P5353| Ja38 R4 _ *EOW«jry OF T«k A Reporter's Scrap *Boo1c Pearson A REPORTER'S SCRAP BOOK N^ Plain Talks on Citizenship. The Gizeh Papyrus Stories. Maumee Valley History in Ragtime. Miscellaneous Newspaper Stories. BY GEORGE W. PEARSON- v« BOOK RIGHTS RESERVED. '^o^ T53S3/ TO COLONEL CHARLES CAUGHLING, PATRIOT, NEWSPAPER MAN AND FRIEND, WHOSE DEVOTION AND SACRIFICE TO HIS COUNTRY WAS KNOWN ONLY TO HIS MOST INTIMATE FRIENDS, WHOSE UNTIRING ENERGY AND LOYALTY TO HIS PAPER WAS MODESTLY WITHELD FROM THE NOTICE OF HIS OFFICE SUPERIORS, AND WHOSE GENEROUS IMPULSES AND CHIVALROUS ACTS EVER CHARACTERIZED HIM AS THE SOUL OF HONOR THESE , NEWSPAPER STORIES ARE RE- SPECTFULLY DEDICATED, IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WERE HE ALIVE HE WOULD BE FIRST TO NOTE ANYTHING OF MERIT THAT MIGHT BE IN THEM AND NEVER TOO ILL TO JOIN IN ANY MER- RIMENT THE LIGHTER STORIES MIGHT OCCASION. I INTRODUCTORY. The short stories printed under the title of "A Reporter's Scrap Book," are largely articles which have appeared in the Toledo Blade in the past ten or twelve years. While many of the articles may seem light and trivial, and while some were written merely in a playful mood, most of the stories will be found to have a deeper meaning than merely that which might appear from a superficial reading. Some are merely sketches and incidents of newspaper life, while others seek also to convey some specific truth. "The Gizeh Papyrus," for example, is intended to picture something of newspaper life of Northwestern Ohio, and indeed pioneer printing generally, while it ostensibly deals with Egypt. It is designed to tell some plain truths that people would not tolerate if spoken directly to them, and shows how people are often mistaken in thinking that they can mislead newspaper men and cover up shams, although the reporter does not alwavs have opportunity to express his thoughts of them in print. While a satire on some phases of modern life, it is also intended to por- tray something of the fierce rivalry in newspaper offices in some of the smaller towns and cities where the venom is often due to a desire to get a whack at the county printing. "The Ragtime History" deals with historical characters of America and especially the Xorthwest Territory and the Maumee, \'alley in a playful spirit, and of course is not intended to be taken seriously. The assembling of matter so widely divergent in thought and purpose may seem pecuHar to some, but as the name "Scrap Book" indicates, the intent is merely to compile work written in varving moods ; and this is not as unnatural as might seem at first thought, for we are not always serious or always grave, but our lives are made up of a variety of emotions, in which sunshine, shadow, merriment and sober thought quickly succeed one another. These stories are printed ,not with the idea of "filling any long-felt want," or with any design upon the pocketbooks of the public, but merely in order to preserve them for myself and present to some of my friends who, at various times have shown a kindly interest in me and mine. "All rights are reserved," not with any idea that the public is going to rise up and demand faster printing presses in order to get more copies out, but the writer has found the book very convenient to use to prevent a hot coffee pot from burning all the varnish off the table, and, barbers find it an excellent size for lather sheets. The paper, too, will do very nicely for the fair sex "to put up their front hair." Since the decadence of the old family almanac there seems to be a field which most bookmakers have overlooked. Acknowledgements are due Mr. Vaughn McFall, former artist of the Blade, and to Mr. John E. Gunckel for historical data, and in issuing this book the writer wishes to absolve them from any guilty knowledge that their talents were ever to be used for such purposes. Thanks are also due Mr. Robert BrinkerhofT, Blade cartoonist, though he must be admitted to be in part an "accessory before the fact." In dealing with this book the public will bear in mmd that this is "our" first offense and "we" ask for a chance to reform and live it down. George W. Pearson, Toledo, O., March 15, 19.07. A FEW HOMELY PROVERBS. People who fail in acts of common civility on account of fear of loss of their social standing usually have good reasons for their actions — they have so little to lose that they cannot afford to spare any. It is always easier to approach the president of a railroad than the clerk in his office. About half of the so-called dignity these days is only down- right laziness. The real gentleman is known by his superior culture and his bearing towards others, and not by his boasting about it ; it takes a lot of talking to pass a bogus coin, but the genuine is not called into question. Often people who are anxious to appear great and influential begin wrong in imitating the real article. ^Vithout trying to acquire the intelligence and virtue of such men they merely imitate their defects or vices and then imagine themselves the real article and are surprised that others do not so regard them. God does not demand results of us. He only asks us to do our duty. He will take care of the results. A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. A MUCH NEEDED AMERICAN CLUB. One more club is needed. Like all other clubs and societies, it comes to fill a "long felt want," but unlike all other clubs and societies, its membership will -not be limited to a certain class, creed; politics or color. Palace and cottage can enjoy the same privileges of club membership and there will be no clash over admission into the organization. While the club or society may be in demand all over the world, America is now in peculiar need of such an organization in order to protect the high ideals and noble principles desired in a democratic government. Following are the CONSTITUTION AND BY-LAWS. I. The name of this organization shall be the Anti-Sham- ming Society. II. The aims of this society shall be to cultivate my own self-respect by a natural course of life, by developing my mind as much as possible by reading something that will furnish mental food, and by conversing and learning from those who have real intellectual worth ; by cherishing high ideals and living true to these regardless of how I am criticised ; and by being precisely what I am and by aiding others to lead a similar life, form com- panionships and associations that will have an effect on modern life. III. The officers of this association shall be elected by my- self, and I shall act as President, Secretary, Treasurer and Chap- lain, and shall be guided in the several duties by my conscience and my sense of right and honor. BY-EAWS. I. I hereby agree to live within my income as I am pros- pered, regardless of being called a lobster or a cheap skate. II. I will follow the decrees of fashion only so far as they are sensible and within the range of my pocketbook and will have enough American spirit and moral courage to live the best I can afford, and be satisfied with that until my means enables me to add more comforts. III. I will not live in a flat or tenament house if there is an unoccupied cottage or log hut within the city limits. A com- munity house may do for Mormons or cave dwellers, but it is not the right atmosphere to rear families and cultivate home spirit. A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 9 IV. If God 'blesses me with children I will try not turn over their entire training to servants and then refuse to let the janitor wash =my wheezy dog". V. I will not be ashamed of my work so long as it is honor- able, and I will hereby condemn as undemocratic and unchristian the spirit th"at scorns manual labor. VI. I will not pretend to know all about literature, science and art, but will leave something for the other fellow to learn. I will read all I am able to do and digest well, but will not be ashamed if I have not read every book by the two million authors that are now turning out "copy" for the press. VII. I will not pretend to be as rich as Rockefeller in order to impress some girl for whom I have the highest esteem. If she esteems me only for my wealth, love will he of short duration in event our friendship should lead to marriage and she learns my financial status. It is better that the estrangement come now than later. VIII. I will not. be ashamed to stay at home one or two nights a week even if other people deem it necessary to be out every night. I will attend to my own business and not meddle with others even if I am unable to say one word when out in society. IX. Meetings of this society shall be held for five minutes every evening, when I will endeavor to learn whether I have been untrue to my pledge during that day, and breathe a prayer that the next day I may do better. 10 A reporter's scrap-book. Plain Talks on Citizenship. "Ideals are like stars, you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the desert of waters you choose them as your guide and following them, you reach your destiny. Carl Schurz. Nations as well as individuals should be guided by ideals. Without these neither the individual nor the nation can achieve real greatness. Without high ideals on the part of individual citizens, the nation can not rise to high achievement nor give to the people the best in government. While it may seem idealistic, it would be well for the state if its citizens would adopt a creed or pledge something as follows : A Patriotic Pledge. "With malice towards none and charity for all," I hereby pledge to stand for civic honesty and purity, and to hit graft, greed and corruption in all forms, and at all times. God being my helger, Iwill allow_no financial advantage or po[it^ical_preferment for myseTFoTariy of my friends to deter me from my duty to_the state ; iTncTas^j^^Torefathers sacrificed blood and treasure to be^ queathe to me theKlessings of liberty, so I will sacrifice whatever it n^ed be To do my full share in transmitting to posterity this hentage pure and unsullied. To these ends T solemnly pledge my word and sacred honor. THE PRICE OF GOVERNMENT. Amid the noise of firecrackers and the spread-eagle orations incident to our Fourth, it is well for the nation to pause and re- flect on what the present day citizens are doing to transmit to posterity the liberties vouchsafed by our ancestors. There is a certain law of compensation that applies to politics the same as to commerce — that one gets only what he pays for, and it is' a ques- tion how much the people of America are paying, and are willing to pay, for good government. In the mad rush of every day life, men are apt to shirk their duties and not perform as citizens their debt to the state as they meet the claims of other creditors. Con- ditions here differ from a monarchy in that the citizen is supreme and there is no ruling power to manage or mismanage public affairs. A reporter's scrap-book. 11 People who have interests at stake are sure to be active in seeing that the government works no hardship upon them and that they be even given legislative and judicial favors if possible. The private citizen with no axe to grind, is heedless of conditions because he thinks he is not afifected, and until some great upheaval comes, is not stirred to perform his duties to the state. It has been the lax efforts of citizens that are responsible for the corporate and other abuses which now press for reform. Whgt^are you willing to pay for good government, not of money necessarily, but of time and of effort in seeing that good men are placed in positions of trust and then in defending them when they are there ?_ Let a tool of certain interests be placed in power and how he is pampered and feted by those interests ! How often when a good man is elevated to office he is allowed to stand alone and make an unequal fight against corrupting in- fluences. And perhaps after a time the official loses heart and hope, and being denied the support of the better citizens gives up and ends his official career as easily as possible. , Occasionally a Roosevelt arises who cannot be shaken from / his position, but why should citizens not defend a good man in I office as well as to make spasmodic efforts to place good men in \ positions of trust. ^ That eternal vigilance is the price of liberty was never better exemplified than today. The nation gets just what it pays for and no more. The government will never rise higher than its source and indifference of its friends, works almost as much mischief as the plotting of its enemies. — Blade Editorial. BOSSES OR LEADERS, WHICH? "A boss is a person active in politics who does something not satisfactory to the person who applies the term. A leader is one who does something that is satisfactory to the person who applies that term." If these definitions, submitied_by Walter Brown at the Lin- '^coln club banquet are to stand, right and wrong, as far as politics is concerned^ have been eliminated, history must be re-written, George III. must be made the martyr of 1776 and Washington treated as an upstart yet successful adventurer ; Simon Legree, the slave driver of Uncle Tom's Cabin, must be placed upon a pedestal beside Xincoln, and rpfprpnrps \n Ca pfain Kidd as the pirate of the high seas must be revised to the statement that he was a successful "frenzied financier" who had lived a few hundred ivears before his tim£ 12 A rkporter's scrap-book. But seriously, are the elements of motive and the ends sought to be accomplisliedJp^Tae eliminated in theconsTderation of tKe life of a_man in politics? Is a, man who organrzes^jpolitics for his own ends to he treated theJ^samelXsJJlgJI^aO-Jwho organizes^ a part^LJif followers to_achxeve__^it^ It is easy enou-^-h to acclaTm that Washington and Lincoln have been called "bosses," but did any one, no matter how bitterly hostile, ever accuse either of attempting to use his position to make himself independently wealthy? Was the hostility against them not due rather to differences of opinion about principles of government than to anv implication of personal dishonesty? The people of the United States are beginning to distinguish the difference between a leader and a boss, and herein is the basis for great alarm in certain political circles. I tjs becoming recog- nized that the leader seeks to serve the state, and its interests are the ends sought, the advantages to the man beings mcid^ntaljjhe boss seeks to work out his owrTpersonal advantage and that of his gang as the chief end. and any advantage to the party or peopTe Ts~ incidental or accidental; the leader works in broad ^aylight and strikes l^lows as with his fist straight from the shoulder ; the boss works injhe darl^ with bludgeon andjjTask, anj^gotic^als his motives anclj jurp ose s'untiT 'he haj_trap2ed a franc