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 Ferdii}ai}d aijd Isabella. 
 
 AN HISTORICAL EXTRAVAGANZA 
 
 IN TWO ACTS 
 By DANIEL O'CONNELL. 
 
 GIVEN BY THE 
 
 Pupils of me Pacific seisms Grammar scfpl 
 
 MISS M. MCKENZIE, PRINCIPAL. 
 
 GRAND OPERA HOUSE 
 
 iVlAY 25 » IO92 (COPYRIGHT SECURED) 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 04-15 
 
 Parents and friends, we bid you welcome, we 
 This night will manufacture history. 
 
 Or rather, for our ends, will history change, 
 And through absurdities untrammeled range. 
 
 Dates and events, by the historian prized, 
 By us, you'll see, are utterly despised. 
 
 The mighty men that flourished in the past, 
 With creatures of the poet's brain, we'll cast. 
 
 Fiction and fact^are strangely blended here, 
 
 Days, weeks and months, bound in one mighty year. 
 
 From Spanish shores, Columbus' fleet will bring 
 Fair Isabella, and her loving King. 
 
 The Admiral himself will take command, 
 And steer them safely to Columbia's land ; 
 
 Be not astonished then if, on the piers, 
 Mortals they meet, who many, many years 
 
 After their Majesties had died, were born 
 Who'll bid them welcome on this fateful morn, 
 
 And with those people who once trod the land, 
 The ideal beings of the books will stand ; 
 
 The quick and the dead will mingle in the throng, 
 And merry make with quip, and jest, and song. 
 
 So for our play, and for the players' art, 
 We pray you criticise in kindly part. 
 
 The actor's skill, his sorrow, valor, rage, 
 And all the cultured business of the stage. 
 
 By us must be with imperfections rife, 
 
 But then we're not long on the stage of life. 
 
THEIR PJESTIES ABROAD. 
 
 ■>-- 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Scene — Colonial New York. 
 
 (Curtain rises, and discovered on the stage are: Miles Standish, 
 Captain Jo/m Smith, George Washington, Rip Van Winkle, 
 Marquis de Lafayette, Peter Stuyvesant, Roger Williams, 
 Willia?n Penn, Benedict Arnold, Burghers, etc.) 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 [Music by W. N. Gates.] 
 
 Oh! this indeed is bliss, 
 That though from distant places, 
 
 In this metropolis 
 
 We meet familiar faces; 
 
 And some of us descry- 
 In the people we discern, 
 
 Bright names in history 
 
 Which we have yet to learn, 
 Bright names in history 
 
 Which we have yet, have yet to learn. 
 
 Roger Wiujams: — 
 
 I'd like to introduce 
 
 Myself to all these people; 
 | My ways | are fast and loose, 
 
 Though my hat is like a steeple. 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 Ah! this is quite too sad, 
 
 'Twill surely make a ruction — 
 | He says | his ways are bad, 
 Upon his introduction. 
 
 Rip Van Winkxe: — 
 
 For years I've lain beneath, 
 
 The merry stars that twinkle; 
 | In fine | I ve cheated death — 
 
 My name is Rip Van Winkle. 
 
Chorus: — 
 
 Now, this we can't believe; 
 
 Our doubts we cannot smother; 
 | Not Rip | Van Winkle this, 
 
 But his younger, youngest brother. 
 
 William Pknn: — 
 
 And I am William, Penn; 
 
 This, Marquis Lafayette, 
 I | really | cannot say, 
 
 That e'er before we met. 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 Ah! this is utterly absurd, 
 We cannot see the point; 
 
 By his' try, every word 
 Is simply out of joint. 
 
 Benedict Arnold: — 
 
 Chorus:- 
 
 Since everybody here, 
 Has freely had his say, 
 
 I'm | looking | round, I swear, 
 For some one to betray. 
 
 Please, Mr. Arnold, do 
 Move off the other way; 
 
 We have no place, for you; 
 There's no one to betray. 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant: — 
 
 Dis all is very, goot, 
 
 And each a roaring blade is; 
 But in our merry, mood, 
 
 We've quite forgot de ladies. 
 
