French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Col- 
 onies, and the United States) Edition of the 
 Works of the Best Authors 
 
 No. 399 
 
 SPflRKS DIVINE 
 
 B Comedy in ®ne Bet 
 
 BY 
 
 ;SIE SPRENQER BREENE 
 
 Copyright, 1920, by Samuel French 
 
 Amateurs may produce this play without payment of 
 royalty. All other rights reserved. 
 
 ^ 
 
 PRICE, 30 CENTS 
 
 X E W Y O I i K i^U N D o N 
 
 Samuel French Samuel French, Ltd. 
 
 Pui>li.sher 2C, Southampton Stiff. 
 
 28-30 West 38th Street Strand 
 
 ."^.^..i^-A^..^.. 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 
 
 By 
 
 BESSIE SPRINGER BREENE 
 
 Copyright, 1920, by Samuel French 
 
 Amateurs may produce this play without payment of 
 royalty. All other rights reserved. 
 
 New York: 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 Publisher 
 
 28-30 West 38th Street 
 
 London : 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
 26 Southampton Street 
 Strand 
 
1^1-$^" 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS 
 
 (In the order of their appearance) 
 
 Jane Woods, the housekeeper. 
 
 Patience Henderson, afflicted of the Lord. 
 
 Minnie JENKS, ) ^-^^ ^^^ ^^^^^ 
 
 Jennie Jenks, f 
 
 Mrs. J. F. Miles-Homer, nee Smith. 
 
 Sylvia Branscome, still looking *em over. 
 
 Susan Tomkins, the militant. 
 
 Mrs. John Roscoe, who wields the social sceptre. 
 
 Mrs. Montrose Montgomery, grass or sod. 
 
 Ann Prescott Larking, from Hinckley. 
 
 OEC -I IS20 
 
 ©CI.0 56151 
 
Sparks Divine 
 
 Scene. Sitting-room in the rectory at Hustling 
 Corners, Iowa, g.oo P. M. A room plainly 
 ftirnishe'd, with tan walls. At l. and r., win- 
 dows, neatly curtained. In back at c. a fire- 
 place. On the mantel above is a picture of 
 Daniel in the lions' den, or some such kindred 
 subject, a clock and a pair of vases. At l. of 
 fireplace a door leading to hall. In front of 
 windozv l. a flat-top desk, with a student lamp 
 and an ink-well of ancient appearance. A 
 chair in front of the desk. Before the fire- 
 place two chairs, one a morris chair, and the 
 other wicker. In the corner R. near the win- 
 dow, an upright piano. (Note. If an old 
 square piano can be obtained so much the bet- 
 ter.) Old ''tidies" are on each chair. Near 
 the piano another armchair. At c. near foot- 
 lights a marble-top walnut table, with a large 
 Bible and Hymnal on it and another lamp, also 
 brass, like the student lamp, and with a yellow 
 glass shade. A worn carpet covers the floor, 
 zvith a rug at the fireplace. On the curtain, the 
 fire is laid, but not lighted, the furniture is cov- 
 ered zvith sheets, and the stage is completely 
 darkened, except the moonlight that comes in at 
 the windozvs. Under the door l.c. there is a 
 thread of light, and when this door is opened, 
 there is a light, but not a bright one, out in the 
 hall. Directly opposite the door in the hall is 
 an old style walnut hat and umbrella rack. 
 5 
 
6 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 As the curtain rises, enter at once l.c. Jane Woods. 
 Plump, capable, in a washable house dress and 
 an apron, and followed by Patience Hen- 
 derson, wearing an old-fashioned dark dress 
 and with a shazvl over her head, which she 
 drops down on her shoulders, and gathers 
 around her with dignity. She has a slow, re- 
 signed zvay of talking, and heaves frequent 
 sighs. She is in marked contrast to the hust- 
 ling, crisp-speaking Jane. They enter talking. 
 
 Jane. (Fussily) Dear me, dear me. Why 
 didn't they give a body notice? Here am I, with 
 not a dirty room in this house clean. 
 