hise,_looted__a^ /reasury or compromised the nation's honor ; t lie~one is "apatnot, the other a pirale. ' " ~ Thejeader represents the best ideals of the people and leads them to secure their wishes in government — -this i s in harmoriy with a republican, form ^ of government or democracy ; the boss uses the people to vvork-Out his ownends and fill_his_ownjpoc'ket-_ book, r'egafdless of the people — this is disloyalty _to__the_city and state, an^Ttreasonjto^e nation; the one has the best interests of the people at heart, the o^er has no consideration for any but his own interests and those of the gang who supports him ; the one says "we will seek to accomplish the people's will," the other seeks to thwart the popular will and says, "It is not what the people want that is to be considered, but what we want." President Rooseve V^is a conspicuous example of the leader ; George j>. Cox, of_Cin€innati^_js_a__glaring.example_gf the boss. Apply these definitions to these men and see how closely they~H^t. Was George B. Cox working in the interests of good government and fair consideration to the people of Cincinnati when he forced through council, by means of his henchmen, a gas franchise said to be worth twenty million dollars, to the great injury of a future generation? Cox could even afford to give the people of the Queen City a good governrnent (which he didn't) if he was able A reporter's scrap-book. 1*3 to rake off millions 'by betraying their interests in the matter of franchise and other legislation. Anybody can be the tool of fren- zied interests seeking to rob the government and work through cunning, subtle, insidious, dark lantern intrigue, but it requires a Roosevelt to marshal hosts and principles and work out the people's will. T f . tnicklijT g ^to corrupt i nterests is the only means of Republican success^God help"~nTe~party. What profiteth IF if the party gain the_whole world ancTTose its own soul — that liberty which was its very being aiTdTLmdamentaTpurpose. — From BlaSd, April 14, 1907. . . MACHINE RULE IN TOLEDO. Toledo has had a taste of boss rule. As a Republican I can not get up much enthusiasm for a system of party control that counted out the late Mayor Jones by such unfair means that the whole city rose in a storm of protest, a system that by arrogance and proscriptive methods and by gross abuse of the Republican organizations, has fanned and kept alive the Independent movement until it has cost the party a loss of prestige and power, that has made nonentities of committeemen elected to represent the people, a system that knifed Mayor Finch because he dared stand for certain principles that he believed were right, a system that defeated Southard and sent a Democrat to Congress be cause he would not become a part of their machine, a system that muzzled Harry Kirtland because he dared criticise their methods in campaign work, a system that even refused Mul- holland, who has been most active in campaign speaking, the support of the "organization" in the congressional convention because in the Lincoln club he had dared speak his convictions about certain ones of the self-appointed bosses of the party. ELECT THE RIGHT MEN. We have been temporizing and coaxing and jollying some of our legislators in hopes of getting sorne measures of relief, but they have often been indifferent to the wishes of their constituents, once they were elected and have spent most of their first terms in trying to "soft soap" the people into giving them a second, and when that fails they kick up such a dust over something else that they sometimes blind people to their inefficiency, while they slip in for another term. The American people have had the bunco game worked upon them to the limit, and are now demanding some real reforms, and they are going to get some of them. While they may be fooled some of the time, they are going to 14 A report?;r's scrap-book. keep on and on until they have men in office who will insist that something be done. The people can never get results by con- tinuing to elect men who have ignored them in the past. I believe that Republican is doing the party a service who exposes a scoun- drel, and in the end it does not pay to shield corruption. I like the Roosevelt way of doing business. When he discovers a rascal, he says : "Here is a thief and a grafter. He must be kicked out of office and serve his term in the penitentiary like any other thief. He should not be tolerated in office or allowed to resign and sneak out "to save the party," and be regarded as an honest man and give him opportunity to steal from somebody else." The Roosevelt idea may seem a little severe, but it is merely the knife of a surgeon who cuts out the growth of corruption in order to save the body politic. As some one has pointedly said : "The rotten apple in a barrel cannot claim its interests are superior to all the other apples in the barrel, and insist upon remaining and spoiling all the rest." ONLY ONE VITAL ISSUE. There_^ only one great vital question before the American people today, and-tliatisuan issue tliat_invojvesthe_very life of the \ republic — the question_^of_ honesty _and__dishonesty. The tariff question resolves itself into a maTteFT)f whether the law of the land is to be used as a means of dishonest profit — a condition that permits manufacturers to sell goods abroad more cheaply than at home ; the financial problems are based on whether dishonesty shall rule and watered finance and dishonorable bus- iness methods prevail by legislative favor, or whether the govern- ment shall check the corrupt and encourage legitimate and fair business methods ; the public lands question is whether land thieves shall enrich themselves by plundering and stealing the homesteads of future generations or shall be checked in their career ; the civil service problems are merely fights to see whether corrupt bosses shall be permitted to use the offices as a means of bolstering up dishonest special privileges and interests which they represent, and whether such men may sell legislation, barter franchises and loot treasuries for their own enrichment ; the Panama canal ques- tion is coming to a point where it must be determined whether the trans-continental railrods shall rule or the government shall be permitted to continue that work unhampered, as is the wish of the American people ; the Philippine and other insular policy too is merely another form of the moral question of honesty and dishonesty — whether honest dealing and fair consideration shall A reporter's scrap-book. 15 be given those peoples ; and more important than any of these is the integrity of the ballot, and whether corrupt interests are to be. permitted to tamper with state legislatures and white- wash their creatures whenever their dishonesty is exposed, or whether all legislation, whether in state legislature or even Senate of United States shall be made responsive to the popular will. PARTY PLANKS NEEDED. If we would have confidence in the Republican party of the city, county and state, we should engraft some of the following planks into the Republican platform : 1. Wf? hold that piihlir honest y and derenry ig mnrp irnpnrt- ant than aru-^fiiaa ncial o r economical policy of ^ o,v£mm^nt. 2. We hold that no man wh o is intere gtgd in-a_company_nr corporation desiring or_p ossessi ng special franchises, or doin g other business with the city or state should be tolerated at the head of any party. " ~ ^ 3. We maintain that the party boss_and ward heelerjs_axelic of barbarous^political_metho(Is^ and tTT afTuTther" to leration would be an admission of the unfitness of people to govern themselves. We hold that fre^dom_of th^pught and speech js essential to a free people, and that the tyranny of party bos_se_s_ in crubj)ing the hea3s off of men who dare cry out for public honestj and decency s hould .be met with the rebuke i t deserves. For this reason we denounce as un-American and intolerable the condition whereby a clique of politicians in unholy alliance with concerns desiring legislative concessions should manipulate primaries and practice deceit and treachery upon the party and people at large in order to thwart the popular will. We bitterly condemn the use of such cliques as ' lobbyists in the city councils and state legislatures, and hold that the spectacle of a party boss seated at the right hand of a presid- ing officer in a legislative body to coach him in his decisions should not again be tolerated by the decent citizens of the state. / 4. We comniend Theodore Bmion q^f CLe_veland^ .foi^ his / fearl€ss_stand in protestmgLj.gain st the tyr ann^_of.poHtical cliques / and irLjleniandin g primary reforms. We comm end William R. I Taft for his courage itT_den ouncing the method s of George B.Xox, I and in speaking the truth about p olitical e vils^and we pledge ^ur- \ selves to defeat the macHTnations of Cox and such gangs as hg Xrepresents in the state, who havejiiarked^jox^slaughter all meiL who stand for puhlic_dere nry ^ ~ , 5. Recognizing that political power is secured by bosses at primary elections to which the voters usually give little concern, \ 16 A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. vve hold that the attendance and participation in such_^rimaries is ot greater importance than the elecTion' Itself^ We thereTore pledge ^ourselves to participate in all primanes of our party and insist upon our rights, and that we will use our best endeavor to arouse other voters to do the same irrespective of what party they are members. 6. We deny that any man has a perpetual lease upon public office and that his retention or retirement should depend largely upon his service to the city, state or nation. We hold that an office-holder is a public servant, not its master, and we denounce a system of self-perpetuation in office by use of political logrolling. W£,-^on.demn as un-American the r etention in office of .aiiy^ man who darernPl go before the . people„ Jor in dorsement. For this reason we demand the retirement of the selT^erpefliating bosses, lobbyists and manipulators and perpetual pie eaters, and all who dare not present themselves on any proposition and ask a vote of public confidence. 7. We demand that office-holders or other men in the public service be denied a place on the delegations to any county, state and national convention to the end that the rank and file of the party be represented at such conventions, and that it not be merely a ratification meeting of office holders. 8. We ask the people of the city and state to use their best thought and intelligence in preserving the sacredness of the ballot. We ask them, to scrutinize closely the motives of designing men who, by pretended friendship for honest men in high places~Hope tQ^win public favor. We denounce the insincerity of men, who, while trying to cloak themselves from popular fury by pretending to favor President Roosevelt, really work for ends directly antag- onistic to all for which the President stands. ^ 9. We glory in theJgadexsME of such men a s^ Roosevelt, and] believe that he and such as he should be supported so long^as they stand for popular ideals of government. We admire his lofty mo- tives, his ability and statemanship, and while not regarding him infallible, we trust in his sincerity of purpose and believe he is to be relied upon more than men whose selfish motives in theirs official acts are so plainly apparent. 10. While recognizing the importance of capital in our national life and wishing to encourage and preserve legitimate business and honest returns upon investment, we denounce the system which has placed tools of corrupt corporations and fren- zied financiers in positions of trust to decide matters affecting such corporations ; we therefore, demand as one means of reaching bet- A reporter's scrap-book. 17 ter conditions that United States senators be elected directly by the people in order that the people may have something to say about financial concerns whose methods have made possible flagrant abuses that have been a public shame. A FIGHT FOR FREE SPEECH One thing that has prevented people from getting together and insisting upon their rights has been the fear of failure. Any one who has made a study of the situation knows how corrupt forces are intrenched and are fearful to attack them. The cor- rupt methods have been so worked that they have sent tentacles or arms out into every branch of business, and have endeavored to prevent men from doing their duty by a system of intimidation or promise of political or financial benefit. And there are some men who will not say their souls are their own if it is going to cost them the sale of a yard of calico or require any extra efifort or diversion from their occupation of making money. Many_a_man_with ajittle family^ wlw^s buying a home and feels that he dare not incur the enmity of a powerful organization is puTTiTaTrying postfiolf. especially ifji£. ch_a_nces to be working in a puHicjiqsition wher.e the " system "_has, a_chance to_'^e_t Jiim.,"-^ God help us that we may reach the time when a man can express his convictions without fear that it will take bread and butter out of the mouths of his family. God help us to rid ourselves of a tyranny so cruel and so inimical to the nation's welfare. In a fight of this kind we should not hesitate to act lest we may be in the minority. God docs not demand results of us, but he does expect us to do our duty. He will take care of the re- sults. One man has electrified the nation and given the people new hopes and new ideals of life? Who can say that with the same daring, the same faith, the same inelligence and energy the people cannot realize something more of liberty and justice for all? ' • ' . IT'S UP TO YOU. Are you going to sustain a President who has had the courage to perform his duty fearlessly, and give all men equal rights, who can be neither bought nor bullied, who averted a coal famine, who is purging the postal service of fraud, who is curbing wildcat financiers and restraining corporations hostile to the public wel- fare, yet who is encouraging every form of legimate enterprise, who will not "be used'' nor allow the executive department of the government to 'be used for private ends ? Has not Pres. Roosevelt stood for honesty in business and in public office and has he not invoked the laws and constitution V 18 A RICr-ORTRR S SCRAI>-P.OOK. • of the United States to give the people their rights, not to deprive them of their hberties? People of America will never get the best government until they sustain the men who stand for the best. Patriotism not partizanship demands that you vote for the best. It's up to you. — An election day appeal l"2th ward. Toledo. Xovember, 190-1. J AN OPEN LETTER Tf) GENERAL SPITZER. If a Republican I'resident does