WAS 
 FF 
 
 Class A 
 
 Book N MO Vol. 
 GIVEN BY 
 
 pi' \ eW\ a5b L u* ^ias-y 
 

 NUTS TO CRACK 
 
E. G. Dorsey, Printer, 
 12 Library Street. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK; 
 
 4 
 
 OR, 
 
 <ffituips, <&uftfc8, &tuci»ote antr iFacete 
 
 OF 
 
 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 SCHOLARS. 
 
 BY THE 
 AUTHOR OF "FACETIiE C ANTABRIGIENSES," 
 
 ETC. ETC. ETC. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 E. L. CAREY & A. HART. 
 
 1335. 
 
p*1 3* «^n t 
 
\*gtipgR&WN 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 Though I intend this preface, prelude, or proem shall 
 occupy but a single page, and be a facile specimen of the 
 multum inparvo school, I find I have so little to say, I might 
 spare myself the trouble of saying that little, only it might 
 look a little odd (excuse my nibbing my pen) if, after writ- 
 ing a book, which by the way, may prove no book at all, I 
 should introduce it to my readers, — did I say "Readers?" 
 —what a theme to dilate upon ! But stop, stop, Mr. Ex- 
 ultation, nobody may read your book, ergo, you will have 
 no readers. Humph ! I must nib my pen again. Cooks, 
 grocers, butchers, kitchenmaids, the roast! Let brighter 
 visions rise: methink I see it grace every room Peckwater 
 round: methink I see, wherever mighty Tom sonorous 
 peals forth his solemn "Come, come, come!" the sons of 
 Oxon fly to Tallboys' store, or Parker's shelves, and cry 
 "the Book, the Book!" Methink I see in Granta's 
 
 streets a crowd for Brighton's and for Stevenson's — anon, 
 
 a2 
 
VI PREFACE. 
 
 W//c Book, the Book," they cry "Give us the Book!" 
 "Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes?" "Aye, that's the 
 Book!" And, then, methink I see on Camus' side, or 
 where the Isis by her Christ Church glides, or Charwell's 
 lowlier stream, methink I see (as did the Spanish Prince 
 of yore a son of Salamanca beat his brow) some togaed son 
 of Alma Mater beat, aye, laugh and beat his brow. And 
 then, like Philip, I demand the cause? And then he laughs 
 outright, and in my face he thrusts a book, and cries, 
 "Sir, read, read, read, ha, ha, ha, ha!" and stamps and 
 laughs the while; — and then, ye gods, it proves to be the 
 Book, — Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes — ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 
 I cry you mercy, Sirs, read, read, read, read ! From Eton, 
 Harrow, Winchester, and West, come orders thick as 
 Autumn leaves e'er fell, as larks at Dunstable, or Egypt's 
 plagues. The Row is in commotion, — all the world rushes 
 by Amen Corner, or St. PauPs: how like a summer-hive 
 they go and come: the very Chapter's caught the stirring 
 theme, and, like King James at Christ Church, scents a 
 hum.* E'en Caxton's ghost stalks forth to beg a tome, 
 
 *Sir Isaac Wake says in his Rex Platonicus, that when James the 
 First attended the performance of a play in the Hall of Christ- 
 Church, Oxford, the scholars applauded his Majesty by clapping 
 their hands and humming. The latter somewhat surprised the royal 
 
PREFACE. Vll 
 
 and Wynkyrfs shroud in vain protests his claims. "There's 
 not a copy left," cries WhiWs or Long's, as Caxton bolts 
 with the extremest tome, and Wynkyn, foiled, shrinks 
 grimly into air, 
 
 Veil'd in a cloud of scarce black-letter lore. 
 
 Had Galen's self, sirs, ab origine, or iEsculapius, or the 
 modern school of Pharmacopoeians drugged their patients 
 thus, they long ago, aye, long ago, had starved; your un- 
 dertakers had been gone extinct, and churchyards turned 
 to gambol -greens, forsooth. Mirth, like good wine, no 
 help from physic needs: — blue devils and ennui! ha, ha, 
 ha, ha! Didst ever taste champagne? Then laugh, sirs, 
 laugh, — "laugh and grow fat," the maxim's old and good: 
 the stars sang at their birth — "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" I cry you 
 mercy, sirs, the Book, the Book, Quips, Quirks, and Anec- 
 dotes. Oxonians hear! "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Let Granta, 
 too, respond. What would you more? the Book, sirs, 
 read, read, read. 
 
 'Tis true, my work's a diamond in the rough, and that 
 there still are sparkling bits abroad, by wits whose wages 
 may not be to die, would make it, aye, the very Book of 
 
 auditor, but on its being explained to signify applause, he expressed 
 himself satisfied. 
 
Vlll PREFACE. 
 
 Books! Let them, anon, to Cornhill wend their way (p.p.) 
 to cut a figure in Ed. sec. 3d, or 4th, from Isis or from 
 Cam. What if they say, as Maudlin Cole of Boyle, be- 
 cause some Christ-Church wits adorned his page with their 
 chaste learning, " 'Tis a Chedder cheese made of the milk 
 of all the parish," — Sirs, d'ye think I'd wince and call 
 them knave or fool? Methink I'd joy to spur them to the 
 task! Methink I see the mirth-inspired sons of Christ- 
 Church and the rest, penning Rich Puns, Bon-mots, and 
 Brave Conceits, for ages have, at Oxon, "borne the bell," 
 and oft the table set in royal roar. Methink I see the wits 
 of Camus, too, go laughing to the task, — and then, methink, 
 ! what a glorious toil were mine, at last, to send them 
 trumpet-tongued through all the world I 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Was Oxford or Cambridge first Founded? - 13 
 
 Origin of this celebrated Controversy ... 16 
 
 Died of Literary Mortification 17 
 
 Sir Simon D'Ewes on Antiquity of Cambridge - - ib. 
 
 Gone to Jerusalem 18 
 
 Cutting Retort—Liberty a Plant ... - 19, 20 
 
 A Tailor surprised — Declining King George, &c. - - 20 
 
 Classical Jen D 1 Esprit — Trait of Barrow - 21 
 
 Inveterate Smokers - 22 
 
 Lover of Tobacco— A Wager, &c. 22, 23 
 
 Newton's Toast— Piety of Ray 23 
 
 Devil over Lincoln — Radcliffe's Library - 24 
 
 Traits of Dr. Bathurst— His Whip, &c. - 25 
 
 Smart Fellows ib. 
 
 Epigram — Tell us what you can't do? - - - - 26, 27 
 
 First Woman introduced into a Cloister - 27 
 
 Cambridge Scholar and Ghost of Scrag of Mutton - 28 
 
 Comparisons are odious 30 
 
 Jaunt down a Patient's throat — Difference of Opinion - 30, 31 
 
 Petit-Maitre Physician — Anecdote of Porson - - 31 
 
 Ob tqSz obS ctKKo — Aliquid — Di-do-dum - 32 
 
 Bishop Heber's College Puns ib. 
 
 Effect of Broad-wheeled Wagon, &c. - - - 33 
 
 Gtueen Elizabeth and the Men of Exeter College, &c. 34 
 
 Oxonians Posed — Lapsus Grammaticae - 35 
 
\ CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Latin to be Used — Habit — Concussion - 36 
 
 Comic Picture of Provost's Election - - 37 
 
 Sir, Dominus, Magistri, Sir Greene - - - 38 
 
 Husbands beat their Wives — Attack on Ladies - - 39 
 
 Doings at Merton — Digging Graves with Teeth - - 40 
 
 Doctor's Gratitude to Horse — John Sharp's Rogue - - 41 
 
 Said as how you'd See — Much Noise as Please - - 42, 43 
 
 Mad Peter-house Poet — Grace Cup - - - - 44, 45 
 
 Tertiavit — Capacious Bowl — Horn Diversion - 46 
 
 Bibulous Relique — Christian Custom — Feast Days - 47 
 
 Walpole at Cambridge — College Dinner 16th Century 49, 50 
 
 Black Night — Force of Imagination — Absent Habits - 52, 53 
 
 Anecdotes of Early Cambridge Poets - - 54 
 
 Cromwell's Pear-tree, &c. ------ 58 
 
 Stung by a B — Dr. P. Nest of Saxonists - 61 
 
 Pleasant Mistake — Minding Roast 62 
 
 College Exercise— Bell— Fun-— Tulip-time •• - - 62, 63 
 
 King of Denmark — King William IV. visit Cambridge 64, 65 
 
 Queen Elizabeth's Visit to Oxford and Cambridge - 66, 67. 
 
 First Dissenter in England 67 
 
 First English Play extant by Cambridge Scholar - 68 
 
 Christ-Church Scholars Invented moveable Scenes - 70 
 
 James I. at Oxford and Cambridge - 71 
 
 Divinity Act — Latin Comedy 76, 77 
 
 Case of Precedence — Smothered in Petticoats - - 78, 79 
 
 Brief Account of Boar's Head Carols - 79 
 
 Celebration of, at Queen's College, Oxon - 83 
 
 Cleaving Block— Being little 84, 85 
 
 Traits of Porson— Wakefield— Clarke - 87, 88 
 
 Blue Beans— University Bedels— Dr. Bentley - - 89, 90 
 
 Great Gaudy All-Souls Mallard 91 
 
 Oxford Dream— Compliments to Learned Men - - 96, 98 
 
 Point of Etiquette— Value of Syllable - - - 101, 102 
 
 Cocks may Crow— Profane Scoffers - 102 
 
 Jemmy Gordon— Oxford Wag 103, 106 
 
CONTENTS. XI 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Cambridge Frolics— Black Rash 107, 108 
 
 Old Grizzle Wig— Shooting Anecdotes - - - 109,110 
 
 Bishop Watson's Progress — Paley, &c. - 111,115 
 
 Oxford Hoax— Good Saying 116, 117 
 
 Walpole a Saint— Oxford famous for its Sophists, &c. - 118 
 
 Laconic Vice — Usum Oxon — Pert Oxonians - - 120, 121 
 
 Corrupted Latin Tongue— Surpassed Aristotle, &c. - 121 
 
 Set Aristotle Heels upwards— Art of Cutting - - 122, 123 
 
 Soldiers at Oxford Disputation, &c. . - - 123 
 
 Captain Rag— Dainty Morsels 124, 125 
 
 Answered in Kind— Powers of Digestion - - - 126, 127 
 
 Inside Passenger — Traits of Paley - 128, 129 
 
 Lord Burleigh and Dissenters— Sayings - 134, 135 
 
 Porson — Greek Protestants at Oxon - 135, 136 
 Cambridge Folk— Gyps— Drops of Brandy— Dessert for 
 
 Twenty, &c. 137,138 
 
 Parr's Eloquence — Address — Vanity, &c. - - - 140 
 
 Trick of the Devil— Three Classical Puns - - 142, 143 
 
 Acts — Pleasant Story — Epigram — Revenge - 144, 145 
 
 Mothers' Darlings — Fathers' Favourites - 146, 147 
 
 Iter Academicum — A Story 148, 149 
 
 Anecdotes of Freshmen _-.--- 150 
 
 Lord Eldon— Whissonset Church 151, 152 
 
 Boots — Yellow Stockings — Fashion Hair - - - 153, 154 
 
 Barber dressed — First Prelate wore Wig - 155, 159 
 
 Boots, Spurs, &c. prohibited at Oxon - 159 
 
 Whipping, &c. — Flying Cambridge Barber - - - 159, 160 
 
 Isthmus Suez — Drink for Church ... - 160, 161 
 
 Good Appetite— College Quiz— The Greatest Calf - - 162, 163 
 
 Like Rabelais — Ambassadors King Jesus at Oxon - 163, 164 
 
 Effort Intellect— Dr. Hallifax— Dr. Tucker - - - 164, 165 
 
 Distich— Skeleton Sermons— Paid First - - - 165, 166 
 
 In the Stocks — Hissing — Posing — Gross Pun - - - 167, 168 
 
 Family Spintexts— Alcock— Barrow, Parr, &c. - - 169, 170 
 
 Three-headed Priest— Burnt to Cinder - 171, 172 
 
Xll CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Cantab Invented Short-hand— Humble Petition of Ladies 172, 173 
 
 Turn for Humour — Repartees — All over Germany - 174, 175 
 
 Oxford and Cambridge Rebuses 175 
 
 Something in your way — Duns — Out of Debt - 177 
 
 Gtueering a Dun — Gray and Warburton - - - 179 
 
 Canons of Criticism — Bishop Barrington - - - 181 
 
 Pulpit Admonition— Simplicity of great Minds - - 182 
 
 Singularities — Triple Discourse 184, 185 
 
 Traits of Lord Sandwich — Lapsus Linguae - - 185, 186 
 
 Oxford and Cambridge Loyalty — Clubs, &c. - - - 186, 189 
 
 Retrogradation — On-dit 190 
 
 Worcester Goblin — Cambridge Triposes - 191, 192 
 Records of Cambridge Triposes — Wooden Spoon — Poll — 
 
 Conceits of Porson, Vince, &c. 193, 194 
 
 Classical Triposes— Wooden Wedge— Disney's Song 197, 198 
 
 A Dreadful Fit of Rheumatism 199 
 
 Parr an Ingrate— Le Diable— Critical Civilities - - 200, 201 
 
 Sir Busick and Sir Isaac again — Cole: Deum - - 201, 202 
 
 Freshman's Puzzle 202 
 
 Sly Humourist— Noble Oxonian — Oxford Wag— Person 
 
 of Gravity 203,204 
 
 The Enough 204 
 
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 NUTS TO CRACK; 
 
 OR, 
 
 QUIPS, QUIRKS, ANECDOTE AND FACETE. 
 
 WAS OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE FIRST FOUNDED? 
 
 "Oxford must from all antiquity have been either somewhere or nowhere. 
 Where was it in the time of Yarquinius Priscus? If it was nowhere, it surely 
 must have been somewhere. Where was it?" — Faceticb Cant. 
 
 Here is a conundrum to unravel, or a nut to crack, 
 compared to which the Dsedalean Labyrinth was a farce. 
 After so many of the learned have failed to extract the 
 kernel, though by no means deficient in what Gall and 
 Spurzheim would call jawitiveness (as their writings will 
 sufficiently show,) I should approach it with "fear and 
 trembling," did I not remember the encouraging reproof 
 of "Queen Bess" to Sir Walter Raleigh's "Fain would 
 I climb but that I fear to fall" — so dentals to the task, 
 come what may. A new light has been thrown upon the 
 subject of late, in an unpublished "Righte Merrie Come- 
 die," entitled "Trinity College, Cambridge," from which 
 I extract the following 
 
H OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 JEU DE POESIE. 
 
 When first our Alma Mater rose, 
 Though we must laud her and love her ; 
 
 Nobody cares, and nobody knows, 
 And nobody can discover: 
 
 Some say a Spaniard, one Cantaber, 
 
 Christeri'd her, or gave birth to her, 
 
 Or his daughter — that's likelier, more, by far, 
 Though some honour king Brute above her. 
 
 Pythagoras, beans-consuming dog, 
 
 ('Tis the tongue of tradition that speaks,) 
 Built her a lecture-room fit for a hog,* 
 
 Where now they store cabbage and leeks: 
 And there mathematics he taught us, they say, 
 Till catching a cold on a dull rainy day, 
 He packed up his tomes, and he ran away 
 To the land of his fathers, the Greeks. 
 
 But our Alma Mater still can boast, 
 
 Although the old Grecian would go, 
 Of glorious names a mighty host, 
 
 You'll find in Wood, Fuller and Coe; 
 
 Of whom I will mention but just a few — 
 
 Bacon, and Newton, and Milton will do: 
 
 There are thousands more, I assure you, 
 
 Whose honours encircle her brow. 
 
 Then long may our Alma Mater reign, 
 
 Of learning and science the star, 
 Whether she were from Greece or Spain, 
 
 Or had a king Brute for her Pa; 
 And with Oxon, her sister, for aye preside, 
 For it never was yet by man denied, 
 That the world can't show the like beside, — 
 
 Let echo repeat it afar! 
 
 * The School of Pythagoras is an ancient building, situated behind 
 St. John's College, Cambridge, wherein the old Grecian, says tradi- 
 tion, lectured before Cambridge became a university. Whether 
 those who say so lie under a mistake, as Tom Hood would say, I am 
 not now going to inquire. At any rate, "sic transit," the building 
 is now a barn or storehouse for garden stuff. Those who would be 
 further acquainted with this relique of by-gone days, may read a ve- 
 ry interesting account of it extant in the Library of the British Mu- 
 seum, illustrated with engravings, and written by a Fellow of Mer- 
 lon College, Oxford, to which society, says Wilson, in his Memora- 
 bilia Catabrigia, "it was given by Edward IV., who took it from 
 King's College, Cambridge. It is falsely supposed to have been one 
 of the places where the Croyland Monks read lectures." 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 15 
 
 It matters little whether we sons of Alma Mater sprung 
 from the loins of Pythagoras, Cantaber, or the kings Brute 
 and Alfred. They were all respectable in their way, so 
 that we need not blush, "proh pudor," to own their pa- 
 ternity. But let us hear what the cutting writer of Terra? 
 Filius has to say on the subject. 4 'Grievous and terrible 
 has been the squabble, amongst our chronologers and ge- 
 nealogists concerning 
 
 THE PRECEDENCE OF OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 What deluges of Christian ink have been shed on both 
 sides in this weighty controversy, to prove which is the 
 elder of the two learned and most ingenious ladies? It is 
 wonderful to see that they should always be making them- 
 selves older than they really are; so contrary to most of 
 their sex, who love to conceal their wrinkles and gray 
 hairs as much as they can; whereas these two aged ma- 
 trons are always quarrelling for seniority, and employing 
 counsel to plead their causes for 'em. These are Old Nick 
 Cantalupe and Cains on one side, and Bryan Twynne and 
 Tony Wood on the other, who, with equal learning, deep 
 penetration, and acuteness, have traced their ages back, 
 God knows how far: one was born just after the siege of 
 Troy, and the other several hundred years before Christ; 
 since which time they have gone by as many names as the 
 pretty little bantling at Rome, or the woman that was 
 hanged t'other day in England, for having twenty -three 
 husbands. Oxford, say they, was the daughter of Mem- 
 pricius, an old British king, who called her from his own 
 name, Caer Memprick, alias Greeklade, alias Leechlade, 
 alias Ehidycen, alias Bellositum, alias Oxenforde, alias 
 Oxford, as all great men's children have several names. 
 So was Cambridge, say others, the daughter of one Can- 
 taber, a Spanish rebel and fugitive, who called her Caer- 
 grant, alias Cantabridge, alias Cambridge. But, that I 
 may not affront either of these old ladies," adds this face- 
 tious but sarcastic writer, "I will not take it upon me to 
 decide which of the two hath most wrinkles * * * *. 
 Who knows but they may be twins." 
 
 Another authority, the author of the History of Cam- 
 bridge, published by Ackermann, in 1815, says that 
 
16 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 THIS CELEBRATED CONTROVERSY 
 
 Had its origin in 1564, when Queen Elizabeth visited the 
 University of Cambridge, and "the Public Orator, address- 
 ing Her Majesty, embraced the opportunity of extolling 
 the antiquity of the University to which he belonged above 
 that of Oxford. This occasioned Thomas Key, Master of 
 University College, Oxford, to compose a small treatise 
 on the antiquity of his own University, which he referred 
 to the fabulous period when the Greek professors accompa- 
 nied Brute to England; and to the less ambiguous era of 
 870, when Science was invited to the banks of the Isis, 
 under the auspices of the great Alfred. A MS. copy of 
 this production of Thomas Key accidentally came into the 
 hands of the Earl of Leicester, from whom it passed into 
 those of Dr. John Caius (master and founder of Gonvile 
 and Caius Colleges, Cambridge,) who, resolving not to be 
 vanquished in asserting the chronological claims of his own 
 University, undertook to prove the foundation of Cam- 
 bridge by Cantaber, nearly four hundred years before the 
 Christian era. He thus assigned the birth of Cambridge 
 to more than 1200 anterior to that which had been secon- 
 darily ascribed to Oxford by the champion of that seat of 
 learning; and yet it can be hardly maintained that he had 
 the best of the argument, since the primary foundation by 
 the son of iEneas, it is evident, remains unimpeached, and 
 the name of Brute, to say the least of it, is quite as credita- 
 ble as that of Cantaber. The work which Dr. John Caius 
 published, though under a feigned name, along with that 
 which it was written to refute, was entitled, 'Be Antiqui- 
 tate Catabrigiensis Academic, libri ii. in quorum %do. de 
 Oxoniensis quoque gymnasii antiquitate disseritur, et Can- 
 tabrigiense longe eo antiquius esse definitur, Londinense 
 Author e: adjunximus assertionem antiquitatis Oxoniensis 
 Academise ab Oxoniensi quodam annis jam elapsis duobus 
 ad reginam conscriptam in qua docere conatur, Oxoniense 
 gymnasium Cantabrigiensi antiquius esse: ut ex collatione 
 facile intelligas, utra sit antequior. Excusum Londini, 
 A. D. 1568, Mense Augusto, per Henricum Bynnenum, 
 l£mo.' " and is extant in the British Museum. As may 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 17 
 
 well be supposed by those who are acquainted with the pro- 
 ess of literary warfare, this work of Dr. John Caius drew 
 Groin his namesake, Thomas Caius, a vindication of that 
 which it was intended to refute; and this work he entitled 
 "Thomx Caii Vindicix Antiquitatis Academix Oxonien- 
 sis contra Joannem Cerium Cantabrigiensem." These 
 two singular productions were subsequently published to- 
 gether by Hearne, the Oxford antiquary, who, with a pre- 
 judice natural enough, boasts that the forcible logic of the 
 Oxford advocate "broke the heart and precipitated the 
 death of his Cambridge antagonist." In other words, Dr. 
 John Caius, it is said, 
 
 DIED OF LITERARY MORTIFICATION, 
 
 On learning that his Oxford opponent had prepared a new 
 edition of his work, to be published after his death, in which 
 he was told were some arguments thought to bear hard on 
 his own. "But this appears to have as little foundation as 
 other stories of the kind/' says the editor of the History 
 just quoted; " since it is not probable that Dr. John Caius 
 ever saw the strictures which are said to have occasioned 
 his death: for, as Thomas Caius died in 1572, they remain- 
 ed in MS. till they were published by Hearne in 1730;" — 
 a conclusion, however, to which our learned historian 
 seems to have jumped rather hastily, as it was just as pos- 
 sible that a MS. copy reached Dr. John Caius in the second 
 as in the first case; and it is natural to suppose that the Ox- 
 ford champion would desire it should be so. As a specimen 
 of the manner in which such controversies are conducted, 
 I conclude with the brief notice, that Tony Wood, as the 
 author of Terrse-Fillius calls him, has largely treated of 
 the subject in his Annals of Oxford, where he states, that 
 
 SIR SIMON D'EWES, 
 
 When compiling his work on the antiquity of the Univer- 
 sity of Cambridge, "thought he should be able to set 
 abroad a new matter^ that was never heard of before, for 
 the advancement of his own town and University of Cam- 
 bridge above Oxford;" but "hath done very little or no- 
 a 2 
 
18 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 thing else but renewed the old Crambe, and taken up Dr. 
 Cay's old song, running with him in his opinions and tenets, 
 whom he before condemning of dotage, makes himself by 
 consequence a dotard." According to Sir Simon, "Va- 
 lence College (/. c. Pembroke Hall) was the first endowed 
 college in England;" "his avouching which," says Wood, 
 "is of no force;" and he, as might be expected, puts in a 
 claim for his own college (Merton, of Oxford,) "which," 
 he adds, "Sir Simon might have easily known, had he been 
 conversant with histories, was the oldest foundation in 
 either University." Therefore, "if the antiquity of Cam- 
 bridge depends upon Valence College (or rather, upon Pe- 
 ter House,) and that house upon this distich, which stood 
 for a public inscription in the parlour window thereof, it 
 signifies nothing: — 
 
 "GLua praeit Oxoniam Cancestria longa vetustas 
 Primatus a Petri dicitur orsa Domo." 
 
 He finally overwhelms his opponent by adding, that Oxford 
 became a public University in 1264, and that a bull for the 
 purpose was obtained the previous year, Cambridge then 
 "being but an obscure place of learning, if any at all." 
 Thus I have cracked Nut the First. Those who would 
 add "sweets to the sweets" may find them in abundance 
 in the writers I have named already; and the subject is 
 treated of very learnedly by Dyer, in his Dedication to his 
 "Privileges of the University of Cambridge." 
 
 GONE TO JERUSALEM. 
 
 A learned living oriental scholar, and a senior fellow of 
 St. John's College, Cambridge, who thinks less of journey- 
 ing to Shiraz, Timbuctoo, or the Holy Land, than a Cock- 
 ney would of a trip to Greenwich Fair or Bagnigge Wells, 
 kept in the same court, in College, with a late tutor, now 
 the amiable rector of Staple — t, in Kent. It was their 
 daily practice, when in residence, to take a ramble to- 
 gether, by the footpaths, round by Granchester, and back 
 to College by Trumpington, or to Madingley, or the Hills, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 19 
 
 but more commonly the former; all delightful in their 
 way, and well known to gownsmen for various associa- 
 tions. To one of these our College dons daily wended 
 their way cogitating, for they never talked, it is said, over 
 the omnia magna of Cambridge life. Their invariable 
 practice was to keep moving at a stitt' pace, some four or 
 five yards in advance of each other. Our amiable tutor 
 went one forenoon to call on Mr. P. before starting, as 
 usual, and found his door sported. This staggered him a 
 little. Mr. P.'s bed-maker chanced to come up at the in- 
 stant. "Where is Mr. P.?" was his query. "Gone out, 
 sir," was the reply. "Gone out!" exclaimed Mr. H.; 
 "Where to?" "To Jerusalem," she rejoined. And to 
 Jerusalem he was gone, sure enough; a circumstance of so 
 little import in his eyes, who had seen most parts of the 
 ancient world already, and filled the office of tutor to an 
 Infanta of Spain, that he did not think it matter worth the 
 notice of his College Cham. Other travellers, "vox et 
 ratio," as Horace says, would have had the circumstance 
 bruited in every periodical in Christendom, "quinque se- 
 quuntur ie pueri." 
 
 A CUTTING RETORT 
 
 Is attributed to the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, when a 
 student of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, where he is said to 
 have studied hard, and rose daily, in the depth of winter, 
 at four or five. He one day met a drunken fellow in the 
 streets of Cambridge, who refused him the wall, observing, 
 "I never give the wall to a rascal." "I do," retorted his 
 Lordship, moving out of the way. It was probably this 
 incident that gave rise to the couplet — 
 
 "Base man to take the wall I ne'er- permit." 
 The scholar said, "I do;" and gave him it. 
 
 vSa* 
 
20 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 LIBERTY A PLANT. 
 
 "Qui teneros caules alieni frcgerit hortl."— Hor, 
 
 During the progress of a political meeting held in the 
 town of Cambridge, it so happened that the late Dr. Man- 
 sel, then Public Orator of the University of Cambridge, 
 but afterwards Master of Trinity College and Bishop of 
 Bristol, came to the place of meeting just as Musgrave, 
 the well known political tailor of his day, was in the midst 
 of a most pathetic oration, and emphatically repeating, 
 "Liberty, liberty, gentlemen — " He paused, — "Liberty 
 is a plant — " "So is a cabbage!" exclaimed the caustic 
 Mansel, before Musgrave had time to complete his sen- 
 tence, with so happy an allusion to the trade of the tailor, 
 that he was silenced amidst roars of laughter. Another 
 instance of — 
 
 A TAILOR BEING TAKEN BY SURPRISE, 
 
 But by an Oxonian, a learned member of Christ Church, 
 is recorded in the fact, that having, for near half a centu- 
 ry, been accustomed to walk with a favourite stick, the 
 ferule of which, at the bottom, came off, he took it to his 
 tailor to have it repaired. 
 
 REASONS FOR NOT PUBLISHING. 
 
 The famous antiquary, Thomas Baker, B.D. of St* 
 John's College, Cambridge, of which he was long Socius 
 Ejectus, lays it down as a principle, in his admirable Re- 
 flections on Learning, "that if we \\2id fewer books, we 
 should have more learning." It is singular that he never 
 published but the one book named, though he has left be- 
 hind him forty -two volumes of manuscripts, the greater 
 part in the Harleian Collection, in the British Museum, 
 principally relating to Cambridge, and all neatly written 
 in his own hand. 
 
 DECLINING KING GEORGE. 
 When "honest Vere" Foster, as he is called by "mild 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 21 
 
 William," his contemporary at College, and the grandfa- 
 ther of our celebrated traveller, Dr. Edward Daniel Clarke, 
 was a student at Cambridge, where he was celebrated for 
 his wit and humour, and for being a good scholar, St. 
 John's being looked upon as a Tory college, a young fel- 
 low, a student, reputed a Whig, was appointed to deliver 
 an oration in the College Hall, on the 5th of November. 
 This he did; but having, for some time, dwelt on the dou- 
 ble deliverance of that day, in his peroration, he passed 
 from King William to King George, on whom he bestowed 
 great encomiums. When the speech was over, honest 
 Vere and the orator being at table together, the former ad- 
 dressed the latter with, "I did not imagine, sir, that you 
 would decline King George in your speech." "Decline!" 
 said the astonished orator: "what do you mean? I spoke 
 very largely and handsomely of him." "That is what I 
 mean, too, sir," said Vere: "for you had him in every case 
 and termination: Georgins — Georgii — Georgio — Geor- 
 gium — O Georgi!" 
 
 Another of "honest Vere's" 
 
 X 
 CLASSICAL JEU D'ESPRIT 
 A 
 Is deserving a place in our treasury. He one day asked 
 his learned college contemporary, Dr. John Taylor, editor 
 of Demosthenes, "why he talked of selling his horse?" 
 "Because," replied the doctor, "I cannot afford to keep 
 him in these hard times." "You should keep a mare," 
 rejoined Foster, "according to Horace — 
 
 ' iEqna m memento rebus in arduis 
 Servare? " 
 
 A TRAIT OF BARROW. 
 
 Soon after that great, good, and loyal son of Granta, Dr. 
 Isaac Barrow, was made a prebend of Salisbury, says Dr. 
 Pope, "I overheard him say, / wish 1 had Jive hundred 
 pounds.* 'That's a large sum for a philosopher," ob- 
 served Dr. Pope; 'what would you do with so much?' f I 
 would,' said he, 'give it to my sister for a portion, that 
 
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 would procure her a good husband.' A few months af- 
 ter," adds his memorialist, "he was made happy by re- 
 ceiving the above sum," which he so much desired, "for 
 putting a new life into the corps of his new prebend." 
 
 INVETERATE SMOKERS. 
 
 Both Oxford and Cambridge have been famous for in- 
 veterate smokers. Amongst them was the learned Dr. 
 Issac Barrow, who said "it helped his thinking." His il- 
 lustrious pupil, Newton, was scarcely less addicted to the 
 "Indian weed," and every body has heard of his hapless 
 courtship, when, in a moment of forgetfulness, he popped 
 the lady's finger into his burning pipe, instead of popping 
 the question, and was so chagrined, that he never could be 
 persuaded to press the matter further. Dr. Parr was al- 
 lowed his pipe when he dined with the first gentleman in 
 Europe, George the Fourth, and when refused the same in- 
 dulgence by a lady at whose house he was staying, he told 
 her, " she was the greatest tobacco -stopper he had ever met 
 with." The celebrated Dr. Farmer, of black-letter me- 
 mory, preferred the comforts of the parlour of Emmanuel 
 College, of which he was master, and a "yard of clay" 
 ( there were no hookahs in his day,) to a bishopric, which 
 dignity he twice refused, when offered to him by Mr. Pitt. 
 Another learned 
 
 LOVER OF TOBACCO, 
 
 And eke of wit, mirth, puns, and pleasantry, was the fa- 
 mous Dr. Aldrich, Dean of Christ Church, Oxford, the 
 never-to-be-forgotten composer of the good old catch — 
 
 "Hark, the merry Christ-Church bells," 
 
 and of another to be sung by four men smoking their 
 pipes, which is not more difficult to sing than diverting to 
 hear. His pipe was his breakfast, dinner, and supper, and 
 a student of Christ Church, at 10 o'clock one night, find- 
 ing it difficult to persuade a "freshman" of the fact, laid 
 him 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 25 
 
 A WAGER, 
 
 That the Dean was at that instant smoking. Away he 
 hurried to the deanery to decide the controversy, and on 
 gaining admission, apologised for his intrusion by relating 
 the occasion of it. "Well," replied the Dean, in perfect 
 good humour, with his pipe in his hand, "you see you have 
 lost your wager: for I am not smoking, but filling my 
 pipe." 
 
 GAME IN EVERY BUSH. 
 
 Bishop Watson says, in his valuable Chemical Essays, 
 that "Sir Isaac Newton and Dr. Bentley met accidentally 
 in London, and on Sir Isaac's inquiring what philosophical 
 pursuits were carrying on at Cambridge, the doctor re- 
 plied, "None; for when you are a-hunting, Sir Isaac, you 
 kill all the game; you have left us nothing to pursue." 
 "Not so," said the philosopher, c; you may start a variety 
 of game in every bush, if you will but take the trouble to 
 beat it." "And so in truth it is," adds Dr. W.; "every 
 object in nature affords occasion for philosophical experi- 
 ment." 
 
 NEWTON'S TOAST. 
 
 The Editor of the Literary Panorama, says Corneille Le 
 Bruyer, the famous Dutch painter, relates, that "happen- 
 ing one day to dine at the table of Newton, with other fo- 
 reigners, when the dessert was sent up, Newton proposed, 
 'a health to the men of every country who believed in a 
 God;' which," says the editor, "was drinking the health of 
 the whole human race." Equal to this was 
 
 THE PIETY OF RAY, 
 
 The celebrated naturalist and divine, who (when ejected 
 from his fellowship of Trinity College, Cambridge, for non- 
 conformity, and, for the same reason, being no longer at 
 
24 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 liberty to exercise his clerical functions as a preacher of 
 the Gospel,) turned to the pursuit of the sciences of 
 natural philosophy and botany for consolation. "Because 
 I could no longer serve God in the church," said this great 
 and good man (in his Preface to the Wisdom of God mani- 
 fested in the Works of the Creation,) "I thought myself 
 more bound to do it by my writings." 
 
 THE DEVIL LOOKING OVER LINCOLN. 
 
 Is a tradition of many ages' standing, but the origin of the 
 celebrated statue of his Satanic Majesty, which of erst 
 overlooked Lincoln College, Oxford, is not so certain as 
 that the effigy was popular, and gave rise to the saying. 
 After outstanding centuries of hot and cold, jibes and jeers, 
 ''cum multis aliis," to which stone, as well as flesh, is heir, 
 it was taken down on the 15th of November, 1731, says a 
 writer in the Gentleman's Magazine, having lost its tiead 
 in a storm ahout two years previously, at the same time the 
 head was blown off the statue of King Charles the First, 
 which overlooked Whitehall. 
 
 RADCLIFFE'S LIBRARY. 
 
 Tom Warton relates, in his somewhat rambling Life of 
 Dr. Ralph Bathurst, President of Trinity College, Oxford, 
 that Dr. Radcliffe was a student of Lincoln College when 
 Dr. B. presided over Trinity; but notwithstanding their 
 difference of age and distance of situation, the President 
 used to visit the young student at Lincoln College "merely 
 for the smartness of his conversation." During one of 
 these morning or evening calls, Dr. B. observing the em- 
 bryo physician had but few books in his chambers, asked 
 him "Where was his study?" upon which young Radcliffe 
 replied, pointing to a few books, a skeleton, and a herbal, 
 "This, Sir, is Radcliffe's library." Tom adds the fol- 
 lowing; 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 25 
 
 TRAITS OF DR. BATHURST'S WIT AND HABITS. 
 
 When the Doctor was Vice-Chancellor of Oxford, a cap- 
 tain of a company, who had fought bravely in the cause of 
 his royal master, King Charles the First, being recom- 
 mended to him for the degree of D.C.L., the doctor told 
 the son of Mars he could not confer the degree, "but he 
 would apply to his majesty to give him a regiment of 
 horse!" 
 
 HE FREQUENTLY CARRIED A WHIP IN HIS HAND, 
 
 An instrument of correction not entirely laid aside in our 
 universities in his time; but (says Tom) he only "delighted 
 to surprise scholars, when walking in the grove at unsea- 
 sonable hours. This he practised," adds Warton, 4 'on ac- 
 count of the pleasure he took in giving so odd an alarm, 
 rather than from any principle of reproving, or intention of 
 applying so illiberal a punishment." One thing is certain, 
 that in the statutes of Trinity College, Oxford (as late as 
 1556,) scholars of the foundation are ordered to be 
 
 WHIPPED EVEN TO THE TWENTIETH YEAR. 
 
 "Dr. Potter," says Aubery, while a tutor of the above 
 college, "whipped his pupil with his sword by his side, when 
 he came to take his leave of him to go to the Inns of Court." 
 This was done to make him a smart fellow. "In Sir John 
 Fane's collection of letters of the Paston family, written 
 temp. Henry VI.," says the author of the Gradus ad Ca- 
 tabrigiam, "we find one of the gentle sex prescribing 
 for her son, who was at Cambridge," no doubt with a ma- 
 ternal anxiety that he should 
 
 BE A SMART FELLOW, 
 
 as follows: — "Prey Grenefield to send me faithfully worde 
 by wrytyn, who (how) Clemit Paston hathe do his dever i' 
 lernying, and if he hath nought do well, nor will nought 
 amend, prey hym that he wyll truely belash hym tyl he wyll 
 amend, and so dyd the last mastyr, and the best eu' he had 
 at Cambridge." And that Master Grenefield might not 
 
26 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 want due encouragement, she concludes with promising him 
 "X m'rs," for his pains. We do not, however, learn how 
 many marks young Master Clemit received, who certainly 
 took more pains. — Patiendo nonfaciendo — Ferendo non 
 feriendo. 
 
 MILTON WAS BELASHED 
 
 over the buttery-hatch of Christ-College, Cambridge, and, 
 as Dr. Johnson insinuates in his Life, was the last Cam- 
 bridge student so castigated in either university. 'The of- 
 ficer who performed this fundamental operation was Dr. 
 Thomas Bainbrigge, the master of Christ's College. But 
 as it was at a later date that Dr. Ralph Bathurst carried his 
 whip, according to our friend Tom's showing, to surprise 
 the scholars, it is therefore going a great length to give our. 
 "Prince of Poets" the sole merit of being the last smart fellow 
 that issued from the halls of either Oxford or Cambridge, 
 handsome as he was. 
 
 The following celebrated 
 
 EPIGRAM ON AN EPIGRAM, 
 
 Printed, says the Oxford Sausage, "from the original MSS. 
 preserved in the archives of the Jelly-bag Society," is 
 somewhere said to have been written by Dr. Ralph Ba- 
 thurst, when an Oxford scholar: — 
 
 One day in Christ-church meadows walking, 
 Of poetry and such things talking, 
 
 Says Ralph, a merry wag, 
 An epigram, if right and good, 
 In all its circumstances should 
 
 Be like a jelly-bag. 
 
 Your simile, I own, is new, 
 
 But how dost make it out? quoth Hugh. 
 
 duoth Ralph, I'll tell you, friend: 
 Make it at top both wide and fit 
 To hold a budget full of wit, 
 
 And point it at the end. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 27 
 
 TELL US WHAT YOU CAN'T DC? 
 
 A party of Oxford scholars were one evening carousing 
 at the Star Inn, when a waggish student, a stranger to them, 
 abruptly introduced himself, and seeing he was not "one 
 of us," they all began to quiz him. This put him upon his 
 mettle, and, besides boasting of other accomplishments, he 
 told them, in plain terms, that he could write Greek or 
 Latin Verses better, and was, in short, an over-match for 
 them at any thing. Upon this, one of the party exclaimed, 
 "You have told us a great deal of what you can do, tell us 
 something you can't do?" "Well," he retorted, *F11 tell 
 you what I can't do—*/ can't pay my reckoning!" This 
 sally won him a hearty welcome. 
 
 THE FIRST WOMEN INTRODUCED INTO A CLOISTER. 
 
 About 1550, whilst the famous Richard Cox, Bishop of 
 Ely, was Dean of Christ-church, Oxford, says Cole, in his 
 Athenae Cant., "he brought his wife into the college, who, 
 with the wife of Peter Martyr, a canon of the same ca- 
 thedral, were observed to be the first women ever intro- 
 duced into a cloister or college, and, upon that account, 
 gave no small scandal at the time." This reminds me of 
 an anecdote that used to amuse the under -grads in my day 
 at Cambridge. A certain D.D., head of a college, a bache- 
 lor, and in his habits retired to a degree of solitariness, in 
 an unlucky moment gave a lady that did not want twice 
 bidding, not a bill of exchange, but a running invitation to 
 the college lodge, to be used at pleasure. She luckily seized 
 the long vacation for making her appearance, when there 
 were but few students in residence; but to the confusion 
 of our D. D. , her ten daughters came en traiae, and the col- 
 lege was not a little scandalized by their playing shuttle- 
 cock in the open court — the lady was in no haste to go. 
 Report says sundry hints were given in vain. She took 
 his original invite in its literal sense, to "suit her own con- 
 venience." The anxiety he endured threw our modest 
 D.D. into a sick-bed, and not relishing the office of nurse 
 
OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 to a bachelor of sixty years' standing, she decamped, + her 
 
 ten daughters. 
 
 THE CAMBRIDGE SCHOLAR AND THE GHOST OF A 
 SCRAG OF MUTTON. 
 
 In the days that are past, by the side of a stream, 
 
 Where waters but softly were flowing, 
 With ivy o'ergrown an old mansion-house stood, 
 That was built on the skirts of a chilling damp wood, 
 
 Where the yew-tree and cypress were growing. 
 
 The villagers shook as they passed by the doors, 
 
 When they rested at eve from their labours; 
 And the traveller many a furlong went round, 
 If his ears once admitted the terrific sound, 
 Of the tale that was told by the neighbours. 
 
 They said, "that the house in the skirts of the wood 
 
 By a saucer-eyed ghost was infested, 
 Who filled every heart with confusion and fright, 
 By assuming strange shapes at the dead of the night, 
 
 Shapes monstrous, and foul, and detested." 
 
 And truly they said, and the monster well knew, 
 
 That the ghost was the greatest of evils; 
 For no sooner the bell of the mansion toll'd one, 
 Than the frolicksome imp in a fury begun 
 To caper like ten thousand devils. 
 
 He appeared in forms the most strange and uncouth, 
 
 Sure never was goblin so daring! 
 He utter'd loud shrieks and most horrible cries, 
 Curst his body and bones, and his sweet little eyes, 
 
 Till his impudence grew beyond bearing. 
 
 Just at this nick o' time, when the master's sad heart 
 
 With anguish and sorrow was swelling, 
 He heard that a scholar with science complete, 
 Full of magical lore as an egg's full of«meat, 
 At Cambridge had taken a dwelling. 
 
 The scholar was versed in all magical arts, 
 
 Most famous was he throughout college; 
 To the Red Sea full oft many an unquiet ghost, 
 To repose with King Pharaoh and his mighty host, 
 He had sent through his powerful knowledge. 
 
 To this scholar so learn'd the master he went, 
 And as lowly he bent with submission, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 29 
 
 Told the freaks of the horrible frights 
 That prevented his household from resting at nights, 
 And offered this humble petition: — 
 
 " That he, the said scholar, in wisdom so wise, 
 Would the mischievous fiend lay in fetters; 
 
 Would send him in torments for ever to dwell, 
 
 In the nethermost pit of the nethermost hell, 
 For destroying the sleep of his betters." 
 
 The scholar so versed in all magical lore, 
 
 Told the master his pray'r should be granted; 
 He ordered his horse to be saddled with speed, 
 And perch'd on the back of his cream colour' 1 
 Trotted off to the house that was h" 
 
 "Bring me turnips and milk!" the scl 
 
 In voice like the echoing thunder: 
 He brought him some turnips and sue 
 Some milk and a spoon, and his motic 
 
 Quite lost in conjecture and wonder. 
 
 He took up the turnips, and peel'd off t 
 
 Put them into a pot that was boiling; 
 Spread a table and cloth, and made reac 
 Then call'd for a fork, and the turnips fi. 
 
 In a hurry, for they were a-spoiling. 
 
 He mash'd up the turnips with butter and % 
 
 The hail at the casement 'gan clatter! 
 Yet this scholar ne'er heeded the tempest i 
 But raising his eyes, and turning about, 
 
 Asked the maid for a small wooden platt 
 
 He mash'd up the turnips with butter and s; 
 
 The storm came on thicker and faster — 
 The lightnings went flash, and with terrific ( 
 The wind at each crevice and cranny came i 
 
 Tearing up by the root lath and plaster. 
 
 He mash'd up the turnips with nutmegs and s] 
 
 The mess would have ravish'd a glutton; 
 When lo! with sharp bones hardly covered wit] 
 The ghost from a nook o'er the window peep'd 1 
 
 In the form of a boiVd scrag of mutton. 
 
 "Ho! Ho!" said the ghost, "what art doing below 
 
 The scholar peep'd up in a twinkling — 
 "The times are too hard to afford any meat, 
 So to render my turnips more pleasant to eat, 
 
 A few grains of pepper I'm sprinkling." 
 B 2 
 
30 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Then he caught up a fork, and the mutton he seiz'd, 
 
 And soused it at once in the platter; 
 Threw o'er it some salt and a spoonful of fat, 
 And before the poor ghost could tell what he was at, 
 He was gone like a mouse down the throat of a cat, 
 And this is the whole of the matter. 
 
 ( iOMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS. 
 
 i Franklin, Fellow and Master of Sidney 
 bridge, 1730, u a very fat, rosy-complexion- 
 e g soon after he was made Dean of Ely, and 
 
 b id by Dr. Ellis, c< a meagre, weasel-faced, 
 
 s man," the Fenman of Ely, says (Cole) in 
 
 a ), out of vexation at being so soon called up- 
 
 o Hon money, made the following humorous 
 
 dfc 
 
 "The Devil took our Dean. 
 And pick'd his bones clean; 
 Then clapt him on a board, 
 And sent him back again." 
 
 ' DOWN A PATIENT'S THROAT. 
 
 ro of a trade can ne'er agree, 
 roverb e'er was juster; 
 r y've ta'en down Bishop Blaize, d'ye see, 
 I put up Bishop Bluster." 
 
 Dr. Mansel, on Bishop Watson* s head becom- 
 ing a signboard, in Cambridge, in lieu of 
 the ancient one of Bishop Blaize. — Fa- 
 cetiae Cant., p. 7. 
 
 nnington and Sir Busick Harwood were co- 
 t< ambridge. The first as Regius Professor 
 
 o Senior Fellow of St. John's College, the 
 
 o >ssor of Anatomy and Fellow of Downing 
 
 l were eminent in their way, but seldom 
 a d each other's abilities pretty cheap, some 
 
 si i contempt. Sir Busick was once called in 
 
 by the ti tends of a patient that had been under Sir Isaac's 
 care, but had obtained small relief, anxious to hear his opin- 
 ion of the malady. Not approving of the treatment pur- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 31 
 
 sued, he inquired "who was the physician in attendance, 
 and on being told, exclaimed — "He! If he were to descend 
 into a patient's stomach with a candle and lantern, he 
 would not have been able to name the complaint!" 
 
 THIS DIFFERENCE OF OPINION 
 
 Was hit off, it is supposed, not by Dean Swift or wicked 
 Will Whiston, but by Bishop Mansel, as follows: — 
 
 Sir Isaac, 
 
 Sir Busick; 
 
 Sir Busick, 
 
 Sir Isaac; 
 'Twould make you and I sick 
 To taste their physick. 
 
 Another, perhaps the same Cambridge wag, penned the 
 following quaternion on Sir Isaac, which appeared under 
 the title of 
 
 AN EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAITRE PHYSICIAN. 
 
 When Pennington for female ills indites, 
 Studying alone not what, but how he writes, 
 The ladies, as his graceful form they scan, 
 Cry, with lll-omen'd rapture, "killing man!" 
 
 But Sir Isaac, too, was a wit, and chanced on a time to be 
 one of a Cambridge party, amongst whom was a rich old 
 fellow, an invalid, who was too mean to buy an opinion on 
 his case, and thought it a good opportunity to worm one 
 out of Sir Isaac gratis. He accordingly seized the oppor- 
 tunity for reciting the whole catalogue of his ills, ending 
 with, "what would you advise me to take, my dear Sir 
 Isaac?" "I should recommend you to take advice," was the 
 reply. 
 
 PORSON, 
 
 Whose very name conjures up the spirits of ten thousand 
 wits, holding both sides, over a copus of Trinity ale and a 
 classical pun, would not only frequently "steal a few 
 hours from the night," but see out both lights and liquids, 
 
32 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 and seem none the worse for the carouse. He had one night 
 risen for the purpose of reaching his hat from a peg to de- 
 part, after having finished the port, sherry, gin-store, &c, 
 when he espied a can of 6eer, says Dyer, (surely it must 
 have been audit,) in a corner. Restoring his hat to its rest- 
 ing place, he reseated himself with the following happy 
 travestie of the old nursery lines — 
 
 "When wine is gone, and ale is spent, 
 Then small beer is most excellent." 
 
 It was no uncommon thing for his gyp to enter his room 
 with Phoebus, and find him still en robe, with no other com- 
 panions but a Homer, iEschylus, Plato, and a dozen or 
 two other old Grecians surrounding an empty bottle, or 
 what his late Royal Highness the Duke of York would have 
 styled "a marine," id est "a good fellow, who had done his 
 duty, and was ready to do it again. Upon his gyp once 
 peeping in before day light, and finding him still up, Por- 
 son answered his "quodpetis?" (whether he wanted can- 
 dles or liquor,) with 
 
 CV TC<Js Cvf O.XX0. 
 
 Scottice — neither Toddy nor Tallow. 
 
 At another time, when asked what he would drink? he 
 replied— "aliquid" (a liquid.) 
 
 He was once 
 
 BOASTING AT A CAMBRIDGE PARTY, 
 
 That he could pun upon anything, when he was challenged 
 to do so upon the Latin Gerunds, and exclaimed, after a 
 pause — 
 
 "When Dido found iEneas would not come, 
 She mourned in silence, and was Di-do-dum(b). 
 
 BISHOP HEBER'S COLLEGE PUNS. 
 
 The late amiable, learned, and pious Bishop Heber was 
 not above a pun in his day, notwithstanding Dr. Johnson's 
 anathema, that a man who made a pun would pick a pock- 
 et. Among the jeux des mots attributed to him are the 
 following: he was one day dining with an Oxford party, 
 comprising the elite of his day, and when the servant was 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 33 
 
 in the act of removing the table-cloth from off the green 
 table-covering, at the end of their meal, he exclaimed, in 
 the words of Horace — 
 
 "Diffugere nives: redeunt jam gramma campis." 
 
 At another time he made one of a party of Oxonians, 
 amongst whom was a gentleman of great rotundity of per- 
 son, on which account he had acquired the soubriquet of 
 'heavy-a — se;' and he was withal of very somniferous ha- 
 bits, frequently dozing in the midst of a conversation that 
 would have made the very glasses tingle with delight. He 
 had fallen fast asleep during the time a mirth-moving sub- 
 ject was recited by one of the party, but woke up just at 
 the close, when all save himself were ' 'shaking fat sides," 
 and on his begging to know the subject of their laughter, 
 Heber let fly at him in pure Horatian — 
 
 "Exsomnis stupet Evias." 
 
 The mirth-loving Dr. Barnard, late Provost of Eton, was 
 cotemporary, at Cambridge, with 
 
 A WORTHY OF THE SAME SCHOOL, 
 
 Who, then a student of St. John's College, used to fre- 
 quent the same parties that Barnard did, who was of 
 King's. Barnard used to taunt him with his stupidity; 
 "and," said Judge Hardinge, who records the anecdote, 
 "he one day half killed Barnard with laughter, who had 
 been taunting him, as usual, with the simplicity of the fol- 
 lowing excuse and remonstrance: 'You are always running 
 your rigs upon me and calling me 'stupid fellow;' and it 
 is very cruel, now, that's what it is; for you don't con- 
 sider that a broad-wheeled wagon went over my head when 
 I was ten years old." And here I must remark upon the 
 injustice of persons reflecting upon the English Universi- 
 ties, as their enemies often do, because every man who 
 succeeds in getting a degree does not turn out a Porson or 
 a Newton. I knew one Cantab, a Caius man, to whom 
 writing a letter to his friends was such an effort, that he 
 used to get his medical attendant to give him an segrotat 
 (put him on the sick list,) and, besides, 
 
34 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 KEEP HIS DOOR SPORTED FOR A WEEK, 
 
 till the momentous task was accomplished. And two Oxo- 
 nians were of late 
 
 PLUCKED AT THEIR DIVINITY EXAMINATION, 
 
 Because one being asked, "Who was the Mediator, be- 
 tween God and man?" answered, "The Archbishop of Can- 
 terbury" The other being questioned as to "why our 
 Saviour sat on the right hand of God?' 'replied, " Because 
 the Holy Ghost sat on the left." 
 
 COMPLIMENT TO THE MEN OP EXETER COLLEGE, 
 OXON. 
 
