iliii PS 3545 .IG57 W5 1922 <5> « 0* ,»-^'. ^^ ^^0^ .^ ^; O* - „ o ^ • A". '*j- ^.i-^ -'^l^'- ■% A* .• \(^^^g^.X5}^>^- The Woodsfield Ptihlist.lng Co. Print w. E. wms Copyrighted 1922 The 13th of January 1857 was a day never to be for- gotten by those who are living today, not an automobile to be seen on the streets anywhere, nor a bicycle, the tele- phones were not working, nor the wireless telegrapy, not even a daily newspaper was printed that day in Wheel- ing, W. Va. You ask why? Well, I was born that day, I arrived here at noon, wliile the clock was striking the hour of 12. Since my arrival, we are now having all of these things we did not have before. I am safe in saying you will not find one person who will give me the credit such is the life of greatness, perhaps in the later on, I shall be recognized, so I have carefuly prepared this little book to perpetuate my name, in which I hope you who read may find some enjoyment. We should each of us strive to leave something worth while, telling the world we have been here, and made ourselves known that we were, and made a track in the sands of time. We cannot all be Statesmen, Ministers, Orators, Mechanics, but we have in each of us something we can cultivate and develope that the other fellow has not. There are other poets besides me. Skakespere, Longfellow, Guest, Vv^alt Mason and a host of others, but you would never have heard of them if they had written poems and not had them printed, so that is why I am doing the same thing. If you find after reading them things you don't like, sit down and write something better. Anyway I think you will find it worth the price and fit to grace your center table or library. Yours truly, WM. E. WIMS. ©C1A691880 DEC >8 1922 THE DOCTOR'S DREAM. Last evening I was talking With a doctor aged and gray, Who told me of a dream he had, I think 'twas Christmas day. While snoozing in his office The vision came to view, For he saw an angel enter, Dressed in garments white and new. Said the angel: "I'm from heaven; The Lord just sent me down To bring you up to glory And to put on your golden crown. You've been a friend to every one And worked hard night and day; You have supported many thousand. And from few received your pay. So we want you u,p in glory, For you have labored hard. And the good Lord is preparing Your eternal just reward." Then the doctor and the angel Started up to glory's gate, But when passing close too Hades, The angel murmured, "Wait!" "I have a place to show you — It's the hottest place in H , Where the ones that never paid you In torment always dwell." And behold! the doctor saw there His old customers by the score, And grabbing up a chair and fan, He wished for nothing more. But was bound to sit and watch them As they'd sizzle, singe and burn. And his eyes would rest on debtors Whichever way they'd turn. Said the angel, "Come on, doctor; There's the pearly gates to see." But the doctor only muttered, "This is heaven enough for me." m CUT OUT YOUR CUTOUT. Cut out your cutout while going thru town, Why make such a racket, boys ? Don't show off, we know you're aj-ound, Why make such aracl-c^K^tapB ?K>0»S€. Some folks may be sick, for all you know Whose nerves may be shocked by the blare, Have a thought for suffering mankind; Have a care, my boy, have a care. I rem.ember one tim.e, a dear friend of mine Was down sick in bed with the "Flu; We all did our best to let him have rest; He grew worse 'spite of all we could do. I put up a sign to have motors go slow Their speed would almost take your breath Going that route they'd cut in their Cutout, — I believe that it caused my friend's death. Have a care for the children, you Cutout fools. Don't brag how fast you can go. Always take your time while passing the schools, Take your time, my boy, di'ive slow, Many a death has been caused by your fault, Many an accident claim.ed. Many a sorrowful home has been made. On your carelessness blamed. The Motorcycle Cop will get you, He sure has a right to because. Going thru town at a breakneck speed, You know you are breaking the laws. Road these few lines, and believe me, I know what I'm talking about, If you have speed thirst, play safety first; Cut out your Cutout, cut-er-out. To you I send a friendly greet, A Merry Christmas cheer. You wish the same to those you meet, And a Happy New Year. THE NARROW GAUGE I've traveled on the Narrow Gauge from Zanesville to Bellaire; Stopped off at evefy station, to drive away dull care, By giving exhibitions to the short, fat, lean and tall, And charging small admissions — so I would get them all I've enjoyed the conversations, I have heard upon the train. By the people I have met, and I expect to meet again — Because they are not offish, and stuck up like some 1 know. Who are mighty small potatoes, and darn few in a row. Just because our road is narrow, and some engines on the bum, (I am talking to the travelin;^ men, who make all kinds of fun About our little railroad). We don't like that kind of talk. If trains don't run to suit you, why git right out and walk. Take your baggage with you, and stop just where you please; The walking is not crowded, so you can take your ease. Be careful crossing trestles Or you might fall through and bust Follow those two streaks of rust, and see who gets there first. Of course I am not boasting, but I'll say this to you. For accidents on railroads, we have but very few; Because our men are careful. They attend to business fine. And when we buy our tickets, we get back to home on — sometime. Now folks don't damn and cuss this road, you've tried the B. & O. There are other roads that's just as bad. I've traveled some — I know, Did you ever ride the Cotton Belt? Go try it for awhile, For