A SKETCH </^ , ^A ^^^-"^^tim 
 
 GRANNY SHORT'S BARBECUE, 
 
 AND THE 
 
 GENERAL STATUTES OF KENTUCKY. 
 
 By ROBT. M. BRADLEY, 
 
 Of Lancaster, Garrard County, Kentucky. 
 
 YOL. I.-GEA]^NT SHOET'S BAEBEOUE. 
 
 L UISVIL L E: -^ ' v: v;/ •' 
 
 Bradley & Gilbert, Printers. 
 1879. 
 
-'I 
 
 ^s 
 
 • . • * * 
 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1878, by 
 
 R. M. BRADLEY, 
 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress. All rights reserved. 
 
#^--:, 
 
 PREFACE 
 
 As the time has come when the bitter fruits of our legislative acts are being 
 tasted and felt by all our people of intelligence ; as the ablest and most exalted 
 courts in the Commonwealth have not been able to expound, mold, and shape, 
 and give meaning to many of the vague and unmeaning statutes of the State; as 
 the whole community have become alarmed at the condition of the country ; as 
 the weak have been trampled under foot and the strong overpowered ; as fools 
 have been made to suffer and wise men to moan ; as the institutions of our State 
 are fast going to decay, and the times growing worse every day ; as the white peo- 
 ple, without distinction of party, are standing in the streets and public highways, 
 lamenting the condition of the country, and wondering what can be done to save 
 it; when our statute laws and codes of practice have, in many instances, become 
 mere words of reproach and stumbling-blocks in the way of our progress on ac- 
 count of their contradictions and complications, as well as their gross absurdities 
 and cruel injustice; when the time is at hand that the ablest members of our 
 bar are at a loss how to advise their clients, owing to the ambiguous construction 
 of such laws; 1 say, after all these evils have grown out of our unfortunate and 
 unskillful system of laws, which have been made and promulgated to the world, 
 I have concluded to give the good people of our old State a few reasons for this 
 state of aftairs, and to do which I have prepared and will present "Granny 
 Short's Barbecue," as will appear in the following paper, and the design 
 of which is to show, not only the ways and means by which our law-makers are 
 elected, but the laws which are the legitimate offspring of such men and conduct ; 
 and what has been said of the actings and doings at the " Short " affair may, with 
 equal truth and propriety, be said of a large majority of the candidates who were 
 elected about the same time from the other counties in the State. Nor are those 
 who are promoted to the dignified station of law-revisers and makers the least 
 improved, but have retrograded, in more modern times, as their acts will show. 
 
 With all the follies of Underfoot and Loudun, the characters mentioned in the 
 subsequent pages, they were far superior to many of those who have succeeded 
 them, both in intellect and statesmanship, because they were sober and discreet, as 
 well as competent men, and were exceedingly watchful over the public money, 
 especially Underfoot, who had acquired great renown on that account. Not so, 
 however, with the legislators of modern times, many of whom seem to have vied 
 with each other to see who could waste the most of the public treasure for the pro- 
 motion and good of their J>afi}', without even a thought of the good of their country ; 
 nor have any of the parties been free from such profligacy. The root of this evil 
 is mere pai-ty strife, which has been growing worse ever since our'civil war, and 
 will, if continued, min the State. 
 
 As we know animal food nourishes and sustains the bodies of men, so we can 
 
^ 
 
 IV PREFACE. 
 
 see that drunkenness , debauchery, tricks, frauds, and impositions are the food of the 
 mind of some candidates who are intrusted with law-making; and as unwhole- 
 some and poisonous diets injure and enervate the body, so the poisonous notions 
 and practices of some candidates becloud and obscure their intellects until they 
 are wholly unfit for the stations they occupy ; hence their laws will partake and be- 
 come a part of their acts. As the minds of these law-makers are thus tinged with 
 the filth and slime of elections, the same will be seen in their laws, and as these 
 laws are unjust or unwise, the people whom they control will suffer from their ad- 
 ministration, and by these means the countless streams of evil which are absorbed 
 by these law-makers at still-houses, barbecues, drinking establishments, and the 
 like, with many of their tricks and frauds, will return through their acts as 
 so many pipes or aqueducts upon the heads of those that promoted such charac- 
 ters. Like the blood in the human frame, it is taken in by the arteries and car- 
 ried off by the veins, but all course through the same frame. And so with our 
 law-makers : the whisky, brandy, tricks, and devices which they absorb at the bar- 
 becues and other places pass into and fill their minds, and when they reach their 
 places of destination they begin to cast off this pollution, and, as evil never dies, 
 it is lodged in their laws, and returns to its original source, and curses and 
 scourges the people of our State without distinction. 
 
 We say that evil never dies; but it is clothed in garments of every grade, shape, 
 and fashion, and in colors of every hue, so as to always be fascinating and invit- 
 ing, but ever ready to sting and devour the victims, whether in the shape of law- 
 makers or otherwise. 
 
 As the pane of glass in our windows is the medium through which we can see 
 and look at outward objects, how easily can we detect the traces of smoke or other 
 substance which appears on this medium, and such obstructions may be such as to 
 entirely obscure the sight, so as to prevent us from the recognition of our most 
 intimate acquaintances; and just so with the statute laws and the Code of Prac- 
 tice of our State : we have to look through them as so many panes of glass to de- 
 tect their violations or observe our rights; but if these laws, like the panes of 
 glass, should be darkened and obstructed by the smoke of ignorance or intoxication, 
 so that the ablest courts and the wisest men among us can not discern their object 
 or meaning, and we all have to grope our way in the dark and simply surmise and 
 guess as to the real meaning of such laws, this would be terrible ; because then our 
 laws, which are the rules of our actions, would become mere shadows and cob- 
 webs, through which the guilty could always make their escape, and the innocent 
 would be punished, instead of that clear, stern, and unbending set of rules that 
 can be understood, and that will deal out impartial justice to all, and whose rules 
 and mandates could and would be enforced, revered, and obeyed on account of their 
 own inherent power atui authority. 
 
 While it is admitted that ever since the formation of our State Government 
 there have been honest and competent men elected every year to both branches of 
 our Legislature, yet it is to be regretted that in almost every instance where 
 important laws were introduced, those men have been overpowered by the 
 
PREFACE. V 
 
 less worthy and more incompetent members, who have passed our system of laws 
 as they appear in our present Codes of Practice and " General Staliites of Keti- 
 tucky.^'' 
 
 The object of this being to call attention to the ways and means by which that 
 crowd of men have been elected who have made our present laws, the great ma- 
 jority of them being strictly barbecue men, upon the back of many of whom we can 
 see the wool of the ram slain by Granny Short to feed her distinguished guests 
 sticking out, and over whose eyes the wool of the same animal must have been 
 pulled while they were framing their laws; and in order that my readers may un- 
 derstand and appreciate the truth of what I have here said, I will give otie of the 
 many absurdities of their laws, and in order that they may Ji)id, see, and read these 
 laws for themselves (for otherwise they never would believe there were such laws), 
 I will refer to the sections, chapters, and pages of the General Statutes where they 
 can be found. 
 
 By section i, article 14, chapter 5, page 151 of the General Statute laws of Ken- 
 tucky, it is declared : " It shall be the duty of the attorney for the Commonwealth 
 to attend each Circuit Court holden in his district, and prosecute all violations of 
 the criminal and penal laws therein, and discharge all other duties assigned him 
 by law." 
 
 All this is just as it should be; it is right and proper in all respects. But what 
 must we think of section 4 and 5 of article 31 and chapter 30, on page 361 of the 
 same book, which was made by the same men and at the same time, and which 
 reads as follows : 
 
 "An attorney for the Commonwealth shall not practice law except in civil pro- 
 ceedings in his own district, and in such proceedings as he may have been em- 
 ployed before the acceptance of his office or to which he may be a party." 
 
 Now who is so blind as not to see that there is a palpable contradiction between 
 these sections ? Not only so, but the contradiction is of the most iinporiajit char- 
 acter, for each of these laws applies to the most efficient officers of our State except 
 the judges, and by these sections their duties, obligations, and responsibilities are pre- 
 scribed, and that in language too plain to be misunderstood. 
 
 This officer is also sivo?n to attend to his duties to the best of his skill and abil- 
 ity ; besides, under this very law (the first section), it is made his duty " to attend 
 each Circuit Court holden in his district, and prosecute all violations of the crimi- 
 nal and penal laws therein, and discharge all other duties assigned him by law." 
 
 This language is clear, plain, and easily understood, and there is but one way 
 to comply with its terms, and that is to strictly adhere to its provisions by the per- 
 formance of the several duties prescribed by its terms; and in fact this is substan- 
 tially what all such officers are sivom to do. 
 
 The Constitution of the State created these officers, but the act alluded to put 
 them all in motion and pointed out their duties, and then required them to be sol- 
 emnly sivorn that they would well and tx\\\y perforin those duties, and by this law 
 the whole legal machinery, so far as these officers were concerned, was put in 
 operation ; but while this machinery was running on in the most harmonious 
 
VI PREFACE. 
 
 manner, the law-mechanics put another wheel into the affair, which moved in 
 exactly an opposite direction, and, coming in direct conflict with the first, neutralized 
 and obstnicted the entire work. This is ivisdom -with a vengeance, as well as the legiti- 
 mate oflfspring of barbecues, and the whole affair covered with the wool of the 
 black ram which was slain and eaten at the "Short" affair, as will be seen in a 
 subsequent part of this book. 
 
 But let us see the language of the fifth section, same page (361), which reads 
 as follows (speaking, of the provisions of the fourth section): "Any person so 
 offending shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and, upon conviction, shall be fined 
 not less than one hundred dollars, nor more than five hundred dollars." 
 
 This caps the climax of all manner of absurdity. Let us see the practical work- 
 ings of this noble system. 
 
 We will suppose the Commonwealth's attorney to be acting under the first sec- 
 tion, which requires him to "attend each Circuit Court holden in his district, and 
 prosecute all violations of the criminal and penal laws therein." We will sup- 
 pose, too, that he has been in attendance at all of the courts in his district at the 
 vSpring terms thereof, and has prosecuted several hundred cases for the violation of 
 those laws, and has caused numerous convictions of some of the worst men in the 
 country, and after this is done he starts around the Fall circuits of the same courts 
 with the intention to still prosecute such offenders; and lo ! and behold ! the first 
 Commonwealth cases that are called are whole batches of indictments against 
 himself ior a violation of the penal laws in the practice of the criminal and penal 
 laws at the courts before in open violation of the last-named sections. Under this 
 state of affairs he must commence prosecutions against himself, and labors hard to 
 have a fine of not less than 07te nor more than five hundred dollars inflicted on 
 himself for practicing in criminal and penal cases in violation of the provisions of 
 the fourth section named ! 
 
 It is evident that the wise law-makers and revisors intended to put all the attor- 
 neys for the Commonwealth in full training so as to understand their speed and 
 bottom. In the Spring courts this army of officers is made to move in solid col- 
 umn, with all their witnesses, against the violators of tlie criminal and penal laws; 
 and at the next term these same individuals are made to move upon themselves with 
 like rapidity for what they had done at the previous courts. This is like old John 
 White's dream of his ramrod; he thought it was a whipsaw, and cut both ways. 
 
 These officers are truly in a deplorable condition. The law-makers command 
 them to do certain things, and require them to be s-tuorn to do them, and then punish 
 them for doing what they were commanded and sworn to do, and, worse than all, 
 make ihem prosecitte themselves for doing as the satne individuals commanded. Such 
 conduct can not be surpassed in any of the Pagan codes. So much for batbecues, 
 whisky, and ?-a?ns. 
 
 Yes, well may it be said that those distinguished law-makers intended to put 
 such officers in complete training, like the dog after the rabbit, first running in a 
 straight line after the animal until he is about to pick it up, when the nimble 
 creature squats, takes a sudden turn back under full speed, while it requires the 
 canine some time to check up after he and the game have turned tail to tail; but 
 
PREFACE. vn 
 
 then when he checks he turns and comes back in full tilt after the cunning 
 dodger, and thus the race is continued until the dog loses his wind, and the game 
 makes its escape. And so with these laws : one of them runs the officers in great 
 speed after the violators of the criminal and penal laws, and about the time those 
 officers are about to convict the offenders, the laws in the fourth and fifth sections 
 not only call them back and start them on another course, but make them turn 
 and hark ai themselves. Hurrah for Granny Short's Barbecue ! Well done for the 
 ram and his rider ! 
 
GRANNY SHORT'S BARBECUE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 At the earnest solicitation of numerous distinguished citizens 
 of this Commonwealth, I have concluded to make a brief record 
 of a few of the doings and sayings attending a celebrated race 
 for the Senate in Kentucky, which came off in the counties of 
 Garrard and Lincoln in the year 1840; and in doing this it will 
 be necessary to speak of some things of a minor character by 
 way of introduction to the memorable barbecue of "Granny 
 Short." It will likewise become necessary to say something 
 regarding the customs and actions of the candidates for office in 
 those days, not only in the counties mentioned, but throughout 
 the State, for they were not confined to any particular locality ; so 
 that whatever may be said of the conduct of the candidates 
 hereafter named may be well said of all the candidates through- 
 out the State. In fact, this narrative is intended as a mere 
 index of what was then going on in the entire Commonwealth. 
 At that time there was a morbid appetite, a burning rage, for 
 office in all the land, and in many instances the aspirants were 
 men of no qualification — not so, however, with the candidates 
 we will here speak of — and this thirst and want of qualification 
 exists to some extent even to this day. 
 
 About the last of March, 1840, there was an uncommon 
 amount of bowing and scraping, shaking hands, loud talking, 
 and laughing in and about the streets of Lancaster by a man 
 who lived in that place, known as Major A. G. Underfoot, who 
 had been elected once from the county of Garrard, and twice 
 from an adjoining county, to the Legislature. He was a tall, 
 raw-boned man, commanding in appearance; his feet were large 
 
lO GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 and becoming to one of his size, and, standing, he was somewhat 
 knock-kneed and bandy-shanked ; full-breasted, broad, square 
 shoulders, an extremely large and red neck, upon which sat 
 with great heaviness an enormous head, somewhat bald ; his 
 eyes were of a keen blue, overshadowed with heavy black 
 brows; his face was very brassy, and he had a voice like a lion, 
 and the most unbounded confidence in himself. He had little 
 education, but a native intellect seldom surpassed ; was inclined 
 to stand about on the streets and talk loud, especially when he 
 thought he was saying smart and funny things; had been a can- 
 didate several times, and had abundance of experience in that 
 line; was a good dancer, and could pat "juba" with a vim, and, 
 withal, had so managed as to make a great number of people 
 believe that he was one of the greatest orators throughout the 
 world. Besides, after his first return from the Legislature, he 
 brought the Journals of the House of Representatives with him, 
 and carried them all over the country, showing his vote for and 
 against certain public measures. These books he called his 
 "Cousins," and carried them as long as he was a candidate for 
 office. 
 
 The fact is, all things considered, he was one of the best and 
 most watchful representatives that ever had a seat in the Ken- 
 tucky Legislatu\e. He was in public business in Garrard 
 County, and knew almost every man in it. He was quite a 
 nimble man, sometimes in the house, at other times out of 
 doors or in the public square. Wherever groups of people were 
 found, he was there, shaking hands and cracking jokes. He 
 did abundance of good talking and loud laughing with all the 
 men, women, and children in the county with whom he hap- 
 pened to meet. In all his conversations he complained loudly 
 of "hard times," and vehemently denounced the Legislature 
 for its "careless and wanton expenditure of the people's 
 money." 
 
 In short, it was apparent that he intended to become a candi- 
 date for the Senate in the district in which he resided, and see- 
 ing that he was making rapid progress in obtaining secret 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. I I 
 
 pledges from some of the best men in the country, it was soon 
 resolved by his political adversaries to give him a race, and the 
 great question was, "Who would be able to cope with him?" 
 for he had grown to be a mighty man in the earth. In casting 
 about it was soon discovered that there was no man in Garrard 
 County willing to run who could defeat him, and of course the 
 count}^ of Lincoln was resorted to for a proper candidate, the 
 two forming one Senatorial district. For the accomplishment 
 of this end runners were started to Lincoln to choose a suitable 
 man to make the race. 
 
 After some examination, a man by the name of W. G. Lou- 
 dun, of Lincoln, V\'as selected by the knowing ones to make the 
 race, and as the Garrard County Court was close at hand, Lou- 
 dun was requested to come to the county-seat on Sunday eve- 
 ning, immediately preceding county court, and to stop at a desig- 
 nated tavern in order to meet a few of his particular friends and 
 converse with them regarding the anticipated race, and consult 
 as to the necessary ways and means to defeat the Major, who b}^ 
 that time had added greatly to his number of committals, and 
 who, it was thought, if permitted to go on a i'ew days longer, 
 would prove invincible 
 
 Loudun was on hand promptly, and was waited upon by a 
 select number of faithful and knowing men — as it was sup- 
 posed — shortly after dark. The common civilities having been 
 exchanged, they forthwith commenced conversing in regard to 
 the "critical condition of the country," and the great import- 
 ance of having, not only an able, but an available man to make 
 the race, and, after vividly depicting the ruin that would follow 
 a defeat, asked Mr. Loudun to deal candidly with them, and 
 say whether he thought he could defeat the Major, and the 
 number of votes he would be compelled to have in Garrard 
 County in order to secure his election. All were then silent, 
 awaiting a response from Loudun, except old Jack Whitaco 
 (a man of greatly more zeal than knowledge), who interrupted 
 the stillness by swearing that "any body or thing could beat 
 Underfoot." To this remark Loudun, who was an exceedingly 
 
12 GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 well-balanced and cautious man, replied: "Gentlemen, I am in 
 your hands and will make the race if thought best, but in doing 
 this let us act like sensible men ; let no man be deceived in 
 Underfoot, for he is and will be a hard man to beat. He is 
 greatly above mediocrity in point of intellect; he has an iron 
 constitution, and is bold and fearless ; and even if he should 
 be caught in a downright falsehood, he will turn it to his ad- 
 vantage and make himself the more popular by it. He has 
 some political experience, and is a mighty man to lay plans, 
 inaugurate and successfully carry out barbecues, etc." 
 
 These remarks were listened to with great attention, and 
 were fully concurred in by every one but Whitico, who seemed 
 to set all that had been said at defiance, and persistently con- 
 tended that Underfoot was nowhere and nobody. 
 
 The question was again asked Loudun what number of votes 
 he was compelled to obtain in Garrard to secure success. To 
 which he replied, " At least five hundred." 
 
 The committee then withdrew to consult and make some cal- 
 culations, promising to return again that night with an answer, 
 for all things were bound to be in readiness by sun-up the next 
 morning. 
 
 This consultation continued until two o'clock in the morning, 
 when it was determined to promise the five hundred votes. 
 
 A committee of five was then appointed to wait on Loudun 
 and inform him of the result of their deliberations, in order to 
 give him some time to think and prepare for the day. 
 
 When the committee made their report, he reluctantly said: 
 "Well, gentlemen, I am a candidate, and will do the best I 
 can until the last day in the evening; but you must not expect 
 much of me, as I never have been in the habit of making pub- 
 lic speeches and canvassing among the people." 
 
 This said, the candidate and friends separated; but none of 
 them slept any that night, thinking of what was to be uunc on 
 that day. 
 
 Before sun-up everything was in full motion, supposing Un- 
 derfoot was still napping ; but as some of the friends passed his 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 1 3 
 
 cellar, in which many barreb of "Old Bourbon" were de- 
 posited, they found a large number of men, of nearly every age 
 and complexion, collected there in order to quench their thirst ; 
 and as Underfoot came around the corner from his dwelling, 
 with the key in his hand, a general shout went up from the 
 "cellar crowd" in favor of the Major, who, they swore, was 
 the greatest man in the world, and would beat any man in the 
 district that dared to run against him. 
 
 This made Loudun and his friends rather tremble in their 
 boots, and especially when they saw Whitico there, who had so 
 recently been in consultation with them, for it was then mani- 
 fest that all the plans of Loudun were known to the Major. 
 Whitico was now the noisiest man in the crowd in favor of 
 Underfoot. 
 
 The key was then applied to the cellar door, which flew open 
 like the rock of the forty thieves so authentically described in 
 the "Arabian Nights." The Major bade the crowd "fall in" 
 and help themselves, which they proceeded immediately to do, 
 and after each man had gorged himself and filled his bottle, or, 
 in other words, had "wooded," as they called it, they came 
 out, the Major and Whitico arm in arm, who, it appeared, were 
 the best of friends, and this was amply proven at the election, 
 when Whitico voted for the Major. After the election, how- 
 ever, seeing that the Major was defeated, he swore that he had 
 voted for Loudun, but the clerk of the election had recorded 
 his vote wrong. 
 
 By the time the cellar was properly emptied, the people from 
 the country began to pour into town, some putting up at the 
 taverns, and some hitching their horses under the trees and to 
 the posts around the public square. 
 
 The cellar was again thrown open, and so remained during 
 the day, while the multitude passed in and out like bees to their 
 hive. 
 
 The Major also had one of his store-rooms lined with big- 
 bellied quart bottles, filled with real good gin for the sole bene- 
 fit of certain characters, men of distinction and of known modesty. 
 
14 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 In the meantime the Major took the town, traveUng through- 
 out the pubHc square, in the streets, and back alleys. His lion 
 voice could be heard far above all the confusion of the place and 
 above the cry of the auctioneers, who were engaged in selling 
 property, and who seemed to vie with each other as to who 
 could make the greatest noise. Finally Underfoot, who had 
 been a constable in his time, came back to the public square 
 and requested one of the ablest auctioneers to permit him to 
 take charge of and cry off a small bob-tailed, roachcd-mane 
 black pony that was in the ring. The auctioneer giving his 
 consent and handing the animal over, the Major mounted a stile- 
 block, and, straightening himself up, cried, at the top of his 
 voice: "I, too, am in the field by blood, and will offer a thing 
 for sale which beats all the things in this town ! " At this an- 
 nouncement the crowd left all the other stands and came run- 
 ning to the Major, and immediately upon their arrival com- 
 menced bidding in the most spirited manner, soon running the 
 pony up to high figures, when he was knocked off to one of 
 them to the admiration of the whole crowd, who declared with 
 one accord that there was not in the whole world another such 
 a man as Underfoot. 
 
 By this time the town was filled with people, and it was 
 noised abroad pretty generally that Loudun was, or would that 
 day become, a candidate in opposition to the Major, and that 
 he had opened his batteries in the two principal taverns in the 
 place, where whisky was made to flow in great abundance, and 
 where quite a crowd of men had collected to see what was in the 
 wind, as well as to converse with the new candidate, who was 
 first in one and then in the other tavern with friends, busily en- 
 gaged in introducing him to the throngs of people constantly 
 flocking in. 
 
 In the middle of these introductions. Underfoot, with a few 
 of his friends, came rushing into the crowd, and running up to 
 Loudun, they seized each other by the hand, as if they were de- 
 lighted to meet. 
 
 The Major then asked Loudun if he really was a candidate for 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 15 
 
 the Senate, to which Loudun repHed in the affirmative, where- 
 upon the Major advised him to "decHnethe race immediately," 
 stating "that from Loudun's reputation he had always thought 
 well of him, and therefore he did not desire to make a public 
 example of him by defeating him so badly as to disgrace him 
 and his family in all time to come, and this he was sure to do if 
 the race continued." To this Loudun replied: "That was the 
 thing about to be tested, and if he even was beaten, such occur- 
 rences were quite frequent in the country, and he would be 
 compelled to bear up under it with fortitude." 
 
 While this conversation was progressing, some of the Major's 
 "cellar friends" ran into the court-house and commenced ring- 
 ing the bell for the assembling of the people to hear the speak- 
 ing and see the wide difference, as they said, between the two 
 candidates. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 At the sound of the bell, one of the Major's friends ran to 
 the door and cried, with a loud voice: "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! 
 The candidates are now in town, and will speak if the people 
 will come in ! " 
 
 Hearing this proclamation, the multitude started in with one 
 accord, pressing together so closely as to endanger their lives. 
 The seats and windows were immediately filled. 
 