not dare enforce laws enacted by a Republican Congress without lieing condemned by certain elements in the par*:y. things are coming to a pretty pass in this country. Indeed, if the President can not be sustained in per- forming his duty but is practically asked by these same people to violate his oath and wink at the law. we might as well give up the idea of a representative government at all. What is to become of our boasted equality before the law if the President is to be coached by a lot of speculators in Wall street as to what laws are to be enforced and which violated ? Is it possible_^hal:l]ie_AiTien_caiij2eople doji ot know^ the d iffer-) ence between en£ouraging legitimate enterprise and living a lot of men of the Morgan type" unbridled license to water stock and \ unload it upon the people at will ? Shall these men, taking advant' I age of special privileges conferred upon them as a corporation, j be allowed to use these privileges to swindle the very people who / have conferred upon them these powers? Is government intended \ merely to support a few people in special privilege, or to secure / rights for all ? ^^ Is there no spirit of fairness among speculators which will al- low some rights to others or is the entire world ''a swinetrough," as Carlyle says, in which the strongest get their front feet in the trough and trv to prevent all the others from getting a taste of food> What has President Roosevelt done that has made business as "bad as 1893," the days of soup houses? Is the President re- sponsible for the collapse of the corrupt shipbuilding trust? Is he at fault for the slump in steel stock due to a better knowdedge of the mixture of water by a hitherto gullible public when $140,- 000,000 was made in a few weeks liy a coterie of patriots in Wall street who seem offended that the government should object to further depredations upon the public? Can a permanent prosperity endure upon such wildcat financiering, and did not the crash, in which the w'olves suffered wdth the lanrbs, prevent a more widespread panic and bring business to a sounder basis? A Reporter's scrap-book. lO' Is President Roosevelt responsible for the marine tie-up which is causing distress in shipping circles? If not, will Gen. Spitzer, or some other disciple of "high finance," specify what he is re- sponsible for? Generalities fail to convince. There are, perhaps, three things done by the present adminis- tration which certain interests in \\'all street have opposed, though few of them have had the frankness to make public statement of the matter. The nTQst-^aJJiilgL_thiii^_jof_the_jhre^^ the en- , forcement of the Sherman anti-pooling _JaB'z==the_Ni)rthern Se- curities case. "The law had evidently been regarded by financiers, as a~nUffentity enacted as a sop to the people, but without binding force. President Roosevelt was not responsible for the law, but he had taken an oath to enforce national law. and he refused to- wink at its open violation. Is President Roosevelt to be punished for doing his duty in this case? A second ohjectioii^to President Roosevelt in certain quarters was bisection duri ng t he coal stri ke. Against the strong stand of the miners and the position of President Baer and his "God- given" interests, with "nothing to arbitrate." a shivering public was standing on the brink of winter with no fuel in sight, and little prospect of any. The press, backed by the people, were clamoring for arbitration, and in this situation, a man in the President's chair, with human sympathy, made an honest elTort to relieve the people from distress. Was this treason in the eyes of "high financiers?" The third cause of distress in certain "financial circles" was the estahlishment of a department of commerce and labor under which it^ame within the^ province of the state to inquire into_ methods of dishonest corporatfdns^n ushig the special rights. granled_th^emjn' the state^ Are not the banking interests of the nation under national supervision and inspection, yet does the banker seem otTended at the inquiry made into his business? Can the "captains of industry," working in consonance with the public welfare, have reasonable objection to the state inquiring into how the specially vested powers of the corporation are being used or abused ? Was not_ji^esident Roosevelt's position asg^overnor of _New York in urging the "Business Comp anie s act" not in the line of public w;elfare and a stimulus to legitimate business as well as a protest against dishonest methods ? ' ^ Is President Roosevelt to be condemned for urging the pas- sage of the Cuban reciprocity treaty urged by the lamented McKinlev? 20 A reporter's scrap-book. Is the President to be censured for using the water intended iby high financiers in watering stocks, to irrigate the rainless dis- tricts of the west ? ( Is President Roosevelt to he punished, for attempting to \ weed out graft in the public service^ or is^this, too to b e^ immune \from national law as a legitimate perquisite of the privileged Yew ? . Will those who are railing at the President as unsafe, please file a bill of particulars, and the public may then judge as to his statesmanship and interest in the public welfare? Toledo, May 20, 1904. Ed. — This letter was written in reply to an interview printed in a Columbus paper, in which Gen. Spitzer criticised President Roosevelt, and said his policy had made financial conditions as bad as in the soup house days of the Cleveland administration. That General Spitzer was sincere, though misguided, was shown by his action three months later in again stating frankly that conditions were better, and in showing a friendly spirit to the administration. It is only fairness to him to state that his opinions are respected and he has been one of the important factors in the growth of Toledo in the past ten years. FORAKER ON THE RATE BILL. Senator 5j3raker^_speech_against__the rail_\yay rate 'bill was a disappointment to his frjends_i,n Qhio. While in his capacity as a railroad attorney hehas lived in an atmosphere which may lia ve made him conscientious in liis l)clief that tlie proposed bill is_unju3t to railroads, he has forgotten that,_.as_Xinited States senatorTT^is supposed to represent the people o£_01iio and not the railroad i~bf the state and nation, rnstead of _specious arguments to save the railroads from the force of the law__a s he had pl anned by his ameruiment at the time the Xurthern Securities d ecisSn'was^n- nouncedi _Mr. Foraker mi^it better -employ.^ his unqiiestioned talents in the interest of the people who are supposed to have sent him to the senate. — -__, The keynote of his argument is reported to be his opening sentence : "It is so contrary to the spirit of our institutions and of such drastic and revolutionary character that, if not in its immediate effect at least as a precedent, the consequences are likely to be most unusual and far reaching." If the bill framed is not "unusual and far reaching," it would not remedy the abuses that it is supposed to remedy. As to shat- A reporter's SCRAU'-BOOK. 21 taring precedents, the people have arrived at the point where they would be g-lad to wreck a few musty precedents if it will eradicate evils. But what precedents have been shattered? Does_he mean to say that the government has.ngjjght to con- trol the corporations towhom it issue_charters? Does he take the same position credited to Senator Aldrich that the attempt of the government to fix rates of public service corporations is "infamous." Does he mean to say that the senate has accepted the theory that the government has no right to con- trol such corporations, that they are greater than their creator, J:he government? If this be true, the people take issue with the senate and shall insist that they control such corporations doing public service. Is Senator Foraker so blind to the popular demand that he proposes to deny reasonable control of corporations and thus arouse the people so much that they will demand ownership instead of control ? If Mr. Forak£r_js_acc[uainted with Ohio history, he knows that repeatedly the people of -this state have shown their suprenfa- cy over public service* corporations in fixiiTg_the rates for natural gas, for electric TTglits and that recently they have asserted tBe same right to fix a two-cent a mile raJ£-jQr_passengcr traffic in the state, a law that has been^sustained by courts of Michigan, New York and elsewhere. Mr. Foraker's plea that the evils thus far arising might have been reme 'ied by the e iforrement of the existing laws will not satisfy che demand ot the President and the people back of him. If the present laws are not enforced, why should he worry lest the proposed law shaM be enforced? Doesjie think that tiie people will be satisfied with a ratejbin t h at ties_j2ffijMaJls^ \vjth_^ eiTrTTe^^litig ation. ancTp u t s th e government, instead of the criminal, on the defensive? — WToH^e Editorial March 1, 1906. ^ " — FAIR PLAY OR A SQUARE DEAL. In his strictures of President Roosevelt because of the find- ings of the interstate commerce commission, E. H. Harriman, the great railroad trust magnate, expresses a thought that is well worthy serious reflection on the part of the American people. He is quoted as saying that a square deal does not mean "fair play," and he expresses his confidence that the "fair play" idea will again come into general acceptance in America. 22 A reporter's scrap-book. What is the meaning of this expression? Simply this : That he in common with other men who have profited by old methods, believe that with the end of the Roosevelt administration the people will, either by indifference or lack of intelligence to have their will expressed in government, again relapse into the old ways. In other words "a square deal" for the people does not mean "fair play" for railroad companies to prey on the public by watering their stocks, by pooling interests to hold up the govern- ment for the highest figures for carrying mail, by giving secret rebates to big companies and thus driving the small concerns out of business, and 'by even crippling national enterprises like the Panama canal for private gain. Harriman's "fair play" means a return to the conditions that led to the insurance frauds, condi- tions that have produced thefts of government lands, that have brouht about dishonest profits through an inequitable tariff policy, that have placed tools of "frenzied interests" in seats of power in the nation, that make money, not manhood, the controling force. It means that the pagan idea of might making right shall obtain over the Christian idea of consideration for, and protection of, the weak and defenseless. It means that the boss shall again direct our politics and shall be pointed out to the youth as the successful man in public life, that low ideals, corruption and infamy shall prevail unrestrained by government interferences or control. That this idea of Mr. Harriman is generally accepted by most of the men who have profited by old piratical methods may be seen by any careful observer. It may be seen in the emanations from the dishonest quarters in Wall street, it may be seen in the atmosphere at Washington and reflected in the dispatches from Washington and New York to the press of the land. "AfteL Jjoosevelt jwe reUTrn_tO--pow_erlLis^ writ ten unm istak- ahly in the attitude of the political 'boss, jLhe dishonest finaThcier, and the. corrupt officehold-ec>-^T hey 'b elieve that alHflTe agitation, all the exposures of grait and corruption, all the education of 'the newspaper and magazine will avail nothing, that the people's will will be thwarted and that a compact nrganization of the forces which have profited in tli^ past by dishonest methods will again secure^theni_endless opportu nity for plu nder^ But the people" are no longer lethargic^ The awakening was a rude one, but likely to be a lasting one. Experience has again taught the prime im- portance of eternal vigilance and we cannot think that the lessons of the last five vears will soon be forgotten. — -Blade Editorial, March 6, 1907. A reporter's scrap-book. 23 A BIT OF VERSE. HUMILITY— A BIRTHDAY THOUGHT. Like a mighty surging ocean Moves the busy hurried world, One life is but a breaker • That on the shore is hurled ; Some glide in so calm and peaceful That they scarcely touch the sand Others rush and lash in fury Other waves upon the strand : They pitch and foam and plunge And dash upon the rock The wrecks of many other Hves — But certain fate they mock, For all alike are wafted back To the great eternal sea And the quiet wave glides in And back so easily That makes one wonder why . The clash and awful dash To rise upon the sand And meet the heat of the great sun's rays Or the rugged barren land. Why all this bickering and strife For only wealth and power? Why not consider lasting things Not just the passing hour? The kindly deed, the tender look, The love the Father gave Are better far than kingly crown To cherish and to save. If then some day we wander back Into eternity The mighty ocean of His love Will welcome vou and me. 24 A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. A reporter's scrap-book. THE BUGLE, FIFE AND DRUM. 25 See Prontispiece. When peace is hovering o'er the land And the nation is serene, The multitudes are thrilled and swayed With music's sweetest dream. But when duty calls to battlefield And war's alarums come Its hosts are cheered to victory By the bugle, fife and drum. The music of the orchestra. With its strains sublime and grand And the stirring march and quickstep Of the magnificent brass band May thrill the throngs at home ^ And lead the troops to strife But men fight on the firing line With the bugle, drum and fife. O the music of the bugle With its pure unfettered tone ; How its music stirs the army When its commands are known ! From "reveille" to "taps." It gives the men new life Accompanied by the music Of the stirring drum and fife. The piercing fife and the stirring drum ! What memories o'er us trooping come ! At Bunker Hill at Gettysburg and at Manila Bay You "led the way to glory You tell the nation's story Of freedom and its price we've had to pay. ****** When the nation is in danger And war's alarums come. We look to thrill us onward To the bugle, fife and drum. 26 A reporter's scrap-book. STEEDMAN AT CHICKAMAUGA. Held by strict orders on the mountain side, Steedman viewed the battle from afar; Chafing with restraint, he saw the tide Of battle go against us — the Single Star Sweep the Stars and Stripes away, And seemed already to have won the day. Stern orders told him to remain And hold the pass given to his care ; A higher duty told him 'twas a stain To stay — Why could he not share His comrades fate ? Perhaps 'twas not too late To save the army from its seeming fate. His eyes flashed fire as he rode along, Death to disobey — yet to remain And see the slaughter — that was wrong. He took the chances, seized his bridle rein, "Forward !" he cried in stern command And forward moved his gallant band. Thomas saw from the hilltop rise A cloud of dust that spoke of moving men Friend or foe, could not be told, his eyes Could not discern. He looked again, He could scarcely hope for aid If strict orders had been obeyed. Like a rock his troops had stood, With Spartan nerve, "a. human wood," But human strength had lost its power And must give way that very hour Unless relief at once should come, From whence? There could be none. But now the line is giving way, The Blue o'erwhelmed by the Gray ; When suddenly, mid din and smoke Six thousand Union muskets spoke. The foe was staggered by the blow- That laid their many comrades low. A reporter's scrap-book. 27 "Double quick! Forward! Guide right!" And forward in their strength and might Moved this gallant band, and swept Aside the foe. Comrades wept With joy — the foe in full retreat, Victory snatched from sore defeat. And round the camp fire that night Was told the story of the fight, How Thomas in his gallant way Proclaimed Steedman hero of the day. Thomas! Steedman! Your deeds the power. That saved the army in that awful hour. IN THE YEAR '00. In the coming century It is thought That the world will better be — And it ought. When the hundred years begin May cloud the brain like sin ; The better era should come in With the year of naughty-naught. Boer and Britian now at war. Over gold. Mars now seems the rising star, As of old. And the peace that men demand Is a piece of mining land ; And for this we firmly stand, In the year of naughty-naught. Sage and poet now dilate On the past ; Think no century so great As the last. Steam and electric power applied, Liquid air and what else tried, Most drives a man to suicide, In the year of nausfhtv-nausfht. 