 {Enter Evangeline, Pocahontas, Dame Rip Van Wi?ikle, Dame 
 Stuyvesant, Minnehaha.) 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 Oh! this is realty very fine, 
 The way we work the oracle; 
 
 Behold! approach in-line, 
 Those ladies, all historical, 
 
Dame Rip Van Winkle:— 
 
 We give youlgood day, gentlemen. (Sees Rip, who 
 endeavors to hide, but is pointed at by Arnold.) Your place 
 is home in the woodshed, fellow! How dare you come 
 here? 
 
 Rip Van Winkee: — 
 
 Oh, dear! I knew I should be betrayed when I saw 
 that Arnold. Do, Dame, let me stay and see the big ship 
 come in. 
 
 Pocahontas: — 
 
 Yes, Dame, let him stay; I will keep him awake. I 
 will, won't I, Rip? 
 
 Rip Van Winkee:— 
 
 Awake? Oh! my Pokey! I have not had a nap since 
 that long sleep of mine that man Joe Jefferson made so 
 much of. Sleep, indeed! — with her at my heels! I fancy 
 not. 
 
 Generae Washington: — 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, I've crossed the Delaware 
 myself this morning, on my way to Valley Forge, to see 
 this ship. When is she due ? 
 
 Paul Jones:— 
 
 As I am about the most nautical character in the 
 crowd, I may as well inform you that she will be at the 
 wharf in five minutes, Greenwich time. 
 
 President Harrison: — 
 
 I understand there are some very distinguished people 
 on board. I've had a fresh coat of paint on the White 
 House to make it cheerful, should they feel inclined to 
 board with me, 
 
 Cortez:— 
 
 Oh! come; this won't do! These people are from my 
 part of Europe, and I have a nice Spanish boarding house 
 — tamales fresh every day, — where they will be most com- 
 fortable, I assure you. 
 
 (Enter Alma Ponce de Leo?i.) 
 
Ponce de Leon: — 
 
 Here! here! What are you doing? I thought I told 
 you to remain at home and fry the tortillas. 
 
 Alma: — 
 
 Si, Senor; but before I fry the tortillas, I must have 
 some money to buy the flour to make them with. 
 
 Paul Jones: — 
 
 {Gruffly.) Well then, dance, girl. Everybody in 
 this crowd works for a living. 
 
 {Alma dances.) 
 Chorus: — 
 
 (As gtin fires.') Huzza! huzza! here they come! here 
 they come! 
 
 {Caravel with name "Santa Maria" painted on it, 
 draws alo?igside. On board are Columbus, Ferdinand, Isabella^ 
 sailors and courtiers.) 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 All hail to Columbus! behold him come hither! 
 
 He has crossed the Atlantic in most shocking weather. 
 
 Cheer, for the Admiral! cheer, all together! 
 
 Ponce de Leon:— 
 
 You're not at all gallant. Cannot you tell a 
 Fair queen when you see her? Behold Isabella! 
 And Ferdinand, too, with his grip and umbrella! 
 
 [As the party step ashore on the gang plank, the persons on 
 the stage ra?ige themselves on either side, shouting " Capitol 
 Washington," "White House," "Lick Observatory ," ' This 
 way for Bu?iker Hill," " Occidental," "Palace," "What 
 Cheer House, ' ' ' 'International, ' ' ' 'Russ House, ' ' etc. ) 
 
 Isabella: — 
 
 Oh! do stop! you are a fearfully noisy lot, and make 
 my head ache! So this is America, Columbus! 
 
 Columbus: — 
 
 Yes, your Majesty. Now that you are at last con- 
 vinced, what do you think of it? 
 
 Isabella: — 
 
 Not half bad, Admiral. How does it strike you, 
 Ferdinand ? . . 
 
Ferdinand: 
 
 If I had my money back, I'd never take another share 
 in that old caravel. 
 
 Isabella: — 
 
 'Pon my word! I rather like that! when it was my 
 money, from my own resources of Castile, that went into 
 the outfit. How very noisy these people are! I had hoped 
 to have the pleasure of meeting Ward McAllister among 
 them, to secure an introduction to the " Four Hundred.'* 
 
 Benedict Arnold: — 
 
 McAllister, ha! Here he is hiding behind this barrel. 
 I must betray him. [Hauls out McAllister a?id presents. him 
 to the Queen.) Here he is! Your Majesty. He denied 
 Tecumseh a card to the Western Addition Social on the 
 ground of the color line, and he is afraid of being scalped. 
 