 "The men of Exeter College, Oxon," says Fuller, in his 
 Church History, "consisted chiefly of Cornish and Devon- 
 shire men, the gentry of which latter, Queen Elizabeth used 
 to say, are courtiers by birth. And as these western men 
 do bear away the bell for might and sleight in wrestling, 
 so the scholars here have always acquitted themselves with 
 credit in Palsestra literaria" 
 
 And writing of this society reminds me that 
 
 HIS GRACE OF WELLINGTON 
 
 Is a living example of the fact, that it does not require great 
 learning to make a great general; nor is great learning al- 
 ways necessary to complete the character of the head of a 
 college. The late Rector of Exeter College, Dr. Cole, raised 
 that society, by his prudent management, from the very re- 
 duced rank in which he found it amongst the other founda- 
 tions of Oxford, to a flourishing and high reputation for good 
 scholarship. Yet he is said one day to have complimented 
 a student at collections, by saying, after the gentleman had 
 construed his portion of Sophocles, "Sir, you have constru- 
 ed your Livy very well." He nevertheless redeemed his 
 credit by one day posing a student, during his divinity ex- 
 amination, with asking him, in vain, "What Christmas day 
 was?" Another Don of the same college, once asking a 
 student of the society some divinity question, which he was 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 35 
 
 equally at a loss for an answer, he exclaimed — <£ Good God, 
 sir, you the son of a clergyman, and not answer such a 
 question as that?" Aristotle was of opinion that know- 
 ledge could only be acquired, but our tutor seems to have 
 thought, like the opponents of Aristotle, that a son of a par- 
 son ought to be born to it. 
 
 ANOTHER OXONIAN WAS POSED, 
 
 Whom I knew, yet was by no means deficient in scho- 
 lastic learning, and withal a great wag. He was asked, at 
 the divinity examination, how many sacraments there were. 
 This happened at the time that the Catholic question was 
 in the high road to the House of Lords, under the auspices 
 of the Duke of Wellington, and he had been cramming his 
 upper story with abundance of Catholic Faith from the 
 writings of Faber* Gandolphy, and the Bishops of Durham 
 and Exeter. "How many sacraments are there, sir?" re- 
 peated the Examiner (of course referring to the Church of 
 England.) The student pause d on, and the question was 
 repeated a second time; "Why — a — suppose — we — a — say 
 half a dozen," was the reply. It is needless to add he was 
 plucked. The following 
 
 LAPSUS GRAMMATICS 
 
 Is attributed to a certain D.D. of Exeter, who, having un- 
 dertaken to lionize one of the foreign princes of the many 
 that accompanied the late king and the sovereigns of Rus- 
 sia and Prussia to Oxford, in 1814, a difficulty arose be- 
 tween them as to their medium of communication; the 
 prince being ignorant of the English language, and the doc- 
 tor no less so with respect to modern foreign languages. In 
 this dilemma the latter proposed an interchange of ideas 
 by means of the fingers, in the following unique address: — 
 "Intelligisne colloquium cum digitalibus tuis?" 
 
 It would be somewhat awkward for certain alumni if his 
 Grace of Wellington should issue an imperative decree, as 
 Chancellor, 
 
 THAT THE LATIN TONGUE BE USED, 
 (As Wood says, in his annals, the famous Archbishop Ban- 
 
36 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 croft did, on being raised to the dignity of Chancellor of 
 Oxford in 1608,) "By the students in their halls and col- 
 leges, whereby," said his Grace, "the young as well as 
 the old may be inured to a ready and familiar delivery of 
 their minds in that language, whereof there was now so 
 much use both in studies and common conversation; for 
 it was now observed (and so it may in these present times, 
 adds Wood,) that it was a great blemish to the learned 
 men of this nation, that they being complete in all good 
 knowledge, yet they were not able promptly and aptly to 
 express themselves in Latin, but with hesitation and cir- 
 cumlocution, which arise th only from disuse. " 
 
 EFFECT OF HABIT. 
 
 Dr. Fothergill, when Provost of Queen's College, Ox- 
 ford, was a singular as well as a learned man, and would 
 not have been seen abroad minus his wig and gown for a 
 dukedom. One night a fire broke out in the lodge, which 
 spread with such rapidity, that it was with difficulty Mrs. 
 F. and family escaped the fury of the flames; and this she 
 no sooner did than, naturally enough, the question was, 
 "Where is the Doctor?" No Doctor was to be found; and 
 the cry was he had probably perished in the flames. All 
 was bustle, and consternation, and tears, till suddenly, to 
 the delight of all, he emerged from the burning pile, full- 
 dressed, as usual, his wig something the worse for being 
 nearly 'done to a turn;' but he deemed it indecorous for 
 him to appear otherwise, though he stayed to robe at the 
 risk of his life. 
 
 THE CONCUSSION. 
 
 The living Cambridge worthy, William Sydney Walk- 
 er, M.A. (who at the age of sixteen wrote the successful 
 tragedy of Wallace, and recently vacated his fellowship 
 at Trinity College "for conscience-sake,") walking hasti- 
 ly round the corner of a street in Cambridge, in his pecu- 
 liarly near-sighted sidling hasty manner, he suddenly came 
 in contact with the blind muffin-man who daily perambu- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 37 
 
 lates the town. The concussion threw both upon their 
 haunches. "Don't you see I'm blind?" exclaimed the 
 muffin-man, in great wrath. "How should I," rejoined 
 the learned wag, "when I'm blind too." 
 
 COMIC PICTURE OF THE ELECTION OF A PROVOST 
 OF KING'S COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 Upon the death of a provost of King's College, Cam- 
 bridge, the fellows are obliged, according to their statutes, 
 to be shut up in their celebrated chapel till they have 
 agreed upon the election of a successor, a custom not un- 
 like that to which the cardinals are subject at Rome, upon 
 the death of a pope, where not uncommonly some half do- 
 zen are brought out dead before an election takes place. 
 "The following is a comic picture of an election," says 
 Judge Hardinge, in Nichols's Illustrations of Literature, 
 from the pen of Daniel Wray, Esq. dated from Cam- 
 bridge, the 19th of January, 1T43. "The election of a 
 {>rovost of King's is over — Dr. George is the man. The 
 ellows went into chapel on Monday, before noon in the 
 morning, as the statute directs. After prayers and sacra- 
 ment, they began to vote: — 22 for George: 16 for Tkaek- 
 ery; 10 for Chapman. Thus they continued, scrutinizing 
 and walking about, eating and sleeping; some of them 
 smoking. Still the same numbers for each candidate, till 
 yesterday about noon (for they held that in the forty-eight 
 hours allowed for the election no adjournment could be 
 made,) when the Tories, Chapman's friends, refusing ab- 
 solutely to concur with either of the other parties, Thack- 
 ery's votes went over to George by agreement, and he was 
 declared. A friend of mine, a curious fellow, tells me he 
 took a survey of his brothers at two o'clock in the morn- 
 ing, and that never was a more curious or a more divert- 
 ing spectacle: some wrapped in blankets, erect in their 
 stalls like mummies; others asleep on cushions, like so 
 many Gothic tombs. Here a red cap over a wig, there a 
 face lost in the cape of a rug: one blowing a chafing-dish 
 with a surplice-sleeve; another warming a little negus, or 
 c 
 
58 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 sipping Coke upon Littleton, i. e. tent and brandy. Thus 
 did they combat the cold of that frosty night, which has 
 not killed any one of them, to my infinite surprise. " One 
 of the fellows of King's engaged in this election was Mr. 
 C. Pratt, afterwards Lord High Chancellor of England, 
 and father of the present Marquis of Camden, who, writing 
 to his amiable and learned friend and brother Etonian and 
 Kingsman, Dr. Sneyd Davies, archdeacon of Derby, &c. 
 in the January of the above year, says, "Dear Sneyd, we 
 are all busy in the choice of a provost. George and Thack- 
 ery are the candidates. George has all the power and 
 weight of the Court interest, but I am for Thackery, so 
 that I am at present a patriot, and vehemently declaim 
 against all unstatutable influence. The College are so 
 divided, that your friends the Tories may turn the balance 
 if they will; but, if they should either absent themselves 
 or nominate a third man, Chapman, for example, Thackery 
 will be discomfited. Why are not you a doctor? We 
 could choose you against all opposition. However, I in- 
 sist upon it, that you shall qualify yourself against the 
 next vacancy, for since you will not come to London, and 
 wear lawn sleeves, you may stay where you are, and be 
 provost," — which he did not live to be, though he did take 
 his D.D. 
 
 SIR, DOMINUS, MAGISTRI, SIR GREENE. 
 
 A writer in an early volume of the Gentleman's Maga- 
 zine has stated, that "the Christian name is never used in 
 the university with the addition of Sir, but the surname 
 only. " Cole says, in reply, "This is certainly so at Cam- 
 bridge. Yet when Bachelors of Arts get into the country, 
 it is quite the reverse; for then, whether curates, chap- 
 lains, vicars, or rectors, they are constantly styled Sir, or 
 Dominus, prefixed to both their names, to distinguish them 
 from Masters of Arts, or MagistrL This may be seen," 
 he says, "in innumerable instances in the lists of incum- 
 bents in New Court, &c. " And, he adds, addressing him- 
 self to that illustrious character, Sylvanus Urban, "I could 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 
 
 produce a thousand others from the wills, institutions, &c. 
 in the diocese of Ely, throughout the whole reign of Henry 
 VIII. and for many years after, till the title was abandon- 
 ed, and are never called Sir Evans, or Sir Martext, as in 
 the university they would be, according to your correspon- 
 dent's opinion, but invariably Sir Hugh Evans and Sir 
 Oliver Martext, &c. The subject," adds this pleasant 
 chronicler, " 'seria ludo,' puts me in mind of a very plea- 
 sant story, much talked of when I was first admitted of 
 the university, which I know to be fact, as I since heard 
 Mr. Greene, the deon of Salisbury, mention it. The dean 
 was at that time only Bachelor of Arts, and Fellow of 
 Bene't College, where Bishop Mawson was master, and 
 then, I think, Bishop of Llandaff, who, being one day at 
 Court, seeing Mr. Greene come into the drawing-room, 
 immediately accosted him, pretty loud, in this manner, 
 How do you do, Sir Greene? Wlien did you leave College, 
 Sir Greene? Mr. Greene was quite astonished, and the 
 company present much more so, as not comprehending the 
 meaning of the salutation or title, till Mr. Greene explain- 
 ed it, and also informed them," observes Cole, with hi- 
 accustomed fulness of information, "of the worthy good 
 bishop's absences." 
 
 HUSBANDS MAY BEAT THEIR WIVES. 
 
 Fuller relates in his Abel Rertivivus, that the celebrated 
 President of Corpus Christi College, Oxford, Dr. John 
 Rainolds, the contemporary of Jeweland Usher, had a con- 
 troversy with one William Gager, a student of Christ- 
 Church, who contended for the lawfulness of stage-plav>; 
 and the same Gager, he adds, maintained, horresco refer - 
 ens! in a public act in the university, that "it was lawful 
 for husbands to beat their wives. " 
 
 ANOTHER ATTACK ON THE LADIES 
 Is contained in Antony Wood's "angry account" of the al- 
 
40 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 terations made in Merton College, of which he was a fel- 
 low, during the wardenship of Sir Thomas Clayton, whose 
 lady, says Wood, "did put the college to unnecessary 
 charges and very frivolous expenses, among which were a 
 very large looking-glass, for her to see her ugly face, and 
 body to the middle, * * * * * * 
 
 which was brought in Hilary terme, 1674, and cost, as the 
 bursar told me, above 10/.; a bedstead and bedding, 
 worth 40/. , must also be bought, because the former bed- 
 stead and bedding was too short for him (he being a tall 
 man,) so perhaps when a short warden comes, a short bed 
 must be bought." There were also other 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY DOINGS AT MERTON. 
 
 When the Vandals of Parliamentary visiters, in Crom- 
 well's time, perpetrated their spoliations at Oxford, one 
 of them, Sir Nathaniel Brent, says Wood, actually "took 
 down the rich hangings at the altar of the chapel, and or- 
 namented Irs bedchamber with them." 
 
 DIGGING YOUR GRAVES WITH YOUR TEETH. 
 
 The late vice-master of Trinity College, Cambridge, the 
 Rev. William Hodson, B.D., and the late Regius Professor 
 of Hebrew, the Rev. William Collier, B.D., who had also 
 been tutor of Trinity College, were both skilled in the 
 science of music, and constant visiters at the quartett par- 
 ties of Mr. Sharp, of Green Street, Cambridge, organist of 
 St. John's College. The former happened one evening to 
 enter Mr. Sharp's sanctum sanctorum, rather later than 
 usual, and found the two latter just in the act of discuss- 
 ing a brace of roast ducks, with a bowl of punch in the back- 
 ground. He was pressed to join them. "No, no, gentle- 
 men," was his reply, "give me a glass of ivater and a 
 crust. You know not what you are doing. You are dig- 
 ging your graves with your teeth." Both gentlemen, how- 
 ever, out Jived him. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 
 
 41 
 
 DR. TORKINGTON'S GRATITUDE TO HIS HORSE. 
 
 The late master of Clare Hall, Cambridge, Dr. Tork- 
 ington, was one evening stopped by a footpad or pads, in 
 the neighbourhood of Cambridge, when riding at an hum- 
 ble pace on his old Rosinante, which had borne him through 
 many a long year. Both horse and master were startled 
 by the awful tones in which the words, "Stand, and deli- 
 ver!" were uttered, to say nothing of the flourish of a shil- 
 lelah, or something worse, and an unsuccessful attempt to 
 grab the rein. The horse, declining acquiescence, set off 
 at a good round pace, and thus saved his master; an act 
 for which the old doctor was so grateful, that he never su f 
 fered it to be rode again, but had it placed in a padd^ 
 facing his lodge, on the banks of the Cam, where, * 
 
 fJentiful supply of food, and his own daily atte* 
 ingered out the remnant of life, and "liv'd 
 ease." 
 
 SAY JOHN SHARP IS A I 
 
 At the time the celebrated Archbishoj at Ox- 
 ford, it was the custom in that Univers wise in 
 Cambridge, for students to have a elm ianion, 
 who not only shared the sitting-room wit \r 9 but 
 the bed also; and a writer, speaking of ity of 
 Cambridge, says, one of the colleges was od so 
 full, that when writing a letter, the stude liged 
 to hold their hand over it, to prevent its >eing 
 seen. "Archbishop Sharp, when an Oxfoi was 
 awoke in the night by his chum lying by hi told 
 him he had just dreamed a most extraor un; 
 which was, that he ( Sharp) would be an of 
 York. After some time, he again awoke hi; he 
 had dreamt the same, and was well assured ir- 
 rive at that dignity. Sharp, extremely angrv us 
 disturbed, told him if he awoke him any mo Id 
 send him out of bed. However, his chum, ag. g 
 the same, ventured to awake him; on which S e 
 
40 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 much enraged; but his bed-fellow telling him, if he had 
 again the same dream he would not annoy him any more, 
 if he would faithfully promise him, should he ever become 
 archbishop, to give him a good rectory, which he named. 
 "Well, well," said Sharp, "you silly fellow, go to sleep; 
 and if your dream, which is very unlikely, should come 
 true, I promise you the living." "By that time," said 
 his chum, "you will have forgot me and your promise." 
 "No, no," says Sharp, "that I shall not; but, it I do not 
 remember you, and refuse you the living, then say John 
 Sharp is a rogue. " After Dr. Sharp had been archbishop 
 some time, his old friend (his chum) applied to him (on 
 the said rectory being vacant,) and, after much difficulty, 
 got admitted to his presence, having been informed by the 
 servant, that the archbishop was particularly engaged with 
 a gentleman relative to the same rectory for which he was 
 going to apply. The archbishop was told there was a cler- 
 gyman who was extremely importunate to see him, and 
 would take no denial. His Grace, extremely angry, or- 
 dered him to be admitted, and requested to know why he 
 had so rudely almost forced himself into his presence. 
 "I come," says he, "my Lord, to claim an old promise, 
 
 the rectory of ." "I do not remember, sir, ever to 
 
 have seen you before; how, then, could I have promised 
 you the rectory, which I have just presented to this gen- 
 tleman?" "Then," says his old chum, "John Sharp is a 
 rogue!" The circumstance was instantly roused in the 
 mind of the archbishop, and the result was, he provided 
 liberally for his dreaming chum in the Church. 
 
 "I SAID AS HOW YOU'D SEE." 
 
 "In the year 1821," says Parke, in his Musical Me- 
 moirs, "I occasionally dined with a pupil of mine, Mr. 
 Knight, who had lately left college. This young man 
 (who played the most difficult pieces on the flute admira- 
 bly) and his brother Cantabs, when they met, were very 
 fond of relating the wild tricks for which the students of 
 the University of Cambridge are celebrated. The follow- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 45 
 
 ing relation of one will convey some idea," he says, "of 
 their general eccentricity: — A farmer, who resided at a 
 considerable distance from Cambridge, but who had, ne- 
 vertheless, heard of the excesses committed by the stu- 
 dents, having particular business in the before-mentioned 
 seat of the Muses, together with a strong aversion to en- 
 tering it, took his seat on the roof of the coach, and, being 
 engrossed with an idea of danger, said to the coachman, 
 who was a man of few words, 'I'ze been towld that the 
 young gentlemen at Cambridge be wild chaps.' 'You'll 
 see, 5 replied the coachman; 'and,' added the farmer, 'that 
 it be hardly safe to be among 'em.' 'You'll see,' again 
 replied the coachman. During the journey the farmer put 
 several other interrogatories to the coachman, which was 
 answered, as before, with 'You'll see!' When they had 
 arrived in the High Street of Cambridge, Mr. Knight had 
 a party of young men at his lodgings, who were sitting in 
 the first floor, with the windows all open, and a large Chi- 
 na bowl full of punch before them, which they had just 
 broached. The noise made by their singing and laughing, 
 attracting the notice and exciting the fears of the farmer, 
 he again, addressing his taciturn friend, the coachman, 
 (whilst passing close under the window,) said, with great 
 anxiety, 'Are we all safe, think ye?' when, before the mas- 
 ter of the whip had time to utter his favourite monosylla- 
 bles, 'You'll see,' bang came down, on the top of the 
 coach, bowl, punch, glasses, &c. to the amazement and 
 terror of the farmer, who was steeped in his own favourite 
 potation, 'There/ said coachee (who had escaped a wet- 
 ting,) 'I said as how you'd see!' " 
 
 I NOW LEAVE YOU TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS 
 YOU PLEASE. 
 
 When Gray produced his famous Ode for the installa- 
 tion of his patron, the late Duke of Grafton, a production, 
 it is observed, which would have been more admired, had 
 it "not been surpassed by his two masterpieces, the Bard, 
 and the Progress of Poetry," being possessed of a very ac- 
 
44 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 curate taste for music, which he had formed on the Italian 
 model, he weighed every note of the composer's music, (the 
 learned Cambridge professor, Dr. Randall,) with the most 
 critical exactness, and kept the composer in attendance 
 upon him, says Dyer, in his Supplement, for three months. 
 Gray was, indeed, a thorough disciple of the Italian school 
 of music, whilst the professor was an ardent admirer of 
 the sublime compositions of Handel, whose noise, it is 
 stated, Gray could not bear; but after the professor had 
 implicitly followed his views till he came to the chorus, 
 Gray exclaimed, "I have now done, and leave you to make 
 as much noise as you please." This fine composition is 
 still in MS. in the hands of the Doctor's son, Mr. Edward 
 Randall, of the town of Cambridge. 
 
 THE MAD PETER-HOUSE POET. 
 
 Gray was not the only modern poet of deserved celebri- 
 ty, which Peter-House had the honour to foster in her 
 cloisters. A late Fellow of that Society, named Kendal, 
 "a person of a wild and deranged state of mind/' says 
 Dyer, but, it must be confessed, with much method in his 
 madness, during his residence in Cambridge, "occasional- 
 ly poured out, extemporaneously, the most beautiful effu- 
 sions," but the paucity of the number preserved have al- 
 most left him without a name, though meriting a niche in 
 Fame's temple. I therefore venture to repeat the follow- 
 ing, with his name, that his genius may live with it:— 
 
 The town have found out different ways, 
 
 To praise its different Lears: 
 To Barry it gives loud huzzas, 
 
 To Garrick only tears. 
 
 He afterwards added this exquisite effusion: — 
 
 A king, — aye, every inch a king, — 
 
 Such Barry doth appear; 
 But Garrick's quite another thing, 
 
 He's every inch King Lear. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 45 
 
 THE GRACE CUP OF PEMBROKE-HALL, CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 An ancient cup of silver gilt is preserved by this socie- 
 ty, which was given to them by the noble foundress of 
 their college, Lady Mary de St. Paul, daughter of Guy 
 de Castillon, Earl of St. Paul, in France, and widow of 
 Audomar de Valentia, Earl of Pembroke, who is said to 
 have been killed in a tournament, held in France, in 1323, 
 in honour of their wedding day, — an accident, says Fuller, 
 by which she was "a maid, a wife, and a widow, in one 
 day." Lysons in his second volume, has given an en- 
 graved delineation of this venerable goblet; the foot of 
 which, says Cole, in the forty-second volume of his MSS. 
 "stands on a large circle, whose upper rim is neatly orna- 
 mented with small fleurs de lis, in open work, and looks 
 very like an ancient coronet." On a large rim, about the 
 middle of the cup, is a very ancient embossed inscription; 
 which, says the same authority, in 1773, "not a soul in 
 the College could read, and the tradition of it was forgot- 
 ten;" but he supposes it to run: — 
 
 Sayn Denis yt es me derefor Ms lof drenk and mak gud cher. 
 The other inscription is short, and has an M. and V. above 
 the circle; "which," adds Cole, "I take to mean, God 
 help at need Mary de Valentia." At the bottom of the 
 inside of the cup is an embossed letter M. This he does 
 not comprehend; but says it may possibly stand for Me- 
 mentote. "Dining in Pembroke College Hall, New Year's 
 Day, 1773," he adds, "the grace cup of silver gilt, the 
 founder's gift to her college, was produced at the close of 
 dinner, when, being full of sweet wine, the old custom is 
 here, as in most other colleges, for the Master, at the head 
 of the long table, to rise, and, standing on his feet, to drink, 
 Inpiam memoriam (Fundatricis,) to his neighbour on his 
 right hand, who is also to be standing. When the Master 
 has drunk, he delivers the cup to him he drank to, and sits 
 down; and the other, having the cup, drinks to his oppo- 
 site neighbour, who stands up while the other is drinking; 
 and thus alternately till it has gone quite through the com- 
 pany, tw r o always standing at a time. It is of no large ca- 
 pacity, and is often replenished." 
 
 This is not unlike 
 
46 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 THE TERTIAVIT 
 
 of the Mertonians, as they call it (says Mr. Pointer,) from 
 a barbarous Latin word derived from Tertius, because 
 there are always three standing at a time. The custom, 
 he says, is a loyal one, and arises from their drinking the 
 King and Queen's health standing (at dinner) on some ex- 
 traordinary days (called Gaudies, from the Latin word 
 Gaudeo, to rejoice,) to show their loyalty. There are al- 
 ways three standing at a time, the first not sitting down 
 again till the second has drank to a third man. The same 
 loyal custom, under difte rent forms, prevails in all colleges 
 in both Universities. At the Inns of Court, also, in Lon- 
 don, the King's health is drunk every term, on what is 
 called Grand Day, all members present, big- wig and stu- 
 dent, having filled "a bumper of sparkling wine," rise 
 simultaneously, and drink "The King,'* supernaculum, 
 of course. 
 
 A MORE CAPACIOUS BOWL 
 
 Than the foregoing is in the possession of the Society of 
 Jesus College, Oxford, says Chalmers, the gift of the hos- 
 pitable Sir Watkins Williams Wynne, grandfather to the 
 present baronet. It will contain ten gallons, and weighs 
 278 ounces: how or when it is used, this deponent sayetli 
 not. Queen's College, Oxon, says Mr. Pointer, has its — 
 
 HORN OF DIVERSION, 
 
 So called because it never fails to afford funnery. It is 
 kept in the buttery, is occasionally presented to persons to 
 drink out of, and is so contrived, that by lifting it up to 
 the mouth too hastily, the air gets in and suddenly forces 
 too great a quantity of the liquid, as if thrown into the 
 drinker's face, to his great surprise and the delight of the 
 standers by. Malta cadunt inter calicem supremaque la- 
 bra. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 47 
 
 ANOTHER BIBULOUS RELICXUE 
 
 Was the famous chalice, found in one of the hands of the 
 founder of Merton College, Oxford, the celebrated Walter 
 de Merton, Bishop of Rochester and Chancellor of Eng- 
 land, upon the opening of his grave in 1659, says Wood, 
 on the authority of Mr. Leonard Yate, Fellow of Merton. 
 It held more than a quarter of a pint; and the Warden and 
 Fellows caused it to be sent to the College, to be put into 
 their cistajocalium; but the Fellows, in their zeal, some- 
 times drinking out of it, "this, then, so valued relic was 
 broken and destroyed." 
 
 A LAUDABLE AND CHRISTIAN CUSTOM, 
 
 In Merton College, says Pointer, in his Oxoniejisis Acade- 
 mia, &c. "is their meeting together in the Hall on Christ- 
 mas Eve, and other solemn times, to sing a Psalm, and 
 drink a Grace Cup to one another, (called Poculum Chari- 
 tatis) wishing one another health and happiness. These 
 Grace Cups," he adds, "they drink to one another every 
 day after dinner and supper, wishing one another peace and 
 good neighbourhood." This conclusion reminds us of the 
 Following anecdote: — 
 
 A learned Cambridge mathematician, now holding a dis- 
 tinguished post at the Naval College, Portsmouth, after 
 discussing one day, with a party of Johnians, the proprie- 
 ty of the Dies Festse, solar, siderial, &c, drily observed, 
 putting a bumper to his lips, "I think we should have 
 jovial days as well." Every College in both Universities 
 has the next best thing to it, — 
 
 THEIR FEAST DAYS, 
 
 "In piam memoriam" of their several founders, most of 
 whom being persons of taste, left certain annual sums 
 wherewith to "pay the piper." Besides minor feast-days, 
 every Society, both at Oxford and Cambridge, hold its 
 yearly commemoration. There is always prayers and a 
 sermon on this day, and the Lesson is taken from Eccl. 
 
48 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 xliv. "Let us now praise famous men," &c. Mr. Pointer 
 says, that at Magdalen College, Oxford, it is "a custom on 
 all commemoration days to have the bells rung in a con- 
 fused manner, and without any order, it being the primi- 
 tive way of ringing. " The same writer states that there is 
 
 A MUSICAL MAY-DAY COMMEMORATION, 
 
 Annually celebrated by this Society, which consists of a 
 concert of music on the top of the Tower, in honour of its 
 founder, Henry VII. It was originally a mass, but since 
 the Reformation, it has been "a merry concert of both 
 vocal and instrumental music, consisting of several merry 
 ketches, and lasts almost two hours (beginning as early as 
 four o'clock in the morning,) and is concluded with ring- 
 ing the bells. The performers have a breakfast for their 
 pains. They have likewise singing early on Christmas 
 morning. The custom is similar to one observed at Man- 
 heim, in Germany, and throughout the palatinate. 
 
 Whoever was the author of the following admirable pro- 
 duction, he was certainly not vo^-less, and it will "hardly 
 be read with dry lips, or mouths that do not water," says 
 the author of the Gradus ad Cant. 
 
 ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST DAY. 
 
 Hark! heard ye not yon footsteps dread, 
 That shook the hall with thund'ring tread? 
 With eager haste 
 The Fellows pass'd, 
 Each, intent on direful work, 
 High lifts his mighty blade, and points his deadly fork. 
 
 II. 
 
 But, hark! the portals sound, and pacing forth, 
 
 With steps, alas! too slow, 
 The College Gypts, of high illustrious worth, ' 
 With all the dishes, in long order go. 
 In the midst a form divine, 
 Appears the fam'd sir-loin; 
 And soon, with plums and glory crown'd 
 Almighty pudding sheds its sweets around. 
 
KUTI TO CRACK. 49 
 
 Heard ye the din of dinner brayl 
 
 Knife to fork, and fork to knife, 
 
 Unnumber'd heroes, in the glorious strife, 
 Through fish, flesh, pies, and puddings, cut their destin'd way. 
 
 III. 
 
 See beneath the mighty blade, 
 
 Gor'd with many a ghastly wound, 
 Low the famed sir-loin is laid, 
 
 And sinks in many a gulf profound. 
 Arise, arise, ye sons of glory, 
 Pies and puddings stand before ye; 
 See the ghost of hungry bellies, 
 Points at yonder stand of jellies; 
 While such dainties are beside ye, 
 Snatch the goods the gods provide ye; 
 Mighty rulers of this state. 
 Snatch before it is too late; 
 For, swift as thought, the puddings, jellies, pies. 
 Contract their giant bulks, and shrink to pigmy size. 
 
 IV. 
 
 From the table now retreating, 
 
 All around the fire they meet, 
 And, wiih wine, the sons'of eating, 
 
 Crown at length the mighty treat: 
 Triumphant plenty's rosy traces 
 Sparkle in their jolly faces; 
 And mirth and cheerfulness are seen 
 In each countenance serene. 
 
 Fill high the sparkling glass. 
 And drink the accustomed toast; 
 Drink deep, ye mighty host, 
 
 And let the bottle pass. 
 Begin, begin the jovial strain; 
 
 Fill, fill the mystic bowl; 
 And drink, and drink, and drink again; 
 
 For drinking fires the soul. 
 But soon, too soon, with one accord they reel; 
 
 Each on his seat begins to nod; 
 All conquering Bacchus' pow'r they feel, 
 
 And pour libations to the jolly gcd. 
 At length, with dinner, and with wine oppress'd, 
 Down in their chairs they sink, and give themselves to r< 
 
 SIR ROBERT WALPOLE AT CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 Sir Robert Walpole, the celebrated minister, was bred 
 : Eton and King's College, Cambridge. At the first he 
 
50 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 raised great expectations as a boy, and when the master 
 was told that St. John, afterwards Lord Bolingbroke, had 
 with others, his scholars, distinguished themselves for their 
 eloquence, in the House of Commons, "I am impatient to 
 hear that Walpole has spoken," was his observation; "for 
 I feel convinced he will be a good orator." At King's 
 College his career was near being cut short by an attack 
 of the small-pox. He was then known as a fierce Whig, 
 and his physicians were Tories, one of whom, Dr. Brady, 
 said, "We must take care to save this young man, or we 
 shall be accused of having purposely neglected him, be- 
 cause he is so violent a Whig." After he was restored, 
 his spirit and disposition so pleased the same physician, 
 that he added, "this singular escape seems to be a sure pre- 
 diction that he is reserved for important purposes," which 
 Walpole remembered with complacency. 
 
 Dr. Lamb, the present master of Corpus Christi, Cam- 
 bridge, in his edition of Master's History of that College, 
 gives the following copy of a bill, in the handwriting of 
 Dr. John Jegon, a former master, which may be taken as a 
 specimen of 
 
 A COLLEGE DINNER AT THE END OP THE SIX- 
 TEENTH CENTURY:— 
 
 "Visitors' Feast, August G, 1597, Eliz. 39." 
 
 "Imprimis, Butter and eggs ■ ■ • xiid. 
 
 "Linge xiid. 
 
 "Rootes buttered iid. 
 
 "A leg of mutton xiid. 
 
 "A Poulte Hid. 
 
 "A Pike xviiid. 
 
 "Buttered Maydes iiiid. 
 
 "Soles xiid. 
 
 "Hartichockes vid. 
 
 "Roast [b] eef viiid. 
 
 "Shrimps vid. 
 
 "Perches vid. 
 
 "Skaite vid. 
 
 "Custards xiid. 
 
 "Wine and Sugar xxd. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 51 
 
 'Condiments, vinegar, pepper ■ Hid. 
 
 * 'Money to the visitors • ■ ■ vis. viiid. 
 
 "Money to scholars and officers, 
 cooks, butler, register, Trini- 
 tiehall school iiiis. viiirf. 
 
 ' : Item,Exceedingsof theschollers ■ xxd. 
 
 Summa, xxiiiis J.d. 
 
 "J. Jegon." 
 
 The same authority gives the following curious item as 
 occurring in 1620, during the mastership of the successor 
 of Dr. Jegon, Dr. Samuel Walsall, who was elected in 
 1618, under the head of 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE WINE. &c, CONSUMED AT A 
 COLLEGE AUDIT. 
 
 L s. d. 
 '•Imp. Tuesday night, a Pottle of Claret and a qt. of Sacke 2 6 
 'It. Wednesday, Jan. 31, a pound of sugar and a pound of 
 
 car ri ways 0211 
 
 M It Three ounces of Tobacco 046 
 
 '•It. Halfe an hundred apples and thirtie 16 
 
 :: Jt. A pottle of claret and a quart of sacke, Wednesday 
 
 dinner 026 
 
 "It. Two dousen of tobacco pipes 6 
 
 "It. Thursday dinner, two potties of sacke and three pottles 
 
 and a quart of claret 094 
 
 "It. Thursday supp. a pottle of sacke and three pottles of 
 
 claret 0G4 
 
 "It. Satterday diner, a pottle of claret and a quart • * 2 
 
 "Sum. tot. Z.l 14 7 
 
 4 'Hence it appears," observes Dr. L., "sack was Is. 2d. a 
 a quart, claret 8tf., and tobacco Is. 6d. an ounce. That is, 
 an ounce of tobacco was worth exactly four pints and a 
 half of claret." Oxford, more than Cambridge, observed, 
 and still observes, manv singular customs. Amongst others 
 recorded in Mr. Pointer's curious book, is the now obso- 
 lete and very ancient one at Merton College, called 
 
 THE BLACK-NIGHT. 
 Formerly the Dean of the college kept the Bachelor- 
 
52 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 fellows at disputations in the hall, sometimes till late at 
 night, and then to give them a black-night (as they called 
 it;) the reason of which was this: — "Among many other 
 famous scholars of this college, there were two great logi- 
 cians, the one Johannes Duns Scotus, called Doctor Sub- 
 tilis, Fellow of the college, and father of the sect of the 
 Realists, and his scholar Gulielmus Occam, called Doctor 
 InvincibiliS) of the same house, and father of the sect of the 
 Nomenalists; betwixt whom there falling out a hot dispute 
 one disputation night, Scotus being the Dean of the col- 
 lege, and Occam (a Bachelor-fellow therein,) though the 
 latter got the better on't, yet being but an inferior, at part- 
 ing submitted himself, with the rest of the Bachelors, to 
 the Dean in this form, Domine, quid faciemus? (i. e. Sir, 
 what is your pleasure?) as it were begging punishment for 
 their boldness in arguing; to whom Scotus returned this 
 answer, Ite etfacite quid vultis (i. e. Begone, and do as you 
 please.) Hereupon away they went and broke open the 
 buttery and kitchen doors, and plundered all the provi- 
 sions they could lay hands on; called all their companions 
 out of their beds, and made a merry bout on't all night. 
 This gave occasion for observing the same diversion several 
 times afterwards, whenever the Dean kept the Bachelor- 
 fellows at disputation till twelve o'clock at night. The 
 last black-night was about 1686." 
 
 THE FORCE OF IMAGINATION. 
 
 A learned Cantab, who was so deaf as to be obliged to 
 use an ear trumpet, having taken his departure from Trini- 
 ty College, of which he was lately a fellow, mounted on his 
 well-fed Rosinantefor the purpose of visiting a friend, fell 
 in with an acquaintance by the way side, with whom he 
 was induced to dine, and evening was setting in ere he 
 pushed forward for his original destination. Warm with 
 T. B., he had not gone far ere he let fall the reins on the 
 neck of his pegasus, which took its own course till he was 
 suddenly roused by its coming to a stand-still where four 
 cross roads met, in a part of the country to which he was an 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 3o 
 
 utter stranger. What added to the dilemma, the direc- 
 tion-post had been demolished. He luckily espied an old 
 farmer jogging homeward from market. "Hallo ! my man, 
 
 can you tell me the way to- ?" "Yes, to be sure I can. 
 
 You must go down hin-hinder lane, and cross yin-yinder 
 common on the left, then you'll see a hoi and a pightal and 
 
 the old mills, and " "Stop, stop, my gooci friend!" 
 
 exclaimed our Cantab; "you don't know I'm deaf," pull- 
 ing his ear-trumpet out of his pocket as he spoke: this the 
 farmer no sooner got a glimpse of, than, taking it for a pistol 
 or blunderbuss, and its owner for a highwayman, he 
 clapped spurs to his horse, and galloped off at full speed, 
 roaring out for mercy as our Cantab bawled for him to 
 stop, the muzzle of his horse nosing the tail of the farmer's, 
 till they came to an opening in a wood by the road side, 
 through which the latter vanished, leaving the Cantab 
 solus, after a chase of some miles, — and upon inquiry at a 
 cottage, he learnt he was still ten or twelve from the place 
 of his destination, little short of the original distance he had 
 to ride when he first started from Cambridge in the morn- 
 ing. This anecdote reminds me of two Oxonians of con- 
 siderable celebrity, learning, and singular manners. One 
 was the late amiable organist of Dulwich College, the Rev. 
 Onias Linley,son of Mr. Linley, of Drury-lane and musical 
 celebrity: he was consequently brother of Mrs. R. B. Sheri- 
 dan. He was bred at Winchester and New College, and 
 was remarkable, when a minor canon at Norwich, in Nor- 
 folk, for 
 
 HIS ABSENT HABITS, 
 
 And the ridiculous light in which they placed him, and for 
 carrying a huge snuff-box in one hand, which he constant- 
 ly kept twirling with the other between his finger and 
 thumb. He once attended a ball at the public assembly 
 rooms, when, having occasion to visit the temple of Cloaci- 
 na, he unconsciously walked back into the midst of the 
 crowd of beauties present, with a certain coverlid under 
 his arm, in lieu of his opera hat; nor was he aware of the 
 exchange he had made till a friend gave him a gentle hint. 
 He occasionally rode a short distance into the country to 
 d2 
 
54 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 do duty on a Sunday, when he used compassionately to re- 
 lieve his steed by alighting and walking on, with the horse 
 following, and the bridle on his arm. Upon such occa- 
 sions he frequently fell into what is called "a brown study," 
 and arrived at his destination dragging the bridle after 
 him, minus the horse, which had stopped by the way to 
 crop grass. He was one day met on the road so circum- 
 stanced, and reminded of the fact by a gentleman who 
 knew him. "Bless me," said he, with the most perfect 
 composure, "the horse was with me when I sat out. I 
 must go back to seek him." And back he went a mile or 
 two, when he found his steed grazing by the way, bridled 
 him afresh, and reached his church an hour later than usual, 
 much to the chagrin of his congregation. The late Dr. 
 Adams, one of the first who went out to Demerara after the 
 established clergy were appointed testations and parishes in 
 the West Indies by authority, was a man of habits very 
 similar to those of Mr. Linley, and very similar anecdotes 
 are recorded of him, and his oddities are said to have caus- 
 ed some mirth to his sable followers. He died in about a 
 year or two, much regretted notwithstanding. 
 
 THE EARLY POETS BRED IN THE HALLS OP 
 GRANTA, 
 
 c < Semper — pauperimus esse," were nearly all blest with 
 none or a slender competence. But what they wanted in 
 wealth was amply supplied in wit. . Spenser, Lee, Otway, 
 Ben Johnson, and his son Randolph, Milton, Cowley, Dry- 
 den, Prior, and Kit Smart, poets as they were, had fared 
 but so so, had they lived by poesy only — and who ever 
 dreamed of caring ought for their posterity. 
 
 Spenser was matriculated a member of Pembroke Col- 
 lege, Cambridge, the 20th of May, 1569, at the age of six- 
 teen, at which early period he is supposed to have been under 
 his "sweet fit of poesy," and soon after formed the design of 
 his great poem, the Faery Queene, stanzas of which, it is 
 said, on very good authority, were lately discovered on the 
 removal of some of the old wainscoting of the room in which 
 he kept in Pembroke College. He took B. A. 1573, and 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 
 
 M. A. 15T6, without succeeding to fellowship, died in 
 :nt of bread, 1599, and was buried in Westminster Ab- 
 bey, according to his request, near Chaucer. Camden 
 says of him — 
 
 "Anglica, te vivo, vixit plautisque poesis, 
 Nunc moritura, timet, te moriente, mori!" 
 
 In the common place-book of Edward, Earl of Oxford 
 and Mortimer, preserved amongst the MSS. of the British 
 Museum, is the memoranda: — "Lord Carteret told me, 
 that when he was Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, a man of 
 the name of Spenser, immediately descended from our il- 
 lustrious poet, came to be examined before the Lord Chief 
 Justice, as a witness in a cause, and that he was so entirely 
 ignorant of the English language, that they were forced to 
 have an interpreter for him. " But I have no intention to 
 give my readers the blues. "Nat. Lee" w r as a Trinity 
 man, and was, as the folk say, "as poor as a church mouse" 
 during his short life, four years of which he passed in 
 Bedlam. An envious scribe one day there saw him, and 
 mocked his calamity by asking, "If it was not easy to write 
 like a madman?" "No, Sir," said he; "but it is 
 
 VERY EASY' TO WRITE LIKE A FOOL." 
 
 Otway was bred at St. John's College, Cambridge. 
 But though his tragedies are still received with "tears of 
 approbation," he lived in penury, and died in extreme 
 misery, choked, it is said, by a morsel of bread given him 
 to relieve his hunger, the 14th of April, 1685. Ben Jonson, 
 "Rare Ben," also "finished his education" at St. John's, 
 nor did I ever tread the mazes of its pleasant walks, but 
 imagination pictured him and his gifted contemporaries and 
 successors, from the time of the minstrel of Arcadia to the 
 days of Kirke White, 
 
 In dalliance with the nine in ev'ry nook. 
 A conning nature from her own sweet book. 
 
 But Ben, though "the greatest dramatic poet of his age," 
 after he left Cambridge, "worked with a trowel at the 
 building of Lincoln's Inn," and died poor in everything 
 
56 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 but fame, in 1637. Ben, however, contrived to keep nearly 
 as many "jovial days" in a year, as there are saints in the 
 Roman calendar, and at a set time held a club at the same 
 Devil Tavern, near Temple-bar, to which the celebrated 
 Cambridge professor, and reformer of our church music, 
 Dr. Maurice Greene, adjourned his concert upon his quar- 
 rel with Handel, which made the latter say of him with his 
 natural dry humour, "Toctor Creene was gone to detaviV 
 There Ben and his boon companions were still extant, when 
 Tom Randolph (author of "The Muses' Looking-Ulass," 
 &c.,) a student of Trinity College, Cambridge, had ven- 
 tured on a visit to London, where, it is said, he stayed so 
 long, that he had already had a parley with his empty purse, 
 when their fame made him long to see Ben and his associ- 
 ates. He accordingly, as Handel would have said, vent 
 to de tavil, at their accustomed time of meeting; but being 
 unknown to them, and without money, he was peeping in- 
 to the room where they sat, when he was espied by Ben, 
 who seeing him in a scholar's thread-bare habit, cried out 
 "John Bo-peep, come in." He entered accordingly, and 
 they, not knowing the wit of their guest, began to rhyme 
 upon the meanness of his clothes, asking him if he could 
 not make a verse, and, withal, to call for his quart of sack* 
 There being but four, he thus addressed them: — 
 
 "I, John Bo-peep, to you four sheep, 
 
 With each one his good fleece, 
 If that you are willing to give me five shilling, 
 
 J Tis fifteen pence a-piece." 
 
 "By Jesus," exclaimed Ben (his usual oath,) "I believe this 
 is my son Randolph!" which being confessed, he w r as 
 kindly entertained, and Ben ever after called him his son, 
 and, on account of his learning, gaiety, and humour, and 
 readiness of repartee, esteemed him equal to Cartwright. 
 He also grew in favour with the wits and poets of the 
 metropolis, but was cut off, some say of intemperance, at 
 the age of twenty-nine. His brother was a member of 
 Christ Church, Oxford, and printed his works in 1638. 
 Amongst the Memorabilia Cantabrigise of Milton is the 
 fact, that his personal beauty obtained for him the soubri- 
 quet of 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 57 
 
 "THE LADY OF THE COLLEGE;" 
 
 And that he set a full value on his fine exterior, is evident 
 from the imperfect Greek lines, entitled, "In Effigie ejus 
 Sculptorem," in Warton's second edition of his Poems. 
 Some have supposed he had himself in view, iu his delinea- 
 tion of the person of Adam. Every body knows that his 
 "Paradise Lost'' brought him and his posterity less than 
 20/.: but every body does not know that there is a Latin 
 translation of it, in twelve books, in the Library of Trinity 
 College, Cambridge, in MS., the work of one Mr. Power, 
 a Fellow of that Society, who printed the First Book in 
 1691, and completed the rest at the Bermudas, where his 
 difficulties had obliged him to fly, and from whence it was 
 sent to Dr. Richard Bentley, to publish and pay his debts 
 with. However, in spite of his creditors, it still remains 
 in MS. The writer obtained, says Judge Hardinge, allud- 
 ing I suppose, to "the tempest of his mind and of his habits," 
 the soubriquet of the "JEolian Exile" There is also a 
 bust of Milton in the Library of Trinity College, and some 
 of his juvenile poems, &c, in his own hand-writing. Cow- 
 ley was bread at Trinity College. His bust, too, graces 
 its Library, and his portrait its Hall. 
 
 BOTH THESE ALUMNI, 
 
 When students, wrote Latin as well as English verses, and 
 the curious in such matters, on reference to this work, will 
 be amused by the difference of feeling with which their 
 Alma Mater inspired them. To Cowley the Bowers of 
 Granta and the Camus were the very seat of inspiration; 
 Milton thought no epithet too mean to express their charms: 
 yet, says Dyer, in his supplement, "it is difficult to con- 
 ceive a more brilliant example of youthful talent than Mil- 
 ton's Latin Poems of that period." Though they "are not 
 faultless, they render what was said of Gray applicable to 
 Milton — 
 
 'HE NEVER WAS A BOY.'" 
 
 His mulberry tree, more fortunate than either that of 
 Shakspeare, or the pear tree of his contemporary and patron, 
 
58 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Oliver Cromwell, is still shown in the Fellows' Garden of 
 Christ College, and still "bears abundance in fruit-time," 
 and near it is a drooping ash, planted by the present Mar- 
 quis of Bute, when a student of Christ College. 
 
 CROMWELL'S PEAR-TREE 
 
 I saw cut down, from the window of my sitting-room, in 
 Jesus-lane, Cambridge (which happened to overlook the 
 Fellows' Garden of Sidney College,) in March, 1833. 
 The tree is said to have been planted by Cromwell's own 
 hand, when a student at Sidney College, and, said the 
 Cambridge Chronicle of the 11th of the above month, it 
 seems not unlikely that the original stock was coeval 
 with the Protector. The tree consisted of five stems (at 
 the time it was cut down,) which rose directly from the 
 ground, and which had probably shot up after the main 
 trunk had been accidentally or intentionally destroyed. 
 Four of these stems had been dead for some years, and the 
 fifth was cut down, as stated above. "A section of it, at 
 eight feet from the ground, had 103 consecutive rings, in- 
 dicating as many years of growth for that part. If we add 
 a few more for the growth of the portion still lower down, 
 it brings us to a period within seventy years of the Restora- 
 tion; and it is by no means improbable that the original 
 trunk may have been at least seventy or eighty years old 
 before it was mutilated. The stumps of the five stems are 
 still left standing, the longest being eight feet high; and it 
 is intended to erect a rustic seat within the area they 
 embrace." 
 
 OTHER MEMORIALS OF CROMWELL 
 
 At Sidney College, are his bust, in the Master's Lodge, 
 and his portrait in the Library. The first was executed 
 by the celebrated Bernini, at the request of Ferdinand, 
 Grand Duke of Tuscany, from a plaster impression of the 
 face of Cromwell, taken soon after his death. It was ob- 
 tained by the late learned Cambridge Regius Professor of 
 Botany, Thomas Martyn, B. D., during his stay in Italy, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 59 
 
 and by him presented to the Society of Sidney College, of 
 which he was a fellow. Lord Cork said it bore "the strong- 
 est character of boldness, steadiness, sense, penetration, and 
 pride." The portrait is unique, drawn in crayons, by the 
 celebrated Cooper, and is said to be that from which he 
 painted his famous miniatures of the Protector. In the Col- 
 lege Register is a memorandum of Cromwell's admission to 
 the society, dated April 23, 1616, to which some one has 
 added his character, in Latin, in a different hand-writing, 
 and very severe terms. 
 
 DRYDEN CONFINED TO COLLEGE WALLS. 
 
 Dryden, whom some have styled "The True Father of 
 English Poetry," was fond of a college life, as especially 
 "favourable to the habits of a student." He was brejid at 
 Trinity College, Cambridge, where he resided seven years, 
 during which he is said never, like Milton and others, to 
 have "wooed the muses." What were his college habits 
 is not known. The only notice of him at Trinity (where 
 his bust and portrait are preserved, the first in the Library, 
 the second in the Hall,) whilst an undergraduate, is the 
 following entry in the College Register, made about two 
 years after his admission: — 'sJuly 19, 1 652. Agreed, then, 
 that Dryden be put out of Comons, for a fortnight at least, 
 and that he goe not out of the College during the time 
 aforesaid, excepting to Sermons, without express leave 
 from the Master or Vice-master (disobedience to whom 
 was his fault,) and that, at the end of the fortnight, he read 
 a confession of his crime in the Hall at the dinner-time, at 
 the three fellows' table." 
 
 His contemporary, Dennis the Critic, seems to have 
 been less fortunate at Cambridge. The author of the 
 "Biographia Dramatica" asserts that he was 
 
 EXPELLED FROM CAIUS COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 Which is denied by Dr. Kippis,in the "Biographia Britan- 
 nica," and "when Doctors disagree, who shall decide?" In 
 this case a third doctor steps in for the purpose, in the 
 
GO OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 person of the celebrated Master of Emmanuel College, Dr. 
 Richard Farmer, who, in a humorous letter, printed in the 
 European Magazine for 1794, says, on turning to the 
 Gesta Book of Caius College, under the head, <fc Sir Dennis 
 sent away," appears this entry: "March 4, 1680. At a 
 meeting of the Master and Fellows, Sir Dennis mulcted 
 3/.; his scholarship taken away, and he sent out of the col- 
 lege, for assaulting and wounding Sir Glenham with a 
 sword. " 
 
 PRIOR LAID OUT THE WALKS OF ST. JOHN'S 
 
 College, Cambridge, as I have been told, where he was 
 educated, and lived and died a Fellow. After he became 
 French Ambassador, and was distinguished by his sove- 
 reign, he was urged to resign his fellowship. His reply was 
 (probably not having much faith in the longevity of princes' 
 favours,) "Should 1 need it, it will always insure me a bit 
 of mutton and a clean shirt!" But it ought also to be 
 added, to his honour, that the celebrated Thomas Baker, 
 the antiquary, having been ejected from his fellowship in 
 the same college, for refusing to take the oaths to William 
 and Mary, Prior generously allowed him the proceeds of 
 his. 
 
 The same Cantab was once at the opera, where a con- 
 ceited French composer had taken his seat adjoining, and 
 being anxious that the audience should know he had written 
 the music, he annoyed our poet by humming every air so 
 audibly as to spoil the effect of the person's singing the part, 
 one of the greatest artistes of the day. Thus annoyed, 
 Prior ventured to hiss the singer. Every body was asto- 
 nished at the daring, he being a great and deserved favour- 
 ite. The composer hummed again, — again Prior hissed 
 the singer, who, enraged at the circumstance, demanded 
 "Why he was subject to such indignity?" "I want that 
 fellow to leave off humming," said Prior, pointing to the 
 composer, "that I may have the pleasure of hearing you 
 sing, Signor." 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 61 
 
 STUNG BY A B. 
 
 Dr. Thomas Plume, a former Archdeacon of Colchester, 
 was the munificent founder of the Cambridge Professor- 
 ship of Astronomy and Experimental Philosophy, which 
 (as in the case of the late Dr. Edward Daniel Clarke and 
 the present George Pryme, Esq. M.A.andM.P.) he was the 
 first to fill; but he was not as fortunate as the former, to fill 
 his chair with unparalleled success, — in fact, his lectures 
 were not quite the fashion. He was smarting under this 
 truth, when he one day met Dr. Pearcein the streets of Cam- 
 bridge, the Master of Jesus College, whom he addressed 
 with, "Doctor, they call my lectures Plum-B-ian, which 
 is very uncivil. I don't at all like it, Dr. Pearce." "I 
 suppose the B. stung you," rejoined the latter. Here we 
 may not inappropriately introduce a trifle, hit off between 
 Dr. Pearce and the woman who had the care of the Tem- 
 ple Gardens, when he was master there. It is a rule to 
 keep them close shut during divine service on Sundays; 
 but the Doctor being indisposed, and having no grounds 
 attached to his residence save the church-yard, wished to 
 seize the quiet hour for taking a little air and exercise. 
 He accordingly rung the garden bell, and Rachel made her 
 appearance; but she flatly told him she should not let him 
 in, as it was against the Benchers' orders. "But I am the 
 Master of the Temple," said Dr. P. "The more shame 
 for you," said Rachel, "you ought to set abetter example;" 
 and the Doctor retired dead beat. 
 
 A NEST OF SAXONISTS. 
 
 Queen's College, Oxford, was called "a nest of Saxon- 
 ists" towards the close of the sixteenth century, when 
 those learned antiquarians and Saxonists, Rawlinson and 
 Thwaites, flourished there. It is recorded of the latter, in 
 Nichols's Bovvyer, that he said, writing of the state of the 
 college, "We want Saxon Lexicons. I have fifteen young 
 students in that language, and but one Somner for them 
 all." Our Cambridge gossip, 
 
 E 
 
(52 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 COLE, RELATES A PLEASANT MISTAKE, 
 
 (taken notice of by Warton also in the first volume of his 
 History of English Poetry) of a brother Cantab's having 
 undertaken to translate the Scriptures into Welsh, and 
 rendering vials of wrath (meaning vessels — Rom. v. 8) by 
 the Welsh word Cry than, signifying crowds or fiddles. 
 "The Greek word being <?>/***?," he adds, "it is probable he 
 translated from the English only, where finding vials y he 
 mistook it for viols." The translator was Dr. Morgan, 
 who died Bishop of St. Asaph, in 1604. 
 
 MINDING THE ROAST. 
 