 Patience. (Melancholy tone) No doubt it was 
 the hand of Providence. Yes, I'm sure it was. 
 (Sits at R. of table at c.) If I had not heard that 
 telephone ring 
 
 Jane. (Lighting the lamps. Lights up) It's a 
 mercy that there fire's laid. (Each interrupts the 
 other continually ) 
 
 Patience. (Gathering the shawl around her) I 
 was just dozing off, after readin' a chapter in Job. 
 I always read Job, before I go to sleep. It keeps 
 so clear in my mind. Job does, that life is short, 
 and time is fleetin', and that we are ALL but 
 flesli 
 
 Jane. Guess I might as well light up that fire, 
 and git the place warmed up. (Kneels down and 
 lights the fire) 
 
 Patience. (Rising and crossing, to morris chair 
 at fire, where she sits funereally ) I was just dozin' 
 off as I says, thinkin' of that verse in Job I had 
 been readin', mebbe you know it, it's a great favor- 
 ite of mine. (Quotes in a sepulchral voice) "My 
 bones are pinched in me, in the night season, and 
 my sinews take no rest." TJane, who is paying no 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 7 
 
 attention, rises after lighting the fire, and exits L.c. 
 and returns with the carpetsweeper, which she runs 
 vigorously ) I was lyin' there, thinkin' how apt, 
 how very apt that there verse was to my own con- 
 ditions. I've had the worst pain in my shoulder 
 these last three days. 
 
 Jane. (Running the sweeper) I'll just give this 
 room a lick and a promise, and to-morrow I'll get 
 it real clean. 
 
 Patience. (As though Jane had not spoken) 
 
 When the telephone rang, and I ("Jane whips 
 
 covers off furniture) 
 
 Jane. (Running sweeper) It's no way fer the 
 committee to do. Why, we didn't even know they 
 had decided on the new minister, and now you get 
 a telegram, a telegram, mind you, sayin' he's comin' 
 on the night train. (Runs the sweeper under Pa- 
 tience's legs) 
 
 Patience. My FEET are under there, Jane 
 Woods. 
 
 Jane. Well, git' 'em out of the way. I ain't got 
 no time fer chewin' the rag. Did you call up the 
 rest of the women ? 
 
 Patience. (Stiffly) I trust I know- 
 
 Jane. If you ain't called 'em, do it right ofif. 
 My land, they're the committee, ain't they, and even 
 if 'tis nine o'clock at night, I'm goin' to need help 
 to git this house ready for the new mmister. 
 What time's he goin' to get in ? 
 
 Patience. 'Bout ten o'clock, the telegram said. 
 
 Jane. Dear me, there it is, only an hour. Call 
 up the women 
 
 Patience. I have already notified the members 
 of the Ladies' Aid. My part is done, my labor is 
 over, and now I trust I may rest, as well as any- 
 body can in this weary world. (Sighs) 
 
 Jane. (Dropping sweeper handle) Why didn't 
 
8 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 you say so in the first place? As fer restin' though, 
 you're in the wrong place, so get a move on. and 
 help me git this place cleaned. (Bell rings) There's 
 somebody now. (Exits hurriedly l.c. Voices off, 
 and re-enter Jane, followed by Jennie and Minnie 
 Jenks. Both are dressed alike in a dark skirt, and 
 shirtwaist, with a white collar. They wear coats 
 and scarfs over their heads. They divest them- 
 selves of the coats and scarfs during what follows, 
 and put them on the chair near piano. They are 
 both fussily quick in their movements, and speak 
 very fast. In fact their words pour out in a never- 
 ceasing stream, one taking the words literally out of 
 the other's mouth, so that no sentence is complete 
 without both talking. They talk loudly, and pause 
 for breath which is taken audibly. Both carry bun- 
 dles) 
 
 Jennie. (Fast and shrill) For goodness' sake, 
 what on earth is up? 
 
 Minnie, I heard that telephone ring, and I said 
 to Jennie 
 
 Jennie. — There's the telephone a-ringing, 
 Minnie says to me. Well, answer it. I says 
 
 Minnie. I hate to get out on the 
 
 Jennie. Cold floor. 
 
 Jane. (Same business with sweeper) Was you 
 in bed? 
 
 Patience. It was nearly nine o'clock when I 
 telephoned. Certainly they were in bed. At a late 
 hour like that, they would have retired. Of course, 
 Mrs. Montgomery was up 
 
 Minnie. That woman's always up 
 
 Jennie. I see that light of hers a-goin' all 
 hours 
 
 Patience. She is a widow, I understand- 
 
 Minnie. But what I want to know is : is she a 
 
 tombstone widow, or — — 
 
SfPARKS DIVINE 9 
 
 Jennie. One of them that man has put asun- 
 der ? 
 