28 A rkporter's scrap-book. Politicians oft proclaim, Every year, That in life their only aim Is country dear. But they look for office "ipap," Or something else to tap ; Care for country not a rap, In the year of naughty-naught. But better times are here. We believe ; And real truth, men appear To receive. And the truth shall make men free ; . Kings shall yield, and bend the knee. At the voice of liberty. From the vear of naughtv-naught. Toledo, O., 1898 PLAIN 'TATERS AND SOP. Take a nice country ham and slice it just right, Fry it well in a skillet, have a good appet te ; Then take some potatoes, mashed just to the taste. Eat the ham with some bread, not soaked to a paste. But sopped just enough in ham gravy jrown, A dish for a king^there's nothing in town That a fellow can eat and need net to stop Like the old country dish of 'taters and sop. I know there are some who sneer at such taste, And think these vvords idle — as spoken in haste ; They point you to lobsters, the salads and oup That the French chef prepares the palate to dupe ; But these have no charms, nor the banquets in state With bouillon and agony — five dollars a plate ; These mystery dishes, I'd all gladly drop For what w ; country jakes called 'taters and sop. I know that these words make an old fashioned phrase, Not elegant — crude in a good many ways. But, somehow, the old fashioned and rustic appeal All the more to my senses as years o'er me steal ; A reporter's scrap-book. 29 Give me old fashioned virtues, and old fashioned life, An old fashioned Bible, an old fashioned wife ; There's one consolation, not a dude nor a fop Will claim he's old fashioned, or say " "taters and sop. Not all of the old nor all of the new Has virtue in the fact of the time we may view ; Yet old fashioned phrases deal plainly with sin, They mince not the words, but boldly wade in. Untruth was styled "lying;" I know it was crude; What then we called "stealing" we now sometimes call "shrewd." And old fashioned honor in office and shop, Is what we need nowadays, with 'taters and sop. How gladly we turn to those old country days With its joys, its blessings, its sorrows, its ways ; The sweet scented meadows, the sun shining down, Air pure as the dew — nothing like it in town — No tenement districts, no wretchedly poor. Not the fierce strife to keep the wolf from the door; I've seen in the nation that men at the top Once lived in the country and ate 'taters and sop. 30 A reporter's scrap-book. A HISTORY OF THE MAUMEE VALLEY AND OTHER SEAPORTS OF THE U. S. A. A Tai.e or Northwestern Ohio and Elsewhere Writien in Rag Time eor Modern Readers. The early history of the Manmee Valley has been somewhat veiled in mystery and it is to relieve the popular mind of certain fancies that the present work is undertaken. While it is not wholly satisfactory to begin a serious history with a supposition, yet it must be taken for g-ranted that this part of the U. S. A., came into existence about the same time as the rest of the world. We might start with the nebular hypothesis and then gradually evolve the development of this section, but the nebular hypothesis wasn't generally believed those days anyhow and we have no desire "to throw it into" or remote ancestors who often didn't have money enough on hand to buy Lick telescopes and look for lost, strayed or missing nebulae. Indeed, those good old times were different in many respects from the present and U. S. Steel stock and JNIanhattan Elevated weren't worth five cents on the dollar and there wasn't ten cents worth of water in the stock either. The most ancient period of which the oldest inhabitant has any record was the glacial age. It was then that the Great Lakes and Niagara Falls were formed and great deposits of gravel and sand left in various parts of Ohio for future building companies to monopolize. If all reports are true it was chilly in those days, and the weather bureau kept up cold wave signals continuously. Artificial ice plants were not needed and invention awaited the coming of the ice trusts to provide a means of emancipation from it clutches. Having penned these few lines and hoping you are all well, we will leave this preliminary geological survey and jump into the serious history of the Maumee A^alley. with this mental res- ervation, however, that we will not allow ourselves to be ham- pered by the facts whenever they stand in the way of our duty to the modern reader who wants the worth of his money. CHAPTER I. Bill Nemo "Butts Into'' Science. WHiither or whence came the first man to America, and the Maumee Valley has puzzled wise men for ages. All have failed A rkportf.r's scrap-book. 31 to solve the riddle because they neglected to inquire of Bill Nemo of Jerusalem township. Rill is a French trapper, who has hunted muskrats in the Cedar Point "ma'sh" ever since he can remember and testifies that "the muskrat, she is the best fish what flv.'' Bill says that the Garden of Eden was located in the fruit belt, along- the lake shore. He argues with the reason- ing of many scientific persons that since wise men of all ages have shown conclusively that the Garden of Eden was nowhere else, it must have been in Jesusalem township. ''Look at the number of scrij^tural names that have come down to us to this day. Eook at the number of Adamses there are in Lucas countv. Then there are .\dams and Jerusalem townships, both scriptural names. Then who would ciuestion the superiority of the apples raised along the lake shore ?" These are Bill's arguments, though expressed in hybrid French and English dialect, and who can {[uestion their ac- curacv? He might further have mentioned that the wicked- ness that led to the first great deluge has seemed tO' settle upon certain localities in Toledo. - He does argue that the fact of Noah landing at Mt. Arrarat, does not disprove his theory, as the time required for the flood to subside would have given ample opportunity to reach there. For a few years after Noah's time the records of the early history of the Maumee Valley seemed to have seen lost, though there is no hint that the county officials destroyed the docu- ments to checkmate an investigation. History seems to have slipped a cog until the arrival of the ]\Iound Builders. Where did these people come from? Others have attempt- ed to explain in vain. Their origin is easy of comprehension. They came here from Moundsville, West A'irginia. Some skeptics might inquire how they got to Aloimdsville, but we hold that this is impertinent. Like the colored philoso- pher who had explained how the world rested upon a turtle's back and was attacked by the question what the turtle rested upon, the reply will apply to the Mound Builders, "It is just such fool questions as these asked by no 'count niggahs that over turns faith in philosophy." It is more to the point to know what the ?kIound Builders did when they did come here. Why did not the Mound Builders erect mounds in the Maumee Valley? Here is another problem of historians which we will explain with one hand tied behind the back, and in full view' of the audience. 32 A reporter's scrap-book. We have it straight from the Mould Builders' hieroglyhics that they did attempt it. This history was discovered written on a cement block, from which the following is translated : "This is what I call a puddin' " said Pileser Hump, resi- dent engineer to a crowd of Mound Builders that had gathered at the right bank at the mouth of the 'Maumee. He dug a spade easily into the black soil deposit where now is Presque Isle. "We'll put up a mound here in three months that'll make the old folks at Moundsville think they are living in a barn.") Like many impulsive young man, Mr. Hump was doomed to disappointment. He set the plows and scrapers to work to cut a channel through back of 'Presque Isle and for a few days dirt flew like magic. "I'm glad we don't have to bother with the United States senate," said Hump one day to a road supervisor. "If we did, we'd cut the cable, eh, Pileser?" drawled out the supervisor as he shifted a cud of tobacco to the other side of his mouth. On the thirteenth day the scrapers and plows got off the top deposit and struck clay. The horses pulled and tugged, broke clevises and single trees, but the sticky mud held firm "I've plowed among the roots in new ground, and I've brok- en up a field so full of rocks, that it looked like a pumpkin patch, but this 'jack wax' has got me beat," said the foreman to En- gineer Hump. "Perhaps the sign of the moon isn't right. Let's wait ten days," said the superstitious Hump. Two weeks elapsed. Engineer Hump thought he had a scheme to break up the clay. He tried dynamite and nitro- glycerine, but the shots fizzled out, making only a mud puddle in the canal. He tried electrolysis, but the clay remained un- yielding. "I have a scheme. Let's have Harvey Piatt get out a petition for this mound, and he'll get it. He never quit anything he ever attempted yet," suggested the foreman to the engineer. The suggestion of a subordinate was not to be considered by the skilled engineer. "I'm going to Chicago tonight to take the matter up with a big firm there," replied Engineer Hump. "But Chicago isn't built yet," said the foreman. "I hadn't thought of that," replied Engineer Hump, "How stupid of me. Well, we'll quit the job altogether." A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 33 And the next day an army of men with plows and road scrapers filed slowly along the river headed for Southern Ohio. For years afterwards a signboard might have been seen dis- played at Presque Isle with an inscription which translated read : - '~^ 1 I This Beats The Dutch CHAPTER II. The Whenceness of the Indian. Whence came the American Indian? This question has seemed to puzzle antiquarians and his- torians for centuries. Indians have had this question of their origin flung into their teeth all these years, but have been long suffering, and have submitted to the insult in silence. Others have not had the nerve to take up the cudgel in their defense but now the worm has turned. "Where did you come from?" we ask on behalf of the American Indian. "You needn't get so gay and swelled up on your history, for it has been only a few years since your ancestors were liv- inof off of acorns and cocoanuts, while the Indians now rise to . 34 A reporter's scrap-book. claim a civilization prior to yours. To quote from an eminent authority, 'if you leave to the Darwin evolutionists where you came from, and to the theologians where you are going to you ought to be satisfied that you are here.' " But now that your historians have pried ofif the lid we purpose to tell a few tales out of school about the history of the American Indian. We claim that America is the oldest conti- nent in the world and defy you to prove the contrary. Further- more, we claim a history prior to your pauper nationalities of Europe and Asia and ask you to show us Missourians the re- verse. European civilizations trace their origin to Asia and there the claim is made that China antedates anything they have been able to claim. The American Indian does not purpose to take a back seat for the heathen Chinese, but holds that China owes its origin to some refuse convicts that were exiled from America 8546 years ago, February 30. At that time "civilization" in America had reached its highest point. Dirigible air ships were as thick as flies in July, and trolley cars, sky scrapers and flat dwellers were too common to cause comment. City and county officials drew fat salaries for an indifferent attention to city and county aflfairs, state legislatures and congress passed bills that the people didn't want, and when they preteneded to enact a favorable law, there was a joker or sleeper section that knocked the whole law galley west, men were sent to the penitentiary for stealing bread, and to the senate for stealing a railroad system or cleaning up a million in watered finance, and there was a disregard of private and public morals. A constitutional convention was called to reform matters and it was decided that the best method was a return to the simple life. Sky scrapers, tenement houses and cathedrals were leveled and the whole .population which had been traveling a furious pace "took to the woods" and lived an easy life in the bosom of nature. Where are the evidences of this past civilization, may be asked by the skeptic. Look at the wide prairies which had been formerly peopled and tilled. The wooded portion of America had simply been oc- cupied so much longer prior to that time that great forests had sprung up. As to ruins of the great cathedrals and sky scrapers, they existed so long before the cathedrals of the old world, that all evidences have been destroyed. Nothing can withstand the ravages of time. A reporter's scrap-book. 35 But what has this got to do with the history of the Maumee Valley? Simply that it shows how the American Indian lived in this valley before recorded history elsewhere and the forests in this vicinity prove that this is one of the oldest inhabited parts of the world. The return to simple life had occurred years be- fore the discovery of America, which must now be briefly re- counted CHAPTER III. How Chris Discovered Us. Chief High Mucky-Muck, standing on the bay shore at Presque Isle, shaded his eyes with his hand and eagerly scanned the eastern horison. Looking intently he saw unmistakably, smoke from three fires rising skyward. "That's the sign. Columbus has discovered us. I see our finish," muttered the chief as he returned to his wigwam tcv announce the sad tidings to the tribe. "I knew Chris, was coming, but I hoped he would post- pone it a hundred years or so," said the chief to his peo-ple. "We might as well begin to adopt civilizing and refining ways." Thus spoke the chief, but ere eighteen moons had waxed and waned, he had reason to regret his words. The younger braves began to lie and steal, a thing un- known before in the history of the Indian race, while one in- ventor succeeded in producing wines and alcoholic liquors that demoralized the tribe. "If we are to learn the ways of the white man, I have a plan whereby we may all wax rich without efifort," announced a young brave to the tribe at a council held at the chief's wigwam one day. "I am organizing the Aboriginee Hunting and Develop- ment company," he announced, "and we guarantee twenty per cent, dividends the first year. My company is organized for 100,000 deer skins and we propose to handle the hunting and trapping business in the Maumee Valley. You pay in the deer skins to me and I handle the business. 