 Lord Nugent, on-dit, once called on an old college ac- 
 quaintance, then a country divine of great simplicity of 
 manners, at a time when his housekeeper was from home on 
 some errand, and he had undertaken to mind the roast. 
 This obliged him to invite his lordship into the kitchen, 
 that he might avoid the fate of King Alfred. Our dame's 
 stay exceeded the time anticipated, and the divine having 
 to bury a corpse, he begged Lord N. to take his turn at the 
 spit, which he accordingly did, till the housekeeper arrived 
 to relieve him. This anecdote reminds me of the fol- 
 lowing 
 
 SPECIMEN OF A COLLEGE EXERCISE, 
 
 By the Younger Bowyer, written at St. John's College, Cambridge, 
 November 29, 1719. 
 "Ne quicquam sapit, qui sibi ipsi non sapit." 
 A goodly parson once there was, 
 
 To 's maid would chatter Latin; 
 (For that he was. I think, an ass, 
 At least the rhyme comes pat in.) 
 
 One day the house to prayers were met. 
 
 With well united hearts; 
 Below, a goose was at the spit, 
 
 To feast their grosser parts. 
 
 The godly maid to prayers she came. 
 If truth the legends say, 
 
MTS TO CRACK. 
 
 To hear her master English lame. 
 Herself to sleep and pray. 
 
 The maid, to hear her worthy master 3 
 
 Left all alone her kitchen; 
 Hence happened much a worse disaster 
 
 Than if she'd let the bitch in. 
 
 While each breast burns with pious flame, 
 
 All hearts with ardours beat, 
 The eroose's breast did much the same 
 
 With too malicious heat. 
 
 The parson smelt the odours rise; 
 
 To ? s belly thoughts gave loose, 
 And plainly seemed to sympathise 
 
 With his twice-murdered goose. 
 
 He knew full well self-preservation 
 
 Bids piety retire, 
 Just as the salus of a nation 
 
 Lays obligation higher. 
 
 He stopped, and thus held forth his Clerum. 
 
 While him the maid did stare at, 
 Hoc faciendum; scd alterum 
 
 Non negligendum erat. 
 
 Parce tuum Vatum sceleris damnare" 
 
 TULIP-TIME. 
 
 Writing: of the death of a former Master of Magdalen 
 College, "whose whole delight was horses, dogs, sporting, 
 <Scc.," which, says Cole, happened on the first of Septem- 
 ber, the legal day for partridge- shooting to begin, "it put 
 me in mind of the late Dr. Walker, Vice-master of Trinity, 
 a great florist (and founder of the Botanical Garden at 
 Cambridge,) who, when told of a brother florist's death, 
 by shooting himself in the spring, immediately exclaimed, 
 'Good God! is it possible? Now, at the beginning of tulip- 
 time:"'* 
 
 THE COLLEGE BELL. 
 When Dr. Barrett, Prebend of St. Paul's, was a student 
 
64 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 at Peter-house, Cambridge, he happened to make one of a 
 party of collegians, where it was proposed that each gentle- 
 man should toast his favourite belle; when it came to his 
 turn, he facetiously gave "the college-bell!" 
 
 COLLEGE FUN. 
 
 "Previous to my attending Cambridge," says Henry 
 Angelo, in his Reminiscences, "one of my scholars (whom 
 I had taught at Westminster School,) at Trinity College, 
 engaged an Irish fencing-master, named Fitzpatrick," 
 more remarkable for his native humour than science, and 
 when he had taken too much of the cratnr, "was amusing 
 to the collegians, who had engaged him merely to keep up 
 their exercise." One day, during a bout, some wag placed 
 a bottle of his favourite "mountain dew" (whisky) on the 
 chimney-piece, which proved so attractive, "that as his sips 
 increased, so did the numerous hits he received, till the 
 first so far prevailed, aided by exertion and the heat of the 
 weather, that he lay, tandem, to all appearance dead." 
 To keep the fun up, he was stripped and laid out like a 
 corpse, with a shroud on, a coffin close to him, and four 
 candles placed on each side, ready to light on his recovery. 
 Thisjew de plaisanterie might have been serious; "however, 
 Master Push-carte took care not to push himself again in- 
 to the same place." 
 
 THE KING OF DENMARK AT CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 "When the late King of Denmark was in England, in 
 1763, when he visited Eton, &c, he is said to have made a 
 brief sojourn at Cambridge, where he was received with 
 "all the honours," and took up his abode (as is usual for 
 persons of his rank) in the lodge of the Master of Trinity. In 
 his majesty's establishments for learned purposes, as well 
 as throughout all Germany, &c, no provision is made for 
 lodging and otherwise providing for the comforts of stu- 
 dents, as in the two English universities; and when he sur- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 65 
 
 veved the principal court of Trinity, he is said to have had 
 so little notion of an English university, that he asked 
 " whether that court did not comprise the whole of the 
 university of Cambridge?" This royal anecdote reminds 
 me that his present gracious Majesty, 
 
 WILLIAM THE FOURTH, ANNOUNCED HIS 
 INTENTION TO VISIT CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 As in duty bound, upon his accession to the throne of 
 his ancestors, a loyal congratulatory address was voted 
 by the members of the University of Cambridge in full se- 
 nate. This was shortly afterwards presented to his Ma- 
 jesty at St. James's Palace by the then Vice-Chancellor, 
 Dr/George Thackery, D.D., Provost of King's College, 
 at the head of a large body of the heads of colleges, and 
 others, en robe. His majesty not only received it most 
 graciously, but with that truly English expression that 
 goes home to the bosom of every Briton, told Dr. Thacke- 
 ry he "should shortly take pot-luck with him in Cam- 
 bridge." The term, too, is worthy of particular notice, 
 since it expresses his Majesty's kind consideration for the 
 contents of the university chest, and the pockets of its 
 members. Oxford, it is well known, is still smarting un- 
 der the heavy charges incident upon the memorable visit 
 of his late Majesty, George the Fourth, in 1814, with the 
 Emperor Alexander and the King of Prussia and their 
 suites. It would be no drawback upon the popularity of 
 princes if they did take "pot-luck" with their subjects of- 
 tener than they do. Let there be no drawback upon hos- 
 pitality, but let the "feast of reason and the flow of soul" 
 suffice for the costly banquet. In olden times, our mo- 
 narchs took pot -luck both at Oxford, Cambridge, and else- 
 where, without their subjects being the less loyal. Queen 
 Elizabeth and James the First and Second were frequent 
 visiters at both those seats of learning. Elizabeth, indeed, 
 that flower of British monarchs, suffered no designing mi- 
 nister to shake her confidence in her people's loyalty. She 
 did not confine her movements to the dull routine of two 
 or three royal palaces, — her palace was her empire. She 
 went about "doing good" by the light of her countenance. 
 e 2 
 
66 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 She, and not her minister, was the people- s idol. I there- 
 fore come to the conclusion, that the expressed determina- 
 tion of his majesty, William the Fourth, to take pot-luck 
 with his good people of the University of Cambridge, is 
 the dawn of a return of those wholesome practices of which 
 we read in the works of our annalists, when 
 
 11 'Twas merry in the hall, 
 And their beards wagged all." 
 
 Wood relates, amongst other humorous incidents, that 
 
 DURING aUEEN ELIZABETH'S SECOND VISIT TO 
 OXFORD, 
 
 In September, 1592, besides plays, &c, there was a dis- 
 putation in law and physic, and, amongst many questions, 
 was one, — "Whether the air, or meat, or drink, did most 
 change a man?" and a merry Doctor of that faculty, nam- 
 ed Richard RatclifFe, lately Fellow of Merton College, but 
 now Principal of St. Alban's Hall, going about to produce 
 the negative, showed forth a big, large bodv, a great fat 
 belly, a side waist, all, as he said, so changed by meat and 
 drink, desiring to see any other so metamorphosed by the 
 air. But it was concluded (by the Moderator) in the af- 
 firmative, that air had the greater power of change. One 
 of the questions (the next day) was, — "Whether it be law- 
 ful to dissemble in the cause of religion?' 9 written thus, 
 says Gutch, "Non est dissimulandum in causa religionis;" 
 "which being looked upon as a nice question," continues 
 Wood, "caused much attention from the courtly auditory. 
 One argument, more witty than solid, that was urged by 
 one of the opponents, was, 'It is lawful to dispute of reli- 
 gion, therefore 'tis lawful to dissemble;' and so going on, 
 said, 'I myself now do that which is lawful, but I do now 
 dissemble; ergo, it is lawful to dissemble. (Id quod nunc 
 ego, de rebus divinis disputans, ego dissimulare; sed quod 
 nunc ego, de rebus divinis disputam, ego dissimulare est 
 licitum; at which her majesty and all the auditory were 
 very merry." 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 67 
 
 WHEN aUEEN ELIZABETH FIRST VISITED 
 CAMBRIDGE, 
 
 In the year 1564, she took up her residence at the lodge 
 of the Provost of King's College, which stood near the east 
 end of King's Chapel. We well remember the old pile 
 and the solitary trees that branched beside; and much as 
 we admire the splendid improvements to which they have 
 given place, we could almost find it in our hearts to ex- 
 press regret at the removal of those landmarks of the to- 
 pographist. The hall was her guard-chamber, the dining- 
 room her presence-chamber, and the gallery and adjoining 
 rooms her private apartments. Her visit lasted five days, 
 during which she was entertained with comedies, trage- 
 dies, orations, disputations, and other academical exerci- 
 ses. She personally visited every college, and is said to 
 have been so pleased with the venerable, solemn, and scho- 
 lastic appearance of Pembroke Hail, that she saluted it 
 with the words — 
 
 "O Domus antiqua et religiosa!" 
 
 THE FIRST DISSENTER IN ENGLAND, 
 
 According to the author of Historical Anecdotes* &c. , was 
 Thomas Cartwright, B.D., Lady Margaret's Professor and 
 Fellow of Trinity College. He and Thomas Preston (af- 
 terwards Master of Trinity Hall,) says Fuller, during 
 Queen Elizabeth's visit at Cambridge, in 1564, were ap- 
 pointed two of the four disputants in the philosophy -act 
 before her Majesty. "Cartwright had dealt most with 
 the muses; Preston with the graces, adorning his learning 
 with comely carriage, graceful gesture, and pleasing pro- 
 nunciation. Cartwright disputed like a great* Preston 
 like a gentile scholar, being a handsome man; and the 
 Queen, upon a parity of deserts, always preferred proper - 
 ness of person in conferring her favours. Hereupon, with 
 her looks, words, and deeds she favoured Preston, calling 
 him her scholler, as appears by his epitaph in Trinity Hall 
 chappell. 
 
68 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 'Thomas Prestonje, Scholarem, 
 'Gluem dixit princeps Elizabetha suum,' &c. 
 
 Insomuch," continues Fuller, "that for his good disputing, 
 and excellent acting, in the tragedy of Dido, she bestowed 
 on him a pension of 20 lib, a year; whilst Cartwright re- 
 ceived neither reward nor commendation, whereof he not 
 only complained to his inward friends in Trinity College, 
 but also, after her Majesty's neglect of him, began to wade 
 into divers opinions against her ecclesiastical government. " 
 And thus, according to the authority first cited, he became 
 the first Dissenter in England, and was deprived, subse- 
 quently, as a matter of course, of both his fellowship and 
 professorship. 
 
 It was most probably for the entertainment of the Royal 
 Elizabeth, that one Thomas Still, M.A., of Christ's Col- 
 lege, Cambridge, afterwards Bishop of Bath and Wells, 
 composed and produced 
 
 THE FIRST ENGLISH PLAY EXTANT: 
 
 A fact no Cantab need blush at, proh pudor, though the 
 plot is none of the sublimest. It was printed as early as 
 1575, with the following 
 
 TITLE: 
 
 " A ryght pythy, pleasant, and merie Comedie, entytuled 
 Gammer Gurton's Needle; played on the stage not long 
 ago in Christe's College, in Cambridge, made by Mr. S. 
 Master of Arts. Imprynted at London, in Fleete Streeate, 
 beneth the Conduit, at the signe of Sainte John Evangelist, 
 by Thomas Col well. ,? Though altogether of a comic cast, 
 it was not deficient in genuine humour, and is a curious 
 sample of the simplicity which prevailed in this country, 
 in the early days of dramatic art. It is in metre, is spun 
 out into five regular acts, and an awful piece it is, as may 
 be seen by the following 
 
 BRIEF SKETCH OF THE PLOT. 
 
 Gammer Gurton having lost her needle, a great hunt is 
 made in search of it, and her boy is directed to blow the 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 69 
 
 embers of an expiring fire, in order to light a candle to help 
 the search. The witch of a cat has, in the meantime, got 
 into the chimney, with her two fiery eyes. The boy cries, 
 "it is the devil of a fire !" for when he puffs, it is out, — and 
 when he does not, it is in. "Stir it!" bawls Gammer 
 Gurton. The boy does her bidding, and the cat (the jire 
 as he imagines) flies forthwith amongst a pile of wood. 
 "The house will be burnt, all hands to work!" roars the 
 boy, and the cat is discovered by a priest (more cunning 
 than the rest.) This ends the episode, with which the main 
 plot and catastrophe vie. Gammer Gurton, it seems, had, 
 the day before, been mending her man Hodge's breeches. 
 Now Hodge, in some game of merriment, was to be punish- 
 ed, for some default, with three slaps on the breech, to be 
 administered by the brawny hand of one of his fellow- 
 bumpkins. To that end, his head is laid in Gammer Gur- 
 ton's lap; the first slap is given, Hodge bellows out with 
 pain, and, oh ! joyful announcement, on searching for the 
 cause of his affliction, the needle is discovered, buried up 
 to the eye in poor Hodge's posterior portion. The needle 
 is then extracted with becoming demonstrations, and the 
 curtain falls. 
 
 Amongst other interesting matters associated with the 
 memory of Queen Elizabeth (beside that of her having 
 given Cambridge that admirable body of statutes upon 
 which all laws for their governance still continue to be 
 framed,) are the following memoranda, extracted by Dyer 
 from Baker's MSS. in the public library of the Univer- 
 sity:— 
 
 "The 26th daye of Julie, 1578, the Queene's Majestie 
 came in her progresse intended to Norfolk, to Audlev End, 
 at the town of Waldren, accompanied by the Lorde 
 Treasurer, High Chancellor of the University of Cam- 
 bridge. The Vice Chancellor and Masters of Colleges 
 thoughte meete and convenient for the dischardge of dutie, 
 that the said Vice-Chancellor and Hedds of Coll. should 
 shewe themselves of the Courte, and welcome her Grace 
 into these quarters." About the end of his oration, the 
 orator (Mr. Bridgewater of King's College) makes men- 
 tion, that "Mr. Doctor Howland, then vice-chancellor, 
 
70 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 maketh his three ordinarie curtesies, and then kneeling at 
 her Majesty's feete, presenting unto her— 
 
 A NEWE TESTAMENT IN GREEK, 
 
 Of Robert Stephens's first printing, folio, bound in redd 
 velvett, and lymmed with gold; the arms of England sett 
 upon eche syde of the booke very faire; and on the thirde 
 leafe of the booke, being faire and cleane paper, was also 
 sett and painted in colours the arms of the Universitie, with 
 these writings following: — Regiae Majestati deditissimae 
 Academiae Cantabrigiensis Insignia (viz. quatuor Leones 
 cum Bibl. &c.) Also, with the booke, the Vice-Chancel- 
 lor presented a pair of gloves, perfumed and garnished, 
 with embroiderie and goldsmithe's wourke, pr. 60s. and 
 these verses : — 
 
 "SEMPER UNA. 
 
 "Una quod es semper, quod semper es optima, Princeps, 
 
 Q.uam bene conveniunt hsec duo verba tibi? 
 duod pia, quod prudens, quod casta, innuba virgo 
 Semper es, hoc etiam semper es una modo. 
 
 "Et populum quod ames, populo quod amata vicissim 
 Semper es, hie constans semper et una manes, 
 
 O utinam; quoniam sic semper es una, liceret 
 Una te nobis semper, Eliza, frur]" 
 
 Since Cambridge has the merit of producing the first 
 English play, it is but justice here to add, that 
 
 THE SCHOLARS OF CHRIST CHURCH, OXFORD, 
 INVENTED MOVEABLE SCENES. 
 
 This merit is claimed for them by the Oxford historians, 
 and allowed by the historians of the stage, though they 
 have not agreed of the exact period. We are informed, 
 in Leland's Collectanea, that "the stage did vary three 
 times in the acting of one tragedy." In other words, 
 there were three scenes employed; but these, it is said by 
 Chalmers, in his History of Oxford University, were the 
 invention of Inigo Jones; and the exhibition, it appears, 
 took place in the Hall of Christ Church, in 1636, (the 
 year Wood places the invention in,) for the entertainment 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 71 
 
 of the unfortunate Charles the First and his Queen, when, 
 says our annalist, a comedy was performed for their amuse- 
 ment, entitled, "The Passions Calmed, or the Settling of 
 the Floating," written by Strode, the Public Orator, and 
 moveable scenery introduced with suitable variations; and 
 though there is pretty conclusive evidence that this was 
 not the first time moveable scenes, &c. had been introduc- 
 ed, it is evident they had not come into general use, from 
 the fact that, after the departure of the King and his suite, 
 the dresses and scenery were sent to Hampton Court, at 
 the express desire of the Queen, but with a wish, suggest- 
 ed by the Chancellor of Oxford, the ill-fated Archbishop 
 Laud, that they might not come into the hands of the com- 
 mon players, which was accordingly promised. Leland 
 thinks, however, that moveable scenes were better manag- 
 ed, before this, at Cambridge; and I know not, he says, 
 whether the invention may not be carried back to the year 
 1583, when the celebrated Polish prince, Alesco, was at 
 Oxford, and for whose entertainment, says Wood (who 
 gives an interesting account of all the particulars of that 
 famous Oxford gaudy,) the tragedy of Dido was acted in 
 the Hall of Christ Church, decorated with scenes illustra- 
 tive of the play, and the exhibition of "the tempest, where- 
 in it rained small comfits, rose-water, and new artificial 
 snow, was very strange to the beholders." But other 
 authorities place the invention in 1605, when 
 
 JAMES THE FIRST AND HIS COURT CAME TO 
 OXFORD, 
 
 And was entertained in the Hall of Christ Church, "with 
 the Latin comedy of Vertumnus, written by Dr. Matthew 
 Gwinne, of St. John's College, Oxford, and performed by 
 the students of that house, without borrowing a single ac- 
 tor; and it was upon this occasion that the humming of 
 his Majesty took place, referred to in my Preface. In 
 1621, when James and his court happened to be at Wood- 
 stock, the scholars of Christ Church enacted Barton Ho- 
 liday's comedy of T^vc^^/a, or the Marriage of the Arts: 
 but his Majesty relished it so little, as to offer several 
 times to withdraw, and was only prevented by some of his 
 
72 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 courtiers representing that his doing so would be a cruel 
 disappointment. This incident gave rise to the well-known 
 epigram — 
 
 "At Christ-Church marriage, done before the king, 
 Lest that those mates should want an offering, 
 The king himself did offer — what, I prayl 
 He offered twice or thrice to go away." 
 
 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE SEEMED RIVALS 
 
 At this period. Wood states, in his Annals, that when 
 King James was entertained at Oxford, in 1605, divers 
 Cambridge scholars v/ent thither out of novelty, to see and 
 hear; and some that pretended to be wits made copies of 
 verses on that solemnity, of which, he says, I have met 
 with one that runs — 
 
 To Oxonforde the king is gone, 
 
 With all his mighty peers, 
 That hath in grace maintained us, 
 
 These four or five long years. 
 
 Such a king he hath been, 
 As the like was never seen: 
 Knights did ride by his side, 
 Evermore to be his guide: 
 A thousand knights, and forty thousand knights, 
 Knights of forty pounds a year. 
 
 which some attribute to one Lake. This example, he 
 adds, was followed by the Oxonians, when James visited 
 Cambridge in 1614, and "many idle songs" were made 
 by them upon the proceedings at Cambridge, the most cele- 
 brated of which is the one entitled, "A Grave Poem, as it 
 was presented in Latin by Divines and others, before his 
 Majesty at Cambridge, by way of Enterlude, stiled 'Li- 
 ber novus de adventu Regis ad Cantabrigiam,' faithfully 
 done into English, with some liberal advantage, made ra- 
 ther to be sung than red, to the tune of 'Bonny Nell,' " 
 which poem, says Wood, may be seen in the works of the 
 witty Bishop Corbet (by whom it was written,) "printed 
 in 1647." But in so saying our annalist not only lies un- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. * I 
 
 der a mistake, but Mr. Gutch, his editor, has not detected 
 it. The poem is not in the edition of 1647, but in that of 
 1672, which is the third, corrected and enlarged, and 
 "printed by J. C. for William Crooke, at the Green Dra- 
 goon, without Temple Bar;" as all may see who will con- 
 sult the said editions, both extant in the library of the Bri- 
 tish Museum. The poem is comprised in twenty-six stan- 
 zas, as follows: — 
 
 It is not yet a fortnight, since 
 Lutetia entertained our Prince, 
 And wasted both a studied toy, 
 As long as was the siege of Troy: 
 
 And spent herself for full five days 
 
 In speeches, exercise, and plays. 
 
 To trim the town, great care before 
 Was tane by th' Lord Vice- Chancellor, 
 Both morn and eve he cleared the way, 
 The streets he gravell'd thrice a day; 
 One stripe of March-dust for to see, 
 No Provost would give more than he. 
 
 Their colledges were new be-painted, 
 Their founders eke were new be-sainted; 
 Nothing escaped, nor post, nor door, 
 
 Nor gete. nor rail, nor b— - — d, nor wh : 
 
 You could not know (oh, strange mishap!) 
 Whether you saw the town or map. 
 
 But the pure house of Emanuel, 
 
 Would not be like proud Jesebel, 
 
 Nor shew herself before the king 
 
 An hypocrite, or painted thing: 
 
 But that the ways might all prove fair, 
 Conceiv'd a tedious mile of prayer. 
 
 Upon the look'd-for seventh of March, 
 
 Out went the townsmen all in starch, 
 
 Both band and bead into the field, 
 
 Where one a speech could hardly wield; 
 For needs he would begin his stile, 
 The king being from him half a mile. 
 
 They gave the king a piece of plate, 
 Which they hop'd never came too late; 
 And cry'd. Oh! look not in, great king, 
 For there is in it just nothing: 
 
 And so preferred with time and gate, 
 
 A speech as empty as their plate. 
 
74 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Now, as the king came near the town, 
 Each one ran crying up and down, 
 Alas, poor Oxford, thou'rt undone, 
 For now the king's past Tromyington, 
 
 And rides upon his brave grey Dapple, 
 Seeing the top of King's-Colledge chappel. 
 
 Next rode his lordship on a nag, 
 Whose coat was blue, whose ruff was shag, 
 And then began his reverence 
 To speak most eloquent non-sense: 
 
 See how (quoth he) most mighty prince, 
 For very joy my horse doth wince. 
 
 What cryes the town'? what we? (said he) 
 
 What cryes the University'? 
 
 What cryes the boyes'? what every thing? 
 
 Behold, behold, yon comes the king: 
 And every period he bedecks, 
 With En et Ecce venit Rex. 
 
 Oft have I warn'd (quoth he) our dirt, 
 That no silk stockings should be hurt; 
 But we in vain strive to be fine, 
 Unless your Grace's sun doth shine; 
 
 And with the beams of your bright eye, 
 You will be pleased our streets to dry. 
 
 Now come we to the wonderment, 
 Of Christendom, and eke of Kent, 
 The Trinity; which to surpass, 
 Doth Deck her spokesman by a glass: 
 Who, clad in gay and silken weeds, 
 Thus opes his mouth, hark how he speeds. 
 
 I wonder what your Grace doth here; 
 
 Who had expected been 12 year, 
 
 And this your son, fair Carolus, 
 
 That is so Jacobissimus; 
 
 There's none, of all your Grace refuses, 
 You are most welcome to our Muses. 
 
 Although we have no bells to jingle, 
 » Yet can we shew a fair quadrangle, 
 
 Which, though it ne'er was graced with king, 
 
 Yet sure it is a goodly thing: 
 
 My warning's short, no more I'll say, 
 Soon you shall see a gallant play. 
 
 But nothing was so much admired 
 As were their plays, so well attired; 
 Nothing did win more praise of mine, 
 
\ 
 
 NUTS TO CRACK. 75 
 
 Than did their Actors most divine: 
 
 So did they drink their healths divinely, 
 So did they skip and dance so finely. 
 
 Their plays had sundry grave wise factors, 
 A perfect diocess of Actors 
 Upon the stage; for I am sure that 
 There was both bishop, pastor, curat: 
 
 Nor was this labour light or small, 
 
 The charge of some was pastoral. 
 
 Our plays were certainly much worse, 
 
 For they had a brown hobby-horse, 
 
 Which did present unto his Grace 
 
 A wondrous witty ambling pace: 
 
 But we were chiefly spoyl'd by that 
 Which was six hours of God knows what, 
 
 His Lordship then was in a rage, 
 His Lordship lay upon ihe stage, 
 His Lordship cry'd, All would be marr'd: 
 His Lordship lov'd a-life the guard, 
 
 And did invite those mighty men, 
 
 To what think you? Even to a Hen. 
 
 He knew he was to use their might 
 
 To help to keep the door at night, 
 
 And well bestow'd he though his Hen, 
 
 That they might Tolebooth Oxford men. 
 He thought it did become a lord 
 To threaten with that bug-bear word. 
 
 Now pass we to the Civil Law, 
 
 And eke the doctors of the spaw, 
 
 Who all perform'd their parts so well, 
 
 Sir Edward Ratcliff bore the bell, * 
 
 Who was, by the king's own appointment, 
 To speak of Spells and Magic Ointment. 
 
 The Doctors of the Civil Law, 
 Urged ne'er a reason worth a straw; 
 And though they went in silk and satten, 
 They ThomsonAike clip'd the king's Latine; 
 
 But yet his Grace did pardon then 
 
 All treasons against Priscian. 
 
 Here no man spoke aught to the point, 
 But all they said was out of joint; 
 Just like the Chappel ominous, 
 In th' Colledge called God with us: 
 
 Which truly doth stand much awry, 
 
 Just north and south, yes verily. 
 
76 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Philosophers did well their parts, 
 Which proved them Masters of the Arts; 
 Their Moderator was no fool, 
 He far from Cambridge kept a school: 
 The country did such store afford, 
 The Proctors might not speak a word. 
 
 But to conclude, the king was pleased, 
 And of the court the town was eased: 
 But Oxford though (dear sister hark it) 
 The king is gone but to New-Market, 
 And comes again ere it be long, 
 Then you may sing another song. 
 
 The king being gone from Trinitie, 
 
 They make a scramble for degree; 
 
 Masters of all sorts and all ages, 
 
 Keepers, subsizers, lackayes, pages, 
 
 Who all did throng to come abroad, 
 With pray make me now, good my Lord. 
 
 They prest his lordship wondrous hard, 
 His lordship then did want the guard, 
 So did they throng him for the nonce, 
 Till he bless them all at once, 
 And cry'd Hodiissime: 
 Omnes Magistri estote. 
 
 Nor is this all which we do sing, 
 For of your praise the world must ring: 
 Reader, unto your tackling look, 
 For there is coming forth a book, 
 
 Will spoyl Joseph Berivesius 
 
 The sale of Rex Platonicus. 
 
 His Majesty was, as usual, entertained with speeches, 
 disputations, and dramatic exhibitions. Fuller relates, 
 that the following 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY DIVINITY ACT, 
 
 Or Disputation, was kept at Cambridge before this prince, 
 during this visit, where Dr. John Davenant (afterwards 
 Bishop of Sarum) was respondent, and Dr. Richardson, 
 amongst others, opponent. The question was maintained, 
 in the negative, concerning the excommunicating of kings. 
 Dr. Richardson vigorously pressed the practice of St. 
 Ambrose, who excommunicated the emperor Theodosius, 
 —insomuch, says Fuller, that the king, in a great passion, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. < * 
 
 returned, — "Profectofuit hoc ab Ambrosio insolentissime 
 factum." To which Dr. R. rejoined, — "Fcsponsum vere 
 Jiegium, et Mexandro (lignum, hoc non est argumenta 
 solvere, sed desecare," — and so, sitting down, discon- 
 tinued from any further argument. It was for the enter- 
 tainment of James during this visit, that 
 
 THE FAMOUS CAMBRIDGE LATIN COMEDY, 
 
 Entitled Ignoramus, was first enacted. It originated in 
 a dispute on the question of precedency, in 1611, when the 
 Mayor, whose name was Thomas Smart, had seated him- 
 self in a superior place in the Guildhall of the town, in the 
 presence of the Vice-Chancellor of the University, who 
 asserted his right to the same; but the Mayor refused to 
 resign the seat, till the Vice-Chancellor's attendants forci- 
 bly ejected him. The dispute was laid before the Privy 
 Council, who decided in favour of the Vice-Chancellor. 
 But during the progress of the affair, the Recorder of Cam- 
 bridge, named Brankyn, stoutly defended the Mayor and 
 Corporation against the rights of the University. This it 
 was that induced the author of the play, Geo. Ruggle, a 
 Fellow of Clare-Hall, to show him up, in the pedantic, 
 crafty, pragmatical character of Ignoramus; and if lawyer 
 Brankyn, it is said, had not actually set the dispute agoing, 
 he greatly contributed to keep it alive. At this time King 
 James had long been expected to visit Cambridge, who had 
 a strong prejudice against lawyers, and a ruling passion to 
 be thought the patron of literature. The circumstances 
 suggested to Ruggle the propriety of exposing lawyer 
 Brankyn before his Majesty, in the above character, and 
 to render it the more forcible, he resolved to adopt the 
 common-law forms, and the cant and barbarous phraseology 
 of lawyers in the ordinary discourse. It was, therefore, 
 necessary that he should make himself master of that 
 dialect, in which almost the best amongst them were ac- 
 customed to write and even to discourse; a jargon, savs 
 Wilson, in his Memorabilia Cantabrigise, could not but be 
 offensive to a classical ear. He, therefore, took more than 
 ordinary pains to acquaint himself with the technical terms 
 of the profession, and to mark the abuse of them, of which 
 f 2 
 
78 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 he has admirably availed himself in the formation of the 
 character of Ignoramus, who not only transacts business, 
 but "woosin language of the Pleas and Bench." The come- 
 dy was enacted before his Majesty by the members of the 
 University, and he was so much delighted with, on dit> 
 either the wit or absurdity, that he caused it to be played a 
 second time, and once at Newmarket. During one of these 
 representations, says Dr. Peckard, formerly Master of 
 Magdalen College, in his Life of Mr. Farrer, "the King 
 called outaloud, 'Treason! Treason! The gentlemen about 
 him being anxious to know what disturbed his Majesty, he 
 said, 'That the writer and performers had acted their parts 
 so well, that he should die of laughter.' " It was during the 
 performance of this play, according to Rapin and others, 
 that James was first struck with the personal beauty ot 
 George Villiers, who afterwards became Duke of Bucking- 
 ham, and supplanted Somerset in his favour. Thomas 
 Gibbons, Esq. says, in his Collection, forming part of the 
 Harleian MSS. in the British Museum, (No. 980, art. 173.) 
 that "the comedy of Ignoramus, supposed to be by Mr. 
 Ruggle, is but a translation of the Italian comedy of Bap- 
 tista Porta, entitled Trapulario, as may be seen by the 
 comedy itself, in Clare-hall Library, with Mr. Ruggle's 
 notes and alterations thereof." A literary relique that is 
 said to have now disappeared; but it is to be hoped, for the 
 credit of a learned Society, that it is a mistake. Dyer in his 
 Privileges of Cambridge (citing vol. ii. fol. 149 of Hare's 
 MSS. ) gives the judgment of the Earl Marshal of Eng- 
 land, which settled this famous controversy. The original 
 document is extant in the Crown Office, in these words: — 
 "I do set down, &c. that the Vice-Chancellor of Cambridge 
 is to be taken in commission before the Mayor. King 
 James, also, in the third of his raigne, by letters under the 
 privy signett, commandeth the Lord Ellesmere, Chancellor 
 of England, 
 
 TO PLACE THE VICE-CHANCELLOR BEFORE THE 
 MAYOR, 
 
 in all commissions of the peace or otherwise, where public 
 shew of degrees is to be made." 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 79 
 
 AN OXONIAN AND A BISHOP, 
 
 Who had half a score of the softer sex to lisp "Papa," not 
 one of whom his lady was conjuror enough "to get oft/' was 
 one day accosted in Piccadilly by an old Oxford churn, 
 with, "I hope I see your Lordship well." "Pretty well, 
 for a man who is daily smothered in petticoats, and has ten 
 daughters and a wife to carve for," was the reply. 
 
 BRIEF NOTICE OF THE BOAR'S HEAD CAROL, AS 
 SUNG IN aUEEN'S COLLEGE, OXFORD, ON CHRIST- 
 MAS DAY. 
 
 <4 The earliest collection of Christmas carols supposed to 
 have been published," says Hone, in his Every-Day Book, 
 "is only known from the last leaf of a volume, printed by 
 Wynkyn Worde, in the year 1521. This precious scrap 
 was picked up by Tom Hearne; Dr. Rawlinson purchased 
 it at his decease in a volume of tracts, and bequeathed it to 
 the Bodleian Library. There are two carols upon it: one, 
 'a carol 1 of huntynge,' is reprinted in the last edition of 
 Juliana Berner's 'Boke of St. Alban's;' the other, 'a caroll 
 bringing in the boar's head,' is in Mr. Dibdin's edition of 
 "Ames," with a copy of it as it is now sung in Queen's 
 College, Oxford, every Christmas Day. Dr. Bliss of Ox- 
 ford also printed on a sheet, for private distribution, a few 
 copies of this, and Anthony Wood's version of it, with no- 
 tices concerning the custom, from the handwriting of 
 Wood and Dr. Rawlinson, in the Bodleian Library. Rit- 
 son, in his ill-tempered 'Observations on Warton'sHistory 
 of English Poetry,' (1782, 4to., p. 37,) has a Christmas 
 carol upon bringing up the boar's head, from an ancient 
 MS. in his possession, wholly different from Dr. Bliss's. 
 The 'Bibliographical Miscellanies' (Oxford, 1814, 4to.) 
 contains seven carols from a collection in one volume, in 
 the possession of Dr. Cotton, of Christ-Church College, Ox- 
 ford, 'imprynted at London, in the Poultry, by Richard 
 Kele, dwelling at the longe shop vnder Saynt Myldrede's 
 Chyrche,"' probably between 1546 and 1552. "I had an 
 opportunity of perusing this exceedingly curious volume 
 
80 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 (Mr. Hone,) which is supposed to be unique, and has since 
 passed into the hands ot Mr. Freeling. " ic According to 
 Aubrey's MS., in the Coll. Ashmol. Mus., Oxford," says 
 a writer in the Morning Herald of the 25th of Dec, 1833, 
 "before the last Civil Wars, in gentlemen's houses, at 
 Christmas, the first dish that was brought to the table was 
 a boar's head, with a lemon in his mouth. At Qeeun's 
 College, Oxford," adds this writer, "they still retain this 
 custom; the bearer of it brings it into the hall, singing, to 
 an old tune, an old Latin rhyme, " Caput apri defero," &c. 
 "The carol, according to Hearne, Ames, Warton, and 
 Ritson," says Dr. Dibdin, in his edition of the second, is 
 as follows: — 
 
 A CAROL BRINGING IN THE BORES HEED. 
 
 Caput apri differo 
 
 Reddens laudes domino. 
 The bore's heed in hande bring I, 
 With garlands gay and rosemary, 
 I praye you all synge merely, 
 
 Ctui estis in convivio. 
 
 The bores heed I understande 
 Is the thefte servyce in this lande, 
 Take where ever it be fande, 
 
 Servite cum cantico. 
 
 Be gladde lordes bothe more and lasse, 
 For this hath ordeyned our stewarde, 
 To chere you all this Christmasse, 
 The bores heed with mustarde. 
 
 "This carol (says Warton,) with many alterations, is yet 
 retained at Queen's College, Oxford," though "other an- 
 cient carols occur with Latin burthens or Latin intermix- 
 tures." But, "Being anxious to obtain a correct copy of 
 this ballad," says Dr. Dibdin, in his Ames, " as I had 
 myself heard it sung in the Hall of Queen's College, I 
 wrote to the Rev. Mr. Dickinson, Tutor of the College, to 
 favour me with an account of it: his answer, which may 
 gratify the curious, is here subjoined. 
 
 "'Queen's College, June 7th, 1811. 
 " 'Dear Sir, — I have much pleasure in transmitting you 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 81 
 
 a copy of the old Boar's Head Song, as it has been sung 
 in our College-hall, every Christmas Day, within my re- 
 membrance. There are some barbarisms in it, which seem 
 to betoken its antiquity. It is sung to the common chaunt 
 of the prose version of the Psalms in cathedrals; at least, 
 whenever I have attended the service at Magdalen or New 
 College Chapels, I have heard the Boar's Head strain con- 
 tinually occurring in the Psalms. 
 
 " 'The boar's head in hand bring I, 
 Bedeck'd with bays and rosemary; 
 And I pray you, my masters, be meny, 
 Gtuot estis in convivio. 
 Caput apri defero 
 Reddens laudes Domino. 
 
 " 'The boar's head, as 1 understand, 
 Is the rarest dish in all this land, 
 Which thus bedeck'd with a gay garland, 
 Let us servire Cantico. 
 
 Caput apri defero 
 
 Reddens laudes Domino. 
 
 " 'Our steward hath provided this 
 In honour of the King of Bliss; 
 Which on this day to be served is, 
 In Regimen si A trio. 
 Caput apri defero 
 Reddens laudes Domino? " 
 
 "The following," adds the Doctor, "is Hearne's minute 
 account of it: [Hist. Guil. Neubrig. vol. Hi. p. 743:) 'I 
 will beg leave here,' says the pugnacious Oxford antiquary, 
 'to give an exact copy of the Christmas*Carol upon the 
 Boar's Head, (which is an ancient dish, and was brought 
 up by King Henry I. with trumpets, before his son, when 
 his said son was crowned) as I have it in an old fragment, 
 (for I usually preserve even fragments of old books) of the 
 Christmas Carols printed by Wynkyn de Worde, (who as 
 well as Richard Pynson, was servant to William Caxton, 
 who was the first that printed English books, though not 
 the first printer in England, as is commonly said,) print- 
 ing being exercised at Oxford in 1468, if not sooner, which 
 was several years before he printed anything at Westmin- 
 ster, by which it will be perceived how much the said carol 
 
82 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 is altered, as it is sung in some places even now, from 
 what it was at first. It is the last thing, it seems, of the 
 book (which I never yet saw entire,) and at the same time 
 I think it proper also to add to the printer's conclusion, 
 for this reason, at least, that such as write about our first 
 printers, may have some notice of the date of this book, 
 and the exact place where printed, provided they cannot 
 be able to meet with it, as I believe they will find it pretty 
 difficult to do, it being much laid aside, about the time that 
 some of David's Psalms came to be used in its stead.' '" 
 
 THIS CUSTOM 
 
 Is briefly noticed in Pointer's "Oxoniensis Jlcademia," as 
 "that of having a boar's head, or the figure of one in wood, 
 brought up in the hall every year on Christmas Day, ush- 
 ered in very solemnly with an old song, in memory of a 
 noble exploit (as tradition goes,) by a scholar (a Tabardar) 
 of this college, in killing a wild boar in Shotover Wood." 
 That is, having wandered into the said wood, which was not 
 far from Oxford, with a copy of Aristotle in his hand (for 
 the Oxonians were of old logicians of the orthodox school in 
 which an Alexander the Great was bred,) and if the latter, 
 as a pupil who sat at the foot of Aristotle, conquered a 
 world, no wonder our Tabardar, as a disciple being attack- 
 ed by a wild boar, who came at him with extended jaws, 
 intending to make but a mouthful of him, was enabled to 
 conquer so rude a beast, which he didby thrusting the Aris- 
 totle down the boar's throat, crying, in the concluding 
 words of the 5th stanza of the following song — 'Gr^cum 
 est.' The animal of course fell prostrate at his feet, was 
 carried in triumph to the college, and no doubt served up 
 with an 'old song,'" as Mr. Pointer says, in memory of this 
 "noble exploit." The witty Dr. Buckler, however, is not 
 satisfied with this brief notice of Mr. Pointer's: but says, 
 in his never -to -be for gotten expose, or " Complete Vindica- 
 tion," of The Ml- Souls' Mallard (of which anon,) "I am 
 apt to fear, that it is a fixed principle in Mr. Pointer to 
 ridicule every ceremony and solemn institution that comes 
 in his way, however venerable it may be for its antiquity 
 and significance;" and after quoting Mr. Pointer's words, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 83 
 
 he adds, with his unrivalled irony, "now, notwithstanding 
 this bold hint to the contrary, it seemeth to me to be alto- 
 
 fjether unaccountable and incredible, that a polite and 
 earned society should be so far depraved, in its taste, and 
 so much in love with a block-head, as to eat it. But as I 
 have never had the honour of dining at a boar's head, and 
 there are many gentlemen more nearly concerned and bet- 
 ter informed, as well as better qualified, in every respect, 
 to refute this calumny than I am, I shall avoid entering in- 
 to a thorough discussion of this subject. I know it is given 
 out by Mr. Pointer's enemies, that he hath been employed 
 by some of the young seceders from that college, to throw 
 out a Story of the Wooden-head, in order to countenance 
 the complaints of those gentlemen about short commons, 
 and the great deficiency of mutton, beef, &c, ; and, indeed, 
 I must say, that nothing could have better answered their 
 purpose, in this respect, than in proving, according to the 
 insinuation, that the chief dish at one of their highest festi- 
 vals, was nothing but a log of Wood bedecked with bays 
 and rosemary; but surely this cannot be credited, after the 
 university has been informed by the best authority, and in 
 the most public Manner, that a young Nobleman, who 
 lately completed his academical education at that house, 
 was, during his whole residence, not only very ivell satis- 
 fied but extremely delighted with the college commons. " 
 In the Oxford Sausage is the following 
 
 RYGHTE EXCELLENTE SONG IN HONOUR OF THE 
 CELEBRATION OF THE BOAR'S HEAD, AT QUEEN'S 
 COLLEGE, OXFORD. 
 
 Tarn Marti quam Mercurio. 
 
 I sing not of Rome or Grecian mad games, 
 The Pythian, Olympic, and such like hard names; 
 Your patience awhile, with submission, I beg, 
 I strive bnt to honour the feast of Coll. Reg. 
 
 Derry down, down, down, derry down. 
 
 No Thracian brawls at our rites e'er prevail, 
 We temper our mirth with plain sober mild Ale; 
 The tricks of Old Circe deter us from Wine: 
 Though we honour a boar, we won't make ourselves Swine. 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
84 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Great Milo was famous for slaying his Ox, 
 Yet he proved but an ass in cleaving of blocks: 
 But we had a hero for all things was fit, 
 Our Motto displays both his Valour and Wit. 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 Stout Hercules labour'd, andlook'd mighty big, 
 When he slew the half-starved Erymanthian Pig; 
 But we can relate such a stratagem taken, 
 That the stoutest of Boars could not save his own Bacon. 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 So dreadful his bristle-back'd foe did appear, 
 You'd have sworn he had got the wrong Pig by the ear, 
 But instead of avoiding the mouth of the beast, 
 He ramm'd in a volume, and cried — Gr cecum est. 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 In this gallant action such fortitude shown is, 
 As proves him no coward, nor tender Adonis; 
 No Armour but Logic; by which we may find, 
 That Logic's the bulwark of body and mind. 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 Ye Squires that fear neither hills nor rough rocks, 
 And think you're full wise when you out-wit a Pox; 
 Enrich your poor brains, and expose them no more, 
 Learn Greek, and seek glory from hunting the Boar. 
 Derry down, &c. 
 
 CLEAVING THE BLOCK, 
 
 Is another custom that either was, or is, annually celebrat- 
 ed at Queen's College, Oxford, not pro bono publico, it 
 seems, but pro bono cook-o! and has a reference, probably, 
 to the exploit in which Milo "proved but an ass," as observ- 
 ed in the second line of the third verse of the foregoing 
 song. On dit, every Christmas, New Year's, or some other 
 day, at that season of the year, a block of wood is placed 
 at the hall -door, where the cook stands with his cleaver, 
 which he delivers to each member of the College, as he 
 passes out of the Hall, who endeavours, at one stroke, to 
 sever the block of wood; failing to do which, he throws 
 down half-a-crown, in which sum he is mulct. This is done 
 by every one in succession, should they, as is invariably 
 the case, prove themselves asses in "cleaving of blocks." 
 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 85 
 
 But should any one out-Milo Milo, he would be entitled 
 to all the half-crowns previously forfeited: otherwise the 
 whole goes to the cook. 
 
 THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING LITTLE. 
 
 Lord Byron has said, that a man is unfortunate whose 
 name will admit of being punned upon. The lament might 
 apply to all peculiarities of person and habit. Dr. Joseph 
 Jowett, the late regius professor of civil law at Cambridge, 
 though a learned man, an able lecturer, one that generous- 
 ly fostered talent in rising young men, and a dilettante 
 musician of a refined and accurate taste, was remarkable 
 for some singularities, as smallness of stature, and for gar- 
 dening upon a small scale. This gave the late Bishop 
 Mansel or Porson (for it has been attributed to both, and 
 both were capable of perpetrating it) an occasion to throw 
 off 
 
 THE FOLLOWING LATIN EPIGRAM: 
 
 Exiguum nunc hortum Jowettulus iste 
 Exiguus, vallo et nmriit exiguo: 
 Exiguo hoc horto forsan Jowettulus iste 
 Exiguus mentem prodidit exiguum. 
 
 IN ENGLISH, AS MUCH AS TO SAY: 
 
 A little garden little Jowett had, 
 And fenced it with a little palisade: 
 Because this garden made a little talk, 
 He changed it to a little gravel walk: 
 And if you'ld know the taste of little Jowett, 
 This little garden doth a little show it. 
 
 BISHOPS BLOMFIELD AND MONK, 
 
 Who had the honour to edit his Adversaria, can both, it 
 is said, bear witness to the fact, that Porson was unlike 
 many pedants who make a display of their brilliant parts 
 to surprise rather than enlighten; he was liberal in the 
 extreme, and truly amiable in communicating his know- 
 
86 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 ledge to young men of talent and industry, and would tell 
 them all they wanted to know in a plain and direct man- 
 ner, without any attempt to display his superiority. All, 
 however, agree that the time for profiting by Porson's 
 learning was inter bibendmn, for then, as Chaucer says of 
 the Sompnour — 
 
 "When he well dronkin had with wine, 
 Then would he speak ne word but Latine." 
 
 More than one distinguished judge of his merits 
 
 PRONOUNCED HTM THE GREATEST SCHOLAR IN 
 EUROPE, 
 
 And he never appeared so sore, says one who knew him 
 well, as when a TVake/ield or a Hermann offered to set him 
 right, or hold their tapers to light him on his way. Their 
 doing so gave him occasion to compare them to four-footed 
 animcds, guided only by instinct; and in future, he said, 
 he " would take care they should not reach what he wrote 
 with their paws, though they stood on their hind legs. " I 
 may here very appropriately repeat the fact, that 
 
 PORSON WAS A GREAT MASTER OF IAMBIC 
 MEASURE, 
 
 As he has shown in his preface to the second edition of his 
 Hecuba. The German critic, Hermann, however, whom 
 he makes to say, in his notes on the Medea, "We Germans 
 understand quantity better than the English," accuses 
 him of being more dictatorial than explanatory in his me- 
 trical decisions. Upon this the professor fired the follow- 
 ing epigram at the German: — 
 
 UdvTtt 7TKw 'EfjActvvcs, o J 9 'Ep/m&vvog (TQoSpsL Tzuruv. 
 
 The Germans in Greek, 
 Are sadly to seek; 
 Not five in five score, 
 But ninety-five more; 
 All, save only Hermann, 
 And Hermann's a German. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 87 
 
 PORSON AND WAKEFIELD 
 
 Had but little regard for each other, and when the latter 
 published his Hecuba, Porson said — 
 
 "What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba, 
 That he should publish herT J 
 
 At another time, being teased for his opinion of a modern 
 Latin poem, his reply was, — "There is a great deal in it 
 from Horace, and a great deal from Virgil: but nothing 
 Horatian and nothing Virgilian. 
 
 Dr. Parr once asked the professor, "what he thought of 
 the origin of evil?" "I see no good in it" was his answer. 
 
 The same pugnacious divine told him one day, that 
 "with all his learning, he did not think him well versed 
 in metaphysics." "Sir," said Porson, < k I suppose you 
 mean your metaphysics." 
 
 It is not generally known that during the time he was 
 employed in deciphering the famed Rosetta stone, in the 
 collection of the British Museum, which is black, 
 
 HE OBTAINED THE SOUBRIQ.UET OF JUDGE 
 BLACKSTONE. 
 
 And it is here worthy of remark, that it was to another 
 celebrated Cantab, Porson's contemporary, Dr. Edward 
 Daniel Clarke, the traveller, that we are indebted for that 
 relique of antiquity. He happened to be in Egypt at the 
 time the negociation for the evacuation of that country by 
 the remnant of Bonaparte's army was progressing between 
 Lord Hutchinson and the French General, Menou. Know- 
 ing the French were in possession of the famed Rosetta 
 stone, amongst other reliques, Clarke's sagacity induced 
 him to point out to Lord Hutchinson the importance of 
 possessing it. The consequence was, he was named as 
 one of the parties to negociate with Menou for the surren- 
 der of that and their other Egyptian monuments and valu- 
 able reliques which the sg.avans attached to the French 
 army had sedulously collected; and notwithstanding every 
 impediment and even insult were heaped upon, and thrown 
 in Clarke's way, his perseverance was proof against it all. 
 Indeed, 
 
88 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 DR. EDWARD DANIEL CLARKE, 
 
 Whose name and writings are now justly celebrated 
 throughout the civilized world, was from his very child- 
 hood (says his biographer, contemporary, and friend, the 
 learned Principal of King's College, London,) an enthu- 
 siast in whatever he undertook, and always possessed, in 
 a very high degree, the power of interesting the minds of 
 others towards any objects that occupied his own. This 
 was remarkably illustrated by his manufacture of 
 
 A BALLOON, WITH WHICH HE AMUSED THE 
 UNIVERSITY, 
 
 In the third year of his residence, when not more than 
 eighteen, probably the only instance of a member of either 
 university constructing one. It "was magnificent in size, 
 and splendid in its decorations, and was constructed and 
 manoeuvred, from first to last, entirely by himself. It 
 was the contrivance of many anxious thoughts, and the 
 labour of many weeks, to bring it to what he wished; and 
 when, at last, it was completed to his satisfaction, and had 
 been suspended for some days in the college hall, of which 
 it occupied the whole height, he announced a time for its 
 ascension. There was nothing at that period very new in 
 balloons, or very curious in the species he had adopted; 
 but by some means he had contrived to disseminate, not 
 only within his own college, but throughout the whole 
 university, a prodigious curiosity respecting the fate of 
 this experiment; and a vast concourse of persons assem- 
 bled, both within and without the college walls; and the 
 balloon having been brought to its station, the grass-plot 
 within the cloisters of Jesus' College, was happily launched 
 by himself, amidst the applause of all ranks and degrees 
 of gownsmen, the whole scene succeeding to his wish; nor 
 is it very easy to forget the delight which flashed from his 
 eye, and the triumphant wave of his cap, when the machine, 
 with its little freight (a kitten,) having cleared the college 
 battlements, was seen floating in full security over the 
 towers of the great gate, followed in its course by several 
 persons on horseback, who had undertaken to recover it; 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 89 
 
 and all went home delighted with an exhibition upon which 
 nobody would have ventured, in such a place, but himself. 
 But to gratify and amuse others was ever the source of the 
 greatest satisfaction to him." This was one of those early 
 displays of that spirit of enterprise which was so gloriously 
 developed in his subsequent wanderings through the dreary 
 regions of the north, over the classic shores of mouldering 
 Greece, of Egypt, and of Palestine, the scenes of which, 
 and their effects upon his vivid imagination and sanguine 
 spirit, he has so admirably depicted in his writings. This 
 eminent traveller used to say, that the old proverb, 
 
 < : WITH TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE SOME MUST 
 BURN," 
 
 "Was a lie." Use poker, tongs, shovel, and all,— only 
 keep them all stirring, was his creed. Few had the capa- 
 city of keeping them so effectually stirring as he had. 
 Nature seemed to have moulded him, head and heart, to 
 be in a degree a contradiction to the wise saws of ex- 
 perience. 
 
 THREE BLUE BEANS IN A BLADDER. 
 
 Dr. Bentley said of our celebrated Cambridge Professor, 
 Joshua Barnes, that "he knew about as much Greek as an 
 Athenian blacksmith," but he was certainly no ordinary 
 scholar, and few have excelled him in his tact at throwing; 
 off "trifles light as air" in that language, of which his fol- 
 lowing version of three blue beans in a bladder is a sample: 
 
 Equal to this is the following spondaic on 
 
 THE THREE UNIVERSITY BEDELS, 
 
 By Kit Smart, who well deserved, though Dr. Johnson 
 denied him, a place in his British Poets. He possessed 
 great wit and sprightliness of conversation, which would 
 readily flow off in extemporaneous verse, savs Dver, and 
 g 2 
 
90 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 the three university bedels all happening to be fat men, he 
 thus immortalized them: 
 
 "Pinguia tergeminorum abdomina Bedellorum." 
 (Three bedels sound, with paunches fat and round.) 
 
 NO SCHOLAR IN EUROPE UNDERSTOOD THEM 
 BETTER. 
 
