*''■• ' * ternational Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and the 
 
 d States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors- 
 PS 635 
 
 ,«/"' , No. 84. & 
 
 Copy 1 ^ I 
 
 z Oh ! Susannah ! I 
 
 ^ 
 
 H jfarcfcal ComeC)^ In Ubvcc Bets 
 
 PRICE, 25 CENTS. 
 
 ^ London 
 
 I SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
 
 ^ 26 Southampton Strket, 
 
 ^ 
 
 RV ^ 
 
 BY ^ 
 
 MARK AMBIENT | 
 
 Copyright, 1905, ky Samuel French lf< 
 
 ^__-^ /^ 
 
 ' <l> 
 
 All Rights Reserved. <^ 
 
 CAUTION :— Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified ^ 
 
 that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws <J^ 
 
 of the United States Government, and nobody is allowed to ^ 
 
 do this play without first having obtained permission of ^ 
 
 Samuel French, 34 West aad Street, New York City, U.S.A. ^ 
 
 New York ^ 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH $ 
 
 publisher ^ 
 
 26 W 22D Street A 
 
 STRAND, LONDON 
 
FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 
 
 Price 15 Cents each.— Bouad Volumes $1.25. 
 
 TOU L 
 I Us 
 t FuU 
 
 I Tk< l^tj tf Lt«m 
 
 4 lUahdlt* 
 
 I TU wir« 
 
 < Tk« Htaiymoon 
 
 1 Tkt S«h««l hi Bcandkl 
 
 • Mm.7 
 
 VOL. tl. 
 
 f Tka StruHr 
 I* •nia4r>th«r Wbitchiad 
 11 Rl«liir4 Iir 
 II Ut>'i BaerllSct 
 It Tb* Samiittr 
 U A Curt for th« HwrUche 
 II Th< HuQchback 
 U Dm Cmtr dt Bu>a 
 
 VOL. IIL 
 M Tk« P»«r GantlanikD 
 II Hamlat 
 1* Ckariti II 
 M Vanita Praiarrad 
 tl riaarra 
 tt Tba Lara Cbata 
 tl Otballa 
 U Laid ma Flra SbllllDgt 
 
 VOL. IV. 
 ti Vlrglniui 
 
 M Kluf »t tba Coinmoni 
 tt Laoaon Atiuranca 
 tlTbaRaotDay 
 n Twa OtDtlaman ofVaroua 
 HTba Jaaloui WIfa 
 II Tba Rlrali 
 It rarfaatlan 
 
 VOL. V. [Debli 
 II A Naw Way to Pa; Old 
 M Loak Bafora Tou Laas 
 IIKtnr Jobn 
 It Narrout Man 
 17 Damon and PTthlaa 
 M Clandattlna Marriaga 
 M William Tall 
 M Day aflar tba Warding 
 
 VOL. VL 
 «l SpMd tka Plmgh 
 ItKomaaand JulTat 
 41 Faudal TImai 
 44 Cbarlai tba TwalKi 
 41 Tba Brida 
 4tTbaFolllaioraNlgbt 
 47 Iras Chait IFalr Lady 
 41 Falut Haart Xarar Won 
 
 VOL. VIL 
 4t R«ad to Ruin 
 •e Macbatb 
 II Tampar 
 It Kradna 
 tt Bartram 
 14 Tba Doanna 
 tt Macb Ado About Nothing 
 tt Tba Critic 
 
 VOL. VIII. 
 IT Tba ApoiUta 
 tl Twalfib Nlgbt 
 tt Brutaa 
 to Slmpioii k C» 
 tl Uarabant ofVanloa 
 It Old HaadiA Young Haarti 
 tt Mauntalnaan [rlag« 
 
 ttTbraa Waaka aflar iMar- 
 
 VO* IX. 
 It LoTa 
 
 It At You I X* It 
 17 Tba Eldar Brotbar 
 tt Wiratr 
 
 tl aiiip).ui 
 
 19 Tawn and CouDtr/ 
 II King Laar 
 It BluaDarili 
 
 VOL. X. 
 flHanry VIII 
 14 Marrlad and SIngIa 
 H Haary lY 
 n Pa»l >ry 
 tj Ouy Mann.rlng 
 Tl Swaalhiarti and Wlrat 
 n Barloiii Family 
 10 Saa .^toopi ta Conqu 
 
 VOL. XL 
 II Jullui Cciar 
 
 13 VicarofWakcflald 
 It I.<ap Ytar 
 
 14 Tba Calinaw 
 M Tba Failing Cloud 
 16 Drunkard 
 87 Rob Roy 
 83 Ucorga liarnwell 
 
 VOL. XU. 
 69 Ttigoinar 
 »0 SkeichFi li India 
 9 1 TwoFrknd* 
 9 Jftna Shore 
 93 Conican Brothtri 
 64 Mind voiir own Business 
 95 Wrilinc on tba Wall 
 98 Heir at Law 
 
 VOL. XIIL 
 97 Soldier'! Daughter 
 9t Douglai 
 19 Marco Spada 
 
 100 Natura't Nobleman 
 
 101 Sardatiapalui 
 109 CiTilUation 
 
 103 The Rohberi 
 
 104 Katharine and Fetruchio 
 
 VOL. XIV. 
 
 105 Game of Love 
 
 106 Midtummer Night's 
 
 107 Emaitine (Dream 
 
 108 Rag Ticker of Paris 
 
 109 Flying Dutchman 
 
 110 Hypocrite 
 
 111 Thereta 
 llILaTonrdeNetla 
 
 VOL. XV. 
 
 113 Ireland At It It 
 
 114 Sea of Ice 
 lit Seven Clerks 
 118 C;aniaof Life 
 
 117 Forty Thieves 
 
 118 liiyan Boroibma 
 
 119 Romance and Raalltr 
 
 150 Ugoliiio 
 
 VOL. XVL 
 
 151 The Tempest 
 US The Pilot 
 
 193 Carpenter of Roueo 
 
 154 King'i Rival 
 
 198 Littrt Treasure 
 
 I9« Dombev and Son 
 
 1^7 Parents" and Guardians 
 
 198 Jewess 
 VOL. XVII. 
 
 199 Camille 
 
 130 Mairied Life 
 
 131 Wenlock of Wenlock 
 
 139 Rose ofEttrickvale 
 
 183 David Copperfield 
 
 184 Aline, or the Rosa of 
 lit Pauline [Killarnev 
 
 136 Jane Eyre 
 VOL. XVllI. 
 
 137 Nii;lit and Morning 
 131 iEthlop 
 
 189 Three Guardsmen 
 
 140 Tom CriuRle 
 
 141 Henriette, the Forsaken 
 149 EuitHche Baudin 
 
 143 Erneit Mnltravert 
 
 144 Bold Dragoons 
 
 VOL. XIX. 
 
 145 Dred, or tba Dismal 
 
 [Swamp 
 
 146 Last Davs of Pouipeil 
 
 147 Eimeraldi 
 141 I'eter Wilkins 
 
 141 Ben the lioatswnln 
 1 to Jonathan Bradford 
 161 Retribution 
 Its Minerall 
 
 VOL. XX. 
 
 15t Evil Genius 
 151 Ben Bolt 
 147 Sailor of Franca 
 156 Red Mask 
 
 159 Life of an Actress 
 
 160 Wadding Day 
 
 |[Moscow 
 
 ▼OL. XXI. 
 Ill All's Fair in Lov* 
 111 H*f«r 
 
 ittswr 
 
 114 Claderalla 
 Hi Plsantom 
 
 166 FrankliD 
 
 167 Tba Gunmaker'of 
 ISSTla Love of « Prince 
 
 VOL. XXII. 
 1 f.'' Soo of the N ieht 
 r.v RorvO'More 
 171 Golden Eagle 
 \V2 Rianii 
 17J Brokan Swrd 
 ■ 74 Rip Vaa Winkle 
 
 175 IsabaUa 
 
 176 Haart af Mid Lothlao 
 
 VOL. XXlll. 
 
 177 Actress of Fadua 
 liH Floating Beacon 
 
 179 Bride ol Lainmermoor 
 
 180 Cataract of the Ganges 
 
 181 Robber of the Rhln# 
 18S School of Reform 
 183 Wandering Boys 
 134 Maieppa 
 
 VOL. XXIV. 
 
 185 Young New Vork 
 
 186 The Victi:ns 
 
 187 Romance after Marriage 
 
 188 Brigand 
 
 189 Poor of New York 
 
 190 Ambrose Gwlnett 
 
 191 Ravmond and Agnea 
 19'J Gambler's Fate 
 
 VOi.. XXV. 
 
 193 Father and Son 
 
 194 M:.isaniella 
 
 195 Sixteen String Jack 
 
 196 youthful Queen 
 
 197 Skeleton Witness 
 
 118 Innkeeper of Abbeville 
 199 Miller and his Men 
 900 Aladdin 
 
 VOL. XXVI. 
 201 Adrienne the Actress 
 209 Undine 
 903 Jesse Brown 
 204 Asmodeus 
 20i Mormons 
 906 Blanche of Brnudywine 
 
 207 Viola 
 
 208 Deseret Deserted 
 
 VOL. XXVII. 
 
 209 Americans in Paris 
 
 210 Victorine 
 
 211 Wizard of the Wave 
 919 Cnstle Spectre 
 
 213 Horse-shoe Robinson 
 21* Armand, i\lrs. Moivatt 
 2r. Fashion. Mrs. Mowatt 
 
 216 Glance at New York 
 
 VOL. XXVIIl. 
 
 217 Inconstant 
 
 118 Uncle Tom's Cabin 
 919 (iuide to tha Stage 
 220 Veteran 
 9il Miller of New Jersey 
 
 229 Dark Hour before Diwn 
 
 223 Jlidtum'rNight'sDresm 
 [L.iurttKeene's Edition 
 
 224 Art and Arlitirt 
 VOL. XXI.X. 
 
 225 Poor Young Man 
 Ossawattomie Brown 
 
 227 Pope of Rome 
 
 228 Oliver Twist 
 2V9 I'auvrette 
 
 230 .Man in the Iron Mask 
 
 231 Knight of Arv»^ 
 
 232 Moll Pitcher 
 VOL. XXX. 
 
 233 Black Eyed Susan 
 934 Satan in Farl 
 
 235 Rosina Mead< 
 
 236 West End, or Irish Helr^ 
 
 237 Six Degrees of Crime 
 
 238 The Lndy and the Devil 
 9.39 Avenger, or Moor of .Slci- 
 140 flasks and Faces [ly 
 
 [ess 
 
 vol.. X.W!. 
 
 241 Merrv Wive, of Windsor 
 
 242 .Marv'i Birthday 
 
 243 .Shamlv Magulre 
 
 244 Wild 6ats 
 24,i Michael Erie 
 'Ai Idiot Witness 
 
 247 Willow Copse 
 
 248 People's Lawyer 
 
 '('OL. xxS:h. 
 
 249 The Boy Martyrs 
 260 l.ucretia Borgia 
 
 251 Surgeon of Paris 
 
 252 Patrician's Daughter 
 
 253 Shoemaker of Tonl. use 
 
 254 Momentous Question 
 
 255 Ijjve ami lx)valty 
 
 256 Robber's Wife 
 
 VOL. XXXIII. 
 
 257 Dumb Girl of G«noa 
 9 8 Wreck Ashore 
 
 •259 Clari 
 
 260 Rural Felicity 
 
 261 Wallace 
 969 Madelaina 
 
 263 The Fireman 
 
 264 Grist to the Mill 
 
 VOL. XXXIV. 
 
 265 Two Loves and a Life 
 
 266 Annie Blaka 
 
 267 Steward 
 
 268 Captain Kvd 
 
 269 Nick o( the Wooda 
 
 270 Marble Heart 
 971 Second Love 
 272 Dre.im at Sea 
 
 Vol. X.XXV. 
 973 Brea. li of Promise 
 
 274 Review 
 
 275 Ladvof theL-Ue 
 
 276 Stllf Water Runs Deep 
 
 277 Tha Scholar 
 
 278 Helping Hands 
 
 279 Faust and Marguerite 
 •280 Last Alan 
 
 VOL. XXXVL 
 
 281 Belle's Stratagem 
 
 282 Old a!id Young 
 
 283 Raffaella 
 214 Ruth Oakley 
 2»5 British Sl.lva 
 2&6 A Life's Ransom 
 •287 Giralda 
 
 285 Time Tries All 
 
 VOL. XXXVIL 
 288 Ella Rosenburg 
 
 290 Warlock of the Glen 
 
 291 Zelina 
 
 292 Beatrice 
 
 2»3 Neighbor Jackwood 
 '2!<4 Wonder 
 ■i9b Robert Emmet 
 •296 Green Bushes 
 
 VOL. X.XXVIIL 
 
 297 Flowers ol the Forest 
 
 298 A Bacheh.rof Arts 
 •299 The Midnight Banquet 
 300 llnsbmid of an Hour 
 301'l,ove's Labor Lost 
 
 309 Naiad Queen 
 
 303 Caprice 
 
 104 Cradle of Liberty 
 
 , VOL. xxxii. - 
 
 305 Tha U.st Ship 
 
 306 Connlrv Squire 
 
 307 Fraud and lis Vlctiml 
 lot I'ntnam 
 
 309 King and Deserter 
 3IU La Fiamnilna 
 311 A Hard Struggle 
 319Gn'innette Vaughan 
 
 VOL. XL. 
 
 313 The Love Knot [Judgt 
 
 814 Lavtiler, or Not a Bad 
 
 315 Tba Noble Heart 
 
 316 Coriolanus 
 
 317 The Winter's T.il« 
 
 318 Eveleen Wilson 
 
 319 Ivanhoa 
 
 390 Jonathan In Eqgliuid 
 
 (French's Standard Drama Continued on j J page of Cover.) 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 W^st a2d Street, New York City. 
 
 Kew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request 
 
OH! SUSANNAH! 
 
 H ^farcical Come&s in Ubree Hcts 
 
 MARK AMBIENT 
 
 Copyright, 1905, by Samuel French 
 
 New York 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 PUBLISHER 
 
 26 WEST 22D STREET 
 
 London 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 
 
 26 Southampton Street, 
 
 STRAND, LONDON 
 
LiafiAflY of CONGRESS 
 Ivyu Copies KsctivtMi 
 
 LMAR 26 1905 
 
 Joyyrnffit tnyy ^ 
 'J 
 
 .^^r^^"^ 
 
 '^i^B# 
 
 Noi 
 
 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Produced at the Eden Theatre, Brighton, on September 
 6th, 1897, afterwards played at the Royalty Theatre, 
 London, with the following cast : — 
 
 John Sheppard, M.D. (A young 
 
 doctor) Mr. Chas. Glenny. 
 
 Lieut. Andrew Merry, R.N. (His 
 
 greatest friend) Mr. L. Power. 
 
 Hon. "Waverly Vane (Merry's 
 
 friend) Mr. H. Farmer. 
 
 M. Plant (A Soutlisea Solicitor).. Mr. Alfred Maltby. 
 TUPPER (The Doctor's buttons) . . . Miss Clara Jecks. 
 Miss Susannah Sheppard (His 
 
 Maiden Aunt) Miss Alice Mansfield. 
 
 Flora (His Bride) Miss Mary Milton. 
 
 Ruby ^ Miss Bella Graves. 
 
 I (Mr. Plant's " precious 
 
 j jewels.") 
 Pearl J Miss Grace Vincent. 
 
 Mrs. O'Hara (The Landlady) Miss Kate Kearney. 
 
 Aurora (The Maid) Miss Louie Freear. 
 
 Scene : — Doctor's Consulting Room, 13 Marmalade St., 
 Pimlico. 
 Time : — Lady Day, 4 p. m. to 6 p. m. 
 The action is continuous throughout the 3 Acts. 
 
 time of representation. 
 
 Act I. 53 minutes. 
 Act II. 32 minutes. 
 Act III. 30 minutes. 
 
 (One hour and three quarters.) 
 
 TMP92-008563 
 
COSTUMES. 
 
 Doctor. Act 1. Frock coat and high hat. 
 
 Act 2. Changes to pyjamas and Turkish dressing- 
 gown. 
 
 Andrew. Act 1. Blue serge yachting suit and cap. 
 
 Act. 2. As aunt, in picture. 
 
 Waverly. "Very smart. 
 
 Plant. White hat, loud waistcoat, outre. 
 
 TuppER. In buttons. 
 
 Aunt. Quiet, old-fashioned, almost Quakerish. 
 
 Flo. Modern tailor-made costume and smart hat. 
 
 Ruby & Pearl. Dressed alike, in sailor hats and 
 serge costumes, with sailor collars. 
 
 Mrs. O'Hara. Eccentric Irish landlady. 
 
 Aurora. Slatternly slavey frock, soiled white apron, 
 cap awrj', large slippers tied on with string. 
 {During Act 3: changes to grotesque colored dress: 
 orange blossoms in hair.) 
 
PROPERTIES. 
 
 On bureau. Whiskey decanter, water, glasses. 
 
 Below bureau. Pail with water and house flannel. 
 
 In med. chest. Small bottles of coloured water, med- 
 icine -glass and roll of lint. 
 
 On steps Feather brush. 
 
 On ped. cupboard. Case of surgical knives. 
 
 On doctor's table. Microscope, test tubes, phials, 
 double stethoscope, eye-glass, stationery cabinet with 
 note-paper, pen, pencil, calendar, Bradshaw, blotter, 
 scribbling block, hand bell, ash-tray with cigarette ends 
 and matches. 
 
 In mirror. Invitation cards (Sir Peter — Mrs. O'Hara). 
 
 On sofa. Cushions. 
 
 Off stage. Front door bell. 
 
 HAND PROPERTIES. 
 
 Doctor. Act 1. Gladstone bag packed with books, 
 papers and one collar. Photo of Flo in pocket, also ly»d 
 in bronze. 
 
 Act 2. Aunt's letter, also Flo's photo and coppers. 
 
 Andrew. Act 3. Pipe and baccy. 
 
 Waverly. Act 1. Detective camera in form of turnip 
 watch. 
 
 Act 2. Walking stick (for Pearl's Bus.) 
 
 Plant. Act 1. Pocket hair brush — mirror at back. 
 
 Act 3. Small black bag — deed inside. 
 
 TuppER. Act 1. Crumpled telegram in pocket. Land- 
 lady's account book. 
 
 Flo. Act 2. Two bags and two parcels. 
 
 Act 3. Bundle of aunt's clothes (wet). 
 
 Ruby. Act 1. Andrew's letter. 
 
 Act 2. Visiting card. 
 
 Pearl. Act 2. Sporting Times. 
 
 Act 3. Pearl necklace in case. 
 
 Aurora. Act 1. Six letters in blue envelopes, pair 
 of paste hair combs (in pocket), duster, tea-things, 
 grotesquely big brown earthenware tea-pot, milk, sugar, 
 cups and saucers, stale quartern loaf, knife and butter. 
 
 Act 2. Lady's letter — thick paper, gold crest. 
 
 Act 3. Telegram. 
 
Scene plot. 
 
 Backing. Bathroom. 
 
 Street. 
 
 Bath. 
 
 Hall. 
 H 
 
 R 
 
 n 
 
 m 
 
 / 
 
 Tlie scene is a Doctor's consulting room on the ground floor of a 
 locigiug-house in Pimlico. 
 
 (1) Door R. at back to bathroom (not opened till middle of Act II 
 
 (showing about half of bath, taps, etc). 
 
 (2) L. at back, to passage, showing hat stand. 
 
 (3) Down R. 
 
 (4; Window c, commanding view of similar houses across street. 
 
 FURNITURE. 
 
 (B) Bureau with practicable drawers. 
 
 (M) Medicine chest (hunp between door r. and window). 
 
 (C) Operating couch in front of window. 
 
 (L) Step ladder, between couch and window at rise of curtain. 
 (P) Pedestal cupboard. 
 (H) Hatstand. 
 
 (A) Picture of Aunt, over door l. 
 (S) Sofa for three — h:ilf facina: Are. 
 (T) Doctor's table, (t) Tea table. 
 (R) Revolving chair behind Doctor's table. 
 (G) Grandfather's chair at fireplace, 
 (c) Ordinary chairs. 
 
 Mirror and clock over fire, fender and fire-irons. Poker used. 
 
oil! SUSANNAH! 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 
 13 Marmalade Street, Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.) 
 
 '(Aurora, the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's 
 letters lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each 
 one as she lays it down — all are in blue envelopes.) 
 
 Aurora. They're all for 'im — the dear doctor. Won't 
 'e be pleased when 'e comes back and finds all this little 
 lot! 'E went off quite sudden two days ago. Gone to 
 see a patient, I expect, none ever comes 'ere, so 'e 
 must go to them, {crosses l., looks in mirror) Oh, 
 why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? (on sofa) I would 
 like to be 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' v.'ith the dear 
 doctor to see to me, 'e's got sich a sorft 'and. (jumps off 
 sofa and stands c. looking at aiinVs picture, curtseys) 
 I wonder if she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond 
 combs. You ain't the only one, my lady, with diamond 
 combs! I'll struggle with yer. (produces combs from 
 her pocket) Tenpence a pair — in the Strand, (going 
 to put them on, stops) No, I'll wait till 'e comes 'ome. 
 They're all for 'im, the dear doctor — all for 'im! (end 
 of sofa) 
 
 (Enter Tupper, a fat little page.) 
 
 TUPPER. I say, Aurora, the missus is a'goin' to do 
 the thing in style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes — an' 
 a planner an' a programme o' the dances pinned up 
 over the mantelpiece over 'ead. (picks up cigarette 
 end off ash tray and smokes it) 
 
 Aurora (down c). Lor, you don't say! An' printed 
 invitations an' all. (takes card from, mirror) 'Ark at 
 this! " Mrs. O'Hara requests the honor of Doctor 
 
 Sheppard's company 
 
 •■■---- 7 
 
8 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 TUPPER. 'E won't come back for that. I wish 'e 
 would. 
 
 AiTRORA. Why not, Tupper? Where's 'e gone? 
 {comes c.) 
 
 Tupper. Gie us a kiss, an' I'll tell yer. 
 
 Aurora, (moving away) A kiss! There's bloomin' 
 cheek! I never did! 
 
 Tupper. (coming to her) Oh yes, you did — only 
 larst Friday, an' it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's 
 Lady Day. 
 