wrecks and rotten service, they have got us skinned a mile. Their roadbed is so crooked, that our Narrow Gauge is straight, They never had a train on time. In fact they're always late. 6 Their ofiicial.s act peculiar, but' it's laziness I fear, When you want to stop at any place, you wake the engineer. They don't collect your tickets, you know that's hard to beat. They tell you when you buy one, just leave it on the seat. They do not like to bother onj; with trouble they i vex us. Some day ride on the Cotton Belt. You'll find it down in Texas. I'm going to lay all jokes aside, and tell you on the square, I would rather ride on the Narrow Gauge, v.hen going anywhere Than any road I ever rode, for having lots of fun. In 1: earing jokes and stories, if the road is on the bum. I don't nind the shaking up, when going round the curves, Through the tunnels in and out, that grate on people's nerves. How well I know these other roads, north, east, south and west. The Ohio River and Western is the road I love the best. You wonder why I talk that way, the truth is very .plain. • This road takes me from my home, and brings me back a?ain. WIMS' WHIMwS Success is a n-;atter of habitual coincentration upon higher ideals. You are what you set out to be. The things you read and talk about today and the thoughts you .think today are a forecast of what you shall become. You learn that you are a composite of the things you have said, the thoughts you have nurtured, the company you have kept and the habits you have pursued. You learn that suc- cess lies within yourself — in your brain, your ambition and your determination— and that difficulties and hard exper- ience are not to be dodged, but met with courage, that they may be turned into future capital. IMMORTALITY What has the future in store for me, 'Gould I but look beyond, Would I be pleased with what I'd see, Could I but look beyond? Nature, no doubt, planned it so, That we should live, and never know, The sickness, sorrow, joy and woe, In store for us, beyond. Enjoy this life in a Christian way. Don't worry about the future. All will be well, let come what may. Don't worry about the future. At times we think we ought to know. For what we came and why we 1^hv;Q^O. Just live your life, not fast, but slow; ^ Don't worry about the future. It was not wc tl.at made the plan, To inhabit a world, with mortal man, And have hi»i live from day to day. On food, water and air, to nourish clay, And give him brain and eyes t« see. The way to go and where to be. Or what to do while living here, Then promise I.im life beyond this sphere. Yet, some will say, that is all a lie, Beyond this vale of tears. And if it's true, why should we die, After living here for years, I saw one time a hideous worm, It was crawling on the ground No eyes to see, no ears to learn, Of things by sight or sound. I saw that creature in the fall. When life for it had fled, Wrapped with care in a little roll, A co-coon coffin for its bed, A tangled web was the winding sheet. Its funeral had been complete, All thru the winV • its body lay. Dead to the v.;' like human clay. 8 I saw that creature again in the Spring, Each side of its body had grown a wing, Had eyes and ears, 1 saw them plain. From that dead worm a butterfly came. It flew on my check then on my hand, Thrilling my soul with a feeling grand. I thought, Oh God, if this is your plan, I've no cause to worry far being a Man. WIM'S WHIMS SMILE. "Put into constant practice the principle that every person who leaves you shall do so with a smile on his face, reflecting your own, or with a smile in his heart. Do this and folks will welcome your coming. Disregard it and they will fight shy of you." Not only for our own sakes, but for the sake af those about us, we must learn the joy and youth-reviving nature of laughter, the real value of a happy cl'.uckle and the soul-satisfyinng quality of the indi- vidual who can smile happily and leave you with a SMILE! OH LORD, help us to play the MAN, help us to perform the coucerns of life with laughter and kind faces, let cheer- fulness abound with industry. Smile, and the world h your friend, A Grouch, and you live alone. While out enjoying an evening of pleasure, Leave all your troubles at home. (Wims) After walking around the town today I sat down on an old box to rest a while. When I got up to go home I tore my pants on a nail, so I went to a tailor to have them repaired, but he wanted to charge me 75 cents, but I went to the Pleasant Hour theatre, and I saw a sign out front, "Good seats for 35 cents." When a man is in trouble he will then realize the ad- vantage of a good wife. He can put everything in her name. HELLO, MR. GROUCH When you got up this morning, have you ever heard it said That you sure made a big mistake in getting out of bed ? All day long you had a grouch, with no matter what you tried. So watch yourself tomorrow, gel out the other side. Isn't that an awful feeling for any man to own, Always kicking with his family; they dread to have him home. The children run and hide, and mother starts to frown; The house is in an uproar when father comes from town. The meals don't satisfy him, an I as he grabs his hat He gives the dog a friendly kick, and kindly slaps the cat. He never asks about the kids, nor kisses wife goodbye, But they're g ad to see him going, and they never ask him why. Let me give you wives a pointer if you have a dub like that Go to him good and plenty, let him know the stubborn fact. He's forgot the days of courting when he called you angel, too, If you'd only say you loved him, all the things he'd do for you. Now's the time to slip it to him, that if he's forgot, "you ain't." You've tried so hard to please him, for you thought