 It is recorded of another Cambridge Clarke, the Rev. 
 John, who was successively head-master of the grammar 
 schools of Skipton, Beverley, and Wakefield in Yorkshire, 
 and obtained the honourable epithet of " The good school- 
 master" — that when he presented himself to our great 
 critic, Dr. Richard Bentley, at Trinity College, Cam- 
 bridge, for admission, the Doctor proceeded to examine 
 him, as is usual, and placed before him a page of the Greek 
 text, with the Scholia, for the purpose. "He explained 
 the whole," says his memorialist, Dr. Zouch, "with the 
 utmost perspicuity, elegance, and ease. Dr. Bentley im- 
 mediately presented him with a valuable edition of the 
 Comedies of Aristophanes, telling him, in language pecu- 
 liar to himself, that no scholar in Europe understood them 
 better, one person only excepted," Dyer has the following 
 
 BENTLEIAN ANECDOTE 
 
 In his Supplement, but supposes it cannot be charged upon 
 the Doctor, "the greatest Greek scholar of his age." He 
 is said to have set a scholar a copy of Greek verses, by 
 way of imposition, for some offence against college disci- 
 pline. Having completed his verses, he brought them to 
 the Doctor, who had not proceeded far in examining them 
 before he was struck with a passage, which he pronounced 
 bad Greek. "Yet, sir," said the scholar, with submission, 
 "I thought I had followed good authority," and taking a 
 Pindar out of his pocket, he pointed to a similar expression. 
 The Doctor was satisfied, but, continuing to read on, he 
 soon found another passage, which he said was certainly 
 bad Greek. The young man took his Pindar out of his 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 91 
 
 pocket again, and showed another passage, which he had 
 followed as his authority. The Doctor was a little nettled, 
 but he proceeded to the end of the verses, when he ob- 
 served another passage at the close, which he affirmed was 
 not classical. "Yet Pindar," rejoined the young man, 
 "was my authority even here," and he pointed out the 
 place which he had closely imitated. "Get along, sir," 
 exclaimed the Doctor, rising from his chair in a passion, 
 "Pindar was very bold, and you are very impudent. " 
 
 THE GREAT GAUDY OF THE ALL-SOULS' MALLARD. 
 
 This feast is annually celebrated the 14th of January, 
 by the Society of All-Souls, in piam memoriam of their 
 founder, the famous Henry Chichele, Archbishop of Can- 
 terbury. It is a custom at All-Souls' College (says Point- 
 er, in his Oxoniensis Academia,) kept up on "their mal- 
 lard-night every year, in remembrance of a huge mallard 
 or drake, found (as tradition goes) imprisoned in a gutter 
 or drain underground, and grown to a vast bigness, at the 
 digging for the foundation of the college." This mallard 
 had grown to a huge size, and was, it appears, of a great 
 age; and to account for the longevity, he cites the Orni- 
 thology of Willughby, who observes, "that he was assured 
 by a friend of his, a person of very good credit, that his 
 father kept a goose known to be sixty years of age, and as 
 yet sound and lusty, and like enough to have lived many 
 years longer, had he not been forced to kill her, for her 
 mischievousness, worrying and destroying the young geese 
 and goslings." "And my Lord Bacon," he adds, "in his 
 Natural History, says, the goose may pass among the long- 
 livers, though his food be commonly grass and such kind 
 of nourishment, especially the wild goose; wherefore this 
 proverb grew among the Germans, Magis senex quam 
 Jlnser nivalis — Older than a wild-goose. " He might also 
 have instanced the English proverb, "As tough as a Mi- 
 chaelmas goose. "If a goose be such a long-lived bird," 
 observes Mr. P., "why not a duck or a drake, since I 
 reckon they may be both ranked in the same class, though 
 
92 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 of a different species, as to their size, as a rat and a mouse? 
 And if so, this may help to give credit to our All-Souls' 
 mallard. However, this is certain, this mallard is the 
 accidental occasion of a great gaudy once a -year, and great 
 mirth, though the commemoration of their founder is the 
 chief occasion; for on this occasion is always sung," as 
 extant in the Oxford Sausage, the following " merry old 
 song:" — 
 
 THE ALL-SOULS' MALLARD. 
 
 Griffin, bustard, turkey, capon, 
 
 Let our hungry mortals gape on, 
 
 And on their bones their stomach fall hard, 
 
 But All-Souls' men have their mallard. 
 
 Oh! by the blood of King Edward, 
 Oh! by the blood of King Edward, 
 m It was a swapping, swapping, mallard. 
 
 The Romans once admired a gander 
 More than they did their chief commander, 
 Because he saved, if some don't fool us, 
 The place that's called from the Head of Tolus, 
 Oh! by the blood, &c. 
 
 The poets feign Jove turned a swan, 
 But let them prove it if they can; 
 As for our proof, 'tis not at all hard, 
 For it was a swapping, swapping mallard. 
 Oh! for the blood, &c. 
 
 Swapping he was from bill to eye, 
 Swapping he was from wing to thigh; 
 Swapping — his age and corporation 
 Out-swapped all the winged creation. 
 Oh! for the blood, &c. 
 
 Therefore let us sing and dance a galliard, 
 
 To the remembrance of the mallard; 
 
 And as the mallard dives in a pool, 
 
 Let us dabble, dive, and duck in a bowl. 
 
 Qh! by the blood of King Edward, 
 Oh! by the blood of King Edward, 
 It was a swapping, swapping mallard. 
 
 But whoever would possess themselves of the true history 
 of the swapping mallard of All-Souls, must read the 
 "Complete Vindication of the Mallard of All- Souls," pub- 
 lished in 1751, by Dr, Buckler, sub-warden, "a most in- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 93 
 
 controvertible proof of his wit," who for that and other, 
 his effusions, was usually styled, by way of eminence, says 
 Chalmers, in his History of Oxford, "The Buckler of the 
 Mallardians. " His Vindication, it is justly observed, is 
 "one of the finest pieces of irony in our language. 5 ' Of 
 course, he is highly indignant at the "injurious suggestions 
 of Mr. Pointer (contained in the foregoing quotations,) 
 who insinuates, that the huge mallard was no better than 
 a goose-a- gander, "magis senexp &c. ; and after citing 
 the very words of Mr. P., he breaks out, "Thus the mal- 
 lard of Ml- Souls, whose remembrance has, for these three 
 centuries, been held in the highest veneration, is, by this 
 forged hypothesis, degraded into a goose, or, at least, 
 ranked in the same class with that ridiculous animal, and 
 the whole story on which the rites and ceremonies of the 
 mallard depends, is represented as merely traditional; 
 more than a hint is given of the mischievousness of the 
 bird, whatever he be; and all is founded on a pretended 
 longevity ) in support of which fiction the great names of 
 Lord Bacon and Mr. Willughby are called in, to make the 
 vilifying insinuation pass the more plausibly upon the 
 world." "We live in an age (he adds, } when the most 
 serious subjects are treated with an air of ridicule; I shall 
 therefore set this important affair in its true light, and 
 produce authorities "sufficient to convince the most obsti- 
 nate incredulity; and first, I shall beg leave to transcribe 
 a passage from Thomas Walsingham, (see Nicholson's 
 Historical Library,) a monk of St. Mbarts, and Regius 
 Professor of History in that monastery, about the year 
 1440. This writer is well known among the historians 
 for his Historia Brevis, written in Latin, and published 
 both by Camden and Archbishop Parker. But the tract I 
 am quoting is in English, and entitled, Of Wonderful 
 and Surprising Eventys, and, as far as I can find, has 
 never yet been printed. The eighth chapter of his fifth 
 book begins thus: — 
 
 " 'Ryghte well worthie of Note is thilke famous Tale of 
 the Ml-Soulen Mallarde, the whiche, because it bin acted 
 in our Daies, and of a suretye vouched into me, I will in 
 fewe Wordys relate. 
 
94 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 " 'Whereas Henry e Chicele, the late renowned Arch- 
 Bishope of Cantorburye, had minded to founden a Collidge 
 in Oxenforde for the hele of his Soule and the Soules of 
 all those who peryshed in the Warres in Fraunce, fighteing 
 valiantlye under our most gracious Henrye the fifthe, 
 moche was he distraughten concerning the Place he myghte 
 choose for thilke Purpose. Him thynketh some whylest 
 how he myghte place it withouten the eastern Parte of the 
 Citie, both for the Pleasauntnesse of the Meadowes and 
 the clere Streamy s thereby e runninge. Agen him thynk- 
 eth odir whylest howe he mote builden it on the Northe 
 Side for the heleful Ay re there coming from the fieldis. 
 Now while he doubteth thereon he dreamt, and behold 
 there appearyth unto him one of righte godelye Personage, 
 saying and adviseing him as howe he myghte placen his 
 Collidge in the Highe Strete of the Citie, nere unto the 
 Chirche of our blessed Ladie the Virgine, and in Witnesse 
 that it was sowthe and no vain and deceitful Phantasie, 
 wolled him to laye the first Stone of the foundation at the 
 corner which turnyth towards the Catty s-strete, where in 
 delvinge he myghte of a Suretye finde a schwoppinge Mal- 
 larde imprison'd in the Sinke or Sewere, wele yfattened 
 and almost ybosten. Sure Token of the Thrivaunce of 
 his future Collidge. 
 
 " 'Moche doubteth he when he awoke on the nature of 
 this Vision, whether he mote give hede thereto or not. 
 Then advisyth he thereon with monie Docters and learned 
 Clerkys, all sayd howe he oughte to maken Trial upon it. 
 Then comyth he to Oxenforde, and on a Daye fix'd, after 
 Masse seyde, proceedeth he in solemn wyse, with Spades 
 and Pickaxes for the nonce provided, to the Place afore 
 spoken of. But long they had not digged ere they herde, 
 as it myghte seme, within the warn of the Erthe, horrid 
 Strugglinges and Flutteriiiges, and anon violent Quaak- 
 inges of the distressyd Mallarde. Then Chicele lyfteth up 
 his hondes and seyth Benedicite, &c. &c. Nowe when 
 they broughte him forthe behold the Size of his Bodie was 
 as that of a Bustarde or an Ostriche, and moche wonder 
 was thereat, for the lyke had not been been seene in this 
 Londe, ne in anie odir. ' 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 95 
 
 "Here," says the Doctor, "we have the matter of fact 
 proved from an authentic record, wherein there is not one 
 word said of the longevity of the mallard, upon a supposi- 
 tion of which Mr. Pointer has founded his whole libeL 
 The mallard, 'tis true, has grown to a great size. But 
 what then? Will not the richness and plenty of the diet 
 he wallowed in very well account for this, without sup- 
 posing any great number of years of imprisonment? The 
 words of the historian, I am sure, rather discourage any 
 such supposition. Sure token, says he, of the thrivance of 
 his future college! which seems to me to intimate the great 
 progress the mallard had made in fattening, in a short 
 space of time. But be this as it will, there is not the least 
 hint of a goose in the case. No: the impartial Walsing- 
 ham had far higher notions of the mallard, and could form 
 no comparison of him, without borrowing his idea from 
 some of the most noble birds, the bustard and the os- 
 tridge." Turning to our author's comment on the last 
 passage of Mr. Pointer, he adds, "However, this is cer- 
 tain, this mallard is the accidental occasion of a great 
 gaudy once a year, and great mirth; for on this occasion 
 is always sung a merry old song." — "Bern tain seriam — 
 tarn negligenter," exclaims the Doctor; ( 'Would any one 
 but this author have represented so august a ceremony as 
 the Celebration of the Mallard by those vulgar circum- 
 stances of eating and drinking, and singing a merry old 
 song? Doth he not know that the greatest states, even 
 those of Rome and Carthage, had their infant foundations 
 distinguished by incidents very much resembling those of 
 the mallard, and that the commemoration of them was 
 celebrated with hymns and processions, and made a part 
 of their religious observances? Let me refresh his memory 
 with a circumstance or two relating to the head of Tolus 
 (will serve to elucidate the fourth line of the second verse 
 of the merry old song) which was discovered at the founda- 
 tion of the Capitol. The Romans held the remembrance 
 of it in the greatest veneration, as will appear from the 
 following quotation from Jlrnobius, in a fragment preserv- 
 ed by Lipsius: — 'Quo die (says he, speaking of the annual 
 celebrity) congregati sacerdotes, et eorum ministri, totum 
 
96 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Capitolinum collem circumibant, cantilenam quandam sa- 
 cram de Toli cujusdam capite, dum molirentur fundamenta 
 in ven to, recitantes deinde ad coenam vere pontificiam se 
 recipientes,' &c. Part of this merry old song (as Mr. P. 
 would call it) is preserved by Vossius, in his book Be Sa- 
 cris Cantilenis Veterum Romanorum. The chorus of it 
 shows so much the simplicity of the ancient Roman poetry 
 that I cannot forbear transcribing it for the benefit of my 
 reader, as the book is too scarce to be in every one's hand. 
 It runs thus: 
 
 Toli caput venerandum! 
 Magnum caput et mirandum! 
 Toli caput resonamus. 
 
 I make no doubt but that every true critic will be highly 
 pleased with it. For my own part, it gives me a particular- 
 pleasure to reflect on the resemblance there is between this 
 precious relique of antiquity, and the chorus of the Mallard. 
 
 Oh t by the blood of King Edward, 
 
 It was a swapping, swapping Mallard! 
 
 The greatness of the subject, you see, is the Thing cele- 
 brated in both, and the manner of doing it is as nearly 
 equal as the different geniuses of the two languages will 
 permit. Let me hope, therefore^ that Mr. P. , when he 
 exercises his thoughts again on this subject, will learn to 
 think more highly of the mallard, than of a common gaudy, 
 or merry making. For it will not be just to suppose that 
 the gentlemen of Ml- Souls can have less regard for the 
 memory of so noble a bird, found all alive, than the Romans 
 had for the dead skull of the Lord knows whom. " 
 
 ANOTHER OXFORD DREAM PRECEDED THE 
 FOUNDATION OF ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE. 
 
 Dr. Plott relates, in his History of Oxfordshire, that 
 the founder of St John's College, Oxford, Sir Thomas 
 White, alderman and merchant tailor of London, original- 
 ly designed the establishment of his college at his birth- 
 place, Reading, in Berkshire, But being warned in a 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 97 
 
 dream, that he should build a college for the education of 
 youth, in religion and learning, near a place where he 
 should find two elms growing out of the same root, he first 
 proceeded to Cambridge, and finding no such tree, he re- 
 paired to Oxford, where he discovered one, which answered 
 the description in his dream, near St. Bernard's College. 
 Elated with joy, he dismounted from his horse, and, on his 
 knees, returned thanks for the fortunate issue of his pious 
 search. Dr. Joseph Warton seems to throw a doubt upon 
 Dr. Plott's narration, observing, that he was fond of the 
 marvellous. The college was founded in the middle of 
 the sixteenth century, and Doctor Plott says, that the tree 
 was in a flourishing state in his day, 1677, when Dr. Lev- 
 ing was president of St. John's College. Mr. Pointer 
 observes, in his Oxoniensis Accidentia, et The triple trees 
 that occasioned the foundation of the college, &c. did stand 
 between the library and the garden. One of them died in 
 16£6." 
 
 The following letter, addressed to the Society by Sir 
 Thomas, the founder, a fortnight before his death, the 11th 
 of February, 1566, is a relic worth printing, though it does 
 "savour of death's heads." 
 
 "Mr. President, with the Fellows and Schollers* 
 
 "I have mee recommended unto you even from the bot- 
 tome of my hearte, desyringe the Holye Ghoste may be 
 amonge you untill the end of the worlde, and desyringe 
 Almightie God, that everie one of you may love one ano- 
 ther as brethren; and I shall desyre you all to applye to 
 your learninge, and so doinge, God shall give you his bless- 
 inge bothe in this worlde and the worlde to come. And, 
 furthermore, if anye variance or strife doe arise amonge 
 you, I shall desyre you, for God's love, to pacifye it as 
 much as you may; and that doinge, I put no doubt but 
 God shall blesse everye one of you. And this shall be the 
 last letter that ever I shall sende unto you; and therefore 
 I shall desyre everye one of you, to take a copy of yt for 
 my sake. No more to you at this tyme; but the Lord 
 have you in his keeping until the end of the worlde. 
 Written the 27th day of January, 1566. I desyre you all 
 
 H 
 
98 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 to pray to God for mee, that I may ende my life with 
 patience, and that he may take mee to his mercye. 
 
 "By mee, 
 
 "Sir Thomas White, 
 
 "Knighte, Alderman of London, and 
 "Founder of St. John's College 3 in Oxford.' 1 
 
 A POINT OF PRECEDENCE SETTLED. 
 
 A dispute once arose between the Doctors of Law and 
 Medicine, in Cambridge, as to which had the right of pre- 
 cedence. "Does the thief or hangman take precedence 
 at executions?" asked the Chancellor, on reference to his 
 judgment. "The former," answered a wag. "Then let 
 the Doctors of Law have precedence," said the Chancellor. 
 
 COMPLIMENTS TO THE LEARNED OF BOTH 
 UNIVERSITIES. 
 
 "The names which learned men bear for any length of 
 time," says Dr. Parr, "are generally well founded." Dr. 
 Chillingworth, for his able and convincing writings in 
 support of the Protestant Church, was styled 
 
 MALLEUS PAPISTARUM." 
 
 Dr. Sutherland, the friend and literary associate of Dr. 
 Mead, and others, obtained the soubriquet of 
 
 "THE WALKING DICTIONARY." 
 
 John Duns, better known as the celebrated Duns Scotus, 
 who was bred at Merton College, Oxford, and is said to 
 have been buried alive, was called 
 
 DOCTOR SUBTILIS: 
 
 Another Mertonian, named Occam, his successor and op- 
 ponent, was named 
 
 DOCTOR INVINCIBILIS: 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 99 
 
 A third was the famous Sir Henry Savile, who had the 
 title of 
 
 PROFOUND 
 
 Bestowed upon him: and a fourth of the Society of Merton 
 College, was the celebrated Reformer, John Wicklifte, 
 who was called 
 
 DOCTOR EVANGELICUS. 
 
 Wood, says, that Dr. John Reynolds, President of Corpus 
 Christi College, Oxford, died in 1607, "one of so prodi- 
 gious a memory, that he might have been called 
 
 THE WALKING LIBRARY;' 5 
 
 To "see whom," he adds, "was to command virtue itself." 
 If Duns Scotus was justly called "the most subtle doctor," 
 says Parr, Roger Bacon, 
 
 "THE WONDERFUL," 
 
 Bonaventure "the Seraphim," Aquinas the "Universal 
 and Evangelical," surely Hooker has with equal, if not 
 superior justice, obtained the name of 
 
 "THE JUDICIOUS." 
 
 Bishop Louth, in his preface to his English Grammar, has 
 bestowed the highest praise upon the purity of Hooker's 
 style. Bishop Warburton, in his book on the Alliance 
 between Church and State, often quotes him, and calls 
 him, "the excellent, the admirable, the best good man of 
 our order." 
 
 JOHN LELAND, 
 
 Senior, says Wood, who in the reigns of Henry V. and 
 VI. taught and read in Peckwaters Ynne, while it flou- 
 rished with grammarians, "was one so well seen in verse 
 and prose, and all sorts of humanity, that he went beyond 
 
100 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 the learnedest of his age, and was so noted a grammarian, 
 that this verse was made upon him: — 
 
 { Ut rosa flos florum sic Leland grammaticorum;' 
 Which," he adds, "with some alteration, was fastened 
 upon John Leland, junior, by Richard Croke, of Cam- 
 bridge, at what time the said Leland became a Protestant, 
 and thereupon," observes Wood (as if it were a necessary 
 consequence,) "fell mad:" 
 
 'Ut rosa flos florum sic Leland flos fatuorurn.' 
 Which being replied to by Leland (In Encom. Eruditorum 
 in Anglia, &c. per Jo. Leland's edit. Lond. 1589,) was 
 answered by a friend of Croke's in verse also. And here 
 by the way I must let the reader know that it was the 
 fashion of that age (temp. Hen. VIII.) to buffoon, or wit 
 it after that fashion, not only by the younger sort of stu- 
 dents, but by bishops and grave doctors. The learned 
 Walter Haddon, Master of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, and 
 afterwards President of Magdalen College, Oxford, in an 
 epistle that he wrote to Dr. Cox, Almoner to Edward IV. 
 (afterwards Bishop of Ely) "doth give him great com- 
 mendations of his actions and employments, and further 
 addeth (in his Lucubrations) that when he was at leisure 
 to recreate his mind, he would, rather than be idle, 'Sce- 
 volae et Lselii more — aut velitationem illam Croci cum 
 Lelando perridiculam, vel reliquas Oxonienses nugas (ita 
 enim profecto sunt,' saith he,) 'evolvere voluerit, &c. ? 
 Dr. Tresham, also, who was many years Commissary or 
 Vice-Chancellor of the University, is said by (Humfredus 
 in Vita Juelli) 'ludere in re seria, &c. ? " When Queen 
 Elizabeth was asked her opinion of the scholarship of the 
 two great cotemporaries, the learned Buchanan and Dr. 
 Walter Haddon, the latter accounted the best writer of 
 Latin of his age, she dexterously avoided the imputation 
 of partiality by replying: "Buchannum omnibus antepono, 
 Haddonum nemini postpono." 
 
 LORD MOUNTJOY 
 Was the friend and cotemporary of Erasmus, at Queen's 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 101 
 
 College, Cambridge, and was so highly esteemed by that 
 great man, that he called him, "Inter doctos nobiKsrimus, 
 inter nobiles doctissimus, inter atrosque optimus." His 
 noble friend once entreated him to 
 
 ATTACK THE ERRORS OF LUTHER. 
 
 <; Mv Lord," replied the sage, "nothing is more easy than 
 to say Luther is mistaken: nothing more difficult than to 
 prove him so." 
 
 VIR EGREGIE DOCTUS, 
 
 Was the soubriquet conferred upon the celebrated Etonian, 
 Cantab, Reformer, Provost of King's College, and Bishop 
 of Hereford, Dr. Edward Fox, by the learned Bishop God- 
 win. Another Etonian and Cantab, Dr. Aldrich, Bishop 
 of Carlisle, received from Erasmus, when young, the 
 equally just and elegant compliment of 
 
 "BLANDiE ELOaUENTIiE JUVENEM." 
 
 A POINT OF ETiaUETTE. 
 
 Many humorous stories are told of the absurd height to 
 which the observance of etiquette has been carried at both 
 Oxford and Cambridge. In my time, you might meet a 
 good fellow at a wine party, crack your joke with him, 
 hob-nob, &c, but, unless introduced, you would have been 
 stared at with the most vacant wonderment if you attempt- 
 ed to recognise him next day. It is told of men of both 
 universities, that a scholar walking on the banks of the 
 Isis, or Cam, fell into the river, and was in the act of 
 drowning, when another son of Alma-Mater came up, and 
 observing his perilous situation, exclaimed, ' 4 What a pity 
 it is I have not the honour of knowing the gentleman, that 
 I might save him!" One version of the story runs, that 
 the said scholars met by accident on the banks of the Nile 
 or Ganges, I forget which, when the catastrophe took place; 
 we may, therefore, very easily imagine the presence of 
 either a crocodile or an alligator to complete the group. 
 h 2 
 
102 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Wood, in his Annals of Oxford, has the following anec- 
 dote of 
 
 THE VALUE OF A SYLLABLE. 
 
 "The masters of olden time at Athens, and afterwards 
 at Oxford, w r ere called Sophi, and the scholars Sophistse; 
 but the masters taking it in scorn that the scholars should 
 have a larger name than they, called themselves Philoso- 
 phic — that is, lovers of science, and so got the advantage 
 of the scholars by one syllable." Every body has heard of 
 Foote's celebrated motto for a tailor friend of his, about 
 to sport his coat of arms, — (i List, list, O list!" But every 
 body has not heard, probably, though it is noticed in his 
 memoir, extant in Nichols's Literary Anecdotes, that the 
 learned Cambridge divine and antiquary, Dr. Cocks Macro, , 
 having applied to a Cambridge acquaintance for an appro- 
 priate motto to his coat of arms, was pithily answered with 
 
 "COCKS MAY CROW." 
 
 Every Cantab remembers and regrets the early death of 
 the accomplished scholar, Charles Skinner Matthews, M. 
 A., late Fellow of Downing College, who was "the fami- 
 liar' 5 of the present Sir J. C. Hobhouse, and of the late 
 Lord Byron. He was not more accomplished than face- 
 tious, nor, according to one of Lord Byron's letters, more 
 facetious than "beloved." Speaking of his university 
 freaks, his lordship says, "when Sir Henry Smith was 
 expelled from Cambridge, for a row with a tradesman 
 named "Hiro72." Matthews solaced himself with shouting 
 under Hiron's window every evening — 
 
 f Ah me! what perils do environ 
 
 The man who meddles with hot HironF 
 
 He was also of that 
 
 BAND OF PROFANE SCOFFERS 
 
 who, under the auspices of , used to rouse Lord 
 
 Mansel (late Bishop of Bristol) from his slumbers in the 
 Lodge of Trinity (College;) and when he appeared at the 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 103 
 
 window, foaming with wrath, and crying out, "I know you, 
 gentlemen; I know you!" were wont to reply, "We be- 
 seech thee to hear us, good Lortl — Good Lort deliver us!" 
 [Lort was his Christian name.) And his lordship might 
 have added, the pun was the more poignant, as the Bishop 
 was either a Welshman himself, or had a Welsh sponsor, 
 in the person of the late Greek Professor, Dr. Lort. Pun- 
 ning upon sacred subjects, however, is decidedly in bad 
 taste; yet, in the reign of the Stuarts, neither king nor 
 nobles v were above it. Our illustrious Cantab, Bacon, 
 writing to Prince, afterwards Charles the First, in the 
 midst of his disastrous poverty, says, he hopes, "as the 
 father was his Creator, the son will be his Redeemer." 
 Yet this great man 
 
 DID NOT THE LESS REVERENCE RELIGION, 
 
 But said, towards the close of his chequered life, that "a 
 little smattering in philosophy would lead a man to Athe- 
 ism, but a thorough insight into it will lead a man back to 
 a First Cause; and that the first principle of religion is 
 right reason; and seriously professed, all his studies and 
 inquisitions, he durst not die with any other thoughts than 
 those religion taught, as it is professed among the Chris- 
 tians." These incidents remind me that 
 
 THE MEMORY OF JEMMY GORDON, 
 
 (: Who, to save from rustication, 
 Crammed the dunce with declamation," 
 
 Is now fast falling into forgetfidness, though there was a 
 time when he was hailed by Granta's choicest spirits, as 
 one who never failed to "set the table in a roar." Poor 
 Jemmy! I shall never forget the manner in which he, by 
 one of those straightforward, not-to-be-mistaken flashes of 
 wit, silenced a brow-beating Radical Huntingdon attorney, 
 at a Reform-meeting in Cambridge market-place. Jemmy 
 was a native of Cambridge, and was the son of a former 
 chapel-clerk of Trinity College, who gave him an excellent 
 classical education, and had him articled to an eminent 
 solicitor, with fine talents and good prospects. But though 
 Jemmy was "a cunning man with a hard head," such as 
 
104 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 his profession required, he had a soft heart, — fell in love 
 with a pretty girl. That pretty girl, it is said, returned 
 his passion, then proved faithless, and finally coquetted 
 and ran oft* with a "gay deceiver," a fellow-commoner of 
 Trinity College, — optically dazzled, no doubt, with the 
 
 frarple robe and silver lace, for Jemmy was a fine, sensible- 
 ooking man. Poor Jemmy ! he was too good for the faith- 
 less hussy; he took it to heart, as they say, and, unfortu- 
 nately, took to drinking at the same time. He soon became 
 too unsettled, both in mind and habits, to follow up his 
 profession with advantage, and he became a bon-vivant, a 
 professed wit, with a natural turn for facete, and the cram- 
 man of the more idle sons of Granta, who delighted in his 
 society in those days when his wits were unclouded, nor 
 did the more distinguished members of the university then 
 disdain to hail him to their boards. For many years Jem- 
 my lived to know and prove that "learning is most excel- 
 lent;" and having a good classical turn, he lived by writing 
 Themes and Declarations for non-reading Cantabs, for 
 each of which Jemmy expected the physician's mite, and, 
 like them, might be said to thrive by the Guinea Trade. 
 It is, no doubt, true, that some of his productions had col- 
 lege prizes awarded to them, and that, on one occasion, 
 being recommended to apply for the medal, he indignantly 
 answered, "It is no credit to be first in an ass-race!" 
 Notwithstanding, Jemmy's in-goings never equalled his 
 out-goings, and many a parley had Jemmy with his empty 
 purse. It was no uncommon thing for him to pass his 
 vacations in quod — videlicet jail — for debts his creditors 
 were well aware he could not pay; but they well knew 
 also that his friends, the students, would be sure to pay 
 him out on their return to college. These circumstances 
 give occasion for the publication of the now scarce carica- 
 tures of him, entitled, "Term-time," and fc( Non-term." 
 In the first he is represented spouting to one of his togaed 
 customers, in the latter he appears cogitating in "durance 
 vile." Besides these, numerous portraits of Jemmy have 
 been put forth, for the correctness of most of which we, 
 who have "held our sides at his fair words," can vouch. 
 A full-length is extant in Hone's Every-Day Book, in the 
 
MTS TO CRACK. 105 
 
 Gracilis ad Catabrigiam is a second; and we doubt not but 
 our friend Mason, of Church-Passage, Cambridge, could 
 furnish a collector with several, roor Jemmy! he has 
 now been dead several years. His latter days were me- 
 lancholy indeed. To the last, however, Jemmy continued 
 I -port those distinctive marks of a man of ton, a spying- 
 glass and an opera-hat, which so well became him. Lat- 
 terly he became troublesome to his best friends, not only 
 levying contributions at will, but by saying hard things to 
 them, sparing neither heads of college, tutors, fellows, stu- 
 dents, or others whose names were familiar to him. On 
 one occasion, oblivious with too much devotion to Sir 
 John, as was latterly his wont, his abuse caused him to be 
 committed to the tread-mill — sic transit — and after his 
 term of exercise had expired, meeting a Cantab in the 
 street whose beauty was even less remarkable than his wit, 
 he addressed our recreant with, "Well, Jemmy, how do 
 
 you like the tread-mill ?" "I don't like your ugly 
 
 iace, ? - was the response. Jemmy ? s recorded witticisms 
 were at one time as numberless as the stars, and in the 
 mouth of every son of Granta, bachelor or big-wig; now 
 some only are remembered. He one day met Sir John 
 Mortlock in the streets of Granta, soon after he had been 
 knighted; making a dead pause, and looking Sir John full 
 in the face, Jemmy improvised — 
 
 "The king, by merely laying sword on, 
 Could make a knight of Jemmy Gordon/ 5 
 
 At another time, petitioning a certain college dignitary for 
 a few shillings to recover his clothes, pledged to appease 
 his thirst, he said, on receiving the amount, "Now, I know 
 that my redeemer liveth." 
 
 Jemmy, in his glorious days, had been a good deal pa- 
 tronised by the late Master of Trinity College, Bishop 
 Mansel, like himself a wit of the first water. Jemmy one 
 day called upon the bishop, during the time he filled the 
 oftice of Vice-Chancellor, to beg half-a-crown. "I will 
 give you as much," said the Bishop, "if you can bring me 
 a greater rogue than yourself." Jemmy made his bow and 
 departed, content with the condition, and had scarcely half 
 crossed the great court of Trinity, when he espied the late 
 
106 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Mr. B., then one of the Esquire Bedels of the University, 
 scarcely less eccentric than himself. Jemmy coolly told 
 him that the Vice-Chancellor wanted to see him. Into the 
 Lodge went our Bedel, followed close by Jemmy. "Here 
 he is," said Jemmy, as they entered the Bishop's presence, 
 arcades ambo, at the same instant. "Who?" inquired the 
 Bishop. "You told me, my Lord," said Jemmy, ' 4 to bring 
 you a greater rogue than myself, and you would give me 
 half-a-crown, and here he is." The Bishop enjoyed the 
 joke, and gave him the money. A somewhat 
 
 SIMILAR STORY IS TOLD OF AN OXFORD WAG, 
 
 In Addison's Anecdotes, stating, that about the beginning 
 of the eighteenth century, when it was more the fashion 
 to drink ale at Oxford than at present, a humorous fellow 
 of merry memory established an ale-house near the pound, 
 and wrote over his door, "Ale sold by the pound!" As 
 his ale was as good as his jokes, the Oxonians resorted to 
 his house in great numbers, and sometimes stayed there 
 beyond the college hours. This was made a matter of 
 complaint to the Vice-Chancellor, who was desired to take 
 away his license by one of the Proctors. Boniface was 
 summoned to attend accordingly, and when he came into 
 the Vice-Chancellor's presence, he began hawking and 
 spitting about the room. This the Vice-Chancellor ob- 
 served, and asked what he meant by it? "Please your 
 worship," said he, "I came here on purpose to clear my- 
 self." The Vice-Chancellor imagining that he actually 
 weighed his ale, said, "They tell me you sell ale by the 
 pound; is that true?" "No, an' please your worship." 
 "How do you, then?" "Very well, I thank you, sir," 
 said the wag, "how do you do?" The Vice-Chancellor 
 laughed and said, "Get away for a rogue; I'll say no more 
 to you." The fellow went out, but in crossing the quod 
 met the proctor who had laid the information against him. 
 "Sir," said he, addressing the Proctor, "the Vice-Chancel- 
 lor wants to speak with you," and they went to the Vice- 
 Chancellor's together. "Here he is, sir," said Boniface, 
 as they entered the presence, "Who?" inquired the Vice. 
 "Why, sir," he rejoined, "you sent me for a rogue, and 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 107 
 
 I have brought you the greatest that I know of." The 
 result was, says the author of Terrse-Filius (who gives a 
 somewhat different version of the anecdote,) that Boniface 
 paid dear for his jokes: being not only deprived of his 
 license, but committed to prison. 
 
 CAMBRIDGE FROLICS. 
 
 I recollect once being invited, with another Cantab, to 
 bitch (as they say) with a scholar of Bene't Coll. and ar- 
 rived there at the hour named to find the door spoiled and 
 our host out. We resolved, however, not to he floored by 
 a quiz, and having gained admission to his rooms per the 
 window, we put a bold face upon matters, went straight 
 to the buttery, and ordered "coffee and muffins for two," 
 in his name. They came of course; and having feasted 
 to our heart's content, we finished our revenge by hunting 
 up all the tallow we could lay hands on, which we cut up 
 to increase the number, and therewith illuminated his 
 rooms and beat a retreat as quick as possible. The Col- 
 lege was soon in an uproar to learn the cause for such a 
 display, and we had the pleasure of witnessing our ivag's 
 chagrin thereat from a nook in the court. This anecdote 
 reminds me of one told of himself and the late learned 
 physician, Dr. Battie, by Dr. Morell. They were con- 
 temporary at Eton, and afterwards went to King's College, 
 Cambridge, together. Dr. Battle's mother was hisjackall 
 wherever he went, and, says Dr. Morell, she kindly re- 
 commended me and other scholars to a chandler at 4s. 6d. 
 per dozen. But the candles proved dear even at that rate, 
 and we resolved to vent our disappointment upon her son. 
 We, accordingly, got access to Battie's room, locked him 
 out, and all the candles we could find in his box we lighted 
 and stuck up round the room! and, whilst I thrummed on 
 the spinnet, the rest danced round me in their shirts. Upon 
 Battie's coming, and finding what we were at, he "fell to 
 storming and swearing," says the Doctor, "till the old 
 Vice-Provost, Dr. Willymott, called out from above, 
 'Who is 
 
108 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 SWEARING LIKE A COMMON SOLDIER? 
 
 'It is I,' quoth Battie. 'Visit me, 5 quoth the Vice-Provost. 
 Which, indeed, we were all obliged to do the next morn* 
 ing, with a distich, according to custom. Mine naturally 
 turned upon, 'So fiddled Orpheus, and so danced the 
 brutes? which having explained to the Vice-Provost, he 
 punished me and Sleech with a few lines from the Epsilon 
 of Homer, and Battie with the whole third book of Milton, 
 to get, as we say, by heart. " Another College scene, in 
 which Battie played a part, when a scholar at King's, is 
 the following: — 
 
 CASE OP BLACK RASH, 
 
 Given on the authority of his old college chum, Ralph 
 Thicknesse, who, like himself, became a Fellow. There 
 was then at King's College, says Ralph, a very good-tem- 
 pered six-feet-high Parson, of the name of Harry Lofft, 
 who was one of the College chanters, and the constant butt 
 of all both at commons and in the parlour* Harry, says 
 Ralph, dreaded so much the sight of a gun or a pair of 
 pistols, that such of his friends as did not desire too much 
 of his company kept^r e-arms to keep him at ami's length. 
 Ralph was encouraged, by some of the Fellows, he says 
 (juniors of course,) to make a serious joke out of Harry's 
 foible, and one day discharged a gun, loaded with powder, 
 at our six-feet-high Parson, as he was striding his way to 
 prayers. The powder was coarse and damp and did not 
 all burn, so that a portion of it lodged in Harry's face. 
 The fright and a little inflammation put the poor chanter 
 to bed, says Ralph. But he was not the only frightened 
 party, for we were all much alarmed lest the report should 
 reach the Vice-Chancellor's ears, and the good-tempered 
 Hal was prevailed with to be only ill. Battie and another, 
 who were not of the shooting party (the only two fellow- 
 students in physic,) were called to Hal's assistance. They 
 were not told the real state of the case, and finding his 
 pulse high, his spirits low, and his face inflamed and sprin- 
 kled with red spots, after a serious consultation they pre- 
 scribed. On retiring from the sick man's room, they were 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 109 
 
 forthwith examined on the state of the case by the impa- 
 tient plotters of the wicked deed, to whose amusement 
 both the disciples of Galen pronounced Hal's case to be 
 the black rash! This, adds Ralph, was a never-to-be-for- 
 gotten roast for Battie and Banks in Cambridge; and if 
 we may add to this, that Battie, in after life, sent his wife 
 to Bath for a dropsy, where she was shortly tapped of a 
 fine boy, it may give us a little insight into the practice of 
 physic, and induce us to say with the poet — 
 
 "Better to search in fields for wealth unbought, 
 Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught." 
 
 The same Ralph relates a humorous anecdote of 
 
 THE FATE OP THE DOCTOR'S OLD GRIZZLE WIG. 
 
 The Doctor, says Ralph, was as good a punch as he was 
 a physician, and after he settled at Uxbridge, in the latter 
 character, where he first opened his medical budget, with 
 the proceeds of his Fellowship at King's College alone to 
 depend on, Ralph took advantage of a stay in London to 
 ride over to see his old college chum and fellow -punster, 
 and reached his domus in the Doctor's absence. Ralph's 
 wig w r as the worse for a shower of rain he had rode through, 
 and, taking it off, desired the Doctor's man, William, to 
 bring him his master's old grizzle to put on, whilst he dried 
 and put a dust of powder into his. But ere this could be 
 accomplished, the Doctor returned, as fine as may be, in 
 his best tye, kept especially for visiting his patients in. 
 As soon as mutual greetings had passed, "Why, zounds, 
 Ralph," exclaimed the Doctor, "what a cursed wig you 
 have got on!" "True," said Ralph, taking it off as he 
 spoke, "it is a bad one, and if you will, as I have another 
 with me, I will toss it into the fire." "By all means," 
 said the Doctor, "for, in truth, it is a very caxonP and 
 into ike fire went the fry. The Doctor now began to skin 
 his legs, and calling his man, William, "Here," said he, 
 taking off his tye, "bring me my old wig." "Mr. Thick- 
 nesse has got it, said William. "And where is it, Ralph," 
 said the Doctor, turning upon his visiter. "Burnt, as you 
 desired; and this illustrates the spirit of all mankind," 
 
110 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 said Ralph; "we can see the shabby wig, and feel the piti- 
 ful tricks of our friends, overlooking the disorder of our 
 own wardrobes. As Horace says, 'Nil habeo quod again;' 
 — 'mind every body's business but your own."' Talking 
 of gunpowder reminds me of 
 
 TWO OTHER SHOOTING ANECDOTES. 
 
 All who know anything of either Oxford or Cambridge 
 scholars, know well enough, that their manners are not 
 only well preserved at all seasons, but that when they are 
 in a humour for sporting, it is of very little consequence 
 whether other folk preserve their manners or not. When 
 the late eccentric Joshua Waterhouse, B. D. (who was so 
 barbarously murdered a few years since by Joshua Slade, 
 in Huntingdonshire,) was a student of Catherine Hall, 
 Cambridge, of which he became a Fellow, he was a re- 
 markably strong young man, some six feet high, and not 
 easily frightened. He one day went out to shoot with 
 another man of his college, and his favourite dog, Sancho, 
 had just made his first point, when a keeper came up and 
 told Joshua to take himself off*, in no very classic English. 
 Joshua therefore declined compliance. Upon this our 
 keeper began to threaten. Joshua thereupon laid his gun 
 aside, and coolly began taking off his coat (or, as the fancy 
 would say, to peel,) observing, "I came out for a day's 
 sport, and a day's sport I'll have." Upon which our 
 keeper shot off, leaving Joshua in possession of the field, 
 from which he used to boast he carried oft" a full bag. At 
 another time 
 
 A PARTY OF OXONIANS, 
 
 Gamesomely inclined, were driving, tandem, for the neigh- 
 bourhood of Woodstock, when passing a stingy old cur, 
 yclept a country gentleman, who had treated some one of 
 the party a shabby trick, a thought struck them that now 
 was the hour for revenge. They drove in bang up style 
 to the front of the old man's mansion, and coolly told the 
 servant, that they had just seen his master, who had de- 
 sired them to say, that he was to serve them up a good 
 dinner and wine, and in the meantime show them where 
 
XUTS TO CRACK. Ill 
 
 the most game was to be found. This was done, and after 
 ring day's sport, and a full gorge of roast, baked and 
 boiled, washed down with the best ale, port and sherry, 
 the old boy's cellar could furnish, they made Brazen-nose 
 College, Oxon, 8, p.m., much delighted with the result, 
 and luckily the affair went no further, at the time at least. 
 
 BISHOP WATSON'S OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS 
 PROGRESS AT CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 "Soon after the death of my father," says this learned 
 prelate, in his Autobiography, published in 1816, "I was 
 sent to the university, and admitted a sizer of Trinity 
 College, Cambridge, on the 3d of November, 1754. I did 
 not know a single person in the university, except my 
 tutor, Mr. Backhouse, who had been my father's scholar, 
 and Mr. Preston, who had been my own school-fellow. I 
 commenced my academic studies with great eagerness, 
 from knowing that my future fortune was to be wholly of 
 my own fabricating, being certain that the slender portion 
 which my father had left to me (300/. ) would be barely 
 sufficient to carry me through my education. I had no 
 expectations from relations; indeed I had not a relative so 
 near as a first cousin in the world, except my mother, and 
 a brother and sister, who were many years older than me. 
 My mother's maiden name was Newton; she was a very 
 charitable and good woman, and I am indebted to her (I 
 mention it with filial piety) for imbuing my young mind 
 with principles of religion, which have never forsaken me. 
 Erasmus, in his little treatise, entitled Antibarbarorum, 
 says, that the safety of states depend upon three things, a 
 proper or improper education of the prince, upon public 
 preachers, and upon school-masters; and he might with 
 equal reason have added, upon mothers; for the code of 
 the mother precedes that of the school -master, and may 
 stamp upon the rasa tabula of the infant mind, characters 
 of virtue and religion which no time can efface. Perceiv- 
 ing that the sizers were not so respectfully looked upon 
 by the pensioners and scholars of the house as they ought 
 
112 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 to have been, inasmuch as the most learned and leading 
 men of the university have even arisen from that order 
 [Magister Artis ingenique largitor venter,) I offered my- 
 self for a scholarship a year before the usual time of the 
 sizers sitting, and succeeded on the 2nd of May, 1757. 
 This step increased my expenses in college, but it was 
 attended with a great advantage. It was the occasion of 
 my being particularly noticed by Br. Smith, the master of 
 the college. He was, from the examination he gave me, 
 so well satisfied with the progress I had made in my stu- 
 dies, that out of the sixteen who were elected scholars, he ■ 
 appointed me to a particular one (Lady Jermyn's) then 
 vacant, and in his own disposal; not, he said to me, as 
 being better than other scholarships, but as a mark of his 
 approbation; he recommended Saundersori* s Fluxions, 
 then just published, and some other mathematical books, 
 to my perusal, and gave, in a word, a spur to my industry, 
 and wings to my ambition. I had, at the time of my being 
 elected a scholar, been resident in college two years and 
 seven months, without having gone out of it for a single 
 day. During that period I had acquired some knowledge 
 of Hebrew, greatly improved myself in Greek and Latin, 
 made consideaable progress in mathematics and natural 
 philosophy, and studied with much attention Locke's 
 works, King's book on the Origin of Evil, Puffendorf 's 
 Treatise Be Officio Hominis et Civis, and some other books 
 on similar subjects; I thought myself, therefore, entitled 
 to some little relaxation. Under this persuasion I set for- 
 ward, May 30, 1757, to pay my elder and only brother a 
 visit at Kendal. He was the first curate of the New Cha- 
 pel there, to the structure of which he had subscribed libe- 
 rally. He was a man of lively parts, but being thrown 
 into a situation where there was no great room for the dis- 
 play of his talents, and much temptation to convivial fes- 
 tivity, he spent his fortune, injured his constitution, and 
 died when I was about the age of thirty-three, leaving a 
 considerable debt, all of which I paid immediately, though 
 it took almost my all to do it. My mind did not much 
 relish the country, at least it did not relish the life I led in 
 that country town; the constant reflection that I was 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 115 
 
 idling away my time mixed itself with every amusement, 
 and poisoned all the pleasures I had promised myself from 
 the visit; I therefore took a hasty resolution of shortening 
 it, and returned to college in the beginning of September, 
 with a determined purpose to make my Mma Mater the 
 mother of my fortunes. T7iat t I well remember, was the 
 expression I used to myself, as soon as I saw the turrets 
 of King's College Chapel, as I was jogging on a jaded nag 
 between Huntingdon and Cambridge. I was then only a 
 Junior Soph; jet two of my acquaintances, the year below 
 me, thought that I knew so much more of mathematics than 
 they did, that they importuned me to become their private 
 tutor. I undoubtedly wished to have had my time to my- 
 self, especially till I had taken my degree; but the nar- 
 rowness of my circumstances, accompanied with a disposi- 
 tion to improve, or, more properly speaking, with a desire 
 to appear respectable, induced me to comply with their 
 request. From that period, for above thirty years of my 
 life, and as long as my health lasted, a considerable portion 
 of my time was spent in instructing others without much 
 instructing myself, or in presiding at disputations in phi- 
 losophy or theology, from which, after a certain time, I 
 derived little intellectual improvement. Whilst I was an 
 under-graduate, I kept a great deal of what is called the 
 best company — that is, of idle fellow-commoners, and 
 other persons of fortune — but their manners never sub- 
 dued my prudence; I had strong ambition to be distin- 
 guished, and was sensible that wealth might plead some 
 excuse for idleness, extravagance and folly in others; the 
 want of wealth could plead more for me. When I used 
 to be returning to my room at one or two in the morning, 
 after spending a jolly evening, I often observed a light in 
 the chamber of one of the same standing with myself; this 
 never failed to excite my jealousy, and the next day was 
 always a day of hard study. I have gone without my din- 
 ner a hundred times on such occasions. I thought I never 
 entirely understood a proposition in any part of mathema- 
 tics or natural philosophy, till I was able, in a solitary 
 walk, obstipo capite atque ex porrecto labello, to draw the 
 scheme in my head, and go through every step of the de- 
 
 i& 
 
114 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 monstration without book, or pen and paper. I found this 
 was a very difficult task, especially in some of the per- 
 plexed schemes and long demonstrations of the twelfth 
 Book of Euclid, and in DHopitaVs Conic Sections, and in 
 Nevjtorts Principia. My walks for this purpose were so 
 frequent, that my tutor, not knowing what I was about, 
 once reproved me for being a lounger. I never gave up a 
 difficult point in a demonstration till I had made it out 
 proprio marte; I have been stopped at a single step for 
 three days. This perseverance in accomplishing what- 
 ever I undertook, was, during the whole of my active life, 
 a striking feature in my character. But though I stuck 
 close to abstract studies, I did not neglect other things; I 
 every week imposed upon myself a task of composing a 
 theme or declamation in Latin or English. 1 generally 
 studied mathematics in the morning, and classics in the 
 afternoon; and used to get by heart such parts of orations, 
 either in Latin or Greek, as particularly pleased me. De- 
 mosthenes was the orator, Tacitus the historian, and Per- 
 sius the satirist whom I most admired. I have mentioned 
 this mode of study, not as thinking there was any thing 
 extraordinary in it, since there were many under-graduates 
 then, and have always been many in the University of 
 Cambridge, and, for aught I know, in Oxford, too, who 
 have taken greater pains. But I mention it because I feel 
 a complacence in the recollections of days long since hap- 
 pily spent, hoc est vivere bis vita posse priori frui, and 
 indulge in a hope, that the perusal of what I have written 
 may chance to drive away the spirit of indolence and dis- 
 sipation from young men; especially from those who enter 
 the world with slender means, as I did. In January, 1759, 
 I took my Bachelor of Arts' degree. The taking of this 
 first degree is a great era in academic life; it is that to 
 which all the under-graduates of talent and diligence direct 
 their attention. There is no seminary of learning in Eu- 
 pc in which youth are more zealous to excel during the 
 first years of their education than in the University of 
 Cambridge. I was the second wrangler of my year. In 
 September, 1759, I sat for a Fellowship. At that time 
 there never had been an instance of a Fellow being elected 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 115 
 
 from among the junior Bachelors. The Master told me 
 this as an apology for my not being elected, and bade me 
 be contented till the next year. On the 1st of October, 
 1760, I was elected a Fellow of Trinity College, and put 
 over the head of two of my seniors of the same year, who 
 were, however, elected the next year. The old Master, 
 whose memory I have ever revered, when he had done 
 examining me, paid me this compliment, which was from 
 him a great one: — £ You have done your duty to the Col- 
 lege; it remains for the College to do theirs to you.' I 
 was elected the next day, and became assistant tutor to 
 Mr. Backhouse in the following November." Every body 
 knows his subsequent career embraced his appointment to 
 the several dignified University offices of Tutor, Mode- 
 rator, Professor of Chemistry, and Regius Professor of 
 Divinity, and that he died Bishop of Llandaff. I may 
 here, as an apposite tail piece, add from Meadley's Lite 
 of that celebrated scholar and divine, 
 
 PALEY'S SKETCH OF HIS EARLY ACADEMICAL LIFE. 
 
 In the year 1795, during one of his visits to Cambridge, 
 Dr. Paley, in the course of a conversation on the subject, 
 gave the following account of the early part of his own 
 academical life; and it is here given on the authority and 
 in the very words of a gentleman who was present at the 
 time, as a striking instance of the peculiar frankness with 
 which he was in the habit of relating adventures of his 
 youth. "I spent the two first years of my under-gradu- 
 ateship (said he) happily, but unprofitably. I was con- 
 stantly in society where we were not immoral, but idle 
 and rather expensive. At the commencement of my third 
 year, however, after having left the usual party at rather 
 a late hour in the evening, I was awakened at five in the 
 morning by one of my companions, who stood at my bed- 
 side and said, 'Paley, I have been thinking what a d — d 
 fool you are. I could do nothing, probably, were I to try, 
 and can afford the life I lead: you can do every thing, and 
 cannot afford it. I have had no sleep during the whole 
 night on account of these reflections, and am now come 
 solemnly to inform you, that, if you persist in your indo- 
 
116 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 lence, I must renounce your society. I was so struck 
 (continued Paley) with the visit and the visiter, that I lay 
 in bed great part of the day and formed my plan: I order- 
 ed my bed-maker to prepare my fire every evening, in 
 order that it might be lighted by myself; I rose at live, 
 read during the whole of the day, except such hours as 
 chapel and hall required, allotting each portion of time its 
 peculiar branch of study; and, just before the closing of 
 gates (nine o'clock) I went to a neighbouring coffee-house, 
 where I constantly regaled upon a mutton-chop and a dose 
 of milk punch: and thus on taking my bachelor's degree, 
 I became senior wrangler." He, too, filled the trust- 
 worthy and dignified office of Tutor of his College, and de- 
 served, though he did not die in possession of, a bishopric. 
 
 THE LOUNGER. BY AN OXONIAN. 
 
 I rise about nine, get to breakfast by ten, 
 Blow a tune on my flute, or perhaps make a pen; 
 Read a play till eleven, or cock my laced hat; 
 Then step to my neighbours, till dinner, to chat. 
 Dinner over, to Tom's, or to James's 1 go, 
 The news of the town so impatient to know, 
 While Law, Locke and Newton, and all the rum race, 
 That talk of their nodes, their ellipses, and space, 
 The seat of the soul, and new systems on high, 
 In holes, as abstruse as their mysteries, lie. 
 From the coffee-house then I to Tennis away, 
 And at five I post back to my College to pray; 
 I sup before eight, and secure from all duns, 
 Undauntedly march to the Mitre or Thins; 
 Where in punch or good claret my sorrows I drown, 
 And toss off a bowl "To the best in the town:" 
 At one in the morning I call what's to pay, 
 Then home to my College I stagger away; 
 Thus I tope all the night, as I trifle all day. 
 
 AN OXFORD HOAX AND A PURITAN DETECTED. 
 
 A certain Oxford D.D. at the head of a college, lately 
 expected a party of maiden ladies, his sisters and others, 
 to visit him from the country. They were strangers in 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 117 
 
 Oxford, therefore, like another Bayard, he was anxious to 
 meet them on their arrival and gallant them to his College. 
 This, however, was to him, so little accustomed to do the 
 polite to the ladies, an absolute event, and it naturally 
 formed his prime topic of conversation for a month pre- 
 viously. This provoked some of the Fellows of his Col- 
 lege to put a hoax upon him, the most forward in which 
 
 w r as one Mr. H , a puritan forsooth. Accordingly, a 
 
 note was concocted and sent to the Doctor, in the name of 
 the ladies, announcing, that they had arrived at the Inn 
 in Oxford. u The Inn!" exclaimed the Doctor, on pe- 
 rusing it; "Good God! how am I to know the Inn?" 
 However, after due preparation, oft* he set, in full canon- 
 icals, hunting for his belles and the Inn ! The Star, Mitre, 
 Angel, all were searched; at last, the Doctor, both tired 
 and irritated, began to smell a rat! The idea of a hoax 
 flashed upon his mind; he hurried to his lodgings, at his 
 College, where the whole truth flashed upon him like a 
 neiv light, and the window of his room being open, which 
 overlooked the Fellows' garden, he saw a group of them 
 rubbing their hands in high glee, and the ringleader, Mr. 
 