 Aurora, (innocently) Is it, Tupper? Well, as It's 
 Lady Day. (ptits her cheek up, aside) It's all for 'im! 
 (kiss Bus.) Now tell me. 
 
 Tupper. 'E's gorn to get married, (goes down r. 
 puffing cigarette hard) 
 
 Aurora, (with concern) No, Tupper, don't say 
 that! (changes her tone) I mean, 'ow do you know? 
 
 Tupper. (turning round) Gie us another, an' I'll 
 tell yer! 
 
 Aurora. Go hon! 
 
 Tupper. I will when I got summat to go hon with. 
 (comes to her) 
 
 Aurora. (impatiently) Oh, there, then! (kisses 
 Mm. — aside) They're all for 'im! 
 
 Tupper. Well, as you know, (gets on taMe) Aurora, 
 the doctor's a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as 
 — well, there 'e is gentle! 
 
 Aurora, (more impatiently) I knov/ that. I give 
 you them kisses to tell me summat I don't know. 
 
 Tupper. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to 
 go av/ay, 'e was that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the 
 bag. 
 
 Aurora. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get 
 excited without gettin' married, yer silly kid! (goes 
 to steps) 
 
 Tupper. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a 
 bran noo pair o' trarsers 
 
 Aurora. The dear doctor! I'll bet 'e looked a toff! 
 (start on steps) 
 
 Tupper. An' then 'e 'ad a brandy and soda — wot for? 
 (up to couch) 
 
 Aurora. 'Cos 'e was thirsty, o' course, yer silly kite. 
 
 Tupper. Thirsty! It was to bring 'im up to the 
 scratch! 
 
 Aurora, (aside) The scratch! My 'eart! My 'eart! 
 (top of ladder) 
 
 Tupper. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon 
 in 'is noo clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. 
 (up stage r.) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 9 
 
 Aurora, (curiously) Your noo clothes? 
 
 TuppEK. Yes, I was loored into these under false 
 pretences. When JMrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says 
 she'd let orf 'er ground floor to a very risin' doctor. 
 
 Aurora. So 'e is! The day ivill come, 'e'll be the 
 most risin' — (gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, 
 nearly falls) 
 
 TiTppER. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or 
 do you not? (sits on couch) 
 
 Aurora. Yes, Tupper, o' course I do — get 'em orf 
 yer chest. 
 
 Tupper. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, she sez, 'e'll find yer in 
 clothes, she sez, an' think of all the gratooities 
 
 Ai'uoRA. Great — who? 
 
 Tupper. Gratooities from grateful patients — shillins 
 an' 'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three 
 months to-day — 
 
 Aurora, (sadly) An' not a blessed patient 'as called 
 yet. (comes down) 
 
 Tupper. No, but the tailor's called, lots o' times, 
 an' larst time 'e was very cross — said 'e'd 'ave these 
 clothes orf me if they wasn't paid for Lady Day. 
 (crosses to r. of table) 
 
 Aurora. Oh! the person! Never mind; the day ivill 
 come. 
 
 Tupper. The day 'as come! (takes up pile of letters) 
 
 Ai^RORA. Well, never mind, look at all these — all 
 from lady patients, (sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his 
 eye-glasses) 
 
 Tupper. (laughing) Lady patients! Why, they're 
 bills. That's the butcher, (puts it down) An' that's 
 the chemist. 
 
 Aurora. Oh! 'e can read! 
 
 Tupper. (puts it down) I know 'em all! (reads) 
 "Cummerbund and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! 
 (drops the pack suddenly) I call it downright selfish 
 of the doctor to go away and never think of me. (pro- 
 duces crumpled telegram from pocket) Oh, I forgot, 
 this is for you! (hands it to her) 
 
 Aurora. Silly kid! 
 
 Tupper. Who's it from? Your young man? (reads 
 wire over Ai'rora's shoulder) 
 
 Aurora, (opening it) 'Arf a mo'! It's from the 
 dear doctor. (aside) I'd know 'is 'andwriting any- 
 wheres, it's sich a sorft 'and. (reads xvord for ivord) 
 " Expect — me — back — at — half — past — four — 
 and — please — have — my — tea — ready." 
 
 Tupper. (counts words on his fingers — sadly) 
 
10 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 There's extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, 
 an' my clothes owin' for. 
 
 Aurora (aside) 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! 
 As if I wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 
 'im! (stuffs telegram in bosom, then fusses about room, 
 putting things straight, starts scouring bureau) 
 
 TuppER. (icatching her) I believe you're in love 
 with the " Dear Doctor." (picks another fag end off 
 ash-tray and lies on couch stnoking it) 
 
 Aurora. Oh, go smoke! Little boys should be seen 
 and not heard! 
 
 TuppER. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things 
 an' neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know. 
 
 (Front door bell rings.) 
 
 Aurora, (snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, 
 saying to herself) 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im — 
 all for 'im! 
 
 (Exit Aurora, l. tj. e.) 
 
 TuppEE. (laughs) That's sure to be for the missus. 
 She 'as lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a 
 woman, I'd be a widder. (juTnps off couch) Oh lor, 
 if it's the tailor, (crosses to fire, stands back to it, 
 legs apart) I wouldn't mind so much, only I sold my 
 old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot didn't 
 come orf — dead certs never do — I wish my clothes was 
 a dead cert. 
 
 (Enter Aurora, followed by Pearl, then Ruby, then 
 Plant, in single file. Tupper works behind arm-chair 
 and gets up stage and puts out cigarette) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) Our fust! (fussily shaking sofa 
 cushions, standing behind sofa) Take your seats, 
 please! (motions girls to sit) 
 
 (Ruby sits r. of Pearl.) 
 
 Make yourselves quite at home — and don't be frightened. 
 
 (Girls turn round and stare at her.) 
 
 'E'll treat yer kindly — 'e's got sich a sorft 'and! 
 (soothingly to Ruby) Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, 
 to buck yer up? 
 
 Ruby. No, thank you. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 11 
 
 AuBOBA. (to Ruby) Oh, the doctor alius gives 'is 
 ladies tea. 
 
 (TUPPER, sitting on couch, 'bursts out laughing and 
 shoves his handkerchief in his mouth.) 
 
 Peabl. No, thank you. 
 
 Plant, (looking round) Is the doctor out? 
 
 AUBOEA. (bustling about dusting) Yes, sir. 
 
 (Girls rise.) 
 
 •—But 'e'll be back at 'arf past, if the ladies'll kindly 
 wait. 
 
 (Girls sit.) 
 
 'E's been called orf to see a lady who couldn't wait. 
 
 (TuppEB same Bus. — Aurora goes to him.) 
 
 Plant, (coughs.) Ahem! That will do. (aside) 
 Fancy setting up for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How 
 can he earn bread and butter in Marmalade Street. No. 
 13, too! 
 
 Aurora, (to Tupper) 'Old yer row! They're lady 
 patients. 'Appy girls! I wonder what they've got? 
 
 TuppER. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off an right! (laughs) 
 
 Aurora, (sadly) Are they, Tupper? Then why do 
 they come 'ere? 
 
 Plant, (aside) What has he done to deserve a 
 rich aunt who has instructed me to draw up a deed 
 settling a thousand a year on him? It's disgusting! 
 (sits, head on hand) 
 
 TuppER (sees Plant, head on hand — aside to 
 Aurora) Oh, p'raps it's 'im! (comes to him) Any- 
 thin' wrong with yer 'ead? (touches his hair) 
 
 (Girls laugh — Plant looks dumbfounded.) 
 
 Aurora. The doctor's wonderful clever for 'eads. 
 (same Bus.) 
 
 Plant. Don't do that! 
 
 Tupper. Yus, 'e cured mine in a jiffy. I rekkem- 
 mend 'im to all my friends. 
 
 Plant. Ah, then I presume Doctor Sheppard has a 
 large practice. 
 
 Aurora, (cheerily) Oh yes, sir, 'e's alius practisin' 
 ^-'e practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. 
 
12 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 It 'ad the direfearier, sir, in its throat, and the doctor 
 was afraid the cows'd catch it and spile the millt. 'E 
 stopped up all night for a week nussin' that baby. 
 (goes on scouring bureau) 
 
 TuppER. Oh, he's a wonderful gentle gentleman, is 
 the doctor. 
 
 Plant, {aside) A "Gentle Sheppard! " Just what 
 his rich aunt hopes to find him. I must get a word 
 with Ruby. 
 
 Ruby, {to Tupper) Ah, you hear what his grateful 
 patients think of him. 
 
 Tupper. {comes doivn) Grateful patients? {shakes 
 head sadly) No, miss, not yet. 
 
 Plant. You carry the medicine round, don't you? 
 
 Tupper. No, sir, not yet. 
 
 Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you? 
 
 Tupper. No, miss, not yet — only 'arf of me, the other 
 'arf belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf 
 where the stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the 
 missus — an' 'e shares the gal too. 
 
 Plant, {rises, coughs) Ahem! That will do! Is 
 the room always so full of smoke? 
 
 Aurora, {coming to him quickly) Oh yes, sir, wuss 
 generally, {flaps wet flannel in his face) The doctor's 
 a wonderful gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch 
 smokin' all day long, an' readin' this 'ere book, {fetches 
 it) You look at it. {comes down c.) 
 
 {Girls go up to her.) 
 
 You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' 
 they is — well, there! 
 
 Plant. Ahem! That will do! {takes it from her 
 before his daughters see it) What are the doctor's 
 hours? 
 
 Aurora. I dunno, sir — all hours. Sometimes out all 
 day. Sometimes don't come home all night 
 
 Plant. Ahem! That will do! 
 
 Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet. 
 
 Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be 
 serious! {comes to back of sofa and sits l. end) 
 
 Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. {confiden- 
 tially) It's a case of 
 
 Plant, {yells in her ear) Ahem! That will do! 
 
 Aurora. Sorry I spoke! 
 
 Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for 
 forty-eight hours. 
 
 Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful un- 
 usual in 'is 'abits. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 13 
 
 Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. {to 
 Ruby) 
 
 Ruby, (to Peaul) Poor fellow! He must be starv- 
 ing! 
 
 (TuppER looks admiringly at Ruby, and goes to fire, 
 stands back to it, legs apart.) 
 
 Plant, (aside) " Poor fellow! " He'll be rich 
 enough before the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's 
 own daughter — but I mustn't betray a professional con- 
 fidence. 
 
 TuppER. (aside) Fine gels! {to Ruby) 'E'll be 
 wonderful glad to see you, miss. 
 
 Ruby. How do you know? 
 
 TuppER. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' doctor, miss, 
 an' you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. {aside) Bar 
 the tailor. 
 
 Ruby. The first? {to Pearl) He is starving! 
 
 Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. {crosses 
 to Plant) He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through 
 you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to 
 tell 'im. {to Ruby) 'E knows all what's goin' on in 
 yer innards 
 
 Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er — no doubt, no 
 doubt. 
 
 TuppER. No bloomin' doubt, sir. {going to him) 
 But I do 'ope you'll pay afore leavin' — 'cos it's Lady Day, 
 an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet — an' if they 
 ain't — they're a-comin' orf. 
 
 Plant. That'll do! We don't want to hear any fairy 
 tales. 
 
 Tupper. {sadly) There ain't no tails about these 
 'ere. {looking at Ms jacket) It's a norrible fac'! 
 
 Plant. You can go — {to Tupper) both of you. {to 
 Aurora ) 
 
 Aurora, {having fetched pail — to Tupper) Come 
 aw'y, you talk too much. Fm the doctor's local demon 
 when 'e's aw'y. 
 
 {Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.) 
 
 Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. 
 {puts book on couch) 
 
 Pearl, {to Ruby, who is reading a letter) Who's 
 that from? 
 
 Ruby. Lieutenant Merry! 
 
 Pearl. Oh, let me read it! 
 
14 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 (They read it together.) 
 
 Plant, (aside) A thousand a year for an unbusi- 
 ness-like young fool, and here am I, her own cousin's 
 husband, and she's never given me a penny, except what 
 I've borrowed. (Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at 
 back) I did thinli my chance had come when she sent 
 for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch 
 out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old 
 girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, 
 called me a fright, and began asking some damned awk- 
 ward questions about my late wife's trust money. Just 
 my luck! (sits at writing table) 
 
 Pearl, (reading from letter which Ruby holds) 
 " And, my darling Ruby — if your father dies " — there's 
 not much "if" about it. He does, (taps her hair) 
 I've seen the bottle. 
 
 (Both giggle.) 
 
 Plant, (aside, looking in pocket mirror) So I took 
 the next train back to Southsea, and romped my 
 daughters up to town. If Ruby can only hook the 
 doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved — if she can't — 
 I'm — ahem! 
 
 Rudy, (aside to Pearl) And only think, Pearl, 
 when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry — perhaps 
 a Duchess! 
 
 Pearl. But, father 
 
 Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a 
 surprise for his birthday. 
 
 Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday — he looks more 
 like 36. 
 
 (Both laugh.) 
 
 Plant, (to them) Stop that silly giggling! 
 (crosses over to the tico, sends Pearl across to table) 
 Go and sit over there. Ruby, my precious jewel, I have 
 something very solemn to say while we are waiting to 
 see the doctor. 
 
 Ruby, (jumping up, excitedly) Pa, don't say you've 
 brought us for the doctor to sound us. 
 
 Pearl, (quietly, sitting still) He shan't sound me! 
 
 Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound 
 the doctor, (pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her 
 on couch) 
 
 Ruby, (excitedly) What about? 
 
 Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers 
 to Doctor Sheppard, he is our cousin. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH I Iff 
 
 Ri'RY. Second cousin, pa! 
 
 Pearl. On mother's side. 
 
 Ruby. Three times' removed. 
 
 Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far re- 
 moved in the future. I regret very deeply that we have 
 never yet enjoyed the friendship of — er — dear cousin 
 Jack. 
 
 Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not 
 worth while to cultivate any of our poor relations. 
 
 Plant, (hotly) Do you want your pocket money 
 stopped? The fact is. Pearl, you're bringing my grey 
 hairs (stroking his blade locks) 
 
 Pearl, (quietly) Your what? 
 
 Plant, (jumping up) I stop your pocket money 
 for a month! Ooh! (puts his hand to his back) This 
 lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to my time of 
 life 
 
 Pearl, (quietly) What time is it now? 
 
 Plant, (hotly) I stop your pocket money for 
 three months! 
 
 Pearl, (rises) Really, father, a solicitor should be 
 more cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, 
 (points to clock and crosses to couch — stands behind 
 Ruby) and you have not yet informed us of the " very 
 solemn " something you have to say. 
 
 Plant. I accept your explanation — without prejudice. 
 (stands r. of couch) I say when a man gets to my tin:o 
 of life — the future happiness of his offspring becomes- 
 an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when ex- 
 alted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, 
 they never look outside the family. Living as we do, 
 in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too 
 — er — " tony " in such important matters. Now you are 
 both — as I know, being your father — heart-free. 
 
 (Pearl digs Rx^by hard in the ribs.) 
 
 Ruby, (crying out) Oh! 
 
 Plant. How dare you interrupt me! 
 
 Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was 
 
 Pearl. Sneak! (pinching her arm) 
 
 Ruby. It was nothing! 
 
 (Pearl sits in big armchair.) 
 
 (aside to Pearl) Little cat! 
 
 Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. 
 You have heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble 
 character the doctor bears, and no man is a hero to 
 
16 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 his — his Buttons. The one thing the doctor wants is a 
 wife. 
 
 Peael. To look after his buttons? 
 
 Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my 
 favourite, I mean my first-born, have all the qualifica- 
 tions for a doctor's wife. 
 
 Ruby. A doctor's wife? (looks at Pearl) 
 
 Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to 
 see you united in matrimony to dear Jack. 
 
 Ruby. Cheap Jack! He hasn't a penny! 
 
 Plant. Oh hasn't he? — er — (aside) Nearly let it 
 out that time, (to her) I mean should he be clever 
 enough to win my Ruby, my Ruby mine — er — this after- 
 noon, he will be rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Alas, 
 I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing of your 
 dear old — your dear fond, fond father. (kisses her 
 forehead) But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune 
 will smile on us all — smile — smile. 
 
 Ruby, (hursts into tears) I can't smile — I won't! 
 (turns to Pearl) 
 
 Pearl, (comes to meet her — aside to her) Of course 
 you won't — I'll get you out of it. 
 
 Plant, (angrily) Stop that silly crying. He'll be 
 in soon, and you look a perfect fright with your eyes 
 all red. You've never obeyed me in your life — either 
 of you — but I've made up my mind this time, and 
 damme — I'll make you obey me. I swear that dear 
 cousin Jack shall be my son-iyi-laio. (crosses c. ) 
 
 Pearl, (going quietly to him, standing beticeen him 
 and Ruby) If such is your determination, / will sacri- 
 fice myself. 
 
 Plant, (contempt^iously) You! 
 
 Ruby, (rushing to Pearl) You shan't! 
 
 Pearl. I will — what is it after all? Marriages aren't 
 made in heaven now-a-days. 
 
 Ruby. No, no. Pearl, you're too good. I'd rather 
 marry him myself. 
 
 Pearl. You can't — you know you can't — you're en- 
 gaged. 
 
 Ruby. Sneak! (pinches her arm) 
 
 (Pearl howls.) 
 
 Plant, (shouts) Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry be- 
 tween sisters is most unseemly. What do I dress you 
 alike for? 
 
 Pearl. To save expense. 
 
 Plant. No, miss, to save jealousy, and I'll have no 
 jealousy about this. Settle it amicably between you. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 17 
 
 (aside, crosses to r.) Good idea! They'll go it faster 
 wittiout me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. (aloud) 
 Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want 
 to show Jack. I'll step over to our apartments 
 
 Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's 
 room! 
 
 Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to 
 one. Now, remember, one of you two must marry Jack 
 — that's my last word, and you know my word, like ray 
 profession, is law! 
 
 (Exit Plant.) 
 
 Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, (looking 
 out of window) He's brought us up to London to put 
 us on the market. 
 
 Ruby. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. (goes l. ) 
 
 Pkarl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just 
 across the street — it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. 
 (picks up " Quayle on Muscles " off couch, takes it to 
 table) 
 
 Ruby, (at sinall table up stage l., opens case, shrieks) 
 Ach! knives! 
 
 Pearl, (looks up from hook) You wouldn't do for a 
 doctor's wife, whatever Pa says. (looks at picture) 
 Besides, you're not free, but I am. (sadly) 
 
 Ruby. Pearl, there's Waverly! (coming to her, looking 
 over her shoulder at picture) 
 
 Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's (turns to next 
 picture) most disappointing. He's been staying at 
 Southsea with Lieutenant Merry for a whole week, 
 (turns page) and father's been away the whole time. 
 (turns page) And I've given him every possible en- 
 couragement, (looks at picture) At least, of course I 
 didn't go so far as you did with Lieutenant Merry. 
 You were — simply — (turns page) 
 
 Ruby, (looking at picture) Shocking! (shuts book 
 and puts it back on couch) 
 
 Pearl. Yes, you xoere! (laughs) 
 
 Ruby. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the 
 slightest encouragement, (sits on sofa) 
 
 Pearl. My dear Ruby, I judge by results. He pro- 
 posed to you the second day. (comes and sits by her on 
 sofa) 
 
 Ruby. What about you? You let Waverly kiss you. 
 
 Pearl. Only once — just there; (touches her cheek) 
 
 and that was after a dance, which doesn't count. No, 
 
 I've gone as far with Mr. Vane as any girl, who isn't a 
 
 born flirt, (pointedly looking at Ruby) can go, and he's 
 
 2 
 
18 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 said nothing — yet. So I'm going to get father to invite 
 Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt des- 
 perately with him. 
 
 (Ruby crosses c.) 
 
 You see, I shall be obeying father — I shall get you out 
 of your difficulty, and it will force Waverly to say some- 
 thing — definite, (sits on the word) 
 
 Ruby. Oh, Pearl! What a clever idea! (thinks) 
 Andrew hasn't been quite so attentive since I accepted 
 him. And, as you say, dear papa must be obeyed, so I'll 
 flirt with Doctor Sheppard too, before Andrew — it'll do 
 him a world of good. 
 
 Pearl. Doctor Sheppard! 
 
 Ruby. No, Andrew, of course. Oh, Pearl, I wonder 
 how they're getting on without us? Do they ever talk 
 about us, do you think? 
 
 Pearl. Of course they do — everybody talks about us — 
 in Southsea. 
 
 Andrew, (heard off) Not in? P'raps he's got a pa- 
 tient, (laughs) 
 
 Ruby. It's Andrew! How do I look? (jumps up and 
 looks in mirror) 
 
 (Pearl tries to pull her away from it — Enter Andrew 
 followed hy Wa\'erly.) 
 
 Waverly. (looking at girls' backs and nudges An- 
 drew) P'raps he's got two patients. 
 
 Andrew. Oh, Susannah! (takes double stethoscope off 
 table, aside to Waverly) Let's have a lark. I'll pre- 
 tend to be the doctor. 
 
 Waver. No, no, never joke about business, (scuffles 
 to get stethoscope) 
 
 (Ruby looks round.) 
 
 Andrew. Ruby! (goes to her with outstretched arms) 
 
 (Pearl looks round.) 
 
 Waver, (aside) Pearl! Oh, lor! (goes down r.) 
 Pearl, (coyly) Mr. Vane! What attraction has brought 
 you all the way from Southsea? (follows him) 
 
 (Wan^rly looks confused.) 
 
 Anprew. (to Ruby) What's brought you? We called 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 19 
 
 at Clarence Parade this morning and found that you'd 
 flown up to London by the excurs — the early train, so 
 we thought what a lark it'd be to run up on the chance 
 of meeting you. 
 
 Waveb. We didn't expect to find you at the doctor's. 
 
 Andrew. No. (to Ruby, anxiously) Are you ill? 
 
 Ruby, (laughing) No. 
 
 Wavee. (to Pearl, wearily) Don't say it's you. 
 
 Pearl. I'm never ill. What's the matter with you? 
 
 Waver. I've only come with Andretv. (tries to cross 
 to Andrew) 
 
 (Pearl pulls him hack.) 
 
 Ruby, (screams) Oh Andrew, then it's you.'.'! What's 
 the matter with you? 
 
 Andrew, (laughing) Nothing! Sound me if you like. 
 (offers stethoscope) 
 
 Ruby. But ivhy have you come to see a doctor? 
 
 Andrew, (laughs) I haven't — I've brought Vane to in- 
 troduce him to my old school-fellow, dear old, serious, 
 studious, short-sighted, absent-minded Jack Sheppard. 
 