 Jane. Well, get your things off, and get to 
 work 
 
 Jennie. Minnie, I says, get up and answer that 
 
 phone, mebbe somebody's dead — so she ("Jane 
 
 exits and returns with mop) 
 
 Minnie. I got up and answered and Miss Hen- 
 derson says to 
 
 Jennie. — come right over to the rectory, the 
 new 
 
 Minnie. — minister's comin', and here 
 
 (Sits on piano stool. Jane runs mop around) 
 
 Jennie. — we are. (Bell rings. Jane drops 
 mop and exits. Voices in hall, and enter M.'rs. J. T. 
 Miles-Homer, well dressed in a dark silk dress, an 
 elaborate hat, much jewelry, and a fur coat. She 
 wears gloves which she draws off carefully and 
 places with her coat on top of piano. She has a 
 lorgnette which she makes frequent use of, and has 
 a much affected and what is meant to he a society 
 air, as she imagines it to he. She has a great deal 
 of acquired dignity, hut a dignity very different 
 from that of Patience J 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Gazing through lorgnette at 
 Jane J Now, let me — ah, get this straight. (Turns, 
 as Jane is hehind her, and then turning again, sees 
 the others) Ah, good evening, ah, Mrs. Hender- 
 son. Miss Jenks. (Bows to hoth in a condescend- 
 ing manner. Patience, still sitting, hows in re- 
 turn, the girls nod. Jennie rises) This is rather 
 a hasty call, is it not ? f Jane, getting more hurried, 
 runs the mop) I trust you have not failed to notify 
 our dear -Mrs. Roscoe? (Is taking off her wraps) 
 
 Patience. (Stiffly) I notified every one on the 
 committee, Mrs. Homer. I always do my duty, no 
 matter how painful. 
 
10 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Lorgnette business) Quite so, 
 quite so. (Sits at l. of table down c.) 
 
 Minnie. (From the piano stool) Will there be 
 a reception committee at 
 
 Jennie. (On edge of chair near piano where 
 their wraps are) — the depot? (Bell rings, Jane 
 throws down the mop and exits. Voices in the hall) 
 Somebody's comin'. 
 
 Minnie. (Listening) It's that Sylvia Brans- 
 come 
 
 (Enter Sylvia, carrying a paper of flowers. She 
 wears a coat and hat, and furs. High white 
 shoes, white gloves and a fur neck-piece. She 
 has a certain vivacity of manner, and has an 
 air of thinking very well of herself indeed. 
 She is not young, neither is she old, but ap- 
 pears to be older than her manner of dressing 
 would indicate, at a first glance) 
 
 Sylvia. (Entering kittenishly) Isn't this per- 
 fectly thrilling! A new minister at last. Hello, 
 everybody. (Underscored words are as she speaks 
 them, all in italics) 
 
 Mrs. Homer. Good evening, Miss Brans- 
 come. 
 
 Minnie. (Eagerly) The minister — ^he isn't 
 married 
 
 Jennie. He's single. When that telephone rang, 
 I says 
 
 Minnie. I asked right away, didn't I, Miss 
 Henderson ? 
 
 Jennie. I heard Minnie say, "A new minister, 
 when's he comin' ?" 
 
 Minnie. Miss Henderson says, "He'll be in to- 
 night " 
 
 Jennie. Deacon Brown sent a telegram 
 
SPARKS DIVINE ii 
 
 Minnie. And it said TJane enters and be- 
 gins again with mop) 
 
 Patience. Seein' as / got the message, I might 
 as well tell what did happen 
 
 Jennie. (Unheeding) And then Minnie sez, 
 "Is he married?" 
 
 Minnie. Is he married, I sez. Qane pokes 
 mop under Mrs. Homerj 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Lifting her feet hastily) My 
 good woman, be more careful- 
 
 Jane. (Sullenly) I ain't no good woman- 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Putting her in her place with 
 the lorgnette) I certainly trust you are not a bad 
 one. (Leans hack in seat. Jane glares. Bell rings 
 to interrupt her reply, and she exits with mop. 
 Voices off) 
 
 Sylvia. (Who has been removing her wraps 
 and puts them on seat near piano) It's going to 
 lend a real zest to church work having a bachelor 
 minister. (Giggles, and then fully conscious of the 
 impression she is creating, she removes her coat to 
 disclose a very dizzy silk dress of a vivid pink. 
 This she smoothes down complacently, zvhile the 
 Misses Jenks look awestruck) 
 
 (Enter Susan, self-reliant, mannish manner. 
 Wears plain dark skirt and coat, and a man's 
 style shirt with a stiff collar and black bow tie. 
 Hair plain, severe hat, horn-rim glasses. Ca- 
 pable-looking handbag, and heavy gloves that 
 she is stuffing into pockets. Jane follows with 
 duster, and dusts furiously, pushing everyone 
 aside) 
 
 Susan. (Stamping in) Well, what's doing? I 
 couldn't make head or tail of that old Henderson's 
 cackling over the phone. (Patience, full of of- 
 
12 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 fence, rises) Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Henderson, I 
 didn't see you. (Sits on arm of chair at grate) 
 Whafsup? 
 
