LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. p h :k\Lo i|ap.- © oytji ' lgljl If o. ShelfAS>.Dl<^ UNITE© STATES OF AMERICA. THE r Queen of Hearts. & ©ramattc Jpantasta. FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. By AN AMATEUR. CAMBRIDGE : CHARLES W. SEVER. ,875. THE Queen of Hearts. & ©ramattc jFantasta, FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. By AN AMATEUR. / V CAMBRIDGE: ] CHARLES W. SEVER. 1875. T vo Copyright, By Charles W. Sever, 1875. Cambridge : Press of John Wilson 6° Sort. DRAMATIS PERSONS. Fairy Heartsease. Queen of Hearts. Ace of Hearts ( The Princess) . Ace of Diamonds, 1 Ace of Spades, > Maids of Honor. Ace of Clubs, J King of Hearts. The White Knight, Crown Prince of Euchre. Knave of Hearts, "1 Knave of Diamonds, \ Young Courtiers. Ten of Hearts, J Herald. Page {Five of Hearts). Clubs, Spades, Diamonds, &c. COSTUME. The characters should be dressed as much as possible to sug- gest cards. A full description of the costumes, with patterns of the original designs, will be forwarded by the publishers on receipt of one dollar. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. PROLOGUE. Tableau of cards (court cards with blanks behind them, others with cards in front) discovered. King, Queen, Knave, and Ace of Hearts, Ace of Clubs, and Knave of Diamonds, and others if desired, as cards. Enter Fairy, who looks around at them with interest. Fairy. What a sad time these poor creatures do have of it ! They are plastered on pasteboard, and laid away in baxes, and handled by all sorts of people. What a joke it would be to let them out for a holiday ! They might, at least, see what the real world was like. They were let out once before, too. But it must have been a very long time ago, — before my day. Some bard has written their adventures in their great national epic. Let's see : — " The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day ; The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away." I wonder what they would do ? Probably just the same they did before. History is always repeating itself. Maybe they will be a little more modern, but that doesn't make so much difference. The main things are always the same. I will try it any way. [ Waves wand. Soft music, coming to a sforzando climax, at which the blanks vanish, and the cards wake up, rub their eyes, and look round with surprise.] King [winking']. Eh ! Halloo ! what's this ? How came we here ? Fairy. Oh ! you're alive, that's all.. I thought, my friends, I would just turn you into real people a little while. b . THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. King. Hm. Queen [yawning"]. Is it any fun? I have almost for- gotten about it. Fairy. Oh ! I'm afraid it's rather dull, but maybe you will like it just for a change. Ace. Oh, how nice ! Fairy. You won't always find it easy to manage ; but I will be by, and help you out if you get into any trouble. Now you two sit down here ; you [to King] with your 'Tiser, and the Queen opposite with her knitting-work, and you'll begin life like Adam and Eve in Paradise. The rest of you may go out awhile. [Exeunt all but King and Queen, who sit down. ACT I. Queen and King. Queen [to King]. My dear, we must have a partv. King [reads half aloud]. Queen. My dear! King [reads]. Horrible accident ! Her majesty, the Queen of Clubs, while out driving yesterday — Queen. Oh ! I am not to be diverted in that way. I want to talk to you. King [reads]. In this city, on the 12th inst., by the Right Reverend, the Bishop of Spadille — Queen [interrupting]. Oh! who? [Recovering herself and biting her lips.] But will you just listen to me a minute ? King [reads]. Camel's hair, it seems, will be very much worn again this season. A very neat costume we noticed at Shuffle and Cutts had — Queen [rising and snatching paper]. Oh! let me see. I thought they would last another season. What colors will be worn ? Oh ! those bewitching russets. [Heads half aloud.] King [chuckling]. You will find quite a full description there. Really, their Paris correspondent is a very intel- ligent fellow. Queen. And here are some fine evening costumes. They are just the thing for my party. I will tell Ace about them. ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 7 King [aside with disappointment]. Oh, confound it ! I thought they were all street dresses. Queen [sitting down]. And that reminds me. Now, dear, you must let me have a party. We really can't decently get along without. There are the Diamonds, who have had a superb ball, — a brilliant affair. And even those beggarly Clubs have had the presumption to give a kettle-drum. And then there was the Spades' garden party. It is actually mean not to do something. I am absolutely ashamed to accept another invitation. King [aside]. Gracious ! I wish you never would, nor send one either. Queen. And then, you know, there's our dear child, Ace. She has grown a lovely girl. We must bring her out more. There are several young men that would be excellent matches for her. We have no son, you know. . . . There might be a revolution in case — Suppose there should be an attempt to make it next, and have diamonds trumps. You must be looking out for a successor. King [quickly]. Oh, thank you, my dear! I'm not in haste. Queen. But I've been watching the child for some time. It's my opinion she is interested in somebody we don't know about. King. Nonsense! She is a princess, and knows better than to care for anybody but an eligible young man. But perhaps it is time to secure a husband for her. I have one in mind now. Queen. So have I. There's the Knave of Hearts. Frank,. gay. witty, — a charming young fellow. After he's tamed down a little he would make an excellent husband. King. Jupiter ! A nice young man for a family party ! Spends as much as the whole royal budget in champagne and cigars. Bah ! I'd rather she should be the sixtieth Mrs. Brigham Young. I meant the Knave of Diamonds. Queen. There ! You men are always just so unrea- sonable. Heart's is only a little gay. All young men of spirit go through that stage. But your Knave of Dia- monds ! Ugh ! a scheming, selfish creature. Sharp enough to cut his own head off. He's sure to make any woman unhappy. Jilted the Ace of Spades, — a splen- did girl, — because she couldn't help along his ambitious schemes. King. I wish you would speak more respectfully of my friend