 Ruby and Pearl, (together) You know Jack? 
 
 Waver, and Andrew, (surprised) Jack? 
 
 Ri'BY. Cousin Jack! Didn't you know? 
 
 Andrew. No, you never told us you had any cousins. 
 What a lark! Jack's my greatest friend — because we're 
 such opposites, I suppose. I call him Dull Boy, because 
 
 "all work and no play makes Jack " see? Rather 
 
 smart for me, and he calls me " Merry Andrew " — 
 Andrew Merry — Merry Andrew — see? Oh, that was 
 jolly smart for Jack — only joke he ever made. 
 
 (Ruby sits on couch — Andrew behind couch.) 
 
 Wa\-er. Why have you never mentioned his name? 
 
 Ri BY. We haven't seen him since he was a little boy 
 in kilts. 
 
 Pearl. We saw lots of him then, we were both of us 
 awfully in love with him. 
 
 RiBY. And we're longing to see him again! (point- 
 edly) 
 
 Andrew, (laughing) Oh, are you? Well, I shan't be 
 jealous of serious old Jack. 
 
 Ruby, (aside) Oh, won't you? 
 
 (Ruby and Pearl exchange looks, smiling.) 
 ;Waveb. Where is he? 
 
20 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Ruby, {quickly) He won't be back till half-past — 
 {coyly) How shall we kill time? 
 
 Andrew. I know, come and shoot tin dickie-birds at 
 the Aquaiiiim — I must have exercise. 
 
 Ruby. Oh, what fun! Come along! 
 
 {Exeunt Ruby and Andrew.) 
 
 Waver, {breaking away — aside) I shall never have the 
 pluck to break it to her that I've got engaged to another 
 girl. 
 
 Pearl, {looking at door, then at Waverly, drops her 
 eyes) Well! 
 
 Waver, {stands facing audience, back to writing table 
 — to her) Miss Plant, there's something I want to say 
 to you — something — I — I — I don't know how to say it. 
 
 Pearl, {coquettishly) Then don't say it. Write me 
 a little note, {taps his arm, goes to table, holds up note- 
 paper and pen) 
 
 Waver. Thanks awfully! {sits and writes) 
 
 (Pearl walks away.) 
 
 {Pauses, aside, alarmed) Does she mean business? She's 
 not a lawyer's child for nothing. She might make a 
 Breach of Promise out of this, {tears up letter and 
 pockets the pieces) I'd better blurt it out. {goes to her) 
 I say, it's not — er — it's not that. 
 
 Pearl. Not what? 
 
 Waver. I mean — er — {absently takes from his pocket 
 a kodak made like a large turnip watch, and fumbling 
 nervously with it) I mean I've been and got — er — I've 
 been and got 
 
 Pearl. A watch? 
 
 Waver. No. {aside) But it'll gain time, thank good- 
 ness. 
 
 Pearl. What is it? Do tell me. 
 
 Waver. A detective camera that defies detection. 
 
 Pearl, {rises) Oh, what fun! {takes it from him) 
 Let's go and take snap-shots at Andrew and Ruby when 
 they're not looking, then they shall take us — when we're 
 not looking, {takes his arm) 
 
 {Enter Tupper.) 
 
 Waveb. {aside) She does mean business. 
 
 {Exeunt Waverly and Pearl.) 
 
 Tdppeb. {looking after them) I don't like the look 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 21 
 
 of those two gents, (takes cigarette end oft ash-tray, 
 lights it) They've gorn and eloped with the fust two 
 customers we've 'ad. [lies on operating couch) Oh, well, 
 I don't interfere with other people's business. I got 
 enough to do to look after my own. 
 
 (Enter Doctor in high hat, frock coat, overcoat, carrying 
 a Gladstone bag, looks as if he had something on his 
 wind. ) 
 
 (Jumping off couch) I am glad to see you back, sir. 
 
 Doctor. Thank you, Tupper — a kind boy — unpack 
 these, (hands him bag) 
 
 TuppER. (finds bag very heavy, drops it down by 
 bureau, opens bottom drawer, looks in, aside) Empty — 
 must 'ave pawned the lot to buy the noo ones, (takes 
 out pile of books and papers and one collar) I wonder 
 if 'e's spliced, 'e looks un'appy enough. I'll arsk 'im. 
 (chucks books, MS8., collar, etc., into draiver, anyhow, 
 crosses on tiptoe to Doctor) 'Ave yer brought 'er with 
 yer, sir? 
 
 Doctor, (suinging round on revolving chair facing 
 TuppER, who has backed to bureau alarmed) Don't talk, 
 I'm busy! (opening his letters — aside) Can that boy 
 have guessed? No, how could he? (picks up Cummer- 
 bund's letter) 
 
 Tupper (aside) 'E's got the letter! (closes drawer) 
 
 Doctor, (throwing doicn letters savagely) Bills, bills, 
 bills — nothing but bills! (walks up and doivn shying 
 things about) 
 
 Tupper (aside, stealing out on tiptoe) It's my last 
 day out o' bed, I know it is. 
 
 (Exit Tupper.) 
 
 Doctor, (takes card out of mirror) " Sir Peter and 
 
 Lady Quayle request the pleasure " That's what 
 
 did it, that dinner of Quayle's. Sir Peter told me over 
 dessert, that for the first six months after he started 
 in practice, he was starving. Then he met a young 
 governess who was starving too, and with what their 
 friends called " sublime imprudence " they got married. 
 And he never looked behind him after. Then he said if 
 I meant to get on as a gynaecologist, I must get married. 
 " Your wife will prove a mascotte like mine did," he 
 said, " and patients will flow in — simply flow in." Well, 
 I believe in Quayle. That was Tuesday night; on 
 Wednesday I ran down to Lowesloft, proposed to Flo on 
 Thursday, we were secretly married this morning at the 
 
22 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Registry Office, she's gone back to her people, and I've 
 come back to town; and what do I find? Nothing but 
 bills, and I can't pay one of them. After settling for 
 the special license, my fare back to town, and that tele- 
 gram to Aurora, {feels in pocket, produces coppers) 
 I've got sevenpence half-penny in the wide world and a 
 wife! It's all Quayle's fault! Damn Quayle! I'll never 
 believe in him again. I don't even know where my next 
 meal is coming from, {ivalks up and down) 
 
 (Enter Aurora loith the tea — goes to small tea-tahle.) 
 
 Aurora. "Ere's yer tea, sir. I was glad to get your 
 telegram. Mrs. O'Hara was getting quite anxious about 
 you. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) About her rent, more lilvely. 
 
 Aurora. She wondered where you'd got to, but I knew, 
 sir. 'Ow is the pore lady? Do you think she'll get 
 over it. Doctor? 
 
 Doctor. Don't talk, my good girl, I'm busy, (cuts 
 bread) 
 
 Aurora (getting heliind couch — aside) " 'Is good girl," 
 that I am, it's all for 'im. I know 'e's starving. 'B 
 goes for that stale quartern like the pore prodigal gen- 
 tleman with the 'usks, but I've got a treat for 'im, that 
 there card put it in my 'ead. (points to Quayle's card 
 in mirror) I've bought 'im a beautiful bird, that'll give 
 'im a relish, (to Doctor) Couldn't you fancy something 
 light with yer tea, sir? (back of couch) 
 
 Doctor. Yes, I think I could — I'll finish that tin of 
 potted pig I left, (rises, gets c.) 
 
 Aurora (aside) My stars! An' Tupper's ate it! 
 
 Doctor, (opens draiver of bureau) Hullo! It's gone! 
 
 Aurora, (to him) G-gone bad, sir. 
 
 Doctor, (suspiciously) Gone bad? 
 
 Aurora. Yes, sir, an' I've fr — fr — 
 
 Doctor. Fried it? 
 
 Aurora. No, sir, frowed it away! 
 
 Doctor. All of it? (goes to medicine chest) 
 
 Aurora. Yes, sir, all of it. (one step back, nods hard) 
 
 Doctor, (aside) She's eaten it. (to her) Aurora, 
 show me your tongue. H'm! you'd better take this. 
 (pours out a draught) 
 
 Aurora, (aside, rapturously) 'Is patient at larst! 
 (takes it) Thank you. sir. (gasps) I've touched 'is 'and. 
 
 Doctor. You won't like it. 
 
 Aurora. I will, sir, if I die arter it. (aside) I'm in 
 seven 'eavens already! (drinks, pulls an awful face)_ 
 It's all for 'im! 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 23 
 
 (Doctor puts glass hack. Aurora takes big lump of 
 sugar from tea-table.) 
 
 Doctor, (seriously) You might have died of ptomaine 
 poisoning, eating that decayed tinned stuff. {c7-osses to 
 sofa, sits again) 
 
 Aurora. Oh, sir, I never touched a mossel. {big lump 
 in her cheek) 
 
 Doctor, {surprised) You didn't eat it? 
 
 Aurora. Not me, sir! I ain't no thief! {takes an- i 
 other lump) ' 
 
 Doctor, {smiles) Well, never mind. That won't hurt 
 you. 
 
 Aurora. Please, sir, {looking at him fondly — hesi- 
 tatingly) Mrs. O'Hara, she arsked me to say — as it's 
 Lady day, would you allow 'er 
 
 Doctor. I know — something on account. 
 
 Aurora. Oh, no, sir — would you allow her to send up 
 a beautiful bird for yer tea? 
 
 Doctor. No, thanks, I — I've just dined, {eats raven- 
 ously) 
 
 Aurora, {aside) Lord forgive 'im. {watches him 
 eating) 
 
 Doctor, {aside) Mrs. O'Hara has tried that dodge 
 before, but I'm not taking any. 
 
 Aurora. I'm sure you'd like it, sir, it's a quail on 
 toast. 
 
 Doctor, {aside, jumping up) Quail on toast! Damn 
 it! Do you want to drive me mad? {shouts to her) No! 
 Go! {sits and pours out another cap) 
 
 Aurora, {aside) No go. 'E don't love me, or 'e 
 wouldn't say that? 
 
 (Bell rings.) 
 
 Oh, that bell! {comes back and quickly removes the 
 things) 
 
 Doctor, {still holding teapot in left hand) What are 
 you doing now? 
 
 Aurora. Clearing away, sir, in case it's for you. 
 
 {Exit Aurora with tea-tray.) 
 
 Doctor. What's she done that for? I wish Flo was 
 here to look after me. It was hard to leave her at 
 Lowestoft, {takes photo from pocket, stands it up before 
 him on table) Dear little Flo! The one girl I've loved 
 all my life! {arm outstretched, teapot in l. hand) To 
 think that you're my wife at last! {slowly closing his 
 
24 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 arms) My wife! {hugging teapot, yowls) It seems too 
 good to be true. And where are the patients Quayle 
 said would flow in? Simply flow in! (loaves teapot, tea 
 goes all over the stage) Hello! its flowing out. 
 
 (Enter Plant.) 
 
 (loudly) I say, where are my patients? (loudly, coming 
 down stage, not seeing Plant) 
 
 Plant, (more loudly) And I say where are my daugh- 
 ters? 
 
 Doctor, (seeing Mm) My first! Quayle's right, after 
 all. (comes to Plant, teapot in hand, assumes profes- 
 sional air) Good afternoon, won't you sit down? (seats 
 himself and writing table, puts teapot on blotter. He is 
 always absent-minded when absorbed in his science) 
 Now! (earnestly) What can I do for you? What's the 
 trouble, eh? 
 
 Plant, (aside) Well, upon my word, he's a cool cus- 
 tomer, (stands r. of table) 
 
 Doctor. Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how 
 I can help you; you know I'm in the habit of hearing 
 confidences, (sees teapot, puts it under table) 
 
 Plant, (indignantly) Sir, I'm a father! 
 
 Doctor, (boiving) Sir, I congratulate you. (writes 
 *' Father'' on note pad — to Plant cheerfully) Is it a boy 
 or a girl? 
 
 Plant, (hotly) Two girls, sir. 
 
 Doctor. Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. (makes a 
 note "two girls") Mother doing well? 
 
 Plant, (gesticulating wildly) The mother's dead, sirli 
 
 Doctor, (icith sympathy) Ah, now I understand your 
 agitation, (makes note) And the twins — are they well? 
 
 Plant, (wildly) Damn it, sir, they're not twins, and 
 I've lost 'em. 
 
 Doctor. Dear, dear! (aside) Lost his wife and both 
 the poor little babies, (icriting on note pad) 
 
 Plant, (chokingly) Only half an hour ago, and I've 
 come to you 
 
 Doctor, (putting up his hand) No, no, if your own 
 Doctor won't grant a certificate, it's no use coming to 
 me. (tears up notes) 
 
 Plant. I tell you I left 'em here, on this sofa. 
 
 Doctor, (rises indignantly) On my sofa! Then you'd 
 no business to. How dare yt)u leave the poor things 
 lying on my sofa? Where are they? (looking under 
 sofa cushions) 
 
 Plant. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask you. 
 What have you done with them? 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 25 
 
 {Enter Tuppeb.) 
 
 TuppEK (to Doctor) Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says 
 
 (hands him her account hook) 
 
 Plant, (seizing Tuppeb) Where are my daughters? 
 (crosses c, shaking Tupper — threatening him ivith big 
 stick ) 
 
 Tupper. I dunno, sir — give it up. 
 
 Plant. No prevarications! You saw the two young 
 ladies. 
 
 Doctor, (surprised) Two young ladies! I see now! 
 
 Tupper. Are you their father, sir? I didn't think you 
 was old enough. 
 
 Plant, (pleased, releases him, pats his head) Good 
 lad! (crosses doivn l. ) 
 
 Doctor. Where have they gone, Tupper? 
 
 Tupper. I dunno, sir — they was fetched. 
 
 Plant. Fetched? Who by? (rushing at Tuppeb 
 furiously) 
 
 Tupper. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen — they didn't leave 
 no name, they simply come, saw the ladies — and carried 
 'em off. 
 
 (Bus. — Plant threatening Tupper — Tuppeb arm up.) 
 
 (Exit Tuppeb quickly.) 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Just my luck — lost two cases! 
 
 Plant. A plot, sir — a vile plot — whoever the scoun- 
 drels are, they shall pay heavily for this wounded 
 heart. 
 
 Doctor, (seriously) Heart? Cardiac? (hand on Plant's 
 heart, listens) 
 
 Plant, (half crying, on Doctor's arm) My precious 
 jewels! Two dear girls. Doctor, who have never caused 
 me a moment's uneasiness all their blessed lives. 
 
 Doctor. Apparently not. Hadn't you 'better go and 
 look for them? 
 
 Plant, (excitedly walks up and down) Ah, you are 
 not a father 
 
 Doctor, (aside, looking through microscope) Hope 
 not — only married this morning. 
 
 Plant. or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I 
 
 am struck down in the flower of my days; this is a 
 stroke, sir, a fatal stroke. Ach! (cries out with pain — 
 puts hands to his back) 
 
 Doctor. That's not a stroke — that's lumbago. 
 
 Plant, (hotly) Hang it, sir, I speak in parables — I'm 
 not a patient! 
 
£6 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Doctor. Not a patient! Then what do you come here 
 for? Parables are no good to me. I've got my living 
 to earn! {rings hell) Good afternoon! 
 
 {Enter Aurora.) 
 
 Aurora. 'Ere's a letter for you, sir. 
 
 Doctor, {taking it) Thanks, and show this gentleman 
 out. 
 
 Aurora. Very good, sir, we are busy to-day, sir. {to 
 Plant) This way out. {at door) 
 
 Plant, {to Doctor) You little know whom you are 
 insulting. Some day, sir, your eyes will be opened — 
 and you will discover that the country cousin — 
 
 (Aurora listens and mimics him.) 
 
 ' — whom you spurned from your door, was none other 
 than a fairy prince, who will this very day lift you 
 from the slough of grovelling poverty to the realms of 
 affluence and prosperity. Good day, sir! 
 
 (Aurora crosses and exits behind Plant.) 
 
 Doctor, {alone) "This very day" — "Affluence and 
 prosperity " — " fairy prince " — oh, he's off his dot! 
 {looks at postmark) "Ambleside." Why, it's from 
 {rises and crosses l.) Aunt Susannah! "My dear 
 Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of your suc- 
 cess." My success! " I long to see my brilliant nephew 
 — I'm coming up to London to-morrow." To-morrow 
 — to-morrow, {looks at calandar) that's Saturday, good 
 job it's not to-day. Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish party 
 on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so awfully quiet she can't 
 stand the slightest noise, {reads) " It is my constant 
 joy to know that you are devoting your days — and I 
 daresay many of your nights — to the noble work of alle- 
 viating human suffering." {looks at her picture — reads) 
 " I mean to do all that my money can do to help you to 
 pursue your glorious profession with everything in your 
 favor. Its too good to be true! {rises) No, it isn't 
 Quayle's right again! Flo has brought me luck, and on 
 our wedding day! {pause) The very day! That's what 
 that silly old man with the dyed hair meant. By Jove! 
 he is a fairy prince! Oh, Flo, Flo, what a honeymoon 
 we'll have! {dances all over the room with delight, 
 seizing a sofa cushion to dance with) 
 
OH! SUSANNAH! 17 
 
 {Enter Aurora, followed by Ruby, Pearl, Waverly and 
 Andrew in single file.) 
 
 Aurora. The Doctor'Il see you directly. Take your 
 seats, please. 
 
 (Ruby and Pearl sit on couch, Ruby l. of Pearl; An- 
 drew and Waverly r. c, laughing.) 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 
 Doctor, (stops dancing suddenly — aside) Quayle's 
 right again! They're flowing in, simply flowing in! 
 (sits at table — to Waverly dow7i r.) Good afternoon. 
 Won't you sit down? 
 
 (Wa\-erly sits o. p. corner.) 
 
 Now what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? 
 
 Andrew, (behind Doctor, slaps him on back, laugh- 
 ing) What do you take us for, Dull Boy? 
 
 Doctor, (turning round) Why, it's Merry Andrew! 
 
 Andrew. Of course it is! How are you? This is Mr. 
 Vane, old friend of mine. 
 
 Waver, (other side of Doctor) How are you? (shakes 
 hands) 
 
 Doctor, (between them) Not a patient? (to Andrew) 
 Who are the ladies? 
 
 Waver. Don't you know your own cousins? 
 
 Doctor, (mystified) Cousins, what cousins? 
 
 Ruby, (coming down l. of him — Andrew gives loay) 
 Second cousins. 
 
 Pearl, (coming down r. of him — Waver, gives way) 
 On mother's side. 
 
 Doctor. / know, you're the Plants from Southsea? 
 But how could I recognise you? I haven't seen you for 
 so long. 
 
 Pearl, (making eyes at Doctor) We hope to see you 
 every day now; we're in town for a week. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) What does she make eyes at me like 
 that for? 
 
 Ruby. Yes, just across the road — dear Jack! 
 
 Doctor, (aside) "Dear Jack?" This is very sudden! 
 (to them) Er — have some tea? (rings bell on table) 
 
 Pearl. Oh, thank you. I love tea. 
 
 (Girls go to sofa — Boys follow.) 
 
 Wavebley Andrew 
 
 Peabl Ruby. 
 
28 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 (Enter Aurora.) 
 
 Doctor. Some more tea, please, Aurora — hot, strong 
 and quick! 
 
 Aurora. Yes, sir — hot, strong and quick, (dives under 
 knee-hole of table) 
 
 Doctor. What are you doing there? 
 
 Aurora, (coming through) Getting out the teapot, sir. 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 (Exit Aurora.) 
 
 Doctor, (hack of sofa, to Ruby) And have you come 
 up from Portsmouth with Merry Andrew? 
 
 Ruby, (confused) No — of course not, my dear Jack! 
 
 Doctor. But aren't you — eh? 
 
 Andrew, (laughs) You've guessed it in once. Dull Boy! 
 But it's a secret. 
 
 Doctor, (pleased) I'm never wrong in a diagnosis. 
 (shakes hands with Andrew) I congratulate you. (looks 
 
 at Pearl) And you and Mr. Vane are (shaking hands 
 
 with Wavekly) I congratulate you 
 
 (Pearl shakes her head.) 
 
 Er — I mean I beg your pardon. 
 
 Waver. Don't mention it. 
 
 Andrew. You were having a jolly good caper when we 
 came in; what's up? 
 
 Doctor. She's coming! (waves hand vaguely towards 
 picture cind sits on sofa betioeen girls) 
 
 (Enter Aitrora with tea.) 
 
 Andrew, (laughing) Oh, yoxCve got a " she," have you? 
 You dog! (hack at sofa) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) 'E"s got a she! (gasps audibly) 
 
 Rudy. Dear Jack! 
 
 Andrew, (to her) Here, not so much of your "dear 
 Jack! " 
 
 Ruby. Don't be absurd, Andrew, he's my cousin. 
 
 (Andrew goes c.) 
 
 I congratulate you with all my heart, dear Jack! (kisses 
 him) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 29 
 
 (AuEORA gasps again, louder.) 
 
 Pearl. And I congratulate you too! (kisses him) 
 
 (AcRORA gasps a third time, loudest, and puts tray on tea- 
 table, upsetting milkjug onto tray. Takes everything 
 off tray quickly, pours spilt milk hack into jug, wipes 
 tray and mops milk off floor with apron, goes to fire 
 and wrings out apron in fireplace.) 
 
 Doctor, {rises, goes up) You've got something on your 
 chest, Aurora 
 
 Aurora. Yes, sir. (takes out loaf of bread and puts it 
 on the table) 
 
 Doctor. I must give you a tonic. 
 
 Aurora, (tvith fervour) Oh, do, sir. (goes c, aside) 
 'Is patient again! I wonder what colour it'll be this 
 time? (to Doctor as he ha7ids her the draught) Will 
 this 'ere mix with that there, sir? (pointing at it) 
 
 Doctor, (snatching it back) No, I'm hanged if it will! 
 (puts it down) 
 
 Aurora (aside) I was a little silly to speak. I did 
 want to touch 'is 'and again. 'E's got sich a sorft 'and! 
 
 (Exit Aurora, sadly.) 
 
 Ruby. And what is your lady-love like? 
 
 Doctor, (pointing to Aunt's picture) That! 
 
 Pearl. Oh, isn't she pretty! (looks at Ruby grim- 
 acing) Who is she? 
 
 Doctor. My maiden aunt Susannah! 
 