 Isabella: — 
 
 Ah! glad to see you, Mr. Mac! Can you recommend 
 Ferd and myself to a really first class boarding house? 
 
 {Here again cries of the names of the various hotels. Isa- 
 bella puts her ha?ids to her ears. Ferdinand opens his umbrella, 
 and rushes for the gang plank, but is collared by Paul J ones.) 
 
 Paul Jones: - 
 
 No, no, my fine fellow! You may be a king in your 
 country, but in this free republic you are simply plain 
 Ferd, and I am Paul Jones, the pirate. Here! give me 
 that umbrella. 
 
 Ferdinand: — 
 
 But, in order to be a consistent pirate, you should rob 
 only on the high seas, don't you know. 
 
 Washington: — 
 
 Come, Jones, give him back that umbrella. Mac, 
 introduce those distinguished arrivals to the reception 
 committee. 
 
 McAllister:— 
 
 Excuse me, with pleasure, Your Majesty. 
 
 {On his introduction each comes forward and bows. Enter 
 
 Ma it A MiiJUv niid th* Turin? \ 
 
Ward McAllister: — 
 
 Maud Muller and the Judge, Your Majesty. You 
 may have heard about them in Old Madrid. 
 
 Isabella: — 
 
 Why, of course! but is there not some mistake? I 
 thought that match never came off. 
 
 Maud and the Judge:— 
 
 Duet. {Music by H.J. Stewart.) 
 
 Oh! yes, we are happily married, 
 she rakes 
 
 I nomore rake 
 
 her 
 But lounges about town in carriage , 
 
 In a lady-like millionaire way. 
 Chorus: — 
 
 In a lady- like, millionaire way. 
 Judge:— 
 
 She's a very extravagant creature; 
 
 When I gaze on her milliner's bill, 
 A pallor steals over my features, — 
 
 I feel so exceedingly ill. 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 He feels so exceedingly ill. 
 
 Maud: — 
 
 Your Majesty, when on that morning 
 
 We met, and I was but a Miss, 
 I drank, I assure you, plain water, 
 
 But he took something stronger in his. 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 Yes, he took something stronger in his. 
 
 Judge: — 
 
 Ah! me! 'twas a pitiful morning! 
 
 Oh! men! when you travel abroad, 
 I charge ye, by me now take warning, 
 
 When you ride out, keep on the highroad. 
 
Chorus 
 
 Oh! never forsake the highroad! 
 Never forsake the highroad! 
 Never forsake the highroad! 
 
 Isabella: — 
 
 Funny lot! but I suppose it is all right. Is there a 
 Spanish restaurant anywhere about the wharf? 
 
 {Ponce de Leon and Cortez push to the front '.) 
 
 Ponce de Leon and Cortez, together. — 
 
 Si, Senora, frijoles, tortillas, tamales, fresh every day. 
 
 Ward McAllister: — 
 
 'Pon my word! this is really too bad. Stand back, 
 you impertinent rabble! And you, O, Queen! please excuse 
 their rudeness while I present to you two very interesting 
 people from the neighboring village of Grand Pre— 
 Evangeline and Gabriel {adva?ice and bow.) 
 
 Duet. " Moses in Egypt." Evangeline and Gabriel. 
 {Both.) 
 Our love is crowned, 
 
 For I 6 have found 
 
 His his , -^ .. 
 
 My ° wn ' my Sweet ^ van g ellne ; 
 
 He's , . me . 
 
 I've S0Ught her lon ^ 
 
 You'll read in song, 
 
 s^c me, his , ^ ,. 
 
 Ol , sweet Evangeline; 
 
 her, my fe ' 
 
 How much T , loved 
 I've 
 
 His , 
 
 yr own heart s queen, 
 
 Boating on rivers day and night. 
 
 Chorus:— 
 
 "Oh! have you seen Evangeline?'' 
 