 The candidates now made their appearance, coming in at 
 opposite doors, amidst the shouts of the multitude, one of them 
 turning to the left and the other to the right, moving slowly to 
 the long stand in the end of the court-house, which they reached 
 about the same time ; one turned to the right and the other to 
 the left, and both walking forward until they met each other 
 about the center of the stand, face to face. 
 
 The Major now determined, if possible, to get the "send- 
 off" or "the laugh," as it was called, which on such occasions 
 was more desirable than all the logic and oratory in the world. 
 So seizing Loudun by the hand, he turned to the audience and 
 
1 6 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 gave him a formal introduction, saying: "I will introduce to 
 you, Mr. Loudun, of Lincoln, a candidate, as I understand, for 
 the Senate in this district, and a man that will be badly beaten 
 at that, if your ' Uncle Dennis ' (as he called himself) lives and 
 keeps his health." 
 
 At this announcement a universal roar of laughter shook the 
 building, after which profound silence prevailed for a moment, 
 when Loudun bowed to the audience and remarked: "I am 
 merely present to declare myself a candidate for the Senate in 
 the district composed of the counties of Lincoln and Garrard. 
 I do not profess to be much of a speaker, neither am I a great 
 boaster, and especially beforehand ; but mark what I say, the 
 Major will be a dead cock in the pit by the time I am done with 
 him.'' 
 
 He then took his seat amidst great laughter, for some of them 
 had never heard such words as "dead cock in the pit" before. 
 
 A loud and long call was then made for the Major to come 
 forward. Some cried out: "Come it, my old beaver!" and 
 others, ' ' Bounce him and lay him out to cool my Gray Eagle ! " 
 "Hop him, old fellow, bounce him, for you are able to do it! " 
 
 He sprang to his feet, with his eyes shining like a mink in a 
 hole, and proceeded as follows : 
 
 "I thank my God this day, my fellow-citizens, that I am in 
 the old and respectable county of Garrard, the home of as great 
 men as ever occupied this blood-stained earth ; and especially 
 do I thank my God that I am a man of standing and able to 
 cope with any of them ; and above all, I am glad to be able to 
 stand before so large and intelligent an audience, and that I am 
 a man common with yourselves, and that I have at all times 
 had the good of the great body and mass of the people deep 
 down in my big heart." Here he smote himself on the breast 
 until he well nigh stopped his wind, and proceeded: "Yes, at 
 my heart, and no wonder, for the great body and the mass of 
 you, the people, have always been for me as you, the people, 
 know. [Cries of ' that's the truth. '] 
 
 "I am a man of talents and experience, as the wide world 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. I J 
 
 knows. I have often decorated the legislative halls of your 
 State from this and other counties, as you, the people, know, 
 and when I was there, thank the Lord, I was not afraid or 
 ashamed of my God ; neither was I ashamed of my country or 
 of myself I then and there strenuously and boisterously op- 
 posed all the extravagant measures which were constantly being 
 offered. And let me say to you, such another gang for profli- 
 gacy and extravagance never was made in the six days. And 
 this I told them to their teeth. 
 
 "The first extravagant measure introduced after I got there 
 was a bill to increase the salaries of the judges. I Jii it. When 
 they asked to give something to the deaf and dumb ass-sy-lum, 
 I fit that. When they desired to erect a school for the educa- 
 tion of the blind, I fit that. Whey they tried to get compensa- 
 tion for killing wolves, wild cats, red and gray foxes, etc. , I fit 
 that. WHien they offered a reward for the killing of sheep-kill- 
 ing dogs, I fit that. When they wanted to lock and dam the 
 Kentucky River, I fit that. When they wanted to construct 
 railroads and turnpikes at the expense of the people, I fit that. 
 When they introduced the general appropriation bill for the 
 benefit of the Legislature in order to pay for stationery, etc. , I 
 fit that. Because, I say, let every man who is elected, from 
 the Governor down, work for the Jionor of the thing and find 
 himself. Moreover, I called \h& y esses and noses on everything 
 attempted to be passed, for I was determined to show their 
 conduct to you, the people. 
 
 "But what will become of you if you send that fellow?" 
 (humping over and looking scornfully down upon Loudun.) 
 "Yes, I say, what will become of you if you elect that cock?" 
 (Here he straightened himself up, set his arms akimbo, snapped 
 his eyes, rather squatted — the whole house in a tempest of 
 laughter.) " If he is elected he will vote for every extravagant 
 measure that may be introduced." 
 
 Loudun now motioned the Major to suspend, and remarked 
 in a tone that was heard only by those near the stand, "that 
 he denied that charge." 
 
 The Major proceeded — great drops of sweat falling from his 
 
1 8 GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 forehead— "Oh yes, I am bringing you to your milk, am I, I 
 will make you squat before I am clone with }'Ou. 
 
 "Yes, my fellow-citizens, when I was in the Legislature they 
 wanted to make an appropriation to furnish the Governor's 
 mansion with carpets, but I jit that ; they wanted to furnish it 
 with fine sofas and cheers, but I fit that; they wanted to repair 
 the Capitol, but I // that." 
 
 The Major having become Jiot in the craw and somewhat fa- 
 tigued, paused for a few moments, asking the audience to be 
 patient with him and listen closely, as he had something to say 
 to them more important than anything he had yet said. 
 
 He presently continued: "Yes, my fellow-citizens, as I was 
 about to say, a bill was introduced, the object of which was to 
 appropriate ten thousand dollars for the improvement of the 
 lunattic ass-sy-liun at Lexington, where men who are of no man- 
 ner account get high salaries for their little attention, and where 
 a few of the aristocracy of the country are to be fed and clothed 
 and pampered because they are crazy. My God! this proposi- 
 tion brought your ' Uncle Dennis ' to his feet. I felt my 
 blood rush through my whole system in a different way to what 
 it ever had before. I felt warmed up, and determined to take 
 no thought of what I would then say, as I knew that the spirit 
 would give me utterance and that words would be placed in my 
 mouth from on high. My God! I then stood boldly and 
 proudly in the center of the Capitol of your State, and while I 
 was thus standing I wished that I had a voice as loud as Ga- 
 briel's trumpet, that I might not only be heard by the people 
 to the uttermost ends of the earth, but that I might awaken the 
 nations under the ground and proclaim to them the shameful 
 tale. 
 
 " I first turned my attention to the Speaker of the House, and 
 made a lunge at him which caused him to tremble on his throne. 
 Looking him steadily in the face, I said : ' Heavens and earth 
 and quakerest-dumptee, what is the country coming to ? Are 
 we here to make distinctions among men ? To feed and clothe 
 and pamper some and make brutes and dogs of others ? Has it 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 1 9 
 
 come to the pass that the cursed crime of ingratitude has 
 found its way in the hearts of the members of this august body, 
 not one of zvJioni but is now filling his seat by the votes of that 
 very class of men, and yet they are to be excluded from your 
 bounty. Why not let the bill state in general terms that all iJie 
 women and men of unsound mind over the age of tiventy-one year's in 
 this CommomvealtJi shall equally share the provisions of this law 
 and have a finger in the pie ? 
 
 "'Because it is well known that thousands and tens of 
 thousands of these very characters are out where there is one 
 of them in, or even proposed to be put into the establishment. 
 I know that there are at least two-thirds of my constituents 
 (bless their hearts) in the same condition ; and do you suppose 
 I would be for the few at Lexington against my own dear 
 people. God forbid that any of us should be so unmindful of 
 our nearest and dearest neighbors, and our most devoted and 
 ardent and unflinching supporters.' 
 
 "I then turned myself to the members, throwing my right 
 foot forward and my left foot backward, gradually extending 
 the one and stepping back the other until the seat of my 
 breeches dragged the floor. I then snatched my wig from my 
 head and stood with it in my hand as if it had been a scalp that 
 I had taken in the Indian war. I humped myself double, drew 
 down my eye-brows, stuck out my chin, then gathered all the 
 wind I could and puffed and swelled, and all the time said 
 nothing in order to draw the undivided attention of the house 
 on me ; everything was silent and somewhat frightened, and I 
 remained in this shape and condition for about a half an hour, 
 when I broke their spell-bound silence by saying, You sons of 
 bitches, what are you about? What do you mean? I have 
 caught you at last, have I ? You want to provide for the few 
 and neglect the many, do you? You want to neglect your own 
 constituents for the people of Lexington, hey?' I cut them to 
 the bone every lick until they trembled before me like slaves. 
 [Cries of 'Hurrah, my Major! you was not afraid to tell them 
 what you knew, and you knows it all. '] No, I thank my God 
 I was not afraid to tell them the truth. [Cries of ' How did they 
 
20 GRANxNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 look when you was putting the daubing to them?'] How did 
 they look ? Yes, how could they look but like sheep-killing 
 dogs, as many of them were? I told them the truth, the whole 
 truth, and nothing but the truth, and when I spoke on that 
 great occasion, I felt as large as Goliah of Gath, for I was then 
 strengthened by the Lord, and felt as if I was going forth on 
 the earth conquering and to conquer. 
 
 "Yes, my fellow-citizens, I now see standing before me, in 
 this large and respectable crowd, many, yes, very many, men 
 in a far worse condition of mind than the few inmates of the Lex- 
 ington Ass-sj-lwn, about which all this noise is made, and for 
 which this most unholy appropriation is asked to be made ; and 
 what I have so truthfully said about my own most worthy 
 friends and ardent supporters, and about my entire constituency, 
 I am sure will apply with equal force to others, for they are all 
 pretty much in the same way of thinking as respects their 
 minds; and this I say, fearless of all manner of doubt or contra- 
 diction. 
 
 "I am sure that no man will think that I, even I, who am ever 
 mindful of the great body and mass of the people, will now for- 
 sake them in this, their greatest hour of trial, and sneak about 
 after strange gods. No, sir-ee, never! Yes, my fellow-citizens, 
 the Most High was with me in that awful struggle, or I never 
 could — as I did — have prevailed in defeating that most shame- 
 ful measure. 
 
 "This is what is made by having a man of knowledge and ex- 
 perience at the head of affairs, and I am that identical man. 
 [Cries of 'True, O King! '] My fellow-citizens, I put that Leg- 
 islature to open shame. I fit it then ; I warmed them ; I run 
 them out of their breeches and ruined their households forever ! 
 Yes, sir, I am a friend to the great body and mass of the people, 
 for whom I have fit, bled, and died on more than a thousand 
 occasions. They called me troublesome — 'Old Troublesome' 
 — and I fit that. 
 
 When I returned home on many occasions from the Legisla- 
 ture, where you, the people, sent me, I did not come tongue- 
 tied and with my thumb in my mouth, as many do, for I was 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 21 
 
 always ready to give a reason for the hope that was within me, 
 and to put to flight everything that attempted to stand before me. 
 In fact, I never saw a man, woman, or child in the whole course 
 of my days that could cope with me. I tell you I'm a Avhale. 
 
 "When I came back to you, the people, I brought the Jour- 
 nals of the House of Representatives with me ; I call them my 
 own dear 'Cousins.' This I do in order to show you, the peo- 
 ple, what your servants had done, and what they have tried to 
 do, with the money of you, the people. In fact, I was deter- 
 mined to expose those scoundrels to the whole world, and at 
 the same time to convince everybody that I was the only good 
 man upon earth. 
 
 "For this I was called a busy-body, an old meddler, and 
 demagogue by some of the people who were evil-minded. I 
 was traduced, slandered, and belied ; one falsehood and one 
 scandalous tale after another have been perpetrated on me until 
 I hardly know my own name. And I now call on my fellow- 
 citizens to stand by me. 
 
 "But, notwithstanding all this bad treatment and all these 
 lies, I have run rough-shod over everything that has come in 
 my way, and will do it again. [Cries of ' He is a horse and can 
 take them.'] Yes, I am not only a horse, but a pawing one at 
 that. [Cries from a thousand voices of 'that's the truth.'] 
 
 "But, as I was going on to say, I have been the worst- 
 abused man in this world, and that, too, by my enemies, in 
 whom the devil seems 'to dwell.'" 
 
 Old Reese -Coats, who was a heavy-set man, and who was sit- 
 ting before the Major, here let go all holds, spread like a pan- 
 cake on his seat, burst into a flood of tears, and exclaimed : 
 "The Major is the worst-treated man I ever saw ! " and, having 
 thus declared his sentiments, fell back limber as a rag. This 
 speech, spread, and fall of Coats greatly encouraged the Major, 
 who was now suffused with tears, and who thereupon ex- 
 claimed: 
 
 "Fellow-citizens, I now declare, in the presence of this con- 
 gregation of the Lord, if I knew the man that had told these 
 
22 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE, 
 
 lies on mc I would commit suicide upon him before the going 
 down of the sun." 
 
 Here everybody in the house yelled and laughed and stamped, 
 and the Major, thinking he had said something smart, repeated 
 the same remark with increased emphasis several times, until 
 the whole crowd became breathless, when he left the stand, as 
 he supposed, in great trininpJi. 
 
 No doubt many valuable remarks would have been made by 
 other candidates present — in fact, Loudun intended to say 
 sometfiing more — but all such thoughts were abandoned, be- 
 cause the whole congregation ivas tJien without ivind. 
 
 As the Major left the stand he gave a general invitation to 
 everybody to follow him and get something good to drink. A 
 large number took him at his word, and immediately moved 
 after him in solid column. His cellar door being open, they 
 filed in until further entrance was impossible. Those who could 
 not enter the cellar went to the store-room, which, as before 
 remarked, was amply supplied for the occasion, and they re- 
 mained drinking until the fall of the night, when the greater 
 portion of them left as best they could, while quite a number 
 of others remained all night, and, straggling away the next 
 morning, persistently contended that every side of the road was 
 theirs. 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 As soon as the crowd came out of the Court-house it was an- 
 nounced by some of Loudun's friends that there was " plenty 
 to drink at the two taverns, where Loudun would be pleased to 
 meet with as many of the people as could be present." 
 
 At this announcement a considerable number started to the 
 taverns, some for one purpose and some for another, but mostly 
 to hear what the new candidate would have to say, and to see 
 how he would conduct himself, in order to report the same to 
 the Major, and above all to quench their thirst. 
 
 The conversation of Loudun was listened to with great atten- 
 tion by the Major's friends, who found fault with all he said, old 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 23 
 
 man Whitaco being the main man to pick flaws, who took fre- 
 quent occasions to say that even he had at one time been a 
 London man, but had long since become convinced of the error 
 of his ways and abandoned him. Besides, he and others said 
 that the times were so critical that it required men of great ex- 
 perience and boldness in matters of legislation, and that on this 
 account the Major was the man for the position. 
 
 There was considerable drinking and fighting going on in the 
 taverns, all brought on by the Underfoot men, who, as soon as 
 the battles were over, ran out into the public square and streets 
 and proclaimed to the few sober and well-meaning men they 
 found, that such conduct was shameful, and had all been caused 
 by Loudun and his friends, seeming to lament all such occur- 
 rences, and predicting their fears that such things would be 
 kept up throughout the canvass. 
 
 This had the desired effect on some of those with whom the 
 conversation had been carried on, who declared that they had 
 intended to vote for Loudun, but such conduct was shameful, 
 and they were determined to support Underfoot. 
 
 Early the next morning the Major notified Loudun that he 
 was no common man, " that he intended to beard the lion in his 
 den," and that he would, on the Monday following, open the 
 canvass in Loudun's county, and never stop until he had gone 
 to all the public places in the county, and visited all the dwel- 
 ling-houses in the county, had a shaking of hands and a conver- 
 sation with every man, woman, and child in it. That he would 
 also take his "Cousins" with him, and cry aloud and spare not. 
 
 These threats terrified Loudun for a time, but, recovering a 
 little, he accepted the proposition and invited Underfoot into 
 the field, with the assurance that he would stick to him closer 
 than a brother. 
 
 All things being arranged, Loudun immediately left and rode 
 slowly away, reflecting upon the course he should pursue. For 
 a while he was despondent, but ultimately he picked up courage 
 and determined to make the best fight at the Major he could, 
 and to this end determined to take some of his best friends with 
 him, and also supply himself with an abundance of good whisky, 
 
24 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 sugar, and the like, and to meet the Major at Waynesburg, in 
 said county, where, as they said, "an abundance of fur would 
 be made to fly." 
 
 It was the intention of the Major to have left home a little 
 sooner, but, as many of his friends will remember to this day, 
 his domestic affairs and a " certain" lawsuit (matters of a deli- 
 cate nature), which had been set on foot and was then pending 
 against him in the County Court, required his personal attention 
 in his own town, but as soon as the nature of the case would 
 permit, he called in some of his most faithful friends and gave 
 to them certain instructions. To one he said: "I want you to 
 start early in the morning to Loudun's town ; get there as soon 
 as possible, and look about and see what you can ; be quiet, say 
 nothing, but listen and watch well, and find out what is in the 
 wind ; then go to some of my privy counsel there, whose names 
 I will furnish before you start; tell them to be on their heels all 
 the time, and to let no chance slip of speaking of my ability and 
 experience as a man for the times ; tell them (that is, our 
 friends), one and all, to stand firm, speak positive about my 
 election, and be bold and talk loud, and to always be ready to 
 give quick and fierce answers to any questions that may be asked 
 them ; and, above all things, you must see that big John King 
 and Reuben Hunter are on the ground at the barbecue early on 
 the day that may be fixed for the barbecue, with plenty of 
 whisky and sugar and an abundance of mint." 
 
 He then addressed all his counsel generally, saying: "Well, 
 boys, you see and know what is before you. Everything must 
 be taken by storm at that barbecue, and you know that I am the 
 man to do that job, and I want as many of you as can to be 
 there on that day." 
 
 Here one of them responded: " We will not only go, but will 
 do e\^erything within the compass of our power for you when we 
 get there to defeat that mischief-making, unprincipled Loudun 
 in his sneaking attempts to beat you, and who was the cause of 
 bloodshed in the streets of Lancaster on the last Monday." 
 
 To this the Major replied : ' ' That's the truth ; keep it stirring 
 before the people, but be careful always to mention the thing 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 25 
 
 to, and in the presence of, laboring and civil men — not at bar- 
 becues, but at their houses and at church meetings." 
 
 The following conversation then took place between them : 
 
 Shiner — "Well, Major, give us your plan of operations; 
 what is to be done before we start, and on the Avay, and after 
 we reach our place of destination ; for you knoAv everything 
 depends upon good management in the beginning of a canvass. 
 Give us all your views touching the entire matter." 
 
 The Major — "I am pleased to hear you make these remarks, 
 because they are not only true, but well-timed. 
 
 "Here is my plan. I want you and Coats to leave here 
 early on Friday morning, so as to give yourselves ample time 
 to stop along the road, at all the houses, and let it be known 
 there will be a speaking between me and Loudun at the Waynes- 
 burg barbecue, where every body, and especially the ladies, are 
 invited and expected to attend. Also let it be known that 
 there will be a plenty to eat and drink, and that which is good ; 
 that there will be an abundance of speaking there that day by 
 one of the ablest men that ever opened chops ; that there will 
 be a great deal of fiddling and dancing; that there will be 
 oceans of fun ; and that in the evening the head of a hogshead of 
 whisky will be knocked out, and two hundred pounds of sugar 
 thrown into it, and that every man and woman on the ground 
 will be permitted to drink, and carry what they please home with 
 them in their bottles and jugs, free of cost. When you reach 
 the 'Knobs' at 'Hall's Gap,' turn immediately to the left, into 
 a small path, which will lead you to the house of one Tucker, 
 a splendid fiddler. Stop at that place. Tell him the Major 
 sent you, and that you want to remain all night. Then take 
 him a little to one side, where his family will not hear what you 
 say, hand him three silver half dollars, and tell him he shall 
 have as much more if he needs it. Tell him to send after five 
 other fiddlers in that neighborhood, and if they can not be had 
 in that county (but get them there if possible), then tell him to 
 send and get what may be lacking from Pulaski County, where 
 he will find any quantity of that class of men — for I understand 
 there are over twelve hundred well-qualified fiddlers in that 
 
26 GRANNY SHORT's BARBECUE. 
 
 county, besides nearly as many more that can perform well on vio- 
 lins. In fact, it is said that Pulaski is now the most musical 
 county in all the earth ; having learned from the ancient musicians 
 on Tate's Creek, Skillet and Jig Water, in Madison County, and 
 at the Mutton Plains, which were once the seat of all the fine 
 music in the world. But remember we want men with fiddles, 
 and by no manner of means get violinists ; and remember also 
 to have those men there a little before day, so that when I 
 come I can post them on the duties of the day, which will be 
 manifold. 
 
 "After you attend to the affairs with Tucker, I then want 
 Shiner to send after 'little' Tommy Brown, who is a mighty 
 friend of mine, and exceedingly fierce and active, and get him 
 to start before day on Sunday morning and see ' big ' John 
 King, 'fighting ' Jim Roberts, 'old' Joel Upchurch, Joe Run- 
 yon, Oliver Glass, Henry Sparks, and as many others of the 
 same sort as can be found ; and when they come you must 
 instruct them all to yell for the Major at the top of their voices 
 when I reach the stand, and throughout my whole speech. 
 But tell them to watch you, and when you yell they must yell ; 
 when you are silent, they must be silent; and whatever you 
 say, they must say the same thing after you. Be sure to keep 
 these fellows well warmed up and trained, so that no mistakes 
 will be made ; and by all means have a plenty for them to drink, 
 for they can not perform their multifarious duties without it. 
 Instruct Tommy Brown to be up and doing all the time, when 
 he comes upon the ground on Monday; that he must hang 
 with and about the Loudun men pretty much the whole time, 
 and gather what they say, find out their plans if possible, and 
 make report to me. Besides, written notices must be stuck 
 up in all the public places, notifying the people of the time and 
 place of speaking. 
 
 "I will take the Doctor to converse with me along the road, 
 and when we get there, if need be, I will give other and more 
 important instructions. Be sure to mention my bad treatment 
 and persecutions where you go, and by all means keep it hot 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 2'] 
 
 before the common yeomanry of the countr}' how I used up 
 Loudun at Lancaster." 
 
 Here old Reece Coats said: "If it will not be amiss, I will 
 make a few remarks. I think it might be well to make and 
 publish a few well- told lies on Loudun, in order to wake him 
 up a little. Such as that he caused great fighting in Lancaster — 
 a thing already in circulation — that he was too stingy to treat 
 the few friends he had there that day; that he went off from 
 Lancaster without paying his tavern bill ; and, above all, that 
 he is a base coward, and allowed the Major to domineer over 
 him all day." 
 
 To this the Major responded: "A noble idea. I thank you. 
 a thousand times for the suggestion ; for I have noticed for 
 many years a few well-told lies in a race like this are most ex- 
 cellent things; because men are really more apt and willing to 
 believe lies than the truth. So let them be circulated in all the 
 land, and let all such other falsehoods be manufactured and told 
 as you and my friends generally consider necessary. And if 
 any man disputes what you say, turn him over to me and I will 
 make short work of him. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 The entire plan now having been arranged, Shiner and Coats, 
 early on Friday morning, took up their line of march, with a 
 determination to faithfully attend to the business assigned 
 them ; and the further they went the more important they felt, 
 and the more eager to do the bidding of the Major. After 
 they had gone a short distance they came to a halt, and con- 
 versed together with great seriousness, thinking the weight of 
 the government was upon their shoulders. 
 
 They spent some time devising the best means for their suc- 
 cess in their mission to the place of their destination, and it 
 was thought proper to leave the main road leading from Lan- 
 caster to Stanford, fall down on Logan's Creek and go up the 
 same, crossing at the nearest turnpike gate on the road leading 
 from Stanford to Crab Orchard, thence continuing to " Hall's 
 
28 GRANNY SHORT's BARBECUE. 
 
 Gap," where they would take the dim path alluded to by the 
 Major, as by this route they would avoid detection, and Loudun 
 would be kept in the dark. 
 
