T.S. DENISON & COMPANY PUBLISHERS . CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PI^L^S. A Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. La^^i— - '^ 'piue Free. Price 13 Cents Each, Postpaid: Unless Differeijit Pncel^s Given. DRAMAS. COMEDIES. ENTER- TAINMENTS. Etc. - M. F. After the Game, 2 acts, IH hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs.(2Sc) 4 4 All That Glitters Is Not Gold, 2 acts, 2 hrs 6 3 Altar of Riches, 4 acts, 2;/2 hrs. (25c) 5 5 Americrn Hustler, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 7 4 Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs... 4 S Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 Bonnybell, 1 hr (25c).Optnl. Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 h.(25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 214 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Caste, 3 acts, 2'/4 hrs 5 3 Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. (25c) 17 14 Cricket on the Hearth, 3 acts, 1J4 hrs 7 8 Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs... ? 4 Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 4 Down i.; Dixie, 4 acts, 2}/2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 '4 hrs.... 8 7 Editor-in-Chief. 1 hr (25c) 10 Elma, 154 hrs (25c) Optnl. Enchanted Wood, 13^ h.(35c) Optnl. Eulalia, lyi hrs (25c) Optnl. Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 From Sumter to Appomattox, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs (25c) 6 2 Fun on the Podunk Limited, I'y^ hrs (25c) 9 14 Handy Andy(Irish),2acts,l^ h. 8 2 Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 8 4 High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 h (25c) 12 Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 25^ hrs (2Sc)13 4 Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. .(?5c) 5 4 It's All in the Pay Streak, 3 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 4 3 Jayville Junction, 1^ hrs.(25c)14 17 Jedediah Judkins, J. P., 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 7 5 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 2'A hrs (25c) 6 12 Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2]4. hrs. (25c) 7 4 Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(2Sc)13 Lonelyville Social Club, 3 acts, lyi hrs (2Sc) 10 eitt M. F. Louva, the Pajuper, 5 acts, 2 h. . 9 4 Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 5 2 Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 9 5 Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr 3 6 Not Such a Fool as He Looks, 3 acts, 2 hrs 5 3 Odds with the Enemy, 4 acts, 1 34 hrs 7 4 Old Maid's Club, l'/< hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 114. hrs (25c) 12 9 Only Daughter, 3 acts, I'A hrs. 5 2 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, Z'A hrs (25c) 10 4 Our Boys, 3 acts, 2 hrs 6 4 Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 ' 4 Pet of Parson's Ranch, 5 acts, 2 h. 9 2 School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1 M hrs. . 6 5 Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 % hrs. 7 3 Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2J6 h. 8 3 Solon Shingle, 2 acts, 1^ hrs.. 7 2 Sweethearts, 2 acts, 35 min.... 2 2 Tea Nights in a Barroom, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 Third Degree, 40 min. . . . (25c) 12 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Ticket-of-Leave Man, 4 acts, 254 hrs & 3 Tonv, The Convict, 5 acts, 2yi 'hrs (25c,) 7 4 Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.. (25c) 6 . 4 Trip to Storyland, 1 ^4 hrs. (25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2'4 hrs.(2Sc) 8 3 Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2J4 h:s (25c) 7 3 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 FARCES. COMEDIETTAS. Etc. April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 35 min 1' Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min. . 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 S Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 Cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 2 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Convention of Papas, 25 min... 7 Country Justice, IS min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 T. S. DENISON £i COMPANY. 