The 
 policy of the party is based upon the necessities of. the country. It 
 applies eternal and unchanging principles to those necessities ; and so 
 its policy grows, shifts or "changes, with the progress of the Nation, 
 but the principles never change. 
 
 " If they be lost sight of for a brief time, as in the case of the resolu- 
 tions of 1793, they are sure to reassert themselves and regain their old 
 force. Our policy is based uponjhe true principles, and preserves the 
 Union by adhering to the letter of the Constitution and preserving the 
 equality of the states. We guarantee and defend the rights of each 
 part and portion of the confederacy. To-day one section is assailed 
 and we sustain it, not to please that section, but because our course 
 is right. We cannot afford — least of all the citizens of New Jersey — 
 to see the rights of any member of our confederacy invaded. Here 
 we are, citizens of this plucky little state, placed between the two 
 leading states for population, power and wealth, in all the Union. 
 We have no armed forces, no natural defense, no mountain fastnesses, 
 and we are but few in number. Yet who doubts if we were assailed, 
 that the manly hearts of our people would impel their strong arms to 
 fight in defence of their reserved rights— to fight to the last man and 
 the last drop of blood. Do we think that there is any state in the 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 27 
 
 South who would do less ! If so we should put it out of the Union 
 speedily as too degraded to be our peer. And it is to mete to other 
 states what we demand— to maintain their perfect equality with us — 
 that we are prepared and willing to contend for their rights. It is our 
 own battles we fight. We do right not to please a section, but because 
 it is right of itself. (Cheers.) And if leaders, to pander to the 
 morbid sentiment of fanaticism, violate the policy which has brought 
 them into power and position, they will live to see their names, like 
 those of others that once occupied a high place in the temple of the 
 party, effaced so fully that they never may be restored. They will not 
 find themselves necessary to our existence or our prosperity. We can 
 replace them at our will. — The exigency of the moment will bring us 
 leaders for a struggle, as it has brought them before. We have in our 
 ranks, no doubt, though you and I may not see them at this moment, 
 many men who are fit to take command. We are too apt to under- 
 value the great men of our own time by contrasting them unfavorably 
 with their predecessors — men who are scorned by their cotemporaries 
 in the same way. The dwarfs of the present may become the giants of 
 the future. (Cheers.) I do not much indulge in comparison, but I 
 remember a fact, trifling in itself, which I once mentioned in a dinner- 
 speech and which comes to my mind aptly. I was traveling, a few 
 years since, on horseback, toward the close of a summer's day, in the 
 Western part of a neighboring state. My path — it could scarcely be 
 called a road — lay over a succession of mountain ridges. All day long 
 I had witnessed the same scenery — the rough masses of rock, the grey 
 earth, the dense undergrowth, and the tall trees, branchless from root 
 to summit fork — all similar and all monotonous. I thought the scenery 
 commonplace. I was wearied with the recurrence of tree and rock 
 and shrub, as well as jaded with travel. When I reached the valley I 
 turned accidentally, and glanced upward. There before me, towering 
 in lofty majesty, was the mountain down whose sides I had ridden — the 
 hues of loaf and soil and rock blending into each other, the rugged out- 
 lines softened down by the atmosphere and smoothed by the distance, 
 and the summit crowned by the rays of the setting sun. Time is the 
 distance which will smooth the ruggedness of the great men around us, 
 wrap the body of their fame in aerial garments, and crown their brow 
 with the sunset rays of a golden immortality. (Enthusiastic cheering.)" 
 
 In the light of later events parts of the speech seem like 
 an echo from the grave; but still one can see in the general 
 style, and in the metaphor at the close of the part we have 
 extracted, how and why the audience were moved. 
 
28 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 PART IT.-OF LEGISLATIVE SPEAKING. 
 
 IX public legislative bodies, whether the town council, 
 the state assembly or Congress, all debate is conducted 
 by certain set rules, in order to preserve decorum, and 
 facilitate the despatch of business. These rules, which are 
 to be found in certain published u manuals,' 7 should be 
 thoroughly learned by every member; as without that 
 knowledge he will find his influence reduced to the smallest 
 amount and his eloquence clogged by frequent unpleasant 
 interruptions. In all such bodies time is of value, and every 
 one who participates in discussion has no right to waste the 
 time of others, however liberal he may be with his own. 
 
 In a debate, though no one should rise too often on the 
 same subject, the main speech he may make will often be 
 supplemented by others; and the interpolations of his 
 antagonist will soon cause his oration to take the shape of 
 a polylogue. But the rules governing the main speech are 
 the same as in the dinner, or stump oration. It is to be 
 constructed on the same principles. 
 
 In the first place the subject itself should be previously 
 mastered in all its bearings, if the speaker be not well 
 acquainted with it already. In the second pl&ce. he should 
 state his views briefly and without attempts at ornament. 
 Unless lie means to speak but once, he should reserve 
 sarcasm, humor and the use of striking figures of rhetoric 
 for a later period, when he desires to refute some points of 
 his opponents, or overwhelm them with ridicule. 
 
 The novice in speaking — and it is for such we write — 
 will not gum much by a close perusal of the debates in 
 Congress or the state legislatures. Indeed, if he survived 
 the amount of dullness thus taken into the brain, he would 
 find his own intellect permanently weakened by the dull stuff 
 it had imbibed. Some men improve in speaking by practice. 
 There are those, however, who grow worse every day ; and 
 being dull at the beginning end in becoming stupid. A 
 careful study of the styles of 'orators of reputation will be 
 of more service, and be far less tiresome. 
 
THE IMPHOMPTU SPEAKER. 29 
 
 And in connection with this, a portion of a debate in the 
 convention of Virginia, on the adoption of the Federal con- 
 stitution, will give the reader a fair idea of the manner, and 
 when we consider that the two engaged in it were Patrick 
 Henry and Edmund Randolph, also of the matter of a first 
 class debate. Patrick Henry, it will be remembered, was 
 opposed to the ratification on the part of Virginia, of the 
 constitution of the United States, and Edmund Randolph 
 took the opposite ground. The extracts we make, though 
 too short to do justice to the arguments, are sufficient to 
 show the style of the parties, and should be carefully 
 studied : 
 
 In his first speech on the question, among other things, 
 Mr. Henry said : 
 
 " This constitution is said to have beautiful features; but when I 
 come to examine these features, sir, they appear to me horribly fright- 
 ful. Among other deformities, it has an awful squinting ; it squints 
 toward monarchy : and does not this raise indignation in the breast of 
 every true American ? Your President may easily become Mug. 
 Your Senate is so imperfectly constructed, that your dearest rights 
 may be sacrificed by what may be a small minority ; and a very small 
 minority may continue forever unchangeably this government, although 
 horridly defective. Where are your checks in this government ? 
 Your strongholds will be in the hands of your enemies. It is on a 
 supposition that your American governors shall be honest, that all the 
 good qualities of this government are founded ; but its defective and 
 imperfect construction puts it in their power to perpetrate the worst 
 of mischiefs, should they be bad men. And, sir, would not all the 
 world, from the eastern to the western hemisphere, blame our dis- 
 tracted folly in resting our rights upon the contingency of our rulers 
 being good or bad ? Show me that age and country where the rights 
 and liberties of the people were placed on the sole chance of their 
 rulers being good men, without a consequent loss of liberty. I say 
 ibat the loss of that dearest privilege has ever followed, with absolute 
 certainty, every such mad attempt. If your American chief be a man 
 of ambition and abilities, how easy will it be for him to render him- 
 self absolute! The army is in his hands, and, if he be a man of ad- 
 dress, it will be attached to him: and it will be the subject of long 
 meditation with him to seize the first auspicious moment to accomplish 
 his design. And, sir, will the American spirit solely relieve you when 
 this happens ? I would rather infinitely — and I am sure most of 
 convention are of the same opinion, have a king, lords, and com. 
 then a government so replete with such insupportable evils. If we 
 make a king, we may prescribe the rules by which he shall rule his 
 people, and interpose such checks as shall prevent him from infringing 
 them ; but the President in the field, at the head of his army, an pre 
 
SO THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 scribe the terms on which he shall reign master, so far that it will 
 puzzle any American ever to get his neck from under the galling yoke. 
 I cannot, with patience, think of this idea. If ever he violates the 
 laws, one of two things will happen ; he will come at the head of h?s 
 army to carry everything before him; or, he will give bail, or do what 
 Mr. Chief Justice will order him. If he be guilty, will not the recol- 
 lection of his crimes teach him to make one bold push for the American 
 throne ? Will not the immense difference between being master of 
 everything, and being ignominiously tried and punished, powerfully 
 excite him to make this bold push ? But, sir, where is the existing 
 force to punish him ? Can he not, at the head of his army beat down 
 every opposition ? Away with your President ; we shall have a king ; 
 the army will salute him monarch ; your militia will leave you, and 
 assist in making him king, and fight against you, and what have you to 
 oppose this force 1 What will then become of you and your rights ? 
 Will not absolute despotism ensue ? 
 
 *### * #** 
 
 " I trust, sir, the exclusion of the evils wherewith this system is 
 replete, in its present form, will be made a condition precedent to its 
 adoption, by this or any other state The transition from a general, 
 unqualified admission to offices, to a consolidation of government, seems 
 easy ; for, though the American states are dissimilar in their structure, 
 this will assimilate them ; this, sir, is itself a strong consolidating 
 feature, and is not one of the least dangerous in that system. Nine 
 states are insufficient to establish this government over those nine. 
 Imagine that nine have come into it. Virginia has certain scruples. 
 Suppose she will consequently refuse to join with those states ; may 
 not they still continue in friendship and union with her ? If she sends 
 her annual requisitions in dollars, do you think their stomachs will be 
 so squeamish as to refuse her dollars? Will they not accept her 
 regiments ? T-hey would intimidate you into an inconsiderate adoption, 
 and frighten you with ideal evils, and that the Union shall be dissolved. 
 'Tis a bug -bear, sir : the fact is, sir, that the eight adopting states can 
 hardly stand on their own legs. Public fame tells us, that the adopt- 
 ing states have already heart -burnings and animosity, and repent their 
 precipitate hurry ; this, sir, may occasion exceeding great mischief. 
 When I reflect on these and many other circumstances, I must think 
 those states will be found to be in confederacy with us. 
 
 "If we pay our quota of money annually, and furnish our ratable 
 number of men, when necessary, I can see no danger from a rejection. 
 The history of Switzerland clearly proves, that we might be in amica- 
 ble alliance with those states, without adopting this Constitution. 
 Switzerland is a confederacy, consisting of dissimilar governments. 
 This is an example, which proves that governments, of dissimilar 
 structures, may be confederated. That confederate republic has stood 
 upward of four hundred years ; and, although several of the individual 
 republics are democratic, and the rest aristocratic, no evil has resulted 
 from this dissimilarity, for they have braved all the power of France 
 and Germany, during that long period. The Swiss spirit, sir, has kept 
 them together; they have encountered and overcome immense difrl- 
 
THE IMPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 31 
 
 culties, with patience and fortitude. In the vicinity of powerful and 
 ambitious inonarchs, they have retained their independence, republican 
 simplicity and valor. Look at the peasants of that country, and of 
 France, and mark the difference. You will find the condition of the 
 former far more desirable and comfortable. JSTo matter whether a 
 p'eople be great, splendid, and powerful, if they enjoy freedom. The 
 Turkish Grand Seignior, alongside of our President, would put us to 
 disgrace, but we should be abundantly consoled for this disgrace, 
 should our citizen be put in contrast with the Turkish slave." 
 
 Mr. Randolph replied to this on the following day. From 
 his speech we take the following passages : 
 
 " Instead of entering largely into a discussion of the nature an** 
 effect of the different kinds of government, or into an inquiry into the 
 particular extent of country, that may suit the genius of this or that 
 government, I ask this question — Is this government necessary for the 
 safety of Virginia ? Is f he union indispensable for our happiness ? I 
 confess it is imprudent for any nation to form alliance with another, 
 whose situation and construction of government are dissimilar with its 
 own. It is impolitic and improper for men of opulence to join their 
 interest with men of indigence and chance. But we are now inquir- 
 ing, particularly, whether Virginia, as contradistinguished from the 
 other states, can exist without the Union — a hard question, perhaps, 
 after what has been said. I will venture, however, to say, she cannot. 
 I shall not rest contented with asserting — I shall endeavor to prove. 
 Look at the most powerful nations on earth. England and France 
 have had recourse to this expedient. Those countries found it neces- 
 sary to unite with their immediate neighbors, and this union has pre- 
 vented the most lamentable mischiefs. 
 
 " What divine preeminence is Virginia possessed of, above other 
 states ? Can Virginia send her navy and thunder, to bid defiance to 
 foreign nations ? And can she exist without a union with her neigh- 
 bors, when the most potent nations have found such a union necessary, 
 not only to their political felicity, but their national existence ? Let 
 us examine her ability. Although it be impossible to determine, with 
 accuracy, what degree of internal strength a nation ought to possess, 
 to enable it to stand by itself; yet there are certain sure facts and cir- 
 cumstances, which demonstrate, that a particular nation cannot stand 
 singly. I have spoken with freedom, and I trust I have done it with 
 decency; but I must also speak with truth. If Virginia can exist 
 without the union, she must derive that ability from one or other of 
 these sources, viz : from her natural situation, or because she has no 
 reason to fear from other nations. What is her situation ? She is not 
 inaccessible. She is not a petty republic, like that of St. Marino, sur- 
 rounded with rocks and mountains, with a soil not very fertile, nor 
 worthy the envy of surrounding nations. Were this, sir, her situation, 
 she might, like that petty state, subsist separated from all the world. 
 On the contrary she is very accessible ; the large, capacious bay of Che- 
 sc^eake, which is but too excellently adapted for the admission of 
 enemies, renders her very vulnerable. I am informed, and I believe 
 
32 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 rightly, because I derive my information from those whose knowledge is 
 most respectable, that Virginia is in a very unhappy position, with re- 
 pect to the access of foes by sea, though happily situated for commerce. 
 This being her situation by sea, let us look at land. She has frontiers 
 adjoining the states of Pennsylvania, Maryland and North Carolina. 
 Two of these states have declared themselves members of the Union. 
 Will she be inaccessible to the inhabitants of those states ? Cast 
 your eyes to the western country, that is inhabited by cruel savages, 
 your natural enemies. Besides their natural propensity to barbarity, 
 they may be excited, by the gold of foreign enemies, to commit the 
 most horrid ravages on your people. Our great, increasing population 
 is one remedy to this evil ; but, being scattered thinly over so extensive 
 a country, how difficult is it to collect their strength, or defend the 
 country. 
 
 " If then, sir, Virginia, from her situation, is not inaccessible, or in- 
 vulnerable, let us consider if she be protected, by having no cause to 
 fear from other nations : has she no cause to fear ? You will have 
 cause to fear as a nation, if disunited; you will not only have this 
 cause to fear from yourselves, from that species of population I before 
 mentioned, and your once sister states, but from the arms of other 
 nations. Have you no cause of fear from Spain, whose dominions 
 border on your country ? Every nation, every people, in our circum- 
 stances, have always had abundant cause to fear. Let us see the 
 danger to be apprehended from France ; let us suppose Virginia 
 separated from the other states : as part of the former confederated 
 states, she will owe France a very considerable sum — France will be 
 as magnanimous as ever. France, by the law of nations, will have a 
 right to demand the whole of her, or of the others. If France were 
 to demand it, what would become of the property of America ? Could 
 she not destroy what little commerce we have ? Could she not seize 
 our ships, and carry havoc and destruction before her on our shores ? 
 The most lamentable desolation would take place. We owe a debt to 
 Spain also ; do we expect indulgence from that quarter ? That nation 
 has a right to demand the debt due to it. and power to enforce that 
 right. Will the Dutch be silent about the debt due to them ? Is there 
 any one pretension, that any of these nations will be patient ? The 
 debts due the British also very considerable : these debts have been 
 withheld contrary to treaty ; if Great Britain will demand the pay- 
 ment of these debts, peremptorily, what will be the consequence? 
 Can we pay them if demanded ? Will no danger result from a refusal ? 
 Will the British nation suffer their subjects to be stripped of their 
 property? Is not that nation amply able to do its subjects justice? 
 Will the resentment of that powerful and supercilious nation sleep for- 
 ever ? If we become one, sole nation, uniting with our sister states, 
 our means of defence will be greater ; the indulgence for the payment 
 of those debts wiil be greater, and the danger of an attack less pro- 
 bable. Moreover, vast quantities of lauds have been sold, by citizens 
 of this country, to Europeans, and these lands cannot be found. Will 
 this fraud be countenanced or endured ? Among so many causes of 
 danger, shall we be secure, separated *from our sister states ? Weak- 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 33 
 
 ness itself, sir, will invite some attack upon your country. Contem- 
 plate our situation deliberately, and consult history : it will inform 
 you, that people in our circumstances have ever been attacked, and 
 successfully : open any page, and you will there find our danger truly 
 depicted. If such a people had any thing, was it not taken ? The 
 fate which will befall us. I fear, sir, will be, that we- shall be made a 
 partition of. How will these our troubles be removed ? Can we have 
 any dependence on commerce? Can we make any computation on 
 this subject? Where will our flag appear? So high is the spirit 
 of commercial nations, that they will spend five times the value of the 
 object, to exclude their rivals from a participation in commercial 
 profits; they seldom regard. any expenses. If we should be divided 
 from the rest of the states, upon what footing would our navigation in 
 the Mississippi be ? What would be the probable conduct of France 
 and Spain ? 
 
