iPIGRAMS A n D 1 u ll mOm ETTES MPSON .JOHNSON Class. Book fl2A?EG GoppghtH?. 4 COPYRIGHT DEPOSm EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES (INCLUDING HAMMIE SMOOGLES) BY JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON CAPTIVATING : AMUSING : INSTRUCTIVE (ILLUSTRATIONS BY LEWIS C. GREGG) COPIES OF THIS BOOK MAY BE OBTAINED BY ADDRESSING THE AUTHOR, JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON, ATLANTA, GEORGIA Byrd Printing Company, Atlanta 1917 COPYRIGHT 1917 By JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON ALL RIGHTS RESERVED UEC 29 !9I7 ©CLA479745 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES PREFACE T is with great pleasure that I present this volume to the reading public, and I trust that the contents may be found both pleas- ing and instructive. It was not my intention, when I began writing these pages, to put them into book form, but later concluded to do so. I hope that you may find '^Hammie Smoogles'^ an interesting and in- structive character, and that you may become well acquainted with him, I have had all his sayings ])ublished in a small paper-back book, under the title of ^^Hammie Smoogles." I trust that you may find the English Epigrams of considerable interest;, and, that the African Dialect may attract you, especially Uncle "Wash and Parson Jackson. In presenting these pages, it has been my main purpose to philosophize with you on Human Nature, but with what result, the reading public must determine. Very truly yours, JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON. EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES CONTENTS Page Preface 5 Meditation Poem 7 Bin-Sick Conscience '' 9 Wliat Then '' 10 Thurs Other Things '\ 12 Epigrams and Sermonettes 14 Plan of Salvation 39 Christian Science 42 Socrates 45 Sun Spots 50 Bankrupt Soul 53 Spoiled Child 55 Eoman to Eomans Oration 57 Criticism of Portinia 59 In the Beginning Poem 66 Temptation , '' 68 The Eugged Pathway ^' 69 Why December Was Like May ' ' 70 African Dialect 72 Uncle Wash Illustrated 80 Parson Jackson " 83 Life's Journey Poem 88 Estate of Man '' 89 Passing Tide " 91 The Fool Hath Said '' 92 Hammie Smoogles 96 EPIGBAMS AND SE RHONE TIES MEDITATION Come, fellow man, consider well thy ways, Rnn back o'er thy childhood, reckon well thy days; Say first, of all thy wanderings in years so swiftly sped, Hast thou gained or lost, art thou living or dead! Sum up thy whole career, and add the columns well. Count each day lost, if no progress thou canst tell ; Foot up the grand total, and make the figures plain. Now, would *st thou live it over, would 'st thou live it again? I saw thee make thy bold and brilliant start. Watched thy daily strife in whole and much in part ; Seemed at first as if thou wouldst run a keen race. But hast thou not truly stumbled, and slow now thy pace? Count thy whole life as lost if no good have done, Say naught for thyself on earth, thy course is run ; But if to thyself and Master thou hast been good and true, Thou canst not be false to any, a crown awaiteth you. EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES In all the lives of human kind, small things truly count, If thou art versed in these, fame 's ladder thou shalt mount ; But if for thyself alone have lived, no note of others take. Thy future life is dark indeed, doomed for the burning lake. EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES SIN-SICK CONSCIENCE OF THE SOUL Standing on the brink of Mercy, Listening to a sin-sick sonl, Peering through the veil of conscience, Bound by threads of sin's control; Catching now and then a whisper, Of things unsaid and never told. The secrets of the inner chamber. Secrets dark, and chill, and cold. Myself I took to serious thinking, Of many battles lost and won, Continued struggles of the wicked, From early eve 'til morning sun; How temptations round us gather, What great things we might have done. Had sin-sick conscience in her struggles, Never lost, but always won. Standing thus, and half-way doubting. Wondering what, if all were said. Might be the meaning of this conscience, If its destiny could be read; How a day is fast approaching, When mortal man shall hear his knoll, All mysteries then reveal their hiding, Through the sin-sick conscience of the soul. EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES WHAT THEN Suppose the feet conspire to rule the head, The hands to speak and hear what may be said ; The nose refuse to smell, the eyes to see, The state of man would then in revolution be. If earth refuse to circle around the sun, The planets in their orbits cease to run; The heavens then their glory now would lose. Chaos reign supreme planets as they choose. Suppose the sun, unruly, cease to shine. The stars to twinkle gleams of golden wine; The moon to show her beauty night by night, Swain and lass their love would cease to plight. If man alone could by his own free will. Command the wind, the mountain and the hill; In place of God he soon would strive to be, Contending here awhile, there on land and sea. Eemember man, consider whilst thou can, Who ruled alone before the birth of man; Who created, who brought forth the whole, Whom art thou, weakling, and from whence thy soul? 10 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES All 'twere better still tliou liadst ne'er been born, Than assume to rule with thy power shorn; The ages past could teach thy feeble head, And histor}^ prove to thee thy power dead. 11 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES THURS OTHER THINaS You ean talk to me of earthly things, and tell of even more, You can sing about your wealth and fame, your palaces galore; I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things quite inter- esting to see. The vessels out near yonder shore — they are good enough fur me. You can boast of all your wealth and pride, and things of that are kind. You can talk of how youVe traveled much, and what you've had in mind; I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things quite inter- esting to see. The spinning wheel on yonder porch — that's good enough fur me. You can tell me of your plantations, and the many men you employ. You can show me all your autos, too, and talk of all your joy; I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things important though these be, To clothe the naked and feed the poor — that's good enough fur me. 12 EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTBS You can write about your cit}^ gals, and talk about their clothes, You can boast of how good-looking they are, and how much like a rose; I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things — a country gal can be. As sweet and pretty as you need — she's good enough fur me. You can talk about your trips abroad, and about your city ways. You can tell of how you've fished on board big ships while out in bays; I'll tell you, pard, thurs other things— ef you could only see, In the cotton fields of Dixie, pard — that's good enough fur me. EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES EPiaEAMS AND SEBMONETTES A dead robber is less dangerous than a living liar. An lionest man, alone, can not be among thieves and robbers. Better live in a cottage and own your home, than reside in a mansion with pillars and shingles mort- gaged. A man may be a millionaire and own no property or money, another may be a pauper and own thou- sands of acres. A drunken man may often be called a fool, but he was a bigger fool before he took the drink. Better be a pauper whose word is his bond, than the idle rich man who expects always to be robbed of his possessions. He who burneth the candle at both ends while young, the same is he who useth a crutch in later vears. 14 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Honesty and virtue are two attributes whicli will never go up in smoke, and may always be carried in safety without insurance. The most valuable thought which ever circulates within the domain of the human mind, is that of our individual responsibility to our Maker. One of the very best signs that a man is religious is his meekness, for he who is not meek can not be devoted to anything except himself. A long tongue and a hollow head make a very ugly and dangerous combination. The bray of a donkey may be heard a great dis- tance, but the mule himself is a trifling creature. It is bad enough to stab your fellow man with a dirk, but worse to stab him with your lying tongue. A woman is the weaker vessel and a villain may degrade her, but a real man will always protect her. It is noble to desire and to be a friend to others, ignoble to wish others to slave for you. 15 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES We are always ready to condone and defend the errors we commit, but more ready to denounce and arraign others for committing the same errors. The young man who has not been buffeted by the storms of life, knows not the stones in the roadway, and thinks he has the world by the tail. The old man who has butted up against the real- ities of life, knows full well that the world has no tail. A wise man burns the candle of life at one end, a fool at both ends. Sincerity is but a shallow farce, unless backed by the honest purpose of a true heart. A strutting gobbler is a reminder of him who is puffed up mth an over-abundance of false pride. A moral woman cannot be plunged into vice with- out first mentally agreeing to do so. If a cow has the hollow-horn we bore for the trouble ; if a woman has a hollow head there is no remedy whatever. 16 BPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES The man who dresses loud, and wears big dia- monds, may have a sly eye out for the other fellow's girl. If you wish the world to be your friends, give them something, and if you wish to retain their friendship, continue to give. The old man will labor, economize and sacrifice for thirty years, to leave an estate to his dear son Willie. When he dies, Willie spends all in one year, and during the next year is imprisoned for holding up a train. We wish no one to charge us falsely concerning the rectitude of our intentions; and, we should be more than careful about charging others concern- ing the rectitude of their intentions, lest we charge falsely. False vanity may cause a man to ride in autos, even though his home be mortgaged, but a sensible man under such circumstances will be found walk- ing. It is all right for my husband to get drunk, cheat and steal, but it is the limit for my neighbor's hus- band to do the same thing. 17 EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES Charge no man ill for writing good things, be- lieving he may not live up to the character of his writings, for few men have ever lived who did not write better than they lived. But who can say that because a man writes good things, he may not be living up to the character of his writings. A rich man may go without much clothing, but the poor must dress-up to be recognized. Many a man is intoxicated who never saw, or tasted any strong drink. The world in the nineteenth century is intoxi- cated and beastly drunk, on vanity and fast living. Better be a servant in a cottage than a vain and foolish king on a throne. The rich may sometimes be happy, the poor much more so, for just cause. We would that others would do unto us, but we fail to see the necessity of doing unto others. The sooner mankind learn that friendship is only skin-deep, the sooner they will begin to under- stand one another better. 18 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONBTTES We are ready to slay the other fellow when he says anything derogatory about our wife, or daugh- ter; but how easy it is to say something damaging about the other fellow^s wife or daughter. How easy and simple it is to tear down, criticise and denounce the character of another; but how indignant and wrought up are we, when another de- fames our character. When we make a profitable trade for ourselves, we are prone to feel and think that the Lord is with us; but we fail to see that the Lord is under any obligation to protect the other fellow. The majority of the world are interested in footlights, and may be called stand-patters. The minority are absorbed in headlights, and may be called progressives, Edison being their leader. Some people can wail and tear their hair over the death of a companion today, and in less than six months be tied to another with seemingly equal devotion. Each individual wants the other fellow to obey the law, but for him and his family, he sees no ne- cessity for law. 19 EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTES Friendship with many is a hollow mockery, but the friendship of two true hearts is more precious than much gold. If you love yourself and worship the same indi- vidual, it will be impossible to ''Love your neigh- bor as yourself.'' If, knowing your weakness, you despise your sins, it is quite easy to "Love your neighbor as your- self.'' "Big I and little you" are true signs of an over- abundance of selfishness, one of the most despisa- ble of sins. He who rides blusteringly past his neighbor in an automobile, with a mortgaged home, is not only a conceited donkey, but is void of good common sense. One of the best things a parent can do for a child is to teach him to be self-sustaining ; and one of the worst things is to leave the young fellow a large estate. 20 EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES You would be better oif as a dog-catcher in the courts of the humble, than a vain and egotistical donkey in the society of the rich. If to muddy the fountain likewise muddies the stream, what may the children of wicked parents be called, if not mud-cats. Day before yesterday a young man was pursu- ing the even tenor of his way; yesterday, through mistake, he was appointed to a responsible position over others ; his head swelled over night, and to-day, when his mother called, he did not know her. The noblest impulses of the human heart are aroused when good things come our way; and the most ignoble impulses of the human gizzard are aroused when good things go the other way. Many people are waiting and watching for some one to come forth and supply all temporal wants ; but forget that the other fellow is expecting the very same thing. It is all right for my boy to swear a little some- times, for he just can't help it; but if Jimmie Smith were my boy, I would beat him half to death for swearing — ^it is awful. 21 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES The good book says: *'The fear of tlie Lord is the beginning of wisdom, ' ' therefore a learned man may be an obstinate fool. If the squirrel expects to be safe from the hunts- man, he must not bark nor shake his tail, but be quiet and lie close to the limb. If in making a good and profitable trade, we cheat the other fellow, and the Lord is on our side. He is certainly a respecter of persons. The sooner mankind learn that the Lord has noth- ing to do with their temporal affairs, such as cheat- ing and swindling their neighbor; the sooner they will learn that in such cases they are in league with Satan and all his angels. If the Lord being all powerful is on the Kaiser's side, the Allies are to be greatly pitied ; if, however. He is on the side of the Allies, the Kaiser better surrender at once. A man may read many good books, and still deal wrongfully with mankind. He may read the Bible much and pray often, yet cheat his neighbor out of house and home; but how thankful that these are the exceptions, and not the rule. 22 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES One among the most golden of thoughts is that in which we contemplate our individual relationship to the Kingdom of Heaven and of our eternal hab- itation therein. The happiest state of the human mind is that wherein the thoughts are those having golden wings, and nothing is truer than ''As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. ' ' It is impossible to conceive that if you and I should be cast into Hell, we would be put in the same place of torment with the highway robber, the murderer, the blackmailer and the slanderer. God forbid! Cain was most remarkable, being the first child born of woman, the first to commit murder, and the only one to marry a woman without parents. Jonah went in head-foremost, could not turn around, therefore, came out feet-foremost. The poor fellow was caught in a tight place— the whale had the dead wood on him. The Bible gives the history of peoples, recording the bad as well as the good, but the teachings of this book are righteous altogether. 23 EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when cast into the fiery furnace experienced a ^*hot time/' but came out without scorching a hair — maybe they were bald-headed. Solomon is said to have been the wisest of all men, and he must have been, to keep one thousand women living in peace together. He must also have been a handsome fellow to get so many stuck on him at the same time. If Cain had not been quite so hasty in getting married, he might have found a better woman in the land of Nod. Gain builded a city — wonder who inhabited that city. Eve had no other children up to that time. Tell me how you deal with your fellow man, and I will tell you who you are, for ** Actions speak louder than words '* and portray your character stronger than that of ^^The books you read.'' How natural it is when we are in serious need, to wonder why our friends do not come to our rescue ; but when they are in serious need, how natural again it is that we do not have time to look after them, or just don't happen to think of them. 24 EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTBS When we are seriously sick, how natural it is that we wonder why our friends do not send flowers or come to see us ; but when they are sick, how natural again it is, that we don't happen to think of them till dead; then rush to the mourner's bench with the exclamation, I intended, but! There is nothing more beautiful and lovable in hu- man life than to possess a spirit of genuine loyalty and rugged honesty, in all dealings with our fellow- man, for these characteristics are not found without a microscope. One true and loyal friend who will not desert you in time of need, is more desirable than a thousand of the other kind ; but, true friendship is a very scarce article and is always prized away above par on the market. It is said that God cursed Ham, and that he be- came the head of the African race ; however, it was not God, but Noah who cursed Ham. Suppose God, or Noah, cursed Ham, the Bible does not say that Ham was turned black, neither does it say that Mrs. Ham was cursed — both would have to be turned black before African children could be bom. 25 EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES It is difficult to determine whicii is the more im- moral, he who defiles the body, or he who may not defile the body, but whose mind is always imagining that others are immoral. Many people are constantly expecting and silently waiting for something to turn up, or a ship to come in ; but do not think to turn up anything themselves, or send out any ships. No man who is any part of a gentleman will be found puffing smoke in the beautiful face of a re- fined woman; and when this is attempted, the lady should quietly ask to be excused ; and at once remove to more pleasant quarters, or into the presence of a gentleman. Egotism is another one of the most abundant things, if it is worthy to be called a thing, that ex- ists except air and water; and while they are valu- able, egotism was never known to have any value. Human nature thirsts for the friendship and good- will of mankind ; but how heroic and transcen- dent it is to see men and women not thirsting but going about trying to establish themselves as friends and aids to others. One is noble, the other ignoble. 26 EPIGEAMS AND SEBMONETTES Selfishness may be a good thing with which to kindle a fire, and if so that is about all that it can be fit for, yet there is more of it bundled np in the human family than any other known article. The most glorious spectacle among the temporal affairs of mankind, is the presence of a well-gowned woman of beautiful face and figure, who is pos- sessed of a righteous spirit, a brilliant mind, all backed up with modesty of tongue and chastity of demeanor. The next most glorious spectacle among the tem- poral affairs of mankind is the presence of a well- groomed man, who is possessed of a righteous spirit, a brilliant mind, all backed up with real, genuine manhood, in purpose of life, whose word is his bond, yet active and thrifty. It is all right for me and my wife to stay away from church and Sunday-school; but I think it is positively barbarous for John Smith and his wife to do the same thing. As my mother is always my mother, I am happy to have a mother; but if my mother were not my mother I would choose to have no mother. 27 EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES When I see a man puffing a cigar in a cab, ele- vator or parlor, where there are others, male or fe- male, I know full well that he has not yet learned to have the least consideration for his fellowman, and that he is not a polished gentleman. Vanity is a good thing with which to show to yonr fellow man that yon are one common, every-day dunce, for the want of gray matter ; but no other use for it has ever been discovered, yet it is an abun- dant article, common among both males and females. Immorality is not at all confined to the body of man or woman; but is equally confined to the mind, as well as the body. She who is prone to think and dwell on immoral things, even though it may be be- cause she is all the time mentally accusing others of immoral things, thinking herself chaste, yet she is quite as immoral herself. Some years ago a young man was graduated from one of our leading universities. Just prior to the day of graduation, his father wrote : ^ ^ Mother and me air comin to see you finish.'' He immediately wrote back: ^^ Yours received, I do not think it advisable for you to come, under the circum- stances.'' They did not go. I say unto you of such young men is the Kingdom of Hell. 28 EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES When on Judgment Day we appear before the Lord, He in order to judge us, will not have to look up some long ledger account to find out our status ; no, but only to look at the scarred soul — that alone will tell the story. When I see a young man going through a railway coach or a public gathering of seated people, await- ing a speaker, singing or whistling, I know two things about that young man. He has never at- tended the University of Eefinement, nor the College of Respect. The man or woman, who, having accepted favors from father, mother, sister, brother or friend, does not appreciate them during all of life; and show substantial exchange for such favors, is pos- sessed of great ingratitude, and is the worst of all sinners. Such a person should be kept in solitary confinement until death, then buried in a pauper's grave. A man may say : I am not responsible for being here ; God put me here, I am, therefore, not respon- sible. If He save any. He will save me also. Now, don't call me a skeptic, when I say that He will not save you, without you act your part, in that sal- vation. 