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago THE FASCINATORS A MUSICAL BURLESQUE ENTERTAINMENT IN ONE ACT BY WALTER BEN HARE AUTHOR OF "A College Town," "A Rustice Romeo," "Aaron Boggs, Freshnian," and "Savageland" CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers THE FASCINATORS CHARACTERS. Mrs. Mary Jenkins Brown Ketchem Head of the Fascinator's Seminary The Widow Dubb An Anxious Parent Little Mandy Dubb The IVidozv's Mite Miss Betsey Bean The Nezc Pupil Flossie Hunch Sarah Bella Stubbs Castoria Skillet ' One of the Twins Peruna Skillet The Other Tzvin Jemima Jane Wiggs Melissa Clarissa Noodle Nancy Pet Gump Caddie Jellyfish Sissy Spiggot Originally reproduced by the Ceres Club, Cornell University. Ithaca, N. V., in 1909. Scene — Reception Room in Fascinator's Seminary Time of Playing — About Forty Minutes. SPECIALTIES. \. "Stately Lilies" — Ensemble. Sung to the tune of "Funiculi-Funicula." 2. "Cooking Song" — Flossie, Sarah, Castoria, Peruna, Nancy and Sissy and Miss Bean. To the tune of "There is a Tavern in the Town." 3. Bohimkus — Jemima and Caddie. To the tune of "Bohunkus." 4. Flirtation — Mandy, Miss Bean, Flossie and Melissa with Sarah, Castoria, Peruna and Nancy. To the tune of "Drum Major of Schneider'?. Band." Notice — All songs are stvng to old college airs familiar to everyone. However, they can all be found in the book, "College Songs," published by Oliver Ditson Co., which we will send postpaid upon the receipt of price, fifty cents. COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. ©CI,D 34078 Mr P\575r3 \<3| 1-5 THE FASCINATORS 3 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS, Mrs. Ketchem — Should be played by a middle-aged woman with a loud, clear voice. She wears a trailing tea gown of dark material, elaborately trimmed with artificial sunflowers. Large fan of bright colors. Much cheap jew- elry is worn and a wreath of sunflowers in hair. Eyeglasses or lorgnette. The Widow Dubb — Wears bright calico or cretonne dress of large flowered pattern. Bright red cambric sash and many small red cambric bows on dress. Large reticule on arm. On first entrance she wears a shawl of brilliant hue and large bonnet gaily trimmed with red and green flowers and yellow streamers and carries large old-fash- ioned umbrella and old-time grip or carpet-sack. As soon as she removes bonnet she takes white lace cap from reti- cule and dons it. Large spectacles. Little Mandy — Should be played by a stout lady who does not object to making herself funny. Boy's shoes, white stockings, calico dress and check apron. Hair wired in pig- tails a la Sis Hopkins. Walk pigeon-toed. On first entrance she wears a funny little hat of white straw with large green quill sticking straight up in front. She carries a striped stick of candy and frequently licks it. Miss Bean — Ultra fashionable dress made of bright cal- ico.. Large hat with rooster on top and two bunches of real grapes and banana. This part should be played as a gushing old maid with the proverbial side curls, reticule and black lace mitts. Old-fashioned cape. Large fan. The Fascinators — Dress in Sis Hopkins style with striped stockings, calico dresses and checked aprons, all in variegated colors. Hair wired. The twins dressed exactly alike. Jemima and Sissy wear artificial flowers and bows of many colors all over costumes. Caddie's hair is arranged in an enormous rat. Flossie chews gum constantly. All have reticules containing huge powder pufifs. 4 THE FASCINATORS The Cooks — Neat white caps and white bib aprons. All alike. The "Men"'' — Four dressed as swells, with tiny black mustaches, silk hats, white shirts, collars and ties, long black overcoats and canes. Two dressed as Rubes with long linen dusters, boots, full beards, red bandanna handkerchiefs around necks and carry whips. The overcoats and ulsters should reach the floor, covering the ladies' skirts. Sarah Bella, Castoria, Peruna and Nancy on last entrance wear large summer hats and carry parasols. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of the stage ; C, center ; R. C, right cen- ter; L., left; R. D., right door; L. D., left door, etc.; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., right entrance up-stage, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or scene running across the back of the stage ; up-stage away from footlights, down stage, near footlights ; 1 G., first groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. PROPERTIES. Two tables with eight common chairs, four around each. One smaller table with arm chair for Mrs. Ketchem. Writ- ing material and books on tables. There may be a copy of the play on each table. Small hand bell on Mrs. Ketchem's table. Ginger-snaps or cookies for Cooks to throw at audi- ence. Gaudy ill-made shirt in Widow's