 H , in the midst: he was so roused at the sight, that, 
 
 leaning from the window, he burst out with — "H ! 
 
 you puritanical son of a bitch!" It is needless to add, 
 that the words, acting like a charm, quickly dissolved their 
 council: but the Doctor, too amiable to remember what 
 was not meant as an affront, himself afterwards both joined 
 in and enjoyed the laugh created by the joke. 
 
 MORE THAN ONE GOOD SAYING 
 
 Is attributed to the non-juring divine, celebrated son of 
 Oxon, and excellent English historian, Thomas Carte, who, 
 falling under the suspicions of the Government, as a fa- 
 vourer of the Pretender, was imprisoned at the time the 
 Habeas Corpus Act was suspended, in 1744. Whilst 
 under examination by the Privy Council, the celebrated 
 Duke of Newcastle, then minister, asked him, "If he were 
 not a bishop?" "No, my Lord Duke," replied Carte- 
 
118 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 "there are no bishops in England, but what are made by 
 your Grace; and I am sure I have no reason to expect that 
 honour. " Walking, soon after he was liberated, in the 
 streets of London, during a heavy shower of rain, he was 
 plied with, "A coach, your reverence?" "No, honest 
 friend," was his answer, "this is not a reign for me to 
 ride in. " 
 
 HORACE WALPOLE A SAINT. 
 
 Cole says, in his Athene Cant., that Horace Walpole 
 latterly lived and died a Sceptic; but when a student at 
 King's College, Cambridge, he was of "a religious enthu- 
 siastic turn of mind, and used to go with Ashton (the late 
 Dr., Master of Jesus College,) his then great friend, to 
 pray with the prisoners in the castle." Dyer gives the 
 following poetical version of 
 
 A CAMBRIDGE CONUNDRUM, 
 
 In his Supplement, on Doctors Long, Short, and Askew: — 
 
 A r 
 What's Doctor, and Dr., and P° c writ sol 
 Doctor Long, Doctor Short, and Doctor Askew. 
 
 A BISHOP'S INTEREST. 
 
 Bishop Porteus said of himself, when holding the See of 
 Chester, that he "had not interest enough to command a 
 Cheshire cheese." 
 
 OXFORD FAMOUS FOR ITS SOPHISTS. 
 
 "For sophistry, such as you may call corrupt and vain," 
 says Wood, in the first volume of his Annals, "which we 
 had derived from the Parisians, Oxford hath in ancient 
 time been very famous, especially when many thousands 
 of students were in her, equalling, if not exceeding, that 
 university from whence they had it; a token of which, with 
 its evil consequences, did lately remain, — I mean the qua^ 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 119 
 
 dragesimall exercises, which were seldom performed, or at 
 least finished vrithout the help of Mars. In the reign of 
 Henry the Third, and before, the schools were much pol- 
 luted with it, and became so notorious, that it corrupted 
 other arts; and so would it afterwards have continued, 
 had it not been corrected by public authority for the pre- 
 sent, though in following times it increased much again, 
 that it could not be rooted out. Some there were that 
 wrote, others that preached against it, demonstrating the 
 evil consequences thereof, and the sad end of those that 
 delighted in it. Jacobus Januensis reports that one Mr. 
 Silo, a Master of the University of Paris, and Professor of 
 Logic, had a scholar there, with whom he was very fami- 
 liar: and being excellent in the art of sophistry, spared 
 not all occasions, whether festival or other day, to study 
 it. This sophister being sick, and almost brought to 
 death's door, Master Silo earnestly desired him, that after 
 his death he w r ould return to him and give him information 
 concerning his state, and how it fared with him. The 
 sophister dying, returned according to promise, with his 
 hood stuffed with notes of sophistry, and the inside lined 
 with flaming fire, telling him, that that was the reward 
 which he had bestowed upon him for the renown he had 
 before for sophistry; but Mr. Silo esteeming it a small 
 punishment, stretched out his hand towards him, on which 
 a drop or spark of the said fire falling, was very soon 
 pierced through with terrible pain; which accident the 
 defunct or ghost beholding, told Silo, that he need not 
 wonder at that small matter, for he was burning in that 
 manner all over. Is it so? (saith Silo) well, well, I know 
 what I have to do. Whereupon, resolving to leave the 
 world, and enter himself into religion, called his scholars 
 about him, took his leave of, and dismissed them with 
 these metres: — 
 
 'Linquo coax* ranis, crast corvis, vanaquei vanis, 
 Ad Logicam pergo, que mortis non timet§ ergo.' 
 
 * Luxuriam scil. luxuriosis, vel potius rixas sophistis. 
 
 t Avaritiam scil. avaris. 
 
 t Superbiam pomposis. 
 
 § Religionem ubi bene viventi non timetur stimulus mortis. 
 
120 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Which said story coming to the knowledge of certain Oxo- 
 nians, about the year 1 173 (as an obscure note which I 
 have seen tells me,) it fell out, that as one of them was 
 answering for his degree in his school, which he had hired, 
 the opponent dealt so maliciously with him, that he stood 
 up and spake before the auditory thus: 'Profecto, profecto, 
 &c. ? 'Truly, truly, sir sophister, if you proceed thus, I 
 protest before this assembly I will not answer; pray, sir, 
 remember Mr. Silo's scholar at Paris,'— intimating there- 
 by, that if he did not cease from vain babblings, purgatory, 
 or a greater punishment, should be his end. Had such 
 examples been often tendered to them (adds Wood, with 
 real bowels of compassion,) as they were to the Parisians, 
 especially that which happened to one Simon Churney, or 
 Thurney, or Tourney (Fuller says, Thurway, a Cornish 
 man,) an English Theologist there (who was suddenly 
 struck dumb, because he vainly gloried that he, in his dis- 
 putations, could be equally for or against the Divine truth,) 
 it might have worked more on their affections; but this 
 being a single relation, it could not long be wondered at. ?? 
 After these logical marvels, Anthony gives us the follow- 
 ing instance of 
 
 A VICE-CHANCELLOR'S BEING LACONIC. 
 
 "Dr. Prideaux, when he resigned the office of Yice- 
 Chancellor, 22nd July, 1626 (which is never done without 
 an oration spoken from the chair in the convocation, con- 
 taining for the most part an account of the acts done in 
 the time of their magistrateship,) spoke only the aforesaid 
 metres, 'Linquo coax, 5 &c, supposing there was more 
 matter in them than the best speech he could make, frus- 
 trating thereby the great hopes of the Academicians of an 
 eloquent oration." 
 
 4 'Oxford hath been so famous for sophistry, and hath 
 used such a particular way in the reading and learning it," 
 adds Wood, in treating of the schools, "that it hath often 
 been styled — 
 
 'SOPHISTRIA SECUNDUM USUM OX ON.' 
 So famous, also, for subtlety of logicians, that no place 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 121 
 
 hath excelled it." This great subtlety, however, would 
 seem, in a degree, to have departed from our sister of Ox- 
 ford in 1532, when, they say, 
 
 TWO PERT OXONIANS 
 
 Took a journey to Cambridge, and challenged any to dis- 
 
 {mte with them there, in the public schools, on the two 
 bllowing questions: — "An jus Civile sit Medicina prae- 
 stctntius?" In English as much as to say, Wliich does 
 most execution. Civil Law or Medicine? — a nice point, 
 truly. But the other formed the subject of serious argu- 
 mentation, and ran thus: — "An mulier condemnata, bis 
 ruptis loqueis, sit tertio suspendenda?" Ridley, the Bishop 
 and martyr, then a young man, student or Fellow of Pem- 
 broke Hall, Cambridge, is said to have been one of the 
 opponents on this interesting occasion, and administered 
 thejlagellae lingua with such happy effect to one of these 
 pert pretenders to logic lore, that the other durst not set 
 his wit upon him, The Oxford sophistry had so much 
 
 CORRUPTED THE LATIN TONGUE 
 
 There, says Wood, that the purity thereof being lost among 
 the scholars, * 'their speaking became barbarous, and de- 
 rived so constantly to their successors, that barbarous 
 speaking of Latin was commonly styled by many 
 
 'Oxoniensis loquenti mos.' 
 
 The Latin of the schools, in the present day, is none of 
 the purest at either University. A certain Cambridge 
 Divine, a Professor, who was a senior wrangler, and is 
 justly celebrated for his learning and great ability, one 
 day presiding at an act in Arts, upon a dog straying into 
 the school, and putting in for a share of the logic with a 
 howl at the audience, the Moderator exclaimed, " Verte 
 canem ex." There have, however, been fine displays of 
 pure Latinity in the schools of both; and it appears 
 
 THE OXONIANS SURPASSED ARISTOTLE 
 At a very early period, not only in the art of logic itself, 
 
 K 
 
122 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 but in their manner of applying it: for in the beginning of 
 1517, says Wood, about the latter end of Lent (a fatal 
 time for the most part to the Oxonians,) a sore discord fell 
 out between the Cistercian and Benedictine monks, con- 
 cerning several philosophical points discussed by them in 
 the schools. But their arguments being at length flung 
 aside, they decided the controversy by blows, which, with 
 sore scandal, continued a considerable time. At length 
 the Benedictines rallying up what forces they could pro- 
 cure, they beset the Cistercians, and by force of arms made 
 them fly and betake themselves to their hostels. In fact, 
 he says, by the use of logic, and the trivial arts, the Oxford 
 sophists, in the time of Lent, broke the king's peace, so 
 that the University privileges were several times suspend- 
 ed, and in danger of being lessened or taken away. 
 Through the corrupt use of it, "the Parva Logicalia, and 
 other * minute matters of Aristotle, many things of that 
 noble author have been so changed from their original, by 
 the screwing in and adding many impertinent things, that 
 Tho. Nashe (in his book, 'Have at you to Saffron Wal- 
 den,') hath verily thought, that if Aristotle had risen out 
 of his grave, and disputed with the sophisters, they would 
 not only have baffled him with their sophistry, but with his 
 own logic, which they had disguised, and he composed 
 without any impurity or corruption. It may well be said, 
 that in this day they have done no more than what Tom 
 Nashe's beloved Dick Harvey did afterwards at Cam- 
 bridge, that is to say, 
 
 HE SET ARISTOTLE WITH HIS HEELS UPWARDS 
 ON THE SCHOOL GATES, 
 
 With ass's ears on his head, — a thing that Tom would 'in 
 perpetuam rei memoriam,' record and never have done 
 with. Wilson, in his Memorabilia Cantabrigise^ says of 
 this said Tom Nash, that he was educated at St. John's 
 College, Cambridge, where he resided seven years, was 
 at the fatal repast of the pickled herrings with the poet 
 Green, and, in 1597, was either confined or otherwise 
 troubled for a comedy on the Isle of Dogs (extant in the 
 MSS. of Oldys,) though he wrote but the first act, and 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 123 
 
 the players without his knowledge supplied the rest. He 
 was a man of humour, a bitter satirist, and no contemptible 
 poet; and more effectually discouraged and non-plused 
 the notorious anti-prelate and astrologer, Will Harvey, 
 and his adherents, than all the serious writers that attacked 
 them. There is a good character of him, says Oldys, in 
 The return from Parnassus, or Scourge of Simony, which 
 was publicly acted by the students of St. John's, in 1606, 
 wherein 
 
 THEY FIRST EXEMPLIFIED THE ART OF CUTTING, 
 
 An elegant term, that is in equal request at the sister uni- 
 versity, as w r ell as amongst the coxcombs of the day, adds 
 Wilson, though the members of St. John's are celebrated 
 for the origin of the term "to cut," — i. e. "to look an old 
 friend in the face, and affect not to know him," which is 
 the cut direct. Those who would be more deeply read in 
 this art, which has been greatly improved since the days 
 in which it originated, will find it at large in the Gradus 
 ad Cantabrigiam. 
 
 CROMWELL'S SOLDIERS AT A DISPUTATION AT 
 OXFORD. 
 
 It was a custom of Dr. Kettel, w r hile President of Trinity 
 College, Oxford (says Tom Warton, citing the MSS. of 
 Dr. Bathurst, in his Appendix to his Life of Sir Thomas 
 Pope,) "to attend daily the disputations in the college- 
 hall, on which occasions he constantly wore a large black 
 furred muff. Before him stood an hour-glass, brought by 
 himself into the hall, and placed on the table, for ascer- 
 taining the time of the continuance of the exercise, which 
 was to last an hour at least. One morning, after Crom- 
 well's soldiers had taken possession of Oxford, a halberdier 
 rushed into the hall during this controversy, and plucking 
 off our venerable Doctor's muff, threw it in his face, and 
 then, with a stroke of his halberd, broke the hour-glass in 
 pieces. The Doctor, though old and infirm, instantly 
 seized the soldier by the collar, who was soon overpower- 
 
124 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 ed, by the assistance of the disputants. The halberd was 
 carried out of the hall in triumph before the Doctor; but 
 the prisoner, with his halberd, was quickly rescued by a 
 party of soldiers, who stood at the bottom of the hall, and 
 had enjoyed the whole transaction." It was in the grove 
 of this college, during Monmouth's Rebellion of 1685, that 
 Sir Philip Bertie, a younger son of Robert Earl of Lind- 
 say, who was a member of Trinity College, and had 
 spoken a copy of verses in the theatre at Oxford, in 1683, 
 to the Duke and Dutchess of York, &c, trained a com- 
 pany, chiefly of his own college, of which he was captain, 
 in the militia of the university. 
 
 TROOPS BEING RAISED BY THE UNIVERSITY OP 
 OXFORD, 
 
 Says Warton, in Monmouth's Rebellion. It reminds me 
 of a curious anecdote concerning Smith's famous Ode, en- 
 titled Pocockius, which I give from MS3., Cod. Balland, 
 vol. xix. Lit. 104: — "The University raised a regiment for 
 the King's service, and Christ Church and Jesus' Colleges 
 made one company, of which Lord Morris, since Earl of 
 Abingdon, was captain, who presented Mr. Urry (the 
 editor of Chaucer,) a corporal (serjeant) therein, with a 
 halberd. Upon Dr. Pocock's death, Mr. Urry lugged 
 Captain Rag (Smith) into his chamber in Peckwater, 
 locked him in, put the key in his pocket, and ordered his 
 bed -maker to supply him with necessaries through the win- 
 dow, and told him he should not come out till he made 
 
 A COPY OF VERSES ON THE DOCTOR'S DEATH. 
 
 The sentence being irreversible, the captain made the Ode, 
 and sent it, with his epistle, to Mr. Urry, who thereupon 
 had his release." "The epistle here mentioned," adds 
 Tom, "is a ludicrous prose analysis of the Ode, beginning 
 Opusculum tuum, Halberdarie amplissime," &'c, and is 
 printed in the fourth volume of Dr. Johnson's English 
 Poets, who pronounces it unequalled by modern writers. 
 This same Oxonian, Smith, had obtained the soubriquet of 
 
 CAPTAIN RAG 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 125 
 
 By his negligence of dress. He was bred at Westminster 
 School, under Doctor Busby; and it is to be remembered, 
 for his honour, "that, when at the Westminster election 
 he stood a candidate for one of the universities, he so sig- 
 nally distinguished himself by his conspicuous perform- 
 ances, that there arose no small contention between the 
 representatives of Trinity College in Cambridge, and 
 Christ Church in Oxon, which of those two royal societies 
 should adopt him as their own. But the electors of Trinity 
 having a preference of choice that year, they resolutely 
 elected him; who yet, being invited the same time to 
 Christ Church, he chose to accept of a studentship there." 
 
 THE THREE DAINTY MORSELS. 
 
 When our learned Oxonian, Dr. Johnson, was on his 
 tour in the Hebrides, accompanied by Bozzy, as Peter 
 Pindar has it, says an American writer, they had one day 
 travelled so far without refreshment, that the Doctor began 
 to growl in his best manner. Upon this Bozzy hastened 
 to a cottage at a distance, ordered a dinner, and was lucky 
 in obtaining the choice of a roast leg of mutton and the 
 Doctor's favourite plum-pudding. Upon reaching the 
 house, the appetite of the latter drove him into the kitchen 
 to inspect progress, where he saw a boy basting the meat, 
 from whose head he conceited he saw something descend, 
 by the force of gravity, into the dripping-pan. The meat 
 was at length served up, and Bozzy attacked it with great 
 glee, exclaiming, "My dear Doctor, do let me help you to 
 some, — brown as a berry, — done to a turn." The Doctor 
 said he w r ould wait for the pudding, chuckling with equal 
 glee, whilst Bozzy nearly devoured the whole joint. The 
 pudding at length came, done to a turn too, which the 
 Doctor in his turn greedily devoured, without so much as 
 asking Bozzy to a bit. After he had wiped his mouth, and 
 begun to compose himself, Bozzy entreated to know what 
 he was giggling about whilst he eat the mutton? The 
 Doctor clapped his hands to both sides for support, as he 
 told him what he saw in the kitchen. Bozzy thereupon 
 k 2 
 
126 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 begun to exhibit sundry qualms and queer faces, and call- 
 ing in the boy, exclaimed, "You rascal, why did you not 
 cover your dirty head with your cap when basting the 
 meat?" "'Cause mother took it to boil the pudding in!" 
 said the urchin. The tables were turned. The Doctor 
 stared aghast, stamped, and literally roared, with a voice 
 of thunder, that if Bozzy ever named the circumstance to 
 any one, it should bring down upon him his eternal dis- 
 pleasure ! The following, not very dissimilar anecdote, is 
 told of a Cantab, who was once out hunting till his appe- 
 tite became as keen as the Doctor's, and, like his, drove 
 him to the nearest cottage. The good dame spread before 
 him and his friend the contents of her larder, which she 
 described as "a meat pie, made of odds and ends, the 
 remnant of their own frugal meal." "Any thing is better 
 than nothing," cried the half famished Cantab, "so let us 
 have it — ha, Bob." Bob, who was another Cantab, his 
 companion, nodded assent. No sooner was the savoury 
 morsel placed before him, than he commenced operations, 
 and greedily swallowed mouthful after mouthful, exclaim- 
 ing, "Charming! I never tasted a more delicious morsel 
 in my life ! But what have we here?" said he, as he suck- 
 ed something he held in both hands; ''Fish, as well as 
 flesh, my good woman?" "Fish!" cried the old dame, as 
 she turned from her washing to eye our sportsman, "why, 
 Lord bless ye, i' that bean't our Billy's comb!" The 
 effect was not a little ludicrous on our hungry Cantab, 
 whilst Bob's "Haw! haw! haw!" might have been heard 
 from the Thames Tunnel to Nootka Sound. 
 
 ANSWERED IN KIND. 
 
 Why should we smother a good thing with mystifying 
 dashes, instead of plain English high-sounding names, 
 when the subject is of "honourable men?" "Recte facta 
 referL" — Horace forbid it! The learned Chancery Bar- 
 rister, John Bell, K.C., "the Great Bell of Lincoln," as 
 he has been aptly called, was Senior Wrangler, on gradu- 
 ating B.A., at Trinity College, Cambridge, in 1786, with 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 127 
 
 many able competitors for that honour. He is likewise 
 celebrated, as every body knows, for writing three several 
 hands ; one only he himself can read, another nobody but 
 his clerk can read, and a third neither himself, clerk, nor 
 any body else can read ! It was in the latter hand he one 
 day wrote to his legal contemporary and friend, the pre- 
 sent Sir Launcelot Shadwell, Vice-Chancellor of England 
 (who is likewise a Cantab, and graduated in 1800 at St. 
 John's College, of which he became a Fellow, with the 
 double distinction of Seventh Wrangler and Second Chan- 
 cellor's Medallist) inviting him to dinner. Sir Launcelot, 
 finding all his attempts to decipher the note about as vain 
 as the wise men found theirs to unravel the Cabalistic cha- 
 racters of yore, took a sheet of paper, and having smeared 
 it over with ink, he folded and sealed it, and sent it as his 
 answer. The receipt of it staggered even the Great Bell 
 of Lincoln, and after breaking the seal, and eyeing and 
 turning it round and round, he hurried to Mr. Shad well's 
 chambers with it, declaring he could make nothing of it. 
 "Nor I of your note," retorted Mr. S. "My dear fellow," 
 exclaimed Mr. B. , taking his own letter in his hand, is not 
 this, as plain as can be, "Dear Shadwell, I shall be glad 
 to see you at dinner to-day." "And is not this equally 
 as plain," said Mr. S., pointing to his own paper, "My 
 dear Bell, I shall be happy to come and dine with you." 
 
 POWERS OF DIGESTION. 
 
 In both Oxford and Cambridge the cooks are restricted 
 to a certain sum each term, beyond which the college will 
 not protect them in their demand upon the students. All 
 else are extras, and are included in "sizings" in Cam- 
 bridge; in Oxford the term is "to battel." The head of a 
 college in the latter university, not long since, sent for 
 Mr. P , one of his society, who had batteled much be- 
 yond the allowance; and after Mr. P had endeavour- 
 ed to excuse himself on the ground of appetite, turning to 
 the account, the Rector observed, "meat for breakfast, 
 meat for lunch, meat for dinner, meat for supper, 51 and 
 
128 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 looking up in the face of the dismayed student, he ex- 
 claimed, with his Welsh accent, "Christ Jesus ! Mr. P , 
 
 what guts you must have." This reminds me of 
 
 A CAMBRIDGE D.D., 
 
 Now no more, who is said to have been a great gourmand, 
 and weighed something less than thirty stone, but not 
 much. At the college table, where our D.D. daily took 
 his meal, in order that he might the better put his hand 
 upon the dainty morsels, being very corpulent, he caused 
 a piece to be scooped out, to give him a fair chance. His 
 chair was also so placed, that his belly was three inches 
 from the table at sitting down, and when he had eaten till 
 he touched it, his custom was to lay down his knife and 
 fork and desist, lest, by eating too much, any dangerous 
 malady should ensue. A waggish Fellow of his college, 
 however, one day removed his chair double the distance 
 from the table, which the doctor not observing, began to 
 eat as usual. After taking more than his quantum, and 
 finding that he was still an inch or two from the goal, he 
 threw down his knife and fork in despair, exclaiming, he 
 "was sure he was going to die;" but having explained the 
 reason, he was relieved of his fears on hearing the joke 
 had been played him. 
 
 THE INSIDE PASSENGER. 
 
 Every Cantab of the nineteenth century must remember 
 our friend Smith of the Blue Boar, Trinity Street, cha- 
 rioteer of that now defunct vehicle and pair which used to 
 ply between Cambridge, New-market, and Bury St. Ed- 
 munds, and on account of its celerity, and other marked 
 qualities, was called " The Slow and Dirty" by Freshman, 
 Soph, Bachelor, and Big-wig, now metamorphosed into a 
 handsome four-in-hand, over which our friend Smith pre- 
 sides in a style worthy of the Club itself! He had one 
 day, in olden time, pulled up at Botsham, midway between 
 Newmarket and Cambridge, when there happened to be 
 several Cantabs on the road, who were refreshing their 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 129 
 
 nags at the "self-same" inn, the Swan, at which the Slow 
 and Dirty made its daily halt. "Any passengers?" in- 
 quired Smith. "One inside," said a Cambridge wag, 
 standing by, whose eye was the moment caught by a young 
 ass feeding on the nettles in a neighbouring nook. Having 
 put his fellows up to the joke, Smith was invited in-doors 
 and treated with a glass of grog; meanwhile, my gentle- 
 man with the long ears was popped inside the coach. 
 Smith coming out, inquired after his passenger, whom he 
 supposed one of his friends, the Can tabs, and learnt he 
 Mas housed. "All right," said Smith, and off he drove, 
 followed quickly by our wag and party on horseback, who 
 determined to be in at the denouement. Smith had not 
 made much way, when our inside passenger, not finding 
 himself in clover, popped his head out at one of the coach 
 windows. The spectacle attracted the notice of many 
 bipeds as they passed along; Smith, however, notwith- 
 standing their laughter, "kept the even tenor of his way." 
 At Barnwell the boys huzzaed with more than their usual 
 greetings, but still Smith kept on, unconscious of the 
 cause. He no sooner made Jesus' Lane, than crowds be- 
 gan to follow in his wake, and he dashed into the Blue- 
 Boar yard with a tail more numerous than that upon the 
 shoulders of which Dan O'Connell rode into the first Re- 
 formed Parliament, Feargus included. Down w r ent the 
 reins, as the ostlers came to the head of his smoking j9rads, 
 and Smith was in a moment at the coach door, with one 
 hand instinctively upon the latch, and the other raised to 
 his hat, when the whole truth flashed upon his astonished 
 eyes, and Balaam was safely landed, amidst peals of 
 laughter, in which our friend Smith was not the least up- 
 roarious. 
 
 PALEY'S CELEBRATED SCHOOL ACT. 
 
 When Paley, in 1762, kept his act in the schools, pre- 
 viously to his entering the senate -house, to contend for 
 mathematical honours, it was under the moderators, Dr. 
 John Jebb, the famous physician and advocate of reform in 
 
130 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 church and state, and the learned Dr. Richard Watson, 
 late Bishop of Llandaft*. Johnson's Questiones Philo- 
 sophicse was the book then commonly resorted to in the 
 university for subjects usually disputed of in the schools; 
 and he fixed upon two questions, in addition to his mathe- 
 matical one, which to his knowledge had never before been 
 subjects of disputation. The one was against Capital 
 Punishments; the other against the Eternity of Hell Tor- 
 ments. As soon, however, as it came to the knowledge of 
 the heads of the university that Paley had proposed such 
 questions to the moderators, knowing his abilities, though 
 young, lest it should give rise to a controversial spirit, the 
 master of his college, Dr. Thomas, was requested to inter- 
 fere and put a stop to the proceeding, which he did, and 
 Bishop Watson thus records the fact in his Autobiogra- 
 phy: — "Paley had brought me, for one of the questions he 
 meant for his act, JEternitas psenarum contradicit Divinis 
 Attributis! The Eternity of Hell Torments contrary to 
 the Divine Attributes. I had accepted it. A few days 
 afterwards he came to me in a great fright, saying, that 
 the master of his college, Dr. Thomas, Dean of Ely, in- 
 sisted on his not keeping on such a question. I readily 
 permitted him to change it, and told him that, if it would 
 lessen his master's apprehensions, he might put a 'nori 9 
 before 'contradicit? making the question, The Eternity of 
 Hell Torments not contrary to the Divine Attributes: and 
 he did so." In the following month of January he was 
 senior wrangler. 
 
 HE WAS NOT FOND OF CLASSICAL STUDIES, 
 
 And used to declare he could read no Latin author with 
 pleasure but Virgil: yet when the members' prize was 
 awarded to him for a Latin prose essay, in 1765, which he 
 had illustrated with English notes , he was, strange enough, 
 though his disregard of the classics was well known, sus- 
 pected of being the author of the Latin only. The reverse 
 was probably nearer the truth. It is notorious that 
 
 HE WAS NOT SKILLED IN PROSODY; 
 And when, in 1795, he proceeded to D.D., after being 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 131 
 
 made Sub-Dean of Lincoln, he, in the delivery of his de- 
 nim, pronounced profugus profugus, which gave some 
 Cambridge wag occasion to fire at him the following epi- 
 gram: — 
 
 "Italiain, fato profugus, Lavinaque venit 
 Litora; ***** 
 Errat Virgilius, forte profugus erat." 
 
 He had 
 
 A SPICE OF CUTTING HUMOUR 
 
 In his composition, and some time after the Bishop of 
 Durham so honourably and unsolicited presented him to 
 the valuable living of Bishop Wearmouth, dining with his 
 lordship in company with an aged divine, the latter ob- 
 served in conversation, "that although he had been mar- 
 ried about forty years, he had never had the slightest dif- 
 ference with his wife." The prelate was pleased at so 
 rare an instance of connubial felicity, and was about to 
 compliment his guest thereon, when Paley, with an arch 
 "Quid?" observed, "Don't you think it must have been 
 very flat, my Lord?" 
 
 A RULE OF HIS. 
 
 A writer, recording his on dits, in the New Monthly 
 Magazine, says, in Paley's own words, he made it a rule 
 never to buy a book that he wanted to read but once. In 
 more than one respect, 
 
 HE WAS UNLIKE DR. PARR. 
 
 The latter had a great admiration for the canonical dress 
 of his order, and freely censured the practice of clergymen 
 not generally appearing in it. When on a visit to his 
 friend, the celebrated Mr. Roscoe, at that gentleman's 
 residence near Liverpool, Parr used to ride through the 
 village in full costume, including his famous wig, to the 
 no small amusement of the rustics, and chagrin of his com- 
 panion, the present amiable and learned Thomas Roscoe, 
 originator and editor of "The Landscape Annual," &c. 
 
132 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Paley wore a white wig, and a coat cut in the close court 
 style: but could never be brought to patronise, at least in 
 the country, that becoming part of the dress of a dignitary 
 of the church, a cassock, wliich he used to call a black 
 apron, such as the master tailors wear in Durham." 
 
 HE WAS NEVER A GOOD HORSEMAN. 
 
 "When I followed my father," he says, "on a pony of 
 my own, on my first journey to Cambridge, I fell off seven 
 times. My father, on hearing a thump, would turn his 
 head half aside, and say, 'Take care of thy money, lad !' ' 
 This defect he never overcame: for when advanced in 
 years, he acknowledged he was still so bad a horseman, 
 "that if any man on horseback were to come near me when 
 I am riding," he would say, "I should certainly have a 
 fall; company would take off my attention, and I have 
 need of all I can command to manage my horse, the quiet- 
 est creature that ever lived; one that, at Carlisle, used to 
 be covered with children from the ears to the tail." 
 
 HIS TWO OR THREE REASONS FOR EXCHANGING 
 LIVINGS. 
 
 Meadly, his biographer, relates, that when asked why 
 he had exchanged his living of Dalston for Stanwix? he 
 frankly replied, "Sir, I have two or three reasons for 
 taking Stanwix in exchange: first, it saved me double 
 housekeeping, as Stanwix was within twenty minutes' 
 walk of my house in Carlisle; secondly, it was 50/. a-year 
 more in value; and, thirdly, I began to find my stock of 
 sermons coming over again too fast. 5 ' He was 
 
 A DISCIPLE OF IZAAK WALTON, 
 
 And carried his passion for angling so far, that when Rom- 
 ney took his portrait, he would be taken with a rod and 
 line in his hand. 
 
 HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTED TO WRITE. 
 
 "When residing at Carlisle," he says, "if I wanted to 
 write any thing particularly well, I used to order a post- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 133 
 
 chaise, and go to a quiet comfortable inn, at Longtown, 
 where I was safe from the trouble and bustle of a family, 
 and there I remained until I had finished what I was 
 about." In this he was 
 
 A CONTRAST TO DR. GOLDSMITH, 
 
 Who, when he meditated his incomparable poem of the 
 "Deserted Village," went into the country, and took a 
 lodging at a farm-house, where he remained several weeks 
 in the enjoyment of rural ease and picturesque scenery, 
 but could make no progress in his work. At last he came 
 back to a lodging in Green-Arbour Court, opposite New- 
 gate, and there, in a comparatively short time, in the heart 
 of the metropolis, surrounded with all the antidotes to 
 ease, he completed his task — quam nullum ultra verbum. 
 
 PALEY'S DIFFICULTIES A USEFUL LESSON TO 
 YOUTH. 
 
 Soon after he became senior wrangler, having no imme- 
 diate prospect of a fellowship, he became an assistant in a 
 school at Greenwich, where, he says, I pleased myself 
 with the imagination of the delightful task I was about to 
 undertake, "teaching the young idea how to shoot." As 
 soon as I was seated, a little urchin came up to me and 
 began, — "b-a-b, bab, b-l~e 9 ble, babble!" Nevertheless, 
 at this time, the height of his ambition was to become the 
 first assistant. During this period, he says, lie restricted 
 himself for some time to the mere necessaries of life, in 
 order that he might be enabled to discharge a few debts, 
 which he had incautiously contracted at Cambridge. "My 
 difficulties," he observes, "might afford a useful lesson to 
 youth of good principles; for my privations produced a 
 habit of economy which was of infinite service to me ever 
 after." At this time I wanted a w r aistcoat, and went into 
 a second-hand clothes-shop. It so chanced that I bought 
 the very same garment that Lord Clive wore when he 
 made his triumphal entry into Calcutta. 
 
 IN HIS POVERTY HE WAS LIKE PARR. 
 The finances of the latter obliged him to leave Cam- 
 
134 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 bridge without a degree; after he had been assistant at 
 Harrow, had a school at Stanmore, and been head master 
 of the grammar school at Colchester, and had become 
 head master of that of Norwich, they remained so low that 
 once looking upon a small library, says Mr. Field, in his 
 Life of the Doctor, "his eye was caught by the title, <Ste- 
 phani Thesaurus Linguae Graecae,' turning suddenly about, 
 and striking violently the arm of the person whom he ad- 
 dressed, in a manner very unusual with him, 'Ah! my 
 friend, my friend, ' he exclaimed, 'may you never be forced, 
 as / was at Norwich, to sell that work — to me so precious 
 — from absolute and urgent necessity!'" "At one time 
 of my life," he said, "I had but 14/. in the world. But 
 then, I had good spirits, and owed no man sixpence!" 
 
 PORSON, TOO, WAS A CONTRAST TO PALEY. 
 The first, it is well known, vacated his fellowship, and 
 left himself pennyless, rather than subscribe to the Thirty- 
 nine Articles, from which there is no doubt he conscien- 
 tiously dissented; and when asked to subscribe his belief 
 in the notorious Shakspeare forgery of the Irelands, his 
 reply was, "I subscribe to no articles of faith." When 
 Paley was solicited to sign his name to the supplication of 
 the petitioning clergy, for relief from subscription, he has 
 the credit of replying, he "could not afford to keep a con- 
 science," a saying that many have cherished to the preju- 
 dice of that great man's memory, but which it is more 
 than probable he said in his dry, humorous manner, with- 
 out suspicion it would be remembered at all, and merely 
 to rid himself of some importunate applicant. Paley, it is 
 well known, notwithstanding the conclusions to which 
 some interested writers have come, was strongly and con- 
 scientiously attached to the doctrines and constitution of 
 the Established Church; and it was impossible but that, 
 with his fine common-sense perception, he must have been 
 well aware, that no Established Church, such as is that of 
 England, could long exist as such, if not fenced round by 
 articles of faith. And here I am reminded of an 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE GREAT LORD BURLEIGH AND 
 THE DISSENTERS OF HIS DAY. 
 
 He was once very much pressed by a body of Divines, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 135 
 
 says Collins, in his Life, to make some alteration in the 
 Liturgy, upon which he desired them to go into the next 
 room by themselves, and bring in their unanimous opinion 
 on the disputed points. But they very soon returned with- 
 out being able to agree. "Why, gentlemen/' said he, 
 "how can you expect that I should alter my point in dis- 
 pute, when you, who must be more competent to judge, 
 from your situation, than I can possibly be, cannot agree 
 among yourselves in what manner you would have me 
 alter it." 
 
 OTHER SAYINGS OF THIS GREAT MAN % 
 
 Were, that he would "never truste anie man not of sounde 
 religion; for he that is false to God, can never be true to 
 man. ' ' 
 
 Parents, he said, were to be blamed for "the unthrifty 
 looseness of youth," who made them men seven years too 
 soon, and when they "had but children's judgments." 
 
 "Warre is the curse, and peace the blessingeof a coun- 
 tries 5 and "a realme," he said, "gaineth more by one 
 year's peace, than by tenne years' warre." 
 
 "That nation," he would observe, "was happye where 
 the king would take counsell and follow it." With such 
 a sage minister, it is not surprising that Elizabeth was the 
 greatest princess that ever lived, nor that she gave such 
 wise laws to Cambridge, whose Chancellor he was. 
 
 PORSON'S PROGRESS IN KNOWLEDGE. 
 
 "When I was seventeen," Porson once observed, "I 
 thought I knew every thing; as soon as I was twenty-four, 
 and had read Bentley, I found I knew nothing. Now I 
 have challenged the great scholars of the age to find five 
 faults to their one, in any work, ancient or modern, they 
 decline it." On another occasion, he described himself as 
 
 A GENTLEMAN WITHOUT SIXPENCE IN HIS POCKET. 
 
 Porson declining to enter into holy orders, as the statute 
 of his college required he should do, lost his fellowship at 
 Trinity, after he had enjoyed it ten years; "on which 
 
136 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 heart-rending occasion," says his friend and admirer, Dr. 
 Kidd, "he used to observe, with his usual good humour 
 (for nothing could depress him,) that he was a gentleman 
 living in London tvithoiit a sixpence in his pocket." Two 
 years afterwards his friends procured his election to the 
 Regius Professorship of Greek, on the death of Professor 
 Cooke, the sudden news of which event, he says, in a let- 
 ter printed in Parriana, addressed to the then Master of 
 Trinity, the learned Dr. Postlethwaite, all his ambition of 
 that sort having been long ago laid asleep, "put me in 
 mind of poor Jacob, who, having served seven years in 
 hopes of being rewarded with "Rachel, awoke, and behold 
 it was Leah." He had seven years previously projected 
 a course of lectures in Greek, which most unaccountably 
 were not patronised by the Senate. 
 
 GREEK PROTESTANTS AT OXFORD. 
 
 Mr. Pointer says, in his Oxoniensis Academia, <^c, 
 speaking of the curiosities connected with Worcester Col- 
 lege, there were "Ruins of a Royal Palace, built by King 
 Henry the First, in Beaumont, near Gloucester-green, 
 upon some parts of which ruins, the late Dr. Woodroff 
 (when principal of Gloucester Hall, now Worcester Col- 
 lege) built lodgings for the education of young scholars 
 from Greece, who, after they had been here educated in 
 the reformed religion, were to be sent back to their own 
 country, in order to propagate the same there. And ac- 
 cordingly some young Grecians were brought hither, and 
 wore their Grecian habits; but not finding suitable encou- 
 ragement, this project came to nothing." 
 
 JUDGMENT OF ERASMUS ON THE CAMBRIDGE FOLK. 
 
 Fuller says, that Erasmus thus wrote of the Cambridge 
 folk, at the beginning of the sixteenth century. "Vulgus 
 Cantabrigiense, inhospitales Britannos antecedit, qui cum 
 summa rusticitate summum militiam conjunxere." This 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 137 
 
 will by no means now apply to the better class of trades- 
 people, and in no place that I know of is there more hos- 
 pitality amongst the higher orders of society. Kirk White, 
 in his Letters, is not very complimentary either to 
 
 BEDMAKERS OR GYPS. 
 
 The latter are called scouts in Oxford, and their office 
 borders on what is generally understood by the word valet. 
 The term Gyp is well applied from Tvtts, a vulture, they 
 being, in the broadest sense of the word, addicted to prey, 
 and not over-scrupulous at both picking and stealing, in 
 spite of the Decalogue. I had one evening had a wine 
 party, during the warm season of the year; we drank free- 
 ly, and two of the party taking possession of my bed, I 
 contented myself with the sofa. About six in the morning 
 the Gyp came into the room to collect boots, &c. and 
 either not seeing me, or fancying I slept (the wine being 
 • left on the table,) he very coolly filled himself a glass, 
 which he lost no time in raising to his lips, but ere he had 
 swallowed a drop, having watched his motions, I whistled 
 (significant of recognition,) and down went the wine, glass 
 and all, and out bolted our gyp, who actually blushed the 
 next time he saw me. Another anecdote touching lodging- 
 house keepers, I will head 
 
 DROPS OF BRANDY. 
 
 A certain mistress of a lodging-house, in Green-street, 
 Cambridge, where several students had rooms, having a 
 propensity, not for the ethereal charms of the music so 
 called, but for the invigorating liquor itself, had a habit, 
 with the assistance of what is called a screw-driver, but 
 which might more aptly be termed a screw-drawer, of 
 opening cupboard doors without resorting to the ordinary 
 use of a key. By this means she had one day abstracted 
 a bottle of brandy from the store of one of the students 
 (now a barrister of some practice and standing,) with 
 which, the better to consume it in undisturbed dignity, she 
 retired to the temple of the goddess Cloacina. She had 
 been missed for some time, and search was made, when 
 she was found half seas over, as they sav, with the remnant 
 L 2 
 
138 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 of the bottle still grasped in her hand, which she had plied 
 so often to her mouth, that she was unable to lift her hand 
 so high, or indeed to rise from her seditious posture. Upon 
 this scene a caricature of the first water was sketched, and 
 circulated by some Cambridge wag; another threw off' the 
 following Epigrammatic Conun: 
 
 Why is my Dalia like a rose? 
 Perhaps, you'll say, because her breath 
 Is sweeter than the flowers of earth: 
 No — odious thought — it is, her nose 
 Is redder than the reddest rose; 
 Which she has long been very handy 
 At colouring with drops of brandy. 
 
 Another head of a lodging-house is a notorious member 
 of what in Cambridge is called — 
 
 THE DIRTY-SHIRT CLUB. 
 
 This is a society that has existed in the town of Cam- 
 bridge for ages, whose functions consist in wearing the 
 linen of the students who lodge in their houses after it has 
 been cast off for the laundress. This same individual, 
 however, had a taste for higher game, and one of the stu- 
 dents, who had rooms in his house, being called to London 
 for a few days, returning rather unexpectedly, actually 
 found mine host at the head of the table, in his sitting- 
 room, surrounded by some twenty snobs, his friends. Our 
 gownsman very properly resented his impertinence, took 
 him by the collar and waist, and, in the language of that 
 fine old song, goose -a-goose-a-gander, "threw him down 
 stairs." The rest of the party prudently followed at this 
 hint, leaving the table covered with the remains of sundry 
 bottles of wine and a rich dessert. Thus the affair ter- 
 minated at that time: but our gownsman being a man of 
 fortune, and one of those accustomed, therefore, to treat 
 his brother students, his friends, sumptuously too, went 
 two or three days after, to his fruiterer's, to order 
 
 DESSERT FOR TWENTY. 
 
 "The same as you had on Wednesday?" inquired the 
 fruiterer. <f On Wednesday !" he exclaimed with astonish- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 139 
 
 ment, — "I had no dessert on Wednesday!" "Oh, yes, 
 
 sir," was the rejoinder, "Mr. himself ordered it for 
 
 you, and, as I before said, for twenty!" The whole mat- 
 ter was soon understood to be, that the lodging-house keep- 
 er had actually done him the honour to give his brother 
 snobs, of the dirty shirt fraternity, an invite and sump- 
 tuous entertainment at his expense! Of course, he did 
 not remain in the house of such a free-and-easy -gent I 
 name the fact as a recent occurrence, and 
 
 A HINT FOR GOWNSMEN. 
 
 But this is not the only way in which they are fleeced: the 
 minor articles of grocery are easily appropriated: nay, not 
 only easily appropriated, but a duplicate order is occasion- 
 ally delivered for the benefit of the house. Some trades- 
 men have made 
 
 MARVELLOUS STRIDES ON THE ROAD TO WEALTH, 
 
 From various causes. I remember one man who, in six 
 years, beginning life at the very beginning, saved enough 
 to retire upon an independence for the rest of his life. 
 Did he chalk double? I answer not. But students should 
 look to these things. At St. John's College, Cambridge, 
 the tutors have adopted an excellent plan by which, with 
 ordinary diligence, cheats may be detected: they oblige 
 the tradesmen to furnish them with duplicates of their bills 
 against the students, one of which is handed to the latter, 
 and any error pointed out, they will deforced to rectify. 
 
 ANOTHER SPECIES OF FRAUD 
 
 Is a trick tradesmen have, in the Universities, of persuad- 
 ing students to get into their debt, actually pressing their 
 wares upon them, and then, when their books show suffi- 
 cient reason, forsooth, they make a mock assignment of 
 their affairs over to their creditors, and some pettifogging 
 attorney addresses the unlucky debtors with an intimation, 
 that, unless the account is forthwith paid, together with 
 the expenses of the application, further proceedings will 
 be taken! though the wily tradesman has assured the pur- 
 
140 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 chaser of his articles that credit would run to any length 
 he pleased: and so it does, and no longer. Such fellows 
 should be marked and eutl It is but justice to add, 
 however, that these observations do not apply to that re- 
 spectable class of tradesmen, of whom the student should 
 purchase his necessaries. The motto of every student, 
 notwithstanding, who is desirous of not injuring his future 
 prospects in life, by too profuse an expenditure, should be 
 "fugies Uticam," — keep out of debt! 
 
 THE SOURCE OF DR. PARR'S ELOQUENCE. 
 
 Some of Dr. Parr's hearers, struck with a remarkable 
 passage in his sermon, asked him "Whether he had read 
 it from his book?" "Oh, no," said he, "it was the light of 
 nature suddenly flashing upon me." He once called a 
 clergyman a fool. The divine, indignant, threatened to 
 complain to the Bishop. "Do so," was the reply, "and 
 my Lord Bishop will confirm you." 
 
 To the same wit, when a student at Emanuel College, 
 is attributed the celebrated— 
 
 ADDRESS TO HIS TEA-CHEST, 
 
 "Tu doces," {thou tea-chest!) Others give the paternity 
 to Lord Erskine, when a Fellow Commoner of Trinity 
 College, Cambridge; nHmporte, they were friends. 
 
 AS A SPICE OF THEIR JOINT VANITY, 
 
 It is related of them, that one day, sipping their wine to- 
 gether, the Doctor exclaimed, "Should you give me an 
 opportunity, Erskine, I promise myself the pleasure of 
 writing your epitaph." "Sir," was the reply, "it's a 
 temptation to commit suicide." On another occasion 
 more than one authority concur in the Doctor's thus 
 
 ASSURING HIMSELF A PLACE AMONGST THE GREEK 
 SCHOLARS OF HIS DAY. 
 
 "Porson, sir, is the first, always the firsts we all yield to 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 141 
 
 him. Burney is the third. Who is the second, I leave 
 you to guess." 
 
 ANOTHER SPICE OF HIS VANITY 
 
 Peeped out on his one night being seated in the side gal- 
 lery at the House of Commons, with the late Sir James 
 Mackintosh, &c, where he could see and be seen by the 
 members of the opposition, his friends. The debate was 
 one of great importance. Fox at length rose, and as he 
 proceeded in his address, the Doctor grew more and more 
 animated, till at length he rose as if with the intention of 
 speaking. He was reminded of the impropriety, and im- 
 mediately sat down. After Fox had concluded, he ex- 
 claimed: "Had I followed any other profession, I might 
 have been sitting by the side of that illustrious statesman; 
 I should have had all his powers of argument, — all Ers- 
 kine's eloquence, — and all Hargrave's law." He had one 
 day been arguing and disagreeing with a ladv, who said, 
 "Well, Dr. Parr, 
 
 I STILL MAINTAIN MY OPINION." 
 
 "Madam," he rejoined, "you may, if you please, retain 
 your opinion: but you cannot maintain it." Another lady 
 once opposing his opinions with more pertinacity than 
 cogency of reasoning, concluded with the observation, 
 "You know, Doctor, 
 
 IT IS THE PRIVILEGE OF WOMEN TO TALK 
 
 NONSENSE." 
 
 "No, madam," he replied, "it is not their privilege, but 
 their infirmity. Ducks would walk, if they could, but 
 nature suffers them only to waddle." 
 
 After some persons, at a party where the Doctor made 
 one, had expressed their regret that he had not written 
 more, or something more worthy of his fame, a young 
 scholar somewhat pertly called out to him, "Suppose, Dr. 
 Parr, you and I were to write a book together!" "Young 
 man," exclaimed the chafed lion, "if all were to be written 
 in that book which I do know, and which you do not know, 
 
142 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 it would be a very large book indeed." The following are 
 given by Field as his 
 
 REPROOFS OF IGNORANCE TALKING WITH THE 
 CONFIDENCE OF KNOWLEDGE. 
 
 He was once insisting on the importance of discipline, 
 established by a wise system, and enforced with a steady 
 hand, in schools, in colleges, in the navy, in the army; 
 when he was somewhat suddenly and rudely taken up by 
 a young officer who had just received his commission, and 
 was not a little proud of his "blushing lion ours." "What, 
 sir," said he, addressing the Doctor, "do you mean to ap- 
 ply that word discipline to the officers of the army? It 
 may be well enough for the privates.^* "Yes, sir, I do," 
 replied the Doctor, sternly: "It is discipline makes the 
 scholar, it is discipline makes the soldier, it is discipline 
 makes the gentleman, and the want of discipline has made 
 you what you are." 
 
 BEING MUCH ANNOYED 
 
 By the pert remarks of another tyro, — "Sir," said he, 
 "your tongue goes to work before your brain; and when 
 your brain does work, it generates nothing but error and 
 absurdity." The maxim of men of experience, the Doctor 
 might have added, is, "to think twice before they act 
 once." To a third person, of bold and forward but ill- 
 supported pretensions, he said, "B , you have read 
 
 little, thought less, and know nothing." 
 
 HE MATCHED A TRICK OF THE DEVIL. 
 
 Like the more celebrated scholars and divines, Clarke, 
 Paley, Markland, &c, he would join an evening party at 
 cards, always preferring the old English game of whist, 
 and resolutely adhering to his early determination of never 
 playing for more than a nominal stake. Being once, how- 
 ever, induced to break through it, and play with the late 
 learned Bishop of Llandaff, Dr. Watson, for a shilling, 
 which he won, after pushing it carefully to the bottom of 
 his pocket and placing his hand upon it, with a kind of 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 143 
 
 mock solemnity, he said, "There, my lord Bishop, this is 
 a trick of the devil; but I'll match him; so now, if you 
 please, we will play for & penny " and this was ever after 
 the amount of his stake, though he was not the less ardent 
 in pursuit of success, or less joyous on winning his rubber. 
 Like our great moralist, Johnson, he had an aversion to 
 punning, saying, it exposed the poverty of a language. 
 Yet he perpetrated the following 
 
 THREE CLASSICAL PUNS: 
 
 One day reaching a book from a shelf in his library, two 
 others came tumbling down, including a volume of Hume, 
 upon which fell a critical work of Lambert Bos: "See 
 what has happened," exclaimed the Doctor, "procumbit 
 humi bosS' At another time, too strong a current of air 
 being let into the room where he was sitting, suffering un- 
 der the effects of a slight cold, "Stop! stop!" said he, 
 "this is too much; at present I am only^ar levibus ven- 
 tis." When he was solicited to subscribe to Dr. Busby's 
 translation of Lucretius, published at a high price, he de- 
 clined doing so, by observing, at the proposed cost it 
 would indeed be "Lucretius carus." 
 
 HIS LAW ACT AT CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 On proceeding to the degree of LL.D. at Cambridge, in 
 1781, Dr. Parr delivered "in the law schools, before 
 crowded audiences," says Field, "two theses, of which 
 the subject of the first was, Hseres ex delicto defuncti non 
 tenetur; and of the second, Jus interpretandi leges priva- 
 tis, perinde ac principi, constat. In the former of these, 
 after having offered a tribute of due respect to the memory 
 of the late Hon. Charles Yorke (the Lord Chancellor,) 
 he strenuously opposed the doctrine of that celebrated 
 lawyer, laid down in his book upon 'the law of forfeiture;' 
 and denied the authority of those passages which were 
 quoted from the correspondence of Cicero and Brutus; be- 
 cause, as he affirmed, after that learned and sagacious 
 (Cambridge) critic, Markland fin his Remarks on the 
 Epistles of those two Romans,) the correspondence itself 
 is not genuine. The same liberal and enlightened views 
 
144 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 of the natural and social rights of man pervaded the latter 
 as well as the former thesis; and in both were displayed 
 such strength of reasoning and power of language, such 
 accurate knowledge of historical tacts and such clear com- 
 prehension of legal principles bearing on the questions, 
 that the whole audience listened with fixed and delighted 
 attention. The Professor of Law himself, Dr. Hallifax, 
 afterwards Bishop of St. Asaph, was so struck with the 
 uncommon excellence of these compositions, as to make it 
 his particular request that they should be given to the pub- 
 lic; but with which request Dr. Parr could not be per- 
 suaded to comply. 
 
 "THERE IS A PLEASANT STORY 
 
 Reported of the Doctor," says Barker, in his Parriana, 
 when on a visit to Dr. Farmer, at Emanuel Lodge. He 
 had made free in discourse with some of the Fellow Com- 
 moners in the Combination-room, who, not being able to 
 cope with him, resolved to take, vengeance in their own 
 way; they took his best wig, and thrust it into his boot: 
 this indispensable appendage of dress was soon called for, 
 but could nowhere be found, till the Doctor, preparing for 
 his departure, and proceeding to put on his boots, found 
 one of them pre-occupied, and putting in his hand, drew 
 forth the wig with a loud shout — perhaps ivpw&P "When 
 the late Dr. Watson," adds the same writer, "presided in 
 the divinity-schools, at 
 
 AN ACT KEPT BY DR. MILNER, 
 
 The reputation of whose great learning and ability caused 
 the place to be filled with the senior and junior members 
 of the University, one of the opponents was the late Dr. 
 Coulthurst, and the debate was carried on with great 
 vigour and spirit. When this opponent had gone through 
 his arguments, the Professor rose, as usual, from his throne, 
 and, taking oft' his cap, cried out — 
 
 'Arcades ambo 
 Et cantare pares, et respondere parati.' 
 
 We juniors, who happened to be present, were much 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 145 
 
 pleased with the application. Soon after, being in the 
 Doctor's company, I mentioned how much we were enter- 
 tained with the whole scene, particularly with the close: 
 he smiled, and said, 'It is Warburton's,' where I soon 
 after found it." 
 