29 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES When St. Peter converted three thousand souls by the preaching of one sermon, it is not recorded that he ever referred to the university from which he was graduated, or to the fact that his grand- father was the governor of a great state. I would ten thousand times rather be in the Kingdom of Heaven with a cupfull of happiness and my little cup running over, where all is beauty, peace, harmony and enjoyment; than to be in the King- dom of Hell, with a cupfull of Satan's galling sor- rows, where all is pain ; and I would always be hunt- ing a location where the heat of dissatisfaction was not 212° in the shade. The preacher who, having taken a text from the Bible, begins to use his polished political oratory, that the congregation may admire his unequaled educational advantages; and paints many flowers on the hillside ; and great ships on the ocean, has lit- tle religion, and was never intended to even wound the feelings of the average sinner. If man were not a free moral agent, and the Lord guided his every footstep, there would have been no necessity for a Redeemer ; as man could never have committed sin, or be tempted to disbelieve, there- fore he could not be lost. 30 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Many a preacher has gone into his pulpit on Sun- day morning with a bucket full of ammunition pre- paratory to slaying sinners. He would first begin his sermon by taking good aim; second by pulling the trigger all right; and third by bursting a num- ber of percussion caps. The reason he could not shoot to kill, was that the powder which he tried to use was soaking-wet. It is impossible to conceive that you and I, should we get into the Kingdom of Heaven, as if by fire, or the skin of our teeth; will occupy like posi- tions of happiness and the glorious knowledge of God^s Kingdom, as St. Paul, Moody, Sam Jones, Billy Sunday and a host of others who have wrought out, while on earth, a greater salvation than we. It is not so much what you do in this life, as it is how you strive to do ; for one may do much, having much with which to do; and another may do little, having but little with which to do. The Lord will give the more credit to the one who strives the more. Remember the widow's mite. Owing to the free moral agency of man, it is nec- essary to have a Devil, that man may work out his own salvation with fear and trembling, receiving his proper reward. 31 EPIGEAMS A 1^ D SEBMONETTES It may be said that there is no Hell, but Christ in all his teachings recognizes its eternal existence, and you may not be there more than ten minutes before you are thoroughly convinced. The experience of mankind in this life is com- posed mostly of ^'ups and downs,'' with consider- ably more downs than ups. Up to-day, down to- morrow. The world looks good to-day, but bad to- morrow. However, life is very much the matter of our own making. '^As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.'' A young man, some few years ago, was graduated from one of our great universities, at the head of a class numbering two hundred and eighty. Before graduation day he wrote his father and mother, now growing old, to come from the farm to see him grad- uate. They came, dressed in the usual country style. When he was about to receive his degree, he called for his father and mother to come upon the plat- form; where, standing between them, with one arm around his mother, the other around his father, he said: ^^ Ladies and Grentlemen, it is my good for- tune to have only one happy father and one happy mother who are due all the credit for the distin- guished compliment paid me here today. This is the happiest day of my life. ' ' I say unto you, of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 32 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES If my friends remain my friends, I am happy to have my friends; but if my friends cannot remain my friends, I much prefer to have no friends. Never charge the Lord with any bad things — He is just, holy and righteous, and can do no wrong. If, therefore, you see wrong in your midst, charge it to the Devil, who largely rules mankind. God created the elements which go to make up all things. He created the elements which make fire possible, but He is not in the business of destroy- ing property, or cities, by means of fire— man does that. He created the elements which go to make up the infant of man, but He is not in the business of causing children to be ''Born in sin and in iniquity'^— man does that. The most uncompanionable, unhappy and unsat- isfactory people in this life, are those who were spoiled when young. They know nothing but selfish- ness and are always expecting something to be done for them, never seeking to do anything for others. They are always looking for a ship to come in, but never think of sending out any ships. They are dead, but have not as yet been wholly buried; how- ever, the community hopes strong for an early funeral. 3S: EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTES When ttie Devil is chained in Hell for a thou- sand years, as we are taught he will be, then man will have no occasion to do wrong, and the Millenium will be here. If two railroad trains collide, because the con- ductor having an extra drink neglects to send a message, and one hundred and fifty passengers are killed, the Devil must have suggested the drink. If man were not, by the plan of the Lord, a free moral agent, and therefore could not of himself do any act either good or bad ; then the Lord would be wholly responsible for what he does, and could not punish him. Your salvation, and your final entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, are not in any wise dependent upon how ugly, how pretty, how strong, how weak, how deformed, how maimed your body, how intelli- gent, or how learned you may be. Christ did not teach that salvation depended in any wise upon the make-up of the body, but upon the exercise of faith and trust in Him. After we leave this world, there will be continued progress in the next. If in Heaven, our happiness will grow, or if in Hell, our misery will increase. 34 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES If you do wrong, being a free moral agent, having the power to also do right, you will be demerited by the Lord for all wrong, and merited by Him for all good. Those who get into the Kingdom will be com- pletely happy, but your capacity for happiness there may be very small compared to many others, owing to how you used your earthly life. If the Lord control the actions of all men and women in this life, and one Nation make war upon another, whereby millions of men are slain, and bil- lions of property destroyed, don't blame the men, but blame Him who controls. Hell may not be a place of fire and brimstone, as to that we cannot say, but if not fire and brimstone, then a condition of increasing dissatisfaction, which will be a torture equal to fire and brimstone. The chief difference between the saved and the unsaved is : One has become the client of the Lord, and who will sin, more or less, so long as there is a Devil unchained; but who repenteth and trusteth in the Lord; the other is not a client, and does not care to be; neither does he trust in Him, but con- tinues to sin, without repenting. 35 EPIGEAMS AND SEBMONETTES When we get into the Kingdom of Heaven, we shall be just as happy as we can be, our little tea-cnp of capacity will be running over, and we shall not know that others are any happier than we ; but, there will be others all around whose capacities for happi- ness and knowledge are much greater, owing to having lived while here more profitable lives. The God I worship can do me no wrong in this life. He is a just God and sends the rain upon the just and the unjust. I cannot blame Him for any- thing which may happen to me in this life. If He is to be held responsible for my condition here, then He must, of necessity, be my guardian, but He is not the guardian of my temporal affairs, unless I have committed myself wholly unto his keeping, and am therefore a saint. How long, oh Lord, shall Thy sheep stray from Thy fold! When will they be seen to return again unto Thee 1 They remember not the magnitude of Thy glory, nor the bounty of all Thy tender mercy, else they would not remain from without Thy fold. Teach them how to keep the ways of the Lord, and to do good unto His pleasure forever. Let Thine everlast- ing goodness and Thy tender mercy follow them whithersoever they may wander, and may the light of Thv fflory continually shine around about them. 3:6 EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES The Lord is no respecter of persons. He careth nanglit except for the soul. Whether we have one eye, or one foot, or whether we have strong bodies or weak arms. The sonl or spirit is the only thing in which He is particularly interested. If man is not a free moral agent, he cannot be held responsible for what he may do. But if he is a free moral agent, and there be both good and evil from which to choose, and he elects to choose the evil, then he commits sin, and is therefore subject to condemnation; but if he elects to choose the good, having the faith, then there is no condemnation. Man is a free moral agent, and works out his own salvation for weal or woe. Whatsoever a man seeketh that shall he also find. If he seek enemies, he shall find cut-throats and rob- bers ; if he seek whiskey, he shall find gamblers and drunkards; if he seek sin, he shall find the conse- quences of sin, damnation; if he seek trouble, he shall be overwhelmed with disaster ; if he seek truth, he shall find truth, and it shall set him free ; if he seek salvation, he shall find peace, righteousness and eternal glory. A man may be ever so learned and a graduate from many universities, yet be a real fool. 37 EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES I am a free moral agent, I can do just as I please, so far as the Lord is concerned. He does not con- trol me, but nevertheless, He holds me accountable for what I may do, and will judge me accordingly on the last day. How wonderful are Thy tabernacles, oh Lord, and how amiable the works of Thy mighty hands. The heavens foretell the matchless power of Thy wisdom, and all nature portrays the beauty of Thy concep- tion. The stars sing together at evening-tide, and clap their glad hands for joy at Thy appearing. The mountains with mighty towering peaks, rise to greet Thee in the heavens — to say ^^good morn.'' The timerous birds delight to sing Thy praises from early mom till noon of night. Thy glory, Thy honor, Thy mercy. Thy power. Thy goodness and Thy wisdom are from everlasting to everlasting. There is naught in the universe but Thee, oh Lord, our strength and our shield. 38 EPIGBAMS A^D S E B M N E T T E S PLAN OF SALVATION ''Whom tlie Lord loveth He chastenetli. ' ' Tlie Lord lovetb all alike, the unjust as well as the just, and would that all men may come unto Him. * ^ God is Love'' and loves everybody and everything except sin, and hates not man, but the sin which man com- mits. One soul is just as precious in the sight of the Lord as another soul. All men stand equal be- fore Him so far as His love is concerned ; so far as the plan of salvation is concerned. ^ * The Lord is no respecter of persons,'' and is all justice, all mercy and all wisdom. He cannot therefore cause one man to be saved and another man to be lost; or one man to become rich in property or health, and an- other to be poor or ill. Man is a free moral agent, and has the power to come into the presence of the Lord, or to come into the presence of the Devil; to become the client of the Lord, or become the client of the Devil. Man is a free moral agent, having the power to choose either good or evil; is invited to seek Grod and the paths of righteousness, and to deny the influence and power of the Devil ; and He will reward or punish him ac- cordingly, in other words hold man responsible for what he may do. The highest compliment the Lord ever paid man was in giving him intelligence, reason, immortal 39 EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES soul. The second Mgliest compliment the Lord ever paid man was to constitute him not a slave, but a free man to do just as he pleases ; and allow him to work out his own salvation, giving him reward, on the last day, for whatever he is justly entitled to, let that be whatsoever it may, regardless of any other creature. If He had not given man his freedom, but used him as a slave, saying do this and he doeth it, then in that case everything man did would be according to the dictation, command and power of the Lord ; in fact not the act of man, but that of his Lord and Mas- ter; hence, He could not punish him for the wrongs he committed ; neither could He reward him for any good, for the man in and of himself could do noth- ing; and it would be very unjust to compel man to commit sin, then punish him for doing so. If the Lord had not made a Devil to tempt and antagonize man, then the man, of course, not having any temptation to do anything but right even though he be a free moral agent, would not deserve any credit or reward for having lived a just and perfect life ; but in order that man might work out a life of merit and activity, the Lord in His infinite wisdom deemed it proper to create a Devil. The plan of es- tablishing man as a free moral agent, and also estab- lishing a Devil to tempt him, may not meet with the full approbation of mankind; however, the plan of 40 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES holding man individually responsible, and requiring faith and full surrender, was established in the be- ginning of man's career, regardless of whether he might like it or not; and in as much as this is the Lord's way of doing the business, man has nothing to do but accept or reject the plan. 41 EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES CHEISTIAN SCIENCE Christian Science teaches that God is all and in all. He knows no evil and can do no wrong. Every- thing is of and from the Lord. There is no snch thing as sin, or Devil. Man cannot commit sin as there is no sin to commit. We only think there is sin, but in reality there is no sin. Each individual is a Grod within himself. All men have immortal souls and all will be saved. The above propositions are in part true, but all are not true. They teach that there is no sin; that we only think there is sin. They teach that there is no Devil ; that we only think there is a Devil. Now, in teaching that there is no Devil, and no sin, they must necessarily teach that there is no Hell; for if there be no sin, we need no place of punishment. If, therefore, they eliminate the Devil and Hell, also eliminate all sin; then they take away half of the teachings of Christ and all the apostles, concerning Hell and Heaven. If the Lord is all goodness and all power; if He therefore knows no evil and can do no wrong ; if He rule the affairs of men on this earth, then there can be no sin, no Devil and no Hell. Now, if He control man, there being no Devil and no sin. He has nothing against him worthy of punishment. If, therefore, the preceding doctrines be true, why is it that there 42 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES appear among men, so many things which they think seem unrighteous and unholy? Do they really exist or not? Are they in reality righteous and holy things 1 Are all the things we think we see, such as murder, theft, immorality, selfishness and the many other items which could he enumerated, and which are broadcast among men, really righteous and holy? Do they really exist or not? If not, the teachings of Jesus and the Apostles are naught except concern- ing Heaven and righteousness. The truth of the situation is: There is a God who is holy, altogether righteous, and can do no evil. There is a Devil who is unholy, altogether unright- eous and can do no good. There is a free moral agent, known as man, who can accept the good or accept the evil. There is a Christ, who if man ap- peal to Him in the right spirit, having the faith. He can blot out the sin which he commits. It is Meat and Drink for man that God in His infinite wisdom put on Earth a Devil; and then established a par- doning power, in order that man as an independent free moral agent, may work out in a life of activity, his own salvation and merit, which will be awarded him on the last day ; otherwise man would not strug- gle and work out a life meriting any reward. Man makes his own destiny by the manner in which he lives on this earth, and is therefore in that sense a God or a Devil, the Lord meting out to him 43 EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES on the last day, the eternal justice which he truly merits. Man, in his free moral agency, sometimes accepts the teachings of the Lord ; then again accepts the teachings of the Devil; and therefore, some men will be saved and others lost. The Lord would that all men be saved, but He can not and will not save man without his full consent, and man gives that consent by living it on earth. In teaching the doctrine that all men have im- mortal souls and all will be saved; and that since man cannot commit sin, it naturally follows that men who rob trains ; men who commit murder ; and men who destroy character and property will occupy the same position in the Kingdom of Heaven that all others occupy. It therefore further follows that the life of one man is just as good and holy as that of any other man ; and that there is no earthly use for man to strive while on earth to live any better than the robber or murderer; and in fact there is no harm done if a man knock you down, rob you of your money, then kill you. 44 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES SOCEATES Intelligence, intellect and reason are one and the same thing. Man alone, of all the animals, is en- dowed with these, together with an Immortal Soul. The brain sometimes becomes distorted through dis- ease or otherwise, and the man is then said to be partially or wholly insane. There can be no reason, intellect or intelligence, without the presence of Immortal Soul. The funda- mental difference between man and all other ani- mals is immortal soul ; hence the difference between the calculating reason and forethought of man, and the uncalculating instinct of all other animals. The body of man is composed of flesh and blood. The indwelling life of the body is composed of im- mortal soul. When the soul leaves the body, the body decays and goes back to the dust from whence it came ; and, according to the teachings of Christ the soul departs and goes to Heaven or Hell. All animals, other than man, are not possessed of intellect, intelligence, reason or immortal soul, but of instinct only. In accordance with all Human and Divine Laws, if you slay an animal possessed of im- mortal soul, you have committed murder, and may be punished accordingly; but if you slay an ani- mal possessed only of instinct, you have not com- mitted murder, and are not subject to punishment. 