reticule. Personal properties, see under Costumes. THE FASCINATORS Scene : Reception room in Mrs. Ketchem's School for Lady Fascinators. Small table dotcn R., near front of stage, zi'ith zvriting material and hooks and papers on it. Arm chair at R. of this table. Tzvo other tables at rear of stage, each ivith four chairs. Writing material and papers {per- haps a copy of the play) on these tables. No scenery re- quired. Characters all make their entrances from the rear L. Piano plays a bright march to take up the curtain, but music stops as soon as dialogue begins. Enter Jemima, shozving in the Widow, Mandy and Miss Bean. Jemima stands at back, the Widow comes down front R., looking around at the room. Mandy comes to R. C. and stands pigeon-toed staring open-mouthed at the audience. Miss Bean, zvith short, mincing steps, comes dozvn L., taking off her hat, picking off banana and eating it. Jemima (at rear C). Take your things off, ladies, and I will tell Mrs. Ketchem that you are here. Mandy (at C). Maw, is Mis' Ketchem the dear teacher? Widow (at R. front, removing bonnet). Yes, honey bunch. (Jemima helps ladies remove hats and zvraps and taking them she exits at L.) Miss Bean (at L. front). So this is the school of the Fascinators. Widow (putting on lace cap). Yes, mam. I thought as how I'd never reach here alive. You see me and little Mandy ain't what you'd call used to ridin' in them steam keers and I was a little mite nervous about the journey. Mandy. Yes'm, I was nervous, too. (Licks candy.) Miss Bean. Did you have a pleasant trip? Mandy. No, mam. Them there keers went like a streak of blue greased lightning. I never was so skeered in all my borned days. That car just flew and the telegraft poles just spun right past the winder. (Licks candy.) 5 6 THE FASCINATORS Widow. The trip was real pleasant, though. It ain't often that I git away from home, so I says to Mandy, I says, says I, Mandy, we'll go the limit and see all the sights even if it costs as much as four bits. Mandy. We druv in six miles to take them steam keers. That there en-jine liked to skeered me to death, a-puffin' out smoke and fire and a-shootin' out steam and a-shriekin' like 'leven thousand pigs under a fence. Miss Bean. Was it the first engine you ever saw? Mandy. Yes, mam, it was that, and I was so teetotally skeered J;hat I sure hope it will be the last. Widow. It made me plum dizzy ridin' in them keers with the noise and the clatter and the en-jine bell. (Sim- pers.) The conductor was a real nice man, though. Miss Bean (clasping hands eagerly). What did he look like? Widow. Well, he looked a mite like Mr. (name local man) but the top of his head reminded me of Mr. (name bald-headed man.) Mandy. And he had a mustache for all the world like (name local man). Miss Bean. My land, but he must have been good looking. I'd certainly like to have met him. Widow. He was real polite. When he took my ticket he smiled real sweet. Mandy. Now, maw, he was smilin' at me. Widow. Hush, you Mandy, I guess I know who he was smiling at. Then I gave him a real languishing look ; like that. (Funny pose.) And it seemed just like he hated to tear himself away. Mandy (pertly). I acted real cute to him. And I jest know he took special notice of my brand new Sund*ay-go-to- meeting dress and hat. (Spreads out dress proudly.) Widow. Now, Mandy, don't you be so vain. It ain't be- comin' in young gals to be vain, especially when their mothers is widders. Miss Bean. That's as true as preachin'. Whatever you be, don't be vain. Mandy. Are you one of these here Fascinators? THE FASCINATORS 7 Miss Bean. Not yet. But I hope to be. Mandy. And so do I. Widow (impressively). And — so — do — I! Miss Bean. Ain't you a little mite old to be starting in to school ? Widow. The idea. I ain't forty yet and I'm jest pinin' to be one of Mis' Ketchem's Fascinators. Miss Bean (enthusiastically). It's a grand school. Seven girls graduated last year and every last one of 'em is now happily married. Mandy. Ain't that jest scrumptious! Miss Bean. Where are you from? Widow. I'm the Widder Dubb from (name neighboring tozvn). Folks say that I'm the belle of the place. This is my little daughter, Mandy. Miss Bean {crosses and shakes hands with them). I'm glad to be made 'quainted. I'm Miss Betsey Bean from (name another small near-by tozvn). And I want to learn how to be a Fascinator. Mandy. Me. too. I want to be a Fascinator. (Resume former positions.) Enter Mrs. Ketchem from L. rear. Mrs. Ketchem (coming dozvn from L. C). Ladies, I hope you will