INCH'S STANDARD R 3682 n - * No. LV1. * 380 >py 1 THE CRITIC C B* A TRAGEDY REHEARSED. 21 JPramattc pece IN TWO ACTS. BY RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERtDAN \ frier, -rife Hew Yoek: Londok i SAMUEL FRENCH & SOK, SAMUEL FRENPK, PUBLISHERS, PUBLISHER, 28 WEST 23d STREET, 89, STRAND; - _^tfrury Lane, 1779. Mr. Dodd. ^<. . " Palmer. ^giary " Parsons. " Phillimore. " King. ngle Mrs. Hopkins. Characters rd Burleigh. Mr. Moody. jov. of Tilbury Fort " Wrighten. Earl of Leicester — ' F irren Sir Walter Raleigh.. " Burton. Sir ChrisVr Hatton. " Waldron. Master of the Horse " Ksnny. Beefeater " Wright Whiskerandos " Bannister. Sentinel " Heath. First Niece Miss Collet. Second Niece " Kerby. Confidant Mrs. Bradshaw. Tilburina Miss Pope. <>^^ CI rt»° CHARACTERS. Arch, Phil, 1847. Park, 1841 Mr. C. Smith. Mr. Chanfrau " J. C. Dunn. " Stark. " Thayer. " Bass. " Jervis. " Jones. " G. Barrett. " G. Barrett Mrs. Rogers. Miss Gordon of the Tragedy. Mr. Jervis. Mr. Gallot " Greene. ** Arderson. " Wright " A. Andrew* " Eberle. " McDouall - Rae. " Matthewa, " Warden. " Milot. " Burke. " Sprague. '• Burton. " Fisher. " Stewart. " Heath. Mrs. Dunn. Miss Flynn. " Ribas. Mrs. Burrowa. " Hughes. " Dyott. " Greene. " Vernon. c COSTUMES. .DANGLE. — Blue coat, white waistcoat, black pantaloons, black silk stockings, anC pumps SNLER. — Blue coat, waistcoat, a.--, 1 breeches, ditto silk stockings, pumps an* latchets. and cocked hat. SIR FRETFUL PLAGIARY.— Brown coat, with steel buttons, embroidered satic waistcoat, brown breeches, white s.lk stockings, shoes, buckles, powdered wig and tail, three-cornered hat, lace frill /uffles, and gloves. PUFF. — Blue coat, white waistcj .t, black pantaloons, black silk stockings, p-napa, gloves, and cocked hat. Characters of the Tragedy. LORD BURLEIGH Dark velvet old English dress, with trunks, cloak, and hat with feathers, red stockings, and russet shoes. GOVERNOR OF TILBURY FORT.— Crimson velvet robe, body, and trunks, rich- ly spangled, crimson stockings, russet boots, hat and feathers, sword, belt, and^ gauntlets. EARL OF LEICESTER.— Blue or purple velvet body, trunks, and cloak, stockings, russet shoes, sword, hat and feathers, and gauntlets. g MR WALTER RALEIGH.— Brown velvet shape, with cloak, red stocking set shoes, hat and feathers, sword, belt, gauntlets, ruff, &c. ^ SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON.— Light blue shape, cloak and belt, hM ' thers, bluestocking*, shoes, ruff, and gauntlets. ^at anr< MASTER OF THE HORSE— Grpy shape, blue stockings, cloak, h;;t and tea thers, sword, belt, gauntlets, and russet shoes. BEEFEATER. — Dark velvet shape, yeoman-of-the-guard's coat over, red stock ings, ru?set shoes, round, flat, black velvet bat and ribbons, and large ruff. WHISKER ANDOS— Black velvet body and trunks, with white siflt puffs, and sil- ver buttons, large ruff, white 6hoes with red ribbons, cross-belt and sword, sugar- loaf hat, and large plume of various coloured feathers, and ruffles. MRS. DANGLE. — Neat white muslin morning dress. TILBURINA. — Brocade silk dress, "with hoops, elbow sleeves, with lace ruffles, drest open in front, showing white satin richly embroidered petticoat, jewelled stomach- er, gloves, and large fan, Queen Elizabeth's frill, crimson satin high-heeled shoes, embroidered, full-powdered head-dress ornamented with ace, lappcta, and jewels. Second dress: White satin, white shoes, &c. CONFIDANT. — Old satin hooped dress of silk, powdered head-dress, with laprAto, high-heeled shoes, &c. NIECES. — Crimson and green satin robes, white satin dresses, richly spao^ 4 *'* «»< veils EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. The ♦• Critic " was obviously suggested by the Duke of Buckingham's " Rehearsal," of which, indeed, it is a very pal- pable imitation. But in its adaptation to the stage, it is a great improvement on its clever prototype. Although many attempts have since been made in the same vein, it holds its place as the oest "dramatization" of the humors of the green-room and the coulisses. In his double capacity of Manager and Author, Sher- idan had abundant opportunities for detecting many of those characteristic absurdities and unrehearsed stage- effects, which he has ingeniously introduced in this piece. The character of Sir Fretful Plagiary is generally believed to have been intended for Cumberland, author of " The West Indian," and one or two more successful, and some dozen un- successful plays. The surmise is probably not unfounded. A day or two after the production of one of Sheridan's Comedies, it is said, a friend met the author, and told him he had seen Cum- berland at the theatre on its representation. " Ah, well," re- plied Sheridan, •' what did he say to it ?" " He wasn't seen to Smile from the beginning to the end of the Comedy," said the friend. " Come, now, that's very ungrateful of him," retorted Sheridan ; " for I went to see his tragedy the other evening, and laughed through the whole of it." * k Mr. Puff's histo/y of the art and mystery of puffing," says a London theatrical critic, " like Touchstone's several degrees of the lie, is humorous and legitimate satire. Shendon, from his promiscuous and unrestrained intercourse with society, hign and low, literary and illiterate, had a perfect knowledge of life in all its singular varieties, from the six-bottle bon vivant to the mere newspaper hack, who dives for a dinner. Our author took the hint of the auctioneers from Foote's farce of * The Minor,' ^Foote having the original before him in the celebrated Lang- IV EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. ford,) which Morton, considering as fair game, has made e\ el- lent use of in Sir Abel Handy's scene w : th Farmer Ashfield, ia the comedy of ' Speed the Plough.' Dangle and Sneer are in- troduced chiefly for the purpose of shewing up Sir Fretful and ^uff. Dangle, who is said to have been intended for a Mr. Thomas Vaughan, author of ' The Hotel,' is one of those tbe« fttrical amateurs, who besiege a manager with impertinent flattery and gratuitous advice — one of those green-room loungers, 4 Who for a play-house freedom sell their own; 1 while Mr. Sneer is one of those carping characters, who Inherit wit in the same degree with the ape, — he has just sufficient to make him mischievous. It would seem that ' The Critic' was intended as a good-humored advertisement to the tragedy-writers of that day, not to offer any more of their productions to the manager of Drury Lane. We have for some time past been wanting just such another seasonable hint to stop the importation of certain tragedies, the authors of which are gentlemen of very violent words with very timorous meanings ; who load their lan- guage with fustian and finery, to hide the poverty and nakedness of their sentiment. "It is impossible to conceive any thing in comedy finer than the original cast of ' The Critic' Dodd, Parsons, Palmer, King, Bannister, and Miss Pope ! Acting never went beyond Parsons in Sir Fretful. Farren is good — Matthews is better— but Par- sons was supreme. Tom King, as Puff, had an unceasing viva- city, a true comic spirit, a neat and rapid delivery— every word told. This attention to a clear and distinct enunciation made nim one of the best prologue-speakers on the stage. King, to an unblushing effrontery, added considerable smartness and whim. In impudent, pragmatical varlets, he was unrivalled. Liston hard! v came up to Bannister in Don Ferolo Wliiskerandos. His acting was certainly inferior. But then Liston's countenance — the antipodes of tragedy — became a thousand times more comical from its outre association with daggers and blank verse. The very idea that Liston was going to be pathetic was enough to convulse an audience. We have seen him die in a very droll manner, — but his queer expostulation with Mr. Puff, that ' hi couldn't stay dying all night,' was, perhaps, his most ludicrous EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. \ effect It was when Liston felt his dignity offended, and he en- deavored to appear hurt, that he was most irresistible. Miss Pope, in Tilburina, never had an equal. Her ample hoop — her costume — (stark mad, in white satin!) — her love-lorn raving« were the tip-to.p of burlesque tragedy. Often have we been de- lighted with the humor of this exquisite actress, of whom Churchill so truly prophecied. Hers was a style, of which mo- dern play-goers can have not the least idea. It was of the old school, the result of genius, study and observation. Mr. Faw- sett's