'That looks good to me," said the innocent chief. "I'll put in 10,000 skins myself, and if the interest comes in promptly, I can give my squaws an eight hour day after the first of next year. They do have to work pretty hard now, though it has its beneficial effects." After the chief had laid hold of the scheme, the promoter found no trouble in financing his enterprise. He had to sit 36 A reporter's scrap-book. up night signing paper for delivery the next day, so great was the demand to get into the company. The promoter soon had his company in full swing and put out traps along the river and in the marshes, and so successful ■was his plan that at the end of the year he announced to the chief that he could pay the twenty per cent, dividend and then put a snug sum into the emergency fund. He had planned to vote himself a big increase in salary and float one hundred thousand more stock when he met the stockholders at the annual meeting. He arrayed himself in his best deerskin suit and hied himself into the presence of the chief for the annual meeting. "I am here to deliver the goods." announced the promoter as he took out his checkbook and prepared to pay the stock- holders. "Hold on a minute," said Chief Mucky-Muck. "I hear bad reports of this company. I hear that your company has broken up the traps of the poor braves of my tribe. That you steal game out of their traps and that if they protest they are killed -or their reputation ruined." "But my good chief, I secured the dividends. Why should you inquire where the money came from, so long as it is here?" "That may do for white man's high finance, but it doesn't go here while I am governor. I've had more trouble, more suffering and misery among my people in the past year than ever before and I'll be hanged if it will go any farther. Braves, when shall we have this pirate's funeral?" "Let's call the game at sunrise tomorrow. Meanwhile we will decide whether to skin him alive, burn at the stake or merely shoot him. "But," interrupted the promoter, "don't I get a chance to get a congressional investigation or something to fix this matter up? I'll ask for an injunction and carry it to the supreme court." "Not much-ee-much," grunted the chief. Down goes your meat house at four tomorrow. Here's where I cut out all white man's innovations. I don't go much on the idea of sending missionaries here to teach us to be kind and then use our in- nocence to rob us of our land and hunting grounds. The first thing we know, our whole tribe will be drinking whiskey, smok- ing cigarettes and taking opium. We'll have divorce courts ■and scandals and cut throats methods in business. Our squaws will be gossiping and talking women's suffrage. Here's where we refuse to take up the white man's burden." A reporter's scrap-book. 37 The next day at sunrise the promoter was jerked hence, so that subsequent events interested him no further. He died game. "The only trouble with me is, I'm four hundred years ahead of my times." were the last words of Marmion. CHAPTER IV. Gospel and Grafters. How long it took the, Indians to settle the Maumee Valley is not known, but from the colonial wars we have a pretty accurate history of how long it took the government to settle the Indian. If history and tradition are to 'be accepted, it ap- pears that the Indian got decidedly the worst of it in 'his contact with "higher civjilization." The Blible 'was followed by whisky, and thieving traders and the Indians learned to lie and steal with great facility, but while readily absorbing- the vices of the white man failed to take seriously to his. virtues. And with piratical traders to beat him out of his skins,, and white men grabbing his lands, it is not surprising that he whetted up his scalping knife and went out "to start something." And with the English pretending to be his friend and inciting him to throw the harpoon into the Americans, it was little wonder that about the time of the close of the Revolutionary War the Indians had figured out a perennial picnic along the Maumee with a little occasional excitement in lifting the hair of the in- coming colonist or making him run the gauntlet between twO' lines of braves. And it is not surprising that after these killings the Ameri- can arrived at the conclusion that the only good Indian is the dead Indian, and adopted a policy of extermination that has been continued until the Indian is harmless, save in affording opportunity for government graft. Governor St. Clair thought to -put the Indians of the Northwest on the run, but the Indians got possession of his plans and published it in their newspapers, loaded gatling guns and thirteen-inch rifles and headed up the Maumee Valley for Fort Recovery. It is unnecessary to dwell upon this sad fight in American annals, for "there was nothing to it." When General Wayne and a force of men were dispatched in this direction, the Indian chiefs got together and decided that they had some real business on hand. General Wayne led his men past the site of St. Clair's de- feat and on to Fort Wayne. "What's the best way to get to Toledo," he inquired of a burly policeman in front of Ft. Wayne brewery. 38 A reporter's scrap-book. "I'd advise you to keep away from there," was the reply. "But I've got a little job up there, saving the country from the Indians." "The darned country isn't worth saving. I've been there. There is nothing but frog ponds, mosquitoes and ague." "But I'm going anyhow." "Well, if you are bound to go, you'd better take the Wabash and follow the flag." After these instructions. General Wayne made his way to Defiance. General Wav-ne and Colonel Perkins of Kentucky were en- gaged in a quiet pedro game in the tent of the latter and the game had reached an interesting stage. "I'll bid six," said the colonel. "I'll bid—" At his point he was interrupted by an Indian chief who rushed into the tent and shouted, "I'll bid defiance!" "You'll be sorry for this," shouted General Wayne to Little Turtle, for such it was who interrupted the game. "I'll allow no child of the forest to put the lid on when I'm around. After this interference, mark my word, you shall never be postmaster at Maumee." Quaking with fear Little Turtle hurried from his tent and •gathering up his braves got ready for the fray. General Wayne expected after this interview that the In- "dians would take to tall timber but in this he was mistaken. The Indians instead chose a place where the trees had fallen and \vhich heame known as the battleground of Fallen Timbers. When General Wayne got stirred up over anything, some- thing had to give and when he gathered up his soldiers is was evident that there would be a fight worth going miles to see. It was no surprise therefore when the enterprizing editor of the Defiance Clarion said to the foreman: "Bill, you had better have the 'boys hang around late this afternoon. I 'believe General Wayne will give us some stufif for an extra and we will not need any boiler plate to fill in either." Thereupon the editor swung upon the last car of the Wabash 13:50 train headed for Waterville. "I'll telephone you from the grounds when the general calls 'thirty,' " sang out the editor as he climbed upon the car platform. His last words were in- distinct to the foreman but he gathered from the imprecations that his chief had forgotten his mileage book and would have to pay his fare. A reporter's scrap-book. 39 CHAPTER V. Wayne's Victory. "This aint no fit place for Indians to be. I move we ad- journ," said Little Turtle as his braves began falling under the deadly fire of the Kentucky riflemen. There was a whirlwind of "ayes" and the party left the field on the jump. "I'll be in Manhattan first," said a fleet footed brave as he lan like a scared dog down the river trail past Ft. Miami, headed towards Detroit. "I never did like this country, I'm going to Canada," yelled a panting brave who was doing his best to win the foot race. The British garrison ot Ft. Miami was annoyed over the result and the fact that General Wayne and his men showed an indifference to the fort. The British commander sent a curt note to General Wayne: "Don't you know we're here?" he said. "No game is scheduled between the British and Americans now and I wish you would keep off our diamond. We are strongly fortified with enough beer to last two months." "You're another," wrote the American general in reply. "Don't get so sassy or we'll take a fall out of you. I know my business. I helped clean up your bunch once and I can do it again. You had better move on yourself or we'll get you." The British commander did not reply but he narrowly es- caped nervous prostration for fear General Wayne would turn up to deliver the goods. Instead however General Wayne returned to the South thinking to save a little of the fun for the following spring. The next year the Indian chiefs patched up a treaty at Green- ville relinquishing northern Ohio to the Americans The scene of signing the treaty was impressive. Little Turtle, Big Knife, Hatchet Face, Hot Stuff and other Indian chiefs were gathered in a row under a maple tree with General Wayne and staff op- posite. "You have said the right words," exclaimed Little Turtle in broken English, "have you a chew of blackleg about your per- son?" General Wayne produced the goods. "Have you forty wrappers of kilikinick," was asked. "You bet he has," said the chief of staff to the Indians. "The only thing we can do is to turn over the property. I'm Rafl'les and you have discovered me. Where's my sten- ographer?" 40 A reporter's scrap-book. A reporter's scrap-book. 41 An Indian brave stepped forward and unfolded a type- written manuscript from which Little Turtle read : "Whereas, the climate about Maumee has become distress- ingly unhealthy for Indians, we hereby announce that we will seek another and more favorable location for our tribes. "In moving to Canada we would respectfully ask 'the Whirl- wind' (General Wayne) to use his efforts to have the tariff re- moved from firewater and huckleberries." Sworn to and subscribed before me this dav of 1795. Little Turtle, his x mark. CHAPTER VI. Hull's Defeat — 9 to 0. In the opening days of the war of 1812 the Indians in the Northwest known as Ohio and the Maumee Valley again 'became active and a force of men was dispatched against the British and Indians. General Hull, commander, worked his way with his army as far as Detroit where he was met by a force of British and In- dians. He was challenged for a scrimmage but after looking over his antagonists he said: "You fellows go some place and get a reputation before you can fight me." The Indian chiefs parleyed and announced that he must either fight or turn over the championship belt. "We believe you have a streak of yellow," they said in brok- en English. "xA-fter having yourself interviewed by the New York papers as to what you were going to do, you come out here with a blufif which we will call. This game is advertised and is going to be pulled ofif rain or shine." "I refuse to fight my inferiors socially," haughtily announced General Hull. "Didn't the government select me because of my high social standing, my graceful step in the ballroom and my knowledge of table etiquette? Would you have me degrade my- self by fighting unsophisticated children of the forest who live on roots and muskrats?" "Rotten! Egg him! Soak him," yelled his fellow officers. "If you refuse to fight. General Hull." said the referee, "this game is forfeited to the British and Indians 'bv a score of 9 to O"^ 42 A reporter's scrap-book, CHAPTER VII. Proctor's Puddin'. This is what I call a puddin'," said General Proctor to Tecumseh as they were wending their way up the Sandusky river to Fort Stephenson after an unsuccessful attack upon Fort Meigs. In fact the general became ashamed of himself at the big force at his command going up to capture a handful of men and sent word to Major Croghan at the fort to surrender and save the slaughter. "You fellows have had a long trip to have a little fun," re- plied the major, "and I am not going to spoil it. I haven't got my furniture packed to move out yet and if you and Tecumseh want to try to evict me send in your constables. I'll try to give them the best we have in the shop." Peter Navarre, the scout, had been there in the morning with a note to the major from General Harrison advising him to retire, but he did not propose to leave without a peremptory •order. "I hate to jump onto that little fellow," said Proctor as he finally ordered an attack. "I'll send a few of the boys in to clean him up and then I'll give him a good time for a week or so to cheer him up after his licking." The assault was made but in a short time his men came roll - ing back with the news that the British and Indians had been beaten. "Wow ! That little sardine is a wonder. He can Ixk his weight in wildcats!" "We'll fix him this time for keeps," said Proctor as he or- dered a general assault. "Fine dubs!" yelled the British as the major's force begT.n mowing them down. " You spoke too latt," said Major Croghon, "There T-our wav would prohably