excuse me keeping you waiting, but I was just answering my mail. Six offers of marriage this morn- ing. Widow (at R.). For the land sakes! Miss Bean (at L.). Did you accept them? Mrs. K. Not a one. I am waiting for a earl or a duke. There ain't no one too good for Mary Jenkins Brown Ketchem. Mandy. Me, to. I want a gineral — or a policeman. Mrs. K. (to Mandy). Well, this is the right place to come. Are you Miss Bean? Mandy (bash f idly). No, I'm little Mandy Dubb Widow. She's my little daughter. Mrs. K. You don't say ! Why, I thought you were a young girl yourself. Widow (simpering). That's what they all say. 8 THE FASCINATORS Mrs. K. (crossing to Widow). Then you are Mrs. Dubb. (Shakes hands and then turns to Mandy.) And so this is Mandy. (Shakes hands and then crosses to Miss Bean.) And this is Miss Bean. (Shakes hands.) I am glad to wel- come you all to the School of the Fascinators. I got your letters and your fees and I am proud to enroll you among my pupils. Mandy. When we gradgigate, teacher mam, please do we get a man? Mrs. K. Of course you do. The men are all crazy for my fascinators. I guarantee a husband for every one. I saw that this town was full of unmarried men, so I thought I would open a school along new lines. Many a girl that understands grammar and knows in what country Algebra is, simply can't get a husband. My school is practical. It teaches you just what the men want. I will now introduce you to my pupils. (Crosses to table at R. front, sits and rings bell. Widow and Mandy cross to Miss Bean at ex- treme L. of stage at front.) Piano softly plays "Fnnicula" and the pupils enter from rear L. and stand at rear in single line, facing audience. As each name is mentioned the girl takes a step forivard 'and makes an azvkward curtesy, then resumes her place in line. Music all through this. Mrs. K.— This is Flossie Bunch, a coy young thing, Who loves to play and loves to sing. Sarah Bella Stubbs, the sweetest of girls, Caught many a man with her fluffy curls. (Sarah'^- hair is very straight.) Sarah Bella, you forgot to do you hair up in curl papers last night. Castoria Skillet, and Peruna, too, Two twin rosebuds waiting for you. Jemima Jane Wiggs has real cute ways, There ain't a man that she can't daze. This is Melissa Clarissa Noodle, You orter hear her play Yankee Doodle, THE FASCINATORS 9 Nancy Pet Gump is a first-rate cook, The men folks follow her every look. Miss Caddy Jellyfish here you see, Tall and love-lorn, likes poetry. And this one sets the men a-v\^hirl Sissy Spiggot, the giggling girl. (Sissy giggles.) Girls, these are my new pupils — the Widow Dubb, her daughter, Mandy Dubb, and Miss Betsey Bean, the beauty from {name toivn). {When additional characters are de- sired the following verses may he used.) Aspasia Timmons here you see And Juliet Snobbs, in society. The Sniggles Sisters, one, two, three, Sarey and Sinah and little Susee. Eliza McGinty has a soulful look, If she ain't soon a bride, I'm much mistook. Lena Hauspepper from old Yarmany, And Julie Bon-bon from gay Paree {pause), Kentucky. Here is a lass named Briget O'Toole, And Sugar McSchwatt. the pet of the school. Elizabeth Snaggs and Polly Poke And little Sis Hopkins, the village joke. STATELY LILIES. {Tune: "Funiculi, Funicula," song by the nine girls.) In us behold nine little fascinators, That's what we do — we surely do. Though we love man, we are not woman haters, How do you do ! How do you do ! 10 THE FASCINATORS Each day we go to town and shop sedately, We act so shy, but not too shy. The men say, See the Lihes stately ! As we pass by, as we pass by. Cupid, Cupid, give the college cry, Cupid, Cupid, Lilies passing by. The fascinating maids are we, and each one has her way To captivate the mannish hearts and captivate their pay. (Repeat Chorus.) Widow, Miss Bean and Mandy — In us behold three seekers after knowledge, How do you do, how do you do. To catch a man is why we came to college ; It would be grand to have a man. And if we lea'rn your rules and walk sedately, A little shy, but not too shy. Will all the men say. They are the Lilies stately? Mrs. K.