6015 78 D4 10 py 1 n In Great Britain only J mCH'S ACTING EDITION THE DEAR DEPARTED (STANLEY HOUGHTON) The AMATEUR FEE for each representation of this piece is £1 Is., payable in advance to SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C. ^§ \ London : IM) SAMTTEL FRENCH, Ltd., ) PUBLISHERS, ) 26, SOUTHAMPTON STREET. STRAND. BELFAST- m m m ill ) „ ; J. Nicholson, 26, Church Lane. p BIRMINGHAM- ^ James Guest, 12, Snow Hill. W.H. Smith & Son, 34, Union St. BRADFORD- W. H. Smith & Son, 5, Dale Street. BRISTOL- E. ToLEMAN, 2, Rupert Street. DUBLIN- MoRROw's Library ,12,Nas8au St. EDINBURGH- H. Robinson. 111-115, Leith St. GLASGGW- Wm. Lovk, 221, Argyle Street. LEEDS- R. Jackson, 18, Conimprcial St. LIVERPOOL— J. BURKINSHA-W & Snxs, 28-30, Colquitt Street. MANCHESTER- JOHN Hkywood, Deansgate and Ridgef.elrt. NEWCASTLE-ON-TYNE- Thomas Axlan, 18 & 20, Blackett Street. PLYMOUTH- \V. HSARDBR, 195, Union St PRESTON- ,, ^ J. Watkinson, 41, Cannon St, New Yokr; SAMUEL FRENCH, FUBUSHSB, 28, WEST 38th STREET. m m SHEFFIELD- Geo. Slater, Fitzalan Sq. *| BOMBAY- j Thackkr & Co. \ CALCUTTA- Thackkr, Spikk 4 Co. ' MADRAS- ) Hiqginbotham & Co., ) 165, Mount Road. ) SIMLA- Thaoker, Spink & Co. ) jjj CAPE COLONY- ^ »'' J. 0. JuTA, Cape Town. CAPE town- Messrs. Darter & Sons, i DURBAN- ( Vaus Slatter & Co. I MELBOURNE- ' WlUL. Andrade 201, Bourke Street. B. VV. Cole, Book Arcade. ADELAIDE- E. S. WiGG & Son. Cawthorne & Co. NEW ZEALAND- J. Braithwaitk, Dunedia. WiLDMAN & Abet, Auckland. SYDNEY- S. J. KlRBY, 561, George Street. W^ NEW DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE SENT POST FREE 6,000 Plays, 10,000 Recitations. Post Free. Send for Catalogues The Guide to Selecting Plays is now published annually— entirely revised and brought up-to-date. Price Is. uD a view to obviate the great difficulty experienced by Amateurs (par- uiarly in country houses) in obtaining Scenery, &c., to fix in a Drawing Room, .jid then only by considerable outlay for hire and great damage caused to walla, we have decided to keep a series of Coloured Scenes Mounted on Canvas with roller, or they can be had unmounted on thirty sheets of strong papet and can be joined together or pasted on canvas or wood, according to require ment. Full directions, with diagrams shewing exact size of Back Scenes, Borders, and Wings, can be had free on application. The following scenes are kept in itock. Kept in two sizes. The size of the back scene of the smaller one is nearly Hi feet long and 6i feet high, and extends with the Wings and Border to 15 feet long and 8 feet high. The back scene of the large one is 13 feet long and 9 feet high and extends with the Wings and Border to 20 feet long and llj leet high. It is not necessary to have the scene the height of the room, as blue paper to represent sky is usually hung at the top. £ s. d. Small Size, with Wings and Border complete, unmounted . . . . 1 10 Ditto, mounted 3 3 Large Size, with Wings and Border complete unmounted . . . . 2 Ditto, mounted .. i Blue Paper 20 inches by 30, per sheet . . ~ ..00 Kept lu two sizes, bame as the Garden Scene, and at similar ^rice THE DEAR DEPARTED THE DEAR DEPARTED A COMEDY IN ONE ACT By STANLEY HOUGHTON Copyright, 19 io, by Samuel French, Ltd New York | London SAMUEL FRENCH ; SAMUEL FRENCH Ltd Publisher j 26 Southampton Street 2S-30 WEST 38TH STREET ; STRAND < t.a'^ ^T^» CCLD 2i>9'^9 CHARACTERS Mrs. Slater -» Mrs. Jordan / (Sisters. Henry Slater 1 Ben Jordan Victoria Slater (.