 " I will close this catalogue of the evils of the dissolution of the 
 Union, by recalling to your mind what passed in the year 1781. Such 
 was the situation of our affairs then, that the powers of a dictator 
 were given to the commander-in-chief to save us from destruction. 
 This shows the situation of the country to have been such as made it 
 ready to embrace an actual dictator. At some future period, will not 
 our distresses impel us to do what the Dutch have done — throw all 
 power into the hands of a stadtholder ? How intinitely more wise and 
 eligible, than this desperate alternative, is a union with our American 
 brethren ! I feel myself so abhorrent to any thing that will dissolve 
 our Union, that I cannot prevail with myself to assent -to it directly or 
 indirectly. If the union is to be dissolved, what step is to be taken ? 
 Shall we form a partial confederacy ; or is it expected that we shall 
 successfully apply to foreign alliance for military aid? This last 
 measure, sir, has ruined almost every nation that has used it ; so 
 dreadful an example ought to be most cautiously avoided ; for seldom 
 has a nation recurred to the expedient of foreign succor without being 
 ultimately crushed by that succor. We may lose our liberty and inde- 
 pendence by this injudicious scheme of policy. Admitting it to be a 
 scheme replete with safety, what nation shall we solicit — France ? 
 She will disdain a conned ion with a people in our predicament. I 
 would trust every thing to the magnanimity of that nation ; but she 
 would despise a people who had, like us, so imprudently separated 
 from their brethren ; and, sir, were she to accede to our proposal, 
 with what facility could she become mistress of our country ! To 
 what nation then shall we apply — to Great Britain ? Nobody has as 
 yet trusted that idea. An application to any other must be either 
 fruitless or dangerous ; to those who advocate local confederacies, and 
 at the same time preach up for republican liberty, I answer, that their 
 conduct is inconsistent ; the defense of such partial confederacies will 
 require such a degree of force and expense as will destroy every 
 feature of republicanism. Give me leave to say, that I see naught but 
 destruction in a local confederacy. With what state can we eon- 
 federate but North Carolina — North Carolina, situated worse than 
 ourselves ? Consult your own reason ? I beseech gentlemen most 
 
34 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 seriously to reflect on the consequences of such a confederacy; I be- 
 seech them to consider whether Virginia and North Carolina, both 
 oppressed with debts and slaves, can defend themselves externally', or 
 make their people happy internally. North Carolina having no strength 
 but militia, and Virginia in the same situation, will make, I fear, but 
 a despicable figure in history. Thus, sir, I hope that I have satisfied 
 you that we are unsafe without a union, and that in union alone eafety 
 consists. s^ 
 
 " But the amendability of the confederation seems to have great 
 weight on the minds of some gentlemen. To what point will the 
 amendments go ? What part makes the most important figure ? 
 What part deserves to be retained ? In it, one body has the legis- 
 lative, executive, and judicial powers ; but the want of efficient powers 
 has prevented the dangers naturally consequent on the union of these. 
 Is this union consistent with an augmentation of their power ? Will 
 jou then amend it, by taking away one of these three powers? Sup- 
 pose, for instance, you only vested it with the legislative and executive 
 powers, without any control on the judiciary, what must be the result? 
 Are we not taught by reason, experience and gov u'mneutal history, 
 that tyranny is the natural and certain consequence of uniting these 
 two powers, or the legislative and judicial powers exclusively, in the 
 same body ? If any one denies it, I shall pass by him as an infidel not 
 . to be reclaimed. Wherever any two of these three powers are vested 
 in one single body, they must, at one time or other, terminate in the 
 destruction of liberty. In the most important cases, the assent of nine 
 states is necessary to pass a law; this is too great a restriction, and 
 whatever good consequences it may in some cases produce, yet it will 
 prevent energy in "many other cases ; it will prevent energy, which is 
 most necessary on some emergencies, even in cases wherein the exist- 
 ence of the community depends on vigor and expedition. It is incom- 
 patible with that secrecy which is the life of execution and despatch. 
 Did ever thirty or forty men retain a secret ? Without secrecy no 
 government can carry on its operations on great occasions; this is 
 what gives that superiority in action to the government of one. If any 
 thing were wanting to complete this farce, it would be that a resolution 
 of the assembly of Virginia and the other legislatures, should be 
 necessary to confirm and render of any validity the congressional acts; 
 this would openly discover the debility of the general government to 
 all the world. But, in fact, its imbecility is now nearly the same as if 
 such acts were formally requisite. An act of the assembly of Virginia, 
 controverting a resolution of congress, would certainly prevail. I 
 therefore conclude that the confederation is too defective to deserve 
 correction. Let us take farewell of it with reverential respect, as an 
 old benefactor. It is gone, whether this house says so or not. It is 
 gone, sir, by its own weakness. 
 
 " I have labored for the continuance of the Union — the rock of our 
 salvation. I believe that as sure as there is a God in heaven, our 
 safety, our political happiness and existence, depend on the union of 
 the states; and that, without this union, the people of this and the 
 other states will undergo the unspeakable calamities w hich discord, 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 35 
 
 faetiou, turbulence, war and bloodshed have produced in other coun- 
 tries. The American spirit ought to be mixed with American pride — 
 pride to see the union magnificently triumph. Let that glorious pride 
 which once defied the British thunder, reanimate you again. Let it 
 not be recorded of Americans, that, after having performed the most 
 gallant exploits, after having overcome the most astonishing difficulties, 
 and after having gained the admiration of the world by their incom- 
 parable valor and policy, they lost their acquired reputation, their 
 national consequence and happiness, by their own indiscretion. Let 
 no future historian inform posterity that they wanted wisdom and 
 virtue to concur in any regular, efficient government. Should any 
 writer, doomed to so disagreeable a task, feel the indignation of an 
 honest historian, he would reprehend and recriminate our folly with 
 equal severity and justice. Catch the present moment ; seize it with 
 avidity and eagerness ; for it may be lost, never to be regained. If 
 the Union be now lost, I fear it will remain so forever. I believe 
 gentlemen are sincere in their opposition, and actuated by pure 
 motives ; but when I maturely weigh the advantages ot the Union, 
 and dreadful consequences of its dissolution ; when I see safety on my 
 right, and destruction on my left ; when I behold respectability and 
 happiness acquired by the one, but annihilated by the other, — I cannot 
 hesitate to decide in favor of the former." * 
 
 From the three subsequent speeches of Mr. Henry in 
 reply, we take the following : 
 
 " Switzerland consists of thirteen cantons expressly confederated 
 for national defense. They have stood the shock of four hundred 
 years ; that country has enjoyed internal tranquillity most of that long 
 period. Their dissensions have been, comparatively to those of other 
 countries, very few. What has passed in the neighboring countries ? 
 Wars, dissensions, and intrigues — Germany involved in the most de- 
 plorable civil war thirty years successively, continually convulsed with 
 intestine divisions, and harassed by foreign wars — France with her 
 mighty monarchy perpetually at war. Compare the peasants of 
 Switzerland with those of any other mighty nation : you will find them 
 far more happy ; for one civil war among them, there have been five 
 or six anions other nations ; their attachment to their country, and 
 to freedom, their resolute intrepidity in their defense, the consequent 
 security and happiness which they have enjoyed, and the respect and 
 awe which these things produced in their bordering nations, have 
 signalized those republicans Their valor, sir, has been active ; every 
 thing that sets in motion the springs of the human heart, engaged them 
 to the protection of their inestimable privileges. They have not only 
 secured their own liberty, but have been the arbiters of the fate of 
 other people. Here, sir, contemplate the triumph of republican 
 governments over the pride of monarchy. I acknowledge, sir, that 
 the necessity of national defence has prevailed in invigorating then- 
 counsels and arms, and has been, in a considerable degree, the means 
 of keeping these honest people together. But, sir, they have had 
 wisdom "enough to keep together and render themselves formidable. 
 
36 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 Their heroism is proverbial. They would heroically fight for their 
 government and their laws. One of the illumined sons of these times 
 would not fight for those objects. Those virtuous and simple people 
 have not a mighty and splendid president, nor enormously expensive 
 navies and armies to support No, sir; those brave republicans have 
 acquired there reputation no less by their undaunted intrepidity, than 
 by the wisdom of their frugal and economical policy. Let us follow 
 their example, and be equally happy. The honorable member advises 
 us to adopt a measure which will destroy our bill of rights; for, after 
 hearing his picture of nations, and his reasons for abandoning all the 
 powers retained to the States by the confederation I am more firmly 
 persuaded of the impropriety of adopting this new plan in its present 
 
 " "We are threatened with danger for the non-payment of the debt 
 now due to France. We have information from an illustrious citizen 
 of Virginia, who is now in Paris, which disproves the suggestions of 
 such danger. This citizen has not been in the airy regions of theoretic 
 speculation : our ambassador is this worthy citizen. The ambassador 
 of the United States of America is not so despised as the honorable 
 gentleman would make us believe. A servant of a republic is as much 
 respected as that of a monarch. The honorable gentleman tells us 
 that hostile fleets are to be sent to make reprisals upon us : our 
 ambassador tells you that the king of France has taken into considera- 
 tion, to enter into commercial regulations on reciprocal terms with us. 
 which will be of peculiar advantage to us. Does this look like 
 hostility ? I might go further ; I might say, not from public authority, 
 but good information, that his opinion is, that you reject this govern- 
 ment. His character and abilities are in the highest estimation ; he is 
 well acquainted, in every respect, with this country ; equally so with 
 the policy of the European nations. This illustrious citizen advises 
 you to reject this government, till it bo amended. * His sentiments 
 coincide entirely with ours. His attachment to, and services done 
 for, this country are well known. At a great distance from us, he 
 remembers and studies our happiness. Living amidst splendor and 
 dissipation, he thinks yet of bills of rights — thinks of those little despised 
 things called maxims Let us follow the sage advice of this common 
 friend of our happiness. It is little usual for nations to send armies 
 to collect debts The house of Bourbon, that great friend of America, 
 will never attack her for the unwilling delay of payment. Give me 
 leave to say that Europe is too much engaged about objects of greater 
 importance to attend to us. On that great theater of the world, the 
 little American matters vanish. Do you believe that the mighty 
 monarch of France, beholding the greatest scenes that ever engaged 
 the attention of a prince of that country, will divert himself from those 
 important objects, and now call for a settlement of accounts with 
 America ? This proceeding is not warranted by good sense. The 
 friendly disposition to us, and the actual situation of France, render 
 the idea of danger from that quarter absurd. Would this countryman 
 of ours be fond of advising us to a measure which he knew to be 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 37 
 
 dangerous— and can it be reasonably supposed, that he can be ignorant 
 of any premeditated hostility against this country? The honorable 
 gentleman may suspect the account: but I will do our friend the 
 justice to say that he would warn us of any dauger from France. 
 
 " Do you suppose the Spanish monarch will risk a contest with the 
 United States, when his feeble colonies are. exposed to them ? Every 
 advance the people here make to the westward, makes him tremble 
 for Mexico and Peru. Despised as we are among ourselves under our 
 present government, we are terrible to that monarchy. If this be not 
 a fact, it is generally said so. 
 
 # * -V #•# * # # 
 
 . " This government is so new that it wants a name. I wish its other 
 novelties were as harmless as this. He told us we had an American 
 dictator in the year 1781. We never had an American Preside >t. In 
 making a dictator we followed the example of the most glorious, 
 magnanimous, and skillful nations. In great dangers this power has 
 been given, Rome had furnished us with an illustrious example. 
 America found a person worthy of that trust ; she looked to Virginia 
 for him. We gave a dictatorial power to hands that used it gloriously 
 and which were rendered more glorious by surrendering it up. Where 
 is there a breed of such dictators 1 Shall we find a set of American 
 Presidents of such a breed? Will the American President come and 
 lay prostrate at the feet of Congress his laurels ? I fear there are few 
 men who can be trusted on that head. The glorious republic of 
 Holland has erected monuments to her warlike intrepidity and valor ; 
 yet she is now totally ruined by a stadtholder, a Dutch president. The 
 destructive wars into which that nation has been plunged have since 
 involved her in ambition. The glorious triumphs of Blenheim and 
 Raraillies were not so conformable to the genius, nor so much to the 
 true interest of the republic, as those numerous and useful canals and 
 dikes, and other objects at which ambition spurns. That republic has, 
 however, by the industry of its inhabitants and policy of its magistrates, 
 suppressed the ill effects of ambition. Notwithstanding two of their 
 provinces have paid nothing, yet I hope the example of Holland will 
 tell us that we can live happily without changing our present despised 
 government. Cannot people be as happy under a mild as under an 
 energetic government ? Cannot content and felicity be enjoyed in a 
 republic as well as in a monarchy, because there are whips, chains, 
 and scourges used in the latter ? If I am not as rich as my neighbor, 
 if I give my mite, my all, republican forbearance will say that it is 
 sufficient. So said the honest confederates of Holland; 'You are 
 poor ; we are rich. We will go on and do better, far better, than be 
 under an oppressive government.' Far better will it be for us to con- 
 tinue as we are, than go under that tight, energetic government. I 
 am persuaded of what the honorable gentleman says, that separate 
 confederacies will ruin us. In my judgment, they are evils never to 
 be thought of till a people are driven by necessity. When he asks my 
 opinion of. consolidation, of one power to reign over America with a 
 strong hand, I will tell him. I am persuaded of the rectitude of my 
 honorable friend's opinion (Mr. Mason), that one government cannot 
 
38 
 
 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 reign over so extensive a country as this is, without absolute despotism. 
 Compared to such a consolidation, small confederacies are little e\ils, 
 though they ought to be recurred to but in case of necessity. Virginia 
 and North Carolina are despised. They could exist separated from 
 the rest of America. Maryland and Vermont were not overrun when 
 out of the confederacy. Thuugh it is not a desirable object, yet. I 
 trust, that on examination it will be found, that Virginia and North 
 Carolina would not be swallowed up in case it was necessary for them 
 to be joined together. 
 