 They found the path leading to the fiddler's without a blunder, 
 and riding- up discovered their friend in the yard. After alight- 
 ing from their horses and crossing the fence, they bowed them- 
 selves to the earth before the mighty man of the bow, who 
 returned the salutation by a similar movement, for he saw he 
 was suddenly in the presence of two most distinguished char- 
 acters. 
 
 The strangers then made known their business, as well as 
 themselves, to their friend, who they found to be a clever mu- 
 sician. They told him they were Underfoot men, and had 
 been sent by him to make suitable arrangements about the great 
 speaking which was to come off at Waynesburg between Major 
 Underfoot and Mr, Loudun, who were opposing candidates for 
 the Senate. They then went on to give an account of the 
 speeches and proceedings at Lancaster on the Monday previous, 
 in which they spoke in the most exalted terms of the Major, 
 and in the most disparaging terms of Loudun. Old man Coats, 
 according to previous understanding, uttering all the falsehoods 
 which had been agreed on between him and the Major, with 
 many important additions, all of which were greedily swallowed 
 down by Tucker, the fiddler, who immediately declared his 
 intention to support the Major ''if nothing should take place 
 betzvcen that time and the election to change his mind.'' This last 
 sentence fell rather gratingly upon the ears of Coats and Shiner, 
 who immediately handed Tucker two silver dollars — all in new 
 quarters, which made a considerable show, as well as some 
 noise — and Mrs. Tucker seeing the irioney invited the strangers 
 into the house, at the same time smiling upon them most gra- 
 ciously, and as they entered the door insisted that they should 
 be seated. 
 
 They soon made up their acquaintance, mostly through Coats, 
 who mentioned their business to the good lady, informing her 
 at the same time that the Major was favorably impressed with 
 her from what he had heard of her, and then handed to the little 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 29 
 
 Tucker a round half dollar, and told him to make his mother 
 buy him some candy with it. This brought all hands to their 
 speech, the woman declaring herself for the Major uncondition- 
 ally, stating at the same time that any man who would not sup- 
 port him ought to be kicked out of the world. 
 
 Upon this declaration Coats and Shiner enthusiastically seized 
 her by the hand, and swore soundly that every word she had 
 said was true. They then requested Tucker to play them a 
 tune, which he declined, stating that his fiddle-strings were 
 broken. But Shiner, understanding such things, had brought 
 a large quantity of strings of the best quality with him. from 
 the Major's store, and forthwith he handed them to the per- 
 former, who became somewhat better pleased (for it was evi- 
 dent, had he been left to his own inclinations, he was a Loudun 
 man), and began to pull off the old and fasten on the new 
 strings; but did this slowly and with seeming reluctance. Coats 
 seeing this, went to his saddle-bags and pulling out a full-bellied 
 brown bottle — called the "brown cow's teat" — handed it to 
 the fiddler, who, after sucking the teat a few times (his wife 
 following his example) became boisterous, and swore he would 
 support the Major, right or wrong. 
 
 He then asked what he could do to accommodate his kind 
 friends. Shiner immediately replied: "Send a messenger 
 forthwith after as many good fiddlers as can be found in this 
 neighborhood." 
 
 This request was promptly complied with, and while Tucker 
 was yet stringing and tuning his fiddle, three other fiddlers 
 came in with their fiddles on their backs, which were likewise 
 unstrung, and, being immediately supplied with strings, com- 
 menced putting their instruments in order. But before they 
 could finish, two more most eminent performers were there with 
 their fiddles well strung with common strings, which were, how- 
 ever, quickly taken off and replaced with new ones. Soon after 
 this a few dollars were handed to each one of them to buy 
 "sugar and coffee," etc. It seemed as if the world was filled 
 with fiddlers; in fact, like the noble Highlanders who fearlessly 
 followed Rhoderick, and at the sound of his bugle horn ap- 
 
30 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 peared to spring up from every heath and glen, so these fiddlers 
 seemed mysteriously to rise up. The "brown cow's teat" was 
 now most villainously sucked by these men of sweet sounds. 
 
 This put them in kelter, and they stood up, or attempted to 
 stand up, to commence operations, when it was discovered the 
 house was too small to admit of their performing, upon which 
 they stepped out into the smooth, dusty yard, where they had 
 ample room for their hearts to beat, as well as a plenty of elbow 
 room. All things being ready, they struck out on "Old Daniel 
 Tucker," playing and singing — 
 
 " The moon was shining silver bright, 
 The stars with glory crowned the night ; 
 High on the limb hung that old coon, 
 Singing to himself this tune : 
 
 Chorus — 
 
 "Get out of the way, Old Daniel Tucker, 
 Get out of the way, Old Daniel Tucker, 
 Get out of the way. Old Daniel Tucker, 
 You came too late to get your supper." 
 
 The night was clear and surpassingly lovely. The blue v^ault 
 of heaven was decorated with twinkling stars, and the breezes 
 whispered softly to each other as they strayed among the trees 
 of the majestic forest surrounding the log-hut of the backwoods 
 musician. Not even the hoot of the midnight owl or the 
 mournful song of the whippoorwill was heard. In such a place 
 and at such an hour the mellow voices of the singers, mingled 
 with the pathetic tones of the stringed instruments, caused a 
 feeling of awe to quietly steal over the souls of Shiner and 
 Coats. It seemed that the music was heard at a great distance, 
 for a considerable number of men, women, and children came 
 flocking in, and such another time they all declared they had 
 never seen before. 
 
 In the meanwhile Coats and Shiner lost no time in playing the 
 agreeable, and were looked upon by themselves and all present 
 as great, wise, and remarkably good men. 
 
 Shiner, having a large quantity of money, started runners to 
 the still-house, about five miles off, who brought gallons of 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 3 1 
 
 whisky in a keg, which they deposited in the bushes hard by, 
 with instructions to keep the entire affair a secret. This was 
 done in order that when the "brown cow's teat" began to give 
 way it should be replenished from the keg, and thus made to 
 appear that all the whisky came from the same bottle, which 
 was inexhaustible. 
 
 Matters thus progressed until the night was far advanced, 
 when a man from a distance, hearing the soul-stirring sounds, and 
 who owned a most splendid violin, upon which he performed 
 with great skill and ability, came up, and, being well known to 
 Tucker and his friends, was introduced by them to the strange 
 gentlemen. Coats and Shiner. 
 
 Being thus cordially received, the gentleman manifested a 
 disposition to unite with the fiddlers and singers, and so ex- 
 pressed himself. To this Coats and Shiner most strenuously 
 objected, upon the sole ground that they were acting under 
 instructions from the Major, and under this view of the case 
 none but fiddlers were allowed to participate in the affair, and 
 no violinist was permitted to have anything whatever to do with 
 the matter ; and as these men held the whisk}- as well as the 
 purse they had no trouble to control all the fiddlers and dancers, 
 who agreed and so expressed themselves, that it would not be 
 at all proper for the violinist to perform or even tune his instru- 
 ment. 
 
 It was soon insinuated that the "sucker" was a Loudun 
 man, sent to pry into their business. This insinuation grew 
 into a fact, in the morbid imaginations of the Underfoot men, 
 who thereupon ordered the intruder to lay his violin on his 
 back and "get up and buz," which he quickly and gladly did. 
 The crowd now continued playing and singing until two o'clock 
 in the morning, having, as before said, commenced on Friday 
 evening, when they took up their line of march for the great 
 barbecue then in preparation for the occasion. 
 
32 GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 When they reached the suburbs, they called a halt, put their 
 fiddles in tune, and struck out on "Yankee Doodle, " which 
 they sung and played beautifully as they marched in solid col- 
 umn into Waynesburg, and, upon their arrival, being informed 
 of the hotel at which the Major was stopping, they marched 
 around to the place and then gave three rousing cheers for the 
 Major, whose voice, like muttering thunder, was heard far back 
 in the upper story of the building: " I am here and will be with 
 you as soon as I can slap on my britches and lam on my boots. " 
 The crowd yelled: "He is the same old fighting cock." 
 "Yes," responded the Major, "I am not only the same old 
 fighting cock, but sanicr than ever, and I always carry my 
 
 gaffs r 
 
 By this time the Major was dressed, and making his appear- 
 ance at the window in the second story said: "My fellow- 
 citizens of the great city of Waynesburg, I am pleased to meet 
 with you at this early hour, I have always had the warmest af- 
 fection for you, and shall ever gratefully remember you in my 
 sanctum sanctorum." Here the Major retired from the win- 
 dow amidst the deafening plaudits of the multitude. He then 
 called Shiner and Coats up stairs to enquire of their steward- 
 ship ; they gave him a brief and truthful account of all they had 
 said and done, after which he sent for little Tommy Brown and 
 made inquiry of him as to his management and success. 
 Tommy replied that he had gotten all the men he was sent 
 after except big John King, who had gone a few days before 
 to a still-house, where a party of Loudun men got him drunk, 
 covered and zuanned him. 
 
 This information put the Major in a great rage and he said, 
 that ' ' it was a shame and a swindle ; that he wished he had 
 been there, because if he had, he and big John could have taken 
 the "lint" off all of them." The Major then commenced walk- 
 ing the floor, giving utterance to many strange and terrible 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 33 
 
 sound, whereat little Tommy Brown became terribly frightened 
 and undertook to jump out of the window, and would have 
 succeeded had not Coats and Shiner restrained him. 
 
 The Major by this time becoming a little composed, re- 
 marked : "There is not a better or nobler man in the world 
 than big John, and I am sorely wounded at his treatment." 
 Then turning to Tommy, he asked him "if he had seen big 
 John?" Tommy replied "that he had." The Major asked : 
 "Had he heard Loudun was a candidate?" Tommy re- 
 sponded "that he had." The Major then inquired if he did 
 not say Loudun was the biggest fool in the world? Here 
 Tommy halted a little and stammered out: " S-t-r-a-n-g-e t-o 
 s-a-y, h-e i-s a d-e-e-p d-y-e-d Loudun man." " What !" said the 
 Major; "he vote for Loudun?" "Yes," said Tommy; "he 
 swore he would vote for Loudun or die." "Why did he say 
 so?" asked the Major. "Because," replied Tommy, "he said 
 he had made himself a fool for you long enough, that he had 
 worked for you, lied for you, got drunk for you, and wasted 
 years of his life in drunkenness, folly, and idleness for you ; 
 that he had gone to the still-house, where he had the fight a 
 few days previously, and there came nearer catching his death 
 than ever before — all of which happened when he was drunk 
 on your whisky ; and since having the difficulty he had been 
 sober, and while in his senses he had made a resolution never 
 to vote for you again, but to vote for Loudun, who has, as he 
 says, always been a sober man." 
 
 The Major here paused for a few moments, seemingly en- 
 gaged in deep stud/, while Shiner and Coats, mute as mice, 
 watched every shadow as it flitted over the Major's face. At 
 length the Major broke silence by saying: "Well, big John 
 never was any account in his life, and his whole seed, breed, 
 and geology never ^QYe worth a 'devil's fetch-it.' Besides, he 
 always was a lying and dishonest man." To this all agreed, 
 and little Tommy was instructed not to mention this to any one, 
 but if any thing was said about big John, the Major and his 
 friends were to claim him as their "right-hand bower," They 
 
 3 
 
34 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 were all rejoiced at the whipping of big John, and hoped that 
 he would die before the election. 
 
 The Major then asked : " What has become of fighting Jim 
 Robards, Oliver Glass, and Henry Sparks?" To which little 
 Tommy replied: "All right; they are now on the road, to- 
 gether with Joel Upchurch, who is pouring out all manner of 
 wrath on Loudun." 
 
 Upon hearing this, the Major declared, that all "was lovely 
 and the goose hung high ;" that he was glad that big John had 
 gone over to Loudun ; he did not want any such men in his 
 ranks. With this they all broke down the stairs, and when at 
 the foot they discovered that the yard, and, in fact, the "big 
 road," was full of men, women, and children; and among 
 others, "fighting Jim," who was walking through the assem- 
 bly minus coat and vest, his trowsers rolled up to a shameful 
 extent, and encircled at the waist with a pair of red suspenders, 
 tied in a double bow-knot, declaring he would "ride any man 
 who had aught to say against the Major." Nor were Glass and 
 Sparks much behind him, for they, too, were on their high 
 horses, cursing and swaggering to an indecent extent. In the 
 meantime, Joel Upchurch was engaged in slandering Loudun 
 with visible effect. 
 
 During all this time the Major was rushing through the crowd, 
 shaking hands indiscriminately, saying to those whom he had 
 previously saluted : "A good thing can not be done too well. " 
 And to others: "It is never too late to do good. God bless 
 you; I love you all." 
 
 But we came near forgetting the Doctor and Shiner, who, we 
 will do them the credit to say, were calling out liquor and in- 
 viting everybody to drink — which invitation was generally ac- 
 cepted. 
 
 It was now about ten o'clock ; the sun was careering high in 
 the heavens, scattering his glorious beams in profusion, man- 
 tling the waters with silver and clothing the forests with gold. 
 Great crowds of people were constantly coming in ; some riding 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 35 
 
 with pawpaw bridles, some with none, and some walking bare- 
 foot, with heavy spurs upon their feet, clearly showing that 
 they had hitched their horses a "mile back." 
 
 The Major, in conversation with Coats, Shiner, and the 
 Doctor, expressed himself highly delighted. 
 
 About half after eleven o'clock, old man Shiner and little 
 Tommy Brown, who had walked down the road in the direction 
 of Stanford, were all at once seen returning briskly, and evi- 
 dently excited. 
 
 They came up to where the Major was standing, and remarked 
 to him, that they saw an immense cloud of dust about one mile 
 in length arising down the road, and supposed that Loudun 
 and his crowd were "on the move." In a few moments 
 the advanced guard made its appearance — eight fine violinists, 
 with instruments well tuned, in front, who, when they came in 
 full view, struck out on "Chicken Pie," and came marching in 
 with their banners flying to the breeze, closely followed by the 
 main body, with Loudun at their head, numbering about two 
 hundred men and horses. 
 
 Immediately following this grand array came several carts 
 drawn by horned animals, well and heavily laden with good 
 whisky, which was deposited at the same spring where Under- 
 foot had placed his ; for both parties seemed to understand the 
 value of water as a beverage on all such occasions, as well as 
 for many other purposes too numerous to mention. A stand 
 was now erected near this whisky establishment under the wide 
 spreading branches of a giant oak. Loudun's friends .still con- 
 tinued to pour in. The spealcer's stand having been completed 
 in short order, it was proclaimed by Shiner that everything was 
 ready, and the speakers could now come forward. 
 
 Immediately upon this announcement. Underfoot, who was 
 near at hand, mounted the stand and said he was ready to 
 "speak first or last, as Mr. Loudun might desire," thinking this 
 show of fairness would make him some friends. 
 
 Loudun now came forward, and said: "The Major, being 
 the oldest man, can take his choice." This liberal proposition 
 
36 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 surprised Underfoot, who said : "Well, sir, as this is your own 
 county, I will yield the stand to you ; but as to my age you are 
 mistaken." The Major was a little tender on this point, as he 
 had recently married his fourth wife, and did not know but he 
 might want another at some period not far distant. 
 
 Loudun now advanced, and in a quiet, mild manner, and in 
 rather a low tone of voice, spoke as follows : 
 
 " I am here, ladies and gentlemen, to ask that you elect me 
 to the Senate for the next four years. I have never had a great 
 deal of political experience, but if elected will do the best I can. 
 I am in favor of strict economy, and will do all I can to save 
 the public money. I will, at all times, be in my seat, ready 
 and willing to cast my vote. I was born and have been raised 
 in your county, and never asked an office at your hands before, 
 and probably may never ask another. As you all know, I am 
 a Whig, and this being so, I will expect that party to sustain 
 me in this canvass. If you elect Major Underfoot, all right, I 
 shall not complain; and if I should have the good fortune to be 
 elected, I will ever be grateful for your kindness.'' 
 
 This said, Loudun took his seat. The Major then came for- 
 ward like a rushing, mighty wind, greatly excited, and said : 
 
 "My God! what do you think of my competitor? What 
 must you think of a man who will tell you to your faces that 
 he is not a man of experience, and then ask you to elect him ? 
 He says he never asked you before for an office, but if elected 
 will do the best he can. How much can he do? What can he 
 do, when he has not sufficient experience to know how or when 
 to commence." 
 
 Looking scornfully down on Loudun, the Major continued : 
 "Yes, I would think a man was serving God who would vote 
 for another merely because he ivaiits an office, when he admits 
 he is a fool. You are in favor of all manner of economy, and 
 will do all you can to save the public money! I larn't you that. 
 Who ever thought of such a thing, until I commenced scoring 
 them when I was first elected to the Legislature? From the 
 speeches you have heard me make — seeing that this matter 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 3/ 
 
 took well with the great body and mass of the people — you now 
 come out and attempt to steal my thunder, do you ?" 
 
 Here old Reece Coats and Shiner sprang on the stand, 
 yelled "Hurrah, my Major;" clapping their hands and grab- 
 bing him by the hand. In a moment the well-trained band, 
 who, as we have said, were instructed to say and do everything 
 that Shiner and Coats said and did, repeated the same words, 
 clapped their hands, and eagerly pressed forward to seize the 
 Major by the hand, which caused one common confusion, re- 
 sulting in breaking down the stand, knocking over a barrel of 
 whisky (bursting off all the hoops, crippling two of Loudun's 
 violinists and somewhat stunning the Major), the contents pour- 
 ing down the branch which lead from the spring to a fearful 
 distance, killing all the tadpoles, frogs, snakes, lizards, and 
 creeping things that fell in its way, stinking like a polecat, 
 and smoking like a tar-kiln. The Major soon recovered, and 
 mounting a large stump, yelled out: "I am still on hand, 
 and able to stand. God bless everybody. Mr. Loudun says 
 he is a WJiig. What of that ? What kind of a Whig is he ? 
 lam a Whig — a working Whig — a man of" — Here the Major 
 having exhausted his vocabulary, stood for some seconds striv- 
 ing to finish his sentence, and finally thinking of nothing better, 
 said: " Yes, a man of God." [Cries of 'no doubt of it.'] " I 
 am for the great body and mass of the people. God bless all 
 the people. God bless all the people now before me; God 
 bless me." Here some one in the crowd exclaimed: "You 
 have said enough to convince everybody ; now let's have some- 
 thing to eat and drink." The Major immediately descended 
 from the stand, and, calling Coats and Shiner, told them in a 
 low tone to go out and get up their friends, so they could eat at 
 the first table, where they could get plenty of chicken and drap 
 dumplings. 
 
 In a few seconds one common charge was made at the dinner 
 table, fighting Jim Robards leading the van. 
 
 The Loudun men quickly comprehending the situation, also 
 
38 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 made a move in the same direction, and both parties reached 
 the table at the same time ; a desperate struggle ensued, for, 
 being under great headway, they were unable to check up, and 
 numbers of them fell on, over, and across the table, turning 
 over all the plates, cups, and saucers, dashing the coffee, which 
 had been prepared especially for the candidates, to the ground, 
 which burned and scalded many of them, and enraged beyond 
 description the women who had prepared the dinner. Some of 
 them rolled over in the grease, sop, etc., until it was difficult to 
 tell what they were made of. 
 
 After much kicking and scrambling they finally got on their 
 feet, and standing on the fragments of the table, a host of 
 curses, loud and deep, went up from all parties. 
 
 In the midst of the confusion Loudun seized Underfoot by 
 the throat, run him back into the whisky establishment, 
 knocking over several buckets of water, and turning a barrel of 
 whisky over, which had previously been tapped ; and so it was, 
 Underfoot, Loudun, the water, and whisky all went down the hill 
 together, to the great destruction of the grasshoppers, lizards, 
 and frogs, which were basking in the sunshine, until the liquid 
 beverage reached a small stream and run down it some distance, 
 smoking like a tar-kiln, as did the first. So soon as it was 
 known that the candidates had grappled, the fighting men on 
 both sides became furious, dropped their coats, and many of 
 them their shirts, and rushed to the scene of conflict. The 
 candidates, however, had accidently fallen apart in such a way 
 as to leave a favorable impression on their friends. In other 
 words, it was a "dog fall," which signified either of them might 
 have whipped or been whipped, and of course this gave the 
 friends of each a chance to brag on their man and swear that if 
 the fight had continued he would have been the victor. 
 
 This being the case, the parties put on their coats and shirts, 
 ran to the remaining barrel of whisky, and although it was 
 Loudun's, it was by common consent drank by all of them. 
 
 We should have said that the whisky which had been 
 knocked down and wasted was Underfoot's, and none being left 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 39 
 
 but the whisky of Loudun's, by a well-known custom among 
 candidates all parties had the right to use the liquor without 
 asking questions. 
 
 The greater portion of the whisky and all the dinner having 
 been lost, the crowd dispersed before the setting of the sun. 
 
 The most remarkable occurrence of the day was the conduct 
 of Loudun, who had always been looked upon as a quiet and 
 peaceable man, in seizing Underfoot, who had always bragged so 
 much on his powers as a fighting man. That matter was noised 
 abroad greatly to the praise of Loudun, not, however, to the 
 discredit of Underfoot, who was in all respects considered a 
 game man. But the novelty of the thing created universal as- 
 tonishment, and it actually caused the Major to treat Loudun 
 with more respect thereafter. 
 
 Thus was begun and ended that barbecue. 
 
 CHAPTER VL 
 
 The parties on the next day started out to another speaking, 
 where they were met by their numerous friends, but nothing 
 special took place on that day. 
 
 When the speaking was over the Major informed Loudun that 
 for the next ten or fifteen days he intended to take his " Cous- 
 ins " with him and travel from house to house, and invited 
 Loudun to accompany him. But the invitation was declined, 
 and Loudun invited the Major to go with him, which was also 
 declined. 
 
 Early the next morning the candidates went forth with such 
 of their friends as had the time and inclination to go with them, 
 and never stopped until, in the expressive language of Under- 
 foot, they had "scoured" the country, having declined any 
 other speaking in that county until they had made their " still 
 hunt," as they called it. 
 
 This hunt was rather severe on them, as they dared not neg- 
 lect anybody, or pass any house unnoticed. This lead them 
 from the most stately mansions into the humblest cabins, and 
 
40 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE, 
 
 caused them to converse with rich and poor ahke, as it was con- 
 sidered a crime to make distinctions. 
 
 Nor was this all ; they were bound all the time to carry 
 something with them to drink, and to offer it to every man, 
 woman, and child they met. Besides, they were compelled to 
 go into valleys and upon hills and knobs, in the blue grass, and 
 among the black jacks, and huckleberry bushes, and red brush ; 
 to be annoyed with all manner of questions, propounded by 
 all manner of persons ; as well as to fight flies, snakes, and 
 musquitoes. They had to smile on all, laugh with all, agree 
 with all, praise and applaud all with whom they met. They 
 had to sleep in beds of all descriptions, as well as eat all kind 
 of things, and not only so, but speak of all such things in terms 
 of the greatest admiration. They had to kiss all the children 
 wherever they went, whether clean or unclean, and to hand to 
 the middle-sized boys and girls a little silver, stating that each 
 woman at each house was the best housekeeper they ever saw, 
 and that each family of children surpassed all others in beauty 
 and talent, cordially inviting everybody to be sure to come to 
 see tJieni, which some faithfully promised to do. 
 
 All this time Underfoot was packing his "Cousins" about, 
 together with a bottle of whisky, in a pair of bearskin saddle- 
 bags. And so matters continued until the fifteen days had 
 passed, when the parties withdrew from the field of action, and 
 returned to their homes almost worn out and naked. 
 
 Notwithstanding their fatigue, they dared not complain ; but, 
 upon their arrival home, declared they were fresh and hearty, 
 and looked as cheerful as they possibly could. They were 
 always ready to make prompt answers to such questions as 
 were asked them — each one declaring that he would "beat the 
 race." 
 