 Andrew. Oh, Susannah! Now you're having a lark 
 with us. 
 
 Doctor. No, I'm not — I leave larking to you. She's 
 coming to-morrow. 
 
 Waver. To-morrow? We've got a box at the Hippo- 
 drome; you must come and bring your aunt. 
 
 AxDREW. Yes, we'll trot her round. 
 
 (Doctor handing cigarettes to Andrew, who hands them 
 to Waverly, and Waverly to girls.) 
 
 Doctor. No, no, she's not a trotter. She lives at 
 Ambleside, and she's awfully quiet. 
 
 XPeabl takes a cigarette from Waverly, strikes match 
 on her shoe, lights it.) 
 
 She'd think a visit to the Ballad Concerts was reckless 
 
30 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 dissipation, and if slie saw a girl riding a bicycle or 
 smoking a cigarette she'd saj'^ — {sees Ruby and Peari. 
 ■ — stops confused) I — I — don't know what she'd say. 
 
 Andrew, (roars and slaps Mm on the back) Just 
 the same serious old Jack. You must come out with 
 Vane and me to-night. 
 
 (Doctor lorithes ivlien Andrew slaps him.) 
 
 Waver. Yes, we'll paint London red for you — it's the 
 season for spring-cleaning. 
 
 Doctor. With pleasure, but mind you, no larks after 
 to-night. I know what a fellow you are for practical 
 jokes, but if you played any joke on auntie, I'd never 
 forgive you. She's one of the best, and I want her to 
 enjoy her visit in her own quiet way. (looks through 
 microscope) 
 
 Andrew. So she shall, old fellow! We'll take her to 
 the Zoo to see the lions fed. 
 
 Pearl. That tvill be quiet! 
 
 (All laugli.) 
 
 Doctor. (aside) Where's that specimen? (rings 
 tell) Oh, I remember, in there-;— (poinds to door r. i. e., 
 to them) Will you excuse me for a moment? 
 
 (Exit R. U. E.) 
 
 (Andrew crosses to sofa. Pearl jmlls Waverly on to 
 sofa. The Quartette sit around tea-table, talking and 
 laughing. ) 
 
 (Enter Aurora.) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) Where's the dear doctor ? What 
 have they done with him? 
 
 Andrew. (idIio has his arm round Ruby, aside to 
 Waverly) Lend me your detective camera? 
 
 Aurora, (aside) Detective? I'm in this — it's all 
 for 'im! (hides behind operating couch) 
 
 WxvER. Here, no larks, Merry Andrew, what do you 
 want it for? (nervously indicating that Pearl's taken 
 his arm and put it round her waist) 
 
 Andrew, (with smothered laughter) I'll show you! 
 (takes it from him) 
 
 (Waverly nervous tries to get his arm away — Andrew 
 takes snap-shot at Aunt's picture, Aurora watching, 
 her eyes just above couch.) 
 
 All over]. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! ZX 
 
 (Aurora bobs doivn.) 
 
 Ruby. What's the joke? 
 
 Andrew. I'm going to that wig-maker fellow to get 
 him to make me up just like this snap-shot of that 
 picture, he'll do it in half an hour, dress and all. I'll 
 come back before you're gone, and Jack'll think I'm 
 his " she." 
 
 Aurora, (aside) Will he? Not if I can help it! 
 {bobs down) 
 
 Andrkw. And you'll all be larking and smoking and 
 kicking up no encl of a row, and poor old Jack's serious 
 face'll be a study. 
 
 Attrora. (aside) Will he? I'll learn you to make 
 fun of the dear doctor, see if I don't! (creeps to door) 
 
 (Exit Aurora, unobserved.) 
 
 (Re-enter Doctor — Waverly icithdraios his arm sud- 
 denly. Pearl puts it back.) 
 
 Pearl, (to Doctor) Jack? 
 
 (Doctor doesn't hear, absorbed in microscope.) 
 
 Jack, dear, has any one been here while we were away? 
 (toying with Waverly's hand) 
 
 Doctor, (still looking through microscope) Only a 
 silly old lunatic with dyed hair and a touch of lumbago. 
 
 Ruby and Pearl, (jumping up suddenly) Father! 
 
 (Andrew sits on couch tvith Wa\^rly.) 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Oh, lor! (aloud) I'm awfully sorry 
 I didn't know he was your father, he said he was a fairy 
 prince. 
 
 Pearl. How like him! (laughs) 
 
 Ruby. Where's he gone? 
 
 Doctor. To look for someone — I think it was you. 
 (points to Waverly and Andrew) 
 
 Pearl. Had he his big walking stick? (seriously) 
 
 Doctor, (nods) He had! He practised with it on 
 Tupper. 
 
 Andrew and Waver, (together, rising) I think we 
 had better be going now. 
 
 Rudy, (to Andrew) Yes, do, you don't know papa 
 when he's roused. 
 
32 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 (Waverly looks around nervously and goes up.) 
 
 Andrew. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment. 
 {winking and smiling) 
 
 Ruby, (smiling) With a lady? (pointing at pic- 
 ture) 
 
 Andrew, (smiling) Yes! 
 
 Waver. I'll come with you, I'd like to see her. 
 
 Andrew. Right! Shan't be long. Jack, and when we 
 come back we're going to take you out to have one 
 jolly good caper for the last, (slaps him hard on 
 back.) 
 
 Doctor, (absently) The last before auntie comes. 
 
 Andrew, (laughing and nudging Waver.) As you 
 say, before auntie comes. 
 
 (Exit Andrew and Waverly.) 
 
 Pearl, (to Ruby) He's looking at us! Suppose he's 
 fallen in love with us! 
 
 Ruby. He mustn't for worlds — father would accept 
 him at once! 
 
 Pearl, (to Ruby) We must be very distant cousins 
 now. 
 
 (Girls sit on sofa.) 
 
 Doctor, (aside) I'm no match for the two of 'em. 
 (sits on couch between girls — cheerily) Now make 
 yourselves quite at home, let me give you some more 
 tea? (to Ruby.) 
 
 Ruby, (freezingly) No, thank you. (moves to arm- 
 chair) 
 
 (Pearl goes to tvindow and looks out.) 
 
 Doctor, (c, aside) Very sudden change! What have 
 I done? 
 
 Pearl, (looking out of window) Father's back! 
 
 (Bell rings. Ruby and Pearl rush back and sit one on 
 each side of Doctor, cuddling close to him, each 
 holding one of his harids.) 
 
 Doctor, (to them) Father's back? Oh, yes, I know, 
 lumbago! I'll cure it. 
 
 (Enter Plant.) 
 
 Plant. Ah, here you are, my precious jewelsl 
 
OH : SUSANNAH ! 33 
 
 (Doctor rises, girls rise vnth him, still holding his 
 hands.) 
 
 Sir, accept a father's thanks! 
 
 {Holds out his hand, ichich Doctor cannot take — Bus. 
 then girls release him — shaking Doctor's hand.) 
 
 Forgive my harshness this afternoon — a father's feel- 
 ings, you know. 
 
 Doctor. On the contrary, you ought to forgive me — • 
 I know now how much I owe you — my fairy prince! 
 
 (Girls laugh and sit on sofa.) 
 
 Plant, (quickly) Hush! Not before the girls! (goes 
 to them, stands back of sofa) RIy precious jewels, 
 ho V thankful I am to find you safe and well, (aside) 
 I'll give it you when I get you home. I know all! 
 (to Doctor) Two dear girls, doctor, who have never 
 given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless 
 lives, (aside to Ruby) Have you settled? Which is 
 it to be? 
 
 Ruby, (aside to him) Me. 
 
 Pearl, (aside to him) And me too! 
 
 Plant, (savagely to Pkarl) I shall lock you up in 
 our room, miss, for the rest of the day. 
 
 Ruby, (ruefully) Oh, papa, how unkind! 
 
 Plant, (aside to Ruby) And you too! (aside) I can 
 get on better without you. (to Doctor, stroking their 
 hair) Ah, doctor, the man who v.'ould dare to rob me 
 of my precious jewels, Ruby and Pearl, will have much 
 to answer for. 
 
 Doctor. Don't distress yourself, no man would be so 
 heartless, (looking through microscope) 
 
 Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These 
 girls are no match for him. I must get him alone. 
 (aloud) Well, doctor, we mustn't waste your precious 
 time; I see you're busy. 
 
 Doctor. No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day. 
 (nearly dances, checks himself, aside — to Plant) Be- 
 sides I'm expecting an old school fellow directly, he's 
 a lieutenant in the navy, and my greatest friend. 
 
 (Consternation of Ruby and Pearl.) 
 
 You must stop. 
 
 Plant. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet 
 any friend of yours, but really during our short stay in 
 
34 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 town we have so many engagements, (to Ruby) Say 
 good-bye and kiss him! 
 
 Ruby. / have kissed him once, (rises) 
 
 Plant. Good! Do it again for luck! 
 
 (Pearl crosses towards Doctok.) 
 
 Not you! (stops her) 
 
 Pearl, (to Plamt) I wasn't going to. 
 
 Plant. I wouldn't trust you. 
 
 Pearl. Good-bye, doctor, I wish you every success. 
 (shakes ha,nds and goes up stage) 
 
 Ruby. Good-bye! (pause) Bear Jack! (pause) I (going 
 to kiss him, catches her father's eye, aside to Plant) 
 I can't when you're looking. 
 
 Plant, (aside to her) Idiot! (aloud) Come, my pre- 
 cious jewels! 
 
 (Puts Ms arms round them, sioing Bus.) 
 
 The sunshine of my widowed home. Jack, a humble 
 place, but when you come to visit us at Southsea, you 
 will echo the words of the immortal bard, and join with 
 us in singing, (sings) "Ours is a happy little home! " 
 
 (Exit Plant, Ruby and Pearl, all quarrelling loudly.) 
 
 Doctor, (alone) What a strange man! I wonder why 
 he's pleaded my cause with Aunt Susannah? (looks at 
 aunt's picture, sitting end of sofa) Poor Aunt Susie, 
 when she was quite a girl she fell in love with a man 
 who turned out all wrong; that's why she's lived such 
 a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll do 
 all I can to give you a good time, (goes hack to micro- 
 scope) 
 
 (Enter Aurora.) 
 
 Aurora, (excitedly) If you please, doctor 
 
 Doctor. Don't bother me now, Aurora, I'm busy. 
 
 Aurora, (sadly) I don't want to bother you, sir, I've 
 come to give you teaming. 
 
 Doctor. You want to leave me? 
 
 Aurora. Never, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I 
 want to warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent 
 brought in his pocket. His friend let it off at that 
 picture, sir. 
 
 Doctor, (mystified) Let ivhat off? 
 
 Aurora. Detective camera, sir, an' 'e's comin' back 
 dressed up like 'er. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 35 
 
 Doctor, (smiling) Who is? 
 
 Aurora. 'Irft as 'is friend calls " Merry Andrew," sir. 
 
 Doctor, {rubbing his hands) Oh, is he? It's my pro- 
 fession to cure people, and I'll cure you, Master Merry 
 Andrew, of this insane love of practical joking, {thumps 
 on table) 
 
 Aurora. Do, sir, I don't believe there's no ailment, 
 male nor female, what you couldn't not cure, sir. 
 
 Doctor. Thank you, Aurora, {crosses to fire) 
 
 Aurora. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I 
 thought I'd best warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed 
 up, you might think it was — it was she — and — and be 
 disappointed, {half crying) 
 
 Doctor. So I should have been — very disappointed. 
 {looking at picture) Thank you very much. 
 
 Aurora. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. 
 It's now or never — I'll struggle with yer! (gets on chair, 
 looks over into mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts 
 them, on. pauses) I do 'ope Tupper was wrong; if 'e's 
 gorn and married 'er, I'm the miserablest girl in all 
 Pimlico — South Belgraviar, I mean, {jumps dotcn) 
 
 Doctor, {turning round and seeing her) What on 
 earth are you doing? Do you want to bring the house 
 down? 
 
 Aurora. I can't 'elp my weight, sir. 
 
 Doctor, (smiling) What a swell you look, Aurora! 
 
 Aurora, (effusively) 'E's seen my combs — my diamond 
 combs, (shakes head to make them sparkle) 
 
 Doctor, (laughing) Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those 
 paste things to wear for her party? 
 
 Aurora, (disappointed) No, sir, they ain't for Mrs. 
 O'Ara, and they ain't pastry things, (aside) 'E don't 
 know diamonds when 'e sees 'em! 
 
 Doctor. They're like those in my aunt's picture. 
 
 Aurora, (joyfully) Is that your h'aunt, sir? 
 
 Doctor. Yes. 
 
 Aurora. Ho! I h'am glad! (aside) There's 'ope, 
 there's 'ope! 
 
 Doctor. But those combs have gone out since that 
 picture was painted; you're a long way behind the times 
 — a long way. (bursts out laughing and rushes out) Ha! 
 ha! ha! 
 
 (Exit Doctor, r. i. e.) 
 
 Aurora, (alone, sobbing) I'm "gorn out" — " be'ind 
 the times," there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again 
 — takes them off) But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me. 
 Xpockets them) I shall die an old maid now — I can't 
 
36 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 wait till Tupper's growed up. Oh, it's an 'ard world for 
 us maids, a very 'ard world! , 
 
 (Exit Aurora, sobbing, l. u. e.) 
 
 Aunt, {heard off) Is Doctor Sheppard in? 
 
 Aurora, (heard off, sobbing) I'll see, mam, I'll s-ee! 
 
 (Enter Aurora, followed by Aunt Susannah.) 
 
 Aunt, (to her) What's the matter with you, my good 
 girl? (c. up stage) 
 
 Aurora, (sobbing) N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit 
 b-busier to-day than usual, that's all. 
 
 Aunt. Is this the doctor's consulting room? (looks 
 round with affectionate interest — sits at his table) 
 
 Aurora. One of 'em, mum — I expect 'e's in one of the 
 h'inner rooms, engaged with some patients, 'e's always 
 very busy on a Friday — you couldn't 'ave picked a worse 
 day to come and see the great Doctor, 'Ave you got 
 an appointment? 
 
 Aunt. I wrote to him. He expects me about this 
 time. 
 
 Aurora. Oh! (Bus. — mimicking her intonation) Then 
 I'll tell him. (knocks at door r. i. e.) A lady to see 
 you, sir. 
 
 Doctor, (heard off) All right! Tell him to take a 
 chair. 
 
 Aurora, (at door) It ain't an 'im, it's an 'er! 
 
 Doctor, (heard off, laughing) Oh, then tell her to 
 take the couch. 
 
 (Aunt crosses l. c, looks at tea-table.) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) The h'operating couch! Pore thing! 
 If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg! (looks at her sympathetic- 
 ally) 
 
 Aunt, (looking at picture over door) My picture! 
 How sweet of the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a hapry 
 time we shall have together. 
 
 Aurora, (coaxingly) If you please mum, the doctor 
 says as you're to take the couch, and he'll take your 
 case next, mum. (puts her arm round her waist and 
 walks her up to couch) 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 
 Aunt, (smiling) My case! (sits on sofa) 
 Aurora. Yes, buck up, mum! (slaps her on back) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 3T 
 
 Aunt, (amused, aside) Am I very pale, I wonder? 
 If I am, it's with the joy of looking forward to clasping 
 my dear brother's child in my arms. 
 
 AuKORA. {kindly) It'll soon be over. He'll be very 
 gentle with yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. {puts Tier 
 legs up) 
 
 {Enter Doctor.) 
 
 Doctor, {sotto voce) Damn good get-up. {loudly) 
 Damn good! 
 
 Aurora, {shocked) Oh, doctor! 
 
 Doctor, {to Aurora) Don't you see? It's the picture 
 — my Aunt Susie! {points to picture, then to her) 
 
 Aurora, {comes to join him. they stand c. backs to 
 audience, roars) So it is, an' I said, " If it ain't a h'arm, 
 it's a leg." {roars) 
 
 Doctor. It's both arms and both legs, Aurora, and we'll 
 have 'em off in a twinkling, {takes coat off, rolls up shirt 
 sleeves) 
 
 Aunt, {flabbergasted) Both arms! Both legs! 
 
 Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, 
 while I sharpen the knives, {sharpens two long knives 
 from case against each other) 
 
 Aunt {screams) Knives! Murder! Murder! Let 
 me out! 
 
 {Exit quickly.) 
 
 Doctor, {calls after her) Don't go — Old Soosie- 
 Toosie! 
 
 Aurora, {laughing) We've cured him, sir, we've cured 
 him! 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
38 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Scene. — Same as Act I. No time elapses. 
 
 Doctor, (alone) Good old Merry Andrew! What a 
 sight he looked! Fancy expecting me to take his lum- 
 bering carcase for my gentle aunt. Why, I could see 
 his trousers, {laughs, picks up hills, suddenly stops 
 laughing) I must sober down now and remember I'm 
 a married man with a lot of responsibilities — and no 
 money, not yet! But auntie's coming to-morrow — the 
 real aunt — coming like a good fairy to make everything 
 rosy! (looks at photo) Flo, dear little Flo! 
 
 (Bell.) 
 
 (not hearing hell, engrossed in photo) I'm longing to 
 tell you the good news! I'll write to you. (sits 
 and writes) " Dear Madam." (tears it xLp) I mean 
 " Darling Flo." (lorites) 
 
 (Enter Flora, shown in hy Aurora. She carries a hag 
 in each hand, and parcels under each arm.) 
 
 Aurora. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, 
 but 
 
 Doctor, (not hearing, writes) "What wouldn't I give 
 to have you here now." (takes out coppers) Sevenpence 
 ha-penny! 
 
 Flora, (slyly hehind him c.) Is Doctor Sheppard in? 
 
 Doctor, (ahsently) Good afternoon. Won't you sit 
 down? Now, what can I do for you? What's the 
 trouble, eh? 
 
 Flora. The trouble? 
 
 Doctor. Oh, it's my wife! (rushes into her arms) 
 Flo! 
 
 Flora. Jack! (kisses him) 
 
 Aurora, (gasps, aside) 'Appy patient! 
 
 (Exit Aurora.) 
 
 Doctor. Delighted to see you, my dear Flo — most un- 
 expected pleasure — only sorry you can't stop the night. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 2d 
 
 Flora, (surprised) Jack! I've come to stop for ever. 
 
 DocxoR. {releasing her suddenly) You can't — you 
 mustn't! 
 
 Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from 
 you, Jack. I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. 
 {falls in his arms) 
 
 Doctor. But you must live apart from me — for — for 
 a day or two. There's a lady coming to-morrow who 
 mustn't see you here for anything. 
 
 Flora, {by sofa c. ) A lady! The first day of our 
 honeymoon! Who is she? {pauses) A patient? 
 
 Doctor, {smiling and shaking his head) Better than 
 a hundred patients. 
 
 Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me — tell me at 
 once. 
 
 Doctor, {putting his arm round her assuredly) My 
 dear little wifle, she's only my maiden aunt. 
 
 Flora. Oh, Jack, are you sure she's a maiden aunt? 
 
 Doctor. Quite! Here's her letter, {crosses to sofa, 
 takes it from his pocket and gives it to her) Now are 
 you satisfied, jealous little woman? 
 
 Flora. Forgive me. Jack. I can't help being jealous 
 of everybody and everything — I love you so much! 
 
 Doctor, {round on to sofa) I know you do — and see 
 what luck you've brought me. {pointing to letter lohich 
 she is reading) I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we 
 followed Quayle's advice. Auntie's coming to-morrov/, 
 and she's going to do all that money can 
 
 Flora, {reading letter) To-day, Jack — she's coming 
 to-day. This letter was written yesterday. 
 
 Doctor, {suddenly) What a fool I am! V/here's the 
 Bradshaw? {crosses to table, turns over leaves of Brad- 
 shau\ hurriedly) Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, 
 Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we are! Good gracious! 
 She's nearly here! {crosses to Flo) Flo, it will never 
 do to greet her with a story of a secret marriage — she'd 
 be simply horrified! It's very hard to part — it's been a 
 short and unsatisfactory honeymoon, {kisses her) But — 
 Where's that Bradshaw? {crosses to table, fumbles to 
 find the place) Lowestoft? L! L! Where the devil 
 is L? 
 
 {Enter Aurora with letter.) 
 
 Aurora. 'Ere, sir — a letter for you, sir — and the boy's 
 waiting, (r. c.) 
 
 Doctor, {takes letter) Look out the next train, you 
 viust catch it! {throws Bradshaw to Flo) 
 
40 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 { Doctor reading letter — Flo reluctantly looking out 
 train, in Bradshaio, half crying.) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! 
 I see yer kiss 'im! They all kiss their dear doctor, 
 excep' me. (turns up her nose at Flo, crosses k. of 
 table c. ) 
 
 Flora, (glancing at Aurora) I don't like the look of 
 that girl. (sta7-ts) She's reading his letter, and / haven't 
 seen it* 
 
 Aurora, (to Doctor) Any answer, sir? 
 
 Doctor. Yes, I'll write a note to this lady. 
 
 Flora, (jealously) A lady! 
 
 Aurora, (aside, reading the letter) I'll learn 'er 
 bloomin' symptoms — I must be 'is patient. 
 
 Flora, (watching her) The forward minx! (shuts 
 Bradshaio with a hang) I won't go back to Lowestoft. 
 A wife's place is by her husband's side, (takes her hat 
 off and sits twisting Bradshaw, viciously) 
 
 Doctor. Give the boy this. 
 
 Aurora. Yes, sir. (takes note, crosses to Flo) Can I 
 show you your place — 
 
 (Flo indignant.) 
 
 — in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the 
 A. B. C. 
 
 Flora, (haughtily, snatching it back) No, thank you 
 — I can manage myself. 
 
 Aurora, (aside) Can yer? I'll struggle with yer — 
 I've learnt 'er symptoms, (as she goes out) Impudent 
 'ussy! — kissing the dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, 
 my gal! 
 
 (Exit Aurora.) 
 
 Flora, (looking at Doctor, who is absorbed reading 
 letter) He's forgotten me already, (pause) 
 
 Doctor, (rubbing his hands) Good business! Call on 
 you this evening, my dear lady — of course I will! I 
 wish it was time now. (looks at watch) 
 
 Flora, (jealously) Who's that letter from, Jack? 
 (kneels on sofa) 
 
 Doctor. A lady in Grosvenor Road. 
 
 Flora. How long have you knoton her? 
 
 Doctor. I've never seen her yet. 
 