 " I call upon every gentleman here to declare, whether the king of 
 England had any subjects so attached to his family and government — 
 so loyal as we were. But the genius of Virginia called us for liberty; 
 called us from those beloved endearments, which, from long habits, we 
 were taugh* to love and revere. We entertained from our earliest 
 infan -v the ii»jst sincere regard and reverence for the mother coun- 
 try. O.t . partiality extended to a predilection for her customs, habits, 
 manners, and laws. Thus inclined, when the deprivation of our lib- 
 erty was attempted, what did we do I What did the genius of Virginia 
 tell us i 'Sell all and purchase liberty.' This is a .severe conflict. 
 Republican maxims were then esteemed. Those maxims and the 
 genius of Virginia landed you safe on the shore of freedom. On this 
 awful occasion, did you want a federal government ? Did federal ideas 
 possess your minds 1 Did federal ideas lead you to the most splendid 
 victories J ? I must again repeat the favorite idea, that the .genius of 
 Virginia did, and will again lead us to happiness. To obtain the most 
 splendid prize, you did not consolidate. You accomplished the most 
 glorious ends by the assistance of the genius of your country. Men 
 were then taught by that genius that they were fighting for what was 
 most dear to them. View the most affectionate father, the most tender 
 mother, operated on by liberty, nobly stimulating, their sons, their 
 dearest sons, sometimes their only son, to advance to the defense of 
 his country. We have seen sons of Cincinnatus, without splendid 
 magnificence or parade, going, with the genius of their progenitor 
 Cincinnatus to the plow — men who served their country without 
 ruining it ; men who had served it to the destruction of their private 
 patrimonies ; their country owing them amazing amounts, for the pay- 
 ment of which no adequate provision was then made. We have seen 
 such men throw prostrate their arms at your feet. • They did not call 
 for those emoluments which ambition presents to some imaginations 
 The soldiers who were able to command every thing, instead of tram- 
 pling on those laws which they were instituted to defend, most strictly 
 obeyed them. The hands of justice have not been laid on a single 
 American soldier. Bring them into contrast with European veterans 
 — you will see an astonishing superiority over the latter. There has 
 been a strict subordination to the laws. The honorable gentleman's 
 office gave him an opportunity of viewing if the laws were administered 
 so as to prevent riots, routs, and unlawful assemblies. From his then 
 situation, he could have furnished us with the instances in which 
 licentiousness trampled on the laws. 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 39 
 
 " Among all our troubles, we have paid almost to the last shilling, 
 for the sake of justice ; we have paid as well as any state ; I will not 
 say better. To support the general government and our own legisla- 
 ture ; to pay the interest of the public debts, and defray contingencies, 
 we have been heavily taxed. To add to these things, the distresses 
 produced by paper money, and by tobacco contracts, were sufficient to 
 render any people discontented. These, sir, were great temptations ; 
 but in the most severe conflict of misfortunes, this code of laws— this 
 genius, of Virginia, call it what you will, triumphed ever everything. 
 # # # # * *'* # 
 
 " I am constrained, to make a few remarks on the absurdity of adopt- 
 ing this system, and relying on the chance of getting it amended after- 
 ward. When it is confessed to be replete with defects, is it not offer- 
 ing to insult your understandings, to attempt to reason you out of the 
 propriety of rejecting it, till it be amended ? Does it not insult your 
 judgments to tell you — adopt first, and then amend? Is your rage for 
 novelty so great, that you are first to sign and seal, and then to retract ? 
 Is it possible to conceive a greater solecism ? I am at a loss what to 
 say. You agree to bind yourselves hand and foot — for the sake of 
 what ? Of being unbound. You go into a dungeon — for what ? To 
 get out. Is there no danger, wheu you go in, that the bolts of federal 
 authority shall shut you in ? Human nature never will part from 
 power. Look for an example of a voluntary relinquishment of power, 
 from one end of the globe to another — you will find none. Nine-tenths 
 of our fellow-men have been, and are now, depressed by the most in- 
 tolerable slavery, in the different parts of the world ; because the 
 strong hand of power has bolted them in the dungeon of despotism. 
 Eeview the present situation of the nations of Europe, which is pre- 
 tended to be the freest quarter of the globe. Cast your eyes on the 
 countries called free there. Look at the country from which we are 
 descended, I beseech you ; and although we are separated by everlast- 
 ing, insuperable partitions, yet there are some virtuous people there 
 who are friends to human nature and liberty. Look at Britain ; see 
 there the bolts and bars of power ; see bribery and corruption defiling 
 the fairest fabric that ever human nature reared. Can a gentleman 
 who is an Englishman, or who is acquainted with the English history 
 desire to prove these evils ? See the efforts of a man descended from 
 a friend of America : see the efforts of that man, assisted even by the 
 king, to make reforms. But you find the faults too strong to be 
 amended. Nothing but bloody war can alter them. See Ireland ; 
 that country groaned from century to century, without getting their 
 government amended. Previous adoption was the fashion there. 
 They sent for amendments from time to time, but never obtained them, 
 though pressed by the severest oppression, till eighty thousand vol- 
 unteers demanded them sword in hand — till the power of Britain was 
 prostrate ; when the American resistance was crowned with success. 
 Shall we do so? If you judge by the experience of Ireland, you must 
 obtain the amendments as early as possible. But I ask you again, 
 where is the example that a government was amended by those who 
 instituted it ? Where is the instance of the errors of a government 
 rectified by those who adopted them ? 
 
40 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 ' Perhaps I shall be told, that I have gone through the regions of 
 fancy; that I deal in noisy exclamations and mighty professions of 
 patriotism. Gentlemen may retain their opinions ; but 1 look on (hat 
 paper as the most fatal plan that could possibly be conceived to enslave 
 a free people. If such be your rage for novelty, take it and welcome ; 
 but you never shall have my consent. My sentiments may appear ex- 
 travagant, but I can tell you, that a number of my fellow-citizens have 
 kindred sentiments ; and I am anxious, if my country should come into 
 the hands of tyranny, to exculpate myself from being in any degree the 
 cause, and to exert my faculties to the utmost to extricate her. 
 Whether I am gratified or not in my beloved form of government, I 
 consider that the more she is plunged into distress, the more it is my 
 duty to relieve her. Whatever may be the result, I shall wait with 
 patience till the day may come when an opportunity shall offer to exert 
 myself in her cause. 
 
 " But I should be led to take that man for a lunatic, who should tell 
 me to run into the adoption of a government avowedly defective, in 
 hopes of having it amended afterward. Were I about to give away 
 the meanest particle of my own property, I should act with more 
 prudence and discretion. My anxiety and fears are great, lest 
 America, by the adoption of this system, should be cast into a fathom- 
 less abyss." 
 
 Without the whole speeches — and these, lack of space 
 forbids us to give— the reader loses the nice points on both 
 sides ; but he readily perceives the great secret of the effect 
 of the debate, which is the secret of the effect of eloquence 
 always — namely, earnestness. The speakers believe what 
 they say and are endeavoring to impress others with that 
 belief. And this earnestness is called out more strongly 
 by the opposition. Each is master of his subject ; each is 
 earnest in its support j and each uses simple and appropriate 
 language to express his opinions. In fact, we know of 
 nothing better as a foundation of style in speaking — not 
 even the speeches of Demosthenes in the original, than a 
 close study of the debates, poorly as they are reported, 
 of the convention that framed the United States Constitu- 
 tion, or that of any of the states who met to consider the 
 propriety of ratifying it. For to such bodies, in those days, 
 they sent men of brains and culture, and those took their 
 legitimate lead. 
 
 Of course, if the reader of this little work, ever goes to 
 a constitutional convention, or Congress, he will not need, 
 or will not think he needs any hints from us. It is the 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 41 
 
 heaven-inspired privilege of your congressman or legislator 
 to know everything, though, with an astonishing stinginess,- 
 he keeps that knowledge generally pretty closely to him- 
 self. But to the novice, before lie gets to Congress, our 
 instruction may be of some use, and hence we have devoted 
 so much of our space to general principles, and to extracts 
 in illustration 
 
 We have previously spoken of humor, and how danger- 
 ous it is in unpracticed hands. With the skilled speaker it 
 becomes a powerful weapon. Two instances in our con- 
 gressional history occur to us, where the use of sarcasm — 
 for it is this form of humor which is most forcible in debale 
 — had astonishing effect. The first was by the late Thomas 
 Corwin. It was in Congress in 1840. Mr. Crary, of 
 Michigan, in a speech on some particular subject, made a 
 fierce attack upon General Harrison, who was a candidate 
 for the presidency at the time; and in a labored speech 
 endeavored to show that General Harrison was very incom- 
 petent as a military man, and had blundered terribly at the 
 battle of Tippecanoe. Thereupon Corwin replied in an 
 admirable bantering speech, whose irony was so severe that 
 it not only closed Crary's mouth for the time, but drove 
 him from public life altogether. The* second is* more re- 
 cent. There is a bill which proposes to grant a certain 
 amount of public land for the St. Croix railroad — or rather 
 it is proposed to renew the grant in a former bill, which 
 failed to be used in time. The bill has been rejected, but 
 returns again. Last year it made its appearance. Mr. J. 
 Proctor Knott, of Kentucky, was not satisfied with the bill, 
 but did not care to argue seriously upon what he supposed 
 to be a mere attempt to get more of the public domain away 
 from its owners. After speaking in a humorous way con- 
 cerning the St. Croix region, and holding up the friends of 
 the measure and the measure itself to ridicule, he turned to 
 the town of Minnesota which was to be chiefly benefited by 
 the measure, and paid his respects to it, in the following 
 style : 
 
 " Now, sir, I repeat I have been satisfied for years that if there was 
 any portion of the inhabited globe absolutely in a suffering condition 
 for w'anA of a railroad, it was these teeming pine barrens of St. Croix. 
 
42 
 
 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 (Laughter.) At what particular point on that noble stream such a 
 road should be commenced I know was immaterial, and so it seems to 
 have been considered by the draughtsman of this bill. It might be up 
 at the spring or down at the foot-log, or the water-gate, or the fish- 
 dam, or anywhere along the bank, no matter where. (Laughter.) 
 But in what direction it should run, or where it should terminate, 
 were always to my mind questions of the most painful perplexity. I 
 could conceive of no place on ' God's green earth' in such straightened 
 circumstances for railroad facilities as to be likely to desire or willing 
 to accept such a connection. (Laughter.) I know that neither 
 Bayfield nor Superior City would have it, for they both indignantly 
 spurned the munificence of the government when coupled with such 
 ignominious conditions, and let this very same land grant die on their 
 hands years and years ago, ratlier than submit to the degradation of 
 direct communication by railroad with the piney woods of the St. 
 Croix ; and I know that what the enterprising inhabitants of those 
 giant young cities would refuse to take would have few charms for 
 others, whatever their necessities or cupidity might be. (Laughter.) 
 Hence, as 1 have said, sir, I was utterly at a loss to determine where 
 the terminus of this great and indispensable road should be, until I 
 accidentally overheard some gentlemen the "other day mention the 
 name of "Duluth.' (Great laughter.) Duluth. The word fell upon 
 my ear with peculiar and indescribable charm, like the gentle murmur 
 of a low fountain stealing forth in the midst of roses, or the soft sweet 
 accents of an angel's whisper in the bright, joyous dream of sleeping 
 innocence. 
 
 4 ' Duluth! 'Twas the name for which my soul had panted for years, 
 as the hart panteth for the water-brooks! (Renewed laughter ) But 
 where was 1 Duluth? Never, in all my limited reading, had my vision 
 been gladdened by seeing thecelestial word in print. (Laughter.) 
 And 1 felt a profounder humiliation in my ignorance that its dulcet 
 syllables had never before ravished my delighted ear. (Boars of 
 laughter.) I was certain the draughtsman of this bill had never heard 
 of it, or it would have been designated as one of the termini of this 
 road. I asked my friends about it, but they knew nothing of it I 
 rushed to the library and examined all the maps I could find. 
 (Laughter.) I discovered in one of them a delicate, hair-like line, 
 diverging from the Mississippi near a place called Prescott, which I 
 suppose was intended to represent the river St. Croix, but I could 
 nowhere find Duluth ! 
 
 " Nevertheless, I was confident; that it existed somewhere, and that 
 its discovery would constitute the crowning glory of the present 
 century, if not of all modern times. (Laughter.) I knew it was 
 bound to exist in the very nature of things ; that the symmetry and 
 perfection of our planetary system would be incomplete without it, 
 (renewed laughter) ; that the elements of material nature would long 
 since have resolved themselves back into original chaos if there had 
 been such a hiatus in creation as would have resulted from leaving out 
 Duluth. (Roars of laughter.) In fact, sir, I was overwhelmed with 
 the conviction that Duluth not only existed somewhere, but that, 
 
THE IMPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 43 
 
 wherever it was, it was a great and glorious place. I was convinced 
 that the greatest calamity that ever befell the benighted nations of the 
 ancient world was in their having passed away without a knowledge 
 of the actual existence of Duluth ; that their fabled Atlantis, never 
 seen save by the hallowed vision of inspired poesy, was, in fact, but 
 another name for Duluth ; that the golden orchard of the Hesperides 
 w r as but a poetical synonym for the beer gardens in the vicinity of 
 Duluth. (Great laughter.) I was certain that Herodotus had died a 
 miserable death, because in all his travels, and with all his geographical 
 research, he had never heard of Duluth. (Laughter.) I knew that it" 
 the immortal spirit of Homer could look down from another heaven 
 than that created by his own celestial genius, upon the long lines of 
 pilgrims from every nation of the earth to the gushing fountain of 
 poesy opened by the touch of his magic wand ; if he could be permitted 
 to behold the vast assemblage of grand and glorious productions of the 
 lyric art called into being by his own inspired strains, he would weep 
 tears of bitter anguish that, instead of lavishing all the stores of his 
 mighty genius upon the fall of Ilion, it had not been his more blessed 
 lot to crystalize in deathless song the rising glories of Duluth. (Great 
 and continued laughter.) Yet, sir, had it not been for this map, kindly 
 furnished me by the Legislature of Minnesota, I might have gone 
 down to my obscure and humble grave in an agony of despair because 
 I could nowhere find Duluth. (Renewed laughter ) Had such been 
 my melancholy fate, I have no doubt but that, with the last feeble 
 pulsation of my breaking heart, with the last faint exhalation of my 
 fleeting breath, I should have whispered, ' Where is Duluth\?' 
 (Roars of laughter.) But, thanks be to the beneficence of that baud 
 of ministering angels who have their bright abodes in the far-off capital 
 of Minnesota, just as the agony of my anxiety was about to culminate 
 in the frenzy of despair, this blessed map was placed in my hands and 
 as I unfolded it a resplendent scene of ineffable glory opened before me, 
 such as I imagine burst upon the enraptured vision of the wandering 
 peri through the opening gate;* of paradise. (Renewed laughter.) 
 Then, there for the first time, my enchanted eyes rested upon the 
 ravishing word 'Duluth.' 
 
 " This map, sir, is intended, as it appears from its title, to illustrate 
 the position of Duluth in the United States; but if gentlemen will ex- 
 amine it, I think they will concur with me in the opinion that it is far 
 too modest in its pretensions. It not only illustrates the position of 
 Duluth in the United States, but exhibits its relations with all created 
 things. It even goes further than this. It lifts the shadowy veil of 
 futurity and affords us a view of the golden prospects of Duluth far 
 along the dim vista of ages yet to come. 
 
 " If gentlemen will examine it they will find Duluth not only in the 
 center of the map, but represented in the center of a series of con- 
 centric circles one hundred miles apart, and some of them as much as 
 four thousand miles in diameter, embracing alike in their tremendous 
 sweep the fragrant savannas of the sunlit South and the eternal soli- 
 tudes of snow that mantle the ,ice-bound North. (Laughter.) How 
 these circles were produced is perhaps one of those primordial 
 
44 
 
 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 mysteries' that the most skillful puleologists will never be able to ex- 
 plain. (Renewed laughter.) But the fact is, sir, Duluth is pre-' 
 eminently a central place, for I have been told by gentlemen who have 
 been so reckless of their personal safety as to venture away into those 
 awful regions where Duluth is supposed to be, that it is so exactly in 
 the center of the visible universe that the sky comes down at precisely 
 the same distance all around it. (Roars of laughter.) I find by 
 reference to this map that Duluth is situated somewhere near the 
 western end of Lake Superior, but as there is no dot or other mark 
 indicating its exact location, I am unable to say whether it is actually 
 confined to any particular spot, or whether 'it is just lyiug around there 
 loose.' (Renewed laughter.) I really cannot tell whether it is one of 
 those ethereal creations of intellectual frost-work, more intangible than 
 the rose tinted clouds of a summer sunset ; one of those airy exhalations 
 of the speculator's brain which I am told are ever flitting in the form 
 of towns and cities along the lines of railroad built with government 
 subsidies, luring the unwary settler as the mirage of the desert lures 
 the famishing traveler on, and ever on, until it fades away in the 
 darkening horizon, or whether it is a real, bona fide, substantial city, 
 all ' staked off,' with the lots marked with their owners' names like 
 tbat proud commercial metropolis recently discovered on the desirable 
 shores of San Domiugo. (Laughter.) But, however that may be, I 
 am satisfied Duluth is there, or there about, for I see it stated here on 
 this map that it is exactly thirty-nine hundred and ninety miles from 
 Liverpool (laughter), though I have no doubt for the sake of conveni- 
 ence, it will be moved back ten miles, so as to make the distance an 
 even four thousand. (Renewed laughter.) 
 