performance of Puff savors too much of his Caleb Quotem — he repeats the good things, as it were, by rote ; Mr. Jones is more of the author, who feels some anxiety fcr the suc- cess of his tragedy. He has a fidgety impatience about him, to which the peculiarity of his face and figure gives great effect. He looks like a gentleman who lives by his wits, and who seldom dines, but at other people's expense. Of the history of his mendacious arts, we believe every word ; we are certain, in this instance, that he is not tilling us a lie! We may here remark, that an actor of Moody's genius did not disdain the character of Lord Burleigh, in which ' More is meant than meets the ear :' but Moody could do more by a single shake of the head, than many who. in the present day, are accounted good comedians, can do by chattering and grinning for an hour upon the stretch." From this description it will be seen of what consequence the smallest characters in this admirable farce were consid- ered in the palmy days of the theatre. The starring system has broken up the old schools of acting ; and now, in order to see a prominent part well played, we must be content to have all the others of a play indifferently represented. The Critic was first acted at Drury Lane in the year 1779; and it is always a favorite piece upon the American slsge, T II E CRITIC act i . Scene I.— Breakfast table,with coffee-equipage, two hairs Mu. (l.) a%d 'Mrs. Dangle, (r.) discovered at break- fast, reading -newspaper. Dan. [Reading.] Pshaw '.—Nothing but politics— and I hate all politics but theatrical politics.— Where's the Morning Chronicle'? Mrs. I). Yes, that's your Gazette. Van. So, here we have it. — « Theatrical intelligence extraordinary." — We hear there is a new tragedy in rehearsal at Drury Lane Theatre, called the * Spanish Armada; said to be written by Mr. Puff, a gentleman well known in the theatrical world: if we may allow ourselves to give credit to the report of the performers, who, truth to say, are in general hut indifferent judges, this pieie abounds with the most striking and re- ceived! beauties of modern composition." — So! I am very glad my friend Puff's tragedy is in such forwardness.— Mrs. Dangle, my dear, you will be very glad to hear that Puff's tragedy — Mrs. D. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you plague me about such nonsense?— Now the plays are begun, I shall have no peace.— Isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridi- culous by your passion for the theatre, without continual- ly teazing me to join you? "Why can't you ride youi hobby-horse without desiring to place me on a pillion be- Bind you, Mr. Dangle ( Dan. Nay, my dear, 1 was only going to read — Mrs D. No, no, you will never read anything that'i THE CRITIC. worth listening to: — haven't you made yourself the jest of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters where you have no business 1 Are you not called a thea- trical Quidnunc, and a mock Maecenas to second-hand au- thors ? Dan. True ; my power with the Managers is pretty notorious ; but is it no credit to have applications from all quarters for my interest 1 — From lords to recommend fiddlers, from ladies to get boxes, from autho7's to get an swers, and from actors to get engagements. Mrs. D. Yes, truly; you have contrived to get a share in all the plague and trouble of theatrical property, with- out the profit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends it. Dan. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no loser by it, however; you have all the advantages of it: mightn't you, last winter, have had the reading of the new panto- mime a fortnight previous to its performance ? And doesn't Mr. N otter let you take places for a play before it is advertised, and set you down for a box for every new piece through the season ] And didn't my friend, Mr Smatter, dedicate his last farce to you, at my particulai request, Mrs. Dangle ? Mrs. D. [Rising.] Yes, but wasn't the farce damned, Mr. Dangle 1 And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have one's house made the motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature. Lan. Mrs. Dangle, Mrs. Dangle, you will not easily persuade me that there is no credit or importance in be- ing at the head of a band of critics, who take upon them to decide for the whole town, whose opinion and patron- age all writers solicit, and whose recommendation no ma- nager dares refuse ! Mrs. D. Ridiculous ! — Both managers and authors of the least merit laugh at your pretensions. The Public is their Critic — without whose fair approbation they know no play can rest on the stage, and with whose applause they welcome such attacks as yours, and laugh at the ma- l!ce of them, where they can't at the wit. Dan. Very well, madam, very well. Enter Servant, l. 6V'j Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you. THE .RITJC. b Dan. Oh, show Mr. Sneer up. [Exit Servant, l ] Plague on't, now we must appear loving and affectionate, or Sneer will hitch us into a story. Mrs. D. "With all my heart ; you can't be more ridicu- lous than you are. Dan. You are enough to provoke — Enter Mr. Sneer, l. Ha, my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you. My dear, here's Mr. Sneer ; Mr. Sneer, my dear ; my dear. Mr. Sneer. Mrs. D. Good morning to you, sir. Dan. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting ourselves with the papers. Pray, Sneer, won't you go to Drury Lane theatre the first night of Puff's tragedy ? Sneer. Yes ; but I suppose one shan't be able to get in, for on the first night of a new piece they always fill the house with orders to support it. But here, Dangle, 1 have brought you two pieces, one of which you must ex- ert yourself to make the managers accept, I can tell you that, for 'tis written by a person of consequence. [Gives Dangle two manuscripts. Dan. [Reading.] " Bursts into tears, and exit." What, is this a tragedy 1 Sneer. No, that's a genteel comedy, not a translation — only taken from the French ; it is written in a style which they have lately tried to run down ; the true sentimental, and nothing ridiculous in it from the beginning to the end. Mrs. D. Well, if they had kept to that, I should not have been such an enemy to the stage ; there was some edification to be got from those pieces, Mr. Sneer. Sneer. [Crossing, c] 1 am quite* of your opinion, Mrs. Dangle. Dan. [Looking at the other MS.] But what have we here 1 — This seems a very odd — Sneer. Oh, that's a comedy, on a very new plan ; re- plete with wit and mirth, yet of a most serious moral? You see it is called " The Reformed Housebreaker;" where, by the mere force of humour, housebreaking is put into so ridiculous a l'ght, that if the piece has its pro per run, I have no doubt but that bolts and bars will be entirely useless by the end of llic season. 10 THE CRITIC. Act ) Dan. Egad, this is new, indeed ! Sneer. Yes ; it is written by a particular friend of mine, who has discovered that the follies and foibles of society are subjects unworthy notice of the Comic Muse, who should be taught to stoop only at the greater vices and Dlacker crimes of humanity — gibbetting capital offences in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies in two. — In short, his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, and make the stage a court of ease to the Old Bailey. Dan. That is to unite poetry and justice indeed ! Enter Servant, l. Serv. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir. Dan. Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant, l.] Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to youi own taste. Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, because every body else abuses him. Sneer. Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if not of your judgment. Dan. But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but himself, that's the truth on't — though he's my friend. Sneer. Never ! He is as envious as an old maid verg- ing on the desperation of six-and-thirty. Dan. Very true, egad — though he's my friend. Sneer. Then his affected contempt of all newspapei strictures ; though, at the same time, he is the sorest man alive, and shrinks, like scorched parchment, from the fiery ordeal of true criticism. Dan. There's no denying it — though he is my friend. Sneer. