A Rose of Mexico A Pair Of Pants A Jack And His Queen A Drama Talking Act A Comedietta / An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch Chatter Monologue for Males Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch Family Secrets Monologue Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode Keep Your Eye On The Ball Comedy Sketch Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch What Every Woman Thinks She Knows Suffragette Monologue M. WITMARK & SONS, Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York Note. — The acting rights of this play are expressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom all per- sons wishing to produce it should apply. Amateur presentation may be made with- out such application and without charge. A Jack and His Queen A Comedietta in One Act By HARRY L. NEWTON Copyright 1913 hy M. WITMARK & SONS International Copyright Secured M. WITMARK & SONS Publishers Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS Professional Performing rights reserved COSTUMES. Jack Windsor — Afternoon walking suit. Flora Mason — Afternoon walking dress, hat, furs, etc. Hall Boy — Uniform. PROPERTIES. Books and magazines on table. Photograph of Flora. Envelope containing a visiting card for Hall Boy. Tray with lunch, glasses, knives, and forks ; bottle of wine for Hall Boy. Cigarette case with cigarettes for Jack. TMP96-007192 D 34016 CHARACTERS : Jack Windsor — A Young Bachelor. Flora Mason — His Fiancee and Queen of His Heart. A Hall Boy. Locality. — Jack Windsor's apartments. Time. — An afternoon this year. SYNOPSIS : Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, has recently re- turned from an eight years' tour of the world, and, having sown his wild oats, decides to settle down by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason, whom he has not seen since she was a young Miss with her hair in pig-tails. Flora pays a surreptitious visit to Jack's apart- ments, and while there discovers a visiting card bearing the name of "Tottie Twinkletoes," a dancer who, it has been previously announced, will call upon Jack that very afternoon. Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception, and some very smart dialogue ensues, at the end of which peace and mutual understanding are fully established. DIAGRAM OF STAGE. O.R.C. CO. £>.£.. C / Rue.f J nzJ niEf pj R.C. \ e. L,C L.3.C . V 2 C . AUDIENCE.. L. I. E. — Left first entrance. R. I. E. — Right first entrance. L. U. E. — Left upper entrance, C. — Centre of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. Iv. C. — Left centre of stage- C. D.— Centre door. D. R. C. —Door right centre. D. L. C— Door left centre. A Jack and His Queen STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, R. means right hand; L., left hand; C, centre of stage. Scene. — Bachelor "den" in Jack Windsor's apart- ments. Piano L. Table, on which are books and magazines, etc., R. C. Fireplace with mantelpiece and looking-glass above it R. On mantel is a photo- graph of a young girl. Telephone on table. Stage to be set as handsomely as circumstances will per- mit. Door leading to street L. 3 E. At rise of the curtain Jack is discovered in comfortable chair near the fire, with his feet elevated on table, and smoking a cigarette. Jack — George! but it's good to be home again after knocking about the continent for eight years. I tell you, when a fellow gets to be my age he's good and willing to settle down, and that's what I'm going to do pretty soon — settle down. No more warm birds and cold bottles for yours truly. I cut it all out from now on. I wonder what Flora looks like, anyway — now. Last time I saw her she was in short skirts, had two fetching pig-tails, and some freckles. (Eyes fall on photo on mantel.) Hello, A JACK AND HIS QUEEN there she is now! (Gets up, goes to mantel and gases at photo.) Howdy-do, Mrs. Windsor-soon- to-be. Take a good look at your future husband. You'll probably see more of me now than after our marriage. But, no, that won't be so. I'm going to be just the nicest thing in well-behaved husbands to be found. (Throws cigarette into grate.) I think I'll quit smoking right now — at least that particular cigarette. (Produces cigarette case, selects and lights cigarette; puffs reflectively.) She was a nice girl, all right, and — (Hall Boy enters with envelope containing card from L.) Jack — Hello! What's this? (Opens envelope, takes card, and reads card aloud) : "Tottie Twinkle- toes." Huh! What's this, anyway? Tottie Twin- kletoes ! Where is the lady ? Boy— There ain't no lady. An A. D. T. breezed in here with it. He sez I wuz to beat it upstairs and give it to youse. Is that all? (Holds out his hand.) Jack — Yes. Boy (thrusting out hand prominently) — Beg par- don, sir; is that all? Jack — I hope it is. One strange lady is quite enough. Boy — Come on, kick in, kick in! I've got a widowed father and three kids to support. Jack (handing him coin) — There ; on your way! Boy — Yes, sir ; thank you, sir. (Exit L.) Jack (looking at card in his hand in puzded manner) — Well, who — what — Say, I wonder who A JACK AND HIS QUEEN belongs to this ? Great title — "Tottie Twinkletoes.'