and counsellor. O THE QUEEN OP HEARTS. ACT I. Queen. Oh, yes ! you're so very kind to my favorite. The Knave of Hearts is worth — King. Stuff! I won't hear of him. Queen. Of course you are taken in by that hypocrit- ical — King. Well, well, never mind. now. Let's talk about the party. I don't mind so much having it, though you know I hate parties ; but the expense, my dear, the ex- pense ! There was a deficit last year of over ten millions, and people are grumbling about the taxes dreadfully. Queen. Now do, dear. It won't be so very expensive. We'll use kerosene in the grand chandelier instead of gas, and we needn't have any music but a piano, and we'll invite a pianist. And now about refreshments. I will make some tarts myself. [ Coaxingly."] You know you are so fond of them, and you used to think I made them so nicely. King. Well, well, my dear, I suppose I must. I will get Finesse to stick the amount somewhere in the budget, — secret service, stationery, or harbor excursions, or some- thing of that kind. Queen. Oh, what a dear ! Now let's plan it. King. Well, we'll have a good many, — say fifty-two. Queen. Mercy! what & pack / Oh, no! have a select little German, — only thirty-two. Then there will be room to dance. King. Confound your dancing ! But have it as you like. Say thirty-two then. Whom will you have ? Queen. There are the Diamonds, to begin with. King. Yes, I suppose we must have them. They are our nearest neighbors, — next in suit, you know. And then there are the Spades. Queen. Gracious ! Not those vulgar people. I don't mind the Clubs, but the Spades are too bad. Why, they are nothing but market gardeners ! Now the Clubs are, at any rate, of a military family. King. The Spades do seem a little low in this coun- try; but let me tell you, my dear, their ancestors were soldiers of the highest rank, and their connections abroad are the Piques, — the best blood in Europe. And as for your Clubs, their family was only one of Trefoils, — mere haymakers, related to the clovers and the like. Queen. Bah ! I don't care a fig for your history and genealogy and stuff. The Spades are as low as they can be, and don't go into society at all. I won't have them in my house. ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. V King. Oh, very well ! I don't care a fig for your soviet;/. You needn't have anybody at all. [Rises in a 2Xtssio?i.] Queen [vexed]. There ! I knew you just wanted to annoy me. What difference does it make to you who comes ? King. If you'd only just be reasonable ! Queen. It's you that are obstinate. It's always just so when I want any thing. King. But you are so particular about little things. It's foolish. Queen. Oh, indeed ! foolish, is it ? King. Now do restrain your temper. You're so pas- sionate ; you get so angry about nothing; you fume and fret so — [Gradually becoming more and more angry and walking up and down.'] Queen. Oh, go on, go on ! King. I won't say another word. [ Walks up and doicn.] [Queen vexed, crying, occasionally peeping out at Jam. . King sneezes!] Queen. Bless you! King [turns quickly]. Did you say, Bless you ? Queen. Why, yes. King. Then let's make up. [Rushes up and embraces her.] There, there, my dear, you may have just the ones you want. Queen. No, I won't. I'll have them all. King. Well, well, do just as you like. Enter Ten. Ten. May it please your majesty, a messenger without desires to speak with your majesty on important business. A dangerous plot is suspected. Fears are entertained that something may turn up. A deal of trouble is brewing. King. Bless my soul, we cannot let this pass. We will to our royal audience-room and hear the report of this matter. Bye bye, my dear. [Exeunt King and Ten. Queen. Knave of Diamonds, indeed! A low, double- faced politician ! He'd do to sit for a portrait of Janus. But I will trump that trick. Enter Ten. Ten. Your majesty ! 10 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. Queen. Proceed. Ten. Her Royal Highness and the ladies of your royal court await your pleasure. Queen. Bid them come in. [Exit Ten. Miter Ladies and salute the Queen. Queen. Good morning to your Royal Highness. Good morning, ladies. I have summoned you on an im- portant matter. I have news to tell you. Ace of Spades. Your majesty does us honor by this confidence. Ace of Diamonds [aside to other ladies']. Goodness gracious ! what can it be ? Ace of Hearts [aside]. Can it be that anybody is engaged ? Ace of D. [aside]. Oh! it's some bit of scandal. Ace of S. [aside to ladies]. The king is going to have & new waistcoat. "We are to decide the color. Queen. I am going to have a German ! ! ! ! ! A. of H. Your majesty does well to gratify the court. A. of S. [aside]. Delightful ! A. of D. [aside]. Divine ! A. of C. [aside]. Oh, ecstasy! A. of D. [aloud to Queen.] Your majesty will doubt- less take some time for preparation ? Queen. Impossible. I have set next Thursday. A. of C. [aside], Mercy ! what shall we do? A. of D. We haven't a blessed thing to wear. A. of S. Bring down the royal ragbags of the last three centuries. Pick out the odds and ends, and we shall be just in the newest fashion. A. of H. [aside]. Dear me ! I can't wear my white muslin with a blue ribbon. A. of S. [aside]. Oh, yes ! you can. Make it scant in front, and let it draggle well behind. Get all the hair you can, and do it over a sofa pillow. Queen. Ladies, advise me what color is best for invi- tations. I think a chocolate brown. Miter Ten. Ten. Your majesty I Queen. Speak. Ten. A minstrel without craves audience of your majesty. ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 1 1 Queen. Seemed he worthy ? Ten. Indeed he did, your majesty ; the very quin- tessence of gentility. He wears an Ulster and a striped shirt front. He has a bull terrier, and his cane is short and stout as any watchman's billet. A. of S. The very stage properties of nobbiness. Queen. Shall we admit him, ladies ? A. of D. 'Twere well at least to see him, your maj- esty. [Aside."] Gracious! I hope she will. I'm all of a quiver to see what he's like. A. of C. [aside]. Oh, yes! Young men are few, and minstrels rarer still. 