45 EPIGEAMS AND S E B M O N E T T E S All human and divine laws recognize tlie immor- tality of the human soul, and that all men possess such a soul ; but upon the contrary, the same laws re- cognize that all animals, other than man, have no immortal souls. It will be impossible for an animal which has no immortal soul, to develop into the person of a man having an immortal soul. A monkey, therefore, which has no immortal soul, could not become man having an immortal soul. In other words, the im- mortal soul is not interchangeable with mortal in- stinct. Concerning the soul, Socrates taught : That the souls of men who were gluttons and drunkards would pass into asses and animals of that sort; that the souls of men who were unjust, tyrannical and vio- lent would pass into wolves, hawks, kites and the like ; that the souls of men who practiced the civil and so- cial virtues would pass into the bees, ants and the like ; and, that the souls of men who were good and pure would pass into the presence of the gods. The teachings of Jesus Christ and the apostles, concerning the soul, are : Every human being pos- sesses an immortal soul, the final destination of which is either Hell or Heaven ; that if the destination is Hell it will forever suffer; if the destination be Heaven, it will forever rejoice; but that there are degrees in both places, and that all souls in Hell will 46 EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES not suffer tlie same, neither will each soul rejoice the same in Heaven. Socrates taught, concerning knowledge, that what knowledge you may have, you previously had, and that what you learn as you go through life is what you can recall from your former existence ; and that what you learn from school and otherwise, is simply calling up, as it were, the knowledge you once pos- sessed. If this doctrine were true, then there is no new knowledge. Mr. Edison has, for instance, learned no new thing. If Mr. Socrates had taught the 'transmigration of the souP' strictly, and said that the soul of one man when dying may be transmigrated into another man, and that the instinct of one cat at death may be transmigrated into some other animal of instinct, the proposition would have been, not reasonable, but more tending to reason, than that proposed. When Socrates says that man at death may pass into the form of a wolf, hawk, bee or other creature of instinct, he forgets that the man's immortal soul could not be changed into the form of instinct, and therefore become mortal. When Socrates teaches that one man, having a soul, may die and pass into the form of a beast having no soul ; or that another man having a bet- ter soul may die and pass into the form of another man having a soul ; he forgets that the soul of man 47 EPIQEAMS AND SEEMOJSTETTES is eternal and unchangeable, or that one man having a soul can not change that soul for instinct. Socrates taught the immortality of the soul. He also taught that the soul of man at death may be transmigrated into a beast, bird or other creature. If, therefore, the immortal soul of man is transmi- grated into a beast, fowl or other creature, the ani- mal into which it is transmitted will likewise possess an immortal soul. And if the soul of man at death can pass into the Kingdom of Heaven, or into the Kingdom of Hell, it naturally follows, from the same process of reasoning, that the soul of the beast, fowl or other creature may also pass into either of the Kingdoms named. Therefore, if man ever inherit either Kingdom, the same Kingdom will be inher- ited by all kinds of beasts, fowls and other creatures. If the soul of man is not immortal, then it will cease to exist when the man dies. If the soul of man ceases to exist when man dies, then that is the last of the man — his body decays and goes back to the dust from whence it came. If when man dies, he does not live again, but ceases to exist, then there is no Heaven or Hell. There would therefore be no use, whatever, for an eternal existence beyond the grave, so far as man is concerned. According to the doctrine of Socrates, when you die your soul may pass into an ox, therefore the ox will possess both knowledge and soul. When the ox 48 EPIGEAMS AND SERMON ETTES dies, he may pass into the form of a snake, therefore man, ox and snake are one and the same kind of ani- mal, aecording to such a method of reasoning. When you were last born, according to the doc- trine of Socrates, you may have come from a honey bee; and as to whether or not you have knowledge and a soul, will depend upon whether the bee from whence you came, had knowledge and a soul. 49 E P I G B A M S AND SERMONETTES SUN SPOTS Science teaches as one theory that the sun is an intensely hot body. That sun-spots are caused by cold air rushing into the depressions on the face of the sun. That sun-rays come through ninety-odd million miles of ether which is dark, and cold as ice. That the sun is three million miles nearer to the earth in winter than in summer. That the reason that it is warmer at the equator than elsewhere is because the rays strike the earth more perpendicu- larly. The reason it is colder in winter than sum- mer is because the rays strike the earth more ob- liquely. That many years ago Florida was as cold in winter as Canada. If the sun is an intensely hot body, there can be no cold air to rush into the depressions on the face of the sun. If sun-rays come through ninety-odd million miles of ice-cold ether they will not be hot when they strike the earth. If the sun is three mil- lion miles nearer in the winter than in summer, it would be hotter in winter than in summer, if our heat really comes from the sun ; for the perpendicu- larity of the rays could not make such a difference. If the sun-rays striking the earth perpendicular at the equator cause it to be so much warmer South than North; then why could Florida be so cold in winter years ago, and warm there now, as recent 50 EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES discovery of fossils indicate. If it is so much warmer in June, than in January, because the rays strike more perpendicularly, then why the thermom- eter June 20th at 90° and June 24th at 60°, as the rays on both days have practically the same perpen- dicularity. If the cold in January is on account of the rays striking obliquely, why should the thermom- eter stand 40° above zero on Jan. 10th and 10° below zero on Jan. 12th, for the slant of the rays are practically the same on both days, and the air still. The philosophy concerning sun-spots will not stand to be measured by real logic. If the sun-rays govern the temperature of the atmosphere of earth the days in summer, according to their own teach- ings, would be uniformly warm, and those in win- ter uniformly cold— not cold in Florida several cen- turies ago, and warm there now. The teachings are both illogical and unphilosophic, to say the least; and are upon the whole absolutely in error, and impos- sible. While we do not claim to know much of truth in the matter, we are greatly inclined to the following belief: The sun is an intensely hot body of electricity, and is the fountain of all animal and vegetable energy. Its rays of electricity strike the atmosphere, which surrounds the earth, which at- mosphere in a certain locality to-day, may not have in it, the same relative component parts that were in 51 EPIGHAMS AND SEBMONEIXES force on yesterday. In other words, one cubic foot of air here may have a greater proportion of oxygen to-day than a cubic foot of air, in the same locality, had on yesterday ; hence when the electric rays from the sun come in contact with the air to-day greater combustion ensues ; therefore the greater the heat in- dicated, or vice versa, which may account for the weather being cold to-day and warm to-morrow, hot in summer and cold in winter. 52 EPIGEAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S THE BANKRUPT SOUL I have been doing business at the same old stand forty years. I have large plantations, much mer- chandise and money ; president of one railroad, four banks and a dozen corporations. Pay all bills when presented, and should therefore be counted a wealthy man, but not so. I am absolutely a bankrupt, and shall never ex- pect to be able to pay all my indebtedness in full. If I pay ten per cent of all my obligations, I shall come out well ; some of the claims have now been standing many years, accumulating interest day and night; many mortgages have been recorded against me, and the situation looks gloomy. I believe, however, that I am in as good condi- tion as most of mankind— they are practically all bankrupt I fear, with no encouraging hope of getting in a better condition soon. The situation is pitiable in the extreme, and now the burning question is, ''What shall we doT' We are all children of one common father, striving- together for the same common end. We arise in the morning full of hope; to retire at night weighted with disappointment ; we go forth to meet the rising sun with great glee and song ; to return at eve crest- fallen and despondent. 53 EPIGEAMS AI^D SERMOISTETTES Our political hopes are bright, the people honor us with their trust and confidence; our business is in good condition, the store-house being full of goods, and crops abundant, with good prices; our social standing is good, our friends are many, influential and loyal; but this does not tell half of the story. What shall be the final end? My soul and yours, that part only which can exist always, are bankrupt forever ; the glory of all things is but naught if the soul, the eternal soul, is bankrupt. For '^What shall a man profit if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul; or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul." We have fought many battles together, the Devil often being our commander, and may fight many more; some we win, and some we lose. We have honored the Devil with all, or most of our offerings ; we have lain them upon his majesty's altar, the very best we had ; he has been loyal to us, in season and out of season — we have served him well. The debts of gratitude we owe our parents, neighbors and friends ; to say nothing of the trans- cendent obligations long due our Savior and our God; we shall never, never pay. Have mercy on my soul, oh Lord, have mercy! 54 EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES THE SPOILED CHILD God pity the mother who is guilty of spoiling her child, for she hath committed a grievous sin, and grievously will the child answer it. It is pet- ted, caressed, catered to, made much of, given every- thing it fancies and more. If there be a nice, red apple around, the child must have all, no division among the other children of the community, abso- lutely none. It is therefore taught to receive, not to give; to absorb, not to scatter; to grasp every- thing in sight ; not to divide among others ; to think itself the only object of admiration; not to admire anybody or anything ; and, to always look for ships coming in; never endeavoring to send out any. It becomes a sponge, as it were, to absorb, to soak-up, to gather from others— only to hold. It is a com- plete bundle of selfishness. The principle grows as the child grows. The only way to get anything from it, is to do it as you would the sponge — squeeze. Of such is a great proportion of the population. ^¥hen grown-up, they are found in all walks of life, but from them what m.ay we expect? The most discontented, unhappy, uncongenial and unsatisfactory hum_an beings, who have an exist- ence, are those unfortunates who were spoiled in childhood. They think only of and for themselves ; never seeking to do anything for others. They 55 EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES never acknowledge a fault, in fact are not capable of knowing that they possess a fault. They will do most anything, if they think it will worry, or grieve you. If you wait on them from early morn till noon of night, they do not think to thank you, in fact are void of appreciation; and the more you do for them the more they exact of you. Most of what they do in this life, is to keep up strife and turmoil ; for not being themselves happ}^, or content, they seek to make all others unhappy. They are living corpses, but the community is strongly hoping for an early funeral. Peace to their ashes, if there be anv ashes! 56 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES ROMAN TO ROMANS Countrymen and Lovers: Ye do me honor over-much, when ye call me chief, and ye do him honor, who for seven long years, hath stood upon this arena, fighting every form of man and heast your empire could furnish, and never yet hath lost as victor. My ancestors came from old Scotland. Their bones lie bleached upon her sandy plains, where patriotism and heroism are one common household, both of which go hand in hand with progress and civilization. My early life ran quiet as the brook by which I played. I have scaled the towering Rockies ; stood astride her tempest-torn peaks, with sword in hand; suc- cessfully defied the elements around me; and then viewed with calmness and serenity the rich and fer- tile plains fourteen miles below. I successfully swam the Ocean five times, once upon my back; and have routed every monster, whale and shark known to navigation, which came within my pathway. I have slain grizzlies, fought lions, tigers, wildcats, hyenas, and all manner and form of beasts ; until now they recognize my fierce- ness ; come meekly and humbly like lambs ; lie down at my feet ; and sleep peacefully with me among the leaves. 57 EPIGRAMS AliD SERMONETTES I have met his iSatanic Majesty and all his angels in mortal combat ; cut off his horns and forked tail ; pulled out his fiery tongue; and left him and them bleeding and dying upon the field of battle ; so that in the future he will be as meek and humble as a common donkey before a great and mighty storm. I am no common man as men are known to be; but fierce and full of fire as ye now see me ; ready and willing to slay or be slain. I fear no man or set of men. I am no babe, but do and say that which I feel and know. If ye have tears prepare to shed them now; for I see in your midst those who hate me; those who would do me harm ; and seeing them it in- flames me ; it makes me mad ; my soul is in a rage ; and my tongue is set on fire. I speak that which I do know ; but I speak the words of truth and sober- ness. If there be one among you who dare face me on this bloody spot, let him come on ! I'll vanquish him as I have vanquished thousands. I say let him come now! If there be three let them come! I pause. None? Then none there are who would face me. None who dare harm me. It is well that it is so. I tell you all that which you yourselves do know — I am no coward, no weakling, no makeshift, but a man ; and having shown you this, I bid you farewell. 58 EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES CRITICISM OF PORTINIA The following letter is a reply to one re- ceived from the author of Portinia, re- questing a criticism of his new book. April 6, 1915. Mr. James Calvin Hooper, Dallas, Texas. My Dear Hooper: — I received from you some time ago, an autograph copy of Portinia which I very much appreciate, coming as it does from an honored friend of long standing. I have read the book three times, each time with increased interest, instruction and enjoyment; and shall hope to read it many more times in the near future, but shall now attempt to give you a few im- pressions gathered from its reading. Poetry, generally speaking, is of three kinds: (1) that which is divided into verses and rhyming in couplets; (2) that which is not divided into verses, being continuous, but rhyming in couplets; (3) that wherein the measure is English Heroic Yerse, with- out rhyme. 59 EPIGEAMS AND SEBMONETTES Under division one may be found the greater por- tion of all poetry, the beauty of which is mostly dependent upon the rhyme; but such poetry is not usually very deep or philosophic, but may be quite pleasing. Under division two may be found such poesy as Homer's Iliad, and Pope's Essays, which are usually deep and philosophic, as well as pleasing and instructive. Under division three may be found such poetry as Milton's Paradise Lost, which carries great depth and philosophy, but is not as pleasing as the other divisions named. Portinia, strictly speaking, belongs under divis- ion two and is therefore to be compared with poetry under this class, or division only. Under this divis- ion, I find nothing which seems to surpass in beauty, instruction, and philosophy, Homer's Iliad or Pope's Essay on Man, or his Essay on Criticism. Homer is said to be the greatest poetic inventor of them all, but I am persuaded that Pope is the greatest phi- losopher of all. In poetry, as in music, much depends upon the ''touch." Touch in poetry as in music, is the counterpart, as it were, of the writer or performer, and in a great measure reflects the sweetness of dis- position and refinement of the soul. In my opinion the story of Portinia, an epic poem bathed in love romance, guilded with pure heart 60 EPIGRAMS AND SER MONET TES throbs, expressed in most eloquent yet tender and pathetic terms, consisting of Love's greatest tribute to Beauty, all dedicated to the transcendent charms of womanhood, so divinely conceived and chastely expressed ; is one of the most classic, pleasing, capr tivating, philosophic and instructive pieces of liter- ature ever penned by mortal man; and rivals any masterpiece of poesy produced by ancient or mod- ern authors, carrying with it the most extensive vo- cabulary of them all. I have never read a more beautifully conceived story of love and romance ; have never known such tender and pathetic pleadings of love; have never read of any woman at whom so many beautiful bo- quets of love were thrown; have never seen such delicate and refined word-paintings; have never heard of one who could so skillfully tint the dome of Nature, and artistically shade each little bud and flower ; and, I am sure no piece of poetic literature, extant, is so redolent of divine love, as your beau- tiful story. You find Love and Harmony not only in the sun- shine of Nature ; in all the song-birds and blooming flowers; but in the chucklings of fowls, the pipings of insects, the snow-clad hills, the vine-covered val- leys, and in all the avenues of Nature. A glorious conception. A divine truth. A true philosophy. 61 EPIGRAMS AND SEBMONETTES I am sure the quiet, meditative scholar will find Portinia not only full of interest but likewise full of wisdom and instruction; and that he will ac- cord it a place in his library by the side of Shakes- peare, Milton, Byron, Pope and other distinguished authors ; and I trust he may be able to refer often, in the future, to the works of Hooper, consisting of many volumes, for I am sure you should continue to use your pen. In Portinia you act the title role of a lover, and I must say that you act the part exceedingly well. You are a natural born lover — this I have known many years. No woman ever had a more elo- quent, devoted and romantic lover than the beau- tiful, blue-eyed, golden-haired Portinia. In melodizing you use the softest possible poetic touch; the tenderest possible sense of expression; the most chaste and refined use of language ; and, in all these points you excel, in my opinion, the lead- ing authors of poesy. In reading your book one is impressed with the idea that the author is a great scholar; a man of extensive reading; that he has lived midst all the gardens of Grecian and Eoman mythology; and owing to the language used, that he was the school-mate and life companion of a Noah Webster. One of the most striking features of your book is the fact that the language throughout is chaste and 62 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES refined. In no instance do you lower the tone, nor in any line can there be fonnd a vulgar or de- grading word. I hasten to congratulate you upon this and other characteristic features of your work. The most marvelous feature connected with your poetry is the fact that Portinia, consisting of 142 pages, and containing over 37,000 words, is your very first production as a poet and author; yet Portinia is within itself a great masterpiece of poetic literature. It is a known fact that poets be- gin by writing small sonnets, and after years of struggle, a few of them have produced some great masterpiece, as Milton's Paradise Lost, Homer's Iliad, or Pope's Essay on Man; but you are able to bring forth a masterpiece as your first poem; this is indeed marvelous, and proves you to be a great poet and author. Another marvelous feature of your poetry is the ability you possess to weave into your work so many uncommon words, each having its correct place and meaning. Granting that you are master of thou- sands of uncommon words, yet it is nevertheless marvelous how you can command them so skillfully, and weave them so gracefully in the warp and woof of your poetic fabric. If Portinia were ''staged," and I predict that ere long it will be; and Caruso, the greatest tenor in the world, would take the title role of Don Zeno: 6B EPIGBAMS AND SEBMONETTES and Geraldine Farrar, the greatest soprano in the world, that of Portinia; the play being divided into say five acts, I am sure great things could be ex- pected from your story; in fact, I believe it would rival most any grand opera production of the Metro- politan Opera Company. Your short poems are indeed quite meritorious, among the most noteworthy being Christmas Eve, a story of a hermit and his dog, which is very pathetic, and if properly staged would no doubt rival Wash- ington Irving 's Eip Van Winkle; The Dying Year, very sweet, entertaining and instructive; Twilight, which is full of artistic expression ; The Temple of Nature, Sky Lark, Mocking Bird and others, only to be appreciated when read slowly, carefully and medi- tatively. In order to read your poems, especially Portinia, with understanding and appreciation, an open dic- tionary should lie near for ready reference ; and the reader must read according to the punctuation, prac- tically ignoring the rhyme ; but when thus read and with concentrated mind, there is much beauty to be found in the reading. I am sure that if Portinia, owing to its depth, and being more or less obscure on account of so many uncommon words; is not accepted at once, it will be later on, for there is great merit in the poem, and indeed it is one of the classics. Milton's Par- 64 EPIGBAMS AND SEEMONETTES adise Lost is deep and especially obscure to him who will not exert sufficient effort to understand; however, Milton is universally acknowledged to be a very great poet, if not the greatest. Pope is more or less obscure to him who does not likewise study and concentrate the mind on what he is saying; yet Pope is indeed a great poet and philosopher. I am therefore sure that Portinia will finally be accepted by scholars as a great masterpiece; and that the name of James Calvin Hooper will be handed down to succeeding generations; and that you will be counted one among the greatest poets of ancient or modern times. "Were I you, and had I your ability as a writer and author, I would devote the remainder of my life to literature, and attempt to write many books. I bid you God speed in such glorious work. Your friend always, JACOB T. JOHNSON. 65 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES IN THE BEGINNINa In the begmning, through His word we are told, God became an author, and did this world then un- fold; From nothing whatsoever, ere the first blush of morn, God created the heavens, soon all things else were born ; Though incomprehensible, these things may seem to be. They're now facts, without fancy, as all fully agree. In the Garden of Eden was the first birth of sin, Where man, woman and devil, did these three begin ; The trail of the serpent, as all may now see. Marked the first real beginning, and the second degree ; The seed of destruction thus planted within, Cain being the first, was the first child of sin. Imperial wisdom hath from ages all, Proclaimed man's destruction, as man's own fall; Created free agent, with much reason to guide, Why should there be destruction, why vanquish his own pride. Had Adam and Eve, both perfect and true. Been free from temptation no murder would ensue ; 66 EPIGKAMS AND SERMONETTES But God in His wisdom, which we fail to under- stand, Made likewise a Devil, who plays a shrewd hand; When he is chained in hell, as we are taught he will be, Mankind will then be loose, independent and free. 67 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES TEMPTATION The naked Mils lie sportive to the breeze, The plains below are nude as billowy seas ; The frisky winds in madness play aronnd, They first assault, then rape the holy ground. Winter forests torn by fierce and stormy breeze. The limbs of which are exposed to frost and freeze ; The moral is be careful how you clothe, The naked form and when and where you rove. Temptation's great, as those who will may know, Be careful then, be careful how you sow; For scandal and remorse, two things will follow all. Who sow the seed of discord, resulting in their fall. He who will may by his own accord, Ascend to heights of fame or dying curse his Lord ; Whatever may come, whatever may go away, Man if not progressive will die and soon decay. The drunkard's grave though only six feet deep, Entombs a husband whose family in madness weep ; The sparkling poison and opiate did contain, A loving father the fiery drop hath slain. 