 Both: — 
 
 He walks { { folk this d 
 
 I walk & 
 
10 
 
 Gabriel: — 
 
 Tenor Soeo. 
 
 ' ' I have not seen Evangeline 
 
 On bay, or wood, or shore. 
 
 Evangeline, was gone 
 
 And I was left alone. 
 
 I thought that I no more, no more, would find her." 
 
 Chorus:— 
 
 Would not find her; 
 
 'Twas very sad! 'twas very sad! 
 
 ISABEEEA:— 
 
 Quite well done! I assure you; I am positively getting 
 quite reconciled to the place.^ And who is this nice young 
 man in boots ? 
 
 McAeeister: — 
 
 Come here, Paul, and show yourself. Not you, Jones, 
 keep back! For a plain, ordinary pirate, accustomed to 
 salt water, you are entirely too fresh. — Revere, I mean. 
 
 [Paul comes fortvard cracking his whip and sings.) 
 
 [Music by A. P. Stephens.] 
 
 Since that wonderful ride I took 
 
 At night, beneath the stars, 
 
 You'll read about it all in books 
 
 Relating to our early wars; 
 
 Oh! I assure you, dames and sirs, 
 
 I always wear my spurs, 
 
 And crack my whip, 
 
 As on my trip 
 
 That night beneath the twinkling stars. 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 O! he always wears his spurs, 
 
 | And cracks his whip, 
 
 As on his trip | 
 
 That night beneath the stars. 
 
 Soeo: — 
 
 When those early colonists snored, 
 I cried, " Get up you drones; 
 For if you don't, upon my word! 
 The British will pick your bones." 
 Oh! I assure you, dames and sirs. 
 
11 
 
 Chorus: 
 
 I always wear my spurs; 
 
 And crack my whip, 
 
 As on my trip 
 
 To wake those drowsy drones. 
 
 Yes, he always wears his spurs, 
 
 | And cracks his whip, 
 
 As on that trip. | 
 
 To wake those drowsy drones. 
 
 John Smith:— 
 
 You are much too conceited, Revere. Pshaw! If you 
 had fought Indians as I did, and almost got knocked on 
 the head, but for Pocohontas, yonder, then you might 
 boast. 
 
 Revere:— 
 
 That may be all right; but no one ever wrote verses 
 about you — plain Smith. 
 
 Columbus: — 
 
 It seems to me you people are altogether too forward. 
 I'd like to know where you would all have been if I had 
 not found America ? 
 
 William Penn: — 
 
 Nonsense! Columbus! I found Pennsylvania, and 
 am ever regarded as the type of a perfect American gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 Benjamin Franklin: — 
 
 Not while Benjamin is about, William. Don't forget 
 my little kite, please. Why, bless me! Where would 
 your lightning rods be but for me ? 
 
 Ferdinand: — 
 
 Oh! bother those lightning rods! How long are you 
 going to remain on this wharf, Bella ? I am getting my 
 death of cold. Come here, Smith, and some of you girls, 
 and let us have a song. 
 
 {Quartette: — Ferdinand, John Smith, Lady Wentworth and 
 Dame Stnyvesant.) 
 
12 
 [Music by C. Troyer.] 
 
 Ferdinand: — 
 
 I've had so much of voyaging, of hard tack and 
 
 salt pork, 
 I'd really like to taste for once, the fresh meats of 
 
 New York. 
 The rockiug in that ship for days has disagreed with me; 
 I'm awful glad to be ashore, I hate the dreadful sea, 
 
 John Smith: — 
 
 Then be my guest this evening, I have a cosy nook, 
 And Pocohontas is indeed a very splendid cook. 
 Her tea and coffee are suberb, her biscuits are supreme, 
 Her soups could vivify the dead, her pastry is a dream. 
 
 Lady Wentworth: — 
 
 I am a Yankee countess — I can't tell what that means, 
 But in my castle I provide the very finest beans. — 
 And if you dine with me to-night, you'll find us all at 
 
 home. 
 You must of course be wearied of the ocean's fleecy 
 
 foam. 
 
 Dame Stuyvesant:— 
 
 My good man Peter, will on cheese and foaming home- 
 brewed ale, 
 
 With lavish hospitality, your Majesties regale. 
 