'Tis long since we have heard a . song. A. of S. [aside]. Our singers now are dreary warblers. Their fire is as warm as an artificial back-log. A. of H. [to Queen]. Please let him in. I should like to hear a song so. Queex. Well, Ten, admit him. A. of C. [aside]. Order him up. Don't let him even change his suit. [Exit Ten. Enter White Knight, icith an Ulster on. Guitar on his shoulder. Sensation. A. of S. [aside]. Goodness! he's as gay as an under- taker. But these girls like it. His air promises a ro- mance in three volumes. They'll dote on him. A. of D. [aside.] Oh, isn't he handsome ! So roman- tic ! And he looks so piercingly at me ! A. of C. [aside], Xo, he looked at me. A. of S. [aside?] You silly things ! 'twas me. A. of D. [aside]. I'm sure he looked at me. A of S. [aside]. A perfect family portrait that stares at every spectator. W. Knight [aside]. Good ! the Princess. I hoped so. She does not recognize me. Excellent. The Queen seems amiable. I'll try to make friends with her. Queen. Enter, gentle sir : your craft is always wel- come. W. K. Thanks, your majesty. I hope my humble skill may win your favor. Queen. Sing on. Your song will doubtless please : though I fear your strain will be a sad one. Your mien betokens sorrow. A. of S. [aside]. So much the better. You girls are as fond of tears as toads are of a shower. 12 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. A. of C. [aside,"] Oh, isn't it touching ! W. K. True, your majesty ; but one must sing what comes. I, alas ! have suffered. A. of H. [aside]. What a dear interesting creature ! A. of D. [aside]. Oh, he's heavenly ! A. of C. [aside]. Oh, I wish he'd tell his story! A. of S. [aside]. Oh ! I can tell it ! k a pair of blue eyes, a spit-curl, and a broken heart. But they get well. Wait for the next volume. [ W. K. sings feelingly. The others listen with rapt atten- tion. Goes on tuning his instrument.] A. of D. How sad ! A. of C. How noble he seems ! Queen. Such feeling! A. of S. Oh ! they learn the art, your majesty. He'll be as merry as a chirping grasshopper in five minutes. A. of C. [in tears]. For shame, you sarcastic thing! It's mean to insult misfortune. [W. K. overhearing is affected.] A. of H. [lower tone to Queen.] I don't believe he's a minstrel at all. Just now, in his song, he gave me such a look! Nobody but a prince would dare. I never had a minstrel look at me so. Queen. You are mistaken, my dear. He is a very common person. [Aside.] But he's very amiable. I am quite attached to him. Fair sir, your song is exquisite. Whose is it ? W. K. The words and music are my own, your majesty. A. of D. [aside]. What genius! A. of C. A poet, too ! Queen. Will you be pleased to sing another ? Sings again. Queen. You have moved us much in your favor. Will it please you to tell your tale ? We may relieve you. W. K. No doubt your majesty can do much. [Aside.] I will confess to her. If she assists, the king must take rne up. The stake is high and deserves a bold game. [Aloud.] Indeed your majesty can do more than any other. A. of D. [aside]. Oh, how exciting! A. of C. [aside], I wonder what it can be ? ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 13 Queen. Go on with your story. W. K. But, your majesty, I cannot make my sorrows so public I must speak with your majesty alone. A. of D. [aside, vexed]. How provoking! Queen. Your timidity is natural. Ladies, you may retire and prepare the invitations for the German. ^Ladies salute and retire with regret. Queen [sJmUing door]. Sir, I am impatient to hear your story. W. K. [with significance]. 'Tis no new one, your maj- esty. I love a lady. Queen. And she? W. K. Is of the very highest station, worth, and beauty. Queen. Surely, youth and genius ought not to de- spair, if aided by our royal favor. "W. K. [kneeling]. Your majesty emboldens me. Que ex. Speak out. W. K. Can your majesty pardon me ? She is no other than the Princess Ace of .Hearts. Queex. Ah — [with dissembled vexation, and some- what strongly]. How came this? W. K. At first, by a mere accident, your majesty. Last summer, as I flung the gaudy fly along a mountain stream, I came upon a pic-nic party gathering water-lilies. The Princess was among them, and I was stricken instantly. Queex. You lead from a short suit, — a hazardous play ! You, a minstrel — aspire — W. K. I am not a minstrel, your majesty. I am the Hero of the West, the White Knight, called the Joker. [ Throws off his Ulster.] Queex. Ah. — [Aside.] Vexation! This accounts for the Princess' conduct. I had suspected something. [Aloud.] You quite deceived me. An Ulster can con- ceal the knightliest gentleman. I have often seen the students in the horse-cars so disguised. But does the Princess know you are here? Does she know your feelings ? W. K. I have told her nothing. But then, few maid- ens need sealed documents in those matters. Queex. True. [Aside.] Hm ! so much the worse. A dangerous rival for my favorite, Hearts. But it would be a 14 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. pity to cross his suit, and disappoint at once so charming a young fellow. Just when I am going to have a party, too. [Aloud.'] Your suit is difficult. The king has other designs. W. K. And your majesty? Queen. Hm ! It is rather sudden ; but we will see. You have my leave to stay at court and establish your suit. Be silent and discreet. W. K. Thanks, thanks, your majesty. Queen. Be at the German Thursday. Till then, au revoir. [W. K. kisses her hand.~\ W. K. [aside]. I think I have secured the Queen. That's certainly & point. \_JExit. Queen. This young man may serve me after all. I will play him against the king's left bower. [Hises.] And he is wonderfully attractive, wonderfully. The dear child ! I am sure I can't blame her for falling in love with him. What if I should take up his cause in good earnest. I should like to favor him. And it would please my dear Ace so much. She would love me almost to death. There's no love so sweet as that that's meant for somebody else. . . . But what can I do? I can't abandon Hearts. 