68 EPIGRAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S THE RUGGED PATHWAY When selfish man this earth shall cease to trod, And nations steeped in blood shall know there is a God; Imperial wisdom then shall take her place, And rule mankind as all of one immortal race. When egotism, man's boon companion true and strong, And the I of man shall cease among the throng; All men shall then to freedom beck and call, And righteousness her place shall take among them all. When vanity no more man's destiny shall here com- mand, And pride shall be entombed a thousand feet be- neath the sand; The golden rule may then have chance of public sway. And point with clearness all mankind the way. 69 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES WHY DECEMBER WAS LIKE MAY (May be sung like Silver Threads Among the Gold) I remember, yes, my darling, Five and forty years ago, You and I were fond of playing. In the fields so white with snow. Oh, how precious were the moments. When you and I were young and gay. Do you still remember, darling. Why December was like May! Refrain Why December was like May — like May, Why December was like May, Do you still remember, darling. Why December was like May? Love was budding, oh, so tender, Growing stronger day by day — Soon the bud became a flower, Then December was like May. Hear the wedding bells a-ringing, To the church from far and near. Friends and kinsmen, they are going. To greet the bride so young and dear. 70 EPIGEAMS AND SEKMONETTES Refrain Then December was like May— like May, Then December was like May, Soon the bud became a flower, Then December was like May. When the wedding was all over, We together planned the way. The many years we'd have to journey. That December might be May. Darling, we are growing old. Cheeks are pale and hair so gray. Many years weVe spent together. Still December's just like May. Refrain Still December's just like May— like May, Still December's just like May, Many years we 've spent together. Still December's just like May. 71 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES AFEICAN DIALECT Pears lack da aint niiver gnine tuh finish builden uv dis here church. Da been foolen-long wid it now guine on a year, and it haint half dun yit. Some folks des ain no count no way. Well sir, ef sum dem white galls des done take da cake sho! I seed wun guine up da street dis mornin, an she wuz a whoop-po-will ! Pon my wurd, dat galls dress didn cum no whar near da grown— struck her des bout da nees — wid no stockens hardly, an all da menfolks a looken. She wuz sum hunny- gall, bleve me. Whar you wurks nigger? Whar I wurks? I wurks fur Mister John Curtis whut lives on Pied- mont Avenue. Whar you wurks ? I wurks wid Misses Smiff out on da Powell Mill road, des fo you gits tuh da bridge. You knows whar dat little tiny white church? Well, des tuther side uv dat. Whut matter wid you Jozie ! Wid me 1 Yes you. Well, you no dat flat-nose nigger whut you seed wid me tuther night! Well, dat scoundell, he low dat I brings all his meals tuh him fum whar I wurks, an besides, give him all my muney Satday night, too, black scoundell— dat whut matter wid me ! 72 EPIGBAMS AND SERMONETTES Cuin-ere Eastus, you hear me? Potch me dat water melon, you black scoundell. Whar you git it! Green? I beat you tub death nigger ef I uver kotch you wid anuther green water melon — you ain got no sense no how. Huh, green water melon. Miss Smiff, I wants to ax you a queston. Well ax-away. Iz you married? Iz I married? I r-e-c-o-n not. How cum you aint? Well, its des lack dis: I wuz married wunce, but my husband sot aroun and sot aroun. I had tub do all da wurk, so wun day I des give him a kick out uv da back door an tole him to git, and he nuver iz showed up no mo — dats da reason I ain married! Lord nose chile, whar you bin all dis time ? Down tub Griffin? Bless my soul, dont you no better dan tub stay in dat town? I dun leff dar long-go. Da tells me dat all da cuUud people iz guine back tub Africa whar da cum fum, but bless my soul ef T wants tub go, caze da say dat country iz des full uv dem yallagaters. Huh, not me ! I ain ready tub be et-up yit. Whut number shoes you wars auntie? Whut number shoes I wars? I wars tens, I ken wars levens, dese iz twelves, but da sho do hurts my feets. 73 EPIGEAMS AND SEEMONETTES Bin tub church Annie? Yassum but ain guine no mo. How cum? Caze I dont lacks tub bear dat black-monkey. Hes nutbin but a blaten mule, dats all— flat-nose devil ! He ain no better an I iz no bow. Rastus, wbar wuz you guine wid dat yaller gall las nigbt? Wbar wuz I guine? I ain seed no yaller gall. Yes you iz, you nasty black scoundell, you knows you iz. I kotcb you cobortin roun wid dat tbing, da wont be nuff lef uv you tub say blessen over — ^you bear? How ole iz you Uncle Tom ? How ole iz I ? Lord bless yo soul, I dun been bere all duren uv da war, an 1-o-n-g f o dat. I member wben Mars Cbarles fust went out tub da war, riden uv a big wbite boss. I speck ize guine on seventy-five er thirty years ole by dis time. I lacks dem wbite folks when da treats me right, but wben da treats me wrong, I sho doo spizes em. Ef ole Joe Dikes cum noratin roun bere agin, I guine tub bus him wide open, nasty stinkin thing, let me kotcb him wid dat tutber gall — I sho will make sum sausage meat. 74 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Julia, when iz you an dat black nigger, Jim Smiff, guine tuh hitch-up? Never? Shet-up Julia, you nose dat not so. You all been luven long, long time, an it pears tuh me dat you ought tub be doin sumpen by dis time. Huh, we dun broke off long-go. Good mornin, Manda Jane. How iz you feelen dis mornin! Well, I aint feelen very excrushiatin, I has a misry in da side, think maby I has hicuspookus or da wampus wun. Iz you hadum? No, chile, iz had about evy thing but dem do. Mariah, iz you uver met up wid da new Bishop whut iz cumen tuh preach fur us nex Sunday? Nome, he nuver hav been induced to me enformly, az I nose uv, but I has hearn him preach wunce las year, I think it wuz. Day tells me dat all da white folks will be rousted offen da property whut da now has, an we cullud people guine tuh take full pursession. You hear dat too? No, I ain nuver hearn nuthin like dat, an further than mo I dont bleves sich talk. 75 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Uv all da folks I uver did see, dem Jackson galls takes da pudden. Miss Sallie loud tuh me dis mornin dat slie wuz da puddies gall in da whole town. I hope tnh die stone-dead ef she ain da mos uglies white woman I uver did see. Lizer, dis here chicken sho do tase good. I recon it do. You had a hard nuf time gittin it. Whar you find it? I kotch it in da hen roos uv Mr. Jack Anderson on Capitol Avenue, hut I lack not tuh land it. Da shot at me twice, an I sho did run. Bro Jackson, ken you tells me whar tuh find a reel good rat dog fur tuh kotch rats I Nome, not az I nose uv. Well, listen here, ken you tells me how fur tis tuh Mrs. Newtons whut live out on da Brookwood road, I dun cum a mile already? Yes, but you aint nuver started yit nigger, caze dat place is fo miles fum here. In all my rustications in dis community, I ain nuver iz seed no place whar I lacks tuh live yit. I mos gineraly lacks wun whar I ken looks down on my neighbors. Ef you sees a house wid two rooms for tuh rent, an you thinks it would soot my plex- ion, and my deviroments, please let me no, caze my rents due, and I got to move fo da puts me out. 76 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Cum here Nora! Cum to me I tells you! I kotch you playin wid dat gall any mo I guine to strip da hide offen you ! People passin here think yous Irish. Dont you say nuthen, caze I aint guine tuh git mixed up wid nuthen, but ef old lady Andrews didn des beat da wool offen dat no-count husband of hern las night, may da good Lord strike me dead. Beat him? I r-e-c-o-n she did beat him, I bet he cant walk fur a whole munt. Ef da good Lord lets me live, I sho nuver will be caught a wurken fur Mr. Pendergrass any mo after dis week when I gits my pay. Why child, whuts de matter? Huh! I say matter! Ever things da mat- ter ! Nuthin go right wid dat scoundel. He all da time gits drunk, beat his wife, and des cusses round genally. I dont wurks fur no sich trash as dat. My fus husband wuz good tuh me, but he stole a mule, and da put him in da Pen. My nex wuz mose lack da Devil. Oh! he wuz a wild-cat right, but thank da good Lord, da dun put him in da Pen too ! Hows da wun whut you tuck up wid las? Huh! Dont say nuthin fur I dun fix him right. Why, whut you dun to him Liza? Dun tuh him? Dont talk nigger. 77 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Morn dat I ain guine tub. hav nuthen tuh doo wid dat scoundrel, fur lies nuthin but a lazy no- count, good fur nuthen nigger— black babboon! Ef he uver cum prowlen roun dis place any mo I guine beat him tuh death. Ill make him no who hes talkin his blab tuh. Da des ain no use talken, you cant beat no sence in niggers heads. I heap ruther try tuh teach wun uv dese here billy goats how tuh plow dan tuh try tuh teach a black-babboon any thing. Da say dat ar nigger whut shofers fur Capt. English on Peachtree Street got his self in a tur- rible mess wid da cook. He hit-er over da head wid a skillet, an she sprung at him with a case knife. La chile da say she sho did make sausage meat outn dat nigger. Dis sho iz wun funny world. How cum Louise, whut make you say dat! Well er-a you nose dat yaller gall whut live wid ole Miss Judson down at number 316 dont you! Yes, I nose her, why so! Wei] da says dat she look lack me, but you no hunny, I cant tuh save me sees any assemblence whutsonever. 78 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Rastus: Cum-ere nigger. Sambo: How cum I mus cum tuh you ? Rastus : Aint I dun tole you to cum tuh mef Sambo (coming close): Whut? Rastus: I wants tuh ax you a queston. Ef you wuz near a grave-yard sum night, and you sees sumpin white m-o-v-e-n round up dar, whut would you doo? Samho (scratching his head) : Whut would I doo? Rastus: Yes whut would you dool Sambo : I dont no a-zactly all da things I would doo, but I nose one thing I would doo. Rastus : Whut iz datf Samho: D at grave-yard, nigger, would be in anuther county fum me in less dan fifteen min- utes, caze I sho would be flyin no quicker dan I sees da gost. Whut would you doo under dem curcumstances? Rastus: I would be in da nex county beyand you in less dan ten minutes an no bullet could cotch me. Samho : How you lack dat? Rastus : I sees whar you an me iz bof e right, nig- ger. 79 EPIGRAMS AND SEKMONETTES UNCLE WASH Uncle Wash Smith was hauling a load of dry lumber to town for Col. Harvy Houston. While driving along another negro, Buster Hughes, came along and wanted to ride. ^^ Hello Uncle Wash, I wants tur ride to town." ^^Well hop in.'' After going some distance, Hughes thought he would twist the mules' tails to make them go faster, so he did. No sooner than he twisted the tails, the mules kicked the pipe out of his mouth and set the lumber on fire. 80 EPIGRAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S After working with Hughes and one of the mules awhile, Uncle Wash goes into a drng store at the edge of town, and says: ^'Mister, I wants to nze da fome, please sur. Hello, I wants to speak wid Col Harvy Houston, please mam. Iz dis you Col? Please mam give da phome to Col Houston. Iz dat you Col Houston? Well, dis iz ole Wash. Yo ole Wash. Da nigger whut hauls fur you. Yes sur Col, ole Wash. Col Houston, whut I wants to speak wid you bout iz dis : Az I wuz cumin to town wid dat load uv lumber, a nigger axed me to let him ride, an I dun so. Well, you know dat fool nigger twist da mules tails widout sayin nothin to me, an da fotch-up all at wunce, and kick him plum off en da wagon, an lack to kill im too. Yes sur, I dun laid him out in da grass, but his head iz all bloody and skint up. Yes sur, da doctor workin wid him now, and say dat da iz sum hopes fur him yit. No sur, I nuver dun nuthin, da mules kick too quick fur dat. Col whut I call you fur, mosely, wuz to no whut to do bout da mule, Jim, he near bout dead too, da hair dun all burnt offen da tail an mose uv da body. Ole Betts. She all right, nuthen matter wid her. No sur, da wagon an lumber dun burn up long-go. Yes sur, dat all.'' Aunt Mariah iz you da wife uv Uncle Rastus Jones, whut live on Huif street? Yassum, ize da 81 EPIGEAMS AND S E E M O N B T T E S wun, yassum he da wun Im married tub, and lies a goodun too. I dun been liven wid Mm soon be guine on fifty an odd yers now. We wuz married reckly arter da Civul War. We has six cbildun, da oldes wun iz plum grown. Yassum, ize da wun. Pears tur me lack I nose you? My name Lois Little, wbut live nex bouse to da bridge des beyand you. Glad tur meet wid you Miss Little, I thought yo face look a familar semblance. Well er-a, I mus be guine. Good bye. I'll be seein you sum mo. 82 EPIGKAMS AND SERMONETTES PAESON JACKSON {In A Vigorous Sermon.) Explains how the African race became black and the servants of others. Brnthnrn and Sisturn : I wants to speak wid yon dis mornin, bout how you and me wuz made black. You will find my tex in da 9th chapter of Genesis, and the 25th verse, which reads as follows: ^^ Cursed be Canaan, a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.^' Accordin to dis blessed book, my friends, da wuz wunce a great flood upon dis earth, wharin all da people wuz drown, cepten Noah and his family, con- 83 EPIGBAMS AND S E B M O N E T T E S sisten uv Noah, Ms wife, his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japeth, an da wives. Soon after da Ark rested on da mountain, an da waters all dried up, so dat da dry land appeared, Noah an his family begin to raise grapes an uther vegebles. Noah got mighty drunk pon dis grape- juice an lay down on da floor, or on da grown. Ham, da younges son saw him layin dar, and fear en he might cotch cold, tole da uther two to kiver up da ole man, an da did. Now, when Noah wake up, somehow he got mighty mad dat he wuz kivered up, an enquirin aroun, he found out dat Ham wuz spon- sible, den he commence to cuss Ham as explaind in da tex which I read to you. He tole Ham dat he should be da servant uv Shem an Japeth. Now dat iz dest azactly why you an me iz black here dis mornin, as Ham wuz our ancester, but you will see frum da readin matter, dat we wuz turned black widout any scuce at all. Ham, when he axed his bruthurs to kiver up da ole man he wuz doin uv a good deed, an-a doin uv no rong. Ef you wuz to see any body drunk, layin on da grown, I nose you would do dest whut Ham dun, fur it would be doin a christin act, an a showin da christin spirit, wouldnt it— course it would. Now you ken see fum da history of da case, dat we wuz turn black widout any cause whutsonever an dat we 84 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES has been made da servants of da ehilden uv Shem an Japeth ever sense, who is da white people you see all round you, and dem you wurks fur. You will notice anuther important thing in da chapter containin uv my tex, an dat iz, dat before Noah got drunk, an cussed Ham, dat Ham wuz dest as white as Noah or da uther two sons, in uther words, dat we wuz wunce dest as white, bless da good Lord, as any uv da white folks — yes we wuz ! You will notice still another thing fum dis same chapter, thank da Lord an dat iz, dat dese three boys uv Noah, wuz full bruthurs. Now whut you git outen dat? You gits dis, bless God, you gits dis, dat weuns an da whites wuz bruthurn an sisturn. Now, ef we wuz bruthurn an sisturn den, we iz still bruthurn an sisturn aint we? (A good old black sister jumped up and shouted: '^ Thank God, bro Jackson, thank God, you dun tole da whole trufe, Amen.") Now bruthurn an sisturn whut has you got to be ashamed uv. Nuthen at all, thank God, nuthen at all, but when you knows dat you wuz put in dis condition widout any cause, an dat you iz still kin- folks to da whites, dest da same as ef you never had been turned black, an further-than-mo, dat you iz dest as good as da iz, den let us rejoice evermo. 85 EPIGEAMS AND SERMONETTES (Several men and women here jumped up and shouted: ^^ Thank God brother Jackson, thank God you dun tole da whole truf, thank God Amen! We always knowed we wuz dest as white, cepten da skin, an dest as good as any body, bless God, Amen.'') NOTE: It is both unscriptural and illogical to say that ^'God cursed Ham and he became the head of the African race. ' ' It was Noah who cursed Ham, but there is no authority for saying that Ham became black. Noah could not have turned him black, but suppose he did, he would have to turn Mrs. Ham black, too, but he never cursed Mrs. Ham. God made all the races of men. Annie, did you hear bruther Jackson preach out at Shilow Church yistidy? Nome, but I dun hearn bout it already. Wuz you dar? Yes, an I tells you he sho did tell it out. You know whut he said? I dono all da things whut he said but I hearn sum uv dem. Whut did he sayf Well ur-a, he said dat da reason we iz black wuz caze ole Noah got drunk an cussed Ham an turn him black — dats why! Well, whut we got to do foolin wid Ham — who is he any how? Well, Annie, Ham wuz ur-a wun uv da ances- ters, hunny. I dono nuthen bout no sich things as ancesters, but I knows wun thing, dat ize black, dest caze ize black, dats all, Ham ur no Ham. 86 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES Da tells me dat Bro Jackson sho did stir dem nig- gers up, at SMlow last Sunday. Da now sez dat da aint niggers nomo, but da guine call dimselves dark- skin-white-folks, an dat da used to be white-folks sho-nuff, an dat sum drunk man turn um black. I knows wun tbing, an dat iz, dat my heart iz dest as white as any white folks heart — dats da trufe, sho as God made little apples — ^bless God, it sho iz. Uncle Andy, iz you dun beam bout how Bro Jackson stur-up all da niggers when he preach out at Shilow sum two weeks ago 1 Yassum, I hearn bout it, but you no wun thing f Whut? I dont bleves nuthin lack whut he said bout dat Ham busi- ness. Dont you no nigger, aint you got sense nutf to no, dat a fool drunk man cant have da power to turn a man black! An ef he did have da power, he would have tub turn Misses Ham black too, caze ef he didnt da would be no black childuns, an da Bible dont say he turn Misses Ham black. I dont bleves whut da preacher said bout it, no I dont. I bleves I ize black dest caze ize black, dats all, an dat da good Lord made us dat way. 87 EPIGRAMS AND S E B M N iS T T E S LIFERS JOURNEY All along Life's public highway, From the cradle to the grave, Many millions now are going — Some to sink and some to save. When Life's journey shall have ended, And the mortal turns to clay, The soul eternal hath ascended. There to meet on judgment day. When the judgment shall be rendered. And each soul its place assigned. Where, my brother, shall thine be, Where shall mine be then confined. With Jehovah and the Angels, Christ our Savior, all of them. May our spirits ever mingle In the New Jerusalem. 88 EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES ESTATE OF MAN Eespecting the estate of man some things may well be told, He worships at the throne today, tomorrow thirsts for gold; Truth and justice here proclaim— there cheats his fellow man. Seeks to live an honest life, yet serves old Satan best he can. An honest and a truthful man to all who hear him talk, He'd have you clearly understand he's that in daily walk; Follow him by land and sea, observe closely where he goes. With these to-day and honest set, to-night a faded rose. The cur when caught in mischief will cower and will fear, Man detected of a crime, defies, pricks up his ear; As if defiance bold and strong, could serve to make aright. The honesty of purpose today and sin again tonight. 89 EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES Tis well that all who come and go be not of this lone sphere, For only the exception, not the rule, is contemplated here ; Unholy and unrighteous love, a deadly poison true, Enemy alike of all mankind, from sin alone it grew. 90 EPIGRAMS AND SERMONETTES PASSING TIDE. Christmas-tide hath come ere long, Children's hearts have leaped with song; Joyous greetings have been exchanged, Between, among, the millions prearranged. Santa, with reindeer swift and strong. Hath made his rounds among the throng; To gladden hearts, to help the poor. And cheer the children again once more. The year so glorious is dying now. It's done its work, let's shroud its brow; Prepare the corpse with gentle hands. Bury it with love — these are demands. There's the dawn of another year. Let's greet it friends, and bid good cheer; Name the babe in swaddling clothes. Let's name it now before it grows. It's crawling, leaping — watch it bound, Stand back, stranger, hear the sound; Winter, spring-time, birds and flowers, Leaves of gold and frost-bit bowers. 91 EPIGRAMS AND S E R M O N E T T E S THE POOL HATH SAID The fool hath said, and others like him, may continue thus to say, There is no life, no hope, no light, there is no eternal day; When death forsooth, the dragon monster, plucks life from out its house of clay. Beyond the tomb there's naught but sleep, no birds, no flowers, springtime or May. Why dost thou reason thus, my brother, see yon towering mountain bold. From whence hath come that ugly monster, with topmost peak in regions cold ; From out some tempest wild and furious, tempest back in days of old. Hath come this mighty, rugged monster, whose weight exceedeth all earth's gold? Hast thou not heard the pealing thunders, bursting from the clouds aglow, Hast thou not seen the flashing lightnings, fleeting storms and falling snow; See those twinkling stars up yonder, how the light runs to and fro. Dost thou not know the earth is turning, hath thou not watched the flowers grow? 92 EPIGRAMS AND SEEMONETTES Hast thou not seen the Sun at morning, rising as the kind of day, Dispensing light, and heat, and glory, sweeping westward on his way; From whence, think ye, from whence this glory, by whom, and when, oh brother, say. From whence doth come this heat dispenser, always sending forth his ray? Watcheth thou not the moon at evening, changing empress of the night. Hath thy footsteps not been guided, by her rays of silver light; Dost thou think her changing faces, from quarter one to fullness bright. Only mishaps in her glory, fickle changes with no power of might? Stop, my brother, be still a moment, where were these when thou wert born ; Whence the maker, when cometh the author, search out the cause of early morn. There is but one eternal teacher, whose hand the universe did form; He who made thee, made moon and mountain, sun and cloud, and snow and storm. 93 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Wit, Humor, Sarcasm, Philosophy 97 COPYRIGHT 1917 By JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON 98 99 THE AUTHOR HAS PLEASURE IN NOW INTRODUCING TO THE PUBLIC MR. HAMMIE SMOOGLES FROM PERSIA AND MESOPOTAMIA, THE FATHER OF THE SMOOGLES FAMILIES, WHO WILL NOW ENTERTAIN YOU WITH WIT, HUMOR AND PHILOSOPHY IN HIS OWN WAY, AND IN HIS OWN PECULIAR DIALECT. YOU VILL PLEASE OXCUSE MY PARDONS, AND DER LANGUAGES VICH I SPEAK MIT YOU, LADIES AND GEENTLEMENS, AND I ISS GLAD TO HAFE YOU MEET MIT ME, VUNCE. 