— Yes, bye and bye, if you are shy. All — Cupid, Cupid, we'll do the best we can, Cupid, Cupid, please send us each a man. Twelve little fascinators we. as cute as cute can be, And each is on the lookout for a cute affinity. {Repeat Chorus.) {At the beginning of the song the Fascinators are stand- ing in single file at rear of stage, Flossie, Sarah, Casto- RiA, Peruna, Jemima, Melissa, Nancy, Caddie and Sissy. At beginning of music Jemima marches dozvn C. alone, then Peruna and Melissa, Castoria and Nancy, Sarah and Caddie, Flossie and Sissy. Jemima holds her place and marks time. Peruna, Castoria, Sarah and Flossie march around to R., up to rear, across back, dozvn L.; Melissa, Nancy, Caddie and Sissy march around to L. At close of this figure Jemima is in C. of stage. At her left are Pe- runa, Castoria, Sarah and Flossie. At her right are Melissa, Nancy, Caddie and Sissy. Wheel by threes. THE FASCINATORS 11 Castoria; Sarah and Flossie, Peruna, Jemima and Me- lissa, Nancy, Caddie and Sissy wheel completely around. Then all mark time till ready to sing. At beginning of song each girl puts her right index finger to right check and touches her right elboiu zvith left hand; on word "behold" all curtsey, then drop arms. At zvords "Hotv do you do" all bow heads to Widow, Mandy and Miss Bean, ivho arc standing dozvn near footlights at L. On zvords "We act so shy" arms crossed on breast, eyes dozvn. "But not too shy," each one zvinks roguishly at audience. On "See the Lilies stately," fidl right arm gesture. On "Give the college cry," right arms up to cheek. When Chorus is repeated zvheel by threes as before till end. Then all face right and led by Flossie they march to rear of stage and line up as before. Widow, Mandy and Miss Bean come to C. of stage and sing second, verse. On "Hozv do you do" they curtsey as explained. On "It zvould be grand" they clasp hands ec- statically and roll eyes upzvard. On "A little shy" they cross arms as others did. On "Will all the men say" they address Mrs. Ketchem, zvho sings the anszver. When all repeat chorus they all march around stage in circle, Widow, Mandy, Miss Bean, Flossie, Sarah, Castoria, Peruna, Jemima, Melissa, Nancy, Caddie and Sissy at rear gig- gling.) Mrs. K. Now the scholars will take their places and we'll open the morning's exercise with roll call, each pupil responding with a definition of a kiss. (Girls line up at rear.) Flossie Hunch. Flossie (sings) — If a body meet a body comin' through the rye, If a body kiss a body, need a body cry? (Speaks). No, mam, a body should look pleasant as though she expected another and say : Tiiank you kindly, kind sir. Come again ! Mrs. K. Good for you. Sarah Bella Stubbs. Sarah. A kiss; it's shape is elliptical, its essence sweet- ness long drawn out and its result everlasting happiness. Mrs. K. Castoria Skillet. Castoria. A kiss in time saves nine. 12 THE FASCINATORS Mrs. K. And it has been the beginning of many a suit for breach of promise, but there's many a sHp 'twixt the kiss and the Hps. Peruna Skillet. Peruna. In arithmetic a kiss is nothing divided by two. Mrs. K. Do you prefer long division or short division? Jemima Jane Wiggs. Jemima. A kiss: To a young girl faith, to a wife hope and to an old maid charity. Mrs. K. And the greatest of these is charity. Melissa Clarissa Noodle. Melissa. A kiss is a salutation with the Hps. I wish someone would salutation me. Mrs. K. Nancy Pet Gump. Nancy. All I know about 'em is that they're real down- right good. Mrs. K. Solomon himself couldn't say more. Caddie Jellyfish. Caddie. The frenzied fire of the tiger lily, when lip meets lip two hearts beat as one and all the world is full of dew- drops, sushine and violets. Mrs. K. Ain't that poetical ? Sissy Spiggott. Sissy. A kiss — (giggles). A kiss is — (giggles). I mean a kiss is — Mrs. K. That'll do, Sissy. I guess your definition is as good as any other. The Widow Dubb. Widow. A kiss is the sugar on the bread and butter of life. Mrs. K. You'll make a good pupil, Widder. Betsey Bean. Betsey. A kiss from a man with a mustache is a sensa- tion once felt never forgotten. Oh, you (name local man with mustache) . Mrs. K. Now little Mandy Dubb. Mandy. 'Scuse me, teacher man, I don't know nothin' 'bout no kiss. I ain't never been indulged. Mrs. K. (to audience). Is there anybody here tonight who can show little Mandy Dubb what a kiss is ? Speak up, boys ; now's your chance. Jemima. Please, teacher, I got a question. When a man THE FASCINATORS 13 comes to see you, and comes and comes and comes and takes you to the moving pictures and buys you soda, but never says a w^ord about love and marriage and sich, how is a girl goin' to make the critter propose? Mrs. K. That's a serious proposition, Jemima Jane. I think a man like that don't know his business or else he's too timid. I think the thing to do is to wait till leap-year and settle the matter yourself. Ask him if he means busi- ness. The next lesson will be