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, haven't you ] Dan. Oh, yes ; he sent it to me yesterday. Sneer. Well, and you think it execrable, don't you ? Dan. Why, between ourselves, egad I must own — Jiough he's my friend — that it is one of the most — He'a here — [Aside.] finished and most admirable perform — Sir F. [ Without, l.] Mr. Sneer with him, did you say ? Enter Sir Fretful, l. He crosses to l. c. Dan. Ah, my dear friend ! — Egad, we were just speak' ing of your tragedy. — Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable I BCENKI.J THE CRITI °- l ' Sneer, (r. c.) You never did any thing beyond it Sii Fretful — never in your life. Sir F (l c.) You make me extremely happy ; Iot without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose judgment I value as I do yours— and Mr. Dangle's. Mrs. D. (r.) They are only laughing at you, bir * ret- ful, for it was but just now that — Dan. (l.) Mrs. Dangle ! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dangle. My friend, Sneer, was rallying just now— He knows how she admires you, and — Sir F Oh Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste and sincerity than to— [Aside,] A damned double-faced fellow ! . Dan. Yes, yes— Sneer will jest— but a better humour- ed— Sir F. Oh, I know— Dan. He has a ready turn for ridicule— his wit costs him nothing. , Sir F. [Aside.\ No, egad— or I should wonder how he came by it. Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the managers yet % or can I be of any service to you 1 Si? F. No, no, I thank you ; I sent it to the manager of Covent Garden Theatre this morning. Sneer. I should have thought, now, that it might have been cast (as the actors call it,) better at Drury Lane Sir F Oh, lud ! no — never send a play there while 1 live— harkee ! [ Whispers Sneer. Sneer. " Writes himself!" I know he does— Sir F. I say nothing— I take away from no man's merit —am hurt at no man's good fortune— I say nothing— But this I will say— through all my knowledge of life, I have observed— that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart as envy ! Sneer. I believe you have reason for what you say, in- deed. . « Sir F. Besides— I can tell you it is not always so sale to leave a play in the hands of those who write them- selves. Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey, my deaf Plaaiarv 1 12 THE CRITIC. [Acl 1 Sir F. Steal! — to be sure they may ; ai d, egad, serve your best thoughts as gypsies do stolen children — disfigure them to make 'em pass for their own. Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpo mene, and he, you know, never — Sir F. That's no security. A dexterous plagiarist may do anything. — Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take out some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his own comedy. Sneer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you the leasS hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of the whole- Daw. If it succeeds. Sir F. Aye — but with regard to this piece, I think I can hit that gentleman, for I can safely swear he never read it. Sneer. I'll tell you how you may hurt him more — Sir F. How 1 Sneer. Swear he wrote it. Sir F. Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it ill. I believe you want to take away my character as an author ! Sneer. Then I am sure you ought to be very much obliged to me. Sir F. Hey !— Sir ! Dan. Oh, you know, he never means what he says. Sir F. Sincerely, then — you do like the piece % Sneer. Wonderfully ! Sir F. But come, now, there must be something that you think might be mended, hey] — Mr. Dangle, has no- thing struck you 1 Dan. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the most part, to — Sir F. With most authors it is just so, indeed ; they are in general strangely tenacious !- — But, for my part, I am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect to me ; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opi- nion 1 Sneer. Very true. Why, then, though 1 seriously ad- mire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small ob- jection ', which, if you'll give me leave, I'll mention. Scene f THE CRITIC. 13 Sir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more. Sneer. I think it wants incident. Sir F Good God ! — you surprise me ! — wants inci- dent ! - Sneer. Yes ; I own I think the incidents are too few. Sir F. Good God ! — Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is no person for whose judgment I have a more implicit de- ference. But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only ap- prehensive that the incidents are too crowded. My dear Dangle, how does it strike you ? Dan. Really, I can't agfee with my friend Sneer. I think the plot quite sufficient ; and the four first acts by many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to suggest anything, it is that the interest rather falls off in the fifth. Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir — Dan. No: I don't, upon my word. Sir F. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul — it certainly don't fall off, I assure yeu. — No, no, it don't fall off. Dan. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you in the same light ? Mrs. D. (r.) No, indeed, I did not — I did not see a fault in any part of the play from the beginning to the end. Sir F. [Crossing to .Mrs. Dangle.] Upon my soul, the women are the best judges after all !• Mrs. D. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it was to nothing in the piece ! but that I was afraid it was, on the whole, a little too long:. Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of time ; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out ? Mrs. D. Oh, hid ! no. I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays. Sir F. Then I am very happy — very happy, indeed — because ;he play is a short play, a remarkably short play j I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste ; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic. Mrs. D. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dan- le's drawling manner of reading it to me. St? F. [Crosses, l., and Imek U r. c.J Oh, if Mr Dan* l\ THE CRITIC. [Act " gle read it, that's quite another affair ! But I assure you Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three houi's and an half, I'll undertake to read you the whole, from beginning to end, with the Prologue and Epilogue, and allow time for the music between the acts. Mrs. D. I hope to see it on the stage next. Exit,, r. Dan. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours. Sir F. [Crosses, c] The newspapers ! — Sir, they are the most villainous — licentious — abominable — infernal— Not that I ever read them! no! I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper. Dan. (l.) You are quite right — for it certainly must hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take. Sir F. No ! — quite the contrary ; their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric — I like it, of all things. An author's reputation is only in danger from their support. Sneer, (r.) Why, that's true — and that attack now on you the other day — Sir F. What ? where 1 Dan. Aye, you mean in a paper of Thursday ; it was completely ill-natured, to be sure. Sir F. Oh, so much the better — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — ] wouldn't have it otherwise. Dan. Certainly, it is only to be laughed at ; for — Sir F. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow said, do you 1 Sneer. Pray, Dangle — Sir Fretful seems a little anx- ious ! Sir F. Oh, lud, no ! — anxious — not I — not the least, I — But one may as well hear, you know. Dan. Sneer, do you recollect? — [.AszVfe.] Make out something. Sneer. I will. [To Dangle.] Yes, yes, I remember per- fectly. Sir F. Well, and pray, now — not that it signifies, what might the gentleman say 1 Sneer. Why he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention or original genius whatever ; though you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living. Sir F. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Very good ! SCENE I.] THE CRITIC. ] j Sneer. That, as to comedy, you have not one idea of your own, lie believes, even in your common-place book, whore stray jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as the ledger of the Lost and Stolen Office. Sir F Ha ! ha ! ha ! Very pleasant ! Sneer. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have the skill even to steal, with taste : but that you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagia- rists have been before you ; so that the body of your work is a composition of dregs and sediments, like a bad tavern's worst wine. Sir F. Ha ! ha ! Sneer. In your most serious efforts, he says, your bom- bast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the senti- ment stares through the fantastic encumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in one of the new uniforms ! Sir F. Ha ! ha ! Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would aground oflinsey-woolsey ; while your imitations of Shak- speare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's Page, and are about as near the standard of the original. Sir F. Ha! r. In short, that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating ; so that they lie on the surface like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encum- bering what it is not in their power to fertilize! Sir F. [After great agitation.'] Now, another person would be vexed at this. Sneer. Oh ! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you. Sir F I know it — I am diverted — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — not the least invention! — Ha! ha! ha! very good! very good ! Sneer. Yes — no genius ! Ha! ha! ha! Dan. A severe rogue! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to r§ad such nonsense. Sir F To be sure — for, if there is any thing to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it ; and it' it is abuse— why one is always sure to hear of it from One damned good-natured friend or another! 16 THE CRITIC. [Act L Enter Servant, l. Serv. Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehear- sal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you pre- sently. Dan. That's true — I shall certainly be at home. [Exit Servant, l.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer — Egad, Mr. Puff's your man. Sir F. Pshaw ! sir, why should I wish to have it an- swered, when I tell you I am pleased at it ? Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer — Sir F. Zounds ! no, Mr. Dangle, don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least. Dan. Nay, I only thought — Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damned affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell you I am not. Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? Sir F. Gadslife ! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dan- gle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damned nonsense you have been repeating to me ! — And let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen — and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms — and I shall treat it with exactly the. same calm indiffer- ence and philosophic contempt — and so, your servant. [Exit, l. Sneer. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Fretful ! Now will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors. But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his trage- dy. Dan. I'll answer for it, he'll thank you foi desiring It, He-enter Servant, l. Serv. Mr. Puff, sir. Dan. My dear Puff! Enter Puff, l. Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? Sckse I.] THE CRITIC. 17 Dan. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you. Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? [Crossing to Sneer.] Sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of Knowing — a gentleman, whose critical talents and Iran ecendant judgment — Sneer. Dear sir — Dcm. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff on- ly talks to you in the style of his profession. Sneer. His profession ! Puff. Yes, sir ; I make no secret of the trade I follow — among friends and brother authors; Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself viva voce. — I am, sir, a Practitioner in Panegyric, or, to speak more plainly — a Professor of the Art of Puffing, at your service — or anybody else's. Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging ! — I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints. Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town — Devilish hard work all the summer — Friend Dangle never worked harder! — But, harkye — the Winter Managers were a lit- tle sore, I believe. Dan. No ! I believe they took it all in good part. Puff. Aye ! Then that must have been affectation in them ; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at. Sneer. Aye, the humorous ones. But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves. Puff. Why, yes — but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the oppo- site side. I dare say, now, you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be writ- ten by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such thing. Nine out of ten, manufactured by me in the way i)f business. Sneer. Indeed ! Puff. Even the auctioneers, now — the auctioneers, I say, though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language — not an article of the merit their' s ! — Tnke them out of their pulpits, and the} are as dull as cata- 18 THE CRITIC. [Act i loeues ! — No, sir ; 'twas I first enriched their style — 'twas I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the other — like the bidders in their own auction-rooms ! From me they learned to enlay their phraseology with variega- ted chips of exotic metaphor : by me, too, their inventive faculties were called forth. Yes, sir, by me they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruit — to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves — to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil ! or, on emergencies, to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a de- lightful vicinage, without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire ! Dan. I am sure you have done them infinite service ; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with Ins house with some credit. S?ieer. Service ! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him. But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way 1 Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity, the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention ; you must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an ad- vertisement, my success was such, that, for some time af- ter, I led a most extraordinary life, indeed ! Sneer. How, pray '? Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes. Sneer. By your misfortunes ? Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other oc- casional disorders ; and a very comfortable living I had of it. Sneer. From sickness and misfortune ! Puff. Harkee ! — By advertisements — " To the charita- ble and humane !" and " To those whom Providence hath blessed with affluence !" Sneer. Oh — I understand you. Puff. And, in truth, i deserved what I got ; for I sup- pose never man went through such a series of calamities in tne same space of time ! — Sir, I was i\\u times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortune? ! Then, sir, though a Scene I.] ™ F < CRITIC 19 very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all, both times ! I lived upon those files a month, I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs ! That told very well ; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself. Dan. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on Puff. What, in November last ?— Oh, no! When I called on you I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend ! I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption 1 1 was then reduced jo Oh, no — then, 1 became a widow with six helpless children — after having had eleven husbands pressed, and beino- left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital i Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt 1 Puff. Why, yes, — though I made some occasional at- tempts Btfelo dc se ; but as I did not find those rash ac- tions answer, I left off' killing myself very soon. Well, si r — a t last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my con- science, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my ta- lents for fiction and embellishments, through my favourite channels of diurnal communication — and so, sir, you have my history. Sneer. Moat obligingly communicative, indeed. But surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession ? Puff. Mystery ! Sir, I will take upon me to say the matter was never scientifically treated, nor reduced to rule, before. Sneer. Reduced to rule 1 Puff. Oh, hid, sir ! you are very ignorant, I am afraid. _Yes, sir— Puffing is of various sorts:— the principal aj-e — the Puff direct— the Puff' preliminary— the Puff' collateral — the Puff' collusive — and the Puff* oblique, or Puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances 20 THE CRITIC. [Act I require, the \arious forms of— better to the Editor — Oc casional Anecdote — Impartial Critique — Observation from Correspondent — or Advertisements from the Party. Sneer. The Puff direct, I can conceive — Puff. Oh, yes, that's simple enough — for instance — A new Comedy or Farce is to be produced at one of the theatres (though, by the bye, they don't bring out half what they ought to do) : the author, suppose Mr. Smat- ter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular friend of mine — • very well ; the day before it is to be performed, 1 write an account of the manner in which it was received — I have the plot from the author — and only add — Charac- ters strongly drawn — highly coloured — hand of a master — fund of genuine humour — mine of invention — neat dialogue — attic salt ! — Then for the performance — Mr. Baker was astonishingly great in the character of Sir Harry! That universal and judicious actor, Mr. Eger- ton, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the Colonel : but it is not in the power of language to do justice to Mr. Jones ! — Indeed, he more than merited those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from a most brilliant and judicious audience ! In short, we are at a loss which to admire most — the unrivalled genius of the author, the great attention and liberality of the ma- nagers, the wonderful abilities of the painter, or the in- credible exertions of all the performers ! Sneer. That's pretty well, indeed, sir. Puff. Oh, cool, quite cool, to what 1 sometimes do. Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influ- enced by this ? Puff. Oh, hid ! yes, sir ; the number of those who un- dergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed ! Dan. Ha ! ha ! ha ! — 'gad, I know it is so. Puff: As to the Puff oblique, or Puff by implication, it is too extensive, and branches into so many varieties, that it is impossible to be illustrated by an instance; it is the last principal class of the Art of Puffing — an art which I hope you will now agree with me. is of the highest dig nity. Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to (he im- portance and ingenuity of your profession ; and now, sir, Scene I.] THE CRITIC. 21 there is but one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage — Puff. Hush, for Heaven's sake. — My tragedy ! — Egad, Dangle, I take this very il ; you know how apprehensive T am of being known to be the author. Dan. 'Ifaith, I would not have told ; but it's in the pa- pers, and your name at length — in the Morning Chroni- cle. Puff. Ah ! those damned editors never can keep a se- cret ! Well, Mr. Sneer — no doubt you will do me great honour — I shall be infinitely happy — highly flattered. Dan. I believe it must be near the time — shall we g« together ? Puff. No ; it will not be yet this hour, for they are al- ways late at that theatre : besides, I must meet you there, for I have some little matters to send to the papers, and a few paragraphs to scribble before I go. [Looking at ?ne- morandums.] Here is ' a Conscientious Baker, on the Subject of the Army Bread,' and 'a Detester of Visible Brick-work, in favour of the new-invented Stucco ;' both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow. — Here is an invention for the running our mail-coaches by steam, and lighting them by gas. — 1 have also a very in- genius design for a self-acting air-pump, to be fixed in the confined streets, which is to supersede the necessity of country excursions for the benefit of the health. Here are likewise many other valuable memorandums, most of which, I have no doubt, but I shall render equally prac- ticable, and of the greatest importance to the nation. So, t»gad, I have not a moment to lose. [Exeunt. END OF ACT I. 22 THE CRITIC. [ActU ACT II. Scene I. — The Theatre, fanler Dangle, Puff, and Sneer, l., as before the Cm tain, — *hree chairs on l. Puff, (c.) No, no, sir ; what Shakspeare says of actors nay be better applied to the purpose of plays : they ought to be 'the abstract and brief chronicles of the times. Therefore when history, and particularly the history of our own country, furnishes anything like a case in point, to the time in which an author writes, if he knows his own interest, he will take advantage of it ; so, sir, I call my tragedy, 'The Spanish Armada;' and have laid the scene before Tilbury Fort. Sneer, (r.) A most happy thought, certainly ! Dan. Egad, it was ; I told you so. But pray, now, I don't understand how you have contrived to introduce any love into it. Puff. Love ! — Oh, nothing so easy : for it is a received Eoint among poets, that where history gives you a good eroic outline for a play, you may fill up with a little love at your own discretion : in doing which, nine times out of ten, you only make up a deficiency in the private his- tory of the times. Now I rather think 1 have done this with some success. Sneer. No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, I hope 1 Puff. Oh, lud ! no, no. I only suppose the Govemoi of Tilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son of the Spanish Admiral. Sneer. Oh, is that all 1 Dan. Excellent, 'ifaith ! I see it at once. But won't this appear rather improbable? Puff To be sure it will — but, what the plague ! a play is not to show occurrences that happen every day, but things just so strange, that though they never did, they might happen. Sneer. Certainly, nothing is unnatural, that is not phy sically impossible. Puff. Very tiue — and, for that matter, Don Ferolo «5CENE l.J THE CRITIC. 23 Whiskerandos — for that's the lover's name — might have been over here in the train of the Spanish Ambassador ; or Ti'.burina, for that is the lady's name, might have been in love with him, from having heard his character, or seen his picture ; or from knowing that he was the last man in the world she ought to be in love with, or for any othei good female reason. However, sir, the fact is, that tiough she is but a knight's daughter, egad ! she is in love like any princess ! Dan. Poor young lady ! I feel for her already ! Puff\ Oh, amazing ! — her poor susceptible heart is 6V> T ayed to and fro, by contending passions, like — Enter Under Prompter, l. Under P. Sir, the scene is set, and every thing is rea- dy to begin, if you please. Puff. 'Egad, then, we'll lose no time. Under P. Though, I believe, sir, you will find it very short, for all the performers have profited by the kiid per- mission you granted them. Pvff/Keyl what? Under P. You know, sir, you gave them leave to cut out or omit whatever they found heavy or unnecessary to the plot, and I must own they have taken very liberal ad- vantage of your indulgence. \Exit Under P., l. Puff. Well, well! They are in general very good judg- es; and I know I am luxuriant. Gentlemen, be seated. [Sneer and Dangle sit, l.] Now, Mr. Woodarch, [To Lead- er of the Band,] please to play a few bars of something soft, just to prepare the audience for the curtain's rising. [The Band strike " Bobbing Joan] very forte. Puff. [Having stopped them with much difficulty.} Now, really, gentlemen, this is unkind. I ask you to play a soothing air, and you strike up Bobbing Joan ! [To'Sneer, fyc.] These gentlemen will have their joke at rehearsal, you see. [To Orchestra.] Come, gentlemen, oblige me. {The Band play a few bars of soft music] Aye,* that's rght — for we have the scenes and dresses; egad, we'll go to it, as if it was the first night's performance ; but you need r.ot mind stopping between the acts. Soh ! stand clear, gentlemen. Now, you know there will be a cry of down ! — down ! — huts off! — -silence ! — Then up curtain-— and let us see what our painters have done for us. 24 THE CRITIC. [Act II Scene II.