100 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I vos alvays der yoongest off twelf childens, six mit my mndders side, four mit my farders side, and two mit both sides, and vile I vos born late mit life, I vos alvays mooch proud off my nativities, yes. Ven I sees a man building a crooked vence out off straight rails, I sayes Hammie, dot man iss vun fools. Nefer build any ting crooked, ven you hafe straight tings mit vich to build, no. It has €oome to my mind freequent- ty often about der black man mit der Kingdom, if he vould be black and hafe beautiful black vings, ass der vite angels vould hafe der vite vings, and also if der color- lines vould mooch tight be drawn, yes. Ber saddest ting mit tongue or pen iss der leetle words : I cood hafe been, yes. 101 HAMMIE SMOOGLES A goot reputations, vich it take a long time strong to estableesh, and vich iss moore valuable den mooch gold, may be ruined mit a day by slanderous tongues and foul-mouth peeples, yes. Ven Eve gife dot opples to Adam, der old scound- rell nefer efen left Eve der core vunce, but maybe der vos no core, der Biples doont sayes, no. Hammie sayes : Uncle Sam, doont you tink der heap- best place vare to bury der Kaiser vould be close-near to der toomb-monu- ment off der Wash- ingtons, so der Gov- ernment oood keep close-votch mit him? I vill help you too doo der bury-act, yes. Uncle Sam: I think your suggestion good, and while countless millions throughout the civilized world, are eager to do the same service, I shall with pleasure allow you to do your bit. 102 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der down-shot off der whole trooth mit der cocoa- nut iss, dot ven a mans iss a blame fools, he iss a blame fools, but ven he iss no fools at all, he iss eentirely too mooch smart, derfore mans reely has no goot sense, yes. Vunce soome years ago, I rode mit der Slow Train Through Arkansas, and it yoost run so slow dot der cooplin-pin drop out, and before ve know der deeference, der pool-eengine vos avay down der track. I sayes : Meester condooctor, how far iss it mit der Leetle Eocks? He sayes: Sixty-nine miles. I sayes: Ven vill ve got mit der ceety? He sayes: Day after to-morrow. I sayes: By George I vill valk, vunce. 103 HAMMIE SMOOGL.es Ven a leetle boy I played mit udder childens, and ve vould soometimes cotch der calfs mit der tails, yoost to see dem switch and roon, but vunce I cotched vun mit der tails, and lie rooned mit me down der lane a long deestance, vile I cood not let loose off der tail-holts, no. 104 HAMMIE SMOOGLES How greatly mooch-pleasing it iss to remeember der funny leetle tings vich happened ven ve vos chil- dens vnnce, and how for eenstance ve votched der hens and der gooses lay der eggs, and how ven she lay, ve run fast-quick and make her get off der nest, dot ve may run hoome mit der eggs, yes. I often vunder if der leetle lightening-bugs hass a dry or vet stoorage batterys, mit vich to stoore avay der lightenings vich he make, and also how he strike- der-match vich start der lightening-fires, yes. How mooch unsatisfactory and unbeauteeful it iss to meet and meengle mit peeples vich iss to-day your friends, and to-moorrow your eenemys, whose vord you tink you know to-day, but on to-moorrow you find dot you mooch meesunderstand, yes. Natures iss a mooch vunderful tings, ven you tink mit vot it iss. For eenstance, der snakes, vich hafe no legs, nor tiny feets, can run yoost ass fast ass der catties vioh hafe mooch legs and feets, yes, but vile der catties can valk ass veil ass run, der poor leetle snakeys, dey can- not valk a tall, no. 105 Hammie sayes : Uncle, let us bury der Kaiser vide- and-deep, mit der dirt-ground, ass lie may vant to coome-out and fitt soome-moore soon again, vunce. Uncle Sam: Never mind, my boy, the nations will bury him so deep that he will never come out again. Hammie : Dot iss der oonly vay. I yoost cannot nefer misunderstood vye he hafe no horns and forked-tails, no. 106 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I haf e alvays big ambeetions to fly mit der elements like der birds, and ven I die, according to der doc- trins off Socrates, I may go into der form off soome birds, bees, and ndder tings. I hope a great deal, dot I vill not be der boozards nor der hoot-owls, but der mocking-birds or der hooney-bees, yes. Ber only reel deeference between a goot mans and a bad mans iss der Devel. If der Devels voss no moore, den all der mans vould be goot, yes. If der vos no Devels, der vonld be no teemptations to alvays keep der married mans in hot vater, no. I vill be mooch glad ven der old Devels iss dead and buried mit der fires, yes. I tink dot it iss a great calameety vich iss mit der childens and der peeples, dot der goot Lord, did not make us mit der same leetle lightening-batterys mit vich He made der lightening-bugs for if He had, ve cood yoost travel any vares mit der darkest-nights like der bugs, mitout hafing to carry der lamps, yes. Soome vimmens hafe der dead-vood on soome off der udder vuns, for dey can yoost throw vun solem fit after annudder, mitout any preeperations at all, vile der udder vuns moost vork-up der fits vich dey throw, yes. 107 HAMMIE SMOOGLE MAEY AND DER LAMB (Der only poems vich I cood wrote) 108 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Mary vos a sheepish girl, She had a leetle lamb vunce, And efery vare dot Mary vent, Dot lamb, he sure voot go, yes. Mary vent mit school vnn day, Der lamb, he vent along too, Yen der childens saw der lamb, Dey vent vild mit hiss fleece, yes. Ven der lamb vos vashed mooch clean. His fleece vos vite like der frost, But ven he vos not vashed clean, Der childens played not mit him, no. Der teecher made Mary took der lamb hoome. But soome off der childens cried. So der teecher let Mary keep der lamb, Mit school annudder day. Dot iss all Mit der lamb now, so go-along, vunce. 109 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles and me had twelf cMldens, but vun day seex off dem vos killed mit der falling off der cheemney by oxcedent, and it vos yoost two years later dot leetle Hanunie sooicided mit two fence rails sqneesing bim mit death, so now ve hafe fife, yes. If you sayes dot you vill not reed my book unless I tell you mit vot coontry I vos born, I vill tell you now, dot I vill not do dot. I iss no fools, I vill not slander der coontry dot gife my nativities, no. Moost alvays idle, iss der brains off soome peeples, and der heads off der same peeples should be adver- tised For Eent mit der press-papers off der ceety, dot dey may be off soome use mit der pooblioks, yes. 110 HAMMIE SMOOGLBS r^"^- I hafe alvays had moocla sympatliy mit der hopp-toads, and der frogs. Der poor tings, dey hafe no clothes at all, bnt go naked all der time, and vile dey hafe feet and legs like der udder catties, yet dey can neether crawl nor valk, but yoost hafe to joomp head-fooremost all der time, yes. I hafe mooch beelief s mit der doctrins vich sayes : Vnnce a mans and twice a childs, for ven I vos a childs great attentions vos paid me, but not mooch seense, so I shall hail mit deelights, der time ven I shall again get der pettings and der sweet keesings, yes. It iss alvays moore better to liff mit, or deal mit der stranger den mit der reelatif-kin vich ve hafe, ass der stranger oxpects to pay for vot he get, but der kin-reelatif, no. I alvays mooch vish dot I vos a bird, or soome anemals and tings, because der birds and der anemals vara der same suit all der year round, and need no shoes nor hats and tings, to be alvays buying mit der stores, no. Ill HAMMIE SMOOGLES Two tings cause me moore anxieeties and amuse- ments den all udder mit deese life. Vun iss der vay der beely goat hass off valking der pooblic lanes off der ceety, mit hiss leetle tails straight up mit der eelements ; and, der udder iss der vay der yoong mans pants doont coome mit der shoe-tops. Both off der blame tings should be arreested and put mit der goat- deepartment off der life peneetentiary, yes. Hafing vatched der childens mit der foolish play- ings and no vork at all for many years, I hafe coome mooch to der concloosions dot dey iss not after all, sooch a great improovements ofer der grown-up peeples, no. If you like mooch deese leetle books and vant agencees and tings, or vant to tells me how you like, write a quick-letter mit der telegram-vires and tell der vire-man to seend der blame bill to me efery month, yes. 112 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I beelief dot if old man Jones vould gif e hiss yoong soon Villie, all der mooneys vich yoong Villie vant, dot der blame yoong-goat, vould buy seventeen new automobeels mit vun day, and der next day ride efery vun off dem mit death and destrooction. Vot der yoong fellow ^C^!!^^^"^*^ needs moore den any ting else, iss not goot seense, but moore-room, yes. If ve vould do yoost vot ve tink iss right, dot iss vot der conscience sayes, der vould not be mooch meenness, no. But insteed off doing vot der con- science sayes, ve do vot ve blame-pleese right or wrong, yes. I sayes mit Meeses Smoogles i Mudder, vot iss der name off der third soon? She sayes : Look mit der book, Hammie, and doont bodder me, vunce. I den take der book from der pockets, and find der name, yes. Ve hafe so meeny childens vich haf e sooch hard names, dot I can not alvays deesremember dem, no. Vun iss name Hammie, yes, I alvays remeember dot vun, and annudder iss Carooso, annudder Marteen- ela, annudder Hermann, and ven I hafe der book, I can alvays tink up der udder vuns, yes. 113 HAMMIE SMOOGLBS 1 iiafe mooch strong beeliefs mit der doctrins off der eerly bird oatching der vurms. My ehildens vos all born eerly mit life and hafe alvays been yoost full off der blame-vnrms, yes. You can fool soome off der peeples all off der time, all off der peeples soome off der time, but you cant fool soome off der peeples and all off der peeples mit der same time, no. I frequently often vish I cood valk yoost ass light and soft ass der cat or der rabbet, but I vould not like to hafe to bow-up my back almoost double like der cat, efery time I get mad and vant to cry, nor vould I like der long-ears off der rabbet, so I vill yoost re- main der man vich I iss, yes. Der reeson dot lead vill sink ven you throw it mit '^^ der vaters, iss not beecause der lead iss heafier den der vaters, no, but beecause der vaters iss lighter den der lead, yes. 114 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der heap moore you do for your own peeples, your reelatifs or your friends, der less may be ox- pected off dem vunce, for soon dey vill coonclude you should do mooch-moore den you iss, yes. Not so mit der stranger, no. Ven you lend a kin-re el at if soome mooney, vich he osk mit you, and you osk reequest for der pay ven der same coome due, you vill moost-alvays make an eenemy, ass no pay iss oxpected to be made mit him, and ven you sayes, pay interest too, you iss in great-danger off beeing turned out off your own house, yes. Ve hafe had soome kin-ree-latifs lifing and board- ing mit us for seeveral years vunce. Der longer moore ve keep dem der heap mooch-moore-trouble- some dey iss, and der mooch less mooneys ve get mit der troubles. I beeliefs dot if ve keep dem mooch longer, nottings oxcept a few neekles vill dey pays, no. Mooch peeples hafe soometimes a piece off an idea, and at udder times a nudder piece, but sel- dom vunce hafe a whoole idea, no. If der same peeples vare to hafe a whoole idea pop into der mind mitout notice, der vould be vun solem death mit der famely, yes. 115 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der character off der voman, like dot off der bank, iss vun sacred tings mit her, and if she loose it vnnce, she may like der bank, nef er be able to regain vot she loose. How mooch wrong and veeked it iss to at- teempt to deestroy der characters off eether, and der only vnn vich vonld doo sooch a tings, vould be der lowest-down off der catties, yes. Ven der sly-fox look up mit der bell, he sayes : A long tongue, a hollow head, a heap of fuss and nothing said. Deese sayings iss mooch applecable to many mans and vomans vich yon know, and vich should be mit der life peniteentiary for a vile, to train der tongues, yes. Tings iss no moore ass dey use to vos, no. Ven my anceesters vos a boy, der yoong mans vore toe pants insteed off breeches, and der yoong vomans vore cotton dresses insteed off short seelk skeerts. T tink der vorld iss soon cooming mit its last-eend, yes. 116 HAMMIE SMOOGLES In going mit der ceety lanes on yeesterday, I heard vun geentleman sayes mit annuder vnn: I moved my boarding house last week. I cood not hafe beeliefs mit der statements, and sayes : How big vos der house, Meester? and he sayes: Two stories and nine rooms. I can not now beelief hiss say- ings, no. Meester James Calvin Hooper off Dallas, Texas, vich wrote der moost classic off all poems, mit der book Portinia, iss vnn poem-pen-pnsher, and vun red-bird-seenger off der deep forests off tall-teem- bers, and ven he seeng der Portinia-Song, he seet mit der highest-up leembs, yes. I do not tink dot der iss any tings mateerial mit deese universe to coompare mit der beauteeful yoong voman vich hass a sweet and lufing deespositions, and vich iss honest and thoroughly troothful mit her deelings mit her fellow-mans and her fellow-vomans. She iss a jewel off great price, yes. I met mit a breecher recently soon vich vos der ugliest man I efer see, but he vos vun goot man. I hafe often vundered seence, yoost how he vould look mit der kingdom ass an angel, and dot if he look mooch like he do now, dot he vould scare to death quick soome off der udder sweet angels, yes. 117 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I hafe great beeliefs mit der vise Biple sayings, vich sayes : Der eerly bird catch- es der blame vurm. If der visdom off deese reemark apply mit beesness, der far- mer, vich iss alvays up early, vould be yoost-full off vurms, yes. Ven I look goot mit a mule and a moonkey, and see how der deeference iss, I vender mooch vye ve iss made so deeferent ass ve-iss, but I soopose it iss on account off der constrooction, yes. It iss moost hard to tell der deeference between der leetle boys and der leetle girls, for all iss leetle girls vile dey vare der skeerts; but ven der leetle boy-girl put on der nee-breeches she den becoomes a reel leetle-boy, yes. Der iss nottings mooch moore delightful mit deese vorld den to know dot der iss many goot, honest, and troothful peeples mit it ; .and, dot soome off deese iss your lufing and indoolgent friends. Mooch off der joy coomes from der beeliefs dot deese friends vill alvays be your friends, rich or poor, sick or veil, dead or alife, yes. 118 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I do not like der vind any moore mit der vinter, cause ven I raise up my head at night der cold vind doont vait a minit, but yoost rooshes mit der place dot make me cold, yes. Ven I sees a man mit a stoove-pipe hat on, and a beeg diamond stud mit der froont off der shirt, I alvays keep my eye mit der man because I speecions him, yes. It iss no sateesfactions votefer to hafe friends, vich ven dey hear soometings deroogatory mit you, although der may not be vun-trooth mit it, vill not coome to you mit der stoory, but vill yoost shrink avay from you, becooming cool mit demseelf s. Avay mit friendsheeps like deese for der iss no reel friend- sheeps off any kind mit dem for any bodys at all, no. If all off der no-count peoples vos kilt, and all off der half-nocount peoples vos hurried, deir vould be sooch a small-few left dot der moost off dem vould coommit-suicide before der vater got hot, yes. Ven der yoong man run up and down against der hardsheeps off deese life, he vill mooch often find a strong vind-gale blowing mit his face, and if he doont look-sharp he vill loose hiss hat, mit der meex-up, yes. 119 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der first important event mit der life off der yoong lady iss der deepluma from der female -girl college. Der next important event iss der cooming- out party, vich iss to notify der yoong men, vieh vare der tight-coats and short-breeches, dot she iss full- reedy for der coortsheeps off matrimoony, yes. Off all der anemals, bugs and tings, der blamed long- eared doonkey takes all der pudden. He iss yoost so lazy dot he care nottings how he moove aronnd, a;nd if he efer moove at all, no. It iss a great vnnder dot ven he sleep, he iss not too- mooch-lazy to vake up no more, vunce. Vun off der cheef reasons vye udders iss not in- terested mit you, may be because you iss not in- terested mit udders. Human natures iss largely based upon der proposition : You do mooch mit me, and I vill do soome mit you, yes. It iss not der mans nor der vomans vich drink der leequers vich iss alvays der vuns eentoxicated, no. A great many mans and vomans iss droonk mit soome soobjects mitout efer using leequers, yes. 120 HAMMIE SMOOGLES How gloriously refreshing and how beautifully captivating it iss to meet and meengle mit peeples vich hafe bright seentillating minds, and sweet un- seelfish spirits, whose friendsheeps iss moore valu- able den mooch-gold, and whose vord iss notting but der plain-truth, yes. I vant often to sayes deese leetle prayers : Hafe meercy oh Lord, mit der friends vich ve hafe and teech dem to be alvays friends, and to alvays speek mit der trooth, and not speek goot mit us to-day, and bad beehind der back to-morrow. Amen, yes. It iss heep mooch funny to see der American female- lady folks primp-up- and-down so mooch, peencil der brows, see dot der lips iss /: on straight, put on der powder thick, and yoost ass few clothes and ass short vuns ass der I law vill sanction, be- fore going out mit der blowing-breezes, yes. 121 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der blackmailer iss vun off der voorst characters vich iss allowed to haf e an oxeestence, and iss moore dangerous mit mankind den a thousand rattlesnakes, yes. Vun-third off my time iss spent trying to keep my friends mit a goot humor mit me; annudder vun- third in trying to keep my enemees mit der proper deestance, so dey may remain enemees; and, an- nudder vun-third in trying to keep myseelf mit goot speeking terms mit myseelf. So dot I hafe leetle- time mit vich to improove der situations off my con- ditions, no. I stepped mit a drug- store soome time soon, and a middle aged geentleman answered der telefone. Ven he leestened, a vomans voice vos heard. He sayes: Wait a second please. He thereupon snatched hiss hat off and sayes : Now, mam what is it? Deese man iss een- tirely too poolite to lif mit a free coontry, and should hafe been hurried long beefore he vos born, yes. 122 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I met der old Devil vun night mit der big road and der moon-lights. He breestled up to me mit hiss long horns and waving forked-tail, and mit mooch foam mit der mouth. I sayes: You cannot scare me mit your horns and forked-tail. I iss yoost ass mean ass you, and I ought to hafe horns and two forked tails, yes. Yen he hurd deese, der red scoundrel flued mit der moon-lights, yes. I nefer cood mees- understand correctly yoost how der moon iss soometimes so full, and soometimes so leetle - and - thin, mit der heavens, hut I sooppose it moost ^^E; be on account off der ^ sizes off der moon at deeferent times, yes I hafe often been osked many times vunce, vare did I coome from. I vill now sayes vare : I vos boorn early mit life on my mudders side, mit der coontrys off Mesopotamia, and at der same time on my farders side, mit der coontrys off Persia. Deese iss der coontrys off my nativities, and alvays vill be, yes. 123 HAMMIE SMOOGLES New York, U. S. A., Oct. 1, 1917. My Deer Mrs. Smoogles:— Dot you may not be unalarmed at deese, I vill tell you dot I iss your hoosband vot bass lift mit you so long and mit so moocb bappiness, yes. I vill now sit myself up, and wrote you vun leetle letter, from deese great ceety, vicb iss so big and so bigb, and mit vicb so many peeples lif and moove and bass der beings, yes. You vill reecall dot I bafe now been avay from you soometimes, my tarlings, and from dose pree- oious leetle Smoogles vicb ve so moocb luff, and vicb iss our own leetle cbildens, yes. Ven I left boome, I boarded a train, and put out for deese great ceety, and I rode on dot same trains — I do not mean dot I rode on top off der trains no, my dear, but in dem yes — dot iss a sayings off der peeples vicb dey do not mean — and at last I arrift mit der Voldorf Hotel Astoria, vare I am very pleas- antly and uncomfortably seetuated, yes. I visb to tell you soometings mit dose darling leetle Smoogles, vicb I do not vant you to fail to forget to do, yes. I vant you efery moornings, ven der leetlest Smoogles vakes, to gife Mm first vun bot glass off vater, yoost ass bot ass be can stand it, den take bim up mit your preecious arms and reemind bim off biss far-away farders, and say soome sweet tings 124 HAMMIE SMOOGLES mit me and him, and please doont fail to forget deese efery moornings till I coome hoome vimoe. Der iss many strange tings about deese ceety, vnn iss dot der houses iss so high-up from der ground, soome off dem yoost scrape der sky, dey iss so tail-up, and deese iss called der sky-scrapers, yes. Der iss many off deese kind off beeldings vioh hafe rooms and tings avay up mit der heavens, yes. Ass I hafe now wrote too mooch off a pleenty, I vill stop up, and vishing you and yours mooch goot happiness till you see me, I am moost loofingly, Your hoosband, HAMMIE SMOOGLES. Vot an easy ting it iss and how often engaged in, yet how unchreestian, for peeples to oxpouse der cause off deir friends against der cause off all udder peeples, ven der Chreestian doctreens teach dot ve should be goot and just mit all, and no reespecter off persons mit any. Ven ve oxpouse der cause off der vun, ve vork against der eenterest off der udder vun, ven ve should not vork against der eenterest off any vun, but oxpouse der goot cause off all, yes. Ven a man does you a meeschiefs, and in explain- ing vye he did, and you cannot meesunderstand his explanations to your deessatisfactions, it iss time to coome to blows mit him, and settle-it-up, vunce. 