 But this state of voluptuous ease could not last long. They 
 were soon forced again into the field, with an understanding 
 that they would canvass Garrard County as they had Lincoln, 
 except they agreed to be present at several "musters" and 
 make some half dozen speeches. 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 4I 
 
 These musters and speeches were generally highly interest- 
 ing, there being good crowds in attendance, with a large quan- 
 tity of good victuals and number one whisky, for both of which 
 Garrard County is notorious to this day. By this time the 
 candidates were as friendly as the nature of the case would 
 admit, and sometimes they were invited to go to the same house, 
 which invitation they accepted, and stayed all night, laughing 
 and talking together as if they were the best of friends. But 
 as the weather became warmer, and the "dog days" more 
 fatiguing, it was found all important to have several public 
 speeches in the two counties alternately, commencing and end- 
 ing in Garrard ; because Underfoot had been struggling all the 
 time for the "last tag." The first appointment under this 
 agreement was at Brandy Springs, which was then and still is a 
 place of great distinction, it being on what might be termed a 
 dividing line between the mountains and the blue grass, where 
 men from both quarters might meet and have a free interchange 
 of sentiment. The day was fixed, and immediate preparations 
 begun on both sides ; for by this time a new zeal had been 
 infused into the contending parties and their friends, it being 
 evident that Loudon was sustaining himself on the stump and 
 on the ground. He now spoke very well ; had learned to grab 
 a man with both hands when he met him, coulci arm him up to the 
 drinking establishment, and could do many other cute things, 
 all of which had gained for him considerable renown. 
 
 The appointed time, however, arrived, and the two candi- 
 dates were on the ground at an early hour with ample supplies. 
 Besides, there were several fiddlers and dancers who lived in 
 the neighborhood, as well as others from the adjoining moun- 
 tains, but as they were all clever men there was no great pros- 
 pect for quarrels and disputes, and none were had. 
 
 After dinner the candidates made their speeches, and every- 
 thing went off quietly. At the close of his speech. Major Un- 
 derfoot announced that he would see the people again in a few 
 days, "when and where he would open good." 
 
 In spite of the Major's brags, it was manifest from his actions 
 that he was alarmed, and had been for some time past putting 
 
42 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 all of his wits to work to make one grand sphidge, and kindle 
 up an abundance of excitement, as he knew that was his only 
 hope. He was frequently seen while alone, making the most 
 violent gestures, such as shaking his fist under his own nose, 
 slapping himself on the stomach and legs, and was heard to 
 curse /«>«5r^ occasionally. 
 
 The candidates now commenced their usual course of trav- 
 eling, through the county of Garrard ; meeting at different 
 places, making short speeches, shaking hands with every one 
 they met, and talking confidently of their success. And any 
 one hearing both of them talk would come to the conclusion 
 instanter \S\2X we would have tzvo senators to represent our dis- 
 trict at the same time, because it was evident from their declara- 
 tions that both of them would be elected. There were no 
 pains spared in the free circulation of money on both sides, 
 and the scattering of whisky in all portions of the district. 
 
 Wagons and ox-carts were engaged at nearly all times of the 
 night in hauling barrels of whisky to the different cross roads 
 and other public places in the district. 
 
 This was commenced about three weeks before the election, 
 but the week immediately preceding the election the wagons, &c. , 
 were running in all directions, at all times of the night ; w^iile 
 multitudes of men in every neighborhood were engaged in car- 
 rying the glad tidings of ' ' plenty to drink " from house to house. 
 
 There were numbers of good men in the district who were 
 bitterly opposed to all such conduct, but even some of them 
 had been carried away by the doctrine of absolute necessity ; be- 
 cause it was thought that he who spent the most money and 
 treated the greatest number of men would be the successful 
 man. Matters progressed in this way until the July County 
 Court in Garrard, which, in those days, came on the third Mon- 
 day, and at that time things were waxing warm, and every 
 body filled with excitement, that being the last county court in 
 either county before the great day of account would arrive. 
 Nor had there been any time lost on either side by the can- 
 didates and their friends. 
 
 Besides, there were several men of distinction, who, in the 
 meantime, had declared themselves candidates for the Legis- 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 43 
 
 lature in each county, and who had united in the purchase of 
 whisky, paying for hauhng it, and doing many other important 
 things, but who had little speaking talent, and consequently 
 were but little thought of by "the great body of the people," 
 and hardly ever brought into the ring where the main cocks 
 were pitted, satisfying themselves with scratching and picking 
 about, and making az little noise as possible. 
 
 The candidates for the Senate had become so much engaged 
 and so fierce in their conduct and conversation that they were a 
 a terror to all who happened to fall in their way, and were 
 growing worse as the weather became warmer and the day of 
 election drew nearer. 
 
 There were a great number of people present at the July 
 County Court. The candidates and many of their friends were 
 in full motion that morning by daylight. 
 
 About ten o'clock, speaking commenced, the candidates for 
 the Legislature leading off, as it was agreed they should do, 
 on account of some scandalous reports against some of them 
 which required explanation. 
 
 After much contention they closed their remarks, whereupon 
 a loud call was made for Underfoot, but, before he could arise, 
 there was a tremendous cry for Loudun — there seeming to be 
 no disposition by either party to surrender to the other. 
 
 Both of the candidates for the Senate attempted to check up 
 their friends, but without the least success, for as soon as one 
 party became a little quiet the other would become more 
 clamorous, until the senatorial candidates left the court house 
 in disgust, pTctendingly with the county candidates, for they dare 
 not say a word against their friends, as such an expression 
 would have ruined the whole affair, and especially just on the 
 eve of the election, when they could not have time to make 
 the necessary explanations. 
 
 They, however, lost no time in stirring rapidly over the 
 streets, conversing with all that came in their way, inviting 
 them to drink, &c. 
 
 Several of the privy counsel on both sides were invited to 
 dinner, Loudun taking his crowd to the hotels and Underfoot 
 
44 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 taking his crowd to his house. These favored few considered 
 themseh^es the most honored guests that ever hved or died in 
 any part of the earth ; in fact, it seemed to them that trouble 
 would never come again upon them. 
 
 The town was crowded all day; a few blows passed be- 
 tween Claibourn Cooley and Levi Casey, but they were soon 
 parted, resulting only in a black eye or a bloody nose ; but 
 nothing worth especial attention took place. Night finally 
 threw her sable mantle over the scene and all was quiet, save 
 an occasional yell from some friend who was charged with the 
 " overjoyful, " and was bound to let off some of the steam. 
 
 There was, however, a great and manifest change wrought, 
 not only among the candidates but the people themselves, in 
 the last month or six weeks; because then everything seemed 
 smooth and quiet; the senatorial candidates were kindly dis- 
 posed toward each other, and their friends were pleasant and 
 cheerful; but now everything was boisterous and the candidates 
 were at daggers' points. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 There had been a plan in the mind of Underfoot, even before 
 he became a candidate, to so manage matters, if possible, as to 
 have a most important barbecue, prepared by some suitable 
 person, not far from the counties of Madison and Garrard, which 
 he proposed should come off on the Saturday immediately pre- 
 ceding the election. This was one of the Major's stronghok's ; 
 besides, it was to be convenient to the counties of Madison and 
 Rockcastle, and not far from the county of Jessamine, and from 
 these counties, although not in his district, he expected men 
 and means, and, by concentrating all of his friends from those 
 places, to make a lasting impression. 
 
 This being the well digested plan of the Major, he declined 
 to make any further arrangements for public speaking with 
 Loudun, but said that from that time forward each of them 
 must take care of himself as best he could. Under this state of 
 case Loudun left for home, while Underfoot remained in Lan- 
 caster, at his residence. 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 45 
 
 Early the next morning Underfoot was up, and after refresh- 
 ing himself with something to eat and drink went out upon the 
 public square, where he met with his privy counsel and said to 
 them that he had some important conversation for their consid- 
 eration, far too much so to be mentioned in public or anywhere 
 except in a private room, where they could all converse freely 
 and not be interrupted. The place being agreed upon, one 
 o'clock was fixed as the time of meeting, and they then dis- 
 persed with loud laughter, as if the Major had told them some 
 funny joke. The time arrived, and every man was there eager 
 to hear what was to be said, and willing to do whatever the 
 Major ordered. After taking a drink of good old whisky, 
 sweetened with loaf sugar, they all sat down and requested the 
 Major to proceed, adding that they had for the last several days 
 felt a deeper interest in the election than ever before, and that 
 they were then willing to resort to any ways or means that could 
 be possibly devised to defeat Loudun. 
 
 The Major then proceeded: "Well, gentlemen, lam, and as 
 you know all the time have been, the worst abused and the worst 
 treated man in the world, and it seems that the same course 
 will be pursued by Loudun and his friends (who I now look 
 upon as the most unscrupulous men upon earth) unless some- 
 thing is done to check them up. I have been the constant sub- 
 ject of slander and misrepresentation, as you know, ever since 
 I become a candidate. Besides, Loudun, who you remember 
 was at one time rather a backward and modest man, has within 
 the last few weeks become very insolent ; in fact, ever since his 
 attack upon me in Waynesburg, where he was backed by big 
 John King and his host of friends, he has been getting more 
 enfiercened, until I would have long since snatched him out of 
 his boots had it not been for fear it would injure my election. 
 As matters now stand, I propose to wind up the whole affair by 
 one grand rally and scratch-back, where all or the most of my 
 friends, not only in Garrard and Lincoln, can be thrown to- 
 gether, but where many of my friends from Madison and other 
 counties can also be present to give aid and comfort, and make 
 one general and lasting impression ; and, finally, where I can 
 
46 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 control the speaking, upon which you know much, if not every- 
 thing, depends." 
 
 The whole council approved what had been said, and asked 
 him how he proposed to organize, and at what place he thought 
 the thing could be most successfully carried out? 
 
 To this he replied: "I will fix the last Saturday before the 
 election as the time, because then no other public speaking can 
 be gotten up. I will fix Back Creek, pretty well towards the 
 head thereof, for the place, as that will be a most favorable local- 
 ity for the attendance of my old friends from Madison; besides, 
 in all that neck of woods my friends are )icarly wianiinotis, have 
 not had much to drink during the canvass, have attended but 
 few public meetings, and will feel themselves greatly compli- 
 mented by the movement." 
 
 In all this the council fully concurred. But there was yet 
 something lacking, and that was a competent person to carry 
 on the affair, for it was not everybody who was considered 
 competent for this arduous task. 
 
 Upon reflection the Major suggested a very worthy old lady 
 in that region of the country, who he said was a friend of his, 
 by the name of Short, a widow lady whom he called and was 
 generally known as "Granny Short." 
 
 Said he: "The news will be spread far and wide and in all 
 directions that she is a widow woman, and old at that; that she 
 needs all the help she can get. By these means many will attend 
 her barbecue that would not attend under other circumstances. 
 Besides, it will induce a great many sober, steady men to go 
 who would not ordinarily attend such places, believing there 
 will be the best of order kept there that day on account of the 
 woman who is to conduct the affair, she being an old woman 
 and a good Christian." 
 
 To all of this the council assented, expressing themselves, at 
 the same time, that the Major was by far the deepest, as well 
 as the shrewdest, man on the face of the dirt. 
 
 The time and place having been agreed upon, the next thing 
 Avas to put the ball in motion, and to this end it was determined 
 to appoint a committee with all the necessary instructions. 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE, 47 
 
 A committee of vigilance was then organized, whose duty it 
 was to look into every step that was necessary to be taken ; to 
 appoint all other necessary committees ; to see that all such 
 committees did their whole duty ; to superintend the prepara- 
 tion of the dinner; the laying in of sufficient supplies of liquor, 
 mint, sugar, etc., and to attend to any and everything else, in and 
 about the affair before it came on and while in progress, that 
 they might think necessary. In fact, they had unbounded con- 
 trol over the whole matter to do whatever they might deem im- 
 portant for the good of the cause generally, under the ostensi- 
 ble pretext of aiding an old widow lady by doing as many 
 charitable acts as they could to help her. 
 
 It now became necessary to arrange what was called a zvork- 
 ing committee, which was quickly done by the appointment of 
 the following gentlemen, all well qualified for such business : 
 
 From Garrard County. From Lincoln County. 
 
 1. Lewis Underwood, i. Claibourn Cooley, 
 
 2. Wm. Isball, 2. Levi H. Cazey, 
 
 3. Wiley Kelly, 3. Addler Agee, 
 
 4. Alex. Wiley, 4. Joel Short, 
 
 5. Jacob Agee, 5. John Brim, 
 
 6. Joseph Simms, 6. Emis Quinn, 
 
 7. Lewis Lay, 7. Hopson Thurman, 
 
 8. Henry Johnson, 8. Luke Grimes, 
 
 9. Thomas Renfro, 9. Charlie Lynam, 
 
 10. Big Tom Harper, 10. Henry Qnstot, 
 
 11. Georgeus Million, and 11. Sylvester Sebastian, and 
 
 12. Wyaty Pinkston, Esqs. 12. Thomas Short, Esqs. 
 
 Besides these, a few others from Madison, Jessamine, and 
 Rockcastle were added as the time for action approached. 
 The following were the duties of this committee, viz. : 
 I St. To go forth and proclaim everywhere, that "Granny 
 Short" would prepare the greatest barbecue on Back Creek, 
 near the farm of Hugh Logan, that ever had been gotten up in 
 this or any other country, and that it would come off on Satur- 
 day immediately preceding the election. 
 
48 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 2d. That there would be " all kinds of drink " on the ground, 
 and the best victuals that any man ever put in his mouth, all 
 free of cost, and everybody invited to attend. 
 
 3d. That, above all, Major Underfoot would be there, and 
 make by far the best speech of his life, and would be dressed 
 in an entirely new and becoming garb for the occasion. 
 
 4th. That the Major had no doubt of his election, and wanted 
 to see, treat, and shake hands with his numerous friends from 
 all parts of the earth, as he loved them all, and hoped to meet 
 them early in the morning of that day. 
 
 5th. It was their duty to scatter printed advertisements to the 
 above effect throughout the land. 
 
 6th. That there would be a number one band of music on 
 the ground that day, with any quantity of the best jig-dancers 
 that ever hopped the earth, consisting of men, women, and chil- 
 dren ; and that in the evening a few negroes would be permitted 
 to ^dit j?dm and dance for the crowd. 
 
 7th. That many of the best and most experienced musicians 
 and dancers from Poozey, Splitit, Potneck, Jig Water, Shallow 
 Ford, and the Mutton Plains of Madison County, and Cracker- 
 neck and Juggernot of Pulaski, would be present at that time. 
 And that the old and respectable counties of Garrard and Lin- 
 coln would put forth their full and united strength of the best 
 dancers in the known world, Poozey and the Mutton Plains ex- 
 cepted. 
 
 When the committee met they proceeded to organize forth- 
 with. They first put in nomination and elected the following 
 officers, viz.: President — Jacob Agee ; Secretary — Wyaty 
 Pinkston ; Treasurer — Claibourn Cooley. All of whom were 
 well qualified men. 
 
 It was determined to put everything in full blast without re- 
 gard to cost or trouble. Special runners were sent into the 
 most distant corners of the counties named to proclaim the glad 
 tidings ; and then messengers with full bottles and joyful hearts 
 immediately started out to perform their wonderful work, which 
 they all did without the least defalcation. 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 49 
 
 In the meantime, the plan leaking out, the Loudun men be- 
 came possessed of it, and immediately conveyed the intelligence 
 to Loudun, who dropped everything in Lincoln and commenced 
 the most hasty preparation, not only to attend the "Short bar- 
 becue," but to rally as many of his friends as possible to the 
 same place, for he well knew there was not a moment of time 
 to spare. 
 
 This caused the whole senatorial district to boil like a pot 
 from that time until the election ; for Loudun and all his privy 
 council rolled up their sleeves, and, pitching in, determined to 
 leave no stone unturned. 
 
 The armies of both parties having been fully equipped, dis- 
 ciplined, and instructed, were turned loose to make the grand 
 rally; and each man worked as if the entire success of his fa- 
 vorites solely depended on his individual exertions ; so the en- 
 tire atmosphere in both counties was filled with dust and fur. 
 The heart of every man in the district was inflated with hope on 
 the one side or despair on the other. They were (the com- 
 mittee) sometimes in houses and sometimes in fields; they ran- 
 sacked the hills, valleys, and mountains ; they run in towns, 
 out of towns, and through towns; in the brush and blue-grass; 
 they scoured all the creeks and branches in the senatorial dis- 
 trict ; they were sometimes on foot and sometimes on horse- 
 back, but always under full whiz. And as they walked or run 
 they made known their business, as well as the importance of 
 a general and universal attendance on the great day of the 
 "scratch back." 
 
 Besides, they said one of the great objects was to patronize 
 old " Granny Short," who was a widow woman, a fine old lady, 
 and needed a little help ; this they said, not that they cared for 
 "Granny Short, " but in order to induce a larger attendance. 
 
 In this way and by these means the whole country north, 
 south, east, and west, on the highlands and in the low lands, 
 and in the fields and woods, were fully notified of the time and 
 place, as well as the nature and character of the meeting. 
 
 4 
 
50 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 On the day before the meeting all the delegations, on both 
 sides, took up their line of march for the favored land, and were 
 followed by an immense multitude, some with horses packed 
 with nourishment, others with carts and wagons, and others 
 again with slides, loaded with whisky, home-made sugar, wash 
 tubs, piggins, buckets, churns, and the like, and also with large 
 quantities of ginger-cakes and sweet cider. 
 
 The whisky was carried in numerous small kegs, almost en- 
 tirely covered with hickory hoops, in order to prevent the re- 
 currence of the Waynesburg catastrophe. 
 
 The whole country was in motion, all converging "to the 
 seat of war," and every man carried his weapon in hand ready 
 to do execution. 
 
 About 12 o'clock at night a considerable number had arrived 
 on the spot and camped at the two great springs. The weather 
 being warm, they laid down upon the. bluegrass hoping to rest 
 in peace, but were prevented by the almost constant arrival of 
 wagons, ox-carts, and the like, loaded with coopers' ware, kegs 
 of whisky, ginger-cakes, cider, and men, women, and chil- 
 dren ; some of the men with instruments of music, such as 
 fiddles, flutes, fifes, trumpets, drums, and all manner of ram's 
 horns (some bored in the sides and some in the ends), conch 
 shells, etc. The whole face of the country in that quarter was 
 covered with vehicles, men, women, children, horses, and 
 bob-tailed dogs. 
 
 As soon as daylight begun to dawn considerable numbers of 
 men, women, and half-grown children commenced gathering 
 mint, which they stacked in the corners of the fence for some 
 distance, and by which was deposited the kegs of whisky, 
 barrels of cider, the cakes of sugar, coopers' ware, etc. When 
 "Granny Short" beheld this vast amount of provisions she 
 exclaimed : ' ' Good heavens ! I will make nothing at my barbe- 
 cue after all, but will be swallowed up by the ginger-cakes and 
 cider of other people. " But her fears were soon dispelled when 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 5 I 
 
 she was reminded by some member of the council who was 
 present that the Major would pay for all of it. 
 
 Among the great crowd which was by this time collected was 
 a man by the name of Sayers, who lived more than a hundred 
 miles from the scene of action, and who while on the way to 
 the "scratch-back" came near meeting with a serious accident, 
 which occurred under the following circumstances: He was a 
 heavy-set, broad-shouldered man, with red face and bald head, 
 and covered abundance of ground as he stood with his legs 
 stretched as far apart as the length of them would admit. He 
 had heard of the famous Major Underfoot and his capacity as a 
 speaker, and hearing of the " Short barbecue," and fearing that 
 he never would have the opportunity of attending a similar 
 meeting, he determined to be present regardless of conse- 
 quences. He lived near the Cumberland Gap, and was there- 
 fore compelled to start several days beforehand in order to be 
 there in due time. 
 
 On the morning of his departure he went out to feed his 
 "pea vine," as he called his horse, when, to his astonishment, 
 the horse was gone — strayed or stolen. Knowing that an at- 
 tempt to hunt him would virtually amount to an abandonment 
 of his much cherished trip, he determined to look out for 
 another animal. 
 
 He had taken pains to get ready; had his shoes and coat 
 patched, his breeches washed, his horse shod before, and bor- 
 rowed a sheepskin from one of his neighbors upon which to 
 ride ; in fact, he had taken such trouble that he now, to use his 
 own language, "looked right suiptious.'" 
 
 Under this state of case, the disappearance of his pea vine was 
 a heavy loss. But he soon bethought himself of a little brown 
 string-halted mare, called a race nag, which his son had rode 
 in a few days before. She was quite small, ewe necked, cat 
 hammed, swaybacked, one eye out, with some other distinguisha- 
 ble marks, but was an animal of spirit, in tolerable living order ; 
 when mounted, moved with head high up, and was ready to 
 break for a run whenever she came to a good piece of road ; 
 
52 GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 for it was on the common road she had been trained and had 
 made so many successful races. 
 
 The old man's son — the owner of the mare — had gone the 
 night before to one of his brothers-in-law, about two or three 
 miles off", with the understanding he would be back early the 
 next morning, in order to commence training his mare for a 
 race with old Jno. Sutton's big grey horse, which was to come 
 off near the "Cumberland Ford" in a few days, and upon 
 which considerable sums of money had been bet and " staked." 
 
 The old man thought of all these things, and for a moment 
 was at a loss to know whether he should ride the mare to the 
 great " scratch-back " or not, but when he reflected that he might 
 never have an opportunity .to see and hear the Major if this op- 
 portunity were neglected, and especially when he understood 
 that it would be the last barbecue day in the year, and if missed 
 would be lost forever, and that the race between the horses 
 could be so arranged as to come off at another time, he im- 
 mediately brought out the little charger, as he called her, 
 slapped the sheepskin upon her, and the bridle bit in her 
 mouth, bestrode her quickly, and immediately set out in search 
 of "the promised land." 
 
 There was a young man hard by, who was going some thirty 
 miles along the same road, so they started together, greatly 
 delighted with each other ; and after they had traveled a suf- 
 ficient distance to render the old mare safe from the pursuit of 
 his son, he brightened up, grew quite fierce, and commenced 
 relating to the young gentleman what the prospects were, at 
 what time he expected to be in Garrard, and how many people 
 there would be glad to see him. 
 
 During this conversation he jammed his little mare closer up 
 to the horse the young man was riding, and progressed in this 
 way a considerable distance, during all of which time the old 
 gentleman not only conversed fluently, but loudly, and oc- 
 casionally boisterously ; his eyes turned a glistening green, and 
 danced in his head, while his tongue knew no bounds. He 
 stuck his legs close under the belly of the mare, and seemed to 
 be highly delighted, for he was pleased with himself and the 
 prospects of his trip. 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 53 
 
 Among other interesting things, he often repeated to his com- 
 panion that the animal he was riding was "a race mar;" that 
 his son had won a fortin' on her; that she never had been 
 beaten, and in all probability never would be. During this time, 
 the little ewe-necked animal moved along with great briskness, 
 for she was full of metal. Indeed, if her speed had been equal 
 to her metal, there is no knowing where she would not have gone. 
 She was very easily frightened, and was ready at all times to 
 make a break. 
 
 The young man, becoming very tired of so much unnecessary 
 conversation, resolved to put a stop to.it whenever and where- 
 ever an opportunity should present itself. It was not long 
 after he formed this resolution before they came to the mouth 
 of a remarkably long and somewhat crooked lane, where the 
 road was broad and smooth, with a gradual descent to a deep 
 mud-hole or pond of water, about a foot deep in mud, and 
 about twenty yards wide. In this pond were numerous frogs, 
 lizards, a considerable number of tadpoles, and several mud- 
 turtle. The top of it was almost covered with ducks and geese. 
 Not far from it was a log cabin, the residence of the owners of 
 the geese and ducks. At this cabin were two small fice dogs, 
 one a black, the other spotted, very watchful, always lying on 
 their bellies, with their noses in the direction of the road, so 
 as to see and smell everything that should happen to pass that 
 way; and these dogs were not more watchful than several tow- 
 headed and barefooted urchins who lived in the cabin. From 
 the end where our friends came into this lane they were unable 
 to see the other end, which wormed around into a dense forest. 
 About this time, the old man appeared to be in better talking 
 condition than he had been all that morning (they had then 
 traveled about fifteen miles), and as they turned a little to the 
 left to face the mouth of this lane the old gentleman ran his 
 horse up against the young man. 
 