'Twas I that set him on to sue for the Princess when that saucy Ace of Diamonds jilted him. I was very fond of his father, and I wanted to do some- thing to advance the young man for his sake. Besides, I had to block the king's game with that scamp the Knave of Diamonds. And I had to punish the Ace of Diamonds too. Impertinent little minx! I guess she has had enough of it by this time, and wishes she had him back. Good enough for her. .... No, I'll stick to Hearts. Ace will like him just as well if she finds she can't have the other. .... It's a pity, too. The stranger is very, very capti- vating. But I wonder if she is really so fond of him ? Hm — yes — I can't be mistaken. They are very easy to read at her age. She's interested, certainly. I will watch her. And here she comes. I'll make her show her hand, and decide the game at once. Enter Ace oe Hearts. A. of H. We forgot one thing, your majesty. Are we to say any thing about the hour in the invitations ? Queen. No, I think you had better not. But are you sure you have the whole list ? You know we need young ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 15 gentlemen. Perhaps you may think of some more. Did you see any new ones this summer ? A. of H. No: at least, none that are. here. Queen. No matter then. But, maybe — Were there any new ones? A. of II. No — Well, yes, there were a few. A young man from the West. Queen [aside]. Yes, I thought so. [Aloud.'] I hear there are some Western men in town now. Ace. Oh, are there ? Who ? Queen. I heard no names. Hm — yes — they said the Joker. Ace [interrupting]. Oh! Is he here? Queen. Do you know him. Ace [recovering Iter self]. He was an excellent dancer. Queen. Did you dance with him ? Ace [becoming confused]. Yes, once. Perhaps twice, and walked with him once on the beach — and — [stojis, still more confused?]. [Queen rings.] Queen. Oh ! you do know him then ? Enter Page. Queen [to Page]. Go call the King. [Exit Page. Ace. Oh, mamma! please don't tell him. I really did not mean to give him any encouragement. But he was so handsome, and he talked so charmingly, and sang so divinely, — you know I had to be polite to him. Enter King. King. What's the matter now ? Queen. Here's a pretty piece of business. With your bungling play, trying to get in your Knave of Diamonds, you have made Ace fall in love with a man we know nothing about. King. The deuce she has ! Who is he ? Queen. The White Knight. King. Fire and fury ! I'll cure her of that. Page, go get the Archbishop forthwith. I'll have her married in- stantly. [Exit Page. Queen. But not to your crafty schemer. She shall many the Knave of Hearts. Ace. But I won't marry anybody. I'll join the Industrial Association first, unless — the W T hite Knight should come for me. 16 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. Queen. But, my dear, he'll never come. Of course he has forgotten all about you. A mere watering-place acquaintance. Ace. But, mamma, you said he was here. Queen [confused]. Yes, to be sure, but he's only here on business. [Aside."] How stupid ! King. What, the villain here? I'll have his head off in a twinkling. You shall marry Diamonds. Queen. She shall marry Hearts. Ace. I can't marry anybody but the Joker. King. I say you shall marry Diamonds. Queen. She shall not marry Diamonds [crosses to her and caresses her], she shall marry Hearts. Ace. I won't marry anybody but the Joker. [All stand at bay.] Miter Fairy. Fairy. There, I knew you'd get into a muddle and need me. King. But mustn't a king and father be obeyed ? Queen. Mustn't a queen and mother marry her daughter ? Ace. And, dear Fairy, can't a girl and princess choose her own husband ? [ Goes to Fairy.] Fairy. There, there now, it grows worse and worse. It's a dead lock, you see. You must be reasonable. I'll tell you what to do. Try the civil service fashion. Have a competitive examination for the place of husband of the Princess. King. Hm — [aside] a good political scheme. It will please the people, and then I can give the place as I like afterwards. That's the way Grant does. Nobody will see through it except the Editor of the Nation. Queen. Good ! [Aside.] I'll tutor Hearts myself. He's sure to win. Ace. Well, I will agree to that; [aside] but I won't marry anybody but him, anyway. * King. We can have it all at the German. But what shall it be in ? Fairy. Oh ! in music, dancing, and conundrums. All. Agreed. . Queen [ to Ace].. Gome, my dear, now we'll go and make the tarts. King. Fairy. Queen. Ace. Curtain. ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 17 ACT II. Enter Knave of Diamonds. Knave of Diamonds. I wonder what the King was called away for? He had just promised me the hand of the Princess and the place of prime minister: now the question is to plot or not to plot. What if I abandon the conspiracy altogether? I ought to come out ahead with- out it. Let's count the score. I am sure of the King, that's as good as a double, that's two. Gain the Princess, and there's another double ; and the rub, — ay, there's the rub, sure enough. But I never failed with them yet. They are easy enough to bring to terms. A compliment, a sigh, and a bouquet, — and they are finished directly. There's the Ace of Spades. How fond she used to be of me ! I liked the girl, too. Pity I had to drop her ! But politics, politics ! Head of the cabinet, and husband of the Prin- cess Royal. The prize was too great. " Men must work, and women must weep." The poor girl had to go over- board. Gad, how bitter she is now ! She was always sharp; sharp enough to be caught by sharpness. That's the trouble with the Princess. She is so innocent she spoils the best intrigue. But I shall manage it. Hm! there's some one coming. [Retires. Enter Knave of Hearts. K. or H. This must be the place, — an unfrequented room in the palace. It's a good joke my being a con- spirator. I shouldn't be in it, if that girl the Ace of Dia- monds hadn't refused me. Re-enter Diamonds, with significant gestures as conspir- ator continued through the Act. K. of D. What are trumps ? K. of H. Hearts. K. of D. I pass. K. of H. I make it spades. K. of D. St ! some one comes. [ They retire. Enter Ten. Re-enter Knaves. K. of D. What are trumps ? Ten. Hearts. K. of D. I pass. 18 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. Ten. I make it spades. K. of D. What news, my faithful Ten ? Ten. The Queen is to have a party. K. ofD. andH. Ha!!! K. of H. Is it sure ? Ten. I heard it even now from her own royal lips. K. of D. And does the King consent ? Ten. Unwillingly he does. K. of D. 'Tis strange. What means this sudden determination ? K. of H. Doubtless it is to bring out the Ace. K. of D. I fear there be more potent reasons. When comes it off ? Ten. On Thursday. [Sensation.] K. of D. I feared it. 