 The ale is strong and for the cheese; why! ask the 
 neighbors here. 
 
 They say when I produce it, it clogs the atmosphere. 
 
 All:— 
 
 Ferdinand: | I'm fn ld ! I've { 
 
 Chorus: J We're y & ' you've 
 
 Ferdinand: V I'm deli hted to meet ou ^ 
 
 Chorus: (We're s J J 
 
 Ferdinand: ) I'm c u ■, A . meet 
 Chorus: } We're awfu11 ^ - lad to greet ^ ou ' 
 Ferdinand: ) I'll make myself 
 Chorus: j Pray yourself 
 
 Chorus: — 
 
 For we are glad, are awfully glad, you've come, 
 Are awfully glad to meet you, 
 Pray make yourself at home. 
 
13 
 
 Ferdinand: — 
 
 Thanks, awfully. I'm hungry enough to accept all 
 these invitations, if you would kindly arrange the hours 
 to suit. But who is that sour-looking individual glower- 
 ing on Priscilla, the Puritan Maiden ? 
 
 Benedict Arnold: 
 
 Ha! ha! I'll betray him. That, Your Majesty, is Miles 
 Standish; he was desperately in love with Pris., and that 
 soft-looking, smooth-faced fellow over there, one John 
 Alden, courted her, and she jilted him, and — 
 
 Paul Jones: {Collaring Arnold.) 
 
 You! here! now get out! You are never happy unless 
 you are betraying some one. Cheer up! Miles. John 
 looks delicate, and no one can say how soon Priscilla will 
 be a widow. 
 
 Miles Standish: 
 
 In a valley by the stream, 
 
 Lived that angel of my dream; 
 
 It was in a peanut grove 
 
 That I told her, that I told her first of love. 
 
 Then she blushingly looked down, 
 
 Asked me take her into town, 
 
 And buy her a silken gown; 
 
 Oh! why did I? ah! why did I let her rove? 
 
 Chorus: 
 
 Why did flashes from her eyes 
 Take that puny Alden prize, 
 That young fellow we despise, 
 Who's not half bold Miles' size? 
 Oh ! why ! oh ! why ! 
 
 Right from her eyes, 
 Take that, take that, 
 That Alden prize. 
 Oh ! that young chap 
 
 That we despise, 
 Oh, he's not half 
 Bold Miles' size. 
 
 Solo: 
 
 Oh! Priscilla, fair and sweet, 
 Oh! why did you ever meet 
 Johnny Alden, trim and neat, 
 
14 
 
 One day walking, one day walking on the street ? 
 
 Why did flashes from your eyes 
 
 Then take Johnny Alden prize ? 
 
 Take him promptly into camp; 
 
 That young fellow, puny fellow, I despise. 
 
 Chorus— Repeat. 
 Pocahontas: 
 
 I always did think it too bad that Priscilla treated 
 3^ou so shabbily, Miles. Now, I don't see why you should 
 not pay your attentions to Minnehaha. 
 
 Hiawatha: 
 
 Come, now; none of that! Minnehaha is my ward, 
 and is under engagement at a high salary to appear at the 
 World's Fair, by a syndicate of Prohibitionists. Laughing 
 Water, you know, will be a rare article in Chicago. 
 
 Minnehaha — Solo: 
 
 i . He promised me that when we landed there, 
 To join that circus at Chicago's fair, 
 That every night he'd buy me nice ice-cream, 
 And oysters fried; ah! what a happy dream! 
 And take me a shopping, and never frown 
 If I demanded an expensive gown, 
 Or seal-skin sacque, the very best in town. 
 He promised me, he promised me. 
 
 2. He promised me that I should freely share 
 In all the profits of Chicago's fair; 
 He'd buy me rubies red, of purest glow, 
 Out of his portion of our little show; 
 Diamonds and bangles for my hands and feet. 
 I cried, "Dear Uncle, you are awful sweet; 
 Perhaps a sweetheart at that fair I'll meet" 
 He promised me, he promised me. 
 
 Isabella: 
 
 Make him keep his word, my dear. Columbus has 
 told me some very curious stories about that uncle of yours. 
 See your lawyer, and have the whole thing in black and 
 white before you do a bit of that circus business. But I 
 must really go and change my things. Cortez, call a 
 coupe, please. 
 