— The curtain rises, and discovers Tilbury Fort, Two Sentinels asleep on the ground, c. Dan. Tilbury Fort ! — very fine, indeed ! Puff. Now^ what do you think I open with] Sneer. Faith, I can't guess— Puff. A clock. Sneer. A clock ! Puff. Hark ! — [ Clock strikes four.] I open with a cloi in striking, to beget an awful attention in the audience — it also marks the time, which is four o'clock in the morning, and saves a description of the rising sun, and a great deal about gilding the eastern hemisphere. Dan. But, pray, are the sentinels to be asleep 1 Puff. Fast as watchmen. Sneer. Isn't that odd, though, at such an alarming cri- sis ? Puff. To be sure it is ; but smaller things must give way to a striking scene at the opening; that's a rule. And the case is, that two great men are coming to this very spot to begin the piece ; now, it is not to be supposed they would open their lips, if these fellows were watch- ing them ; so, egad, 1 must either have sent them off their posts, or set them asleep. Sneer. Oh, that accounts for it ! — But tell us, who are these coming? Puff. These 1 They are — Sir Walter Raleigh, and Sir Christopher Hatton. You'll know Sir Christopher, by his turning out his toes — famous, you know, for hia dancing. I like to preserve all the little traits of charac- ter. Now, attend. Enter Sir Christopher Hatton and Sir Walter Ra- leigh, r. 1 Sir C. True, gallant Raleigh!' Dan. What, had they been talking before ? Puff. Oh, yes ; all the way as they came along. I beg pardon, gentlemen, [ To the Actors,] but these are parti- pilar friends of mine. Mr. Sneer and Mr. Dangle, Mr. Keeley and Mr. Meadows, both very promising gentlemen in their profession, I assure you. [The Actors take off their hats, and how very low. J I know it's against the rule to 6.CME I! j THE CRITIC. 25 introduce strangers at a rehearsal, but as they are parti- cular friends of mine, I thought you would excuse. Don't mind interrupting these fellows when any thing strikes you. [To Sneer and Dangle. 4 Sir C. True, gallant Raleigh ! 1 But oh, thou champion of thy country's fame, 4 There is a question which I yet must ask ; ' A question which I never asked before. ' What mean these mighty armaments 1 Zhis general muster'? and this throng of chiefs?' Sneer. Pray, Mr. Puff, how came Sir Christopher Hat- ten never to ask that question before ? Puff. What, before the play began ? How the plague could he 1 Dan. That's true, 'ifaith ! Puff'. But you will hear what he thinks of the matter. ' Sir C. Alas, my noble friend, when I behold' — Puff. [Interrupts him.] My good friend, you entirely forget what I told you the last rehearsal — that there was a particular trait in Sir Christopher's character — that he was famous, in Queen Elizabeth's time, for his dancing — pray, turn your toes out. [ With Ms foot, he pushes Sir C.'sfeet out, tcntil they are nearly square.] That will do- now, sir, proceed. ' Sir C. Alas, my noble friend, when 1 behold • Yon tented plains in martial symmetry 'Arrayed — when I count o'er yon glittering lir>es 4 Of crested warriors — 1 When briefly all I hear or see bears stamp 4 Of martial preparation, and stern defence, * I cannot but surmise. Forgive, my friend, 4 If the conjecture's rash' — Puff. [Interrupting.] A little more freedom, — if you please. Remember that Sir Christopher and Sir Waltei were on the most familiar footing. Now, as thus — [ Quotes the line flippantly, 1 Sir C. [Imitates his manner.} I cannot but surmise Forgive, my friend, If the conjecture's rash — I cannot but '.Surmise — the state some danger apprehends!* Sneer. A very cautious conjecture that! Puff. Yes, that's his character; not to give an opinioa, tut on secure grounds. — Now, then 26 THE CRITIC. [.\GT Fl ' Sir W. Oh, most accomplished Christopher.' Puff. Keep up the Christopher ! ' Oh, most accom- plished Christopher.' He calls him by his Christian name, to show that they are on the most familiar terms. ' Sir W. Oh, most accomplished Christopher, I find ' Thy fears are just. ' Sir C. But where, whence, when, what, which, and whose, ' The danger is — methinks, I fain would learn. ' Sir W. You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns' — Puff. [Stopping him.] Suit the word to the action, and the action to the word. * You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns.' [Passes his hands one over the other, with a circular motion. 4 Sir W. [ Using the same action.] You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns, 'And three revolving moons,' — Puff. No, no : send your moons the other way, or you'll bring about an eclipse ! [Repeats the same lines again the second time, turning his hands the contrary way. * Sir W. [ Using Puff's action.] You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns, And three revolving moons, have closed their course, Since haughty Philip, in despite of peace, With hostile hand hath struck at England's trade. ' Sir C. 1 know it well. ' Sir W. Philip, you know, is proud Iberia's king ! < Sir C. He is. • Sir W. You know, beside, his boasted armament, The famed Armada, by the Pope baptized, With purpose to invade these realms — ' Sir C. Is sailed : Our last advices so report, ' Sir W. While the Spanish Admiral's chief hope, His darling son, by chance a prisoner hath been ta'en, 1 And in this fort of Tilbury' — Puff. [Mocking his tone.] ' Tilbury /' Don't speak of Tilbury Fort, as if it was a gin-shop! Keep up its con sequence, ' And in this fort of Tilbury /' i Sir Walter repeats the line after Puff's manner 4 Sir C. Is now confined. SrcsE II.] THE CRITIC, 27 ' Sir W. You also know' — Dan. Mr. Puff, as he knows all this, why does Sir Wal- ter go on telling him ? Puff. But the audience are not supposed to know any thing of the matter, are they ? Sneer. True, but I think you manage ill : for there cer- tainly appears no reason why Sir Walter should be so communicative. Puff. Fore gad, now, that is one of the most ungrateful observations I evei heard ; for the less inducement he has to tell all this, the more I think you ought to be obliged to him ; for I am sure you'd know nothing of the matter without it. Dan. That's very true, upon my word. Puff. But you will find he was not going on. ' Sir C. Enough, enough — 'tis plain — and I no more • Am in amazement lost !' Puff". Here, now, you see, Sir Christopher did not, ir fact, ask any one question for his own information. Sneer. No, indeed : his has been a most disinterested curiosity ! Dan. Really, I find, we are very much obliged to them both. Puff. To be sure you are. Now, then, for the Com- mander-in-Chief, the Earl of Leicester ! who, you know, was no favourite but of the Queen's. We left off ' in amazement lost !' — ' Sir G. Am in amazement lost. ' But see where noble Leicester comes ! supreme 4 In honours and command.' Sneer. But who are these with him? Puff. Oh ! very valiant knights; one is the governor of the fort, the other the master of the horse. And now, J think you shall hear some better language: I was obliged to be plain and intelligible in the first scene, because there was so much matter of fact in it; but now, 'ifaith, you have trope, figure, and metaphor, as plenty as noun- substantives. Enter Earl of Leicester, Governor, and Master of the Horse, r. 1 Lei. How's thi*, my friends ! is't thus your new-Hedged zeal 28 THE CRITIC. [Act U * And plumed valour moulds in roosted sloth 1 * Why dimly glimmers that heroic flame, ' Whose reddening blaze, by patriot spirit fed, Should be the beacon of a kindling realm ] ' Can the quick current of a patriot heart 1 Thus stagnate in a cold and weedy converse, Or freeze in tideless inactivity ? ' No ! rather let the fountain of your valour ' Spring through each stream of enterprise, 1 Each petty channel of conducive daring, 4 Till the full torrent of your foaming wrath * O'erwhelm the flats of sunk hostility !' Puff. [Runs up and embraces him.] Allow me to intro- duce Mr. Horrebow to you — Mr. Dangle and Mr. Sneer, [Returns to l ' Sir W. No more ! the freshening breath of thy re- buke ' Hath filled the swelling canvass of our souls ! * And thus, though fate should cut the cable of [All take hands 1 Our topmost hopes, in friendship's closing line, We'll grapple with despair, and if we fall, ' We'll fall in Glory's wake ! [They part hands. '■-Lei. [Slowly.] There ppoke Old England's genius !' Puff. No, no, sir : Old England's genius never spoke in that way. She must be a devilish queer genius if she did. No, sir, keep it up. [Quotes with heroic bombast.] There spoke Old England's genius !' ' Lei. [ With Puff's ?nanner.] There spoke Old Eng- land's genius ! ' Then, are we all resolved ? ' All. We are — all l esolved. ' Lei. To conquer — or be free. ' All. To conquer — or be free. ♦ Lei. All 1 'All. All !* Dan. Nem. con., egad ! Puff. Oh, yes, where they do agree on the stage, their rnanimity is wonderful. .. ' Lei Then, let's embrace — [ They embrace, ] and now'- [ lined s. Sneer. What the plague, is he going to pray I Scene II.] THE CRITIC. 