 The young man being unable to bear longer with the old 
 gentleman (who now had his hat turned up before, and was 
 reared back to an alarming extent on his switch-tail filly), 
 kicked the little mare under the tail, whereat she became greatly 
 
54 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 alarmed, and leaped forward to a considerable distance. As 
 she sprang, the old lad's hat fell from his head, striking the 
 mare on the rump, which caused he*r to increase her speed. 
 The rider settling himself to one side of his sheepskin, so as 
 to look the youth in the face, straightened himself, and, gathering 
 the bridle reins, made an enormous lunge to pull up ; but this 
 only rendered the race nag more furious, and now being fairly 
 started in the lane she put forth all her speed. The old man 
 finding it impossible to rein her in, set himself hard at work to 
 hold his position. His large trowsers, as they gathered air, 
 swelled out like balloons — his socks were down over his shoes 
 and his breeches run up on the leg, while his round-about coat 
 clung as tightly to his back as bark to a log. He humped him- 
 self far over, in order to get hold on the mane, and here he 
 hung like a leech, his head shining like a peeled onion. 
 
 The animal was now doing her best, and Sayers, having 
 despaired of checking her, was doing all he could to guide her 
 in the road. Away she went, laying herself nearly flat to the 
 earth, with her nostrils distended to their fullest extent. By 
 this time she reached the frog-pond, her rider grunting every 
 lick she struck. Here the old man thought she would halt, or 
 at least stagger, but in this he was sadly disappointed ; for, in- 
 stead of stopping, she increased her speed, running over the 
 ducks and geese that happened to be in her pathway, killing 
 some and crippling others, and making the feathers fly out of 
 them all. The fence on either side was covered with mud, 
 mingled with fea*:hers, while the down and feathers filled the 
 sky and lay scattered over the surface of the pond. 
 
 The pond was filled with dead and mangled geese, ducks, 
 and frogs, while those that escaped injury were attempting to 
 make their exit through the cracks of the fence on either side, 
 up and down the road. 
 
 The men, women, and children at the cabin, hearing the clat- 
 tering of hoofs and splashing of water, mingled with cries of 
 the geese and ducks, with ( ne accord rushed out of the house 
 and in the direction of the lane fence to see what was the 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 55 
 
 matter, but the fleet-footed mare had passed before they could 
 reach the fence with all their exertions. The two dogs, how- 
 ever, being swifter of foot than the people, reached their 
 favorite crawling hole in the fence (which they had worn as 
 slick as a woodpecker's hole in August) about the time Sayers 
 was passing under full tilt, and that being the mare's blind side, 
 she was greatly frightened by the scratching and struggling of 
 the dogs as they passed through the hole. This made her 
 increase her gait, so that when the fices reached the road they 
 found themselves far behind. But being dogs of good pluck, 
 and urged on by their owners (who had become furious because 
 they were not at the fence in time), set out in pursuit in full 
 speed, and all of them were soon lost in the distance. The fices 
 continued their yelp as long as they had sufficient breath, and 
 when that failed they stopped, with the m.are far ahead. In 
 the meantime, the young man leaped from his horse, picked 
 up the broad-brimmed wool hat of Sayers, and then remount- 
 ing with hat in hand, rode on at a moderate gait, viewing the 
 ground where it had been torn up by the animal in her flight 
 until he reached the duck-pond, when he stopped for a short 
 time to take an account of the dead and wounded poultry that, 
 with great numbers of lifeless frogs, lay upon the surface. 
 
 Passing from this point he rode along until he reached the 
 cabin, where he found all the family out by the fence. Here he 
 was compelled to stop, give his name, an account of his occupa- 
 tion, where he was from, and where he was going, and the 
 business he was going upon, and whether and when he would 
 be back that way. He also had to tell all he knew of and con- 
 cerning the stranger who had just passed. When he had satis- 
 fied the strangers, he hurried on to see what had become of the 
 old man. 
 
 He had gone but a few hundred yards when he met the two 
 fices on their way home, with their tongues dragging the earth ; 
 but he went his and the fices their way without making any re- 
 marks to each other. 
 
 He was now approaching the woods, and, seeing nothing of 
 Sayers, became alarmed ; but after he passed through and 
 
56 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 was ascending a little hill beyond, he turned his eyes upward in 
 the direction of the top — he saw Sayers standing on a log, hold- 
 ing the mare (which was covered with sweat and foann) by the 
 bridle. 
 
 When he came within speaking distance he enquired of the 
 old gentleman if he was hurt? To which Sayers replied : " No ; 
 but a W71S skeered man you never seed. I never knowed her to 
 do such a trick before in all my life." The young man also ex- 
 pressed his astonishment, and said he presumed when he rode 
 up by her side, as the lane was wide and unobstructed, being 
 just such a place as she was in the habit of running, she thought 
 a race was up, and on this account made the break, and being 
 alarmed by the things on the road she ran the faster. 
 
 This explanation was altogether satisfactory, and after leading 
 the mare a short distance, Sayers mounted her and rode slowly 
 and gently along without suspicion of wrong. 
 
 The travelers now coming to where this road forked, sepa- 
 rated, and Sayers had the road to himself until he reached Mt. 
 Vernon, when he fell in with several men who were going to 
 the barbecue, and they all joined together until they reached 
 Back Creek, the place of action, where Sayers was struck dumb 
 with astonishment, for he ha5 never witnessed such a sight be- 
 fore. He, however, felt much gratified that he had reached the 
 place, and, hunting a swinging limb, he hitched his mare, and 
 then went into the outskirts of the crowd, where he hoped to 
 get up a race and win something on his mare. But the people 
 present were not in the proper humor for such sport ; so he 
 was a little disappointed and felt as if he were sadly neglected ; 
 but he was soon relieved by several Underfoot men, who gave 
 him a description of what the Major had done and would be 
 able to do that day. So he continued on the ground, laughing 
 and talking, highly delighted with the proceedings of that day. 
 On the following Monday he went home, where he has remained 
 from that day to this, never having changed his mind as to the 
 unbounded greatness of Underfoot. 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 57 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 We should have mentioned that there was a laughing com- 
 mittee, vvliose duty it was, at a given signal, to laugh and clap 
 their hands, stamp the ground, and peck the earth with their 
 canes at nearly everything the Major said or did. 
 
 There was another committee to praise to the very skies all 
 that was said and done by the Major, and to tell every one 
 they- met of his great and manifold persecutions. 
 
 The people kept coming in in countless numbers, dressed in 
 all sorts of apparel and in every manner of fashion, the hues of 
 their clothing being as manifold as the tints of the rainbow. 
 
 Granny Short, ever true to her trust, was there with all her 
 attendants and provisions before the rising of the sun, and the 
 Major was expected every minute. 
 
 Loudun and a few of his privy council were on the ground 
 at the dawn of day, having started from Stanford about mid- 
 night, in order to be there in good season to consult and take 
 steps regarding the best ways and means to keep up with the 
 Major on that day, and if possible to make a breach in his 
 stronghold. 
 
 Upon mature reflection, however, and a careful survey of 
 everything, it was determined to make but a slight resistance, 
 to spend but a small amount of money, and let everything 
 pretty much go by default, as a different course would be 
 useless. 
 
 In this state of feeling, and for the purpose of looking over 
 the ground a little, as the place was new and strange to 'them, 
 Loudun and a few of his friends started and walked slowly 
 down the creek, and seeing before them, and not far from the 
 water's edge, rather a singular looking tree, they approached 
 and found it to be an elm, the roots high and long, the trunk 
 uncommonly large and rather low and short, the limbs large 
 and very numerous, extending in every direction, four of them 
 being nearly as large as the main body of the tree and spread- 
 ing out north, south, east, and west, while the main tree 
 extended upwards a short distance from the four main forks and 
 
58 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 was then subdivided into four prongs, which hung directly over 
 the first, but were not so large or long. From these eight 
 boughs spread out a great number of prongs, with all their 
 divisions and subdivisions, until they were lost in the small 
 twigs and luxuriant leaves, each inclining gradually downward 
 and in proper proportion, until the whole resembled a magnifi- 
 cent dome. 
 
 About thirty yards from the root of this tree an unusually 
 large grapevine had taken root, and making its way to the tree, 
 crept round the same, and spreading its tendrils, soon per- 
 meated it in all its parts ; besides, the leaves of the vine and its 
 branches were large, numerous, and beautiful, and when mingled 
 with the leaves of the tree made an almost solid mass, afford- 
 ing the most delightful shade from the burning sun of summer. 
 In all that portion of the vine extending from the root to the 
 tree it was inclined to be round upon the top and broad and 
 hollow underneath, the curve about two feet and a half from 
 the ground. Under this curve the earth was beaten very hard, 
 smooth, and flat by the small animals which were in the habit 
 of resorting there for shade in summer or shelter in winter. 
 
 This majestic tree and beautiful vine, as might have been ex- 
 pected, attracted the undivided attention as well as the uni- 
 versal admiration of Loudun and his friends, who were all this 
 time gazing upon it in silent wonder ; but they were suddenly 
 startled by the struggles of some animal hard by, and turning 
 their eyes in that direction they beheld a black ram, with a 
 bed cord around his neck, attempting to make his final escape. 
 He would run with all his might to the length of his rope and 
 then make a terrific leap, throwing himself high in the air, his 
 rump and hind feet extending upward, facing the blazing sun, 
 but the unyielding rope and treacherous vine soon brought him 
 back to position. 
 
 It was manifest that this had been a large and respectable 
 sheep in his day, but it was no less evident that he was far ad- 
 vanced in years. He was sway-backed and grass-gutted, his 
 rump narrow and peaked, his eyes large and yellow, closely 
 surrounded with grey wool; he was inclined to be wild and 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 59 
 
 devilish; when lit upon by flies, he would stamp his feet upon 
 the ground in defense of his rights ; his tail was short, but nim- 
 ble ; his legs long and slender, leaving an abundance of day- 
 light between his belly and the earth; he coupled badly; his 
 thighs were lean and thin, and his brisket flat and narrow, 
 leaving but little room for his heart to beat; his jaws were long 
 and lank, and his nose sharp and grey ; his horns were as long 
 and crooked as a still-pipe, but he held up his head and looked 
 fierce and brazen at the bystanders. 
 
 Loudun stood still and gazed at the ram in the face, and the 
 ram stood still and gazed Loudun full in the face. Loudun 
 remarked to the ram: "You area nice spectacle. What are 
 you doing here?" The ram bleared his great yellow eyes at 
 Loudun with a look of supreme contempt, as if to say, '* Never 
 mind old fellow, Underfoot will be on you directly." 
 
 Here the conversation ceased, and Loudun with his friends 
 returned to the crowd, and the ram went upon the dinner table. 
 
 As they were walking along, Loudun asked his friends what 
 all that hitching of the ram meant, and said that he was at a 
 loss to understand such conduct. 
 
 One of them replied that was at least a portion of the mutton 
 for the Cue. Loudun remarked that no man save a man with a 
 sheet-iron stomach could eat that ram or any part of him. One 
 of the friends here checked him up before any of the others heard 
 it, and told him he was about to fall into the very trap which 
 had been set for him by Underfoot and his friends ; that if such 
 conversation as this should ever reach the Underfoot party, 
 they would instantly run to Granny Short and tell her that 
 Loudun and his little clique were making all manner of sport 
 of her and her dinner. Such news would naturally exasperate 
 the old lady, who would tell everybody what that "proud 
 thing " from Stanford had said in order to belittle her and her 
 meat, and when this was put in full circulation there would be 
 one common shower of curses poured down upon him for thus 
 attempting to injure an old, much esteemed, and Christian 
 widow woman. 
 
60 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 This alarmed Loudun, who quickl}- remarked that he would say- 
 nothing more on the subject. Some of the friends then told him 
 that when that ram was cooked and put on the table, he must 
 not only eat of him, but praise it in the highest terms, because, 
 if he failed to do this, he would be seriously injured in his 
 election. This he also promised to do, but remarked, " Gen- 
 tlemen, if I am to eat any of that sheep, I beg you to say no 
 more about it, for if the conversation is kept up it will turn 
 my stomach." By this time they had reached the place from 
 whence they had started, and scarcely recognized the crowd, it 
 had increased to such an extent, besides, nearly all the fresh 
 arrivals were entire strangers to Loudun and his friends. 
 
 They then withdrew to a shade and took their seats. Cast- 
 ing their eyes down the creek, they beheld thr-^e men strip- 
 ping themselves, who, as soon as they had shed their linen, 
 made a rush at the ram — one of them with ax in hand ; the 
 other two seized the animal with great violence, one of them 
 by the horns, the other by the hind legs (for tail hold was too 
 short), and threw his neck over the grapevine, while the other, 
 with an Herculean blow of his ax severed his head from his 
 body. 
 
 Each of them then clutched a sharp butcher's knife, and 
 forthwith commenced taking off his hide. 
 
 Several other men were employed in digging furnaces in 
 which to cook the ram and such other meats as the good old 
 lady had prepared. There was a perfect pyramid of chickens, 
 pigs, mutton, turkeys, &c. , &c., besides a vast quantity of 
 pies, cakes, bread, cheese, butter, pickles, and numerous other 
 articles at this barbecue which were wholly unknown at other 
 barbecues before and since that time. 
 
 Granny Short determined to, and did, outstrip all former 
 efforts from all sources attending barbecues, and has as such 
 carved her name high up on the pillar of (i\me, where neither 
 tempest nor sunshine will ever blot it out. 
 
 But at this point we will give a short hisLoiy of the black 
 ram, as he will figure largely throughout the entire barbecue. 
 
 His grandsire was brought to this country at an early day 
 by one Samuel Fox, who came from Culpepper County, \'ir- 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 6 1 
 
 ginia, and who sold the ram some years after he was grown to 
 one Wyaty Phikston (who was a great judge of such animals 
 and exceeding shrewd in such trades) for an inconsiderable sum. 
 
 Pinkston immediately recognizing in his extra size and un- 
 usual swiftness that he was a remarkable animal, put him in 
 throrough training for the turf. And to this end he opened a 
 track at a place called " Mutton Plains," in Madison County, on 
 Tate's Creek, and about six miles from the mouth thereof. 
 There were two tracks, one hundred yards long and about five 
 feet apart, running parallel with each other, the one intended 
 for the sheep and his rider, the other for any man who might 
 wish to run against the sheep, for it was only intended to run 
 the ram against men, not sheep. 
 
 The ram was well trained, and one of Wyaty's boys was 
 taught to ride him in rather a singular way. 
 
 The boy was small, and in order to get a good hold on the 
 sheep he was made to lie down upon the sheep's back, with 
 his legs locked round his neck, and his nose close to the root 
 of its tail, so. that the little fellow could reach down on each 
 side of the ram and lay hold of the wool about the flanks. 
 The ram was then placed on the left hand track, while the man 
 who was to run against him stood on the right hand track, 
 with bare head and feet, and breeches rolled up to the last ex- 
 tremity. 
 
 There were two men chosen to judge at each end of the track, 
 and both animals, the man and the ram, at the word "go," 
 went forward like a mighty, rushing wind. 
 
 When a race was made up and became generally known in all 
 the region round about, the people poured in by hundreds, 
 and the novelty of the thing was such that there could always 
 be found some one who would run against the ram, besides, 
 Pinkston always bet something, if nothing more than an old- 
 fashioned round silver quarter or a pint of whisky, and he 
 always won, for there could be found no man that was able to 
 stand before the ram. 
 
 This sport was kept up some several years, until one day the 
 ram escaped, and straying down the creek, was caught by some 
 of Col. Dejarnet's boys, who threw him down, and having no 
 
62 GRANNY SHORT's BARBECUE. 
 
 knife, pecked off the end of his tail with a rock, and then 
 turned him loose. The ram started home, with his hinder parts 
 covered with blood, and Wyaty meeting him, and seeing his 
 condition, became so much exasperated at the animal for stray- 
 ing away, declared he should never make another race, and he 
 would sell him to the first person who offered to buy. 
 
 Granny Short hearing this through the Major, who was well 
 acquainted with the ram and his distinguished owner, sent a 
 messenger with the money, who bought the ram, and brought 
 him to the "Scratch-back," where he was most shamefully be- 
 headed as mentioned. 
 
 The genealogy of this ram has been traced back to the days 
 of King Nebuchadnezzar, and among his distinguished line of 
 ancestors famous in poetry and song stands " Darby's Ram," 
 whose foot covered, as we are told, an acre of ground. But 
 we will here close our remarks concerning the antecedents of 
 the distinguished ram and return to the table of Granny Short. 
 
 The Major had furnished her out of his store with a large 
 quantity of the nicest and most fashionable table cloths. He 
 had also furnished her with an ample quantity of the finest 
 table cutlery. 
 
 But the Major had not yet arrived, on account of which the 
 crowd became alarmed, lest some great disaster had befallen 
 him, and the cause of his absence was the subject of much 
 talk and cogitation. 
 
 About this time one George Bluster, with his two boys, 
 who were nearly grown, came in leading a large, dark brin41e 
 bull bitch, tied around the neck with two new ropes. This 
 created much consternation among many of the people, who 
 feared that this huge and ferocious animal would not only bite, 
 but would eat them up, for there had previously been no such 
 bitch seen by that generation of men, and none such will ever 
 be seen again, for she was the bitch of bitches, and the last of 
 her tribe. This man Bluster was considerably stricken with 
 years, and exceedingly bald-headed, and no eyebrows or eye- 
 lashes ; he was inclined to be corpulent, was bow-legged, 
 pigeon-toed, wore low-quartered shoes with square toes, and 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 63 
 
 his shirt sleeves and trowsers were rolled up as far as the state 
 of the case would admit. 
 
 There had been an unusual quantity of hair on his legs, 
 some of which was worn off, while the streaks that had been 
 left were mingled with white and black hairs, constituting an 
 iron grey color. The ends of this hair, as it hung down, lashed 
 his plump shanks while he was running to and fro praising his 
 bitch. His great excitement and unusually nimble movements, 
 together with the incessant heat, caused a most profuse perspira- 
 tion to break out upon his body, and as he was jumping and 
 capering about, his shirt (which was rather short) began to 
 climb his back, and within a few moments made such progress 
 as to reach his arm pits. 
 
 This left a considerable ring around his body without any 
 covering, which glistened in the sun, to the great amusement of 
 the bystanders. When the old man and his crowd came up, 
 he was in the lead, the bitch following immediately behind 
 him, wath a boy on each side leading her with ropes as re- 
 marked, and as they neared the dense throng the old man 
 cried with a loud voice, saying, "Clear the way, the bitch is 
 coming!" The crowd immediately separated to give them a 
 pass- way, and on they went until they reached a place where 
 the wind had blown down a large scaly-barked hickory tree, 
 when the old chap ordered that the bitch should be fastened 
 with both ropes to a large and strong root of the tree. 
 
 The old lad had strong lungs and a loud shrill voice, and was 
 blessed with untiring perseverance ; besides, he was never out 
 of heart, always in a good humor (except when insulted, at 
 which time he was as game and venomous as a rattle-snake), 
 forever pleased with himself and all that he said. He con- 
 tinued for some time to move about near his bitch, and would 
 say, "Well, gentlemen and ladies, and all others what wants 
 to see a thing worth looking at, come here and gaze upon this 
 here bitch, but let everybody be careful not to get too close or 
 she will bite them, and when she once lays chops upon a creeter 
 he will never be able to scratch again." At this proclamation 
 everybody pressed forward to take a look at the animal, which 
 greatly pleased her distinguished owner. 
 
64 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The barbecue table extended entirely across the creek bot- 
 tom, commencing' at the foot of the south hill at a small bluff 
 about the hight of the table, and extending in rather an east- 
 wardly direction to a large forked elm near the bank of the 
 creek, close to a pool of water about six feet deep. The table 
 was supported at each end by a rock wall, while all along, it 
 rested upon timbers placed in forks firmly driven into the 
 ground. This framework was covered with large poplar planks, 
 and thus the table was made and finished. 
 
 Upon examination, the work was not only found to be good, 
 but very good. Upon these planks were spread the beautiful 
 and valuable cloths heretofore mentioned, and then came the 
 plates, knives and forks, &c., &c., so that by I2 o'clock of 
 that day all things were ready to put the dinner on the table. 
 The cooking furnaces had been in full blast from an early hour 
 in the morning, and columns of smoke arose from them as 
 from a prairie on fire. Everything looked cheerful, and the 
 crowd was in fine spirits. 
 
 The strange absence of the Major, however, could not be 
 accounted for — in fact, it was whispered that he would not be 
 there at all, and there seemed to be an impression, that, having 
 discovered he was to be beaten, he would not waste any more 
 time. Others thought that the expenses of the thing, which 
 he was to foot, would be far greater than he at first expected, 
 and on that account he would back out. 
 
 At this time old Zaiah Pinkston and three or four of his boys 
 arrived, followed by a large yellow cur dog, which was heavy 
 set, broad over the back, and full under the belly; his nose 
 rather blunt for a dog of his blood, his dew claws too close to 
 the ground, though he seemed to be a good humored fellow; 
 he would occasionally squat and scratch to a powerful extent; 
 had an extensive tail, broad and exceedingly long, curved high 
 over his back. 
 
 With this tail, and in this condition, he was constantly walk- 
 ing to and fro upon the earth, would frequently march up to 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 65 
 
 the cheese and ginger-bread and smell of them, sometimes make 
 passes at them ; would sometimes go down to where the black 
 ram had been killed, and then back and growl a little with sev- 
 eral bench fices and other dogs which happened to be there. 
 The name of this dog was "Watch," and he was most generally 
 called "Watch Pinkston " by the boys who were well ac- 
 quainted with him, and on the same grounds, and for the same 
 reasons, Bluster's bitch was called "Spring Bluster." Now, 
 both of these animals became acquainted with everbody on the 
 ground, and both of them distinguished themselves on that day, 
 as will be presently seen. 
 
 Watch had" come against the will of old man Pinkston ; but 
 by the secret encouragement and maneuvering of the Pinkston 
 boys, who were anxious to have him at the barbecue, in order 
 to see him move about, and hear men enquire " Whose big, 
 fine dog is that, I wonder?" and others to answer, "That's 
 Watch Pinkston." All this conversation the boys imagined 
 would take place, and in this they were not deceived, many 
 remarks being made in his praise on that occasion, for every 
 one agreed that he had the largest and most magnificent tail 
 that had ever been swung to a dog, and while old man Pink- 
 ston and the other sensible men there became disgusted with the 
 animal and those who were admiring him so much, the young 
 bloods generally were greatly delighted with the dog, and con- 
 stantly followed him about to hear and report what others said 
 about him, One of the P'nkston boys, however, with a few 
 more mischievous fellows, encouraged by several crafty old 
 men, formed rather a secret design on the dog, which they de- 
 termined to put into execution at the proper time. By this 
 time it began to be spoken about that the Major would not be 
 there that day. This threw the crowd into great confusion. 
 The cake and cider women, the owners of the numerous small 
 kegs of whisky, in fact, everybody wore a sad countenance, for 
 according to arrangements nothing was to be eaten or drank, 
 and not a single bow to be drawn across a fiddle until the Major 
 arrived, when they were to play " Natches under the Hill" 
 
 5 
 
66 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 and " Yellow Calf's Eye." In short, it was the Major's barbe- 
 cue, planned, arranged, and furnished alone by him (Granny 
 Short being used as a cloak), and, therefore, nothing was to be 
 done until he arrived. 
 