 " Then, sir. there is the climate of Duluth, unquestionably the most 
 salubrious and delightful to be found anywhere on the Lord's earth. 
 Now, I have always been under the impression, as I presume other 
 gentlemen have, that in the region around Lake Superior, it was cold 
 enough for at least nine months in the year to freeze the smoke-stack 
 off a locomotive. (Great laughter.) But I see it represented on this 
 map that Duluth is situated exactly half way between the latitudes of 
 Paris and Venice, so that gentlemen who have inhaled the exhilarating 
 airs of the one, basked in the golden sunlight of the other may see at a 
 glance that Duluth must be a place of untold delights (laughter), a 
 terrestrial paradise fanned by the palmy zephyrs of an eternal spring, 
 clothed in the gorgeous sheen of ever-blooming flowers, and vocal with 
 the silver melody of nature's choicest songsters. (Laughter ) In fact, 
 sir. since I have seen this map I have no doubt that Byron was vainly 
 endeavoring to convey some faint conceptions of the delicious charms 
 of Duluth when his poetic soul gushed forth in the rippling strains ot 
 that beautiful rhapsody — 
 
 Know ye the land of the cedar and pine, 
 
 Wf'ere the flowers ever blossom, the beams ever shine ; 
 
 Where the light wings of Zephyr, oppressed with perfume, 
 
 "Wax faint o'er the gardens of G-ul in her blooin ; V 
 
 Where the citron and olive are fairest of fruit 
 
 And the voice of the nightingale never is mute ; 
 
 Where the tints of the earth and the hues of the sky, 
 
 In color, though varied, in beauty may vie 1 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 45 
 
 • : As to the commercial resources of Duluth, sir, they are simply 
 illimitable, and inexhaustible, as is shown by this map. 1 see it stated 
 here that there is a vast scope of territory, embracing an area of over 
 
 • ',000,OGO square miles, rich in every element of material wealth and 
 commercial prosperity, all tributary to Duluth. Look at it, sir, (point- 
 ing to the map.) Here are inexhaustible mines of gold, immeasurable 
 veins of silver, impenetrable depths of boundless forest, vast coal 
 treasures, wide extended plains of richest pasturage, all, all embraced 
 in this vast territory, which must, in the very nature of things, empty 
 the untold treasures of its commerce into the lap of Duluth. (Laughter.) 
 Look at it, sir, (pointing to the map) ; do not you see, from these 
 broad, brown lines drawn around this immense territory, that the 
 enterprising inhabitants of Duluth intend some day to inclose it all in 
 one vast corral, so that its commerce will be bound to go there whether 
 it would or not ? (Great laughter.) And here, sir (still pointing to 
 the map), I find, within a convenient distance, the Piegan Indians, 
 which, of all the many accessories to the glory of Duluth I consider by 
 far the most estimable. For, sir, I have been told that when the small- 
 pox breaks out among the women and children of that famous tribe, as 
 it sometimes does, they afford the finest subject in the world for 
 stragetical experiments, and any enterprising military hero who desires 
 to improve himself in the noble art of war (laughter), especially for any 
 lieutenant-general whose 
 
 Trenchant blade Toledo trusty, 
 For want of fighting- has grown rusty, 
 And eats into itself for lack 
 Of somebody to hew and hack. 
 
 (Great laughter.) 
 
 " Sir, the great conflict now raging in the Old World has presented a 
 phenomenon in military operations unprecedented in the annals of 
 mankind, a phenomenon that has reversed all the traditions of the 
 past as it has disappointed all the expectations of the present. A 
 great and warlike people, renowned alike for their skill and valor, have 
 been swept away before the triumphant advance of an inferior foe, 
 like autumn stubble before a hurricane of fire. For aught I know, the 
 next flash of electric fire that shimmers along the ocean cable may tell 
 us that Paris, with every fiber quivering with the agony of impotent 
 despair, writhes beneath the conquering heel of her cursed invader. 
 Ere another moon sha'l wax and wane the brightest star in the galaxy 
 of nations may fall from the zenith of her glory, never to rise again. 
 Ere the modest violets of early spring shall open their beauteous eyes, 
 the genius of civilization may chant the wailing requiem of the proud- 
 est nationality the world has ever seen, as she scatters her withered 
 and tear-moistened lilies o'er the bloody tomb of butchered France. 
 But, sir, I wish to ask if you honestly and candidly believe that the 
 Dutch would have ever overrun the French in that kind of style if 
 Gen. Sheridan had not gone over there and told King William and Von 
 Moltke how he had managed to whip the Piegan Indians/' (Great 
 laughter.) 
 
 (Here the hammer fell.) 
 
46 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 (Many cries, " Go on !" " Go on.") 
 
 The Speaker — " Is there ohjection to the gentleman from Kentucky 
 continuing his remarks ? The Chair hears none. The gentleman will 
 proceed." 
 
 • Mr. Knott — "I was remarking, sir, upon these vast 'wheat fields.' 
 represented on this map in the immediate neighborhood of the buffaloes 
 and the Piegans, and was about to say that the idea of there bein,^ 
 these immense wheat fields in the very heart of a wilderness, hundred's 
 and hundreds of miles bctyond the utmost verge of civilization, may 
 appear to some gentlemen rather incongruous — as rather too great a 
 strain on the 'blankets' of veracity. But, to my mind, there is no 
 difficulty in the matter whatever. The phenomenon is very easily 
 accounted for. It is evident, sir, that the Piegans sowed that wheat 
 there and plowed it in with buffalo bulls. (Great laughter.) Now, sir, 
 this fortunate combination of buffaloes and Piegans, considering their 
 relative positions to each other and to Duluth, as they are arranged on 
 this map, satisfies me that Duluth is destined to be the beef market of 
 the world. 
 
 " Here you will observe, (pointing to the map), are the buffaloes, 
 directly between the Piegans and Duluth, and here, right on the road 
 to Duluth, are the Creeks. Now, sir, when the buffaloes are suffi- 
 ciently fat from grazing on those immense wheat fields, you see it will 
 be the easiest thing in the wwrld for the Piegans to drive them on 
 down, stay all night with their friends, the Creeks, and go into Duluth 
 in the morning. (Great laughter.) I think I see them now, sir, a 
 vast herd of buffaloes, with their heads down, their eyes glaring, their 
 nostrils dilated, their tongues out, and their tails curled over their 
 backs, tearing along toward Duluth, with about a thousand Piegans on 
 their grass -bellied ponies, yelling at their heels! (Great laughter) 
 On they come ! And as they sweep past the Creeks they join in the 
 chase, and the way they all go, yelling, bellowing, ripping and tearing 
 along, amid clouds of dust, until the last buffalo is safely penned in the 
 stock yards of Duluth. (Shouts of laughter.) 
 
 "Sir, I might stand here for hours and hours, and expatiate with 
 rapture upon the gorgeous prospects of Duluth as depicted upon this 
 map. But human life is too short, and the time of this House far too 
 valuable to allow me to linger longer upon- the delightful theme. 
 (Laughter.) I think every gentleman on this floor is as well satisfied 
 as I am that Duluth is destined to become the commercial metropolis 
 of the universe, and that this road should be built at once I am fully 
 persuaded that no patriotic representative of the American people, 
 who has a proper appreciation of the associated glories of Duluth and 
 the St. Croix, will hesitate a moment to say that every able-bodied 
 female in the land between the ages of eighteen and forty-five who is 
 in favor of ' women's rights ' should be drafted and set to work upon 
 this great work without delay. (Koars of laughter ) Nevertheless, 
 sir, it grieves my very soul to be compelled to say that I cannot vote 
 for the grant of lands provided for in this bill. 
 
 "Ah! sir, you can have no conception of the poignancy of my 
 anguish that I am deprived of the blessed privilege! (Laughter.) 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAK ES 47 
 
 There are two insuperable obstacles in the way. In the first place, 
 my constituents, for whom I am acting here, have no more interest in 
 this road than they have in the great question of culinary taste now, 
 perhaps, agitating the public mind of Dominica, as to whether the 
 illustrious commissioners who recently left this capital for that free 
 and enlightened republic would be better fricasseed, boiled or roasted 
 (great laughter) ; and, in the second place, these lands which I am 
 asked to give away, alas, are not mine to bestow ! My relation to 
 them is simply that of trustee to an express trust. And shall I ever 
 betray that trust ? Never, sir! Eather perish Duluth! (Shouts of 
 laughter.) Perish the paragon of cities ! Rather let the freezing 
 cyclones of the bleak n )rthwest bury it forever beneath the eddying 
 sands of the St. Croix !" (Great laughter.) 
 
 PART IV.-OF SPEECH-MAKING IN GENERAL. 
 
 HAVING given the reader some idea of tae three 
 kinds of speeches mostly in vogue — for the set, or 
 written oration, is confined now-a-days to the lecture-room 
 or pulpit — we close by a chapter of detailed instruction. 
 
 No man should speak in public unless he have some- 
 thing to say, and a purpose to serve thereby. Nor should 
 he speak unless he can say that something properly. Nor 
 should he continue to speak after he has exhausted his 
 subject. We therefore consider, first, the matter of the 
 speech, secondly, the manner of the speech, and thirdly, the 
 end of the speech. 
 
 First, then, of the matter. There must be ideas, and one 
 leading idea around which the rest should be grouped. 
 This should be introduced by a brief exordium j and should 
 be properly insisted on and sustained, but never entirely 
 lost sight of. You speak to a certain end, whatever the 
 subject, or whenever you speak. Let that be kept in mind 
 from first to last. But do not attempt to do too much. It 
 you are making a speech in opposition to a certain political . 
 policy, do not endeavor to expose all the errors of your 
 opponents. Select the one which is most recent in public 
 report; or most likely to arouse popular prejudice; or is 
 of itself most enormous. Having presented its wrong in as 
 terse language as possible, endeavor to show that it is not 
 
48 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER 
 
 so much due to the wickedness of your opponents as to the 
 inherent tendency of the system of public policy which they 
 support. Nothing is lost by attributing good motives to 
 your opponents. The hearer thinks you to be generous and 
 frank, which predisposes him to give you a fair hearing. 
 Then take up more particularly that part of their policy 
 t onnected with the particular subject under discussion. So 
 soon as you have made a strong point, and you see it has 
 told on the audience, do not weaken it by elaboration, but 
 go to another portion of the subject, or, if you find you have 
 made an effective hit, close without dvlay. If you are dis- 
 cussing a subject with others, you may proceed a little 
 • differently. If they have made any points that are apt to 
 tell against your position, notice them after you have made 
 your own points, but do not be seduced to consider them 
 solely, or to devote too much time to their refutation, other- 
 wise you will be forced into the defensive, which is always 
 disadvantageous. 
 
 Study to use the plainest and simplest words and phrases. 
 "We do not mean by this that you should, in avoiding long 
 and ponderous words, fall into the error of using " slang n 
 expressions ; but that you should take in preference words 
 of Saxon or Celtic rather than of Latin or Greek origin. 
 Say that the house was " burned," and not that it ''fell 
 before the devouring elements ;" say that, the man was 
 ' hanged," and not that he " suffered death by strangula- 
 tion f say " milk " and not " the lacteal fluid ,? — in short, 
 use such words and phrases as are understood by the most 
 uncultured, and j T ou will not injure yourself in the estima- 
 tion of the learned. Otherwise, though you may astonish 
 the ignorant, you will be laughed at by people of common 
 sense, who are greater in number than some people suppose. 
 While we insist on using not only the simplest words, but 
 the fewest necessary to convey a meaning properly, we do 
 not advise that brevity should be carried to the extent of 
 barrenness. The use of words to an end is very much like 
 the use of money. It may ba extravagant to expend 
 very little, and economical to spend very much. As that 
 is the best use of money which gets what we want for the 
 least expenditure, we use words best, when we just use 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 49 
 
 enough to convey our meaning clearly and elegantly, and 
 no more. 
 
 Avoid quotations, unless they enforce a point, but above 
 all keep clear of classical quotations, and scraps of foreign 
 or dead languages. In a body composed of thoroughly- 
 educated men you may air your learning a little, but not 
 before a miscellaneous audience. If you do quote, however, 
 see that it suits the time, and be not lugged in to show your 
 memory. 
 
 Figures of rhetoric should be sparingly used, and some of 
 them with more particular caution. Those most apt to be 
 used by the inexperienced orator, are simile, metaphor, 
 apostrophe and ecphonesis. Simile and metaphor differ in 
 this — simile compares things, and metaphor identifies them. 
 The latter is the more powerful, and in general preferable. 
 " He is bold as a lion " — there is simile ; u he is a lion," — 
 that is metaphor. Either, howevg.*, should be sparingly 
 employed, and should come naturally out of the manage- 
 ment of the subject, and not be dragged in. 
 
 Apostrophe and ecphonesis differ in this — that apostrophe 
 is an address to something or some one connected with the 
 subject under consideration, while ecphonesis is a sudden 
 exclamation, expressing some kind of emotion springing 
 from the main subject. The latter is a very commonly 
 used figure, and as it diverts the attention of the hearer 
 from the main subject, its excess should be guarded against. 
 
 Antithesis is a figure of great value. By contrasting 
 things or qualities directly opposite, it produces frequently 
 a striking effect. One of the most remarkable specimens 
 of antithesis, is to be found in one of the speeches of the 
 celebrated Irish orator, Phillips, in which he speaks of the 
 elder Napoleon as follows: 
 
 *' Flung into life in the midst of a revolution that quickened every 
 energy of a people who acknowledged no superior, he commenced his 
 course, a stranger by birth, and a scholar by charity With no friend 
 but his sword, and no fortune but his talents, he rushed in the list 
 where rank, and wealth, and genius had arrayed themselves, and 
 competition fled from him, as from the glance of destiny. 
 
 " He knew no motive but interest; acknowledged no criterion but 
 success ; he worshipped no God but ambition, and with an eastern 
 devotion, he knelt at the shrine of his idolatry. Subsidiary to this, 
 
50 THE IMPROMPTU" SPEAKER. 
 
 there was no creed that he did not profess, there was no opinion that 
 he did not promulgate ; in the hope of a dynasty, he upheld the 
 crescent; for the sake of a divorce, ha bowed before the cross; the 
 orphan of St. Louis, he became the adopted child of the republic ; aid 
 with a parricidal ingratitude, on the ruins of both the throne and the 
 tribune, he reared the throne of his despotism. A professed Catholic, 
 he imprisoned the Pope ; a pretended patriot, he impoverished the 
 country ; and in the name of Brutus, he grappled without remorse, aud 
 wore without shame, the diadem of the Caesars. 
 
 " The whole continent trembled at beholding the audacity of his 
 designs, aud the miracle of their execution. Skepticism bowed to the 
 prodigies of his performance; romance assumed the air of history; 
 nor was there aught too incredible for belief, or too fanciful for ex- 
 pectation, when the world saw a subaltern of Corsica waving his 
 imperial flag over her most ancient capitals. All the visions of antiquity 
 became common-place in his contemplation ; kings were his people ; 
 nations were his outposts ; and he disposed of courts, and crowns, and 
 camps, and churches, and cabinets, as if they were the titular digni- 
 taries of the chess-board ! Amid all these changes he stood immutable 
 as adamant. It mattered little whether in the field, or in the drawing- 
 room; with the mob, or the levee ; wearing the. Jacobin bonnet, or the 
 iron crown ; banishing a Braganza, or espousing a Hapsburg; dicta- 
 ting peace on a raft to the Czar of Russia, or contemplating defeat at 
 the gallows of Leipsig. he was still the same military despot. 
 
 '• In this wonderful combination his affectations of literature must 
 not be omitted. The jailer of the press, he affected the patronage of* 
 letters ; the proscriber of books, he encouraged philosophy ; the 
 persecutor of authors, and the murderer of printers, he yet pretended 
 to the protection of learning ; the assassin of Palm, the silencer of De 
 S ael, and the denouncer of Kotzebue ; he was t'>e friend of David, 
 the benefactor of De Lille, and sent his academic prize to the 
 philosopher of England. 
 