125 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der fire department broke-out der udder night, and destroyed whole blocks off houses and tings, and ven der wheezles blow, dot mean dot der coontrol vos under-der-fire all right, and der vagons dey yoost put-back to der engine stalls. Der vos no moore fire, no. Meeses Smoogles sayes: Vye iss it Hammie, dot der Devels under der earth hafe horns and a forked tails, ven so many off der peeples on top off der earth do not dress der same vay? I sayes: You do not seem to yet meesunderstand der dupleecities off der peeples, no. If der devels above der earth vos to put on der correct clothes, der udder peeples vould soon immeediately know who-ve-iss, yes, but in order to practice dupleecities, ve moost not vare der horns nor der tails, no. 126 1 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I vos valking mit der ceety lane yeesterday, ven I coome to many peeples mit vnn place. I sayes : Vot iss der matters, please? Vun man sayes: A billy goat ran over an automobile. I sayes: Vot iss der kerlameetesf He sayes : One crippled goat, one bruised up automobile and two people killed. I sayes : Mine got ! Vot a happenings iss deese, yes. Avay back yoonder, een olden times, ven der glad- iators fought mit bools and tings, der peeples vos so eenterested mit funs, dot dey yoost had no time at all for beesness and troobles and tings, but took der vorld ass vun grand circus-show-rings, yes 127 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Vun moornings my son Caruso vos loafing mit der house, ven mit voice oxcitements I sayes: Caruso, vye iss it dot you doo not follow mit der feet-steps off your farders, and get mit you vun quick-move mit beesness, I iss oxtonislied mit you! Vun hour after deese sayings, I sayes to der doctor : Vot you tink? He sayes: He is resting easier, and I think he will soon get over the shock and be up again. I sayes : Tanks mit pleasures, I hope so, yes. Tole me quick, vunce ! Ven, vill der ceevilized white peeples efer learn to quit deese tings off fight- ing each udder mit death, and learn to hafe soome real goot hard seense. Der blame foolishness hass been going on now too long and too often, and der first and second ting you know der yeellow race vill rool der whoole blame vorld, yes. If der mans and vomans vould alvays be found mit der coompany off goot peeples, dey vould nefer be caught mit der stell-traps off der slanderers and black-mailers, vich iss alvays setting sooch traps, yes. Efery boody plays but daddy. Deese iss vun goot sayings mit der preesent times. Ven daddy iss veil mit der harness, den efery body else iss mooch ready for der moovies, base-balls, plays and tings, yes- 128 HAMMIE SMOOGLES If der girl vot chews mooch vax and puts on moore paint den she does clothes, vould yoost hafe her dress pooled a leetle moore too-soon, she vould be vun red-ripe peach ; and der boys vich hafe der short- breeches, could stand mooch longer mit der corners off der ceety lanes, mit anteecipated pleasures, yes. Vun deeference between der mule and der man iss, dot you hafe to get behind der mule before he keek you, der man no, but both vill look mooch-in- noceence yoost before he keek, yes. Ven der yoong man vich iss mooeh fond off sports and tings, goes out mit his guns for to game-hunt, he vill al- vays take goot aim- sight before he pull der treegers, dot he may be mooch-sure off vun death ven he shoot ; but ven der same yoong man goes out to hunt-sooc- cess mit life, he doont seem to care mooch, and he does not sight at all beef ore he pull der treegers, no. 129 HAMMIE SMO OGLES I vent mit der book-store on yeesterday and osked iff der Eeview off Reviews had coome-in yet, and der book-man sayes: It has not come-out yet. I sayes : Vot I vish to know iss ven it coome in, not ven it vent out, you doont seem to meesunderstand, and mit deese sayings, and soome bad humors, I valked meeself out, vunce. Der cheef deeference between der American man and all udder anemals iss, dot der udder anemals alvays lie mit der side, but der man lies moooh stand- ing, yes. My observations instruct me, dot it iss alvays moore-best, ven you sees a man and hiss vife quar- reling-mooch mit each udder, to yoost keep yourself avay from dem, or you may soon be meexed-up moore den a pleenty mit both oif dem, yes. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, doont you tink dot der vimmens iss moost beautifully-pretty, ven dey primp-up-and-down so mooch! I sayes: I vill tole you how dot iss, mudder. Der iss nottings so beautiful and lovely, mit der universe, ass der vim- mens especially, ven dey iss modest and retiring, and I yoost adore all off dem, but tink dot der eem- bodyments off my ideals iss-you, and dot you iss der prettiest and loveliest off dem all, vunce. 130 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der selfishness mit der human famelees iss vun off der greatest off all sins, vich cood mooch be avoided. Ven der leetle child iss first born early in life, der mudder, der neighbors and all, make so mooch off der leetle ting, by keesings and pettings, dot by der time der leetle ting iss eight years old, it hass like a spoonge, absorbed so-mooch-selfishness, dot it vill take seeventy-fife years for der selfishness to evaporate, yes. It iss alvays moore goot dot ve see onrseelfs ass our neighbors vill see ns, and ven ve doo, veil, ve iss not mooch stuck mit ourseelf s, no. 131 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Many peeples practeece and beeliefs mit der doc- treens : I can affoord to be your f reend and pay you mooch attentions, so long ass der iss or may be, a beenefit cooming mit me in dooing so, but ven der time coome ven you cannot be to me vun beenefit, I see no goot-reason, vye I should be your freend any moore, no. Messes Smoogles vos bad-sick vunce and she says : Hammie, I haf e been alvays true mit you, and ven I die, I vill still be true, for I vill not efen look mit annudder mans. I sayes : And I assures you Doodles, dot I vill do der same tings, yes. Ven she hear my sayings mit her, she drop to sleep mit der angels, yes. I tink dot der mule iss der kind- est-hearted off all der catties, oxcept it iss der dog; and if you keep him fed mit mooch corn and oats and tings, he vill not nefer keek you, unless you tweest hiss tails vunce, but if you doo dot, look- sharp, yoost ven you doo der tweest-act, yes. 132 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der street cars and der automobeels keep me all der time mooch poozzled up, mit der vay dey roon so quick-fast. I do not meesunderstand deese leetle fires vich make dem roon and vich dey call elec- treecetes, no. Der longest vay mit der froont-door iss mooch often der shortest vay around der house, yes. For eenstance, to sooccessfully court a damsel, you vill make der greatest-speeds ven you court her all- around many times, yes. I vunder vye der peeples sayes dot I iss vun Iyer, but dey all sayes it. Veil der iss vun consoolations, dot I iss not naturally so. My fadders and my par- ents inheerited it up to me, yes. Der reeson vich make me alvays tink dot der yoong man should fail eerly mit beesness, iss dot my observations teech, dot he vill soon bust mit soome- vay, and I mooch rudder see him bust mit beesness, den settle down vunce. Ven der doctor call mit you, he vill offcoourse soobscribe soome kind off meedicens for you, and if you iss reely seek, you better took vot he lefs, ass you might die sooner, den ven you take hiss meedicens, yes. 133 HAMMIE SMOOGLE Ven I vos a boy a mans vord vos Ms bond, and you cood alvays deepend mit vot be tole you; but now efery fellow iss paddleeng biss own canoo, and doont care moocb-off-a-durn for bow you get on tbrougb life, or wbetber you bafe a canoo mit vicb to paddle, no. Ven a man fly mad and keell you quick, der peeples says be vos crazy mit der brain, and dey vant to gife bim meercy; and, ven der same man coonclude to keell you again, be vill fill up mit leequor, and der same peeples again sayes be vos crazy-droonk, and vant to again gife meercy; but, ven der same man rob a train, or bold-down a bank, der same meerciful-peeples sayes: Send der blame rascal up-for-life, yes. I doo not know vot vould beecoome off deese vorld, if it vos not for der preecbers and der vimmens, ass dey iss der salvations off der peeples. Der men iss alvays engaged mit trying to sell moore goots, ride moore automobeels, or get moore elected mit office, den biss neigbbors, yes. 134 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der first tweenty years off a vomans life iss spent looking mit der glass-mirror admireeng v o t iss ; der next tweenty, try- ing to keep der charms off der first tweenty; and, der last tweenty telling der peeples how beautiful- ly pretty she vos, van she vos a yoong vo- mans, yes. Deese time, I vos brought up mit der coontry a boy-mans, mit der peegs and der cheekens, and doon no mooch ; but der next time I vill be a girl-vomans, and vill vare der thin-stockengs and hafe my cheeks red mit all kinds off der paints and tings, yes. Neepoleon vos a great meeletary geenius, but ass a man not so great. Alexander vos also a great meeletary man, and wept dot he had noo moore na- tions too conquer, but der greatness off Alexander vos moore mit der character off der man heemself, yes. 135 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der deeference between der American mans and der American vomans iss a great mooch. Ven der American mans meet mit a friend, he doont make mooch ofer him, no, and ven he meet mit an eenemy, he yoost bow mit him. Ven der American vomans meet mit a friend, she make heep-mooch, but ven she meet mit an eenemy, she yoost doont see der eenemy, dot iss der deeference, yes. Ven I meet mit a beely goat, mit his leetle tails steeking straight up mit der eelements, I alvays tips my hat. Der' reason iss dot I vant him to know dot I iss a varm friend mit hiss goat- sheeps, for der sake off policees, and also to down a fuss mit him, yes. keep Seence cooming ofer mit deese coontry, I see a great deal off peoples vich seem to know moore mit udder-peeples beesness, den dey know mit der oon, and dey hafe mooch deelights mit telling vot dey know, and mooch-moore too, yes. 13:6 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Moore den a pleenty, I like to see der peeples ride mit beautiful automobeels and tings, if dey iss enough veil off to liafe dem, mitout putting mort- gages mit deemselfs and der propertes vich dey iss supposed to haf e ; but ven dey haf e to doo der mort- gage-act first, it iss no goot to doo der udder vun last, ass der reel pleasures vill go busted, and nottings vill be left, oxcept der show-off-parts, no. Eecently soon, annudder geentleman and myself coome mit a deesagree- ment and a meesunder- standings. He vos mooch der same size ass my veight, but taller-up. He 'coomenced to sayes soome cuss-talks mit me, vich vos like coals off fire on my ■head. Beeing provoked J mit mooch bad humors, and mit my steel-gray eyes gleeming mit him I sayes : You cannot use cuss-talks mit me like dot, I vill knock you mit der satans and der fires quick. He reecognized der full meenings off my sayings mit him, and took quick to his legs, yes. 137 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Ven der ancient Greeks, and Eomans lift, dey vos alvays hafing mooch beelief s mit too many gods and tings. If dey had beelieft mit vnn-God vioh rnles mooch, der peeples den vonld hafe been moore bright and moore chreestians, yes. I beeliefs mit der vun-God, and dot He made all der peeples and tings, yes; but I doo not beeliefs mit der Darvins and der Huxleys vot sayes, dot your anceesters vos a lot off fool-moonkeys, no. Der iss two grand diveesions off der hu- man fameeles mit deese coontry. Vun iss der down-trod- den s and der udder iss der up-troddens. Vich vun off deese iss der best may be hard to tell. Vun is moost full off egotesms, vanetees and con- ceets, der three tings coombined being vorse den nottings, and der udder vun iss moost eempty off efery tings. Fall mit der vun you choose, and vire me der ree- soolts, yes. 138 HAMMIE SMOOGLES If der assasseenations off vun leetle Dukie and hiss vife mit Servia, can set fire mit all Europe, con- sooming millions off lifes and billions off prop- erty, vot vould be der resoolt if two or three leetle Dukies and der vifes, vos assasseenated mit der same leetle coontrys, yes. In leeterature der greatest geenius vich der vorld hass efer seen iss der man Shakespeere; but outside off leeterature, der greatest geenius vich der vorld hass yet seen iss der man Edison ; and, off der two, Edison iss der greater den der Shakespeere, yes. Soome off der mens moost hafe develooped from der doonkey, for you vill now and den see vun prick-up hiss ears, and bray mooch- loud mit nottings. I often vunder yoost vot der reel re- lationsheeps iss, yes. Der man or voomans vich hafe der foul-mouth and der long sleek, poison tongue, vich iss alvays going about seeking to blacken der characters and goot names off der peeples, iss mitout any question der moost lowest-down off all der catties, yes. 139 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der best vay I buy clothes iss deese : I go down mit deeferent stores, try on soome soots, talk-big mit der time. I sayes, send deese vun mit my res- ideences, I vill take deese. Send der bill mit me der first off efery month, yes. If der Kingdom off der Heavens iss a nef er-eending place off happeeness; and, der Kingdom off der Hells vun place off nefer- \ eending toorments ; (and, der Kingdom off der Earth vun leem- ited place, vare ve make choice for eether off der udder two; it might not be vun bad- ideea to seet down mit a knife and soome whittlings, and meeditate vich-vun, yes. In order to preserve der goot name and goot rep- utations, it iss mooch advisable to be friendly mit all peeples, but fameeliar mit blame-few, and know der few goot-vell, before der fameeliaritees set-in, ass many bad snakes iss mit der high-grass, yes. 140 HAMMIE SMOOGLES It iss mit great sadness off der mind, and hard- sheeps off der body, dot soome peoples haf e to vork ; but ven der same peoples hafe a chance to play, der hotness off der suns, and der hardness off der plays, make no troobles for dem ; but yoost any ting goes, so long ass you name it plays, yes. It seems to me, dot der breeches off der yoong American mans, iss pooled a heep-mooch too soon, ass dey doo not coome mit close poseetions mit der shoes, off der same yoong mans, ven he valk out, mit der lanes off der ceety, to meet der girls, no. Der yoong voman vill see a man cooming down der lane, and she vill put herseelf mit a poosition vare he moost see her. She vill keep der corner off vun-eye mit him till he get up-near ; den she vill be moost eenterested, mit der leetle bugs crawling mit der ground. Dot iss too make der eempressions dot she doont see him, ven she doos, yes. 141 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Vun off der reasons vich I vould lufe to be lifing mit deese earth, ven der Meeleniuin coome iss, I vant moocli to see, if der peeples vould be satisfied mit it. Der vill be many peeples, I am sure, vicb vould pre- fer der open-saloon and mooch poleetics, ven der grinding off der axes vould be mit order, yes. It iss mooch an easy ting mit der human life, to be your friend ven you hate mooch, or ven you iss a great-eenHuence peeples; but how natural and true it iss, dot ven you loose your propertees or your in- flueence-greatness, for us to yoost gife you der go- bye, for nottings can now be oxpected off you, for our own goot, no. Soometime ago long seence, myself and annud- der geentleman had a ) meesunderstandings, mit our reelations mit soome beesness. He strook me mit der left cheek, and knock me ofer. I got up, immediately-quick, and after tinking mit my duties, I turned der right cheek, and he strook me mit dot cheek. Tinking I had foolfilled der coommands, I peetched in and al- moost beet der blame fool to death, vunce. 142 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meester Darwin, Meester Huxley and udder Naturalists hafe been trying to deescover der oxact reela- tionsheeps mit you and der Moonkeys, Apes and tings; but after mooch oxamina- tions admit dot dey cannot tell vare der mens coome from, nor vare der colors off der mens coome from, no. Ven an anemal dies it dies, but ven a man dies he lifs. Ven a moonkey dies it dies. Ven der same moonkey, according to Darwin, deveelops itself mit a man den dies, vot den Mr. Darwin! Does der moonkey-man dies or does he lifs ? Ven did it reech der stage ven it ceese to dies, or der man ceese to lifs, yes. If der goot Lord, after creeating der Heavens and der Earth, and after creeating all kinds and styles off catties, dogs, moonkeys, fowls, fishes, beasts and vegetations, could not den creeate all kinds and styles off der mans, vich der Biple sayes He did creeate, His abileetys moost hafe run-out com- pleetely, yes. 143: HAMMIE SMOOGL.BS It iss no doubt mooch true, dot if \ieester Darwins theory iss correct, about d e r man cooming from der moonkey;and if man get mit der kingdom off der Heavens, dot der same Kingdom vill be yoost swarm- ing mit der moonkey-angels too, yes. It iss impossible to sayes dot mans sprung, or even joomped from der ceemlen-headed, long- tailed, fool moonkey ; but if you doo sayes it, I defy you to sayes dot der vimmins, sprung from der same soource. You know mighty blamed-vell, dot no fool moonkey efer had, or efer cood hafe, ass long-hair, or ass many-notions mit vun minute, ass der average vomans, no. If man spring from moonkeys, at vot stage off der game did der blamed fool moonkeys, drop off der long tails, and all der hair vich coovered der entire bodys ; and, if der Darwins iss correct, did der deeferent races off mans coome from black-moonkeys, vhite- moonkeys, red-moonkeys, and yellow-moonkeys, yes. 144 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Yen ve discuss der theory off man cooming from der moonkeys, ve must not fail to remeember, dot ve hafe der black man mit keenky hair ; der red man mit long coorse hair ; and der yellow man mit long straight hair. Did ve efer hafe der black, red, yel- low and white moonkeys, and if not, ven vos der changes made mit der coolors, yes. In der making off mans and anemals and tings, it vos yoost ass easy for der goot Lord to make a perfect man, and a separate moonkey, ass to make der mans deevelop from der monkey, dot iss it! Avay mit der Darvins. You iss noo moonkeys, no. If der Darvin Theory iss coorrect, vich iss not, I vould yoost like to know, at vich stage off der deevel- opments, did my great-grand-daddy, loose der moon- key tail, yes. 145 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Yoost ass well sayes dot der gobler deveeloped from der banty-rooster ; der Newfoundland dog from der poodle ; and der ox from der sheeps, ass to sayes dot man coome from der moonkeys. If der goot Lord can make der-vun, He need not lieseetate in making der ndder-vnn, no. It iss yoost ass reesonable, to sayes dot der God made all mans, ass it iss to sayes dot He made all anemals, all birds, and fishes, yes. Vile it iss mooch- true, dot der Moonkey iss vun smart-leetle-fools, vich hass a long tails ; ven a mans iss also vun pig smart fools, vich hass no tails ; steel der dog iss also mooch- smart mit a tails, derfore if der moonkey, iss your relationsheeps, so iss der dogs, and der sheeps, and der catties, yes. If Meester Darwins theory off der eevolutions off man, from der blamed apes and moonkeys and tings iss correct; I vould like mooch to know, if deese parteecular fameely off anemals, vos der oonly fam- eely off anemals, vich had sooch a power off im- prooving deemselfs, yes. In discussing der questions off der man and der moonkey, and vich vun spring from der udder van; you moost not fail to deesremember, dot nottings in der Universe off God, hass efer made any soobstan- 146 HAMMIE SMOOGLES tial improovement, mitout der touch off mans in- teellect; and dot likes beget likes vich iss der uni- versal law off propeegation ; and dot ven you sayes dot der moonkey-fameely, in and off itself, so greatly improoved a poortion off its fameely, many moon- keys still remaining; you make a statements vich can not apply mit any udder creeture, oxcept man himself, and efen he cood not doo it, oxcept for hiss intelligence, no. I tink you vill reedily agree mit me, dot instinct iss vun ting, and intellect iss quite annudder ting. Man has intellect, and der beast hass instinct. Did you efer know off a case off instinct turning into dot off inteeligence, unteel Meester Darvins seems to hafe deescovered it, mit der case off a monkey? You hafe heard off intellect loosing its power, and der person becooming insane; but not off instinct, bursting like a bud into der form off a flower, and becooming intellect. If so vare, by George, iss der case you cite, yes. I reepeat, dot man iss der oonly creeture, vich God efer creeated, dot hass der abeelity to make eeny improovements, either for hiss own race or for eeny ting else. Der develoopments and uses made off teember; der mining off coal and using it for der creeation off power ; der harnessing off eelectreecity, 147 HAMMIE SMOOGL.es and making it to doo so meeny tings, iss samples off vot eentellect can doOj and vich insteenct cannot doo. But remeember still, dot God alone iss der vnn to oreeate, and dot eentellect can oonly devise how to use vot God hass creeated; remeember annudder ting, dot man nefer creeated eeny ting whatefer, seence der days off Gods creeations, no. Ven der goot Lord creeated der Heavens and der Earth, He also creeated meeny kinds and styles off catties; meeny kinds and styles off dogs; meeny kinds and styles off der beasts; meeny kinds and styles off fowls; meeny kinds and styles off f eeshes ; and meeny kinds and styles off vegetation. Vye iss it den Mr. Darvins, dot der same creeative God, could not and did not make meeny kinds and styles off mans, mitout hafing him too alvays spring from soome blamed-fool anemal, yes I Portinia iss vun great poems, writ by der great- est off all lifing bird-singers, and hiss name iss James Calvin Hooper, and vare he lif iss Texas, Dallas. I read dot poems mit der vildest interests, and it teaches soome great languages and poem- thoughts, it does, and ven he die, hiss poetry-sing- ing vill be eemortalized, vunce. 