 Cortez 
 
 Why, with pleasure, Your Majesty. 
 
15 
 
 Chorus: 
 
 We have never seen such a lovely queen, 
 
 Fresh from fair Castile afar; 
 And King Ferdinand, so tall and so bland, 
 
 Seems to languish for the bar: 
 We shall take them where the concarne 
 
 With frijoles are seething hot, 
 And give them all our store, 
 
 Tamales, and what not. 
 Then call a coupe, and drive them both away to a Spanish 
 Menu, 
 
 Yes, a Spanish menu. 
 From the billows' foam to all the comforts of home, 
 
 To tamales all piping hot, 
 Pack off this royal lot. 
 
 {Curtain.) 
 
ACT II. 
 
 Sitting Bull's Camp. Trees, Rustic Benches, Wigwams 
 in Rear of Stage. Time Morning. 
 
 [Curtain rises disclosing mi?iuet dancers and Ward McAllis- 
 ter 071 the stage. ) 
 
 Ward McAllister: 
 
 If this fete be a success I'll off to Spain with their 
 Majesties. I'm just the kind of peison they want about 
 the Court. Now you dancing people, go on with your 
 rehearsal. Remember you will have royalty for an 
 audience. Skip. 
 
 (Minuet Exit. Enter Washigton.) 
 Washington: 
 
 Solo. (Music by H. J. Stewart.) 
 
 I'm the most historic woodsman in the world; 
 
 I can chop away all day and never stop; 
 And wherever Freedom's standard is unfurled, 
 There you'll hear the stirring story of my chop. 
 When Ma beheld my hatchet, 
 And when she tried to snatch it, 
 She cried " Stop!" 
 I cried " Chop!" 
 Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chopping, chop, 
 
 chop, chopping, 
 Never stopping, not one chop, chop, chop, chopping, 
 
 chop, chop, chopping, 
 Never, never stopping, not one chop. 
 
 (While Washington is singing this song, Benedict Arnold 
 enters, gziiding Mary Washington, a?id points him out to her.) 
 
 Arnold (To audience): 
 
 Ha! ha! ha! I knew I should betray him. This is 
 my regular business. 
 
 Mary Washington (pulls George away by the collar and sings): 
 
 Thus history, you see, is all awry, 
 
 For, on my word he would not stop his chopping 
 Till I took the naughty boy and made him cry, 
 
 I gave him such a hard and fearful whopping 
 When I laid on the shingle, 
 
17 
 
 George: Ah! how my nerves did tingle. 
 Mary: I cried "Whop!" 
 George: I cried "Stop!" 
 
 | Mary: Whop. | 
 
 | George: Stop. | 
 
 Marv ") 
 
 George: j She kept who PP in S» who P> who P« whopping, 
 Never stopping, not one whop. 
 
 GEORGE: ] She kept w k°PP in g> whop, whop, whopping 
 
 Never, never stopping, not one whop. 
 George Washington: 
 
 Indeed you did, Ma; and you were awfully cruel 
 about it, too; the way you flogged this poor orphan was 
 perfectly disgraceful. 
 
 Mary Washington: 
 
 You deserved it all, George, every bit of it. But see! 
 what a merry company comes this way! 
 
 Arnold: 
 
 Picnickers; they are giving a grand fete to Ferdinand 
 and Isabella. {Aside.) But I'll betray them before the 
 day is over. 
 
 (Enter omnes singing " Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!" They 
 take their places on the* stage and sing the opening chorus. 
 
 Opening Chorus: 
 
 In the woodland, merry woodland, here we meet beneath 
 
 the trees, 
 Sing away, now, and be happy, and those royal strangers 
 
 please, 
 Sing away, now, and be happy, and those royal strangers 
 
 please. 
 Sunlight beaming, sunlight streaming, while the fragrant 
 
 breezes blow. 
 Welcome! Ferdy; welcome! Bella; do you like this? 
 
 Don't say no. 
 Pocahontas! Minnehaha! Capt. John Smith! and Paul 
 
 Revere ! 
 All your friends now are about you, andare happy you 
 
 are here 
 All your friends now are about you, and are happy you 
 
 are here. 
 