 Flora. Who is she? (stands) 
 
 Doctor. A patient, Flo — my first — at last! 
 
 Flora, (with a sigh of relief) Oh, only that! 
 
 Doctor. " Only that! " My dear Flo, a doctor's wife 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 41 
 
 can't afford to be jealous. You'll frighten away all my 
 most paying patients. 
 
 Flora. Oh, no, Jack, I won't, (runs and kneels by 
 him) I'll try and look as if I liked them, but I can't 
 help being jealous. My jealousy's only love the wrong 
 side up — that's all. 
 
 DocTOK. I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first 
 case has come when you were here. You are a mascotte 
 indeed! {stoops and kisses her) 
 
 Flora. If I stop, I'm sure lots and lots and lots will 
 come. 
 
 Doctor, (not noticing, ahsorhed in letter) This is the 
 very case I've always been hoping for, and I've got it 
 at last! Just look at the gold crest, and the thick 
 paper. No, don't read it. Oh, it's worth three guineas 
 a week, if it's worth a penny, and it's a three years' 
 job — bar accidents. 
 
 Flora. What's she got? 
 
 Doctor. Hysterical paraplegia — she's afflicted with all 
 sorts of abnormal fancies and longings. 
 
 [Front door bell rings.) 
 
 Flora, (jumping up suddenly from her knees) Who's 
 that? Another lady afflicted with all sorts of longings? 
 
 Doctor, (seriously, rubbing his hands) I hope so — 
 devoutly, (rises suddenly) By George! If it's auntie!- 
 She mustn't find you here. 
 
 Flora, (running about aimlessly) Where shall I go? 
 (crosses l., runs towards bathroom r. u. e.) 
 
 Doctor, (stopping her) Not in my bedroom! 
 
 Flora. Why not? I'm your ivife! 
 
 Doctfr. Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to 
 take her things off, and if she found you there, the 
 whole story'd have to come out, and she might think 
 it was a fairy tale, and that would be awful! I know — 
 on my operating couch. 
 
 Flora, (shrieks) Ach! Operating! 
 
 (Runs down o. p., crosses r. corner and then round table 
 c, followed by Doctor.) 
 
 Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! (takes up 
 rug) I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's 
 something anatomical. She'll never suspect it's my 
 blushing bride. 
 
 Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing 
 bride? She's sure to find me here. 
 
 Doctor. No, no, she won't! 
 
 Flora. She rvill! I'm so conspicuous! (sits on sofa) 
 
42 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Doctor. Tlie more conspicuous the better, when you 
 want to hide anything. It disarms suspicion, (down 
 stage) 
 
 Flora, {jumps off couch, and stalks dotcn to Mm in a 
 toivering rage) Jack! You've done this before!! 
 
 Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all 
 will come right, (drags her hack and covers her up) 
 
 Flora, (popping her head out) Oh, hubby, are you 
 sure we're properly married? 
 
 Doctor. Quite. Lie still, (same Bus.) 
 
 Flora, (same Bus.) It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, 
 it's a horrid, horrid wedding day! (kicks and disar- 
 ranges rug) 
 
 Doctor, (putting it back) She's coming! Lie still, 
 do lie still! Flo, please — for my sake! Do lie quite 
 still— 
 
 (Flo kicks.) 
 
 and don't kick. 
 
 (Enter Plant.)* 
 
 Plant. My dear cousin Jack! (putting out his hand) 
 I'm so glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather 
 a delicate nature. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Oh, Lord! (looks at couch nervously 
 — to Plant) I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call 
 some other time, could you? (feels his pulse) 
 
 Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me — it's 
 not me — it's my precious jewels. I've left them lying 
 in their room, their sobs were distressing to hear, they 
 are suffering terribly. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Another case! Quayle's right again! 
 They're flowing in. 
 
 Plant, (aside) Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll 
 get on better without 'em. (aloud) They are both — 
 (sobs) — both 
 
 Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll 
 come at once, (putting on his hat) 
 
 Plant. No, you misunderstand me — they are simply 
 overcome with the way — to use their own phrase — the 
 " affectionate " way in which you received them this 
 afternoon. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) And Flo can hear every word. It's 
 all up! 
 
 Plant. They can talk of nothing else. 
 
 (Doctor pulls Plant's coat.) 
 
 It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, (same Bus.) Ah, you 
 have robbed me of my precious jewels. 
 
01! ! SUSANNAH ! 43, 
 
 DocTon. (f/lancing nervously at couch, with assumed 
 levity) Nonsense! 
 
 Plant, (indignant) It's not nonsense at all, it's very 
 serious. Heaven forbid that I should speak harshly to 
 a young man with a rich — ahem! — future — but as their 
 father — from whom they have never had a secret all 
 
 their blameless lives (crosses u.) I tell you, sir, 
 
 you have broken ttco hearts in one afternoon. 
 
 Doctor, (gloomily) Oh, good afternoon! (sits at 
 tabic) 
 
 Flora, (aside) I shall go home by the next train. 
 
 Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, 
 and all for you, sir — all for you! (cross l., waves his 
 stick excitedly) 
 
 Doctor, (half to himself) I can't commit bigamy. 
 
 Plant. I don't ask you to marry both — (ivhacks) — of 
 them, but one or the other you must — (whacks) — and 
 shall — (ivhacks on table)— after all you have said and 
 done, (up) Now, my dear sir, (uxtlking about waving 
 his stick c. ) I speak to you as a bachelor — (ivhacks rug 
 with walking stick) — without encumbrances, (whacks) 
 What have you got there? (whacks) 
 
 Doctor, (gets up) My encumbr er — my model! (r. 
 
 of chair) 
 
 Plant. Your model? 
 
 Doctor, (intercepting him) Yes, my ana 
 
 Plant. Anna? 
 
 Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break 
 it — and these things cost money, you know. 
 
 Plant. I accept your explanation — without prejudice. 
 Well, to return to our muttons — I mean my poor Iambs — 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Oh. damn your lambs! (crosses l.) 
 
 Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your in- 
 tentions? 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Can't tell him I'm married — he'd tell 
 auntie. 
 
 Plant, (severely) Answer me, sir — what are your 
 intentions with regard to my two daughters? (Bus. 
 Flo.) 
 
 Doctor, (sofa, aside) If he wasn't my fairy prince, 
 I'd brain him! (spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused) 
 Flo's hat! Oh — er — honourable, you know — strictly 
 honourable, (tries to hide Flo's hat) 
 
 Plant, (pointing to Flo's hat) What is that, sir? 
 (works right round sofa) 
 
 Doctor, (folloiving) A lady's hat, sir. 
 
 Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. (seizes hat and toaves it) 
 You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one 
 single thought, two hats — hearts that beat for Jack. 
 
44 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Doctor, (to Plant) I'm deceiving no one — that hat 
 belongs to one of my patients. 
 
 Plant, (aside) A patient, indeed! He's got none. 
 (goes for hat) 
 
 Doctor. A lady in whose case I take the deepest in- 
 terest. Can't tell you — it would be a breach of profes- 
 sional etiquette. 
 
 Plant, (goes to Doctor over r.. throws his hat and 
 stick on sofa) Ah, now you're talking business. The 
 legal and medical professions are sisters, and should 
 have no secrets. 
 
 Doctor, (shakes his head) No, no, it's a delicate case. 
 (Bus.) 
 
 Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can 
 be of any assistance to you — (aside) — or you to me—. 
 (aloud) I'm at your service. Proceed. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) I'll break it to him gently why I 
 can't marry his daughters, (to Plant) Well, to begin 
 with, she's a married woman 
 
 Plant. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny 
 in hats. 
 
 Doctor, (airily) Oh, he can afford it. (speaks low 
 so that Flo can't hear) He's a great friend of mine — in 
 fact, the greatest friend I have in all the world. 
 
 Plant, (loudly) Then what's his wife's hat doing 
 here? 
 
 Doctor, (aside) That's just like a d — — d lawyer! 
 (softly) Don't you see, they married secretly, without 
 her parents' consent, and she went back to her people, 
 and — and time went on — and at last she could bear it 
 no longer, so this afternoon she came up to town to 
 find her husband 
 
 Plant. Your greatest friend? 
 
 Doctor. Er — precisely! 
 
 Plant, (aside) It's that lieutenant in the navy. I 
 must remember that. 
 
 Doctor. And she came straight to me, and she had a 
 fit of hysteria and she fell 
 
 Plant. Fell? 
 
 Doctor. Yes — in my arms. 
 
 Plant. Sir! 
 
 Doctor. Fainted — fainted! And now she's lying 
 down, and the question is, when she recovers, where 
 is she to go? 
 
 Plant. Go? To her husband, of course! Where 
 is he? 
 
 Doctor. Ah, that's the question! 
 
 Flora, (aside, popping her head out) I've got the 
 cramp! I shall shriek in a minute. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 45 
 
 Plant, (aside) I'll put him under an obligation, (to 
 Doctor — effusively, loudly) My dear cousin, my door is 
 ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner 
 of that hat 
 
 Doctor. No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't 
 hear of it. The fair owner of that hat is perfectly 
 comfortable where she is. 
 
 (Doctor a7id Plant up.) 
 
 Flora. Ooh! (sits up) 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 
 She's not a bit comfortable where she is. Doctor Shep- 
 pard! 
 
 Plant, (aside) Ah, the old story! (crosses r. of 
 table) 
 
 Flora. I've got pins and needles. 
 
 Doctor. My poor child, let me (goes to her o. p. 
 
 side of table) 
 
 Flora. Go away — don't touch me. (lies on couch, rub- 
 bing her leg, aside to Doctor) I'm not your poor child 
 any longer. I shall get the registrar to cancel our 
 certificate. 
 
 Plant, (to Doctor, who comes doivn c, looking miser- 
 able) So that's your anatomical model, eh? Your 
 friend's wife? You Don Juan! (digs him in ribs. In 
 his ear) " These things cost money, you know." (laughs 
 — to Doctor) If it comes to a divorce, look me up. I'll 
 pull you through on reduced terms. 
 
 Doctor. No, no, you don't understand. 
 
 (To Flo, w7io comes down between them) 
 
 Are you all right now? 
 
 Flora, (coldly, crossing from him to Plant) Yes, 
 thank you. Doctor Sheppard. (aside) Now I'll find out 
 all about Jack and these precious jewels! (crosses r. 
 to Plant) I accept your kind offer of hospitality, sir. 
 
 (Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits 
 down R.) 
 
 Plant, (aside) He'll have to marry my daughter 
 after this, (goes to Flo) 
 
 Doctor, (aside) I hate letting her go with Plant, but 
 p'raps it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see 
 
46 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 auntie. I must get 'em off before she comes. (to 
 Plant) My fairy prince, how can I thank you for this 
 double act of Icindness? 
 
 (Slaps Mm hard on the hack — Plant doudles up with 
 lumbago.) 
 
 Don't double up like that — you might be struck so. I'm 
 more grateful to you {same Bus.) than I can express. 
 {same Bu.s again) I've moved him at last! Good! 
 
 (Doctor goes to Flo, icho crosses l. to sofa at once.) 
 
 Plaxt. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young 
 lady, allow me. Your hat. {hands Flo hat fro^n off sofa, 
 watching Doctor — to Flo) Ah, he's a sad dog, always 
 full of fun!" That's why all the girls are so madly in 
 love with him. 
 
 Flora, {severely) They must be mad to be in love 
 with him! {at sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in 
 mirror) 
 
 Plaxt. (aside) Tired of him already. She'll be 
 wanting to go back to her husband — good business for 
 the lawyer — (rubs his hands) — and especially for yours 
 truly, (goes up in front of mirror — crosses round sofa) 
 I must find out what her husband's name is. I'm quite 
 ready when you are. my dear Mrs. — er — Mrs. 
 
 Doctor, (crosses c. quickly, aside to Plant) Garden — 
 better call her Miss Garden for the present. 
 
 Plaxt. (aside to Doctor) I say, this mustn't be used 
 against me in evidence. It's only for your sake, you 
 gay dog! (offers his arm to Flo) Come, my dear Miss 
 Garden — you must confide in me as in a second father. 
 
 (She takes his arm.) 
 
 Doctor, (aside) I hope she won't! 
 
 Plant, (at door) I say, Jack — "a lady in whose case 
 I take the deepest interest! " (nods towards her) 
 
 Doctor, (to Flora, as they go out) Flo! Speak to me. 
 
 Flora, (going — angry) No, I won't speak to you. 
 
 Plant, (as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor) 
 No, sir, we won't speak to you. 
 
 (Exit with Flora.) 
 
 (Bell rings.) 
 
 Doctor, (alone) I should like to have that gentleman 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 47 
 
 for a surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. 
 Those girls are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only 
 knows what they'll say! I wonder if they're really in 
 love with me? No! not likely. I'm not the sort of 
 fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love 
 with me except Flo — dear jealous little Flo! Ah, well, 
 I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know 
 she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, 
 and only one. 
 
 (Exit R. I. E.) { 
 
 (Enter Auboka, folloived by Aunt.) 
 
 Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy. 
 
 Aunt, (aside) I'm calmer now! (her lips are set, and 
 she looks anything but calm) And I'll make him explain 
 his outrageous conduct, (crosses right round writing 
 table) 
 
 Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum — and I'll tell the 
 doctor 
 
 AirNT. (xoith suppressed indignation) Engaged with 
 some poor suffering patient, I presume? (sits) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) I don't like her tone of voice, (comes 
 down and looks in her face — aside) It's 'im! (aloud) Is 
 the doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? 
 What's your complaint, eh? (taps her on the shoulder) 
 
 Aunt, (indignantly) My complaint? You! (shoves 
 her away) Go and tell the doctor that I am here, at 
 once. 
 
 Aurora, (not moving) Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What 
 name, ehl (same Bus.) 
 
 Aunt, (loudly) No name. 
 
 AtTRORA. (not moving) Oh, the doctor won't see no 
 lady without no name. 'E's very particular. 
 
 Aunt, (icith suppressed rage) Then tell him Susie- 
 Toosie wants to see him. (crosses sofa and sits) 
 
 Aurora. Oh! what ho! (laughing) Susie-Toosie — oh, 
 if it's that you needn't wait. Come along, outside. 
 (tries to pull her out of her chair) 'Op it! 
 
 (Enter Doctor. Aurora stops suddenly.) 
 
 Doctor, (surprised) Aurora! 
 
 Aurora, (to him) It's Susie-Toosie, sir. (laughs) 
 Come back again. 
 
 Doctor, (laughing) So it is. Go on, Aurora, turn it 
 out. that thing's my aunt, (sings) "For she's a jolly 
 good fellow." 
 
 (Bell rings.) 
 
48 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 ArRORA. (leaving go of Aunt) Drat that bell, it's 
 spoilt my day. 
 
 {Exit Aurora.) 
 
 Doctor, (quietly) Look here, you merry Andrew — ' 
 take your hair off. (pulls it) Oh, by George! he has 
 stuck it on tight! (pulls it harder) 
 
 Au.NT. (indignantly) Sir! 
 
 Doctor. Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about 
 you. I'll make him jealous, (sings) "There were two 
 jolly sailor girls from Portsmouth town " — the little 
 one makes eyes at me. But it's the tall one I like, she 
 calls me " dear Jack." Oh, she's dead gone on me. 
 Her father wants me to marry her. (aside) That's shut 
 him up! (aloud) And look here, you've got to take your 
 hook. I'm fagged out after my railway journey — I'm 
 going to have a bath before she comes — you know I'm 
 a great believer in the water cure. 
 
 (Takes off his frock coat and throics it down, goes to 
 hath room, turns on hot and cold taps in sight of 
 audience, noise of water fioicing into hath.) 
 
 Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass. (shies some- 
 thing at her at the last ivord) 
 
 (Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.) 
 
 You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but 
 a lunatic would take you for one. Hurry up and get 
 some decent togs' on, and come back for me at 7:30. Do 
 you hear, you old joker, it's no use keeping it up 
 
 (Aunt sits motionless.) 
 
 Oh, well, I can't wait, (iindoes his hraces) But look 
 here, if you don't clear out before she comes I'll break 
 every bone in your body. Au reservoir! 
 
 (Doctor exits into bath-room.) 
 
 Aunt, (crosses to table) And that is my brother's 
 only child! A shameless monster, lost to all sense of 
 decency, and carrying on with two sailor girls! Hor- 
 rible! But after all, he's my nephew and I must do 
 my duty by him. What is my duty, I wonder? (comes 
 hack and sits on sofa) His father was such a gentle 
 soul, and to think that this brutal ruffian is his son. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 49 
 
 (Enter Tuppeb.) 
 
 TuppER. (looks round, sees no one, hears splashing in 
 next room) 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a 
 quiet smoke, (picks cigarette end off ash tray) 
 
 AvxT. (to herself) Oh, my poor head! 
 
 TuppER. (starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth) 
 Summat wrong with yer 'ead? 
 
 Aunt. Go away, you horrid boy! 
 
 TuppER. The doctor'Il cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, 
 but 'e's 'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great 
 believer in the water cure. He says if we 'ad cleaner 
 bodies we'd 'ave cleaner minds — do yo^i 'old with that? 
 I spec he'll give you the water cure. I say — you must 
 pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney. Goes on tick 
 for everythink. 'Ave you got a light? 
 
 Axtnt. Go away! 
 
 TuppEB. All right, no offence, (gets match from man- 
 telpiece) The doctor could make lots of money if he'd 
 only try, but 'e don't. 'E just lies on that couch all 
 day reading books with 'orrible pictures of people 
 'aving their arms and legs chopped orf, and such like. 
 (coming round) This is the wust — ain't it blood-curd- 
 ling? But the lady don't seem to mind — she looks quite 
 calm and peaceful-like, don't she? (shows Aunt the 
 hook) 
 
 Aunt. Take it away, you dreadful boy! 
 
 TuppER. All right — keep your 'air on. (goes up stage) 
 'E's wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 
 'ere knives, golly! ain't they sharp! (trying one) 'E'd 
 slice yer up as soon as look at yer, and yet no patients 
 don't come. Why's that? Do you think 'e's too expen- 
 sive — it's a pound a time. 
 
 (Bell rings.) 
 
 I say, the proper way is to leave it in a h'envelope on 
 this 'ere table. Don't forget, 'cos there 'ere clothes 
 ain't paid for yet, and if they ain't to-day, they're 
 a-comin' orf. 
 
 Aunt. You rude boy! Go! (sits in grandfather's 
 chair) 
 
 TuppER. (aside) "Well, it ain't my fault if 'e don't get 
 on! I says all I can! 
 
 (Exit TuppER R. I. E. above table.) 
 
 (Enter Ruby atid Pearl, shown in by Aurora — they 
 don't see Aunt.) 
 4 
 
go OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor, {goes towards bath-room 
 door) 
 
 (Splashing heard.) 
 
 He's very busy — but 
 
 (Louder splashing.) 
 
 Ruby. Pray don't disturb him. 
 
 (Bell rings.) 
 
 Pearl. We don't want to see him just yet. We'll wait. 
 
 (Exit Aurora.) 
 
 That stupid cabman never suspected anything. He 
 called him " Mum." 
 
 (Both laugh.) 
 
 Ruby. Let's bring her in now, before Jack comes in. 
 
 (Enter Aurora, followed hy Flo.) 
 
 Aurora. I'll tell the doctor, (goes to hath room) E's 
 very busy now — but 
 
 (Splashing heard.) 
 
 Flora, (to Aurora) Not yet — I want to speak to these 
 ladies first. 
 
 Ruby, (hacking doivn stage astonished, to Pearl) 
 Miss Garden! What does she want to come for — and 
 spoil our fun? 
 
 Pearl, (to Flo) You said you had a headache, and 
 were going to lie down. 
 
 Ruby, (to Flo) Yes, that was only an excuse for 
 coming to see Jack. 
 
 Aunt, (aside) She calls him Jack! 
 
 Aurora, (aside) I must 'ear this — it's all for 'im. 
 (stays at hack, pretending to tidy) 
 
 Flora. It was no excuse at all. I was pulling the 
 blind down to darken the room, when I saw you two 
 horrid things crossing the road to this house — when you 
 said you were going shopping. That was only an ex- 
 cuse to come and flirt with my Jack! 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 51 
 
 AuxT. (aside) Oh, he's her Jack, is he? 
 
 Flora. And I followed you, though my head's split- 
 ting, for I love him with all my heart, and I won't let 
 anyone come between us. 
 
 (Aurora gasps.) 
 
 RrnY. You brazen girl, and you're married to his 
 greatest friend! 
 
 Flora. I'm not! (descends on Ruby) 
 
 Ruby. You Tcnoio you are! Pa said so! 
 
 Flora. Did he? Then he basely betrayed my hus- 
 band's sacred confidence, {crosses back again) 
 
 Pearl, (with sarcasm) Your husband's sacred confi- 
 dence! If you're really a respectable married woman, 
 my dear Miss Garden, instead of coming here to slan- 
 der my father, you'd better go back and lie down. 
 
 Flora. And leave you alone with my Jack? No, 
 thank you! What are you. I'd like to know? Two 
 horrid fast girls who ran away with two young men 
 only this morning, and had to be locked up. 
 
 AuxT. (aside) And these are my nephew's friends! 
 
 Flora. And you picked the lock with a hairpin, and 
 came here all alone to flirt with my Jack! 
 
 Ruby. Your Jack? How dare you! (crosses to Flo 
 and comes back) He's my Jack! 
 
 (Aurora gasps again.) 
 
 Aunt, (aside) Oh, he's her Jack now! It gets worse 
 and worse! 
 
 Pearl. To be strictly accurate. Doctor Sheppard is 
 our Jack! 
 
 Aunt, (aside) Our Jack! This is too much! 
 
 (Aurora gasps louder.) 
 
 Flora. What do you mean? 
 
 Pearl. It is my father's wish that one of us should 
 marry him. 
 
 Aurora, (screams) Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to 
 marry my Jack! (coining doivn — falls on her knees 
 facing audience c.) 
 
 Aunt, (aside) Her Jack! That's four of them! They 
 all love Jack! 
 
 Flora, (to Aurora) Your Jack! 
 
 Aurora, (kneeling) Yuss! I love 'im with a secret 
 passion and I don't care who knows it! (rises) 
 
52 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 AuxT. It's a perfect harem! {maTces Tier escape to- 
 loards door and 
 
 (Exits, still unobserved.) 
 