 EPIGRAM 
 
 On a Cambridge beauty, daughter of an Alderman, made 
 by the Rev. Hans De Veil, son of Sir Thomas de Veil, 
 and a Cantab: — 
 
 "Is Molly Fowle immortal? — No. 
 Yes, but she is — I'll prove her so: 
 She's fifteen now, and was, I know, 
 Fifteen full fifteen years ago." 
 
 NOVEL REVENGE. 
 
 Sir John Heathcote, a Cantab, and lessee of Lincoln 
 church, being refused a renewal of the same on his own 
 terms, by the Prebend, Dr. Cobden, of St. John's College, 
 Cambridge, upon accepting the Prebend's terms, appoint- 
 ed his late Majesty, then Prince of Wales, to be one of 
 the lives included in the lease, observing, "I will nominate 
 one for whom the dog shall be obliged to pray in the day- 
 time, wishing him dead at night." 
 
 THEY TAKE THEM AS THEY COME. 
 
 A person might very well conclude, from the observa- 
 tions of the enemies of our English Universities, that the 
 governors of them had the power of selecting the youth 
 who are to graduate at them, or that, of necessity, all men 
 bred at either Oxford or Cambridge ought to be alike dis- 
 tinguished for superior virtue and forbearance, great learn- 
 ing, and great talents. They forget, that they must take 
 them as they come, like the boy in the anecdote. "So you 
 
 M 
 
146 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 are picking them out, my lad," said a Cantab to a youth, 
 scratching his head in the street. "No," said the arch- 
 rogue, "I takes 'em as they come." Just so do the au- 
 thorities at Oxford and Cambridge. I knew a son of 
 Granta, and eke, too, 
 
 THE DARLING SON OF HIS MOTHER, 
 
 Whose mind, at twenty, was a chaos, and must from his 
 birth have been, not as Locke would have supposed, a 
 sheet of white paper, ready to receive impressions, but one 
 smeared and useless. Yet Solomon in all his glory was 
 not half so wise as was this scion in his mother's opinion. 
 She, therefore, brought him to Cambridge, and having in- 
 troduced him to the amiable tutor of St. John's College, 
 smirkingly asked him, "If he thought her darling would 
 be senior wrangler?" "I don't know, madam," was his 
 reply, in his short quick manner of speaking, pulling up a 
 certain portion of his dress, in the wearing of which he 
 resembled Sir Charles Wetherell, "I don't know, madam; 
 that remains to be seen." Poor fellow, he never could 
 get a degree, nor (after having been removed from Cam- 
 bridge to the Politechnique School at Paris, for a year or 
 two) could he ever get over the Pons Asinorum (as we 
 Can tabs term the fifth proposition of the first book of Eu- 
 clid. ) Another 
 
 MISCALCULATING MAMMA, 
 
 And they are sure to miscalculate whenever they inter- 
 meddle with such matters, declined entering her two sons 
 at Cambridge in the same year, that, as she said, "They 
 might not stand in each other's way." Id est, they were 
 to be both senior wranglers. They, however, never caught 
 sight of the goal. I recollect, on one occasion, the second 
 son hemg floored in his college mathematical examination. 
 He was said to have afterwards carried home the paper 
 (containing twenty-two difficult geometrical and other 
 problems,) when one of his sisters snatched it out of his 
 hand, exclaiming, "Give it to me," and, without the slight- 
 est hesitation (in good Cambridge phrase,) she "floored* 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 147 
 
 the whole of them, to his dismay. This lady was one of 
 a bevy of ten beauties whom their mamma compassionately 
 brought to Cambridge to dance with the young gentlemen 
 of the University at her parties, and after so officiating for 
 some three or four years, notwithstanding they were all 
 Blues, and had corresponding names, from Britannia to 
 Boadicea, the Cantabs suffered them all to depart spinsters. 
 But Papas also sometimes overrate their sons' talents and 
 virtues. A. gentleman, a few years since, on 
 
 PRESENTING HIS FAVOURITE SON 
 
 To the sub-rector of a certain College in Oxford, as a new 
 member, did so with the observation, '"Sir, he is modest, 
 diffident, and clever, and will be an example to the whole 
 College." "I am glad of it," was the reply, we want 
 such men, and I am honoured, sir, by your bringing him 
 here." Papa made his exit, well pleased with our Welsh- 
 man's hospitality, for of that country our Sub-Rector, as 
 well as the gentleman in question was. The former, too, 
 had been a chaplain in Lord Nelson's fleet, in his younger 
 days, and was not over orthodox in his language, when 
 irritated, though a man with a better heart it would have 
 puzzled the Grecian sage to have traced out by candle- 
 light. A month had scarcely passed over, when Papa, 
 having occasion to pass through Oxon, called on the Sub- 
 'Rector, of course, and naturally inquired, "How his son 
 demeaned himself?" "You told me, sir," said the Sub- 
 Rector, in a pet, and a speech such as the quarter-deck of 
 l man-of-war had schooled him in; "you told me, sir, that 
 your son was modest, but d — n his modesty! you told me, 
 sir, he was diffident, but d — n his diffidence! you told me, 
 Mr, he was clever; he's the greatest dunce of the whole 
 society! you told me, sir, he would prove an example to 
 the whole college: but I tell you, sir, that he is neither 
 modest, diffident nor clever, and in three weeks," added 
 the Sub-Rector, raising his voice to a becoming pitch, "he 
 has ruined half the College by his example!" We can 
 arcely do better than add to this, by way of tail -piece, 
 from that loyal Oxford scourge Terrse Filius ^ed. 1726) — 
 (to be read, "cum grano," and some allowance for the 
 excited character of the times in which it was written) — 
 
148 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 ITER ACADEMICUM; OR, THE GENTLEMAN 
 COMMONER'S MATRICULATION. 
 
 Being of age to play the fool, 
 With muckle glee I left our school 
 
 At Hoxton; 
 And, mounted on an easy pad, 
 Rode with my mother and my dad 
 
 To Oxon. 
 Conceited of my parts and knowledge, 
 They entered me into a college 
 
 Ibidem. 
 The master took me first aside, 
 Showed me a scrawl — I read, and cried 
 
 Do Fidem. 
 Gravely he took me by the fist, 
 And wished me well — we next request 
 
 A tutor. 
 He recommends a staunch one, who 
 In Perkins' cause had been his Co- 
 
 Adjutor. 
 To see this precious stick of wood, 
 I went (for so they deemed it good) 
 
 In fear, Sir; 
 And found him swallowing loyalty, 
 Six deep his bumpers, which to me 
 
 Seemed queer. Sir. 
 He bade me sit and take my glass; 
 I answered, looking like an ass, 
 
 I can't, Sir. 
 Not drink! — You don't come here to pray! 
 The merry mortal said, by way 
 
 Of answer. 
 To pray, Sir! No, my lad; 'tis well! 
 Come, here's our friend Sacheverell; 
 
 Here's Trappy! 
 Here's Ormond! Marrl in short, so many 
 Traitors we drank, it made my crani- 
 um nappy. 
 And now, the company dismissed, 
 With this same sociable Priest, 
 
 Or Fellow, 
 I sallied forth to deck my back 
 With loads of stuff, and gown of black 
 
 Prunello. 
 My back equipt, it was not fair 
 My head should 'scape, and so, as square 
 
 As chess-board, 
 A cap 1 bought, my scull to screen, 
 Of cloth without, and all within 
 
 Of paste-board. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 149 
 
 When metamorphosed in attire, 
 More like a parson than a squire 
 
 They'd dressed me. 
 I took my leave, with many a tear, 
 Of John, our man, and parents dear, 
 
 Who blest me. 
 The master said they might believe him, 
 So righteously (the Lord forgive him!) 
 
 He'd govern. 
 He'd show me the extremest love, 
 Provided that I did not prove 
 
 Too stubborn. 
 So far so good; but now fresh fees 
 Began (for so the custom is) 
 
 My ruin. 
 Fresh fees! with drink they knock you down; 
 You spoil your clothes, and your new gown 
 
 You sp — in. 
 I scarce had slept — at six — tan tin 
 The bell goes — servitor comes in — 
 
 Gives warning. 
 I wished the scoundrel at old Nick; 
 I puked, and went to prayers d— d sick 
 
 That morning, 
 One who could come half drunk to prayer 
 They saw was entered, and could swear 
 
 At random; 
 Would bind himself, as they had done, 
 To statutes, tho' he could not un- 
 derstand 'em. 
 Built in the form of pigeon-pye, 
 A house* there is for rooks to lie (*Theatre) 
 
 And roost in. 
 Their laws, their articles of grace, 
 Forty, I think, save half a brace, 
 
 Was willing 
 To swear to; swore, engaged my soul, 
 And paid the swearing broker whole 
 
 Ten shilling. 
 Full half a pound I paid him down, 
 To live in the most p — d town 
 
 O' th' nation: 
 May it ten thousand cost Lord Phyz, 
 For never forwarding his vis- 
 itation. 
 
 A STORY 
 
 U told, and, "in the days that are gone/' is not at all im- 
 
 m2 
 
150 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 probable, that a youth being brought to Oxon, after he had 
 paid the Tutor and other the several College and Univer- 
 sity fees, was told he must subscribe to the Thirty -nine 
 Jlrticles; "with all my heart," said our freshman, "pray 
 how much is it?" 
 
 FRESHMEN OFTEN AFFORD MIRTH 
 
 To both tutors, scholars, scouts, gyps, and others, by their 
 blunders. They will not unfrequently, upon the first tin- 
 gle of the college bell (though it always rings a quarter of 
 an hour, by way of warning, on ordinary occasions, and 
 half an hour on saints' days, in Cambridge,) hurry off to 
 hall or chapel, with their gowns the wrong side outwards, 
 or, their caps reversed, walk unconsciously along with the 
 hind part before, as I once heard a soph observe, "the 
 peak smelling thunder." They are also very apt to mis- 
 take characters and functionaries: — I have seen a fresh- 
 man cap the college-butler, taking him for bursar at least. 
 The persons to be so complimented are the Chancellor, 
 the Vice-Chancellor, the Proctors, the head of your col- 
 lege, and your tutors. When the late Bishop Mansell 
 was Vice-Chancellor of Cambridge, he one day met two 
 freshmen in Trumpington -street, who passed him unheed- 
 ed. The Bishop was not a man to 'bate an iota of his due, 
 and stopped them and asked, "If they knew he was the 
 Vice-Chancellor?" They blu shingly replied, they did not, 
 and begged his pardon for omitting to cap him, observing 
 they were freshmen. "How long have you been in Cam- 
 bridge?" asked the witty Bishop. "Only eight days," 
 was the reply. "In that case I must excuse you; puppies 
 never see till they are nine days old." 
 
 ANOTHER FRESHMAN 
 
 Was unconsciously walking beyond the University church, 
 on a Sunday morning, which (at both Oxford and Cam- 
 bridge) he would have been expected to attend, when he 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 151 
 
 was met by the Master of St. John's College, Dr. Wood, 
 who, by way of a mild rebuke, stopped him and asked him, 
 "If the way he was going led to St. Mary's Church?" 
 "Oh, no, sir," said he, with most lamb-like innocence, 
 "this is the way," pointing in the opposite direction. 
 "Keep straight on, you can't miss it." The Doctor, how- 
 ever, having fully explained himself, preferred taking him 
 as a guide. 
 
 WE MUST DO SOMETHING FOR THE POOR LOST 
 YOUNG MAN. 
 
 Lords Stowel and Eldon both studied at Trinity Col- 
 lege, Oxford, with success, and, it is well known, there 
 laid the foundation of that fame, which, from the humble 
 rank of the sons of a Newcastle coal -fitter, raised them 
 to the highest legal stations and the English peerage. The 
 former first graduated, and was elected a Fellow and Tu- 
 tor of All Soul's College (where he had the late Lord 
 Tenterden for a pupil) and became Camden Professor. 
 The latter afterwards graduated with a success that would 
 have ensured him a fellowship and other University dis- 
 tinctions, but visiting his native place soon after he took 
 A.B. he fell in love with Miss Surtees (the present Lady 
 Eldon) daughter of a then rich banker, in Newcastle, who 
 returned his affection, and they became man and wife. 
 Her family were indignant, and refused to be reconciled 
 to the young pair, because the lady had, as the phrase ran, 
 "married below her station." Mr. Scott, the father, was 
 as much offended at the step his son had taken, which at 
 once shut him out from the chance of a fellowship, and 
 refused them his countenance. In this dilemma the new 
 married pair sought the friendship of Mr. William Scott 
 (now Lord Stowell) at Oxford. His heart, cast in a softer 
 mould, readily forgave them, — his amiable nature would 
 not have permitted him to do otherwise. He received 
 them with a brotherly affection, pitied rather than con- 
 demned them, and is said to have observed to some Oxford 
 friends, "We must do something for the poor lost young 
 
152 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 man!" What a lesson is there not read to mankind in the 
 result! A harsher course might have led to ruin — the 
 milder one was the stepping-stone to the woolsack and a 
 peerage. 
 
 LIKE O' WHISSONSET CHURCH. 
 
 A Cantab visited some friends in the neighbourhood of 
 Whissonset, near Fakenham, Norfolk, during the life of 
 the late rector of that parish, who was then nearly ninety, 
 and but little capable of attending to his duty, but having 
 married a young wife, she would not allow him a curate, 
 but every Sunday drove him from Fakenham to the church. 
 In short he was hen-pecked. His clerk kept the village 
 public-house, and was not over-attentive to his duties. 
 Our Cantab accompanied his friends to church at the usual 
 time, arriving at which they found doors close; neither 
 "Vicar or Moses" had arrived, nor did they appear till 
 half an hour after. Under these circumstances our Can- 
 tab threw oft' the following epigram: 
 
 Like o' Whissonset church 
 In vain you'll search, 
 
 The Lord be thanked for't: 
 The parson is old, 
 His wife J s a scold, 
 
 And the clerk sells beer by the quart. 
 
 The people who go 
 Are but so so, 
 
 And but so so are the singers; 
 They roar in our ears 
 Like northern bears, 
 
 And the devil take the ringers. 
 
 CUSTOM, WHIM, FASHION, AND CAPRICE, 
 
 Have been pretty nearly as arbitrary in our universities 
 as with the rest of the world. When John Goslin was 
 Vice-Chancellor, he is said to have made it 
 
 A HEAVY FINE TO APPEAR IN BOOTS. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 153 
 
 A student, however, undertook, for a small bet, to visit 
 him in them, and, to appease his wrath, he desired the doc- 
 tor's advice for an hereditary numbness in his legs. So 
 far was the Vice-Chancellor from expressing any anger, 
 that he pitied him, and he won his wager. Another vice- 
 chancellor is said to have issued his mandate for all mem- 
 bers in statu pupillari, to appear in 
 
 YELLOW STOCKINGS. 
 
 The following singular order, as to dress and the excess 
 thereof, was issued by the great statesman. Cecil, Lord 
 Burleigh, as chancellor of the University of Cambridge, in 
 the days of Elizabeth, which is preserved in the Liber 
 Niger, or Black-book, extant in the Cambridge University 
 Library. The paper is dated "from my house in Strand, 
 this seventhe of May, 1588," and runs thus: — 1. "That 
 no hat be worne of anie graduate or scholler within the 
 said universitie (except it shall be when he shall journey 
 owte of the towne, or excepte in the time of his sickness.) 
 All graduates were to weare square caps of ciothe; and 
 schollers, not graduates, round cloth caps, saving that it 
 may be lawful for the sonnes of noblemen, or the sonnes 
 and heirs of knights, to weare round caps of velvet, but 
 no hats." 
 
 "2. "All graduates shall weare abroade in the universi- 
 tie going owte of his colledg, a gowne and a hoode of cloth, 
 according to the order of his degree. Provided that it 
 shall be lawful for everie D. D., and for the Mr. of anie 
 coll. to weare a sarcenet tippet of velvet, according to the 
 anciente customes of this realme, and of the saide univer- 
 sitie. The whiche gowne, tippet, and square caps, the 
 saide Drs. and heads shall be likewise bound to weare, 
 when they shall resorte eyther to the courte, or to the citie 
 of London." 
 
 3. "And that the excesse of shirt bands and ruffles, ex- 
 ceeding an ynche and halfe (saving the sonnes of noble- 
 men,) the fashion and colour other than white, be avoided 
 presentlie; and no scholler, or fellowe of the foundation of 
 anie house of learninge, do weare eyther in the universitie 
 or without, &c, anie hose, stockings, dublets, jackets, 
 
154 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 crates, or jerknees, or anie other kynde of garment, of 
 velvet, satin, or silk, or in the facing of the same shall 
 have above a| of a yard of silke, or shall use anie other 
 light kynde of colour, or cuts, or gards, of fashion, the 
 which shall be forbidden by the Chancellor," &c. 
 
 4th. "And that no scholler doe weare anie long lockes 
 of hair vppon his head, but that he be notted, pouled, or 
 rounded, after the accustomed manner of the gravest schol- 
 lers of the saide universitie." The penalty for every 
 offence against these several orders being six shillings and 
 eightpence: the sum in which offenders are mulcted in the 
 present day. 
 
 THE FASHION OF THE HAIR 
 
 Has been not less varied, or less subject to animadversion, 
 than the dress of the members of the universities. The 
 fashion of wearing long hair, so peculiar in the reign of 
 Charles II., was called the Apollo. His Royal Highness 
 the Duke of Gloucester, the present Chancellor of the 
 University of Cambridge, "was an Apollo" during the 
 whole of his residence at Trinity College, says the Gradus 
 ad Cant. Indeed his royal highness, who was noted for 
 his personal beauty at that time, was "the last in Cam- 
 bridge who wore his hair after that fashion." "I can re- 
 member," says the pious Archbishop Tillotson, as cited 
 by the above writer, discoursing on this head, viz, of hair! 
 "since the wearing the hair below the ears was looked upon 
 as a sin of the first magnitude', and when ministers gene- 
 rally, whatever their text was, did either find, or make, 
 occasion to reprove the great sin of long hair: and if they 
 saw any one in the congregation guilty in that kind, they 
 would point him out particularly^ and let fly at him with 
 great zeal." And we can remember, since wearing the 
 hair cropt, i. e. above the ears, was looked upon, though 
 not as "a sin," yet, as a very vulgar and raffish sort of 
 a thing; and when the doers of newspapers exhausted all 
 their wit in endeavouring to rally the new-raised corps of 
 crops, regardless of the late noble Duke (of Bedford) who 
 headed them; and, when the rude rank-scented rabble, if 
 they saw any one in the streets, whether time or the ton- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 155 
 
 sor had thinned his flowing hair, they would point him out 
 particularly and "let fly at him" as the archbishop says, 
 till not a shaft of ridicule remained! The tax upon hair- 
 powder has now, however, produced all over the country 
 very plentiful crops. Charles II., who, as his worthy 
 friend the Earl of Rochester, remarked, 
 
 never said a foolish thing; 
 
 Nor e-' er did a wise one, 
 
 sent a letter to the University of Cambridge, forbidding 
 the members to wear periwigs, smoke tobacco, and read 
 their sermons! ! It is needless to remark, that tobacco has 
 not yet made its exit in fumo, and that periwigs still con- 
 tinue to adorn "the heads of houses." Till the present 
 all-prevailing, a\\-accommo dating fashion of crops became 
 general in the university, no young man presumed to dine 
 in hall till he had previously received a handsome trimming 
 from the hair-dresser (one of which calling was a special 
 appointment to each college.) The following inimitable 
 imitation of "The Bard" of Gray, is ascribed to the pen 
 of the late Lord Erskine, when a fellow-commoner of 
 Trinity College, Cambridge. Having been disappointed 
 of the attendance of his college-barber, he was compelled 
 to forego his commons in hall. But determining to have 
 his revenge, and give his hair-dresser a good dressing, he 
 sat down and penned the following "Fragment of a Pin- 
 daric Ode," wherein, "in imitation of the despairing Bard 
 of Gray, who prophesied the destruction of King Edward's 
 race, he poured forth his curses upon the whole race of 
 barbers, predicting their ruin in the simplicity of a future 
 generation." 
 
 I, 
 
 Ruin seize thee, scoundrel Coe! 
 
 Confusion on thy frizzing wait; 
 Hadst thou the only comb below, 
 
 Thou never more shouldst touch my pate. 
 Club, nor queue, nor twisted tail, 
 Nor e'en thy chatt'ring, barber! shall avail 
 To save thy horse-whipp'd back from daily fears, 
 From Canta.b's curse, from Cantab's tears! 
 Such were the sounds that o'er the powder'd pride 
 
 Of Coe the barber scattered wild dismay, 
 
156 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 As down the steep of Jackson's slippery lane, 
 He wound with puffing inarch his toilsome, tardy way. 
 
 II. 
 
 In a room where Cambridge town 
 
 Frowns o'er the kennel's stinking flood, 
 Rob'd in a flannel powd'ring gown, 
 
 With haggard eyes poor Erskine stood; 
 (Long his beard and blouzy hair 
 Stream'd like an old wig to the troubled air;) 
 And with clung guts, and face than razor thinner. 
 Swore the loud sorrows of his dinner. 
 Hark! how each striking clock and tolling bell, 
 With awful sounds, the hour of eating tell! 
 O'er thee, oh Coe! their dreadful notes they wave, 
 Soon shall such sounds proclaim thy yawning grave; 
 Vocal in vain, through all this lingering day, 
 The grace already said, the plates all swept away. 
 
 III. 
 
 Cold is Beau * * tongue, 
 
 That soothed each virgin's pain; 
 Bright perfumed M * * has cropp'd his head: 
 
 Almacks! you moan in vain. 
 Each youth whose high toupee 
 
 Macle huge Plinlimmon bow his cloud-cropt head, 
 In humble Tyburn-top we see; 
 
 Esplashed with dirt and sun-burnt face; 
 
 Far on before the ladies mend their pace, 
 The Macaroni sneers, and will not see. 
 Dear lost companions of the coxcomb's art, 
 
 Dear as a turkey to these famished eyes, 
 Dear as the ruddy port which warms my heart, 
 
 Ye sunk amidst the fainting Misses' cries. 
 No more I weep — they do not sleep: 
 
 At yonder ball a slovenly band, 
 I see them sit, they linger yet, 
 
 Avengers of fair Nature's hand; 
 With me in dreadful resolution join, 
 To Crop with one accord, and starve their cursed line. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Weave the warp, and weave the woof, 
 
 The winding-sheet of barber's race; 
 Give ample room, and verge enough, 
 
 Their lengthened lanthorn jaws to trace. 
 Mark the year, and mark the night, 
 When all their shops shall echo with affright; 
 Loud screams shall through St. James's turrets ring, 
 To see, like Eton boy, the king! 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 157 
 
 Puppies of France, with unrelenting paws, 
 That crape the foretops of our aching heads; 
 
 No longer England owns thy fribblisb laws, 
 No more her folly Gallia's vermin feeds. 
 
 They wait at Dover for the first fair wind, 
 
 Soup-meagre in the van, and snuff roast-beef behind. 
 
 V. 
 
 Mighty barbers, mighty lords, 
 
 Low on a greasy bench they lie! 
 
 No pitying heart or purse affords 
 
 A sixpence for a mutton-pye! 
 Is the mealy 'prentice fledl 
 Poor Coe is gone, all supperless to bed. 
 The swarm that in thy shop each morning sat, 
 Comb their lank hair on forehead flat: 
 Fair laughs the morn, when all the world are beaux, 
 
 "While vainly strutting through a silly land, 
 In foppish train the puppy barber goes; 
 
 Lace on his shirt, and money at command, 
 Regardless of the skulking bailiff's sway, 
 That, hid in some dark court, expects his evening prey. 
 
 VI. 
 
 The porter-mug fill high, 
 
 Baked curls and locks prepare; 
 Reft of our heads, they yet by wigs may live, 
 
 Close by the greasy chair 
 Fell thirst and famine lie, 
 No more to art will beauteous nature give. 
 
 Heard ye the gang of Fielding say, 
 Sir John,* at last we've found their haunt, 
 To desperation driv'n by hungry want, 
 
 Thro' the crammed laughing Pit they steal their way. 
 Ye tow'rs of Newgate! London's lasting shame, 
 
 By many a foul and midnight murder fed, 
 Revere poor Mr. Coe, the blacksmith'st fame, 
 
 And spare the grinning barber's chuckle head. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Rascals! we tread thee under foot, 
 
 (Weave we the woof, the thread is spun;) 
 Our beards we pull out by the root; 
 
 (The web is wove, your work is done.) 
 "Stay, oh, stay! nor thus forlorn 
 Leave me uncurl'd, undinner'd, here to mourn." 
 
 * Sir John Fielding, the late active police magistrate. 
 t Coe's father, the well-known blacksmith and alderman, now no 
 more. 
 
158 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Thro' the broad gate that leads to College Hall, 
 
 They melt, they fly, they vanish all. 
 
 But, oh! what happy scenes of pure delight, 
 
 Slow moving on their simple charms unroll! 
 Ye rapt'rous visions! spare my aching sight, 
 
 Ye unborn beauties, crowd not on my soul! 
 No more our long-lost Coventry we wail: 
 All hail, ye genuine forms; fair nature's issue, hail! 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Not frizz'd and frittered, pinned and rolled, 
 
 Sublime their artless locks they wear, 
 And gorgeous dames, and judges old, 
 
 Without their tetes and wigs appear. 
 In the midst a form divine, 
 Her dress bespeaks the Pennsylvania line; 
 Her port demure, her grave, religious face, 
 Attempered sweet to virgin grace. 
 What sylphs and spirits wanton through the air! 
 
 What crowds of little angels round her play! 
 Hear from thy sepulchre, great Penn! oh, hear! 
 
 A scene like this might animate thy clay. 
 Simplicity now soaring as she sings, 
 Waves in the eye of heaven her Quaker-coloured wings. 
 
 IX. 
 
 No more toupees are seen 
 
 That mock at Alpine height, 
 And queues, with many a yard of riband bound, 
 
 All now are vanished quite. 
 No tongs or torturing pin, 
 But every head is trimmed quite snug around: 
 
 Like boys of the cathedral choir, 
 Curls, such as Adam wore, we wear; 
 Each simpler generation blooms more fair, 
 
 Till all that's artificial expire. 
 Vain puppy boy! think'st thou yon essenced cloud, 
 
 Raised by thy puff, can vie with Nature's hue] 
 To-morrow see the variegated crowd 
 
 With ringlets shining like the morning dew. 
 Enough for me: with joy I see 
 
 The different dooms our fates assign; 
 Be thine to love thy trade and starve, 
 
 To wear what heaven bestowed be mine. 
 He said, and headlong from the trap-stairs' height, 
 Quick thro 5 the frozen street he ran in shabby plight. 
 
 Whilst we are discussing the subject of hair, we ought not 
 to forget that, according to Lyson's Environs of London, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 159 
 
 THE FIRST PRELATE THAT WORE A WIG 
 
 was Archbishop Tillotson. In the great dining-room of 
 Lambeth Palace, he says, there are portraits of all the 
 Archbishops, from Laud to the present time, in which may 
 be observed the gradual change of the clerical habit, in the 
 article of wigs. Archbishop Tillotson was the first pre- 
 late that wore a wig, which then was not unlike the natural 
 hair, and worn without powder. In 1633, 21 James 1st, 
 
 THE OXFORD SCHOLARS WERE PROHIBITED FROM 
 WEARING BOOTS AND SPURS. 
 
 ''Care was taken," says Wood, "that formalities in 
 public assemblies should be used, which, through negli- 
 gence, were now, and sometime before, left off. That 
 the wearing of boots and spurs also be prohibited, 'a 
 fashion (as our Chancellor saith in his letters) rather be- 
 fitting the liberties of the Inns of Court than the strictness 
 of an academical life, which fashion is not only usurped by 
 the younger sort, but by the Masters of Arts, who prepos- 
 terously assume that part of the Doctor's formalities which 
 adviseth them to ryde ad prsedicandum Evangelium, but 
 in these days implying nothing else but animum desereiidii 
 studium*" It was therefore ordered, "that no person that 
 wears a gown wear boots ; if a graduate, he was to forfeit 
 2s. 6d. for the first time of wearing them, after order was 
 given to the contrary; for the second time 5s., and so to- 
 ties quoties. And if an 
 
 UNDERGRADUATE, WHIPPING, 
 Or other punishment, according to the will of the Vice- 
 Chancellor and Proctors, for every time he wore them." 
 And in 1608, when 
 
 ARCHBISHOP BANCROFT 
 Became Chancellor of Oxford, he decreed amongst other 
 things, "that indecency of attire be left off, and academical 
 habits be used in public assemblies, being now more re- 
 missly looked to than in former times. Also, that no oc- 
 casion of offence be given, long hair was not to be worn; 
 for whereas in the reign of Queen Elizabeth few or none 
 
160 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 wore their hair longer than their ears (for they that did so 
 were accounted by the graver and elder sort swaggerers 
 and ruffians,) now it was common even among scholars, 
 who were to be examples of modesty, gravity, and de- 
 cency." 
 
 WAKEFIELD'S EPIGRAM ON THE FLYING BARBER 
 OF CAMBRIDGE, 
 
 Which his college friend, Dyer, has given in his Supple- 
 ment, under the head "Seria Ludo," with the happy, 
 original motto — 
 
 With serious truths we mix a little fun, 
 And now and then we treat you with a pun. 
 
 The subject of the epigram, he says (the original of which 
 Mr. W. sent to a friend,) "was Mr. Foster, formerly of 
 Cambridge, who, on account of his rapidity in conversa- 
 tion, in walking, and more particularly in the exercise of 
 his profession, was called (by the Cantabs) the Flying 
 Barber. He was a great oddity, and gave birth to many 
 a piece of fun in the university: — 
 
 Tonsor ego: vultus radendo spumeus albet, 
 
 Mappa subest, ardet culter, et unda tepet. 
 Glu am versat gladium cito dextra, novae ula levis, 
 
 Mox tua tarn celeri strinxerit ora manu. 
 Cedite, Romani Tonsores, cedite Graii; 
 
 Tonsorem regio non habet ulla parem. 
 Imberbes Grantam, barbati accedite Grantam; 
 
 Ilia polit mentesj et polit ilia genas. 
 
 THE ISTHMUS OF SUEZ. 
 
 The men of St. John's College, Cambridge, like every 
 other society in both Oxford and Cambridge, have their 
 soubriquet. From what cause they obtained that of 
 "Johnian Hogs" is yet scarcely settled, though much has 
 been written thereon, extant in The Gradus ad Cant. n 
 Facetiae Cant, and The Cambridge Tart. It proved of 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 161 
 
 some service, however, to a wag of the society (and to 
 them the merit of punning was conceded in the Spectator's 
 time,) in giving him an idea for a name for the elegant one- 
 arched covered bridge which joins the superb Gothic court 
 they have lately added to the fine old college, after the 
 designs of Messrs. Hutchinson and Rickman of Birming- 
 ham. The question was discussed at a wine party, and 
 one proposed calling it the "Bridge of Sighs," as it led to 
 most of the tutors' and deans' rooms, from whom issued all 
 impositions (punishments,) &c. "I have it!" exclaimed 
 a wag, his eyes beaming brighter than his sparkling glass 
 — "I have it! Call it the Isthmus of Suez!" Id est 
 The Hog's Isthmus, from the Latin word sus, a sow, 
 which makes sins in the genitive case, and proves our 
 Johnian to be a punster worthy of his school. 
 
 YOU ARE TO PRAY AND FIGHT, NOT TO DRINK 
 FOR THE CHURCH. 
 
 Mr. Jones, of Welwvn, relates, on the authority of Old 
 Mr. Bunburry, of Brazen-nose College, that Bishop Ken- 
 nett, when a young man, being one of the Oxford Pro- 
 Proctors, and a very active one, about James the Second's 
 reign, going his rounds one evening, found a company of 
 gownsmen engaged on a drinking bout, to whom his then 
 high church principles were notorious (though he after- 
 wards changed them, sided with Bishop Hoadley, and ob- 
 tained the soubriquet of iceather-cock Kennett. ) When he 
 entered the room, he reprimanded them for keeping such 
 late hours, especially over the bottle, rather than over 
 their studies in their respective colleges, and ordered them 
 to disperse. One in the company, who knew his political 
 turn, addressed him with, "Mr. Proctor, you will, I am 
 sure, excuse us when I say, we were met to drink prosperity 
 to thechurclu to which you can have no objection/' "Sir," 
 was his answer, with a solemn air, "we are to pray for 
 the church, and to fight for the church, not to drink for 
 the church. 55 Upon which the company paid their reck- 
 
 : g and dispersed. There is a curious print in the Li- 
 
 H 2 
 
162 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 brary of the Antiquarians, of an altar-piece, which the 
 rector of Whitechapel, Dr. Walton, caused to be painted 
 and put up in his church, representing Christ and his 
 twelve apostles eating the passover, wherein Bishop Ken- 
 nett (the "Traitor Dean," as his siding with Hoadley 
 caused him to be designated) is painted as Judas. 
 
 SIGNS OF A GOOD APPETITE. 
 
 When a late master of Richmond School, Yorkshire, 
 came, a raw lad in his teens, to matriculate at Trinity 
 College, Cambridge, he was invited to dinner by his tutor, 
 and happened to be seated opposite some boiled fowls, 
 which, having just emptied a plate of his quantum of fish, 
 he was requested to carve. He accordingly took one on 
 his plate, but not being a carver \ he leisurely ate the whole 
 of it, minus the bones, not at all disconcerted by the 
 smiles of the other guests: and when the cheese appeared, 
 and his host cut a plateful for him to pass round the table, 
 he coolly set to and eat the whole himself. He, notwith- 
 standing, proved a good scholar, and distinguished himself 
 both in classics and mathematics, is now a canon residen- 
 tiary of St. Paul's, and a very worthy divine, who has 
 earned his reputation, preferments, and dignities by his 
 merits only. 
 
 A COLLEGE GtUIZ. 
 
 The following effusion of humour was the production of 
 a very pleasant fellow, an Oxford scholar, now no more, 
 who, says Angelo, in his Reminiscences, "was a great fa- 
 vourite among his brother collegians," and a humourist: — 
 "Lost £\0 this morning, May 15, 1808, in Peckwater 
 Quadrangle, near No. 6. Any nobleman, gentleman, 
 common student, or commoner, who will, as soon as pos- 
 sible, bring the same back to the afflicted loser, shall, with 
 pleasure, receive ten guineas reward; a suitor shall re- 
 ceive Jive guineas; and a scout or porter, one guinea. The 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 165 
 
 notes were all Bank of England notes, I only received this 
 
 morning from my father. My name is •, and I 
 
 lodge at , facing Tom Gate, where I am anxiously 
 
 waiting for some kind friend to bring them to me. — Vi- 
 vant Bex et Regina." 
 
 SUCKING THE MILK OF BOTH UNIVERSITIES 
 
 Is an epithet applied to those members who, after gradu- 
 ating at one proceeds to a like degree at the other. A 
 party one day disputing as to whether Oxford or Cam- 
 bridge was the more distinguished seat of learning, — "It 
 can't affect me," exclaimed one of them, "for I was edu- 
 cated at both." Upon which a wag observed, "He reminded 
 him of a calf that was suckled by two cows. " "How so?" 
 said the other. "Why, it turned out the greatest calf I 
 ever knew," was the retort. 
 
 Amongst the musical professors of Cambridge, and not 
 the least, who was organist of King's College also, in the 
 beginning of the eighteenth century, was Dr. Thomas 
 Tudway. He was a notorious wag, and when several of 
 the members of the University of Cambridge expressed 
 their discontent at the paucity of the patronage, and the 
 rigour of the government of the "proud Duke of Somer- 
 set," whose statue graces their senate house, he facetiously 
 observed — 
 
 " The Chancellor rides us all without a bit in our mouths." 
 
 LIKE RABELAIS, 
 
 In him the passion for punning was strong in death, though 
 less profane. When he laid dangerously ill of the quinsy 
 (of which he soon after died,) his physician, seeing some 
 hope, turned from his patient to Mrs. Tudway, who was 
 weeping in despair at his danger, and observed, "Courage, 
 madam! the Dr. will get up May-hill yet, he has swallow- 
 ed some nourishment." Upon which Dr. Tudway said, 
 
164 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 as well as his disease would permit him to articulate, 
 "Don't mind him, my dear: one swallow don't make a 
 summer. " 
 
 AMBASSADORS OP KING JESUS AT OXFORD. 
 
 The Rev. Charles Godwyn, B. D., Fellow of Baliol 
 College, grandson to Dr. Francis G., Bishop of Hereford, 
 in a letter, dated March 14, 1768, printed in Nichols's 
 Anecdotes, says, "a very sad affair has happened" at Ox- 
 ford. "The principal of Edmund Hall (Dr. George Dix- 
 on) has been indiscreet enough to admit into his hall, by 
 the recommendation of Lady Huntingdon, seven London 
 tradesmen, one a tapster, another a barber, &c. They 
 have little or no learning, but all of them have a high opi- 
 nion of themselves, as being ambassadors of King Jesus. 
 One of them, upon that title conferred by himself, has been 
 a preacher. Complaint was made to the Vice-Chancellor, 
 Dr. David Durell (principal of Hertford College,) I be- 
 lieve, by the Bishop of Oxford; and he, in his own right, 
 as Vice-Chancellor, had last week a visitation of the hall. 
 Some of the preaching tradesmen were found so void of 
 learning, that they were expelled from the hall." 
 
 A SURPRISING EFFORT OF INTELLECT. 
 
 Robert Austin, a Fellow of King's College, Cambridge, 
 was amanuensis to the famous Arabic professor, Wheelock, 
 who employed him in correcting the press of his Persic 
 Gospels, the first of the kind ever printed, with a Latin 
 translation and notes. Of this surprising young man, he 
 says, "in the space of two months, not knowing a letter in 
 Arabic or Persic at the beginning, he sent a letter to me 
 in Norfolk, of peculiar passages, so that of his age I never 
 met with the like; and his indefatigable patience, and ho- 
 nesty, or ingenuity, exceed, if possible, his capacity." 
 But his immoderate application brought on a derangement 
 of mind, and he died early in 1654. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 165 
 
 JUDGMENT OF PROFESSOR HALLIFAX. 
 
 When Queen Elizabeth was questioned on the subject 
 of her faith in the Sacrament, she dexterously avoided giv- 
 ing often ce by replying — 
 
 "Christ was the word that spake it, 
 He took the bread and brake it, 
 And what his word did make it, 
 That I believe, and take it." 
 
 Scarcely less ingenious was the reply of Bishop Hallifax, 
 when Regius Professor of Civil Law at Cambridge, upon 
 Dr. Parr and the Rev. Joseph Smith (both resident at 
 Stanmore) applying to him for his judgment on a literary 
 dispute between them. His response was in the following 
 official language, by which he dexterously avoided the im- 
 putation of partiality: — 
 
 11 Nolo interponere judicium mewniP 
 
 His name reminds me that he married a Cooke, the daugh- 
 ter of Dr. William Cooke, Provost of King's College, 
 Cambridge, for whom George the Third had so great a 
 regard, that he extended it to his children. The Bishop 
 and his wife being at Cheltenham when the King w r as there, 
 and some person asking why his Majesty paid Dr. Hallifax 
 such marked respect, was answered, "Sir, he married a 
 Cooke*" This being in the presence of 
 
 THE CELEBRATED OXONIAN, DEAN TUCKER, 
 
 "I, too," he facetiously remarked, ' ; have a claim to his 
 Majesty's attention, for I married a cook," alluding to the 
 fact, that his second wife originally held that rank in his 
 domestic establishment. 
 
 OH! FOR A DISTICH. 
 
 A Pembrokian Cantab, named Penly cross, having writ- 
 ten an Essay, a candidate for the Norrisian prize (which 
 it was necessary he should subscribe with a Greek or La- 
 
166 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 tin motto, as well as a sealed letter, enclosing his name, 
 after being for a time at a loss for one,) and having an 
 ominous presentiment of its rejection, he seized his pen 
 and subscribed the following on both: 
 
 "Distiehon ut poscas nolente, volente, Minerva, 
 Mos sacer] Unde mihi distichon'? En perago." 
 
 "Without a distich, vain the oration is; 
 Oh! for a distich! Doctor, e'en take this/' 
 
 SKELETON SERMONS. 
 
 The author of the Pursuits of Literature ridicules the 
 epithet "Skeleton Sermons," as ' 'ridiculous and absurd," 
 speaking of those of the Rev. Charles Simeon, M.A. now 
 Senior Fellow of King's College. When, in 1796, that 
 divine published his edition of Claude's Essay on a Ser- 
 mon, ivith an Appendix containing one hundred Skeleton 
 Sermons, the celebrated Dr. William Cooke, father of the 
 late Regius Professor of Greek, was Provost of King's, and 
 to him, as in duty bound, Mr. Simeon presented a copy. 
 The Provost read it with his natural appearance of a proud 
 and dignified humility, and, struck with the unfortunate 
 and somewhat ludicrous title of Skeleton Sermons, "Skele- 
 tons! skeletons!" he exclaimed, in his significant way, 
 "Shall these dry bones live?" What would the Provost 
 have thought and said, had he lived to see an edition of 
 them in ten volumes 4to. price ten guineas? 
 
 I WISH HE HAD PAID IT FIRST. 
 
 The present Vice-Master of Trinity College, Cambridge, 
 being told that one of his pupils, the author of "Alma Ma- 
 ter," had therein published his bill, coolly replied, "I 
 wish he had paid it first." Another Cantab had — 
 
 A MIND TO MAKE TRIAL OF THE STOCKS, 
 Which unluckily stood in the church-yard, and it hap- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 167 
 
 pening to be a saint's day, the congregation were at pray- 
 ers, of which he was ignorant, when he got a friend to put 
 him in. His friend sauntered away, whether wilfully or 
 not I leave my readers to guess, and he was in vain strug- 
 gling to release himself, when the congregation issued 
 forth, who were not a little moved at his situation. Many 
 laughed, but one, an old woman, compassionately released 
 him. A similar story is told of the celebrated son of 
 Granta, 
 
 LORD CHIEF JUSTICE PRATT, 
 
 Who had afterwards to try a cause in which the plaintiff* 
 had brought his action against a magistrate for falsely im- 
 prisoning him in the stocks. The counsel for the defence 
 arguing that the action was a frivolous one, on the ground 
 that the stocks were no punishment, his Lordship beck- 
 oned his learned brother to him, and told him, in his ear, 
 that having himself been put in the stocks, he could assure 
 him it was no such slight punishment as he represented, 
 and the plaintiff' obtained a verdict against the magistrate 
 in consequence. 
 
 HISSING VERSUS MONEY. 
 
 Parker says, in his Musical Memoirs, that the Oxford 
 scholars once hissed Madame Mara, conceiving she as- 
 sumed too much importance in her bearing. No wonder 
 they so treated Signor Samperio, one evening at a concert, 
 attracted, when he came forward to sing, by his "tall, lank 
 figure, sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, and shrill voice;" in 
 fact, they hissed him off before he had half got through his 
 cavatina. The gentleman who acted as steward was deep- 
 ly moved at his situation, and, going up to Samperio, en- 
 deavoured to soothe him. But the signor, not at all hurt, 
 replied, "0, sare, never mind; dey may hissa me as much 
 as dey please, if I getti di money." Another anecdote is 
 told of — 
 
 TWO OXFORD SCHOLARS POSING DR. HAYES, 
 The late musical professor, who was some six feet high, 
 
168 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 and scarcely inferior in bulk to the famous Essex miller. 
 He had at last so much difficulty in getting in and out of 
 a stage coach, that whenever he went from Oxford to Lon- 
 don to conduct the annual performances at St. Paul's, for 
 the benefit of the Sons of the Clergy, which he did for ma- 
 ny years gratis, his custom was to engage a whole seat to 
 himself, and when once in and seated to remain so till the 
 end of the journey. The fact became known to two Ox- 
 ford wags, who resolved to pose the Doctor, and to that end 
 engaged the other two inside places, and taking care to be 
 there before him, seated themselves in the opposite corners, 
 one to the right the other to the left, and there the Doctor 
 found them, on arriving to take his place. "How was he 
 to dispose of his corpus?" was the query: they had a clear 
 right to their seats, and no alternative seemed left him, as 
 they declined moving, but to place his head in one corner 
 and his feet in the other. At last our Oxonians, having 
 fully enjoyed the dilemma in which they had placed the 
 Doctor, consented to give way, confessed their purpose, 
 and even the Doctor had the good sense to laugh at his own 
 expense. 
 
 GROSS INDEED. 
 
 When the celebrated Cantab, and editor of Lucretius, 
 Gilbert Wakefield, was convicted of a libel before the late 
 Judge Grose, who sentenced him to fine and imprisonment, 
 turning from the bar, he said, with the spirit of a French- 
 man, it was — "gross indeed." To the same learned Can- 
 tab, Dyer attributes the following — 
 
 PUN UPON PYE. 
 
 Being asked once his opinion of the poetry of Pye, the 
 then Poet Laureat, his reply was, that he thought very 
 handsomely of some of Mr. P.'s poems, which he had 
 read. This did not suffice, and he was pressed for his opi- 
 nion of the Laureat-Ode that had just appeared in the pub- 
 lic prints. Not having seen it, he desired his friend to 
 read it to him, and the introductory lines containing some- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 169 
 
 thing about the singing of birds, Wakefield abruptly 
 silenced him with this happy allusion to the Laureat's 
 name, in the following nursery rhymes: — 
 
 "And when the pie was opened, 
 
 The birds began to sing: 
 And was not this a dainty dish 
 
 To set before a king." 
 
 THE CAMBRIDGE FAMILY OF SPINTEXTS 
 
 Begun with John Alcock, LL.D., Bishop of Ely, and 
 founder of Jesus College. 
 
 "Garrulus nunc quando consumet cunq; loquaces, 
 Si sapiatj vitet, simul at que adoluerit aetas." 
 
 In 1483, says Wilson, in his Memorabilia Cantabrigiae, 
 he preached before the University "Bonum et blandum 
 sermonemprsedicavit, et duravit in horam tertiam et ultra," 
 which is supposed to be a sermon that was printed in his 
 lifetime, in 1498, by the famous Pynson, entitled, "Galli 
 Cantus ad Confr aires suos Curatos in Synodo, apud 
 Barnwell, 25th September, 1498," at the head of which is 
 a print of the Bishop preaching to the Clergy, with a cock 
 at each side, and another in the first page. The next 
 most celebrated preacher of this class was 
 
 DOCTOR ISAAC BARROW, 
 
 The friend, partly tutor, and most learned contemporary 
 of Newton, whom Charles the Second said was an unfair 
 preacher, leaving nothing new to be said by those who fol- 
 lowed him. He was once appointed, upon some public 
 occasion, to preach before the Dean and Chapter in West- 
 minster Abbey, and gave them a discourse of nearly four 
 hours in length. During the latter part of it, the congre- 
 gation became so tired of sitting, that they dropped out, one 
 by one, till scarcely another creature besides the Dean and 
 choristers were left. Courtesy kept the Dean in his place, 
 but soon his patience got the better of his manners, 
 
 ci Verba per attentam non ibunt Czesaris aurenij" 
 o 
 
170 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 and beckoning one of the singing boys, he desired him to 
 go and tell the organist to play him down, which was done. 
 When asked, on descending from the pulpit, if he did not 
 feel exhausted, he replied, "No; only a little tired with 
 standing so long. " A third "long-winded preacher" (and 
 they were never admired at either Oxford or Cambridge, 
 where 4 'short and sweet" is preferred) was 
 
 DOCTOR SAMUEL PARR. 
 
 He delivered his justly celebrated Spital Sermon in 
 the accustomed place, Christ-Church, Newgate Street, 
 Easter Tuesday, 1800, before his friend, Harvey Christian 
 Combe, Esq., M.P., the celebrated brewer, then Lord 
 Mayor. "Before the service begun," says one of his 
 friends, "I went into the vestry, and found Dr. Parr seated, 
 with pipes and tobacco placed before him on the table. He 
 evidently felt the importance of the occasion, but felt, at 
 the same time, a confidence in his own powers. When 
 he ascended the pulpit, a profound silence prevailed. The 
 sermon occupied nearly an hour and a quarter in the de- 
 livery ; and in allusion to its extreme length, it was re- 
 marked by a lady, who had been asked her opinion of it, 
 * 'enough there is, and more than enough" — the first words 
 of its first sentence, — a bon mot he is said to have received 
 with good humour. As he and the Lord Mayor were 
 coming out of the church, the latter, albeit unused to the 
 facetious mode, "Well," said Dr. Parr to him, always 
 anxious for well-merited praise, "how did you like the ser- 
 mon? Let me have the suffrage of your strong and honest 
 understanding." "Why, Doctor," returned his lordship, 
 "there were four things in your sermon I did not like to 
 hear." "State them," replied Parr, eagerly. "Why, to 
 speak frankly, then," said Combe, "they were the quarters 
 of the church clock, which struck four times before you had 
 finished it." "I once saw, lying in the Chapter Coffee- 
 house," says Dyer, in a letter printed in Parriana, "the 
 Doctor's Spital Sermon, with a comical caricature of him, 
 in the pulpit, preaching and smoking at the same time, 
 with exfumo dare lucem issuing from his mouth." 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 171 
 
 ANOTHER CLASS OF PREACHERS 
 
 At Cambridge, and eke at Oxford, have taken an opposite 
 course, and from their being to be had at all times, have at the 
 former place, obtained the soubriquet "Hack Preachers." 
 In the Gradus ad Cantabrigiam, they are described as 
 "the common exhibitioners at St. Mary's, employed in the 
 service of defaulters and absentees. It must be confessed, 
 however," adds this writer, "that these hacks are good 
 fast trotters, as they commonly go over the course in twen- 
 ty minutes, and sometimes less." Gilbert Wakefield, 
 whom nobody will suspect of forbearance, calls them, in 
 his Memoirs, "a piteous, unedifying tribe." This, how- 
 ever, can scarcely be applied to the ordinary preachers of 
 the present day, and especial care is taken by the heads of 
 the university that the select preachers (one of whom- is 
 named for each month during term-time) do not name sub- 
 stitutes themselves. The following poetic jeu d' esprit^ 
 entitled "Lines on three of the appointed Preachers of St. 
 Maryfs, Cambridge, attacking Calvin*" were no others 
 than the three eminent living divines, Dr. Butler, Dr. 
 Maltby, Bishop of Chichester, and Dr. Herbert Marsh, 
 Bishop of Peterborough: — 
 
 "Three Preachers, in three distant counties born. 
 The Church of England's doctrines do adorn: 
 Harsh Calvin's mystic tenets were their mark, 
 Foimded in texts perverted, gloomy, dark. 
 Butler in clearness and in force surpassed, 
 Maltby with sweetness spoke of ages past; 
 Whilst Marsh himself, who scarce could further go, 
 With Criticism? s fetters bound the foe." 
 
 This punning morsel, of some standing in the universi- 
 ty, is scarce surpassed by Hood himself: — 
 
 THE THREE-HEADED PRIEST. 
 
 Old Doctor Delve, a scribbling quiz, 
 
 Afraid of critics' jibes, 
 By turns assumes the various phiz 
 
 Of three old classic scribes. 
 
 Though now with high erected head, 
 And lordly strut he'll go by us, 
 
172 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 He once made lawyers' robes, 'tis said. 
 And called himself Mac-robius. 
 
 Last night I asked the man to sup, 
 Who showed a second alias; 
 
 He gobbled all my jellies «£?, 
 O greedy Aulus Gellms. 
 
 On Sunday, arrogant and proud } 
 He purrs like any tom-puss, 
 
 And reads the Word of God so loud, 
 He must be Theo-pompus. 
 
 MY BEEF BURNT TO A CINDER. 
 
 The family of the Spintexts have, it appears, very lately 
 put forth a scion, in the person of a learned divine, a Fel- 
 low of Trinity College, Cambridge, who, being appointed 
 a Select Preacher in 1833, delivered a discourse of the ex- 
 traordinary duration of an hour and a half! The present 
 Father of the University and Master of Peter-house, Dr. 
 Francis Barnes, upwards of ninety years of age, was one 
 of the heads present. He sat out the first three quarters 
 of an hour, but then began to bejidgetty. Another quar- 
 ter of an hour expired, — the preacher was still in the midst 
 of his discourse. The Doctor (now become right down 
 impatient,) being seated the lowest (next to the Vice-Chan- 
 cellor) in Golgotha, or the "Place of Skulls," as it is call- 
 ed, he moved, first one seat higher (the preacher is still on 
 his legs,) then to a third, then to a fourth, then to a fifth; 
 and before the hour and a half had quite expired, he joined 
 one of the junior esquire bedells at the top, to whom he 
 observed, with that original expression of face for which 
 he is so remarkable, "my beef is burnt to a cinder." 
 
 SHORT HAND WRITING WAS INVENTED BY A 
 CANTAB, 
 
 According to the first volume of the Librarian, published 
 by Mr. Savage, of the London Institution; who says, that 
 the first work printed on the subject was by Dr. Timothy 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 173 
 
 Bright, of Cambridge, in 1598, who dedicated it to Queen 
 Elizabeth, under the title of "An art of short, swift, and 
 secret writing, by Character." 
 
 THE HUMBLE PETITION OF THE LADIES. 
 