148 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Soometime recently soon, I vent ofer to gife soome consoolations mit a yoong, goot-looking- lone-orphan vidow, vich had yoost burried der sec- ond hoosbands. I pat her moocb geentle mit der back, vinking vun eye mit der udder vnn, and sayes, mit a meek releegious tone off der voices : I iss greatly mooch sorrowful dot you lost, and hafe not now no hoosbands; but der heap-best vay iss to bear-up, der best you can, and troost-strong for soome udder vuns soon again, yes. 149 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I hafe now boarded mit deese vorld for seexty long years, and vile der iss many goot tings and beautiful tings mit it, vich I find, der iss so meeny strifes and toormoils gooing on, dot I can not sayes dot it iss a very deesirable habitations after all, and I am now reedy to moove mit der next-vun, yes. It iss said dot der turtle ven be bite you, he vill hold on till it thoonder. Der bool-dog moost hafe developed from der turtle, for he vill also hold on ven he bite. How about deese Meester Darwins? To wrote deese books, mit vich I hope dot you vill hafe mooch pleasures and laughings, I hafe to seet-down moost all off der day, and seet-up moost all off der night, yes. Der butt-eend off der beely goat, and der udder- eend off der mule, iss two eends vich I alvays hafe der moost renowned reespect for, ass soome ca- lameeties often happen from dem, ven you moost- least oxpect any tings, yes. Ven I voke up deese mornings, my head vos yoost aching big rait der brains. I took first, soome aspreens, den soome udder mediceens. Soon der two commenced to growl and fought mit deem- selfs, and for an hour, I tink dot dey vos trying to assassenate me, yes. 150 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Socrates, Plato and Aristotle vos der three greatest Grecian philoseefers, and taught mit prac- tically der same doctrins, Plato and Aristotle being der pupils off Socrates, yes. Socrates iss said to be mit vun great phi- loseefer. Veil seenoe he beeliefs dot my soul lifed long before I vos born, and dot moost off der nollege dot I now hafe, iss vot I reeoollect '; from my udder life, vye iss it I do not also ree- call my friends and my fameelies mit dot udder life, dot iss it, yes. Ven Socrates, der great Grecian philoseefer sayes dot my soul vos mit a vild-cat vunce, I sayes dot he falseefies, and dot it iss not so; and ven he sayes dot ven I die it may go off mit a leetle-bee, he fal- seefies again, yes. I do not beeliefs any moore mit der great phi- loseefers Plato and Socrates, for ven dey sayes dot der souls off men and vimmen may hafe coome from 151 HAMMIE SMOOGLES soome anemals, or bees, or soome udder vild tings; and, dot ven ve die, der sonls may pass out and enter mit udder tings like vild-cats, tigers and tings, dey do not teech vot der Biple sayes ; and dot iss dot der souls iss created ven ve iss created, and dot ven ve die, dey vill go into der Heavens or into der Hells, dot iss der doctrins, yes. If ven I lef deese vorld, I should be transmigated, ass my goot friend Socrates vould sayes, mit der forms off a bool-frog, I do seencerely hope dot der frogs mit der new vorld, may hafe learned how to valk like der udder catties, ass I do not nefer vish to be alvays joomping head-fooremost, no. Socrates taught dot ven der man dies he may be transmigrated mit der form off soome anemal, catties or tings. My goot friend Socrates, I iss oxtonished mit your philoseefy. You doont teech der vorld dot intellect iss transmitted into der form off instinct do you? Avay mit sooch doctreens! Der Biple doctreens iss heap-mooch better, yes. I vent mit choorch deese moornings, and der breecher, he preech a fine big sermons, to a heep- mooch peeples, and der seengings vos goot too. Ven I coome home der leetlest Smoogles vos down on der floor mit der keety-cats, laughing and yoost 152 HAMMIE SMOOGLES hafing a reel goot time. Der moore I see deese leetle childens playing mit cats and tings, der moore I iss conveenced dot der Darwin-theory may be correct, vunce. I like der fiddle-musTc mooch best off all der musics, and ven my soon Martineela, cross der streengs mit hiss bow. Messes Smoogles foots get qnick-happy, and she vill sayes: Come on Ham- mie, vunce! and vile I doont feel like dooing-der- dance, still I cannot controll der quietness off my own foots. Ve vould dance der Persian-High-Keek, der Messopotamian-Foot-Reel and der American- Bool-Frog-Hopp, yes. 153 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I vos roaming vild amoong der veather vun moornings, ven a geentleman off Irish-assent met mit me. He sayes : Top of tlie morning to yon sir. I sayes: Tanks mit pleasures. I met again, der yoong Irishman late mit der same afternoon, and I sayes: Heel off der efenings mit you, yes. He blooshed red mit der face and rode on, looking-back, and smoling mit hiss mouth, vunce. Vun off der moost-best tings vich can happen to der yoong man, iss to fail mit heesness vunce or twice. In dooing deese, he begin too learn dot hiss judgemeents iss not goot, and he vill soon begin too know how too reely-tink, vunce. I like moore den a pleen- ty-mooch, to votch der leetle dog-pupps play mit deir tails, and roon a r u n d-deemself s so meeny times, trying to cotch-up mit der same tails, vunce. Dey iss der very eembodyments off funs and tings ; and how often soometimes I vish, dot I vos also vun leetle hound-pupps, to cotch der bob- tail rabbets, yes. 154 HAMMIE SMOOGLES If der yoong men off deese coontry vould tink ass moocli mit beesness, ass dey doo mit der base-balls, mooves, girls and tings, der veels off coomerce and der speendles off der meells vonld run night-and-day, mit two-shifts, yes. Meestress Eddys, ven sbe teach, mit der book vich she wrote mit Chreestian Science, and lef out der Devils, der Hells, der New Births and all off der sins oif der peeples she coome into court, mit a bill off injoonctions, against moost all off der Plan off Salvation, yes. I hafe alvays been mooch poozled-up mit der hills. Efery time ven I go mit der foot off der hills, and look up I tink dot dey slant up; and efery time I look from der tops off der hills, dey seem too slant down, so I doo not know vich-vay dey slant, oonless both-vays, yes. Der man or voman, vich iss alvays pointing der feenger off creeticisms at der peeples, seek or veil, dead or alife, goot or bad, saint or sinner, iss vun off der basest characters der vorld hass efer known, yes. 155 HAMMIE SMOOGLES My old doonkey-mule make me mad mit cuss-talks, ven he cotch a bad cold and coommence all der time, to sneeze-mit-der-head so mooch. Soometimes I hafe strong notions mit der brain, dot I vill yoost caught him mit der tails and throw der blame ting out off der stable-door, vunce. I tink dot all mule- doonkeys hafe a fine ears for musics, yes. If Jesus Christ and der Devil vos candidates for der Preesidency off der United States, vun mit der Deemocratic teeket and der udder vun mit der Ke- pooblican teeket; I vould lufe mooch too know how der election vould go, and vich vould hafe der big- gest majorities, and vich der eelected vun and vye, yes. How pleasingly en- chanting it iss, too sit mit der lake-edge, and votch der swan-goose, ven she glide so smoothly mit der heafing bosom-chest off der vaters. She iss vun lieautiful fowl-bird, and der neck, how long and graceful it iss; and if der misschief-boy brake it vunce, how mooch easy it vould be, yoost too tie it mit a knot, and go on swim^ ming, mit foot-paddles again, yes. 156 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Martineela sayes: Dad- dy, vye iss it dot sooch a strong, rich coontry like der United States, vich iss der greatest nations un- der der Grlobe, hafe too repreesent it, mit der press-papers and tings, sooch an old broken- down picture-man ass Uncle Sam; and vye doo dey not hafe a Samson picture-man, ass der em- blems and tings, nol I sayes : My soon, vye iss der Moons not made off a green-cheeses, yes? It iss a mooch amusing tings, to close-votch soome off der mens, vich tink deemselfs veil-dressed, ven dey stand mit der corners off der ceety lanes, mit a large cigar and mooch-puffings ; and, at der same time leaning far-back, feeling mooch ripe-oats; and mit two sly-eyes among der female-lady-folks, vich hafe der short skeerts, der thick powders, der peen- celed-brows and tings, yes. 157 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I vunce lif ed mit a house, vare der vos an old-maid- speenster, vieh hafe a mooch long sleek-tongue mit a poison-eend. Ven she coome down to breekfast, she vould hafe der tongue coommence vork; and ven she get it vorking goot and quick-fast, der blame ting would pop, yoost like der vipp-cracker, ven der farmer drife der catties. By eleeven oclock at night, it vould becoome so tired from over-vork, dot it go on a strike, and reefuse too vork eeny longer. She vould reetire, and der tongue vould hang out ofer der bed-railings, for a long-quiet-and-peeceful- rest, yes. Meeses Smoogles vos reading mit der press-papers, ven she turn mit me and sayes: Hammie, I see vare I can to- morrow, get a nice spring hat for seven dollars and feefty ceents. I hafe al- reedy der feefty ceents, but vare can I got der udder seven dollars, vunce? I sayes: Mudder, took your legs mit der bank, dot iss der place vare you can alvays find mooch mooney, and doont bodder me mit spring hats, ass I vare caps, vich I buy for feefty ceents mit creedits, yes. 158 HAMMIE SMOOGLES If der daddys and der mannys off deese coontry, had halfe der seense, der yoong soons tink day dem- seelfs hafe, der elemeents vould alvays be lighted- up mit great breeliancy, yes. Ven you sees a man running around, prooclaim- ing himseelf a great deemocrat, or a great repoob- liean ; you can yoost write it mit your bat, dot he iss vun great pie-hunter, mit no deeference ass to der kind off pie, no. Meeses Smoogles : Hammie, how iss it dot der Eelephant hafe two tails ven der udder catties hafe but der vun tails? I sayes : Der Eele- phant, mudder, doont hafe but der vun tails, no. She sayes : You iss wrong, vunce, for der Eelephant bass a tails mit both eends, yes. I sayes : Vot you sees mit der front eend, iss der nose off der Eelephant, mudder. She sayes: Hammie, you know dot noone off der catties hafe long-noses like dot, and I vill not beeliefs vot you sayes, no. 159 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Caruso sayes too hiss mudder: Mudder, vot iss der udder names off Abraham, and Isaac and Jacob and all off der udder vuns mit der Bipies! Iss der names John Abraham and Jim Isaacs and Martin Jacobs, like my name iss Caruso Smoogles, or vot iss der names, yes? Meeses Smoogles sayes: Gro osk your daddys, mit sooch questions and doont bodder me, vunce. Mit der spreeng-time, ven der song-birds melodize der forests, and der leetle buds begin too swell and burst mit der flowers; and all natures put on der beautiful dress otf green; and ven der yoong mans fancy turns mit lufe, vot a sweet time it iss too be born early mit life, and inhale der perfumes off der sweet smell-odors, yes. Martineela sayes: Dad- dy, vye iss it dot all der Progs vich lif mit der vaters, iss called bool-frogs, iss der no vimmen frogs, no? I sayes: My soon, I hafe nefer studied der bool-frog question, and you vill hafe to osk your mudder, for she seems too hafe raised several off dem, yes. 160 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I soometimes alvays hafe great and sad sympa- thies, mit der traveling-coommercial-toorist-sales- man, ass I vos a piece off der same tings, vunce ; and, I know hiss up-trodden and down-trodden pathvays ; and, how soometimes he try hard too cotch der first, or der next going-out-trains, dot he may sell moore goots before he sleep again. I remeember how, mit vun occasion, I tried mooch-hard too cotch vun, and hollowed mit der condooctor, too stop der pool-een- gine and vait a minute ; but der blame-ting vould not at all leesten, and ven I vent back mit der hotel- clerk, I tole him strong vot I tink, vunce. 161 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I hafe coome too tole you dot you iss der eembody- ments off mooch no-count meaness. Vye mit der meescMefs, did you not vake-me-up, vunce, so dot I cood cotch der next trains, ass I tole you I Now, I cannot to-day sell too mercliants eeny moore re- ceipts for making black-berry pies, mitout berries, and iss mit der devels and der deep blue-seas, till der next going-out-trains ; and, if my brain vos a leetle- moore-madder, and my height soome-taller-up, I vould cause you soome personal-troobles. You charge me feefty ceents mit vun bath, ven I cood buy enough vater for dot, too bathe forty catties, vunce. 162 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I see mit der press-papers dot a geentleman hass yoost returned from an oxtensive trip around der vorld. Oh! but how anxious I iss too take vun off der same trips, yes. I sayes : Mudder, dot iss no new tings, at all. I know many peeples vich take a trip like dot efery day, and I am oxpecting to doo der same ting mit der next tweenty-four hours, if der earth-doont stop mit its turnings, no. 163 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I hafe rnoore reespect for der butt-eend off a keeking mule, den I doo for der man vich iss a great poleemetician mit election day oonly. All two off dem iss der first cousins mit der doonkey, yes. Der oonly deeference between der Deemocratic party and der Eepooblican party iss dot all two off* dem iss running for der same blamed-office, and both oxpecting too vin, yes. Meeses Smoogles sayes: Hammie, I hear so many peeple talking mit der heart-lufe, and tings. How iss it dot der heart can be meexed-up mit lufe? I sayes: Mudder, der deec- tionary-man hass got der heart-and-luf e m e e x e d wrong soome vay. Der heart iss o only-flesh, dot iss all, and iss vun awfully beesy-leetle-ting, night and day, and vich hafe no time at all too fool-mit sooch a ting ass lufe. It iss der poomping-station for der blood, and dot iss all it can hafe time too doo, and ven it take vun-leetle- vacation, or go too fooling-mit- lufe and tings, den you iss-dead, vunce. 164 HAM Ml E SMOOGLES Coonfound der Joory Seestem ! Keecently soon a man vos tried mit twelf goot men for moorder. Dey reetired all mit der same bed. Because vnn off der twelf cood not agree mit der iidder-vuns, instead off hanging der moorderer, der vun-man hoong der whoole dad-blame joory mit out a trial, yes. Der oonly vay too got a goot spelling- educations iss mit der blue-back-spell- er, near der back- voods off der coon- try ; vare der school- cabins hafe poon- choon-floors ; and der seet-beenches iss made oft" split-logs, mitout-backs, vare you seet all day long mitout feet-rests or back- rests ; and vare you all-der-time hear der udder chil- dens spelling-out, ven you iss trying so hard mit study, vunce. Martineela sayes: Daddy, hass der trees got troonks, and doo dey pack soome leaves mit dem, vunce? I sayes : My soon, der trees doont bafe no troonks at all, no. Dot iss annudder false sayeengs mit der deectionary-man, yes. 165 HAMMIE SMOOGL.es Vile passing mit a reesidence reecently soon, mit der moon-light efenings, I spied a yoong man and yoong lady, oxercising der eendependent libertees off courtsheeps. Der ndder peeples had retired too private sloomberings. I sayes mit myseelf, less stop a meenite, and mabee ve vill make soome new dees- ooveris; and vile vaiting, der yoong female-lady vent mit liquidations and vos soon mit der arms-off- a-receiver, yes. 166 HAMMIE SMOOGLE My leetle soon Hammie, vent too crawl through der crack off der vence and got fastened like a p e e g y. Mrs Smoogles came running too der back-rear off der house, mit great oxcitements and sayes : Hammie, run mit der ax too der voods and cut a hand-spike quick vunce, leetle Hammie iss suiciding mit der fence. I grapped der ax and rooshed too der voods, cut der spike and back. Ven I got too der front yard, leetle Hammie vos yoost breathing hiss last-eend, and soon vos asleep mit der angels. He looked so happy from der teerrible oxperience vich he had, dot ve lef him stay mit-der-fence, till der funeral coome, yes. Human nature iss a vonderfully inconsestent doc- tren. For eenstance, ve see udder peeple doo tings, vich ve violently condemn ; and yet approve der very same tings fully, if we or any off our own famely doo dem, yes. 167 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Hammie sayes : Mudder, a boy tole me recently soon dot hiss daddy joomped a boord-bill, yoost how far pleese, vonld he hafe too joonap, vnnce? Meeses Smoo- gles sayes: I doont no my soon, go osk yonr farders, for I tink he iss '""--i^.^^^^^/S'^i^^^^-z, \ used to doo der same kind "^^^SSf^-^^^ ^ off oxercises; but I can- not now tole you how many, nor how far he joomp, no. I like vunderfully mooch, and mit pleasures, too votch der cute leetle feeshes, ven dey play back-and- forth by deemselfs, mit der clear-crystal vaters. Jy&Y iss mitout doubt, der reeal embodyments off funs and tings. I cood yoost seet and votch deir pretty mouths and ruby-lips a long, long time, mitout sleep, ass dey look sooch-a-resemblance, too soome off der female-girls, yes. Der iss mooch goot mit all off der peeples a part off der time ; and a part off der peeples all off der time ; but der iss no-goot mit all off der peeples and a part off der peeples, mit der same time, no. 168 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I beelief dot mit der lowest pitts off der Hells vill be found der blackmailer and der slanderer, vare two-shifts off der Devels Angels vill be kept busy, keeping der fires alvays punched up goot and hot, too accommodate der capaceety off der vuns mit der pitt, yes. I vos riding mit a street car in Washington Ceety last August, and heard vun lady say mit annudder vun: I was completely snowed-under all last week. My ears being shocked mit sooch a sayings, mit der hot soom- ertime, I turned and sayes: Oxcuse my pardons, Meeses, but vare vos you all last veek! She sayes: I was down in Georgia. Being still moore oxcited mit her statements, I oxclaimed: Mine got, vot a calameetees! Iss der crops ruined, please? She sayes: No the crops are very good, I thank you. Snow mit soomer, in Dixie-Georgia, and der crops not ruined ! Vot you tink off dot, vunce ? 169 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I tink dot der saddest ting mit tongue or pen, iss der Camels back vich might hafe been-soome udder shape. It look mit me dot der poor ting hass been broke-twice ; and den der neck prized np, so dot der head steek mit der elements, straight np, mit mooch sorrowful-sadness off der eyes. Efery time ven I look mit him, I yoost vant too go off, mit a brier-patch and coommit quick death-suicide, for he iss der saddest and der ugliest off all der human-cattles, yes. According too der doctrens off Meester Socrates, you may ven you die, be transmigrated mit der form off a Camel, and lif again mit all sooch ugliness ; but if so, I can not see how you vill efer oxpect vun- happy-day. Ven I go, mit der heavens, if I find der poor old broke-back camel deir, I know my happi- ness vill be at vun last-eend, for vun sad-look mit him, yoost throw my stoomache all out off sorts, vunce. 170 HAMMIE SMO OGLES Der anemal vick make me run avay qnick-fast, iss der blamed old fpole-cat- skoonk. Oh ! but sooch a foul-breath- oders, ass lie bafe, ven he breathe mit you strong. How der cheeckens efer stand him iss der puzzles off der communitees; but der iss vun goot and honest ting mit him and dot iss; you alvays know who stole der cheeckens, if he stole dem ; ass he vill leff der strong-breath-oders mit you and udders for seeveral days; and gife you der oder-direction off hiss goings too, yes. I soometimes often vish too sayes deese sweet leetle prayers : Lord hafe meercy upon der goot men and vimmins off deese vorld. Hafe mooch great meercy upon der foul-mouth poison-tongue slanderer; vich iss alvays trying too blacken and deestroy goot characters, mit der foul-mouth and poison-tongue. If deese black characters efer slip mit der Kingdom off Heaven, please notify der sweet angels mooch- quick ; dot der own characters may be saf ed from der serpents hissing tongues. Amen, yes. 171 HAMMIE SMOOGLES After surrounding March, den I said : Der greatest War- Battle vich I efer saw vos ven a boy. Three leetle girls and three leetle boys agreed too surround and bom- bard a boomble-bees nest. We asseembled, I vos der coomman- der, and der veppons too be brooshes cut from der booshes. der nest, I sayes: Forward Fire ! All coommenced too bat- tle. Soon tweenty-fife too feefty bees rooshed out like boolets mit efery direections. I sayes: Took mit your legs girls, took mit your legs boys. Dey begin too scatter. Vun bee strook a girl mit der calf; annudder bee strook annudder girl above der knee; annudder bee got mit a boys breeches. Der girl toore off der skeert, and der boy roon out off hiss breeches. I den sayes: Forward March, but der sooldiers vould not. Vun boy vent hoome mit- out hiss breeches ; vun girl mitout her skeert. Re- soolts off der battle mit killed, voonded and meess- ing: Three dead bees mit der battle feeld; two voonded girls; vun voonded boys; vun meessing skeerts; vun meessing breeches. Oxpleenations : 172 H A M M I SMOOGLES Ven a bee shoot hiss steenger mit you, vich iss all der instrooments off varfare vich he hafe, he vill lef it mit you; and not hafing any vay too defeend heemself any moore ; he grow deespondent and coom- mit sooicide, mit der feeld off battle, by breething hiss last-eend, yes. Dey sayes dot der reeson iot all der fameeles off der rabbet kingdoms hafe no tails, but soome cottons 7are der tails used too vos; tss dot der first deescovered rabbet, vos found mit der 3otton fields, ven der man cut off hiss tails mit a hoe; ier rabbet run through der cotton fields, mit a bleeding-cut-off tails and dot soome cottons steek mit der bleeding place, vare der tails vos, yes. Off all der beasts, catties and tings, delifer me avay-from der grown-up spoiled child. He iss der eembodyments off deessatisfactions, unhappeeness and groomblings. I vould yoost lufe too use a strong sheengle-board, mit der rear-eend off hiss anatoomys, for thirty-seex times der space, vich coovers day and night, yes. 173 HAMMIE SMOOGLES ^\?