he was saint, As he placed his arms around you, hugged you up and called you dear. Now you have a lot of children and he's always acting queer. Now listen, little wifey, did you ever know a man That ever acted that way, that amounted to a — clam. He's got a streak of yaller, like a derned old measly houn'. Here's a way to fix'em, get a club an' knock 'em down. Some people must grow hair on their teeth. I saw a sign in a drug store window today, "Fine tooth combs for sale." 10 A COWBOY MORALIZES. I ain't no hand at pious talk, ain't got the gift o' gab Toned dawn to suitable degree fur heavenly confab, An' mebbe my i-dees ain't jest accordin' to the card C Christian argyment, but I'll express 'em, jest as hard!' I never saw a prayin' man behind a graveyard face But what I thought was wastm' time before the Throne o^ Grace; A leanin' of hopes upon a mighty shaky staff — God has no use for any man too holy fur to laugh. I went to church up tliere in town an' saw the parson's face- Drawned out so long I wondered how he'd git it back in place, An' every word that got away from out his talkin' works' Come like a squall in winter time — by freezy fits and jerks; An' while a-settin in the hail o' icy talk he split, A-sockin' in the frozen knife o' warnin' to the liilt, I got to wo^ndera' what sort o' heaven the place must be With iceberg leaders sick as he a-holdin' of the key. I heard a trav'Iin preacher once talk fur a little spell To quite a crowd o' cowboys bunched inside an ol' corral. An' tell 'em 'bout the trail that leads up to the range above An' how the Foreman in the skies was jest a fount o' love. He smiled all through hii^ gospel ta'k, an' every rider felt A sort o' inward hankerirs' to play the hand he dealt, An' when he took 'em by the fmnd to say goodbye, his smile Jest seemed to wann to life the seeds he'd sowed in sinfu! sile. The parson that discourages with a cold, frost-bitten- tongue An' wears a drawned-out face like he was goin' to be hung Whose words are Just like icicles a-drappin' from a tree, Ain't never goin' to get the great sah'ation rope on me. When I am tallied fur the range up in the promised land I want to see the preacher smile while burnin' in the brand; Ain't got no use fur one that tlaks a dead-o'-winter creed. That makes a feller feel like he's been eatin' loco weed. As I obsein^ed, I ain't no hand at slingin' pious talk. n JBut when I see a bog ahead, I know enough to balk, An' when a preacher makes a talk about the crop we'll reap, I do jest like hLs brethem do— doze off an' go to sleep. I know the master up above hain't got a bit o' use Fur them that preaches gospel words all diped in lemon juice, But he loves the man with cTieery soul that ever keeps in placB A smile that bubbles from his heart an' overflows his face. WINTER How T hate the gol darn winter With its cold and blustery days> The weather down to zero; Not a window can you raise. All the doors are hard to open, Have to use a hammer aftd saw. ISJail a cleat on later When we IravQ another thaw. Ain't it tough to see your woolpile Growing smaller every hour. If you could be a Magician, Work a little magic pow€r> Or like Alladin with his lamp When the gas is Itinda loW> You could authorize a change And have things thus and so, Stead a haven em like it is. Din't seem hardly fair While we are playing freeze ont To charge so much for air That ain't got no more heat Tlian some folks' hearts I know. I ain't maken no bones about it, You tell em I said so. 12 A GRAVE STORY. One Sunday morning two boys on pleasure bent, One white, the other black, awalnuting went. When they came to the ti'ees where the walnuts grew, After hulling them out they had qUitft a few. But to get them home from where they were. Said Jimmy to Joe, "Well now, I declare. We never thought to bring a basket or sack, And its most too far for us to go back." Said Joe, "I have it, here's what we can do," And he started to draw a string from each shoe, And he tied them around each leg of his pants. Said Jimmy, "that's good," for he saw at a p'ance They could carry them home and not lose a one, Besides, for two boys it would be jolly fun. They worked a long tim.e before they were thru; The walking was awful, the best they could do. They came to a graveyard whe-i Joe said to Jim, "My father's a preacher I'm sure 'fraid of him; He'll miss me today in his Sunday School class; Climb over that fence, we'll hide 'em in the gra s. We'll divide 'em up even, each one take his share. And no one will know our walnuts are there. Come back tomorrow with my little dog cart. And pack 'em back home before it gets dark." While climbing the fence they dropped two from the pile. ".Never mind, Jimmy, we get dem after while; You take that one, this one is mine " They divided them all, just one at a tim.e. An old Colored ■HBBlman, passing that way Was very much urprised when he heard a voice say, "You take that one, this one is mine; There's a nice black one, that makes forty nine. The old man started for his home on the run. He thought sure the day of judgment had come. At the foot of the hill lived a white, Mr. Blout. Called the negro, all excited, "Won't you please come out" 13 ■"What' the matter, Unde Eph, you are all out of breathj Has some one been hurt, wJiat'r, wrong with yourself?" <0h please, Mr. Blout, at de graveyard," he said. The debbil and de Lord, are dividin' de dead." *'No no. Uncle Eph, this sure cannot be," ■"Yes tis. White Man, come go along with me" Jimmy and Joe, still counting their find, Up the road walked tTie White Man, the Negro behind. Said Joe to Jimmy, "when we climbed dat stonewall, Don't forget, you let two of dem Walnuts fall You take that one, this one is mine There's a nice big one, four