cooking and home mak- ing. Nancy Pet Gump will lead that class this morning. Castoria, Peruna, Sissy, Sarah Bella and Flossie may be excused. (TJie six mentioned may curtsey to teacher and cixt L.) The rest of the class will practice writing love letters. Take your places at the tables. Now, girls, select the men you want to write to today. First, Jemima Jane Wiggs. Jemima. I think Pll write to Lawyer {name local law- yer) today. Mrs. K. a good choice. He was out walking with a tallish young lady last week ; so make it strong. Caddie Jellyfish. Caddie. Pll write to Judge {name local judge). Mrs. K. The very thing. I saw where he'd lost two buttons ofif'n his coat last Sunday. That man needs a wife. Melissa Clarissa Noodle. Melissa. Pll write to {name very steady man). Mrs. K. I fear he ain't settled enough for you, Melissa You need a steady, earnest man, but you might try. The Widow Dubb. Widows. Pm going to write to {name rich man). Mrs. K. Fine. You'll be riding in your own automobile some day, Widow. Betsey Bean. Miss Bean. Pm going to set my cap for Dr. {name local doctor). Mrs. K. He's a real lovin' man ; but, girls, beware of doctors. Still, one letter may do no harm. One tiny straw often shows a T. N. E. which way the wind blows. Now, little Mandy Dubb. 14 THE FASCINATORS Mandy (crying). I don't know no man to write to. Please, teacher mam, I don't know airy a man. Mrs. K. (pointing in audience). There's one over there. Mandy. Who? Him? (Points.) He's got a girl. Mrs. K. (pointing). Well, right down there. Mandy. Oh, goody. I wonder if he's married! Mrs. K. I don't think he is. He don't have a married look. Maxdy. Please, teacher mam, how can you tell? Mrs. K. By experience. A married man generally looks kinder spindly and worried like. All ready now. (Girls write.) I take my pen in hand to waft you this incense, white and radiant, from my inmost heart. Jemima. Ain't that sweet? Mrs. K. As the fervid crimson rose seeks the sun, as the lone red star kisses the sleeping ripples, as the dusky bee seeks the heart of the sweetest flowret, so do my thoughts turn to you. Mandy. Please, teacher mam, how do you spell thoughts? thoughts ? Mrs. K. Show her, Jemima Jane. I love you in the morning, at night I lovp you again, I love you in life's pleasure, Tlove you in life's pain. Miss Bean. How lovely, "I love you in pain." Widow. I don't quite sense the meanin' of that, but it's real romantical. Mrs. K. Come on the wings of morning, Come on the wings of night, Come with the twilight's dawning. And then — and then — Mandy. And then you're out of sight. I'm a poetry, teacher mam, I'm a poetry. Mrs. K. When the summer winds blow your lovelocks, Around your pallid brow. Mandy. Please, teacher mam, I'm writin' to a bald- headed man and he ain't got no lovelocks. Mrs. K. Never mind. It sounds good. When the sum- mer winds blow your lovelocks. Around your pallid brow, I hear your dear voice calling like a — like a-^ Mandy. Like a calf a-callin' her cow. Ain't I a good poetry, teacher? THE FASCINATORS 15 Mrs. K. Then sign it, with a tnilhon kiss-drops, your own beloved. Miss Bean. I think this school is just grand. Jemima. Please, mam, the cooking class is ready. Enter Nancy, Castoria, Peruna, Sissy, Sarah Bella and Flossie as Cooks. They line up near front and sing: COOKING SONG. Tune: "There Is a Tavern in the Tozvn." There's two things every girl should know, Both how to cook and how to sew. She should excel in these two arts. If she would capture mannish hearts. (End musie.) Mrs. K. (speaks). When he comes to call on you, girls, don't feed him on fudge and ice-tea. Tell him to come in the afternoon, take him right out into the kitchen and let him see you cook a meal. Tell him you make all your own clothes and can dress on $15 a year. Take my word for it, girls, that bait has landed many a human fish. Any married woman here tonight will tell you it's true. (Sings to chorus of "There Is a Tavern in the Town.") And be sure when he is looking That you have the best of cooking. And remember to be always shy and neat, shy and neat, And then some day, some bright and shining day, He'll come and take you, take you home to stay. And you will be a cosy little wife. And he will pay your bills for life. All (sing) — Yes, whenever he is looking. He will get the best of cooking. We'll remember to be always shy and neat, shy and neat, And then some day, some bright and shining day, He'll come and take us, take us home to stay. And each will be a cozy little wife. And he will pay our bills