 Sylvia. (Eagerly) There's a new minister, 
 Susan 
 
 Jennie. — and he's coming — 
 Minnie. — to-night. Deacon- 
 Jennie. — Brown telegraphed- 
 Minnie. — Mrs. Henderson- 
 
 Sylvia and Jennie. (Together) He isn't mar- 
 ried — ^he's single. 
 
 Minnie. And he's 
 
 Sylvia (Stamping her foot a little) For good- 
 ness' sakes, let me get a word in, will you ? 
 
 Jennie. (Unheeding) We know all about it, 
 because 
 
 Minnie. — Miss Henderson told us- 
 
 Jennie. And he's — f Minnie joins on last zvord) 
 ' — Single. 
 
 Susan. Is his single-blessedness his only quali- 
 fication ? 
 
 Patience. (Who has sat stiffly at r. of table) 
 He is in the Lord's hands. 
 
 Susan. He needs to be, in this old maids' roost. 
 
 Sylvia. (Cuttingly) Please do not put me in 
 your own class, dear. 
 
 Susan. I'm not, darling. ("Sylvia flounces to 
 piano) So this hurry-up call is 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (With more dignity than ever) 
 If I might be allowed to get a word in edgewise, the 
 situation is this — the committee, headed by Deacon 
 Brown, went 
 
 Jennie. — to Hinckley Falls 
 
 Minnie. — to hear him preach. 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Louder) Having heard him,, 
 and foundhim satisfactory, they gave him a call 
 
 Jennie. — they invited him to come — — 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 13 
 
 Minnie. — to this church. ("Mrs. Homer raises 
 4ier lorgnette and gives up the job in disgust) 
 
 Sylvia. He accepted, of course 
 
 Jennie. — and he's comin' 
 
 Minnie. — to-night- 
 
 Jennie. And he isn't- 
 Minnie. — he isn't- 
 
 SusAN. (Laughing) — married. TJane, who 
 has been dusting vigorously, has pushed Mrs. 
 Homer aside, who glares at her, knocked into Mrs. 
 Henderson, who looks afflicted, and slams down 
 the hymnals on the table, nozv pauses, hands on 
 hips) 
 
 Jane. He's comin' to-night, and I got the whole 
 house to clean, and an almighty short time to do it 
 in. 
 
 Mrs. Henderson. Is it possible that I hear you 
 taking the name of the Lord in vain? (Bellj^ings. 
 Jane flings down the duster and exits. Voices R. 
 Re-enter Jane, this time showing in Mrs. Roscoe, 
 toward whom her manner is most respectful. Mrs. 
 Roscoe enters very briskly, and business-like. She 
 is here to accomplish something. She wears a silk 
 dress, a fur coat, and a very fancy scarf over her] 
 hair, which scarf she at once unwinds, Mrs. 
 Homer, who has risen, springing to help her. Mrs. 
 Roscoe is aware of her importance, and shows it, 
 yet while she has lots of dignity, it is not the over- 
 exaggerated sort that Mrs. Homer exhibits. Mrs. 
 Homer is decidedly off her high horse now. Sylvia 
 is at the desk, Minnie on piano stool, Jennie be- 
 side her, Susan on arm of chair at fire. Patience 
 at R. of table c.) 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (With the cordiality of her un- 
 assailable social position) Good evening, ladies. 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Helping her with the scarf) L6t 
 ME help you. f Mrs. Roscoe murmurs "Thanks" ) 
 
14 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 I trust, dear Mrs. Roscoe, that you have not been 
 unduly disturbed by this sudden call- 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Graciously) Oh, no, no 
 
 (Puts scarf on fireplace) 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Pulling forward the morris 
 chair at fire) Sit here, dear Mrs. Roscoe, and 
 rest 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Sinking grandly into it) Thank 
 you, Mrs. Homer. (Leans forward) Now, Mrs. 
 Henderson, from the message that my maid took 
 from you over the telephone, I gather that the com- 
 mittee, headed by Mr. Brown, has not only decided- 
 upon a minister, but- 
 
 Jennie. He's on the way 
 
 Minnie. — here, now. 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Waving them into silence, with 
 horror at their temerity) Exactly, Mrs. Roscoe. 
 
 Jane. (Who has been standing at the door, 
 fidgeting) He'll be here any time now, and the 
 house ain't cleaned, or 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Rising) Then we must take 
 charge here, at once, and 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Eagerly) We are at your serv- 
 ice, Mrs. Roscoe, for we know that you, always in 
 the lead, in these matters, as well as in all things 
 social 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Cutting her short by turning to 
 Janej What has been done toward getting the 
 house in readiness? 
 
 Jane. I'VE done all I could, ma'am, but there's 
 a lot as has set around, workin' their jaws, and 
 that's about all. 
 