-I gii'l of ten.) Abel Merryweather. r {Their husbands.) The action, fakes place in a provincial toivn on a Saturday afternoon. Produced at the Gaiety Theatre, Manchester, by Miss Horniman's Company on November 2, 1908, with the follow- ing cast : — Mrs. Slater Ada King. Victoria Slater Enid Meek. Henry Slater Henry Austin. Mrs. Jordan Louise Holbrook. Ben Jordan Joseph A. Keogh. Abel Merryweather Edward Lander. Any costumes or wigs required for the production of "The Dear Departed" may be hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs. C. H. Fox, Ltd., 27, Welhngton Street, Strand, London -d n o ho skips back smartly and retreats ivith Mrs. Jordan to a safe distance beloia the sofa.) Mrs. S. {approaching Abel gingerly). Grand- father, is that you ? {She pokes him with her hand to see if he is solid.) Abel. Of course it's me. Don't do that, 'Melia, What the devil do you mean by this tomfoolery ? Mrs. S. {to the others). He's not dead. Ben. Doesn't seem like it. Abel {irritated by the whispering). You've kept away long enough, Lizzie ; and now you've come j^ou don't seem over-pleased to see me. Mrs. J. You took us by surprise, father. Are you keeping quite well ? Abel {trying to catch the words). Eh ? What ? Mrs. J. Are you quite well ? Abel. Ay, I'm right enough but for a bit of a headache. I wouldn't mind betting that I'm not the first in this house to be carried to the cemetery. I always think Henry there looks none too healthy. Mrs. J. Well I never ! (Abel crosses to the armchair and Henry gets out of hisivay to the front of the table.) Abel. 'Meha, what the dickens did I do with my new slippers ? Mrs. S. {confused). Aren't they by the hearth, grandfather ? Abel. I don't see them. {Observing Henry trying to remove the slippers.) Why, you've got 'em on, Henry. 20 THE DEAR DEPARTED, Mrs. S. {promptly). I told him to put them on to stretch them, they were that new and hard. Now, Henry. (Mrs. Slater snatclies the slippers front Henry and gives them to Abel, ivho puts them on and sits in armchair.) Mrs. J. [to Ben). Well, I don't call that delicate, stepping into a dead man's shoes in such haste. (Henry goes up to the u'indow and pulls up the blind.) Victoria rtms across to Abel and sits on the floor at his feet.) Vic. Oh, grandpa, I'm so glad you're not dead, Mrs. S. {in a vindictive whisper). Hold your tongue, Victoria. Abel. Eh ? What's that ? Who's gone dead ? Mrs, S. {loudly). Victoria says she's sorry about your head. Abel. Ah, thank you, Vicky, but I'm feeling better. Mrs. S. {to Mrs. J.) He's so fond of Victoria. Mrs J. {to Mrs. S.). Yes; he's fond of our Jimmy, too. Mrs. S. You'd better ask him if he promised your Jimmy his gold watch. Mrs. J. {disconcerted). I couldn't just now. I don't feel equal to it. Abel. Why, Ben, you're in mourning ! And Lizzie too. And 'Melia, and Henry and little Vicky ! Who's gone dead ? It's some one in the family. {He chuckles.) Mrs. S. No one you know, father. A relation of Ben's. Abel. And what relation of Ben's ? Mrs. S, His brother. Ben {to Mrs. S.) Dang it, I never had one. Abel. Dear, dear. And what was his name, Ben? THE DEAR DEPARTED. 