* Sounds like an actorine, doesn't it? But I don't know her. Can't say I care to. (Telephone bell rings.) Hello, I wonder who that is? Some busy day for yours truly. (Goes to phone, takes down receiver, and calls) : Hello, hello ! Yes, this is Pink — Pink I said, not punk. Pink — Pink! Say, what's the matter with you, are you color blind? Pink 23. Yes, this is — what's that? Date? Date? I don't — Peach? See here — Pair? What's that — pair ? You say you have a date for me and a peach? Hello — say, what do you think this is, a fruit store? What's that you say? Bird? Lark? (Laughs aside.) Now he thinks he's got a bird store. Oh, is that you. Bill ? Say, you had me go- ing. I thought you were ringing up a department store. Yes — Oh, I had a great time! Yes, kind of rough on the ocean. A little rough on my bank roll ? Well, rather ! Say, Bill, you ain't living 'less you go to Paris. You just ought to see some of those — but no more for mine. I'm the regular Httle Sunday school scholar from now on. Card ? What's that? Tottie Twinkletoes? (Picks up card from table.) Yes, sure ; kid just brought it. Say, what's the matter with her, and what's the trouble with you? No, I'm reformed — cross my heart; nothing stirring. Bill, not a leaf. I tell you I don't want to meet her! Coming? Right away? Well, see here, she's not. I tell you — Hello, hello. Bill, for Heaven's sake] (Hangs up receiver.) He's gone. Well, what do you think of that? Ain't it awful, Mabel? I'll tell you now, no Tottie Twinkletoes A JACK AND HIS QUEEN gets in here this afternoon. No, siree ! {He throws card on table R., and then goes over to piano and sits down, picks up song and reads title aloud.) That's just the way I feel. (Introduces song. At conclusion of same exits R.) (A knock at door L.) Flora {After a slight pause, peeps in) — May a body come in ? Why, the place is deserted ! ( Com- ing down toward table, laughing.) Put not thy faith in elevator boys. He told me, "I sure would" find Mr. Windsor at home. {Goes to fire and warms her hands.) Dear old Jack ! Won't he be surprised to see me ! It's eight long years since we — we be- came engaged. {Sighs.) My, but that's a long time to wear a man's name. {She has turned to table and is turning over books, etc., when she picks up card and reads absent-mindedly) : "Tottie Twin- kletoes" — what a queer name ! {Laughs, but breaks off suddenly.) But I wonder who this Twinkletoes person is? {Looks at card again.) Her card cer- tainly occupies a very prominent place on my Jack's table. But, pshaw! my Jack wouldn't — {Going toward L. ) {Enter Jack from R. He starts back in surprise on seeing Flora.) Jack — Oh, Miss Twinkletoes ! So you came, anyway ? Flora {Confused) — Yes, I — who — {Looks again at card.) Jack {Aside) — Gee, she's peach preserves! Bill sure has taste, all right. {Looks care f idly around rooin, then goes to centre door and draws curtains; A JACK AND HIS QUEEN still aside) Won't do any harm to speak to her, anyway. (To her) What will you have — I mean, have a seat. Take off your — hat. Flora — Why, really, Mr. Windsor, I didn't — Jack— Oh, that's all O. K. Bill just called up and said you'd be over. Flora — Oh, he did, did he? Jack — Surest thing you know. I say. Miss Twin- kletoes, do you — (Busies himself in placing a chair by the table.) Flora (Aside) — Oh, so I'm Miss Twinkletoes! Here's my chance to have a little fun — and find out what my Jack is like. (To him) So Bill said I was coming, did he? Isn't Bill a bully guy? Honest, I think he's a four-time winner. Jack (Surprised at her language) — Yes — yes, he is. But tell me — Never mind. Wait till you know me better. (Aside) Not only a swell looker, but all to the spring flowers on her monologue stunt. It's me to get cozy with her. (To her) Oh, is that chair comfortable ? Flora (Meanwhile has seated herself in careless fashion) — Believe me, party, it is. Jack — Glad to hear it. Won't you take off your coat? Flora — Guess not, party. Your fiancee may come piking along any moment, and I need all the hair I've got. Say, do you know you're a whole lot different from what I expected ? Bill says you was stand-ofiish — that you were engaged for the wed- ding march. 