hundred an nine," The White Man and Negro, by this time weTe there They heard tlie boys counting, each taking his share, You take that one, this one is mine. There's a nice round one, Lebben eighty nine, I guess we're all thru, with an equal divide. After gitten dem two, what's on the outside. "My Lord." Yelled the Negro, and he out a groan, But the Wliite Man, beat him, in the race for home. When I awoke this morning, after a night of trying to sleep. I felt a chill in place of warmth, over my body creep, My room was like an ice house, iMy windows frosted o'er. The water in my pitcher froze, I couldn't get any- more. No water in the bath room. No water in the tank. Tliere was water in the cistern, But I could not turn the crank. So I took my frozen pitcher and I started for the well. I found the bucked busted, and I could not get a smel. What shall I do for water. I must wash before I ©a';. I struck :a ,m:atch to light Ithe igasr, and' found jt awful weak. I amsurely up against it, the ice I cannot thaw. Of all the rotten winters, This is the worst I ever saw. They talked on prohibition. Till they took away our booze. They shut the gas and water off, then raised the price of shoes. I wonder what they will do next, my brain is on a strain. I guess I'll have to wait until it all comes right again. 14 WASH DAY "I want you to go to the butchers, John for a boiling piece o'meat; Go right now and don't stay long, if you want anything to eat, Because I am going to wash today, the weather looks so fine, Now hurry back, mind what I say, you'll have to put up the line. I want you to do the wringing, when I get them thru the suds, And drench them in the blueing, it's good for the dirty duds. Before you go, get out the machine, and put the biler on, Be sure there's plenty of gasoline, better get some while you're gone." "Now John,go on, and don't sty long, because it's growing late, I should have been at it hours ago, the clock is striking eight. Come right back, don't stand and talk, just like you al- ways do. There's a funeral on this afternoon, I am anxious to get thru, There comes aunt Jane Ridley, why don't she stay at home? Hurry Join, when I wash Monday, I would rather be alone. She makes me tired talking about things I never learned, And then she's always gawking, in things she's not con- cerned." "Howdy, Jane, I'm glad you came, I thought you moved away. Take off your things, give me your cane; I'm going to wash today ; I'm kinda late, you see I am, but you know how that goes. With an ornery good for nothing man, a helpin' with the clothes, He's at the store, for boiling meat; how's your brother Bob? I saw him yesterday on the street, was he looking for a job? 15 Whatever became of Spindle Shank? He had only one limb, Wasn't he the darnest crank? I was always afi-aid of him. Then there was B!inkey Glessor, the man with the high black hat, We called him the professor, a kind of a college chap, Schemed very hard to get him, I did; but he had no use for me, Take off your things aunt Rid; I want you to stay for tea. Now don't be in a hurry, because I'll soon be thru, I wish that man would hurry, the clock is striking two, I'm a\vful glad you come, aunt Jane; it helps me in my sorrow, Too late now, it looks like rain, I guess I'll wash tomorrow A PRAYER HYINLN Oh, God in Heaven, make me pure within. Oh, God in Heaven, cleanse my soulfrom sin, Make me clean and holy, make my future bright, So by my example others may live right. I'm weak and lonely, longing for Thy love, Jesus, the mighty, feed me from above With food af angels, seasoned by Thy grace. Be my guide and counsel, let me see Thy face. When life is over and my work is done, Be Thou my savior, take me to Thy home. Where the holy angels praise Thee all day long. May my soul be happy, mingling with the throng. A DAILY PRAYER. God bless me, make me pure within. Cleanse my body of every sin. Where I am weak make me strong, Make the rest of my life one glad, sweet song. HAND IT TO THJEM NOW They never know how great we are, 'till after we are dead. How generous with their flowers, piled up around our head. With letters on our tombstone, telling folks who never knew, The times of our living here, are valued good and true; Why is it people wait 'till we're laid beneath the sod, To talk about the benefit we were to world and God? It never does a bit of good to people in the ground, To tell them of their virtues when they never hear a sound. Why not slip it to them while they're here upon the earth Let them know if you appreciate the value of their worth It will be some satisfaction, anyway before tkey die, To know the world will miss them when they have to say good-bye. Don't wait until it's over and the pastor's had his say About the weary traveler, who must now be on his way To glory or perdition, either way he can't return, To know of his condition, he can never live and learn. Let's give to him the knowledge, and take him by the hand, Bestow a hearty welcome so that he will understand, We appreciate his efforts, and the world has had a gain. And God will not forget him, he has not lived in vain. Don't be selfish in your nature, honor to whom honor's due They deserve the praise we give them for their work so good and true. Let them know they're not forgotten, e're Death has palod their brow, Don't wait 'till it's too late, tut hand it to them NOW! WIM'S WHIMS When clothing the body with fine apparel, let not the mind wear the rags of ignorance. 