21 Ben {at a loss). Er — er. {He crosses io front of table.) Mrs. S. (r. of table) {prompting). Frederick. Mrs. J. (l. of table) {prompting). Albert. Ben. Er — Fred — Alb — Isaac. Abel. Isaac ? And where did your brother Isaac die ? Ben. In — er — in Australia. Abel. Dear, dear. He'd be older than you, eh? Ben. Yes, five year. Abel. Ay, ay. Are you going to the funeral ? Ben. Oh, yes. Mrs. S. and Mrs. J. No, no. Ben. No, of course not. {He retires to the left.) Abel {rising). Well, I suppose you've only been waiting for me to begin tea. I'm feeling hungry. Mrs. S. {taking up the kettle). I'll make tea. Abel. Come along, now ; sit you down and let's be jolly. (Abel sits at the head of the table, facing spectator. Ben and Mrs. Jordan on the left. Victoria brings a chair and sits by Abel. Mrs. Slater and Henry sit on the right. Both the women are next to Abel.) Mrs. S. Henry, give grandpa some tongue. Abel. Thank you. I'll make a start. {He helps himself to bread and butter.) (Henry serves the tongue and Mrs. Slater pours out tea. Only Abel eats with any heartiness.) Ben. Glad to see you've got an appetite, Mr. Merryweather, although you've not been so well. Abel. Nothing serious. I've been lying down for a bit. Mrs. S. Been to sleep, grandfather ? Abel. No, I've not been to sleep. Mrs. S. and Henry. Oh ! Abel {eating and drinking). I can't exactly call 22 THE DEAR DEPARTED. everything to mind, but I remember I was a bit dazed, like. I couldn't move an inch, hand or foot. Ben. And could you see and hear, Mr. Merry- weather ? Abel. Yes, but I don't remember seeing any- thing particular. Mustard, Ben. (Ben passes the mustard.) Mrs. S. Of course not, grandfather. It was all your fancy. You must have been asleep. Abel {snappishly). I tell you I wasn't asleep, 'Meha. Damn it, I ought to know. Mrs. J. Didn't you see Henry or AmeHa come into the room ? Abel {scratching his head). Now let me think Mrs. S. I wouldn't press him, Ehzabeth. Don't press him. Henry. No. I wouldn't worry him. Abel {suddenly recollecting). Ay, begad! 'Melia and Henry, what the devil did you mean by shifting my bureau out of my bedroom ? (Henry and Mrs. Slater are speechless.) D'you hear me ? Henry ! 'Melia ! Mrs. J. What bureau was that, father ? Abel. Why, my bureau, the one I bought Mrs. J. {pointing to the bureau). Was it that one, father ? Abel. Ah, that's it. What's it doing here ? Eh? {A pause. The clock on the mantelpiece strikes six. Every one looks at it.) Drat me if that isn't my clock, too. What the devil's been going on in this house ? {A slight pause.) Ben. Well, I'h be hanged. Mrs. J. {rising). I'll tell you what's been going on in this house, father. Nothing short of robbery. THE DEAR DEPARTED. 23 Mrs. S. Be quiet, Elizabeth. Mrs. J. I'll not be quiet. Oh, I call it double- faced. Henry. Now, now, Elizabeth. Mrs. J. And you, too. Are you such a poor creature that you must do every dirty thing she tells you ? ]Mrs. S. {rising). Remember where you are, Elizabeth. Henry {rising). Come, come. No quarrelling. Ben {rising). My wife's every right to speak her own mind. Mrs. S. Then she can speak it outside, not here. x^BEL {rising). {Thumping the table.) Damn it all, will some one tell me what's been going on. Mrs. J. Yes, I will. I'll not see you robbed. Abel. Who's been robbing me ? Mrs. J. Amelia and Henry. They've stolen your clock and bureau. {Working herself up.) They sneaked into your room like a thief in the night and