 AuROEA. (c.) Don't you think because I'm only a 
 servant, a common slavey with £5 a year and a 'alf a 
 pound o' sugar a week, that I'm a-goin' to 'ave the dear 
 doctor took from me! 
 
 Flora. How dare you love him! 
 
 Aurora. And why not? 'Cos I wears a cap? Look 
 'ere! you three girls is all settin' your caps at 'im. I'm 
 in it too. {throivs down cap) — and I chucks darn the 
 gimlet. 
 
 Pearl. You little stupid! 
 
 Aurora, {crying) Yuss! I know I'm a little stupid, 
 but which o' you would put yer 'ole soul into cleanin' 
 'is boots, as / does? Which o' you would buy 'im 
 wittles out o' yer perks as I does? I may be a little 
 stoopid, but I loves 'im more than all of yer put together, 
 and I'll struggle with yer, see if I don't! 
 
 {Exit Aurora.) 
 
 Ru^BY. {to Flo) Are you going, Miss Garden, or are 
 you not? 
 
 Pearl. It'll make your headache much worse if you 
 stay here. 
 
 Flora. I shall ask the doctor to give me something 
 to send it away, {makes herself comfortable on sofa, 
 back to Pearl) 
 
 Pearl, {to Ruby) Isn't she a spiteful little cat! 
 
 Ruby, (to Pearl) Never mind, she shan't interfere 
 with our fun; we can't leave those two sitting in that 
 four-wheeler all day. (rises, comes to Pearl) 
 
 Pearl. No, come along, we'll go and tell " auntie " 
 to come in. 
 
 (Exeunt Ruby and Pearl.) 
 
 Flora, (aside) I'll make Jack explain about those 
 girls, or I'll break off our — our honeymoon; they talk as 
 if he was engaged to both of them. Now I know why 
 he was so desperately anxious to hide me when their 
 father called. 
 
 (Enter Doctor, in pyjamas and eccentric Turkish 
 dressing gown, rubbing his head with a towel — Flo 
 doesn't see Mm.) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 53 
 
 Oh, Jack, Jack, I never thought you'd turn. out such a 
 monster as this! 
 
 Doctor, (surprised to see her) Good afternoon, (fum- 
 hles for his eye-glass, which is hanging down his back) 
 
 What can I do for (recognizes her) My darling tvife! 
 
 This is a pleasant surprise. 
 
 Flora, (starting up) Go away, you object! (crosses 
 R. ) It's not a pleasant surprise, and I'm not your wife 
 any longer! I know all — oh, Jack! 
 
 Doctor, (aside) Those precious jewels have said 
 something. Confound them! (advancing to her, timidly) 
 My dear Flo, if you will only give me time, I can ex- 
 plain everything! 
 
 Flora, (eagerly) Oh, do. Jack, do! (rushes into his 
 arms) 
 
 (Enter Ruby and Pearl.) 
 
 Ruby, (seeing Doctor and Flo together) Oh, we 
 didn't know you were engaged. 
 
 Pearl. There's another lady wants to see you. 
 
 Flora, (jealously) Another lady? (turns aicay) 
 
 Doctor, (eagerly) In hysterics? 
 
 Pearl. No — in a four-wheeler. 
 
 Ruby. She said she'd rung twice, but couldn't make 
 anyone hear. 
 
 Doctor. Tupper's never awake when the bell rings. 
 I'll discharge that boy — at least my half of him! 
 
 Ruby. I told her I'd see if you were disengaged, and 
 she scribbled her name on her card; here it is. (reads) 
 Miss Susannah Sheppard! 
 
 Doctor and Flora. Auntie! 
 
 Doctor, (to Flo) She mustn't see me like this — 
 (looks at the dressing gown) — and she mustn't see you 
 at all, you must fly! 
 
 Flora, (clinging to Jack, who is pale and agitated) 
 Oh, Jack! I can't go and leave you with them, (look- 
 ing at Ruby and Pearl) Can't you say that I'm one of 
 your patients? 
 
 Doctor. Good idea, how clever of you. Get back 
 there, (on operating couch) 
 
 Ruby. Oh, what fun! Let's all be patients! (nudges 
 Pearl) 
 
 (Ruby and Pearl sit down and pretend to he suffering.) 
 
 Doctor, (to girls) All right! All be patients. It'll 
 impress auntie, (takes off dressing-gown and flings it 
 
C4 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 into hath-room, is just going in — stops) No! No time 
 to change, \snatches Ms frock coat off chair, and buttons 
 it over his pyjamas) Remember! This is the supreme 
 moment of my life. Whatever I say to you — whatever 
 I do to you^you mustn't mind. 
 
 Ruby and Pearl. We won't, (stifling a laugh) 
 
 Doctor. Hush! 
 
 (Enter Andrew dressed as Aunt, followed by Waverly.) 
 
 (to Andrew) My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. 
 Won't you sit down? (leads him doivn to sofa) 
 
 (Pearl runs to Waverly, and drags him down o. p. 
 corner. ) 
 
 Pearl. Come and sit here! Pretend to be a patient! 
 Waver. Why? 
 
 (Pearl explains in dumb shoiv.) 
 
 Doctor, (at settee to Andrew) I must apologize for 
 this worn-out attire — I'm always worn out on Friday, 
 my worst day. I wish you'd come any other day. No! 
 I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad you've come 
 to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so busy I can't talk 
 to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully 
 glad, of course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you! 
 No, no, of course I don't mean that — I mean — I don't 
 quite know what I do mean. You see it's Friday — oh! 
 what a fool she must think me! Will you excuse me 
 just two minutes while I settle off a few patients? 
 
 (Trio 1st laugh — Doctor crosses quickly to them.) 
 
 (aside to them, softly) Don't laugh at her! and don't 
 look so beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do some- 
 thing ! 
 
 (Bus. — Ruby makes a sling for her arm out of her 
 handkerchief.) 
 
 (crosses quickly back to Aunt) I'm so sorry to keep you 
 waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with 
 a book or something? (goes to couch at back, fetches 
 " Quayle on Muscles'' comes back quickly to Aunt, 
 opens it) Here you are. (shuts it quickly and shies 
 it down, aside) What do ladies read? 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 55 
 
 (Crosses quickly to Pearl, who is reading " Pink 'Un," 
 snatches it from her.) 
 
 Thank you very much, (crosses quickly to Aunt) Here 
 you are, aunt, this is a lady's paper! {gives it to her 
 and runs to Fi.o at back— aside anxiously) I'll explain 
 everything when they've gone! {loudly, holding her 
 hand) Ah! your nerves are run down a little, {goes to 
 medicine chest) 
 
 (Trio 2nd laugh.) 
 
 Confound those Plant girls — I'll pay them out! {flings 
 roll of lint at Peakl, then pours sal volatile from bottle 
 into measuring glass, then into tumbler, adds a little 
 water — to Flo) There! drink that! You'll soon be 
 better. 
 
 {During this Bus. Pearl picks up roll of lint, puts a 
 bandage round Waverly's face — Ruby steals across 
 stage and kisses Andrew — Doctor turns round just 
 after.) 
 
 Ruby. (c. confused, comes to table) Could you take 
 my case next, doctor? I'm so bad! 
 
 Doctor. You are. (Bus. — with stethoscope) I mean — 
 with pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, (icrites) 
 I should advise a long voyage with a tnerry companion. 
 
 (Andrew shakes his fist at Doctor unobserved by him.) 
 
 Better start at once, {hands her prescription, saying 
 aside) Go! {rings bell on table) 
 
 {Enter Tupper.) 
 
 Show this lady to her carriage, Tupper. 
 
 (Rudy doesn't move from table.) 
 
 (aside) Go! Go! What are you waiting for? 
 
 Ruby, (aside to him, stifling a laugh) My sister, of 
 course. I'm not going to leave her here, (crosses c, 
 then on to Andrew) 
 
 Doctor. Pray don't. 
 
 (Doctor rushes at Pearl, who is hobbling across stage 
 on WA^'ERLY's walking stick and takes stick from her. ) 
 
 (aside) Do you want to give me away to my aunt? 
 
56 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 (then loudly) I'll write to your school mistress about 
 you. I think a little physical treatment locally applied 
 (brandishing stick) will put you right very soon. Good 
 afternoon, (aside) Go! Go! both of you! (rings bell) 
 
 (Re-enter Tuppeb.) 
 
 More carriages for this lady, Tupper. (to Pearl) You 
 needn't wait, little girl. 
 
 Pearl. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called 
 a little girl! (goes to Ruby) 
 
 (Bell rings.) 
 
 Doctor, (getting desperate) Shall I never get rid of 
 'em! (rushes at Vane and grips him by the arm) I'll 
 take you next, sir. (loudly) 
 
 (Waverly laughs.) 
 
 Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see 
 through it soon, (punches him on back) 
 
 (Wavebly cries out.) 
 
 Ah, it's still there! (loudly) That'll have to come out! 
 (punches him harder) 
 
 (Waverly cries louder.) 
 
 Yes! (severely) We must remove that at once. Step 
 into my operating room. 
 
 (Drags him off to bath-room — opens door, turns on taps 
 and leaves them running. Waverly runs back to his 
 chair, Doctor runs back after him.) 
 
 Come along, now — be a man! 
 
 Waver. Not to-day, thank you all the same. 
 
 (Enter Aunt, shown in by Tupper.) 
 
 Aunt. (c. ) I'll give him one last chance. 
 
 Doctor, (seeing her — rushes at her — aside to her) 
 Take 'em off, you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I 
 say, or I'll take 'em off for you! 
 
 (Andrew starts up and takes his bonnet and wig off.) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 57 
 
 Andrew, (calls loudly) Jack! Jack! 
 
 (Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pusJies Aunt 
 into hath-room — she falls head foremost into hath, her 
 heels go up — loud splash. Doctor bangs door, turns 
 round, sees Andrew.) 
 
 Doctor, (aghast) Merry Andrew!!! 
 
 Andrew. Yes, Dull Boy! 
 
 Doctor. Then who's in here? (opens door) 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 
 Andrew. Oh! Susannah! 
 
 (Flo rushes into bath-room and shuts door quickly.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
58 • OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Scene. — The same as Acts I and II. 
 
 (Doctor discovered alone, in frock coat and pyjama 
 trousers, and just going to knock at bath-room door.) 
 
 Doctor, (hand up, listening) I must apologize to her! 
 No, I simply daren't, (conies doion c.) It was such an 
 awful thing to do, I'll — I'll wait till Flo comes out to — 
 to tell me how she is. (listens) No, I can't. I know! 
 I'll go to her in my professional capacity! (puts on high 
 hat, and does to door, just going to knock, looks at 
 pyjamas) I can't go in these. Where are my trousers? 
 (looks round) Of course, in there! (points to bath- 
 room) I know! I'll go to ask for my trousers! (same 
 Bus. — about to knock) No that's a silly idea! I'm 
 losing my wits. (comes down c. and sits at writing 
 table) Suppose something happens to her? There'll be 
 an inquest, and it'll be all in the papers: " Brutal Con- 
 duct of a West End Doctor.." Oh, my cup of misery 
 is full! 
 
 (Enter Aurora with telegram.) 
 
 Aurora, (to Doctor) Here you are, doctor — a tele- 
 gram for you, sir. We are busy to-day! 
 
 Doctor, (opens telegram, starts, aside) From my 
 father-in-law. (reads to himself) "Have learnt from 
 local registrar your cowardly conduct in eloping with 
 my daughter — am on my way to London to horsewhip 
 you." 
 
 Aurora, (cheerily) Any answer, sir? (c.) 
 
 Doctor, (gloomily) No! It's nothing — only an ap- 
 pointment — I shan't keep it. 
 
 Aurora. Don't look so sad, sir. 
 
 (Music upstairs heard off, some appropriate music-hall 
 tune. ) 
 
 You go h'upstairs to the tea-fight. 'Ere's yer invite. 
 (takes card off mantel) There's plenty to eat and drink 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 59 
 
 and nothin' to pay; you done quite enough work for 
 one day, sir. 
 Doctor. Quite! 
 
 (Bath-room bell rings.) 
 
 Aurora, (mystified) That's your bath-room bell a- 
 ringing, sir. 
 Doctor, (funereally) Yes! Answer it. 
 Aurora, (hesitating) "Who's inside, sir? 
 Doctor. Two ladies. 
 Aurora. Two of 'em — oh, doctor! 
 
 (Enter Flo, from bath-room, with bundle of Aunt's 
 clothes, dripping wet.) 
 
 Doctor, (penitently) My dear Flo, let me help you! 
 
 Flora, (indignantly to Doctor) Don't touch me! I 
 wonder you aren't ashamed to. This is your work! 
 (crosses to Aurora quietly) Take these, and dry them 
 as quickly as possible! 
 
 Doctor. Flo! My darling, won't you give me one 
 word? 
 
 Flora. Brute! 
 
 (Exit Flo. into bathroom, banging door after her.) 
 
 Doctor. Got it! 
 
 Aurora. Oh, sir, what 'ave you been a-doin' of? 
 
 Doctor. Don't ask silly questions. Do as you're told. 
 I don't know what it is, but do it! 
 
 Aurora, (aside) If the missus sees these she'll turn 
 the dear doctor into the street. I know she will! But 
 she shan't see 'em, if I can 'elp it. (hugs them closely) 
 It's all for 'im! Oh, ain't they wet, but they can't 
 squelch the flame that's burnin' 'ere for the dear doctor. 
 (coming down) I must tell him, I must! (throws wet 
 clothes down on stage) 
 
 Mrs. O'H. (heard off) H'Aurora! 
 
 Aurora. Yus, mum! (hides clothes behind her) 
 
 (Enter Mrs. O'Hara.) 
 
 Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you wait on lodgers as can't pay 
 their rint? (by sofa) Go h'upstairs and wait on my lady 
 friends, 
 
 (Exit Aurora.) 
 
CO OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 (leans on hack of sofa, to Doctor) Pardon me for 
 callin' when you're so busy, {with sarcasm) 
 
 Doctor, {ahsent-minded) Don't mention it. Won't 
 you sit down? Now, what can I — oh, it's the landlady! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Quite a stream of patients! 
 
 Doctor, (absently) Oh, yes! Flowing in — simply 
 flowing in! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. I'm glad to 'ear it. If a man can't h'earn 
 a honest livin' at your time of life, 'e may as lief — 
 (hiccough) — drown 'isself. 
 
 Doctor, (aside) "Drown" — the water-cure — my 
 cure! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. I needn't remind you as it's Lady Day. 
 
 Doctor, (picking up pile of bills) No, I've been re- 
 minded, but I'm afraid I must trouble you to wait. 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Ho, of course] The pore lone widder must 
 always wait. 
 
 Doctor. I wish the lone widder would go to the 
 devil! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. As I was just remarkin' to Widder Smith, 
 as is honnering my party h'upstairs — 
 
 Doctor, (rising) Don't let me keep you from your 
 friends, (half rising) They'll be getting impatient. 
 
 Mrs. O'H. (rising) H'impatient indeed, (crosses c.) 
 Their company manners is just as good as your friends, 
 ril warrant. Which reminds me that Widder Smith 
 'as met you in (hiccough) in sassiety. 
 
 Doctor, (absently) Widow Smith? (shakes his 
 head) Never heard her name. 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Ho! of course not! (comes to him) 
 You'll say next you never gave her a bath — (hiccoughs) 
 
 Doctor (rises, astonished) Gave her a bath? 
 
 Mrs. O'H. (very indignant) A bath bun — I was 
 a-goin' to say, and a cup o' coffee, at the Penny Reading 
 — (crosses c. again) 
 
 Doctor, (smiling grimly) Oh, I remember that Penny 
 Reading — I gave a comic recitation — it was funny! 
 (sits again) 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Fairly so, she says, for a hamatoor. Some- 
 thin' about the water-cure, wasn't it? 
 
 "Doctor, (icrithing) I believe it was. (aside) The 
 water-cure! It's fate! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Well, out o' charity to a pore lodger as 
 can't pay 'is rent, I'm goin' to take yer h'upstairs to 
 to say that there recititation to my lady friends. Come 
 along! 
 
 Doctor, (rising) No, no, I'm not in a funny humour! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Ho! but I'm going to take 'arf a crown 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 61 
 
 off the rint-book for yer doin' of it — so come along! 
 {drags him) 
 
 Doctor. No, no — I really can't — I'vfe had a terribly 
 busy day and I'm too — tired! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Too proud, you mean. But, mark my 
 ■word, if you don't come h'up — 
 
 Doctor, {aside, absently) I shall come h'up three 
 times. 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Your pride'll 'ave a fall, and a very 
 'umblin' fall! 
 
 {Exit Mrs. O'Hara, with dignity.) 
 
 Doctor, {alone) I wonder if the fall from the Albert 
 Suspension is worse than Waterloo Bridge? {sits look- 
 ing miserable) 
 
 {Enter Aurora, looking more miserable.) 
 
 Aurora, {aside) It's now or never. I must tell 'im, 
 I must. 
 
 Doctor {aside) I wonder if I ought to keep that 
 appointment with my father-in-law first. No! I'll spare 
 him the trouble. 
 
 Aurora, {aside) Now, when I come to think of it, 
 there's not only them three girls settin' their frills at 'im, 
 but there's the lady without any clothes in there, {points 
 to bathroom) That's four of 'em, but I'll struggle with 
 the lot. 
 
 Doctor, {aside) I'll go now. {rises) Oh, I do feel 
 so nervous, {pours out whiskey, going to add water) 
 N — no! I shall get enough water afterwards, {drinks) 
 
 Aurora, {aside) I'll be 'is patient! They all do it 
 that way. I've learnt the symptoms off the letter, I'll 
 see if I know 'em. {repeats them to herself with action) 
 
 Doctor, {aside) Courage, courage! {strikes his chest, 
 going) No, I can't go in these! {looks at pyjamas) 
 I can't drown myself in pyjamas, and I've left my only 
 trousers in there, and I can't get 'em — how — how very 
 annoying, {sits again, much relieved) I can't drown 
 myself. 
 
 Aurora, {standing c. end of sofa, leaning head on 
 cushion) Ho, sir, I do feel queer. 
 
 Doctor, {looking round) What's the matter? 
 
 Aurora. I've got all sorts of normal fancies, an' — • 
 longin's — haivful longin's, sir — I think I'm longin' to 
 drown myself. 
 
 Doctor, {suddenly) Don't say that!' I'm surprised 
 at you — don't you know it's only cowards who want to 
 
62 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 drown themselves. Come now, sit down! What's the 
 trouble, eh? 
 
 Aurora, {vacantly) The trouble, sir? 
 
 Doctor. What can I do for you? 
 
 Aurora. / dunno, sir, what can you do for me? 
 
 Doctor. No, you don't understand. What are your 
 symptoms? 
 
 Aurora, (effusively) Oh!! My symptoms, sir? (aside) 
 I know 'em all by 'eart! (whispers in his ear) 
 
 Doctor. Most extraordinary! I've heard of a case 
 exactly like that. Whose was it? (sees letter on table) 
 Of course! The lady in Grosvenor Road. My only pa- 
 tient, and I'd forgotten her! I must pull myself to- 
 gether. I've got my work to do — my work, (picks up 
 aunts letter) " The noble work of alleviating human 
 suffering! " Ah, that's what she said — before she had 
 a bath — (looks at bathroom, sighs. To Aurora) Aurora, 
 your case is deeply interesting. 
 
 Aurora. Oh, thank you, sir. 
 
 Doctor. It's complicated. 
 
 Aurora. It's 'oo, sir? (crosses c.) 
 
 Doctor. It's complicated! 
 
 Aurora. Oh, it is that, sir. 
 
 Doctor. Now tell me. (Bus. with scribbling block) 
 Do you suffer from your heart? 
 
 Aurora. Oh, don't sir. (simpers) My 'eart, oh, don't 
 I just! You 'ark at it, sir! (rushes at him, jumps on 
 his knee, and presses his head to her heart) It goes 
 bumpity-bump, and it's all for you, sir, all for you 
 
 (Enter Flo. from bathroom.) 
 
 I loves yer! (loildly) 
 
 (Flo. shrieks, and enter Aunt quickly from bathroom 
 in Doctor's Turkish bath-towel dressing gown, and 
 icearmg Ms Turkish smoking-caji and bedroom slippers.) 
 
 Aunt, (severely) What does this mean? 
 
 Aurora, (looking at Aunt) What is it? I shall go 
 off into highstrikes in a minute, I know I shall. 
 
 Aunt, (more severely) Answer me, sir, what does 
 this mean? (crosses to sofa) 
 
 (Aurora goes off into hysterics lying on sofa.) 
 
 Doctor, (looking at Aurora) I — I don't quite know. 
 I think it's some form of hysteria, (bending over her) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH I 6^ 
 
 Aurora, (suddenly recovering and sitting up) It's a 
 complicated case, mum. (laughs and falls back) 
 
 Aunt, (to Aurora) Hold your tongue! (to Doctor) 
 Coward! to try to sneak out of it like that! I've done 
 with you. 
 
 Flora, (bursting into tears) So have I! (crosses c. 
 to meet Aunt) 
 
 Aunt. Don't cry, dear — he's not worth it. 
 
 Flora, (quickly) Oh, but he is — that's the worst 
 of it. 
 
 Aunt, (aside) I'll save this sweet girl from him, 
 any way. (to Flo.) Go in there, dear, while /talk to him. 
 
 (Exit Flo. into bathroom.) 
 
 Aurora, (behind Doctor) Buck up, sir — I'll stand by 
 yer. 
 
 (Aunt descends upon him, he backs into Aurora, Bus. 
 (ad lib.) 
 
 Aunt. So, sir, you're not satisfied with your out- 
 rageous treatment of me — your loving aunt, who came 
 to London to be your best friend (c.) 
 
 Doctor. If you'll only give me 
 
 Aunt. Hold your tongue sir, I won't give you any- 
 thing, (l. c. ) 
 
 Ai RORA. Give 'im a chance, mum, that don't cost 
 nothin' — (end of sofa) 
 
 Aunt. Silence, the pair of you! 
 
 Aurora, (taking Doctor's arm — looks up at him 
 lovingly) "The pair of us! " 
 
 Aunt. You shameless Don Juan; you've bragged to 
 me about your goings on with two sailor girls 
 
 Aurora. 'Tain't 'is fault, mum, they will kiss 'im! 
 (c.) 
 
 Aunt. Silence! You're breaking the heart of that 
 dear girl in there, (pointing to bathroom,) Who's worth 
 a hundred such creatures as you — a murderer who tried 
 to drown his own aunt! 
 