17 THE WiOODSFIELD DIRECTORY I would rather live in Woodsfield Than any town I know, Where there in a good field, To have young people grow With schools and churches and two good banks, Three thousand people, with very few cranks. Two weekly papers, another one twice Plenty of lawyers that give good advice, A list of fine doctors, whenever we're sick. Two good hotels. Stucco and a brick, Other places where room and board can be found If you want to stay awhi e, and kinda look around. We have the best dentists, in the North or the South That make their own living, from hand to mouth. Three drug stores, with a line of good dope. Barbers that handle the best shaving soap, Masons and Eagles, and the Maccabees, Eastern Star, Odd Fellows, and a lodge of K. P.'s Three hardware and two furniture stores. They will furnish your homes with carpeted floors. Three restaurants, two on the Main street, They will give you the best in the market to eat, Two good plumbers and three butcher shops, That will doctor j'our pipes and sell you pork chops. Millinery stores Vv^ith ladies fine hats. And some other stores for the buying of wraps. Stenography girls regardless of youth Will do all your work with typewritten truth. Garages a plenty for automobiles, And stores that sell shoes, besides the two Diehls, Tailors make clothes for the arms and the legs, A Taylor near the depot, that buys and sells eggs. Two shops for repairing, and pressing your clothes, And three other places for mending your shoes, Two places open for selling near beer. Where billiard and pool can be played in the rear, Tf you wish good jewelry, C. L. Mellott Or the one across the street, who is Harry L. Bott, You can have your eyes tested, to have them just right For some people's o,T5tics are bum in the sight, ]\Tilligan, Bertram, and others for gum, Two flouring mills, one by Archer and Son, 18 Insurance agents, a Building and Loan, By saving your money you soon have a home, Real estate agents, Buckio and McCurdy, Both of these gentlemen you'll find very sturdy Grocery stores that are all up to date. One of them was run on the co-operate, A fine baker shop, his flour vv^ell screened, Where everything handled is spotlessly cleaned. You can go to the movies, on every week night The manager will treat you all right, Jim Masters the marshal, and Taylor the mayor. Each of these officers are always there. We have a railroad that is crooked and thin Does pretty good for the condition it's in, A fine post office, for handling the mail From the rear of this building you can see the jail, Bert Williams sells music for the sick or the well Jim Bishop grows flowers that are there with the smell, Our country fo'ks happy while tilling the soil. And leasing some land for the boring for oil. Some of our people in wells have done fine Among them my friend, Mr Aaron Goldstein, We've a telephone .plant, to call up your friends, Mike and Dave Schahet, who gathers up odds and ends, We have a town clock, now and then slips a notch. That was built for poor people, that can't buy a watch, We have as fine women, both single and married, As any other town in the state, ever carried. Tobacco to be tied, and a Cigar Plant, Haberdashery clothing to beat them you can't, A department store, when the farmers come in They always remember to call and see Jim, Auto agents, who tell you how every one feels When they buy the best car ever run on four wheels. Our water is the finest that you eve^- drank. Our cisterns are filtered we draw it with a crank. Our city water works, are built out of town, The water is clear, when it ain't brown. Our electric light system is a little lame — John is a friend of mine, he's not to blame, We have natural gas, at times it's all right, One time this winter, it was clear out of sight, We have our grafters, like any other town. In the hotel lobbies, they arc generally found. 19 To them there is nothing new under the sun, Then I knew it would happen before it begun, In a year from now, if we have good luck, We will have fine roads for Bus or Truck. When the war broke out, we did our bit, We sent boys to France, that turned out to be IT, Bought Liberty Bonds and War Saving Stamps And everything else, and we looked for the chance To win the World War, was out great aim, God bless the Red Cross, for she played a good game, A health officer and nurses, come handy when sick. If there is any hope, you get well very quick. Our creamery butter, is the best in the land, They also have ice for the summer on hand, John Burgbacher's lumber, can always be bought. If you want to build a house or a barn on your lot, Three blacksmiths, will satisfy you, If it's a wagon too fix or a horse needs a shoe. Rig builders, tool dressers, and others are found For your $3.00 oil, when it comes from the ground, Two Oil Well Supplies, and two livery barns. Babe Turner mends harness, for the city or farms, Raymond Morris takes pictures, for you now and then. If you want something cheap, go to our Five and Ten, We have carpenters, plasterers, and others to date. When you wish a job done, why you don't have to wait, We have a Tool Company, that has a good plan. For furnishing work for the laboring man. Have you seen the Court House, where they do county biz, That costs us some dough, to put her where she is. We have our Town Council, our Judges and Clerks, The Sheriff and Surveyor, takes in the whole works, When your bones all ache, and your brain in a stupor, Take my advice, call in Doctor Cooper. When life is all over, and you bid us adieu, Two undertakers will look after you. And when you are buried, the relations you had. Will call on the Menkels to furnish the slab. If I have missed any one, please notify ME, I live on High Street, ah, hundred and three. It takes a powerful memory to remember all you say, if you talk much. 20 GOODBYE HORSE, IN MOTOR AGE. In the circus of the future, with their animals on display, There will be some different curios than what we have today, Of