 Sylvia. (Simpering, as she crosses enerqetically 
 to piano) I have brought some flowers. (Unziraps 
 them, and discloses an assorted bouquet that is 
 somewhat wilted) If you will get me some va^es, 
 Jane, we will dispose them about the roo.m. ("Mrs. 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 15 
 
 RoscoE inspects room with a comprehensive glance 
 and sweeps out, followed by Mrs. HomerJ 
 
 Susan. (Swings her foot) They're kinda wilted 
 seems to me, but they'll pass. 
 
 Sylvia. (Angrily) Wilted? They are fresh 
 every morning. Every morning my unknown ad- 
 mirer 
 
 Susan. What do you mean'unknown? 
 
 Sylvia. Unknown to all except myself 
 
 Susan. Oh, I see (Is amused) 
 
 Jennie. (With a sarcastic laugh) I guess that's 
 right. She sends them to herself, I'll bet. 
 
 Minnie. Sure 
 
 Sylvia. (Sharply) What's that? 
 
 Susan. (Rising) Well, this isn't getting this 
 place clean. What can I do, Jane ? CJane, who has 
 been setting chairs to rights, and arranging curtains, 
 comes to c.) 
 
 Jane. You can run that mop around out in the 
 hall, Miss Tomkins 
 
 Susan. (Dramatically) Give ME the mop 
 
 (Seises mop and exits) 
 
 Sylvia. Where are the vases ? These won't do. 
 Get me something. 
 
 Jane. They's some out in the kitchen. Git 'em 
 yourself. I ain't no waitress (To Mrs. Hen- 
 derson j And say, if you ain't growed to that spot, 
 YOU might do something, Patience Henderson. 
 ^YLViA, tossing her head, exits) 
 
 Patience. (Rising, and in a resigned tone) I 
 see my duty, as always. The Lord hath laid a 
 heavy burden upon me 
 
 Jane. I'm goin' to get out some clean sheets fer 
 the minister's bed, and you kin make it up. (Exit 
 briskly, and Patience follows wearily. Bell rings. 
 Voices. Jennie runs to door and returns) 
 
 Jennie. That's that flip widow 
 
i6 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 Minnie. Where did she come from anyhow? 
 
 Jennie. (On piano stool) What's she livin' 
 on, I'd like to know, all dressed up all the 
 time? 
 
 Minnie. The question I'M asking is: is she 
 grass or sod? ("Sylvia and Mrs. Montgomery 
 meet at door of hall, Sylvia carrying vases, Mrs. 
 Montgomery a plate covered with a napkin) 
 
 Sylvia. (Stiffly, and entering) Good evening. 
 
 /"Mrs. Montgomery enters, hearing the plate care- 
 fully. She is all dressed in black, with white 
 collars and cuffs, and has on a coat sweater 
 also black, and no hat. Her hair is artfully 
 arranged, and she is rouged noticeably ) 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Who has caught the stiff- 
 ness in Sylvia's manner and tone) Howdy do, 
 Miss Branscome. It IS MISS Branscome still, is it 
 not? (Sweetly) And here are the MISSES Jenks 
 — well, this is quite a gathering. ("Sylvia flounces 
 to piano, where she has laid the flowers and begins 
 arranging them in a vase. Mrs. Montgomery 
 comes to table c. and places the covered plate on the 
 table carefully at r. of fire. Jane is seen to run 
 back and forth in hall, during what follows) 
 
 Susan. (Appearing at door, wiping her brow, 
 and holding her mop) Phew, and they say woman's 
 place is in the home 
 
 Jennie. (Who has been arranging things on 
 desk) And where else ("Minnie joining on last 
 word) is it ? 
 
 Susan. (As though a red rag had been waved 
 at a bull, and entering with mop, which she brand- 
 ishes) This is the slavery that will next be abol- 
 ished. This tying women to the juggernaut o£ 
 housework 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 17 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Sweetly) One is not tied 
 to the juggernaut, my dear, one is thrown under 
 it 
 
 Susan. Piffle. Think of the energy that I have 
 wasted, right here, for instance, pushing this mop 
 around that hall. Energy enough has been con- 
 sumed to make a speech, and a corking good one 
 at that — for the cause. * 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. What cause is that? (Pol- 
 ishes nails) 
 
 Susan, (Belligerently) Don't you believe in 
 women having the vote? 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Oh, certainly. 
 
 Susan. I am proud to say that I was one of the 
 martyrs who went to prison for that cause. I went 
 to prison for picketing the White House." Epr my 
 principles, I willingly went to jail 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. But, my dear, going to jail 
 is so ordinary. Everybody's doing that. 
 