 '• Such a medley of contradictions, and, at the same time, such an 
 individual consistency, were never united in the same character. A 
 Royalist, a Republican, a id an emperor ; a Mohammedan : a Catholic, 
 and a patron of the synagogue ; a subaltern and a sovereign : a traitor 
 and a tyrant; a Christian and an infidel: he was, through all his 
 vicissitudes, the same srern, impatient, inflexible original ; the same 
 mysterious, incomprehensible self; the man without a model, uad 
 without a shadow." 
 
 Climax is a figure of great force, by which the speaker 
 commences at the lowest or weakest, and gradually ascends 
 to the highest or strongest points. But it is after all a 
 story within a story ; for a speech itself should he a cLmax, 
 commencing with the weakest and closing at the strongest 
 point. 
 
 '• Time was, indeed, when the princes of a royal house, on returning 
 from the chase, fired at the slaters at work on the house-tops of Paris, 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER 51 
 
 and laughed to see them fall. Time was when kings made battues of 
 their unhappy subjects, and power coerced panting poverty fill it stood 
 hopelessly atbay or lay down in despair to die. Bat to-day all that 
 has changed. The chase still goes on ; now poverty coerces power. 
 The hunters have become the hunted, and the game is- royal." — 
 Thomas Dunn English. 
 
 Personification, by which we give abstract matters or 
 inanimate things a distinct personality, is often effectively 
 introduced. In his speech in opposition 'to war measures, 
 Josiah Quincy made a very fine use of this figure. He 
 said: 
 
 '•An embargo liberty was never cradled in Massachusetts Oar 
 liberty was not so much a mountain, as a sea nymph. She was free 
 as air. She could swim, or she could ran. The ocean was her 
 cradle. Oar fathers met her as she came, like the goddess of beauty, 
 from the waves. They caught her as she was sporting on the beach. 
 They courted her whilst ehe was spreading her nets upon the rocks- 
 Bat an embargo liberty : a handcuffed liberty ; a liberty in fetters ; a 
 liberty traversing between the four sides of a pri-on and beating her 
 head against the walls, is none of our offspring. We abjure the 
 monster. Its parentage is all inland." 
 
 These, and other figures of speech, are more to be spurned 
 than employed, if the novice desires to make an effective 
 speaker. He will be apt to think them^ine, but this is an 
 error. Even if excellent of themselves, they are apt to 
 divert the mind of the auditors from the main question. 
 Hence the best orators use them sparingly j and in any 
 business speeches, never. In the latter, indeed, he is most 
 effective who makes a plain statement, and occupies as 
 , little time as possible in doing it. The young and tin- 
 practiced orator does not make his speech, however, so much 
 to gain a point, as to make a display. He is apt to think 
 he has succeeded when some sally of his provokes laughter 
 or wins applause. The practiced orator knows better ; and 
 is far better pleased if he obtain a close and earnest 
 attention from his auditors. Hence he avoids mere display, 
 and strives to give epigrammatic force to his sentences, and 
 to condense as much as possible. 
 
 It is true that the style employed is to be modified a 
 deal by the subject matter. In an oration on a set subject 
 — in a lecture — in a sermon — or in a literary address, the 
 style should be more ornate ; and in a dinner-speech more 
 
52 THE IMPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 playful than in a business speech. But nowhere should the 
 ornament be cumbrous or excessive. It ceases to be orna- 
 ment when it makes up the main matter. And elegance 
 may be had with the most sparing use of rhetorical figures, 
 or without them at all. 
 
 We recollect once attending the meeting of a council in 
 a country town, where a proposal to pave the main street 
 was under consideration. ' One member was in favor of 
 using cobble-stones for the purpose, and delivered quite a 
 long speech to show that this was the cheapest in the end, 
 that it would require less repair than other modes, and 
 would give the village quite a city -like appearance. His 
 remarks made some impression, though they rather tired 
 both the council, aud the townsfolk who were listening to, 
 and interested in, the discussion. A quiet member, who 
 rarely spoke arose and answered him, substantially, and in 
 some part of our report, exactly, thus : 
 
 "Mr. Chairman: I have listened with proper attention to the 
 gentleman who has just sat down, and have weighed well all he has 
 said. I differ with him, and prefer that we should macadamize the 
 main street, for very plain reasons. The first cost of a. thorough 
 macadamization is not* only less, but it will be cheaper in the end. 
 Whether you cover the surface with broken stone, or with sand and 
 cobble stones, the surface must be properly graded in either instance 
 to receive this protecting coat. Thus far the cost is the same. Then 
 begins the difference. The gentleman admits that to haul the gravel 
 and to place the cobble-stones properly will cost more than to cover 
 the surface with eighteen inches Of finely-broken stone. He thinks 
 that the cobble-stone pavement would remain immovable, while the 
 macadamized surface would fall into ruts. Tf he will go to any city he 
 will discover that in a few months, more or less according to the 
 traffic, the cobble-stone pavement changes from its level to a succession 
 of hills and hollows ; that the gravel in which the stones are bedded 
 retains moisture, and is acted on by frost which heaves the stones 
 above more or less out of place. Repairs are costly. They require 
 not only a resetting of the stone, but a readjustment of the gravel. The 
 macadamized road, if made as it ought to be, of small stones with 
 sharp edges, and without a mixture of gravel or clay, so that it will 
 bend by pressure, and pack into a natural drain from the surface, is 
 not upheaved by the frost ; and any ruts that are formed can be easily 
 repaired with a few pecks of stones, if properly watched. As to the 
 final reason in favor of cobble-stones, that it will give ' a city air ' to 
 the main street, I presume this is meant as a sly bit of sarcasm, and 
 is not to be taken seriously. But if the gentleman be really in earnest, 
 I hope he will recall to his mind that we are not a city, and will not 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 53 
 
 become so by putting on a city air ; and that he will remember the 
 fate of* the unlucky frog who undertook to swell to the size of an ox, 
 and came to great grief in the attempt." 
 
 The council decided against the cobble-stones. 
 
 The main points of an effective speech are clearness 
 of idea, precision of statement, simplicity of language, 
 methodical arrangement, and a style of handling that hits 
 the subject. 
 
 And, next, as to the manner of delivering the speech. 
 We have already spoken about the attitude of the body, 
 which should be free, natural and unconstrained ; and about 
 the avoidance of mechanical gesture. Some persons stand 
 as immovable as stone posts, which is bad, but bad as it is, 
 it is infinitely better than the trick of others who sway 
 themselves violently back and forth, or use their arms as 
 though they were the handles of a force-pump or the sails 
 of a wind-mill. 
 
 We again call attention to distinctness of enunciation. 
 Every word, syllable and sound, should be plainly articu- 
 lated. While the voice should take the colloquial tone, 
 the words should not be clipped, nor the sound of one run into 
 the sound of another. This is an imperative rule, and can 
 not be too much insisted on. In order to easily obey it, 
 it is better to practice the vocal sounds, and repeat the 
 labials, or lip sounds, dentals or teeth sounds, palatal or 
 palate sounds and Unguals, or tongue sounds, first separ- 
 ately and then in the words wherein they predominate. 
 This done, the words wherein the dentals and Unguals come 
 together, and finally those in which the nasal sounds join 
 the rest, should be practiced sedulously. Words termina- 
 ting in st, or t'st, or d'st, if not perfectly pronounced annoy 
 the ear, and often embarrass the speaker who feels his 
 failure to give them in their full force. 
 
 The management of the voice requires careful study. 
 Where the speech is narrative, or the statement of premises, 
 the tone is that of ordinary conversation. Where the 
 speaker warms with his subject, and becomes animated, the 
 voice rises ; if he touches upon a pathetic subject, the voice 
 at the more affecting parts, sinks. If he indulges in humor, 
 he gives the funny point with an expected quickness j if he 
 
54 THE IMPROiTPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 rises to the sublime, the voice takes on* a monotone. In- 
 flections and emphasis mast be attended to, and closely 
 studied. Inflection is nothing more than the change of 
 tone — if it begin in a low tone, and end in a higher, that is 
 called the rising inflection ; and if it begin in a high tone and 
 end in a lower tone, that is the failing inflection. A 
 question is given with a rising, and an answer with falling 
 inflection. The only rule as to inflections which it is 
 requisite to follow closely is to let them come from your 
 own earnestness, and they will be natural, and so effective. 
 Emphasis, which is the dwelling upon particular words, aud 
 not the mere uttering them in a louder tone — you may be 
 emphatic in a whisper — is to be carefully attended to. A 
 false emphasis might alter your entire meaning. Thus to 
 say — tl She does not love me," infers that I am loved by 
 others but not by her — the emphasis on she really brings me 
 prominently forward ; but to say — "She does not love 
 ■me, ,} intimates that she loves some one else, aud makes her 
 the principal figure in the word-picture. 
 
 Tlie great necessity of a young speaker is confidence, and 
 oblivousness to the audience. How often you hear two 
 well-informed men disputing on some topic, oblivious of the 
 fact that you are listening. Observe with what animation 
 and energy they make their points ! Notice how natural 
 are their tones, how correct their inflections, #nd how grace- 
 ful their gestures ! Their language is simple, refined, 
 appropriate and forcible. But introduce thirty or forty 
 people who shall sit down and listen in grave silence to this 
 discussion. Notice how the spirits of the disputants sink ; 
 how their tones of voice change ; how irregular are the inflec- 
 tions, how uncertain the emphasis; what stiffness replaces 
 the elegant gestures, and what embarrassment succeeds the 
 ease of manner ! The first requisite then for the student 
 of oratory is to learn to consider that he is engaged either 
 in a discussion with a friend, or in talking to some member 
 of his family. To do this more efiectually, he should use a 
 colloquial tone of voice, and a familiar manner j should 
 make na attempts at graceful gestures, or mere physical 
 eloquence, but accustom himself to facing a crowd. He 
 will find great help in this by looking at the farthest quiet 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 55 
 
 individual before him, and addressing him solely, keeping 
 his eye on that one alone. 
 
 Practice speaking wherever yon can. Do not disdain 
 the debating society. The subjects chosen for discussion 
 there are generally absurd, or at least trivial ; but the 
 practice is everything. Write out your views on any 
 popular topic, and when you have done this, read it over 
 again and again, prune it of all superfluous words 5. cut out 
 all adjectives not absolutely necessary ; read it over again 
 and again ; declaim it in your chamber, and then— r raake 
 lamplighters out of the manuscript. If you expect to or 
 are desirous of making a speech on any subject, or arc likely 
 to be called to discuss it, read everything upon that subject 
 you can find. Pore over, think over it in all its aspects, 
 read both sides. You can not have too much knowledge. 
 Knowledge aids you in matter — practice in manner. Read 
 the speeches of Patrick Henry, the Randolphs, John Adams, 
 Tristram Burgess (except his early ones), Josiah Quincy, 
 Livingston, Clinton, Clay, Calhoun, Webster, Dallas, 
 Douglass, Wise, Breckenridge, Wendell Phillips and 
 Thaddeus Stevens in this country; and Chatham, Canning, 
 Fox, Pitt, Curran, Burke, Grattan, Philips, Cobden, 
 Brougham, Peel, Bright, Palmerston, Disraeli and Glad- 
 stone in England. Practice the vocal sounds, so as to 
 obtain a distinct articulation. Make yourself master of 
 your art by patient toil, abandoning the false notion that 
 eloquence is a matter of inspiration. You may meet with 
 some mortifications 5 but if you persevere you will be able 
 to speak whenever called on, not only to your own satis- 
 faction but to the pleasure of your auditors, and if you do 
 not become the perfect orator, it lies in your power to be 
 an elegant and effective public speaker. 
 
 And, finally, as to the end of the speech. When you 
 have come to an end— .Stop ! 
 
56 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 PART V.-PRESENTATION SPEECHES SPECIALLY. 
 
 
 THIS chapter is a wheel "within a wheel, and has been 
 written after all the rest was in type. It is virtually 
 a supplement — the result of an after suggestion ; and, no 
 matter where the publisher may put it, should be placed 
 as an appendix. 
 
 An experienced friend, after reading the rest of the manus- 
 script, said : " Your little work is very practical in the main, 
 and calculated to be serviceable, unless the reader be a 
 noodle ; but — " 
 
 As he stopped here, and looked as wise as an owl, we 
 inquired what followed the u but/' 
 
 Said he, with the confidence of an oracle : " You should 
 have devoted a chapter to Presentation Speeches. True, 
 the man who reads your little treatise carefully, and digests 
 the matter therein ought to be able to say what he has to 
 say acceptably at least Ten to one, if he be the unhappy 
 fellow who is to present something to some one on behalf of 
 some others, or the unhappy fellow who is to get it, he 
 won't. Give% few examples at least, of how the thing 
 ought to be done — models for imitation." 
 
 Now that is the very t hing we have avoided all through 
 the book. We could cite some specimens to -show how the 
 thing has been done at times; but they are not models. 
 
 We remember one. A silver goblet was to be given to 
 a civic gentleman, by a number of admirers in his ward. 
 The night of presentation came, and brought with it the 
 donors, the donee, the goblet, and a basket of champagne. 
 
 After a moderate refreshment there was a dead pause. 
 Then the chairman of the committee cleared his throat, and 
 the auditors- breathlessly awaited the burst of eloquence 
 from the silver-tongued orator. He struck an attitude — • 
 one arm thrust backward, the other extended and rather 
 drooping — the exact position of an old-fashioned pump. 
 Then he spoke : 
 
 " Alderman, that's the mug !" 
 
 The recipient advanced, took the goblet by the shank, 
 
 56 
 
THE IMPKOMPTTT SPEAKER 57 
 
 satisfied himself of its probable weight, set it down again, 
 and replied in a timid way : 
 
 " Is that them ? Thank you. Gentlemen, let's imbibe." 
 
 And they imbibed. 
 
 We remember another. Here a watch was to be given 
 another ward politician. The orator of the evening, com- 
 menced with a slight historical sketch of the various in- 
 struments, used for measuring and recording time — spoke of 
 the dial of Ahaz, of the clepsydra, of ancient clocks, of the 
 masterpiece at Strasburg, of " Nuremberg eggs," of wooden 
 clocks, of escapements, of cylinders, of movements in 
 general — a most cyclopedic summary of facts. From this 
 he entered on a disquisition upon the value of time. Then 
 he pounced upon the party to whom it was to be given, upon 
 whom he pronounced a panegyric, and after a soul-stirring 
 allusion to that variegated piece of bunting poetically known 
 as the Star-Spangled Banner, and a passing reference to 
 that mythical fowl usually called the American Eagle, 
 wound up his hour and a quarter's work by handing over 
 the chronometer. Then the donee began, and after occupy- 
 ing a half hour in explaining the emotions that agitated his 
 manly bosom, pronounced a solemn vow that the watch 
 would go down to his heirs as an evidence, &c. We pre- 
 sume that promise was kept — at least, about a year after- 
 ward, the party being then out of office and impecunious, 
 it went to his "uncle's " as an evidence that he had effected 
 a loan of fifty dollars on it. 
 
 On second thoughts we remember one more speech that 
 was a very fair model in its way, and % it was by a man who 
 never had made a speech before in his life, but who achieved 
 a social reputation of an enviable kind by that single 
 effort. 
 
 The pupils of a well-known writing-master, at the close 
 of the session, were so well pleased with the care taken by 
 their teacher, that they subscribed and purchased for him 
 a gold pen — a very neat affair, with a gold handle, studded 
 With small diamonds. It cost twenty-five dollars — the 
 share of each pupil being only about fifty cents. The class 
 was made up mainly of clerks and workingmen ; and they 
 
58 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 selected as their spokesman a young carpenter. In the 
 middle of the last lesson, the incipient orator, pen in hand, 
 rapped loudly on his desk. The teacher, who was engaged 
 in examining the copy of one of the pupils, looked up in 
 amaze. 
 
 " Mr. ." 
 
 " Well f" said the teacher inquiringly. 
 