 Aurora. Drown yer! Why, the dear doctor wouldn't 
 drown a kitten, and you ain't no kitten, 'Amlet! 
 
 Aunt, (furious) And to crown all — I find you in the 
 arms of this 
 
 Aurora. This! Who are you callin' " this? " 
 
 Aunt. A disreputable Pimlico lodging-house kitchen 
 girl! (crosses r. and back again) 
 
 Aurora. 'Ere! Cheese it! I may be a kitchen girl, 
 but I ain't disreputable! 
 
CA OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Aunt, (very furious) There's only one thing left 
 for you to do, sir. 
 
 Doctor. I know — the water cure! 
 Aunt. You shall marry this girl, sir. 
 Aurora, (in a dream) Marry the dear doctor! 
 Doctor, (aghast) Marry — Aurora! 
 
 (Aurora turns away delighted.) 
 
 (aside) I'd rather drown myself! (crosses r. corner) 
 Aunt. Yes, and I'll make you do it. (ivith scorn) 
 
 She's a fit 
 
 Aurora (surprised — kneels) Oh, thank you for those 
 
 blessed words, mum! You darlin' lady! I'll go and see 
 
 to your clothes now, auntie! (going, comes back) Kiss 
 
 me, Jack! Kiss your Financy! 
 
 (Doctor leans with his back to table — Aurora climbs 
 up on table and kisses him.) 
 
 (aside) I'm a lady at larst! 
 
 (Exit Aurora.) 
 
 Aunt. Who's that poor girl in there? (pointing to 
 bathroom) 
 
 Doctor, (absently) Oh, that is Miss Garden. 
 
 Aunt, (seating herself end of sofa, and putting rug 
 over her, aside) She shall come and live with me! I 
 know what it is to have loved a worthless man! (looks 
 severely at Doctor) I pity her! 
 
 Doctor, (very timidly) Aunt, may I explain? I'm 
 not (crosses to sofa) 
 
 Aunt, (loudly) Silence, sir! 
 
 (Enter Plant with bag, hurriedly, shown in by Tupper.) 
 
 Plant, (not seeing Aunt, meets Doctor going to- 
 wards door) Bear up. Jack, I've bad news for you — Miss 
 Garden's bolted — gone back to her husband, I'm afraid. 
 
 Aunt. Her husband? 
 
 Plant, (staggered, recovers himself) My dear Miss 
 Sheppard! (aside to Doctor) What's the matter with 
 her? 
 
 Doctor. I don't know — complicated case. 
 
 Plant. Ahem! So this joyful meeting between aunt 
 and nephew has taken place — how I wish I'd been here 
 to witness it — and my daughters, too. (to Aunt) 
 They're devoted to dear Jack. Ah, I'm afraid the rascal 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 65 
 
 means to rob me of one of my precious jewels. He's 
 a gay dog! 
 
 (DocTOE looks anything but gay.) 
 
 Aunt, (aside) The sailor girls. They're his daugh- 
 ters! (cross to fireplace) Ugh! 
 
 Plant, (aside to Doctor) Is the old girl ill? What's 
 I up? 
 
 (Doctor is silent.) 
 
 Ah, but he'll be a great physician — ahem — some day. 
 (aside to Doctor) When the daisies are growing over 
 auntie, eh? (end of sofa) 
 Aunt, (severely) John! 
 
 (Doctor doesn't move.) 
 
 Plant, (same tone) John! 
 
 (Doctor turns.) 
 
 Aunt. John, leave us! 
 
 (Doctor rises as if in a dream, shakes hands with Plant 
 at end of sofa, and goes towards bathroom where Flo. 
 went out.) 
 
 John! 
 
 (He turns.) 
 
 Not that way, sir! (points door r. i. e.) 
 
 (Doctor exits below r. i. e.) 
 
 Plant, (aside) He's upset her, somehow — I wonder 
 how? Ah, well, I must pour oil on the troubled waters. 
 (to Aunt) A wonderful character — er — John. I con- 
 gratulate you on having such a nephew — he combines 
 all the tenderness of a woman with the more muscular 
 qualities of a man. Did I tell you the story of his kind- 
 ness to the milkman's baby? 
 
 Aunt, (loudly) Bother the milkman's baby! (sits 
 sofa) 
 
 Plant. Certainly — er — bother the milkman's baby. 
 (aside) She's strangely cross to-day. 
 
 Aunt. I told you to draw up a deed settling a thous- 
 and a year on my nephew. 
 5 
 
66 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Plaxt. (producing it hlandly — Bus. — bag c. table) 
 And I have consumed the midnight oil to complete it. 
 
 (He hands it to her, over back of sofa, she pitches it in 
 the fire — he tries to snatch it out.) 
 
 My dear lady, that document's worth a lot of money! 
 (rushes round sofa) 
 
 Aunt. Let it alone! 
 
 Plant, (aside) It's all off! 
 
 (Aunt is poking vigorously, she hits Plant on purpose.) 
 
 (hops away, rubbing his leg) I'm in a damned awkward 
 corner. My dear Miss Sheppard, I fail to comprehend 
 the meaning of your action. If ever there was a gentle 
 Sheppard it's your dear nephew. 
 
 Aunt. Tell that to the — the — milkman's baby. I 
 could tell you a story of my nephew that would freeze 
 your blood, (gesticulates with poker) 
 
 Plant. You astound me — any insanity in the family? 
 
 Aunt. (l. c, rising indignantly) Mr. Plant! 
 
 Plant. No, no, of course not — I beg pardon — (sees 
 she is tvearing Doctor's bath-toivel dressing goion — 
 aside) By George! it looks like it, though! What has 
 happened? 
 
 Aunt. Who's Miss Garden's husband? (back to fire- 
 place) 
 
 Plant, (r. c, aside) Ahem! I must make a bit out of 
 this, anyway. My dear lady, I mustn't betray a pro- 
 fessional confidence, by mentioning his name, (aside) 
 Even if I knew it, which I don't, (to her) But, strictly 
 between ourselves, he's Jack's greatest friend. 
 
 Aunt. She's married to Jack's greatest friend? 
 
 Plant. Yes — a lieutenant in the navy. 
 
 Aunt. Disgraceful! (crosses to table) 
 
 Plant. Yes, (at sofa) I mustn't say more, (aside) 
 Don't know any more, (to her) You see, she's a client 
 of mine — of course I shall try and save Jack from the 
 Divorce Court, but it's gone rather far, and these things 
 cost money, you know. 
 
 Aunt. What do you mean? (end of sofa) 
 
 Plant. Only this afternoon I found her concealed 
 on that couch — beneath that very rug you're now wear- 
 ing— 
 
 (Bus. — Aunt flings it off.) 
 
 ■ — and when I remonstrated with Jack — as a father — 
 
 (LofC. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 67 
 
 {end of sofa) he actually tried to pass her off as an 
 anatomical model. 
 
 Aunt, {at table, back to fire) Then, why do you call 
 him a 'Gentle Sheppard?' Every word you say only 
 makes it worse. 
 
 Plant, {aside) Ahem! I've gone too far! {crosses 
 to R.) 
 
 Ai'NT. Bad as he is, I shall do my duty by him — I'm 
 going to find him a wife. 
 
 Plant. I'm afraid he can't support a wife — yet. 
 
 Aunt. I shall settle an income on her — she'll take 
 better care of it. {crosses to sofa) 
 
 Plant {aside) It's all on again, {to her, crosses 
 table c.) A noble resolve, {gets out pocket-book) Shall 
 I take your instructions now? How much shall I say? 
 • Aunt. Not yet. {crosses c. ) I want you to send your 
 daughters to me. {crosses to sofa, puts sofa cushions 
 behind her head. Only the Doctok's cap is visible to 
 anyone entering room) 
 
 Plant. With pleasure! {aside, putting tip pocket- 
 book) I've done the trick, {to her) Two dear girls, 
 who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all 
 their blameless lives. 
 
 {Enter Mrs. O'Hara, sees fez, and naturally takes Aunt 
 for Doctok. ) 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Now, then, doctor, me an' my friends are 
 all waitin' upstairs to 'ear the funny story. 
 
 Plant. What funny story? 
 
 Mrs. O'H. About the Lady and the Water Cure. 
 
 Aunt, {aside) The Lady and the Water Cure? That's 
 me! {jumping up) I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell 
 that story! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. {seeing her for the first time) And who 
 are you when you're at home? I took you for the 
 doctor. 'Ow dare you come to my 'ouse, dressed in that 
 indecent way? {crosses c. ) We're respectable in Mar- 
 malade Street — I'm ashamed of my lodger for lettin' 
 you in — 'e just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is rint. 
 
 Aunt. There is my lawyer — he'll pay your rent. 
 
 Plant. Certainly. Come with me, old fireworks! 
 
 Mrs. O'H. Thank you, sir — you're a gentleman! 
 
 {Exeunt Plant and Mrs. O'Hara.) 
 
 Aunt, {alone c.) Actually going to make fun of me 
 before a lot of vulgar people to get out of paying his 
 
68 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 rent. Is there anything he won't do? (sits in grand- 
 father's chair) 
 
 {Enter Andrew.) 
 
 Andrew, (seeing Aunt's cap, mistakes her for the 
 Doctor) I say. Dull Boy, where is she? Still in the 
 bath? (roars) 
 
 (Aunt does not move.) 
 
 (aside, Bus. fills pipe, etc.) He's got the hump! Poor 
 Jack! I say, I'm awfully sorry I've got you into such 
 a deuce of a scrape, but you know you distinctly said the 
 old lady wasn't coming till to-morrow. 
 
 Aunt, (aside) Old lady! 
 
 Andrew. And to-night we said we'd have one jolly 
 good caper for the last. Now, did we say so, or did we 
 not? (pause) You won't speak to me? Well, I dare- 
 say I deserve it, and I'm awfully sorry, but you know 
 if I'd had the slightest notion she'd turn up to-day, I'd 
 never have dressed up like that picture. 
 
 Aunt, (aside) Like what picture? 
 
 Andrew. But, by George, it was a lark when the old 
 girl came, and you thought she was me dressed up — and 
 you — oh, lor! (laughs) 
 
 Aunt, (aside) I begin to understand! (smiles at 
 audience) 
 
 Andrew, (up stage) Oh, don't be so beastly serious, 
 there's no harm done. I'll put matters right with your 
 aunt — you say she's an awfully good sort, and a sailor 
 can always get the soft side of a lady — so come! Give 
 us your hand and say you forgive. 
 
 (Pause — Aunt doesn't move.) 
 
 Oh, come on! (digs her in the ribs) 
 
 Aunt, (jumping up) Sir! 
 
 Andrew, (staggered) Oh, Susannah! (r. c.) 
 
 Aunt. Sir! 
 
 Andrew. I didn't mean you — I always say that — I 
 mean — I'm most awfully sorry — can you forgive me? 
 (end of sofa) 
 
 Aunt. I can and do, because I'm so delighted to find 
 that I've misjudged Jack, and that you were the real 
 culprit. Pray tell me to whom I am indebted for the 
 unexpected pleasure of my bath? 
 
 Andrew. My name's Andrew Merry, I'm Jack's great- 
 est friend. 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 69 
 
 Aunt. His greatest friend? Are you a lieutenant in 
 the navy? 
 
 Anurew. I have that honor. 
 
 Aunt. What shall I do? I have it. (crosses to hath- 
 room) I've a great surprise for you — but you must not 
 think any the worse of her — she's here with me — 
 {opens bathroom door) Come in, my dear. 
 
 {Enter Flo.) 
 
 There! {points to Andrew) Kiss him and make it up! 
 
 Andrew. Oh, Susannah! 
 
 Flora, (c, aghast) Kiss him? I've never seen this 
 gentleman before. 
 
 Aunt. Mr. Plant told me you were man and wife. 
 
 Flora. Mr. Plant would say anything horrid! 
 
 Andrew. Oh, thanks! 
 
 Flora. He wants one of his daughters to marry Jack. 
 
 Andrew. Does he? Well, Ruby's engaged to me, and 
 Pearl — well, don't worry about her, and as for dear 
 old Jack, he's only cared for one girl all his life. I've 
 never seen her yet — but he's told me more than once 
 that her name was Flora Garden. 
 
 Flora. I'll never be jealous again! 
 
 Aunt, {aside) Jack's not so bad after all! 
 
 (Andrew crosses r. of table. Enter Aurora dressed very 
 grandly and eccentrically, orange blossoms in her 
 hair and wearing her diamond paste combs — she car- 
 ries a bundle of clothes.) 
 
 Aurora, {to Aunt, affectionately) 'Ere you are, 
 mum, 'ere's your clothes — auntie! {hands clothes to 
 Aunt) 
 
 (Flo. takes them and exits into bathroom.) 
 
 {calls after her) 'Ere, they won't fit you! 'Ow can I 
 thank you? You done it all, mum. The dear doctor's 
 never give me the slightest encouragement of a word or 
 a look. 
 
 Aunt, {with blank astonishment) He never has? 
 
 Aurora. No, mum. It was all a one side, and I 
 should never 'ave 'ooked him if you 'adn't said the word. 
 
 Aunt. I breathe again. (aside) Jack's a perfect 
 angel, (to Aurora) I'll see you again, my good girl, 
 before I go. 
 
 {Exit Aunt into bathroom.) 
 
70 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Aurora. I 'ope we shall see you h'often when we're 
 married. You'll always be welcome. She don't know 
 what she's done for 'im. (at sofa side) 
 
 Andrev/. I think ifs about time I met my future 
 father-in-law — I shall have two or three things to say 
 to him. 
 
 (Axrora sits on couch and puts her feet up. Andrew 
 sits in Doctor's chair. Enter Waverly, shotcn in hy 
 
 T UPPER.) 
 
 Wa\'erly. Where's Doctor Sheppard? (l. c.) 
 Andrew. Out. I'm waiting to tell him the good news 
 — I say, such a lark! 
 
 (Waverly sits on table.) 
 
 I've told auntie all about the bath business by mistake. 
 
 Waverly. By mistake? 
 
 Andrew. Yes, I took her for Jack. 
 
 Waverly. How could you? 
 
 Andrew. She'd got his things on. 
 
 Waverly. (putting his hand over his face) Oh, 
 Susannah! 
 
 (Enter Doctor r. i. e., sees Aurora on sofa, and rushes 
 off again, yowling.) 
 
 Andrew, (to Waverly, neither having seen Aurora 
 on sofa) Has he got 'em? Come on, we must tell him 
 the good news. 
 
 (Exeunt Andrew and Waverly after Doctor r. i. e.) 
 
 Aurora, (alone, fondly) My love! Ain't he coy? 
 I like a bashful lover. It's so gentlemanly, (sits at 
 writing-tahle) 
 
 (Enter Tupper excitedly.) 
 
 Tupper. Please, sir — (sees Aurora, laughs) Well, you 
 do look a guy! 'Oiler, boys, 'oiler, 'ere's another guy! 
 
 Aurora. You don't know who you're talking to. I 
 shall be yt»ur missus soon — I'm going to marry the dear 
 doctor! 
 
 Tupper. Oh, don't say that, Aurora! (cries) 
 
 Aurora. Ah, you ain't the only one as'll cry when 
 they 'ear the news. There's the butcher and the baker 
 and my cousin, in the h'E division, he'll bust! Poor 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 71 
 
 little Tupper, don't cry. Look 'ere, you shall come and 
 kiss me in the vestry, after it's all over — that's more 
 than I'll let the butcher do. Buck up, it'll soon be over — 
 
 Tui'PEK {drying eyes) Oh, I Jorgot, there's a ser- 
 vant come from Grosvenor Road. 
 
 AuKORA. Tell 'er to wait. 
 
 Tupper. But she says the lady's going to have a fit! 
 
 AuROR.\. Tell 'er to wait, we are not to be disturbed. 
 
 TuppKR. All right! (aside) Oh, ain't she lovely! 
 She looks like an 'eavenly hangel, now I've lorst 'er 
 for h'ever! 
 
 (Exit TuppEK.) 
 
 Aurora, (picks up letter) I'll see to her case my- 
 self. It wants a woman in the case. (Bus.) I'll work 
 this business different when I'm boss. I'll get 'im a lot 
 of patients. 
 
 (Enter Plant, Ruby and Pearl.) 
 
 What! Back again! These visits'll 'ave to be paid for. 
 We don't give nothing away heah! (ivrites on scrib- 
 "bling block) To three consul'ations in one day at a 
 pound a time— and there's three of yer. three- three's 
 — that's eleven — kindly part up! (knocks on table) 
 
 Plant. My good girl, this is not a professional visit. 
 We've come to see Miss Sheppard. 
 
 Aurora, (tcith dignity, sitting at writing table) 
 Well, you can't. Auntie's changing 'er clothes — *as she 
 told yer the news? 
 
 PL.VNT. What news? 
 
 (RuTJY signals to Pearl behind Plant's back.) 
 
 Aurora, (haughtily) A mere trifle! There's goin' to be 
 a weddin' from 'ere very soon. 
 
 Pearl. A wedding? 
 
 Plant, (to Ruby and Pearl, nibbing his hands, ready 
 to take RucY and Pearl over r.) What did I tell you? 
 
 Aurora. The dear doctor's the 'appy man! 
 
 Ruby. And who is— the lady? 
 
 Aurora. Ah, how embarrassing! No, you must ask 
 auntie, she'll tell yer. 
 
 Plant, (to girls) I told you Miss Sheppard wanted 
 to see you both, (takes girls r. corner) She's going to 
 choose between you. 
 
 Pearl. Hadn't Jack better do that? (nudging Ruby) 
 
 Plant. There's not time! 
 
72 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 (Mrs. O'Hara calling off.) 
 
 Mrs. O'H. (off) H'Aurora! 
 
 Aurora, (putting her hair hack) Thank goodness, I 
 shan't be at this loio game much longer! 
 
 (Enter Mrs. O'Hara.) 
 
 Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you dress grander than your 
 missus? Take 'em off, at once, and put on yer cap, 
 then get along h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends. 
 (slaps her shoulder) 
 
 Aurora, (aside) Oh, when I 'ave servants of my 
 own, won't I give 'em O'Hara! 
 
 (Exeunt Aurora and Mrs. O'Hara l. u. e.) 
 
 (Enter Doctor, Andrew and Waverly r. i. e.) 
 
 Plant. Yes, there is time, just time. My dear Jack, 
 there's not a moment to lose, (takes him to fireplace) 
 The old girl has cut you off without a penny. 
 
 (Doctor falls into his arms.) 
 
 Don't give way! (holds him up) There's still hope. My 
 daughters love you — 
 
 (Doctor falls in a heap on the stage.) 
 
 — and will marry you without a penny. 
 
 Doctor (sitting on stage) Both of 'em! 
 
 Plant. No, sir, either of 'em. You've only to choose 
 and your aunt will forgive you everything — I've ar- 
 ranged it all! Which is it to be? Quick — your answer!' 
 
 Doctor, (pointing to the two couples) There's your 
 answer. 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 
 Plant, (seeing Wavtirly and Andrew for the first 
 time) What the devil's up now? Those dear girls have 
 never given me a moment's peace in all their blessed 
 lives! 
 
 (Doctor at table c.) 
 
 Pearl, (comes doicn) Papa, see what Mr. Vane's given 
 me. (shows Mm pearl necklace) Precious pearls! Isn't 
 that appropriate? I think Mr. Vane has something to 
 say to you. (pushes him forivard) 
 
OH ! SUSANNAH ! 73 
 
 (Waveely is silent.) 
 
 Plant. Don't speak, sir — I know what you're going to 
 say. 
 
 Wa\'erly. I'm hanged if he does! 
 
 Plant, {pockets necklace) No man shall rob me of 
 my precious jewel, {hu£fs Pearl) whoever he is. 
 (aside to Pearl) who is he? (passes her over to r.) 
 
 Pearl, (aside to Plant) His father's an earl 
 
 Plant, (aside) An earl! (to Waverly, putting out 
 his hand) My dear sir, forgive me — a father's feelings — 
 (sohs) You must give me time 
 
 Wa\'erly. Certainly! There's — there's no hurry! 
 {crosses l. to Ruby) 
 
 Ruby, (bringing Andrew doic7i) Pa, this is — Andrew! 
 
 Andrew. Mr. Plant — I 
 
 Plant. Don't speak, sir — I know what you're going 
 to say! 
 
 Andrew. Does he? 
 
 Plant, (taking Ruby in Ms other arm, and hugging 
 the two girls closely) Another thief — after my precious 
 jewels! (aside to Ruby) Has he got any money? 
 
 Ruby, (aside to Pl.\nt) Lots! 
 
 Plant, (aside) Good! (aloud) You're breaking my 
 heart, gentlemen, but I mustn't be selfish. Take my 
 precious jewels — and wear them! I wonder if it would 
 run to a dinner? (counts his money) No! a lunch! 
 Come to lunch to-morrow, both of you. 
 
 Aurora, (off) Jack! 
 
 {Enter Aurora. Doctor sees Jier, and ducks behind cur- 
 tains c, hiding from her; she crosses to door r. i. e., 
 and taps gently — no answer.) 
 
 Jack! Where's my Jack? 
 
 Plant, (looking at Ruby and Pearl) Ah, two dear 
 girls who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness 
 all their blameless lives. 
 
 Aitrora. Ho! then it's all to come, for they told me 
 as their pa 'ad set 'is 'eart on their marrying the dear 
 doctor. 
 
 Plant. How dare you! My daughters are Doctor 
 Sheppard's cousins, and nothing would induce me to 
 sanction a marriage between cousins, (going to her) 
 You're a very naughty little girl. 
 
 Aurora, (haughtily, seating herself and spreading 
 Tier frock o^it) Little girl! Pardon me, my good man — 
 do you know who you're talking to? You don't know 
 my position in this 'ouse. I'm auntie's choice. 
 
74 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 
 
 Plant. Are you? You're not mine! 
 Aurora. Yes!, She's chosen me to marry the dear 
 doctor! 
 
 (Ruby and Pearl laugh.) 
 
 Let them laugh as wins. You tried your best, but I 
 don't bear no h'ill-will. I said I'd struggle with yer, 
 and I've done it. If you're good girls, I may ask you 
 to be bridesmaids — it's better than nothing, {crosses 
 L. c.) 
 
 Plant (to Doctor under table) I say. Jack, is this 
 true? You have my deepest sympathy — and if it should 
 come to a breach of promise — look me up! 
 