 Jennie and Minnie. ("Minnie at piano, Jen- 
 nie at desk) Doing what? f Sylvia, who is ar- 
 ranging flozvers in vases, puts one on table and 
 viezi's the effect, and then does the same with the 
 other vaseful, putting that on piano) 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Going to jail for one's prin- 
 ciples 
 
 Susan. And how do you make that out? 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Well, you women went to 
 jail for your principles, and burglars go to jail for 
 theirs, and the Reds go to jail for theirs. The 
 only difference i'fe that the women want the vote, 
 and the burglar wants your watch, and the Reds 
 want the earth, so there you are. 
 
 Susan. You have never felt the exhilaration of 
 a martyr, then. You have never felt the blood 
 course madly through your veins, as you sat in your 
 gloomy cell = 
 
i8 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (With a shudder) I should 
 say not. I'd a lot rather feel the hot water cours- 
 ing madly through the furnace pipes, in my own 
 
 little flat. Jails are chilly (To Sylviaj The 
 
 effect is charming, my dear, I'm sure, but he will 
 never see those flowers. 
 
 Sylvia. Why not? 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Men hate flowers around. 
 
 Jennie. (Exchanging glances with Minnie, and 
 crossing to the piano, where she takes down the 
 
 parcel she has brought) Well, we've brought 
 
 f Minnie takes down her parcel) 
 
 Minnie. We have 
 
 Sylvia. (With sarcasm) I dare say YOU are 
 posted. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Loftily) I know all about 
 it. 
 
 Sylvia. Indeed. I suppose your husband didn't 
 happen to like flowers and so 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. He was very fond of one 
 kind 
 
 Sylvia. And those were ("Susan sits on 
 
 arm of chair l.J 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Sweetly) Cauliflower, 
 dear one. 
 
 Sylvia. (Going to desk with a toss of her head) 
 You think you're very funny, don't you ? 
 
 Minnie. (Unwrapping parcel) We have a little 
 offering here 
 
 Jennie. (Opening her parcel) We made them 
 ourselves (She produces a knitted scarf, Min- 
 nie a pair of wristlets) . 
 
 Susan. Gadzooks. (Laughs) 
 Sylvia. What is it? A scarf and wristlets? 
 How very plebeian. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. You're closer than dear 
 Miss Branscome. at that. 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 19 
 
 Sylvia. In what way, Mrs. Montgomery ? (Ris- 
 ing inflection) 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Uncovering her dish) But 
 I'm the closest yet in bringing what will please the 
 gentleman. (Discloses a pie) There. Feed the 
 brute, whether he be coal-heaver or minister: they 
 ALL like to eat. (Sits at table l. of c.) 
 
 Sylvia. Not at all. You are mistaken. The 
 type of man YOU doubtless have known may have 
 had only one thought and 
 
 Susan. (With a chuckle) —that was: "When 
 do we eat?" 
 
 Sylvia. But in my wide experience with men — 
 in my WIDE experience, as I have said, I have 
 found 
 
 Minnie. Wide— tee hee (Sits on piano 
 
 stool) 
 
 Jennie. Well, if that druggist clerk, and that 
 grocery boy 
 
 Minnie. If they was wide experiences 
 
 Jennie. And both of 'em got away 
 
 ^ Sylvia. I'd like to know who ever called on 
 either one of you? 
 
 Susan. There's another thing we women are 
 going to fix, when we get in power. We're going 
 to put an end to this haggling that goes on over 
 the men. Why, you sound like a couple of dogs 
 fighting over a bone, the way you are going on 
 about this poor, defenseless divinity student. Talk 
 about Daniel entering the lions' den, it isn't in 
 it. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. I quite agree with you, 
 Miss Tomkins. (Lip stick) 
 
 Jennie. Is that so ? 
 
 Minnie. W^hat's it to do with you? (To Mrs. 
 Montgomery^ 
 
 Sylvia. You've had one husband 
 
20 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Having her little joke} 
 Two, two, my dears. (Knocks note on piano) * 
 
 Sylvia, Minnie and Jennie. TWO! 
 
 Susan. That's not doing so worse- 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. And now I have selected 
 the minister for the third 
 
 Sylvia, Minnie and Jennie. The third ! 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Why, certainly. It is my 
 theory that one must have at least three husbands 
 before one can have an ideal married life — with the 
 last one, of course. In the first husband a woman 
 expects to have a comibination soul-mate, ladies' 
 maid, matinee idol, and bank-roll. In number two, 
 she will dispense with' everything but the bank- 
 roll; in number three she will take the soul-mate, 
 the intellectual companion, and live happily ever 
 after. Therefore I am now after the soul-mate, 
 alias the new divine. Behold the first shot from 
 my heavy artillery, guaranteed to bring him low at 
 the first broadside — this luscious, succulent pie. 
 