 The dinner was ready — the flesh had been stripped off the 
 bones of the black ram — about five pounds in all — being of a 
 pale blueish color, and mostly whitleather. At last, one man, 
 standmg on tiptoe, and looking away down the creek in the di- 
 rection the Major was expected to come, said he thought he 
 saw something moving, but could not tell whether it was a 
 man or beast, or both. At this remark many other eyes were 
 turned in the same direction, when it was discovered to be a 
 man on horseback, coming at full speed, too distant to distin, 
 guish who he was, but hope had welled up in every heart, for 
 it was thought to be the Major. Finally, the approaching man 
 came in plain view, his horse under full tilt, his head laid back 
 over the horse's tail, his toes stuck out, and his heels stuck in- 
 and lo ! it was the Major, riding his noble brown charger that 
 had carried him through so many similar conflicts. At first he 
 seemed as he approached to be jumping up and down, which 
 was caused by the leaps of his horse as he would bound from 
 the ground and light upon it again. The coat of the Major was 
 a black spade-tail, his vest long and white like the breast of a 
 hawk. He had on a ruffled shirt, the bosum of which was 
 fastened by a gold pin. He had silver spurs upon his heels, 
 gold-headed cane in his hand, and an uncommonly long black 
 silk hat upon his head, red silk handkerchief swinging about half 
 out of his pocket behind, and a white cravat around his neck, a 
 snow white handkerchief hanging out of his side pocket, his 
 coat lined with red silk velvet, and he wore a large gold watch 
 and long heavy chain, with a huge gold seal attached thereto 
 "vvith the following inscription thereon: "This is a beaver on 
 whom I swing." All were profoundly silent under the arrange- 
 ments which had been made (for every one was to be quiet 
 until a given signal), although it was almost death to them. 
 
 As the Major came near, the dense crowd gave way, dividing 
 to the right and left, opening a passway to the dinner table. 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 6^ 
 
 and when he came near it, he suddenly checked up in the 
 midst of the mint, cider, ginger-cakes, and pies, and throwing 
 himself back as far as he could in his saddle, he then came for- 
 ward until his nose touched the ears of his faithful equine, then, 
 straightening himself, and striking a ramrodical attitude, he 
 proclaimed with a loud voice : "I thank God that I am here, and 
 pleased with this sight. Granny Short, charge this dinner to 
 me." Then turning to the right: " Ladies and gentlemen — I 
 am proud to see you all — charge all these ginger-cakes, whisky, 
 cider, and everything to me." The signal to yell was now 
 given, and one loud, long, and protracted shout, loud as the 
 thunder of Niagara's cataract, ascended toward heaven. So 
 soon as this shout died away on the passing zephyrs, all the in- 
 struments of music, comprising fiddles, banjos, fifes, flutes, ram's 
 horns, and trumpets were turned loose in one grand national 
 blast, far louder than the sounding of ram's horns around the 
 walls of the ancient city of Jericho. Some jumped up, and 
 others tried, but failed; some patted, and some danced; some 
 stood on their feet, and others on their heads, while others 
 again could not stand at all. Old Ned Powell and many others 
 turned sununej'sets, while Wyaty Pinkston, Sears, Coats, Whit- 
 taco, Peter Shiner, and others, went high up into the air on the 
 pigeon wing. At this point, an old lady stooped down, and 
 catching the lower part of her dress in one hand, went over in 
 a new-fashioned summersault, whereat the horses becoming 
 alarmed, broke their bridles, and ran away; while others, in 
 pulling back, broke their necks and fell dead in their tracks. 
 The earth in all quarters was made to sound like thunder as the 
 loose horses bounded away over the hills. There was quite a 
 number of hounds, curs, spaniels, and the like, that had stop- 
 ped in during the day. Their eyes were red, green, and 
 yellow. Some had short, and some had long tails, and some 
 had no tails at all. All these dogs with one accord sat down 
 upon the earth, and, turning their noses up, while their ears 
 hung down close to their heads, howled with all their power, 
 the shrill voice of "Bluster's bitch" far above them all, while 
 "Watch Pinkston " howled bass for the whole party. 
 
68 GRANNV short's BARBECUE. 
 
 The howling of the dogs, the yells of the multitude, the 
 noise of the musical instruments, and the rattling of horses' 
 hoofs sounded as if an earthquake were on its march. 
 
 The crowd, old and young (except Granny Short), now 
 divided off into dancing parties, all the men, of every age and 
 description — headed by the Major, who was an old, experienced, 
 and most excellent performer — being on one side, and all the 
 women and girls upon the other, exactly equal in number to 
 the gentlemen. Some stood upon the green grass with their 
 fine boots and shoes, and some in their bare feet in the deep dust, 
 so that it oozed up between their great and small toes until it 
 entirely covered the front part of their feet. When all were in 
 their proper places a loud yell was given for Underfoot, after 
 which, at a given signal, all the horns and stringed instruments 
 struck out on " Arkansas Traveler," and the couples moved for- 
 ward hand in hand, and after a few rounds the crowd stood back 
 for the Tate's Creek shufBer, who made the fur and dust to- fly. 
 
 There was no time lost in the preparation of something new 
 and good to drink. The whisky was poured from the small 
 kegs into the washing tubs, the buckets, pails, and churns ; then 
 large quantities of maple sugar and the stacks of mint, with as 
 much cold water as was considered necessary, were thrown in, 
 and then great numbers of men, women, and children, with 
 sticks, ladles, and paddles, went in on the stir, and while the 
 faithful stirrers moved along in their great work, large drops, 
 and, in some instances, streams of perspiration, poured down 
 into the vessels, thus greatly augmenting the contents thereof, 
 causing some of them to overflow, so that not only the quan- 
 tity was increased but the flavor also. 
 
 During this time numerous persons were standing by and 
 urging the completion of the work. Their repeated requests 
 were not only listened to, but were strictly obeyed, and the 
 work was soon done, when many individuals, being too impa- 
 tient to wait for cups, thrust their bills into the delicious bever- 
 age, and on their all-fours took many deep draughts from the 
 aforesaid buckets and tubs. When an individual remained with 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE, 69 
 
 bill in tub too long, it was not uncommon for some others to 
 hop at him and souse him head and ears into the intoxicating 
 fluid, and this was considered wonderfully amusing and in- 
 genuous. Many of those who thus made their living by suction 
 were soon laid out to cool — some in the corners of the fence, 
 others under the dinner-table, and some in the dust ; others in 
 the "gympsum-weeds" and dog-fennel. And thus the work 
 went on until every one present had filled his craw with the 
 good things of the day. 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 As the vessels were being emptied the crowd increased in 
 their zeal. Some jumped up and cracked their heels together, 
 and others fell down and cracked their bones together ; some 
 looked wild, some looked sleepy, but none looked wise ; some 
 were glass-eyed, some red-eyed, some pop-eyed, some goggle- 
 eyed, but none clear-eyed. 
 
 Many of those fallen in the action lay covered with dust, their 
 teeth stained with mint, looking like grass-fed cattle. The fid- 
 dling and dancing continued. The candidates were alive to their 
 work, and every man laid himself to the earth. In the mean- 
 while all the ginger-cakes. and cider were swept in good order. 
 
 The dinner was now ready, the black ram being conspicuous 
 among other things and very tough, for in death as in life he 
 was hard to conquer. 
 
 There was a man of considerable importance on the ground 
 by the name of Peter Humbug, a constable, and, withal, a man 
 of pleasing countenance. He had won great renown by carry- 
 ing the largest pair of saddle-bags ever known, which covered 
 his little switch-tailed filly from one end to the other, and con- 
 tained a "johnny-cake board" and a small string of red pepper, 
 the first property upon which he ever had levied and taken to 
 
"JO GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 the town of Lancaster, which he had previously advertised as 
 follows (verbatim), viz.: " 
 
 "constable's sail! 
 
 "I will sell on the fust day of the nex county ct one jonnie 
 cague board and a string of red pepper levied on by me to pa a 
 dot agt Jonas Potter on the follering terms, vizzard: 
 
 "They will be sold on a credit of three months — bond with 
 good and approved security required of the perchaser havin the 
 force and effec of a replevin bond and a lean retaned on the 
 same for the purchase money. _ Possession given on the istday 
 of Jany n'xt. July 20th 1840. 
 
 "Peter Humbug, 
 
 * ' zvJiat is Constable. 
 
 It has always been thought that this notice was gotten up by 
 the Hon. Peter Shiner, on account of the great similarity it bears 
 to his style of writing. But let us return to the subject. 
 
 This man was set apart to proclaim that dinner was ready. 
 He made three unsuccessful attempts to bounce a stump for the 
 purpose stated, and Avas each time borne down and overpow- 
 ered by the weight of his saddle-bags, which were filled with 
 cocks and hens, as was supposed, levied on for debt ; and this 
 supposition proved correct, when one of the fowls ran its head 
 out of the saddle-bags to see what was going on. At this junc- 
 ture a gentleman, seeing the difficulties under which our hero 
 was laboring, kindly assisted him to mount the stump, when he 
 proclaimed, in a shrill voice: 
 
 "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Granny Short's dinner are now ready." 
 
 This man, as was the custom with all such officers of that day, 
 never parted for a moment with his saddle-bags, and even when 
 he sat down at the dinner-table he flung them over his lap, his 
 knees supporting one side of them while the other lay on 
 the ground. When the proclamation for dinner was made, 
 every human being that could stand made a rush at the din- 
 ner-table, running over old man Agee and a few other slow- 
 footed old men. The first thing the Major did when he 
 reached the table was to snatch the mutton. He seized first 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 7 I 
 
 upon the black ram, threw a large piece thereof into his mouth, 
 and commenced immediate operations. Being in a great hurry, 
 he undertook to swallow before he had properly chewed it, and 
 as a necessary consequence it stuck in his throat, well nigh 
 choking him to death, and would have inevitably done so had 
 not "Granny Short" and two other women loped upon his 
 back and commenced a series of unmerciful thumpings with fists 
 and the like thereon, on account of which the meat flew out of 
 his mouth like a wad from a pop-gun, knocking a pitcher into 
 fragments, and then went hissing over the table, bouncing up 
 and down until it fell upon the green grass, forming a beautiful 
 contrast therewith, as it was as blue as an indigo bag. As soon 
 as the Major recovered his breath he exclaimed : 
 
 "Granny Short, I give you my word that is the best mutton 
 and this is the best barbecue I have seen this year." 
 
 When Granny Short commenced beating the Major in the 
 back she was really in good earnest. She went to work as if 
 his life depended upon her exertions. She stood flat-footed 
 upon the earth, her face uncommonly red, white cap with heavy 
 border tied in a neat bow under her chin, while she brought her 
 fists down upon the Major's back "like a thousand of brick." 
 Nor were the other two women much behind her in size and 
 strength, and they all three tip-toed, stuck their toes into the 
 earth, and warmed the Major with the result aforesaid. 
 
 Everybody now went to work on the table, and all acted as 
 if they had never eaten a mouthful before and never expected 
 to eat another again. About this time two of the boys of old 
 Zaiah Pinkston, encouraged by one Addler Agee, left the table, 
 coaxing " Pinkston's Watch" to the top of the blufl", at which 
 point one end of the table rested, as we have hereinbefore de- 
 tailed, where they found a small clearing covered with beautiful 
 bluegrass. We should have remarked that the side of the hill 
 between this opening and the dinner-table was thickly covered 
 with majestic trees, at the base of which were immense quan- 
 tities of dead leaves. When the boys reached the summit of 
 this hill one of them took " Watch" by the ears, and, patting 
 
72 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 him kindly, straddled him, and then leaned back on his cars, 
 while the others straddled the dog also and leaned back on his 
 tail, and all the while kind words were used to quiet the fears 
 of the poor animal. Old man Agee now directed that the dog's 
 nose should be turned in the direction of home, which was in a 
 direct line with the dinner-table, and then, under his instruc- 
 tions, a medicine called the "old pine-tree or Phillipsat Doss" 
 was administered to the dog, after which he was turned loose. 
 At first he seemed to pay no attention to what had been done, 
 except to look a little wild, and to get up and set down occa- 
 sionally as if to rest himself. Presently he began to whine 
 and show some sign of uneasiness, and all at once he gave a 
 jump high in the air, and as he struck the earth broke out into 
 an unearthly howl, and, placing his nose close to the ground, 
 struck out with the speed of a locomotive. This yelp he con- 
 tinued until he got out of the cleared land, at which time he 
 ceased either to bark or yelp, but confined his feet to the earth 
 and "went it blind." Down the hill he went, leaving blue 
 streaks as long as a fishing-pole behind him at every jump, the 
 dead leaves gathering in the whirlwind that he left behind, until 
 there was a perfect cloud of dead leaves in the air, extending 
 from the cleared land to where the leaves ' 'gave out. " As Watch 
 remembered having seen his old master at the dinner-table 
 before he left, and knowing the young bloods who had treated 
 him so outrageously, he made for him, which of course led him 
 in the direction of the dinner-table. Nor was he long in reach- 
 ing it. Some looked up the hill and said: "Yonder comes a 
 dog;" others said it is " Pinkston's Watch ;" but these words 
 had scarcely left their mouths before the animal, with one pow- 
 erful bound, "lit" upon the table, driving his claws deep into 
 the same. Having made this lunge, he continued his course 
 down the long line of tables, turning over the gravy and milk, 
 and away he went from dish to dish, leaving the impression of 
 his claws wherever he struck the table. Lbudun's face and 
 eyes were Utterly bespattered with butter and gravy, and t!ie 
 animal, striking the long nose of the Major, whirled him around 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 73 
 
 like a weathercock, until he faced "Granny Short," to whom 
 he remarked, as the blood trickled down his face, that her 
 victuals would be all the better for the "run that had been 
 made on her table." But Watch kept on, not even inquiring 
 for his old master, for in the excitement of the moment he had 
 forgotten him, and when he reached the extreme end of the 
 table, which was near the pool of water, as we have previously 
 stated, he cleared it at a bound, leaving a blue blaze from one 
 end of the table to the other, and covering the whole surface 
 of the pool. But away he went, the men, women, children, 
 and dogs watching his flying movements, not a single dog 
 barking, for they seemed to know and sympathize with his 
 condition. By this time he seemed to have left the ground 
 and to be running in the air, and on meeting old John Hunt 
 and Joe Adams with red chicken cocks under their arms, which 
 they were taking down to fight that day, their horses took a 
 fright, throwing both the men and their cocks on the ground, 
 and went down the road in a cloud of dust to escape the wild 
 animal they had met. The marks of the flight are visible to 
 this day, for no vegetation has ever grown on the spot where 
 the blue streak settled, and the earth is as black as the darkness 
 of Egypt. What became of Watch we know not, but suppose 
 he has reached the hunt'ng-grounds of the Indians, and is now 
 doing good service in that beautiful land of the Great Spirit. 
 
 The sudden attack on the dinner-table, as might have been 
 expected, caused great commotion, and had it been known who 
 perpetrated the outrage he would have been most certainly 
 hanged. 
 
 But there was no time in which to dispute, for speaking was 
 about to commence, and upon that it was thought much, if not 
 everything, depended, and it was upon that account that the 
 barbecue had been gotten up and the crowd called together. 
 
 The necessary preparations having been made and the whole 
 crowd being in full blast, an appropriate place was sought after, 
 which resulted in the selection of a large scaly-bark hickory 
 log hard by the Bluster bitch as a fit place upon which the 
 candidates should stand while addressing the audience. Be- 
 
74 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 sides, this rural platform was overhung- with the clustering 
 branches of two majestic elms, not far from which a crystal 
 spring bursting from the hillside ran murmuring by, sufficiently 
 near for the refreshment of the audience. Two pitchers of this 
 delightful water were placed near the speakers, and, if Madame 
 Rumor says truly (and we know on such great occasions she never 
 lies), mixed in with the water was a delightful beverage known 
 among Kentuckians by the soubriquet of "Old Bourbon." The 
 speakers then took their position on the log, there seemed to 
 be a general rush to see who might be nearest, and every thing 
 was characterized with the bustle usually attending such places. 
 But every body finally having quieted down, their hearts throb- 
 bing as if they would burst with excitement and expectation, 
 the same distinguished individual who had proclaimed dinner, 
 to-wit: old Peter Humbug, with saddle-bags upon his back and 
 hat stuck over the left eye, bounced upon the log, and in a loud 
 voice (for he was a man of much wind) cried: " O, yes! O, 
 yes ! ! O, yes, gentlemen, the candidates is now all on the^ 
 ground and the speaking arc now ready to commence." 
 
 Having thus delivered himself, he drew from his pocket a 
 huge twist of sand-hill tobacco, tore a large piece with his 
 valiant teeth, thrust the same into his capacious jaws, and then 
 with a sigh of relief and a look of most profound satisfaction 
 took his seat, believing that he ef all others was the happiest 
 and most considerable man upon earth. 
 
 CHAPTER Xn. 
 
 The Major, a cunning old fox, had arranged to get what was 
 then called the " last hitch " by making Loudun lead off in the 
 argument. 
 
 Under this arrangement Loudun took the log, and siiid: 
 "My strange friends and fellow -citizens, I am before > ou tor 
 the first, and in all probability the last, time. I am in a strange 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 75 
 
 place, and among strange people, with but a few exceptions. 
 You all know what my politics are; that I am a Whig — a life- 
 long Whig — but it is hard to know what my friend, the Major, 
 now is or ever was for. Whether he is a Whig or a Democrat 
 is unknown tome, and I presume to all others, for he always has 
 been a wishj^-washy, milk-and-cider horse. He is like the 
 man's sow that rooted first on one and then on the other side 
 of the branch, until her owner could not tell whether she was 
 on the north or south side of the stream. [Cries of 'That's 
 the truth,' by a few; and by others, 'Not so.'] 
 
 "Fellow-citizens, I am a constitutional man, a man of law 
 and order ; a man who will guard your best interests if elected, 
 and a man who will ever feel more than grateful for all your 
 kindness. 
 
 "There has been a matter of dispute between Major Under- 
 foot and myself in regard to the importation of slaves into this 
 Commonwealth ever since the commencement of this canvass. 
 I am for the law of 1833, prohibiting the importation of slaves 
 into this State, and have so discussed the question everywhere 
 I have been. Not so, however, with my competitor, who has 
 sometimes varied his tone to suit the crowd. When addressing 
 poor men he would virtually slip over this question, but when 
 addressing men of wealth who were slave-holders, he would de- 
 clare his most solemn convictions that the law was, to all in- 
 tents and purposes, uncon'^titutional and void. So, as remarked, 
 he has been rooting on both sides of the branch. If I thought 
 ,the law unconstitutional, I would declare myself against it; but 
 I do not so consider it, and am therefore for it upon constitu- 
 tional principles. 
 
 " But, independent of the question of constitutionality, I am 
 for the law upon policy ; because we know for a number of 
 years the most worthless and reckless negroes in all the South- 
 ern country have been brought to this State and sold and mixed 
 with our native slaves, which has resulted in great annoyance 
 and injury to them. Besides, they have contaminated the mor- 
 als and good conduct of our slaves, and caused many of them 
 to be severely punished. Nor is this all. The introduction of 
 
'j6 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 such slaves will cause our people to sell their most valuable 
 slaves out of the State ; so that, by the repeal of this law, we 
 bring in all the naean and worthless slaves, and take out all the 
 good ones, the good ones having to be sold before they become 
 contaminated in order to make them bring a sound price. By 
 these means our Commonwealth will be flooded with the mean- 
 est and most degraded of all human population, whereas, our 
 native-born slaves, by far the best in the world, will fill up the 
 Southern plantations and become of great value to the very peo- 
 ple who have thus imposed upon Kentuckians. This is not yet 
 all. I must express the candid conviction of my heart for long 
 years past, and that is, that even the most obedient and valua- 
 ble slaves will, at some future day, be rendered worthless to 
 their owners. In fact, I consider them at this time the most 
 uncertain property our people ever had anything to do with ; 
 and, as remarked, I am of opinion that this state of things will 
 grow worse. 
 
 "I have examined the whole question as fully as I could, and 
 am free to say I can see no good reason for the repeal of the 
 law, either on account of its policy or its alleged unconstitution- 
 ality, and under this circumstance, if. elected, I will vote to re- 
 tain that law on our statute book. 
 
 "This is, I believe, the main issue between the Major and 
 myself, and I have been particular here, as I have at other 
 places in my public speeches and private conversations, to fairly 
 present my views to every human being in my district; for, no 
 matter what may be my fate, whether successful or unsuccess- 
 ful, I will deceive no man. Neither will I hold out false colors ; 
 and, this being the case, when you come to the polls you will 
 know what you are voting for if you vote for me. 
 
 "I have on this occasion been more particular than usual, as 
 this will be the last time I can address you, as you know that 
 day after to-morrow the election will commence. 
 
 "I do not claim to be much of a speaker. I have never 
 mingled a great deal in political life, and am wholly unacquaint- 
 ed with political maneuvering, being but a plain and candid 
 man. If elected, I will do all in my power to promptly attend 
 
GRAfJNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 'J'J 
 
 to what is intrusted me. And if, upon the other hand, I should 
 be defeated, I will submissively and cheerfully bow to the will 
 of the people, whose will I hold to be sovereign in all re- 
 publics." 
 
 Here Loudun closed his remarks and took his seat, where- 
 upon the Underfoot men, who were "cocked and primed" for 
 the occasion, rose up and with one accord yelled for the Major. 
 The Major sprang upon the log near by Bluster's bitch (which 
 was tied), and thereupon she growled at his unceremonious 
 manner, displaying her large white teeth, thus evidently mani- 
 festing her dislike for him. But the Major neither saw or 
 heard what she was doing. He stood still in his tracks, waiting 
 for the greasy multitude to become settled and quiet. As be- 
 fore remarked, he was tall and of commanding appearance ; a 
 pair of huge morocco boots encased his mighty feet; he wore a 
 loose pair of sky-green trowsers ; a black spade-tailed coat, fitting 
 his manly figure with a perfect exactness, formed no inconsid- 
 erable portion of his dress ; an enormous standing collar stood 
 up in alarming proximity to his ears, a red cravat tied in a huge 
 knot flying gaily over each brawny shoulder, while under one 
 arm he held with great tenderness a magnificent three-story 
 beaver, shaped not unlike an old-time bee gum, and under the 
 other a large quantity of pamphlets, newspapers, etc., wherein 
 were set forth his acts of political prowess. A smile of satis- 
 faction lurked in the corners of his immense mouth as he thus 
 stood in his majesty, waiting, as it were, to draw in all his 
 wind for the occasion. 
 
 All was now quiet. Even the songsters of the grove ceased 
 their songs, and the little stream hard by hushed its murmur- 
 ings to hear the great voice of this mighty man of the earth as 
 he was called. Nor did they long wait, for in a moment more 
 the Major in a trumpet voice broke forth as follows : 
 
 "I am always thankful to my God to stand before such 
 crowds as this, and although we have been somewhat disturbed 
 by the race of "Watch Pinkston " over the dinner- table, yet 
 there has been no great amount of harm done, and we are all 
 here as safe and sound as roaches. Yes, my fellow-citizens, I 
 
78 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 am here this day to vindicate the rights and dearest interests of 
 the great body and mass of the people, for whom I have so 
 often bled and died, and am wilhng to do so a thousand times 
 more, for I know no bounds when I am at work for you, the 
 people who have done so much, and worked so hard for me. 
 From the days of my youth you have stood by me until now, 
 as you know and the other nations of the earth likewise know, 
 I am a man of no ordinary distinction in the earth. 'Tis true 
 as I speak and this day give forcible utterance to the most 
 powerfully lofty sentiments, that I am a man of deep penetra- 
 tion. [Cries of 'That's so; you are an able-so-fay. '] Long 
 weeks ago, my fellow-citizens, I made arrangements for this 
 identical barbecue, where we have all been so sumptuously fed 
 this day. [Cries of Loudun men : ' How do you feel over 
 getting choked on that black ram you tried to swallow?'] 
 Great God ! who ever heard such questions ? Who is that in 
 this large audience so low and mean as to cast slurs and slanders 
 upon .that good woman, 'Granny Short?' To insinuate that 
 she fed you — yes, you, the great body and mass of the peo- 
 ple — on a black ram to-day ? Who is it that thus attempts this 
 valuable scandal on this woman and her meal ? Show me the 
 scamp who said I was choked on this ram, [Cries of "Warm 
 him, my major" — "score him to the red, for we'll swear you 
 did'nt get choked on the ram."j The major continued — "Yes, 
 my fellow-citizens, now I reckon you know who is who, and 
 what is what. There was no black ram on this ground to-day, 
 and even if there had been, who, what man was able to swallow 
 him? It is true, I attempted to eat a piece of a black ram, 
 that was well cooked by as good a woman as ever broke the 
 bread of life — and did get a little choked on it; but it was the 
 best mutton I ever saw and the best cooked meat I ever put 
 into my mouth ; and on this account and being uncommonly 
 hungry (for you know it was late before I got here to-day), I 
 was a little too greedy, and hence was choked in the attempt, 
 but it was promptly knocked out of me by these good women 
 (God bless their hearts), and I am now rveller tha.n ever. Where 
 the blue piece of meat is I know not, unless it was swallowed 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 79 
 
 by Pinkston's Watch, which may have been the cause of the 
 shines that dog has this day cut over the dinner-table and earth 
 generally, for what dog would not cut shines with a black ram 
 in him. How does it happen that I am thus interrupted when 
 I am speaking to you, the people, upon questions of such vital 
 importance — questions which involve even the life and death ; 
 yes, I might go further and say, even the very existence of this 
 vast nation. Why, I ask again, am I to be interrupted in this 
 way ? You know, fellow-citizens, that such conduct is not by 
 my friends, but by men who are here on this ground to eat and 
 swallow my — no. Granny Short's victuals, and pay her nothing 
 for it. [It was important that Granny Short and the Major 
 should be made joint sufferers.] I do hope no question will 
 again spring from a similar source. 
 