stole them after you were dead. Henry and Mrs. S. Hush ! Qaiet, Ehzabeth ! Mrs. J. I'll not be stopped. After you were dead, I say. Abel. After who was dead ? Mrs. J. You. Abel. But I'm not dead. Mrs. J. No, but they thought you were. {A pause. Abel gazes round at them.) Abel. Oho ! So that's why you're all in black to-day. You thought I was dead. {He chuckles.) That was a big mistake. {He sits and resum s his tea.) Mrs. S. {sobbing.) Grandfather. Abel. It didn't take you long to start dividing my things between you. Mrs. J. No, father; you mustn't think that. 24 THE DEAR DEPARTED, Amelia was simply getting hold of them on her own account. Abel. You always were a keen one, AmeUa. I suppose you thought the will wasn't fair. Henry. Did you make a will ? Abel. Yes, it was locked up in the bureau. Mrs. J. And what was in it, father ? Abel. That doesn't matter now. I'm thinking of destroying it and making another. Mrs. S. {sobbing). Grandfather, you'll not be hard on me. Abel. I'll trouble you for another cup of tea, 'Melia ; two lumps and plenty of milk. Mrs. S. With pleasure, grandfather. (5//^ pours out the tea.) Abel. I don't want to be hard on any one. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Since your mother died, I've lived part of the time with you, 'Melia, and part with you, Lizzie. Well, I shall make a new will, leaving all my bits of things to whoever I'm living with when I die. How does that strike you? Henry. It's a bit of a lottery, like. Mrs. J. x\nd who do you intend to live with from now ? Abel {drinking his tea). I'm just coming to that. Mrs. J. You know, father, it's quite time you came to live with us again. We'd make you very comfortable. Mrs. S. No, he's not been with us as long as he was with you. Mrs. J. I may be wrong, but I don't think father will fancy living on with you after what's happened to-day. Abel. So you"d like to have me again, Lizzie ? Mrs. J. You know we're ready for you to make your home with us for as long as you please. Abel. What do you say to that, 'MeHa ? Mrs. S. All I can say is that Elizabeth's changed THE DEAR DEPARTED. 25 her mind in the last two years. (Rising.) Grand- father, do you know what the quarrel between us was about ? Mrs. J. Amelia, don't be a fool; sit down. Mrs. S. No, if I'm not to have him, you shan't either. We quarrelled because Elizabeth said she wouldn't take you off our hands at any price. She said she'd had enough of you to last a life-time, and we'd got to keep you. Abel. It seems to me that neither of you has any cause to feel proud about the way you've treated me. Mrs. S. If I've done anything wrong, I'm sure I'm sorry for it. Mrs. J. x\nd I can't say more than that, too. Abel. It's a bit late to say it, now. You neither of you cared to put up with me. Mrs. S. and Mrs. J. No, no, grandfather. Abel, x^y, you both say that because of what I've told you about leaving my money. Well, since you don't want me I'll go to some one that does. Ben. Come, Mr. Merryweather, you've got to live with one of your daughters. Abel. I'll tell you what I've got to do. On Monday next I've got to do three things. I've got to go to the lawyer's and alter my will ; and I've got to go to the insurance ofhce and pay my premium ; and I've got to go to St. Phihps's Church and get married. Ben and Henry. What ! Mrs. J. Get married ! Mrs. S. He's out of