course they'll have the Elephant, and all those kind of things. The ones that act will do their stunts out in the circus rings They'll have the Zebra with his stripes, the seals will bal- ance balls. You'll see the Monkeys doing tricks and hear Hyena squalls The Clowns will still be with us, as a matter of course. But the gheatest Curiosity will be the poor old Horse. They'll stand and stare at the tall Giraffe, some will say, "Oh, my," But he don't mind the cost of living 'cause his food is always high. The Dogs will please the children as they did when called a pup. Do summersaults with their hind legs when you hold the fronts up. They'll romp and scamper around like when you and I were young. The boys and girls will all be there to take part in the fun. Then a m.an will stand upon a box and yell with all his might, "Nov." friends, with your attention you will see a wondrous sight. Here we have a quadru,pcd, his like in days gone by People used upon the streets before machines began to fly. The country people used kim for their work upon the farm, Children rode upon his back, he did nobody harm. He'd work all day and som.e times night, in sunshine and in rain. It made no difference, sick or Wr'll, he never would complain He lived on corn, oats and hay and grass from pastures green. Some were treated awful nice, and others mighty mean. Some were owned by rich folks , some others owned by poor. Some were owned by peddlers, selling goods from door to door. ^ SI iSome were driven in sulkys, as they raced around a track, Some were stolen by horse thieves who never brought them back, Some were used for street cars, sometimes they used a mule, A lot of them woi-ked in livery barns, driven by many a fool, A good old faithful animal, he was everybody's slave, He'd run quickly for the doctor, then slowly to the grave. He was always a great companion, just as you see him now. With a leg on every corner, just the same as any cow. But time has placed him in the fast, his race is almost run, He's had his ups and downs in life, made a living for many one. He's been in war as well as peace, at times his chance was slim. He'd drive by almost any name, it m.ade no difference to him. They made a harness for his back, the cowboys used a saddle. Sometimes they'd capture a wild one and he'd make them skeedaddle. 'Twas fun to watch 'em way out west, tryin' to ride the beast, They often had a gala day with a tenderfoot from the East Sometimes they had a college chap, on vacation from school, Who knew all about the game, could ride any hore or mule, Then was when the fun commenced, they'd name a certain day, Bring out a fiery, untamed steed, and let him have his way, They'd fit a saddle on the horse,buckle it good and tight. Put the Knowall on his back, then yell with all tBeir might. You've read about disasters, an explosion in a mine, You heard about Jack Dempsey knocking Carpentier out of time. But none of them hold a candle, not even a little smell, He wondered if the war was bad like Sherman used to tell; That horse he bucked and humped his back shot him in the air. 22 He kicked and pawed annd plunged around, as tho he didn't care. The cowboys picked the Knowall up, they said, "You'e aoing fine. But we didn't hear you sa, git up." He said, "I hadn't time." Yes, friends, this horse, a relic still owned by some, But automobiles and flying machines have put him on the bum. No more you see him in the flold, with coat so slick and clean. Not even at the Movies do you see him on the screen. At last he's one of the Down and Outs, as you see him in that cage. We class him as all too slow for the people of our age. There was a time he was nicely groomed, wore shoes upon his feet, And his body was sold in a butcher shop like any other meat. Goodbye, old Horse, alas, farewell, in fact, I'll say adieu, Never again on God's green earth will there be anything like you. You were always good and faithful, so honest, gentle and kind. No more we'll see you switch your tail to shoo flies from behind. No more we'll travel on your back when traveling to and fro. In these days of rapid transit, for that snail pace is too slow. Your bones are now boiled into glue, your hide makes good shoe leather. Folks in the East enjoy a feast when they eat horse meat together. Develope your power ff concentration. A wonderful asset to the affairs of life, an ability worth while. A fool can do more damage in a minute than a wise man do undo in six months. 23 WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER DON'T GET M.AD Did you ever lose your temper when you tried to do a thing Get mad and break it up, 'stead of smiling and start to sing, Sometimes I think Dame Nature has a lot of fun with us, By having things contrary and hearing some men cuss, When anything goes wrong, if we'd make investigation. We'd find the fault with ourselves, we lost the combina- tion. Take a watch for instance with all its screws and springs, When worked on by an amateur, there's enough for other tilings. First his knowledge of a watch, is rather premature, He never studied geometry, his measurements are poor, And putting it together he is rather indiscreet, He should know its mechanism to have it quite complete. By that there is a reason for all the make of things. They do not come by chance, or a wish that never brings. The answer to our problems, we must work them by degrees, With a mind of concentration, then it goes with perfect ease. Practice patience and perseverence, with a little oil of joy And endurance, with assurance, will come to you, my boy A pleasure, without measure, in a temper battle cure, By a mind that was confined, to thoughts both good and pure. Don't let anger cross your pathway, treat with a manner cold, From your heart cast every grudge, 'gainst a brother you may hold; While we differ in opinions, who is right or who is wrong, Life's too short to ever worry; kick your heels and sing a song. No matter what a girl's political belief may be she ahvays wants protection. 