'Tis the time set for the plot. K. of H. They must suspect. Ten. Oh ! I am sure not. K. of D. St ! some one comes. Miter King. Knaves hide. Ten remains. King [aside]. If I could find Diamonds, I would in- struct him about the examination. [ To Ten.] Have you seen the Knave of Diamonds ? Ten. Not since yesterday, your majesty. King. I would fain speak to him of the conspiracy. I will seek him further. [Exit King. Knaves come out. K. of D. What said the King ? Ten. He but remarked upon the coolness of the weather as he passed. K. of H. 'Tis well. I feared it had been more serious. But had you any further news ? Ten. A new aspirant for the hand of the Princess. K. of H. Impossible ! K. of D. Can it be so ? Who ? Ten. The White Knight. K. ofD. [aside]. The conspiracy must go on. [Aloud.] Ten, have the guards been tampered with ? Ten. Copies of Schenck on Poker have been distrib- uted freely among them, and Spades — K. of D. Take care ! the Queen. [ Knaves hide.] Queen [aside]. Where is Hearts? I must see him. [Sees Ten, ivho is practising minuet steps awkwardly.] My faithful Ten, have you seen his majesty? ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 19 Tex. I left him just now in his apartment. Queen. I'll seek him there. [Exit Queen. Enter Knaves. K. of D. Thursday, at midnight, is the hour. Ten, guard every approach to the palace. Hearts, you will take command of — Ten. St ! the Ace. [Knaves retire. Ace [aside], I must find the Joker to give him this book of conundrums. What ! the Ten here ! [ To Ten.] Ten, have you seen the Queen ? Ten. No, your royal highness, she has not passed tins way. I have just come in to find the King. [Exit Ace. Enter Knaves. K. of D. As I said just now, Hearts will direct — Ten. St ! some one comes. [Knaves retire. Enter stealthily three Aces. A of C. We were seeking some unfrequented part of the palace to practise the minuet. Ten. You will find the next apartment quiet. This one seems liable to intrusion. [Exeunt Aces. Enter Knaves. K. of D. Secure the persons of the Royal Family. Then proclaim Spades trumps. The King of Spades will at once — Enter Herald. — False start. Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! His majesty the King has ordered all the suitors for the hand of her royal highness to appear at the Queen's German, and pass a competitive examination for the place of Royal Consort. Long live his majesty, King of Hearts ! [ Cornet. Sensa- tion.'] [Exit Herald. K. of D. [aside, on one side of the stage where he retires .formally to soliloquize']. A new complication. The plot must be postponed. We'll all go in for the examination first. K. of H. [on other side, in same manner]. Gad, here's a new trouble. Just when a fellow wants to enjoy him- self he must get up this confounded examination. And 20 . THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. we must go in. It won't do to depend entirely on the conspiracy. It's bad enough to have to plot, but this is worse still. What a pity the. Ace of Diamonds refused me ! She's such a stunner ! She doesn't trouble you with conundrums nor competitions. She likes to be merry. And what a bore it will be too, if I win, to be the husband of the Princess. But there's fun in it, too. Royal con- sorts are not so badly off, after all. I'll go in — and win ? Yes, — and win. Enter King. Knaves retire. King. I cannot find Diamonds. Ten. He must be in the garden of the palace, your majesty. King. Come, I will confer with you upon this matter. [Exit with Ten, who makes signs behind the King's back to the Knaves. He-enter Knaves. K. of H. Jove! isn't it queer? Such a joke ! A new suitor for the Princess, and a competitive examination between us all, — Music, Dancing, and Conundrums. K. of D. [aside']. This looks dangerous. K. of H. You and I are about even, old boy, on those things. K. of D. The new rival is very fascinating, they say. K. of H. Yes, the White Knight sweeps the board ; but the King and Queen don't favor him. He has no chance. We can beat him two to one. K. of D. Hm ! Hearts, I have an idea. Suppose we join to euchre the stranger, and then play it out between ourselves. It's a three-handed game now. K. of H. Agreed ! fair play between us, though. K. of D. Oh, of course, of course ! St ! there comes the Queen. [ They retire. Enter Queen with Tarts. Queen. There ! How pleased the King will be ! And Hearts is fond of them, too. The best I ever made. I hope they are better than the Queen of Diamonds' saw- dust pound-cake with plaster frosting. I'll set them here to cool. Nobody will dare to touch them. It's high treason, at the least. They are all marked with the crown. Now about the music. [Exit Queen. ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 21 Enter Knaves. K. of D. [aside]. Good! A glorious plan! It will ruin them both, and then I shall have a lone hand. [Aloud.] Hearts, let's make the White Knight eat the tarts. K. of II. Gad! a capital joke. We'll do it. K. of D. Put on an apron, and take them to him as a present from the Ace. K. of H. What a head you have ! But let us take a few ourselves. K. of D. Thank you. I never eat between meals. I am afraid they'd disagree with [aside] my plans. K. of H. Here goes then. [Eats with signs of appro- bation. Puts on a handkerchief as an apron and carries them away.] K. of L). Here's another double and the rub without the Princess. The game is sure. [Retires. Enter Ace of Hearts. Ace. He must win. He sings like an angel. And such dancing ! But the conundrums ! I'm afraid he isn't up to them. But then he's so clever. He beat in all the games last summer. And he is so handsome. I have sent him a splendid book of conundrums. If he cares for me, he'll get it up. He can't fail. Enter White Knight. White Knight. Charming Princess ! [Ace screams.] Ace. What ! you here ! How dared you ? W. K. Am I too bold? Ace [with effusion]. Oh, no! [Confused.] That is — yes — of course — here in the palace. [Alarmed.] If you were discovered ! W. K. Oh ! never fear. The game is worth the candle. And then I have secured the Queen. Ace. You were the minstrel then ? W. K. By that disguise I gained admission to the palace. Ace. What reckless daring ! W. K. 