'Tis true? Jack — Oh, not exactly engaged. Just a mere ar- 10 A JACK AND HIS QUEEN rangement. You know the way these things are settled. But let's talk about yourself. Are you an actress ? Flora — As to that, the jury's still out. I don't care to play my own trombone solo, but when I pull out all the emotional stops and start chasing Camille around the parlor, Leslie Carter begins to cancel time forthwith. And my notices ! My dear, they're simply immense! Why, the man on the Jayville Junction Journal sez : "Her comedy is tragedy, and her tragedy is comedy." Say, you can't get 'em any stronger than that! If it wasn't for a personal tiff with Abe Erlanger I'd be on Broadway to-day. At that, I'm hidin' from Henry W. Savage. Why, Dil- lingham sez to me : "Any time. Miss Twinkletoes, you want a production a star like you should have, come to me." Jack — Are you playing emotional roles now? Flora — I should hope not ! I'm a merry villager with Sam Bernard, with a line after the opening chorus. I step out and say : "Oh, girls, here comes the king!" Believe me, I get a hand just as soon as the king comes on. Jack — Have you a song in the show? Flora — With the prima donna green with jeal- ousy as a creme-de-menthe ? I guess not ! You know, party, I'm the last one to start any anvil chorus, but all that skirt knows about singing she snatches from a hurdy-gurdy without hurting the works ; and when it comes to dancing, a switch en- gine could give her the double-cross. Why, she ought to be home in a rocking-chair. 11 A JACK AND HIS QUEEN Jack — Oh, I suppose she had ; but do you know, you're just the style of girl I like. Breezy, right up to the minute — a real good pal. What would you say to a small bottle ? Flora — Few words, indeed ; but give me a knockdown to a quart of wealthy water and I'll put you up to a line of chatter that's got it on any doll on the Big Light Alley. White Seal, party, for mine. Jack (Rings call bell) — How's your appetite? Will you have a bird ? Flora — Nix for the bird talk. But I could do a lovely specialty with an order of ham and eggs, if I wasn't afraid of givin' the comic papers the du- plex-cross. Say, where do you Johns get the idea us actresses live on birds? Every time you lay orbs on us you make a noise like a squab. It's poor talk, believe me, it is. (Enter Boy L.) Jack (To Boy) — Bring the luncheon ordered for this afternoon, and a couple of bottles in a bucket. Flora — Don't be short. Make it a full house in a wash tub, sonny. Boy— All right. (Exit.) Jack — You must have inherited your appetite for ham and eggs from Bill — he always takes them. Flora (Surz'eying room) — Gee, you've got this room fixed up to give Dave Belasco the Willies. I shouldn't think you'd want to chuck all this glad stuff just to ask some dame to. help pick out a jan- itor with you. . Jack — Say, what does all that mean in plain American ? 12 A JACK AND HIS QUEEN Flora — Why, to do the (feather-thchnest act; boom the orange blossom industry ; get married, of course. Gee, that's simple ! Jack (Thoughtfully) — You know, I've thought of that same thing myself, and I'm thinking that this is a mighty comfortable way to live, after all. Flora (Aside in natural voice) — Oh, you do, do you ? Think I'll gather some more evidence against you, Mr. Jack. (To him) Yep, you're right there, party. Marriage is all right in the $i.i8 novels, but when you start acting it out it's some different. How'd you like to tend the furnace, bring in the milk, beat carpets, wash dishes, pay rent and a half million other things? Nix, and likewise nay, for httle Tottie ! Jack — I guess you're right, little girl. (Goes over to piano.) I certainly wish I could get out of this engagement thing. (Strikes chords on piano.) Flora (Aside, in natural voice) — Oh, you do? (To him) Sure. Once you're married, the kibosh is on the shows, lights, music, and the whole merry- merry works. It'll be you for the slippers and fire- side gag. You won't be in on the first nights and the lobster palaces. You won't see the girls dance — Say, did you ever see me dance? Well, just you strike up some hasty music and I'll make Loie Ful- ler look like a cripple. (Introduction of dance by Flora. At conclusion Jack makes a rush at Flora, zvith idea of kissing her, hut she evades him.) Flora (Placing table betzveen them) — Now, don't you make any fool breaks on that hug propo- IS A JACK AND HIS QUEEN sition. These hurry lovers don't always get results. I've seen guys that would make love to beat the band cut out by a slow boy whose work was pol- ished. Jack — ^Just one kiss. You have bewitched me. Flora — Well, stay that way. As soon as you kissed me you'd come to. Say, bo, I didn't dope you out for such a cheap guy that you thought a quart of wine entitled yau to everything. (Boy enters with tray and lunch — L. i.) Boy — Here's the lunch, sir. Jack — Put it on the table. Boy (Placing tray on table) — Yes, sir. Did you forget something? Jack (Giving him coin) — On your way. (Boy exit L.) Flora (Grabbing chair and placing it at table) — They're off! Say, party, you'll be left at the post if you don't start in on the food supply. (Takes napkin and tucks it carefully about her chin.) Great^ ain't it ? Overlooked the fried onions, but at that I guess I won't starve to death. (Takes knife and heaps it full, then puts it in mouth.) Say, what's wrong with the bubbles? Might as well touch off the fireworks now. Jack (Who has watched her in disgust) — Do you always