his senses. (General consternation.) Abel. I say I'm going to get married. Mrs. S. Who to ? Abel. To Mrs. John Shorrocks who keeps the Ring-o' -Bells. We've had it fixed up a good while now, but I was keeping it for a pleasant surprise 20 THE DEAR DEPARTED. {He rises.) I felt I was a bit of a burden to you, so I found some one who'd think it a pleasure to look after me. We shall be very glad to see you at the ceremony. (He gets to the doov.) Till Monday, then. Twelve o'clock at St. Phihps's Church. [Opening the door.) It's a good thing you brought that bureau downstairs, 'Melia. It'll be handier to carry across to the Ring-o' -Bells on Monday. {He goes out.) (The Curtain falls.) Ji ' ' o Tannbu THE PLAYS OF R. C. CARTON. IS. 6d. each. LADY HUNTIVORIWS EXPERIMENT. LIBERTY HALL. MR. HOPKINSON. SUNLIGHT AND SHADOW. THE PLAYS OF H. V. ESMOhW. IS. 6d. each. BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. ONE SUMMER'S DA Y. WHEN WE WERE I WEN TV-ONE. WILDERNESS, THE PLAYS OF MADELEINE LUCETTE RYLEY. 13. 6d. each. AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. /EDS UR Y JUNIOR. MICE AND MEN. THE PLAYS OF OSCAR WILDE. IS 6d. each. IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST. LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN. LONDON: SAMUEL FRENCH, LIMITED. THE PLAYS OF C. HAD DON CHAMBERS IS. 6J each. THE AWAKENING. CAPTAIN SWIFT. THE IDLER. SIR ANTHONY. TYRANNY OF I EARS. THE PL A YS OF MARK AMBIENT. IS. 6d. each. OH, SUSANNAH! SNUG LTl ILE KINGDOM. THE FLA YS OF ARTHUR LA ]V, IS. 6d. each. COUNTRY MOUSE. NEW BOY. THE PLAYS OF JEROME K. JEROME. IS. 6d. each. '^ MISS HOBBS. WOODBARROW FARM, BY ANTHONY HOPE. PILKERTONS PEERAGE. ■ / LONDON: SAMUEl FRENCH, LIMllEU One copy del. to Cat. Div. ^r% z^ 1%}^.. THE PLAYS OF C. H ADDON CHAMBERS IS. 6d each. 7 HE AWAKENING, CAPTAIN SWIFT. THE IDLER. SIR ANTHONY. TYRANNY OF I EARS. THE PL A YS OF MARK AMBIENT. IS. 6d. each. OH, SUSANNAH/ SNUG LIl ILE KINGDOM. THE PLA YS OF ARTHUR LA JV. IS. 6d. each. COUNTRY MOUSE. NEW BOY. THE PLAYS OF JEROME K. JEROME. IS. 6J. each. "" MISS HOBBS. WOODBARROW FARM. BY ANTHONY HOPE. PILk'ERTONS PEERAGE. LONDON: SAM U El FR DltlLlHril^G XIOOIMI. Only Kept in the laige ^ize, th« baclj scene is 13 fe^-t long and 9 feet high and ex- tends with the Wings and Bordeib to 20 feet long and Hi feet high In the centre is a French window, leading down to the ground, On the left wing is a fireplace with mirror above, and on the right wing is an oil painting. The whole scene is tastefully ornamented and beautifully coloured, forming a most elegant picture. The above is a representation of a box scene consisting of 38 sheets of paper, the extra sheets being used for the doors each side. £ s. d. Back Scene, Border, and 1 Set of Wings, unmounted ~. ..200 Ditto, mounted 4 4 Back Scene, Border, with 2 Sets of Wings as above to form Box Scene, unmounted ... 2 10 Ditto, mounted ... ... ... 