'Twas little risk. And now I fear nothing, since the sweet token of your affection. From your own fair hands — Ace [aside]. Oh, he has received the conundrums ! He'll win now surely. W. K. The gift was yours then, pearl of maidens ? Ace [hesitating]. Yes, I did send it; but I — I only thought — 22 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT IT. W. K. [interrupting']. Oh, don't explain ! [Aside."] Ec- static thought! The tarts were hers. So young, and a pattern of housewifery ! [Aloud.] They were superb. I devoured them, — crammed them instantly. They are absorbed into my being. Ace [aside]. Oh, what a dear, enthusiastic creature! I was sure he would get them up. He's certain, certain to win now. [Aloud.] But you know — W. K. [interrupting]. Oh, yes ! I heard the proclama- tion of the Herald. And did you consent to the compe- tition ? Ace [simply]. I knew you'd win, of course. W. K. Thanks, adorable Princess, for your confi- dence. I am ready for the contest. We cannot fail. Your gift has given me new power, and now your assur- ance inspires my own. [Embraces her, but she breaks away.] Ace. Oh, I hear some one coming ! [ They run off different ways, turning several times and throioing kisses. He-enter Knave of Diamonds in a rage. K. of D. Perdition swallow him ! He has secured the Princess. That point is gone. But the game's not lost. There's the competition. If he wins that too, I'll spring the tarts upon him and blow up Hearts too. . . . And, should t&at fail, I have still the plot. I'll upset the state, and climb upon the ruins But the competition — [Sings a scale.] The music's safe, at least. Then the conundrums ! . . . Bah ! I've wit enough to beat innocent Hearts and spooney Joker. But the dancing. . . . Hm. . . . Tis not so sure. . . . [ Thinks.] Good ! I have a chance. [Calls.] Ho! Page. [Miter Page.] Go call the Herald. [Exit Page.] The Herald is a dancing-master in disguise, — a spy of the King of Spades. He'll teach me privately. An' my good legs fail me not, I'll pirouette it with the best of them. [Enter Herald.] Good morning to your nimbleness. Herald. Good morning to your excellency. K. of D. Thou art a dancer, I believe. Her. I do skip a little, please your excellency. K. of D. Canst thou teach thy art ? Her. Ay, I could teach it even to the Cardiff Giant, or the mummies in the Way collection. K. of D. Good ! I would learn it. But st ! some one comes. Bah ! the palace swarms like an ant-hill. [Retires. ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 23 Enter Knave of Hearts. Her. [without noticing that K. of D. is gone.~] Your excellency must first — K. of H. Good morning, Herald. Well met, well met ! [Mysteriously. ,] I have need of thy skill. I would get up a dance, — some master-stroke, a Terpsichore an avalanche, something to make the women sigh and lan- guish, and all mankind grow green with jealousy. Her. I have that power. {Looking round.} But just now I had another pupil. K. of H. Ha ! ! a spy. [Retires. Her. [turns back]. And now they both are gone. [ The two Knaves peep in at sides and see each other.'] K. of H. Oh ! it's Diamonds. K. of D. Oh ! it's Hearts. [ They come out laughing.'] K. of H. Let's learn together. Her. Yes, 'twill be a conservatory. K. of D. Oh! a college. K. of H. Or, better yet, a University. Her. Now, your excellencies, take your places. I will lay aside this book. Both Knaves. A book ? What is it ? • Her. A book of conundrums I was to give the White Knight from the Princess. [Sensation.] I have not yet had time. K. of H. We will take it to him. [Signs to K. of D.] Her. Good ! [ Gives book to K. of H. The Knaves look at the book, and put it away icith significant gestures.] Now, gentlemen, take your positions. [ Grotesque lesson in dancing according to the skill of the performers 7] Cornet heard outside. K. of D. Ha ! The court is assembling. We must prepare for the examination. [Start to go out. Curtain falls.] 24 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. Hall of the Palace. A pillar on each side large enough to conceal one of the Knaves. Dais, throne, etc. Enter in procession, icith music, the King, Queen, Ace, Ladies, Ten, Herald, and other cards at pleasure. They take their places. King. Now, my dear, you have your party. What do you want to do ? Queen. Let's have the business nYst, — say the com- petitive examination. Where's the Fairy ? King. Oh ! she can't be far off. Enter Fairy. King. Are you ready for the examination to proceed ? Fairy. The candidates will be here presently. I have prepared the papers — [ Cornet heard.] There they are now. Enter Knave of Hearts with Page. Salutes the Fairy and the royal party, and takes his place. Another cor- net. Enter* Knave of Diamonds in same manner. Another. Enter White Knight. Fairy. Let the Herald announce the contest. Her. Oyez, oyez, oyez! The great competition for the hand of the incomparable princess, Ace of Hearts, under the rules of chivalry, will now begin. The trial will be in music, dancing, and conundrums. The fairy Heartsease, Grand Protectress of the Kingdom of Hearts, will preside and be umpire. Long live his majesty, King of Hearts! [Calls.] The Knave of Diamonds, Left Bower to his majesty ! [K. of D. comes forward, bows, and takes his place. Applause^] The Knave of Hearts, Right Bovver to the Queen ! [K. of H. comes forward in same man- ner^] The White Knight, called the Joker, otherwise the Best Bower, the Hero of the West, and Crown Prince of Euchre ! [Joker same.] Her. [to them.] Most noble gentlemen, you pledge your honor that you have not seen the papers ; that you have no jokers, ponies, cribs, or other illegal assistance about you ; that you have not unduly crammed for this examination ; and that you have no bets pending on the result. ACT III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 25 All. We do. K. of H. [to K. of D.] Say, Diamonds, will you bet ? K. of D. I never do. K. of H. The more fool you. Fairy [to Kls t g, Queen, andAcR~\. Xow, you all prom- ise to be satisfied with the event, and accept the successful man ? King [with some confusion"]. Yes. Queen [with regret]. Yes. Ace [timidly, yet with confidence]. Oh, yes! Fairy. Then forward to the fray, and may the best man win. Herald, bid the trumpet sound, and order the contestants to proceed. [Gives papers to the Herald. Trumpet sounds.] Her. [reads]. Sing an air from some Italian opera. [K. of D. sings.] A. of S. [aside to girls]. He must win. They can't do better than that. A. of C. Perhaps you wish he wouldn't win. A. of S. [confused]. Oh ! I don't care. King. Bravo, Diamonds I Magnificent ! Grand ! Such intelligence ! The perfection ot Art ! Queen. Pshaw ! but there's no soul in it. His deliv- ery was wretched, and his F was flat. King. There ! I knew you'd be trying to influence the umpire. Call the Queen to order. Fairy. Your majesties should both be quiet. King. l>nt she's trying to prejudice — Queen. But you began it. King. I didn't say a word. Queen. Oh, you did ! Fairy. There, there, my dears, let them go on. Her. Silence in the lists ! [K. of H. sings. Ajyplause.] King [to Queen]. Oh, such execrable singing ! Queen. 