 Doctor, (coming out) If ever I do look you and 
 your precious jewels up, I'll bring a stick twice as big as 
 yours. 
 
 Plant. And that is gratitude! 
 
 AEnter Flo. and Aunt — the'i/ listen.) 
 
 Ruby, (liotly) I don't care ivfio marries Jack! 
 
 Pearl. Nor I — he's not my style! 
 
 Aunt, (to Doctor) This dear girl has told me ail 
 about you — forgive me for my mistakes, but they weren't 
 all my fault — (shaking her finger at Andrew) I hope 
 you'll have a very happy married life. 
 
 Aurora, (crossing) I'm sure 'e will. 
 
 Aunt, (to Doctor) I shall do all I can to make it so. 
 
 Aurora, (coming to her) Oh, thank you, mum, and 
 would you please name the day? 
 
 Doctor, (absently) My wife! (sees Aurora, shakes 
 her off) Oh, go to! go to — (goes to Flora) This lady is 
 my wife — we were married this morning. 
 
 Aurora. My Jack married! Then I'm a widder! 
 
 {She falls flat on the stage.) 
 CURTAIN. 
 
MAR m 1905 
 
 < 
 
■S8NB FOR A NBW DBSCRIPTIVB CA'k 
 
 (French' i Standard Drama Ctntiatud from a.f page tfC^ner., 
 
 f OL. XLI. 
 
 191 Tb* PirnM't Ltgacy 
 Sej Th* Chkrcoftl Uuruer 
 tiS Adelgilba 
 SS4 Senor V&lieat« 
 Kb Koreit Rose 
 196 Duke'! Daughter 
 t'if CamUla't Hutbaa< 
 (38 Plire Gold 
 
 VOL. XLir. 
 tK Ticket or Leave Mas 
 S3e Fool'i Revenge 
 t3l O'Neil the Great 
 385 Handy Andy 
 t33 Pirate of the Idee 
 S34 Faiicbon 
 S36 Little Barefoot 
 »36 Wild Irish Girl 
 
 VOL. XLin. 
 J37 Pearl of Savoy 
 336 Dead Heart 
 8S9 Ten Nights In a Bar-room 
 340 Dumb Bovof Manchester 
 241 Belpheirofthe.Mounleb'li 
 ii2 Cricket on the Hearth 
 843 Printer's Devil 
 M4 Meg's Diversion 
 
 VOI-. XLIV 
 845 Drunkard'^ Doom 
 346 Chimney Corner 
 HI Fifteen Years of a Drunli 
 348 No Thoroughfare fard's 
 34» Peep O' Day \lAS» 
 
 360 Everybody's Friend 
 351 Gen. Grant 
 35< Kathleen Mavoumeen 
 
 VOL. XLV. 
 
 363 Nick Whiffles 
 
 354 Fruits of the Wine Cup 
 
 355 Drunkard's Warning 
 36S Temperance Doctor 
 
 357 Aunt Dinah 
 
 358 Widow Freebeart 
 369 Frou Frou 
 
 360 LouiF Strike 
 
 VOU XLVL 
 86] Lancers 
 36'i LuvlUe 
 3t:3 Randall's Thumb 
 
 364 Wicked World 
 
 365 Two Orphans 
 ;t66 Colleen Bawn 
 
 367 'Twixt Axe and Crown 
 
 368 Lady Claocarthy 
 
 VOL. XLVII, 
 368 Saratega 
 87* Never Too Lata to Mend 
 
 871 Lily ef Franca 
 
 872 Led Astray 
 813 Henry V 
 
 374 Unequal Match 
 
 876 May er Dolly's Delusion 
 
 376 Allatoona 
 VOL. XLVin. 
 
 377 Enoch Arden 
 
 378 Under the Gas tight 
 37} Daniel Rochat 
 
 380 Caste 
 
 381 Schoot 
 3<<2 Home 
 
 383 David Oarrlek 
 
 384 Ours 
 VOL. XLIX. 
 
 385 Social Glass 
 38( Daniel Druca 
 
 387 Two Roses 
 
 388 Adrienne 
 
 389 The Bells 
 890 Uncle 
 391 Courtship 
 
 m Not Such a Fool 
 
 ■<r\ 
 
 iUFIneFea.usrs 
 
 394 PraaiBter's B*s 
 89S Iron Master 
 396 Engaged 
 
 '^97 Prpnaliea h Qalata* 
 3*8 Leak 
 
 399 Scrap af Papet 
 4U0 Lost la Landen 
 VOU LL 
 -*01 OrkoraoD 
 4flS Confederate Spy 
 
 403 Mariner's Retura 
 
 404 Ruiaed by Drink 
 
 406 Dreams 
 4M M. P. 
 
 407 War 
 
 408 Birth 
 VOL. Lit. 
 
 40t Nightingala 
 
 410 Progress 
 
 411 Play 
 
 413 Midnl|;ht Charge 
 
 412 Confidential Clerk 
 
 414 Snowball 
 
 415 Our Keglmint 
 
 416 Married for Money 
 Hamlet in Three Acts 
 Guttle & Gulpit 
 
 FRENCH'S INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHTED EDITION 
 OF THE WORKS OF THE BEST AUTHORS. 
 
 The following very successful plays have just been issued at 25 cents per copy. 
 
 A PAIK OF SPECTACLES. Comedy In 3 Acts 
 by SvDNay Gih;ndy, author of *'Sowing the Wind," 
 &c. 8 male, 3 female characters. 
 
 A POOL'S PARADISE. An oriclnnt play In 3 
 Acts bv SvDNKV GiurNPy, author of "Sowing the 
 Wind,'* Ac. 5 mule, 4 female characters. 
 
 (THE SILVER SHIELD. An original comedy In 
 3 Acts by Syonrv fiKlTvnY, author of "Sowing the 
 Wind," t&c. 5 male, 3 female characters. 
 
 THE GLASS OP PASHIOK. An original com. 
 edy in 4 Acts by Sydney (iRUWDY, author of "Sowing 
 the Wind," iic, 6 male, 6 female characters. 
 
 THE BALLOON. Farcical comedy In 3 Acts by J. 
 
 H. Dakm.ey and MANVI1.I.E Finn. ( male, 4 female 
 
 ch.Hracters. 
 MISS CLEOPATRA. Farce In 3 Acts by Abthub 
 
 Shikllv, 1 male, 3 female characters. 
 SIX PEBSONS, Comedy Act by I. Zanswill. 
 
 I male, I female cliaracter. 
 FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. Comedl- 
 
 etta in 1 Act by I'bUcY Fe.ndall. 1 male, 1 female 
 
 char.'icter. 
 HIGHLAND LEGACY. 
 
 Bit 
 
 Tho 
 
 5 male, ^ female charactei 
 
 CT. Comedy In 1 Act by 
 thor of "Charley's Aunt." 
 
 Contents of Catalogue which is sent Free. 
 
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 Articles Needed by Amateur* 
 
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 Baker's Reading Club 
 
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 Costume Books 
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 Even 
 
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 French's Cost 
 
 French's Editions 
 
 French's Italian Operas 
 
 French's Parlor Comedies 
 
 French's .Standard and Minor Drarna 
 
 French's Standard and Minor Drama, 
 
 bound 
 French's Scenes for Amateurs 
 Frobisher' 
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 Guide Hooks for Ann,.<>urs 
 Guide to Selecting Plays 
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 Home Plays for Ladles 
 Irish Plnvs 
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 Mock Trial 
 
 Mrs. .Tarley's Wax Works 
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 t Love 
 [Letter 
 
 VOL. XLT, 
 821 Adventures of 
 itl I est Child 
 323 Court Cards 
 824 Cojr and Box 
 826 Fortv Winks 
 826 Wonderful Woman 
 327 Curious Case 
 828 Tweedleton's Tall Coat 
 
 (French' I Minor Drama Continued from 4th page of Cover.") 
 
 VOL. XLII 
 329 As Like as Two Peas 
 
 330 Presumptive Evidence 
 
 331 Happy Band 
 
 332 Pinafore 
 
 333 Mock Trial 
 
 334 My Uncle's Will 
 336 Happy Pair 
 
 336 My Turn Next 
 
 VOL. XLIII. 
 
 337 Sunset 
 
 338 For Haifa Million 
 
 339 C ible Car 
 
 340 Early Bird 
 
 341 Alumni Play 
 
 342 Show of Hands 
 .'i43 Barbara 
 
 344 Who's Who 
 
 VOL. XLIV. 
 345 Who'e To Win Him 
 .346 Which is Which 
 347 Cup of Tea 
 34'J Sarali's Young Man 
 341) He:irls 
 
 350 In Honor Bound {Lavr 
 
 351 Freezing a Mother-in- 
 362 My Lord lu Livery 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d St;, New York City. 
 
 ^P~ New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. 
 
 *■(■ 
 
ii 
 
 ^H'S MI 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 Price IS Cents each.-E 016 1021702 
 
 vo*.. t. 
 
 I The Irlih Attoni«f 
 % BooU :>t tl» Swan 
 % How tn >'»y the R«nt 
 4 Thu I^»n of a LoTtr 
 i Tha De«d Shot 
 
 6 His La«t Leg* 
 
 7 The InrisibTe Prince 
 i The GolJeri Farmer 
 
 VOL. II. 
 9 Tride of the Market 
 
 10 Used Uo 
 
 11 The Irish Tutor 
 
 12 The Barrack Ruom 
 
 13 Luke the Laborer 
 
 14 Beauty and the Beast 
 
 15 St. Patrii-k'i Eve 
 
 16 Captain of the Watch 
 
 VOL. in. 
 n Tho Secret IP 
 
 ]g White Horee of the Pi 
 19 The Jacobite 
 
 50 The Botlle 
 21 Box and Col 
 
 52 Bamboozling 
 83 Widow'! Victim 
 
 24 Robert Macaire 
 
 VOL. IV. 
 
 25 Secret Service 
 S6 Omnibus 
 
 51 Irish Lion 
 58 Mai.t of Croiesy 
 29 The Old Guard 
 SO Raising the Wind 
 
 31 Slasher and Crasher 
 
 32 Naval Engagementt 
 
 VOL. V. 
 
 53 Corknies in Calilbrni* 
 M Who Speaks First 
 36 Bombastes Furioso 
 36 Macbeth Travestie 
 87 Irish Ambassador 
 
 38 Delicate Ground 
 
 39 The Weathercock [Gold 
 
 40 All that Glitters U Not 
 
 VOL. VL 
 
 41 Grimshaw, Bagshaw and 
 
 Bradahaw 
 
 42 Rough Diamond 
 
 43 Bloomer Costume 
 
 44 Two Bonnycftstles 
 
 45 Bom to Good Luck 
 
 46 Kiss in tlie Dark [jurer 
 
 47 'Twould Puule a Con- 
 « Kill or Cure 
 
 , VOL. VII. 
 
 I 49 Box and Cox Married and 
 BU St. Cupid [Settled 
 
 61 Oo-to-bed Tom 
 
 62 The Lawyers 
 53 Jack Sheppard 
 64 The Toodles ' 
 55 The Mobcap 
 
 66 Ladies Beware 
 
 VOL. Vllt. 
 
 67 Morning Call 
 
 68 Popping the Question 
 
 69 Deaf ns a Post 
 60 New Footman 
 <l Pleasant Neighbor 
 
 62 Paddy the Piper 
 
 63 Brian O'Liun 
 
 64 Irish Assurance 
 
 VOL. IX. 
 
 65 Tei.iptalioii 
 
 66 Paddy Carey 
 
 67 Two Gregories 
 6!j King Charming 
 
 69 Pu-ca-hon-tas 
 
 70 Clockmaker't Hat 
 
 71 Married Rake 
 
 72 Love and Murder 
 
 VOL. X. 
 
 73 Ireland and America 
 
 74 Pretty Piece of Busiu 
 
 75 Irisli llroom-maker 
 
 76 To Paris and B.Hct for 
 
 Five Pounds 
 
 77 That Blessed Baby 
 
 78 Our Gal 
 7!i Swiss Cottage 
 bu Voung Widow 
 
 VOL. XI. I 
 
 t1 CFlannlgaB and the Fal- 
 82 Irish Post [ries 
 
 82 My Neighbor's Wife 
 
 84 Iriih Tiger 
 
 85 P. P., or Man and Tiger 
 
 86 To Oblige Bensou 
 
 87 State Secrets 
 
 88 Irish Yankee 
 VOL. Xlt. 
 
 89 A Good Fellow 
 
 90 Cherry and Fair Star 
 
 91 Gale Breeiely 
 
 92 Our Jemimy 
 
 93 Miller's Maid 
 
 94 Awkward Arrival 
 
 95 Crossing the Line 
 
 96 Conjugal Lesson 
 VOL. XIII. 
 
 97 My Wife's Mirror 
 
 98 Life in New York 
 
 99 Middy Ashore 
 
 100 Crown Prince 
 
 101 Two Queens 
 
 102 Thumping Legacy 
 
 103 Un6nished Gentleman 
 
 104 House Dog 
 VOL. XIV. 
 
 10! The Demon Lover 
 
 106 Matrimony 
 
 107 In and Outof Place 
 
 108 I Dine with My Mother 
 
 109 Hi-a-wa-tha 
 
 110 Andv Blake 
 
 111 Love" in '76 [tie 
 
 112 Romance under Difficut- 
 VOL. XV. 
 
 113 One Coat for 2 Suits 
 
 114 A Decided C.>ise 
 116 Daughter [nority 
 
 116 No; or, the Glorious Mi- 
 
 117 Coroner's Inquisition 
 
 118 Love in Humble Life 
 
 119 Family Jars 
 
 120 Personation 
 VOL. Xn. 
 
 .51 Children in the Wood 
 
 122 Winning a Husband 
 
 123 Day After the Fair 
 
 124 Make Youi WUls 
 
 125 Rendezvous 
 
 126 My Wife's Husband 
 
 1 27 Monsieur Tonson 
 
 128 Illustrious Stranger 
 VOL. XVII. 
 
 129 Mischief-Making [Mines 
 
 130 A Live Woman la the 
 
 131 The Corsair 
 
 132 Shylock 
 
 133 Spoiled Child 
 
 134 Evil Eye 
 
 135 Nothing to Nurse 
 
 136 Wanted a Widow 
 VOL. XVIIL 
 
 137 Lottery Ticket 
 
 138 Fortune's Frolic 
 39 Is he Jealous! 
 
 140 Married Bachelor 
 
 141 Husband at Sight 
 
 142 Irishman in London 
 
 143 Anima! Magnetism 
 
 144 Highways and By-Ways 
 VOL. XIX. 
 
 145 Columbus 
 
 146 Harlequin Bluebeard 
 
 147 Ladies at Home 
 14(5 Phenomenon in a Smock 
 
 Frock 
 149 Comedy and Tragedy 
 160 Opposite Neighbors 
 
 151 Dutchman's Ghost 
 
 152 Persecuted Dutchman 
 VOL. XX. 
 
 1 53 Musard Ball 
 
 154 cJfeat Tragic Revival 
 
 155 High Low Jack & Game 
 
 156 A Gentleman from Ire- 
 
 1 57 Tom and Jerry [land 
 168 Village Lawyer 
 159 Capt.nin's not A-miss 
 161) Amateurs and Actors 
 
 VOL. XXI. 
 
 161 Promotion [nai 
 
 162 A Fascinating Individ- 
 
 163 Mrs. Caudle 
 
 164 Shakespeare's Dream 
 
 165 Neptune's Defeat 
 
 166 Lady of Bedchamber 
 
 167 Take Care of Little 
 1C8 Irish Widow [Charley 
 
 VOL. XXII. 
 
 169 Yankee Peddler 
 
 170 Hiram Hireout 
 
 171 Doublc-Bedded Room 
 
 172 The Drama Defended 
 
 173 Vermont Wool Dealer 
 
 174 Ebenezer Venture [ter 
 
 175 Principles from Charac- 
 
 176 Ladv of the Lake (Trav) 
 'i'OL. XXIII. 
 
 177 Mad Dogs 
 
 178 Barney the Baron 
 
 179 Swiss Swains 
 
 180 Bachelor's Bedroom 
 
 181 A Roland for an Oliver 
 
 182 More Blunders than One 
 
 183 Dumb Belle 
 lft4 Limerick Boy 
 
 VOL. XXIV. 
 166 Nature and Philosophy 
 1S6 Teddy the Tiler 
 
 187 Spectre Bridegroom 
 
 188 Matteo Falcone 
 
 189 Jenny Lind 
 
 190 Two Buzzards 
 
 191 Happy Man 
 
 192 Betsv Baker 
 
 Vol. xx\'. 
 
 193 No. 1 Round the Corner 
 
 194 Teddy Roe 
 
 195 Object of Interest 
 
 196 My Fellow Clerk 
 
 197 Bengal Tiger 
 
 198 Laughing Hyena 
 
 199 The Victor Vanquished 
 ■>m Our Wife 
 
 VOL. XXVI. 
 
 201 My Husband's Mirror 
 
 202 Yankee Laud 
 
 203 Norah Creina 
 
 204 Good for Nothing 
 
 205 The First Night 
 
 206 The Eton Boy 
 
 207 Wandering Minstrel 
 
 208 Wanted, 1000 Milliuers 
 VOL. XXVIL 
 
 209 Poor Pilcoddy 
 
 210 The Mummy [Glasses 
 
 211 Don't Forget your Opera 
 
 212 Love in Livery 
 
 213 Anthony and Cleopatra 
 
 214 Trying It On 
 
 215 Stage Struck Yankee 
 21« Young Wife k Old Um- 
 brella 
 
 VOL. XXVIII. 
 217 Crinoline 
 218. V Family Falling 
 
 219 Adopted Child 
 
 220 Turned Heads 
 321 A Match in the Dark 
 
 222 Advice to Husbands 
 
 223 Siamese Twins 
 24 Sent to the Tower 
 
 VOL. XXIX. 
 •225 Somebody Else 
 2a6 Ladies' Battle 
 
 227 Art of Acting 
 
 228 The Lady of the Lions 
 
 229 The Rights of Man 
 
 230 Mv Husband's Ghost 
 
 231 Two Can Play at that 
 Game 
 
 232 Fighting by Proxy- 
 VOL. XXX. 
 
 233 Unprotected Female 
 
 234 Pet of the Petticoats 
 
 235 Forty and Fifty [book 
 
 236 Who Stole the PockeU 
 
 237 Mv Son Diana [sion 
 
 238 Unwarrantable tnt 
 2.39 Mr. and Mrs. White 
 240 A Quiet Family 
 
 VOU XXXL 
 
 241 Cool as Cucumber 
 942 Sudden TboughU 
 
 243 Jumbo Jum 
 
 244 A Blighted Being 
 
 245 Little Toddlekius 
 
 246 A Lover by Proxy [Pail 
 947 Maid with the Milking 
 
 248 Perplexing Predicament 
 VOL. XXXU. 
 
 249 Dr. Dilworth 
 
 250 Out to Nurs» . 
 
 251 A Lucky Hit ' 
 
 252 The Dowager 
 
 253 Metamora (Burlesque) 
 
 254 Dreams of Delusion 
 
 255 The Sh.iker Loveri 
 
 256 Ticklish Times 
 VOL. XXXIII. 
 
 ■i67 20 Minutes with a Tiger 
 
 258 Miralda; or, the Justict 
 of Tacon 
 
 259 A Soldier's CourUUp 
 
 260 Servants by Legacy 
 
 IQ.i Amateurs auu ^i;ior» -•>" « vi^x.^v j . 
 
 {French's Minor Drama Continued on j<1 page of Covfr.) 
 
 261 Dying for Lo _ 
 
 262 Alarming Sacrifice 
 
 263 Valet de Sham 
 
 264 Nicholas Nickleby 
 VOL. XXXIV. 
 
 205 The Last of the Pigtails 
 266 King Rene's Daughter 
 567 The Grotto Nymph 
 
 268 A Devilish Good Joke 
 
 269 A Twice Told Tale 
 
 270 Pas de Fascination 
 •171 Revolutionarv Soldier 
 
 272 A Man Withont a Head 
 VOL. XXXV. 
 
 273 The Olio, Part 1 
 
 274 The Olio, Part 2 
 
 275 The Olio, Part 3 [ter 
 
 276 The Trumpeter's Daugh- 
 
 277 Seeing Warren 
 
 278 Green Mountain Bo;- 
 
 279 That Nose 
 
 280 Tom Noddy's Secret 
 VOL. XXXVL 
 
 281 Shocking Events 
 
 282 A Regular Fix 
 
 283 Dick Turpin 
 
 284 Young Scamp 
 
 285 Young Actress 
 
 286 Call at No. 1—7 
 
 287 One Touch of Nature 
 28g Two B'hoys 
 
 VOL. XXXVII. 
 2S9 Ail the World's a Stage 
 ■J90 Quasb, or Nigger prac- 
 591 Turn Him Out [tice 
 
 292 Pretty Girls of Stillberg 
 
 293 Angel of the Attic 
 
 294 Circumstances alterCases 
 
 295 Katty O'Sheal 
 "■" A Supper in Dixie 
 
 VOL. XXXVIII. 
 
 297 Ici on Parle Franoais 
 
 298 Who Killed Cock Robin 
 
 299 Declaration of Independ- 
 
 300 Heads or Tails [ence 
 
 301 Obstinate Family 
 
 302 Mv Aunt 
 
 303 Th"at Rascal Pat 
 
 304 Don Paddy de Bazan 
 VOL. XXXIX. [ture 
 
 305 Too Much for Good Na- 
 
 306 Cure for the Fidgets 
 
 307 Jack's the Lad 
 
 308 Much Ado AboutNothing 
 
 309 Artful Dodger 
 
 310 Winning Hazard 
 
 311 Day's Fishing [Ac. 
 
 312 Did you ever send ycjr, 
 VOL. XL. 
 
 .313 An Irishman's Maneuver 
 
 314 Cousin Fannie 
 
 315 'Tis the Darkest Hour he- 
 :il6 Masquerade [fore Dawn 
 
 317 Crowding the Season 
 
 318 Good Night's Rest 
 
 319 Man with the Carpet Bag 
 
 320 Terrible Tinker 
 
 5AMIJEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d Street, New York City. 
 
 New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. 
 
^ 1 TRRftRY OF CONGRESS 
 
 mi 
 
 016 102 1/w ^