understand what you meant if you spoke about 'the ditch that cuts across Mike Bologna's place, filled with smart weed and thistles that badly need cutting.' "Then you speak of a man 'yielding to an ebullition of feel- ing and precipitating a missle, disturbing the equanimitv of an itenerant feline.'' Why not say that the man 'threw a boot-jack at a strav cat?' A reporter's scrap-book. 73 "Your attempt to use foreign quotations reminds me of a woman trying to throw clods at a hen. They hit somewhere, but no one would pretend to guess where. Yet foreign quota- tions are not so bad to fill in when you have nothing to say, ancf want to impress others with your classical knowledge. I 'notice that the ones you use are pretty good. Indeed, they show that you were pretty careful in copying them out of the' rear pages of the dictionary. "We presume you thought you had the universe dazzled by your genius when you wrote : "Yes, with the green coverlid of Mother Earth waving in rank luxuriance at our feet, luscious fruit swinging from bend- ing boughs, the mighty forests dressed in holidav attire, the fields undulating in billowy license in the kindling dawn, the mellow atmosphere dispensing ozone in rich profusion and end- less variety to the worn down sons of toil, with the rich varie- gated scene one grand panorama of summer time, until upon hickory leaf, hawthorn hedge, evening sky and flaming aurora, the seductive bugle notes of the solemn autumnal march break with such climacteric effect and winsomness as to woo the glad hours of the live-longed day by sable charms into the fond em- brace of inanimate nature again." "We take the risk of being called an unsympathetic brute, a murderer of budding talent and a chronic knocker on every- thing aesthetic and beautiful by saying that this is absolutely the worst 'rot' every written outside a lunatic asylum. A man who can make an omelet of 'the evening sky. the flaming aurora, the seductive bugle and hickory leaves,' better travel incognito, or he will write no more stuff of that kind outside a padded cell. Treatment for paresis is recommended in this case. "Then, in speaking of a street parade, you said : 'The rythm of the gigantic movement throbbed like a mighty heart.' If you are just determined to throw yourself you might state that 'the calorific effulgence of the physiogonomy surpassed the eso- teric influence of the deodorized proletariat.' You may not see anv sense in this sentence, and there is none, but, in that respect, it is just as good as yours, and then there are more big words in it. If you think you have to say something grandiloquent, you better merely pass it up with the statement that 'no amount of slopping over would do justice to the occasion.'' "Your effort at poetry is pathetic. Indeed, we have been addicted with the same disease, until advised by friends to take something for the poetry habit. Here are a few of your lines : 74 A reporter's scrap-book. Spring- grass has begun to grow And Nature take new life, Cattle may now 'begin to low, In life's 'battle, fiercest strife. "We've seen worse rhyme than that, but don't remember just when. Since you are bound to have a poem on spring, why not let 'er run something like this : Spring colds are already here. And slush and mud and rubber boots, "Here" will rhyme with "pony beer, The other line — why nothing suits. "The latter rhyme will also tell something of the effort of the writer to make the lines jingle, and then it has the beauty of not being a slander on nature. Nearly every would-be poet takes a fall out of nature every time he takes a shot at doggerel rhyme. The fourth line of your effort has no connection with the rest, but then it isn't a bad idea to say som^ething about life's battle on general principles. It has served so well for commencement orations, that we have begun to thank that worse stuff might be used. The fact that the fourth line has no connection with the rest of the stanza is not necessarily an indication of bad poetry, for much of the stuff that comes to our ofifice is devoid of thought or rhyme, but it finally makes connection with our waste 'basket, if it doesn't with anything else. "With these slight alterations and suggestions, your manu- script sent in might be used for 'time copy,' if the items you furnished had not been stale news three weeks ago." MIDSUMMER DULLNESS. It was a hot August day at Gizeh, Egyt. The editor of the Papyrus was sitting in his office chair trying to figure out how he was to get enough copy for the week's edition of the paper, and was almost at his wits' end. The weather was intolerably hot, but as it had been hot all sum- mer there was no news in that, and, anyway, he had written columns about the weather during the summer, and did not wish to inflict any more "rot" of that kind on the public. This was long before reporters learned the knack of building modern fireproof hotels and big canning factories whenever news got scarce. Neither could the editor fall back on "The True Story of the Abduction of Charlie Ross," "Did Bill Shakespeare Write His Own Works or Hire a Substitute ?" and such other cheerful A reporter's scrap-book. 75 stories which bob up every time there is a dearth of legitimate news. Had it been to-day, the enterprising editor might go into the back room with a handsaw and chew off a rod or so of plate miscellany, full of spring poems and dissertations on how to stew turnips. But the editor of the Giceh Papyrus was thrown entirely upon his own resources. "It's too early to interview the goose-bone man, and I have mentioned the thickness of the corn husks," said the editor to the foreman, "and I'll be hanged if I can stray upon another topic. "I put a five head on that dog fight in front of Nebat's gro- cery, yesterday, when it wasn't worth a line, and you say you have Professor Fossil's paper on 'Traces of Pie Plant in the Protozoan Age' all ready for the press. Well, I've got to have some more copy." POINTER FOR STREET SPRINKLER. We would suggest to the driver of the street sprinkler that he sprinkle the sunny side of the street at least- once every summer. We notice that the dust is ankle deep along the sunny side of the street all summer, while the sidewalks on the shady side of the street are all spattered with mud which the horses have splashed while kicking at flies in the pools of water under the shade trees. VOX HANK MUSTAPHUS. Several weeks ago we received a communication signed *'Vox Poptili" which intimated in a sly- manner that the whole world was standing on the tiptoe of- expectancy to hear the name of Hank Mustaphus named for assessor in the Sixth ward. In the communication it was shown that the autumn breezes were whispering of him, and horses and cattle would lay awake nights trying to murmur his name. We think we would have no trouble in laying our hands on the writer of the communication, as we recall that Hank got just three votes for the job two years ago, one of which was that of his brother-in-law, another his cousin, and the third vote we suspect was none other than that of Hank liimself. We would suggest that "the voice of the people" could shout three or four times as loud as that for Hank without deafening anybody. 76 A rkporter's scrap-book. PROMINENT CITIZEN TALKS. "Are nmskmelons or green pears productive of the most cholera morbus?" was asked a prominent citizen by the Papyrus to-day. "I don't know," was the reply. "I am not an expert on cholera morbus. I'll tell you what you might say to your read- ers. You know it is a trite saying that. every boil a man has is worth ten shekels. Just tell your readers that I have two or three on my hands that I will be glad to let go at 8.78." "Any new business blocks going up this fall?" was asked. "None that I know of." "Anybody sick, dead, married or eloped down your way?" "No ; everything is serene." "Perhaps somebody has found a freak gourd or a two-headed calf?" persisted the reporter. "Nary a one." "Seen any meteors or ghosts lately?" "Naw." "Any scandal or gasoline explosion?" "Not one." "Any new arrivals at the Gizeh inn?" "Not one in three weeks." "Any old guests I might interview on business conditions or the price of ostrich eggs in Memphis?" "Only two out-of-town guests left there this summer. One that cross-eyed old maid with whiskers from Memphis, and the other Mose Tympanum from Sakahara." Mose is deaf, and I'll be hanged if I interview that old maid any more on woman's suffrage. Heard anv new fish stories?" persisted the Papyrus. "Not a one." "Any stories of any kind that we might use?" "Nope." "What in blazes do you know, anyhow? I've got to have a half-column more before I go to press." "I don't know a peskv thing. A fellow that knows nothing isn't responsible for anything." "You ought to take advantage of the bankrupt law and start over to learn something," suggested the reporter. "Well. Bill," said the editor to the foreman, "use the stuff I've just got up. Then put in the six ads for the Papyrus telling that 'now is the time to subscribe,' use my old circulation lie at A reporter's scrap-book. 77 the head of the editorial page, and I will write two or three communications to the Papyrus, and sign 'em an 'Old Subscriber/ 'Veritas' and 'Pro Bono Publico.' This sheet has got to come out on time if I have to go down and lick the mayor to get enough stuff." SEWING SOCIETIES AT GIZEH "The regular meeting of the Gizeh Sewing Society will be held with Mrs. Benhadad Thursday afternoon, August 24. Besides making a silk crazy quilt for the heathen in Europe, the afternoon will be spent in the discussion of 'Lofty Ideas in Character Building,' " This note, signed by the secretary of the society, had been sent to the editor of the Gizeh Papyrus with the request that it be given a good big head and run every issue until the event. The editor naturally wondered where the news of the item lay after printing it three or four times, but like the editors of to-day. took it good naturedly and gave it sixteen free notices and never received a "thank you" from a member of the society. The meeting day arrived and the members began to assemble at Mrs. Benhadad's home. Mrs. Pileser was the first to arrive. She was greeted warmly at the door and told to remove her wraps and make herself at home. "What a lovely pink waist you have on !" said the hostess as Mrs. Pileser threw off her cape and sank back into a chair. "Do you like it?" inquired Mrs. Pileser in feigned surprise, for she had set her heart on making her sister sewers sore and envious. "Well, I hope you do like it as well as Mrs. Peach- arino's organdie ; I got it on a bargain counter down at Memphis. Was marked two shekels a yard and I got it for only 1.98 shekels. Nothing like it in Gizeh." "Why, that's a dream !" exclaimed Mrs. Benhadad. Mrs. Peacharino isn't in your class. She always makes me weary, anyhow." "I feel the same way," said Mrs. Pileser. "She thinks she's some pumpkins and is trying to marry her cross-eyed daughter into the Ducat family, but she'll do well to catch a camel driver. She has none of the grace or accomplishments of my daughter, Beatrice, and if anybody is to get a banker's son, Beatrice is entitled to recogfnition." "Delighted to see you," said Mrs. Pileser, as she arose from the chair and stood greeting Mrs. Peacharino effusively. She 78 A reportkr's scrap-boqk. was careful, though, to stand where the Hght would show off her new waist to best advantage. Mrs. Peacharino noticed the movement, but she checked her inclination to frown, and pretended not to notice the new gown. Taking a silent vow to outshine Mrs. Pileser at the next meet- ing, if she had to mortgage her home, she talked about every- thing except dress, and spent the rest of the afternoon in trying to divert a discussion of this topic, but with only partial success. As Mrs. Abel-mandeb was not present, the chat turned upon the rumor that her daughter had started to run away with "the hired hand." Mrs. Abel-mandeb was scored unmercifully, ancf it was intimated that if she had not set a bad example herself in talking with every old rebrobate, the conduct of the daughter would have been better. P>y reason of this censure by all present, Mrs. Abel-mandeb was received even more warmly that other guests. Women who a few minutes before were talking most recklessly, went to greet her when the doorbell rang. So the afternoon passed away. There was the late arrival who thought it fashionable to come late and make more of a display ; there was the old maid with whiskers and a mole on her chin that bespoke of "women's independence" and some man's happy escape, and there were some of those good, sensible women, whom men 'in all ages delight to honor. All, however, were interested in the latest design of hat or gown, and most of them were not averse to talking about some other woman who was not present. The crazy-quilt was stitched amid the discussion of the fashion sheet, and the newest scandal from the king's court. "Lofty Ideas in Character Building" was sidetracked with much the same skill that men use in turning "an intellectual feast" into a story- telling contest, and the subject of the day was turned over to the school teachers to discuss at institutes. But all this happened in the barbarian days of the past, ages before the highly intellectual and moral heights of the present civilization had been reached. P. S. — A number of out-of-town subscribers to the Giceh Papyrus have asked us to give the pronunciation of the paper and town of Gizeh. Gizeh is a little town founded at the time the pyramids of Egypt were started, and is right near those his- toric piles. Gizeh, also spelled Gheezeh, is pronounced "Gee-zeh," accent on the first syllable, "g" pronounced as in "get."" "Papy- rus" is pronounced "pa-py-rus," accent on second syllable. The A rkporter's scrap-book. 79 present town of Gizeh is on the west bank of the Nile, three miles southwest of the modern city of Cairo, and now claims 10,500. We know this is right, for we looked it up in a dic- tionary. We people of Gizeh, however, would resent any infer- ence that the people of that city were "geezers," and make no claim for the origin of that vulgar word. FIGHTING EDITOR IN GOOD FORM. "We have been delayed in getting out this week's edition of the Papyrus," wrote the editor of Gizeh's great organ, "but we think we are safe in saying that it will not be delayed again soon from the same cause. We have just enjoyed a meeting, that to us was decidedly pleasing, with Mike Bunco, the ward heeler, corporation robber and would-be political boss. "In our issue of last week, we took occasion to call attention to some crooked work done by Mike recently. A few days after publication, we received two anoymous letters, both in the same handwriting, and mailed at the same time asking us to dis- charge the reporter who, it was supposed, wrote the article. We examined the handwriting, if it may be called that, and then compared it with a manuscript sent in several weeks ago on 'How to Run the Universe." This article was signed 'Mike Bunco,' and there was no mistaking the fact that they were written by the same person. Those pot-hooks, warped potato mashers and sketches of an Indian jungle, could not have been scrawled by any other than Mike In his article, Mike growled at Providence for not having the Nile overflow twice a year in- stead of once, wanted palm trees to grow bread, rice and sweet potatoes all ready to eat, and w anted to cross bees with light- ning bugs to make them work at night. Mike then borrowed Bill Higgins' paper for three weeks to look for the article, yet he wanted to sign the communication 'Old Subscriber.' "We have been aching for some time to see this old sneak to remind him of some clothing stolen oflf our line several nights ago, when we saw him making away with them, but we have not had an opportunity to see him until today, when he came to our office. "Mike came in the front door with a whip made of alliga- tor skin, under his left arm. He looked mad as he sauntered up to the desk where we were working on a tariff editorial. " 'I am Hon. A. Q. M. Bunco !" he said, swelling up like a toad, and stretching himself up to his full height. 