'Twas exquisite, — so tender and sweet ! You have no taste in music; and, then, you're so prejudiced. King. How absurd ! A. of C. [to A. of D.]. Xow it's your turn to despair. A. of D. Oh ! he'll never Avin any prize. He's too gay and good-natured. But he sings well enough, for a man. I shouldn't like to have him sing too well. A. of C. I suppose not. He might win if he did. 26 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. [White Knight sings. All silent for a few seconds ; then a concerted, long-drawn sigh.'] King [recovering']' ^ l & J ou ever hear such a ridicu- lous performance ? Queen. Oh ! 'twas hideous. A. of D. [ aside, to ladies]. Divine, enchanting, rap- turous ! Such delicacy, such power, such expression ! He sings pianissimo as daintily as the Apollo Club, and his forte is like Thomas' brass in Tannhatiser. I hope he'll win. A. of C. Yes, for then Hearts will lose. And there may be a sequel to Rejected Addresses. A. of S. If it had been your case, there never would have been any rejected addresses at all. A. of C. Bah ! I never heard of any in your case. Herald. The contestants will each dance a pas seul. Knave of D. I am a little lame this evening, and my physician prohibits dancing. King. Stuff! nonsense! Go in, Diamonds, and crush them with something immense. K. of D. [aside]. I really don't know how, your majesty. King [with suppressed rage, aside], I discard you. Such a fiasco ! A. of C. [to A. of S.] There, . your stock is looking up now. Queen [to King]. Oh, yours is a nice man, isn't he ? King. Dancing is absurd for a man, — low, out of fash- ion. It don't count. Queen. Low, indeed! They say Bismarck danced at a festival lately with all the girls on his estate. Wait till Hearts dances. [Hearts dances. Applause^] Queen. There ! What did I tell you ! Oh ! such grace! such agility! King [vexed]. Bah ! A. of 0. [to A. of D.]. Aren't you a little afraid he'll win? A. of D. Pooh I I should like to see him ! [W. K. dances. Applause^] A. of C. [aside], I knew he would. He danced so last summer. 'Twas heavenly. Herald. The Fairy Heartsease herself will now pro- pound the conundrums. Fairy. How many men did the King of France have ACT II r. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 2 < after lie marched up the hill with twenty thousand men, and then marched down again? K. of D. Twenty thousand. It's only a catch. King. Shrewd fellow, that Diamonds. Queen. But that's not the answer. King. Of course it is. Fairy. Silence ! K. of II. Twenty thousand and two. He made high and then low, — that counts him two. Queen. There ! there's some ingenuity in that ! Fairy [to W. K.]. What do you say ? W. K. Twenty-two thousand, of course. A march adds two to the score. [Applause. King and Queen look blank."] Ace. How did he know that ? It wasn't in the book I sent him. Fairy. Why is a London hansom cab like a Shanghae rooster. K. of D. Hm ! Because it's higher behind than it is before. K. of H. I'll give it up. No! because it is big enough for two, but isn't big enough for four. W. K. Xo, because it is not a coach-in-china. A. of D. Oh, how clever ! Queen. Isn't he bright? but then he can't dance. Hearts beats him in that. Fairy. How does a wild goose find his course in his migrations ? King. Oh, that isn't fair. That's Natural History. Queen. Oh ! they ought to know it. Hearts will, I am sure. K. of D. He don't. He never loses it. K. of H. Oh, pshaw ! That isn't it. It's because he always has a beak-on to guide him. W. K. Exactly ; and he always keeps it on-a-head. [Applause.] [By-play of Ace throughout, apparently modest and timid, but intensely interested, and changing con- stantly. Confident, however, all the time.] [Herald hands papers to Fairy.] Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! The decision is about to be given. Long live his majesty King of Hearts ! Fairy. The White Knight has scored 981 to Dia- 28 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. monds' 673, and Hearts' 755, and wins. Your majesties, I present you your future son-in-law. • King [aside]. Deuce take the fellow ! And that beg- garly Diamonds! why didn't he exert himself? [King comes forward and congratidates him, shaking hands. The others go sulkily, Diamonds to right of performers, Hearts to left, Joker in middle front.] I am pleased to add to my family a young man of so spotless a char- acter. [Aside.] He's not so bad after all, though I had set my heart on Diamonds. I am glad it wasn't Hearts. [King goes over to Diamonds and converses, com- forting him. Queen comes forward, and offers Joker her hand, which he kisses.] Queen. Peerless young man! I congratulate you. [Beckons to Ace, who comes forward?] My daughter, receive your betrothed. [Aside.] Poor ' Hearts ! I am so disappointed in him ! But he is so unlucky ! I am glad, any way, it isn't Diamonds. [Ace and W. K. em- brace.] Ace. [aside to W. K.] I knew you'd win. You're so clever. W. K. [aside]. It was your gift and love inspired me. Those tarts — [Queen goes to talk to Hearts.] Ace [surprised, aside]. But I didn't — Queen [interrupting]. Now let's have the dance. [They take places. Dance a minuet. By-play between Knave of Hearts and Ace of Dia- monds.] Queen [after the dance], I am so hungry. Ten, bring in the refreshments. Ace. Oh, no, mamma! let's dance again. I am not hungry at all. [ To Joker.] Are you ? W. K. [with an effort], No, of course not. Queen. You silly grasshoppers, you may feed on dew. I can't. Miter Ten in a fright. Ten. May it please your majesty, the tarts are gone. All [shriek]. Gone ! King [in a passion]. What ho ! the headsman ! It's damnable treason. They were made by our own con- sort's royal hands. It's heresy, sacrilege, sedition, privy conspiracy, and rebellion. W. K. [agitated, to Ace]. What? were those the royal tarts? ACT III. TIIE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 29 Ace [convulsed]* And you ate them! Oh, horror! We are lost! W. K. Say not a word. I'll shield you. Ace [cries out]. It was not he. It was all a mistake. [Faints in his arms, and is removed by two Pages.] K. of II . [to Queen]. Certainly it was the Joker. Queen. It must be he. K. of D. [to King]. It was the Joker. We saw him in the apartment. King. It can only be he. And our intended son-in- law ! 