 Before the erection of the Senate-House in the Univer- 
 sity of Cambridge, the annual grand Commencement was 
 held in St. Mary's, the University church. "It seems, 5 * 
 says Dyer, in his History of Cambridge, "that on these 
 occasions (the time when gentlemen take their degrees") 
 that is, the degree of M.A. more particularly, "ladies had 
 been allowed to sit in that part of the church assigned to 
 the doctors, called the throne: it was, however, at length 
 agreed amongst them (the doctors) that ladies should be 
 no longer permitted to sit there; and the place assigned 
 to them was under the throne, in the church." This in- 
 vasion of what the fair almost looked upon as the abstrac- 
 tion of a right, led to a partial war of words and inuendos, 
 and the matter was at last taken up by the facetious Roger 
 Long, D.D., Master of Pembroke College, who, he adds, 
 in his Supplement to his History, was celebrated for his 
 Treatise on Astronomy, and for his erection of a sphere in 
 his College eighteen feet in diameter, still shown there. 
 On this humorous occasion, he was a dissentient against 
 the Heads, not a little bustle was excited amongst the 
 Cambridge ladies, a subject for a few jokes was afforded 
 the wags of the University, and he produced his famous 
 music -speech, spoken at the public Commencement of 
 1714, on the 6th of July, which was afterwards published, 
 but is now very scarce. It was delivered in an assumed 
 character, as "being the Petition of the Ladies of Cam- 
 bridge," and is full of whim and humour, in Swift's best 
 manner, beginning — 
 
 "The humble petition of the ladies, who are all ready to be eaten up 
 
 with the spleen, 
 To think they are to be cooped up in the Chancel, where they can 
 
 neither see nor be seen, 
 But must sit in the dumps by themselves, all stew'd and pent up, 
 And can only peep through the lattice, like so many chickens in a 
 
 coop; 
 
 o2 
 
174 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Whereas last Commencement the ladies had a gallery provided near 
 
 enough. 
 To see the heads sleep, and the fellow-commoners take snuff." 
 
 "How he could have delivered it in so sacred a place as 
 St. Mary's," says Dyer, "is matter of surprise (though 
 they say, good fun, like good coin, is current anywhere.") 
 It is pleasant to see a grave man descend from liis heights, 
 as Pope says, "to guard the fair." Though nobody could 
 probably be much offended at the time, unless the Vice- 
 Chancellor, whom, if we understand the writer's meaning, 
 he calls an old woman, when he says — 
 
 "Such cross ill-natured doings as these are, even a saint would vex. 
 To see a Vice-Chancellor so barbarous to one of his own sex." 
 
 But the Doctor had 
 
 A NATURAL TURN FOR HUMOUR, 
 
 As is further illustrated by the celebrated Mr. Jones, of 
 Welwyn, who calls him "a very ingenious person." "At 
 the public Commencement of 1713," he says, "Dr. Greene 
 (Master of Bene't College, and afterwards Bishop of Ely) 
 being then Vice-chancellor, Mr. Long was pitched upon 
 for the tripos performance: it was witty and humorous, 
 and has passed through divers editions. Some who re- 
 membered the delivery of it, told me, that in addressing 
 the Yice-Chancellor (whom the University wags usually 
 styled Miss Greene,) the tripos -orator, being a native of 
 Norfolk, and assuming the Norfolk dialect, instead of say- 
 ing DominE Vice-CancellariE, did very audibly pronounce 
 the words thus, — DomiiiA Vice-CancellariA; which occa- 
 sioned a general smile in that great auditory." I could 
 recollect several other 
 
 INGENIOUS REPARTEES 
 
 Of his, if there were occasion, adds Mr. Jones: but his 
 friend, Mr. Bonfoy, of Ripon, told me this little incident: 
 — that he, and Di\ Long walking together in Cambridge, 
 in a dusky evening, and coming to a short post fixed in the 
 pavement, which Mr. B., in the midst of chat and inat- 
 tention, took to be a boy standing in his way, he said in a 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 
 
 175 
 
 hurry, "Get out of my way, boy." "That boy, sir," said 
 the Doctor, very calmly and slily, "is a post boy, who 
 turns off his way for nobody." 
 
 CELEBRATED ALL OVER GERMANY. 
 
 George the Second is said, like his father, to have had a 
 strong predilection for his continental dominions, of which 
 his ministers did not fail, occasionally, to take advantage, 
 A residentiary of St. Paul's cathedral happening to fall 
 vacant, Lord Granville was anxious to secure it for the 
 learned translator of Demosthenes, Dr. John Taylor, fel- 
 low of St. John's College, Cambridge. The King started 
 some scruples at first, but his Lordship carried his point 
 easily, on assuring his Majesty, which was the fact, that 
 "the Doctor's learning was celebrated all over Germany. 
 
 REBUSES AT OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE. 
 
 BECKINGTON. 
 
 The learned prelate, at whose expense the rector's lodg- 
 ings were built at Lincoln College, Oxford, is commemo- 
 rated by his rebus, a beacon and a tun, which may still be 
 traced on the walls. 
 
 ALCOCK, 
 
 Founder of Jesus College, Cambridge, and Bishop of Ely, 
 either rebused himself, or was rebused by others, in almost 
 every conspicuous part of his College, by a cock perched 
 upon a globe. On one window is a cock with a label from 
 its mouth, bearing the inscription, e>* u/u **«*»/>: to which 
 another opposite bravely crows, says Cole, Ov™? w «>*>: 
 
 "I am a cock!" the one doth cry: 
 And t'other answers— "So am I." 
 
 There is a plate of him at the head of his celebrated Ser- 
 
176 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 mon, printed by Pynson, in 1498, with a cock at each side, 
 and another on the first page. The subject of the dis- 
 course is the crowing of the cock when Peter denied Christ. 
 
 EGLESFIELD, 
 
 The celebrated founder of Queen's College, Oxford, who 
 was a native of Cumberland, and confessor to Philippa, 
 Queen of Edward the Third, gave the College, for its arms, 
 three spread eagles; but a singular custom, according to a 
 rebus, has been founded upon the fanciful derivation of his 
 name, from aiguille, needle, and^/, thread; and it became 
 a commemorative mark of respect, continued to this day, 
 for each member of the College to receive from the Bursar, 
 on New Year's Day, a needle and thread, with the advice, 
 "Take this and be thrifty." "These conceits were not 
 unusual at the time the College was founded," says Chal- 
 mers, in his History of Oxford, "and are sometimes thought 
 trifling, merely because we cannot trace their original use 
 and signification. Hollingshed informs us, that when the 
 Prince of Wales, afterwards Henry the Fifth, who was 
 educated at this College, went to Court in order to clear 
 himself from certain charges of disaffection, he wore a 
 gown of blue satin, full of oilet holes, and at every hole a 
 needle hanging by a silk thread. This is supposed to 
 prove at least, that he was an academician of Queen's, and 
 it may be conjectured that this was the original academical 
 dress." The same writer says, the Founder ordered that 
 the Society should "be called to their meals by the sound 
 of the trumpet (a practice which still prevails, as does a 
 similar one at the Middle Temple, London, and the Fel- 
 lows being placed on one side of the table in robes of scar- 
 let (those of the Doctor's faced with black fur,) were to 
 oppose in philosophy the poor scholars, who, in token of 
 submission and humility, kept on the other side. As late 
 as the last century the Fellows and Taberders used some- 
 times to dispute on Sundays and holidays. 
 
 ASHTON. 
 
 In an arched recess of the ante-chapel of St. John's Col- 
 lege, Cambridge, is the tomb of the celebrated Dr. Hugh 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 177 
 
 Ashton, who took part with the famous Bishop Fisher (be- 
 headed by Henry the Eighth) in the erection of the build- 
 ings of that learned foundation, and was the second Master 
 of the Society. His tomb, as Fuller observes, exhibits 
 "the marble effigy of his body when living, and the humi- 
 liating contrast of his skeleton when dead, with the usual 
 conceit of the times, the figure of an ash tree growing out 
 of a tun." 
 
 LAKE LEMAN. 
 Dyer records of the learned contemporary and antiqua- 
 rian coadjutor of the late Bishop of Cloyne, the Rev. Mr. 
 Leman, a descendant of the famous Sir Robert Naunton, 
 Public Orator at Cambridge, and a Secretary of State, that 
 "his drawing-room was painted en fresco with the scenery 
 around Lake Leman." 
 
 SOMETHING IN YOUR WAY. 
 The same relates of himself, that, one day looking at 
 some caricatures at a window in Fleet-street, Peter Pin- 
 dar (Dr. Wolcot,) whom he knew, came up to him. 
 "There, sir," said Mr. Dyer to the Doctor, pointing to the 
 caricatures, "is something in your way." "And there is 
 something in your way," rejoined the Doctor, pointing to 
 some of the ladies of the pave who happened to be passing. 
 Peter was sure to pay in full. 
 
 DUNS 
 Have ever been a grievous source of disquietude to both 
 Oxonians and Cantabs. Tom Randolph, the favourite son 
 of Ben Johnson, made them the subject of his muse. But 
 in no instance, perhaps, have the race been so completely 
 put to the blush, "couleur de rose," as by the following 
 
 ODE ON THE PLEASURE OF BEING OUT OF DEBT. 
 
 Horace, Ode XXII. Book I. Imitated. 
 
 Integer vitce scelerisque puruSj <frc. 
 
 I. 
 
 The man who not a farthing owes, 
 Looks down with scornful eye on those 
 Who rise by fraud and cunning; 
 
178 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Though in the Pig-market he stand. 
 With aspect grave and clear-starched band, 
 He fears no tradesman's dunning. 
 
 II. 
 
 He passes by each shop in town, 
 Nor hides his face beneath his gown, 
 
 No dread his heart invading; 
 He quaffs the nectar of the Tuns, 
 Or on a spur-gall'd hackney runs 
 
 To London masquerading. 
 
 III. 
 
 What joy attends a new-paid debt! 
 Our Manciple* I lately met, 
 
 Of visage wise and prudent; 
 I on the nail my battels paid, 
 The master turn'd away dismay 'd, 
 
 Hear this each Oxford student! 
 
 IV. 
 
 With justice and with truth to trace 
 The grisly features of his face, 
 
 Exceeds all man's recounting; 
 Suffice, he look'd as grim and sour 
 As any lion in the Tower, 
 
 Or half starved cat-a-mountain. 
 
 A phiz so grim you scarce can meet, 
 In Bedlam, Newgate, or the Fleet, 
 
 Dry nurse of faces horrid! 
 Not Buckhorse fierce, with many a bruise, 
 Displays such complicated hues 
 
 On his undaunted forehead. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Place me on Scotland's bleakest hill. 
 Provided I can pay my bill, 
 
 Stay ev'ry thought of sorrow; 
 There falling sleet, or frost, or rain, 
 Attack a soul resolved, in vain — 
 
 It may be fair to-morrow. 
 
 *Churton says, in his Lives of the Founders of Brazenose College, 
 Oxford, that "Manciples, the purveyors general of Colleges and 
 Halls, were formerly men of so much consequence, that, to check 
 their ambition, it was ordered by an express statute, that no Manci- 
 ple should be Principal of a Hall." 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 179 
 
 VII. 
 
 To Haddington then let me stray, 
 And take Joe Pulleris tree away, 
 
 I'll ne'er complain of Phoebus; 
 But while he scorches up the grass, 
 I'll fill a bumper to my lass, 
 
 And toast her in a rebus. 
 
 GtUEERING A DUN. 
 
 A Cambridge wag who was skilled in the science of elec- 
 tricity, as well as in the art of ticking, having got in pret- 
 ty deep with his tailor, who was continually dunning him 
 for payment, resolved to give snip "a settler," as he said, 
 the next time he mounted his stairs. He accordingly 
 charged his electrifying machine much deeper than usual, 
 and knowing pretty well the time of snip's approach, watch- 
 ed his coming to the foot of the stairs where he kept, and ere 
 he could reach the door, fixed the conductor to the brass 
 handle. The tailor having long in vain sought occasion to 
 catch him with his outer door not sported, was so delighted 
 at finding it so, that, resolving not to lose time, he seized 
 the handle of the inner door, so temptingly exposed to 
 view, determining to introduce himself to his creditor sans 
 ceremonie. No sooner, however, did his fingers come in 
 contact with it than the shock followed, so violent, that it 
 stunned him for an instant: but recovering himself, he 
 bolted as though followed, as the poet says, by "ten thou- 
 sand devils,' 9 never again to return. 
 
 GRAY THE POET A CONTRAST TO BISHOP 
 WARBURTON. 
 
 Gray's letters, and Bishop Warburton's polemical wri- 
 tings, show, that in more respects than one they were gift- 
 ed with a like temperament: but in the following instances 
 they form a contrast to each other. In the library of the 
 British Museum is an interesting letter occasioned by the 
 death of the Rev. N. Nicholls, LL.B., Rector of Loud and 
 Brad well, in Suffolk, from the pen of the now generally 
 
180 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 acknowledged author of "The Pursuits of Literature," 
 J. T. Mathias, M. A. , in which he says, that shortly after 
 that elegant scholar, and lamented divine, became a stu- 
 dent of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, at the age of eighteen, a 
 friend introduced him to Gray, the poet, at that time redo- 
 lent with fame, and resident in Peter-House, to speak to 
 whom was honourable; but to be admitted to his acquaint- 
 ance, or to his familiarity, was the height of youthful, or 
 indeed of any ambition. Shortly after this, Mr. N. was 
 in a company of which Mr. Gray was one; and, as it be- 
 came his youth, he did not enter into conversation, but 
 listened with attention. The subject, however, being 
 general and classical, and as Mr. Nicholls, even at that 
 early period, was acquainted not only with the Greek and 
 Latin, but with many of the best Italian poets, he ventur- 
 ed, with great diffidence, to offer a short remark, and hap- 
 pened to illustrate what he had said by an apposite quota- 
 tion from Dante. At the name of Dante, Mr. Gray sud- 
 denly turned round to him and said, "Right: but have 
 you read Dante, sir?" "I have endeavoured to understand 
 him," replied Mr. N. Mr. Gray being much pleased 
 with the illustration, and with the taste which it evinced, 
 addressed the chief of his discourse to him for the remain- 
 der of the evening, and invited him to his rooms in Pem- 
 broke Hall; and finding him ready and docile, he became 
 attached to him and gave him instruction in the course of 
 his studies, to which, adds Mr. Mathias, "I attribute the 
 extent and value of his knowledge, and the peculiar accu- 
 racy and correct taste which distinguished him throughout 
 life, and which I have seldom observed in any man in a 
 more eminent degree." And I wish every young man of 
 genius might hear and consider, observes Mr. M., com- 
 menting upon an incident so honourable to all parties, "the 
 
 VALUE OF A WORD SPOKE IN DUE SEASON. 
 
 With modesty and propriety, in the highest, I mean the 
 most learned and virtuous company." What a different 
 spirit was evinced, in the following incident, by that great 
 polemical writer, Bishop Warburton: but it happily origi- 
 nated 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 181 
 
 THE CANONS OF CRITICISM, 
 
 Which were the production of Thomas Edwards, an Eto- 
 nian and King's College man, where he graduated M.A. 
 in 1734, but missing a fellowship, turned soldier. After 
 he had been some time in the army, says a writer in the 
 Gentleman's Magazine, for 1779, it so happened that, be- 
 ing at Bath, after Mr. Warburton- s marriage to Mr. Al- 
 len's niece, he was introduced at Prior Park, en famille. 
 The conversation not unfrequently turning on literary 
 subjects, Mr. Warburton generally took the opportunity 
 of showing his superiority in Greek, not having the least 
 idea that an officer of the army understood anything of that 
 language, or that Mr. Edwards had been bred at Eton; till 
 one day, being accidentally in the library, Mr. Edwards 
 took down a Greek author, and explained a passage in it 
 in a manner that Mr. Warburton did not approve. This 
 occasioned no small contest; and Mr. Edwards (who had 
 now discovered to Mr. Warburton how he came by his 
 knowledge) endeavoured to convince him, that he did not 
 understand the original language, but that his knowledge 
 arose from French translations. Mr. Warburton was 
 highly irritated; an incurable breach took place; and this 
 trifling altercation (after Mr. Edwards had quitted the ar- 
 my and was entered of Lincoln's Inn) produced The Ca- 
 nons of Criticism. 
 
 BISHOP BARRINGTON'S SPLENDID GIFT, AND 
 OTHER TRAITS OF HIM. 
 
 That munificent prelate and Oxonian, Dr. Shute Barring- 
 ton, sixth son of the first Viscount, and the late Bishop of 
 Durham, a prelate, indeed, whose charities were unbound- 
 ed, was so conscientious in the discharge of his functions, 
 that he personally examined all candidates for Holy Or- 
 ders, and, however strongly they might be recommended, 
 rejected all that appeared unworthy of the sacred trust. 
 On one occasion, a relative, relying for advancement upon 
 his patronage, having intimated a desire to enter the 
 p 
 
182 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Church, the Bishop inquired with what preferment he 
 would be contented. "Five hundred pounds a year will 
 satisfy all my wants," was the reply. "You shall have 
 it," answered the conscientious prelate: "not out of the 
 patrimony of the Church, but out of my private fortune." 
 The same Bishop gave the entire of 60,000/. at once, for 
 founding schools, unexpectedly recovered in a lawsuit; 
 and amongst other persons of talent, preferred Paley to 
 the valuable living of Bishop Wearmouth, unsolicited and 
 totally unknown to him, save through his valuable writings. 
 
 AN ADMIRABLE PULPIT ADMONITION 
 
 Is recorded of the celebrated Fellow of Trinity College, 
 Cambridge, the Rev. James Scott, M.A., better known as 
 Anti-Sejanus, who acquired extraordinary eminence as a 
 pulpit orator, both in and out of the University. He fre- 
 quently preached at St. Mary's, where crowds of the Uni- 
 versity attended him. On one occasion he offended the 
 Undergraduates, by the delivery of a severe philippic 
 against gaming; which they deeming a work of superero- 
 gation, evinced their displeasure by scraping the floor with 
 their feet (an old custom now scarcely resorted to twice 
 in a century.) He, however, severely censured them for 
 this act of indecorum, shortly afterwards, in another dis- 
 course, for which he selected the appropriate text, "Keep 
 thy feet when thou goest to the House of God." 
 
 THE SIMPLICITY OF GREAT MINDS. 
 
 It is not surprising that our distinguished philosophers 
 and mathematicians have rarely evinced much knowledge 
 of men and manners, or of the ordinary circumstances of 
 life, since they are so much occupied in telling "the num- 
 ber of the stars," in tracing the wonders of creation, or in 
 balancing the mental and physical powers of man. Our 
 illustrious Cantab, Bacon, says his biographer, was cheated 
 by his servants at the bottom, whilst he sat in abstraction 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 185 
 
 at the top of his table; and he of whom Dr. Johnson said 
 (the great and good Newton,) that had he lived in the 
 days of ancient Greece, he would have been worshipped 
 as a deity; of whom, too, the poet wrote — 
 
 "Nature and Nature's laws lay hid in night, 
 God said, 'Let Newton be,' and all was light," 
 
 Caused a smaller hole to be perforated in his room door, 
 when his favourite cat had a kitten, not remembering that 
 it would follow puss through the larger one. Another 
 more modern and less distinguished but not less amiable 
 Cantab, who was Senior Wrangler in his year, one day 
 inquired — 
 
 "OF WHAT COUNTRY MARINES WERE'?" 
 
 Another distinguished Senior Wrangler, Professor and 
 divine, occasionally amuses his friends by rehearsing the 
 fact, that once, having to preach in the neighbourhood of 
 Cambridge, he hired a blind horse to ride the distance on, 
 and his path laying cross a common, where the road was 
 but indistinctly marked, he became so absorbed in abstract 
 calculations, that, forgetting to guide his steed aright, he 
 and the horse wandered so far awry, that they tumbled 
 "head over heels," as the folks say, upon a cow slumber- 
 ing by the way side. On dit, the same Cantab was one 
 morning caught over his breakfast-fire with an egg in Ms 
 hand, to minute the time by, and his — 
 
 WATCH DOING TO A TURN IN THE SAUCEPAN. 
 
 When he went in for A.B. his natural diffidence prevented 
 his doing much in the first four days of the Senate House 
 examination, and he was consequently bracketted lota: but 
 rallying his confidence, he challenged all the men of his 
 years, and was Senior Wrangler. This incident caused 
 him to be received with rapturous applause, upon his being 
 presented to the Vice-Chancellor for his degree, on the 
 following Saturday. A few days after he is said to have 
 been in London, and entered one of the larger theatres at 
 the same instant with Royalty itself: — the audience rose 
 with one accord, and thunders of applause followed! 
 
184 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 "TTiis is too much," said our Cantab to his friend, mo- 
 destly hiding his face in his hat, having, in the simplicity 
 of his heart, taken the huzzas and claps to be an improved 
 edition of the Senate House, Another Cantab, who was 
 also a Senior Wrangler, and guilty of many singularities, 
 as well as some follies, one who has unjustly heaped re- 
 proach on the head of his Alma Mater (see his "Progress 
 of a Senior Wrangler at Cambridge," in the numbers of 
 the defunct London Magazine,) had the following quater- 
 nion posted on his room door in Trinity: — 
 
 "King Solomon in days of old, 
 
 The wisest man was reckon'd: 
 I fear as much cannot be told 
 
 Of Solomon the Second." 
 
 A HOST OF SINGULARITIES 
 
 Are recorded of the famous Cantab and Etonian, the Rev. 
 George Harvest, B. D. , who was one day walking in the 
 Temple Gardens, London, with the son of his patron, the 
 great Speaker Onslow, when he picked up a curious peb- 
 ble, observing he would keep it for his friend, Lord Bute. 
 He and his companion were going to The Beef -steak Club, 
 then held in Ivy-lane. Mr. Onslow asked him what o'clock 
 it was, upon which he took out his watch, and observed 
 they had but ten minutes good. Another turn or two was 
 proposed, but they had scarcely made half the length of 
 the walk, when he coolly put the pebble into his fob, and 
 threw his watch into the Thames. He was at another 
 time in a boat with the same gentleman, when he began to 
 read a favourite Greek author (for, like Porson, his coat 
 pockets generally contained a moderate library) with such 
 emphasis and strange gesticulations, that 
 
 HIS WIG AND HAT FELL INTO THE WATER, 
 
 And he coolly stepped overboard to recover them, without 
 once dreaming that it was not terra-firma, and was fished 
 out with great difficulty. He frequently wrote a letter to 
 one person, forgot to subscribe his name to it, and directed 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 185 
 
 it to another. On one occasion he provided himself with 
 three sermons, having been appointed to preach before the 
 Archdeacon and Clergy of the district. Some wags got 
 them, and having intermixed the leaves, stitched them 
 together in that state, and put them into his sermon-case. 
 He mounted the pulpit at the usual time, took his text, 
 but soon surprised his reverend audience by taking leave 
 of the thread of his discourse. He was, however, so in- 
 sensible to the dilemma in which he was placed, that he 
 went preaching on. At last the congregation became im- 
 patient, both from the length and the nature of his sermon. 
 First the archdeacon slipped out, then the clergy, one by 
 one, followed by the rest of the congregation; but he never 
 flagged, and would have finished 
 
 HIS TRIPLE, THRICE-CONFUSED DISCOURSE, 
 
 Had not the clerk reminded him that they were the sole 
 occupants of the lately crowded church. He went down 
 to Cambridge to vote for his Eton contemporary, 
 
 THE CELEBRATED LORD SANDWICH, 
 
 When the latter was candidate for the dignity of High- 
 steward of the University, in opposition to Pitt. His 
 lordship invited him to dine with some friends at the Rose 
 Inn. "Apropos, my lord," exclaimed Harvest, during the 
 meal, "whence do you derive your nick-name of Jemmy 
 Twitcher?" "Why," said his lordship, "from some fool- 
 ish fellow." "No, no," said Harvest, "not from some, 
 for everybody calls you so;" on which his lordship, know- 
 ing it to be the favourite dish of his quondam friend, put 
 a huge slice of plum-pudding upon his plate, which effec- 
 tually stopped his mouth. His lordship has the credit of 
 being the originator and first President of the Cambridge 
 Oriental Club. He was also 
 
 THE INVENTOR OF SANDWICHES. 
 
 Once passing a whole day at some game of which he was 
 fond, he became so absorbed in its progress, that he denied 
 himself time to eat, in the usual way, and ordered a slice 
 
186 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 of beef between two pieces of toasted bread, which he mas- 
 ticated without quitting his game; and that sort of refresh- 
 ment has ever since borne the designation of a Sandwich* 
 Parkes, in his Musical Memoirs, gives him the credit of 
 
 LAPSUS LINGUJE. 
 It happened, he says, that during a feast given to his 
 lordship by the Corporation of Worcester, when he was 
 First Lord of the Admiralty, a servant let fall a dish with 
 a boiled neat's tongue, as he was bringing it to table. The 
 Mayor expressing his concern to his lordship, "Never 
 mind," said he, "it's only a lapsus linguae!" which witty 
 saying creating a great deal of mirth, one of the Aldermen 
 present, at a dinner he gave soon after, instructed his ser- 
 vant to throw down a roast leg of mutton, that he too might 
 have his joke. This was done; "Never mind," he ex- 
 claimed to his friends, "it's only a lapsus linguse." The 
 company stared, but he begun a roaring laugh, solus. 
 Finding nobody joined therein, he stopped his mirth, say- 
 ing, that when Lord Sandwich said it, every body laughed, 
 and he saw no reason why they should not laugh at him. 
 This sally had the desired effect, and the company, one 
 and all, actually shook their sides, and our host was 
 satisfied. 
 
 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE LOYALTY. 
 
 In in 7, George I. and his ministers had contrived to 
 make themselves so unpopular, that the badges of the dis- 
 affected, oaken boughs, were publicly worn on the 29th of 
 May, and white roses on the birth-day of the Pretender, 
 the 10th of June. Oxford, and especially the university, 
 manifested such strong feelings, that it was deemed expe- 
 dient to send a military force there: Cambridge, more in- 
 clined to the Whig principles of the court and government, 
 was at the same time complimented with a present of 
 books. Upon this occasion, Dr. Trapp, the celebrated 
 Oxford poet and divine, wrote the following epigram: — 
 
 Our royal master saw, with heedful ey< 
 The wants of his two universities: 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 187 
 
 Troops he to Oxford sent, as knowing why 
 That learned body wanted loyalty; 
 But books to Cambridge gave, as well discerning 
 How that right loyal body wanted learning. 
 
 Cambridge, as may be well supposed, was not backward 
 in retorting: and an able champion she found in her equal- 
 ly celebrated scholar, physician, and benefactor, Sir Wil- 
 liam Blowne (founder of a scholarship and the three gold 
 medals called after his name,) who replied to Dr. Trapp 
 in the following quaternion: — 
 
 The king to Oxford sent a troop of horse, 
 For Tories know no argument but force: 
 With equal grace, to Cambridge books he sent, 
 For Whigs allow no force but argument. 
 
 Not that Cambridge was behind Oxford in supporting the 
 unfortunate Charles the First, to whom the several col- 
 leges secretly conveyed nearly all their ancient plate; and 
 Cromwell, in consequence, retaliated by confining and 
 depriving numbers of her most distinguished scholars, both 
 laymen and divines, many of whom died in exile: and the 
 commissioners of parliament, with a taste worthy of the 
 worst barbarians, caused many of the buildings to be de- 
 spoiled of their architectural ornaments and exquisite 
 pieces of sculpture and painted glass. It was at this time 
 appeared the following celebrated poetic trifle, extant in 
 the Oxford Sausage, known as 
 
 THE CUSHION PLOT, 
 
 Written by Herbert Beaver, Esq., of Corpus Christi Col- 
 lege, Oxford, when "Gaby" (as the then President, Dr. 
 Shaw, is called, who had been a zealous Jacobite,) sud- 
 denly, on the accession of George the First, became a still 
 more zealous patron of the interests of the House of 
 Hanover. 
 
 When Gaby possession had got of the Hall % 
 He took a survey of the Chapel and all, 
 Since that, like the rest, was just ready to fall, 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 And first he began to examine the chest, 
 
 Where he found an old Cushion which gave him distaste; 
 
 The first of the kind that e'er troubled his rest, 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
188 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 Two letters of Gold on this Cushion were rear'dj 
 Two letters of gold once by Gaby rever'd, 
 But now what was loyalty, treason appear'd: 
 
 Which nobody can deny, 
 
 "J. R. (quoth the Don, in soliloquy bass) 
 
 "See the works of this damnable Jacobite race! 
 
 "We'll out with the J, and put G in its place:" 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 And now to erase these letters so rich, 
 For scissors and bodkin his fingers did itch, 
 For Converts in politics go thorough-stich: 
 
 Which nobody can deny: 
 
 The thing was about as soon done as said, 
 Poor J was deposed and G reigned in his stead; 
 Such a quick revolution sure never was read! 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 Then hey for preferment — but how did he stare, 
 When convinced and ashamed of not being aware, 
 That J stood for Jennet,* for Raymond the R, 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 Then beware, all ye priests, from hence I advise, 
 
 How ye choose Christian names for the babes ye baptize, 
 
 For if Gaby don't like 'em he'll pick out their Fs, 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 Terras Filius relates the following instance of 
 
 THE DANGER OF DRINKING THE KING'S HEALTH. 
 
 Mr. Carty of University College, and Mr. Meadowcourt 
 of Merton College, Oxford (says this writer,) were sus- 
 pended from proceeding to their next degree, in 1716, the 
 first for a period of one, the second for a period of two 
 years, the latter further, not to be permitted "to supplicate 
 for his grace, until he confesses his manifold crimes, and 
 asks pardon upon his knees, For breaking out to that de- 
 gree of impudence (when the Proctor admonished him to 
 go home from the tavern at an unseasonable hour, ) as to 
 command all the company, with a loud voice, to drink King 
 
 * The benefactor who gave the college the Cushion. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 189 
 
 George's health." And, strange enough, persisting in 
 •fusal to ask pardon, as required, he only ultimately 
 obtained his degree by pleading the act of grace of the said 
 King George, enacted in favour of those who had been 
 guilty of treason, &c. These were, it appears, both Fel- 
 lows of colleges, and with several others, who were like- 
 wise put in the Black-book, were members of a society in 
 Oxford, called 
 
 "THE CONSTITUTION CLUB," 
 
 At a meeting of which it was that the king was toasted. 
 
 AMONGST THE CAMBRIDGE CLUBS 
 
 Was one formed, in 1757, by the Wranglers of that year, 
 including the late Professor Waring; the celebrated re- 
 former Dr. Jebb the munificent founder of the Cambridge 
 Hebrew Scholarships; Mr. Tyrwhitt; and other learned 
 men. It was called The Hyson Club, the entertainments 
 being only tea and conversation. Paley, who joined it 
 after he became tutor of Christ College, is thus made to 
 speak of it by a writer in the New Monthly Magazine for 
 1825: — f6 We had a club at Cambridge, of political re- 
 formers; it was called the Hyson Club, as we met at tea 
 time; and various schemes were discussed among us. 
 Jebb's plan was, that the people should meet and declare 
 their will; and if the House of Commons should pay due 
 attention to the will of the people, why, well and good; if 
 not, the people were to convey their will into effect. We 
 had no idea that we were talking treason. I was always 
 an advocate for braibery and corrooption: they raised an 
 outcry against me, and affected to think I was not in earn- 
 est. 'Why,' said I, 'who is so mad as to wish to be go- 
 verned by force? or who is such a fool as to expect to be 
 governed by virtue? There remains, then, nothing but 
 braibery and corrooptionS " No particular subjects were 
 proposed for discussion at their meetings, but accident or 
 the taste of individuals naturally led to topics, such as lite- 
 rary and scientific characters might freely discuss. At a 
 meeting where the debate was on the justice or expediency 
 of making some alteration in the ecclesiastical constitution 
 
190 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 of the country, lor the relief of tender consciences, Dr. 
 Gordon, of Emmanuel College, late Precentor of Lincoln, 
 vehemently opposed the arguments of Dr. Jebb,then tutor 
 of Peter House, who supported the affirmative, by exclaim- 
 ing, "You mean, Sir, to impose upon us a new church go- 
 vernment." "You are mistaken," said Paley, who was 
 (>resent, "Jebb only wants to ride his own horse, not to 
 brce you to get up behind him." 
 
 THE RETROGRADATION AMONGST MASTERS, 
 TUTORS, AND SCHOLARS. 
 
 Discipline, like every thing else characteristic of our 
 elder institutions, has for some years been fast giving way 
 in our universities. Statutes are permitted to slumber un- 
 heeded, as not fitted to the present advanced state of so- 
 ciety; and in colleges where it would, as late as the begin- 
 ning of the nineteenth century, have been almost a crime 
 to have been seen in hall or chapel without a zuhite cravat 
 on, scholars now strut in black ones, "unawed by imposi- 
 tion" or a fine. I can remember the time when this in- 
 road upon decent appearance first begun, and when the 
 Dean of our college put forth his strong arm, and insisted 
 on white having the preference. Men then used to wear 
 their black till they came to the hall or chapel door, then 
 take them off, and walk in with none at all, and again 
 twist them round the neck, heedless whether the tie were 
 Brummell or not, on issuing forth from Prayers or Com- 
 mons. Like the Whigs, they have by perseverance car- 
 ried their point, and strut about in black, wondering what 
 they shall next attempt. 
 
 THERE IS AN ON-DIT, 
 
 That at the time Dr. W became Master of St. John's 
 
 College, Cambridge, the tutors used to oblige (and it was 
 a custom for) the scholars to stand, cap in hand (if any 
 tutor entered a court where they might be passing,) till 
 the said tutor disappeared. This was so rigorously en- 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 191 
 
 forced, that the scholars complained to the new master, 
 and he desired the tutors to relax the custom. This order 
 they refused to comply with. Upon this the Doctor took 
 down from a shelf a copy of the College Statutes, and coolly 
 read to them a section, where the fellows of the same were 
 enjoined to stand, cap in hand, till the master passed by, 
 wherever they met him; and the Doctor, it is added, in- 
 sisted upon its observance, on pain of ejection, till at length 
 the tutors gave way. 
 
 THE WORCESTER GOBLIN. 
 
 Foote the comedian was, in his youthful days, a student 
 of Worcester College, Oxford, under the care of the Pro- 
 vost, Dr. Gower. The Doctor was a learned and amiable 
 man, but a pedant. The latter characteristic was soon 
 seized upon by the young satirist, as a source whereon to 
 turn his irresistible passion for wit and humour. The 
 church at this time belonging to Worcester College, front- 
 ed a lane were cattle were turned out to graze, and (as 
 was then the case in many towns, and is still in some Eng- 
 lish villages) the church porch was open, with the bell- 
 ropes suspended in the centre. Foote tied a wisp of hay 
 to one of them, and this was no sooner scented by the cat- 
 tle at night, than it w r as seized upon as a dainty morsel. 
 Tug, tug, went one and all, and "ding-dong" went the 
 bell at midnight, to the astonishment of the Doctor, the 
 sexton, the whole parish, and the inmates of the College. 
 The young wag kept up the joke for several successive 
 nights, and reports of ghosts, goblins, and frightful visions, 
 soon filled the imagination of old and young with alarm, 
 and many a simple man and maiden whisked past the 
 scene of midnight revel ere the moon had "filled her horns," 
 struck with fear and trembling. The Doctor suspected 
 some trick. He, accordingly, engaged the Sexton to watch 
 with him for the detection of the culprit. They had not 
 long lain hid, under favour of a dark night, when "ding- 
 dong" went the bell again: both rushed from their hiding 
 places, and the sexton commenced the attack by seizing 
 
192 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 the cow's tail, exclaiming, " 'Tis a gentleman commoner, 
 — I have him by the tail of his gown! 95 The Doctor ap- 
 proached on the opposite tack, and seized a horn with both 
 hands, crying, "No, no, you blockhead, 'tis the postman, 
 — I have caught the rascal by his blowing-horn!" and both 
 bawled lustily for assistance, whilst the cow kicked and 
 flung to get free; but both held fast till lights were pro- 
 cured, when the real offender stood revealed, and the laugh 
 of the whole town was turned upon the Doctor and his fel- 
 low-mgAtf-errant, the Sexton. 
 
 RECORDS OF THE CAMBRIDGE TRIPOSES. 
 The Spoon, in the words of Lord Byron's Don Juan, 
 
 • The name by which we Cantabs please, 
 
 To dub the last of honours in degrees," 
 
 is the annual subject for University mirth, and if not the 
 fountain, is certainly the very foundation of Cambridge 
 University honours: without the spoon* not a man in the 
 Tripos would have a leg to stand upon: in fact, it would 
 be a top without a bottom, minus the spoon. Yet "this 
 luckless wight," says the compiler of the Cambridge Tart, 
 is annually a universal butt and laughing-stock of the 
 whole Senate-House. He is the last of those men who 
 take honours of his year, and is called a "junior optime," 
 and notwithstanding his being superior to them all, the 
 lowest of the 'oittoxxoi, or Gregarious Undistinguished 
 Bachelors, think themselves entitled to shoot their point- 
 less arrows against the "wooden spoon," and to reiterate 
 the perennial remark, that, "wranglers" are born with 
 golden spoons in their mouths; "senior optimes" with sil- 
 ver spoons; "junior optimes" with wooden spoons, and 
 the 'o/ ncwci with leaden spoons in their mouths. It may 
 be here, however, observed, that it is unjust towards the 
 undistinguished bachelors to say that "he (the spoon) is 
 superior to them all." He is generally a man who has 
 read hard, id est, has done his best, whilst the undistin- 
 guished bachelors, it is well known, include many men of 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 193 
 
 considerable, even superior talents, but having no taste for 
 mathematics, have merely read sufficient to get a degree; 
 consequently have not done their best. The muse has 
 thus invoked 
 
 THE WOODEN SPOON. 
 
 When sage Mathesis calls her sons to fame, 
 
 The Senior Wrangler bears the highest name. 
 
 In academic honour richly deckt, 
 
 He challenges from all deserved respect. 
 
 But, if to visit friends he leaves his gown, 
 
 And flies in haste to cut a dash in town, 
 
 The wrangler's title, little understood, 
 
 Suggests a man in disputation good; 
 
 And those of common talents cannot raise, 
 
 Their humble thoughts a wrangler's mind to praise. 
 
 Such honours to an Englishman soon fade, 
 
 Like laurel wreaths, the victor's brows that shade. 
 
 No such misfortune has that man to fear, 
 
 Whom fate ordains the last in fame's career; 
 
 His honours fresh remain, and e'en descend 
 
 To soothe his family, or chosen friend. 
 
 And while he lives, he wields the boasted prize, 
 
 Whose value all can feel, the weak, the wise; 
 
 Displays in triumph his distinguished boon, 
 
 The solid honours of the Wooden Spoon! 
 
 That many have borne off this prize who might have 
 done better, is well known too. One learned Cantab in 
 that situation felt so assured of his fate, when it might have 
 been more honourable, had he been gifted with prudence 
 and perseverance, that on the morning when it is custom- 
 ary to give out the honours, in the Senate House, in their 
 order of merit, he provided himself with a large wooden 
 spoon, and when there was a call from the gallery, for 
 "the spoon" (for then the Undergraduates were allowed 
 to express their likes and dislikes publicly, a custom now 
 suppressed,) he turned the shafts of ridicule aside by 
 thrusting the emblem of his honours up high over his head, 
 — an act that gained him no slight applause. Another 
 Cantab, of precisely the same grade as to talent, who was 
 second in the classical tripos of his year, gave a supper on 
 the occasion of the spoon being awarded to him, which 
 commenced with soup, each man being furnished with a 
 Q 
 
194 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 ponderous wooden spoon to lap it with. Another, now a 
 Fellow of Trinity College, who more than once bore off 
 the Pot son prize, being in this^/«ce of honour, a wag nail- 
 ed a large wooden spoon to his door. Hundreds of other 
 tricks have been put upon the spoon, next to whom are — 
 
 THE POLL; OR, c Ol riOAAOl: 
 
 Which, said the great Bentley, in a sermon preached be- 
 fore the University of Cambridge, on the 5th of November, 
 1715, "is a known expression in profane authors, opposed 
 sometimes, rots cro<pois, to the wise, and ever denotes the most, 
 and generally the meanest of mankind." "Besides the 
 mirth devoted character," (the wooden spoon,) says the 
 writer first quoted, there "are always a few, a chosen few, 
 a degree lower than the e O/ ttqxxqi, constantly written down 
 alphabetically, who serve to exonerate the 'wooden spoon, 9 
 in part, from the ignominy of the day; and these undergo 
 various epithets, according to their accidental number. If 
 there was but one* he was called Bion, who carried all his 
 learning about him without the slightest inconvenience. 
 If there were twi{, they were dubbed the Scipios; Damon 
 and Pythias; Hercules and Atlas; Castor and Pollux. If 
 three, they were ad libitum, the three Graces; or the three 
 Furies; the Magi; or Noah* Daniel, and Job* If seven, 
 they were the seven Wise Men; or the Seven Wonders of 
 the World. If nine, they were the unfortunate Suitors of 
 the Muses. If twelve, they became the Apostles. If thir- 
 teen, either they deserved a round dozen, or, like the 
 Americans, should bear thirteen stripes on their coat and 
 arms. Lastly, they were sometimes styled constant quan- 
 tities, and Martyrs; or the thirteenth was designated the 
 least of the Apostles; and, should there be a fourteenth, 
 he was unworthy to be called an Apostle!" An unknown 
 pen has immortalized the e o* 7ro\\oi, by the following — 
 
 ODE TO THE UNAMBITIOUS AND UNDISTINGUISHED 
 BACHELORS. 
 
 "Post tot naufragia tutus."— Virg. 
 
 Thrice happy ye, through toil and dangers past. 
 Who rest upon that peaceful shore. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 195 
 
 Where all your fagging is no more. 
 And gain the long-expected port at last. 
 
 Yours are the sweets, the ravishing delights. 
 
 To doze and snore upon your noontide beds; 
 No chapel-bell your peaceful sleep affrights. 
 
 No problems trouble now your empty heads. 
 
 Yet, if the heavenly muse is not mistaken, 
 And poets say the muse can rightly guess, 
 I fear, full many of you must confess 
 
 That you have barely saved your bacon. 
 
 Amidst th' appalling problematic war, 
 Where dire equations frown'd in dread array. 
 Ye never strove to find the arduous way, 
 
 To where proud Granta's honours shine afar. 
 
 Within that dreadful mansion have ye sto^d, 
 When moderators glared with looks uncivil, 
 
 How often have ye d — d their souls, their blood, 
 And wished all mathematics at the devil! 
 
 But ah! what terrors on that fatal day 
 
 Your souls appall'd, when, to your stupid gaze, 
 Appear'd the biquadratic's darken'd maze, 
 
 And problems ranged in horrible array! 
 
 Hard was the task, I ween, the labour great, 
 To the wish'd port to find your uncouth way — 
 
 How did ye toil, and fag, and fume, and fret, 
 And — what the bashful muse would blush to say. 
 
 But now your painful terrors all are o'er — 
 Cloth'd in the glories of a full-sleev'd gown, 
 Ye strut majestically up and down, 
 
 And now ye fag, and now ye fear no more. 
 
 But although many men of this class are not gifted with 
 that species of perception suited to mathematical studies, 
 however desirable it may be that the mind should be sub- 
 ject to that best of all correctives, the abstruse sciences, 
 they are often possessed of what may be justly denomi- 
 nated "great talents." A remarkable instance of this fact 
 was manifested in the person of a late fellow of Trinity 
 (now no longer so — "for conscience-sake,") who wrote a 
 tragedy whilst still a boy of sixteen or seventeen, that was 
 produced at Covent Garden with success, obtained the 
 only vacant Craven scholarship in his freshman's year 
 
196 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 (always considered a high test of classical ability,) and 
 carried oft' other classical university prizes. Yet he, when 
 he came to be examined for his degree, though he sat and 
 wrote out whole books of Homer from memory, he was un- 
 able to go through the first problem of Euclid: for when 
 told that he must do something in mathematics, he wrote 
 down, after a fashion, the a's and b's, but without describ- 
 ing the figure, a necessary accompaniment. Of the omis- 
 sion he was reminded by the examiner — "Oh! the picture, 
 you mean" was his reply, and drawing a triangle of a 
 true isosceles cut, instead of an equilateral one, he added 
 thereto, a la heraldique, by way of supporters, two ovals 
 of equal height, which completed his only mathematical 
 effort. His learning and talents, however, procured him 
 his degree and a fellowship. To others, mathematics are 
 an inexhaustible source of delight, and such a mind it was 
 that penned The Jlddress to Mathematics, in "The Cam- 
 bridge Tart," beginning — 
 
 "With thee, divine Mathesis, let me live! 
 Effuse source of evidence and truth!" 
 
 Porson gave a singular proof of his "fondness for Alge- 
 bra," says the Sexagenarian, by composing an equation in 
 Greek, the original being comprised in one line. When 
 resident in college, he would frequently amuse himself by 
 sending to his friends scraps of Greek of a like character, 
 for solution. The purport of one was, "Find the value of 
 nothing." The next time he met his friend, he addressed 
 him with, "Well, have you succeeded in finding the value 
 of nothing?" "Yes," replied his friend. "What is it?" 
 "Sixpence I gave the gyp for bringing your note," was the 
 rejoinder. 
 
 The late Professor Vince meeting a fellow of St. John's 
 College, Cambridge, the next morning after a high wind 
 had blown down several of the fine old trees in the walks, 
 some of three centuries' standing, he was addressed with, 
 "a terrible storm last night, Mr. Professor." "Yes," he 
 replied, "it was 
 
 A RARE MATHEMATICAL WIND." 
 "Mathematical wind!" exclaimed the other, "how so, 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 197 
 
 Doctor?" "Why you see it has extracted a great many 
 roots!" A Johnian one day eating apple-pie by the side of 
 a Johnian fellow, an inveterate punster, he facetiously ob- 
 served, 
 
 f£ HE WAS RAISING APPLE-PIE TO THE T" POWER:" 
 
 Another fellow walking down the hall, after dinner, and 
 slipping some distance on smooth flags, looked over his 
 shoulder and observed to one following him — "An inclined 
 plane." 
 
 Another Cantab, when a student of Bene't, now rector 
 of H , Suffolk, sung his song of "divine Mathesis:" — 
 
 Let mathematicians and geometricians 
 Talk of circles' and triangles' charms, 
 
 The figure I prize is a girl with bright eyes, 
 And the circle that's formed by her arms. 
 
 THE CLASSICAL TRIPOS AND THE WOODEN WEDGE. 
 
 This class of Cambridge honours, for which none can 
 become candidates but those who have attained mathe- 
 matical distinction, was instituted by a Grace of the Se- 
 nate, in 1822. As its title implies, it is divided into three 
 classes. The first examination toofc place in 1824, when 
 the Can tabs were saved the labour of gestation, by 
 the last man in the third class being named Wedgewood, 
 w r hich was transposed by some wag to wooden wedge — and 
 by that soubriquet, equivalent to the wooden spoon, all 
 men so circumstanced are now designated in the colloquial 
 phraseology of the University. It is but justice to Mr. 
 W. to add, however, that he also attained the high mathe- 
 matical distinction of eighth wrangler of his year. By the 
 same decree of the Senate 
 
 A PREVIOUS EXAMINATION 
 
 Was established at Cambridge (answering to the Oxford 
 1 ' Little-go,") by which all students are required to under- 
 go an examination in Classics and Divinity, in the Lent 
 term of the second year of their residence. The success- 
 es 
 
198 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 ful candidates are divided into two classes only: but there 
 is always a select few who are allowed to pass, after an 
 extra trial of skill: these are lumped at the end, and have 
 been designated "Elegant Extracts." Some wag furnish- 
 ed Jackson's Oxford Journal with this 
 
 SYLLOGISTIC EXERCISE FOR THE LITTLE-GO MEN. 
 
 No cat has two tails. 
 
 A cat has one tail more than no cat. 
 
 Ergo — A cat has three tails. 
 
 The following song (in the true spirit of a non-reading 
 man) is from the pen of a learned seceding Cantab, the late 
 Dr. John Disney, who, after graduating at Peter-House, 
 Cambridge, LL.B., and for some time officiating as a mi- 
 nister of the Established Church, resigned a living "for 
 conscience sake/' and closed his career as Minister of the 
 Unitarian Chapel, in Essex-street, Strand: — 
 
 Come, my good College lads! and attend to my lays, 
 
 I'll show you the folly of poring o'er books; 
 For all you get by it is mere empty praise, 
 
 Or a poor meagre fellowship, and sour looks. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Then lay by your books, lads, and never repine; 
 
 And cram not your attics, 
 
 With dry mathematics, 
 But moisten your clay with a bumper of wine. 
 
 The first of mechanics was old Archimedes, 
 Who play'd with Rome's ships as we'd play cup and ball, 
 
 To play the same game I can't see where the need is, 
 Or why we should fag mathematics at all. 
 
 Then lay by your books, lads, &c. 
 
 Great Newton found out the binomial law, 
 
 To raise X -|- Y to the power of B; 
 Found the distance of planets that he never saw. 
 
 And we most probably never shall see. 
 
 Then lay by your books, lads, &c. 
 
 Let Whiston and Ditton star-gazing enjoy, 
 And taste all the sweets mathematics can give; 
 
 Let us for our time find a better employ, 
 And knowing life's sweets, let us learn how to live. 
 
 Then lay by your books, lads, &c. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 199 
 
 These men ex absurdo, conclusions may draw, 
 
 Perpetual motion they never could find; 
 Not one of the set, lads, can balance a straw, 
 
 And longitude seeking is hunting the wind. 
 
 Then lay by your books, lads, &c. 
 
 If we study at all, let us study the means 
 
 To make ourselves friends, and to keep them when made; 
 Learn to value the blessings kind heaven ordains, 
 
 To make others happy, let that be our trade. 
 
 Finale. 
 
 Let each day be better than each day before, 
 
 Without pain or sorrow, 
 
 To-day or to-morrow, 
 May we live, my good lads, to see many days more. 
 
 A DREADFUL FIT OF RHEUMATISM. 
 
 Two Cantabs, brothers, named Whiter, one the learned 
 author of Etymologicum Magnum, the other an amiable 
 divine; both were remarkable, the one for being six, the 
 other about five feet in height. The taller was eccentric and 
 often absent in his habits, the other a wag. Both were in- 
 vited to the same party, and the taller being first ready, 
 slipped on the coat of the shorter, and wended his way 
 into a crowded room of fashionables, to whom his eccen- 
 tricities being familiar, they were not much surprised at 
 seeing him encased in a coat, the tail of which scarcely 
 reached his hips, whilst the sleeves ran short of his el- 
 bows; in fact, it was a perfect strait jacket, and he had 
 not been long seated before he began to complain to every 
 body that he was suffering from a dreadful fit of rheuma- 
 tism. One or two suggested the tightness of his coat as 
 the cause of his pain; but he remained rheumatic in spite 
 of them, till his brother's" approach threw the whole party 
 into a fit of convulsive laughter, as he came sailing into 
 the room, his coat-tails sweeping the room, en traine, and 
 his arms performing the like service on either side, as he 
 exclaimed, to his astonished brother, "Why, Bob, you 
 have got my coat on!" Bob then discovered that his 
 friends' hints bordered on the truth, and the two ex- 
 
200 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 changed garments forthwith, to the amusement of all 
 present. 
 
 DR. PARR AN INGRATE. 
 
 The Doctor was once staying with the late great and 
 good Mr. Roscoe, when many of the most distinguished 
 Whigs were his guests also, out of compliment to whom 
 the Doctor forbore to indulge in his customary after-dinner 
 pipe. At length, when wine and words had circulated 
 briskly, and twilight began to set in, he insisted upon 
 mounting to his own room to have a whiff solus. Having 
 groped his way up stairs, somewhat exhausted with the 
 effort, he threw himself into what he took to be an arm-chair. 
 Suddenly the ears of the party were assailed with awful 
 moans and groans, as of some one in tribulation. Mr. 
 Roscoe hastened to learn the cause, and no sooner reached 
 the stairs' foot, than he heard the Doctor calling lustily for 
 his man John, adding, in more supplicatory accents, "Will 
 nobody help a Christian man in distress ! Will nobody 
 help a Christian man in distress!" Mr. Roscoe mounted 
 to the rescue, but could not forbear a hearty laugh, as he 
 beheld Dr. P. locked in the close embrace of a large old- 
 fashioned grate, which he had mistaken for an arm-chair, 
 and from which he was in vain struggling to relieve himself. 
 
 MON DIEU— LE DIABLE. 
 
 When Robert the Devil was first produced at Paris, 
 and the opera going folk were on the qui vive for the 
 promised appearance of the Prince of Darkness, a certain 
 Cantab, the facial line of whose countenance bordered on 
 the demoniacal, went to see him make his bow to a Pari- 
 sian audience, and happened to enter the same loge from 
 whence a Parisian belle was anxiously watching the entree 
 of Monsieur Le Robert. Attracted by the creaking of 
 the loge door, on suddenly turning her head in its direction, 
 she caught a glimpse of our Cambridge friend, and was 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 201 
 
 so forcibly struck with the expression of his countenance, 
 that she went into hysterics, exclaiming, "Mon Dieu ! Le 
 Diable!" 
 
 SOME CRITICAL CIVILITIES. 
 
 The famous editor of Demosthenes, John Taylor, D. D. 
 being accused of saying Bishop Warburton was no scholar, 
 denied it, but owned he always thought so. Upon this 
 Warburton called him "The Learned Dunce." When 
 Parr, in the British Critic for 1795, called Porson "a 
 giant in literature," and "a prodigy in intellect," the 
 Professor took it in dudgeon, and said, "What right has 
 any one to tell the height of a man he cannot measure?" 
 A Dutch commentator having called Bentley "Egregius" 
 and "'OTrdwy" "What right, (said the Doctor) has that 
 fellow to quote me; "does he think that I will set my 
 pearls in his dunghill?" Baxter, in the second edition of 
 his Horace, said the great Bentley seemed to him "rather 
 to have buried Horace under a heap of rubbish than to 
 have illustrated him." And 
 
 BENTLEY SAID OF JOSHUA BARNES, 
 
 Who, to please his religious wife, composed a Greek ode 
 to prove King Solomon wrote Homer's Iliad, that he was 
 
 "''Ovoe Trpos xvp*v — Asinus ad Lyram:" 
 
 Joshua replied, that they who said this of him had 
 not understanding enough to be poets, or wanted the 
 
 'O vows 7rpos XupcLV. 
 
 SIR BUSICK AND SIR ISAAC AGAIN. 
 