\\l// song-notes, yes. If I cood be vun bird- seenger, like Meester James Calvin Hooper, off Dallas, Texas, ven he wrote der book Portinia; I vood climb der tallest-up tree off der foreests; get vay out mit der top-leembs ; streetch my leetle neck and immoor- talize der foreests, mit der Last veek I vos valking mit der lane off der ceety, mit annudder geentleman, ven ve met mit a man cooming. Der geentleman sayes: From the way that man walks he must feel his oats to-day. I sayes : Veil, he iss my neighbors, mit der coontry ; but he raised no oats deese yer. He planted a crop but der blame-tings yoost sprouted, dot vos all. Dot iss der vay off meeny American mans. He tink he hass mooch-oats, but no. If I had forty-vun soons, I vould gife efery vun off dem an educations ; but vould not gife dem any mooneys at all, no. Der yoong man iss better off, ven he doo mooch-battle in making a start mit life. Der mooneys vich he make, steeks mit him heap mooch better, den vot hiss daddys gife him, yes. 174 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Caruso sayes: Daddy, vye iss it dot ven der busy lanes cross eacli udder, dot der ceety hafe a poleeceman to tell der shoofers mit der automoobeels ven and how to stop, ven to go, and how to go, please! I sayes : My soon, der yoong shoofers doont hafe no respect at-all-mooch for der pooblicks, hafing nefer attended sooch a college deemselfs; and der ceety moost see dot dey doo not roon ofer all off der peeple. Dey hafe rooned ofer der poleecemen sev- eral times, already; but cannot nefer kill dem, ass dey hold polecees mit der eenshoorance coompanies, free from death, vunce. Der iss nottings so beautifully-nice too hafe mit der house ass der chil- dens, oxcept it iss der peegs. Dey iss full mit rompings, gigglings, noises, cryings and tings ; and ven you vish too read or sleep, how sweet it iss too hear der noises. Mudder and me nefer iss reel-happy, unless ve iss alvays bathing der keeds, tying up der stumped-toes, or vorking mit dem all night-long, yes. 175 HAMMIE SMOOGLES "^ Meeses Bmoogles ' sayes: Hammie, I [f^^ bet feefty oeents you cannot tole vot sharp ting I did to- day? I sayes: I know yo u i s s mooch-sharp but vot you doo? She sayes: I vent mit der apartment store and osked der man if he vould gif e me creedit mit a seven-dollar hat vunce ; and he say yes, so here iss it. I vill to-morrow go mit der same store, beefore der transaction cool-off, and get annudder vun yoost like it ; and haf e him charge dot vun, den I vill hafe two hats mit no pay, vunce. I sayes: Mudder, you iss der very eembodyments off sharp-shrewdness. I vill doo my hats and caps and tings der same-vay, yes. Der sayings vich sayes : Spare der rod and save der childens iss mooch wrong. Der human fameeles iss moore like der mules den dey iss like deemselfs. I am afraid off der doctrins vich, ven der mules iss unrooly, dot you moost loofingly rub hiss ears and hiss neck too make him pool. I hafe vorked der blamed-fool mules long enough too know, der doctrines yoost vont vork, no. 176 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Der Biple iss mooch wrong ven it sayes: Bridle der tongue. Der iss many vimmens and mens vicb hafe tongnes too-long to bridle, yes. Der oonly reem- edy, too releef der suffering fameeles and coommu- nitees, mit vich der long-tongues oxist, iss too hafe a surgical-amputations oif der first seex eenches off der free eend ; after vich not oonly der coommunitees and fameeles vould hafe mooch great rejoicings, bondfires and tanksgifings ; but der cut-off poortions off der tongues, vould hafe mooch peace-and-rest, yes. I soome times alvays tink dot der best meedi- cines to gife a spoiled child, vich hafe a bad dees- positions, iss too feed it mit three vippings daily, and shake veil before gif- ing. If der three doses doos not act veil, make der meedicines stronger and gife moore frequently often ; but remeember deese, dot if you begin eerly mit life, too gife der meedicines, der child vill not need mooch, no. 177 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles vos reading der press-paper, ven she turn mit me and sayes : Hammie, I tink dot der automobeel iss a beautifully-pretty ting, vich glide ofer der ground-surface so smooth, yoose like der big sheeps mit der ocean. I sayes : Mudder, dot iss all mooch true, but der iss vun ting I do not at all like mit dem, and dot iss, dot dey iss like der gun and der boolet, dey hafe no reel eyes at all. Dey hear you cooming, and fill deemselfs mit air and blow-strong mit a noise ; but doont hesitate at all, not ef en after you iss runned ofer ; and doont look mit deir glass- eyes, nor listen-to-see how mooch dead you iss. Off course, der blame yoong goat, vich pool der blow- treegers and tings, mit a swelled head, can not nefer know der seetuations off your coonditions, for he hass no goomption-sence, and hass not nefer attended der College-Off-Human-Eespect, no. 178 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeny peeple talk so mooch mit-der- mouth, and say sooch a small-few-tings, dot dey doo not haf e eeny time mit vich to lees- ten mit vot udders may say; but all der time keep der toong- and-mouth going, yoost like der buzzing electric fans, vich you see mit der ceety; both otf dem blowing- vind all der time, and nottings moore. It look mit me, dot der brain vould becoome deesgusted, and file a beel for separa- tions, mit der law-courts, vunce. I vos vunce introduced mit a red-headed lady-girl off New York State. I wrote her a leetle letter mit a varm lufe-vord or two. She replied and said: Don't be discouraged, but a great storm of snow and sleet is raging, and I cannot write warm words. I wrote immeediately soon and sayes: Der same blamed-storm hass hit deese section, and efery vord I write hass a leetle iceecle hanging, mit der bot- toms. I nefer heerd annudder vord, but alvays soopposed dot she died, moost-instantaneoosly, for der vant off breath, yes. 179 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles sayes: Hammie, vye iss it dot der yoong keeds iss so deeffer- ent ass dey used to vos, ven ve vos cMl- dens, and dot now dey doo moost-all- der-talkings ; and mit der street cars and udder places, dey doo not joomp-up and gif e older vuns der sects and tings 1 I sayes : Mud- der, ven ve vos childens, der farders and mudders made der childens keep-quiet, ven older peeples vos talking; and also made dem joomp-up and gif older peeples sects and tings ; and iff dey did not doo dot, dey vould get soome good sweetch-vippings, vich make dem dance around, vunce ; but now teember iss so-scarce and loomber so-Mgb, dot der parents can not find eeny sweetches or sbeengle-boords ; and der childens grow-up, mitout mooch corrections at all, and yoost doont try too know eeny better, no. Ven I yoost too lif mit der coontry, I vould often votch der leetle peegs drink der slops, and votch dem ravel and unravel der curly leetle tails. Yen dey feels goot mit dreenking, dey vould curl up der tails and den uncurl dem again, and versi-vicer, yes. 180 HAMMIE SMOOGLBS Vun ting I do not nefer \^ish too again meet, iss der fiat-beel-duck. Der noise vich he make mit der beel, iss woorse enough; but dot iss not half-so-mooch der trooble. Efery time ven I meet mit him, and look-good mit der heel; I nefer fail too disremeemher der udder heels, vich poke- deemselfs mit my face, der first off efery month, yes. I alvays like better too hafe argumentations mit a voomans den mit a mans. Ven you argue mit a mans, he vill go all aroound der house too oxplain der locations off hiss poositions. A voomans will not doo dot, no. Ven you osk a voomans too state der rea- sons vye she beeliefs ass she does mit her soobjec; she vill tell you at vunce, and her answer iss alvays re^y; and ven she gif it, you can make no answer. She vill sayes mit mooch positive empheesis : Just be- cause ! How can you answer sooch a logeechianist, yes. I do not like soome off der languages vich Mr. Shakespeere use, nor do I like der coompanies vich he keep ; but I vill take off my cap mit his ef er-boob- ling-gefiiuses, vich he put mit all hiss plays and tings, vich he write, yes. 181 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Vile I beelief dot Meester Darvin iss mooch wrong, ven he say dot der man coome from der leetle smart-fool moonkey; yet I beelief strong mit der doc- trin, dot der vimmens coome from der bears. Moost off dem hafe al- ready, bear-arms and bear- ankles and bear-necks and tings, and it iss moost nat- ural too sooppose, dot der udder part off dem, vich ve doo not alvays see, iss bear- too, yes. Soome tweenty years ago, vun off my neighbors, vich I mooch luft, phoned ofer too know, if I vould be vtin off der corpse-bearers, mit der funeral off hiss mud- der-een-law. I sayes : Tanks, mit pleasures, I vill be oonly too glad too be vun. I hafe been voondering, all deese years, if der blame fool reely-meesunder- stood der meanings off der remarks, vich I sayes too him, yes. 182 HAMMIE SMOOGL.E Efery time, ven I look- goot mit der vimmens, I hafe sooch a sorrowful- sadness off der heart, dot // 1 yoost vant too go off mit a brier-patcli, and cry mooch mit my eyes. Deese high-cost off lifing iss vim awful, awful tings ! Yoost tink, how der beau- tiful, sweet lady-folks, hafe not and cannot get no mooneys at all mit vich too buy on a creedits, goot theek-varm stockings, and goot-varm sleeves, and soometings-at-all, too coof er der neck and tings ; but yoost all der time, vinter and soomer, hafe too go mitout sooch spleendid coomforts, yes. I hafe greater beleefs mit der doctrin off men and vimmen cooming from der hen and der rooster, den T hafe dot ve spring from der anceesters off a moonky. Vun reason iss, dot all off us moost scratch for a lifing; and annudder iss dot der hens and vimmens loud-cackle, and der men and roosters strong-crow; but der man iss moore off a reseemblance mit der rooster, den der rooster iss mit der man, yes. 183^ HAMMIE SMOOGLES Martineela sayes : Mudder, I doo not like der looks off my face, ass my nose iss too crooked and my lipps iss not on straight. Meeses Smoogles sayes : My soon, doont bodder me mit your face. It may not now be yoost mit der latest f asMon-style ; but it vont be long till all der present styles vill change and you may den be all right, so go-along, vunce. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I tink der poolece- mans iss a mooch valuable man mit der coommunity, and dot he iss der eembody- ments off protection. I sayes: Yes mudder, dot iss all mooch true, he iss vun man vich ve cood not doo mitout at all, and eef it vos not for him, nottings vould be safe no moore, no. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, doont you tink dot life iss plum-full-up mit eempty dreams, vunoe? I sayes : Veil mudder, der iss mooch moore poetry den trooth, mit vot you say. Life iss followed-up mit happeness vun day, and mit un-joys der next, yoost vun blame-ting before der udder vun, all der time, yes. 184 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Mit vun occasion avay down mit der Savannahs off Dixie-Georgia, I be- coome der geest off a street car for a veesit mit a yoong female-lady friend, and osked to be put off at East 31st Street. After hafing gone about three miles, I sayes too der con- dooctor: Iss ve not vay past our journeys last-eend vunce? He sayes: lord, man you aint never started yit. Being mooch provoked mit bad humors, I sayes : Stop-quick, der blame car, and let us pray, vunce. Ven I return mit der hotel, Mrs. Smoogles sayes: Hammie, vare mit der mischeefs hafe you been! I sayes, mit mooch re- leegious meekness off der voices : I hafe been pray- ing mit der street cars, yes. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I hear so- mooch talkings and tings mit der Anglo-Saxon-Race, how iss dot, please? I sayes: Veil, mudder, I vill tole you how dot iss. It iss all mooch true dot der Anglo-Saxon-Race iss vun great race, vare der iss mooch rooning ; but ven you coome too tink reel-hard mit it, der Keentucky Gildings, mit der autumn fairs, ise after all, der swifteest roonners off all der human- cattles vich hafe mooch legs, oxcept perhaps, it iss der snakes, yes. 185 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, vot make you look so-long mit Meesses Smith today "? Do you tink dot she iss beautifully-pretty, or vos you looking- eyes mit soome mischeefs? Vinking both-eyes mit each udder, I sayes, mit a releegious tone off der voices : I vos yoost looking-to-see, eef der vimmens iss really mit eeny kinsheeps off der moonkeys, ass Meester Darvins sayes, yes. Mit der exeegences off vun occasion, ven I vos cooming down from der hill-tops off der mountains, into der low-lands off der valleys, a geen- tleman met mit me and sayes : Is this Mr. Smoogles? I sayes : Yes, deese iss Hammie Smoogles, vot iss dot vich you vant mit me I He sayes: I am told that you are the biggest false-liar-teller in the whole country, and I jest wanted to get one good look at you, sir. I sayes: Tanks mit der complements, look mooch ass you like, yes. 186 HAMMIE SMOOGLES I beeliefs mooch mit der doctrins off der Heavens and der Hells, and dot der goot vill go mit der heavens vare all iss peace, and happiness ; and dot der bad vill go mit der hells, vare all iss Devels and fires and tings, yes. Der moost down-trodden off all der human-cattles iss der hooney-bee. He get up eerly and vork late all der time, mit no rest at all, not efen mit Soonday. Ven hiss mouth iss all sore-blees- tered from gathering der sweet-hooneys, and he hafe filled-full der gum; dot he may lay-up and eenjoy soome nice-eatings, during der cold vinter; der white-man coome along and rob-take all he hafe, mit no pay at all. Ven I tink-strong mit sooch high-vay- robberys, my eyes iss so full mit sorrowful-sadness, dot dey roon streams off cryings, and I vant too yoost joomp mit boiling-hot vaters, and coommit quick as- sassinations, mit myself, vunce. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I iss so glad- happy dot I yoost vant too joomp-up-and-down all der time, vunce. I sayes : Vot iss der matters, mud- der, dot make you dot vay ? She say : Oh, but I iss too-happy too tole you der causes, so go-along, vunce. 187 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, vye iss it dot der yoong men and student- boys ven several off dem iss to-gether, doo not seet-np and behafe deem- selfs like geentlemen, ven dey iss mit der train, der street cars and ndder pooblick places; but all der time play-pranks, sing, and cut-up-and-down so mooch? I sayes: Mudder, your ears vill be sad ven I tole you. Vun reason iss dot soome off dem hafe been brought-up mit a cabin-hoome near der back-voods, and hafe not nefer been used too mooch off a pleenty; annudder iss dot der leetle-cabin, vich raised dem, did not hafe any fire-side, vare boys iss soopposed too get eenstrooctionsmit der parents ;and, annudder iss so sad I can hardly tole you, and dot iss, dot dey iss like der beely-goat, ven he valk der ceety- lanes mit hiss tails steeking der wrong-vay, dey doont seem too learn mooch by seeing udders ; and den dey vant also too make a-show-off, vich dey tink iss smart, but vich iss mooch unseensible, and un-nice, vunce. 188 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Meeses Smoogles sayes: Hammie, ve iss for a long, long time been so-happy and so-poor. Doont you tink dot der hap- piest peeples iss der un-rich vuns ? I sayes: Well, mud- der, I vill tole you how dot iss. Der rich can hafe soome tings dot der poor doont hafe, and der poor soome vich der rich doont hafe. It iss all mooch true, dot der rich hafe beeg fine-auto- mobeels and tings, vich dey eenjoy; but soometimes der blame-ting get scared and roon avay and kill dem, before dey hafe time to make der last-payment ; and den again, vile dey iss een joying der oxpeensive rides, ve iss valking mit health-oxercises, vich dey hafe yet too take; and vile dey iss vaiting for der shoofer too get der pool-eengine ready too go, ve iss doon-gone and back-again, mit no oxpeense. Vile der rich can hafe no fires, mit der vinter ; and yoost hafe too smell-der-smoke from der basement, ve can seet-up and votch der beautifully-pretty blazes, mit our-own-eyes, and eenjoy der heat and tings. Van der rich hafe beeg fine-houses and tings, dey hafe efery month too pay bills, vich often dey worry be- fore dey pay ; and hafe also too-pay-taxes and tings. 189 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Ve hafe no creedits, because ve iss poor, but at der same time ve iss not annoyed by der beel-coUector, efery few days; nor mit der paying off taxes and tings. Annudder ting, der rich iss coompelled too buy mooch clothes for a show-off and tings ; and iss meeny times troobled because der clothes doo not make ass good a show-ofP, ass some off der udder- vuns. Der iss meeny tings I cood tole you, but I vill stop mit vun moore, and dot iss der eatings. Vile ve, all der time hafe der goot corn-bread-and-cab- bages, vich make us stroong and healthy ; dey cannot hafe dese coomforts, for eef der neighbors see dem eating sooch-tings, dey vould cut dem out off der so- cieety-list ; and dey hafe too eat tings vich gife dem awful-digestions and tings. Vun udder ting I yoost must mention, and dot iss der childens. Ve iss had twelf childens, eef dey vos now alife vunce; and you know mit vot great-happiness dey hass been mit cryings and noises mit us. Mit der rich, dey cannot afford too hafe but vun-or-two, ass dey cost too- mooch too raise, mit oxpenses; and also send dem off too der base-and- foot - ball - depart - meents, off der Har- vards and der Yales, 190 HAMMIE SMOOGLES vunce. Der poor iss got nottings, and nottings iss expected mit dem, so you see dot der geeneral-seet- uations, iss about der same after all, vunce. On yeesterday I vent up-and-down town too der barber- shop and sayes : ilafe you, Meester Pittman, vun goot shafe left mit me! He sayes: Have a seat, Mr. Smoogles, I have seen them all, and I assure you sir, that you can find none better. I sayes : Tanks mit pleasures. Ven I get goot mit der chair, he say : How will you have it, boiled, poached, scrambled or turned! Vinking and smoling vun eye mit der udder vun, I sayes: Vim side, please. Ven he get through mit me, I sayes : Vye mit der meeschiefs did you not shafe der udder side off my face, vunce? He sayes: You said one side. Being provoked mit bad humors, I vent out mit soome mumblings, and mit hotness off der collar, vunce. 191 HAMMIE SMOOGLE I sayes mit Meeses Smoogles : Mudder, off all der peeples mit der earth, noone off dem can be off soocb an importance mit der pooblics ass, der goot old far- mer-man, mit hiss ploAvs and tings. Yoost tink, vot a hard, hard, time ve vould hafe, eef all der farmer- men-and-vimmens vos dead, and ve cood hafe no good corn-bread-and-cabbages, vunce. Katreena sayes : Daddy, I hear so meeny peeples talking mit Adams-House-Cat, yoost how large and big vos der cat, please? I sayes: My daughter, Adam did not hafe a house-cat, and in fact he had no house at all, but yoost liff mit der Garden-oif- Edens, and vare fig-leaves and tings, yes. 192 HAMMIE SMOOGLES Martineela sayes : Daddy, I heard a geentleman on yesterday say, I am between the devil and the deep blue sea. Yoost how far-separated-apart iss der devils and der ocean-seas, please ! I sayes : My soon, I iss no whale nor akin too der feeshes, and hafe not nefer lifed mit der oceans; but eef dey iss ass near-close mit you, ass you iss mit der devils, you iss den mit mooch great danger off being swallowed-up, mit drownings quick, vunce. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, ven I call you at seex oclock, vye did you not vake-up and coame too der corn-bread-and-cabbages, vunce ! I sayes : Der reasons vos, dot I vos yoost rooning-ofer mit sleep and dreamings, and vos tinking-how, I vould luf too stay-alvays mit der same coonditions, yes. 193 HAMMIE SMOOGLES D e r rear-hind- sight off der fool, iss mooch better ass der front-fore-sight off der same fool. He V i 1 1 V e n yoong spend-away moore moneys den he make, mit smokings, gamblings, carousings, drinkings, and tings. Ven he get mit ole-age, he vill den haf e too dig-mooch mit der grub-hoe, among der roots, vurms and tings, mit sweatings, and groomblings ; vile hiss fameles and childens iss hun- gry mit rags and -'" tings, yes. Meeses Smoogles sayes : Hammie, I hafe read so- mooch mit der press-papers about Washington Ceety and her 400,000 peeples. Doont you tink it iss a big- shame dot dey iss all deaf and dumb, dot dey cannot oxercise der voice mit der councils off der nation and vote, vunce ? Veil, mudder, dey iss not deaf and dumb, dey yoost doont hafe der right too vote, dot iss all. It iss all mooch true dot dey should hafe a right too vote, because dey hafe too-pay-taxes and tings, 194 HAMMIB SMOOGLES yoost der very cause vye ve fought hard mit our father-eoontry, mit der Evolutionary Wars, vunce. Meeses Smoogles sayes: Hammie, vye mit der meescheefs, did you seet like a noom-skull, all der time ven Messes Jones and Meeses Smith vos here to- day ; and vye did you not talk soome mit us, vunce ? I sayes : Mudder, I thought you vos vise ass too my quietness, ass I hafe so meeny times oxplained der causes mit you. I hafe tried so meeny, meeny times too say soometings, ven der vos two or three udder vimmens present besides myseelf ; but efery time, ven I try hard, two off der mouths vill got ahead oif my say- ings ; so dot all I can doo, mit sooccees, iss too say nottings, ass der udder vimmens iss queeker, mit vorking der mouth-treegers den I iss, vunce. It iss very mooch unseensible for mudder too scold or vipp a child, den pick up der leetle spoiled rascal ; put it mit-her lapp ; throw her arms around it ; and try to sooth its rebeellious spirits. In doing sooch a 195 HAM M IE SMOOGLES ting she iss yoost paveeing-der-vay for moore scenes off dot character. Der heep-best vay iss too vipp and yoost let it squall, till its squaller gets mooch-sore, yes. Too Der Pooblicks Again Vunce: I am mooch sorrowful, mit great sadness oft' der heart, dot my yoongest lifing soon, Darian, hafe turned ofer der eenk-bottle and broke der pen ; and der grocery store vare 1 buy, hafe vent mit der arms-off-a-receiver ; dot 1 cannot now wrote moore books, so go-along and 1 vill soome day wrote mit you soome moore, after 1 find how you like deese, mit der telegram- vires ; but doont fail too forget too hafe der vire-man seend der blame-beel mit me, der first off efery-month, yes. 196 "PORTINIA" Dear Eeader: — If you like sublime poetry, impregnated with love *s pure soul, if you want to read an epic of divine passion, teeming with emotional climaxes, and throb- bing with heart-nourishing pathos, clothed in ro- mantic and beautiful English, get a copy of Portinia and other poems. This poem is 142 pages long, and is undoubtedly the greatest love epic in verse yet written. The other poems, some 75 in number; many of which are acclaimed by high authority, to be gems in future anthology. To a Nightingale, The Skylark, The Mocking-bird, Christmas Eve, The Temple of Nature, The Garden of Gethsemane, To the Nine Muses, The Creation, Providence in Na- ture and many others are among the most classic. For copy of these poems write to James Calvin Hooper, the author. Dallas, Texas.— Price Cloth $1.25 197 I ■ a HAMMIE SMOOGLES" I have had all the sayings of Hammie Smoogles published in the form of a small paper-back book, containing about one hundred pages, price 25c. This paper-cover book has eighty interesting and amusing illustrations, and the cover design, being printed in four colors, makes a most beautiful and attractive cover. Sold in book stores, news stands and on railway trains. It makes a very attractive gift, and is calculated to produce smile-tears at any time, and is one of the most pleasing and laugh-pro- ducing books ever published, the cover and illustra- tions alone being worth double the price of the book. Call on your book store for a copy, or send us 25c, and obtain this book at once. Captivating — Refreshing — Amusing — Instructive. Address the author, JACOB THOMPSON JOHNSON, Atlanta, Ga., U. S. A. 198