 " Your pupils here" have planned a little surprise for you, and they 
 hope it will be a pleasant one. They have obtained this pen, and have 
 commissioned me to present it to you in their name. In their behalf 
 I request you to accept it. not only as an acknowledgment of the care 
 you have bestowed on their instruction in penmanship, but as a token 
 of the good will they bear you, and as an evidence of how much they 
 . appreciate your good temper, conscientiousness and the many other 
 good qualities they have found you to possess. Although it is a very 
 good pen, and a rather fine piece of workmanship, we expect you to 
 prize it less for its intrinsic value, than for the proof it gives you, that 
 where you thought you had only found fifty pupils, you find you have 
 made fifty friends." 
 
 The writing master was taken aback. The secret had 
 been well kept, and he was thoroughly surprised. He 
 stammered, hesitated, and at last said : 
 
 " Well, gentlemen, I aeeept it in the same spirit that it was offered, 
 and you may believe that 1 prize it very much. I am surprised, I am 
 a good deal more — I am delighted. It is not the first time that I have 
 received tokens like this from my pupils; but it always leaked out before, 
 and I was quite ready. This time I'm caught unprepared ; but I can 
 tell you that I am grateful in spite of the little embarrassment — not only 
 for the gift, which is something : but for the kind words, which are 
 more. I can shape letters better than- 1 can utter words; but if I 
 have fifty friends here, and I know I have, each of the fifty has a warm 
 friend in me, and—" 
 
 Here he broke down, and they gave him three cheers ; 
 and the whole affair wound up with a hand-shaking, and a 
 good time generally. 
 
 The great point of a presentation speech is the avoidance 
 of extraneous matter. The next most essential point is 
 that the words shall have an extempore air, and be cordial 
 but not too familiar, have no. formality and yet not be 
 flippant, and show feeling without any mock sentiment. 
 
 It is quite common among parishioners now-a-days, when 
 a clergyman has been rather over-worked, to give him 
 leave of absence to travel, either to Europe or elsewhere; 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 59 
 
 and the wealthiest of his congregation in that case make 
 up a purse to defray his traveling expenses. This is 
 usually presented at a vestry or committee meeting, or at 
 the parsonage, or rectory. As the clergyman is the head 
 of the spiritual family, the members of hi^ parochial charge 
 approach him with more external marks of respect than 
 ward politicians bestow on their leader. Thus the spokes- 
 man may say : 
 
 " Beverend and dear sir : Your parishioners are sorry to part with 
 you, even for a brief time, and mors sorry that your health, broken 
 down in the service cf our Divine Master, and in your ministering to 
 the spiritual needs of your flock, requires change of air and scene to 
 restore it. We desire to see you back amotig us as you were, ready 
 to enter with renewed vigor on your labors. In order that- your mini 
 may be free from any anxiety about pecuniary matters, and you may 
 thus derive the most unalloyed pleasure from your travels, a few of 
 your parishioners have taken the liberty of making up a small purse 
 for your use. We know of no reason why your children in the i'aith 
 should not take care of the mere physical wants of their spiritual 
 father, and we ask you to accept this, as some token of the esteem and 
 reverence we bear for you ; and with it to carry away our warm 
 hopes for a pleasant voyage and a joyous return." 
 
 Or he may say, more briefly : 
 
 "■ Reverend and dear sir : We regret to lose you even for a time 
 from our midst, but as we know you have been overworked of late, 
 and require a slight vacation, we bear our parting as an unpleasant 
 necessity. You must not go too scantily provided with means, and we 
 expect you to permit us to discharge some part of our many debts to 
 you, by this slight contribution which I am directed to place in your 
 hands. The ties which join us are so tender and intimate, and yoa 
 have been so completely the head of our spiritual household, that we 
 claim it as our right to give, and your duty to accept, this little mark 
 of our friendship and veneration." 
 
 Or, more briefly still : 
 
 " If you must leave us, brother , you must not go on your 
 
 journey too scantily provided. Pray add this mite to your means of 
 travel, and when you visit the scenes where our Lord lived and suffer- 
 ed, remember pleasantly and affectionately your children in the faith 
 whose hearts go forth with you in all your wanderings." 
 
 A recent convention of the editors of New York state 
 was marked by a pleasant little presentation episode, Mr. 
 A. O. Bunnell, of the Dansville Advertiser, being the re- 
 cipient of a handsome cane, a compliment from his editorial 
 
60 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 brethren. Mr. MacArthur, the spokesman, in the words 
 of the Watertown Daily Times, "then stepped forward and 
 confronted Mr. Bunnell with a weapon in his hand which 
 looked suspiciously like a cane." 
 He proceeded to speak as follows : 
 
 " Sir, I am happy that it is my pleasant duty to address the hand- 
 somest man in the state. I am delighted, sir, that to me is deputed 
 the duty of caning you on this occasion ; and while I am not very 
 strong in eloquence and power, I feel that I am able to cane you. 
 You have discharged the duties of your position far more ably than 
 any other member of our association could have done, and I certainly 
 know that your hand-writing is a great improvement on Horace 
 Greeley's. I assure you, sir, that the editorial association, of which 
 you have been so long an ornament, feel that in presenting this cane 
 to you, they but feebly acknowledge what you have done for them. 
 Sir, I assure you that this is a gold-headed cane My only grief in 
 parting with it is that gold is very scarce in our profession, and we 
 wish to hold on to it as long as possible. Sir, I will not prolong these 
 remarks. I am happy to be permitted to present this to you. I hope 
 it will be many years before you find it necessary to rely upon this as 
 your chief staff of life." 
 
 Mr. Bunnell replied in the following manner: 
 " Mr. MacArthur and brethren of the Association, I do not know 
 what to say to-night. Your confidence in my integrity and ability, 
 which has been expressed year after year, by re-electing me to a 
 position responsible, and sometimes delicate, has touched my heart 
 very tenderly. I wish I had better deserved this testimonial. But 
 this renewed and intensified expression of your esteem has taken me 
 by storm. This whole affair, this scene about me to-night seems like 
 a wonderful dream of fairyland, and I know of but one way to account 
 for it. One of the finest writers of the English language has said that 
 ' the world is curved round about with heaven. Its great, blue arches 
 bend low on every hand ; and how one can get out of the world with- 
 out getting into heaven is, to us, a physical mystery.' It seems to me 
 that somehow I have got out of the world and got into heaven ; and 
 as an editor I never expected to get into heaven, I don't know what 
 to do or say now that I am there. Gentlemen, I can only thank you 
 for this beautiful and costly testimonial, and I hope I may be better 
 worthy of it than I have been in the past." 
 
 Social gifts are usually attended with a little speech- 
 making, for the family and its friends require something oi 
 the kind, as a concession to the general love of gab. This 
 should have even less farm than the parochial or the politi- 
 cal gift speech. Thus at a wedding-breakfast, the uncle 
 of the bride may desire to give her a watch. He seizes the 
 
THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 61 
 
 opportunity after the guests have broken the edge of 
 appetite, to interpose in the first lull of chat, by a direct 
 address to the bride : 
 
 " My dear Mrs. — —r." 
 
 Of course, the lady starts at the mention of her new 
 name, and looks up, blushing and all that. 
 
 " My dear Mrs. : You are about to set out on two journeys, 
 
 one, a marriage-tour, which will end in a short time, and the other, 
 marriage, which only ends with the life of one of you. In all journeys, 
 if you want to get along smoothly, you must be promptly, as the rail- 
 road people say — ' on time.' To be on time, you must have a faithful 
 watch. I believe you have a rather good one, but here is one that I 
 think to be better. Be kind enough to take it, with the good wishes 
 of your uncle, and all of your friends ; and remember that though you 
 owe your first duty and your supremest love to your husband, your 
 new condition has not separated you from your old connections, but 
 merely introduced another into our family. God bless you, my dear 
 child, and give you and your husband many and happy years." 
 
 Fire-engine companies, militia organizations, and benevo- 
 lent societies have their little presentations to make, and 
 they are often puzzled how to get through the ceremonies 
 properly. It is rather difficult to get up any eloquence 
 over a silver speaking-trumpet, and even the subject of a 
 sword has been so worn out. that anything novel is out of 
 the question. But the speaker should remember that the 
 thing presented has nothing to do with the talk. It is only 
 necessary that it should be appropriate. To give a soldier 
 a gold pen, or present a peaceable little tailor with a 
 Toledo blade, would be impertinent,, at least. It is the 
 motive of the gift, and the feelings which prompt the givers, 
 with which the speaker has to deal. 
 
 If the speaker is troubled as to matter, let him think on 
 'the golden word " brevity." If he take the fire-trumpet in 
 one hand, and the hand of the recipient in the other, and 
 say: 
 
 "My dear sir: Your fellow-members, who are also your personal 
 friends, have commissioned me to present you this trumpet, as a mark 
 of their respect for your efficiency as a fireman, and of their friend- 
 ship for you as a man," 
 
 — he will do very well. If he chooses to add : 
 
 " It is a very pleasant duty to fulfill, I assure you ; for I share all 
 their feelings to the very utmost," 
 
62 THE MPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 — or words to that effect, he may with propriety 5 but he 
 had belter stop with the first set. 
 
 Frequently at school exhibitions, where books, or other 
 testimonials, are given to pupils who have distinguished 
 themselves by scholarship or deportment, or both, these 
 are accompanied by a little speech This speech, which 
 covers all the gifts, is mostly of the namby-pamby, goody- 
 goody style, and neither pleases the audience nor satisfies 
 the boys, which last are better judges of oratory than their 
 elders are apt to think. The usual style is to say : 
 
 " Master Jacky Goodboy : Your assiduity in the acquisition of know- 
 ledge and your uniformly correct deportment during the period of 
 scholastic duties, has rendered this acknowledgment — " 
 
 And so on, ad nauseam. Jacky takes the book and goes 
 down, with a wink, to his comrades, which, in the language 
 of Winkland, means — " What an old pump l v 
 
 It would be much better to say to him : 
 
 " John Goodboy : This book, which I hope will interest and amuse 
 you. is presented to you because you luive been attentive to your 
 studies, and have behaved yourself in school properly. Continue the 
 same industry and good manners during life, and you will no doubt be 
 a successful man — at all events, .you will never have occasion to 
 reproach yourself with idleness or bad manners, and that is a kind of 
 success in itself." 
 
 Or the speaker may say simply : 
 
 " This book is given you as an acknowledgment of your attention 
 to your lessons and your good behavior during school hours. Take it, 
 with the good wishes of your teacher." 
 
 And this last form expresses everything. "" The boys will 
 understand it, and respect the teacher, and then the Wink- 
 land dialect may be translated — " Ain't he a nice old fel- 
 low P 
 
 In the matter of sword presentations, as a general thing, 
 some practiced speech-maker is chosen to do the talking. 
 Where this is not the case, the task is by no means difficult, 
 if the general rule referred to is borne in mind Say as 
 little about the weapon as possible.. Allude slightly to 
 war. Make ne reference to turning the blade into a prun- 
 ing hook. Let the Roman Mars and the Greek Ares re- 
 main in their respective mythologies. If the gift arise 
 
THE IMPKOHPTU SPEAKEB. 65 
 
 from mere good-feeling and admiration, say so ; if because 
 the recipient has distinguished himself on some martial 
 occasion, say that. "In fact, the object of the speech is to 
 show that you give the sword from personal feeling, or 
 from a sense of duty ; and the words should express the 
 object plainly, and no more. 
 Thus, in the first instance : 
 
 . " Colonel : You have now been in command of this regiment 
 
 long enough for your subalterns and the rank and file, to appreciate 
 fully your particular attention to your duties ; your interest in the 
 prosperity of the force, and your peculiar fitness for command. They 
 desire you to accept this sword, whose blade is without a flaw and 
 has a matchless temper, and I give it in their name, with the hope 
 that you will not only prize it from its beauty and serviceable qualities, 
 but as one of the proofs that all under your command have learned the 
 fact that a good officer may preserve the most rigid discipline, and 
 yet retain the respect, esteem and warm affection of all his officers and 
 men." 
 
 Or, in the second instance : 
 
 " Captain : You may be modest enough not to recall to your 
 
 mind the day at (here name the battle,) when you led the charge so 
 effectively on the enemy's line. But our memory is more active ; and 
 as your old comrades and friends, we present you with this sword, to 
 show somewhat our appreciation of your gallantry and worth. Take 
 it. 'We hope you may never have occasion to use it — for as we have 
 been in battle, we know that war is a duty at times, to be fulfilled 
 when it comes, but never to be sought for. . But should the occasion 
 arise when this blade has to be used, we commit it to you with the 
 ■full confidence that you will not draw it without cause, but when once 
 drawn you will not sheath it until the glitter of its blade has lit the 
 way to triumph." 
 
 This last sentence has a rather warm figure, only to be 
 used if there be plenty of champagne about. It might be 
 better to say : 
 
 " And will not then sheath it till the occasion for its use has past." 
 
 But this depends a good deal on the quantity and nature 
 of the liquor lying about loose. 
 
 And talking of liquor, reminds us of another kind of 
 presentation — the gift of a water-buqket, to a temperance 
 advocate which it befell us once to have to speak for. It 
 was a very small bucket of silver — about three inches by 
 four, meant as a butter-dish ; but the idea* of the gift was 
 
64 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 
 
 not ours, and others are responsible for the incongruity. 
 As near as we remember the speech was thus : 
 
 " Doctor A : A number of your friends, and friends of the 
 
 cause, have requested me to act as their spokesman on this occasion. 
 They ask me to present to you in their name this token of their ad- 
 miration for your personal good qualities, and for the efficient and 
 earnest way you have so long advocated the principles of total ab- 
 stinence. It is, you see, a water-bucket, and so small as to seem 
 almost a satire on those who advocate large draughts of cold water. 
 But the truth is, while to the external glance it is a water-bucket, to 
 the internal view it is a butter-dish. The cold water is to be outside 
 and not in. Thus you see that the article is to represent the two 
 most potent agents in the total abstinence reformation — the pump and 
 the cow. There is a hidden meaning in it, I fancy. You are a 
 bachelor — more shame to you. You have no wife, or you wouldn't 
 love any but her, and a butter-dish is appropriate enough. And the 
 shape conveys our wishes for your long life. You may kick at vice, 
 kick at intemperance, kick at all the excesses that disfigure and des- 
 troy society ; but out of sheer regard for the proprieties of life you 
 can't kick at a thing given to you with the warmest feelings of friend- 
 ship, and therefore cannot kick the bucket." 
 
 There was nothing but cold water about, but from the 
 uproar that followed, a bummer who was listening outside 
 was heard to exclaim : " There's them teetotalers agoin' it 
 — they're drunk again ! " 
 
HANDBOOK 0? VENTRILOQUISM. 
 
 This little work, though only recently published, has mel 
 with an extensive sale, and the testimony of readers and 
 the press fully sustains our claim that it is the best treatis* 
 on the subject that has been published. In all previous 
 publications purporting to treat this subject, there has beer 
 really very little practical information given ; and though 
 perhaps in some cases readable enough, the main object 
 which the purchaser desired, instruction in the art, was not 
 attained. The instructions in the present volume are very 
 plain and minute, founded on common sense, and by theii 
 aid any one with patience and practise may become a ven- 
 triloquist, as the learner, after a few lessons, is able to ex 
 ercise this power in some measure. The course of study 
 and practice is by no means disagreeable or tiresome. The 
 book also gives instructions for making 
 
 THE MAGIC WHISTLE, 
 
 A little instrument easily made, at no cost, for imitating 
 birds, animals, insects, and quite a number of other amusing 
 imitations. Considerable practice is required to enable one 
 to use the whistle satisfactorily. The entertainment to be 
 derived from it, however, wMl amply repay the labor. 
 
 " It is really a valuable aid to those desirous of acquiring 
 the art, and the instructions and explanations are so simple 
 And explicit that there is no difficulty in understanding 
 »hem. It is prepared with much more care than we should 
 ?xpectin such a low-priced work, and makes a handy 
 
 pocket companion.' " — Boston Wide World. 
 
 _ " This little manual contains simple and explicit instruc- 
 tions for acquiring the art of ventriloquism. Couched in 
 language which a child can understand, the rules are so 
 few and so easy that a little practice will enable any one to 
 produce the most wonderful vocal illusions." — New York 
 Atlas. 
 