 "Yes, my fellow-citizens, I am the man of and I may well 
 say for the people — the great body and the great mass of the 
 people in all their various shapes, forms and fashions, and I 
 know it, and they know it. [Cries — 'Yes, we all know it.'] 
 
 " I have sot all the time with my great and ponderous weight 
 on the ' public chist ' of your State, and many thousands have 
 been the times that I have with my brawny hand wrenched the 
 key of that chist from the hands of thieves and robbers who 
 have so often attempted to steal your money from that most 
 holy and sacred place — and will do so again next winter, for I 
 am sure to be elected within the next four days, and when I 
 get to the capital of your mighty State, where I have often 
 been before, I will then and there, as I have in days past and 
 gone, make things squat before me. 
 
 " But what does my competitor promise he will do if elected ? 
 Yes, what ? J ust nothing. Nor will he be able to do or ever try 
 to do anything, but most shamefully squander and waste the 
 money of you, the people. He says that I am 'like the man's 
 sow that rooted on both sides of the branch. ' Yes, and before 
 God he has this day 'got the wrong sow by the ear.' [Here 
 Loudun arose and remarked, ' I always knew you was a hog ; but 
 never knew before that you were a sow.' The Major pretend- 
 
80 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 ing that he had not heard Loudun, continued] : Yes, this sou- 
 will root you out of your den and out of your nest before 
 she is done with you. [At this point a mischievous Loudun 
 man asked him, ' How has your nose got since Pinkston's 
 Watch made a pass at it?'] How is my nose? Who cares 
 for my nose or Pinkston's Watch ? I care nothing for noses, 
 Watch, or the Pinkston family when I am discussing measures 
 and principles of so much importance. [Seeing his old friend 
 Wyaty Pinkston looked a little wild at this expression, the 
 Major remarked] : 
 
 " When I speak of caring nothing for the Pinkston family, of 
 course I mean the Pinkston dog family. As to the Pinkston 
 people — their men, women, and children — I say, God bless 
 tliem, and, if need be, all their dogs, too, for they are all clever 
 fellows. God knows I am a friend to all men and things, be- 
 cause all men and things have been my friends in time past ; 
 yes, in times that sorely tried men's kidneys. But I have been 
 and now am the worst-treated man in the world. [He was de- 
 termined to hold himself out as a martyr.] I repeat, I am the 
 worst-treated man on this earth. What has happened to me 
 here this day? Do you not see that right here, right in this 
 blaze of intelligence, among you Christians and well-meaning 
 people, that the 'black ram' and 'Pinkston's watch' have 
 been thrown up to me, and that, too, in order to wound my 
 feelings and injure my character and high standing among men ? 
 How could I help getting choked on that ram ? He was cooked 
 and sot before me on the table of as clever a woman as ever 
 lived, and you all know it. [Cries of 'You was not bound to 
 eat that ram if he was sot before you. '] Yes. What a fool you 
 are ! How little you know of the commands of your Heavenly 
 Faithcr, who commands us to eat what is sot before us, axing 
 no questions." [Another voice, "The Scripture nowhere re- 
 quires a man to cat a black ram,"] 
 
 At this juncture the Major became furious, and made signs 
 to his bullies to come to the rescue, which they manifested a 
 willingness to do. The crowd cried to him to "Go on!" and 
 some of his bullies swore that the next man that interrupted 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 8 I 
 
 him should "lose his heart's blood." Here the Major yelled 
 . out: " I am a man myself, and a man on every piece of ground. 
 I am not only a man, but a 'beaver.' [Cries of 'That's so.'] 
 Yes, the truth, and even more than the truth, as you know I 
 am able to tell and in the habit of telling. 
 
 " I will now make some remarks about the law of 1833, in re- 
 gard to the importation of slaves into this Commonwealth, 
 which law I consider one of the greatest evils of the age. But 
 notwithstanding all this, it seems to have found favor with my 
 competitor. It is an act that I know stinks in the nostrils of all 
 constitution-loving and honest men. 
 
 " I pack this law around in my saddle-tecs to read it to you, 
 the people. It is a most odorous law. But, in order that you 
 may understand it, I will read the first section of it, which I 
 know is as much as you can stand at this time : 
 
 ^^ ' Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the CommonwealtJi of 
 Kentucky, That each and every person or persons, who shall 
 hereafter import into this State any slave or slaves, or who shall 
 sell or buy, or contract for the sale or purchase thereof for a 
 longer term than one year of the service of any such slave or 
 slaves, knowing the same to have been imported as aforesaid, he, 
 she, or they so offending, shall forfeit and pay six hundred dollars 
 for each slave so imported, sold, or bought, or whose service has 
 been so contracted for, recoverable by indictment of a grand 
 jury, or action of debt in the name of the Commonwealth of 
 Kentucky, in any circuit court of the county where the offender 
 or offenders may be found; provided, however, that nothing 
 herein contained shall be construed to authorize a recovery of 
 the penalty aforesaid from any emigrant or emigrants to this 
 State for or on account of his, her, or their having brought 
 with them any person or persons deemed slaves by the laws of 
 any of the United States, if such emigrant or emigrants shall 
 within sixty days after his, her, or their removal into this State 
 have taken before some justice of the peace the following oath 
 or affirmation, to- wit : 
 
 " ' I, , do solemnly swear (or affirm) that my removal to the 
 
 State of Kentucky was with the intention of becoming a citi- 
 6 
 
82 GRANNV short's BARBECUE. 
 
 zen thereof, and that I brou<^ht with me no slave or slaves with 
 intent of selling them, so help me God. 
 
 " 'And shall also, within thirty days after taking such oath, 
 have had the same recorded in the office of the clerk of the 
 court of the county in which the oath or affirmation was taken. 
 Nor shall anything herein contained authorize a recovery of the 
 penalty aforesaid against any person or persons, for or on ac- 
 count of his, her, or their having imported into this State any 
 slave or slaves; provided, that he, she, or they prove on the 
 trial, to the satisfaction of the jury, that he, she, or they were 
 travelers or sojourners, making only a transient stay in the 
 State. ' [See JMorcJicad and Brozvns Stahitc Laivs of Kentucky, 
 Vol. 2, page 1482.) 
 
 "Here, my fellow-citizens, is this most nefarious, this most 
 hideous, outlandish, and unprecedented act ; this law that is so 
 well calculated to arouse all the young and all the old demons 
 in hell, and to cause them to seize each other by the throat, 
 and thus hanging to each other, curse and growl throughout all 
 eternity. 
 
 " My fellow-citizens, I will hang to this law, and cry aloud and 
 spare not before the people until I sweep it from your Stat- 
 ute books. Heavens and earth ! what, a ivhite man, a grown 
 man, a Kentuckian, and above all a free man, not allowed to 
 import a slave or slaves into this Commonwealth ! What ! has 
 it come to the pass that a white man is not allowed to do as he 
 pleases with his own property ? My God ! not allowed among 
 you, the purest, most talented, and independent people on the 
 face of the earth, to take his own property when and where he 
 pleases, and carry it with him upon the earth, the water, or the 
 wind, and sell it to whom he pleases, and put the money into 
 his own pocket? 
 
 "What! can't a man bring his own horse, his cow, or his 
 pig, or even his dog into this State, without saying ' Pray 
 Massa ' to some self-important being, or to be dragged before 
 the grand jury of his county, and fined the ruinous sum of six 
 hundred dollars? Then, why should not a man bring his negro 
 also into the State when it is his own property? This is a great 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 83 
 
 subject, and if sucli things are not put down promptly the sub- 
 ject will become still greater. 
 
 " Are they not all property, and nothing but property? And 
 have they not been made so by the Constitution of yowx fathers? 
 [Cries — 'Hear! hear! He is now on the Constitution. He 
 knows more about it than any man in the world. ' Cries — ' Wann 
 thcni, my AIajo}'!'~\ Yes, that I will, for I know I am able, and 
 more than willing to score them to the red, and especially when 
 I have such a bill-holt upon them as I now have, I will make 
 the feathers and the fur fly out of their hides. [Cries — ' Whose 
 hides ? '] If you have not got sense enough to know I will not 
 talk to you. This question shows we are in a nice state of 
 things. 
 
 ' ' But to return to my subject. I say it is a nice idea that we 
 have to be debarred from, and fined and imprisoned for, bring- 
 ing our own property into this State. Yes, to be humiliated 
 and disgraced by an indictment. What are you to be indicted 
 for? Is it for the commission of a crime? Is it for stealing, 
 murder, or manslaughter ? No; but for daring to pay your own 
 money, that you have worked hard for, and buy at a fair price 
 a negro, and bring him from another into this State. And thus 
 when our institutions are defiled, our temple of liberty violated, 
 and I, boldly and above-board, am here exposing all these out- 
 rages — I am to be questioned, am I? Yes, /am to be lit down 
 upon by these men as a duck would light down upon a june- 
 bug. 
 
 "Men who are Kentuckians, who have been born and raised 
 in this dear old State of ours, and who sympathize with the ne- 
 gro, are even worse, far worse, than all the Northern Aboli- 
 tionists combined, because our people ought to have some sense 
 about such property. 
 
 "The abominable Abolitionists at the North, we all know, 
 have no sense at all in regard to such matters. The day is not 
 far distant when we, the people of the South, we of the noble 
 blood, we of the strong arms and brave hearts, will have to learn 
 these little fellows of the North a lesson that they will carry with 
 
84 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 them to their graves. They must and shall let our negro prop- 
 erty alone." 
 
 Here old Ned Powell, who never owned a negro in his life, 
 and was not even distantly related to any human being who ever 
 owned one, and who was never able to hire a negro, became 
 suffused with tears, leaped on the other end of the log whereon 
 the Major was standing, and gave vent to his imprisoned feel- 
 ings in this wise: "Thank God, the Major is able to tell us 
 how these blue-bellied Yankees are running off ^?/rnegroes ; and 
 for one I am willing to take my gun on my back at any time, 
 and just strut over the Ohio River, and kill, slay, and eat every 
 dog of that white-livered tribe who have so long been disturb- 
 ing w/?' negro property." After thus delivering himself, Ned 
 sat down. 
 
 The Major continued: "Good, old man, I am glad to hear 
 you say so; I am glad to hear you talk in that way. You and 
 I are wise men, and will stand by our rights until we fall dead as 
 salted mackerel before we will surrender. They all need killing, 
 and we will kill them if they do not remain quiet." [Again the 
 Major was interrupted by a remark from some one in the 
 crowd.] "Here it is again," resumed the Major; " here is the 
 same man making the same noise and meddling with me again. 
 I tell you I am the worst-treated man in the world, and always 
 will be. But, fellow-citizens, be not deceived. The Southern 
 people have done all the fighting in this nation. In the Revo- 
 lutionary war it was the Southern men that made King George 
 quake and tremble on his throne. At New Orleans the South- 
 ern men done the work. The fact is, one Southern man can 
 whip five, and perhaps ten. Northern men. Let the fight come 
 when it may, and I will be with them, for I am tired of having 
 our rights trampled under foot. I am willing to help warm the 
 Northern meddlers any moment ; and, mark what I tell you, we 
 can and will have our rights, no matter how it is done or what 
 it may cost. 
 
 "Look, if you please, at the great State of Virginia, 'the 
 mother of States and of statesmen ! ' Look at Kentucky, with 
 her vast territory and great men ! Look at Tennessee, with her 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 85 
 
 rich minerals and her fine water power! Look at the cotton, 
 sugar, and rice farms in the vast and boundless South, with her 
 millions of happy people, her gentle breezes and salubrious cli- 
 mate — 'God's own dear and blessed country, with her beautiful 
 streams gushing from the sides of her tall mountains clothed 
 with majestic forests, and rushing with cooling verdure over the 
 parched lands in their onward course to the ' Father of Waters.' 
 That is truly God's garden spot of this mighty globe. There 
 the weary pilgrim may find rest from the chilling blasts of the 
 North ; there the oppressed and down-trodden of all nations can 
 ^Vidi peace and protection ; there the glorious Stars and Stripes of 
 the only free and independent country in the world can float in tri- 
 umph over the free sons of noble sires 
 
 "Look at the great State of Missouri, with her unsurpassed 
 grain and hemp crops ; with her fertile soil and happy millions ; 
 and then look at the North, with her blue-bellied Yankees, with 
 her frozen country, her dismal swamps, her barren soil, her 
 mean and diminutive men, women, and children ; her cowardly 
 and imbecile population, that really have not sense to govern 
 themselves, and all of whom have been sustained, fostered, fed, 
 and clothed by the money and manhood of the South. Their 
 lakes and streams are frozen, and their mountains covered with 
 perpetual snow. Not only so, for many months of the year 
 their fields and meadows are covered with snow several feet in 
 depth, and when the crust becomes sufficiently frozen and hard 
 to bear it, they are forced to make dog wagons, in which they 
 hitch their small and great dogs, with a man in front properly 
 collared and harnessed and with back and belly-band on him, 
 and then another man drives them over the snow to haul wood 
 in order to save themselves, their cold-blooded, sharp-nosed, 
 and terrapin-footed women and their trifling children from per- 
 ishing with cold. Besides, the women keep their cows and 
 other stock in their dwelling-houses, and eat, drink, and sleep 
 with them. 
 
 " In the spring their factories are filled with boys and girls en- 
 gaged in manufacturing the cotton of the South in order to make 
 their bread and hide their nakedness. It is all, in fact, that we 
 
86 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 the people of the South can do to prevent them from starving 
 and keep them in the least respectability. [Cries of ' all that's 
 true.'] 
 
 "In addition to all this, my fellow-citizens, I understand and 
 am credibly informed, that not one out of every hundred of 
 those Northern people know how to read or write their own 
 names. So they have to depend on us, the people of the South, 
 to instruct them. No wonder they are for the negro; because 
 he is smart as they, and much better as we all know. [Cries, 
 'Burn 'um up.'] Yes, be zounds, will I, and freeze them up 
 too, because it will not take much to do either.' 
 
 " But, my fellow-citizens, let me here stop and ask, why this 
 great difference between the two countries? Will the gentle- 
 men who have been so fierce in asking me questions here to- 
 day please answer? Will they now speak? Dare they speak? 
 [Here some one remarked, ' Perhaps what you have said is really 
 not the truth. ' | Who says it is not every word the truth ? Who 
 even dares to dispute jny word? Here it is again. Again I 
 am interrupted, and who by? Who by? Some abolitionist; 
 some Northern hireling, I suppose. Some man that is here to 
 steal niggers, and run them off over the Ohio River, where they 
 will be told how bad they have been treated, and how bad they 
 will be treated, and encourage them never to come back, and 
 in this way literally ruin the poor devils. Because that moment 
 they are made free they will be irretrievably and eternally 
 ruined, as we, the people of Kentucky, well know ; for we 
 know all about thieves, from whereas to amen. Ah ! bezounds, 
 do we. 
 
 ' ' I will ask these men who love the nigger so well to look 
 where they come from, when they come to this, our much be- 
 loved county? They, as you all know, come from a country 
 where they eat up one another like the wild beasts. And now, 
 after they have been brought to this country by the good Chris- 
 tian and tender-hearted people, who found them there ; after 
 they have been warmed up and broke to the harness, made to 
 behave themselves, work in your fields, and mind well what is 
 said to them, they are now somebody. They are worth some- 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 8/ 
 
 thing to themselves and something to their owners. Yes, as 
 sure as heaven is above us, the hand of God and none other is 
 in all this; and this is the reason why the South is so much 
 better than the North. 
 
 " But, as before remarked, the act of 1833 is unconstitutional, 
 and I will now boldly proceed to establish this fact to you, the 
 people." [Cries of "Now we'll have it. Now he will come 
 down on 'um, for he knows it all, when the Constitution is men- 
 tioned." Others said that they had traveled over a hundred miles 
 to hear him on the Constitution of his country. So they all quit 
 their little conversations and drew near to hear him.] He contin- 
 ued : "Yes, my fellow-citizens, there is no man living who 
 knows as much about this great instrument of rights as I do. 
 But as time is running I must proceed. You will find that 
 Section i of Article vii. of the Cojistitntion of this State starts 
 out as follows : 'The General Assembly shall have no power 
 to pass laws for the emancipation of slaves without the consent 
 of their owners, or without paying their owners previous to 
 such emancipation a full equivalent in money for the slaves so 
 emancipated. They shall have no power to prevent emigrants 
 into this State from bringing with them such persons as are 
 deemed slaves by the laws of any one of the United States, so 
 long as any person of the same age and description shall be 
 continued in slavery by the laws of this State. ' 
 
 "Here is the thing. [Cries of ' I knew he'd git 'um.'] Yes, 
 here it is — the plain letter of your own Constitution, showing 
 that there shall be no laws passed by the Legislature of your 
 State prohibiting emigrants from bringing their slaves here. 
 This fully settles the whole question, and shows as plain as the 
 nose on Wiley Trimble's face (which was as large and prominent 
 and somewhat resembled a picked partridge). Yes, fully as 
 plain, and the Legislature that passed such a law are worse than 
 thieves and robbers, for they have not only robbed you of the 
 right to bring your own slaves into the State, but have made it 
 almost — I might say altogether — criminal to do so ; because 
 you are subject to an indictment and fine of six hundred dol- 
 lars." 
 
88 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 At this point Loudun arose and asked the Major to allow 
 him to ask a question ? The Major refused. He then asked that 
 he be permitted to explain? The Major refused. He then 
 asked to make a statement, to which the Major assented. "My 
 friends," said Loudun, "the Major is mistaken in his conclu- 
 sions. The law of 1833 expressly excepts emigrants, and, be- 
 sides, the same section of the Constitution he has read declares, 
 in so many words, that the Legislature shall have full power to 
 prevent the importation of slaves into this Commonwealth for 
 merchandise. Major, will you be so kind as to read the whole 
 section ?" 
 
 At this interruption the Major, as usual, became indignant. 
 "It is passing strange," said he, "that I am to be thus inter- 
 rupted all day ; I reckon I know what I am doing and what I 
 am reading. [Yells of 'that's so; go it boots.'] That, indeed, 
 will I, and run him out of his boots and hide, too, before I am 
 done with him. I will pay no attention to any such clamor. If 
 the gentleman wants to read, let him read himself. But he 
 says that emigrants to this State are excepted in the Constitu- 
 tion. That's so; who said they were not? But what are we 
 to understand by the term emigrants? 
 
 "Let me turn to the law of 1833 again. What is its lan- 
 guage ? ' That each and every person or persons who shall hereaf- 
 ter import,' etc. Now, does not this plain language include emi- 
 grants diS well as all others, and don't it include all others as well 
 as emigrants ? How can a man with brains enough to set a hen 
 on level ground, misunderstand this law? Who is my com- 
 petitor? Who is he, or any other man, to question or contend 
 with me about great constitutional principles? To contend 
 with me, the cock-a-lo-rum of the wind and the cock-a-lamis of 
 the earth ? He, I say, zvho is he, that was never elected to a 
 legislative position in his life ? I repeat, who is he ? [Cries of 
 ' Yes, who is he, so say we all ?'] But I will go on [turning to 
 Loudun]. I will learn you something good before I am done 
 with you — yes, I will make you ashamed of yourself to come 
 in combination with me ; I will make you as limber as a starch- 
 less rag. 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 89 
 
 " I will now, fellow-citizens, call your attention to the second 
 SCC/W71 of the seventh article of the same Constitution, as follows: 
 
 " ' In the prosecution of slaves for felony, no inquest by a 
 grand jury shall be necessary, but the proceedings on such 
 prosecutions shall be regulated by law — except that the 
 General Assembly shall have no power to deprive them of the 
 privilege of an impartial trial by a petit jury.' [Cries of 'That's 
 a clincher!' 'That settles the question!'] Yes, and I am able 
 to settle all such questions and all such men. 
 
 "I will next call your attention to the tejitJi article, which 
 says : ' That the general, great, and essential principles of lib. 
 erty and free government may be recognized as established, we 
 declare,' etc. My God ! listen here. Freedom and free govern- 
 ment and the essential principles of these things are mentioned.' 
 But who can be free if property, and especially slave property, 
 is to be bound up ? if men are to be indicted merely for bring- 
 ing such property into the State? This is freedom with a double 
 and twisted vengeance, ain't it? [bowing to the earth] heigh ?" 
 
 Here old John Brown and others declared that they were glad 
 they were there; that they "had like not to have come," but 
 that day would never be forgotten by them. 
 
 The Major continued : "But I will now turn your attention 
 to the first section of article t^nth, which reads as follows : ' That 
 all free men, when they form a social compact, are equal, and 
 no man, or set of men, are entitled to exclusive, separate pub- 
 lic emoluments or privileges from the community, but in con- 
 sideration of public services.' My God !" ejaculated the Major, 
 ' ' hear this language — that all free men ! What is meant hy free 
 men? Is a man free who is debarred from bringing his own 
 property into this or any other free country? Or is this any 
 more to be considered a free country?" 
 
 Old John Jones, Tom Spratt, and several others from Jessa- 
 mine, Madison, and Rockcastle, who had come a long distance 
 to hear the Major, declared that they were "glad, they were 
 born to die ; " that they were then " filled with all manner of 
 joy and good feelings," and were ready to go out of the world 
 while they were in that fix. 
 
90 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 The Major proceeded : " Well, my fellow-citizens, I will make 
 one more citation from the Constitution of your State, and then 
 I have done. The first section of the eighth article reads as 
 follows : 
 
 " 'The seat of government shall continue in the town of 
 Frankfort until it shall be removed by law; provided, however, 
 that two-thirds of all the members elected to each House of the 
 General Assembly shall concur in the passage of such law.' 
 
 "Now, my fellow-citizens, if the seat of government at 
 Frankfort — a place sunk deep down in the earth ; a place sur- 
 rounded by rivers and mountains ; a place that is hid from the 
 blaze of the sun; a place mainly inhabited by owls and bats; a 
 place beset by all manner of two and four-footed beasts and 
 crawling and creeping things ; a place that has well been called 
 the ' Devil's Sink-hole ' — has to be thus guarded by the Consti- 
 tution of your country, how is it possible to overturn, upturn, 
 and shamefully doivn-dagger dXS. the slave property of your coun- 
 try." [Cries of "Hurrah, my hurt!" "Put the dubbin to 
 'um."] Here Reese Coats and Hon. Peter Shiner fell dead, as 
 it were, to think of the unspeakable blessings that had been be- 
 stowed upon them by hearing the Major on that august occa- 
 sion. 
 