8o A reporter's scrap-book. " 'Glad to know that you have an "honorable" to your name. It's the only honorable thing I ever heard about you,' we re- plied, continuing our work. "'Who's responsible for that article?' he snorted. "'I am. I wrote it myself. It's true, isn't it?' we replied calmly. " 'Well, you can prepare to take one of the worst lickings you ever had in your life,' he said, taking up his whip, 'and here is a correction you will run in the next paper, or I'll cut off your county printing.' " 'Who's running this shop, anyhow ?' we said. 'Do you think we are going to sit here like a bump on a log and take instructions from an unhung villain like you?' "We felt pretty good that morning, anyhow, and as we gave up the duties of the sanctum for a few moments, we did it cheer- fully from a sense of public duty. We grabbed Bunco by the collar, and after thrashing him around in the air for a few times, threw him through the front door. We omit the painful details. When Bunco hobbled off he looked like he had been run through a feed cutter and he had door knobs on his anatomy that re- sembled a physical map of Abyssinia. We have to apologize to our readers for not killing him on the spot, but it might have in- terferred with getting out our paper today. The public must remember that we have other public duties that must be consid- ered. As it was, it took us some time to scrub the floor and get the sanctum in its usual orderly condition. "Some day when we are over his way, we will drop in and give him a dog button or some insect powder. We shall do this with the same cheerfulness that we threw him through the front window, as our time is given over to the interest of public morals. We shall not have the usual solicitude about putting a man out of the way, but we will send a note of congratulation to his wife. She can then care for her six children at the washtub without having to board and feed him in addition. "The correction that Bunco wanted us to print is given merely as a matter of news to our readers. Here is what the old reprobate wanted us to say: 'Through an unfortunate error on the part of some one of malicious intent, the fair name of Hon. A. Q. AI. Bunco has been held in question by a suspicion of a whisper. We are sick at heart, demoralized, overwhelmed, humiliated and astounded by this whisper of anything against the honored name of that great leader of his party, the pride of A reporter's scrap-book. 81 his fellow townsmen and the glory of the nation, Hon. A. Q. M. Bunco.' "Mike tackled the wrong man when he thought we would jolly him. He thinks he has us down on the matter of county printing, and threatens that he will not allow needed improve- ments is our ward, unless we go in with his gang. We will say right here that if we never so much as get a street sign for our ward, and we have to get out in our bare feet and let water off the streets with a hoe to prevent crocodiles from swimming past our doors, we will show him up just the same. He forgets that we remember the time he stole the city blind by acting as a go-between for a supply house while he was chairman. He may not recall the occasion when he robbed the mite boxes for the poor, and then perjured himself to send his accomplice to the pen. He is a man of no party, but is in politics for revenue only. He thinks the town will go to rack if he ever leaves or dies, but we will inform him right here that voluntary subscriptions are now coming in like hot cakes for a monster celebration the moment he gets through his meal of insect powder." MAKE IT HOT FOR EVIL DOERS. "You are sentenced to a thousand days in the workhouse," said the police judge of Gizeh, Egypt, as he glanced up from his book of law statutes. "I am sorry I can't send you up for a million years, but the law won't allow me," he continued. "A lazy loafer like you, who spends his time drinking strong waters, steals money his wife earns at a wash tub, and then beats her because she has no more, ought to be run through a sausage grinder or flayed alive." The prisoner took his sentence quietly. He slunk back for a moment, but recovered his defiant look. "You forget that I have a pull in the Twenty-first ward. We'll fix you next election," he hissed out under his breath, which smelled to high heaven of sour beer. , The turnkey led the prisoner out and down into a cell until- he could be taken to the workhouse. The patrol wagon per- formed this service and two hours later he found himself in the superintendent's ofifice at the workhouse. , "It's too bad that the police judge spoke so rudely to you," was explained. 82 A reporter's scrap-book. "He does not belong to our gang, 'but while he may have spoken harshly, perhaps the formality of the sentence will fool the public." "Is mine pardon ready?" was asked. "You bet," was the reply. "Got some of the best citizens of the city on the petition. The public is easy when it comes to signing petitions. There is no money in keeping wife-beaters anyhow. Too much of the money goes into the relief fund for the family." "We are not so certain but that this talk of prison reform is all bosh," wrote the editor of the Papyrus. Hie was speaking of the case cited above and the tendency of the times to pardon nine-tenths of the prisoners and send bou- quets, furnish big dinners and otherwise heroize the rest of the vicious element of the community, which ever and anon found its way behind the bars. "Who cares if the prisons are poorly ventilated, if the pris- oners have to work more than eight hours a day, or even if they pass away into the hereafter? It seems to us a matter of su- preme indifference whether the loafers, wife-beaters, cut-throats and thugs live or die inside the prison walls. The more who die there, the better it will he for the race left, and the less incentive to crime would be given those viciously inclined out- side the prison. What deterrent influence has a prison, with bouquets, poterhouse steak and a good warm place to sleep, upon the cut-throat, the wife-beater and the professional highwaymen? "We are backed up in this view by statistics which we have carefully tabulated from the .prison records. In the good, old days, people regarded it a stigma upon a man to be arrested, and he was made to feel his punishment. Thg wife-beater was taught in the only appeal that could he made to him, given fifty lashes a day for the three years which he was incarcerated, the cut-throat who bound and gagged his victim and used hot pok- ers to extort money, was forced to walk harefoot through live coals once a day, branded on the back with red-hot irons, and then burned at the stake on the sixtieth day, while the hands of the light fingered 'boodle' alderman were cut ofif with as little con- cern as a jailor of today takes up a newspaper. Perhaps this plan is not altogether founded along sentimental lines, but it does the business. "Previously to the adoption of this method, crime had been rampant. The following statistics for the year 1901 B. C. will go to show some of the facts : A reporter's scrap-book. 83. "Highway robberies 3 "Murderers 2 "Wives beaten by husbands 367,78J> "Drunks '. 4.543,67-8 "City sold out by council • 436 "The next year the penal code went into operation and crime was brought up with a swift jerk. Here is the record for that year : "Highway roberies 3 "Mureders 2 "Wives beaten 1 "Drunks 23 "Aldermen hung 2 "The plea of insanity and drunkenness, which had been used to excuse crime, was disregarded, the judge curtly stating that if a man was insane or crazy drunk, he vv^as not a safe man to allow running around loose and he was sent up just the same, only with an additional penalty for being drunk or insane. "It is remarkable what a wholesome regard for law was se- cured in this way," continued the editor. "We certainly are opposed to going back to the pardoning and porterhouse steak plan for criminals, at least until the law gets hold of a certain delinquent subscribers that we now have in mind." IN A QUANDARY "We find ourselves halting between two ideas," wrote the editor of the Gi::eh Papyrus, as he seized his stylus and pro- ceeded to mark hyeroglyphics upon the papyrus beneath his hand. "Heretofore we have kept 'hewing to the line, letting the chips fall where they may.' and trying to dodge all the rocks, cabbage and eggs that have been hurled our way, depending upon our sense of right and our hope that posterity will call us blessed for our efforts. "Now we, have begun to wonder whether it is better to roast or to jolly a fellow who does wrong — whether, as con- servator of public morals and boss opinion molders, it is better to tell a fellow he is a good thing and try to reform him or throw the hooks into him and depend upon the withering scorn of his fellows to do the same job in better shape. "Now, that we have begun to discuss the matter, we will take our readers into our confidence and tell them just how we feel 84 A reporter's SCRx\P-B0OK. about this matter. Three weeks ago Bill Abdullah met us on the street and congratulated us on the manner in which we had shown up the action of some young bloods of the city, and telling us how much good the Papyrus was doing in exposing evil and sin in every form. "A few days after we had seen Bill, we learned of a shady real estate deal in which he had sold a house to a washwoman for 500 shekels, and after she had paid in 675 shekels, interest and all, he had stolen the property under foreclosure proceedings. We took occasion to mention this matter in the Papyrus, and Bill has seemed offended ever since, notwithstanding his advice to hit evil whenever it stuck up its head. Then Bill's son got mixed up in a peck of trouble, and Bill was the first man to appear at our office and request us to keep it out of print to save the family "We have sometimes wondered if it had been better to jolly Bill and refer to his strict integrity, and how he would not stoop to trickery and deceit, and depond upon. Bill to brace up, not- withstanding the fact that a man who will pass a counterfeit shekels on a blind orphan girl wasn't an manhood to reach. Had I decided to jolly Bill, he might have bought a copy of the Papyrus and mailed it to his only friend, a jailor at Memphis. "Sometimes we fear that the public has a wrong idea of the editor of the Papyrus — that he is regarded as a cross between a fire-eating dragon and ja. half-baked hyena, and feel that he has no kind word for anybody. Last week we took occasion to note the arrival of Jim Ducat's baby, and meant to be complimentary in saying it had a head just like its father. Jim went up in the air when he saw it — claimed it was a deliberate slap at his bald- ness — a matter about which Jim is painfully sensitive. "Attorney Sumpunkins has also seemed offended at us ever a casual remark made about a damage suit. We incidentally stated that we did not know which was more vicious, manu- factured testimony in a suit for damages where the plaintiff was wholly at fault, or stealing nine-tenths of the money from the in- jured man after he had received a verdict. "Then, again, one of Gizeh's officials has acted rather un- friendly. It seems that in our hurry to get out on time two weeks ago, this item appeared : " 'Since receiving an annual pass from the Memphis & Gizeh packet line, Judge Michael Megacephalitis has modified his opinion relative to allowing the packet line to land goods at Cue street, holding that, according to Footnote "z," Section 738935, Mummified Statutes from Babylonian Antiquities and Protozoan A RE pointer's scrap-book. 85 Records, "A packet line may land any place not watched by police," and it is claimed a policeman has not been seen on Cue street in nine years.' "As to the error made in the Papyrus, we would state that the reference to the annual pass was an oversight, merely jotted down to remind ourselves of a reason for the change of opinion, and was in no manner essential to the decision rendered. "After arousing this unfriendly feeling on the part of these men recently, we are undecided which is the better course to pursue," continued the editor of the Papyrus. "We don't care to be always regarded as a literary cactus, as a chained bloodhounid looking for trouble, yet we propose to continue the work of re- forming Gizeh's citizens if it costs a leg. Can we reach wrong- doers better by jollying than by roasting them, by telling their good points until they will feel as cheap as a Babylonian three- cent piece, or by painting their sins in such graphic colors that there will be a big stampede toward reform ?" MISCELLANEOUS SPORTING EDITOR AT A MUSICALE. The church editor was sick and the musical critic on another .assignment so the musicale at the Fifth Avenue Methodist church fell to the lot of the sporting editor. The sporting editor took the assignment with some mis- givings, but as he had evinced no little versatility the city editor thought him equal to. the occasion. It was about 10 o'clock of the following day when his story was up and handed to the city editor. Here it is head and all: FROM A FLYING START. FIFTH AVENUE CHURCH CHOIR GETS AWAY O. K. OTHER MUSICALES DISTANCED ON THE TLIIRD QUARTER. PROF. BATON'S LINE PLUNGING A FEATURE. B\SSO H. PROFUNDO KICKS GOAL FROM THE FIELD. 