29 Puff- Yes, hush ! In great emergencies, there is no- thing like a prayer ! '-Lex. Oh, mighty Mars!' Puff. Stop, my dear sir! You do not expect to find Mars there. No, sir : whenever you address the gods, al- ways look into the upper gallery. ' Lei. [Looking tip tc the gallery.] Oh, mighty Mars I' Dan But why should he pray to Mars ? Puff. Hush ! s^'Lei. Oh, mighty Mars, if, in thy homage bred, ' Each point of discipline I've still observed ; 1 Nor but by due promotion, and the right 1 Of service, to the rank of Major-General ' Have risen ;' — Puff. Keep up the Major-General ! [Repeats the line with force.] < To the rank of Major-General have risen >' Tip them the Major-General, pray. ' Lei. [After Puff's manner.] To the rank of Major- General ' Have risen ; assist thy votary now ! ' Gov. [Kneels on Leicester's r.] Yet do not rise— hear me ! 4 Mast, of H. [Kneels on Governor's r.] And me ! * Sir W. [Kneels on Leicester's r.] And me ! 1 Sir C. [Kneels on Sir W.'s l.] And me V Puff. [Kneels, l.] And me! Now, mind your hits; — pray all together. * ' All. Behold thy votaries submissive beg, 4 That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask ;' — Puff. No, no, gentlemen, the emphasis is upon the word all. Thus : 1 Behold thy votaries submissive beg, ' That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask !' Now, gentlemen. ' All. Behold thy votaries submissive beg, • That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask ; 1 Assist them to accomplish all their ends, ' And sanctify whatever means they use ' To gain them !' Sneer. A very orthodox quintetto ! Puff. Vastly well, gentlemen, indeed, for persons who are not much m the habit of praying. Ts that well man- 30 THE CRITIC. [Act II aged or not ? I believe you haven't such a prayer as that on the stage. S?iee?\ Not exactly. ' Lei. [To Puff'.] But, sir, you haven't settled how we are to get off here. Puff. You could not go off kneeling, could you ? Lei. Oh, no, sir, impossible ! Puff. It would have a good effect, 'ifaith, if yoU could •'exeunt praying!" Yes, and would vary the established mode of springing off with a glance at the pit. Sneer. Oh, never mind : so as you get them off, I'll an- swer for it, the audience won't care how. Puff. Well, then, repeat the last line standing, and go off the old way. 1 All. And sanctify whatever means we use to gain them. 5 [Exeunt, r. Dan. Bravo ! a fine exit. Sneer. Stay a moment. The Sentinels get up. 1 1st. Sen. All this shall to Lord Burleigh's ear. *2d. Sen. 'Tis meet it should.' [Exeunt Sentinels, r. Dan. Hey ! — why, I thought those fellows had been asleep 1 Puff". Only a pretence; there's the art of it; they were spies of Lord Burleigh's. But take care, my dear Dan- gle, the morning gun is going to fire. Dan. Well, that will have a fine effect. Puff". 1 think so, and helps to realize the scene. [Can- non, three times from battery, l.] What the plague ! — three morning guns ! — there never is but one ! Aye, this is always the way at the theatre — give these fellows a good thing, and they never know when to have done with it. You have no more cannon to fire 1 Promp. [From within, l.] No, sir. Puff". Now, then, for soft music. Sneer. Pray what's that for 1 Puff. It shows that Tilburina is coming ; nothing intro- duces you a heroine like soft music. Here she comes. Dan. And her confidant, I suppose 1 Puff. To be sure : here they are — inconsolable — to the minuet in Ariadne ! \.S°.ft 'music in Orchestra* 8ceheII.j THE CRITIC. 3| Enter Tilburina and Confidant, r. ' Til. Now flowers unfold their beauties to the sun, And., blushing, kiss the beam he sends to wake them The striped carnation, and the guarded rose, ''lie vulgar wall-flower, and smart gilly-flower, " he polyanthus mean — the dapper daisy, Sweet William, and sweet mariorum — and all ' The tribe of single and of douole pinks ! ' Now, too, the feathered warblers tune their notes ' Around, and charm the listening grove — The lark ! ' The linnet ! chaffinch ! bullfinch ! goldfinch ! greenfinch ! ' — But, oh ! to me no joy can they afford ! ' Nor rose, nor wall-flower, nor smart gilly-flower, 1 Nor polyanthus mean, nor dapper daisy, 'Nor William sweet, nor marjorum — nor lark, ' Linnet, nor all the finches of the grove !' Puff. [Holding his handkerchief to his eyes.} Your white handkerchief, madam — there, if you please. Til. I thought, sir, I wasn't to use that 'till '< heart- rending woe.' Puff. Oh, yes, madam — at < the finches of the grove,' if you please, < Til. —Nor lark, 1 Linnet, nor all the finches of the grove !' [Weeps Puff. Vastly well, madam ! ' Dan. Vastly well, indeed ! 1 Til. For, oh, too sure, heart-rending woe is now 'The lot of wretched Tilburina!' Dan. Oh ! 'tis too much. Sneer. Oh ! — it is, indeed. ' Con. (r.) Be comforted, sweet lady — for who knows, But Heaven has yet some milk-white day in store. 1 Tit. Alas, my youthful — gentle Nora, ' Thy tender youth as yet hath never mourned Love's fatal dart. * Con. But see where your stem father comes ; It is not meet that he should find you thus.' Puff Hey, what the plague ! what a cut is here !— why, what is become of the description of her first meet- ing with Don Whiskerandos ? his gallant behav'our in the yea-fight, and the simile of the canary bird ? 32 THE CRITIC. [Act 11 TIL Indeed, sir, you'll find they will not be missed. Puff. Very well — very well ! Til. The cue, ma'am, if you please. * Con. It is not meet that he should find you thus. 4 Til. Thou counsel'st right, but 'tis no easy task * For barefaced grief to wear a mask of joy. Enter Governor, r. * Gov, How's this — in tears 1 — O — ' Puff. There's a round O ! for you. Sneer. A capital Of 1 Gov. Tilburina, shame ! * Is this a time for maudlin tenderness, •And Cupid's baby woes ? — hast thou not heard * That haughty Spain's Pope-consecrated fleet * Advances to our shores, while England's fate, * Like a clipped guinea, trembles in the scale ! * Til. [Seizing Governor's hand.] Then, is the crisis of my fate at hand ! I see the fleet's approach — 1 see' — Puff. Now, pray, gentlemen, mind. This is one of the most useful figures we tragedy- writers have, by which a hero or heroine, in consideration of their being often obliged to overlook things that are on the stage, is allowed to hear and see a number of things that are not. Sneer. Yes ; a kind of poetical second-sight ! Puff. Yes. — Now, then, madam. ' Til. — I see their decks ' Are cleared ! — I see the signal made ! * The line is formed ! — a cable's length asunder I * I see the frigates stationed in the rear ; * And now, I hear the thunder of the guns ! * I hear the victor's shouts — I also hear * The vanquished groan — and now 'tis smoke — and now * I see the loose sails shiver in the wind ! * I see — 1 see — what soon you'll see' — [Swoons in the Governor's arms Puff. [In rapture, taking Tilburina 's hand.] Mrs. Gibbs, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Dangle and Mr. Sneer. This is Mrs. Gibbs, one of the very best actresses on the Stage, I assure you, gentlemen. * Gov. Hold, daughter ! peace ! this love hath turned thy brain : Scene II.j THE CRITIC. 33 * The Spanish fleet thou cans't nut see — because • — It is not yet in sight !' Dan. Egad, though, the Governor seems to make no allowance for this poetical figure you talk of Puff. No ; a plain matter-of-fact man ; that's his cha- racter. 4 Til. But will you, then, refuse his offer ? ' Gov. I must — I will — I can — I ought — I do. i Til. His liberty is all he asks* Puff. His liberty is all he asks.' Sneer. All who asks, Mr. Puff?— Who is— he ? Puff'. Egad, sir, I can't tell. Here has been such cut- ting and slashing, I don't know where they have got to myself. Til. Indeed, sir, you will find it will connect very well 1 Til. A retreat in Spain ! ' Gov. Outlawry here ! * Til. Your daughter's prayer ! ' Gov. Your father's oath ! * Til. My lover ! * Gov. My country ! ' Til. Tilburina ! * Gov. England ! * Til. A title ! * Gov. Honour ! * Til. A pension ! ' Gov. Conscience ! * Til. A thousand pounds ! * Gov. [Starts.] Hah ! thou hast touched me nearly I * Til. Canst thou — ' Reject the suppliant, and the daughter, too ? * Gov. No more ; I would not hear thee plead in vain ,• * The father softens — but the Governor — 1 Is resolved ! [About to exit. Puff. My dear sir, give that a little more force, if you please — 'but the Governor's resolved/* 1 Gov. [Imitating Puff's manner.] The father softens — but the governor * Is resolved ! [Exit, quickly, l 4 Til. 