18 
 
 Isabella: 
 
 Thanks, good people, thanks, awfully! Columbus, 
 have you got the sandwiches ? Ferd, put my shawl down 
 here, the ground may be damp. Bless me ! General Wash- 
 ington and Ma Washington here! and what a fearful 
 weapon, George! 
 
 Paul Jones: 
 
 He is conceited on that hatchet question, Your 
 Majesty; quite gone on it, in fact: imagines everything he 
 sees is a cherry tree, and takes a hack at it. 
 
 Isabp:lla: 
 
 How very sad! and such a nice looking man, too. 
 Do give him a sea voyage for his health, Paul. 
 
 Male Quartette {Pain, Columbus, Paul Revere, Com Perry): 
 
 A trip upon the ocean, 
 
 Dear George, will do 3^011 good; 
 At first, perhaps, the motion 
 
 May make you shun your food; 
 But when you get your sea-legs, 
 
 And hush your seasick groans: 
 You'll bless that happy morning, 
 
 You shipped with Pirate Jones, 
 You shipped, you shipped, you shipped 
 with Pirate Jones 
 
 He's every inch a sailor, 
 
 And fond of marine war; 
 He used to be a whaler, 
 
 And smell of oil and tar; 
 And swear big words caloric, 
 
 In loud and thrilling tones; 
 But now he is historic, 
 
 So ship with Pirate Jones; 
 So ship, so ship, so ship with Pirate Jones. 
 
 Isabella: 
 
 Now, Ward, is there anything on the bills before 
 luncheon ? If so, trot it out, for I know I am going to be 
 most shockingly hungry. 
 
 Ward McAllister: 
 
 I have secured a party of stranded players I found at 
 Reno, Your Majesty. Funds gave out, manager fled, and 
 were tramping it to San Francisco, when I chartered a 
 
19 
 
 cattle-car, and they are now ready to work out their 
 passage money; and here comes Pres. Harrison with that 
 confounded Baby McKee. He is never easy when that 
 baby is out of his sight. 
 
 Pres. Harrison: 
 
 i, Hush-a-bye, baby, listen to me; 
 Sweet little baby, baby McKee. 
 Off to the White House, come, now, with me; 
 Sweet little baby, baby McKee. 
 
 {Speaks.) Here's its 'ittle bottle, tootsy, wootsy, lals. 
 
 2. Grandpapa's baby, Baby McKee, 
 
 What ails my pretty one ? Some naughty flea ! 
 I love the pretty one, sweetie loves me. 
 Beautiful baby, sweet Baby McKee. 
 
 (Enter athletes, etc.) 
 
 Isabella: 
 
 Perfectly charming! How very clever these people 
 are. My dear Ferdinand, I really wish that you would go 
 in a little more for athletics. You are getting awfully 
 rusty, don't you know. 
 
 (Enter Benedict Arnold at the head of a band of Indians — 
 Sitting Bull in command.) 
 
 Sitting Bull: 
 
 I am really awfully sorry to break up this picnic party, 
 but permit me, good people, to call your attention to the 
 fact that you are trespassing. Don't you see those notices ? 
 
 (Points to notices, "No Trespassing," "Don't Walk on the 
 Grass" ' * 'Please Don' t Pick the Flowers. ' ' ) 
 
 Ward McAllister: 
 
 I assure you, Mr. Sitting Bull, we had no intention of 
 making ourselves disagreeable. And here, you see, we 
 have the King and Queen of Spain. 
 
 Sitting Bull: 
 
 It makes no difference to me. This worthy gentle- 
 man (pointing to Benedict Arnold), betrayed you, and, much 
 as I regret it, I shall have to obey the traditions of my 
 people, and scalp you all, beginning with the Queen. 
 
20 
 
 Isabella: 
 
 Scalp me! and in this climate, too! Why, I shall get 
 my death of cold! Can't you take enough off Ferdinand 
 for two, and permit my bangs to remain ? Besides, you 
 may have his crown thrown in. 
 