 (Enter Mrs. Roscoe, which puts a stop to the 
 heated protests about to begin from the Jenks 
 and Sylvia. Mrs. Homer now wearing an 
 apron, and followed by Patience, also arrayed 
 with a similar badge of labor) 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Looking about) Everything is 
 in good order now, I think, except this room. If 
 you ladies will set it to rights Is it dusted ? 
 
 Jennie. I'll dust 
 
 Minnie. (Indicates vases on the mantel) Those 
 vases need rubbin' up 
 
 (^Jane enters) 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. Is this room dusted ? 
 Jane. N6t all, ma'am. 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 21 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. Then get a duster, get a couple 
 
 of dusters- TJane hands duster she carries to 
 
 Jennie, zuho begins to dust, flicking the duster in 
 all directions. Jane pulls another cloth from 
 apron and gives, it to Minnie, who attacks the 
 ■vases on mantel. Sylvia restraightens desk. Mrs. 
 Homer, at door, raises lorgnette. Patience places 
 hymnals on piano and straightens Bible with a rev- 
 erent hand. Exit Jane j 
 
 Mrs. Homer. Dear Mrs. Roscoe, your wonder- 
 ful executive ability has, as usual, brought order 
 out of chaos. 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Indicating) What is that ar- 
 ticle? (Sees Mrs. Montgomery j Ah, Mrs. — 
 er 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Montgomery, Mrs. Mon- 
 trose Monjtgomery. 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. Ah, yes, quite so. And 
 this 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. My humble offering to the 
 
 new minister TJane runs by door with 
 
 sweeper) 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Lorgnette) Indeed? 
 
 SijSAN. Well, I hope he will see the lines out 
 for him soon enough to nibble a little of the bait 
 before he's hooked. 
 
 Patience. Lines ? Nibbles ? Are you aware 
 that you are speaking of our new Divine 
 
 Susan. Piffle — he's out for the cash like every- 
 body else. 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. Surely, Miss Tomkins ("Jane 
 
 enters zvith a table cover) Ah, Jane, yes, the cloth. 
 I thought we had a little luncheon laid out, here 
 before the fire 
 
 Mrs. Homer. So thoughtful of you, dear Mrs. 
 Roscoe. 
 
 Sylvia. (Taking cloth from Janej I'll set the 
 
22 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 table (Pushes pie aside, hut Mrs. Montgom- 
 ery rescues it and stands holding it at fire. Susan 
 still on arm of chair. As soon as Sylvia lays the 
 cloth Mrs. Montgomery puts the pie hack on the 
 tahle. Jane exits. Mrs. Roscoe pushes chairs 
 about, hut Mrs. Homer intervenes) 
 
 Mrs. Homer. Dear Mrs. Roscoe, do not exert 
 yourself. Let ME do that 
 
 Patience. (At piano, and beginning to sing 
 from hymnal) Ye shall walk and not be weary, ye 
 
 shall toil and not faint ('Mrs. Homer and 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe talk) 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. That's all right, Mrs. Homer, it's 
 quite all right. 
 
 Minnie. (To Jennie and Susan, at fire) Ain't 
 it sickenin' the way that Mrs. Homer toadies up to 
 Mrs. Roscoe? 
 
 Jennie. Just because she's got money 
 
 Susan. The startlingly rapid depreciation of the 
 circulating medium, in other words, cash, compels 
 us common people's grudging respect for those who 
 are able to amass a fortune of fifteen cents, or, and 
 
 make it last over night _even — therefore TJane 
 
 enters with a tray on which is a cup and saucer, 
 plate, knife and fork, spoon, napkin, and sugar and 
 creamer. She brings them to the table. Minnie 
 drops duster, Jennie ditto. Mrs. Montgomery 
 runs forward, Sylvia does the same, and they meet 
 with a collision at c. Minnie and Jennie, corning 
 down at the same time, run into them) 
 
 Jennie. (As she comes) Let me set the table — 
 Minnie, I'll set it. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. I insist upon doing it 
 
 (All together. Mrs. Homer raises lorgnette) 
 
 Patience. (Horrified and sitting on piano stool) 
 The Lord have mercy on their souls. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (Trying to drag tray from 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 23 
 
 Jane; Give me the tray ("Mrs. Roscoe looks 
 
 up) 
 
 Jennie. (Same business) I can set the 
 table 
 
 Minnie. No, sir, Jennie Jenks, I'm goin' 
 to 
 
 Jane. (Rescuing the tray) Are you all luna- 
 tics? 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. What seems to be the trouble? 
 (^Mrs. Roscoe is at l. well down, Mrs. Homer back 
 of her) 
 
 Susan. (Coming down R.c.j They're all after 
 the minister. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. (At c. back of table) You 
 haven't a chance 
 
 Sylvia, (^l. of table) Who hasn't? 
 