 " The author appears to have labored faithfully to explain 
 the mysteries of the art, and to initiate the learner therein." 
 —Yankee Blade. 
 
 This, and all other works in our list, will be 
 post paid on receipt of price. 
 
 Price Fifteen Cents. 
 
SECRETS WORTH KNOWING. 
 
 A COMPLETE HAND-BOOK *>F USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. 
 
 Contains innumerable receipts for the rant •ufaclure of all kinds of useful articles, 
 fncludiug Patent Medicines, Perfumery, UUii Oils, Pomatums, Dyes, Restoratives, 
 Powders, Wasbes, Cements for filling Teeth, Cosmetics, Toilet Articles, CommoD 
 and Fancy Soaps, Popular Beverages, including a large number of delicious ones 
 just suited to tbe hot weather, healthful and cheap ; Candies of all kinds, including 
 all the new and popular kinds ; Recipes for Housekeepers, Hundreds of Cseful Ar 
 titles which are needed in every household, and a largo number of articles thai 
 can be manufactured and sold at a good proac. Tn:s is no cheap trash, like many 
 works that have been issued, but a carefully-compiled volume of 100 pages, i Q 
 neat form for preservation. It will be fouml of great value for refcrenco, as you 
 ;an find recipes on almost every subject on which you desire to be posted. Price, 
 only 25 cents. A single receipt may prove worth the entire cost of the woik. 
 
 The value of this book may be judged from the fact that single recipes contained 
 therein are sold at from 25 cents to $5, and in some instances even more. Thou- 
 sands of persons are making money by 4he manufacture of articles, recipes for 
 which will be found in this buok : witness the success of Spalding's Glue, the 
 various roofing cements, indc'.libla inks, cordials, and the innumerable article! 
 which everybody needs and will buy, and which can be manufactured and sold at 
 a good profit. We have no wish to exaggerate — we do not offer any one a " fortune 
 for 25 cents" — but we do offer to tell our readers how things can be made at small 
 expense, which are selling every day in all parts of the country for five or ten 
 times their original cost. A man of our acquaintance in this city is making several 
 thousand dollars a year by making Lemon tyrup. " Secrets Worth Knowing" will 
 tell you how to make it. We might multiply instances, but have not room. 
 
 "Secrets Worth Knowing." — A neat and well-printed brochure of some 100 
 pages, with this title is before us. It is a receipt book, but occupies a field some- 
 what different from any other work. Though cooking receipts are given they 
 form but a small portion of tho contents. Receipts, in the discretion of the pur- 
 chaser, are given for almost every imaginable article, from patent or non-profes- 
 sional medicines to liquid glue, and no doubt large profits could be realized by any 
 one from the manufacture of many articles here enumerated. The receipts for 
 wine-making will do much to aid in substituting harmless home-made beverages 
 for poisonous " doctored" liquors. It is a good book for reference, beinj evident- 
 ly prepared in good faith, and should be in the hands of all interested in its sub- 
 ject matter. Haney & Co., of this city, publish it. — New Yorker. 
 
 " Secrets Worth Knowing." — We have received this popular band-book of uni- 
 versal knowledge. It contains over 2,000 valuable receipts. It is also a reliable 
 guide for the preparation of all Y\nds of medicine. The remarkable cheapness ol 
 the work places it within the reach of all. Price, 25 cents. Wm. D. Hess has it 
 for sale. — Columbia (Pcnn.) Apy. 
 
 " Secrets Worth Knowing." — A pamphlet with this title, containing over 2,000 
 recipes for articles in various branches of manufacture, some of them extremely 
 valuable, all afforded for the low price of 25 cents, has been published hv J. C 
 Haney & Co., 1 9 Nassau street, N. Y. — Brooklyn Daily Union. 
 
 * * * It contains over 2,000 receipts for making everything that one can con- 
 ceive of. It seems to be prepared with great care, and is believed to be reliable. 
 —T.'pelM State Record. 
 
 " Secrets Worth Knowing"— Containing over 2,000 valuable receipts for the 
 manufacture of articles of every -day use, and a reliable guide for the preparation 
 of all the popular Patent Medicines of the day. — Orlean limes. 
 
 * * * The book should be in the possession of every one. — Manhcim Sentinel. 
 
 jjty The book can be had or any Bookseller or Newsdealer, or we will send a 
 copy, post-paid, to any address, for 25 cents. 
 
 Dealers will find it a quick-selling work. Trade supplied by all wholesale 1 
 Wholesale and retail cash orders wiH be attended to promptly. 
 
THE TAXIDERMIST'S MANUAL, 
 
 A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION AT GREATLY 
 REDUCED PRICE. 
 
 THE Taxidf.rmisi 's Manual has for many 
 years been a standard guide for the Col- 
 lection, Preparation and Preservation of 
 specimens of. Birds, Animals, Reptiles, 
 &c, not only in England, where it lias 
 reached its 20th edition, but in this coun- 
 try also, where imported copies have 
 sold largely at a high price. Frequent 
 calls have induced us to prepare a care- 
 fully revised edition, which, while con- 
 taining all the matter of the English work 
 excepting that of purely foreign interest, 
 should also give such additional informa- 
 tion as should adapt it specially to the 
 requirements of this country- 
 THE TAXIDEI'MIST'S MANUAL, in our new and improved edition will be 
 found a full and accurate guide to best methods and latest improvements 
 in everything relating to collecting, preparing, mounting, and preserving 
 specimens of Birds. Animals, Reptiles, Insects, adapted to the comprehen- 
 sion and wants of Amateurs, however inexperienced, while also sufficiently 
 elaborate to be a valuable assistant to even the most expert. Many inter- 
 esting and valuable specimens are lost, which, by aid of this work might 
 have been preserved. Any boy or girl could preserve deceased pets. 
 Even specimens of little scientific value readily bring remunerative prices 
 for parlor ornaments, affording instructive, interesting and profitable em- 
 ployment for leisure hours. 
 
 Kemember, our edition of the TAXIDRRMfST's Manual contains much im- 
 portant matter not to be found in the English work ; is lavishly illustrated 
 with fine engravings and full pa°re plates, and is issued in neat and attrac 
 tive form at less than one half the price of the English edition. 
 
 PRICE ONLY FIFTY CENTS. 
 
 NEW CHEAr BOOK OF ALPHABETS. 
 
 FOR SIGN PAINTERS, DRAUGHTSMEN, &c. 
 
 This volume is designed to meet the want of a cheap and handy collection 
 of Alphabets suitable for all ordinary purposes. While confessedly iuierior 
 in some respects to the very expensive works, yet it has some points of 
 superiority over even these, and notwithstanding i ts low price lias become 
 a standard work of reference in tli3 trade. Encouraged by the favorable 
 reception of our fust edition we have issued a new, carefully revised, and 
 greatly extended one which is proving even more popular. Accurate 
 copies of all standard styles of lettering, and a great variety of ornamental 
 styles are included, embracing late novelties just coming into notice. The 
 book is designed as an aid in all classes of work from the simplest to the 
 most elaborate. Some alphabets are inserted for special benefit of 
 draughtsmen and designers. 
 
 PRICE FIFTY CENTS. 
 
Good Books for Self-Improvement. 
 
 SEIiF CURE of STAMMERING and STUTTERING. 
 
 Gives a clear and full explanation of the most successful modes ot 
 treatment, and enables the stammerer to cure himself without surgical 
 operation or machinery, and without cost. 25 cents. 
 
 Self-Cure of Debility, Consumption, Dyspepsia, 
 Nervous Diseases, &c. 
 
 This book is issued in response to an urgent demand. It tells the 
 real nature of many things which have been grossly misrepresented by 
 unprincipled medical pietenders, enabling the patient himself to as- 
 certain his real condition, to distinguish between the important and 
 the unimportant "symptoms," aud to escape the extortions of quacks, 
 and to cure himself by simple means, within reach of all without any 
 expense. The need of a reliable book of this kind, while lying and 
 vulgar pamphlets are scattered in millions by quacks, is evident. Our 
 book is simple in language, explicit in all directions, and founded on 
 the very soundest medical science. The means of treatment are always 
 safe, avoiding all the dangers of empirical tampering and proprietary 
 "nostrums.'' and are the most approved and successful of the regular 
 faculty. They are the surest, safest, speediest, simplest and most 
 thorough means of cure that are known. 75 cents. 
 
 RAPID RECKONING. 
 
 Asystem of performing arithmetical calculations with almost instan- 
 taneous quickness. This system was the key to the wonderful perfor- 
 mances of the "Lightning Calculator," whose exhibitions were the 
 marvel of thousands. He sold the secret at §1 per copy. Our book is 
 much enlarged, with many interesting additions. Any one can learn 
 and practice. Valuable to bookkeepers, teachers, students and all 
 business men. 35 cents. 
 
 IMPROVEMENT OF MEMORY. 
 
 Shows how to make a bad memory good anda good memory better; 
 the system enabling all to strengthen their memories and often display 
 a power which is surprising. 1 5 cents. 
 
 EMPLOYMENT SEEKERS' GUIDE. 
 
 Designed to present the advantages and disadvantages of various 
 trades and professons, advice on investing money, starting in business, 
 obtaining employment, qualifications necessary for different pnrposes, 
 deceptive undertakings, comparative value ot different schemes for 
 money making, and much useful and interesting matter, especially 
 valuable to the young and inexperienced, enabling them to make best 
 use of their abilities and avoid snares of sharpers and quicksands of 
 business. 35 cents. In press. 
 
A GREAT TREAT FOR THE BOYS. 
 
 LIFE. AND ADVENTURES OF 
 
 Houdin the Conjuror, 
 
 WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. 
 
 This book gives in most charming style the wonderful, amusing and 
 startling history of the most famous conjuror the world has ever known. 
 Shows how the great French magician got his .first lessons when a boy, 
 his experiences as aa amateur, his eventful life "on the road," his 
 strange haps and mishaps, his marvelous feats, his expositions of the 
 arts and secrets of other performers as well as his own candid laying 
 bare of his own affairs, his famous magical contests with the renowned 
 Arabian jugglers, how he defeated their arts and ^overpowered them 
 with his own astounding tricks, and a vast fund of interesting matter, 
 delightfully narrated, and holding the reader spell-bound from begin- 
 ning to end. More fascinating than fiction — one of the few books which 
 cnn be read over and over again with undiminishing interest. A book 
 which no praise can give an .adequate idea of— it must be read to be 
 truly appreciated and every reader will be an enthusiastic admirer, 
 not only of Houdin's wonderful exploits but also of his admirable 
 manner of narrating them. A rare" treat which no one should miss. 
 
 We are happy to announce an excellent translation from the French, 
 in one large octavo volume, liberally illustrated with new and hand- 
 some engravings, from designs by the favorite artist, Mr, Frank 
 Beard. Price only Fifty cents. 
 
 Let those now laugh who never laughed before, 
 And those who always laughed now langh the more. 
 
 RUN EVERLASTING. 
 
 A mammoth collection of the very best original and selected comic 
 stories, jokes, witticisms, puns, funny yarns, laughable adventures, 
 burlesques, and a general melange of jolly, rollicking good humor, 
 with over one hundred humorous illustrations by the best artists. 
 Notwithstanding its large size and its very superior character, we 
 furnish it for only 15 cents. 
 
 SPIRIT MYSTERIES EXPOSED. 
 
 A full and clear exposition of all the marvelous feats of the Daven- 
 port Brothers, Hume, and all "mediums," secret history of "spirit 
 rapping," how to produce all the "manifestations," and a vast amount 
 of remarkably curious, amusing and^nteresting matter. All so plainly 
 told that any one may practice. The book is eagerly read, and edi- 
 tion after edition is called for to supply the demand. With illustrative 
 engravings, only fifteen cents. 
 
HANEY'S AR T OF TRAININ G ANIMALS. 
 
 This book is a complete .guide, the otily one full}- aad 
 specially- treating tlie subject, aud givs flora mformatitm 
 about the training of aninals in single diopters than*other 
 entire hooks. Has the "^host approved method.- of the 
 most celebrated and successful trainers, thoroughly in- 
 itiating the reader into all tlie secrets of the profession, 
 exposing various bogus "charms," &c, sold to the cred- 
 ulous at high prices, and telling, in fact, everything connected with the art <f 
 breaking, taming, and training all animals, Uesieles containing a vast amount 
 of information which will be cf real interest and value to farmers andolhers. it is 
 full of attraction for boys. It not only explains how all the marvelous feats dis- 
 played by trained animals at public exhibitions arc taught, but shows how 
 many amusing and surprising tricks may be taught by any boy to dogs,p< nies 
 or other pets. One gentleman writes us that his boys have organized quite an 
 interesting amateur circus w th their pet animals, who have been taught many 
 of the best tricks by following its instructions, and he proposes getting them a 
 little tent. 
 
 " Horses firing off pistols, answering questions by nodding or shaking their 
 heads, dancing dogs and bears, performing canary birds and fleas, and the like, 
 are 'some pumpkins,' but bow about those wonderful dogs who play dominoes ; 
 eelect from a heap any article therein they are ordered to, and give it 1o any 
 person named ; dogs who s^ell words by selecting lettered cards, or answer 
 questions, tell your age or your fortune by the same means? Or the monkeys 
 who enact little dramas, personating the characters in a manner to shame many 
 of their human compeers? Or seals who play the hand-organ ? Fortunately 
 for the excited juvenile community, a certain Mr. Haney has come to the rescue 
 with a fall exposition of the Art of Training Animals, explaining these aid 
 hundreds of other feats, to the infinite joy of every boy who can now convert 
 his own pets into a cbeus troupe at :i cost about equal to a single admission to 
 the 'big tent.'" — X. Y. Evening Express. 
 
 "•There is scarcely an animal which has escaped our author's clutches, and 
 he has certainly presented a vast amount of interesting information touching 
 their character and tuition. Isot only are the ordinary feats of the circus ex- 
 plained, but the most intricate tricks exhibited by some few renowned 'stars ' 
 anionic animal performers." — Turf, Field, and Farm. 
 
 " Tlie performances of trained animals have always been_painful rather than 
 ir'eresting to us, from the thought of the amount of suffering necessary to bring 
 it about. The author of this book, however, tells us how to Irain or "pet dogs, 
 cats, horses etc., to very wonderful feats at only the expense of a little patience 
 and skill.''— Little Corporal. Chicago. 
 
 "Even those who do not seek it for its information will find it agreeable to 
 read." — Providence Press. 
 
 " A large variety of information, truly, to be embodied in a single book at so 
 small a price." — New England Fanner. 
 
 "The raising and training of pets is a pleasurable occupation, and one that 
 we would like to see encouraged among our farmers' boys." — Prairie Farmer. 
 
 "Mingles with its clear directions a number of pleasant incidental facts, 
 plensantiv told." — N. Y. Day Book. 
 ." Furnishes very entertaining reading." — Phila Daily Ledger. 
 
 "Will entertain* both old and young." — Advance. 
 
 " We have to thank Mr. Haney for many facts regarding- ammals beyond + he 
 mere trainer's province, which it is interesting to knew." — Boston Am. Union. 
 
 210 Pages. 60 Illustrations. Paper Covers 50 cts.; Boards, 75cts.; Cloih$l. 
 
 For sale by bookseller? generally, or sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 
 price. 
 
HUNTING, TRAPPING, and FISHING 
 Made Easy. — New. reliable, ami gives more mat- 
 ter tlian any dollar book, double amount of any 25ct 
 book, including preparation and use of bait, traps. &.O., 
 all modes of preserving and preparing skins and fur*, 
 and much other practical and valuable information — 
 just what is wanted. Price lower than any other; none 
 , (even at $2 or $5) more reliable ; none at less than $1 
 as reliable and complete. Examine at any bookstore 
 »od prove. Only 20 cts. of booksellers or by maiL 
 JESSE Hi^NEY & CO., 119 Nassau St., tf . Y. 
 
 Tn^ Aim of this little book is to furnish a cheap and reliable 
 handbook on the subjects of Hunting, Trapping, Fishing, and 
 the preparation of Skins and Furs, with such other informa- 
 tion on kindred subjects as shall be useful to the reader, 
 whether he proposes to follow our instructions as a source ol 
 profit or merely for amusement. It is not pretended that this 
 little volume gives everything of interest or value — no one book 
 has ever done so, even among those costing from three to five 
 dollars. Our book will, perhaps, be more serviceable in the 
 majority of cases than even these costly works, because just 
 the information most universally desired — the cream, we may 
 say, of the bulky volumes. 
 