'Tis well — hence, then, fond hopes — fond passioc hence ; * Duty, behold I am all over thine— 34 THE CRITIC. [Act II ' Whis. [Wit7wut,n.] Where is my love — my — behind!' Puff. My what ? — What's that, Mr. Penson 1 Enter Whiskerandos, r. Puff. Have the goodness to let me hear t&at line again. ' Whis. Where is my love — my behind V Puff. No, no, sir ! — ' Where is my love — my — behind the scenes' — spoken behind the scenes. Whis. Oh, 1 beg pardon, sir, but I assure you it is written so in my part. [Exit, r. — Puff crosses to Sneer and Dangle. Enter Whiskerandos, r. 1 Whis. (r.) Where is my love — my — beauteous enemy, * My conquering Tilburina ! How ! is't thus 1 We meet? Why are thy looks averse? What means * That falling tear — that frown of boding woe ? 1 Hah ! now, indeed, I am a prisoner ! ' Yes, now I feel the galling weight of these * Disgraceful chains — which, cruel Tilburina ! ' Thy doating captive gloried in before. * But thou art false, and Whiskerandos is undone ! 1 Til. Oh, no ; how little dost thou know thy Tilburina. 1 Whis. Art thou, then, true 1 Begone cares, doubts, and fears, * I make you all a present to the winds ; And if the winds reject you — try the waves.' Puff. The wind, you know, is the established receiver of all stolen sighs, and cast-off griefs and apprehensions. ' Til. Yet must we part 1 — Stern duty seals our doom : ' Though here I call yon conscious clouds to witness, ' Could I pursue the bias of my soul, 4 All friends, all rights of parents I'd disclaim, * And thou, my Whiskerandos, should'st be father * And mother, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, 1 And friend to me ! * Whis. Oh, matchless excellence ! And must we parti « Well, i£ — we must — we must — and in that case * The less is said the better.' Puff. Heyday ! here's a cut ! — What ! are all the mu- tual pr ^testations out 1 Til. Now, pray, sir, don't interrupt us just here ; you rum cur feelings ! Scfne IT.] THE CRITIC. 35 Puff. Your feelings ! — but zounds, my feelings, ma'am! ' Whis. (r.) One last embrace. ' Til. (l.) Now — farewell for ever ! ' Whis. For ever ! ' Til. Aye, for ever ' [Going, r. and L. Puff. S'death and fury ! — Gadslife ! Sir ! Madam, I really can't suffer this — if you go out without the parting look, you might as well dance out — Here ! ' For ever ! Aye, for ever !' [Holding forth his arms, as to embrace.] Give them the last puff of your tragedy bellows ! 4 Whis. [ With arms extended.] For ever ! Oh ! 1 Til. Aye, for ever, oh !' [They rush into each other's arms, then reluctantly part and exeunt, Whiskeran- dos, r., Tilburina, L. dm. But pray, sir, how am I to get off here 1 Puff. You! pshaw! what the devil signifies how you get off ! [Pushes the Confidant off, r. — Drop scene lowers ; Sneer and Dangle rise. Dan. Oh, charming ! Puff. Hey ! — 'tis pretty well, I believe. You see, I don't attempt to strike out any thing new — but I take it I improve on the established modes. Enter Under Prompter, l. Under P. Sir, the carpenter says it is impossible you can go to the Park scene yet. Puff. The Park scene ! No — I mean the description scene here, in the wood. Under P. Sir, the performers have cut it out. Puff. Cut it out ! Under P. Yes, sir. Puff. What ! the whole account of Queen Elizabeth 1 Under P. Yes, sir. Puff. And the description of her horse and side-saddle 1 Under P. Yes, sir. Puff. So, so, this is very fine, indeed! Mr. Prompter, how the plague could you suffer this ? Prompter. [From within, l.] Sir, indeed, the pruning knife — Puff. The pruning knife — zounds 1 the axe ! Why, heie has been such lopping and topping, shan't have the 36 THE CRITIC. [Acrll bare trunk of m) play left presently. Very well, sir— the performers must do as they please; but, upon my soul, I'll print it every word. Sneer. Tha: I would, indeed. Puff. Very well, sir — then, we must go on. [Exit Un- der Prompter, l.] Well, now, if the scene is ready — we'll go on. [ The Drop scene rises, and discovers a Wood scene. A carpet spread on the stage, and a chair in the centre.] So, now for my mysterious yeoman. Enter a Beefeater, l. s. e. ' Beef. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee !' Sneer. Haven't I heard that line before? Puff. No, I fancy not. Where, pray 1 Dan. Yes, I think there is something like it in " Othel- lo." Puff. Gad ! now you put me in mind on't, 1 believe there is — but that's of no consequence — all that can be said is, that two people happened to hit on the same thought — and Shakspeare made use of it first, that's all. Sneer. Very true. Puff. Now, sir, your soliloquy — but speak more to the pit, if you please — the soliloquy always to the pit — that'f a rule. ' Beef. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, * It never can endure a rival's bliss ! 1 But soft' — Puff. Put your finger to your head when you say that — and don't gallop off — steal cautiously off. 1 Beef. But soft— I am observed.' [Exit Beefeater, stealthily, f. Dan. That's a very short soliloquy. Puff. Yes — but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed. Sneer. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. PufE Puff. Harkye — 1 would not have you to be too sure that he is a Beefeater. Sneer. What, a hero in disguise 1 Puff. No matter — I only give you a hint. Hut now for my principal character — here he comes — Lord Burleigh in person ! Pray, gentlemen, step this way — softly — I only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect — if he it bul perfect ! Scene I I.J THE CRITIC. 37 Enter Burleioh, l. s e., goes sloivly to the chair and sits, Sneer. Mr. Puff! Puff. Hush ! vastly well, sir ! vastly well ! a most in- teresting gravity ! Dan. What, isn't he to speak at all 1 P u ff- E g a 4 1 thought you'd ask me that. Yes, it is a very likely thing, that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk ! But hush ! or you'll put him out. Sneer. Put him out ! how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say anything ? Puff. There's a reason ! Why, his part is to think : and how the plague do you imagine he can think, if you keep talking ? r Dan. That's very true, upon my word ! [Burleigh comes forward, c, shakes his head. Puff. Shake your head more — more — damn it, man, shake your head as if there was something in it. ^ [Burleigh shakes his head extravagantly, and exit, n. Sneer. He is very perfect, indeed. Now, pray whai did he mean by that? Puff. You don't take it? Sneer. No, I don't, upon my soul. Puff. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand, that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures, yet, if there was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile am- bition of the Spanish monarchy. Sneer. The devil !— Did he mean all that by shaking his head ? Puff. Every word of it— if he shook his head as I taught him. Sneer. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance. Enter Hatton and Raleigh, n. 1 Str C. My niece, and your niece, too ! By Heaven ! there's witchcraft in't. He could not else Have gained their hearts. But see where they approach Somc'tiorrid purpose lowering on their brows! 1 Sir W. Let us withdraw, and mark them, [They r 38 THE CRITIC. [H CV II. 'Enter the Two Nieces, r. and l. ' 1st. Nie (l.) Ellena here ! * But see the proud destroyer of my peace. ' Revenge is ail the good I've left. [Aside. 1 2d Nie. (r.) He comes, the false disturber of my quiet • Now, vengeance, do thy work !' [Aside. Enter Whiskerandos, l. s. e. * Wilis. Oh, hateful liberty — if thus in vain ' 1 seek my Tilburina ! ' Both Nei. And ever shalt ! [Sir Christopher and Sir Walter come forward, r. and l. * Sir C. Sf Sir W. Hold ! we will avenge you. 1 Wlvis. Hold you — or see your nieces bleed.' [The two Nieces draw their two daggers to strike Whiskerandos ; the tivo Uncles, at the instant, with their two swords drawn, catch their two Nieces' arms, and turn the points of their swords to Whiskeran- dos, who immediately draws two daggers, and holds them to the two Nieces' bosoms. Puff. There's situation for you ! there's an heroic group ! You see, the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos — he durst not strike them for fear of their uncles — the un- cles durst not kill him because of their nieces. 1 have them all at a dead lock ! for every one of them is afraid to let go first. Sneer. Why, then, they must stand there for ever. Puff. So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivance for't. Now, mind — Beef! Enter Beefeater, with his halberd, r. 1 Beef In the Queen's name, I charge you all to drop 1 Your swords and daggers !' [ They drop their swords and daggers. Sneer. That is a contrivance, indeed. Puff. Aye — in the Queen's name. ' Scr C. Come, niece ! 4 Sir W. Come, niece ! [Exeunt with the two Nieces, r. and t . 1 Whis. (l.) What's he, who bids us thus renounce oiu guard ? Scese II.] THE IR1TIC 39 4 £>e