 The Major resumed : "Yes, my fellow-citizens, my enemies 
 have told the blackest and the basest lies on me all over this 
 district. They have even told that when I was a candidate and 
 elected last year I swindled my old friend and fellow-citizen, 
 'Squire Schooler, who was. an opposing candidate, out of twenty 
 dollars ; and a worse, a more naked, shameful, and barefaced 
 lie never was told, or even invented, by mortal man. I am glad 
 to see my old friend Schooler here to-day — am prepared to say 
 to you that he is as honest a man as ever lived, or as ever broke 
 the bread of life. There he is before you ; and I now call upon 
 him to come to my rescue and save me from this most damna- 
 ble lie. Arise, 'Squire Schooler, and tell this large and intelli- 
 gent audience whether I am guilty or not of this accusation." 
 I The 'Squire was lying down in the bluegrass just in front of 
 the Major, picking the ground with an old "hawk-bill" knife, 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 9 1 
 
 and seemed unwilling to speak. At this moment one Doctor 
 Pinkston (brother of Wyaty), a great friend of the Major, and 
 a man of much circumspection and great perspicuity of lan- 
 guage, as well as of uncommon precision, neat and tidy in his 
 dress, and withal a clever man, who was then leaning on his 
 ratan cane, as he perched himself side by side with the Major 
 on the log, gently tapped the Major on the shoulder and re" 
 quested him in a low tone to "desist a moment," which he did, 
 when the Doctor remarked: "'Squire Schooler, my good and 
 much-esteemed friend, I am aware that the Major has suffered 
 considerably by the circulation of this most foul slander. It has 
 already much injured him, and I candidly say to you it is due 
 him and his numerous friends that you speak at once and acquit 
 him of this damaging report, and this I feel you will do. I 
 have been intimately acquainted with you from the earliest days 
 of my recollection, and during all that time have known you to 
 be a most truthful and exemplary man, and your statement of 
 the villainous falsehood would nail it down in all coming time 
 upon its maker and concoctor. " 
 
 After this neat and well-timed speech of Doctor Pinkston, 
 the Major, in a very graceful and earnest manner, said : 
 
 "I thank you, Doctor, I thank you for what you have said 
 and done for me on this great occasion. As God is my judge, 
 there is not a single word of truth in the scandalous report, for 
 I never had dealings to the amount of a dollar with the 'Squire 
 in my life. As to swindling him, I never done such a thing in 
 all my born days. Did I, 'Squire Schooler? Arise, and speak 
 so loud and distinctly that all the earth may hear you. Arise, 
 I say, and speak. You must, in fact you sJiall do so, for not 
 only my character (which is dear to me as my life), but my elec- 
 tion (which is far dearer than my life) is at stake. Nor is this 
 all ; but, as Doctor Pinkston has well said, to a great extent the 
 personal character of all my numerous friends throughout this 
 vast district is dependent on what you say concerning the mat- 
 ter. So delay not a moment, but arise immediately and speak 
 in order that the whole truth may be heard." 
 
 Being thus annoyed and insisted upon, the 'Squire begun to 
 
92 GRAXNV SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 rise slowly from the ground, with his little hawk-bill knife in 
 hand, and when about half straightened, looking earnestly into 
 the Major's face (which was then covered with perspiration), re- 
 marked: "Well, if I must speak, I must and will say you ac- 
 tually done it." "Done what?" said the Major. "Why, 
 sir," retorted the Squire, "In plain terms you did swindle me 
 out of the twenty dollars, and you not only did that, but you 
 told at least one hundred lies to me besides ; and you have run 
 all over this county from that day to this, and made your brags 
 about what a smart thing you had done. Besides all this — " 
 The Major could stand it no longer — in a perfect burst of manly 
 indignation, he raved out: "Great God! what is the country 
 coming to ? Am I constantly to be interrupted ? I say, 
 Squire Schooler, set down and let me alone when I am discuss- 
 ing the great constitutional principles of my country ! I ask 
 this most intelligent generation of vipers, how often I have 
 been interrupted here to-day, and how many foolish and im- 
 pertinent questions have been asked?" 
 
 At this juncture, a man by the name of Montgomery, a great 
 friend of the Major, sprung to his feet, clinched the Squire, 
 run him back a few steps, and told him that he was an old man, 
 one that he had always liked, and that he must and should not 
 stop the Major when he was discussing the great constitutional 
 principles of the country. The Squire asked Montgomery to 
 let him loose, and several of the Underfoot men, who were 
 friends of Schooler, jumped at Montgomery, and told him to 
 let the Squire loose quick, which he did, stating at the time 
 that he liked the Squire, and was a friend to him as much so as 
 any man in the crowd, but did not want so much noise while 
 the Major was speaking — and so that matter was ended, but 
 caused a considerable commotion. As soon as the multitude 
 quieted, the Major continued : 
 
 " Yes, I have been interrupted in everything I have said or 
 attempted to say to you this day, and I am more than thankful 
 to know and see that you, the people, are now determined to 
 put a stop to it. I thank my God that I am this day a free 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 93 
 
 man, and that we are all free men, free by the great and 
 almighty Declaration of Independence, that in so many blessed 
 words declares that we are the wisest, the freest, and best people 
 in the world — and who does not feel to thank God for all such 
 glorious blessings ? What made all these things ? What was 
 the cause of them ? The answer is, the Heavenly American 
 Arms. For whar was there sicJi a man as Washington ? No 
 wharf 
 
 At this time a few of Squire Schooler's friends begged him 
 to ^o home, because they said he was an old man, and did not 
 want to see fighting, which they knew would soon take place, 
 and besides there might be some one killed as that was a '' bil- 
 ious'' crowd. 
 
 The Squire agreed to leave, and accordingly walked out, be- 
 strode his old bald-faced mare, and quietly moved away down 
 the creek, in the direction of where Pinkston's Watch had gone 
 with so much speed but a short time before. Now the secret 
 of sending the Squire off was that the Underfoot men knowing 
 him to be remarkable for his truth and firmness, when aroused, 
 became a little fearful lest he would again attack Underfoot 
 about the twenty dollar swindle. The Major continued : 
 
 "My fellow-citizens, I say we are all free, yes, as free as air, 
 and I am glad of it, for heaven loves all freemen ; but bond- 
 men even God himself hates, and I hate, and you hate, and 
 they hate themselves. I am, as you know, for the great body 
 and the great mass of the people. But I am opposed by all 
 the aristocracies in the country, because I am for you, the people. 
 All the constables, coroners, magistrates, sheriffs, and all their 
 deputies, the judges, and the lawyers, and all their clients, and 
 everbody related or in any way acquainted with the men I have 
 mentioned, principalities and powers, and men that set in high 
 places, and the devil and all his angels are combined against 
 me, as you know. But who cares for them? I am able to 
 stand before them and a thousand times as many. Yes, my 
 fellow-citizens, when I am riding over the country and see so 
 many of you, the great body and mass of the people, bending 
 
94 GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 
 
 over your scythe blades, sweating and cradling in your harvest 
 fields in this awfully hot weather, for this is by fair the hottest 
 summer I ever felt — when I see all these terrible things, I think 
 to myself, Great God ! can you, the people, pay judges such 
 salaries, and that, too, when they are so worthless and trifling, 
 when their decisions are filled with so much corruption and 
 ignorance, trash and rubbish, when they are sapping the very 
 foundation of the laws and constitution of the country day by 
 day, until the whole State will not be able to buy a dog's 
 breakfast. The time was when we had honest, good, and ca- 
 pable judges in the circuit courts and the Court of Appeals, 
 but that time is past, and the devil seems to be in them now ; 
 and mark what I tell you, it will continue to get worse and 
 worse all the time, until you, the people, take your stand against 
 them, and hurl them out of their high places, and run them 
 out of the country. The lawyers will then take the places of 
 the judges, because, if you properly understand, nobody un- 
 der this miserable constitution of ours but lawyers can be 
 judges. You will, therefore, have to arise in the great strength 
 of your powerful majesty, and make judges out of the good old 
 common farmers, the bone and sinew of your country. Then, 
 and never until then, will we have any peace of our lives, 
 or safety in our land." 
 
 Here a man asked: " How can one ignorant of the rules of 
 mechanism make a watch?" The Major again complained 
 bitterly of being interrupted. "Yes, there it is again," said 
 he; "there is some one else about to take the judges part. 
 What will a few fools of this land of the living come to. But 
 there is always some one ready to fly into everybody's face. 
 However, you, the people, that have to do all the work and pay 
 all the tax, I suppose are tired of waiting on all the great men 
 in the country who are too lazy to labor. I am for the working 
 men of the country — the honest men — to fill all the offices — 
 governors, judges, and all the rest." "That is good; I am 
 glad to hear you say so," said several old farmers hard by. 
 A man in the crowd, a lawyer, remarked: "You had better 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 95 
 
 make another pass at Squire Schooler, if you are such an hon- 
 est man." 
 
 Here the Major, becoming more exasperated than ever, 
 belched out : " Who is that in this crowd making such low- 
 flung remarks? Who is that meddling with my business?" 
 [Here voices were heard, ' ' Rise, my Schooler ! " " Hurrah, my 
 Squire! " " Well done for the Black Ram l " " Come it again, 
 my Watch Pinkston ! "] " Yes, you scoundrels ; what do you all 
 mean? If I had my way with you death would be your por- 
 tion. I would tear out your eyes ; I would cut your woozens ; 
 I w^ould down-dagger; I would kill and eat you blood raw." 
 [Here he was asked, " How do you like the Black Ram ? "] 
 
 The Major sprung up and down on the log like a puppet in 
 a side show, and his eyes turned red and green. He then 
 stood for a season, and exclaimed : 
 
 "I'm not ashamed to own my Lord, 
 Nor to defend his cause. 
 Whoop-a-jire, whop-a-jire, pi-jire, 
 Underfoot, Specklefoot, trip and begone 
 Hoozen, John Hoozen. 
 
 ' ' Now, I reckon you are satisfied, and will quit axing ques- 
 tions! " [Cries of " Hurrah, my Major, you'e a beaver," and 
 "Lay them out to cool, my alligator. We know you can do 
 it, for the devil was never half a match for you."] "No, 
 indeed, he never was a bit, if any, over a half a match for me. 
 I am able to cope with the demons of the lower regions if I was 
 to do my best — that is if I was to spread myself." 
 
 After giving vent to this most elegant sentiment, the Major 
 made a powerful lunge, and the bark on the log slipping from 
 under him, down he came with great force near unto Bluster's 
 bitch, which was fastened to the root of the tree, as we have 
 before said. Whereupon she made a pass at him, and missing 
 her mark, snapped so loud that she could have been heard to a 
 great distance. This aroused Bluster, who immediately sprung 
 to his feet, and yelled out at the top of his voice : 
 
 " Take in your leg, or the bitch will not only sweep it, but 
 eat you spang up." 
 
96 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 Bluster then went on to proclaim in a loud voice, that he 
 had told everybody that day to let that bitch alone, and not 
 to trouble or go about her, and if they did, and she bit them, 
 which she was sure to do, he did not care, and besides she 
 should not be hurt. 
 
 Here, the same man that had laid hands on Squire Schooler, 
 seized Bluster, nabbing him by the thrcmt, and choking him 
 until he was blue in the face, then let him go, and when he 
 had recovered his wind, asked him if he was not for Underfoot. 
 Said he, " Don't you go in on Underfoot, you miserable old 
 fool? I say, don't you go in on Underfoot?" "Go in on 
 hell. Don't I. go in on my bitch," said Bluster, "and, if any 
 body hurts her, I will spill my heart's blood on him." 
 
 These last remarks were made by Bluster in rather a whining 
 tone, while he stood with his feet wide apart, his breeches 
 rolled up to the utmost extent, the sun blazing on his bald pate, 
 his naked legs shining until they reflected like a mirror, wdiile 
 his red eyes were filled with tears on account of the precarious 
 situation of his bitch. 
 
 Several men now run in and snatched the old man, and bade 
 him hold his peace, with threats to ' ' warm him and kill his 
 bitch," if he did not. Besides, they told him if nothing else 
 would do, he "must and should dust" (leave), "because the 
 Major had been too much annoyed already." 
 
 To these threats Bluster replied, "I don't care if the Major 
 never makes another speech, or draws another breath, or if he 
 never mounts another log, the bitch shall not be interrupted. 
 It was not the bitch's fault that the Major fell off the log, but 
 his own fault, and I wish he had broke his neck when he did 
 fall ; for it has all the time been plain to my mind that the 
 Major has been sassing the bitch, and shaking his fist as though 
 he intended to strike her, and grinning at her in a way to insult 
 any decent bitch, and if she had not been tied she would have 
 taken him in long ago. As to my 'dusting,' there is no man 
 or set of men that can make me do that, and I dare them to 
 undertake it." 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 97 
 
 At this important crisis, Hon. Peter Shiner came near, and 
 made signs to the bullies and fighting men to take Bluster. All 
 was now confusion, some yelling to the Major to go on, while 
 Shiner and others were contending with Bluster, some for the 
 rights of Underfoot, and others for the rights of the bitch, 
 M'ith nearly equal numbers on each side. So it was hard to tell 
 how the dispute would end. 
 
 One of the Bluster boys seeing that the bullies, encouraged 
 on by Shiner, were about to close in on the old man, slipped 
 stealthily along, untied the bitch, and bade her take her own 
 part. No sooner said than done, for she seemed to know pre- 
 cisely who was to blame, and passing by all others, immedi- 
 ately sprang upon Shiner, who was then engaged in conversation 
 with some of Loudun's men, endeavoring to make them be- 
 lieve he was for peace, and had done nothing to stir the strife 
 which was about to culminate on the sleek pate of Bluster, for 
 this Shiner was an oily-tongued man, and of polite and smooth 
 manners. 
 
 Although he could deceive men, he could in nowise deceive or 
 mislead the sagacious bitch, which never stopped to look in face 
 or count noses, but moved upon Shiner without the least delay, 
 making a heavy lunge at his throat, but missing her aim, gathered 
 him by the shirt bosom, and stripped it mostly from his back, and 
 as he turned to make his escape, she grabbed him by the seat 
 of the breeches and swept them in good order. 
 
 At this time, the two Bluster boys, aided by several men, 
 came to Shiner's relief, and took off the animal, 'because they 
 thought she was on the wrong man. But, several months af- 
 terward, finding that the bitch was right, and they were wrong, 
 lamented to the day of their death what they had done. 
 
 This man Shiner is yet living, and is now as bald-headed as 
 Bluster was then, and is the owner and proprietor of a bench- 
 legged bitch, which follows him about every day, with tail 
 turned over back, like a big wheel rim, and dew-claws dragging 
 the earth. 
 
 7 
 
98 GRANNY short's BARBECUE. 
 
 Though as bald, he is not near so able a man as Bluster, 
 neither is he as fierce, because Bluster was a fighting man on 
 every piece of ground, and he and his bitch took the party that 
 day, coming off more than conquerors. 
 
 On account of the disturbances just enumerated, a finish was 
 made of Underfoot's speech. For when the bitch was turned 
 loose and made a pass at Shiner's throat, the whole crowd became 
 wild with excitement, some running one and some another way, 
 and even the Major, the gallant Major, made his escape into the 
 bushes, where he remained until the clamor was over and peace 
 restored, when he came out and said his friends forced him into 
 the bushes to prevent his "committing suicide on the bitch." 
 With this remark he again disappeared into the bushes, and re- 
 mained until peace was sufficiently restored. 
 
 The people now began to gather in little knots, in order to 
 take steps and make arrangements for the election, which was 
 to commence on the Monday following, that being Saturday. 
 
 Many of the crowd were in an awkward condition — some of 
 them were sleeping soundly in the jimston weeds and dog- 
 fennel — some in the shade and some in the sun. Others were 
 in fine spirits, and scampering about like goats — all from the 
 effects of the tangle-foot which they had imbibed from the 
 tubs, pails, churns, buckets, &c., on that day. 
 
 It was intended for Loudun to have made a few remarks in 
 explanation of his position about things generally and the law 
 of 1833 in particular; but owing to the universal excitement at 
 the close of Underfoot's speech, there was no chance to at- 
 tract the attention of the audience. 
 
 Besides, the time had then come when corfversations of a 
 private and scemijigly confidential character were best anyhow ; 
 and, moreover, it was expected that candidates should go about 
 in the crowd and tell "big yarns," as they were called, and laugh 
 immoderately at their own stories. And it was also expected 
 that others, such men as Shiner, Pinkston, Sayers, and Coats 
 should anxiously enquire concerning the health of mens' families 
 and express regrets, saying, "ah, indeed," when they were 
 informed anyone was unwell, and remarking, "I am glad to 
 
GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. 99 
 
 hear you say so," when they were informed that the health of 
 those after whom they were enquiring was good. 
 
 And, again, it was expected on such occasions that the can- 
 didates and their privy council should arm men, and step aside 
 with them, and ask them what they thought of the prospects 
 of the candidates. These questions were asked in a cautious 
 and confidential whisper, in order to make the impression upon 
 the individual with whom they were conversing, that no other 
 human knew, or was ever intended to know or hear, what they 
 were talking about. This was done with a single man at a time, 
 and the most profound secresy enjoined on him, in order that 
 he might consider himself highly complimented to be con- 
 sulted about such profound things. 
 
 When this conversation was ended, and the man who had 
 been armed out and stuffed until his hide was about split with self- 
 importance, they would walk back to the drinking establish- 
 ment the stuffed man, with his eyes almost popping out of his 
 head, while his mouth was stretched from ear to ear with ex- 
 ultation. 
 
 Under this state of feelings, he would stand with his legs, 
 whether long or short, far apart, so as to cover a vast amount 
 of territory — look wise and fierce — bet or ofier to bet on the 
 election, and do many other wonderful things, and thus render 
 himself shamefully ridiculous in the sight of sensible and re- 
 spectable men. 
 
 This game was played alternately by the candidates and their 
 privy council upon every man on the ground who could be thus 
 tampered with (and they were not a few), until all such under- 
 strappers were seasoned up, and made the greatest fools in the 
 world, and they have continued in that condition, without the 
 least hope of redemption, from that day to this. 
 
 The fiddling and dancing was now resumed, and continued 
 through the remainder of that day, all that night, and the next 
 day, and the following night until broad daylight on the Mon- 
 day morning, when the men were obliged to disperse in order 
 to attend the election, and this, of course, carried the women 
 away. 
 
lOO GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 There are some of the marks of that day's work visible to 
 this time. 
 
 At the close of the contest Loudun was ahead of the Major 
 about two hundred votes in the whole district, and there never 
 has been such a race from that time to this, and perhaps may 
 never be again. 
 
 As so much has been written concerning Loudun and Under- 
 foot, it seems proper to give a brief biographical sketch of each 
 of the two distinguished men. I do this in order to give the 
 reader a better idea of their fame and deeds among their fellow- 
 men during the period in which both were conspicuous actors. 
 
 I shall first write of Loudun, who was, I believe, a native of 
 Lincoln County, Kentucky. His father was a prosperous farm- 
 er, and the son of one of the most celebrated Baptist preach- 
 ers of his time. He was eminent for piety and eloquence alike, 
 and his powers of reasoning were very great. He was also in 
 the conventions that framed the second Constitution of this 
 State, and ranked with the most eminent of that body in de- 
 bate and usefulness. Nor has his distinguished grandson, Lou- 
 dun, detracted from the grandsire in good, sound judgment 
 and practical sense, morality and integrity, as has been shown 
 in his private and public walk in life for half a century. Pre- 
 vious to the great contest mentioned, he had filled several offices 
 of trust with ability and fidelity. Although not a fluent speaker, 
 he is a man of superior common sense, and in a pointed and 
 forcible manner discussed the public issues of the day with de- 
 cided ability. He was always modest and unassuming, and at 
 all times at the post of duty, ready, able, and willing to dis- 
 charge his trust fairly and honestly. He has filled with marked 
 ability during the past quarter of a century some of the most 
 important offices in the gift of the people of his native county. 
 
 He has long since retired from public life, full of honor, and 
 now sits down beneath his own roof-tree to enjoy the fame he 
 has honestly won by a life well and soberly spent, esteemed by 
 all who know him now at a ripe old age, and those who arc left 
 of the many who knew him in the summer of his life. He is 
 
GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. lOI 
 
 one of the old-time honest poHticians whose example all should 
 emulate, and whose present and past conduct should serve as a 
 beacon-light to the politicians and law-makers of the present 
 day. Long may he yet live to point the true way to glory and 
 fame to the young and rising generation of poHticians. 
 
 As to Underfoot, it may well be said that he was a wonder- 
 ful man — raw-boned, tall, and powerfully built, with large feet 
 and hands like unto those of the Patagonians ; broad shouldered 
 and full breasted, long face, pie-bald skin, high cheek bones, 
 and a large, long nose, keen blue eyes that sparkled when he 
 was excited, heavy eye-brows, an enormously high forehead, 
 bald head, and somewhat "knock-kneed," held himself erect, 
 and his voice was like unto that of a Numidian lion;- he had 
 but little education, yet his mind was vigorous. He understood 
 his rights and those of his country, nor was he ever afraid to 
 sustain them by word or deed. 
 
 This distinguished man came to Kentucky at an early day in 
 her history, without money and a stranger to all ; yet, by un- 
 tiring energy and indomitable perseverance, soon enlisted the 
 sympathy and friendship of many of the best men in the county 
 of his adoption. He was elevated to several offices of trust 
 and profit, and ultimately chosen a member of the State Legis- 
 lature, in which body he soon distinguished himself as the 
 heroic champion of the rights of the people. He was the first 
 and only man in the State that carried the Journals of the House 
 of Representatives about with him to explain how he voted. 
 
 His conduct in this respect was worthy of emulation ; in- 
 deed, it met with the cordial approbation of a large number of 
 the best men in the country. He very properly held that all 
 the officers in the State were merely the servants of the people, 
 to whom each servant should render an account of his steward- 
 ship, contending earnestly that the prosperity and well being of 
 a State depended upon the proper discharge of the official 
 duties of each officer or servant ; and that if this rule should 
 ever be reversed so as to make the people the servants of their 
 
I02 GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE. 
 
 officers, it would be the starting point of despotism and event- 
 ually overthrow the Commonwealth. All things considered, 
 Underfoot was one of the best Representatives Kentucky ever 
 had. He now sleeps with his fathers. He is at rest. 
 
 It has been said that other barbecues of a similar character 
 were customary in the State of Kentucky before and at the 
 time of the celebrated affair alluded to. In fact, the "Short 
 Barbecue" (as it was called) is and was a mere index to the same 
 sort of proceedings, which had, to a greater or less extent, 
 been carried on in all parts of the State ; and the universal po- 
 litical excitement which had been engendered throughout the 
 Commonwealth by such gatherings before and since the year 
 1840 was, in some places, far ahead of the excitement in the 
 senatorial district named. 
 
 In the county of Fayette, in the great race between C. M. 
 Clay and R. Wickliffe, Jr., and in the county of Madison, in 
 the contest between White and Chenault, the excitement and 
 political, or rd^ther personal stvwggle. between the candidates, were 
 greatly ahead of the Short affair ; but, as remarked, these exer- 
 tions, for place and power, and the means for obtaining the 
 same at barbecues and other places, were common all over the 
 State ; nor have they ceased to this day. These zvholesojne cus- 
 toms, so long and incessantly continued, were not without their 
 fniits and reivards, for everything goes to show the oft-repeated 
 declaration, that wc Kentuckians were before, and at that 
 time, and ever since have been a most wonderful as well as 
 remarkably pious and prosperous people, and that we have 
 brought about through and by our wise legislation the most 
 moral di.?, well as Christian state of things that ever existed under 
 the sun, for out of these countless customs and practices have 
 sprung the General Statutes and Codes of Practice of this Com- 
 monwealth, with all their unspeakable blessings. 
 
 Truly may it be said, that we have a progressive age, and 
 that old things have passed away, and all things have become 
 new, and not only 7iezv, but exceedingly profitable ; so now we 
 may repeat what we have so often boasted of before, that we 
 
GRANNY short's BARBECUE. IO3 
 
 are the best, as well as the wisest, and most vioj'al and sober 
 people in the world ; and that the immense benefits, as well as 
 the profound iviselom and justiee of these laws be the better un- 
 derstood, I will here refer the reader to a book which I will 
 publish in a short time, in which the most important parts of the 
 General Statutes and a few things in the New Code of Practice 
 will be mentioned, to which I direct especial attention, and 
 which wall constitute the second volume of this work. 
 
 R. M. B. 
 
LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 
 
 014 613 844 5