 YVhile these elaborate treatises answer the demands of luxu- 
 rious readers, and those desiring complete libraries, there is 
 an urgent want of a cheap and reliable work devoted to the 
 practical branches of these subjects. It is simple truth to say 
 that this w r ant has never been supplied. Mere loic price is not 
 "cheapness," and if an instruction book cannot be relied on 
 it is dear even as a gift. That no reliable book of this kind 
 has heretofore been published at less than one dollar is to be 
 easily ascertained by any one who cares to devote the money 
 to purchase, and the time to examine, the various things adver- 
 tised. The most pretentious of these seems to have secured 
 all the unreliable recipes floating around, the very ones most 
 highly extolled in the book are certain "charms" exposed 
 long ago in Haney's Journal, and known by all competent to 
 judge to be just the contrary to what is claimed for them in 
 this " guide." The concoctor of that collection we can only 
 acquit of deliberate falsehood and fraud, by supposing him too 
 ignorant to be aware of their real character. We believe in 
 addition to their worthlessness, that, in nearly every state, 
 their use will subject the credulous victim not only to heavy 
 fine but a probable s< jotirn in prison. Whatever is good in the 
 book ia certainly not original, and is better obtained in its ori- 
 ginal sources. 
 
ART OF TRAININ8 ANIMALS;, 
 
 A complete guide for amateur or professional trainers, explaining the most 
 approved methods of the most celebrated and eucoessf ul trainee a, thoroughly 
 initiating the reader into ail the secrets of the profession, exposing varioua 
 bogus ^charms," &c, sold to the credulous at high prices, aad tellin?, in 
 facts everything connected with the art of breaking, taming, and training all 
 hinds of animals. It includes a new and improved method oi horse aud colt 
 breaking, selection of horses, management of farm animals, watch and sport- 
 ing dogs, and a complete, system of teaching all Circus Tricks. Besides all 
 these, it has a chapter on Snake Charming, chapters on Singing, Talking, and 
 Performing Birds, including information which is alone worth the price of 
 the book to any bird owner. 
 
 An Idea of the book may be gleaned from the following partial synopsis of a 
 few oft -ie chapters : 
 
 Horse Taming and Horse Training. — How to' manage a horse, conquering 
 vicious and breaking wild horses, kindness and firmness, curing stubborn 
 disposition, the tamers tools, to teach a horse to stop, to teaca a horo to back, 
 to make a horse follow you, to stand without holding, whip training, to drive 
 without bit or bridl^ io cure bilky horses, to prevent harnessed horses run- 
 ning away, to instantly stop a runaway horse. 
 
 Trick Horses. — Appliances used in teaching tricks, to teach ahorse to sit up, 
 to kick at command, to answer questions, to jump, to stand erect, to " pirou- 
 ette," pe .estil feat, to kiss, to fetch and carry, to find hidden articles, to select 
 chosen card, to fire pistol, to dance, to eat at table, to play hand-organ, to 
 feign lameness, to walk over you, &c 
 
 Performing Dogs. — Simple tricks and training, to teach him hi3 name, to leap, 
 to walk erect, to dance, to jump rope, to sit and lie down at command, to 
 beg, to give his paw, to sneeze, to speak for it, to fetch and carry, to bring you 
 his tail in Irs month, to stand on a bill and roll it up and down a plank, to 
 walk on stilts, to go up and down a ladder, to stand on his head and walk on 
 fore legs, to "sing," lamp of sugar trick, to f j ign death. 
 
 Wonderful Feats of Dogs. — Celebrated canine performers of the world, to 
 teach dog's the alphabet, to select from a number of articles any article called 
 for, to place any article in any place directed, or give it to any designated per- 
 Bon, to eat any article of food and leave any other, as he may be ordered, to 
 play dominoes, " Munito" and " Mile. Bianca," their wonderful performan- 
 ces, how they were really achieved, tricks of exhibitors, as well as tricks of per- 
 formers, real education vs. clever deception, full details of training, canine 
 actors. m r 
 
 And over twenty other chapters. Gives more information about training 
 animals in a single chapter than any other entire work. It w cram full of stories 
 and anecdotes about celebrated performing animals, and is a most interesting 
 and readable book, even to those who care little for the mere secrets asd in- 
 structions. Over 200 large 12mo. pages, aad over 60 illustrations. Only 
 50 cen ts in paper covers, and $1.00 in cloth binding. 
 
 Just published, and may be had of all booksellers, or by mail, post-paid, on 
 receipt of price. Tiade supplied by News Companies and wholesale houses. 
 JESSE HAJVEY Si CO., 119 Nassau St., New Yorlc. 
 
 *' Every man who owns an animal, from a horse to a canary bird, sbP'-ld have 
 a copy. It will teach him more in a week than he could learn in a '•.lo-time with- 
 out it. . . .No more acceptable book could be put into the hands .,» boys wbo Jive 
 
 in tho country It will at ence take its place as astandaru work . . . Wa do not 
 
 know ot a book better worth tha price asked for it.''— New York Evening Press. 
 
 «■ It seems to be a guide not only toteaching the more intelligent of the dumb 
 beasts good tricks, but also of breaking them of bad ones." — Prov Morn.Herald. 
 ' It is highly spoken ot by tbose capable of judging. ■"' — Chicago Eve. Journal. 
 
 " Will commend itself to most readers interested in animals." — Boston Even- 
 ing Traveler. 
 
 •' The anecdotes are quite amusing, and will entertain both old and young."— 
 Advance, Chicago. 
 
 « The general method recommended is reasonable."— Brooklyn Daily Eagle. 
 ' ' A more complete manual of tna art of ammal training than this would be 
 difficult to imagine."— N. Y. Evening Express. 
 
 * ' The teachings are very clear, and the illustrations numerous, leaving nothing 
 in the dark." — American Union. *^ 
 
 11 With all its precision, it is by no means a purely didactic work, but mifegies 
 With its clear directions a number of pleasant facts, pleasantly told.''— Day Book, 
 
 '* The courses commended must end in success.'*— Flag of Our Union, 
 
Slow Horses Made Fast and Fast Horses Made Faster.— 
 
 System of increasing speed to which Dexter owes his supremacy, with much useful 
 information for ail horsemen. Endorsed by Robert Bonner, Esq. SO ct» 
 
 College Scrapes.— The best expose of college life and college fun ever 
 issued. A rare treat full of queer aud amusing incidents, jollies* book out, with many 
 comic illustrations, '*> cta - 
 
 Houdin the Conjuror.— His remarkable life, amusing and startling 
 
 adventures and marvelous feats. Large octavo, illustrated. / 50 cts 
 
 Taxidermist's Manual.— A complete and practical guide to collect- 
 ing, preparing and preserving all kinds of birds, animals, insects, reptiles &c. 50 ots. 
 * Fun Everlasting-.— A mammoth collection of the very best original 
 and selected comic stories, jokes, witticisms, puns, funny yarns, laughable adventures, 
 burlesques, and a general melange of jolly rollicking good humor, with over one 
 hundred humorous illustrations by celebrated artisis. We believe no one can fail to be 
 well pleased and enjoy many a hearty laugh over its endless fund of amuse- 
 ment. IS cts 
 
 Book of Advertised Wonders.— A collection of the various arts, 
 
 seerets, money making schemes, "patent" rights, recipes, &c, of all kinds and 
 qualities sold by traveling speculators and l>y newspaper and circular adverisers, 
 embracing much that is really valuable, much that is worthless, and much that is 
 fraudulent; with notes explanatory of the real character of each, which will save 
 costly fees to speculators aud in many cases waste of time and material. Collected aj 
 an expense of over $250. 100 pages. 50 cts. 
 
 Self Cure of Stammering*. — Not an advertising pamphlet but a 
 concise and plain exposure of the most approved and successful methods of Self Treat' 
 ments, with exposure of empirical and dangerous devices. . 25 cts. 
 
 Self Cure of Debility, Consumption, Dyspepsia, Nervous- 
 ness, <fcc. — Advertises no doctor or medicine, but gives plain, instructions for self cure 
 by simple means within reach of all which will cost nothing, and are the surest, safest, 
 and quickest methods of cure. Dangers of advertised modes of treatment, quack nos- 
 trums, &c, are pointed out. ft? eta 
 
 Sign, Carriage and Decorative Painting-. — An entirely new 
 
 practical work, giving full and plain instructions in these and kindred branches ; only 
 book treating FJIESCO. This book is entirely distinct from our "Painter's Manual," by 
 a different author, and is designed especially for those who wish a book treating sped' 
 ally the subjects of Sign, Carriage and Decorative Painting. It is believed it will prove 
 as popular and useful with those persons as has our " Painter's Manual " with the pro- 
 fession in general. Illustrated. 50 cts 
 
 Soap-Makers' Manual. — Plain and practical guide for the manufao 
 
 ture of plain and fancy soaps, hard and soft soaps, washing fluids, medicinal soaps, etc. 
 for the guidance of families and manufacturers. Has exposures of the adulterations 
 practiced, and illustrations of most approved machinery for those desiring to operate me- 
 dium sized works. Has best American, English, French and German formulas. 25 cts 
 
 Handbook of Dominoes. — Gives full instruction* in all games with 
 
 Dominoes, including new and popular Foreign ones. IS eta. 
 
 Horse Shoers' Manual. — Includes preparation of foot, choice of 
 
 shoes and their preparation, fitting, filing, nails and nailing, shoeing with leather, cut- 
 ting, removing, etc. Plain and practical, with numerous engravings; also includ03 You- 
 att's Treatise on Diseases pf the Horse's Foot. 25 eta 
 
 Home Recreations, or How to Amuse the Young- Folks. — 
 
 Designed to afford fresh and agreeable entertainment for juvenile parties, holidays, and 
 the home circle. Illustrated. 25 cts 
 
 Spirit Mysteries Exposed. — A complete and plain exposition 
 
 of all the marvelous feats of the "spirit rappers" and "mediums," Davenports, 
 Hume, &c. So fully laid bare that any one can perform. Illustrated. 15 cts. 
 
 Book of Alphabets. — For use of Painters, Sign-writers, Draughts- 
 men, &c. SO eta 
 
 "Watchmakers' and Jewelers' Manual. — Latest and most ap- 
 proved methods and secrets of the trade, embracing watch and clock cleaning and repair- 
 ing, tempering in all its grades, making tools, compounding metals, soldering, plating, 
 etc, with plain instructions for beginners, etc. 25 cts 
 
 ISP" For sale by booksellers generally, or sent by mail, postage paid, on. receipt of 
 marked price. 
 
 JESSE HANEY & CO., 119 Nassau Street, New York. 
 
v20U ADVERTISED INFORMATION FOP 50 COHtS 1 
 
 By means of circulars and newspaper advertisements a thriving business is done 
 in selling recipes, rights to make or use wonderful discoveries, ard various secrets, 
 &c. Some of them are good, some worthless, some fraudulent. Many invest a few 
 shillings or dollars out of mere curiosity or in hopes < f money making or gaining 
 knowledge. We have collected at cost of over $250 all the prominent of these ad- 
 vertised things. Their sellers we find have no exclusive right to them, so we pro- 
 pose to give our $350 worth to the public in a neat little book which we call the 
 
 BOOK OF ADVERTISED WONDERS. 
 
 This gives the good, bad and indifferent, but with comments explaining the real 
 character of each. The following list will give an idea of the contents: 
 
 It tells you how to make vinegar in ten hours from molasses, sorghum cider, <fcc, 
 without drugs or chemicals; American gin without any distillation at 16 cts. per 
 pint ; Premium mead ; Ale without malt or hops ; Cure for asthma ; Imitation cog- 
 niac brandy equal to finest French genuine; Glycerine cement; Chinese art of 
 dwarfing trees; How to raise the vinegar plant; Bee-keeper's secret for securing 
 fertilization of young queens by any drones desired ; How to secure nearly double 
 the usual product in artificial fish raising; Chemical paint, durable and odorless, 
 of any color, without oil ; Great water-proof varnish for boots and shoes; Kapno- 
 phyte, the new departure in fertilizers ; Great art of chemicalizing manure; Great 
 vegetable remedy for burns, scalds, &c. ; Food for mocking birds ; Death to the 
 cotton worm ; India-rubber cement. 
 
 Nickel plating withouta battery ; Art of saw-filing; Remedy for love of strong 
 drink; Hunter's secrets and private guide to trappers; "Mad-stones," how to find, 
 how to prepare and how to use the great natural remedy for bites of poisonous or 
 rabid animals ; Seltzer aperient; Excelsior axle grease; Art of sharpening saws ; 
 Magical British washing powder; Printer's indispensable, improving and drying 
 inks of all kinds and colors — greatest help to good printing ever invented; Im- 
 perial fly paper, or "catch 'em alive oh !" Soluble blues, or liquid bluing ; English 
 harness blacking; Preserving grapes in their natural condition all winter; How 
 to make brandy from shavings ; Apple butter without apples ; Old orchards made 
 new, Kainite, or tree medicine ; Safety gunpowder; 100 pounds of soap for one dollar; 
 How to keep apples fresh and sound all winter ; Tyler's permeating powder , How 
 to restore vitality of seeds; Hunter's Secret ; How to make honey from tomatoes ; 
 Chinese art of catching fish; Infallible remedy for potato rot; Liquid black lead 
 polish ; " All farmers ai,d horse owners ;" Barrel of soft soap for 75 cts. ; Dead 
 shot for rose slugs; Scrofula ointment; Rat killing without traps or poison ; Baking 
 powder; Maple sugar without maple trees. 
 
 Fifty methods of making money; Fire-proof paint; Premium black writing 
 ink; Magic copying; Vegetable salve; Counterfeit detector; Art of painting on 
 glass; Celebrated chemical compound ; Hunter's secret; Soft soap ; Starch polish : 
 Cider better than from apples and not intoxicating; Rheumatic liniment; Magnetic 
 ointment; Indian pills; Red ink; Blue ink; Indelible ink, without preparation; 
 Luminous ink ; Red ruling ink ; Yellow ink ; Invisible ink ; Water-proof Composi- 
 tion ; Gunpowder; Shaving soap; Hard solder; Soft solder; Silver plating fluid ; 
 Great pain extractor; Matches; Horse taming; Oil-paste blacking; Metals pre- 
 served from rust ; Sealing wax ; Cologne water ; Hair restorative ; Curling liquid 
 for the hair ; Excelsior hair oil ; Celebrated tooth powder ; Cough syrup ; Univer- 
 sal liniment; Brick paint; Wood paint ; Best varnish ; Leather varnish ; Almond 
 soap; Fancy soap ; Non-explosive burning fluid; Florida water; Macassar oil; 
 Lavender perfumed water; Buffalo oil. 
 
 Sun-light oil; Corassa compound; Inman's cure for nervous weakness, &c. ; 
 Clover vinegar; Curing pork without brine; Sure and safe remedy for warts; 
 Electric blacking ; How to add 50 per cent, to yield of grain at trifling labor and 
 expense; Hardening gloss for printer's inks; Whiskers in six w r eeks ; Beautiful 
 art of transferring any kind of pictures to glass ; Great American washing fluid; 
 Liebig's great fertilizer; Gilding without a battery; Water witching, or art 
 of finding hidden water, oil or other valuable fluids beneath the ground, with the 
 forked switch ; Yeast from grape leaves ; How to soften hard water; Butter with- 
 out milk or cream — artificial butter whi< h cannot be told from genuine; Chinese 
 cure for neuralgia ; Pain paint; Artificial fruit syrups for soda water, and a secret 
 for adding largely to profits; Meat preserving in hot weather; Bordeaux wine 
 imitation; Art of waterproofing cloth; Phycometic fascination, or art of soul 
 charming; Colored fires for theatrical and other purposes; Boiler incrustation pre- 
 ventive; Vegetable cure for hydrophooia ; Egg preserving secret; Laundry secrets ; 
 Art of pickling meat in one day. 
 
 ISP" In neat 12mo volume of 100 pages, PRICE FIFTY CENTS. 
 
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