86 A reporter's scrap-book. The grand stand was well filled and there was a fair sprink- ling on the bleachers when the choir of the Fifth Avenue church got away at the musicale last evening. There was considerable jockeying for position on the start, but when Professor Baton showed his disgust of the whole business by bringing his club down with a force that cut through the air like Casey missing a drop curve, the quartet braced up and got away in a hunch. It was nip and tuck until they turned the second quarter, when the soprano began to gain and both she and the contralto gradually drew away from the basso and the classic tenor until every man in the grand stand would have been wilHng to put up his last dollar that they would finish first. Indeed they had already begun to show their triumph and were shouting "Hallelujah when there was some Alphonse and Gaston business, and to the surprise of all the four trotted under the wire together. Miss Index played one of Chopin's valses, "valises" as the man at my right put it, though it sounded more like a sample trunk. Miss Falsetto put up the soprano solo of the evening. She started strong and then swinging several hooks and upper cuts made a high dive that had 'em all guessing. Sidestepping for a little she made several passes and feints, and when we ducked to avoid punishment she swung left to body and right to jaw and had us groggy when the gong sounded. The next event was a reverie from Tannhauser, by Professor -Harry Kopp, with violin obligato by A. Minor Key. Professor Kopp does himse/f an injustice in playing such H selection before an audience of musicians. We have heard -him in "Chopin's Polonaise" at the conservatory at Suttgart and there he had opportunity to display his sublime genius. In this reverie from Tannhauser he is entirely too "andante" and with the bases full and two men out, he should be a little more risque and fortissimo. Later in the evening, however, Professor Kopp ■scored a triumph in one of Wagner's "catch as catch can." A Minor Key made a touch down in the violin obigato. While onlv making a one base hit at the start, he slid to second, stole third and was at the home plate before Professor Kopp was able to flag him. His technique and expression are good and his endurance shows the ofifect of careful diet at the training table. How- ever, we would suggest that his imitation of the sighing of the wind would be more effective if he wore whiskers. H. Basso Profundo in his eflfort would improve if put on the bench for a time for playing off side. He tries to make a hit A reporter's scrap-book. 87 with the girls in the grand stand, and when he steps up to the bat and really fans out he seems to imagine he has made a home run. Taken as a whole the 'team work of the choir is good. The soprano is good tn end runs and the tenor is all right at interfer- ence, but the basso should be able to smash through the centre to better effect. The crowd is pretty fair at trick plays, and with proper coaching will out-play anything of their weight before the end of the season. MODERN IDEAS IN TEXTBOOKS There must be up-to-date text books for the schools ! Children are crying for them more than for soothing syrup, and there is a genuine demand aside from the periodical wail of book manufacturers and men who get a large whack at the school funds by reason of "influence" exerted in introducing them. The plain fact of the matter is that our school books are antiquated, behind the times and in no way in keeping with modern ideas of civilization. The drift of population to the cities has created a demand for books with reading matter which the children understand. What's the use of talking about sheaves of wheat, plows, self- binders, alsike clover, and bumblebees, when not one child in a dozen ever saw any of them? What's the use even of talking of the sky, or the sun or the moon, when the smoke and great skyscrapers are rapidly shutting them out from view ? Why not speak of things and events as they are seen in the cities and in language that the most thick-headed urchin can understand? But criticism without suggesting a remedy is merely to get the reputation for being a knocker, so it is designed to give a few A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. suggestions that will help book-makers and authors out of trou- ble. Here is an idea for a reading lesson for the lower grades ; Here is a Great Man. He Controls the gang in the "umpty- steenth" ward. He has a Pull with the Guv of the State also with the Elevated Railroad. He says who shall be Assessor, who shall get Jobs on the L road and Work on the Street, as well as who shall have the Snaps in the City offices. He is Called a Boss by people in the other party, but we know him to be a Patriot. Then, of course, the schools will warn "pieces to speak." The little boy who has been reciting about his dog named Rover who died all over, will have to be appeased with something like this : Johnny had a little wheel. Whose bearings didn't fit ; He rode the wheel against a curb^ Johnny hasn't got his bearings "yit." The rhyme is a little far-fetched and the poetic feet are not mates, but the idea is there. A lesson to teach self-restraint and take the place of the story of the boy who did not know the gun was loaded may be given : DON'T LOITER OX THE STREET. Sammy Jones was coming home from school one day. He had been boning hard in order to smear the prof at the next quiz in electricity, and his head was full of ohms, volts, dynamos, A reporter's scrap-book. 89 insulators and alternating currents. Spying a live trolley wire in the street, he stooped down to examine it. The wire is alive yet, but Sammy isn't. However, he is still full of volts and alter- nating currents and has gone to his long "ohm." Moral — Boys may play carelessly with the tame bear at the zoo, but should steer clear of the business end of a trolley wire. Then there is the old story of the boy who cried wolf three times and fooled the people so bad that when the wolf finally ap- peared he could get no help and the wolf had all kinds of mutton. This may be replaced by a story, which, by the way, is an actual occurence in a Toledo factory : NEVER LIE UNLESS THERE IS MONEY IN IT. A policeman's beat took him past a large glue factory. Every evening it was his custom to Throw the Con into a Dutch watchman at the factory. He would tell him that the building was afire, and twice the fire department was summoned only to find all serene. The Dutchman was Crazy, but the policeman was Fourteen blocks away when the department arrived. The policeman had Lied deliberately when there was no Money in his Pocket in doing so. One day the fire Fiend made his appearance in earnest. The Policeman told the Watchman to ring in an alarm, but the Dutchman told him to go Fly a Kite, or words to that Effect. The fire was already doing business in the Basement and the Policeman ran two blocks liked a scared Dog until he got to a fire box and rang in a call. The fire was put out, but not until it had burned up a Mattress which Belonged to the Policeman and which He Used after the Sergeant had passed him at night. There are changes in history and geography to be made. Since the Spanish and Philippine war and the trouble in South Africa, the bov or girl who can not name the chief exports from the island of Minandaeo and locate Rhodes Spruit and Karee Siding is behind the times. The schoolboy orator must no longer say "from Maine to California" in speaking of our great and glorious land, but must say from, the tropical island of Porto Rico to the realm of the Sultan of Sulu. Reference to Dewey must be given with reserve as for example : "Admiral Dewey is the man who is supposed to have whipp- ed the Spanish at Manila bay. We do not know whether he is a great man, as he isn't dead yet. Some say he achieved a won- derful victory at Manila, but others claim that he could not help 90 A reporter's scrap-book. but whip the Spaniards and that all he had to do was to follow the plan outlined for him in a certain yellow journal." We must stick by our fellow citizens in other climes and the treatment of the subject of cannibalism is dismissed with the statement that it is a harmless kind of pastime enjoyed by our people in the Pacific islands, not as dangerous as football and less brutal than prize fig-hting. There are other changes and suggestions, but enought has been said to give a general idea of the reforms that must be made in our text books. BILL PLATT'S "BAR" STORY. Dr. D. M. Marshall, formerly of Toledo, but now a resident of Forestport, N. Y., has a decided penchant for fishing and hunting, and has made frequent excursions into the Adirondacks. While on one of these tours, "Bill" Piatt, a veteran guide and hunter, accompanied the party. Seated around the camp fire one night the hunter related this story which he solemnly vouched for as a fact: "I was out huntin' one day," he said, "and I got separated from my partner. Never saw him any more till that night in camp. I went along slowly for I was making a still hunt, and kept a sharp lookout for deer or 'bar.' It was long toward the middle of the afternoon and I came out into an opening and de- cided to sit down and rest awhile. While I was settin' there I noticed a big flock of crows circling around a big stump about a quarter of a mile away, and I determined to see what was the matter. Slipping up carefully toward the spot, I saw a big black 'bar' settin' on his haunches and the crows circling round him. They would dart down at him and he would keep knocking them now with one paw and then with the other. I watched the crows pestering the 'bar' for a while and then grabbed hold of my gun. 'Here's big game,' I thought to myself as I rammed down an extra heavy slug. . The 'bar' was a big one and I wanted to make sure of my game. Taking careful aim, I fired and the 'bar' fell dead in his tracks. He was a monster big fellow, but say, do you know to this day that 'bar' thinks it was them crows that killed him?" A reporter's scrap-book. 91 AN EAST SIDE PICTURE. Aug. 31, 1901. Almost in the heart of the city yet in a sequestered spot whose quiet is only disturbe;d by the occasional rumbling of a train, is a view so comprehensive and interesting as to be worthy of more than a passing mention. The place is on a high bank overlooking the river, with two lines of railroads one one almost above the other, the tracks of the lower one being almost at the water's brink. The spot has been the scene of activity in earlier days when all travel was along the river, but the paved street on a line carry- ing travel more directly into the heart of the city, has supplanted this indirect though more picturesque route. The scene presented is not so marvelously beautiful, yet there is a rare blending of nature and man's handiwork that makes the place absorbingly interesting. The spot is little visited, yet there is perhaps no place in Toledo where so much of the city can be seen at one glance, without climbing into the tower of the Nasby or upon the Spitzer building. From this point of vantage, at Greenwood avenue and the river, may be seen the magnificient river front from Cherry street to beyond the bridge at Fassett street. It was Sunday evening as the writer paused here. The chimes of the Good Shepherd church had just announced the hour of six. The sun was setting behind the gray clouds in the west and the river stretched out with its wealth of purple, pink and gold. At the right an engine moved leisurely down to the Ohio Central docks, the safety valve hissing. The engine had just been turned over by the "hostler" to the night crew and the engineer was pulling on his blouse preparatory to the night's work. A naphtha launch darted along the river, its engine popping away like a miniature gatling gun. Beneath the canvas of the launch was a group of tired yet happy people, enjoying the return trip to the city after an outing up the river. They had been cruising among the lotus beds as the golden hued flowers in the launch went to show. A few minutes later another launch conveying a yacht from the 'bay was seen making its way towards its place of mooring up the river. As you turn from watching this scene you see the State of New York move leisurely up towards its wharf, laden down with 92 A reporter's scrap-book. Put-in Bay passengers, the walking beam of the engine moving slowly and the smoke curling lazily from the two black smoke- stacks. The vessel is already aflame with light. It is growing dusk now. The red lights of the Lake Shore bridge blink out as you glance that way and see a train moving across and winding into the Union station with a "clickety-click" over the switches. Behind this bridge you may discern the long up-river bridge standing dimly outHned against the horizon. In one sweep along the river you see in silhouette the grim grain elevators, the vessels at the ore docks bristling with masts, the huge smokestacks of the Traction company power house standing like sentinels at the water's edge, while farther back may yet be discerned the tower of the Nasby and the spires of numerous churches. As you stand in silent contemptation of the scene, your med- itation is rudely disturbed by a heavy Pennsylvania train that comes thundering up grade and in front of you only a few feet distant. Fantasy and awe gives way to reality, just as when one wakens from a vivid dream. CONTENTS. Page Introductory 5 A Few Homely Proverbs 7 A Much Needed American Club 8 Plain Talks on Citizenship — Civic Ideals 10 The Price of Government 10 Bosses or Leaders, Which? 11 Machine Rule in Toledo 13 Elect the Right Men 13 Only One Vital Issue 14 Party Planks Needed 15 A Fight for Free Speech 17 It's Up to You 17 An Open Letter 18 Foraker on the Rate Bill 20 Fair Play or a Square Deal 21 A Bit of Verse — Humility— A Birthday Thought 23 The Bugle, Fife and Drum 25 Steedman at Chickamauga 26 In the Year '00 27 Plain 'Taters and Sop -28 Maumee Valley History in Ragtime — Chapter I — Bill Nemo "Butts Into" Science 30 Chapter II — The Whenceness of the Indian 33 Chapter III — 'How Chris Discovered Us 35 Chapter IV — Gospel and Grafters 37 Chapter V — Wayne's Victory 39 Chapter VI— Hull's Defeat— 9 to 41 Chapter VII— Proctor's Puddin' 42 Chapter VIII— Perry's Knockout Blow 43 94 A reporter's scrap-book. GizEH Papyrus Stories — Pyramid Day at Gizeh 45 The Unfinished Story 49 An Egyptian Romance 52 Society Life at Gizeh 55 Gizeh Papyrus Notes L 57 Editor's Experience with Burglars 60 A Ijttle Pontics at Gizeh 62 Spellbinders at Gizeh 66 Editor Hits from the Shoulder 69 Editor's Advice to Young Writer 72 Midsummer Dullness 74 Sewing Societies at Gizeh 77 Fighting Editor in Good Form 79 Make It Hot for Evil Doers 81 In a Quandary 93 Miscellaneous — Sporting Editor at a Musicale 85 Modern Ideas in Textbooks 87 Bill Piatt's "Bar" Story 90 An East Side Picture 91 N iiimm.'i!,*"^ °^ CONGRESS 018 349 327 9