'Fore George ! 'tis parricide ! Guards, to the block with him ! K. of H. I say, Diamonds, this is too rough. Let's get him off. K. of D. [aside]. Hold your tongue, or I'll expose you. W. K. I refuse not the axe ; but the law requires a trial. King. Zounds! he's right! he's right! That trifle of detail had escaped me. But it's sound law, eh, Dia- monds ? K. of D. True, true, your majesty, he has that right, but it amounts to nothing. We'll convict him easily. The proof is damning. King. Good ! Bring me my robe and wig. I'll sit as judge and try him on the spot. Queen. I thank your majesty. My honor will be avenged. [Aside.] I wish the youth had been less comely. 'Twere a pity, too, to sever so melodious a windpipe. [King puts on his robe and wig.] King. Herald, open the court. Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! This supreme court of the Kingdom of Hearts is now open for business. The White Knight, called the Joker, come into court. W. K. Here. Herald [reads]. You are charged with having surrep- titiously, wickedly, and with malice aforethought, stolen, taken, and' carried away the sacred tarts, made by the anointed hands of her royal majesty ; against the laws of Hoyle in such cases made and provided ; and contrary to the tenor of the nursery rhyme handed down from time immemorial. Long live his majesty, King of Hearts ! W. K. May it please your majesty, I call for a bill of particulars. 30 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. King. Say, Diamonds, is it regular ? K. of D. Your majesty must not allow it. King. The demand is refused. W of K. I appeal. King. Of course he can appeal, Diamonds ? K. of D. No, he can't, your majesty. King. Gad ! how troublesome this law is ! I revoke the order then. All. But you can't revoke. It's against the rules. King. Confound the wretched law ! Fairy, what shall I do? Fairy. What a fool you are to attempt this human way of trying cases ! It never succeeds. The guilty ones always get off, and the innocent ones are convicted. Try the case as becomes the King of Hearts. Let the prisoner turn a card. If he turn a red one, he is inno- cent. If he turn a black one, he is guilty. That's much more likely to be right. King. Just the thing ! We'll do it. Bring the cards. [ W. K. turns a card and holds it up^] All. Red ! He's innocent. King. Charming ! How simple ! Now it is all right. Go on with the dancing. Queen. But somebody must have stolen the tarts. King. Oh, bother ! there's a new trouble. Of course, somebody must. Try the cards again. We'll all cut, and the lowest is guilty. [ They all cut, and give the names of their cards. Nobody has loioer than three. Two Knaves come last, and cut deuces']. King. It's between the two rivals. Try again. [ They cut deuces again. They cut again, and cut deuces a third time']. King. Faith, they're both guilty. W. K. May it please your majesty — \_As soon as he begins to speak, the Knaves slink behind the two pillars and change their costume]. W. K. I received the tarts by a messenger, pretend- ing to come from the Princess. I thought she must have sent them. Ace. {coming to], I never sent them. I thought you took them. ACT III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 31 % W. K. And now I think of it, 'twas yonder Knave of Hearts that brought them in disguise. King. It is a conspiracy of these varlets. Where are they? We'll have their heads off instead. Ho! guards, pursue them. Fairy. Stop ! never mind your clumsy executioners. I'll do it for you much better than that. [ Waves wand an instant. Pillars vanish, and the Knaves are seen turned into candelabra, holding lights.'] There ! they will show the way now, if they never took it themselves. A. of S. and A. of D. [to Fairy]. Now, dear fairy, don't be too hard upon them. It's a pity to waste young men in this way, when there are so few. Please pardon them. Queen. Oh, yes ! we can't go on with the party with- out them. Ace. Yes, do ! Our play will be a tragedy if it doesn't come out well, and I never could like tragedy. A. of S. and A. of D. We'll vouch for them. Fairy. Well, go and swear them to good behavior. A of S. and A. of D. \_go towards the candelabra]. Hold up your right hands. A. of I). Oh ! you have got them up already. A. of S. You solemnly swear to be excellent young men, to be very kind and attentive, and never plot any more, nor steal any more, nor smoke, nor do any thing that isn't nice, as long as you live. [ They nod as statues]. [ To Fairy.] There, they promise, you see. Fairy [waves her wand]. Now go and take them. [ They go and put their hands on their arms. The can- delabra wake up with a start, and make love to the Aces.] K. of H. [to A. of D.]. But I didn't know .you cared for me. You told me once you didn't. A. of D. Yes, but then — well — perhaps — I think I must have been mistaken. K. of D. [to A. of S.] By Jove ! Spades, how hand- some you are ! You're a thousand times better than the Princess. A. of S. And will you promise never to look at her any more ? K. of D. Never ! And do you care for me ? A. of S. I suppose I ought not to, but I can't always do what I ought, can you ? 32 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. K. of D. I'll try hereafter any way, if you will care for me still. [Demonstration of affection^ Ten [to Ace of Clubs]. My dear Clubs, we must each take the odd card, you see. A. of C. I don't see why I should refuse you. The Ten is as good as the court cards in cribbage, and we may count it so, even if we are beyond the crib-age. [Ten takes her hand.~] Fairy. There ! your majesty. It has all come right at last, and they are well paired. So you must pardon the bad ones and bless them all, and then you can go on with the dancing. [ They take their places. ~\ King. So I do, I am sure. And it's not a bad lot after all. Let's see, fifteen two, fifteen four, three common pairs six, and one pair royal, — sixteen, — and two for that knave's heels eighteen. That's my hand. Now [to audi- ence'] show yours. Music. Curtain. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 021 100 877 5