24 BE YOUR NATURAL SELF This world is filled with echos that resound from shore: to shore, Why deal in imitations, when pei'haps you can do more. Just use your adaptations, that nature for you planned,, You may climb the highest mountain, wliei'e others: proudly stand. When you deal in facts and figures, as you know them to exist. You are telling truthful stories, and the world will not resist In giving you the credit, where it rightfully belongs When he knows you are the author of your stories, rhymes- and songs. Don't steal away from others, for it never pays to lie. When the rightful author finds it out, wliich he will bye and bye, Then you make all kinds of offers, but your're laid upon the shelf. And no one wants to know you — you can never square yourself, You are not obliged to say, that, you did what others claim. Within yourself perhaps there lies power to greater fame. So get right down to brass tacks, give yourself a calm re- view. You surely be surprised when you find what you can do. It requires careful study, you must learn to concentrate You may find your natural hobby, lying just within the gate, Or it may be that you'll have to keep on delving for a year. But do not get discouraged, you will find it, never fear. When you do, go after it, and work both night and day. For nature gives suggestions that will help you on your way — When you find your proper level, now remember what I've said It will cause your own destruction if you let it swell your head. 25 AUTO TRAVEL IN THE SOUTH Alabama roads are mud and sand, Florida too has fame, Texas roads considerably damned She's largely in the game Georgia roads are simply fine, Louisana black loam, But give to me Ohio, Monroe county hills back home. I used to think when I was home. Our roads were awful rough. I've changed my mind about them, They are plenty good enough. When pi'edicting Texas weather. They will tell you as a rule A man is either a stranger. Or a natural born fool. No two days are just alike. The air is filled with doubt. You make your plans to go somewhere When a "Norther" knocks you out. The Sun shines hot, you swear and sweat Your body's in a foam, You sneeze and cough, your hat blows off; Nothing like that back home. I remember once in Florida We went to bill a town. We drove through swamps and quicksand. For many miles around. Roads running all directions North, East, South and West, T'would puzzle the Almighty To know which one was best. We started one day from Gainesville, On a road thru beautiful pine. We said: "what a lovely day this is.'' The weather was simply fine. The water covered some of the roads, They said: "Oh, that Ain't much." 26 But it cost me seventeen eiglityfive, And a liner for the clutch. Oh, yes; those roads are all O. K. To the man that don't know others. The Southern man has a job on hand 'Con\'incing' his Northern brothers. I've traveled over miles of roads, That go from Sea to Sea. My home is in dear Ohio, Where a:ir roa;ds look good to me. DON'T NEGLECT THE OLD FOLKSY My nerves are all unstrung to-day,, I'll tell you the reason Avhy, It's about a letter I sent away, And I never recieved a reply. They don't seem over anxious. About our home nor health, Might drop a card and thank us. But they only think of self. Pap and I, they know are old. Our health is none too good. Our blood is thin, for winter's col'dy And we are scarce' of food. 'J'oung folks don't seem to care. Perhaps they do not know. When they're old, the worse for wear;. They'll find it hard to g'O. Mandy, (that's the only child at home'),. Says "Now Maw, please don't fret. Perhaps they're busy-you know Johnr You'll get a letter yet. There's the mail coming down the fane Just wait, I'll ask the man." And sure enough a letter came, 1 saw it in her hand. "Thumpity bump" my old heart went.. Now we'll hear from John. 'Twas a darned old advertisement, Tetling ab'^vut some Bod-I-Tone. 2*1 Nothing will tone my body up, Like the news I want to hear, Why don't he write, the little pup. They're all down siclc I fear. Don't forg'et the old fclks, boy When you're away from home. Close your eyes, you see them By the home fireside — alone. The day you left they kissed you, And whispered in your ear, "Don't forget to write us, son You know we love you dear." Sit down now, and \\'rite them^ Tell them where you are, Relate your joys and sorrows, . While from home afar, Tell them 1-ow you miss them. Friends that are always true. If they only knew your addl'ess now, My boy, they'd write to you. POR A CARPENTER, VERY SYMPATHETIC, Who once tore down a barn for me and built a fence on ihe corner where the barn had been, a goo''ning property should hang up a hook, for all they do toward fixing up, to beautify their homes. Their property looks just like a pile of sticks and stones. .No wonder rent- ers kick some time about the price they have to pay, for shacks they live ar© all going to decay .Why don't you go to work, landlord, and spend a little kale. It's a wonder some of your renters don't ride you on a rail. You talk of profiteering, when you never spend a cent. You say you cannot raise the dough, but you can raise the rent. Go to it with a hammer and nails, fix up that olel bench, get out your hatchet and saw and tighten up the fence. Your house looks bad, it needs some paint, your sheds are falling down. Get busy with your sidewalk, its the bummest one in town. You can afford to do it now with rents so a^\'ful high. Will you take that money with you when it comes your time to die? Don't you try it, landlord; in heaven they need no dough, and it will me't in the other place, where you might possibly go. The woman who cannot hold her tongue or a baby has no busines with either. 