for life. Cooks (tossing cookies to audience. Sing) — Here is a sample of our art. We hope 'twill win a mannish heart. And if you think that we will do, 16 THE FASCINATORS Just wave your hand, we'll come to you. (End music. ^ Mandy (sings without music and out of tune) — Just wave your hand, I'll come to you. (Speaks.) Please teacher niam, didn't none wave their hand at me, and I can cook turnip greens jest scrumptious. Widow. I can sew to beat the band. (Takes shirt from reticule.) Jest look at this fine shirt I made all myself. Teacher, do you reckon I could get a husband that-a-way? Miss Bean (coming C). If I don't get a man there is just one request I wan to make. (Siiigs to verse: "There Is a Tavern in the Tozvn.") Oh, dig my grave both wide and deep, Put tombstones at my head and feet. And on my chest carve a turtle-dove To signify I died of love. Fare-thee-well, one day I'll leave thee, Do not let my parting grieve thee. And remember that the best of friends must part, must part. Adieu, adieu, kind friends, adieu, adieu, adieu, I can no longer stay with you, stay with you. I will hang my harp on a weeping wilier tree, And may the world go well with thee. All (sing) — Fare-thee-well, one day she'll leave us, We'll not let the parting grieve us. We'll remember that the best of friends must part, must part. Adieu, adieu, kind friends, adieu, adieu, adieu, I can no longer stay with you, stay with you. • We will hang our harps on a weeping wilier tree. And may the world go well with thee. Mrs. K: Places all. Now Jemima, MeHssa, Caddie, Miss Bean, Flossie and Mandy may be excused to prepare for the flirtation class. (The six mentioned exit L.) I will now give out a list of the eligible bachelors in (name town where play is held.) First, , who is jolly and fat, THE FASCIXATORS 17 And , with his Panama hat. And , a lawyer shy, You'll win him, Widow, if you but try. And Dr. needs a wife, To make his pills and shield him from strife. is a man with a mission. Peruna, how would you like a politician? There's , a cute young clerk, And , too rich to work. And , of great renown, He's got a girl in every town. There's , the furniture man, He makes love on the installment plan. And Mr. , he is loving and true, Castoria, he's the man for you. And is a cute young beau, He keeps what he earns, but I hear he's slow. And , the postoffice king. And , if he would not sing. Then we've some likely widowers, too, Pve learned that might do. And , with his horse and rig, But some folks say he wears a wig. There's many more, both tall and short, And fat and thin of every sort. So, girls, if you heed what I say. You'll all be brides a year from today. Widow. Teacher, teacher, hear comes some men. (Exit Sarah, Castoria, Peruna and Nancy.) Enter Caddie and Jemima, dressed as Farmers. They come front and sing. BOHUNKUS. There was a farmer had two sons, and them two sons were brothers. Bohunkus was the name of one, Josephus was the other's. Josephus married him a wife and fed her on some cereal, He didn't care what dress she'd wear, so it was immaterial. 18 THE FASCINATORS A missionary he became, them Zulus has presumption, To carve him up with vinegar and kill him by consumption. Bohunkus traveled in the West and met a girl in Reno, She took his cash and ran away, he gently murmured Keno. He then joined out with a side-show troupe of reputation shady, And to the altar then he led a sweet-faced bearded lady. Now them two lads are dead and gone, long may their ashes rest, Josephus of the cannibals died, Bohunkus by request. Caddie and Jemima cross to Widow and Sissy paying them marked attention. Enter Mandy, Miss Bean, Me- Lis'SA and Flossie dressed as Stvells. Enter Castoria, Peruna, Sarah Bella, Nancy. Come dozvn C. The four Sivells stand behind them and at the beginning of song come dotvn to the right of the girls. Line reading from left is Castoria, Mandy, Peruna, Miss Bean, Sarah Bella, Melissa, Nancy and Flossie. FLIRTATION SONG. Tune: "Drum Major of Schneider's Band." Swells — Howdy, pretty lady sweet. Girls — The same to you, how do you do. Swells — Let us stroll along the street. {Men kneel.) I promise I'll be true. Let's meander in the shade. (Rise.) Girls — I'd like to go, but maw says no. (Bash fid.) Swells — Would you like a lemonade? Girls — I don't think I can go. (Turn away.) Swells — Hear now, the band is playing, (Bend right and listen.) THE FASCINATORS 19 So let's be straying down to the glade. Girls — The moon is gleaming, the stars are beaming, We can't refuse you a