 Jennie. You're a mean old thing- 
 
 MiNNiE. It's a shame (All talk together, 
 
 hauling at tray) 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. Why, this is disgraceful — dis- 
 graceful 
 
 Mrs. Homer. I quite agree with you 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. I am astounded at such behavior 
 
 over a young man 
 
 Patience. (From piano stool) And one of 
 God's chosen 
 
 Susan. (Going up to fire) Let us sing one 
 verse of "Blest Be the Tie That Binds." 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Severely) It had not been my 
 intention to so announce it, but in view of the ex- 
 traordinary shall I say enthusiasm over the arrival 
 of this young man I feel it is wise to state, here 
 and now, that this young man is intended for my 
 daughter, Louise. 
 
 Sylvia. Your daughter? That 
 
 Jennie. Dowdy 
 
 Minnie. Homely old thing 
 
24 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. And with me here, she ex- 
 pects (Laughs) 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. My daughter is quiet and studi- 
 ous, and home-loving, religious and 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Homely 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Apparently not hearing) Just 
 the wife for a minister. 
 
 Mrs. Homer. Certainly MOST suitable, dear 
 Mrs. Roscoe. 
 
 Sylvia. Well, she won't get him 
 
 Jennie. (Beginning to sniff) It ain't fair to 
 have somebody all picked out for him 
 
 Minnie. (Also beginning to sniff) Before he 
 gets here, too. (Goes to piano) 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. No one will really have a 
 look in after he sees me. 
 
 Mrs. Homer. A minister look at you 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Why not? 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. That is my final word 
 
 Mrs. Homer. He is to marry Mrs. Roscoe's 
 daughter, and it is most suitable 
 
 Patience. Very suitable 
 
 Susan. How the young victim is being consid- 
 ered 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. I deem it a great favor for him 
 to be allowed to marry my daughter 
 
 Patience. Oh, I do not agree with you. He is 
 a man of God. She is the one to feel honored. 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Stiffly) INDEED! 
 
 Sylvia. I am going to marry him myself, pro- 
 vided he suits me. (From now on all these speeches 
 are taken together, very fast and at the top of their 
 voices, with much crescendo) 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Oh, no, you aren't 
 
 Minnie. (Now crying in earnest) It's a shame, 
 I want him 
 
 Jennie. It's a darn shame. 
 
SPARKS DIVINE 25 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. I have always intended to 
 marry a minister. 
 
 Sylvia. What show would you have 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. He is for Louise 
 
 Mrs. Homer. For Louise, certainly- 
 
 Patience. The Lord will protect His own. 
 
 Sylvia. I'm going to marry him, do you hear? 
 
 Jennie. I want him 
 
 Minnie. He's mine 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. I've got him cinched now. 
 (Bell rings. No one hears hut Jane, who, standing 
 at door, is aghast at the proceedings. Jane exits, 
 throzving up her hands) 
 
 Sylvia. You have not 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. He's already mine- 
 
 Minnie. He ain't (Stamps foot) 
 
 Patience. You're a menace to society- 
 
 Jennie. (Crying) I want the minister — I've 
 always wanted a minister. 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. (Sinking into chair at desk) I 
 am ill • 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Bending over her solicitously) 
 Dear Mrs. Roscoe 
 
 Jane. (Entering with a grin) The minister 
 
 has come (^Patience rises. In a second the 
 
 tumult dies down and in the sudden hush that fol- 
 lows, enter Anna Larkins, attired in a dark suit, 
 sailor hat, and carrying a traveling hag) 
 
 Anna Larkins. (Bowing cordially) Ladies, 
 how do you do? 
 
 Minnie and Jennie. What — what 
 
 Mrs. Roscoe. Is this the minister? 
 
 Mrs. Homer. (Lorgnette) Gracious me- 
 
 Patience. (Sitting again suddenly as though 
 overcome) Dear me, dear me 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery. Wouldn't that make you 
 sick? 
 
26 SPARKS DIVINE 
 
 Sylvia. (Sinking into chair at table rJ Oh, 
 oh 
 
 Susan. (Clapping her hand to her forehead and 
 sitting on arm of chair at fire) Gadzooks ! HE'S 
 A WOMAN ! f Jane covers face with apron and 
 exits. Mrs. Roscoe faints, Mrs. Homer bends over 
 her. Anna looks enquiringly at all) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 017 400 407 9 
 
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