eat with your knife? Flora — Sure — it's better than fingers. Remem- ber, Tm a lady. Jack (Rises, opens wine, and iills both glasses; then picks one up and holds it aloft) — Here's to A JACK AN^D HIS QUEEN you. "Drink to me only with thine eyes." (Intro- duces song.) Flora (After song) — Here's to you, bright eyes. (Picks up her glass, pretends to drink, but throws ivine in bucket; then she reaches over, gets his glass and repeats business.) Here's looking at you again. You got a bully voice, kid! Know anything else? (Takes another large mouthful.) Jack (Sadly) — Yes, I know I've made a mistake. Do you know, Miss Twinkletoes, that your manners are simply atrocious? (Pidls out cigarette case.) Flora — Say, kid, forget it. Gimme a cigareiie. Jack — No, I won't. I don't allow women to smoke in my apartments. I want you to finish up that stuff and leave. I'll ring up Bill and have him call for you. (Sta7'ts for phone.) Flora (Dropping chorus girl voice and manner) — Oh, please don't do that ! Please don't ! Jack (Turning in surprise) — Why, what does this mean ? Flora — It means that I have been imposing on you. That I am not Miss Tottie Twinkletoes at all. Jack — Then who in thunder are you? Flora — I am Miss Flora Mason and I'm looking for Mr. Jack Windsor. I intended to surprise him, but I've evidently gotten into the wrong apartment. (Tearfully, and looking about nervously.) Jack (Aside) — She doesn't'know me. I'll have a little fun with her. (To her) What kind of a looking chap is this Windsor ? Flora — He's tall and handsome, with the carriage of a gentleman. Why, he's a veritable Greek god. A JACK AND HIS QUEEN I love tall men. (Looking at Jack from head to foot) Short men do not impress me at all. Jack (Aside)— Kind of a hot shot! (To her) How long since you saw this — this Apollo? Flora — Eight years — but I'm sure Td know him anywhere. Jack (Throzving out chest and rising to full height) — Then look at him. I'm Jack Windsor! Flora — Jack Windsor? You? (Laughs.) Why, my Jack is a gentleman. My Jack wouldn't enter- tain a chorus girl or try to steal a kiss. Jack — Well, I didn't think that my Flora would drink champagne, do a skirt dance, or eat with her knife, either. Flora (Hangs head) — I'm afraid I've been a very bad girl. (Eagerly) But did I do a chorus girl well? Jack — Flora, you were a Jim-dandy — true to life, too! Flora — Why, Jack, how do you know ? Jack (Stammering) — Why — oh, why, I've read about them, you know — just read about 'em ! Flora (MolliHed) — Oh, I see! But I'm awfully glad you like my acting, because I'm going to do an imitation of Rose Stahl to-morrow night at the Art- ists' Club, and I got good old Bill to fix it up so I could surprise you. So you sec we've just both been playing. Jack — Yes, and perhaps not according to Hoyle, either ; because for the first time on record the Jack is going to take the Queen. (Takes her in his arms.) curtain. AUG 5 1913 CHARLES DICKSON'S FAMOUS ONE-ACT PLAYS (ROYALTY PRODUCTIONS.) "THE SALT CELLAR." Adapted from the French by Henry Doblin. This delightful comedy of domestic life, originally played as a curtain raiser to "Incog" by Mr. Charles Dickson with Lillian Burkhart and Louis Mann. For years there has been a demand for this little play and we are sure the fact of its being released and published will be hailed with d^elight. While "The Salt Cellar" is remarkably amusing, its great popularity rests upon the fact that it is so abso- lutely human. In this respect it may be called a veri- table "chapter from real life." It is the story of a hysterical little bride and her new- ly wedded husband and their first dinner in the new home, to which they have invited their old uncle. They have agreed never to quarrel with each other and are in the very ecstacies of their honeymoon, when the bride accidentally upsets the salt cellar at the dinner table and the old superstition with reference to the salt cellar involves them in one of the fiercest of do- mestic quarrels, which finally terminates with the com- plete subjugation of the new husband. This play will live as long as human nature. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE THIRD CHAPTER." Adapted from the French by Charles Dickson. This is an adaption from the French, the leading parts of which have been played by every prominent actor and actress on the French, German and English stage for the past fifty years or more. It is the most perfect example, in form and construction, of the one-- act comedy extant and may be designated a classic. There are other versions of this play in existence, but this is the version adapted by Mr. Dickson and played by him throughout America nearly one thousand times. It is the best acting version of the comedy now known in the English language, the result of the many times that Mr. Dickson has played it. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmark Bldg. Nev/ York LIBRARY OF CONGRESS R 015 910 045 5