32 THE KNOW IT ALL. Why do you treat your father sc bad ? Young man, I am talking- to you, Why do your answers make m_other sad T Wlien a gentle reply would do. Why da you handle brother so rough, And meet him each day with a scowl? Why does sister receive a rebuff? At home you do nothing but growl. IS it, you think, you are wiser than they ? I suppose in your own estimation. You think it looks big to treat them that way But it leads to your own degradation. Get away from the gang you associate in That teaches you that kind of gush. Profanity, slang, and all kind of sin; It will send you to k-11 with a iTish. Get wise young man, you are living in vain;^ There^s no sense in acting that way. What do you gain with a knowledge insane. What is your average today? Take an account of the way you are doing. In the years you have lived up to date. You see right along, some day you'll be rueing,. Your finish will be a sad fate. They who have lived, in the days you were not. Are anxious to give you advice, They know the right way from experience got; That cost some a terrible price, So do not be foolish, take heed while you can. Treat those at your home with respect, There's lots of room in this world for a Man, But none for those who neglect. Man is made of dust. At least some wives thinU^ husbands are. 33 WHAT CAN YOU BUY WITH A "THANK YOU MAM?" We often hear sayings, vv'e never forget While making this Journey thi-u life. "Well I Should Smile" and another "Y^ou Bet" And "His Words Seemed to Cut Like a Knife" "You Don't Say So" says the boy with a grin. While Out on the Lawn Flying Kite. When his sister says, M^ma wants you to come in. Are you going to stay out there all night? "Hello Googie" On you "I am Bugs". No matter what others may say. Your people won't stand for our dear loving hugs, So we'll make our "Quick get away". This sayings from the fellow in love with tlie one He wants for his own loving wife. For he found after while when the courting was done She's the proper companion thru life. When Hubby comes home from a meeting of Ijod'ge, And it happens he's a little bit late, He tries to explain with some kind of a dodge To Make a Lie sound awful straight. Then he says aint it funny when wifey finds out, In spite of anything he can do But she gets it from the neighbors while gadding about Strange how they do it. But they do. Y^ou tried to pull the wool over wifey's eyes,' But the same gag don't always do, j„. For somehow or other the wifeys "get wis^," Then you've got to fix up something new.'^-.^jT These lies always keep a home in a spat. Then look what it costs to be rude. Y'ou've got to buy this and you've got to buy^'that. Oh, Man, v.'hy can't you be good? g-ij nl reriW So goes the world year in and year out; ■ nr[P, Y^ou hear nothing but "Slang Being Sluhg'^' Y'ou hear it each day while you're waBcihg about As its used by the old and the young.' I meet a little girl one day on the street. £4 When she placed a boquette in my hand, I said to her, My but those roses are sweet And the price that I paid was "Thank you Mam." Oh, you^re welcome said she with a cute little smile. You needn't mind bout the change; But I think when you study this over a-while Some other plan you'll arrange. For when I total up my receipts for the day, To find out just where I am, • I'm a little short, please tell me pray, What can I buy with that "THANK YOU MAM.'" CHARMING MELODIETS There's a place called Honolulu: Where I always like to go Just to see a girl I know. Because I love her so. When she strums her Ukulele In a manner quite sublime, To hear her you would Say she is divine.. REFRAIN: With her rum-tum, tiddle-Je-i-d'ov And her tuer-ral-de-ay. That girl in Honolulu She can sing and play. Wlien she strums sweet music comes Like honey from the bees; With her Ukelele, singing gayly, Charming melodies. This girl from Honolulu Is a dear old pal of mine, In the good old summer time, When tte weather is so fine. She will play her Uklele With me sitting by her side. As down the river Silently we glide. REFRAIN 3^ SPRING IS HERE Good morning-, Spring', you darling young thing Your coming to us make our hearts sing, We are tired of v/inter, the days have been drear. It seems a long time since you were here. Your bj'eath brings the flowers w^ all love to see. It calls back the birds and the honey bee, It brings smiling faces and drives away frown. We are always glad when you come round. We must get out the rake and the rusty old hoe And dig up the ground to make things grow, lioll up our sleeves and drop in the seed; By tlie sweat of our brow we raise what we need. We'll be liept very busy from now until fall; When harvest time comes we must care for it all. Put it up nicely in clean jars and cans. Then kill off our hogs for the shoulders and hams. Salt dowTi the butter and pack eggs away, At times in the winter the hens won't lay, The cows go dry and the milk runs short. Instead of a gallon we don't get a quart. Busy all day from the rising of the sun. But the farmers life is a very merry one, Singing at his worl<;, as happy as a clam^ I would rather be farmer than city man. Pure water to drink, it don't cost a penny^ 'When the river goes dry the city don't get any^ We raise our own eats, fresh eggs and chickens; To live in the city, it costs like the dickens. We breathe pure air that gives us good health; "When the city man wants it he must fan himself^ Cooped up like that I would \y 4 * * * '^ .^.' / ' v^ ** VL'