prbmenade. {Take anns.) Swells — We'll hear the distant band so fine, They're playing Watch on Rhein. Girls — And as we slowly stroll along the street — Swells — A\^e'll teach you Cupid's music sweet. (Couples stroll.) Take it from me, it is simply grand, Moonlight and the distant band. Girls — I'll take a walk with you, I'll have a talk with you, And maybe a flirtation on the strand. . Swells — And if you will say, Yes, {faces together) . You'll get a fond caress. {Kiss.) All — As we listen to the music of the band. (Caddie and Widow, Jemima and Sissy join ihe pro- cession walking around stage.) All — I'll take a walk with you, I'll have a talk with you. And maybe a flirtation on the strand. Men— And if you will say yes. (Girls shout "Yes!") You'll get a fond caress. All — As we listen to the music of the band. CURTAIN. (// there is no curtain all stroll off in couples, Mrs. Ketciiem bringing up in the rear throwing kisses at the audience.) AUG 11 IStS A Rustic Romeo By WALTER BEN HARE. Price, 25 Cents A musical comedy in 2 acts, 10 males, 12 females. Only 5 m. and 4 f. have lines. The rest are in the chorus. It can be played by 5 m., 4 f., eliminating the chorus. It will prove equally successful when produced without music. Time, 2^4 hours. Scenes: 1 exterior, 1 interior. Characters: John Jabe Doolittle, the would- be heart smasher of Chowderville. Hink Spinny, who peddles tinware, woodenware and hardware everywhere. Sid Roberts, who longs for the "Great White Way." Azariah Figg, storekeeper. Grandpaw Blue, the oldest inhabitant. Evalina Tupper, the vil- lage belle. Miss Dee, a lovelorn critter. Mrs. Spriggs, looking for the third. Honeysuckle Spriggs, her little sunbeam. The Chowderville Are brigade and its charming society leaders, con- stitute the chorus. Contains ten exceptionally clever songs, hu- morous and sentimental. "I Want a Big-Town Girl" is set to original music. The remainder are sung to familiar college airs. "Pretty Girls," "I'm Falling in Love Again," "Moonlight Sere- nade," "John Jabe's Wedding," "Over the Banister," "The Chow- der Fire Brigade," "Gay Manhattan," "Love's Waltz" and "On the Fourth of July." A most interesting plot wound about the events of a small town, which keeps one's interest keen until Figg finally locates his $70.00 and John Jabe gets a wife. This play is a decided novelty. Directions are given with the songs, explaining in detail how the chorus may be drilled to march, form figures, pictures, etc., which are very effective, yet in the range of amateurs. A clever stage director should make this show equa,! most metropolitan successes. Especially recommended for col- lege productions. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty of five dollars reciuired for amateur performance. SYNOPSIS. Act I. — Chowderville on a busy day. Honeysuckle and St. Cecelia astonish the rubes. The boy whose father was bad. "Do I look like a tall -grass sister?" Miss Dee, a lone, lorn critter, tells of the awfulness of the world. The village belle and the Rustic Romeo. "Girls, girls, girls!' A matrimonial advertisement from a clinging little blonde named Golden-haired Flossie. Hink Spin- ney tries to propose to Evalina. "If I gnly had $70!" Mrs. Spriggs astonishes the natives. "I'll make j'ou think a Kansas tornado has struck your town." A moonlight serenade. The robbery. "Who stole my $70?" Act II. — John Jabe's hotel on the Fourth of July. A country wedding. Honeysuckle and the four rubes. "Skidoo is New York talk for scat." The Fairfield Road folks come to the wedding. Miss Dee's wedding present, a bottle of Miggins' Stomach Balm, good "fer every ailment in the human cistern." An unwilling bridegroom. Figg catches the thief — almost. The Chowder fire brigade. A suspicious biide with a temper. Deserted on her wedding morn. "We'll be as happy as two little twin cubebs." A double wedding and divided wedding presents. Figg recovers his $70. Patriotic finale: On the Fourth of July. "We played 'A Rustic Romeo' a few nights ago to a packed house. A dandy play for amateurs." — Tom Conley, Luling, Texas. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given. Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min. ... 4 2 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-Class Hotel, 20 min...... 4 For Love and Honor, 20 min. . 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. S Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 30 min 6 10 Great Doughnut Corporation, 30 min 3 5 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6