5 5 Ihis IS also Kept in the large size only. In the centre is a door lading outside. On the left centre is a rustic fireplace, and the right centre is a window. On th* Wings are painted shelves, Ac, to complete the scene. The above is a represen- ifttion of this scene with 1 set of Wings only (not a Box Scene), but a Box Scene !an be made by purchasing the extra set of Wings. Prices and siie same as rawing Room Scene above FRENCH'S ACTING EDITIO^ 1236 2287 2238 2239 2241) 2241 2242 2213 2244 ^ ;245 2246 2247 2243 2249 22&0 VOLUME 150 The Dentist Taken for Granted Just as Well Hogmany Pansy A Doctor's Engage- ments A Duet My Milliner's Bill, Is. My Aunt from Cali- fornia His Life for Hers The Meeting The Umbrella Duologue The Late Lamented Woman Triumphant Angelina's Lover VOLUME 151 2251 Chrysanthemums 2252 My Rrst Client 2253 Punctured 2254 Old Pals 2265 Honeymoon Tragedy 2256 Commission 2257 Hal, the Highwayman 2268 Dinner for Two 2259 Ninth Waltz 2260 Human Sport 2261 Collaborators 2262 Mere Man 2263 Packing Up 2264 Paying Guest 2265 'Enery Brown VOLUME 162 226(1 The JUt 2267 'Op-o'-Me-Thumb 2268 A Marriage Has Been Arranged 2269 Carrots 2270 Conversion of Nat Sturge 22"^ CIeri( 22'i'2 Aubr 2273 Work 2274 Twi 2275 Bridt ^ ^^ . 2276 That 014 678 240 1 2277 Well iviatcaea 2278 Maker of Men 2279 Gutter of Time 2280 Game of Chess 'iiWd Kjection Lucinda 2310 Uncle Dick's VOLUME 153 2281 Mr. Steinmaiin'* Comer 2282 Ella's Apology 2283 Colour Sergeant 2284 Helpless Couple 2285 First Aid to the Wounded 2286 Correct Thing 2287 Their New Paying Guest 2288 Domestic Entangle- ment 2289 Salt of Life 2290 Tims is Money 2291 Wally and the Widow 2292 Deceitful Miss Smiths 2'93 Holly Tree Inn 2294 Up-to-date 2295 Bit of Old Chelsea VOLUME 154 of the 2296 Wrong Side Koad 2297 The Open Door 2298 Prima Donna (Pem- berton) 2299 Lights Out (Pemberton) 2300 Mirror of Time 2301 Three Blind Mice (Muskerry) 2302 Privy Council 2303 Snowed up with a Duchess VOLUME 7 2311 That Horrid: 2312 Bardwell v. I#^ 2313 House of Nigriw..fe- 2314 Turtle Doves [der 2315 Superior Miss Pellen- 2316 His Good Genius 2317 Martha Plays the Fairy 2318 Dumb Cake 2319 Proposing by Proxy 2320 Phonnix 2321 Boatswain's Mate 2322 Filial Rehearsal 2323 Two Aunts at a Time 2324 Nelson Touch 2325 Convict on the Hearth VOLUME 156 2326 Grey Parrot 2327 Ghostof Jerry Buiidler 2328 Bishop's Candlesticks 2329 Peacemaker 2330 Changeling 2331 Wire Entanglement 2332 Pride of Regiment 2333 "1588" 2334 Man on the Kerb 2335 O'Dowd 2336 Impertinence of tl; Creature 2337 Dramatist at Home 2338 Martha the Sootlis ve 2339 Old Martha Is. 2340 All Through Martha 1- AN AMERICAN CITIZEN BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR BRACE OF PARTRIDGES BRIXTON BURGLARY CAPTAIN SWIFT OASSILIS ENGAGEMENT CHARITY THAT BEGAN AT HOME COUNTRY MOUSE DR. WAKE'S PATIENT FACING THE MUSIC FASCINATING MR. VAN- DERVELDT IDLER. IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST IN CHANCERY JEDBURY JUNIOR BARRIER BUILDER OF BRIDGES CAVE OF ILLUSION DANCING GIRL HYPOCRITES JOSEPH ENTANGLED Is. 6d. net Edition LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN LIBERTY HALL LUCKY MISS DEAN MARRIAGE OF KITTY MICE AND MEN MISS ELIZABETH'S PRISONER MISS HOBBS MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN MR. HOPKINSON NEW BOY NIOBE OH! SUSANNAH! ONE SUMMER'S DAY PARVENU \ PASSPORT PERFECT LOVER PETER'S MOTHER PILKBRTON'S PEER AG PRIVATE SECRETARY I RETURN OF THE PR(I DIGAL ROCKET (PO: SNUG LITTLE KIN(| SQUIRE SUNLIGHT & SHADOW TWO MR. VVETHERBYS WALKER. LONDON WHEN WE WERE TWENTY. ONE WILDERNESS WISDOM OF FOLLV WOODBARROW FARM 2s. 6d. net Library Edition JOHN GLAYDB'S HONOUR MANCEUVRES OF JANE MASQUKRADERS MIDDLEMAN MOLLBNTRAVB ON WOMEN MRS. DANE'S DBFENCll PBRFICT LOVER SILVER KING WALLS OP JERICHO