 Sitting Bull: 
 
 I should only be too pleased to oblige you, Your 
 Majesty; but what would history say ? And at my time of 
 life I cannot afford to be misrepresented. The newspapers 
 would abuse me most horribly, I assure you. Why, they 
 might even call me a philanthropist, and force me to give 
 things away to the public to keep my name up. No, I 
 really will have to scalp you. 
 
 Hiawatha: 
 
 Come now, let the lady be. I was in the scalping 
 business long before you were born, and I have something 
 to say about this. Scalp Arnold, yonder, if you must 
 have another specimen for }'our cabinet. 
 
 Arnold: 
 
 He can't, I wear a wig; and besides, I betrayed 
 you all on the condition that I was not to be interfered 
 with. 
 
 Ferdinand: 
 
 I have not much to say about this matter, though I 
 am obliged to Your Majesty for kindly suggesting to this 
 beastly savage to take my crown. Mr. Bull, will you be 
 satisfied with two dollars and a half for the damage we 
 have involuntarily done your premises, and for these 
 flowers, which are property flowers and of small value ? 
 Speak now! I won't raise the bid. 
 
 Sitting Bull: 
 
 I will not. Please hand me that crown, and let me 
 show you how a free untrammeled ace of the prairie can 
 take the King. 
 
 McAllister: 
 
 Say, this is all wrong. It is quite against the social 
 code. You have not been introduced to anyone here. 
 Pray wait for some moments, until I go through the 
 ceremony. 
 
21 
 
 ALL THE LADIES: 
 
 We refuse an introduction. He is not in our set. 
 
 Sitting Bull: 
 
 Oh! you can't hurt my feelings, ladies, but I am 
 afraid your set won't recognize you when I have finished 
 my coiffure business. Ha! ha! ha! I do love one of those 
 grim jokes for which I am so justly celebrated. Young 
 Man Afraid-of-his-tailor! hand me that knife! 
 
 Paul Revere: 
 
 You bloodthirsty old rascal! Do you think I have 
 been midnight-riding about this country all these years 
 without knowing something ?- If there is any scalping to 
 be done, we'll do it. {Blows horn.) What, ho! George! To 
 the rescue! To the rescue! 
 
 ( Washington marches in at the head of the Continental troops 
 and surrounds the Indians.) 
 
 Washington: 
 
 I suspected that something of this sort would occur, 
 Your Majesty, so I kept my troops just around the corner. 
 What is your pleasure ? Shall we kill off those Indians ? 
 Just say the word, and we shall send them all to the happy 
 hunting grounds. Soldiers! aim! 
 
 Isabella: 
 
 No! no! not on my account, General. We are very 
 much obliged to you for coming in at the right time; but I 
 would not have those wretches harmed, though if you 
 would induce them to go in for soap and water and have 
 their hair combed, I should esteem it a favor. You have 
 a very efficient company here, General, I should like to see 
 how you do these things on this side of the ocean. And 
 now, if you please, I should like to go back to town, that is, 
 you all choose to. Arnold, I think you are just too horrid 
 for anything. Mr. Bull, if you want to show your grati- 
 tude, keep that disagreeable creature with you and make 
 a medicine-man of him. 
 
 (Indians sieze Arnold \ and handle him roughly. Tableau is 
 formed. Indians and Continentals in rear of stage.) 
 
22 
 
 Closing Chorus: 
 
 Oh, back to the town we go, 
 
 The forest may be quite nice and quite free; 
 But the savage is | our foe; | 
 
 Then welcome the town, the dear, dusty town 
 For we have a notion, this red-skin commotion 
 
 Is rather too low. 
 We'll gladly strike the trail, 
 
 And leave this savage lot, 
 And at home tell the tale, 
 
 How we, like heroes fought; 
 And gleaming falchions flashed, 
 As on the foe we dashed. 
 And quickly put the chief to sleep 
 With blows inflicted, strong and deep, 
 He hardly knew he'd come to grief, 
 
 That wicked old chief. 
 But. now we'll take our Isabella, 
 And Ferd, with his big umbrella, 
 Back to the city's civilized streets, 
 To hob-nob with New York's elite- 
 So with a sigh, 
 We say good-bye, 
 We say good-bye. 
 
 (Curtain.) 
 
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