 I have before spoken of these two Cambridge knights 
 and rival physicians, but there yet remains to be told of 
 them, that on their meeting each other, perchance, in the 
 street or the senate house, the latter addressing his rival 
 in an ironical speech of condolence, to the effect, "I regret 
 
202 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE 
 
 to hear you are ill, Sir Busick." "Sir, I sick!" (Sir Isaac) 
 retorted the wit, "I never was better in my life!" Many 
 of my readers have no doubt seen the anecdote of Vol- 
 taire's building a church, and causing to be engraved on 
 the front thereof, the vain record, 
 
 " Voltaire erexit hoc Templum Dco. v 
 A similar spirit seized a Mr. Cole of Cambridge, who 
 left money either to erect the church or the steeple of St. 
 Clement's, in Bridge-street, of that town, on condition 
 that his name was placed on the front of it. The condition 
 was complied with to the letter, thus, by the tasteful 
 judgment of some Cambridge wag: — 
 
 COLE: DEUM. 
 
 An admirably turned pun, which, I may add, for the bene- 
 fit of my English readers, signifies, Worship God. I have 
 already noticed the mathematical "Pons Asinorum" of 
 our mother of Cambridge. One of her waggish sons has 
 likewise contrived, for their amusement, a classical Pons 
 Asinorum, known as 
 
 THE FRESHMAN'S PUZZLE. 
 I knew a Trinity man of absent habits, who actually, 
 after residing two years in college, having occasion to call 
 upon an old school fellow, a scholar of Bene't (id est 9 
 Corpus Christi College,) before it was rebuilt, was so little 
 acquainted with the localities of the university, that he 
 was obliged to inquire his way, though not two hundred 
 yards from Trinity. Such a man could scarcely be ex- 
 pected to know, what most Cantabs do, that Qui Church, 
 which is situated about four miles from Cambridge, "rears 
 its head" in rural simplicity in the midst of the open fields , 
 seemingly without the "bills of mortality;" for not so 
 much as a cottage keeps it in countenance. This gave 
 occasion for a Cambridge wag to invent the following 
 puzzle: — 
 
 "Templum Qui stat in agris," 
 Which has caused many a freshman a sleepless night, who, 
 ignorant of the status Qui, has racked his brains to trans- 
 late the above, minus a Quod pro Qui. 
 
NUTS TO CRACK. 203 
 
 A SLY HUMOURIST. 
 
 Edmund Gurnay, B.U., Fellow of Corpus Christi Col- 
 lege, Cambridge, in 1601, was a sly humourist. The 
 Master had a great desire to get the garden to himself, 
 and, either by threats or persuasion, get all the rest of the 
 fellows to resign their keys; but upon his application to 
 Gurnay, he absolutely refused to part with his right. "I 
 have got the other fellows 5 keys, quoth the master. "Then 
 pray, master, keep them, and you and I will shut them 
 all out." "Sir, I expect to be obliged; ami not your mas- 
 ter?" "Yes, sir (said Gurnay:) and am I not your fellow?" 
 At another time he was complained of to the bishop, for 
 refusing to wear the surplice, and was cited to appear 
 before him, and told, that he expected he should always 
 wear it: whereupon, he came home, and rode a journey 
 with it on. This reminds me of 
 
 A STORY OP A NOBLE OXONIAN, 
 Then Mr. afterwards Lord Lyttleton, to whom the epithet 
 of "Reprobus," they say, might have been applied with 
 more justice than it was to the famous Saxon Bishop, St. 
 Wulstan, by the monks of his day. Humour was his 
 lordship's natural element, and whilst resident at Christ 
 Church, Oxford, he dressed himself in a bright scarlet 
 hunting coat, top-boots and spurs, buckskin breeches, 
 &c, and putting his gown over all, presented himself 
 to the head of his college, who was a strict disciplina- 
 rian. "Good God! Mr. Lyttleton," exclaimed the 
 Dean, "this is not a dress fit to be seen in a college." "I 
 beg your pardon," said the wag, u l thought myself in per- 
 fect costume ! Will you be pleased to tell me how I should 
 dress, Mr. Dean?" The dean was at this time Vice-Chan- 
 cellor, and happened to be in his robes of office. "You 
 should dress like me, Sir," said the Doctor, referring to 
 his black coat, tights, knee-buckles, and silk stockings. 
 Mr. Lyttleton thanked him and left, but to the Doctor's 
 astonishment, he the next day presented himself at the 
 Deanery, drest in Vice-Chancellor's robes, &c, an exact 
 fac-simile of the dean himself, and when rebuked coolly 
 observed, that he had followed the dean's directions to the 
 letter. 
 
204 OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE NUTS TO CRACK. 
 
 IT IS RELATED OF THE SAME OXFORD WAG, 
 That having a party to supper with him, and being anxious 
 to play the Dean some harmless trick, as his delight was 
 to annoy him, he seized a potato off the dish, stuck it on a 
 fork, and bolted off with it to the deanery, followed by 
 some of his boon companions. This was at one, two, or 
 three in the morning, when all the rest of the college, and 
 of course the Dean, were locked in the embrace of Som- 
 nus. Mr. Lyttleton, however, resolving to have his joke, 
 began thundering away at the Dean's knocker, till roused 
 at last, he put his head out at the window, and in a rage 
 demanded the wants of the applicant. "Do you think, 
 Mr. Dean," said M,r. L., holding up to his view the forked 
 potato with the coolest effrontery imaginable; "Do you 
 think, Mr. Dean, that this is a potato fit to put upon a 
 gentleman's table?" Dr. Westphalinge, Canon of Christ 
 Church, afterwards Bishop of Hereford, and one of the 
 Commissioners sent to Oxford to abolish Popish practices, 
 by Elizabeth, says Bishop Godwyn, 
 
 WAS A PERSON OF SUCH CONSUMMATE GRAVITY, 
 "That during a familiar acquaintance with him for many 
 years, he never once saw him laugh," — "Nunquam in 
 risum viderim solutum." As an antidote to such eternal 
 gravity, I can scarcely do better than append the follow- 
 ing Aristophanic morsel, attributed to Porson, and cry 
 "Hold, enough!" Chorus of Printers' Imps — "Enough!" 
 
 INVENTORY OF GOODS FOR SALE. 
 
 BXaywrot, auxroty Mo fioxo-repis, »<& criXa^p 
 K&/ ev /mct f Tf>i<ra-ovt jctti Mukov kaxiko Kiprovy 
 Kit/ /una KHpTrertii, xat %io~rQV fAttoyctvotov 
 "Etc KouvTtf>7rcLvvoe, xat ypusrov xxo-ro (riSngov 
 "HePs Sua fiovpot, Mo rdftxoty xat Mo SittSj. 
 Iovixxqi £Z<riv, £Z<rev qetvxot re, \iqo) vi 
 Hdv<r7rdLv xat o-rtuTrcLv, a-mrTov xtti cr/xZxov iakqv 
 TpiSipoy, qup7rctv, Toyyot, <pwMp tc, irox^p t«, 
 Kosr^ag xcti fioixnp xxt xtxxiip «cT« <ruiXro@. 
 K*i h fidLo-Ktirbv xctrn fixx^ovg, xxt Mo 7rorrv^9 
 Ka/ h fyi7r7riv7ra,v, xvXtpe; Mo y xcti <rx.xx.fAav fop 
 Keu Jio 7r**7ro f T f roh o-7rtrriv7rcLVy 7TU7T t« to fietK%Ji. 
 
 THE END. 
 
CHESNUT STREET, 
 
 June, 1835 
 
 NEW WORKS 
 
 LATELY PUBLISHED, 
 
 9 
 AND 
 
 PREPARING FOR PUBLICATION, 
 
 BY 
 
 E. L. CAREY & A. HART, PHILAD. 
 
 In Three Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 JACOB FAITHFUL; 
 OR, LIFE ON THE WATER. 
 
 COMPLETE. 
 By the Author of " Peter Simple," " King's Own," &c 
 
 " It is replete with amusement and oddity. Poor Jacob was born on the 
 water. 4 It was,' says he, » in a floating sort of a box, called a lighter, and 
 upon the river Thames, that I first smelt the mud.' " — Baltimore Gazette. 
 
 " Equal in merit to Peter Simple, and perhaps even more entertaining", 
 are the adventures of Jacob Faithful, another of the whimsical creations 
 of Captain Marryatt's prolific brain." — Saturday Courier. 
 
 "It is full of character and incident, and will, we doubt not, be a uni- 
 versal favourite."— Lit. Oaz. 
 
 In Three Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 PETER SIMPLE; 
 
 OR, ADVENTURES OF A MIDSHIPMAN. 
 
 COMPLETE. 
 
 By the Author of the " King's Own," " Naval Ofeicer," <&c 
 
 " The quiet humour which pervades the work is irresistibly amusing, 
 and the fund of anecdote and description which it contains, entertaining. 
 The humour sometimes approaches to downright burlesque, and the inci- 
 dent to extravagance, if not improbability ; but, altogether, as a book of 
 amusement, it is excellent." — Baltimore Gazette. 
 
 M Those who are the most competent to judge, say that Captain Marryatt 
 is altogether superior to any other writer of naval sketches or descrip- 
 tions, living or dead." — JV*. Y. Commercial Advertiser. 
 
 11 This is the best work that Captain Marryatt has produced." — Atlas. 
 
 41 ' Peter Simple' is certainly the most amusing of Captain Marryatt's 
 amusing novels ; a species of picture quite unique ; a class by themselves, 
 full of humour, truth, and graphic sketches."— Literary Gazette. 
 
 ■ This is an admirable work, and worthy of the noble service it is writ 
 ten to illustrate."— Spectator 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY, 
 
 CELEBRATED TRIALS, 
 
 CASES OF CRIMINAL JURISPRUDENCE OF ALL 
 AGES AND COUNTRIES. 
 
 In One large volume, 8vo., containing 600 closely printed pages. 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 John Thurtell and Joseph Hunt, for 
 the murder of William Ware, at 
 Hertford, January, 1824. 
 
 Henry Fauntleroy, Esq., for forgery, 
 at the Old Bailey, October 30, 1824. 
 
 Anna Schonleben (Germany), for 
 poisoning, 1803. 
 
 John Doeke Rouvelett, for forgery, 
 1806. 
 
 John Holloway and Owen Haggerty, 
 for the murder of John Cole Steele, 
 on Hounslovv-heath, February 22, 
 1807. 
 
 The unknown Murderer, or the 
 Police at fault (Germany), 1817. 
 
 Thomas Simmons, for murder, Oct. 
 20, 1807. 
 
 Major Alexander Campbell, for the 
 murder of Captain Alexander 
 Boyd, at Armagh, in a duel, 1807. 
 
 James Stuart, for the murder of Sir 
 Alexander Boswell, in a duel, 1822. 
 
 Martha Alden, for murder, 1807. 
 
 Francis S. Riembauer, for assassina- 
 tion, 1805. 
 
 Eliza Fencing, for an attempt to poi- 
 son Mr. 01 i Bar Turner and family, 
 April 11, 1315. 
 
 William Jones, for murder. 
 
 Abraham Thornton, for the murder 
 of Mary Ashford, 1817. 
 
 Castaing, the physician, for murder, 
 at Paris, November, 1817. 
 
 John Donellan, Esq., for the murder 
 of Sir Theodosius Edward Ailesly 
 Boughton ; before the Hon. Sir 
 Francis Butter, 178!. 
 
 Sir Walter Raleigh, for high-treason, 
 in the reign of James I., AD. 1602. 
 
 James O'Coigley, Arthur O'Connor, 
 John Binns, John Allen, and Jere- 
 miah Leary, for high-treason ; at 
 Maidstone,179S. 
 
 Miss Ann Broad ric. for the murder 
 of Mr. Erringlon, 1795. 
 
 William Corder, for the murder of 
 Maria Marten, 1327. 
 
 William Codlin, for scuttling a ship, 
 1802. 
 
 Joseph Wall, for the murder of Ben- 
 jamin Armstrong, at Gore e, 1302. 
 2 
 
 Vice-admiral Byng, for neglect o; 
 
 duty ; at a court-martial, held on 
 
 board his majesty's ship the St. 
 
 George, in Portsmouth harbour, 
 
 1757. 
 Richard Savage, the poet, James 
 
 Gregory, and William Merchant, 
 
 for the murder of James Sinclair, 
 
 1727. 
 Admiral Keppel, for neglect of duty, 
 
 July, 1778, at a court-martial. 
 Sir Hugh Palliser, Vice-admiral of 
 
 the Blue, for neglect of duty, 1779. 
 Sarah Metyard and Sarah M. Met- 
 
 yard, for murder, 1768. 
 John Bishop, Thomas Williams, and 
 
 James May, for the murder of 
 
 Charles Ferriar, 1831. 
 Sawney Cunningham, executed at 
 
 Leith, 1635, for murder. 
 Sarah Malcolm, for the murder of 
 
 Ann Price, 1733. 
 Joseph Baretti, for the murder of 
 
 Evan Morgan, 1769. 
 Mungo Campbell, for murder, 1721. 
 Lucretia Chapman, for the murder 
 
 of William Chapman, late of Bucks 
 
 county, Pennsylvania, 1832. 
 Lino Amalio Espos y Mina, for tlie 
 
 murder of William Chapman, at 
 
 the same court, 1832. 
 John Hatfield, for forgery, 1803. 
 Trial by combat, between Henry 
 
 Plantagenet, duke of Here ford and 
 
 Lancaster, and afterwards king of 
 
 England by the title of Henry IV., 
 
 and Thomas Mowbray, duke of 
 
 Norfolk, earl-marshal of England, 
 
 1397. 
 Captain John Gow and others^ for 
 
 piracy, 1729. 
 William Burke and Helen MeDougal 
 
 for murder, 1828. 
 Charles Macklin (the author), forth 
 
 murder of Thomas Hallam, May 
 
 1735. 
 Mary Young, alias Jenny Diver, for 
 
 privately stealing, 1740. 
 George Henderson and Margaret 
 
 Nlsbet, for forging a bill on tho 
 
 dutchess of Gordon, 1726. 
 
E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 John Chisle, of Dairy, for the murder 
 of the Right Hon. Sir George Lock- 
 hart, of Carnwith, lord-president 
 of the court of sessions, and mem- 
 ber of his majesty's privy council, 
 1689. 
 
 William Henry, duke of Cumber- 
 land, for adultery with Lady Gros- 
 venor, 1770. 
 
 Robert and Daniel Perreau, for for- 
 gery, 1775. 
 
 Margaret Caroline Rudd, for forgery, 
 1773. 
 
 Henry White, Jr., for a libel on the 
 duke of Cumberland, 1313. 
 
 Philip Nicholson, for the murder of 
 Mr. and Mrs. Bonar, at Maidstone, 
 1313. 
 
 Mr. William Cobbett, for libel, in the 
 court of King's Bench, 1310. 
 
 John Bellingham, Esq., for the mur- 
 der ofthe Right Hon. Spencer Per- 
 ceval, chancellor of the exchequer, 
 in the lobby ofthe House of Com- 
 mons. May 11, 1811. 
 
 Mary Stone," for child murder, pre- 
 ferred by her sister, at Surry as- 
 sizes, 18i7. 
 
 Arthur Thistlewood, James Ings. and 
 others, for high-treason, at the Old 
 Bailey, 1830. 
 
 Thomas, earl of Stafford, for high- 
 treason, 1643. 
 
 Trial ofthe Rebels in 1745 : 
 
 Lords Kilmarnock, Cromartie, Bal- 
 merino, and Lovat.— Charles Rat- 
 cliffe, Esq.— Townley and Dawson. 
 —Fletcher and Syddall.— Dr. Ca- 
 meron. 
 
 Rob Roy Macgregor. and other Mac- 
 gregors, 1700 to 1746. 
 
 Alexis Petrowitz Czarowitz, pre- 
 sumptive heir to the crown of 
 Russia, condemned to death by 
 his lather, 1715. 
 
 Joseph Hunton, a Quaker, for for- 
 gery, 182& — His execution. 
 
 Captain William Kidd, for murder 
 and piracy, 1701. 
 
 Remarkable case of witchcraft, be- 
 fore Sir Matthew Hale, 1662. 
 
 The Salem Witches. 
 
 Sufferers for pretended Witchcraft 
 in Scotland. 
 
 Alison Pearson.— Janet Grant and 
 Janet Clark, 15§3.— John Cunning- 
 ham, 1-590. — Agnes Sampson, 1591. 
 —John Fifm, 1591.— Euphan M : Cal- 
 zene, 1591.— Patrick Lawrie, 1605. 
 —Margaret Wallace, 1620.— Isobel 
 Young, 1629.— Alexander Hamil- 
 ton, 1630.— John Neil, 1630.— Janet 
 Brown and others, 1640. 
 
 The Samuelston Witches — Isobel 
 Elliot-, and nine other women, 1678. 
 
 Impostor of Barragan, 1696. 
 
 Trial by combat, between Sir John 
 Anneslev, Knight, and Thomas 
 Katringtbn, Esq., 1330. 
 
 James George Lisle, alias Major 
 Semple, for stealing, 1795. 
 
 Queen Emma, trial by fire-ordeal. 
 
 John HorneTooke, for high-treason, 
 1794. 
 
 Joseph Thompson Hare, for mtii- 
 robbery in Virginia, ISIS. 
 
 Richard Carlile, for a libel, 1819. 
 
 Circumstantial Evidence. 
 Jonathan Bradford.— James Crow. — 
 John Jennings.— Thomas Harris. 
 —William Shaw. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 TRAVELS TO BOKHARA, 
 AND VOYAGE UP THE INDUS. 
 
 BY LIEUT. BCRNES. 
 
 " Mr. Burnes is the first European of modern times who has navigated 
 the Indus. Many years have passed since the English Library has been 
 enriched with a book of travels, in value at all comparable with this. Mr. 
 Burnes is evidently a man of strong and masculine talents, high spirit, and 
 elegant taste, well qualified to tread in the steps of our Malcolms andElphin- 
 stones. ;; — London Quarterly Revieic. 
 
 "Though comparisons may be and often are odious, we do not think we 
 shall excite one resentful feeling, even among the travellers whose produc- 
 tions we have reviewed during a course approaching twenty years, when we 
 say that so interesting a publication of that class as the present, has not fallen 
 under our notice.''— London Literary Gazette. 
 
 3 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE SKETCH-BOOK OF CHARACTER; 
 
 CURIOUS AND AUTHENTIC NARRATIVES AND ANECDOTES RE- 
 SPECTING EXTRAORDINARY INDIVIDUALS : 
 
 Exemplifying the Imperfections of circumstantial Evidence ; illus- 
 trative of the Tendency of Credulity and Fanaticism; and 
 recording singular Instances of voluntary human Suffering. 
 and interesting Occurrences. (Nearly ready,) 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 * EXTBAORDINARY INDIVIDUALS. 
 
 Arnaud du Tilh, 
 
 The Demetriuses of Russia, 
 
 Madam Tiquet, 
 
 Francoeur, the Lunatic, 
 
 Renee Corbeau, 
 
 Madame Rovere, 
 
 The Diary of Luc Antonio Viterbi, 
 
 who starved himself to death, 
 The Italian Sleep-walker, 
 William Lithgow, the Traveller 
 Richard Peeke, 
 James Crichton, 
 Mother Damnable, 
 Valentine Greatraks, 
 Jaxies Naylor, 
 Henry Jenkins, 
 John Kelsey, 
 Lodowick Muggleton, 
 Mrs. Aphra Behn, 
 Aspasia, 
 
 Madame du Barre, 
 Phebe Brown, 
 The Mysterious Stranger, 
 George Bruce, 
 
 Mull'd Sack, a notorious Robber, 
 Sir Jervas Yelvis, 
 Archibald Armstrong, the Jester, 
 The Two Brothers, 
 Anne George Bellamy, 
 Susanna Maria Cibber, 
 Joseph Clark, 
 
 Titus Qates, alias Bob Ferguson, 
 Thomas Venner, 
 Colly Molly Puff, 
 Eugene Aram, 
 
 Matthew Hopkins, the Witch-finder, 
 Jeffery Hudson, 
 Blasii de Manfre, 
 Henry Welby, 
 Catharina, Countess Dowager of 
 
 Schwartzburgh, 
 Richard Savage, 
 Lewis de Boissi, 
 
 Reverend Father Arthur O'Leary, 
 John Oliver, 
 John Overs, 
 4 
 
 John Bigg, 
 
 Mrs. Corbett, 
 
 Charlotte Maria Anne Victoire Cor- 
 
 Daniel Dancer, Esq. [dey, 
 
 Rev. George Harvest, 
 
 S. Bisset, the Animal Teacher, 
 
 Roger Crab, 
 
 Rigep Dandulo, 
 
 Augustina Barbara Vanbeck, 
 
 The Chevalier D'Eon, 
 
 Widow of Ephesus, 
 
 Mary Frith, b 
 
 Anne Day, 
 
 Countess Of Desmond, 
 
 Colonel Thomas Blood, 
 
 Jane Lane, 
 
 Mary Carleton, 
 
 Jack Adams, 
 
 Samuel Boyce, 
 
 Peter the Wild Boy, 
 
 Charles Price, alias the Social Mon- 
 
 George Alexander Stevens, [ster, 
 
 Peter Isaac Thelluson, 
 
 George Villiers, 
 
 Hon. Mrs. Godfrey, 
 
 Lady Godiva, 
 
 John Philip Barretier, 
 
 Oliver Cromwell's Porter, 
 
 Robert Hill, the Learned Tailor of 
 
 Buckingham, 
 Hendia, 
 
 Charlotte Hutton, 
 Mrs. Day, 
 The Abbe Sieyes, 
 Countess of Strathmore 
 Elizabeth Perkins, 
 Margaret Lamburne, 
 Ninon De L'Enclos, 
 Madame Des Houlieres, 
 Mrs. Levy, 
 Louisa, 
 Mrs. Lloyd, 
 Lucretia, 
 
 Madame de Maintenon, 
 Catherine de Medicis, 
 La Maupin. 
 
E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 CIJICUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. 
 
 John Calas, John Miles, 
 
 Elizabeth Canning, A man tried and convicted for the 
 
 Le Brun, murdc* of his own father, 
 
 Richard Coleman, William Shaw, 
 
 Jonathan Bradford, Sirven, 
 
 James Crow, Monsieur D'Anglade and his family, 
 
 John Orme, Joan Perry and her two sons, 
 
 John Jennings, La Pivardiere, 
 
 Girl at Liege, Duke Dorgan, a story of Irish Life, 
 
 Thomas Harris. William Richardson. 
 
 CREDULITY A2TD FANATICISM. 
 
 A Female Monster, (effects of igno- Robert Francis Damiens, 
 
 ranee and superstition,) Assassination of the King of Portu- 
 
 Yetser, the Fanatic, Francois Michel, [gal, 
 
 The Holy Relics, St. Pol de Leon, 
 
 Jerome Savonarola, Mr. Stukeley, (eccentric Self-delu- 
 
 Sabbatei-Sevi, sion), 
 
 Anthony, Peter Rombert, the Fanatic of Caro- 
 
 Simon Morin, lina, 
 
 TOLUKTAiir HUMAN SUFFERING. 
 
 Simeon Stylites, Female Infanticide, 
 
 Panporee, Processions of Penitents in Spain and 
 
 Indian Widows, Portugal, 
 
 Funeral Rites, Penance by Proxy, 
 
 Conscientious Murder, The Indian Penance of Five Fires, 
 
 Conscientious Hindoo, Matthew Lovat. 
 
 INTERESTING OCCURRENCES. 
 
 The Miners of Bois-Monzil, Prison Escapes, 
 
 Jaques du Moulin, (the uncertainty Charbonniers, 
 
 of human testimony.) Porral and ethers, 
 
 Remarkable discovery of a Murder, Grivet, 
 
 Charles the Twelfth, Reign of Terror, 
 
 Whimsical Marriage, Remarkable Trial for Murder, 
 
 Algerine Conspiracy, Singular Adventure, 
 
 Extraordinary Adventure, Heidegger, 
 
 Otway's Orphan, Jemmy Taylor. 
 
 In One Volume, 12mo. 
 
 MAGPIE CASTLE. 
 
 BY THEODORE HOOK. 
 
 4ND OTHER TALES, 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 LEGENDS AND STORIES OF IRELAND. 
 
 BY SAMUEL LOVER. 
 
 11 Here is a genuine Irish story-book, of the most amusing character. Mr. 
 Lover shows us how to tell a tale in the ra-al Irish manner. We see the 
 people ; we hear them ; they are dramatized as they exist in nature ; and 
 ill their peculiarities are touched with a master's hand."— Lit. Gaz, 
 
 5 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY 
 
 In Three Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE PORT ADMIRAL. 
 
 By the Author of " Cavendish." 
 
 "A work full of interest and variety. The scenes are traced with a 
 powerful hand." — Sunday Times. 
 
 "These volumes will make a stir in what an old writer calls the 'wooden 
 world.' They touch too severely upon blemishes in the discipline, man- 
 ners, opinions, and principles of our maritime government, not to be eagerly 
 examined and perhaps sharply discussed by naval men."— Athenceum. 
 
 In One Volume, 8vo 
 
 CAPTAIN ROSS'S LAST VOYAGE. 
 
 Narrative of a Second Voyage in search of a North-west Passage, 
 and of a Residence in the Arctic Regions, during the Years 
 1829, 1830, 1831, 1832, and 1833. By Sir John Ross, C.B., 
 K. S. A., &c. Including the Reports of Commander J. C. Ross, 
 and the discovery of the Northern Magnectic Pole. With a 
 large Map. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE KING'S OWN; 
 
 A TALE OF THE SEA. 
 
 By the Author of "The Naval Offices," "Petee Simple," etc. 
 
 44 An excellent novel." — Edinbtirg Review. 
 
 44 Captain Marryat may take his place at the head of the naval novelists 
 of the day." — United Service Journal. 
 
 44 The adventures of the hero, through bold and stirring scenes, lose not a 
 jot of their interest to the last, while the naval descriptions of sights and 
 deeds on shipboard may be compared with any similar production of which 
 we have any knowledge." — Qtlas. 
 
 44 A very remarkable book, full of vigour, and characterized by incidents 
 of perfect originality, both as to conception and treatment. Few persona 
 will take up the book without going fairly through it to the catastrophe, 
 which startles the reader by its unexpected nature." — Literary Gazette. 
 
 44 Replete with genius. The work will go far permanently to fix the 
 name of Captain Marryat among the most popular and successful writers 
 of fiction of the age." — Felix Farley's Bristol Journal. 
 
 44 A work, perhaps, not to be equalled in the whole round of romance, 
 for the tremendous power of its descriptions, for the awfulness of its sub- 
 jects, and for the brilliancy and variety of the colours with which they 
 are painted."— Spectator. 
 6 
 
E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 In One Volume, 12mo. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF 
 
 COLONEL CROCKETT'S 
 
 TOUR TO THE NORTH AND DOWN EAST, 
 
 In the Year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and thirty- 
 four. His Object being to examine the grand manufacturing 
 Establishments of the Country ; and also, to find out the Con- 
 dition of its Literature and Morals, the Extent of its Commerce, 
 and the practical Operation of " The Experiment" 
 
 WITH A PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 In One Volume, 12mo. 
 
 COLONEL CROCKETT'S 
 
 LIFE OF VAN BUREN. 
 
 The Life of Martin Van Buren, Heir-apparent to the " Go- 
 vernment," and the appointed Successor of General Andrew 
 Jackson. Containing every authentic Particular by which his 
 extraordinary Character has been formed. With a concise 
 History of the Events that have occasioned his unparalleled 
 Elevation ; together with a Review of his Policy as a Statesman. 
 By David Crockett. 
 
 In Two Volumes 12mo. 
 
 THE NAVAL SKETCH-BOOK. 
 
 BY CAPTAIN GLASCOCK. 
 
 " In -The Naval Sketch-book' there are dozens of 'delicious bits/ which, 
 we are sure, will delight our readers. 5 '— John Bull. 
 
 "The book abounds with animated sketches of naval opinions and charac- 
 ter, described in that style which only a thorough-bred seaman can handle." 
 — Times. 
 
 "We do not think that there ever was a more sailorly publication than 
 this." — Literary Gazette. 
 
 "Unquestionably Captain Glascock is inferior to none as a humorous and 
 talented naval writer. His descriptions are true to nature, and his dialogues 
 full of life and entertainment; in short, his Sketches have all the charac- 
 teristics of a true British seaman." — Xaval and Military Gazette. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12 mo. 
 
 THE BLACK WATCH. 
 
 BY T. PICKEN. 
 
 By the Author of the " Domixie's Legacy." 
 
 "One of the most powerful and pathetic fictions which have recently 
 appeared."— Times. 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY 
 In Two Volumes, 12rao. 
 
 TALES OF A PHYSICIAN. 
 
 BY W. H. HARRISON. 
 
 Containing — The Victim, The Curate, The Gossip, The 
 Fate of a Genius, Disappointments, The Neglected 
 Wife, The Jew, The Stranger Guest, The Smuggler, 
 Cousin Tomkins the Tailor, The Life of an Author, 
 Remorse, The Sexton's Daughter, The Old Maid, The 
 Preacher, The Soldier's Bride, The Mortgagee. 
 
 " We cannot withhold from these tales the praise which is due to elegant 
 oomposition, when intended to promote the cause of morality and religion. 
 Li point of elegance, simplicity, and interest, few are so attractive."— Record. 
 
 " Graceful in language, displaying cultivated taste." — Literary Gazette. 
 ' " We welcome it with pleasure— they are told in a pleasant style, and with 
 great feeling." — Athenceum. 
 
 " Evidently the production of an experienced essayist : there is not only 
 considerable power of invention manifested in them, but the diction is always 
 pure, and at times lofty. We should say, he will occupy a very high station 
 among the writers of the day." — British Traveller. 
 
 "We cannot withhold from the author of the work before us the warm 
 praise due to its pious design, and decidedly instructive character. The 
 * Tales of a Physician' are written with very considerable talent. The idea 
 is a happy one." — Eclectic Review. 
 
 "A vein of amiable and highly moral feeling runs through the whole 
 volume."— Monthly Review. 
 
 "The book is well written— an amusing addition to the works of the sea- 
 son." — New Monthly Magazine. 
 
 " There is a high moral tone throughout."— Spirit and Manners of the Age. 
 (Nearly ready.) 
 
 THE HIGHLAND SMUGGLERS. 
 
 BY J. B. FRAZER. 
 
 Author of the "Kuzzilbash." 
 
 In One Volume, 12mo. 
 
 LETTERS AND ESSAYS, 
 IN PROSE AND VERSE. 
 
 BY RICHARD SHARP. 
 
 "Messrs. Carey & Hart have reprinted the Letters and Essays of Richard 
 Sharp, in a beautiful little volume. These excellent productions fully de- 
 serve the distinction of the neatest dress. They are sterling literature." — 
 National Gazette. 
 
 " What a pleasant volume ! It is the delightful and instructive writing of 
 a cultivated mind upon ordinary occasions and subjects ; and the sound 
 sense and elegant literature with which they are treated afford a great treat 
 far judgment and taste to appropriate. "—Literary Gazette. 
 8 
 
£. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE PACHA OF MANY TALES. 
 
 By the Author of " Peter Simple," &c. 
 
 ADVENTURES OF 
 
 JAPHET IN SEARCH OF HIS FATHER. 
 
 By the Author of" Jacob Faitrtul," " King's Ows,'' &c. 
 [In Press.) 
 
 In Three Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 TOM CRINGL E'S LOG. 
 
 COMPLETE. 
 A NEW EDITION, REVISED AND CORRECTED. 
 
 41 The scenes are chiefly nautical, and we can safely say that no author 
 of tha present day, not even excepting our own Cooper, has surpassed him 
 in his element." — U. S. Gazette. 
 
 41 The sketches are not only replete with entertainment, but useful, as 
 affording an accurate and vivid description of scenery, and of life and 
 manners in the West Indies." — Boston Traveller. 
 
 *• We think none who have read this work will deny that the author fs 
 the best nautical writer who has yet appeared. He is not Smollett, he is 
 not Cooper; but he is far superior to them both." — Boston Transcript, 
 
 44 The scenes are chiefly nautical, and are described in a style of beauty 
 and interest never surpassed by any writer." — Baltimore Gazette. 
 
 44 The author has been justly compared with Cooper, and many of his 
 sketches are in fact equal to any from the pen of our celebrated country- 
 man." — Saturday Evening Post. 
 
 44 A pleasant but a marvellously strange and wild amalgamation of wa. 
 ter and earth is 'Tom Cringle;' full of quips and cranks, and toils and 
 pranks. A fellow of fun and talent is he, with a prodigious taste for 
 yarns, long and short, old and new; never, or but seldom, carrying more 
 sail than ballast, and being a most delightful companion, both by land and 
 sea. We were fascinated with the talents of Tom when we met him in 
 our respected contemporary from the biting north. His Log was to us like 
 a wild breeze of ocean, fresh and health-giving, with now and then a dash 
 of the tearful, that summoned the sigh from our heart of hearts; but now 
 that the yarns are collected and fairly launched, we hail them as a source 
 of much gratification at this dull season. Tom Cringle and a Christmas 
 fire! may well join in the chorus of ' Begone, dull carer — The ' Quenching 
 of the Torch' is one of the most pathetic descriptions we ever read. The 
 4 Scenes at Jamaica' are full of vigour. As a whole, we have no hesitation 
 in pronouncing 'The Log' the most entertaining book of the season. 
 There has been a sort of Waverley mystery thrown over the authorship 
 of these charming papers; and though many have guessed the author, yet 
 we take unto ourselves the credit of much sagacity in imagining that we 
 only have solved the enigma: — there are passases in 'Tom Cringle' that 
 we believe no living author except Professor Wilson himself could write; 
 snatches of pure, exalted, and poetic feeling, so truly Wtlsonian, that we pen- 
 ciled them as we read on, and said. There he is again, and again, and again; 
 to the very last chapter."— New Monthly Magazine. 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY 
 
 THE CRUISE OF THE MIDGE. 
 
 By the Author of " Tom Cringle's Log." 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. 
 
 By the Author of " Tom Cringle's Log." 
 
 *'No stories of adventures are more exciting than those of seamen. The 
 aut/*nr of Tom Cringle's Log is the most popular writer of that class, ami 
 those sketches collected not long since into a volume by the same publish- 
 ers, in (his city, were universally read. A large edition was soon ex- 
 hausted. The present is, we believe, an earlier production, and has many 
 of the same merits." — Baltimore Gazette. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE PORT ADMIRAL; 
 
 A TALE OP THE SEA. 
 By the Author of " Cavendish." 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 LIVES OF THE ENGLISH PIRATES, 
 
 HIGHWAY-MEN, AND ROBBERS. 
 
 BY CHARLES WHITEHEAD. 
 
 "These are truly entertaining volumes, fraught with anecdote, and 
 abounding in extraordinary adventures." — Naval and Military Gazette. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 CAVENDISH; 
 OR, THE PATRICIAN AT SEA. 
 
 Tlie following Notice is from the pen of Mr. Bulwer. 
 
 "The peculiar characteristics of Captain Marryatt are shared by some 
 of his nautical brethren; and the author of Cavendish' has evinced much 
 ability and very vigorous promise in the works that have issued from his 
 pen." 
 
 " We should find it very difficult to be very angry w!th the 'Patrician,' 
 even if he had fifty times his real number of faults, on account of the 
 jovial, easy, reckless, off-hand style of character that seems to belong 
 to him. Our sea portraits multiply so fast, and advance so rapidly in ex- 
 cellence, that we become fastidious, and insist upon a likeness where 
 formerly we were contented with a caricature. ' Cavendish' partakes of 
 
 both Into these thousand or rather ten thousand scrapes, we cannot 
 
 follow him, but the reader may, much to his advantage. The Navarino 
 narrative, in particular, will be read with an interest proportioned to the 
 truth and spirit with which it is told." — New Monthly Magazine. 
 
E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 New and cheap Edition, in Two Volumes, 12mo., of the 
 
 MEMOIRS OF VIDOCQ, 
 
 THE CELEBRATED AGENT OF THE FRENCH POLICE. 
 
 ,l But it is not our province or intention to enter into a discussion of the 
 veracity of Vidocq's Memoirs : be they true or false ; were they purely 
 fiction from the first chapter to the last, they would, from fertility of in- 
 vention, knowledge of human nature, and ease of style, rank only second 
 to the novels of Le Sage. The first volume is perhaps more replete with 
 interest, because the hero is the leading actor in every scene; but in the 
 subsequent portions, when he gives the narrative of others, we cannot but 
 admire the power and graphic talent of the author. Sergeant Bellerose is 
 scarcely inferior to the Sergeant Kite of Farquhar; and the episodes of 
 Court and Raoul.and that of Adele d'Escars, are surpassed in description, 
 depth of feeling, and pathos, by no work of romance with which we are 
 acquainted." 
 
 From the Boston Traveller. 
 
 " Memoirs of Vidocq. — He who reads this book, being previously unac 
 quainted with the mystery of iniquity, will find himself introduced at 
 once into a new world: but it is a world which mu3t be known only to 
 be avoided. Never before was such a mass of depravity opened to the 
 mind of inquiry in a single volume. It was well said by Byron, " truth 
 is strange, stranger than fiction." Whoever passes through the details of 
 this singular exposition, supposing it to contain correct delineations of 
 fact, will be satisfied of the justness of this remark. 
 
 44 The details of the varied scenes through which he has passed in pri- 
 vate and public life, surpass all the creations of fancy, and all the deline- 
 ations of fact, from the wonderful relations of the Arabian Nights to the 
 renowned exploits of Mr. Lemuel Gulliver; and from the extraordinary 
 sufferings and escapes of the celebrated Baron Trenck to the still more 
 marvellous exploits of the famous Mr. Thomas Thumb. 
 
 M It would seem, on following this singular writer through his adven- 
 tures, as if all the crimes of which human nature is capable, all the hor- 
 rors of which the universe has heard, all the astonishing incidents which 
 history can develope or imagination portray, all the cool-blooded malice 
 of the assassin, and all the varied machinations of the most ingenious and 
 systematic practitioners in the school of vice, in all its varied depart- 
 ments, had been crowded into the life of a single individual, or come 
 beneath his cognizance. The lover of mystery, who delights to " sup upon 
 horrors," the admirer of romance, who is pleased with the heightened pic- 
 tures of the most fanciful imagination, and the inquirer into the policy 
 of crime and its prevention, may here have their utmost curiosity satiated. 
 
 44 Vidocq, during the early portion of his life, was personally initiated 
 into all the mysteries of crime, and becoming afterward a pardoned man, 
 and an active and successful agent of the French police in the city of Paris, 
 " girt with its silent crimes," as well as its tumultuous depravities, be- 
 comes a fit person to delineate its scenes of vice, depravity, and guilt. 
 His work is a study for the novelist, the annalist, the philosopher, and the 
 Christian. But it is a work which should be read with a guarded mind ; 
 with a disposition to profit by its lessons, and to avoid scenes which have 
 little enjoyment, and which invariably end in misery." 
 
 In Two Volumes 12mo. 
 
 THE HAMILTON S. 
 
 By the Author of " Mothers and Daughters." 
 
 "This is a fashionable novel, and of the highest grade." — Jithenaum. 
 ** Mrs. Gore is undeniably one of the wittiesi writers of the present day. 
 *The Hamiltons' is a most lively, clever, and entertaining work." — Lit.Oaz 
 4 'The design of the book is new, and the execution excellent."— Exam. 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 TOUGH Y A R N S; 
 
 A SERIES OF NAVAL TALES AND SKETCHES, TO PLEAS! 
 ' ALL HANDS, FROM THE SWABS ON THE SHOULDER 
 DOWN TO THE SWABS IN THE HEAD. 
 
 BY THE OLD SAILOR. 
 
 "Here, most placable reader, is a title for thee, pregnant with fun, and 
 deeply prophetic of humour, drollery, and all those joyous emotions that 
 so opportunely come to oil the springs of the overworn heart, and prevent 
 the cankering and rust from wearing them away and utterly destroying their 
 healthful elasticity." — Metropolitan. 
 
 " The Old Sailor paints sea scenes with vigour and gusto ; now-and-then 
 reminding us of 'Tom Cringle,' and with a strong sense of the comical that 
 approaches Smollet." — Spectator. 
 
 " Here we have the 'Old Sailor' once more, and in all his glory too ! The 
 public will join with us in hailing the reappearance of the 'old' boy. He 
 stands at the head of the naval humorists of the nineteenth century. We 
 have rarely seen an affair so richly humorous : it is one of the most amus- 
 ing and best written volumes of naval fiction we have ever seen." — Observer, 
 
 In Three Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE COQUETTE, 
 
 By the Author of " Miserrimtjs." 
 
 11 The ' Coquette' is a most amusing library book. Several of the cha- 
 racters are exceedingly well drawn : indeed, they are obviously sketches 
 from life, and there is a sparkling vivacity throughout the whole work." 
 — JVleic Monthly Magazine. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
 
 THE MISERIES OF MARRIAGE; 
 
 OR, THE FAIR OF MAY FAIR. 
 By the Author of " Pin Money," &c. 
 
 "Mrs. Gore certainly stands at the head of the female novelists of the 
 day. But we subjoin the opinion of Mr. Bulwer." — U. S. Gazette. 
 
 " She is the consummator of that undefinable species of wit, which we 
 should call (if we did not know the word might be deemed offensive, in 
 which sense we do not mean it) the slang of good society. 
 
 "But few people ever painted, with so felicitous a hand, the scenery of 
 worldly life, without any apparent satire. She brings before you the hoi- 
 lowness, the manoeuvres, and the intrigues of the world, with the bril- 
 liancy of sarcasm, but with the quiet of simple narrative. Her men and 
 women, in her graver tales, are of a noble and costly clay; their objects 
 are great; their minds are large, their passions intense and pure. She 
 walks upon the stage of the world of fashion, and her characters, have 
 grown dwarfed as if by enchantment. The air of frivolity has blighted 
 their stature ; their colours are pale and languid; they have no generous 
 ambition ; they are little people ! they are fine people ! This it is that makes 
 her novel of our social life so natural, and so clear a transcript of the 
 original ""—The Author of Pelham. 
 
E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 In One Volume, 12mo. 
 SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF 
 
 SIR PUMPKIN FRIZZLE, K. C. B. 
 
 AND OTHER TALES. 
 
 "Decidedly one of the most amusing productions of the year. In addi- 
 tion to the adventures of Sir Pumpkin, there are several capital stories 
 which caunot fail to be popular." 
 
 In One Volume, 8vo. 
 
 MEMOIRS OF THE 
 
 BEAUTIES OF THE COURT 
 
 OF CHARLES THE SECOND. 
 BY MRS. JAMESON. 
 Author of " Diary of ax Exnuyee," " Characteristics 
 of Women," &c. 
 " New work.— Messrs. Carey &; Hart, Philadelphia, have in press a popu- 
 lar book, 'The Beauties of the Court of King Charles the Second/ written 
 by Mrs. Jameson, whose father had been employed by the princess Char- 
 lotte to paint cabinet pictures of those too celebrated ladies. The princess 
 died before they were completed, and the consequence was, they were 
 never paid for. The circumstances of the family required some use should 
 be made of the paintings to produce a remuneration ; and Mrs. Jameson 
 undertook the delicate task of the letter press, the portraits being engraved 
 in the highest style of art. The London copy costs about twenty-five dol- 
 lars : the American edition will be an octavo without the portraits. Nell 
 Gwynn, the Duchess of Hamilton, &c. are not unknown characters in his. 
 tory. Mrs. Jameson has executed her department in a remarkably grace- 
 ful manner." — Journal of Belles Lettres. 
 
 MEMOIRS OF 
 GREAT MILITARY COMMANDERS 
 
 BY G. R. P. JAMES, 
 Author of " Darnley," " Henry Mastertok," &c. 
 
 Including Henry V. of England ; John, Duke of Bedford ; Gon- 
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 of Albemarle ; Duke of Marlborough ; The Earl of Peter- 
 borough ; Marquess of Granby ; General Wolfe, &c. &c. 
 
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 the lives of illustrious military commanders is not surprising ; for it is well 
 known that martial achievements have long been his favourite study."— 
 Morning Post. 
 
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 curiosity of readers, inasmuch as in the lives of such men romantic adven- 
 tures of the most exciting kind co-exist with the strictest truth."— Courier, 
 
 13 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BY 
 
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 In Two Volumes, 12mo. 
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 LIFE OF A SOLDIER 
 
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 Among the contributors will be found Washington Irving, 
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 LIST OF THE PLATES. 
 
 A Portrait of Miss Kemble, engraved by Cheney. 
 
 Smuggler's Repose, " Tucker. 
 
 The Orphans, " ' Welch. 
 
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 John Anderson, my Jo! " Laivso?i. 
 
 Prawn Fishers, " Graham. 
 
 Death of the Stag, " Tucker. 
 
 Mirkwood Mere, " Graham. 
 
 A Portrait, " Illman. 
 14 
 
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 poetry, patho3, and passion. The author 's a jewel." — Glasgow Journal 
 
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 author of 4 Makanna' is its discoverer."— Atlas. 
 
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 and the talent which is visible in its pages is its best recommendation to 
 public favour."— Morning Post. 
 
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 sustained from the first page to the last. It has been conceived in a fine 
 spirit ; the several characters are ably painted. .. .He is as much at home 
 on the ocean, and there are many scenes on ship-board equal to the best 
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 16 
 
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 writings of the author of 'The Last Days of Pompeii.' "—Examiner. 
 
 "A novel it is of beauty, grace, eloquence, noble thoughts, and tender 
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 17 
 
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 THE PAINTER'S AND COLOURMAN'S 
 
 COMPLETE GUIDE; 
 
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 plication to the different kinds of Painting ; in which is particularly 
 described the whole Art of House Painting. By P. F. Tingry, 
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 AND ROOMS OR PARLOURS, 
 
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 HOT-HOUSE, GREEN-HOUSE, AND LAYING OUT A 
 
 FLOWER-GARDEN. 
 
 Also, table of soils most congenial to the plants contained in the work. 
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 ispiece of Camellia Fimbriata. 
 
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 PRINCIPLES OF THE 
 
 ART OF MODERN HORSEMANSHIP 
 
 FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 
 IN WHICH ALL THE LATE IMPROVEMENTS ARE APPLIED TO PRACTICE. 
 
 Translated from the French, by Daniel J. Desmond. 
 The Art of Horsemanshii\— This is the title of a neat little work* 
 translated from the French of Mr. Lebeaud, by Daniel J. Desmond, Esq. 
 of this city, and just published by Carey & Hart. It gives full and explicit 
 directions for breaking and managing a horse, and goes into detail on ihe 
 proper mode of mounting, the posture in the saddle, the treatment of the 
 animal under exercise, &c. An appendix is added, containing instructions 
 for the ladies, in mounting and dismounting. 
 
 The Philadelphia public are under obligations to Mr. Desmond for this 
 translation. We have long needed a manual of horsemanship, to correct 
 the inelegant habits in which many of our riders indulge, and to produce 
 uniformity in the art of equitation. We see daily in our streets, mounted 
 men, who totter in their seats as if suffering under an ague-fit; others 
 who whip, spur, and rant, as if charging an enemy in battle ; and again 
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 earnestly do we hope, that tins book will have many attentive readers. 
 — Philadelphia Gazette. 
 
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 Iadelphia, has been much praised, and we think deservedly. The selection 
 of subjects made by the accomplished writer is of a most tempting and 
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 ciations. We commend her to the careful perusal and respect of all thrifty 
 housewives." — <Xew York .Minor. 
 
 19 
 
NEW WORKS PUBLISHED BV 
 In One Volume, 8vo. 
 
 MATHEMATICS FOR PRACTICAL MEN ; 
 
 BEING 
 
 A COMMON-PLACE BOOK 
 
 OF PRINCIPLES, THEOREMS, RULES AND TABLES, IN VARIOUS DEPARTMENTS OF 
 
 PURE AND MIXED MATHEMATICS, 
 
 With their applications ; especially to the pursuits of surveyors, antfti- 
 
 tects, mechanics, and civil engineers. With numerous engravings. 
 
 BY OLINTHUS GREGORY, LL.D., F.R.A.S. 
 
 SECOND EDITION, CORRECTED AND IMPROVED. 
 
 Only let men awake, and fix their eyes, one while on the nature or 
 things, another while on the application of them to the use and service 
 of mankind."— Lord Bacon 
 
 Extract of a Letter from Walter R. Johnson, Professor of Mechanics and 
 Natural Philosophij in the Franklin Institute. 
 
 " This treatise is intended and admirably calculated to supply the defi- 
 ciency in the means of mathematical instruction to those who have nei- 
 ther time nor inclination to peruse numerous abstract treatises in the same 
 departments. It has, besides the claims of a good elementary manual, the 
 merit of embracing several of the most interesting and important depart- 
 ments of Mechanics, applying to these the rules and principles embraced 
 in the earlier sections of the work. 
 
 " Questions in Statics, Dynamics, Hydrostatics, Hydro-dynamics, &c. 
 are treated with a clearness and precision which must increase the powers 
 of the student over his own intellectual resources by the methodical habits 
 which a perusal of such works cannot fail to impart. 
 
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 portant profession, much valuable matter is contained in this volume ; and 
 the results of many laborious series of experiments are presented with con- 
 ciseness and accuracy." 
 
 Letter from Albert B. Dod, Professor of Mathematics in the College of 
 New Jersey. 
 
 " Messrs. Carey & Hart, 
 
 fl Gentlemen— I am glad to learn that you have published an American 
 edition of Dr. Gregory's " Mathematics for Practical Men." I have for 
 some time been acquainted with this work, and I esteem it highly. It 
 contains the best digest, within my knowledge, of such scientific facts and 
 principles, involved in the subjects of which it treats, as are susceptible of 
 direct practical application. While it avoids such details of investigation 
 and processes of mathematical reasoning as would render it unintelligible 
 to the general reader, it equally avoids the sacrifice of precision in its 
 statement of scientific results, which is too often made in popular trea- 
 tises upon the Mathematics and Natural Philosophy. The author has suc- 
 ceeded to a remarkable degree in collecting such truths as will be found 
 generally useful, and in presenting them in an available form to the prac- 
 tical mechanic. To such, the work cannot be too strongly recommended ; 
 and to the student, too, it will often be found highly useful as a book of 
 reference. 
 
 " With much respect, 
 
 " Your obedient servant, 
 
 " ALBERT B. DOD, 
 
 " Professor of Mathematics in the College of New Jersey 
 " Princeton, Nov. 11, 1834." 
 
 22 
 
E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 In One Volume, 12ino. 
 CONVERSATIONS 
 
 ON VEGETABLE PHYSIOLOGY; 
 
 COMPREHENDING THE ELEMENTS OP BOTANY, WITH THEIR APPLICATION 
 TO AGRICULTURE. 
 
 By the Author of " Conversations on Chemistry," &c. &c. 
 Adapted to the use of schools by 
 
 J. L. BLAKE, A. M. ^ 
 
 Third American Edition, with coloured plates. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 8vo. 
 
 NATURE DISPLAYED 
 
 IN HER MODE OF TEACHING LANGUAGE TO MAN; 
 
 Being a new and infallible method of acquiring languages with un- 
 paralleled rapidity ; deduced from the Analysis of the human Mind, 
 and consequently suited to every capacity ; adapted to the French, 
 
 BY N. G, DUFIEP. 
 
 To which is prefixed a development of the author's plan of tuition : 
 differing entirely from every other ; so powerful in its operation and 
 so very economical, that a libera! education can be afforded even to 
 the poorest of mankind. 
 
 EIGHTH EDITION, ENLARGED AND IMPROVED. 
 
 In Two Volumes, 8vo. 
 
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 DISPLAYED. 
 
 In One, Volume, 8vo. 
 A NEW UNIVERSAL AND 
 
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 OF THE FRENCH AND ENGLISH LANGUAGES. 
 
 Containing above fifty thousand terms and names not to be found in 
 the Dictionaries of Boyer, Perry, Nugent, &c. &c. ; to which is added 
 a vast fund of other information equally beneficial and instructive 
 
 BY N. G. DUFIEF. 
 
 A new Edition, revised and corrected by the Author. 
 
 21 
 
£ 
 
 PUBLISHED BY CAREY AND HART. 
 
 In One Volume, 12mo. 
 
 FORMULARY FOR THE 
 
 PREPARATION AND EMPLOYMENT 
 
 OF 
 
 SEVERAL NEW REMEDIES. 
 
 TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH OF 
 
 M. MAGENME. 
 
 With an Appendix containing the experience of the British Practitioners, 
 
 with many of the new remedies. 
 
 BY JOSEPH HOULTON, M. D. 
 
 In One Volume, 8vo. 
 A TREATISE ON 
 
 LESSER SURGERY; 
 
 OR THE 
 
 MINOR SURGICAL OPERATIONS. 
 
 BY BOURGERY, D. M. P. 
 Author of " A Complete Treatise on Human Anatomy, comprising Opera- 
 tive Medicine." Translated from the French, with notes 
 and an Appendix ; by 
 
 WILLIAM C. ROBERTS AND J AS. B. KISSAM. 
 
 Copy of a letter from Williaji Gibson, M. D. Professor of Sur- 
 gery in the University of Pennsylvania. 
 
 Philadelphia, Nov. 5th, 1833. 
 It gives me pleasure to say that the elementary work on Surgery, by 
 M. Bourgery, and now under translation by Drs. Roberts and Kissam of 
 New York, appears to me well calculated for the use of students. So far as 
 I can judge from examination of a small portion of the English text, jus- 
 tice has been done by the translators to the author of the work. 
 
 W. GIBSON, M. D. 
 Prof essor of Surgery in the University of Pennsylvania. 
 
 Copy of a letter from George M'Clellan, M. D. Professor of 
 Surgery in the Jefferson Medical College. 
 
 Philadelphia, Nov. 6th, 1833. 
 Dear Sirs, 
 
 I have examined Bourgery's manual, or work on Lesser Surgery, and 
 am of opinion that it is an excellent compend. which contains a great deal 
 of matter that will be useful to students. The translation which you are 
 about to make, will deserve a large edition, and I have no doubt will meet 
 with a ready sale. 
 
 Yours trulv, 
 
 GEO. MCLELLAN. 
 Drs. Roberts and Kissam. 
 26